The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #179 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, July 11th.... This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Express VPN, Lucy.co & Better Help.…. Go to https://www.ExpressVPN.com/JOEYfor 3 Extra Months Free! Go to https://www.Lucy.co Use PROMO CODE: JOEY for 20% OFF! Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #Onnit #ExpressVPN #BetterHelp #Lucy The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It's Monday. Let's get this party started. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? I missed you, Coxuckers. It's the 11th of July. It was a great fucking week to take off. you know the holiday and shit who wants to fucking do podcast who wants to listen to podcast you guys are out with your families so fuck it i didn't do it for a week me and mike took the week off

we didn't do an album of the week we didn't do shit but smoke fucking reefer eat and spend time with the family which is always a fucking good thing to fucking do a couple people fucking died while we were away jesus christ you know but people are in shock about it and i'm like hey guys They were fucking old. James Kahn was 82 years old. It was time for James to go, and it was Paulie Walnuts. It was 79. God bless us so.

Fucking great character. Funny guy, stand-up guy. Listen, guys, I never really knew him. Like some guy said to me today, hey, man, I'm sorry about Pauli Walnuts. I was like, I didn't know him. You know, I met him one time. We were shooting the soprano movie, and he was there.

And I said, hello? Yeah, he was very. cool. He was already older, you know. We talked for maybe two minutes. I'd love to tell you I was friends with him and we hung out and I did time with him, but that's not what happened. Then James Kahn, fuck. And you know what's crazy about James Kahn, man? I was noticing last week. Like, we have a short

memory as fucking Americans. We really do have a short fucking memory. Like, it's like we dismiss you. It was like when the fucking Cosby's, when, you know, Cosby got in trouble. You know, nobody remembered how he fucking fired Lisa Bonnet for doing a fucking sex scene, that fucking filthy hypocrite. Never mind all the rapes and all that shit. He was a fucking hypocrite all the way through. But anyway, what we talk?

He talks shit on people talking. Yeah, he's a fucking, he's out of his fucking mind. But that's not the fucking point. We always forget about, you know, things with people, projects that they did. When James Khan died, everybody was talking about the godfather and misery. Listen, I love James Khan, the Godfather. Don't get me wrong. But if you really want to see a James Khan movie, and guys, I love the thief.

I think that's one of my top five movies. I love everything about James Khan that movie. But you motherfuckers forget Brian's song. Uh, remember? Anybody? I'll wait, motherfuckers. Nobody remembers Brian's song. It's about fucking a.

black football player played by Billy D. Williams and James Kahn. I think he played Rocky Blyde. Don't fucking quote me on this shit. That movie, I saw that movie when I was like eight. Dog, I cried for a fucking week. I'm going to cry just thinking about the fucking movie. It was such a great fucking movie in the 70s, way before the Godfather. He did that movie.

It stayed with me for a couple fucking days for different reasons. And you guys know I love movies. This shit they're making today. This ain't fucking movies no more. I was somewhere the other day watching commercial. Like my daughter's like, look, Dad, the commercial for Doar. And I'm like, that doesn't look good at all. Like it just doesn't, it doesn't look good.

Like, who the fuck? You know, you go see a movie now and you fucking leave. And like, I saw the Adam Sandler movie on Netflix. I forgot I saw it. there are so many movies the last two years I just watch a movie and it blows by you

and then you watch like series like The Wire or something and you're like okay this is good fucking television but cinema cinema has gone to the fucking wolves guys and you know

they don't make movies that you go wow before I see another movie I got to think about what I just fucking saw I got to think about that scene and the acting you know Brian's song is about a Pittsburgh

two Pittsburgh football players. And I don't know who I forget. It's been a long time, guys. I don't know who was dying of cancer. One of them was dying of cancer and the other one was his friend. For all you motherfuckers that love to cause racism problems between black and white,

watch that fucking movie. Watch that fucking movie. And like I said, I cried for a fucking week. When he died in that movie, you fucking cry. I mean, I didn't know anything about that. It got me into football. It got me into so many things. So, yeah, the thief was good.

Fucking Godfather's great. Forget about misery. He's fucking great in misery. But as far as an acting movie that, Jesus, it fucked up my childhood. I got to be honest with just thinking about it. I'm like, God damn, that movie fucked me up like a year because it was the first time.

And I had lost my dad. But that movie was so good. I don't know how to explain. this to you. It made you experience a loss. Like, after that movie, you're like, fuck, I'm beat up. And again, some people are like, you know what? I don't want to see that type of movie, Joey.

No, a lot of people don't, but you got to watch it because it's definitely up there with the fucking great movies of our fucking time. But check out Brian's song. Rest in peace to my man, James Kahn. Even like Paulie. Like, everybody said, oh, Paulie, just, fuck.

Paulie did a movie with Jam Michael Vincent when I was a kid, I don't know. And I remembered Paulie from that. And then I remember seeing him in like Goodfellas and a couple of other fucking things. But I go back with Paulie, like not friendship-wise, but I go back with Paulie as a fan to maybe like the 80s. I think that was probably one. If you look, that's probably one of his first projects when he got out of fucking jail.

He was in jail or whatever. And that's why he was an inspiration to me too. Anybody who does some time and does something with their life, I got to tip my hat out. because you have no fucking idea how tough it is to put it together when you got out of a fucking joint. But anyway, what I want to talk to you guys today was about fucking, you know, I look at this podcast, I look at the church, and I look at what we've done over the years, and I really don't talk a lot about social shit. And it's not because I don't want to talk about it or because it's a hot potato. I got to be honest with you.

I don't know much about it. I don't know much about it. When you're focusing, when you're a fuck up like me, and you want to focus on who's got money, you know, I remember what I knew, like when I do the album of the week and all that shit for Patreon, you know,

there's people like, hey, man, you know some weird stuff about music because I was a loser. Because I was a loser for years. And I read Cream Magazine and Rolling Stone. And, you know, I read all that shit, which in the end of it, at the end of a day,

it don't do dick for you. It's just a bunch of worthless information. when you go get a job nobody's going to ask you where fucking Randy Rhodes was born nobody's going to say to you what kind of guitar that Tony AOMI play you know nobody's going to ask you what drum kit fucking Taylor used you know

it doesn't matter but we as Americans we want to be embroiled with all this social consciousness and I love it I love that you want to do it I will look at some podcast and I go I don't even know how that person knows about those topics how do they find time to read up on all that shit Like my whole journey since I started to podcasting and doing all this shit was how to get myself to be better.

Me watching TV or a trial isn't going to make me a better person. I never watched the OJ trial. I never watched the Amber Her trial. I wouldn't watch that if you fucking paid me. I could, you could have watched that trial dubbed it. Like I got to turn it off and I could have done the fucking, I could have tell you what they did to each other. They shit on a bed. That's Hollywood.

That's the Hollywood dirt merchants. All the money in the world can't buy fucking class. And you people are in shock. You people like, oh my God, they live these. These people are the nastiest motherfuckers you've ever met in your life. Because they're so rich, they've forgotten how to do things to themselves. Whether it's cut their toenails, whether it's clean a fucking toilet. You know, I take a shit.

And when I take a shit, I fuck up those fucking toilets. You know what? Who cleans those toilets? Me. My wife tells me, you better clean that fucking shit toilet. Those people I've never shit. They'd never clean the toilet. So the reality is fucking so gone, guys.

I didn't watch a minute of that trial. And I could tell you just from what people told me what the fuck was going on. It's no shock to a guy like me because I've heard all those things. You don't hear those things. You live off what you read off People magazine or what people say on TV shows and shit. But when you're out there living, you catch different things from people. People, like, if you go shoot a movie, an actor came in last week. Like, that was talking, we were talking about comics.

When I was doing the road all those years by myself, you know, some weeks I went out with Rogan, some weeks I went out by myself. When I was doing the road by myself, I noticed something, fucking hilarious. Anytime you got to a club and the waitstaff was pissed off on a Tuesday, it's because two things. Either Shriek was there. What was his name? Shrek, the guy from fucking that show that stabbed somebody, you know, uh, Sheik Shrek, I don't know what the fucking kid's name is.

He just died recently of cancer. He was on a TV show with all the Mario Lopez and all those fucking kids when they were younger. And they didn't screech. Oh, Screech! Screech, that fucking worthless penguin. He died? Yeah, he died about a year ago during the fucking pandemic. When I was on the road, Screech was causing,

fucking havoc on the road. Havoc. Every time I got to a club and they wore, Screech was there. I'm like, God damn it. The staff is pissed. The manager's pissed. The people at the hotel was pissed. There's two comics that when you went in after them, the fucking wait

staff was pissed. Screech and fucking Angel Salas. Who I love. Angel is one of my dogs. I hope he's doing well. Screech fucking drove. Everybody's so fucking crazy. So when you got to a comedy club, It's like comics don't.

When you live in L.A., you see a comic at the store. You see a comic at the improv. You see a comic at the laugh factory. You really don't know what's going on with them. It's when you go on the road that when you get to a club, you go, who was here last week? And they'll tell you, and they're like, oh, that fucking guy brought in fucking hookers.

So anything you do is never really a secret. The club owners tell you everything. Oh, he came here. It was eating fucking mushroom. You know, and they tell you things very innocently, but they don't know at the same time they're spreading fucking rumors because now these comics go back to LA

and go, hey, you know what the fucking club owner told me in St. Louis that when this comic was there was taken it in the ass, he talks all that shit about being married. You have no fucking idea, but my point is when you go on a set,

it's the same thing. They shoot the big stars out, the principals first. So when you get on a set, yeah, you might have a day with Ray Leota, you might have a day with James Kahn, whatever, shot out early.

So when you get there, by the time a bum like me gets there to shoot, they're telling you all these little things. This guy shit his pants. This guy's fucking feet smelled. This guy smelled like pee. This guy didn't shower. And you're like, these guys are fucking rich. Millionaires.

I mean, some of these actors come on the set in the morning without showering. Nothing. They go not brushing their teeth, not combing their hair. They go on a set and they're such big star. that people just dress them up. It's crazy. I've heard stories where actors walk on with no teeth, fucking black eyes,

and they come out an hour later looking like fucking Johnny Vuvok. They're fucking sharp. Their teeth are in, you know, everything's in. But that's not what you hear about all the creepy shit they did. Like they brought a fucking kid to the set. You hear all this shit.

And you're like, you know what? I wish I didn't hear it. So I never really got into none of that shit. I didn't really care. You hear stuff? Yeah, whatever, blah. But with like Amber Heard and all this, what was another case that just fucking happened?

I don't know any of this stuff, guys. So I'm sorry if my podcast is shorthanded in that department. I don't like talking about shit. I don't know. I'm not going to sit here and talk to you motherfuckers about parachutes. I don't know anything about fucking parachutes. You know what I'm saying?

But the reason why I'm talking about this is a couple weeks ago before the break, I was in shock by this, guys. I mean, one thing I do like is the law. I love watching, like, reading about cases and stuff like that. I told somebody a couple weeks ago, when I lived here in 85, 84, at night, when I got out of work, I would go to this fucking deli on 30th Street,

and I would buy a fucking sandwich, like a fucking Italian hero sandwich. This is 1985, 84. And I would go downtown where they shoot law and order. And I would just sit in court. I would go to court with a fucking bag of wise potato chips, a fucking hoagie and a fucking 16 ounce coke. And I would sit there until two in the morning,

watching night court. All the people that they were bringing in for fucking drinking or vagrancy or doing coke in a club or fist fighting. I would sit there for hours. I'd love that type of shit. That's an education going to court, especially at that time I was thinking I was going to be an attorney. I don't know how the fuck I was going to pull it off

with no high school diploma. a criminal background, but that was what I was fucking going for. So I didn't know what was going on or anything with this trial. You know, I'm busy trying to get back into stand-up and raising my daughter. And I heard that fucking Jay-Z, what, not Jay-Z, bite my tongue. I heard that R. Kelly got 30 fucking years. So I just, for two days, I didn't really pay, who gives a fuck about R. Kelly? I don't, you know, so I'm just, but 30 years, I give a fuck about.

When somebody gets 30 years, something ain't right. Like Mike Tyson got six years, seven years for the rape, the accused rape. He never raped nobody. He got seven years for that. You know, that's the slap on the fucking wrist, you know. That was looking at nine years for kidnapping. Violent, kidnapping two, violent all the way, plead guilty to that. That's nine fucking years, you know, after you get out at seven fucking years with good behavior or whatever.

But I didn't know. what Art Kelly had done. I knew he fucking slept with underage girls, but that's where it ended. Even that, when Art Kelly started coming back up a couple years ago, like people were in shock. Oh my God, he dates underage girls.

Hello? Where the fuck were you in 1993 when he was dating fucking Leah? When he married Alia when she was 14. Anybody who sees that fucking girl knows she's four. Look at the fucking pictures of her. You're like, that's a fucking girl.

You know, a couple weeks ago I went to a barbecue. you're around the corner. Maybe two, like, when I got back from fucking Bert's thing, I think, I don't know. And I'm at the pool and my daughter's in the pool, a bunch of other girls, her age, they're nine, maybe ten.

They're running around, you know what I'm saying? So I'm checking on them. I'm talking to these parents over here and I'm checking on the girls. And there's a couple boys in there too. But one of the things, the babysitter slipped in. And she's like 24.

And she went up with like an iny, beanie, weenie fucking bikini. So I'm sitting there and I'm talking to the parents And all of a sudden I go to check on the girls and I see this girl and I didn't see her walk in so I'm like, holy fuck. Katie's getting big

because the biggest kid out of the group is a girl named Katie. And I look at it. I'm like, holy fuck. Katie's getting big. She's got some fucking body for a 12 year old. And then I go, is that Katie? And they're like, no, that's the baby.

I go, holy shit. I got all confused by watching. And then I looked at it for a couple minutes. And I know the baby says. She's really sweet. I know her and her boyfriend. I asked her on the, I go, can I ask you a question?

How old are you? And she goes, I'm 24. And I told my wife that, and I go, you know, Kristen might be 24, but she's a girl. Like when I saw, she's a girl. That's a kid. That, that, you know, I couldn't even talk to that girl. Like I'd say hello to her and shit. She asked me about my daughter, whatever we talk, but what would I say to her in a club?

or something like that. And I thought about a friend of mine that was not really a friend. He's an acquaintance from L.A. He was 59. And his wife was 21. And it just didn't work for me, guys. I'm sorry. When he told me that and she came to the office to fucking rip him out of my fucking podcast office,

I cannot believe it. I looked at this girl. Yeah. I looked at this girl and I'm like, 24. I mean, that's a fucking girl. So all this shit about age, like 18, 18 never worked for me. Like, I hear all these stories about comics or young girls, whatever. Yeah, these girls are fucking 19.

They're fucking 18, whatever. You know, I don't know. I don't know. Some guys like younger girls. If you hear any of my stories, I always like older women anyway. When I was 19, I did the 27-year-old. And when I was 14, I was trying to hit on a 40-year-old fucking milk. So, but just the fact that you would.

take that girl, bring her home, and try to fuck her, and then start a relationship with her? I mean, who benefits from this fucking relationship? You do as a fucking 40 or 50-year-old pig, but that girl is scarred for life. I know from looking at my dick, I wouldn't show my dick at this age to anybody. You understand me?

The days of second Uncle Joey's dick have long been gone. I don't want to show my dick to anybody. It's been years since anybody to see my. Dick, I showed you my ball sack. They're in the comedy store fucking benefit, and you guys had to go to therapy. Can you imagine this? I show you the whole fucking package.

I mean, I know this going in. Like, I don't ever fucking like these girls. So it all fucking came to me at one shot that week. I'm like, who would date that fucking young girl like that? That's over. Anybody who was over 40 to date that girl, you're a fucking sack of shit. Don't tell me that it's love.

It ain't fucking love. It's perversion. So the other night, I'm like, what the fuck? I didn't really know. I thought he just slept with an underage girl. Holy fuck. So the other than I went on Netflix. That's what I thought.

I thought he slept with a couple 16-year-olds. That's what I thought R. Kelly had done. I really don't know anything about his life. Guys, I was busy doing stand-up. Do you understand me when you're trying to move up a fucking notch in your life, you gotta sacrifice that shit that shit's not gonna put me money in your pocket

it's not gonna help you to achieve your goal at any fucking cost so the other night I'm smoking a couple numbers I'm stoned and I'm watching Netflix and there's nothing on and it says surviving R. Kelly now I know that show came out like two years ago or whatever and people were talking

about how nasty he was guys I watched five fucking episodes one night and I had to turn that motherfucking shit off like it was so fucking disturbing. Like remember I told you guys that I moved to Jersey?

One of the main reasons I moved to Jersey was just to get my daughter out of that world because shit rolls downhill, my friend. And those parents, that shit rolls downhill to those kids. And I had to get her to fuck out of that. It just certain things I had to do to get it to fuck out of that for certain reasons.

I can't put my finger on all. It was just time to leave. But after I watched it, said I turned off the fifth, maybe the fourth episode, the fifth episode, I go, I can't watch this anymore. Now I got to prepare how to get my little girl prepared for this stupidity because, you know, all the girls have the same story.

I mean, this motherfucker was hanging out of the high school. He was hanging out at a fucking high school. Now, let me tell you something, guys. I quit high school in 1981 I think I went up there like once or twice To meet friends at the school And I felt like shit Just going up there

Like what? There's a ton of kids that would quit school Hang out at school afterward Like look at me I quit school You know what? You're a fucking loser You quit school At least go fucking work You know

I went up there like twice to meet friends Like at 2.30 and shit And I'm like this ain't for me Once you're out of that school, you're out of that school. There's no reason to go up there and hang out. In fact, nothing bothers me more about North Bergen that there's still guys my age walking around with football jackets on. That's not fucking good.

That's not good. It's time to move the fuck on, you know? But I watched this fucking thing, and it was just disturbing to awe how what this guy was doing. I mean, this guy, he was married for a while. he would make her live in the room and bring other women to the house and kids and fuck him he had a 12 year old girl a dog some fucking chick that he made a video with

I don't know she caught him fucking somebody under the bed and there's a midget in the video and shit I don't fucking know guys I just saw it on I haven't watched MDV it's in 1994 since Kurt Cobain got fucking since he iced himself I don't know what the fuck is going on the musical world. This motherfucker did a video with a girl and then she came back

with her 12-year-old niece to meet Jay-Z. I keep saying Jay-Z. I'm not going to get sued for fucking slander. I love Jay-Z. Jay-Z didn't molest no 16-year-old. But fucking... So he had an adult girl

that's fucking beautiful, this sister. He did a video with her and then, I don't know, in time, the girl brought her niece in, a rapper. 12 years old the fucking kid had skills the kid could fucking rap so they figured they were onto something

so you know she never thought much about it and that's who he made the video with her pissing in her mouth and shit he made a fucking video with a girl I did not know this guy so I know to you you guys know this shit I have no idea

and he pissed on this girl and I watched all these episodes like they were fucking making fun of him on Chappelle Chappelle had like a big gallon of piss and he was just bringing them war i mean it's fucking crazy he pissed in the girl's mouth he pissed on her this is fucking and then he made a video and somebody saw the video so they'd made duplicate copies of it and it's called like uh fucking whatever r kelly sex tape volume one i didn't know about this shit and he fucking put the girl out there and then he met while he was

on trial he met a girl that was 14 And put her, and he got these girls pregnant, and he would, you know, guys, I could see, you know, like, what's the little chubby Kardashian? The one I like, you know, there's like, what's her name? Courtney, and then there's the fucking, what's the one that made the sex tape? Oh, Kim. Kim. So Kim made the sex tape. She's just a fucking animal.

They should just put her in a cage, guys. She's just a fucking animal. They just came out that the mother set up the whole, animals. Like I told you, L.A. animals. Anything for success? Animals. What mother would make her daughter do a fucking sex tape? Listen, welcome to L.A. Anyway, fucking the chubby one.

The chubby one is very sweet, very cute. She's tried everything to be like a sister. It don't take you. It don't take you to be a fortune tell you what's going on in that Kardashian house. The chubby one is the cutest one. She's sweet. She's loving. But you know what?

Everybody cheats on it. Like, everybody cheats on it. Every brother in the world has cheated on her. You know, I don't know if she doesn't give good head. I don't know if she doesn't stick a finger. I don't know what the fuck she doesn't do right. But everybody cheats on her. You know what, guys, when a guy cheats on you, that's not a sex crime.

When a guy cheats on you with some fucking chick at a club, it is what it is. You know what I'm saying? It's not a fucking sex crime. But this fucking guy, Jesus. Jesus, he was making the 17-year-old go down on the 14-year-old. And I just, I was fucking in shock, guys. Listen, guys, listen, you know, we've all done our drugs. We've all liked to get our dick sucked.

We all like to jump up and down. But to fucking piss on somebody, like, and just take these little girls. And you could see what really concerned me about my daughter was like, these were 15-year-old girls. Listen, when I was a kid, when I was 17, I had a crush on Pat Beneta. Okay, I just had a crush on Pat Benetton, right? We all have a crush on somebody. Some people like fucking, the chick from Fleetwood Mac,

we all have a crush on somebody. You know, did I go see Pat Benatar a few times? Yeah, I went to see Pat Benito. Did I chase it down for an autograph or a fucking picture or to give her a hug? No, I did something dumber. When Pat Benetat was getting married in 1983 on MTV, MTV was going to have a wedding for her in Hawaii.

And in those days, I don't know, you're young, Mike, but in the days of MTV, MTV would do raffles every month. One of the raffles was Van Halen coming to your house to play in your backyard with like 20,000 cases of beer and shit. Every summer, every couple months, they had some type of raffle, you know. And right before I left, in April of 83, MTV had a fight. I was going through a rough patch. Like, you know, when you have bad luck, like it don't stop. But it was, it wasn't society's bad luck. It was me being the kiss of death.

Like, I was fucking bad luck. So everything I touched turned to shit. So now I turned on MTV one day and fucking Pat Benatar's getting married to that fucking guitar player. And I'm like, what the fuck is going on here? That's it. That ain't happening. We're going to Hawaii and we're boycott the fucking marriage, right?

But I'm a broke dick. I ain't even got money to go. Newark. How am I going to get the fucking Hawaii? Right? So me and my buddies came up with a scam. We went out and we bought every fucking postcard, blank postcard that we could. And we made put the MTV address 100 25th Avenue, New York, New York, 1,0025. I'm still a geek. I still remember all that shit. And you have to put down like, you know, Pat Benetard contest. I want to enter. Guys, I put at least 200 in the mailbox every day. I had people helping me.

I had people mailing them from different mailboxes. Somebody said spread them around. I mean, I was going insane. I was going to Hawaii to fucking step up to the pump to tell Neil Haraldo to fuck himself. He was lucky if we didn't throw a beating on him. We were going to fucking drag him by his fucking little glamour guitar and take Pat Benatar from him.

It's a fucking wild fantasy. But, you know, I'm an idiot. The Coke is fucking... pushing the dream a little bit. So what do I do? I fucking send, I don't know how many fucking postcards to Pat Benetard to MTV.

They announced the winners on MTV. I didn't even win third place. I think like fifth place is like a fucking picture of Pat. I would be happy with a picture of Pat. I must have sent then guys a stack of those cards and I won nothing. But I didn't chase her down to Hawaii and hook up with her or try to hook up with her.

it's really sad that these girls were young kids and they were going to the fucking courthouses. You know, he would invite him over, tell them they could sing, come over and sing, the girl would sing, and then they'd tell the girl, take your fucking clothes off,

you're fucking and sucking. It's, it's, uh, that's worse than us, that, that's worse than somebody cheating on you, you know what I'm saying? And when the girls told you the story, like at first they were,

trying to keep it together, like how cool they were. Like, you know, this is something that just happened in their life. And it's like me talking to you about kidnapping or something that happened to me. But then, after a while, you could see that they just break them. You know, he knocked them up. He made them get abortions. He made them fucking, he just put them, he put these girls through the health of emotions. I mean, if he did it to 15 girls, I'll be surprised if four of them, don't I see.

themselves. You don't come back from that at a young age like that. You know, when you put on you porn or whatever the fuck you guys watch and you see those retarded chicks with their eyes spread out or you know, whatever the fuck they're doing, they're not all there. And they didn't get there by getting hit in the head

by somebody. That's by somebody inflicting fucking trauma and sexual abuse constantly since they were little kids. They didn't fucking know it. And I grew up with one of those girls that you could just ask her. Like, do you mind sucking my dick? No, get in the car. she was 19, 20, you know, she just recently died three years ago,

but I grew up with this girl that something was not right there. And yeah, you got your dick sick from her one time, but if you love your mother and you have any fucking idea of what's going on with mental health, you look at this girl and say, you know what, me getting her to suck my dick isn't that big of a fucking deal. Anybody could do it. I mean, obviously there's something wrong with the fucking girl. That blonde that you see at fucking Macy's,

that's hotter than shit, the one that you went over, everybody's trying to hit on, and nobody gets nowhere. That's the chick you want to convince to suck your dick. Not once, but twice, because you've got to work for that motherfucker.

That's a, you got to be a salesman. You got to show up with flowers and fucking planes that say, I love you. You know, the fucking planes that drag the shit, I love you,

whatever the fuck. But, yeah, guys, I was fucking blown away, man. So sometimes I'm happy. I don't pay attention to fucking what's going on. Because I can't deal with it. I really, that's just this motherfucker.

Now he has to go to another state and get sentenced again. I mean, it's all going to go concurrent, but he'll never fucking see the, he'll never see daylight again, this fucking guy. And I think he was suing the court because they put him in suicide watch. And she'll listen, they put you in suicide watch sometimes for your suicide. But sometimes they put you in that suicide watch you don't get fucking killed. That's the bottom line.

I've been to fucking jail. They have a section for the rats. Like protective custody, they have that. But guess what? Those motherfuckers eat, so they'll try to poison you. You know what I'm saying? Like those, that suicide watch, they watch fucking everything. They watch what goes in, what goes out.

So, you know, maybe it's for his protection. I mean, he, and all that shit he did, I mean, I can see if he did it to white chicks, you know, to get back from, what's the thing black people are looking for? They're looking for a payment, reprimation. I can see if you're going to fuck a bunch of white chicks and then go to court and just say, reprimations, whatever the fuck it is.

But he did it all to his own kind. He did it all to sisters, man. All to young sisters. And you know what? These young sisters don't, they don't catch a break. You know, if you know anything about the ghettos and stuff like that, sexual,

whatever, is big in those fucking communities. All those kids come home. They grow up with a fucking story, you know. a drunk uncle, whatever the fuck it was, somebody who wasn't paying attention to him. Anyway, enough with the fucking pedophilia talk. I just didn't know that this shit was going on. I didn't know they could throw somebody in jail

for having sex 30 fucking years. I could see if he, I don't know if he raped him. I don't know what he did. I know he yelled them against their will. They were touching on that. Some parents didn't see their daughters for two fucking years. He would make them, you couldn't eat. He would starve them.

He would starve the girls. He would fucking, you had to ask him permission to use the bathroom. You had to ask him permission to eat. Girls, this is why. This is why you got to be careful and watch your back at all times. You don't know what you're falling into. You know, now I know that there's a, I know what they were talking about the other day. There's a defamation case.

You know, this made it great for guys. This was an embarrassing victory. Whatever the victory was And the fucking Amber Hurd Johnny Depting, they're both fucking embarrassing and they both should be fucking ashamed of themselves. But now they're starting to talk about that there's another

case coming up. My boy fucking crazy boy. You know the guy that's fucking nuts. He dated the girl from an HBO show and she left him. He said he would put razor blades in a pussy and all that shit. What's that? You know, our boy there.

The freak show Whatever the freak show You know Welcome to the The show Marilyn Manson Yeah the chick from Westworld Yeah that poor girl

She's gonna go in there Say how she When you date Marilyn Manson When you think he's gonna bring you Fucking dozen roses He's gonna bring you A fucking roses Mixed with Bob Wire

To shove up your fucking asshole As a sex actor If you're going over there To hold of hands you gotta know the animal what you're fucking dealing with half the goddamn time. So whatever.

So the other thing I want to talk to you about that I did on the fucking vacation that guys, I fucking love this shit for years. And I did it as a hobby when I first was doing comedy. Like I did it. Hobby. I did it all my fucking life.

I was just a geek about it. I'm the type of guy that when I read something, I can tell in the first 10 pages if I'm going to like this. book or not a lot of people like oh you don't like that book not i could tell on the first 10 i give a book like three or four chapters and if it don't grab me it's not for me if it's one of these books where i got to wait for it to bust open it's not going to work for me you know so the last two years i was a little fucking slippery and shit my mind wasn't working right you know i was trying to write jokes

and i was just trying to write after i wrote the book with erika you know we wrote it together I've been trying to focus on shit And that's what was going on And me the last couple weeks That I couldn't Write jokes Like I was like, what the fuck is going on? Like I don't even know how to write a fucking joke

I downloaded some stuff I went online and I You know, just looked up joke writing And I was still struggling And all those shows I was doing I was having a rough time I was having a rough time doing over 15 minutes And then when I went on the birth door

being up on stage loosened a lot of shit and I started at least doing old jokes it's not what I wanted to do but at least I was starting to remember the old jokes and I'm like this is good that my mind my mind is getting fucking uh exercised again but it was father's day and uh my wife got me some books

about two months ago I went to barns and nobles with them in freehold and I just bought a fucking book Like I just bought a book about the New Jersey underworld. And I fucking read the thing in like four days. I was like, all right. Because when I tried to read the Judas Priest book, the Rob Halford book, it was a great read. But after sucking dick and fucking people in the ass and busting assholes,

you could just take so much of that. But I couldn't focus it in. But guess what? When I finished this book, I'm going to start reading the Judas Priest once again. Because I'm having Eric Roachon next week. and we were talking about that I didn't hear from him over gay pride month that I wanted to hear some stories or some busted assholes and some fucking, you know, I hadn't heard from him,

so we're going to have him on. But anyway, my wife got me a fucking book. It's crazy. I spoke to T.J. English. And he says he's coming out with a new book August 16th or something like that. So I go, send me the book so I could read it. And when you get on the podcast, at least I don't know.

It's called like Dangerous Rhythms or something like that. So he sent me the book. Right as I was about to read it, I was going to take it with me on the Burt tour. So, you know, you have all this fucking dead time. But in fact, I took this other book of me. My wife got me the Biggie Small story or something like that, the story of Biggie Small, some new book that came out.

And she got me this book here, The Mother fucking Westies by T.J. English. Holy shit. When this book first came out, I read it. And the copy that I had, for years I saved this book and I gave it to Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan and me talked about this book for fucking years. In fact, when he had T.J. English on this podcast, Joe kept trying to push this book, like the Westies. He wrote the Westies. He wrote the Westies.

This, if you've never had to, and it's funny. I'm doing, the Sony Theater is on 46 and 8th. Westies ran on 48th and 10th and shit down towards a hundred. Hudson, motherfucking river. If you don't know who the Westies are, it's a book about these fucking 13 Irish guys. Did you ever hear of them? It's a book about these 13

Irish guys in the West Side. They ran Hell's Kitchen. There was a guy, Mickey Featherstone, who ran at first or something like that. They fucking shot them. This book will leave you like, what the fuck am I reading? These guys were so tough.

And I knew all this stuff already. It was just great to read it all over again. These guys are so tough. You know, tough. 13 of them. That the mafia had to go talk to them. Like, they didn't go to Brooklyn or the Bronx.

The mafia had to go to the west side and talk to them. Paul Castellano all of them had to go talk to them. There was 13 of these motherfuckers, maybe 15, 11. Who the fuck knows? It was a handful. And these guys were kidnapping mafia loan sharks,

killing them and then collecting their debts. That's like fucking unheard of. Now, in all your knowledge, you're like, yeah, the mob, the mob didn't know what to do with these motherfuckers because they didn't give a fuck. They were shooting. They were doing drugs. They were fucking skinny people alive.

These motherfuckers were the first ones that were, like, chopping people up. They took their hands off and their heads, and then they had their body, and they fucking buried the body. This book is so fucking good. But the reason why I like this book so much is, because it opens up 20 other fucking avenues. I don't know if you saw the movie Sleepers. They were Westies. Those four guys were Westies.

That's why when Lorenzo Carcatero wrote that book, they were going to fucking kill them. Because these are like tough guys. They're gangsters on the Upper West Side. Now you're telling people that we went to jail and got raped? What the fuck are you saying? So that movie, the other movie that made with Sean Penn that he did with,

who's the greatest actor of all fucking time? The white dude. Gary Oldham? Holy shit. State of grace. State of grace is a movie that came out. Maybe 91, 90, 89. It's about the Westies,

how they lived on the West Side, but they moved to fucking Northern New Jersey and they would go into the West Side every day. And it was a, it's like an off movie about Sean Penn fucking was original with them. grew up with them but then he went away. John Totoro was in that movie. Great fucking movie, State of Grace.

And then he comes back 20 years later and now all these young Irish guys are fucking gangsters. He comes back as a cop. Anyway, it's a good fucking... But it ties all this shit together. So if you read this book, it's cheap. The reason why I took it out today

because I want to tell you something, it's cheap. The inside New York's Irish mob includes new and updated material TJ motherfucking English Great fucking book But it's interesting

As shit These are the guys When you see sleepers That they walked into the bar And the guys are talking about Politics And the guy goes listen Go over there

Send them a drink on me But tell them No fucking politics And no religion In this bar Then they get up And shoot Kevin Bacon Right in the fucking head

Tremendous This is the shit I fucking live for You understand me But we're back Cocksuckuckers last week my stand-up set was fucking tremendous

I have to be honest with you guys all the other shit I did Bert I started coming alive Atlantic City if you saw me yeah whatever the guest spots I did at Uncle Vinny's yeah whatever Bert's Bristol

I did okay and fucking whatever Bristol I did okay and Atlanta I did a little fucking better but nothing came together for me and for you stand-ups that are young and want to know what the fuck's happening, I tell you what's happening. And now for a word from my sponsor,

better help. Listen, you've got to take care of your mind. You spend a lot of time taking care of your skin, your hair, your teeth, but you never really think about your brain. You have to take care of your brain because it affects how you experience life. Investing time and energy.

And mental health is crucial happiness. Eating right, working out, getting plenty of sleep. They're a good start. But there's no substitute for talk therapy. Listen, BetterHelp makes online therapy accessible, convenient, and affordable. Why is therapy important? I don't know.

It helped me. Dana did great work with me. She gave me exercises to do. We spoke every week. Better help is online therapy that offers video, phone, and chat therapy sessions. Listen, there's no stigma with it, guys. We all got a look at this guy, Sean Mendez. He had to cancel three weeks of his tour.

He said it was overwhelmed. That guy's going to go talk to somebody. Hopefully, it's BetterHelp. You can choose to either see someone on camera or not, and it's much more affordable than in-person therapy. You can be matched with a therapist in under 48 hours. What I'm going to do for you, joint listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Joey.

Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Joey. I'm going to give you 10% off your first month. That's how we're rolling with better help. Contact, better help, and start your therapy right now. And I've done this a lot in my life, and it's not a good thing to do. Do not worry about this. This is why when people tell me they're thinking about doing stand-up, but they have the right material.

I tell them not to worry about the material. I go, for right now, like if you came to me and said, Joy, I want you to be my stand-up coach. All right, I want you to take me from point A to point Z. How do I do this? I'd say to you, number one, just get on stage. But Joey, let me get some material. No material.

I want you to get on stage. Let's do that. Let's just get that out of the fucking way. Let's get on fucking stage. You're going to stay out there for three minutes. I'm going to stay there with a marksman repeater. You know what a marksman repeater is? It's a fucking BB gun.

And it shoots darts, BBs, and fucking pellets. And I will fucking shoot you with something if you get off that stage before three minutes. I want you to experience that, and I want you to fucking feel it, right? Once you get off stage and you come to me and go, Joey, that was great. I want to do it again. I'm going to tell you, go up there again tomorrow night.

But Joey, I got no material. Do what you did tonight. Talk about your cat. Talk about your mother. Talk about your father's fucking fungi toenail. I don't give a fuck. What the fuck are you talking about? After you do it like two or three times,

now I want you to start. Maybe. Maybe. When I came back this time, I did rule number one. I did a mistake, guys. and I'm okay with it. I focused on the words.

I was focusing too much on the words, and then I would give up. I would open up my notebook, outline, try to write in the daytime. Nothing would happen. I'd smoke some pot. I would sit there. You know, when you write,

if you look at any of those writing books, they tell you to put away a certain amount of time. For me, it's an hour and a half. After an hour and a half, my back starts to fucking hurt, guys. I can't sit there. You got to get the fuck up and out. Put a timer next week.

to you and sit there for that hour and a half. And you're right. And you're not going to get the best jokes in the world. But keep writing. If you do that 20 fucking times, 20 days in a row, start with an hour. You're going to sit down for one fucking hour every day. Okay? This is Mitch Hedberg.

This is me talking to Mitch Hedberg all those years and him telling me how he did it. Mitch Hedberg had those fucking jokes, not because he was doing drugs and smoking pot. Mitch Hedberg took it a fucking area even deeper than us. Mitch would sit down for three hours, no phone, no music, no radio. Three hours, take off for an hour, two hours, and that was it. Mitch was right in five hours a fucking day, guys. Even in the heart of his fucking addictions and shit, I mean, I didn't talk to him the last year of his life,

but I know for a fact that motherfucker was right in five hours a day. I got to tell you something, if I'm writing five hours a day, I'm going to be the best fucking stand up in the world because I could sit for an hour and a half. And when you write for an hour and a half, for the first week, you're not going to fucking, nothing's going to come anything out. You're going to keep doing it.

But then you're going to notice something. At the end of it, let's say you say, Joey, I'm going to do it for an hour. I guarantee you, after a week at the 50-minute mark, you're going to start writing jokes. You're going to start writing them. You're going to see this. It's just going to one joke here, one joke there.

It's going to be a lot better than one. And this is what I'm saying to you. If you don't dedicate that window. And I'm talking to you about Mitch Hedberg. I'm talking to you. This is not what I did. This is why I'm a mutt and I'm sitting at home in the studio. The Dave Chappelle's, those guys that are up there, this is what you want to do.

They write five, six hours a day and then they write on fucking stage while they're up there. And I did this for a long time also. I'm not saying I just did it. a different way. I do a lot better writing on stage and in my notebook. Everybody has their own different way and in time you'll figure out what works for you. I don't know how it works for musicians. I don't know if they do the music first or the fucking words first. I don't know. That's not what I'm here for. But for stand up, you write, then you take it up to that stage that night, you make adjustments. My mistake was I was focusing too much on the fucking words. I was focusing too much

of words and I'm like, you know what? So when I went down Uncle Vinny's last week, that was the same day I went to the beach. Do you really think I would ever go to a beach on the day I had a show to do 40 minutes? If that was 10 years ago, I would have been home all day writing,

sweating, preparing. It didn't fucking matter to me. I did not give a fuck. I went to the beach. I didn't look at a notebook till I got home about 6 o'clock. I just made some notes that I wanted to move this around, and there was maybe four things on the notebook.

And let me tell you something. I did that 40, 45 minutes. I only covered one of those things that I've written on the notebook. Always remember, before you go on stage, if you look at your notebook and you look, go over the notes, every time you go over the notes, whether it's three times or two times, you're up in your percentages to do a lot better.

Just going through your notebook. Not writing, just going through it, making little adjustments. Even if I go, tonight, I'm going to move that here. Boom, stop right there. But I got to tell you something. I went down there Wednesday night and I held no fucking prisoners. I didn't think about the words. The jokes I had on paper didn't even come out.

I didn't do the fucking action part bit. I didn't do anything. There was one bit I wanted to try. You know, when people get the transgender surgery, where do they get the dick from? Is there like a dick factory that makes dick for transgender people? They're like, hold on. He gets the size of 11. They rip it out.

I just wanted to try all that stupid shit. And guess what? It worked, guys. I came back home and I was like, holy fuck. Lee called me the next day. And somebody who, one of my friends was at the show and he goes, Joey, that's the best I've seen you a long time. I go, I'm going to tell you what. And this is the best you are going to see me.

I don't give a fuck about an Netflix special. I don't give a fuck about a special. I don't give a fuck about what an agent or a booking. agent says to me, I don't give a fuck if you cancel me, because I got nothing that you could take from me, nothing you could cancel me for a show, whatever. That's the best position to be when you want to do stand-up. Think about it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to do an HBO special. I could give a Frenchman's fuck about the tonight show, any of that shit. I'm 60 years old. It's a hobby for me. I'm fucking really good at it. And I'm, I'm

I'm going to keep fucking doing it, and I don't give a fuck. It doesn't matter. Nobody can... This is Joey Diaz on... There's nothing you can take from me. What are you going to lose a sponsor? Who gives a fuck? They come and they fucking go.

Who the fuck... You know what I'm saying? So, this is the best I'm ever going to be. I got a couple shows this summer. I don't go vinnies. I got a show in Asbury. I got a show in the city, you know, 15-minute spots, whatever. I'm going to take my time.

I'm going to have a great fucking time. this summer and guess what when we start that residency September 17th I think it's October 10th whatever I'm gonna be in such fucking great shape and I'm excited for this I don't have to do anything I don't give a fuck what comes out of my mouth I don't give a fuck about what you got to say whether you're uncomfortable whether you're offended none of that shit even works me let me tell you something I did such a great show the night nobody was offended and I was talking about some wild shit You just got to explain yourself more.

You just got to write the joke. Tell the joke. Not write the joke. Tell the joke. Explain the joke and tell them why you think that way about it. That's it. Tell them why you think that way about it. Remember, stand up is how your world collides with the rest of the fucking world.

So if you don't like walking the street in the middle, just fucking talk about it. And that's it and that's that, motherfucker. Because it's Monday. I'm fucking excited. I'm excited Fourth of July. over with. I'm done with the Bert tour. We are making up that September 2nd date in Mississippi,

so don't throw away your fucking tickets. And that's it and that's that. This week I got no shows that I know of. I might pick something up. I'm supposed to go with Ari tonight to a Bruce Lee movie in the fucking city. He's going to have some mushrooms. I'm going to bring some fucking ABXs

and we're going to fucking take it from there. But that's it and that's that. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black. Uncle Joey loves you, and here's for a word for my sponsors. All right, you savages, thank you. We're back and we're ready to rock. I'll have more dates for you soon.

But anyway, before we go, now for a word from our sponsor. Better help. Listen, if you're thinking about therapy, this pandemic beat us all up. This pandemic destroyed us. Our mind, how we thought, our insecurities. We spent a lot of time alone, and that's not good for anybody. right working out and getting plenty of sleep they're all a good start to be in there but there's no substitute for therapy especially talk therapy better help makes online therapy accessible

convenient and affordable listen if you turn on one of these podcasts from last year you could see i was struggling mentally ever since i contacted dana last april it's been a great year for me why is therapy important because you need it listen even sean mendes is canceling three weeks of his tour because life gets overwhelming. It's important and BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone, and chat. You can choose not to see anyone on camera if you want to. It's much more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist in 48 hours.

If you've been looking, it's very hard to get a hold of a therapist. Contact BetterHelp.com slash Joey, and I'm going to get you 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash joey. The joint is also brought to you by Lucy.co. Listen, you know how good Lucy is

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great. The pomegranate is tremendous. Remember, if you're interested in a better way to use nicotine, visit lucy.coe. And be sure to use promo code Joey. The joint is also brought to you by ExpressVPN. The best, if you're looking at something, you don't want people to know your business. Do you? So if you're online and you're using cookies and all that stuff, people know what you're looking at. If you want to look at little midgets in Africa, they know you're looking at it.

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That's expressvpn.com slash joey. I want to thank ExpressVPN. I want to thank lucy.com. And I want to thank BetterHelp, but I want to thank you guys for fucking always having my back and the support that you give me.

Stay black. Have a great week and we'll be back next Wednesday, the 13th. All right. I love you, Coxuckers. Have a great week and we'll see you Wednesday.