The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #177 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 14, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt rock it solo! This podcast is brought to you by: Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 05/14/2014.

This show is brought to you by dollar shaveclub.com. Get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar shaveclub.com slash church. That's dollar shave club.com slash church. Or just go to Joey Diaz.com and click on the dollar shave club bainer. The show is also sponsored by NatureBox.com, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your food.

Your first order, go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. And this podcast has already started smoking from the Nailed It Life vapor pen. That's why I'm so fucked up. They have the premier vapor pen on the market and can smoke oil and lax out of it. If you mention Joey Diaz, you're going to save 20% on it. Kick that motherfucker league. Kick it.

It's Wednesday. May 14th. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Oh shit. Kick that motherfucker Lee. We love you a long time. What? Hit it Lee.

Kick that motherfucker loudly. I don't want to hear your cough and kick that motherfucker. Kick it, Lee. What do you got on fucking death control? Cucksucker? I'm looking at the lovers, but it's fine. That's what I'm saying. Kick that motherfucker.

Sit at home with my dick. I'm hard. What? Hit it Lee. Wigglefunkle Joe. There you go. May 14th. The day's a good.

devil was gang raped at C at the beach. He went for a beer and look what happened to him. That's why, mind your business. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Kick that, Lee. I'm gonna fucking take your fingers and bite one of those fucking Vienna sausages, your cock-sucket and stop fucking around with the volume.

Sorry, we're late today, Lee slipping. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. If you have any doubts, it's over. Sometimes you wake up in the morning, you know, maybe it's not going to work down. I'm not going to go down there. My ass hurt. Fuck that shit. strap a fucking tie on, shine your nutsack, and get down there.

You understand me? What's up with you, cock liquor? You're already stoned. Yeah. I had a vapor. What the fuck? It's a vapo I gave you. Yeah, full of THC.

And I got another one. I gave you the mild one. Now I got vitamin D. Vitamin D? Debt. That's what fucking vitamin D is. You understand me? Debt.

Why fuck around the morning? You got to go to work. You got to cut people off. You got shit to do. You got shit to do. What's happening, baby boy? How are you feeling today? Feeling good.

I love getting hair cut. I could tell. And you didn't get no moose. I got no hair to put moose. You got to put it. Even though you got a fucking wish, if you're poised, they smell the moose. They go, something's going on. I got to look good.

I got to grow some fucking hair. I wish, like, I wish it was possible with you just to be like, like, you're, what's the person you click your heel three times and you go somewhere? I want to have you appear places that I know will piss you off. I was waiting in line at Supercuts for like 25 minutes. And this guy who was holding me up was like, he took his head, his fingers and was like, part of the hair on this part of the sideburn is too long. And up here, it's too short.

So can you even it out? And I almost killed him. I almost said something. You ever have something in front of you on a line or something you want to stab him? You ever come to that point? Like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. You know what that happens to me at the post office?

Oh, yeah. Fucking post office. You want to, there's some guy in there two days ago. You want to look at stamps. fucking stamps and he's like well you're an adult cocks sucker fucking stamps

what are you gonna do that's something you do for a year and you realize fuck I got a mail the letter anyway I'm gonna sit here looking at fucking stamps I don't need this shit who needs a picture

of a fucking butterfly well you know what I'm saying I need that shit what else it's a beautiful fucking day to be alive you're ready for us

in Texas tomorrow I can't wait you're gonna listen right off the fucking jump we're gonna we're gonna inhale you like a thousand milligrams of THC

on the plane ride. If anybody says hi to me, it's just, I'm not going to, please, like, say hi, and I'm going to be so fucked up,

basically from, what, the entire day? From the time I pick you up to get on the flight to that last flight home, that last flight home, you're going to be sitting

on the expedient section, laying out and shit, people are going to be breathing on, you're blowing fucking air on, you're drinking water. Oh, my God. Your face is going to be red. You're going to have Papa Doles,

popacitos, Mexican food leaking out of you. It's going to be all over. I can't wait to like my mom says, how was Austin? What, you're fucking, why did you even tell her for it? This ain't no fucking tourist vacation. I never left the hotel room. This is the vacation of fucking.

And we're going to go swimming. Okay. You got a little pool over there. We're going to do some exercise on over there. We're going to walk around. I'm going to take it into the beginning of basic training. I like it. You walk into Zach of Debt.

Zach's already got a plan for you. He's got you walking up mountains and shit. He's got a snake pit. In three weeks, you're going to go in there and jump. and down and whatever the fuck. Monday was an interesting podcast. We covered a lot of fucking subjects. You know, yesterday I did something

I've been wanting to do for a long time. And I pulled in my name as Earl and apologized to somebody that I did wrong 30 years ago. You know, sometimes. And it took me a fucking while to do it. You know, I have one of his numbers. But his parents, his mother lives in that house. And I know that if his mother answered the phone

when I call, she'd have a little. heart attack. So I saw he was on Facebook yesterday morning and I wrote him a, you know, sometimes you write somebody a letter and you feel good as you're doing it. You know, as I was doing it, I was crying. You know, I was pissed off. I was a lot of things and I didn't know. They were the family that first took me in when my mother died and I just did a fucking bad job, you know. And between the drugs and confusion at that time, I didn't, uh, didn't pay attention to making it better. And the one guy, his name is Jimmy Bender,

the father, the one I got along with really liked me. I told that story as one of my role models. You know, I've been thinking, it was getting to the point where I was dreaming about it. You know, people say your conscience, you know, your conscience is a motherfucker people. Yeah. And it's not what you think it is.

You know, it's like a slow fucking torture, you know, because you know when you've done something wrong. You know, we're that old at that point. You know, when you do something wrong. I look at my daughter, I have this little fucking ottoman, and she loves to climb on it, you know? But before she climbs on it, she always takes a fucking look at me, like, I'm about to do something.

You know, even as a child, we know we're doing something wrong. Yeah. It's so weird how I'm learning about myself from watching her. I'm learning about life from watching her. You know, I see a lot. Now I remember why my mother used to say things to me from watching her. I took it to a while yesterday. My wife wanted a workout, so I go, you know what?

Let's go to the while. You go work out. I'll throw in that little fucking pen of children that they have there. They have a little pen and the kids play and they watch them. They have books in there. And she ran right in there. She looked at me. She looked at the mother.

She's like, later. And she ran right in there. She played with some blocks and everything was cool. And we left. And I thought she was fine. So I got on the bicycle just to loosen my knee up. And the lady came and, you know, like this. She's crying.

I went back. And the lady goes, you know, Dad's can only stay back here for five minutes. But if she cries again, we got to ask you to come back. And I just turned around. She was like, Dad, don't leave me, so I picked her up. And it's so weird how you learn. Like, she didn't like it.

She just, I know. And my wife, on the other hand, was making excuses for what was her first time? I know my daughter. She just didn't like it. She likes the one at the church. She runs into that one. And this was, like, really weird. Was it because you left her alone?

No, I leave her alone at the church, too. I'd leave her alone over there on Sundays, too, if I'm back. But something, and the lady, it was just too hard to watch. I could tell that the lady had eight kids. It was two women. But on the way out, the woman said something to me. She goes, hey, you have an active daughter. Like, she don't fucking stop.

She doesn't. You know? And when I was a kid, people always say to me, sit fucking still. Like my mom used to yell, sit still, sit still. Now I got to pay. Karma is fucking horrible. Because you will always, they will always, they will always fucking hit you with that

bro karma has a funny way of hitting you with a bill you know karma hits you with a bill a fucked up time you know so as I was you know the idea I'm sitting with it and I go Terry watch this I can't count the four she won't go nowhere

but she just fidgets it's a fucking constant you have like eight months left and it's gonna be yeah she's a constant you know the chain she licks it she makes me lick it fucking sits And I can have Wally Kazam on, you know, every morning. When I get back now, my day just starts.

Because when I get back, she's just waking up. So for me to let her mother get a break in the mornings, I got to sit with her. And I don't mind it at all. And I sit and watch phonics videos. And I got these videos, and I downloaded them. And it's her ABCs. It's the ABCs with the noises. You know, A is for Apple, Apple.

B is for ball. But, ball. And you sit there. But it's interesting because I'm learning shit. You know, I forgot about all this shit. I'm no fucking... B is for B.Aucca. Yeah, I don't know nothing about this shit.

You know, R is for Rifa. Re, re, re, re, for, you know, like, all they give her is bullshit. It's like, you know, rat. Who gives a fuck about a rat? So, unless you go to Pepper Pigs alphabet, that shit's cracking. B, B, B, B, you know,

it's what an English accent, a bunch of people get together. It's fucking tremendous. But, you know, as a child, when you do something fucking wrong, you know? I do. I have a very good time with her. You know, people complain about their kids being stupid. Listen, if your kid's stupid, it's because you didn't put the fucking work in.

You know what I'm saying? You got to start putting the working early. I don't give a fuck. I mean, even when she was in the fucking stomach, I was talking to her about weird stuff, about history. I didn't even know what I was talking about George Washington and fucking black people. I can't wait to see, like, the first homework assignment when you help or work? Do you just be like, what? It's hilarious because I get serious about the phonics.

thing and the fucking numbers and then I got to throw a video for her and I know when she's not attentive yeah first time she turns to look at the candle in my room or look at the fan or whatever that's it you got to switch a video I need for her to be fucking on it you know but getting back to we do we pay for all our sentence people we pay for them through our children it's fucking crazy this I have a lot of worries about mercy because I did a lot of things when I was a kid and I have a lot of fucking accents you know even with Lucy Snorba I tripped it by mistake.

Oh, that happens. No, no, no, no. Listen, I know that the kid things happen. I had a unique thing happening to me when I was about 14. With the girl, with the bicycle, I would tell you about that. And that's one of my biggest fears.

I used to date this girl, Nikki, and the seventh and eighth. She's the reason why I got left back. So this happened in the seventh grade. So I did the seventh grade, left back. And we broke up that summer. So I did left back for nothing. I got left back for a piece of fucking little dry-humping pussy.

And then I had to do the eighth grade. But she was always one year ahead of me. But by the eighth grade, we were just friends. We were just friends, you know. And I would see her on Charles Court, the street next to me. That's where the Iceman's killer lived, Mr. Softie. Yeah. The street next day we show.

We want to another vapor hit, you know. I'm pretty high. You ready for another one? Sure, what the fuck. but she was riding a bike one the story goes the kid next to me Valentin Farrow was a bike thief

he lived on top of the Jehovah Witness Kathy whatever her name was and he was a bicycle thief but his main thing was he was a nerd and he like taking bikes and rebuilding him and that's how he'd get away with stealing all the bicycles if you stole a bicycle you brought it to Valentin within two days the bike was brand new

You didn't even know it was your fucking bicycle New numbers He knew everything He was a smart kid back then Even without the fucking But he, you know He didn't He wasn't a stoner

Sometimes he didn't tighten shit Lee, you're all right Wake up cucks Come back Come back Right now you're at the line of McDonald's Waiting for a fucking breakfast I could tell in your eyes

You had that fucking egg McMuffin look to you And And she was riding I took his bicycle we were on the block. He lived right next door to me, and one day I was riding the bike, and we used to trade a lot of bicycles,

and he gave me a 10-speed. We had all those different style bicycles with the banana seats and shit. This was the late 70s, and he gave me a bicycle that had a, it was a 10-speed, and it had the weird steering wheel. Okay, we had to lean forward?

We had to lean forward. So as I went down my hill, and I made the first left turn, I knew the steering on the bicycle was off. sometimes when you make a turn the tire goes but the handlebar sits there and you're going to go fuck but I just wanted to go play ball

so I rode the bike to Charles Court by the time I made the left I adjusted it and I wasn't going for no fucking you know Cheryl Crow's old boyfriend type of bike ride I wasn't doing no 30 miles I wasn't even going to tent I was going around the corner to play and then I was going right home

but I took the bike and I put it up by Gina Jekone's lawn I put it on the lawn I left it there and we played our game The girl, New Yorker, Nikki, came over, and she was playing with us, and she looked at the bike. I saw a look at the bike. She didn't say nothing, and she saw who was there, and she picked up the bike to try to play with it. And if you know Charles Court, it's a circle. Yeah.

And it goes downhill. It's a big hill. It's a big fucking hill. So she took the bike and started going, we're trying to tell her, Nikki, if you could take the bike, it's cool, but watch the steering. So she kept riding. I could see that. When she was pushing the handlebars, the thing was already loose. And we're yelling at New Yorker, Nicky.

And she goes around the block. So we run this way to catch her. Okay. And when we ran this way, she started going down the hill. She thought we were playing with her. She thought we were playing with her. So she turned, and we came this way. She turned the steering.

The steering didn't go. She went over the handle bars. She fell. She hit her head hard. There was no blood. We picked her up, brought her inside, got us some mice, and she was back outside playing with us in 25 minutes. I did that bad, well, bad ones.

Like, my mom would take us to, like, a band in parking lot or tennis courts, and there's one up a hill. It was a big hill. We only went to this place once, and I just started going down fast. I was like, I'm going fast. I didn't do the brakes, and then I couldn't stop it. Like, my feet came off the pedals, and I went into some thorn bushes, and it hurt like a motherfucker. Did you cry? Probably, yeah.

I was young. With her that day, she flipped over and hit the floor. and fell. And we brought her home. She fucking came back out and played. There was no problem. It was just like Anthony Balzano. I went home, ate dinner,

did whatever the fuck I did, and the next morning. When we got to school, they said that they rushed it to the hospital. She had a blood clot in her brain in the middle of the night, and she was in critical condition. They were holding on to life her. And I always felt guilty about that

because it was my bicycle. She was okay, right? She was okay. I told the story in the Joe Rogan thing. I hit the front of her head. and she got big tits. It hit her in the head. This girl was like a virgin.

It hit her on the head, and she was never the same. She got crazy. They called her crazy Nikki after that. Really? Her tits got really fucking big. She got really sexual, and she would say shit to you.

And then years later, we tried to hook up, but it didn't work out. Now she hates me, I guess. I mean, it's really weird because we were friends for a long time. And about seven years ago, I spoke to another friend of mine,

and she goes, I bumped into Nikki at the doctor's office. She ain't happy with you. And I was like, I don't understand. We were friends for 20 fucking years, and all of a sudden now, well, she thought about what happened, and she said that you went for the steering wheel, and that's why she twisted. We all went for the fucking bicycle. We were stopping from getting hurt. She wanted to ride the bike and make a turn,

and try to evade us, and I feel guilty because of that. Until this day, I have a lot of guilt because of that. She still thinks about it? That's crazy. You know, man, when you really don't have a lot going on, you think of the bad in your life. I never thought she thought about I've had a thousand kid accidents When I was a kid I had a thousand things happen Because of other people

And there's a kid that I was lifting in my backyard one day And I told him to put fives on And he put 25s on without even fucking thinking And when I went to pick up the weight I banged my head and I started bleeding I'm not mad at him I'm not mad at him I didn't look at the weight I didn't look at the fucking weight

You follow me So but you think about things like that When things are going bad in your life I mean, it happened 34. It happened 30 fucking years ago, 35 years ago. Yeah. You win? Oh, I don't think so.

I mean, if I have to, but... You're always aptly. We're gentlemen here. You know, it's the morning. It's fucking eight in the morning. It's 8 o'clock somewhere. And here we are doing our thing, vaporizing, saving our lungs. The flag will be here.

Fucking Monday had an order of a new American flag. I'm pissed off, people. These Israeli flag is here, though. Keeping his fucking warm. But on Monday, the new flag will be in, the microphone will be in. I went to look at couches yesterday. We're going to have a couch to do late-night podcast. We ain't fucking around here no more.

We're never fucking around. But I worry about that karma. I worry about that karma because sometimes you have a thing called sins of your father. So I worry about that karma with my daughter. I worry about a lot of things. But I also have faith. I have faith that the same things that help me. You take a vapea?

I just did. You do another one because you're looking weak. same things that help. Whatever power helped me, whatever power helped me growing up that looked over me because for a couple of years I put myself in a lot of bad predicaments. So the same power that looked over me, I hope looks over my daughter. You know, I lucked out in a lot of ways. Yeah. A lot of guns getting pulled out and shit like that. And I always got to make it out and I got though talking and, you know, that was it. First of all, your mercy is never going to be in that environment. And B, do you think karma, I've never,

even really thought about it, but do you think karma is in effect when you're a little kid? Because little kids don't know anything and they're all so bad. For me, I don't think karma exists until you know what you're doing is wrong. Karma exists. You just don't know it as a child. You don't know it. Karma exists.

You know, listen, you kill a fly on a fucking wall. Next thing you know, you're riding your bicycle, you fall off, you scab your knee. But all kids are so terrible. You think everything better be having. Kids aren't terrible. He's just unknowledgeable. That's my point. There's a big difference.

And, uh, no. I think karma starts in a lot of ways. I know it started for me, young, things I did, things I thought I was getting away with things I was sneaking. You know, Karma, when I was 15, when my mother died, I had a chance to move with Karma and Balzano, or the Benders. Mm-hmm.

Okay. The reason why I picked the Benders was because of leniency, the way they lived. There was no curfew. You know, you came and gone as you wife. I went with the Balsanos, I had to have, I had to go, I had to have a job after work. I had to be home at five after working on Fridays.

The first place you went with your check was to Carmine. And he cast a check for you. He gave you what was yours. He put $10 in the bank. You put $10 into your Christmas club. He took $10 for rent for the house. It was fucking amazing. Really?

Yeah. So I didn't like that. Do I regret that now? It had made me a better person. I pay for that by not living with him. I paid for different things. I wouldn't have gotten away with the drug use that I did if I would lose. So there's little things.

that are karma affected. When karma fucking knocks on your door, it is the weirdest thing because as soon as it happens, you know it. You know what you did. You know what you fucking did. You know, there's cars that

park on my fucking block. There's nothing more I want to do than go to an auto parts store and get the thing to take air out of your tires and take them out of every tire of the people who park in front of my fucking house. You know what? I don't have that time. What if I wake up one morning and if I have a flat.

I don't have that time and it's going to happen when I got to go to the airport. Yeah. So do you understand me, karma? But I learned that later on. You know, karma hit me hard as a young man. Karma hit me hard as a young man. And it even hit me in the sense of cocaine

because there was a point that I would do anything for cocaine. I wouldn't suck a dick or something. But there was a point. Right now I'm writing this book. And there's a, there's a, When you get arrested, I've talked about this, when you get arrested, you go to a diagnostic facility. After you get sentenced, and you take tests there, and they explain to you, after you take the test, it's a softer battery test, it's IQ. And after you take the test, their computers and their people make an assessment of you.

And this is a very scary assessment. I didn't even know that that existed. I just thought you were taking tests and putting fucking blocks and cubes, you know, like when they ask you questions, like in the arm, I'm getting. I'm going to show you this picture. What do you think about? A bloody pussy, you know, all that shit. Then they make assessments.

The assessment that was made with me was that I had a high IQ and if I wanted something, I took it. And in those ages, I'm not kidding you, if I wanted something, I took it. And I didn't know till they told me this in this report. And they're not supposed to tell you. I just became friends with the counselor. And one day he explained to me, but I was very upset when he explained what he explained I didn't like what I heard. But then as I was leaving, he explained to me that that's not what the paper said.

That if I looked, the paper said if I wanted something, I could get it. If I wanted to be a doctor, if I went to school, I could get it. We all have that ability to go get whatever the fuck we want. It's just to slow us up. Hearing that, fuck me up. Just hearing that I could do it, thinking that I couldn't, fuck me up for a while, you know. But the karma of it was that,

Whatever you do, Lee, like that thing, I robbed that poor Kent Vela. And I remember the first night we picked up 18 grand, you know, like 19 grand or something like that. And I'll never forget that the attorney bill for that robbery was 186. So I think I made 18,000 on the whole robbery. So I lost six months. I lost $600 and two years of my life, three years of my life by doing that crime. karma never fucking forgets. Even for a long time when I was trying to be a better person,

I was still running into little difficulties because of the karma I had created. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like it's just really weird. Karma does fuck with you. You know, it fucks with you when you fuck with people's emotions. You're going to yell and scream.

You're going to get into arguments of people. That's going to happen. But when you do things to people that are, you're wrong to do, you pay for those things, man. Well, what about like, so, Now you've had, what, five good years, three good years? I don't know what you want to put it at. I've had 51 good years.

Well, five positive good karma years, I would say. No, I've had like 15, 14, because once I got arrested, I was very lucky. I learned about karma 28. Okay. So once I got arrested, I knew. But then I learned a different facet of life. I learned the facet that even though I wasn't doing harm to people, I was doing harm to myself.

And sometimes when you do harm to yourself, karma also strikes out of you. That's a very difficult one to fucking deal with. You know, when you do drugs and you don't take care of yourself, when you, you know, we all have responsibility to ourselves that I never knew about it as a human being. I never fucking knew about it. We all are responsibility to, you know,

these people get clean and sober, and then they brag about it and they come show up to your house with a gallon of water. Oh, I just came back from the gym. It feels so great to go, you know, you're not supposed to be. be doing drugs anyway. Right.

You know, there's things that you pay for that you do to yourself and then you have difficulties in your life. You know, we had a discussion a couple weeks ago about an individual, you and I, who is about, he's walking in to life. When I say you're walking into life is, life is about to start. The downside of life is about to start. divorces and divorces. See, you get divorced, okay?

People don't get along. People don't get along. People are not going to get along all your life. People are not going to get along. But a divorce is a bigger level than you going in high school. You know, like when you date a girl in the eighth grade and, oh, no, we're not going to date no more. Why? I don't know.

I want to be free. And then you invite her over and you put Bon Jovi on, you know, say goodbye. Never say goodbye. and you hold hands and all your friends like, what are you going to do? Well, that magnifies to a higher level. When you get the fucking married, when you get married and you get separated.

Yeah. Or divorced, it hits your psyche a different way. So now it's not the divorce that fucks you up. It's the reaction to the divorce. It's the drinking. It's the arguing with her. It's the how you act towards different people. You know, they say a divorce is just as fucking bad as a death.

that it takes you that much to mourn a divorce as it is to more of death. You grew up through one. Yeah, well, I didn't... My parents didn't get divorced until my last year high school, but I wish they'd got divorced earlier. You felt it. Oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, you feel it. And they knew. And they were like, oh, well, we did it. We thought it was better for you. And I, honestly, I don't think it was. Like, honestly, even though you don't talk to Jackie right now, if you had stayed there... I would have been a different person.

Well, you would have been a different person. You have no idea what was doing to me. It's terrible for kids to go through that. Exactly. Exactly. You have no idea the guilt I lived with when I lived in Boulder. I lived in guilt because I know what it is to be in a house where there's yelling. Yeah.

If you grew up and you're in a house that's fucking yelling, you know what that is. And even worse than yelling is quiet because it's like uncomfortable. Uncomfortable. You're fucking, that's a great point, man. It's really weird. Yeah, yeah. That's what happened in my house. It was the quietness.

My mother, my stepmother, and my dad's relationship, fuck this up. You know, it does because you don't know what's going on. You don't know what like to stand on. Here in an early age, you're un... How do you say that? Like, unconsciously having to pick a side. Yeah, yeah. And that fucking is torture at that fucking age.

That's torture at that age. But now think of it as an adult when you're living through it. And we have a friend that's going through a divorce. I have a friend that's going to a divorce and I was telling Lee about it that I love him dearly, but I just see the beginnings of the downfall because he's throwing alcohol on it. He's staying out now. He doesn't have to go home no more. So he's doing drugs. He's already banging a chick. You could see where it's going. Yeah. You know, want me to tell you what my lucky thing was when I got divorced, honest to God, guys, I was in such bad shape.

I was in not physically. Physically, I was in great shape. I was a roofer. I had a cat. I had to carry sheets up, 90-pound rolls, up fucking ladders, and I hit the bag every night. It was in great shape physically. But what was I going on? Why it was good for you after? What was good for you after the divorce? Because I knew one thing about it.

I knew that I had hit rock bottom. As far as I'm concerned, when you get divorced, you hit rock bottom. You hit rock bottom emotionally because you failed at something. Okay, let's say there was no kid involved. Will the divorce have, would you have hit rock bottom? rock bottom? Yeah divorce is rock bottom with the kid or without a kid because you failed at something.

Okay. At the end of the week you couldn't keep something together. You could not keep something together. And that wasn't because you're fucking retarded. It was because you didn't do the work in the fucking beginning on the relationship. Sometimes we eat her pussy. She lets you fucking come on her neck. Bam, we're

in love. That's it. These are all the requirements I fucking need. Boom, you give her a ring. You keep fucking. You keep going on on dates. and all of a sudden you get married, you live together, and there's a fucking realism. This bitch is fucking dirty. She don't change toilet paper.

It takes a fucking eight months to fucking change the do the laundry. You know, you have faults too. Tuesdays and Thursdays, you want to wear your Vikings fucking shirt on and sit on the couch like a fucking jerk off. You know, you got to play fucking terny darts and shit. So we all have these faults. We all bring. And when you're 21 or 25, you can't fucking,

you won't even think of change it. You're that stupid that you don't even think of going, what the fuck am I doing with a bunch of guys shooting darts for? Am I fucking retarded? Like I'm over there like Robin Hood, throwing fucking darts drinking beer instead of my wife needs me or whatever because if you know in those things, you've got to work on it.

There's a thousand things I like doing, guys. There is a thousand things I like doing. There's a fucking jihitsu class at 4.30 I'm dying to go to. Tonight, there's a 7.30 I'm dying to go to. But I'm home. And you have to have those responsibilities. You have to have your time and you have to have their time. If not, you end up fucking divorced.

Yeah. These are the things about a relationship that you will end up fucking divorced, you know? And that's not even throwing the thing in that some chick shows your fucking pussy next door or whatever. That's not even throwing that in. Once you throw that in, wake up Lee Coxucker. I'm awake. Once you throw that fucking factor and then your mind starts racing. You follow me?

So it's, it was really, I'm telling you, man. I don't wish divorce on anybody. I don't wish a lot of things on anybody. Yeah. But you ever have somebody? Well, they got a fucking story every day. Oh, yeah. Have you ever been around somebody who's got a story every day?

And he's a nice person. And something's always happening. That means he's doing something against himself. When I was doing the blow, I had the worst luck in the world. Worst luck in the fucking world. Because I was doing something against myself. So when something happened, I expected it. to happen. You know, I used to miss flights.

I used to forget auditions. I used to forget little fucking things when I was, I didn't forget them. I didn't forget them. I was thinking about cocaine. I was thinking about how I was going to get my hands on the fucking powder. So that's why I never, you know, you blow that shit off, man. Right. That's crazy. I mean, thank God. I'm really lucky that A, I didn't have a drug thing. I've never had a drug thing. and B, just with the marriage thing,

I thank God every, like, I didn't marry someone I was dating in high school because I, yeah, it's just, it's, I can't imagine how, like, how much we've changed. I look at their Facebooks, I'm like, what the fuck if I was with that right now? Well, it's not about what person looks like after high school, whatever. It's how you flesh with, how you mesh with that person,

and what's going on and what's crackleck and can you put up with their fucking farts? You know, there's so many aspects It's like being in a band When I see a band that's done five albums I buy their album even if I don't like their music Because it's such an accomplishment to stay together It's five different personalities that have to click You're available Sunday at 2 o'clock?

Yeah, yo Joe, you're available Sunday 2 o'clock? Yeah, you're available Sunday at 2 o'clock? Yeah, Mike, call Mike, see if he's available. I got my kid on Sundays. Boom, back to the fucking drawing board. Now I got to get a fucking whole new day to rehearse. It's five personalities. marriage, you have two of them.

Before I leave the house in the morning, I ask her, what do you got on the plate today? So when I'm driving, I'm really thinking about our day. I know I've got to spend time with them. I know I got to spend time with her. And then I have a window. This morning my wife is leaving at 9. I have a fucking window. So that means I got to do kettlebells outside.

And I got to go over my book, and I got to call Jessica, the girl that's going to help us with the book, and put this together. And you're right. You had a good idea. This book is brought to you by the church of what's happened now. And I understand what you were saying last week, Lee. I didn't understand what you were saying.

I was like, what the fuck is Lee talking about? Sometimes, Lee, I'm not. I got a thousand things going on. It's 9.30 at night. I've already been mind-raped. By 9 o'clock, your mind's been raped if you're a human being. If you're a real human being and you have thought and you have challenges in your life

and this striving that you want to do, I don't ask people questions at 9 o'clock at night. They'll try to present the fucking deal with them at 9 o'clock at night. It's weird to me because I don't get started until then. Like, last night, I almost called you at 11 o'clock, because I had, like, a bunch of ideas. No, no, no, no, I'm the same way. I just don't present them to nobody because I understand where your mind has been all fucking day.

I mean, by fucking 5 o'clock, your mind is stressed out. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. You know, you've already worked. You've already planned a weekend. You know, you're thinking about who's going to pick up your kid. You're thinking about going to soccer or jiu-jitsu or whatever the fuck you do with your life or to the gym. You know, so 9.30 is just your mind is, you know, you have all these fucking things in your head, you know what I'm talking about? Right.

What the fuck? What the fuck? Were you ready for another vapor hit? I'm okay. How you doing? So you're ready for the weekend? Oh, yeah. We'll get some barbecue and do some nice walking in there, bring your sneakers, bring a bikini.

Okay. What a fucking scrub your back, bring some gel. You don't look at my... You never been to Texas before? No, I've only driven through Amarillo, that very top weird part, that skinny part on the way back and forth from L.A. I always have a problem with Texas Why? When I leave I go, fuck, why don't I have Olivia? Really? Is that good?

It's that good. I'm a big fan of Texas. I do like the South. Is it the same as Like when I was driving through the South, everyone was so nice. Everybody's very nice. That's so cool. I was very surprised the first time I went to Texas. What I anticipated and what I got

with two different fucking things. You know, being from New York. Yeah. And growing up being a Dallas Cowboy fan and watching all that, I expected to be around a lot of white people with big cowboy hats. You know what I'm saying? Like big fucking white people that spoke a certain way and they were very... I thought everybody from the South was either a cowboy or Tom Landry.

You know, like Tom Landry, how? You know, Tom Landry? He was the coach of the Dallas Cowboys. Pump him up. Okay. He'll pump him up on his picture. Tom Landry was a man's man. He didn't laugh.

He didn't giggle. He just knew how to do one thing. And that's win championships. Oh, okay. Fucking Savage. You see him... Back in the time when they wore suits on the sidelines. Suits and a hat.

Look at that. motherfucker, that dude was bad to the bone. And then they had a guy named Bum Phillips in Houston, Texas. Now, look at what Bum Phillips looks like. Bum Phillips is a real fucking badass redneck. That's my motherfucker right there. His son's a coach right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

His son's a coach of the general broncos, the secondary, and shit like that. Forget his son. His son's like a Pundeefling. His name is Bum. Bum motherfucking Phillips. He died recently. You know, when I was a kid, I'd sit there at night and I'd watch the Houston fucking oil is playing.

with Earl Campbell. Yeah. And at the stadium, if you ever see an Earl Campbell 30-30, a documentary, you got to watch it. When they took a shoe off and he still ran for the touchdown. But Monday nights,

I used to watch the Houston Oilers, whoever the fuck they played on Monday night football, and I would sit on the phone with this kid, Wighty O'Donnell. And we'd sit on the phone and we'd tell people how someday we're going to go to Houston, man.

We're going to go to Houston, and tear it out. We were like 12 and 13. And you would see the Houston Oilers. fans with these little bonbons and it just does something to you. It makes you think of fucking America. Like, that's it. This is it, man.

This is fucking it. Yeah. So, you know, my anticipation, the first place in Texas I ever went to was Houston to do comedy. And it was mind-blowing. It was really mind-blowing. You know, it's mind-blowing the people, how buck-fucking crazy they are. Like in Houston, Texas where, you know, Doug Stanhope taped the CD in Houston, Mitch Hedberg, taped the CD in Houston,

Tom Rhodes, taped the CD in Houston. The list goes endless. Doug Stanhope caused drama in Austin. They shaved his balls on stage at the same club we're going to be at. They shaved his balls? This happens in Texas because this is Texas. Okay.

Okay, if you go to fucking Houston and you get on stage, I have said things in Houston. Things have come out of my fucking mouth in Houston that has shocked me. I became a comic in Houston. Like, I traveled a lot. I became a comic in Texas.

Between Houston, El Paso, and Dallas, it taught me how to hone my skills because I'd see these fucking Gentiles, and they're just as crazy as me. What are you looking at Lee? What the fuck? You're looking at microphones and shit? They were just as crazy as me, Lee.

And there's nothing better than that. When you see somebody and your mind says, oh, this guy's not going to like my fucking eating an asshole joke. And all of a sudden, you look at him as you're saying, and he's hitting his wife telling him, get ready when we get home. I'm going to eat your fucking asshole like this chubby fucking Cuban or this Italian.

That's Texas. I have seen things in Texas. I have done blow in Texas for three, four days and gotten up and eating the fucking Kalachi and went right back to business. Everybody in Texas is fucking crazy you have to assume. When you're in Boulder, when you're in Boulder,

when you're in Houston and you say shit, and all of a sudden, like he talked about killing the big, and putting a cowboy hat in her asshole, and they're laughing. And then you say something about Bush, and the room goes quiet. It's fucking amazing. Really? Yeah, they'll take the ride with you in Texas. Texas is one of the coolest fucking spots in this country.

And if you don't know that, you better fucking strap on a pair. Yeah, Colorado's cool, people are smoking dope, and everybody stinks like butchugi juice, and New York is this. Oh, Connolly is fucking tremendous. But there's something about Texas that even at the fucking fucking... fucking airport. Like, I'm already thinking if the fucking

breakfast spot is going to be because every airport in Houston... You know, if you go online right now, if you go online at home right now and you look for restaurants and you just fuck around with restaurants at airports, they have a list of the top

restaurants at airports. You know where L.A. is? They're not even on the fucking list. They don't have any food at that airport. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing, guys. They don't have a fancy restaurant. They have Camacho.

but it's in the southwest terminal. But if you fly American or virgin, there's nothing to eat. Nothing. UGatz. Burger King, Moul Lampre, some fucking cold sandwich hanging there.

It's a piece of dough hanging there with lettuce and wet mozzarella. It looks like a fucking... Whatever, don't it? It looks like shit. But when you go to fucking Houston, Texas for breakfast, they got papacitos.

When we go to Austin, I don't know who the fuck they got, but I know they're going to have somebody who's got good breakfast burritos. It was heat. Oh, shit. A beer, a bloody marry. You know, it's just something.

I went to college in Colorado, and I never regret it. I loved the beauty of Colorado. But I think I would have fit in a little bit more at the University of Houston. I think I would have fitted more. I don't know if I would have fit in more at the University of Texas and Austin. I had a couple good friends that went in. They're pretty nice. They're very nice and reformed people.

But there's just something about Texas, man. I'm excited. I don't, you know, I don't go to Houston or Dallas no more. I tried to get to San Antonio. they told me some stories. So the only thing I have is fucking Austin. So if we don't see each other, the flying juice coming this weekend, come on down. Come on fucking down to Austin.

I'm telling you right now, man. Get a hotel room. Get a room somewhere. They got hotels everywhere. You know, enjoy Austin for all this. I heard it's awesome. It's awesome. It's awesome, Lee.

This is, you know, I get excited about going to towns because I know the beauty in every fucking town. Whether I go to Houston or fucking town. in Grand Rapids, Michigan, or fucking, you know, Syrac, I find the beauty in each town. I look forward to it. It must be pretty cool being a stand-up when you're traveling, because the thing that sometimes I dislike about traveling is, I don't like...

Sometimes I like it, but a lot of times I prefer not to do touristy things. But as a stand-up, you have such a huge chunk of your day where you could be, like, a local, because you're there for four days. I'm there for four fucking days. And it used to be six. And the biggest, you know, I don't... have fucking anger in my heart and I understand it sometimes and I'm very sorry for it just the way life turns out but one of the things that sparks that anger is when I hear people putting down

the United States and they're talking about other parts of the world and I know they're beautiful also but do me a favor before you travel the other parts of the states go to Kansas go to fucking Topeka go to where the University of Kansas is Lawrence you know there these neat little fucking towns Ashland North Carolina you know downtown not Detroit Jesus Christ They've worked out on fire. But, you know, they've done all these things with these great fucking cities. Billings.

I was in Billings last year to shoot a fucking commercial. I went to Billings 20 years ago to fucking do a comedy. And now I was back in Billings. It's beautiful. These places are small town fucking USA that you go to and you pull in, you get a diner, and people talk to you. And you're like, wow, there's life outside of Texas

or there's life outside of L.A. Yeah, we have major fucking cities in this country. And they're beautiful. fucking what they've done with Baltimore. What they've done with Baltimore, they can never shoot the wire in Baltimore now. I mean, you know, they just do these things with these little cities,

and they're doing them with little cities. You know, they're doing them with little... My friend says Red Bank, New Jersey, is fucking beautiful now. They've done some great things. Please give these places a fucking chance, man. Give these places. I am so fucking grateful

that I have seen the places I've seen in this country. Any fucking idiot could go to Hawaii, man Any fucking jerk off could go to New York Any fucking man Fucking moron could go to fucking L.A. But something about going to Riverton, Wyoming Or something in Wyoming

And seeing those mountains and talking to different people That's when you fucking realize That's when you start caring about this country That's when you go, holy fucking shit These people exist, man This isn't just television These people live in a city where there's 80,000 people,

a small city, whatever the fuck you call them, township. I don't even know. I'm not that fucking politically, whatever. But they've gotten a Starbucks. You know, Santa Fe, New Mexico. Yeah. They've gotten a Starbucks. They've got the Dunkin' Donuts.

You know, they've done something with their downtown. And okay, it's not fucking a 2.2 mile downtown radius with Morton Steakhouse. But it is what it is. It's these people that are putting up independent shops, which is what this country was built on, man. You know, when we got up in the fucking mornings, we had to, we had, you had the choice in this country

that fucking go and work for some fucking jerk off, who gives you 50 cents every two years or whatever the fuck it is, or you have a chance to go to a bank and go, Lee, how much money do you have in the bank, man? I don't need money. I just want to start a business. What is it, Joe? I want to start a fucking printing business.

We can make money in this town, you know, and you look at each other and you go, yeah, but how much are we going to make? So what? Even if we both walk away with 40,000, it's our town. It's our business. and we're helping the town out

and we're paying taxes, we're part of the Chamber of Commerce, but people don't see that. People overlook that stuff because they want to be cool at a cafe. Nobody fucking ever says to you that they went to, you know, this small town in South Dakota.

I did. You know, I did. I've been to fucking, the Traverse City, the festival of cherries. You know, who the fuck goes to the festival of fucking cherries when they hung over on Blow?

You know, me, you motherfucker. because I wanted to have hope, man. I like having hope. I like seeing fucking white people mingling. Oh, my God, this cherry is sensational. You know what I'm saying? I like seeing white people minglingling. I love it.

I've been to places in this country. I've been Watertown. I've been to places that nobody knows about. And they're fucking beautiful, man. And people think that a guy like me or that most people would laugh at those places, there's times I look around. I'm at the park yesterday, and I'm looking around.

I'm looking at 30 fucking kids. I'm looking at a sign that says, put your dog on a leash and people with their fucking leashes off, people shitting with their dogs. And I'm like, you know, man, I'm in Studio City, California. These people have class. Yeah. These people work hard.

They have money. Supposedly. Supposedly. And they still have no fucking class. Yeah. So what's the next move for me? I want to go to a small place, you know? I want to go to a suburb outside of Nashville.

I like to go to, you know, these are the places that when you look at as an American, like, let's say you're headed. from, I don't know, man. Let's say you're headed from fucking Tennessee to South Carolina, the Myrtle Beach South Carolina. Have you ever made that run? No. No, nobody

fucking does. Guess who? I have. Let's say you're doing that run. Yeah. You know, there's going to be towns in between. When you pull over. I don't know the names. I can sit here and go home tonight and tell you names of them on fucking Monday where I've been. I took a ride from Tennessee when time the Myrtle Beach North.

I stopped at three places to eat. All of them were fucking nines. Oh, yeah. And all of them I overtipped, and all of them I gave the lady a hug because she made me laugh. You know, she offered me a home-made piece of pie. She gave me a sample of a meatloaf. How's the meatloaf today? Hold on.

Let me get you a sample. Really? Yeah. I looked at something very interesting the other day online. There was a map of the country, and it was a population density, and it was bright red on the coasts, and nothing in the middle. Absolutely nothing. And the older I get, I think I'm looking for apartments and I'm

lucky to find a decent place in an okay area. The minimum is $1,100. Gas has never been higher. If I can find a place in the middle of the country with a movie theater, a store, a restaurant, and maybe a comedy club,

but even just a movie theater, within 20 minutes, and I can pay $500 for a one-bedroom, that seems almost better. And you could drive your bike down and talk to people, and you know the guy's named down the corner. Yeah. And if you forget your wallet at home, you can look them in the eye and go, hey, dog.

And you know what? It's so weird how I got an email yesterday from somebody, and they said that, I didn't understand, they said that they thanked me for not becoming part of the corporalization of comedy. Okay. They're incorporating comedy now that if you don't know it, And I didn't even look at it that way because of the podcast and how we're not a part of anything

and how that this is the last frontier for free comedy. I don't even know if I'm saying it right. Sounds good. I don't want to say the guy's name. I never thought about it that way. He says that now we have nothing really. We're losing arts. We're losing the arts to, you know,

he goes right now rap is going through that. There's no more gangster rap. This guy wrote a tremendous fucking article that there was no more gangster rap. Gangster rap is gone. It's the corporalization. Yeah, fuck you. And he goes, now get ready for the corporalization of comedy now,

and it's already starting with television. You see it. And he talked about me, how a guy like me could go untouched, that nobody would even talk to me or whatever, and they got shows that are miserably full of failing. And it was a great email, and I like to read it.

He was just saying to thank you. Thank you for what we do. Thank you for saying the words. we say sometimes, you know, and the objectives and the honesty. I couldn't do this if I couldn't fucking tell the truth. I'm done. I'm done. Somebody asked me, why are you so open with these fucking people?

You know why? Because if I'm open with them, I don't want anybody ever feel the way I felt in my life. I feel every fucking day like I'm not good enough. Every fucking day I wake up, even now. Every fucking day, dog, I wake up. I'm not part of that clique. But these down inside, I want to be part of that fucking click. If I was part of that click, I would sell my soul like that.

Well, there's nothing worse with a podcast, because you couldn't tell. You spent so many hours with him. Like, Arr Ghafir isn't a famous movie store or anything like that, but I was nervous when I met him because I had spent a hundred hours to 500 hours listening to them. So you know, you get to know people. And there's nothing worse than listening to a podcast when you can tell someone's trying to do like a podcast. trying to do like a Jay Leno talk and like if they maybe oh I don't want to talk about that

or let's not say that person's name it makes it's a like I almost have to stop I have to turn it off and it's getting to that point because this is what the podcast is doing I can't do I couldn't deal with it 10 years ago

I would wait I would watch somebody on an interview and the interview is great but it didn't tell me anything of what I want to know I watched. I always wanted to know what they said when they leaned in. Right, right.

Well, that's what America always wants to know. It's funny how, uh, one of the best interviews I've seen it. How I learned to podcast. Let me tell you what made me understand podcasting. Listen, for years, man, I hate social events, people. Do you know I got invited to the Spider-Man two premiere? I've bailed. I got them.

Why? These are things I don't tell me. people. I get invited to any movie I do. I got invited to the trip tank premiere. I'm the trip tank, the cartoon I did on Comedy Central. Yeah. I got invited to the Mark Maron party and the whole thing. I don't go to any of those things, people. You know, I suffer from something. I don't know whether it is retardation of fucking being around

a lot of other people. Part of it is I don't feel fucking good enough. And you know what, 90% of the people that listen to this podcast don't feel good enough about themselves. It's not because we're fat or Mexican or Cuban or we're black or we're fucking Chinese. A shout out to my Manchung. I don't know what it is. It's just sometimes you just don't feel adequate. And we do things to come up to par.

I just never felt comfortable in my skin being around those people because they're talking about movies and films and all this. And I'm thinking if they knew 20 years ago I was in the cell next to three black guys that had just been stabbed yelling and screaming all fucking night, they wouldn't talk to me. Or at least that's what I feel in my heart, that they wouldn't really... think that this was many years later? Still know that. Still, I know how I feel.

You know, this is what I'm saying to. You have to, I live paranoid, but that's why people are walking around in shock. Oh my God, we can't believe Donald Sterling said this. Do you see what a controversy is started? Now Magic is getting involved with the Hiv. Well, it's, I was talking about this

for someone last night, and they say, well, it's a slippery slope to take someone's property away for the thoughts. And it is, but the thing is, Twitter and Facebook is very new, and they're going to, they're starting to do, they're going to have to start building laws because of it. And it's the same reason my podcast is getting corporatized because TV sucks, and they're starting to make money this way. So anything new is going to run through that thing.

So, I mean, yeah, Donald Sterling, you shouldn't take something away from what people say, but he said it so it was so terrible. Oh, he keeps getting himself into a deep, deep hole. And it's the first one, so yeah. If anybody doesn't know, he's a fucking old man. Yeah. He's a fucking old man that's got billions of fucking dollars. Listen, man, it's just a... I don't like this whole fucking thing,

but that's not what we're talking about here. It's so weird how... This is why this podcast works. This podcast works because I'm not condescending. I'm not here fucking telling you what you need to do. We're all pieces of shit. We're just working ourselves to fuck up. At least I am.

I didn't go to social events. I fucking hate it to me. Fucking hate them. You know, when I got the longest yard since I was with them all, the time in Santa Fe, I'd have to go to their parties. Yeah. And I would go, show up, eat something, and without even saying goodbye,

Grudge Match party, it's New Orleans. I was there the first night. I flew in for the fucking party. I went to the party, took two bites of the fucking sausage and the gumbo. And the next day they were like, you miss De Niro, you missed the loan, you miss Kim Bastian. It was great. I was in my room smoking fucking dope, you know. I don't really notice that the comedy clubs, like, I like saying hi to people,

but every time it's a way Where's Lisa Hyatt? It's because I don't want to stand right in that crowd Like I always go off to the side a little bit Because like even just that big of a crowd Even though everyone there In theory everyone there likes me And it would be nice

I just I go to the side of the bad Sometimes I wouldn't go So one night I'm watching David Letterman And my boy is on there Pirate of the Caribbean Yeah Just happen to catch him And for years people go

Can I have tape on your comedy? And I go no Why not? I don't have none. I don't have tape of me in my house. I don't want taping me in the house. I don't want to hear me. I don't want to hear me.

I don't want to do nothing. There's times people play something me and I'm in the room. I have to look the other fucking way, bro. It's like getting a needle. I don't want to see me on stage. I don't want to hear me on stage. I don't want to do none of that shit.

Lee, tell these people. How many times I've said, I've given you a DVD and said... You give me every DVD. And you're like, what do you think? Take a look at it. I don't fucking know. I don't even want to see it.

I don't even care what you put up half the time I don't want to see me man I don't want to see me and I'm watching Pirate of the Caribbean Now I don't want to see me because I don't want to see my fucking face I don't want to hear my voice I want to see my stomach I don't want to see my short little fucking arms

I don't want to see me Then you got a guy that looks like what's his name What's the Pirate of the Caribbean Johnny Depp? Johnny Depp so fucking David Letterman goes How does this new movie look have you seen it? He goes nope He goes what do you mean you haven't seen your movie

He goes listen bro once I shoot I fucking shoot there's actors that shoot and then they have to call time out and go look at the dailies the dailies is the film that they just shot so whatever footage so if I'm saying the way at Lee suck my dick cut boom we'll go look at how I look

it's even easier now because it's digital right it's digital so people are like oh I gotta move my hand I gotta do this he said excuse me he goes I don't even look at the fucking dailies David letterman was like you're the star of the movie you don't watch the dailies no and he goes what about

After they do the movie? Do you go watch it? No. What do you do at the premiere? He goes, I walk in, as soon as the movie starts, I walk out. That night made me so fucking happy because I realized I was okay.

Right. Well, he might want to start watching his stuff because he's been doing movies for 30 fucking years. Eventually, your shit's gonna fucking suck. You know what I'm saying? Even A-Rod, you can't stay on top forever. Poor A-R-R-R-R-You can't stay on top forever,

cocksucker, the church of what's happening now, people. joining us today. May 14th, grab your socks, brush your teeth, comb your hair. Today's your lucky fucking day. You might get a job, you might get a promotion, you might get your dicks up. If you're a beautiful woman, somebody might stuck their tongue up your little muffler today. It's Wednesday. Anything can happen today. What if that all happened at once? If you watch the Mickey Mouse Club today is Wednesday, you know what that is? What? Anything can fucking happen today. So fuck it. Make it happen in your goddamn favor.

Were you a big Mickey Mouse Club fan? I was a big everything fan. I'm a fucking moron. You know, Mickey Mouse, Superman, Spider-Man, Popeye, whatever the fuck they were offering, I was getting, because I didn't know how to speak the language. I wanted to be a fucking American, you know what I'm saying? The flag is coming. We're all going to fucking be going back to basics again. You understand me?

Basics starting next fucking week. Saluting the flag every morning. Telling the fucking, we're all God-Fucking-fearing Americans. You understand me? Like Clint Eastwood, outlawed Josie Wells. What, Lee, what? I just, because we exchange tables in the poor sales guy, at the desk place was so thrown off,

but it's coming in. And I just, as your karate chopping, I'd send this image of you going straight through the table. I'm going to go straight through the fucking table one day. I'm working on my cheap powers as we speak, cuck suckers. We can't return this. We'll go talk to my supervisor. We're going to fucking return.

What are you got playing for the weekend? Oh, you're going to be fucked up all weekend with your Uncle Joey. You understand? I can't wait. Down there and beautiful. Whatever the fuck part of Texas that is, Austin, Texas. Now, if you live there or if you are a good barbecue person, tell me what to get. Me?

Well, yeah, I was saying the people. Everything. But what? Everything. Do you get what? Ribs. Okay. You get the fucking sausage.

You got everything. Potato salad. The white bread. I love potato salad. They're going to give you a pound of fucking white bread. Why? Because you eat white bread as you're eating. Oh.

Just stuff you, the carbs, everything. Listen, this is the last temptation at least I at. Okay. So make it work. You're not even going to see Paula the next month. He's got a plan. You're going to be running Saturday and Friday nights. Oh, God. That's it. It's over.

Okay. He's going to charge you 25 a day, four days a week. You're going to work out. Okay. He already told me the party's over. And I told him that you're willing to let him sleep on your floor so he watches your diet. He's going to change your diet around. He's going to move in with you for a few weeks to talk. He's going to be your own personal Mike Dolce, Zach.

I love it. How do you think about that? No more fucking around. You got to put jell on your hair. You got to brush your teeth. No more fucking. And right from here, he said he's going to show up here. And he's got to just park up the corner, just bring your sneakers.

Okay. You're going to do laps around that park. There's a park up here? Two blocks up from right next to, right next to any of the house. Okay. So as you're running, you can smell the onions. That's momentum for you. By the time you go home, you'll be puking fucking onions, cock sucker.

Gross. I love it. I love it. I'm feeling better. I go for my MRI on Tuesday. Next Monday, the 19th. I went to Jiu-Jitsu Monday with up at 10th Planet Van Nu. I saw Hassan up there.

I saw Alder. I trained with salami. I got to tell you, man, I hate to fucking be honest at you people, but the not smoking has really helped me. And, uh, you know,

I know a lot of people like, Joey, what the fuck? How are you not smoking reef? I'm smoking reef for 30 years. I mean, I really earned my fucking stripes, cock sucker.

As you saw that I'm getting high with Doug. I earned my fucking stripe. I got to do bonn hits with fucking Godzilla if I had to. That's not the point. I'm 50. what do I give a fuck. You know, I have a little daughter if something happens.

I want to be able to protect her. I want to be able to pick her up and run if there's an earthquake and stuff like that. And I couldn't do that. And I was going to the gym. You know me, guys. I try to do something every day. I try to get on the bike. I try to extend the fucking with the fucking thing.

You know, to get cardio. I was doing the Dolce run. But I got hurt. I'm 51 and I'm a little heavy. And sometimes you get hurt. Your joints can't fucking take it. But you know what? That don't stop me.

The Rifa was very true. Troubleson there for a while. I was smoking three, four joints in the fucking morning, and it was just backed up. You know, I could. I'm smelling now. Do you know that? For a couple of years. You'll give a better sense of smell? My sense of smell is better. My sense of taste is better. So it's been amazing. I all put it out until this Saturday because I wanted to do that thing with Doug Benson, so I didn't want to smoke. You know, that was the thing.

I wanted to feel. And I might smoke Saturday, but I'm not going to smoke no more, guys. I'm just going to keep doing the vapors. I was fucked up yesterday. When you saw me last night, I was gone. I was fucking gone. Yeah. We were fucked up.

I had a cookie and a half a fucking goomy bed. Do you know that Cheebo Chewis was a back? backed up in California by two months right now. Like backwater? Wow. Backwater in California. That's how popular fucking Cheebo Shoes are, guy. And I gotta tell you, man, that little gummy bear, that green hornet, to me, that pound for pound,

pound is a great edible. For 10 bucks, you could break that thing in half, or ask my brother, because I always gave Lee a half, and then I gave him one and a half. He's not gonna lie, he's gonna sit right there and tell you. This is my proof. I gave Lee a half for... a half for how long for months I've been making me a half

and then we ate a a whole and a half and a live podcast did you not in my fucking making this up tell these motherfuckers what we had discussion about that Sunday and tell them what happened that Monday yeah we talked about how like I kind of turned it kind of turned off I was fucked up but it didn't feel like I should have felt like three times as high as a half

with the one and a half yeah and then Monday whatever the next time I had an edible was maybe no it was the day we moved in here or something like that. Something. You gave me a quarter and I was high all fucking day. All day. It's mind-boggling. You're sitting there at 10 o'clock at night going,

I still can't be high on this fucking devil. What's it called? Greenhorn. A grain horn. I'm telling you guys, Cheebochu don't pay me. They don't sponsor the show. I have a personal relationship with them. I think the fucking world of them. But I'm telling you right now,

I feel in my heart that gummy bear, pound for pound. I'll put it up against anything. Yeah, you could definitely, You could split that into force and still get way too high. You could probably split into Ace if you really want to. I really fucking believe that, man. I've had everything.

You know, those Gummi Samanels are fucking strong. You have to choose. Stronger than fuck. It's 250 milligrams and it's a hash, you know, based. And that's a complete different high. That fucks you up. But I'm telling you, pound for pound, that little fucking greenhorn, I don't know why. Gumi's and Monos, I tell you what, I just ate my last one with R.

in Santa Fe. We were gone. Gone. I think the older they get, like if he gives him to you, and you hold on to him for three weeks, and then you cut the head off and the two arms and shit,

you do voodoo. That's what you're doing when you eat that fucking gummy bear from those Gumi's in mind. You're doing fucking black magic because you eat the arm off and the leg and then the head. Well, fucking Green Hornets are like

you go and you have like a chocolate cake. Gumi's or monos is like when you go to the state fair and they take a chocolate cake and they fry it And then they put it inside another chocolate cake and they deep fry that. It's like you can't have it that often. But it's fucking crazy.

It's like, oh, my. You gave me the head once, just the head. The cherry, yeah, yeah. The cherry is fucking delicious. No, I like my edibles now. I'm having a good time with them. They're putting you to sleep at night. You know, listen, man, I talk a lot of shit here about this and that.

You know, I haven't been sleeping lately, guys. Really? If I do the math, yeah, I write down what I sleep, and it's five hours. was five hours, five and a half hours. I don't know how you do that. And you know what, guys, it keeps you fat. Yeah. It raises your cortisol levels.

You know, I watched 30 years ago at the University of fucking Colorado Mountain College, I saw the effects of sleep, like what realms you have to go to, and how many hours you have to be in that fucking, you know, I'm not that smart guys. I just tell you what I fucking read and I can't remember half the time. But, you know, I keep doing these five and a half hours, man. And I'm like, you know what? I can't keep doing that. I have to get sick.

We have Radio Friday in Austin, so we'll do Radio Friday. Oh, you're going to come? Nice. Come with your Uncle Joey. We're eating an edible right then. Oh, Jesus. You're going to take an edible with your high blood pressure medication. From now on, you take one a day?

No. You don't take the fucking one of days from on it? The multivitamin, I'm going to get you a multivitamin for your workout. You deserve one. You're a strong kid. You know what I'm saying? You're fucking on him. How's the helmet work?

Everything good? Oh, yeah. When your dick gets hard, you take that motherfucker of the town. Oh, God, yeah. I went through a point, I think that thing is mostly mental. I went through a point where it didn't, like, every once in a while, it wouldn't work, right? And, like, I went out and looked at that, like, fucking, those dick pills that sell at CVS. And I just, it didn't feel right.

I think it's all mental. Like, when you feel comfortable with a person, it's going to work. Love is love. Not even that. I mean, love. But if they're a dirty whore, that adds to it, too. If a chick stands up and sticks a hammer the pussy, you know. Yeah.

Your dick's going to get hard, you know. Yeah. She takes that fucking... So what do you think of two-life crew this morning? Sitting at home with my dick, come on. You ready for fucking Saturday night? What happens Saturday night? You know, you said it's yourself.

You like it like I do. Put your lips on my dick and suck my asshole, too. You ready to suck some asshole Saturday night? Oogie-mookies bringing some chicks. I talked to her yesterday. We'll take it out of your kick for the week. I don't think it's ever going to happen. It's going to happen.

Some chest no fart, and I ain't eating hummus. Hummus and eating. You should. Hommis and eating like a bucket of hummus. I ain't no fucking hummus. Hummus is bad for you. I love it. I love when you guys send me pictures of hummus.

It makes me so happy. Pussy. Asshole is good for the flavor. It's good for your teeth. No. If she's got a hairy pussy, it cleans your teeth. Yes, it is. How is the pussy hair going to be involved in this?

Because hopefully it's long enough, and it's by the asshole. When she farts, it blows the pussy hair out of the way, and it goes into your mouth. That is the, that makes it worse. That makes it even better. Hanging pussy hair. Oh, tremendous. For long? Nice and long.

You want it to be long. Why? Like a goat tea. You're ready to pussy looks like a goat tea? No. You don't know what you're missing. That sounds terrible. That's tremendous.

Do you pull on it? You pull on it? Oh, it's tremendous. Wait, wait, this chick's on that. And the other day, I can't believe you don't do that. What? When you're eating monkey, you stick your little finger up there, and you release the carbon monoxide before the flavor of shit gets in there.

It's like club soda in the air. That's what it smells like. I don't stay it on your air. And you inhale it slowly. You get that air coming out of the muffler. It's like a warm air with no flavor. It has a flavor. It never got fucking flavor, cocksucker.

But anyway, I had to do that apology to John Bender. That's his name. And he came to when I did the longest yard. I did a show in Jersey City, and he showed up with his sister and his niece. And I hugged him and we talked. But there was something missing from our conversation. and always ate away of me.

Was yesterday like a anniversary or something? No, no, no, no. I woke up yesterday and I saw that he had posted something on Facebook because he's running with my friend Veneery. He's also on that political card. He's underneath Veneery. He's running for City something. And I emailed him and I put, I'm proud of you on Facebook, you know,

congratulations on your running. And I go, now is the time to do it. You know, and I told him that when I was young, I was stupid, I was scared. You know, I was confused. I had moved in there, but his father was very good to me. His father picked me from the fucking choir, and he was schooling me as a young man. He knew at the house, I had sort of problems.

You know, my mom worked all the time, and I would eat over there, and he'd take me to the track. And he'd tell me about his fucking problems, you know, with his sons, and what he wanted for his sons and what I should do with my life. And then when my mother died, he was there for me. And I didn't know how to fucking handle it. man, you know, I moved into this house. They had no control over me. They never asked me a question.

As long as I went to school and get good grades, they didn't ask me any questions. You follow me? It was that type of house. I went there at six. I ate dinner. I took a shower. I made a few calls.

I talked to them for a little while and I left. And then the next day, but I was tied with the father. When John moved me in, it was to be tight with him. But I wasn't that tight with John. John didn't party. John listened to the Beatles.

You know what I'm saying? John liked hanging out with these chicks that were fucking out of their minds. I didn't like that. I wanted to hang out with my friends. So his feelings got hurt. So he started campaigning to get me thrown out of there. And the father kept saying, I'm not throwing them out.

You know, I made a commitment. You know, and I learned things from the father. And then I started doing coke. I started, you know, just getting into general proms and it came back to the house because I was good friends with the middle son. And he was a cop. So here, this guy's a guy.

cop and we're hanging out together and people know I'm selling this and I'm doing this and things are responsible because of me and it got back to him so he asked me to leave April of 81 it was the same week the present got shot Reagan it was the same week I never forget that he was crying and

it was sad and I had a new place to live but I let Jimmy down that was the father's name he had big plans for me he was one of those people that believed in me you have people believe in you man yeah well do you think I mean I don't know did he respond to the to the sorry?

No, and I know he was on Facebook last night. No, it was a heavy email. It was very heavy. If he has any heart, it made him cry because I was crying as I was typing it. Yeah. So I want him to feel that, my apology. And I just, like I said, I never wanted, you know, you guys, you come to the shows. You pay $22.

We laugh. We take a picture afterward. You're going to move on, you know. You know, you're going to go one day at Joey. I went to see him, whatever. But at the same time, for you paying that $22,000 and taking the picture, I want to keep doing well for you. Even if you don't like my comedy after a while,

I want to keep doing movies. I want to, because you cheered me on. I have to give you something back. Yeah. I took that from being young. You know, when I was young, I made a lot of fucking mistakes, man. People always email me these questions about their parents and this and that. Listen, man, your parents were there for you.

Do me one favor as a human being. be there for them, make them proud. Do one thing and make them proud because then all the love and effort they put into you wasn't in fucking vain, you know? I had these two friends that girls. One lives in Houston and she's in a rehab, she's 40-something,

and the other one lives here and she's just just as fucking worthless. But they're my friends, and I'm stuck with them. They were my friends when I was 20 years ago. But the one called me last week and said that the mother yelled at her and said that she can't believe that she finally made an assessment that both her daughters were fucking losers. And they

They were never going to do anything with that life. And it made me feel bad. And I go, you know, I've been telling you for years, you've got to do something. You're 40, you came here to do comedy, but you run a building and you're drunk every time I fucking talk to you. You know, there comes a point in your life where you're not doing it for yourself anymore. You're doing it for the people around you. Not the fucking idiots that don't give a fuck about you so you can drink coffee with them and tell them your accomplice. Oh, my God, no.

For the people who really give a fuck about you. The people who really give a fuck about you. You know what? You may have two of them. that when you tell them something good, they look at you and they go, fuck yeah. The rest of the people are like, congratulations, that's so good for you. And as they walk away, they make up lines in their head on how you're not good enough, how you're lucky, and somebody got it for you, and you're a piece of shit,

and this happens because your uncle's in the union, or whatever the fuck it is, you know? So that was my purpose, really, of sending him that email, that I think of Jimmy Bender. Let me get one of those waters. There's not a day that goes by that I don't laugh about Jimmy Bender, a joke, or something he used to say to me or some lesson, you know. Well, do you think if the apology is sincere

and you can tell it it's sincere, like when it's a fake apology that's worse, but if someone makes a sincere apology to you, except for a couple things, you might not forget, but it's kind of hard to still be that angry. If someone's sincere about it, I don't like when somebody apologizes the next day.

Because that means sometimes that he just realized he did something and he's just apologizing. I mean, you had an argument December and I apologized to you a week later because I was wrong. But I wanted to think about

what made me do it, why I did it, and I wanted to understand it. At the same time, you were thinking about where it came from. And an apology is always very sincere from a guy like me

because I thought about it. A lot of times I get into problems of people, I'm like, fuck that motherfucker. Yeah. I ain't saying, Nothing to him. Watch. And we just move on. But that's not really being a man, you know. It's taking the time to acknowledge somebody. And I knew this is a child. This is why I'm where I am today with my friends. The people I grew up with, the people that I call here and the people that I talk to when I leave here, one of them will call me in the car and said that that's the reason why. And I'm proud of those guys because, and that's why I said, yeah, they have them call from time to time because it keeps me on my fucking toes. I don't ever want to get. I don't ever want to lose my head because somebody says I was in a movie or grudge match. I don't give a fuck about none of that shit.

You know and I know. I don't know what I don't know about that. I give a fuck about being better every fucking day. That's bullshit. I just book one of those things, but it don't mean nothing. I did a move with this guy or that guy. I don't even look at it that way. I talk to those guys to keep me in check as a reminder,

as a reminder who I was and who the fuck I am today. And what I have to keep doing every fucking day. It's ain't the only you motherfuckers got to keep doing. Every goddamn day. Right around. Who gives a shit? We have a great time. We have a great time.

We giggle, we laugh, we get hide. We ain't killed nobody. Right? You ain't stabbing no bitches? Not yet. I haven't killed nobody lately. After this weekend, maybe, when you eat edible. Oh, my God.

And I drop you off at the White Rose Strip Club, downtown in Austin, whatever, the Rose. Is that a good one? That's Stanhope's joint. As soon as you can just mention Stanhope at the door, they'll suck your fucking asshole. That's where chicks in a fart in your face. So you're doomed no matter where the oaky, spooky brings a chick. where the black chick that answered the ad comes down you know there's always a black chick in the ad

because I know you like black women I know you like ethnic women I don't want some fucking skinny white chick or freckles but then at the end of the show you're like I turned her away I saved you this week well you know I know when you I know nights that you're not ready for you're ready for it now you weren't ready for it six months ago what you hear from Ashley anything

no that's done see see when I taught you you could have sucked you you could have put your fucking ball sack in her mouth when she was sleeping. No, you can't do any of that. She was going to go away anyway. Yeah, but if I'd done that, she would have called the police first.

No, she wouldn't have called the police. She would have been too busy. She would have been too busy fucking putting listerine and fucking gasoline in her mouth and the taste of those Jew nuts. You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. Can you imagine that?

You could have fucking put your nuts sack on her mouth and just fucking fist-fucked it. Right there, and then gut stomped her. Jesus. It's Wednesday, Lee. Take the stick out of your ass, cock suck. That's a beautiful day to be alive. Let me get some shot off.

I don't know how you even work that. You have to put them in like a ball. How do you put your balls in the mouth and then also a fistfucker? You got to be prepared. You got to put your balls out and get ready to attack. Yeah. So you got to like go over to and creep the blanket off slowly. Okay.

And then you'll see the thong, you'll see the leg drop. You help the leg drop. And you go up to her like a 69 and you dip and you roll. Like your house is on fire. So you, what's that, tuck and roll. Oh, my God. So boom, you grab the legs, you roll, you eat, and you're, what? You never put your nutsacks in your girlfriend's mouth to wake up?

No. Oh, Mike, they love it. No, they don't. Let's say they're sleeping. And they got the little mouth to open. You just kneel up to the bed and put that nut right there. You don't put it on their nut. Get the auvoir of the nut that go into that mouth.

You know what I'm saying? Like, when you put something in your mouth, you get to auvoir. That's a word I learned in France in 82. the auvoir from the nut right there next to the cheek. Yeah. And then she'll go, and right there she'll lick it. And it's like a tic-tac.

She'll know immediately what it is, and you just dump that fucking nut sack right into my husband. It's all about the shatlingling. They love that shit. It's like a fucking bagel without the bagel. You know what I'm talking about? No, yes. There's no way people like that.

Not people, women. Some women. You just got to ask them first. You like a nut in your mouth of breakfast? Would you like Graco Bupon? Same fucking difference. Matt Balthasar. I love you, cocksucker.

Brenda's Brew. Jesse Skin, N.Y.Y. Jason Anderson. Badandy. I love you, too. Ashley Cherise and her husband, you bad motherfuckers. Adam Billion. I love you.

Keep slinging fucking dick. You know what I'm saying? We're all the same. That's why I do this fucking podcast. I do this podcast because we put our pants on the leg with the follow. I was fuck. I walked around intimidated and scared and I had my doubts. Fuck these bitches. Everybody puts their pants on one leg at a time. These people walk around, they're condescending because they got $3.

They're condescending because they're fucking scared because we're going to fucking find them out one day. And we're going to fucking stab them and take everything from the cocksuckers that they are. A bunch of fucking little faggots. I hate these fucking cocksuckers. It's Wednesday, May 14th. The day the devil was buried to see and they pulled his fucking wig off us in attachments. They even cut his tail and beat him with it. That's how we roll here.

A little shoutouts to the... What, Lee, what? What the fuck do you want to tell me today? Poor devil. The fuck the devil. He's a devil. He knew what was coming. They cut his tail off and beat him with it?

That's right. What do you want to do? He wants to show up and put the Malook on people and show up without a fucking reefer. You got to show up a reefer if you want to put the Malook on people. Onit.com! I tell you once, I tell you a thousand fucking times. You already told you.

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at her she's done you want a diploma you got it you go to ITT whatever the fuck you want to do it starts at honor dot com all right go to on it tell him uncle Joey sent she got 10% off what they put in the box church church boom you want to talk about nutrition I do you want to talk about go fuck yourself you want to talk about nutrition naturesbox dot com their stacks are nutritionists approved they don't fuck around whether you get the spicy pistachios or the sesame seed sticks or the white and black rinole which I got an order again I'm all out a fucking granola from naturesbox.com

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of peanut butter, she forgot to do this, you got potato chips, or you're trying to lose weight. That's where I come through. Nature's box.com, go to the box and press in. Joey. Joey, you need one more hit of this, and get 50% of it. your first order you saying Joey what 50 fucking percent half off your first order you go fucking bananas I know I would go to naturesbox.com and then after that

you get snacks set right to your house on a monthly you don't got to get up in the middle of night you don't got to do shit they got this fucking southwestern blend listen just do what I tell you go to naturesbox.com when they press the body Joey what the fuck you're making me skit all hot and bothered you know what I'm saying I know what you're saying thank God for the air commission that's right We got a fucking air condition this office that of the fucking office

Can you imagine what it would have been like What? It would have been A thousand degrees Oh please You've been sitting in there Like three fucking Jews

You know what I'm saying In 42 Whatever the fuck When it was I don't have a history lesson Number two You want a history lesson Oh my God

Dollar fucking shave club Dollar fucking shave club A dollar $6 and $9 That's how I roll And every month You get brand new raises Set to your house

You don't have to go out You don't got to Go to a store You're going to stand online with some guy Excuse me Do you know differences between the six cents on a nine-ounce I have a fucking coupon for the

three-ounce really watch it yesterday I was at the yoga place and I go in there with my wife and my daughter and I get a little cup of yogurt as a sample I give it to mercy and she loses her fucking mind loses her mind she got no patience she wants it now now and I'm like mercy hold on I got to get the cop and pour it and the girl comes on she's like excuse me your little girl would you like a sticker and mercy looked at her like why don't you take that sticker and stuff it up your twat twice you're fucked. I'm over here looking at this black and white, it was delicious. It was ice cream

sandwich, yogurt. Oh, nice. Oh, I gave her a little sample sheet. I don't eat that shit. I eat the low fat with the fucking you know, you know me. I'm trying to fucking be Johnny healthy. But it's weird how when people come up to you and you're having like a little attack like you just now. Anyway, what was I talking about? About Dollar Shave Club. Go to

Dollar Shave Club, go to the box pressing. Boom, and you get your special price. You know, $1, $6, $9 every fucking month. That's on a monthly. That means 12 times 9 is what, Lee? 72. 108.

108? 12 times 9? Yeah. 7 times 9? Yeah. You're right. 108 are you. Who do you think you're dealing with?

Who do you think you're dealing with? And Dollar Shave Club also has the shave butter. And they got the what else? The one wipe charles? The one wipe charlie's. They work for your fucking asshole, your helmet. Let's say you had a rough day. You want to get your balls lick.

You've been in the car all day. You get the one wipe Charlie right in the car. You're cleaning around the fucking shaft and the helmet. You're polishing. You throw it out the window. Boom, who's better than you? And also to my people at Naileditlife.com. Get 20% off. Nailed it, life is how I live.

Without Nailed at life, without these fucking V pens and the fucking oils, I wouldn't have made the people. I would have still been smoking dope, and I would have had no lung power. You know, and I know a lot of you people like Joey, you're a fucking pussy. You're a faggot. Hey, I got to do this for you. You want me living? You want me sounding right?

I would have been here huffing and fucking puffing. And I got to tell you, my jihitsu has improved to 100%. I'm looking at different avenues now. I got to start. I got a McGill and an ending. It's really interesting that I've been doing this lately and I'm doing this for you people to show you that change is possible.

Any age, man. 50 fucking one, I go in there, $60 a month. Don't complain to me about money. It's not like I'm going to one of the top schools and paying $220 and $250. I didn't want to do that for anybody. I wanted to start small and just getting fucking shape. For me, it's getting in shape.

I don't want to be in competitions. I don't want to choke nobody out. I just want to breathe and take the fear away for me being on my back from sleep after you. That was basically it. Besides that, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, people. We had a great week this week. We talked about black people.

We talked about more black people. We talked about fucking fear. We talked about the cops and fucking hitting people and getting shot. You live by the sword. You die by the sword. This is a karma-based fucking podcast, Lee, right? Which means I do this everything by the fucking book. Okay?

I worry about people. I want everything in my podcast. path. I don't want no drama in my fucking path. So to have no drama, you can't create drama. Right. You know? And whatever. If people don't like me, if they get mad of me, I don't get fucked no more. I was a little upset on Monday morning.

Because I called a few people that have been friends for a long time. They just blew me off. And I shouldn't take that on the people on the podcast. And I'm very sorry for my behavior. On Monday, I'm just fired up like that. I'm passionate. That's it. That's what fucking makes us different. If you're passionate, be fucking passionate. Politically correct, people don't want me to be passionate.

I can't yell. I can't say fuck. I can't say you're going to die and I'm not going to die because I'm going to fucking sit there and compress and hold everything in that's why you're not fucking quiet that's a beauty of it. How fucking stone do you?

I'm pretty stone. What I want to do is for people who don't know we're going to set up stations in this office you keep karate chopping can we set up with two cinder blocks I want a board breaking station for you

when you're angry just go over there karate shop What are these? What are you in the fucking church or 12 stations? I'll go over there with a camera and you'll

hiya and karate chop through boards How about a karate chop Me in the fucking neck That's what you like that So we're going to put the flag in here So we start saluting That's a matter of fact

The national anthem today Because I've had it That's it It's that day today I still think of poor breaking the station I don't give a fuck All right If you're gonna be Americans

Don't break fucking boards All right We shoot them We fucking shoot them We don't have time To karate chop boards We're fucking Americans here We shoot them

Okay May 14th I've been slipping lately You gotta get up Hold on to your hearts Hold on to your fucking hearts, cock sucker, because it all starts right there. Put your right hand on your heart and put your left hand on your nutsack of your vagina and look up and say, fucking God, thank you for giving us another fucking day, you bad motherfucker,

in the baddest fucking country in the world. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to go out there. We can be homeless, we could take it up the ass, or we can run a pimp store, massage parlor. This is what a peanut American is all about. You got options, motherfuckers. You want to go to school or you want to be a stupid fuck and let people give you coin. I went to see a consulate. Get the fuck out of my face.

Lift some weights. Get out there. Eat healthy. Love your neighbor. Calm as a motherfucker. Walk your dog. Hug your cat. If a neighbor's wife wants to suck your dick, what are you going to do?

You're human. But you're a fucking American. That's all that matters at the end of the week. I have problems, but I'm proud. That's what keeps me honest. I'm a fucking American I salute you you, bad motherfuckers. Sure, are international listeners

like face towards Washington DC? No, I love them too. That's part of it. An American is being a state of mind. You know, it's so funny how when we hear somebody with an English sat and I love the English. I love the fucking Irish.

I love the Canadians. I love your fucking UK. I love you in Finland, Norway. I love Denmark. I love you, motherfuckers. The Australians, you know it. You feel it. You feel it, man.

That's why we watch this fucking show. and someday we're all going to get together and stab and fuck I'm getting emotionally I can't do this in the morning I got shit to do today cock sucker I love you guys have a great fucking week thank you for listening to the church or what's happening now we're just having a good time today they all can't be fucked up

karma is your friend fuck it don't kick the cat you'll be fine and now this podcast is it over it's over what you want to talk about I got nothing to say I don't know what the fuck I still think we should have a board break station avoid break. Don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com.

You'll get high-quality raises sent your door every month for fraction what you pay at retail. Now go to dollar shaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joey-dias.net and click on the dollar shape club banner. And now that the show is over, remember to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting, healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries.

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I was looking at my fucking email. This guy wants me to show up. Oh shit. Oh shit. You're feeling Minnesota, but whatever. You're looking Minnesota but feeling Minnesota. Bad motherfuckers.