The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #180 - Joey Diaz, Sarah Tiana and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: May 26, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined comedian Sarah Tiana. Happy Memorial Day you crazy animals! This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 05/25/2014.

Welcome to the Church of What's Happening Now, special Memorial Day edition, where it's about to go crazy. Where's the music? Oh, shit, I forgot. Jesus, Christ Almighty. You see, I'm fucking saying. Get up, cock suckers. Salute the flag. Get up. Everybody. Get up. It's Memorial Day weekend.

I'm sure you had a grandpa who killed the Japanese persons. I'm sure you had an uncle who stabbed the Puerto Rican in the heart. Something. Get up. It's not about potato, salads, and cheeseburgers, you fucks. It's about being a fucking American, a state of mind. You need to be born in America to be an American. Just need to get up in the morning, grab your balls and look at the flag and look at Jesus and say, You know what? I got this cock suck because I don't need no fucking welfare check.

I'm a savage. All I need is a fucking knife, a spear, and a... I don't even know what I need no more, you know what I'm saying? It's Sunday, Special Edition Memorial Day weekend. Get your shit together. That guest tonight, the beautiful... It'siana. Get it together, Coxuck.

Now, this show is sponsored by Dollar ShaveClub.com. Get high-quality raisers sent to your door every month for a fraction where you pay at retail. Now go to Dollar ShaveClub.com slash church. That's Dollarshaveclub.com slash church. Or just go to Joey Diaz.com and click on the Dollar Shave Club banner. The show is also sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus has you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus.

Huluplus.com slash Joey. That's Huluplus.com slash Joey and buy Escapodtank.com. Go there for all of your sensory deprivation tank needs. mention Joey Diaz and you're going to get $250 off of already low prices. Put this microphone on, Lee. Hit, check,

check, oh shit. It's a beautiful song for a beautiful day. Memorial Day. It's Sunday late night, but it's Monday in some places and who gives a fuck? Get up. Get up, cock suckers. It's a good day. gonna smoke some dope you're gonna eat some cheeseburgers hopefully something good will happen maybe you get your ass lick i don't know you know what i'm saying get up cocksuckers monday may 26th

the day the devil was fucked in the ass and lit on fire and taken to a gay party lee here you go what's up buddy it's fucking memorial day cocksucker there's a vet in Afghanistan right now hiding under a tent waiting to shoot them don't be breaking a half eat that shit It's fucking hard as shit You're good teeth you're Jewish He got good teeth you're Jewish

You like the elderly guy I do We're starting this on the right foot We give Saturday Tiana one But she's got a bowl coming You know what's with the music What's with the music Lee? What are you DJ fucking Melly Mel? How are you guys doing?

He can't get it down No he can't get it together with you're slipping Gross. I gave you a little piece. It's delicious. It's fucking nutritious. It's chocolate, correct? Who don't like chocolate, Lee?

Stop spitting in your hand. You can eat that thing, cuck sucker. Swallow that thing like a soldier. Somewhere in a fucking bush somewhere. There's a little white kid from Ohio fucking eating a can of jello. And here you've got a fucking chiba chew. A deluxe of mishol?

Sure, a little fucking pouch of jellos. What's happened, Saratiana? sexy savage. I've been waiting to get you on here for a year. We go through each other on Twitter sometimes. I know. I know. I've been wanting to come on here for a while,

so I'm excited that it's finally working out. Oh, you look beautiful as usual. Oh, thank you. You look very beautiful today, too, Joey. I'm trying. It's tough out there for a pimp. Lee Syatt, what's happening, you sexy motherfucker? Look at you.

He brothers, we had a little day outing at the track. I know. It was fun. Myself, the baby, Lee, his girlfriend, San Juan, the, what's her name? San Jose. What's his name? What's his name? Sam Juan?

The San Juan. I'm confused. The Filipinos. I got Spanish last names. I can never figure that shit out. But we had a nice time. Yeah. We went over, our friend hit the fucking trifecta for $7.90.

Very nice day. Yeah, yeah. I took a beating as usual. Lee was the kiss of fucking death. I was winning until he got that. What are you going to do, Doug? What's up, dog? You're looking all discombobbula.

What's going on? Well, someone said audio was weird, so I was just seeing if someone else said anything. We'll see, we'll find out. Okay, we'll get it together. You're slipping. We had too many moving pieces. We did. He's having a tough time with that.

He's still recovered from the Cheeba. That was an off-brand Cheapichu. What is it? What's it called? A Cheebo chew? A Cheebo chew. That's the, what's going on? I guess they're behind the eight ball. Something's going on with the manufacturing or something.

There's no more. Our favorites. So it's like a gummy bear. Oh, okay. It's called a Green Hornet. And it's 70 milligrams. And it's got like 220 milligrams of CBDs. But you get pretty fucked up.

It's the best thing out there for the valley. He had one and a half last time. Oh, my God. One and a half? That was, I mean, it was a gummy bear, so it's even stronger. That was, my body just turned off at some point. He drove me home. He was driving home.

He was waiting for Google. Who was going to pick yet? Lift. Lift. Google. I know. What are you saying? Every day somebody new is picking you up.

That's true. What's going on with the audio? I think we're good. No one else said anything. All right, beautiful. What else is going on with you? Good to have you on here. I know you go on a little tours of Red Band.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that was a fun. We just went to Vegas, but that was kind of a nightmare a little bit just with the club. But we had a really good time, like the three of us together. Hang on with Brian. There's always a good time. He does something. He's just a different guy to really go out with, Brian.

I don't know how to describe it. Like, after comedy, he's a warm guy. Yeah, oh, yeah. I've known Brian for a long time. It's really weird to see the different phases that he's gone through as a comic, you know, producer with the podcast. But one thing I do, and I've gotten mad at him as hell, you know, I've gotten mad at him for a while.

He's gotten mad at me. But the beauty of our friendship is that whenever I'm with him, I have a great time. He knows what I'm coming from now. I know what he's coming from. I got to tell you, I really love him. I'm really proud of him. Yeah.

I'm really proud of him. He works really hard. That's what I respect a lot, too. And he makes me laugh. He's just one of those guys that always makes me laugh on the phone. Something stupid. He's mad at somebody. It's always something, you know, so I'm used to.

I got a call from a friend until he was disturbing. Uh-oh. Like a dear, dear friend of mine that I've known since sixth grade, you know, shit like that. He used to walk to my mom's bar, I let him sit at the bar and drink sodas. We all be like tough guys. We're drinking at the ball.

We're drinking fucking sodas better than us. Where's the rest of the fucking 12-year-olds? Somewhere fucking playing with balls. We're going to fucking drinking sodas watching TV. And he called me. I looked at the phone. I was expecting somebody else. So when I saw it was him, I picked it up.

And it was kind of one of those disturbing calls. You know, like he was talking about stocks and bonds and shit. I didn't even know what the fuck he was talking about. He's investing in this. he's investing in that for it. And he's a great guy, but he's one of these guys that just had a job at the same place for a long time. Like at a newspaper or something,

and it's, when I got off the phone, it's amazing how different our lives ended up. You know, we were both crazy together, and we were both. And, you know, you get these attachments in your life, like a child or a wife. You know, you get these things along the way. And when I got out the phone,

I'm like, sure, he's talking about fucking stocks and bonds. You see, he's by himself. You know, he's my husband. age, you lives by himself. He has no children. He has no wife. You know, I couldn't even imagine. We're getting into a good conversation before the podcast started.

That's usually the way it is. You have good conversations before the podcast. And once the podcast is, you look at each other, like, what the fuck happened? We were talking about children, how hard there's even the father-daughter relationship. You came out all right. You're tight with your dad. Yeah, I'm really close to my dad. And you're a very decent young woman, you know?

I love to call you a daughter-miss. But it's amazing how sometimes when you're around the guy, you can see if you came from a fucked up home or whatever. Yeah. If a parent was there. I think it's the same with guys and women sometimes, you know. You know, my parents did a good job with me because they, what they, when I was growing up in the South, like in Georgia, we had a daycare center in my high school.

Like, tons of girls got pregnant in high school, and they took out sex ed and they put in a daycare. Like that was their way of solving a problem in the hometown that I, grew up in and it wasn't really it was looked it was frowned upon to get pregnant but then obviously like the school was like almost encouraging it by putting in a daycare and uh and so the way my parents like solved the problem was they just always made me work they kept me very very busy like i got a job when i was 15 and my i used my dad um owned a pepperage farm distributorship so i used to work for my dad Like on the weekend, it was like never idle time for me to just like sit around. Like they really instilled hard work in me.

And so that kept me so busy that I was constantly just like focused on that and like making money and, you know, and working really hard because like that's what made my parents really happy. So I didn't have time to get into. Fuck around. I didn't have time. Yeah, I wasn't into drugs or alcohol or anything because I was just like, no, no, I want to work. I want to like make money. I want to be able to afford clothes because my parents also never bought me anything.

They always said if I wanted something, they would buy me anything I wanted, but I had to pay for half of it. So if I wanted a purse, it was like, okay, well, you can have that. You have a course, but you have to pay for half of it. So it would have to teach me to save that money and like, okay, and by the time I saved it up,

I was like, oh, I don't want that. Did your dad ever say, I'll pay it for you, give me half of it, and then he'd look at you and wink can go fucking put it on the own. I catch the next one or something like that. No, no, they never, only a couple, only a couple times that I even do that. They never, no, they never paid for the whole thing. I don't think they had the money either.

Yeah, my parents did the same thing. I grew up, my parents moved to a town before it became kind of rich and, like, higher end. And the kids in my school would get BMWs and lettuces. And, like, they would crash. I have so many friends who total, total, multiple cars. And I got a job when I was 14 I worked for like two years To save up the two grand for this shitty beat up car

I never got a one accident Never got a single ticket Or it tastes better You need to work for it You know you're not gonna fuck around with it You know Yeah It's amazing how we've all had a similar background

Because my mom was a firm believer And was there any time You can look at your parents and go fuck it I'm not getting up this Saturday and Sunday No yeah right no way That didn't work either with you It didn't work with me That's amazing

Never My mom made a point Because I'm, I mean, you know I'm the kind of guy who would love, if you sit me down in front of a TV, I'm fine. Like, even in school vacations, I was always in some sort of camp or league or even if it was just going to a, like, a camp to do, like, video stuff. At least I was out of the house. I never was, like, one of the kids who could just run around the neighborhood. Like, I didn't even have a neighborhood. I was on the kind of a busy street.

But it was just, I never had anything like that. Yeah, see, we didn't have neighbors. I grew up on three and a half acres in the country. Like my neighbors were a cow pasture and a sheep farm. Like I grew up between those two. So we had to like, if you wanted a friend to come over, like that was a whole day. Yeah. So we had a swimming pool in the backyard.

That was what my parents spent money on. They spent money on things that the whole family could enjoy, not just one of us or me or my sister or my parents. Like if they were going to spend money, it was going to be on a TV that we all watched. It was going to be on a vacation that we all went on. It was going to be on a swimming pool that we could all use. And so we all had to like work. and keep the pool clean and take care of it. And my mom and dad had an agreement.

My dad did everything on the outside, and my mom took care of everything on the inside. And if anything from the outside, crawled into the inside. He had to take care of that, too. So it was a very, you know, I mean, on the weekends, we all slept in maybe an extra hour. But as soon as somebody's up in the kitchen,

everybody's up because they're hungry. It's amazing how having a pool taught me a lot also because kids would come over And then when it was time to leave, they would leave. And then my mom would say, what about all those towels, the garbage? You got to pick all that shit up, and I would pick it up. And then we had an above-the-ground pool. But then my friends got it below the ground pool.

And I would go over there, and at the end of the day, the same thing would happen to them. But I would always stay around and help him pick up. Oh, wow, that's nice. This father would always go, this kid came from a good house because all your other friend's boogie with Nuggy. He hangs out and cleans the towels and fucking... So it's amazing the work. I couldn't imagine. Like, I remember one of the toughest jobs I had was for like a year.

My stepdad bought into a flower shop. And you had to get up in the summers like at four. Oh, early, yeah. And go to New York, pick up the roses and the glottos and all that shit. Then de-stem the fucking roses with a thing in your hand. Oh, shit. That was the worst summer of my fucking life, man. That was the worst summer ever of just destemming roses from like,

six to nine, six to ten, the stemming, and you'd get your little hand caught, oh, it was a fucking nightmare. I did a lot of shitty stuff. You're the worst second thing? My mom made me stick my hand in the tampon box one time. You used tampons? Yeah, my mom told me women put money in there

because my mom had a bar. Oh. So part of my angle, you had to clean the fucking bathrooms. Oh, wow. So I kept saying, mom, one of those little things that women leave money in there for you. Go ahead, stick your hand in there. Was there any money in there?

Fuck, no. I was like, I never stuck money. And in those days, it weren't like tampons. There was like these big fucking cortexes that look like a, like a fucking shell from the ocean. It was just like a, like a, like a small mattress that folded, like a fucking mattress for a, it was crazy. Yeah.

It really was what the lesson she made me do. And I never, you're right, I never bitched. I knew I had no fucking option. No. I had no option in that situation. There was no, because you. cut me an offer, I couldn't refuse. Like, here's the deal.

This is what you want. This is what you can get. But you got to do this, this, this, this. Once you're finished with all this, then we'll do that. Yeah. So it's kind of a fucking... Yeah, and when you're a kid, you have the energy to do all that kind of stuff. So I was just like, okay, all right, I know I can do this.

I just, like, clean the house really fast or whatever it was that we had to do. But my mom never, like, made a... Like, we used to beg my dad to mow the lawn because, like, he had a riding lawnmore, and that was, like, driving, you know? But my dad was like, nope, this is my lawn. You know, like he had a certain way that he did it. But then finally, eventually, like once we were better at, like, driving cars and stuff, he would let us, like, mow the lawn.

You got boys in your family? You have brothers? No, just one younger sister. Wow. So two girls. Two girls. Yeah, my poor dad. The father-daughter relationship is, like I was telling you this before I was petting her head.

Mm-hmm. And she was watching her Wally Kazan, whatever the fuck she watches. And I'm just thinking about how my wife was like, I'm taking her for a walk and how scared I was. Yeah. I was like, oh, what the way are you going to go? Yeah. Yeah. I go, Studio City walking.

Stay in the house. It's air condition. Yeah. She's like, no, I'm like, I didn't go for my walk. Yesterday we drove to the pool. Mm-hmm. So the whole time, you know, you think all these thoughts. And then I was kind of, I started thinking about my mom for some reason how she was not into me being having fear.

Right. Like at any fucking level. The only thing she didn't want me doing was crossing Broadway. When we first came from Cuba, we lived a block away from fucking Broadway in New York City. That's the biggest fucking street in the fucking world. At that time, it was 1960 fucking six. By 68, I was playing in front of the house, and she would go, I don't give a phone what you do. You cross the streets that way, you know, latterly.

I don't want you going across from Amsterdam, I don't want you going across Broadway. And that's what I did all day. It was as soon as I seen her head go back in that fucking window, man, my buddies went to a corner of Broadway and you had to run the fucking cars in those days. There was no 10 seconds with a fucking hand and 20, beep, beep,

and some fucking blind dude with a stick. That shit changed. That shit changed. You had like three seconds to run around the fucking street. That's hysterical. That's really fucking hysterical. That's the only fear she ever told me not to do.

And I did it anyway. But everything else was like, you know, and we're talking about what I saw, like a mom's encouragement is different than a tad. You were saying that when something bad happens, you call your dad. Yeah, well, like, when I have to tell my, when I have something that I just want to talk about or I'm upset about, I'm like, call my mom. But if there's something I'm really upset about, I'm going to tell my dad because my dad is going to give me that kind of sympathy that I need. Like, a dad's, like, because if I'm really hurt, like, and I tell my dad, he's going to be just as equally hurt as I am.

Whereas if I tell my mom that I'm hurt, she's going to be upset. But she doesn't have that kind of, like, deep-hearted, you know, she has a deep love for me, but a dad's love with his daughter is, like, he feels your pain so immensely. Oh, it's horrible. I remember the first time I was ever, like, upset about a guy. It's, like, making me tear up, but I, like, I told my dad that he had cheated on me. My dad was so upset that he started crying over the phone.

And it's the first time I'd ever heard my mom. dad cry sorry that's all right we get an emotional in here yeah that's like not we but I get emotional but that's different you know my mom doesn't cry you know she never she was the strong one you know my dad is like a little bit more emotional it's always scary meeting dads as a guy going to meet a girl's like parents I'm really cool with my girl's mom but like the dad isn't really in the picture so it's kind of like the ominous scary like the first girl my first ever girlfriend she was adopted and her parents were old like really older like 70 when she was in high school and I went over and her dad

brought me up to like the attic and had guns which in Massachusetts isn't a normal thing right yeah so I was like freaked out that was my first introduction to it yeah but it's a it's always I mean I can't I'm excited not excited but in 15 20 years with mercy like imagining what you're gonna do Joey I just I was married before I was locked up and had a baby girl with it I was tight with the girl until she was about, we really were tight until she was about 10. And then the last five years,

it just kept getting worse and worse because of the mom. And now we haven't spoken in like eight or nine years. I think it's nine years. But it's so weird. It changed who the fuck I was. Like our relationship definitely changed my dynamic as a man. As a man's thinking. But now with this daughter, it's, I don't know,

I feel more connected with her. Like, I know what she's going through when she's going through it. Yeah. I tell my wife, don't break her boss. Just fucking, you know what I know? I see her piece in me. So I understand what pisses her off and what doesn't piss her off. And I get it.

I get it. It's so weird. But I always had respect for my girlfriend's dads growing up. I never had no real beef with anybody. I swear to God, it's the weirdest thing. I never, because I knew how to attack it. They just don't want to throw in their face, you know, at any age. You don't want some guys.

Oh, yeah. Of course. Throw on your dad's face. You just go over there, act like a fucking man, like a normal guy. Mm-hmm. You have your job, and you don't have alcohol on your breath, and you fucking do what you do. Yeah. It's tough, man.

Yeah. It is tough. And I just feel like, even with guys that I dated, I didn't really date that many. Like, my parents had a much easier time with me than my sister. My sister had, like, long, like a boyfriend from, like, middle school through high school. So they were, like, well more advanced than I ever was. Like, I never, I, like, would date guys all the time, but I was never, they were, they bored me a lot. Like, especially in high school.

Like, I mean, in ninth grade, I remember, like, I was always dating seniors. And then I, when I was a senior, I was like, what? These dudes are all, like, my friends that I grew up with. They're gross. Like, I'm not interested, you know? Like, they're my brothers. They're, like, my best friends. And so I never, but my sister always had, like, she had this boyfriend, Nick, like, all through middle school and high school.

boy, oh boy, that was like tough on my dad because it was like serious. It was more of a serious relationship with me. They were just like, my dad's always wanted me to have a boyfriend. Whereas my sister had boyfriends and then she got married. And she got married probably like six years ago. And I'm like way. Where's your sister live?

She's like, she lives in North Georgia. But it's close to your parents. Close to where we grew up. Yeah, my parents live in Phoenix right now, but they're moving back to next to my sister. They moved to Phoenix because my dad needed a better job and so they moved there for a job but now they're moving back. So yeah, so they're moving back to be with my sister because she has, you know, a family and a stepdaughter. They don't have a, she has never her own daughter yet or her own kid yet, but she has a stepdaughter so, which is basically, you know, she's had been married

to this guy since he, I mean, she's been with a baby since it was really little. But you wanted more than your sister. You want to get the fuck out of it. Yeah, I wanted to leave. My sister never wanted to leave. No, there's some people who want to stay there. But you knew in high school you were getting the fuck out of there. Yeah, I mean, I...

It's amazing. Did you know? Oh, yeah. You knew. You fucking knew already in high school. Oh, yeah. You too? Seriously, guys?

We all knew. We're all from the same cut. I knew because I had the worst addiction I ever had was looking at help wanted. Yeah. Since the time I was a fucking hot. freshman in high school, I would not read the sports anymore or nothing. I would just look at El Bonn every morning. I'd go, I'm a machinist.

I wonder what they do, a travel agent. Yeah, uh-huh. There's a lot of jobs with fucking travel agents. I'm going to write that down. Thank God he didn't choose that. It's the same shit I do right now. I'm my own travel agent. But it's just really amazing how you look at things like that.

I knew, and here I was in New York, but I always knew there was something better out there. Really? New York, I would think, would be. It might be hard to leave. I thought it was very hard to leave, but I always knew there was something that I was looking for. New York had everything I wanted, but just a little too much. Like I've always said, New York at the time in 82, 83, a little bit too much. I could look at Sarin go, what do you think?

Should we buy a machine gun? It's 4 in the morning, we could still get it. It'll be there until 6. You know, that's just a little too much. That's just a little too much, and I wanted a little tame, but I knew I wanted to get the fuck out of that. I knew there was something. And I always thought leaving and coming back would change you at that age. Like it would make you more serious.

But it didn't. I'd see my friends that would leave and go to the service and they'd come back. Still retarded or even more fucking retarded. You know, and I'm like, why the fuck did you come back? They come back after basic and go, I'm headed to North Carolina. I'm headed to Japan. It's going to be great. I'm going to fucking eat sushi.

I'm going to join karate. And then they come back a year later and they tell me how it sucked. and they don't want to, and I, you're out there, you're out there, and these people now that said it's suck, now I see why. They still went back home and that's where they live. It's amazing. I come from one of the hottest areas of the country there, that little northern New Jersey, and I just fucking knew something.

And I went to Colorado. Like, I didn't even come to L.A. I went to Colorado. I'm not saying L.A. has more. But there was just something missing. You did, like, the opposite move. No one goes from New York City to, like, Aspen, Colorado. Nobody.

I think 8,000 people did the opposite trip you did. Yeah, no, I was looking for something, but I wasn't looking for the obvious. Did you travel? Like, did you guys go on vacations or did you ever leave? Yeah. As a child, we traveled a lot. My mom was a fucking squirmer. Yeah, she liked it.

That was my parents, too. Like, every summer we went somewhere else. So I was so used to leaving the state. Like, most of the people that I grew up with in Georgia have never even been on an airplane before. Can you imagine that shit? I can't even imagine. My in-laws have never been on a fucking plane. I have so many friends.

Your current in-laws? Or, I don't know. I'm not even friends with them anymore, but a lot of people I grew up with that haven't. They've never been on a plane. Mm-hmm. Because they're really scared. My in-laws are really scared people. And I don't even know if it's the plane that they're afraid of or if it's where they're going that they're afraid of.

Really? Wow. Hey, listen, man, for some people, I can't even imagine myself putting a fucking nacho chip into hummus. I could never even imagine doing something like that. for some people, they couldn't. Have you spoken to people about California? Oh, they think it's like, they ask me every time, and no matter what, and they're like, oh my God, is it just full of like assholes and people who are fake and evil?

And I was like, every single city is exactly the same. I've been to cities everywhere. It's full of people. If you have the natives, the people who grew up there, who think this place belongs to them, and then there are people who have just moved there to try to work and live. Unless every single city I've ever been to in the entire world. And at this point, like, all the same stores are going to be there. Like, there might be a couple of differences, like Ralph's versus Star Market or something.

Now, nothing's really too different. I mean, I have friends that, like, I would be like, why don't you just go, like, come, go to New York, go to a city. Like, don't even go to New Hampshire or Vermont, like, someplace. And they're like, well, I ain't never left anything in New York. I need go get. That's what they'd say. That's what they'd say. It's amazing.

Like, I don't need anything there that I can't get here. Why would I leave? And it's like, well, maybe you just want to learn more about people. I mean, that's where real, like, racism and prejudiceness and stuff like that exists. And I feel like a lot of that stuff happens. It's perpetuated everywhere. It's not, like, I would say, like, Philadelphia is, like, one of the harshest, like, racial town. Most racial towns I've ever been to in my life.

It gets, like, scary racist sometimes. Really? Even coming from the South? Like, Philly's? Yeah. In the south, you know when people are racist because they're like waving a flag and burning a cross and stuff. But like in cities like that I've been to and I don't want to offend anybody that's listening because I'm sure this is not the whole town. But like like it's like understood in like Boston and Philly like that whole like little like New England area.

Yeah. It's just understood that like certain people go in here and certain people go in here and like we don't like white people go to this bar and black people go to this bar and we don't go to each other's. or Mexicans go over here, Asian people go over here. And it really freaks me out, especially because after leaving Calhoun, I, like, went to school in Atlanta, which is, like, so multicultural. Like, I mean, you have Morehouse and Spellman in Atlanta, which are, like, the most elite black colleges in the country. And then you have Georgia Tech, which is full of, like, Asians. And then the school that I went to, which was Georgia State, it was, like, half Vietnamese.

And there are 30,000 people at that school, like, half Vietnamese. So I grew up in a really diverse, Atlanta is so diverse that I felt like I moved to L.A. And I was like, why is everything so segregated here? Because there's like Korea town. There's like Little Ethiopia. There's a China town. We didn't have towns.

There's just like everybody just hung out of the same places. It's weird because like if you go to Brooklyn, Brooklyn's the fourth largest city in the country. But it's got every ethnic group. Brooklyn is in every, you name it. You fucking name it. You name it. They have it.

It's been like that for 200 fucking years. I don't know why. Some about Brooklyn, they just have everything. You have the international airport and there's something about. It's just something about Brooklyn. Something about fucking Brooklyn that's always the, I haven't felt it in that way, the racism. But you just hear words.

You just hear things. You just hear things. And you hear them from both perspectives in the East Coast. I've always said that I have black friends I know for a fact, they're not too cool with fucking Whitey. Yeah. They're not cool with fucking Whitey. They go back and forth because they must.

It's part of who they are in their job. But they're not fucking cool with Whitey. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that, to be honestly, I can't see everybody loving every fucking body. There's got to be somebody who's got to have something against the fucking system. I know Philadelphia has a city. I've been going to Philadelphia since I was a fucking kid. And I'll tell you one thing.

It's just crazy. And this is coming from a crazy person. I'm telling you that I'm fucking crazy. I've seen things that I've gone, you know, what are you going to do? Every time I went to Philly, I said, Jesus fucking Christ. Yeah. Not the last, not the last, you know, to do comedy yet. Well, yeah, even to do comedy, I don't know why at Helium, you know, it's a great club,

but I've seen some crazy people there. But when I was a kid, I saw some great things in Philly. Because I would come down from Jersey to go to concerts. So I went to see the Stones and Farina when I was in the eighth grade. And it was just, I don't remember. I remember going back in my head was fucking numb for a week. Like just seeing, you know. Then I remember the most vivid concert was I went to Black Sabbath and Sammy Hagar with a bunch of my friends.

And I saw something at that concert, that concert right there cemented. While Sammy Hagar was on stage, there were people that they couldn't spit far enough at him. So they would spit in their fingers and then fling them. the fucking spit at Sammy Hagar. Why didn't you like Sam Hagar? I had never seen. Sammy Hagar is terrible. This is 1970 fucking nine.

1980. Black Sabbath, Sammy Hagar, and Shaking Street. I'll never forget seeing people spit on their fingers and fling it. And Sammy Hagar being on stage and kind of dodging the fucking spit. What?

Like it was crazy. I saw some stuff. Then I went to Glassboro State for a couple for a semester. I went there for maybe three fucking weeks. Then I stayed for three or four weeks. Just roofing. And I saw some craziness. Like, I saw one night the guys I was living with woke me up and they're like, dog, get up. We got some chick. You got to see this fucking party. And I was like half asleep. I didn't know anything about that in those

days. I didn't know anything about sex parties and stuff like that. And they had a girl dressed like a mouse or something. And like two guys were fucking on. And I walked in. I'm like, what the I didn't see that as a 19 year old in Jersey. So for me, it was crazy. Then I heard about all that came with it like it's the only stadium that had a police station downstairs all over the affiliate for the Eagles Eagles yeah yeah wow because it was just so fucking crazy you know when the Giants would play the Eagles there'd be so many arrests so the time but the town's got a lot of heart I'm not talking bad about it's so I mean it's brotherly love it's brotherly fucking love I mean you know when they love you they love you let me tell you some today she would my daughter

was sleeping and I woke up I took a little nap in the afternoon Like a half of pot cookie this morning when I got up and I forgot. And I was feeling a little fucked up. And Rocky was on. Yeah. Did you watch it? I saw it on TV. I didn't watch it.

I ended up watching Bull Durham. Right. It was on. Rocky was on. And I watched 30 minutes of it. And guys, it's still a fucking Academy Award winner. Yeah. It holds up.

Little things. It's just little things. Yeah. You know, when you see a movie 30 years later, now you see different things that you saw 30 years when you watched the movie originally. And I've watched Rocky over the year. years. But today I even cried. Just the scene I saw

because when I walked in it was him telling Mickey that he didn't need a manager, that whole thing. And he throws Mickey out and he goes crazy and he comes and gets him. Then the next scene is him walking into the diner to meet

the mobster. And the mobster gives him money. And he goes, his 500 dollars, don't worry about me. And he goes, don't worry about it. He goes, hey, I really think Lady Luck is in your corner this time. That line right there, it just destroys me. Why?

Because this is a guy that's a fucking gangster telling a kid with a dream that I think this time you've had a fucked up life. He tells him, he goes, listen, man, I know you've been hung up. Take this 500. I think Lady Luck's in your corner this time. And the next scene you see him is him breaking the fucking turn the alarm clock off and breaking the egg and throwing the egg in there. It's just amazing.

They also had the scene when he was walking out of her house. He's walking on Adrian Tows, and he says something to her. He goes, hey, can I tell you something? He goes, it really does bother me when they say those things about me. It's just four fucking scenes that are just deadly, deadly scenes. It was shot in 28 fucking days that movie. Really? They didn't know who they were casting until the Friday before the Monday.

They had already a list of people, but the movie was so slow in making it that the people went and did other projects. That Friday of 5 was when they knew who was going to shoot that movie Monday. And it was magic. Bert Young got put on that Friday. The boxer got put on that Friday. Somebody else got hired that Friday. That movie started shooting on a fucking Monday.

Did they have a budget? Some shit budget. Supposedly the scene when he tells her, when he goes to the church and he comes back, they had to do it in one take. They have enough money for film. They had to do it in one take fucking scene. That's a still shoot on film. It's so expensive.

Tremendous. Yeah What's up, Lysayette You bad Jewish motherfucker you look at you It's starting to kick in No, I know I'm just hanging out

With the fucking Mexican girl this weekend Jumping up and down What are you gonna do? Eating Thai food Oh yeah Went to deep Like Sherman Way When went to this Thai place

And I got dirty looks When we walked in Why? Because it was just all Thai people Oh That must be a good Thai restaurant It was pretty amazing But uh

What you eat? Uh Fucking This uh It sounds kind of weird But You watched Bordane's show, right? His old show.

Mm-hmm. I don't know what Asian country he went to, but it was just like steamed chicken on top of white rice, and they give you all these spicy sauces to do with it. And it was a fucking delicious. And then they had, I like saute, like the grilled meats, and they had pork, which I never had before. That was pretty great.

But we saw a chef earlier that night. What else do you get at a Thai place? That's it. That's it. How much food do you get at? I don't know. I don't know. What did you get one serving?

That's it. No, I mean, it's it. You get a fucking Thai place. An appetizer? They had this weird on fire thing, kind of look like a poo-bo platter, but I don't know what it was. I was too scared to try it. You're dipping in the peanut sauce.

Oh, yeah. Peanut sauce is where it's at. What did your ass smell like afterwards? You don't want to know. You smell your asshole after it. What did you think of this hummus recall, cock sucker? Who likes hummus from Trader Joe's? Eating that disgusting.

I, I, haven't had hummus at Trader Joe. No, you buy, you buy a regular brand. You can't buy the weird off brand. I'm not going to make a whole brand. I'm not. I'm not. He hates hummus. I don't know.

To it's happening. I don't eat hummus. Just this fucking I don't know. I probably would have brought it there, but that's why you kind of have, I just go with bigger brands, because I don't think they're going to get fucked up like that. How can you fuck up hummus? I told you.

You can fuck up anything if your equipment's dirty. What was in it? What was, oh, the equipment was dirty? I guess. I don't know. They don't make it with their feet, don't step on it. No, that's wine. You don't hang up with the Arab up there, up at fucking Sherman Oaks that does it with his feet. He's popping grapes and throwing wine and jumping up and down that's not you

I can't do that why don't you like hummus I don't fucking like hummus I don't like talking about There's no reason All right You don't like talking about Tell me

You don't have to have a reason It's disgusting You have a reason How about let's fucking start with that It looks like dick That's why It looks like fucking death There's lots of things

I don't like to eat That's funny And when you're on a plane And you're hung over or something And somebody cracks open The hummus you're like What the fuck Should I shoot out of this plane

What should I do? Oh man One comedian, I forget who, he posted a picture of someone pulling out a bag of, like, what's that, El Poil Locco or something on a plane? Just some sort of fast food, I think, is the worst. You don't know how bad McDonald's smells, do you smell on the plane? On the airplane, yeah. It's really fucking weird what it smells like. It smells like fucking cat vomit on the plane.

It really does smell like shit. I feel so guilty when I have to eat, like, if I'm running late and then I have to eat on the plane, because I just know that, like, it's like, no matter what. A turkey sub, isn't that okay? A turkey sub from where? Anyway, I don't know. Not from fucking Subway. Okay. You know what they do to their turkeys?

What? They beat them. They kick them. They piss on them. They have Arabian men pissing on them and shit. And then they get to... Let's have the flavor. And all the fucking meats that they have at Subway are all turkey based.

So when you're eating the fucking salami that you think you're jumping up and down, that's like the fucking turkey's eyeballs with Tabasco on it. And you're jumping up and down. So let's say we went to the fucking salami. Nice Italian deli, right? Which one? Which one do you like? Well, for convenience, I like Roma.

I don't mind fucking Roma right up the corner for convenience. It's delicious. Let's say we go to Roma. You get two sides and the fucking sandwich for $760 and a drink. Where are you going to get that back? Let's say you got the 760 special from Roma, right? Yeah. Walk onto the plane.

Someone eats it right next to you. Is that cool? Yeah, delicious. Okay. They got a saucer sandwich, on Italian or a chicken-colored pawn. No hummus on the sandwich, shit like that. You know, we're cool. Well, cool.

What did you used to have, like, at barbecues? Because I was talking to Paula, and she never had, like, an American barbecue just because she's fucking Mexican. Right. What did you, like, what's your go-to barbecue, like, since it's Memorial Day tomorrow? A burger. You go with a burger and go a hot dog? Well, whatever's there, you know. Listen, it's whatever's there and whatever you're smoked against what you eat.

So if you smoke a fucking joint, I ate that hat dog at the track yesterday. I'm still shitting blood. That hot dog at the track? Still, my asshole's crooked. We went to Carnies last night because of those hot dogs at the track. That was not... I expected a restaurant. What, Carnies?

Yeah. No, it's a fucking... I had no idea. It was a fucking factory. It was not good. No, what were you thinking? I don't know. So you ate the Thai food, the hummus, and that fucking barnes.

You know what your assholes are going to smell like tomorrow morning? What? Debt, that's what. Death, like Newark. Everything's bad for you, right? Everything. Everything's bad. But have you ever eaten anything healthy?

and then smell your shit, it's horrible. Everything's healthy makes you smell worse. It's because it's coming out of my body, no matter what. It's fucking terrible. I eat yogurt and whatever. I farted. It was fucking horrible. I had it run out of room.

The cats ran out. I had yogurt and the banana and some raspberries. Jesus Christ, Almighty. But you go down there, you eat two eggs a loaf of bread, and your fart smells like shit, and it goes away real fast. Nobody gets their feelings hurt. But that healthy shit, hum it. Next thing you know, the whole room's on fire.

Do you guys, when you're dating someone, do guys shit around you because I didn't even realize it. Jesus fucking Christ, what type of question is that? Because I subconsciously, I didn't take a shit all weekend when Paul was here. You need to buy poopery. Well, I didn't do it on purpose.

Have you ever used that? No, what is it? You spray it in the toilet before you poop and then it makes it not smell so bad. So you were around the whole weekend and shit? No, it wasn't even a conscious decision and then I like drove home last night on the way home. I was like, oh shit, I got to go. And I just like it happened last night,

but I just, like, we're cool with each other, but, like, I, I don't maybe. But she's shit in front of you? Not in front of me, but. Have you smelt it in the bathroom when you go in there? No. It's been a year. No, I don't think she has. I farted in front of her a couple times.

And what does she say? Nothing. She giggling? No, no, it wasn't, it wasn't like a huge one. It wasn't like one of years. Did you like a, uh, announced like, oh my God, I'm sorry. No, I think I did it once. You just don't say anything?

I think I did it once when we were laughing, when we were, like, laughing. on the couch or something. I don't even remember it. It wasn't that memorable. But I did get scared. And I was not going to Steve Simone about it. And I think he's full of shit. Did you ever have, when you're sleeping,

like you have a dream about pee and then you wake up like, oh shit, I'm actually peeing? Yeah. Yeah. All the time. Okay. All the time. All the time.

I've peed on myself. Thank God this didn't happen. But over the other night, I had like a half an hour, hour dream. And I can vividly remember, like, peeing in the dream. And I woke up scared that I had that and I luckily hadn't done it in the bed, but it was like it was like the scariest 30 seconds

I live in fucking cold weather. So when you live in cold weather, your mind fucks with you because your mind will wake up and I got to pee. But then your skin says, fuck, no, it's too cold out there. Stay under that. So you actually think of yourself getting up and going to pee and taking your dick out and turning the light on. It's amazing. And next thing you know, you're peeing. You're holding your dick.

Next thing you know, you feel your leg getting warm. Your fucking ankles getting warm, your shoulders getting warm. And all of a sudden that's when you wake up, there's a puddle next to you. And you're like, God, damn, it's amazing how your mind works. Yeah. Women happen to that too? Yeah, that's happened. I mean, usually only when I've been drinking.

Okay. Yeah. But it hasn't happened in a really long time. But it happened when I was, like, in the bed with a guy I was seeing. Oh, no. It was brand new, too. Wasn't too. We hadn't been together that long.

How did he handle it? Oh, he was fine. He just, like, laughed and then, like, we, like, he, you know, I paid to have the comforter, like, you know, whatever. Oh, was it his bed? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it was his, yeah. Tremendous. That's tremendous.

Yeah. I came over and peed the bed. Guys like him. If a woman pee, have you ever had a woman pee on you? I mean, no. Fucking tremendous. In the shower, just have them squirt on your face. No.

With your mouth open. No. No. Stop that. I swear to God, it's tremendous. It really is. A girl talked me into it one time, and I was like, okay, what the fuck I do? I'm a loser.

I'm a feature act. I don't like, give a fuck pee on me, bitch. It was great. What's so great about it? I don't know, something. I felt liberated. Like, I felt fucking like I had been baptized. I'm not kidding you.

I wish I was kidding. She was really hot, too, and she peed on me. I loved it. Every once in a while, I'll click on one of those videos. It doesn't say pee video or whatever. You'll click on it. You're like, what happened? This is the worst.

and then I don't get it. You never even consider to the other guy? No, it's not my thing. Even if a guy begs you? If he begged me? No, I would feel like I'd be like even weird to doubt.

I'd never ask the woman after that to pee on me. It's not something that I go around part of the patois. My wife would just look at me fucking weird if I asked to pee on me. But it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. When you're fucked up, nothing's as bad. I saw a guy getting peed on himself one time.

I peed on the guy. Me and my friends because he was in the tub. in New York in a club at this fucking... Yeah, see, that seems like something that I could see dude's doing, just like, dude passed out, let's all be all in it. No, he didn't pass out. He wanted people to spit on him.

He was at, like, an erratic club. He was at one of those, we were going to get below at one of these fucked up clubs where people go to fetishes. Oh, yeah, yeah. And it was just... The first time I haven't been exposed to that was 19, like 82 or 83.

And it shocked me so much. I never even spoke about it. Right. And then when I lived in Seattle, Oh, Josh Wolf were at a bar. Yeah. And on Wednesday nights, they had that shit. And it was fucking.

No. They had that at the bar? At the bar downstairs and all these people. Not one of them attractive. Not one attractive. No, I didn't touch the beer. I was a doorman. I was security.

Not one attractive person. And they all walked around with leather chaps on and their nipples electrocuted and, you know, dog things and people pulling them and people whipping them. And they'd hang a fat chick. and they'll throw darts out of his shit it was fucking crazy and I remember one night I judged this right in front of me I saw this ball-headed guy

with like piercings and tattoos and I don't know what his fetish was I'm by the door and I would just get high and watch this and there was like this fat chick she had away 400 pounds or like a bikini top with her stomach hang

and tattoos she had been whipped like she had like that Denzel Washington back in glory like she had like the girl in 12 years of slave, like one of those ones. This was crazy guys. So he turns to her, because I think you just fuck. You just fuck after those things.

I don't know. You didn't have to know their background. Nothing. People just fuck. They meet and they fuck. I was right there, and I heard him go, hey, how are you? And she goes, if you want to get the second base,

it's going to start by putting in a tic-tac. Like this fat chick with whip marks on her back told his handsome dude to fucking, that his Brett's done. I'm like I'm like in which fucking world do you exist your fat fuck

you're lucky this guy's even talking to you if he was missing a tooth you know anyway I'm sorry I'm just get emotional about fat jac I think with that those like sadomasicism

right it's more just about the sadomasicism and it's not about sex I think it's about whipping in shuling I think it's about the dominant thing and it's not necessarily I don't know if it ends with sex

at all How did they find each other before the internet? I think that's what gets them off is the act of being dominated. Jesus. Now, last week we bumped into that chicken Austin. That was like 60. And she had the handcuff on her ankle. She had a handcuff on her fucking ankle.

And she was talking about how she's writing a book and she wanted to question me. What was interview me? I, okay, we were leaving the club on the last. Going back to prison days. Oh, my God. We had to be up in like three hours. and it was like the last night at the club.

And I wanted to leave, but I didn't. So we came out of the club first, and this woman was waiting for him, and she just kind of like started hitting on him. And then you went back into the club for a few minutes, and I was fucking high out of my mind. But you came back, and then she talked to you for like 10 minutes,

apparently about wanting to interview you out about a book. And all I kept hearing was, let me buy you a drink. Let's go get a coffee. I'm like, listen, lady. I don't know nothing about that world. The only thing I've been pissed on, one time

the rest of this shit I don't know what's going on my resume I was coked up she had handcuffs you know fuck it that that's it she had handcuffs she had one on her ankle this old lady did but this lady was fucking old she was like 60

you know just out there pose and telling her and she looked at me she was by the way the only I have no hair from my eyebrows down so wait a second you're gonna show me that 60 year old fucking pussy with no fucking hair on it

now I'm really fucking I know. Wow, I never had anything like crazy like that. Never, I had a guy hit on me once who had a briefcase handcuffed to his hand, which is like. What did you ask him what was in it? I try. Yeah, I think it was money because he kept like, it was when I was waiting tables at the four seasons. I like worked at the pool there for years. This place here? Yeah. And every time you walk past him, I mean, he was just ordering like double gray goose on the rocks.

like over and over and I would just like bringing him to him like one after another and every time I walked past him he had me $50 so I walked past him a lot and then he said you know any of this briefcase handcuffed to him and he was telling me that his wife had cheated on him and she was going to try and take all of his money even though she cheated on him so he took all his money out of the bank put him in this briefcase and he was leaving and he was going to Paris that night and he's like if you want to come with me you'll never have to work again is what he said and I was like oh my god that sounds like I constantly think about what my life would be like had I been like yeah I'm up for adventure because it does sound like something I would

do like I'd be like yeah I've never done that before I would do that but no I was like he's drunk he probably doesn't mean it that's what I thought but no I never had anybody pee on me or um me to like some sort of interview. San Antonio, what made you get into comedy? I started stand-up on a dare. What year? It's been 11 and a half years now, so it's probably like 2002 or 2003. And I'd been out here in Los Angeles for a couple years as an actor.

I moved out here to be an actor because I'd studied theater and film and college. And I even studied theater in Paris for a little while at the Sorbonne. and the Comedy de Art. The comedy del arts. Lee Diane was the director of the Mosei Salat. Morsi Salat. The Jewish section is the Jewish division. Yeah, so I moved to you.

And I was like DJing weddings and bar mitzviz and stuff. And my friend poetry, who I was always DJing with, was like, Sarah, you're so funny. You have to do stand-up. And I was like, I don't even know what that means. Like, I had only seen it once because when I was in college, I ran this, I was on the student radio station at our school. It was like the largest college radio station in the country in Atlanta. It's like album 88. It's a huge radio station still in

Atlanta. And we used to interview the comics that came through the punchline. And the very first comic that ever gave me tickets was Mitch Hedberg. And that was the only comic I'd ever even seen. So that was the only thing I'd even known about stand-up. And then I was watching the news one night after he told me that and he wouldn't shut up about it and this guy like shot himself in the head with a nail gun on the news and like but he worked the whole day and everybody was freaking out

and I wrote this joke that was like well I wouldn't be able to fill three and a half inches if I got nailed so that's the big deal and that was my first joke and then I just never looked back where's the first time you got on stage it was it was least little it was called the hot wired cafe

it was on Laurel Canyon and Riverside now it's something else right oh Oh my God. Yeah. I went up there one night. You did? Yeah. Across the bar?

Yeah. I think so. Yeah. I don't remember what was across the street. Rural Canyon? It's not there anymore. No, it's something else now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, near that Gelson, like, just down the road from that. That's amazing that you, 10 and a half years. What are you, 10 and a half years? 11 and a half years. What do you feel right now at 11.5 years? What do I feel? About comedy yourself? What do you feel?

I feel like for the first eight years that I did. did stand-up, I just told jokes. I felt like I was a joke teller. And then when I went through a big breakup and I started going to therapy and really figuring out who I was and what I wanted, I really figured out what I wanted to talk about. So I think now I'm in a place where I'm talking about things that I care about and that mean a lot to me. And I feel like now I have a voice in comedy. It's not like I just know my voice, but now I have a, like I feel like, I feel like, comedy is the last form of free speech in America and that I have an obligation to say something that I think is important and my what I try to do on stage every night is

help men get laid more because I feel like men are just sometimes it just don't I don't think women say what they want enough you know I think you have you have both ends of the spectrum you have women who won't shut up and then you have women who who men want to be with but aren't confident enough to say like this is what I need and this is what I want and this is why I think a lot of divorce happens because women feel obligated to like pretend to be something that they're not in a relationship. So because we feel like, well, if I tell him what I really think about him or that I don't like his farts or that I don't like the fact that he does this and he's going to leave me

because why would he want to be with somebody that's bitchy or complaining? You know, we get that reputation a lot. So I try to be the bitchy and complaining one so that women don't have to. the guys will dismarry the girl that they're with. She's fucking hooking people up without them even knowing it. I try. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm constantly trying to be like, I don't know.

I feel like there's always this perception that like if you say, if you, if I'm on stage saying like I don't like it when men do this, that somehow I hate men. It's like, no, no, if I hated you, I wouldn't tell you how to get better. Like this is what I'm just saying. I'm just saying like, hey, if you want to be with a woman, you should probably not have a roommate at 35, you know, you'd probably clean out your car if you want to pick a girl up on a date and, like, say, like, hey, guess what? My life's not a mess, like my car. You know, everything is a perception. And so I'm just, I don't know, I'm just trying to, like, help guys understand, like,

how they can raise their level of, because I feel like men are commodities and women are commodities too. And, like, you just both have to raise your game a little bit. You really do. You listen to this shit. Yes. I'm a sucker. It's kind of crazy because I think, I mean, I think Joey would agree with them. I don't know about most guys, but the thing I hated about dating was

girls never saying what they wanted and then finding out later. Right. And I mean, I know, I mean, Terry doesn't... But it happens to guys too. And women happens to women too. Yeah, well... We don't tell you until later.

Yeah, that's true. You have a fucking problem. Right. And then you have a problem in the relationship and it happens a lot with comics. Yeah. It's going to keep happening with comics unless you,

you know, put your foot down. down from the beginning, but we're falling love. We're looking for somebody. I mean, nobody wants to die alone. So it's weird that, you know, when I moved here, I moved here with a girl. And one thing I fucking hated was whenever I did comedy, she would come. Right.

And she thought that it was her party time. Wow. Can I get a drink? You know, my friend wants to come. I'm like, God damn it. Sometimes you just want to go to the store and zip in and the fuck out of there. But now with this brought, I have to drink and talk to people. And when we broke up, it was the biggest fucking relief for me

Because now Terry, my wife, does not even think of coming to comedy Yeah You know, she did it in the beginning like once or twice And she just didn't like it, I didn't like it And I don't have to deal with that no more, you know? And you live, but it's fucked up to break up with somebody When you're here in L.A. And you're a part of them

The things that we put up with. But I've always been very vocal in a relationship because I know it comes back to haunt you later on. Yeah. If you're not honest, it's like, I'm back to fucking haunt you. Just tell them. Yeah.

I mean, I don't think I always was. It took me a long time to realize that that was okay, you know, because I think, well, you have to learn to be vocal the right way, I think, and you have to learn to be honest in the right way. You can't just be like, you know, you're acting like, you know, I think we get labeled as crazy or emotional, you know, and I'm like, yeah, I'm emotional.

I have a uterus. Like, I'm going to be crying more than you. It would be weird if I wasn't. I'm emotional. I don't have a year. I'm going to cry when I read an old note. Like, that's just who I am. Like, if you don't want to be with someone who cries, then you should date a dude.

But I'm going to cry if I read an old note from my grandma. Like, that's just who I am. So, like, it's just, you know, it's really important to be like, no, we're different. And that's good. And, like, Segura was, like, asking me, he's like, how can I get Christina? Because, you know, I'm a huge sports fan. And she's like, he's like, how can I get Christina to like football? And I was like, why do you want?

want her to. Like, why don't you just have your own thing? Why do you have to bring her into your thing? Like, unless you guys just aren't hanging out together, then you guys need to make some sort of decision as to like, well, if this, if we only have Sundays together and all I want to do is watch football, then now you have to make some sort of concession. But I like having my thing and I like guys having their thing. And, you know, but I didn't realize that about myself. I don't think I, I don't think that's who I thought I was five years ago. Five years ago, I would want to spend all the time I could because I was with a man that didn't want to spend any time with me. But now that I don't need somebody to spend all that time with me, it's very refreshing.

And it's good to learn more about yourself. I think it's really important for people to be alone, especially in the country that we live in now where we're surrounded by technology and we have everything at our fingertips. It's really good to just take quiet time and moments and really reflect and think about who you are and what you really want. You know, when I'm upset, I'm like, what am I really? mad at right now. I'm not mad at him for coming home late. I'm mad at him because I thought he was coming home earlier, even though we didn't discuss it. So I'm really mad at myself for expecting

something of him that he never had an obligation to do. So that's what, I mean, I just try to rethink things now. I think things differently. It's funny how I talk about it a lot that when I go to the YMCA or I go to Jiu-Jitsu, I don't take a phone with me. Right. I just don't take it, and it seems like people look at me, when I go to a gym and I'm on the bicycle when I see somebody looking at their phone, I feel

so bad, because I try to give myself that one hour. If something bad happens to my daughter and my wife in that one hour, fucking shame on me, but everybody's okay. They're at school, wherever the fuck they are. And I believe in that one hour for yourself. I can't be

surrounded. I can't be, you know, somebody reached out two days ago to me about starting a business in Denver and doing this. I'm like, listen, I'm 51. I have a wife. I do two podcasts a week. I'm trying to write a fucking book. I'm trying to write fucking material for a special. I go on the road every fucking Thursday.

You know, what else do you want me to fucking do? It's a law diminishing return. Only an idiot right now would try to get involved in something. And then when you're 55, you end up having a fucking heart attack because it's just too much. Right. It's just too much. And I know that at this age, you need that one hour here, that one hour there, that 30 minutes here. It's so important.

And there's nights. All right, so I'm at the house now. The new schedule is by seven, she's bathed, the whole thing. She pops out about 7.15. She's a ball of fucking fire. We throw in a bubble guppies, and then we throw in some right cool YouTube shit. It's like letters, you know, A is for Apple, ah, Apple. B is for ball.

Ball, ball, ball, that shit. And she takes the book and she points in it. So usually by 10 to 8, she goes in. First time she pops in her fucking bedroom, I pop into my office. That's it. My day is over. It's time to go to fucking work. If I don't have a set now, that shit.

Mommy, Daddy, that shit's over. This time, it's quarter after nine. I go, what the fuck is my wife doing? Right. Holy shit. I'll stop what I'm doing going. There's my wife. Unwinding also.

Thankful that I sat my ass in the fucking room. Right. Not on top of her. She's got the Kindle in one hand. She's got House of Cards in the fucking remote, you know. And I could see where the appreciation is. She's not mad at me. She's like, this is a great relationship we have.

You're in your room. I'm in my room. No. She knows I'm in, I ain't fucking around. I ain't got time to be fucking around on there. I'm in there fucking trying to put a joke together or a podcast or something. And it's so weird how we appreciate each other's time. That's the truth.

No, that's very fucking, Lee does it too. Lee doesn't see her for two fucking weeks. I'm in the best relationship in my life. She's in law school. And she's in law school. So I see her usually when she's not during finals, it's Friday through Sunday. But she just did finals, so I didn't see her for like a month.

Right. And it's missing each other is so important in a relationship. It's very important to miss each other. But also to take a, to be respectful of the time that you do have together. And it's just as, you know, it's the same as respecting each other when you're away. The time that you do have together, you have to have your own. moments, but then, you know, like, okay, we only have this day together, so let's make sure we're doing something that we both care about and taking time. But no, yeah. I mean, I, I, I, I,

I, like, I don't even have anybody in my life, but I, I have to really unwind and shut down. Like, I don't exercise with music or anything like that, because I just need to get in my head and think about things and not be on a computer, not be around technology. Like, that's how I take care of myself and treat myself. You're traveling a lot, though. I travel. I'm traveling. I'm traveling. I haven't been really been working that much, but I have a lot coming up, yeah. I'm going to Tulsa. I'm doing the Edinburgh Comedy Festival in Scotland. How's you getting to that?

A friend of mine, her name's Camilla. Her dad is John Cleese from Monty Python. And he, so we were putting, she and I were putting together like some shows in London. And then this lady that, one of the ladies that we approached was like, I have a theater. in Edinburgh and she just gave it to us as opposed to us having to rent it out, which is so nice. So yeah, so we're going there for a week in August. Good for you. Yeah, called American Invasion, I think, something, I don't know, something weird.

But yeah, it'll be really, it'll be a lot of fun. Are you still writing? Yes, yeah, I've been writing. Well, lately I've not been writing on a TV show. A TV show, I mean, no, not right now. I think we might be writing some more roast, type stuff for Jeff Ross coming up, but I'm not, that hasn't been okayed yet. But right now I'm just pitching shows that I've written and I sold a web series to E,

so I'm finished writing that. Now we just have to shoot it. And then, yeah, the rest of it's just been auditioning. And then I wrote a treatment for a couple of movies that I want to write. And then I'm writing a new TV show about the comedy store. I'll fuck around with it. Yeah. Yeah.

I try to stay as busy as possible. Even when I, like, right now when I'm not working, it's like no excuses. Like, I just need to work on all these projects that I never finished. What's your typical day like? I usually get up and my dog wakes me up early so I walk him. And then I try to write tweet type jokes in the morning just about the news. And then I'll start working on other projects until, you know, like noon or one. Or I'll go exercise at some point in the morning after I feel like I'm blanked out.

on everything and then I'll come back and try to finish like right now I'm writing a book about the military guy that um ruin my not ruin my life but he really fucked me over so um so I'm writing a sample chapter of that that I have to turn in have you heard from G. I Joe no no no I mean the last thing I told him was um you know I hope you can change I hope you've learned a lot I hope you can change but if I were you I would start with your fucking name because I own it like if you Google him, you get me. Did that all start from Ari's podcast? Yeah.

That's so crazy. Yeah. So now I think he changed his name. No. I think he changed his name. Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.

But I think I mean, I still get women contacting me. I mean, we're up to like nine different fiancés and seven illegitimate kids. Oh, shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I really, uh, I fucked his life up, which I love, which is great. What do you think happened there, Sarah?

What do I think happened? How did this happen? To me or just to him or why? You know, I have a daughter. I have, listen, man, I have 10 different women I talk to every night. Women I grew up with, you know, I have a, like, she's like a sister to me. She's having problems with her husband. I have another friend of mine who I grew up with.

I'm tight with her brother. She called me a few months ago, and she goes, you know, me and my husband had done. I was like, wow. You guys have been together since fucking grandparents. I'm at school, you know, and cheated on her. It's just amazing. Like, right now, like, I'm not goofing on you. Seriously.

It's just weird. I was told him a friend of mine the other than, and, you know, we're both the same age. Where's that young girl that we're supposed to be hidden on? Why don't I feel like stopping by the fucking Lexus store and buying the fastest car they have? For me, it's completely different. Like, I don't even want to fucking be out of the goddamn house.

Like, I do my comedy. I do my podcast with Lee I see some friends and that's it I'm pretty content with that what happened to the midlife crisis that most guys are supposed to get and lose their fucking minds and you want to eat pussy and leave

your wife that all comes from like the honesty and the relationship like when you're content and you don't feel like you're having to hide anything or to say like you don't feel a need to go out and buy a car which is an escape right you don't feel a need to escape your house

I think a lot of relationships people feel a need to escape and get out and they're trying to, you know, they feel like there's so much more going on that they're missing. And that's because they're not fulfilled in what they're doing. And I think that all stems from being honest with one another. I think it's easy to be like, yeah, everything's great. No, I love you. Yeah, you love me. Great.

Okay. And, you know, and meanwhile, like someone's stewing about something that's really bothering them, but they don't feel like they can really say it or they don't want to talk about it. And, you know, and that's where all problems based from. Just a lack of honesty. And that's why when this thing happened to me, it came out of nowhere because I'm so honest,

I can't tell when someone's lying because why. There was no signs. He was running game. There was no signs that maybe. There was no. No, I didn't think that he was like running. I had no clue about that. There were signs that there was a couple of red flags that I definitely ignored,

which was him saying whenever he said he was going to do something and then he wouldn't do it. That was like, and I would address it when that happened. And then he would give me some sort of excuse and make, you know, in a very manipulative way, you know, like make me feel like almost guilty for asking, you know, because he's so busy with this special forces that he's in serving our country. And that really tugs at my heartstring, you know, like since I'm such a huge military fan in person, like that was. And then, you know, ultimately I was like, no, this isn't right.

Like I had been manipulated before when I first moved out here by like, I had like a very verbally abusive relationship that I was in. And ultimately, like, it was very manipulative where he would, you know, I would be upset with him. And then in the end, I was apologizing for bringing it. up, you know. So when I first even said something to the military guy, he was like, when I caught him, he was like, well, I didn't know that you really loved me, that you cared about me. And I was like, uh-uh-uh, that's, I know what that is. That's manipulation. I loved you plenty. You are just an

asshole. Like, this isn't my fault for not loving you enough or knowing, telling you that I loved you, you know, like, you knew. And you messed up and you're an idiot. I didn't know about all these other women until after I'd done the podcast with Ari. I just knew about the one wife and that his parents were alive. He told me his parents were dead. Wow. Yeah. So I found his mom on Facebook, and that's how it all started.

Yeah. And then I was like, wait, his mom's alive. And then at first I found his brother, which he said he didn't have any siblings. And then I was like, well, maybe they're not really brothers. And then I found his mom. And then I found his wife. And then I was like, all right. I couldn't imagine.

trying to sleep with somebody and having to say that much shit to sleep with them. I couldn't even imagine. Luckily, I hadn't slept with him, so I was really lucky. Are you serious? I never slept with him. Yeah, I just met him on the base, and he was moving here, and we were going to get married. We had talked about it every day.

So I'm really lucky because he had relations. I mean, I found out, like, a few months ago that, well, this was probably, yeah, like that he had a girl was pregnant with a baby and that she was currently pregnant. And he, so this was last December and that she had gotten pregnant like the month that I met him. Like literally after I met him and she was on his base and she was stationed there. And then like even while he was like he had just met me, he was still fucking around on the base. Because he wasn't in the special forces. He was a contractor.

This last guy you were dating, you had problems with too. Yeah. I check up on you all the time by Red Band. Yeah, the last guy. I was born in Saratiana's world and he'll tell him. He'll fucking Saratiana's world. He'll fucking together. Yeah, this last guy I walked in on him having sex with someone else.

Jesus Christ! I know, yeah. Where'd you meet this guy? I met him. He had a podcast and he also worked in comedy. He works at Josh, which is like a, like it's like owned a, think by like Sarah Silverman and some other famous comics and they're like an online video you know resourcing like their own YouTube and so I you know I've met him through that that whole

realm and then he owned a couple art galleries here and yeah I just like we just started talking and hanging out and yeah you went to his house yeah I mean I had keys to his place I mean we were that far along. You know, and like that was a, you know, again, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored, and I was not in a position that I should have, I shouldn't have been dating anybody because I had just gone through a breakup and so had he. And like that's, and I didn't take the time to like really heal. I just jumped into something else to help me heal and so did he.

So it wasn't a healthy start. So I'm not saying that like, I'm not saying I deserved it. I'm just saying that I should not have been in a position and he shouldn't have been in that position either. But he's still a fucking asshole for letting me walk in. Like I literally walked in and the alarm went off and I turned the alarm off and he's like,

hello? And I was like, don't worry, it's just me, you know? And I had a feeling when I was walking up because he was dodging my calls. Like, not dodging them, but just like, I don't feel good. I'm going to go to bed. And I was like, well, he doesn't feel good.

And I called him. And I was like, well, I'll just go give him a kiss good night. He doesn't feel good. you know and drop you know and then yeah and then he's like what are you doing here you're not supposed to be here and I was like oh this is my fault okay but I think I think a woman's intuition told me that something was going on and that's why I went there I didn't I don't normally go to people's houses unannounced that was very unlike me but I think I knew something was going on

and I just decided to address it right away and I always told you women no they just give you rope to hang yourself. I always say. They just give you the rope to hang yourself with. You know. So I haven't dated anybody since then. Good. It's really weird, you know, when I was younger,

I had that baby girl. Jackie was her name with my first wife. And I had her physically until she was about six or seven. And then I would visit her until she was about 12. And then that's when the problem started. our communication, but I had a dream. You know, I had a dream to put together a superwoman. Okay.

I wanted to put together a daughter that, you know, I mean, my mom was a fucking savage. You know, my mom was a fucking savage. I think my mom had, like, three. My mom had a boyfriend early on, and she moved to the stage, and she hooked up with my dad. Then when my dad died, she lived with another guy. She married him. and I remember one night

she asked him for a cigarette and he went to flick the cigarette at her he flicked it at her and she didn't fucking like it no it wasn't lit like he just went like this and she didn't

fucking like it and she hit him in the head when he was sleeping with a fucking statue of a fucking saint just because so you know I knew stories

I had heard different stories I think she was embarrassed to tell me but when she was 16 she stabbed the guy for raping her younger sister so that's why my mother had an alias when she went into the states they got her out of Cuba and then she went back and used that alias and the alias stayed this is when you just went to Miami

and got into Cuba you know wow so for me I come from a bloodline with the fucking women of savages you know at least I want a daughter who I just don't want her to be impressed by these fucking jerkoffs early on. You see these girls and you see these jerkoffs talking to him. You really want to say something. You really want to

go, are you fucking kidding me, girl? Look what the fuck you're talking to? But he's got a little, Sinatra hat on and a tattoo. You could tell, you could smell. This guy's a fucking malice to society. Fedoras. Yeah, a fucking fedora. You know, when I see a young guy with a fedora and he's not in a band, even if he's in a fucking band, we got a problem.

Unless you're Sinatra, you shouldn't have a fucking fedora on. You're fucking jerk off. Yeah. And you just want to create the super woman. You know, you want your daughter to be this woman that that's not, this is not going to happen to. Right. You don't want. What do you tell them? What the fuck do you tell your daughter? There's no, you know, there's no right or wrong thing to tell them. To be honest, it's like, you know, to me, it's just like, call me, there's no right or wrong way to do it. It's just

that you just have to teach them everything that you know and set them out there and hope that they make the right decisions. And, you know, you have to, for me, like I had to go through all of these things to really figure out a lot about myself. And with the military guy, that's not something that I think, but I was aware of the, I did notice the red flags because I learned from every relationship that I got. And if I hadn't have had the intuition to be like, there's something weird. I'm just going to Google him. I'm going to find out more because knowledge is power when you're seeing somebody and I don't want to be. And, you know, and it had only been a couple months.

I mean, these women that I had, that contacted me after the podcast, have been with him for years. And I, if I had not have done that podcast with the power that I have, these women would still be in the dark. So in my mind, I don't look at it as something that happened to me. I look at it as, wow, I just helped save the lives of like nine women. I just, you know, with through pain, you know, but they're done with him now. And now he has a horrible rep. And hopefully he won't be doing this constantly. and when they go to look him up in the future,

they'll see me and they'll realize that he's an idiot. And so I think, you know, through all of this, I've really learned a lot and, like, definitely has been painful. But, I mean, I'm a comedian, so I have the benefit of telling these stories on a public forum so that more people can figure it out. And when I did Ari's podcast, I mean, that was the craziest thing, was the amount of letters and fan mail that I got from that was, that's why I'm writing the book.

because the letters were so eye-opening for me. Like, there were men that contacted me, like, I've been doing this to a woman for two years. I've been pretending to be somebody else for two years. But until I heard you upset about it, I didn't realize it didn't connect with me how it could really hurt somebody. So not only do I feel like I stopped it from happening to tons of women,

I stopped men from doing it to a lot of women. And I stopped women from doing it to men. There was a lot of the same thing, like women being like, oh, my God, I've been doing this for. for a while. I feel so bad now. So I think it's like, it's good. It's like I feel like sometimes I'm kind of a guinea pig to help other people's relationships get better.

But at the same time, like, I think I'm going to find, when I finally do find the relationship that I'm supposed to be in, I think it will be some sort of meta thing that will be just a perfect, you know, compilation. But it's going to take me a little bit longer because, you know, my parents have been married for 40 years. so it's not like they gave me relationship advice. You know, they didn't really give me advice. You know, it was just like, well, watch us.

And I just, for me, I've always just been that person that's never satisfied. There's always, like, lots of things that I want to do. And so I didn't really do the work on, like, studying what I wanted as a person. And as relationships go early on, what I cared about was traveling and seeing the world. And, like, so not until, like, five, six years ago, do I even care about, like, the same. Man, it's not big for some women. It's not big for some guys. Yeah, I know, yeah.

It's not big for some guys. And all of a sudden, you get hit with a woman, she's hot. You know, you're in a bad position. I just didn't see, I never could see the whole lying thing, like saying something that you're not and getting caught. Right. Seems like a lot of work. Yeah, it seems like too much fucking work.

I know. Just to be honest with somebody. This is what I do. You know, you're beautiful. I just want to fuck you once a week. eat sushi and I want to play with my computer that's it

I think a lot of women go you know what this guy's an asshole but I kind of like him because at least he's fucking honest okay so you want me to just come over Thursday Thursday we'll sharpen the pencil

we'll eat some sushi or what's he inside Miami you can sleep over you can leave whatever fuck you want but after that I just can't you know I can't have your it's something just something guy's trying to be something else

I never fucking understood do you have time or you got a booge no I have time I just have to leave I like eight. Oh, beautiful. All right, we got another 30-something minutes of my girl here. No, it's fucking tough.

I just want to build the superwoman. When you're a dad, I think, you know, I think about my mom, what she tried to do with me. I was talking to my wife about about a month ago. She says that my wife, my mom kind of knew in a way she was going to die, so she prepared me. She gave me all this stuff to be cool with women. Like she did, she gave me a lot of tools for women,

like as I was growing up, how to talk to them, always compliment them. always open up a door, you know, tell them what's on your mind. You know, just look, and I saw it from her balls, from the balls she had. I was like, oh, I dig this woman. Like, I'm a fan of women, you know what I'm saying? I'm a fan of, the other night that was watching something. The other than I tried to watch the eyewitness news at 11 o'clock. You know, and you're home, and you're like, let me watch the news.

Maybe the 405 is shut. Maybe it blew up, you know? And it was like the first eight minutes was garbage, but it was the night that the chick was kidnapped for 15 years. the guy in the valley. Oh, yeah, yeah. That fucking story. Yeah.

How do I prevent that from happening to my fucking daughter that she has that fear to go to the supermarket, you know, not to tell the supermarket clerk. This fucking Mexicans got me with a bowling chain, you know, what the fuck fear do you live with? I mean, what? Yeah, I mean, I think, honestly, like, the greatest thing to encourage with your kids is asking questions. I think growing up my parents always entertained all of my questions.

It wasn't like, stop, you ask too many questions. I mean, it got me kicked out of church twice when I was growing up. My parents still didn't get mad, you know? Because I was like, wait, Eve came from Adam's, which rib? How did that come out? Why did it, you know, you asked, and I'd never been to church, you know. But anyways, I think, I think being naturally, like, even like against, the system, you know, like at school, well, why can't we chew gum in class? What is it doing? What's the

harm? Why is it doing? You know, just asking questions in society, like when somebody says, no, this is the way it's always been. Well, why does it have to be like this? I think, I think that's what you, you don't want, you don't want your daughter to be in the cattle. You don't want it to just be like, okay, I'm just going with the flow, you know. I'm just going to be hurted like everybody else and not ask questions about government or why a man's treating me this way. Like it's those questions in our head that make us comedians, right? We're constantly like looking at things.

We're naturally observers and we question why things are the way that they are. You know, I always say that I get paid to notice things that most people don't notice. Oh, we notice them, but we don't really notice them. We notice them when you drive right past. Right. Yeah. And then when you mention it, we go, yeah, there is. There is a port to be in place.

Cross the street and fucking floor our offices right there on Lancash. Yeah. No, no, no. I think actually encouraging people to be inquisitive and question why things have to be the way that they are. That's where you get women who are really strong, you know. You're never going to have both sides. You're not going to get a girl that's like, you know, you're still going to get somebody like me who's, like, strong and ask questions. And it's like, you're not going to push me over.

and then I can still get duped into falling for the wrong guy. Like, that's just, you know, it's all just a big pinball game. We all just, like, hitting a bunch of things until hopefully we score the right amount of points. I don't know. It's weird. We were talking before the show about that hashtag thing. Yes, all women. All yes, all women.

And, like, I've had this conversation with women before. Like, I've never done anything. Like, I've never attacked women. And no one I surround myself with would ever do that. So when I read some of them, like, always being nervous on the street or always having to put keys in your fingers, like, my first thought is not that they're being overdramatic, but, like, is it really that bad? Because, like, no, I've never been around anyone who's attacked a woman. I guess for me, like, you never think it's going to be that bad, but is it, like, that bad that you, like, do girls always have to be on the alert? I think, I think some women naturally have more fear.

than others and sometimes that fear can come from having been hurt in the past so now you're hyper aware or you're just like really really worried even though nothing's ever happened to you just get twirled all these horror stories like don't put your hair in a ponytail so they'll grab your ponytail and rip you down you know like I can remember you know like always look under your car before you walk up to it because sometimes men hide under your car and then they'll slash your Achilles and then you fall and you can't escape you know like you get like You get, like, plagued with fear, and then you are consumed by it. Whereas I feel like I'm never really afraid of anything.

And, but that's, but that's just me, you know, because it's like I don't have guns in my house. My sister and her brother, my brother-in-law, like, have, like, guns in their house. Like, no one's ever robbed. I've been robbed before. I don't have guns in my house. You know what I mean? Like, and I think about, you know, if somebody attacked me, what would I do? like, well, I would

you know, I would probably say like, well, why do you need this money or I would you know, you're supposed to like make yourself like, you're like, I mean, I would yeah, if somebody had a gun on me, I'd be like. Yeah, I'm happy to give you money, but you have to tell me why you want the money. Are you fucking crazy? I got shit cracking time.

Yeah, okay, great. I'm going to the fucking bar. If you have shit cracking, then I'm not giving you money. You're going to have to pull that to them. I got some freaks and shit. You have to pull the trigger. Got some freezing the living room where they're getting it on? Wrong answer. Let me ask you something, Sarah.

11 years of comedy. I've been dying to have a female comic, and I hate to even say that word, just a strong comic in the room. Every six months, some fucking asshole raises his hands. And says something about women comedy. And I sit there, and I fucking, just nod, because I know that the people who say that type of shit,

I don't know where they're coming from. I don't know if there are people who are scared of women. I'm scared of women on stage, okay? Because I'm a fucking professional. And years ago, I went to La Jolla. I was in La Jolla for a first show, something. Oh, 10, 12 years ago, there was a couple of comedy rooms in San Diego. So they usually started at 8.

So when you finish, you went to the second show at La Jolla and young out with the comic. I don't forget going there for the second show. and it was Beaumont Bacon was featuring. You never got to see Beaumont Bacon. Whether she's funny or whatever, it's your taste. But she has a lot of energy. She has a lot of high energy.

Now when I'm fucking Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday, it's nothing if I can worry about it, even a Friday. But a Saturday, when it's date night, it's tons to worry about because now a woman that has a fucking spokesman. Yeah. You know, you go to a comedy show on a Friday and Saturday night. Three fucking guys, or the first chick is kind of up there and whatever. But you got a girl like Sarah or fucking somebody who's got a voice or something to say,

you might have a hard night as a strong comic. Why? Because it's just the way it is. This woman might come out and get the women so riled up that now, whoever comes in between, it better come out offstage the right way. Or he's going to lose him because the women just have a voice now. It's a very fucking weird psyche comedy game

that you get to see every once in a while. And I walked in there, and I saw Beaumont, and something hit me the wrong way. And I went to eat. Remember across the street from Hawaii? Is a Chinese place? Is it still there? Chinese sushi?

Chinese sushi. Tremendous place. Pork fried rice. You get a couple pieces of albacore. And I took the headliner over. And I remember him cocky and, like, saying, you know, fucking this and that. I can't believe.

They call headline Beaumont with me. So, because that's what. She closed the first show. Oh, she closed. That's what it was. She closed her first. When I walked in, I'm catching this going, ooh, I would hate to have to fucking do 45 behind this lunatic tonight.

And I heard this guy saying, I don't, I'm not scared of. Nobody. I'll follow anybody in the world. And I sat. I had to sit and wait the fucking hour to watch the demolition. And showing up she fucking demolished him. And I waited to see him come off stage. And him going, ooh, it was a rough night.

He went up there cocky, cursed a couple times up front. Said something negative. I saw Nick DePaulo died behind Beaumont Bacon at the Comedy Store one night. Last time Nick DePaulo ever walked into the Comedy Store in front of Mitty Shore, I saw Beaumont Bacon light them up on a Saturday night. It's amazing. Unless you know the power of women only an idiot would make that statement. Are you saying, do I feel like male comics say that?

No, no. Every six months, some motherfucker could be male or female, who raises their fucking hand and sticks their foot in their fucking mouth. Because it goes, that's the worst statement you can fucking make. You know what I'm saying? You know why it's the worst statement you can make you dumb motherfucker? Because any time of the fucking day in this country, in America, you could turn the TV on. And somewhere, somewhere, there's an I Love Lucy episode fucking somewhere, okay?

I don't know if you've seen the name of that fucking show. It's I Love Lucy. There's nothing else about Ricky or the fucking retarded kid or epithel merts and none of those fucking the fact ball dude. It's fucking Lucy. Now, we all grew up on Lucy at some point of our fucking lives and laughed. You Lee? You, Sarah, Kempso.

Just for you to make that fucking statement right there. Not to mention what, you know, I'm talking, you know, comedy has evolved a handful. I grew up on Roseanne. Roseanne. I learned everything about. I love everything about Roseanne Wilson. I'm a Denver guy. So I heard her story.

I was the same age as Becky on her show. So everything Becky went through, I went through at the same time. At the same time. See? Every fucking six months Some dumb motherfucker Whether it's Jerry Lewis It's just some dumb motherfucker

Says something How do you feel? What are you? Well I always feel like I don't necessarily find A lot of women funny either But statistically in my mind There are way more unfunny men out there

And I find way less I don't find a lot of people funny I guess is what I'm trying to say And so like And I don't feel like I ever have I definitely have a tough time at shows, you know, because people will be like, oh, it's the girl we should make her go first or whatever. And I'm like, all right, well, good luck.

Because there's, you know, five, six comics that have to come after me. But I know I can set the tone, and I always am clear to say, like, I'm just here to make a counterpoint. And I think that, like you're saying, like, it is tough for men to follow sometimes because women get riled up. They haven't heard anything. Riled up, Jack. They haven't heard anything. There's nothing in that corner. They haven't heard anything.

They've heard about how much they talk. They heard about how annoying they are. You want to suck their dick. And now they get a woman to speak for them and somebody who hits a vein. I'm not saying all women are going to do that. But a woman's going to come out and hit a vein. Listen, man, I'm a fucking comic and I'm a piece of shit. And I've done a lot of weird things.

I've got to tell you something. I watch at least I give every comic a benefit of the doubt. But I give women even more benefit of doubt because a lot of women have made me fucking laugh. Yeah. The biggest, you know, my mom was like, yeah, fuck it. So I understand the comedy of a woman. It's a different quality of comedy.

It's a different healing. Unless she goes off the fucking cuff and just says something outrageous, like Felicia Michaels about her work foot that she's got, she got ran over by one foot when she was a kid. So she doesn't put that foot out when she's fucking. She puts the other foot out. So it's a cute foot. You know, just shit like that, that, you know,

I think some women have funny fucking shit. And I laugh at. So whenever somebody makes a statement, I think of the girls coming up. You know, I think if they take it personally, I wouldn't take it fucking personally. I look at the guy and go, you know what? What the fuck of...

Yeah. Do you think they get, like, judged more just because, like, if you go to, like, a comedy club in L.A., it's like 10 or 15 comics, and maybe there's one or two, so it's just, it's kind of shocking to see... It's, like, more noticeable that there's girls. Like, do you think they're just judged

because it's, like, there's not as many, and... Well, see, like, for me, I always feel like... I always, like, to me, there's always a weight on my shoulders when I go up, because I'm usually going to be the only woman that anybody sees that night. So I'm representing all female comics to all of the people in the crowd. So if I do bad, they're like, yep, women are terrible comics. You know, if I do good, they're like, huh, I never think women are funny,

but you're pretty good. And that's usually, it's like, there's never really any way to win. But I just always just think, yeah, I mean, I don't, I don't feel like I have an obligation to be, you know, funny. year than I can possibly be. I'm just going to go up there and work just as hard as I would any other night. And yeah, I mean, there are a lot of people who aren't funny. But at the same time, I don't really like it when women complain about it because I feel like

it really, like, it's hot, like, it's an advantage if you use it the right way. Like, I believe that, like, being a female comic is an advantage when you're good at it. Like, I'm always the first person people call. And that's because I work my ass off and I do a really good job. And if you worked your ass off and you did a really good job, maybe people would be calling you first, you know? So, no, don't sit there and complain to me

that it's just like hard and people treated you like, treat you like shit. They treated me like shit forever too. But it's the same way at the comedy store. Like I used to do what Chelsea did all the time. I would watch her and she would just come and be funny and leave. No, leave. Come, you be funny, and then you leave. And eventually they'll ask you to stay.

Now I can't get them to let me leave. It's really weird that you're with guys 92% of the time. You're around guys that are disgusting and vile and say shit, and your skin is tough. And I got to tell you something, 20 years ago, if I would have met you 30 years ago, I would have hit on you all the time. You're like my dream cake. Aw. The hair, the Irish, the freckles, the body, the smile, everything.

I mean, you're a... But the thing I really admire about you, the thing like, why you're sitting here, is you've never sold your sexuality doors. Right. You've never hit him. You know, when I started doing comedy, I was dirty. That means I was selling you the lowest common denominator. I'm not proud of it, but that's what got me through the door.

Now I try to write more and explain my life. You see girls who are very pretty, and they sell you their sexuality, and you try to tell them that it's very hard to be comedy over the beauty. With you, you're dressed out. You're very beautiful naturally. You don't sell it. You know, you don't want to sell it. And that's why you're here.

I respect that quality of you That you could have done this a different route Yeah, I think it's because I want everybody to laugh I don't want just some, you know Like I saw that happen when I was coming up You know, first of all it's just not in my nature To try to be like sexual Because I'm just really kind of awkward about it

Even though I enjoy it But that's more of a private thing for me It's not something I like to talk about A lot but also like No, no, I'm not talking on stage I'm talking about Oh yeah, just like day to day, like walking in here.

You know, some women go on stage and they'll show you cleavage. Right. What they don't know is that the women are going to fucking hate you. Right. And the guys can't look past your tits. Yeah, that's it. Now the women, you go on stage

with that green fucking t-shirt on. Yeah. Now, first of all, I'm sizing you up as a man. We can get on stage or she's kind of cute. I'm looking at him. I'm like, that bitch is hiding some guns under there. You know what I'm saying? If I had a dog right now, that dog would die. So,

For some guys, that's a turnoff. For me, it's a turn-on. I like that. I want you to keep me thinking. Anybody could show me your tits. Keep me thinking with comedy. So, there's such a psychological when it's a woman comic. You're very intelligent.

I've been watching you for two years. And you as Red Man. Whenever I talk to Red Band, I run them through a list. How's Sarah doing? I was Tony Hinchclips doing. How's fucking the Black Girl doing? Tiffany. How'd the rap battle go?

Oh, the roast battle. I won. Did you? Yeah. Do you like Tiffany? It was a knockout. Sorry. You get one with Tiffany?

I do. I like her. Yeah, she's very nice. I've known Tiffany a long time. Yeah. Listen, man, I'm happy you got on time. I know you got to leave. I know you got to leave. I know you got to leave. I know you're going to. Sarah Tiana. Sarah with an H.

Tiana with the Tijuana. Any gigs are going to plug? That's important. Edinburgh. We got people that listen to this over there. Yeah, I'll be in Edinburgh in August. I'm in San Diego this weekend at the Mad House. And then I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma at the Comedy Festival there, July, June 6th through the 13th, I think.

What festival is that? Some new comedy festival there. Yeah, I don't know. They're doing it in Nashville, North Carolina. They're doing them everywhere. They're doing them everywhere. Yeah, they've really caught on. Saratiana, I love you.

I love that you're here. I love you too. I'm one of your biggest fans and stuff. I really appreciate that. This is a special Sunday, that edition, and shit. I still got to give some shout-outs and stuff. You want to walk down. I have Lee walk you down.

No, I just want to say thank you so much for having me. I love you more. I can't believe it took me this long to have you on. Like I said, I mess with you on Twitter, but when you mess with women on Twitter and other women, other people see you mess with me, hey, sexy. And I'm like, what the fuck we enjoy it on Saratiana? I don't think I could DM you. I think you broke that fucking option

and we don't follow each other something. It's so weird how sometimes you go to message somebody you're like, fuck! Now I've got to hit them in public in front of everybody. I don't really want to hit them in front of everybody. Let me get some shoutouts real quick here. Jay Horton, you bad motherfucker. Constantine Rain, Michael, Joaquin, Dan Pizzini,

Tommy Hita, Kirby McKenzie. I love you, cock suckers. Thank you for always being here. Also, to our sponsors. You're going to get this Monday morning, March, whatever the fuck. How you doing, Lee? I'm pretty high. How's that Cheebo, you're looking good, cocksucker.

What are you going to do, May 26? May 26. You're going to get this. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up, wash your little pussies. Get out there. Somebody out there's got your fucking lunch money, cock suck. I don't give a fuck if it's a memorial day.

Get out there. There's a soldier somewhere on fucking duty. So get out there. I don't want to hear about your crying. You never even went to the Boy Scouts, cock suck. I said, what do you care? What do you know about veterans and shit, bitch? On it!

for all your fucking health needs from jump ropes to kettlebells to supplements to alpha brain to shroom tech they can help you I read an article about everybody always got their opinion about everything I'm sick and tired something's good I'm breathing better

and some guy writes an article at the mushrooms they grow in your lungs and fucking creatures come out of your asshole I don't need this shit late night I'm drinking coffee anyway dollar shave club what the fuck a dollar six dollars What? The promo code for honor What fucking promo code?

The box. Go to the box. Listen, what you got to do is get your life together. Go to honor.com. See what they got to offer you. They got supplements. They got jump ropes.

They got weighted vest. They got quadricepsonset mushrooms. They got it all. Kettle bells. See what you want. Go to the supplements. If there's a supplement you want, go to the box.

Go to Joey Diaz. Go to the box and press in. Church. Church. C-H-U-C-H. Get 10% off. Get put on the list. And you're a fucking savage.

like Sarah Tiana playing with her hair over there. She's making my heartbeat. Number two, Dollar Shave Club. Again, I'm sick and tired of going over this with you fucking people. If you're not with Dollar Shave Club, you're missing the boat. Even my brother George says he spends $22 a month on raises. Even if you drop the $6 package, I'm saving you $16 a month. At the end of the year, I'm saving your douche.

You know what you can do with a douche? You can take Saratiana on a date to Benny Han and hang out with Mexicans hanging out of Japanese people. They're the real actors in this country, gentlemen. Not fucking Brad Pitt Nobody else Go to a Benihana You'll see a Mexican

Acting like a Jap That deserves an Academy Award Anyway, what the fuck Lee? Why are you giving me that other before? How many animals have you had? Don't worry about what I ate All right, just worry about what yourself Dollar Shave Club here

For all your shaving needs They also have a post shave now Yeah, yeah, so that They have the pre-save The thing for your face Like Cocoa Butter I think it's called like Dr Carvers Dmitter Tremendous

They don't fuck around They're making big a conversation accomplishments over there. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I don't know Sarah. Maybe you shave your monkey. You put that fucking aftershave on it. It smells like flowers. I don't fucking know women do no more. I don't know. Anyway, go to dollar shave club. What is it? Dr. Carver's magnanimous post shave. Oh right. Beautiful. Good. Yeah. You fucking did good at the spelling bee. All right. Dollar shave club. A dollar, six dollars and nine dollars. Go to joey dears. Press in the box. Church. Church. CH. U.R.C. Bam. And you get your fucking deal. A dollar a month, $6 a month, $9 a month for Razor sent right to your door. You don't got to wait online, you don't got to fuck with people. It's all low, but the shot. Hulu Plus, what I'm going to tell you?

Modern Family, The Daily Show, Scandal. You can see all your favorite shows. You can binge watch them on smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation, pretty much any fucking streaming device you got in the house. You understand me? You can watch it. You go to Hulu Plus right now. You're pressing one in the box.

Joey. Bam! What do you get? You get $7.99 a month, but before you even lift a rock, you get two weeks for free. Who gives you that type of action? When you go to a strip club, does the strip will let you sniff under the tip? No! She doesn't.

You have to give her a 10 spot to get the party started. The same thing happens everywhere else in this world, not with Uncle Joey. I'm going to let you get Hulu Plus two weeks for free. On the fucking arm. Then $7.99 a month after that. Watch all your shows. Remember, $799 get your shows anytime, anywhere. That's like a quarter of a fucking day.

Where are you going to get that action at? Escape Pod Tank. You're all fucked up. You had a bad week. Your wife left you. You want to soak in some fucking... What's the name of that? Sensor deprivation tank?

Sensory deprivation tank. You want to get your shit together. You want to get your head back. Go to EscapePod tank.com. They ain't fucking around no more. You understand? My man, Jeremy, is always manning the 1-800 number for all your questions. If you order to just a tank model,

get $150 off. You mentioned Joey D, the church, your mother's ass, whatever, you get fucking additional $250 off. Who gives you that type of love? Who? Who? Nobody, cocksuckers. On it. Dollar Shave Club, Hulu Puss, EscapePod Tank.com.

I love this company. Escape pod tank. They got industrial, commercial, tanks. They got whatever the fuck you need. You understand me? When you get, when you invite, Saratiano, we'll float together. God knows what can happen. She'll teach you out of Joe Cocksuckers. Anyway, We're back Wednesday morning at 6 a.m. Lisa, you're sitting there like a fucking moot.

Yeah. Get it together. Sarah Tiana taught you some stories. I want you to go home. We have the live podcast, too. And we got the live podcast Wednesday night. If I don't work. I'm shooting that movie and I'm shooting a TV show. I don't know my schedule until tomorrow. I don't even know about San Diego.

I've got to call the girl tonight and let her know. Look at Sarah Tiana throwing heat with those tight little pants on. She's making my fucking heartbeat, motherfucker. Anyway, we love you. This February, Wednesday night, Ice House, if I don't have to shoot the movie, Saturday night, San Diego, and then 6-5 and 6-6. I'm with my man, Duncan Truffso at Wise Guys in Utah, and then the following week, I'm at Governors Bishes, June 10th through the 14th, June 12th to the 14th,

I'm at Governors in Long Island. Besides that, I don't know what to tell you. Have a great holiday with your families. Have a great holiday. Light a candle for the veterans that fucking smoke dope. and did shit before you did you ain't the first motherfucker i got a knife cocksucker stay black now that the show's over don't forget to sign up for free trial of hulu plus hulu plus has you binge on thousands of fit shows anytime anywhere on your tv pc smartphone or tablet

support this podcast and get an extended free trial of hulu plus when you go to huluplus.com or go to joeydus.com or go to joeydiaz.com and click on the hulu plus banner don't forget to sign up for dollar shave club.com get high quality raises sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay retail. Now go to dollar shape club.com forward slash church or just go to joey deez.net and click on the dollar shape club banner

and go to escapodtank.com. Yeah. Escape podtank.com and get all your sensory deprivation tank needs and mention joebidiya's and get $250. The nice one I have from Cox Suck. Oh, I have, uh, I want to be around since we've been played on a Monday. Pick up the pieces.

When somebody breaks. your heart son somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do with me

will leave you to learn that misery loves company Wait and see See how he does it When he breaks your heart Two bits If a puzzle fits So fine

When I'll discover That revenge is sweet As I sit there applauding When somebody breaks your heart Like you Thank you.