#173 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ
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03:24And now without further ado, it's Monday morning.Let's get this motherfucking party started.Yeah.It's happening, you bad motherfuckers.It's Monday the 20th of June.It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive.It was a great fucking weekend.Thank you very much for all the Father's Day wishes, whatever the fuck you call them.
04:45I'll tell you what, I had a great day on Father's Day.I had one of the best Father's Days I ever had in my life.So thank you.I didn't do much.I just hung out with my wife and my daughterWent swimming at my brother's shit like thatBut I had nothing on my mindI started this on Friday this week
05:04I started going into fucking Father's Day modeWe had a little barbecue Friday nightWe had to go to another party Saturday afternoonAnd then Saturday night we went to see Bill BurrHe was fucking tremendous as usualI want to thank him and Dean DoreFrom invite me to the showAnd that's it
05:23man it was a great fucking weekend it's a great week coming up i don't know if you guys beenfollowing bert on instagram but those shows look fucking great you know man uh i fucking hateworking for comedians when you become a comic there's always guys that you came up withand then one day they're like hey i'm booking a room or hey i own a comedy club between you and inine or ten of those guys buy a comedy club because they're not funny so they figureif they have a comedy club,they can buy their own state.I'm not talking out of the line here.
05:58I'm saying the truth here.And, you know, you fucking,what are we talking about?I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about here.I'm hired a bird's tour.And when you do something like,there was a club owner years agothat contacted me for a show.
06:14And I lived two hours away from the show at the time.It had to be 10, 12 years ago.And the guy was paying me for a show,like a Thursday night and he wanted me to do 545 radio two hours away from my house and then stay up therethe rest of the day radio is like 30 minutes so I'm going to be in some fucking stric I forget thatI forget what town it was wasn't a strange town but I'm going to be in this town from 615on I got to wait to 8 o'clock at night so I asked the guy do youhave a hotel that I could check
06:56into the guy goes there's no hotels we don't giveout hotels I go then dog I can't do thefucking radio because I'm not going to goall the way fucking up there andthen just sit there with my thumb up my ass all dayyou're only paying me like a deuceand fucking uh you knowfuck you I'm not doing it he got pissed this guy
07:13like hey man you give me the fucking hotel roomI'll do radio now I'm not staying up there all fucking dayand we parted and we were friends and that's itand I made a point there was a lot of there's a lot ofthe rooms that the people started on as comics and whatever sometimes they're pretty good peoplebut sometimes they get weird and uh they see you making a check and they're fucking stuck in a cluband it's kind of weird what my point is that sometimes comics they don't they forget they forgetof what it's like when you go into a comedy club and there's no green room guys i'm not i'm not
07:49i'm not always presently i don't need a fucking green room but without agreen room or somewhere to put us, you got people just mingling that they're on top of you beforethe show. And you know what? I came from the school that you don't want to see people before the show.When you come out on stage, you want to be that person. So if they see you off the fucking beatingpath, they're going to go, you're just another joke. That's not the way I look at things.If you came to Atlantic City shows, I was out there talking to people before Rogan came on.I don't give a fuck about that shit. But little things.you know, Bert on this tour
08:25has been a complete fucking gentleman to me.I mean, the flights are easy,but the food, how they contacted me,and they're like, what's your favorite snack?What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?What's your favorite?They sent me a fucking sheet.Like, what's your favorite non-alcoholic beverage?
08:44What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?What's your favorite food?What are your favorite snacks?What fruit do you like?I mean, come on, guys.Who fucking cater is?like this. He fuckingcolored Eminem's. He sent me pictures
08:58because they're like, listen, we're going tobe on the bus. If you want a hotel when we getthere, but take a look at the bedroomsin the bus. Holy fuck.There's five buses.And I think it'syou're in there with two other guys.The fucking bathroom is gorgeous.
09:15They got everything in there that you fucking need.Plus he's got a bus just filled with food.Plus he's got another busthat you go into. And there'sIt's a game room and stereos and fucking computers and shit.This is, he went off.And I saw, do you see any of the videos, Mike?Fucking, just beautiful what those feels look like.
09:36So I'm really proud of Bert.I'm really proud to be a part of this.I was on the fence.I'm not going to lie to anybody.I've been on the fence.I'm out of this fucking thing a year.You know, but I'll tell you what, I'm just going to, it's a four-day minicamp.Like when you want to get good at something,
09:53you got to go on triple runs.Why?Because it's six weeks.Like you just go,give me six weeks.You look at your mom and say,I ain't going to see you for six weeks.I'm going to go camping.
10:01Just look at it as a camping trip.That's why you do triple runs in the summer.They'll fuck with you and say,we got to pay you less money.But who gives the fuck?You're living in a tent.You know, you'll take the hotel room.You'll take the Oregon run.
10:13You'll take all those runs.And you'll live in a hotel room,three, four nights a week.Maybe you could squeeze a hotel out of a guyan extra night.But for two nights,you're just out there in wilderness.You're in Idaho.
10:23You're in Oregon.You're in Montana.Just go fucking camping.You know, these are, and this is what Bert's done.Like, we're going to be on a fucking bus, hotels.I'm only taking two planes, which that's, you know, I don't know how many fucking flights got canceled last week.Every day last week, I saw Dean Delray had a seven-hour delay.Bill Burr had a long delay.
10:46Ari and Mark Norman got fucking delayed.So I'm praying.Listen, I get delayed.I'm not going nowhere.You understand me?They come at me with a seven-hour wait time.I'm not going to go nowhere.Let me tell you some.
10:57When I fly home from fucking Texas,that's what I'm really scared of.After a seven-hour bus ride,going into an airport smelling like 10 dead Iraniansand fucking your balls are sweaty.I don't know what you have.No, they have a whole bus that's just got showers.No, no.
11:15Burt went all out.Burt went all out.And I told people on my Patreon podcast last week,I'm like, listen, guys, there's people that you might not like, you know, like they rub you the right, wrong way.Hey, that's what life is all about.But before you make an assumption or whatever about them, let me tell you something, anybody who's good to me and I tell you they're good to, I appreciate if you're nice to them, even if you don't like them, because they do a lot for me.I mean, Bert's taking care of everybody on this talk.Nikki, Dave Attell, I mean, Bert is treating us.
11:51like comics should be treated.And I ain't got nothing wrong with that.I got the utmost respect for people like that.You know, they don't forget of where the fuck they come fromor they're going to swallow all the profit for themselves.I don't think Bert will break even in this.I mean, let's say we sell out all the shows next week.I don't even think Bert will break even.
12:13Guys, you've got eight hitters on this show that he's taking off the road.So you got to pay them their fucking money.on top of that he's the buses are fucking beautifuleverything a state of the art talk they sent me a link for a websitethat you log into every day when you're on tour with them that tells you everything for the daylike yeah like breakfast is like 8 to 11 is going to be served like you go on that buswhenever you want to get breakfast then lunch from 12 to 4then mid-evening snack from 6 to 8
12:49You know, they got everything there for you to eat while you're waiting.The only thing I don't like is the long walk from the fucking trailer to the stage.I'm going to, my fucking tap up, but I'll just get like a scooter or something,go up there early and fucking get out.I'm sure he's got a fucking scoot on the back.You know, when you're a comic, you see a lot of shitty things when you start now.You know, you get thrown into shitty things.So it's always good to see somebody.
13:19taking care of comics the right way.So I love Burke Reischer.And I am fired up to see you motherfuckers.We're going to South Carolina,fucking Bristol, Tennessee.Maybe that chick that sucked my dick in Knoxville will show up.She's 40 now.So she's a little older, and her husband's like 50.
13:38I still need my 40 dollars.We're hitting fucking Atlanta, some part of Georgia.And we're hitting Mississippi.I got some dear friends in Mississippi.from Boulder. I can't wait tofucking see him. Soguys, I'm excited.So thank you for always having my back
13:57and thank you for the encouragement.I went out Thursday night. I didfucking Uncle Vinnie's and I gotto tell you something, guys. I gotback on the pandemic hitand we all got off stage in March.Some people got on stageright away. I took about six months
14:17off. I didn't get back on stage so September.I felt that I was flatAnd then I waited about a couple of weeksAnd I did another showAnd I was still very flatAnd I didn't know what was going on with meSo I just took like another month offAnd then I finally said, what the fuck is wrong with me
14:33Let me book some shows at Uncle Vinnie'sAnd go down there and work this outGuys I did like three monthsCouldn't get nowhereCouldn't get to the materialCouldn't get to the characterFell clunky up thereIt just didn't feel right
14:47And I didn't want to do it anymoreI took a little fucking breather.And then it was time.It was just time for me.I was starting to lose my mind here at the house.It was time for me just to just go out and see how it feels, you know.And I went out and it still felt a little clunky, but I felt a little better.Like, I don't know.
15:07I don't know how to describe it.I kept going up.You came to the benefit with Jimmy and then you came to the Rich Voss thing.And there was still something not going on with me.and it wasn't until I hit the stress factory with Brian Callan that I figured outeverybody's got jokes and here I was worried about the jokes what was going on was the characterthe character Coco needed to come back and be fucking silly and and whatever said it took time and guys allthose sets I must have done 20 sets that I got in that car and I felt like shit you know like when uh you say
15:47the wrong thing and somebody corrects you and you're like sorry about that like how's your husband myhusband died you're like you know something like that you know and you're getting your car you're likedamn i stuck my foot and i'm not that's how i felt after those 20 25 setsThursday night was the best that i've had since the pandemic since march second of 20202019 whatever the fuck the pandemic was that was the best that I hadsince I walked off the main room and Ali Wong hugged meand I fucking almost had a heart attack.Like that was Thursday night I drove home
16:26and I got to be honest here.I had to pull over and take two hits of the vapor pen.Like I'm like, what the fuck just happened?You know, and like I said on the podcast last week,the Patreon, but you, you know, without fucking the character,you're not spitting out this shit.You know, once I realized what I was going to do,who I was again and what direction I wanted to take it.
16:50Piece of fucking cake.Piece of fucking cake.I was so proud of myself.I was like, wow, this is pretty fucking impressive.So I'm happy that you guys supported me.I'm happy that you had my back.I'm happy that when I came and did sets,you were like, Joey, you killed.
17:07No, I didn't.But I appreciate the love.I love you, motherfuckers, just the same.You guys know this shit.You know what we're talking about artists and stand-up?I talk to a lot of young comicsMaybe on uh well I'm on Facebook jailBut I'm still allowed to fucking
17:22I'm still allowed toYou know send messagesI got a couple comics that alwaysSend me messagesI got a couple guys on PatreonThat hit me up for adviceAnd time to timeThey let me know what they're doing
17:34I'm just like a sounding board for themYou know listen I can't look at somebody setAnd tell you whether you're good or badI mean who the fuck am IThere's not not much I can do thathelp you. I could just guide you, you know, and I could give you advice on what to do.And some of the advice you agree with and some of the advice you're going, Joey, this is something that you forgot.You do at your level. No, I did some crazy shit at an early fucking level that got me to where I am.
18:05Because a lot of people will try to knock you off your fucking track when you're doing comedy in the beginning.A lot of people tried to discourage, even your friends, your family, your close.ones. I mean, it's a fucked up thingand it hurts your feelings, but sometimes you go, you know what?It's just, they're trying to protect me and I get it.You know, people say shit to you like you're an asshole.You're doing this gig for free.You know, Mike and I were talking about AMP.
18:30I did an AMP show the other night.I appreciate you guys that tuned in.I would appreciate more you guys just downloading the AMP app and I'mgoing to tell you why.Number one, I don't make a dime off amp guys.and near to you guys.Number two, it doesn't cost you anything, guys.Not a fucking thing.
18:50But I told Mike, well, I was doing that amp last week.I was very happy that I did it.Like, I fucking felt a euphoria over me.It was like doing cocaine for the first time.Honest to God, you're going to go, Joey,from doing a stupid radio show, from playing.Guys, the possibilities are fucking endless with amp.When I woke up Wednesday morning and Mike said he had done an amp show, I was so fucking happy.
19:22I was so fucking happy because for the last 10 years, all you motherfuckers been asking me,how do you start a podcast, how do you do this?Finally, the ship is here.No more fucking excuses, cock suckers.Amp, you don't need a fucking microphone.You don't need a camera.Mike, what do you need?Nothing.
19:45Just an iPhone at this point.Just an iPhone.Okay, all right, you need to spend $600 on an iPhone.You already got a fucking iPhone.It don't matter.You make your videos.You go on your apps.You watch your fucking porn.
19:57Whatever the fuck.Now I'm giving you something.I'm giving you an opportunity.And you're like, Joey, what are you talking?Listen, when you want to start a podcast,you got to buy two microphones, a fucking bored, whatever the fuck.The little thing that they have on a, on they sell.on Instagram, you know, be your own podcast producer with the switches and shit.
20:16All that shit costs you money and I get it.You know, you have to come up with the investment and Joey, how am I going to make that money back?Well, you're asking all the fucking wrong questions like everybody else does in this country.They ask the wrong question.Not the question you should be asking how much is going to cost or how am I going to make my money back.First of all, you're doing something you love doing.I mean, I could go to fuck.I can have a special Olympic fucking.
20:42AMP tournament, okay, and have like a bunch of kids.Number one, I figured out AMP.I am the dumbest computer person in the fucking world, okay?And I just sat there and figured out AMP, and I picked the songs, and the songsdisappeared one day.And, you know, it's a struggle, you know what I'm saying?But when I was on AMP, like 20 minutes in, like the first speech I gave, I don'twho the fuck knows, but like 20 minutes in, all I kept thinking about was Joe Rogan.
21:12I kept thinking about Joe Rogan.Joe Rogan, I'll tell you why.People fucking cry constantly in life.And trust me, I've been on that.And also, when you're an artist,when you're fucking struggling to make ends meetor to get to the destination that your goal is,you fucking get down on yourself from time to time.
21:34You know, you don't know, and you get frustrated,and you look at somebody who's doing better,you might get a little jealous of them.You know, we've all been in that same position.But you're not getting the fucking point of this.When Joe Rogan got into the UFC, he called Dana Wright, and he said,listen, I'd like to come and announce to shows.I don't want any money.
21:57I don't know if it was a year after he did those for free,that he finally got a paid gig on the UFC.It was something that Joe loved.Joe has always loved fighting.When I met Joe, he gave me a fucking speech one night about the kids.Klitschko brothers in Russia, right?I mean, Joe is going deep with this on me in the back,and it was one of the most inspirational speeches.
22:22He ever told me about Russian,how the Klinko brothers, whatever the fuck they are.Liquid IV cock suckers.Anyway, he's telling me all this shit,and I'm amazed.Guys, I was blown the fuck away from the 30-minute story.He told me on the Klichko brothers.Obviously, he loved fighting.
22:43At the same time, you know, he's going to Vegas to do these.events. I don't know. I'm going to you.Okay, see you later. See you Monday.And for a year,he did him out of his own pocket.He bought his own plane ticket.He bought his own meals. He bought his ownhotel room. And he
23:00would go to fucking Vegas and do these.And after a year, one day, they offered him a fuckingjob. And what was it?What is it? Fifteen fucking years later, he'she's show Rogan on the U.S.And I know they fucking pay him a lot of fucking money.It don't take a brain surgeon,right? So, this is
23:16a guy that everybody always always waiting for my ship to come in. What is my shipgoing to come in? When is my ship going to come in? Well, motherfuckers, here's your shit.But Joey, I don't know much about music. Who gives a fuck. They got amped. You could do anythingon that. You don't even have to put music. You could just do a talk show and just put the threetopics, sports, sex, and fucking, you know, entertainment, whatever. You don't. Guys, it's over.The excuses is over. There's no.book to teach you how to do a podcast.You're learning as you're going along.
23:51But this is everything that's set upfor you there. I mean, I was going.I thought that you had to set the songs upbefore you do the show.Dog, no. You could do it. That's how I pickedRobert, Richard Pryor.I thought it was going to fucking blow up.Like, I thought, I was like, I'm going to press
24:08this and the fucking system's going to goand they're all going to call me an asshole.I pressed that motherfucker and that. I pressedRichard Pryor.Why no versus Dracula?Boom.It fucking worked.Guys, this is, you know,
24:22and I told Mike, I go,Mike, I'm scared.I picked four songs.If we do this every weekand we each pick four songsat the end of the year,what's that bill going to come to?Remember those naps to bills
24:32and they came and shit?People were fucking going nuts.You always $800,000 for downloaded music.So I didn't want to take a chance like that.So, guys, it's a fucking opportunityin a half.I don't know what you're waiting.on sports one of the topics that they have they have bunch of shit because you got to pick your
24:52music your genre of music like if you just want to play rock metal disco funk pop you know they have soi mean i think it's the best fucking app because we've had apps before where you could you knowlike watch a game and put the game through the tv and you could be the announcer and then yeah thatwe had that for a long time but then when you get a lot of followersIf the system blew, they couldn't handle 200 people.I think 300, $290 around there, $290 around there,and then it drops and it picks back up again.Then it drops and it picks back up again.
25:31I didn't care about the numbers.I don't care about any of that shit.It's doing it.It's like when people say to me, Joy, I want to go on stage.Well, go on stage.Well, I need the right material.No, you don't.Trust me, the first time you ain't going to remember that material.
25:45You can do all the writing you want,all the memory dynamics.you want. You can eat all the Delta.What's that shit that you eat fish?Salmon that's got in it. That shit.You can eat all the salmon you want.Trust me. When you get on that stage the first time,you see 80 sets of eyeballs.
26:00That's 160 eyes.Staring at you. You're not going to remember shit anyway.I've been doing it 30 years, and there's times I go out that I see all these eyesand you forget what the fuck you're going to say.Just do it.Same thing with this amp thing.Download it. Wait to get the fucking thing in the mail, the email.Download your stuff.
26:18songs give it a fucking name for me it's the uncle joey power hour you know that's it because i usedto listen to the flower power hour that was an old show on the fucking 70s in new york city butguys this is the opportunity you've been waiting for i fucking love it i just got to figure outlike i'll do another show this week i'll try to do wednesday night i got to find the night where i'mconsistent with it i want to be very consistent with it if you do an eight o'clock show that's five o'clock inLA.People in their cars.I don't know if you could download the app
26:49to your car.I think you can.So I just got to finda more settledwhatever the fuck,you know, dynamic.Yeah.I just got to find
27:00the better fucking time to do it.I was talking aboutyoung comics before.Enough with the AMP app.You're going to download itand you're going to fucking love it.And I'm going to keep doing these shows.Guys, I found a lot
27:13about fucking obscure,skewer music on there.There's a lot of obscureschool of music.You know, when I first signed upand I'm like, Led Zeppel ain't going to be on here.What?Everything's fucking on there.
27:25So give the AMP app a look,download it, and we'll listen to each other.That's it.How's that?It's like we each have a fucking canwith a string on it now.That's how fucking cool this is, right?We could all communicate with each other.
27:37So what the fuck?I wanted to talk to you aboutthis story that I was thinking aboutbecause a comic hit me up the other day.said he went out to a club in Ohio and the fucking club person was an asshole to him the whole weekend.They were featuring and after that weekend they thought about quitting and, you know, and I talked to the guy.I was like, listen, don't ever quit over some jerk off fucking comedy club owner or some fucking jerk off comedy club booker, you know.I was doing comedy about six years.
28:10My eyes were wide open.My nose is wide open.And, you know, I just wanted to do good guys.I just didn't want to be a criminal no more.And I started, you know, going outside my comfort zone.I started doing Bellingham.I was living in Seattle.I was doing all these little clubs.
28:29I tried to get into Harvey's in Portland.And there was this club in Idaho called the Funny Boat.It was supposedly a fucking great club.We're going to talk about two booking people here at this story.And because both of these fucking booking peopletried to knock the sails, the wind out of my sales.But even as a young comic, you know,we take a lot of shit when we're struggling
28:59because we don't know any better.You know, you don't know any better.You're scared.You don't want to develop a reputationand then nobody will hire you.So you take a lot more shit than you usually would.You learn to ignore it.a while.
29:16You know, I never really,listen, I was getting shit onfrom day one, except that the comedyworks, everybody was cool to me,but in the other gig you had, there's alwayssome part of that you're going to getshit on, and it's just a part of,you know, that's why I advise
29:33you don't watch the Motley Crew movie.It's not like that for everybody.You're not just going to go up on stage,and they're clapping and throwing underwearthat, yeah, that's a fucking pipe dream.It's a good pipe dream to have,because it's going to happen, but you got to put in the fucking hard work, you know.So I get this call.
29:51I'm, you know, just expanding my horizons.And there's this funny bone club.And I forget what the girl's name was that managed it, you know.She was a woman of the world, you know, she wore a hat with the feather and the whole,she was too cool for school routine, you know.And when I called her, I kind of felt that, you know, I, Joey Diaz, a friend of mine gave me a reference to working club.well I looked at your tape andI hope you decide to clean it up
30:19before you come up here and all this shit.I'm like, yeah, whatever.Because you tell them whatever to get into the club.Then when you're there, who gives a fuck?Whatever they tell you, listen,we want you to wear a bunny hat, sure.Right, good, yeah, fuck you.Once you get there, oh, you forgot.
30:33I forgot the bunny hat.I had it also.I couldn't believe it.My daughter was crying on the way out.Fucking bunny hat.So I get to the Idahofunny bone and this fuckingYou drive, whatever, six, seven hours.
30:49Nobody's, you're not getting enough money for a fucking plane.So I drive my six, seven hours from Seattle.And, you know, you get to the club.They tell you, you know, you call them.You go, I'm leaving today.When do you think you'll be here?Well, I'm leaving at nine.I should be there by fucking four.
31:05So she goes, all right, I'll have somebody in the office, whatever.So you do your fucking driving.You don't eat, you're broke.You're looking at the E because you barely get the money to get there.And you get there, you're flustered, you're a little tired, you stretch.And I get to the comedy club to get the keys to the condo, and the comedy club is closed.Even though I had talked to the night before, and that morning there's nobody at the fucking club.Now I've got to go to a pay phone and call them, and she goes, oh, I'm sorry, I'm getting my head done.
31:35I'll be down there in 45 minutes.So now I've got to sit in my fucking car.I got to get a fucking subway veggie and cheese sandwich, eat half of it.because I can't fucking get any,I can't eat anything else until I get a draw.I barely had the $2.5 and quartersto get the fucking veggie and cheese sandwich.So now you're frustrated,
31:55you know, your family's eating fucking cheeseburgers and shit.You just talk to your friends in Boulderthat are making steaks on the grill.You're in fucking Idaho,eating fucking a subway sandwich.Okay.She pulls in.I go up, I see her going,
32:11and she goes, can you give me five minutes, please?I go, okay.Ain't this a bitch.So finally I opened the door.I goes, it okay now?She goes, yeah, come in, come to the back.Come to my office.So when I go into office, I go, that was a hell of a ride.
32:25And I pull her chair and I sit out.And she goes, did I tell you to sit?It would be one of these fucking weekends.And right away, note this fucking lady says to me,oh, by the way, you're staying at a hotel.I go, then why am I here to pick up a key to the condo?She goes, they're fixing the condo.We're just going to put you in a hotel.
32:52really in a bitchy way after she tells methat she asked me to sit downI'm a 500 a weekcomic for fucking eight showsnine showsI go all right you knowI just wasted a fucking hour and a half of my lifethat I'm not going to get back I could have just
33:07gone straight to the hotelbut the whole way the whole day she's telling methat she's fuckinguhshe's fuckinguh she's put me in a condosothe headline is Chris Titus
33:21All right.Chris was very cool then.You know, I met him outside with a fucking skateboard.He's on a skateboard and shit.I'm like, what the fuck?He's skating all around town.Chris is a great guy.I'm opening for him.
33:37You know, little that I know it.Chris got a show years later.Titus.What was the name of it?Titus.He was writing that show while we were there that week.Like, this is 1996 becausewhen I got to LA in 98,
33:53I went to the improv one nightand Titus is doing a one-man show.And I'll forget, I go,oh, that's what you were writing.He goes, yeah, I finally got it.Fox is going to buy it.So Titus is great.Everything was great.
34:05I think the week started on Tuesday,Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,through fucking Sunday.So, all right,everybody's hunky dory.We do the shows,and me and Chris are getting along.We have no problem.
34:19And I think like after three,shows Thursday she calls me in the office she calls me in the hotel one day she's like hey can youcome over to the office I need to talk to you I didn't know what you want to talk to me about I getthat now this lady had control she was really good friend like she was a hippie chick that justthought she wasn't even good looking she thought that she was good friends with somebody who bookedall the funny bone and the word on the street was if she liked you you could work the rest of thefunny bones. So when I went up there, yeah, guys, what the fuck. I'm looking for work. I'm looking to go upthere and make a great impression. But I could tell from the minute I walked in there, this lady was
35:02not buying my fucking act at all. Now she wants to see me. I got called for like in the mafia. So I'm,I don't know what to expect. I go over there. I'm like, what's up? She goes, we got like threecomplaints about your material. Okay. What kind of complaints? And she's like, well, you said ajoke about this and I'm likeat that time I wasa little rougher guys you knowthis is 9596 I was a little rougher
35:32I didn't understand what offensivemeant I knew thatI worked dirty and I knew that peoplehad told me if you work dirty as a featureact you're not going to get workI did not believe thatI let that fall off my fucking shouldersyou know I believed in the power
35:48of the headliner and I believedin what I could do and what I couldn't doand, you know, I wasn't working that dirty at the time.She's sitting across from me telling me that I'm offensive, whatever,and that if I don't clean up my act,she's going to have to let me go home and get another comic for the weekend.I'm fucking crushed, guys.I'm crushed, okay?
36:07You know, I'm just trying to make a good impression.I'm just trying to become a fucking comic.I leave that, man, and I go to my room,and I'm like, this is not going to work for me at all.You know?And as I started to open my notebook and just work clean, I just thought about Bill Hicks.And I thought about Andrew Dice Clay.And guys, I wasn't even in the fucking neighborhood then.
36:32I was not even in that neighborhood.I couldn't even see myself even being successful as a comic.But before I became a comic, I became a man.And I fucking made a decision to stick to that material.And I didn't make a fucking change of it.I didn't give a fuck.I went back to that FridayAnd I
36:53Guess what?Now I added anger to that fucking toneSo I was slicing that fucking room apartAs a feature actI was slicing that fucking room apartAs a feature actEven Titus is looking at me a little weirdShe called me in again
37:09And she's like tame it downI did not fucking tame it downIn fact I went to the barAnd I went to buy a packageAnd then I went to get a draw from himShe gave me a rough time about a draw.Like, we don't give draws here.I'm like, listen, I need the 50 fucking bucks.
37:24I need the fucking money.What do you mean they don't give drugs?Draws.I've already worked six fucking shows.That's whatever the fuck it is.I got like $8,400 in credit.Give me $50.So we got into an argument about the fucking $50.
37:37So I went back to the club and I asked some chick for fucking Coke.And she goes, I can't get you cocaine.There's no cocaine in this town, just meth.I go, fuck it.Give me a $10.bag of meth who gives a fuck i was so upset i go back to the hotel room on a friday night i did afucking line of that met i was out of my mind and i fucking sit down to watch tv and on showtime there's ashow called the dirty dozen a comedian show and i turned it on and it's like three shows i sat there
38:14on the meth and i watched dom berera did a set that i fucking was blown away by somebody else did aset and then JoeRogan did the set.I didn't even know who Joe Roganwas. He had a backwards hat on.He had hair. He was livefrom Boston and what the fuck they did it.I had no idea who the fucking guy
38:36was. I turned it off. It's not likeI didn't have a computer. I couldn't look him upor Domerera. I justknew who Don Marrera was before that.But right there, I made it my decision. That'swhat I want to do. And I hadread all those Richard Pryor booksand Lenny Bruce books at the time.
38:52And I fucking went to the rest of the, I think I had three shows on Saturday and one on Sunday.I fucking wrapped, I ripped through that fucking room, those four shows.And when I went to get paid that night, she goes, you know what, I saw that.You never even paid attention to me or whatever.Don't ever call me for a recommendation.You're never working for me again.And I looked at it and I go, I don't give a fuck.And you know what?
39:19Three years later, she quit the fucking business.She threatened me like, you're never going to work any more funny bones.I don't give a fuck, you know, good luck.And when you walk out of there, you're a little scared.You just went up against the fucking grain of what you want to do.And for me, I had nothing else I could do.I didn't have a mom and a dad who had a paint shop.You know what I'm saying?
39:44I can't get a civil job.I can't.I didn't give a fuck.That's what a comedian does.We stand on what we believe in.And whether you're, you know, the other day, I was at my daughter in the car,listened to Tom Morello.We were driving back, and Tom Marello was doing a June 19 song.
40:03So, you know, he played Fuck the Police, you know, by NWA.And my daughter's like, wow, that's kind of weird.You know, she's fucking nine.She's getting raised to do the right stuff.So when we pulled over, I talked to her.I said, you know, it's a rap song, and they had a lot of fucking problems with the cops.But I go, next time it's on, I want you to watch a scene with me when the cops, the Detroit cops, actually sat NWA down and said, you're not allowed to do this song, not allowed to do that song.And if we hear, fuck the police, we are obviously going to arrest you for vaguely, you know, whatever, obstruction and all this shit.
40:47And the guy that played that manager was like, listen, you guys got to do what you got to do.play the song, they're up on stage ripping that room apart and fucking the guy that's supposed to play Ice Cubelooks over at the dude, they give each other a look. Listen, when you're a comic, if you come up to meand tell me not to do a joke, you fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up. You fucked up. And that'swhat anybody. You fucked up. You go out there and the first thing you're going to do is you're going to saythat fucking joke and look at that motherfucker and go,now what? Now what? Now what?That's what are? You cannot.
41:37Listen, it's not like I'm six and I can't cross the street.I get that command.Honey, you're going to die. You can't cross the street.But when you come up to me as a club, comedy club,Booker or an owner, and you said to me,you can't do that joke because whatever,you do that joke and you take your lumps.And sometimes you win.
41:54Nine of the ten, you will win.Trust me what I'm telling you, you'll win.Because the word gets out.after he's doing that, people are going to turn on him.And eventually, he'll come back to you.You know how I know?Because I did it to a thousand of those motherfuckers.I walked out of that room, out of that Boise fucking room that night.
42:11She's sitting there with a fancy little fucking, you know,Sarah McLaughlin glasses on and shit,thinking that she's going a little affair.And I was like, I don't give a fuck what you got to say to me.Watch my fucking smoke.And I walked out of that room,and if you don't think I was nervous for a day or two,I'm lying to you.
42:30I was a little scared of what I'd done my action, but guess what?In the end, I prevailed.Like, two years later, somebody said to me,not only is she getting out of the business, she closed in the fucking club.Like, she had this little, you know, yuppie contingency that was like,like, you had to see how they treated it at this club, the employees.Like, she had them, and I'm like, I've seen this before.This is L.A. yoga chick shit, you know, where they, you know,
42:57oh, my God, I go to kickboxing.Who gives a fuck?I'll take a girl from Compton to come up hereand bitch slap the fuck out of you with you.I don't care.I go to kickboxing.You ain't shit.You got a cardio kickboxing in Studio City.
43:11I'll pick up a nice little black tough girl from Compton.Let's see what your cardio kickboxing does.Get the fuck.You know, they show up with their little hat,with the feather, with the tattoo,with the sleeve rolled up so you can see the bird in their life or whatever.Leave me the fuck alone, guys.I've seen those women come and fucking go.
43:28with their cuteness and their bullshit.There was another fucking witchthat used to book Cleveland and Buffalo.This bitch, I remember her name.Her name was Sarah Nye.I mean, this girl was known for hanging up the phone on you.Real fucking good looking though.Ooh!
43:48Sarah Nye was throwing fucking heat jacked.Little Asian brunette, tremendous.But dog, the attitude of a fucking like a mutt.And she was another one that I, you know, I got to L.A. I'm doing good.I want to work Miami. I want to work Buffalo.She booked Buffalo, Miami, Cleveland.So what this dirty bitch would do is she would put you in Cleveland first in January.She could freeze your fucking dick off.
44:17And then she would give you Buffalo.And then she would give you Miami a year later.I kept bugging her on Miami.She's the one that kept bugging me on Buffalo and Cleveland.So finally she gives me fucking Cleveland.Cleveland.And I don't know.Everybody says she's very nice.
44:33I get there and this lady is a fucking witch.From the minute, and she's got an assistant who's a fucking cunt.This little cocksucker was a rat.He would tell her everything.Like the first day I got there, the only lunch around was at a strip club.They had free lunch.If you went in there spent like $5.Oh my God, the food came with hair and pubic hair.
44:54Shit was floating in the air.But when you're a broke comic, you got to do what you got to do.to a cocksucker.So I had to do what I had to do.So you had to eat that shit.But I never forget one night I went in there.And I'm like, I need a $50 advance.And she's like, you're not getting it.
45:11And by that point in my life, I was doing comedy about, yeah, I was about the same.It was about 98.I was doing comedy about eight years when I tangled with Sarah and I, maybe eight years, seven and a half years.first time I calledthat she gave me a hard time.Second time I calledthis lady says to meI'm going to give you
45:32Buffalo and Clevelandand I gookay I was fucking excitedas fuck guysI couldn't waitto get the fucking BuffaloI hadn't been to Buffalosince 84
45:42it was like99, 98and fuckingthe day I'm going to leavefor Buffalothe night before I got a callthat was right afterthe Sopranos blew up
45:52I mean right afterit was likeWhen there's a promise come on, 99?It had to be like March, April of 2000.I'll never forget I was at the improv on Melroseand my agent paid me that I got a Penzor commercial,a Penzol mafia commercial.This is when I was booking those,
46:17everybody thought I was big pussy,so I was booking those mafia commercials.To a fucking month, Jack.Uncle Joy was not fucking around those days.No, good.And she fucking, I called and I go, listen, man, I booked a,now anybody else would be happy.A club owner?
46:36Like, if you call a club owner and go, hey, man, I can't do Tuesday and Thursdaybecause I booked a movie or something.They're like, man, that's pretty cool.Okay, come on Thursday.No worries.I'll fill somebody in for you.We're very proud of you.When I called this, I go, Sarah, how are you doing?
46:52I booked a pencil campaign, print.it's all going to be mafia shitI can't go to Buffalo this weekso she goeswell I'm canceling your Cleveland datealso and hung up on meI was like this is fucked upthis is fucked up
47:10that this ladyis doing this shit to meso I took the fucking hitI waited like six monthsI called her againshe's like are you going to cancel the timenoshe goes okay I'm going to give you Miami
47:26and Cleveland.I was like,okay, so I had Miami in December,and then I had Cleveland,the first week of fucking January.Miami was a fucking paradise.People flying through the air,cocaine.
47:41Some chick asked me if I could do a headstand,she'd suck my dick upside down.I mean, Miami,never disappointed in those days.Now I get to Cleveland,like two days after New Year's Day,it's a fucking two feet of snow.I get from the airport to the fucking club
47:58It's one of those deals where guysThey don't pick you up at the airport in those daysYou had to get to the clubHoweverAnd when you got to the clubThen they go okay now you gotta get to the condoWhere's the condo across townYou have no fucking idea what you put up with
48:15So I had to go get the keys to the condoAnd right away she had remarks from me aboutWorking dirtyDrug useYou knowDon't talk to the waywaitresses just you know they give you the basic bullshit you know i asked the kid what do i eat lunchshe tells me go to the strip club i go to the strip club i come back that night sarah's like how was
48:36your strip club did you put a five you know like just they were just creepy fucking peoplei look at the assistant i'm like you're a fucking rat you little cock sucker but the whole weekthis lady rode me rode me and she threatened me like Thursday night she threatened me againwith the fucking if you don't if you do that joke i'm gonna not you're not you'renot give you work at the other improvs.You know what?I fucking did the joke.And that's the lady that when I asked her for a draw.
49:03She said, we don't give draws.And I go, listen, you got about five minutes to get that fucking draw.Well, I'm going to go back to my room and fucking quit this week.And I just straightened her in a little manager.I asked her, I asked her manager, he went to her,and she told him I can't get a draw.I grabbed him and walked him into the office.And I go, oh, he said I can't get a fucking draw.
49:28She's like, you can't.I don't give draws.I go, well, you're going to make an exception tonight.I lost my fucking credit card.I lost my ATM.I lost my wallet.Meanwhile, I didn't have a wallet on an ATM card.I had a Colorado driver's license or some shit.
49:44And I just told them.I go, you're going to give me the $50.She looked at me.She said, if I give you the $50, you'll never work in one of my rooms again.I said, give me the fucking $50.I don't want to work in your fucking room again.She gave me the $50 and that was it.A year later, she got fired.
50:04Not by me.I didn't rat around.I'm not a fucking crime style.I just took the $50 and finished my weekend.I never even dreamed to call on her anymore.I was like, fuck this shit.A couple months later, I got a call.Do you want to work Buffalo?
50:18I go, not really.Now there's Sarah and I's book in the room.They're like, no, Sarah is not associated with the improv is normal.So here, there was two situations where I fucking thought my career was old with,and these are fucking funny bone people and improv people.Years earlier, I had a beef with a guy out of Texas that told me I would never work an improv againif I didn't show up to his gig.I waited until quarter of eight that night, he called me, he's like,
50:46where are you?We're waiting on you.I go, bitch, don't you ever fucking threaten me again about a gig.You ever fucking threaten me again.I'll fucking go down there and I'll fucking stab you.I'm not going to your gig.Fuck you, you'll never work in this fucking state of Texas.I know everybody.
51:03Fuck you.A year later, I was in Houston.And guess what?He had an opening in a place called Starkville, Mississippi.And when I got to Houston that night, they're like, hey man,whatever his name is, T.J.Or something like that, he's got an opening at Starkville.Do you want to do it?
51:21It pays like $2.50.I'm like, dog, I'll definitely.do it but he's not going to put me in that he's going to remember who i am the kid goes let's callhim so he called him he's like listen i got a headliner for tomorrow night he's headlining thehouston lap stop i hope that uh he could work with me tomorrow and he'll drive and the guy's likeokay what's his name and he goes joey dyes he goes hmm that name sounds familiar he goes is he therewith you and i go yeah i go how you doing t j or tr he goes good who am i speaking with joehe does he goes
51:55how come your namesounds familiarI don't knowbecause this waswhen I thoughtwhen I told himto suck my dickwas in 95
52:04I called himlike in 2001I was at the Houstonlap stopmaybe 2002could evencould evenbeen later
52:10so I pick up the phonehe goesyeah you knowgive me a calltomorrowmorning I'll knowmore or lessif the show is
52:19going to go onand if it'sgoing to go onI'll call you backand I'll give you theitinerary. Well, I called him at 901the next day. And I go,how you doing? TR, TJ, whatever
52:30your fucking name is.What time is the gig? And he'slike, who's this? And I go, this isJoey Diaz. He goes, you motherfucker?He goes, I looked through my computerrecords last night. You were the one thatdidn't show up at that gig that night, and I ended uplosing. I go, that's right, because you fucking
52:46threaten me, you fuck. And nowguess what? I'm fucking headlining, you dirtycuck, sucker. What are you going to do to me now?I'm not going to hire, and he hung up on meThat was the end of that fucking cuck sucker.So don't let these comedy club owners get in your fucking way, guys.Don't do it.I will never do it.
53:05I never allowed it.You're going, Joey, but look at your level.I'm just telling you about a story from 96,and I'm telling you a story from 99.I was at no fucking level, but I believed in myself.And I believe that these people couldn't get in my fucking way.and I believe that these people weren't strong enough to stop what I was doing.And guess what?
53:27With all my junkie tendencies and the drugs and the shit, I was right.Believe in yourself, guys, it's a fucking Monday morning.We got two weeks before the fucking Fourth of July.I'm going on the Burke Chrysia tour this week,and I hope to see you guys, whether it's in Bristol, South Carolina,Mississippi. I'm lookingforward to Mississippi. I think I'm goingto eat some of those fucking things that
53:56my cousin Vinny ate.Remember when he went tomy cousin Vinny went to Mississippi?He ate that shit that they give you.It looks like oatmeal and stuff in the morning.I don't know. It looks disgusting.Anyway, it don't fucking matter.I'm excited about this week.
54:13If you're a comic,believe in yourself, don't let nobodyfuck with you. If you're an artist,believe in yourself. Don't let nobodyfuck you. You know, I was watching thatCheryl Crow documentary.She's talking about howthat guy, the manager of Michael
54:28Jackson, told if he didn't suck his dick,she would never work againand she was scared. And she actuallywrote a song aboutthe sexual thing. After the guy threatened, at thetime, that was fucking Michael Jackson manager.If that guy makes three phone calls,you won't fucking work.
54:45But she believed in herself.She wrote a song about it, and she's like,fuck it, I'm not going to suck his fat dick.I'm going straight ahead.And guess what?He's dead of cancer.Cheryl Crow is still rocking.Believe in yourself on a beautiful Monday morning.
55:00I love your cock suckers.Stay black.Thank you for watching The Joint.And I'll see you, motherfucker.This Wednesday afternoon, tip-top Magoo.And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack.All right, you bad motherfuckers.I want to thank you for catching a tremendous ear.
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58:26I want to thank The Freeze Pipe and Manscape.But most importantly, I want to thank you, Savage's for another tip-top,McGoo show on a Monday morning.Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you.And I'll see you Wednesday morning, ready to stab a motherfucker.
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