The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #172 - Timmy Holloway, Joey Diaz, and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 28, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt talk to Joey's friend Timmy Holloway about where they thought they would be 30 years ago as drug addicts and where they are now. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded live on 04/28/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of it shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet, support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Huluplus. com. That's Huluplus.com. And by Dollar Shave Club.com. Get high-quality razor sent to your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclum.com slash church.

Or just go to Joey Dias. on the dollar shape club banner and thank you to escapodtank.com. They have your flotation tank needs. You're already going to save thousands with them. But mention Joey Diaz. Mention blowing your nose. You already get a save thousand. You're only going to get $250 extra off.

Wake up, cocksuckers. This is going to be an interesting one. What is that? It's a fucking bad version. It's a what? I didn't check the version. This is what I'm fucking talking about here. Where's fucking metallic?

Oh shit. Oh shit. April 28th Monday, the day the devil sucked the big black dick. Put that up. Let's do this shit. April 28th, wash your pussy, eat your oatmeal. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Are you fucking kidding me or what? It's your lucky motherfucking day. Whatever happened in the past is the past. Today you're gonna fucking sharpen that sword and stick it in the motherfucker, the old school, like a Puerto Rican. Oh, are you fucked? Grab your fucking ball, salute that goddamn flag.

Let them know who the fuck the boss is, motherfuckers. Are you kidding me? As far as today's concerned, the views of this show, we mean every fucking word. It's over. You know how people always have disclaimers, we don't mean what we say, go fuck yourself. Don't what are you doing the show for?

Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Where you, motherfucker, are the priest. You understand? What's going on, Lisa yet? You got me all fired up this morning. That's right. I ain't fucking around. I was telling me about Jewish people.

I see Jew fucking kids. It's true because all this racism. They ain't nobody racist here, but I see life of what the fuck it is. Okay, when I see a Jew, okay, like when I see an East Coast Jew, that they're walking all timid, like walking, looking at the floor, they ain't making eye contact with nobody.

And I see a Jew out here. I know a Jew out here is walking around, thinking about what a beautiful day is to be alive. And you in New York, when they get up in the mind, they got that Hasidic hat. It looks like Zaro. You know what they're thinking about?

What are they thinking about? Stabbing a motherfucker. How are they going to take somebody's pennies today? Because they know pennies turn into dollars and dollars turned into... And I was telling me the strength of the strength of the fucking Jewish person in this country. Why?

You know, listen, man, every national in this country has suffered. The blacks got brought from Africa to a place they'd know, the Cubans, the Jews, the Jews, the... Everybody. fucking suffered here. Let me tell you something. When it comes to the Jews, you think of their strength.

You think, where's your strength come from as a human being? It comes from what you went through and what you get over. You know, when those Jews were in that fucking basement with no air conditioning on. With fucking tattoos on their arms with no head and saw their friends dying. Tell me that four of them didn't get together and

say, when we get out of this motherfucker, it's going to be a different world. We're going to teach our children that never again are they going to get fucked in the ass like we did. This is never going to happen again. You tell me. You tell me. That that attitude, we've even discussed this. I think you and Ari, me and Ari discusses the sons of the Holocaust people. They were tough as fucking, they were tough as nails.

Probably, yeah. Because the anger in their hearts was transferred, you know, what had happened to them. Don't tell me that that, because that's what you wake up for every morning. You wake up, you think of those fucking numbers that they put on my grandfather's arm. I got to go out there today and stab a motherfucker because my, you know, I'm mad because some guy is making me move because he dented my car. Think of what your grandfather woke up with in the mornings with those tattoos and they saw those numbers on his wrist and those people yelling at him.

So they got strength from somewhere. That's who you get your strength from, brother, is your fucking culture sometimes. Like me, I know my mother stabbed somebody for raping her little sister. It makes me fucking a savage. That's why she had an alias. That's why my mother had an alias where you get your strength. I don't even know what the fucking talking about here,

but I know it's going to be an interesting podcast because Lee and I were talking about the sterling shit. But anyway, let's open up with some beautiful fucking... It's a beautiful day to be alive. I had a great time in Baltimore with a great fucking city. Speaking of black people. Black people running shit in Baltimore. Donald Sterling would be dead by now if he made those remarks in Baltimore.

They don't fuck around in Baltimore, man. They really don't. It's a really interesting city. I was telling Rogan on the ride to the thing that when I first got into comedy, there was only two clubs that gave me love. There was the club, Joey's in Detroit. And this club in Baltimore that was just a beat fucking hole. and it was like beat up black people

and beat up white people it was the refuge of the city that nobody wanted and this guy would put me up man two weeks a month you know on the weekend and put me in a hotel and I wasn't good at all

you know I wasn't good I was a little dirty and I was from New York so he liked me up front but he gave me a lot of work but I remember what Baltimore looked like and it looked like a bomb fucking hit it

and now it's beautiful like the downtown waterfront area it's fucking beautiful it really is it really really really fucking is beautiful. I had a nice time, the people, the fucking show, you know, it was 2,000 people. And after we got out there, and the line was from here to fucking Lancash him.

Jeez. And we took pictures and we're there until midnight. And it's just very nice to be a part of something as a comedian. You know, Lee was saying that he saw the commercial for David Spade last night. And I was telling Lee that, you know, listen, guys, I'm not the best fucking comic out there. But the last six weeks on the road, I've learned a lot about myself. You know, Fort Lauderdale and Boston and New Jersey and the people that came to Grand Rapids. You know, guys, I feel like I'm on to something now, stand-up-wise especially.

I paid my dues. And, you know, I was telling me, as a Jew, as a badass business Jew, as a businessman, there's not one Jew at Comley Central looks at the other and goes, come here for a second. A Diaz guy? Everybody don't like him. He's a fucking fat slob or whatever the fuck they want to say. But this motherfucker's on to something. Why don't we give him a little something just in case?

Let him do a special. If it goes well, it goes well. If it doesn't, we write it off and say he's a bump, but at least we have him in our fucking catalog. You know what I'm saying? That's business. Sometimes you let your feelings get ahead of what you really are. And I appreciate it that they don't want to do it.

But David Spade, like I've said a thousand times, love the guy, love his TV shows, he hasn't said nothing that somebody hasn't written from funny in 30 fucking years. And I'm not lying here to nobody. I'm not playing a hateing or whatever. There's a lot of people who ain't fucking funny on TV. Anyway, what the fuck are we going to say with this shit? I don't know.

How come you're not fucking controlling the podcast? What's up, baby? What'd you do all week and cut second? Looked at apartments. I had the most... I called you and I wish you were there. Like, thank you for making me walk. Just if I never, if I died tomorrow,

that I was the happiest I ever was on Saturday. So where'd you go? Okay, so I went to go looking at an apartment and I had time in between another one so I went and got some lunch and I decided to walk to the next apartment it was like half a mile away so I was walking

and there were like a lot of homeless people and I figured out why it's because the grocery store nearby had a can delivery place so they all hang out there this woman was walking towards me she looked me straight in the face she said did I see you yesterday I said no

she said do you walk on the Braia and that's in Hollywood and I live in the valley. She's like, no. She's like, let me ask you something. I hear Warner Brothers is paying people to walk around and pretend they're Jewish. What do you think about that? I'm like, no, she's like, I think that's true. I hear they don't really do anything that they pretend they're Jewish. I said, maybe, and I walked away laughing for about 15 minutes. She did not know you were the flying Jew. She didn't know anything. She didn't know nothing. And the funniest thing is most people get to, not with this, because my name's a flying Jew, but in life, people usually

like are surprised when I say I'm Jewish. I don't know why. Apparently I don't look like a Jew. I don't know what any, either way anyway. You got a nice nose. But just the fact that she said, I hear Warner Brothers is paying people to pretend they're Jewish. It made me laugh for about 15 minutes.

It never ends. It never ends. No. I told you that I attract the funniest people. Sometimes when you're ringed up in this world, life gives you material. And if you said that on stage, because of the conversation,

we have here, nobody would believe you. Really? Yeah, because, come on. He calls you the flying Jew and some homeless lady comes up to you and says, are they paying people to act like Jews and Hollywood? Think about that. That's hysterical. Now you're starting to live

the life of a comedian where you see life, you know, it just throws fucking apples at you sometimes. Like something happens that's hysterical. And you're like, I'm here by myself. Like the time I was in Florida a couple weeks ago, and the guy yelled at the fucking, and also the Hindu came out of the back, and there ain't no fucking America's

working hand and then he looks and a Hindu comes out of the you can't write that shit but when you're a comic and you have that mind sometimes the universe throw certain things that you have had things happen to me when I'm alone that that's when I wish I had the bloggy but the bloggy wouldn't have caught it right because I wasn't

thinking that way it's like when people show you videos of a the other day John Rallo showed me a video of a fucking leopard attacking an alligator have you seen that shit? Probably grabs him by the back the leopard swims real low and he comes out you tell yourself Who had the camera?

Yeah. Who had the fucking camera there? Like, that's brilliant. Like, that's the first thing I think about. Was that guy standing there? They leave it there overnight. You know, I mean, what the fuck? We're going to have to get you.

I don't know. I don't think it has this capability. But, you know, have you heard of those Google glasses that they came out with? Yeah. We have to get you those. That's what I want to walk around with glasses and see what the fuck I'm not looking at. Just be recording all the time. It's amazing.

And I talk about this constantly, people. And I love you guys. And part of this podcast is supposed to be really fucking funny. I'm a comedian. But it turns into different things. I see shit when I'm out that amazes the fuck out of me. You know what the iPhone is made for to detract us? It is amazing that people get shot in public places, airports,

and I see people never paying attention to life. Well, it's the worst at the airport. People, you're not paying attention to life, man. You're in that thing too fucking much. When I sit down at a dinner table or something after I look around, after I got my seat facing the fucking door because I'm watching everything that's going on, then I bring that fucking phone out.

But until that time, I can't tolerate people looking at that fucking phone when life is going on around them, man. That's why I don't put all that shit on my fucking phone because I don't want to look at that right now. I'll look at it later. It's got nothing to do with me right now. If somebody knocked, you know,

it's the weirdest fucking thing, what the phone does to people. And with all the bad shit that happens, how people do not pay fucking attention to life is beyond me. Well, you should see people in like cities where people actually have to walk.

People are walking in the signs and stuff because they walk with it down. Do you see the video, I think it was in Chicago of the people on the bus and some guy took out a gun and no one noticed? This is what I'm talking about. He just got off the bus because no one noticed anything.

He was all pissed off. He's like, freeze. And everybody was like, fuck. Yeah. And he just said, fuck. Nobody's paying attention and drop me off. Yeah. It's, I see that the park

when I take my daughter. Oh, okay. When I take my daughter to the park, I really fucking see how people act like they're on the phones. You're kidding? Listen, man, when it comes to a kid, it's a split second.

What do people always say? I took my eye off him for one minute, all that one fucking minute. There's times I turn around, I look back and she's on top of the fucking Ottoman, man. Oh, God. She's halfway standing there, and her foot is an inch away from the end,

and I'm looking at this going down. She's just happy. She's balanced. in herself. She takes one step. She's going down head fucking first. I see it on the seesaw. She gets on the seesaw sometimes, but I see it with parents. And you know what? I can see when you're

single and you're walking around, you're looking at that fucking retarded phone. When you've got a fucking kid and shit and you've got to pay attention, you have to pay attention, man, to life. I'm telling you right now, it's the weirdest thing. The other day I was on Kofax, making a left to go to the coffee shop from fucking Chandler. And you know you

wait there all fucking day for a green light to that left. That's you. the right away. Well, as I'm shooting, some chick, I swear to got cuts in front of me. And I look at it. I pull the fucking car next to her, and I look at her, and she's on the thing. Like driving, hitting the bottom hit the sidewalk, and I beep. And she looks up and I go, what the fuck are you doing? You know what she does? She gives me the finger and drives away. Because God forbid, she said, I'm sorry. Yeah. God forbid that miserable cunt took the time. She was so indulged him, whatever the fuck was that twit with her fucking range rover.

and that fucking miserable fucking cunt. And I'm sorry about the language but it's Monday morning. We got to drop it. You know what I'm saying? Fuck it. Nothing good happens

unless you tell the truth on a fucking Monday. This dummy fucking, you know, was looking at the text and she looked at me and she, you know, and then she does that claim responsibility.

I didn't accept it. Not even to say, I'm fucking sorry. Right. You know, it's just the end of this shit it's killing me, though. Well, I read an article that was terrible.

I don't remember the city was in, but two years ago, these three, 16-year-old kids were riding their bike and this mom was driving a minivan and hit the kids that were driving hit the kids biking one of them died one of them ended up in the hospital and two years later the mom is suing the kids

family who died because the fact that she killed him is causing her mental things and she's saying they weren't biking for the rules of the road and like the kids family is like freaking out like they're like how can you how can you do this to us two years later. People are I mean and then like a last week or something

there's this big article that this this little teenage girl hit someone biking and said oh I don't really care. I was just one of those rich girls and people driving is fucking scary now. I don't fucking around when it comes to driving it. It petrifies the fuck out of me. I drive on the offensive with my

foot on that fucking gas which means if you fuck around with me I'll clock your fucking car. I don't do a fuck about Geicole insurance companies. I drive on the fucking offensive, man. And on the defensive, but on the offensive. I drive on the offensive, defensive. That's a new fucking defense I put together there.

Well, yeah. I mean, you have to. What are you looking at, cock-choker? I don't know. You have to do what? You have to drive on the offensive defense. That's right. That's right. Look at you. You bump into that guy's car ten times a fucking death.

I will murk. How the fuck do you hit this poor... I've never touched his assholes. And you know what the worst thing is? I'm pretty sure he's scraping the inside of my door now. because I take pictures every day and there's more marks now so he's fucking he's doing something so this is

the Jews about to be on fire but we're tired of we gotta flatten there's one tire oh no trust me I thought about it we gotta fucking do something so what's going on with Donald fucking Sterling well I mean the funniest thing about this

is everyone talking about this or white people but uh so first of all before I say anything he's a terrible racist like he's a bad everyone he's known they've said it for years that he's just like he he he's had to pay uh people off for doing this like his old employees and the people who who live in his apartment buildings every

everyone's known for years that he's a racist this isn't like the first time so he everyone knows he's a racist he said he said some pretty offensive things about black people but when you think about it all old white people at their home by themselves are going to say some pretty offensive things. This, if I were a millionaire or a billionaire, like an old man, I would listen to this and I would never date a 20-year-old again. Because this woman secretly recorded him. I don't know how many times.

If you listen to the tape, she provoked him. She knew exactly what, it'd be like if I came to you and said, what do you think about these, the Hindus working at 7-Eleven and recorded you? I know what you're going to say. and then she stole $2 million from him. So, I mean, he said some pretty terrible things, but everyone did terrible things at home. So, I mean, it's...

You know, Lee, I'm happy that you're 25 and you think about this. Yeah. Nothing kills me the most when people act surprised. Yeah. Like, people are like, oh, my God, I can't believe it's 2014 and somebody would think this way. I say a lot of crazy shit on his show. But everybody knows that, you know,

I wouldn't have anything if it wasn't from the... black people. When I came from Cuba, they were my best friends, and they gave me the gift of friendship. I never fucking forgot that. And the posters on my wall are Richard Pryor and Julius Irving and, you know, Denzel Washington's my favorite act. I mean, you know, when you talk sometimes, you talk out of content, you talk to be funny, but everybody knows deep down inside. You know, I go to acupuncture. I've been infatuated with the Chinese way of life before because of my mother. My mother was a big Chinatown chick. She would go to China. time when I was a kid and buy different herbs and drink them for different ailments and I

saw what it did there. She used to have this thing for Malachina. It's this little fucking yellow thing in a container. It smells weird. You put this on any elbow or muscle or a knee. And I believe in that shit. I can just lazy to go down and do it. My first girlfriend was fucking Chinese.

Irish, there hasn't been a woman that's Irish. If you're Irish and you're a woman and you got dirty feet, you better fucking be careful because I'm all over. You're Jewish? who are my best friends? You and Ari fucking Shafia. So do you understand me, people? I've always,

where I'm from in North Bergen, New Jersey, it's a beautiful place. You guys hear me say beautiful things about North Bergen. But they're racist motherfuckers, and I've always told other Spanish people I lived there, are Cuban kids. I've said, listen, man,

this is North Bergen, it's great, but always remember, at the end of the day, you're always a fucking spake. And as long as you know that going in, it makes your life a lot easier. You know, if the guy's known to being racist, whatever. I don't know what happened. I just read that

she had Instagram pictures. How racist could he be? She's black and he's banging him. She's black and Mexican. He's eating that fucking ass. She's sucking that dick. You know, one thing I don't, this chick, one thing that you bump into the other day I went to the airport when I flew out of here. And there was a

woman that was a 12, but I wouldn't want to be five feet from her. And the guy she was with was a fucking loser too. He was a fucking pussy too. And this chick was one of these slash Asian black chicks that was tremendously hot fake tits tremendous rack tremendous ass

but she even tried to get attention at the airport at 6 in the fucking morning like that's what she was doing and she was talking loud and you know on my first class tickets by the window you know so everybody could fucking hear and it was just embarrassing

for this chick and you could see that she was desperate and she had no fucking talent see this chick Kim Kardashian she 20 years ago was okay if you're a woman and you had no fucking talent in this fucking town because people would do this but now you know you had nothing

I'm sorry I'm saying it the wrong fucking way now because it Kim Kardashian I'm not mad at it I don't give a fuck about it it makes no difference to me you got these chicks parading around and they always find some old man to give them two or three thousand dollars and these chicks walk around like they're doing something special in their life

but meanwhile they're sucking at the end of the day they're sucking some old dick selling your soul yeah have you seen pictures of this guy this guy looks like Mickey worked at the operation just went bad. So here's this chick. I looked at the Instagram

and she's a pig. You know, she's out there doing whatever, and he told her you could fuck black guys. Didn't he say that to him? Yeah. You could suck that black yuck, the yuck stick,

whatever the fuck you want. You could do whatever the fuck you want. Just don't bring them to my fucking thing. If you go to a clipper game, it's all black people. Yeah. So what the fuck? You know,

it's like, now everybody knows. The guy is already. You just said it yourself. He's paid out before. Like, apparently, like, I forget the guy's name, but a player a couple years ago,

said like he like he like he like he it was his player on the court his highest paid player and he's saying like he's calling him the N-word and calling him stupid and he's a fucking it's like the uh that fucking cook a few months ago paulidine who who who wanted to have slaves at her brother's wedding you know what it's it's a terrible thing and and you hope racism isn't there and I think with each generation we're getting a little bit less racist but maybe it's always there but probably he'll give a fine Listen, it's always there.

You have to assume it's fucking there. And I'm not going to sit here and play the racist stick that I have no opportunities. You make your own up fucking tunities in this life. You'll never hear me say that I didn't get this and that because I'm... That bullshit. I've gone after it like a fucking Jew and eat.

You understand me? And if you're not going after it like that, then those are the people that throw a racist. Oh my God, I'm racist. They don't hire racist people. Keep that fucking. If you're the best of what you do when you go in there, it boils out,

they don't give a fuck more color. If I know you can... If a corporation knows you can make them... $80 fucking million, how he knows. He don't give a fuck what color they are. The only color he's concerned about is fucking green. There's a difference between being racist. I can't be racist.

I could talk shit because I'm trying to be funny and I'm a fucking moron, but I can never in my heart be racist. I can never, never, never in my heart because I know what these races have done for me. When I got out of the fucking prison, who tooted me? Who tooted me and gave me an education on economics

I never knew about? Muhammad Zabibib. Muhammad Zabib was his name Muhammad Zabib with Sandals on. I used to laugh with this guy This guy used to break bread with me in my house I used to break bread with him at his house I never ate hummus

You know, it wasn't popular then You know what I'm saying? It wasn't cool for fucking Arab Guy to bust out hummus People say put that away, it smells But you understand me So all the shit I talk is bullshit But you know what's coming And you know in my heart

There's people that just genuinely don't give a fuck And most people All those people I tell you what I didn't like though Like I looked at Snoop Dog's thing. And Snoop Dog was like, hey, to the president of the Lakers or whatever. Fuck you, you chicken-eaten motherfucker. Then you fight racism or racism.

Because I know when 10 black guys are together, they say, look at that fucking pencil neck or whatever they call. Chicken neck or whatever that white motherfucker. And I don't get mad at that. I don't get that. Hey, dog, that's what the media wants. That's what they want. They want that little anger in you. That 20% anger.

They want you to walk around. They're always trying to create this fucking thing. You don't hear about the doctor who saved the blind kid, but you always hear about the cop who said the racist statement in Oklahoma. They always come up with the fucking video of him hitting the fucking black guy. You know, they want that tension there. I don't want that tension there in my life. And some, the other day, I pulled up to a black guy, and I saw he had a Cadillac.

And I pulled up next to him. And I said something. Like, yo, what's happening, baby boy? And he looked at me like, well, this is another planet. But then I said, how's the Cadillac run? How is this, a new top of 2014, and we started talking. You know, you always notice that when you're around black people, you sound a little blacker.

Oh, you know, like a lot of people do. Hey, brother, you always throw like a slang or something at them. You know why? When I left there, I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me? But he knew what my heart was. Yeah. And that's the most important thing. When I watched 12 years of slave, a couple weeks ago, that point,

the first 45 minutes, I kept asking myself, why the fuck am I watching this? Oh, is it bad? I was here. Well, this isn't what I believe in. This is not my belief. This is not even my fucking world. I couldn't exist in those worlds in those times.

I couldn't exist. Those centuries were not made for me. I couldn't do that to another human being. But that's just fucking me. Yeah. You know, and then I watch it, and I remember it's a movie, and it's a story, and I try to digest it. You know, when I watched Amistad,

and they were throwing the black people off the fucking shit, you know, they were doing the same thing to Cubans in 79, who weren't paying. They were taking Cubans and going, you know, we called Lisa Ayat. He said he's going to pay you $2. 20 grand, but we called them back one additional 20 grand. And you go, fuck it, they throw you off the fucking boat. Andy Garcia has tried to develop that story now,

but what happens when the country opens up, that it's beautiful? You read about all the great stories about the guy who came without his children and opened up a restaurant, and they became a million and went back and got his kids, but you don't hear about all the people that got thrown off the fucking boats. You know, from all over this fucking world. What do you think? The Cubans were the only ones.

Blacks got thrown off fucking boats out there. Listen, man, every race fucking suffered. And when you make a statement like that, I've said it a thousand times. It's where your fucking heart is. Last weekend on the podcast, I said, chink and nigger on one fucking podcast. I didn't feel bad about it at all because I knew what my heart was. The biggest fan of the world, my main man, Chung up there in fucking Baltimore showed up there. He knows what my heart is.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I love Chinese people. I love Korean people. I couldn't have that hatred in my heart, even if I fucking tried. But it bothers me that people don't know the animal they're doing business. with. You gotta know the animal you're doing business with because then this

will happen. Always keep that in mind. This motherfucker thinks I'm a nigger anywhere at the fucking end of the day. I don't know when people think I'm a criminal at the end of the day. What's the difference in prejudice? I'm a felon. You don't think there's people in the comedy business or in real life that he went to prison at one time.

That's another word for me being fucking black. Felon in black is the same fucking word. So that was the only interesting part to me is because they're saying that the Clippers, the players and the coach should have the right to be a free agent at the end of the season. What would you do if, let's say the owner of

a comedy club chain, I don't want to say any of them, came out and had a tape like this and said, I hate Cuban people. Would you work at that comedy club? I don't know. I don't know because I know what this is. You think these comedy clubs

hire me because they like Joey Deers? They hide me because the church. to selling tickets and people come to see me. Exactly. I've been around for 20 years. I know what time it is with them and they know what time it is with me. Like I told, I was in

Graham Rapids and I was telling the other comedians when I get off stage, do you think I'm the type of guy that goes up to the comics and say, when I said that joke, did you see the emotional? I don't give a fuck. You think my material is any good?

I'm just telling you what's in my life. It's not brilliant fucking material. And there's another comic that actually works harder and sits down and writes a fucking joke for you or whatever. I try to do that, but I can't. But what I'm talking about is from my heart and the people feel it's fucking real.

What's my point, Lisa? I don't know. My point is that fucking, you know, I'm not the best comic out there, but people know all my heart is. When people come to see me and I do the cocaine with the cat joke, they're like, he really gave him his cat coke. Yeah, I was fucked up. I gave him a little fucking blast.

Did I torch? No, I love the fucking cat. I suffer until until I think about Finney. You know, this morning I woke up. I wake up on Monday. When I wake up every fucking day, the only one who's up in the house of the cats. Yeah.

I was telling you the other night that I have a little Siamese two girls Weewee, Evie and Lulu Yeah And it's amazing how sweet they are They're super bad sisters And they lost a brother

Demi Jr. DJ. They lost him, he died, right? But Superbad lived and the two girls lived. And I have other cats And I've never had three sweeter cats In all my life. I don't know what. Those cats have been mine since day one.

I've had them. in the yard as they were little kittens they played with me i seen lulu stand up to a father and i'm like he's gonna kill you lulu one day stood that cat thing where she got really skinny and hissed at him he was little she was a little fucking shit i loved those cats i saw those cats grow up i remember going on vacation to tennessee and my wife for three days and missing those cats and worrying about the cats calling home g was my friend then upstairs an african kid and his wife she was japanese And I paid him money to feed those kittens. I was so worried about him those three days because in the mornings, I'd be out.

I'd get in the shower and run downstairs and say, DJ would come running out and he'd play with a ball with me and then Superbed wouldn't talk to me. But the two girls would come close and that little chubby thing, Evie, that is my life. And when I wake up on Monday mornings, well, I wake up any morning, I've got to tell you, man, I go to each of them and I peck them and I give him a hug as the coffee's getting ready. I feed them. I tell my wife, I go, I got 10 minutes of cleanup. Who ripped this down off the couch?

Who spit up a fucking headball? Who fucking, you know, ripped a paper in half? Who knocked the garbage down? Like, if you eat shrimp and you put the shells in the garbage. Every morning I wake up to five minutes. But no matter how angry I am sometimes at him, like, I don't get angry, but I'm like, what the fuck? You know, I wake up to this shit. I pick them all up in the morning.

It's like, this morning I picked up fucking Fidel, and I pick him on him so hard. He's like, I get him, and go, oh. And I squeeze him, and I squeeze him. kiss him, I tell him I love him, and I pick up Lulu, and I picked up Evie, and I said, and Evie, you got to watch, because when you put it down, when you walk away from it, she swats at you because she gets mad that you're leaving,

so you got to walk backwards on that bitch. And it's funny, because those are the only two, like, I came over, and you saw, I mean, I'm cool with most of your cats now. Even Lou, like, the only two that, like, don't really mess with me. No, they don't mess with nobody. Lulu and Eve you don't mess with nobody. They're just, they're like her father. They're tough.

You know, this morning, as I was feeding them, I looked up, and Lulu had Harry by the fucking neck. She's just biting him by the fucking neck. And he's like, what am I doing? And then I broke him. I'm a blo-lo, stop it. And when Harry went away, I pet her, you're a good fucking girl.

That's a way to control that motherfucker. Put that hugging those cats, man, I can't be racist. It puts me in the best mood in the fucking world. When I leave that house, you know, 5.30, and after I hugged him on, like, as I was leaving, Demmy jumped on top of my backpack. Really?

Because he wanted love. He was sleeping when I was giving out love. And I went to pet him. He dropped. Like, for me, oh, pet him. my stomachs, my pet him, I got down, I kissed him, I told him, I loved him. And it's, uh, when I do that in the mornings, man, my day fucking changes. Like, no matter what, I wake up with, what bad thought is in my mind, what I went through over the weekend, what I'm thinking about, you know, as soon as I do that in the morning, so, listen, man, to the coach, Don Sterling, I don't know what the fuck is in your heart

and in your head and what you said, but you got to stay away from those scandalous fucking Those women are the worst. I mean, think of a woman who sells her soul. Look, and I pee every day, and I look at my dick, it's the ugliest fucking thing. Sometimes, you know, when you pee when you're 25 and you pee when you're 50, it's a different peat. I peed that to somebody fart in the fucking room.

You understand me? The stink that comes out of your pee hole is fucking amazing when you're 50. Your piss smells horrendous. Oh, my God. When I was a little kid, I used to have to clean my mother's bathroom at the bar, the men's bathroom. I would go in there, and the pee smelled

so fucking bad. It smells so fucking bad. As a young kid I go and go, what the fuck? My pee don't smell like that. Well, guess what? Now it smells like that. Sometimes when it comes out yellow, it's like a fart coming out of your dickhole.

Oh, God. And that girl sucks that old dick. I'm 51. I can't imagine my disgusting dick and my ball smell like. Well, he's just a terrible... He's still married to his wife. His wife went to the game yesterday.

Yeah, so if he's a terrible person, think about it. This guy is just a ball of fucking bad karma. It's money. But it's so funny that this chick, she sold her soul years ago. She sold the soul. I looked at her Instagram pictures of her and her range rover and her cars and her life is banging. And she probably pulls up at these places. And she had a professional photographer take these pictures of her with a bear on and all this shit.

Well, she probably wanted to be an action. Did you hear her? Did you listen to the tape at all? No. It's like, she was like, oh, but we love each other. And I'm black. I'm mixed and much I can't live in this world

that it still has racism in it it's such overacting but I mean it doesn't even know what she's saying she's just still regurgling on the fucking on the fucking whatever that's in the sperm that she drank that morning yeah she's still gurgling on the well there's a gluten free fucking sperm

these people don't know what the fuck they're talking about yeah he's 75 fucking years old that shit's gluten free he's got that old man's that'll knock your fucking wig off what the fuck Lee why we talk we're talking about we talking about this shit. Who gives this shit?

Where's my man Tony Bennett this morning? It's a beautiful day to be alive. Brush your teeth, comb your hair, smile in front of the mirror. Let these motherfuckers know you're dangerous. I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks. Yo-huh. What's up, Lysayat, you bad motherfucker? No edible thing.

I'm taking care of it. Because Wednesday I'm making it. I'm making your fucking hair grow in front of me. I don't want to hear those shit. Live, early morning. We're going for broke. It's the last day of the month. I'm giving you two days.

Divide them and see yourself. Go for a walk and get your energy up. I'll do whatever. I'm tying this table to your fucking back. I'm fucking Wednesday, God's sucker. It's going to be very interesting, though. He's going to make him sell the team. He's just as it started getting good.

He's going to be. to lose hundreds of millions of dollars. Well, you know what, man? The fix is in. They were in the playoffs. He just destroyed the whole playoffs. Oh, yeah, yeah. Like, that girl just destroyed the whole playoffs.

They're broken. They're walking around. And they're young, so they can't believe what happened. But they should have known. There's some people know where they're stand in life, and there's some people don't know what they're standing in life. Or they know where they stand in life. They just don't want to believe it.

They just don't want to believe it, Lee. And it's a big shocker when it happens. It shouldn't shock you, man. You know, you said something interesting if a comedy club owner was to say, listen, man, I know comedy club owners that hate fucking black people more than fucking Don Sterling, but they do black shows there. You know what? The owners leave on those nights.

They're not there. They don't give a fuck, you know, and they make money. They make cash register for all the black people. Cash registered with those sold nights and Freedom Mondays and all that fucking shit, you know? And they don't give a fuck. You got to assume these motherfuckers. There's some people who actually care for the human race. And they fucking...

Yesterday I went to church, you know, with my little fucking girl. And at the end of church, you know, you put them in daycare. My wife goes upstairs and I sit in daycare and watch them a little while. And there was the cutest little black girl in there. I just wanted to go over and hug her. And listen, man, it's not racism. But even at that age, they know this kid's different. Yeah.

There was six white kids in the room and one black girl. She was innocent. She didn't know. She doesn't know. But sometimes racism comes in the form of ignorance. It always is. It's just ignorance. You know, I would be ignorant of Jasper Williams didn't take my hand those days in Harlem. I would be very ignorant of Jasper Williams never walked me up to his fucking building and ate with me. Like, I don't know, their family had no fucking money. My family had money.

I remember going up there and taking out like a $10 bill when I was five. And they're all looking at me like, what a fuck do you get a $10 bill from? And I'd give him money and go buy sodas because that's when my money. mother taught me as a young man when you go to somebody's house even at fucking five i knew that you went down and got the ten dollars worth of soda and bringing i never bringing Pepsi up to the house and taking black people like Pepsi you know i like fucking coke but on Saturday nights it would open their couches for me we would dance and then they would look at me as being a spick or as being a fucking hunky or whatever they were opening their culture to me and I never forgot that lady I never

ever forgot that man never I could think of all my little black friends growing up in Catholic school, Lazzarito Vila, and just all these little black kids that... I don't know. I gave him extra love and attention. You know, I always like the underdog. I believe in the underdog, because I'm a fucking underdog, you know? But I think of those times, man, with that black family

and what they did for me and how I can never think that way. And I can never think that way about... And I talk a lot of shit. Dog, I talk a lot of shit. I'm the first one to tell you I talk shit just for the last in times because the word Hindu is funny. We said the word Hindu is fucking funny. But man, you know, there's a kid who came.

I met at the fucking weed store. I have Hindu friends, man. I don't give a fuck what they are at the end of the day. You know that. Me, if you're my brother, we're brothers at the end. At the end, you need a gun. Let's go get a gun and shoot these motherfuckers together because I know I get the same from you.

You know what I got somebody? Yeah. What's up, Cocksucker? Yo, what's up, little brother? Yeah. It's me. What's happened? Hey, Joe, what's up? Why do you call me Joe after 30 fucking years?

I told you about this already. It's either Coco or Diaz. Yeah, I know you don't like Coco. Oh, no, I like Coco. I don't like that Joe shit. I don't like when people from old school, people that I ate chicken cutlets at their house and fed me.

I don't like when they call me fucking Joe. You all right? You people knew me as Coco. What did your father used to call me? Coco, right? Yeah, I'm sorry. What's up, baby? Not too much, man.

I'm just working like a fucking dog. I don't say working like the slave. Don't say that today, please. I got enough fucking problems with what's his name, the coach of the the fucking owner of the fucking L.A. Clippers. What's up, Timmy? You know, I love you. We talk once a week.

We've been friends for a long time, and it's funny. Timmy always calls me and says, hey man, you know, I listen to the podcast, and when you were talking about being a kid on this block, that or what happened to that guy and it really inspires me to me it really uh does something to me when one of the kids i grew up with first of all i still talked to you you know i was very tight with your brother but i still talked to you a lot and uh that you like the show you like what we're

doing and the stories move you know yeah um you know i've been driving a truck for what is it since 804 85 so what is that almost like 30 years And I've always been a big fan of talk radio. Stern, O&A, and now with the podcast, I got tons of all my phone, but the regular as I listen to is you, Rogan, and Jim Flore and King, I like. But listening to your show,

it's weird because you bring up names from the past. And people I haven't thought of in so long and just I kind of forgot about that, they were even in my life, or I even met him. Like Louis Jerez, he talked about him before. I forgot about that guy. And then when I started thinking about him,

I think about him, he's hanging out of the kid Rabbit. He looked like the guitarist from Cheap Jack. Yeah. Remember that kiddie of the lone blonde hair? Yeah, yeah. I see him. He's still around real third. You know, it's weird, and for me to call in and beyond the show,

it's really weird because I never wanted to call into, like, a talk show. I mean, I listened, I just since 30 years to the talk radio, and I never wanted to be a caller. So for me to call in and talk and hear myself on the radio, it's fucking crazy. You know, and to see you, you know, acting in movies with the Niro, you know, and the guys you've acted with, it fucking blows me away. I'm sorry, it goes me away because these are guys growing up, you know, you see De Niro, we think, God, Father, too, man, a movie so good. great. And for you to be in his

presence, I know he's just a regular guy who puts his pants on one of the guy. I know all that's up but still, it's been here all, man. You know, and for you to have that success and stuff like that, and you made it, you know, we never would have bought that stuff when we were younger. It was crazy. It was just constant getting high

drugs and laughing and, you know, all that nonsense, we did, new little kids. It's, uh, Timmy, it's, I still remember going to see 48 hours with you. your brother. You know, I remember seeing Nick Nolte

were there at a store and just thinking about your brother Fernie and Glenn Conte in the dead of the winter going to see that movie. I'm laughing our fucking asses off. You know, that's what, it's crazy to me that I went to see these guys with you guys. You know, I went to the movies with you guys and now I'm standing next to these guys.

It's fucking crazy. And for me, I just laugh. Timmy, I laugh because if they only knew, if people only fucking really knew. Like, there's people, listen to this podcast

and still probably go, you know, what the fuck, Joey, we like you, you don't know. They don't know, they don't know that,

you know, I used to snort coke under that rocket ship on 88 Street field and, you know, that little rocket ship, I remember doing an eight ball

and my nose was bleeding and crying because I didn't know when my life was going to change, you know? And it's amazing, Timmy, I'm not a,

I'm not a millionaire, I'm not financially, none of that shit, but, You know that I'm rich in life. Like, what happened here is a fucking once in a lifetime, especially the guys like us, man. It's, it's, if you...

Go ahead. No, no, I just thinking those Sunday dinners at your house with your grandmother, if I were to pop my head up at one of those Sunday dinners, I looked at all years and go, hey, not for nothing. I'm happy you Irish and German motherfuckers fed me. But in 30 years, I'm going to do a movie with De Niro. Your grandmother would have thrown a fucking can at me, Doug.

She would have thrown shit at you. She would have thrown shit at me. So to us, Timmy, this is fucking out of this world, Timmy. This is something that is unbelievable. I remember the time when the water broke in Jersey City, and I took your brother down to the shore, and he got burnt to death with the sun tan, remember? And we took him back,

and your grandmother was in the living room, and your brother was fucking purple from the son. He was purple. they kept putting that yellow ointment out of them that what's that pink shit what's that pink shit to me oh my god you know calamine

calamine lotion right they kept putting calamine lotion so your grandmother I get down there and I'm like what's up roger you coming I ain't going nowhere look what you motherfuckers did to me yesterday I'm all red and the whole time he's yelling at is your grandmother is at the dinner table drinking a beer going like this put noxema on it

she kept saying put noxema on it and your brother kept saying it and looking at your grandmother and then he kept looking back like Coco how am I going to go out tonight and your grandmother kept saying put naxema on it

and he looked at it and he goes grandma say noxema one more fucking time I dare you and your father's like Roger relax she keeps saying fucking noxema put the knoxima on it Yeah, it was

Yeah, my brother was A whole difference. We had, my brother is so much different now He's not the same person The road back then And, uh, you know Timmy, he couldn't be Timmy, he couldn't be

We've had this conversation About your brother before He could not be We could not continue to do Him, Glenconti, and Fernie Live in this other world now Because I'm the only one that could believe What happened

I think you know why Because I put my mother in a cat basket at 15 and I believe that anything could fucking happen at any time in this life. Glenn Conti listens to Joel Osteen now. Can you believe that? My brother, Glenn Conti, who was in the car with us, who did blow and ran over hookers, you know, you got your brother. Last time I saw your brother, I said to him, hey, you still banging hookers? And he goes, no, now I let them jerk me off with their feet. Do you understand me? These are the guy, Fernie, I don't know what happened to him.

But if people understood that year and a half, what us three did together, what us four did together, me, your brother, and those two guys, you know, Timmy, this morning when I was thinking of calling you, I was sitting there drinking coffee one day and I had to tell you the truth. If somebody came to me today, some white guy with greasy hair and a suit and a fucking cross on, and he said to me, Coco, I got a deal for you. I'm going to give you one night with Ferney, Conti, and Roger. you're going to meet at 8 o'clock I'm going to give you all the blow the quay ludes whatever the fuck you want I'm going to give you a car it's not going to get pulled over but at the end of the night

you die and you have to walk away from all this I'd have to tell them to give me 24 hours because I'd have to think about it that's how much I miss those guys and that camaraderie like it was two years and you know you got to remember

Timmy my mother had just died if it wasn't for your brother and those guys and your family with the Noxema stories and all that shit. I wouldn't be here, man. I would have been an insaneer some. They really, they, that's where I remember. My most memories of you were me, you, and guys sitting in Ronnie's basement. Remember behind a pile of laundry?

You have the climb over Ricky's dirty underwear. Oh, my God. They had six feet of fucking laundry downstairs. And your brother used to go, I would go downstairs by the high hurdle over the fucking clothing. It's weird It's not just Do you look back on some of the stuff

And like It's not real Do you feel like some of it's not real It didn't happen And then you think I remember it happened But you get that weird feeling It's like you didn't do

I don't know I don't know if you feel the same way I do No everything that I did in North Bergen was real Because I was so fucked up Druped up You know And years have gone by with all the drugs and everything,

you know, just being, you know, I haven't had a drink since 2001, but, you know, I smoked a little leaf here and there, and, you know, I can't because of my job, but you just can't go back, you know what I mean? Growing up is tough, you know what I mean, to be a man and a father and all that stuff,

not easy. It's really not easy, man, to be out there with responsibilities and stuff like that. No, no, no, no. Tell me it's not. But, you know, we did it to that. We pushed the drug hill to it. Listen, man, I have a baby girl.

I have a 16-month-old baby girl. It's over. It's over now. It's over, but listen to me. I had this opportunity once before, and I don't fucking remember it. I don't remember it to me. I don't remember changing diapers.

You know, me and that little girl don't talk today, and I don't blame her. Because I don't remember a lot of things because I put cocaine first. You know, and a lot of people do that in the beginning that they try to get their life back. I got a second chance. Tim, I'm the second chance guy, you know. I keep getting second fucking chances in life and I, you know, do the best I can with them. But I don't remember, you know,

so I know that when you have a child, right now I quit smoking two months ago. I don't know why. I don't know. I didn't want it in the house no more. I was sick and tired of having it in my lungs. But at the other hand, I want to look her in the face sometimes, you know, I want to, I want it to be real, you know? And, Tim, what my point was with your brother before and those guys in the car is that I miss those time so much, it hurts. I miss those guys so much, it hurts. And it's 30 years later.

I miss those guys. I've been talking to Fernie's brother online, but I still haven't busted the question yet, how your brother's doing. Because I don't know how he's going to react. You know, Fernie put a lot of his blame of his life on me and us. Yeah, yeah, he went down pretty hard.

It's just a Peter for a while, and I said, I told you. I've seen him, I guess, it must have been the early 90s. He was working in Leo's, and Hoboken. And that restaurant is working as a cook in the back there. And then I don't know what happened to him after that. I haven't seen him. But, yeah, Fernie was a good kid, man. He was quiet.

You know, he was a really good kid. I know him since when I moved up to 64th Street, and when I think I was the fourth and fifth grade, and you were probably, that's when you first moved into North Bergen. I moved to North Bergen, but I didn't go out in North Bergen until like 75 was when I went to McKinley.

Yeah, I remember you from the basketball courts across the street from Balzano's house. I remember when I was a kid, seeing you down there, you know, with snow bush and all them guys, you know, all them other guys, the benders and all them guys. You guys were a couple of lots away from us. but uh

yeah it's it's all it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's you know the things that you talk about because it brings it back so vividly you know what I mean and it's uh

sometimes I just I have to stop the truck in there and I find myself you know like almost you know crying because I miss it too

but you know what I went through to get off drugs it was it was a living out I had to go down to Florida for months

and detox or for pills which is hell and you know Roger was doing the same thing and we were in deep man and uh you know

and still today you know I have really bad bad pains and driving a truck all day and you know I struggle man I struggle with it and uh you know it's

to be clean and sober and clear-minded is one of the greatest things in the world but for a drug addicts like me and you, you know what I mean, we still savor the drug thing. If I say, you'd want to go back with it,

half the time of the full. That's such an insane thought. Only a drug addict would think like that, you know what I mean? But that's the way I think, and that's the way I feel, too. You know what I would... If I wanted to go back,

it would... I always say to myself, like, I'd call life again, I would still do drugs again, but I wouldn't get it bad, you know what I mean? Instead of saying to say to yourself, well, I'll never touch drugs again.

I'd say, I'd go back, I would just take it easy with the drugs, which is insane talk, because I'm a drug addict, I'll never take it. You know what I mean? So that's just, it's ingrained in me.

It's the way we grew up, it's our generation, you know, this generation coming up, I don't know, my sons, who knows what's going to happen, Joe. I don't know, it's a crazy world out there. I really don't know, man. You know, it's crazy because

I stopped doing the Coke and the pills, but the transfer of addiction, I went over the reefer. I felt that was the, the that was where I was the safest was with reefer you know and when I say I would go back I mean I don't think I could ever do a line of coke again or a pill I got excessy at the house I got pills at the house I look at them you know once a week and go what right when am I going to give this away just to sit with them just to sit with them and drive for an hour and talk about where our

lives went and what happened and you know it would be great to see them you know when I go home always think of calling him Roger, but I know deep down inside, me and Roger are best friends from afar. You know what I'm saying? I know that Roger would be uncomfortable if I went and tried to smother his private life. I know that Roger would feel very uncomfortable. After three minutes, he'd have nowhere to go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our conversation would have nowhere to go. And he's my brother, and that's the way it is with us now. No, I know. And listen, the most important thing. Yeah, the most important thing about life is knowing where you stand. If you don't know where you stand with your people and your friends, it's going to be a nightmare.

And I love Roger the dead, but I would never call Roger and say, hey, where's your address? I'm on my way because he would have a nervous breakdown. You talk to you for 10 minutes, and I are, I, I'll see you later. And he's been doing that since he was a kid, but now, at least 20 years or I'd go to eat with him. Remember when you could go to eat with him, it was always fun. He would torture people while he was eating and whatever.

He wouldn't even do that. Now, I'd get him to loosen up. I could get him to loosen up, not to. to smoke pot, nothing like that, but I could get him to laugh and to crack a racist joke or something. He was always good for something. But it's really weird that in this day and age, Timmy, I still call you, you call me, we laugh. You'll say, hey, you told that story the other day. That was fucked up. You know, I forgot all about that. We grew up. And listen, man, I don't know what the fuck I am. I don't know. But I tell you one thing, we met a lot of interesting people growing up. I know

I did. Yeah, yeah. And just in our fucking blocks. Just, just, you know, I still remember the most popular neighborhood for crazy people in our neighborhood was 64th Street Field. For a lot of people who know North Bergen,

who may not know North Bergen, it's like eight parks where kids used to hang out in. But the one that had the worst reputation was 64th Street Field. And every time you'd walk past it, you always had to be prepared. Like some kids are like, we're going to walk past it real quick

and look straight. Don't look at them. Don't look at them. you know but there was the rocks I still remember one night snort and coke at Randy Mergill's house until 5.30 in the morning and going we got to go for a walk

me him DiAgostino and we had to be there at 7 in the morning at school I used to go to school first period I had CIE work study program I'm a fucking junior and it's 530 in the morning again for your people at home I'm a junior in high school it's 5 30 in the morning with snort and coke

at somebody's house the first class at 7 30. This is why I'm fucked up. This is why this podcast is crazy. And I remember making a right on that corner by Lincoln School and walking down to the field and thinking I was just going to get there and seeing quirky and 20 other people on

the rocks with their shirts on from going to work the day before. I thought I was doing something cool, but there was 20 other fucking people that were men that were already out, still drinking from the night before. They hadn't even gone home after fucking work. All them guys

were that was corkey the Worthington brothers my wife's family Dowling, Billy Darling, Tommy Dowling all them guys yeah they were the next level up from us you know Randy, me, you and Randy and the Thomas, Davey Thomas

Joey Thomas. Davey Thomas were who taught me how to go fagbagging. That's who went faggagging first. He's the first guy to tie up some guy. He tied up the piano player from Lawrence Welk. He's the first guy ever. to fucking cause damage on 60, 4th Street film.

These kids were fucking crazy, but these kids, nobody was rich, Timmy Holloway, correct or no correct? Nobody was rich, bro. There was a couple people that had money uptown, but besides that, everybody fought for themselves. And if anybody found that, you had money, we'd try to take it. Like, you couldn't go out at night without you jack. We jacked you for a 10, something.

If we knew you had a 50 on you, we had to walk with a 10 with something. You know, I just, I could write a book about the two years I spent with Roger and how many laughs I had and how many times, man, I wasn't sure about my life. But Roger made me laugh and it made me forget about it. I remember the night that Glenn Conti beat that kid up and broke his jaw. And two nights later, I get a call from Roger.

He's at Gregory 7 Day weekend and he's going crazy. This is when your brother was definitely the funniest man in America. He still is. This is right around the time you pulled up with the car and you let the lights on, the blinkers on. And he came out and he goes, was Timmy, what's the circus coming to town? Turn the fucking blinkers up. I'll never forget that statement, but we were at Corky's.

Yeah, yeah, it's weird. I can hardly remember that far back, man. From all the abuse in my brain. I know what you're talking about, but I can hardly remember it because I know what happened and it's there, but... You can't close your eyes, Timmy, for one second. Close your fucking... I can't imagine him.

being that guy anymore. Oh, no, he's not that guy. Oh, no, no, no. And look at me. I'm not that guy anymore. I'm not the guy that used to call you and say, pick me up and going on a fucking ride to me.

Yeah, you know. You'd be naked in the back of my car. Oh, we wouldn't. I wouldn't do that to nobody anymore. But it's so funny that Glenn Conti had just broken that kid's jaw. I don't remember what the kid's name was.

And his jaw was wide up and he was at Corky's waiting for Glenn Conti. There was a little bounty waiting for Glenn Conti. And you're, brother, the balls on your brother. He walked right into the storm at 8 o'clock. You know, people used to go out at 10 then? Not your brother. He went out at 8. He was going to get the jump on the night. And he would call me up. Cocoa Loco, where are you at? I'm a corkies. Come on up.

I just got a pack. It's come on up here. And I remember walking in and the Johnny Vest was working. Do you remember the bartender Johnny? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So he called him Johnny Vest, right? And your brother at that time was a professional bartender killer. Okay, if there was a bartender, your job, your brother's job was to torture him until the guy quit. He did it to the guy at the Mike Kai. Remember he had that Chinese restaurant? He used to call the guy over and karate chop him. He used to pay a Chinese guy to let him karate chop him.

You'd walk into the Mike guy and he'd go watch this. Come here. The guy would walk over and the guy would put his neck down and Roger would go, Ha! You can't write that shit. You can't write that shit. Roger, give him like a 10. Here's a 10.

Let me karate chop you one time. So we're at this fucking Gregory 7th day weekend. That was the name of the bar. And I walk in and they were all looking at me because I'm Glenn Conti's friend. Glenn Conti broke this guy's jaw on a Monday night. It's Wednesday. Who goes out on a fucking Wednesday with an eight ball? I walk up and in those days your brother used to smash the ashtrays at the bar.

You remember those black plastic ashtrays? Timmy, he would bang him on the bar until they broke in his. half and the guy would just keep breaking them and put new act why would you put a new ashtray up there and he'd get carried away and pick up the ashtray and start banging johnny vests give me a double give this cocksucker a double too give the coco local get over here and then he yelled cocoa's in the house put your wallets in your front pocket you know you'd always say that remember he would always say that wallets in front pockets wallets in front pockets Cocoa loco and all of a sudden he started hitting the ass trays

and the guy that had that broke that Glenn Confi had broken his jaw was wired up sitting right next to Roger and Roger is looking but he's close to Roger like he's listening to Roger's conversation and Roger's looking at me and he's fucking hitting that the thing he's like Coco loco's in the house Coco loco's in the house and all of a sudden he's like how you doing buddy you know how he hit your ass and go how you doing buddy And with one of those, how are you doing buddies? He looks over at this guy, and the guy's looking at me.

He goes, what do you want? A jawbreaker? And he looks right back. He asked this motherfucker, what do you want? A jawbreaker? And he went right back to me, like he hadn't said nothing. And I just had to keep it fucking together and laugh my ass off, man. But Timmy, I'm happy that, you know, you always call the show and you're still my friend.

And you got me lost last time on the way to Artie Lang. but you know Timmy after all these years we're still fucking friends brother and I love you to all my heart and I love that you're still in my life man I really I wouldn't know what to do if you weren't in my life and we have friends we talk about we talk about my man Guy Tabasco and you know but we come from a you know Timmy and I'll tell you why I miss that time because I don't have that no more if I had that camaraderie right now I'd be a different man out here you know if I had Darren Rago's still alive.

I'd be, I'd have a different man. I'd be a different man, you know? Well, he was, he was, uh, he doesn't very close to me just before we died. And I, I've seen him and he was, he was, uh, I don't know, I, I, he wasn't himself, he was, right? Because he was notaried with a kid, and he didn't want to be there either, you know what I mean?

But she was trying to, she was trying to tame him. No, no, she was trying, bro, women's job is to tame us. It's just at what time they were. walk into wildlife. He couldn't came in. He was destined for whatever the way he went out. You know what I mean is sad.

But he was destined for something bad to happen to him alone. He was really wild that kid. And he was into stuff that. None of us. Well, I know you know more than I do, but, you know, he was into some crazy shit. You know, it's funny. I have a picture of him on my wall and then I have a little thing

that on Mondays, I read my mind. Monday I put water out for the spirits and I let a candle for them. In fact, on the way here, I think I looked a candle early. I don't want the house to burn down. And I look at their pictures and I look at all of them, Darren, Dominic Spacielo, Anthony Bousanno, my mother, you know, I look at my friend's daughter, Emma. I have all their pictures out there and I think about them, man. And those guys give me strength because they're not here, but I know they're watching over me, you know, I know that Darren watches over me and I know that Anthony Balsano, you know, I think about these guys. I keep these guys.

guys alive in my heart and it makes me strong it makes me stronger than fucking death to keep these guys alive because it's all I have you know I really it's so weird I keep these memories alive because it keeps me moving forward it reminds me who the fuck I am I never ever wanted to forget of who the fuck I was man never it gave me so much strength growing up with you guys I never wanted to forget so thank you for calling me and thank you for always digging the podcast and shit brother Yeah, it's a great...

Like I said before, I I know radio because I've been listening for years. And like I said last week, and that lady, you guys you guys were getting loud on that lady

knocked on the door. That was just, that was great radio, man. I was laughing my asshole. I want to happen. And, uh, it's a really, it's a good show. We're a good producer. You know, and, uh...

Fuck, Lee. I love listening. It keeps me engaged. You know what I mean? There's something about it that I love listening. I don't know. I don't know because I know all the stories and I know all the people. But it is a good radio show.

And I hope you have to continue to success with it. Well, I love you, brother. And I'm happy that you still contact me and we call each other and we fuck around and we giggle. And we, you know, I like when you call me after a podcast and go, hey, man, when you were talking about that the other day, I remember that, situation. But you're my buddy and I'm happy that you called on a Monday and we'll talk soon, my friend. Give my best to your family always. All right, man. I love you too, brother. I love you, brother. Stay black and black.

That's the real deal, brother. That's as real as it gets. Cocksucker. What the fuck are you looking up? What do you want a jawbreaker? Then he went right back to me like nothing happened. And the guy's face just turned. And that was, you know, it was amazing that you guys, you guys, guys always send me emails and say, hey, man, you know, thank you. I was on OxyContin, I was on heroin, I lost 200 pounds. You guys send me all these fucking emails. You want to thank me and Lee, I got to tell you something. I want to thank you guys. Because since I've done this, you keep me on my fucking toes. I've become a better stand-up. I become a better man. I become a better father. I become a better person all around because you guys keep me on my

fucking toes, man. So when you guys come to the shows and give me a hug and you buy a stupid fucking mug or a patch. You let me know that the little world that I believe in is still around. There's good fucking people. There's people that fucked up and now we're scratching to come back. On the meantime, we're fucking doing all the right things.

We put our blinkers on, we make a left for the right. We pick up garbage, we pay our taxes. We take the garbage out. These are the fucking things you've got to do, man. Everybody thinks that you have to do all these other things to be successful. It all starts with little fucking things, man. You know, the little things.

Being a better friend, torturing Lee, making a meet an edible every day, making your friend walk, making your friends better. That's what Rogan did when he opened up the door for us, you know, for us to be better, man. He wanted me to be better, and hurry to be better, and Duncan, and it happened, so now we're opening up the floodgates.

And the next one is you, you know? Everybody has, you know, the other day I was talking to Lee how, I went to get gas at 5 in the morning before I went to the airport, and I saw a guy, Maybe 10 years younger than me, maybe 40 pumping gas outside, smoking a cigarette. And as I was pumping the gas, I saw he had two assistants in the truck, two young guys, you know, 18, 19. And they were just sitting there and they had both had this look on their face like, what the fuck are we doing here?

You know? And it's the same look I had on my face when I was that age because you're like, what the fuck am I going to do? Is this my life? Is this my future? And you look at the guy that is driving the truck. your crew leader, and this guy is no fucking, you know, this guy's no Einstein. And you start looking at him thinking, is this going to be my life? And the guy gets back in the truck and tells you if you work hard, you're going to be able

to buy your own house. Look at me. I got a two-bedroom flat. And he's selling you, and you're looking at this guy, like, this guy is fucking delusional. But at the same time, he's very proud of what he's done, but we don't look at it that way. We look at it like the guy's a waste of time. This guy's been working hard for 20 years, and what does he have a fucking, boat in a fucking house and he worked six days a week. I could sell drugs. I could do this. We always

think of the shortcut. I always took the shortcut. I'm not going to lie to nobody. I always thought I could do better than this guy, but I had to sell drugs or had to rob somebody, you know. It's so weird. I remember that feeling. I was telling, you know, Lee does a podcast about guys of the 25 and on them what they go through. And that's, I think that's the biggest fucking thing is confusion and fear. and I didn't have it because of these guys. I never thought about it because of these guys. These guys were such an effect on me from Roger Holloway. I mean, he was fearless.

I had two guys in my life that did not give a fuck about their surroundings. And they would let you know what was on their mind. And if you crossed them, they would fucking fight you to the end. It was going to be a nightmare for you. And one was Roger Holloway, who was no tough guy. And the other one was Mike running. I learned from them so much. And this is why I didn't fracture all those years when I was young.

I didn't have nothing and I doubt myself because of the people I had around me. So I keep them close by because if they help me then, they keep me together now. Even with a little conversation and a little fucking call, you know what I'm saying? So I'm very proud of that today. But I'm proud of you guys. Thank you for a love you, give me in the respect. And Lee, it's amazing. Lee can never be a racist.

Every fucking city I go to, there's always the biggest blackest guy comes up to me to CIS. Where's the motherfucking Lee? It is amazing. I had three fucking doors. I had three black doors come up to me in Baltimore asking me about fucking Lee. Where's Lee at? Where's Lee at? People always ask me with Lee at.

It's always big black burly motherfuckers. I love it. So you couldn't be racist even if you wanted to be a guy sucker. I mean, everyone has, and before Timmy called, I was going to ask you, the only time I ever thought about it, and not being racist, but I thought about with my last girlfriend, I thought about with Paula, is when you're a kid growing up you never imagine

you always imagine your kids being white now with Paul my kids aren't going to be if I have kids with Paul they're not going to be white I'm interested in what like your wife thinks

because your wife comes from Tennessee I don't think she ever thought she's going to be having a kid with a Cuban guy I don't think her family ever thought that so I'd be interested I don't think she's racist but I can't imagine

that's what she imagined love yeah love is love man you know And sometimes I see a hot, real Japanese room with a white guy or something. And I giggle and I go, love is love. And love doesn't have color barriers.

Yeah. You know, and what the fuck you're going to do? Yeah. And I was thinking about it because, like, all these white people are all up in arms. I can't believe Donald Sterling. But how many of them, if they brought a clipper home, like a black guy home and a with a white girl, how many of the dads would be like, ooh? Like, I mean, it's, that's the only part that annoys me.

people, when I said earlier that I think with each generation people are getting less racist I actually think people are getting just more hiding it more. It's like more PC. Because like I know people from my hometown if like the girl, there's always like that one white girl who only dates black guys

and it's just people talk about it. It's just the world we live in. Like I said, I talk a lot of shit but I can never be racist just because of my, you know, my admiration for all the different racism what they have to bring to the table. What I took from them. What I took from them, you know,

I took a lot from black humor, you know. I took a lot from, I take a lot, man. I read and I love so. But I also, before something sad or something, I always think of a struggle, you know, because I had the same struggle, maybe in my heart, maybe, you know. I don't know. The only time I thought about racism was one time in Jersey,

Mr. Fontana, a gym teacher. Two kids were talking in Spanish. Peter Jimenez and somebody else, and he made them walk home because he told him this is America. And I remember how the kids reacted. Me going home and telling my mother, my mother's like, you know what?

I don't agree with him making the kids walk, but I agree with him for what he said. I understand where it's coming from. You can't be mad at him. He's trying to make you an American and make you better or something. So it's how we fucking perceive it. Wasn't the same gym teachers

who Mr. Balzana had to go No, I was Mr. Totoro, and that was two incidents. And I got to tell you some guys, that's the only two incidents I've had in my life. And that's why I don't let racism affect me. I don't let racism bother me. When I see it, it bothers me. But what the fuck are you going to do?

If you leave the house thinking that all these people you come in contact with are not racist, you got a big fucking surprise coming to you. You got to assume that 50% of the people walking around are two-faced motherfuckers. Two-faced motherfuckers. 50% and I'm being generous on that number. I'm talking about people who don't like you and will smoke your weed.

People, you know, I was not raised to be that way. If I didn't like you, I had a problem with you. I stay the fuck away from you. I don't hang out with you. He's having a party. You don't say nothing. He's got tons of money. Let's go.

You're like, why really don't fucking like Hindus? Who cares? He'll cover his feet. You won't see his toes. He's got tons of money. No. He'll cover his feet. You know, I'm just saying.

I'm just making a fucking example. That's how I was raised. You don't like somebody or you don't like somebody. or you don't like somebody's politics, you stay the fuck away from it. But in today's society, people don't give a fuck. People do not give a fuck. You know, I really appreciate the Rogan show the other night

because there's Jerry Diaz fans and there's people that don't want to talk to me to the Rogan fans. They're too smart. Rogan has a section of fans. They're just too smart. They're just, you know, they're too intelligent.

They're too fucking smart. They, you know, they think of everything. You know, he gave a Coke to the cat. He must be a fella. You know, like I said, People are prejudiced in me because I'm a felon. And when you're a felon, it's just another word for being black. That's why I tell people to stay the fuck black.

Because no matter what I do, I always have the stink of a felon on me. What do you think I never went and did the paypoint to get the felony taking off? I don't give a fuck. Because I could hide it, but it's in my walk. It's in my style. It's who the fuck I am. And I can either hide it and put it away, like a shame. Like most people in this country do that they're ashamed of the mistakes they've made,

I put it out there. So when I say something, you know, You go. I know why he said that. I know why he means that. I know what he's coming from. So as far as I'm concerned, I ain't going no fucking clip of games either. Fuck him. Fuck him.

I want to give out some fucking, who are you saying? You're just not going because it's too expensive. I don't give a fuck. I don't even like him, but now I don't like him even more. I want to give a shout out to my favorite fucking Chinaman, Chung Kennedy. Last name of Kennedy. I don't know how to fuck that happened. A bad fucking guinea zonio!

I love your cocksucker. Jesse in Ontario, thank you for the love. Toxic. Get it together, cocksucker. Toxic is one guy that hit me up from MSNBC. He was MSNBC. You guys, he was locked up. He came out.

He had no money, and I understood. So I sent him a letter and explained to him. The Teflon Jew. I always love your daughter. Diego Jordan, Ryan Gratsby, and Chris I rent. I love you, motherfuckers. You know, the Churchwood's Napin' Now, eating ass in 73.

That's our new motto. You understand me? Some people have a motto of 20 million birds. I don't give a fuck, just making people fat. The church of what's happening now? Eating ass since 73. Joey, who's ass didn't you eat when you were 10? The girl upstairs, Yvette Torres.

We used to wake up in the morning, she had hair on her pussy. I had it, and she let me smell it and licking it and shit. Not that I ate it the right way, I just looked at it. She had a little bushy on the fucking pussy. I loved it. You understand me? I loved that. Let me tell you something for you fucking people in Texas.

I love Texas. I love everything that you stand for. I'm a fat fuck. I belong there. I can't wait to go so I can buy some clothes. it fits. Yeah, because 2X in Texas

is fucking huge. Oh, really? Oh, a 2X here. It's like a fucking skinny person. That's how they get you. You buy a 2X in fucking Texas, see what it looks like. Looks like a fucking blanket.

Oh, good. A 4X in Texas is like fucking the size of this building. It's amazing when you buy clothes in fucking Texas. It's completely fucking bigger. All those numbers they give you at C's and Walmart.

Those are for European fucking fat people. You understand me? It ain't got fluoride in their system. That shit. down in in Texas, you're going to see the clothes

they have for fat people. Because when you're fat, and you go to fucking big and tall all those stores and you travel,

they have your clothes. When you go to Chicago and you see a fat guy, you got the same shirt as you want. Okay. You look at each other

like two fucking jerkos. We've talked about this before. In Texas, they got fat tailors for fat people. You'll get clothes

that nobody else in the world has. Oh shit. So you were saying about Texas. So I'm not fucking around. San Antonio, Houston, and Dallas.

I love you guys. If you want to come see me this year, I love to see you, do me a fucking favor. Come to Austin, the 15th through the 17th. That's all I'm telling you, because I got no other dates in Texas. The improv of Houston, Dallas ain't going to put me in there. San Antonio hasn't gotten back to us, so it's fucking Austin. So if you haven't fucking seen me all year and you want to have a good time,

you want to smoke some vapor hits and eat some pot cookies and get Lee to fucking give you a back rep, come on down to Austin. That's all I'm saying. I'm not even advertising it. I'm just fucking telling you because I don't want to hear you later. When are you coming to Dallas? I ain't coming to fucking Dallas and I ain't coming to fucking Houston, okay?

Right now it's not in the books. What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? Invent myself there, get a tent so I can go down there and zoom myself in? I can't. Austin's where it's at. Not this week, not the week after,

but the week after, the flying juice coming with me. This week, this week, I'm in Santa Barbara Rogan and sold out, but the week after that, I'm in Santa Fe at the Camel back fucking casino, 8 o'clock Saturday night and I'm my man Ari Safia. You know what I'm saying?

What's with the questions? I don't know. He gives back ruffer. What? He does. He doesn't. No, I don't like when the Jews give back ribs. I don't like people rubbing me from behind. You know, I told you already. And I know who I just noticed? He didn't ask me to do this or anything. Edwin San Juan's in the Pichanga Comedy Club this weekend, May 2nd and 3rd. Because I was just looking at his Twitter. And I don't know. He's funny. He opened for you a couple times. So you should go see him.

How about I stab you right in the fucking forehead where the grease spot should be? How come you don't put fucking grease in your hair? I have no hair to put the grease in. Go to the fucking the store today and buy the EMF gel and put some on your head. Do you look beautiful? What happened? The sound went down again? No. What do you press some buttons for? Mind you, what's it the questions? That's my whole thing. I press buttons.

I want you to do me a fair. I want you to find the last two minutes of dogs by Pink Floyd. That's the anthem of the day today. I want to give some shout-outs to my fucking tremendous sponsors. Onit. That's always there for me. Onit.com has been there since the beginning. I didn't know what they were about. Joe Rogan sold him for me a little bit. told me about them then I started taking on it I'll tell you what the alpha brain thank you for that to turn around 180s if you fly a lot if you're a

businessman and you fly a lot and you don't want that that little last bit people call it jet lag I don't know what the fuck it is but you get that little last bit of tiredness you can't shake drink a 180 or change your whole fucking life protein the hemp protein you can't fucking beat it 16 grams of protein it tastes delicious I like the chocolate but the assay even though it is not bad either go with the chocolate fucking tremendous. You won't shit blood. Have you mixed it? Yeah. No, no, I've never missed

mixing. Like a black and white. I don't know how it would taste. I don't know if the thing would blow up. It's protein powder. Next thing, you know, I'm missing a finger like, some fucking Arab guy, because I'm mixing fucking protein powders and shit. My point is, honor is there to take care of you. They have a money back guarantee. They have digestive

enzymes. They've got kettlebells. Do me a favor. Just go to honor and look at the web page. I don't even know what's in the shroom tech sport. Which is a fat fuck gives me an extra 20 minutes. I'm sore the next day, and there's nothing you can do. That's why you pop the strong bone or you drink the fucking whatever else they have for soreness. But as far as energy, real fucking energy, lung energy, not you're going to be jittery and shit like that. The Shroom Tech sport, I can't

fucking push it enough and the Shroom Tech immune. If you fly a lot or if you're in weird situations, you're a coach, you're around a lot of kids. When you're around a lot of kids, smells like the fucking flu. Don't be that motherfucker. Take Shroom Tech sport. All right, go to Onet. Go to Onet.com. If you like on your own, look around what they have. If you're going to order something, go to Joey Dears.net, see if I'm going to be in your town, and put what in the box? Church. Church, C-H, U.R-C-H in the box, and you get 10% off.

Look into the Stay-on-A program. They'll mail you the stuff to your house at the first every month. Like Thursday, you'll get a whole new fucking batch of whatever the fuck you're doing, and they'll send it right to your house, and you get 20% off to 10 I'm giving you and 10 extra for doing that. Go to honor.com today. See what they got to offer. You're not going to be sorry.

From kettlebells to battle ropes to fucking grenades. on it does it all. Hulu Plus, you know what, man? Again, every week I get emails from people, this week I answer 92 fucking emails. That was the most in about three or four weeks. Wow. And I got to tell you, five of those emails

where people thanking me, they're about Dollar Shave Club or Hulu Plus. They didn't know about things like Hulu Plus. Lee used to tell me about all the other companies, but once Hulu Plus looked into us and we looked into them, we love it. They got shows that kill. It's not Hulu.com.

It's Hulu Plus for a fucking reason. They got your favorite shows, Shark Tank, Daily Show. They got shows you want to binge, you want to catch up on stuff. You know, some people work all fucking there. They ain't got time to watch TV every night. But Sunday, you want to smoke 15 joints and watch six episodes. Hulu Plus has that for you. It's for people who want to binge and hang out.

And here's what the beauty is. It's $7.99 a month. You think that. You compare that to the rest of the shit that's going on in your life. $7.99 a month. That's $2 a week to watch $20,000 fucking shows, games, documentaries, movies. Go to Hulu, Plus. Go to Joey Dears.net.

Go to Hulu Plus box and press in. Joey. Boom! J-O-E-Y. Get two weeks, gratis. Boom, on the fucking arm. Who gives you that off the bat? You ever go buy weed? The guy gives you a joint and says, try that and come back later.

No, fuck no. You gotta pay up front. No money, no ticket, no sucky, no fucky. That's how it is old school. The same thing with Hulu Plus, but they give you two weeks for free. Check into Hulu Plus right now. Joey Diers. What's in the box, brother?

Joey. Joey. J-O-E-Y. Same thing with Dollar Shave Club. Like I said, every couple weeks, I get a bunch of emails, people thanking me. They didn't know. They didn't know. Well, now you know.

For a dollar, $6 and $9, $9, you get tremendous fucking razors set to your home. You don't got to leave. You don't got to go to the store. You don't got to go to 7-Eleven and smell fucking Hindu toes. You don't got to do none of that shit. You go to fucking Huluplus.com. What are you pressing the box? Church.

Church, C-H-U-R-C-H. And you get the deal of a lifetime. You either get raises for $1, $6 or $9 a month. $6 a month is a great package You get one stem Sent the ounce It's harder than fucking hell Then they send you two razors

Double fucking blades You understand me What Lee? What are you looking at? You're all hypnotized I got that type of Fucking animal magnetism Cog sucker

So What are you confusing me for? When I look at the screen I should be looking at you A dollar, six dollars and nine dollars Plus they got one white charlie's for your asshole Let's say like I got the one white charlie Charlie's this I say I want my dick

To smell like peppment I pull the skin back I fucking massage that helmet with this one strip Charlie When I'm on a plane Three hours later I want to smell my dick To make sure it don't smell

Like dead pee It smells like a lifesaver You understand me A peppment life? Your dick ever smell like a lifesaver? No, because you don't use warm wipe charlie's on your dick I also don't smell my dick on a plane You gotta sniff you

You're sitting there The air gets down It gets trapped It's like a tunnel You got to sniff your balls You got to go in there I go in the back room And open my zipper

But then you know what you should do You should take one wipe charlie on the plane with you because what if you scratch him down there and then your hand smells like dick for the rest of the flight

If my hand style like dick they smell like dick I leave it Oh no that's the worst because the air circulates Who gives a fuck

I want people to snow my balls I want people to know what time it is When I scratch my balls I go like that with my finger And I'm not talking about cash

I'm talking about Get the whiff of that In this fucking main cabin cock sucks Oh in the air The air circulates That has to stick For fucking

No my balls Don't stink Like a billy-y-coach Yes they do I don't because I stay on them. I wash them in the morning. I wash them in the morning. I don't let the stink develop.

I don't let that fucking scutut juice, whatever. Staminke juice pack up. It's the staminia juice when you whack off. Some goes in your underwear. Some goes on a monkey, but the other one stays on your helmet. You don't wash your underwear on. Wait what?

You whack off with underwear on? I whack off with anything on boots, fucking whatever. You got to do what you got to do when you're a pent and heat. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, go to fucking dollar shit. Shave Club, a dollar, $6, pressing the box. Church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H

and get your razors sent the house. Now you go, Joey, I got movies, I got on it, I'm healthy, and I got fucking razors. What do I do now? Jump in a deprivation tank and get your fucking head together. Escape pod dot tank.

They've been with me for three months. Escape pod tank.com. These motherfuckers don't fuck around. They got commercial tanks. They got residential tanks. And you know what? You know where it gets better? They come to your house.

They deliver it. They save you $2,000 to $3,000 on tanks. I've spoken to people. Customer Service is Supreme. You called Jeremy on the 1-800 line. He picks up like a fucking soldier. Hello. And he speaks English.

This ain't no. No-Ablos motherfucker with some fucking accent from another country. Jeremy is fucking American as can be. In his house, he's got a picture of fucking Kennedy with a bullet going through his head. That's a fucking American right there. Go to EscapePodtank.com. Correct.

What the fuck you corrected me for? Escapeodtank.com. Could you say this game to our pod tank? Whatever the fuck. I smoked a couple of fucking vapors this morning. Why are you confusing me? It's for all your fucking deprivation tank needs. They have commercial ones, residential.

Just go to the webpage. See what they got. Look around, ask questions. Why fucking go and soak with other people who don't wash their ass. They got fungi feet. You know, their brett smells like dick when you can do that your own house with your own water.

Go look into it. Escape podtank.com. All right, cock, second. All right. What, what, Lee? What? The fuck is your problem. Your ball stink?

I know right now, but I can't believe we say your balls. I wash them. I stay on top of them. Yeah, but if you scratch on an airplane, that doesn't smell good. I guarantee I scratch my nuts right now. I let you sniff them. They smell like Irish spring. What do you want to make a bet?

Because Irish spring, these motherfuckers, they don't. You don't wear underwear. It's all hot in there. No, it's not. Listen to what I do. I wash my balls at three different things. I got Irish spring. Then I got the lufa with the coconut thing,

and I scrub them with that, and I scrubbed my asshole. They get all the barnacles away, so I don't have no waste back there. Okay. Then I wash it, then I hit it again. I do my face with the lufel to get the dead skin. You do your ass first? Yeah, who gives the fuck?

It's still the same skin. Some people do plastic surgery. Some people borrow the skin from their ass. I take the skin cells and put them on my face. You know what I'm saying? You got to think, Lee. I'm thinking. You got to think of it.

What would you do? That's what he'd do. He wouldn't waste fucking skin cells. He put them on his face to the surface. You do everything first. I loop it and I put this fucking cream thin. And I take my fucking soap in my hands and I get in there with those fucking nuts.

nuts and then I get the wash cloth and I wash the cornice, kick on, kick on, I take the washcloth and I put like a finger up my ass like an inch. And you hear it, like an inch, it goes, just a little, look, if this is an inch right here, you take that washcloth and you lip around and now everything's fresh down there. So the next two showers, bro, I like showers because I know my boss stink. I'm the first one to be honest. But I control them. You got to control them, Lee, okay? Yeah, you control them. You take one bath a day. Yeah.

You can't do that, Lee. Your ass stinks like debt. And when you wake up, you don't take a shower, which means that you have that dead ass that cultivates in that fucking anal cavity eight hours while you're sleeping on that fucking bed. When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you fucking do is while you're pissing it, you turn that water on.

That's what normal people. I do normally. When I have to come here, I know. That's when you do it even more. You get up 15 minutes earlier and you soak that ball. 15 minutes. Yeah, you're in there 15 minutes. At the hottest water possible,

and 10 of those minutes, it's pointing out your fucking thing with steam coming out of your nuts at. No, I was in 20. I like 20 minutes. Whatever. 20, 15. You know what I'm fucking saying. You got to make time for this. Cleanliness is next to godliness. God will not yet let you into the eternal flames of death hell, whatever,

unless your balls are fucking washed. You cannot have a girlfriend if your balls are not clean. Oh, yeah, no, no, no. No, no. You fucking go all day and then you pick up at 5 with that stinky nuts. No, no, no, no. And then when you come home from that drive to fucking Compton, wherever you go to pick her up,

while she's on the couch, you have to excuse yourself and wash that. ass again that ass is cultivated you've been sitting on that seat the ass is you're farting it goes into the seat and back up into your fucking ass how many times he's supposed to shower a day three no yes three three that's a lot of showers that what you're gonna do you want to be clean or you want to be like the rest of these fucking maggots walking around you ever smell somebody bro oh yeah of course you want to smell like that no then you got to be wash three showers three showers you're a chubby dude you release odors like me yeah you were

smell your shirts at the end of the day. It's like cheeseburgers and fucking subway sandwiches. You think that's because it's the, no, because it comes out of our system. You don't want to work out every day. So when you sweat, that shit, that top sweat, what do you think that smells like? Onions and that hummus sweet? Where do you think that goes? What if you think that stink fucking goes? It comes down the sweat? Comes out of your sweat. Oh, wow.

And it goes into your clothes. Now, you go, take that shirt off, put it down. And then you sit there and go, well, I didn't do nothing yesterday. I'm going to put that motherfucker back on. Oh, no, no. You know what that shirt smells like that? And then you try to tie. Do you ever smell somebody with sweat on their shirt and they put cologne on top?

Oh, no, that's what. We have friends that fucking do that. I don't want them around when they do that shit. They smell like vomit. You got to wash. You don't want no problems? Take three showers. You know what I will do sometimes?

What will you do? I will change underwear halfway through the day. Oh, that's great. Not wash your asshole. That's great. So keep the stink and you're going to transfer the fucking addiction to a new pair underwear. Yeah.

Listen. There's nothing better than a fresh pair underwear. You're making me sick. Well, you got to wash your balls to put a fresh pair on the way. the world. How can you not wash it? It's time to wash three times a day. You got to make time. This life is about making time if you want to get forward. You got

to make time to work out. You got to make time. You know what? I fucking hate drinking those protein shakes. But today, on the way back, I got to stop at the protein store and get protein powder and the fucking thing to put in there. I hate it. It's $55 on my pocket. But I have to do it. These are the things you have to do in your

life. You have to work on it. This shit just isn't going to appear. And these all things that step into you being a better person. You start wake up in the morning, you throw that hot water on. Where you're getting your shoes, that fucking shower is burning.

Oh, well, Joey, the water is low. I don't give a fuck. Put that, I pay for it, all right? I pay for that fucking water. Put that fucking water on. You put that fucking water on that's burning. You lay your socks on, you look at your shoes,

you clean the dog shit off them, you put your pants down, you put the shirt to match while you're in there. You go in there, you take the fucking razor, and you shave the top off over here, so this is even.

You do the rest of the shave, in that fucking shower. So it's one-stop shopping. My shower is one-stop shopping. As soon as I go in the shower, that hot water hits me. I wash my fucking hair. I take the fucking thing

and I wash, that's the first wash. Boom, the ass, the ball. And this is all three times I do this. Not just once. The balls, the feet, the skin, everything. Between the fucking toes. You don't ever want to release

those axos, those hummus toxins in the fucking air that come out of your ass. Then you put conditioner in your hair. While the conditioners in your hair settling, you get the fucking shaving cream. and you put it on your face, nice in the shower,

and you blast off in there with that steam, so it's very nice. You follow me? By that time, all those barnacles off your asshole, from you eating McDonald's all those years, they're starting to melt from the fucking heat. Particles? Yeah.

Now you get, go ahead. Take your finger like this, get a finger now, scrape around your asshole. See that green stuff that comes off? Those are barnacles. There's no green stuff? You have them because you eat garbage.

You take that luf and you scrub again. That's the second baby. Now you get on there, and that condition that's in your hair, you've worked it. You shaved already. It's been in there for four or five minutes. Bang, you do that one again. Then you condition it again and hit it with the fucking Irish spring.

So you confuse people. They don't know whether you're lufing it or fucking Irish spring in it. Because the Irish spring smells wears off and now the coconut is in there. Oh, I see. You follow me? You come out. You dry your feet. You dry your legs.

You dry. You dry your balls real good because when you leave that moisture in there, that's that more than you do. You got to dry. Then you take that powder like your life. I love the powder. You hit that motherfucker. And all the soft.

smoke. Do you feel weird getting the powder? No, I love it. You're taking, you're popping in your ass. When you take your shit, it's like a little concrete. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The first inch got like a ring around like a cigar. You understand me? These are things you've got to do as a human being to get to point B. If you're not washing your ass or your pussy, how are you going to do anything in your fucking likely?

How are you going to do anything? You argue on me about three showers. I'm not. I'm not going to make time. Do you get the baby? Oh, you might all your life? You have a baby. I don't have a baby. Every time I go to this door, I get the big powders and I get a bunch of baby wipes. I feel like a weirdo.

But you gotta take three showers a day. Nobody wants to hang around with stinky people. Nobody. They're your friends and they gotta smell and you go, what the fuck? Why does this guy always smell like an olive? Why does he always smell like he just

jumped into a Greek salad? That's true. Godliness is next to cleanliness. Did you find dogs from me? The last two minutes of it? Yeah, let me see what you got. Fast forward and more. More? Okay.

Back of the little bit. 10 seconds Stop it I love you motherfuckers The church April 28th Sometimes we're on

with the national anthem And I go bananas Not today We're gonna end with The fucking song Dogs The last two minutes of dogs

It's tremendous They drop it on you You understand me Who was brought in the house Full of pain Who was taught not to spit In the fan We're gonna drop it on you

motherfuckers Thank you for listening To the podcast We got the live podcast Wednesday night At the Ice House 8 o'clock We have a tremendous guest.

I don't know who it is yet. We're going to have a tremendous fucking guest. And if not, it's me, myself, and fucking my brother, little Lysayette. Thank you very much. I want to thank my sponsors on it. Dollar Shave Club, Hulu, EscapeBotank.com.

I love you, motherfuckers. I love you, I love everybody who listens to the podcast, and thank you for all love and support. You've given the podcast over the last year. I hope you enjoy it today. Thank you very much. Stay black.

And have a fucking great day. Don't let nobody fuck with you. Now that the show is over. I tell Donald Stern to suck your dick don't worry about it you got a you got a job to do fuck don't stanley don't forget to sign up for your free trial of hulu plus hulu plus let you binge on thousands of it shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey or go to joey ds.net and

click on the hulu plus banner and don't forget to sign up for dollashave club.com get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail Now go to dollar shape club.com forward slash church or go to joey diaz. Dottinglopaner and click on the dollar shape club banner. And I thank you again to escape pot tank. Get your sleep, uh, your

sensory deprivation tank or your safety thousands. Mention this show and get $2.50 off. Kick that leap. Kick that fucking thing up. Who was? Did not you spit in the fan. Are you fucking... Everybody get up.

Salute the flag. Grab your phone. fucking balls. This is the anthem. Are you kidding me or what? On the back. Who was breaking away from the... who was only a stranger at home. You kid me or what? Dragged down by the stone. You bad motherfuckers go kill him today.