The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #185 - Joey Diaz, Ms. Pat and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 9, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian, the hilarious Miss Pat. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 06/08/2014.

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They have all your sensory deprivation tanks that are already going to save you thousands. But if you mention the church of what's happening now, or Joey Diaz, or Miss Pat, you're going to save an additional $250 off. Oh, shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what? I could feel it in my fucking bones. It's the church of what's happened now. Special edition, June 8th, 2014.

The day the devil was fucking tortured at sea. They took his eyeball out. Fuck that cocksucker. What, Lee? Play that motherfucker for Uncle Joey. What? Wiggle, cocksucker. Throw down.

Come on, baby. What? This is the real shit right here. Fuck Game of Thrones. There you go right here. There you go. Fuck game of drones. Listen to this shit.

You think this guy's not ready to sling dick on a Sunday? Listen to that fucking saxophone. Oh shit. This guy shows up, balls-ass naked with a saxophone. Listen to him, you mania. What? What, Lee? Oh shit.

Oh shit. This is a fucking jam and a half, man. I was a kid when this fucking thing came. My mom. My line music plays in the bar at night. Motherfuckers would go crazy. She'd mixing, like, Spanish music, they would go fucking bananas. Mosomah.

Mosomah! What the fuck? Turn that shit off, Lee. Mosomah! What the fuck does that mean? I don't care. Sunday night, we'll hear Lee Syatt and my girl. Miss Pat, you motherfuckers want it? There you go. You got it's how we drop it here. Miss Pat, don't fuck around. She got frequent fly her mouth.

She said, fuck it. I sit in the back of the United playing eat peanuts like a motherfucker. Eat penis. I got a pad and fucking glasses. I work this motherfucker. I ain't no penis. I got diabetes.

Really? Yeah, them things. No, they're too salty. You ain't never ate a penis? I eat penis, but I don't have diabetes. Oh, I thought you said penis. No, peanuts. Oh, okay.

Peanuts, peanuts. Oh, I eat peanuts. I don't eat peanuts. I would never disrespect you like that. Oh, okay. I was like, no penis. It's a pleasure having it. Maybe when I was in the 7th grade, but not now.

No, no. I'm a cool mama. What's up, Mosulma. My main man, Lysayat, the Flying Jew. Look at him. Yeah. I watched the video back of Alpha Robles. Oh.

You look fucked up. I was just dead. You can't keep doing this no more. You got to go to rehab. You had my favorite tweet of probably the century today. What's that? When you went off about people sending your pictures of hummus? Oh, it's a nightmare.

I don't want to see that shit. I don't like coming back. See, it's a payback. It's karma. Karma's a motherfucker. When I was a kid, there was a dude I used to run with. He hated the smell of vinegar. He would fucking go crazy if you smell vinegar. What would we do?

We take a piece of paper and put vinegar and put in like six different locations in his office. This motherfucker would come in and go there's vinegar in here, and he would run out getting his car and go home. He would miswork. Somebody put vinegar in now. I'm not coming back until they send a fucking clean lady. He would lose his mind. I was the king of that shit.

And he hated cocaine. So if we didn't have vinegar, We get cocaine packages and put like a fishing line on it and put it in front of him and like play with it and he would lose his fucking mind. Or put aspirin in it and make believe it was fake and he'd open it up and it'd drive him crazy. Who's doing coke around here?

Oh, he was crazy. Who the fuck is doing coke around here? I'll fire everybody. He was the boss? Yeah, his name is Wayne Means, cool motherfucker. So he didn't like cocaine and clean vaginas? No, he didn't like cocaine. He was a ex-biker.

He was a very interesting dude. He was a biker in the winter. time and in the summertime he'd come back and he'd be a father and he hook up with his wife for six months, then for six months. He was broke back mountain. No, he was a fucking real hardcore biker dog like with a

fucking troop that ran speed or something because he made money those six months. He did something those six months. He had to do something. Leaving and come back in six months. He was white, right? Yeah. We don't get a fuck. If our men's gone six months, you're going to get a warrant taking out on you. Child

supporter some. I don't get a fuck. You better sell dope and come home like a regular job unless you're in jail. You got to show up and shit for dinner. Fuck yeah. What's happening, Ms. Pat? Nothing. Thank you for having me.

No, listen, man, it was popular demand, and sometimes you've got to get the people what they want. People always tweet me once or twice. I said, I'll put this guy on. Whatever, once I saw you, I'm like, that's my girl. We've got to put something together. I didn't know you all the way in Indy. I would have sent Lee to...

Are you in Atlanta? I'm in Indie. Oh, you're in Indie and shit. How far from? in Indiana? I'm right outside by the airport. I always want to go back to Indiana. When I was again, I wanted to move to Monty.

I swear to God, I want to be like Michael Jackson. Then. Michael ain't from Monce. He's from Gary. Gary, same shit, a different smell. You know what I'm saying? No, Gary, they kill your ass. Fuck, yeah.

You need to pull up the crime rate. Is it still bad? I've never been to Gary. All your life, really? Is it that bad? I only been in Indy seven years with my husband's job. So I go to airport home. I don't fuck with Indy.

Okay. I mean, the city is very supportive of what I do. I just don't, I don't get around it. I want to go home. I'm from Atlanta, so that's where I'd rather be. I ain't mad at you. That is very nice. It's a lot to do.

You have been to the Chocolate City? No, no. You would sling big dick in the Athiel, you know what I'm saying? When I first graduated college, I was thinking about going there because CNN's there because I didn't really like L.A. the first time I was here. You was going to go because CNN was there not to get late? Well. That too.

Okay. He likes the sisters. No, yeah, my girl. You like the sisters? Right before I moved out here, I was he with one for a year and a half, and I was going to move there. He said he was with one. Yeah. Well, I don't know.

I can't say sister. You can't say fucking sister. It sounds weird coming from it. It's better than saying color, girl. Yeah. She was black. Yeah. You like black women?

I'm Jewish. And right now I'm getting a Mexican girl. I just, anything that's different from my mom, basically. As far away as you can get. Fuck your mom fucked you up. No. I love her. He just don't want Jewish women.

He don't mingle well with Jewish women. That's what my daughter said. My daughter is gay. She said, any bitch is different than you. So she went out and got one that looked like Robin Thick. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, it's the same.

A white girl? Yeah, she got a white girl. Look just like Robin Thick. I like her, too. It's amazing. It's amazing what's going on in society. Yeah. You couldn't just go home and tell your mom 30 years ago that you were gay.

No, but you know what? I think it's something in the water these days. When your child is gay, they drink it. and they just glow like, bing, I'm gay, because I knew my daughter was gay a long fucking time. Did you? You knew it?

Yeah, you can. You can tell what a child is gay. How old? When she was gay? How old was? Probably about 11, 10 or 11. Because everybody else, you know, I raised my sister kids,

so everybody else was trying to get fucked. She was trying to read a book. So I'm like, why aren't she trying to get fucked? At 11? Well, I was fucking at 11, but you know how girls started to feel their selves

and smell their selves. You know, like him boys. She never had that interest. So we can't, knew she was gay. Plus my mother-in-law, who's really, really Christian, she said, she told me one day, she was like, we was over our house for a cookout. She was like, this child got a gay spirit on.

I was like, fuck you. What the fuck is a gay spirit? But she was right. She was right. Yeah, but she's happy. So whatever make you happy, you know? No, that's your kid. You know, if eating clicks make you happy, eat the click.

Fuck it. Let's lick that motherfucker. Mama cool. Mom, who's sad. What's so fucked up is because we look just to. like and I'll be like why do you be doing that to my face? I bet you my my face have seen more pussy because I ain't seen my pussy

my 15 years. Well my face on her body I've seen more pussy than anything but she like licking it she lost her teeth behind bad pussy and then she got them feet so now she got great teeth she can take them out do a thing put them back. That is fucking craziness I love it I love it's a perfect Sunday night fucking show. Wait, you should want to bite this cookie of death tonight? No, God.

You're all right? Yes, I'm fine. What kind of cookies you got? No, I'm just tea. I got these medical marijuana cookies that lead him like... Well, it's because... They fuck him up. Everybody else has a little bit...

He just... You don't listen to doses. It'd be like if you took the entire bottle of Vicodin after a surgery, just took him like took the entire bottle. I take care. You're already here. You can't give him that kind of stuff.

That doesn't miss... I don't give him a viking. I give him medical marijuana cookie. He loves it. Who you? You're kidding. He giggles and shit. Last thing he was giggling with stupid fucking jokes or whatever. So you have a child now at 16 and 114.

Yeah, they live. Yeah, two at home. They know what you do. Yeah, they know what I do. They're digging every moment of it. Yeah, because I'll be out talking about their fat asses. You don't talk about your kids. I'll talk about my kids. She's fucking 17 months old today.

What am I going to say about that? She's a fucking savage. She is a fucking savage. Oh, well, you just had a baby? I'm 51, yeah. Why are you way so fucking long? You're supposed to do that in elementary school and get it out the way? I've been with her since, you know, 2,99.

Nothing ever happened two years ago. Boom, she got pregnant. Fuck. How did she? It's 44 now. She was 42. Right before the thing about the clothes down. She gets pregnant.

Holy fuck. I know she had to be pissed off. No, she's a different woman. Is this the first baby for her? Yeah. Oh, yeah. People are happy about their first child. She's in fucking heaven.

She's a different woman. Are y'all going to do it again? I'm 51. I can't barely do it. I got to do other things right now. I got to take care of this shit. You can barely have sex or you can barely get somebody pregnant. I don't want to get nobody pregnant again.

That's it. This is a lot of work at 51, dog. Yeah. That's what I had. Mine's in elementary. Yeah. No, no, no. Because you don't have a patient to hear that shit around.

You're how like, shut the fuck up, but you can't say shit the fuck up. Because I just moved my niece in with her four kids. She was homeless. And she got. babies and I got a big ass house where I'm used to peace and these kids running around want to talk. Get the fuck out my office. Who the fuck are you?

And I forgot I let them move then. I don't want to fucking talk to you fucking kids in the two-year-old. She got a two-year-old. She can't talk with shit. But for some reason, the two-year-old keep calling me Uncle Gary. I'm like, bitch, I am a girl. I'm not a fucking Uncle Garrett. Fuck out of here for I stick you, baby.

And you know, a little two-year-old looking like a little stunt muffin. Look like going to be a little. a stud when they grow up real muscular and look like a little boy we had to get her ears pears because everybody kept thinking she was a fucking boy with a pink shirt on so I'm a kid you at the house six right now yes six and four of them is hers and two of them pee the bed and you know you're like look here these both of a couple of got stopped but thank god my daddy died a couple years ago he left his hospital a bed and I was going to throw it away but in the back of my mind it'll pop up so no my mom was like somebody's going to come to piss on his bed

And she brought some fishy-ass-kids. And they bring that damn plastic matric out. So I got six kids at the house. And my kids hate them because they're used to having a whole house. My house is like 6,000 square feet. And I got to share with these four kids. But they was homeless. And I tell my kids, be grateful that.

You know, we can help somebody. But, ugh, it ain't easy because the baby be holling and my niece be having. This bitch put on an earphone to get away from her own kids. She's only 23 with four kids. Yeah, and then she was somebody, nobody feels sorry for me When nobody felt sorry You had your fucking legs in the air, bitch

Did you, after two? Maybe you were thinking Maybe I couldn't afford this shit Maybe after one, but you had four Bitch, you had four fucking babies Then somebody's supposed to feel sorry for you? Get a job But she got a job at my house

Because I don't play that shit Let me ask you something How crazy, like years ago I've heard women at comedy show They're either born-again virgin or they're holding not to have sex or their virgins. It's a big thing. When I was a kid, everybody fucked at 12.

Me too. That neighbor in Jersey, they were fucking. I was 12. I was 22. I didn't believe. You were 12 and he was 22. Yeah, I was, and that was child molestation today. Back then it was somebody helping the mama out.

That shit just happened somewhere. Yeah. He bought her a computer for Christmas. The janitor. This motherfucker was married. He was married. His wife was pregnant. And she gave birth in August.

I'm sorry, in November, January, and I gave birth in August. And nobody questioned this asshole about getting this girl pregnant. Nobody. Some good sex now. I hope this, I can say that because I don't know about listening to the park had. Some good sex back in the day, because, of course, you don't really know what your dick is when you only had one dick at the time. Then when you get multiple dick and you realize that fur dick went all that. You know, it was just some, you know.

No, unemployed dick is delicious. I say that all the time. It's like Obamacare. It don't work, but it's good. 12 years old, he was 22. He was 22. And nobody said dick. Oh, I had a second baby by him.

Nobody said dick. Where is he today? He almost your age. No shit. I think you got him about one year this year. And you're still talking about? to him? I think that was him just called me. Every now and then I still talk to the pussy.

He just took out of one on my daughter, because his stepdaughter ran away with my daughter, pussy ass. And I don't know, just some old drama shit. That's what he do. He worked at Jiffy Loop in Atlanta, if you ever need hook up on the oil change. Oh, shit. Fucking crazy. I had two kids by him. Then later on, I got pregnant again.

I had an abortion. I was like, this motherfucker just going to keep on punch me in my left out on Friday, get me pregnant, and not showing up for nine months. So I was like, I can't keep having any babies by this piece of shit. What do you think like, I can't imagine

now, at 25 I feel like I'm too young. Like, at 12, like, what are you at 13? Like, how can you, like, think about taking care of one? I can't even imagine. I think when you're a mom that fucking it just kicks in, hey, I'm a mom. I got a responsibility.

I mean, if you care anything about the kids, so you start your survival mode. So that's what I did. I started my survival mode, and I went and got my first I made a fake idea when it worked at the hudder house. The haunted house. It's like the, it's like the, uh, the waffa house. Okay.

It used to be called a hudder house back in a day before the waffa house came home. And where was this at? In Georgia. Georgia. So I worked there and, um, that's how I bought pamper's. Jesus. How much were you making there? Like $4 an hour?

It was like $2.10 an hour, but you got tips. And then I, I've always stole on every job I ever had. So, you know, by the time you say, hey, my fuck, give me a fine off of this meal, and then you throw the ticket away. So it's a hustle. It was a hustle. That's how I took care of them. It's amazing how, I don't know, I don't know what, I don't have a fucking trade, you know. I can't fix an air conditioner.

I can paint a wall if I have to. I can't fix a computer. But I can hustle. I can hustle. And hustle is the, it is the most, it's fucking crazy. It's fucking crazy. Because everybody can't hustle because hustle. You know, I look at the comedy game, like the drug dealing game, because I used to sell crack.

That's how I do it. That's how I do it. That's how I do it. Because if you put it in your mind, you really want to lock down this situation, you're going to fucking work hard. And I just plod all of my dope dealing skills. Only skill I don't use in comedy is turning cocaine to crack. That's the only skill I don't use. Other than that, I use everything else just to hustle, getting out there, doing what you got to do. busting your ass. It's the same thing.

Just waking up in the morning not knowing. Not knowing. How scary is that opening up your eyes and going. I saved a half a juice from last night. I got a half a joint. I got $2. Yep. And tonight's Thursday. That means I got to show up with a gram a blow. I got to do this. I got to do that. I got to do this.

And that's it. You just go out. And it's like treasure hunting. Yeah. It's like fucking treasure. But the good thing about mine is, I had a trap. You know what that is. What's that? Well, you stand on a corner. That was my corner, which, unfortunately, it was in front of my daughter's school.

But that was my trap, so I could go there every day. I had, like, crack kids locked in. Okay, all right. That's... Yeah. No, I didn't have... I didn't do the crack part, but I went to a place where everything went down. So somebody would come in, three dudes would be drinking, and then one dude would come on with him and go, dog.

You know, we'd get a fucking grandma Coke right now. Boom, they pay $100 bucks. cost me a buck 75 for an eight ball I got this motherfucker no I didn't do that I had real life crack kids I looked for it to every Friday you kind of like kind of fell into

drug deals most of the time it seems like Miss Pat was like a drug dealer like you're right I was a dealer I would go in and out I would go in and out I did it for six months straight then I lost every I got out and then I got arrested a year later but I knew how to make a quick buck

no I did um I actually that was my job every day to get up pick up the crack and like are you a little pick up the drugs on the weekend stuff them in my kids underwear and drive back because that was the thing everybody you know you had to hide it somewhere

so you know this when crack first hit the black community so what you do you hide them in your kids underwear nobody's fucking with a two year old shitty baby now where were you when crack at what year was this and where were you? I had just had my daughter so it was 86 I was in Atlanta

86 yeah the west end of Atlanta because in 84 is when I went to New York City and I went to a spot where they had Reefer. Reef. They called it the master mix. They had green wheat, Thai wheat, and they called the master mix. They put both them together. And I went back like February of 85.

And I said, where's the wheat? And they looked at me like, what? The same wheat block, and I'm just straight up crack. I didn't know what the fuck they were talking about. I'm like, what's crack? And they showed it to me a vial with this rock. And I was like, nah. See, we never did the vows in Atlanta. We did the little plastic bags. And we just, you know, I learned, I mean, when I first started, my kids' father used to sell it. And I just thought he was some pussy-ass Negro.

I was like, I can do this shit better than you. So I went out and I got a friend from my old neighborhood. And I was like, he was like, you should come over here to my old neighborhood and sell crack. And I was like, well, I can get the dope, but you got to show me how to do it. So he taught me how to cook it, how to cut it. We was partners for a long time. I had my first $100,000 at $16. I had no fucking license

and I had about eight cars I had a learner license so I would just give the police in Atlanta few extra dollars they let me drive on my learner license and when the ones that worked that didn't like me

I just put a crackhead on the passenger side because you know you can drive with a learner license that's how I learned how to drive through a crackhead I learned every fucking thing so I learned from my partner

how to cook it and we ran a business we was making like 10,000 $15,000 a day I was 15,000 years old. 15 years old. But my

kid's father used to beat on me all the time a lot. Like he shot me in the back of the head. He used to just beat on me. And he was like, this is bad business. Him jumping on you, you call the police, and the police know you rabid because that was my drug dealer name. And he was like, that's just bad business. So we split all money

and we went all separate ways. So he stayed up at the top of the hill and I moved at the bottom of the hill. Because my kid's father used to cheat all the time. He would take my money and buy my money and take these bitches and winding down. I show up somewhere he got this bitch in my car with my

jury on. So I'm choking this bitch out and he pull off and leave us. Fight. Like, you're going to leave your hole and me? You ain't going to help neither one of us. So I used to catch him like that all the time. Spitting my money on holes. I go over. I would just track his ass down before GPS was even out.

Because he was so stupid. He was slipping. He was certain places. One time I caught him in bed with three bitches. At 16, what the fuck were you thinking at that time when you woke up in the morning and you had cash and you had your corner what the fuck were you thinking and you had the two kids I had two kids two kids 16 seven survivor I was thinking you know they catch you you lose your fucking kids right you going to prison no that my kids I had too many people when you got money you got good friends

and bad friends so when I when I finally did time I had somebody there to keep my kids so you know they they never you know because What it was is that I had my niece, my three nieces, which was my kid's father niece, so I taught them how to sell crack. And then I had my cousin, her name was Boot. I taught her how

to sell crack. So I let the kids handle the crack because we was fucking all kids because everybody thought I was grown. Really, I was fucking 15 years old running the whole block. It's just one day somebody was like, how old are you? And I was like 15, they were like, bitch, we've been saying, miss to you and you all age.

they couldn't lock nobody up because we was a bunch of fucking juveniles selling dope but I act so grown because I had my first apartment at 13 14 I don't make me some fucking fake ID walking that motherfucker and talk

like I'm grown with a baby who the fuck of you how are you gonna tell me I'm not 21 it's amazing maybe your spirit was 21 my spirit was 21 when you walk into

because I was thinking about that I was talking about that I was talking about a friend of mine a couple weeks ago and I said how's your daughter and she goes you know coach she stays in every fucking We were out all the time.

We were 18. This girl goes one, two nights a week. She stays out to 11 with a girl. He goes, I got no problem with that. But fuck, we were out every night. And I was thinking about how we were 16, we were going out. Because in Jersey, it was 18. New York City was 18.

So at 16, 15, you were already out because you look fucking 18. Once you got 15, they don't know how fucking old you are. It's how you walked in there, how you held yourself up. You know, at 15, at 16, when we didn't have ID to go. get beer. Everybody would send me in because I had really big tities. So they were like, rabbi, you go in about the bill because you're the old-looking bitch. So I would always go in the store and, you know, when you're in the hood, if you look back in those days, they, back in those days, you could walk to the store and buy your mama cigarette.

And the people are like, okay, this is for your mama. And nobody gave a fuck. So I was going to buy a six pack of beer and fucking, you know. He wouldn't even think about it. What didn't even think about it? Everybody else looks like he is. You imagine that shit, Lee, going through the store and going, my mom sent me, let me get two packs of Marlboro, let me get two bottles of scotch, rolling papers.

Yeah, in the town where I grew up, they card 40-year-old. So it's just, I can't, this is foreign, this is all foreign to me. So I'm just looking, I'm, my mouth's wide open. Like, for people listening, like, you two are perfect together, but everyone who's listening doesn't relate to this at all. Remember when my baby daddy shout you me in the back of the head? You're like, yeah, I got that you're 16, you're selling crap. I can't even

It's just so crazy Because when the drug hit the black community I tell you the first time I ever came into Heron I can't say that drug for shit Heron or whatever you fuck you call it Anyway My mom shot up her whole life My mama shot up diabetic medication

So I was familiar with needles But when we moved into this community That's when heroin just hit the black community And What year was this? I hadn't had a baby yet So I was a baby yet so I was exposed to Heron

before, one minute, I was pregnant, so it was probably 85, 85, because the next year I was exposed to Crack. Where was this at, Atlanta, Georgia? Yeah, at Atlanta, Georgia, over in the, it's called The West End.

So, at that time, Heron and Crack was in the community, but people was doing, I guess they were spearmen with heroin, so my next door neighbor would go and shoot the shit, and I'm not lying, he would get butt-ass naked. And I'm sitting on the back porch and nobody

would say shit. He would run over to me I'm pregnant with my fucking first child and just bend his ass over my face and be like rabbit, get the rat out of my ass and I would be looking up his ass like Jabber ain't no rat in your ass. Your diabetes is messing up because I told him he had diabetes

like my mama and I was like the rat hanging in the front. Get him nigga, get him. That's what I thought he had and he fucked every until we got used to it. It was nothing to see Jay Bear running around naked telling people to get the rat out of his ass on the weekend. In front of the kids.

He was heroin. He was shooting heroin. He was shooting heroin. And every time he'd do, I used to love to see him do it. Because there's nothing like a black man with a real small penis, because that shit drew his dick up, like super small. And he would be out there sitting on a

car with his ass spread eagle like somebody about to fuck him in the buck. And the kids would be standing around. He'll be like, his asshole dirty. You know? that's the first time I ever seen somebody run a train on a woman when women started getting on crack and they would come to the crack house and they would get fucked so we p I'm pregnant we peeking through the house we peeking through the wonder of the crack house this is before I ever saw a drug

drugs and this pretty white lady came over there she's sucking dick fucking everybody and we just watch it and they are fucking her with uh you know the sandwich bags they didn't have condoms so they was in there putting on sandwich bags and zip lock bags and they're running the train on them. That's how bad was fucking crack did you see it? What the fuck did it make people

go crazy? You know what? It made it really told black period. I didn't know nothing about it. I knew nothing about it. Oh, Craig told the black community up. And then in 89 no, in 90 I came back to New York after six years of being gone in

Colorado, hidden in the mountains. I go to New York and I go, where do you get to blow? I go to Yankee Stadium. And I went up to Yankees there. I made the wrong fucking left and right, man. And I ran into Crackville where you actually get out and stepped on the

the vials. Where everywhere, it was fucking Crackville. It was like a zombie. It was like that show, whatever they fucking call it. Because you know, Black women was beautiful. And that shit made them. That's why I never used Crack. because when they hit all communion

and all those women started turning ugly, I know what I look like without hair and makeup. So if I smoke that shit and not comb my hair, somebody gonna think I'm from the fucking zoo or something. It's like this drug ain't for me. That was fucked up what happened to crack. Did you see it in Boston? No, I mean, I feel 25-year-old white kids.

Lossed Virginia at 19. What the fucking think he did? Virginia at 19? Somewhere on there, yeah. Jeez, what did you do to your 19? He just whacked off? Yeah, I mean, I did other stuff before then, But yeah, for sex

What kind of the stuff that you do? Blow jobs and stuff. You gave a blow job? I didn't give them, I got them. Who sucked your dick? Some of high school girl? Yeah. You pay your five hours.

No. Can I mad, no. Did she suck your teeth these two? No. Oh, she don't know the fuck she's doing. One girl bit my nipple and that was terrible. That was the one I hear you, man.

Yeah, that was awful. She bick a nipple and Lee went fucking nuts. He was red in the face. He was angered. It hurt. She, like, been it hard in it. Who was you fucking a cracket? No, it was a fucking online date.

Oh, it was the worst. But. No, crack was something that, Jesus fucking Christ, because they broke it up until like a crack neighbor, and when you made the left down to that, you could feel the energy. It was like being in a fucking horror movie.

Yeah. It was like being in the thriller video. And then when you left it, I smoked crack. I smoked crack for a couple months, right here in California. Never smoked it before. On the way home from the comedy store at night,

I would drive on this one, street and I'd see these guys in the corner and one night I just pulled up and I go I couldn't get coke one then I go what do you guys got and they go we got whatever and I go give me a 20 and they gave it to me I went home and I tried to cut it up and snort and it burnt my fucking nose and I told me this and I go no that's fucking crack guy so I had that the house so one night when I ran out of the coke I got a coke can I opened it up and I started smoking fucking crack I smoked you smoked it on the can yeah my brother used to smoke it on a can I smoked that I smoked crack for

about oh maybe six six months. And then I went to El Paso, Texas for two weeks. And this had a beat. Yeah, 99, 2000. And I was in El Paso for those two weeks. I didn't smoke crack. I snorted Coke. So I stopped smoking. Why not just do Coke?

I don't know. It was the craziest thing. I just liked it. Like, why did it become popular? Because it's segregated. Crack is for black people. Coke is for white people. But you make crack with Coke, right? Yeah.

But here's what happened. God, I'm sorry. I'm just like, why? Because you always say the thing, like, why do I have to add stuff to my weed? Like, why not just do the Coke? Like, if the drug dealers would get Coke to make crack, like, why even waste their time? Because the crack was cheaper. Yeah.

For $5, you got something. If I go to a place to get powdered, for $5,000, I get a half a line. Yeah, and you could add to it. Like, you could take crack when you cook it, and it was this thing called cumbers. back you remember that and it take just a little bit and blow that bitch up to a lot so as a drug dealer you would be making like say if you was cooking a half an ounce you can turn a half an ounce of powder into a whole ounce so where you was going to make $500 now you can make a thousand dollars but you's probably only spent three or $400 so that's fucking great profit if you know ma'am

and when you went to prison did you sell it there because no i i i don't you know what i know i no i didn't do drugs, so no. I know you're going to but I don't know if like, because I know you guys probably didn't watch it, but Orange is the new black, the prison show. My brother watching it. My husband watching the shit out of that. It came out of this weekend

and the new thing this season is there's a new person in the show who's selling drugs in the prison and you didn't really do drugs in prison, right? You smoked weed a little bit and I had acid. Some hippie had acid. They had speed. Yeah. They had drugs. They had heroin, coke, stuff like that. I did heroin

one time but I didn't do the white heroin. I did the Mexican heroin and I did a crank once or twice in that and I did acid most I didn't do any coke in that I didn't smoke weed and did you I never did any drugs but did you never in your whole life my mama was an alcoholic and I'm my whole and I don't even smoke cigarettes and I used to look at my mom and say everything you do bitch I never do I didn't say that to because you say that to a black mom you get fucked up you can curse out in your mind all you want to but you weren't Herce not in person. No hell no.

But everything she did, like she smoked weed. And she got high all the time. She did alcohol, so I did none of that shit. Now, my sister did. My sister do everything. She just got out of jail. So this is the first time in her whole life that I've known her, that she's drug-free.

It's funny because what happened was they, it's supposed to like the CIA brought into L.A., whatever the fuck this name, Ricky Ross, Broadway Ricky Ross. But then it became this epidemic across the country. That's a great question, because it was 50 bucks. You know, cocaine came out,

it was 100 bucks a gram. That's it. 50 for a half gram, no negotiation. So it's kind of like, when you say you cut cocaine, crack is like super cutting. It's super cutting it. But it's still strong?

It's still strong because they magnify to the most awful fucking source known to mankind. But then what happened was the biggest problem, like in the mid-80s, was when the Bush administration, the Bush administration, they were having a hard time smuggling ether into Columbia. And ether is what you use to wash the cocaine.

It's what you wash it. And when you do cocaine at the end, when you suck it in, you get that little draw in your throat, that's why you do the blow because of that taste. You can never... You can't... That taste is delicious. When you do that at the end,

that's why people do that shit. That thing right there, that's the fucking money shot right there. That's like coming in somebody's asshole. You understand me? When somebody's blowing a balloon in your asshole, that's what the money shot. That first line. Yeah. That first, Lee, how you doing?

Joe, you want a line of this shit? I just got it off this fucking black dude on the corner. All right, let me get on. That first gagger that determines your evening. Yeah. That motherfucker right there is the money shot. That first line. And after that, it's every man on its own.

So what happened was that taste went away. They had a smuggle. They were washed. So it was gasoline. Oh, I remember that shit. I remember getting a whole... I was getting it from some Cubans in Atlanta, and they had smothered it in.

And then everybody was bringing it back. This tastes like gasoline. I was like, well, bitch, unleaded it is on sale. Yeah. So what they did was they just burnt it down. You just taste it now. You taste the guy. Jesus.

Bro, I bought nine ounces of this cat piss. That was tremendous. It fucked you up, but it smelled like fucking pure catpice. It was in a cat ass? I don't know until this day. I don't know. I went over there. The guy always had good Coke.

I took it without sniffing it. I went home. I did two lines. I'm like this taste. Then it started tasting like cheese. There was a batch that started tasting like cheese. Because they ran out of shit to wash it with. What do you mean about washing?

Because I don't know nothing about that. You know, when they take it and they fucking get the leaves and they fucking put the gasoline on. And they get the little Indian guy. Steps on him for two hours. They take the extract. He mixes it with powder, then it becomes a clay. Then he lets it sit overnight for fucking 92 hours, that whole process. See, I didn't know that process.

So it tasted very fucking weird. So it was just, but before, like, the cocaine came out. Then in 81, 82 was Freebase. Yep. And that was a complete different thing. That's where they washed it with bacon soda, and you have to come back. And that was a fucking heavy-duty white shit. That was like people with English accents with...

doing that. You know what I'm saying? And what was your friend doing when he walked around with a microwave? What was he making? Bazookas. That's a complete, that's another form also. Oh, geez. Where you take a gram of Coke, put two-tenths of bacon soda, and put in the microwave oven.

Oh, yeah. And then you bring it for 30 seconds. It comes out on a rock. You shave that motherfucker and you put in a cigarette. Okay. Or a fucking joint. They used to call him, they used to call him geek joints, bazookas, fucking tarantula. You got him turning peak over there.

Oh, yeah. No, it's just, it's. And I feel like I don't I want to let you guys talk most of it, but like this is all stuff. I have no experience and most people have no experience. So it's just great. It's like it's a whole new education. It's yeah. It's fucking crazy.

And people are becoming millionaires off a crack because of the profit margin. Hey, I put my first daughter through private school with correct money. Crack money will fucking make you because all I got. Not anymore because people don't do it no more. No. No. No. Really? They don't do. People do it.

If you say, if you build it, they'll come. If you put a fucking motherfucking hot chick by in and out burger and give her 30s and sell for 10, we'll get this business going up again. I'm looking for a fucking job. You get some hoes out here. Some of some crack, you'll be back. They'll call you the Jewish fucking connection. Oh, my God.

So you had $100,000 at 16 years old? At 16 years old, I had my first $100,000. Did you ever get to the point? Because, Joe, I mean. By mistake. without knowing what she was doing. She wasn't even a fucking CEO. No four years of college.

No fucking nothing for all you fucking business majors that got a hot dog stand. You don't know dick, okay? Listen, the biggest gift you can learn in life is belly to belly sales. There ain't nothing like belly of belly sales. That goes throughout your fucking life. You know, that's why a lot of people jump off buildings

because they don't know how to handle stress from running business when it's failed. They want to kill their fucking. self, but for me and you, we're like, fuck it, then that didn't work out. Let's start the next motherfucking thing. These hot dogs, we need to put chillies on the next motherfucker so all the business can stay up. Well, did you lose it? Like,

fuck hell, I lost it. I mean, anything comes fast, goes fast. So, you never heard that saying? Well, I have, but I mean, most people know Joey's story. He had a lot and then go, like, so I just, I don't know your story. My mother had a lot, not me. Well, you, I mean, but you went through periods, like,

doing the longest yard, and then you were addicted so you went through a lot of money like when you think about it if you didn't spend any of that money on Coke you'd be living in Beverly Hills right now. No no no but the whole thing was it was I don't even know what the fucking question was this

motherfucker confuses me all the time this shit. God I'm sorry I'm sorry what you say I mean you know when you when you out in the street you're going to eventually have to spend that money either you're going to go to jail motherfucker going to rob you you, a motherfucker going to try to kill you

you that you can't a lot of people say, oh, I can get out the business with this money. What comes fast goes fast. I mean, plus you got to remember, I'm a 16, 15, 16 year old girl with that kind of money out of the hood. What I was supposed to do with it? I did like everybody else.

Bought fucking joins, calls and loud music and speakers. Chinese food. You know, I made money from drugs on one run. In 85, 86, I made money from drugs, even though I was a fucking Coke fiend. because the profit margin was so big. People were paying 1,800 an ounce. I was getting for 800 an ounce

and putting 10 grams of cutting that motherfucking selling it for 1,800. I couldn't lose money. And I had it sold before I got there. So I went under the bed and I swear to God, I started this little side business in maybe June of 86. And by August of 86, I had $60,000 under the bed, $50,000.

Eating stew out every day. eating at restaurants thinking I'm Johnny LaBamba. John LaBamba. By fucking November, I owed $40,000. I owed $40,000 to local drug dealers. So that's how fast it goes. It goes fast. You don't give a fuck.

You don't give a fuck. You always got to keep a side hustle. Like, before crack came along, and, like, I would go, my sister, these white guys was coming to the neighborhood. And white people only came to your neighborhood if they was the insurance man or if they wanted to buy pussy. So I was at the time I was really into wrestling. And I was too young to really sell pussy, but my sister then was selling pussy.

So when my sister then wasn't there, I would tell the white men, you know, give me a ride to the wrestling match because I like wrestling. So they would pay me $100 while they jacked a dick. I watched. That's all they wanted me to do. So that was a really good side hustle for me. Well, they just jerked off. You just watched them. Yeah, he would drive me downtown and drop me out, but he'd be done jacked his dick all the way there.

And I just be, he just wanted me to talk to him. And I was probably 11. so I would talk to him, yeah, you work that dick, white man. He was going to pay me $100. You know how I'm for $100 went back in 85, 84? You could fly to L.A. from New York for $100.000. Hell yeah. I was like, yeah, beat it.

And it wasn't that big, so if I didn't really peek over, I couldn't see. Oh, my God. It's amazing when you're in that world, when you see people's weaknesses, and you see what people will do. It's amazing how you're raised and how your perception of people. is like you respect people out but you know people creepy motherfuckers when you see somebody jerk off in the car and pay on that bucks it's not even fuck you but you know what when I was little when I was real young and I was in elementary school I remember

as a kid on Friday this dude were ride around his car and jack his dick and look at the kids and we called him the dingling man every Friday we knew the dingling man was coming and nobody was scared of the dingling man we would tell the teacher he's like just stay away from the dingling man he didn't want to fuck nothing He just want to look at you and shoot off in his car. And we'd be like, oh, that's going to dingling man. And when I asked people, I was like, y'all didn't have no dingling man. Everybody had a dingling man.

Oh, if you didn't have money for cookies, you go over to the Candyman House, let me touch that little titty, undeveloped titty. Okay, you can rub it. How many cookies you're going to get me? That was making money. I mean, you was earning what you got. I mean, it's child molestation now, but it wasn't nothing for, old dude to rub on your ass for some

free pop in my neighborhood, and the diggling man was guaranteed to be that every Friday. That's fucking crazy. It's amazing how when you grow up, you're like, you think everything's normal? Yes. And I can't, and I don't want to, I'm not, none of this is judgment, but it's just like, growing up,

I'm trying to think of me 11, and I, all this stuff you're saying, I can't, I don't know if I can't handle it now when I'm this, when I'm 11. That's because your ass was shelter, but if you wasn't sheltered, fuck yeah, you're either you are handling to jump off a fucking bridge. So what, when you raised your kids, would you want them to be sheltered or do you want?

They were sheltered. One of no dingaline man in my motherfucking neighborhood. If it was, he was going to get beat down. But in a way, it's, it made you who you are. So is it a good thing or a bad thing? Well, it made me aware of what was going on in the world that how, how I wasn't washed out of. Like, as a kid, like, all the shit that happened to me, like, I got molesting and stuff. like that and I was like nobody

ain't never touching my daughter pussy I would kill the motherfucker even after I got married I had a talk with my daughter every day I say if my husband ever touch you I want you to know don't nobody who walks this earth me more than you and you and your brother to me than he

y'all do I kill the motherfucker and I asked my daughter that from the time I married my husband she was in the second grade until ninth grade till she told me can you please stop asking me this I was like well why you want me If he would have touched me by now, don't you think I would have told you? I said, I just want you to know I'll go fuck him up right now.

So, I mean, I just, I was, I wasn't, I wasn't, I don't think I was overprotected, but I kept her out because I knew the signs of a fucking dingling man and the ice cream man and the motherfucker who rub up against your tits for freeze, pop, you know, people see your weakness and they play off your fucking weakness, you know, like my weakness was I didn't have nobody that'll love me. So this grown-ass dude come in and act like he loved me. And what do he do? He'd take my fucking virginity.

You wouldn't get in downtown like that. With my daughter, get the fuck away from here. I can buy my daughter her own clothes and shoe. I'm a supportive parent. But that's what happened when you grew up with an alcoholic parent and nobody's watching after your fucking, watching after their kids. You know, it wasn't shit for us to be in my grandmother to look at house. You know, fucking dancing for the grown men.

And they're looking at us like we fucking are ice cream pop. You know, it was a freakish shit ever. But we had to dance for him. That's funny because my daughter, ran in the park and then she slid on sand and she banged that and I was sitting there thinking about this book I'm trying to write in the narrative and I was thinking about the narrative would be Would I let my daughter go to 148th Street now like I grew up on 148th Street? That's not where I grew up I grew up on 88th Street But on the weekends I go up do Santa Ria and shit with some crazy fucking Cubans. That's my godmother lived I saw a dead body the first time I just saw all this shit and I was thinking to myself what I let my daughter go

go up there now. If somebody called me and said, hey, it's a summertime send your daughter in New York for two weeks to come up and stay on 148, would I let her go up there? And I was just thinking about that. How would I act towards something like that? Do I want to shelter? Mercy? Well, you can be honest to him because with

my kids, I used to say, you know, I'm not letting you go around my uncles or my family because the motherfuckers are crazy. Like, it ain't nothing to go to a funeral and a fight break out. I'm serious. I mean, it ain't nothing to see a fight break out at your funeral because somebody mad over some bullshit two years ago. You know, first of all,

my family only get together when somebody die. We don't have a fucking family reunion. When somebody died, we turn that shit into a family reunion and a funeral. Hey, I get to see you motherfuckers. I don't see no more until somebody else's die. You know, like, I'm always telling the story about my granddad when he died, you know,

how people just came and my cousin's showed their ass and my granddaddy laying in the casket, her kids beating on my granddaddy. All kind of crazy shit. So, you know, with me, I just tell my family, this is my family, but this ain't my family. We see these motherfuck when somebody die.

What did you do differently when you were raising your daughters that you watched them? How much more did you watch them? What's the kind of shit you did? I didn't let them go over people's house. You could not spend it on over no about house because I don't know nothing about your dad, but I know I don't want to fuck your friends. I don't know how crazy they are.

Bring your friends over here. I never let them go over nobody house. I never let just getting calls with people. I'll pick you up. You know, I just kept it open. And, you know, but my daughter was there when I sold drugs. She was there when I, you know, I got shot twice. One time in the head by my kid's father, then a guy blew my nip off.

So my daughter was there tonight the nigger blew my nip off. Nipple or let her? Nipple. Nipple. Yeah, he shot me with a 45 and blew my nip off. So she saw all of that shit. How old is she now? She's 28.

How is she doing? I think that's why she gay. Oh, that's the gay one. Yeah. I mean, what do you want your kids to see? What don't you want them to see? That's the question I live with now. Well, I keep it real.

My other kids, like my younger kids, they know I dropped out of school in eighth grade. But, you know, bitch, all were trying to challenge me because she thinks she's smarter to me. Like, we was at the dinner table the other day, and she was like, she come home and was telling her daddy before school ended. You know what she learned in history about Hitler.

And she looked at me and told my, Mama, what you know about history? I said, I know three niggas got killed on the east side. Bitch, that history. Do you know how to turn cocaine into crap? Because ain't nobody at this table can do that but me. So I'm the smartest bitch at this table. I said, do you know how to run with a baby in your hand from the police and not drop the fucking baby?

I'm smarter than you. And I constantly tell her that because she looks like she'll drop the baby. It's amazing how I have what you have. I have a street eye. Mm-hmm. You know what I'm saying? have a street eye. So when I'm out, I'm looking at things that you don't even fucking dream or look at. I'm looking at shit that you're not even looking at. I'm looking at and I'm

thinking, why is that guy over there? I'm thinking different fucking shit. I don't think nothing happy. I don't know what the fuck people are talking about. You know, I'm always fucking paying attention. I see it with my wife. When I take my wife to the park with the kid, I want to strangle. She'll get into a conversation with a woman and the baby walks five feet. Talk this way. Talk looking at the fucking kid. Talk telepathically. What the fuck you're taking your eyes off the fucking kid for?

I tell her all the time. Don't take it because what do the motherfucker say after that? I turn my back for a minute. What the fucking thing? It was no fucking minute, but it was a minute. That's how quick those little motherfuckers to get picked up or get stabbed or fall or whatever. You know, so I come from a different fucking society.

I'm looking at completely different shit at the airport. Yeah. I'm looking at that different shit. And I think that's from that that street mentality. Like I don't walk out. I walk into a place. I look around at everything. Because that's how you get killed by not fucking paying attention.

And I teach my kids, look a motherfucker in the eye. Because if you look them in the eye, you know them eyes tell you the story of everything. A motherfucker who's going to kidnap, they already know what they're about to do before they do it. But you look at me, my eyes say, fuck what be today. And I kill your motherfucking ass.

First of all, I'm too heavy for you to pick up and run with me. So your pistol better work. And I just give it to them in my eye. Don't fucking try me. I'm Avalating and today ain't the day. You will be fucked up. So, and I tell them all the time, but people walk in place and them, not paying attention. I pay attention to everything.

I pay attention to everything. I mean, I don't know what the fuck in your book bag. I don't know what the fuck you're going through. But you're not about to kill me because you're having a bad day. Like in Atlanta a couple years ago before I moved to Indy. This so stupid motherfucker get over the overpass and going to jump off. And everybody trying to press. you know, talk him there. I'm like, would you fucking jump so I can keep going home?

You got traffic blocked up because you're having a bad day. Don't fucking hold my day up because you wants to kill yourself. Go to your garage and blow your brains out. So, I mean, that's just the type of person I am. Now, when you got shot in the head, what happened? Break it down for me. I was, oh, when I got shot in the head woman, my kid's father shot me in the head. When I got a 50-year-old. Yeah, he's fucking 50 now.

I was at my house with a guy He comes over and wants to play like he bad He said he didn't mean to shoot me But he hit me with a 38 And that bitch blow a nice chunk out of the back of my head And then this motherfucker didn't even stick around And see if I was gonna die He actually ran off and left me

I woke up and went and called 911 Blood everywhere I don't want to get in the hospital for Couple days because he only like Crack my skulls and nice A big ass scar back down So the doctor was like We don't even know how you're alive

I said, I guess God got a story for me. Something for me to do. And who shot the nipple off? Oh, some nigga I was arguing with over a fucking cocaine transaction. He spit on my car, so I stick the pills to his face. And he come back with an automatic with my little fucking broken 38 and I work it. That's what I learned. If you're going to draw a gun on somebody, go on kill him.

Go on kill him. Don't kill him. Don't kill them. And he came back and he hit me up under my arm and blew my nip off. Let me tell you some, I'm getting stressed out. talking tea. Why? Because it takes me back. Yeah. I got to tell you this story. I can take them back.

Lee, why are you red in the face? Because you're talking. Who's your in the nipple? Oh, I did some guy. If I got shot, if I got shot, if I was in the area of someone getting shot once, I would never leave the house ever again. That's your scary ass. Oh, my God. I can't even.

It's amazing. I used to do some crazy shit because when you're young, you don't think. you can die. Like I tell you, the time my kid's father was cheating on me, right? So, honestly, I was in the West End, I was walking across the over the overpath. And I just happened to look over the overpath, and this motherfucker is down there in his car with a bitch.

All my mind just collapsed. I jumped off the overpath on to that motherfucker car. Like, who is this bitch in the car with you? Did you knock around? No, that motherfucker drove off and I fell out the car. He fucked my leg up. He got to my son. He didn't know

that was me. I was like, bitch, you see me coming out of the air. How the fuck you not know that was me? I was calling your name in the air. What the fuck is this bitch doing in your car until I hit the hood? Now, your new husband, what's he think about all this life stuff? He's like, everybody

always asked him, did you shoot in the chest? He's in the service, right? He was. He's not anymore. He's retired. He's retired from the service? No, no, no, no. He just did his little term and got the fuck on. Now, when when was the day you woke up and decided? it that's it um you know what I was a epidented because even after you say that's it you got the energy around you for a couple more years yeah I was just tired I was tired of fucking selling crack

I was I was I mean my kids was headed to where I was headed then I was like what if I get killed and I got to get my kids to this pussy-ass dude what if I go to prison he ain't stable he got my fit he had like 22 kids at the time so I just started praying I said I really need my kids a baby a daddy and um I went to a comedy club and I met my husband. And I was like, he don't know he just answered this ad I had in the newspaper. Now I'm a baby daddy. And I gave him a little up and now.

He was very intelligent. Speaks really well. You know, I'm country as fuck. So I needed somebody I can learn from. His tennis shoes was clean and he had his back teeth. I was like, bam, you got the job. And you've been with him how long? 24 years.

And he has two other children with him. Just two with him. Two with him. I met him. I had two before. Right. So he got four off together. And what's he think?

When did you turn the fucking craziness off? He turned the craziness off because at the time I was still selling crack and I was into forging checks and shit. And so he was like, well, what have something happened to you? You know, what about these kids? And he was like, you know, if we're going to be together, we really got to, you got to get a job. I was like a fucking job. What do they do that at? They don't do that around here?

You know, I'm used to going outside writing forging checks and making sell me $800, $2,000, then sell my crook. cracking. I'm back at home by 2 o'clock with $5,000 in my pocket. But he was an honest man. Never been to jail. Never committed a crime. Never had a traffic ticket. And he just, I don't, I asked him all the time, what the fuck did you stay with me? I was stupid as fuck. I get the fighting at the football game one day. We was in an all-white neighborhood. This is after I was started to get my life back together. The guy struck my son out. Now, I'm a hood ghetto bitch. And my husband don't raise his voice from there. I jump up pregnant with his first child. run out on the football field

and punched the shit out of the empire. No, nigga, you're going to let him back. One more time. That wasn't right. That hit his arm. And everybody, what the fuck? I'm up in about five months' pray. Knocked the shit out of the empire.

And when nobody that, we're the only black people. I'm acting straight niggerish. My husband's standing like, I can't believe this bitch just hit this man. They said, I ended up, they ended up issuing a warrant for me. And I had to go, because I got criminal, my criminal background history say all drugs,

So I had to go to a fucking AA meeting for six months, listen to crackheads. That's part of the... Yeah, part of the thing, the probation. Yeah, I had to go and listen to crackheads for six months. I was pissed. How long have you been a decent person for you? Probably 24 years, 23 years.

When I got with him, that shit was over, that life was gone. I was done. Was it love? Not at first, because I told him. say, look, I've been with my kids' father for a long time, but he was beating on me. He was cheating on me. He was fucking veneer disease,

gunnery, crowds, fleas, all that shit. Everything. Everything. You ever had fleas and gunner, that shit? It's pain. I have no galoree, but I had the crabs. You ever have crabsily? No. Never give him any nose in your eyebrows? Oh, God. He never, he never eat ass with

crabbing and shit. Like the fucking steak they give you at fucking the palms in New York. man spin-ho there. He gives you that steak with the fucking crab on top. He went until we got to be a little asshole with a little crab mariner on the side. And your fucking little Jew ears turned red

cock-sucker. Oh, he ain't been through shit. He probably got my five people and two of them up on his balls. He's come a long way, though. You know. But I started to get my life back together when he, you know, my husband's like, we just can't do this. And I gave it all up.

Was it love? It was love. I love the shit out of my mind. I got the best husband never judge me never said bitch I can talk you out together don't call me no bitch first of all I ain't gonna have anybody disrespect to me but you know never disrespect me never put his hand on me always been a fucking

straight up good guy and when I used to tell him these horrible stories he never judged he just listened you think it was God in the way that put him in your life it had to be because I was headed for death and when you're seeing him the first couple weeks you're like what the fuck this poor mother Well, you know what?

I really wasn't dating him. What happened was he would watch my kids why I go out and force checks. And I would tell him, I'm going to bring you some Tommy Hilfiger bag. So he started out kind of like as my babysitter. And then I was get evicted all the time because I wouldn't pay my rent because I wouldn't have money.

I'd be done fucked off. You know, went to the club. And I was getting evicted. I was like, I got a final way to get me an apartment. He said, I'd get your apartment. I was like, for real? Because that don't happen in the hood. You don't do it with good credit.

You don't get no man with no job and good credit. And don't beat on you. And he black? Shit. That was a gold bond. It's funny because I was fucking crazy. I was fucking crazy, Doug. I was going to Miami and doing blow.

I was coming back and doing spots at the store and sleeping on Ralphie Mae's fucking floor and arguing my wife. And it was just, a fucking horror show in my life and one Sunday night walking to the comedy store and I said I'm walking up

the stairs this girl was walking down the stairs and we just looked and she kept walking not insane nothing and an hour later I went back to the get a soda or whatever the fuck I was drinking and I started talking it's my wife and we started talking about three nights later I called and I got $30 from somewhere

and I called and I said you want to do something let's get coffee we got coffee and smoked a few cigarettes And I remember sitting, her sitting across from me and going, this girl's interested in me. I can't believe this. This girl's a Christian girl from Tennessee. She's white. Don't smoke reefer.

Don't through blow. Don't do drugs or pills. Never even knows about it. Said she had a roommate in the Valley that was, she didn't know what she was doing, but the spoons were all black. They were all burnt, you know. She didn't know. She was that fucking naive.

And I started dating every man. And I remember one time, going to New York to do a fucking show. And I swear to God, Miss Pat, I had $20. And I remember, she was a waitress. She made like $40. And I was with her maybe a month and a half. And she says, how are you going to get to the airport?

I go, I have no idea. She goes, do you have any money? I got like $30. She gave me $40 and half a pack of cigarettes. And I remember going to the airport. She's driving me. I'm going, I can't believe this is happening to me. I got to love this girl.

I got to like this girl. And I don't want to like this girl because I I don't deserve this woman. That's what I kept thinking. And then we started dating, hanging out more. Then fucking one day, just move in. And the whole six months, I'm like, this is fucking craziness. This girl even cooks from me and asks me about my clothes.

Where are they that she wants to wash them? I just couldn't fucking believe it, man. And 12 years later, I got a baby with this fucking kid. That's how I felt, too. Like, when I first got on my husband, because I'm used to a man disrespecting me and putting his hand on me and treat me like shit and cheating on me. So when I got my husband,

and he wasn't disrespecting me and putting his hand on me, I would use his car during the day while he went to work. He used to work at Stenance Mattress, and I remember I would leave his job just crying. Oh, thank you, Lord. Thank you for such a good man. Because, I mean, you know, I just, I didn't think that would fucking ever happen.

I mean, so instantly because once I got rid of there, he just popped up out of nowhere. Well, you got to close one door before another one opens. Yeah, but I actually prayed. I knew I was over him. I went and I got on my knees one day. And I said, Lord, I've asked you for years to change this clam. I said, but you won't listen to me.

I said, so I'm coming to you sincerely with my heart open. I, fuck him. Change me. I went to bed. I slept with him that night. I slept with him the next day. And I did not have no desire. Just like that gut turn.

me off. I had no desire for him after that. I remember I could still see me laying and saying, I wish this motherfucker would get off me. No desire. And that was on a Tuesday. That Friday I met my husband. Went to a comedy show. When did you get to comedy? How long were you were? I got into comedy. Never thought I was funny. People always been attracted to me. So I went to the welfare office And I would tell these fucked up stories about my life You know how my baby daddy beat me And my mama was an alcoholic

And I remember telling this story about my mama Used to get drunk all the time And I said every time she got drunk She wanted to motivate me And she would say shit like, rich for the stars And I hope you hit the sun and burn up And I'm like, this bitch trying to kill me You know be how you could be

And if that don't work out you can always be a hole But I was eight years old She was telling me this shit. So what I did was I would go to my caseworkers and I would tell them how horrible my life was. And one day I get this black case worker and I tell her all these stories and this bitch just bust out laughing. So I'm like, what are you laughing?

She was like, you should be a fucking comedian. I was like, ain't that funny about this shit? She's like, this shit is hilarious. And I was like, really? And I went and. It was the first spot. My first spot? Yeah, what was?

It was a little pub place called the Irish pub. and I would go up there every Monday night just to test it out. And the first time I went up there, I could join, you know, talk about people real good. And it worked out really well. Didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I was like, oh, I'm a comedian.

How long ago was that? 11 years ago. It's my 11 year this year. And you're making strides. You're fucking them up. But it's funny that you're very fortunate because you cut through a lot of bullshit with this podcast world.

Because now these motherfuckers are going to get to know where you're coming from. See, if they see you sometimes doing material up on stage, they think that's who you are. And they judge you on that. I learned that years ago when I watched 24-7. Those boxing things on HBO or on UFC, they always

show a motherfucker's house. And they show his wife. So you may have not like the motherfucker because the way he boxed. But once you got to see his wife and his kids and how he performed and how he acted, you fell in love with the dude because now you knew it was struggle.

Yeah. And because of the podcast world because of the internet. Now, you know, when I fucking came up, I used to look up to Richard Pry. I know he lit himself on fire, and I know he was fucked up on drugs. But that was it. I didn't know he had kids.

I didn't know about his personal life. I didn't know what his struggles were. After JoJo Dance, I found out his mother was a hooker. And he saw all the shit that we saw growing up. That's what gives him a little bit of the insight. That's what, you know. You know, people like you and I, we saw some shit.

and the way to make it better is by making ourselves laugh. Yeah. We're in that corner saying to yourself, Jesus, what the fuck I did you see? And all of a sudden, you just make a joke to yourself. And you go to bed and everything's better. Yeah. I mean, I did that many nights.

Many nights. That's why I learned my family. With my grandfather, you know, doing bootlegging shit, you had to. I mean, you just saw so much shit. Like, I saw my granddaddy shoot a bitch. About 10 times. Well, I'm standing on the porch.

She called him a black faggot. you know back in them days you don't call black men no faggot oh that was like that was hey you could have got away with the end where it being a white man but fagget oh hell no they had too much to prove and they called my grandfather 38 he carried two 38 pistols in his pocket he was like a big motherfucker like a roussel he had hands like fucking a 13 shoe I saw my granddad and he'll do so hard knock that bitch cross the street and he caught the bus at the same fucking time and this lady was in there and she was acting the food I had to be a little bit of about eight and he was he drugged the bitch out and threw it go home bitch and she's like you black

faggot and he didn't go for that shit he shot her finger off he said that go on bitch i don't shot your finger off and she kept talking he just tucked them pit them two pillsers out like rambo ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta he's saying the bitch fich you gonna need an ambulance so my aunt run outside she said daddy why you shoot you woman he was like fuck her bitch go pull out the moonshine so i don't get no moonshine charge and i'm sitting here thinking like you don't shot this bitch 12 times and you were about a moonshine charge. So we pulled out all the looking shit

and called 911. He fucked that lady up. So it was nothing to see, you know, like crazy shit. Like my granddad knocking a motherfucker out, shooting the motherfucker, pistol whooping the motherfucker for drinking his looking, not having his money. It's fucking crazy,

and that's how you cope with it. Oh, I got to take it. So I had an uncle named, Uncle Cesar. He was crippled. You know, two legs, fucking damn there, stuck together. So my granddad would buy him pussy. I'm sorry. So my granddad would buy, that was my granddaddy's son.

He would buy my Uncle Cesar pussy, right? True story. So when he'd buy him pussy, he'd tell the hole he crippled, just let him get some pussy. But my Uncle Cesar was a type of, he was a retard. But he smiled all the time. So the hole would let my Uncle Cisa get on top of him. And me and my sister had to go in there and pull my Uncle Cesar legs together until he put his dick in it. I'm not lying to you

And I remember one day He was laughing so hard Because he was happy He was about to get some pussy And I was like Nigger stop laughing And stick your dick in I want to go play Pac-Man

This is the shit And once he get it in there And get started We could leave But we couldn't leave Until he got the dick in it That's fucking crazy But my granny had to bought him

Pussy all the time And it wasn't nothing We're like I just about you Uncle Sees and pussy Go back there and happen Can you imagine if you told somebody That's like out in the bar like three days later you get a fucking visit from social services

did you get drugs up out of that dish? Did you buy your fucking crippled son some hooker? They knock on your door. You could not have get them a piece of pussy. And if you see somebody who's crippled, they're sick. That's what they need at the time. It's a good piece of pussy. It's not being crippled is bad enough.

Now you can't get a piece of pussy even just to lick it. You know what? And he was like really retarded. Like he sat on a porch every day. And everybody who went into our bootleg house, he would say shit like, Hey boy, give me two knuckles, two knuckles make a dime. Let me tell you about this story.

If you gave him a dime, he would beat the fuck out of you. He didn't like dimes. He liked knuckles. So if you walk in that house and fucking ran and gave him some dimes, he would put a choke hole on your ass that didn't want it. Fucking dimes. He didn't like dives, and he didn't like uniformed police officers back in the day. That was like the late 70s.

They wore bowtides. So he liked whooping on poliads. police's ass. He would call 911 and hang up. So you know, that rush out to y'all. And when he get there, he will beat these shit out of him. One day, he grabbed this white woman by her bowtie and drug that bitch in the house. And I'll tell you, my retarded uncle, he would cripple, he was pile driving the shit out of this bitch. She called back up. I swear. I think police was jumping out of helicopter down on my retarded uncle. When they fold that nigga up like a blanket.

So when we will go to the. So Uncle Sisa, if you had on a uniform, he'll beat your ass. So we literally walked him like a dog with a change around his waist. Because if you had on you, he was going to put you on a choke hole. Man, he was M. Fiting before M. Fiting got out. And he only ate out of pots. He would not eat out of a plate. I don't know what the fuck was going on, but you had to give him a pot with a hand on it.

I don't get what fuck if you were serving gravy, biscuit, and pull all that shit in that together. And that's how he ate. He was scared of place. He was the weirdest person He didn't like dine He didn't like uniform And he didn't like plates I don't like soy milk hummus or fucking

Whatever this shit Ranch Ranch fucking dressing So we're just this fucking crazy here Miss Pat man It's been fucking interesting It's very interesting That we have similar backgrounds

We saw some shit And that's who we are On stage And you know people Respect that or people don't like us Because it's too fucking real Sometimes you just come across, like, with a real, you know, it's just, people get thrown so much bullshit now. They don't even know what's real and what's fake any fucking more when somebody's talking to them.

Well, I kind of wish comedy would kind of get back to like the Richard Pry and the Bill Cosby. You know, back then, if you was a comedian, you had some type of talent. Anybody can be a comedian now. I mean, literally, you're a fucking assistant. If he wanted to be a comedian. That's my partner in crime with you. He just get on stage and, you know, do what you. whatever. And I see it all the time.

And, you know, sometimes I ask myself, Joy, I say, well, am I too real? Because, you know, the shit that happened to me, they think it's supposed to only happen to a man. I get up there to a nigga, a motherfucker shot me in a head, and it wasn't his fault. It's my fault, because I duck slow. And white women are like, oh, my God, you would be surprised

how many white women want to cry. Go on, leave me alone, bitch. I don't want to cry. This shit. It's funny. You buy a T-shirt or get the fuck out in my line. Because I ain't crying about this shit. I don't got time to be crying. Life is too short. You know, take take your cars and and play them the way you want to play them you i mean you can make it out of a pity party or you can make it out of a real party life to me is all about get up get out and get

something i ain't got time to be crying about a motherfucking thing especially nothing that had happened to me in 86 i don't get a fuck if it happened yesterday i'm turning it into something positive and i think that's what a lot of people you know a lot of comedy they think a lot of you know young people think they come they just go on stage and talk about anything me personally i don't want hear nothing about you can't get no pussy. I want to hear something that I can remember you by. A lot of motherfuckers in this club

tonight can't get no pussy. I don't want to hear nothing about you suck dick. A lot of bitches suck dick. I don't suck dick because I got vertigo. But back in the day, I tried the shit. It ain't fuck me. It's too much work. It is. I mean, I want to hear some real shit. I want to hear

some real comedy. And, you know, that's where I think we, a lot of people... People get fucking offended easily, too. now. Yeah, I tell them, go fuck yourself. I had one lady in Canada, damn near wanted, she wouldn't stop crying. Like, look here, bitch, go on over there somewhere. Why was she crying? She was

like, because I told the stories about, you know, how I was shy and motherfucker touch me and the dingling man or whatever I tell. You know, sometimes I just go off, rant, this ain't even no joke. I was telling about my kids' father how we so different in age and you call it child molestation, but I call it let's make a deal.

How dare you? My daddy touch me. I don't got shit to do about your dad are playing in your pussy. Now you need to talk to your counselor or you get over this shit. But I'm not your counselor, bitch. Get the fuck away from me. I don't do counseling.

Don't get all away from that shit. Go write you a book. I'm trying to write me a book too. Go write a book about your dad hand up your ass and get over it. Ain't anything you can do it. It ain't like you can go back there. He didn't leave his hand in your ass.

Is it hurting you? When then get over and do something about it. Write a book so other little girls don't get their hands stuck up, their dad's stuck up in their ass. I don't want to hear your problem. I got my own fucking problem. My motherfucking light bill do.

Drop it, Lee, cocksucker. Look at Lee. You're not even stoned, and you're stone. I thank God I'm out soon. All right, let me give some shout-outs here. Armando Sogato, Jerry Henson, Gabriel Mogoza, Jim Jorgensen, Wait for Dusk, Arbarr, Ted Lynch, and Louis B.R. B.A., whatever your fucking name is.

I don't even know anymore. You know what I'm saying? You fucking kill me tonight there. I love it. I love having fucking controversy on this motherfucker. People at home sweating. bullets right now. Thinking what the fuck?

It's a Sunday night. People getting shot in the head. Nipples are getting shot off. On it for all your fucking needs. You understand me? Any nutrients, supplements, whatever the fuck you need.

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Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% off. Get put on the lift. They got the stay on it program. They got kettlebells. Honnets got so much fucking shit going on. They got the digestive enzymes now.

I'm waiting on them. So I can tell you guys how I feel on those papaya enzymes. I think that papaya ends on my eye. I hope they are. I think they're just tremendous. I'm hearing that they have the testosterone powders fucking working for a lot of people. Some guys sent me some emails. But the only way to find out is to go to Onet.

Give it a shot. Columbus did, right? What the fuck? Go press it in and see what they send you. Also on the list today. some of my favorite fucking people right here is my main motherfucker is Hulu Plus. I love Hulu Plus.

You understand me? And I'm going to tell you why. You can watch Scandal, the Daily Show, Modern Family. You can watch it on your smart TV, your computer, your Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, PlayStation. You can also get access to originals. You can't get nowhere else. And you can binge on fucking 10

episodes of anything, 12 episodes, whatever the fuck you want. What we do at churches, it's $7.99 a month. but you get two weeks for free 799 a month is like a fucking quarter a day you understand me but because you remember the church you get two weeks for free so when you go order right after

this fucking podcast what are they pressed in the box Lee Joey Joey in the fucking Hulu Plus J-O-E-Y you understand me they ain't fucking around Huluplus.com go to the box and press what Joey oh shit it's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive

799 a month and fucking free for two weeks so you get to give it a shot. Who does that? When was the last time you gave somebody crack and said, sample it for two weeks and come back? Nobody does that shit. Lulu Plus does that type of shit.

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Go down to the fucking store. Way down in line like a half a mutt. And when you get there, you're going to go Jesus, Joey was correct. He's taking fucking care of me. He's looking out for me. That's a fucking true soldier. So go to Dollar Shave Club, go to the boxing press. Church. There you go. Dollar Shave Club slash fucking, what is it?

Slash.com. Church. Whatever. I don't fucking... Just go to Joey Diaz. Just go to Joey Diaz.com. Get your shit together. You're going to be happy. Not only that, they got a post-fucking workout, a pre-shaved ointment. They got the fucking things you wipe your asshole with you. One-wipe Charlize. One-wipe Charlies. Where are you going to get that type of action?

Shaving. You keep your balls and all and your wife could use it who's better than me also escape pod tank dot com they ain't fucking around the month of fucking June okay

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You get $150 off right now. You're going to save thousands. Go to Escapodtank.com. Why fuck around? Also this weekend, I'm going to be a fucking governor's. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, all three shows. I don't even know what are the fucking different towns there. Belford, fucking this, that.

Levy Town is Saturday. The one place is Friday and the other place is Thursday. If you're not, go to governors.com, see what they got. Also, the shirts are in, the patches are in, the mugs are in. Why fuck around? Go to Joey Dears. Net get your tour dates, patches, t-shirts, do what the fuck you got to do. You sexy, motherfucker.

Can you breathe after all that shit? You know, that's why I had to stop smoking refo. I stopped talking just in case I need to give your ass CPR. I didn't know you know about CPR. I used to be a fake-ass medical system, so I did a little bit of everything. Okay, you got it. You got to tell you. In today's economy, you got to play a couple fucking different titles.

Yeah, one thing I won't do is sell pussy, George. That shit has gone. Ain't no value to selling that. that you. Listen, man, I love you for coming over here today. Thank y'all so much for having me. Where are you at this weekend? Where are you at the next couple weeks?

Go to my website. I know I'm playing Lafayette Theater in September. I don't know. My website comedian is Pat. It's Ms. Pat Comedy.com, Twitter and Facebook. I can't fucking remember, Joel. I'm over 40. I can barely see you.

It's fucking good. You're in Montana, Missouri, Lake Osage, wherever that is. Yeah, I'm there. On the 16th. You're on Dejaveu Comedy. club on the 16th and 19th says and then in the funny bone and dating on the 24th that's a special night y'all i need y'all to come out and support me because i really want this club to start giving me an opportunity what club is that uh dating funny bone and what night it's a Thursday night it's a special

one night only July July 24th of July go see it uh you got some fucking heavy duty you had a life man that's why comedy comes this shit's easy for you that shit you were doing before was hard This shit's fucking like stealing. Yeah. You go up on stage and tell people your life and connect with them and you're beautiful, you know. Well, thank you. You're black and shit. They say when they was like, you're a female Joey Diaz, I pulled you up.

I was like, we just shaped a like. We don't look alike. We don't look alike. You know what, fuck Earth one and five. How about a little Shakakanan? Ain't nobody for my girl, Miss Pat. That's how I fucking run it tonight. It's a special Sunday night edition.

You know, Miss Pat, it's, I'm happy you came on until you made me think of lot of shit tonight. He made me think of drugs and fucking how lucky I am to have my wife because she saved this. You know, it's amazing that the last, I'd never, like, after like nine months I was dating, I'm like, this ain't going to work, this poor girl.

She's going to figure out, I'm a fucking bum. She never figured out, man. Because you never was a bomb. No, she never figured out. It was just the car people dealt you and made you believe that, you know, whatever you went through. A lot of time people can see through all that bullshit. You know, You can tell when the motherfucker will come over your house

and steal your DVD player, right? That bitch said to me one night she goes, we were dating like eight months, and one night she goes, you know, I got to tell you. I could actually tell that you grew up without a mom's love, like for a couple years. My mom died, and that freaked me out

because I grew up with a lot of people who never said that to me. Here's this little white girl from Tennessee who figured me out, you know, and that fucked up my head for months. It made me hate her, but love it at the same time, you know. But I'm happy I stayed, And I'm happy you stay because I know you had your doubts at times.

Oh, I did. Who the fuck knows? And that's what, I hope you motherfuckers learned a lesson tonight. It wasn't about getting shot in the head and your nipples cut off. It was about smoking crap. No matter how many times you get knocked down. Just get the fuck back up. Who gives a fuck?

They can't stop you. No, they can't. Man, that's what they want to do. They want to stop them. They want you to become a group groper. And they want you to tell people to feel sorry from them. Fuck that noise. You fucking eat a rose beef sandwich.

You scratch your nuts. You smell your motherfucking fingers. And you go out there and fucking shoot a motherfucker. I don't know where I just saw you stretching your nuts and smell. And to me, they smell like roast beef. I don't fuck around. You understand me? It's 9 o'clock.

I took a shower like at 6, so right now they could be on fire. I need to scratch my balls. Scratch that motherfucker. We'll be back tomorrow morning at 6 a.m. With the doctor giving us some health advice tomorrow and shit like that. What's up with you, Lisa? I got dropping on it. Nothing, just tomorrow.

And if you want to do that. If you want to... Tomorrow's Lee's debut again. We got about 144 Green Hornets. Lee's going to fucking go with the Iranian government. He's going to go 100 days straight. Like that movie, what's the movie when... What's his name goes over and saves the prisoners?

Oh. Argo? Yeah. How many days were the prisoners over there? I have no idea. Like 144. You got to fucking match it. You're going to do edibles for 144 days.

Fuck that. Fuck you. You're a soldier. A Jewish fucking... That's what you are, you bad motherfucker. You have the little blue matching this shirt up there, the Israeli flag. We're going to do. We'll be back tomorrow at 6 a.m. hit me.

Thank you, Ms. Pat. I love you. Stay black and beautiful. Well, I can't change color, but okay. Motherfuckers do all the time. Who you? Y'all can. Motherfuckers do all the time. I can change my hair, I do. But not my color.

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on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shaveclub.com. Get high-quality razors sent to your door every month for fraction of we pay at retail. Now go to dollar-shapeclub.com forward slash church or just go to Joey Dias.net and click on the Dollar ShaveCubeclubbanner.

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