The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #183 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: July 26, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Tuesday, July 26th…. This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Better Help & CBD Lion.…. DRAFTKINGS Download the DraftKings SportsBook App & Enter Code: JOEY https://www.DraftKings.com/sportsbook to receive $280 in Free Bets when you Bet $5….   Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook app, and use promo code JOEY to get $100 in free bets when you spend $5 on UFC 277… If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat  (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NH/NJ/NY/OR/ PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. Min. $5 deposit required. Eligibility restrictions apply. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. CBD Lion Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! BETTER HELP Go to https://www.BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Use PROMO CODE: DIAZ for 10% OFF your 1st Month!  Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #CBDLion #BetterHelp #DraftKings #UFC The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It's Tuesday to 26th of motherfucking July. Sorry, we're coming at you late. We're going to do it Monday, but it was too fucking hot. I was down the shore. I was having a good time.

Mike was having a fucking good time. So we said, fuck it. What's Tuesday instead of Monday? You know what I'm saying? It's a beautiful fucking week. It's a hot motherfucking day. Let me tell you some guys.

It has been brutal. But in the, like, guys, look, and build a house, you're going to fucking die. It's going to be hot. You know what I mean? Let's be as honest as we can with each other. If you're going to go out there and walk around and fucking sit still and shit and you have a shade, it's not bad.

Yesterday in my yard, I was back there smoking joints. It was 102 people were passing out. I was back there smoking joints at night. And I'm like, this is fucking delicious. But if I went to the front of the house, I would fucking melt like an icicle, you know. So it's hot. Be careful. I mean, Saturday down the show.

dog I had a great time but I will tell you a part of the day you know I'm gonna hold the gentleman whatever I'm gonna hold the savage now so I mean I was a block not even guys I can't lie to you I was 30 yards away my towel whatever the fucking chair I don't know wherever I was sitting was 30 feet away from where you walked out you know I got to the shore at 11 I went in the water it was fucking freezing but it felt tremendous because it was so hot out but if you're sitting on the beach you know it's just i was sweating a little bit but after a while you're drinking waters you're hydrating you know you're jumping in the water every 30 minutes when i put my feet in the fucking water the first time i thought i was going to pass out it was so goddamn cold at 11 o'clock

i can't lie to you guys i'm not used to all that shit that water was fucking freezing but when i got up at 2 o'clock it was a different story guys i got up i had a chance you chair. You know what a chair weighs two pounds, especially these chairs they give you. It's complimentary chairs at the hotel. They gave me a chair and all I was holding was my phone.

And I gotta tell you, just that 30-foot walk. By the time I got, I mean, when I got up guys, my t-shirt was dry. But the time I got to the sidewalk, I was drenched and I had that fat juice coming out of you like you have sweat and then you have fat juice. That fat

juice is really slippery. sweat just goes down and coats your face and you wipe it off and at first the salt comes out to it burns your eyes but the second load is that sweat from your neck that has like my sugar to juice and fucking clam juice and fat juice and cell juice that shit was fucking thick i only had a walk from and i'm telling you this guy's the straight up i only had to walk maybe another 30 feet and when i got in that air conditioning my t-shirt was drenched from the fucking collar all the way down. I went to the hotel. I drank a fucking liquid IV. I fucking drank maybe two bottles of water. And I relaxed upstairs. And then when the girls came back,

I went to the pool and I felt 100% better. But it was fucking hot. And when I told a friend of mine that, he goes, dog, it was blistering hot. Like people could fucking die out there. Yesterday they showed beaches of beaches, and a lot of them were empty. People were like,

fuck, we're just going to sit inside. Listen, you can't sit inside. You got to go out there and get the sun and the heat. And I'm going to be as honest as I can with you. I went to LBI. I hadn't been an LBI in 40 fucking years. When you were on the beach, yeah, you were hot. But then there was like a little dip to the water.

Like maybe a little dip to the water. They built it up. Oh my God, when you went down there and that water hit your feet, you were fucking cold. I mean, it was like the heat had been removed by like 15 degrees. I never stopped. It was just a wall. Once you dropped into that ocean,

which is maybe a three foot drop, they built it up for the whatever, and then the tide comes back. Guys, it was so fucking nice. I just stood there for like an hour at one point because I'm like, this is better than fucking sitting there like a dunce. But I hadn't been down this.

Listen, I had a plan last year, and my plan was to go to all these shores I hadn't been to it. But after I went to Point Pleasant, I had a bad taste in my mouth. And I grew up in Point Pleasant. I always loved Point Pleasant. Point Pleasant is like a family fucking beach, you know.

But when I went there last year, it was bumper-to-bumper people. I smelt fucking blunts and weed from every fucking direction. You know, and listen, guys, you know me. I'm a fucking savage. I don't usually give a fuck what you do. I don't give a fuck if you shoot heroin in front of me. I really don't. I would never say nothing to you.

I get it. I'm with you. but there's a time and a place I swear to God you know there's a time and a place for everything listen I'm not here to fucking ruin your party you go to New York City

they got people over there they have street charges so people charge their phones to go on YouTube and you porn and they're fucking whacking off right in the fucking street you know for a year during the pandemic New York City police

cannot arrest you of your shooting drugs on the street San Francisco has shooting galleries you know where you go in and it's safe for you and people fighting those things. Again, I don't want to get into this right now, guys. I'm just trying to tell you that

if you want to fucking do Kuoluz, there's a sure for you. If you want to get fucking gang raped, there's a sure for you. If you want to fuck a bunch of people, there's a sure for you. You want to get drunk, this is a sure for you. But if you're a mic and you want to bring your two kids down and you don't want to hear fuck you

every three words, there's family beaches. You know, so you could pick whatever the fuck you want. So when I got back here last year. My first impression was to go to Point Pleasant because it was fucking great when I was growing up. It was a paradise. They got Jenkinsons, they got fucking...

It's just great. And I gotta tell you, I still liked the shore, but it was fucking packed on a weekend. So now when I go down to Point Pleasant, I just go during the week at night, get something to eat. I go down there, Uncle Vinnie's. Uncle Vinny's is on Point Pleasant. They do other comedy down there on Tuesdays,

but I fuck with Uncle Vinnie's. You know what I'm saying? That's it. But, yeah, when you go to Point Pleasant, the last time I went, it was scattered. And I got to tell you something, there were people everywhere. It was just too much for Uncle Joey. So I was like, I get it. You know, a lot has changed in 40 fucking years, Joey. Everybody goes down the shore.

You know, it's like why you can't go to Long Island on the weekend. Like, I won't even book a date out there. I told Linda Rawe would call her for a Thursday night, which I am going to. I want to go to Long Island. I miss it. Maybe do one of those clubs out there. But you got it at Long Island on Friday and Saturday? It's a four-hour drive.

It's four hours for me to get to the beach. Everybody in this area either goes to Long Island now or the fucking Jersey Shore. That's where they go. I mean, it is so fucking congested down at the shores. So we were going to go to Cape May. I've been to Cape May. Fucking beautiful. You know, family beach.

I'll tell you what. You're going to drop some loot. You go to Cape May. They ain't fucking around. None of these places are fucking around. Like, they're just not fucking around. Like, you go to Point Pleas and get a nice hotel room. You go to Seaside.

Again, you go to seaside. You're going to hear fuck noises in your room with your kids. People are going to be fucking having orgies and shit. Pot room is going to be coming into the events. There's sand everywhere. You know, so these, but it's fun. This is what I told my wife. Like, last week, what happened was we have family,

and they invited us down to Tuckerton, right? We go down there a lot. It's just a plane, fucking Jane, short town. They don't have a beach. They just have an inlet. But people live there to save $300,000 and they drive to LBI and just get the fucking beach. It's the same thing, you know?

So we were going to go down to Tunkerton on Friday, and then I saw it was going to be burning hot. I thought my wife, I go, listen, it's going to be a hot fucking weekend. I don't want to just go to the pool and not see anybody. Fuck everything. let's just go down Friday, hang out with them,

and get a fucking hotel on Saturday and stay until Sunday. That was the plan. I was going to come back at 10 o'clock Sunday. We were going to come back. But then the Tucketam people, who I love to death the gallows, you know, they were like, listen, we're going to have a full fucking house. You could stay Friday night. Don't have to get a hotel and just get a hotel Saturday.

But when we went on line, my wife's like, I can't get a hotel. So I was like, you know, like I told you motherfuckers, when you want to book a flight or you want to get a hotel. hotel you call uncle joey okay i'll sift through it she gave up she came down she's like i checked you know lbi i checked monolokin i check surf city there's nothing down there i go what hotel do you want to stay at she goes hotel i'll be i go let's call because all you motherfuckers that settle on the computer you're fucking retarded okay you go on there and you see the prices and you do everything on the computer fuck you i want my fucking facts right i don't want no miss

understandings with Travelocity and none of that shit. You book with Travelocity try canceling, try getting your money back, good fucking luck. So all that shit is just fucking bullshit. So I just called the hotel and I go, listen man, we're looking for a room for the weekend right away. She goes, we just

had three cancellations. They're not going to put them on the computer guys. They're not going to put them on the computer a couple fucking, a year ago when I went to LA to go to the dentist and the heart doctor. What happened? I got locked out. Remember? Every fucking website I went on.

I couldn't get a flight out of LA. I picked up the phone. I called fucking whatever that program I belonged to JetBlue. And they're like, oh, what a surprise. A ticket just opened up. A ticket always opens up, cock suckers. They're just not going to give it to you on that fucking computer. I don't want you to take shit for granted.

So I called and when I gave my wife the phone and I go, how much is it for two nights? My wife goes, wow. She just put her hand on the phone. She goes, wow, Joey, they want a lot of money. Terry, what am I going to do? You want to sit here like a fucking dunce? It's like we can't take a fucking plane trip.

I had three people, four people, taking a flight on fucking Friday. You ready for this? Two of their flights got canceled. One motherfucker got delayed like eight hours and the other one, Jimmy Florentine, was on time. Like nothing happened. Jimmy was like, nothing happened.

In fact, we got here early. So you never know what the fuck's going to happen. But I'm not flying for that reason. They just, hey, everybody gets lucky that we before he was he was fucking held back for 16 hours so you're always going to have something so I'm not going nowhere so I said what are we going to do we're just going to sit here all fucking summer I mean we're driving in the fucking North Carolina but that's in August or some shit late August or something like that and now my wife telling me we might not even stay in North

Carolina for the full week she's like I don't think so we're going to fucking leave here drive yeah go to Delaware see my family shoot down North Carolina maybe on the way back, fucking stop up, but back to the fucking shore. I mean, so we got down there Friday. We had a little barbecue with my friend's house. He made some sausage and peppers. I played with the kid. We went crabbing.

I saw fucking, I never seen this before in my life, guys. And don't get me wrong, I don't want to say the bird because I might say the bird wrong. But you're sitting there. I'm sitting there. I got fucking, you know, 300, I got like 700 milligrams of THC and me. A baby on your lab. Oh, I called Stoner's Kitchen.

They got some good fucking edibles, guys. If you're in Jersey and you want some nice fucking weed, but some fucking great edibles, those 350 milligram gummies they have will put you on another planet. They have an almond bar, like an almond joy with almonds and coconut. Oh, my God. And they got a fucking ice cream cake or wedding cake. Ooh, Lordy.

So I had some medals with me. The baby went upstairs, my wife went upstairs. They're talking about going over the check-in. I'm just sitting there. It's like 4.30. Beautiful fucking day. I'm just looking at LBI because from whatever. Anyway, it doesn't matter.

I see a fucking bird. What type of bird is? I have no idea. He's a big guy, like, you know, I don't know, three feet. And he jumps on the fucking on the dock. Guys, I've never seen this before. I'm sorry. He fucking had something in his mouth.

And he just fucking slammed it on the floor. was a crab. And they try to... Yeah, they crack them open. I thought it was a gunshot. I'm like, what is this bird doing with a fucking 22? I'm like, what the fuck is going on? He just smashed it.

And then they smash it, they kill it. Or they break the shell and they eat the meat out of it. Dog, I was fucking blown away. I saw a couple things down there. Another time I was just sitting there and we had the cages in there. And I guess one of the crap, one of the fucking crabs got out of the cat. I don't know. Something happened.

One of the crabs didn't go in the cage. He was walking on top of the cage. and I'm looking, also the bird is just flying around. All of some, this motherfucker just crashed into the water and took out this little fucking, and you just see this little wing holding on. I'm like, holy fuck, fuck shark week. This is a lot better than fucking shark week.

I didn't see any sharks. I didn't see shit, but we got to drop the story on you here. So when I went to see Fonkin enter the dragon with Ari, part of the deal was I was going to go over there and bring him some tremendous rifa, but he was going to give me some shroomish. So he gave me a couple shrooms, so I was just saving it for the right fucking night.

So Friday night, I figured, you know, what am I doing down here? I'm not doing shit. You know what I'm saying? I'm just breathing. So before dinner, I took the mushrooms and meat of dinner. And every time I took a bite of the fucking roasted clams or the fucking whatever I was eating,

I don't even know what I ate. We had appetizers, like clams on a half shell and shrimp cocktail. Like we split it six ways. Nobody was really hungry. But I kept eating an appetize and popping a fucking mushroom cap. I would eat a fucking clam and pop one of those fucking wings. I ended up popping like five of those fucking things, those stems.

Stems are one cap. And I'm like, nothing's hitting me, you know? So I'm sitting there. I'm having a good time. It's like fucking six people were giggling. My daughter's there. She's torturing my friend. And all of a sudden, the fucking waiter comes up to me.

He's like, hey man, can we take a picture of you? whatever and he had like a great people great food great restaurant at the hotel i bii but i like he had like a hair like he had like a little pompadour kind of thing and when i was looking at him i could see the pompadour start to move and he's like can we take a picture and i'm like oh shit these fucking mushrooms are starting already woo we took the picture and shit and then i started fucking laughing uncontrollably like anybody who told me a joke or something i couldn't fucking contain myself. I felt like a fucking asshole.

I kept giggling and giggling and giggling. And then I went upstairs. And I'm like, all right, now it's going to get good. So I waited for my daughter fall asleep. I rolled the fucking nice joint. I put some keef in that motherfucker. I smoked it. Then nothing happened.

I got a little stoned. I laid down. I peed like four times. And that was it. What the fucking mushroom made me was itchy as fuck. But I got the giggles and all that stuff. I just didn't get to fucking, I didn't get to see anything. But don't worry about Argentina.

I got some motherfuckers saved up. I'm going to blast them. Because now I know, listen, I'm a big cup of coffee. You know what I'm saying? So, like, I've only been fucked up on mushrooms one time, and it was in Colorado. It was many years ago. But I got a batch of fucking diarrhea, so I never really, I got three hits of acid that my man sent me when he sent me this shirt that I've been holding on to two. But the acid that you do now get your high for three hours,

you get like that strong. For two hours, you'll get like a streak or something. It's not the shit that used to make me fucking see the devil, you know. But I got a little high and I just passed out. It wasn't, I wanted to see the devil. You know me, dog. I'm always up for seeing something. Or hearing a new language, something I haven't listened to before.

You know, I'm always up for something. But, nah, it didn't fucking work out. We just went to the beach and we went back, you know, I told you I didn't feel good. So I went back to the pool and did my liquid IV. And then the moms came back, like six moms came back, a bunch of fucking kids. We just started ordering pizzas and fucking wings and all this shit. But let me tell you something. I told Lee, I called Lee right away and I go Lee because Lee likes this shit.

There was a pizza that we ordered, a spicy sausage pizza. They had, I guess the, you know, it was like little bar pizzas, you know? So they ordered like a Nona pizza, a grandma pizza, a cheese pizza, and the spicy Sicilian. I don't really want to, I don't know, I'm kind of burnt out on pizza, but the spicy sausage, I go, let me try it. Dog, when I taste it that fucking pizza, it blew up in my mouth. All right, you bad motherfuckers, and now for a word from our sponsors. Listen, you have to take care of your mind. We spend a lot of time taking care of our skin, getting sun tans,

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So go to betterhelp.com, pressing code Diaz, D-I-A-Z, and I'm going to get you 10% off the first month. Now back to the joint. It was the finest fucking pizza I've ever tasted in my life. Ready for this?

And you guys know I hate a lot of shit. I'm going to break it down for you. They had nice cheese, nice Italian sausage, spicy, and they put a little chorizo for flavoring in that month. motherfucker, but here's the clinker. They put a white sauce on it with little pieces of corn in it.

At first I looked at it and I'm like, here we go. I'm in fucking Whiteville with this pizza with corn on it. I took a taste of it. I thought my head was going to fucking blow up. It was delicious. I had like three slices. I call Lee. Because Lee's coming, August fucking tent to spend a fucking week down here with his girlfriend

to go to the beach and shit. So I go, Lee. You got to stop over there and get a fucking slice of that pizza. I don't care what they charge you. They had like an arugula pizza. All of them were pretty fucking good. But you think, do you really think you'd ever hear me say a pizza with corn would be good? I never even thought I would fucking bite into it.

But I just had an inkling about it. It just looked different. Fucking tremendous, man. And that was it. That was, we hung out with the moms and the kids. You know, it's funny because I tell everybody, My life is not about me right now. My entertainment is doing this, going to Jiu-Jitsu,

and smoking a bong hit a couple nights a week. I get giggly. I have no entertainment. When I tell people this, they don't understand what I'm doing. I'm not dead. I'm not dead yet. I'm not saying that I'm dead, but I'm saying that anything I wanted to really fucking do,

I did it already. So right now my shot is over. Right now my life is in the hands of the youth. I look at the fucking youth. You know, when it comes to comedy, I look at Shane Gillis, and I look at these young comics. But when I'm trying to point out is, it's not about me. It's about my daughter. It's about my daughter and her little fucking friends.

You know, I already had my mic, you know, we did it all. I said, what do you want us to do? We bring back Led Zeppelin, what do you want us to regroup fucking Van Halen and go on the road with Sammy Hagar or day? I mean, what can you do right now? For me, I'm pretty content with what I had. I mean, I like to start a business if I could or something like that. saying I'm dead, but my life is not about me anymore. It's about those fucking kids and bringing a smile to that face. You know, when I was a kid, man, my mother was involved in a ton of shit

and, you know, we had the bar and the numbers and all this weirdness going around. But one thing about my mother was, she always went out of her fucking way for me to have a good summer. I really got to tell you guys that. She went out of her fucking way. And I thank her for that. I thank her for teaching me that quality. Her summers were about the kids, period. Everything in her world slowed down a little bit. Her fucking drinking, her fucking working at the bar, and she paid attention to kids.

I remember being in the sixth grade in North Bergen, and it being the summer going into seventh grade, and me and my buddies would go up to the bar, and she would fucking put like a fountain outside for us, like a Puerto Rican hula hoop, like, you know, all these little, There were nothing. It was like a hose with a can to give it like a fucking effect.

And she would set up balls for us to throw with a ball and put a target on the wall just so we could have things. But not only that, she always made sure I had a fucking vacation. Like she always made sure, like, where are you going this year? I don't, we'd start talking about it like in fucking April. Like for that vacation, she'd go, what are you thinking of doing this summer? And I would either pick California with my uncle. I would pick nine out of ten, I'd pick my. Miami with my cousins, but one thing I remember, and I told my daughter, I go, listen, man, we're going to start coming down here a little more.

Because my fondest memories of a child are going to fucking Miami Beach and us being in like a mediocre hotel, you know, like, I don't know, because there was a lot of us. It was me, my three cousins, other cousins, other friends. It was like 30 of us in a hotel. So instead of getting like a castaways and getting a whole floor, they would get a little lower hotel. I forget what the name of it was. It was like the castaways, the Newport. I stayed at all those hotels on Miami Beach except one time or another when we went on vacation. But as I got older, we would always stay at this certain hotel.

And my fondest fucking memory, I remember just walking to the Newport. I don't know if you guys are familiar with Miami Beach, not South Beach, Miami Beach. I'm too old for fucking South Beach. I grew up on Miami Beach. And I would walk to the east. end of the pool, me and my cousins, it'd be like nine of us. And our job, starting at 10 o'clock, was to jump in all the pools at the hotel and get chased.

This might not sound like fun to you, motherfuckers. But when you're eight and nine, it's a lot of fucking fun. You know, it's a lot of fun to fucking just swim all day. So we'd jump in the pool and go to that one until a lifeguard would throw us out. and then we go into another one, the one right next door to it, and then they throw us out. Then we'd jump in the beach and come up into the other hotel through the cones because they'd put cones to separate the hotels,

and we would jump into that pool, and we'd get in like six pools by lunchtime. Then we'd run all the way home, eat lunch, and then run back to the pool we fucking, and then we'd go to the castaways, and they had seven pools. So your goal was only at the castaways. They had seven fucking pools, all right? That's how big that hotel was.

So our job just wasn't to jump into one fucking pool. Our job was to jump into all seven fucking pools at the castaway. And they would catch us by like the fifth pool, so we would have to do it again the next day. And the motherfucker, what the fuck? I just drew you guys out yesterday. We don't give a fuck. We're coming back to that.

I mean, we would cause havoc down there in Miami beaches. And then we'd end up at our hotel. And my uncle, Rodolfo, God bless his soul, this is the clinker. You ready? We would be with him for two weeks. and then he would disappear for like five days to do business. But when he'd come back that third week on Thursday, like we wouldn't see him from like maybe Monday to Thursday,

when we'd see him on Thursday, he would fucking pull up to the beach with the boat. And we would have to swim out to him, and he would pull us on the boat. And then we'd go out fishing and we catch fish. And I still remember fishing with him and getting seasick and like puking everywhere as a kid and all the kids were making fun of me.

Look, pukey, I'm puking. And I've never forget, like I just put my head up for something, and the Radoffo goes, how about a piece of fish? I'm like, what the fuck? Like, that's my best memories of growing up. So I'm like, I told Mercy of this. She goes, why are we going down to show? I go, because this is what we do.

Like, I even forgot about it. I forgot. Guys, my head has been so far up my ass for the last 30 years. I've been so busy with whatever the fuck was in front of me that I never even thought of my life. I didn't even remember. these stories about Miami as a kid going down there listening to the fucking Eagles for the first time like, oh yeah.

And like sniffing a beer and like getting all fucked up like just from sniffing a beer. Like that's what it is to be a fucking kid, man. You know, and I see, and I know the world is a different place. The United States, you know, there's people that aren't doing that well right now that can't go down there. I mean, I couldn't afford the fucking show every week. it would bust you, Jack. They ain't fucking around down there, guys.

You know, they charge the $6, $700 a night for a fucking hotel. That's a lot of fucking money, guys. But, you know, you're chipping with your friends, and you could still make a day out of it. You know, we all fucking put in money, and we all made the fucking best of what we can. You know, but when it comes to the summers and shit, it's about your kids.

It's not about me no more. I don't even have a life anymore. You know, I do some stand-up, I have a good time. You know, I'll tell you, I had a great friend. fucking time last week. If you guys came to any of the shows, you know, man, I don't know. It took a while for me to get going and I'm happy it did. I'm happy I didn't push it out there. Like I told you guys, I could have just gone on the road, charged you 30 bucks and gone up there and didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to do that. I really wanted to start over from scratch and have a good

time doing it. This week I had a fucking great time. If you came to Uncle Vinnie's Wednesday, it was great and the Stress Factory, man, that's a great club. And I love that club. And I love that club. I'm going to put another date together for August But I'll tell you why I love that club StressFra I love both those clubs I wouldn't be doing them as much as I do I love the Stress Factory because it's a great date night They got great fucking restaurants in the area

You could go to cousins You go to stage 85 You go to salt You go to the stage I mean if you're going with a date or something One of my friends went He called me back when I left He goes dog I went

I found a Spanish restaurant I didn't even know it was Spanish people in New Brunswick, never mind the Spanish restaurant. So it's just a great place. And Uncle Vinny's is great because you're down the fucking shore. Right there. You leave there at 9.30. You're a half hour of the seaside.

You're down there. You can just stay in Point Pleasant. Go to Jerkinson's. Get a fucking cocktail. They got tons of fucking... I love all that shit, you know. I still haven't gone into the city yet. I've gotten my fucking...

I just got my dates. Five dates for the... for New York City. So I'll bust those out to you in a couple fucking days to get you guys ready to go. The first show at the Sony Theater starts September 17th. And I'm excited, man. But this week, like all I'm doing with stand-up right now, I'm taking. This is what I forced myself to do.

First off, I want to thank you guys for holding me to Thursday nights. I think I completed eight Thursdays in a row. We had none for a while. So now we have eight in the row this week. Hopefully I'll make it nine. Every Thursday, I got to go out and find the fucking spot. That's the deal we made. So that's been working.

But I thought about something. I went up on stage the other than that with just one fucking joke. I was going to, I looked at 40 minutes in the weirdest way. I just looked at it with one joke. I just came out and said, let's get this out of the way. What about the transgender guy they put in the jail? And he ended up fucking two chicks and knocked them up. and I think everybody knew what the fuck I was talking about

because everybody just looked at me like, what the fuck? And if you guys don't know the story, I guess last week somewhere in Jersey, they discovered that there was a transgender dude who they put him in the women's jail because he said he was a woman, but he forgot to fucking disclose that he still had a 10-inch cock and he impregnated two fucking girls in there.

So now they put him on the juvenile whatever. And it was just funny because everybody always says, You know, again, I appreciate what's going on in life now. Things are changing, but I think the change is a little, has been a little too quick. And I think that we're getting ahead of ourselves as Americans and everybody's making a big splash about something. You know, a Patreon guy hit me up. And he goes, Joy, I went to Uncle Vinnie's. I kind of got upset, not really with trans material.

And I'm like, listen, if you listen to my whole set, I didn't pull a Dave Chappelle. I just went up there and talked about this situation, this particular situation. And then after all my transgender jokes, if I do them, this week I also tell the story of the kid that my daughter was friends with that his parents had done the, his mother had went from being a man to a woman. And then they invited me to a birthday party. And I was a little upset. I was like, I'm not going to that tranny party and shit. they might shoot me with esterol or something like that, estrogen or some shit. But then when I went to the party, I realized that he was an adopted kid.

And whatever these people are, they gave this kid a fucking home. And if I'm the real deal, Holyfield, I should be happy for them adopting him. And that's what happened. I saw all these adopted little kids, because they had like a transgender community. I saw all these adopted little kids and the smile on their faces. and what differences it make. Who adopted them? Whether they're transgender,

Martians, whatever the fuck they are, they saved the little boy's life. So I looked at it from that way. And I ended up becoming friends with those parents. They were great fucking people. I mean, the last 18 months I was in L.A., I would see them and speak to them, and they would hug me and we'd talk.

I loved the little boy. Marvin, that was his name. Fucking Marvin. Cudest little boy you ever seen in your life. Look like fucking Steve McQueen. blonde hair and beautiful fucking blue eyes. So I tell that story

and then people lighten up a little bit but I didn't say it in a bad way I'm not looking to be Dave Chappelle by no way, by no means. I just thought, you know, comedy is how my world crashes with the rest of the world and I think that my joke was

well wait a second. You know these people like when I bumped into the transgender mom who said well she wasn't a transgender but she was like a cheerleader whatever for it and she was telling me how she wanted to, you know, her son always wanted to be a woman, you know, and I could understand that.

But what happened at this jail was, this guy decided one day he wanted to be a woman, and what ended up happening, he ended up fucking two chicks, so he forgot. You know, I also thought that when you claimed transgender, you had already cut your dick off. So I did not know this. Now, maybe I'm not knowledgeable enough, maybe I'm a little ignorant. of what's going on here, but I still feel the same no matter fucking what. What if that's your daughter in a bathroom and he comes into a woman's bathroom? Remember that was a big issue for a while?

Same back, there you go. That's my vote right there. No, no, no. And I'm being honest with you guys. No, no, no. Because everybody said that that would happen. Okay, that might be once in a million. He might be a rotten apple.

You know what I'm saying? But just because of that case, I'm not going to fucking, I'm not going to approve that shit. You cannot, I don't mind you going to that bathroom, but you got to cut your dick off. And I'm not saying this in a funny fucking way. You got to go straight through the fucking surgery. You can't tell me that you feel like a woman.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to hear that shit. You either all percent in, and then you go into a woman's bathroom or the woman's correction. And they took the guy after he, whatever, fucked the two chicks and knocked him up, and they put him in a juvenile detention place.

Again, how the fuck do you feel? he's got a 30 year sentence for murder he ain't going nowhere so he could keep now the reason why he's transgender because he knows in general pop they'll stab him both sides of his necks they don't play that shit in general pop you know and if they do he's got a suck dick or whatever I don't know how it works when I was in jail there was a couple fags in there like not fags but those people put wigs on and eyeline and a dress and they get beat up I don't know I used to just be nice to the guys and give them extra food on the line, but they get beat up.

It's just a life of fucking horror in jail. When you go in there with a wig and eyeliner and shit, either you're fucking all in. You know, it's just a fucking crazy world we're living in now. And, you know, they fucking cancel Chappelle at that club in Minneapolis where Prince shot his Purple Rain videos or the special he did. I don't know. and people upset about that.

But listen, man, this is going to be the new norm. I mean, I'm not going to say the names of the clubs, but there's a couple clubs that are already working woke. I can't go in there. I got no woke material. I don't want to be woke. I don't want to be in that fucking situation, you know. It's so funny how I see this woke thing.

I don't know. Guys, when I've been in Jersey now for two years, and I've seen that. I went down to Tuckerton. this weekend. And while we were there, I was talking to my friend, and the neighbor lady is a very granolaish lady. She's what we call a gentile. And it was funny that she was talking about the woman next door, not in a negative way, but she was saying all her like her little fucking faults, like, you know, she does this, she overreacts. And I'm like, she's a Gentile.

You know, that's what you call a Gentile in New Jersey. You know, and it's like, when I left New Jersey, there was very few Gentiles here. They were all roughnecks. The Gentiles were in the village. That's where you got all that amazing and all that. You know, that's where Yokohono was great. You know, listen, you're not a fan of Yoko Ono. You'll never be a fan of Yoko Ono.

I know one of her performances rattled you, but Yoko Ono's got no fans. Nobody ever said, I love Yoko Ono music. But when I was growing up, these Gentiles in the village, they loved Yoko on. You know, they would tell you right out. You don't know what you're talking about. Yoko Ono's brilliant. Okay, you know, because they have that little... Like L.A.

Yeah, like that little faggy fucking community. Last night I was watching 60 Minutes. And they were interviewing this chick that's into sounds and noises. Did you watch 60 Minutes? Oh, it's about... I don't know what her name is. In fact, she had a hit in 1980 on MTV. And it's just a chick that does, you know, electronic noises and shit.

Well, she ended up being married to Lou Reed. She married Lou Reed before She would marry them for like 20 years You know and they showed Lou Reed music like Lou Reed performing Oh God That is fucking bad That is really bad

I know there's a lot of Lou Reed fans out there I don't mean to insult you But I'm just trying to make a point here Like Lou Reed Lou Reed was music for certain people If you like that shit I didn't like that shit There's certain music that I sit there

And I go there's no way anybody likes this music. They like this music to be different. To be away from the regular people. Like they don't want to be somewhere at a party. Somebody said at a party, somebody goes, we don't listen to Led Zeppelin. We don't listen to commercialized music.

And these guys run with it. Trust me what I'm telling you, how it works. And now it's like constant, you know, we don't listen to that. We listen to, you know, Yoko Ono and Lou Reed. Well, fucking Lou Reed was fucking terrible, you know. And this is what I'm saying to you people. There's this.

And now those people who like Lou Reed, they're all over New York. Like those people who would have liked New Reed. They're all over fucking New York. When I went to that movie theater with Ari, I saw fucking creatures in the night in there with tight shorts. And they're trying to fucking be somebody. And you know what, guys, listen, when I was a young man, I was confused.

I had my little shortcomings and all this shit. but there's people that you see constantly they're so different that they feel it they feel insecure I mean if you don't think I felt insecure I feel insecure

all the fucking time I am the most insecure fucking person out there I feel insecure around intelligent people I feel insecure about a ton of situation that you put me in

but that doesn't mean that I'm gonna be something I'm not like I went to the fucking Philly game. And I'm sitting there and I see this girl walk by with blue hair, the whole fucking, the whole I need attention package. That's what I call it. It's the I need attention package.

And when you don't get attention doing that, then you push the extreme. You go, well, I didn't get attention doing that. I'm going to do this and get more attention. And you see these people. Whatever the fuck they do with the 22 earrings and their eyeballs, whatever the fuck they do. And you look at them and they go, hey, different folks for different folks, that's not me. But I feel sometimes those people fucking just yelling for fucking attention. And if they don't get it, they'll keep pushing, pushing, pushing, pushing more.

It's really a mental health issue at times. Yes, I do believe that there are people that wake up every morning and go, man, I feel like a woman. I want to give birth. I want to do it. And trust me, I've had this conversation with a few people. That's how I learned about this. but I think now, and it's like what Bill Maher said a couple weeks ago,

it's like the hip thing to do. Like, I didn't get you with this, I didn't get you with that. I'm going to become transgender. Okay, I understand where you're coming from, but do me a fucking favor. Do the full operation. You can't go around telling people you're a woman, and if you've got a dick, and then you're going to switch back. You can't do that.

It's like me saying, I'm this and then I switch back. You guys are going to get sick of it. And that's what I get sick of. But I've always felt that, like when I was a kid, it was always, I don't know, they wanted to do different things to feel different. And I get it. I know what it is to feel insecure or whatever, but I'm not going to do something or be something. I'm not just to get that.

That's why I tell people all the time, don't use people. Don't use people, you know, don't ever use anybody. I did one time and it stayed with me forever and I hated myself forever. I didn't know. I wasn't in love with this person. and we got put together and I didn't fucking, then you, we could always say, you can always say, you know what,

I don't love this person, but in time I'll get to love this person. No, you don't. No, you don't. I love you very early on or I fucking don't love you. I'm not going to get to love you more in fucking time. Yeah, I love my wife more.

I've been with it for 20 years, but my initial love for her was for her. And then over the fucking 20 years, yeah, and it got harder. We went through different things, but love is love. And it's so weird how, I see these people.

And it's, listen, if they were confused people before the fucking pandemic, what do you think is going on now? I mean, you want to see mental health issues, just pop up Instagram on any fucking day.

You know, the great Rudy Sazo once told me that music, entertainment, film, all that shit, there's a thin line between that and mental illness. And I knew it.

Hey, I'm not the fucking most sharpest guy, the world either, you know what I'm saying? But there's a big disconnect. And now after the pandemic, I'm seeing it. I'm seeing millionaires acting fucking desperate, you know? So I don't know where I'm getting that. I just wanted to talk to you guys.

It's a beautiful fucking Monday. You guys are going to get this on a Tuesday. But I don't know, after that situation that I wanted to bring that to the stage because I wanted to get a joke out of it. But it's really not a joke if you really think about it. And I tried to turn it into a joke, and that's what we do. That's what comedy is. My world collides with everything, and I got to give it color.

You know, when you get married, there's nothing funny about getting married. You ever tell somebody I'm getting married? Then I'm go, ha, ha, ha, ha. No, but describe your wedding to them. Describe your particular wedding to him. I was talking to my nephew. You got married in June 7th or something. June 13th.

I don't know what the fuck the date is. The hall he had had a pond in the back. You know, three people fell in that pond during the wedding, including the fucking photographer. The photographer has taken pictures and he kept walking back and he just fell into the fucking wedding. You follow me? When he told me the story, he added that color. And he broke, he's a funny guy, my nephew. And I was fucking dying on the phone.

If anybody else would, I could have said, hey, he just, three people fell on the thing. Like I told you, I wasn't there, so I can't describe the fall. His father fell on the water. The photographer and one of the, one of the, one of the. his wife's uncles or something fell on the fucking thing. I don't even know how he got to this. But, no, it was surreal. I don't like what's going on.

And listen, guys, I'm not going to jump on the bandwagon about that type of material. But those type of jokes, I have to look at and have to address them. That's my fucking world. It's not that I don't hate anybody. I'm too old. Listen, guys, I don't give a fuck anymore. Are you guys not listening to me? I am in the best position for Stan.

up. In about a year, you guys are going to read something on Twitter, on Instagram, how I got thrown out of a club. And that's the end of my career. I don't, I can get less after that. Because I have nothing to fight for. I'm just trying to be funny. I'm just working to be the funniest motherfucker out there. I don't care about Netflix specials. I don't give a fuck if you put me in your festival. I don't give a fuck if I go to Montreal. I don't give a fuck if I'm the comic of the year. All that's bullshit. I just want to be funny. And that's why we started getting into this. So if you got insulted at the shows at the Stress Factory

or whatever, I know nobody got insulted because nobody gets insulted at my fucking shows. I don't allow it. I don't give a fuck. You're not going to... This is Jersey bitch. Okay? If you're easily to offend, then go mend the sweater. Go to a fucking... Go to a fucking...

What do you call those people? Go to watch a Snoopy movie. But I don't go out to offend people. I'm just trying to be funny and to have a good fucking time. I got no dates for you, motherfuckers. All I got is September 17th

at the motherfucker in Sony Theater in New York City. I'm going to approve the dates tonight and get them out to you guys. And that's it and that's that, brother. I'm having a great time. I'm sorry. I'm late with the podcast this week. Wednesday, we got a guest. Thursday

we'll get it. Why not? I don't want to release it Wednesday morning. So you got today, Tuesday, and you got Thursday. Then we're back on schedule. next fucking week. Thank you for watching Uncle Joey's joint. And don't forget, we got a big fucking UFC card this weekend. So stay black, coxuckers.

I love you. Have a great weekend. I'll see you guys Thursday. Tip Top Magoo. Liquid Ivy. All right, I want to thank you guys for listening. Do not forget UFC 277 and Draft King is the official sports betting partner of UFC. Listen, they got a tremendous offer this week.

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I'll see you Thursday morning. Tip, Todd Magoo. Stay black.