The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #179 - Joey Diaz, Rudy Moreno and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 21, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt welcome comedian Rudy Moreno for the first time. Joey and Rudy talk about what it was like starting comedy and the state of Latino comedy in LA. This podcast is brought to you by: Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 05/21/2014.

This show is sponsored by Dollar Shaveclub.com. Get high-quality raises sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to Dollar Shaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshave club.com slash church. Or just go to Joey Diaz.com and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. The show is also sponsored by Nature Box, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order.

Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com, promo code Joey. And last of the show is also sponsored by NailedatLife.com. For all the oil and wax smokers out there, for the premier vapor pen on the market, go to NailedItLife.com. Mentioned Joey Diaz and get 20% off. Are you kidding me or what? Wednesday, May 21st.

The day the devil was lit on fire, that fucking cock sucker right here. Bam, butt fuck the whole thing. It's pretty, creepy we have a little house like a stage for the devil get a better than see but fuck that cop-sucker it's Wednesday get it together pick your socks up brush your teeth wash your ass

polish your toenails do something get out there and stab a motherfucker Ozzy Osbourne 1969 dropping it on you like a fucking savage when he was John Osborne hit itly kick this motherfuckerly if this don't get your heart pumping nothing will last time I listened to this

I mug the fucking shoe shine man Let's do it. Fuck it. $18 is $18. I don't give a fuck. Hit it! What? Wiggle Lee, this is it.

See, what? Bung hits. Heroin hits. Whatever you got, we need today. It's Wednesday. What? Kick it Lee. But panel, you should be rolling that first fucking number right now.

I don't give a fuck if you got to go to work. You're in a rush. Your mom's assholes on fire. Everything in proportion. Light that fucking bong and it's over What's up, gore the fucking music? What's a block party? I was gonna say, how much money could you possibly get from a shoe shine?

$18, $18, 19, whatever the fuck. It's the way to start that day. I hit him with a shoe, and fuck it, I left them there. What are you gonna do? It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. You're in it, cock suckers, get out there. Smile, read a fucking book. Do something.

It's better than just sitting there with a thumb up your ass, Waiting for fucking, you know, the looser for the show up with an opportunity. It ain't going to happen, dog. It's 2014, cocksuckers. What's happening, Lee, Syatt? You smiley, motherfucker you. What's going on here? Nothing.

I feel great. It's amazing. People always ask me how I can do this. I love doing this. I mean, when the alarm clock goes off, I'm like, eh. But as soon as I get here, it's always happy. What fucking alarm clock? I haven't had an alarm clock go off in years.

Yes, you have. You just wake up. You just wake up. What the fuck? I got up at three, and then I slept in the alarm clock go off. What are you talking about? It sounded like fucking debt. The alarm clock goes off, it's dead.

You ever get the alarm clock going off? You don't know where the fuck you are. You're like, what the fuck? Well, that must happen to you with you being on the road so much. Oh, Jesus Christ. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of night and look, and it's not the pictures on your wall. That's how you could, you know what I'm saying?

It's rough, but I'm home for two weeks. Had a good time yesterday. Met with Jessica. She's going to expedite the book. It was fucking great. I broke down when I was talking to her because I wanted to understand. what I wanted this book to be, basically. I want people to feel what I felt until I was 27,

because that's what I know people feel, and the general. What I felt was nothing different with what people feel. You know, when you're confused, you want to do something with your life, you've got no help, you don't even know what the fuck you want to do. That's the sad thing. When you're at that age where you don't even know what the fuck you do and you're scared to think about it for yourself, you know, and then it gets clearer.

So I want to draw that picture. I really want to get that written well because I want people to read that and go, Jesus fucking Christ, you know what I'm saying? If this is what he was going through, I ain't going through dick. I ain't going through shit. You know, we always think of what we're going through is like the top, the worst thing. People go through shit every fucking day, you know, and people go through worse shit. You know, one of those girls, what are those fucking kidnapped girls going through?

You know, those poor fucking African girls with flies on them smelling shit on the farm right now. and then you're worried about a fucking you don't have the right nail color for your fucking toenails sometimes you don't really put in perspective how lucky we are you know so that's it what's up with you

cocksucker went to jihitsu yesterday you did wow yeah I went to jihitsu I took some I'll tell you man and it's hard to believe I took shroom tech yesterday and I went to jihitsu first off today I feel fucking great

we were learning a move yesterday where it was like a guard retention but my top leg goes over instead of the legs slicing and I had it throw like a thousand roundouts kicks we were drilling it and I feel fucking great today but while I was there before I left there was only two guys my size one guy was soft in the night before so I rolled with one guy and five minutes was like nothing I wasn't even fucking breathing that been at the tap nothing my air was fine actually I could

did a couple more hip escapes it's amazing how much you know some guy wrote today maybe a nice guy goes the vapors for you almost as bad as the weed I tell you what is as bad as the weed is the smoke. There's no more smoke coming into my lungs. And I'm going to tell you something right now. With all the little things I do, I knew that with the epileptical, with the fucking jujitsu,

and with the kettlebells on the timer, my cardio would increase and my breathing would get better. But I'll tell you what, guys, it didn't. And I knew that there was something going on. Either there was a vitamin I was deficient at, either there was one of my valves and my heart was fucked up, or I had to stop smoking. So I said, let me do the easiest one

without getting the worst bad news. Let me stop smoking. And guys, the cardio has gone up, you know, 30, 40%. You know, I'm not dying no more. I walk up the stairs now and I'm not fucking huffing and puffing just on a regular day. So it wasn't the vapor or anything. It was the smoke.

The smoke was damaging my fucking lungs. Three, four, five fucking years ago, I got a lung x-raying. And they told me at the beginnings of emphysema. You could hear it. So what the fuck? You know what I'm saying? And so you have to do something.

Yeah. I want to live. I want to be around. I want to be able to go to the park with mercy, you know, as you saw last night. At fucking 8.30, it never ends. And she's in bed by 8 o'clock every night. That's what surprised she was there. At 20 to 9, she was fucking dancing to Wally Kazam.

At 9, she was dancing to Wally Kazam. And Lee was like, what the fuck is going on? There was people in the house. She's fucking moving. It's really amazing, huh? Lee. Yeah, it was crazy. And you were fine doing you did it with your knee?

Because I know your knee is kind of fucking hurting you right now. Well, I'll tell you what happened. My knee hurts. But what are my options to sit in the house and milk and cry? So what I did was I found a way to work out without it fucking killing me. So I'll go. I'll stretch it out real well. I'll put a brace on it.

And then when I get home, I elevated. Last night I took two of leaves. You know, when I got home, one of leave to loosen the pain a little bit. Well, this is this a fucking earthquake again? That's all I need. I thought there was one last night. and I go every other day. Yesterday I had nothing,

and I just couldn't blow off into the John Evan class, you know, on a Tuesday because usually I work out on Monday, so my Tuesday, my knee's kind of small. I go to fucking acupuncture. I went yesterday, and it was one of the best classes I went. I laughed, you know, I huffed and puffed, I sweat. I went home, my ghee was fucking wet.

Once my ghee is wet, that's what I go for. I strive for my underwear being wet. I strive for my knee pads being sweaty. Then I know I sweat everywhere, you know, when you have something on top of you're sweating. But when I got home yesterday, I got bad news. I got a Facebook message from a girl in the doctor's office. I'm very tight with. And she told me my need was no bueno to call for an appointment ASAP because he's going on.

He wasn't in the office the rest of the week. So I called him and made an appointment for Tuesday at once. So let's see what really is going on in my knee. But you know what? I knew I needed something. Something is not right in there. I'm no doctor to tell you what's in there. It could be a variation of things.

I'm walking. I've learned to deal with it. You learn to deal with it, you know. And you know that the more you sit down, when you have an injury like that, the more you sit and think about it, the worse it gets. And the best thing you can do is to give that injury blood. The more blood you give that injury to heal, you know, just a little stretch, just a little something that will heal that. And I really believe that. You know, I was watching the UFC countdown with Rodney Waller.

And he fought the beard on a Saturday night for the championship. And that Monday he went to work out. And he said, I went to work out to get some blood and the muscles to relieve the soreness. And sometimes I feel my wrist was hurting, Monday and Sunday and Monday. I went to Jiu-Jitza yesterday. It doesn't hurt as much today. You give it blood. You exercise it.

You know, there comes a point where you know what's excessive pain or it's too much. And you have to stop with this. Some things sometimes are just stiff because the muscle around it hard. You got to break that fucking seal and put some blood in that motherfucker cocksucker. And that was it, my brother. That was a

really non... I wrote some jokes. I play with... When I come home on these weekends, I really enjoy that. I enjoy playing with mercy and watching cartoons. She loses her mind when fucking Wally Kazam comes on. She giggles by herself.

She's been giggling over Wally Kazam by herself for two months. I mean, not loud. Me and my wife, look at these. They're like, fucking Wally's

that funny, but Wally is fucking funny. The little bird on there, it's fucking hilarious that show. And the problem of Wally Kazam is only a couple fucking episodes. So she watches repeats.

They only put, like, they only squeeze out like one episode every two fucking weeks. Like last week was Victor the fucking villain. How many times I've watched Victor the fucking villains

last week? I know it by fucking memory. She sits there. Look at it. Like, it's the first time every time. It's very, uh, You know, it's great to see that.

It's like the first time she hears a song. That's so funny. So, what the fuck? I don't know. The vapor has got to me. Sure, that's what they're supposed to do. I'm supposed to give you a little blood to your fucking blood vessel to your fucking brain, cocksucker.

What do you got planning to? You can do some jumping jacks like? Yeah, I'm looking at a couple apartments after this, and then Paula is coming over, but we've been talking. She just started working out, so we're going to go take a couple walks together and start doing that together. Uh-oh. What are you going to do?

Where are you going to work out at that time? Just go on some walks. No, I mean, she's been doing that DVD tape, so she's going to bring it. Maybe we'll try it out. Who knows? Absolutely. And after the way, you give her the high, hard one. You get that monkey nice and smiling, you know what I'm saying?

She's been studying. Like a savage way. She's been studying for two months, so it's been like maybe once a week all see her. So this begins going to be fun. You're going to see her all weekend? Yeah. It's over. You're breaking out the rows.

You're going to rub her feet. You're going to throw a great. I'm eventually going to have to get a robe, I guess. You can't sit there in your underwear and you're fucking with no shirt on. It's embarrassing. If you put a robe mine, you look fucking distinguished like fucking Humphrey Bogart. You want to look like some moot? You want to look like Humphrey Bogart.

I guess I want to look like Humphrey Bogart. Okay, then. Then fucking get the robe. You put your name on. They're like a Jewish star. You get a couple of them. So when you travel, people see the pride you have. What are you doing?

Walk around with it on at the airport? Fuck it. Why not? If that's what it calls for? You know what I'm saying? Who walks around? road. Might be like everybody else. Be original. Will you walk around

too? Why not? Cuban flag on it. Cuban flag. A picture of a fucking dick upside down. Something. Just let these fucking people know who's running the shit. You know what I'm saying? So it's pretty crazy that the bug is coming together because, I mean, when you think about it, you've been working on it for years.

Fucking years. Trying to figure out what's important. We had the first guy calling him a while ago. Yeah, figure out what's important and what's not important. It's you know, I don't want to tell the stories that people know already. I want to tell more of the people of my state of mind. You know, and it was fear.

It was just fear. You know, you hit it on the head. You said, you've got to open up the chapter with that story after you got thrown out of the benders walking down the hill of the runnies. You know what I was thinking. Like, this is not going to work. This is my second home that I'm living in. You know, I'm a senior in high school.

I'm a junior in high school. You know, I'm working. I was just, I made every fucking mistake. at that level. You know, I just did every stupid kid mistake there is, you know. Do you think the way you, though the childhood you had, made it

easier for you not to judge people because, like, thinking about it, just even going to jail, it's easy for me to, like, for, I think people, I judge a lot like this, this kid who I went to high school with, who's been in and out of jail and then, like, you start judging him. And, like, you really shouldn't, but, I mean, it's the easiest,

it's kind of, like, the easiest thing to do is complain. Well, when you judge, you're giving up. That's what you're doing. You're giving up on somebody. Listen, man, encouragement is the biggest thing you give somebody. Sam Tripley put out his CD last night. Oh, cool. Well, he put it out yesterday.

It's number three right now, and I talked to him yesterday. You know, and he called, and he was very humble. He goes, can you help me out? Can you tweet it? And it's funny how I'm really proud of Sam Tripley. I really am in my heart, guys. I really fucking am. I still remember the night Sam walked into the fucking comedy store.

One of the biggest lessons in comedy I got was from Sam one night when he went up there. He was a young kid, and he was up there talking about doing ecstasy with Chinese people and shit. And these fucking people were old, and they weren't getting them. And I'm in the back howling because of what the situation is. He's pitching it like he's a fucking Carnegie Hall. He's fucking pitching these jokes like he's at Carnegie Hall talking about Exocity and jumping up and down the race. and some chick sucked his dick and blah blah blah blah and these people were fucking 90 but it was the comedy store was dark so he couldn't see it he couldn't see the audience okay so do you understand i've seen what sam tripley's done when you you know you see all these people that want to come into this town and be fucking pirates they want to be talent pirates they want to come into this town and make this shit happen and in three years they fucking not even two years they're gone yeah they're gone you know and i saw this million a fucking time.

So to see somebody like Sam Tripoli come here, you know, he opened for Pablo for a while, whatever, he went on to do his own thing, Sam, you know, he's part of Debt Squad. He goes to, you know, he did the podcast with Joey yesterday. He's at the story. You know, Sam's out there banging every night. I like these guys that try to contact me

and they either want to go on the road or do the podcast or do this. I know they're doing it half-ass. They're doing everything fucking half-ass. And in a way I feel bad because I'm not helping them, but what would my help do? What would this fucking podcast do for them? Give them a couple things.

They're going to keep doing the same habits they've been doing. When you see somebody who's out there, you know, Sam still does the fucking naughty show. Sam has a fucking podcast on Playboy. Sam has this. Sam has that. You know, and I was just really proud of him, man. I could hear it in this voice saying, Joey, thank you.

That's encouragement. You know, I'm a firm believer that, listen, if you go up to something and go, hey man, I have an idea. I want to rob a bank and shoot the teller in the head. Don't encourage me. You know what I'm saying? Don't go. That's a great fucking idea, Joey. But if somebody comes to you and goes,

Lee, can I talk to you about something from heart to heart? Because I know it's happened to people that listen to this podcast. Listen, man, this fucking job guy got out here, it pays okay, but I'm not happy. I think I want to be a fucking printer. I think I want to go back to school and be a printer and print brochures and all. open up my own business.

There's some people that look at you and go, you know what, you're a 43-year-old fucking loser. What are you going to do with your life? Those people, it's the person who looks in the angle. Listen, bro, it's going to be rough, but I believe in you. I believe in you, man. Go for it. And you give you a hug, and we have a snapple,

and everybody goes home. But that little thing, that's huge encouragement. Encouragement from your family, which sometimes you don't get. You know what I'm saying? They think they care about you. They want you to be secure. They want you to get the definite route, the high percentage career.

which is going to school and getting a job. That's high percentage. Not anymore, though. Not in this society. Not anymore. It's not guaranteed. You know, Paul is very lucky. She's going to go to law school and do this and, you know, get a job.

She's probably going to get a, she's got an internship this son, which pays at the DA's office. No, it doesn't pay. But the crazy thing is, is she's not guaranteed. There's someone in her law school class who's 40-something now, just because there were no jobs. but I read articles all the time how a lot of law schools like some girl was actually suing her law school because they promised

like she felt like she didn't get the job she was supposed to get after. But was that girl going out every fucking day? Oh yeah. That's what you know I can give you the fucking horse. If you don't get on it and fucking do 90 miles an hour what good is having a fucking horse? Right. You follow me? There's people that

you know there's people that do not know. You and I are learning a valuable lesson that the gift of hustling It's not a gift everybody has. Not everybody had a sticky Charlie in their fucking life. Not everybody has those opportunities. Not everybody knows how to put those opportunities together. I was talking to Jessica yesterday,

and I was talking to her about when I used to rob the gas stations. You know, I never robbed a gas station with a fucking gun. I drove around, I saw a gas station that needed help wanted. Okay? Number one, I had a buddy who worked at a gas station. So he gave me the names of people who got fired from the gas. from the gas station for stealing. Okay.

I would take their names and I would go into a gas station. I would give a phony address and a phony phone number to a pay phone. That I would hustle. I would look around and drive around

look for fucking pay phones or walk around. And then I would go into this gas station when he was busy. Most of the ships in the gas station they're looking for are not 9 to 5. They're 4 to 12

or 12 to 8 in the morning. Jesus. They're dying to fill those jobs because guess who's working that shift until you find somebody? You got three kids, you got two other gas stations, you know, you got a wife, you got a girlfriend, you got to order the gas, you got to order the, you follow me?

Yeah. So I come in, I look decent, and I go, I'm looking for a job. What position you're looking for? Four to 12. Can you start today? I knew I had them. Even though I put the name on the fucking,

even though I put the name on the application and the address and the fight phone number, I gave it to the guy, the guy told me Come back at fucking four. Even if he called the gas station and got a reference, we gave her the name to the manager. So

they would call the gas station and ask for my buddy. You follow me and my buddy would say, by the way, when you call for the reference next time, it's this such and such. We didn't even do it that way. I gave my buddy a different name. So if my buddy's name was James, I gave

him Louis I forget what the name was so if they did call for a reference I would always go for a job when he was working he would give them a reference and then they'd say who am I speaking with and he'd say the owner Lee Syatt so bam I had the job and the reference you understand me so now I went in the whole reason there's background checks now right I went in that 330 Jersey and Portland Oregon are the only states that you have to pump gas that's a attendant has to pump gas so what I would do is I would go in there at 3.30, do the necessary

paperwork, put my gas pumping suit on, and I would work 4 to 12. You know how many cars start coming in at 430? 1000. And I would get a gas station that was strategically close to a turnpike. So people would have to stop

in there and get fucking gas. You know, I remember getting the job out of the Turnpike gas station one time. I made a fucking $1,200 bucks. Oh, the ones that are on the gas station? On the fucking Turnpillar. I took one of those down. one time and it was hysterical how I would go work three hours get two three thousand dollars

and then called George and one of my other friends to just pick me up and I tell them super that I had or whatever that I had to fucking go to the bathroom yeah I'd get my fucking gas pumping suit off I'd walk to the car and get in the car and I'd leave with three thousand dollars did you like keep a notebook like okay I can't go to this gas station ever again I just knew it I just knew it I just know because I didn't do the gas stations in my neighborhood you don't shit where you sleep okay I would drive 30, 40, fucking miles, the white gas stations,

gas stations that didn't, that I would never see again. You don't shit where you sleep. You don't shit in your neighborhood. This is your neighborhood. You never cause a problem. And even I had that education, I still fucked up.

And 87, when I had the credit card at the mall and Boulder. Same thing. You never shit where you sleep. You go to the malls outside the area. Did you ever get anxiety doing it? Like, after, as you were leaving, like, anytime a cyber run by,

you weren't like, like, oh. like just hearing about it makes me nervous I was always scared now walking around scared is one thing smoking a joint on top of fear is another oh my god

so at the end of the night I would go to my hotel whoever the fuck I was staying my friend's house I'd be high and in the middle of the high that thought would come into my mind that I robbed a gas station today and I put together in my mind

all the possible scenarios and how they could catch me and my heart would beep and I'd get scared because there's always a fuck up in every crime as a fuck-up. There's too many variables. There's too many steps. You always do

something wrong. That's why the cops try to retaste your steps and grab one of those steps. Did they not have cameras back then? No. Not like now. Jesus. Not like now. In those days, they probably had a camera on the register and the guy who was taking

the change, but not on the gas station. Fuck. And that's another crazy thing we were talking about last night about the money you were making and how you put the rest up your nose. So if you robbed $3,000 in a couple hours, me as the Jew,

but like, oh, okay, I can get an apartment. You're still living in your friends. You're like, okay, I have $3,000, 100s for food. The rest is going on my nose. Let's say I was living with George, and I made $3,000, I'd give him $500 off the bat. Okay. So I had George.

Anything I needed, I had George. I didn't just give him $50. I gave him a nickel. Bam, take a nickel. So that's $2,500. I'd probably buy some clothes Go for a nice steak dinner Talk some shit

And I buy like an eight ball or two So it'd be gone in a look a day Three days Jesus And then I'd start all over again Then let be another mind fuck I go borrow 500 from a loan shark Give him eight weeks

And then go pay the fucking eight weeks So it's it was It was fucking amazing I lived my life My heart beating every fucking minute That's how I used to live my life That's why I moved to Colorado I slept in three weeks

straight in 93. I told it was because I was getting acclimated. You get acclimated to the altitude, but no. It was because the stress level in my life. You know, just running. When you're running and fucking gunning like that. I was watching one of those jail shows, and they brought in, like, a homeless guy who was on drugs, and they said, he was like, acting up, so they put him in, like, a cell by

himself. And they said, well, he'll be asleep. He'll sleep it off. And they said, like, that's sometimes the best sleep they get is in jail, because they don't always have to be looking over their shoulder, which was crazy for me. even think about. The best sleep you'll get is in prison. They are their conditioning. You know, they have a little cool. I mean, they maintain it cool. You're not going to sweat off fucking...

No, but I'm just saying, like, you don't have to keep looking over your shoulder. No, no, I'm just a joke. It's a joke, cuck, I'm too far. I'm dialed in here, cocksucker. It takes them on vape bits. Jesus. You need a couple of vapids to get your fucking day gone. But it's just really weird how I did that for a long time and never fucking flinchly. And I must have done 15. of them in fucking three months.

15 of those fucking things in three months. And they can never, you know, what are you going to fucking do, man? It was just a part of growing up. Jesus. That's what the book is going to be. You know, I mean, like I said, I want the people to understand

what I went through from 79 to 85, which was fucking every emotion, every fucking fear possible. You know, it's like when you see the Godfather and Michael's about to shoot Salazzo and the fucking police captain. You know, I've always said it when he walks out of that. Before he walks out of the bathroom, there's a train stopping, screeching, its brakes.

But at the same time, it's him going deaf. You know, it's that screeching sound. Like you just hear, like, your heart and your heart, your adrenaline, everything gets to this fucking level where they just don't connect anymore. It's like an equalizer. Yeah. You know, an equalizer is equal. Your mind, you're about to do something bad. Your mind knows it.

Your heart knows it. Your soul knows it. Your heart's fucking beaten. Your adrenaline's up. You know, it's this fucking feeling. You're a hunter. You're a fucking hunter and you're hunting a human or you're about to do something fucking bad. You don't know what the level of height is in that.

I don't, yeah. You have no idea. It's bigger than trouble. Just me thinking about it. I get scared sometimes. Like just the level of waiting for somebody in an alley, you know, about the table. you know, kicking a drug dealer's door. You know, like, remember, when I kicked a drug dealer's door in,

I wasn't fucking turning alarm systems off or windows off. I cased the building. I knew what was going on. I cased the apartment. I knew who was walking in and out at one time, and I knew I had a short fucking window. You know, sometimes things happen so fast that you don't even have a chance to react,

and they happen so fast that you have to ask yourself, what the fuck just happened? And that's what I wanted to do. That was when I robbed something, that was the illusion. You were going to hear two doors kicked down. Boom, boom. And I was going right for the thing, picking it up, taking it and getting the fuck out of it. You were going to go, what the fuck just happened?

You don't know how many times I did a crime where I busted a door down into a drug dealer's house. And when I walked out of that drug dealer's house, the people in the hallway were looking. I'd go into your old building and I kick your fucking door down. Yeah. I sit outside real nice until something Who are you waiting for? My friend, for some reason, his phone's busy. They let me in the building, that's it.

Right there, once I got on the elevator, I knew the path to your apartment. I knew the door. I knew exactly where I was going in there. I was no hesitation. I would maybe knock one time. If I didn't hear nothing, boom! I kicked the fucking door down,

going to the room. Jesus. Fucking take whatever the Coke was and get the fuck out of it. I wouldn't run. I wouldn't run. Because you look suspicious? Yeah, I would just work.

walk out like it was just mine in my home like I was giving out votes. Did you ever case of place and go in and expect something and find nothing? Nothing. What's that feel like? Like a fucking jackoff. Jesus.

But because I was dealing with drug dealers I always knew when they were picking up you know like I would buy coke from you for a month and you would tell him man I'm waiting for my guy he hasn't dropped off anything. You know he's going to drop off a fucking kilo in an hour. You got a fucking kilo. Even if you got 20 customers,

I know I'm not going to get a half a kilo next day. We'll sit out there on a roof, two miles, not even a block away with fucking binoculars, wait for you to leave. You know, I love these, you know, and there's little things that drug dealers did. You know,

that I know they're not going to stick to their schedule. They pick up a girl. That's it. Their schedule's done. Their apartment's wide open. Okay. There's so many things, you know, that's why you love the drug dealer

that goes out and gets high. That's the one you attack. The weakest out of all of them. You don't attack the drug dealer That's always thinking that you attack the guy That does his product So he could be out And he could stay out for fucking the day

You got a day to ransack this fucking place It was just so many people Did you ever like have like a girl friend And be like Okay go to a bar I know he's at this bar Distract him give me some time I didn't have a girlfriend

But I knew we had friends It was funny you mentioned that I was telling Jessica yesterday That in 85 I saw this girl That I used to hang out with Never slept with her. She was a girlfriend of a dear, dear, dear friend of mine. But she had more balls than he did.

I had done some crimes with him. Yeah. But he was still, like, legit, like kind of. She wanted to make money. She liked taking motherfuckers down. Jesus. So if I said to, hey, find out what this guy's doing or whatever, I could give her, like, a week and a half.

It was funny because yesterday I was having a conversation about a gentleman named Tommy Kenny. Tommy Kenny was somebody I bumped into it later on in my life. I bumped into him and I became dear friends with him, maybe like an 81.5. I became friends with Tommy Kenny, who was the Irish gangster over in the city. He ran with the Westies. He was older now.

He owned a few businesses and whatnot. But Tommy knew people and he knew thieves. And before I went to Colorado, I became friends with him because I would always bring jewelry over to his friend to to uh in bulk i was getting jewelry in bulk in those days and i would bring it to his uh friend to to fence okay you know so one day uh he asked me because you get great stuff we were talking about blah blah and we became friendly because you wanted help me from time to time Kenny was in on insurance crimes crimes that he was in on so he'd tell me like you got a job you're going to go to

a warehouse and you're going to work as a warehouseman for a month and just watch what time the manager in and out of that box. You know what I'm saying? In those days, like he taught me so much. He taught me, like, when you break into a safe, you don't break into a save.

You take the safe home. So you go into those places with a fucking goat dolly. Yeah. And you take the safe home. Because when I'm there robbing the safe, I only got an hour. When I'm home,

I got 15 hours. Eventually, I'll bust that thing and blow it up with a fucking stick of dynamite. Do these people still exist? Like, I can't imagine, like, you can meet a guy who's going to get you a job but insurance is to have you go work at a warehouse.

Like, are these people walking around still doing this? Jesus. It's in a different level now. Why rob? People at home in a computer right now trying to figure out how to write PayPal accounts. That's true. How to rob. You know, union pensions.

You know, it's more. It's become different. But there's still old school guys like myself that this is what they do for a living. Not going to fucking change now. You know, you don't get worse at what you do. A criminal doesn't get worse of what he does.

He gets better if he's intelligent. Okay. With me, once you go to prison, that's college. Now you start talking to people who specialize in your trade.

Honestly, you've said that before. I was thinking about that the other day. They specialize in it, but they got caught. So isn't it like taking a bad college course?

So if I tell you to come this way, right? Now you got caught going that way. Now you know you're never going to go that way again.

Okay. You're going to take that path over there and go out through that door. Once you get caught it makes you strong. It's like being a kid when your mother punishes you. You learn that you can't run that scam no more.

I got to do something completely different now. So when you go to prison, now you're talking to four or five different people that are doing what you were doing. You follow me? So you get five different perspectives. Now it becomes Gekwondo. Now it becomes five different styles. You follow me?

You learn, you know, when I got real locked up, I'm not proud to talk about this shit, but I'll tell you one thing that I learned. a lot about cops and how they do their procedures. I learned how the feds work. I learned how the local government works. I learned how they send undercover at you. I learned what amounts they go for.

I learned what the process is. A DA wants a couple of arrests to get a conviction. Okay. You know, I can't just come to me and go, hey, you know anybody's got two ounces of blow? And all of a sudden I put them on to Lee, and they just buy two ounces and make a... They're going to buy two or three multiple fucking deals

to get a conviction that's a stronger. Okay. You can't fucking plea bargain. You know, I know how they show up. I know that, you know, it's funny, like when you watch shows like Miami Vice and all these other drug shows, when drug cops show up,

and you take a kilo out there, look at it and test it and go, this is good, pay the man. They've got to do it. You know, I don't do shit with nobody who don't do something. Very seldom in my circle that I deal with people

that didn't do blow, who makes them losers because the real drug dealers don't do their product. But you're not going to sell somebody the first time 10, 20 kilos, to a guy who doesn't do it. Well, don't you think the undercover cops know that and then just do it? They do it. No shit. They do blow.

They drink. They eat pussy. They eat ass. They carry a gun. They got to act like you to establish trust. So don't you need a different way to assess? Like, if you're going to assume that an undercover cop knows this, don't you need another way to figure out who you're going to sell to?

No. What I'm trying to tell you is that I don't want America to think that when a cop comes up to you, it's all fucking legit and with a white suit and that drug dealer is that stupid that he doesn't know it's an undercover fucking cop. We could spot these motherfuckers. What you do is when you see somebody, you close your eyes

and you put a blue suit on him. If that fucking blue suit fits, they're a fucking cop, okay Lee? That's how you look at it. You could tell who's in your realm and who's not in your realm. Jesus. When I was doing all that shit Knock on wood, I never sold to an undercover cop

And I spotted them a mile away Because at my mother's bar Okay I learned from being a kid at my mother's bar Being in Harlem So let's run through it I come up to you First of all if you're a studio city cop

You're not going to be an undercover cop in the studio city You're going to be an undercover cop in Vysalia Okay, we got a call coming All right Who's this Who do you think it is? You're a minute early, cocksucker How are you really?

Marina. Good morning, Joe Deer. Nothing. I'm schooling these motherfuckers on crime. You know, how undercover cops work. If a cop is an undercover cop in Studio City, he's not in Studio City. They send them to Whittier to make guys. And if a guy's in Whittier cop,

they send him to Studio City so they're not shitting in their own backyard. And how, you know, on television, they show these cops that they come to you and they go, yeah, I want to buy an ounce of blow. And you just sell him the ounce of blow. They don't do a line in front of you. They don't talk to you about Carlos Santana they don't do a shot of tequila that's only in fucking TV you know I've had I had a

fucking guy telling me a story how he shot coke and heroin on the cover cop for nine months that the guy was shooting right with him every fucking day but he couldn't figure out why he couldn't take he couldn't get a fast and speedy trial because they had to clean the cop up right them a year and a half to give him a clean a trial because they had to clean the cop up you know he couldn't figure it out and then when he was sitting in there for a year and a half the attorney goes you're right the stories you're talking about that cop were correct

he was clean he's cleaning up so now you know in those situations but you know I don't want America to think that undercover cops are the nicest people in the world vice cops undercover cops they get their dick sucked they do everything alone because the only way you establish trust is if you do something I heard about a cop stabbing a guy with a friend of mine

one time he was a cop man friend ended up doing six years guy stabbed the cop who they're going to believe The cop or my friend? You with me? Anyway, enough with the criminal talk. Rudy Moreno, one of the fathers of fucking Latino comedy, period. In L.A., in fucking Scandinavia, in Bogota.

I'm going to get something out in the open right here about Rudy Moreno that I wanted people to know. Without Rudy, I wouldn't be where I was. The story was, Rudy used to book The Brave Bull from like 96 on. The Brave Bull was a hot little club. Whittier, not what, not Whittier.

What was a San Gabriel? A San Gabriel. And it had fucking 19 rooms. One room had a moose head, a fucking Mexican bull. They had a couple of bitches that didn't pay their Vig. I mean, it was fucking amazing. And when I got it, they said, you got to call Rudy. And I kept calling Rudy, kept calling Rudy,

and Rudy wouldn't fucking call me back. And one night just showed up on it. I'm fucking Joey Diascoct. You're going to put me up. And I had a follow. Tommy Slade. Remember the... The detective?

The detective thing? Yes! Yeah. He was, God damn. He was 80 years old then. Oh, my God. And I remember that. I went up one night,

and I did a set, and I did great, and Matt Woods was there with Brian Dunkelman. Right, I remember that. Yeah, Matt Wood's... Yeah, he went out to do American Idol.

American Isles. Right. And I remember that, Matt Woods came up to me. He goes, man, I remember I was going to kill Matt Woods in Denver for fucking, for picking me a...

You want to kill him? Oh, Rudy, you know, when somebody comes up to you and asks you why, you're doing comedy, you're wasting your time, you're talented, but you're not doing it right. This guy came up to me in an open mic and said to quit. He's like, he just quit because you're not committing

to this. You're the funniest guy in the room, but you're not committing to this. So quit. He goes, people got to work hard at this. You show up down here, and he really hurt my feelings. I was going to fucking knock him out, but he wasn't lying, Rudy. Right, right.

Sometimes people tell you something that are lying. You know, you can't fucking be mad at somebody for telling you the truth. So I walked away from him and he walked in that night The Brave Bull as I was on stage doing my thing and he goes,

bro, you made me very proud. I hugged him and, you know, we were friends forever after that. But that's what happened at the Brave Bull. And then, you know, the Comedy Store pays $15. You know, everybody pays $15. And for a while there, for like a year, you would book me every weekend

as dirty as I was in the back room where they sold tacos. in the Bray Bull. Remember they had three or four different comedy shows. You would always put me in the back. Every week they'd move the room, man. That's where Maryland- Maryland-in-Latina started the war.

Remember when they had the room with a pool table. People were playing pool. We were doing comedy. Oh, my God. I forgot about that one. And then I was there the night. Who was the fucking comic that fell in love with the transvestite? Remember, he was dating the transsexual. He was an old-time comic.

and what? You ready? You're going to remember. You and me did a gig at the Brave Bull, and you pay this extra to go to some congressmen and do a benefit. So you said, as soon as you get off the stage of the Brave Bull, I'm giving you an extra $50,000, come over there,

and all of his show that's... Raoul! Raoul Martinez! Remember, he left. Who was a transvestite? Remember, he was dating a transvestite before he left. Oh, that's right. Remember, he was on drugs.

They were doing. doing crack or heroin or something. And he fell in love with a transvest... I remember all this shit, man. Doug because it was the funniest thing, because I remember him coming up to me, he's going, fuck, I wonder if Raoul's still alive,

that. Oh, no, he was eating a transvestite death. He don't live too long after that. Transvestite's got a special taste in their nuts act. It's confusions. Good joy, you're out of your mind, man. I think, yeah, yeah. I think Raoul's passed.

There's a lot of people that passed since then, man. Who else, pal? Oh, Vic Dunlop. Oh, my God, Maryland, Martinez. Dante Garza. I don't know if you remember Dante Garza. Yeah, he said, Cat, from Texas. Yeah, Dante Garza.

Dante Garza. Maryland, of course, is the lovely Maryland, man. Maryland, Freddie Soto. It was just, it's been a long time, Rudy. And now you've got the Ice House. You're celebrating the 15-19. Yeah, we've been there forever, man. Well, you know, we were at the Ice House in 91,

but just apparently, we just, you know, they'd give us a shot. for a while. That's where we were working, places like the brave bull and shit, to come in, man. Yeah, we'll give you guys a shot and see what you guys can do. And after a while, you know, you let one Latino, you know, the rest is fucking coming. The Ice House is a great spot. You know, we do a podcast there. You do your show there every Wednesday. I mean, we always work hand in hand on Wednesdays. Yeah.

And it's amazing that you showcase all, you know, you've had from George Lopez, Gabriel, Felipe. Oh, yeah. I mean, everybody's gone through there, you know. It's just amazing thing. You had a lot of... Oh, Roseanne Barr. I mean, no, no, no. You see it on the thing, but it's just amazing, Rudy,

that, first of all I've been here 17 years, I've been your friend through all the casinos. I taught you, you'd pay me with a check. I'd fucking be pissed at you because I needed a forget money. I remember one night you had an Irish pub. An Irish pub. In front of a porn place.

In front of a porno place. That was in the industry. City of Industry. The right next order is strip joint. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I went down there, broke as fuck. Broke as fuck.

And I needed to get high in the worst way. And you said, come on down, and I'll take care of half your problem. You know what I'm saying? I'll scratch an edge for you. At least you get a quarter gram out of it. And I went down there on a Wednesday night. And when I'm up on stage, some drunk guy throws his wallet at me. Just throws his wallet at me.

I catch it out of the air. And I'm holding on to the wallet. And he goes, guy, he's drunk. He's like, go ahead, go buy a drink, you're fat fuck, whatever. And I finished my set, and I had to walk into the bathroom anyway. And as I was walking into the bathroom, I opened up his wallet. He had a stack 100 in a couple of 50s, and I took 100. And I gave him back to wallet.

Fucking tremendous. That's hit there happens to me, man. Rudy and Moreno. Now, you started comedy here in Los Angeles. What year? Uh, 1991. Jesus, that's when I started. July of 91.

Yeah, it was a month after you, man. August of 91. And who was there with you? At first, I, I was just working, I was working with a band. I was working with a band Diera here in L.A., just opening for them. And then, uh, ran into Gilbert, uh, so Gilbert Esco, and I went to this church, and we thought everybody spoke Spanish to everybody was standing there with, uh, the coin of the season was first, and it was my turn.

So I walked up, and the first thing I said, Does anybody speak English? In the comedy store. This is a Latino night. I said, it's a fucking Latino comics, man. It's only me and you. So Paul and George were around then. Did you know them then?

Did you see them around? No, didn't you love them? This store, man, there was 100 cats. You know, all Latinos that were working in there. You know, guys, not all them are around still, but it was in there, man. The guys like Luke Torres and, and Raul Martinez was there.

Maryland was there. A whole thing about, you know, because you don't know, nobody knew that there was Latino comedies out there or that, you know, they would brand us separately. Where was my man Danny Moore at the time? Danny Moore was there, yeah. Danny Moore was teaching comedy classes. It was near there. And Danny Moore still around, man. No shit. I got a call from every once in a while, man.

Yeah, you know, I saw Danny about five years ago. You tell me he was dying from some intentional thing. And then he showed up the next week into 20 minutes. Yeah, no. Danny. tomorrow will never fucking die he's one of those guys he's bulletproof there'll be a nuclear war him and roaches man him and fucking roaches and pops and pops you can't kill pops pops is a bad motherfucker so all right now what year was this at the store my brother when all this is going on with you and gilbert and maryland what year was this this is uh 92 like 92 93 now when did the show the first show with Jeff Valdez start.

The first, first show. What was the name of that show? Comedy Compadres. Your best friend? Right. That was Comedy Compaugres. Okay. Were you on that at all?

I'm sorry? Were you on that show at all? Yeah, I got on that show. Okay, who was on? Yeah, he walked up to work at the laugh actor and said, here's where I thought I had made it. I was going to do a TV show. My first gig was

I rather, my second gig was Paul Rodriguez and the third was with a temptation so I figured well shit I'm on my way man and then Jeff came up and said he wanted to do a TV show and little did I know that shit like this doesn't last you know so I did Jeff show and then Culture Class had a TV show on Fox at the same time and the same year

so I did both those shows and I'm thinking well shit I'm on my way man but you know here I am doesn't matter you were there comedy compottist was kind of like a a launch pad for a show that he did with

Showtime in 96 for Latino Lafessional over in San Antonio now before all the before the Latino Laugh Festival it was a show on HBO that they did

six episodes of what was the name of the Spanish show they did that one I don't remember man Remember what I'm talking about? Pablo did it. Carlos did it. A couple guys did it. They did six episodes of an HBO show of Latin calls. I don't know. I wasn't on that show, so I don't remember. But I remember now I know what you're talking about. And John Leggizamo came out with his show in 95 on Fox called, what the fuck was the name of that show? I was Buggin. Yeah, House of Buggin. Fox was brand new. They just gave him six episodes or something like that. Right, right.

So then, when did the laugh factory start doing their Latin night? About 92. Yeah, about 92 or so. On Monday night. Right, no, no, they mixed it with Arab night now. So it's Arab Mexican night. They're together. They put the Arabs in the top tier.

So they all have like George, Sebastian, a couple guys. Then a son of a fucking snake will come out with a fucking, a snake will come out with a small guy with shoes with curls on them. and it becomes a different fucking thing. Jamie's jumping up and down. Everybody's happy. So, well, before Arab night, it was good. So it started around that time.

Well, guys, man, myself, Willie Barsena, Jeff Garcia, Carlos Oscar, Gilbert. We were there every week because we were the only guy that they were letting us, and then they got us to do every other week, you know, get our $10 and you're thinking

that we're kicking ass because we're on, you know, we're on sunset. I don't know, man. A lot of work in this game, you know what I mean? You're doing great. Yeah, but, no, I'm taking it. you the way they started. In 97, I was in Seattle, and I was up on stage, and Jeff Valdez walked up to me. And he says, we're doing a show that fits your whatever, blah, blah,

Latino laugh festival. We're going to send you a plane ticket. Come on down to L.A. and showcase on a Monday night. So I came down, they put me up second, and I ate the dick of death. And I went back to L.A., but I met somebody named Marilyn Martinez that night. That was very cool of me. And she walked me over to the comedy store after that. and I just stood there at the comedy store and I went back to Seattle so when I came back a year later not even six months later I moved back here

one of the reasons I moved back he was they were doing comedy at the improv now with the fucking little Cuban guy and I went to put a suit on what was that fucking knucklehead's name God bless his so he's dead man he had the white that was black

John Mercedes John Mercedes God damn man This is John... He just died. He just died. And John Mercedes had the... Remember his big claim to fame?

He was somebody's manager in the fucking 60s. He was from Dallas. Yeah, I was her manager in the 70s. Blanche. And then he discovered Ernie G. And the G. Brothers, that was his big idea that took us into the 20th millennium

with the Latino comedy. Was the G. Brothers Comedy Show. There's so many people, man, and so many different personalities, because I remember everybody was doing the, because none of us thought of do comedy. We would just do this. You know, white people do this, and Mexicans, we do this.

And white people do this. And, you know, that was the thing, because we were just bouncing off of each other because none of us had material or anything. Then you show up. You showed up with a whole different fucking flavor, man, you know, Italian, and had that whole East Coast thing going on, man. When you tell a story, Joe, you tell a story,

and in the middle of the story, you'll throw something else in there. That has completely nothing to do with the story. You got to do that. You're all kicking the shit out of this guy, and I'm stabbing him in the neck with a fucking pencil, and I'm watching Dora the Explorer. I got fucking balloons the whole thing,

but I'm sticking this guy in a fucking blood all over the place. So that was different comedy altogether, man. I think that's why your success has been different than a lot of the guys, you know, because a lot of the guys are still doing there, man. Yeah. Rudy, it's hysterical, because you've made me laugh many of the other things.

times but the things that we've had fun at is just the situations at clubs how many times you come up to me and say joey there's people you gotta be a little clean tonight and you look at me and i look at you and you know 20 looking years i've been asking you that it's not really don't worry about it i got i got it i got it you know and you just like to torture me man because you like to see me turn red you know if i like eyes roll up in the back of my head oh no because people come up to you and say you can't perform me no more and it was just a but it's amazing how this is all all we know and people think that uh really people think at home or whatever i don't know what they think comedians do that we sleep all day and we just get up on stage all night and i've known you for

17 18 years man and i see that you work every day i work every fucking day it's not just uh you know making people laugh there's a lot of work in between that goes with it you know and absolutely absolutely and it's not i always tell these young cats look man it's not like like when you go into the mail room and you end up being the CEO after 20 to 25 years you know it doesn't work like there there's no promotion in this in this thing and you gotta just work your ass off maybe maybe you get a shot maybe you get lucky you know there's a zillion comics out there man you know and good good comics and then there's other comics they're just fucking lucky well there's a zillion doctors this a zillion lawyers

you have to do something to stick out uh you know george did it paul did it Carlos did it She stuck out for a while. I mean, we've all had success in different realms. You, I remember going into an audition for fucking the hottest Spanish show at the time, Kingpin. Right. That was going to be the hottest show. They gave it to Stephen Bauer. It was about drug cartels.

And I remember done sending me the sides and me looking at that. I mean, this is the relationship me and Rudy have. And I had to go to, the thing was up in Ventura. An audition in Ventura was a white lady. He was uptight. Right, right, right. walking into her office and going listen before i even read this you're looking for rudy moreno and she was what what are you talking about i go listen i could read you this and make you laugh

but the guy that you want for this is rudy moreno and she looked at me and she goes i've never been in this situation before or an actor has walked in and told me who to book and i go i told me i go you you're looking for rudy morano don't waste your fucking time and she took rudy's name down and sure Rudy booked this fucking part in Kingpin, but not only that, he fucking stole the scene. He called the Chinese guy a Pinchacino on national television. No, not even Edward James Almost did that. You understand me on Miami Vice?

Because there was an episode where Edward James almost fights to Thai people. He didn't call him a Pinchai Chino when he had the knife and he was doing the stick fighting. You called a fucking Chinese guy a Pinchac Chino on national television from 8 to 10 of Clare. And they left a little. in there. But that's how

strong our friend, you know, that's how weird this system is. And there's a lot of times I get auditions and I tell the people, it's Rudy. You're looking for fucking Rudy, man. You're wasting your time with me. But it's amazing that Rudy got on this fucking national show Kingpin because I told the lady,

I go, you're wasting your time. This is a national TV show people. Not some fucking WGN or some fucking TBS. This is a show that comes on 8 o'clock and I walked in there and told the She had to hire Rudy. And next to know, Rudy was the fucking guy.

No, but it wasn't even about that. I'm not saying it in the way. I know. You know, you hear all these stories about, you know, the other day they had the sting on that was huge. You know, didn't Brad Pitt throw a beard of Matthew McConaughey? The other day, and they made a big deal about it. First off, fucking Brad Pitt was a pot smoker.

All of a sudden, that chick with nine kids make them drink beer, whatever the fuck it is. But just the fact, you and I both know that when Matthew went, When Brad Pitt looks at Matthew McCona, he goes, look at that punk-ass bitch. And when Matthew McCona, he looks at fucking Brad Pitt, he goes, look at that punk-ass bitch with that bitch running his life. You know, because they're in the same category when it comes to acting. Good-looking white dude. They're both in the same fucking category.

They go up against each other head-to-head. There's got to be a little animosity between them. Amen, pal, they threw a beer at him. That's one part of Hollywood that I've never, like when you see George Clooney hanging out with Matt Damon, they're giggling. Do they call each other? Do they check up on each other? Do their kids play together? Do they share orgy pictures?

That's bullshit. That's for the general public to say, ah, ha, ha, ha, look at them. They're good friends. They ain't good friends. You know what, Rudy? What we have, our relationship throughout a lot of Latin comics.

You know, yes, there's some animosity. There's animosity between this guy and that guy. Let me tell you something, man. The people who do get along, I love you guys. We have a little gang. We have this understanding. And that's one thing I did not like about. comedy there's other realms of comedy that they just hang on here and giggle together

but they're really hating each other not in with my realm with you guys man it's like uh i have a realm of comics that i'm with that it's either me or them if i don't get the job i hope they get the fucking job because they deserve it more and i do i you know and i want people to listen to that on the podcast that you're one of those p it's me and you and and johnny and we've been laughing for fucking years and we turn each other to different you know every one of you Once a month, you call me with Amen. I just went out with this commercial, call your agent, tell him, we look out for each other. We really fucking do.

It's not about how fuck Rudy, K. Locos. Where is Mike Robles today? No way. He's nowhere. We've seen him come and go, flashing the fucking pants. This guy had a fucking TV show. He was the host of a TV show that promoted more Latin comics than fucking Johnny Carson did. Where is he today?

Because he didn't do the work. Yeah. There's work involved in this. You got to do the work. You know, when you were a kid and they tell you, what's 21 times fucking 52? And they make you show them the fuck. Show me the fucking work. That's what happens in this game with comedy.

And it's so funny, the people who don't want to work and the people who want to work. I have a friend of mine who always says, well, nobody calls me for anything. I called the kid four times yesterday. He had a machine on throughout the day. So, you know, you're not working. What the fuck were you doing? The answer machine is on it, two in the afternoon. It's the same people.

Exactly. You know, nobody calls me crying anymore. For 10 years, people used to call me crying. And one of those people was Malin Martinez. She was towards the end. She was very angry about it. And I told her, this anger, get out there and do something. You can sit at home all day and call and this guy's doing this.

And they gave this to Lisa Lampinelli. It don't matter. You have a job to do. And that's why you're still at the fucking ice house after 15 years, Rudy. Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's a blessing man, too. So, you know, a lot of guys, you know, we've had a lot of guys go through there, man, that have been very, very successful. You know, not all of them call me back anymore, but, you know, but like you're talking about the work, man,

these guys that are just working their ass off, Gabriel-Egress as being one of them, man. You know, we get a lot of people talking, you know, made me a little jealous about a success. But, you know, I remember the kid doing a fucking backyard parties and, you know, doing shit for dogcatchers and shit. What the fuck are you talking about? I remember you sending me and him down to fucking Tucson, the Bugsys, for $150 on a Wednesday night. $150 on a Wednesday night. You took a plane from Burbank on Southwest of Tucson. You came back the next day at 10 o'clock, coked up, you dicks up with a spider bite on your neck,

and some pussy on your brick. Fucking disgusting. This club, they would let you in if you gave him a bug at the door on Wednesday nights. picked up a caterpillar and gave it to them at the door, they let you in. For Big Alex, the motor guy, the 600 pound guy, 600 pounds, he had nine necks.

He had flaps behind, and he lost a bunch of weight. He had to get healthy, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did. Yeah, he did the 300 and so on a thousand. Right, he did the fucking surgery. Great guy, great guy. That ball, people come up to you and give you Coke, rocks, pills, explosives,

guerrilla biscuits, grenades, They didn't give a fuck. If they came up all with a boy, it was right there. I mean, it was fucking crazy. I remember getting cars with people and going to ride to get Coke and crazy chicks. One night, I was in the front seat of a car with these two Mexican dudes and had a chick in the back and two guys in the back and they were both finger in there and everybody was doing coke with the fucking pussy finger.

It was tremendous. It was tremendous. You don't forget that in your comedy career. But me, Gabriel, me, Gabriel. And Mommy Mommy went down there. What's the comedian? That's the mommy. Oh, Debbie.

Debbie Gutierrez went to fucking. So she was in the middle seat, and me and Gabriel were in the corner seats, and we both fell asleep on it. She goes, I woke up, I had 600 pounds on top of me. That's what Gabriel lost. His virginity was on the road in Tucson.

Yeah, exactly. That's right, man. Yeah, I mean, this is... Yeah, he was 20 years old, 20, 21 years old. And what people at home don't understand is, you know, give somebody a million dollars you give them 20 TV shows you give them 20 women I'm

gonna tell you something on your deathbed you're not gonna remember another that you don't remember going to Tucson with Gabriel and getting your dicks up in a closet while he's in the fuck you know the hotel they put you up and was possibly the worst girl you used to answer the door man in the nation one night a girl knocked on my door that was a tourist she was so scared she asked if she could sleep on the floor If nothing would happen, she ended up, I think I ate a pussy and tickle their feet. Or some shit. I mean, it was crazy.

The doors didn't close. Crack hose. There were hookers in the hotel. You get drugs in the hotel. You go back to the hotel, ask the fucking guy at the counter. You know, can you send me something up within an hour? Somebody would knock on your door with a 40. You know, have you seen the hotel lately?

No, I've been there, man. It's fucking beautiful. They redid it. It was across the, so you landed, you went to the hotel, you checked on, and you walked right across the street to the taco place. There was like a burrito place, and then you went right back to the fucking, you went right back to the fucking hotel. You did the show. You went back to the show fucking Hammett, and then you woke up and fucking got on the plane the next day. Old School County.

You were back Thursday morning with $150 in your pocket. If you bought Coke, you came back with $30 in your pocket. Big money, man. And now, so let me ask you something else, Rudy. You also were the first Mexican on Lopez, what, George Lopez's show, you were the first Mexican on the Tonight Show, you were the first Mexican on Arsenia.

Tell me all your credits. I was there on the Tonight Show, man. All right, so you... No, I did Georgia's show when he had that Lopez Tonight thing out of the first Latino comic. Oh, shit. You know, so...

I don't know. Do I get up like the crown or something, you know? You're good, too. You're good till we got a black mayor. What's that? You're good till we got a black mayor. Right now, Villarilloisi has a picture of you in his office.

Once he gets fired, then you're fucking done. Yeah, so... But, yeah, that was cool. I mean, I got some work out of that, but, you know, that was good. I mean, I've done other TV shows, but, like, late night. I never did the Tonight Show or Asseigne. I'm still waiting for Arsenio to call me. Fuck that, dude.

You did some good movies. I'm going to tell you something, Rudy. And I'm going to tell you something from the bottom of my heart. You know, a lot of people listen to the podcast or in this part of California, whatever. I don't know what you people do on Wednesday nights or what you don't do. But the guy I have on the phone has helped more young comics than a lot of other people doing this career. He gave us a forum on Wednesday nights. And, yeah, sometimes the checks bounce.

It's like that. But it was still, you know, are you still doing the Saturday night? No, I don't do it on Saturdays anymore, man. We've got to that place, that same place. It's called Rudy's. Ironically. And, you know, the guy, the owner, 78 years old. So, you know, he'll call me back the next week.

You know what, what'll work here? Comedy. Month after me, you've been there, what, 100 times, right? Yeah, yeah, I just went down there about six, seven. Oh, before, about three months ago, I went down there with Edwin on a Saturday night. Yeah. Edwin had a spot, so we were going to get high and we went down there. But, uh, I don't know what you do.

I know the tickets are cheap on Thursday nights. that really puts his heart and soul into this fucking show. It's 15 year anniversary. He wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't any good. And you've had your peaks in your valleys, but you deserve the respect that you deserve Rudy Moreno. You're... Thank you, man.

Thanks. And thank you for being part of that, man. Yeah. Even though they don't put my pictures on the wall and nothing like that, you got all your little Mexican buddies jumping up and down with hats on. You got no fucking Cubans on there and shit represent. You got no pictures of Fidel. That's okay.

I love you anyway, cocksucker. But no, no, no, all jokes aside. One thing you don't forget in your career is the little times, like when we were at the Commerce Casino and a comic report on stage. Yeah, that's always fun. And I would whisper on my breath, Rudy. Rudy. Rudy.

Rudy. Rudy. I would say Rudy a thousand fucking times until you heard me. There's a TV turn around it. What, Joey? What? What? What?

What? Joey. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy. Rudy, let me take an out to it, Rudy.

Rudy. Rudy, where's the fucking free drink ticket? Rudy, Rudy, where's the water? Rudy, where's the stage? Rudy, where's the microphone? You just love tortured me. Rudy, what time when I go on up? Rudy, can I work dirty?

Can I talk about the time I fuck the chick up the ass and she sucked my dick? No, Joey. You know, it's funny at the end of the day when you look at all the places you perform and the people that give you the people who gave you the stage time when you needed it the most.

You don't forget those things. not in my world you don't when you're uh even when you're the last of a dying even when you drive past the place you would drive past the brave bull it might be a linoleum store now but you look at it

a little tear comes to your eye you're like how many grams of blow that I do in that bathroom oh man Jesus you could have bought the fucking brave bull dude you know and there's so many places listen man

seven eight years ago these Mexican cats fly Jeff Garcia Felipe Edwin every night we had comedy every night and they open their doors to anybody it wasn't a Latin comedy

a Filipino comedy if you had heart and balls to go up on that stage they put you on those stages from West Covina to fucking what's Patrick de Gears room in the fucking bad area in San Diego right these guys have created their own way

let me tell you something about these Latin comics these young guys you know when they walk in the comedy store and the improv and the laugh factor they don't have management and this goes the same for black comics. A lot of ethnic comics do this. And I want people at home to know that these guys, you know, it's not like they're opened up at warm hearts. They don't have open mics and all these things to get on stage. You know what these motherfuckers do? They create their own venues. And they grow in their own venues. From Rudy to Willie Barcena to Jeff Garcia to Edwin. I've seen these guys blossom on their own fucking the sweat of their own labor. It's not like somebody made a path of them. Right. That's one part of being a comic. There's comics that get on stage three times

and three yards sees you and they love you and you're witty and they put you on all these stages. Well, some people don't have that opportunity. And I was one of those guys that didn't have an opportunity. Yeah, I got spots at the store. But for me to really improve

it was the Brave Bulls. It was a daily planet. It was Casalatinas. It was all those fucking bars that you would never go into and that you guys would get us $20, $30 a free meal. You know, Gilbert, the VFW, the best tacos in California for 50 cents.

The best! And then the fucking room went away. I used to be more pissed off about not getting paid than the fucking taco. You know what I'm saying? Like, this is your part. You know, when Gilbert called you, it wasn't about the $50. It was that you were going to eat the best tacos in fucking town. You know, you went down there, you brought your date with you, you brought some reefer.

So these are the things you remember. And I thank you, really, because you started a generation of these guys. You taught them that if they didn't give you a statement, you had to build your own fucking stage. You have to build your own stage, man. You did that with the Brave Bull. The Brave Bull was Fridays and Saturdays, and sometimes you grew a Wednesday in there.

And so what? You didn't give us the money for the rent. You gave us money for a couple cocktails and a bag of weed. But the opportunity was the stage time, which is what these cats fucking miss out on. They don't know that it's like Jiu-Jitsu. You need to get on the mat.

You can watch all the instructional DVDs you want, and you can go hang out with it. any bravo and you can hang out with Steven Segal. But if you don't get on that fucking mat it's the same thing with comedy. And you got to start at these fucking disgusting places where Mexicans throw hats. You know, I used to feel bad for white dudes

that would go up in front of Mexican crowds. And they kill. And those comics to their comedians. Say what you want about Darren Carter, the party starter. When he goes in front of you, he gives you a strong set because he learned how to be a comic in those hellholes. And that's what they are. They're Vietnam for comics.

And, you know, comics do those things three times, and they're like, I'm not going back over there. I'm going to the comedy store. Sure. Sure. It's fucking real work. You got to go up there and convince them that you're fucking funny. So, you know what? I can say whatever the fuck I want to.

Part of my career is owed to guys like you, Rudy. So I want to thank you for what you do. I want people to support you at the Ice House. Rudy's up there every fucking Wednesday at 8 o'clock. You make reservations. 626. What's the number? 577, 1890.

The tickets are cheap. They got margaritas. They got Mexican broads with big fucking asses. Rudy's going to get the drummer from Elkhadre to start going up down Wednesdays and selling Coke out the back door. We're going to turn this into Glittal, Guadalajara. We're going to bring up Vermont, get some T-shirts, some hats. You can buy a Versace purse. It's all old.

Rudy is what you need to do. You need to put a fucking Mexican bazaar up there with the emphasis on bizarre. You know what I'm saying? Some blows, some hats. Mexicans aren't making money by selling street. They're making money by selling the fucking poodo. You got to invite the cartel up there, cop sucker. I get emotional when it comes to Mexico.

You know that. Crazy, man. I love you, brother. I'm happy you called. Everybody that, you know, the outside of Joey Diaz is a rough, tough, fucking street guy. But you're a fucking sweetheart, man. He's a huge fucking teddy bear, man. Although I saw you kick the shit out of somebody at the ice house.

No, I just spit in his face and bit slapped me. I didn't kick it. No, no. I had to get out of there. The funny thing was Ramos the next day, because Ramos had picked you up outside, remember that? Yeah, he drove me with the cops looking for me that had the helicopter. The cops were looking for you. The fucking helicopter was out there and everything else. The next day I called him up and I had downloaded some police calls from my computer,

and I put him on the phone. I told me it was, well, you know, I'm a substitute teacher and I'm a comic, and I was out there just looking for my friend and all this shit, and I told him, I said, look, one of two things. You either bring Joe Dias, and I go pick you up right now. We're going to send out of a Rudy Moreno Donnelly. You motherfucker, man, if I fight you. You know, Rudy, and I got to tell you something, man.

I'm getting, I still get a lot of grief over that, over going off on Jeff at the funeral, Paul. I mean, a lot of people don't do business with me. A lot of people don't hire me because of that. And I don't really give a fuck because I stuck up for my friend. And that's something that in this business, people forget. You're standing up to do with me, man. No, I just stuck up for everybody because he abused everybody.

That guy called himself a Mexican. He called himself Latino. He called himself a man. And he wasn't any of those fucking things. He was trying to fuck us up the ass with his left hand. And, you know, for more, you know, he was making big money off those festivals, giving us $50 fucking a set.

And you had to get your plane ticket for a Latino laugh festival. I know he took care of some people, but the rest of us, but two people he tortured were me and Maryland. He tortured us, and he tortured a lot of Latin comics. You're supposed to give you people a lot of life. Why is that? Why did he single out to you guys? The one festival, he told us that we were too dirty,

and he made a showcase like three or four times to make us feel bad. He wanted us to prove a point that we could work clean. I couldn't work clean. I told him the truth. So you know what he did that year? He made the festival, and he had a dirty show, and he had Carlos Hosted. He didn't invite me.

And I never forgot that. I never forgot what it did to me psychologically. I never forgot what it did to me emotionally. I never forgot. And I became his friend after that. I understood the business. sense of it. I understood it's a business. This isn't a popularity club. So I understood that. But then he kept doing things. He kept doing little things and I kept hearing about him.

Like one day he called me and he goes, hey, I want you to do this documentary. He only pays $50. And I told Pat Buck was no. And two days later they called me. They went up to $500. There was a $450 gap. And I still left three or four, $500 on the table. But he wasn't out to help his own people. He was out to help his pocket. And you know what, man? That was about the time I was getting off cocaine. I was clean about seven nights

to not have attacked him at the funeral at Maryland's funeral. But I've never regret it that night. To me, it was one of the... Because I spoke from Maryland from the grave. And it was something... Listen, man, when you have somebody die close to you, you see how people act at their funerals,

they act like fucking bullshit artist. You really want to go to a bullshit funeral? Go to a bullshit funeral here. Right, right. And when I saw him walk into the... church that afternoon I knew he was a dead man and then when I saw him at the comedy store eating the free food with his fucking wife and his attorney I knew he was going down and if you I don't know if you were there that night I went on

stage and I tried to do my presentation to Maryland but in the middle Maryland the spirit wouldn't fucking let me I couldn't even focus I kept seeing him out of the corner of mine I had to speak I had to speak that's how I was raised bro you stick up for your friends your friends are what you got when you go out there with somebody you stick up for them fuck the movie business fuck television Fuck everybody. That's how I was raised. I don't know how the rest of these muts were raised with no soul But there's no way somebody's gonna make a mockery out of a friend of mine in this town ever again And that's what I learned when I got off the blow that I just wasn't a junkie no more was a man

I had to start acting like a man that's what kept me straight and I went off on him and I went off on him that night and I left it at that And you called me the night he was gonna be at the ice house you warned him and he still went up there and he tried to be cute Rudy Yeah He didn't stay away from me. He tried to be cute. He kept coming into the game, green room and ordering drinks and stirring me down. And I sat there like a little fucking faggot for 45 minutes. And then after a while, with my faggot fear that I had,

because I'm scared of everybody else, I thought about my wife and I thought about my career. I thought about everything and how I had to behave myself and how I'm a better Catholic and how I'm a better man. I went back to the fucking street level that I'm from, and I went up to him, spit in his face and smacked him. You know, he kept telling me, go ahead fat boy do something when I spit in his face he didn't know what the fuck to do

and then he tried to spit back and he spit like a faggot they had a little cum in his mouth he swallowed the whole load but he still had that last load he tried to spit that at me and I ducked and that's when I bit slapped him I just kept walking out I was walking out the cops were walking in they were coming in with I walked right past him and the ice house alleyway then I got to Rick parked outside like on the fucking street like a fag that he is instead of parking in the parking lot but if he were to park in the parking, the parking lot, the cops would have stopped us. Right.

Dig that. But Rudy, I love you. But that's why I did that, Rudy. I didn't do that for me. I got no satisfaction. That was for the fucking Mexicans that wanted to smack him, but didn't know what.

I beat him to the punch before Willie got his hands on him. You know what I'm saying? I saved his ass. I'll see you up there, brother. I love you. Good luck tonight. Call the Ice House.

Tonight, 626-26-577-18-94, get your tickets, Give Rudy a hug. Bring him some refa, do something. Thank you, Joe. God bless you, man. I love you, brother. I'll call you later, cock liquor. Take care.

What do you think about that, cock sucker? Huh? I don't know. I mean, I've heard the basic story behind it, but I don't really know, like, the full story of what happened. That's what happened, man. I got sick and fucking tired of somebody fucking with us, so I had to raise my goddamn hand.

And that's what usually happens. I raise my hand, I get caught. I get, I'm the bad guy after that. But you know what? Fuck, that's what we're all about. If you got nothing to stick up, if you can't stick up for your friends, fuck them.

Fuck them. Let's read some advertisers for these motherfuckers. On it! I love you. If you're having a problem with your cardio, you're having a problem with your fucking ankle, you know, you want your mental abilities that you want to think quick,

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Yeah, you don't want the vagina lips affected. I read that on Google. Anyway, go to naturesbox.com and get your snacks today. 50% off your first order. What are they press in the box? Joey. J-O-E-Y. Number two, Dollar Shave Club.

I'm getting sick and fucking tired. They're talking about Dollar Shave Club. Sick and tired. You know why? Because one of the best bargains out there. One of the best bargains out there. One of the best bargains out there. I'm trying to save you money here, motherfuckers.

I always try to save you a little bit of Getus. I'll send you somewhere that has a lunch special. My wife told me that fucking Ruth Chris for the summer, they're going to have a 499-95 special. You get a salad, a soup, an entree, and a dessert. for 4995. Are you kidding me? They don't sponsor me,

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It's nothing. Nothing. You get four razors sent the out, double fucking blade. If you get the $9 package, you got double razes, they sharpened and fuck. You could slide a fucking Puerto Rican's drunk with it.

Plus it has an aloe strip on there. We ain't fucking around. no more. For a dollar, you get two little blades. They work tremendous. But that means your budget for the year is $12 on blades. That's what you spend fucking one time when you go to that month in one of these stores to get blades. Don't be in Mama Lucca de Ye. Go to Dollar Shave Club. Sign up. $1, $6

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you contact Waterbox. He'll bit slap you to death with that fucking board. He was out there with sharks and shit, all these people who think they're tough. Waterboards out there with a fucking board and a stick out there with a flashlight in his fucking head with an Asian wife who's bad to the bone. I love you, Waterboxer Cleo,

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I was telling, you know, sometimes you have a problem with a friend. When I was talking to Jessica yesterday, we talked about my dark years and the things I learned. And this is what the book is about. It's about the lessons that I learned. And there was one really valuable lesson I learned.

I'm not proud of. And it was, when my mother died, she had a good friend names a writer. That would tell you about only? She covered my spread for a couple years. You know, the night that my mother died at the funeral, the funeral was like four or five nights long, and there were 24-hour funerals.

The Cubans do 24-7. They don't do that five to seven view. And fuck, no, the body looks better at two in the morning. Oh, Jesus. So Cubans come in, and they drink, and they smoke, and they do blow, and they do whatever fuck they do. They pray, and I'm sitting there one night because we did the funeral on eight-hour shifts. shifts. I would work eight hours. My uncle would work eight hours in my stepfather

would stay for eight hours. One night I didn't want to be home alone so I just sat there and I watched Zerrida go up to the casket and get on the hands and knees and she was talking to her you know and I knew Zerrida from a child. Zerrida was always involved in my life. She babysat me when I was a baby but she was always involved in my life every time my mom went into the city we would stop by Zeraitis. Zerida was a drug dealer on 13th Street you know She lived on the second floor and it was like fucking walking dead when you walk into her building. People were shooting heroin in the hallways.

New York was a complete different animal. And we would stop over there and I would walk up the stairs and see these people. And you walk in and Zerrida had a bodyguard and a Chihuahua. And she sold Coke and she was a five foot four black Cuban lady. And, you know, six months before my mom died Zerai, started coming by a lot more. It's like she knew. When my mother died, she was the second call I made, and she came right over.

And at the funeral, this one night, at the wake, I heard her saying shit to my mother. My mother was in the cask, and she was touching her face. She was even doing bumps while she was told. This is how crazy Soraya was. So I heard her say something that she was going to take care of me, and then she came over. She promised my mother she was going to take care of me.

And she came over, and she hugged me, and she told me not to be scared that she was going to be there for me. And every Sunday, sure enough she would take a cab from 113th and 5th to Union City, New Jersey at meet at Rottos Bar and we'd have a drink and we'd eat and then we'd go to the funeral and put flowers to the cemetery and put flowers for my mother and she'd sprinkle coke on the fucking grave. Really?

Yeah, this lady was crazy and she'd blow a fucking joint and shit. So Zerrida would give me a couple hundred a week and she'd bring me a nickel bag from the city, you know, and this went on. This went on from 79 to 80, you know, something. At this point, after I got out of high school, I was still getting money from Zerrida here and there, but I was using her Lee. I was calling her up and going,

I needed money for school books while I was going with my friends to spring break. I wasn't even in college, and I would go over there, get $300 from her cash, and I ate ball of Coke. You know, and it was just a really, something that, you know, I've done a lot of bad things. Nothing compares to how bad this was,

I felt because when I lost my mind in 84 30 years ago I fucking stopped calling over there because I had robbed somebody and I thought they were going to call her and she was going to know and I was embarrassed so for some reason my my spiral downhill I stopped calling over there and I finally got the boss to call one January after six months and she asked me why I had been and I told I got arrested I made up some line and she said that while I was arrested I got robbed, they robbed me for everything. My dog died.

IRS sees, my assets. I'm fucking broke. Somebody when they robbed me, they broke my leg in three places and nobody was here to take care of me. Where the fuck were you? And I just hung up the phone and never talked to her again. I mean, that was how weak I was

as a human being. I just hung up the phone. There was nothing to talk about. I had failed her. And there was no words really to say. I didn't even think of the word that would have held everything. love you and I didn't. I didn't even say that. I just hump the phone, never called it. Until this day, I don't know what happened. I felt really bad about myself that night and I said to myself that, you know, at that age, I learned the gift of friendship. You know, I knew what friendship

was. She carried the, you know, this is why I went off on Jeff Valdez that night because I know the gift of friendship. I know a real friend when I fucking see one. And I learned so much from what she did for me, she did for my mother. Nobody does that. I knew the people. I knew the people. that were even tied with my mother that turned their backs on me this lady stuck to her fucking what's one with your lip leave you appear like a fucking you look like that dog that shit on your head the other day cocksucker some fucking dog shit up to my head down I have a little scratch of shit you know when you you know when you shit your undies just that little line like it goes in your ass and you still got

shit in your ass you got that little line in your under that's what you had on your head with a little blood in the middle like don't fucking lie cocksucker you still got the stain is gone so he was on your head head it's a pug and he shit on your head it's okay but uh the moral story is man that girl I learned two things I learned that friendship is a motherfucker you know if you want good friends you got to be a good friend I think you farted and I also learned and I also told myself that I would never use anybody again that was the valuable lesson I learned from that I never believed in using people anyway and at

time I did it because of my addiction and it just worked didn't work outside the age of 21, I learned not to fucking use anybody, and that's the lesson I learned from Zeraita. And that's the lesson for a week. If you want to be a friend, if you want good friends, you've got to be a good fucking friend. And sometimes we take that for granted

friendship. Don't ever take it for fucking granted. Keep slinging dick. It's Wednesday. May 21st. I love you, cocksuckers. See, next week we've got Monday, Wednesday morning, and a Wednesday live podcast at the Ice House. 8.30, surprise guest.

Don't forget, I got the Ice House next week. And I got San Diego Harrah's on the 29th, which is Thursday night at 9 o'clock. Don't forget about me. Go to Joey Diaz.net for the mugs, t-shirts and the patches, the patches, and the t-shirts are going like fucking hotcakes. The mugs slowed down a little bit. Go for it. You know, once these t-shirts are gone, I'm getting a new design.

So if you want a t-shirt with a nut sack, a set of balls and a cross on your shirt, support the fucking podcast. The Joey Diaz starter kit. That's right. Also, we're on Amazon.com. If you're going to order something, go to the Amazon. I want to thank our sponsors on it. Nature's Box.com, Dollar Shave Club,

Hulu Plus, nailed it life, and the skate pod tank for always having our backs. But most importantly, I want to thank you cock suckers for listening to the show and having heart and giving us the love you, give us, you know, to me and Lee, you bad motherfucker. I don't want that dog shit on your hand. There's no shit.

If you're listening to this live today, our good friend Steve Simone's recording a CD tonight in Brea, so if you want to come down to the improv. I'll be down there. Say hi. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for Dollarshaveclub.com. Get high-quality raises to send to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joey-diaz.com and click on the dollarshave club banner. The show is also sponsored by naturebox.com.

Order great tasting, healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. And thank you to nail thatlife.com. Like we said, for all the oil and wax smokers out there. For the premier vapor pen on the market, go to NellTheLive.com and type in Joey Diaz, nose bases,

and you're going to save 20% off of the vapor pen. Oh shit. There you go, Coxth. You're bad motherfuckers. Do your thing, baby. Have a great day. Sling dick with both hands. Don't believe the high.

Tell them all to suck your dick. What? I think sling dick, where is it? With so much drama in the LBC, it's kind of hard being Snoke D-O-D-O-G, but I somehow some way keep coming up a funky-ass shit like every single day. May I kick a little something for the G's

and make a few wins as a little. bridge through two in the morning and the party still jumping because my mama ain't home I got bitches in the living room getting it on and they ain't leaving till six in the morning so what you want to do shit I got a pocket full of ruffers and my home boys do too so turn off the lights and close the doors but for what we don't let him hoarse yeah so we don't smoke a ounce to this jeans up holes down why you motherfuckers bounce to this morning got me some sequence gene everybody got their cups but they ain't chipped Not as types of shit happens all the time

You gotta get yours, well fool I gotta get mine Everything is fine when you're listening to the DOG I got the cultivating music that be captivating he Who listens to the words that I speak As I take me a drink to the middle of the street You get to Mac into this bitch name's Shady She used to be the home boy's lady Oh that bitch 80 degrees when I tell that bitch please

Raise up off these in you tease Because you get none of these at Eve As I bob with the dog pound feel the breeze, Bia chub just laid back. On that day, my homie, Dr. Drake came through with a gang to Tangeray and a fat-ass Jake of some bubonic chronic that made me choke. This ain't no joke. I had to back up off it and sit my cup down.

Tangeray and Chronic, yeah, I'm fucked up now. But it ain't no stopping. I'm still popping. Dre got some bitches from the city of Compton to serve me. Now put a cherry on top, because when I bust my nut, I'm raising the box the cock. Don't get upset, girl. just out goes. I don't love you hoes. I'm out the dope and I'll be.