The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #168 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

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It's Wednesday morning, you savages. What's happened, you bad mother. fuckers. Uncle Joey here on June the first. The motherfucking rent this dude, Jack. It went by that fucking fast, guys. That's how quick times are going. The summer's here. It's a fucking beautiful day to be alive. A beautiful fucking Wednesday. Yesterday and Monday in Jersey, if you didn't powder your fucking balls, you're on fire right now. You understand you have the powder them fucking powder them again. Bring a fucking powder for your asshole. It was hot Jack. It was a great weekend.

It was a great Monday. Let me tell you something. First off, I want to apologize about the podcast Monday. It affected me last week with the kids and the shit and reading it. You know, guys, I tell my wife all the time, you know, I'm an orphan. I tell my wife all the time the scariest day of my life was the day I realized I was alone in this world. It's the scariest fucking day of your life when your mom goes and your dad goes and your sister. lives in Cuba and you have an uncle around the corner.

But at the end of the day, in reality, you're alone. The realization I got last week, which you never want to fucking realize. You never want to realize anything. Sometimes it's so scary. Like, you'd rather sit there like a retard and not know. But last week, if you're an American, you got to come to the realization that our kids are never safe. Even when we're at work, even when we're at,

Times have changed that much. When I was growing up as a kid, bro, your mom didn't have to come home for two weeks and you were taken care of because it takes a village to raise a child, you know. But today, moms have to work. You know, it's not the same world. Mom's got to work and break their fucking back and get home at six and then change and run to a fucking karate class or a softball game. They don't even have a chance to think themselves.

So it's a different world, you know. If you get off the school bus and I'm outside and you say to me, my mom's not home, whatever, I take you and I feed you, you can watch TV here, you could jump in the pool, whatever the fuck we have is yours. That's how I was raised. But a couple years ago, way before my daughter was born, a woman who I had no reason to even trust said something to me. And it was the smartest thing anybody ever said to me. She looked at me. It was like an epiphany, like Marilyn Martinez, when she told me, God, wanted me to stop snort and coke and i was like fuck this is deep this woman looked at me and she goes when it comes to your child trust

don't trust anybody your mother you're I mean she was like don't trust anybody because they're not going to watch your kid how you're going to watch your kid and that makes sense with all that I mean I trust my in-laws I trust my you know I trust them they have children I see how they behave around their children it's not my I'm gonna leave my kid

with fucking uh you know uh the Puerto Rican dude who was a fucking pervert in my neighborhood and Nelson, you know, I'm not going to leave my kid with Charlie a sticky Charlie on 148 Street. I'm not going to seek him with Martin, the pedophile. You know, I'm not going to leave my children

with these people. But, you know, there's got to be, you know, we have pools and we have friends, and, you know, so that's what, that's why I was, I think that's why I was so down. It's not, yeah, and I have a little bit of fucking empathy. I can't imagine what those parents are going through. I can't imagine that.

So I'm very sorry, but just that's what the realization I was. Like Wednesday or Thursday, it fucking destroyed me. Like, you know, your kids, they never save. We thought we were safe with a school compliance officer. We thought that if the cops would come, our children would be first. But that's not the case no more. America, so strap a fucking pair on. It's every fucking man for himself.

And it's a new fucking law. there it's it's a whole new way of the land and we have to adjust or you're going to get fucking eaten up and that's so I suggest everybody in the words of my man everybody's got to clean up their own backyards and take a look at what we really have back there and it took me for a fucking ride but anyway listen I forgot first of all I forgot how much fun the city of Philly was I I forgot And it took Jimmy 14 to remind me. He said he took his kid, his 10-year-old kid, to the six of playoff game against the Miami Heat.

And he said that every time one of the heat players got announced at the beginning of the game, the whole stadium, not three guys, not a section, but the whole stadium in Philly said, fuck you. Now, I love Philadelphia, guys. Okay? I have always loved Philadelphia. my first time in Philadelphia was the eighth grade and we went to Betsy Ross's house

and all this shit. When you're a kid you're like, what the fucking Betsy Ross? She's over there making a fucking flag and shit. It was just a joke. And then we went to the fucking, yeah, then we went to the Nutcracker Suite and we teamed up with a fucking grammar school from Philadelphia and it just so happened. They had paper clips

and we had paper clips. Now, Philadelphia, the city of your brother they loved. Then I got to shoot them out. you. We decided we're going to shoot them at the nutcracker suite while they're performing. And it was us in some Philly school just launching. That's all you heard. The performers were up on stage like swatting fucking paperclips. And they finally said, that's it. We can't take it anymore. We got thrown out. And that was my first experience in fucking Philadelphia, okay?

My second experience in Philadelphia is maybe a year later. Not even. My buddy Vinnie Lynch got rest of his soul. says he's got extra tickets for the Rolling Stones. Me, I'm a dumb kid, the Rolling Stones. I had the tongue. I knew what, you know, sticky fingers. I knew what, sticky fingers. At that time, I knew some girls.

Some girls was the popular album when I went to see that tour. I knew, you know, sympathy for the devil. You know, you always said, boo, boo, yeah, you know. And I bought Get Your Yaya's out, and I heard the album, and I almost pulled my hairs out of my head, because I never heard live music that sounded so bad. That was 40 years ago. I get in the car with this fucking Vinnie Lynch,

and he starts talking to me by the hit of acid. Listen, guys, I don't mind smoking dope and maybe drinking a bottle of boons for him at the time. Okay, that's the level I was up to. I was up to three, I was up to a joint between six guys and maybe a bottle of boons form, and you're going to see puking, hallucin of jading.

The whole fucking thing, okay? That's who I was in the eighth grade, guys. What do you want me to tell you? I'm sorry my tolerance wasn't that I. Now that it's high, you motherfuckers want to torture me over it. And this motherfucker is talking about a hit of acid. Now it's the Veterans Memorial? Memorial Day?

No, Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Philadelphia. Was that the name of it? The Vetna Stadium. These motherfuckers got a hotel. You could see the stadium. Like a nice hotel they got. This is 1978, guys. I still remember the streets having,

having like little water gaps in them so they had a little island in the middle I go north you come south two lanes that way two lanes this way but in the middle they had grass parts

but in the grass parts they had little things where dirty people would only conceive of jumping in there and guess what people were jumping in there I'm on a hit of acid I've never done acid before

I'm in a car I'm fucking 14 maybe I maybe got a half a mustache and I got the drizzle around my dick hair, like the bozo look like the middle hadn't fall in, like I couldn't show it to somebody. And we get to the fucking hotel room

and the acid is fucking hit me. It's window pain acid. I didn't open up with fucking acid three ways. If you wonder what's wrong with Uncle Joey, we just found the answer. There's no therapy session. When I was 14, I did old school window pain acid. We went to the room.

I sat there like a, you know, a 13, 14 year old kid that I was, not knowing what I was feeling. And all of a sudden they're like, hey, it's time to go down and see the bands. Who's the opening band? Somebody said, who's the opening band? They're like, far enough. And I'm like, cold as ice.

And I never forget that I put like a blanket on, like a hotel. It's fucking the end of June. And I put like a hotel blanket on because cold as ice went into my mind. Like they hit a fucking ass. Like when you have, I don't know. I don't know, guys. I don't know. And I'm like, I'm not leaving this room.

And they're like, Joey, Coco. We came two hours to see the stone, and you don't want to leave the room. I was a pussy. I didn't know. I'm like, no, I don't want to leave the room. I'm seeing things. I feel cold. And they're like, talk.

You got to get it fucking together. And I remember I went out there, the stone, a foreigner was ending up a long, long way from home. That's it that we're closing up with you. You ever hear that song? Great, great album, the first album. So, and there was a little intermission, which didn't help my father. fucking cause. You know, it took me to the next level of fucking everything. And then I fucking, the stones came out. He came out rapping an American flag with like a fucking fire truck or some

shit on the end of the fire, you know, Mick Jagger type shit. And I fucking had to sit there and take that whole concert on acid, not knowing what happened. I knew maybe two songs, beast of burden and shattered and fucking before they make me run or something like that. They did. Keith sang it. And that was it. We went back. to the room. I went home and the next morning I woke up puke all over my chest because I took my shirt off obviously when I got home and there was a big piece of hubba bububba that was petrified right there on my chest. I didn't have any hair on my chest.

Oh my God, you know, and that was my fucking second experience of Philadelphia. So right there I'm like, you know what? I think I'm going to give Philadelphia a fucking breathe. Every time I go to Philadelphia I get in trouble. I either do acid or I fucking you know, fucking whatever. So we're sitting here a couple weeks ago and fucking Jimmy goes, listen, Memorial Day, I'm going to see the Giants of playing Phillies.

Let's go down there to 4 o'clock game. I was like, that's perfect, because we're just going to sit around. We're going to be, everybody's going to have barbecues on Saturday and Sunday. We're going to be fucking worn out on people. I would love to go to fucking Philadelphia. But then I woke up Monday morning,

and it's fucking, I got in the car to go to the gym and it was already 88 degrees at fucking 9 30 in the morning. I'm like, I don't want to go to no fucking softball game. I don't want to go to no fucking baseball game. And then I went to the gym and I lightened up a little bit and I saw how excited my daughter was. She goes, Dad, are you bringing your glove? I'm like, why am I bringing my gloves?

She's like, so we could fucking catch the balls, the foul balls. I'm like, Mercy, I'm not bringing my glove. But you can bring your glove and bring your little hat and shit. So her excitement got me. Listen, and here's negativity. Here's what I talk to people about negativity and how negativity spreads. I went outside the house yesterday when I went to the gym. I don't know, when I came back and my neighbor goes, hey, how are you doing?

You guys are going to the game? She goes, get ready to fucking die down there. Between the heat and the fucking savages, something bad's going to happen. And I'm like, I know I shouldn't go, you know? And then I fucking went to LeVote's to get Italian ice. And again, I saw some guy that played. off of my daughter and he's like oh it's gonna be hot down there i would rethink my plans and i'm like maybe he's right and then i'm like you know what i'm gonna tell me i'm gonna tell my wife i'm not

gonna go you know and i fucking came home and she's like all right we're getting ready to leave it's 12 45 1 o'clock and i'm like i don't know if we should go she's like joey she's really excited you know what let's go i had a bad night i couldn't fall asleep fucking sunday night i don't know just it was one it was the first bad night in like three weeks so i got no problems with it my My percentages are high. I used to have two bad nights a week or a bad night every other week. Now it's pretty fucking calm. So I just stayed up and I read.

I didn't want to watch TV. And when I got up, I only slept like four hours. I was a little tired. I was like, you know, I just want to chill today. But nobody was going to do dick. You know, everybody was just going to sit around. So I said, fuck it. Let's go to Philadelphia.

So we followed Jimmy and his son and me and my wife and my daughter got out of the other car. We had sugar-free licorice, goldfish. fucking the other fit I hate go fish the fuck I hate goldfish in real life and I hate goldfish the candy the fucking crackers I really do I don't know I don't like those goldfish I ate them as a kid how many fucking goldfish can you eat enough is enough I ain't an ocean already a goldfish you know I'm saying I've eaten an ocean of those motherfuckers we went down there we parked guys you know I'm the first one I want to complain we parked it was a 75 foot walk which I

You know It's hot So what it's hot I know Everybody knows it's fucking hot Walk keep your head down And you know Wear white shirt

Whatever And that's exactly what I did I dressed him white I wore my white little sneakers But before I left You guys know me dog I took 2,500 milligrams

And edibles I ate eight of them At 200 There's in a pari teeth For the afternoon And I listen to the new Soundgarten The new deaf lepid

I'm on the way back I needed 3,000 edibles after I listened to that fucking nightmare of a fucking album. Oh my God, deathlet, but just keep singing fucking high and dry. Don't try it without mutt laying. It was not good.

Have you heard it? It's not good. I was listening to it as I was falling asleep to Philly and I told my wife take that off. And I can't do it no more. It's putting me to sleep. So I fucking, I took some out of, but I also had a roll joint

from the night before. with some fucking powder in it and I had a ton of shit in that joint. That's a yeah, I was going to kill somebody. And then I just took a handful of ABX edibles and put them in the bag. And I put them in my side pocket. You know, I'm like, what am I going to do? What are you want from me? I'm going to go down there.

Maybe I'll bump into somebody. Maybe I won't. So we get there. Easy ride. Easy walk. The gates open up at 2.30. We walk in because the kids could go to batting practice and they get balls thrown up to them. Oh, my God.

She loved it. and I'm sitting there my wife goes do you want to go to the bank yeah we go over to the thing and nothing was open yet no sausage and peppers no hot dogs no Italian ice

no nothing we got there that early so no I wasn't high I was I had a great lunch I wasn't hungry I was down there watching and then it just got too hot it was really hot at 2 30

hot there in the sun the sun was right fucking there so I walked yeah it was remember I just told that Ralphie Mae fucking baseball story and here I am going to relive it again. We're right in the same fucking area guys. Only,

I think those tickets were third base line. No, I don't know. This was the first base. So I'm sitting there and I go, Terry, she goes, why don't you go up and get it? Because we were all alternating. Like, well, you know, it's not a bad idea. So I went up and sat in the shade. People were starting to come in.

You know, the vendors were walking towards their things. I'm looking at it. I'm like, fuck, this is cool. It was just great to see a stadium earlier, you know, it was great fucking, and you know, there was two people walking here, four people here, two kids, it was still really early. And I just sat there, I gave Lee a call. I had a call, like, two of my friends that had called me on the way down there,

and I'm sitting there minding my own business. And I, and now it's starting to see, you know, we're starting to see five people. I started to see the vendors cooking, and at one point, it smelled so, fucking good at Philly Stadium, guys. And I found that on the way out that it's, it got voted like the best food at the stadium. Is that true?

They had French fries with crab meat. They had shit that was out of this world. When I walked over it, I'm like, oh my God, I didn't bring enough free for, look at all this fucking food. They are not fucking around in Philly. Oh my God.

They have the guy who shoots out. It doesn't. Guys, it didn't end. I have my composure. I'm sitting there, and I love people watching. And if there's any place, you should people watch. It's in Philadelphia. Beautiful women, beautiful young women, all colors, all sizes.

You know, I got to admit that. The women in Philly, all colors, all sizes, all of them beautiful, and very fucking nice. I'm like, you know what, this is going to be pretty happy. Good afternoon. I'm sat here for maybe 30, 40 minutes. The game's about to start at 4. Nobody's recognized me. This is great.

You know, I thought maybe somebody would say something to me. Like, hey, come on, nobody. Nobody was very nice. And I spoke too fucking soon. And the whole sudden I'm sitting there. And I see like a block of guys walk by, maybe like seven guys. And I envied them.

Guys, I really did envy them. because that was me. Memorial Day sneaking in, trying to get to that level before, putting enough money together to get a hot dog, a Met Hat, a Yankee hat, a Philly. Wherever the fuck you're at, you know, you can't replace that in your life. I kid. You know, I called Lee at one time and I go, we got to figure out how to make money going to baseball games. Like, just going to baseball games.

Like from fucking Boston straight to San Francisco one time in your life. Like just all the stadiums, do a fucking thing about the foods, talk to the people. I think, you know, when you retire to something, that's a great fucking bucket list. Like, I have friends. I have my friend Ralph Fuso and his kid, dog, do a stadium tour since I can remember. 20 years. And now the kids graduated college last week. Congratulations, Mr. Fuso.

I mean, these people are dead. And I never frowned on it. I never was like, that doesn't sound like, I just never had time. I thought I'd never have time in a life to just take a summer off and go to fucking see baseball game. Jesus, that sounds great. Have you ever been to Baltimore Stadium? Boo Powell used to have those ribs outside? Jesus Christ, it's just America is fucking beautiful when it comes to baseball.

So these eight kids walk by and all of a sudden, I don't think nothing of it. I'm just like, man, how lucky would it be to be 21 again? You know, you got to go fucking Uber delivery. You're like, I'm only doing two Ubers enough to get money to go to the game. And then we'll Uber to the game. You know what I'm saying? Like you just, that's life, guys. That's what people don't want.

Everybody wants to go down the shore and be Kim Kardashian. You don't know what it's like to take any of your buddies. You know, you just got out of high school. Nobody wants to work. My father wants me to go to work today. Fuck him. You know, nobody wants to work the summer after high school. You just want to live on the fat of the land and the pro.

profits of crime and you're like fuck because that's all I wanted to do I'm going on 40 years this is like the best summer of my life 1982 we refuse to get jobs refuse everybody parents like you need to get a job every time you call for your friend his father would like you and him need to get a fucking job and you're like yeah all right fuck him I know fuck him he's an old time but for those guys they were just like you could see like they were just plotting shit like let's chip in and get for fries. They probably bought a $10 bag of a weed, you know? And that's the

shit we never remember. Everybody wants an eighth or a pound. Everybody wants to be Wiz Khalifa. These guys are just fucking having a great time. While I was looking at them, one of them made a quick U-turn. And he came over, and this is exactly what he said to me. He goes, Mr.

Diaz, I don't mean to bother you. I would love to do one of your addibles. Just like this. And I looked at him. I'm like, oh, and I just looked at him for like, I don't know, 10 seconds. I'm like, nice to meet you. I gave my hand, Joey. You don't have to call me Mr. Diaz.

He goes, I don't want to take a picture. He goes, I walked past here with a bunch of guys a couple minutes ago. He goes, I didn't even let them know it was you because I want you off of myself. That's a dissuilly. He goes, but I don't want a picture. I just want to shake your hand and do an edible with you. I go, what's the strongest edible you've ever done? this kid looks him and he goes

50 I go well listen all I got is a 200 and he goes done I didn't even say 100 and he's like done amen I went in my pocket

I go are you serious now this was I don't know if you guys ever watched the old churches when I put edibles with weed and Lee would take a capsule out and be coated with THC because I put like I'll take a baggie

and I'll put 10 of them in there I'm going out and then I'll put a joint or two in there. And while you're walking, the joint loosens up and it coats these things. They get really ugly. And when you eat it, it tastes just like reefer. So, oh my God, especially when you bite it. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

And let me tell you what the kid did. The kid was a trooper. He did not pop it. He bit it and it went on his teeth. And I was like, oh, now I've been around a long time, guys. I'm a fucking dinosaur. You guys know, you've guys been witnessing the edibles we've done. I've never seen somebody chew on those things.

I will never buy, what is that, a piece of gum with the fucking flavor thing inside? That is not the flavor you're looking for. I love ABX. I love the strength of them. I love the flavor of the gel cap. But I don't think I will love the flavor of what's in there. This motherfucker, been into a way, and he's looked at me, goes, thank you. God bless you.

you and he took off and the rest of the game I thought about this kid because I knew he was not prepared for this fucking edible but you know what it's Philly so for all you motherfuckers that talk behind my bag Joey has strong edibles don't touch Joey's

edibles I was in Philly and there's more so then now I'm starting to have a good time I'm like kids are eating edibles all right right so my wife shows up we're going to take our seats we take our fucking we don't take our seats

I'm waiting for them so I'm waiting by this fucking like by the end of my row I'm by first base you gotta walk maybe 10 rows down and you're right there in the middle but I didn't have my ticket they were in somebody's phone you know everything is in your fucking phone down

so I had to wait and when I was waiting there I started talking to him I'm sitting there and I told my daughter on the way down there before we even got in the car go, mercy, we'll go on to Philadelphia.

I love Philadelphia, but they're savages. So, whatever curse words you've heard before and all this shit, it's going to be tremendous.

She's like, okay, Dad. Now, we just get to Philly, we just get to Philly, we just get out of the car, we just cross the street,

it's the sign where the players or the personnel, I'm not going to say players because people are going to go, Joe, you a lot.

No, it's where the personnel goes in with their cars in and out. Because if it was players there, there would have been kids waiting with autographs. That's how I knew it wasn't. But right there, by the Philly thing, right there where you walk in like Philadelphia Phillies, there was a fucking thing. And it's a stand on line and all this. You know, signs that tell you. But on one of the signs, somebody drew a big fucking dick with balls,

with squirts coming out of it. Sure enough. I'm holding my daughter's hand and she goes, Dad, look. And I go, Jesus, God, Christ. Before we even walk into the stadium, I'm like, that's it. My daughter just grew up today.

Like, you just grew up today. So I tell her about the curse words and shit. Now, when I see a mom with kids, I'm thinking I'm okay, right? Like, everybody thinks they're okay. What do I mean, Joe, what do you mean by okay? Well, you know, we're okay. Nothing's going to go bad.

It's not like somebody's going to hit you. It's a mom with three kids. And all of a sudden, after about 10 minutes, the two daughters were beautiful. The son was very nice. And she was really attractive. She was cool. She had tats and shit. I didn't know what to expect.

I didn't say a word. I meant my business. I was just watching the players fix the field and trim and doing the watering. It's fucking great, man. I'm going to get a job there. I love to get a job at Philly State. I was talking to the guy that was in charge of my row was retired. He was just amazing.

We had a great fucking time. So I'm sitting there with these ladies, and I'll see the mom go, what the fuck is taking her so long? Jesus fucking Christ, that's the last time I'll take her bitch slow ass to a fucking game. And I'm like, I'm in Philly.

This is it, guys. And I'm not, guys, now I'm not, you know me, you know my language. You know the verbies that I'm able to fucking throw out there. I was like, holy fuck. And not even 10 seconds after that. Another woman behind me was just laying expletives out in the air. These fucking, these fucking things are too hot.

Whatever. I'm like, wow. So now we all go down and sit down and, guys, it is hell on earth. It's fucking hot. It's not as hot as the Ralphie May incident. But it was up there, guys. I was sweating profusiously. So after the first inning, I can't take it no more.

I had four kids and Jimmy and me. their parents and I just without counting I go I'm going to get Italian ice for everybody because we're going to melt and I want to got cherry Italian ice and like lemons I just got a mix of them and my wife goes I help you carry him I had like four in this arm three in this arm my wife had him but look how I have the Italianites this guy I got three in this arm and three in this arm and it's 95 fucking degrees so I go to pay and the guy you know you can't pay with cash what a nightmare Everything's a fucking card. So I tipped them.

You know, 15%, you know the kids came out from behind the counter? He shook my hand. They're like, thank you, man. Nobody tips. I'm like, what? You know, we started hanging out. So all of a sudden, you get to the thing,

and if the pitch is throwing, you can't walk down because the cameraman is there. This was great. It was getting taped for TV. I mean, fucking great. Yeah, hold on. Well, the dude looks at me. He goes, no, no, no, hold on.

Let him go down. The ice cream is melting. I don't want the ice cream to melt all over these. I didn't know. When I went to sit down, my daughter looked at me, she goes, Dad, you're disgusting. I go, why? She goes, look. I had a big red spot.

So I had to walk the rest of the day. Like, I got shot in the fucking heart at the Philly game. So now I'm sitting there. And I'm eating the fucking Italian ice and I'm having a blast. I'm like, I'm not hot while I drink the Italian ice. This is good to know. So I just keep eating Italian ice is and I won't fucking sweat at that. But I started eating the Italian ice like a bit.

It was, you know, I was fucking hot. And next thing I ran out of it entirely nice and guys, you're not even going to believe what your uncle Joey did next. You couldn't even figure it out. I saw that the guy was saying, frozen lemonade with tequila and without tequila and margaritas, frozen margaritas. Guys, the margaritas were fucking delicious. 16 ounces. Guys, how long you know me? Have I ever told you alcohol is delicious?

Wasn't I just telling you I was dying? It was so hot and it was frozen. I just told the guy, I go, I'm not walking back to get another time. So in the meantime, give me the fucking margarine. And right there, I'm like, hey, you can't walk on one leg. I go on my pocket and I fucking pop eight of them, whatever, those 200 milligrams, and they're starting to melt.

Because it's so hot, they're starting to get really gushy in my pocket. I'm like, fuck, I got to dispense these motherfuckers. So I'm sitting there, man. And I got to tell you guys, whatever I was thinking about whatever insecurities I had the last couple weeks whatever was on my mind

the Rogan thing this weekend while I was sitting there sweating looking at that field any problem I had any insecurity I had just went away it was like I was fucking floating I wasn't high

when this night 95 degrees and you're at 280 pounds, you're not going to get high. You're not going to get drunk on a fucking margarita. Not one, you need 22 margarias to get a big fat fuck like me done, especially with the tolerance. I drank that thing.

I gave mercy two sips because it had ice in the top. You know, once I drank the alcohol and had ice on the top, there was no alcohol on that. She did like that, this is good. And I got to be honest with you, I forgot how therapeutic a baseball game was. There was $70

tickets, guys. I didn't go broke over. In fact, when Jimmy told me they were $70, I'm like, it feels like I'm going to have nosebleed tickets. No. The reason we went to Philly Stadium is because they were saying that Yankee Stadium is really expensive and it's really hard to get in and out of. And Shea Stadium is kind of rough.

It's a two-hour hike, you know? So they just said, let's go to Philly and have a great time. And I've got to tell you, one of my main concerns in life is that, you know, look at the plane tickets nowadays. That's great. you could afford $1,100 to L.A. What if you had a family of four and you already got Disney tickets?

That's $4,000 in playing tickets, you know. You know, these Nick tickets are 220. You know, L.A. Laker tickets, the cheapest ticket is fucking $240 under the air conditioner. And you could check it right now. I'm not lying to it. And that was 240 pre-COVID. That's the cheapest ticket in the Staples Center.

And you'll see it. It's like those say it. You're like, oh, my God, $180. and you're like, ooh, it's right next to the air conditioner. So I really, you know, a mid-level family, you know, a family of four could enjoy a baseball game. I mean, it's $5 waters. I've seen them for eight. I've seen them for eight.

I've seen them pretend they could yank you more. The sausage and peppers with $10. You know, if I want Sergeant Pepper, I've got to drive down the shore anyway. And that's $5 a gallon, right? So, you know, everything was pretty comprehensive. Everything was, you know, the margarita was a 20 spot. Bears in a can were $11. I don't drink beer.

I don't think your 10-year-old kids drinking beer either. So it gave me a little hope that a family of four, if I did $71 or $70 for those tickets, for $25, I could sit in the middle. They'll upgrade you. You know, you could go online and really, that's $100 for a family of four, even if they want a baseball at 25 bucks or whatever.

You know what? Considering what's going on in the world, that's not a bad damn entertainment. And listen, it's not just entertainment on the field. It's the entertainment in the stadium that counts. So after I pop those fucking eight edibles, I'm sitting there and I'm like,

every problem in my world has gone away. I have nothing to worry about. This is the best I felt in fucking 10 years. I looked up. I saw those fucking American flags when they did the fucking star-stangle banner in the beginning. All that just,

and we were there on a fucking memorial day. I wasn't even thinking about it that way. I just wanted something to do with my family. And it was fucking superb. Now, I know a lot of your people, you know, not the best for your family and you want your kids to hear the right things.

to me. If you want your family to hear the right things, to grow up like normal kids, go to Philly Stadium. Okay? Why do you think I love you? All right.

They are who I am. They are. You know, listen, man, I always love comedy because of the travel, like, to these small cities. All you motherfuckers that want to make people like me

and all my friends The people I jig with fucking feel bad because we didn't go international travel. Fuck you. I've seen things in this country you'll never fucking dream of. And it makes me proud to be a fucking American. And I've seen them everywhere. In San Francisco, Louisville, Kentucky, fucking Buffalo, New York, Philadelphia. You know, I've seen things that Texas, you know, Tempe, Arizona, I've seen things that have made me go, whatever I felt about this city.

I feel a lot better about it. Like when I go to Chicago, if you think I'm going to come, when I go to, yeah, when I go to Chicago, if you think I'm like most people, oh my God, the architecture. No, I'm going to see the people. I'm there to eat a fucking hot dog a Chicago dog with pickles in it.

And I want to see that guy who spit the food out while he's talking to me and just be himself. You ever want to go to the city and see the fucking inner makings of the city? That's what I live for. that acutate you know in the hot club and where i need to go eat that's bullshit because all these cities that have heart Cleveland uh Baltimore buffalo these little fucking cities have one thing that you go like when you go to Cleveland you go to that pastrami place and they're great in there that's what they do you know that's what they they do when you go to philly

first of all it's not a woke stadium so if you're woke if you if you want to be referred to is him, his, or her. If you want to be referred to all those things in the woke world, it's not going to happen at Philly Stadium. And if you want your kids to live in a woke world, it's not going to start at Philly Stadium because the shit that comes out of those people's mouths, I can't even remember all of it.

I can't, guys, I cannot even remember how hard. I haven't laughed that hard. You guys, like, you guys, like, oh my God, you must have laughed so much at the comedy store. Listen, you're going to laugh twice as hard I'm in fucking Philadelphia. Eagle, Sixer,

forget about a flyer game. I have not been to a flyer game since 1983, right? Yeah, probably 80 something. So I have not even been to a flyer. I've not been to a Sixth game since 1983. You know, I have not been to an Eagles football game.

I went to see the Eagles against the Jets in 93 with Randall Cunningham at the Meadowlands. And, you know, I never, I don't remember when the last time I went to see a fucking baseball game. You know, I thought that, I kept calling the JFK Stadium where the, where the, where the, where the Phillies played. But it was, you know, because I thought it was JFK, Stah, it was really vet. Veterans Memorial Coliseum. That's where I went to see them play.

I went to see the Stones a long time ago. the spectrum was where I went to see like fucking, you know, Sabbath and the Sixes and all that shit. But anyway, so I take a picture because it was so beautiful. And I know Mike saw it because Mike clicked on it. It was just a beautiful picture.

The scoreboard, you know, planes were flying over. I'm just like, I wish people understand that it was, it's just a beautiful day to be alive in Philadelphia. Whether I got 95 pounds of sweat on me, a red heart, you know, fucking sticky feet from the fucking floors. Well, the stadium was immaculate.

Guys, immaculate. You could eat off the fucking floors. People were very fucking nice. I must have taken 50 fucking pictures sitting there. People didn't even make me get up. They were like, Uncle Joe, we don't want to bother you. Come out. And they would just hug me and take a picture of me.

It was fucking... Surreal. It was surreal. But then these two guys came over. And they were like Uncle Joey, we were sitting in section, whatever. We saw you were here. We don't want to bother you. We just want to say hello. I go, man, say hello, Bub, I'm there. Then they sat right there.

And I'm like, oh, this is going to be crazy. They were gentlemen. They were Philadelphia gentlemen. They were yelling, fuck you. You know, they were doing the whole thing. My daughter's laughing and Luke is laughing and the whole thing is fucking laughing. We're all fucking loving life. We're having a great time.

and you know man I'm starting to get high on these edibles the marguerite I didn't feel I'm not going to lie to you people I didn't they came and went but the edibles were making me feel warm you know and all of a sudden I saw a dude an African American dude cool as fuck selling beer beer here beer here and the two guys like

we'll take beers give Uncle Joey a beer and I'm like no you know I can't happen and he's like brother that cold you're gonna love it this is with Philly love The guy was talking to me like that, man We give our beers with Philly love I'm like what? I'm like, I can't have a beer And I look at these kids

And they're having such a great time And one guy is like a mailman Like they're just kids that work And they go to games and all this shit And I look at them and I go Hey, this is how I test these motherfuckers Hey, hey You guys want Uncle Joe he edible?

What do you think they're responsible? Do you think they go? How strong is it? Oh my God? We heard about your edibles. They were like, fuck, yeah. Are these the ones you gave Lee? And I'm like, yeah, they're 200 milligrams.

They're like, bring them on. Now it's the third inning. They pop them. They're happy. I'm happy. I make a video with them. They're like, ah, we're fucking jumping up and down, yelling.

Listen, I didn't even know what the fucking score was. Did I talk about the score? That's how fucking entertaining this was. But I was just sitting there watching the baseball game. not listening to the announcers It was like fight companion Only Philadelphia style fight companion With two fucking young kids who were nuts

And they're yelling at the pitcher And I didn't know that the ex-manager Of Philadelphia is now the head manager Of fucking the San Francisco Giants So every time he came out I don't have to tell you The things that were yell Boo fuck you

Your mother go back to here One time there was two bad calls That poor umpire He's in therapy today. I'm telling you right now, they were saying things that there's in therapy now. My two little brothers over here

were yelling and screaming, having a great time. But then they turned into my brother George when he was driving me to Newark for the UFC about eight years ago. The car started slowing down a little bit. My brother George got a heavy foot. You know, he's doing 90,

talking about Pepe, the chef. And all of a sudden, I'm like, what's going on with George? He's doing 50. Austin, I see this motherfucker getting into the right lane, and he's slowing it down a bit. All of a sudden, we were doing like 10 around that thing, and he was doing 10 on the streets in Newark, and I go, George. Are you okay? And he's like, not really.

That fucking edible hit me. I went out to get the tickets from World Corps, from Ari. He fucking left me that. He got so high and so panic, he just took off from there. That's what these edibles do to you. Not these two guys. They were sitting there yelling. screaming.

It was guys, it was like I'll be going to Philly fucking state. When I got home, you know how many fucking tweets I had from Philly yesterday? You know how many fucking Instagram people like, hey man, you come down here again. You hit us up.

What the fuck if some guy hit me? One of my Patreon guys works for the fucking Phillies. And he's like, Joey, you went to the game and you didn't fucking, there was one guy that went off on me. He was like, I I think the world of you.

I went to see you at Parks. You know, how day you come to Philly unannounced? How dare I come? I was like, dude, he's breaking on the street. But you knew I was coming. I didn't know you were going to a game. Yeah. No, no, I got to take the girls over with the softball team.

They're going to walk the field and run the bases. The Yankees, we all chipped in because the girls, you know, they're playing in a Christmas. I don't know. They're doing like a summer tournament. So like the following week, they inquired about going to Yankee Stadium and the girls running around the bases. It's an afternoon game.

It's just something nice. You know, but I do want to go to Yankee Stadium. I love the Yankees. I want to support the Mets. I definitely want to go to Baltimore. So I'm going to call my man Florentine. He's a Baltimore Oriole fan and go down there. I miss that stadium.

I haven't been in that stadium since the 90s. When I used to do comedy in Baltimore, and the guy would give me tickets and I would have $5 in my place. pocket and I would walk around and smell Boo Powell's ribs or whatever the fuck he cooks over there and wish I had a dollar so I could get something to fuck and eat. And you know, by the end of the night, I was talking to the ushers. I talked to the old guy. He was fucking phenomenal.

After talking to him, I told him, my guy, I need a retirement job here. Like, this is great. He loved that. I was looking at him and I'm like, how jealous am I am. He was a mailman for whatever. And then he goes, I retired. And after a year, my kids told me I couldn't say, at home no more. And I was

looking at him and I'm like, yeah, it's Memorial Day. This guy's working from four to maybe nine. Really? Yeah. Fuck, I would love to be one of those old dude I should. That's okay. I was standing yesterday. That was great.

Listen, I did a lot better than I anticipated yesterday. I really did. I was, but it's really weird how negativity works. How people try to talk you into, you. you know they'll paint the picture that is so horrible for you that you don't want to do anything but i'm happy i want i really want to thank the the people run that stadium and the Phillies i mean with the guy was like how day you come down

here unannounced uh they could have helped you out i don't want me help i don't want special boot i don't want my kid to grow there you know what i'm saying what good is going to a baseball game if you're going to fucking be an elitist what good is it if I'm sitting there my daughter in a box with glass and she's not sweating. You go to a baseball game to sweat. You go to a baseball game to yell.

You go to a baseball. You know, and these, like I hear the Yankee Stadium is a little, they're a little fucking woke, you know, for a New York stadium because you get all those New York people in there and they're a little woke. So, you know, I just, I grew up at Shea Stadium, guys. Yesterday, I relived fucking memories that, I didn't even know I had anymore.

How many games I went to Shea Stadium with my mother, and she'd drink and smoke pot, and I'd be embarrassed, and I'd disappear, and I'd go buy a Mets hat, and it was, it's just a really great experience, guys. I don't know what your financial situation is. I'm not here to, you know, but if you get a chance, you know, again,

it doesn't have to be the best tickets in the world. Shitty tickets. Your kids, they're going to fucking love it. I thought my daughter wasn't going to love it Holy fuck she was serious about it And they kept it in foul balls Like ten rows before us I gotta be honest here

She was hot like dad How come now taking the pitches Would throw the ball in there It was all ten rows before us in both directions And she wouldn't have a chance to fucking put the glove on and stuff So guys I was I was just blown the fuck away Like I said

whatever I was feeling from the week disappeared at a fucking baseball game. It's surreal. I took my uncle to see the Giants every year, twice a year. I took them to Dodger Stadium, and we watched all nine innings. And yesterday it went into ten innings. And guys, it was like nothing.

I was having such a good time around me that inside of me I didn't feel the heat. It really didn't matter. and my balls were sweaty. I came home to get a shower, and it was all fucking forgotten. And now I'm excited as fuck for this weekend, guys. I haven't been, I'm excited to see Joe.

I'm excited to get on stage. If I'm on a bomb, I'm going to bomb. I don't give a fuck. You know, I'm only going to do the best I can. I've written a couple jokes. I got a story of two, and that's the best I could do, you know. And then I got two or three weeks to prepare. for Bert's tour and then

we see what's left over in the summer. I'm really fortunate that I got a chance to go down there and open up for Joe. You know, they called me from the Chappelle camp. Really nice guys. The

guys from Live Nation that I'm friends with. I told my Jimmy's brother, Danny, we went out to lunch Friday and he goes, when will you know about Atlanta City? I go, well, it's 1 o'clock. Dave Chappelle goes up at 7 and I haven't heard anything yet. I go, if I hear anything, it'll be tomorrow at 3 o'clock.

I go, that's how those things usually are. Sure enough, when do you think my buddy from Live Nation calling me, 251 on Saturday? And he goes, hey, what are you doing? I go, nothing. He goes, if you like, Dave would like to have you come down, do the show. I go, do the show. I go, I just want him to come down and say,

I don't know. That was last fucking Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So last Saturday, like I said, they called already. My wife was going to a party, an 80s party or something. I mean, they already had plans. You know, Mike said if you need a ride, I thought about calling you, but I thought that your wife was working Saturday. So I was like, I had like three hours.

was George was going to get not get here until 5. And with George, it could be 5.30, quarter of six. So the show started at 7. So I didn't want to fucking be late. So I just passed on Saturday. And my friend Danny said that he went by there and he goes to show and started till late

because he went by like a 7.30. He said there was still 500 people outside trying to put their phones and bags and stuff. So they were running late. So I kicked myself in the ass then. And then Sunday I had some shit to do. pool was opening. I had plans. Joe Florentine had a party which we didn't even make that. We ended up just going to this softball thing and staying there.

And then they hit me up again Sunday with a text and said you're more and welcome to come tonight. But again, I was already buried in my family and events and what the fuck we were doing. So we had a pass. I heard the shows were great. Dave's always a fucking savage. Nellie was down there. next door performing. So somebody had sent me an email that Nellie said hello. So, you know, I blew it, but I'm really excited about this weekend. It's the MGM Grand. If you haven't gotten your tickets yet, it's myself, Tony Hinchcliffe and Uncle Joe.

I don't know. It's so one show a night, Saturday, one show Friday, 8 o'clock, be there, be square. The tickets are a little pricey. I get it. But it'll be a good time. Also, the Food and Beverage Festival down Atlantic City. Beer, beer festival. So that'll be a nice getaway for you guys.

Because that's Saturday and Sunday. So if you come down Saturday, if you get a cheap room, we'll be there. The new batch of fucking Rainbow Ruts is out. And I'm giving Mike the new batch of white truffle is out. White Truffle. I don't even know what percentage it is, but it's fucking up there. white truffles up there and I know for a fact a new rainbow ruts is like 37% 34% on the new white truffle so you know we ain't fucking around over at the ice cream shop

over at ziki with the laughing gas label everything is beautiful guys uh happy memorial day weekend I know some of you taking the whole week off because you got it like that suckers like us still got to fucking grind it out and that's it and that's it and that's it That's that. I hope you enjoy today's podcast. We'll get back to guests next week and what we're gonna fucking do for the summer. And that's it. It's onward and fucking forward cocktuckers. It's June 1st. The rent is due. That's it. Now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. Have a great week. All right. I want to thank you guys. Great podcast today. I had a great time telling your story. Philadelphia. Fucking the best. Where the brothers aren't held down either. That's

another great thing about that. Brothers are slinging dick with three hands in Philadelphia, and everybody loves them. The joint is brought to you by, Honored. Listen, when it comes to your health, we're here for you. Honored, I've been working with them for close to 11 years. Rogan turned me on for them, the Alpha Brain, the Shroom Tech sport, the Shroom Tech immune,

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I want to thank Honit. I want to thank Stevie D. Lion. I want to thank what the other company here. I don't even know anymore. Blue chew. That's right. Liquid Ivy. I want to thank all you guys

for having been on the show this weekend for your support. And I want to thank you guys. Have a great week. Enjoy the weekend. And I'll see you motherfuckers. Friday and Saturday, Atlantic City or Monday morning

back here on the joint. Have a great day. Uncle Joey loves you.