The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #191 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, August 29th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by Better Help, DraftKings & Stamps.com… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. STAMPS.COM Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial. BETTER HELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month.  Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #Stamps #BetterHelp The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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I was at the fucking out of banks with the family and five other families, 20-something people in a fucking house. It was tremendous, believe it. I haven't done anything like this. I don't think I ever did anything like that. I mean, my family growing up with other people. But anyway, the Outer Banks was beautiful.

Shout out to Doug's donuts. A bunch of fucking places down there. I mean, Jesus Christ, they were tremendous. I only had two fucking donuts. You know me, I'm paranoid of fucking diabetes and shit. I had one donut one day early in the morning after my workout. And one morning and one donut the other morning. And it was, I did not have the maple glaze with bacon.

I got to work myself up for that shit. You know what I'm saying? Everybody kept saying, when I put the picture up on Instagram, it was really weird. The lady at the place said, you got to try the bacon with maple nut, whatever the fuck syrup, maple syrup. And it sounded good, but fucking bacon and fucking whatever. Sweet. Yeah. Sweet.

That'll send me into another fucking dimension. So I was like, I'm not ready for it yet, but it was beautiful. the fucking donuts are great. I did a lot of crazy shit down there. I was on antibiotics, for starters. So the first couple days, I swolled up from the fucking salt and the water and not having my chair with my feet go up and shit.

But then I didn't lift the fucking weight. I didn't touch a fucking weight all week. I just swam every morning. I would get up. I had a nice little system down there, guys. I was telling Mike how much I missed the outdoors. Guys, Colorado was made for a chubby fucking spick like me. I don't know if I could describe it any better.

That state had everything that soothed my nerves. I mean, not from my stories of what I was doing up there. But even Boulder, guys, I forgot to mention to you guys, before I left Boulder, the last year before I left Boulder, I had weights at the house, like a bench. The bench was my dinner table, my weightlifting bench. It was a fucking where I wrote jokes. That bench, I wish I could still have that bench today.

It was a one and all purpose type of fucking thing. I used to lift a lot in Colorado and swim and all that shit. But the one thing I loved when I lived in North Boulder was just smoking a fucking bong or two and then rolling a fucking joint and walking up a hill. Just walk up a fucking hill. Guys, yeah, you're a little scared. You got the mountain lions one time. I didn't see a bear, but I heard that mother.

fuck it sounds like a little bit of an earthquake on the floor and shit you see trees moving weird i got the fuck out of there but that was part of who i was so when i went down to you know i moved to fucking seattle it rains we could walk in that shit all day and then los angeles is a fucking concrete jungle you know and they got places to walk on losan parks and shit but i don't know i was so into my career i forgot all about that and then i got to jersey two years ago and eat when I first got here For me just to get out of my head I would go to like a fucking softball field

There's a little league field About a mile from here And then there's another field like football But I would go behind Like when my daughter practice is softball If you walk behind They got a path And there's times I just

While they're back there I want to get away from the mosquitoes I take my little nature walk dog And it does wonders for you It really does Like even now when I wake up in the morning I do not. I'll tell you the biggest mistake I was making.

I don't know how it is for you guys. But the biggest fucking mistake you can make today. I'm going to tell you what it is, besides drinking a Coke for breakfast or smoking a fucking cigarette. If you start the day, if you get out of bed, and you walk right to the fucking computer, you lost. You lost. And guys, I did it for fucking years where I would,

You know, you get up and you go right to the computer room with your fucking phone and your fucking cup of coffee. And I'm waking up and before I could even process what happened yesterday or process what I'm doing today, you're getting bombarded. But, you know, Trump called her a fat fuck. You know, back then when I would wake up in the morning, every day was something about Trump. He called this chick a fucking pig. Whatever the fuck he was. And it wasn't just Trump. I'm not talking about Trump.

I'm just talking about all the negative. And I hate saying that word, the negativity, but all the shit that's got nothing to do with you at 6 o'clock in the morning. I don't know what it was. I think that that was a trigger for my just getting into the shower and going, what the fuck? You know, this is happening. This is happening. Kobe, you know. So now when I wake up in the motherfucking morning for the last two and a half years, I don't even go to that fucking, that area.

I get my cup of coffee, and I go and I sit in a chair. We all have a fucking chair. If you don't have a chair, get a fucking milk crate. It worked for me for years, okay? Go to 7-Eleven at night. They got the milk crates out there, steal them. I got 10 of these fucking crates. That's how I do them.

One a week, you steal some fucking milk crates. I don't care if you got to put one on top of the other. They got those long ones. Like the ones I have the album on, then the regular milk ones. I don't like these. But they got those fucking big ones. I used to sit on one of those. Just sit outside.

I don't give a fuck if it's 10. Even last winter, I went outside every morning. Every fucking morning. In the snow, you build a little trench for yourself, like a little igloo fucking spot, and drink that coffee or drink your protein drink. I don't know what the fuck you drink in the morning. You're fucking soy latte.

And just look at the clouds. Look at the sky and process what happened last night. Process what happened yesterday and process what needs to be done today. I got to tell you something it's a fucking game changer if you wake up in the morning you go right on Instagram and Twitter

and this chick's showing a pussy you got this chick sucking a cock you got fucking this guy talking about who hates Joe Rogan what the fuck Aaron whatever said on there about that you're gonna die your mind cannot handle

and that's what's going on right now there is so much fucking information thrown at you that you can't fucking process it you know and I learned I learned this, guys, I was dying in fucking anxiety for five fucking years, medication, breathing. I didn't know what it was. And I got to be honest with you, now thinking about it, yes, it was the move and the whole thing.

But it was one, I was sick and tired of just doing comedy. I was fucking sick and tired of it. Like, just, I was at the point where I just couldn't take it no more guys. The plane rides, the bullshit, the fucking agents, it got old. But besides that, it was all the information that was getting thrown. I mean, I think right now, All these people that have mental health problems, including myself, that things aren't still the same a little right for you since the pandemic started or whatever the fuck is going on. It's because of all the fucking information we got thrown at us.

If you look at people, they're going fucking crazy. People are going fucking nuts, guys. I don't know where the fuck you live and you're peaceful abode. But people are fucking going off. I went to the gym this morning. I'm on the bike. They have the news on, right? The local Jersey fucking news

There was two people shot in Tom's River Which is 25 minutes from me You know There's stealing cars And Newark left and right I mean it's just So And you start thinking about shit

That you don't need to be there In the mornings They think about like If you have a fucking nice car And you live in this area Whatever freehold What they're doing is These car thieves get the fucking cars

At night when you're sleeping They go through your key foie Even if you have your key fob in the fucking house now. They could steer your fucking car. Look at it. Jimmy's neighbor. They got ways to steer your cars now that,

you know, we did all this fucking technology with the key fob. They're telling you to take it out of a fucking car. Don't leave it. How about this one? You can't leave a defab by your door, whatever the fuck they're called.

Because people can zone something to some electronic. Listen, I'm not a fucking genius. I'm just telling you what people say to me and I process and go, okay, I won't leave my key fob by the fucking door. Okay, I got it. But it's people going off, and I think part of it is everything that gets thrown at you all day. You know, if you go right to fucking Yahoo or CNN News or whatever the fuck it is, you know, I don't know who's right.

I don't know who's left. I don't really give a fuck. But you got this, uh, what the fuck. You got this, uh, you got this, uh, you got this, uh, you got this, uh, uh, you got this, uh, shit, you know, it's constant, guys. So what I'm trying to say to you is, you don't need that early in the morning. And it's helped me a hundred and fifty fucking percent.

You know what my problem was? My problem was that I was always in a rush in my mind. I got to go. I got to finish this and go. Where the fuck are you going? Where the fuck are you going? Guys, I would wake up at four in the morning to pee. Honest to God, I'm being honest with you.

because I, you know, I would get up at 400 more than to be and run over to Twitter and check your shit. Like something was going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. What's going to happen? Joe's going to put a picture up of his fucking bicycle. I lifted today, you know, whatever, fucking walk 30 minutes,

whatever on the treadmill yesterday, put it up. I'm in a car sitting there for eight hours driving back from North Carolina. And he puts a thing up, get a fancy fucking treadmill. Like everybody's got a fucking treadmill. treadmill. So it's just, you know, I give it the time that's needed. I go out there. First thing, when I got my cup of coffee, I don't like people talking around me.

I don't want to hear about, like, in this house this last week, there were maybe two mornings that people came up. Biden, I go right outside. I go right outside. You know, I'm not into that. I don't want to hear that shit at all. forgave student loans. He didn't forgive mine. I already paid it.

Who's the asshole here? So, you know, you go outside, guys, you say thank you. God forgive me another fucking day.

How can I be a little better than I was yesterday? And then I give my gratitude for the day and my five things I'm grateful for. And you know what? I say them out loud. If you're driving by

and you think I'm crazy, I don't give a fuck. Okay, I'm grateful for my life. I'm grateful for fucking my family. Whatever the fuck you're grateful for. I'm grateful for what I have. and most importantly, what I don't fucking have. How's that one for you, cocksuckers?

You know, for everybody who thinks you need a Lamborghini in your life, you don't need dick, okay? Oh, I would love to live in a million-dollar home, a $10 million home. Yeah, it's a million dollars a year and upkeep. Are you going to fucking do that? You're going to win the lottery every year, cock-suckers? No, you're not.

So keep making those donuts. Whatever it takes. I mean, I'm not going to sit out there for two hours, like a bumpy. I got shit to do in the morning. but however long the process takes sometimes I set out there for 20 minutes and my wife comes and we discuss 10 minutes of the week

of the day what's going on then she goes her way and I come down and start my day with the computer emails whatever and then from there you go to a fucking gym whatever your fucking day is but what I'm saying is I just don't fucking jump

on the fucking computer for breakfast no more it's no bueno anyway I'll tell you motherfuckers what happened last week because you know how it is guys You sit here for eight fucking months. Nobody calls you, right? Nobody fucking calls you.

Not one person. Hey, Joe, I got a job for you. I have an agent in New York. I got two agents. You know me. I'm always running with a guy on the side. I got a guy. But this guy's who bots.

Eight months, not one fucking audition. I love him. Great guy. But, you know, so now what? Anyway. So I got my little gay brother. I've had him. He got me Spider-Man too.

So think about how long I've known Dave for. Dave is my brother and I have. Dave moved to New York. He's my little gay brother, and he just books theater, which I don't give a fuck. But I told him, Dave, can you help me out? He goes, if I see something, I'll submit you for it. So, guys, I swear to God, I get in the car,

maybe Friday afternoon we got the fuck out of here. We got a hotel halfway. We didn't want to do the whole night sleeping. We don't know if we get car sick. I might get car sick. My daughter might get car sick. So me and one of the other families said, Let's pull over with that four and a half hour mark.

That'll give us plenty of time. We'll get some dinner. Got some fucking tremendous Mexican food. I don't know what's going on in North Carolina. But there's more fucking Mexican restaurants in North Carolina and what they're on California, Jack. I don't know if they tell these Mexicans to move to North Carolina. It's the smartest fucking move in the world.

So they don't go have to have hand-to-hand combat with other fucking families. But I'll tell you something. I stopped at a Mexican place. from the outside I gave it a two I give it go to a place and I don't even know I'm going in there I already see shit and blood coming out of my fucking asshole

you know me and my wife the other family went in there first off they had to put tables together for us they had like three different tables the last table was a circular one this one was like a poker card

table and this one was a nice dinner table they had maybe six tables in the place El Coyanco. I don't fucking know. I think it was in Virginia. We go in there. The family's in there. They got bulletproof glass.

I don't know why. Like you could order food to go. They have like glass there. And then they had a little dining room area, maybe five table. I sat down. I'm like, I'm going to be a little careful in here. I'm not even going to touch the tables. Like I said, they had to put three tables together.

I think it was three. It was like seven. they had to put three tables together. All tables were all fucking different, right? So I'm not feeling confident about this fucking place. They never even had time to go get tables. You know what I'm saying? When they open the restaurant.

So she comes over, they bring chips and salsa. Chips of money, her salsa's fucking even better. Okay. Then it comes time to order, and I ordered, I wanted to be safe. So I ordered chicken enchiladas with the green sauce. Let me tell you something, guys. I wish I would have ordered 10 orders of it.

It was so fucking good. That's number one, number two. I tell you what stood out. The fucking chicken was tremendous. It wasn't one of those roasted chickens from Costco. Yeah, these are Mexicans. They dope that motherfucker up, Jack. They dope that motherfucking chicken up.

And they put it enchiladas in with fucking green sauce. Oh, my God, with rice and beans. These motherfuckers. bill was like 80 bucks for 15 of us so put that in your pipe and smoke at North Carolina that was the only meal I had out that was the only time I had out it was fucking delicious

the people were great that fried ice cream for the kids free dessert the kids were fucking happy I don't I don't like fried ice cream I don't know I like my ice cream fucking cold all right I like my ice cream cold I don't want no fucking frying I took my daughter

someplace two weeks ago she gets the Oreo pancakes. I'm okay with that. It's bad enough. It came at fucking 8 in the morning. Two fucking fried Oreos up on top. On top of the fucking, I'm like, Mercy, what is this? I think that

too, forgive me those fucking things. But I like them. Give me those fucking things. You can't eat a fried Oreo for fucking breakfast, Mercy. You'll fucking run home next to the car. I can't have that at 8 in the morning. So, I leave here Friday. Right? Get there Saturday.

Having a great time. Monday morning. 9-01, I got a fucking email. Can you make up your mind on this offer? I got an offer to me. So I'm sitting, like I told you, motherfuckers. You never know what's going to fucking happen when you go away. Nobody bothers you. I would sit at home for two weeks.

And the minute the Uber would come, and I would close the door on the Uber. I swear to God, guys, I would just close the door on the Uber. The guy would go airport, yeah, yeah, yeah. Not even five seconds right away, my agent. What's up? Hey, you have an audition tomorrow for a fucking movie. You miserable fucks. All week I've been sitting here with my finger up my ass going to fucking hanging out with Lee,

netables, nobody fucking calls. And now you want to fucking call me today as I'm leaving. So sure enough Monday, I got this long email about this pilot. They want to use me, blah, blah, blah. They want a picture of me with the kid. You know, just really? I want to think about this shit right now. I didn't even reply.

It's like, fuck it, I'll deal with this later. The next day, you ready for this motherfuckers? I get an email from my little man, Dave. Guys, you ready for this one? He got me an audition for a play. For guys and dolls, for the role of big fucking jewels. But no, no, it gets better. It's a three-week run at the Kennedy Senate in Washington, fucking D.C.

And the nation's capital. And I'm sitting there going, let me call this motherfucker I call him up he's in England hi I'm like what's going on he goes I came to England for a party I'm like listen what is this what is this and he's like Joey

this is big time he goes you fucking do it to me all the time he goes they call me they asked me for my client list I send it and they want to talk to you I don't know why I don't know what you're doing over there I go but Dave a fucking play I could see

it fits like a play off-Broadway. That's who I am. I'm not good enough. I've never done a five. I did a play one time. I got fired in L.A. The worst play in the world. Huh? You were talking about you. So, I look at this fucking audition.

I haven't seen guys and dolls the movie in 30 fucking years, you know. I saw the play in high school. Yeah, everybody does the play in high school. I didn't do fucking plays in high school. So I missed that on fucking guys and dolls. I called Nick Duturo. I asked him for

advice. He's like, fucking do it. It's fucking tremendous. Send it in. He goes, who are you reading for? Big Jules? I go, how'd you know? He goes,

you're perfect for fucking big Jules. And George, some other fucking guy. And I'm like, are you guys serious? So I'm like, holy fuck. So I called another dear friend of mine.

And I'm like, hey, I got to run this by you. She almost fainted. She almost fainted. She's a play chick, you know. She almost fainted on the phone. She's like,

are you fucking serious? You're definitely doing that. Oh my God. She goes, I love that play. She goes, who are you reading? for a big jewels. I go, yeah. And she's like, you got to fucking do it.

So tomorrow, I'm putting this fucking audition on tape. I wanted to come home. I'm going to put a suit on. I'm going to fucking look smoking. Because the role is for a 60-year-old guy. It's an old guy, so I'm not I don't have to dye my hair. I'm going to do dick.

It said, right on the thing, no singing, no dancing. Because a lot of you's at home going, Joey, you got to dance. Listen, my Mambo day is a fucking over, okay? I could wiggle a little bit, but my mombo days are fucking over. So I'm going for it. Why not?

What's the worst nigga say to me? No, who cares? I move on. We come back, we do the podcast, and we still got the, and it's only like a three-week run. It's like October. Like a couple weekends? Yeah, that's it.

No, no, no, no. It's seven days a week. Oh, you got to stay down there. You got to stay down there. Every fucking night with a fucking matinee on Saturdays and Sundays. I think it's like two weekends and two and a half weeks or whatever. Guys, listen. I mean, I'm getting old.

This would be a great experience for me. You know, I could, and it's something I want to do and I can drive to D.C. You know what I'm saying? I don't have to fly. Waste my fucking time because I don't want to go into Dulles Airport. That's a fucking, that's a big airport. So I was like, you know, why not? Why fucking not?

You know, so I read the story. script last night I fucking went over the fucking sides I don't know him yet they're pretty interesting big Jules was like this fucking the sides I got was about a guy you know Big Jules is gambling and he fucking loses a dice

and he wants to take a marker out and then he goes but hold on we got to play with my dice the guy's like what dice and he shows up with dice with no fucking numbers on it and he goes what is this he goes I got some specially made he goes where the numbers he goes I got rid of numbers he goes so how do we know he goes I know him head. I know where the numbers replaced. I fucking died a lap this though. You know what? I'm gonna

fucking go for it. Fuck it. What do I got to lose? What am I doing my life? This Friday, though, I will be in motherfucking Mississippi at the fucking, uh, the bird show. We are doing the last fucking show this Friday. I am definitely showing up. I don't know what's going to happen on a Newark airport. I am not getting stuck because I'm flying back with Burrude. to Atlantic City. You know, Bert flies private, so I called them up as a dog. Here's the deal.

I'll take commercial down there, but I'm not getting stuck on fucking Labor Day weekend in Mississippi. That doesn't even sound fucking good right there. They never even made a movie named Stuck in Mississippi. People are leaving Las Vegas and fucking going back to Cali, but nobody's ever gotten stuck in fucking Mississippi.

So I'm not going to be the first Cuban that's going to get stuck. I'm going to go down there. I'm fucking ready for you, Cocksuckers. I don't know where you're driving because a couple people hit me up on Twitter. You're going to be there Friday. I'm going. I talked up bird.

It's fucking confirmed. I'm going to Mississippi. I'm doing that fucking kick-ass show with Mark. I'm looking forward to seeing the guys to DJ everybody. And then I fly back Saturday. I got to go to my fucking girl's wedding. Florentines are getting married in Neptune, New Jersey. There's no wedding.

I just got to go to the reception. Thank God. And then we got another fucking kids party after that. So we got a packed fucking Labor Day. Can you believe it's fucking Labor Day already, guys? Fucking Labor Day. And I got to be honest with you guys. I was telling my wife on the drive up yesterday.

And I'm not saying this, you know, I'm not one of these guys that fucking says it just to say it. This is the best summer I've had in a long fucking time. Guys, like I fucking got shot at. I got thrown in jail. I found my mother dead. You know, I've been stuck. I'm done.

Like, I just want to giggle now. I just want to smoke my little reefer. I took some fucking reefer down to, ooh, I took that tremendous OG down there. I got to North Carolina, I brought rolling papers. You know, guys, and I didn't bring a grinder. So I had to cut that weed with a scissor.

Oh, I was rolling joints the first two days when I was getting fucking blasted. I have no reason to lie to you guys. I probably put on 10 pounds the first two days and not eating sweets. They were cooking. We didn't eat at one restaurant or we're down there. Six nights. You know how nice that felt?

Do you know how fucking nice that felt just to have home meals every night? Our Portuguese family came. That motherfucker. She made some black beans. Oh, my God. Some black beans. and she puts chorizo in it for flavor and onions and garlic over white rice. And then the other dude is Korean.

He's from a great fucking, listen, these people I went down there with are great people. I wouldn't put my hands with anybody. I've met these people since I got here. Our kids fucking hang out together. And we've become, you know, I hang out on like six different crews. This is my number one crew. I love these guys. The one guy's a garbage man in the city.

He works at the fucking place. Big dude makes fucking great half of them up from Staten Island. You know, like they're all Staten Island, Italian and Irish and shit. And the Portuguese people from fucking Newark. The second night, I mean the second or third night, she made black beans. My fucking eyes were rolling back. And the Korean dude took fucking short ribs and marinated these motherfuckers for four days.

Like he's marinated them before. and I've had him, but that day, he left them in there for four fucking days. Now, for you guys who know me, have short rib with fucking Korean dressing. That's 11 points. So two short ribs is 22 fucking points, and black beans and rice is six. I was like, fuck it. I didn't eat no more than two of those fucking short ribs, but I got a big dish of fucking black beans and rice, and here's what gets better.

She chopped up garlic and put it on the bottom. like an inch of garlic on a dish, and then chop like two inches of onions on top, so you can put it all over your fucking black beans and rice. You know, Uncle Joey took that extra garlic dog. I was farting all fucking night. When you could smell your fart through a fucking sleep apnea machine, that's when you know your assholes working double time. You understand me?

When I fart and I got the sleep apnea machine on with a little fucking hole that vents air out that way, the excess air. And I get a fart creeps into that little fuck. fucking tiny people. That's success. You understand me? Speaking of success, we were talking about

different things for the mind and what works, you know, like for me, waking up in the morning and fucking sitting outside like a momo and looking around and saying my gratitude,

these are all things that help you get grounded. Like for me, I had a lot of problems when I moved here and these are things that helped me get grounded, but one of the things

that helped me, and it's still helping me, guys. You know, like, I'm down to twice a month now. And it's just talk therapy. It's fucking helped me out tremendously.

So before we go on, a word from our sponsors. And now for a word from our sponsor. Better help. Listen, like I spoke before, you gotta take care of your mind. We spend so much time taking care of what's outside, but so little of taking care

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Speaking of Better Help, let me tell you something else I realized last week that it works both fucking ways. One of my... I have a trait that's fucking bad. And it's not something that's not a fucking addiction. It's just a trait.

It runs in my fucking jeans. And it's, are horrible. For years, I thought about how bad it was because it doesn't let me sleep at night. Okay. And what I'm talking about is being a vengeful person. Since I was a kid, I don't know what the fuck.

I didn't like anything like people fucking doing shit to me. I still remember moving to New York City and like in the first grade, second grade. First grade, a kid did something to me one day. Like threw something at me or some shit. I waited like fucking two weeks. till it snowed, and I blasted them in the head with a fucking snowball. They rushed me to the fucking principal's office, and my mother was like, what happened? I go, a couple weeks, so I think he hit me with a fucking shoe or something like that.

But there was teacher there, and I was a little scared, and there was other kids there, so I just waited from him outside when they were to fucking snowball, and blast him right in the fucking ear. He was bleeding. We were like six, you know? And it's funny because my daughter's watching Narcos, and she fucking, you know, she fucking, you know, she watches narcos to learn Spanish. We both watch it together.

That's the excuse we give my wife to watch Narcos, and she loves Pablo and stuff. So you're not going to believe it. So my wife says to her day, so what are you learning on Narcos? What did you learn, those two seasons? She goes, my favorite is Iho de puta. That means son of a bitch, you know,

and my wife looks at me like, what the fuck? I go, I go, listen, sometimes, to initiate people into a language, you can't teach them the bad words first. That's what gets people excited And I look at it like a lot of people said to me Well Joey you know you're a little foul mouth You got don't blame me

Don't blame me Blame you motherfuckers Blame your fucking children Blame your parents In your age In the 70s when you came here People were nice Like when I was growing up in New York City

People were very nice to me But the first words I didn't learn were fucking hello I learned like suck my dick It was something not good And I was thinking about this It was something not good Good. And when my daughter said that to me,

I thought it was story. I still remember this like it was fucking yesterday. Across the street from 205 West 88th Street when I was growing up, I don't know what's there now. Not on the Amsterdam side, but on the 88th street side, it was a laundromat. I don't know. Something happened one day with a girl from my class.

She was in the first grade. I thought we were friends. Her mother was walking. You know, like when they walked down. And I said something to her. And like, next day I go to fucking. school and they're like Jose you got to go to the principals of something the fucking first grade I'm shitting my pants and fucking the mom is in there with the daughter and she's like I don't know

if you understood what you told my daughter yesterday but it's unacceptable and I'm like I don't even know what I said and the lady's like whoa it's too dirty to mention the thing and I don't know says something like I suck my dick I didn't know what suck my dick met but that's what the kids were teaching me to say it like don't say hello say suck my dick and I fell for it like an asshole that I am. So I told this girl, hey, suck my dick. And next thing, you know, I got in trouble. No fucking relation to what we're talking about here.

I just want to let you know a little something I came up with last week. So I'm sitting there and I'm like, fuck, you know, I'm in my mom. Like, I was always a vengeful person. But then when my mom told me the story about her sticking up for her sister and stabbing the guy in the back and all this shit, I was like, what? You know, and then as I got old, I watched the Chinese connection. All those movies I watched as a kid triggered what I already had that was wrong, which is my revenge, whatever.

You know, like anybody who fucks with me, I got to get them at some point in my life. I'll wait in the bush, and I'm very good at it. That's the thing about me. I'm fucking great at it. So I just sit back and relax, but I was thinking about how bad it was a couple of years ago. I'm like, this has to stop. And at a time, I remember Rogan used to have a joke. 20 years ago when we first met about that thing stayed with him,

that he was still mad at a guy from five years earlier that had asked for oranges. He was like a pool cleaner or something like that. And he asked Joe if he could take some oranges on the way out. And Joe goes, yeah, help yourself. And Joe was going in the shower. And Joe said when he was in the shower, he could see the guy outside, just taking a bunch of fucking oranges. You know, like more than what he should have.

And Joe said for years, I wanted to tell that guy, what the fuck? But I didn't, and it ate me up. I don't know how the context. I don't know how he used it. I have the same problem. Like, people always go to me, oh, well, Joe Rogan says that you were funnier after he met you, three or four years after he met you at the store. Yeah, because I had so many things on my mind.

At that time, when I met Joe, I was still plotting my wife's debt and her fucking husband at the time. I was very immature and I was plotting their fucking debt. That was what I, you know, I didn't care about stand-up. I knew at that time that it was just something I was doing to keep me busy and I could stabbing both of them. But then I got a

life, I met a nice girl, I got my wife, and now I look at them and I pray from from them and there's nothing wrong with that, you know? But I had a lot of problems with that vengeful shit. You know, I would always say something to people. I would always wait. And I enjoyed it.

like reminding people, hey man, years ago you did this to me. Now it's your fucking turn to get it back to you. You know, I enjoyed it because it's true. I don't like when people fuck with you, when they're in a circle, but it doesn't matter. I became a very vengeful person over the fucking years. But I also thought about the other side of that ying and the yang. Because, yeah, it took me down some bad fucking roads.

And thank God I didn't do all the things to people that I wanted when I was mad at them. Like I always say, thank God. Thank God I didn't act that out. You know, I did act out a lot of things, kidnappings and shit like that and robbing drug dealers, but I never acted out 50% of the shit I wanted to do. But then I was thinking about it. I'm like, you know, wait a second. That revenge shit works there, but it's also worked me in another part of my life. And it's just me doing things. Like, I never want to fail at something, even though you have to, you have to fail at things to get better at them. I always had a strong belief that I didn't want to fucking fail at things, you know?

So there's times when I pick something up. I don't know. Like, when I was a kid and I, I don't know, we got into this conversation. We were talking about, my wife asked me what happened with basketball. She goes, she didn't know the whole story that one of my friends and me were talking and she heard some shit that we were. was saying like all that day we were talking about the summer before my mother died how I didn't want to play basketball I was going to play football and I started fucking uh bleeding like I started spitting blood and I got rushed to the hospital and it was just but I always hated

quitting basketball as I got older I hated it more and more but there was nothing I could do I was 26 or 27 years old what do I'm going to do start from scratch and try to make it into the NBA it's not going to work so But that lesson when I quit basketball at my freshman year stuck with me forever because I never wanted that to happen again. So anything that I do that fails, maybe it's not failure. Maybe it comes into your life when you're not ready for it. Are you with me on this? Because there's a lot of things that have come into my life that I appreciate it, but I wasn't ready for.

and at one point I was ready and I said okay now I'm ready to take this challenge you know it's funny in 1996 I wrote a fucking joke a fucking guy got stabbed

the Russian the Jewish whatever got stabbed okay and he got killed I forget what his name was I'm sorry I can't keep on top

of all these fucking names but I had to a joke. You know, I like, the guy got stabbed and I go, you know why that guy got stabbed because $40 is $40. The guy who stabbed him was Jewish or something. And I made a joke like, he got stabbed

because in his world, $40 is $40. And it's either that joke or there was another joke that I can't come to mind. It was 1996, 1996, 1997, guys. And there was only one person who would laugh at that fucking joke every time I did

it in an open mic setting. and that was Josh Wolfe. He laughed for two reasons because the joke was funny, but he also laughed because the joke would bomb. All right? Like nobody in the room got it. And about a month,

I couldn't figure out how to fucking set it up, how to lay it. I couldn't figure out anything. Maybe put some padding around it. I couldn't figure out how to fucking say this joke. And one day I was talking to somebody who was a great writer in Seattle.

And it was Kathy Sawboe. A girl that's fucking great. I don't, she was on MTV, really good looking, great lady married. And she goes, maybe you wrote that joke. And it's ahead of where your comedy is. At first it offended me. Like I was like, that's not a nice thing to say. She goes, no, no, no, no, listen to what I'm saying.

You know, you had a fucking great idea. She goes, I love the joke. I'll buy it from you. I forget what the joke was, guys, it's killing me. But she goes, maybe you're not prepared to say, that joke yet. And I listen to it and I go, eh, maybe.

And what she meant was that that joke, it was a 10-year comic joke and I was still at a six-year point so I didn't know how to deliver that joke. It's a really hard pill to swallow when somebody says it to you, but once you think about it, you're like, oh, okay, and I'd never forget this.

Ten years later, I brought the joke back and guess what? It killed. It killed every fucking time. Maybe it was a delivery difference. Maybe I had more confidence when I was saying it. Who knows? The joke was great.

It just wasn't ready for me at the time, okay? You know, in 2000, whatever, I joined Jiu-Jitsu before my daughter was born. Guys, I had two podcasts a week. I was doing two other podcasts a week, and I'm going on the road three times a fucking month. It was like one class a week. I'd go to two classes a week. I never really improved. I just hung on.

I didn't listen, so I picked up bad habits in Jiu-Jitsu. I picked up really fucking bad habits. And I did it for like four years, and I got nowhere. I really didn't. I would do the same shit every time, and that was it. And I took it, and then one day I ripped my fucking left hamstring at the comedy store, and then the pandemic hit, and there was no more Jiu-Jitsu. And I got to tell you, through all the moves and all this shit and the podcast,

I was like, I'm not happy on how I left Jiu-Jitsu. Till this day, I'm not happy. So when I got here, I went online, and I looked, and I found Hollis Gracie, and I went up there one day, and I talked to him, and then two weeks later, I got the knee surgery, and I was out of it. I thought I was done with Jiu-Jitsu forever. But then I was like, I can't, and I'm a whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, John Jock is missing fingers, one of the greatest professors in this country.

Great. Eddie's teacher, Eddie Bravo's teacher. John Jock is great, but he's got a handicap. He's like, I don't know what a hand. He's missing fingers. And he still grabs you because it's an art. And no matter how, you could still learn how to work with it. Tony Iommi's missing fingertips, a guitar, great guitar player.

Rips out the asshole. He figured out of the way how to play. When you really want to do something, you figure out of way. So I figured the bum knee, I can't do knee on belly no more. I can't do a lot of things. I can't pass on my left side. There's a ton of things I can't do no more, but there's a way I can do it now. and now I do it

and I'm happy about it I'm not the best guy in the world I don't go in there and fly through the air but I go you know and the same thing is happening to me

like with jokes would stand up like if I would have a bad like I had a bad weekend at Columbus when I first started headlining in 2011 I had a bad week

at Columbus and I swore the guy I didn't give a fuck about money or nothing I'm gonna go back there and fuck them up and what made it worse was that the club owner

as cool as shit. The manager's cool as shit. I loved them. But for some reason, they didn't book me for two fucking years. So I was like, they didn't book me

because I ate a bag of dicks, you know? And I was pretty fucking embarrassed by, I mean, I told my agent, I go, I ate a bag of dicks. I wasn't ready to headline. I was all over the place. I had my moments.

I was funny. Nobody complained. But I know I could have done a lot better. And guys, the next time I went to the fucking Columbus, I fucking destroyed. him. And I guess what? I destroyed him every time after that. I still remember the night that we were in Columbus for 420 and the kid fucking passed down the audience and the ambulance came and got him

and they fucking his friends left him there. Tremendous fucking shit. I had great times in Columbus. But I went back there and I fucking laid it down. I'm very vengeful like that. And I thought about well, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, my revenge side is shitty. But how I care about if I do well or not, I like that. You know, one of the things. guys that was really eating away with me. I put up that duck donuts picture. And then a couple weeks ago I went to a game with my daughter and I put some pictures up in the baseball game.

And then two nights later, one of the families, like, we're going to go to dinner tonight. I made some videos at dinner and we were fucking around with little pink things on my Instagram. And I had a great time as for the kids, you know. But people always go to me, Joey. We like what you're doing. You know, you're a good dad. You try.

I don't feel that way, guys. I don't feel that way at all Because in my world I have a fucking failure I have an asterisk as a failure as a father And as a fucking husband So that will stick with me forever Okay I was such a failure as a husband

I didn't want to get married again And I was such a failure as a father That between you and I and the third fucking God Up there in the sky I'd like the six month mark I was ready to leave my wife Not because I didn't love the guys Not because

But because I didn't want to disappoint somebody again. I didn't want to disappoint somebody again. Then I caught myself and I go, I smack myself in the face and I go, Joy, what the fuck you're talking about? You're doing this. And this time you're going to do it the right way, you know, and that's it. And it's going to take time. And for me, I feel like a hypocrite at times. You know, when I put those videos up and all those other things, but guys, it doesn't matter that I feel like a hypocrite. I'm trying to be a good fucking dad. I'm trying to be a family guy. I'm trying to be home. I'm trying to be home. I'm trying to to do things.

Like I said, this thing I did last week, I would never do this. Anybody who knows me knows I'm a three-day guy. After three days, I start itching. I find excuses why to fucking leave. It's just the way some people are. You know, and that's just the way I'm, and I've accepted it. I talked to my brother yesterday, George, and he told me that you back and we go, yeah.

He goes, I've got to be honest with you. It's the first trip you've ever been on that you didn't complain to me one time. You didn't want to come home You didn't complain I didn't even my wife said to me The wives are like listen We've known this guy for two years This is the happiest

We've ever fucking seen him You know And guys at the end of the week I just want to be a dad I just want to know what that feels like I want to know what you guys experienced To just be normal Not having to leave every week

And come back with a fucking story I don't want to miss anything I got to go You know I agreed with Bert to go to Mississippi on Thursday, Friday. Guess what? I get an email right after I agree with Bert that they're having a softball party on Friday night.

They're going to have practice, and they're going to get pizza and ice cream. Again, you know what? There'll be other practices, but that's not what I'm doing here. I want to be. I want to be here for the hurt. I want to be here for my wife.

I want to be here for my friends. I like my people in the neighborhood. You know, last week's Lutified something else. And again, I love North Bergen. and I love the people I made up there, and I love the life I made up there. I'm embarrassed about the way how I left North Bergen. I got no reason to line, no, but I'm very embarrassed

about my reputation up there as a fucking thief and a fucking nomad. But in my world, I'm not a thief no more, I'm not a fucking nomad. But in my world, it's very tough. Like a lot of people go, why don't you come up here as much as you do? You know why, guys? Because I don't want to walk up here like nothing ever happened. something happened you know

I'm coming up on a 40th anniversary robbing a fucking jewelry store now nobody remembers that today nobody cares about it nobody talks about any but guess who does care about it I do I do I mean every time I drive past the jewelry store I beep at them for good luck

they're not even there no more but my point is I'm one of those guys that takes what I did seriously in the past I know I come on here and I've been coming on with the church and all this shit for years and I was giggling about about it, but I wanted to get it out of me. So I was at peace with it.

That was part of what the church was about and the joint. For me to make peace with it. Now we got a book coming out next year. And that'll be the end. That's it. You guys have heard it all. We've painted all the pictures for you, but this picture you've never heard.

It's crazy how I took revenge on, I lost as a dad. I lost as a husband. And I tell you, when you lose as a dad, and you lose as a husband in my world you're a fucking mutt and that's exactly what I did

so I'm not too happy with my situation as of the past as of what I do now what I've been doing the last two years and it's like I told my brother yesterday on the phone

when he asked me I said George you didn't believe me when I told Jen and when I moved here two years ago it was to end the bullshit it was to end it

I did it I had a great time I loved doing the theaters I still enjoyed doing stand up but not to the level it doesn't mean that much to me anymore it doesn't mean that much to me I don't care about a special

I see these people running around you know now I heard something even more fucking disturbing Mike and I were talking before and Mike's like I asked Mike because I haven't seen Mike in a week what have you been seen on the internet whatever nothing but I heard something so fucking disturbing yesterday

that I'm happy I'm not doing this because I would have to say something you ready for this Our brother, little international Lee Syatt, went to Dallas this week. And he went to see Brian Simpson. Funny motherfucker. I'll see him Friday night in motherfucking Mississippi. I'm looking forward to it.

He went by himself. He reached out to Brian. Brian Compton, the tickets. You know, he just wanted to go see Brian. Brian's a funny guy. And he had two drinks or something, and he said he gets his check. $30-something He looks at the check

There's an 18% service charge So you're on tip When the waitress came over Lee goes, I just want to double check with her I asked her, hey, what's this 18% for? It's your tip And he goes very, like, upset She looked at him and she goes, no

That's 18% The club is putting on top of everything No They put it on all the checks. And he was like, Joey. And I tipped her because I didn't want to think I fucking robbed her. But he goes, that's fucked up. I go, bro, these people.

And these are the same, these big chains of clubs, man. When the pandemic hit, I just wanted to see where they were at. So I called them up and I go, listen, as you could see, all these comics that you're hoping go back. Because I thought, I know for me, if I would have gone back into comedy I would have gone back to clubs for a few months got warmed up a little bit and then busted into theaters

and then whatever you know but I don't think people did that people just fuck comics blew my mind they just went right into theaters they didn't miss a fucking beat you know so I called them up and I'm like hey man as you could see I just wanted to test the waters I go as you could see

all these fucking big acts are going into theaters I don't want to do theaters To be honest with you, I don't want to do two theaters a weekend. So I would love to come back to your club, you know, to your clubs, and maybe put a little tour together, put a little banner up with you guys, maybe get some sponsors, you know what I'm saying? But these are the percentages I want. And I hit them with something out of my mind just to push them there,

just to open up their mind and get them thinking a little bit. Remember, to be a good fucking comic, to be a good musician, you've got to be a salesman. And you've got to have that fucking mind. We discussed this already. So I just threw out. a fucking number out there at him to blow his fucking pants off because you have nobody else to do what I could do so let me go in there and do it and we'll fucking all work together they've been

good to me I've been good to them a little kinky I have to catch them from time to smack their hand every once in a while and go oh look oh we didn't know you know one of those people so I called them up and I go listen if I do decide to do this this is the number I won they were like their fucking pants blew off no we can't give you that I go, well, then you won't see me. I go, let me tell you something. You guys got huge loans over the fucking pandemic. And you stayed open.

People going to your clubs, getting fucking COVID left them right. You didn't give a fuck. I did. I fucking did. So, because of the damage you motherfuckers did now, I want what's coming to me like anybody else would. We all ask, you got your P.E loans. All these big fucking clubs and everything,

they got that PPE loans. Don't think that they were fucking sweating bullets during the pandemic. There's a comedy club that got $10 million. She got two fucking clubs. Don't tell me what the fuck is going on here. Now they want to charge 18% on top of all this, which not a dime goes to the entertainer. Not a dime goes to the performer. Not a dime goes to the fucking waiters, guys.

You know, I agreed to take these tickets in New York, and I love that I'm doing it. And I'm excited about doing it. But I'm not fucking excited about is where they. raised those ticket prices to. I kept them at $40 for fucking everybody so everybody could go. That's a fair fucking price. So I'm not too fucking happy about this shit

that they raised them up to $4,000, $300. I'm not happy with this. Yeah, I'll get you some tickets, you know. But no, no. And you people, I'm telling you right now, I find out one of you motherfuckers pays over $40 for those tickets.

I'll fucking never talk to you. again. Do not pay. I'm not worked over $40. It's $40 guys. So for them to do this, I'm going to put tickets on sale in a couple weeks for Philly. Same thing. $40 fucking. That's enough. That's more than enough we could all. But

then again, they wanted to put the tickets on sale for Philly two weeks ago. I'm like, are you fucking retarded? I know what you're going to do. You're going to fucking resell the tickets and then fucking buy them all and then resell them to my people for $200. And you know what? I'll cancel the fucking gig. And now with this 18%,

That's why, you know what, it's time to support your mom and pop comedy fucking clubs. That club you didn't want to go in because they gave you a heartburn for nachos. Pretty soon when the word gets out that fucking these people are doing this, all these comics, these young guys are going to, because all these clubs are doing it now. I'm hearing what they're doing to these young comics. It's not fucking good. They did it to me and I accepted it because I didn't give a fuck. I'm a criminal. I was just happy to be doing stand-up.

I didn't give a fuck what you paid me. It was a lot better than what I was. the life I previously had, but these guys are getting fucking $250 to emcee for a weekend. They want you to pay for your hotel and your fucking airfare guys. Come on. Come on now. You can't even sit in the fucking luggage for $250.

Luggage pays $100 to fucking sit in there. So it's like, come on, guys. It's time to fucking you young comics to start your own venues, you know. Like I've been telling you for years, guys. Some of the best comedy fucking rooms I've ever done are comics. that got a little bar, they got a little room in the back. They pay, they charge, they have good fucking food, and you don't own the building.

You just go home at the end of the fucking night. You go home at the end of the night. You make a little paycheck, you don't have to get insurance, nothing. And that's the way this is going to go. I am in fucking shock that I heard that shit. 18 fucking percent on top of the tickets, this, the fucking... He called me today this morning. He told me that the credit card company called him

to double check on the 18% plus the fucking tip. How's that one for you? Even the credit card company said, what the fuck is going on? When a credit card company says, what the fuck? You call your credit card company. I want to buy a boat.

Okay, I only have 500,000 left. I'm exaggerating here. But you can call your credit card company and always bump them. You know that, right? If you pay your bills, you call them every 90 days. Hey, can I get an extra 250? I'm thinking of burying my cat,

you know, whatever the fuck excuse you have. Anyway, I love you motherfuckers with all my heart, man I'm excited for Labor Day weekend Because my world starts today I'm not even waiting out people After Labor Day I'm gonna put the white socks away And then we're gonna go back to the gym

I'm not even waiting till next Monday I'm starting today I'm dropping down the 250 I got a thousand fucking goals for the last four months of the year I'm gonna give you guys the best shows I can in New York The weed is getting strong over at Laughing Gas with my tremendous. I should be getting a new batch of fucking rainbow ruts pretty fucking soon. And a new batch of fucking tremendous. And that's it, guys.

I'll see half you motherfuckers this Friday. And if not, I'll see you the following week at motherfucking Uncle Vinnie's. And if not, I'll see you the following week at the Sony Theater. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Stay black and I'll see you cocksuckers Wednesday. Tip Top McGoo. I appreciate you guys watching. Thank you for the support.

But now for a word from our sponsor, Better Help. Listen, you got to take care of yourself and you also got to take care of your mind. The brain is a beautiful thing. Invest in time and energy and mental health is crucial to happiness. That's why I'm with BetterHelp.

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at BetterHelp.com slash Diaz. D-I-A-Z. Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Also, football season is upon us. There's a new season with a new set of rules. I know you were with whatever other service last year, but it's fucking Draft King's year. Sometimes you've got to switch up to change your luck.

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