The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #183 - Joey Diaz, Gabriel Iglesias, Martin Moreno and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 5, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by comic Martin Moreno, and the one and only Gabriel Iglesias or you might know him as Fluffy Guy. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 06/04/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door, snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe Corn Sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. And for the premier vapor pen on the market, go to Nailed ItLife.com. You can use oil and wax. Mention Joey Diaz and get 20% off of your order.

Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me? or what? Wednesday, June 4th, the day the devil was buried at sea and fucked in the muffler. It's all over, you bad motherfuckers. I hope your feet are washed,

and your dick is water. Everything's ready to rock. We ain't fucking around today. Crank that shit, Lee. Wiggle. Wiggle, Fungle Joe Lee. Kick that motherfucker. What?

Don, dan, dan, dan, dan, tan, tan. Don, dan, tan, tan, tan. Go, Lee. A little Spanish for you, Lee. Sing it. That's my boy. You're here. The church of what's happening now?

What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Everything all right today? Who, me? Yeah, you, you're fucking. I'm like five minutes away from not understanding anything that happened. Oh, please. I picked him up and we went and got a pot cookie, so this is going to be an interesting pot.

Two pot cookies, and you ate a quarter, and I lied to you. They weren't 100 milligrams. You always lied to me. They're 200 milligrams. So get ready to shoot a fucking devil. There's the same cookie that got us lost. to San Diego this week. We're going deep tonight.

Everything else, don't fucking mad. I got two great guests in the studio. I got my brother, Martine Moreno, and my other little brother, fucking Gabriel Fluffy Iglesias. What's happening, gentlemen? What's up, Joey? I can't call it. Great to have you, motherfuckers here.

Thank you, and thank you for sharing your treat with us. Oh, please. It's an honor. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to get the blood going, you know what I'm saying? Because if not, I want everybody to be on the same wavelength here. Nobody's missing that. What's going on with you, the Iron Maiden?

You're bad motherfucker. He's walking at me on the street. I'm like, look at this guy. He looks like a young Danny Trail. Look at him with his long hair. Mexican D. Snyder. That's fucking the axe. He's not even Machete.

He's the axe. I'm feeling good, Joey, man. You look beautiful. Thank you, bro. I've seen your son last week. That's a big motherfucker, though. Six foot four. He's bigger than that Blake fucking Griffith.

Yeah, he's a Mexican six foot four pretty motherfuckercker. He's a pretty motherfucker. God bless him, God bless you. You did a good job. Thank you, man. It's always very nice and very sweet. And what's up with you? You fucking savage of love, because that's exactly what you are.

You're just a fucking savage. That's it. Like, that's it. It's over. You got, you know, you are. I got to ask you a question off the bat before we even go anywhere. When we were on that bus on that plane ride with Mommy, Mommy in the middle, and we both fell asleep on her, coming back from Tucson.

When you were sleeping that day, did you ever have a thought that you, You would have a concert movie coming on July 11, 2014. My only goal at that moment was to pay my rent, man. I just wanted to, I had not even full rent. It was half rent. It was $150. The club's name was Bugsy. If people came in with a bug, they got in for free.

It was booked by Rudy Moreno. Yeah, so you know I took home 30. Right, you took home 30. And a check. I mean, did you ever think of what's going, what's happening right now in your world? Did you ever imagine this growing up? Did you ever imagine this growing up? Did you ever imagine this on that plane ride when you were coming back from Bugsys that day?

You know, the fact that I was just doing stand-up was the dream. It wasn't even thinking, oh, would it ever get to the point where it's a concert? I mean, I was just happy to be on the road. I was happy to be performing with other comedians, and that was it for me. I didn't think it got better than that. I mean, a couple weeks ago, I think I saw the trailer to the concert. And I just, you know, I watched it, and I watched it. It's like when you're there.

I was right there. I saw that. That was the bicycle club 15 years ago. Wow. I still all, Javier Sanchez, 200 books. You know, it's just, you know, people, when you first start doing stand-up, you see somebody on HBO. You see somebody on HBO.

And that's how you get turned down to. At least I did. At least we did, you know, all the older generation. You saw somebody on HBO, and you thought that he just walked off the street, walked into the club. And he got on stage. Ended an hour. And that's what you thought.

And you're like, I could do that. I can't do that or whatever the fuck. People don't know what goes on, what happens, how it starts, how one morning you wake up and you go, I'm funny on that motherfucker. Then you tell your friends and you tell a couple friends and they say, fuck you and they bet you're 20 bucks that you're not going to go to a laugh at you on Latino night and get on stage. And you get on stage and next thing you know, you're in the back in the car,

you know, with other guys farting and you sit in the back seat, you're running for sodas. Next thing you know, you're in the front seat. Next thing you're driving the fucking car. And now you're a headline. People don't know the journey, and I want people to know your fucking journey. Yeah, it's been 17 years in the making. I started doing stand-up comedy April 10, 1997. And that July, I think I want to say that is probably the first time I met you.

Yes, because I moved here January 29th in 97. And I just remember going to Bugsys with you or whatever. Remember Big Alex? Fuck, with the three necks? You never saw nobody that big. That was massive. It was amazing. His head.

Remember, he used to take us to eat. He'd pick us up in the truck. He took us to eat. Then he dropped you off at this hotel. The Cliff Manor Inn. On Oracle. On Oracle. And it's redone now.

It's not a crack hotel no more. Oh, no. No, it's like a New York hotel, stand-up showers. And you know what? When you don't know anything else, that was like the greatest hotel ever for me. Are you kidding me? It was the best. You know, the towels were clean.

They had a radio and a TV. And, you know, I just thought that all hotels. had to have the TVs bolted. I didn't know any better. I'm like, oh, well, at least I have a TV, you know. That is crazy. I didn't think that it got better than that. They had the little Mexican place across the street.

The restaurant. I think I went down there with you with Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, and one time with Darren Carter, he wouldn't fucking shut the fuck up. Because I love Darren Carter, he's my brother. But Jesus Christ, too cold on the plane. Do you feel a draft? Darren, what's the fuck? We're on a plane.

Who gives a fuck? What would you rather do? Be in the car? I feel a little draft. My neck. I have a long set tonight. But it's just imagine. And then I was thinking about the bicycle club. Like we'd go down there on Thursday night. It was in a bar. The little corner, the little corner inside the bar where I guess they played music.

I had made it my room. I told the guy that was running at Javier Sanchez, he says, hey, you know, if you could bring in at least 10 people, you know, I'll give you some tickets. You can, you know, pass them out and I'll give you, you know, $100 and you pay whatever comics. And for the most time, we were just losing money. But, you know, he was happy. It was a show we would do every Thursday night. And that was the first gig I ever started promoting on a regular basis. Dirty five hours at bay.

Probably. Yeah, like a check for 35. You had to go back to the next day. And you didn't know. You know, I got to get a gram at 8 o'clock. So I would drive on the 7-10, like 4.30, not knowing, into fucking traffic. It was just amazing. I still remember doing spots at, you know, Laugh Factory.

You're like building the laugh factory. Or like 20 bucks or 25 bucks or something like that. No, no, no, no. Jamie would pay you those random weird $12 check. $12 and shit. And, you know, you sit here and you look at this. Like I've been in L.A. for 17 years, dog. No lie.

When I came to L.A., I thought this is just going to be a fluke. I thought I was just trying to kill time. I was just killing time to face reality. But then it became like Richard Gere, an officer of the gentleman. I had nowhere else to go. That's it. And when you have nowhere else to go, what do you do? you keep getting on stage and eventually you're going to get fucking funny.

Something's going to happen. You know, it's funny. I go to Jiu-Jitsu now. You looked at me weird when I said that to you about a year ago. Because I got sleep apnea. I got sleep at me. And I hate, I hate being scared of something. I hate fucking being scared of needles.

Whenever I go get blood out, I bring Santana, Oycomova. And I put the iPod on, I look the other way and I move my foot to the rhythm. I don't like blood, I don't like needles. That's why I go to acupuncture. Because I want to always overcome my fingers. Okay, I was going to say it was like. Yeah. I fucking hate it.

So I'll go to acupuncture. I won't look at the needles. I'll look down. For the first two or three years, I fainted. Now I don't faint no more. I don't faint no more. That's a masochistic shit. You have to, because what happens

when the Russians come? They're going to stick needles in me. You got to be fucking prepared. You got to be prepared. You know, they trade it for five, now they're going to trade, what's his name? They're going to trade fucking Derek Jeter for six Taliban. Did you hear about that one?

The Taliban's going to come. They're going to fuck us up the ass. You're going to be prepared. You know what I'm saying? You don't want to sit that. can't take fucking needles. What happens if terrorists take over and we're out of shape?

We got to fucking run. That's why I'm getting in shape. I got to pick my daughter up and run. So I'm scared. Whenever I get out of my back, I can't breathe. So I was torn in front of my head. Why don't you go to Jihadistica? God damn, I got to smell men's feet.

Biggs asses and shit. I tell you, I went and I fell in love with it, man. How long you been doing Jiu-Sut-Soo? Thirteen months. This is my 13th month. Wow. And I fucking, I just started not getting scared because I couldn't breathe.

So every time I go and do a couple of hip escapes, ride and get up, take my gear off, take the belt off, you're fucking breathing, you see scars, you know, scars, you see stars, you know. So I just wanted to overcome my fears. That's why I fucking started going to Jitsu, just so I could breathe on my back, you know. That's the reason why. What are we talking about? I don't know, there's cookie kick in.

I'm just best minds by your voice. You have a very hypnotizing voice. Yes, I do. I don't fuck around, though. You should read nursery, little stories. Oh, that's all hysterical. Because I look at the car. Every morning when my daughter gets up, if I'm home, she runs through the room, the office.

And I pick her up, and I got to do whatever I'm doing. I got to stop and put on ABC, you know, A is for Apple. And when I'm saying, A, it's for assholes. I'm saying all that shit in my head. But you don't say it out loud. No, I don't call out because she's like, she's like 17 months. She's picking that shit up. One morning, she's going to look at me and go, what the fuck?

My wife is going to die. I told my wife your dad. We got to stop cursing her from him. She's like, me, you? Not me. I don't curse that much. in front of, but it's hysterical. When I read her to things, I hold, like, when she's in the other day,

we're at the park, and some kid hit a thing, and the thing hit her in the chest, and she looked at the kid really mean, and she started crying, the kid was older, and I looked at that little motherfucker in the back of my head. I'm like, a little fucking black cock sucker, and I already seen myself throwing the ball at him and hitting him in the head, and the ball bouncing off his head. I had one of those rubber balls in my hand.

I had to control myself. I'm like, I'll fucking kill you, you little fuck, you hit my daughter again. Because at first, it's hard, You don't know. You don't know. A couple weeks ago, I was at this other park, and some little fucking kid was spinning, and I'll say shit as I'm with them.

Like, I won't say it out loud. You know, like the kid cut my daughter off, and he slipped and felt, and I heard him, like, that's what you get you, little cocksucker, for cutting my daughter off. I didn't say it out loud, but I still say it. You internalized it. Yeah, you internalized it. That's what you get, you little fuck.

Next time I'm going to kick you in the fucking neck, you cut my daughter up, but you can't kick a kid in the neck. But trust me, I got to get used to this shit. This is going to be an uphill battle. Oh, raising a little daughter is going to be a mother-fitting. I went to a friend's house that has a child that's a hitter. And there was a couple times.

A hit her almost reached across. I had to catch myself. Like, I had to catch myself because he hit his sister. The sister was on the floor and he came up and smacked him in the head. She's a baby. This motherfucker just came up and hit her. My original reaction was just to smack. I had to catch myself.

And after like 10 minutes, I go, honey, we got to leave. I got in the common. I was like, what's the matter? I was stressed out sitting there because I wanted to get her. kick that fucking kid because the father wouldn't beat the fuck out of him. That kid needed a fucking beat. But anyway, that's one of my business, you know what I'm saying? I'm not the fucking family.

Yeah, oh, I get fucking pissed off. You got it, you know. It's hysterical, but I don't even know what the fuck we're talking. What we're talking about in? Your baby. Your baby. That's it. Yeah, just warm thoughts.

Yeah, beautiful, warm thoughts. Me smacking a fucking kid at the park, little cuck suckers. But I can't wait until she gets to that age because, you know, she's a daughter. You got to push her a little bit. Yeah, yeah, of course. As a daughter, you want to, you know, I don't want my daughter to take no shit. I wanted to. You want her to be tough.

You want her to be a bad bitch? Yeah, I want to be. Yeah, you don't want her to be a bitch, but a bad bitch. I wanted to be a lady, but I wanted to know that this comes a time where you have to take off your shoes and go, what, motherfucker? Look, here's the thing. Not exactly. What, motherfucker? I hate when people raise their kids, well, I mean, I shouldn't talk about how anybody should raise their kids,

but you tell all these little girls that there's a prince coming and you read them all these stories about the freaking fairy tales, and there's a prince that's going to come to rescue you and there's no fucking prince coming. Me, you and Gabe, that's who's coming, bro. That's who's out there. I know the fuckers are out there. I've met a prince or two. Those guys are assholes.

This fucking guy, you hang out with princes and shit. You go to Abu Dhabi and eating hummus fucking with them and shit. They throw tortilla chips. Let's listen to Mexican music. You bad motherfucker. World Travel and shit. So where are you from originally? I was born in San Diego, Chula Vista, grew up in Long Beach.

Okay. That's where I've lived ever since. I mean, I moved to Burbank. No, no, no. I was born in Harbor City and raised in Wilmington. Real close to Long Beach. Okay, I know Wilmington. That's what that's the home of Gilbert Escobel.

Yeah, yeah, there you go. The VFW. The VFW, the best tacos in Los Angeles. How many of those VFW shows did you do with Gilbert or even with Rudy? 20 of them. The VFW. And the only reason why I did them was because the 50 Cent tacos. Right across the street. Flores meats.

Gordon, you know, man. Those are fucking delicious. I remember I brought a black drug dealer with me one time. That's how I rolled. He travels with his manager. I used to travel with a drug dealer, just in case. Remember the black drug dealer, big yoga, the football player? I took him down to me one time. This guy was fuck.

I would take him down even when he was more fucked up because then I could front, he would forget. You know what I'm saying? Give me another gram. I'll give it to you tomorrow. What happened last night? I don't know. What did I do with all my coke?

I have no idea. You were hanging out of a white chick. say, you know, you're giving him blow. Meanwhile, I'm taking a blot. He would pass it. Like, I go to his house, Dante, give me a gram. Man, I'm too fucked up. Come on, let's take a ride.

I get him in the car with me, and I smoothen him up. On the way down, I'd clip a fucking gram from him, and then we'd get to Long Beach because he loved those tacos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's Womington, Wormington. Boomer. He'd eat fucking 20 of those tacos. He loved him, and he'd come back,

bro. What's all my blow? I have no idea. My God. Now, did Gilbert make you work clean when you worked the VFW? They always try You know what? I love it because you always told them to kiss your ass and you're saying

So they always try He always tries, he always goes, you know Joey got to work a little clean I mean he won't invite me to his church fucking services He puts out one of his pink suits And he goes to the church You know one time, dog

I swear to God I did a Navy base in El Paso An Army base in Opaso for Ernie G Oh shit Oh Fort Bliss Ernie G booked it and I went with Gilbert And I'm a plane and I got This is one of funniest thought

I get to the airport, L-A-X, and Gilbert's already got the orange suit. That he's going to wear for the show? The one he's going to wear for the show. It's on him. Wow. Do you know that motherfucker had no luggage? He traveled like Oscar Madison. He had socks and a toothbrush.

We got to El Paso, and he went right to the gig. I went back and shouted. He had his suit on. We did the gig. We were leaving the next day. When I went to knock on his door, he slept with the suit on. Stop. All he had to do is put his socks on, brush his hair, brush his teeth,

and he was on the fucking plane. He was like fucking blade. What the Because only Blade would wear that orange fucking suit, you know what I'm saying? If he was Dracula, he was sleeping. I love all that.

Oh shit. In and out. Bro, how many fucking stories do we have about crazy comedy? Yeah. All of us, especially Latino comedy scene. How fortunate we were that we were. Especially thinking how, you know,

what level we thought we were at when we were there. Like, oh, it doesn't get better than this. Oh, that's it. That's it. It's the best. Yeah, you take a road trip to Vice. Salia, you're on the road. You're on the road, man. You know, world tour. Yeah. We made it to Fresno.

Ain't no stopping us now, man. Lindsay. Lindsay. What was the best thing about Vaisalas? Those poppy chulo gigs out there and freaking, uh, all India. No, uh, Calexico area. Clexico. Sebasian used to have, remember all those fucking rooms we used to do? Sebastian had, what's the town next to San Diego?

Real dark fences everywhere. It's like a suburb of San Diego You gotta go beneath San Diego Fucking one night He gave me a gig in-Derm? Dark, no, no Right in San Diego It's just right before Mexico it drops

San Jacito Santa Cito Something fucking scary as shit You made it sound like a religious figure Yeah, right? It's crazy like we lost Maryland You know, we lost Maryland We lost a lot of Freddie

But it's funny like even with Martin One of my favorite Martin stories Was when he was booking that fucking room on Wednesday nights and there was a soldier there and Martinez said something about Bush and not the band the president

but no this was this was that Rick Ramos's room Rick Ramos's room and Alhambra and it was like green like they were trying to turn it into like a Hollywood bar but they didn't know they went

Sapphire fucking sapphire but you were hosting I don't know what the hell I was doing for some dude and you got into an argument with him and he goes listen I'm gonna bring up a comic

and we'll go outside and take that he should and I think he brought me up and he went out and fought the motherfucker and came back with his shirt ripped the dude and I'm like oh my god I love this motherfucker this is my type of dude here

and after that I need you know the dog because I called him every week you beat up a dude that's fucking brilliant I love it and he went right back on stage like a soldier he went right back on fucking stage that's when I was still real ghetto man

I can't let him do that in Virginia Beach no you still go to Virginia We go everywhere. No, I know you go everywhere. But I mean, like, yeah, definitely all the, you know, the Virginia's and the D.C. area. I mean, you're going to be there in the next couple weeks. At this point, where haven't you been?

I mean, you're selling tickets all over the world. Russia. Russia, Mexico, and South Africa. But you've been to regular Africa? No. Well, I mean, not even regular Africa. I mean, the goal is to perform in South Africa. If we could do regular shows in Africa, I'd be there, too.

What, nothing for Africa? Hey, Joe, Joe, no Africa. No lions, no lions, tigers, and bears. Egypt, shit like that. We were actually scheduled for Egypt, but it was the same week of the uprising with Mubarak. That's one of those. I think we're going to cancel it. Now, Portugal, Spain, all that?

Spain, yes. We've done Spain, yeah. Road to Spain. How were they? You know, it was a combination of locals and, military. Okay. So, no, no, it was cool. You know, the Spanish is a little bit different. They got the Lisp. But, you know, I get a lot of Twitter followers and Facebook followers from Spain and they're like, you know, come over here, watch your videos. And why not Mexico yet?

Shit. I'm too paranoid. You know, I'm, I'm, Martina and I were friends with Santana's security. And he's always telling us any time he goes down to Mexico, man, he takes a big security team because, you know, the cartel people and stuff there. Oh, yeah, I understand. They just want to kidnap you and make some money. You know, it's funny, like, people go into Cuba from Mexico now. Yeah. People go on the day trips. How fucking crazy is that?

Day trips? Yeah, and they won't stab your passport. No, they won't stamp your passport. They hook it all up in Downey. Nice. Well, the Cubans are there. There's a Cuban restaurant. I want to go to Cuba.

There's a Cuban restaurant. You go to Downey. You're knocking on the table. When somebody comes right over, they tell you where to take the fucking bike in the morning. You go to San Diego, and you drive down. I swear to God, I've heard this. You drive down. They take you to Cuba about six in the morning.

and you're back by 9 o'clock at night. How much is that? Not. People do it all the time to go visit their relatives. They bring back fucking food. Not do you got to be Cuban to go or anybody can go? They're doing it out of Mexico. Yeah, and if they're not stamping your passport, it doesn't really matter.

They're not stopping your passport. They put a piece of paper in. If you want it stamp it, you stamp it. If you don't have to stamp. People go from Canada, too. I see Canada trips. A lot of Germans vacation in Cuba. Well, the Canada's and Germans.

Yeah. But listen, don't believe the hype. Somebody went, a friend of mine's went, and they said they saw Washington State apples at the hotel. But we have an embargo. So, you know how life is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how fucking life is.

Yeah. So, yeah, there's an embargo. Because remember, the hotels, people, Cubans can't eat at the hotels. Cubans themselves can't go to their own hotels. For a Cuban to go to a hotel, I have to go to a hotel, and my sister could come visit me. You know what? I was reading something about there's a different currency out there. Yes.

They have the currency and then they have a different currency. A different currency. And the different currency is the tourists use it and the other fucks can't touch it. Can't touch it. It's like two different worlds over there. If they catch you an American dollar, you do five years. That's crazy. American money.

But they got a hustle. There's people out there selling newspapers, but all on the download. There's women. There is some. Big prostitution. That's why a lot of the Germans, that's why a lot of guys go, older guys getting groups, and they say they're going down there for underwater activity. That just means they got them really wet.

Yeah, you get some Cuban girl that's 18 for $3. Oh, stop. You know, they'll suck you and fuck you until from now until Tuesday. Yeah, that's why they go down that, man. It's fucking crazy. It's really crazy. You know, your boys always go down there. They've been there.

In fact, my cousin's band opened up for Ozo Motley. Oh, okay. When Ozo Motley, when I did stand-up revolution with you guys, I talked to them and they were telling me about a guy who got them weed. That was my cousin. Like, it's my cousin's band. He's in the national Cuban fucking band. Him and my,

his sister, and their parents. Their parents are really my uncles. Yeah, they're my cousins. How fucking crazy is that? I think it's crazy that there's freaking weed in Cuba. They got everything. Yeah, but I mean, what's the punishment?

I mean, if you get caught with a dollar and you go three years. Yeah, they'll kill you. I mean, if you get caught with a joint Cuba. But I heard it's really bad. It's not like what we're getting here. It's just really fucking bad. It's just really bad. It takes a couple of it.

Just take some cookies. Yeah, just take a couple cookies. Speaking of which, man, I feel like I'm going to eat the microphone. Are you hungry already? No, but I'm feeling. I'm feeling this power, man. This is good. Dog, I don't fuck around.

It used to be cheapo, chew the red, the green horn. They're the best. 70 milligrams, but 220 milligrams of CBDs. These cookies are 200 milligrams and you see the fucking devil. I love the fact that you had to use your shoulders and all your arms to tear the packaging open, which tells you how. How strong. It's got to be for it to be in that level of packaging.

It's like made and fucking, it's... That's like to make sure no kids accidentally tear that open. No, no, that's what it says. Don't give it to no fucking kids, they'll die. Keep out of reach of children. Keep out of reach the children. Big red letters. I don't even eat those cookies in the house.

My wife don't want nothing in the house. I got to eat that shit outside. I got to stash it outside. Like, fucking... How you doing over the league? How you doing, Bubba? I'm all right. I'm...

What I have 70 milligrams? Holy shit. I gave him 100 on the right to San Diego, and we both got car sick. I had to pull over, and I'm thinking I'm going to die. This is what he didn't see. I got out of the car, because I get car sick. I always get car sick. But this cookie hit me.

I eat half the cookie with him, and I pop the Chi-Bo Chew, like a fucking savage. And I get to this casino, it's Harris, and I got to pull over. I mean, this is terrible. Doing 90 all the way to say anything. Doing 90 the whole fucking way. You know, I don't play games. I get out of the car, I look over, and there was a bouquet of flowers where somebody had died there. So it took my head somewhere out.

I was like, I'm going to fucking die. And these were dark roads. It was an Indian reservation. I'm dead. I'm fucking dead. Did you feel the spirits? I felt the spirits. I would have used him as a shield.

But luckily we made it, but we were so fucked up. And last night I was so fucked up. Last night I ate a whole one of these. You eat the whole thing. Oh, I kept calling him. I'm going, Lee, come over, eat this cookie. I go, your fucking grandmother suffered in Auschwitz. you to eat this cookie.

They suffered. They fucking suffered just to you eat this fucking cookie. And he's like, what are you talking about? I'm not going to go over there. I go, my grandmother swam here

from Cuba for me to eat this cookie. Your grandmother survived Auschwitz and came over here for you to eat this cookie. Each time you called, it was a different family member. You're like, your grandfather burned

and I was so fucking stone. And then last night it was the Russians who were going to come and give us edibles. See, we were training for that. Now today they're giving us needles. Last night they were giving us edibles.

I was gone. My wife kept looking at me. It's time for you to go to bed. Finally, I got 9.30. I go, maybe I should get a cup of coffee and get this party start. And I go, fuck that. I'm tapping out. But Joy, doesn't the fucking weed just tap into parts of your brain that are normally dormant, right?

Listen, I'm retarded. I don't know what dormant even means. Because, you know, you only use less than 16% of your brain. So the other part is just fucking chilling. So when you start doing drugs, or hallucinators, it opens up those other parts of the brain, and now you're living

or existing in different realms and looking at things different, which makes sense. Two weeks ago, I ate one of these by myself, and I kept thinking there's the cookie that, remember the week Casey Kasen was missing? Nice. Dog, I kept sitting there. Maybe this is the cookie Casey Kaysamate, right?

And I'm going, this is what he ate. I'm saying this to myself in the living room watching Wally Kazam with my daughter. I'm like, dog, this is the cookie, Casey, Kaysamate. And all of a sudden they came of the thing, there's traffic on the 405, the president of Israel's in town. I'm like, oh, shit, that motherfucker knows where these cookies.

I kept saying that to myself. He knows where Casey Kasem is, and he knows who they get the fucking pot cookies, but I love it. I love giggling. You know, you love giggling, you love giggling. We like having a good time. I'm just trying to figure out how I'm going to get home. You're going to be fine.

You're going to be fine. That's fine. There's a Puerto Rican restaurant right down the corner named Mofungo. can make a pitts. More fungos. And they got Coco Rico. They got everything just like in Puerto Rico.

Oh, yeah? Every big time Puerto Rican comes up here to eat. They serve stuff like lechon and all that shit. And then they got a chrioio across from, that's why I went to my wife on Sunday. A chrio,

Cubano creoyo on Perbank across from Costco. Not bad. You get the pork chunks with the black beans and rice solid. That sounds great. Everything else I don't, I don't vow for. I'm hungry right now. We had the chicken. The chicken was good.

Leeds had the garlic chicken, the Cuban garlic chicken. Oh, that shit's always good. Before we get off here, I'm going to talk to you about something. How strong is Chan's dragging in? Oh, come on. You know, I grew up in that motherfucker, right? Because I was 15, I've been going. Those egg rolls, those egg rolls of size of baby arms?

Those are the best fucking egg rolls in the world. You dip it in the mustard, and your nose hairs sift out and shit like that. That's good stuff. The food is good, and that bar looks like some shit went down. The deals and things have happened at that bar. Hits have been made at that bar. Listen to me. We used to go there.

You know what I mean? In high school, you have driverette. Okay, we have driverette. So the teacher's name was George McGrath. He smoked camel with no filters. And he had a mustache, and it was orange from smoking camels. His fingers were orange, and his teeth were orange. We used to call him camel breath. Right to his face, camel breath, come on.

So we take over the car. You had a sign up. So you had a sign in when you want a driverette. There was no driverette with us. He didn't blow. We had this guy. So we get in the fucking car. We were sophomores in high school.

We get in the car. And we go, where we go? First, we got to stop at the liquor store. Guys, you're going to make me lose my job. What the fuck, McGrath? Come on. Let's go get some fucking beers. It's a party.

It's a celebration, fellas. You know what I'm saying? All right, get an A-pack. We get a little A-packed that they were nips. Nips are seven-ounce beers. Then the next thing, we've got to stop the fucking chance. Guys, I can't have food in the car. Come on, McGrath.

We'll buy you some egg rolls. A fucking steak on a steak. You motherfuckers. And we go to Chan's in high school and get two egg rolls in the package and get steak on a stick. And we eat him and he'd take this back. It was the cars that his side had the brakes on, too. Yeah. So you know what I'm talking about?

But the best was just me and him alone. I don't give a fuck. I'm going to talk about this guy because he won't be my friend on Facebook. He's mad because I put a bedding with him. His buddy. Come on Camel, breath. Mr. Pollute. And we didn't pay him, so he never wanted to talk to me again.

So when I saw he was on Facebook, I hit him up. So me and him was like I was like a sophomore in high school in front of Carval on 38th Street Union City I'll never forget that dog and he goes you got to blow and I took out a double barrel shotgun It was a glass with two things that went into your nose with a spoon at the end so you opened up the baggie And you took the thing and you went like this and then you just took the two things in your nose went and it went in both your bro This is 1981 double barrel shotgun and I would always get fucked up and sit on it because it was made out of glass I had more cuts in my ass than fuck And you're afraid of needles.

Oh, my God, it was Tygo Hormo. Right in my ass hurt. And also next day I have a scab on my ass from cutting myself. Who was your friends who paid the bartender there to karate chop him? Oh, Roger Holloway. We were kids. He'd go in there and go, we'd all walk in. The guy's name, the guy was as Chinese as could be, but he had like a white left name.

So when you're going down, how are you doing Gabriel? I said, ah, at a time you go, Charlie. His name was like, Charlie. He retired. Are you sure you weren't just calling him Charlie? No, I don't know what his name is. Because I could see you doing that. But I had a friend that when he'd go in there automatically, he just put his neck down.

And my friend would go in, my friend would go, hold on one second. Charlie, come in. Charlie would come over and put his neck down, and Roger would go, ha! And karate chop him, and give him like a 20. Let me get a drink. Give everybody a fucking drink. Here's a 50. Let me karate chop.

You got a karate chop. Dog, it was the funniest thing in the world. It was a dude that just let you karate chopper. Just let him karate choppy. Just let him karate choppy. But we go in there. Now it's not. But if you get on that road.

And instead of going straight, you make the right. You're eight minutes out of the city. So I don't care who you went in there with. You go in there with Johnny A.A. I haven't had a drink or a day of cocaine in years. You get them a pork chop, like a rib and shit, bro. And also you put a beer in front of them or a zombie. They had those zombies with the straws that four people could drink.

Right. Bro, you have a zombie in there. You get the seven-year-age. That place was a parking lot. People would just go back and forth into New York City in the 80s and 90s to get cocaine and go back there. Now, the way that it looks now, is it the same way it looked back then? Since fucking 1980, it has not changed.

Those chairs are the same. Same chairs. The art are the same. Everything are the same. Fact yesterday, I don't know if when you get by, Georgie lives around the corner from my friend's funeral parlor, Vanieri. Vanieri won the assemblyman yesterday in District 8. So you got friends in Jersey, motherfucker.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. You got friends in Jersey now. He won the 8th district fucking freeholder. but I remember going in there with him after missing persons. Nice. We went to see missing persons one night. We were all fucked up.

And the bar, and the guy came over and he's like, what can I get you? And I'm like, let me get a night drop soup. My friend's like, let me get something else. That sounds good. And he goes, let me get a chicken noodle soup. And I fucking almost killed him. You don't order chicken noodle soup and chance.

But now they got on the menu. They got chicken noodle soup on the menu at chance now. But man, those egg rolls, that's what you go for. The egg rolls. The pork fried rice is delicious. I remember. There was, yeah, we fucked up some shit. Oh, I got a picture of the pork fried rice.

You take pictures of the food too, sweet. I take pictures. I got a picture of the fucking egg roll on here. That's how strong I am. I don't fuck around, though. Yeah, I got a picture of the egg roll somewhere. I think we've eaten there, what, like four times already? Look at that fucking egg roll.

Oh, God. That don't even look like an egg roll, dude. That's a rib. A rib. Whatever the fuck it is. I'm sorry, egg you all the rib. I'm fucked up. What are you going to show me?

He'll show me a picture of a rib and call it an egg roll. I'm like, let the fuck. There's the monster. Nice. Yeah, she's a big fucking girl. I'm very lucky. What the fuck we talked about?

Egg rolls. Chinese food, Mr. McGrath, Camel, Brad. Who gives the fuck? Everything's good, Joey. When you were in Burbank, now you said you lived in Burbank, how old were you living in? Where did you go to high school?

I went to high school, Long Beach, Wilson High School class of 1994. I lived in Burbank for, what, about seven, eight years ago, Martin? Oh, more than that. Actually, no, no, no, yeah, over 10. Over 10, probably about 11 years ago. My roommate was Rick Gutierrez.

Rick Gutierrez and I lived together for two years. And then I moved in the house. That's why he opened up the studio and sent him to me. I love Rick Gutierrez, by the way. Rick's one of the best dudes out there. After he pukes and shit, he's one of the best dudes out there. I love Rick with all my heart. I miss Rick.

I miss seeing Rick around at the club because he always giving me a laugh, you know. He would always be mad at something. As soon as you walked in, there's no air conditioning on here, bro. We got to straighten these people out. You go talk to him. He's still mad at something. He's always mad at somebody. I love him.

He's always mad. He's not mad. He's just a parent. By the way, can I give a little plug for his special? What is it? His special comes out June 14th. On what? On Nouveau TV, and then it's going to come out on Netflix.

All right. It's one hour special. Rick Gutierrez, bad motherfucker. I haven't called in before the thing. He's a good man. man, Rick Gutierrez. Look who's calling in. Steve motherfucking Simone. He's probably looking at pictures of fucking

Hottie Riley, Bryce are jumping up and down. We're a little cape on right now on his bed. That's crazy, motherfucker. One of the sweetest guys in the fucking world. Is he not the sweetest guy? Oh yeah, he's nuts. He's nuts. With his little new haircut. When you were in high school, did you have a dream of fucking doing this shit?

Man, I just wanted, my dream was the finish high school, Julia. And you too? Yeah, I didn't finish high school. I had to go back. I didn't finish either. I quit my senior year, like a Jerkoff. You got all the way to the end and just bowed out.

I quit September, but then I went back in December, and then I worked double hard, and they told me I was short three credits, so I told him to suck my dick. I took my GED before I got left. That's so funny. They told me I was missing an English class, and then they let me do 10 book reports

and give me my high school diploma. 10 fucking book reports. I went to the library, got a book of bibliographies, and just copied that shit on, turned it in, I marched. It was a proud moment. That was it. No big shabang, no big fucking nothing.

You finished high school, though. I finished in the summer. Okay, how about you? Lee fucking was an honor student. No, it wasn't. He's a savage. How are you feeling over there? You see the devil yet?

It's coming. Okay, as long as he's coming. When did you fucking think you could do stand-up? What fucking made you one day get up and go for? You know, first time I ever got on stage, I was 10 years old. It was a school talent show after I saw Eddie Murphy Raw. And then I didn't do nothing until I was about 18, 19. And then I started watching Comic View on BET.

And every time I'd see these guys, I'm like, oh, my God, I know I'm funnier than this. I haven't done comedy yet, but I know I'm funnier than this. I'm like, really, this is making it to TV? What am I doing in my living room? So watching Comic View is what really pushed me. And where's the first place you said that I'm going to go down there? Once I was able to, I mean, you know, everybody wants to play The Laugh Factory. I mean, back then it was always, you know, The Laugh Factory.

Those shows that they'd have on TV with like a Comedy Express or they'd have a comic strip live from The Laugh Factory and, you know, it was either Bob Sagitt hosting or some of these other old school 80s guys. And I'm like, oh, man, that'd be cool one day to play at the Laugh Factory. And then you hear the other stories of like Pryor and Robin Williams and, you know, they, I can't even think of his name. Yeah, all playing over at the last year. comedy store and so then it was like oh i want to play the comedy store then you know when people

started talking about working at clubs across the country the improv's the one that covers the the country there's you know there's only one laugh factory one comedy store but the improv's the that's the the Starbucks of the comedy clubs and that's where you want to be that's where you're gonna get paid and make money the other ones you're just going to go grind it how about you brother when did I know you know what I started late Joey but I you know I always wanted to do it I always made my friends laugh, always made people laugh. And then I always thought, well, I can make people laugh because they know me. What about strangers?

You know, and I'd go to comedy shows, and I'd see somebody talk about like a, they'd do a bit about a dog, right? And I thought, holy shit. Because I used to think they were making it up. I thought it was all improv. I didn't know that they worked out of set. I thought, holy fuck, to do that. They're just that great. You got to know everything about everything.

Like, I really thought that you had to be informed on every single topic that they were. I think it was a set. I thought these guys just knows that shit off the top of his head. I was taking a speech class in, shit, probably in 99. And every speech I did, I mean, I sound like a dick, but it was funny. I mean, and I did it mostly because I wanted to keep their attention. I hated people looking at it because when other people did a speech in school, you just start doodling, you look out the window.

I'm like, fuck that. I want to keep the attention on me, so I made it funny, and I threw a lot of sexual innuendo in there. I mean, it wasn't crazy, but there. There was a lot of sexual. I mean, I did a speech on baking cookies, and I made it sound like fucking the oven. And, like, jacking off. Dude, it sounded like you were jacking off,

and then you were finally sticking it into the oven. And this dude came up to me, and he's like, I don't know what the hell you're doing in this class, but why aren't you doing comedy? And I said, dude, I make you laugh because you know me. He goes, no, no, no, no. I go to comedy clubs regularly. He goes, you made me laugh every single week.

He goes, and you're not a comedian. He goes, everything you said was funny. He goes, I don't know what you're doing with your life or while you're in school right now, what you're trying to do, but you were supposed to be a comic. And I was like, what the fuck. And it just like, and I always... You were in the service, right?

I was in the Marines for like two months. Okay. Then you said, fuck that. He's flat foot. Well, no, no, my foot. I have an extra bone on my foot. I'm double jointed. I look like I was fucking around,

but I can't put my arm with my hand straight, so he thought I was fucking with him. It was just a nightmare, bro. You would think with an extra bone, man. That'd be kind of like an advantage of the military. This guy's got extra bones, man. He could fire two pistols if he's got double. With that hand.

But no, they got the boot. Me, no, I didn't do nothing special. I barely finished high school. Went to school at Long Beach City College. Half a semester. I took that free money that they gave me, bought a stereo in a car, and then just said, eh, you know. You took the student loan.

They said in the long money. That's what happened to me. Oh, man. When I got that check in the mail, I'm like, shit. And then they said it's a loan. You got to pay it back. Fuck you. I'll pay when?

So all you had to do was stay in school for six credits or semester. You have to pay the loan back. I was like, fuck, I could do this until I'm 90. I'll never pay these fucking loans back. Well, you know what, bro? I paid all the loans back except the last one. I just paid it off last year. Wow.

They came back 20 years later. I thought I was out of the week. I thought, you know, after seven years you were good, but no. No, they came back, they wanted nine. I think I got them down to four, and they went away. So what are you going to do? But you pay for all your fucking sins, bro. They don't fuck around.

You know, when they show up when you buy a house, that's when the school people show up. You run a credit check, something happens. They're going to find you. You know, bro, I'm a fucking crazy guy. You've known me a long time. I have known you for quite sometimes. I know. I'm a crazy guy, and I love doing this podcast.

When Lee and I started doing this podcast, I wanted it to be funny, I wasn't going to sit up at night and write jokes. But the purpose of this podcast was that, for me, bro, they always put things out of context when you're grown up, especially for guys that are Spanish or black or Chinese or whatever. And I came from fucking Cube. I didn't know no English. One thing, and then I was very insecure because of that.

And then my parents did numbers. You know, they were in the numbers operation. They made money, plus they went to Santa Ria. So now, besides worrying about my language, I was insecure about that they were going to find out. My mother had a bar and that people got stabbed there. And then when my stepfather shot a dude when I was 8 on 148th Street, I was part of the Adams family.

You know what I'm saying? For Latino, so I've had all these insecurities. This podcast is a funny podcast. I like to have a good time. But this podcast is to let people know, dog, that you can do whatever the fuck you want. And if that's, if you're not living proof of that. Thank you.

That's why I wanted you guys to come on here. That was the main reason. A lot of comedians, young comics from the Valley, little Mexican dudes. You know, it's like when we showed up with those kids last year, Felicia's kids, a lot of kids look up to you. They see you on Comedy Central, Gabriel, and they see what you're doing.

When they find that I'm a comic, they come over, and they start making fucking noises and all that shit. You know what I'm saying? I'm like, look at these fucking little Gabriel's, you know? You know, when you meet these drunk idiots at a bar and they all want to beat Doug Stanhope, that's one thing. But when you meet these young kids, and they all tell you, you know,

when I was eight, I wanted to be a fireman. When you're right, you got two choices. A cowboy. If I tell you what I really wanted to be when I was, like, for two years, you guys were going to die. I wanted to be fucking Mexican. Stop it.

But not you Mexican motherfuckers. You want to have the mustache. With the buncho. With the bullets. I wanted an uncle like that. I kept saying to my mom, don't we have an uncle down there in Mexico that I could go live with? Because that's what I really wanted to be.

I want to be a Mexican with the fucking things. You didn't know when I was 10. We don't need no stinking bad. Yeah, we don't need no stinking fucking. You know, when I watched Zoot's suit, I lost my mind. I heard a couple of years ago, they were thinking of remaking and I was like blocking that shit. You can't remake that. Even James Edward almost was like, dog, please.

I will shoot you motherfuckers up. You understand me? But it's really weird. All jokes aside that you have done that, you've let a bunch of people know that you can do things, man. It is possible. I mean, as a kid, first of all, I grew up with just my mom. My dad was into the picture. We were on welfare and Section 8.

We were living in not the greatest part of Long Beach. It's right on the border of the east and the west, which was really interesting when the gangs would meet, because, you know, they would basically duke it out right there in that neighborhood. You know, it's always east side, west side, and then, you know, that was it right there on that line. On Henderson in the city of Long Beach. And my mom and I, we lived there for 14, 14 years,

and then finally we got approved for Section 8, and we were able to get a better house. Well, better place to live, not a house. And your father recently showed up. My father recently showed up. You showed up like Renee Garcia, one of those gays. I didn't know they did comedy here. There's a couple of comics.

Oh, you mean Sandoval, right? No, no, Renee Garcia's from Houston. I'm sorry, that's my dog. There's a little comedian, a Mexican comedian. Dog. The guy that Mike Robles was grooming, I guess. He's got glasses, right? Yeah, you could be doing a show in Alaska.

And he'll come in and look around. He always comes in. I didn't know you were here. You know what I'm saying? I didn't know you were here. I didn't even know they did comedy in this motherfucker. I just happened to walk him to use the phone. I heard your voice.

And you're like, really? Just like that. Meanwhile, his phone has everybody's app on it. Right, everybody. You know, it's crazy. There's always these comics that whenever you're doing a room, they just show up during the same town and shit. But yeah, that's what my dad did.

He showed up, and I thought it was going to get weird. I thought he was going to get, like, uncomfortable. And he turned out to be okay. He just wanted to let me know I had a couple of sisters in Mexico, and that, you know, he was a real. around and if I had any questions. And you're tight with them now? We're not tight.

I mean, you know, we'll communicate. It's rare, but, you know, we do. It's a lot better than it was before. Right. He checks in on you. He checks in. You don't check in? Not yet.

You can't. It's still too, you know. And then since my mom passed, then it's been a little bit, you know, I pushed it back even further because now it feels awkward. Talk to my dad after my mom, you know. It's fucking rough, family, huh? Family's a motherfucker sometimes. I don't really deal with anybody anymore.

I mean, I got one sister that I really talked to, and her daughter, my niece, and that's about it, as far as family's concerned. I don't talk to my brother anymore, mother's sisters, you know, everyone's estranged. We're just kind of like, that's it. People say that I change, but I'm like, nah, did I change, or did you change?

You know, and then, like I said, since my mom's passing, that's when everything was like, okay, you know, we were all doing this for her. And now that she's not here. She's not here. We don't have to bullshit each other, no, no, no, no. Wow. It's amazing.

You have the same problem too? You know, I'm just having like a total weed moment right now. Okay, then fuck, I'll leave you alone. I'm going to tell you. No, no, no, no. This is a good thing. You mentioned where Gabe came from. You talk about where you came from.

I didn't come from a great neighborhood. Why us? No, no, no. Seriously, because you said, you know, all these kids are getting hope and stuff. How the fuck did we get out? Why were we so lucky, so fortunate? Because there's people that I grew up with that are like, you know. More driven or?

Well, they're stuck. They're stuck. But Joey, it's like some people, it's like, I, you know, I love, you know, where I came from. It taught me a lot, you know, but it is a gang area. It's a gang, you know, place. And people are real proud of, you know, gang-related stuff. Martin and I always just do this thing. It's that line we always say, that's all I know, bro.

That's all I know. That's all I know. It's from Boulevard Knights, the first freaking Cholo movie ever, bro. Fucking Boulevard Knights. So, yeah, yeah, so proud of the fact. This dude, they didn't even have Mexicans playing the gang members on Boulevard Nights, and this dude looked up and he goes, that's all.

When you run car, your varro, you're a chavala. That's all I know. And I'm looking at that, and I'm like, this motherfucker, that's all you fucking know. There's a lot of shit to know. There's a lot of shit to know. It's like watching gangland. You ever stuck in a hotel on a Friday morning?

Any town, you start watching gangland, you listen to those people speak, and you're like, that could have been us yeah it very well could have been I see people I see my you know relatives of friends like people that I grew up with real close to them and I see how they what the fuck they're spelling

how they're spelling on Facebook first of all and some of the shit that people are saying and you're like holy fucking balls like you know I talk a lot of shit on Twitter you know I've been talking about coming on faces and whatever the fuck it is so they're probably looking at me like I'm a crazy fuck but I'm looking at them like

fucking at least I'm enjoying my fucking life. At least I got a fucking diction. You know? Yeah, dude, it drives me crazy, but it's like, we're no different, but how did we get, because, dude, it was crazy where you grew up. It was insane where Fluffy grew up.

You didn't have a dad. He didn't have a dad. My dad was loaded half the time or most of the time, but we still manage to fucking, you know, come out okay. Some people come out okay and some people get trapped. What is it, Joey? That's the moment I was having. And also the level of opportunities that are available.

Especially, you know, back then. Yeah. You know, so yeah, it is. It's crazy, you know. How us and why us? Dog, for me, I've been trying to figure out this question I finally got, and I'm going to tell you guys the truth, what it is. You know, I tell stories.

I tell stories about waking up next to a piece of dog shit. I'm doing coke all night. You know, for years, you know, it was food, coke, and whatever the fuck I was doing for 30 years. But I tell you, whenever I got really down, I would always go back to my mother. And I would always answer like, she didn't come from Cuba for me to be doing this.

And how would she feel today? Wow. How would she feel today if she knew what I was fucking doing, you know, if she was looking down, you know. And that always made me strive. So the mother figure is the biggest influence. Anything, bro. I just had this thing inside of me that this was not going to happen to me.

This was, I can't let this happen to me. I went to prison. I don't want to let her now. I was a fucking bagel chef in prison. And I almost blew up the thing one day. So they made me the stock clerk. And, you know, guys, you know, I was in there. And once you had, listen, I had a guy at gunpoint begging me for his life when he had handcuffs on.

Do you understand me, bro? When I went out to that car, I didn't know what to feel, but I know this was not what I wanted to do. And one day you make a decision and you look at your cousins or your friends from the neighborhood. And you go, you know what, I might not want to be a fucking doctor. But I know I don't want to be one of these motherfuckers, as bad as that sounds. That's how I looked at it. I just know the people I didn't want to be. like that's it this is not what I want to be and not everybody in there is crazy no no

number not all of them but there's that that that handful people that are just like holy shit you're never going to get it you're never going to get it and people get it and people get stuck in their lives and they look at from a different perspective you know bro people look at us and go do you remember when you were first starting fluffy your first three years and you were broke and people look at you and go what the fuck is wrong with you you know what the fuck was wrong with us? You're right. What made you get up one morning?

And say for five years, I'm going to fucking starve. Yeah. Because we all in this room have one thing. We all starved for five fucking years doing this. You've seen it, Joe. You're seeing it. You know, you fucking starve doing this.

You go from hand to mouth for a couple weeks. Then Sebastian takes away $25. Right. And you fucking promised you $50. But Shank shows up. Rudy gets you. I told him that at the Christmas party one year. I think he got mad.

I was all loaded. I said, fuck you, Sebastian. I remember driving out to Chino. You told me you were going to give me 50 bucks. I had a big ass truck, bro. A fucking eight-cylinder fucking truck. I was driving to Chino in from Carson. This motherfucker gave me 25.

My cell phone got Bill, got disconnected. Bro, I'm fucking 30 years old going through that shit. Please. What the fuck? I didn't get into comedy until I was 30. 30? So at 35, I was dying. You know what?

I felt like at 35, I was fucking dying. I had abandoned every credit card again. Yeah, all your resources. Every time you take a fucking student loan, they send you another card. I had Discover a card. Oh, I had those bitches on the ropes, Jack. I had those money, because they used to send you checks. In those days, they were sending you a card and a check.

But on a Saturday and Sunday, at the bank, they couldn't check, they couldn't check. They couldn't check the checks. Oh, to see if they were legit. Yeah, so even if you were over the limit, I'd be a fairer. fucking the hope on Saturday night. Can't banging those motherfuckers out. Every Monday morning, 9-01. Mr. Diaz, bring that check back immediately

right now. Fuck you. That thing is gone. That thing is gone. Gone. Don't call back here. And next Monday they call again. Did you cacted? They gave me like four of those. I held on to one. I figured out, as a comic, how to get cash advances off American Express.

I would have to borrow five bucks from you to get gas and go to a casino in Colorado. And then the guy would call in, because casinos always get your bump, cash, whatever. If you need money, watch a casino go to work, motherfucker. Yeah. If you got $30 on there, they'll get $27.50 for you. Those casino bitches, they don't fuck around, Jack.

So, no, it's very, I always think about it every day, how fortunate. And I know that you didn't come from no fucking wealthy family, nobody pushed it. I know you didn't. I know you didn't. I know lead it. And I know, my parents had money when I was growing up. When my mother died, I got to pull. plug pulled out. And that's almost the same

thing. It's even worse. Having it going from having your own room with your own TV, your own cable box, your own room. Your own air conditioner, your own carpet. My mother would bring up the food to me like a prince, you know what I'm saying? To sharing a room with two dudes farting, scratching their nuts,

no air conditioner, a fucking dog, you know. It was when my mother died, I sat there and I was waiting for the fucking who would offer me to out. You know, so, but it's just imagine. fluff. Because statistically we're not supposed to be here.

No. No. No. No. No. Hell no. Not even close. Broken homes. We're living in bad areas. On welfare, just barely getting by. I mean, and I was freaking doing drugs when I was a kid. I was a kid. I was 13 the first time I got stoned. Which, you know, I think that

might have helped. No, it helps because it opens up. Yeah, it opens up that fucking part of the brain that's usually sleeping. And you start scamming. You start figuring out how can I smoke a lot? Do you smoke pot when you were young Gabriel? I did. I did. Did you like it? You know what? For the time it worked out for me. It did.

Because I was stressed out a lot and I mean it just I had no responsibilities. I didn't have a family to worry about it. Worry about it and have a son. I didn't have pets. There was nothing. It was just me. You know? And I wasn't drinking. So that was my release. You know

the drinker? No. Now you are. Yeah, but I don't smoke. No more. That's it. It's over. No, I got to save the throat. No, that's the mama.

That's the money maker. That's the envelope. Yeah. That's the envelope. And now you got this movie coming out, which is, this is the plateau. And this was taped. We did this earlier this year. February?

February 28. At the SAP arena across the street from the improv. Caddy Corner. San Jose. No shit. Yeah, where the sharks play. Wow. It looks fucking beautiful.

It was a lot of fun to make, and I was excited. I mean, just because, you know, I was telling Martina, I think it's legit to say that it's the first time a Latino's been put in a platform like that as far as a comedian's concerned

to be given that level of stage and an opportunity. That's amazing. For me, I just wanted to make sure it looked the best, and it was the best stuff that I could put out. And what do you feel? Like, did you, like, again, did you ever,

when we were fucking around doing K-locos. Oh, God. With Mike Robles. Yeah, but you think of a show like that. Listen, when we moved to this town, what's the, what's the fucking, when you sit down with your manager,

what do they say to you? You're going to get good at comedy. I'm going to put you in comedy rooms. You're going to either get a deal. You're going to get put on the show. You're going to do Letterman and Leno. Yeah. Well, that was the plan back then.

If you're a manager, that's all you needed to do. I'll get you on Letterman or I'll get you on Leno. Let's come on. Let's get you a development deal. another, she'd get some money for that. You know, try to get you a sitcom. But Kei Lokos opened up a door for you. Klocos was a cable show

that ran, I want to say what, like five years maybe? Yes. It was produced by a comedian named Mike Robles who, you know, I give him his dues. He put me on that show. He put me on that show, and he highlighted me every chance he could in commercials and, you know, all the different ads that they had.

So I own quite a bit. show plus the fact that if you have a show that they're running basically what every what five six hours yeah they were running they were rerunning it was there in the day and rerunning in no matter how many times they played it people watched it though every time you were on it was by your TV and you saw it you would stay tuned people would watch it yeah because there was no DVRs another than then so there's a comedy show you liked it you sat there and you stuck one you watched it yeah and of course they're running the 20 commercials in between for the tours people would get

together in people's houses to watch Get Locos. I mean, it was an event to watch Get Loco's. I mean, I think people don't, I mean, it was big. I mean, because it really did put a lot of people's faces out there. But you think about it. I mean, George was... And George, because of Quealcos,

George came, yeah. Again, for those of you that don't know, Kelocos was a stand-up comedy show on the Gallivision Network a few years back, and that shows the one that definitely put me on the map. It opened Georgia. Yeah. But it all. Also, you were the fucking real star of that show,

thinking back how it went down, how the commercials ran, how the marketing ran, and they kept running you. It was something that I remember just hearing fucking Gabriel, and I go, wow, it's amazing. Because everybody thinks the Tonight Show. You guys do the fucking Tonight Show. And I did the Tonight Show about seven times.

Before that? No, after. Well, that's what I'm saying. That was the first thing. That was the first thing. that really, and think about it, they got you when you did the Tonight Show was easy now. What I think was amazing is that it was on a Spanish-speaking station, but it was in English, and so everybody, it was something cool that people could tune into, but it was weird,

because I would typically never watch that station unless that show was on. Yeah, but I knew that it was on that station. So regardless of how remote, because a lot of people think, oh, well, that station doesn't get enough attention, No, if it's a good product, people will fucking go to that. Is Galavision still on? I don't know. That's a good question.

I don't even know if it is. Because I know they got the, you know, it's obviously Telemundo, Univision. They got the Mundo's network. They got, what's a new one? Nouveau. Nouveau is the new CTV. CTV turned into Nouveau.

Yeah. Without the Man of Steel. Lee, what's going on, you bad motherfucker over there? It's part of Univision, I guess. Is it part of the university? Lee, his fiancé, is a Mexican woman. Beautiful Mexican girl goes to USC law school, so he's living the dream right now.

He's eating enchiladas on Sundays. When I met Lee, he was a smooth 120 pounds. Look at him now. That's what happens. You got to hear his voice when he's calling me to tell him how she gave him a care package because a Mexican mom will hook your ass out. And they give him a little extra more

because he's the white kids, and they give him a bunch of the way. Oh, it's just crazy listening to guys talk Because she is Englewood It's like where they film training day And just That's where she lives? Yeah

And I go down there every week And apparently they recognize me now Because I kind of stand out a little bit Inglewood And it's just crazy Because we're trying to get her to move out now And she's The mom's a little bit weary

Because like the mom's like 60 years old And everyone knows her there And she can walk to the stores It's her home Yeah But it's like It's weird, like, coming from where I came from, you think, oh, you want to get out of there,

but, like, at a certain point, maybe you don't. Like, I'm kind of worried about that moving up here because, like, maybe she doesn't want to move out of there. Like, it's just, it's a, like, they found a guy rotting in a car at the L's super parking lot last week, and that's the supermarket they go to. Wow. It's crazy.

And the guy was rotting in the car. He'd been in there that long. They said he could have been up in there for up to a month. Nobody noticed. fucking car. No, they didn't notice until it starts stinking. When did this happen? Last week. See, now that's news. And it's just, but it's

crazy how you won't go to Mexico because her mom did the she did like the illegal coming in in the backs of cars things. She left a kid there, but she won't go back. She has a sister who comes up every six months to see them, to see her but she won't go.

No. It's, uh... I'm all right. Yeah. It's just crazy thinking about that. And then, yeah. a lot as a kid. I'm fucking scared. Now you're scared of me. That was my dream for years. I always thought I could find refuge.

Well, you know, if you want to go to, like, if you want to go to, what was in Cancun, you're okay. But they sell coke on the beach now. It's one of those places where you go, they're selling coke and weed on the fucking beach now, bro. But they do that in Puerto Rico. They do? Did you see that? No, it's funny you said that because the other day. That explains Martina on a jet ski.

Yeah. I don't fuck with that shit no more. They said they got 14 tons of coke going into Puerto Rico. And I said, I wonder who the fucking snowing all that coat in Puerto Rico? You just told me there's the people on the beach. So it's tremendous. I always wanted to go to the beach. Puerto Rico is beautiful.

Oh, I don't know. I fucking grew up there. You know what? Puerto Rico has that area. I used to go every fucking summer. That every town should have. It's an area where nobody fucks with you. Like, you go down there and that's where they have the drugs, per se.

And so if you want to get them, you go down there and you go in there at your own fucking risk. That's what, but if every town... That's funny, you sound in Puerto Rico the way you said there. No, no, but if every time... If you want to get then, you go down there. But if every town had that, a place where they just turn away, they don't know that it's happening. They do that. If every town had that, then people would fucking behave.

If you knew that you could go down there to unleash. You know, it's like the freaking, the Chinese got it all figured out, bro. They're fucking all prim and proper, but then when the lights go down, they have all these fucking whorehouses. These guys go over there, they tear. it up, they get fucking rubbed, wherever they want to get rubbed, and everybody's happy. Where's this at? Come on, man, you go to fucking Thailand, you go to Singapore. Oh, okay, in those

countries. I don't got no passport. I got fellas. And I got a warrant, they don't let me go nowhere. Nowhere, I can't go fucking nowhere. Bro, you go to Singapore, in the daytime, you can't chew gum on the street. You can't chew gum on the street. You get busted for chewing gum on the fucking street. You've got to have your shit

together. There's cameras everywhere, right? But there's an area in town where you can go and do whatever the fuck you want. and nobody's gonna fuck it's called Englewood you know yeah that's it's called you go out there you can die in a car in a restaurant no one on no nobody will fucking you're cooking your own car now now how long you're married now now no one hey no no no no no no I don't like the she's beautiful I don't like the title she's beautiful all right she's beautiful all right you're married no you gave that fucking shit up right I remember we tried it twice bro

joy joy all that's drag and he dragged me to the second one He made me perform the ceremony. Yeah, they started a night at the hip-blog. I had to become an organization together. They were selling shirts or someone doing that, calling them dog. It's tough. Beating marriage and done. Joey, I forgot where the fuck I went.

I think when I went to Puerto Rico. He called me up. He goes, hey, I heard you found a wife in Puerto Rico. You're not coming back. You don't want to grow old alone. He's clowning me on all this shit. Every time he saw me as soon as I got, uh, uh, Divorce.

Because that's what you told me. They didn't want to die alone. He just fucked them and killed him. You were going to tell you? I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what you want to tell you. Nobody wants to die alone, but, you know, what was he telling? Yeah, he was telling me where he was going through that phase.

And we all knew. I told him, don't do it, bro. Don't do it. There's some people who could get married and cut the... I couldn't do it at 20. I tried it when I was a young man. I failed at it. Now when you get old, you got nothing to lose.

You're like, fuck, I don't want to swing dick no more. I'm tired. I already had cremita. I got a blister under my tongue. For years, I had a blister under my tongue. Every night when I ate pussy, I just popped it in the morning. That's it. I didn't know what was in their hands, pussy.

Some chick came in my face one time, and I always got that blister. I didn't give a fuck how I got it. I don't give a fuck. I wouldn't go to Dr. Siff. I didn't go. I swear to God. You ever have a chick how pussy explodes in your mouth? It's tremendous.

You don't know what it's even happened. Then I would just go over there and tell her, I'm just gonna eat your pussy and finger banging. I want you to come in my mouth. And they would just shoot her. And I just, I was like a kid in the water fucker. And I loved that. I love when she came in my face.

I loved it. It's tremendous. But then I got that blister on my phone. I didn't know what I was from, but I ain't going to tell the water. Hey, you got a hell of a memory, though, bro. Doug, that was a long time ago. You always remember all your sick. Does it keep coming out?

No, not anymore. No, that was 20 years ago. I was eating that chick. I don't even know what she is. I tried looking for her on Facebook like a year ago. You ever think of a name when you're driving? If you're driving on a 4-05, you think of a chick that stuck a tongue up your ass

and you're like that filthy bitch. And then you try for like a week. You can't think of her name. And you're on Facebook putting her first name and you're sitting there. I'm going to figure this fuck. I'm going to figure this puzzle out. And that one day when you leave the detective,

You fucking think of the name. Oh my God, it just comes to you. And you go home and you type her in and she's done. Like she's just done. You can tell her she's been through the gamut. Nah, that's it. She's done. She got three kids.

They're all different nests. She's got a tattoo on her neck. I love it. The years were rough. Oh, my God. It's fucking hysterical. It's fucking craziness. Martina, are you in this?

film? You know what? I do a little cameo on the film. Absolutely. Do I have a lot of behind the scenes in this? Is it really? There's a film up front. There's a film about a six-minute movie that plays it before I hit the stage. It kind of tells the story about how my mom and dad met. And there's certain people that get to play certain characters in that sequence. It's a great. I'll tell you, watch. As far as comics go, I got Martin in it, Alfred Robles is in it, Rick Gutierrez is in it, Armando local seal's in it, Tommy Chong is in it, Ron White is in it. Gina Brionne? Gina Brion.

How many comics was that? Shit, that's at least, eh? What about Ivan? Ivan. Ivan didn't want to be in the movie. Ivan don't got a cameo. You don't got a cameo. You don't throw him a sad card.

He gets an insurance now. He gets him insurance. He wants a sad card. Some people don't get him. Just to pull it out. Just to pull out. I got a sign card and shit. It don't get you thick and shit.

All right, so after the movie comes out, what's next? Well, I guess it depends how the movie turns out, but I'm already scheduled to do a... The movie's going to be fucking great, bro. The movie's going to be great. You have fans all over the world. You know, 20 years ago, I'd go see all these comics. And there was maybe two comics that when you left there, you felt really good. It was like you did a drug.

You know, one was Pablo Francisco years ago, you know, years ago, 20 years ago. When you went to see Pablo, you left there and your fucking head was buzzing. You're making noises and jumping up and down and turning purple. You don't know what the fuck is going on. Doing tortilla boy. Doing tortilla boy and all that shit. The Seinfeld in Spanish. When I first went to the laugh actor, I came to showcase for CTV for the Latino Laugh Festival in 1996.

And I saw Pablo up there doing the cast of Seinfeld in Spanish. And I almost ran out of there. I'm like, I'm coming down here with pussy jokes. You fucking crazy? This is talent, you know. But that's what you've become. When people go see you, bro, fluff, they leave there, and it's like they know you, like they hugged you,

you're the guy they want to feed, you're the guy they want to, you know. It's amazing what you've done. And yes, you've reached the highest, the highest, the highest for Latino comments. It's a fucking, it's, you know. Joey, you know what's crazy? Is that leaving the show, I'm out there when the people are leaving, it's like they're leaving Disneyland. Yeah, I'm talking.

I see it. I mean, you think you go to a comedy show. You think you just left Disneyland, and it's, you know, and it's funny because it's like, you know, you mentioned Latino comic, but holy shit, I mean, as far as a comic period, just, it's huge. It's fucking big. It's, uh, big problems.

Thank you. Like I said, when I see different kids, you know, I've got to go to all these kid things now. And my wife will say, hey, you know, he's a stand-up. My wife will tell her late and then he'll go, he's a stand-up comic. And right away, the first person they asked me to, you know, fucking fluffy. Yeah. And I'll sit and then they start, you know, jumping and whatever. D-Doo-Doo-Doo-Doo.

And I'm like thinking of myself imitating Richard Pryor when I was 10. Like, I was imitating a dirty comic. You were watching Richard Pryor at 10? Dog, I went to a kid's house. That was Puerto Rican. We used to play basketball. And he had a brother who was a junkie. And we had like the Beatles on.

You know, like when you listen to the Beatles, we're telling like, this is jamming. And this motherfucker was sleeping, drooling with heroin. And he's like, what the fuck? You little motherfuckers listening to. And we were like, the Beatles. We thought we were cool. And he took that shit off.

And he put on Richard Pryor, the nigger's crazy. When Richard Pryor meets Dracula, and my head almost blew up, bro. It almost blew up as an American, as a Cuban, as a young. young boy, you know, hey man, what's that dirt on the back of your neck? You were filthy little motherfucker too. All that shit almost made my head blow up at that age.

I know it backwards and forwards. This time in the mornings I'm getting dressed and I'll put that on on YouTube and I'll break into tears. Wow. Because that's my childhood. That's what you're going to do for these kids, bro. 20 years from now, they're going to listen to this and go, wow, this is the guy I listened to, or this is the guy that inspired me to do comedy. You know, my hats go off to you, bro.

Plus, I got to tell you his story. Real quick. Do you know how me and Lee met? Do you have any fucking idea? No. You think I just met Lee? This is the nicest. I didn't even know you knew him.

This is the nicest. I thought he was just the guy that worked the plus. This is one of the nicest fucking people you ever meet. One of the nicest Jewish fucking people you ever meet is the real deal. He eats bagels. You know, fuck. That's my brother right there. That's my little fucking cute.

You're brother. So I got nothing going on in my life. I go over to this fucking card. dealership right down the corner but you guys both passed and Ford not the Nissan across the street before for the Ford I go in there and I tell him I want to sell cars and they say to me what are you talking about I want to sell cars one guy comes over this dog when you're in the longest yard I go yeah goes what are you doing hey I want to sell cars I want to apply for a job I had a plan I moved to the

valley I didn't want to go back on the road no more I just didn't want to go on the road no more I just wanted to do movies and I was gonna do comedy locally and I was just gonna live in the valley and kill this motherfucker out. I wasn't doing coke no more. I hadn't been doing coke about three years. I was just smoking pot. I had just lost the weight. I would walk around every morning

and that's what made me go into the fucking Ford dealer. And they said, you know what, we'll give you a job, you gotta pass the drug test. Boom, I gotta call one day that you're doing stand-up revolution. They tell me that I failed the piss test, which I knew going in. And I don't know nobody who's clean. So it's like, you know, in the old days,

you could have somebody pissed for you and whatever. I do stand-up Revolution. You're very nice to us. You give us a bag. You give us a fucking camera. A bloggy. I don't know what I'm going to do with this fucking bloggy. I thought that if you pressed it, it went right to YouTube.

No, now I got to download this shit. I don't know. And this poor kid hits me up on Facebook and he says, I'm an editor and I'm looking for shit to do. So I said, listen, how about I get a camera and I'll tape the bloggy during the week and I'll see you Mondays and I'll give you $100 a week and you edit it for me.

And we put the tapes up in YouTube and that became My Flavors world. And from there we shot a documentary, which we were going to shoot with the fucking bloggy. Until this day, we still have the bloggy. We just shot in the fucking August. So all this is because of you, in a way, because I wanted to do something with that camera. People had given me cameras before. And I kept saying I'm going to do YouTube videos. I'm going to do this.

I wouldn't do nothing with him. I wouldn't fucking do nothing with him. And finally I go, this kid gave me the best luck in the world. This kid's on fire. It didn't take a fucking genius You were on fire I wanted to do something with this energy

I met him And this is how this whole thing started He talked me into the podcast We did a documentary You saw the documentary My mother That was him That was this fucking lunatic

We took a plane to New York I got him to chance He bumped into people That I stabbed It was fucking tremendous You gave banana bread The entire shoot I had them all fucked up

So this is the energy That you spread I don't know if you knew This story So from that fucking bloggy, which we still have. It's got dense in it, bumps. I will never give that up.

They're going to bury me. That's going to be in my suit pocket on the right. I still got that fucking bloggy. And that was your energy. This whole podcast because from there, I was still doing the podcast with Felicia, but this whole thing, he's doing that said, you've got to do a morning podcast, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

And this is how to start it, brother, so on. That's amazing. I'm happy, brother. You called him today. I know you got other shit to do. I'm very happy. just dropped in and said hello and spread and brought my other brother with you this fucking savage and I'm proud of him you know I got a call a couple weeks ago

and agents gonna sign him and shoot he's the fucking Adam he's got shit going on he's got a hair deal he's got a hair deal no no no every time I see he's got a new head dude I thought it was he's Mexican that what is it Iron Maiden Eddie Snyder run to the fucking hills remember is that him

run to the hill yeah that's the first after the first album without Paul Deanna yeah who fucking you can't get dealing with you see what Paul Deano looks like now no he's bigger than me bald are you serious fucking old rat child on acoustic hit it on youtube it's parking paul diano dude who the fuck you know Bruce Dickinson was a fucking genius when he saw iron maiden he said these motherfuckers can go to the top but that's not the guy to take him to the top that's amazing I can take him to the top he punked himself into the band and

took the yeah no Bruce Dickinson was a bad motherfucker because everybody said iron made it with paul diano was great it was great but Bruce Dickinson just made it fucking arena great. You know, he was just bigger than, and he's still, if you ever see Bruce Dickinson perform, that motherfucker will run up and down the stage. He's in his 50s. He's jumping on speakers.

I mean, you got to be in fucking shape to jump on speakers. Wow. This motherfucker's still putting on a fucking show. Gabriel jumps on speakers. Fuck you kidding. Fuck Bruce Dickinson. July 10th, we'll see him jump on speakers. July 11th, he's doing circus de Soleil.

He's a fucking savage. He's like fucking Pacquiao. You know what Pacquil? You know what Pacquhart? You know what Pacquhart? Afterwards, he fucking goes and does karaoke. Gabriel does Vegas. He goes and does fucking Circus DeSalus.

They put a mask on him and shit. Listen, man, I love you for doing this. I wish you all the luck. You're my little young brother. You know, you want it to reveal a secret to these people about it. About how far back we go? No, with the virginity. All right, look.

Tell these motherfuckers. Yeah. Tell the girlfriend I brought it up, I'm sorry. I love it. It was way before. Yeah. All right, so I guess the year was 1997. It just turned 20, 21.

And we're in Phoenix, Arizona. Tucson. Oh, yeah. Tucson Arizona, sorry. Let's let's let these people know. There's tons of dirty bitches in Tucson. When you fly into Tucson, they give you a condom with a needle and a syringe.

That's where I got the pimple under my tongue. I think it was in Tucson. So break it down from, I'm sorry then to me. All right, all right. Yeah, so it was the summer of 97. We're in Tucson, Arizona playing at Bugsies. And, you know, I've met some of the... someone there and

something happened that night that was the first time it happened now as far as how dirty you want me to get a joint I won't do it just tell you banged that's it I don't want you tell me you stuck a finger up her ass or she stuck a finger in your ass you know the deed happened man it went down

but here's the thing is that way but you didn't say nothing the next morning like you were still in shot oh yeah yeah well I was in shock for a few reasons so I go to matter never mind dude yeah the cooking

The cookie. Yeah, the cookies, this is tremendous. I ain't fucking around with nobody. You made me forget my own virginity, dude. That's how good that cookie was. No, I'm telling you. This is the real deal. Joe, you should have had a fucking cookie.

It would have put you over the top. And look at them. This cleanse ain't going to do nothing to you now. That cleanse is going to melt in your fucking stomach. How's that cookie feeling? It's amazing, bro. Let me give some shout out. Get the fuck out of him.

Get ready. He's going to call you in, like, 45 minutes, and, like, talk to you about Black Sabbath. and... Desmondes and why your family came from Mexico. And what was the outline? Did you have an outline for the show or not? That's funny.

I just try to fucking write things down so I remember. Shane Quinlan, Justin Monk, Mad Buffer, Rob Debtold, Lady Red... Whatever your fucking name is. Lady Ranicorn. You know what I'm talking about. Oh, Rainicorn, yeah. Yeah, Rainicorn. She wanted to sniff your ass.

He even said it. Whose asshole do I have to sniff to get a shout-out? And I said, Lisa, yeah. Lady Ranacoy, Tiago Gera, and Aris Abar. Puerto Rican dude, bad motherfucker. You're not telling the whole story, though. I had to have, like, 10 pounds of hummus or something. No, listen.

Don't worry about that. 10 pounds of hummus? He hates hummus. I'll bring it up, and he just, he goes into a panic attack. That in ranch, and what was the thing we found out in the live podcast? Soy milk. Soy milk in your coffee. What the fuck?

Put regular milk. It's going to change your life. You know what I'm saying? A little fucking... Just regular. They all want to be different. I'm in my milk. listen, how about I fucking stab you?

Hold on. I'm about a shout out to Honit for all your fucking health needs. If your knee hurts, strong bone, if you want more cardio, get some fucking Shroom Tech. The one I take for Jiu-Jitsu, it keeps me fucking...

Sometimes I'm going to eat Jiu-Jitsu, bro. My heart's fucking pumping. I got to go home and calm down. That's how good the Shroom Tech sport is. If you're looking for some more fucking cardio, I mean, I stop smoking dope, so I got more air in there. You know what I'm saying?

But the fucking car, the Shroom Tech sport really takes it to a difference. different level. I'm fucking stoned to the gills. Go to honor.com. See what they got. They got the ropes. They got the kettlebells. They got the fucking alpha brain. Go over there pressing in the box. C-H-U-R-C-H. I hope that's how you're spelling. Knock yourself out. Also, nature box. The healthiest fucking snacks. Set to your fucking house. No drama. You understand me? The fucking mailman knocks. Boom. There you get your body. You're asking questions. Nothing. You can order the pistachios. You can order the sesame sticks.

you can knock yourself the fuck out. My favorite, the cocoa almonds. Tell him, leave it. Bad motherfucker. I never get this one. Shut up, cuck, sucker. I knocked on your door with you. You weren't home. He brought them back.

You brought him back. You got to be the weird ones. You're bringing the pumpkin seeds. Yeah, you like that shit. You like hummus. Keep eating that shit. They're going to fucking take you over there and butt fuck you in the muffler.

And you're going to beat hummus with chips. You know who the Taliban. I'm scared. You're going to keep fucking around with those people. Nature's bars. Go to the box. Pressing what? Joey.

Joey, J-O-E-Y, Nature's Box. Get 50% off your first fucking order. This is nutritionist-approved snacks. I ain't fucking with you. That fucking tremendous when you're stoned. I ain't gonna lie to you. Nature's Box. Naturebox.com.

Tremendurebox. The fucking Naturebox.com. The fucking pistachio, spicy pistachios, but the almonds and cocoa, fucking tremendous. Everything's natural, dog. I ain't fucking around with you. Nailed it life. If you want to smoke wax, nailed it life. If you want to smoke the fucking vapor, nailed it life.

If you want to smoke crack, go fuck your mother. Nailed It Life, tremendous. Go to Naileditlif.com. Tell him Uncle Joey sent you. Get 20% off your fucking first vapor bed. And that's how we do it, Doug. You know what I'm saying? I ain't got time for fucking funning games.

This week, Salt Lake City. Next week, Governor's Tuesday, Friday, Saturday. That's it. You want to plug anything, my brother? Ah, shoot. Yes, I'll be in San Diego. What day? The 26th of June.

What club? American. There you go. American Comedy Club. Nice fucking play. They got pork chops. Go down there. Tell him what came around on, Uncle Joey sent you.

You, they know. They know. Let's go to Live Nation. It's him and Willie Nelson. They're battling out of a fucking summer. You take July off still? No, man. Not this year.

Not this year. Actually, for the next month, it's just, you know, talking about the movie. You're not traveling the next month. No, I'm traveling the entire month, going all over the country, you know, doing my runs to let people. know about the movie. So I mean, it's

time off, but it's not time off. It's time off from performing, but it's not time off from the traveling and staying in the different cities and just getting up early and getting out there and letting people know what's going on. I love you with all my heart, and you know that. You wouldn't be here sitting out. You know how much I love you. You have all the respect

in the world. I would wish you all the luck in the world. You know this movie's going to be tremendous. I assume I'm going to premiere. I'll get you to the police. I wear a suit like a motherfucker shiny shoes. I'll sit next to my watch like a doctor. I'll watch them all night.

You can't eat no fucking cleansed. I love you. Thank you very much for listening to the church. See you Monday. Have a great weekend. Thank you, Martin. Thank you, Joe for bringing them up. Flying Jew. I love you, cocksucker. How bad was the cookie? Did I lie to you?

Yes. You're high, but you're manageable. Well, yeah, because I ate like 75 milligrams. That's right. You got a beautiful shirt on. You just see how Jewish. He ate 75 milligrams. Not 73. How many?

I don't know. I had three quarters of a half. I love you, Cucksucker. You're a savage. You're a bad motherfucker. Look at you. Wigglefoot and put missing persons on Wiggle Fun. Are you going to give them a shout out? Huh? You're going to talk to these people about these products. I was going to. Go ahead. Give me a little shout out.

You bad motherfucker. You look at you. You're solid. You got this loss of the way to San Diego, by the way. I don't give a fuck. Don't worry about San Diego. It was you. Now you want to talk about San Diego a week later. What are you going to bring up the Malaysian plane now? Just read the fucking thing. Now that the show is over, remember to go to naturebox.com

and order great tasting. It'll be snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter in the new year. Just go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. Naturebox.com, promo code Joey. And thank you to nail that life. Imagine Joey Diaz. And Onet.

Onet's not part of this, anyway. Yes, they are. Today they are. Okay. Go to Onet.com. Promocco church. Get it together. Oh, shit. Get a little wiggle for a camera, way.

Oh, shit. What?