The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #175 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 7, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Steve Simeone for the second remote recording of the Church. This podcast is brought to you by: Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 05/07/2014.

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If you're into vapor pens, these motherfuckers will put you in a different world, okay? If you're into Gumi Beers, they'll put you into a different fucking planet. Why? I have no idea. That's just how it works out. Thank you for listening. Good morning. Welcome to the church.

Today, May 8th, no, May 7th, 2014, direct to you coming live from Marie ETC. We got the office ready. The camera's up already to go. but who wants to be cooped up inside like a fucking prison or war, you understand me? So why not do some coffee, hit the vapor pen, and sit outside and get some fresh air here today. Today our special guest is Steve Simone. What's happened, Steve? What's up, Uncle Joe?

You know me, and my main man Lee Syed is here. How you doing, buddy? I'm good. You're feeling good, you're relaxed, everything's good? Yeah, I haven't smoked vapor for a while. And how do you feel? You're stone? A little bit.

You want to get stoned with the vapor pan? No. You sure? He wanted to give you a pot cookie and talk to you. about the devil. I wouldn't let him do it. I wouldn't let him do it. I have my Nicorette gum and a black coffee. I'm good to go. I know how high Joey is by how long he talks to me at night because usually it's 30 seconds. How you doing? See tomorrow 6 a.m. We talked for like 15 minutes last night about the weirdest stuff,

but he's like, should I save this half a pot cookie for Steve Simone? And when he gets a high, we'll talk to him about the devil. No way. Why not? What the fuck? I love it. Steve needs to talk about the devil every once in a while just to let him know. Dude, I listen to Black Sabbath every once in a while just to put a good scare in me. What do you listen to? I love all the... I love... Well, I love the first albums with Ozzy.

Okay. But then the... What's the black... The one with Dio is not that bad. Heaven and Hell is not a bad album. It's not a bad album. I didn't like it when it first came out, though. When I first came out, I didn't want to fucking like it.

But then Dio won me over. Heaven and Hell is great. There's like three songs on the album is good. Then something happened. I went to see them. Okay. I wanted to see them at the Spectrum in Philadelphia. Get out of here.

The city of brother of love with, who was with them? The guy who ended up singing for Van Halen. Gary Sharon? No. Oh, Sammy Hagar. And Shaken Street. They were fucking terrible. People were spitting out of them.

They were spit on their fingers and flinging them up. That's how they spit at you in Philadelphia. They said, look at that fucking muffler. You know, Jesus, good. This is tremendous. I love this city. I know you do. I know you do.

You were driving this other girl crazy. She was all embarrassed and shit. Oh, God. Lee loves yoga. pants. So they were spit on Sammy Hagar and then spitting on him and you know who else was there? Montrose. No, I got the concerts confused.

But anyway, it don't fucking matter. My point is my boy, we're talking about all... Black Sabbath. You know what album used to scare the shit out of me when I was young? What's that? Master Reality. The first time I bought Master Reality, I bought it right after my mother died. It was kind of scary. I was 16, my head

was fucked up and I put it on one night. And once I heard like into the void, there's some stuff on there. you would allow. There's the one song you would turn off. Would you like to see the Pope at the end of the road? You'd think he's a fool. But listen to the lyrics.

Oh, it's brilliant. He talks about the truth, and I've changed my ways. I hope you're prepared when you're lonely and scared at the end of your days. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The only way to God above is through love. Dude, they were on to some shit. They knew. It was deep.

He was doomed. Does it scare you sober? Because one of the days after an endable, I went home and I clicked on one of the videos you posted on Twitter. I don't remember what song it was. It might not have even been Black Sabbath. But I had to turn it off halfway through. I was having a panic. You got anxiety during 24.

What type of half a fag are you? What the fuck is wrong? How are you going to get anxiety during 24? I didn't turn it on because I was deep in the edible. And I was like, all right, if Jack Power starts murdering somebody, the tense music starts happening. That's hysterical. So I recorded it.

I was too nervous. Get it together, Cucks. ducking. Please tell me that's a shirt. Pretty soon. Pretty soon. I'll buy that shirt. The Year of the Savage, all that shit.

We're putting on it. We saw something today. It was hysterical. Listen, listen, let's talk about this again. If everybody had a camera on them and a microphone, it would be very interesting what your real thoughts would be.

Yeah. You know, it's very, your first thought that comes into your mind. So today, you know, it's like, the other than I told the joke on stage. really a joke. I said, when you see me walking down the street, you don't go, look at this pleasant person walking at us. He looks so positive. You go, look at this fat spick coming at us, right?

It's like a, it's like a fucking monster coming at you. And I know, as long as you know, this going in, it makes like fees. You know, only in California, you know, you got people who want to ride a bicycle, and I'm okay with that. But tell me what's the way, you got these fucking gentiles that want to be better than everybody. So you got like a unicycle. Oh, yeah, they need the extra attention. They need the extra attention. Any extra attention? So when you're like, I bite 26 miles, like, oh, no, I unicycle.

82.9 fucking miles. And I'm supposed to give a Frenchman's fuck, right? Okay. So today, right, you're supposed to make believe at the farmer's market. Like, I give a fuck. Right? So, me and Lee are making the left turn, and we see this fucking guy early in the morning, right? We see this guy early in the morning, cutting us off.

And the first thing that comes to my mind is you'll never see a fucking. fucking moolly on one of these things with Alman on. You'll never see a black dude or Mexican. No. Oh my God. You'll never see a nigga on a cycle. That's never going to happen. And I don't mean to insult nobody, but that's the first thing that comes to your mind.

You'll never see a fucking Japanese guy on a moly cycle going down the street, make him believe. It's always some goofy fucking white guy. So true. You know, Mexicans, Cubans, Puerto Ricans, you never going to see him on a unibicle with a fucking Puerto Rican flag cutting you off on the right-hand lane. That's never going to fucking happen. can flags flapping. Never.

That's so true. You know, this is the truth. That's the beauty about the fucking church. We drop knowledge how it is, even though it's a Wednesday. Who gives a fuck? You better put this podcast up to that. People are waiting for it, Lee. Okay.

Look at Lee. He's got a fucking thing in his ear like an FBI age. I don't even know if I can talk about around it. He just made me nervous. It's so great. We were talking about a very interesting thing this morning. And it really doesn't matter what field you're in because everybody could relate to this. I hosted an open mic last night at John Lovitz, and it had been years.

The last time I host an open mic was at my days at the store, which it really helped me become a comic. It made me a well-rounded comic. You were the first guy to get me on stage at the comedy store. You were hosting open mic. I don't fuck around. If I liked you, I knew with the credit. I knew what it meant to have that on you. You know, when you're a boy's guy, if you're a guy, if you're a host of a show,

dick they give you a bend if you light a fire they give you a thing if you everything's got a different badge and you do the comedy store whether you're doing it one year or eight years when you walk out of that i mean you just walk out of there you just perform in heaven you just perform listen the improv is one thing the laugh factory is another i know when i walked into this town me personally if i was to get on stage at the comedy store that's more than i ever expected of seriously. That's, when you're coming up, when you're going to those open mics

in different cities, and a comic looks at you and he goes, yeah, I've been to the comedy store, your heart stops. Right away, you're under him. He's got you. No matter how good you do that night, you think good, kid, I'll see you at the comedy store some night. That's how they really treat you.

You know, it's different how Pauly Shore is to you in L.A. and how Pauley Shore is to you when you're bump into him in Minneapolis. Yeah. People change completely. I'm not, I'm just making sure. I'm not saying anything bad about them, but the open mic is where it all starts.

Go ahead, buddy. I mean, it's very interesting. People who might not know, it's like, so anyone can do an open mic, right? Like anyone off the street can do three minutes. All right, most clubs are for one night a month, one night a week, you sign up. Listen, it's based on whether they know you or not.

You know, they're trying to also make an interesting show. There's always politics. involved but there's always six look at this fucking savage there's that's looked like Jessica Simpson before she fucked Bono whatever his name Romo whatever his fucking name

is Bono I don't know Romo Bono you know me there's always somewhere you could go and they put you up on stage and it's never gonna be you know when you read Judy Carter's book and when yeah that was

I was playing with the baby She was touching shit in the bathroom The bathroom door was open And I was just chasing And I was thinking about The illusion you have About stand-up comedy Lee has always said to me

Joey I really want to shoot something About you doing a tour About you getting ready to do a special And I never Agree with Lee till the other day While I was playing with Mercy Because it's true People really have to know

That it's just not about going up on stage one day and they happen to be there with cameras and it's the best set of your life it's on HBO you know first time you saw stand-up Lee how old were you

who did you see I mean it doesn't matter you don't know so you could be honest with it one of the first ones probably the first one I remember is I bought and I went to the mall with my babysitter I went to strawberries

and I bought the VHS of Bill Cosby himself. Wow. And I must have watched it eight that time. What made you by that? Why? I probably recognized him from the Bill Cosby show if I had to guess. And I've always liked comedies, but that was probably my first stand-up.

But then I had Robin Williams on Broadway, I think. Live at the Met. You live at the Man. Then I had my mom like, maybe that's not true. It's either Bill Cosby or my mom, I think, had. one of Jerry Seinfeld's ones where he puts the jokes in the coffin or whatever

I think I watched that a couple times but fucking yeah I loved it but the one that had the most impact was the Bill Cosby one because my dad and I would drive around and we would do the lib-ups on the floor, the dentist and then the other one was

John Pennett I say nay-nay my family and I we brought that DVD around to other families and I can't remember I remember laughing harder. We laughed so hard that he had a joke about going to a Chinese buffet and the guy kicking him out saying it's all you can eat but not forever in a fucking horrible Chinese accent. And we still laugh about it today. Everybody does.

Yeah. And it's terrible that he just passed away. But yeah, probably Bill Cosby himself and John Pennett, I say nay, nay, nay. What about you? The first time you saw it was on television, was on a DVD. I don't remember my life without it. Like, I could, I remember being three years old, and my parents dropping me and my brother's off. I was three.

They dropped us off at my grandmother's house so they could go see Richard Pryor at the Latin Casino. And I remember being three years old going, I wish I was with them. Like, I always remember what stand, I always knew what it was for some reason. Everybody's house had a different vibe. There were people that you knew you had to take your shoes off when they went to your house. There was always the family. They were good at sports. There was always the people that, like, they always.

I always had a business. My family was always the family that was laughing. And I don't remember my life without stand-up. Was it on TV back then? Yes. Yeah. I remember being a little kid, Mike Douglas. There was afternoon talk shows where you could see stand-up comedians. I mean, I'm two, three, four years old.

Wow. And I'd watch stand-ups on there. I remember watching David Brenner on that. I remember. But the first special, I remember, vividly, was Eddie Murphy Delirious. Me too. Eddie Murphy Delirious. And that was the greatest thing I've ever seen.

just mind-boggling. You was that? 83, 84. It was something that, because I can't lie to you people, I don't remember the first time I physically I think it was like Richard Brenner on Catch a Rising Star. I used to have a show when I was a kid, but I'm not going to tell you exactly what comedian and it wasn't until I heard Richard Pryor with my ears. I heard the album.

And then, but the first guy that really took me a wind was Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy, you know, everybody's a lot really young to remember, but he came out with that 48 hours in trading places. It was three comedy masterpieces, and you could say what you want about him, transvestites, you know, he dresses up now, whatever. Life is a great movie. Harlem Knights is a great movie. He's done some great things to film, but it's amazing what people take when they see a special

or comic. They're like, oh my God, you just get on stage. age one night. You don't work on it. And to, yeah, to think of what really all the years behind it. Like, I used to think comedians... Hold on one second.

Fucking the Malaysia flights over us. Finally. They found it. It's the studio city. Asterical. Fucking helicopter makes all that noise. You want to see helicopters? It's really amazing

the work that goes into it. And it starts on an open mic. And last thing I got the chance to host one that's been years, and we take things for granted in our lives. Now, why did you, I can't, if I've known you for three years, if I imagine someone calling you and saying, will you come host and open a mic on Tuesday, and you have to drive late at night on Tuesday,

I would have bet a million dollars you would have said no. Well, Lee, we take this shit for granted once in a while. We forget, we get busy in our lives. I'm not a kid no more. You know, listen, when you get out of rehab, They tell you to do 90 days in a row of meetings. When I moved to L.A., I did three years in a row of every night. There was no nights off.

There was no tired. You know, first of all, I was driven by the addiction. I had to go on and get the blow. So to get the blow, you've got to go on stage and party and talk to people and have a drink at the store, you know, and mingle. But the work ethic was always there. I'm 51. The energy goes down.

I have a daughter. I have a podcast we do together twice a week. you know, you go on the road, so you forget the little things. But my God, the impact, the, like at first, I was apprehensive. I think I felt at 6 o'clock last night. You think I wanted to take a shower and leave the house at 7, fucking 30, you get on Lancash and go to Universal City? Yeah, I would have never, I would have been a million dollars to say.

I walked up there, my set was shit, but I didn't have no pressure on me. There was maybe 16 people in the audience. I tried different things. And then, after like the first, the second person, I remembered what my job was. And it was to fucking get them going. And I just went into Joey Dia's mode. Oh, that must have been beautiful.

It was just, it's great to do that on an open mic. Yeah. To just let loose and not care and push the envelope. So what does that mean? To get the audience going or the comments? Yeah, as a host, to get everybody going. Okay. And I saw, you know, Adam Hunter was very funny.

He was very funny. He said a few jokes that had me going. There was a couple girls, oh, Mary, she has a podcast, Mary Kennedy from Boston. There was a girl that was pregnant that went up on stage and spoke about giving hand jobs, okay? Now, where are you going to see that? A pregnant chick on stage giving hand jobs. That's where the concept comes from, open mic and train rack. You know, I was telling Lee that most people like to see the Indianapolis 500.

Look at that driver. It was cuts. Some people want to see a fucking car going into a wall. If not, Jackass, wouldn't have been on 18 seasons. and they're still making fucking movies. People like seeing train rides. Yeah. Well, the same thing happens with comedy.

But, and this is where Steve Simone's going to come. It's not true. People that are bad comics or people are learning. You see a lot of emotional train racks. And that's what the sadness comes in. That's what the sadness comes in for about three minutes. Because no matter how bad these people are,

this is their life every week. They don't want to go to Hollywood. They don't want to be in movies. They just want to be able to go up every week. They don't bring nobody to come see them. Yeah. They're probably an accountant. They work in a cubicle.

You ever go to karaoke? No, but I know. You go to karaoke? Yeah. It's really a blast because people like you and me go and they just want to sing Led Zeppelin. Do you sing karaoke? I would go and have, if us three got high. Yeah?

And we'd go up to a bar and put, you'd be surprised. Steve Simone is probably one of the best karaoke. people who are you seeing the way. He'll drop raps on you from 1980. He'll go up there and do Curtis Blow. Basketball. They're playing basketball. You would not believe what it means

to go up there and sing a song beside your shower. I've always been way too self-conscious to go up there. Oh my God. If you're listen, if you want to get on stage and you don't have the ball to draw a comedy, go to karaoke. What do you think? Pummy's going to laugh at you. When you go to a karaoke place,

You see something that you never see in your life unless you're going to open mic to understand it. You'll see the person who's striving to be a professional singer. You'll see people who are singers. You'll see people who have three children, have a husband, have a great home. They're secure in their life. But they wanted to be a singer. But life threw obstacles at them. But this one Tuesday, every month, they get dressed up.

They got a babysitly They put money away They invite their friends out And it's huge to them It's huge to them And when you see those people Lee you want to give them a hug Because they bring back

The simplicity of what we're doing They're doing this for free Yeah We're going out there to try to be somebody They're doing this because they know Where the fuck they stand And then you know the people who go out there That are two days away from shooting somebody

You see those at the store That's 100% true. You know, the reason why we don't know more about it is because I guarantee that somebody said, I'm going to shoot a fucking bingo all. But I'm going to do my bucket list and then come back to this town. They come out here in California. You think I'm kidding you. They'll probably go to the Comedy Store.

We've seen them at the Commie Store. They leave the Bow and Arrow in the car. All right. They go into the store. They do three minutes. They get back in the car. They go to whatever town they're from. They do that last check.

list on the paper, you know, and then they go back and shoot up wherever, but we don't know. They're that crazy. Yeah. Oh, my God. They're that crazy. So you went up there last night and after, like, the third or second, like, person you got really into? I started having a great time. It took me back to Seattle. What was the last open mickey did? Probably the comedy store in 2004. I hosted 2005. I used to host on Sunday night. I used to host on Sunday night.

It's, it's been almost 10 years? Nah, you know, I probably done them in between. Like, I'll go to flappers, we go to the ha-ha. Yeah. But an open mic is different. When you slate open mic, open mic is this completely different thing. Now, you go, okay, I saw an open mic once in New York that had Felicia Michaels, Dave Chappelle, Jay Moore, Nick DePaolo. You know, this is 1994.

Wow. At the comedy, whatever, in Fort Street in Manhattan on the west side, you know, was when Robin Hood Men and Tights was out. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And all these people with Nick De Palma was there. He was probably doing stand-up six or seven years at that time.

Right. He was like, R. He was 10 years ago, you know. He was young. Felicia was young. Jay Moore was a kid, you know? It's amazing. And then I used to go to open mics in Houston where it was, eight to two

Mark Babbit created a monster because he had eight or nine strong features and their job was to every week outdo each other when you have that when you have that that's like a shark tank

everybody's making everybody better when you have that late nine people trying to outdo each other Lee I'm talking to you I'm listening you that high in the vapors cock suck yeah when you're that high when you're that high

when you have that type of and these guys are friends. These guys hung out together. They snorted coke together. They drank together. But there was this inner rivalry between nine comics. And then the headliner in town would stay. So Mitch Hedberg would stay when it was out the show.

Because it was a night of just partying with everybody. There was no pressure. All those jokes you wanted to try, you tried. So it developed this cult following. And every Monday people knew, $2 beers. That sounds awesome. Two dollars to get in. You know, nobody's looking to get rich.

but you're going up to the do work on you and when you you know when you have to get on a plane and go to LAX and fly into a town and get on stage that's one thing they pay you on Sunday but when you do this on a Monday like what you said

you never expect me to do it that's where your real love for comedy comes in what makes a comic do that you still do them you're out how many nights a week six nights a week probably when you call home and they ask you you still do

comedy Steve you go yeah and every night yeah you're making money mom I'm doing okay why are you doing it for right you know why are you doing why are you going out every night for why? I don't even know sometimes that's really the truth I don't know I mean to me it's just home now

it's just that feeling you get to see your buddies you hang out go out and you connect with an audience you feel like I know, it just makes you feel like, it makes me feel like me. Does that make any sense? No, it's just, it's just amazing how I saw all the different levels last night. It took me back because I saw all the different levels. I saw a guy that went up there what I thought was a fucking organ,

but it was some voice machine, you know, and he didn't do well, you know. In reality, nobody did well. except Adam Hunter, or maybe two other guys. But it was amazing towards the end. I would talk to them. I'd say, what's your name, or that Jason, whatever, where you're from, Seattle. You know this guy? Yeah, I know that guy.

All right. This guy's all right. That's cool. And the guy before him was bombing. I saw a kid up there that I did comedy with 15 years ago. He came in and gave me a hug. He's still in the struggle. And I told Lee about this last night.

the phone. Very interesting that he came up to me and he was dying to say listen to my credits are you know comics unleashed and some other show Airwolf or something you know. Yeah.

And I looked at him and I said okay and I have to give him the respect that his credits and that's what he wants but then he came up to me again he got bumped and he came up to me again he goes hey you know my credits right and I go comics unleashed and whatever and I told you that right there I knew that the guy hadn't grown

because when you become a comic you don't even give a few of your credits. You know, because I've seen guys that go up there with a long list of credits and die a lonely fucking debt. It's just a slow fucking debt. And I've seen guys who go up there that got no credits and have sizzled the room

that the fucking microphone court is on fire as they walk out. So I know because of the way he sold his credits to me that he wanted to let me know, hey, by the way, I was on comics, Leas Which

You and me guys I would never even let people know I was on that show The night my episode were there I would try to blow up the fucking TV station so nobody would see

the goddamn thing Comics on least Get the fuck out of here I sit there And they lead you into a bit So tell us about you And flying I'm on a studio

on NBC On the afternoon I'm gonna talk about flying On Wednesday What the fuck is wrong with you? It's the anti-podcast It's the anti-podcast It's the anti-pod

It's the answer to everything. And you're having a hotel room and you're stuck on it like a one in the morning because one of your friends is on. Coming up next. And they'll show like, you know, I want to be the president.

They show all this shit. It's a fucking nightmare. It's worse the morning radio. It really is. So if you're a comic and you ever get comics on the least, don't tell nobody. Keep it to yourself.

Don't even put on your fucking resume because you're being shocked. Anyway, that's what really got me. You see the people who wrote jokes. I see the people who working in an office and they're trying to bust loose and they're talented but they're still on that little phase where they invite their friends from work they need that like safety net that shit

that shit drives me fucking crazy I saw people who were very confident you know I saw guys that went up there and fucked around it reminded me a lot of me yeah and the back of their mind the comics uh like you so you went up there and fucked around and thought it was cute and got nowhere It just gave me a bird's eye view of 16 fucking comics. And the different things you're going through at that point in your life as a comedian. Yeah, you know what it reminds me of as you're telling me this story? You remember in Rocky 3 when Apollo brings Rocky back to his gym? And he goes, you had that look when you fought me, the eye of the tiger.

And there's something about being around that young comedian energy. That's the other thing. It makes you go, okay. And it makes me count my blessings. Because I remember I used to have anxiety sometimes before open mics, because it meant so much to me. really does. Like words like if I felt like when I was a young comic I felt like if I bombed, I didn't realize that was part of it. It's a guarantee to bomb at most open mics. But I used to put this pressure on myself or if I didn't kill it and meant I was wasting my life instead of learning.

Where I'd go, you know what? Maybe I should just fucking move back to Philly and sell bananas off the back of a truck. Like maybe I'm kidding myself. You're talking about how bad it felt. You're parking, right? It's a bomb at an open mic. people good parking here right I love it I love it we were talking about how you felt it was everything like I uh last night obviously I went home I made some coffee I hit the vapor pen I ate the other half of the fucking cookie I woke up fucking high this morning I had to do like a shower a cup of coffee a few jumping jacks had a stretch dog it was fucking my I was horrible but I was

thinking about my struggle yeah because that's what it went back to I was thinking about and then the frustration you go through people have no idea that it involved in all that there's a frustration Oh yeah Even if you have money Even if you're making money in your job

Because you want your dream to move faster Yeah once you've tried it The problem with comedy It's like everything else You know I go to Jiu Jitsu And because I got into Jiu Jitsu at the age of 50 I get it That no matter how many times I go a week

and no matter how many jumping jacks I do, it's time. Yeah. If I want to be a blackout, I could probably be a blackbird in five fucking years, but who's got the time? That's five nights a week I've got to go down there, and I got to do jumping jacks and shit of 51. I know that whether I put five years in or 15 years in. It's a journey.

Yeah. It's a journey. And like I was telling Steve, at the end of the day, they're going to come to you and go, Steve, what's your greatest memory of comedy? It was, you know, opening up for Sinatra in the garden. That was a great memory. memory, but what you're going to take with you is the journey when me, you and Lee, you know,

picked each other up with a centra with no air conditioning and with two CDs, Def Leopard, high and drive and Kiss Live again, and we'd have to drive eight hours. And you'd have 11 bucks, you'd have 15, and I'd have eight. But I was the headline. I got the hotel room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So all three of us, you understand me? You don't know what that's like.

And at the end of the night, all three of us are sitting in the hotel room. I bond, Steve killed, you drove, you did 10-minute guest set, you did great. But we're sitting in the hotel room eating pizza from pizza pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah, little seeds, there's five bucks. And let me tell you something. At that point in your life, you're like Elvis. It's the best thing ever. You're Elvis.

You did it. What I'm telling you to move your feet because they smell or go in the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your feet away from the pizza glee. You remember that for the rest of your life. You'll go, Jesus Christ, that's what you think of. When you receive that Oscar for the best supporting role, you're not going to think about the set and how the acting coach came over.

You're going to fucking walk off then go, Jesus Christ, that night, when me and Lee chipped in for a pizza and they sent Reds dressing with breadsticks, and he was going to kill Lee. Just the smell. But Lee gave me that joke about the hooker. Lee gave me that tag. You know, a little friendship tag that made The Tonight Show put me on. Yep.

You understand me, bro. That's the shit you remember. At least that's what I think. I agree. I remember one night. It was a Tuesday night in the middle of the summer. It was me, R.E., Renazizi, maybe Ramos, Jason Lucas. We're all hanging out at the store like 10, 11, 12 years ago.

And that's when Dice was hanging out all the time. And somebody was complaining or whatever. We're all door guys. And I remember Dice looking at us and he goes If you're not having fun now Get out He goes because this is as good as it is He goes these are the best years of your career

He goes trust me you're gonna look back after you make it And there's gonna be all this pressure on you And you're gonna go when I was getting started That's when it was at its best Well what keeps you guys going Because if you if you bomb every week At the one spot you get Like what makes you like

How do you stick with it for 10 years This is psychology to stay with it And it's that eventually you start seeing every day as a battle. Every day as a battle. Sunday I went to the open mat at Jiu-Jitsu. I went to the 1 o'clock open roll at Jiu-Jitsu. And as much as I didn't want to go, it was the Lord's Day. I had my wife at the house with the baby.

I have six days a week to do whatever the fuck I want. That's the day I got to go pick and roll around with men. I went and I had a good day of Jiu-Jitsu. I'm planning on going to Jiu-Jitsu tonight. I guarantee tonight I get my ass kicked. I can't breathe. I hurt my toe. After a while, comedy teaches you a certain patience that, you know what, I bombed tonight.

But that was tonight. That's it. I'm going to go home. I'm going to make a salami sandwich with one piece of bread. I got some iced tea. And I got $3. I'll wake up. I got $3.

I'll eat the salami. And I got three channels. I'll watch Letterman. I mean, you learn to survive. And you know that you're going to wake up, and tomorrow night, you're going to do the 7 o'clock at the Haha, the 830 at the club Lugini, and then you've got 1130 at the store, and you're going to have a better night. Yeah. Wow. I mean, maybe that's why I'm not, but it's like, I don't know.

I don't know if I had to go through the same thing with podcasting or with editing. I don't know if I would have that sort of mentality, especially when you're like I could go work at State Farm. and make 60,000 a year. I mean, I mean, it must not be for everyone. You must have seen. How many people have you seen come and go? Come and go.

But it's not about, listen, man, you go to college, you make this, you have this dream to go to college, and all of a sudden you end up in this fucking office. And you wear a bow tie, and you got to answer. And they give you paperwork every day, and you have office rules. Yeah. You can't curse.

You can't throw garbage on the floor. And now one day you're 30. You've been in the workforce for five fucking years. Yep. And every weekend, you end up at the comedy store. Or you end up at Club Babaloo for Spanish music. Or you end up at the Roxy for heavy metal. Okay?

You've been smart. You put $10,000 in your 401K. You put some money away. You got a new car. You know, you got a debt. You know, man, that's got to be frustrating. So one day you start thinking about your dream. Yep.

One day you start thinking about your dream. Maybe it's not the arts. Maybe it's drawing pictures. Maybe it's Lee and you have this dream. And at first you don't tell nobody. Right. Because God forbid somebody laugh at you or giggle at you, but you pursue it, man. You get involved.

And that's it. And you have this dream. And then all of a sudden that dream becomes a belief. Yep. Once you get some type of affirmation, you win a contest, you come in third. Yep. You know, I don't, you know, you send your book in for a book contest, and they put your name on the web page. Yeah.

And now you have this certain belief. And you don't tell, you know, maybe you tell your family, maybe you tell you what. Just a dream and a belief. It's such a fucking close. It's amazing. It really is amazing. It's amazing how that affirmation. can come. Like it could just be somebody

like for me, I remember sitting in a cubicle and somebody once looking at me going, you know what? You should do comedy. And then the bell goes off and I'm going, I thought that too. It's just how we can encourage everybody along the process, along the path. Because there's nothing worse than that feeling when you're a young guy and you're going, there's got to be more to life than this.

It's a fucking nightmare, man, man. I mean, I just went through it. What would you do right now if you were still doing what you were doing a year ago? Tell me the truth. With no podcast. Honestly, if we hadn't meant, I would have left after my first lease was up, I think. I was so unhappy at my first job. And they were nice to me.

They kept me on, because for TV shows, they end during a break from this show as the summer. I was pretending to be not be on the internet all day. And then when she had stuff for me to do, I had to take a kitchen knife and goo-gone and scrape old labels off of camera boxes that didn't need to be done. or build furniture. I was paying, I was losing money every month to pay student loans with a college degree, scraping labels off of a thing in the break room and told not to look. The doctor from Scrubs, the mean guy, whatever, Dr. Cox, came in one day to do voiceover.

My boss looked at me and said, don't look at them and don't look at me in the eyes. Dear God. I had to do this every day. So I wouldn't if we hadn't started doing the Mad Flavors Bowl videos I would have been gone after the first year It really is weird when you are young and you get into this job that you had your dream set on Yeah, and also this job becomes Fucking boring It doesn't become boring

It becomes like a dead end and you look at it for what it is That at the age of 30 after you've worked five years and you've paid your student loans You still got another 25 years of fucking work before you see an end time Yeah, that's a terrible feeling. And now you're engaged and and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon. But you know man, I have

like that chick that was pregnant last night that went on stage at eight months at eight months my wife was on the fucking couch purple going I can't wait for this fucking kid to come out of me you know. So to see a woman, little things like that to see people really trying to see

people looking at notes and scratching them when they got off stage. I saw the people that went up to that You know, it was just very Fucking, I had a great day yesterday All together That's awesome I had an epiphany yesterday

I had to run around I had to go to knee doctor I had to do an MRI on my knee now The 19th Something happened yesterday Guys that fucked me up Fucked me up Man

So I got back to the house My wife I could see she was Fiji I go, do me a favor. If you got to run in there, and run in there. Let me take Mercy.

Mercy's going to nap anyway. Let me take her. We'll watch this. She'll nap with me. My wife was not to do it 10 minutes. Mercy fucking dropped. Wally Kazam comes on at 1. That's it.

I put it down. I know I got two hours to burn. So at first I'm on the computer and I messed around. I said, you know what? I don't want to sit in the computer. Let me sit close but I could hear it. So I'm in the living room

and I put the TV on. and I started scrolling down the TV and guys this was just fucked up thief was on one of my all time James Khan James Khan Tuesday

Welle Willie Nelson Jim Balushi just a masterpiece of a of a film and it's on he's at the beach with his wife they just broke the biggest safe of their life

and now it's time to collect And he goes back to the guy's house and he walks in. What's happening, brother? What's happening? You ever see this, Lee? No. And he walks in and they give him an envelope, a huge manila envelope. And everybody's giggling. He looks in it and you see his face go from laughter to this solid look and he goes through it.

He goes, what's this? The guy goes, that's your end from the heist. And he goes, I count 80, 90,000. I'm supposed to pick up 900,000. Where's my mom? He goes, we put it in with the Davenport in Iowa, and he goes, I don't know if you understand me. I'm fucking done.

I'm out. Today's paid day, you know. And they're like goofing with him. And then anyway, I'm watching all this. And he goes back to the house and they kill Jim Belushi. He goes to see Jim Belushi after that situation. And they take him and they kill Jim Belushi in front of him. And they throw him in a tub of acid.

And while he's laying on his back, they tell him, you know, listen, we gave you your wife, your kid, we own your house, we own the paper on your life, we'll have your wife out on the street getting fucked in the ass by niggers and Puerto Ricans. I mean, they just traumatized James Kahn. James Kahn, and they go get up, go get cleaned up, and get ready to go to work from me.

You're going to work till you die, go to prison, or you're burnt out. And he gets up, and he goes back, and he wakes up Tuesday well. He gives us $600,000, and he throws her out with his kid. And he gets fucking two guns. He puts on a bulletproof vest. And he goes to work. And he goes to the guy's house. He breaks in and shoots the fucking bodyguard.

He shoots the crime boss. He shoots Dennis Farina. He gets shot. He goes outside. It is just a fucking tremendous film. When he walks out of that house, just every aspect is involved. Love, decisiveness. When he comes out, he shoots Farina.

It's a Michael Man film, 1981. nobody knows this you could tell about the lights there's a lot of lighting in the movie there's a beautiful use car lot he takes the gun he shoots the guy and he takes the clip that had never been done Miami Vice did that year yeah that was all fucking Michael man nobody had done that nobody had ever fucking took a gun and then he puts another clip in there that's why Crocket used the alligator in compartment with two compartments because that was always this key he always reloaded his gun on television Nobody had ever done that.

You're going, Joey, where the fuck are you going with this? I'm going to tell where I'm going with this. In 1981, I was a kid that was lost. I was very vulnerable. You ever see a Harry Christmas? Yeah. And you go, how did that fucking happen? Well, this is how this happened.

You're vulnerable, you're young, you're lost. Yeah. I'm watching TV one night. The raging bull is on. October of 81, the lineup on HBO was very bleak. it wasn't HBO Latino HBO comedy HBO 1, 2, 3

There was HBO That's it And they had six movies They didn't have original programming then They just did movies One of the movies they had constantly Was The Raging Bull And Thief and Hollywood nights

I've discussed this a thousand times So every night I was in high school I was lost I was living with the runnies I was doing drugs You know I was At that time I was stealing I was a chump thief.

I was stealing plywood from construction sites. I was making a living doing that shit, which was still $1,000 a week when you're 16. Wow. But I was just a chump. I was breaking into construction sites, different things like that, businesses, nothing heavy.

And then I saw the thief. I saw the lingo. And these are all the things that I wanted to see. It's like the first time I saw the DICE special. Yeah. I was angry for three days. because in my heart, Dice had robbed everything that he was saying from me. Everything James Kahn was saying in those words in that movie had gone into my head.

I was convinced after three months, that's who I wanted to be. That lifestyle is shooting and getting shot and having friends. Brother, let me tell you some. I sat there last night yesterday and cried. I cried in that chair for probably 10 minutes because that's how sad of a condition. I lost you are. it made me realize where I'd come and what had happened to me, a movie.

So, like, let's say it was 1881, and you were sitting down watching that, and somehow someone told you, in 2014, you'd be sitting with your year and a half old baby in the next room and your wife's out at Target getting groceries, and you would be a national touring comedian. Like, what would you have done? Not even close.

I would have laughed at you and said, you're so far wrong. I'm gonna end up deadlight this guy and that's what I wanted but here's the difference it wasn't it wasn't a fantasy that's what I wanted at that time I wanted to be a highline fucking pre-a Highline thief High Line you know I remember trying to rob a jewelry store I robbed the jewelry store but I robbed it old school I you know ran out with a piece that's that's not that's a thief let me tell you some guys you know I don't know if you guys know this or if Steve Simone knows this or Lee knows the man

to this, but I'll say this. There's times I'm walking around Lee's house or my own house, and I get flashbacks of being a thief. The lowest thing you could be in your life is a thief, and that's what I became, because I became a thief that wanted to people's homes. Do you understand me? You people at home understand. I was one of those people who crawled into your fucking window, and I actually took your VCR, and I actually took your change, and I actually took your, your gold and then I took cash if there was there. I didn't do it because I wanted to. I did it because I was serving an apprenticeship in my mind.

Yeah. You know, then I went on to people with gold and cocaine. Then I didn't like that anymore. I only robbed VCRs twice. Right. You know, it was the first time, was across the street from where I live with the runnies. We robbed the house like three or four times.

We robbed the house so many times a guy that had it lasered. Like in 1982, the guy was a wrecked. executive he had to get the house laser like with the lines like the pink pan oh my gosh irasol because we kept I figured out a way how to get into his house

you know people when people talk about turnarounds I realized it yesterday people always tell me on emails I turn my life around and I giggle I didn't realize it until yesterday I didn't turn my life around I turned my mind around yeah I didn't turn my life around

it made me thank that open mic a lot more last night yes Do you understand why my day yesterday was an epiphany? Because I felt bad when I left the house about that movie, about what I really wanted out of this fucking beautiful life. Yeah. Lee, this is what I wanted. You might have been stuck.

You might have not been happy. But you didn't want what I wanted at that time. So what happened that you didn't become like a full-flood sleeve? I have no idea It's the grace of God I hate to interject that But that's what it is I wanted to go to jail

I mean the guy's story was simple You know that poster behind me At the office with all the The mixings Yeah If you look at the thief If you watch the thief In his wallet

That's what he had He had done that in prison And it was going to be his life And he showed bodies being dead He showed children He showed money A wife and a life But he always knew that that possibility would always be there

Because he always knew what he was He was a fucking thief There's a powerful scene in that movie also See I got a lot of bad things from that movie Yeah, but I also got a lot of good things from that movie I also learned to tell the truth From that movie Because there's a line where he goes to Willie Nelson in jail

He goes to Vislin and he goes, hey man, I met this woman And she doesn't know what I do Should I tell her what I do? And he looks at him, Willie Nelson, never acted in his life until this movie. It is brilliant. He looks on me. He goes, lie to no one. If there's somebody close to you, you're going to ruin it with a lie.

And if they're not, who the fuck of it are you got to lie? Oh, my God. It just, it just, it just, it just. What would you do to sniff her ass, holy? What would you do if I went over and offered a half of yard and said, Lee just wants to sniff your asshole one time. That woman had legs that were taller than me. I know.

Tremendous. We're here at the coffee shop, ladies and gentlemen. Sorry to interject, but sometimes you got to improvise. You got to go off the cuff. You know what I'm saying? This ain't all about ha-haz and he's. There's nothing structured here. But it's very sadly.

Lee, I'm fucking sad again from thinking that that's what I wanted my life to be. I wanted to carry a gun. I wanted to be a thief. And I didn't want to keep robbing people. Right. Like, I only robbed that level. of thief and like twice and then I moved on to businesses and drug dealers. But still I when I got into drug dealers I still walked into their home,

which till years later I never realized how much of a human violation that is. You know when I leave my room sometimes I look at my room and I go I can't imagine somebody coming in my room going through my shit looking for money or drugs. Yeah. And I was a neat burglar. I wouldn't mess things up like in the movies. I want you to come home and not even know. somebody was in there. I knew where everything was to the inch. I'm that much of a professional. I'm not proud of it, but that's sometimes God gives you weird gifts, man. So what, so in 81

you wanted to be a thief? Like, what year did he no longer want that to be your life? What you want and what you are is two different things. So, wow. I didn't want to be a thief, but I actually thought that's all I would amount to. Okay. That's, I had a belief, that actually thought that that's all that I would mount it. So when you have that, so in a way, you know, I don't know, it was me doing my confirmation at 31. I don't know if it was, I think that comedy saved my life. And last night, being at that open mic made me realize that no matter how bad those times were when I was at that open mic, deep down inside, today I know how good at times they were.

Yeah. So if you're a comic and you're in an open mic and you and your wife are breaking up or you're losing your job, you know, man, you're not going to know the outcome unless you stick it the fuck out. That's a persistence. It really all came through for me last night. You know. What a blessing. It really was last night.

I felt bad when I left out. I didn't even tell my wife this about the thief because I didn't think she'd understand. I didn't think she understand, but I know that I get a lot of emails from people. and they talk about, you know, they need to change or they want to change. And yesterday I realized that I didn't change my life. I had to change my mind. So. It all starts with belief. Yeah, and now I think I still am a thief, but I'm like a comedy-type thief.

Like I use this to promote comedy or I don't steal jokes. You know, I'm just saying that it's, you learn so many fucking things, man. You really do. crazy. It's amazing what hope can do for somebody. You know, it's like you feel trapped and then somehow, somewhere you get a little bit of hope and that's what changes your beliefs.

You know? I remember being 95, 94 and having 30 minutes or what I thought was 30 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like thinking, when is it tonight show going to call, you know?

Yes. And being frustrated. Like going to work. Like, I worked at National Rent a car. for a while. I had a good friend that loved me, a white dude. I forget what his name was. And he just believed in me. So he would give me money to pass off flies. He was a personal trainer. And he'd give me money. And he was a manager and national runner car. So the guy used to give me cars on the cuff. He'd go go to work today, bring the car back Friday by 6 a.m. He doped the mileage up from me. So he made sure I had a car.

And he took care of you. He took care of me as long as I came in on time, washed the cars. swept a lot. I did all that stuff from, and it was just a blessing along the way. I remember having to ride my bike there at 6.30 going, oh, fuck, I would leave the bike there and steal a car, then bring it back the next day. And I had to split the job with another guy. There was another college student there, so I got 20 hours, and he got 20 hours. I think I got like $160. You know how happy I was to go pick up those $160? I used to be fucking starving. I had a, there was a restaurant.

The kids got busted for getting steroids sent to them from Germany. Hysterical. But they owned a sub shop in Boulder. It was four kids, and the place was popular. They had great food. Like, it was great for Boulder. It was real food. Yeah.

They actually deep-fried chicken cutlets with the vein in it. Like, you'd bite into it and there'd be a vein of chicken color. But they claimed the fame was that one day during the lunch crowd, two of the guys got into a tremendous fist fight. The deli zone in Boulder. It was owned by four guys. Jake Gile, I forget the other three guys, but one guy was a chubby guy that lifted weights

and got steroids sent to him from Germany for the sandwich shop. That was in the paper, but nothing made more racket that when two guys got into a fistfight during lunch time behind the counter, throw down, fucking blazers went down, soup, sauces went down, they had to call timeout, everybody had to leave. The cops came. Fucking brilliant.

After that, the place would be. be packed every day. That was like a commercial for them? It was like a commercial for them. One guy ended up in the hospital with three stitches, the city of Boulder, the one of the press of salt. So all this talk in the paper got them so much free publicity. You couldn't even get a sandwich no.

That's hysterical. That's hysterical. He's all the things you remember. You too. You used to always have a place around here. He used to have a pizza place by the company store. Yeah, I worked at like two or three pizza places out here. He knows how to eat.

That's it. I knew if I had a job. He talks an hour and three slices a day. I'm good to go. After that, and all the Diet Coke you can drink on ice cubes. It's true. And then what they were, the place down the street from the store used to let me bring home all the pies. And I knew I wasn't the only one starving.

So even if I didn't, I didn't get a spot at this store for eight years that wasn't open mic. But it was still my home base. So what I would do is I would leave the pizza place and then I'd have like four or five cold, pizzas, I throw them in the oven and feed everybody at the store. And I felt like Santa Claus. Coming by the comedy store with pizza, I was everybody's best friends. Let me ask you something. Both of you guys. Fuck nuts. Was there ever a movie that fucked you up a little bit that...

I was trying to think about that after you told the thief. Do you have one, Steve? I don't know. Nothing that just fit what your realm was. Like when I watch Man on Fire and I watch that character. It scares me because I could have done that. I could have put a grenade of somebody's ass and watched them die for the right reasons. You understand me? Once you know that going in, you know, when I watch those type of movies, it's not a, it's not a fantasy for me. I know that, not to that extent, but I know there's people out there think that way. Yeah. You know, when some people watch that, they get disturbed because they can't believe, you know, it's like last

week with the Donald Sterling. I can't believe he would make those remarks. Why would it shot? You know, that's how 60% of people are. You know, if your first thought really, if everybody know your first thought every time you did something, they'd be fucking dead. Horrified, yeah. The same thing happens with movies or whatever. I didn't know that movie impacted me that much until yesterday. I did not know that. I mean, listen, easy money. Fucked my world up. Love that movie. Because I knew I had a shot. Yeah. I knew I had a shot. I wasn't Eddie Murphy and I wasn't Andrew Dice Clay and I wasn't Jerry Lewis and I wasn't Sinatra. But when I first saw Rodney Dangerfield and Joe Pesci, I knew I had a shot. Yeah. I knew that, you know, there was no Wikipedia. I didn't need to know Wikipedia when I saw that, when I saw Rodney Dangerfield. I have that biography on my DVR where he was a fucking salesman and kept writing jokes.

But I knew the struggle he went through and I knew if he could do it, a guy that's a guy that, that looked like that. I knew, you know, when I seen Joe Pesci with that wig and easy money, I knew I would be an extra. You know what? I might not ever get to be in a movie.

But I know that if I fucking, I'm walking by a set and they see me and they're doing a pizza parlor, they might put me the fuck in there, you know? Right. Yeah, I don't think I have one. I mean, I love, I have a whole bunch of movies that I loved,

but I can't think of one that's, like, impacted me that much. What's your favorite movie? It's hard. It used to be man on fire. I don't have an answer to that. Now you're a very nice person. You would never think of revenge.

Why does man, why did you like man on fire? Denzel. I don't know if it came out. I was in high school. Me and my best friend would watch it every week. And it's just, it was before Denzel got typecast into the older guy teaching the young guy. and he was shooting. But I just loved...

I loved actually, I loved the directing and editing in that movie, just the style. Like, every director kind of has a style, and I forget his name. His brother just passed away. A couple... What's the name of the guy who directed? Scott?

Yeah. That was really... That one? I think so. But just the way the slow motions and the fast motions. But just... There's no one more badass than Danzel in that movie. He was great.

At least for me, because I get made fun of, but I just, I was young, so I hadn't seen the godfather yet. I'll tell you what movie, if you like, those type of movies. It's a slow movie, but at the end, I want you to think about it, and that's Death Wish. Charles Bronson and Death Wish. Okay. You never saw it? Is it the one where he boxes?

No. That's hard times. This is when he becomes a vigilance. in New York because somebody rapes his wife and kills his daughter the other way around. And he goes to Arizona for an architectural trip and an Arizona weapons illegal. So he starts shooting and then the guy puts a gun in the suitcase on the way home. And he says, fuck it, I'm going to start walking the streets, shooting motherfuckers. And it's such a strong.

Let me tell you some death wish to and all that shit. That just became something that was just dumb. the fucking first death wish is our generation's man on fire like that was my generation's man on fire okay with set you know uh it's really weird how we have vin diesel now right yeah maybe denzil you know i had i had him i had clean eastwood you know i remember if you really want to have a great afternoon if you ever have 10 hours fuck sports and football you have 10 hours that you could just turn off the phone And you could get a tray of pasta, pork fried rice, three joints, cigarettes, a cigar, lemonade.

Egg rolls. Egg rolls. And just put them all at your feet. And you watch, like, the good, the bad and the ugly, a few dollars more and a fistful of dollars, your mind will blow up. You will really take a different appreciation for film, especially in that bad guy genre. If you really have time, you know, once upon a time, and not once upon a time, America. That's the one I referred for you. About the Jews. I'm talking about the

other one. Once upon a time in the West is also a great movie. There's a lot of those great movies, but they're just long-winded. You know, I like that genre film, that Man on Fire. I thought Man on Fire was brilliant. It was great. I really did. I liked the casting.

I can't believe this turning into a movie podcast. Where's Ricky Ramos? Where's Ricky Ramos? But no, no, it's just amazing how sometimes people say that Hollywood or a film doesn't impact you by watching it. It really does. I didn't know that I was that vulnerable at that age. So next time you see a fucking Harry Christian jumping around and he's 18, maybe...

Back to Harry Christian. Yeah, that's why. That's why. People get lost. You're looking for something. And I realize how lost I was that I wanted to be a fucking... A Spangazi, whatever the fuck he was in that movie. But he was a thief and his attitude. But it also should, but I'll tell you what it did show me, that movie.

This was the one quality that I stuck to it. In closing, it taught me to be very decisive. In that movie, he had to make decisions. And first of all, he went against his belief when he joined up with the guys. So the minute, he knew he got fucked up. That's why I tell people, you know, you're bad. believe in something, you believe in something. I got a call last week for a Spanish audition. And I said, maybe I'll go in on Monday. And then they attacked me. Okay, you. They sent

there was too much. Yeah. And I called back and I go, you know what? I have a rule and I'm going to stick to it. And the guy goes, why? And I explained to him. And two days later, he sent me an email. He goes, thank you for your honesty. And the casting director appreciated your honesty. Yeah. So my honesty prevailed. You understand me? I'd rather just go in there and waste that time and make believe I could do something I can't. Exactly. There's a scene in that when he comes home and he throws her out

and she's talking to him. She's like, what are you saying? Because he wakes her up at 4 in the morning. The scene is he's looking in the mirror and he's bleeding from his head. And he takes a breath and he turns the water off and he takes the towel off and slams it down.

He turns the line and he goes, wake up. And he starts walking, putting boxes of money in front of her. And she goes, what's going on? He goes, You're going on a trip. Joseph will be driving you. At the end of the first month, you're going to pay him $20,000.

At the end of the second month, you're going to pay him $20,000. And he just becomes a machine. He got burnt. That's it. It's over. Now he knows what he needs to do. And this is his plan. And he ain't stopping.

And it's in steps. First, I'm doing this. He was a precise killer. He knew exactly how it was going to go down. That's what I respected. That he was precise. That precision taught me to be a comic. It took this podcast where it needs to be the last three years

because it teaches you where you need to go. This is the things I need to do. When I came to this town, people were coming to this town and they'll say to you, hey, on Friday night, I'm having this party. You have a decision to make. You go to that party and then on Monday cry, how nobody gives you love, or you could do that spot at the store. It takes a lot of discipline to do that.

Yeah. Yesterday I was home. The baby fell asleep. My wife came back from Gelson's. I already had my warm-up clothes on, my gym clothes on. Yeah. She goes, where are you going? I'm going to the gym.

She goes, why are you going to the gym? The doctor said your knee, I know, but I still got to take care of it. I went down and I did 20 minutes. I walked for 35 minutes. Then I went on and hit the bag. I did that fucking epileptical for 30 minutes. Yeah. I'm 51.

I went over and I did it. I stuck to it. When he threw that woman out, these are all decisions. When he cut something off, he cut it off clean. I stopped doing that. dope seven years ago. Stop doing the blow. I don't dabble in it. I don't fuck around with people.

That's what the word means. To decide means to cut off. It means to cut off. You know, when I stop talking to something, I stop talking to somebody. When you have to do something, you do it. You do it and you get it to fuck over with. And that's what else that movie taught me with. So, I don't want you guys to say, Joey, you're in a fantasy land,

you know, fucking you wanted to shoot people and steal and all that shit. That's what I got to say. How about you? You know, I didn't have to say I'm pretty high. From the vapor hits. You should don't want to do a vapor hit and talk about Satan? No. No.

Sain and what he means to the church? No. Let me give some shout out of these cock suckers here. To Ted Snate, I love you. Joey Rookland. Looking good, you're sexy bitch. Jerry Varela and Jessica Nye. I love you, people.

I also want to talk about my fucking tremendous sponsors on it. Yesterday, I went over to the fucking Y, and I took the Shroom Tech Sport. Again, 35 minutes on the epileptical. And between me and you, because of my laziness and because of my time schedule, I could have probably done another 15 minutes. So the Shroom Tech Sport works along with all their other products. If you have any questions or any doubt, go to honor dot com. Better yet, go to joey-deers.com. Go to yonet box if you want to order something.

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you're going to get that alpha brain. You're going to fucking be doing jumping jacks. You're going to stick to your fucking plan. And that's what it means to be an alpha and to have a brain. Stick into your plan, cock sucker. Beside that Dollar Shave Club, keeping America fucking shaving.

Why walk around looking like Vidal Castro? Be a fucking American. Represent. Cock sucker. Shave. Be nice. Shave your nutsack, shave your muffler. They got one wipe charlie's.

They smell like peppermint. Why have your asshole smell like an asshole? When it can smell like a peppermint stick. You understand me? That's right. See? They also have a shave butter. I think she does.

Dollar Shave Club is a tremendous fucking deal. I'm saving you tons of Getus. And that's what it's all about at the end of the year. It's saving you fucking G-E-E-T-U-S. That's what G-E-T-U-S. That's what G-E-D-Same. So for $1 a month, I'll send you a fourth. fucking blades with two fucking blades on them and the stick and you're shaving every month at the

beginning of the month you get four fucking more blades we get two blades with you get four blades with you get four blades with two fucking blades on them no you get the single blade for a dollar if you want to get two blades that's going to cost you six bucks if you want to get the two blades with the alo strip that's nine dollars a month we send you one blade a week who's better than dollar shave club let's say you know joey i don't grow that much beard i shave my back once a month Okay, then do this. Tell us, and we'll send the braces to you on a delayed reaction. It's like I hit a badass acid.

You get them for you every two weeks and you spread it out. But it's $6 a month, $9 a month, or $1 a month. You can't go wrong. If you go with a $6 plan, that's $72 a year, correct? That's correct. Who's better than you? $72? You take care of your face, and that includes shipping,

and it comes right to your fucking door. You don't have to wait for this fucking truck driver to drop it off, or you don't have to go to a pharmacy, you have to go to a liquor store and put it on the arm, and pay for it with WIC. Who needs aggravation? Then the WIC people find that. You're not spending it on milk and cheese, but you're buying razors.

You understand me? Dollar Shave Club. Also, like I told you in the beginning of the show, naturebox.com, all I can do with these people say they get better and better and better. They've got great deals. They've got a summer clearance. They got select snacks. They got an 800 number.

They've just, they got a spring fucking sale. Go over there. They'll take care of you. It's just a great bargain. You go to joeydeers.net and go to the naturesbox.com box and pressing, Joey. You get 10% or you get 50% off your first order. 50 fucking percent.

50 fucking percent. Even Jews are flocking for that fucking order with those numbers. You understand me? 50%. After that, you order what you want. They got tremendous pistachios. They got tremendous sesame seed sticks. They got a black and white granola.

I fucking finished mine. I got to order more. I got one bag of that stuff left. That's how much I go through it. I don't fuck around people. It's a nice little stack. It's nutritionless to prove and you can't fucking lose.

Go to naturebox.com, go look at their page, go see what they got to offer, then go to Joeydeas.net. They got to NatureBoxcom pressing... Joey. Joey, J-O-E-Y,

and you get 50% off your first order, and I'm telling you what? You're going to send me an email and go, Joey, when I say you, I'm going to suck your dick from the energy I got from the snacks. I'm all energetic from the pistachios and shit. And the dollar shave club code is church.

And the dollar shave club is church. Also, I want to give a shout out to my Cuban brothers, Nailed It Life, inventing vapor pens, selling Gumi Bears. Go to NailedatLife.com, take a look at their vaping pens. Order it. Mention Joey Diaz. You get 10% off. The pens are a half, 20% off.

That means the pens are 50, you get them for 40. You're saying, Joey, how can you do this? This is how I do this. I know people. So I get your deal on shaving. I get your deal on snacks. And I get your deal on vapors so you could snort. reef and do whatever the fuck you do.

Also on honest, you can take care of yourself. That's the kind of uncle I am. Most uncles want to finger-bang you when it's dark. Or take it to the movies. Not me. Not me. I want to take care of you. I want you to be healthy. Most uncles. And there's nobody around me, you know what I'm saying? Your people are looking at me. There's a cop behind me.

You're making me all fucking nervous. I want to talk to you people about something. That's real interesting. What's interesting? I was thinking about this thief thing yesterday. And I always thought about this. So in 1985, I go to Boulder. Keep someone, you quiet today. I'm listening.

I'm learning. All right, well, I don't want to be rude. I like to listen. Henry, what's the matter? You don't talk too much. I'm listening. You like that fucking dude. He sits there.

I cheat on my wife. It's much funnier in Italian. These two fucking beauties coming out of us. I was waiting at these two fucking beauties. For like five minutes. I'm like, where did you going to say something? I know. Look at that.

Look at this. Look at the fucking bazooka right there. What do you mean? If I had a grenade right now. It's a sin. It's a sin. If you got a grenade right now, how many seconds would take it before you close your eyes? It's just terrible.

Frewing fucking back. Look at this little girl right here. This little cute. Look at you. She's a fucking savage. That's trouble right there. That's skinny little ankles and shit. A little pussy smells like Diet Pastrami.

It smells like Pistrami light, a little monkey. You got to see this girl. She's looking at all business. She's done. dying, this sucker cock. I got another one over here, thinks she's fucking Kennedy's wife after he got shot. Look at it. With the sunglasses.

Oh, Jesus. Jackie O'clock. Yeah, with glasses. Get the fuck out of here. Anyway, in 85, guys. I'm living in Boulder. I think we made the girl move away from us. She wanted to sit in the sun. She had no choice. She had to go.

Primo, how's ta? See, we're talking to the wait, staff. Everybody's a love here. All everybody, Primo. This is a good fucking coffee shop. Marie E.T. Marie ETC on Riverside and Kofax So he's with a real Pins

Why are you telling them the location of our Secret Lair? Because we got a new office I don't give a fuck You can sit here to the ass grows roots You'll never find my new secret layer, my new back cave and shit Back to the lab

We're getting a box of edible scent in there Lee Every time you walk in there's like going to church Without confession you're eating an edible You understand? You gotta get that couch delivered soon The couch is coming soon Yeah yeah

We're gonna get your couch and you're going to look at the flat screen TV You're going to figure out how to connect into the board so we can show videos on no more fucking around, Lee, you're slipping. I've been telling you about this for three weeks. You go to Boston, you're on the hammock lad. You should have seen it. He was taking pictures in Boston

last week. He was at the country club with mom spending hundreds. They don't let Jews go to country clubs in a lot. No, that's even, you're at the Jew country club. You got to have fucking money. I forgot you're from the fucking Connecticut Syats. This motherfucker is part of the Connecticut Syatt.

The Connecticut Syatt. They got Connecticut Syatt. But the Boston ones, they're still worth 100 million. The Connecticut Syatt's are worth billions. They're like fucking Donald Sterling. The little Lee Syatt's this motherfucker's they worth a hundred mil. He walks around with a little fucked up

t-shirt. If I was worth a hundred million, you would never see me again, ever. You would be in that bedroom and you would take shits in a cup. I guarantee you, wipe your ass. Why would I do it? Because you're a filthy fuck. You don't want to move. If you were that rich, if you had a hundred billion,

I guarantee you to have a black woman come over and wipe your asshole. One of those Haitian ones. They come over, they wipe your ass, they rub your feet. I'll go to the bathroom. No, you won't. Listen, I know you. You watch TV this way, right?

You watch TV on your side, on your right elbow. You would put a hole in the middle of the bed, so all you would have to do is lay back, open your thighs, let the dumps for her. Ring a bell. She'd come in with a mask on and the other... A mask.

She'd come in. She'd come in with deodorizer and a glove Wipe your asshole with one of those things from From Dalit's Shave Club Throw in the basket And then she'd have a rope under your basket Like the guy in a In Santa Lambs

And she pulled the rope out And there'd be a little turds with the toilet paper And then she'd walk into the thing And she'd come back And then she'd ask you How is that Mr. Sionat? And you'd look at and go Tremendous

No, bring me a night Sitting in the bed Just ringing a bell If you're worth the hundred million What are you only go outside? You don't want to go outside now And you got 50 million in the bank Who shit's outside?

I don't have a bathroom But you wouldn't even go Yes, I would Lee, I know you I'm lazy I would never shit in my bed I'm not on the bed It's like an animal

I'm talking about like a little hole in the bed You just spin down like this Lee like you just throw your arm back Like this, like a... That little hunk of meat will take it. You just sit there, oh, oh. And you have like a string you pull, like ding-a-ding, ding-a-ding. She comes in, yes, Mr. Lee.

Okay, two things. First of all, if you're sitting in your bed, I don't care how big the hole is. You're going to get some on the bed. Second of all, where are you going to fucking sleep if there's a hole in your bed now? You're going to have a king, king, king-sized bed. You're going to roll.

Okay. You're just going to roll. Roll over, roll over. You're gonna shit and you're gonna roll right back to your neutral position. First of all, if I had $100 million, I would pay them to develop a pill to make me 125 pounds of pure muscle. And then I would never... Lee, get it together, right? That's the most disgusting thing.

I know you, Lee, Lee, I know you. I'm offended. What do you mean offended? I'm gonna shit like that. You would move. She come in and wipe your ass. she rub your feet with a warm towel rub your veins to get the circulation going you go ah like you do now

and then they bring you a subway sandwich and you sit there and knowing you you would have them cut it for you and feed it to you and wipe the sides of your lip because I know if I had a hundred mil that's what I would do you know what I'm saying I wouldn't even use my hands no more if I would have a sushi chef on premises

I would have a chef subway I go there because it's cheap I know If you had a hundred million, you'd be cheaper than what you are now. No, I'm not. I would not even get you out of house. I would walk around with a hundred thousand and a hundred dollar bills, and I would just count it all day.

Cuck sucker. She didn't meant bed. Stop it. I know you. Quit. Stop it. You're trying to fight it. You're going to think about it and go, Joey knows me.

On the way home, he's going to go, fucking Joey knows me. Why wouldn't I at least have a little scooter if I didn't want to walk? Here comes your girlfriend. Interview this chick. ask of you look at the one with the bad head cut look at her, look at she's eating you know what her fucking ass

smells like she's got an egg salad on fucking wheat and the other one's and the other one's got a banana fucking gentiles fucking Gentiles anyway I was telling the story about bolder

so you know I was 22 I thought I had the world By the Balls. I knew I had the world by the balls But I was a fucking pig I had this little money man I got And I was worse than Lee I wasn't gonna part with it Yeah

I had this 18 grandly I looked at that check It was like 18, 836 Okay The only thing that was getting spent It was 836 That 18 you had to kill me For me to go into that 18

Yeah I took that 836 And I fucking moved the Boulder I scanned and I took the 18,000 and I put it in a fucking bank account and I'm like, I'm not touching it. And I lived off the 836,

I hustled, I bought 20s, and sold nickel bags to college kids, but that wore out. And I said, fuck, I'm not going to break into the 18. And I started, I called a friend of mine in Jersey. I started using credit cards. And I went nuts. Wait, you had 18 and you still did illegal stuff?

Oh, I was a piece of fucking garbage. At that time, I wasn't burglarizing homes, but I was just fucking, you know, doing a credit card scams. I just went on a tour. I just destroyed New Jersey with these gas station rip-offs I had, where I would get a job under a different name. Oh, no. And get like 2,000 cash, 3,000, and then just leave. In Jersey, you have to pump gas. You don't pump your own gas in Jersey or Oregon.

So I would sit by a busy gas station. They'd tell me to dump every thousand, every thousand. make a dump, I put like an envelope with $10 in it. And after about three hours, I'd be out there, hustling, Jack Rain, man, this guy works hard, fuck you, I'm stealing. I'd be out there putting everybody $40

to fill up. You know, I'd stay out there, fucking $30, $40, $50 fill-ups, and also at that one point I'd go, fuck, I got to go. And I have Georgie pick me up. He was my getaway drive. Oh, yeah, Steve Simone. Wow, that's all in one day? I do, yeah, I would scope him on.

I'd drive from town to town. So, like, I go to North Ritz tomorrow. I go to Thousand Oaks. And every gas station that's open 24 hours is always looking for somebody from 12 to 8. Yeah, nobody wants to work that graveyard shift. So I'd walk in. Hey, you got a 12 to 8 and I go to school. Yeah.

We were just looking for one. Would you do 4 to 12, too? Oh, yeah. When can you start? Maybe Friday can you start tonight? We're going to really bind up a year double. Now you got them. Yeah.

You'll come in at 4. you're doing them the favor now. So you come in at four, you come in at four, it's prime time. Everybody's leaving the 405. Home from work. I would sit there till 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock. I would tell George that morning, George, stay by your house till I call you. And once I went to work, I go, George, you're home, yeah.

There was no pages then, there was no. So I would call you and you come, sit with the car. Once I saw your car, I would walk over, get in the car and leave. Nobody knew nothing. An hour later, where's Joey? He went to the bathroom. the bathroom that motherfucker so back then people wouldn't use because now i never pay for gas no it wasn't nobody so just it's all cash it was 85% cash in those days 85% cash and he would just go

one day three four thousand and i do that twice a week in different municipalities there had to be a level of anxiety with living like that though right like the people were going to catch up with you i liked it that's why i liked comedy in the beginning because it was a draw. It's no different than being a criminal. Every morning I got to do something with my life. I got to justify my existence every fucking morning. So what's the difference, you know?

How long, because me as a Jew, if I got four grand in one day, I can make that last for a while. How long would that last? In those days? Yeah. A day and a half. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my Jewish. You figured I owed six or seven hundred. I had some guy carrying me all the time. Look, give me 200 total. tomorrow. Joey, Jesus Christ, I just gave you two. Lee, what the fuck? I owed you four and I gave you eight last time, right? You didn't cry then. Give me the fucking deuce. Yeah. Because when I made money, you made money. Give me the fucking 200. This is why I don't want to hear this. If not, I just give you $2.20 like everybody else. I'm giving you $400. Give me the fucking $5 and shut up.

Come on. That's going to buy your lunch. What are you crying about? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? And that night I go rob a gas station. That's how you live. That's the mentality. That's what people don't understand. There's not. no bottom. That's why you steal. You don't have time to have a job. How are we going to eat squid for lunch every day with sauce and much fucking general hospital if I'm not stealing? You're making $5.50 an hour

over at Wendy's. Really? Really? What are you going to give me a chicken fucking sandwich? Because in those days when we're friends, we live off each other. So you work at Wednesdays. You've got to bring home a chicken sandwich for Uncle Joey. Two of them, cucked sucker. I mean, when you say it like that, I mean, I remember working at CVS,

started when I was 16, and my paychecks would be at most $100 a week. Yeah. After five or six weeks, you're like, you see your friend on the corner selling fucking Riefer with girlfriends and taking them to the movies,

and you're like, how long is this going to end? I'm over here listening to some fucking college funky that didn't do nothing with his life. You know what I'm saying? He's been working this as day one, and my friend's on the corner selling fucking weed making $100 a day. I'm making $100 every two fucking weeks.

Yeah. Then you wonder why. Then you wonder why. So I used this credit cards. Guys, I took these five or six credit cards, and they were, like, rotating because I was very smart. I knew in those days, if you were under $50, they didn't know how to hit it. You were allowed to hit it.

I knew stores that would just ring them. I knew places that you go in and go like that. And that you tell the guy, listen, pick something. I'll get it for you. And then make my connection. so before I'd make mine I'd run yours, you understand me? Okay, let me ask you this.

Go ahead. Saying that to me, I would be petrified that I'd go to the one guy who would immediately call the cops. How do you know what guy would say that to? You hear through the Gravevine, people let themselves know, you're at a bar drinking, you go Steve Simone.

I got a credit card. Where are we going to go today? Bro, my boy is at the jewelry store. Go down there, he'll run the car, tell you how much limit you got. You just got to give him a bracelet or something. Get them on the phone. Boom, dog.

My friend's going down there. Send them down. Boom. I had a girl at Lord and Taylor. And David, those days. I call her up and go down there. She'd run the card from me. It's good.

I tell her, pick out a pair of shoes for 400. And give me something. I can bring it back, and you've got to give me cash. You're filing. So there's a thousand scams. So I go, Lee. I'm going to buy this cell phone from you for 400. I'm going to come back on an hour later.

You're going to give me 400 cash. I'm going to give you two cash. If I do that three times a week, that's six bills in your pocket, bitch. That's $2,400 a month. Last time I checked, that's rent, bitches, blow, and that's how you get caught up in bad things, right? Yeah. Can someone do that? Can someone live like that and not get taken away and live a full...

I guarantee... A career criminal? Here's the deal. You can live like that. But nobody is that intelligent. Right. Nobody's that intelligent. See, all you need is one guy that's bored to look at something and go,

hmm, that's fucking weird. That's it. No. Or you make a mistake. You get high one night. You know, let me go get beer with the liquor with the store. Boom, that's the night. You weren't fucking thinking.

You would never buy fucking beer. You would never make a bad decision like that. That's how you get. busted when you make a bad decision. In thief, at the end, he was a thief on his own. Now, he wanted to join forces with people. So it's

and he knew. When I'm a thief and I'm a thief with him, and he works with me and you work with me, it's a three-man operation. There's three people in the world that know what I do. And how did I meet you doing time? And how did I meet you doing time? So we ain't going nowhere. We're all

fucking criminals here. All right. I'm going to pay you big. You don't say a fucking word. If I tell you at 3 in the morning, go shoot him, you go shoot him. You got the smartest guy in the world. You just want to fucking live your life. Eat cookies and fuck cookers. There's people that's all they want to do.

Listen, what do you need a month? 6,000. I'm going to give you a 10. I'm going to call you a 4 in the morning for rides to airports. I'm going to call you at different fucking hours of the day, you know? Wow. That's crazy.

I mean, I can't even imagine a little like that. never live like that. You can't do it forever, but then you figure out how to do it. But what I didn't like is that you have to sit there. Now when I'm 50, if I'm anybody and if I have any intelligence, I know that the more

spaghetti you throw against the wall, eventually it's going to stick. Yeah. I mean, you have to think about what would it happen. What would Tony Soprano be today? Seven years later, would he have four. Remember, all you need is one of your guys to get caught doing something. You can't control that. And that's what

James Kahn fought against. He didn't want to be part of an organization. He wanted to do it for him. Plus, I got to share my money with you. So if I steal $3 million, I get a million dollars. I'm in there 15 fucking hours with a blow torch. 15 hours. You know how many things could happen in 15 fucking hours?

How many cops could drive by and go, hmm, why is there flames up on the 15 fucking floor? So, this is why I knew that I couldn't do that anymore. But one of the cops that came to talk to me, like after three months, I was using these credit cards and I got a job. But what happened was I got a job at the mall where I used the credit cards. There's only one big mall in Boulder in those guys. So me, the genius, gets a call from Foot Locker, and I take the job. And one day the cops are investigating the credit cards.

And one of the guys goes, the funny thing is, the guy that used the credit cards is now working over at Foot Locker. Oh, no. So his cop kept coming up to me. And he kept saying, listen, we know you used the cards. First he came with another uniform guy. Then he came the next day with another uniform guy. And he tried me to cop to it. And he waited like two or three days and he came on a Sunday to the sneaker place.

And he's like, we're real close to getting their receipts. You're going to get arrested on Tuesday or Wednesday. And then that Sunday then I went home. I started packing. And about 10 o'clock got a knock on my dough. It's him. playing close and he's like listen we can make this easy for you you could either fucking go with me right now and turn yourself in be out in the morning or you can wait till the fucking warrant gets here

and i looked at them and i go do me a favor how many times you're going to come talking about this if you've had anything you wouldn't be here right now get the fuck out of here you know get the fuck out of here and uh he says to me uh okay blah blah blah blah blah blah and me and him don't really get along. I could tell that he's one of those dudes that don't like me. Well, I fucking leave for San Francisco. I move on with my life. Two years goes by.

I moved back to Bowdo, and I get a job at a car wash. And one day I got a job selling cars, and I decide I'm going to kidnap some fucking dude. Jesus. Right? And I kidnap and am I getting trouble? Guess it would the lead detective was on? Same guy.

No way. And I sat with this guy from October of 87 to August of 88, thinking, when is this guy going to realize? I was the guy with the credit cards. What is he going to remember? He didn't put that together? Never. I remember sitting next to him in court, like me being at this table with my attorney and him being at the other table with the DA and sitting there going, when is this guy going to look at me? Oh, my God.

And we went through the whole case like this. And he kept looking at me, and I could tell that he would go, I know this guy, but he never fucking put it together. That was me. Until this day. And I checked him out last night. He's still a cop. He's like a lead investigator now in Boulder.

But how fucking funny is that guy? Always you call him. So always remember people, NCIC and CSI, they ain't shit. If the motherfucker got a bad memory, you got that motherfucker beat. and also a number, you'll never see a black guy in a tricycle. That's the podcast for today. I want to thank Steve Simone for fucking joining us for coffee. This was amazing.

This is a great little podcast thing. Yeah, that's crazy. This is crazy today. You got me thinking about life, Joey. Well, this is what we do. This and the sound of trucks, and we got helicopters, and we got the Malaysian flight, and every day is a different story. What's up with Lee Syed?

That tall girl had maybe the nicest ass that I've ever seen. Oh, yeah, I know. Lee, that's why we do coffee with Uncle Joey. So you can fucking see chicks and sniff assholes. She was wearing jeans. I wish she was wearing yoga pants. What would you do about, Lee? Would you let her fart in your face? I might let her firm. See? I knew we got. I'm going to get some more coffee.

You're going to get more coffee with Joey? Hang out. Has to a piece of coffee cake. We'll hit the vapor pen again. Okay. And we'll call it there. I want to thank all the sponsors on it. Dollar Shave Club, Naturebox.com. Nailed it life. EscapePod Tank.com.com. Hulu Plus.

I love all you motherfuckers. Thank you for supporters. And thank you for you guys. Don't forget me and Leo be in Austin, Texas. Oh shit. Next Thursday eating barbecue. We're doing a podcast. We're on it.

We're going to have a good time. Lee's going to stand online for three hours and get barbecue for us. He's eating edibles every night while he's there. He's going to eat 30 milligrams for breakfast. And then another 60 at 8 o'clock at night. They're going to call him time release Lee. 60 bits. 60.

I ain't Chinese. He's not. The number one's giving me 60. Well, it's a time to start, motherfucker. And also remember we're in Santa Fe this Saturday night, May 10th. The shirts, mugs, and packs are still available at joey-deers.net. Lees shirts are still available. Where?

Leeside.com. And he's still got the flying Jew t-shirts. So get them Steve Simone. What do you got going on? These people come see you. My podcast, good times. I want them to check out. It's always a great podcast.

It's doing great with their fucking numbers and the radiance. Here we go. You had your buddy You had a Your buddy who haven't talked to in like 20 years Yeah, it was great Who's that? Ken Kardashian's mother over there

May 21st I'm headlining the Bray Improft Oh shit Tickets's available now At Improb.com Click on to Bray And go see my friend Steve Simone or as I'm referring

To my nephew Because I'm not even friends To these guys no more I'm like a big uncle now to him So if I'm their uncle They're my fucking nephew And that goes for all of you people At the house

all right at the church on what's happening now is shit fuck is almost got bit I didn't see that guy there get it together get it together you're slipping

cuck sucker see what I'm saying this is why I love these live podcast people almost get bit by fucking dogs and shit he was waiting in that too

he's waiting that guy was a rapist in his previous life you see him oh he's giggling he's giggling he's giggling you see his face he's like he's like

he liked us he didn't like Mattashian's mother I love all dogs. I was in a parking lot the other day. And the station wagon, I wasn't looking, I wasn't paying attention. There was a

German Shepherd that must have taken up the entire station wagon. And as soon as it saw me, it took it back to Nazi Germany and it started barking and bearing its teeth. And I must have jumped eight feet in the air. Oh my God. I'm happy, and I jump on eight feet in the air around me.

I almost did a little bit. Get it together. Everything all right? You're going to have a good weekend? Yeah. Thank you for listening to this live, having coffee with Uncle Joey, Steve Simone, and Lisa. We're going to keep bringing you these from a couple different locations. On Monday morning at 6am, we're going to come for you live from the office. Stay black. Have a good fucking weekend, and we love you.