The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #166 - Felipe Esparza, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 7, 2014

Comedian Felipe Esparza joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 04/07/2014.

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It's that time, you bad motherfuckers. Monday, April 7th. The day the devil was buried at sea. Oh shit, a little biggie. Get this motherfucker off. Huh. It was all a dream. I used to read Word Up magazine.

What? Get up, wash your monkey. If it's lunchtime and you still haven't gotten up, you got fucking problems, got a fucking. You don't need me. You need a fucking bullet to your head. It's a beautiful day to be alive. 90 degrees in L.A., motherfuckers.

With a hat to match. What? What's up, Lee Syatt, you bad motherfucker you? How much I feel great. Thank you for letting me come this weekend, man. That was a lot of fun. I didn't let you come. You came.

I don't give a fuck what you do. You got in the car and drove. You want to drive. Me, I don't want you driving. I love it. I like when you fly you make me feel fucking relaxed. You know what, man? If there was a way, like, I feel like I missed a calling as a truck driver.

Like, I honestly. Would you stop with that shit? Honestly, I fucking, there's nothing that makes me happier than driving when there's no traffic, like especially through the southwest. I love Arizona and New Mexico. The mountain, like, I was thinking about it. Other than the roads, when you go out deep into California on Arizona, it's the same as when people were coming in, like,

fucking covered carts. You just put on a podcast, you listen to some music. It's, it's like, it's honestly that where I'm happiest. It's like... First of all, you can't be a truck driver. I know, I know I can't. Because you fucking, don't drink coffee. You don't do speed. You don't want to do edibles. You don't want to do shit. How are you going to be a fucking truck driver?

I can't. I'm not going to you have a truck driver. Not hemorrhoids? Not yet. Well, how are you going to fucking be a truck driver if you don't have hemorrhoys? You understand me? I feel like that's what you get as you go along. You upgrade when you get a better position.

And I like that you do that. 25 year where you know that you miss your calling as fucking professionals. No, I... You keep fucking around. You're going to be taking that truck driver's institute. You understand? You're going to be a five beta cap over that. A slip.

No, but it's... I had a great time. Thank you to everyone who came out and said, hi. There are people who came to multiple shows. which fucking blew my mind and it was just, I had the best weekend. When someone comes to a show on Thursday and they come back on Saturday. Yeah, it was a good.

First show Thursday, last show Saturday. On the Saturday show, I never understood that I get fucking embarrassed but I do the same thing too. I do that when I like somebody. I'm happy I brought you. People got to see it. You sold some flying you T-shirts. You're looking good.

You got fucked up. You went to the casino. You lost $40 playing war. Who loses $40 fucking dollars playing war? Let me tell you something. In my day, somebody beat you a plane war. You beat them up at the end. saying you just beat them up.

I can't beat the fucking casino dealer up and tell them, fuck you, how are you going to beat me at war? I would never have played, but I just was there and you had mentioned

that you had seen war and I never, I knew what it was, but I never really played it as a kid and it's $5 a card and it's just whoever has the higher card wins. And the thing that,

like you win a couple, but it's just, it's fast. It's like probably two three hands a minute. It's quick, yeah, it's quick. Bam, man, man, man, man. So you're going to lose.

You go through a deck of cards in war in fucking five minutes. Yeah. You know, That's the goal. It's to go fast. So you confuse the other guy. You're just taking all the guy's like,

ah, my car was high. You're just stealing fucking cards. Yeah. So, I mean, it was a lot of fun. Arizona was great. Everyone in Tampa was great. That's another thing. Like, I wish I went to a college like that,

with a big campus and everything around. It was a... It's fucked up how stupid we really are at 18. When we pick colleges and careers and then you're unhappy. That's why... Somebody wrote me something the other day and said his dad wants him to be an engineer.

He didn't really want to go to school for engineering. Then don't go to fucking school for engineering, but you got to go to school. Yeah. You just have to go to school. I wish I would have known about Texas. I would have gone to the University of Texas and Austin if I would have known about fucking college. Really? I've never been there. I would have gone to somewhere in fucking Texas, you know, University of Houston, something like that, too.

You know, we all make mistakes. I wanted to join the service. But a fucking truck driver lead, really? Yeah. How about like a UPS driver? Maybe. What my dream is, I don't want to deliver anything. if I could get someone to pay me to drive around,

I just love being in my car driving around the country. I think it's really fun. You fart when you're in the car? Oh, yeah. You snow, you're on fucking nasty fart, or you open the window? It depends if it's too bad. Sometimes you have to take it out there.

You should have snout my farts on the Southwest. Yes, I blasted three early morning. Well, you had sushi a couple days in a row. I had a... I don't think I ate Saturday night. Oh, we had that arachow dip. Yeah. That's what I had.

That's not good. I farted up a fucking storm on that plane. That first thought I was embarrassed, but what are you going to do? It's Southwest Airlines. I'm in the back. I'm landing in Burbank. You know what I'm saying? Like a fucking doctor.

Like a fucking doctor. But no, I had a great time in Tempe. I want to thank everybody who came out. The shows were great. The club is great. This week I'm going to Dr. Grins in fucking Michigan. I haven't been in Michigan in years. That's the fucking capital, dirty white woman with dirt on their heels.

I love it. They fucking walk from, from, from Isbamian to Detroit. I'm going to have a fucking great time. I wish you would come. It's like 19 flights to Graham. Oh yeah and that's what I was saying like I would love to go but it's so expensive it's expensive and it was fun like I sold a couple of your shirts

because you were just high and taking pictures but it's just it doesn't really make financial sense for you to have like I can't like I can't imagine how much of flights or no but this flight you know people don't realize what the what's happened after 9-11 also and all these planes are charging all this dough in-house is my brother Felipe Spars And he travels, you know, a lot of these fucking, you know, Ari couldn't get a plane ticket.

Ari could not fly in direct to Santa Fe, New Mexico, from New York City. Now, to me, that's mind-boggling. I could see if you can't fly from a small market to a small market. But when you can't fly from a big market to a small market direct, I can fly into Detroit, Delta, but there's nothing into Grand Rapids. You have to park, you have to rent a car and drive fucking three hours. You know, they've cut these routes. American Airlines only offers one flight into Newark Airport a day from LAX.

One, one direct. Everything else is connecting and everything else goes into fucking JFK. You know, you're like Joey, I'm listening to a podcast. What are your fucking travel agent? No, I'm helping you out, cocksucker. I'm helping you to fuck up, cocksucker. Because when you're looking for a flight, man, sometimes, even me, I love looking for flights. As soon as somebody calls me and says, hey, they want you to come here, they're going to make an offer. I go online and see if I got direct flights where I got to go to fucking you two. I got to go to fucking Utah.

Take Salt Lake City, for example. We could walk to fucking Salt Lake City. We could skateboard downhill to Salt Lake City. There's no direct flight from Burbank to Salt Lake City. Really? I got to go all the way up to San Francisco or fucking Seattle and go to Salt Lake City. Now, if I go to LAX, I go to Salt Lake City.

I understand that. That I kind of understand. But the fucking San Francisco, who gets on that fucking flight? Who gets on that fucking flight? No, it's a crazy part of, something that I don't think people understand is the trout, like I drove, but even that it took it took it out of me.

Like when I got home yesterday, I was passed out. I predicted three months ago on the podcast that we have pre-TSA, we have the first class line, and we have a regular Puerto Rican line. In a year, they're going to add another line because the pre-TSA is getting busy and not everybody has money for

a first-class ticket, but now it's definitely two hours. Yesterday, I flew in to Tempe with some kid from Jersey Boys. We were talking on the flight and I go one of you coming back and go Sunday at 835 ago that's my flight I'll see you Sunday when I got to the fucking airport yesterday Southwest was

packed it wasn't that I fly all the time on Southwest and with motherfucking A listers you know what I'm saying give me a pound there because once you're A list on Southwest that's when you know you fucking arrived Well don't some people have that like I know JetBlue has it you can get through security faster To security faster Southwest you sit with everybody else There's no first class there's no general

There's no Expedia ticket in the back You sit with everybody else but they do have different levels of boarding. You can pay $12.50 to board quick, which is fucking tremendous on Southwest, because you don't want a middle seat on South fucking West. Hell no. Southwest is a great airline for two hours and less.

After two hours, Southwest's a long fucking flight. You know, now they got like free Wi-Fi, but it's peanuts. It's peanuts the whole fucking way. I think now they have sandwiches or something. You don't want to eat these fucking sandwiches. Do you eat on planes? Huh?

I guess it's the first class you might. I eat on all, you know, I'll get, I bring stuff, but I also, you know, If they got something, I'll eat something, you know? I bring everything, man. Do you bring everything? I bring a grocery bag full of food. Really?

I mean, they're cracking peanuts. Well, you're vegan. So it must be harder. How hard is it for you to find stuff? I mean, not... On the plane did nothing on a plane, but on the pretzels. Even the pretzels probably have butter right now. And what about, what about...

I mean, I'm sure in bigger cities, it's easier. But, like, I don't know. I don't know what a smaller city is, but you've been the thousands of them as a comedian. How hard would it would be for you to find, like, a vegan meal? Crack a barrel is probably the worst. Really? The worst. I had for fruit, and the guy brought the fruit.

He goes, I cut it myself for you, you know, because I want to get you something. And the fruit tastes like onions. Because he cut it with an onion knife. So I don't want to complain, you know, and say, hey, man, you know, the fruit tastes like onion. I don't want to say, listen, fag. Listen, bro. Crack a barrel is the capital of fat people. Fuck, yeah.

That's where fat fucking people go. They have wheelchairs outside Where was it? It was in Texas? Yeah, yeah, in El Paso. Yeah, in El Paso. They have the cracker barrel. Bro, you go in there, nobody's under three bills.

Yeah. Even the kids are over three points. Nobody's only that 300 fucking pounds. They got rocking chairs right outside. You go fall asleep. What's the other place? There's a place in Burbank, too, where they give you like crab legs now, not Sizzler, but the other ones. Tony Ruma?

No. Oh. We went there one night. Golden Corral? One of those places? What are you? they call the golden fucking corral that's a bunch of fat fucking pigs there pigs in there they got the all you can eat ice cream the chocolate fountain they

are fucking you now you go in there you see fat sizes that you never say and the man i just went there one time the lady's ass is like a fucking table oh yeah like you can put a fucking glass on it's amazing it's amazing it's amazing it's amazing i've always love gross food but like golden corral i love shakies all the sizzler i've never been at any of those like i don't I draw a line a little bit. This is how poor I was with Terry Clark. That was like our first fucking date. Cizor?

When I booked Arlis, that was my first date. Like, that was what we ate to celebrate. We went there like three times. Sizzler and La Brea or on Highland. In between Sunset and like Melrose is a, there's a sizzler. We went there like twice to celebrate. And the third time we looked at each other. We go, this ain't no celebration.

This is fucking debt. This is fucking debt. I know you were there. I was celebrating with kids. They just graduated from high school. school with their parents. It's fucking crazy, man. Those restaurants, you go into a...

I can't eat... I haven't been able to eat one of those places in 30 fucking years. I really have not been able to eat at those places in dirty fucking years. Like a buffet. I could do a Chinese buffet. Chinese buffets. They don't have them here. Opasso's got a buffet that's not bad.

Opasso used to have a buffet that had spicy shrimp. Oh. And you eat those fucking things till you bleed from the earloat, you know. And who else, like... Who else had a good fucking buffet for a while that we used to go? Vegas, they say has good buffets. I don't know. Pizza Hut used to have a good buffet right there on Santa Monica.

They didn't use to have. Some of them had, when I grew up, there was a Taco Bell that had like a salad bar. Dude. When I grew up there, I'm going to the one-on-one north, right there about when you hit the 46, yeah. There's a KFC all you can eat buffet there. And here now lay. And I'll live in two of them.

Wichita, Kansas, Colorado, and over there at Los Banjo somewhere. Oh, my God. Sun Whistle Bispo has a KFC all you can eat. With biscuits. Their bathroom must break every fucking day. That's disgusting. Who goes to the bathroom in a fucking KFC anyway? Who the fuck would do something that fucking disgusting?

You have to. I go to this coffee shop. I go to this coffee shop at least in Studio City. Tons of white people. You know white people who are proud to be white people? They walk around with hats and cho-chip chali-ho. They've been to Europe and shit. They got French music on,

but people go to that coffee shop and take shits. I've never smelled even in a fucking zoo. I don't know who these people are. They got French, why would you put French music on if you're gonna come here and take a shit? You know what I'm saying? Why is there French music on this bathroom smells like a fucking animal all the time? And I understand it's a coffee shot, but I've never shit there. I piss like a motherfucker.

I would never shit like that in public. Really? Especially if my ass smelled like that. I wouldn't let, I wouldn't want nobody to fuck to smell that. I've been banned from 10 Starbucks for taking shits. Really? Really? I mean, if I have to go the cleanest place for me to take a good shit, it's a lot of

be the public library, the kids' books section, or Starbucks. But the public library, man, when you want to use a restroom, you're going to go to the kids section. In downtown LA? Yeah, because that's where the cleaner restaurants are. But every other restroom, they got white people, black people, Latino people taking showers, using like a Greyhound bus station. Like Puerto Rican showers.

I try not to just because I hate thin toilet paper. Like, so that's, I try not to do it unless I'm home or even at the whole, But in those public places, they make the toilet paper hard for you to pull. Yes. Rip one sheet of a time. If not your finger comes up

with a fucking yoo in your hand. You gotta like keep pulling it and pull it. Like the rec center. Over here in North Hollywood, I walk around in a circle sometimes. So I go to pee and I go to blow my nose. I got to sit there.

Finally, I just wipe my fucking hands. I blow my nose on my hand and wipe it on my shorts. Because by the time I do this, my cardio will be down. I don't have time to fucking sit there one shit at a time. They fuck with you.

They're fucking cheap with the toilet. Or something. Or something like toilet paper is too tight. You can't really roll it so you gotta put it in there and then pull it out and you're there all day, man. Just scrapping papers over and over. No, it's the sky. I don't like that I like a bathroom that just full.

You know who's got the best bathrooms in the country? Who? Miami. Really? You have to shit like this, like you got something wrong with your legs. Like you're in a wheelchair? No, in Miami you can spread your fucking legs out and take your balls out of the bowl and just sit there for 20 fucking minutes because people want to do blow.

They want, you know, they want to get down. Yeah, big bathrooms. You know, you can't get, you snort coke in a little batten and get anxiety. Who needs that shit? You want a big bath. I'm saying. Big bathroom. What do you guys think about badees?

I've never been to one. I had one. We went and shot the documentary. That place in North Berger, New Jersey, had a bidet. And I was like, what? That is nice. To New Jersey from New York City. We had a bidet in Northburg and my mother's house.

It was in her personal bathroom. And you used it? I would shit and turn the bidet and look at it like a fountain. I thought like I was international. I would sit there and shit and make the fountain go up. But the first couple times you go in there, you don't know what you're doing. You just sit on it and open it, and it just shoots up. It's tremendous.

Let me tell you some, but day is tremendous. Oh, yeah. It's tremendous. That shit keeps you fresh, everything. I had one until I was 15. Tremendous. I always feel like a weirdo because I always buy baby wipes. So that's the purpose for us is it?

The water hits your ass and cleans it for you? Yeah. Right from the toilet. Now in Japan, they have a toilet that washes your ass. So everybody, like, if you have one in your house, everybody has their own little napkin to tap? No, no, no, no, no. You just don't need to use toilet paper after. No, no, no, no. If I got a bidet, that's for me only.

Ain't nobody else washing ass in my birthday. That's disgusting. My mom wouldn't let me wash my ass in her beday. I would sneak in there when she wasn't home. Then she would catch me because the water would be on the ceiling. Sometimes you hit the thing real fast and it shoots up, like that fountain in Las Vegas. So it's real high.

So if you sit on this motherfucking turn it on and high power your ass, it's fucking tremendous. You don't like baby wipes? Instead of toilet paper? It's great. I like everything. I want, listen, I like anything that wipes my ass because God knows. God knows my ass is never clean. After I take a shower, I'll scratch my ass 10 minutes later and still got wang to it.

So, you know, that's just an ass. That's why I'm 50. What do you want to do? And that's why I'm not into it. No, but you got to lick a girl's butt hole. You got to do it, man. This one time. You got to stop telling you.

Spin it first. Just spin it first and wipe it with your hand and then go into it, bro, and just try to... Let me explain something to you. You're not going to pull over. Yeah. Let me get something to you. I'm not going to pick up a chicken 7-Eleven, bring it to your house, and bend her over and have you eat her ass.

That's just not Christian-like. That's not even Jewish-like. You have to take a shower first, so it's a hint for them to take a shower. So you start swamp and spit with them. Then you throw them in the shower and in the shower, you feel their titties, but at the same time you're soap and that asshole. You follow me? So when you get out, you got no problems.

There's no problems later on. We're going to invite somebody over and eat that ass just off like an appetizer. I don't know. That's what it seemed like. No, you got to make them take a shower and relax, put a robe on. That's why I always tell you, you got a robe. You know, because you can hang out with your robe, your legs are open, you've got an air in your ass.

Then when it's time, you bend her over and she farts and you lick, whatever. And nobody wants to, listen, nobody wants to lick an ass or a pussy that smells like fucking soap anyway. It's got to have a little patois to it. You understand? I don't know if that's accurate. No, it's true. True, no.

When was the last time you ate pussy, it tasted like soap off the bat? Well, no, pussy's different. It's just asshole. You can't do it right away, man, because I've had toilet paper on my tongue. Yeah. But it's all right, man. You gotta close your eyes and do like the thing they do on Dora and explore them. Vlamanos.

Just close your eyes and let that muffling say, Vaminos like that, like Dora and that's it. You're there, that's it. You did it. We did it. You never really got to smell it either because you put your nose like right above the ass and you go like that. And then you can't hear it with a smell. No, no, it's like eating the cheeseburger and not smelling. It's like eating french fries and not smelling.

You gotta eat that before you even go in there, you gotta give it one of those. You can't make the noise because then she'll feel insecure. You have to do it without like, you. You have to practice underwater for a couple weeks. Girls like that, man. Like a girl who's been with a lot of people, you know. You know, especially like a waitress at a comedy club. Like, she's been with all the comics.

How are you going to shine? You got to eat their ass. But you fuck. Well, she's opening up the comedy condo door with her own key. You put her pants down. You start eating her ass right outside the door. And she knows you're a soldier. You're a soldier.

I've been telling you that for years. You don't know. Let me ask you something. What I got to do, Ari. This has been the toughest fucking thing I ever had it right, guys. I'm doing Ari's storyteller show tomorrow night. Okay. And he was talking to me about role models.

And I was like, yeah, I got a role model. Julius Irving and fucking Bruce Lee. I started thinking about it. I'm like, I was a fan of Bruce Lee. Bruce Lee taught me a lot of things when I read the Tower of G. Coom Doe and other things that he had written in some of his movies. And Dr. Jay was something else for me. You know, I was a big basketball fan.

you know but uh who are you fucking role models Felipe if you really fucking think about it no jokes society who did when you grew up who did you look at I mean you know they want you look at vivus a pact or something well I mean I don't want to tell you who your role models are but I mean if you were going to ask me if I had to guess I would say like it's like a mixture it's kind of what we did the documentary on it's kind of like a mixture between barone and and uh I can't believe I'm blanking on anything name, Carmine, Carmine, Mr. Balzano, and then all your friends and just like a mixture of that. That's who I guess is for you.

What do you think, Felipe? How about you, who's your road mob? I don't know if I was a road model, but the moment I saw in 1981, Fernando Vález showed up, I had hope. You know, I said, I've never seen anybody that dark, that, you know, Mexican that dark, you know, throwing a baseball being on TV. be like, you look at how big Fernando Venezuela was to me, being like he's a Mexican, you know, he's from my hometown, you know, he's from my little village, and he's a dark-skinned Mexican. You didn't see another dark-skinned Mexican since George Lopez showed up. I mean. Okay.

So that made me proud when I saw George Lopez because you don't see too many dark-skinned Mexicans on TV. You always see, like, the white ones, the ones that were born in Bolivia. But when I saw Fernando Valenzuela, I say, yeah, man. Okay. But I don't know what a role model was, because they always tell you about who's, like, to look up to your teacher, look up to your fireman. You know what? Fuck that, man. I know, I look to the people who are making it, dog.

Yeah. You know, like my teacher, shit, my teacher wear a fucking shitty-ass suit. You know, I didn't realize later on that teachers are just like comedians. They're waiting for work, you know. They're desperate. Like a substitute teacher. I used to look up to a substitute teacher, Mr. Delgado. only because at the end of the class, he will say,

listen, wherever you go, if you ever see me again, just say, hey, Mr. Delgado, how the hell are you? And that will make my day. Yeah. I mean, it's, I'm trying to think about it. I mean, that's kind of what I was saying with Amelia Rivera. Being a white kid from the suburbs, like, I don't really have any, anything like that. I don't really know who my role model was.

Maybe I'm too young to have realized it. I mean, nobody who you liked that you were growing up. What did you want to be when you were fucking Tenly? Notorious BAG. Probably working in TV and stuff. I mean, I can't even remember. I mean, for you, I can't, it's not like what I was going to say,

well, maybe because I saw I had the VHS for Bill Cosby himself. I love that, but I'm not a comic. So it's not. Who inspired you growing up? Did you have when you listen to a certain music, when you read somebody's book, when you read somebody's autobiography, Who like fucking like with me. It was like who's the guy that ran for president that had the big ears Lisa in 91? He was a red

I loved his story. That's the first story I read when I went to prison I thought it was amazing what this man had done. He gave me hope as a white dude. He gave me hope because this guy had nothing. He took a chance and became a fucking millionaire and then he had balls and he was the weirdest looking nerdiest looking dude and when he ran against Clinton. I'm running for president. I'm running for president. I'm running for president. I'm running for president. And you brought in that crazy, dude to run with him, remember? Dog, it was crazy. And then he would say at the end all his stuff, he'd go,

they're paying for this with your money. I'm paying for this with my money because he was fucking loaded. He was fucking loaded. And I read this book on him in prison. He had a company and they kidnapped the three of his employees in Iran.

And he hired, he went to Kissinger, and he went to all these heavy dune. They made a movie about it on Wings of Eagles. And it's played by Richard, I forget what his name is, the big fucking white dude. It even makes it even better, you know. And he went to this guy and he said, listen, I made my promise to the employees in Iran or Iraq that I would get him home for Christmas fucking dinner.

And he goes, we got to do it. And the guy said, I'll do it. He wouldn't hire, nobody would let him hire mercenaries or something. So this guy just took and trained his employees. So he took these nerds and trained them to go over there and get three other. fucking nerds out of a jail and Ross Perot did it. He financed the whole thing and he got this this colonel to lead the way and get him out and I just I just liked I mean he gave me hope when I was in prison you know yeah and he hoping I was locked up that because he was nobody this guy I forget

where he came from what exactly he did but there's people that inspired me nobody al-McGuire inspired me the coach from Jim Valvano inspired me you know with the fucking team he put together there were nobodies and he ended up winning a national championship If nothing ever gave you goosebumps, Lee? I'm feeling kind of weird not knowing. I mean, the only thing I can think of is the guy who I learned from out here, the guy who really taught me editing, really. He's not the perfect person.

He was great to me. And everyone has their fault. But I kind of tried to mold myself after him. What kind of faults are you have? He has fault. He doesn't really speak with his kids as much anymore because of stuff with an ex-wife. and he's he

I don't know he's not I mean no one's perfect so I mean I shouldn't put that on him but I'm trying to think as a kid

I used to love biography like I used to watch that every night that was on but I can't remember one person or something I'm trying to think

I don't know why maybe I'm too young to have to really realize it's a fucked up question yeah the really more I brought this up is because I want you don't know

it was such a tough thing when Ari said to me I want you to do this. I went home and I said, sure. And then I started thinking about it. I started thinking, all right, number one, what did I want to be? You know, you started thinking about that.

That's how you broke it down. That's how I broke it down. What did I want to be? And I remember being a little kid at my mom's bar and I could tell who the punk-ass bitches were and who the men were. You know, I remember I used to tell my mom that guy's a punk-ass bitch

and my mom goes, how do you know? Look at him, you know, look at his shoes. He was doing this. And my mom would go, you're fucking pretty good at this shit, you know. But I always knew of the fight, and I always wanted to grow up to be a man. That was my utmost thing, you know. And when I was a kid, when I was about 12, I hung up with this kid, Jimmy.

I don't know why. I hung up with this guy. And on the way out, his father would always talk to him. And I talked to his father. His father was a short little fucking dude, Lutheranian. He said, a short little fucking Lutheran dude. And I would talk to him and talk to him. And I would go over there and swim in a pool with him because I had a top of the ground pool.

And everybody else had a top of the ground pool in those days. He was the first kid, then the Balzano's got a, uh, underneath pool. So there was two kids under my block that had a built-in pool. And I would go over there and swim, and he would always say to me, I would always stay late and pick up the towels, and I'd sweep up, and I'd take the bugs out of water. And he goes, you're the only one that does that. He goes, hey, John, the rest of your fucking friends, they come,

they have a good time, they eat, and they leave. And the fucking Spanish kid always stays and done this shit. And I told him once I go, because I had a pool, and I know what it feels like. So he would go, what he doing tonight? You want to go to the track with me? And I would feel weird that he had three sons, but he would ask me he to go to the fucking track with him, you know.

And it just went on, went on. And we began, I would talk to him about he fucking hated drugs. You know, when we got out to track, if he won, he gave me money, he never drank in front of me, he never smoked in front of me. He never fucking cursed in front of him. He was a man's man. Like, he was a little short, tough dude. And he had these sandwich shops and the whole boat.

And he always would tell me like a lesson. Like everything we did, he would go, look at this over here, this fucking. And I loved him more even than my stepfather. My stepfather was another guy who I had the same problem with. But I'll tell you one thing at the end of the day of my stepfather, he was a man. Everything he did from his shoes to his fucking hair, he was a fucking man. And you knew it by his appearance, how he spoke to people, he was a gentleman. And, you know, Jimmy Bender, fucking at my mother's wake came up to me.

And he goes, listen, man, if you don't move in with me, I would be heartbroken. I had all these places I could have lived with and this guy came up to me and opened up his home to me And even though he had two of the boys were living there at the time he goes I'm gonna get your own bedroom and shit And guys you know when you're 15 your mother dies you have no father you have no family you're weak You're uh you know I was a mentally strong kid but at that time I'm fucking weak you know plebe this guy could have done a thousand things to me He could have sold me to the fucking black market you know and I remember him taking him taking him taking him making me to do my Social Security paperwork, and they didn't want to give me money,

and then we went and tried to get my mother's insurance. Every day after school, he picked me up and go out of his way to get me handled. And then he said, listen, you're not going to get money, but fuck, I'll take care you. I mean, this guy wasn't my fucking dad, but every day when I leave, he goes, you need any money today for lunch, and he gave me 40 fucking bucks.

Who gives you $40 a day? $19.70, fucking 90, 1980. Jesus. And I did what I did. I ended up becoming a thief and the fucking drug addict, and he got disappointed, and he threw me out. He didn't throw me out.

He was crying. I had to get out because I had shame to his son. His one son and me, he was a cop, and we were tight, and I was fucking around with drugs and burying drug dealers and robbing shit. So they investigated him, and it was just weird that I stayed friends with him until 1982. I didn't live there from 81. And then in 82, his father died. Jimmy Bender, the guy that took me in his father died,

and I was supposed to go to the wake. And I got cooked up and I didn't go. I didn't show up to the wake or the funeral. So I just didn't ever talk. to him because I was ashamed. And, you know, I got involved with drugs and shit, so I put it in the backburn, like you do everything else in your life. That's why you do drugs to put them in the back and forget about things.

And then over the years I thought about him, I thought about calling them. And then one day when I went to call him, I made some calls, and I found out he had died of cancer, and that thought would kill me. But that was about the time I was moving here. And I remember making like a mental note to myself that now I have to do something with my life because I wanted to prove him wrong. You know, over the years, all here was bad thing.

I went to prison, I did this, I did that. So I just wanted the chance. I never really thought about it until last week one night when I got really fucking high and I was sitting on the couch and I was thinking about what Bruce Lee story to tell. And also I got overwhelmed with this story and I got so overwhelmed. I had to lay down and cry and I got anxiety.

And the next one I got up and I called Bobby Bend and I told him the one son. I go, listen, I'm going to do this thing for Comedy Central. And I'm going to talk about your dad because I got to put this to peace. This is a big piece of me. You know, we never discussed it. We did come on, remember we were in front of my mother's house.

We were doing a documentary, and that neighbor came up. And he goes, this district has worked by the benders, John. And he goes, you want me to get down? I go, no, I grew up with fucking John. Yeah. But it's just so weird that at the end of the day, before I want to be a comedian, everything, I want to grow up to be a man. And I want to be a man like him.

Like, he was very fucking well-liked. You know, the only vice I ever saw him do was play cards and eat. He would, like, I would send him pizzas, bro. you understand like I would be hungry for a pizza and I didn't want to pay for it so I would call the pizzaman and say send Jimmy Bender pizza with pepperoni and I go on the living room and watch TV with him

and also there would be a knock at the door and he'd answer what's up I got a pizza for her I didn't all know pizza hold on Anna you order pizza and she goes no and he goes how much for the fucking pizza $12 give me the fucking pizza and he'd buy it any year that's how cool you are you know

no and it's a I don't and I'm just I'm trying to think of why I can't think of it and it's uh I had different people I got a friend's dad who was really well often my uh my mom was brother because I didn't really have grandparents they're all dead by the time I was 13 and his our brother and his wife were really cool to me kind of like grandparents sort of um but yeah I it's uh I'm kind of I don't know if I'm jealous now or I'll think about it later but it's uh and you want me to tell you something I think we have multiple role model yeah I think like my sixth grade teacher like I couldn't even maybe like

growing up two teachers that affected my life and one of them was this teacher I had for sixth grade he was a young teacher he was Portuguese you know I never know I never knew what Portuguese was I thought he was Mexican

like a white Mexican you know with green eyes but he's not Portuguese and every day he'll start off by saying a joke like just to get our attention they were like horrible jokes no one I got you know like like

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal LaMoterie. Like I didn't know what frontal about it was. But I guess that was his way of teaching us a new word every day. Yeah. So I still know I know now what a frontal lobotomy is when I saw one through the cuckus nest. Oh, yeah. But that would have been so easy for him to tell me, watch one through the cuckus nest and you understand what I'm saying. So he was a good looking dude. I know that because every Christmas we had a birthday party and all the girls, all the guys were giving presents because we were going like on a Christmas vacation. Uh-huh. And I still. I would always stay with him until the end of the class, just talking, you know, like, hey, Mr. Cordero, so we live at food, you know, all this stuff, asking him questions. And he would give me everything that they gave him, like cologne. He goes, do I smell, Felipe? He goes, why?

Because they give me a lot of cologne. He had like karate, you know, he had brute, you know, old spice. Yeah. And I said, nah, I don't do you stink. I just, they don't know what else to give you, I guess. So you want it? I said, yeah. So I got out together and those, every year those presents that they gave him, I would give that to my brother.

He's like, oh, look, you got old spice. And he gave him the Christmas tree. And he would look up, he was the only one that reached out and made me feel special. Like, all right. He didn't say you're smart. He didn't say you're the best. But he reached out to me and said, you're fucking funny. Yeah.

I like you. You know, he didn't say you're my favorite student. but it made me like, I don't know, it just made me feel good. Like, I felt accepted. Like, fuck my dad, you know, he didn't, he didn't make me feel like, like, my dad, he just wanted me to, like, wake up every morning and look for a job or something. Like, my dad thing was this, like, he would come home from work and his hands were all, like, black from welding all day, you know, burn, hot.

My dad would eat with his hands dirty because they were too hot to get to wet them. He didn't want to wet him because arthritis or something. But I guess he was well in our days with hands. His hands were still hot. Oh, my God. So he would like be black, you know. And he would look at me. He goes, I don't give a fuck.

What the fuck you do in your life, you know? But at least get a job where at the end of the day, you don't have to wash your hands. You don't have to wash your hands to go eat because he couldn't wash his hands. So, you know, I told my dad one day, you know. I don't know. You didn't tell me much, you know. but I remember he said, find a job that you don't have to wash your hands after.

And I said, and I listen, I don't watch my hands after I do stand-up comedy. These hands, finger-banked people, dirty. So that was the only thing that I remember my dad telling me, when my dad was a role model. You don't look at your dad as a role model, you know? Like, I can't ever look at my dad. Like, I don't understand how kids, people like Peyton Manning, superstars, you know, like,

could look, always be proud of their dad, like, if my dad was there, you know, when I was a little league, my dad was there when I graduated, oh, I wish my dad was here for, like, get my fucking Hall of Fame trophy. Fuck you, son of a bitch. You know, I never had that fucking dad. My dad fucking worked on fucking day.

Every time he had time for us, it was time to fuck us up, okay? And that fucking hurt him. Like, think about it. You fucking work all day, but now you've got to beat your kids now too. Yeah. So I never really look at my dad as a role motto

or my fucking mom, you know? Let me ask you something. What do between a stand-up comic and a teacher? What is the difference at the end of the day? A good teacher is somebody who gets through to you and the way to get through to you is by relating on a comical level. Yeah.

You think of the teachers who taught and had no sense of humor. You don't fucking remember those people. You could sit there for hours. I'll give you a dollar if you remember them. But the people who told you a joke, for the class. Those are the people that got for you. Me and Felipe are from the same cut.

Because if we wouldn't have been we wouldn't have been standups, our second choice would be working with kids. I could care of it. I could care of it by the adults, they could all fucking shoot themselves. I see a kid, I can break a fucking kid down. I could take a fucking half a fucked up kid and make them a fucking

soldier. You know, the biggest pain in my heart is I didn't get a chance to raise my original daughter. And I kind of gave up at the end because of my career, because what I was doing here, what I do is tough on But a girl, I'll take a fucking girl. Like, I want to get a girl right now just to prove my fucking point. I see women now walking around half fucking retarded.

And it's the same thing. When you see a kid at 14, and it's tough. It's tough. Guys like me and him could take a kid and break him fucking down and build them right back up again because it was done to me. It was done to me. From the age of 5 to 15, I was a kid that was completely different. All of a sudden I had to step up to the pump.

There was no mommy no more. Yeah. And, you know, it's so weird how the respect I had for teachers because they took me in my mind away of what was going on in my life because there's no respect for teachers. Today I saw something about, at LA, about a teacher wrestling with a kid.

Did you see that? Yeah, you see that? And, you know, the kid, well, parents don't understand, and if you're a parent and you don't fucking know this is, that in today's society, you have to work from eight to five to raise a house, and that's two parents.

So in reality, the teacher, seize your kid more than fucking you do. Five days a week, nine to fucking three or nine to fall or whatever. My tour, I went to school from 7.30 to 2.30. So my teachers, like Felipe, who did I take for the premiere of Grudge Match? Your teacher.

My sixth grade teacher, John Barone, who broke me down and built me back up, hated me, I stole his fucking keys and threw him in the garbage. How did he get to me? He taught me how to play basketball. When he told me he was in the Hall of Fame for free throws, a cum came out of my ears

and I listened to every word that came out of his fucking mouth after that and another guy I talked to that's called into the podcast Mr. Terranova. He saved me from life. He saved me from me. He's the one that's it from now on nobody's going to call you Coco, bro.

They got to call you Joey. That Coco name, you got to get rid of it for now. Why? Because he goes, it just brought too much chaos because it's just chaos. I never hear Coco with something good attached to it. Okay. That changed my life.

And that's why until this day, every 10 days, I pick up the phone and call them in Sarasota, Florida, and go, T, what up, motherfucker. You know, so. Yeah. No, teachers are, it's a crazy job when you think about it. Like, I always look, like, when I think about it, I'm like, there's always that thing, like, those who can't do teach, or whatever, that's, like, the end of the saying. But I can't imagine teaching second grade for 30 years. like with those monster kids and they're not monsters

you just gotta stop them slow them down talk to them get to their level and after that you won't them show a kid you're on his side it's not all about 70s

and A's B's and Cs the kid's gonna give you a fucking A Oh yeah Kid's gonna give you an A You beat up on a kid to give you an A you ain't gonna give you an A as a teacher I'm talking about You know they could push you

There's some teachers who push you But they don't push you the right way There's some teachers that push you by holding your hand and letting it go and now you want the hand back. So that's the way out. You're going to have to get into it. You want his hand back.

You got to come up there with a fucking A. It's a beautiful thing, bro. I always found that the younger teachers would always be more strict because they were trying to command a room. But the teachers who had been there for 30 or 40 years were the ones who could joke around and be cool. It's not every time, but I always found that.

The younger ones were kind of nervous about it. And the ones like, it's like you on stage. It's like a new comic versus an older comic. And it's when you have the experience. Teachers an artist because it's his interpretation of how to teach. Everybody has a different way how to fucking teach, man. And nobody has the right way. I don't care how to know you.

You don't have the right way. Like my homeroom teacher, I remember him. He was Mr. Bose. He was from Chicago. You know, he was a music teacher. He grew up in Chicago. And I remember him telling me stories about Chicago, you know, like off the record stuff.

Like, he just picked me to tell me, you know, Because he was like a typical music teacher, six foot four, white hair, white hair, all the way to the back, you know, like he was a rock star back. And he always had, he would say, if anybody shed it, there's, doesn't be quiet right now, I'm going to put my size 12 in your, hmm, hmm, you know. And I would laugh.

You'll laugh. That's it. And it was how good a teacher he was. There was this Crip that grew up in my neighborhood. He was like a Crips, a Crip gangster. Yeah. We were in seventh grade, okay? This is ninth grade.

and he would come in and I was the only one he spoke to because I'm from the same neighborhood so he always sit next to me he was one of those kids that he will show up every 60 days to school he just sit down 60 days absent nobody gave him a fuck

nobody told him shit he just sat there and I remember one time he told me this crazy this kid came up to me he goes hey man I got some coke and that was the first time I saw a cold this long stoner guy and he told me tell this guy

if he wants to buy it. This is my friend Toby. He goes, tell that guy to be able to the bathroom and we're both going to rob his ass. And I said, I would to go tell the other guy? He said, he didn't want to buy any, all right? Okay. So that's how I told him. And then my teacher, Mr. Bose, he's a cool guy. He asked the student that my friend, you know, he asked them, you know, hey, mister, you know, would you like to spend some time in the summer with our family in our house? Because he saw that my friend, you know, this guy, East Coast CREP, First Street,

he thought that he knew he was in trouble already. You know, he said he's like 15th. My teacher knew this guy needed help. He offered him, would you like to spend a summer with my family, you know, just to get him away from the whole project life, selling crap, all that shit. You know what my friend told me? Yeah, man, Mr. Bowes talking about because

I want me to fucking spend that summer in his fucking house because shit, man. I say we should just go over there to rob this motherfucker, man. So he was a lost cause, okay? You know, but he tried. He cried. He tried.

He tried. He tried. He tried. That right there, you could always say, you know what, that guy could never walk around the world. Nobody fucking cared about me. You know, something to try. In ninth grade, there was his fucking white dude that said, broke down and said, Saw you're in trouble. He knows he was absent 60 days at a time, but all you're thinking about robbing his ass.

But I was thinking, why have Mr. Bow's ass my ass? I'm going to get out here laughing at your fucking jokes every Monday. But he knew Felipe's all right. Because I would go visit him. Even when I was in high school, after high school, I still went to go visit his classroom, you know. I was sneaking into the school and look for him, and he signed my high school yearbook, even though he didn't graduate.

He was the one that wrote the longest thing. Yeah. You know, he was like, that fool loved me, man. That's cool. It's amazing. It's amazing. I know Felipe is a teacher guy. I'm a teacher guy.

I, like I said, call tea every 10 days and we laugh about something. And he was cool, another student had died, and we always told stories about that. Well, like, do you have a grade or, like, a subject you would want to teach? I would teach history.

Oh, me too. I would teach history. I would teach math. You know, my English is horrible. What age group? Do you like, what younger kids are older? Whatever. Doesn't matter.

Throw them at me. I like to start with seventh grade, maybe. Middle school is the toughest. That's where you have... Oh, my God. They should have stopped Hitler and Munich. Yeah. That's where you should stop them.

That's where you could save these little motherfuckers. And you're not going to save all of them. All of them have a determined, whatever, you know. But some of them you could talk to it, and they think. Think about that. See, once you show a kid that you care outside the box, they can't figure that out.

That fucks with them. Then they start thinking, maybe I do have value in my life. So you need two or three teachers to do that. You just gave that kid value outside of his home. You know, what's the end of that song with Pink Floyd? It's brilliant. Who was brought on a house full of pain, the sheep or something?

I have no idea. Who was built not to spit in the fair. who was told what to do by the man. Are you fucking getting me or what? Lee Boom Boom, Zayat. What's the story? You need a half of G-No.

Gbo, Chu or Felipe, out of respect. It's Monday. No. Put a little fucking Tony Bennett on. Let's see what we got. You're ready. A little respect with my mom. My mom used to play this every fucking Monday, Lisa.

When she opened the bar, so I respect, I still do. Lisa, she hasn't stopped fucking texting in an hour. Jesus Christ. She's right now. her biography on the phone. Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? Monday, April 70.

Get out there, cocksuckers. Somebody's got your lunch money in that pocket, bitch. Or somebody who... Lee, where's the other one? I don't know. You fucking know. My man's got a cheap boat, true. No, I'm all set, Pam.

You're back. Tonight's the fucking NCAA game. You don't have to. to eat one of those. You just give him a little piece of Gumibe, he'll be happy. No, oh, that's too strong. Isn't that what I had? Oh, no, I can't. No, you never had a decade. You never had a deck. I did too have a deck on Friday. You didn't have a deck

on Friday. I gave you a 7 milligram. I gave you 35 milligrams of sativa. You saw the devil. The reason why you saw the devil is because there's different types of weed. I gave you sativa. Stiva's worse? It sends you into a different dimension. Our friend Duncan Charlesl says he swears

that those white jibbutzies have heroin in them. Really? tell you all day long he says he eats one a day little pieces and it keeps him alive lightweighting oh my god i don't even want you to eat the deck a little piece of sponday april 7th how you're not gonna eat a little fucking audible today i did i just three days in row and then you took the lord's day off like a fucking regular jute just now you're back you want to be back like aero smith in 10 or 6 don't you i do well eat a little piece with filippe it's monday what you got to do after this let's go party something like it's right go party

people must think you live the most excited you're going to be at home 15 minutes after this is over That's what I'm saying, let's go party You know what I'm saying? When I say let's go party, we'll take a ride We'll put some music on We'll smoke some vapor hits

When was the last time you did a vapor? You smoked Pop Friday night too I did We'll go to a computer store Farther in there and leave That's right, we go to an iPhone store You'll tell me about fucking cameras The problem is you always

Get high and go home And you let the walls creep up on you And then you do what the rest of Americans do You like that care from Las Vegas vacation. You need to relax. I do relax. I was sleeping in the Greenland. That's not that type of relax.

You need to go out on the edible and do something. Get some sun on your head. It's beautiful. Henry, you don't talk. You're from the desert. Your people are from the fucking desert. How do you not like the sun? I do like the sun.

You don't choose to go in it. Not with edibles? Are you crazy? You never go out in the sun. You like Dracula. That's true. All right then. How do you tell them?

Sit there and tell them you like the fucking sun. I like it. I've seen it before. You said I got to deal with them. You burn fast on the son. Oh, God, yeah. You're like a lobster. He smells like fucking hummus. He goes on fire.

He smells like fucking hummus and French fries. The other night, you were sweating. The hummus out of your paws and shit. I don't know why I was sweating. Open up that bagu me, he's ready. You know what, man? Not that one. You know, um...

I try to fly with hummus. We're going to split a half. How's that? No, thank you. Why not? What do you mean? Dude, I just did three days in a row, man. That's okay. Let's get down.

I'm all set. You need to loosen you up. I'm loose. You're over here. You can't think of your role model. Now you're pissed me on. I'm sorry. You're not going to think of your role model.

Huh? How are you not going to think? I don't know. I'm fucked up all over. Take a little bite. I'm okay, man. What do you come on for? It's Monday.

Oh, fucking just give it to me. Take the fucking. Eat the whole. No, I'm lighting the hole. God. Oh, what? I ate half of a half. Eat the other side.

You just said we found. You had a $2.00 bite. $2 bite. Eat the other side. Make it a $3 bite. Make it a $4 bite. Go ahead. Take the other.

You eat half is $5. What the fuck? Look at you're chewing it. It's going to go into your monoscules. Go ahead. Eat another piece. I'm embarrassing me for. You got to, Ari, you're watching.

So Ari's madly so you didn't eat the fucking thing the other day. I didn't even win. This isn't good radio. Fuck This isn't what No one No one wants to hear this But uh

Who didn't want to hear this This is your trials and tribulations You fucked up You didn't have a role model Now you gotta sit there Next time you come in here You better have a role model Cucke-Sug

We're not prepared It's one day You didn't ask me about it I didn't even know about it I didn't know about it Me neither Nobody know what was their role model I haven't talked about Mr. Cordato

In years It's fucked up Do you ever realize You can't remember Your teacher's names Like even now, I can't remember I remember some of them, but in middle school and high school and college, I can't remember their names.

I remember Mrs. Clark in third grade. Sister Anna in the fourth grade. Sister Angela Marie in the fifth grade. Mr. Levito in the sixth grade. Jesus Christ. Mr. Kinglow in the seventh grade in the seventh grade again when I got left back because I was a tartet. In the eighth grade, I had Miss Walsh.

Freshman homeroom. I had Mr. Totora. And I had, oh, fuck. That's all I can remember myself. I knew some of the gym teachers. Ms. Bernhardt. She showed her to my boss. She was a lesbian.

You know. You know how we do. Me and my first grade teacher. I don't remember her name. Second grade teacher was this hippie lady. She was hot. Her name was Ms. Huckabee. And there was a third grade teacher named Ms. Flenoy.

She was black. She's a beautiful lady, man. And then another teacher, Ms. Reynolds, was her sidekick. And then Ms. Reynolds, she was like, man. She was like the first woman I ever shared my dreams with. I told I want to be a wrestler And she laughed She thought I was kidding

I told I want to be a wrestler Like like mil maskadas like Hogan, Rottie Piper Because my grandmother had taken me To a wrestling match Yeah I had told my dad, you know, my dad I know my dad to know

Hey dad I've been watching wrestling all day You know dad I want to go to this You know like when you're a kid man You don't know like the price of stuff Or whatever your dad takes you But not your other six brothers So my dad just said fuck no you're crazy So I like I just sat there pissed off mad dog in him you know

So he left the room and then my grandmother called and said get ready Me and your uncle gonna pick you up to go to see fucking wrestling Oh shit so my grandmother took me to see wrestling and I see mil maskadas get fight Roddy piper And I see all these crazy wrestlers my grandmother did like this is bad wrestler He's part of the bad side my graph father stands up and slap the fuck out of his back. How old were you in this time?

I was like 12 or 8. Like a Felipe. 12 or 8. My grandmother love me, man. My grandmother would take money out of her tits and get given to me, man. Like wrinkle of dollars,

manor, like old lady's sweat. You never got a dollar out of the tithly? Yes, I didn't. Your mom put some money in the bra? I wasn't my mom. Probably my older relatives, I would guess. No shit. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, stop swinging the fucking check. So I told Ms. Reynolds, my third grade teacher, the whole damn story, man. I would do, like, I would do two hours of conversation with her after school. Like, I would stay an extra hour just to tell her my stories and adventures. Really? And Ms. Reynolds, like, wherever you're at, I know you're probably, like, gone, but if you got to know her, tell her what's up. Miss Reynolds.

You ever, like, Joey, like, you see a person that you like, and he has the same last name as one of your teachers, and you can't help. but asks them, are you related? I always do that. I always do that. I'm a dummy. Me too, man. I feel like an idiot. I asked this guy, this guy on Facebook, his name is Shaughnessy, and say, are you related

to Mr. Shaughnessy? Like, no first name, just Mr. Shaughnessy. He said, yes, that's my dad. Okay. Then he teach world history at Halleback Junior High School. Yeah. No. Okay.

All right then. Because Mr. Shaughnessy was a history teacher, and I was a horrible student. but I love leaving the projects. Like if there was ever a trip where they're going to go somewhere and look for artifacts, but they're going to leave LA. I was the first one to stand up. So he said, extra credit for any student that wants to go with me to a teacher's union meeting. And I said, all right, I'll go.

So it was like Mr. Shaughnessy, this other kid and three of us in his Volkswagen. And he took us to a teacher's union meeting without permission from the school. He ended up getting fired, you know, later on. If I found out he was a red. This guy had a communist poster in the classroom. But I don't know what communist was. He taught me, you know, about socialism. You know what the craziest thing is at it.

As far as I, you know, I was really good with a lot of teachers. I tortured a lot of fucking. There was a teacher, Mr. Zane. I put a snout on that motherfucker every day for like a month and a half. And I would pick my fucking nose and put a snout on this guy. That was like the running joke. Everybody knew when I come in, I would tap him on the shoulder, and I was putting the snout.

And he would come in the next day with the fucking jacket on, with the snot, frozen on his jacket, bro. To this day, I feel like an asshole about that. That's how my way. Because I tortured this poor fucking. I used to torture Miss Ishetani, man. Miss Ishtani, she was a little Japanese cooking teacher, man. We have a food class.

And, man, she picked me out from day one. Like, she didn't give me no knives. She didn't give, she didn't give, she didn't trust me with a fire. Like, she knew her the way that he was this guy. Like, everybody, everybody was cooking. She made me write the whole, the whole, the whole safety manual on paper. So she couldn't know that I read it. Went with, man, when she would leave the classroom, I would get all the eggs.

And I put them on her desk, on her chair, and then put her seat cover over it. And she would sit down and all the eggs was smashed. Then she'll start yelling and Japanese, you know. And then one time me and this asshole named Louie, because he's Louis, this fucking piece of shit, his fucking mom and dad used to own one of the fucking taco trucks. So this fool was in my cooking class, right? So I would fuck with him every fucking day.

What's up, Louis? What are you in this class? You're gonna take over the fucking family business dog or what? Are you gonna start cooking fucking taco with your fucking mom? So this fool got mad and he punched me. So I started fucking his ass up, man Miss Ishtonni trying to jump in

I pushed her out the way I started punching him Mr. Tani Anyways I ended up being her favorite student at the end of the class Because at the end of the year I recovered after that fight I fucking wrote down

The whole worksheet You know I shut the fuck up You didn't like the class on fire I didn't clack the class on fire man I didn't leave the ovens on the way out But I used to steal Every frog on my house To do what?

I don't know. I just wanted all the frogs. I steal them every day. Where do you put them? Outside in the garbage. I stole her for every day. She'd go, I know by the end of the day, somebody's going to steal my frogs.

Well, I've wanted that one. And I stole her scales. Then we started selling coke. I stole all her scales. The triple beams. I broke into the school and stole every scale. And this fucking moron ratted me on. I had to bring them all back except like four of them.

They were gone for life. Fucking amazing. How would you steal every scale? Because you were going to the scale business. The chain was big. Might take one. What am I going to do with one? For my house?

I don't know. How many skills can you work at once? 24. We stole them? Maybe 40. Jesus. Stole them, put them in a car, and took them home.

That's how you weighed Coke in those days. Everybody wanted a triple beam scale. Everybody wanted a scale in those days. If you didn't have a scale in your house, you weren't for real. Even people that didn't do drugs have a fucking scale. Still had the sticker on it, property of North Rugged in high school.

It's amazing. It's amazing. Everybody had a triple beam in 19. If you want to be fucking cool, people couldn't weigh themselves, but I could weigh fucking three grams of blow or rice or fucking chicken collards and shit. Fucking amazing, though. Great. I had a teacher, man.

I don't know. When you were in elementary, when you were in elementary, when you were in high school, junior high school, did they still have those technical schools that don't have no more? Yeah. Like metal shop, wood shop, plastic, wild demon mechanic shop. Fuck, yeah. I went into the business of making ninja stars in seventh grade.

I had metal shop teacher and we had metal I can't believe that was like 13 fucking with welding kids fucking hard heavy man I was a fucking blacksmith so what I would do man while the teacher's teaching man

all my friends we would get those metal scissors we had long metal sheets forever we would just make ninja stars and every time he would turn his back he would turn his back and start writing something we would test them on we'll try to just throw him man throw them on the backboard

and if they got stuck those were the ones that were worth five bucks I love how you said that the kids aren't monsters all these stories can you imagine having 30 of you guys in a classroom

it would have been a disaster in the eighth grade we used to go every there was a shop right yeah three football fields away and we would go to shop right and the shop with bubble gum

hubbububba and we come back and we'd have a hubbububble wall we chew it and throw out each other dog I'll never forget how Big bubble There was no trouble We had this Cuban kid

Listen man There's no reason There's a reason why I became a comedian Because it was those days We had a kid Louis Zalvovard that used to go No no

It was a kid Orlando South Sado We'd go Wow Like when the teacher Was reading That's all he would do From the party

Listen from 9 to 12 We were great But when we came back From lunch We'd smoke weed Yeah We'd get a piece of glass With a hole in it

We'd smoke weed like a joint between 10 of us and we go back with packages of hubbubba and then be fucking. When you put 10 pieces of hubbub in your mouth and you throw it it's like a fucking softball. And I remember one day this kid was up the front of the class.

Right? No. Hanno Sousel Sato had about 50 pieces of his mouth and he would just sit and go, wow. Wow. He threw the fucking hubbub at the kid and it knocked him out. The kid went down. The kid went down, right? He's crying. He's holding out to his head and Orlando asked him what flavor he got.

This fucking kid that was, I'll never forget, this was the worst class I was ever involved in. From this class today, there's definitely three people went to prison for life. Charlie Gizzy. For life? For life? Richie Columbo came back to beat up Mr. Barone. He was a Marine. He came back with the gun, with the helmet, the full battalion. Buron was telling us a story at the premiere. He goes, You didn't know about that. Richard Colombo came back 10 years later. Fucking with the mask on and everything to kill Barang.

And Charlie Gizzy definitely. He killed a kid down to five corners. Him and his brothers. Definitely. Charlie Gizzy was a kid that when an airplane went by. He would get on his desk and go like this. So you knew he was a gun. Yeah.

And that, I remember a teacher got sick. And we had a substitute. And every day the substitute, our goal was to make the bitch quit. Wow. And I'm one, the most, the sickest fucking thing they ever did was we had a, where our organization comes in to tell you, to try to sell you something like Easter seals or for kids that have problems and shit. And I'll never forget this, his teacher came in and he had this look on his face like he was going to walk. And he goes, I need to talk to you people seriously. He goes, there's new disease going around.

He goes, it's with kids and shit. And it makes kids walk three feet per every 30 minutes. you know can you imagine what life would be like and also Richie Colombo raised his hand and the guy's like what he goes give him roller skates I never forget him right

he goes give him a bro this guy just looked at him right and then the guy proceeded to go into a fucking thing like he wasn't mad at Richie Richie you just ignored him and the teacher said something else and right away somebody else said something I'll never forget that this guy stopped me

and he goes before I came to the school they said the eighth grade was the worst eighth grade in the history of North Bergen. That was my eighth grade. We got thrown out a nutcracker suite for shooting paper clips after fucking people on stage.

Throwing the nutcracker? Throwing the nutcracker. We got thrown out of Petty. Who made the flag? Betty Ross's house? Yeah. Fucking Louis Hernandez tried to rob the solo machine.

No, no, no. That Binga. This class was raw. This class was fucking raw. Was there any kids like me in the front of the class? Yes, and we love them. No, we loved them because they helped us out with homework and they figured out how to break into locks.

Guys like you, we put the work. If you had brains, you were loved in my neighbor. There was no nerds in my neighbor because you were used for something. You knew how to rig a phone. You know how to make a fucking small bomb. Kids like you knew how to make shit. I had no, my best friend was Michael Alagreb. This motherfucker got to be gone to Yale in the ninth grade or something.

He used to fucking, oh, I can't even go into it. This motherfucker used to do it. I love you guys. We had a teacher at Hollombach Junior High School and he was a math. teacher, his name was Mr. Wright. And let me tell you, everybody in that class did not belong in that class. They would use that class

to ditch. There was probably 13 students that were probably in the class, but the rest of the 20 were from other classroom who ditched in that class. And this guy, I felt bad for him because nobody fucking listened to him. And it was chaos, dude. But the way he

will calm everybody down was Mr. Wright would do Hitler jokes. Mr. Wright will take off his glasses, take off his glasses, put his hair to the side, take out his comb, and put the mustache, and go like this. Two Jews walk into the bar, and they were never seen again.

And everybody would just laugh. They will start asking, why would they never seen again? Okay, you got to want to learn now? You want to learn about World War II? See, you're going to open up with a fucking joke, you know? I think I've definitely became a comedian today because of Mr. Terenovo. Mr. Wright. That's it.

Nobody listened to me. And you got to push the envelope. He opened up with a Hitler joke. What's the way of that? And you were even a history teacher. You're a math teacher, but he had to teach something. And nobody fucking complained. No.

No, it's amazing, bro. I saw a guy teach that I learned the style. I learned something from a man named Fred Ternova that he took a bunch of kids that wouldn't listen to anybody. And when you went in there, they were friends. Like it was like Jesus was on fucking stage. They gave this guy all like the below average history things and he turned them into the rule was you never cut him. There was no reason to cut the guy. You would not cut him because you don't want to miss a joke.

That's how good the guy was. Because as soon as you walked in, what's going on, he'd trim his mustache, he'd comb it and he'd make his eyebrows go up and down. And then he'd make everybody get up, you know, Lee's side of, get up, you know, leave side of, get up. What's that shirt you got on? What are you fucking nuts or what? Sit down. Then he'd go to the girl. Look at those shoes.

What are you, Spider-Man? And he would just go. Go, and the Spanish kids you were torment. Look at those fucking cockroach killers. And then that was it. And then after that, he'd get into it. That was it. You got to stop him.

You got to stop him and let you know it. And then after that it was like stealing. And then he would read about shit. And then he'd go, you know what? Fuck Abe Lincoln. He'd get the record play and he put on Woodstock. And he'd say, this is history. Trust me, 50 years from now,

you're going to give a fuck about. of Lincoln but you're still gonna be listening to this album and he's right I still put what's not gonna every once more yes that was Jim Morrison live at the Hollywood Bowl god damn god damn what's up Lisa you get you know if I got Gumi bear you want another piece you didn't need enough what you face is red now look at look at the shape of this body I had a teacher named Mr. Root he's really funny you say that your teacher said fuck and he put on that album I have Mr. root who taught English right

And one day he just said, nobody was listening. I was making fun of him, you know. I thought he was white, but he was actually a Chicano, a Mexican guy. And one day he just said, tomorrow, everybody just bring your favorite album, your favorite rock album. So, man, this long-haired stoner, who never listens. He falls asleep in his class all the time. Comes in high. This guy brought the most albums of everybody.

And they were all Iron Maiden. So the teacher played Run to the Hill. The white man came across the sea. Yeah, that's a battle. He brought us pain and misery. So that's the first sentence that, of the first lyric, he wrote it done on the wall. What does he mean by this?

And we talked about the Iron Maiden album. We broke down the whole album, word by word, grammar by grammar. But then my Mr. Rood got real affected by Run to the Hills. He goes, you know what this means? The fucking white cock-suckers came over here, and they did one, two, one, white student in the class named Paul and everybody was just looking

at Paul hey we have a student here by the way Mr. Chicano studies teacher here all of a sudden so this Paul stood up and looked at Mr. Root and said fuck you you fucking asshole and then he goes you see that's what I mean white people are afraid

to admit their fucking guilt and he fucking that was it eh yeah we can't yell that sorry about that No, whatever. Sorry about that. So, we're not. And it stinks. It's an office building.

From one end of the hall to the other, we can hear you. We're on the phone with business people. We have people coming here and it smells like pot. We're not smoking pot. Why do you people keep saying that? Nobody's smoking pot. I don't know. You know, but enough is enough.

This is not okay. I'm sorry about the noise today. We just got emotional. Close the door, Lee. Sometimes you get emotional. What are you going to do? You know what I say? You insult the white people.

You can't say fuck white people, Lee. It was Mr. Root. I got to get white people. It was Hitler jokes, Lee. Look at Lee. Look at the shape of it. It's the alley, you don't fight at the school district.

Look at Lee. Lee, what's up, Doug? That's not. Damn, he's at that little war. No, no, no. I'm not at the high yet. I just, I was getting nervous. I feel like my mom just yelled at me or something.

What's the fucking old lady? The feds, what are you going to do? I thought it was the last time somebody knocked like I was the fed. I was flush and blow it on the fucking sink. I don't want to shit myself. I was in the nervous. No. No.

It stinks. Shut up. It always stinks in here. That's what they always say. We didn't smoke no pot in here. We didn't have nothing's going on. Okay. You know what?

Hold on one second. What's the matter? Okay. Let's bring it back down They're taking over I love it See this is what I'm saying This is a good producer at here

Oh yeah LSD Everyone is office space In the greater Southern San Fernando Valley We can use it No way we're gonna be in here For us like

Oh my fucking trip Hopefully we'll move us to a big office You know it's funny man Right now with her knocking And me being here And me being loud Just remind me of one time when I was getting all fucked up and drinking a lot

and you told somebody, let me tell you, man, don't put Felipe as parts in your fucking car. You fuck, I'll give a fuck if you're fucking, there's nothing wrong with you. You have no warrants with Philippe in your car right now. You're going to get fucking pulled over. He's a magnet. Just tell them you were on TV.

Give him some free DVDs or something. So go away. I was the last comic stand. When Felipe was fucking around, Felipe was fucking around. Didn't Rick Ramos got a DIY? Oh, man. Poor Rick Raymos.

It was my birthday party, man. My birthday party. It was two people. And I was at Walt Coyotes. It was on Saturday. It was my birthday. You know, like you feel like you want to get fucked up. And I had nobody, bro.

I had no car no more. My friend, I crashed it. And I saw Rick Ramos, you know, this point doing shit. He had no lady. He had nobody. So I called him up. I said, what's up?

I said, what's up? You want to party? It's my birthday. So the fool shows up to Monday. on Balo and we're drinking, we're parting, while I'm drinking. Then I said, you know what, I gotta meet somebody over here in San Gabriel by Atlantic Boulevard. My dealer, he had a little bag, a little birthday bag. They would sell it to me for half off.

Is that I'm smoking, having a good time? And I flicked a cigarette out the window, man. And next to you know, boom! Like those cops came out of nowhere, man, like Christmas lights. and then he goes, oh, that's not getting paranoid. I said, oh, shit. The first thing I'm digging, oh, shit, I'm glad we're getting pulled over before I meet the guy.

Yeah. And then they take all the, they put Rick Ramos on the back, and they're searching them, and they're testing them. And they give him a DUI, bro, and they arrested his ass. Poor Rick Ray. So, believe I had to drive the car home. Rick was dying. And then, fool, it was so sad because I called that,

every minute. Oh, bro, it fucked up, man. I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. If I hear about a TV crew, I might call you up, bro. Oh, that fucked up, man. We're going to have a fundraiser at Wild Coyote's for you, bro, to get for your bail. Oh, man, I'm sorry, man. That's hysterical. That is hysterical. And then, um, it's funny, I saw Freddy Soto's dad one time in El Paso, and he told me, Felipe, don't throw no cigarettes out of my car. That is hilarious. Let me ask you something now. This podcast you're doing now. What's up, fool?

You kidnap people. You tell stories about kidnapping certain people and getting involved. This is in your heyday. In my hey days. Do you have the people on the show telling the story with you like Aerosmith did? Yes, I have Juan Garcia. And I have Kenny and Theo from Houston. Okay.

Remember that you and I did that one night of Hawaii? We just got paid to sit down and then the show was over. Right. And then I just took off. Well, that day I took off and I went to go party, man, with Keith Manning and Theo. We went to after our party with a black after our party. I invited black people to an after our party. And I'm there with them and it gets crazy.

So these guys tell their version of it. Because my version of it is, oh, I party, I had a good time. But when you're with, when you don't party or it's like taking it. this, I said, take it leave somewhere where there's cocaine where he don't do that stuff. No, he sees it from a different perspective. So there's their perspective. Yeah, so Juan Garcia talks about how he used to babysit Jeff Garcia's son, you know, for stage time. And how when Richard Rhea used to cut his grass for stage time, so he talks about that.

We don't say their names, we just say this idiot comedian. We don't want to, people expose them out there or nothing like that. It's pretty funny. We were in bad shape at one time. It's Lee, it's two different worlds if you see him and I now and him and I say 12 years ago. I can only imagine. We wouldn't even be sitting here two in the afternoon 12 years ago. This would be here for a reason. We'd be here for a reason right now.

Be the mug of you or steal a microphone. Scratching tables. Take a camera. It's really amazing to see that. I love that you guys would do that. and you would you stole your teacher's car keys and I had a panic attack because there's some old lady who I'm never going to see it and got mad at me You know, it's a It's really amazing

I tell people all the time I never never never knew I was gonna get off drugs I get off I never ever ever knew I thought it was for good and then I seen the movie ray And that made me think I didn't want to do drugs till I was fucking 64 years old That was not gonna happen Either that I was gonna fucking die or something and I just didn't see it.

So to be here with you sitting in, we're clean, it's fucking amazing. Who gives a fuck about something? You know, it's funny. Like, if people knew, like, let's say we told people we'd smoke 10 joints a day, people would say something. But if they knew it was 10 years ago, they'd go, leave me alone.

Just leave them fucking along. You know, it's amazing. It's amazing how we call each other to test each other out at 7 in the morning. What are you doing? Nothing. I'm about to go work out. What are you doing?

No, no way, huh? Nothing. I'm sitting here. I'm going to write a joke. We were both looking for a package, but we're too ashamed to tell each other. I know, right? We both pick up the phone and the first ring.

The first trucking the ring. I would call them for four in the morning from any of what's going on. It was just a really weird time. But it's part of being, and I can't say this because not everybody, every comedian did it, but it was part of our journey. And it made us a bit of comic. You know, once we got off the shit and the drinking and the drugs

and just, you know, Bro, look at it's not doing drugs, it's a motherfucker. It's a time we spent thinking about them and putting an hour together and having Rick Ramon drive you to Atlantic City or whatever fuck. Atlantic Boulevard. Atlantic Boulevard, you know, that's where your time is. That's why to even be a comic is,

but I was a comic to fuel my addiction. But at the same time, when I was addicting, it made me a better comic because I was out every night. We were out doing three, four fucking sets of night. Even if we got $60, all we needed. Sixteen hours. That's all I needed. I knew, like, once I got a $60, I knew that I could, like,

I could work with that, you know, and I'm gonna get, I will say I'm gonna get drunk at this bar for free. And these 60 bucks I'm gonna do to recover. Oh my God. I can't imagine a living like that. It's amazing. Monday nights at the sunset room. I mean, it was a six-minute, a week thing.

You say, I went out and not three nights this week and got high. Doug, our week started on Monday. And sometimes by Wednesday, you pulled them all nighter. Then you go to Casa Latina on Tuesday. You still got a Thursday, Friday, Saturday contend, you got to take a plane on Saturday morning. On top of this addiction,

no sleeping, tired, no money. We never had fucking money. Not a credit card, ATM machine. There was nothing. I don't have a check in a college. Nothing. We couldn't. We couldn't. We couldn't. We couldn't. We could.

Because it'd get fucking confiscated. Even though I was paying child support every 90 days, I would go to my bank account and there was $120. I was taking that. Oh, 101,8 take, you know what it is to go to a restaurant with something, you go to pay with your ATM card and there's no money in there and you just put a hundred dollars in because child support took it.

It's fucking amazing. That life, that life is a fucking nightmare. And I was paying child support. I was paying it. It's just an amazing thing that I made it through that man. I never thought, you know, I kept paying the child support and it was going nowhere. The payment was fucking going nowhere. You know why?

because I was paying the state of California, and their interest rate was out. When I called Colorado, Colorado was like, tell them to go fuck themselves. You only owe us $4,000. You're paying into a fight-fucking fund. The order came from Colorado. It didn't come from California.

It's fucking amazing how people take your money. And we go to jail. You know what I'm saying? We're a motherfuckers that go to jail. So you have no idea. I mean, it was a journey for both of us. That's why when he won last comic standing, I fucking cried.

Because I wasn't happy for him. I was happy for his journey. They could be done. If you really want to do something, you can fucking do it, Jack. Yeah. Drugs, missing a leg, missing an eyeball, an arm. I don't give a fuck. Emotionally, your cat died, your mother died two days ago.

This is what you do, man. This is what it's all about. And I'm happy. You're doing a fucking podcast. I'm happy. I'm doing it with you. We're going to get them. Yeah, I just started doing a podcast.

It's called What's Up Food Podcast with Felipe Esparsa. Where did you come up with that name? I don't know. No, you say, what's off? No, I'm joking. He said a lot. I came up with, what's up? You know, man, it's weird.

Like, sometimes I get offered coke at different places. Like, sometimes I'm doing laundry at the laundromat, and I see a fan, and he passes by, and he sees me, hey, man, you want to do a bump? And, man, I get tempted, man. I get, I say no, but I really mean yes. The whole time I'm saying, no, I'm going like this. No, I don't want to do it.

But then when he leaves, I regret it. I regret saying no. I start thinking about how could I get away with this okay that's how I do it next time man next time somebody off with these drugs I'm going to just take off with my fiance's car for five days and then

they park it somewhere and they tell her I left it there so she won't call the cops man you start drinking like a drug addict again you start being scantless man because you're a fucking car artist when you're a crackhead because man I would I would like use people

man this is the whole my podcast all about how I used to use to meet young comics that when Joe Diaz said that he could teach a young kid the right stuff me I could see a young comic who's just starting off

and I'm a drug addict okay I'm a big drug addict and I see a young comic with two good jokes but a full tank of gas ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha everybody's a pork chop everybody was a pork shop

if I went to 7-11 with you If I went to 7-Eleven with you And you got soda and you pulled 20 on I saw 3-20s in your wallet One of those 20s is going to be mine by the end of the day Yeah, I remember you were 20 I was going to tell you some fucking story I'm how I needed that 20

You know what I'm saying There was no fucking way you weren't going to give it to me It's amazing Your whole life is a fucking We gotta keep it low after this I remember at least till we finish When you asked for that fuck out of here before the cops come When I was when I saw

Donnie Brasco and what's his name Pacino's character he kept asking for that 20 That's how you were bad You open up Like you open up an envelope A piece of it was mine

There was no way it wasn't mine And it was hysterical How people would take money out in front of me And I go You know It would just tax you Like for no reason It did you get you

A 20 You gotta give me a 20 What the fuck? We're friends I don't know what you're friends for 20 What fuck is wrong with you me a fucking 20

I love that logic I don't want to be friends with just give me 20 it's gonna be 20 what's a big deal you got six of them in your pocket you just show me you got six of them you got six of them I gave you a 20 last week

well give me another 20 or you 40 what's the big deal we're friends what the fuck hey how about when we were hanging out and you were just talking to the back of the comedy to how nobody here hustling nobody's running numbers

and you came up with an idea how you got some cash with Gabriel we do it We just see a young comic, known of my $100, but at the end of the week, title to pay him $75, and I asked you, what if you don't pay? Let me tell you, that motherfucker's going to pay.

It's going to pay. It's amazing. And you don't have to hit nobody, you hit them in the head. It's just amazing when you talk to people. They'll pay you. It's amazing. It's amazing people, you know,

especially if you're thiefing. If you're thiefing and I saw you, you have to give me a $20. What's a thiefing? If you're a thiefing, if you have to, let's say, if I know you were selling Coke and you have to make a $3, 4 and I'd take a $20 from me. What's $20?

You just made $400. What do you care? But when I made $400, if I'd see, I'd throw you a $22. Okay. That went two ways. You following me? There's a street thing, and then there's this other shit. Because you never know.

You might see me one day, and I got eight bills in my pocket, and you might go, Joe, I'm having a bad day. Take a yardstick. You were there for me four fucking times. Ah, that's the other hand of the fucking thing. That is true. Or one day you might need a gig, and I'll call you and so, bro, this guy got a gig for you for $500.

You worried about the 20 you gave me to the other night, And I was saying, you're like, you're right. Gives a fuck amongst French. I'm fucking $20. He's the fuck. Like, what's how? I was, I was still partying. It was like 4 in the afternoon, and I called him up, and I said, what are you doing?

Me met that, me at the 7-11, you always shoplifted at. And then I met him there, and I was like, put it this way. Joe Diaz had not been parted for three days. And I had that face that you don't want to see from somebody who's sober three days, you know? You want to be like that, but you don't want to see. When you're sober, As a cold kid, you don't want to be reminded of other cold kids. So I showed up and I knew I had that face, but I gave Joe Diaz $200 to hang out with me for 30 minutes.

It's amazing, man. It's amazing what you do, the little partner. It's like I had me, him, and Mike Kessler, the werewolf, the wolf. The wolf. The wolf. And we would call each other. Like, what do you got, Lee? Lee, cut it out.

What do you got? I got three dogs. But it's got last minute of Friday, Lee, come get me. I got $30 too. You want to stay home like a fucking faggot? You want to get some blow and go down to the economy. You still have a few drinks.

Come on down and get me. And next thing you know, you're out, man. And next thing, you know, you're telling me, and the next thing when he picks me up, he's really got 60. And I go, where did you get the other day? You're going to want, I need this for next week. I'm taking Paul out.

Give me the fucking $30, got a second. Let's go. And you're out. That's it. That's it. Wednesday. We worry about Paul. on Monday. Okay.

I'll give you back to 30 bucks on Monday, but today we're going to snob blow. That's not blow. What the fuck? That's it. That's it. That's a fucking friend's dude,

Doug. That's why this guy's sitting here now. How many gigs he'd get me? I remember one night we were in Fresno, and I bought Blow, and he was a silent bar, and I told him to come to the room, but it wasn't Blow,

with speed. I was never so fucking embarrassed in front of these guys. My jaw was going. I was sweating. I had two cigarettes in my mouth. the whole fucking time. Why?

Because the speed was making me go fucking bananas. Yeah, man, we were watching La Bamba. The Bamba. In the hotel room with the door open, fucking sweat and bullets with the air on. You had no fucking ideally, and you had a little piece of fucking Gumi Bear. You're turning red and shit?

Yeah. Is that what you're trying to tell me? Yes. I haven't done any of that shit. Should I side kick you in the diaphragm now or fucking later? I just, since you're a bigger, comic down they're putting you in nicer hotels

like I wish you would still do this stuff in those kind of hotels and just get the nuts and the door like this. Let me play some to you. If you know anything about me, I hate those big hotels. Why? I'd much rather be in a medium range hotel where I could do whatever fuck I want because there's no responsibility in those hotels. When you stay in the high, you can't

fucking spark, you can't, you know, have a party to wait in the morning. Somebody's going to knock on the fucking door. You got a businessman next next to you. You can't jump on it down. You want to be in a medium range of hotel with people getting tied up and stabbed next So whatever the fuck you're doing Don't mean dick

You know what I'm saying? I like a nice hotel You need like a Like a comfort air with a balcony That's where I just stayed You didn't eat free breakfast You told me yourself You didn't eat the free breakfast

How bad was it? I didn't try the eggs I just got the waffle I got one of those Terrible Waffles That you put in the little thing And twisted around And it cooks

Were they Hindus? Yeah Did the hotel smell like I do Kind of a little But they didn't have bacon and they'll have sausage. I was like, you were, um, you were wake, you were wake up early in the morning. Always.

You just came back from radio and then you see, you see, like, a buffet there. Then you go there, but, like, usually, like, the, but it's not, it's not for the, for the guests. It's for, like, a banquet or something, but you don't know. So, this was what happened to me, man. I was the Sheraton, right here in Ventura. So I came back, because I always stayed at the four points in, right here, in the, uh, Sheraton. Sheraton and Ventura because it's cleaner

than all of them around there. And I go there, you know, and I start making my omelet, my oatmeal, because the only thing I could eat is oatmeal as I'm vegan. So I'm making oatmeal. I put bananas and I need brown sugar.

There's no brown sugar there. I go, I take my oatmeal to the front desk, carrying an oatmeal. And I ask, excuse me, is there any brown sugar? She goes, I'll get you some. So then she went to go get it for me.

And then this Gestapo looking white. cock sucker, right? Fucking white cock sucker, asshole, piece of white cocksucker, piece of shit, motherfucker, right? Comes up to me and goes, put that down, just like that.

Put that down. And I said, I don't know what you're talking about, sir. He goes, are you part of that banquet? I said, no, well, you need to put that down. And I said, you know what? I am not going to put that down. How about that? And he goes, no, I'm going to need to put this down.

And I said, all right, you fucking piece of shit. I'm going to put this oatmeal down right now. And I put it right on his fucking feet. There's your fucking oatmeal. You racist piece of shit. This was last week. On the first. This was last week.

And I wrote a yelp this shit, right? Then I asked them, do you work here? There you go, Lee. Hello. I have talked to you guys before. I need to talk to you guys before. Okay, we'll finish you. Close that door, bro. You're happy with yourself?

So I'm wondering. So I ended up happening. So I ended up, I ended up, I went back to my room angry. I wanted to punch him. I wanted to beat his ass. So then I just waited and I went downstairs and I asked the front of him. What is his name? That man, who is he?

Oh, he's a general manager. That piece of shit is a general manager with poor customer service skills. He shouldn't be arguing with customers like that over a fucking oatmeal. So I got his name, his name is Victor Dollar, and I wrote a big Yelp review about how horrible his customer service is. You know, that he shouldn't be, first of all, General Manager shouldn't be walking up to somebody ate and be in charge of oatmeal or buffets, you know, especially if the buffets in front of the lobby. Yeah. So it's a mistake that anybody could make, you know, like, okay. You have a buffet in front of the lobby.

I didn't know it was part of the convention. You know, you should approach me and said, excuse me, sir, this old meal is for that convention. You need to put that down. But to come up to me and speak to me like a little boy, put that down. Fuck him. Yeah. So I wrote a review.

I wrote letters to the Sheraton, all the Sheraton's, you know, teach this guy how to treat people right or how to speak to Mexicans, you know. You know? Maybe he speaks to all his Mexican and people. employees like that, but you know, shit, I... It's not what you say, it's how you say it. It's how you say it. You don't come up to me, speak to me, stern, man.

You're not a teacher. Yeah, I know exactly. So I was angry, bro. I felt like I should just beat his ass. But I couldn't beat his ass, dude, because when I was coming from Toronto, border, the immigration stopped me and I stood two hours. I missed my flight because immigration found out that I had a, I don't have a criminal record, but I don't have a criminal record, but I was, I was a...

I've been arrested but never charged. It's like being nominated for a Oscar but never winning, you know. So it doesn't matter. So they stopped me at the, I just stood there, but I was in an immigration booth where they keep all the immigration people in a hall and I was the only brown face there. It was a lot of Russians, there was a lot of white Russians. Put it this way, bro. I was there.

I was thinking that I was going to get deported and arrested for, I don't know what. I got on tactic mode, like survival mode. I was already sizing up which Russian I was going to punch first to scare the rest of them, you know? And then I saw three brown faces come in. I was thinking, okay, one of these guys is tough. I'm going to have to sell one of them to somebody else. You know, I was already planning it out, bro.

Like, I'm going to get to, me and this brown guy, we're going to fucking stab these motherfuckers right here right now to let him know we're in charge. And then this weak, motherfucker, once we get to the real prison, we're going to sell him. You know? So I was already planning it out, but I was fucking scared, dude. Jesus, part.

And what they come back and say, I'll let you go right away. They let me go and they told me that you should just become an American citizen and avoid all this shit. So I'm thinking so you could commit more crimes as an American citizen and stay in the country than you can do as a permanent resident. Oh, shit. Yeah, Joe Dia, the whole time I was thinking about you, the whole time I was there, man. I can just imagine. That's why I don't fucking go to Canada. Let me give some shout-outs to some fucking people

and wrap it up so we get evicted today and shit. Sorry about that matter. I mean you get you out of the victim? No, we're getting in trouble all the fucking time. I'm going to give a shout out to my main man, Ross Preston, Jitsgear.com. They sent me some great gear. They sponsor Jeremy Stevens.

Go to their website there. Laurie in Texas, I love you, Coxucker. My little brother, Timmy Holloway, Timmy H, and his boys, Stephen Boos, Deenad, Dina Dog, and Oscar Hernandez, you bad motherfucker. Also a shout out to my sponsors. What's happening, Lee? I'm fucked up.

Already from a little piece. You see what I'm saying? Lee, what I'm doing today? Not at all. You got up at 6 in the morning. No, I got up at like 9. You didn't eat nothing. No.

You're fucked up. Yeah. You're fucked up. Anyway, go to honor.com. For all your health needs, whether it's alpha brain, whether it's strong bone, fucking immune, whether it's the hemp force protein. That's getting more and more delicious. the chocolate. I got the asai even

I liked it, but I liked the fucking chocolate a lot better. All your fucking health needs go to Onet.com. Also Dollar fucking Shave Club putting it together for you. It's Church and Onet. What's that? Code Word is Church. Oh, the code word. If you go to Onet, go to

Joy Deers.net. Go to the box. Go to Onet. Order. You get 10% off. What's the code word? Church. Church. Thank you for reminding me. You know what I'm saying? I'm feeling good. I'm looking good. Everything is beautiful. Also, Dollar shave club let me tell you something as usual I got like four thank you's this week

and one guy goes you're right you could stab somebody with the handle he goes it's pretty fashion and it's tough please if you're gonna why stand on line Rusty raises the whole fucking bullshit deal get these things sent right to your house no drama $1, $6 or $9 a month who's better than that shit

comes right to you I got an email from them today that I'll get it like next week or something like that right you get an email like three or four days before they tell you you throw the fucking razor away you pop The other one, two days later, you get your fucking blades in the mail. Tremendous durable. They last for a long time.

They got two blades. Fuck that little dude now shaving with one blade taking those. Don't sound bad. When I was locked up in prison, the guy cut my hair with a fucking straight razor. The best haircuts I used to get. Anyway, go to Dollar Shave Club right now. Go to Joey Diaz. Dot.

In the box, what are your press, brother? Church. Church. C-H-U-C-H. For the best razers out there. Also, my main motherfucker is also at Hulu Plus. 799 a month. If you go to Huluplus.com, you're pressing.

Joey. Listen, let me tell you some. The shows they have are unbelievable. From Shark Tank to what else is on there, bro. The Daily Show Family Guy, Bob's Burgers, the Night Show. Bob's Burgers, the Tonight Show. You want it, you got it. You want to binge on different shows.

You want to watch them on Roku, your iPhone, your fucking tablet, whatever that. A sheet on the wall, whatever you got, Hulu Plus will deliver. If you go to HuluPlus.com, it's going to cost you $7.99 a month. They're going to get one week for free. If you tell me, you know, Uncle, Fuck. and Joey, you get two weeks for free, two, bitch, two gratis, Ugats, nothing. There you have it.

That's how I roll. Go to Hulu Plus today and get started, all right. What are you pressing the box? Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y, just in the case you don't want Sesame Street growing up. Also, to my main people, escapodtank.com making it happen. Making it happen. Call them up on the 800 line.

They'll talk to you, go to their web page. Look at the different tanks they have. They have industrial tanks, commercial tanks. You got tanks for your house. If you want to jump out in the tank in the ocean, they even got a tank for that. Go to their webpage, see what they got, call my man up. He'll talk to you, he'll help you out. He'll walk you right through it.

They're great tanks, plus you save at least two, three Gs off the tank, off the top. That's how they roll. Once you mention church, Joey Diaz, the flying Jew, a Yamika, a Jew sneaker, boom, you get $250 off. That's how we roll that, Lisa. Yeah, you understand. Who's better than you? No one is. Fuck, I love you.

What are you got to the monkey, guys? You got the fucking mug. We're going pre-sale this week. We got the mugs. We got the patches, and the patches are on fire. I knew they would. Stupid fucking jujitsu, ghee patches. People love all that shit.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? My man Felipe Spars is here today. I had a good time with him. He's fucking nuts. That's why I love this guy. You know what I'm saying? I'm talking to an uncle.

What days does the podcast get released? The pocket gets released. What? The first and third Fridays of the month, the first and third Fridays. It'll be Fools Fridays Fools Friday And it's called

What's UpFood.com You can find it on SoundCloud Or All Things Comedy Or my webpage Philippesworld.com And on Stitcher too We're on Stitcher And on iTunes

Felipe Esparsa What's Up Food? Look off for it I don't have a guest host It's just me and Rodrigo Torre sometimes or Chris Thorin Or whoever I find in the streets I'll be at Flappers

in Burbank April 18 19, Tempe Improv, May 2nd through the 4th. I'm going to Albert Kirk in New Mexico for the first time. May 8 at Santa Ana Star Casino. I'm going back to Tucson. I haven't been there since Bugsys. And I'm fucking loud.

I'll be in Tucson, May 9, Rialto Theater, and Victoria, Texas, May 15 through the 17 at Golden Gecko. Orlando Improv, May 22nd. You're talking about Philippe's World.com. Because you're confusing me with the fucking dates. You don't want that one. You don't want these poor people confused. You give them 19 dates

so you can't even write that fucking fast unless they want to speed writing, whatever the fuck that is, when court stenographer, whatever the fuck that is. What you're at next week, Cucksucker? I'm here.

I was just on Steve Samillan's podcast, Good Times. So, yeah, hair packing. So listen to this week's episode of Good Times and just thank you to everyone who came out to the shows.

It was really nice. I'll be in Dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, Michigan, this weekend. That's it. You understand me. I'll see you motherfuckers tomorrow. Unless the woman next door presses charges. That's right. And we got Peter Siegel calling tomorrow from a grudge match when the CB

gets released. I love you guys. Stay black. 10 a.m. podcast tomorrow. Felipe's Spaza or Felipe's world. Thanks for having me, man. Here the cuckers. Okay, yeah. We're 10 a.m. not Wednesdays this week. I know that the show is over. Don't forget to sign up for Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus let you binge on thousands of it shows.

Anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast. and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to JoeyDias.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar ShaveClub.com. Get high quality wazers sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of weight pay at retail. Go to Dollar Shaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to Joey Diaz. And then click on the Dollar Shave Club banner.

I got a beat from Kim And she could fuck all the homies And I'm ax and y'all Which part are y'all plan Me on the court and I'm troubled Last week fucked around And got a triple double Freaking niggas every way like MJ

I can't believe Today was a good day Hit the showers Didn't even get no static from the cowas Because yesterday Them booze tried to blast me Saw the police and they roll right past me No flex and

Didn't even look in a nigger's direction as I ran the intersection With the short dogs house they was watching your on TV wraps What's the haps on the craps? Shake em up shake em up shake em up shake em up shake em Roll em in her circle of niggas and watch me break them with the 7.7 11 7 11 7 7 I'm yelling top today wasn't been trying to fuck since the 12th grade It's ironic I had the rule she had the chronic The Lakers beat the s about the dude

Jammy unsteak like one of those fried dreams didn't even see a berry flashing nose hot I'm thinking about