The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #188 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: June 20, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Steve Simeone. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 06/20/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. This podcast is also brought to you by Onit.com. Go there for all of your nutrients. They have alpha brain, immune, shroom tech, sport, anything.

Use code word church and get 10% off. And thank you to Nailed. Live.com. For the premier vapor pen on the market, which you can use oil and wax in. Go to Nailed.atLife.com. I mentioned Joey Diaz and get 20% off. What's going on here? Cuckers. Start that up again.

That's right there, right there. June 20. Friday, June 20th, you bad motherfuckers. NWA in the house. What? If you're going to wake up with somebody, who's better than a fucking nigger to wake up with? What? We're going deep today on the church of what's happening now, you bad motherfuckers.

Little NWA here. Dick this shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what? June 20th, the day the devil was gang raped and they gave him a shot for Chlamydia in his asshole. What? Lee, where's the wiggle cop, sucker? Steve Simone in the house. Where's the wiggle, Lee?

Uh. Grabbing his nuts. Grabbing his nuts. Did you grab your fucking nuts today? It's Friday the 20th. Grab the motherfucker to salute the flag and realize you're a fucking American cocksucker. What?

Are you fucking kidding me or what? Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Good morning. Special Friday edition. I couldn't put you out there with a half a fag. You know what I'm saying? I couldn't put you out there like walking around today. You're going out.

It's Friday. You're getting a paycheck. You're going to get a package from the fucking drug dealer. You're going to get your dick sucked and your balls look like a fucking sergeant tonight, baby. It's a nonstop battle, but it starts right here with the church of what's happening now. I got my main motherfuckers in the house, Steve Simone out of Philly. My man, the flying Jew direct from Jerusalem.

Are you kidding me? Or what? What's happening, brother? Not much, dude. It's been an interesting couple hours with you. That's right. You texted me last night. When he texted me, I went to Paul, was like, look who texting me.

She's like, I thought he didn't text. I'm like, oh, shit. Something must be going down. I was so fucking high. last night. It was going down last night. You understand me? Let me tell you something. My biggest fear is needles. Yeah.

My biggest fear is needles in the world. I hate going for them. You know, when I cop to them, when you call me and go, Joe, you have to come in for a shot or something, I go, yeah. And I play it off, and the night before, I'm a fucking mess. Like the night before, before I go to bed, it hits

me as I put the sleep apnea mask on, that I got to go for a shot. So I'm always a little fucked up weeks that I'm going to get blood test. I shot in my knee, even acupuncture. The night before, it bothers me for like three minutes. Acupuncture, not anymore because I'm used to it. Yesterday, I had to go shoot my knee.

You needed to drive to do it. I'd have to drive to Marina Del Rey, which, you know, and they put like this little thing on your knee. They scope it, and he could see the knee and the joint, the cartilage, and he shoots it right into your fucking knee. I'm looking at you two guys from my heart and telling you, I didn't feel the needle. Oh, wow.

Dr. Nicole is a genius. I've been going, Dr. Nicole did my surgery. You know, he took care of my toe when I broke it, my wrist when I heard it was getting thrown at fucking jujitsu. He took care of this knee. And yesterday, you know, I had to pay for the medication even though I'm level one insurance. It's a new drug. They shot my left knee, and it's not cortisone. And my left knee was different because they have to give me three different shots every week for three different weeks.

So I had to drive down there every Monday at 11 o'clock. This was six months ago, and it controls the arthritis, and it creates like a seal around your car. And it repairs the cartilage. It helps to repair the cartilage to give you that cushion in the knee. So yesterday morning had it go. That was all I had on my agenda yesterday. And you know me, though. I'm a fucking pussy.

You know, the reason why I get fired up like this, Lee, isn't because I get fired up and I'm some fucking asshole. I have to talk myself into things. You have to talk yourself into things. And you have to call yourself a fucking faggot, a fucking cunt. What the fuck is wrong with you? Whatever it takes, you know? So, you know me? I get to the 405 in this.

traffic right away I'm turning that motherfucker around you know right away I'm turning that motherfucker around I went by off the 101 Lee whatever you fucking name is Steve Simone the fucking cars at 1015 were pass

Sepovita oh yeah so do you understand me like the subpovita exit was packed where a lot of people mistake themselves and get caught in that that's why when I go to the 405 I stay in the left hand lane because if you're not thinking of you're stone that's people like me, you get caught in that line

and all of a sudden when you get to it, you're not waiting for 405, you're waiting for Supervo. But not yesterday. Yesterday the Superva line was all the way back to Laurel Canyon and the 405 line. Lee knows. I've done that all the time. Until about 11 o'clock,

if you get in that line for the 405, you're going to be there for 40 minutes. For 40 minutes, if you're a fucking asshole. You feel like an asshole, but you have to cut in line. That loop to get from the 101 of the 405. Yeah. To go south is going to be 30, 40 minutes. They weren't letting nobody on.

Nobody was letting it cut yesterday. So I passed it and I go, I'm not going to the doctor. Right away, the pussy of me came out. I'm going to go home. I'm going to smoke some pot. Fuck this motherfucker. Fuck that. I got off at Haskell.

The next one, yeah. And at Haskell, you get off and you hit Ventura. And you hit Ventura and Sepovita. And guess why? No line. No line. Right. And I got on there.

And I even called the doctor. It was 1020. And my appointment was 11. and I even called and said, I'm going to be 15 minutes late because I looked at the traffic, it was bumper-to-bumper. And I thought they closed the HOV lane. I realized I was in the HOV lane. They had put holes on this lane at the outside.

I got there 10 to fucking 11. Oh, my gosh. I got in, I walked in there, walked upstairs. I had my iPod on. I put on fucking Bush, as great as it. He came in. I mean, I was in my car by 11.30. That's awesome.

In my car. So there was no thought. Like, usually once I get to the doctor's office, office if they're stored about the shot that even scares the fuck on me i get nauseous i get pale you go right in the girl and i want to thank miranda who he's are she works for him and it's funny because when i first started going to miranda well the doctor Nicole like the first visit everybody was nice to me and the second visit the girl came in and she goes you know my uncles fucking love you and they're like fucking thugs like they fucking love you dog oh that's awesome she takes

care of me because she calls me uncle joey because of our uncles so like thanks for they'll be at the ice house. Oh, that's awesome. They'll come up. She comes up with her family. The cousins are all yoked up. In fact, when I was there yesterday, they want to know when you're going to do a

jiu-jitsu tournament. Is that true that you're fighting Bolliotris Day and Meta Morris and shit? Like, they always bust my house. That's awesome. So I don't even have to call the office. I just hit her up on Facebook and go, Miranda, I want to come in for my knee

and she'll set it all up. Oh, that's awesome. I thanked her last night. I got to send it like a box of yum yum donuts or something down there. What's up, cock liquor? Nothing. I can already feel this goomy coming in. Day fucking three of Lee Syatt's workout.

I'm very proud of him. I'm trying. He's trying. He knows. He knows. And the thing you told me was going to happen, happened. So, yeah, the first day I went early in the day. And I liked it, but it was fucking, I slept the rest of the day. Like, I got home. Your body went to shot.

Yeah. You did 15 minutes on the epileptic. I was going to try to watch you on Rogan, and I couldn't do that. I watched a little bit, but I fucking passed out. And I slept probably from then. I woke up for like a couple hours, but mostly all day. And then yesterday, Paula came over, so we wanted to go later in the afternoon, and I was where it was going to be packed.

It wasn't. They have a lot of machines over there. But I could do 15 on the elliptical instead of 10. I was dying. And then I went to the bike, and a lot of people say that they get motivated by, like, the really fit people. And it doesn't do anything for me because I know I'm never going to be able to do that. So I look for the fat people, and I'm like, yeah, there's all the fat people here.

and I just happened to be next to a chubby black guy and Paula finished a little bit before me and I said I just want to get to 15 minutes on the bike because I was at like six and as soon as I got off at 15 on the dot and as soon as I got off the black guy like tap me on the shoulder he's like you got to 15 right I'm like yeah he's like good for you for coming out man

it takes a lot of mental stuff and he's like I've been coming for two months I went from 315 to 298 Wow I was like that's awesome I did everything because I was dying but like just that little bit of night Because I would never do it, but that little bit of niceness.

And I was like, I'm going to look for him again now. It's amazing from when you were a kid and you try to do something for yourself and people would goof on you. It would break your balls. I can't imagine, like in Philly, like you got up in the morning. Somebody's doing portions of, hey, rock. Keep it up, cock. You know, it's like you get torched. That's changed.

That's changed. Yeah. When you go to a gym now and you see, like, there's times I'm at the wine. I see somebody that's five years older than me, 50 pounds heavy than me walking. And when they get off, I give them a fucking good for you. It's the best, isn't it? And they feel good. You know why?

Remember Christy Miller? Yeah. I was telling these guys in the podcast that Christy Miller used to work at the gold gym on Gower. Yep. The fucking capital of gayness is gym. And is it still there? I think so. It's still there?

This is 15 years ago. This girl cared about me. And one day she pulled me aside. She didn't want to embarrass me. She goes, Joey, I think the world of you, before I quit goals, I signed you up for the executive platinum deal. All you got to do is show up. Lee, it took me three months.

I would drive there and look at the building and fucking, no parking. No parking, because there's never any parking. And one day I said, this girl went out of her way to get me a membership. And I went in there. What a hard call. And I didn't even do the machines of the epileptical that I was so fucking far behind. I went right for the bench press and the fucking curls and squats. And I'm killing myself.

And I had to be at that time, maybe 360. Wow. It was the beginning of the end. And every night, man. And whatever. So what? They were gay. So what?

They come up to you and go, listen, man, we're here for you. Wow. One guy came up to me goes, I've been watching you. You know, work on your farm. But he goes, I want you to take it easy. He goes, I come here every night and I see that you come. People are very supportive at the gym. It's not fucking.

The country is suffering from. an epidemic that we didn't know it was going to come to this. Well, it's kind of fucked up that we have to pay to go someone to work out. Like, if we told someone who were farmers, hey, we have to pay money to go get exercise. Like, what are you talking about? Just go out in the field and do work. Like, I thought about that as I was paying the thing. I'm like, it's kind of fucked up that we have to pay to go.

But we're programmed for that. You're programmed to exercise. Your body needs it. But as technology started to make life easier, that's why you need to get into. Listen, at all these parks now, especially in Hollywood, North Hollywood, New Valley. Whether you go to this park, there's a park off more park. It's a kids park. They have a basketball court.

If you look deep, deep in the baseball courts on the other side, there's a walkway. There's a thing that you can walk because I take Mercy up there. Mercy doesn't like playing at that park. She likes running around and playing at that field. But in the corner, there's a workout area. They have a pull-up bar and a squat machine, and it's all body weight. Yep, dips.

If you go to North Hollywood Park, theirs is phenomenal. phenomenal. They have the treadmill without the machine that you're doing it. And your legs better be moving because there's no controller. So you get on that motherfucker

and your legs start fucking shaking. You don't know what to do. North Hollywood Park is the greatest secret if you want to lose weight. Like now I'm lazy. But when I first moved here, my wife doesn't get up to 8 or 7

or my wife leaves early in the morning. I would drop her off and park at North Hollywood Park and get super stoned in the fucking car. Super jacked up. And I'd walk four times around there. You walk around North Hollywood Park four times. See what happens to you.

See what happens to you. Oh, and that's perfect, but I don't know about for you. For me, I needed to pay to go to the gym because I'm never going to go. Right, you won't go. You're Jewish. You pay, now you've got to get what's coming to you. And then when they start hitting you for the 60s and the 70s,

you know, I told them not to go to like L.A. fitness. There's a lot of gyms around here to just rip you off. They make you sign a contract. Dog, it's 2014. We ain't signing no fucking contract. And I know that it raises your commitment level to some degree, but at the other degree, the gyms don't give a fuck about your commitment. They give a fuck about your money.

You know, if somebody really cares about you, they care about your health. You follow me? At the while, you go in and fill out paperwork that you don't have a job, and they'll give you a scholarship. If you could show that you're a fucking worthless sack of shit, if you're just a worthless sack of shit, don't want to get a job. It looks like you're walking around the fucking North Hollywood.

But if not, it looks like you're... I'm telling you, man, people are supportive in these gyms. They're not there to fucking put you down. They're not there giggling at you like they were in high school. And when you see somebody fat and you make eye contact with them, that means the world to them. Yeah. That means the world to them.

Yeah. I really want to get this thing going where I like to get like a club of jiu-jitsu guys that are over 40 to get together once a week somewhere in North Hollywood and maybe wrestling. out in the fucking North Hollywood Park or something. That'd be great. Guys over 40, the guys that are the my age that I could really judge.

No ego. No ego that I could really judge my, what I'm doing. Because part of the guy, the problem, when you go to Jiu-Jitsu now and you're 50, you're rolling around with guys that 25, you know. And it sucks ass. They got shit that you don't got.

I mean, the 25-year gap really sucks. You know, it really fucking makes it different. So, but no, Lee, I'm proud of you that you made the choice. And I cut Diet Coke out that's gone. from just water. You're 25 years old. And you know what the... I wish I was 25 years old now.

Yeah. To tell you how easy it could be when... Because you don't want to do this when you're 40. No. When you're 40, they're going to come a time. You're going to gain 30 pounds. And you're going to go, you know what? I really did this.

Yeah. I did this. So this is coming right off. Yeah. But right now you're 25. Right now, your metabolism, you could fucking eat a cake. And it's gone within 10 minutes.

It should be. Well, not mine. But yeah, it should be because you haven't kicked that motherfucking engine in. You got an engine. In the 80s, there was Penzoil. And Pennzo's motto was either you could pay me now or you could pay me later. That stuck with me for my life. Those people that drive around going to change the oil and their engine blows up.

And they go, what the fuck happened? And that was their motto. Either you could pay me $1.99 now or you could pay me 800 later. You're going to pay me. So you got to get into exercising. Yeah. And I did it as a child. And when I got into comedy, I sold my job.

sold so deeply into comedy that I go, who needs their fitness? You always need your fitness. You always need to breathe. You always need that hour for yourself. That hour for yourself is so spectacular. My wife left the other day and she came back

and I could see that she was a different person and I go, you got to do this three days a week. That fucking lunatic came home the other day with an idea that she was going to go back to work full time. I had to shut her down. Like, are you fucking crazy? You do part-time with this human kettlebell? That's what my daughter is.

She's a human fucking kettlebell dog. Okay? You know, you carry her around all fucking day. You don't need yoga. You don't need weights. You don't need fucking stretching. So, yeah, and I said, there's a 6.30 yoga class Tuesday night.

I go, go down there for an hour. You talk to some people? Listen, man, when I talk to you? When was the last time me and you got emotional? We don't. We talk about podcasting or stupid fucking jokes. Or Steve Simone and his podcast or Rick Ramos or a...

movie or hummus. You know, it's really nice to talk to people that just want to talk sometimes. You think I go to Jiu-Jitsu because I'm going to be a world champion Jiu-Zitsu guy of 58? No, because I sit with people and I talk to them about shit. It's something that I don't have to go look at Steve

because no matter what Steve and Simone and I talk about within six minutes, we're going to be talking about comedy. Yeah, that's true. And you and me within four minutes, we're going to be talking about it. So what do you think of this guy? We think of this fucking jerk off. Did you see this fucking idiot's videos?

You know, you're always talking about entertainment. Yeah. Sometimes when you go to a gym, it's to just be normal people. Yeah, it's so true. When I first started this fitness thing, I said for me, when I first got off Coke, I said, I want to get back to where I was when I didn't do Coke. And I used to go to martial arts.

So I went to martial art school. So I went and visited them, and at every school, people go, Hey man, you got a spot tonight at the improv Right away, I don't care how good the school was I didn't go back Yeah Because I didn't want people talking about comedy So I went to the school in Vermont

With just black people And conga drums doing kung fu It's black, you would do kung fu with black people No They're the most dedicated fucking kung fu students You'll see in your life They'll get the chopsticks out They'll take the chicken off the bone

When eat it with a chopstick They're fucking savage is black people And that's what I went I went down there It was like eight black dudes you know, a Seifu Earl, whatever, white. And I didn't talk about acting for eight months in there. Somebody said, man, I was watching the Spider-Man, too, with my kid,

and I saw, is that you? And then you got to say, yeah, and they'll ask you what you're in. I didn't want to talk about that. Yeah. I just want to be an old fucking guy, man, you know? You get sick and fucking tired of talking to the same fucking people. No offense to you guys. Yeah, it's true.

It's the fucking true. It's like you talk to the pizza guys. It happens to everybody. Like when I used to work in an office and you hang out with them after work, you go to a bar, you think you're going to go to a bar and have like a nice drink. It's always talking about the boss sucks. Can you believe they made us do this? And it's just, it used to kill me.

I stopped going out with people from work. I don't want to have the same conversations I have at lunch. What's up with you, my man? You went back to Phil. You came back with no tin of fucking cookies. You're looking out. Life is beautiful. How was Philadelphia?

It was wonderful. I opened up for restaurants. Run is easy at helium. That club's great. If the air conditioner is working. Because July, those motherfuckers, that dude's Jewish. He hasn't fixed that air conditioning in 20 fucking years. You know what?

Did it go out when you were there? It's been out for 90 fucking days. That's the story. He's like a fucking Jew landlord. That's the story of it. Yeah. Every time you get there, you're not going to believe it. Just before you came, the air went out.

The air was out last time, too. It's Philadelphia. The building is five fucking floors. It's 95% humidity. Yeah, the air conditioner of a fucking of a jet plane, you know, so he don't have it. He's not going to lift a rock for a new unit because it's 55 G's. So that's why I'm going in November this year. Oh, that's perfect.

I went in fucking July last year, and it was fucking mind-boggling. Yeah, the East Coast. Three shirts. Sizzling. You got to go on stage the second show where the shirt have wet. So I just brought another shirt, you know. Smart. But it's a great.

City. Loved it. It was so much fun. Renizzi sold everything out Wednesday through Saturday. Like I don't want to like promote shows. You know what I'm saying? But people I know you're in town and it was great to see old faces. Some people that like I just worked with them.

Like people that I didn't even know like I hadn't seen in 20 years. Remember me? And I'm like, yeah, I remember you. How you do? It was great. I love that. I love seeing people I haven't seen it. It really is weird when you see people you do their job with.

And now they see you in a different light. come up to you after the show like, what the fuck? Yeah. What the fuck? You know, that is a good time. Yeah, it's a good feeling. And you saw your mom? No, my parents were down in Florida.

Oh, that's right. They abandoned shit. But I saw my nieces and nephews. You saw your brother. Saw my brother. Yeah, saw my big brother, saw my little brother, saw all my aunts and uncles, took a train in Jersey to go see my Aunt Kathy. Where at?

She's over there in South Jersey. It's wonderful. Did you go to church? Went to church. How different is the church in Philly and the church here? There's a level of... Commitment. That's completely different.

Here, it's a social activity. In Philly, they go there because they really want to be. They really believe in the next fucking step. You know, they really believe in the next step, whatever the step may be, whatever your religion may be. It's so weird when you go to a place here, any fucking church they have here, it's always some fucking bunch of people talking about cookies afterward and, you know, drinking Starbucks coffee.

That's not what church is about, you know what I'm saying? What's up with you, player? Nothing. I have a little. I have about 10 minutes left. I can feel it. My main motherfucker, look at you. What's happening, baby boy?

What do you got playing for the weekend? I just Paula, and I'm going to try to go seven days because, I mean, like I said, I'm not lifting. I mean, touch lifting weights. No, no, no, I want you to take a rest for two days so it makes you motivate to go back on morning. But I like the elliptical. I mean, I haven't done any.

I'm not even sore yet. I know. Well, you'll be sore today. You think so? Oh, yeah, today we're going to take you on a mission from debt. Your training partner today is Steve Simone. It's over for you. We're going from here to Hollywood Park.

Did you bring the iPod with the flying Jews jumping up and down? You bring your speakers. Look at you. You're a fucking honey, Molly. I'm going to eat another edible to get you through. We'll smoke some more vapor pens. It's Friday. It's fucking Friday.

You understand me? Who's better than you? Nobody. Who's fucking better than you? I feel you. I hear you. You said, I got to enjoy yourself. What's going on with the live CD?

What's going on with this double-life Gonzo CD? July 11th and 12th. I'm headlined on La Jolla. Okay. What about this date you got in Irvine? Irvine Sunday night. What the fuck are you? You're going to promote that?

Yeah, we got to promote that too, but I'm doing the CD, the 11th and the 12th. And there too. Show up with him Sunday and do the TV again. You're going to do the next 4th? Just record everything. Yeah. That's what I'm going to do.

You know, what the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah, I got the H4N, just plug it right in. That's it. And then the producers right. This guy's hot. He's released six number one fucking CDs with me. Hesh. This is Hesh.

He's hash. He's hash from the sopranos. Now that's a hit. That's a hit. This guy's Hesh. I told him. I like that name from Hesh. Hesh.

That is perfect. You don't understand. You know, once you're hot, you've got to keep going with those people. You know, he got that energy from Gabriel. Where's the blog? You bring the bloggy to you? No. You slipped.

You see what I'm saying? Sorry. Slip. How are we going to document to you fucking falling down a cliff today? Back on. Oh, my God. You bad, motherfucking. What else you got playing?

You're going to movies? No, I mean, I don't know. I saw that Tom Cruise movie. already and that was okay nothing great but uh no is there anything out I don't fucking know that's your job

I gotta keep it you're the youth you're the young man on the show you're the one that keeps this fucking shit together you know what I'm saying it's Friday you're the fucking captain navigator on this show I'm a 50 fucking year old man right so what are you got playing this weekend I got nothing I'm gonna fucking rest

what I got playing I'm no fucking man there's no rest cogsucker you think that a man I'm going to probably leave here, go do some kettlebells. I think they're going swimming. The wife and the baby are going swimming for some fucking class on Friday today. They're very excited. Then I probably team up with them, and the baby's going to take an app.

Then I'm going to go write a little comedy today. Okay. I'm going to go write that stuff for Ari. I already got the story for Ari's storyteller. Oh, that's awesome. I'm out of the fucking water. What are you doing that one? September night.

And then I'm probably going to go, what do you got tonight? Tonight I'm driving down to San Diego. I'm doing the tipsy crow. Okay. With who? Mal Hall. Look at you. What's a tipsy crow?

It's a bar down in the Gaslight District. It's got a great little comedy room down in the basement. So it's like one of those speakeasy, cool kid bars. But Mal Hall's been running a show there for years. That's what I heard. That's right. And I did it years ago with Jay Larson, loved it. This is Mal's 30th birthday.

It's me. It's Dean Delray. It's him. It's going to be great. I love San Diego. Good for you. I might go over by Bob's Coffee House. Oh, the place in the Lager's.

Have you been there lately? I've heard about it. I walked over there with my wife there. They're very cute. What's his name? Is there making coffee for you? It's DeBone, right? From Fast Times of Richmond High?

Yeah, what's his name? Robert Romanus. Yeah, Bob. Yeah, good guy. Good guy. I went in there. I met him at auditions years ago. And you know what?

Listen, there's people that you see, like if you see Brad Pitt, it's Brad Pitt. Yeah. But there's people like Dennis Farina that you see. you go, fuck Brad Pitt. That's my motherfucker. Yeah, absolutely. You know, when you see Fast Times of Ridge Mile High, yeah, you think of Sean Pan.

You think of the big black guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The King of Scotland that played football. Yep, yep, Jefferson. DeMone. D'emone stole that movie. D'emone stole the movie. The whole movie's D'Amone.

So I went there, went to an audition three, four years ago, and there he is. And I'm like, oh, my fucking God, this guy's still around. Oh, the past. And one day they said, go to Bob. It's a coffee shop. Yeah, where is that in North Carolina? The problem with, it's across the Lemley. Oh, okay.

So the problem is parking. They got a pub right next to it. They opened the pub. Have you seen that new pub? There's a little pub there. And they opened up, see, what they're going to do in North Hollywood is the beautification act. Okay.

I guess Obama's sending a couple of Guitas is over here to fix up North Hollywood from the federal up, from Lancashim and Magnolia up. They're going to fucking fix that and put money into... Right, because that's on where. That's by Lemley, correct? By the federal, right? So from Magnolia up. Oh, that's awesome.

Now, you know they got a sausage place over there that I've never been to, like, hot dogs and sausages that people rave about. Like, if you want Bratworth, if you want... Are they doing Italian sausage? Yeah. Everything. Sausage and peppers?

Everything. Right down the block from fucking, so there's a pizza place in the corner. Firehouse pizza. Oh, yeah, yeah. That place is always packed. Then it's fucking no guts. I'll tell you what, the green spaghetti, the spinach spaghetti with the fucking tomato sauce, ain't bad.

Okay. The soup, the chicken soup. Like an escrow soup, a wedding soup? Yeah, I don't know. Okay. But the pizza, you want to stab yourself in the fucking neck when it comes. Oh, it's that bad? It's that bad.

But everything else is, you know, like you're going to date. They got sangria. Yeah, you're outside of those fire pits. 80 bucks to eat there? Oh, yeah. That's, they don't fuck around in there. It's 12 bucks with a bowl of soup and a cup of soup. It's fucking, you're going to drop 80 in that.

So this is what I'm saying to you. It's one of those places that you leave then and go, I just dropped 60 bucks. And I had a fucking sandwich and a soup. Yeah, that drives me crazy. What the fuck? Yeah, that drives me crazy. You know?

So that's that place. And you walk up a little bit, they have like a gym place where you walk in, right now, go over there. There's a million girls in there. The windows are fogged up. Oh, yeah, right on the corner. Yeah, the guy's man.

He's a gay name, Fabio, and oh my God, when you do a workout with Fabio, your body, you fucking fuck yourself, you fucking sappy bitch. Fawking Fobio doing jumping jack. Suck my dick. And it steamed up. They got like dropping classes from six to nine. You won't believe it, Lee. The glasses are farged, and every hot bra is going in there.

And, you know, but next to that is the sausage plate. Next to that is the Japanese joint Where they jump up and down Oh yeah I read the reviews for that place That place is crazy They give you a two hour window Of when they're gonna go eat And you have to wait outside and line

Because they don't know when they're gonna let you in Ah forget it Keep it And apparently it's not even that good The sushi sucks The entertainment if you're from fucking The Midwest or something If you get high

If you go to the state fair And have a good time You'll have a good time In this fucking place It's Japanese people jumping on your tables and there's hot chicks, but nobody's showing you that pussy. So who gives a fuck? You know what I'm saying?

I'm going to pay $80 to see a bunch of fucking Japanese people jump up and down. Get the fuck out of that. For three, you could get Godzilla on Netflix. You know what the fuck? The fuck. And to eat shitty sushi. But if I tell you this guy something, you know, me, I tell you how it is.

That's the first place I went to when I came to California. That's the first place people took me to eat. That Japanese spot. I want to never ride long. And a guy that used to write for Mad TV. I drove down here from Seattle and that's where they took me. In fact, I stayed somewhere in this neighborhood.

In fact, that black rider that took me there goes to the Y. I bump into him at the Y from time. Oh, that's awesome. So that's how long he's lived around here. So it's really amazing. Do you like working out high? I feel like it would cause like a panic attempt.

Tremant. Now, when you get on the epileptic, do you put your earphones on? Yeah. Wait till you fucking work out hot. Takes you to the next fucking level. You go, Joey, what the fuck? fuck did you do to me? This is

tremendous, Simo. I guess. And then you'll say to me, because once you get into a song, see, what happens when you're in the epileptical, you look at that clock. Yeah, that's what I do. Okay, everybody does, Lee. You're not going to tell me your fucking job. You look at that clock. So you look at it, when you get on, you go, I'm going to do five minutes,

and I'm going to get in the fuck out of here. Yeah. Fuck Joey, fuck Joey's mother. Fuck his daughter. I don't give a fuck. But then when you get to five, you start having a good time. It starts loosening up a little bit. It's the music that'll take. take you to the next level. 100%.

It's the music. And then a good song comes on, and all of a sudden you go, you know, I'm going to do 10 minutes. And then you say, I'm at 12 minutes, I read it 12. Let me do 15. And at 15, you're like,

I'm going to get off. And then you go, fuck it. I'm going to do one more minute. Yep. Because I'm going to do the end of this song. And there you did 16 minutes because the music carried you.

Close your eyes. Don't even look at that fucking time. I hate that fucking thing. I see people to smart. They cover it up. They cover it up. They throw the towel over it. Is that why they're doing that?

Yep. And then I sometimes I go to the gym just to listen to music. We too. Because like my iPod is pretty much the only place I really listen to music. That in the car. I don't have a home stereo or anything. But I go, all right, I'm going to go to the, all right, I'm going to listen to Pandora on the way down there. Pandora, Sinatra, loosen up.

It's all about the music. Really? Okay. It's all about the music. I've been listening to a podcast so far. And the podcast, too. Yeah. Yeah.

If you're already in the zone and a podcast is great. Yeah. But I think you should. You should put on the, what gets you hot? When you go to that concert to see those flying Jews and you jump up and down, it really does. And there's times that you, it's something you haven't heard in a while. Like the other day, I let's put on, I put on the aerosmith, the white, draw the line. I haven't heard that in 10 fucking years.

I always listen to King and Queens, but I listen for the whole album. Wow. By the third song, I had the tears in my eyes. It's the greatest. Rubbing it down my face. And now I got to work it out. And I'm at 22 minutes. And all I was, you know what I'm saying?

I thought the number would motivate you. It motivates me like, okay, I'm doing, like, I only have that much left. I thought that would be good. No, because what you're going to do is you're going to surpass what you think you can do. Right. I don't want you to work for that. I want you to surpass a minute. And you know what?

There's going to be two days that you're going to do 17 minutes. And you're going to go, I'm good with that. Yeah. But then if in the third day, you're going to take the day off and you're going to come back and now you're going to pick it up to 20. And at 20, you're going to go, I had another minute in me. That's okay. Save it for Tuesday.

Yeah. I'd rather you say. for Tuesday and the back of your mind you're thinking about it. Let me tell you where I like jiu-jitsu. Because I love going to kickboxing with Dave at Muay-I-Tai America. I still drop in there from time to time and talk to him and

I'll do it private with them. The problem was I was doing it all my life. If we're going to improve as human beings, you have to keep learning. And you have to keep figuring your mind out. Your mind has to keep spinning, guys. I don't give the fuck if you're a plumber by trade. That's a trade you chose.

I'm happy you chose it. But at night, you got to read a book. Yeah. At night, you've got to do a puzzle. You know, bro, if you're just going to sit there in front of the fucking TV, you know, and learn from discovery, hey, I've learned how to make meth from discovery. I've learned about fucking the ice and ages. You learn about history on TV. But it gets to a point that your mind has to become analytical.

When I go to jujitsu and I leave jujitsu, after I come home and I have my protein shake and I sit down, I take two hits of the vapor, or I eat a half an edible. Whatever they taught me that night starts running in my mind. Running in your mind, okay, so I got to push him and the hip escape and then grab him, pull him in, hook my legs,

cover his arm so he doesn't block the fucking base. Because if he does this, your flip ain't going to work. That's it. You got to sweep his arm and flip him over. That will go over and over

in your mind. You learn something. That's fascinating. It's like a child. It's like my wife says when you play with Mercy, when she goes to bed, she processes all that shit.

That's so cute. And then one day she'll come on and go, sit! You got to stop saying shit. She's saying, Dit! Dit! And that's because you say shit,

okay? Because it goes into a memory bank and now you do it. What do they call that when you do Jitsu muscle memory? That's why you keep doing it. You keep doing it 10 times. So then you're not even thinking, yeah?

You're not even thinking about it. You know that when you're not even thinking about it. You know that when you do that. that body weight leans on you. As soon as that timing, bam! That's it. You got this guy. That's why.

I always want you to stay analytically. Okay, you don't have the 60 a month to join jujitsu. Then fucking take a fucking chemistry class at the Nerey. Whatever. Yeah, it's all connected. But you're always, your mind is always learning, absorbing something. If not, if you don't use it, you're going to lose it, bro. Carmine Balzano, 2009.

Isn't he said that to us? Yeah. Why don't you retire, Carmine? You have 10 buildings, you have $10 million in the bank, and he was hutched over, and he goes, because once you stop using it, you lose it. And we don't have time to bleed. We don't have fucking time to bleed.

That's why every 90 days I switch workouts. I keep doing that workout, but you've got to keep switching because your body gets accustomed. That's so true. In a month, when you're doing an hour on the epileptical, now you'd be doing an hour, and you're like, all I need to do is an hour, and all of a sudden you'll look at me when they go,

dog i stopped losing weight really yeah because switch it out i'm on the elliptical so you're gonna go you're gonna find an epiliptical you're gonna lift weights you're gonna walk and then you're gonna find something in a year gotta karate whether it's just basic karate go over there with what's his name who hangs out with Doug benson my buddy nice kid i don't know he's into palm strike guy right he's in grand yeah graham has signed up for japanese sword fighting oh now you go gram get it together what are you gonna do whip They saw it out in Compton, I'll shoot you in the head ten times. Right. It doesn't matter.

He's making his mind think. Yeah. He's making his mind think. Those Japanese did that to do something else. That was the bridge to do something else. For us to have a successful podcast, I need for you to take your mind away from this shit. Take your mind away from Paula.

Take your mind away from the Boston Red Sox. All that nonsense, because that's all it is at the end of the day and get into yourself. and you'll see how much stronger you get in an individual. And with me, I hate to say it, it was weed and walking. I'd smoke a joint and walk.

Let me tell you some, you smoke a joint and walk, you learn about yourself because one minute you smoke that joint, you put your iPod on, and you start over here on Lancashem and fucking Magnoli, and the next thing you know,

you're on Lancashim and victory, and it's 90 degrees. And you've got to walk back. You got to walk back, and now you're like, all right, I'm going to put the other side of the cassette on. That's how I, bro, when I was skinny,

because I walked around New York City. It's not because my friends drove me everywhere. It's because I put that... So you're revolvingly. Everything, and eventually, if you watch the mechanic in 1973, Charles Bronson was a hitman. He used a gun. But you know what kept him sharp?

Karate. He was a karate dude. And he'd be in there with other 80-year-old men. Ha! Because all those little forms, learning something keeps you sharp. David Patrick Kelly, Warriors. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come out to play.

He goes, the reason why I'm such a good? I got to karate. I've gone to the same guy. And, you know, people are going to tell you, well, Julie, martial arts don't work, that's fine. They don't have to work. You're not going to be a fighter. You're going the same reason you went to college. College didn't do shit for you. What it cost you? $100,000.

Okay, what it costs you? You told me yourself personally that when you went to interviews, they don't say that you were your college experience. What did you go for? People say that you go to college for four years, you still end up with no job, correct? Yeah. Oh, yeah. So what the fuck of people? talking about you. But I saw

that you did something with your life. When I'm your potential employer, I'll go, oh, you went to Lloyd of London for six fucking years. Even though you're retarded and you've got a D, you still went every day. That's what they go for. Same thing on martial arts. You said to you said, you know what, on Monday and Wednesday,

Monday morning when you wake up and the podcast machine breaks and Paula tells you, you forgot fucking bagels, and your mom calls you and says that she's lonely, you're a bad son because you haven't come to visit her, and your father calls you from Florida and says what the fuck Lee you're a bad son I'm over here dying

at the end of that you could take your car take your little fucking karate Guy on take your phone put it in your car go into karate learn to move and a half hour into it all that anger and all that confusion it's gone and you'll say fuck Joe Diaz

in this podcast fuck my mother fuck Paula fuck Terry and fuck my father I'm learning how to throw a kick I just learned how to gift. It's so fucking interesting. When I first met Steve Simone, Steve Simone used to torture

me by going to the gym, him and dice. Yeah. Yep. I remember when you joined the Hollywood Gym too, the boxing gym there. Yeah, that's right. He used to let me in. He was the front desk clerk. Yeah. Oh, really? Go ahead. Yeah. And I would go on at night because I was embarrassed for people who see me in the daytime. We, we all

have the same fears. It sucks because I'm like, I was talking to the bigger guy at the gym. I was like, I've lost weight a thousand times If I really thought about it and wrote down How much weight I've lost it would kill me But the problem is like keeping it off And like I'm just realizing like there's no like quick Like you can't lose it

It's a lifestyle In like a month and it kills me Because everyone I want it to be easy Like I want by like my birthday in a month To have lost 800 pounds But it's like Do you know my buddy back in Philly told me That owns the best gym

It's called the Iron Sport Gym Gym He says he hates when people come into the gym And they're looking around And they're like well I don't want to get too big. And he's like, don't worry about it. It's not going to happen. You know?

And he was like, if it's easy to be big and strong, everybody would be big and strong. If it was easy to be in great shape, everybody would choose to do it. You just put the effort in. And there's that sense of community in every gym. And Lee, the guys that know the most are usually the nicest guys on the gym. Oh, no, everyone's been nice. It's just I want it because it's not hard, but it takes work for me to work out and eat well. So it's like I want everyone.

Everyone wants it to be, like, if I could be done in two weeks, that'd be great. That's why the juicing thing, I did it, and I've done everything. I've done Atkins, I've done Nutri System. That's a lifestyle. Everyone wants to be. When you thought, let me tell you something, not right now, Lee, but in six months, one day, you're going to have to meet Paul at 8 o'clock, but the inside of you has to go to that gym. And right now, it's not going to fit you.

Right now, it's not going to hit you, but it hits me from time to time because you get pissed off. It's like anything else in life. one day you're going to be doing a bent over row or a fucking high pole or you're going to be on your 48th minute and you're going to go I work this fucking hard in here and now I'm about to go home

and eat a fucking cheeseburger that shit's coming to one end yes see it all works together that's what I did yesterday your mind will work together I just worked out now you're paying your bills now you're paying for this weight

now you're seeing the receipt now you're saying that when they eat chips of hoy on TV it ain't a fucking party. It ain't a fucking party. When they're popping chips of hoys and shit. Yeah, that commercial.

No, dog, it ain't a fucking party. This is the party. Now, now you'll think twice. Now when, listen, I love weight watches. I wish that I would be one of those guys that could eat chia seeds and I could eat egg whites with spinach leaves

and a taste of nutmeg. I love Mike Dolce and I love Mike Dolce's workout. He has great spaghetti. He has. a great tuna recipe with the fucking with the avocado instead of mayonnaise. Oh, wow. He's got a lot of great recipes.

But they don't sell those at a restaurant three days a week when I travel. Right. The exercise that work, now Josh Wolf, God bless his soul, he said, go to my. My Fit Foods. They're tremendous. You sit with a nutrition list and it's $8 to $9 a meal, which is what you pay for anywhere and you eat the My Fit Foods. The problem with that is guys like you,

me, we're going to do a New Jersey tour, we've got to go to San Francisco. What are you going to do when you're going to take my fifth food on the fucking plane? You open my fifth food on the plane, Lee. I will beat you to the debt and tell him you're a fucking future terrorist and to throw you off the fucking plane. That you have Israeli ties to the Taliban. Israeli ties to the Taliban? Did your family almost make you, do they try to give you food for the plane? Yeah.

But yeah. This is what I did. They didn't give you a tuna sandwich, correct? No. know what they did i had homemade meatballs i had homemade mena gut i had that's what you open up on a plan and people look at you and go that smells tremendous we had uh the roast pork even homemade cheese steaks it was great every yeah everything they make homemade cheese steaks yeah because my brother's uh mother-in-law is straight off the boat from naples the best now can you

eat red meat because i thought about this last night because i went to the mediterranean place and i got chicken because can i can i have grilled steak is red meat okay? Yeah, man You gotta eat fucking six ounces of it You know what I'm just gonna say What saved me My last trip home was portion control

Portion control is over How many ounces of meat do you have? You know, I didn't overdo it Like I got to be I used to kill The size of your hand Yeah, yeah I used to kill a whole pizza Oh yeah, of course

But now it's just two slices You can do just two slices Oh fuck It's the size of your hand Weight watches Weight watches is very good Because it's portion control It's a county jail diet

that's what I call it's a county jail diet so you go to Denny's and you get two eggs, toast, home fries, bacon, and two pancakes and that's a great breakfast, okay? But after you leave there, what do you look at Steve and go? I'm fucking full.

And you realize you didn't need a lot of food. I used to eat to the point where I couldn't walk to the car. Yep. Jesus. I'm not going to lie to nobody. And so do you leave. Yeah, fuck you. We eat.

No, that's what I'm thinking about it. And I eat so fast. My not is I eat too fast. Me too. So I eat three quarters of the meal and I'm full, and I eat it. No. And then you realize weight watches makes you realize that if you take that piece of salmon cut it in half. You're good.

And you take one piece of bread and throw it away and you take the cheese off that. Because even ketchup has calories in it. Fuck yeah. You know? Sugary. All that shit you could do without, you know. Listen, I love Subway. I love the veggie and cheese from Subway.

My Subway sandwich is a foot long. veggie and cheese with the chips and the soup and the cookie and 10 gallons of those sodas. Yeah. There's nothing like that. But you know what? Buy a six inch and just leave. Yep. Yeah.

Get a six inch and just walk out of there and eat it. And you'll go, I'm fucking hungry. No, I don't eat it. You realize you don't need it. You know, when you go to Big Mac, you get a Big Mac, the double fries, the soda. Right, that's how they kill you. Some nuggets. You know what?

Go to In and Out House. Go to end and out burger. They have the cheese burger. It's eight points with the cheese with no mayonnaise and no sauce on it. Yep. And you get a half water of fries. It's six points because the whole container is 12. And a Diet Coke and you're solid or even no water.

And you're solid. So you could always kill your cravings. Yes. You know, you could always kill your cravings. You know what I do? And you realize you don't need a nut. Yeah, just a little taste. I love all your cookies.

But instead of eating the whole sleeve, because I kill a motherfucker's sleeve. You know what I'm saying? You take one and you make a deal with yourself. You know what's fucked up, at least so far? The most thing I miss most is the diet soda. So that's show them, like, there must be some chemicals in it. Oh, there's a chemical thing in there. And, like, that's the part that's been killing me.

And I'm like, maybe that's a reason not to go back to it. Because I was like, fuck. On the way home, you stop at Gelson's at Rouse and get yourself. Today we're going to do everything. You pick me up at 9. We'll go to Calabell. It's going to cost you a couple yards today, but don't worry about none. We're going to go over to this place over here,

because even that fit protein, we'll just get your little protein pot in the container. Okay. And you put the protein powder in and you take it with you. And as soon as you finish at the gym, you fill it with water and you shake it up. Okay. No more milk in your milkshakes.

Okay. That's it. That cuts another percentage out. Yeah. And that milkshake, you know, that milkshake is 300 calories. You know, you go, you buy a bunch of apples. My wife's been buying cantalough, you know. Yeah, that's another thing.

And you've said it before, and it kind of pissed me off. talk with people. I was like, oh, I'm going to have some fruit and, like, don't have fruited sugar. I'm like, well, I think fruit's okay. All foods, whole foods. Let me say something about fruit, bro. Eat two apples tonight. Number one, you're going to shit when you start losing weight. You got to clean that esophagus out.

What do you think is in your asshole? What do you think is connecting to that tube? Same thing with me. I got bubble gum in there. I got fucking, you know, granola pits. You know, you got everything in your ass, you know, so you got clean that. I mean, health and leave with you, you're 25. You've got the world by the balls.

It could either fall apart few and eight years because the diabetes will come in or whatever. Yeah. It's a lifestyle. It's a lifestyle that goes at you for a long time. I want chocolate cake every fucking day. I'm a stoner, dog. People sit in there when you're talking about, shut the fuck up.

I'm a stoner motherfucker. Okay? When I eat an edible, I fucking get stoned and I get fucking hungry. Yeah, how do you do it? You just pass through it. You know what? Oh, you eat anything? Okay, so yesterday, I went in the kitchen and I was fucking stoned to the gills.

There was two peaches and there was cheesepubs. I had four cheesepuffs and I had the two peaches. That's great. I made a deal with myself. I could have ate the half a bag of cheese puffs. Do you follow me? It's all compromises, man. This is all fuck.

And I'm still a fat fuck. And I'm, what are you going to do? But I know every week I work on it. And every week I get healthier. You know, I drink 22 of these. things now. That's great. 22 of these things now a day. That's got to be way better than drinking dying.

Oh, it's a thousand times more white bread in my house. There hasn't been white bread in my house for three fucking months. That's great. That helps. You know, I love pasta. I can eat pasta every day, but now all these people are saying pasta stays with you for 80 years. You know what? There's nothing wrong with six ounces of pasta.

Right. When you go to Original Joe's, how much pasta they give you on the side dish? Not that much of a little mini plate. And you'll live on that and you get full off that. But me and you. because we're East Coast. Yeah.

We need the big bowl of fucking pasta. I think pasta's good for you. Only four ounces. Yeah, that's like how they do in the middle. And Italy,

four fucking out. What's up, Lee? Where's that fucking vapor pen? Who sent another Gumi bear? Is that what you said, Lee? Give me another one, set me loose. Where's the music league?

Put a little fucking rod. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you what happened yesterday. Yesterday, I was driving, right? And I went to the edible store late night to get Lee his goodies.

the day. And as I was pulling back, Elton John was on. A song by her name Harmony. Find Harmony for me. Harmony by Elton John. It's a beautiful day. It'll be alive. Wash your pussy, scrub your feet. Paint your toenails. If you're a female, you want your feet looking good. You want somebody to suck your asshole. Your feet got to look fucking impeccable on a Friday. If you're a man, wash those nuts. Put some powder in it. Grab your dick. Sniff that motherfucker. Make yourself remember what being a man is. salute the flag do everything today it's fucking friday where's hilton john cuck's second blast that shit haven't seen your face for a while

have you quit doing time for me oh are you still the same spoiled child listen to this piano hello I said hello is this the only place you thought to go Are you fucking kidding me, though? Amitya.

Amity and me? That you Harmony and me. Are you fucking kidding me? Let me tell you something about this fucking fruitcake. He came out with a fucking, when I was growing up, this guy came out with a new song every six weeks and not some fucking song with black people rapping on it and being cool.

cool. This guy went to a pen and pencil. When I was in the 6th, 7th, and 8th grade, Elton John did not stop. He was telling the Beatles to suck his dick. Michael Jackson had to suck his dick and suck his toes. I'm listening to this. And I'm just emotional. I'm pissed off at myself for even forgetting Elton John.

If you watch, what's the movie that came out about the guy that follows the band, and he writes about it? Oh, almost famous. When they're on the bus, what's the song? Eugene, baby. It never ended, dog. When you were a kid, Philadelphia Freedom, don't let the sun go down on me.

Dude, he killed it. He killed it. You're right. He killed it every fucking six weeks. And you're sitting there, so as I pull up, I'm sitting there in the car. I got tears in my eyes, and the two transvestites

who are in front of the house mowing the lawn. I swear to God, this went down last night. And I opened the window, and they're like, looking at me all weird, and I go, that's right, motherfuckers. At one time, Elton John Roo, the fucking world. and I closed the windows and I got up

and I started singing fucking Elton John in the middle of the street Harmony and me A really good company And also the lady came out to see what I was yelling about I looked at it and I go, that's right Because she's an old to fuck too I go nobody remembers the Elton John ruled the world And she looked at me and she was drinking a beer

She goes, let's have a drink to Elton John What time of the name was this? 7.30 because the weed store closes at 8 This one I have to talk to you the first time Oh, that's so great And I goes Lee's going down tomorrow It's Black Friday, Philippe. And I saw the gay guys.

Then I went upstairs and I put some Mountain John on. And while I was playing Outton John, I saw a Rod Stewart song. The name of the album was Blunts, I had more fun. And I put it on, and I couldn't fucking, guys, in the fucking 70s, let's just pretend you had the storms, the Who, and Led Zeppelin. They're all fighting amongst each other. Yeah. Now you got this fucking fruitcake, Elton John, dropping bombs on your mom's.

Fuck Carl arms. You got black music. The OJs, you got all this music. Marvin Gay. And you got Marvin Gay, I don't even remember me. And then you got this fucking guy named Rod Stewart who was competing with the Stones, banging him out. I saw this video, and I remember how good this song was Hittedly.

This is off the album, Not Futs Loose and Fancy Free, but a different one. Hit itly. What is it? No, the name of the song is You're Insane. Let's for this motherfucker. What? Hit it Lee. It's Friday. Wash that muffler. Hit it.

motherfucker. Yeah, it's foot loose and fancy free. Carmine a piece on the drums, the little Chinese bass guy, the church, motherfucker's dropping it on you. It's like hip-hop. Oh, this is early 70s right here. Down sunset strip

and in the back seat. A big black whip all around your face. What? is in bad taste Baby, but I think you're cute But there's no substitute for love Hit it Lee, kick this motherfucker league

Kid me or what? That's how we do it on the church. Music dropping nothing. Nobody's even remembers fucking Rod Stewart But I'm telling you, just that You're in my heart, you're in my soul. Oh, yeah, that's great. That dog, I'm telling you guys, You guys are looking at me going, Joey,

You're dropping this fucking black and white music out of me. Listen, you can't move forward unless you listen to this shit. You can't fucking be a black beltin jih Tzu if you don't know the proper fucking hip escapes and the proper arm bars. Same thing when it comes to music. I'm dropping the building blocks on you motherfuckers.

You smoke a joint, you sit back and you listen to this shit and get back to me. You understand me? I listen to some crazy shit. Put on Mary J. Blige without you. Listen to this black motherfucker sing. Because she's from the same thing

as Biggie and all that shit. When you hear Biggie rapping, he's rapping knowledge on you, that's fine. But when you hear a fucking, woman do it? I was listening to this shit all week. You motherfuckers think I'm fucking around. I'm trying to find the best fucking music so you guys could go

Joey, why did I jump out of the window last night? Why am I walking around a wheelchair today after you played this fucking music for me? Lee, what happened? It's in. Well, hold on. Mary J. Blatch killed it. What's the 4-1-1? You want to do another fucking goomy?

No, thank you. You're looking not high. See? You're resisting. I'm looking not high. Don't lie. Listen to this bitch. Oh shit She just drops it on you though like fucking miss pat This is black chicks man. They don't fuck around

Little something for Tracy Morgan recovering baby Bad motherfucker Neither one of us knew why We didn't film nothing all the night cause A love like this takes some time People's fought off as the face Said we can't see that Now from top to bottom

They see that we did that Yes It's so true that Yes We've been doing How can we not singing You this one, do we? What bitch?

How can we have to see in this one? Listen to this bitch Because I can't sleep without you baby Oh Just want to be Nothing can't be without you baby Call the radio Oh shit

Do something behind my back and then try Cover it up Well, neither would I God damn Marry J. Blige Take that shit off before I fucking I'll eat some blackfish of this man God damn Mary J. Blige.

You brought a tear to my eye I love all that shit. That's music, baby. Why does Marry J. Bludge get emotional? You listen to those fucking lyrics. You got to read the lyrics that song. You'll sit there and go, what the fuck? Was she smoking pot

with Tupon? I mean her fucking litter You gonna go get us a donut week? What? To take the sugar off of your fucking You want a donut? Sure, go get a donut for you. I can't have one.

Why not? You didn't know. You're Jewish. Because I did a good job. You did what? I did a good job at the gym. So who gives a fuck? You got a little donuts,

dunking donuts. You're living like a doctor. It's fucking Friday. Get the stick out of your ass. Well, you're doing everything today. Cettlebells. You're jumping off fucking clips. Oh shit.

Look at the Lee brought you there. He brought you a little chocolate one. I can't because I'll eat the entire box in the rest of this box. you fucking walk to Glendale and back. Not wrong with that. What's the last time you walked to Glendale and back? Never.

All right, then. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? What's going on with you, baby? So you have this Sunday at the Irvine Improv? Yep, this Sunday, Irvine Improv. Tape it, please? Yeah, I'm taping everything. What happened for the sets from a couple of weeks ago?

I got them. How they sounded. I never even heard the Brea said that we did. This fucking guy said. I told you, we said it was terrible. This fucking guy. God damn it Kimmy hi

No I didn't say it was terrible We want to go for more Because we want to make sure I know I'm going to get in La Jolla But I'm going to record everything And if I got the recorder I'm going to record everything forever How about that

It just makes it easier We hide Did you see him He fucking His needle got stuck What's up me? So what? You're high Friday

Yeah What if we're gonna do today What are we going to do after this Come here's true I'm gonna go home and go to sleep. No, no, no, no. There's no sleep in your future. What?

There's no sleep in your future. Why? I'd get in that kettlebell class. That sounds amazing. That's a game changer. You're 25 years old. What sleep? It's over.

You're gonna show the youth of America today that you're fucking Jewish savage. You know what it means to be a Jewish savage, though? No. This country has forgotten. You're gonna go back to being a Jew. Looking at fucking holes, we're gonna fuck. Make people tripping them.

We're suing people. We're going back. We're going back, because this is bullshit. These motherfucking Jews are confused. The problem with these motherfuckers, these are worthless fucking Jews. You're the most powerful fucking Jew out there. It's over, at least. Since Moses, there hasn't been a fucking Jew like you.

You know that? I like it. What's going to be a name of your new CD, my brother? Remember this from when you get sad. That's why I love you. We did a good podcast a couple weeks ago. You brought me back. The best.

You got me to talk about some shit I hadn't talked about in a long time. And why I hate rich people since I was embarrassed. I was a kid. That was such a great episode. I can't thank you enough for that. You know, finally the book I'm writing is coming into fucking fruition. Oh, that's great. My good friend, Jessica, she's an editor.

She's a brilliant editor. I mean, and we've been working together. This week, we did a four and a half hour session on Tuesday because with me, the best way to write is for me to outline. and just talk to her. And you get other shit. And she's that good to just hear the stories and bang it out? She types it out, and then we talk about it, and she types it, and then we get together and go over it.

And we've got, we've got from New York City all the way to 1981 when I'm a junior in high school, and I had to sit with her and talk with her for four hours. Look at the shape, are you ready for another fucking goomy? Nothing. You want to split? Let's split one of these little weak chocolate things. Let's do it. You can't live without you, baby.

So we really got into it about, you know, I didn't know how fucked up I was. Like, you know, after God took my mother, whoever takes your parents' life or whatever, what it takes a life. Like, you figure that I fell apart. I didn't fall apart. I had everything a kid could need. We figured it out the other day out. You know how much money I was making when I was a junior in high school, sophomore in high school? I was making $2,000 a week.

Oh, my God. Because I was selling 300 ups a week. I was 300 hitset, you know, different acid. Like whatever they would have, I would sell. Whether it was micrododot acid or blotter acid or window pain or four-way acid, whatever asset they had at East Strassburg is what I sold that week. And I would also sell ups. I also had a job at Rendell Lumber and I also stole there.

The guy that got me the job, told me, dog, if I get you this job, don't forget to steal because enough to know. I wasn't stealing, that I was stealing. If you come along and you don't steal, they're going to see the difference. They're going to need a difference, and they're going to know I was stealing. So you got to keep stealing.

I'll hook you up with people. They're going to come to you. In those days, we sold Marine Plywood. It was $40 a sheet where people would give you $10 or $20 a sheet. Oh, my God. What's Marine Plyne Ply? What's it, like waterproof? It's galvanized, like it has some chemical in it that won't watch.

I don't even know if the word is galvanized. Don't call me stupid on Twitter. I'm just saying it's got something, so the wood doesn't rust. Gotcha. It's got a certain chemical in it or something. So I used to sell that. People come in the back and wink at me,

and they'd say, give me 40 sheets of fucking plywood. At $20 a piece, that's $800 on a Friday. I'm a sophomore in fucking high school. It's more money than I have now. That's amazing. Oh, please. This is some crazy shit.

And the place I was working at one day, they sent me to mail a check, you know. I don't even know if I should go here, but fuck it, we already started. And I had this friend that worked on a bank, and he cashed two checks for me. I won't even tell you what the amount was, right? And this guy later on became like a big fucking deal

with the Genovese's. Like, this guy's a bit... Is he with the Genovese? Yeah, in fact, when I Googled him the other day, that's where this picture came up in front of him in front of a judge with a suit with an orange shirt on saying that him and 46 other guys have been indicted for bookmaking in Jersey.

Wow. And you think about it. This is who I was with when I was 16. And I got the check Not when I was sick I got to check when I was a junior in high school Because that was the year John Lennon got shot I got the money that week

That was the week I got the money Because that's Sunday When they had the big thing for them It's strawberry Whatever strawberry hills forever Whatever that is Strawberry feels forever I went to bleakababs

It was a record store in the village Oh wow And I bought Ozzy Osbourne's EP Which was It wasn't even fucking whatever With that diary of a madman EAP? Before that it had crazy

train, Mr. Crowley, suicide solution, and something. That was all on an EP, those monsters? Remember, in the 80s, there were EPs. Yep. EPs were fucking four songs. Missing persons had an EP. Rat had an EP. First rat song was

Wanted Man. The other one, round and rounds. What's up, meagher? I don't know. I'm just listening. What was it like the first time you heard that Randy Rhodes riff? I hate listening to N.W. 1 in the morning, by the way.

Why? Because it makes me go fucking black all that. What are you going to do now? Stabby you? That's what I'm going to fucking do, a cock second. How do you feel? I'm good. Look at the shape. You ready for some kettle bells and stuff? No.

Why not? I'm too high to go do kettle bells. You're never too high. You're never too highly. but I remembered by talking to her like I had all this going on you know I had no adult supervision I went to school I got good grades

and I stole drugs but the fact was I had no mother so I had everything a 16 year old could want but no mother you know and it was just it's just been an amazing week thinking about that because we did this on Tuesday and for the last two days

I can't. Today I feel really good. Yesterday and the day before, I was cracked about my life. About where I was at that point in my life. At 16, that's what I was doing, you know? You're still a baby at 16, you know? 16. Snorten. I did acid almost every fucking day. And I'll tell you what, if I wouldn't have done that acid,

I would have probably done something stupid because it would help me think about my next move. It helped me calm down a little bit. It's so weird to say that the... The Lord works in mysterious ways, Joe. The fucking acid made my mind work, and it made me think of all the avenues I had. And while I was talking to Jessica, he had that, called one of my good friends, Carlos Cantero. I was called the podcast.

And he has a brother Deity, and I was friends with them. After my mother died, I was either at the Benders where I slept, where I was at a villa shed. Remember the kid that's called in Steve Avillo? He had a shed behind his house. Fucking no heat. We'd sit there, smoke dope, and listen to fucking music. And if I wasn't either at the shed or at Carlos Contaro's house, I was home.

So throughout the day, I would go out in the mornings and go to school and then hook up with my friends. And, you know, even three months after your mother dies, which you're still very confused after you suffer through any death, I remember that my days would be great. And I wouldn't think about my mother until after I left the Villos house or after I would leave Carlos' house on the walk home, I would remember that my mother died.

And I would forget and sometimes walk to my mother's house and wait out there and go, what the fuck am I walking over here for? she doesn't live here anymore she doesn't live here anymore oh my god it was just and sometimes I would go in the house and sit in there and wait and say maybe they buried the wrong lady

maybe my mother's going to show up you know people don't I've never talked about this pain that I had at this time and how bad it was and I don't know what kept me going but it was those three guys and after our conversation when I went to get the needle yesterday I called the villa and thanked them for being there for me

and I called Carlos that night because I called him in front of Jessica and he didn't know about this. He didn't know that he was my world that as soon as I left this house to walk home, my world would shatter. I'd go home and cry myself to sleep and then get up the next day again, you know?

But it was weird. I remember the story. Me and Dee-Dee robbed a gas station like six times. And it was me and Didi like three times, but then I had to recruit other people that were nice people. But it was an old brain.

It was a gift. me. It was like a good fella type. The guy's name was Ernie and he was a little retarded. He was cousins with Sticky Charlie. And he was fucking a little fucked up this guy. And I used to work at Putnam Fuel but I got fired for stealing. Everybody got fired for stealing.

But Ernie always kept his job. Ernie wasn't all there. He had this huge wife. She had to be. Ernie was a cute little white dude that was probably 38 that probably weighed 160 pounds.

But Ernie's wife was this big, you know, those fat chicks that have, like, chocolate on their fingers all day. And they just wear a house dress and they don't work. And they're white trash. Like old school, and a mumo, house dress, hair and curlers. And she's just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger. And Ernie would talk to me about his sexual exploits. Oh, and I fuck her. It's so hot.

I go, Ernie, Jesus. I was 16. I didn't want to hear it. Yeah, I'd be throwing up in my mouth. I didn't want to hear this shit from Ernie talking about how he was eating her ass and in his mind she was Farrah Fawson but in everybody else's mind

she was like the biggest fucking woman in the world and she was a bitch, she was nasty so he would tell me So you know what he would tell me he would tell me you know what I like to fuck her and eat her pussy with cocaine but I can't afford it I only make like $7 a dollar now

I go no that's no problem Ernie I go how much money do you usually have about 8 o'clock 9 clock you'll say you know make a thousand dollars I go done I'll come in we'll hit in the head to make it look okay and then we'll take your money and at the night when you get home there'll be an eight ball waiting for you and dude he would fucking get home at midnight we'd give him the eight ball and he'd be so happy he'd like the next day she had candles and she was naked with a bikini on this woman was fucking huge with pimples in the back of the thighs and shit I mean it was just a

fucking nightmare and please I'm not here to judge nobody I'm no fucking Justin Bieber myself but fucking now I'm serious I'm not Justin Bieber but fucking dog just the fact that he would get psyched up about fucking that fucking Mahemoth somebody for everybody it was somebody for everybody

and she was just dead up I mean she had not one appealing quality I will tell you what I remember about her she had a fucking wart on her toe she was always barefoot that's what made it even worse for me they lived on the third floor now I lived on the third floor of like the only bad building in the neighborhood

Like we had one black person that neighbor and they lived in that building. Her name was Marlow. But they lived on the third floor. And he would fuck him in the tub. He would tell me how he'd fucking all this shit. So I would just, I wouldn't even tell him I was going to rob him. I'd get like a friend of mine and we'd attack Putting him from the back.

And he'd go pump the gas and he was walking in. We'd tackle him and we'd punch him a couple times. And he'd cover up and go, no, help, help. We hit him a couple times and we'd just take his money and run. But we weren't fucking pounding him or bullying him. We'd just kick him a couple times when the cops got there. He'd be scraped up, you know, and we'd leave. We'd go home.

Me and Deedie were fucking nuts. Carlos didn't find out about this like 10 years later. He's like, you guys were robin. What's that? I could just say him going, you guys did what? That's the craziest story. Rob Putnam fuel. So we would clip him for like 900, buy an eight ball for 250, give it to him.

I'd take a grandma out of it and throw aspirin in it. And I'd buy an eight ball for me and Deity. And we would get, and we'd split 200 cash. Meanwhile, this poor schlub would end up on the floor, smelling like gasoline with kicks, and we'd give him that apeal dog, and he would go crazy the next day. He's like, oh, I put a Coke rock in a pussy, and it tasted like a chocolate cake.

What? Yeah, because it's probably flowering a snatch and fucking Hershey's chocolate. And once you threw the Coke in there, it just became a cake, you nasty motherfucker. But one of the last times we got him, we fucking beat him up, and we took his money, And he's like, you know, the cops are down there.

We bought him an eight ball, but we ended up doing it. And I forget going over there next day. And he's like, where's my money? Because we were going to tell him we didn't rob him. Like it was somebody else. He kept calling the house. I'm like, what's up? Do you have my cocaine?

I'm like, what are you talking about? I got rob last. And I go, that wasn't us. Yes, that was you. Yes, that was you. So we had to go over and explain. Like, I went over there. I'm like, dog, it wasn't us.

I don't know what you're talking about. He was like, you don't understand. I forget what his wife's name was. like a Mimi. He's like, my Mimi had flowers and candles burning and she had a new bikini and that cocaine never showed up.

I'll never forget him saying that to me and me going, Ernie, your past dude. I can't even rob you no more because you think that woman upstairs is some Brazilian fucking model. Yeah. It's fucking amazing the things you went. What's up, Lee?

You ready for another gloomy bag? No, thanks. What were you thinking about that hot chick, how you want to eat her ass and shit? No, that was gross. How you'd suck on that toe with a ward on it? No, I'm just thinking, just robbing a gas station five times. You never rob a gas station?

No. He gets a walk in the park. But there's even a funny... I shoplifted from when I got nervous. There's even a funniest story to this as a kid in Florida. His name was Louis Castleto, aka Digger. Last time I seen... That's his name, Digger.

Last time I saw Louis, he was talking to people. He was like, I remember the time he showed up in my house with a map, like a diagram. And he was going to rob it. gas station because after a while I needed partners I couldn't keep robbing them by myself you didn't have to do nothing to him you weren't going to get caught there was no possibility of jail time because the cops never

even thought of a put in the field and nobody gave a fuck about Fred he got robbed every week he was on Tunnelia Avenue for Christ's on Saturday anybody could rob him right so I would just go to like you saying me man I need money for the prom perfect when was the last time you tackle somebody you're going to tackle something so I went to his house and I'm like

tell him dog I need your help you need to We're going to make some money. We're going to do an A ball. You're going to have some fun. And I hit him with a diagram. And he's like, it was like a football play. He had it all diagram. It's like he did it before.

I had done it before. Oh, that's a step. I had done it a couple times. So he tells the story. Every time he comes to my shows, he's like, Coco showed up with a fucking diagram. You ready for another guy? X marks the spot. Did you go higher or low?

Did you kneel down behind him or what do you do? No. Once you tackled them, then I came out and we were running his pockets and we sit on the little for a little, get him inside control, and we'd take his cash, and he'd go, stop, stop, I'm calling the police, and then we'd run away. We'd kick him in the leg or the thigh, and then we'd run away. No fucking

biggie. What the fuck? Does this country forget how to have fun, this fucking country has forgotten how to have fun and how to earn a dollar? It's just, you know, sometimes they're gimmies. Sometimes you go to the gas station guy, and he go, let me ask you something. How much do you make

a week? I make $200 a week. Let me ask you something. Let me come back, I'll kick you in the fucking. head. And let me take a money, we'll split it. We'll chop it, fucking, we'll chop it two ways. That's hysterical. And don't, do go for it. You just have to go on diplomatically. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather get kicked in the head and get half an envelope than get kicked in the head and get nothing.

Right or wrong, Lee, Sian. You don't know what the fucking talking about. Let me give a shout out to some fucking beautiful people here, because I don't know what I'm going to do with Lee. We give them half a goo meat bear looking at me. It looks like a fucking mook and eat. A freak without warning. My appetite for sex makes me. Me so hon.

John Wolf G. What is this over here? Raised by wolves, I love you. Jeremy Katsu, Debt Squad, Connecticut, and the rest of the affiliates all over the fucking world. Get your shit together. We're taking over. Orlando Perez, Joe Farrier,

and Jay Bish, the teacher up in Pittsburgh. Keep swinging, cocksucker. Beside that, what's going on with you, Lee? I don't want to hear no fucking stories. About what? Can you believe this fucking cock's like, let me fill this up. It's time for you to hit some vapus. Your new name's going to be Lee vapus.

It's amazing. I used to rob a gas station. I forgot all about that fucking shit. That's why I love when I sit with somebody. Because like I told Jess, I go, I'm never thinking of this shit by myself. Right. I need somebody. How do you not think about it every day?

You're like, oh, shit, I hope they don't come and get me from when I robbed Putnam Fuel. First of all, Ernie's probably dead. That fat fuck probably sat on his face and her clit. surrounded his mouth and he couldn't breathe for fucking days like an octopus grabbing you. It was like one of those tentacles from an octopus. What's what the hand of? Do you think Pontch's pilot said

no? He said keep kicking him. Oh, Jesus. He said keep kicking him. That's terrible. Keep kicking him. It's Friday, people. I'm trying to wake up the world here and I got fucking this guy

and you're upset because Pontius Pilate put him. Throw some holy water on it. Any holy water? You didn't bring the holy water. I've got to have another donut. Have two more. What the fuck? First off, I'm going to put it to this way.

Yesterday I went on the Rogan podcast. And that's the podcast ended. We spoke about Onit for about an hour and the benefits of it. And he's right. You know, people take regular supplements. That's not what Onet's for. On it is for fucking optimization of your fucking life. You know, that's why I always take the Shroom Tech before I fucking work out.

That's why I take the Alpha Brain when I'm writing. Like right now I've been off the Alphabrain for four weeks. But Monday comes along. I'm going to go right back. on the fucking alpha brain, you know? All these things have helped me tremendously. We're not fucking here. You've got a money-back guarantee with AlphaBrain.

You've got to return the product. Order it the first fucking time. That's how much they believe in their product. They got the hemp horse protein. They got the hemp horse protein snacks. They got one of the things that has helped me the most when I fly. And that's a turnaround fucking 180. When it comes to feeling good on it, has the fucking answer for you.

You want to work out. You want to do the fucking kettlebells. You want to do the fucking ropes and all that. Anit has that also. I can't get you a discount on that. What I get you 20% off is any of those supplements. So do me a favor. Go to Anit.com.

Look around. Read up. Read the testimonials. They're not fucking with you. That fucking 5'4.6 Sicilian doesn't look the way he does because he sits there and he counts 20s all days. He works. He knows about his vitamins.

He knows about his minerals. He knows about his fucking supplements. Do me a favor. Go to On it. Read up on it. Go to the book. Joey Diaz.net. Go to the Onet box and press in. Church.

C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% 20% off. Receive all the fucking paperwork and all the emails they have about upcoming things and what they got going on. They're sponsoring Mike Doche. They're doing contests with Mike Doce. Onet does not fuck around.

I would not fucking lie to you, okay? Even multivitamins, I live off their fucking hemp force protein. I live off their fucking alpha brain. So get your shit together, okay? Go to Onet.com press and see you are. C-H and get your fucking life together with honor dot com. The same thing with nature's box, okay?

You could sit here. We're having a good time eating yum-yum donuts. They sponsor the show fucking unofficially. You know, we got two fed fucks and a medium fucking spare rib over there. So things fucking go down in their life. But let me tell you something. A good, healthy fucking snack is nakedcha box.com.

You push in... Joey. In the box. You get 50% off your first order. Get the sesame steaks. Get the fucking cashews. Get the pepper, fucking cashews, get the chocolate covered almonds,

they will fucking, these snacks are tremendous. You know when you buy a bag of chips and then you open it up and it says, they lie to you. They always say it's, you know, 160 calories. But then you realize 160 calories of serving and you've already had two fucking serving. Absolutely. Listen, the fucking calories,

they'll have all natural fucking vitamins in there and supplements and whatever fuck you call it. All right, that's nutrition. approved and most importantly yes they do do business with Monsanto and that's who you want to be. No, it's a fucking joke, cock sucker, all right. Go to naturesbox.com.

They have tremendous, nutritious, flavorful fucking snacks. I sat there with Red Band the other day ate a bag of sesame fucking sticks. They are tremendous. Go to naturesbox.com. Press in, Joey. In the box and get 50% off your first daughter.

But Joey, how does that work? 50% off your fucking first order. There you go That's Nature's Box right there Coming out of my fucking asshole You understand me Because that's how we work in here I can't wait to smell that fart

Nature's Box.com Go there right now Cut this shit 50% off fucking snacks Okay And they got the black and white granola They got the fucking stuff That'll make your assholes sing

Like mine just did That was a Whitney Houston solo He just did That was a solo from I always love you Just my asshole Interpretated it wrong Number three The best vapor pen in the market.

My main motherfucking gangsters over at NaileditLife.com. Tremendous vapors, you understand me? Go to Nailedit Life and press Joey Diaz, Church, Lee, on the electrical, get 20 fucking percent off. That's right, you heard it right. 20 fucking percent off.

You got a tremendous guarantee. Like I told Dave and Peter last week, one good thing I always hear about Nailedet Life is they have executive, a tremendous customer service. And in my world, it's all about customer service. It's like he told me. He goes, I rather send you a battery than you write a

bad review. It cost me $3.00. Go to nail that life.com. The best vapor pen on the fucking market, and it's back to 100%. Let them know you're doing business with the fucking flavor brothers. And you get 20% off your fucking oil. You understand me? And they got the gummies and mono.

So remember what I told you. On it, naturesbox.com and fucking Nail the light. Did you smell that far? No. Did you? No. That's because it's fucking nature's box. you broke out the Monsanto joke I love that you broke out the Monsanto joke

How about you another fucking Gumi Cogsucker? How about I put a vapor to him up your ass all and press my life? Why does Cicilians know about about nutrients and stuff for audit? You're like what do you think that's a Cillian doesn't Joe Rogan? Oh him

You fucking good Look at you. You want another candy bar or no? No. Why not? I'm way too high than it. You're not way too high. We've got to go to kettlebell class. You better straight down. Oh. Oh. What are you? What are about?

Huh? What do you think? This is immigration. It's not Michael Jackson, and this is not thriller. What's going on, Steve? I'm loving life. I'm just happy to be here with you guys. I wouldn't even have been awake, but you called last night, and I go, all right, that's it.

Uncle Joey calls. What did you call last night? You know, Brad Williams? He had a little party over at his house because he's going to Brazil for the World Cup. So he goes, come over, have a sandwich, have a drink if you want to drink, and then I did that, and then I went out with a nice young. lady. It was a beautiful night. It was my only night I'm not doing comedy this week.

You're beautiful. That's why, because you're dedicate. You're not like other people. I fucking know over here. I want to jump up and down and do movies and shit. I'll fucking stab you, cocksucker. From now and you've got to have a notebook. Where's the app? Lee is responsible for the church of what's happening now app. Every week I want you to hit Lee up

and go, yo, where's the fucking app, cocksucker? Because I can't hit him up enough. For six months, where's the app? Every day tells me a story. The guy didn't call him back. There's no Laps sold to Jews. Every day you got a new fucking story.

That shit ends today, cock's second. Who was it? Who was that in my man's house? Brad's. He had probably six chicks for every dude that that was there. I was only there

for like the first hour, two hours. I bet that midget's got a two-foot dick. I'm sure. He's got a bigger dick in his fucking head. I'm sure. There were so many girls there.

He's always got a different hot chick with him. Broads love midgets. I don't know what the fuck it is. I wish I was a fucking midget down in my knees. You know why? Because you could do dirty, filthy things. You don't have to fucking get on a bed with them.

They can just eat your ass by fucking standing up on their tippy toes. Can you imagine if you could eat somebody's ass and you're fucking tippy toes to me? I haven't heard the expression. Tippy toes in 30 years. What's that? Tippy toes.

That's a sterile. Can you imagine only just picking up your toes and having your nose in some chick's asshole sucking that fucking memory if you want to lose weight? Ultimate weight. A lot of people don't know this. Pussy juice. It's better than great.

rape fruit. Some people eat grapefruit with coffee in the morning. It's going to burn the enzymes. Let me tell you some. You get that push and you dig deep. You finger that motherfucker and you get some of that juice from the walls to come out. Let me tell you something. You get some of that

fucking cane juice to come out of those walls, that old sperm that goes in there and sits that shit. Boy, I think Madonna got so thin like that because she fucking don't fuck around. She sucks ass pussy over there. She goes to England just to suck like 30-year-old pussy. It's got that juice and that juice

keeps your skin tightly. You'll look like a fucking young juke. What's the matter with you, Lee? Look at the shape of you and shit. You're all right, my brother? I'm good. You're excited about your new future? You're a thin, healthy young man. No more fucking couches. No more fucking Green Bay. No more in New England. Who's sending you tweets?

Who's sending you to you? What about the abs? Sure. Yeah, no more fucking around with you. You're taking back old school. You're not making money off New England. What do you give a fuck? So every day before a game, you watch as soon as the game comes on. But this is what your new plan is for the year.

When New England starts, you're exercising. You catch it from halftime only. That's your treat. You're only watching from halftime in if you've exercised for the first 30 minutes. No pre-game football. You ain't Jimmy the Greek, and you ain't no fucking analyst.

It's like you bet. You don't give a fuck. You're just jumping up and down. I'm from the neighborhood. Who gives a fuck? You think they're jumping up and down for you? Lee's on the chair. If they jump up and down?

Yeah, what the fuck? It's over. We're going back. to old school here lead dedication you're putting out of yarmulke again we're going back to additionalists my fucking around all right you know i know no more chipotle no more that shit no more disgusting food no more vina the bouque book of the pep or that shit you ate with them fucking artificial italians it's still you still like that shit that shit's all coming to an end you're on salads and fucking pencils you understand me salads and pencils what's going on what he's

you have pencils. Shove them up your asshole. I don't fucking know. What are you bothering me for? Would you like to buy a pencil? No, would you like to buy a flower so I can shove it up your ass?

So great. So that's it, my brother. I love you to death. I'm happy you're doing what you're doing. I couldn't do this podcast without you. So you've got to be happy. You know, the beautiful thing about the podcast is every week people send us these emails.

Joey, you only are helping people more than what you know. Really? You fucking Mo-mo's are helping us more than what you know, because you keep me in check. You know, you keep me in fucking check, you know. And the same thing with Lee. You make me want to go out and do better material for you. You make me want to come here and write what I'm going to talk about on the podcast

and be prepared and pick good music for you. So it's not all about you guys. You guys are doing the same for me, and I want you to do the same for this fucking gun up here. Look at you. It's over. It's over. These people love you.

They want your health. They want the best for you. Without you, we can't do this podcast. So from now on, I don't want to hear that you're packing. I don't want to hear you picking. your mother up at the airport, I don't want to hear nothing. The first thing after we fucking leave here is you're jogging. You're walking,

you're getting your life together, you're breathing, you're going to get a notebook, you're going to write down your goals and your life and what you've done every week, and that's it. No more packing, no more I'm home eating, no more nothing. Before you even go down there to pick up your fucking girlfriend to eat that Mexican heart food that'll kill you, you've got

to run around the fucking North Hollywood Park. That's the only way you could do it, Lee. Because then, instead of eating four enchiladas, you know you just walked four fucking laps. You just walk four fucking laps. I ain't eating eight enchiladas. I'm going to eat three of them and I'm not going to eat the Mexican rice. I'm going to have a salad. Do you follow me? And you can still have your enchiladas because in the Mexican rice, it's eight points a fucking cup. You ain't got time for Mexican rice. I don't even look at Mexican rice no more. If I got to eat rice, I'll eat

right rice if I definitely have to. I had pork fried rice last week and whatever, I had a little cup of it. And I could taste the grease in it. It was delicious. I'm not going to sit here line to you. They ain't nothing better than Mexican rice with that fucking pig fat in it and that lard. That's why it's eight points of fucking... That shit and the shit, the rice of Benihana, that gives you a heart attack. That's why that rice of Benihana is so delicious.

That shit will kill you. So that's all they're going to tell you on Weight Watchers late. They're going to say to you leave. We don't give a fuck if you eat enchiladas. Well, how many did you eat last week? Oh, he ate six. That means you ate eight. So, eat three with a salad. Tell fucking mama.

grandma go, you want me to keep fucking hanging out of here and buying cakes and everybody has a good time? You got to feed me healthy. And she'll know. She'll know. Yeah, I mean, my plan for now is not to have any of it, because I can't. I'm the worsted. I don't want you walking around wounded.

I don't want to leave. When you can't have an enchilada, you're going to walk around wounded. It's like having a chick with you that's a whore and you can't eat her pussy. Why have her around? You know what I'm saying? Right or wrong? It's like hooking up with a a chick that sucks a million dicks a day and you don't want her to suck your dick. I need for you to live. I need for you to have

a life. With that, the church of what's happening now always, Steve Simone. What's happening, bro? I want you to tell me a fucking story, a concedonet, something, you know what I'm saying? I want you to drop some knowledge on me until you got nothing for your uncle Joey. I bought donuts. I'm here. I'm hanging out. I'm listening and I'm laughing.

I want you to be involved. I want you to tell me your story, something. What happened? Did you and your brother jump up on that? You didn't see the whizzener? You didn't see the Wizard of Lazz backwards? Tell me something, you're fucking. But do you remember, oh, I was talking to my brother yesterday about in the 80s when they were talking about

the backward masking and heavy metal songs that when you played them backwards? Right, they don't do that no one. No, nobody's talking about that anymore. Riann, she don't want to suck the devil's dick. She already caught a beating, so why are you going to fucking talk bad about the devil or play the music backwards or whatever? Lee, it's fucking Friday. I can't send

these people off. What's the What's the thing that he, what's that movie without Pacino and the other kid? I send you on amongst weaves. I send you out. There's a passage in the Bible. What the devil's advocate? Yeah, the devil's advocate. That movie was pretty scary.

That's a scary movie. What's the line he says to him? I send you out amongst the lambs. That's what I'm doing with you. I send my only son out there amongst the fucking wolves, dressed as a lamb or something like that. Something like that. How the fuck do you go to church?

The cheese is going to know of this passage. What am I going to do with you? Oh, I didn't know if you're quoting the movie, the sheep amongst the lambs, that one? Yeah, what is it? I don't know. This one told me. I got a fucking half a Catholic and a half of Jewel here. We've got to get back to traditions.

You understand? Why don't we just open up a church for you two fucking momos? We've got ropes in there and whips and protein powders. Why are they whips? I don't know, Lee. It's an expression. When was the last time you whip somebody? Never.

Well, that's my fucking point. Why don't you get a whip this week and whipped? If you ever consider it, just put her against a wall whip her. That sounds terrible. You fucking Viva Sepata, you cop sucker. Viva sapata. When did you whip anybody? I whipped Terry last night with the back of the belt, called her a fucking Indian.

No, I didn't. If I hit Terry with a belt, I wouldn't be here right now. I'd be litting on fucking fire right now in my bed next to the cat. I love you, but I love you guys. I love you people at home. I love that you support the church and you support what we're doing. You know, we're coming at you straight from the heart.

Like, what's his name in the 80s? Who came at you straight from the heart? Everybody knows right from the heart. Put on the King of Rock by fucking Rum DMC. That's what we're in. Oh, shit. Out of respect from my main man, Steve Samar. I love you guys.

I want to give a shout out to Onit. A shout out to naturesbox.com. Nailed at Life.com. Escapepodtank.com. people over at fucking Hulu Plus two weeks for free. I got my motherfuckers over at Dollar Shave Club giving your razors and fucking

knives and whatever the fuck you need. The rest is up to you. The rest is up to you people. Like I said on the Rogan podcast the other day. Keep showing up. Something good or fucking happen. You know what I'm saying? Keep showing up. That's all that matters. Even if it's twice a week, you show up. I love you

motherfuckers. Have a great weekend. Lee, I love you, cocksucker. Steve Simone. I love you, Uncle Joey. Sunday, July. It's 11th and 12th, La Jollaia Comedy. And then Sunday, where? This Sunday at the Irvine Improv. They give you all the fun dates, don't they? You got to work like a fucking savage on a Sunday.

People can't get to church on Sunday, but you expect to do a comedy show on Sunday. So you got a packet, and you got to tell me you're going to be the funniest fucking Steve Simone. They're ever going to see. They're going to have to tell 60 minutes to suck that dick. DVR, that motherfucker. Who gives a fuck about Jay Leno and Chinese people riding horses? And fucking...

Chinese people right. Every week, they throw you with a story like, I'm supposed to give a Frenchman's fuck You understand me? Go see my main man my main what's his name Steve Simone this Sunday You want another edible before let's do another half a good time A little and a half a gloomy

Just to get the party started It's already started Just a little what started? I'm there All right as long as you're there And my main man Lee Syatt Have a great motherfucking week in the church What's Happen now Constantine Rain, Waterboxer

Cleo Fucking the The Germany, the little Spanish kid in Germany. El Nino. I love all you motherfuckers. Stay black. Thank you, Joey. Now that this show's over.

Remember, go to go to naturebox.com and order great tasting, healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast and get half off with your first order. Go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. That's naturedbox.com. Promocode Joey. And thank you to NailDitLife.com. for there for the community

and mention Jody is to get 20% off. First thing I said to myself, that fucking Steve Simons are gonna believe this place. I'm telling you, come on, you're gonna bug. Hey, this is a rock and roll museum. You guys don't belong in here. Stop rock and tell I'll be dead. You know.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Got the right to vote and we'll elect. And other rappers can't stand us, but give us respect. So good. Jack and this is not thriller It's one dumb rapper I know I can hang

I went from run DMC Because the fool in the game Road to the Rock, Rock to the Road DFC's death of talent State and right control You can't touch me With a 10 foot pole And I even made the devil

Tell me his soul So good Now we crash through walls Bus through floors And knock on doors And when we're on the tape Refresh out the box You can hear our sound

Four blocks a block. That is brilliant. Really good. Brilliance. Where's the beef? Un-fucking-believement. And where's the beef reference? With the balance of the band.

I'm D.NC. I rock and rubble. It's not a trick-a-tree, and it's not an April fool. It's all brand new. Never ever on school. Are you fucking kidding me? Body and your cat. And your feet won't bend. People jamming. It never fell.

I spent my time in a press hotel. I stood on many stages how many might take airplane flights at huge height. So you suck your MC. Isn't hard to believe it. We break two needles. There's three of us, but we're not the Beatles. You just call on DMC. MC for Murphy Cleans.

I'm DJ run like a scratch. I'm DJ. I can draw a track. And rock your knot. When they click take. Let the pop is pop. is pop and the break this break. Are you fucking get that?

Are you fucking getting that. That's the way it is. Just stand a hell back. We're crossing hard times. We suck the emcees because they don't make no songs like these.