The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #170 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 22, 2014

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oh shit oh shit it's that time special edition church of what's happening now April 21st Monday the day the devil was fucked in the muffler and thrown into some river somewhere off the coast of new york

city you bad motherfuckers kick a leak that motherfuckerly bounce it Lee oh shit somehow some way keep coming up a funky as shit like every single day me oh stop it motherfuckers oh shit special edition audio's kicking I'm stoned to the gills I had a chocolate bottle they got candies and what you want to do What? I got a pocket full of rubbers And my home boys do too Oh shit Monday night cock suckers get it together

East Coast it's midnight I'm sorry I know you gotta get up and go to work in the morning Turn it off leave I realized that after we left today I was like he ate half for that 750 milligram And I went home My plan was I only slept four fucking hours Last night so my plan was

To when the podcast went kapits I was gonna go home Eat something Play with the baby till 9 and then taking that I hung up with the baby Like I always do I watch those ABC videos And all that shit

And the wheels on the bus Go around, then round The doors click, click, click I watched all that What I played with it And at 9 o'clock I went in me and gray I grabbed gray

And I said, Gray, we're taking a fucking nap Cocksucker And I finally popped my head up At 10 to 10 I couldn't fall asleep So I said fuck it I got up

I wrote the end of the chapter I sent some emails I got aggravated You know me though It was a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Then you called me. What happened? Oh, fucking. So that candy didn't work on you. A little bit, but not

really. It didn't take, it wasn't as good as a half of Gumi. No. No, not, God, those Gumi's. Any Gumi. Okay, as long as I know. But I was just, I thought I was going to get high because it started to kick in. And I was driving home from here because I had a piece of equipment at my house. So I went, I was driving home

on Moore Park, which, it's a really small street. And right at Laurel Canyon, this cop, pulled up next to me and his side view mirror hit mine on the left hand side on the driver's side shit so I was like fuck and it wasn't me I was stopped and he just hit it and I just like I froze it was a red light

and he stopped and when the green light came up I kind of pulled up and I was like I think it's okay guys and they were like pull over we're just to make sure I was like fuck so I pulled up into a little strip market I got out and if it had been broken I probably would have said let's just go because I didn't want to be high. You don't have a fucking anxiety attack

paperwork. So I just looked in luck. There was nothing wrong with it. But they, like I just left and I got paranoid, but you didn't get a, get out of jail free card and nothing of these cock suckers? I should have done.

Yeah, you got to do something. All I imagined was Ari yelling at TSA. I was like, would he fucking yelled to these guys? But I saw some, I saw a video tonight of like kids at a bar yelling at cops who who are arresting their friends.

And cops don't fuck around anymore. This guy, this cop tackled a kid and I was like, holy shit. So I was like, no, I'm just going to get out of here. Somebody put a video of a deer getting shot by a cop dude. Why do you people post those fucking videos at night?

What is the inside of it? Some idiot months ago posted the fucking zebra getting killed by the fucking giraffe. I don't get what people. I don't like that shit. I don't want to see nobody suffering. You know what I'm saying? You know who's the worst?

And she's great. Melissa Eva Perez from San Jose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every fucking day on Facebook Two kids kidnapped and burned And it's like Oh yeah, she's the kiss of text She loves that shit

I'm like why are you posting that stuff But it's just It was a crazy day But fuck it we're back No we're back I'm sorry about the audio That shit fucking happens You know what I mean I can't control it

I didn't get any fucking What is unbelievable You are? No I'm straight But it was Yeah I went home My knee is fucked up I put ice on it

When I went home When I woke up I put level elevated. Then at about 1 o'clock, I got bored to death about 12.30. And the heat of the sun, I went outside, started doing kettlebell swings. Just sweating, and I fucking started doing it. Is that okay for your knee? Clean.

You know what, man, I got to do something to move the blood around. Because walking hurts a little bit, and I was taking a hit in the bag at the Y. I just didn't want to lose my parking spot. These motherfuckers by my house are notorious dog. I'm fucking anti-anxiety. I am anxiety written over my parking lot. I will rather sit home and eat nothing than get in my fucking car and lose that parking spot. I hold on to that mother.

That's how you know you're getting fucking old. Oh, yeah. I'm doing two things lately that are just embarrassing to even talk about. But I'm going to talk about. What else are you doing? I'm doing not leaving the house because I don't want to lose my parking spot. Yeah. In front of the house.

I like that spot in front of the house. I will kill a motherfucker for that spot. But I will walk to the bodega and get like, you know, stupid shit, so I don't have to leave the house. I got enough food at the house. And I'm stealing. Sweetness from fucking restaurants when I go on the road. You put it in a little napkin in case they break? No, I put my fucking pocket.

It is the weirdest thing because every coffee, every fucking hotel room I go down on the road has a croon egg or a fucking coffee machine. But there's only like two sugars and stuff? They give you two fucking sugars. Like you're sitting there at midnight trying to drink coffee, watch a law and order, and there's no fucking sugar. So now you've got to call room service.

They won't open the door because you got no Do Not Disturb. So it takes them 20 minutes. They go right back downstairs and call you. How are you. disturbs son is on. Then you come back up. Now by the time I put the fucking thing in, the coffee's goddamn cold, so what was the

point of it? I just get aggravated. So I think I got a box of fucking sweetenlow at the house. Do you think I put it in my suitcase? Fuck, no. I leave it home every goddamn week. And then I go on the road and I realize at fucking 12 o'clock, and I need a little coffee because I like drinking coffee at night.

One cup before I go to bed, I sleep like a fucking soldier. Nice. Because it takes me up, and then right down I crash, baboon. Oh, okay. You follow the fact? That's a whole school mentality.

That's cocaine days. You go up, what goes up must come down, cock's sucking. When I was testing the audio and waterboxer called, just because I was bored, I didn't want to talk to it to myself. And he was telling me a good wing, because he was telling me how he does the edibles, and he goes down. I'm like, how do you do it?

He says he drinks like an energy drink right after he eats the edible. So it's like a heroin brings down, cocaine brings you up. It's like a little mix. So that's how he walks around. That's good for him. I don't know. The water bottle of them. Did he call the podcast today?

He just called me. I was just testing the audio. He wanted to see what was cracker-lack and with you. Yeah, I put it up on Twitter. But something weird happened today. I was never really emotional. But as I get older, I want to hear what you have to say about 9-25. What older?

I don't know. I'm older. That's what everyone says. Everyone says I'm young, but I feel old. The Boston bombing thing, they had all the videos today of the marathon. I started getting teary-eyed. I wasn't there for it, but just seeing the pictures and the people hugging. Like, you weren't in New York for 9-11.

But how did that affect you? I was pissed. Really? I didn't get pissed that morning. I was pissed later on because I know what it does to people. Those people that were walking around that day, you know, I got pissed when I heard the stories and I'm taking the ferry over. Like, they were just fucking frozen. I can't imagine being at the Boston Marathon last year.

That was the one of the most thoughtless. things who knows why they did it who the fuck knows these people nowadays yeah who the fuck knows I did stupid shit when I was 21 I would never think of doing something like that for kicks but who knows what their motors were and whatever and they have a show on NG whatever discovering that National Geographic about them getting caught did you see it from Nogh Zee pretty fucking interesting and how they they shot the kid and blah blah blah and the other kid went into a fucking boat and hid and how the pictures, the FBI saw the pictures,

and when the bomb went off, those two didn't move. Yeah. That's how they knew it was them. It was very interesting how the FBI catches you. And now, you know, man, we got fucking cameras everywhere. You got cameras everywhere. You have to assume there's a camera watching you at all times. Even a black and white little fucking porno camera

that won't see your dick or your hair, but it sees you and it'll fucking show you in court. You know, some guy will come in and clear it up in fucking court. So who the hell knows, Lee? I just, my heart goes out. So the Boston Marathon was today, correct? Yeah, it was today. And you know what?

I'm going to piss some people off. But, and tell me, if I'm wrong, tell me. But just seeing all those people out there and something I don't see out here. I don't know what it is, but East Coast people in the towns, like, there was so much pride for Boston. And it just, it made me, it made me, like, I started tearing up. And I just made, I don't feel that out here for people from this city. So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I just don't interact with them.

It's an empty city, man. I have a lot of problems at this city. I have a lot of problem with friendships in this city and how they work, how everything is to let people know that they know you. After that, there's no friendship. There's no friendship. You know, when I grew up, those are friends I had around me. Those motherfuckers, I could count them for anything.

I had a great time with them when I went out. You know, when I went out, I had a good time with them from the heart. Here, I see people for a few hours, and I feel their fucking death. I feel because maybe things aren't going their way. When I'm around, people who sold their fucking soul, I leave them and I feel like shit for three or four fucking days. People sell their fucking soul. That's the people you fucking people clap for and cheer for and jump up and down for.

These people sold their souls. You're like, Joey, what do you mean? The devil showed up with a pen? No, no. Somewhere along the line, they ignored something, something natural that comes over you because they thought what they were doing, is completely better than what somebody like you, somebody at home is doing.

You know, they have this air to them that they're better than everybody because they have $3 or because they're on TV or because they've done a movie. And I've never understood that. For me, it's always been about the job for me. It's not because I'm better anybody. I've lucked out. I'm not even close to doing that shit. But I just, that's what I don't like about it.

And that's why when you go to a Dodger game, people leaving the sixth fucking inning. You know, that's the big knock. about the Dodger games and yeah parking is hard and walking out of it is hard but it's like that they're Johnny come lately fans there's a word for those type of people it's like bandwagon it's like after the Boston Red Sox won the Boston Red Sox hat now is fucking as big as the Yankee hat maybe you know because everybody wants to wear Boston for years when they were losing nobody wore Boston Red Sox hat you understand me it's amazing the loyalty that we have here we have no loyalty

like I said it's between me getting the job or you getting the job how bad-mouthed fucking Lee to get the job even though I've known you for 15 fucking years you know yeah I look at this town I could tell you I probably have four close friends you know and you're one of them you know I'm saying Ari I mean that that the rest of just fucking acquaintances because I know I look at somebody and I know if I ever gotten a beef and I had to call them to bail me out the cash wouldn't be that they'd hang up and make up a story how they couldn't get the ATM card didn't work and then I would look at them weird I would never look at them the same way so that's why I don't even put them

close to me because I know these people aren't worth their weight in gold. It's fucking amazing the things you hear out here and the things that you go through out of here on the commitment level on different levels of acting and stand-up and, you know, how for some people this is a flash in the pan and you'll see them three years later and they don't even do this no more. They're doing something completely different now because this was too hard or this is for faggots or you got to be gay to be in Hollywood. You know, you don't need comics and come and fucking gone and you see them years later, are you still

out there and they make a little, yeah, I'm still out here, bitch, doing nothing in the sun lifting fucking kettlebells while you're out here sweating your fucking life all. I got insurance, I got a fucking pension. I wasn't supposed to have things like that. You heard my fucking story. You know what I'm saying? So, I don't know.

Yeah, I understand what you're coming from. I don't give a fuck if you get the heat, no. And there's some solid people out here. Oh, it's not the people, but it's, maybe it's because I... I've met a lot of people that aren't in the entertainment business that are very solid. Oh, yeah. When I go to town's like Whittier and all those places to do comedy.

I meet some fucking solid people. Do they have LA Pride? Like, coming from Boston and stuff, I always... Like when it comes to... But then again, you know, when you go to a Laker game, it's more to be seen. That's what people understand about out here. But that's going on with the Knicks, too.

God forbid, you don't have the first three rows in the Nick game and people can't see you on TV and you're drinking a beer and you're cheering and you're young. You know, I never saw what that's all about. I'd rather stay home. I'd rather be on some fucking... I'd rather be on a fucking couch with you smoking a joint goofal on you and talking about stupidity, about a podcast or something.

That's been the way with me constantly. It's really surprising when people go, I want to go into the green room or I want to hang with you guys after a show. Listen, since I've known Rogan, I don't do nothing. They used to go to strip clubs, and then as the years, they progressed, they go to a bar, then we go back to the hotel, and then you start doing less and less things, you know. There's no fucking party here.

It's amazing how. I said that in Tempe. We were sitting there after the show and everyone was just quiet in the room and after the show you're like, you're hungry? And I was like, eh. And we just all went back to our rooms.

And I was like, this isn't like, I thought it was going to be a big party and hang out to five in the morning. No, the party's the comedy show. Yeah. That's the fucking party. That the party is doing the show and then going home.

Like I've said a thousand times. For years, I would consider those things real party. And after a comedy show, I'd go party. And guess what? By Saturday night, you're paying 20. $22 to come see me and I'm sucking. Yeah. I'm sucking because I'm tired.

My fucking mind's not straight and that's what happened to me for fucking years, man. What do you think? People just get funny? No, they put all the elements together. Maybe they were funny and they couldn't put a joke together. Maybe I could put a joke together

but the dedication of my commitment. Yeah, there's so many things. Then comes a point where one day you get sick and tired of being sick and tired and you put five of the seven elements together and you move a little forward. And that's what you help me do. That's what we did.

You understand me? But that's the whole thing of it. And that's with boxing. That's what happened with Robbie Lawler. He's been around for 12 fucking years. Knocked the motherfuckers got out, getting beat up, getting submitted. Comes back to the UFC.

The guy's got a fire in his eye. Okay. He just lost the last fight for a championship round. But he's 32 years old. He's not going anywhere. He learned from that fight. He learned the same way how when Johnny Hendricks lost to GSP. He learned.

Yeah. I'm sorry I'm using the MMA things, but you learn. You learn as you go across. And even if you lose trying something, now you know when you attack it again, you know what to look out for. You know, there's people that try to escape from Cuba all the time. And maybe the fucking float won't last past 50 miles. Now they've got to go back to the drawing board. We've got to wear more glue or more this.

You know, guys, you're not going to get everything the first time. And I learned today, I was thinking about it today, how big experience was. because when I got home I was thinking about it I didn't really panic when this happened the biggest thing I complained about those jobs I had but the big like you learn that stuff is going to happen

and if you freak out if you if you overreact it hurts you on what level on at least for me if I overreact and I start getting worked up and I start playing with everything I'm not going to see

like when you lose something at your house I always went around and he pull everything apart You throw everything around You're sick You're like You relax You relax You breathe and you retrace your steps

And you'll find your fucking keys It's amazing I do it Especially even with cell phones Oh yeah Cell phones I walked out of cars And go what the fuck I left my cell phone right there

It really is amazing So you know People want to try shit And it doesn't succeed It takes years To be a good comic The way it takes years to be a good fighter It takes years to be a good writer

But that's the thing Like you probably, even when you were sucking 15 years ago, you learned something at one show that comes up now and you're like, oh, I'm not going to be freaked out about the lesser. Yeah, no, no, no. I remember being in Jacksonville, Florida, and going on into the audience and seeing, I used to judge the audience.

I used to judge the fucking audience, and it used to judge me, and I'd bomb. So do you understand me? I'd go out there and I go, look at all those older people with white hair. they're not going to like my material. I just lost. I just got hit with the biggest punch, which is I lost before I even went on there.

Yeah. And then I go, I won't look at them. And it was just so many things, and I would eat shit because I wouldn't do my material. I'd speed through the joke. I wouldn't take my time. And now I see old people. You saw what happened in Tempe.

Yeah. Those old people that were there. And I went out there and saw them, and I go, I'm going to pull it back. And I go, fuck no. I'm going to open up this month. motherfucker and vow. Because you could always

close the valve, but you can't open it. You follow him saying to you? It's like acting when you're going to an audition and you walk in. Sometimes if you go in and the character's loud and you go in there the first time, he's going to get mad of director because you're not loud enough or you're not, your energy isn't that high.

Okay. I can't do nothing with you. If your energy's high coming in, I could push it backwards. Yeah. But if you're not, you follow the state of mind. We're talking about it. night church of what's happening now Monday April 21st

where's Tony Bennett cock sucker there's no Tony Bennett tonight what happened you're slipping this is what I'm talking about where is it's coming hold on it's coming it's supposed to be fucking lined up and prepared I'm sorry we came up late today the audio but who the fuck I'm not sorry shit happens I hope you motherfucker stayed up Monday is Monday we got till midnight to put this together I'm still gonna fire you up you're still gonna go out there on Tuesday I want to stab the motherfucker in the neck it's the church with the Jew Where's the water?

To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart Some somebody twice as smart As I A somebody who will swear What's up, cocksuckers You're home You gonna kick that up a little bit?

Okay, sorry. What the fuck? He got me over here like I'm deaf. You're gonna eat the rest of that candy and throw it away. You'll leave it there for the ends. I'll leave it. Any other shit to eat here?

We got nothing easier, no more. I'll bring you something strong. Oh, good. We got Ed Suarez calling. Nice. I love Ed Swares. Two, see how he doesn't. What's going on, wait?

Turn that shit off. What's going on, my brother? I already lit a candle for the old lady. I put some glasses of water out You know me I get it done out of the fucking way easy What's going on with you my brother? I just fucking

And I know we've talked about this a lot But The weight thing for me is It's always been there Like I've never What'd you do with that pot roast? I know you ate that man No, it's in my car

I was gone now Yeah You might as well just dump it Because your car smells Well no Because so here's like it's I I think everyone has their addiction

Sort of thing And for me it's I think part of it's an addiction. I think most of it's laziness, honestly. But ever since, like you and Terry, it must just get to a point after a bunch of years where you don't go out as much. But ever since I started going out,

I put the weight back on and I just... Luckily, I have... I think the thing that some people don't have, like when you go on TV and you see, like, to a thousand-pound person, is I luckily, when I get to a certain point, I'm like, okay, I got to bring this back. I'm so trust me I shouldn't let it get to this point but it's uh luckily I I feel like

I have that in my brain where I'm not I don't think I could get to a thousand pounds I probably could but it's just uh so I've been working on that I uh I've talked to people about joining a gym I would love to get a bike but the people around here are crazy so I don't I don't know what I'm going to do I just start with walking it all starts with it's not If you can't walk, you're not going to go to a gym. If you don't walk, you're not going to go to the fucking gym. Just trust me. If you can't get yourself to walk, what's going to get you to get you in a car to drive to a fucking gym to be around people who look like David and Goliath to fucking work out?

Yeah. You got to start walking. And I tell I'm saying to you, I haven't been pushing you. I've been telling you go for a walk. For last two months. What have I been telling you? No, and it's, it's easy to the world. I don't get what the fuck about what's going on or who you're busy.

You get out of here at 9 o'clock, the car ain't going nowhere. Walked the 10th planet. Go read the fucking wall and walk back. That's it. This isn't hard. Today with my bad knee. I was sitting there. I wrote.

I emailed. I'm sitting there. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? I sat outside. I tried to write a joke. I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? I went upstairs. I took two fucking baby aspirants.

It was about 12, 15. I went downstairs. I rotated my knees in all directions. I did these hip things. I fucking stressed a little bit. And I said, fuck it. You know, the knee's going to hurt whether or not I work out or not.

I might as well working out a little bit. I'm not going to jump fucking ladders and be Johnny Gumba, but I'm going to work get the blood going. I did 10 sets of swings, and I did fucking five sets or six sets of cleaning jerks. It got nice and sweaty.

It took me 35 minutes. I picked up a 45, and the 35. I walked 50 yards and 50 yards back, and I put the weights in the car. And I was done for the day. Yeah. And I don't, you know what, I didn't eat sugar today. You know, I ate that fucking chocolate bar,

and I ate two of those things with 10 calories apiece. I don't drink soda no more. I was telling my wife today, the only way not to give your child to stop your child from drinking soda is by not drinking soda in front of him. Yeah? I had a, my mom made a mistake with me. You know, it was funny.

I took my friend, Ed Rancaccio, to the fights with me this weekend. He also came to the show. I haven't seen Eddie in probably 25 years. and he lives in Orlando and he contacted me about a month ago and we were going back and forth and I got him tickets for the show and then Joe said,

do you want to take somebody at the UFC? So I got him tickets. And we're talking on the phone and he goes, do you're friends and the people you talk to know how spoiled

you were when you were a kid? And I go, yeah, I think they know. You know, I've said it a thousand times to people. I love my mother. I miss my mother. If I tell you that

for 30-something years, I don't miss my mother. When people talk about their moms and they don't tight with them, I get pissed off, them because I don't have a mom. You only get one shot of being a good son. And I failed at that, you know.

God knows how she's looking at me from up there, whether she's in her hell or purgatory. I don't think you failed at that. And, well, I didn't go to, you know, I didn't do what her dreams, or whatever. But if my mother wouldn't have passed away, I would have been a different human being altogether. I don't think I would have been doing what I'm doing now. You know, for me to become what I'm doing now, I had my ass lit under the fire. You know, we talk about all the time about our mutual friend.

We have a mutual friend that will not quit his job. And he's lived in this town for 15 years, and he's had very minimal success. And the guy is talented, but I'm telling you, it's because he hasn't quit his job. Because he doesn't have the iron, the fire under his fucking ass. So whenever he goes into those audition rooms or he does all that shit, and he goes all the way to the end, his mind doesn't take the mile because they're comfortable. and he's never going to move forward until he quits that job. Never.

It's going to be, he never going to book nothing. When he goes in there and that hunger is shown, that hunger shows for a reason, man, and people buy it. Like if you're selling something and people see you're desperate, they smell it on you. Yeah. But when you're an actor or you're a comic or you're,

that desperation becomes motivation. Do you follow what I'm saying? That desperation becomes motivation. If I have a gram or blow and I got to sell it, to you to eat tonight. I'm going to sell you that grandma blow. Do you understand me? What I was lacking in my career as a stand-up comic wasn't the funniness. I wasn't that I wasn't selling nothing. I wasn't telling nobody about it. I wasn't telling nobody. What was it? This podcast gave me the first level of telling some people what was in my heart. And if you get on board

or you don't, writing and tweeting and shit like that tells people. And I say some fucked up things, but my heart's in the right place. Do you know what I'm saying? So it's just it's just really weird that I would have been a complete different personally because I was soft man but because my ass was little into the fire you know I understand I still don't wear underwear today

I have a box underwear at the house brand new ones and I wear them to work out because all my dick looking like Arnold's and shit you remember when they took a picture I'm on TMZ with his dick moving around in Santa Monica that's why you wear underwear and but the reason all those years I didn't wear under was because I knew I could do without

I got to learn what you could do without me you can move forward. That's why when people tell me, I need to do this, I look at them and go, what are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about? You know, my uncle,

who we did the interview here with that time, my uncle gave me the biggest lesson in life. And he's like, I'll help you. I'll help you with what's coming to you. But all your luxuries, you're not going to get a dime out of me. Weed, booze, the movies.

You know, I'll give you a place to stay and I'll fucking feed you. And that's what, you know, I had to learn how to get on my own. A lot of people don't know how to do that. We had this discussion today. A lot of people don't know how to leave in the daytime at 8 in the morning and come back with 50 bucks i will leave this

motherfucker tomorrow at 8 in the morning i'll come back with 48 bucks but i'll come back with something even if i got a rob a fucking purse at 5 o'clock because that's the way you know when i was out that's how i was banging it so now i took that same energy and i twisted it over to this and i put it into stand-up for years when i was out here that's why i don't understand when stand-ups go away on the weekend i don't know about weddings i don't know about these things you know we had an interesting thing, talk to this one about guys with sports that when I was in Boston some guy came up with me. He was like, not for nothing.

You ever heard Dean on your fucking show? You know, why don't you ask him about the early calls? You know, it's ruining an MMA. And I looked at him and I go, don't you owe your credit card. Don't you owe credit card. Do you not owe credit card money? Yeah, then why are you worried about Herdeen? He ain't worried about you, bitch. He ain't worried about you. These guys

that are into sports and they call up, I took the third draft pitch of me. Do you owe money? Yeah. Then what are you doing on the phone? You're talking about sports. You fucking. What the fuck is wrong with you? And I learned what was important and what wasn't important and what you could do without. That's why a year ago I was telling you on a Sunday.

I don't know what it is to sit in front of a fucking... When I went to the UFC this week with Joe, I'm very thankful. He gave me a ticket and I went and sat. But by the third fight, there's got to be something else I could be doing to make fucking $3. There's got to be something. People at home are like Joey, don't you relax? What fucking relax? What fucking relax?

That's what the problem is with people. Everybody wants to fucking relax. Everybody wants to go on vacation. Everybody thinks they have a vacation coming to them. I never seen nothing like this in my life. People, I have friends that go away in Jersey every eight months. Like they think they have a vacation coming to them. Then you talk to them and tell you how rough life is.

Yeah, but, you know, we're saving money because it's tight right now. He got his overtime cut. Then what the fuck are you doing in Bali? Yeah. What the fuck are you doing in Bali if you got your overtime cut? I don't understand prioritizing in life, you know? So we'll be talking about. When they get me stuff?

You get me over here, Ohio, and shit. I mean, I don't know what it is for other people, and we were talking about it, and it's just, I could blame food addiction, and I think that's part of it. You got no food addiction. You got no food addiction. Definitely. You don't eat in the morning. I don't know what the fuck you're eating. I know you're eating chocolate bars somewhere, you know, but I tell you what the problem is, Lee, you don't want to move.

I love you, like my brother. And for the love of Christ, I never seen anything like that. I work hard, but I'm a lazy motherfucker. I love... You cannot. We live in California. How the fuck of you? There's days I call it.

Have you been on the son? No, and you giggle. And I got to tell you, that ain't nothing funny. Yeah. It's embarrassing. It's just how I am. You haven't show it.

Oh, well, that was this week. And I shower out of day. No, I don't give a fuck. You got to wash that ass when you wake up in the morning. That's part of being, you know, cleanliness is next to godliness. And then at four, you got to take another shower. Even if you didn't do nothing.

That asshole gets stinky and those balls get fucking stinky. You never spend a weekend if your wife isn't home? Not in a million fucking years would allow that to happen. You have at 2 o'clock at night you scratch that nut and smell your fingers and see if you're going to go to bed with that stink nut on your fucking... Are you crazy?

No, I mean... Are you fucking crazy? I agree with a lot of what you say. Sometimes... That's part of getting up. That's part of getting moving. That's true. That's true. That's part of getting moving. How can you not take a shower? That's part of the whole movement. That gets you going. The blood hits the circulation. You bend over. You

You wipe your ass, you clean your toes. That's the fucking initial. You put your clothes on. You go out, you see the sun. You say, Lord, thank you for giving me a fucking other day in this miserable fucking life. I'm going to take this and I'm going to make this day into some. And you walk around the block and you're back in a half hour. And you moved.

And now that doesn't give you a green light to go eat a fucking yum yum donut like I used to do. I used to walk the yum yum donuts. That's not a bad move. You know, you're coming plus the fucking points. Sure. But if that's what it takes to get you out of the house. Yeah. Then so be.

If you tell you, me and Terry used to do it way before the moon. You fucking moved up here and I was down the walking bench before my knees got fucked up, we would walk every night to Yomilmil, get it done and then walk home. Yeah. I have to get, I've never had, I've never gotten in the habit of, I'm in the habit of hanging out and being on the computer and watching TV. I need to get in the habit of getting out. I feel like if you do it every day, then it doesn't feel like hard. And dog, right from here.

Right from here. You got nowhere to go at 9. Right from here. Diagistino's coming at 10. You're sitting here in this fucking darkness. Get out. Go for a walk down to 10th planet. 10 planet Burbank is down the corner.

Go see a little dragons down there jumping up and down, and you walk back. And it's what? It's 20 minutes when you really think about it. And it's weird because I like walking to that weed store by my house. And sometimes if I'm right in the morning, I go, fuck it at 10 o'clock. I'll walk over to the weed store, even if I don't eat wheat. I'm not smoking weed. I just walk over and get like a cookie.

put it in my desk just to get me out Lee that's why I just to get me out I was always big but that I put weight on here because in Boston I'd walk I had to walk everywhere no there's no here it's very weird but you know I don't know what are you going to do in a gym if you join the gym

what exercise you're going to do what are you going to focus on it's just cardio so biking I've heard spin class is really fun I see that's the thing I don't even know where to start I just I honestly just need cardio right now now I think. Just walk. Just start with walking. After you walk 30 days,

then we'll go join the gym and we'll see where you're at that. Something that, you know, to have a beginner's class to get you in slowly. You know, you're not gonna, you're a young guy. So in a year you'll be in a lot better shape than I'm in no matter what the fuck you do. You know what I'm saying? I'm not even in good shape. I'm just saying

that. I try to do cardio, but I'm still breathing heavy. I'm not going to lie to nobody, you know. That's why I was on that dog thing for a while because I felt like it would force me to get out of the house, but it's just, it's so much, so much responsibility. I wouldn't want, now, no, if I don't go out, get out of the house, they have the fucking, the pee-pads, it drives me nuts.

So people don't leave the house now with the dogs, and it's just, uh, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's a really, it's a lazy culture. Fucking, they have those websites, you can get food delivered 24 hours a day. It's an easy thing to do to put on the weight. It's fucking, you don't, I, if I didn't want to, I could not leave the house. In the back of your mind, do you think at times television and media wants you to be heavy at times? Fuck yeah, because then you're out, you're at home. You really feel that?

You're watching TV. I mean, I'm not really big into conspiracy theories, but if you're not out there protesting or if you're not out there, if you're just sitting at home watching TV, looking at the ads, you're not really, you're not doing anything. You're not going to notice them doing stuff. You're going to, you know, you're not going to get mad at them for doing stuff. I really think that I really think entertainment is a way to make us Especially with the phones

It's a way to make us not notice things Like especially at the airport When everyone's looking at their phone That's why I think people don't get mad at TSA Because you're just doing that That's why I don't put Facebook I have Twitter on my phone I have a hotmail on my phone

That's it All those other avenues I do not have on my phone I don't want to be on my phone all day I don't want to be part of the internet All fucking that That's why I do what I got to do in the fucking morning, and I get to fuck off that. I get to fuck off that.

You know what? If you do look at it all day, there ain't nothing on there. There's nothing. There's nothing. Nothing that has nothing. Lindsay Lohan lost her kid while she was, she lost 18 fucking kids.

She was doing blow for 30 fucking years. All of a sudden she lost their kids. She didn't have sperm in her. You know, no. And the big thing, people learn it at work, because there's no real, the biggest thing I've learned doing this, is yeah I'm making less money

but I'm happier and I get more done there's no reason to be in an office for 40 hours 60 hours a week no a lot of that time is spent on the internet so fucking you find the things you go look at menus yelp is great but yelp a lot of people are just looking at the foods

and it's uh how many times I looked at yelp none the times I look at Instagram none I don't have Instagram yet it's ridiculous you let come into your life to distract you what you left to come into your life, to distract you. And there's things that you know you have to do,

you just refuse to do them. I talk about me. I've been having a lot more success lately when I just open up my page to write than when I connected to Twitter and Facebook, a little something for the fucking late night crowd. You know what I'm saying? Let's take.

Ooh, yeah. Tremendous. I'm going to mark that chair for one move. That's your chair. You like that, I'll have a cock second. It's probably marked already. It's probably melting. The leather is melting.

The Corinthian leather. Yeah. But what are we talking about? Just how, how fucked up technology is. And the thing is, it's kind of like what you were talking about earlier, where people who get entitled when they sell their soul, it's really fucking easy and it's really fucking entertaining now to watch a clip or watch a movie or do all that stuff on your phone.

And it's, it'd be better not to. The biggest thing for me, I don't sit on the couch. I go home, I have my laptop and my phone on my bed. And I have a TV in the bedroom. That's even worse. Yeah, it's terrible. I have to get out of there. I don't spend any time in my living room.

I'm in my bed. It's just, it's comfortable, and it's fucking easy, and you've got to get out of there. How many bags of chips you got around in? I don't have any. I don't have, I got jelly beans, got peanut butter, marshmallows. I have no food in my room, but Paula yelled at me because I wanted to get a mini-fridge for drinks in my room. She's like, you can't fucking have, it's two steps. It's ten steps to the fridge.

I was like, okay, but I thought about it. I wanted to fucking make a kid. You're young. You're young. You know, I can't believe some of this shit. I can't believe it. It's not, maybe it's a generation gap. You know, maybe it's, but I can't believe it at times.

And it's getting worse. I honestly think it's getting worse. That app, people told you about Vine, the video one, there's six-year-old kids on it. So there are parents who maybe aren't home, with their kids or they have to work too much and I think people are just gonna get fatter.

Honestly, I think in a few years, I mean, that's why movie theaters are putting new seats in this because people are too fat to sit in them and they have to put bigger cup holders in it. It's amazing. I don't remember coming from Cube, I don't remember that shit, but I remember my mom going, you know, you could stay in front of the house

and it went, you know, you went out all day. Yeah, I never did that. You went out at 8 in the morning and you played till 12 and you went up and got a sandwich. Then you went back outside and you played again until dinner time and then if you were lucky, your mom will let you go right back out and you ran and every day you pushed.

I'm crossing the street. I'm across on Broadway in New York City. My mom going, do not cross Broadway. What? As soon as she put stuck her head back inside, I counted the 10. I would run right to the corner and we'd run across the street and run back. That's why when I see these lazy motherfuckers

waiting for a light and walking like dump-da-dum-da-dum. fucking go crazy. Like the ones that by the library, when I'm walking over, you know, those things that they have, those yellow things across the street, that you have to stop your fucking car.

And there's always some kid with a backpack walking that should be running across the fucking street. Like I used to run across the street. There was no 30 second light that blinked and told you. 28, 27. Stop.

You ran across that motherfucker. There was no instruction. You took a chance, bitch. Yeah. You took a fucking chance, you know? So now you don't, I did all that. And then when we moved to Jersey, it was until 10 o'clock at night.

To 10 o'clock at night. When I was in Fort Laude, I was talking to Kathleen Kelto's. And she goes, I remember hearing the basketball, they lived right next to the basketball court. And my father having to go out there and go, guys, really? And it was you. And he would see, fucking Coco, he won't go home. You know, when I wanted to be good at basketball, I knew there was only one way they'd be good at basketball. You had to play fucking basketball.

Yeah. Jerry West took 300 jump shots a day. 300, boom, beside the games and the running and the riding the bike and the layups and the fucking sprinting. He took 300 jump shots a day. That means he jumped 300 fucking times a day. I did that every day for four fucking years, five fucking years. From the seventh grade to like junior year in high school, even when I wasn't playing, I would get a ball and go out there in the winter when I would shovel the fucking courts.

You want me to get people to call in here and tell you how me and Chuck. McBreen used to shovel the fucking... Better yet! We'd walk to like a court that had good competition and we shovel the court so the kids in that neighbor could come out and we could play against them.

I'm going to have check and call in to tell you what the shit we were doing at 14 in the 8th grade. When I graduated in the 8th grade was one of the snowiest years ever. I didn't graduate in the 8th grade because I had to go to 5-star basketball camp and it started like June 28th.

You were out of school by June 10th, but it snowed so much in 78 that we were in school to the end of fucking year. June. Oh, wow. And it snowed, but what do you think guys like me and Chuckie and Wadi O'Donnell and Mahoney and David Ruiz, we stayed in? Fuck no. As soon as they called school night, we call, get your gloves, bitches. We wear all, it was so cold without the ball wouldn't bounce. You know when the oxygen in the fucking ball will not bounce. That's how cold it was out.

That's hysterical. So, I mean, that's, and so it started then with me. When I got to be about my junior year, I went from, uh, once my mother died. I started lifting weights with those guys my appetite went nuts and I went up to one one ninety four and one summer I want a can't I want a tuna fish American cheese and milkshake diet the whole summer I would drink a protein shake in the morning a scoop ice cream 16 ounces of milk three scoops of protein four eggs wheat germ fucking everything in that thing vitamin C fish liver oil and I just guzzled the you who I guzzle it down and then I eat a can of tuna with

with crackers, with no mayonnaise, just hot sauce for lunch. You have no fucking idea. I used to live with Danny Bianculo. You know, Danny that calls here? When I told the story about me sweating on his cousin, when I was doing fucking upside-down bench presses and I had a sweat bead on my nose. And when I went to handle the weight,

the bead went off my nose and into his fucking mouth. I mean, this is... So when did you start putting the weight on? When I moved to Los Angeles. When I moved to... Doug Stanhope has a picture of me in 97 that I was about two... 35. Then I immediately went up to about 265.

Because you're fucking driving. And I was okay. But I was also bad sleep. Bad sleep contributes to it, not drinking enough water. I wasn't taking vitamins. Zero exercise. Zero muscle because the more muscle you build, say, right now you're 25. You could start lifting weights for your weight loss program. I think so? I know so because you're going to lift light weights and do reps. So you fucking burn that fat. You burn that. Lifting weights? See, I don't even know.

This is how stupid I am. Lifting weights burns fat? If it's lightweight. Five sets of six builds muscle mass. If you drink protein, you know, people will argue it's 30 grams of protein five times a day to gain muscle mass, like real muscle mass, you know.

Now they have protein shakes that are 42 grams of protein and 58 grams of protein. When I was into it, it was 30 grams of protein per meal. 50 grams, and that's a lot. Like, if you look at a can of tuna and two eggs, it's 15 fucking grams. You still got to eat. what's going on? Is it sound bad?

No, it's fine. Because you're looking at it like somebody took you $10. Just checking. And that's what it is. So, like, when I went on this, when I was started at this weight loss, I was 418, and what I'd do is I'd go to the gym, to the YMCA, and I'd ride the bike every day more and more. Yeah, that's what I like. When I first one in there, it was three minutes, my friend. I was sweating, breathing heavy, dizziness, saying I'm wasn't going to come back in there.

But every week, I'd do an extra minute, and then you start doing a three. And then I would go on the punching bag, and I wouldn't move my feet. I would just move my hips. So I would be going, you know, like from here to here, boom. And I'd just be moving. I'd do it for 30 minutes. And that's it. And I stuck to my weight watcher points.

Yeah. I wasn't eating animals. And they're easy. It was fucking, it was very surprising how easy it is. And I understood why people just said, fuck it. I understand. Because nobody knows where to really start. Right.

It's hard. Especially for people who've never done it, it's it's a lot easier to do what you've been doing and it's uh and it sounds like I'm complaining I'm not I don't mean to complain about or whine about it it's just it's never been who I I'm always going to be a bigger guy I'm never going to be a weightlifter guy but I want to I do want to be healthier a bad guy you can't walk from here the car and be sweating profusiously you can't do that I understand like I said for years I lived across the street from the YMCA and I wouldn't go you know what I'm

what the thing that got me this weekend was when we went to Vegas I just by the grace of God didn't need the seabelt extender like it clicked and I was like fuck if I need the seabelt extender that's fucking that's a bad thing so I was like okay say that level again have you

did you ever have to use that at 418? Fuck yeah all the time when she was showing it I'd call her over as she was shown and put give that to Uncle Joey now I got three or four inches It's fucking amazing. Yeah.

It's amazing. And it was getting tight there for a while. About three months ago, it was tight there. When Terry had the baby, it was tight a little longer than three months ago. It really is fucking amazing, man, the weight thing with this country. But it's just uneducated. You know, people are just uneducated. Nothing.

It's nothing to do with laziness. Once you understand how easy it is that you have to burn more than what you put in and you find tricks, like if you've got to eat three apples to get started, then you eat three apples, bro. Yeah. You know, one thing about Wade watches I learned that's one of the greatest things. If you're not hungry enough to eat an apple, then you're hungry. Right. You know, then you're really hungry.

It's a beautiful fucking statement, you know. It's funny how you, this weekend I was writing, and I'm writing this autobiography. I was thinking about how I really never had anything about the latter years. I have all the things in the early development of what I was trying to accomplish, which I had no fucking idea. but I had no, nothing later on. And something on the plane, it was a long fucking plane

to a land off. It was riding in it. It made me think about 1993 and what my life was like and how simple it was and how that's when the beginning of this started. So, where were you in 93?

Okay, so at 91, I separated from my wife for 90, 91, 90, October, 90. By 91, I was doing comedy, I think. Oh, no, no, no. 91, October 91, I separated from her and I decided to go for it. And then I went into a cocaze and pills. And I went back east and I stayed with Georgie and Mike Ronnie for a while. And then I got my life together a little bit and I realized how badly I want to do comedy. And I was frustrated. You know, there's nothing worse than having a dream and you're fucking frustrated.

you want that dream to speed up, you know, you just want it to get to a place where at least you're coping. And I knew that I had a, you know, when I was in New York, those months, I was in New York for nine months, I'd hang out on stage eight times. And I'd walk around telling people I was a comedian, but I was just, you know, the addiction had me. And every time I'd go to do comedy, I'd stop in the city and buy coke. And by the time I got to the club, I'd do a line of coke and then run, leave. Oh, geez. You have no fucking idea. for you people were trying to get into anything,

whether it's playing the piano or going back to school. You know, we all fucking procrastinate. I don't want you to think that we don't, you know, one of the purposes of this podcast is we all put our pants on one leg at a fucking time. I'm sick and tired of this, people looking down and saying,

who gives a fuck? And I went back and I got this apartment. I dated this girl and she lived upstairs and she had moved out. One day I seen the landlord and he liked me when I was dating her. And I go, He goes, where you're, what's going on?

I'm looking for a place. He goes, I'm renting my down place 400 a month. And it was basically the Rocky apartment. Okay, it was basically Rocky's apartment. It was a small kitchen, a refrigerator, a living room with a door, and the bed. The bedroom was so small. There was no room in the bedroom. It was just a bed.

You just open the door, yeah. The door didn't open. I took the door off the hinges. The door covered. That's how small. I would just go over the bed and fall over. Yeah. And walked to the side and I had an air condition.

I bought it for $100 cheap. And the apartment worked for me. You know, it was that... And I think about that apartment. If I ever made money, I was going to go buy that apartment. Because there were so many aspects of that apartment that... First of all, the walls were littered with cocaine. Oh, yeah, was it the one of the wall?

I used to throw the empty packages and one night. I said, there's got to be cocaine in one of the packages. I ripped the wall down. And the landlord goes like, what happened? And he... Oh, nothing. The wall got wet. And it was also where my dream of comedy came from.

It was fucking bad. Like, it was just bad. I would go do these rooms at night. And I was dedicated at the time. At that time, I knew what I wanted to do. I knew what needed to be done. You know, I'd started comedy in July of 91. It was January of 94, and I had to fucking do something.

You know, my ex-wife was barking on me. I was 31 years old at that time. I was doing comedy three years. I wasn't really even committed to comedy. I was just telling people, that's why I'm okay with Jiu-Jitsu now. Because even if I go to Jiu-Jitsu once a week, I know as long as I go, that's the most important thing. You know, I wanted to go to class tonight.

I know my knee wouldn't hold it. I have an audition tomorrow. 11 o'clock for a great movie. I'll tell you about the second. Oh, cool. And I don't know if I'll make 1230 class, but I'll do something tomorrow. I'll hit the bag, and then I'll work out with John Evan on Wednesday.

I'll just do it private and work on sweeps and escapes and shit like that, because I know that when all this gets better, I put more time into it. Sometimes in your life, you can only do something once. It's when you say to me, I haven't been able to go. That's when I have to look at you.

You can go, come here for a second. There's seven days in a week. There's five classes. You couldn't make one of them. That's how busy you were, and you go, well, you can make one of them. One of them is all you need to keep you alive. If I go to one jiu-jitsu,

and I do two kettlebells and take a walk around, and then when I travel, I jump in the pool, I did my quota for the week. I stretched. I got the blood going, you know. And it was just really weird. I moved into this apartment, and I knew what I had to do, man.

I really had a go for it as a comedian. I had a day job. God knows what the fuck I did. I know drugs were involved. You know, I know drugs were involved. I'm not going to lie to anybody and tell you that. At that point, I was still a fucking nomad. I was still a fucking renegade.

So, but it got to the point where I respected comedy. I got to respect it and I knew that there was no fun, no money, no sucky. No sucky, no fucky. That meant if I didn't get on stage, it was just like when you were a kid and you told your mom you didn't go to school and at 3 o'clock you tried to leave and she goes, where are you going?

To play? You didn't go to school today, you're sick. Yeah, but I feel better than that. I can't take that thing. You're like, holy shit, she fucked me. Yeah, you were sick at 8. I wouldn't want you to go out and get sicker. Yeah.

Do you understand me? You're like, fuck. You know? Yeah. So I knew in my mind, there was no cocaine until I got on stage. And I had built this thing when I was in Boulder. And it was really weird. I was having a hard time.

That guy Matt Berry, Matt Woods, insulted me and told me I should just quit if I wasn't going to commit. And that really fueled me. And at that point, I was going anywhere to Dukon. I was going to poetry readings. I was a fucking animal. And I wasn't getting anywhere. You know, HBO wasn't calling. You know, I had 18 minutes of material, but HBO wasn't.

calling. You know, and it's so frustrating for people at home that whatever you want to do, whether it's ballet, and I would fucking go home and then at that time there was a comedy newspaper and I would read the paper and at the back of the paper and had all the comedy clubs and I would circle the ones where I wanted to go and I would cry because in my mind I was ready. Jesus Christ, I was so far from being ready. But in my mind I was ready. I just need HBO to see me of Jay Leno or somebody and I'm going to make it, you know.

And I think back at those times down, I'm going to go, how fucking retarded? Was I fucking crazy? You know, running those leasing. Yeah, there's people who are three or four years, they're running with people, but you always got to catch up. Some people are more gifted than others in the beginning, but somewhere along the line, that harder worker, if you slack,

I'll catch up to you, and that's exactly what happened. There was a ton of people who were better than me and they had the mechanics. And I don't even think I'm not good. I just got the mechanics and the basics down. My voice is higher. These are little things you learned throughout the year. But that apartment, Lee, that apartment meant so much

me. Like the day I die I guarantee my spirit's going to want to go to that apartment and just say goodbye because my heart was broken in that. Like I was at my bottom ever. That's where I lived when I punched John. That's where I lived when I was fighting with my wife. When the cops came, there was so many

breakdowns. My addiction was fucking horrible there. It was horrible on paper you should hate that apartment. No, because I owe it a lot. I owe it a lot because it didn't kill me. I didn't die in that fucking thing. You know, that apartment, I still remember getting in my car,

telling the land, well, I'm coming back in three months. I love that apartment that much. It was so nitty, so gritty, and it smelled like pain. And it was clean. There was no mice. It was fucking clean. Brand new carpet, the paint. I had a TV.

I had a bench for the dinner table. So if you came over to eat, I'd take the weights off. But when I was there, I put the weights on. I had a sunny turn of trying. I would lift weights, and I'd do bench press and bent over rows. I had two dumbbells. And I would lift weights. my living room. I had a couch I bought for 30 bucks in a fan. I had the air conditioner

room and in that refrigerator there was never food not once. In the two years or three years I lived there. It was just fat tie. That's when I used to drink two fat ties for every eight ball. You got a system? In those days I did. So, you know, it's, I think about that apartment and I think about the pain I had in that apartment, how I felt fucking stuck. And I really wasn't. I was just making my plan. You know, Fidel went into the mountains to make his plan. It took him like three years to make this plan. Then there was no stopping.

You know, and that's what I was doing in that little fucking apartment. So for people who thought I was procrastinating or whatever, I was just setting up my mind for what was coming. When I left an apartment, I never looked back from comedy. I never, ever looked back. It was like that was my basic training. I did it. On Mondays, I used to go to an Australian bar.

It wasn't really Australian. and it was just an Australian theme. Yeah. And they had a stage, and then the back, back, back. They had a little room built into the wall, like a cave, and there'd be 10 people there on Monday.

And I'd go there every Monday and do 15, 20 minutes. On Sundays, I used to go to a square line. Do you know what line dance is? Yeah. They used to have a line dancing class at some country bar. And I would go there,

and that's from 7th to 8, they did comedy after country line dancing. I would just drive there a bomb. But I went every Sunday. Tuesdays I go to Club 56 in Commerce City. They gave you a $25 gift certificate

For food And plus they bought your dinner that night So you could either drink Or whatever And then I hit somebody with a microphone In the head And they 69 me out of there Whatever 86 me out of there

And then on Thursdays was What's the Mexican bar in Burbank Across El Dorito? Oh my God El Torito How horrible of those fucking things You eat in there Your fucking intestine

Comes out of your asshole You gotta tuck it back in I went there for happy hours. Somebody told me about two years ago, go to the happy hour. I went there with my wife. I went there to one across on the Tonight Show.

I almost fucking died of herpes. No. What do you mean? No. Then the food there. It's horrible. Horrible. But they used to have an open mic

on Thursday nights, and they give you dinner, and the gift certificate for the following week. So that's why I did it every Thursday. It was 50 miles from my house. I would borrow $3 for gas for the ACRA. And I would drive all the way down there. You would drive there for free meal?

In the time. Yes, in those days you had to. And then Friday and Saturday, I wouldn't do comedy because that's professional comedian that. So sometimes I grabbed a guest set, but I was so fucking frustrated because I wanted more, and I wanted it fast. But that place taught me patience, so sometimes you just have to, I know I got a lot of emails from people and they're young people and they want to do this and they want to do that and they get frustrated. I got some really disturbing emails this week. And, you know, listen, man, it's like Lee said, when you lose your keys and you get frustrated, that's when you're not going to find them.

It's when you sit down, make a plan, take, you know, and it's tough for a guy like me to tell you because I never do this, but I do know that a man without a plan is not a fucking man. So whatever you're trying to get yourself into ballet, writing, fucking stand-up, tiptoe dancing, I don't fucking know, bow and arrows. You know, it's a process, and it's a slow fucking process. And if you want to rush it, yeah, you'll make some. some quick strides, but you're still going to have to put the timing at the end. So, you know what I'm saying?

Let me give some shoutouts, cocks of it. There's no call tonight. This is straight OG gangster. You know what I'm talking about? Dead Squad, Australia, and the rest of the Dead Squad community. I fucking love you, cocksuckers. Inside Billy's head, Joe Aaron, my buddy WWF guy, Mustafa Ochoa. I like it.

Leo Hernandez and Stephen Bues, you bad motherfucker. Bad motherfucker. I also want to give a shout out to Honitius. This weekend, I slept three hours Sunday, got off the plane, went home, did the turnaround 180 and stayed awake all fucking day. And I felt tremendous. I didn't take a nap. I went to dinner with the family.

I went to the park with the baby. On it works, guys. I'm sick and fucking tired. They're talking about how on it works. I'm sick and fucking tired. Sicken fucking tired, whether it's the Shroom tech, the alpha fucking brain, the ropes. They're coming out with new shit. They just did a breakthrough, not a breakthrough, a breakthrough.

press release on the on the on the on the alpha brand you know the shroom tech sport I took the shroom tech whatever immune because I was going to be on the plane and Disneyland and Disneyville with all those fucking kids so I took fucking shroom tech immune for the plan and stuff guys if you're not fucking around with honor you're slipping you're really slipping go to the honor go to honor dot com look at all the shit they got available then go to joey dears.net there's a box there go to that box and press in church C-H-U-R-C-H you're 10% sent off plus you get on the list they got to stay on a program where we send your stuff at the

first of the month honor is great we're not fucking around go to honor dot com go to joey dears dot net look at the tour dates maybe i'm coming to your fucking hometown whatever the hell you want to jump up and down take an edible with uncle joey lee's going to austin with me fuck yeah you know shit like that so go to joey deers dot net and see what we got also for you fucking bearded motherfuckers lee included dollar shave club dollar shave club it was fucking listen people hit me up with emails every rethinking me for anything anything whether it's dollar shave club Hulu on it because you know I don't fuck around go to dollar shave club they got three different packages to you why you're fucking around they can make you look like Liberachi

look at me I'm an ugly motherfucker but the skin is looking a lot better you think that's because I'm doing something yeah I'm drinking water but that shave butter tremendous for the ingrown fucking hairs okay the shavers they come one dollar six dollar and nine dollar three different packages for your fucking budget you know what you can't do the dollar one you can't do the dollar a month with just 12 a year, then you know what? You deserve to grow a beard

and fall asleep. And wake up when you're 80 like every about frame, you fucking mom-mo. They got a $6 plan. You get the razor once a month, plus you get four packages. How many razes?

Four razors a month with two fucking blades. If you get the $9 package, you get the four razors with the double blades and the alo strip. You'll look tremendous. Also, for an extra couple dollars, some extra Getus.

You get the one-wipe Charlie's your asshole. You can wipe your nutsack. You can wash cum off of tits. Whatever the fuck you want to do and her tits will stop. smoke like peppermint. Guaranteed by a dollar shave club. Go to the Dollar Shave Club box on joeydeers.net and press in.

Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. And get your fucking deal. $1, $6 and $9 if you join through us. Stop fucking around. Stop kidding yourself. Orlando was fucking great this week, Lee.

Yeah. You know, there was a lot of Jews in that hotel. They must have been passed over. They got like a 10% cold or 3%. And you called me from that. bar and I was like that's exactly why I don't take Jewish women. Oh my God. And you know the Jewish women, let me tell you something,

I've always been a fan of Jewish women. They smell like fucking matzabal soup, feet and shit. I love all that nasty stuff. But then you have the other side of those Jewish women that look like me. And they wear slippers. You ever see the size of their fucking feet. If you weigh over 300, if you weigh over 250 fucking pounds,

don't put slippers on, all right? Your feet are flat and fucking disgusting, especially if you're a fucking woman. If you weigh over 190 pounds, Do me a favor. Don't wear fucking slippers on your feet. Your feet are fucked up and they're big. Put combat boots on.

Stop embarrassing yourself. You ever see a big chick and she comes out with that hunk of fucking foot? It looks like a fucking man's foot. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hunk of foot? What's wrong with you, women? I love you to death.

But if you're as big as I am, please, wear fucking combat boots. Don't show nobody your hoofs. Don't show nobody those fucking hoops. Those jew hoops were fucking ginormous, bro. They had the black things on their head with the long skirts. All of them had fucking ugly feet.

Yeah. There was a Jew at the gym that was on the treadmill. I was checking out her feet. Fucking ugly as fuck. This bitch couldn't even climb a tree with those fucking things. Usually you could hoof up the fucking tree with those nails. Oh, my God. I don't mind, look, I don't mind coming on your feet.

I don't want to suck them and smell them like these disgusting people. Right. When you pull out, you give them a little jack to the feet. Women love that shit. A little something for late night. Right on the feet? Sure. You never had the desire to do that.

That's because you're a fucking half a fucking mummo. That's why you never want to sniff a woman. You just pull it out, you walk around. You're like, you just pull it out, and you go, give me that foot, bitch. You know what? You're fucking crack a nut right on that foot. It's all over. The shot.

Yeah! I get together with you slip. It's Monday night. How bad was the flight there? Were the kids on the flight? Fucking half the plane was filled with kids jumping up and down. Everybody wants to be Mickey Mouse. But you know what?

Man, I had a great time to land, and the food was tremendous. You know, UFC put Joe up at a great hotel. So I got the Muchoch Joe. I stand on the 14th floor. I don't know. It was $32 for fucking the breakfast buffet. I went down there. That was my favorite phone call of the year.

Oh, tremendous. He called me, like, Lee, how much do you sing a bag of with loxas? And I was like, oh, this is going to be good. I was like $10. You're like, $19. You're just reading the menu. I was just reading them all. You're like soup.

$9. $16 for chicken noodle soup, people. $16 for chicken noodle soup. $18 for pasta for zoo. $45 for a fucking. $4. small steak oh it was $39 for steak and eggs how's that one for yeah home services a lot but it was 32 I don't eat room show I refused to fucking pay $39 extra I don't like food in my room you believe that

yeah I can see that I don't like food in my because you don't have them cleaned during the week I don't like food in my room even if I haven't clean I don't want nobody in my fucking room right but I came back and I took my wife to dinner well my wife was one that said we're going to have to eat the baby and we had a coupon for already mornings I got like 10 fucking coupons. We went to Arty Morton's. The place is empty. We go at 3 o'clock for a reason. The baby, I don't... You know, she's fucking moves around. Go to Ardenhammontons. There's three waitress working.

I sit down. Next to, you know, the fucking place is empty. Lee, we're the only ones in there? They're in a cellar in there. A couple comes in? They put them right behind me. Yeah. Then a table of six came, and they put them right to my right. Right there. The guy's head was right there.

I couldn't finish my meal. I was so fucking furious. I couldn't finish my meal. Why do people do that? And I caught her outside. When I was outside playing with the baby, I go, listen, when somebody's paying $40 for a stake, they don't want to sit next to them. I don't give a fuck what management tells you.

You think those people you sat next to a baby are fucking happy right now? And she looked at me. She never even thought about that. Yeah, they just, they probably cut all the servers. So like, all right, just say everyone in that one section. It was three. Fuck, no.

I don't want people sitting next time ever again. And I told it. And the manager came over. He was all right. I go, no, it was all right. So they put fucking, you know, the Jackson Six next to me. I don't need these fucking people next to me, man. This is rude.

I got my baby. I feel bad for them. It wasn't feeling bad for me. I was feeling bad for them. The waitress didn't fucking plan. And that's part of these people. They're not trained anymore. But you understand that my wife is like they don't train them.

No, no, no. That's not trained. That's common sense. You hear my kid yelling and scream, what would you put a table of six next to a fucking nice, nice white people next to the fucking baby? I wouldn't do that. I'd say, come over here deep.

Get the fuck away from that fucking painy-ass baby. That's what I would say to get an extra tip. Seriously. I don't want to put you. That's what a small, that's what a real hustler does. Come here for a second. Most waiters will put you next to this baby.

I don't want to put you over there. He's a great kid. She's a great kid. But you guys are reading. I don't want no fucking kid dribbling and fucking running around you. That's okay. Most people go, that's okay.

No, it's not. Once you've given birth and you've had your kid, you don't want to hear somebody else's fucking kid. Right. You just say, out of being polite, you know what I'm saying? But me, I would never take my child to a movie theater. That's just me.

Because I would hate to impose another people. That's why I made, I had my wife make the reservation for three. Because I know Mercy's a fucking nightmare. She wants to run around. She wants to, you know, she was banging the fucking plate with the fucking thing. The macaroni's were going up in the air. I pay. I'll drop an extra 20 or 30 on a fucking tip

just to have of that. That's not the point. The point is, I don't want to sit next to it. It's like when me, and we'd all go on the road. with me, Eddie Bravo, Tate, Duncan, Ari, and Joe. We got a table of six gorillas, and you put a family with six kids next to us. It's not going to work out for you. Because we're going to talk loud.

That's just stupid. That's common fucking sense. That's the other thing that's been forgotten about in this country. It's just common fucking sense. This isn't brain surgery, half this shit. This is common sense. We're talking about podcasting today. And the mistakes people make with podcasting.

And it's like, this is common. Common sense. And these are people who went to college who took marketing classes and took all these high-level classes that didn't bring nothing from it. Because you know what, bro, you can learn all you want but unless you do, once you start

doing, see, my background is from drug dealing. And this drug dealer in car sales all mixed into one thing, and now I've translated into this comedy. And this is why I get up a sixth in the morning and I tweet. And this is why I do the things I do. I love doing them. I enjoy doing

all this shit. But I can't, you know, If you're funny and you have something to say and you have a podcast, you're not going to find it by osmosis, bro. If I want people to come to my San Jose show or my Vegas show, July 18th, I got to talk about it, Lee. I got to post it. That's what I didn't do for years. It's not blowing my own horn.

I can't do that shit. I don't know how people do it. But I can't expect you to come or be a part of something if I don't talk about it. And I have friends that, their podcasts, they don't, people don't listen to them. Then they get mad. They go, I don't know what's going on. Well, I looked at your Twitter feed. There's nothing about your podcast.

You're wishing your niece happy fucking birthday, but your niece don't put no fucking money in your pocket. You follow what I'm saying? You understand? I'm trying to fucking save you here. Listen, man, and I don't want people to think this. I'm trying to, it's not all about money, but it's all about getting ahead.

And it's the same fucking difference. That's what we're all trying to do. But when we slip into that thing, then we go, oh, well, my life isn't about money. Well, what is it about? How are you going to get to fucking eat? How are you going to get the nice things that you want? How are you going to put your kid in a lot?

high school how you're gonna get the shoes you want how you're gonna take your girl from the Vegas Lee that don't come from fucking osmosis right you have to make moves to get that money right you could be nice if you're nice you're not gonna be able to go to Vegas when you're a nice person you're never gonna be able to go to Vegas because you're not making money you're not sticking up for yourself you're not telling people what you're worth and what your value is correct or not correct no it's right yeah and I think that's a difference between for the restaurant example I think that's a difference between a corporate restaurant and a guy who owns a restaurant because of course

corporate restaurant, like Morton's, they probably have a book that they give to all the hostesses, and let's say, you sit him here and they have a guy who's been there training them. But if you own your restaurant, you'd probably tell, they wouldn't have to worry about corporate rules or whatever. And you could just tell them, don't sit, don't sit anybody next to anybody else. But what I understand is corporate is corporate. I want the best restaurant in corporate, so I'm going to incorporate what I have to offer into my waiters and the staff and the management team. You know, I'm not in the restaurant business, but I know different things. Arnie Martin, first of all

I was missing a million dollars Put people at the bar Let them have a drink first Then move them I don't give a fuck Get them to go That iced tea at the bar first Slow them the fuck down

There's so many different fucking things You know they come up to you They tell you the special Like it's memorized I don't want to hear that shit Put some motherfucking flavor to it Yeah But you understand me?

Yeah I could do these ads How they want me to do them And you know what Nobody would go to Dollar Shave Club Nobody would go to fucking arm They wouldn't If I tell you the shit

They want me to fucking say people I would embarrass myself With the shit They write stuff, these speeches that these marketing companies write, these executives, these fucking morons, because they sell from what's in a book. They don't sell from what's in their heart. They don't fucking put Hulu Plus. Whatever, I can sit here in Hulu Plus is great. They offer great movies.

No, you fucking moron, this is what they fucking offer. I'm saving you fucking money, okay? At the end of the week, you want to save a little fucking Getus. That's what Uncle Joey's here to do. You don't have to do a thousand other things. You can watch Hulu Plus on your Roku, on your smartphone, on your eye, You can binge. You can do whatever the fuck you want with your life.

You can watch 20 shows. You can take the day off. You can whack off in the fucking bathroom in North Hollywood parks and watch a fucking movie. I don't do they have porn on Hulu Plus. But my point is, they got movies. They got fucking, what's the other shit they got? They got your shotgun.

They got original programming now. They got all this stuff. But if I read you the shit that they want me to read, you go, Johnny, Joey, how fucking corny are you? You ever listen to something and somebody goes, speaking of the weather, you know, umbrellas are us. And you're like, oh my God,

that's horrible. Just go fuck the rain You know what? I got the best umbrellas in town for you And that's the same thing I got to offer you with Hulu Plus I don't have to fucking be corny about Hulu Plus I'm giving you a great deal It's $799 a month and I'm giving you two weeks for free If you go to the webpage you get one week for fucking free

Fuck that shit Go through the church and get two weeks What do they go? You know to Joeydeers.net They go to the box and what they press in Joey Joey J-O-E-Y Bam just like that Two weeks underarm for free Who gives you two weeks worth the shit

Two weeks so it's $799 a month So I'm basically giving you $4 for fucking free. Four dollars. Who's giving you four fucking dollars, all right? That's what they do, Hulu Plus. You know why they do that? Because they know. Once you get in there, you're going to fucking love it.

They got everything you like to watch. Plus shit, you haven't watched it. You've thought about it. You've heard about it. Oh my God, I've never seen this show. Well, bam, there it fucking is. You want me to read you the list? I can read you the list and what it says on here.

It's who got us. I just broke it down for you. You understand me? You're losing money. You're wasting your fucking time. Go to Hulu Plus. Get two weeks for free. and after that, $7.99 a month for fucking life.

What are they pressing the box? Joey. Joey, when you go to Joey Deers.net. From now on you, you're just not going to go to Hulu Plus or the Onet Box or the You're not going to go to fucking a dollar shave club. You're also going to go, and if you need a mug or a fucking patch or a... Don't show them shit.

Fuck them. Go to the webpage, cuck, sucker. They got eyes. Any of these things, you go, you like it. That's it. That's how you fucking do it. But if I read you, what these motherfuckers wanted me to tell you, oh, my God. We'd be here for two hours and we'd get nowhere.

You go, Joey, get the fuck. off the mic. But that's the thing. So for the restaurants, the first guy who owned it probably agrees with you, but then they have more and then they start making a little bit of money. And let's say they let a server go off the rails. What if that service

is fuck? And he insults somebody. So they have all those they have all those things in place now. So no one gets offended and no one goes outside the box. Listen to me. They can play anybody and good service.

And good work. You'll get offended. When a waiter is good, there's nothing bad than having a fucking bad waiter. If I tell you all my steak, well done, and you bring it back to me raw, I'm agitated. I'm fucking hungry. Now I've got to send my food back. That's a bad experience. Yeah.

Okay? He didn't do his fucking job. If I'm sitting there and I don't have something in front of me, that's a bad fucking waiter. I'm always communicating with them. I'm always asking them how they are. I'm not going to McDonald's. Let me ask you this. What if McDonald's, what if the guy at McDonald's, hire the guy, paid him $10 an hour to ask you,

how your meal was. They had that where I grew up. And that McDonald's. They had an older guy. They don't have it no more. They don't have it no more. And they have a guy that would come up to you, bring you a straw. I ask you everything was.

He wiped down the tables. You know, he didn't really wipe down the tables because he had to be like a manager-looking guy. You know, it's like when I went to Chicago, when I seen the owner of the restaurant, walking around, shaking people's hands saying thank you. And that's my mom. He owns that restaurant. Any of these chain places, they get so nervous about it. And they want to be able to place anybody in.

They don't want anybody making. noises. Anybody could be a server at a chain place. I mean, I wanted to be a server at, not a server, a bartender at one of those chains in 84 before I left and they wanted me to be a cook first. But they'd be a fucking,

what the fuck was it? It's one of those popular chains. Chili's, Applebee's, yeah. It was way before those. Okay. And he's a coach chain. And they wanted you to be a cook first before you became a barton. I was already a bartender city. I'm like, okay, I'll be a cook. And I went down and looked at that

food. And I was, I went down and looked at that food, I'm like, dog, I can't serve this shit. Yeah. But here's the other thing. All right, so a general manager comes into a restaurant. He wants to apply his policies or the corporation's policies. Yeah. The corporate policies.

And he also wants to be somewhere around that he wants that restaurant to reflect what he's about. Whether he's a hard worker, whether he's customer service-based. Everybody has a different where they come from. When you're an M. M.N.A.5, you come from Mouetai, bopting, wrestling background, your jit-to background. Probably this guy's customer service. maybe this guy was a chef at one time, he's into presentation.

They turned that restaurant into what they have. Now, also, if I'm a corporation and I put you as the general manager, I'm going to give you a taste at the end of the year. So I'm going to give you 6% of the overall gross at the end of the year. I'm going to put, if that's what motivates me, that's what I think outside the box. Well, that's what you think so. But what they think is, is they have a set up plan that they know works, and their restaurant will make.

a million dollars. They could put it and they could have people doing what you say but if some people don't like that, some of the older people don't want that sort of thing they just want the same experience they've had at Legal Seafoods forever if they lose money then it gets fired.

He knows it's not going to lose money. He's only going to do better Lee. But it's like having a day job. When I go to Legal Seafood in Boston that fucking general manager nobody came beside the waiter and asked me how my food was. But if that general manager It took two minutes and came and asked how his food was. And did you try the dessert?

No, we don't have room for dessert. Wait a say. You haven't tried the fucking general marmalade here with the shrimp flavor in the asshole? No, I haven't. You don't know what you're missing. Let me give you a sample. That's what I'm talking. Exactly my point.

Even if they get five, it's $5 out of their pocket. It's going to sell. We're looking at the bottom fucking line, Lee. If I put what I'm talking about, not everything is black and white, Lee. And that's why you have failures. because in this world today, in this corporate world today, everything is black and white.

Yeah. But it's not black and white, and that's what I'm telling you. I'm agreeing with you. If I'm going for the 6%, no, these guys are scared. Everybody's scared losing their fucking job. So then when they do a bad job,

they're going to get fired anyway. I'd rather go the extra mile and try because I could always fight for it. I could always go, listen. They didn't like me because I gave away a dessert. But in my defense, I was the highest gross and fucking Ardy Morton's in the region for six years.

Yeah. And the bottom line speaks loudest. Yeah. The bottom line speaks loudest in those places. So this is what I'm trying to say. There's certain people that will be fucking goats and cheap all their fucking lives. And that's the result they'll get. When they retire, they get a gold watch.

And everybody else is stealing and make a million, but they got a gold watch for fucking working 30 years like a fucking animal. You understand me? The goal is to get the fuck out of there. It's at the comedy store. People get mad at me because I don't go to the comedy store. The bottom line of the comedy store is getting out of there. It's not staying there.

Right. Yeah. It's getting out of there. It's going through there, making your point and getting the fuck out of there. If you go back in there after like seven years and you're dangling around, I don't know what world. You should have moved on a little bit. You know what I'm saying?

I know, I know, Ari still goes there. But Ari goes, you know, during a week to fuck around. But it's not as end-all be-all. Right.

You know, you move out of that fucking room. Who had that joke? It was like, I think with a Cat Williams joke. He doesn't fuck with people who are still selling weed. I was watching one of his old specials. And he's fucking great.

But, no, it's, It's crazy. It's like I called American Airlines today because I was booking my thing. And every window and aisle seat, they were charging you $30. You couldn't choose a seat other than the middle. Why did you call them?

Why'd you go online? I did go online. I booked my ticket, but you couldn't choose a window or an aisle seat without paying extra money. So I was like, oh, maybe I'll call them and do it. And it's like, oh, no, every window and aisle, like, they get you at every angle now. So like the corporate. So I just didn't choose a seat. and it gave me a window, I think, for free.

But it was like, if you wanted to... Where did they put you? 17 and 22. So I'm on the back. On the way there, you're in 17? On the way there, I'm on 22, I think. On the way back, you're in 17? Yeah.

But it's just... And you're in the window both times? When I'm in the aisle. That's not bad. That's all. I don't least you're not in the middle. Oh, I can't be in the middle, but it's a... It's just, they...

They have so many corporate policies now that just are the most stupid. And it's the same thing how if you work at a place, everyone has that boss who they hate, who's always going to tell on somebody or you didn't feel it. It's a big joke from office base. Well, the TPS report. And he has 10 bosses come around. Oh, you didn't fill out the TPS report correctly.

He's like, well, I've got my fucking work done. And every time he makes a mistake, he has seven bosses who come and yell at him. It's a fucking, it's a terrible. It's a terrible movie. It's too many cheese with not enough Indians. No, it's... Too many cheese and I love it. That's the expression.

Too many cheese and not enough fucking Indians. That's the bottom line with that shit. Yeah. It's amazing when you go out and how different things are. You know, today did you see the... Diane Sawyer had a thing about Canadian air, how they throw your luggage. I saw that. Did you see that?

I didn't see her thing, but I saw that they did that, yeah. The Canadian Air called the luggage guy back. When they went into... If you're the Lumbick... luggage is damaged or your luggage is lost. If you don't call in 24 hours, you don't get dick. You get like, I don't even know how much they give you for your luggage.

Even if you got $10,000 with the clothes, they give you like $1,000 or something like that. They're fucking cold-blooded. But this happens because we've let it happen. This happens because we've let it happen. So I'm giving you $25 for my luggage. I'm giving you $25 for each way. Each way.

And you're throwing my luggage. And if you lose it, I got 24 hours to report. That's what you're trying to fucking tell me. Yeah. I have to call the post office because I noticed my tax check didn't get deposited. Like one did and one didn't. And luckily I have tracking on it. It was supposed to go to San Francisco.

It went to San Francisco and then I went back and forth to Baltimore. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? So I'm nervous. I have to call them tomorrow and find out what the fuck is happening with my fucking tax check. But it's like luckily I have tracking on it. So. We put the tracking on it. I did.

Because I'm fucking. I wanted to make sure they got it. But, yeah, it's terrible. Like, the airlines, luckily, I don't fly as much as you do. But it's, they're coming and get you. I, you know, I keep my contact with them to eliminate it. I know, you know, I just know what the fuck with them and not how not to fuck with them.

You know, I know. That's why I pay the full thing. I always try to do something better because it's just, it's a fucking nightmare. I would love. I feel bad for it, yeah. I feel really bad. I would love to do a video of you calling American Airlines because I called them today.

And it took 10 minutes to get through all their menus of like, what's your flight? Agent. Yeah. Agent. Keep going. Agent. I keep going. Agent.

Agent. One more question. Is it your flight in the 50 states, North America or Canada? Yes, it is. Thank you. And they put your honey and fuck with him. Is this Jose agent? Agent.

Yeah, but agent. I didn't understand you. Agent. Agent. Agent. And they'll fucking put them on. Okay. If you didn't, we'll put you.

You'll connect you. I fucking torment them. I say agent 80 fucking time in the beginning. Agent, agent, agent. And they go, okay, we'll connect you. That's it. Don't fucking around. Don't tell them where I'm going.

None of your fucking business where I'm going. It's like when you call people. You ever call somebody? And they go, who my ass was calling? Don't matter. What is this about? Don't matter. Let me talk to him.

Yeah. I tell him just like that. Okay. Yeah, don't matter. What do you care? It's none of your fucking business. Yeah. I got VD and my asshole.

You all right to tell you? What do you give a fuck about? I got VD and my muffler. What do you fucking care about? Now put the doctor on. There's none of your fucking business why I'm calling you. That's the, or they call him, they say he's not available.

Then what did you ask me what my name was? The fuck is wrong. Don't ask me. When they ask me now, is he available? Who's I say he's available? Yeah. You know? The other day I was on the,

When I worked for Boulder Toyota years ago, there was a, you couldn't take sales calls from any phone. You had to call the operator. She'd go to Toyota sales. You had to call the operator. And you had to tell her what phone booth you wanted. Okay. Either phone booth one or two. As soon as you put the phone, the tape recorder went on.

And they had a script. And if you stuck to that fucking script, Lee, you would sell a thousand cars a month. But everybody would say, and I went to battle with the guys. who ran the program. And one day he took me to launch and he goes, Joey, listen to me. You're a great zeal. You're a hustler.

You show up on time. Your shoes always shined. We've spent millions into this. How about I work with you on this? And I'll watch you do the money. And we would sit together. And he'd listen like that with speakers. And I'd talk to the person.

And he'd say, stick to that. And it would even diagram. If they say that, go back to that. Like, that's how much. and what it was was designed to not give any answers. Hi, who am I speaking with? Lisa, yeah. Hi, Lee.

What can I do for you today? I'm calling about the 82 Mustang. What's the mileage on it? It's blue. It's beautiful. It's four-cylinder. It's got 390 horsepower. Air conditioning.

I got it from some lady to rims. What's the mileage on it? You have to smell the interior of this fucking car. What's the mile? The tires are brand new. We did a 21, two-point inspection on it. What's the mileage on it? mileage on it. Let me ask you this. What time do you want to come in? I have a 2.30 and

have a 4 o'clock. This car's not going to last. Do you want to come in here at 1 o'clock? What's the mileage on it? Do you want to come in here at 1 o'clock, sir? This car is going, hold on one second. I have somebody on the lock. And I mean, dog, you sold a fucking car. The other day I sat there and listened to my wife called for an office. And next to you know, she's telling him, I'm a stand-up and a podcast and I go, hang up the phone. You said, what? Hang up the phone. You gave him too much information. You just lost the battle. You don't think him dick. But they asked. Fucking go around it. You don't to tell nobody dick.

You don't got to tell nobody dick. What are you telling them all that fucking information for? Stick to your guns. You know? And that's how I do that reverse. Who am I saying he's calling? Who are you talking to? Who am I talking to?

And what does it got to do with the situation I am? Is the doctor available to talk right now? Is he available? No, he's not. Then I'll call back. There's no reason to give him my fucking name. What do you want no names for? What do you do at the grocery store when they say can have your number and stuff?

I don't have a number. Don't worry about it. It's like when you go to Starbucks. You're in their tired. Do you want us to fill it to the top? Yeah, I want you to let it go over and boil on my fucking fingers. No, give it some fucking air.

What's your email? I don't fucking know. It's 8 in the morning. Give me my coffee and then ask me fucking questions. Okay, what's what the fucking questions? That's what in the fucking coffee? I came in there for a cup of coffee. Give me the fucking coffee.

Here's a $2 and do what the fuck you got to do. What's what the fucking questions? I think you better broken your hand like that guy in the UFC fight the other night. You know me. I'm the toughest fucking nail. He's thinking I hurt my knuckles. It's really amazing how we give too much information.

You don't need to give nobody other information. Nothing. You think you do? Steam roll these motherfuckers. It's like you're a parrot. I'm a parrot. There's times people email me. They're talking about the winter.

I start talking about the summer. When they read that email, they're like, fuck, we tried to confuse him. He confused us. Also, do not forget about escapodtank.com. all your flotation tank needs. Do you understand me? I don't give a phone. You're going to go to wherever you're going to go and float and pay for session. Get a skate pod tank. Go to their website. They have commercial tanks. They have personal tanks for your house. They have industrial tanks. You know, and I don't know if you guys know about flotation systems or whatever. Go to escape podtank.com.

Look at what they got to offer you. If they got something that you like, let's say you got questions. Call Jeremy. There's a 1-800 number, Jeremy. I answer the phone. They'll help you. It's customer service is going to win you over. You know why I went with them. You know why I with them because they save you two to three to four grand and the customer service is fucking tremendous that is the most expensive that is the most important thing sometimes something's more expensive than others but I'll go with that guy because of the customer service you're gonna lose you're gonna go with somebody over five dollars and when you're calling for something they're

never gonna call you back the guy you paid the money to he's gonna call you back trust what I'm telling you go to escapeout tank.com they're not gonna charge you more they gonna save you money but Jeremy when you call the 800 number he'll be as fucking nice as party to you. Give them a cop. Give them a shot. Also, when you mention my name, you get $250 off.

You want to put it in your house, they'll fly out, install it in your house, they have a team to come out to your house, or you can just order it and do it yourself and sweat and remind yourself at Christmas when you're fucking doing your kids' toys and they don't bring a screw.

So just fucking, you know what I'm saying? I've got to let these people. I'm going to draw a picture for these fucking people. Lee, you know what you're fucking around here. I'm sorry about today with the audio sound. Lee's spectacular what he does, but sometimes the wires get crossed here

and fucking the sound goes kaput and it happens so I'm happy you people listen to it. I know it's late on the East Coast and I know it's late in the Midwest but fuck you motherfucker is everyone's only going to break out of the mold and listen to a fucking podcast

from time to time. I don't even know what we fucking talked about for that but I know I had a good time and listen to me, it's fucking hot in here. You know, thank God we can get this other office they don't turn the air on Saturday and Sunday we're going to walk into a fucking oven on Monday morning but we keep it at 74.

74 does nothing when it's fucking. fucking 95 outside. You know what I'm saying? Everybody wants to keep their air conditioning. We need the air condition at 50 fucking five. It's got to be freezing. I want to see you with a fucking winter jacket inside. What good is it having an air condition?

Oh, it's comfortable in here. If I want to be comfortable, I'll get some fucking pro-Keds or something like that, all right? I'm going to be fucking cold. I don't even want to be the fucking sweat. I'm sitting here. Why would I be fucking hot? I felt really bad. Do you go ever pick up the T-shirts at the T-shirt place?

They don't have the AC on there. I felt so bad for the people there today. I was like, oh, God. It's fucking... You went on that today? Yeah. I was like, it's fucking hot in here. They had no air in there.

No. I was like, oh, these poor people. Fucking animals. Fucking animals. To save what? And you're going to have uncomfortable employees. Then when they rob you, oh, well, he's a piece of shit he robbed me.

Next time you're fucking air conditioning. One of the nights, when I worked a night shift, they said bring a fan. They turned the AC off and I was like, fuck, all right. Bring a fucking pan. So anyway, as you guys know next Wednesday, we're doing a live podcast at the ice house,

8 o'clock, 430. And then the following week, I'm at the Camel Back Casino in Santa Fe with Ari Shafir. It's a Saturday night show, May 10th. Then the following, myself and the Flying Jew from the 15th or the 17th will be at Cap City Comedy Club at Austin, Texas. Oh, shit. He'll be down there selling some fucking T-shirts, eating some fucking goomies and having all that fun. Some goomies. Some goomies.

A bunch of them. And for you people from the church, thank you for all of love and support you give me and for coming to the shows. and for just loving me and Lee and for what we're doing. You know, we try really fucking hard here. We're not some Johnny come lately, motherfuckers. We try really hard here, and we're happy that you,

we know you have a lot of fucking options. So for you guys to tune in and give us the love you, give us means a lot, you know. So thank you very much. We'll see you guys Wednesday with Ed Suarez, nice and early, six fucking o'clock in the morning, as usual. We love you, motherfucker. Stay black.

Oh, shit. Where's the music? Hold on. I got to read the script again. Jesus. Christ on a crunch. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for Hulu Plus for your free trial of Hulu Plus.

Hulu Plus is you bids on thousands of hit shows. Anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of HuluPus when you go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey or go to Joey Diaz.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. Get high-quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail, go to dollar shapeclub.com

forward slash church or go to joey ds.net and click on the dollar shape club banner and again thank you to escapoddank.com get your flotation tank. It's at your house. You don't got to float with random people. Mention Joey Diaz and they're going to save you an additional $250 off. Stay black. Oh shit. Oh shit. Wiggle funk with Joey Lee.

Let's see what you got for Papa. What do you know about this joy here? Let me see, baby. Let me see what you got from with joy. What's shit? Oh shit. Oh shit. Look at you. Let me see. do it. That's it with the hands. Let's see you. Go like this. Like that.

Now you go like this with the cowbell comes. Like, let me see if you do ya. Like this. Like a genie. See, if you ate ass, you know, you're that motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Yeah, fart in my mouth. I love it.

Ha ha ha ha. Fuck it. Have a great week.