The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #193 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 5, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, September 5th… Happy Labor Day! This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & CBD Lion… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.   CBD Lion Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #CBDLion The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers, happy Labor Day. It's Monday, September 5th. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Oh shit. Thursday night is it.

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The joint is also brought to you by CBD Lion. Listen, my cat wasn't doing well. I started giving a CBD tincture. and she's fucking in there jumping up and down. CBD Lion has helped me in more ways than one from my anxiety to my fucking knees to now my cat's fucking life and well-being. I take the thing sure every day

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Joey or Church 20% off on your first order of any CBD line that's the best CBD out there let's get this party started it's Monday the fucking fifth cocksuckers

time for some cheeseburgers what's up you bad bitches it's Monday happy Labor Day to all you cock suckers the summer is officially over I don't know you can't dress them white you know you can't go to Long Island no more I don't know what the fuck it is

but it doesn't matter I love the fucking summer, you know, like I've been telling you guys, this is the best summer I've had in a long time, but I fucking love the fall, especially, listen, there's two months of the year on the East Coast that are just tremendous, and that's fucking May before the humidity shows up. You don't know what it's like to walk around the city, eating a slice of pizza with two fucking bongits in you. Stop it, you know what I'm saying?

You can stop on a quarter for one of those terrorist hot dog, the fucking sad bread, with the tremendous. But September is a fucking gorgeous. month in New York. I don't know if you look at my old schedules. I always came to New York in September because something about the trees, the fucking air, the weather, it's 70 degrees. Today's a fucking beautiful day to be alive. And it's been beautiful for the last 10 days. I couldn't believe we had sawport practice last week already. So the year's popping. The reason why I like this time of the year is because it's get down. This is it. Whatever, we fucked around the rest of the

year. We jumped up and down for eight months. We fought. You know, told stories. But once September comes, you got to look at what's going on for 2023 and go, well, for me to have a successful 2023, I got to kick this motherfucker. I love this time of the year because it sets up 2023. Think about it. Whatever you do now, you're doing for 2023 pretty much. If you're fucking painting a house, whatever. You're setting up, if you're a fucking painter, you're setting up, you're taking fucking bids.

and you're trying to pack in all your indoor work for the winter. You know, this is what people do this time of the year. For me, I'm excited. I'm 12 days away from the residency at the Sony Theater. Tickets are sold out. Do not pay over $40 fucking while stab you in the goddamn neck. And that's it, guys. I mean, this is it.

You know, usually I'll take this week off, whatever, for Labor Day. You guys ain't watching shit. But guess what? Fuck that. I'm so excited about the last quarter. we're kicking this motherfucker today. Goals, fucking the setting. Football seasons upon us.

You know, that's the other thing. Once you start smelling this time of the year, you're like, okay, a lot of things are fucking happening. College football last week, now fucking pro football. You know, in a couple more weeks we're going into baseball playoffs. It's just a fucking great time of the year, you know what I'm saying? October's going to be fucking true. I love it.

I love it. You know, listen, I can sit here and tight. I'm a fan of this guy. I'm waiting on this list. Ever since I moved to Jersey, I started doing something on Sundays. And I got to tell you something, I look forward to it all week.

I go to Jimmy Florentine's house with his little childhood buddies from the old bridge. There's no must, there's no fuss. They bring over a couple pizza pies. They bring over some beers. It's just fucking guys watching football. They're not talking about golf. They're not talking about, you know,

you know, how they raised their kids. It's trust me, that's the farthest thing they talk about. They talk about, they say some fucking tremendous shit. Not a lot of people couldn't sit in that basement today. I'm telling you right now, if you sat in that basement, at one point you're going to go, what the fuck did he say or what did Joey say? Because I get in there too, who gives the fuck? But it's just guys, guys that I never even knew.

I had been in L.A. with so many phony people for so fucking long that I forgot what these guys were like these just guys that are blue collar guys they work all fucking week they don't give a fuck about your instagram they don't give a fuck about how many friends you have on twitter they don't give a fuck about none of that shit they just want to get their beers get away from their wives and watch three fucking football games on a sunday and i don't fucking blame them they work fucking hard but i had never experienced that since i left here like maybe in colorado working for the sports betting people on monday nights we used to get together and watch football And get beers and fuck.

And listen, guys, I don't drink. I go for the wings. I eat a couple fucking wings of slice of pizza. But just to be out with a bunch of guys and shit like that, it's always great. I don't even like, I can't go to a bar. I can't sit in a bar. I don't drink.

So I'm like the odd man fucking, I only want to do sit there and drink coke with a lemon in it. How much of a fucking hypocrite in my. So I just don't go to fucking bars. But if you invite me to your house, I can bring a little tututs. I can eat my edibles. I can get a slice of my,

of pizza usually I show up at Carlos and get myself an extra cheese with fucking meatball extra crispy and I bring it over there the fucking pie waste dirty goddamn pounds so I'm looking forward to that shit and like I told you motherfuckers last week listen guys I know a lot of you guys were other draft sites or whatever having a great time listen man draft kings I've been with them for what three years now two years two and a half years a little before the pandemic like I tried other sites out, but draft kings just grabbed me. The thing about draft kings that felt good was I felt I could trust them.

Like I wasn't going to wake up in the morning and my money was going to be gone. Whether it's $200 or $800 or you don't want to get fucking beat. So I always trusted them for that, you know? Like I've had a couple friends that I was in Florida and I signed up for a local sports thing and it takes them a month to pay me back. All that shit doesn't fly with me either guys. I'm the type of motherfucker. I put a bet in.

I either pay you or I skip town. You know what I'm saying? And with draft kings, you can't skip fucking town. You know, so I don't know who you were with or whatever, but do yourself a favor. Go to the draft king sports book, download, put my name in and guys, just put Joey, not the whole fucking name, not cocksucker.

It's not going to react for that. They're just going to call the cops on your ass. But if it's, you know, if you're into football just to have fun, listen, I'm not here. I'm reading these articles lately about sports. Sports gambling. How people getting hooked on shit. First of all, when I was a kid, you could really get hooked.

Because you just had a guy on the phone. He doesn't know what's in my wallet. Mike doesn't know what I have in my wallet. Mike doesn't know what I happened. There's no more ATM cards back then. He doesn't know what I had in my bank account. So I could just call Mike and go, it's this easy. Today I like, I don't know, fucking Buffalo Bills on Thursday night.

Mike will go, what do you want to bet him for? Now, if I make $300 a fucking week, you know, I'm betting this for $25 bucks for entertainment so I can watch the game and yell a little bit, throw a shoe at the cat, whatever the fuck is going on. But sometimes you go, you know what, man, I'm good at this. I'm going to make some fucking money at this.

Like I did when I was 18. I'm good at this. I could pick these winners, and all of a sudden you bet over your head. So I could just tell Mike, I got $500 in the game. That game loses. I got to work fucking three weeks and overtime to pay that fucking $500.

That's not going to happen. So what do I do? I bet another $5,000 and it loses again. Now I'm down the small $1,200. Now comes Monday night football. I got to bet the farm. I lose it. I'm down $4,000.

I can suck 200 dicks and work 3,000 part-time job hours. I'm not going to pay this fucking guy. This is why I like drag. They know what you got. You put your ATM card down. You got $100. They don't take over $100. It lets you bet at what you afford, like what you can afford.

You know, listen, guys, I could fucking bet those games for 2003. It would be a big shot. Oh, guys, it's entertainment. I don't want to get in trouble. And I know this going in. So what do you do? Today they have a thing Saturday. They had a great fucking deal.

They had like Oklahoma to win. Ohio State and Alabama to win by 42 fucking points. Now, what are the chances of all these three teams win it? You put $10 on that? You win $180. That's not bad. So if you enter two of those fucking pools,

maybe put 15 on the team of your luck. If you could pull out $200 on a fucking weekend, that's why I like draft kings, because they have a ton of prop bets. Listen, Oshani, the fucking Japanese pitch, is the best playing in the fucking in baseball. but he plays for the fucking angels. They're the clippers of Los Angeles.

You know what I'm saying? The clippers and the angels are the exact same thing. They're going to have 200 great people and they're never going to win who got. Right? So when you bet the angels, I don't bet the fucking angels when Oshani's bitch. They're probably going to get sheltered.

But you know that motherfucking Japanese dude is going to hit a home run or three singles. So I usually bet, you know, 10 bucks for O'Sani to hit over a point, half a point single. If you bet that, 10 times you're not going to lose. O'Shani always hit the fucking.

He just hit 30 fucking home runs. He's the first Japanese player to have 30 home runs and win 10 fucking games pitching. Who do you think you're dealing with joy? But I don't follow too many people, but I like Shoshone or Tony. Anyway, my point is, it's draft king season. Give him a fucking shot. I don't know who you've been with. I don't know what you've been doing.

But I tell you what, I have a great time on there. I haven't refilled my account and maybe I refilled it for the NCAA. C double for March, for March Madness. I haven't put money in there since March Madness. I play with the same $20, $5. Some nights on board, I play five hands a casino. Whatever, blackjack, fucking a dollar, a dollar. And that's it, I go to fucking bed.

You know, I understand, like, people got addiction to different fucking things. But with draft kings, any of those other sites that are all very fucking good and trustworthy, I can't see myself getting in trouble. So if I talk about Draft Kings, Thursday night, fucking football, the Buffalo goddamn bills at the fucking L.A. Rams. Oh, shit. I love the bills this year. I don't know if they're going to fucking win the championship,

but they're going to win some games. Stay on top of them, watch Indianapolis. I love a fucking lot of. I'm way better with football than I am with anything else, and I'll still just bet 25 fucking bucks. Just to fucking go over to jimmies and yell and scream. You know, they're in Miami Dolphin House, So I'll go over there.

I'll always bet $25 bucks on the dolphins. Just because I'm sitting there. I'm eating their fucking food. I can't go over there, bet against the dolphins. They're motherfucking dolphin house. Where's your respect, that sucker? Liquid IV, the fucking cherry. Oh, my goodness.

What flavor is this? This is fucking delicious. I don't even know what the fuck of it is. I can't see without my beautiful glasses. Oh, shit. This is golden cherry. Tremendous, guys. Just fucking.

tremendous. 16 ounces, but boom, it's a whole different operation. Talking about fucking Nick Sabin, talking about football, I thought my fucking, I thought I killed somebody Thursday night.

I thought I fucking stab somebody 10 times Thursday night. I had text messages, my phone was ringing. I was outside talking to the neighbors. And I come in, it's like 9.30 at night, and people like,

dog, Nick Sabin was talking about you. Did you see this shit, right on the ESPN or something? There was a game. So I'm like, Nick Sabin. I'm like, what the fuck? I go, Nick Saban, Alabama? And they're like, yeah, hurry up.

Go on YouTube. People posted it to your page. You didn't see it, Mike? So I'm like, I don't fucking know Nick Saban. He don't fucking shout me out unless he came to a comedy show. That dude's a Christian. He fucking hates guys like me. You know what I'm saying?

I'm a fan of his. I love fucking Nick Saban, Saban, whatever the fuck you want to call him. So I go online and right away, he's talking the speech. about shit, what's going to happen? And he goes, don't tell me about what happened last year. Tell me about what's going to go on today. The church of what's happening now and all this shit. And people fucking, like, I must have got 20 retweets of the video.

You know, people were sending him. No, he didn't fucking know. If he fucking had people hitting him up today, put your apologies. That church of what's happening now, they're no good. They did drugs. They killed the old Benjamin. They fucking, you know. They fucked up people.

get the fuck your name off there he didn't know guys i mean it's it's yeah no no i don't i never met that man i'm a fan of it is i would go to one of his games i i love alabama but that's not it but it's funny that the text that he used this the context that he listen let's get to the basic of this fucking church of what's happening now first time i heard of church what's happening now i was mercy's age i was fucking mercy's age it was called the church it was a sketch that Flip Wilson did on his show every week. It was called The Church of What's Happened.

I don't remember what it was about. I left the line here and tell you I knew. When I did the Church of What's Happened Now, people reached out to me and they said Flip Wilson might sue you for taking that name or whatever. And I'm like, listen, it was 30 years ago. It was the name of a sketch. And that's all, you know, it was just the name of a sketch.

The Church of What's Happened now? So when you're like fucking 8 or 9, you're like, Churchill, what's happening now? I don't know what the fuck that means. That word didn't come. back into my life until I was about 24, 25 years old. And it's so weird that I had spoken to Erica Florentine last week. And I go, Erica, I had to have another idea for a book.

And she goes, what are you talking about? And I go, listen, Erica, I'm sitting here now. Remember I was talking about being like vengeful regrets and shit like that? And I'm like, you know, when we wrote that book, we had a great, we had a great fucking, you know, outline. We had a great outline. We did it and then we had an outside agent do it for us on everything that he had listened to over the years

and we met in the middle. And it was great. I think we did a great job. We were very thorough. We took our time. You know, there was no fucking fluff in there. We gave you some extra stories that you had never heard on a podcast and stuff.

But ever since I locked a book up in February and I submitted it, You know, you just think of shit. When I go to an audition, I always, in the car, as soon as you get in the car, you're like, fuck, I should have done that. Fuck, I should have done this. You ever go to a slice of pizza, and you go and you eat two slices on the way out, you're like, fuck, I should have had the stuffed peppers with the prosciutto or whatever. You know, it happens. You always think of something on the way out after you've done it already.

So after we did the book, you know, the last couple months, I'm like, fuck, I forgot to mention that in the book. or I shouldn't have spoken too much about this in the book or whatever. You just, it's not regrets. It's just things you wish you would have put in that. So I'm thinking about, the idea I'm thinking about somebody had put in a book like a friend of mine. In fact, it was because it was my brother-in-law's, my sister-in-law's three-year anniversary of passing,

which was Friday, God rest of so. And I was thinking about how. much her and my friend Darren Rago did for me in 19. I was just sitting there one night. I was watching TV. And, you know, sometimes you're watching TV. You just fucking drift off thinking about something stupid or whatever. So I was just thinking about how much, if people knew how much these two people had helped me in 93, like nobody would even fucking know.

Like between Darren and Sherry. Rurney Sherry Roney was basically financing my comedy career with 20s and 30s and do you have money on you? Show me the money. Show me your money. Come on, Sherry. Put 20 bucks in you so you're not out there without money.

And then I had a friend Darren who guys, this guy was a fucking savage with three hands. And he would call me and go, what are we doing today? What club am I taking it to him? I'm like, what are you talking about? And yes, we were both addicts and he knew I would always be.

half or whatever we bought with Coke. But no, these guys had my fucking back and they would push and push and push. So I called Sherry, Erica Florentine the next day. I know, Erica, I really think I want to, I'm not saying nothing bad. I go, I just feel that I didn't talk about,

because there was so much material. I didn't talk about certain people like I wanted to. Like there were a lot of people. I just wanted to describe in the book as angels. Like, you know, Darren Rago and Sherry Roney, a boat pass. God rest both their souls. You know, Darren lasted until 1999,

which probably put him at, you know, fucking, what was I, 30-something when he passed away, and Sherry Roney passed away two years ago, you know. But it's just so they were angels in my life that came and went in the fucking night. You know, Anthony Balzano was a fucking angel that came into my life when I first moved to Jersey and he showed me around and he made sure people didn't fuck with me. Then he brought me into his house and introduced me to his family. And he fucking went out in the night. And I fucking slipped into his spot. Dominique Spacielo, same thing.

You know, and they didn't all die. All these people didn't die. They came into my life in a certain point of my life to make that point of my life a lot more. bearable as I could say, you know, and I think about them all the time. And I think they deserve a lot of credit. Nobody will never even know their fucking names, you know. So when I saw that, you know, Nick Sabin had said that, and I started thinking about fucking the book, you know,

when he said Churchill, what's happening now, it's so weird, I was one of the biggest highlights of my life I feel. One of the best things I ever did in my life. And it was, sometimes you do good things without even knowing. Sometimes you make good choices. Without even fucking knowing you made them, you'll see later on down the road, you're like, that was a good fucking choice I made. I made a lot of bad choices, right?

I did a lot of fucked up things. But I was detailing cars. I was making $800 fucking dollars a month. I was working, you know, 60 hours a fucking week. and I got promoted to a detail. I started off as a shagger, and I got promoted to a detail. And then when I was making detail money,

I was making great money, but I was busting my fucking hump for this money. I was coming home smelling like fucking chemicals and breathing in chemicals, and it just, and every time I drop off a car, and it'd build a crowd Subaru, the fucking manager would always say,

yo, what the fuck are you doing, bro? You're a street guy. You know how to talk to people. You got the gift of gap. You're in a fucking car. Demon engines. Get your life together, stupid. Come on over and, you know, sell some cars.

I was like, for years, people have been bugging me to fucking sell cars. I don't want to fucking sell cars. Come on, come on. Every time, every two days I have to go with a drop off a car. Joey, please, go get a shirt and a tie. And there was just no fucking life. Finally, I was like, I want to do more things in my life. Yeah, I'm making a grand a week. I'm 24 years old.

I'm bringing home about 7.50 But this ain't getting me dick. This is my rent. This is my fucking school books, some shoes, and I can't fit cocaine into this budget. I got to make more money if I want to snort Coke. If you want to play the game, you know, and I was looking not to be a fucking thief.

I was looking just to be a decent person. So I asked him one day, I go, how much can I make in here? And he's like, you can make anywhere from three to fucking $10,000 a month. You know, you could write your own ticket. And I said, all right, on one Monday, I fucking took the gig. And I told them I would come in on a Saturday. I can give a shot on a Saturday because I didn't want to get fired from my detailing job.

I mean, I couldn't do anything else. I was going to be in Boulder, they have a thousand jobs that will get you through. But they have like four of them that you could actually get ahead with. You know what I'm saying? Like there's college jobs and shit. Like, this is a job you get ahead with. You know, if I was making $1,000, that's the job you could get ahead with. $52,000 a year.

In 1987, that's a lot of fucking loot for fucking washing cars. But this guy's telling me I can make more fucking cash. So I'm like, dog, I don't believe you. Peter Pinto, you know, I don't fucking believe you. He went, that was a guy's name, Peter Pinto. He went and he got

everybody else that worked there. And one guy's name was Jim Wheeler. My heart ended up fucking being one of the most influential people in my life. And this other guy called Wayne Means. But the whole three of them clicked together. Peter Pinto was a little weird. Jim Wheeler was my type

of salesman, very honest and very direct, but for some reason Wayne Means used to motivate the fuck out of me. This guy was just, and the owner of that Bill Crouch Subaru at the time, yes, Bill Crouch's name was on the thing, but the

money from that thing was this fucking dude, the whitest dude ever. But cool as fuck. He was something to do with the government. He was in the service and all this shit tough dude and he used to call me the fucking renegade

the renegade Joey you're a fucking renegade so you know the first Saturday I went in there I sold three fucking cars and I called the detail and I go shove your fucking water hose up your ass. Pappas cleaned his last goddamn car and I

went to Bill Crowe Subaru I had to borrow five I had to borrow my friend's mom's credit card to buy three fucking jackets with white shirt and you know and I got a job over there not knowing what I was doing and yeah Jim Wheeler was training me

and the art of sales like you know the steps taking them sell on your feet clothes on your ass all these little fucking sayings but there was one dude Wayne means that every morning he would fucking drill me to death and he was laughing like he was a

funny dude first off he was a biker Not a fucking, not one of these dudes that you see with six fat fucks on a Saturday on the turnpike. You know, no. This guy was a straight-up gangster biker. Okay, this motherfucker let his hair long, tattoos before tattoos were cool, you know, the whole fucking deal. So to make a living, and for his wife, he was married and he would come home for six months of the year. This guy was cool as shit.

He had a deal with his wife. He had stepkids, so he really was. He married her later after she got divorced. He kind of raised the kids, but not really. And he had a sister and a boy. Dave was in Florida doing 30 of the life right now. I'm surprised he didn't put him under the chair, right? His son Dave.

Anyway, Wayne was just a fucking one of those dudes. I was 25. I was wild, and he knew how to reel me in. But he also knew how to motivate me. So when I would come in the morning, he'd come over to the car. How you doing today? Joey, all right, what's going on with your brother? You're looking good.

Hey, let me do yourself a favor. Shine their fucking shoe. That's the first people look at it when they walk in as your fucking shoes. So what good is it? Have the nice suit on ironed if your shoes are not going to be fucking shine. Come on, shine your fucking shoes. How are you going to buy a $10,000 car from somebody with a $10 presentation? This guy was just money.

And he didn't talk to me like white privilege. He spoke to me like a fucking street guy You know all those things I yelled Over the years on Periscope and shit I was just emulating him That's all I was doing You know like when people came up to him And said but Wayne I sold three cars yesterday

Yeah But that was yesterday We're talking about today The church of what's happening now What's going on today Who do you have a car to sell to So he always taught me how to fucking Narrow it down to today

He was sharp and there was times I'd bring them customers this guy would give them a tremendous earbeat and he knew how to give you an earbeaten for you to buy a car you know like when somebody's giving you an earbeaten and they're like you know what just give me the paperwork because I can't take this earbeat no more I'll sign the paperwork before I take another minute

of this fucking earbeaten I never forget I was selling a car one day and on a car like in today's market you know you have an MSRP okay it was a new car I was right in the showroom. It was a Subaru. I never forget this.

The people come over and I go, yeah, because in meetings, Wayne Means knew how to make money on a car deal. Some people know how to sell a car. Wayne Means knew how to set you up to make money. So most people start with an MSRP. This is 1987. Wayne Means is still starting with a fucking addendum. For people who don't know what an addendum is,

MSRP is the sticker. Ford or Subaru or Cadillac or Mitsubesia, Toyota puts on the window with what's on the car, what packages they have, and what's the estimated dealer price. But then next to it, there's always an addendum. And that addendum costs the dealer 15 fucking cents. It's a piece of paper with a piece of ink on it. And it says, you know, white wall tires, undercar. It just has a bunch of shit.

Rust protection, window protection, all this shit, and they plop on another $2,500. And it's just air. But in Wayne Means' mind, he goes, I want you to start from that price because if they have a trade-in, I can give them more money off the trading from that addendum. That's $2,500 worth the air.

But to anybody who knows, anybody who's a gangster and does research before they go buy a car, you'll look at the fucking endendum and go, fuck that. I'm not even talking to you about that. We're starting here. So, you know, it's a win of take.

So I'm going to show him with this guy. He's a bolder guy. He's fucking a genius. And this guy is like, I'm not even starting there. So don't even talk about that. I go, the car starts there because that's how you get gross. Gross is the amount of profit you're going to make that card deal. So I'm starting from fucking gross.

I'm like, no, you got to pay up then. The guy's like, I'm not going to pay that. I start here. Wayne Means pops out from the desk. It was a little higher desk. He could hear everything. And he goes, sir, have you ever heard of the addendum act of 1969? Listen, there was never an addendum act of 1969.

Nobody even had an act in 19-fucking 69. But Wayne Means preceded him to tell him about the addendum act of 1979 or 69 and the senators that were behind it. do you know the guy bought the car at fucking addendum there was no fucking addendum there was no fucking act of 1969 it was the earbeat he gave them about the addendum

that the people said alright fuck it we'll just pay for it I think I ended up making like $3,200 on that car on one fucking car usually you make like a thousand bucks 800 400 I made $3,200 profit

It was like a four. It was like a Subaru, the GL-10. A lot of people don't remember the GL-10. For some old Subaru people, that's the fucking Subaru that you press a button and the tires are raised. So if you're driving and there's more, like you're coming off a highway

and you're turning into the hills, but the mountain hasn't been shoveled. It's been like plowed, but not really shoveled. They're still like two or three feet. You would press a button and you stop the car and the car would rise, like a Mexican fucking things that bounce up and down. I'm talking about the car would just rise up, the whole suspension,

and you would fucking drive through. Wayne Means was great because his gang of motorcycle people, I think so, speed. He didn't do drugs. Like they did crack in those days. They moved crank across the fucking country. I can't say what gang he was in because he'd kill me. I don't even know if he's alive.

We probably spoke eight years ago. He was running a car dealership in Las Vegas, and we spoke on the phone, and we were going to try to meet him, come to a show, and he was very proud of me. He said he saw me in some movies and shit, but Wayne did not do powder, and he did not do any of that shit.

But, and Wayne didn't care if you did it, he just wanted you to be such a good salesman that he didn't want you to do it in the daytime. I keep telling me if you want to go smoke pot That's your decision I can't stop you But Joey You'd be a lot better

And a lot more focus If he didn't do that shit I never fucking listen to him You know I would go out there And get high and come back And I could tell him he would be upset So eventually I stopped doing all that shit But after about two months of working there with him

He would every He would always go on a tangent about Coke He was just one of those guys That if you even said I'm getting the fuck out I'm getting an eight ball of coke. Fuck you. It's going to make your mind mush and all this shit.

He would just say all this shit to you. So he hated vinegar. He fucking hated the smell of vinegar, right? So I would fucking get a bottle of white vinegar and I would get those little fucking cups that people put water in at the water station and I would pull vinegar and I would put vinegar in the corn.

of his office, one on one corner, I'd hide, and one of the other corner, and I'd wait for him to come out, and I'd be sitting in his office, I'd see him pull up, and I'd sit in his office, and like, with a fake fucking question, and he would come in, hang his jacket up. Joey, I'm not here 10 minutes, what is it? And I go, nothing, man, I gotta ask you a question about the delivery on this car.

I was just bullshit, and he would go like this while I was talking to him, what? And he would go, he goes, you smell vinegar, I smell vinegar. I can't be here if there's vinegar. And he would go all around. I smell vinegar. I smell vinegar. And this went on.

So me and one of the other cells and run on it. So I knew he would go from one office to the coffee office. I would hide vinegar right by the coffee machine. So I put caught because he would go right in there and make a coffee. The vinegar was on the side. He went in there and he was like,

I can't even make coffee. I did this to him once a fucking week with the vinegar and he'd have to leave. After about two months he figured out somebody was fucking. with him, right? So that was one thing I did too. The other thing I did with him, I get a fishing line with a fishing hook

and I get a white piece of paper and I'd make a bindle, a cocaine bendle, and I put the fishing hook, tiny little fishing hook at the end of the bundle, and I would throw the fishing hook, I would throw the... You could see that in my brother? I would throw the... And he'd be sitting

on his desk, it was a tower, you know? So the new car manager sits here, the used car manager sits like three feet on them, and he could see the floor. I wouldn't make the Bindle big, you know, and it was like fucking I Dream a Gene. Listen, I Dream a Genie is a show about a fucking,

it's not about a genie, and it's not about the astronaut. It's about the torture they inflict on Major Healy, whatever his fucking name is. The professor, the professor, it's the torture they inflict on him. I've always loved that about a show, and I've always loved that about life. So I would put the fishing hook with the half gram of Coke,

with nothing in the thing. It was just a bendel. And I would lay it out where he would see it. And he would fucking get up off his chair and walk down. And I would have the fishing line. I pulled it away, right? And he would come, he'd be looking for the bindle. I knew I saw it.

I knew I fucking saw it. Somebody's playing with me. I would do that to him and then actually get bindles and put like talcum powder in it and just throw it on the floor. And he would pick him up and open them and go, can I have your attention, please? somebody snorting coke here

and he would give you a 20 minute lecture on the evils of cocaine and what's going to happen to you if you snort coke and all this shit but this was him but his I learned a lot from him like he was

this was after Carmine Balzano this was after a lot of things in my life and I navigated towards him every day in those months when I was having 16, 14, 12 car months you know It was because I was listening to him to a T.

It's everything else he did while being a salesman. And the one thing I took him is if you're going to be a salesman, you got to look fucking sharp. Your shoes have to be shined. Your socks got a match. You can't fucking stink. You know, you have to have a nice tie. You know, he taught me that you have to speak to women when they come talk to you.

Like when a couple comes talk to you have to talk to a woman because a woman makes 80% of the buying decision and a fucking family. This guy was just, he was just my angel. That's why I want to put him in the book. And I don't fucking stop there. Because, remember, I stayed at Bill Crout Subaru

for about fucking six months, and then I got to an argument with them, and somebody pissed on my leg, and I thought that I could make money somewhere else. So I left and went to Chrysler, and I was at Chrysler for about six months, and I would always stay in touch with him. He was like a father figure.

And then one day I just called him and I said, listen, I got to start making some real dull again. I'm not making money in Christland. And I went back there and maybe seven weeks later, eight weeks later, I got arrested for the kidnapping. And nobody, nobody was more heartbroken about that kidnapping than that dude. But let me tell you what transpired with that fucking kidnapping. You know, I did the kidnapping.

on a fucking Tuesday. I had the day off from work. And they caught the guy Tuesday night with him in the trunk of the car. And they immediately said a fucking, they came looking for me. Now, they couldn't really find me. My license had my in-laws' address on it.

And, you know, I don't know. Who the fuck knows? They just wanted to get a definite search on me. So that morning when they woke up, they did some snooping and they found that I worked at Bill Crows. Subaru, so they went to build a crowd Subaru.

That morning I was fucking coming down off that battery assing like a motherfucker and cat tranquilizes whatever the fuck I was doing that night and Blazing Brett Hazen, the detail of there came and fucking banged up my glass. He's like,

hey, the cops are at the dealership they're looking for you, they're about to come over here. You know, so I got ready and shit like that. And I go, how much time do I have? And he goes, well, he goes, they were still set when I left, and Wayne Means would not give him your address. I'm like, what?

And he's like, Wayne Means is fucking, telling him he lived a long month and all this shit just to give you more time. And I was like, fuck, Wayne did that for me. And I'm like, gee, and I did what I had to do that morning, but at some point, you know, there were no cell phone stand. So I had to call Wayne at the, Subaru dealership and go

you know thank you for what you did and he goes listen we can't talk long I mean he was slickering and fuck he goes hey we can't talk long in case they have the phone tap I don't think they have it that but he goes you never know he goes call me at my wife's number you know the number over there

and I'll be you know I'll help you as much as I fucking can't and at the time like I said this guy didn't do drugs this guy didn't drink, you know, he was a biker and he did what he did as a biker, you know, they take care business, they beat people up and they transport. I don't know what he was doing, but I'm going to tell you something else that years later, I saw him. I didn't go back to work for him, but I would

stop there from day to day. And he always felt very guilty because he had hired Vela back at that dealership. So he always thought that I was going to come back to work and be great. But if Vela wasn't there, I wouldn't have gotten. And he said it, he goes, it really wasn't me who hired Kent Vela back. He goes, I kept my nose out of it. I didn't care one way or the other. He goes, it was the use car manager and the F&I guy that wanted him back on the fucking lot

because they thought he could sell. But he goes, I knew he came back with a lot of fucking problems. And look what happened. He ended up taking you down. I was like, he didn't take me down. I don't ever want you to think that that I was a victim in this thing. I took him down, you know. But after that morning when the cops were looking for me,

he wouldn't give him my fucking address at all. And then they called the dealership where I worked at before, the Chrysler dealership, and that's who gave my fucking address. But Wayne Means was a fucking soldier to the end. You understand me? Yeah, he was. the church fucking show them. That's what he used to say all the time.

He used to go, hey brother, come on. What are we doing today? The church of what's happened. That's what the church of what's happened now came from. I know we ended up talking about the older stories and shit because we thought we were going to be a news outlet at first. Like I like, you know, I don't fucking know anything about the news.

But it was more to, you know, the church of what's happened now. What's going on? You know, it was a church. And it's a state of fucking mind. You know, and I still live off that fucking state of mind. It's fucking today. I don't, you know, people. call me for fucking audition.

Like when I was on North Carolina, and people called me for the audition. It's like, you got to put it on tape Monday. Okay, it's fucking Wednesday. It's got nothing to do with me. It's got nothing to do with me. You know what I'm saying? The church of what's happened now is the church of what's happened now.

But I think about Wayne Means, you know, and that guy's definitely, I'm definitely going to put them in that book of angels because after I saw the fucking thing and I, you know, saw the Sabin fucking thing. I put his name in the list because I'm only going to have 10 people, you know, and it's so weird how many notes I had made about him. It was like, you ever have a boss that really isn't

your boss? Like, he's your boss, but, nah, he's your boss, but he talks to you more. Like, he, you know, he'll have you either way or whatever. Like, this guy knew I was a good salesman. He knew I was dependable. He knew I could count on me. I was honest. You know, he knew about some of the shit I was doing. He never held it against me. When I got in trouble for the kidnapping, I'm sure I let him down. But I'm sure at the same time, you know, he knew I was young and stuff.

If I was 24, 25 when I was hanging around, Wayne, Wayne had to be around 50, 55. Good looking white dude. Blue eyes. he always wore like off-color sunglasses and his hair was greased back slick like fucking the coach of the Lakers with the white streaks on him and shit he was tough

he was warm he would talk to you like when I said to you before about the addendum some people would listen to that as a fucking lie like well the guy lied to somebody joined his son McCarr no he didn't that dude was too stupid to check out the fuck

and what the guy was talking about you know I'm sure that once Yeah, Google it. You know, at that time there was no Google, but the guy was an astronaut. You know, he should have known better, but what I'm saying is he was very honest with people.

And one thing I liked the bottom was if he couldn't close you, he'd go, let me ask you a question. What do you think is fair for me to sell you this car? First off, is it okay for me to make a profit? Like, I liked it. You know, there's people's approach of salesmanship that's not really salesmanship. It's trickery.

He trained me not to be a trickster. He trained me to be a salesman and to sell them the car, knowing that they're going to come back or refer somebody to me. So that's what I like the bottom. So like if you came in and you were all confused, he'd call it timeout. He'd even put it up with a timeout. Let's start this again. What do you want?

The person would say it and then he would go, okay, this is what I could do. Let me ask you a question. Is it okay for me to make a point? profit. And the people go, yes, of course. I mean, we're here. We do advertising. I got to pay the salesman. I got to pay the mechanic. I got to pay the guy that washes your car. So is it okay if we fucking make a problem? The people go, yeah. And then he would go, okay, let's do this. And he would go get the fucking invoice. He would go rip the invoice out of the book and put it down and go, what is the fair profit for me to make? That's pretty great. And the people go,

and he'd go, give me $1,000, and we'll do the deal right now. This is what is going to look at on, monthly payments, this is your down payment. And then he would talk to people. He would go, and I want you to think about this. You got two kids. You're buying this car. You're putting $5,000 down.

This is the guy that taught me all this shit. I used to just copy him and close people, because that's the clothes I like. I don't want you to feel like I'm robbing you. So he goes, you're giving me $5,000. And this is 1987, guys. And this is before the great crash of 87. He would go, listen.

How much you give me? $5,000. Scrap that. If you give me $2,500, if you give me $5,000 down payment, you're financing for $80, 48 months. This is before 60-month financing. He goes, you're negotiating for 48 months.

And your payment will be, you know, $3.10. Can you afford that? Yeah, that's great. Okay, let's do one better. How about you give me $2,500 down? You take that other $2,500 and put in your son's fucking college fund. And you take that other fucking $2,500 down, put that down, and why don't we lease the car, and your payment will be $198 instead of $3.10 a month.

I'll save you $110 a month. And the people would fucking go, what are you talking about? I don't want to lease a car. And he'd go, well, when you own that car, when you finance it, you don't own it. So for 48 months, you're not going to own that car. The title, the bank has the title. You're going to pay $1.98 a month. You're not going to have the title.

And after three years, you can just bring this fucking car back, and I'll give you a brand new one for $208 a month with nothing down. Because with Subaru, that's it, the down payment keeps transferring. It's a fucking no brand. And some people, it's a great deal. would tell them, listen, you lease what depreciates and you own what appreciates. A car don't appreciate, you know, they tell you, well, Subaru's hold their value. There's some cars that hold their value, but, you know, and it made sense to me.

And that's where I got my sales pitch from. That's why I always sold like that. And that sales pitch went on me for years, I would tell. That's why, that's how I negotiate, you know, down payment is profit. down payment is profit so i used to flip that around guys i would try to sell all my tickets out sunday night before the weekend i would always try to do that because i always felt like if i had to go to that the more tickets i sold by the time until i got to the town i didn't want to do radio so i called it like down payment if i sold all my tickets before i had to get there wednesday

No. So even if I fucking went to a comedy club and I'd get there on a Thursday, on a Wednesday night, because they wanted me to do radio Thursday Wednesday, and I made sure, and I copied this from Joe Rogan, I made sure that I went to the best restaurant in town and left a good tip. And the next morning when you wake up, boy, your tickets to sell that. Because the staff from that restaurant goes out to all the bars afterward, and they tell everybody your fucking business that you were there with four people. You got high. Plus, you gave a $100 tip on a fucking.

fucking $80 time and the ticket sell out. It was just, so I always stole that thinking, that down payment equivalates anyway. I don't know if anybody else will get it, but yeah, Wayne Means is fucking great. So when I heard that from Nick Saban, it was just like a, I don't know, it was just great. What's that?

It was just like a big flashback guys, and it's great. I love, I really want to do this book about, you know, And it's people who you would least expect. People goes, Rogan going to be in there. Is Paul Mooney going to be in there? It's people that, like when I looked at the comedy people I'm going to put in there,

I got to be honest here. There were a lot of comics that came through my life that helped me out. People you would never dream of. People you've never heard of. The most help I got were not from famous comics. It was from people during my open mic days, during my feature days in Seattle,

people who just made little gestures. shit like that. But the only person I am going to put in there for angels is something like Mitzie Shaw, you know, but we'll get to that later. But yeah, I just wanted to get the church of what's happening or not story after you. Because a lot of people didn't fucking know it. Like a lot of people were still hitting me up over the week. And where did you steal it from?

I didn't steal it from nobody. That was an old fucking whatever thing. And when I decided we needed a name for the podcast, I had always been using it. I had always been using it. For the last, like those last couple years in L.A., when an agent would call me and go, yeah, well, I talked to a producer.

He's going to have an audition for you in three weeks. Come on, guys. This is the church of what's happening now, today. What do we got going on motherfucking today? You know what I'm saying? So that's where I'm at, guys, on a beautiful fucking Monday. I just want to come on here today and tell you,

I haven't been this excited about a fall or a comedy show. in a long goddamn time. We got a DJ for September 17th. We got a DJ for all the fucking shows. I'm happy we're in New York City for a change. I got these two shows in Jersey this week on Wednesday and Thursday, and then we're shifting everything to fucking New York City for the next six months. I'll keep you guys posted for the tickets for Philadelphia,

for Parks Casino the night before the 20. Are you going, Mike, to that one? I would. Okay. That one you go to... I got all of these. Okay, we'll get your clearance. All right.

Yes. Because I know, Mikey got the kids. It's fucking tough. People with kids, it's tough. It's a tough life, man. So I'm sorry, Mike can't be at a lot of the gigs, but fuck it. We try to get them to what we can't, you know. But besides that, I'm excited about this fall.

I got my goals written down. I'm going to try to get a little healthier, try to get, uh, lose some weight. I don't need to gain no fucking weight. Try to lose some weight. get a little better with you jitsu i tried to call rob before the podcast to see how he'd done over the weekend i appreciate that a lot of you guys enjoyed that podcast a lot of you people reached out to rob you reached out to gabby uh this was great podcast i love having him on here because uh he reminded me of what like i forgot i had forgotten all that shit uh that we even did a podcast about it

did it like a segment on it about what it took to be a fucking comic. And once I met him, I'm like, this motherfucker's a sharp dude. We got to get him up here. So that's it and that's that. I love you, motherfuckers with all you, my heart. Do not forget to download the Draft King Sportsbook app. It's opening day weekend, but fucking you got to be ready now because Thursday night it's Buffalo against the Los Angeles Rams.

And we got UFC next week. We've got a big fucking weekend. I want you guys to be prepared. it and that's that. I love your cock suckers with all my heart. Stay black. And here's for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, I want to thank you guys on a Monday. Thank you for taking my fucking ear beating. But it's labor there how to kick it off. I couldn't just leave you there hanging all day. The joint is brought to you by CBD Lion. They're back, motherfuckers, and better than ever, from the gummies to the back walls to the fucking the gel caps. Listen,

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Draft Kings, download the app, and now let's go win some motherfucking money. I want to thank Draft Kings. I want to thank CBD Lion, and I want to thank you fuckers. Have a great Labor Day, and I'll see you Wednesday morning, Tip. Thank you.