The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #185 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 1, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... Tickets to The JOEY DIAZ Broadway Residency at SONY HALL:  www.SonyHall.com It's Monday, August 1st…. This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Liquid I.V. & Better Help… LIQUID I.V. Visit https://www.liquid-iv.com and use code JOEY BETTER HELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #LiquidIV #BetterHelp The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday, August 1st. It's a new month and a whole new motherfucking week. The joint is brought to you by Liquid IV. Listen, I do a lot of things to help clear my mind and give me energy.

I do a little breath work. A little acupuncture, I go to the gym. But the summer months are here, and we need to be proactive about keeping our bodies fueled and hydrated. Making hydration a priority can help us feel healthier in our everyday lives. Now, one stick of liquid IV in 16 ounces of water hydrates you two times faster than water alone. Liquid IV is tremendous. It also comes in a hydration immune, and they also have a compocha, Liquid IV offers 10 flavors that are tremendous.

Pinyacolada, tropical punch, cherry, concord grape. I love the guava berry. Tremendous. You can use liquid IV the first thing in the morning before a workout or when you feel run down after a long night out. You know what I'm talking about? The single-use package makes it easy to stay hydrated while you're traveling. It contains five vitamins, B3, B5. B6, B12, and vitamin C.

Get three times the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks. Now, this is how I'm going to take care of you. You could grab Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco, but I'm going to give you 15% off when you go to Liquidiv.com. Do you understand? I'm going to give you 15% off. This stuff is expensive. Uncle Joey on a Monday is showing up with 15% off.

So go to check out. Use code Joey. Uncle Joey is going to give you 15% off. percent off, enter Joey at liquid iv.com. You will not be sorry. Let's get this party started. It's Monday morning, Jack. We're slinging dick and giving our bubble gum.

Nothing free but Jesus, you bad motherfuckers. It's Monday, August the fucking first, Jack. We did it through another month this fucking year is speeding right along. Fucking COVID's making a comeback. My fucking mercy's godfather's got it again. I just heard from some girl that had to cancel a trip. She's got a bad fucking COVID. It didn't even sound like you're on the phone.

But who gives a fuck? It's Monday to rent this do you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey slinging dick with three hands, not giving a fuck. Fucking did some shows last weekend. I went down on Uncle Vinnie's, did Wednesday night with Don Jameson and fucking Cuomo and Jimmy and Eric. Man, the fucking Uncle Vinnie's is great on Wednesday nights. Then Thursday, stuck to my fucking plan of Thursdays

and I went down to Asbury Park. Fucking beautiful. I hadn't been in Asbury Park in 40 years. It looks like this fucking clean, nice city. One of the guys from fucking the green room

dispensary said hello. My man Charlie, chew, chew, Charlie gave me some edibles. I'll tell you what, guys. Listen, I live on ABX edibles. But as anything else in life, your fucking tolerance is key.

You know, like, I, what will kill most people with ABX, like I eat 16, I open up with 1,600 milligrams. And then I eat so much ABX, I got diarrhea. I got explosive asshole diarrhea. That smells like THC. It's tremendous. But from time to time, people give me shit, or I go by like Delta 8s, like CBD Lion, Delta 8s,

got some fucking kick to them. But I built my tolerance up. I ate a whole fucking case of those motherfuckers. But Thursday night, I went down to Hasbury Park. My man, Choo Choo Charlie came up to me. I gave him a bag of fucking, it wasn't tremendous. It was rainbow rat, rub, whatever the fuck it is, rainbow ruts. And then I was driving home, and I'm like, you know what?

I'm almost like eight miles from the house. Let me start eating these fucking things. These little cherry edibles were so fucking good. I ate the whole jar on the 18. When I stuck my hand in the last one, I go, wow, I ate the whole jar of these motherfuckers. Then I got home and he had some chocolate covered peanut buttercups that were like Delta 8 and fucking something else in there. And I just started inhaling those while I was watching the Yankee game. And guys, when I went to bed at midnight, my fucking eyes, you could just see a pupil.

Everything else was red. It was like the cover of fucking the rainbow ruts, the one bag that has my eyeballs all red. Like that's what I couldn't even make. contact of my wife. I was so fucking embarrassed. That's how embarrassed I was. Fucking liquid IV. I'm drinking the guava. Whatever the fuck of it is. Guava berry. Tremendous. You understand me? One fucking bag, 16 ounces of water. Your brand fucking new. You put a little cell food in that motherfucker,

which is a little oxygen for your fucking cells. Your dick starts getting hard-ons from nowhere. Plus, let me tell you what you do. You make a protein shake. Like last night, I did the edibles. Right? Friday night. night I did the fucking 1600. Like all week I'd live on different things to sleep.

This week I did the CBD lion tincture. That shit puts me to fuck out. I did that to like Wednesday. Then Wednesday night I drank a fucking half a bottle of fucking what do you call that shit? NyQuil without the NyQuil right? The cherry flavored.

That lasted me three nights but I didn't want to do it three nights in a row so I said fuck it. Let me do the edible tonight. There's 1,600 milligrams of edibles, but it went down with a particular thing of liquid IV. And, ready for this? Self food. It's got oxygen. So let me tell you something. The fucking liquid IV, the edibles, and the oxygen goes into your stomach. You start blowing these two-minute farts that are so fucking tremendous that don't smell. They just make a loud noise and people look around. That's how good liquid fucking IV is. So anyway, so I fucking get

home that night. I'm watching TV. I go upstairs. I go to put fucking cream on my face and shit. And my eyeballs would beat the fuck red. I got up at 9.30 in the morning, Friday morning. You know I don't sleep past 8 o'clock. 9.30, my wife woke me up.

You're going to get up to that one day. God damn, I'm fucking high. But anyway, I'm want to make an announcement real quick, guys. I put those tickets on sale last week. I put a code out Wednesday, Thursday, and they went to general sale on Friday. I don't know what's going on with the VIP tickets.

I fought and worked very hard to do a residency in New York City and to keep the prices low to $40. They said they'd have to hit you with a service charge of $10. Fuck it, it's New York City. That's $50 a ticket. I kept it low. Do me a favor, guys. And you heard it here.

Do not pay over $40 for your fucking ticket. They got tickets on there now for $160 that people bought and are reselling. Do not be a part of that, guys. Please, do not be a part of it. I'm going to add more shows. I'm going to be doing other shows in the Bronx, Brooklyn, Nyack, whatever the fuck. Do not pay over $40 for those tickets. I leave those tickets for you guys for $40 fucking.

It's Monday, and I'm telling you this for the last time. Don't come to one of my shows, and when I'm talking to you, go, Joey, I paid $160 a ticket. And I'm going to go, you pay $3.20 to come see me. You're a dumb fuck. And I probably won't fucking talk. you and insult you because I've said it on numerous stay with your base value. Do not pay over that.

It's sonyhall.com. That's it. Don't go to any other fucking web page. Okay, I'm hearing too much of this. My friends are going to Uncle Vinnie's. The tickets are $20, $15. Some lady walked in there two weeks ago and said she paid $132 a ticket.

That's what they're doing in music. Because what they're doing is they're having, you go to the name of the joint. It's Uncle Vinny's Comedy Club. Let's see. You don't have to be a fucking psychic to know. It's got to be Uncle Vinny's Comedy Club.net or Uncle Vinny'scom. Unless he's a fucking major league, it may be Uncle Vinny's at Gmail.

But pretty much it's uncle any fucking business you look into, whether it's JetBlue.com, fucking whatever. It's just add the fuck. You don't need to go to tickets, R Us. or vivid or any of that shit to overpay like a fucking moron. I'm doing this for you. I'm sorry I'm going off on you because I'm sick of hearing this. Are you people fucking stupid? You're going to the stress factory.

Why are you going on limited tickets.com? You're going to the stress factory. Where is he playing? It's either calm or net. Take a fucking pick. After that, if you go to the stress factory, If you type in the Stress Factory, okay? Don't press the link that says tickets to the Laugh Factory.

Are you stupid? There's a box on the right-hand side that says, StressFactory.com, right under it with the hours of operation, you know, the fucking reviews from geniuses. That's the website. You don't go to where it says tickets for Uncle Vinny's or tickets for Madison Square Garden or tickets for fucking the Nassau Coliseum or tickets for the Brooklyn.

You don't go on there. You go on the site of the fucking venue. Hello. Hello. What the fuck? How are you paying $132 a ticket for a ticket to see me when the tickets are $20 fucking dollars? You know what that makes me feel like? Like you're a dumb fuck.

You're not listening. Or maybe I didn't say it well enough. It's sonyhaul.com. That's it. I'm trying to save you money. and for you not to feel like a fucking mook when you stand online and go, I think $182 and people like,

look at this fucking idiot. So please. And that's across the board for everything. Last week, Yankee tickets against the Mets were $593 on the Yankee website. My friends are, I can get tickets, $800. What ticket? My friend's going tonight.

He got a ticket for 333 from Yankees.com. Why did you go to Vivid or what the fuck you guys are going for tickets? I've never seen this stupidity in all my fucking life. I'm here to save you money. If I want to rape you guys, I'll charge you $89 a ticket. I'm not worth $89. I'm telling you this right to your fucking face. So knock it the fuck off.

And these prices, you motherfuckers are paying for concerts that now you've knocked America out of going to concerts. Like somebody told me what they're paying for rage against the machine. You know what they're doing, right? It's 324 a fucking concert. Buy blocks. They buy the blocks. Yeah, they do it for everybody. They buy the blocks.

And then you guys are fucked. So do not pay that people. Please, I'd rather the place be empty. Then you pay $160 a ticket. Okay. And then they have this thing, direct ticketing, which they came at me before the pandemic. Like an agency came at me and said,

leave your agency. We deal with. dynamic financing, which means we could get you like $300 for your tickets after they go on set. We do this to everybody and I'm like, what? And they're like, yeah, we buy the tickets and then we sell them for the price of that ticket on that day. That's what people are complaining about with Bruce Springsteen, that is tickets with dynamic ticketing. I love to explain it to you guys. You know, you guys know I'm no fucking mental genius.

But when you log on today of these ticket sites, it'll say ticket prices fluctuate and change and prices, some spiel. And you have to click okay to that. And that means that, you know, eight days out, they're going to hold on to that ticket, and they're going to keep going up and down. They're going to look at your, I'm sorry, guys.

They're going to look at your cookies or whatever the fuck on your computer and see if you're a moron that actually pays for $400 tickets. I mean, they just go by algorithms. They know this guy's a fucking felony stupid. He's not even misdemeanor stupid. He's felony fucking stupid. So we're going to fucking double wham him. It's like when you go on the line for a plane ticket,

you go to your computer at work and you look for the price or your plane ticket, but you pay for your plane ticket at home. Because once you lock in that price on your computer, the algorithms of that plane ticket, we're going to stay on that computer. The price is never going to be. going to drop. As a matter of fact, they're going to go up from the time you looked at it.

It's a no-brainer. When you go home that night, you look at that same computer. You've never looked up that ticket on your computer. You're going to get a way better price than you have on your work computer and a way better price than you got the first day. You looked at that fucking ticket. That's why I want you to look at your plane ticket at work or at your fucking grandmother's house or at your fucking father's house. When you're ready to buy the fucking ticket, You buy it at your house. This is why when you go on Yahoo at work and you look for Joey Diaz tickets,

you turn your computer off, you go to fucking Panera Bread for lunch, you come back, you go back on your fucking computer, and the first dad on your computer is go see Joey Diaz in Cleveland. And you're like Cleveland, it's tremendous how they fuck you in the ass. I'm just here to help you out a little bit. A little fucking bit, guys.

You got to stop doing this shit. Listen, there's a bunch of bands, I want to see. There's a bunch of people I'd love to see. I'm not paying $4,400 to go see Bruce Brinkstein. I'm sorry. I'm not paying $326 to go fucking watch. Tom Morello.

Tom Arello jump up and down with the other guys in the leg fucking cast. I just can't. And I'm going to tell you why. The same reason I told my dear friend Steve of Villo yesterday. I'm going to tell you guys why, okay, plain and simple. Not because I'm hip, not because I'm smarter than you. You and none like that.

I'm going to tell you why. Because I take pride in what I did as a child. And I know for a fact that whatever fucking conchie, you go to for the $324, I'm going to drop this on you. Yesterday I was driving somewhere or maybe Thursday. I was driving somewhere and I heard comfortably numb. And sometimes on the radio you hear a song and it sucks you in and it takes you to that moment. And sometimes you're just thinking you're looking around. You see a Harley fucking whatever Mustang, whatever the fuck Harley Quinn.

You know, but most of the time, a good song will suck you into where you were at that point in your life. Fucking comfortably numb. Suck me in so fucking hard the other day that at one of the lights, I had to fucking, I had to go to, I think I was going to the health food shop. At the health food shop, before I went in there, I stopped and I called my friend Steven. Villa, who's his birthday was on Saturday last week, happy birthday, my brother, 40 fucking years. I called Steve Avilla and he picked up online until last spring.

I didn't even let him say hello. I go, Vils, I want to tell you something. The next time you get into an argument with somebody about music or discussion about music and they're telling you how they... I played $824 to go see Elton John. He was magnificent. No, he wasn't. He's just a chubby guy singing fucking Marilyn Monroe songs now.

You don't want to hear that nonsense. He looks like fucking Elvis went bad with the belt on. And I love Elton John. I fucking went to tears the other here and don't let the sun come down on me. But I'm going to tell you something, guys. You could jump up and down, pay your G note for Paul McCartney. Why don't you think about what I'm going to say to you right now? I paid $15.50 to see David Gilmore do the solo.

I'll come with me now I'm on a wall on a hit of acid. That's it. You could jump up and down all you want. and you've never fucking seen that. So I'm not paying $200 for anybody. That ship fucking sale. And I don't expect you motherfuckers to pay it for me. If you guys want to pay your fucking tickets for fucking high ego people,

go knock yourself to fuck out. That's okay. But you're going to get the same fucking thing from paying $15 and going to an open mic. It's the same thing. The nerves in your face are going to crash together and it's going to bring happiness to your world. And that's what you're seeking. but $300 to be cool

so you and your friends could go to a concert with hats on and take pictures suck my fucking dick things are bad all over you understand me I got a lot of great calls this week I got a lot

when I say calls nobody fucking calls me I got a lot of great emails this week about the Ryan Sickler podcast people were really like Joy we knew a lot of things about you but we didn't know how love it overtaking your life guys

and everybody's life At some point, there's got to be love. There's got to be a love overtake. You know, I know that a lot of people waiting for love. I know people lived their whole life. And, you know, I just got a fucking Patreon email from some guy, him and his girlfriend broke up. She stole his money. She was the degenerate gambler.

Listen, you all need one of those brugs in your life just to let you know that fucking, you know, you got taken for your feelings. You know what I'm saying? Like you, we always need somebody in our fucking lives to, to remind us that we ain't shit, you know, but I also, you can't live your life thinking that. After my divorce, I was done. You know, I have a dear friend, he's about my age,

and I always torture him about, you know, you don't want to die alone, you know, and I mean that. When I was a kid, I used to watch all those stupid Charles Bronson movies and Clinice for movies, and he was always a guy that lived by himself. Every once in a while, he knocks him, chick up on the town,

and they didn't see her again, you know. But I always thought how cool that was until I got older as a man. You know, when I was 28, I'm like, I'm never fucking getting married. I'm never doing it. I was 22. I was like, I'm going to be like Charles Bronson, have a studio apartment and fucking live by myself. Maybe you get a goldfish. That's great when you're fucking 22.

And trust me, that's great, you know. But as you get old and I know you don't like women, you don't want to be around them, they're stiffs, they take up all your energy. women are fucking bad. I know, I know, I know. But you can't live with them and you can't live without them. For a guy like me,

women have given me everything. The strength I get in my daily life for the last 40 years have been the strength that I get from women. I don't know why. I don't know why. If you guys think I gave my strength from watching pumping iron

with Arnold Schwarzenegger and shit, I sometimes, I really do. I got a haircut this week. That was the best hour of my week Just watching girls cut hair You know I get anxiety in this place Because some of the girls are 22 And they look fucking beautiful

And they're sweeter than fuck And I'm like My daughter's barking up this tree 22 is nothing My daughter's nine She's gonna be 10 and six fucking month 22 is right around the corner Trust me

Fucking trust me So you know I get my strength from women I always had You know and I had Listen when I was in the seventh grade, I got my first heartbreak, you know, and I got a little tougher after that. You know, you get a little, and then you start acting like an asshole.

But then when you're 13, you figure it out, and you start dating women, and, you know, it's not going to fucking last. You hold hands, you swap spit, and you listen to Donnie Osmond music or whatever fuck you listen to. But I had never really had, like, a childhood sweetheart. So I always knew that this was not going to be. You know, I got friends from high school that married their high school. school sweethearts. I got 10 of those guys in my world and I'm really happy for them. That never happened for me. But I still remember like in 1990 something, maybe too early 2000, I was just listening to something and I heard an interview with John Bon Jovi.

And they asked him how, you know, how come his marriage has been successful. Like most rock stars live like fucking animals and Bon Jovi. did something different with his life. And he answered that he got lucky the first time. You know, he married his childhood sweetheart. And everything worked out from them. Then you have somebody like Richie Sambora, the guy right next to him,

his guitar player who ended up marrying, had a lot clearer, and they crashed cars, and they fucking snorted drugs. And you know, and you look at that and you go, listen, man, not everybody's perfect.

I had a relationship in 1984. that I was too young to comprehend. She was a fucking, she was young too, and she wanted to fucking suck, and I wanted to snort Coke, so it was never going to work. And then in 85, I'm a sweet young girl,

and we hit it off, and I didn't know how to act. I was still buck wild, and she tolerated me, and we lasted six years. I ended up going to prison, and we had a nasty breakup. And it was a breakup that

you know, I knew when I signed a divorce paperwork and I started looking at the demands, I knew that I was going to lose my family. Like my daughter, I was going to lose her. And at the end of the day, I hate to say this, I don't hate her anymore, but for years I hated the person I had a child. But that's a horrible fucking feeling, you know, and she's not too fucking happy about me. So after that divorce, I looked at my bank account, get cleaned out. and I looked at what a woman could do to you and not every woman.

I was wrong at the time. I vowed just to sling fucking dick, you know, for the rest of my life. I'm going to be a dirty comic. You know, there's nobody who wants to marry me. You know, I had been doing comedy like seven years and I realized that, listen, guys, when you're a comic, it's like those songs you hear

by Bob Seeger on the road, you know, that song he sings. You know, you meet these women and you're there. and, you know, you listen to Robert Plant saying, baby, I'm going to leave you. And all these songs, when you're becoming a stand-up comic, and you're like, that's the life I'm going to lead. You know, like, in your pathetic mind, you're like, that's the life I'm going to lead.

I'm going to be on the road and just meet women and have to look at them in the eye and go, baby, I'm going to leave someday. And you hold and you listen to fucking Love Hurts by Nazareth. You hold each other, and you get on the bus. And, you know, it's just a fucking mind fuck. It doesn't happen that way, God. where it didn't happen that way for me.

So I got separated in 1990 and for 10 years, guys, I run a fucking, I ran, you know, I ran the way I wanted to run, just having casual relationship with women, doing drugs with them and moving on. And listen, as much as I didn't like casual sex, I didn't like it not only for myself, I didn't like it for what the woman might feel like.

You know, the next day you have to see her You just did a 69 for two hours And now you got to see her at work Or, you know, at the bakery the next day And now you're not dating her And one day you see her with a guy finally And she introduces you, like, this is my boyfriend Chip And you're like, eh, Chip, if you only knew

You should have seen me a year ago Putting fingers up her asshole and all this shit Now she wants you to meet Chip And go to his yoga class. You know, I was in Boulder with these women So I didn't fucking know They were all college girls And shit like that.

So, you know, this is what life is, guys. And guys, I was from 80 fucking 4 to, from, I think, September of 84, October of 84 to August of 85. I didn't even see a puberty care on a woman. Okay? I don't have no reason to lie to you guys. And, you know, there was periods in my life where I was single for fucking long periods of fucking time. No girlfriend And not one

That 10 year stretch With no girlfriend And not wanting one That tastes a different Type of fucking animal Because you do meet nice girls You do meet nice girls But you know

As a man That I'm not gonna do this girl Any good Why am I gonna lie to a fool We're gonna tell her that fucking I'll be back And I'm not coming back I'm getting a hundred dollars

To come up here I never want to come back You know what I'm saying I just happen to meet you And now you're nice and now I got to move on my way it's not gonna fucking work you know how many times I was out with girls doing coke

and the girl was really nice and I'm like I'm not even gonna start swap and spit with her and we would leave it at I'll call you next time I come to town you know we'll go off a coffee or whatever and then you never talk to the person but at least you don't have that guilt of fucking sleeping with them

never wanted to contact them again maybe they had acne maybe their feet smelled who the fuck knows I'm no fucking specimen of love either you know so I had to be honest with myself So when I talked to Sickler about that episode, it was about basically my wife and how it fucking the pieces fell together regardless of what I wanted to do. Like there was a time in my, sometimes in life, it doesn't give, the universe don't give a fuck what you got to do. That's the other thing about the universe.

If you put your trust in the universe, sometimes the universe don't give a fuck about you and what you think. the universe is going to give you what it thinks. It's right. Don't always count that you're witty or I'm smart. I knew how to decipher. I knew how to pick a good woman. You knew nothing. You knew nothing.

I knew nothing about picking a life partner. I was 0 and 9 with fucking life partners. I knew how to pick girls to sleep with and do 69 with and snort cocaine with. But I didn't know how to meet a partner. I didn't know how to meet a woman to, and I didn't want to. See, when you're not looking to meet a partner, you're going to meet scavengers. It's like quitting drugs. Yeah, you're going to meet people who fucking, they don't care by you either.

They're looking for the same thing as you. But sometimes the universe don't want that. And I was very fortunate one day to walk into the comedy store and see my wife. And guys, when I saw her, like, her blue eyes just, it was, you know, the comedy store is dark. It's a dark fucking place. So I was walking up the stairs When she looked at me And I saw her blue eyes

It lit up that dark room And again When I started talking to him Like here we go This is a nice girl I can't do nothing with her What am I going to do with her? She don't do drugs

She don't smoke pot She's never gone to a fucking concert Like a crazy concert You know she said that The craziest thing that happened to is She went with her girlfriends To Chicago one time And at the end of the night

She lost her girlfriend because they were all doing heroin. They lied to her. And Terry was in Chicago all along with four girls that were on heroin, nodding out. And I'm like, that is the douchiest thing you could do to a girl like Terry because she doesn't belong in that world. I knew as soon as my girl, my wife told me she didn't get high, I go, that's going to be a problem.

But it's not. It's not. And when I started dating her, it was very like, I would push her away. Like, Terry, this ain't for you. Like, this is not for you. but she kept on grinding me and asked me what I wanted to do. And then one day she cooked me lunch, guys, and I was fucking blown away.

You know, she made me like chicken with red beans and rice and cornbread. And I was like, fuck, a woman hasn't cooked for me. Like women came over. They did my drugs, and they left in the morning. Nobody ever asked if I was hungry. Nobody ever asked if I wanted to go to breakfast. This girl called me. We hadn't slept together or anything.

And she called me, she's like, you want to come over and eat lunch? And I'm like, yeah, we went over there, we had lunch. We went, we went and got coffee. It was fucking very, like, not Joey. Like, it had nothing to do with what I had ever done before in a girl. This is why I fucking walked around with gloves on. I didn't want her to know about my life. I definitely didn't want her to know about the cocaine.

I definitely, you know, I told about the prison. I told about all this shit, but I didn't want her to see a negative side of me because I didn't think she could handle it like she was that sweet of a girl. And I'm like, you know what? I'm going to do what I do with all my other relationships. I'm going to fucking just do my best until one day she decides I'm a loser and she'll disappear on her own. There was only one problem.

She didn't disappear. She kept showing up. We kept going on for coffee and we kept going on dates. Then we went to fucking a couple gigs together. And then she started driving me to gigs. And then came that one fucking time in July when I was getting ready to leave. And at the time, I'm not going to tell you guys that when I first started dating my wife for the first 90 days. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers?

Listen, I want to talk to you about better help. You got to take care of your mind. You spend a lot of time taking care of everything else. your hair, your teeth, you go to yoga, and that's great. But your brain health affects how your experience life. Investing time and energy and mental health is crucial for happiness. Eating right, working out, and getting plenty of sleep. But BetterHelp makes online therapy accessible, convenient, and affordable.

Why is therapy important? Let me explain something to you. I was struggling for a few months, and a friend told me to contact, Better Help, I did, and today I'm living a better life. I see my therapist Dana twice a month. And BetterHelp is online therapy. That offers video phone and chat therapy sessions. You're not going to find a face-to-face therapist right now.

They're too high in demand. The pandemic just worked wonders on our minds. But Better Help is here for you. You can choose to see anyone. on camera, but it's a lot more affordable than in-person therapy, and you can be matched with a therapist under 48 hours. What I'm going to do for you, the joint listeners, get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com slash Diaz.

That's BetterHelp, B-E-T-E-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Diaz. Go over there right now and talk to somebody live to help you get through the rest of the year. You're going to need it. Better help. 10% off when you put in code Diaz. So it's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Now back to the show.

For the first 90 days, I didn't know what was going on. You ever get in the relationship? You don't know what's going on? It's like, I'm a chatty type of dude. Are we dating now? So I didn't know what to do, but I didn't do nothing on this side either. Do you know what I'm saying? This is 2000.

This is June. July, August of 2000. Her and I were seeing each other a lot regularly. Guys, I don't have any reason to lie to you. There was no sex. I didn't want to treat this like I had done all my other relationships. I didn't want sex to overtake everything. I wanted to really enjoy somebody for the first time my life,

which, guys, it sounds crazy coming from me. And at the time, guys, I was, when I met her, I was 37 years old. tell you some guys when you're 37 years old and she was 30 and she had been cheated on the whole fucking deal you know and I had gone through my fucking mess and it's so weird when you when you speak to a girl when she's 21 like the guy she wants on tall dark he has to have a boat and then when they're 30 check her out again you know she's been cheated on the guy fucked her cousin at the wedding you know you know and then when you bump into them when they're 40 they start talking about

teeth and a job and fucking okay car the same girl that told you her husband had to have a Lamborghini and all this shit now says I'll take a Ford Prius I don't give a fuck you know I just want a guy that has a job and treats me well and I started thinking about that I was 37 years old guys I had no job I had no car I had nothing going for me I had been doing comedy for nine years I was a regular at the store I had zero bank account I had four pair pants

four shirts four sweaters a hooded sweatshirt no underwear I'm not lying to you guys I mean I had nothing and I think the first time I was like wow we're on to something here was when I went to New York

the story I told on on a sickler that I was going to New York and she hunted me down. And there was a party at Ralphie's. And she came over. And we were just fucking hanging out, whatever. It was like Ralphie, Celine, God rest her soul. Ricky Cruz, he'll be here next week.

Sean Rouse. God rest his soul. Jody Fur. I mean, it was a, we used to have these great little parties in the building. And I left the comedy store one night. I didn't see my ex-wife. She was wrapping up. She was my girlfriend at the time.

We were dating. I don't know what the fuck we were doing. And she showed up at Ralphie Mae's house, and she's like, hey, you know, I came by to say goodbye. I know you're going to New York today. And I was pretty embarrassed, like, that she was there. I think I had done like a couple lines, and that's why I didn't want her around.

Because at that time, whenever I did coke, I would disappear. I wouldn't want to see her, me. I was coming down that night, and we talked for a little while on the couch. And then we just started talking outside. And it was like, you ever hear the Michael Jackson song? Remember the time when we fell in love? You know, I have always loved that song.

You know, I'm a stupid romantic at time. That's a great fucking jam, man. He says when we used to talk all night on the phone, when you meet somebody and you fall in love, you could talk to them all night on the fucking phone. But I didn't even have a phone. I didn't even have a cell phone to talk to all night. We were out in a stoop.

just talking all fucking night about life and what I wanted from this show I was going to do in New York and I'll never forget she's like all right you got to start getting ready and I go all right and I turned around and she goes are you okay do you have enough money to go I had like four cigarettes maybe three joints and maybe seven dollars something like that guys I know can you imagine getting out of plane with seven dollars and three cigarettes in those days I used to get on planes when the plane would land for collecting flight, I would fucking go behind the counter at the airport and steal it back to cigarettes.

That's how fucking crazy I was, guys. I just want you to know that there was no nothing. And that night, I got to go take a shower. She goes, do you want to ride to the airport? And again, I didn't want to, you know, for somebody to give you a ride to the airport in those days, it's LAX, it's six in the morning. It sucks.

And I was, like, embarrassed. And she goes, I'll give you a ride to the airport. And then she goes, how much money do you have? It was like I got nothing. I got like $7. And she had like $40 that she made waitressing. And she goes, don't worry about it. I'm going to go home and sleep all day.

I got change at the house. And I work again tonight. I'll get money to buy groceries and shit. We were both fucking poor. That's the first time my life I ever took money from a woman. Like it's not my, it was never something that was in my world, you know. I took money from fucking my aunt when my mother died, Sorida. know, I took money from her, but she was a woman and I was a kid.

That was a different story. After I turned 18, I didn't make it a hobby to have a woman support me. No, no, no. These guys, I thought that was cool. That was never in my boat. I don't know if I'm a control freak. I don't know what it is. I just don't want a woman support me.

I can see if you're in a bump, if you already been with a woman for 10 years, and you break an ankle and you need some help for six weeks, but for me to live off a woman, it wasn't going to happen. No matter what situation I was in, and this girl gave me like her last $40, and I was like, what the fuck am I going to do? I didn't want to take it,

because I knew if I took it, I'd be indebted to her. But it was the first time that somebody wanted to help me from their heart. So I took the fucking money, and I remember I came to New York, and the whole time I thought of her, I had to come to New York to do it, a show, a one-man show

at the HBO workspace. It ate a bag of dicks. I wasn't going. I wasn't even prepared. But I remember coming back and like just being blown away. And then I tried to hide from her for a while. Like I went like an extended road trip to Texas for like three weeks.

And that's when I would go to Houston and just do the whole month in Texas. And I remember coming back. And she was like, I want to pick you up at the airport. I'm like, no. Because I look like a fucking train hit me. You know, if I'm When I went to Texas, it meant that I was going down to the snorkeoke. That's it.

And do comedy, you know? Houston was the best place for me to do it. And I fucking came back from that trip, and I'll never forget she picked me up at the airport. And it was towards like September. And I go, where are we going? And she goes, let's go back to my house. And we went to her house and we ate. And I gave her some money that I owed her.

You know, I gave her the floor. even though she didn't ask for it. And I'll never forget her going, listen, Joey, you've been gone for a while. I could use help with the rent, you know. If you'd like, you could stay here. And I was like, that'd be very nice here. At the time, I was just crashing at anybody's house. I was crashing at Ralphie's couch or John Wesley.

I was crashing at like three different places. And I'll never forget, I go, that's great. And she goes, well, once you eat something, take a shower, get some rest. And when we'll finish, we'll go down there and pay. pick up your clothes and I go, this is everything I got. It was an army bag. And I go,

this is everything I got. This is as good as it gets in my life. And she was fucking blown the fuck away. And as embarrassing as that was, you know, usually when you meet a girl, you know, we lie to them. We tell

them we're more important than what we are or we lie about our salaries or whatever. know with her I never had a lie. She knew I was a bum. I mean, she knew I was a bum, but she saw something. I recently asked her, I don't know, a couple years ago when she goes, I used to watch you in the original room on Sunday nights, Joey,

and I thought that you would just not get in the breaks that you deserved or something, you know. But it was just great to have, like I just had a bad taste in my mouth from women, you know, all those fucking years and it's I think about my first marriage a lot guys and I want to share this with you because after 30 years ago I could just see you know man there's a lot of people who make hasty decisions

in their life when we're young I was one of them I got married over a religious fucking I got married because I didn't want a girl to have an abortion was I in love with her I don't fucking know but I let my religious beliefs

wrote me into a marriage that I didn't want to be in number one, number two. I wasn't ready for, you know, and I got to be honest to you guys, I don't think a lot of you guys are ready for these marriages. And I think that people rush into marriage today. I look at all these young kids. Like, when I lived in L.A.,

I got invited to one wedding a year, and it was somebody here, you know, and you just put 200 in the car and go, I'm not fucking taking a six-hour flight for a fucking wedding. But now that I'm here, I'm getting invited to a bunch of weddings. And I'm looking at these people. I'm not talking about you, Mike.

I'm talking about, like, I have a friend that I got an invite for their kids, and I'm looking at them, they're 23. They're 23, you know, and I could see that where they get married, you know. I could see the type of kid she is, the demands she's already making. And I think sometimes women fucking, they don't think right about who they're going to marry. They're so concerned with the fucking wedding. they get so blindsided by the fucking smoke that they don't see the fire. And trust me, guys, I was blindsided by a wedding.

And I don't know if I got beat on that plane right after the wedding and going, what the fuck did I just did? It was the worst case of buyer's remorse in the fucking world, man. Listen, and dog, I'm no genius, but I guarantee a lot of people get married and three days later to get buyers remorse. Because whatever. You know, it's like I have a girl I went to school with, and her daughter contacted me like three years ago.

Me and this girl didn't talk for like 25 fucking years over some stupid shit. And the daughter called me. She's like, I'm her daughter. And I'm like, oh, my God, the daughter was so fucking goofy. And I went out of the line. I looked at the daughter and her husband. Oh, my God.

I can't believe that my friend is from North Bergen. Because if my daughter would have shut up with that guy, I would have beat the fuck out. that guy and then told my daughter you're done you gotta go you gotta pick your higher levels this guy he was like a tap dancer which right away is not bueno in my book and he's he looks like a tap dancing and he's got the smile and they posted pictures the other day this is the best way to get have children with your best friend from college and both husbands had matching hood things where you hold the babies listen i'd rather stick a fucking knife in my eye i really do the first time you

see me next to another 50 year old with matching baby holsters and they have like absolutely say something just stop talking to me just stop like joey you fucking you you fucking disappointed us to the highest degree of life how can you have a matching baby carrier with some other half a fag it looked terrible but anyway not to dwell on that like i see these young girls that they don't even know they pick these half of fags and they did i just want to get married with my bestie what the fuck are you talking about i wouldn't marry that guy if he was the last guy on fucking earth with his little fucking car shoes you know those little black and white shoes like elvis costello shit knock it off yeah knock it the fuck off guys oh my god so what you know like i made a

fucking huge mistake when i got married obviously she made a huge mistake when she got married to me but this marriage i mean i took with everything that i listen i did not want to get a married. In fact, I was content with dying fucking alone. Listen, guys, I had had it. And not that I had been, just the last thing with my, with my daughter

Jackie and my ex-wife and how it went, if you knew anything about it, I was ready to give up on fucking love. I had no right falling in love. I was 0 for 9. I'd maybe had three fucking good girlfriends and then, but I got to tell you what

happened from that interview. Tuesday night, I was sitting here watching my business, and I got a call from my old girlfriend, the one I dated before Terry. There was one chick I had like a little affair with in between Terry, and then there was the chick I dated for five years, maybe. I dated her from 95 to, yeah, like 99, like that. And that was a weird relationship. We were, I'm more food. We were like Tony Soprano and the chicky choked. I forget what her name was.

me and her we loved each other there was a lot of passion so I didn't know where this chick hits me out and she goes hey man I listen to you Ryan Sickler podcast today now we're tight her and I are fucking super tight I talk to I'm her kid's godfather you know but she was like do you have a minute to jump on a call and I'm like not really my wife is sitting next to me I mean we're watching something can I call you little one I called the back

and we ended up talking on the phone till like one in the morning about where our relationship went wrong and how she felt years later she felt that I didn't give her a chance at the end she goes we were having a lot of problems but you didn't want to give me a chance and I go listen I'm the type of guy man but I give everything a chance but there was nothing in the world I wanted at that time more was to be accepted as a stand-up comic and you were getting in my way and I don't know what day this week it all made sense because I think one day this week, Rogan and infamous, the kid, I forget what his name is, a crazy man from New York City.

Shultz, Shultz was on his podcast, and he was telling Shultz that Joey Diaz was fucking destroying people in the parking lot. But then he could, he would get up on stage and suck a bag of dicks. He was funny, naturally, but he didn't know how to transform it. And I always tell people that I was going for something. And a lot of you guys are going for things. And this girl was putting a lot of weight on my life. I loved her very much.

And I cared for her very much. But at the same time, I wasn't looking to get married. I wasn't looking to have fucking kids. I wasn't looking to go to dinner with your fucking parents. Like, I wasn't looking to go to a wedding because your sister's getting, you know. Once you take a relationship to meet your parents, it's only going. goes uphill. The next step is, you know,

nobody wants to meet your fucking parents. You know, if a chick's a dirty hoe and she brings 80 guys over a month, she doesn't want to fucking, she doesn't want to fucking bring another guy home, whatever the fuck I'm trying to get to. So, you know,

we just talked about what went wrong in the relationship. And I'll tell you something. At 60 years old now, man, it's so great. to be able to look into your life and see where you made these fucking huge mistakes. I loved my ex-girlfriend before Terry. Loved her.

But she took up too much of my energy, and that energy was taken away from my stand-up. And as soon as we broke up, I launched that's a stand-up comic. I mean, I didn't become fucking George Carlin, but I made these strides. Like sometimes you're cut in the plateau. Oh, right after that relationship broke, I got to a different level in stand-up because I had lost all that. You spend so much energy thinking about somebody.

You spend so much energy thinking about your future that you lose sight of what's in fucking front of you. So, I mean, this week after watching the Cicla podcast, why didn't watch it? People thinking about what I said, those words, and then having that conversation with my ex-execlop. girlfriend fucking just really help me to look into where I made mistakes as a young man with relationships and you know what listen I always feel guilty about my 10 years in

boulder being single or it was like five years in boulder and then I was really always with this girl from Florida since 95 to 99 so in reality I was only single for like five fucking years from 90 to 95 and I was involved in some you know I was involved with some great girls from time to time I was involved with girls that were crazy and I got to be honest you I was involved with girls that bitch were looking for the same thing I was looking for which is fucking scary like they were in the same boat as me I think of a relationship I was having in Boulder where I would see her once a week she was involved in a fucking four or five year relationship and on Sunday night she would come over and go,

I broke up with him. Let's go take Roe Hypnals. And we go to a warehouse behind the strip club. The strip club was called a bus stop. And up there was these like, you know, those aluminum garages, you know, those little storage facilities. There was a guy who lived in a storage facility. It was like a thousand degrees.

He'd always opened the garage, sweating profusely and shit. This is 95. And I remember we used to go over there. and buy Roofies and go out to this margarita place in Boulder fucking tremendous

you had a three margarita limit and we only allowed three for person three margaritas and they asked you to leave and fucking our job was to dose each other without the other guy

knowing fucking brilliant shit within three drinks within three drinks, and then we go somewhere and snort Coke and fuck and blackout. I mean, we black out and wake up on Monday, and she'd go, I'm late for work, see you next Sunday, and then Tuesday I go to the restaurant, and she'd be there swap and spit with her boyfriend, and she'd wave, and the boyfriend would wave, and then Sunday, like, a week later, I'd see her again, she'd go, we're broken up, and she'd do it again. She'd go back with him Monday morning.

I felt like a fucking horrible person, but it wasn't me. It was her. It wasn't like I wasn't cheating on anybody. I was just fucking trying to be a young guy, you know. I'm just trying to snor coat, but I had, it was horrible. And looking back at it, like, it's a lifestyle that you think you like, like all these guys like, all I need is a piece of ass once a month and I'm good. Well, I was getting a piece of ass once a month.

And I got to tell you something, didn't fucking feel good. Just didn't fucking feel good at all, man. But anyway, that's what I wanted to touch base on this beauty. for motherfucking Monday. It's a great, it's gonna be a great month. I'm having a great summer so far. My life is right where I want to be it. I was talking to Lee and I'm like, Lee, listen,

I don't give a fuck about money. I don't get a fuck about none of this shit. You know, when I was living in LA with those fucking dumpsters, they're fucking, you know, they made you feel desperate. Like they always made you feel like you were missing out. You weren't working.

And now I'm feeling great that I'm just fucking at home. don't care about the money. I'm feeling better. I'm looking better. I'm acting better. My stand-up is getting a little better. I'm excited.

You know, the thing I was, guys, honest to God, I was a little, I was going to pull back on the residency and look into like the theater and Red Bank. I was also going to look at, before I started this New York residency, I was also going to look at a residency, maybe at oceans. maybe at the Borgata, okay? They'd be close to the home. I thought the numbers were going to go up this winter and I didn't really want to go into the city

and have to wear masks. I'm not doing a show where you guys are wearing masks. I'd rather cancel the fucking show. And now after the shows are sold out, I could tell you that these shows are sponsored by fucking laughing gas. You know, the first show is me and Ari, and the second show is me,

Kim Tavaris, Kim Condom, and Sarah Weincheck, they work for laughing gas, so they'll be coming in October 8. But what I wanted to tell you guys was, I really wanted to fucking switch the residency to New Jersey just because I was scared of mandates and shit. And I read something. They sent me like this thing like a week before.

And they said, what do you like? Joey D is this, Joey D is that. There was something about Joey Diers on Broadway. That just, it just made me think of fucking Jackie Gleason. It made me think of anybody who ever did anything special in New York. I always wanted to do something special in New York. I remember so much of New York as a child, how it fucking made me feel when I'd walked to Times Square.

I used to walk to Times Square with my godfather with my mom from 88th Street. And I still remember how I felt as a kid, just walking down Broadway, passing the Lincoln Center. and all that shit. It really makes me proud, man. I got a month, and I'm going to try to do the best shows I can. I'm looking into a DJ, you know. I'm looking into some fucking two girls dancing like the fucking,

what's my group with Slash and that group that he had Velvet Revolver, that one song, he's got girls dancing in the bubble, like dressed nice in a cage. I'm going to try to get two of those girls to dress in the cage. You know, I just want to. do something different guys so it's uh five dates like i said they're 40 tickets do not pay a fucking dime more than 40 dollars it's 10 dollars for the service fee i did this for you guys to you know listen everybody's raping the american public did you see that

on friday that plane tickets are still going to go up more listen they're trying to fucking rapists you're already starting to see pieces of this i'm starting to see it already two weeks ago I had a show in Point Pleasant. Guys, Point Pleasant in July, it's like the hottest place on earth. Everybody's down there. They either take day trips from northern New Jersey or New York. My neighbors around the corner went to Jenkinson. There was nobody there at 10 o'clock at night, guys.

You know, we're already starting to see this. I just didn't want to be a problem. I wanted to be a solution, and I want to have a good time with you guys. So, like I said, do not pay over $50. for those tickets. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. You're going to hear some sponsors. You heard Better Help before.

And that's it and that's that. I want to thank you guys for watching on a Monday morning. It's a new month, Cocksuckers. And I'll see you little bastards Wednesday. Tip Top Magoo, Cocksuckuckers. Stay black. All right. I want to thank you fucking savages for listening on a beautiful Monday morning.

The joint is brought to you by BetterHelp. What's Better Help? that works. How do I know? Because they helped Uncle Joey. Listen, your brain health affects how you experience life. Investing time and energy and mental health is crucial, especially what we've gone through over the last two years. I know you're eating right. You're staying in. You're not jumping up and down a party. But BetterHelp makes online therapy accessible, convenient, most importantly affordable. I was struggling for a few months. I contacted Dana. at Better Help, I started seeing a four times a month. Now I'm down at two times a month. And as you guys can see, my life has changed.

I'm comfortable with who I am, and I'm comfortable in my skin again. So do me a favor. You could choose to see somebody or not see anybody on camera. It's up to you. It's more affordable than in-person therapy and you can be matched with a therapist

in under 48 hours. That's BetterHelp. Joint listeners, I'm going to get your 10% off, your first month, at betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, that's betterhelp. com slash Diaz.

The joint is brought to you by one of my personal favorites, Liquid IV. Listen, the summer months, it's fucking hot. And you need to be proactive about keeping your bodies fueled and hydrated.

Making a hydration, a priority is going to help you feel healthier in your everyday lives. One stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of water. hydrates you two times faster than water along. Liquid IV is tremendous. I love it.

They even have a compocha now. They have a hydration. They have an immune system, but they also have 10 flavors. Pinyaladas, tremendous, tropical punch, Concord grape, the cherries grape. Listen, go with liquid IV first thing in the morning before a workout or when you feel run down from a long night

of getting your whistle twisted. You know what I'm saying? The single-use package makes it easy for you to stay hydrated while you're traveling. It contains five vitamins, B3, B5, B6, B-12, and vitamin C. That's three-time the electrolytes of traditional sports drinks. So grab your Liquid IV in bulk at Costco. You can do that, but you're not going to get no fucking savings. If you go through Joey and Liquidiv.com and pressing Joey at checkout,

out, I'm going to get you 15%. This shit's expensive. It's tremendous and it works. But Uncle Joey's here to save you some money. So put in code Joey, and I'm getting your 15% off. And go get your whistle bent. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great week.

Stay black. And I'll talk to you guys Wednesday morning, tip top of boo.