#189 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ
00:00This podcast is brought to you by Onit.Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements.If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house.What's happened, you bad motherfuckers?It's Monday, the 15th of August, 36 years since I got sentenced to the biggie, the pokey.Anyway, the joint is brought to you by Liquid IV.Listen, it's been really hot lately, and I've been staying.hydrated. You know how? With some liquid IV. You got to remember, one stick of liquid IV and 16 ounces of
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02:14That's liquid ivy.com code Joey.Taste that concord grape.It's going to make your highball pop out.The joint is also brought to you bymy favorite draft kings.Listen, this Saturday,UFC 278 has an action-packed card.Throw down and grab your epic victory with Draft King's Sportsbook,
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03:37and get ready for football seasonit's going to be big they've got a million dollarsin prizes they're giving awaylight that candle let's get this fucking podcast startedcuckuckerswhat's happened you bad motherfuckersit's Mondaythe 15th of the fucking month
04:51it's the halfway pointI hope everybody's doing wellIt was a great fucking weekendIt's been a great couple of weeksWe haven't had a chatA time to chit chat about what's been going onBut everything's fucking greatI'm happy you enjoyed the Eric Rocha podcast
05:08When we covered gay pride in JuneI know it was a month too lateBut fucking things happenedLee was greatIt was really really great to see LeeI'm happy you guys always get a kickOut of him coming on the podcastHe's a fucking different dude, man.
05:26He's a different dude.And you know what?We all are.I can sit here with Mike and go, I'm a different dude.You know what?We all are different.It's sitting next to him here.I mean, there's tons of love when he came down.
05:40We went to eat one night.We fucking, we just did silly shit.One night for dinner, we just went to Carvel.Like, we just went to Carvel.You know what I'm saying?No bridge.That's my favorite Carvel.They got a motherfucker.
05:52fucking drive-through. We didn't go through the drive-thru because, you know, but we sat outside and wejust watched the fucking people and we were like making bets on who's got diabetes and who'sgoing to get diabetes. It's funny when you stand in front of an ice cream joint or a candy joint or somethinglike that. I'm not making fun of people with diabetes, but Jesus Christ, you know, listen, I get myblood checked four times a year and I look for two things, cholesterol and my sugar. That's the more,I don't care about my testosterone. I knocked her up. Fuck it. It's done. I don't evenneed testosterone.And you can see my hair is thinning through the fucking,
06:26I don't even need the hair cuts no more.I'm at an age where my hair cuts itself.You know what I'm saying?You don't know how lucky you are.Like these motherfuckers tap out and shave their head.I can never shave my head because if you think I'm ugly now,fucking forget about it.Scars.
06:42God knows what's in my head.But it's so funny how I'm getting so old.I don't even need haircuts no more.The fucking hairdo is thinning out.My wife says to me,Do you want to do something about it?I go, what I want to do about?What do I do about it?
06:55The hair was here when I needed it.It's time to move on, you know what I'm saying?It's time to move on from the hair.I got a kid.I already got a wife.I had two wives.I slung some dick.You know, that's it.
07:05My hair served its fucking purpose.You know what I'm saying?You cover it a different way and it all works out.It tricks people.You know, people thought I had a lot of hair.But now I'm down to fucking nothing.And that's the way it is.I'm not sweating it.
07:20I had a friend.He's still my friend.We haven't spoken in like six years,but I guarantee he's still fucking hitting himself every day with a treatment.I remember when he was putting lemons on his bald head.I mean, this guy went through fucking hell with that.I used to tell him, you're a beautiful fucking dude.Who gives a fuck about hair?
07:38You need hair to get pussy.He's still not married, so I guess he was right.You know what I'm saying?Yeah, no, everybody got a fucking hair transplant.You know, everybody thought that's what it was,but it just those things don't keep.You know what I'm saying?That little squirrel's nest don't keep.
07:53But I don't want to talk about fucking people's hairdoes and wigs and shit like that.I was watching a movie the other night with one of the best movies I've ever seen.It's, uh, they've been playing it a lot.Like, uh, on Showtime, I think, the Cinnamax is called Nothing in Common.Fucking Jackie Leeson and Tom Hanks.Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks plays his son.And his mom is great.I forget who the actresses plays his mom.
08:18Hector Elizondo's in the movieand Hector plays his fucking bossand Hector has a wigand every time he sees Tom Hankshe goes, hey manhow's it look?Can you tell?You know, and all this shit
08:30and he's really insecure about his wigso there's one scene where he goes to check on Tom Hanksand fucking Tom Hanks,his mother's there with himand she's checking out the wig from the sideand Tom's trying to fucking get enough to check out the wigand all of something he walks away to mom goesthat's the worst fucking wig I've ever seen in my life
08:47my, don't say that to him.I don't even know how we got to this point about wigs.I just always felt uncomfortable about a guy who had to wear a wigbecause he felt uncomfortable.That's the weirdest fucking thing.Last night I went to a Saturday night.I went to a little bash, a birthday party.And on the way out, I was talking to a guy about knee surgeries, whatever,
09:07when we were waiting for the car to come.And he had a tremendous wig.He had the one that you just put over the whole thing.Like John, what's his name, Joe Pantleano?And fucking the Sopranos, when he pulled his hair out and the fucking hair, it was like the wig.It was like the hookah we mugged in fucking 82.We pulled the hair and the wig came on.But, uh, David Spade and Tommy Boy.
09:31Fuck.But, uh, yeah, it's been a great fucking week.I mean, Lee, he's back in Boston.You know, he went to Philly for a couple days, teamed up with Steams.D'Amone.They went over to Angelo's.A shout out to Angelo's.That fucking pizza is tremendous.
09:47The red puck.is fucking tremendous.They said they had some sandwiches and a bunch of shit.So he got the love from Philadelphia.And he's back in Boston.He was going to stop by yesterday.I was going to take him to the fucking pickled herringbecause he was going to stop by here on Sunday at about 11
10:04and then pick up a bunch of pastramiand some other Jewish delicacies.And then he was going to shoot up to his mother,eat Jewish food with her,and he's taken her.He took her to the Boston Red Sock game last nightin Fenway against the fucking Yankees.So, listen, man, he's happy.
10:19I wish him all luck in the world, and you heard it here first.I always fucking knew it.I knew he was going to get it together.The only fucked up thing he did here was he ate McDonald's one night, Burger King.I almost stabbed him.All that fucking weight and all that one.You eat Burger King, now you got to walk back to the moon and back.So a little liquid IV.
10:37I don't know what my canteen is.My wife took it.Oh, there it is, but it's fucking dirty.Yeah, we'll wash it later.So it's 16 ounces of water.It's just simple, guys.Just pop this motherfucker in here.I heard that real good.
10:50Woo.And sometimes I put a little fucking cell food in this motherfucker,a little oxygen.Ooh, Lordy.You eat some garlic pills and a little oxygen.What comes out of your ass is tremendous.You understand me?Too it later.
11:09Sorry about the squeeze, and I know I'll get some shit.But anyway, let's talk about some stand-up comedyand something that happened Thursday.I don't know if a lot of you guys don't know what happened Thursday.and I was one of my best shows ever, not me personally.Like, my materials sucked dick.But I tell you what was great about this show.This was the last I've done six shows and Uncle Vinnie's.
11:32And then I go all the other places.I drop in here, drop in there.I like Uncle Vinny's.It's small.I feel comfortable there.Lee and I both said it reminds you of Stage 2 in Pasadena.Fucking nice room.I mean, I don't even know when the ice house is opening up again.
11:49but I've seen pictures and it looks fucking beautiful.But this Uncle Vinny's has just been a...Listen guys, it's seats 150, 160.It's no glamour.You know, the food is fucking great, you know.I didn't know how to feel about it at first,but now I feel great about it.B-Y-O-B.
12:08That's the best fucking thing I've ever...You know, you bring what you fucking drink.People are there with coolers.It's just tremendous.I really enjoy the place.Dino is fucking aces.I'll perform there until I fucking dieI love the goddamn place
12:21but let me tell you what happened Wednesday nightI didn't tell you guys I told the Patreon peopleso Wednesday dayLee was hereAri cameAri was here for the daywe went over to the fuckingChinese place and he got
12:36his General Tau's chickenAri came Jimmy came allwe all hanging out talking shitwhen they leftwhen they left aroundTwo o'clock, Ari hung out.And I got a call from a buddy man in Vegas, Mario Arias.And he goes, hey man, I'm just giving you a heads up.
12:56Mr. LeVito is showing up to your show tonight.Mr. Lovito was our sixth grade teacher at McKinley School in North Bergen.Cool motherfucker.So I'm like, really?Mr. Lovito's coming.I spoke to Mr. Lovito when I first moved back here.Mario gave me his number.And we had a great conversation.
13:16and he lives close by.He lives a couple minutes from Point Pleasant.Or close to the LBI, I'm sorry.So I haven't seen Mr. Libido since 1982.So I'm up on stage.I had, you know, I put a couple things.I put a bit together.Believe it or not,
13:35I finally put like a little, little bit.There's a little run.There's like two little runs.One run is more for, like a family type show.I can't be doing that material about savagesbecause they'll go, Joy,we don't want to hear about your daughter.And then the other one is about what's going on in my life right now, you know.
13:54And I was about to go into it,but I knew Mr. Lovito was in the audience.So I'm like, you know what?I was about 10 minutes in a guy, I got to address this dude.I go, listen, before I go any further,I heard a rumor that my sixth grade teacher was coming tonight,Mr. Lovito.And I looked and he raised his hand.
14:15And the place fucking clap for him.The place went nuts.And then what I wanted to do is use them as a soundboard.You know, for years, people like Joey, these stories couldn't have happened.Some of my best stories happened in fucking McKinley.So many things happened.I remember a lot of them.Like, they had to remind me about a lot of this shit.
14:33After the show, we went to the green room.We were talking shit.But, you know, I thanked him because the story with Lovito,why he's so important in this whole thing.And he's in the book is because,in the sixth grade when I first got to,I lived in North Bergen's to 73,but I went to that Catholic school.
14:51I got thrown out,and then I went to McKinley.My first day at McKinley,my mother had a friend that was,his name was,fuck was his name,Pepe Goho.That means he's got like a bum leg,
15:04like he had like a little platform foot.Pepe Goho was a drug dealerthat was also doubling as a roofing company guyand one day the roof fell on him.In Miami,so he got a bunch of fucking dough from the settlementso he didn't want to sell Coke no moreor be a roofer
15:19so he started a fucking clothing line, right?Like in 1975 or some shit.And it was called Conti Valace,C-O-N-T with a slash Balachi,like the Valachi papers of Charles Bronson.So right away, my dick got hard,and my mother said,listen, he sent you some shirts.
15:36Put these shirts on.That really nice shirts wore him to school.I put one of the shirts onwithout really looking at it.And it was a fucking Greek orgy saint.Like my first day in sixth grade,I walked into school.school and I didn't know it to the kids like what is that is that her pussy I had like women with
15:51harry pussies eating like grapes and shit and I remember at the end of the day miss Lovito's like I likethis shirt I go you know I'm sorry I fucking wore it I didn't know what was on here and he's like okayjust don't worry it again because obviously you got the kids riled up but that was my relationshipmiss Lovito on the first day but he soon noticed he goes this motherfucker's too hyper so he cutme a deal because I'll tell you what I'm going to do and you've all heard this deal beforeBecause teachers have been doing it for years.They go, listen, if you behave all week, I'll let you go up on stage.I'll let you go up in the front of the class on Mondays, on Fridays, at 1 o'clock.
16:27Because we had a choice then.We could either be a part of the Ecology Club where you went to a park and picked up papers.Papa don't pick up no papers, even then in the sixth grade, right?Or you could sit in class or go to Catechism.I think I got thrown out of Catechism like two months inbecause one of the kids asked the fucking priest,how do they know the Bible shit was for real?Anybody could have wrote that.
16:55It's a Mickey Mouse book.Oh, my God.Get the fuck out the whole thing.So my option is now with the Ecology Clubor to sit with these fucking Jamokes in this class.But I figured the Jamokes that sat down with a lot of girls.It was more girls than guys.So one day, LeVito goes,
17:11go ahead, do what you need to do up there.You did well.So I brought a record player to school.Well, they had a record player.And I put on Frankie Val.And I would go up there every Fridayand sing My Eyes AdorgerIn the sixth grade, I thought I was a fucking crooner
17:24Right? Like I thought it was like SinatraBut I was too uglySo the girls wouldn't listen to me singI would walk over to them like what the fuckingMake Believe I had a microphoneAnd my eyes adorjiaAnd they go, go awayJust go away
17:38It was so embarrassingSo I figured my singing wasn't any goodSo I started cracking jokesAnd since the only fucking comic I really like was the sixth gradeWas Richard PryorI would basically go up there every Friday and do fucking the one hour I showed you.Is it something I said, bicentennial, whatever?I would bring all those.
17:58I would go down there and fucking do the thing verbatim.And he would just shake his head like you can't fucking do this shit, you know?But that's the story.Those are probably the inner roots to stand up for me.So I always thanked them.I always thanked them in little things.Whenever I talk to people, they said they speak to Levito,I would always go thank Mr. Levitio for putting me out.
18:18on stage, you know, so everything was going great.We just up there telling stories about how we were going to kill the gym teacher,you know, how fucking, and Mr. Lovito was loving this shit.He's like, afterwards like, Coco, you have a memory.He goes, I didn't remember half this shit, you know, telling stories about how we used torob shop, right, as a kid, and then go back and throw hubbubbub at each other.Who throws hubbub at each other?Nobody.
18:44But the highlight of the night, we were just getting into,Carmen Balsano and how he beat up Mr. Titora.I mean, this shit was all happening right in front of us in grammar school.We spoke about my friend Anthony Bousano when he died, how fucking sad it was,how his parents went on the news, Channel 4 News, before fucking Saturday Night Live.It was just a great time.But the highlight of the night, I go, Mr. Lovito, tell these motherfuckers what happenedwhen they put a hit of acid and Mr. Grasda's coffee.
19:16He used to have a thermos.like that fucking liquid IV thingand he would put it on his deskand all day drink coffee from itwhile he was talking to the studentsand teachingone of the kidstook his when he stepped out
19:29to get like I don't knowsupplies they took his coffeewas hot and they put a hit a blot of acidand after lunch this motherfuckerteacher didn't come backin fact they didn't come back like two dayshe couldn't have figured outwhat happened to him he told me the story
19:42afterwards so I godo you remember when they put an head of acidand Mr. Agrestis coffee and he goesyeahHe's right thereHe was at the showSo he's like I do remember thatAnd I go hey
19:54Mr. Gresta how you doing?I had already stuck my foot in my mouthI'm like heyMr. Grester how about how are you doingHe goes good CocoI go listen for the recordIt wasn't meBut I'm not a crime stop
20:10And the mysteryIt was Eddie LamencaEdelomacaEdelomaca was a crazy Cuban kidThat moved to Florida fastest shitThis guywas a born thief.He could run and he could jump fences.
20:20Tremendous.So afterward he came back and he goes,I can't believe they put an acid in my thing.He goes, I heard about it years later that it was acid.He goes, they could have killed me.But he also reminded me about something else.He goes, the last time I saw you, you came up to me and asked me if I could fix you upyou up with my niece, Patty Emerson.
20:39I'm like, holy shit.Patty Emerson was a girl that was a sweetheart, dear, just a dear friend.the mind and she was so sweet i liked her so much i'm like you know what i can't hit on this girlshe's just going to be my friend and then we started calling the patty nat because at partiespeople would see it and go you know what i want to take her from a date and then i'm like she'stoo sweet for you man but every guy would always go oh my god look how hot she is maybe i'll gotalk to patty and then they go nah so her name ended up being patty nae we would just call herPatty Nat because nobody was allowed to talk to her or to touch on.
21:19I told this on the church, it got so bad with Patty Nat that I remember when she went to herfirst year at college, she came to Joan Marries.She's like, listen, guys, you got to stop fucking protecting me.I can't get no guys to hit on me because they know that if somebody hits on me, you guys,because one of my friends pissed on a guy that was making out with her.So it was just fucking, she, I go, that's your fucking niece?And he's like, yeah, she's doing great.She lives in Long Island.
21:48I go, send them my love.I haven't seen her in fucking years.But guys, it was just great to see one of your school.It inspired me so much over the weekend I called like two other ones to my teachers.I'm like, listen, I'm doing a show in the city.And I like for you guys to come.I'll send a car for you on an Uber, whatever.I have one of my friends come pick you up.
22:08You know, I got Mr. Barone.Mr. Teranova's mad at me because last week he was down the showand he wanted for me to go see him,but we already had plans.He dropped it on me the day before,so I couldn't shoot.Oh, it was the day Lee was coming.So I was waiting on Lee to come.
22:23He was like, I'm having a party at 12.I'm like, dog, I don't know what time I can get over therebecause my friend's coming.I don't want to rush over to your houseand then him hit me in half fucking strideand I got to come back.So I ended up not going.I called him like Wednesday.
22:37He didn't pick up the phone.That means he's mad at me for a few days.It fucking happens.But the fact that,I tell you guys, I was a tyrant.I was a fucking nightmare and all this shit.And I still communicate with my fucking teachers.It just, it makes me proud.
22:56It really does, man.I felt so great after that show the other night.You know, and that's, I'd love to do a show like that.Just get one of my teachers, like, before the book, I was thinking about this.Getting like a teacher or an ex-coach or friends of mine that wouldn't mindbeing on camera or not camera wouldn't mind me bouncing off him like tell these motherfuckers about the timewe mug the dude in jersey city just anything i don't know i'm not saying i mug the dude in jerseycity i'm just saying you know it would be great to just confirm these stories do you know what
23:31i'm saying like just fucking have a good time because they're all 30 40 years ago nobody givesthe fuck you know nobody cares i can't believe i told the story on rogan about this girl lorry jackwhen we were growing up.When we were growing up, right?I just told the story on Rogue and maybe what?Five years ago, six years ago.The other day, one of my fucking high school buddies,who I talked to a lot, said to me,
24:02he called, we were talking about something.He goes, hey, man, you told me you did it,but I didn't believe you.And he goes, but I saw it the other day.He goes, do you know that the Lori Jack storyhas like 15 million downloads combinedbecause I think Joe Rogan has it, somebody else had,and then people copied it.
24:20He's got a couple of clip people.Yeah, I don't check on those things.I don't know what's out there.He's like, it's got like 15 minutes.He goes, have you ever heard from her?Has she ever said anything to you?And I go, I see her on Facebook all the time.She might not see you.
24:37Huh?No, no, no.We're friends on Facebook.She hit me up one day.You want to be friends?I'm like, ooh.That was a long time ago.And, you know,
24:46I mean, she's never said nothing, tell me.15 million, he told me.No, she's around.You know, I see a post on there.Who the fuck knows, man?I'm just trying to fucking have a good time here.You know, I'm just trying to...That's it.
25:05This is what I've been doing lately, man.I'm just...It's a different fucking world.And Lee helped me confirm that the other day.Lee really helped me confirm a lot of shit about me this week.on things I want to do, things I used to do, things I didn't want to do.You know, it's one thing I'm really happy about guys.It did get really out of control.
25:29It really did.It really fucking did.And, you know, you cannot eat 2,000 milligrams of ABX daily.There's going to be a fucking, you know, we pay for everything.I've said this for years.No matter what you're doing this life, you pay for it.It might not be today.and it might not be tomorrow, but somewhere along the line,
25:50it's going to pop up the fucking bite you in the ass.And not a bad way.Just it might affect your health,something you did years earlier, you know.And it's, I'm happy to be,I can't say I'm sober because I'm really not.I smoked before the show this morning.I smoked before I went to the gym, you know.
26:11But it's not even, I'm embarrassed to say this sometimes.It's not even.one thing I am doing is getting super high on weed.Like, I have to be honest with everybody.Like, I am getting so high on weed now.It's scary.Like, it's back to the point where I, if I smoke a joint, I'm going to sleep.After I eat a half a box of special K, some blueberries, some cantaloupes.
26:41This is what I do every fucking night.I mean, you know, I get so high in the daytime.that I'm okay and I'm happy.I hate the fucking say this,but I'm kind of happy to be this sober right now.Guys, I got to tell you, man,the last two years, you know,to see everything moving
27:03and for you to step to the backhas been,it's been a fucking great experiencebecause I didn't know.I had no fucking ideawhat was going on was going on.I really didn't.It was just, you know, people like, I can't believe you don't want to do this anymore.
27:20Do you understand where I just stepped out of it?It was just total anxiety.Like I tell you guys, a podcast was six hours.We didn't do an hour.We did an hour and a half, but we were there six fucking hours.So Mike would be getting here like Monday at 12.He wouldn't leave till six.What do you tell your wife?
27:40Yeah, that's what I was looking forward to.Yeah, like, everybody wanted to leave for six fucking hours when you're married.But I'm home.I'm home.I got no way.You know, I'm saying so.It just took so fucking much.But right now, what I'm looking at, lately, I've just been looking at this.
27:57And I tell my wife, once a fucking month, I tell my wife, I tell Mike, I tell Lee, I tellmy friends, I go, never mind the house.Never mind the book.Never mind losing weight.Never mind having a child.Never mind any of this shit.One of the things I wake up every morning and I fucking, dog, I do gratitude shit everyfucking morning. You know, I told my wife, I used to get up in the morning, get a couple
28:22coffee from the kitchen and go right in front of the computer. That is horrible for you.I'm telling you this right now, guys, it's fucking horrible for you. When you wake up in themorning, you know, throughout the night, you went into REM sleep or whatever, and you've processedit. It's not just your muscles and your heart. Everything gets a fucking charge of. You'll wake up at 3 in themorning to pee and you tap into a dream of what's your mind going while you're, you're going, whileyou're sleeping like sometimes you I wake up to pee and I'm thinking about the weirdest thoughtbecause there's probably what I was dreaming about before but your mental is dreaming like your mentalis resting everything is resting so when you wake up your brand fucking new again you're brand new
29:05again like whatever problems you had that were really affecting you you've broken them down now youthat's why people always say let me sleep on it let me fucking sleep on it okay so when youwake up in the fucking morning. If you wake uprefreshed and there's not, like with me,I never woke up refreshed. I'm not going to lie to you people.I woke up and as I was pissing, I'm stillfucking high from last night.You know, my heart's beating. I'm thinking
29:28about the gig. I don't want to fucking do tonightand then never mind that, I got to dosomething else and then tomorrow I got to get on a planat 4 30 in the morning. Guys,this is what you wake up with. Now you sit in front of thefucking computer and you open upTwitter or Facebook and it's likeyou know, it's just a fucking grind.
29:45You know, like it's just, oryou open up Yahoo or fuckingwhatever, CNN, andit just takes you for a fucking ride.And I didn't know how bad it wasaffected me. I remember I would get on the phone.I would get up at 7.And by 7.30, people were talking to me about
30:00business in New York, and I'm like,that's not good.I guess I did it for years.It works when you're fucking,you know, but somewherearound there, I like to get up now.Like, if I get up at 7.30,I grab a cup of coffee
30:17and I go right outsideI don't care if it's rainingI don't care if it's dirty belowI dress accordinglyand I go on my balconyunder that fucking umbrellaand I just sit thereand I do my gratitude checks
30:30I say them a littleyou know I speak them outso the universe could hear meI'm grateful for my houseI'm grateful for having friends like MikeI'm grateful to wake up this morningI'm grateful that my dick still worksI'm grateful that my hair is cutting itself
30:43I don't have to spend50 bucks every two fucking months.You know, you just do this gratitude thing, you know, andthe gratitude, the biggest gratitude I have is I don't get high anymore.That cocaine shit and the fucking Xanax shit that I was using for anxiety,that without knowing, it affects you, no matter what you take.I know for a fact when I had the knee surgery, those pain pills were fucking me up on a different level.I know for a fucking fact that I did not feel good.
31:13But what I've noticed lately is I could tell now for the first time in my fucking whole lifeBecause I don't look at that thing I don't look at thatBut for the first time I could tell when somebody's doing drugsYeah, somebody elseYeah, like I could tell now through their languageI had an idea I can't lie to you know even if I don't see themJust from what they're writingTheir topic what's on it's so stupid and I'm not judging nobody
31:40I'm not judging nobody I did drugs for 50%50 fucking years. Who am I going to judge?Really?Yeah. Who am I going tofucking judge? But what I'm trying to say to youis I could seehow it fucking affectsyou now. I have three people
31:58in my liferight now that I talk to from timeto time.And it's so weird that I finallyput together whythey're so weird to meon the phone. Because they'regetting high.
32:13And I don't understand that gibberish anymore.It's like comedy gibberish from L.A.When somebody from L.A.calls and they go, oh, my God, we miss you so much.It's like, listen, I got to go.My daughter's on the field.She's about the bat.You want to call me with gibberish that you miss me.
32:27Whatever the fuck they're telling you.But I can hear the drugs now.Guys, I never believe that.If you listen to every podcast I talked about,I said that all my failures over those years was on me.I never blamed nothing on drugs.I got to tell you something.for the fucking first time in my life
32:47I'm blaming shit on drugs that I didI can't believe thisI saw a fucking videosome fucking jerk off put it upfrom L.A.And there was a time in that videothat was when I was getting highand I saw that video
33:04and I listened to what I was sayingand it was fucking disturbing.It was very disturbingon what I was talking aboutin those days when I wasdoing coke. Now, every timeI think about a conversation, I fucking cringe.You ever think about a conversation
33:19you had like on the sixth grade with a girlwhen you went to hit on her and she's like,no, but I'm plattered or whatever the fuck they would sayto you as a nice way of sayingyou're a fucking loser?I still dread a conversation I hadwith this girl named De Bees Rodriguezin the sixth grade.
33:35It was the most awkward conversation.And I went up to her and I asked her fora date and she's like, oh my God,I'm in such shock, but I got to be honest to you.I don't see you that way, but I'm flat.I'll never forget the word flatteredbecause I had to go home and look it up.She's like, I'm flattered that you thought of me for this dance,
33:58but I already have somebody in mind.You know, I still remember those conversations.When I sit here and tell you guys thatI still remember my bombing and fucking New Orleans.Yeah.You remember all those things.I do.I definitely fucking do.
34:17When I think about the shit I was talking about,till four in the morning with people when you're doing coke.Oh, God, that's the worst gibberish in the fucking world.Anybody who's done Coke and has been with three people doing Coke at four in the morning,I love you.Oh, my God, I think the same.It's like when I watch boogie nights, I fucking love boogie nights.But when she's talking to Markey Warburg and the other chick,
34:39and they're saying, I love you, I love you, you're my mom.I'm not going to say I didn't use that terminology.I was the king of that lingo.I snorted a lot of coke.That's why I have to why I could snort coke.nobody. I'm like, I don't want to smoke with nobody because they got to hear my lingo and I gotto hear what's coming out of that fucking spout. Not today. The last four years, five years I didCoke. I was solo, Jack. That's more reasons. Listen, I went to the fucking breathing doctor Friday,
35:07okay? And they did an evaluation and then they send you the report. And then she called me and shegoes, I'll tell you why you've been getting dizzy in your car. I'll tell you, bro, she broke it downfor me last week this bitch i forgot to bring this up to you guys she's like i don't know if youthey did everything guys they test my lungs i was there for three fucking hours last week theytested lungs capacity holding your breath under war i mean guys they did everything then theydrive me up and they gave me a neural exam and the lady's like listen your ears it is it's theyears of a 60 year old you know whether you ruin them in concerts or whatever thefuck you're blaming it on that's great but she goes I'm gonna talk to you about something
35:53she goes your ear everything that is wrong with you it's because of your left fucking eyeshe goes I don't know what happened to your left eye I mean you ever see my lefteye goes that way as from doing too much coke on the left side like you do one too manybumps on the left side because I swear to God my right nose used to be the money nose rightwhen you first start doing coke it's the right side you do oh that's not bad I likethe drip when you do the fuckingbut then the nose on this sideyou know I started in this nose on like 79
36:25so but at time 87came you know I wasbreaking down to this left sidedog I know the nights when I woulddo a line and I would feel my eye justgo and go that way and then I'd haveto fucking hit it and itfocused back in on the mirror and I go I'm not telling nobody
36:41about this shem I'm telling you peoplenow because it was 20 years ago I care about myeyes 20 years ago but I wouldfucking snort coketoys I would do so muchfucking coke that I could feel my eyelike fucking trembling whatever the fuckit was now when I was a kid I knew my eyes
36:56weren't goofy because I had 20-20 fucking visionso she said what happened did you havea traumatic experience what happened I gothit in the head with a kilo of cokethat's all I can fucking think ofyou know I got hitting the head with a kilo of cokeand now my fucking left thigh goes this wayso oh my God
37:11so now they're gonna sendthey sent me fucking guysthree emails of exercises I got to doI just finished the first bats this morning.Not jumping jacks and sit-ups.I got to breathe into a bag for 90 minutes, 90 seconds a day, five times a day.I got to get a fucking stick and do all this shit, and then they're going to do all this stuff.Now I got to go back next Friday.
37:35And if I don't do the exercise, if she doesn't see that it's improved a little bit,you can't do nothing with me.She's got to send me for fucking really, really, really detailed professional help.The good thing was I don't have any concussions, nothing like that.There's nothing going on.No beginnings of dementia.The bad thing is I got to fix this left eyebecause that's what happens when I drive.
37:55It's fucking hilarious.That when you drive, you focus,and then she was telling me,she goes, your two eyes start that way.Let's say Subaru headlights.Anybody have Subaru or Subaru?The headlights go where they adjust.So let's say you're going down a fucking cave
38:10and there's something over here.The headlight will switch on Subaru.I don't know if you got, I forget what it's called.I'm very sorry.go to suprudu.com and get the fucking details i don't knowbut you're sitting there and and you look up this way and the lights will change so i thinkthat's what that's what she said happens to my eye that after a while of focusingif i hit too many turns or something like that she goes you're not getting carsick your eyes
38:35are making your brain and your ears all fucked up so sorry guys i just oh i need i needthree fucking different pair of glasses i can'tget the, she already contactedthe fucking people atnot Costco, somewhere else, Walmart.I don't know, she goes, that's the way the best placeto get glasses. They hit mewith regular glasses, reading
38:59glasses, driving glasses,and nighttime glassesbecause of the left fucking eye.And they're thinking they're giving me one of those darker shades.You're like, when you, we ever see thosedudes that come up with the clear on the rightand they got a little clearer on the left?I've never seen that.
39:17Guys,All you could do is fucking laugh about this shit.This is what happens when you get old.But this is what I'm talking about, guys.I always knew there was going to be a problem with cocaine.There's no way you're going to get hit in the head with two kilos of cokeand fucking bounce around your life without no.You know, I look at Ozzy Osbourne.
39:34He's a prime example.I look at Ozzy.These guys were deep cocaine heads.So I look at Ozzy and I see what faults he's had and he's had millions of fucking dollarsso he could get everything.He's got wrong with him fixed, you know.But I was always concerned about this shitAnd here we go
39:51The fucking IThe eyeThe eye was the first victimOf the CokeBlizzard of OzOf 19 fucking 80With Uncle JoeyAnd it happens guys
40:01But it's just so weird howThinking back to thisLike I don'tI'm so happy thatYeahI'm sure I get a littlefucking backlashFrom the drugs from here to there
40:14I have bad daysLately I've been findingand myself saying shit that I don't want to say.Like you would like say something,you're like, what did that come from?So I'm getting like that Pete Rose type thing.Like Pete Rose, you know, fucking says some crazy shit.Yeah, but at least I know.
40:30I know and I can take care of itand at least I could fucking get some help for itor whatever the fuck it is.I mean, I'm not saying crazy shit,but I do, I'm a little louder than I was before.I say some crazier shit in Marlboro,which these are nice white peoplethat don't deserve me fucking saying craziness around them.
40:47Manalapan, all these people are very fucking nice down here.But I'll tell you, man, the people that I have in my life that are on drugshas been very interesting because I couldn't figure out what's going on.Like with our friendship, like I'm like, what the fuck is going on?And all of a sudden, to be honest, I got this fucking disturbing text here that day.Just disturbing from a dear friend of mine.You know, they try to tell you they're not getting high, but they're getting fucking high.and it's really delusional.
41:22We haven't spoken in a while.So he reached out just to tell me that, you know, he, uh,he's doing better or whatever.But in the whole thing, I knew he had to throw something at me,and I've known this dude for a long time.He threw something at me, like, from high school.Oh, my God damn.Like, you did something to me.
41:43And this is the second time he's mentioned in the year.You know, and I sent him some money on PayPal.It's just, I feel bad.I just hope that I can still, I know he's getting high,and I know you're going to enjoy, why just send him money?Listen, he's my age.He's struggling.I'm not enabling him.
42:09I'm just, I don't know.You know, it's just, but guys, I'm just really happy.I don't do coke.And it's so weird right now, if you're getting high and anything,listen, I'm not here to fucking tell you not to get high,because nobody was going to tell me when I was 40, not to get high.nobody was going to tell me when I was 30 not to get highand I'll tell you what if you told me when I was 20 not to get high
42:32I'd probably fucking hit you with the car or something like thatI'm not gonna lie to you know but guys think about it for your uncle Joeyman those drugs are fucked up and it took me all this time to say itwhether it's cocaine the fucking pills the fucking you know the pain pills all thatshit it affects you it fucking affects you man there's no way I did everything thelast 15 years that I couldn't do for 44 fucking years.You know, it's August, September, we're three months away from me in 15 years notdoing coke.
43:11And I could write, it'll take me three pages to write the good things I did since in the last15 years.In the first, before all those years are being coked up, I don't remember 15 things I did thatwere good.I don't remember 10 things I did.That was good.The only thing I remember is maybe getting on stage.When I came out of that cocaine,
43:34I told you guys that I couldn't get on stage for a fucking year,you know, a year and a half.Well, that's probably what it was.You know, is that, it just puts a damper on your life, man.And I'm here to tell you.I mean, guys, I had a great time.I fucking had a great time doing drugs.If you come to me again and go,
43:53I'm going to make you 20 again.Would you do the drugs?I say, yeah, until 30.let's cut it by 10 yearslet's just do drugsso I was 30and then you could smoke potor have your little cocktails
44:03or whatever the fuck you doto make you feel betterbut everything else guysand I see what's going on nowlike listen when I was 20and 25 and 30I'm not saying I wasn't lurking in dangeryou could do a line of coke and die
44:17it's happenedyou knowyou could do alisten you could get in a fucking carand hit somebody with the carafter you drinkIt's happened, you know.But I sit here now and I'm like, I did so many fucking things in 15 years without the Coke.
44:36And guys, it hasn't been a smooth journey.We had those edibles.You know, we had fucking refa.It was, you know, we discussed it last Wednesday on the podcast, Lee and I.It was nonstop.You know, cat tranquilizes, which he reminded me of.Happy pills from Vegas that he reminded me of.it was uh
44:57and we were making itfucking happenwe were making it happenbut we weren't consciousfor the experienceand that's fucking not goodthat's not goodwe were not conscious
45:11for the experienceyou knowyeah and I was an uncle Vinnie'sand we were all talking aboutpeople who stick with comedyyou know and theyhave like a fuckinglike it's not good
45:25you know at the end it's never fucking good you know and i made a statement and one of the comics said to meyou made that statement it just wasn't and he was right he goes i said that if you're 45 years oldand you're still a feature act you should start considering something else and he was like i don'tagree with that i go you wouldn't but that's what i did that's what i did at 45 i had nothing going onNothing. So what was 45? 45 was 40 would have been 2003. So 45 was 2008. I got married in 2009. Right off the fucking powder. After I was sober a year, I didn't make any decisions until I was sober a year. That's how cautious I was. I was very cautious. I took my time. I didn't go to meetings, but I read the big book. You know, I didn't. I was. I was.I read an addiction book from time to time.I knew I didn't want to go back.It took me six months to not be scared anymore of getting out.
46:34Like it took me six months to go, whoo, okay, I don't think about it every day.Now let's get six months.And that was six months of sleeping.You know, you go to bed, you wake up, and your mind gets better.Little by little by little, you just get better and better and better.It took me a year to start making decisions.And that's the decision when I got married.and at the wedding I was like
46:57I don't want to fucking do stand-up no morelike I love doing it with JoeI'll go on the road with Joeand I'll fuckingI was going to get a job selling carsat the Ford place around my houseand I would have done anythingI would audition because I was in LA
47:15anyway I would auditionbut I quit fucking comedyI was pretty much doneI was like yeah I'm hoping for Joeif he wants me toand then one day I got a call from Feliciawe started doing podcasting and the podcasting lit to other things and here we are.But I wouldn't have released that statement if I didn't live it.
47:32You know, when I was 45, I didn't see it.I didn't see myself.Yeah, I had some movies under my belt and I was a regular at the comedy store,but I didn't see that this was going to turn into anything special.And then through podcasting, it came back and I became the comic that I am today,but it's very weird that you have to really look at yourselfwhen you're growing in this type of art thingbecause at 45, if you're still a comic
47:59and you're still trying to hustle,and you're still a feature actand trying to hustle fucking spots,I don't know what's going on in your home life.But if you're a feature act,you probably got no fucking, you know, you're out there every week.So you may have a girlfriend,you may not have a girlfriend,
48:13so it depends on what point of your life you are.But there's got to be a point in your lifewhere you look and say,and say, this is either working or it's not working.You have to be very honest with yourself.When I decided to get out of comedy, it wasn't that it worked.It fucking worked.I was at the store.
48:31I told you, I already had great movies under my belt.I had some great things I had done, but I was ready to move on.I didn't know that the podcasting would help open up another chapter,and I'm happy it did.But, guys, so much has happened.I didn't get high anymore.So if you get an eye, whatever, don't quit today.Quit on your fucking time.
48:52But know that there's going to be a greener fucking pastor out there.Just know.I'm telling you this right now.Whether you're taking one pill a night, a couple of pain pills,you're smoking, you're smoking.If you fucking take a, just take a time off,there's a green pastor over there.And it's fucking waiting for you.
49:10How do I know?Because it was waiting for me.I never thought I could ever get off a fucking drug.So weird.I was reading this article the day by my friend.What's her name?Tiffany Haddish.And she was talking about,
49:26it was an article she did in some woman's magazine.And it was talking about what she did with the money from a girl's trip.She got $80 grand and she paid off a house.And people were like, what the fuck are you doing?And she goes, I want to pay it off.And then something else happened and she bought a house.And she started questioning.about generational wealth.
49:48So she started, and this were people, you know,when you look at Tiffany Haddish,you don't think about this shit.But it all came down to Tiffany Haddishpaying off that house because she never wanted to be homeless again.She never wanted to be homeless, you know.It's so funny how your mind just grips on to certain things.You know, I took such a beating in my first marriage.
50:11I was such a loser, let's get it right, right.I was such a loser in my first marriagethat for years I didn't want to look at itthat I had lost.I thought marriage was just fucking bad.You know?So I was turned off to the idea.That's why when I did that thing with Ryan Sickler,
50:27I spoke about that.That I was just dating women for a long timeand it was getting me nowhere.And it was time to fucking latch on to something like that.I don't even know where I'm going with this.But what she was trying to say, Tiffany Haddish,is what I do with my life, you know.I got locked up.
50:44and I should have got locked up another 10 times, you know, in my life.But I learned so much from getting locked up that I knew one thing.I never wanted to go there again.I never wanted to go there again.Like there was no way I was going there again.And I, yeah, I did some slip-ups and stuff.But I ended up in prison and I ended up on a fucking stage, you know.You know, I don't want to be homeless.
51:08I don't want to be on drugs again.I mean, and it's so weird when you get off drugs, you always feel like,you could relapse any time.So I'm a little cautious about that, but I'm not.I was, oh, shit, Mike.Mike and I were talking about movies the other day,and we were talking about the crow.Mike loves the crow.
51:28I fucking loved the crow.I loved the crow so muchthat I broke out in tears the other nightwhen I was watching it.You watched it again?It was on.It was on from the beginning.I sat Mercy down,
51:38and we watched the fucking crow,and, you know, all those guys.I forgot that I had met the guythat was a pawn shop owner.I did a movie with his ex-lover before he died.That guy's very, very gay, very nice guy.And when I met his gay lover, and he told me he was married to him,I said, ask him.
51:59Do you know he did Miami Vice?And he's like, no, I didn't, because he was a young guy.Gideon.Gideon in the movie.And he goes, no, I didn't.I go ask him tonight when he played old Gato.He used to wear a cape and shit.That's when I knew he was gay.
52:14When he wore a cape and he wore like little glasses and he played El Gato.And he came back to the guy next thing.He goes, oh, my God, I talked to my husband.He said that was the time of his life that he was just banging 18-year-old studs in Miami and all this shit.But I love that movie to Crow for reasons that nobody would understand, you know.It's just Bruce Lee sending a message to the world.Like that, for me, when I was watching it, dark and shit.In my drugged-up, disgusted Cuban mind, I'm like,
52:48this is Bruce Lee sending a message with his son, whatever, but it didn't matter.There's a scene in that movie where the fucking guy who fucks his Japanese sister is snorting coat.And I'll never forget that he's having a conversation.He's gibberish.And he fucking puts a straw down.He does a line of coke.And I looked at that.And I'm like, right now people would think that I would get my car running by Coke.
53:12Like that would make you, you know.That could be a trigger for some people.I'm like, bro, that's a trigger for me to stay off the shit.Like the opposite.Like when I see that shit now, it's like, wow.And guys, again, I fucking love cocaine.I used to put it on my dick.I would stick it in my asshole from time.
53:32When I found that, you could put a Coke rock in your ass?No, I didn't do that.Yes, I fucking did.No wonder I shit crooked.The shaft is all off in my asshole.You think I'm fucking kidding you.Never mind the eyeball.Cocaine fucking ruin me.
53:49And that's it for a fucking Monday morning, cock suckers.That's all you need today.We already fucked your world up.Had a great week last week, and it's going to be a good week this week.We're doing Wednesday, and then hopefully we can do Monday.But next week, I'm out of town for eight days, and then we come back for Labor Day.And after Labor Day, it's fucking full, fuck.fucking steam ahead straight to 2000 and motherfucking 23.
54:17This is the time of the year.You know, one of my sponsors this week is Liquid IV and the other sponsor is Draft Kings,who I fucking love to death.They're great.I'm going to tell you something.This is the time of the year to get on with Draft Kings.I know it's the UFC this week.Usman, you're going to have a great time watching, great fights on that card.
54:37But this is the time of the year where it's pro football, bitches.I couldn't believe I turned on the TV this weekand I was footballI'm like what the fucking thisand they didn't have one game on yesterdaythey had like 20 games onwhen I was on that party Saturday nightI was sitting there at a table
54:52at this restaurant in the back roomand I kept watching the Pittsburgh gameI'm like I can't find that they kept switching itto Denver Dallas and I'm like holy shitand I looked at the fucking phoneit's the 14th the 13th of the fucking Augustso butI just want to say one thing today
55:09because I was talking talkingon Tiffany Haddish on how you, when she said she didn't want to be homeless again,and that's what she took out of being homeless.That's why she bought a house.Today is the 36th anniversary of me getting sentenced to prison.So I want to send a shout out to myself for making it happen.The judge for throwing me in fucking jail, the cop and my man, Kent Vela for taking the kidnapping,a man that he is. In fact, I'm gonna call him tonight out of respect. I might even take the
55:47conversation for you motherfuckers, just so you could hear me congratulate him to make it from thatropey afternoon that we had them all tied up in the rope and shit. But now, that's it and that's that.Today was 36 fucking days. I spoke to my brother yesterday, Georgie, and I go, Georgie, think about it.Today you were on your way to Colorado taking a flight there 36 fucking years ago.as a long fucking time agobut guess what motherfuckersthat burns in my fucking heartevery day and every time I think about that anniversary
56:16my dick gets hardI did it I didn't cop outI didn't run awayI didn't go to another countryI did my timeI fucking got out thereand I became what I becamewhether it's good or bad
56:28I'm still here slinging dickI love you motherfuckers with all my heartstay black and I'll see you cock suckersWednesdayand now for a word from my motherfuckerfucking sponsors, Jack.All right, you bad motherfuckers.Uncle Joey here again.
56:43Thank you for listening on this beautiful Monday morning.Like I said, the join is brought to you by Draft Kings,the official sports betting partner of the UFC.This weekend, we got UFC 278.It's Usman against Edwards' rematch.I don't have any picks yet.I wait for the breakdowns.The way-ins.
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58:09Minimum age and eligibility restrictions apply.See my show notes for details.All right?Besides that, just download the Draft King's Sportsbook appand let's make some fucking money.And if you really want to make some moneyand test your football knowledge,download the Draft King's fantasy app.
58:26Oh shit.And they got M.MA on there, dude.Let's do it, cock suckers.The joiner is also brought to you by.Liquid IV.Listen, when it comes to heat,And you fucking staying hydrated, liquid IV, that's their fucking priority.Making hydration a priority makes us feel healthier in our everyday lives, all right?
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01:00:07I want to thank Liquid Ivy.I want to thank Draft Kings.I want to thank you savages for making it happen.I'll be back Wednesday morning.Tip Top McGoo.Cuckuckers.Stay black.Uncle Joey got your back.
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