The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #168 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 14, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt solo! This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 04/14/2014.

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or just go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Dollar ShapedClapClubter. And thank you to EscapePodtank.com. They have all your sensory deprivation tank needs. They're already going to save you thousands. But if you mentioned in the church of what's happening now, Joey Diaz, anything like that, they're going to save you an extra $250 off. The groove is in the heart, Coxsuff. Oh, yeah, Jesus Christ.

Here we go, Coxuckers. Monday, April 14th, fuck your taxes. Live your life. The IRS ain't going to throw you in jail. Yeah, just telling the truth, you ain't got the fucking Guitus. And they'll do a little fucking pay plan with you. Hit it! Oh shit!

Kick that motherfucker Lee. Don't make me fucking stab you on a Monday morning. I gotta be in county jail by the lunchtime. What? What the fuck people? Wake up, cocksuckers. Monday, April 14th, the day the devil was buried in the sea,

and he got fucked in the ass. That's how lucky you are. Cricket league, kick it. Nobody set the lower, motherfucker. Oh, up, jumping jacks. Get up. Wiggle for me, Lee. It's been too long. Come on, wiggle for Joey.

Eating spare ribs all weekend. Oh, yeah. Cocksucker living like a doctor. It's the church of what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers. Wash your helmet. Sling some dick, powder your balls. It's going to be a hot day today. Oh, shit.

What's the story, Lee? What the fuck, Lee? Where you've been all week? Lower that shit. What's up? I mean, I was in Vegas for the weekend. You have a nice time? You jump up and down.

concerts you go see? Lana Del Rey. How did you get fucking tangled into this nightmare? My girl likes. The concert itself, her herself is a very good singer. But it was... What did she sing? Kind of like ballad sort of stuff? I don't know.

I mean... Did you feel like taking a fork and stabbing yourself in the eyes on the second song? No, no, no, no. Her songs herself are fine. I haven't been to... I haven't seen people like that ever. So was at the... Cosmopolitan. Show was at 7.

At 5.30, we get there just because she wanted to be close up to front. She liked that. She used to get there like 10 hours early for shows. That was never my thing. I'm not really into concerts.

So we get there and it's kind of like we're in like the third line. So they have a ballroom filled. You know how they have lines at movie theaters with the ropes? They did that with big tables. So we sit there for an hour and a half. and when they please open the door these like 100 pound

20 year old girls start pushing the tables over and it's like it's like the Black Friday scenes and they start rushing for the doors and the cops have to slam the door shut and we're all, it's like it's like Black Friday so after like 20 minutes of these crazy people pushing and shoving

we get in and we're like in the middle of the crowd now in front of the stage and people are ebbling you and pushing you and I don't like people I don't know touching me I get I get claustrophobic so about 20 minutes into that before right when the opening guy starts about an hour in because it doors opened at seven opening guy didn't even start till eight so around eight o'clock I was like I got to go sit down somewhere I told that to use a bathroom

and I just went and sat a little bit out outside of the concert room I sat there for like 20 minutes composed myself got a couple of waters for her and me and when I left she was like you're not going to be able to get back in and I've been a con I go to the jumping up and down Israeli guys and yeah it's busy but you can get back in you can walk around like a human being

when I try to walk back in with the waters you would have thought I was going to murder these girls' families they were elbowing me they weren't letting me in I was like listen I'm not trying to stand here I just want to get to where my girlfriend is with these waters and I'll leave you alone and they were like they weren't they were lan al-a-mean i had to like push some girls out of the way and after like

five minutes i just couldn't get to her it was it just wasn't happening so i text her says i'm in the back if you want to come if you want to stay there i understand so she came out we stood there when she when lana del ray came out it condensed even further she paula told me that when she used to go to concerts she would come home at the end of that they bruised up i don't understand that at all these girls were throwing punches to like see this concert and I was like, what the fuck is it?

You gotta, you gotta talk to these people you gotta sit this girl down and talk to it. No, no, no, you can't go to these fucking concerts. I won't go. We already talking, like these concerts just never heard me. I don't know how you fall for this shit. Fucking Lana Del Wright.

Give it 10 bucks for the fucking CD. You're gonna go to Vegas to see Lana Del right. Get it together. But it was just, it was. Getting beat up by girls. What the fuck is going on in your world? It was. What do you do all week?

Do you hang out with fucking little fags or you hang out with flavor? How are you going to go to these things? Well, fuck it. It's a conventure. What is what? What is wrong with you in Vegas? What? Next time give the girl 50 bucks and send her on her own.

You're going to like a fucking mom or get beat up by girls. What is this shit? Well, next time I'm not going, but it's just... The fuck is madder with you. We talk all week here. Who thinks people are going to act like that? We talk all fucking week. What do you even go into these fucking disasters for?

Because it's your girlfriend what to do? Who gives a fuck? You give her $50. Go see Lana. Ray. You know one of her fucking songs? You don't know, not one of them. Why would you fucking go sit there? Like a fucking Momo. Oh, this song is

great. Yeah, it touches my... Who gives her fuck? Lana Del Rey. Next time you give her a yardstick and you send her solar. See if she'll fucking go then. She ain't going to go? No, she'll go with her friend next time. You let her go with a friend. You're going to put up with that shit, Lana Del Rey in Las Vegas. I can see Led Zeppelin killing yourself. Bad Company or somebody.

You know who's coming to the forum in Englewood? It's Fleetwood Mac. That's great. Go see that one, too. You've been down for that forum, neighborhood? Wait until you get stabbed in the fucking neck. That's where Paula lives. Good. Tell her to go to that one solo, too.

You go to the fucking forum? I thought, I thought fucking long-addle rape fans would be little girls, and it would be like a nice, peaceful concert. Like I said, do you know any of her songs? No. Not one of them. Why would you go to that fucking dis-assusk? Because that's what you do when you're dating somebody.

No, you don't. You give them a yardstick. If you said to how I'm going to go see these fucking Jews, she don't know who the fuck they are. She won't me? Listen, if it was some other fucking obscure band. Okay. You know what I'm saying?

Like some guy's shit. You're not going to take her with you. What's the matter with you, Lana Del Rey? You give her a yardstick. You give her a $50 coupon to eat at the buffet. That's what you do with girls. You can't just say. You can't say go alone.

You go with your girlfriends. You don't put yourself in that predicament. Well, next time I won't. No. What the fuck? And four hours away for this shit, a hotel room. No, but we stayed for the week. We had a good time.

Oh, I saw you eating spare ribs? Those are good. What was the name of the Chinese place? Noodles in Blahio. And we're just. stay at? Trump. And how was it?

Good. Was it packed Las Vegas? Not Thursday. Friday and Saturday. Yeah, like I said, and then Friday's even slower. Saturday's the big night in Vegas. Yeah. Friday, Fridays were a little bit, was a little bit busy.

Really? Was it busy? A little bit. Saturday was definitely busy. And what night was the show? Friday. Okay, so what did you do Saturday? We gamble. We do what I want to do.

And I ended up winning. So, that's fucking one. No, it's fun. They have a game called Blackjack Switch. where you have to play two hands, but you can switch cards around. That's how you win. That was fun.

I don't know. It was just, it was something like... You love to gamble. I love you. I love you. You're such a dirty, you're degenerate Jew.

I love it. It's in your blood. I don't know how to fuck. You get it like your face gets red. Oh yeah. I love it. I love it that. I would never get that from you.

Like I... Oh, I love it. And she got pissed off of me because I was up... Okay. I was up $2.95 when I left. I wanted to get that five extra bucks and I ended up losing 80 because I wanted to get that five extra dollars

but I still I still ended up like three or four hundred for the weekend so I was happy but that's what you have to do you have to go with someone who doesn't like gambling because they'll pull you from the table yeah a little self-control so you wanted to win the three even and you got the fucking who got to burger yeah but no I didn't lose everything

because she got pissed off she was like we're going now before you lose fucking everything what time to gamble too only two because we we took one of your flights. We took the $6.50 flight out of Vegas. It was already packed Las Vegas. The wine was already full in the morning. It was just about it. We got there like 5.30.

And if we had waited until 6, it would have been bad. But it was a fun weekend. It was, you know, when you travel with a person, that's when you can find out if you're actually going to be okay. And the concert, we didn't fight about the concert. We didn't fight about the gambling, really. it was a lot of fun we went to uh bobby flay if you ever go if you're ever in if you have a little bit of money to spend and you're in the uh caesar's palace mesa grill is one of my it's fucking delicious what do you eat that cut i had a rib eye it was fucking it was uh chapolet something it was like a little bit spicy

it was tremendous yeah it was fucking amazing how was grand rapids before you fucking yell at me about it all right so londa del right was it would have been fine but these like now i can see why you're writing that book for how to be a woman for mercy. Because I was, I was blown, I was blown. When they started pushing the tables over and he was, boom, boom,

and I looked back at me. And all that, that hour and a half waiting in line was wasted. Because everyone just started running. And the cops were like, what the fuck? How many people were at this place? Had to be a 500,

600, at least, if not a thousand. Mexican people. A few mostly white girls. From LA, like just... Yeah, probably. No, it's fucking craziness.

I've always had problems with concerts and smaller venues. Yeah. Concerts and big venues they have control of. It's a bigger venue. Yeah. But at smaller venues, it's always kind of fucked up. You never know. And they're fun.

If they're really fun, they're fun. Yeah. But if it goes sour in the beginning, people pushing and shit, it goes better. I've never went to a concert with people pushing. Like, once I got to that shit, I can't. I can't. I'm like you. I don't like you.

I don't like you. being touched and people being sweat on me. I would have minded you could sit down. Why don't they have seats of these things? I don't know. I don't like standing up either for fucking two hours. I like to sit down and you get up in the city. It doesn't mean like five hours.

And you got to stab him in the neck. It's a fucking night. Grand Rapids, let me tell you. I've always been a fan of Michigan. Always since day one. I don't know why. I had a friend Jim Wheeler who was crazy from Detroit, a white dude that I love with all my heart.

He was there for me when I got locked up. He taught me how to sell cars. And he used to have that shirt that said Detroit, the murder capital of the world. Really? He's always telling me about Detroit. That's why I want to have the opportunity to get paid the first time. And my friend Todd Jordan asked me,

what do you want to do comedy? I said, Joe, you know, Detroit. I always wanted to go to Detroit. And once I went to Detroit, I started exploring Michigan. You know, I would go to Grand Dan or I'd go to fucking, this one place to do it one-night. This is 13, 14, 15 years ago before anything. You know, I was just traveling around Michigan.

doing stand-up for John Yoda at these one-nighters that were fucking hell. But I really got to enjoy Michigan. Like there was something about the people, the girls. You know, people were very open-minded about weed and this and that. Oh, they've always been open-minded about it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. It's always been a great fucking city, you know. The decline of Detroit is one thing.

That's nothing that they can't control. But I'm talking about Michigan as a whole is a beautiful fucking state to drive through. I mean, seasons, you know, You go up, up, up, all the way up towards Canada, Mackinacnell Island. It's, I mean, Traverse City, it really is nice. So, you know, listen, for me to not go anywhere in Michigan is painful for me. I hope that this opens a door now that I could go to more places like Flint and Lansing and fucking. What is that like for, is it hard for comedian to get into, I guess the word is market.

Is it like hard to get into the state if you haven't been there? You know, every market is different. And every market has different people that you have to. go through okay and you know the market that market has a ton of comedian so it's very hard for him to bring people in you know he has no reason to bring people in there so many great comics in the Midwest that don't travel it just stay in the Midwest okay so when I got in I had to cancel last year because not of Brooklyn 9 9 something else I had to cancel for so I didn't want to cancel

grand rap you know when I got into Grand Rapids I had been there this is why did and I started thinking about it in 90s I went back to Detroit with a girl I used to date and I just called John Yoder one day out of the blue and I go look and I'm a comic from L.I. I'm a regular at the store. This is what I've done at the time I had done basketball or

maybe a pilot for CBS. I go, I'm not calling you the headline. I'm calling you for 25 minutes a night. He goes, I have an opening week, do it, doesn't pay much. And I did it and I did okay and I got hired to do gay pride. Oh wow. In Grand Rapids and I went back and they

gave me $1,500 and a line. a blow and it was fucking great. And I never went back to Michigan again, but I had a great time. I used to go, and towards the end, I would always be in either Saginaw, Travis City. Let me get one of those Watersley,

Saginaw, Traverse City. I would go to those places, Bay City to do comedy, stuff like that. So I had no idea what to expect a Dr. Grins this weekend. And what I expected was fucking pandemonium. When I tell you fucking pandemonium, I mean pandemonium.

I mean, that place was packed all five fucking shows. Crazy fucking people. You know, fucking Jew t-shirts everywhere. Fucking. I love it. You know, it was just really good to go there. Like, I was overwhelmed. If you ask some of the people that came Thursday night and maybe Friday,

and they thought my head was somewhere else, I was overwhelmed. Because I knew people were going to come, but I didn't know that many people were going to come. And it was just really cool. You know, people gave me edibles. They gave me edibles. for you. Oh, let's you. Some beautiful girl made me a plaque that said no momos.

My main man gave me a T-shirt for Mercy, Michigan State Spartan T-shirt for Mercy. It was just great. I had some salmon at that restaurant with regard and fucking mushrooms and red peppers. I ate the salmon every night. I ate the salmon every night. The hotel was great. I mean, it was just, listen, man, comedy for me now.

It's really wild how at shows. people always pull me over and they embarrass me because that's what you do when you say those things to me that the podcast is helping you by me admitting different fucking things you know the drugs the prison and all this shit let me tell you something this podcast is helping me as much as it helps a lot of people because it keeps me in check I have to be at my best around you fucking people I swear to God

I have to be at my best now I just can't be a regular comic I got to go the extra mile for these guys you know it's really hard to describe Like, when I used to get on stage before, I didn't know what I was going to do. Now, even if it's an old joke, I'd rather you people laugh than me take a gamble with you anymore. Like, that's to the point. And I throw new things in there. I'm constantly writing. But it's so weird how much I care for you guys, you know, how much I try to do the best that I can.

I try to leave it all out there for you. So as much as you guys are fucking helping me out or I'm helping you out in the way with the podcast and talking about mistakes and being wrong. and being wrong or whatever the fuck we talk about here it is what it is I'm sorry about last week also with the fucking ladies yelling

you know it was great radio as my man Timmy Holloway said but we don't deserve this shit we hide we got this office they knew what the fuck we're doing

so we're gonna and what happened last Monday to be honest with you was that I went away from my normal frame of mind I'm trying to do different things with the podcast I don't want to be that guy

that does the same shit every fucking week so I try to bring guests in here I try to have different type of people call in last week I made the podcast later which I didn't like at all Monday's podcast are always at 6 a.m.

I want to get up with you motherfuckers. I want to see what you're feeling. I want to be there with you from the fucking weekend. We all feel like shit on Monday morning. Who gives a fuck? There's no second place medals on Monday. You got to get the fuck up and do it. And that's why I do this shit.

Monday mornings at 6 a.m. And from now on Mondays we'll be Monday morning at 6 a.m. We're going to move to an office when we could smoke refa if we wanted. We could jump up and fucking down. like I can scratch my balls. I'm going to get a microphone. We're going to turn this into a morning

motherfucking show for you, motherfuckers, because you guys are putting all the effort in for us. We're going to do the same thing. And I'm going to touch on something really important because I fuck up. I fuck up, I like everybody else. I say stupid shit every fucking day. I was going to say from time to time.

Every fucking day I say stupid shit. And if you don't say stupid shit every fucking day, you're not going to get something good from time to time. About three years ago, I was doing a podcast with Joe. and we were talking about Twitter and Facebook and how I didn't want to be a part of it I'm like I don't want to be a part of that shit and they were talking to me and talking about

listen if you're fucking in jail well one of these idiots from Facebook or Twitter fucking bail you out what a fucking mistake I said by saying those words what a fucking mistake you know now we fast forward three years later and I got to tell you something guys

I don't believe in shit you got a fucking I'm from Missouri motherfuckers you got to show me you know I'm one of of those motherfuckers. You want to talk about Bigfoot, bring him to my fucking office, and then I'll talk to you. You want to talk about Martians? Bring him over here, and then we'll fucking talk. I'm the type of guy that if I talk to you about something, it's because I've experienced it, or I haven't experienced it, or whatever. But I'm not going to hear

the bullshit stories just to give something light. Something happened last week in the Facebook, Twitter community. As far as the church community, one of our friends, Lauren, you know, his last name doesn't matter. He's been with the church since day one. You know, he's been with, he was at me and Felicia. This guy's a good guy on Facebook. You know, post music, I say little things to him. He hits me back. Last, you know, I don't know what night.

I don't even know if I have the freedom to devalzes, but last week he lost his son. He lost a 16, a 15-year-old boy, and I can't imagine the pain. And he had sent me videos to look at Thursday or something, or Wednesday. And I wrote them back and I was going to look at the videos on the plane because that's guys I can't look at all the shit you send me when you send it to me A lot of times I have to look at shit when I have downtime. That's why I answer the emails on Sunday Because I have two hours. I can't answer them to you right away because it would fuck up my whole day So I try to position everything and chunks in my life

So I didn't look at the video so I was gonna fly before I could when I went to open the message for the video that he had linked on he wrote something that Joe it's okay it really doesn't matter now last night I found my 15 year old son dead or whatever his son

you know and at first I thought it was a joke you know I thought it was a joke I mean we all joke around and we fuck around but then I looked at it and I clicked on to his page and I knew that something was different about him you know something he was getting different messages and I got to

tell you something, I got busy in my own world and I put it away, you know, I put it away and I think I had to do a show or something. And then I came back that night. And I really started looking at it. I started reading the postings. And guys, it was like I knew this man because I broke into tears over the loss of his child. I broke into tears while I was on Facebook. I felt so bad. I felt so fucking bad. I understood his pain. You know, I really felt this kid's pain and I think that I ate my words when I said those words that day on the Rogan podcast we are a family here we know I got to tell you something guys I know you guys gonna think I'm crazy we're connected here in some way on this fucking show or on this internet because I felt what this

poor man was feeling through his child and what we're doing online right now with whatever even if it's a thousand of us I don't really give a fuck but just the people that are in We're in, man. We're on to something. We're on to something online. These are stupid fucking wires, man. These are stupid fucking wires. And I could feel his pain through those fucking wires on a fucking computer.

What does that tell you, man? We're doing something here. It's not the church. Don't tell me it's the church or it's this fucking Jew, gambling Jew. It's you guys. It's us. You know, we're on to something. And the church family, that's it.

We become a family. No more fame. I don't want to hear this shit no more, man. I don't want to hear this shit no more. I'm going to make new patches and new shirts. This is the church family because this is what we are. You guys have shown me something that I never had before in all my fucking life. Lauren, we all, our hearts go out to you for your child.

If there's something we can do for you, you know, please let me know on Facebook. And we're all get together. We'll put a go-fund me, whatever the fuck you need. You haven't asked for a dollar. You haven't asked for anything. You've been a man. But we're just here to tell you that we're here for you, man. Thank you.

We're sorry. It's a, I just want to let you know, because sometimes when you're in the middle of this, you don't see your friends. So I get messages sometimes for shoutouts to do the other thing. And I just, I say thank you, but it's not my place to do it. His friend Evan messaged me. Yes, yes. Because I was going to tell you, but you found out before.

So he was, he didn't ask me to mention him, but he was the one who told me about it. I don't know if he told you about it. Yes, he did too. It was, I really know. But I wasn't going to give him one. This is not about a fucking shout. out for long because the sun passed. I just want to know the lesson I learned from more this weekend. You know, little fucking music. Don't just fucking sit there, Cucksucker.

I learned a big message for a moment, so I thank you. I'm sorry it was took a death to make us realize it. Fuckedly, you Cocksuckuckers, where's these edible is at? That's it. Where's the Gumi Bez that, bitch? You thought I wasn't gonna open this, huh? You thought I forgot, Cucksucker. Yeah, it's Monday morning, bitch I don't think you ever forget about an animal I don't forget what's yours It's right here Well eat that fucking thing

It's over, that's it You always complain, you don't eat breakfast I didn't eat breakfast I'm opening it now And I'm not even gonna, I'm opening it now I got no credit Oh cool Green or red cream

That is two I'm not even two Give me a fucking break two That five milligrams of piece It's 20 million a whole thing This ain't gonna, like, do you? Ooh, it's good. Yeah.

Tremendous motherfuckers, Monday, April 14th. Wake up, you fucks. It's gonna be beautiful out there today. Anyway. It's your heart to if the puzzle fits. What fuck, we? Stop drinking water. God's a second.

It's a beautiful day to be alive. Stop drinking water. some water no it was yeah no that's uh what's I say

to you uh something yesterday you know in 1984 when I was home uh I went back to New York

for some reason because I'm an asshole I want to be with some girl or something and I went home and something happened in April that year on Palm Sunday that I forgot all about there was a massacre

in New York City they massaced a family A mother and nine kids, maybe a man or something, but they were all kids. They were all kids from five, I don't know what the ages were. It was one of the most horrible things I ever seen in the newspaper. They showed the funeral. Okay. On Easter Sunday, they showed the inside of the Daily News was a picture of the funeral parlour.

It was just caskets. It was like a small war. Yeah. And at the time, they had blamed on the Colombians, that the family had owned Colombians some money or some shit. like that. But, you know, life went on, I forgot all about it. And yesterday morning I get up in Grand Rapids and I'm looking at the computer the morning, I'm drinking coffee. And there's an article about the 30th anniversary of this massacre, how in all the blood and all the kids and all the

parents that were there, they found a baby that was 13 months old that was walking around the blood. Oh, geez. And they picked the cop, put that baby up, picked the baby up, took it to the station, She had to give her up to some emergency family that night. And then she followed that child all along to, you know, to check down the child. A fucking great story. I never knew this, you know, and it just shows you that I was very lucky, and this girl was very lucky, you know, and this cop kept touching base with her, touching the tip and chip based on, when her grandmother died, the cop adopted her.

Oh, what? And now the girl's 31 years old, and this cop and her husband adopted her. And what happened through her life, all the changes she went through, how she wanted to, find out where her mother was. A mother was 20 when she got killed, you know. But in the pictures, they said that the mother died with a spoon in her hand and like baby food or some shit, you know, so she always wanted to investigate who was she going to feed, you know, was that little baby, you know, it was 13 months old.

Fucking, if you could find it's in the New York Times yesterday, 30-year anniversary of the Palm Sunday mask, it's fucking touching, you know, I mean, who the fuck would have known there would have been a silver lining to 10 people dying, you know? 10 people dying. There's no silver lining. But it really, it goes to show you that there always is a silver lining, man. You always...

You think so? Because, I mean, I... So this is the question I had. Because they've been... It's been a year since the Boston one. And they keep playing videos about it. And I'm like, I mean, I guess there has to be, right? You overcome through pain.

But for stuff like that, like, sometimes they get negative about it. Like, I'm thinking, like, why are they? trying to like why like why do they need to run a newspaper article about it like well it's the year uh-huh the year and then number two they're doing the show have you seen the show it's very interesting what show it's on discovery how they caught the kids and the detective getting interviewed i saw it a couple weeks ago i think now they're making a series of it on discovery or nat geo one of those okay and what they show was from the beginning what happened the bomb went off how they took the kid they knew they were working against the clock how they they took the cameras and they looked at

people who didn't react to the explosion. And they saw that after he dropped, he went down, he didn't react to the explosion, so they narrowed down to him. It's very interesting. Listen, man, right now, a year later, you're not going to hear a silver lining story. Maybe you are.

I don't know. I don't know. You know, maybe a guy picked a woman up and, you know, she got a hand blown off. He took it to the hospital. End up falling in love and having children. You know, we don't know. We don't know if there's a silver lining to this.

But I'll tell you what, look, when my mother died, you know, I got to find out the gift of friendship. You know, the people who took me in them were great to me. When I went to prison, I got to find out about the gift of fucking county. You know, when I kidnapped Kent Vela that day, that morning, I got to find out what I wanted to do with my life, what I could do and what I didn't want to do with my life. You know, there's always something, Lee. You know, today, if you go home right now and so, God forbid, something happens, and you call me and go. Joe, I got to go back to Boston. I'll call you when I come back.

And a year from now, you call me and you go, Joe, I didn't have the strength or whatever. This is what I learned out of this bad position I was in. There's always a silver lining. You're not going to see it that moment. You're not going to see it when you're sitting there at the wake. You're not going to see it when you're sitting at the hospital. You're not going to see it when you're laying in the hospital.

But you have to believe. What I believe, man, you have nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. I had nothing But I always knew that if I could make it one more fucking day If I go to sleep tomorrow man

Tomorrow I might get the fucking job of my dreams tomorrow I might hit the lottery tomorrow I might find a woman It's so much belief you know people Base this shit on everything It's just believing in your heart It's hard to do that sometimes too Like especially day to day Like you're saying 30 years later

I can't imagine what that girl When she was like You know exactly what she was going to. I know exactly when she was eight. I know exactly what she was going to. And they didn't want to tell her. Oh, they didn't tell that she heard that she was proud of that? No, I forget.

You have to read the article. They told her that they told her something else. Then she found out and then she investigated it because, you know, as a natural, you want to know what your mother died of and your dad. Yeah, of course. What happened? So what's the matter of you? You're choking up or whatever?

We haven't even eaten the whole thing. I'm already feeling it, but it's all right. I'm good. You got to eat another one. It's only five milligrams. Nothing's wrong. No, no, no, no. but I think it's interesting because it's a

it's always it's a what's the, I don't know what the term is, but it's when you're going through something, it seems like it's, it seems like nothing good and it seems like it's day to day. But even looking back a year ago, or six months, you do see, you do see movement through it. But it's, uh, I guess now

it's hard to not be cynical about, about a lot of things. So I guess it's, it's good to find the, the good things that happen. You have to. You have to. You have to, because if you sit there look at the negative, you'll die in fucking sorrow. You'll die. You'll fucking die.

It just makes no sense to you. I'm telling you, I could sit here. The book I'm writing right now about the biography is about the bad things that happen to me or the bad things that I created that happened to me that I was part of creating. I'm not going to sit here. Bad things happened to me.

No. And what the lesson was I learned from them. Okay. You know, I went to blows with my uncle who was on the podcast. That uncle, 30 fucking years ago, you know, in 1984, I went to blows on him on fucking Vermont Avenue. The uncle that was sitting in that fucking chair four weeks ago, you know, we cursed at each other. We were going to fucking kill each other.

I remember being in prison and prank calling them and telling them in Spanish, I'm going to fucking kill you. De Way, am I d'Ali, who a putta. I was fucking livid at him. But that day, he gave me a message. You know, he told me that the world didn't know me shit. I didn't want to hear it at that age. Finally, when I was in a cell, four years later, I understood what the fuck he was talking about.

Oh, okay. I understood what the fuck he was talking about, you know. Some of you guys watch or listen to this show and you think that fucking Joey's an asshole or whatever, or you are young enough, you have parents, you have moms and dads, you have a father who's went to college, who's educated, and you don't give a fuck who comes out of his words. you'll listen to a guy like me

before you listen to your educated dad who came from a decent family and whatever it's really weird that the people that we pay attention to in our lives you know what I'm saying yeah our parents are our heroes but sometimes they're fucking funny dutties you know why won't you let me go to the cons in Vegas you know my friends are going

they're telling you you're going to go and you get an elbow with chicks you don't want to go there you're going to waste your time give the chick 50 bucks stay at home snort some coke and get some chick to come over and lick your asshole and get the same fucking result but it's just amazing how people you know I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about this fucking edible already

I don't know I saw the smoking vapors this morning I knew you were because you were looking at that and the cameras pointed at me you're looking at the camera and it's not even there I don't even fucking know what I'm looking at me I don't even know what the fuck the cameras are in this room this thing's turned around and satellites and shit I got fucking Kleenez were looking at me

I got a lot of people bothering me but it's just amazing the things that will pay attention to and the people that will pay attention to the people I would listen to. Yeah. That's the point of this fucking story. And it's hard because a lot of times you don't want to listen to the people. No. What happens to your parents?

Yeah, who the fuck wants to? You don't know nothing. You don't know nothing. And all of a sudden you see yourself in that position. Listen, man, if I were to listen to 40% of the advice I was given from the age of 20 and 30, I wouldn't be on a podcast sitting across from a chubby Jew at six in the fucking morning. You understand me? I'd be at home right now getting my fucking feet manicured by 380.

Asian chicks. Each foot, three Asian chicks. Each foot, like one holding it, one polishing, the other one going, just blowing the dust off my toenails. You understand me? If I would have listened, but I didn't listen. I had all the fucking answers. You know, I had all the answers. So now I'm a comic that carries his fucking luggage every weekend. You follow me? I could have had my own boat, my own fucking island by now. I've been living like Marlon Brando, but no, we all think we're fucking smart and our predecessors. And we're really fucking not. But if we take a little bit of advice that they have to offer us, you know, three or four people, we could probably fucking make it happen.

Now, did you realize, when did you realize, like with your uncle when he said the world doesn't all you anything, when did you realize that he said that and that was an important lesson? Four years later, when I was sitting in a fucking jail cell. Like, towards the end of my sentence, when I realized, when I got my reports and I, and I understood my fate, I understood where he was coming from. I understood where Juan, my stepfather, was coming from. when he said, don't do this, don't do that, stay on top of that. You don't learn nothing to you're in that position.

Yeah. You know, to you're in the hospital, to you got stitches in your fucking head, to you got stitches in your mouth, or you got handcuffs on. You never listen to advice. Why would you? You got all the fucking answers. No, you're not the kiss of death. No, that would never be you.

Everybody else is fucking wrong. And it sucks when you realize they were right. It sucks. Right at the beginning when you're like, fuck. And it always happens with my mom for me Because she always tells me things I'm like mom what are you talking about that's not right And then a few years later I'm like god damn it

And I have to call her What happened when you fuck My mom did some Paul said something to me recently It went back to what my mom had always told me And I was like I have to call my mom and tell her And I'm like god damn it But it always helps

But do you have someone like that Where like they tell you something You're like god damn it they were right You don't It's not the advice that people tell us It's the advice that we give ourselves sometimes Because sometimes we have the answers Number one, we always have the answers

Oh yeah We just don't want to fucking hear them sometimes So sometimes think like last week When that went down with Felipe in here I knew it I knew it I fucking knew it I came back to me

This is what I get For not sticking to my fucking plan This is what you get For not sticking to what you've been doing All you're fucking all the way Why would I do a Monday lunchtime podcast? Why would I do something like that? I've been doing it at 6 in the morning,

getting myself fucking fired up, ready to stab a motherfucker every morning, and no, I decide to do a lunchtime podcast to come in here like some fucking David Letterman, sidekick, you know, talking some stupid fucking questions at lunchtime. No, I like coming in here early and yelling and screaming

and getting my day fucking going and getting the spirit's momentum and the juice is gone. Because that's what fucking Mondays are about. It's not about getting up a tan. Fuck that shit It's about getting up at 5 and going You know what?

What happened last week Ain't gonna motherfucking happen this week Yeah This is gonna be a way better fucking week I'm gonna sharpen my dick I'm gonna scrub my balls I'm gonna put the other and out I'm gonna go out there and stab

Motherfucking 15 times in the neck And that's what happens I want you to be better Than the last fucking Monday Every Monday That's what I strive to be Yeah My goal is every Monday

To be better than I was last fucking week That's why I used to go the way Once is on Sunday So Monday I'd be fucking ready Lee you didn't eat the other fucking gul me yet I'm already feeling this one. No, but it's five milligrams. One more.

Let's do one more. Yes, it is. One more. One more. I just, I didn't, get one more. Are you disappointed you didn't get the call for Letterman? Oh, yeah, I was sad at home. Let's do one more.

Out of respect. It's one day. Let's do it for your IRS. One more. Come on, dude. I already ate the whole fucking bag. Good. I'm glad you did.

You ate one. Eat two. 10 milligrams. I'm asking you to eat. 10. 10 fucking milligrams. Can I eat half of the other? No.

One, one, one whole one. It's five milligrams of fucking thing. This is what-months milligrams. This is what girls eat. Cut it out. Come on, cock-sucker. The body of Christ compels you. And give you the Christmas pack, too, a red and a green one.

That's good. It's Christmas. Every fucking day of your life. You want a purple one? No. I'll trade your purple one for a red one. These have to be 20 milligrams. No, they're not.

Eat the fucking soul. It's crying. The body of Christ compels you. What the fuck? You got my man calm up when you're fucking worried about it. It's fine milligram. Come eat the fucking thing cock sucker What it's all about

You got sugar in there to kick up your diabetes You know what I'm saying? I'm saying your sugar It was sitting your sugar right through a fucking top Who's better than you? Who's better than you? Tell me right now. Answer me Who's better than fucking Lisa yet? No one. Oh God. No buy them Oh, thank you guys. I'm for Grand Rapids I saw the they made a little vine video for me

I thought that was God they missed Julie Black Dog Labs These actually tastes pretty good They're good They're fucking really good man Cut it out You think I would fucking have

They're 5 milligrams a piece No you're never an asshole But it's just A lot of fucking animals What a lot of edibles What you ate in fucking Tempe Was a lot of edibles

Trust me People love seeing you sweating Oh of course And I'm still getting tweets That you were sensational in Tempe I'm getting fucking hit from people Saying Lee Was tremendous in Texas

He was sweating his face was red. Oh, God, yeah. He kept saying, oh, my God, oh, my God, like somebody was fucking in the fucking cullo. You know what I'm saying? Well, thank God he didn't go to Tempe this week. Because I won't have to drop through Coachella. Can I at least get some credit for not going jumping up and down

and going to Coachella? I went to Vegas. I went to one concert. At least I'm going to two weekends of fucking jumping up and down. I deserve a little bit of credit. You get fucking OGATs. Cocks sucker going to some girl concert

You should have duped her a yard Let her go to the concert And you could have gone to play blackjack By yourself That's what a smart operator I can't leave her old I can't leave her own She's a grown fucking woman

I know They like that shit You're gonna go to some fucking Half a fat concert sitting She's playing the piano Barefoot her What the fuck she does You gotta sit there

Make believe you're having a good time Oh this is great This ain't fucking great Would you tell me that you Would you would much rather be playing Blackjack I'd always rather Be playing with my dad

Now who the fuck is stop lying These people at home This what the show's about Fucking honesty You're gonna sit there Oh this is great You know who I'd love to have a call on I don't know if it's a psychologist

Or whatever it is But as soon as I start gambling Even when I was there I'm like all right I'm gonna go back this weekend And I'm gonna go back and make more money It's a fucking It's a weird thing Seeing the degenerates in Vegas

Well just When you see the The jammas do you get scared? Tell me the truth. I get scared when I see certain... The denizens I get scared but we were there and we walked in the Bellagio and this guy must have had 20,000 in chips.

He must have got one of those markers and my my dick got hard. I was like he was playing 500 a hand and I looked at her. So you know what 20,000 looks like in chips? It was, it was... I don't know I'm just like... But it was like... It was like... I'm not here to fuck with you.

No, no, no. I don't know what 20,000 looks like. Are they like 10,000. I know there's like $1,000. It could have been more. It could have been more. It probably was more. I think it was $100 chips. But he had a stack in front of him. Like four or five, six columns up.

And I was just looking at it like, what the fuck? Was he playing blackjack? Yeah. Blachers. Polka. And he just was, oh, I just looked at Paul and she pulled me away. Because there was a 500 minimum hand table. It's like, what the f.

What's the highest minimum of you ever? sat down to play. I've played at the $50 table. When I made a mistake, a couple times I went to go, I played $300 a hand just because what happens is you try to win money back and you start playing stupid.

That's not how you're going to win money. So I did that a couple times and then that's when I drove back the same night and I was pissed off. I lost $800 bucks. But fucking, and thank God I don't live there because I would be fucking,

I don't know how people go to college at UNLV. It's fucking, There's something in me that this. And my grandfather loved it. My grandfather went to the track every day. It's something in me that just pulls me towards it. You get mad while you're losing money at all, at yourself? Not while I'm playing, but I start playing stupidly.

Do you have a good time? Oh, I love it. And I love it. I have a rule. It's not racist. It's a rule that I learn from someone else. You don't play with lady Asian dealers for whatever reason it always mean. At this one table I was at this weekend, it was just a, I like,

it's very social. I'm not a very social person, but the deal and I were talking, you always talk to someone sitting there, it's a great fucking time we have a drink. It's always, it's a lot of fun,

and especially when you're winning, you're high-fiving people, you're knocking on the table when you want to get a blackjack. It's a lot of fucking fun. You just play blackjack or do you poker else? I have to learn poker. I have to learn poker.

Okay, now these casinos downtown LA that are used to go to poker toys. Yeah. They don't play blackjack there. They do a little bit, but you have to... I don't know. I'm asking you. No, no.

I lost money there. But they have bad. They have the machines that shuffle for you and that's bad. And then at some of them you have to pay a dollar each hand you want to play. What stops you from going to those things on a daily basis? Like when we leave here, what stops you from going on? There's no one. I'm going to lose that.

I went to Commerce Casino a couple times and it's just, it's nothing like Vegas. It's like a big warehouse of sadness. And it's just, I like being, I like the big, I like the big buildings. and it's happy and I like dealers who are nice at places like that the dealers yell at you and it's just uh I would love to learn poker but it would also probably be the downfall of me I I scratch an itch when I go every six months to Vegas if I went every day I wouldn't come here let me ask you this I'd sell this computer just to talk about dreams and hopes yeah would you consider learning to be a dealer uh maybe but I don't want to be around that every day okay just I'm just got questions

for you. It would, but there's so, some of them are so good. There's a guy on, speaking of friends on Facebook and Twitter, there's a guy, Tokinglar, who's a good guy, who's one of the security guys. Right. And he told me what, he said that some of the bigger casinos, some of the deals make $100 grand a year. Just because they have to be, they have to be so fast

and so good at it, and they have to be able to count, and have to be sociable and bring people in. It's, it's amazing when you really think about it, all the stuff that goes into it. But you're, you're never going to be Vegas. How come I'm

not a gambler, Lee? A guy like me doesn't lose his mind every week because I have all the makings of being a gambler. My mother was a degenerate gambler. I grew up in that environment. I cannot tell you that I don't love it. I cannot tell you that I don't love sports.

I'm 50 fucking one years old. I can't sit there and watch three games on a Sunday. And when I was 20, I couldn't sit there and watch three games on a Sunday. Not because I hated football, but because I felt guilty. I need to make money. I need to do something with my life. I'm sitting there watching three fucking games and then take a shower and go to a bar to watch a Sunday night game or the Monday night game, really? Is that what

my life is all about? Maybe you hate losing money more than you want to gamble. Because for me, I hate losing money, but I, luckily for me, I never got into any sort of drugs. I'm not an alcohol. I don't drink. So maybe addictions kind of lead towards other things. Maybe the thing you have a drugs was your addiction and that took you away from gambling? Well, it's funny because my whole thing was I paid a bookie on Thursdays a couple times. And did I like it? No, because I would have to rob because I don't like when people don't pay me.

So I always believe in paying people. So I would not let myself have to call you and say, hey, Lee, I don't have your fucking money. So I would rob. And I enjoyed robbing. You know, I enjoyed that part. I'm not going to sit here and lie to you people and say it was a gun to my head.

I enjoyed doing the stupid shit I was doing at 1819 And this was one that really affected me At that age when it affected me In 83 When I moved with a friend of mine called Fernie Basulto His brother's on Facebook now

Freni was my friend I loved Fernie dearly One of the pains in my soul today The three guys I was closest with growing up They're not around in my life anymore I don't really have them I don't know. Roger, Glenn, and Fernie are doing their own thing.

And, you know, part of them doesn't like talking to me. Whatever, Roger does. Roger does. Timmy does. Who I gave a shout out, Timmy Holloway. And it's so weird that I was going to say to you. I was involved with the gambling with them. You know, Glenn, my friend Glenn was a degenerate also.

Fernie never gambled in his life. He came to me one day. He said he wanted to put a bed in. What are you guys always talking about five times and ten times? He ended up putting 100 times. parlay in and won. Holy shit. 100 time. First bet ever,

put a hundred time parlay in one. What happens to a guy like that? He gets sucked in. Oh, yeah. He went right down to the bookmaker's house and picked up 1,200 bucks. We went to a restaurant called Picolissimo.

We ordered to lobster-fried Diablo. This is how fucking craziest kid was. You know what a finger bowl is? Where you wash your fingers and when the seafood come? Okay. He drank the water out of the fingerprint bowl. He had never been to a restaurant

that nice before in his life. Just giving you an example of where his head was at from fucking that day in October to Super Bowl Sunday in 83, which it was, 82, 83, he didn't stop. He gambled every week, and he was up

50, 60 grand. You always win the first time. Yeah, but he always, he was winning the whole season. Oh, wow. He was betting basketball winning, and then came January, the Super Bowl, and he ended up losing the 60 he made, plus 20,000 to his friends. And then for

a month, he just bet 40-time parlays three times a night to bet basketball and if you want to catch up on sports basketball is not the fucking way to do it every day it buries you you know remember the prime gambling spots in this country are september to fucking february first once that suit blows over 60% of the gambling has done in this country for sports is done because you have college football pro football college basketball starting up you catch the beginning of it it's still green in in december so you can make make some money. You got pro basketball starts in November. You have so many different sports

that are playing. You have college on Thursday nights and Saturday, all day Saturday. You got pro now on Thursdays. Sunday morning, Sunday night, Monday fucking night. They give you all these avenues to fucking gamble, you know, and that's what I've always said, that Thursdays is like putting the one fucking needle in Jesus. The nail in Jesus. Friday is the other nail in his hand. Saturday, those college games are nailing your feet. Sunday is the thorn in your fucking head and Monday night footballs and they stick that spear in your fucking heart.

It's the 12 stations of Las Vegas. You know what I'm saying? They don't fuck around Las Vegas. That's why it scares me because you're a very nice guy that when you go to Las Vegas. It scares me. I know that you have...

I have some rules. I go to the ATM when I'm here and I never go to ATM there. No. On top of that, they might steer your fucking number. Remember, always in Vegas. At least you've got to go into your... personal stuff the better I got nothing against Vegas it's the people it's what the

thing is made of I have that rule I have I don't carry all my cash with me like I'll bring a little bit of it to the casino because I don't want to get robbed and I'm like Paula when you whenever you go to the cash here Paula just walk away and I say don't walk like I always move to the side I was I don't walk around counting my money I'm very careful I don't play games I don't understand like I try I was gonna play crap so I just don't understand it so I have rules like that just I'm there's nothing there's no better feeling for me than winning the money but it's just when when you lose that sadness

when I went when I went and came back the same night after losing 800 bucks well you said that oh that that drive home is a depressing drive home and I didn't even stay the night in the hotel I uh I was staying at the I was trying to make money so I stayed at the quad and they give you a $25 credit for food so I lost all my money but as I was walking back from the home from the casino I took all my the loyalty cards they give you and I threw them out on the street I threw them out in a trash can I took the 25 dollar food credit and I got I think I just went to the to the only open restaurant and I was like give me this I just got all the way up to 25

I went upstairs I hadn't even unpacked my bag in the in the room I went I got my bag and I took the disgusting pizza and I just drove back home it was it's uh it's a it's a it's a it's a a terrible thing when you lose and I think that the little bit of losing that I've had that's have happened to me is what's keeping me from going other casinos because I would love it there's nothing there's nothing who wouldn't love to be living in Vegas

going to casinos but you see them every once in a while especially in the sports book especially watching the horses I sat next to a guy watching the horses who was hammered out of his mind but he was picking every race and he's picking it right but it's just

maybe when he went Maybe when he actually bets, he loses. But when he's picking it beforehand, he wins every time. I don't know. It's just... And I've got to tell you something. And I'll tell you this right now. Some of the best times I've had have been at a horse track.

Oh, yeah. I love the track. But I go to the track with $40. Yeah. And once I lose the $40, it's over. And that $40 has to get me an iced tea. A hot dog, you know, some entertainment when I'm there. For me, there's nothing better than smoking a number and going to Santa

and eating some son. Yeah. You get from clam chada, whatever. When I was a kid, I'd go to the metal an inch just to get the clam chada. If I got a bowl of clam chowder, that means I won. For me, I fucking won, you know, so. Well, isn't everything kind of, I mean, I don't want to say it's the same for drugs, but maybe it is.

Maybe if you could, let me ask you, if you could have kept your cocaine habit to $20 night, Friday and Saturday, would that have been okay for the rest of your life? Just doing it, just doing a little bit, just to. No, because that. But that's what I'm saying. For gambling, if you can just do a little bit, just bring $40 to the track once every few months just to have fun and be outside with your wife. That's better than the people who are going to the ATM or doing the title loans on their cars. I feel like that's when you start losing it.

So I just don't know. Maybe drugs is just always bad. Well, for me it was this. This was my philosophy at the time. I was doing drugs and I was gambling. So my fucking big thing was, okay, if I'm going to give somebody, money every Thursday, not get dick. Not get dick. You hand this guy

in him over him, but he's like, rough week, huh? Yeah. All right, see you next week. No, I'll see, you know. That's all you get from your bookmaker. If I'm going to do that, I might as well get coke. Try to get my dick sucked and try to look out windows all night, because that's what happens. You look out window, you get paranoid. Yeah. That's, one of you want to eat another one? No, these are fucking

strong as shit. They ain't fucking strong, cuck sucker. They're good, though. They're good, though. They're delicious. They did a great job. This is given to me by fucking friends in Grand Rapids It's called Black Dog Edibles Yeah they gave me

They gave me a couple I ate them the first night Some other couple made edibles Like made cookies that were delicious Yeah I brought a bunch of those Gumi Semano Speaking with How good of the time

Do we have Tuesday night? That was fun Did you tell these motherfuckers No Tuesday night? We went to Ari's This is not happening show And I did That's what we're talking about

Role models last week And you know what? If I answered 70 fucking emails last night, 30 of them were about role models. Really? Everybody was confused. Everybody said the same thing. Everybody was like, wow. I had athletes, you know, athletes, but I realized it was a great time.

The gumies and minos came. Those guys don't fuck around that. Those motherfuckers. They were so fucking high. And they drove down from fucking wherever they live up north doing the fucking dabs in the couple. He said he bought a piece specifically because. it fits in the cup holder. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about?

Listen, guys, let me tell you something. A lot of people watch, because of this California thing with the weed, a bunch of fucking fakes popped up. Thousands of fakes, they walk around with their eyes like this, like their Jesus, and man, them are cool hyin. They ain't shit. They don't even smoke good

fucking weed. I know half of them, they take two hits of garbage weed, and it's just to impress you fucking morons. Shame on you for being impressed. But then, you get motherfuckers that come along that Rifa is in their fucking nutsack. You understand me? Like, it's who they are.

You know, and I have friends like that, like Edwin San Juan, Rifa is in his fucking nutsack. He travels with a pipe that would kill most fucking people. He used to travel with a quarter pound, Edwin. He used to meet Ralphie. Ralphie Mae. Those motherfuckers smoke some dope, okay? You know who gets

fucking wasted every time? I just found an old Mad Flavors world on an email that you had sent me to look at before you put it up. And it was the one with them in San Jose. Oh, yeah. It was just, I saw Lee 2010.

I'm like, what the fuck is this? 2011. And I looked at the video and it was one that you had put together of them. And I don't know if you remember. I go, look at these guys and they went in their pocket and they had a torch. Oh, yeah. If you remember that, that was two fucking years ago. They used to show up at the San Jose improv with a fucking torch and banana bread and cookies

and fucking bags of dope. and it's just mind-boggling. So they show up Thursday. Tuesday night. I go, Lee, when we drive down, it's fucking hysteric because Lee calls me, he did the Josh Wolf podcast. He goes, I would pick you up after that. And I told him right there's no picking me up.

You're barking the car. I'm driving you because they're bringing a special goomy for you. Oh, God. We went over the Lower Canyon, we went down there. The storyteller show was great. It was packed. It was tons of people. My agent was there.

Darren Carter was there. You know, just a crowd. Greg from Chandra Keys' office Was that his name? I think so and Brett Ernst was there. Brett Ernst was there. I mean, we laughed our asses off.

And then we went outside. And I told my wife, we'll be home by 11. We got home like a 1.30 or something like that. It was fucking... Well, you gave me a fucking head of the gummy. And you think... Okay, so these guys are...

They make gummies. And they have a couple people... You think maybe they have a set up? These guys were walking around with a shopping bag that couldn't have been... more full of gummies and they were handing it out like there were Santa Claus

just and they were heading you I don't think you could even hold the amount that they gave you and fuck and then after that they were like so you wanted to do a dab after that head went across the street and started doing dabs right in the fucking street and I did a dab I gotta be honest

it shut my fucking lungs down yeah it just shut them down it was like having asthma I couldn't fucking breathe did you see me stand there probably have a fucking heart attack I'm like I'm gonna I'm gonna have a heart attack. And I was like, that's it. I can't smoke this shit no more.

And I'll tell you what, I'm going on two months on fucking Thursday without smoking a joint. Do you believe that? It was doing a bomb hit. No physical refron on fucking Thursday. Just vapors and that one fucking dab. You believe that, Lee? Well, vapors.

Dab's kind of like a vapor, I think. So isn't it? So do you think you're just going to keep going and fucking? I'm going to go till May 17th. I'm going to do the 90 days because I'm doing that thing for Doug. Okay. And I'll see that how I feel. I mean, I'm having a great time eating edibles.

Yeah. I've got it down to the edibles. I'm not eating edibles that are fucking really fattening. I'm not eating cookies. I'm not eating big banana bread no more. I'm not even eating the chocolate bars anymore. Yeah, I haven't seen you with that. No, nothing.

I've been doing tiny, you know, the Cheeba Chewes are 35 calories. That's a half a fucking point. Weight Watch is one point is equal to 60 calories. Yeah, 60 calories is one point. A Cheever chew. The Decker is 30. 35 fucking points. Yeah.

That don't do nothing. That don't do dick to you. All those things that they make at 35 points. You know, they make diabetic stuff, and they make shit with sugar and it to kill you. That's why people go to me. We have, you know, ice cream with THC. That's great, but I got to eat that whole gallon of ice cream to get high.

I don't have that fucking type of time. Yeah. I just want to pop some. And the other bars, those chocolate bars are delicious. Yeah. But it's a fucking chocolate bar, bro. I don't need a fucking chocolate bar. I just don't need it.

I work hard, you know? So. that's it I've been living on just vapors and the edibles how fucking crazy is that guy

especially after the amount of weed that you had at my last place how much weed was in that fucking no sad you know guys and it's cute

and we have a great time and we giggle but come on guys fucking two joints during the podcast on a joint from 430 to 6

but when I leave the house I'd smoke three pipefuls I wasn't rolling joints at the house. I was smoking pipes. I would fill the pipe three fucking times. I'm not smoking some fucking Susquehanna wheat. I'm smoking the shit that killed bunches pilot. And fucking, you know, then I'm rolling two joints,

and then I'm going home after the podcast and smoking another two joints. Then I'm smoking again in the afternoon. Then who don't I bump into? And then at night it's a fucking smoke at all in that room. It had to end. It had to end somewhere, you know? Yeah. Oh, fuck.

Oh, did you... Some guys tweeted me. that they were bringing you hummus? Do they make you hummus in Grand Rapids? No, Luke, Luke said, nah, no, no, no, no, I told him, Luke, you bring me hummus, I get you thrown out. Don't fucking bring me no hummus, cock sucking.

I don't know why they, why, I don't like that shit. I don't like it at all. I don't even want it around me. That's why they do it. It's disgust off. No, it would piss me off. It gets me angry.

I wouldn't bring something around you if you didn't like it. Don't bring it around me. No. But you like that stuff? It's not like hummus. How much hummus? Did you eat any hummus in Vegas? In Vegas?

No. No, you're a big shot. Fuck hummus. That's during the week all along. In Vegas, you're like, fuck the Iranians. No hummus. No hummus. Fuck. Ooh. Is it strong? I feel it's nice. I'm going to eat another one, too.

No, leave me along. You only ate two. That's 10 milligrams. The whole bag is 20. I don't think so. The whole fucking bag is 20. It says it around the thing. Look at it. The whole thing. We're going to eat another one. What the fuck? Total product, cherry can a cube.

Black dog. T. See, 19.8-8590. Praise one, right? No, for fucking... I don't know. I'm already feeling. There's no one. What?

Feel it. That's five. Get another one. Let's go. You got a red one. Let's eat a green one. Let's make it Christmas. Let's go.

I already had it run in the green one. So, let's have it with another purple one. I'm all right? No, thank you. And I'll eat a red one. Lee, you can have a right on them. Lee, do it for Jerusalem. What was the last time he did something for Jerusalem?

Never. Where's the fucking Jew flag that was supposed to be on the wall? It's at my house. What the fuck? We're supposed to bring the Jew flag. We're moving out. We're moving out because you don't have to do you flag. If you were to throw the Jew flag, they wouldn't have to jail anymore.

If they were to saw the flag of Israel, everybody. Black people, everybody's scared of the flag of Israel. You've got to get it together. You're slipping. Let me give some shoutouts real quick. My main man, Ryan Zick. Timmy Holloway, I love you. Landon Bench.

George Landry and my man, Tommy Ray. Water boxer, Cleo. My main man, Lorne Rosencour, I love you guys from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for listening. I want to give a shout out to my people. Onet, as usual, I had to take two flights to Grand Rapids and two flights back. I brought the turnaround on fucking 80s. Tremendous.

When I get off the plane, tremendous. It's got all the good stuff from Onet, from Alpha Brain to Minerals to Vitemes to B12, so you don't get no fucking jet lag. And I'm on those. Go to Onet.com, man. Listen, Anit's there for anything that you're lack. Whether it's your immune system with Shroom Tech, you want more oxygen when you work out with Shroom Tech sport, something's wrong with your bones. They got the Buffalo, the Josh take the Buffalo meat?

Yeah. Okay, the Buffalo protein strips. I mean, Onet has so much to offer. All right, you don't have money. It's tax season. You don't want to buy nothing, you're broke. I get it. Just go to Onet.com.

Go and see what they have available to you. They have an Onet program that you could order stuff and it gets right to your door on the first or every month. You save 10% a month. plus the 10% of you use my fucking coupon on joey deers.net. What's the code? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H.

That's the one for the other, right? So right there you have it. Let me talk to you about something else that's really important. And what am I talking about is Hulu Plus. If I sat here and told you that I sit home every night and watch Hulu Plus, I'm lying to you. But you know who does watch Hulu Plus? My fucking wife, okay? And every time I come home, she tells me about, you know Hulu Plus has kids shows on there, too?

they have so much shit on there I didn't know I knew modern family was on there and the daily show and all that shit but they got Nashville they got fucking lost

they got Doctor Who you know you can watch this on your smartphone she watches on Roku I guess that's what she does I don't know fucking Roku Xbox PlayStation pretty much any streaming fucking device all right

it's $799 a month if you go to the web page they're gonna give you fucking one week for free because you're hanging out with the church and all of us motherfuckers You know, lead a Jew,

bam! You get two weeks for free and $799 a month. That's $96 a year to fucking watch anything you want to. And you can fucking binge watch TV, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is on there. There's so many fucking things. They have so many different goddamn genres. From New Girl to Once Upon a Time, the family guy. I mean, I go on for fucking ever.

They got kid shows. They got reality, Shark Tank, Mob Wise, Action and Adventure, Marvel, agents of shield. They even got sports. WWE Monday. I mean, cut the shit, motherfuckers. Thank you for reminding me. Shark Tank was on twice last week. Oh, I'm going to go home and right after. That's right. Don't fuck around. Go to Huluplus.com. Go to Joey Dears.

Go to the Hulu Plus and press. Joey. Joey. Get two weeks for free. On the fucking arm. Binge everything. Nashville singing songs. Fucking Shark Tank, reality. Then it's $7.99 a month after that $96 a year. I ain't fucking around with you people. You know, I don't have time to people. I give you the best deal

of the busy man. How many times have you talked to Ari who's Jewish? But I always know where they get the best lunch specials. That's what I do. I'm trying to get you the best fucking deals. Again, you're a man. You're a woman. You got to go to some pharmacy every month or some outlet place and stand online and get razors. Your

razors get rusty. Have you seen the fucking price of raises lately that's expensive? Stop it. Stop it. I got the answer right here at the church of what's happened now. The answer is Dollar Shave Club, motherfuckers. The best out there. They got a program for you. One a month, $6 a month, or $9 a month. What are you getting each package?

I don't know. Go to Dollar Shave Club.com and take a look. But let me tell you just a little bit. You get razors. You get one stationary raiser, and then they send you a box of blades every month. Some blades have two fucking things with the aloe strip. That's the $9 package.

But let me tell you something. Take it from me. Take the $6 package. Get the $6 package. It's $72 a fucking year. Everything gets sent to your house. Oh, you want to order the one wipe Charlie's and keep your asshole clean?

You could do that too. You want to order the cocoa shave butter for your face to smooth out the humps and the bumps. You can do that too. I'm not asking to do that. All I'm asking to do is to take care of yourself for $6 a fucking month. You get the razors sent to your goddamn house. You don't got to go no way. You're going to sit in traffic.

There, there. Ben, that's one last fucking thing in your month. Go to Joey Diaz.net. Go to Dollar Shave Club. What's the code, brother? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H.

How easy is that? Get your fucking razers today, motherfucker. Stop fucking around with yourself also to my main people. at escapodtank.com making it happen. This is the third month they're working with us, and I'm working with them, and I love it, because everybody who emails me back says they call Jeremy, he gives them the information,

he sends him brochures, he does whatever he has to do to break it down for you. That's one thing. Customer service is fucking key in my world. Number two, I'm going to save you two to three grants on each fucking tub, whether it's a commercial tub or a residential tub, wherever the fuck you want to float.

Wherever you want those nuts to fucking float, we'll make it happen for you. Go to escapepodtank.com. call him up call Jeremy tell him I sent you say Jeremy fucking answer the phone cock suck I got questions for you and he'll answer the fucking phone for you if you mention me he's gonna give you an additional

250 off so if it's a commercial tub a residential tub you get it mailed out to you they'll give you direction somebody to have a contract in the area it'll come and put the box together for you but you get an extra 250 off to buy a bag of dope that's what escape pod tank does escape pod tank dot com

does for you cocks suckers all right stop wasting your money going to float somewhere Just do it at your house. Go to the bank, get a loan, put a tank in your house. You could fart and you can whack off on there. The cum stays on the sides. Who gives a fuck? It's yours.

Right or wrong. It's so easy I can put it together. That's right. Fuck yeah. Look at the shape of you. What am I going to do with you? Eat another edible. You're not even fucking higher.

Yes, I am. Look at the fucking shape you. I have a very serious question. What's the question you want to ask me? Why don't hotels put plunders in the rooms? Because you call downstairs. They come up. You charge in five dollars, but it's beautiful because they always want to plunders.

your own shit. That's disgusting. They always send some fucking Jamaican dude. Real look on his face. And he's like, let me the point. Oh, no, I'd do it. You ain't going in there. I don't want you to see what's in my fucking shit. You ain't going in there. We went to... It's a place called Tacos El Gordo. Apparently, it's pretty big

in San Diego and stuff. And it was some of the night best tacos we've had. We went through the first night because our flight was at 9 o'clock. Around 4 in the morning, I woke up, and I took a huge... You do fuck that back. I fucked that bathroom. The toilet was tapping on. Yeah, and I flushed.

I'm like, oh shit, this isn't going down. And I flush again, and I think there's a sensor in these fancy things so it doesn't overflow, thank God. But I was nervous, I was going to overflow. It was right there to the tip, right there for the tip. So I took the trash can and I filled it up. I'm just going to be nervous, thinking I could get it to go down, thinking there was a plunger. No plunger. I walked down to the front desk, hey, can I have a plunger?

We're going to send an engineer up. I'm like, I just want to plunge. You must have a buck. I thought they had a bucket of them behind the front desk. No. And I'm like, I don't want a big guy coming in at 4 in the morning making follow up. So I waited outside in the hallway. Luckily, he let me do it.

So I plunged it. No? You're supposed to give him $5, 10 bucks. For what? To bring the plunge up and not going on here. No, they should just give me a fucking plunger. What are you fucking knowing about scratching? He's another edible.

You're supposed to give him a 10 spot to not go in your room. I did. He didn't go in my room. I did it. Did you give him a plungeer back? No. Did you give him the tent spot? Yeah.

Let me ask you something. He carried it in a bag. Yeah, no. What do you think he's going to walk around with shit falling from it? You're fucked. But I poured the trash can back into the toilet and I flushed again and I put the trash can in the bag too. I was like, fool we don't need this in a room.

Disgusting, man. And then you don't give the poor guy a 10 bucks. What do you think he's an engineer for? He went to school for 18 years. He got all those tattoos. Get the fuck out of here. But you're supposed to tip him. He's no engineer.

I was fucking in my pajamas. I'm going to tip a guy for bringing a plunger. I got to give him a fin. Anybody who brings something to your room, you got to give him a fin. Ugh. No. That's part of the fucking business.

What's the matter? Nothing's it matter. Why don't you have a plunger at a hotel room? What do you want to have 200 fucking plunges? It's part of the game. They don't want the shit to get out of control. What if there's something that's not? What if your shit had metal in it?

What? What if you ate like a bicycle? Okay. And you shit a bicycle in the fucking thing. And it's about to clog up the toy. That's why they send the guy. He's no injure. But they send them up there to flush it to make sure your back room's okay.

You're supposed to give them a time. Now, don't get me wrong. I would never want somebody to smell the core of my shit. Because once you flush the toilet and that shit breaks in half, that's a complete different odor than you got originally when it comes out. You get those gastric juices and shit. Yeah. When it breaks in half, yeah, when it breaks in half.

I'm highly alone. Eat one more edible. When it breaks in half, you're sitting there going, it's disgusting. I don't want nobody in there either, so I give them a tent spot to keep them in the hallway. Every time I order coffee, like when I get coffee package, you know, they only put two packages in your room. That's why now I've got to travel with fucking sweetener. Because I've got to be, I become a fucking shoplifter, a sweetener shoplifter. Every time I go to eat when I'm on the road, I look around, I got to steal the fucking blue packages.

Oh, because you don't do housekeeping. Yeah, they only put one blue package in your room or two fucking pink packages for every cup of coffee. I need like three or four of those motherfuckers. So every time I drink coffee Like I like to drink coffee in the morning When I wake up One fucking cup When I wake up in the morning

Right? Just one cup I don't know how people drink coffee all day And that night before I do comedy Or sometimes before I go to bed at night I'll get a cup of coffee and smoke a joint You know smoke like a vapor And I love them right Two or three jokes

I love all that shit So that's what I use coffee for So I would come in at night They give you two pack They give you one pack of decaf And one pack of regular fucking coffee I'm going to be there for four days. When I go to the front desk, you didn't think I got coffee behind the front desk?

You would think so? No. Oh. They make an engineer come up to your fucking room. Hey. So I give them $5. For what? For the money?

Wouldn't you? I'm a nice tipper, but I draw the line with that. You got to tip them. You got to tip them. You're not for that. You're with representing the church. You got to give them a fucking Finn, a tense bottle of room. Oh, God.

You know, you're out there. People see you. They know you're international? No, you know what I did think of? those fucking poor people on the strip in the fucking costumes taking pictures

I felt so bad for this one guy who dressed him and his buddy were Bert and Ernie in the fucking worst-looking costumes I've ever seen

that must have sort of themselves but he's like picture buddy so him and his friend must have come from the South to make it big in Vegas

they were in homemade Bert and Ernie costumes in the fucking 90 degree weather I'm like oh you think you got pros

yeah are you gonna go back with me in Vegas It's the July 18th? Yeah, that's right around my birthday. When is your birthday? July 20th. And what are you going to do?

It's born and taking it. I don't know. It's fucking April. What's the name of the girl you went to see? Laland Del Rey. Lange and Cucksucker. No. I want to go see Lama Del Rine.

Actually, July 13th is our one year anniversary. And what are you on? I don't know. What are you planning on? I don't know. She has... You're going to see Lon Del Rey again? No, she's working during the week this summer.

So, I don't know. We'll do something on the weekend. So you're not going to go to South Point. me on the 18th me i just said it one me rick ramos and you okay let you loose bam that's the night we'll get a chick to fart in your fucking mouth on stage at the at the dirty show you know we'll find the chick in Vegas to fight in your mouth for 10 bucks no hookers no hookers but i'm gonna get a heavy-duty black chick know what was weird what was weird you tell me at the taco place we saw like two hookers in their pimp they're having

an end of shift meaning. It was fucking weird. And it's also weird. What were they saying? Did you pay him? No, I didn't see what I... Did you get her numbers or you put it on the podcast? No, fuck.

But I would love to... Like, she gave him all the money. She paid for the tacos and gave him... He gave him each a couple of bills, but then he took it. I was like, what must that feel like at the end of the night? What was he dressed like? He had a fucking funny shirt on, too.

It was like, ain't nobody as fly as me or something with the word fly in it. And it was just, it was hysterical. And the hookers in Vegas are hysterical too. Like they'll just position themselves, like on the walkways. And like the little, they'll be in those tight dresses. And then also I learn from somebody, if you see a girl like that alone in a bar, that's a hooker too. Because why are they alone at the bar?

So every time we would walk by one, I just pointed out to Paul, look, there's another hooker. It's, I don't know, it's crazy. It's your hobby now. Look at you. You're a bad motherfucker. It's crazy to see. Two years ago, you didn't know nothing. Now you know hookers.

Hookers. You're fucking ordering plungers to your room. You're shitting blood. I don't even have plungers in the... That's a stupid. I'm paying hundreds of dollars a night to stay there. Have a fucking $10 plunger in the room. They don't because that's the scam.

The engineer in the tent spot. You're fucking tens. Everybody's got to make money. They're union. You ever think of that? They're fucking union. You know what? They don't have Uber and Lyft in Vegas.

They don't have those things in Vegas. It must be the cab unions or something. They must be fucking huge there. Did you try to Uber? I went on because when we were at the airport, I was just going to see how much it was going to be. Because they have those shared ride vans in Vegas

where you can go up and down the strip. But those take 18 hours to get to your room, so we were just going to take a cab. So I put Uber on, and there's no, the big thing pops up, no Uber or a lift in Vegas. How far was, how long was the taxi line in Vegas this time? Ooh, at the airport.

It wasn't that long, but I've never taken the taxi. When you got there, how bad was. It was only one line. Okay. But we had to walk through all those. All that shit. It's a fucking nightmare. Fuck.

What the fuck is this? Let me just walk to the front and get me a cab. No. I want to talk about something that we don't talk a lot about. Here. I know you suffer from it. What's the matter, brother? I'm pretty fucking high.

That's right. Who takes care of you like me? Huh? Who takes care of you like your friends from Grand Rap? Huh? No one. You'll eat one more with this? No, thank you.

But this is crazy. This is tremendous. Let's eat one more. No, thank you. What the fuck? It's Monday. It's Monday, April 14th. Who's better than you?

Huh? You don't want you one more? No, thank you. Then we'll go for breakfast at Lulus. Okay. You want to get a nice steak. We'll get your nice fucking steak. No.

I want a breakfast sandwich. Oh, those sounds good. What kind of breakfast sandwich? Bacon, egg, and cheese? Look, what kind of cheese? Tell me cheddar so I can hate to the hell with this. I don't know. What are they put on the ones?

I don't choose it. Whatever they put on the ones is a, like, breakfast place. What are we talking about? Mimi's a Lulu's. Okay. He said Luluus. That's Lulu's. I don't know.

You said it. I'm high. I don't know what fucking Louie. Or Mimi's. I don't even fuck. Mimi's around the corn. Okay. Meemies is good.

That's fine. That's fucking fries, but I wouldn't go. If I go there, I'm only allowed to eat one egg, wheat toast, and fucking fruit. That's what my diet costs. One scrambled egg, wheat toast and fruit. See, that's the biggest thing about the edibles is the munchies after. I got no munchies. You don't get munchies?

No, you got to focus. Oh, my God. I got cantalope at the house. I got strawberries. I'm thinking about it already. I'm gonna eat a whole canelope. I'm gonna kill that fucking... I'm gonna kill that fucking cano.

I'm gonna kill that fucking towel. And then I'll just bite into the dog. My wife cut it up already because it's the babies. The baby eats it too. You're gonna have your babies can't alone? It's mine. It's my cantaloupe but she cuts up small for the baby too. It's my fucking kennelowlough.

It's my strawberries. There's bananas there for the baby and tangerines. There's a bunch of fruit. The fucking cantalope is mine, kinda sicken. My wife eats the bananas. There's raspberries and, yeah, there's raspberries with the yogurt and granola. That's for her. But the cantaloupe and the strawberries are Uncle Joe.

That's just the way the fucking thing goes. You see Mercy putting her hand in the ball just looking at you like, what the fuck? She tore everything. She takes the yoga and throws in her face. When I get that, she has fucking yogurt on her hair, her air. But I'll tell you what's... Oh, sorry for God, yeah. No, I'll tell you what's a big problem.

I didn't... I didn't know that a lot of people fucking... suffer insomnia. You have insomnia? Oh, yeah. Last night I called you. You were better than nine o'clock. Oh, I was just tired because I was a early flight. Um, but yeah, it used to be a lot worse. It's terrible. A lot of people have that. Oh, yeah. I think it's a lot of people my age

have it. But you know what? The problem, there is insomnia, but part of the problem for me too is the TV, the phone, the laptop. That stuff doesn't help. What do you do? I mean, what kind of insomnia do you have? It's been better recently. When I'm working a lot and I get tired during the day, it's not as bad. It would be like, the sad thing is during college, it's really not that hard to get your work done. So you'll have a lot of time watching TV.

I've been up to five, six in the morning a lot for weeks in a row. It's just you can't fall asleep. It's terrible when it happens because you just can't fall asleep. It's amazing. My insomnia started, well, my insomnia, if that's what you call it, was family fucking inherited. Okay. Because of the bar business. Because of the bar business.

My mother would come home at three and wake me up. So as I got older, I didn't notice it then, but I noticed it when I was 20. That I would go to bed at 10 o'clock at night and at fucking 2.30, I'd be up. Yeah. Oh, that's not insomnia. Well, did you go to bed or did you fall? I'd fall asleep and then wake up after four hours of sleep. I mean, when I think intomonia,

insomnia is just you can't fall asleep. You can't fall asleep. Okay, but I still wake up and now I can't fall on sleep. Oh, okay, got it. So finally, in 84 I put together, maybe, because I never thought of this. This is how dumb I was. In 84, one night I woke up and I'm like,

ooh, maybe if I smoke pot, I'll fall back to sleep. Because if I really think about my medical, I really think about my marijuana use, I enjoyed marijuana early on because it put me, to sleep. Yeah, it does.

Not because of the high or whatever, because I knew that at the end of the night, I would sleep a lot easier. But for a year, I woke up at 2.30, and at 5, I'd fall back to sleep. And what a shame, I've got to be up at 6. Oh, yeah, that's worse. And that's when I figured out that if I got high,

I would fall back to sleep. And that's what I did. I would have a joint that I would just take two hits off and listen to music for 15 minutes, and I'd fall asleep. I put the stereo right next to me with earphone. It was just fucking, it was. amazing. And then as I got older, it came in shifts, you know, but with me, I have insomnia when I go on the road. Oh, yeah, you do. After a comedy show, I go back. I really don't want

to go to bed, especially if I don't have to get up in the morning, you know, so I didn't understand it. Like, and people always hit me up with emails, you know, you never talk about insomnia. I don't talk about insomnia because I don't have insomnia. And the fact that I do have it, but I tackled it early on with Rifa. And then the other alternative, have insomnia, is exercise, is making yourself tired. That's the only other thing. When I have insomnia, if you go to the gym, you're fucking tired.

Even if you just ride the bike for 30 minutes, it will help you sleep a lot better. It really does. But a lot of people always hit me up on insomnia. I got to be honest with you, that's a reason why I smoke pot. And yeah, they'll tell you that there's different, oh, if I smoke a sleepy time tea, it has that whatever in it and tryptophan what's in the turkeys that works but you

that shit don't work forever and then you have to go on sleeping pills which i gotta tell you they're the worst things fucking going i don't give a fuck but they give you a milligram and a half or 10 milligrams of those valiums man you know i tell you how the fuck it is those things are horrifically bad because they stock up they stack up in your system valium stacks up in your system so after a while you're a walking fucking zombie just waiting to fall asleep you know so that's that's a That's all, but you have it. Yeah, I mean, I never had it that bad. I had it pretty bad.

I tried not to do sleeping pills. For a while, you have to sometimes, but they... Over the counter? Yeah, I never got prescriptions. But at first, they knock you out, but then slowly, like, it doesn't work because you have to take more. So I never let it get that far, but fucking weed. And everyone knows not much of working out, but you keep them busy. That really does.

because if you're not getting tired during the day, if you're just at home in bed watching TV, what are you going to be tired from? No, I fucking... I get it, motherfuckers. It's terrible. The worst thing is, is when you have to be up at 6,

maybe you have to work at 10, you have to leave at 9, is falling asleep at 7.30. That happened to a lot. I tell you what kills me. My game is this. Yeah. I went home last night.

I got off the plane at 11 o'clock. I got home by 12. I hung out with the family for a while. The baby took an app. I took an app. Yeah. I slept like two hours. The night before I slept three hours.

I probably slept an hour and a half on the plane. I'm good for the day. And let me tell you what happened to me last night. So at 9 o'clock last night, my wife comes in, and she goes, I'm going to bed. I was just headed out to get a cup of coffee with you. I had a cup of coffee at 9. And even though I really wasn't tired, I can't lie to you. People tell you, I was tired at 9 o'clock.

I had the coffee, and I wrote a little while. I did a bunch of shit that I had to do. I had to get my week ready. I looked at my gaming lights. for fucking Santa Fe, they sent me a license because I'm doing that casino. So doing an Indian casino you have to have a special license. Really? Yeah, so I was looking at that.

I was reading up some stuff on there. And I went to bed about 11. I looked at the clock. It was 5 to 11, guys. You know what time I woke up today? What time? 3.01. Right.

Open my eyes, sat in bed for 5 or 6 minutes. Look at the client. It was 301. I said, I'm going to stay in. in bed to 445. I stayed in bed like 20 minutes and I got up. That's it, just like that. Guess what? Let's pretend you called me last night and you go, I need your help at 7 in the morning. Will you be here? I'll tell you, yeah. When I have to get up, I can't get up. Really? That's when I have to get up in the morning, I can't fall asleep. You follow me? Like when I have to get up for those 4 a.m. flights?

Yeah. Catch me at 8 o'clock. I'm Johnny 4. fucking energy. My body tricks me. They play with me and I would stay up. In the old days I would stay up. Now I force myself to fucking fall asleep because I happen. You have to fuck.

See, you never could fucking, you never know what the fuck's going on. We were supposed to have a guest call in today. We were supposed to have my main man, Hector Lombard calling UFC fire at a welterweight. But I was kind of scared anyway because I don't know how good as English was and Lee was telling me just talked to him in Spanish.

And I hate that shit when people do it, so I'm happy in a way that he didn't call it. I love Hector, but just in talking to him, he didn't really want to talk about Cuba, you know, which is what the main conversation would be, how he feels, you know, what made him go to Australia instead of New York City, things like that would make him go to, you know, what, I mean, he's Cuban, what made him leave and all that stuff, but he didn't want to cover that stuff. So everything happens for a reason.

What I want to tell you guys, I got nothing this week. The next week, and the next couple of weeks I'll be on the rover. Rogan, Baltimore, Orlando, Santa Barbara. So I really have nothing on my own. Next time you'll see me and Lee will be Wednesday morning at 6 a.m. Also, April 30th, we're at the Ice House for a live motherfucking podcast. So make sure get your tickets now. Also, pre-sail for T-shirts, patches, and the cups ends tomorrow.

We're pretty much out of patches. We're pretty much out of fucking coffee muggers. How's that for you, people? So I appreciate the support on everything. You know, listen, I'm not. doing this to rape you fucking guys or become a millionaire. I'm doing this because you guys ask me for it. I listen to what you guys told me.

The geese came, the geepatches came from when I go out to the jih T-to places. They always tell me make a church fucking thing. You guys want a t-shirts. I put balls on a fucking pussy on it for you and a cross. Who does that? Balls are pussy and a fucking cross. That's a T-shirt. And I got the coffee mugs because we are the church.

You drink coffee in the morning or fucking bat juice or stamenke your fucking leg. your fucking liquid or whatever the fuck is Lee, look at the shape of you on a Monday morning. After the post office, too. You better not fucking fall asleep today because I'll be fucking you up two times. After the post office. And you know what was good about coming home yesterday, Lee?

I never talk about it anymore. My cats. Oh shit. I have rekindled a love with all my babies again. It's very weird. When the baby was born at first, I think sometimes when a child, something new comes in the house. It wasn't that I neglected them.

I just, because I give them all the same love, man. I love them all the same. I really do. I have my favorites, but I love them all the same. But the last three or four months, I've been tight with them again. Really tight with them. And you can see the difference. They're having a good time.

You know, they're scared of the fucking baby. Really? Yeah, they're scared of them. Especially Dimmy. Dimmy just runs the fuck away from her. But it's amazing how I'm in love with, like, this morning. I was a little late here. this morning because I was with them.

I could see that they were really enjoying themselves. I had Fidel up in the air. I had the alley up in the air. I had super bad in my arms. And I could just see the difference. You know, on Monday morning before I leave the house, look to pick them all up and tell them I love them and kiss them. It really is a joy. Someday, we're going to get you a nice dog.

You're going to be very happy. And I can tell you're really going to enjoy. You know, take a look at your little places around your town. If you're lonely or you're feeling depressed or you're feeling depressed or you're feeling maybe that you can't make it another day whatever the fuck your problem is. Maybe you're just a fucking want a dog or a cat. Go to one of these shelters that they're going to kill them

and bring something home. At this point in the game, who gives a fuck? I'll tell you, they give me all the joy in the world. And when I'm home, I'm happy to see my wife and I'm happy to see my daughter, but I'm not home until I give those fucking cats a hug. So do what you do. Spread the love or tell them to suck your dick.

It's the same thing. It's a thin line between love and motherfucking hate jack. And that's it for today. If you're Jewish, I love you. If you're fucking Muslim, I love you. I don't give a fuck today. It's Monday. April 14th, sling dick.

Like I told you, when you walk in the room, you got the biggest dick in that room, even if you're fucking don't, all right? Have a great day. Stay black. Let's do this, Lee. Put this motherfucker together, baby. And you go to leithside.com for,

I have some T-shirts and stickers, too. Lee's got everything. He's a lot. Man of a thousand fucking things. I'm fucking high. Look at the shape of you. How are you going to act when you get there? Where?

I don't know. Where was the fuck you go? Lulus. Huh? Lulus, me, me. Look at the shape of you. I'll do it both for them. Now that this show's over,

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