The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #192 - Joey Diaz, Bret Ernst and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 3, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by hilarious Comedian Bret Ernst in studio for a great time. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 07/02/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy, healthy, healthy, healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe cornsticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com, promo code Joey. This show is also sponsored by Onit.com. Go there and get all the supplements you need, all alpha brain, shroom tech, strong bone. Mentioned code word church and get 10% off. and the show is sponsored by NaileditLife.com

for all the oil and wax smokers out there. Go to Nailtelighton.com for the premier vapor pen on the market. Mention Joey Diaz and get 20% off. 20% off, cock suckers. Put that fucking album on DJ. Oh shit. Yes. For you motherfuckers that don't know, it's the church, bitch.

Special Wednesday out of addition. We ain't fucking around here. It started. Quick. Kick that shit, Lee. Right. Set it off. I suggest. What? KATH it.

KATHET it. Wednesday. The church of What's happening now? Kick a freestyle, Jellie. You bad motherfuckers. Rifa Lee. Brett Ernst motherfuckers motherfuckers in the house. It's Wednesday night.

What? Wrapping. Dropping. Knowledge. Rifa. Fingers. Up your ass. In your eye. Lick it.

Flick it. Go ahead. You bad motherfuckerucker. June. July. Second. What? Yeah.

We're eating. We're smoking, we're living, we're breathing, you bad motherfuckers at the church. It's a church of what's happening now. What? What? That was fucking talk, Joey. What? What? Black people. Chinese people.

Polacks. Fuck it. The church of what's happening. Way to set it off there, Joey. What the fuck? We're all in this kombobri in here. Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Welcome my guest, Brett Ernst, the main man, the co-host, the Jew with the fucking flu.

Lee, Zayat, that bad motherfucker. Lee, you're sick? No. No. He's looking good. He greased his head until he's ready to go. Joe, I'm so fucking glad to see you, man. I'm telling you, I'm happy to see you, brothers.

I love you, man. You're the best fucking guy. I've known you since, I think, 99. You were a fucking baby. You were coming out. Your eyes were big. Every time you heard music, you started dancing. You were like Don Henry's.

girl and but what would simply irresistible dude you're the only guy know I love you you drink smoke and eat weed

at the same I ain't fucking around by the way cherry cannabis quencher you motherfuckers leaving the gym and drinking gatorade fuck you

all right you came in you put your backpack down and it like it thudded like you know walk in there bag of shit

that new medical marijuana store they ain't fucking around they gave me a joint with hash in it they gave me weed

they got espresso beans I mean I got fucking everything here I got chocolate covered fucking espresso beans, cocksuckers. Look at this.

The best thing with chocolate with weed in it that I've tasted. Unbelievable. Unfucking believable. We ain't fucking around here in Omaha and Cali. If you motherfuckers talk, telling your friend's story, I'm growing weed in my basement. Suck my dick. You're in no danger. You ain't doing what we're doing.

So get your shit together. Get your fucking plain ticket and come out to Cali and hang. What the fuck? We got fucking weed water. We got weed fucking water now. There's water. There's weed in the water. I better you have water in the fucking. week.

We're here. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Thank you for joining us at night for the special edition. I've been wanting to get you on for a while. What happened was, last week I'm at home,

writing, doing whatever the fuck I'm doing. I got the earphones on. And I'm listening to this shit. Mine in my own business. And I'm listening to this old school like something, you know, when you go to YouTube, sometimes you put it on

and just hit you with the different songs that you might listen to John. Because they already know. It's like if you go online in the afternoon, and try to get a plane ticket to Connecticut. The rest of the day, every time you're on the computer, there's pop-ups. United goes to Connecticut.

Yeah, it's annoying. Like, they fucking know. Google knows. They all know what's going on. So it's funny they have what music genres I listen to. And this page had like a black label society, had Black Sabbath, they had like Bush. And in the corner was, let the music play.

Yeah, Shannon. By Shannon. I go, I haven't heard that in a while. I played it for a little while. And then songs pop up on the side from that era. And my favorite song came up. No, you like the other Shannon's song. I always remember that too.

No, no, but I like the other, not let the music play. No, her other one. Must be the music. Oh, you're like, must be the music. That's turning me on. Must be the music. But you also like the other one she did. That you tell me you like that one better than let the music.

No, let the music play is my own. Let the music play between me and you guys. That's the reason why I didn't go back to Colorado. in 1984. Was that song? I went out to a club with my friends. I was leaving like three days from that night. It was like a Saturday and I was leaving Tuesday.

And that song came up. You heard that whop. And I was watching this girl dancing. Yeah. This song reminds me of, I love this song, dude. So what year is it? February of 84. I'm at a club.

I got like an eight ball, a couple of quailutes, and I look up and I see a girl just dancing. To this. just the way she was moving and I looked at her, moving and I go, it doesn't look like I'm going back to Colorado. And that was it. Fucking Gentiles. Look at these Puerto Rican chicks dancing.

You know those city clubs. When you're going to the city. Well, I was in clubbing back then, but you know. You weren't clubbing back then? Now, where did you grow up? Let's straighten this. You were from Jersey. Well, I grew up, I was born in Jersey.

I went to 15 schools, man. One high school in Fort Lauderdale. I went to Plantation High. I spent 6th, 8th, and almost started 9th in Passake, New Jersey. That's where I spent all my middle school year. I was born in Princeton, but I moved around a lot, man. As a kid.

Yeah, single mom shit. But when I grew up in North Jersey, when I was up there, this is when all this stuff was going on. And I lived in Passaic. What year did you graduate in high school? 90. So I'm eight years. You're elder. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's crazy. Like people say to me, well, you know, Joe, you always listen to rock music. Listen, man, when it comes to music, I listen to everything. There's some opera shit I listen to. I heard some fucking Russian heavy metal a couple weeks ago That's tremendous It's really kind of weird driving with you Like where did we go

It was either the ice house or San Diego I think it was San Diego And you were playing like These like female singers that I would never have imagined you liked And you knew all the words Dude I love that shit too My music's 70s Like all that 70s divorce music

Like fucking Barry Manilow The Carpenters Then throw in all this stuff freestyle And then hip hop from like 80 283 to about 97 is usually all in there. With some of the newest stuff, I'm not too crazy about a lot of the stuff. You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm like, Nause, I like Biggie.

You know, this new stuff, I don't know, I don't know what Drake sings, I don't know what T.I. Sings. I don't know what anybody fucking sings anymore. I just know those guys. You know, I have moved on or I got older or whatever, but it's funny because in high school on a Tuesday, I'd be at a Judas Priest concert

but on Friday I'd be at a club dancing with a bitch, a chick you know, that I just met even, Hercule Lou. But see you would be well you're still older than my older brother but when this shit was popping that's when New York was pop. Wow man, that was a good time man because I remember like being a kid and in Third War Park

we had a stage there and there would be kids breakdancing like coming in from the Bronx because you know you we were pretty close, you know, well, actually I wouldn't say that because my, you were closer to, to New York City than I was, right? Because you were right there. I was right there. Yeah, I was right there. Because all my family's from where you're from. North Bergen. North Bergen. Well, they're from Bay, or Jersey City. Yeah, same. Yeah, same thing. Right down Bergen line. North Bergen and fucking Jersey City are the same fucking town. It's only, but North Bergen's huge and Jersey cities. And I used saying out Union City a lot, a lot of Cubans there. That's a second Cuban

population. Next to Miami, right? Next to Miami. But it's funny that when we met you, I don't know, one day we're outside talking. Then you started doing your roller skating bit, which, you know, it's really weird. To watch it, you had a roller skate. Like, I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. And I watched him one day, and I'm like, oh, my God. Well, here's what happened.

We drove down to San Diego, right? And we were doing a gig together. I was opening for you. And you were like, hey, come on, let me ride with you. So we started riding And I had my Ford Escort at the time So I had my tape in And I'm like you know

You were from Jersey I'm like you love this shit And I meant literally bro I just kept popping tapes And you're like that's my shit And we just went down Had a fucking great weekend Came back

And then from there Because when I first met you You used to do This was what's great about Joey man We used to have the poppins at the comedy store And he would host And like when you were a young comic Am I in the mic right

When you're a young comic Like I used to come, when I first got made, when I got my button, I used to go down there and just put my name first on the list, right? But when he was hosted, he would go, I'm like, hey, I think I'm first. He would go, hey, I don't go by the list. And he just wriggled that fucking thing up. But ever since that weekend, he's like, Brett Ernst, you're on next. Brett Ernst you're on next. No, no, but you had to put the names on first.

Yeah. And then the guys from the list. But see, but you were very, you ran the show right. Yeah, I ran it. Because you wanted to put everybody up that you know. I tried to run it the best that I could. But she did great. No,

then Dice comes in and does 45 minutes, everybody's fucked. Yeah. Is the open mic? Yeah, there's an open mic. It's the pop and then there's a pop and a 10. Okay. So the pop and at 10, what happens is basically this. All right, so the open mic ends, then a 10 o'clock host comes on,

and then I bring up the pros. Okay. So let's say Brent Aaron's, poor Brennan signs up at 2 in the afternoon. And I'm first on the list. Doesn't fucking matter. Let's pretend he gets there at 9. He's fucking around. fucking quarter to 10, I go outside, I go, Brian, you're up first.

Fucking 5 to 10, Eddie Griffin, and dice would pull up. And that means everybody's known void. I would talk those guys sometimes into going after the first three guys. But that, that never, I mean, that was a different, different, uh, different time then, man, because, you know, stores run a little bit tighter now. But that's when it was fun, man. And then you're the, you brought Joe in to see me. I remember he was out in the hall

and you're like, you got to watch this kid. Yeah, we had a good time. And then that's when you guys bought me a shot and said, welcome to the, we did the thing in the kitchen. We did the thing in the kitchen. And it was it, I was in. And we've been friends fucking 14, 15 years almost. And it's fucking crazy how long everything.

So when did you get here? You got here in 99, yeah. But I didn't get my butt until 2000. And I got here in 97. And it's amazing that I'm still fucking here. Like I sit here sometimes and goes, unbelievable. It's 2014, and I walked into this town on a Monday night, January 29, thinking I'm going to be here for six months. I swear to God, I have no reason on the line of you guys.

I went to eat at Acapulco. Yeah, the one that's where Happy Endings is now. Oh, my God. You're right. You're right. Oh, shit, I forgot all about that. Yeah. But the other one was better.

The one in Silver Lake is a lot better. The Alcapulco over there. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. If you stay on sunset and you make the ripe on the movie theater, that Alcapulco is a lot better. I would go there fucking four days a week for the buffet. They had a Mexican buffet. Oh, delicious, Acapulco.

Delicious. I don't know how it is now. This is fucking years ago. But see, we would sit out in the parking lot. It would be like you would be there and then Luca Polanka and Rika was there and Schubert. Schubert. Yeah, and just everybody would just hang out. And it felt like that you were, you know, it seemed like a little neighborhood type thing.

You know, everybody was back there. And then, I mean, it was always packed back there. And, man, it was a good time, man. Yeah, when I first started listening to the podcasts, I was really jealous because I had just moved here. And work friends or work friends, but, like, it's kind of hard to make friends when you first moved someplace and it felt like listening to the stories

that people at the comedy store had, like, an immediate way to make friends. And work friends, you don't really want to hang out with them that much. So, like, for the first few months I was here, there was no social life and I was always, I would listen I'd be like, I was jealous of you guys hanging out all the time. So it's cool.

Yeah, now, and we bled, we all bled together too. Well, Joe was already, you know, Joe was already a big name, but like the guys that I came up with and even some of the guys that were ahead of us and it's cool when you're in that fraternity, so to speak, and, you know, where you all bleed and struggle together, you know, help each other get gigs, feed each other, put, you know, put food on each other's plate.

Mike Marino, you help me out. That's where we did the gig was what Marino's did. Marino's gig. It was downtown San Diego. The Cajun Place. Yeah. The Cajun Place. And I met Bobby Kelly from that gig too.

And we've been friends ever since. Rob Kelly out of New York. But yeah, man, you know, and when we see each other, it's like, you know. It's like you, you know, it's so funny. I miss Sebastian. Yeah. You know, I hear great things about Sebastian. I'm going to contact them because I want him to come up one night so we could talk.

But one of the things, these guys were all younger guys. and I remember one day I got on the park call at 5.30 in the afternoon they called me to be on Beverly Boulevard for an audition for politically incorrect for Mob Week. Really? When, what's his name? Henry Hill and those guys going? Yeah, but what was the host? He has the show on his.

Bill Maher was the show. Now, when I moved here, I used to always go watch politically incorrect. In the afternoons, you could just go to CBS, stand online. and go watch him, you know, so I would do that when I first got here. But anyway, three years later, here I am. Sebastian just got to LA. When I met Sebastian, he was like Little Vito when he came from Italy. You could smack him.

He wouldn't fucking say, ouch. He wouldn't talk. Yeah. He wouldn't fucking talk. And he was funny on stage, but he was so shy and so introverted. And I walk into this fucking audition, and I see wheels, and I see, what was the bald-headed guy that hung out at the store that was Italian also

and he did the Sopranos? He did three episodes of the Sopranos. He was a comic? And they cut all three of them and then he got into a fight with Rogan when not on stage. Good guy, too. It was just a misunderstanding

with him and Rogan. Holy shit. Why can't I remember? The old guy with a daughter. He had a hot daughter. He was an older comic. He had been at the store for 30 fucking years. He had no hair left.

He looked like a little Danny DeVito. Good guy. And one night, I don't know what happened. I saw him there. Sylvester Stallone's brother, the guy that got hung in Goodfellas, the guy that got hung in the meat thing. Yeah. Frankie Carbone.

Frankie Carbony, all these Italians are there. And you're auditioning for $350. You're auditioning for Mob Week promo. It's the promo to Mob Week. And when you get there, they go, as soon as you get to the audition, they go, bye-bye, it's all improvised. Pick a partner. So I see Wheels is talking to Sebastian,

and they're all mixing and matching. And she comes down and she goes, Joey Diaz, I grab Sebastian. I grab him because I know he's half a fucking deaf mute, and I could just poke him to get reactions out of him and shit. I go into the room with Sebastian. That's a deaf mute. Hysterical, hysterical. Sebastian was very introverted, and he was quiet.

He had just come from Chicago. It was skinny, you know, and I pulled him in there, and something happened that we did it, and boom, the next day. I said, I got a call. And it's the comedy student. Like, hi, Sebastian, just called here looking for your numbers. Is it okay? We give it to him?

And when I hung up, bling the phone rings, and it's my agent going, you booked it. And I hung up with him. And there's Sebastian going, hey, man, I booked it. What happens now? Like, Sebastian was that green. Yeah. You know, and I remember going to the thing with him, and they told us not to touch Bill Maugh. Because he was a germaphole.

Don't make eye contact with him. Don't make eye contact him. I love those conversations. Yeah. And I'm like, fuck that shit. And we ended up hitting it off, and me and Sebastian did the thing. And then another time, Sebastian was from Chicago. So nobody could, you know, nobody had booking agent.

But I worked Chicago. I worked in Riddles. Yeah, South Side. The South Side. I think you worked there too. Yeah, I've worked that too. And I told. When the kid Brent, the big, when he was working there.

Before he started bouncing checks. This is when his uncle had it, I got Sebastian in there. And then when I would land in Chicago, he would always take me out, the owner of the club. Great guy. He just called me. He's suffering from cancer. He's in rehab.

I wish him a lot of luck. And he took me to a strip club, and I'm sitting there. And this guy's come up to me and they're like, hey, you know, Sebastian Monscalco. And I'm looking at these guys like, I'm fucking dead. Something went wrong here.

This is me and a strip club in Chicago. At one of the nice ones where they serve steaks and shit like that? Yeah, yeah, the classy ones. And they come over and they're like, he's our cousin. We heard you got him a job. Like, how you doing? And they started talking. They were very nice.

They bought me a few drinks. but that's how small of a world and I got Sebastian in the club later on but well we we you know that was that was our world was what you did when you were at the comedy store

Sebastian was my me and him you know was still tight you know he was like my like he was like my best friend you guys would uh yeah we would always show up together we'd travel we did the Vince Vaughn

Wild West Comedy tour together um all that stuff man we've we worked forever and and uh you know and it's it's cool because we all went off and did our own thing so you kind of graduate but in the same

token it's like I miss I miss you know traveling with all my friends and everything like you know I miss going on gigs with Sebastian and you know even you know you know what I mean like that's why I like coming home man you know being in town sometimes because like I was we were at the store on

what Monday night dude in that place look what just happened with Cat Wayne I was gonna say you there for that no that was last night but I'm seeing what did you hear anything I heard anybody all I heard is that some guy was making fun of him for being short and for being black, he pulled out of a gun

and he was gone before the cops got there. That's what the news story said. They said the cops showed up with the guns out and like he had already left. Shit like that happened all the time. You know, other thing. Remember the night you were smacking that dude around? That's a great story. Which night? That was a great story.

There was some asshole in the club. I don't know if he was a comic or something from San Diego at the time. And he was yelling at the back and Joey just took him, right? And he dragged him. Now, I was up front, and I saw Joey. This is a great Sebastian story.

So I see Joey dragging him, right? And fucking, he's like, get the fuck out of your cock sucking. I'm going smack that motherfucker, Joey. I go smack the fuck out of him, right? And the guy's just, like, he's being a dick. And I look over at Sebastian, and Sebastian, you know, he doesn't get any emotion. He just looks at me. He goes, like he's fixing it.

He goes, what are you doing? Why are you involved? But I saw Joey on him, man. Do you remember that night? You were pulling that dude out and he put him out on the side. That was like a tra-that was like a saga. That was like a fucking movie. Yeah, that was an ongoing thing with this kid, though, right?

You know, he came up to me at the store one night. I'm hosting. He goes, do you mind if I go up? And I go, no, you know, he's from La Jolla. I don't know what is. And it ended up, we ended up being friends. After that, yeah. Like years later, it was a situation with three of them.

It was a three-on-one situation. That's why I had a ticket. to the extremes. So the first guy went up, the guy went up, and I said, don't touch the mic. Do me a favor.

I'm going to put you up, do me a favor, but do me a favor, don't touch the mic. We think this is the first thing this fucking jerk off does. Touch the mic? Touches the mic.

Mike breaks. Oh. Then he goes up on the stage, and he decides to do 10 minutes. How long are you supposed to do? Three. Oh.

He's a popping. He's not like a... He's a popping. Yeah. I'm sorry. Like, yeah, like the, Yeah, he's early. Yeah, he's early.

So he comes over to me like, I go, dog, you won't spite. And he had fucking attitude towards me. Like, fuck you, man. What are you gonna do about? And I remember, like, it took everything I had to walk up to the stage to bring up the next act. But I kept watching him from the stage. Like, he's not leaving. And I fucking brought whoever up and I went after him.

And that's how it started. And he, fuck you, no, fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, and fuck you, that's how it started. And I think there was a pushing match, and that was the end of that. And then, the following weekend they came up to the muscle me like fuck you motherfucker oh really you got the wrong guy and something happened that night

and waitress got involved and they were going to call the cops and I had to leave so that was the end of that so there's a rumor going around town that they're looking for me and that's my world that's my fucking world

I didn't know all I saw was the door fly open and him dragging the fucking kid out and then I didn't see the other dudes because we were all like looking for you know you're like all right and then it's almost like But that was in Hollywood. Yeah, this was in Hollywood. This went all the way down to La Jolla.

Yeah. So I get to La Jolla on a Friday, and the manager comes up to me to learn. There's a one on the street that they're coming here tonight. Oh, wait. So this is the third time before you, I thought you were getting to the. Oh, no, go ahead, man. I'm sorry. We did two bouts and, we did two or three times, we went off on each other up in Hollywood.

One time punches were thrown him. I just fucking said, fuck you, and I dragged him out of that. One time he came in my face, and one time I threw him out of the store. I threw him and his body out. Get the fuck out of you's both. And then I go to La Jolla and I get the thing that they're looking for me. So you know me. I'm old school. I go to the condo. I get every knife at the fucking condo. Cuban side kick the-in-side. Do you put the blade in your mouth and spit it to cut them? The ox?

I put the blade everywhere else. That's him calling right now? No, I put the blades all outside under the bench. and it was a pool table Yeah, yeah, the little four I took all those fucking sticks And hit them around the building Oh no, I go to war

No, no, no, no, I'm old school And I had the sticks under Because there was a There was a parked bench outside there Yeah, it's still there, yeah So I glued the knife I Scots taped the knife No, you didn't

Oh fuck, yeah, you know I'm fucking nuts And I Scots taped the fucking duct And you can see the tape on the bench So if you sat on it You're like, oh, it's a piece of tape, It's a piece of tape holding a fucking knife on the bottom, you fucking dummy. That's a skill. That's the skill you picked up in prison.

No, that's a skill I picked up. That's where you put the shanks. Oh, yeah? My stepfather. So I hid the pool stick under there. There was no balls. There was no balls that night. I put on a hooded sweatshirt.

I put on a hooded fucking sweatshirt. I had a hood. There was six balls or something. I took two balls. I put them in this pocket. You put them in a sock and shit, right? Not the sock. I didn't do Chuck Morris.

No. Steven Seagall, that's an help for justice. It was Chuck Norris and Cota Silence. Steven Cigal stole it from it. Oh, okay. Fuck, yeah. It was Cota Justice where fucking Chuck Norris did that at the bar. And then Steven Seagal, who shot Bobby Lupo?

Bobby Lupo. Anybody know why? Bro, when I see that here at the UFCs, I always go, who shot Bobby Lupo? And he just sits there. What's great is the old guy, Rusty, in that scene. Remember when the mob comes back after he got his nose broken? And he's like, where's your brother? He's like, oh, you think, I'm gonna fucking tell you know.

Then he goes, get him Rusty. And Rusty is like an extra. He's like a dude that, you know, he's just, this is his scene. He's like, come here, your cock sucker. He grabs him by his nose. Rusty's the greatest guy ever in a fucking... He's got him on the table. You fucking mutt?

Whatever he's saying? Fucking nose, you fucking... So we're waiting for these guys to attack me. Everybody's at the club and they're like, when is it gonna happen? When is it gonna go down? And sure enough. And I think I was featuring. I don't know if I was headlining.

I pop outside and like fucking Puerto Ricans on the third. They got music on. You're going to attack a motherfucker. It's like sons of anarchy. I love this show. I don't get it. I always hear the motorcycles when they come to get me. You know what I'm saying?

If I know motorcycle people are coming to get me, when they come to my door, I'm gone. I heard motorcycles. It's tough to be a killer when you've got a fucking motorcycle. He goes, brum, wrong, brum. Yeah. So I'm in front of a horse. a comedy store and I can hear the music and I see them but they don't see that I see

them I'm already prepared I got my hands in my pockets oh with the golf balls ready to throw a curb ball and a knuckleball all right and I fuck and they come up and as they pull up these idiots pull up with a water pistol like the one the big ones to try to run me and before they even pulled it up I took the fucking cue ball no you didn't bro and just whip that their car let me tell you what that sounds That sounds like a fucking cannon going on. I know I've been the highlight. Okay.

These three Gentiles in the car that thought they were going to have made, they were minor leaguers and they were going to a fucking All-Star game. When I threw that fucking ball at the car and that car went boom, and they pulled out of there, they called the police and they called Tommy up at fucking Hollywood. Oh, yes, they did. They never mess with me again after that. I had that fucking comedy store of Hoyer wired for fucking sound, Jack. Oh, it's great.

I mean, to me. Thank God you can kill them. Yeah, I mean, you know, I thought they were like hamsters. Those kids. Yeah, they were nothing. They were nothing. And then the kid made up. You know, and then this, you know, but you never know who the fuck they're bringing.

No. I didn't care. I didn't care if they brought 20 people. You should have taken three of them to the hospital. You should just brought Joe and just had some. I would have three of them with fucking cube balls into hospital. You hit somebody with a cube ball in the fucking head. They're going to go to the hospital.

What's the worst thing you got hit with? I got hit with a champagne bottle one time. Ooh. And it didn't break. If you've ever been hit with a bottle, you want it to break. You want it to break. Why? Because it takes the fucking...

Yeah, it takes away. But this thing, man, fucking got clocked with this fucking... Where did you get hit? On the head? Yeah. No, in the arm. I don't know. You always go for the head.

I think one of the worst things I ever got hit when the back of the head was a whiffball bat with rocks in it. Oh, who the fuck? Wow. You have no idea how much that hurts to get hit in the back. With a whiffle ball bat or rocks in it. That's the weapon of choice. That's a tremendous. My grandfather used to drive around

like with those old man weapons and he had like an axe handle like this big. I talk about it my act but he had tape at the bottom of it like for grip and a fucking nail. Old school. They didn't fuck around.

No, you can't fuck around. But I remember thinking like, you know, what the fuck is, how are you, you know, you hit him. They always have that trick. Like you hit them and you fucking rip them with it. You know, like with the nail.

I'm a hanger guy. I always have hangers in the car. Like if you have a t-shirt and a hanger. A hanger? Like the dry cleaning ones? Like the metal ones? Always have the metal one to cut. You want to twist it?

You untwist that shit. And you wrap that motherfucker up and you start hitting somebody at night with that thing. They don't know what it is. They don't know what it is. I don't care if you know, Jikundo, Jiu-Jitsu, karate, kung fu. Anything you fucking know, you can't stop a motherfucking hanger coming at you. Well, let me. There's no fucking way.

You're even going to see a hanger coming at you. An unborn fetus? You can't stop the hangers. You're not seeing a hangar. Just for the sake of a hangar. Just for the same. argument because this is so out of my realm. You bring all this stuff.

What if the guy has a gun? Then you're fucked. Then you got a shot with a hanger on your hand. Then you're done. That's when you got to posture your way out of a fucking situation. You know, magazine. One of the hardest things you could hit somebody with is a magazine.

If you roll the magazine up real tight, hit him with the butt of it. It's like getting somebody with a fucking brick. A Vogue magazine. Fucking to the head, like a shaft. I'll tell you, that champagne bottle hurt. Oh, all that. Bro, anything hurts.

And you heard it. It went calm. You're right. That night getting fucked up. It all hurts. It all fucking hurts, you know, when you're out there getting fucked up. All my shit always happened in the club, man. I used to work in nightclubs.

Before I got in a comedy, I was for like almost two and a half years. I promoted clubs down in Florida. Club Boka, I worked at forever. Then my whole crew went up to Atlanta, opened the goal club up there. And they got in a lot of trouble back in, like, I don't know if you remember all that goal club scandal shit. Yeah, those were the guys that I used to work with. There were a lot of those guys were my friends.

but I was always in those nightclub scenes and then, you know, I would, you'd come in on your nights off sometimes or, you know, go somewhere else and somebody would, you know, fucking try you. You would just, you know, try to beef with you over some dumb shit that you have, that is nothing to do with you. No, it's, it's, you know, listen, man, I, I, uh,

I grew up really weird, like I saw a lot of shit, but I also had my stepfather who was by the book, and he hated going out. Like, he was a killer that, hey. shit are going out. He used to tell me all the reasons when you get older don't go out at night. And it's so weird. Like today's and today's society, I'm scared to go out at night. Dude, I was scared then too, right? Were you? I'm scared to go out. Like, my friends would be like, yo, let's go out. And then I'd be like, all right, but then, like, we'd get there. And I always

had this pit in my stomach. Like, I can never enjoy myself. Because I always knew somebody was going to do something fucking stupid. Or somebody was going to come to me, like, or somebody else was going to do something. Nothing good. I always say nothing good happens at two in the fucking morning. Nothing good. And here's the problem with like Italians, Latinos, like all the club guys, you know. Any guy that wears like a sweatsuit with matching sneakers and like think that's a fucking outfit to go out in, these are the type of guys that after the club closes, they can't go home. Hey, what should we do?

Let's hang out in the fucking parking lot. Then you're in the parking lot to like four in the morning or 3.30 or whatever the club closes. New York's even, because nothing closes. Then you go eat. Then you go eat. And now your chances keep increasing of something happening the longer you stay out and the bigger the group. And fuck, man.

But I still went out like a dick. And I was always, anybody ever tells you that they weren't afraid of that shit? Oh, I don't know, because there's maybe, I had one friend I think just loved it. But is lying. They're lying. Well, growing up in Jersey, what I remember was I had friends. I don't talk to them anymore, but I had a, there was a group of guys that I grew up with, that there were acquaintances.

And these motherfuckers, I swear to God, they lifted weights, they did steroids, they worked 60 hours a week on steel, they did something heavy, but their main goal on Fridays and Saturday was to beat the fuck out of door people. That was there.

Some guys boxing that 34 and 1 and some guys become world champions, some people become a May 5th, this crew of guys went out and that thing on Monday morning was dog, went to that club in the Ashbury, we took out the whole fucking security system. And you're like, what the fuck?

Let me ask you this. When you were clubbing, was Dancings around in Palisades Park, I think? Or Chicago's in Lodi? Do you ever go there? You ever go to, let's see, other one, Joey's and Clifton? I'm going to tell you what happened. Oh, you're going to... Oh, you were bridging tunnel. You were always in the city? I was... I left in 82.

Oh, okay. So the clubs I remember going to, like, there was a club that opened in my neighborhood and fair... view that was the bigger is called quintessence. And I refused to go. Like, till this day, people are like, I saw you in quintess, no, you didn't. I never went there. I fucking had my pride. Like, I was one of those guys. I didn't want to go to all those

fucked up. I went to the hole in the wall. That was where I seen Twisted Sister and all those, Bon Jovi and people like that. I used to go. And there were rock clubs in Jersey. Yeah. This is where I went. I used to go to, like, the soap factory in Fort Lee. I saw I heard that. The soap factory? Yeah, and that's where I saw those guys took out of staff of door guys

in there with a bat one night. Oh, my God. They went up there during the week alone. The doorman fought them, and they devised a plan. They're going to start a fight outside with the doorman. When the doorman all came out,

they were going to hit them with bats, they did that. As they were coming out, there was one guy just clocking them in the fucking rip. Clock, clock! They were going down. And I was a city guy.

I remember, I caught 81, 82, 83, 84. The rooftop. The rooftop. Yeah, that was famous. Did you ever go to the Latin quarters? Down the show? No, it was in Manhattan.

It was like all the hip-hop used to be there. I remember hearing it on the radio as a kid. At the L-Q. At the L-Q. I probably left by then. Aria, the church. Yeah, oh, that was limelight. Lime-light.

Palladium? Palladium. No. No. Was Webster Hall? Palladium. When I was growing up was a concert hall. I saw Judas Priest there.

I saw James Brown there. I saw You 2 there. I saw Def Leopard there. I saw, you know, Judas Priest would go to the Palladium five nights in a row Monday through Friday. I saw ACDC there with Brian Johnson. You know, I saw a lot of bands there. And then they turned into Club MTV in 1985.

Oh. And that was the beginning of the end of New York. Once they turned the Palladium into Club MTV, it was all... What was the rocks? He had a buddy of mine that used to tell stories. go to the Roxy and just to snatch chains. And then I hear it in the Biggie Small song when he's like, yeah, we used

to go to, snatching chains at the Roxy wherever they were at. And I used to laugh because there was this kid that I went, that was much older that used to, I met him in Florida. I don't want to say his name, but he told me, yeah, kid, I used to go to Roxy and snatch chains. I remember like, ah, yeah, remember like those big, thick

ass fucking rope chains and stuff? I'm like, all right, and then I heard Biggie sing about it, and I'm like, all right. Maybe he did. Maybe he did it with Biggie. There's a bookout right now about the New York scene. In the late 70s, early 80s, Jerry Rocha gave it to me. But I lent it to Felipe.

And I can't remember the book. If you get it, I'll get the name from Felipe. It's amazing. You know, and those nights you had five burrows. And every barrow had fucking music. Somebody was at the barrow, you know. And when I was a kid, like we went to see Jam on it. Nucleus.

I went to see them for 15 bucks. Prince and Sheila E. Sheila E was dope. May or June of 84. When the movie first came out. See, all that Judas Priest stuff, I don't know. This shit, this is where I'm at right now. That's like, oh, my cousin used to, fuck, man.

That's how I got all into this stuff, man. So I would go to a rock club during the week. Like, I listened to Black Sabbath. I listened to Led Zeppelin. But once the weekend came, those idiots that, fuck, disco dog. We're going to listen to rock, and they would sit there. Do you mean the last party? Studio 54 Disco and the Culture of the Night?

Is that it? What's that? The last party of the book. No, no, no. It's like New York something. I'm not worried about it. You know what song I love was, Last night a DJ saved my life.

I can tell you, in the mix. I can do it. In the mix. In the mix. In the mix. In the mix. In the mix. But I also, to me, like the best music I heard,

like the best dance music, like it was from 81. to when I left in 85. To me, those are great years. For me, you know, because I was a kid, and I went out. And I, you know, like, the song, I've heard it 10 times in the last three days. And it was my fucking song. Like, I would cry when I heard that shit in the summer of 82.

Don't you want me, baby, by the year. Oh, yeah. I was working as a waitress. All that shit was when I was going. I remember going to a club. I don't know what the name was, but it was three floors. And one of the ways you'd get down was through a seat, a slide? A slide.

Oh really? That's how you how to get down. It's like the top, the bottom floor was a bar and the medium floor was like, I forget what the design was, but the third floor had the design of like an island. Like you were in an island. And I remember that, my buddy took a quailute. Darren Regal, I'll never forget this. It was the summer of 82. And we would go out dressed, but you could wear sneakers in those days. We would wear white sneakers,

Nike, not Knikes. The pony! Pony white on right, bang! By the way, ponies was Jim McMahon, I think. And if I'm not mistaken, I think Walter Payton did ponies. No, Tony Dorset had ponies. Walter Payton had ruse. Ruse. Furnies.

The fucking one with the zipper. Ponies were the shit. Ponies. You either wore Adidas. The big-ass V. White on white, black on white Adidas. And you were allowed the clubs. I got Adidas on too myself.

Rocking their brand new Chili's. We don't fuck around here. That's the whole school we are. I don't fuck around. I love my Adidas. I'm old school like a motherfucker, but I'll never forget we're on the third floor and we're looking for him.

Where's Rego? Where's Rego? I don't know. We go upstairs and when he would lock into a chick, he would lock into a check. Like, well, I'm waiting for this chick to stop dancing with this fucking guy, you know? He was one of those guys he cut in.

And while waiting for the chick, you passed out on the tree. Like a fucking palm tree. Like a fake palm tree. I never forget, he started hugging it. Right. So we come over like at 330. We're like, Raygo, come on, we got to go. We got to go.

And he's like, where? Come get, give me 10 minutes. Finally, we took him and he ripped the tree up with him. He walked like five fucking steps with the tree and the root hanging out, like the rubber roots and shit. The doorstep had to come over and shake them down. You know, cocaine was huge then. And you could do cocaine at the tables.

Really? You could do cocaine at the tables. You go to Studio 54. Well, that's why that table in the fucking comedy story, you ever go back to you could see all the piano. All the lines. All that. Raisin lines. It was a different time, guys.

I never went to a studio on a Friday or Saturday. They wouldn't never let me in. My friend knew the bartender or something on Thursdays. So in 81, we would go over there in high school, and right year after high school, we would shoot over there. And it was just amazing on Thursday nights that we would see. But everybody was in the woman's bathroom. That's where you hung out.

Because there were stalls, but the woman's bathroom was the size of the comedy store original room. Yeah. Chicks always got the fucking big. You know the couches and shit. The mirrors in the back with the lights, that's what they had. They got everything. So people would be back there doing fucking blow. I remember being at the Studio 54 one night jacked up.

Gacked up where you can't fucking talk. Jaw going. Jaw going. And I had not one dime on me. Not one dime. Like I had spent my last money and I lost my friend. Like I went there with somebody who had dough and we had dough and I had a bag of blow. So he was buying drinks and it was my blow.

I lost him. I'm dying of fucking thirst. There was no water back then. Didn't sell fucking water. I didn't give you your shit back then. There was no water. So your mouth is dry as fun. And all of a sudden my buddy gets to me.

And I go, bro, where you've been? You got any money? He goes, dog, I got enough money to get home. I go, Jesus, we don't have a drink. I'm looking down. There was a $100 bill on the floor. It was like God fucking sent a $100. Here, Joey.

I'm glad you're doing blow. Take care of this. God's looking out. And you're right. We would go outside, hang out, the car for a while and then either we eat on the blow because in that day in those days the blow wasn't speedy you could eat we go to a Greek diner and get a cheeseburger deluxe with french fries and mozzarella on the fries with a little fucking gravy like the gravy fries the disco fries you know uh

big wang's got those do they really delicious I know the diners in L.A I mean in New Jersey still they still got TikTok have you at the Ticktock and Clifton oh if you go for one let me taste and there's nothing like a Jersey diner because Everything is delicious. Yeah, and people tell you the Taylor ham is funny. Oh, the Taylor ham and egg on a fucking Kaiser roll. Are you fucking? Rutsut.

You ever eat at Rutsut? The hot dogs at Rutsut and Clifton, they're like, you have to get them split. Seven hot dogs for a dog? No, they fry them and they split. You can look them up. They're great. I see. I'm a Hanks-Frank's type of motherfucker off of Route 4.

We had a hot dog truck in Third Ward Park that was our family's like it was my stepfather had this truck. And I would get, we had to spread hot dogs. And then when we were kids, remember when they redid the Statue of Liberty? And they invited our truck. They said, look, we get my, you know, he got a spot. But back in those days, you had to fucking kick up to everybody. And he said, it's not going to be worth it to go there.

But our hot dogs would a shit, man. I love a good fucking hot dog. And that's what's great about the internet. Like, I can order subred hot dogs to my house. Do you get them to your house? Yeah. I'll tell you what I do, man. The company's in Jersey, correct?

The company, yeah. Well, I don't know what. I got to check where they ship them from. because, I mean, there's a warehouse in Jersey. I know that's a warehouse. You can get some wrette's any. You can look them up where you get them. You can just order a whole case of it.

I know. You get the dogs, the buns, and you get the onions. I just get the dogs. Just the dogs. I do my own onions. They got the onions. Yeah. Down the fucking Jersey Shore, there was a place that would do spicy chili.

Right in Seaside Park. Jesus fucking Christ. Jesus. That good or that painful after? That good. That good. When it's that good, I don't give a fuck. happens to my assol. It's like dating a stripper.

You're like, fucking, I don't care. It's a lot of fun while it's going on. I'm going to eat her ass. I know there's been a thousand dicks in here, but the consequences I'll fucking deal with later. I'll fucking put a lister in my mouth and light it on fire. Like a fucking, my mouth will be like a poo platter. Like, there's fucking thing in the middle of a poo. I don't give a fuck. Remember the Jade

Fountain? Where was it? God damn. I was in There was one. I remember Phil's, yes, Lynn Hurst. Phil SIDS used to eat there all the fucking dog. Dog, the fucking Jade Fountain. and Lynn Hurst was the only Chinese restaurant that in the buffet they gave you shrimp and lobster sauce on Monday nights.

That's the first place I ever went through with my gumbas and we wore out the carpet. Like we wore out the carpet from the table. Back and forth? There was a restaurant that had all you could eat lobsters back then and I can't think of the name. I might have to text my mom. But then you glue in the dark for fucking four days.

Like you have to turn the lights off and see your girlfriend could read a book with you in the fucking room with the lights up. There was so much. many places, you know, I don't know. That's why I like doing the road, though, man. You get to check, you like, when I go on a road, I'm not a big part of you, man.

I like to fucking. Two more, Lee. Two more, Lee. Too much espresso beans. Eat it. You all by yourself. We're talking food. We're talking food. You're all the food.

You're all the idea. I'm not hearing all this stuff. Let me tell you something, Lee. I'm going to tell you, people. When I first moved to Lai, I'm never forget my first agent. And I don't forget her saying to me that I needed a bio. And she goes, you want me to help you right?

And I met her for lunch. I remember saying I'm from Northburg and New Jersey and her going I'll never forget her going you're not going to put New Jersey on there really? And I go, why not? She goes,

what's New Jersey ever off at Bon Jovi? Bitch, where the fuck you want me to tell you I'm from there? Sinatra and somebody else and Springsteen. She goes, but besides that, people really... And Jimmy Roselli, don't forget Jimmy Roselli had a whole Boken. Jimmy, put away. the fucking car. He would sell albums from his trunk. Put away the thing. You're embarrassing this here. Take $20. I don't even want the fucking albums. Just close the trunk and go home,

will you, Jimmy? So, uh, and she told me this. And I remember I went home and I was like, I don't understand what the problem is with people in Jersey with Jersey hat, like this reputation. I got to tell you something, guys. You know, I grew up, when I came from Cuba, I went to New York City, and I had connections in New York City. I went there years after I lived in Jersey. I don't know what I would do without my childhood in Jersey. I had such a good time growing up. I had such a good time at a bad time.

My mother died when I was a sophomore in high school, bro. Yeah, I know. So those three years were, I wouldn't even think about my mother. So I was walking home at night from after like everything ended the whole day because my friends were that fucking good to me. Like I had that much fun. There's a lot of, a lot of distraction and fun distraction, a lot of shit to get into. sit here sometimes and I go the pain I was

fucking in at that time the pain that I was in and how much I laughed you don't realize that shit as a kid man like for me I know I lost my pops when I was like 10 or 11 and as a kid you you know you don't know how to fucking

you don't know how to filter it you know what I mean and and I look back now like looking at all the shit I got into especially like fifth grade I was always getting suspended and I'm like dude, I'm fucking acting out. But they didn't know anything about really, there was no real psychiatrist back.

Like nobody to talk to. You know what I mean? So you start running around. No, that's not a gunshot. It's fireworks. Okay. I thought he farted. I thought it was a fart.

I didn't get a fuck. I was just looking at leaving like, damn. That must be fucking protein shakes or something. No, but like, you know, you don't. So I would, that's why I loved getting in trouble as a kid, man. I was always, I was a bad little kid, man. I stole a car in middle school. Fucking, uh, Rob the Book Fair.

remember to book fair fifth grade with it burn all the books in the school I volunteered to help and shit me and my little brother would like dress up as Boy Scouts collect money that was a fucking strong thing that was real strong because here's how my thought process works

we see the kids in front of the grocery store and they're just throwing fucking money at them right and my thought process is how the fuck do they know their Boy Scouts they don't right how the fuck do they really know you don't check a Boy Scouts credentials, right? So there was this

fat kid, Seamus. He was like Cartman, you know, from South Park where his mom just gave him everything, right? Everything. So he was in, he had a Boy Scout outfit, so you know, we took it from him, me and my little brother, I put the shirt on my brother, put the hat on,

took a jar, and just fucking cleaned the house. Took the money and went to go see Octopus with Roger Moore. What did you say it was for? Like the 14th annual Boy Scout picnic something stupid like that. The only reason why we got caught is because one of my mom's friends saw us and like, I mean, we set up everywhere. We went door to door, saw us at the grocery store. I said, I didn't know your kids are in the boys. My mom's like, they're not,

you know, we know we were fucked. That's the worst, too. I stole the CYO tickets. They used to play. The Catholic Youth League? Yeah, I played Catholic Youth League, so they would give you 20 stickers at the beginning of the season and you had to come back with $20. You had to knock on people's doors and they said, I support. the Catholic youth organization. We found out where they kept those fucking things. And you said that's what you saw. We broke into all those things and we sold them ourselves

and kept the fucking dollar bills. I made a fortune on those fucking things. I used to steal papers out of the machines and sell papers by the bus station. When we were kids, man, I didn't fuck around. And I had money at the house, but the kids I hung out with, like I lived on 88th Street.

My mom had money, but the kids I hung out with the 148th, they didn't have money. Those kids taught me, care of business first. Like, why are we? They had a shakedown. At 12 and 11, they shook down business owners. They would go to business owners and go, hi, my name is Brent.

You know, we're looking for a summer job. Can we come here sweep and take your garbage out for a dollar a day? And people would say, no, they break their fucking windows. They break their fucking windows, these little Puerto Rican kids. This are Daniel brothers and the fucking Irish. And these kids were fucking serious about their fucking hustle. They hustled in the daytime. They don't know the trucks.

But if you didn't fucking pay them, they'd be. fucking break your balls. Me and my little brother would hustle like that. But we didn't ever broke, like we actually had a job. I went to this guy in a gas station when I was like eight and said, hey man,

can I crush boxes? We didn't have money. No money at all. My mom remarried later on. And, you know, my stepfather was a fucking gentleman. He took care of us. But, you know, we ended up,

they ended up going their ways, you know, but then staying back together. There was a whole bunch of shit going on with that. But, you know, that was my guy. I mean, later on, I don't want to. But when we were kids, there was no.

There was nothing. So my mom, you know, She was working two jobs, and this is even before we moved up to Jersey, and back up there. And me and my little brother always find a waste, man. Because, you know, we take shit. Fuck it. You know? But when I took the car, I stole the car in Jersey.

I was just riding shotgun, though. I had this one friend. You ever had that one friend growing up you just knew was going to go fucking go to jail? Like this one kid that, like, you know that friend? He's like always outside and shit. Like, it's like Wednesday, three in the morning. And this motherfucker is just, you know, outside. He has no, and he just, this kid was fucking horrible.

There was four of us. I don't know, I don't want to say names. But there was four of us. Me, my buddy Al, when you say Al, I'll say his first name. This other kid, Matt and Steve. And Matt and Steve, they both ended up going to prison. They're still there, from what I hear. I think one of them got out.

But there's a famous story in Persake that all the, if anybody here's listening, you'll know it. where this fucking kid stole an ambulance where the ambulance pulled up we were all at the quick check it's still there on main avenue across from friendlies this fucking kid pulled up got out

the ambulance driver got out left the keys in right this kid fucking jumped in and just took off with the fucking ambulance it's the greatest thing you've ever seen how old were you 12? Then we had this thing called Mickey Music

this is a great thing too because what he was saying like there's so much shit that would just happen and we were on Main Avenue and Mickey Music was all the way down and we're all hanging out Because we bought Herbie Hancock's Rocket.

Remember that song? And then I bought Run DMC, tougher than leather, I believe. What's the one with, I'm the king? King of Rock. Duh. Right? So we bought the King of Rock album. And we were all hanging out.

And this dude fucking gets nailed by a car. Right? Fucking nails him. And we were all like, oh shit. Right? The guy gets out. He's like, I'm sorry. dude's leg is mangled, right?

He gets up and just fucking pieces the guy that just boom, it just hits the motherfucker. And we were like, yeah. Everybody was cheering. He's trying to fuck him up. The dude that hit him starts fucking the guy up with the broken leg, man. After he's on the ground, the guy ain't going away

and just fucking, you know, De Niro kicking him is, what does Simone say? Doing the De Niro windmill, right? Just stomping him out, man. We were fucking, it was crazy. And then the cops come, everything, and then the thing, you're just sitting there going, all right, what do we do next?

We used to see shit like that all the time, man. It's really a crazy life. And like I said, I had no regrets about growing up in Jersey. You know, all that shit. And you cannot explain to people. For years, I would be very embarrassed about my stories. When I first moved to Aspen in 83, I met people and I would go to parties

and they would tell me their stories about Minneapolis where they grew up and I would go and I would just like throw little things out and watch them crumble. Yeah. Crumble and this is the 80s. Why do you think that is though? Like see I tell people stuff too

because South Florida was fucked up too. Yeah, South Florida was fucked up. My wife, you know, well I mean again she's a girl but like she doesn't know even her friends like she's like I don't know anybody that went to jail. And you've got, there was, you know, two of my fucking groomsmen, you know, and then there

was guys that one of my best friends just got out. She's, you know, and she's like, I don't know anybody. And you start to wonder, and that Sebastian doesn't know it. Like, there's so many people that don't have this shit. Like, why do you think that, do you think it's because so many people are just concentrated in one area that it's so fucked up? Or do you think, because, like, or do you think it's like, you know what I mean? Because people really don't have these.

fucking stories. I don't know when I first started dating my girlfriend, my wife. This like the six months I came home one night and she just broke down Terry. Terry just broke down one night. She goes, I don't even know if you could still live here. She goes, this is, I've never had, I've never met a person with this life. Like she goes, the phone runs at 3 in the morning and it's handpudized clay. Yeah. It's Marilyn Martinez, you know. You have friends that call you, they send you money. You call them cock suckers on the phone. You know, Maryland would call the house and answer, rest in peace. And she go, cock sucker. And my wife would go, what the fuck have you done? What, you know, who are these people? And then my friends came to visit me,

one sec of friends, and we all went out to lunch. And they were sitting there telling stories. And I could see my wife turning pale. And then later on, she goes, how the fuck did you guys? Yeah, it's, but I'll be honest with you, man, you want, that's the type of woman, I mean, at least for me. I liked the idea that my wife wasn't exposed to any of that. Yeah, me too. No, no, no, no, I don't. No, I know you. I'm just, I'm just, I'm not saying it dumb.

Shit, you guys have been around together forever. 14 years yesterday, and it's like. I remember when you met? It's the weirdest thing that, like, I won't even take out of Jersey with me. Now, all are your friends still around or what? Yeah. Yeah. None of them dead, none of them locked up still.

One good, two good, good friends died. One guy just told Lee, I wrote a letter to a friend of mine in the federal pen. Really? Yeah, I just told you did that. I wrote a letter to a friend of mine in jail. You didn't tell me. Jackie Kennel, he just went to jail about three months. He's right, what up, kid?

I know shit is rough doing your bed. He's in Lewis. He's a Fed, right? He's a Fed. That's Fed. And as I was writing the letter, I actually sat down and said, I'm writing somebody a letter in prison because, and I haven't spoken to Jackie in a while,

but it doesn't matter. I was in prison. I knew how I felt when I got a letter. That letter's going to brighten his fucking day. Dude, I just sent my buddy's father fucking four books. You got to send him through Amazon. Like, you can't just mail. You can't mail them.

You can't mail them. You can't send them direct. So I can't touch him. I can't even send them money. I got to send money to his wife and his wife has to put it in a special account. Like in the old days, I could send them money order. Yeah, you can send him cash and shit.

Oh yeah, the money order. If he says to me, like I wrote him in the letter, do you need anything? Let me know. So if he needs a book or something, I have his address now, and I just mail stuff to his, if he needs a TV or something, I can mail him a TV. I just know how important this is mail him a letter. Let me ask you this. I didn't know because my buddies in the Brooklyn fucking over there, yeah, over there.

But are you allowed to send? Because I just sent all paper back, but you can't send hard covers, right? Or do they have a rule against that? I don't. They give you a sheet and like when the person, when you write the letter and go, listen, Lee, if you need anything, bro, anything, just let me know.

50 bucks, 100 bucks. I don't want you to be in there without cash on your books. You always want to have cash on your books, you know? But sometimes they're like, you know what, man, I really need a cable box, a remote control, whatever, because they have a TV inside or something. They have to send it from the distributor.

So I can't just buy it for them at Walmart and send it to them. Right. So I don't know every place, every thing. Well, I just meant the fact that they have a hardcover book, that that could be a fucking weapon. Because I had another friend of mine that I was, I mean, this was, you know, one of my best friends. And this motherfucker got nothing.

Anything I sent nothing. They hated him there. Like, I guess the warden was being a dick. He's out now. We call him the worst because he's like the worst guy he's ever met in your life. and and that a great nickname the worst is amazing

if you listen to worst I'll tell him to tell he'll love this shit but he got nothing none of my letters nothing they just fucking he just fucking gave him nothing

not even when he left I sent him a letter with one word like as a joke just to make him laugh you know so it's an inside joke never got that shit

I don't know what the fuck man he was up in up in Georgia it's amazing that people end up Like, I have a friend Mike Denny, who I loved growing up. And he was a friend of mine good enough. After I left North Carolina, I never kept in touch with him.

He's doing time for killing his wife in North Carolina. Like, shit like that, you know. You know, I'm not here to judge nobody. If I had his address, I would write him a letter also. I mean, I had a lot of good times. I went to a couple of aerosmith concerts and shit. Yeah, I went to see Arrow Smith a few times. Dude, that's the weird part, too, man.

It's like, I don't know. We used to, but yeah, it's like you think of them back then and it's just a different person sometimes, you know. I had a friend Jose Hortado who when I was 15, I knew he was going to jail. Yeah, that's the kid I'm talking about one friend you just know. I had a friend in the eighth grade, Charlie Gizzy, every time a plane went by, he got up and had a fake machine and he shoot the plane down in the middle of class.

So whatever teacher was teaching, whatever the teacher was. Like this kid's got fucking problems. As soon as he'd see a jet, he'd get up on the fucking thing. and go, da-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-and the teacher would go, Mr. Gizzy, are we interrupting you, and you're taking down a mig? You know what I'm saying? Like, it was always something hysterical. He ended up killing fucking him and his brother, beat somebody a debt on five corners.

You know, it doesn't surprise you. I'm sure that when you looked at me in I was 15, you didn't think I was going to end up in prison, but when you saw me at 18, once you saw me at 18, you're like, his days are fucking number. Here's a good question for you. When you became a comic that every person, everybody know they were like fuck yeah we knew we knew you'd be able to do it or were there people that were like because I know that in my group of friends that they were like they were always like we knew you do stand-up but people that knew me but didn't know me were like that

guy does fucking stand-up you know what I mean like were people shocked that you got into this business um my my closest friends just laughed at me like they just thought I was crazy but but you knew you knew I didn't know When I was growing up, not at all. I didn't know, I didn't know for sure until 1987, right before I got arrested. Now, by the way, when I say a kid, I'm still saying under 21. No, I had no idea. No idea, right?

No. Up to the age of 25, I was going to be a professional thief. Right. Like James Conn, the movie thief. Yeah, that's it. I was going to, learn how to circumvent alarms and wire them and police scanners and insurance scams. I was going to do all. That's what my life ambition was to do.

If I needed to fucking bury, I'd bury it to. I didn't give a fuck. And then it's the weirdest thing, because I didn't think about this until I was writing. I'm trying to write a book. And about three months before I got arrested that I committed to crime was when a guy, I sold cars with pulled me aside.

And he goes, I don't mind. This guy didn't say shit. And he was white. He was a white dude. Like, you know, a guy that had nothing to, say to me and I ever had nothing to say to him. Like a white, white guy. Like a white guy. Like the Italian say to

the metagons. The white bread mayonnaise. Yeah, he fucked with his sheet with a hole in it. Him and he wore a... He wasn't an acidic? Don't do it. Yeah. Yeah, that's what you... He had a, he would wear a shirt with a pocket thing. Pocket protector?

Pocket protector? He fucked with his sheet in the hole and he was, he always got into arguments with the other salesmen, so I never really said nothing to him. You know, he was very by the book. He was very American. He was very, but just a little bit of everything. So what? He came to you for? He came to him, the outside. And he goes, can I talk to you for a second?

I was like, oh, here we going. He goes, hey, man, I don't know if you know what I did before I sold cars. I'm like, I don't know what you did. And he goes, I was the entertainment director at Bubba in Vegas for 18 years. He goes, my son passed and I had to move back and all this. He goes, I don't know if you know this. You should be a comedian. And I'm looking at this guy like. What the fuck are you talking about? Get the fuck. I got a grandma blow in my pocket.

What can be like, those guys on TV? He goes, you could do it. I've seen you out here. He goes, if you like, I can make a few calls for you. I was like, all right, man. I'll think about it. I'm like, is this guy fucking put me on? But it stayed in your head.

You kept thinking about him. No. I was like, this fucking guy's retarded. And then somebody else said something to me. And that was it. And then I got locked up. And when I got locked up. On Thursday nights, they would have movie night.

One of those nights, Tuesday, Wednesday. Monday, Tuesday, when? They went Thursday, Tuesday. And it was, you know, this place probably had 120 convicts. You know, let's say 35 white dudes, 20 Mexicans, and the rest were hardcore black motherfuckers. Right. You know what I'm saying?

Like just black motherfuckers with Afro picks and they had, the names were graveyard. Now in prison, did you go with the white guys, the Latino guys? I slid right through. Yeah, because I'm saying... I hooked up with this gangster that was in there for extortion. A big, fat Italian dude. Yeah.

He was from Brooklyn, but he got caught doing something in Denver on a trip, and he was stuck there. So he ran a pool, a gambling pool, in the prison on Monday nights and during the season, and he couldn't fucking do... He didn't make much money. He only did some Italians, some people from the East Coast. and some white dudes. And I would go over there and put bets in.

One day I go, bro, what the other? No, I can't do it because I don't have a full card. I mean, you don't have a fucking full card. It's a dollar. Give me that fucking card. And I went out there. I started talking to the blacks to gamble because the blacks stand amongst themselves, the Mexican stand amongst themselves.

So I sold the card. And he goes, can you sell another card? Tomorrow? I go, bro, I can sell 10 of these. This is what I do. That's what I do. A dollar? I can get a dollar on anybody.

So wait. He's worried. about the books being even, even. Because on the pool, on the pool, you have those boxes. Unless all the boxes are filled, you can't have a pool. So he would get out of the 20 boxes, he'd get 14 filled. So I had to get my dollar back. I couldn't enjoy the Monday football game.

You know, that's all, you know, you gamble to watch the game. So you can yell and go, those people that go to big wings and yell for no reason, I got no time to talk to them. But they got money? Oh, for no reason? Yeah. Because I'm yelling. I got money on the game.

All right. If I got money on the game, I throw tables. that's when it's fun. I don't want to watch a game just for the sake of watching a fucking game. I don't give a fuck. But I put $100 in the game. I'm watching that game.

Commercials. I don't fucking want. I don't miss a fucking thing. I totally. I don't have time for games. But I bet $20 on a fight or something. I watch that motherfucker. Because now I have an emotional connection to it.

That's why people, when they watch the Super Bowl, you got to throw something on the game. You got to throw something on the game. But my wife, you know, I'm screaming at the TV. You know, like, she's like, it's just a game. I'm like, yeah. That's what you think. You have no idea.

You know the way, like, sometimes you go off, right? Like, sometimes even Lee goes off, but he doesn't know. Like, sometimes I'll break his balls in the car. Lee, eat the fucking other. Yeah, yeah. I woke up at six. You know, that little thing is funny. When people throw, what's it called, the rant of anger, it's very funny.

So I used to work the kitchen. And the black guys would come through and go, Cuba, what's up? What's up with them ribs? Can I get an extra one? No, you can't get a fucking extra You know, and I would tell him the truth. What the fucking think this is? The fucking is, you would think?

I get an extra one because I don't want to even fucking get an extra one. Leave me the fucking long. You know, I love your black power. What I fuck out of it. And they would die of laughter. They would die. Fucking Cubas this shit. God damn.

You know, I tell them shit. Go, get the fuck. You ain't get no extra piece of chicken, bitch. Get the fuck out of here. You want a piece of chicken? Yeah, how are you going to hook me up? Go find me the second Earth Win and Fire album. And they would look at me and die a fucking laughter.

You motherfucker. And you know I can't get that in here. You want some chicken tonight. You don't have to come up with the second round. Can I love? I would torture him, you know. And one day we would watch those stupid fucking movies on Thursday nights. Stupid, whatever.

Like Disney borderline, like PT 109 and shit. And the fucking projector would always break. Like in the fucking classroom. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And after the third time, I went off one night. I'm like, you motherfuckers, right in the fucking there. I'm like, you motherfuckers, you got money for this.

I don't even know what I said. But you ain't got money for a fucking projector? Why don't we all chipping a dollar and get a fucking projector? And I went off and they're like, oh, shit. And the black guys started laughing. So now every time the projector broke, the black guys would start yelling, Cube up. Cube up.

Cube up. That is your chance to do you stand? And I have to get up on the table and they give me five minutes until they glued back the fucking thing. Hey, everybody's in. And I would go off on the black. on the black guys, I golf on the, man, look at this fucking half a junkie, looking for a cotton ball. Because, you know, junkies, when they shoot whatever, they have a lid, like a lid, and then they have the water in there, and they have a cotton ball.

And what you do is you put the needle in the cotton ball, and you suck it out so it doesn't pick up anything. I don't know exactly that thing. But some of those junkies sell a cotton ball. Like, that's how low in your life you get, like, dog. I got the cotton ball, and they're like, dog, I'm about to shoot. What's left in the cotton ball? You know what I'm saying?

So I would make fun of him for the cottonball. Just dumb shit. And one day I used to go to his library, and there was this dude in there. It was five foot six. He always wore a hat with glasses. He was the librarian. He would roll his own cigarettes,

and he would say, Who gots? Who gots? So he was a tenant? No. He was a white dude from Buffalo. And I asked him, I go, what's up with that dude? He don't talk.

And he goes, listen. When people don't talk, they don't want to get talked to either, Liam alone. As a matter of fact, he killed his wife and a boyfriend, a double homicide with a knife or something. So I kept going to the library and just getting the paper. But he would watch the movies. He'd be there moving and one night. This guy's like, hey man, he gave me a notebook. And he goes, when you get out of here, you should really try comedy. He goes, but I got you. This is a presence. You can write your jokes. And I go, what jokes? And he goes, so you mean on Thursdays you go up there with no material?

I don't even know what material is. I didn't know nothing. Right, right. I didn't know nothing, Brett. He was filling me in. Like, material is what you say on stage. You didn't know that? And I go, no.

Because when you get out of here, you better fucking do this. So I'm going to break out and shoot you. I forgot the guy's name. You know, I don't know what the guy's name is. I should write him a letter and send him $10 for getting me into it. But that was my experience when I got locked up, you know.

It was pretty interesting. Anybody watch the Transformers is out this week? Yeah. Well, they've been interviewing Marky Warburg. I don't know if you know, Marky Warburg went to jail. Yeah, he went to Julie for knocking somebody's eyeball out of the head in Boston and Southie or somewhere in Boston.

Where the fuck he's from? And they locked them up for six months. And, you know, people think that when you get locked up, I thought I was done. I thought I was done. I thought that my life was done because I was just going to go in and become a better criminal. Which I did in many ways. you're learning to him

but you're not done it's up to you and he wasn't done he sure as fuck said they ask him they go when did you realize he goes as soon as you hear that fucking door lock you know that he goes

I wanted to come out and make my mom proud and that was the same thing with me I let my friends down I had no family I let my friends down I had to do something to

I didn't know I was going to do this I didn't know I was going to move out to LA but I wanted to do something for the ones that backed me all those years for the ones that did send me the $10. I was in jail. You felt like you disappointed him. I disappointed them, bro.

You don't know what going to jail... People always say, if you have a heartbeat, people always think going to jailers, you're going to get fucked in the ass. Yeah, man, black people talk all night, and, you know, it's hysterical, and you laugh. I laughed a lot when I went away. But it's the people that come busy you.

Like, if Lee had to come visit me in jail, just me looking at his fucking face, just because I know Lee, and I know what the fuck he's thinking, I would feel bad after, Lee left because I know Lee, Lee's going to feel bad for a week. But you, but you're, but you would feel bad

if you're like, there's nothing to feel bad about. There's nothing to feel bad about. I'm kicking ass and I'm giggling, I'm selling fucking lottery tickets, but I know Lee and I know how much Lee likes me. I know he would go home and tell his girlfriend, fuck, you know, I think I should borrow money to get Joey out. Like, that's how much your friends

to get disappointed. I could do the time. I could still do the time. But I would let so many fucking people down. So, it's amazing. that you, because you're a very sweet guy, but you understand that well, Ari is a very sweet guy, but he also

had a relative at the time. That's why Ari and me are such good friends. Well, I was on trial, man. Yeah. And that's where I, I mean, people laugh and they always say how come you believe in God or how do you know? I don't know. I believe in God.

But I always say, I know the devil exists. So if that motherfucker is there, then God's got to be there. You understand what I mean? Because I remember sitting on trial, I did something stupid. Like I kicked this kid in the head when I was younger when he was handcuffed. And then like the state was pressing forward. And long story, boring.

I'm sitting there. And I'm just thinking, what the fuck, man? What am I doing? You know? Like, what am I doing? But it was a letter I got from a kid named Jose Cosme from the Bronx that I played ball with. What happened was there was another friend of mine that I remember we were out one night. and he called me over and he just told me,

he goes, you're so much, you're so much better than this. Like, you know what I mean? And I'm like, what do you mean? And he was a tough, he was a tough street guy. He says, you better than all this shit, man. You should go do something, man. You don't belong here.

You know? He goes, you just don't, man, you don't fit in with us. And he goes, and you ever have that one guy that you're just, I don't know about your friends, but there's always that one dude that nobody expects to be the deepest motherfucker to talk to. You know, that one guy you just connect with, where you'll be out till six in the morning.

and talking about life and all this other stuff. So when my friends had opened that club in Atlanta, and I played my first year, I played Division II football, and I wanted to play again. It just didn't work out at that school and ended up getting thrown out. And then I got back in, but then I tried to go to Florida State,

and I couldn't get in, so I was in Tallahassee for a while. And then when I came back down to South Florida is when I got in trouble, so I couldn't stay there. And then I was on trial, and I thought I was going away for just. just a year, you know. Just a year. Well, it was county.

It was just county. But I'm saying like, even then, you're like, fuck. But I wouldn't even let my mom. They wouldn't let me plead out, man. I had a mistrial that I was able to plead no contest the next time. But I just remember sitting there going, God, I'm fucking wasting everything. So I had to get a job. I couldn't leave.

You know what I mean? Because I was on probation. And then, long story boring. I'm working at this club. And they were about to move. up to Atlanta and open this club and they're like, you know, I might be able to go with them, whatever. And this kid walked in that I was friends with a long time ago. And he says, yo, he's like, you ain't playing football no more? He saw me at the front. I'm like, nah, man.

He's like, I can get you on my team. So then that's when I was like, then my kid that my friend ended up telling me, he's like, yo, you should go and you should go better yourself. So I left that world, right? But he always told me, you know. So anyways, I played two and a half years up at Long Island University of CW Post. I graduate and now this Puerto Rican kid was like, dude, he used to cut my hair with the clippers, you know? Because I got that, you know,

that nappy fucking guinea hair, Sicilian fucking so, and then I get the letters and he used to tell me that. So then I come home, trying to figure out what I'm going to do, get this letter and it's from him. And he's like, yo, I just passed a comedy club, man.

And I was thinking about doing stand-up. And then that kind of put me over and I went to an open mic and then where was this in florrie miami yeah so you started at the miami improv no i started at this place called comedy zone on uh it was in south beach and then i used to work uncle funnies and funny and comedy corner and all that that's how i met schubert man and i know Mitch headberg was had already tosh was about to leave when i started so tosh was ahead of me so tosh was about to move where tosh started in orlando but he was in miami for a while he used to host like this this uh public access a show called tens.

But I knew him in the open mic scene down there, but he was like a big year. 97? 98? Because I was going to Miami in 98. And I went to the improv. First I went to Uncle Funnies in 97. Dorffman's room.

Dorffman's room with Jim Florentine. And Miko headline 19. And the next night I did it with Marshall Warfield. The Black Lady who died. Yeah, of course. She was from Nightcourt. So I featured for her. It was a fucking nightmare.

That was just too real for me. Then a year later, Sarah and I started putting me in the improv. But I remember when they opened the club in South Beach. That's right. They opened it. It lasted 90 days. It wasn't even that. It was maybe like a half a year.

Yeah, it wasn't that long. That's the first place I got out. That's amazing. Then you went to Uncle Fonnie's. Well, then what put me over is that kid that told me that I should do something. He ended up getting killed. And I just remember, I just remember him always giving me those pep talks. You know what I mean?

I found that he got killed later on But that he always gave me those fucking pep talks Like you better than this you know I ain't gonna say his name because you could Google it And then uh fuck man so then that's you know that I'm like I want I want to change you know what I'm saying And just do better and just moved out here and I haven't any I'll be you might want to smack me in the face I haven't stolen a pack of gum since I was 24 or 25 like I haven't even done anything since then But you know

I just thought it was bad karma You know, it's funny because you asked me a really interesting question. If you pull this kid's picture out, I'm going to fucking shit right now. You asked me a really interesting question about people. You know, like when you first told your crazy friends, hey, can you give me a favor? Can you drive me into the city? You know, and I go, for what? And I go, don't say nothing.

I'm doing stand-up. Oh, that's good. And then some would tell me a joke, you know. And you didn't really have a joke or whatever. And the guy that was most excited, I remember me going to him one day and going, hey, dog, give me a ride today. And he was like, fuck, and this guy was the real deal.

When he died, he was going to go on trial for attempted murder for $60. Because he gave the guy $60. This was one of my best friends. And he, and the guy fucking Rob. The guy fucked him. And he goes, I was going to kill him. And everybody was like, it was over $60. And he kept saying, it wasn't a $60.

It was the principal, man. And that same guy tried to rob me A couple years earlier with the same scam Is this in New York? This is in Jersey. In Jersey, Jersey. And look at this fucking guy. I mean, as soon as you see him,

you know he's a fucking criminal. He won, that was when he took Mr. Second in New Jersey for that weight division. I mean, this guy, I seen him get hit with bottles. I've seen him fucking destroy people. I mean, this guy was hilarious. And his name was Darren Raygo. Yeah, yeah.

He takes him all over my house because... He's a guy that helped me get him. into it? I mean, I would call him, I used to sell cars at night, and to get home, this is how broke I was, to get home, I would go into the service bays and steal change from all the cars. And there were some nights, there was no cars in there. I would call him up at his house. He'd be with his wife. He had to be at work at 6, and I tell him, I got no money, I got to be at stand-up in New York at 10-15. Sit right there, and he fucking pick me up, take me the stand-up New York. One time, he took me to Carolines for an open-might talent contest.

And when the talent contest finished, they just had a regular talent contest. Anybody could sign up. This motherfucker signed up and took first place. He did? That's how funny. You know what I'm saying? He was so excited.

And I still talk to his cousin until this day. Him and his cousin are very tight. And he'll always say to me, you know, Darren was alive. He'd probably be out here with me right now. And he probably would have smacked 15 people. He would have been a fuck. He would have been doing time.

But he either would have been doing comedy or he would have been out of here. You know? And it's so funny that. out of all the influences I had, he was, I think of him all the time. All the time, this time I'm just driving, I'm thinking of something funny, and I think of what would he say? Like shit like that.

Like, it's amazing the people who took us through this journey. And he was only, he died in 99. He died. When my friend was killed, he had just gotten out. And he, that was, I was already out here, you understand? So I had already, but it was, I don't know, it was what, it was his talk. and this letter that made me do it, you know. And then, you know.

But, you know, a lot of, fuck, man. A lot of the stories that comics have as far as when they get in. I don't think they have many. They're like, well, I just did an open mic. But, you know, it's funny because I was telling my wife this too, man. You know, when, especially when things are taken away from you very young, your friends mean everything don't they like when you're growing

I mean for you at least I had a mom I had brothers then I had a stepfather later on that you know I loved I do love the guy I loved him the death but there was always so much things going on but your friends were always there but I moved so fucking much Joey

that I would make friends and leave make friends and leave and here's what I love about comedy now I've seen every fucking body I grew up with that's still alive or, you know, are still around. Me too. When I'll go, like, I got friends in fucking, in, I'm in Anchorage, Alaska.

Did you remember doing Lucas gig out there with Vito? Yeah. That was a fucking great place. And then, you know, I had a buddy that I knew from high school there or friends from middle school now. Every time I do Jersey, I've seen all my best friends. You know what I mean? And that's what I love about going out and stuff. But I get to see all those people, you know.

Can you get contact high off of that shit? No, this is needs sake. No, that thing. The vapor stuff? Maybe why you feel high. I feel a little mellow right now. This is the whole batois. Look at Lee.

Oh, I'm almost going to. He's nice and mellow. Look at him. His face is red and shit. I thought we were going to do the music. Must be the music. What do you want to hear? Put on...

All right, what do you want to hear? I don't know. D-Train's fucking great. Yeah, let's do a little D-Train. We should start talking music. Can I piss? Yeah, go piss. Give him a key and we'll get the, we'll get this pissing.

Here we go, cock suckers. We're taking you back. A little 1980 fucking three-act. You know what this song was great? really quick. I know this is D-Train, right? And your love, calm down. Oh, shit. But remember that song? Call me! No, it sounds like this. It was,

here's my number and a dime. Call me. Anytime. Call me. As a matter of fact, put that in. Call me. Look on love. What's the name of the song you'll make? Call me. Go outside. That's a great one.

Oh shit, people. Midnight in some parts of the country. It's like 3 a.m. fucking Australia, but we're here. The church of what's happening now. Flavor, the flying Jew, Brett Ernst, bringing it to you live. By, uh, who? Which call me, you got, not Blondie.

Not Blondie, I have, uh, shine down, let me look for older ones. No, I don't got it. You don't have a regular call me? Not from, I have Blondie, but you said not Blondie. No, it's not Blondie. Call me 1988, to, look for disco.

Call me, 1982 disco hit. It's on there. Bo-Bum-Bump, bum, p-b-boom. And they have it, and it looks like it's a 45. Okay. If you look at that road, I'll tell you. Don't make me go over that karate jumping in that.

At least I have fucking coming at you direct. Let me give you some shout-outs real quick. Oh, Saroni? Let's see, try it on there. John Wolf G. I love you, cock-sucker. Michael Tramwell, Dwayne Satter-White. Tim Kessler, that's not it. Paint D, painter D

Uki, spooky, I love you, sexy bitch And David Sianz. I want to give you some shoutouts Because I love you, cock suckers And don't forget as always Our main motherfuckers over there on it Making your life better Whether it's, I think there was a sale going on

On all of the What's the milkshake? Hempforce products, 15% off till midnight I seen Joe had tweeted It early on But any way you put it, go to Onet For all your fucking needs Whether it's the alpha brain

For the eutropics Whether it's the motherfucking shroom tech Whether it's the strong bone Whether it's the digestive ease They have so many things going on That I can't even talk about it I can't even fathom So do me that favor

Go to Onit.com See what's cracker lacke and they got ropes They got fucking kettlebells They got find it from please Because he can't find it Is this it? Bill Wolfram? Right over there. Look for him. Look for him

because he can't find that. What's he looking for? Call me, call me. Go to honor. com, go to joeydeers. Dot net. Go to Yonet Brockson Press. Church.

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just like Dollar Shave Club. Let's listen to it, a guy for a second. This is, it was Sky. Sky. Sky. Listen to this more. You know how many fucking lines of blow I did to this?

You know how many times I dance with a bitch and cop the tick feel? So fucking Joe. You're high school right here. This is 82 right here. Listen to these black dudes playing the drums. Fuck the guy from the roof. Listen to this motherfucker. What?

What? Wash your pussy. It's Wednesday. Sitting in. Talking to your bad friend. What? Here we go, motherfuckers. Oh, shit. Things ain't working out with your girlfriend.

What? Do it with Lee. Now you're searching for someone new. Someone to hold you tired. Someone to treat your eye. So your girlfriend's. A friend of mine is my number and a dime. Call me anytime.

Call me. What? If you need someone who talks to. Call me Satisfaction Guarantee Call me When you need someone to talk to

Call me Hey Joe Call me Boom You got the shit Now do you like See I went to Because I went to so many schools

I went to predominantly A lot of predominant black schools Like Shout out to Bethune Elementary By the way Whenever a school has like a name After like somebody is something to do

with like the civil rights movement you know there's like Malcolm X Shabazz Middle school I went to Bethune Elementary Lincoln number four that was these were these were kind of rough

you know rough school Castle Hill deep side Lauder Hill what if you're listening so I didn't hear any rock man it was all like like Planet Rock Africa searching for the perfect beat put in Africa Bambata

searching for the perfect beat when he goes beat this boom boom boom boom B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-T-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-... What you think I like your... We're taking it deep tonight, people. And by the way, and my mom and dad, well, my real father, they loved disco, so they were always dancing. Odyssey, that song, you're a native...

Oh, shit. Oh, you're a native... You should know the score. You should know the score by now. You're a native... Oh, shit. Oh, shit. If you're black, break out the afro-chene.

We're getting down to my cop-suffis. Oh shit. Real African of Mbada right here. We ain't fucking around. Constantine, you gotta give Big Daddy Kana to call in, Doc Sucker. You were saying that you call in, you hang out with him. That would be great. You're jumping up and down with him.

We'll bring birdhance in this motherfucker. And we'll have fucking Big Daddy Kank all up. Stop fucking around. Here it comes. Here it comes. Ready? Here it comes. Ready?

Here it comes. Oh shit. Oh shit. We're talking about people. You don't know what the fuck's going on here. Look at these shit. Cherry cannabis soda. I drank it.

He's dancing. Who's better than you, Coxuck? I'm fucking high by osmosis. I'm telling you right now. Put on illusion. Okay. It was the theme song to FX at the end.

Illusion was a little disco song. Oh, fuck yeah. That's the guy that did all the special effects, right? Not that one? Who's saying? Do you know? What's on there? What songs are on there?

Illusion. Put an FX soundtrack. Okay, because it's coming up with like non-music stuff and you put illusion. Of course it is. Nobody knows this shit. Illusion, FX. All right. You see it?

Well, your girlfriends, a friend of my. Is this? This is a jam people. That sounds like Van Halen running with the devil. What was that? Did you fucking browser pop up? No, it's the fucking movie. Yeah, that's what I mean.

Trying to get to the front of the credits. Oh, no, it's the end of the movie? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Put down from the beginning. This was a fucking jam! This is at the end when he shakes up Brian, Brian Denny's hand. And they get away with the...

Keep going. I remember the movie. Do anything else. Right. Listen to that little organ. Listen to that motherfucker. That little organ. And when this jam comes...

Dog, I get tears in my eyes. I don't even want to mention a girl. I used to take her out and we would dance. We do a couple bumps, a half of lewd. I wouldn't even fucking make love, though. I wouldn't even suck a titty's nothing. It was all about dancing and getting fucked up and just seeing her hips move

and looking at her feet with the fucking toenails done and those high heels. Damn it! Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. This song right here. You got me, man.

This is the end of 82. This is the summer of 82. This is tremendous. That's the guy who did all the special effects, right? Yes, and then he got, with Jerry Orbach was the mobster. Jerry Orbach played, ooh, do, do, do, ah. Illusion. Oh, wait.

Too, do, too, too. Yeah, I know that song. This is a fucking jam. There's a, hold on, hold on. This was like a, this was on a radio and shit. Oh, shit. This was on 987, Kiss, Master Mix. This was fucking, oh, yeah, kiss, master mix.

And because I know everyone's going to ask on Twitter, it's called Just an Illusion imagination. Here, put that on again, because that, when it. They go off. That's what me and this girl would just go off. Right now, you're just dancing slow with this free.

Right? You're just dancing. That what? What? It's just the... No, bitch. Shake that motherfucker. What?

What? Wednesday night, motherfuckers. What are you doing? Watching dancing with the fucking stars or some shit. Let me tell you. Let's see. Now, if this shit brings back memories,

put in body mechanic. You know that song? Oh, I got to hear it. Oh, it's fuck. Now this song, remember I told you all this shit? It reminds me like fighting and stuff. Every time I was at like a fucking part. I remember being 14, 15 going to like these warehouse parties.

Shout out to Tom Quigley, by the way. This, yeah, turn this up, dog. You know this? Oh shit. Oh, shit. This sounds like something Tony Hinchke would dance to. Oh, shit. Luca, why put this on for Luca? Remember?

Yeah, because that's the same way me and Luca bonded when I first came out of here. Driving around. Remember he used to drive around to fucking Lincoln? And I put this shit in and he fucking lost it because he's like, Dude, this is 86th Street in Brooklyn. He's like, we used to drive and cruise. Because down in Fort Lauderdale, we used to cruise the strip. I had, listen to this shit, Uncle Joey.

15, 16 years old. Are you kidding me? I had a 1984 Ford Escort, right? Station wagon. Everyone drop it right now. I had a station wagon that I hooked up two 15s in the back, right? Piece of shit car. Fucking Pyramid EQ, Fosgate Am, no electronic crossover, just a voice coil.

right and a clarion receiver and I put my tape in because back then distortion oh you got to put it and play at your own risk that one you got it play at your own risk Lee did you eat all the espresso beans

yeah there's something there you got two more in there they got two see back then did you do the stereo you didn't do the stereos right the base you put the quarter on the fucking and the thing to see how far away that time I was gone yeah yeah that was done huh yeah that's like 87 88

88 I was gone 87 I was already I was in the death of epic pour some sugar on me I was gone from New York And my friends would send me Mix tapes But it wasn't the same

It wasn't the same as being there This is this is 83, 84 Turn up 82 apparently 82 right You know this Wait until the kicks in I don't remember this

Oh shit Well Well yeah Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit Oh shit

You might have to run out For a nickel bag This is a real shire I got a good Uncle Joey story. All right. 12 years old, my cousin, I went on a drug deal. He'll love this shit, all right? We're just children with your name, man.

You got to finish him. Pop that shit, right? I would eat him if I'd never had anything like that. I've never even smoked weed before, you know that. I told you. You don't need to do nothing. You're a good man. I'm good already.

By the way, you're probably going to get this on Twitter. Fucking 800 people tweeting what a pussy you don't smoke. You know why I got that wacky gene? I don't want to fuck with it. I'll take it to. I'm one of those guys, I'll take it even higher, and then higher. And that's why I just stay level. Some of my best friends don't even get high, and I like that,

because not everybody's supposed to be the same. That's why the world is the way they're all fucking different. That's what makes it special. Anyway, so I'm with my cousin, right? Gozay, come for a ride, and you got to look this song up. You got to look up, point of no return by Expozac. Tremendous. So, yeah, this triple.

That's my fucking jam, 87. He had like this 1984. What was the name of the aisle? The album was called... Exposé. It was off their first album. No shit. That album was tremendous.

That's a great. There's a lot of good love songs on that shit, too. Let me... Be the one... To hold on to your dream. This song. So anyway, so we're driving around, right? He goes with me, he goes, hey, come on me for a ride.

Now, here's something that people don't know. When you have, like, friends or family that are going through, like, the 12-step program, there's this step where they apologize to you for shit that you don't even know they fucking did, right? So I found this out later in life. So I'm rolling with my cousin, right? He says, hey, take a ride with me. And we're driving all over, man. I'm Monroe Street in Passaic, downtown by the Sports Center, A&E Sports Center.

What? What? So we're driving around, and he's blasting his song, but he just keeps making stops. You know what I'm saying? So that was it. Took me home. We hung out all day. He bought me ice cream.

It was a fucking good time. So later on, I'm like, yeah, you got to keep this on. That's a jam. That's a jam. That's a jam. So he's in his Cadillac convertible. He had the fucking white walls on. No.

Seems just like a dream It's a mystery to me Dantan, dan, dun, da- So later on in life You fucking kidding Don't turn that off, I'll bite your finger Yo, so I get this I like the end

I get this call from him Later on, I'm older And he was, you know, going through some shit And he called me and he said, look, I want to apologize to you for this, you know And he told me when I was 12 years old He goes, I was doing shit, you know I wasn't supposed to be doing And I just was like, what are you apologizing for?

That's fucking awesome I'm writing shotgun with you listening to expose while you're fucking Dropping shit off. Come on, man. Who's better than me? But this song reminds me of that shit. This was one of the first videos they put off from the aisle,

and they had a white chick in the band. A long-legged white chick, I loved her. There was a Filipino girl. There was Joya, was the Italian one. The Italian one. And then there's a white chick. That was just really cute. Didn't they keep replacing one, though?

They kept them. It was Miami. They were doing blow. How long was a girl going to last down there? She's sucking dick that ruins your vocal cords. You know, sperm ain't good for that. They tell you that when you're swallowing it. But when you're fucking...

Dude, fuck that. I'm trying to swallow it. When you go to the doctor, he's like, I'm going to sperm you're swallowing. No one of your voices is going away. Lee Syatt, you bad motherfucker. Look at you. What are you got playing for the weekend, Cox? What are you taking the wife?

Is he going to the point in or return? Lee? Leave it on. Leave it on. Don't know. Okay. Her mom is making Karni and Sata, which is hysterical because spending 4th of July with a Mexican family. And that's it. She wants to go see that new horror

movie? Delivered some evil or something? Hey Lee, how old are you? 25. Are you serious? Yeah. So you're going to sit there with your eyes close because you don't like Ironmore? I don't. He don't know any of this shit. No. That's why he's here. You got to take him to the fucking school. His father sent him to me like Fredo.

They sent him out to Vegas. His father sent him to me. With respect. You don't talk to him in like Mo Green like that? They set them, you know, via respect. You straighten my brother out. You straighten my brother out. That's the main man. What are he doing for the four to?

You're going over there all day? Yeah, her mom's going to... You know, they'll fucking shoot you down there, so you wear something neutral. Don't blue, no red. Where's she from? Inglewood. Yeah, no red, no red, no red.

No, I mean, wait, no blue zone. They're all red over there. I don't wear... I just... I mean, they're... They're actually kind of cool down there, but I just don't make eye contact with most of them. Well, that's what they...

That's what she said. She fucking was like, every time I go there, we have to clean out my car, it's all in the trunk. And she's like, And I saw a car that was on blocks And then I was like, is that going to happen To me?

I was like, great This is my part right here. Crick that motherfucker Right here, what? I want to love you and reason What? Take me. Hey, when this

What song, when you went to the roller rink? Which roller skating rink did you go to, by the way, when you were a kid? Uh-huh, uh, yeah, yeah. Did you ever go to the rink?

What roller rink did you go to? I went to one in Parramus. Was it United Skates of America? You know what, bro. Let me tell you what happened. I was dating this girl. I used to dry hump. That's it.

We were that young. We just dry hump. Nothing else. No tit, no nothing. She just let me dry hump standing up, which is a fucking nightmare. She wouldn't even let me take it to the floor. I remember argue with her like in the 6th grade.

Just let me dry hump you in the floor in the bathroom. And she's like, are you fucking crazy? How are you doing standing up? Are you just dry hump at her? I like pick her up and burn calories that way. Then I got to dry hump it. Like you come right away. Against the wall, like if I had one leg, and it was a fucking nightmare.

I think I might be high, man. I know you are. I feel a little fucking weird. I love it. This is what you support. This is the energy. This is the patois. This is what the church does to you.

Yeah. So I used to go with her and her grandmother. It was that type of relationship. Like, and her older brother who was a scumbag. In fact, I seen him on Facebook the other hand. I almost said something to that motherfucker. Is he still hold a grudge? Oh, I hate that motherfucker because he never liked me.

He always resented to me. And then shit happened between. us later on in life three years later and he got really bad but uh we used to go roller skate and you know the same things you know yeah we go but there was always that one guy that was an unbelievable older than everybody yeah and the girls were like swoon over him because but he was fucking 50 yeah he was a fucking loser you know you the girl that you're with is 13 and this guy's 25 so that's why you like that bit because you saw it and you're like fuck yeah I can I can relate to that oh no I

understood exactly when you said that years ago I'm like oh my my god but one time I went and the cool guy this how dumb and naive I was the cool guy was skating and he went around a turn and he fell and his wig fell off dog and the fucking skating ring stop and everybody watched him put his wig back up on his head his face I'll never forget how red his face was like if that guy could crawl in the hole and fucking bury himself that moment like he was a cool guy but he had the full head rod stewart type wig? Yeah.

Which, bro, I didn't even know he had a wig. Like, I didn't know about wigs in those days. I had no fucking idea that meant more wigs. That's how naive I was.

Something. The glue didn't work. This motherfucker went, and we never went skating again. That role, and it was disgusting. You had to wear. Rented skates or people's foot fungus. The brick pads were

fucked up. I wasn't into that shit. I used to love that shit, man. It was like nightclub for kids. I used to go to Wallington Stadium. Oh, that's what it was. Yeah, the Wallington Panthers. That was the high school.

Wallington Panthers. I went to Wallington Skating Center. Because right here was Passaic Stadium. You ever been through Persakein, no? You've got Cops Sacks Dad? And you said you cop Sax? I did you guys in high school? The Christmas tournament one year.

They flipped a bus on it on freshman year. So wait, what year did you graduate? 82. Oh, 82. So in 78. Was Craig Hayward there yet? Yeah. He was?

Because he must have been like a freshman or something. Craig Hayward was a senior when we graduated. No, he couldn't. He graduated 82. No, he got 86. Graduated with my brother. Did he really? 85.

85 he went to pit that's right he was a sophomore when I was a senior you're right he went he went he went to pit bear he died yeah yeah he died his son's playing though that's how that's how old uh his son plays he probably got a kid pregnant yeah probably like 12 or some shit I went to school with his brothers and then uh there was uh Nate Hayward was the receiver and then you had uh this tyrone uh one of the stowe played or no no because he was more who was the middle linebacker from new orleans saints that was the shortest lineback That was Sam Mills. I played flag football against him. When he was at car salesman.

He was a Jersey, dude. On Sunday mornings, 6th of the morning, these guys would show up, hung over. Isn't he from Jersey? He's from Jersey. He's from Jersey. He's Montclair. He's Munkler. It's fucking amazing, man.

Hey, listen, man, I don't even know what fucking time is. It's like 930. Oh, shit, it's 10 o'clock? Yeah, it's 5 to 10. We got to just get some good songs in, or we wrapping it up? Uh. I got to do it. Spide, but...

What time did you spot? You know me, dog. I don't give a fuck. What is that? At the ha-ha. It's right down the block. Oh, you're fine. The show's going to run late.

You get up when you get there. No, we could... You're fucking Uncle Joey. It doesn't... You know, I don't even know what time it ends. I just don't want people. Anytime a podcast is over two hours with us, it may go capoits.

Lee's already getting high. Look at the shape. Yeah, Lee's fall asleep. It's almost two hours, right? No, I'm fine. This is... This is where I like to be. Like, Green Hornets kind of put me...

I don't know. You ate in a whole one of those. You had the whatever that is. The fucking juju juice. Oh, my God. No, but this is nice. I can still talk. Like, usually, if I get high, Brett, it's, like, I can't even.

This might just be the beginning, though. This espresso made my... Yeah, the espresso beans took a while to hit me, but then... But the last two years... The speed, the fucking baboon fish in. And what about the last two? They're gone. And I had them spiker with extra fucking malukia juice in there.

So you got some extra fucking maloic in there. A little molyke? You know what that is? No. This is tough. You know what myloik is? It's like bad luck. Oh, good.

They give you my luck. I've heard you. I've heard Joe said that. I'm not going to give him no bad luck. This guy's a solid fucking little Jew. You can't give him bad luck. The evil I don't even work on it. It doesn't, huh?

It doesn't work on Jews. Does he have the fucking hand with the thing on it? The Yamika with the fucking anti-fucking struits. Do you have the pie symbol you wear on your neck? That means 3.14? Oh, this motherfucker. Oh, no. It says the Hebrew word for God.

Yeah, that thing. Yeah. The Hebrew word for God. The Hebrew word. word for God is fucking two things with this money clip. It looks like the symbol for pie. Or it looks like something from Stonehenge. You know the two things and it goes like this?

Yeah. You never seen it? Yeah, I know. I know what you're talking about. It's amazing, Brent. Sometimes at night I smoke a joint or whatever the fuck. I come home and I drink coffee and I go on YouTube and I watch videos at you, Sebastian, you know. I met, I met.

I just did Marin with I met Ahmed. Oh, yeah? I did an episode of Marin with him. It was funny. We had to do it to the main room. And I hadn't gone back to the main room since I walked out of it. Marilyn's wake when I went off that night. And we were talking.

And we go, you know, if you told me in 1997, we were both sitting at the union broke. When he first moved out from what's his name's house. Marin? No, when he first moved out of, because it was him, the chubby guy. What are you talking about Mark, Marion? Vince Vaugh. No, but I met on.

Oh, I met, I met. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When he was staying with the... I met, I met booked a room on sunset, called the Union, which was on Sunset. No, no, it was Dublin's, Tuesday nights. This was before Dublin. Wow, dude.

Yeah. The Union... You're going back there. The Union was two doors up from Dublin. And that sushi thing wasn't there. Oh, it was the one that was down... It was like downstairs. Yes.

Okay, I know. Yes. Trembly. Tremendous. I remember that night. Tremendous. But there was... He booked it every Tuesday.

And the... Across the street was the Chateau Marmont, and Downmore is the sushi place. That was a bar that Eddie Griffin ran because Black Knight at the Comedy Store was Tuesdays. Yeah, Tuesdays. So Eddie Griffin got pissed off and said, fuck it, I'm going to have my own motherfucking Black Knight up the corner.

So the Sunset Strip on Tuesdays in those days was the Comedy Store, Fat Tuesday, whatever they did there. Eddie Griffith started his show with 10, where he just did a show. Nobody else went up. Eddie went up for an hour or two. And then I met Ahmed, Ahmed, and Vince Forne's old girlfriend booked the union. And the union was shit. The union was shit.

The union was a room where 10 people go every week. And comics like Mike Young, that's where I met Mike Young. He had just done vibes. He's blowing up, that kid. Is he now? Yeah, he got his show on HBO. He fucking sold the movie. I know he directed the movie.

I know he directed the movie. Yeah. So I met Mike Young at that. And it was just comics that would go around Tuesday night. But what happened was the place had a lot of young women. A lot of young actresses went there. So the word got out. So next to, you know, Nick DePaugh was in there.

Stanhope was in there. Paulie Shaw was in there. And the place went from having 10 people to having 200 people on a Tuesday. And we get drink tickets. They wouldn't even pay us. They give us five drink tickets, but that's all we needed. That's all you needed. Five drink tickets to get the party started.

Then you walked over to the store. So I remember being there what I met I met, talking about, like, how do you get an agent? Yeah. Like, where do you go on? Do you know how long it took for him to get an agent? No, well, you, I mean, you too, but, dude, fucking, it's insane. You, you, people have no idea how fucking much bullshit you got to go through. They think they know.

At least civilians. I remember me and Ahmed Ahmed, I met, going to a meeting at Wilshire. Me and Ahmed Ahmed were at the union one night And some jerk-off guy came in here and he goes Are you guys near an agent? Yeah Some jerk-off guy and gave me and I met Ahmed. And me and I met I met bought into it And we both went down to this place on Wilshire at 2 o'clock

And the agent did have no idea what we were talking about The guy who gave us the car was an assistant Wow And when we got to the guy's like, I don't need fucking comments What are your credits? And Meena Mademadette looked at these. said the guy's like, get the fuck out of my, this is that, that's how long it was. Like, we were two kids with a

fucking, and you mentioned fucking Mark Maron, bro, that guy was inspirational too. Yeah, I mean, Mark Maron was just, Mark Maron was on blow back then. Mark Mann was fucking nuts. But the point being that I'm shooting this TV show with him in January, and

he looks over at me at one point I met him and he goes, if one of those nights at the union, we were talk out in front of the place, and we were dreaming of having money to walk to the pink dot and have a sandwich you know a fucking pink dot sandwich it I remember us not having money for a pink dot sandwich one night like giggling like I don't even have money for a pink dot sandwich hoping that he would say come on I'll buy a friend him going me neither you're trying you're

fishing for the meal but for him to say to me that day can you imagine if those nights and we used to so if I told you we were going to be taping the show together for mark marron because Mark Marion did the room all coked up. He was here with Schubert. He was to hang out with Bob Baker. That was a complete different part. Mark would hang out with fucking Leboe and... La Boe.

He was in a deep crew. Yeah. And then he got his life. And then he left. He got divorced and left and went to Israel and did the one-man show about Israel. And then he came back. And I saw him when he did the movie, almost famous. I didn't see him until after that.

So I didn't see him like from 97 until about 2003 maybe when that movie came on, 2004. And now to see his show on TV, I remember Louis C.K. He used to come to the store on Sunday nights when he was a writer on the, what's the black guy? Not Chris Rock. No, the short, chubby guy, part of the Kings of Comedy Tour, said it, the entertainment. Cedric had a fucking mad TV type show on Fox. and Louis C.K. was the head writer. It hired me to be a mobster on the fucking show.

It was one of the worst sketch shows in all fucking time. But at least Louis C.K. He fucking hired me. He came into the store. All those people, he's coming to the store on Sunday nights and hang out. And now, you know, it's just amazing. It's amazing to see what you've done. All the older brothers are gone, no, man.

I don't really see him, man. I don't see you. Obviously, you and Rogan aren't there no more. Fucking Schubert will pop in every now. And thank God. This last comic standing thing's going on. I mean, I'm glad he made the top 10. To me, you know, that guy's a fucking warrior, bro.

But, like, you know, Luca's gone. But they sent me something. Yeah, they to vote for him. Yeah, yeah, to come back on. Why, they kick him off? Yeah, he got voted off, but he can come back on. But, you know, who knows? They probably got it.

You know, who knows with that shit, you know? You never know. You know, it's, uh, to hear that Sebastian's blowing up and I met, I met, I'm mad, and doing all this. It just, you know, uh, I don't. did the Rogan podcast two weeks ago and we got into us and I told people that we just kept showing up. How do you say, we're no better than anybody else because you can name 10 people who are gone

that you were doing comedy at the store. They're gone. They've moved on to music or you go to a show in Chicago and now they went back because their uncle died. You'd be fucking surprised how many comics we were here with at the store that are probably gone. You don't even remember. I remember a lot of the girls Like the Georgia jeans I haven't seen anymore

Right Georgia Jean was on Facebook a month A month ago Saying she got out of comedy Because of all the men And how disgusting it were When they were talking about Adam Richmond Rapein the girl in Minneapolis There was an article in Georgia Jean

You know See that's the thing too There were chicks at the store though That hung tight Like Paula Bell Tammy Pascatelli Shema Shema

You know there's girls that Whitney you know, they, there were girls that were always accepted and hung out and can kick it, you know, and there were certain ones that the store, it had this weird, it still does, but it's, it's, it's, you know, Don Barris, she's still there. Brian Holstman is another one, dude, that motherfucker is. But he's gone. insane. I don't see him anymore.

He's a dog catcher in Marina Del Rey or in Huntington Beach or one of those places. And, you know, he would come, he was a hobbyist. He was a fucking airplane. pilot. He would come in late in the night when he was drinking and do 15 minutes off the top of his head of craziness. Some of the best comedy. Remember people would be coming

when they heard he was on, people would come and watch this guy. Yeah, it was fucking craziness. And the scene, the store is still I mean, it's still a scene, man. But there was always remember there was a big difference with you know, it's like the people that tell you at the water cooler that you're funny. And then you go on stage and it's a big shock.

To be funny in the office, it's a big shock to, then to come to LA and be funny. That's one thing, to stick it out. Wait, how about this one? That's the other. How about to be funny in the OR at one in the morning in front of fucking five? That's when you know, that's when you earn your comedy strike.

That's when, that's why Comedy Store Comics, most, they could do a room anywhere and place anytime. I can do anything. Anytime. I tell people all the time that there's times I go for auditions and I'll go on and I'll see the guy from the Godfather that got shot in the eye. You know, he's still around Mulgreens, still around an audition I'll see Joe Santos, I'll see Johnny Rose Beef

and I'll see all these people in an audition room and also start getting butterflies in my stomach and then I'll say, you know what, man, all right, so these motherfuckers have me as actors but they never had a follow up ball mooning near at 1230, neither and that's what I got, that nobody else got

that fucking work. And you fucking work, De Niro. No, but who gives a fuck about that? I'm talking about following Paul Mooney at the store when you're a eight-year comic and you don't know how to figure it out and the show started at 9

and they've already heard every topic, every joke, everybody could eat pussy, everybody's got a big dick, everybody punched a hole in the face, you've got to come up there follow Paul Mooney at 1240

or 10 after 1 when half the room is getting up, okay? You have no idea what fear is. You have no idea what it is to go up to the store thinking that you're going to go up at 11.30. You're prepared for 11.30, and now it's 10 a half to 1. When I tell you, I have a show at 8,

I know I'm going up at 8.45 as a headline. You're going to Austin next week, right? Yeah, Austin, yeah. Austin, right? You know that you're going up at 8. At the comedy store, I thought I was going up at 1130. But Paul Mooney's up on stage. Or fucking Eddie Griffin's on.

Or Eddie Griffin's on. Or Donner Rera's on. And you gotta fight. And that's where my confidence comes from. Also, you know what else? Because, you know, all the clubs in L.A. They are. Laugh Factory offers some.

Every club offers something. The comedy store, because it has no MC, I mean, I remember I followed Chris Rock one night. You know, and he just, you know, Dice. The first time Dice brought me up, he's like, who? I don't know this kid. And then he's like, how tall are you?

I go 6-2. He goes, how much you weigh? I go about a buck 95. There's his intro. And you got to go up and after either dice annihilated or just fucking just ripped into people. And I'm doing comedy fucking what,

four or five years? And you got to figure it out? That's why I remember when me and Caparola went to Montreal in 03. He was looking at me and he goes, everybody was complaining because we're doing comedy during the day. And I'm like, we were doing new faces.

I'm like, dude, we're happy there's just a fucking crowd of people that want to laugh. And you could just get up and that's why we rocked all the Ed Meds rooms. Dublin's Comedy Store comics. I mean, there were some improv guys like Schwartzen and Zach Galfinacchus that would fucking destroy. But on a whole, you couldn't go up at Dublin's on a Tuesday with a fucking notebook and try and read jokes. You had to bring it. I went up at the Dublin twice and I bombed both times. Yeah, but there's other factors behind that too.

All the other factors, but let me tell you something. The best compliment I ever got was, I got a call one night, like about a quarter to 12. It was Pete from the Houston lap stop. And he goes, I saw something tonight that I only thought you could do. And it was amazing. I put it together. He goes, you know Johnny Sanchez?

I go, yeah. He goes, Johnny's here. It's Thursday. It was Wednesday night. And there was only 24 people. Do you know he got a standing ovation? And he goes, the only other person that did that in my room was you on a Sunday night. That's the comedy store, isn't it?

That is. And then Johnny got on the phone, and we talked, and he's like, that's the comedy store. You learned, because in your mind when you came out of here, it's L.A. It's going to be 200 people a night every night. And some nights at the store, there was 150 people at 9 o'clock. By the time we got up at 20 to fucking 2, there's 13 people. and if you need those $15 those $15

were huge in those days So you and Tripoli are two of the Only comics I've ever seen Because you said you bombed But your bombing isn't really bombing You understand what I mean Like you're still spitting shit No

Were you high or drunk or something No I don't go on stage Hired drunk I would go stoned At the fucking Dublin they just That was a different world Well what I was gonna say

Because I've never seen two guys go out there. Like you and Tripoli, Triply's, I've never seen a triply get booed more, I've never seen a guy with more standing ovations

and just as many times as people have been like, shut, you know, getting mad at them. That's when you know you're saying something, by the way. You know what I mean?

When you get those fucking mixed reactions, all or nothing type reactions. Like Tripoli to me, man, that guy would fucking, if there's a destroy, if the times, you know, like,

they would put him at 1.15 in the morning. And he would do that set somewhere else at 10 o'clock and you could hear, I remember one time, fucking the fucking whole place, just going crazy. When he did that handicapped stripper shit,

they fucking lost their minds. But yeah, and I'll tell you who me and Sebastian love was Freddie Soto, rest in peace, but not just because he's dead. That motherfucker man would come on at 1 o'clock in the morning in front of 7, 8 people. You had to do it. But with smoking

cigarette and not even do monkey shit not even like try and get them just get right into his fucking stories and the whole crowd whoever was left comics would be watching and you just fucking zeroed in on that guy that was your practice that was your practice was going up there and zeroing the fucking and going off the rails because like I said they've already heard everything the comedy store had the people that came in at a quarter of nine and stayed till 1115 and then you another bats that came in about 1030 and they stayed till 1230 then you had another bats that came about 1145 that stayed till 2 and then you had the eight people that had been there from the beginning to the yeah all the way all the way through and they're in the back

having a great time giggling that bar tap is 200 they're staying next door at the high they don't give a fuck they met Andrew dice clay they saw two people from their favorite TV show you know rogan rogan let me tell you man that motherfucker I remember having to follow him and just feeling Being lost. Just feeling like a bitch. Being lost. What kind of dumb-ass fucking jokes am I going to do after this? Yeah, being fucking lost.

Yeah, just like, what am I doing? And then Mitzie, for almost a whole fucking year, every Tuesday, because this is what I loved about Joe. There were guys that would come in that were headliners, and we just bump, do whatever the fuck they want. He had enough decency to call in, and they would always have a half hour booked out for him. So now he knew that, you know, even if he went 15 minutes over, didn't throw the show off, you know,

because he could just pop in and fucking do 45 and all those comics that were books. So at least they knew he would call in and they would give him those spots. And Mitzie kept putting me up every fucking Tuesday after him. Every night he was on. And that, and I told Joe this, because he came down to see me one time in, at the comedy store in La Jolla because he was running a set

and he said look I don't want to bump you or whatever and I'm like you know we're past that buddy you do what you want to do and he was nice enough he said let me go on after you do your time you know such a gentleman but that right there following that motherfucker man at first I couldn't figure it out it's like sparring with John Jones every day

if you fight the best in the gym every day and some days you push it your confidence level zooms You know, I got my confidence at the fucking store. I got my confidence at the fucking store. We'll do this and I got to wrap it up because they just called me. But I got to tell you something. I went to Miami one time for a year.

I tried to sell the Miami Improv Paul Mooney. And they would go, oh, no, no, we don't want them down. And finally, Paul Mooney did something. And the Miami Improv brought him down maybe 99. These are the things that you talked about a movie with De Niro. That's great. But these are the things that, As my soul is leaving my body, when I die, I'm going to look at myself and go,

what did I really accomplish? And I'm going to think of the story I told you. This is when nobody would talk to me. I think I had booked a pilot, basketball. Oh, yeah, with Matt and Trey. And a commercial, a Taco Bell commercial. You're in basketball? Yeah, that was my first movie ever.

That's how I joined SAG, one line. And I stole all the roller skates from the movie. I was still a criminal then. By the way, sorry. The best one line ever is you in fucking Spider-Man. Oh, please. I'm the king of the one-line. When you popped on the screen, I was like, what the fuck?

Yo, you got to go through. I'm like, fucking Uncle Joey. Got it out of the fucking story. So I'm working with Paul Mooney, and it's a Thursday night in Miami or something. And I had been in this room a thousand times. To me, this room was the O.R. I knew the ins and out of the room. You know, I knew what I could say at this point.

I was in Miami six times a year and the people got to know me as a feature. I remember even Dave Attell saying to me one time, you don't have an idea what you're doing. You're building a fan base as a feature act. He goes, I've been in New York all my life. I come out now, I'm working it now. You have a fan base.

So I never forget going up there. It was one of those nights where nothing is wrong. And I see Paul out of the corner of my eye. You were at Miami Improvica. Yeah, all the time. In Coca-G girl. That's one of my favorite. And I saw the doors open.

They just closed, by the way. They just closed, yeah. They opened. And this was in the third floor. Oh, over the other side. Oh, wow. That's way back. Over the Italian restaurant.

Yeah. Across the fucking frozen drinks, man. Stopping. And I see Paul Mooney out there, and he doesn't close the door. He leaves the door open, and he's yelling at the bar staff and going like this. Pointing me, I mean, I'm like, oh, my God. I've known this guy for two years. I've been following him.

for a year. I got him into this club and he's out there complaining about me because I'm being dirty. This is fucking Paul Mooney, the famous Paul Mooney. I'm watching him yelling. I can't hear what he's saying, but I'm watching him yelling pointing at me on stage. Yelling, like yelling. And I'm like, all right, thank you. And I get off and I killed, but I don't know what just went on out there. And I got off the stage and I go through the back door and as I'm going through the front, I see Paul Mooney. bar and I don't say that and it was John, John the black bartender who his father was a famous black photographer who went with Muhammad Ali for a couple of years and photographed him and photographed him and photographed Richard Pryor and he had pictures of Richard Pryor and and the movie about

Tarantino with the black chick with De Niro where they rob not Foxy Brown no the other one like that what's the her name Jesus Christ Tarantino made two movies yeah I'll tell you I'll She's beautiful. Yeah, Sandy Brown. Whatever the fucking name, Sandy Brown. There you go. Sandy Brown's a beautiful black shirt. Tarantino made a movie that got released.

Christmas Day, 97 or 98. It's got fucking the guy from Friday. Jackie Brown. Jackie Brown. What was her name? Let's see. Was it the 70s chick? She was like the hot 70s chick?

He had her father. Pam Greer. His father photographed him and Pam Greer. When Richard Pryorneux I used to date Pam Greer. They flew this bartenders, father out. They're making a long story short. I knew the guy.

And I go, just what happened out here? Was Paul Mooney mad at me? And John Turner goes, mad at you? Bud Friedman was in here. That's what it was. Bud was at the bar. And I guess he was in the back room now. Right.

But Paul Mooney was yelling at Bud. You hear that? You hear that laughter? That's common to store laughter. That ain't the yet. improv. That's comedy store like, because I guess Bud didn't like Paul Mourney. Right. So Paul was in there going, that's comedy store.

That's what the comedy store teaches you. 20 years from now, they'll be asking people where they learn how to do that type of comedy. And they're going to sit at comedy store. Dog, I just sat there frozen. Like, this is one of the greatest. Like, you were doing so well, it got him so amped up. It got him so amped up. And to him,

he knew I developed, that. I did get that from the comedy. When I worked in a comedy, so I was a shell of a fucking comic. You know, by 2002, I had become a comic. I wasn't a headliner. I was a comic. I had already been doing comedy 11 years at that point. But that training program, that college...

Well, they say 6.11 and 15 are those milestones. Yeah, that 11th year when now you're following Eddie Griffin, you have conversations on any Griffin. You're in a different league now. I put myself in a different league. I'm not in that league with the local scenes no more. I'm in a league at the comedy storm at the improv. Talent-wise, it's the ultimate...

It's like clubberlangs gym and fucking Rocky 3, man. I'm at the best play. You ain't got to fuck with me. Anything. Dude, I have seen it fucking. I saw a dude trying to fight Chris Rock one night. I saw, I saw Dice and Dom get. I've seen so much crazy shit happen in that fucking room.

And here's my analogy to it. You know, Peter Lugar's Steakhouse, they say the pan is why the steaks are so good. They don't wash the pan. It's been the same dirty fucking pan for 50 years, but it gets so hot. There's no germs. It's just flavor. just is marinated in this fucking thing for 50 years. That's what the OR is.

It's that steak pan at fucking Peter Lugers. How good is Peter Lugers? Strong. If we took Lee there right now. Mastros in fucking, Mastro's in Thousand Oaks. The steak, I don't know what's something about that one. Even better than the one in Beverly Hills, I think.

Mastros and Thousand Oaks, right on Thousand Oaks Boulevard, is fucking strong. I live right over there. Done. Let's do it. Let me tell you something. Brett, it has been a fucking pleasure. Joey, I love it. And I knew it was going to be a pleasure.

I knew it was going to be a play just because the music. And it took me a while, and I'm happy that you came on. You're a great nephew. You're one of my favorite nephews. Let me do a little thing here, then we'll close up. Give me two minutes here. Again, listen, why fuck around with yourself? Be a good friend to yourself.

All right. You want to be the best human being you could be. You want to be, what the fuck you're laughing about with? That's the longest on the commercials in history. I didn't finish it before. You fuck. I want to give honor to the equal opportunity of employment here. I'm not prejudiced.

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Go to Onet on Joey Diaz.com. If you like what you fucking see, boom. Put in... Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% off. That's it.

That's what I got to tell you. I can't fucking tell you again. Everybody's on a diet in this country. Everybody fucking doesn't know what the fuck to eat. You know, I got stone. Should I eat a peanut butter and jelly? I can't eat it on white. bread I'm gluten-free. Eliminate all that.

Nature's Box.com. Nature's Box are nutritious fucking snacks that get delivered right to your fucking door. You understand me? You don't got to leave the house. You go online. Whether it's the Sesame Street, the black and white granola, the fucking spicy pistachios. Listen, everything they got, you can fucking bank it. The cocoa fucking... I still eat those fucking things. And Lee, I will not give you a bag. I never get that

bag. You never get the bag? Because you never around. I'm not around. Dude, you're the greatest fucking pitch man I've ever seen. I'm talking around with you. You want fucking snacks. Nature's box is a delicious, nutritious, nutritious. Nature's pussy.

And it gets delicious. Fucking delicious. Nature's box, you get delivered right to your house. You're going to love it. And you know what the best thing? The first time you order it? 50% off, their first order. Go fucking crazy.

Go to joey-deers. Go to Joey Deas.com. Go to the nature's box. Box and press in. Joey. Boom. J-O-E-Y. Get 50% off.

Not 10, not 20, not 30, a half. Bo, 50% off tonight, right now. Right now, you ain't doing dick with your fucking time. Can you pitch me in Addison, I meant at the Austin? I want to hear you pitch me like if I was fucking nature's box. I'm so high. I feel like I might go home and use that nature box code and spend like $1,000. I hope you do.

I hope you do. Use the code. Joey, I think I ain't too, man. I wouldn't know. They're delicious. I'm not even fucking with you. The sesame sticks, the fucking cocoa almonds. the high thing. Delicious. All right,

nailed it, life.com. Again, vapor pen, fucking the Gumi Bears, Gumi Zermanos, the best. But the vapor pen is one of the best vapor pens on the market, if not the best one. For the fucking, for you, waxed cock suckers, you get a lifetime guarantee.

You got a problem. You call fucking David who'll ship your new fucking battery. Customer service is key with these cock suckers. I would not lie to you. That's important. You get 20% off your order. If the pen is 50 You get it for what, $40 or something like that? Yeah.

Who gives a fuck? Go to Nailed It Life.com right now. See what they got. Order your vapor pen. Right now. All right. Right fucking now. Why fuck around?

It's Wednesday night. You'll have it by fucking Monday. You'll be smoking waxes and getting high and seeing the devil. Just like me and Lee. You understand me? Also, listen, I don't know what the fuck you're doing. Whether you live in San Antonio. Whether you live in Midland, whether you live in Houston,

whether you live in Dallas, whether you live in Addison, whether you live in Beaumont. I don't give a fuck where the fuck you live. Fucking July 9th through fucking the 12th. My main man here. What's your name again? Brenner. It's going to be live at the fucking Austin.

Cap City Comedy Club. Wednesday through fucking Sunday. I don't know what the fuck you're doing that every. Get in your car. Get some reefer. Drive up to Austin. Wear your sandals. If you're a woman, you have to shave your fucking arm, bitch.

Put chugia juice on your pussy. But make sure you go up to Cap City and watch my friend. He's got a show on Wednesday night, one on Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. You're going to laugh your ass off. He's a sweetheart of a guy. You heard of me tonight? Would I fucking pitch you something wrong?

You think I'm going to send some fucking dude out there? Is that fucking Jamoke? Yeah, some fucking Jamoog. With three jokes. I'm sending you a fucking pro here. I don't give a fuck what you need to do. Houston, Dallas, Midland, fucking Odessa. Get in the fucking truck.

Kill the chicken. Drive up the fucking Austin. Get stoned. Eat some fucking barbecue. Stand online. but most important, go see my little brother, Brennan. And also you could get my website's

brett-earns.com. B-R-E-T-E-R-N-S-T-T-T-R-N-StE-T-T-R-N-StE. You can subscribe to my podcast as well. It's called The Brett Ernst Show. I do like top-10 list. I got to have you on, Joey. Top-T-T-T-T-T-E-E-L-T-E. What are you going to do next?

You're going to sit there in your house and Texas and sweat like a fucking pig? Get in your car. Go to Austin, get some calachis, get some fucking barbecue. Who's better than you? Smoke some rife. He don't smoke weed.

Go to fat sows. It's open a... Fat sows, but he'll take a... You can blow a shotgun in his face. He'll take the smoke like a soldier. Not like one of those girls that takes to come to the face. Then keeps her eyes closed.

And you got to walk it to the fucking bathroom like a service dog. Fuck that shit. And that's it, cock suckers. The church live, you know, Wednesday night. You're going to get this happy 4th of July. I don't know if you guys are lonely and you want to do a fucking podcast on Saturday.

I don't know. We're back Monday. 7-7 at 6 a.m. That's all I got to tell you right now. Like I said, I gave out shout-out. God bless you. Again to Brett Ernst. Again to my man, Lee Syatt,

against the Onit. Dollar Shave Club, nailed it life, and fucking naturesbox.com. I love you, cock-suckers. All right. Stay black. Have a great weekend. What song are you closing with, Lee?

Oh, shit. I didn't even think about. We have so many. How about rumors? That's a good one. So my man can dance a little for you because Brent's going to dance from the scratch. Okay.

Put the camera ready for Brent. She's going to break it down for you five seconds. All right, I'll get ready. Now that the show, oh, do you want to say where you're going to be? I'm going to be next weekend. I'm in a San Jose Impro, the 10th through the fucking 12th. 718, I'm at the South Point Casino, one not only, a Friday night in Vegas. Uh-oh.

Pack your bags, get your fucking ecstasy, and come on down. It's one show. You could go out to dinner, get a steak, go out dancing, get your dick sucked, and your balls lick like Biggie in 95. and then 725 and 726, July 25 and 26, I'm at fucking Reno at the Pioneer Comedy Club. Come on down, cocksuckers. All right.

Thank you, Lee. You're welcome. Now that the show's over, remember go to naturebox.com and order a great tasting healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like everything bagel chips and baked sweet potato fries. Support this podcast to get 50% off of your first order.

Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com, promo code Joey. What the fuck is this? It's empty, cocksucker. Yeah. Oh, shit. Bust it. Oh, shit.

Have a great weekend. I love you, cox sucker. Stay black. Get your dig something. If you're a woman, go out there, get that monkey lick. Put your ass up. Make him eat that ass. Back that thing up into his fucking nose.

Let him smell that fucking ass poke now. You ate all the fucking things, cocksucker. You ate all the fucking things, cock sucker. You made me. He told me eat your last. That's loud. Hey, Oh shit.

They started by the jealous people. Oh shit. And they sit there about something they had and somebody else is loaning. Why, you broke the glasses out, huh? Ooh, they just don't sit there.