The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #176 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: June 29, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Wednesday, June 29th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Better Help & CBD Lion.…. Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code JOEY to get $100 in free bets when you spend $5 on UFC 276… If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Better Help! Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #CBDLion #DraftKings #BetterHelp The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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Now, without further ado, let's get this motherfucking party started, Jack. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Sorry about Monday. Fuck it. It's Wednesday the 29th of motherfucking. June. The month is almost over. Fourth of July is upon us. Break out the fucking flags. It's over.

You know what I'm saying? Let's do this shit. I am fucking, I am excited about this fucking summer. For you, motherfuckers, I know what you're wondering. How was the Burt tour? How did I do? Let's get this. Let's break this motherfucker down on a Wednesday. Brett Kreis should put together

something. I don't know if you guys know anything about how comedy used to work in the summers. There was always a tour. For years, there was, what's the one that, whatever did that I did the one year, like 2016 with Chappelle. And then I did it the second

year with Sebastian and Dane Cook. It was a, it was a big tour. And then the one year they fucking added a bunch of cities, they got greedy and they didn't sell any fucking tickets the year with Sebastian. Remember, Brody used to do the small stage and all that. Yeah, that was a great

festival, you know, but I don't know with the pandemic and the last two years they didn't have it and all of a sudden I got a call from Burke Reischer to do this fully loaded tour I had no idea you know I'm not living in our life so I'm not in the fucking loop so when he told me about the fully loaded tour

it was a minor league stadium tour and I was like you know what this is perfect I just got to do 15 or 20 minutes I think last Thursday the first night I did like 12 minutes I couldn't think of material it was but I loosened up over the tour and everything worked out but that's not when he told me I just needed 15 minutes of material.

What a way to, you know, come back into comedy. You know, going in front of big fucking audiences and doing 15 to 20 fucking minutes a night. This will let me know what my fate was. And I got to be honest with you, I was very happy how it turned out. Burke Kreischer did not cut corners. You don't know how much that means to a guy like me. You know, there's these fucking comics that realize.

they can't make it so they buy comedy clubs or they do something so they can perform. But at the meantime, while they're worried about their dream, they don't treat comics like you should. These are your people. You know what I'm saying? There's no reason why you shouldn't have a fucking green room. There's no reason why you shouldn't have a bag of peanuts to eat. You know, these people come and do a show for you.

But comedy club guys, like there was a club in Ventura. I don't know what the name was. That guy didn't want to get me a whole thing. tell one day to do radio. Okay? I couldn't talk to him after that. Anybody knows that if you drive two hours to do radio and you got to spend

the day up there, you got to get a hotel room. That's part of it. A cheap one. I don't need no three. Four seasons. I just, but he didn't do it. A $49 hotel. I was going to fucking favor. So I got a thousand stories where a club is a clubbing fucking Tempe. The guy

is a, you know, he's a fucking comic. Never went on the road. But, you know, he does, he emcees his shows, and he controls you, and then he won't fucking pay you for a week. So these guys that are self-aclaimed comics, get a comedy club, I'm always weary of. When somebody, a comic gets, you know,

like last summer, Dave Chappelle did a thing during fucking COVID in Ohio. He flew everybody back. He took care of them. I heard that it was fucking amazing. And that's what real comics do. You know, when a comic comes into your festival, whatever the fuck to do. You take care of them.

I got to tell you something. Burke Chrysha took care of me. First thing I saw when I got there was a swag bag. He got me Yeti chairs, Yeti coolers. Fucking coolers with the thermos. He got me T-shirts, Conver sneakers, fucking slippers, a workout thing for your room

when you're in a hotel over the weekend. Cables and shit like that. I don't know what the fuck. I mean, the food was second and none. He had tons of food there. to boot. He had my man Dave from Florida barbecue on all fucking day. Brisket, ribs. So when you got off the stage at 10 o'clock, that place looked like the fucking, like the fountain of youth. Everything that was missing with naked people.

I mean, they had every Saturday night and fucking Atlanta, I didn't know what they were going to do with all this fucking food. They had a bar and it was filled with sandwiches. Surprise me sandwiches. I don't even know what the fuck they were. Then there was four feet of boxes of, uh, when you go to a funnel cake fries, which I don't fucking eat that shit. Then they had regular fries. Then they had tacos, all four flavors, shrimp, chicken, beef, beans, fucking rice. I mean, it was superb.

It was superb. I had no problems with anything except one thing. I had a little anxiety before I left because, guys, I haven't been out of the fucking house in two years. never mind to Bristol, Tennessee, to fucking South Carolina, and to outside Atlanta. It was Cold Ray Stadium or something like that. Like, I never been to these, fuck. I mean, I've been to Tennessee, and I've been to all that.

So I was a little apprehensive about my knee. My knee's been buckling a little bit like that. But I got to tell you something. Here's the fucking crazy thing. And you guys, I know this has happened to you. You've been worried about something, worried about something. I mean, I was just worried about my knee, man. I don't want my wife to have to get.

get me come fly to Mississippi or fucking Atlanta to come get me. So, I'm worried about my knee. You know how many times my knee gave out on me this weekend? Zelch, all those airports, all that walking, those baseball fields, hockey stadiums, all that shit

was solid as a motherfucker. Now, when Bert called me, he said, listen, it's going to be a fucking tour bus. We're going to get five tour buses. And he goes, they're going to be state of the art. You're going to love them. you'll be fine.

I got to be honest with you guys. And I'm saying this for Mike. We all want to be fucking rock stars. You know, everybody wants to be a fucking rock star. There's no better life than a rock star. I'm talking about Def Leopard fucking 85, you know, right before after Pyromania and before the really good one that they put out and all this shit. You know, these bands, think about being on tour with the fucking stones in the 70s,

with Ron Wood, Keith Richards, bitches, you know, it's like a non-stop party. You just sign up. I know you guys saw the Motley Crew movie, you know. And that's what it's like, guys. When you go out for a long period of time, it starts, you know, when I started comedy, it starts Tuesday. And then Sunday.

By Sunday, you're green in the fucking gills. You have no color in your face. You're just sitting at the ball waiting to do the last show on Sunday night. And you're dying. You've been going for a fucking week straight, drinking booze, brides, coke, pill, whatever the fuck they give you. You know what I'm saying? But listen, today's a different animal. We've all had desires of being on a fucking tour bus.

You imagine that? Like when you watch Almost Famous, you know, they want a fucking tour bus, whatever. All those great stories of tours, they always had tour buses and what they do. You hear about John Madden traveling with a fucking tour bus that looks like a fucking apartment, you know. I got to tell you something, the tour buses were gorgeous. And I was all the fucking, I'm like, yeah, a tour bus smelling farts, you know, smelling feet, in your fucking bunk, just writing stupid jokes in the middle of the night. That sounds like a lot of fun for a fucking guy like me.

Just tremendous. I don't drink or nothing. You know, I'm going to smoke some dope. I'm not going to do anything else. But I thought it was a great idea. So I signed up for it. No problem. We do the fucking first show Thursday night

We fly down I see Mark Norman at the airport We fly down there together We get the fucking South Carolina We get to the hotel Whatever the fuck They pick me up at 630

Gorgeous It's gorgeous out We do the show And then It was one of the best I couldn't believe that Wednesday night I was in bed at 1030

And Thursday night I was out at fucking one in the morning and talking with people, smoking dope, eating edibles, you know, just everybody was having a good time because the bus shows up at 3 to pick you up. So you got to stay up until 3 and just talk shit with people. You know, what he did was he bought like Bert sold all-access tickets.

So after the show, we had all-axis tickets, you could come on up and hang out. So I think like maybe 30 people bought those tickets. and I gotta tell you something everybody who came up there was fucking cool. Honest, like a third, Rogan buddy came by

just these girls from Fort Lauderdale came by, they were great, I invited them at the hotel, they were realtors, all the, you know, just they sell like property management stuff. It was just really nice people.

And three o'clock came. We started getting into the buses talking shit, Big Jay, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, were on the fucking bus with Bert. And guys, I went to, I even, Bert put up a video of me sitting in the bunk. I was fucking fine, guys. Look at my face.

I'm fine. But, I mean, listen, guys, I smoked dope in the morning. And I try to smoke dope in the air. Like, today I got a little fucking high. But at night, I'm not getting high. I'm just chasing joints one after the other. And until you smoke yourself straight. And that night, I popped the edibles when I got off stage, which was maybe 9.15.

So by 12, I'm on fire. and then by three I had cooled down a little bit, you know, so I was fine. I was talking with Mark, he was across from me, I was talking to bird, I was talking to my man fucking Big J, and all of a sudden it was time for nappian no time. I'm like, okay, this is going to work. Guys, I fucking got in my bunk, I plugged in the sleep apnea machine, put my little mask on, and I was, and I was fine. And all of a sudden, I slid the curtain, and that's when my world turned upside fucking down. It's just, guys, I can't even fucking explain it. I'm still drinking liquid IV to fucking recover.

Guys, my world turned around. And then I remembered in the middle of why. I'm like, why am I feeling like this? I started sweating profusiously. My heart was beaten out of fucking control. And I'm car sick. But to top it off on the car sickness, I had about a fucking anxiety because that curtain closed, there was no windows back there.

There was nothing. It was nothing but fucking darkness. The first time I walked in that bathroom, I must have fell down two times. I started peeing. I was peeing every seven minutes from the anxiety. My heart was beating so much. My body went into like fucking shock. I started peeing every fucking seven minutes, one pee after the other.

So about five in the morning I just started barfing I just started barfing you know water that I drank and all this shit and I just did not feel good Then the shirt came off like Burke Kreisha sweaty tithies were sweating You know what I'm saying when you feel the fucking water

Under your tits At one point I was just laying there So I had to walk to the front of the bus While I was car sick guys This was the worst feeling I had It was like vertigo Meets vertigo I had to walk to the front of the bus with my eyes closed.

The bus is doing 70 miles a fucking hour. I'm hearing guys snoring. I'm hearing... And I'm like, what the fuck? I'm hearing little snores. I think it was like Big J had like a little snore. Very light, but some other guy was big, whatever. And I realized that in the front, the bunks were three.

So there was a top bunk, a middle bunk, and then a motherfucker in the bottom, like a casket. And when I saw that casket, I was like, this is bullshit. I ran out for that front of the bus And I sat in the like the bus was looking straight So I sat on this side and guys from the bus going like this like I'm looking out the window I'm starting to get fucking sicker I'm just fucking dying I'm just like what the fuck I could feel the sweat I could feel the sweat in my ears

When you feel the sweat in your ears you know there's a motherfucking problem So I fucking sat there for like an hour in a weird position, like with my head on top of a box, and I just was sweating with my feet up, bent over, like legs all crooked, and that's one of the fucking, the interns came out, one of the guys that works, and he's like, dog, you don't look too good. I'm like, I ain't too fucking good. So he goes, we'll be landing.

We'll be getting to Tennessee in like 40 minutes. So I was in Bristol, Tennessee. They drove me to a hotel guy's. I could barely walk upstairs. Like, that's how fucked up I was. Like, I could barely walk in the hallway. I went to my room. I took a shower.

I had a little puke on my chest. I had fucking sweats. You know, I took a shower. And I felt a little better. I drank a bunch of water. I drank a liquid IV. I brought like 10 liquid IVs with me. I drank a liquid IV because I had sweat like a fucking animal.

And I felt a little better. I went downstairs. I had a couple eggs. some bacon and I fucking hit the crib for the whole fucking day. But when I woke up, I had a splitting fucking headache. And, uh, you know what? The show must go on. I must ate like two of leaves.

I went down there. Bristol, Tennessee was fucking great. I don't know if you people have ever been to Tennessee. I don't know if you people have ever been to the South. And this is why this was the best part of me ever doing comedy. It wasn't the shows. It wasn't. Best part of me doing comedy is I got to see this fucking country.

And I got to tell you something, I love it. I love this fucking country. I love spots that nobody else would like. What I like, people think like you're a fucking mutt, dog. There's greater cities than that. I don't judge cities by architect or the restaurants. I judge the city by like the field. Here I am in fucking Bristol, Tennessee.

And I don't know if you're familiar with Southern hospitality. It is mind-boggling. It is mind-boggling. I mean, South Carolina was fucking tremendous. We stayed across a hotel from the comedy zone. I hadn't been there earlier. I hadn't been to that club in 15 fucking years. I did a one night of that, maybe in 97, 98.

But the people at the fucking, I wanted a pork taco in like a carnitas taco in South Carolina guys. And when it came, I looked at it was an appetizer. It was two tacos. And when I came, I looked at it. I'm like, this looks a little weird. I bit into that motherfucker. The first bite, the pork was really good, right? I'm like, this is okay, but this is not.

I thought they had some garnishers. I took the second bite, and that fucking taco blew up. They had beans in that motherfucker with some sauce or some cheese. I had never tasted carnitas like that in my fucking life. And here I am in South Carolina. And I've been to San Diego, Mexico, L.A. I've been to every state with his fucking Mexicans. I love all four different Mexicans types of food.

You got the Colorado type. You got the fucking New Mexico, chili. That's Colorado, too. Then you got Tex-Mex. I like it every fucking way. But I had never, in my life, had a taco as juicy and as delicious as these two motherfucking tacos in whatever, South Carolina, wherever the fuck I was. Look at the schedule. I was blown the fuck away.

Blown the fuck away. I'm like, I'm thinking I'm eating like something. No, it was fucking delicious. And then I had something else, like a cheeseburger or something. Fucking on whatever, when they grow the fucking cow on grass and they don't kick it. They don't hit it with sticks and shit like that or spit balls. The fucking beef was just melting in my dog. And you know what?

When my tab came, guys, it was like $16 fucking dollars. You feel like you're robbing somebody in these small cities. everybody said good morning everybody said good night you know this is like lunch in south carolina and it was fucking tremendous i mean dinner dinner was going to be like at nine

when i got to the club and i had worked out at the hotel and i was fucking starving so i got i went downstairs and got a steak in the restaurant again i'm like i don't know how good this is going to be holy shit the steak melted in my fucking mouth like buddy you have those steaks that you don't know what's going to be like

It was perfect. It was a 10-ounce New York strip. It was perfect. And they made this vegetable medley with mushrooms and onions and peppers and cucumbers. I didn't eat anything else. But I tore up those fucking onions and peppers. I went to that fucking show. I'm like, guys, I just had a steak that had so much fucking flavor on it.

And it melted. It's like the beef in these communities is fucking tremendous. Then I went to Tennessee. I got up the next morning. I went to Tennessee. morning i had breakfast i slept uh you know basically all day i don't even know what i had later on the afternoon but when i went down it was like it was one of those hotels where i was like nobody's gonna say nothing to me in this hotel nobody knew nothing nobody knew who i was nobody said

good morning nobody i said good morning to them or whatever when i went upstairs when i left nobody said a word to me at those hotels usually there's people at the bar drinking that are going to go to the fucking show but there was nobody so i'm like wow this hotel there's nobody here so i fucking went to do the show when i came back there was a skinny motherfucker waiting for me in the hallway he's like dog where you been holy shit and he was staying at the hotel i think he worked there he's like dog i got something for you but i already had like uh some edibles in me i smoked some dope and i i was still sick from fucking thursday night's run so i was like dog i'm gonna go upstairs i think i took two milano cookies they have

those two packs, the Milano thin ones, just to watch TV and unwind, and I fucking passed the fuck out. But when I got up Saturday morning, I went downstairs, and I went to get breakfast, and there was this cute little black lady, cutest shit, African-American lady. She had to be 70.

When I was getting some oatmeal, she came up to me. She was like, excuse me, sir, did I see you in the longest yard? And I'm like, yes, you did. And she goes, my name is Ms. Turner. I'm the chef. here, you know, anything you want, but me and my grandchildren have watched that movie

a thousand times. So I started talking to Ms. Turner and stuff. She was sweetened and pie. And then the girl in the back came out. She was all tatted up. She's like, are you on TikTok? And I'm like, I'm sorry.

Even Eliza Schlesinger hit me up last night. She's like, dog, you're huge on TikTok. Somebody's running that account. Somebody's running that account. And I'm like, wow. So I fucking, she's like, have you on TikTok? And I'm like, I don't know, kids put my shit up there. I'm sorry about the language.

She's like, no, I love it. So now I'm eating breakfast, and it's all women down there, right? There's like the tattoo chick that thought I was on TikTok. She was like a dishwasher or something. There was another African-American waitress that was really cute, older, you know, 50. There was another African-American lady, Ms. Turner. And there was another white chick that was, she came home. And she's like, man, I'm happier you're at the hotel.

All right. I went upstairs. I took my shit. My man Dorfman was there from Zanis in Nashville. The owner, sweetheart of a fucking guy. Sweetheart of a guy. He goes, dog, don't get on the bus. I'll drive it to Atlanta.

And he's a great guy. Great club. I'm going to be out there in December to do Jelly Roads benefit in January, December 9th. I'm going to stop in Zanis. Say hello to Dorff. We had a fucking blast. But when he came to get me, you could ask this motherfucker. I went upstairs.

I talked to the women for about 45 minutes. He was picking me up like about 11. I went upstairs. When I checked out, guys, as I was checking out, this is your uncle Joey Dia is the dirtiest motherfucker in the world. Those four women were waiting for me. And I hugged all four of them.

And they're like, when are you coming back? Like, they were like, you're coming back. All these women were in their 50s and 60s. They're like, when are you coming back, son? They were like, God bless you. They were the sweetest fucking women. They had no idea I was about to get in the car. and go do fucking cock jokes and pussy jokes.

They thought I was doing like Christian material. They embraced me. I felt so bad for these women. They were sweeter than hell. I don't know if you've ever been to Tennessee guy. But this weekend made me realize why I married my wife. This weekend, listen, we're not doing a podcast next week. Because the 4th of July, I got a lot of shit going on next weekend with games.

Mikey's getting ready to get married. He needs some time off this motherfucker drive three hours, two days a week. you know, this is my anniversary, 22 fucking years this weekend. And when I was in Tennessee, I'm like, I don't even end up with this woman, you know? And now for a word from our sponsor, better help.

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Eating right, working out, getting plenty of sleep, they're all good start, but there's no substitute for talk therapy. Guys, listen, I've been with BetterHelp for about 10 months now, maybe a year. She bailed me out from one of the bigger predicaments I was, and I didn't know what to do next. BetterHelp makes online therapy accessible, convenient, and affordable. You know, I worked with Dana for months. We did exercises. We talked. No medication.

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And you can be matched with a therapist in 48 hours. Joint listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash joey. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash joey. Visit betterhelp.com for 10% off your first month when you press code Joey in there. That's betterhelp.com slash joey. Get your life together. And it's the sweetness thing, man. I love women from the South.

I get along with them. I don't know what it is. Are you on TikTok? I was fucking dying. I was dying, guys. So then we headed to fucking Atlanta. But I tell you what, I'm still getting messages every day from Bristol, Tennessee. I don't know what I did in Bristol.

But I told them that my wife's from Tennessee and that a family eat squirrels and shit, and they went fucking off. You know, I talked about, I really wanted a piece of leaves fried chicken. But leaves is all the way in Milan and in fucking Louisville. And I like Nashville chicken. but dog unless you have lees chicken don't don't even come talk to me Lee's fried chicken dog I'm Cuban

Puerto Ricans make the best fried chicken I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you I know you people gonna say something else because you're fucking racist now Puerto Ricans make the best fried chicken all right and uh I gotta tell you something when I just go this time I go to myelin just to eat the fried chicken guys I won't go to fucking brother food to eat Chinese food

My friend's like, this is the best Chinese food. I don't give a fuck. Those days are over. I got good Chinese down here. I won't even go to Rutherford. Dog, when I'm in Nashville, I drive an hour and a half, guys, to two hours to get a fucking bucket of chicken from Lee's fried chicken. It's so good.

It's brothers with no gloves on. Just frying chicken with natural African-American flavors on their fingers, dog, and they got some flavor down there. I learned how to eat from African-Americans when I was a kid. But there's two places I remember the food specifically. Tennessee, Leaves Fried Chicken, and there was a heavy brother in Dallas, weighing about 500.

This motherfucker used to make pork chops on a grill outside the improvs and the other club in Dallas. He was really the other club in Dallas. He made these fucking pork chops on a grill on white bread. Oh, Lord. With dirty hands, with a towel, sweat. on the pork chops. Do you hear anything?

Did you hear me say a word? Did you hear me say, well, there's hair on my son? No! Excuse me, sir, you're sweating on my pork chop. That's the fucking flavor. That motherfucker's 500 pounds, Jack. Doug, Ralphie used to cook where you think he didn't sweat in the fucking food. I'd see that motherfucker making gumbo drops falling off his head.

That fat, that's better fat than you're going to get from a fucking beef or chicken. That Ralphie sweat fat in your fucking gumbo? That's fucking tremendous. this brother but Atlanta when I got the fucking Atlanta Atlanta was fucking rocking Atlanta is a fucking Atlanta

is a fucking it's a city that doesn't stop growing when you go on when you like it was a minor league field so I thought we were going to perform like you know in some part of Georgia where Hersch or Walker is and shit you know one of those places

so fucking uh i just said herschel walker because last night i was watching tv with my wife and there was a channel that had espn something had the u s fl on from 1985 and herschel walker was playing for the fucking generals and a lot of people don't remember that was who owned that team don't trump owned the usfel jersey generals his first boss his the guy he drafted was hershal walker nothing to do with our story i just figured I drop it in there and give you a little fucking color commentary. We drove down there and we stopped in a town

close to Duncan. And I called Duncan. He didn't fucking pick up. We were in the town over from Asheville, North Carolina. We went to this fucking place in there. Holy shit. This was like a brewery, like a really like organic

hippie brewery. I got the avocado toast in this motherfucker. Dog, it was tremendous. It was the avocado on the thin bread with the crushed pepper and the olive oil. But these motherfuckers went the extra step. They threw a roogala on that bitch. Oh, shit!

A rouggler! And then the motherfucker made me a grilled fried chicken sandwich? Holy shit, it wasn't leased, no disrespect. But it was pretty fucking good. He made like some orange mustard, something. God damn. It was fucking good, man. They know how to cook down south.

That's one thing. I'm honest with you. I've had some bad meals in the South sometimes you don't know, but there's some fucking... I went to Nashville's one time. You got to ask my wife, there's a restaurant, Nashville, a steakhouse. They ain't fucking around in there. And I got to tell you something, it was dirt cheap. That's the fucking steakhouse.

We went until like four years ago and we brought our niece and we valeted the car. And when the valet took off, my niece is like, Uncle Joey, he's stealing your car. I go, nah, it's a valet, dog. Don't worry about nothing. We got this. But we went to Asheville, and it was fucking great, the town over. And then we ended up in Georgia. And we drove right to that.

Georgia, Atlanta is getting so fucking big. It's beautiful. And I got to tell you what else, they got a lot of in Atlanta. Beautiful African-American women. Are you ready for this? Did I just say, beautiful African-American. women and I think they all work at the fucking airport. They are

beautiful and then you're in Georgia and I think you forgot that those women are fucking peaches and the white chicks were smoking smoking. If you're young and you're handsome and you're looking for a wife 24, 28

you already went to school I would consider fucking Atlanta there's always something fucking going on Atlanta. That was a thousand things going on and that was us the fucking braves were playing the dodgers i mean it's just the people were out when we drove past atlanta the daytime people were out it's like a fucking town that every time i go to alanda that uh that theater we did in Atlanta two years ago i was blowing the fuck away and i had done

that theater with joe rogan 20 years ago where brendan shop was still fucking fighting the whatever fucking theater in that land i don't know what it is but man that town every time i go there and it's clean, you know, I don't know. I didn't go to the fucking rough and tough areas. I really wanted to go to Gladys Nights' soul food kitchen, but I don't even think it's open no more, and there's always a line and shit like that. So went to the hotel in Atlanta chilled,

and then we went and did that fucking gig, and Atlanta was just, I mean, all the gigs were tremendous. They were just happy. You know, for the first time in 32 years, I really got to see the gift of stand up upon people. You know, it's been a rough fucking couple years. And I agree now. People do need to fucking laugh.

And I made some comments on here a couple months ago, maybe a year ago about people going out and I was wrong. You know, man, I see it now. I got it after I saw that festival. It looked like a rock festival, guys. Look like a fucking rock festival. You know, I went to see Ted with Arrow Smith and Pogo and Frank Marino-Moggany rush in 78.

And while I was sitting there watching Bert and all these guys on stage, that's what it felt like to me. Like, there was so much warmth in those. There was not one problem, guys. There was no hecklers. Fucking Mark Norman did a spot, I think, in Atlanta. He leveled me. Shane Gillis is my new favorite fucking comics.

Unreal this motherfucker, how funny he is. His Trump is fucking Trump. is fucking tremendous. Bert did a tremendous job. Nikki Glazer, fucking had me killing me. She did a joke about fucking, this is so weird

when you watch somebody do this. She did a joke about like guys are so horny and whatever that sometimes she'll just put a hand out and a guy will fuck her hand and she won't even have to move her hand and shit. And after she got on stage,

I go, Nikki, while you were doing that joke, I got a flashback to fucking Tempe, Arizona, 1997. and I'm in a room with some chick and she's fucking teasing the fuck out of me she's doing my coke and stuff

and she showed me like a tit and I was fucking chomping at the bit and before she left she's like I gotta go home and I'm like what the fuck you did my eight ball nothing not even a tit nothing and before she left I go fuck it you don't have to do anything just put your hand like this and let me stick my dick in and she's like

you are stooping to the lowest of life and I go I know that and then she left and I never forgot that night that I asked this chick, can I just put it in your hand for like five minutes? That's when you know you're fucking disgusting. Me and Nikki Glazer were fucking laughing her ass off when I told her to that. Brian Simpson is great. I mean, it was just a great thing.

I'm really proud of Bert, and I'm happy he invited me, and I'm happy I went. I went, I was always on the fence, but if it wasn't fucking you guys, give me the love. And then I went, and I think Bert was taping every time I went up on stage. to get the audience's reaction and shit and all that stuff feels good you know i did okay i wasn't joey d's powerhouse until maybe saturday nights some started coming out i mean it was funny i was writing shit in a notebook all three days and nothing i was writing was working but i'm tell you what happened like i talk about uh the journaling well i was writing jokes now i've been here for two years i can't remember my jokes all of us

sudden they started coming out Saturday night on stage just didn't even and all a sudden I saw the joke like in front of me like the and I'm like okay let's run with this and I ran it and it worked there was two jokes I ran this weekend that were old I didn't think I even remember bits and pieces about them and guys they spit out on my ass like fucking music the sounds are coming it's it's it's really amazing how you have to jog your fucking memory But once it's there, it opens up like a fucking sieve. It just starts coming the fuck out. I tried writing new jokes.

I wrote a tag here, a tag there. But by the time I got on stage, I fucking forgot it anyway. So I just went to what I knew. And Saturday night, I started coming alive. Saturday for me was the show where I woke up Saturday morning. I'm like, guys, I got to push the envelope a little bit. I hit 15 minutes on Friday night. That was my goal.

15 minutes, stay up there, fucking push it out. And then Saturday, my goal was to really have a good set. And Sunday, I was like, I'm going to fuck them up. I'm going to get this down. But then Saturday night, we decided, I mean, this is how cool Bert was. Bert was like, listen, bro, I don't want you in the bus, especially the night to Mississippi because that's a seven-hour drive from where they were at. So do me a favor.

They're going to give you a ride to Atlanta. you're going to stay in a hotel on the fucking airport grounds. You're going to wake up. It's a four-minute drive to the fucking airport to Atlanta. You're going to catch the 11 o'clock flight from Atlanta to Jackson, Mississippi, and then you're 15 minutes away. My family was going to come and see me this weekend. I got family in Mississippi.

You know, I haven't been to Mississippi to do comedy. It had to be like 15 fucking years, so I don't see that. We talk all the time. So that was the plan about Mississippi. I was going to see family down there. I haven't seen them in like 10 years. They came to watch me shoot a movie in Colorado. So I was excited about that.

So Bert was like, just go to Atlanta. Take the fucking flight. We got it. Don't worry about nothing. If you don't want to come at 11, come at 2. I was like, that sounds fucking fair. He goes, 2 will get you there at 3. Not even.

It's an hour change, but it's still going to land at 2 o'clock. Like you take off at 2 and you land that 2. to in Mississippi. So it's perfect. I was like, I can't fucking beat that. But that drive to fucking Atlanta killed me that night.

That 45, 50-minute drive killed me. When I got to the hotel, I started barfing again. I had dry eaves. I'm like, God damn it. And I fell asleep okay. But when I woke up at 8

to take that flight at 11, I got up to pee and I was like, I'm in no fucking danger. I'm going to switch it to the two. So I text them, but I just remembered in my mind that they left Atlanta at 3 in the morning and they had a six hour drive.

So that's seven if they got to stop for gas and all that shit. So they weren't even, they were still on the bus. So I text them. I text the lady who runs the tour and I said, listen, man, I'm going to switch it to 2 o'clock flight. I can't make the 11. It took like an hour to hit me back. She goes, that's fine.

I'll make the switch right now. So she switched it to 2. I took a shower. I had some fucking breakfast and shit. and I went outside and smoked a number to get my head together, right? That's what you do in the morning. I had some coffee, had some breakfast. I want to take a walk around, just to exercise my legs before I took any fucking flight.

And while I was outside, I'm like, I'm not feeling this. I don't feel fucking good at all. And I called the lady, and I said, I'm going to rest for a little while and see how I feel. Then my wife called. And we started talking. She's like, listen, man, if you don't fucking feel good, Just tell them the truth and come home. So I go, but I got to meet my family.

But when I call my family, they were like, hey, we're leaving at about four. And we're getting up there, but the weather doesn't look good up there. I'm just letting you know right now. And I go, okay, whatever. I'm going to take the four o'clock flight, so I'll get there at four, and then I'll make plans to see you or whatever. Okay. When I get to the fucking airport to take the two o'clock, because I couldn't take it no more,

I go, let me just take the 2 o'clock and get it over with. Two o'clock have been canceled. Delta. They canceled. They canceled. The shit load of these motherfuckers. So I told her, I asked the lady, I go, if I missed the 2 o'clock, I didn't give her my luggage either. Like, I had not given her my luggage.

She goes, the 2 o'clock might get care. I'm not going to lie to you. It's going to be crammed because you have the 2 o'clock people waiting until 4. So we're going to do standby and we're going to give, they were going to, giving away $800 to get off the plane. They were given away $1,200 in Newark to get off the plane for a voucher. $1,200 voucher in Newark. But you know what?

You take that voucher. You don't know if it's cash? Because I said cash. And they didn't say nothing. But if they would have told me cash, I'm going to take that $1,200 and gotten the fuck out. I would have come home. Bert, forget about it. Things are bad all over.

I'll see you next week. But they were offering $1,200 on way out of Newark. And then when I got down to Atlanta, they were like, we want, we'll give you eight to get off the plane to go to Jackson, Mississippi. And all of a sudden, me and my wife were talking, she goes, Joey, not for nothing, there's a, there's a two o'clock flight from fucking Atlanta directly into Newark. Get you in there four o'clock. I'm not waiting at this airport until four. Then they cancel me again, and I'm there all fucking night pass. I call the birth people and I go, guys.

It does. I don't feel good. I'm just going to find this bad weather. I'm just going to fucking... I didn't have the energy to fly all the way to fucking Mississippi do the show, but get ready for this. I had two options for Sunday night. I could get on the bus with those savages. Now tonight they were driving seven and a half hours. That was a seven and a half hour drive from fucking that part of Mississippi to Dallas.

and then they were going to get on an 8.30 flight to Newark. Direct, no problems. Or my other option was plan B. I had three plans. Plan B was to fly out of Jackson at 5 in the morning. That means I had to be at the airport at 4 to catch a connecting flight to Charlotte that would put me in Newark at 11.

And if I didn't want to take that, I could take a 6 o'clock flight that would get me into LaGuardia at 1230 or something like that. And I'm like, you know what? Both of those options ain't going to work because I'm not getting fucking stuck on a Monday morning.

And either Charlotte or whatever. And sure enough, they grounded a bunch of fucking flights in Charlotte yesterday. So knock out of woodbitches. When my wife said, get the fuck out of it and come home. I said, you know what, you're right. I did the three shows.

You know, I'm pretty fucking happy. Fuck it. I just don't feel good. That wasn't going to kill me to do that last show. You guys know I hate working Sundays, the whole thing about it. I fucking got on that plane, guys. Let me tell you something. The plane ride was great.

Here's your Uncle Joey advice for the fucking week, guys. If you're thinking of flying this summer, I want you to actually think about where you're going and what it means to you. Because it's going to be a mind fuck. I don't like mind fucks when I fly. Not for the money they're fucking charged. I'm not going to tell you the airlines that fucked me over on Sunday because it makes no difference.

They're all short-handed. They're all using the bottom of the barrel. I mean, it's not like you're going to attack somebody. Who can you say something to them? This is just what happens. These people that had six-hour delays, I would hate to be them, but this shit happens. So wherever you're going to fucking travel to this summer,

make sure it's worth it. Make sure. I'm just telling you right now because they give you, I don't care whether you're in coach or first class. They give you a bottled water, this small, not even a fucking 16 ounce, they give you two Italian cookies and a fucking wafer, Jack.

And that's what you're getting for two and a half hours. And that, oh! And the surprises keep coming. Dog, there were filthy people on the plane. There was a lady who was 60 years old with tats all over her, and she was putting her feet on the fucking wall, and she refused to take him down.

So the lady told her to take it down. I paid for the ticket. I deserve to do this shit. Dog, listen, you gotta have a little fucking class. you can't put your 50, 60 year old, disgusting fucking feet on the fucking wall. She was putting them on the TV, which is really on fucking sanity.

I mean, listen, I've done it. But at my house, not on a fucking plane, you dirty old bitch. So this bitch don't want to take her feet down now and fucking, you know, she wants to argue with the fucking lady back and forth.

And I'm like, lady, I will cut that fucking foot off. Take it down because they're not going to fucking let us fly. This went on for like 10 minutes. This was the beginning. Then they held us on the tarmac for a fucking hour. You're sweating.

Kids are crying. It smells like yin-yng-hing juice in that fucking plane. Then we land in Newark, and they helped me on the tarmac for another hour and 15 fucking minutes, guys. Again, no water, no none. The stewardess comes, I'm sorry, download the app and they'll tell you about your connecting flights. She didn't say download the app 50 fucking time. I finally go, listen, you download the app and find this a fucking gate to get into. Why don't you do that?

She just looked at me and went into the back. She could not handle anything, this poor woman. I was sad. I even apologized to her on the way. I didn't mean to crack a joke, but we're on the plane and out. You're talking about a fucking app? Download an app. Are you kidding me?

I was ready to download a gun to shoot myself in the fucking eye. I'm hearing kids crying that people are thirsty. People are farting. They're getting anxiety. Phones were ringing. Herbie saying the same thing. I'm on the tarmac. 35 fucking minutes now.

So I tweeted. live tweeted there's people dying in this motherfucking shit and two minutes later they took us to a gate that's what you gotta do next time you're on a fucking plane they're fucking with you live tweet live tweet name the name of that airline tell them and I don't like

you hear one person crying fuck it say everybody's crying on this fucking plane because people read that and they don't want you to read that that's the last thing any of these airlines want you to do I see it all the time when people say on Sunday what the fuck is going on like my comic friends

American Airlines were stuck here Then American will jump right in And fucking They don't even have to send the message to them They just put American air that pops up on them I don't know how they control Twitter You know I gotta talk to Elon Musk about that shit These airlines are controlling Twitter

But I text I got on that fucking thing I told them I'm sorry for cracking the jokes She's like don't worry about it And the first they said to me You can't get off the flight unless you're connecting And that wasn't going to work

Like I've been on this flight for three fucking hours these people who are connecting they're done anyway I'm getting the fuck out of it when she asked me do you have a connecting flight to where I go anxiety and I just walked right past

and she knew what time it was I wasn't gonna fucking sit there and I came home and it was fucking great and then I'm sitting here feeling a little depressed I should have stayed and I got a call

they canceled to show Mississippi my fucking family was right the weather was gonna affect them so nobody lost out. The date's going to be redone on September 2nd. And I'll see you motherfuckers in Mississippi

on September 2nd. We're going to make up the date. Then we're coming back here and I think Bert's got Atlantic City this weekend. I'm going to take him to El Nito. I told him I'll do the tour if you go to El Nito because the kids from El Nito really like Bert. Bert's their fucking favorite. So I told Bert you got to come to El Nito. So

that's the plan. And it all worked out. And if I were to fucking not gone because of my stupid insecurities or whatever the fuck I was thinking about I would have fucked up because I had a great time it put me back on the map a little bit on my own

like not back on the map because I'm not touring but it put me back on the map for me. It let me off the fucking hook. You know? I finally got, I have a great summer coming up.

I haven't been excited about a summer since maybe I was a kid. Since I was a kid I haven't been excited about a summer. I never had a summer. summer that I looked at and said, I'm going to have a good time. I'm going to have a good time.

I got four or five dates on the books. I got four at Uncle Vinny's July sold out. I got two at August that are still there. I got a show I'm doing an Asbury Park. I'm doing a show in the city. And then whatever else. I'm going to pop in different places. I don't want to be heavy.

I don't want to work Friday nights. I'm not doing any late shows. And I'm not going to be in a hotel all day on Saturday. So that's it. My residency starts on September 7th. at the Sony Theater. The first two are Saturdays and the next two

Sundays. Wednesdays. I think November 2nd is a Wednesday and December 28th is a Wednesday. It'll be like our New Year's for the year. Who wants to go on the 31st with a bunch of amateurs?

Let's do it on a Wednesday and I get fucked up, spread some laughing gas and have a good time. That's what I plan on doing, guys. I'm having a great time. I'm going to fucking the Ozarks. Right?

Is that where I'm going? North Carolina? some shit like that. I'm going to the Ozarks. Yeah, I'm going to fucking, I'm going with four or five families from the neighborhood. You know, we rented a big house.

So that's my summer. And I'm excited, but I'm excited for the next chapter of my life. I'm happy that I got it all fucking settled. I'm happy that I know what I want to do and what I don't want to do. And that's what we're at, guys. It's just a beautiful fucking day on a Wednesday.

and we're wrapping up here because it's 4th of fucking July weekend and we got shit to do and people to see, you know what I'm saying? I may go down to the Philly game on Saturday. We're thinking about a couple of the softball parents

are thinking of going down there on Philly on Saturday, Friday. I don't know what the fuck we got. We got some Little League All-Star game, softball game. I think tonight and fucking Thursday night. I think I'd like to go down to Uncle Vinny's on Wednesday night this week

because Thursday they have a prize. private party. And I think most of these clubs are closed for the fucking weekend. I love to do a spot maybe Saturday or whatever. But who gives a fuck? It's also my anniversary, man. And it's also my 40th anniversary of not graduate in high school. How's that?

Like this was the week, like last week when I'm in fucking, I think when I was in South Carolina, I looked at the day that was like the 24th. And I'm like, wow, it's official. I think we graduated on June 20th. did not graduate. I went to the graduation because one of my friends was going to shake the principal's hand with a fake hand and then let it go

and the principal was, so I wanted to see him do it. I went down there, I partaked in the parties and that was one of the best summers of my life, 1982. So hopefully I can have a good summer this year and that's it, you bad motherfuckers.

Again, I'm sorry, I didn't have a podcast for you on Mondays on Patreon instead of doing the Joey Diaz project on Tuesday. I did it Monday just to let them know that we're going to be all right. Today I got you guys last night at the Amph Show or Monday night. You know, every time I do an Amt Show, I got 100 more people. So I want to thank you guys for support me on that. But you got to start by downloading the app.

Please, it costs you zero, zero, zero, zero. You just do me a favor. You guys like music. You know, I like music. Last night, we had a great time. We played fucking cake. We played a fake Dr. Dre. Some fucking guy singing,

Mr. Bustup, the fucking guy couldn't shake himself down. I played some fucking good music last night. Some gin and juice. I didn't want to play gin and juice. I played Dr. Dre Day, and that was great. I don't know which song was bad, but man, Amp got a selection of great fucking jams. If you're like me, we've all dreamed of being a fucking DJ

at one time or another. All of us. You know, I grew up listening to N-E-W. I grew up listening to WBLS. I still use one of the lines from W-B-L-S. When you used to check out on Sunday nights, he used to go, I got to take two steps to the rear and get out of here.

I'm in the wind later. I love that shit. And then some guy came on, you could be what you want to be. Do what you want to do. Donate to the church. Some guy used to come on on Sunday nights. That's when I turned that shit off.

but I always remember one of the DJ I loved it we all saw Good Morning Vietnam how fun it is AMP is fucking fun guys you're gonna fucking love it you're gonna knock yourself to fuck out with it the first time I did it was a little on the rubs side

but guys if I could figure it out and I could pick the songs and set the fucking show and shit a person with no fucking eyes could do it that's how stupid I am when it comes to a computer and you do it for an hour and just tell stories tell stories about your favorite songs and how they became your favorite.

Who gives a fuck? This is for all you people that are always complaining that nobody helps you. It's time to help yourself. Download the app. Create your own radio station. Listen, you can talk about sports. I don't care if you don't like music. They have life and leisure shit.

They have entertainment. You can do whatever the fuck you want on there. But get your voice out there. You want it to be heard. For years, you type at people, go fuck yourself. This is your chance. This is your fucking chance This isn't about me

When I found this app I'm like dog I know a ton of guys On my Instagram I'm my fucking Patreon They love fucking music Even if they don't want to listen to me At least you could start your own fucking thing

And it costs you dick There's no excuses You can't do it to an Android right What's a Andrew or UK No Android And no UK yet Let's blow this motherfucker up

And then they'll cater I'm not making a dime on this guys This is a laborer love for me Anybody who creates a program this easy So you can go on there and tell your fucking story What are you fucking kidding me? I'm not making a dime on them I'm just doing it

I think it's fun I think this app is going to go somewhere And I don't have to be honest with you guys By the looks of things I'm going to do this at night This is a great thing to do at night You know maybe I don't want to do it I usually do them at 8 and that's a waste of time

because it's five LA time, so I'm kind of fucking with them. What I think I want to do with it is like maybe a Sunday at 11 so L.A. people can listen to it. Or maybe a Sunday at 10, and I got best of both worlds. California people, you can't watch 60 minutes.

That's when I'll tell Uncle Joy to go fuck himself. I always got to watch my 60 fucking minutes. Anyway, thank you very much for watching the show this week. Again, I'm sorry about Monday. We'll be back Monday, July 11th, But all my action will be on Patreon all week if you miss me that much. But you motherfuckers are going to miss me that much. I love you at all my heart.

Stay black. Have a great weekend. Have a happy 4th of July. Salute the fucking flag. And I'll see you motherfuckers on the 11th of July. Tip Top Magoo. Stay black, cocksuckers. All right, you bad motherfuckers.

I want to thank you. I want to thank my man, Mike, and all you cock suckers for listening this week. Sorry about Monday. I was on the road and busy, but we're back and we're taking next week off, but we'll be back on the 11th of July. This weekend, the join is brought to you by UFC 276 and Draft King's Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner of the UFC. New customers can bet $5 on any fighter and get 100 in free bets win or lose. Whether it's either sign you with a knockout kick or a powerful punch from Keneer, you win no matter what. With Draft King's same game parlay, you could turn a small bet into a big payday.

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and I want to thank CBD Lion for having my back. Stay black. Have a great weekend, and I'll see you guys. in 10 days. I'm gonna miss you cock suckers.