The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #177 | The Best of THE CHURCH!

Episode Date: July 4, 2022

Welcome to the JOEY DIAZ Channel…. It's Monday, July 4th.... Happy Independence Day! We're taking the week off from The JOINT so please enjoy some of our favorite moments from THE CHURCH, The National Anthem Edition! Clips Taken from: Episode 522 - JOEY DIAZ & LEE SYATT - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24KmtN-M0v4 Episode 212 - BERT KREISCHER - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsuFaf3F56U Episode 180 - SARAH TIANA - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2R1a1kKfe5Q Episode 799 - ELEANOR KERRIGAN - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NqvJ6qfA-fU Episode 229 - SAM TRIPOLI - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WdwjO9XAaCU&t=4885s Episode 495 - MARTIN MORENO - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T332eFZP1hw Episode 245 - BILLY CORBEN - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GKi-tgE-Rag&t=5640s This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #TheChurchOfWhatsHappeningNow The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

We're going in like fucking Maria. You understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker. Hey, let me tell you zone. Italy. Get up, cocksuckers. It's all over. Listen, we had a rough couple of months. Fucking Katrina's cousin Maria.

The other one, Puerto Rico, Houston, fucking Florida. Listen, it's been tough up to now. The earthquake in Mexico. You know, the White House, whoever the fuck is going on. But it don't matter. They want to shoot. It's time for us to fucking shoot, cock suckers.

They want to get down and dirty. Don't forget who the fuck we are. You understand me? We're the baddest motherfuckers out there. You send the message to that fucking North Korean. He's going to be sniffing my dick and sucking my asshole. That's the focus. We're going to North Korea in like a year.

It's going to be an island. It's going to glow in the dark. You know why? Because we're Americans, cock suckers. Who the fuck you think you did? dealing with. Stop with the gun control. They're selling more guns than ever the last three days.

Stop with the fucking whining. Stop with the Russians on Facebook. I don't give a fuck. Worry about yourself. Keep your eyes open and get the fuck off Snapchat and fucking Twitter. Cucketka. Stay black. I know.

I got to go to bed. Where you going? I got a fucking early workout class tomorrow, Joey. CT scan. Hey, for those you... For whoever... Last time you came you're on a claim. You're drinking water with garlic in it.

Every time you come, you come with something. Come when you're drinking. I want you to be festive. I'm going to, hey, that's next week. I'll come back next week. All of a sudden, you take an insurance. Then you should have told me, Joe, I can't go to that because I've got to take an insurance thing.

Leasling to eat a fucking edible by himself. Yeah. Poor Lee, we're looking forward with the, you know, for you to get fucked up. We're on the bicycle and get hit. I told him when I started working out that I was going to get a bike, and he said no, and then he called me back like 20 minutes, and he's like, let me.

explain myself. These idiots are on me. Let me explain myself. These idiots can't drive normally. Now you're going to bike, you're going to get fucking hit, and then we can't do the podcast. I'm going to be at the hospital, we're going to do the podcast, so you can't ride a bike. So when he told me you were going to bike here, I'm like, oh, no, because I knew he hates bikers. It makes me fucking nervous, man. I just had a one of the skateboard once in a coffee.

He looked at my skateboard for an hour. It was like, what are you doing on a skateboard? Furious. You're a adult. Leave the skateboard at home. Hey, for those you asking, when I said I was making $1,200 a, week doing stand-up and saying it wasn't much money, you're forgetting to incorporate that we have to pay agents, taxes, managers, and for our flights, and our plane tickets.

And a fucking plan. It whittles down to you should know how little 750 bucks comes out. Oh no. It pays me out when I would work. My last job, I was making $1,300 a week. And by the time taxes got done, it was $900. And I can't

imagine, that was just enough to pay, like, my bills. I can't imagine having a wife and two kids. And then agents and managers. You talking about 35% right off the top. Right off the top, it's gone. Yeah. And then you're talking about another 50% or 30% of taxes, whatever. Whatever.

Are you going to this store now? Yeah, I'm going to go down there, fuck around, and do my spot and bomb. But I'm getting stronger every day. I don't get a fuck, bro. Are you around next week? Are you around next week? Yeah. Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah, let's do my house. I'll do all over your house. Nice. We'll bring the flying juice yesterday. I was so hot. Well, we gotta eat this one today. No, no, no. I want to see you guys kill it.

No, why would you do that? Look at me. Yeah, well, that's Joey. Let's eat another one. Out of respect for the church members. Why don't you finish it? Because he's got the fucking, I got the fucking CT scan and the fucking life insurance. Let's go for me.

No, I can't have any more. Guys, guys. You go home. It's not the fact that I'm going. No, no, no, no, no. What's the matter? What's the matter? That's so, I'm so good.

I'm already so high. Let's do another half and all you've done is one. You did one whole one I did for. fucking one and a half, too. You're gonna leave me like this? What are you scared? I'm gonna leave me like that. I need feet to go down. Dude, because I'm all running. Too hot. So what? I need for you to go into that Michael Jackson's own. You know what? And die?

You can't die from it. You can't die from it. The only way weed can kill you is if he shot out of a cannonball. That's out of a cannon. I'll smoke. I'll smoke. This smells fucking delicious. Private reserve. Private reserve. Fucking sunset. They're good. They're good, dog. There's some good fucking...

That place in San Diego that sent us. weed with Jessica. Oh, nice. At Alpha Point, they had some prior reserve. They were good, too. They got some good weed out there. Let's kill this out of respect.

Out of respect. We're going to kill the devil. Let's kill the devil. You can go right home. Jews don't believe in the devil. Yes, they do. The other devil. You're fucking Jew cuck.

I love you. Burke Kreishe. Thank you very much for coming on to church. I love you guys at all. My heart. Have a great weekend. We will be back Monday night or whatever. We don't fucking know yet until next week.

Who gives a fuck? Have a great weekend. We can stay black. Tomorrow's a tough day for our country. Today is a tough day for our country. It is what it is. We're America, bitches. As a matter of fact, the National Anthem. Let's go. We're going to open up with the National Anthem.

Public domain. And no faggy fucking harps and people sing it. No, I got it saved. Yeah, I want the good fucking national... Are you ready? Let's do this. It's September 11, people. It's September 11th. I know 10, 12 years ago we had disaster.

And these fucking momos were walking around. What are we going to do, terrorists? The only fucking terrorist is the fear you have of yourself. We're fucking Americans. You take that plane to hit the World Trade Centers and you stick that up somebody's fucking asshole. We're Americans, bitch. Don't you ever fucking forget that?

That means we do what the fuck we want to do. We're Americans. Fuck ISIS. Fuck terrorists. Fuck turbans. Fuck everybody. I hate all you motherfuckers. We're fucking.

Americans, that means nobody fucking stops us. We want our dicks up, we get our dicks up. That's what an American does. Ask the fucking pilgrims. Fuck 9-11. Fuck 9-11. It'll never happen again. We're America.

You don't ever have to be afraid again. Fuck Obama. Fuck them all. We're Americans, you son of a bitch. Grab your guns. Go shoot somebody. And you don't know, don't rivers! Fuck, Joe Rivers!

Wait, are we done? Where's the music? Oh shit, I forgot. Jesus Christ Almighty, you see, I'm fucking saying. Get up, cock-suckers. Salute the flag. Get up, everybody, get up. It's Memorial Day weekend.

I'm sure you had a grandpa who killed the Japanese persons. I'm sure you had an uncle who stabbed the Puerto Rico in the heart. Something. Get up. It's not about potato, salads, and cheeseburg. No salads and cheeseburgers, you fucks. It's about being a fucking American, a state of mind. You need to be born in

America to be an American. You just need to get up in the morning, grab your balls and look at the flag and look at Jesus and say, you know what? I got this cock suckers. I don't need no fucking welfare check. I'm a savage. All I needs a fucking knife, a spear, and I don't even know what I need no more.

You know what I'm saying? It's Sunday, special edition Memorial Day weekend. Get your shit together. It's like, whatever. I don't... There's a comedy show called the degenerates of comedy comedy you did it why did they call like did any of the comics get offended you called us degenerate we are for the

most part we are we're fucking animals on the road for them I mean I can't say that about women all the time because like we're on the road a little bit more nervous than a male comic of course 10 times over and it's still a bar it's a bar it's a nightclub

they're partying it still doesn't matter it doesn't excuse what I did next week And it's not going to excuse what's about to happen in the couple weeks. Because they made a lot of calls. And you know what? I didn't get one fucking call. You know why?

No, no, no. Because I wouldn't push a negative narrative. And that's what they want. They want anything. Negative. They want anything negative. You know, I would love. I wish people address it, you know, in the right way.

I haven't remembered, you know, I had to look back and go, well, I think of a couple situations, one which I spoke of the podcast. I'm not going to tell the name to give you ammunition. I spoke of a person I had a problem with when I first met her. We were doing a couple lines of coke, and I told her she had nice tetties. And she played it off like, you know, nobody's ever told me this

before. You're a pig, really? Oh, I love shock. I love shock. This is what I know about you. Yeah. And then a couple weeks later, I got to a party and I see it with somebody. And it's like, you were trying to play fucking Virgin Mary. And you got busted. I'm not afraid.

But that's what I'm saying. Like everybody right now feels like they're all in shock. Like, oh my God. This happens at nightclubs? Oh my God. What does? Comics talk dirty? Comics embellish?

Fuck you. Emails that would, it would make you fucking. I will be, listen, I will be, not one person has called me about anything from the comedy star. And I've been there from- They're not calling anybody who matters. But here's the thing.

I've been there from now. I don't have any credits like that. Everybody who, I mean, I've heard in these articles and these interviews that Adam's name has come up. And I don't know why. This is crazy. Adam's name has come up. Who's the sweetest guy in the world? Adam, R.

Adam. What did you call? Adam Engel. I don't fucking know. Adam Eget. eBay. Just call me eBay. I don't know how many people's names have come up that I've said, what are you talking about?

Why is his name? Because if he, here's the thing. Like back in the day, girls would come up to me and be like, how do I get spots? How do I get spots? How do I get a showcase? How do I get whatever it was? Like, whether they were passed and not getting spots or whether they were trying to get past, right? Because both happen.

When you can get past, like Mitzi said, she would be like, ugh, I made a mistake on that after I saw him. And she'd stop giving them spots. One person, one guy got really pissed off and went to Mitzi and was like, why am I not getting spots? and she goes, okay, I'll have you re-showcase. And then she unpassed that motherfucker for making her sit through that. And it was the only person I ever saw her do that too, but it made me laugh.

So I would immediately tell people, don't talk to Mitzie if you've been passed. Here's little tricks you can do. And it was something as simple as send Scott some tequila or wine. Yeah, I would tell people all the time, send cigarette, whatever it was that the town coordinator could

casually bring your name up in front of and spark her memory, whether it good or bad, it'll work. And it did. So then people would say, how can I get spots? Should I fuck this guy? This guy told me if I blow him that he'll help me. And I go, who would help you if you blow? No, he's going to come and forget you.

And I go, if you want to know who to fuck to get into the club, if it's not Mitzi sure, you're doing it wrong. Because she's the only one that can put you on stage. up until she got real, real sick and Tommy started, there was one time when me and Corey, one week where Mitty was real sick in the late 90s, and she went to get stem cell injections. I think Bob Wheeler took her.

And she was, you know, it was her first, like, bout with this bullshit, her sickness. And so she asked us to do the lineup. And we, Corey and I were devastated. Nervous Rick. We don't want to hurt anybody's feelings.

We love everybody. So we copied Mitzie's format. That was one week. We still weren't in charge of anything, really. We just copied Mitzie's format. And then if we joke about this all the time, or at least Rick and I do on the Comedy Store podcast, how when she came back and started doing

it, she literally would just go to A's. So it would be like Aaron Cater, Ahmed Ahmed, Ahmed. Whoever was fucking A's got on the lineup. Because she was getting, her health was declining. So then Tommy,

Duncan left, Tommy got in there. And then once he saw that she was really, really declining, and he started doing the lineup, he would then, unfortunately,

fuck with people. And, you know, well, you know, if you do this, you know, he had his own narrative. And his favorites were

Whitney and Christalia. And Mitzie didn't pass them. Tommy did. technically, like, whatever. And because he saw, these are going to be the future or whatever. He saw something in them. And he was passing. And he was a dick to a lot of people.

He was. But he was the town coordinator. And technically she gave him the reins to do that. And the only other person that had that was Adam because he was thrown into it. But Adam showcases people. He doesn't give sexual fuck and favors for getting stage time. And he doesn't not give you stage time. if you didn't give him or don't like him.

Because I've had people come up to me and be like, he doesn't like me. He doesn't like your stand-up. You're taking a personal, like he asked you out and you said no, and now you think that's why you're not getting, say, you're not funny. You need to fucking reevaluate.

Or you could be funny, but just maybe he doesn't think you're funny enough for the lineups he's putting together. And if you're fucking hurt by that, fuck you. I'm sorry. Would you go to every casting director and be like, how did I not get in this movie?

I'm perfect for it. And then just be like, well, it's because I was supposed to go out with him or I was supposed to go out with her and now they're holding a grudge. That's not how it works. I don't know. I'm rattling, but I'm pissed. No, you're absolutely right. Because I'm pissed. It's, it's like you're, you're changing the narrative.

First of all, with what is going on with Christalia? Like I said, I'm thrilled these girls spoke up, right? And if he did something bad, that will feel. fucking come out. It will happen. You will get your justice, but don't change it and take away from something that needs to be dealt with for real because you didn't get fucking spots at the comedy store. Stop it. And not one person has come to me and said, no, that's not true because you know that, because they know, I know the real truth. I watched it. Even with Adam, I've been doing stand up for 13 years. Adam took over probably what, six years ago, seven years ago.

Six-ish, seven? Yeah. So, and he was thrown into it, reluctantly. He did not want to do this. He did not want that job. Nobody wants that fucking job. Nobody wants the job of telling you're good enough to get on this lineup or you're not. Man or woman.

And the other thing is, is with the women, they're trying to fucking, men and women are all the same. Where there is no gender. But then when there's a fucking problem, all of a sudden there's a gender, right? All of a sudden, these are males or monsters. and they're trying to hurt women. And not all males are assholes. I have six brothers. I would say some of them are assholes.

Some of them aren't. You know, whatever. I'm, again, I'm really... I'm flipping out because I just don't know what... I'm just happy that you were there in 97 to 2000. You witnessed me. You witnessed me at my lowest points on drugs. Yeah.

And to say, I fucked my way in. I've heard that one, too, because I've slept with Dight. That's my second ex-fiance. I wasn't even doing stand-up when I was with Dice. And when I started doing stand-up, respectfully, because he was the higher-up, technically, not because he's male, just because he's fucking Andrew Dice Clay. And he started at the comedy store. So when I started doing it, I called him and I called Mitzie because I have respect for them. And I didn't want them to think, oh, I'm fucking crazy.

I'm going to go there because I'm Dice's ex and I'm going to fuck with him. and stay at the store or uh you know i'm an ex-waitress and i want to fucking piss off mitsy by doing stand-up i didn't do it for the wrong reasons i called them to say hey i'm going to try this is this okay if i come to the store i i asked permission and mitsy let me she she told me to do the belly room uh and i did and then she showcased i showcased three or three times for mitsy it took me three years to get fast. And I was her personal assistant. I did everything. I went out of the country with Mitzy. Like, we were tight. So, and then with Andrew, he took me on the road and I didn't do, I got booed off the stage. And he put me in the fucking back burner for a year. And then I had a

re-showcase for him. So don't tell me I didn't do the fucking leg work and that I fucked my way into a comedy store paid regular. Because I'll beat the shit out of you. One, two, I work. my ass off for it. Everything I got. And there's a lot of women that they talk like that about. And one of them is Whitney Cummings that came, somebody said it to me. And I thought, fuck you, man. We were in the same show.

She said something to me. Worked every, I wake up and I say, what would Whitney do? That's how I fucking think, whether you like her stand up or not. Do I think Whitney's the funniest person on the planet? No, but I think she's fucking brilliant. And she puts her time in. And she puts her fucking time in. bust her god damn ass she wasn't she was sleeping with regular fucking guys like the rest of us nobody

special i can think of four four three different guys that she was dating they were regular fucking guys they weren't they didn't have any power she was just smarter than you and you don't fucking like it she said something to me that made sense for you eliza eliza too eliza's fucking She said, Leslie Jones, who the fuck did Leslie fuck? Leslie's phenomenal. She said when you come to this town and you go to the comedy store, you have two decisions. You can either suck dick or put your ponytail tail into the hat and become one of the guys. Yeah.

And you've done that. You're one of the guys. I've tucked my dick. You know why? Because you had nine brothers. And you know exactly how they talk. They scratch their balls. They sniff their fingers.

They're disgusting. But I love them. They would tell you right in front of them. how they fucked the neighbor in the ass in the bathroom. She was half retarded. Fuck if I said. And you laughed a little bit. But that was

what, you know, that they said coerced. There was no need to coerce. Nobody coerced. These girls were willing. God bless them. I mean, there was many others, and I've heard many other stories. And like I said, I'm not here with this podcast. Now the next step is where this goes.

Where does this go? If it goes any further it's dumb. I got to be honest. It's going to go further. It's going to go further. Well, they're going to pick apart every person. Anybody that's ever laughed at Richard Pryor should be executed then. He grew up in a whorehouse. It's going to go and that's how he saw women. It's going to go

further and at least for me it is they made some calls. They called Seattle. Seawyer left Seattle. Were they worried you have a fucking past? You're pretty open about it. Oh, I am. They're going after clubs for

certain reasons for not doing I heard this in an email a stricter background checks in the comics to make sure that sexual predators and like now they have us Oh my God How's the fuck are we gonna prevent that? Wednesday I celebrate 20 years of my girlfriend

When you saw us at Terry My girlfriend It's your wife And my head I was like But we were together 20 years Wow So you got to remember when I started dating Terry I was still snorting

Coke, but I was at the store and I couldn't really do nothing because now she'd know it. She was right there watching me. Yeah. So for you motherfuckers that want to say something and Terry don't fuck around. Terry don't fuck around. Terry was the, if I worked five nights, Terry worked five nights. She will

fuck you up, Jack. That's my girl. That's why I love Terry. Terry worked five nights. I need a little national anthem real quick today because there's something we got to talk about people are having doos and knots and dots. we got to do some national I don't know any dates coming up

no you fuckers they canceled everything now not till SIPA no I'm in when is it shit August 6th I'm at Phoenix at the House of Comedy August but that's not to August my July date got canceled in Vancouver you tweeted and we'll retweet it I love it thank you so much and no I'm happy to have you on today because I want to sorry if I went off a little bit no you were there okay you were there my wife was there so I was Terry what the fuck they're going to come up with because I got a thousand stories I got a

million that call me whatever story you want to come up with there's got to be a back end to it about six months ago I get home way before COVID November okay and some girl who lost you know what it is she's a cute blonde girl she was married to an owner of a comedy club and I always considered her a dear friend. I saw her at the ha-ha when I was trying to make a comeback, and I wasn't going to the store. And one night I'd go on Twitter on a Saturday.

It's got to be 1130, and I read her tweet, which says, Joey once went into a bathroom in the back of the bus when I was in the bathroom. And I thought about it for a second, and I go, holy shit.

That's right. In 98, we were doing a Roger Paul gig, Oh, wow. I went to the back of the bus, and I didn't go into the bathroom, and when she found out I had a package, she asked her if I had to do a package, so I usually do a package in the bathroom. So I go, you didn't mention what we're doing the package.

All of a sudden. That's what we're only going to put out half the story. Everything's half the fucking story. So I was like, fuck, you know, fuck this shit, and I wrote to have a package. So I know that, you know, what I'm doing. They're trying to leave it out to me. Make them look good.

We got 20 years right here. I got 20 years who I've been with at the house. My wife was a wages at the store. And she can attest to. You motherfuckers want to raise your hand. Come on with it, bitches. There was a friend of ours who recently died, a big guy. His wife became a saint all of a sudden.

She doesn't know she's fucking. She's trash. She's spitting the grave before they threw dirt out of them. She also got smacked around at the store. Yeah, she got smacked around a couple places. So for her to raise that. Yeah. But for me, from me, that's time.

Yeah, that's this time. But this is the thing with Terry. Terry was there when we were all, just so you know, the cesspool, the comedy world is, and a nightclub becomes when you're there all the time, there was a part where we had a herpes outbreak because we were all fucking each other. And I'm up, well, I wasn't really in that part, but I was in that. And we all had to go get tested for herpes. And I don't want this to reflect on the store or anything.

other place. No, no, no, I'm saying every nightclub has this. This is a bar. Yes. Are we going to close every nightclub? There was a lot of love there. There still is a lot of love there. You know, I feel bad for Delea and all this when we have to go back. But these stories we're talking about. Oh yeah, we'll be back to. No, but I'm saying this. They won't, they won't happen any. They don't happen as much as they used to because people don't realize. The cameras at the story. You just can't get your dick. She wasn't there. She wasn't watching. You get your sucked dick, you get your suck dick to the store now.

You pop up when somebody's Zoom while they're talking to the grandmother, the final steps. Oh, Lori Kilmartin. God bless her. Lori, phenomenal. Dying of COVID. And there you are. Getting your dick sucked in the bathroom in the main room. Squirting some girl's eyeball and her telling you, is there a napkin back here?

And you're like, nah, not really. It's a lit. They got light bulbs, though. You want to wipe your eyeball with any dates? So you got June? July. I mean, July got canceled. I'm sorry.

I'm at the House of Comedy in August. I believe it's August 6th, 7th, and 8th. Let's keep your motherfucking prayers open. We got July 21st at Oxnard. That's where they'll start. And then hopefully July 29th through August 1st and Brea, if the COVID disappears. is if you motherfuckers don't start marching against something else next week. You know, Martian lives matter.

Let's do that one. Because a Martian got fucking run over in New Mexico. How about fucking anything? Don't joke about that, Joey. Don't joke about that Joe. I heard you're being insensitive to Martians. I know. Fuck them too.

All they've ever done is fucking create people to go crazy. I saw Martian. I saw a Martian. Him and Bigfoot. Fucking boat. And I love you at all my heart. I appreciate the video. I appreciate your balls.

Thank you for people watching. Because these motherfuckers obviously don't know. And number two, let me explain some to you. Hit me with the National Anthem. Should I stand? The one we've had years ago is not here anymore. Oh, you got to find a good one because... I feel like I have to stand.

I got nervous. I don't want to find no flutes. My daddy's a Marine. It's got America flag on. That's the one. Let me with that. So I can talk over this. Get up.

fucks, it's Monday, the 30th, whatever the fuck it is of June. Enough is enough already. For three months, we've been living in fucking misery, confusion. We're broke, we're hungry. We want fucking answers. Stop blaming China. Stop it. Stay in your house.

Move out of that fucking apartment. But most importantly, social distance. And most importantly, beside that, this is a crucial fucking situation. and some of years are not happy. Put your fucking mask on. You fucking maggot motherfuckers. Let me tell you something. You think I like putting a fucking mask on?

I don't like putting a mask on. I got to smell my own breath. Fifty years of rotten teeth and assholes and Ineolus fucking breath and fucking nose hairs. I don't want smelling the fucking breath either. But you have to do it. Why? Because we're trying to keep each other alive.

How can we be so fucking selfish? You know what? You want to go to the bar? Go fuck yourself. Go to the liquor store. Buy a bottle like every other American. And go outside and get three or four of your friends. And get fucked up.

No more fucking parties. No more get-togethers. I don't want to see no black chicks twinking with your ass up and down. They told you you can't eat ass. And here you are spreading those asshole germs up in the air. I feel bad for midgets, you fucking filthy fucking animals. So do me one favor whether you agree or disagree. When you're home, when you're scratching your balls,

listen, I wouldn't put a mask on either. I farted and I can smell the fart through the fucking mask. So if I could fart and smell it through the mask outside at the park, that means you can maybe get a little coronavirus. No, you can't get the coronavirus. What I'm telling you is it's a public. public fucking nuisance now. Pretty soon,

people are going to start getting hit in the head with fucking karate elbows and shit. Keep your mask on. Fourth of July is coming. Do you want to be fucking caught up in the Fourth of July? Where's the music? Where's the music? Where's the music? We're Americans. We've got to fucking

join in now. And enough is enough. Put on your fucking mask. It's not self-respect. It's not respect for us. It's starting to be respect for ourselves. I wear a mat, put it on more. I want to hear more. I'm getting fired up here.

Don't make me fucking get a bottle rocket and cut in the nap and make it chase different dresses, epic fucking groups. You understand me? Get that mask. Put it on and shut your fucking mouth. You fucking little animals in Miami, you fucking jungle Spanish people down there.

You should wear masks day one. When I came from Cuba, They put a mask and goggles on me. That's how contagious I was, all right? So go fuck yourself. Don't let me break out the goggles. You fucking immigrant fucks. You're lucky you're here.

Put out a fucking mask. It's a fucking right. And everybody else, you fucking white people that think you're better than everybody because you pay taxes and you fucking drive a priest. So what? Go fuck yourself.

Put on your mask. Black people, they're trying to kill us. Put on your mask If it ain't a fucking cop It's a bullet Now it's some Chinese doing a laboratory Trying to kill you And Mexicans

First of all If three is over 200 pounds I don't want to see it together Every time I see seven fat Mexicans COVID is coming It took out of family down in Orange County If you're seven M8 Mexicans And you're heavy, knock it off

Invite three skinny cousins Who just got here And ran to three miles No more than four fat Mexicans can get together. And that's Cuban, Salvadorans. You Puerto Ricans, too. You're not excluded. You have black and you have Spanish.

You guys, they're rolling the dice down there in Puerto Rico. Put your fucking mask on. Social distance and have a little fucking respect. You see a line? Fuck six feet, ten feet. Put on your mask. I don't enjoy it either. Look at me.

I look like a fucking... I look like I just got out for fucking, uh, sucking 300 dicks. This is what you look like when they throw you out. What happened to him? They ran a train through him last night at the gay bar with 300 dicks. I don't like wearing a mask. Does it say in the American Constitution? No.

But right now, as Americans, what's going on? And the numbers in Florida, Texas, Arizona, and California, wear your fucking mask. It's Monday. Go out there. and be a fucking champion. The church of what's happened now thanks to you. I want to thank Eleanor Kerrigan.

I want to thank fucking Lee Lee Leeland. And I want to thank you guys for all the support of what's going on in each other's lives. You need comedy? I got the fucking answer. You understand me? But it all starts with the mask. I don't give a fuck.

You're going to hate me for this. But as part of the church, us, we got to be Marines in this shit. We put on our mask. Have a great week. Have a great Monday, God best here. Take this motherfucker, Meal Lee.

Get this fucking mask off me. Oh, C-H-U-R-C-H in the box, like a motherfucker. And start with their 10% off. You like the product? They got to stay on the product where they send it right to your fucking house every month on the first.

You don't have to do dick. You know, leave the house. You got to click on the page. They'll send you the hemp protein to your house. They'll send you the alpha brain to your house. They'll send you the shroom tech. You'll be walking around like Kip Kooke. You know what I'm fucking think you're dealing with you?

At least I am. How high are you? I'm really high. Look at the, what the fuck? You are high, dog. 10 milligrams. That was not. At least give me the credit I deserve it. That was like, what, 70?

It was 70. If we split it, it's 35. You're like a happy jack or lantern. Anyone ever told you that? That's how I feel. You wait 35 milligrams. Okay. And the joint I got here, this is East Bay Grown.

Somebody gave me a nice present. I forgot to call you and thank you. I got the stuff in my wallet. Let me see if I don't want to be rude. I don't want to be here love and vain. It's not like you're not high. These people took good care of me. How often do you get high, Lee, whenever I'm with him?

You get tired of people. He's got to go to debt school here. You know, this ain't known. What happens if the fuck? If the Russians get you, they're going to give you goulash? Fuck no. They're going to make you smoke dope every day, and you're going to be prepared. They can't trick you.

They're going to tell you your Russians. Russian Jew. You had to talk suck my dick and call me Shorty. I was born in 1940. I don't know nothing. What the fuck you're talking about? I know nothing. All I know is the Marines' birthday today. Did you people know that?

Yeah. How many years today? I don't know. How many years you don't fucking know these people? The reason why your people use your fucking Yamika is because of the fucking Marines, huh? And you don't know. You got some fair balls. It's

their birthday. Don't make me make you get and fucking 139th birthday 239 birthday defending this beautiful fucking country I want to salute the Marine Corps or you savages at your house keep stabbing motherfuckers shoot them in the head take their heroin

do what the fuck you gotta do you got one shot of being a fucking soldier you guys are out there who the fucking us to judge it who the fuck are we to judge these soldiers they're fucking Marines 230-night battalion and shit don't make me go crazy

and start stabbing motherfuckers today Sam Trippling What's going on with you? I know you had the CD. A CD went out, just writing. Don't make me start it. Oh, shit. There we go.

Why you got to do this to me? I'm getting emotional and shit, man. The Marines, be all you could be. I salute you, bad motherfuckers. I salute any of you using the armed forces. The Army, the Navy, the fucking Coast Guard, the Air Force. You're out there banging that.

Shit gets heavy. Who do you think goes down first? You fuck, fuck. Old Navy. Old Navy. I love you as all. But happy birthday to the Marines. The baddest motherfuckers out there.

Four fucking servicemen were sitting around a campfire one night. And they were telling stories. The guy in the Army Ranger was talking about how he stabbed three Puerto Ricans in the war of Ouija Mi. The Air Force guy was talking about how he shot down a bunch of

fucking Vietnamese cock-suckers in the war of fucking two fingers. And the Navy guy to the seal, he put explosives and the whole time, the Marine was staring the suit with his dick. You understand me, the thing was boiling, and the Marine was just staring it with his dick. Salute you, happy birthday, you bad motherfucking savages.

That's how you do it. You fucking put your heart on tape when you salute the armed forces. You think I'm going to be one of those momos at the airport saluting them. Fuck, no, they got the green suit on. They got chemical warfare. I keep fucking walking. What the fucking thing you're dealing with Joey bananas on a Monday night? You were sitting there watching some Monday night football like a step that you are.

You know what I'm saying? Are you that fucking stone? Why are you looking at me? No, no, no, no, because I'm, I think you're looking at you. You seriously, like, you're somebody that I respect your opinion. Right now. I'm picking up that scene in Man on Fire. Uh-huh.

Where he's got the Mexican do with the glasses and the car and he's about to cut his fingers over. That's how you were looking. that's fucking funny man even as his hands no say that I that I think that's so fucking funny man no no I'm listening

to you talking and I'm like and I'm really in you know you you learned you worked with Gabriel the last couple years 10 years I worked with Joe

for fucking 10 years on the road you know how many weekends here and there and you learn you learn the character of a comic you learn the evolution of a comic You learn how the first year everybody's jumping up and down and everybody's drinking.

And now it gets a little calmer, but it's crazier in another department. You know what I'm saying? And how tours change. Because it's never really a tour. It was an endless tour. Yeah, it was the never-ending tour. The name would change, but it was a, it was like a 20-year journey. Like, I mean, not quite 20, but, I mean, Gabriel, he just, what, celebrated a.

20-year? Dude, 20 years of his career, and a lot of it was spent, you know, I'm, you know, I was fortunate enough to see a big portion of it, you know, from a very early phase. You know, I mean, he just, I mean, he blew up in front of us, really. You know, we saw him go to another level from, you know, zero to a billion. The bicycle club on Thursday nights, $35. You're going to pick it up on Friday between four and six. That's when I want to go to the fucking 7-10

Between 4 and 6 on the Friday, those cock-suckers So it was crazy That we got to see the hotels, how they changed. Yeah. How it went from plane to buses To your own personal bus To maybe a private jet To maybe, you know

From, it wasn't Delaware no more in Philadelphia And now you're going to fucking Europe and Germany No seriously, it went from Southwest Airlines to fucking private jets. Private jets. Yeah, and sometimes not even Southwest Airlines, sometimes driving in a car, you know, four people deep,

if it's to Arizona or fucking, you know, or to, you know, Bakersfield, San Francisco, San Jose. Yeah, yeah, you guys always took it like a van. Yeah, we took, we drove, we, we, it wasn't always private place. And in retrospect, I look at it. Yeah.

And it was very much Kennesish, without even seeming condition. You guys were all good friends. Nobody was really going off to Deep end with cocaine or, you know, shooting heroin with hookers or missing radio, but he was very professional. It was magic. But it was a different type of magic.

It was a different type of magic. I got to see it a few times. Yeah. And I could feel the love in the room, you know. After the fucking thing, Gabriel, go eat. And dirty people, you know what I'm saying? Everybody's eating like a fucking king. and people ask them for pictures

it's a surreal world it really was to be in to be a part of that world and and taste it you know and at whatever level it is you know there's people that have come in and you know done that Gabriel's brought out

on the road for certain gigs that see the the magnet because people unless you see it it's really hard to know you can't describe it without sounding kind of like almost like you're boasting or bragging or something. But it's like I've seen people like look at, like I've seen, dude, I've seen families that will say things like, you know,

we just buried our such and such relative who was a huge fan and we actually had his picture of you. It was like a shrine to him that they buried this man with. You know, and then they all, like, and then they go to this place to eat out in the middle of Texas and in San Antonio, I think we were, and they run into Gabe right after, like, legit, they're there for dinner after they just buried this kid, you know,

and they see Gabe, and it might have been, it was almost like if, you know, like if Jesus would have walked in back in the day, the way these people were looking out of them. You also got to see how a really good comic acts. Yeah. How a really good comic, just the composure. You know, I got to learn a lot from Joe Rogan guys,

a lot on the road. opening for him, you know, I added some things. I would say, listen, why are we doing this? Why are we leaving at one and rocking a whole day? Let's put this together and get the fuck out of here early. You know, like, I would add some stuff and it all worked, and today, that's

what the system I used today. I use the same fucking system every week. I was never a Gabriel's guy. I really like traveling alone most of the time, to be honest with you. I think it's a big responsibility. I like what Gabriel was doing. But it was

weird because nobody was looking at it. I saw you guys somewhere. I think it was in Irvine with Felicia. And I go, you know what nobody has mentioned about this? That this has a kettison vibe to it. Like Gabriel would do, you know, it would take you 40 minutes to you who got to see Gabriel. And there was four guys doing 10 minutes apiece,

four of them with different fucking views. It was interesting, you know. And then somebody was talking to me, somebody from the church recently, maybe in Utah, they asked me if I had seen Gabriel's move, or they went to see Gabriel, and he had a halftime during his show. Yeah, intermission.

There was an intermission, and it was fucking amazing. It was just a... It was an event. It is an event, it still is an event. I mean, I shouldn't say it was an event, it still is an event. So you get to learn a lot. Yeah, you see, it becomes, you know,

I mean, when you went to one of the concerts, it was that, it was a concert. It was really a fucking... It wasn't a stand-up show. It was a legit concept. Well, you go home and you scratch your head. You're like, I got to reevaluate what the fuck I'm doing because that was magical.

It was magical. It was magical. And I said, those are the words that I've used to describe it to Gabriel. We've seen a lot of magic, a lot of magical fucking moments. But the beauty of it is, bro, that one day you say, you know what, I don't even want what Gabriel has. I don't even want what Joe Rogan has. It's a lot of responsibility.

just want to go out and do my own thing. I've been in this town long enough. I want a headline. I got the chops. I've got the credits. And that's what you're doing right now. You're in the process of, uh, you were telling me you're doing like an unspoken

fucking. Oh, it's fucking crazy. Now, let me just add to this. Because this to me is one of the most, if I got a cut, if I got a I think one time you were on the podcast and I touched on it, But if I have to go through the top 10 nights I've had in my 20 years in Los Angeles,

you know, when we first get into comedy, we're very fortunate. Nobody calls me for those anymore. Not that I'd want to do them because you're busy, you're doing the podcast. But that was a time where you would get your phone would ring every fucking day that somebody would have a bar and somewhere. Yeah. You were doing comedy that night and you would get 30 bucks. and a meal.

Jesus, 30 bucks on a couple of drink tickets. Let me ask you something. Can you get me out of there by 945? Because I got to be at the comedy store by 10.30. Tell me the truth. Don't bullshit me, dog. Is there a Dodger game? Fucking tell me the truth.

You know what I'm saying? Because I got other spots. And it was, and you went down there, you got to see different comics. I don't have that in my life no more. That's gone. But there was a time with Maryland, that Maryland would call me twice a week.

Maryland was the king of the hustle. Say whatever you want to. about Maryland. God rest of the soul. She would call me McGilley, Martin Moreno's booking a room and whatever. He wanted to know if you'll take $50 for 20 minutes. Dave will drive. I'm like, fuck it.

Those are the fun fucking days. God rest of all. He's going to be an anniversary, 10 years. Can I tell you that, you know, you meet a lot of people. You meet a lot of fucking people. and, you know, out of a lot of a lot of people that I know, no one reaches out as consistently to say,

hey, how are you? I fucking love you. Like, you know, because we don't hang out all the time. No, no, no. We don't hang out all the time. We don't hang out of the time. We see each other rarely, you know. But, but I, dude, you, we, you check in.

And you actually, genuinely, you've always have since I met you. You've never stopped checking and saying, hey, I'm just checking to see how you're doing. There's not too many genuine people you mean. You know, and not, but Maryland would do the same thing. Yeah, you have to check that. This is what family, don't. And it was, it was. This is what's all about.

This is part of it. You know, I always felt like, holy fuck, you guys. You guys are. What a real deal. Real motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's funny, I go to this fucking bar. I had met you maybe twice or three times before this.

And we're doing the show. I'm a blast. I think Maryland's up before me. You're on a stage. and all of a commotion, I don't know what the fuck it is. And I go, Malo, what's going on? She goes, oh, my God, Martinez is going outside to fight this guy. I go, what are you talking about?

He was just on stage. And he goes, he's going outside because I guess he said something about the president, the guy's a soldier. Or something fucking crazy, and they got to pull up politics. Then, like, 10 minutes later, it was the next comic. You were hosting it. You went up there, your shirt was torn a little bit. He had a couple smacks in his mouth.

and you went back on stage and did the comedy and now you were friends like you bought him a shot something weird had happened Martina it was it was just a fucking like you just you reason with somebody you know when you just like tell somebody you know when you get to that point where you can't just

fucking like look you fuck you know it doesn't get more basic than this when you take it to that level with somebody no but you went outside you came back in like a gentleman You brought me up on stage, and I always admire that. I go, did you guys just know he just got into a first fire, ladies, gentlemen?

Fucking joking. Like, this is, right now. Was it Old Hambra? That was Rick Ramos's room in Alhambra. Real cute bar. Yeah, it was Rick Ramos's room in Alhambra. This had to be. Maryland's dead 10 years this November.

Wow. So this had to be, what, 15 years ago? Wow. 15 years ago, we put it at 2002. Fuck. Yes, yes. That's why I fell in love with you. When you went, you threw a couple punches.

You came back looking like a gentleman. When I left, you guys were having a beer. Everybody was happy. Somebody was missing the tooth. But it didn't matter. It all happened for the namesake of comedy. But now, you're out there. And I see your little fucking Facebook videos.

And you're at a Mexican restaurant, the hood, in Chicago. And I admire that. You know, you're out there. You get the opportunity to do this, you know, until Fluffy starts his next tool. And whatever. It feels great for you. I'm happy you're doing this. You have a website and shit.

Yeah. It has your dates. What's that? You have a website which has all your dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, my dates are on Eventbrite right now. Eventbrite. Yep.

Martin Moreno. And what's event? And what gigs are you have coming up? Shit, bro. This fucking... Drop a mommy. Right now, this Friday the 7th. seventh. Magicopolis is a freaking theater in Santa Monica, dog, right around the corner from the

promenade. Okay. It's a, so it's a, it's this pretty cool ass theater. They do, uh, this, they do magic and shit, but fucking it's, uh, it's fucking sick, bro, it's perfect for what the fuck I'm doing. You want another star, though? Joy must have been there for all those. Oh, dude, for, oh, dude, listen, let me tell you something. Do you want another star? Do I want another star? Yeah. You know what? There's no way in fuck. Like, when you call your, yourself a savage there's a lot of people that say fucking savage and they just throw that shit out there you motherfuckers are savages really too much no fuck that like let's go let's go what I could ever try to keep up with me put on the national

anthem it's fucking I'm in here trying to fucking focus like I like this fucking focus you know you know I don't know you got firecrackers listen you fly crackers no you're not gonna eat two fucking stars look at this we got this we got a bad Man. We'll finish this out, Lee. No or not? Yes, we do. What is what we're going to do?

Me and you, like fucking gentlemen. We'll finish out what's in this bad. No, no. Let's do what we'll do. Come here. Don't tell me fucking no. So hope we got to tie you up and I'll leave you in here for three days.

How much is this one? Not for you. I'll never give you two in my mind. Okay, good. Thank you. You're going to eat a half of 125. What are we doing? You see what I'm saying?

I'm not, no. We had 20-250 already. Well, listen, how many more can you? Your high was, what was your high? Your high was $3,000, that's enough. Okay, so. Wait, I'm only, so that would only put me at three percent. Yeah, so one percent is that, Lee, hold on, let me figure out my head.

Okay, I'll do one more red star. How about that? Listen, listen, let me ask a question. What's the difference between a red star and the purple star? Can I just do one more? One more red, yeah, one more purple, yeah. Promise? There's only a couple of it.

Listen, there's four. Let's do two apiece. No, no, that's easy already. Oh, guys, you see what happens. This is like the guy at the fair. But look at this. Look, look at this. Look, look, look, look.

Look, we're done for the week. No, we're not. We have plenty of more stars. Look, bro, would I lie to you? What are you talking about? You're surrounded by a million of stars. These are 125s. This is for a different mission we're using.

You know, we can't. We have to eat 22, 125 just to get the party stuff. You guys are like Rick and Morty, bro. We got two little stars here. You're going to see animals at the fucking, at the whatever. At the zoo? No, you're the place. At the pet store.

The pound? Yeah, you're going to rescue people. Yeah, you're going to have these little stars. Oh, shit. They're just looking at you. Sarah McLaughlin's going to do a row. Look at their eyeballs. They started with like 20 friends.

And they all got pigs. You're going to walk by these little fucking, look how they're looking at you. They're crying. I'll do one, dude. Where else are you going? Please, please. You're not going to eat two of them. Those two came together.

You know how we do it here. What's four and 2250 is what? I don't want it to 2650, dude. That's crazy. What would you do? What would you do? 2450. All right.

There you go. Thank you. Go to tell. What are you doing? I want to watch you, Cox, I don't trust you. What do you don't trust me? No, I don't trust me.

No, I don't try. Put the national anthem. All right. Wow. What's the problem, man? Listen, this last... There you go. There you go.

Oh, shit. It's time, cock suckers. It's over. It's over. Lee, eat that last fucking star. Like this, like a soldier. That's it. Do you understand that my 125's just kicking in hard as fuck?

That shit came in like a swan... Like a fucking wave. Let me tell you, that's not 200, that's from the bottom of the bag. It's filled. Turn, turn that off. That's not the one I'm looking for. There's no way I could keep up with you, fuckers. There's no way I could even dream of it.

I don't want anybody ever come on this show. Uh-huh. And think for one second that they have to keep up with a war. We just want you to come on the show. Have a good time. Get stone to the kills. Get some water. And that's it.

Do a bonnet of the two. Amen. About music. 2015, we're getting back what belongs us. And that's it. No more. fucking around. Play the national anthem, Lee. I'm sick of these motherfuckers. Let's go the good one too. With shoots and fucking people missing legs, I want to hear the good one, Lee Sayyad. The ball's in your

fucking court. No more fucking around. You want your life to be better? I can't help you. Lee can't help you. Joe Rogan can't help you. Ari can't help you. God can't fucking help you. Only you can fucking help you. Grab your fucking balls. Get a fucking notebook and write down what the fuck you're going to do this year. And this is it. You're not going to have these problems. Fuck the drugs, fuck the cigarettes, fuck that dumb bitch, it all starts fucking today, all right? No more fucking excuses That's the fucking, this is the year of the fucking soldier. It's 2015. We're going in like fucking Marines, you understand me? Welcome to church, motherfucker