The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #189 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT! It's Monday, August 15th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com Don't forget to Pre-Order Joey's New Book, TREMENDOUS: The Story of a Comedy Savage on AMAZON! https://amzn.to/3QeDeCx This episode is also brought to you by Liquid I.V. & DraftKings… Liquid IV Support the show and get 15% off at https://Liquid-IV.com by using code JOEY at checkout. DRAFTKINGS Bet $5 get $200! Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using the code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 1-877-770-STOP (7867) (LA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA/MI/NJ/ NY/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. N/A in NH/OR/ON. One per new customer. Min. $5 deposit and wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 8/20/22. SGP Opt-in req. Max. wager $10. Max winnings vary. Min 3-leg SGP. SGP must lose to receive up to $10 Free Bet award. Exp. prior to start of final UFC 278 fight. See http://draftkings.com/sportsbook for details. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #LiquidIV #DraftKings The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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and get ready for football season it's going to be big they've got a million dollars in prizes they're giving away light that candle let's get this fucking podcast started cuckuckers what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's Monday the 15th of the fucking month

it's the halfway point I hope everybody's doing well It was a great fucking weekend It's been a great couple of weeks We haven't had a chat A time to chit chat about what's been going on But everything's fucking great I'm happy you enjoyed the Eric Rocha podcast

When we covered gay pride in June I know it was a month too late But fucking things happened Lee was great It was really really great to see Lee I'm happy you guys always get a kick Out of him coming on the podcast He's a fucking different dude, man.

He's a different dude. And you know what? We all are. I can sit here with Mike and go, I'm a different dude. You know what? We all are different. It's sitting next to him here. I mean, there's tons of love when he came down.

We went to eat one night. We fucking, we just did silly shit. One night for dinner, we just went to Carvel. Like, we just went to Carvel. You know what I'm saying? No bridge. That's my favorite Carvel. They got a motherfucker.

fucking drive-through. We didn't go through the drive-thru because, you know, but we sat outside and we just watched the fucking people and we were like making bets on who's got diabetes and who's going to get diabetes. It's funny when you stand in front of an ice cream joint or a candy joint or something like that. I'm not making fun of people with diabetes, but Jesus Christ, you know, listen, I get my blood checked four times a year and I look for two things, cholesterol and my sugar. That's the more, I don't care about my testosterone. I knocked her up. Fuck it. It's done. I don't even need testosterone. And you can see my hair is thinning through the fucking,

I don't even need the hair cuts no more. I'm at an age where my hair cuts itself. You know what I'm saying? You don't know how lucky you are. Like these motherfuckers tap out and shave their head. I can never shave my head because if you think I'm ugly now, fucking forget about it. Scars.

God knows what's in my head. But it's so funny how I'm getting so old. I don't even need haircuts no more. The fucking hairdo is thinning out. My wife says to me, Do you want to do something about it? I go, what I want to do about? What do I do about it?

The hair was here when I needed it. It's time to move on, you know what I'm saying? It's time to move on from the hair. I got a kid. I already got a wife. I had two wives. I slung some dick. You know, that's it.

My hair served its fucking purpose. You know what I'm saying? You cover it a different way and it all works out. It tricks people. You know, people thought I had a lot of hair. But now I'm down to fucking nothing. And that's the way it is. I'm not sweating it.

I had a friend. He's still my friend. We haven't spoken in like six years, but I guarantee he's still fucking hitting himself every day with a treatment. I remember when he was putting lemons on his bald head. I mean, this guy went through fucking hell with that. I used to tell him, you're a beautiful fucking dude. Who gives a fuck about hair?

You need hair to get pussy. He's still not married, so I guess he was right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, everybody got a fucking hair transplant. You know, everybody thought that's what it was, but it just those things don't keep. You know what I'm saying? That little squirrel's nest don't keep.

But I don't want to talk about fucking people's hairdoes and wigs and shit like that. I was watching a movie the other night with one of the best movies I've ever seen. It's, uh, they've been playing it a lot. Like, uh, on Showtime, I think, the Cinnamax is called Nothing in Common. Fucking Jackie Leeson and Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks plays his son. And his mom is great. I forget who the actresses plays his mom.

Hector Elizondo's in the movie and Hector plays his fucking boss and Hector has a wig and every time he sees Tom Hanks he goes, hey man how's it look? Can you tell? You know, and all this shit

and he's really insecure about his wig so there's one scene where he goes to check on Tom Hanks and fucking Tom Hanks, his mother's there with him and she's checking out the wig from the side and Tom's trying to fucking get enough to check out the wig and all of something he walks away to mom goes that's the worst fucking wig I've ever seen in my life

my, don't say that to him. I don't even know how we got to this point about wigs. I just always felt uncomfortable about a guy who had to wear a wig because he felt uncomfortable. That's the weirdest fucking thing. Last night I went to a Saturday night. I went to a little bash, a birthday party. And on the way out, I was talking to a guy about knee surgeries, whatever,

when we were waiting for the car to come. And he had a tremendous wig. He had the one that you just put over the whole thing. Like John, what's his name, Joe Pantleano? And fucking the Sopranos, when he pulled his hair out and the fucking hair, it was like the wig. It was like the hookah we mugged in fucking 82. We pulled the hair and the wig came on. But, uh, David Spade and Tommy Boy.

Fuck. But, uh, yeah, it's been a great fucking week. I mean, Lee, he's back in Boston. You know, he went to Philly for a couple days, teamed up with Steams. D'Amone. They went over to Angelo's. A shout out to Angelo's. That fucking pizza is tremendous.

The red puck. is fucking tremendous. They said they had some sandwiches and a bunch of shit. So he got the love from Philadelphia. And he's back in Boston. He was going to stop by yesterday. I was going to take him to the fucking pickled herring because he was going to stop by here on Sunday at about 11

and then pick up a bunch of pastrami and some other Jewish delicacies. And then he was going to shoot up to his mother, eat Jewish food with her, and he's taken her. He took her to the Boston Red Sock game last night in Fenway against the fucking Yankees. So, listen, man, he's happy.

I wish him all luck in the world, and you heard it here first. I always fucking knew it. I knew he was going to get it together. The only fucked up thing he did here was he ate McDonald's one night, Burger King. I almost stabbed him. All that fucking weight and all that one. You eat Burger King, now you got to walk back to the moon and back. So a little liquid IV.

I don't know what my canteen is. My wife took it. Oh, there it is, but it's fucking dirty. Yeah, we'll wash it later. So it's 16 ounces of water. It's just simple, guys. Just pop this motherfucker in here. I heard that real good.

Woo. And sometimes I put a little fucking cell food in this motherfucker, a little oxygen. Ooh, Lordy. You eat some garlic pills and a little oxygen. What comes out of your ass is tremendous. You understand me? Too it later.

Sorry about the squeeze, and I know I'll get some shit. But anyway, let's talk about some stand-up comedy and something that happened Thursday. I don't know if a lot of you guys don't know what happened Thursday. and I was one of my best shows ever, not me personally. Like, my materials sucked dick. But I tell you what was great about this show. This was the last I've done six shows and Uncle Vinnie's.

And then I go all the other places. I drop in here, drop in there. I like Uncle Vinny's. It's small. I feel comfortable there. Lee and I both said it reminds you of Stage 2 in Pasadena. Fucking nice room. I mean, I don't even know when the ice house is opening up again.

but I've seen pictures and it looks fucking beautiful. But this Uncle Vinny's has just been a... Listen guys, it's seats 150, 160. It's no glamour. You know, the food is fucking great, you know. I didn't know how to feel about it at first, but now I feel great about it. B-Y-O-B.

That's the best fucking thing I've ever... You know, you bring what you fucking drink. People are there with coolers. It's just tremendous. I really enjoy the place. Dino is fucking aces. I'll perform there until I fucking die I love the goddamn place

but let me tell you what happened Wednesday night I didn't tell you guys I told the Patreon people so Wednesday day Lee was here Ari came Ari was here for the day we went over to the fucking Chinese place and he got

his General Tau's chicken Ari came Jimmy came all we all hanging out talking shit when they left when they left around Two o'clock, Ari hung out. And I got a call from a buddy man in Vegas, Mario Arias. And he goes, hey man, I'm just giving you a heads up.

Mr. LeVito is showing up to your show tonight. Mr. Lovito was our sixth grade teacher at McKinley School in North Bergen. Cool motherfucker. So I'm like, really? Mr. Lovito's coming. I spoke to Mr. Lovito when I first moved back here. Mario gave me his number. And we had a great conversation.

and he lives close by. He lives a couple minutes from Point Pleasant. Or close to the LBI, I'm sorry. So I haven't seen Mr. Libido since 1982. So I'm up on stage. I had, you know, I put a couple things. I put a bit together. Believe it or not,

I finally put like a little, little bit. There's a little run. There's like two little runs. One run is more for, like a family type show. I can't be doing that material about savages because they'll go, Joy, we don't want to hear about your daughter. And then the other one is about what's going on in my life right now, you know.

And I was about to go into it, but I knew Mr. Lovito was in the audience. So I'm like, you know what? I was about 10 minutes in a guy, I got to address this dude. I go, listen, before I go any further, I heard a rumor that my sixth grade teacher was coming tonight, Mr. Lovito. And I looked and he raised his hand.

And the place fucking clap for him. The place went nuts. And then what I wanted to do is use them as a soundboard. You know, for years, people like Joey, these stories couldn't have happened. Some of my best stories happened in fucking McKinley. So many things happened. I remember a lot of them. Like, they had to remind me about a lot of this shit.

After the show, we went to the green room. We were talking shit. But, you know, I thanked him because the story with Lovito, why he's so important in this whole thing. And he's in the book is because, in the sixth grade when I first got to, I lived in North Bergen's to 73, but I went to that Catholic school.

I got thrown out, and then I went to McKinley. My first day at McKinley, my mother had a friend that was, his name was, fuck was his name, Pepe Goho. That means he's got like a bum leg,

like he had like a little platform foot. Pepe Goho was a drug dealer that was also doubling as a roofing company guy and one day the roof fell on him. In Miami, so he got a bunch of fucking dough from the settlement so he didn't want to sell Coke no more or be a roofer

so he started a fucking clothing line, right? Like in 1975 or some shit. And it was called Conti Valace, C-O-N-T with a slash Balachi, like the Valachi papers of Charles Bronson. So right away, my dick got hard, and my mother said, listen, he sent you some shirts.

Put these shirts on. That really nice shirts wore him to school. I put one of the shirts on without really looking at it. And it was a fucking Greek orgy saint. Like my first day in sixth grade, I walked into school. school and I didn't know it to the kids like what is that is that her pussy I had like women with

harry pussies eating like grapes and shit and I remember at the end of the day miss Lovito's like I like this shirt I go you know I'm sorry I fucking wore it I didn't know what was on here and he's like okay just don't worry it again because obviously you got the kids riled up but that was my relationship miss Lovito on the first day but he soon noticed he goes this motherfucker's too hyper so he cut me a deal because I'll tell you what I'm going to do and you've all heard this deal before Because teachers have been doing it for years. They go, listen, if you behave all week, I'll let you go up on stage. I'll let you go up in the front of the class on Mondays, on Fridays, at 1 o'clock.

Because we had a choice then. We could either be a part of the Ecology Club where you went to a park and picked up papers. Papa don't pick up no papers, even then in the sixth grade, right? Or you could sit in class or go to Catechism. I think I got thrown out of Catechism like two months in because one of the kids asked the fucking priest, how do they know the Bible shit was for real? Anybody could have wrote that.

It's a Mickey Mouse book. Oh, my God. Get the fuck out the whole thing. So my option is now with the Ecology Club or to sit with these fucking Jamokes in this class. But I figured the Jamokes that sat down with a lot of girls. It was more girls than guys. So one day, LeVito goes,

go ahead, do what you need to do up there. You did well. So I brought a record player to school. Well, they had a record player. And I put on Frankie Val. And I would go up there every Friday and sing My Eyes Adorger In the sixth grade, I thought I was a fucking crooner

Right? Like I thought it was like Sinatra But I was too ugly So the girls wouldn't listen to me sing I would walk over to them like what the fucking Make Believe I had a microphone And my eyes adorjia And they go, go away Just go away

It was so embarrassing So I figured my singing wasn't any good So I started cracking jokes And since the only fucking comic I really like was the sixth grade Was Richard Pryor I would basically go up there every Friday and do fucking the one hour I showed you. Is it something I said, bicentennial, whatever? I would bring all those.

I would go down there and fucking do the thing verbatim. And he would just shake his head like you can't fucking do this shit, you know? But that's the story. Those are probably the inner roots to stand up for me. So I always thanked them. I always thanked them in little things. Whenever I talk to people, they said they speak to Levito, I would always go thank Mr. Levitio for putting me out.

on stage, you know, so everything was going great. We just up there telling stories about how we were going to kill the gym teacher, you know, how fucking, and Mr. Lovito was loving this shit. He's like, afterwards like, Coco, you have a memory. He goes, I didn't remember half this shit, you know, telling stories about how we used to rob shop, right, as a kid, and then go back and throw hubbubbub at each other. Who throws hubbub at each other? Nobody.

But the highlight of the night, we were just getting into, Carmen Balsano and how he beat up Mr. Titora. I mean, this shit was all happening right in front of us in grammar school. We spoke about my friend Anthony Bousano when he died, how fucking sad it was, how his parents went on the news, Channel 4 News, before fucking Saturday Night Live. It was just a great time. But the highlight of the night, I go, Mr. Lovito, tell these motherfuckers what happened when they put a hit of acid and Mr. Grasda's coffee.

He used to have a thermos. like that fucking liquid IV thing and he would put it on his desk and all day drink coffee from it while he was talking to the students and teaching one of the kids took his when he stepped out

to get like I don't know supplies they took his coffee was hot and they put a hit a blot of acid and after lunch this motherfucker teacher didn't come back in fact they didn't come back like two days he couldn't have figured out what happened to him he told me the story

afterwards so I go do you remember when they put an head of acid and Mr. Agrestis coffee and he goes yeah He's right there He was at the show So he's like I do remember that And I go hey

Mr. Gresta how you doing? I had already stuck my foot in my mouth I'm like hey Mr. Grester how about how are you doing He goes good Coco I go listen for the record It wasn't me But I'm not a crime stop

And the mystery It was Eddie Lamenca Edelomaca Edelomaca was a crazy Cuban kid That moved to Florida fastest shit This guy was a born thief. He could run and he could jump fences.

Tremendous. So afterward he came back and he goes, I can't believe they put an acid in my thing. He goes, I heard about it years later that it was acid. He goes, they could have killed me. But he also reminded me about something else. He goes, the last time I saw you, you came up to me and asked me if I could fix you up you up with my niece, Patty Emerson.

I'm like, holy shit. Patty Emerson was a girl that was a sweetheart, dear, just a dear friend. the mind and she was so sweet i liked her so much i'm like you know what i can't hit on this girl she's just going to be my friend and then we started calling the patty nat because at parties people would see it and go you know what i want to take her from a date and then i'm like she's too sweet for you man but every guy would always go oh my god look how hot she is maybe i'll go talk to patty and then they go nah so her name ended up being patty nae we would just call her Patty Nat because nobody was allowed to talk to her or to touch on.

I told this on the church, it got so bad with Patty Nat that I remember when she went to her first year at college, she came to Joan Marries. She's like, listen, guys, you got to stop fucking protecting me. I can't get no guys to hit on me because they know that if somebody hits on me, you guys, because one of my friends pissed on a guy that was making out with her. So it was just fucking, she, I go, that's your fucking niece? And he's like, yeah, she's doing great. She lives in Long Island.

I go, send them my love. I haven't seen her in fucking years. But guys, it was just great to see one of your school. It inspired me so much over the weekend I called like two other ones to my teachers. I'm like, listen, I'm doing a show in the city. And I like for you guys to come. I'll send a car for you on an Uber, whatever. I have one of my friends come pick you up.

You know, I got Mr. Barone. Mr. Teranova's mad at me because last week he was down the show and he wanted for me to go see him, but we already had plans. He dropped it on me the day before, so I couldn't shoot. Oh, it was the day Lee was coming. So I was waiting on Lee to come.

He was like, I'm having a party at 12. I'm like, dog, I don't know what time I can get over there because my friend's coming. I don't want to rush over to your house and then him hit me in half fucking stride and I got to come back. So I ended up not going. I called him like Wednesday.

He didn't pick up the phone. That means he's mad at me for a few days. It fucking happens. But the fact that, I tell you guys, I was a tyrant. I was a fucking nightmare and all this shit. And I still communicate with my fucking teachers. It just, it makes me proud.

It really does, man. I felt so great after that show the other night. You know, and that's, I'd love to do a show like that. Just get one of my teachers, like, before the book, I was thinking about this. Getting like a teacher or an ex-coach or friends of mine that wouldn't mind being on camera or not camera wouldn't mind me bouncing off him like tell these motherfuckers about the time we mug the dude in jersey city just anything i don't know i'm not saying i mug the dude in jersey city i'm just saying you know it would be great to just confirm these stories do you know what

i'm saying like just fucking have a good time because they're all 30 40 years ago nobody gives the fuck you know nobody cares i can't believe i told the story on rogan about this girl lorry jack when we were growing up. When we were growing up, right? I just told the story on Rogue and maybe what? Five years ago, six years ago. The other day, one of my fucking high school buddies, who I talked to a lot, said to me,

he called, we were talking about something. He goes, hey, man, you told me you did it, but I didn't believe you. And he goes, but I saw it the other day. He goes, do you know that the Lori Jack story has like 15 million downloads combined because I think Joe Rogan has it, somebody else had, and then people copied it.

He's got a couple of clip people. Yeah, I don't check on those things. I don't know what's out there. He's like, it's got like 15 minutes. He goes, have you ever heard from her? Has she ever said anything to you? And I go, I see her on Facebook all the time. She might not see you.

Huh? No, no, no. We're friends on Facebook. She hit me up one day. You want to be friends? I'm like, ooh. That was a long time ago. And, you know,

I mean, she's never said nothing, tell me. 15 million, he told me. No, she's around. You know, I see a post on there. Who the fuck knows, man? I'm just trying to fucking have a good time here. You know, I'm just trying to... That's it.

This is what I've been doing lately, man. I'm just... It's a different fucking world. And Lee helped me confirm that the other day. Lee really helped me confirm a lot of shit about me this week. on things I want to do, things I used to do, things I didn't want to do. You know, it's one thing I'm really happy about guys. It did get really out of control.

It really did. It really fucking did. And, you know, you cannot eat 2,000 milligrams of ABX daily. There's going to be a fucking, you know, we pay for everything. I've said this for years. No matter what you're doing this life, you pay for it. It might not be today. and it might not be tomorrow, but somewhere along the line,

it's going to pop up the fucking bite you in the ass. And not a bad way. Just it might affect your health, something you did years earlier, you know. And it's, I'm happy to be, I can't say I'm sober because I'm really not. I smoked before the show this morning. I smoked before I went to the gym, you know.

But it's not even, I'm embarrassed to say this sometimes. It's not even. one thing I am doing is getting super high on weed. Like, I have to be honest with everybody. Like, I am getting so high on weed now. It's scary. Like, it's back to the point where I, if I smoke a joint, I'm going to sleep. After I eat a half a box of special K, some blueberries, some cantaloupes.

This is what I do every fucking night. I mean, you know, I get so high in the daytime. that I'm okay and I'm happy. I hate the fucking say this, but I'm kind of happy to be this sober right now. Guys, I got to tell you, man, the last two years, you know, to see everything moving

and for you to step to the back has been, it's been a fucking great experience because I didn't know. I had no fucking idea what was going on was going on. I really didn't. It was just, you know, people like, I can't believe you don't want to do this anymore.

Do you understand where I just stepped out of it? It was just total anxiety. Like I tell you guys, a podcast was six hours. We didn't do an hour. We did an hour and a half, but we were there six fucking hours. So Mike would be getting here like Monday at 12. He wouldn't leave till six. What do you tell your wife?

Yeah, that's what I was looking forward to. Yeah, like, everybody wanted to leave for six fucking hours when you're married. But I'm home. I'm home. I got no way. You know, I'm saying so. It just took so fucking much. But right now, what I'm looking at, lately, I've just been looking at this.

And I tell my wife, once a fucking month, I tell my wife, I tell Mike, I tell Lee, I tell my friends, I go, never mind the house. Never mind the book. Never mind losing weight. Never mind having a child. Never mind any of this shit. One of the things I wake up every morning and I fucking, dog, I do gratitude shit every fucking morning. You know, I told my wife, I used to get up in the morning, get a couple

coffee from the kitchen and go right in front of the computer. That is horrible for you. I'm telling you this right now, guys, it's fucking horrible for you. When you wake up in the morning, you know, throughout the night, you went into REM sleep or whatever, and you've processed it. It's not just your muscles and your heart. Everything gets a fucking charge of. You'll wake up at 3 in the morning to pee and you tap into a dream of what's your mind going while you're, you're going, while you're sleeping like sometimes you I wake up to pee and I'm thinking about the weirdest thought because there's probably what I was dreaming about before but your mental is dreaming like your mental is resting everything is resting so when you wake up your brand fucking new again you're brand new

again like whatever problems you had that were really affecting you you've broken them down now you that's why people always say let me sleep on it let me fucking sleep on it okay so when you wake up in the fucking morning. If you wake up refreshed and there's not, like with me, I never woke up refreshed. I'm not going to lie to you people. I woke up and as I was pissing, I'm still fucking high from last night. You know, my heart's beating. I'm thinking

about the gig. I don't want to fucking do tonight and then never mind that, I got to do something else and then tomorrow I got to get on a plan at 4 30 in the morning. Guys, this is what you wake up with. Now you sit in front of the fucking computer and you open up Twitter or Facebook and it's like you know, it's just a fucking grind.

You know, like it's just, or you open up Yahoo or fucking whatever, CNN, and it just takes you for a fucking ride. And I didn't know how bad it was affected me. I remember I would get on the phone. I would get up at 7. And by 7.30, people were talking to me about

business in New York, and I'm like, that's not good. I guess I did it for years. It works when you're fucking, you know, but somewhere around there, I like to get up now. Like, if I get up at 7.30, I grab a cup of coffee

and I go right outside I don't care if it's raining I don't care if it's dirty below I dress accordingly and I go on my balcony under that fucking umbrella and I just sit there and I do my gratitude checks

I say them a little you know I speak them out so the universe could hear me I'm grateful for my house I'm grateful for having friends like Mike I'm grateful to wake up this morning I'm grateful that my dick still works I'm grateful that my hair is cutting itself

I don't have to spend 50 bucks every two fucking months. You know, you just do this gratitude thing, you know, and the gratitude, the biggest gratitude I have is I don't get high anymore. That cocaine shit and the fucking Xanax shit that I was using for anxiety, that without knowing, it affects you, no matter what you take. I know for a fact when I had the knee surgery, those pain pills were fucking me up on a different level. I know for a fucking fact that I did not feel good.

But what I've noticed lately is I could tell now for the first time in my fucking whole life Because I don't look at that thing I don't look at that But for the first time I could tell when somebody's doing drugs Yeah, somebody else Yeah, like I could tell now through their language I had an idea I can't lie to you know even if I don't see them Just from what they're writing Their topic what's on it's so stupid and I'm not judging nobody

I'm not judging nobody I did drugs for 50% 50 fucking years. Who am I going to judge? Really? Yeah. Who am I going to fucking judge? But what I'm trying to say to you is I could see how it fucking affects you now. I have three people

in my life right now that I talk to from time to time. And it's so weird that I finally put together why they're so weird to me on the phone. Because they're getting high.

And I don't understand that gibberish anymore. It's like comedy gibberish from L.A. When somebody from L.A. calls and they go, oh, my God, we miss you so much. It's like, listen, I got to go. My daughter's on the field. She's about the bat. You want to call me with gibberish that you miss me.

Whatever the fuck they're telling you. But I can hear the drugs now. Guys, I never believe that. If you listen to every podcast I talked about, I said that all my failures over those years was on me. I never blamed nothing on drugs. I got to tell you something. for the fucking first time in my life

I'm blaming shit on drugs that I did I can't believe this I saw a fucking video some fucking jerk off put it up from L.A. And there was a time in that video that was when I was getting high and I saw that video

and I listened to what I was saying and it was fucking disturbing. It was very disturbing on what I was talking about in those days when I was doing coke. Now, every time I think about a conversation, I fucking cringe. You ever think about a conversation

you had like on the sixth grade with a girl when you went to hit on her and she's like, no, but I'm plattered or whatever the fuck they would say to you as a nice way of saying you're a fucking loser? I still dread a conversation I had with this girl named De Bees Rodriguez in the sixth grade.

It was the most awkward conversation. And I went up to her and I asked her for a date and she's like, oh my God, I'm in such shock, but I got to be honest to you. I don't see you that way, but I'm flat. I'll never forget the word flattered because I had to go home and look it up. She's like, I'm flattered that you thought of me for this dance,

but I already have somebody in mind. You know, I still remember those conversations. When I sit here and tell you guys that I still remember my bombing and fucking New Orleans. Yeah. You remember all those things. I do. I definitely fucking do.

When I think about the shit I was talking about, till four in the morning with people when you're doing coke. Oh, God, that's the worst gibberish in the fucking world. Anybody who's done Coke and has been with three people doing Coke at four in the morning, I love you. Oh, my God, I think the same. It's like when I watch boogie nights, I fucking love boogie nights. But when she's talking to Markey Warburg and the other chick,

and they're saying, I love you, I love you, you're my mom. I'm not going to say I didn't use that terminology. I was the king of that lingo. I snorted a lot of coke. That's why I have to why I could snort coke. nobody. I'm like, I don't want to smoke with nobody because they got to hear my lingo and I got to hear what's coming out of that fucking spout. Not today. The last four years, five years I did Coke. I was solo, Jack. That's more reasons. Listen, I went to the fucking breathing doctor Friday,

okay? And they did an evaluation and then they send you the report. And then she called me and she goes, I'll tell you why you've been getting dizzy in your car. I'll tell you, bro, she broke it down for me last week this bitch i forgot to bring this up to you guys she's like i don't know if you they did everything guys they test my lungs i was there for three fucking hours last week they tested lungs capacity holding your breath under war i mean guys they did everything then they drive me up and they gave me a neural exam and the lady's like listen your ears it is it's the years of a 60 year old you know whether you ruin them in concerts or whatever the fuck you're blaming it on that's great but she goes I'm gonna talk to you about something

she goes your ear everything that is wrong with you it's because of your left fucking eye she goes I don't know what happened to your left eye I mean you ever see my left eye goes that way as from doing too much coke on the left side like you do one too many bumps on the left side because I swear to God my right nose used to be the money nose right when you first start doing coke it's the right side you do oh that's not bad I like the drip when you do the fucking but then the nose on this side you know I started in this nose on like 79

so but at time 87 came you know I was breaking down to this left side dog I know the nights when I would do a line and I would feel my eye just go and go that way and then I'd have to fucking hit it and it focused back in on the mirror and I go I'm not telling nobody

about this shem I'm telling you people now because it was 20 years ago I care about my eyes 20 years ago but I would fucking snort coke toys I would do so much fucking coke that I could feel my eye like fucking trembling whatever the fuck it was now when I was a kid I knew my eyes

weren't goofy because I had 20-20 fucking vision so she said what happened did you have a traumatic experience what happened I got hit in the head with a kilo of coke that's all I can fucking think of you know I got hitting the head with a kilo of coke and now my fucking left thigh goes this way so oh my God

so now they're gonna send they sent me fucking guys three emails of exercises I got to do I just finished the first bats this morning. Not jumping jacks and sit-ups. I got to breathe into a bag for 90 minutes, 90 seconds a day, five times a day. I got to get a fucking stick and do all this shit, and then they're going to do all this stuff. Now I got to go back next Friday.

And if I don't do the exercise, if she doesn't see that it's improved a little bit, you can't do nothing with me. She's got to send me for fucking really, really, really detailed professional help. The good thing was I don't have any concussions, nothing like that. There's nothing going on. No beginnings of dementia. The bad thing is I got to fix this left eye because that's what happens when I drive.

It's fucking hilarious. That when you drive, you focus, and then she was telling me, she goes, your two eyes start that way. Let's say Subaru headlights. Anybody have Subaru or Subaru? The headlights go where they adjust. So let's say you're going down a fucking cave

and there's something over here. The headlight will switch on Subaru. I don't know if you got, I forget what it's called. I'm very sorry. go to suprudu.com and get the fucking details i don't know but you're sitting there and and you look up this way and the lights will change so i think that's what that's what she said happens to my eye that after a while of focusing if i hit too many turns or something like that she goes you're not getting carsick your eyes

are making your brain and your ears all fucked up so sorry guys i just oh i need i need three fucking different pair of glasses i can't get the, she already contacted the fucking people at not Costco, somewhere else, Walmart. I don't know, she goes, that's the way the best place to get glasses. They hit me with regular glasses, reading

glasses, driving glasses, and nighttime glasses because of the left fucking eye. And they're thinking they're giving me one of those darker shades. You're like, when you, we ever see those dudes that come up with the clear on the right and they got a little clearer on the left? I've never seen that.

Guys, All you could do is fucking laugh about this shit. This is what happens when you get old. But this is what I'm talking about, guys. I always knew there was going to be a problem with cocaine. There's no way you're going to get hit in the head with two kilos of coke and fucking bounce around your life without no. You know, I look at Ozzy Osbourne.

He's a prime example. I look at Ozzy. These guys were deep cocaine heads. So I look at Ozzy and I see what faults he's had and he's had millions of fucking dollars so he could get everything. He's got wrong with him fixed, you know. But I was always concerned about this shit And here we go

The fucking I The eye The eye was the first victim Of the Coke Blizzard of Oz Of 19 fucking 80 With Uncle Joey And it happens guys

But it's just so weird how Thinking back to this Like I don't I'm so happy that Yeah I'm sure I get a little fucking backlash From the drugs from here to there

I have bad days Lately I've been finding and myself saying shit that I don't want to say. Like you would like say something, you're like, what did that come from? So I'm getting like that Pete Rose type thing. Like Pete Rose, you know, fucking says some crazy shit. Yeah, but at least I know.

I know and I can take care of it and at least I could fucking get some help for it or whatever the fuck it is. I mean, I'm not saying crazy shit, but I do, I'm a little louder than I was before. I say some crazier shit in Marlboro, which these are nice white people that don't deserve me fucking saying craziness around them.

Manalapan, all these people are very fucking nice down here. But I'll tell you, man, the people that I have in my life that are on drugs has been very interesting because I couldn't figure out what's going on. Like with our friendship, like I'm like, what the fuck is going on? And all of a sudden, to be honest, I got this fucking disturbing text here that day. Just disturbing from a dear friend of mine. You know, they try to tell you they're not getting high, but they're getting fucking high. and it's really delusional.

We haven't spoken in a while. So he reached out just to tell me that, you know, he, uh, he's doing better or whatever. But in the whole thing, I knew he had to throw something at me, and I've known this dude for a long time. He threw something at me, like, from high school. Oh, my God damn. Like, you did something to me.

And this is the second time he's mentioned in the year. You know, and I sent him some money on PayPal. It's just, I feel bad. I just hope that I can still, I know he's getting high, and I know you're going to enjoy, why just send him money? Listen, he's my age. He's struggling. I'm not enabling him.

I'm just, I don't know. You know, it's just, but guys, I'm just really happy. I don't do coke. And it's so weird right now, if you're getting high and anything, listen, I'm not here to fucking tell you not to get high, because nobody was going to tell me when I was 40, not to get high. nobody was going to tell me when I was 30 not to get high and I'll tell you what if you told me when I was 20 not to get high

I'd probably fucking hit you with the car or something like that I'm not gonna lie to you know but guys think about it for your uncle Joey man those drugs are fucked up and it took me all this time to say it whether it's cocaine the fucking pills the fucking you know the pain pills all that shit it affects you it fucking affects you man there's no way I did everything the last 15 years that I couldn't do for 44 fucking years. You know, it's August, September, we're three months away from me in 15 years not doing coke.

And I could write, it'll take me three pages to write the good things I did since in the last 15 years. In the first, before all those years are being coked up, I don't remember 15 things I did that were good. I don't remember 10 things I did. That was good. The only thing I remember is maybe getting on stage. When I came out of that cocaine,

I told you guys that I couldn't get on stage for a fucking year, you know, a year and a half. Well, that's probably what it was. You know, is that, it just puts a damper on your life, man. And I'm here to tell you. I mean, guys, I had a great time. I fucking had a great time doing drugs. If you come to me again and go,

I'm going to make you 20 again. Would you do the drugs? I say, yeah, until 30. let's cut it by 10 years let's just do drugs so I was 30 and then you could smoke pot or have your little cocktails

or whatever the fuck you do to make you feel better but everything else guys and I see what's going on now like listen when I was 20 and 25 and 30 I'm not saying I wasn't lurking in danger you could do a line of coke and die

it's happened you know you could do a listen you could get in a fucking car and hit somebody with the car after you drink It's happened, you know. But I sit here now and I'm like, I did so many fucking things in 15 years without the Coke.

And guys, it hasn't been a smooth journey. We had those edibles. You know, we had fucking refa. It was, you know, we discussed it last Wednesday on the podcast, Lee and I. It was nonstop. You know, cat tranquilizes, which he reminded me of. Happy pills from Vegas that he reminded me of. it was uh

and we were making it fucking happen we were making it happen but we weren't conscious for the experience and that's fucking not good that's not good we were not conscious

for the experience you know yeah and I was an uncle Vinnie's and we were all talking about people who stick with comedy you know and they have like a fucking like it's not good

you know at the end it's never fucking good you know and i made a statement and one of the comics said to me you made that statement it just wasn't and he was right he goes i said that if you're 45 years old and you're still a feature act you should start considering something else and he was like i don't agree with that i go you wouldn't but that's what i did that's what i did at 45 i had nothing going on Nothing. So what was 45? 45 was 40 would have been 2003. So 45 was 2008. I got married in 2009. Right off the fucking powder. After I was sober a year, I didn't make any decisions until I was sober a year. That's how cautious I was. I was very cautious. I took my time. I didn't go to meetings, but I read the big book. You know, I didn't. I was. I was. I read an addiction book from time to time. I knew I didn't want to go back. It took me six months to not be scared anymore of getting out.

Like it took me six months to go, whoo, okay, I don't think about it every day. Now let's get six months. And that was six months of sleeping. You know, you go to bed, you wake up, and your mind gets better. Little by little by little, you just get better and better and better. It took me a year to start making decisions. And that's the decision when I got married. and at the wedding I was like

I don't want to fucking do stand-up no more like I love doing it with Joe I'll go on the road with Joe and I'll fucking I was going to get a job selling cars at the Ford place around my house and I would have done anything I would audition because I was in LA

anyway I would audition but I quit fucking comedy I was pretty much done I was like yeah I'm hoping for Joe if he wants me to and then one day I got a call from Felicia we started doing podcasting and the podcasting lit to other things and here we are. But I wouldn't have released that statement if I didn't live it.

You know, when I was 45, I didn't see it. I didn't see myself. Yeah, I had some movies under my belt and I was a regular at the comedy store, but I didn't see that this was going to turn into anything special. And then through podcasting, it came back and I became the comic that I am today, but it's very weird that you have to really look at yourself when you're growing in this type of art thing because at 45, if you're still a comic

and you're still trying to hustle, and you're still a feature act and trying to hustle fucking spots, I don't know what's going on in your home life. But if you're a feature act, you probably got no fucking, you know, you're out there every week. So you may have a girlfriend, you may not have a girlfriend,

so it depends on what point of your life you are. But there's got to be a point in your life where you look and say, and say, this is either working or it's not working. You have to be very honest with yourself. When I decided to get out of comedy, it wasn't that it worked. It fucking worked. I was at the store.

I told you, I already had great movies under my belt. I had some great things I had done, but I was ready to move on. I didn't know that the podcasting would help open up another chapter, and I'm happy it did. But, guys, so much has happened. I didn't get high anymore. So if you get an eye, whatever, don't quit today. Quit on your fucking time.

But know that there's going to be a greener fucking pastor out there. Just know. I'm telling you this right now. Whether you're taking one pill a night, a couple of pain pills, you're smoking, you're smoking. If you fucking take a, just take a time off, there's a green pastor over there. And it's fucking waiting for you.

How do I know? Because it was waiting for me. I never thought I could ever get off a fucking drug. So weird. I was reading this article the day by my friend. What's her name? Tiffany Haddish. And she was talking about,

it was an article she did in some woman's magazine. And it was talking about what she did with the money from a girl's trip. She got $80 grand and she paid off a house. And people were like, what the fuck are you doing? And she goes, I want to pay it off. And then something else happened and she bought a house. And she started questioning. about generational wealth.

So she started, and this were people, you know, when you look at Tiffany Haddish, you don't think about this shit. But it all came down to Tiffany Haddish paying off that house because she never wanted to be homeless again. She never wanted to be homeless, you know. It's so funny how your mind just grips on to certain things. You know, I took such a beating in my first marriage.

I was such a loser, let's get it right, right. I was such a loser in my first marriage that for years I didn't want to look at it that I had lost. I thought marriage was just fucking bad. You know? So I was turned off to the idea. That's why when I did that thing with Ryan Sickler,

I spoke about that. That I was just dating women for a long time and it was getting me nowhere. And it was time to fucking latch on to something like that. I don't even know where I'm going with this. But what she was trying to say, Tiffany Haddish, is what I do with my life, you know. I got locked up.

and I should have got locked up another 10 times, you know, in my life. But I learned so much from getting locked up that I knew one thing. I never wanted to go there again. I never wanted to go there again. Like there was no way I was going there again. And I, yeah, I did some slip-ups and stuff. But I ended up in prison and I ended up on a fucking stage, you know. You know, I don't want to be homeless.

I don't want to be on drugs again. I mean, and it's so weird when you get off drugs, you always feel like, you could relapse any time. So I'm a little cautious about that, but I'm not. I was, oh, shit, Mike. Mike and I were talking about movies the other day, and we were talking about the crow. Mike loves the crow.

I fucking loved the crow. I loved the crow so much that I broke out in tears the other night when I was watching it. You watched it again? It was on. It was on from the beginning. I sat Mercy down,

and we watched the fucking crow, and, you know, all those guys. I forgot that I had met the guy that was a pawn shop owner. I did a movie with his ex-lover before he died. That guy's very, very gay, very nice guy. And when I met his gay lover, and he told me he was married to him, I said, ask him.

Do you know he did Miami Vice? And he's like, no, I didn't, because he was a young guy. Gideon. Gideon in the movie. And he goes, no, I didn't. I go ask him tonight when he played old Gato. He used to wear a cape and shit. That's when I knew he was gay.

When he wore a cape and he wore like little glasses and he played El Gato. And he came back to the guy next thing. He goes, oh, my God, I talked to my husband. He said that was the time of his life that he was just banging 18-year-old studs in Miami and all this shit. But I love that movie to Crow for reasons that nobody would understand, you know. It's just Bruce Lee sending a message to the world. Like that, for me, when I was watching it, dark and shit. In my drugged-up, disgusted Cuban mind, I'm like,

this is Bruce Lee sending a message with his son, whatever, but it didn't matter. There's a scene in that movie where the fucking guy who fucks his Japanese sister is snorting coat. And I'll never forget that he's having a conversation. He's gibberish. And he fucking puts a straw down. He does a line of coke. And I looked at that. And I'm like, right now people would think that I would get my car running by Coke.

Like that would make you, you know. That could be a trigger for some people. I'm like, bro, that's a trigger for me to stay off the shit. Like the opposite. Like when I see that shit now, it's like, wow. And guys, again, I fucking love cocaine. I used to put it on my dick. I would stick it in my asshole from time.

When I found that, you could put a Coke rock in your ass? No, I didn't do that. Yes, I fucking did. No wonder I shit crooked. The shaft is all off in my asshole. You think I'm fucking kidding you. Never mind the eyeball. Cocaine fucking ruin me.

And that's it for a fucking Monday morning, cock suckers. That's all you need today. We already fucked your world up. Had a great week last week, and it's going to be a good week this week. We're doing Wednesday, and then hopefully we can do Monday. But next week, I'm out of town for eight days, and then we come back for Labor Day. And after Labor Day, it's fucking full, fuck. fucking steam ahead straight to 2000 and motherfucking 23.

This is the time of the year. You know, one of my sponsors this week is Liquid IV and the other sponsor is Draft Kings, who I fucking love to death. They're great. I'm going to tell you something. This is the time of the year to get on with Draft Kings. I know it's the UFC this week. Usman, you're going to have a great time watching, great fights on that card.

But this is the time of the year where it's pro football, bitches. I couldn't believe I turned on the TV this week and I was football I'm like what the fucking this and they didn't have one game on yesterday they had like 20 games on when I was on that party Saturday night I was sitting there at a table

at this restaurant in the back room and I kept watching the Pittsburgh game I'm like I can't find that they kept switching it to Denver Dallas and I'm like holy shit and I looked at the fucking phone it's the 14th the 13th of the fucking August so but I just want to say one thing today

because I was talking talking on Tiffany Haddish on how you, when she said she didn't want to be homeless again, and that's what she took out of being homeless. That's why she bought a house. Today is the 36th anniversary of me getting sentenced to prison. So I want to send a shout out to myself for making it happen. The judge for throwing me in fucking jail, the cop and my man, Kent Vela for taking the kidnapping, a man that he is. In fact, I'm gonna call him tonight out of respect. I might even take the

conversation for you motherfuckers, just so you could hear me congratulate him to make it from that ropey afternoon that we had them all tied up in the rope and shit. But now, that's it and that's that. Today was 36 fucking days. I spoke to my brother yesterday, Georgie, and I go, Georgie, think about it. Today you were on your way to Colorado taking a flight there 36 fucking years ago. as a long fucking time ago but guess what motherfuckers that burns in my fucking heart every day and every time I think about that anniversary

my dick gets hard I did it I didn't cop out I didn't run away I didn't go to another country I did my time I fucking got out there and I became what I became whether it's good or bad

I'm still here slinging dick I love you motherfuckers with all my heart stay black and I'll see you cock suckers Wednesday and now for a word from my motherfucker fucking sponsors, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. Uncle Joey here again.

Thank you for listening on this beautiful Monday morning. Like I said, the join is brought to you by Draft Kings, the official sports betting partner of the UFC. This weekend, we got UFC 278. It's Usman against Edwards' rematch. I don't have any picks yet. I wait for the breakdowns. The way-ins.

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I want to thank Liquid Ivy. I want to thank Draft Kings. I want to thank you savages for making it happen. I'll be back Wednesday morning. Tip Top McGoo. Cuckuckers. Stay black. Uncle Joey got your back.