The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #173 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, June 20th.... Happy Belated Father's Day! This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Manscaped & The Freeze Pipe.…. Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code DIAZ at https://manscaped.com Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Manscaped #TheFreezePipe The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday. I think it's the 20th. Who gives a fuck?

The joint is brought to you by Manscape. Listen, just when you thought they were done, Manscape is back with the most comfortable boxes anywhere. They're tremendous. boxes 2.0 tagless and made a buttery soft micro fabric. You'll want to pair these for every occasion. This is all new underwear features of jewel pouch to keep your freshly shaped balls in their own little comfort place. Plus, you didn't hear this from me, you could store shit in there, you know what I'm saying? Choose from an arrangement of designs and colors, sizes from small to 3x

to big dick McGick, you know what I'm saying? Get 20, peasant, percent off plus free shipping with code joey at manscape.com again that's 20% off plus free shipping with code joey at manscape.com listen i can't tell you the good things about manscape i shaved an eyebrow with these motherfuckers the other day you can shave your balls your asshole it's fucking almost july and you still got that fucking monster of a of a dustball between your fucking legs and then you complain i don't get no fucking nothing it's still you're still you're time for you to get Manscape Cucksucker. Take care of yourself from the underwears to the premium package to the fucking lipcloths.

Manscape is here to take care of you. If you're a man, get on Manscape, get 20% off plus free shipping with Code Joey at Manscape.com. Your balls will thank you. The joint is also brought to you by freeze pipe. Listen, no matter how it gets outside, I don't give a fuck if they send you to hell. You keep your bong ice cold with the freeze pipe. Just freeze it, pack it, and rip that motherfucker.

When you rip the hot smoke passes through the frozen part, cooling down the smoke as you inhale it, living like a fucking doctor. Your smoke would be so cold you think you're in the fucking North Pole getting a finger in the ass from a penguin. You understand me? I love the freeze pipe. Fucking love it. Do you understand me? I got the little one. They even send me like an extension now.

It's like a fucking pipe. Whether you go with the bong, the pipe or the bubler, you can't lose. The freeze pipe is non-toxic. It freezes better and faster than water and stays frozen longer. It's like a cock on unlimited Viagra. Freeze pipe cools down to smoke by hundreds of degrees. Listen, your uncle Joey's here to take care. It's going to be a hot summer.

Why fuck up your throat? Live like a doctor with the freezepipe.com and pressing code Joey to save 10% off your first order. That's 10% whether you get the bung, the pipe, or the fucking bubbler. If you want to see the devil, it starts with freezepipe, the freezepipe.com. Pressing code Joey to save 10%. If you could smoke it from freezepipe, freezepipe makes it. Go to freezepipe.com code joey.

And now without further ado, it's Monday morning. Let's get this motherfucking party started. Yeah. It's happening, you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday the 20th of June. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. It was a great fucking weekend. Thank you very much for all the Father's Day wishes, whatever the fuck you call them.

I'll tell you what, I had a great day on Father's Day. I had one of the best Father's Days I ever had in my life. So thank you. I didn't do much. I just hung out with my wife and my daughter Went swimming at my brother's shit like that But I had nothing on my mind I started this on Friday this week

I started going into fucking Father's Day mode We had a little barbecue Friday night We had to go to another party Saturday afternoon And then Saturday night we went to see Bill Burr He was fucking tremendous as usual I want to thank him and Dean Dore From invite me to the show And that's it

man it was a great fucking weekend it's a great week coming up i don't know if you guys been following bert on instagram but those shows look fucking great you know man uh i fucking hate working for comedians when you become a comic there's always guys that you came up with and then one day they're like hey i'm booking a room or hey i own a comedy club between you and i nine or ten of those guys buy a comedy club because they're not funny so they figure if they have a comedy club, they can buy their own state. I'm not talking out of the line here.

I'm saying the truth here. And, you know, you fucking, what are we talking about? I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about here. I'm hired a bird's tour. And when you do something like, there was a club owner years ago that contacted me for a show.

And I lived two hours away from the show at the time. It had to be 10, 12 years ago. And the guy was paying me for a show, like a Thursday night and he wanted me to do 545 radio two hours away from my house and then stay up there the rest of the day radio is like 30 minutes so I'm going to be in some fucking stric I forget that I forget what town it was wasn't a strange town but I'm going to be in this town from 615 on I got to wait to 8 o'clock at night so I asked the guy do you have a hotel that I could check

into the guy goes there's no hotels we don't give out hotels I go then dog I can't do the fucking radio because I'm not going to go all the way fucking up there and then just sit there with my thumb up my ass all day you're only paying me like a deuce and fucking uh you know fuck you I'm not doing it he got pissed this guy

like hey man you give me the fucking hotel room I'll do radio now I'm not staying up there all fucking day and we parted and we were friends and that's it and I made a point there was a lot of there's a lot of the rooms that the people started on as comics and whatever sometimes they're pretty good people but sometimes they get weird and uh they see you making a check and they're fucking stuck in a club and it's kind of weird what my point is that sometimes comics they don't they forget they forget of what it's like when you go into a comedy club and there's no green room guys i'm not i'm not

i'm not always presently i don't need a fucking green room but without a green room or somewhere to put us, you got people just mingling that they're on top of you before the show. And you know what? I came from the school that you don't want to see people before the show. When you come out on stage, you want to be that person. So if they see you off the fucking beating path, they're going to go, you're just another joke. That's not the way I look at things. If you came to Atlantic City shows, I was out there talking to people before Rogan came on. I don't give a fuck about that shit. But little things. you know, Bert on this tour

has been a complete fucking gentleman to me. I mean, the flights are easy, but the food, how they contacted me, and they're like, what's your favorite snack? What's your favorite alcoholic beverage? What's your favorite? They sent me a fucking sheet. Like, what's your favorite non-alcoholic beverage?

What's your favorite alcoholic beverage? What's your favorite food? What are your favorite snacks? What fruit do you like? I mean, come on, guys. Who fucking cater is? like this. He fucking colored Eminem's. He sent me pictures

because they're like, listen, we're going to be on the bus. If you want a hotel when we get there, but take a look at the bedrooms in the bus. Holy fuck. There's five buses. And I think it's you're in there with two other guys. The fucking bathroom is gorgeous.

They got everything in there that you fucking need. Plus he's got a bus just filled with food. Plus he's got another bus that you go into. And there's It's a game room and stereos and fucking computers and shit. This is, he went off. And I saw, do you see any of the videos, Mike? Fucking, just beautiful what those feels look like.

So I'm really proud of Bert. I'm really proud to be a part of this. I was on the fence. I'm not going to lie to anybody. I've been on the fence. I'm out of this fucking thing a year. You know, but I'll tell you what, I'm just going to, it's a four-day minicamp. Like when you want to get good at something,

you got to go on triple runs. Why? Because it's six weeks. Like you just go, give me six weeks. You look at your mom and say, I ain't going to see you for six weeks. I'm going to go camping.

Just look at it as a camping trip. That's why you do triple runs in the summer. They'll fuck with you and say, we got to pay you less money. But who gives the fuck? You're living in a tent. You know, you'll take the hotel room. You'll take the Oregon run.

You'll take all those runs. And you'll live in a hotel room, three, four nights a week. Maybe you could squeeze a hotel out of a guy an extra night. But for two nights, you're just out there in wilderness. You're in Idaho.

You're in Oregon. You're in Montana. Just go fucking camping. You know, these are, and this is what Bert's done. Like, we're going to be on a fucking bus, hotels. I'm only taking two planes, which that's, you know, I don't know how many fucking flights got canceled last week. Every day last week, I saw Dean Delray had a seven-hour delay. Bill Burr had a long delay.

Ari and Mark Norman got fucking delayed. So I'm praying. Listen, I get delayed. I'm not going nowhere. You understand me? They come at me with a seven-hour wait time. I'm not going to go nowhere. Let me tell you some.

When I fly home from fucking Texas, that's what I'm really scared of. After a seven-hour bus ride, going into an airport smelling like 10 dead Iranians and fucking your balls are sweaty. I don't know what you have. No, they have a whole bus that's just got showers. No, no.

Burt went all out. Burt went all out. And I told people on my Patreon podcast last week, I'm like, listen, guys, there's people that you might not like, you know, like they rub you the right, wrong way. Hey, that's what life is all about. But before you make an assumption or whatever about them, let me tell you something, anybody who's good to me and I tell you they're good to, I appreciate if you're nice to them, even if you don't like them, because they do a lot for me. I mean, Bert's taking care of everybody on this talk. Nikki, Dave Attell, I mean, Bert is treating us.

like comics should be treated. And I ain't got nothing wrong with that. I got the utmost respect for people like that. You know, they don't forget of where the fuck they come from or they're going to swallow all the profit for themselves. I don't think Bert will break even in this. I mean, let's say we sell out all the shows next week. I don't even think Bert will break even.

Guys, you've got eight hitters on this show that he's taking off the road. So you got to pay them their fucking money. on top of that he's the buses are fucking beautiful everything a state of the art talk they sent me a link for a website that you log into every day when you're on tour with them that tells you everything for the day like yeah like breakfast is like 8 to 11 is going to be served like you go on that bus whenever you want to get breakfast then lunch from 12 to 4 then mid-evening snack from 6 to 8

You know, they got everything there for you to eat while you're waiting. The only thing I don't like is the long walk from the fucking trailer to the stage. I'm going to, my fucking tap up, but I'll just get like a scooter or something, go up there early and fucking get out. I'm sure he's got a fucking scoot on the back. You know, when you're a comic, you see a lot of shitty things when you start now. You know, you get thrown into shitty things. So it's always good to see somebody.

taking care of comics the right way. So I love Burke Reischer. And I am fired up to see you motherfuckers. We're going to South Carolina, fucking Bristol, Tennessee. Maybe that chick that sucked my dick in Knoxville will show up. She's 40 now. So she's a little older, and her husband's like 50.

I still need my 40 dollars. We're hitting fucking Atlanta, some part of Georgia. And we're hitting Mississippi. I got some dear friends in Mississippi. from Boulder. I can't wait to fucking see him. So guys, I'm excited. So thank you for always having my back

and thank you for the encouragement. I went out Thursday night. I did fucking Uncle Vinnie's and I got to tell you something, guys. I got back on the pandemic hit and we all got off stage in March. Some people got on stage right away. I took about six months

off. I didn't get back on stage so September. I felt that I was flat And then I waited about a couple of weeks And I did another show And I was still very flat And I didn't know what was going on with me So I just took like another month off And then I finally said, what the fuck is wrong with me

Let me book some shows at Uncle Vinnie's And go down there and work this out Guys I did like three months Couldn't get nowhere Couldn't get to the material Couldn't get to the character Fell clunky up there It just didn't feel right

And I didn't want to do it anymore I took a little fucking breather. And then it was time. It was just time for me. I was starting to lose my mind here at the house. It was time for me just to just go out and see how it feels, you know. And I went out and it still felt a little clunky, but I felt a little better. Like, I don't know.

I don't know how to describe it. I kept going up. You came to the benefit with Jimmy and then you came to the Rich Voss thing. And there was still something not going on with me. and it wasn't until I hit the stress factory with Brian Callan that I figured out everybody's got jokes and here I was worried about the jokes what was going on was the character the character Coco needed to come back and be fucking silly and and whatever said it took time and guys all those sets I must have done 20 sets that I got in that car and I felt like shit you know like when uh you say

the wrong thing and somebody corrects you and you're like sorry about that like how's your husband my husband died you're like you know something like that you know and you're getting your car you're like damn i stuck my foot and i'm not that's how i felt after those 20 25 sets Thursday night was the best that i've had since the pandemic since march second of 2020 2019 whatever the fuck the pandemic was that was the best that I had since I walked off the main room and Ali Wong hugged me and I fucking almost had a heart attack. Like that was Thursday night I drove home

and I got to be honest here. I had to pull over and take two hits of the vapor pen. Like I'm like, what the fuck just happened? You know, and like I said on the podcast last week, the Patreon, but you, you know, without fucking the character, you're not spitting out this shit. You know, once I realized what I was going to do, who I was again and what direction I wanted to take it.

Piece of fucking cake. Piece of fucking cake. I was so proud of myself. I was like, wow, this is pretty fucking impressive. So I'm happy that you guys supported me. I'm happy that you had my back. I'm happy that when I came and did sets, you were like, Joey, you killed.

No, I didn't. But I appreciate the love. I love you, motherfuckers, just the same. You guys know this shit. You know what we're talking about artists and stand-up? I talk to a lot of young comics Maybe on uh well I'm on Facebook jail But I'm still allowed to fucking

I'm still allowed to You know send messages I got a couple comics that always Send me messages I got a couple guys on Patreon That hit me up for advice And time to time They let me know what they're doing

I'm just like a sounding board for them You know listen I can't look at somebody set And tell you whether you're good or bad I mean who the fuck am I There's not not much I can do that help you. I could just guide you, you know, and I could give you advice on what to do. And some of the advice you agree with and some of the advice you're going, Joey, this is something that you forgot. You do at your level. No, I did some crazy shit at an early fucking level that got me to where I am.

Because a lot of people will try to knock you off your fucking track when you're doing comedy in the beginning. A lot of people tried to discourage, even your friends, your family, your close. ones. I mean, it's a fucked up thing and it hurts your feelings, but sometimes you go, you know what? It's just, they're trying to protect me and I get it. You know, people say shit to you like you're an asshole. You're doing this gig for free. You know, Mike and I were talking about AMP.

I did an AMP show the other night. I appreciate you guys that tuned in. I would appreciate more you guys just downloading the AMP app and I'm going to tell you why. Number one, I don't make a dime off amp guys. and near to you guys. Number two, it doesn't cost you anything, guys. Not a fucking thing.

But I told Mike, well, I was doing that amp last week. I was very happy that I did it. Like, I fucking felt a euphoria over me. It was like doing cocaine for the first time. Honest to God, you're going to go, Joey, from doing a stupid radio show, from playing. Guys, the possibilities are fucking endless with amp. When I woke up Wednesday morning and Mike said he had done an amp show, I was so fucking happy.

I was so fucking happy because for the last 10 years, all you motherfuckers been asking me, how do you start a podcast, how do you do this? Finally, the ship is here. No more fucking excuses, cock suckers. Amp, you don't need a fucking microphone. You don't need a camera. Mike, what do you need? Nothing.

Just an iPhone at this point. Just an iPhone. Okay, all right, you need to spend $600 on an iPhone. You already got a fucking iPhone. It don't matter. You make your videos. You go on your apps. You watch your fucking porn.

Whatever the fuck. Now I'm giving you something. I'm giving you an opportunity. And you're like, Joey, what are you talking? Listen, when you want to start a podcast, you got to buy two microphones, a fucking bored, whatever the fuck. The little thing that they have on a, on they sell. on Instagram, you know, be your own podcast producer with the switches and shit.

All that shit costs you money and I get it. You know, you have to come up with the investment and Joey, how am I going to make that money back? Well, you're asking all the fucking wrong questions like everybody else does in this country. They ask the wrong question. Not the question you should be asking how much is going to cost or how am I going to make my money back. First of all, you're doing something you love doing. I mean, I could go to fuck. I can have a special Olympic fucking.

AMP tournament, okay, and have like a bunch of kids. Number one, I figured out AMP. I am the dumbest computer person in the fucking world, okay? And I just sat there and figured out AMP, and I picked the songs, and the songs disappeared one day. And, you know, it's a struggle, you know what I'm saying? But when I was on AMP, like 20 minutes in, like the first speech I gave, I don't who the fuck knows, but like 20 minutes in, all I kept thinking about was Joe Rogan.

I kept thinking about Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan, I'll tell you why. People fucking cry constantly in life. And trust me, I've been on that. And also, when you're an artist, when you're fucking struggling to make ends meet or to get to the destination that your goal is, you fucking get down on yourself from time to time.

You know, you don't know, and you get frustrated, and you look at somebody who's doing better, you might get a little jealous of them. You know, we've all been in that same position. But you're not getting the fucking point of this. When Joe Rogan got into the UFC, he called Dana Wright, and he said, listen, I'd like to come and announce to shows. I don't want any money.

I don't know if it was a year after he did those for free, that he finally got a paid gig on the UFC. It was something that Joe loved. Joe has always loved fighting. When I met Joe, he gave me a fucking speech one night about the kids. Klitschko brothers in Russia, right? I mean, Joe is going deep with this on me in the back, and it was one of the most inspirational speeches.

He ever told me about Russian, how the Klinko brothers, whatever the fuck they are. Liquid IV cock suckers. Anyway, he's telling me all this shit, and I'm amazed. Guys, I was blown the fuck away from the 30-minute story. He told me on the Klichko brothers. Obviously, he loved fighting.

At the same time, you know, he's going to Vegas to do these. events. I don't know. I'm going to you. Okay, see you later. See you Monday. And for a year, he did him out of his own pocket. He bought his own plane ticket. He bought his own meals. He bought his own hotel room. And he

would go to fucking Vegas and do these. And after a year, one day, they offered him a fucking job. And what was it? What is it? Fifteen fucking years later, he's he's show Rogan on the U.S. And I know they fucking pay him a lot of fucking money. It don't take a brain surgeon, right? So, this is

a guy that everybody always always waiting for my ship to come in. What is my ship going to come in? When is my ship going to come in? Well, motherfuckers, here's your shit. But Joey, I don't know much about music. Who gives a fuck. They got amped. You could do anything on that. You don't even have to put music. You could just do a talk show and just put the three topics, sports, sex, and fucking, you know, entertainment, whatever. You don't. Guys, it's over. The excuses is over. There's no. book to teach you how to do a podcast. You're learning as you're going along.

But this is everything that's set up for you there. I mean, I was going. I thought that you had to set the songs up before you do the show. Dog, no. You could do it. That's how I picked Robert, Richard Pryor. I thought it was going to fucking blow up. Like, I thought, I was like, I'm going to press

this and the fucking system's going to go and they're all going to call me an asshole. I pressed that motherfucker and that. I pressed Richard Pryor. Why no versus Dracula? Boom. It fucking worked. Guys, this is, you know,

and I told Mike, I go, Mike, I'm scared. I picked four songs. If we do this every week and we each pick four songs at the end of the year, what's that bill going to come to? Remember those naps to bills

and they came and shit? People were fucking going nuts. You always $800,000 for downloaded music. So I didn't want to take a chance like that. So, guys, it's a fucking opportunity in a half. I don't know what you're waiting. on sports one of the topics that they have they have bunch of shit because you got to pick your

music your genre of music like if you just want to play rock metal disco funk pop you know they have so i mean i think it's the best fucking app because we've had apps before where you could you know like watch a game and put the game through the tv and you could be the announcer and then yeah that we had that for a long time but then when you get a lot of followers If the system blew, they couldn't handle 200 people. I think 300, $290 around there, $290 around there, and then it drops and it picks back up again. Then it drops and it picks back up again.

I didn't care about the numbers. I don't care about any of that shit. It's doing it. It's like when people say to me, Joy, I want to go on stage. Well, go on stage. Well, I need the right material. No, you don't. Trust me, the first time you ain't going to remember that material.

You can do all the writing you want, all the memory dynamics. you want. You can eat all the Delta. What's that shit that you eat fish? Salmon that's got in it. That shit. You can eat all the salmon you want. Trust me. When you get on that stage the first time, you see 80 sets of eyeballs.

That's 160 eyes. Staring at you. You're not going to remember shit anyway. I've been doing it 30 years, and there's times I go out that I see all these eyes and you forget what the fuck you're going to say. Just do it. Same thing with this amp thing. Download it. Wait to get the fucking thing in the mail, the email. Download your stuff.

songs give it a fucking name for me it's the uncle joey power hour you know that's it because i used to listen to the flower power hour that was an old show on the fucking 70s in new york city but guys this is the opportunity you've been waiting for i fucking love it i just got to figure out like i'll do another show this week i'll try to do wednesday night i got to find the night where i'm consistent with it i want to be very consistent with it if you do an eight o'clock show that's five o'clock in LA. People in their cars. I don't know if you could download the app

to your car. I think you can. So I just got to find a more settled whatever the fuck, you know, dynamic. Yeah. I just got to find

the better fucking time to do it. I was talking about young comics before. Enough with the AMP app. You're going to download it and you're going to fucking love it. And I'm going to keep doing these shows. Guys, I found a lot

about fucking obscure, skewer music on there. There's a lot of obscure school of music. You know, when I first signed up and I'm like, Led Zeppel ain't going to be on here. What? Everything's fucking on there.

So give the AMP app a look, download it, and we'll listen to each other. That's it. How's that? It's like we each have a fucking can with a string on it now. That's how fucking cool this is, right? We could all communicate with each other.

So what the fuck? I wanted to talk to you about this story that I was thinking about because a comic hit me up the other day. said he went out to a club in Ohio and the fucking club person was an asshole to him the whole weekend. They were featuring and after that weekend they thought about quitting and, you know, and I talked to the guy. I was like, listen, don't ever quit over some jerk off fucking comedy club owner or some fucking jerk off comedy club booker, you know. I was doing comedy about six years.

My eyes were wide open. My nose is wide open. And, you know, I just wanted to do good guys. I just didn't want to be a criminal no more. And I started, you know, going outside my comfort zone. I started doing Bellingham. I was living in Seattle. I was doing all these little clubs.

I tried to get into Harvey's in Portland. And there was this club in Idaho called the Funny Boat. It was supposedly a fucking great club. We're going to talk about two booking people here at this story. And because both of these fucking booking people tried to knock the sails, the wind out of my sales. But even as a young comic, you know, we take a lot of shit when we're struggling

because we don't know any better. You know, you don't know any better. You're scared. You don't want to develop a reputation and then nobody will hire you. So you take a lot more shit than you usually would. You learn to ignore it. a while.

You know, I never really, listen, I was getting shit on from day one, except that the comedy works, everybody was cool to me, but in the other gig you had, there's always some part of that you're going to get shit on, and it's just a part of, you know, that's why I advise

you don't watch the Motley Crew movie. It's not like that for everybody. You're not just going to go up on stage, and they're clapping and throwing underwear that, yeah, that's a fucking pipe dream. It's a good pipe dream to have, because it's going to happen, but you got to put in the fucking hard work, you know. So I get this call.

I'm, you know, just expanding my horizons. And there's this funny bone club. And I forget what the girl's name was that managed it, you know. She was a woman of the world, you know, she wore a hat with the feather and the whole, she was too cool for school routine, you know. And when I called her, I kind of felt that, you know, I, Joey Diaz, a friend of mine gave me a reference to working club. well I looked at your tape and I hope you decide to clean it up

before you come up here and all this shit. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Because you tell them whatever to get into the club. Then when you're there, who gives a fuck? Whatever they tell you, listen, we want you to wear a bunny hat, sure. Right, good, yeah, fuck you. Once you get there, oh, you forgot.

I forgot the bunny hat. I had it also. I couldn't believe it. My daughter was crying on the way out. Fucking bunny hat. So I get to the Idaho funny bone and this fucking You drive, whatever, six, seven hours.

Nobody's, you're not getting enough money for a fucking plane. So I drive my six, seven hours from Seattle. And, you know, you get to the club. They tell you, you know, you call them. You go, I'm leaving today. When do you think you'll be here? Well, I'm leaving at nine. I should be there by fucking four.

So she goes, all right, I'll have somebody in the office, whatever. So you do your fucking driving. You don't eat, you're broke. You're looking at the E because you barely get the money to get there. And you get there, you're flustered, you're a little tired, you stretch. And I get to the comedy club to get the keys to the condo, and the comedy club is closed. Even though I had talked to the night before, and that morning there's nobody at the fucking club. Now I've got to go to a pay phone and call them, and she goes, oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my head done.

I'll be down there in 45 minutes. So now I've got to sit in my fucking car. I got to get a fucking subway veggie and cheese sandwich, eat half of it. because I can't fucking get any, I can't eat anything else until I get a draw. I barely had the $2.5 and quarters to get the fucking veggie and cheese sandwich. So now you're frustrated,

you know, your family's eating fucking cheeseburgers and shit. You just talk to your friends in Boulder that are making steaks on the grill. You're in fucking Idaho, eating fucking a subway sandwich. Okay. She pulls in. I go up, I see her going,

and she goes, can you give me five minutes, please? I go, okay. Ain't this a bitch. So finally I opened the door. I goes, it okay now? She goes, yeah, come in, come to the back. Come to my office. So when I go into office, I go, that was a hell of a ride.

And I pull her chair and I sit out. And she goes, did I tell you to sit? It would be one of these fucking weekends. And right away, note this fucking lady says to me, oh, by the way, you're staying at a hotel. I go, then why am I here to pick up a key to the condo? She goes, they're fixing the condo. We're just going to put you in a hotel.

really in a bitchy way after she tells me that she asked me to sit down I'm a 500 a week comic for fucking eight shows nine shows I go all right you know I just wasted a fucking hour and a half of my life that I'm not going to get back I could have just

gone straight to the hotel but the whole way the whole day she's telling me that she's fucking uh she's fucking uh she's put me in a condo so the headline is Chris Titus

All right. Chris was very cool then. You know, I met him outside with a fucking skateboard. He's on a skateboard and shit. I'm like, what the fuck? He's skating all around town. Chris is a great guy. I'm opening for him.

You know, little that I know it. Chris got a show years later. Titus. What was the name of it? Titus. He was writing that show while we were there that week. Like, this is 1996 because when I got to LA in 98,

I went to the improv one night and Titus is doing a one-man show. And I'll forget, I go, oh, that's what you were writing. He goes, yeah, I finally got it. Fox is going to buy it. So Titus is great. Everything was great.

I think the week started on Tuesday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, through fucking Sunday. So, all right, everybody's hunky dory. We do the shows, and me and Chris are getting along. We have no problem.

And I think like after three, shows Thursday she calls me in the office she calls me in the hotel one day she's like hey can you come over to the office I need to talk to you I didn't know what you want to talk to me about I get that now this lady had control she was really good friend like she was a hippie chick that just thought she wasn't even good looking she thought that she was good friends with somebody who booked all the funny bone and the word on the street was if she liked you you could work the rest of the funny bones. So when I went up there, yeah, guys, what the fuck. I'm looking for work. I'm looking to go up there and make a great impression. But I could tell from the minute I walked in there, this lady was

not buying my fucking act at all. Now she wants to see me. I got called for like in the mafia. So I'm, I don't know what to expect. I go over there. I'm like, what's up? She goes, we got like three complaints about your material. Okay. What kind of complaints? And she's like, well, you said a joke about this and I'm like at that time I was a little rougher guys you know this is 95 96 I was a little rougher

I didn't understand what offensive meant I knew that I worked dirty and I knew that people had told me if you work dirty as a feature act you're not going to get work I did not believe that I let that fall off my fucking shoulders you know I believed in the power

of the headliner and I believed in what I could do and what I couldn't do and, you know, I wasn't working that dirty at the time. She's sitting across from me telling me that I'm offensive, whatever, and that if I don't clean up my act, she's going to have to let me go home and get another comic for the weekend. I'm fucking crushed, guys. I'm crushed, okay?

You know, I'm just trying to make a good impression. I'm just trying to become a fucking comic. I leave that, man, and I go to my room, and I'm like, this is not going to work for me at all. You know? And as I started to open my notebook and just work clean, I just thought about Bill Hicks. And I thought about Andrew Dice Clay. And guys, I wasn't even in the fucking neighborhood then.

I was not even in that neighborhood. I couldn't even see myself even being successful as a comic. But before I became a comic, I became a man. And I fucking made a decision to stick to that material. And I didn't make a fucking change of it. I didn't give a fuck. I went back to that Friday And I

Guess what? Now I added anger to that fucking tone So I was slicing that fucking room apart As a feature act I was slicing that fucking room apart As a feature act Even Titus is looking at me a little weird She called me in again

And she's like tame it down I did not fucking tame it down In fact I went to the bar And I went to buy a package And then I went to get a draw from him She gave me a rough time about a draw. Like, we don't give draws here. I'm like, listen, I need the 50 fucking bucks.

I need the fucking money. What do you mean they don't give drugs? Draws. I've already worked six fucking shows. That's whatever the fuck it is. I got like $8,400 in credit. Give me $50. So we got into an argument about the fucking $50.

So I went back to the club and I asked some chick for fucking Coke. And she goes, I can't get you cocaine. There's no cocaine in this town, just meth. I go, fuck it. Give me a $10. bag of meth who gives a fuck i was so upset i go back to the hotel room on a friday night i did a fucking line of that met i was out of my mind and i fucking sit down to watch tv and on showtime there's a show called the dirty dozen a comedian show and i turned it on and it's like three shows i sat there

on the meth and i watched dom berera did a set that i fucking was blown away by somebody else did a set and then Joe Rogan did the set. I didn't even know who Joe Rogan was. He had a backwards hat on. He had hair. He was live from Boston and what the fuck they did it. I had no idea who the fucking guy

was. I turned it off. It's not like I didn't have a computer. I couldn't look him up or Domerera. I just knew who Don Marrera was before that. But right there, I made it my decision. That's what I want to do. And I had read all those Richard Pryor books and Lenny Bruce books at the time.

And I fucking went to the rest of the, I think I had three shows on Saturday and one on Sunday. I fucking wrapped, I ripped through that fucking room, those four shows. And when I went to get paid that night, she goes, you know what, I saw that. You never even paid attention to me or whatever. Don't ever call me for a recommendation. You're never working for me again. And I looked at it and I go, I don't give a fuck. And you know what?

Three years later, she quit the fucking business. She threatened me like, you're never going to work any more funny bones. I don't give a fuck, you know, good luck. And when you walk out of there, you're a little scared. You just went up against the fucking grain of what you want to do. And for me, I had nothing else I could do. I didn't have a mom and a dad who had a paint shop. You know what I'm saying?

I can't get a civil job. I can't. I didn't give a fuck. That's what a comedian does. We stand on what we believe in. And whether you're, you know, the other day, I was at my daughter in the car, listened to Tom Morello. We were driving back, and Tom Marello was doing a June 19 song.

So, you know, he played Fuck the Police, you know, by NWA. And my daughter's like, wow, that's kind of weird. You know, she's fucking nine. She's getting raised to do the right stuff. So when we pulled over, I talked to her. I said, you know, it's a rap song, and they had a lot of fucking problems with the cops. But I go, next time it's on, I want you to watch a scene with me when the cops, the Detroit cops, actually sat NWA down and said, you're not allowed to do this song, not allowed to do that song. And if we hear, fuck the police, we are obviously going to arrest you for vaguely, you know, whatever, obstruction and all this shit.

And the guy that played that manager was like, listen, you guys got to do what you got to do. play the song, they're up on stage ripping that room apart and fucking the guy that's supposed to play Ice Cube looks over at the dude, they give each other a look. Listen, when you're a comic, if you come up to me and tell me not to do a joke, you fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up. And that's what anybody. You fucked up. You go out there and the first thing you're going to do is you're going to say that fucking joke and look at that motherfucker and go, now what? Now what? Now what? That's what are? You cannot.

Listen, it's not like I'm six and I can't cross the street. I get that command. Honey, you're going to die. You can't cross the street. But when you come up to me as a club, comedy club, Booker or an owner, and you said to me, you can't do that joke because whatever, you do that joke and you take your lumps. And sometimes you win.

Nine of the ten, you will win. Trust me what I'm telling you, you'll win. Because the word gets out. after he's doing that, people are going to turn on him. And eventually, he'll come back to you. You know how I know? Because I did it to a thousand of those motherfuckers. I walked out of that room, out of that Boise fucking room that night.

She's sitting there with a fancy little fucking, you know, Sarah McLaughlin glasses on and shit, thinking that she's going a little affair. And I was like, I don't give a fuck what you got to say to me. Watch my fucking smoke. And I walked out of that room, and if you don't think I was nervous for a day or two, I'm lying to you.

I was a little scared of what I'd done my action, but guess what? In the end, I prevailed. Like, two years later, somebody said to me, not only is she getting out of the business, she closed in the fucking club. Like, she had this little, you know, yuppie contingency that was like, like, you had to see how they treated it at this club, the employees. Like, she had them, and I'm like, I've seen this before. This is L.A. yoga chick shit, you know, where they, you know,

oh, my God, I go to kickboxing. Who gives a fuck? I'll take a girl from Compton to come up here and bitch slap the fuck out of you with you. I don't care. I go to kickboxing. You ain't shit. You got a cardio kickboxing in Studio City.

I'll pick up a nice little black tough girl from Compton. Let's see what your cardio kickboxing does. Get the fuck. You know, they show up with their little hat, with the feather, with the tattoo, with the sleeve rolled up so you can see the bird in their life or whatever. Leave me the fuck alone, guys. I've seen those women come and fucking go.

with their cuteness and their bullshit. There was another fucking witch that used to book Cleveland and Buffalo. This bitch, I remember her name. Her name was Sarah Nye. I mean, this girl was known for hanging up the phone on you. Real fucking good looking though. Ooh!

Sarah Nye was throwing fucking heat jacked. Little Asian brunette, tremendous. But dog, the attitude of a fucking like a mutt. And she was another one that I, you know, I got to L.A. I'm doing good. I want to work Miami. I want to work Buffalo. She booked Buffalo, Miami, Cleveland. So what this dirty bitch would do is she would put you in Cleveland first in January. She could freeze your fucking dick off.

And then she would give you Buffalo. And then she would give you Miami a year later. I kept bugging her on Miami. She's the one that kept bugging me on Buffalo and Cleveland. So finally she gives me fucking Cleveland. Cleveland. And I don't know. Everybody says she's very nice.

I get there and this lady is a fucking witch. From the minute, and she's got an assistant who's a fucking cunt. This little cocksucker was a rat. He would tell her everything. Like the first day I got there, the only lunch around was at a strip club. They had free lunch. If you went in there spent like $5. Oh my God, the food came with hair and pubic hair.

Shit was floating in the air. But when you're a broke comic, you got to do what you got to do. to a cocksucker. So I had to do what I had to do. So you had to eat that shit. But I never forget one night I went in there. And I'm like, I need a $50 advance. And she's like, you're not getting it.

And by that point in my life, I was doing comedy about, yeah, I was about the same. It was about 98. I was doing comedy about eight years when I tangled with Sarah and I, maybe eight years, seven and a half years. first time I called that she gave me a hard time. Second time I called this lady says to me I'm going to give you

Buffalo and Cleveland and I go okay I was fucking excited as fuck guys I couldn't wait to get the fucking Buffalo I hadn't been to Buffalo since 84

it was like 99, 98 and fucking the day I'm going to leave for Buffalo the night before I got a call that was right after the Sopranos blew up

I mean right after it was like When there's a promise come on, 99? It had to be like March, April of 2000. I'll never forget I was at the improv on Melrose and my agent paid me that I got a Penzor commercial, a Penzol mafia commercial. This is when I was booking those,

everybody thought I was big pussy, so I was booking those mafia commercials. To a fucking month, Jack. Uncle Joy was not fucking around those days. No, good. And she fucking, I called and I go, listen, man, I booked a, now anybody else would be happy. A club owner?

Like, if you call a club owner and go, hey, man, I can't do Tuesday and Thursday because I booked a movie or something. They're like, man, that's pretty cool. Okay, come on Thursday. No worries. I'll fill somebody in for you. We're very proud of you. When I called this, I go, Sarah, how are you doing?

I booked a pencil campaign, print. it's all going to be mafia shit I can't go to Buffalo this week so she goes well I'm canceling your Cleveland date also and hung up on me I was like this is fucked up this is fucked up

that this lady is doing this shit to me so I took the fucking hit I waited like six months I called her again she's like are you going to cancel the time no she goes okay I'm going to give you Miami

and Cleveland. I was like, okay, so I had Miami in December, and then I had Cleveland, the first week of fucking January. Miami was a fucking paradise. People flying through the air, cocaine.

Some chick asked me if I could do a headstand, she'd suck my dick upside down. I mean, Miami, never disappointed in those days. Now I get to Cleveland, like two days after New Year's Day, it's a fucking two feet of snow. I get from the airport to the fucking club

It's one of those deals where guys They don't pick you up at the airport in those days You had to get to the club However And when you got to the club Then they go okay now you gotta get to the condo Where's the condo across town You have no fucking idea what you put up with

So I had to go get the keys to the condo And right away she had remarks from me about Working dirty Drug use You know Don't talk to the way waitresses just you know they give you the basic bullshit you know i asked the kid what do i eat lunch she tells me go to the strip club i go to the strip club i come back that night sarah's like how was

your strip club did you put a five you know like just they were just creepy fucking people i look at the assistant i'm like you're a fucking rat you little cock sucker but the whole week this lady rode me rode me and she threatened me like Thursday night she threatened me again with the fucking if you don't if you do that joke i'm gonna not you're not you're not give you work at the other improvs. You know what? I fucking did the joke. And that's the lady that when I asked her for a draw.

She said, we don't give draws. And I go, listen, you got about five minutes to get that fucking draw. Well, I'm going to go back to my room and fucking quit this week. And I just straightened her in a little manager. I asked her, I asked her manager, he went to her, and she told him I can't get a draw. I grabbed him and walked him into the office. And I go, oh, he said I can't get a fucking draw.

She's like, you can't. I don't give draws. I go, well, you're going to make an exception tonight. I lost my fucking credit card. I lost my ATM. I lost my wallet. Meanwhile, I didn't have a wallet on an ATM card. I had a Colorado driver's license or some shit.

And I just told them. I go, you're going to give me the $50. She looked at me. She said, if I give you the $50, you'll never work in one of my rooms again. I said, give me the fucking $50. I don't want to work in your fucking room again. She gave me the $50 and that was it. A year later, she got fired.

Not by me. I didn't rat around. I'm not a fucking crime style. I just took the $50 and finished my weekend. I never even dreamed to call on her anymore. I was like, fuck this shit. A couple months later, I got a call. Do you want to work Buffalo?

I go, not really. Now there's Sarah and I's book in the room. They're like, no, Sarah is not associated with the improv is normal. So here, there was two situations where I fucking thought my career was old with, and these are fucking funny bone people and improv people. Years earlier, I had a beef with a guy out of Texas that told me I would never work an improv again if I didn't show up to his gig. I waited until quarter of eight that night, he called me, he's like,

where are you? We're waiting on you. I go, bitch, don't you ever fucking threaten me again about a gig. You ever fucking threaten me again. I'll fucking go down there and I'll fucking stab you. I'm not going to your gig. Fuck you, you'll never work in this fucking state of Texas. I know everybody.

Fuck you. A year later, I was in Houston. And guess what? He had an opening in a place called Starkville, Mississippi. And when I got to Houston that night, they're like, hey man, whatever his name is, T.J. Or something like that, he's got an opening at Starkville. Do you want to do it?

It pays like $2.50. I'm like, dog, I'll definitely. do it but he's not going to put me in that he's going to remember who i am the kid goes let's call him so he called him he's like listen i got a headliner for tomorrow night he's headlining the houston lap stop i hope that uh he could work with me tomorrow and he'll drive and the guy's like okay what's his name and he goes joey dyes he goes hmm that name sounds familiar he goes is he there with you and i go yeah i go how you doing t j or tr he goes good who am i speaking with joe he does he goes

how come your name sounds familiar I don't know because this was when I thought when I told him to suck my dick was in 95

I called him like in 2001 I was at the Houston lap stop maybe 2002 could even could even been later

so I pick up the phone he goes yeah you know give me a call tomorrow morning I'll know more or less if the show is

going to go on and if it's going to go on I'll call you back and I'll give you the itinerary. Well, I called him at 901 the next day. And I go, how you doing? TR, TJ, whatever

your fucking name is. What time is the gig? And he's like, who's this? And I go, this is Joey Diaz. He goes, you motherfucker? He goes, I looked through my computer records last night. You were the one that didn't show up at that gig that night, and I ended up losing. I go, that's right, because you fucking

threaten me, you fuck. And now guess what? I'm fucking headlining, you dirty cuck, sucker. What are you going to do to me now? I'm not going to hire, and he hung up on me That was the end of that fucking cuck sucker. So don't let these comedy club owners get in your fucking way, guys. Don't do it. I will never do it.

I never allowed it. You're going, Joey, but look at your level. I'm just telling you about a story from 96, and I'm telling you a story from 99. I was at no fucking level, but I believed in myself. And I believe that these people couldn't get in my fucking way. and I believe that these people weren't strong enough to stop what I was doing. And guess what?

With all my junkie tendencies and the drugs and the shit, I was right. Believe in yourself, guys, it's a fucking Monday morning. We got two weeks before the fucking Fourth of July. I'm going on the Burke Chrysia tour this week, and I hope to see you guys, whether it's in Bristol, South Carolina, Mississippi. I'm looking forward to Mississippi. I think I'm going to eat some of those fucking things that

my cousin Vinny ate. Remember when he went to my cousin Vinny went to Mississippi? He ate that shit that they give you. It looks like oatmeal and stuff in the morning. I don't know. It looks disgusting. Anyway, it don't fucking matter. I'm excited about this week.

If you're a comic, believe in yourself, don't let nobody fuck with you. If you're an artist, believe in yourself. Don't let nobody fuck you. You know, I was watching that Cheryl Crow documentary. She's talking about how that guy, the manager of Michael

Jackson, told if he didn't suck his dick, she would never work again and she was scared. And she actually wrote a song about the sexual thing. After the guy threatened, at the time, that was fucking Michael Jackson manager. If that guy makes three phone calls, you won't fucking work.

But she believed in herself. She wrote a song about it, and she's like, fuck it, I'm not going to suck his fat dick. I'm going straight ahead. And guess what? He's dead of cancer. Cheryl Crow is still rocking. Believe in yourself on a beautiful Monday morning.

I love your cock suckers. Stay black. Thank you for watching The Joint. And I'll see you, motherfucker. This Wednesday afternoon, tip-top Magoo. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you for catching a tremendous ear.

beating on the Monday fucking morning. You know, I love you guys. I'm always here for fucking to tell you something about my life. I don't give a fuck. Anyway, the joint is brought to you by freeze pipe. No matter how hot it gets outside, the freeze pipe will keep your bung, ice fucking

cold. Let me tell you some, you don't know what it's like to just go in the freezer, take a fucking compartment out, slip it on to the fucking pipe of debt and rip that motherfucker. When that strong smoke of death from laughing gas, passes through the frozen part and you're just going to sit there going who's better than me nobody that's what i'm talking

about with the freeze pipe whether you get the bung the pipe of the bubbler it's always a fucking party you think acedc is in your fucking backyard the freeze pipe is non-toxic it freezes faster than water and it stays frozen longer freeze pipe cools down the smoke by hundreds of degrees to save your throat within all the ass you eat and pubic hair and malucia juice you got to take care you're fucking tonsils, cock suckers, and Uncle Joey's here to take care of you. So go to freezepipe.com, pressing code Joey to save 10% off your first order. Get your bong, pipe, or bubbler today. Uncle Joey sent you.

This is the freezepipe.com. The, T-H-E freezepipe.com. Pressing code, Joey, I'm going to save you 10% off the Vig. If you can smoke it, freeze pipe will fucking make it. The joint is also brought to you by Manscape. Listen, it's time you shaved your fucking ball sack around the fucking Pogo stick and a little off your asshole. You're starting to stink. You smell it when you're driving it.

That stink goes up. But listen, Manscape is here to save you. They got a tremendous package. I've told you about the 4.0 razor. I've told you about the weed whacker. Let's put it all together. Now, now they're going to give you something for after you, Manscape your nutsack. and they're the boxes 2.0.

Tagliss and made a buttery, soft micro fabric. You'll want a pair of these for every occasion. Every time you're sling dick, you want a pair of these. And they come with a feature, a jewel pouch, to keep your freshly shaved balls in their own little comfort palace. Anyway, that little jewel pouch is a little stash. If you need to bring a fucking couple of two to-l-l-l-lose with you and you don't want to get stopped at the airport.

You could also choose from the arrangement of design. and colors. Signs range from small to 3x to big dick McGick. Get 20% off plus free shipping with co-jew at manscape.com. Again, 20% off plus free shipping with code joey at Manscape.com. We've had this conversation for fucking months. It's time you fucking took care of yourself, Cuckucker. Manscape.com, your balls will thank you. I'll thank you. I'll Thank you. Grandma, thank you. And that's it. Prishing Co. Joey, I'm going to get your free shipping and 20% off.

I want to thank The Freeze Pipe and Manscape. But most importantly, I want to thank you, Savage's for another tip-top, McGoo show on a Monday morning. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you. And I'll see you Wednesday morning, ready to stab a motherfucker.