The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #194 - Joey Diaz, Ralphie May and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 10, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Ralphie May in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 07/09/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door, snacks smarter in the new year with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. This show is also sponsored by Onet.com. Go there to get Alva Brain, new mood, everything you need, all the optimization nutrients you need. Use code word church to get 10% off.

And lastly, this show is sponsored by NailedLife.com for all the oil and wax smokers out there. Go to Nailtheleaf.com for the premier vapor pen on the market. Mention Joey Diaz and get 20% off. Oh shit. Lee, drop that motherfucker, Lee. Oh, shit. There comes the bass. Next thing you know, a little fucking guy comes in with the harp.

Next thing you know, some guy comes in and rub some Vaseline your muffler. The next thing you know, you're yelling and screaming, but they don't give a fuck. Because that bass is, man. Bangin, Jack. It's Wednesday night, motherfuckers. The church of what's happening now. You got it right here on Wednesday. Sit back.

Smoke that bong hit. Tell your wife to lick your nuts at. It's on tonight. The flying Jews in the house. Why are you going to... Pop that. Pop that, pop that, motherfucker. They want to hear you.

They want to do this. Fuck. Oh shit. Oh shit. There's a bad fucking jamming. Taking your back. Two little white dudes that sound black. Out of fucking Philadelphia.

Dropping it. Hoping it. Liggin it flinging it with the Jew Raffy May in the house On a Wednesday night Whoa! The church Motherfuckers! Kick it! Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!

Break that fucking reefer out! You're an American motherfucker! Fuck work! You just blew a firecrackers! Do you still have firecrackers? Call the Chinese guy, it's over. I need some Roman candles and shit. You know what I'm saying?

Get some bottle rockets. break him in half and chase him black people. Let's do this shit, he's saying. That's old school this shit. What? What's the story? Try that music. What's with the music? I said, I look at you 18 times. I wish Chiba Chu did that to me.

What? It got me energized like you are. I'm like 20 minutes away from being and never, never win. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me? This is when the mad flavor comes online. What? He's a flying Jew, man.

He's the original. Listen, there's probably three flying Jews left. anyway and two of them in Israel right now putting their wings on getting ready to fly off with a fucking rocket you know what I'm saying? They ain't fucking around in Israel it's gonna pop off in Israel

I can feel of them I fucking fucking fucking fucking I just sat outside you can see them all getting ready they're fucking at least taking 20% on getting ready in case they gotta make a run for it

and they got to buy a gun first a water pistol you know what you first they'll buy a water pistol and put black tape on it and once that don't He goes, fuck, I got to buy a gun. I got beat up the other. I don't like it.

The shitman fucking Canneauga Park. I was in a Mediterranean place today for lunch, and this old Jew got pissed off because they didn't have Baclavon. They had nothing sweet, and he started yelling in the whole place. He's like, last time I was here, they had Baclavon. The poor lady was like, you've never had it. I felt so bad for. What did you get the Mediterranean place?

Chicken swarma with hummus and a little bit of Israeli salad? No pita. nothing. It was good. Don't that hummus with that shwam was going to make your ass all smell. Oh, it smells. It smells amazing. Let me ask you something. You wipe your ass. Do you sniff the toilet paper? First of all, I don't use toilet paper. Use baby wipes because I'm a gentleman. I know you're a pimp. When you use the baby wipes, do you look at it? Do you sample it?

No, no. I usually don't. But last night I had a Chipotle bowl for dinner. And it was when I woke up this morning, it was bad. It was bad. Do you see the worms still moving in there? No. I mean, it was good. It was spicy. All right. That's it. That's all I got for it. That's all you got, cucket.

Yeah. All right. How are you doing? You know me, dog. Living like a fucking doctor. I got to go to San Jose tomorrow. I'm ready to go. But Jessica Bar is going to be there.

That's going to be a fun weekend. We got fucking anti-Dolores is showing up. I got the 10-15 show like a Puerto Rican because David Spade is doing the 8 o'clock show. When? Tomorrow. You got a 10-15 tomorrow? Oh, it's better anyways.

That's even better. Yeah, it's Thursday night. The real pimps are out. People be selling machines. guns after the show you know how we fucking do it we say dropping some hall notes raffy maz in studio tonight hi everybody big pimp a fucking comedy ain't fucking around time it's happening drop about all that man as long as we're all here we're one big fucking happy families a lot of weight in this room right now a lot of weight jack a bad motherfuckers in this

room right here this is like before after and after this is fucked up way before this is way before this is way before shit but it's great to have you have you have of Wednesday that I'm sure you're sitting home with 600 channels saying when do I fucking tie the noose around my fucking neck? I got 600 channels and I'm still bored to fucking pieces. Unless the Exorcist is on or something,

you're fucking doomed to that I don't know why time. Unless they got something on Discovery by Drugs Inc and they show you some fucking Somalian chick sucking dicks with mouth condoms you know what I'm saying? You ever see get your dicks up with a mouth condom? With a mouth condom? Yeah. No, what's even the point then? That's what I say.

I don't know. fucking asking you listen you're the decent one in the fucking group I never got my dick suck with a mouth condom no no never I married a Jew bride

so I'm good they never do it they're stung anyways they don't they're stingy what's going on with you you're feeling good feeling great man what's going on in your life

wow um just hanging this month has been fantastic hanging out with their wife and kids it's like my my son and I've been fishing uh this is funny uh I was

giving the wife a little afternoon delight today, right? And my son knew that the door was locked, but the little shit went around the deck and came in through the glass door. Fucking busted me as I was busting a nut. It ain't like you can stop. You know, she's squirming

thinking that's going to make me stop. It didn't make me come harder. Shit. You just dropped that body weight on. It was over. You ain't going nowhere. You ain't going nowhere. You're pinned. And my son was like, what are y'all doing? What do you doing he's five you know

so it's like nothing nothing just wrestling oh yeah why are you naked so people wrestle naked wait till you fucking grow up and they know they're doing Wednesday nights right you'll be at fucking jello wrestling watching two fat chicks go at it

eat each other's asshole they can't find it you ever go to that shit when you were a kid any of that disgust I never went on those fucking things no no man no wet contest no nothing I've seen one once in Columbus, Ohio. I saw one. It was part of a radio thing they were doing,

and they had me do color commentary for the oil wrestling. And it's like the girl won by getting her in a giner lock, you know, reverse camel toe chemical. And got it in a pussy lock. And it was on. It was great. So that was fun. But that's the only time I've ever done anything like that.

I never went to a wet t-shirt contest I don't think I'm trying to think I never really went to like a jello contest when I was growing up that wasn't big during the nights you know like

when I was growing up Monday night was we went up to ground round I don't even know if they're around anymore I don't even know what that is there was a ground round restaurant Englewood Cliffs that George is my witness I used to dine in dags out of this motherfucker

I will call him right now And I used to tell him, and he would go, no, you did nothing. I go, watch this. I'll go in there with you. I'll buy you dinner and around the margaritas and watch me go up to the manager and walk out. I would walk up to the manager with the tab in my hand, talk to him, go, thank you very much,

and walk out with George. George would say, how the fuck did you do that? I did it every week at the ground round. I fucking dine and dashed. But on Monday nights when I was in school, they had a pimp rib night. Ribs and Monday Night Football So we went there

That's pretty strong Tuesday night Was a place in Jersey City Called Shalales A fucking Irish joint You got an Alabama slammer And a mug of beer for 90 cents From 8 to 10

You never saw nothing like that From 8 to 10 You could smell the rotten ass And the armpit But you didn't give a fuck You were 18 and you were getting Fucked up We were going there

Four of us with a gram of blow and do little bumps and drink Alabama slammers till our faces turned purple and mugs of Heineken. Wednesday night was his bar on Tunley Avenue was ladies' night. So you went up to a chick, gave her $10 and she got like 10 drinks.

That was your big fucking night. You get cheap drinks for a dollar. That's not bad, man. Thursday night we just went to a local place, and then we shooting to New York City. And then Friday that was it. I don't know. I don't know anything about what D.S. How about you, cucks?

No, I've never been to one. I mean, I've never been to a strip club, but just never been to a strip club. No, I've never felt the need to pay to see it like if I wanted to, I feel like... At no level, no strip club at any level. No. Bikini bar.

I always felt like the strippers would hate you. So that made me nervous. And then paying the get in was like, fuck. So I never, I never, I don't know. So you need to go to a strip club in Canada where you could smell their fucking uterus. Yeah. You could stick your nose right.

their fucking muffler. At least it used to be like that 12, 15 years ago on Bloor Street when I was a young, coked up comic, you could on a sniff of chick's asshole for eight bucks. You could do all disgusting stuff and they were all pretty good-looking chicks, you know? Listen, I don't mind going to a strip club.

We're all dirty animals. But listen, after the age of 24, and I swear to my mother's grave, me going to a strip club to sit there and see a chick's titty, I don't want to go. I was too much of an adult. At 16, I went to the Menlo Lanz in on Tunley Avenue.

I saw Tina Petrillo sit on fucking Galliano bottles. I seen her put a pussy with Budweiser and spit it out of the audience. No, I didn't know about that one. Yeah, bro. She used to take a Budweiser and put in her pussy and masturbate with the bottle, and the bottle would be empty, and then the beer would come out of her fucking monkey and hit you. You know what to see that at 16? What's a tick going to do for you?

Okay. You'll never suck a tit again. You never suck a tit again. It spoils you. They had a map on 42nd Street to get to the Middlelands Inn. When they have a map to a place in Jersey, it's disgusting. And the chicks were hot. So when I saw that at that age, I never got my dick sucked in there.

I'm not going to lie to you. I never got fucked back there. They said that if you paid the chicks, they fuck you right in the back. Well, that's the thing. I felt like it was like a big tease. Unless you have a girlfriend at home, like what are you going to go go home and jack off? I was going to do that. There's a lot of strip clubs that you go in.

You give them $20, $40? Then she'll say, is this all you want, baby? You tell her no, what were you thinking? She goes, throw me a yardstick. I'll suck your dick right here. Yeah, but don't they all have, like, a weird, horrible kind of AIDS if they've been doing that for everybody? Let's pretend they do. What was the last time you had AIDS?

It went to the doctor and got it taken care of. Never, right? When's the last time you had a sex disease? Fuck, no. Okay, then that's time. You're 25. Why would I want that? At 25, I had chlamydia, its cousin.

I had everything. Ciphyllus. Yeah, I had everything. I had everything at 25. Oh, my God. I like having to you. But I had like crabs. At 25, I had crabs already.

I like having sex without a condom. I don't want to have to worry about that. Because at this point, if Paula gets something, she's going to be like, you cheated on me. No, I know now, but you could go to Van Nuys and get a chick giving an extra 20. She'll suck your dick without a condo. Oh, yeah.

I used to live on Sherman Way in Sepulveda, and all day, they'd be there, all day. You never had years to go over and get your stamen kit, licked? I was single for about a year, and one time, like, Like, one got dropped off in a gas station that I was at. I was like, I wonder how much it costs. But then I was just like, I would feel weird about paying.

And then the whole, I just, I don't want herpes. I don't know. It's too much. You just want your pulse lick like Biggie in 85. That'd be great. You don't want the hurt one time? You can tell you your friends. It's not one time.

It's forever. So what? You have a little pimple on your fucking tell you put the makeup and you go out. You breathe on people. What do you get me fucking? You give that hurt breath Remind me not to share any drinks with you It's awesome

What's up, Dawn? Hey man, I'm enjoying it I'm just like hanging out with you man It's been too long Tell me something good Tell me a story, something A song or a concerto net My son has been fucking funny

Our neighbors got married Gay Tony got married right Both of you have gay neighbors How does this happen? It's called living in L.A. man. You should have gay neighbors. I probably do. If you don't, then you're not living in a good part of town.

I have a neighbor with no legs. It kind of freaks me out. She leaves the door open, too. It's kind of weird. What does she do? I don't know. She has a stripper pole in her living room. No, she does not. Yeah, she does. I think she does it for upper body workouts. Okay.

And she just, she leaves the door open because her and her boyfriend don't like AC or something. You're seeing a bikini? Yeah, she wears like a sports bar most days. She looked good Yeah, no, she looks great You would give her stabbing? I don't know, with no legs it might be Where the legs cut off?

The kneecaps? No, it's like hips. It's like, she's like, it's So that's funny that she's got the door open twice, I guess, huh? Pretty much. The worst thing I ever did that I still feel bad

about is like a week after my 21st birthday a buddy of mine took me out to go drinking and we just went to a hotel bar and there's this other group of girls. girls who were out there for birthday party and I was drunk and we bought tequila shots for the entire table but me and the other birthday girl were the only ones who drank them and we were talking we're talking and then as we left the bar I realized that her friends put her in a wheelchair

and she was she had her legs but she couldn't walk and I was so drunk and I made out with her that night and I remember calling people on the walk home from the bar in Boston I was walking all the back to my apartment because the trains were off and I was like I made out with a paraplegic And I just remember feeling horrible about it for like six months. Have you lost your fucking mind? No. So you over there swap and spit with this girl can't run? Yeah.

You over there slipping that you're tongue in her. Shit, you dirty bastard. Yeah. You dirty bastard. That's why I love you. That's great, man. That's the worst thing I've ever done, I think. It's not that even that bad.

Is that even a number? Yeah. Okay, then you didn't do nothing bad. That was bad. I called her like a couple months later. Like... A month? Yeah.

Then what the fuck would you feel? feel like? Well, I don't know. What was I supposed to call? I don't know. The next day. She just made out with you. You go home and whack off that night? Yeah. Probably. Sure you did. Those balls were hard as fuck.

Do you remember the first time you got blue balls? It was like, I was in high school and it was terrible. I didn't know what it was. I had to ask somebody and look, why am I? It was after like a school dance sort of thing. And like the whole grinding thing. I couldn't walk. No blue balls or when your balls get blue or like not blue balls?

It's hurt. It's just pain. No, no. I got the thing where my side swirled up. Yeah, no. I remember, listen, guys, my mom used to fall asleep this way on the bed. Like where your feet are?

I had to be there because she'd watch TV close. We all watch TV close. So when she'd come home at night from closing the bar, she'd watch the news and shit, and she'd fall asleep. I still remember freshman year, like waiting to ask her. My stepdad wasn't home like that. ask her why my balls, what happened to my nuts?

I was back from where. That's right. I knew the time when she couldn't really look at them and remember it would be in the morning. She'd be hung over and she'd be tired. I remember going in there, turning the TV up with my mom, I got to ask you some shit. I was get my soul. And I remember taking my balls and I'm going, why they saw her

and she squeezed them. And she's like, I don't know. What are you asking me for? Leave me alone. If I get back. I ain't no fucking doctor. man Jesus Christ I didn't do it was just beat off

I've never made out with no chicken a fucking I I know no I don't know man I was I was babysitting a comedian that we know that's it gets too wasted and angry and he started making out with this girl

who had had polio in India and she's in a wheelchair she had feeling but she didn't have use of her legs and he was making out with her and everything and she was up for it it was her fat girlfriend that cock blocked her Oh no I know right

This guy was gonna fuck her And she was gonna get a stabbing You know And her fat girlfriend said No that's horrible Like you cock-blocking bitch You know when you're young You always try to hook up with that drunk chick

That tells you she sucks a good dick And shit like that Yeah Yeah But I could never go for a chick that was You know Fucked up like you know Well physically

If you want to know the reason I didn't call her is I lived on the fourth floor of a walk-up. I was like, how am I going to get her up here with the wheelchair? Only you would think that far ahead. What happened? Just taking off a Chinese foot and putting no other training going on?

No, that's a dain. Why you got to bring up to the fourth fucking floor? That's pretend she wants to lick your balls. You don't have a basement? No, I guess a laundry room. Something. They got to have something. Why would you even not call somebody because you live on the fourth floor? I don't know. dude, I was drunk than that before.

You always say something like that. You always think of what, eight steps ahead. I think about weird shit, man. Knock yourself out of the fucking box. You're a dark little fucking dude, man. I guess. I love it. That's what I love you. I always knew you were a dark little Jew. You ain't no fucking angel. You're at homemade hours. You ain't there watching the espiano.

You're whacking off. I'm watching videos from Hong Kong or Chinese chicks getting stabbed in the neck. It was bad when I was single, like two, three times a day. Really? You would bang up. At least. And you'd watch. Watch films from Hong Kong women getting beat with a want to know that stuff freaks me out

That stuff where the like the guy like smacks him or punches him in the face I can't like that always pisses me off When they just like bring that out in the middle of the video Lee you are a fucking crazy motherfucker It doesn't piss you off you watch it like they just like start The worst is when the girl pukes when like they push their head down When they push their head down on like the dick man like I saw one the girl puked and I had to stop doing everything.

You even stopped whacking off? You never had a girl swallow your jizz and puke? No. And you make a sip it with a straw. I told you. That was the worst thing you ever said to me. That's not a real pit. That's Johnny Monselma.

I'm going to tell you what really pisses me off. That's Johnny football right there. I saw two things that piss me off. I keep seeing them once a week. And now I'm starting to see them two times a week. And they just bothered me. You get home, you had a good day. There was no traffic on the 101.

You made it home. You got some lemonade. You went to your computer. You go, let me see the message, boom. You know, let me check my Facebook, boom. And all of a sudden you see like a fucking... Today, some guy put a video of a dog that had been hit by a car. And he was another dog, and the dog was licking him, trying to wake him up.

But the dog was dead. I nearly fucking died. I nearly fucking died. Like, if you have an animal, why would you even watch this shit? And then two hours later, I leave, come back. and there's another fucking kid on there it's got to be two years old eating on one of those tables

the high chair and something happened he's bleeding from his head and his father's taking pictures of him I would fucking like are you fucking crazy kids like smiling with blood on his fucking head

like a fucking dog you know I don't get it I don't get that Facebook and Twitter shit no more it's going someplace every two fucking things on Facebook they have an ad

you don't know if they're telling you the truth if it's a lie people What the fuck is going on with Facebook? I don't like Facebook because what you're saying When you're scrolling down And a video pops up

I almost don't even want to tell you this But Like there's ones where like people are hurting animals And stuff Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I can't even Everybody's pissed at some fucking chick Because she kills lions or cheerleader

That one It's just the like She's doing, she's hunting So I mean It's the If people think hunting's bad And with the fences If that's bad

That one, at least it's hunting. I'm talking about people hitting dogs with a stick and stuff. It's just terrible. They always have one with a fucking cop shooting a fucking dog. I don't get that fucking phenomenon lately. These cops getting shooting a dog. And then two months later, the same cop gets hit by a fucking guy, a Japanese guy on a bicycle.

And next little people are like, oh, we feel so bad. Fuck him. He shot a dog six months ago. Doug. One time I was in Boulder, it had to be like in my darkest times. This is the light darkest time This is when you were bookmaking? No.

Car selling? I was waiting to go back into Because you couldn't really successfully Get into the sports betting service Sports Info until August 15th Especially at my level I wasn't good enough to work in baseball Baseball you got to pick out the real degenerate gamblers

Football season, it's every three out of ten people call you a fucking degenerate. So this is like, July and something happened I'm on a bicycle I got a 10 speed bicycle you had a bicycle bicycle and I'm riding from Delhi zone 20th Street to my house I lived in North Boulder across the street from the North Boulder Rec Center and I'm on a bicycle and I'm driving up and I passed a puddle car wash and there's a Lincoln Continental place slash something else doesn't really matter and I got this bicycle and you can't

believe this story I'm riding my bicycle I want to next thing you know, car pulls up next to me and he ain't doing too fucking fast. He's going, you know, maybe five miles quicker than I am, and I look and it's a student driver, right? You can't write this shit. And next thing you know, I can hear the teacher going

left. Left, left. And this fucking dummy goes into the right lane. Cuts me off. Cuts me off. I go halfway in the ditch. I'm like, what the fuck? And then the student teacher, the driver, gets out and rips up the test. I never forget that.

Oh, no. And how pops is Asian. I forget that. I can live to be 80. And I'm like, what? And the kid's like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. And the driving guy came out. And he must have been Jewish.

He's like, are you okay? We call them. And if you need one and shit, this motherfucker was pushing Norton and Fricky. hilarious. We have a nanny. an au pair, a Chinese girl, right? From like China, China, okay? And she's a lawyer and a judge in China, okay?

Really smart girl. She passed the written exam perfectly. Has failed the driving portion of the driving test 19 times. Okay, she's got a degrees. All right? And she has failed 19 times, bro. 19. Okay?

And she's like disappointed. We wouldn't let her drive in by our cars. And it's like, you stink. I'm sorry. There's no way. There's no way. So now I'm paying for driving classes for her to try. How old is she?

She's 26. And she's a judge and a lawyer. Yes. A fucking judge in China. Shit. Yeah. And here she's a, she wanted to be a nanny because she just wanted to come to the States. So how long was she here for?

Another year. Another year. Wow Yeah Crazy How you feeling Teaching our kids Cheney's

I'm like Yeah I'm good I'm starting to feel it Good Lee You need to feel it Cucksucker Man I'm high as balls

I just want to Let everybody know that That's where I'm cooking With gas What did you have Did you smoke it or eat it I've vaped it Oh okay

Yeah I get a headache I didn't get off I didn't Oh okay Give Lee I'm sorry You know what

You know what I'm gonna tell you what What happened The store has no more. Cheapichu's behind the eight ball. Again? They close both the stores that we used to frequent. And this place, last week, was really good,

but for some reason, they haven't replenished their Cheapichu. Nothing, nothing. They have no peanut butter cookies. They have no green hornets. They had a fucking green... What did I give you? Whatever I gave you is what they had. I don't know what when he gave me.

I ate a sugar-free. chocolate bar that had at the house it seems okay I had two of them that I threw away because they were old I went looking

in my drawers like shit I don't find shit but trust me we had to get Leigh on to get the parties fuck yes we did

Lee has to get Lewis' Lee's been coming with great stories I love it I love it savage stuff I don't know

I don't know I don't know many of them Lee's a fucking savage and stuff no no that's you know Lee

my wife's a Jew Broad my kids are Jewish oh come on now I know how it spreads I can't it's funny

Joey talks about it I have never dated a Jewish girl I'm Jewish and I can't I always relate them to my mother So I feel your I feel your pain I'm sure she's a very nice lady But it's just It's awesome

It's funny that a lot of most Jews don't Don't date Jewish women If they're not religious But it's a Are your kids religious? Do they go to temple and stuff? We're going to start Saturday schools Okay Yeah

That's not bad joining that reform place over there on Hollywood. Yeah, reform is good. You'll be in another other in like an hour. Yeah. Orthodox is all day. Oh. They do what?

All day. And they walk back and forth. Orthodox don't mess around. You got to hold that big-ass scroll. Everybody's got to haul that goddamn thing around. Well, they have the Torah on all of them, but like Orthodox, like women and children sit on one side and the men's and on the other side. It's, uh... Where's this side now?

All Orthodox style. There's like different levels. like, kind of like first, like, the reform is like kind of like fake, it's not fake Jewish, but it's like... It's Jewish light. Yeah, Jewish light, and then there's a...

Confirm, something with a C, where it's like Jewish medium and then Orthodox with the guys with the hats and the Jew sneakers you talk about. Oh, yeah, the stinky as seen them. Isn't that what you call them? You call them Stinkies? Stinkies, that's the thing called in New York City when I was growing up. Yeah, man.

I just telling Lee that. Well, people don't know in this country is that when I was growing up in the United States, okay, I don't know about none of you motherfuckers. When I was growing up in New York, you had two types of sneakers. You had Converse and you had PF flyers, all right?

Congress being what everybody had, but then all the aristocrats, because the marketing was you ran faster and you jumped higher. And they showed you a white kid jumping over a fence. But we all bought it, hook, line, and sinker,

until we threw an egg of a Jew over by the little temple there. They used to be a temple. I'm not even trying to be funny. This guy chased us and caught us all. And I know that. One of the kids said, what kind of sneakers he got on? Because he was cracked.

We all had P.F. Flyers. He was supposed to jump high and run fucking faster. That's what they marketed. Now I'm getting caught by a fucking Jewish guy three times my fucking age. I look down. He ain't got sneakers on. He's got those black soul things that got the rubber on the bottom. Those things are fucking, they'll chase you from here to fucking.

Yeah, the motorhouse on the prayer shoes. There's nothing. Those motherfuckers are solid. A solid. A shield tip. Yeah. The Jew is cool. He puts like a little knife in there.

Right. Like a little shiver in there. Forget about it. But if you could see that that's where Nike found out about the Jew sneaker. When they, if Nike people got together, they said, listen, this all started with the Jew sneaker. Yeah. But they didn't know what to call it. So the swish, you know how that Jew, it's a J.

Oh, yeah? is twisted it. A lot of the motherfuckers don't see that shit. A lot of the motherfuckers don't see that shit. He's got Jews. That Jay is twisted for juice sneakers. See what I'm saying? This is what you learn.

If you've been watching dancing with the stars, you wouldn't have learned that shit. I just gave you a piece of sneaker fucking history that nobody fucking knows about. And today, no matter what Nike's making sneakers in Hong Kong, no matter whether they're five, six, three, they don't give a fuck whether you're jumping off a building after you make sneakers all day.

10% of every shoe goes to a Jew. in this country. Amen. People don't fucking know that. I guarantee Nike cuts a check to somebody, some fucking Bahamian corporation, and it goes right back to five or six Jews in New York

that said, that was us on the West Side in the 70s chasing little spick days with fucking shoe sneakers on, the originals. What? What? What? So you guys have been friends for a while. How did you guys meet? In prison. What the fuck? What's what the questions comes? I don't know.

It's interesting. What the fuck? We met at the comedy store. Yeah. When I first came out here 17 years ago That's crazy 18 years ago 17 or 16 years ago

Yeah And you're part of like Because you tell stories a lot About that one on Gardner I think Oh yeah 1440 North Gardner Mad Flavor lived there When they towed his fucking house

He was living in that car That freebie car And remember I got my car Toed So we could go in And get out your shit Put in my car and get my car That's that's

That's a fucking That's a good friend That's a good fucking friend You know it's We clean that fucker out I even took your mail out of there I'm not able It's really weird

Last week I was Talking to Lee one morning And I was Lee's getting started With exercise All good for you Lee Yeah it's been like three weeks You gotta get up in the mornings

And I told Lee You know Lee you're 25 years old And I can see that Lee looked at me We're like And I went home And for a week I made even a list of being 25

and what I felt at the age of being 25 and how all these guys around me have no idea that at 25 I was making $7,000 a month but I couldn't pay rent. Do you understand me? That's crazy. I tried to figure it out in my head.

I'm 63, so 85 years, 20 is 83, right? Five years to that is 88. Before I got arrested, that 18 months before I got arrested, I was selling Subaru's. I could sell a fucking ice cube to fucking Eskimos. I was making between 7 and 10,000 a month and I couldn't pay a $250 rent. That's how much I didn't have it together.

The car I had was a demo from the dealership. But the car before that, I bought a car when I was 21, that this electrical circuitry went on it and I came back for it three days later in Harlem and the Puerto Rican stripped it down to the fucking bone Oh my God To the cack, to the carcass

Why did you leave a car in Harlem for three days? Because there was two feet of fucking snow Oh, okay There was two feet of snow I went to put the window up And then I heard And the windows started going down And also the stereo started going

Like there was a bomb in it Like before fucking they killed De De Deiro And because you know Remember the sparks? That's how it came out. I didn't know what the guy. I hadn't seen a casino when I was a kid, but I thought something was going on.

So I got out of the car. We finally closed everything up. It was snow and it was an East Coast snow. Yeah. That was coming down. The flakes were fucking big. And me and my buddy said, why are we waiting in this car?

We got the eight ball. Let's get the train back. And we come back after the snowstorm. I came back after the snowstorm. The only thing that was left on that car was the bones. Was the chassis? That's what you call with chassis. That's it.

I was too scared to go back to a bank and get another loan. Do you know that that loan never appeared on anything? I've made three payments, maybe even four on that car. $212 dollars a month, $190,000, something like that. None of those payments appeared ever on my credit report. The loan never appeared on it, nothing. It was like a major known bank that just disappeared. Everything disappeared on that paperwork.

Wow. Everything disappeared from my credit report. But for years, I was scared to go back into that bank or any bank because they were going to charge me for that car I left in Harlem. So it wasn't until I met Ralphie again that I bought a fucking car. When I started dating Terry, I'm not kidding you. Like at 25, I didn't have a car. When I got out of prison, I had a car.

I bought a car. I'm sorry, I bought a car. I bought a couple cars. I had a Ford truck and I had an accurate integral. But after I lost a car in Seattle in 95, I didn't get a car again until 2005, bro. I used to borrow Ralphie's car. What happened was some girl gave Josh Wolf a car. Josh Wolf gave it to me, and she never gave Josh Wolf the registration.

Well, fucking Hollywood police saw the car, and every day they'd give me a ticket on the fucking car. I was living in the fucking car. I would live in the car and then go in, take a shit in a shower at Ralphie's house. This is no shit, right? Right, my Elkhompadjou. This is no shit. I don't go leaving the comedy store that'd be hot as fuck in the summertime. You don't know that saving that car is I had air condition.

It didn't leave it on, though. I had to leave it out all night. I had to leave the fucking thing on all night. Yeah. It's amazing. And when they towed his car, Coco, Matt, I had a studio apartment about as big as his office check. And we were in there. We were piled deep, smoking weed, making gumbo for Jesus, killing AIDS.

Dricking Bloody Mary. Oh, my God. I got so ways to drink You're trying to fuck Charlie Ferdick and shit in the muffler You're hilarious I remember you dick slapping her right there There you go bitch

Pau Pau Strong those years before everything She was so much fun to torture at night Yes Like just to have a drunk chick To torment and try to Like every night I tried to fuck her for a year

Nothing Nothing I would say shit to only eat your asshole Finger fuck you did that and she'd go like a little bit she'd get bent and she'd pick herself up and go yeah she'd realize what the fuck am I doing yeah hysterical hysterical hysterical

I remember one time in Lake Havasu that bitch pissed herself right because she was that drunk oh no this is when Jody Furty's ass was banging right so she's at the fucking thing she's

we're in Lake Havasu she tells me listen they only have one room so it was me her and like Ricky Cruz in the room and I'm praying that Ricky Cruz picks up a chick so I could fuck Jody Furty.

And next thing you know Ricky Cruz picks up a chick and Jody Furty's drinking those fucking tequila and I'm like, edge of the mind yeah, get her another one. And she's like, I don't feel good, perfect. And we start walking back to the room and this bitch is like to see her legs

are wobbling. We get back she pees and gets in the bed and I'm like getting ready to fucking give her a stab. I'm a dry hump her first and come in her ear and all this shit. I looked down on this bitch pissed herself. In the bed? In the bed?

The bed was pissed. The jeans were pissed. I was trying to do a line of coke and get my dick ready and shit. No. There was piss everywhere. I had to pick her up and put her in the tub. It was fucking horrible. I mean, she used to be a lot of fun, though.

She was a lot of fun. I mean, one night, do them blow it, and the cops pulled us over. She tried to put that blow in her snatch I'm like, don't even think about it. Don't even think about putting it up. When it melts or fucking like... No, it don't melt. I mean, we weren't going to put the Coke raw

in her pussy. It was around baggies and, you know, shit like that. What's up, Ralphie? Man, okay. The greatest Thanksgiving of all time, Super League, was the Thanksgiving 2006.

All right? We just got my house up in the hills and it was our first thing. Thanksgiving in it. And second Thanksgiving, my bad. And Coco's coming over. Him and Terry Clark had gone back to Tennessee.

And Coco was up there. And I cooked so much, man. We had a bunch of fucking, it was a party. A bunch of comedians. Coco smoked an ounce of reefer. I ate an ounce of mushrooms.

Oh, no. And laughed his balls off. Fucking went and took a big, super big shit in my fucking bathroom. Clogged it up. All right. Came back, ate another plate, smoked another two bowls. Okay, super fast.

And then went down to the comedy store and the rest that happened on that Thanksgiving is a legendary Thanksgiving. The wife and I made our first child. Okay, we got we were on mushrooms and we made our baby. But Coco still had a more memorable night than we did.

I went up on stage and everybody was purple in the audience. Oh, my God. But that's all I remember from that night. Those mushrooms were great fucking mushrooms. Those mushrooms are good mushrooms. That's the last time I probably did mushrooms. Really?

That was a great fucking party. How are mushrooms and acid different? Mushrooms are like black and white TV. Acids like color. Okay. HD. You know, it's different. But it's still just, I mean, it's good.

I probably did mushrooms in my life seven or eight times. And it was always, I tripped, but it was more condensive a trip. Like, it was over and four hours on this. I ate more with the acid I took, you're going for 12 hours. Twelve hours? Ten hours to come down where you think you're still not tripping. But when you take two hits of the joint, you start tripping again and shit.

Yeah, right. Seeing shit hiding behind the fucking reality. Yeah, man. I did, first time I did acid. I did five hits of acid with John Wesleying. in Houston and he and I tripped balls for about

46 hours Oh my Is that fun after 10 hours? No Oh my God It's not fun no more You wanted to stop But you can't stop

You're in the middle of it So you gotta keep on riding the wave Oh my God Yeah Yeah so like some of this weed Hits me for like 10 hours sometimes But I don't get in I never hallucinated or anything on it

I used to that You got to smoke more weed Right before my weed Right before my mom died, when I was about 15, was the first time I started fucking around with hallucinogenics. I didn't really know about them. In one, nine, eight, and something, I went swimming with these older guys.

We used to always do something on Sundays. And I went swimming with them, and I went home. I still remember I had an eight-track play, and the eight-track was Dark Side of the Moon. Oh, shit. And I went home, and that one song on the run, and that's the first time I really fucking tripped ass. like, trickly, that everything I looked at was fucking wavering.

Oh, my God. Posters on the wall were wavering, you know, if I got, and then I loved it, and I would just do it on the weekends. But then once my mother died, I started selling it, and I was doing it every night. And every night I had a fucking adventure. But one of the memorable ones was on my birthday when I turned 17, I was burrowed at the ass on acid. And I walked in the house, and I was, I'm looking at Mrs. Bend to the phone rang.

And she goes, you might as well grab it. It's probably going to be for you. Like, okay, and as I walked to the phone, I saw myself in the mirror. There was a mirror by the phone. Yeah. So I could see myself walking to the phone. And as I answered the phone, it was for me. You know, there was no caller ID back then.

So whoever was talking to me, I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll meet you at nine by the five corners. And also I caught a glance on myself. And I saw my chin just dropping. And that was the best. That was like, oh. Oh, fuck. You don't panic when that happens?

No, I never really fucking panicked. Like, I told you I can't listen to, like, one time I went home after you gave me an edible and I tried to listen like Black Sabbath because you was, and I couldn't, I didn't make it through one song. My heart started beating. I don't get nervous on weed by myself, but, like, I can't, like, Black Sabbath. I can't do any intense TV shows. If it's really strong, if it's like an edible, I can't. I don't.

It's, I'm run at that. lovely yet. Like when we're driving and we're fucked up when I'm blasting music I could see that you're panicking. Well, on the way home from San Diego last time when we were both high and you were doing about 80, maybe 90, AC on full blast

and all four windows down blasting blasting music. You ain't gonna smell shit, cop. We weren't smoking. We weren't smoking. It wasn't. We don't smoke. We don't smoke. We had about 100 milligram cooking each. I was so

fucked up. I was so fucked up. And then we got lost and it started hitting me and we started hitting kids. I started getting car sick. Like my daughter gets car sick, bro. So it's not good no more. Like now there's a point where when she starts taking the pacify out, and you go on, ah, that's what happens to me.

I get the acid reflux in my mouth. I get car sick since I was a kid. Even my uncle was like, oh, when we were kids, when we go to the beach, you always get fucking sick in New York City, always. So she gets it. go to Malibu. Whether we go to Paganga Canyon. Oh, yeah, Tampanga Canyon was killer.

4-05 to the 101. Don't matter. So, what was I talking about? I fucking tripping my ass on. I don't fucking... Oh, yeah, but getting too high on the way to San Diego? So we got so fucking high on the way to San Diego. I had to pull over and I lowered the windows and I get out of the car.

And this is how fucked up fay is. I get out of the car. I start breathing. I go to the island of Serenity. Yeah. I catch my breath. It's all going to be cool. And I look across the route.

road and there's flowers and a tombstone like somebody died there the week before and I'm like I'm dying with Lee and I even said something to Lee if we go down tonight and the fucking Indian casino was right around the fucking corner. Yeah. It's right around the fucking goddamn corner. It was amazing, man.

I liked it. I liked it when I said. Lee, I didn't know you did stand up. No, no, I don't know. He just came down with me to hang out. Sometimes they go to the shows and because of the podcast, some of the people know me now so I go and hang out. But no, I some people have asked me to but no I've never I enjoy I enjoy it too much and I know I wouldn't be good enough to do it

so oh man sounds like you got a little self-defeatism yeah a little bit but like I mean I remember watching I don't remember the name of the special but the one with Cuba diving in it oh yeah years ago girth of a nation yeah on I don't even if it was Netflix yet maybe it was Comedy Central it was Comedy Central yeah but it's just I like I've watched comedy specials for my entire life and it's just

it's uh that was 10 years ago yeah that was 10 years ago yeah wow so it's 15 wow yeah that's pretty crazy crazy Lee so it's uh I mean I who knows maybe one day I'll do an open mic but no I just I like going and hanging out of Joey shows

yeah right we goes to a lot of shows yeah crazy shit happens at Coco shows it doesn't happen any place else you know he gives me so much weed and sometimes I feel bad like I'm like people come out to meet me and I just can't talk but I feel like that's maybe what they want like some guys like you're high right and I'm like yeah

yeah right and they get all excited and then last we went to San Jose a year ago and he's going this weekend someone brought you liquid mushrooms and I was petrified that you were going to give me them I was like please don't give me liquid mushrooms and that was the night that Auntie Dolores came and I went outside to get air

but it was harder outside than it was inside and the doors to the improv locked and thank God she was coming down because I was petrified that would be locked outside for like two hours that was when I was getting anxiety attacks I was on the testosterone and I was fucking getting horrible

anxiety attacks so I'm at the whatever and I had it eaten like an edible 200 milligrams and anti Dolores came in and she had a 500 milligram brownie and I took half of it Does that even taste good?

It doesn't, right? It doesn't, right? It tastes good. As I'm putting it in my mouth, I'm like, what am I doing? Like, what am I doing? I'm eating this thing. The emcees on stage. He comes up.

I just got Butch on stage. Butch got 25 minutes. Like, all right, about at the 23 minute, when he came up to me, he goes, Butch, has two minutes left. I went to turn around. And like, my whole body just went. Like I could feel it

From my baby toes to Louis, the second toe The second toe. Louis, to the big toe all the way up To my neck, to the back of my I could feel it zz And I remember going to the manager The man of Indian guy He'd do me a favor

And he's like, what, Joe, what can I do for you? I go, get me something to eat anything. Like when you go in the kitchen, the first thing you see I don't care who belongs to And he kept trying to ask you what you want And the second thing he said was shrimp, and you're like, fine trim. Anything. It was right up.

And he came right back, and I ate two shrimp with the fucking tails and everything. Yeah, right. I ate a handful of French fries, and I was back. Wow. I walked down the stage of the improv. That's a long fucking walk. That walk got my breathing going. I got on stage, and bam, we were okay.

But I was getting big time anxiety at that time. Yeah. Big time. Like another time I was at that McCormick and Schmitz. by myself and that was the week I got the ear infection and I ate an edible

and I couldn't hear so I walked into my corner I'm sitting in the deep corner and my hearing was off so my equilibrium was off so the voices were going in and out of my ears and it sounded

and all the play started spinning between the hearing and the fucking and I'm like I'm not going to be able to make it to the door I'm going to have a nervous brain now that's the first time I thought I would have a nervous breakdown

I would go down and start shaking and they would have to go Joey come down I would just go fucking all fucked up and start stuttering and they'd have to like tie me up and shit give me a set of it like that's how much I was starting to get that type of panic and I started breathing breathing breathing and I got up and I didn't look at the door I looked at the floor I looked at the floor and walked to the door

and by the time I made it outside she's like Are you going to go, let me just get some fresh, and I got some fresh in, I was back, like herpes. You know what I'm saying, Lee? But no, no, I get them. I get that shit. Yeah. I always get that shit.

You got to be careful what you eat, you get that quickly. I've gotten, I took some stuff in the flu before that I was so panicked and had so much anxiety. I thought I was about to fall through first class on the airplane. And so you're up there. and you're in total fucking panic. You know, as you're fucking relaxing, supposedly.

You're just a fucking inside you're screaming. And you can't tell anybody, hey, I took way too much fucking of an edible. This is really fucking being hard here. You can't say that to anybody. When you eat pot on a plane, you're really, you're taking your life into your own hand. I didn't like it when you were doing.

And this happened to me two or three times where I've been close, one time from Chicago, one time from Miami, and I think there was another time. that I really had a, like I really had a fucking thing twice, like before the plane took off, but you just can't get up an abandon ship.

They'll fucking ID you and talk to you and ask you questions, why. By that time you're fucking falling apart. So you don't want to go through that, so you just close your eyes and fly and pray for the stewardess to get to you with something to eat. Oh, my God. You did it to me. We went to Austin, and we had to take that bus to the plane.

The bus that was like 25 minutes, and I did not like it at all. Yeah. I don't, you know what, man, I fuck around with people and stuff like that, but it is, it's, it's, it's, it's not for everybody. No, it's not. It's not, Ari had a hard time on a plane. Tom Segura had a hard time with an edible on a plane. When you give me a green hornet?

I give that, I give everybody a fucking green horn. Listen, if you're going to go, go. The thing is, you're not prepared. If you do, yeah. And I'm going to tell you something. One time I tell you what did give me anxiety, the iPod. Oh, yeah. The music.

Yeah, that music sometimes, sometimes. I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to hear the fucking airplane for a while. Just hear the whew and whatever. What do people used to do on airplanes? It sounds like a stupid question, but when there were no TVs and no iPod... They read, tape players. That's it, just reading?

They read, they got fucked up. There was always a movie. And there was a party, people were smoking and drinking. There was always a party. They were smoking and drinking on planes upstairs. First class used to be upstairs. Oh, shit. I remember flying as a kid.

And the first class was upstairs and had a guy on a piano. Yeah, and the fucking piano. That played. They had food on the fucking piano. One time me, my mom and my stepdad went to Puerto Rico. I was about six or seven. I was a little klepto already. I was already getting desires and shit.

And in the first class in those days, there was hair and creams. Oh, yeah. There was colognes. There was aftershave. I get on the fucking first class. I go in the back and look at this shit. I start hitting the aftershave the fucking thing. I'm six.

I'm hitting the aftershave. Like I know. somebody. I'm getting the hand cream. I go, what everybody? Well, how much is this that I get free? I go, what are you kidding me? I could steal with each of these and sell these for two bucks at the bar.

So I take the pute bag. That's my brilliant idea. I take the pute bag and I go back to first class and I fucking take everything. But I left the one thing open. Me, my mom, my stepdad, walked off the plane, were walking up the ramp. The people are happy to see us. We're happy to see them. The family were meeting.

And all of a sudden the fucking bag. sudden the fucking bag rips because I left the cream open. Oh, man. And the bottle ripped and all the bottles broke. In those days there was no plastic. Everything was made out of fucking glass. Yeah, right. Everything fell, broke, and the echo at the airport sounded like a gun went off.

Everybody turned around and looked at me. My mom just walked away from me. I'll never forget that I'll go and walk. And the cab going, really? We need to steal fucking perfumes. I'm going to kill you when we get to the hotel. I'm going to punch the fuck out of you in the hotel room. You know what I'm saying? Like, really, you need to steal perfume? I remember telling them, they were a dollar apiece.

It's 40 fucking perfumes. I was going to cut you in. Yeah, right. You went for the small nickel. I thought about you today. I stole something today. Would you steal? At lunch, the freaking Mediterranean place took like 20 minutes,

and they charged me like 15 bucks for like a small plate. Who's this? The Mediterranean place I went to, right? I dropped off my laundry. And they had a cooler right, like a small one with waters. And I was like, fuck, I want a water for lunch. And I didn't want to wait back in line. I just took one.

I held it below the kind of. counter and I like it was excited. I haven't stolen something for a while. I felt like I felt really good. I felt like it was exciting doing it. Man, you know Lee what the greatest thing was? We always have weed

and we always had a lighter because Coco would make his personal mission. Still every new big lighter set that came out from 7-11. The football fucking collection. He had all of the footballs. All the football. I'll get Terry to call in that one time. In my hat. In the living room.

When I moved in with Terry, there was a baseball hat in a draw. Not one time there was 60 lighters. And I was pissed. And I never paid for one. Not one of them. And I think I stole six was my record. At the 7-11 on Curzon, that guy in Sunset. They used to put the big lighters right by the register.

And I clipped two or three of them and pay. And by the time he looked at my hand, I was going in my pocket to take the cash out. So, what you? Oh, he went to get cash. He didn't put none in this bag. Yes, I did, you dummy. I'll put three lighters in that, dummy. Yeah, Coco was the best.

Always had fire. No, we always had fire. Always. Do you ever get caught? I got caught in Idaho one time, bringing the tent back. Oh, yeah. I got caught one time in Boulder when I was out on bail. One time I was out on bail, and, you know, it was funny.

Rogan went to Boulder, and when he came back, I asked him the first time. I go, what did you think? He goes, you know, for two hours, I thought about you in 19. It must have been like easy pickings. I go, you have no idea. Oh, yeah. That's land of the white people. Listen, you got to remember, for me, being a gangster or a criminal, wasn't stabbing people, robbing people.

For me, it was, I didn't want to sell drugs. If I could shop clip CDs every day from World Wars and get away with it, I would and I could. You know, I'm that simple of a fucking thief. And emboldering those days, it was Sears. Yeah. You know, first of off, it's a college town,

so there's always record stores that buy CDs at, you know, 60 cents a dollar. You don't know about that, do you? Mine was strawberries. Yeah, and I forget what it was on the hill in those times. That hill, that college hill,

I mortified that hill in 1985. Yeah? I mortified that hill from 85 to like 94. There was a student center. I took the watches. The staff, the watches. They were never hit to the watches even being gone. That's how good I was.

I took all the cross pens. If there was a cross pen in Boulder, I took it. I would sell it to this. I would sell it at the car dealers where I worked. I was a car salesman, but at lunchtime, I would go for Coke money. I would go to the things remembered. Those stores where they fucking,

they engrave all your shit. I would go in there and look for the, crossed pens and asked the lady to show me one and she'd open up the bottom drawer and pull one out and I'd go, oh I left my wall on the car and then she'd walk away and leave the draw open. I'd take 10 of them.

It was like every fucking dad did this shit. This was amazing how easy it was. Every fucking pen store. Did you ever, like, did they have metal detectors of the stores at that point? Because I always got, whenever I would steal something, I only did it probably less than 10 times

but I was always nervous making that step over the metal detector. You know, it's funny in Boulder. At that record store, they would buy anything. And the Sears, not the Sears. What's the Radio Shack? Oh, yeah. In 85, I'll never forget this.

In front of the Radio Shack, you know, they always put like C-Bs and like whatever's on sale. These motherfuckers put a CD player. This is when the fucking CDs first came out. I actually wanted that, I looked at that thing and I go, I made a mental note. Like, I'm taking that. I was never the finesse. Ness thief.

I was always the thief that you looked at and said, what's that guy doing? He knows what he's doing. We're not going to ask him. I would just go, I'd never figure I went, I looked, they were all in the back

of the store doing the search. Who did you get to drive the getaway? Nobody. This is when I was driving myself in Boulder. I fucking walked into the thing, looked into the back, they were all doing something. It was off to the side.

Yeah. And blocking them was like something. I unplugged it, wrapped it around, and walked it. You unplugged it? Unplugged the motherfucker That's strong.

And walked out of the store, I got my car. What I was doing in Boulder at that time, 85, was I'm embarrassed about, but it happened, and I can't turn the clock back. I was just paying my way, you know. I wonder if you could do it now. It would be a funny TV. It should be like, this guy was a theme 20 years ago.

No, because this is what's going to happen. This is going to happen. And today's, let's say, you had bombs working at these places. Yeah. And one day somebody comes in and they go, where the watches? the watches hmm and then

hmm they were just that's what I used to do like people go what happened I'm for watch I used to take the whole case

right like once I took a case one time I knew I could take a case all the time why take two watches

and you can take the whole fucking case I'm gonna sit there for two display case yeah like I'm gonna sit

sit there for two days fidgeting a lot yeah really I ain't the pink panther

I ain't gonna get in there I ain't no master thief so you just pick up the fucking display throw a jacket

on top and walk out like you own the thing you'd be surprised how many people would look at you and say stop thief because nobody would do something like that yeah nobody even if your mind caught it

you're like what is that man doing and unless you work there you're not going to say nothing right right so I would make sure nobody who worked there saw me but why would I have to fidget with something to take three pens when I can just look around disconnected put that

motherfucker over my shoulder on the river dirty You know what I'm saying? That's hilarious. Holy shit. I can't even imagine. I guess do you go to pawn shops to sell it? If you go to a pawn shop, they're going to do paperwork. Okay.

You know, they're always going to do paperwork, especially now. Now there's nothing you can sell. Everything has a fucking thing. You sell something. They take a fingerprint. Three months later, they knock on your fucking door. This came up lighting a robbery. You're done.

You're done today. unless you get some Russians who melt that shit and give you 80 cents on the fucking dollar which ain't gonna happen but they got them listen you go to Glendale

they'll take care of anything Yeah those cash for golds Yeah well those cash for golds Take the ID and the VIN But again Those cash for gold Give you a percentage of your gold Is worth

So if your gold is worth I'm just taking numbers here $20,000 for an engagement ring Because it's 10 ounces of fucking gold Okay whatever the fuck. What's golden ounce, Ralphie? It's over 2,000.

2,000. So 10 ounces, $20,000, all right? They're not going to give you $20,000. They're going to give you, they're going to try to give you 14. But you're going to zoom down to 16, and they're going to get it for 20,

even though it's worth what? When I say 20, they're going to get 19. 18. 5. So in the transaction, even if they make $2,500 in one day, that's not a bad fucking pay day. Especially they do 10 of those. Right. You know, they do 10 of those.

You know what I'm saying? So that's everything. So I remember robbing places and getting rid of the gold. One time I got caught in 10 of Flying, New Jersey. Because I bought gold, sold it, and I got nailed. I didn't rob it. I bought it. Somebody came out to me and said, you want to buy a chain?

I got 13 bucks, yours, boom. I went over, sold, got 200 for it. And three days later, I had two cops knocking on my door in 10 of Flying, New Jersey, for possession of stolen property. You're following me? So that's another one you never know about it. You might buy some gold.

It's got a VIN number on it or a little code on it or somebody lost it from a fucking house. But I've also gone into jewelry stores where I looked at them and said, Doug, I got a bag of fucking goodies in this shit. This is a big place across from hashways. Right across the street from hashways. There was a guy that bought rare coins and shit.

If you go in there, look them in the eye and go, don't take a look at this. What can we do today? He'd take a look at it and go. I'll give you 20 and a check. I'll give you $13.5 in cash right now. You want the check. You have to go to the bank.

They'll do so ID. They're going to take the VIN number on the check. Plus, I got to do paperwork on the stuff you gave me. So if there's a ring in here that don't belong to you, the cops are going to know about it in the three weeks. I'll give you $20,000 right now, the check. I'll give you $13.5, and nobody knows this transaction happened. What would you do?

13-5. Yeah, it's Friday. Fuck it. You didn't pay nothing for it. You just kicked the door down and picked up a fucking dresser. Some of your ladies yelling right now. Speaking of Northburg and just because I'm so fucking high, what would you do if you had a Chang's dragging in right now?

Because I'm getting to the poor. I'm hungry. Oh, man. You're going to get a fucking salad. You don't make the... That egg roll. I would walk into chans. I'd open up with two egg rolls,

an order of pork fried rice, a medium order of shrimp and lumps. the sauce. With no peas or carrots. No, fuck the peas and carrots. Bring them. Fuck it. It's all coming from Japan. Now, I'm going to glow in the dark anyway in three years. I went to that fucking Malibu Beach last week. Let me tell you some. When you walk out

in Malibu, has to fucking be there. I thought about it the other day. You could smell the Japanese radiation in that fucking water. Rocks were fucking dead. There were rocks that were dead in that fucking beach. There's everything. And my wife stepped on tar. Where did that tar come from?

That tar's from fucking New Orleans eight years ago, whatever the fuck that was. Something. Yeah, it's out there. The water system, that's why I was telling you that day, who's ever selling this fucking water, is making a million. Where's he getting this fucking water? What glacier? I want to see the fucking glacier. This is ocean water. Somebody's at home,

tipping champagne right now. Oh, without that. You see how much they, do they sell waters at the wine? They sell something at the wine, but there's a water father. What do I give a fuck? Because they sell a bottle like that at 24-hour fitness for $3.50. What do you think they make that money? off the $40 fucking fee that you pay them a month?

Hey, they got to pay a lot of people to back you. What did you pay for the initiation? 50, I think. 50 for initiation, 40 a month. Yeah. So you're going to give them what? You're going to give them a nickel for your first year, $350 a water every time you go there.

No, no, no, I bring it. I was going to get a bubbler, like one of those things, but you have to spend $30 a month, and I'm not spending that. What's a bubbler? Well, the tank, the thing you have, they deliver the big ones to the house, but they said you have to spend $30,

I don't drink 30 bucks of that because the freaking the big tub but itself is only like six or seven bucks I was like well that's like a shower fucking fucking nuts sex that's good water well yeah it is you call them bubblers what do you call them? I don't fucking know water

I don't fucking know I don't even have a name for it okay look at the shape of you yeah I'm getting pretty high I have like five more minutes what five minutes we got shit to do no no I'll be here I'm just saying you're fine you're going to be fine drink some water take some deep breaths cocks sucker he's flying.

That's the way he's supposed to be. That's why he's the fucking flying juke, because he flies. He don't fuck around. He is not fucking around. I know. I told him when I called him tonight. I said, how many fucking cheeboots are you going to eat?

He's lucky. They only have one. If not he'd be 10 of them. If I had 10 of him, he would have been, the Ralphie Mays in the fucking house. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. You have a reputation, especially on RAs,

because Ari talks about you all the time. Like, you were like the number one, like, between you two, I think, for like this tolerance for weed and like you would have like ounces and yeah I can't even you don't smoke at all no more no not there no edibles

no I do addibles but I have been doing the the breath strips the can of strips you still got them yeah how many you got left oh fucking shit are they still making them

still making them come on who's still making them Matt's Matt's are they still open they're not open in Hollywood anymore they're open downtown But I get it delivered. It's awesome.

Matt's downtown. Yeah. At the, what is it, the, what's the free with the 110 and the 101? No, what happened to the one in Hollywood? He closed it because he got a space down there. He's going to do a whole farm. So, you know, they're growing up. People are expanding.

That fucking Matt's OG used to be a good reefer. Seriously. Still good, Jack. That was a good. Still good. And he still has it down there? Still got it. He still has it.

downtown? Yes. Wow. I bumped into him at the mall. He was half losing bots. And he had long hair and he told me he got busted. Yeah. And he said he couldn't find spots anymore. So, you know. Yeah, he got busted and, uh, but then he got it back together. And then he closed it when his lease went out because rent was too high and, uh, opened it downtown, the 110 and the 101. You know, it's, uh, it's really crazy, Ruffy that you're here. because Lee wants to know all this shit. And it's amazing, man, that we were just kids in this town when we met. Yeah.

17, 18 years ago. He was a scared fucking kid. Yeah. Yeah. Just got here. Oh, man. My manager that brought me out here and got me the laugh factory and the comedy store and everything. A guy diagnosed with brain and lung cancer.

And I'm like, well, I'm barbecuing. Coco's over. I've spent $300 a month to sleep on Joy and Dina's apartment floor. Okay? All right. Everybody else is paying $150. I'm paying $3 to sleep on the fucking floor. What the fuck's happening here?

And I'm barbecuing outside and Coco's there and I'm telling him like, Joey, you know, this is real. And I'm at the brink of tears and he goes, what the fuck you're going to do? That bitch has got one foot in the grave another one on a banana pill. Let's go. Get it together. It's time to make a move. Jamie Massada had approached him

and said, I want to start giving you spots I want to sign you as a manager his manager at this point it wasn't

that his manager had the cancer she was already she had weeks left it was just a matter of time she was very sick

yeah you know we knew that she had the cancer for a while at this point it had gone a little too far

and it was just any day people knew her knew it was going to be any day you know so and Ralphie came up

to me He said he had the opportunity of the life time. I mean, you didn't want to tell her before she died. String her out, you know, she's going to be on like pills or whatever fuck they give them. Right. So that's what I told him. That was why I said to him, you know what? She got one from the grave on a banana pill.

You're going to be here 30,000 years after she's dead and gone, you know. So you've got to make your move now. You only got one shot at this. And that was the rest. I thought he took over the Stanhope thing. That was the little Stanhope boudoir. Yeah. He made it his own.

and then Gavin lived in the building who was now a bellman. Really? And a hotel in Hollywood. Yeah, he hid from Teddy's wife last week or two weeks ago or some shit. Oh, wow. You know, he's still telling people

he's a fucking producer. That's another earthquake. The producer. You know, the one lady, Celine, is in Ohio. Yeah. Jody Furdig is now the landlord. Oh, my God. 1440.

Of 1440. And 1440 was a comedy college. It was. It was a comedy dorm room. It was a comedy dorm room. It was a comedy college. You didn't know what you were going to end up there. I saw Jay Moore there.

Right. I saw so many people in that fucking building. Dice Clay. Was it close to the store? Like, why do you think? Because Ralphie lived there. We had barbecues. Ralphie always had...

I remember one night he deep fried a fucking turkey back there. But what the problem was, there was four other people. Once Ralphie lived there, somebody else moved in, Gavin moved in. Right. Then Salinas moved in. Then Gentry moved in. So those were the original four. Well, that's like, fuck.

starting up a city there. This building was a quiet. Stacey was there for a long time. Stacey was there. It wasn't a quiet building. It wasn't a quiet area. No. When we first moved there, it was hookers.

Everywhere. I was in there snort and blow with Joey, and I heard some fucking guy telling the hooker the suckers dick, right? Like, you've been sucking my dick and all I feel, his teeth. I mean, it was fucking crazy. It was crazy, but they cleaned.

And then there was a dead hooker. When you first got there, they killed the hooker in the front way before. ever got there. Right. But when Ralphie first got there, this is what the situation was.

So this is, Ralphie lived on, what was the name of that street? Gardner. Yeah. The street next to it was Vista. And I was sleeping on Josh Wolf's couch. So Josh Wolf and his brother

lived in this crazy building on Vista. He lived on a potentially crazy building on Gardner. Gardner. And the block over, Sierra Madre, had Nick DiPaolo. And fucking Mitch Headberg. Yeah. It was a bopping neighborhood.

You'd bump into people. You'd bump into fucking people. Big stars. Yeah. You know, and Stanhope lived on the block after that. Yep. So he lived on Curzon. So Curzon, Sierra Bonita.

These are all streets that are one after another, all the way to fucking vista. So it was a comics paradise there, you know? So you just criss-crossed. And it was just, listen, man, I don't remember, I remember 20 years ago. But I have a hard time remember. I'm like Ralphie's like that.

Oh, man, because we were fucked up. We go there at night. We drink. Ralphie's vodka. You know, Ralphie didn't have no money. No. I had $2. Jody had $3.

Ralphie gave you the fuck he had. Those gumbos, he cooked those other curate. His mom would send them money or somebody at the laugh factory. He'd work somebody to write jokes for it. Right. He was always very thoughtful and very generous with us, but we didn't have no fucking money. But we always drank vodka.

We drank that Bloody Mary mix in Texas? Yep. What was the name of it? Mrs. Tees? No, no, no. No. It's a... It's fucking amazing.

And I've never even told you I drank Bloody Mary. No. It's the Bloody Mary. It's a Texas blend, and I can't remember the name of it. Delicious. God damn it, so good. But you think back, you think that that was us. Like, do you ever think back that that was us?

Five kids in the building. Yeah. And there was always Ricky Cruz was there. Right. Baselo de Morte was there. Yeah, Basil. Bezo de la Morty. The guitar player, we used to call him the Kiss of Dead.

It was the Kiss of Dead. So he used to say in Spanish, Bezzo. De La Morte! De La Morte! Oh, my God. We'd yell it. Why do you guys call me the Kiss of Dead? There was just, it was, I mean, I can't tell you all the sexual situations I got into in that building.

Oh, so many. Just disgusting. To the roof to the second floor. To the laundry room. To the laundry room. To the laundry room. D-room. It was disgusting.

It was just a disgusting situation. I never got my dick sucked by Tessa. No. Who I wanted. She said that she'd suck the, you know, the inside of your dick hole has that skin? She sucks to wrap her right out. Usually don't lose that skin to you about 48.

When you're 48, you'll be bang one day, and the skin from inside your pee-hole falls out. The skin inside the pee-hole? Yeah, like lizard skin. You ever see a lizard when he sheds his skin? Yeah. Well, Tessa would suck it out of you when she was, when you were 20. That's how good of a dick she sucked.

I never got my dick by Tessa. Everybody else in the building got that dick sucked by Tessie. Tess never sucked my fucking dick. Unbelievable. One time I was going to do laundry, and I stopped halfway down because Coco was banging some little girl on the fucking wash machine. And it's like, I'm not going to go down there and cock blocking. I can't imagine you're quiet.

Like, you can't be... Oh, my God. It sounded like he was beating the shit out of that machine. Boom, boom, boom. Oh, God, oh, God. I'm like, oh, fuck. Fucking crazy, crazy. Crazy shit, man.

Lee, we've had some fucking good times, man. As Coco ever told you about Bobbol and Doblins, okay, this motherfucker bombed on eight minutes, bombed, and gets a smoking hot shot. chick in the fucking refrigerator downstairs eating her pussy and digging in her fucking pocketbook after

he did her blow looking for a hundred fucking up, I'm only pulling up five. That was a chick I robbed from the laugh back. That's a different bro. This chick, I met her. I was talking to her in the hallway after I bond. Alonzo Bowden was talking to a friend

and I'm talking to this girl. I'm fucking crazy at the time. I'm fucking crazy, bro. I'm fucking crazy It's 915 Maybe Five after 9 maybe I just get off stage

It's packed It's so packed That there's people On the stairway Watching the show Which is impossible But that's how packed it was And you would say

What did he say And there's these three girls In there that it just You could tell That they fucking went out To get some action And one of them came up me like, oh my God, that was so good.

I obviously didn't watch the set because I just died in front of 300 people, executives on a Tuesday night at the fucking double. But the beauty of this was I'm talking to the girl. We're talking about this and that and blah, beep, but a pooh.

And she says to me that she's got blow. And I go, really? Oh, my God. No, I don't have to lie to anybody. I went out with $2.50 in my pocket. $2.50. cents, maybe. And a book of matches.

And a book of matches. Maybe. Maybe, guys, $2.50. I got no reason to lie to nobody. So when this chick says cocaine, my ears pop up. My intentions were to do a bump with her. Those are my intentions. She goes, do you want to do a blast?

I go, yeah, what do you got? She goes in April. Oh, fuck. It's going down. She's got three and a half G, G, Bose of Coke. It's a Tuesday night. I got $2 in my pocket. That means I'm going to have to, for me to get a package,

I'm 18 minus. And how much do you get for 20? 20, you get a little couple tastes, but at least you get the party started, then you get more confidence to borrow more money. So, fuck it. I'm $18 away from getting my first package, but this crazy chick who's not bad looking comes up to me.

She's pretty good looking at. Yeah, and tells me she's got an egg baller cook. Big tits. Nice, jeanets. So I go, where can we do it? She goes, I don't know. So come on follow me. You know me.

I'm a fucking, I walk down. I got a plan. I got a plan. and I hold up this door and it's a beer freezer. And they got light in the middle and the door closes over here and they have shells with cases of beer and cases of whatever

and cakes and stuff. So give me the bag. And there's a cake. There's a couple of kegs in the middle. I go give me the bump. She takes it out. We're doing a couple bumps. We're bumping. We're bumping, yeah, man, this is great. You have got great tits. And she's like, you're like, oh, yeah.

Show me one of those motherfuckers. And this chick pops out one of these fucking monsters and I'm sucking on this fucking nipple and I start feeling her fucking monkey and she's moaning and grown and I say to her, has anybody ever put a Coke rock on your pussy and ate it? And she goes, no, I go,

tonight's your lucky fucking night. And I pull her pants off, I sit down on one cake and I put each leg on a cake. And this chick's got her jeans off except for one leg, the jeans hanging off to one leg. And I'm doing bumps and she's like, slow down with my coat, oh yeah, whatever.

And I'm doing bumps. And I got on my hands knees to eat her out. So I start licking, you got to put a little humidity on the pussy so the coke sticks to the monkey, you know what I'm saying? And I wanted to get the piss off. That's the worst thing. So I sniffed it, it was fine. I licked that little fucking dragon. The wings opened up, and I put a little coke rock in and then I'm blowing

in there. I'm making the coke. Pick up momentum, right? Like a fucking I'm blowing the coke in her pussy. And I can see that pussy's starting to move. It's making that spider movement when you, like, throw water to the spider. It's running up the fucking thing. and I'm eating a little monkey

and she's starting to mown and also the door whips open and it's a Hindu with two big guys behind and she's like, put on your pants, you fucking whore. And he goes, now this time when I was eating a pussy I was finger, I took the Coke and put it in my sock

because I was down here. I wasn't going to leave it on the floor and step on it or whatever on somebody's floor. So when he came down, he goes I already contacted the police police is on their way we know you have drugs put your pants on you all and she's like

did you just call me your heart and now she's getting into the argument with this fucking hand girl fuck you don't you don't you call me and I'm like dog fuck this shit so I'm already looking at the door

but he's got two doormant with him let's walk upstairs we have the cops waiting for you I'm like what the fuck so I get out to the front and somebody I see somebody and I go tell Joe Rogan the cops got me here

the cops were not there yet the three doormen were watching us the two dormant and the one Hindu dormant. But I was in one side, and the girl went to her girlfriends. And the girlfriend's like, what's the problem? What seems to be the problem? And he's like, don't worry. Between me and her, she cannot leave. And the girl's like, leave. And she's like, I can't. Leave, leave. And they're going back and forth.

And the next thing I know, I'm sitting there, and Rogan comes out with Willie Barsena. And he goes, what happened? I go, dog, they caught me in her pussy, and Rogan's howlons. No, they didn't. and Willie Barsen. So Rogan goes, I'm going to stay here. You got my number. Here's a hundred bucks.

Call me when you get to the police station and let me know what's going on. Like, all right, fuck. I'm looking around. The one door guy is looking this way. The Hindu, the one that came downstairs, is talking to the girl and her friends. She's saying that it was me.

Now, meanwhile, I'm holding tough, that ain't ball in my sock. Plus, Rogan threw me a yardstick. Right? And I'm sitting there, six, seven minutes go by, and the one fucking door guy is watching me. He's like 10 feet away from him, but he's looking at me so I don't go nowhere.

And I'm even, like, talking to people, and he's like, oh, excuse me, don't go nowhere. The cops are coming. So I know he's watching me. So I look up, and who do I see coming from Miyagi? You could eat my main dog right here, Ralphie, man. That's it.

The wheel man. Walking across the street. Don't be as fuck. When he comes to me, go, go, dog, get your car. because as soon as he came to me, something had happened so the dog guy that was watching me knew I wasn't going to go nowhere. So he started helping somebody else in the situation. This is at the old Dublin.

So once I see Ralph, I go, Ronfrey, he'll get the car. He goes, I have a spot. I go, Ronphe, he goes to the fucking car. Ralphie goes, gets the car. He pulls up. This guy goes over to help, and I just walk over to the side, get in the car, and I'm headed home.

I got the eight ball and I got the yardstick from fucking road. As we're leaving, the police lights pull up. into, I mean, literally, 30 seconds. Fucking craziness, girl. That was a fucking great night. Fucking craziness, dog. This is how crazy it was. You smelled like pussy.

I love it, man. Pussy and fucking bleach. Yay. So funny. And like a week later, I find that I'm banned from the fucking Dublin. Okay. I was banned for eating some chick's fucking monkey at the Dublin. That's a true fucking.

story, though. Dublin is closed now with some engineering place. But Ralphie saved me. She said me, fucking saved me out of that. Man, we had some good times. How about the sexy librarian? She's still around. She got kids? Yeah,

somebody bumped into her. I saw her a couple years ago, three, four years ago. Where's Laura? Lauren? Lauren. Yeah, I don't know where she is. Eric Marina would know.

I haven't seen that. Marino either. I haven't seen none of those people, man. No. What about the chicken Florida? They used to cut hair with the blonde. Oh, yeah, yeah, Charlene. She had a kid yet? No, no. That pussy's pristine. She's ready to get the party started any time.

You go down there. No, I'm a fucking more party. I don't have no party to start with nobody now. I don't have the patience. Yeah. I don't have the fucking patience. But they can get you great rapier when you get down there. I don't even smoke.

Sure. That's right. Tomorrow I'm going to San Jose. As soon as I get off the fucking plane, I'm making him a fucking call. And the kid who got us the tooth to call into the podcast, his assistant, Danny Ahern, he's hooking me up. He works at a fucking weed store now in San Jose. So he already emailed me the menu from the store.

And he goes, make a list, and we're dropping it off at 10 o'clock. When I went to San Jose last year, they made least high a weed. just the guys, that's what he said. He's like, he grew to himself. That was the highest I've ever been. Remember that one that I couldn't talk, and you and Butch were showing me the hooker website on his phone, and then the next night he called me,

and I started cleaning out the room. We told him we had a hooker downstairs. He's coming to suck you dick. He goes, I mean, he made my bed and everything. Because I'm sure you know, he calls every 10 minutes when he wants to torture somebody. So every six minutes, we're coming. I was always straight with Coco, so I didn't get it too bad unless I punched somebody out at the fucking post office.

He got me on that one. I ain't going to lie. But the worst was Bobby Slate. The torture you did Bobby Slate is one of the landmark all-time-grade torches evolved. I mean, it's pinnacle. Dog, I've had people throughout my life that I dedicated my everyday waking of tormenting them. In Boulder, Colorado, I used to sell cars at the Chrysler Plymouth Place. And there was a kid Rob Dando, who was a bass player, but he sold cars,

but he snorted coke like it was nobody's business. By 4 o'clock in the afternoon, this guy would be sweaty, his glasses would be soggy, he fucking nose would be dripping, and he'd be out there selling cars. And I'll tell you what, if you walked on that lot and you were confused, you left with a car, Jack. That was a salesman. So most of the pens that I stole the cross pens, he bought, but they had to be maroon. Cross pen made a special maroon pen. So I would bring the pen, selling them for high cost.

And I was a salesman, too. I would wait for him to be in mid-deal. And I'd run in his office and steal the pen. Okay? He would come back and look for the pen, and he would tell. the sales manager, I can't go back in there without my lucky red pet. So I would take the red pen and put it back in the original box and resell him another one for another 20. And in the middle of the lot, because he would get coked up and he'd put the pen down.

I clipped that same pen about 15 times. And then I just started taking them and, you know, those drop ceilings? Yeah. I started putting them in a rubber band. and after nine months one day I gave him the whole rubber band with my 20 fucking cross pens

and he never he won't even friend me on Facebook that's how much I tortured that motherfucker I took his I worked there for 18 months I took a pen a week and he finally said somebody has to be taking my fucking pen

because I would lose them and they disappear okay I was you know when you sell cars there's always a competition for the top salesman. When I got out of prison, I got a job at Mitsubishi on 104th.

And you had 104th in Arvada is where the professional car salesman go. Not only are they good salesmen, but they know how to throw other salesmen out of the game. That's what good salesmen do. They throw other salesmen out of the game. But you've got to be careful than cracking somebody else.

You don't crack yourself. Right. Because sometimes you could crack somebody so hard, you might crack yourself. When I went to Mitsubishi The first two months I was a salesman month I got you an extra five grand

bro I was getting married I was in the halfway house I was selling below those cars that you see What's a big Mitsubishi car Eclipse? In those days if you sold

any clips you made $700 in Eclipse because you sold for MSRP There was no negotiations So that's why I went to work for them This place didn't even have It was called I don't even know what the fuck it was called Didn't even have you used cars

And the salesman would make 10 grand. You usually need to have a used call out to make 10 grand. Really? That's how many eclipses. People call us in Wyoming. If you have a blue eclipse five speed, I will give you my credit card on the phone right now. I will be there tomorrow to pick it up. Wow. So if you had the

most numbers, you get five grand, $2,000. Yeah, my dad had an eclipse in the 90s. Yeah, so... Well, I'm the sales in a month for two months. If I hit the third month in a row, I could book shit, I could pick my

on desk. Fucking the first some little bald-headed white dude walks in that's a nerd. But motherfuckers, this dog could hunt, Jack. Yeah. He's got me. The first day he sells three cars.

Sells like two the next day. It sells like two more the next day. I'm fucking cracked. But I got 20-something days to get this motherfucker. And you know me, you got to kill me. So I start going in and knocking him back. I'm the first guy you talk to.

You know, you got to get out there and edge the other guy. You got to keep edging the other guys. So after about a week, I got to go to work. So I would get there late in the morning and call all the bald dads. You know, call me if you're going bold. Oh, no. I would call all the bald people.

And they go, who's this? And I go, Lisa, I'm so sorry. Listen, my phone is jacked here at work, and you call me back. And they would go, sure, what's your number? What are you interested in buying? I go, a couple wigs. A couple wigs. They go, all right.

What's your name? And I go, Lysayat 666, give me about 10 minutes. And sure enough, I would hang up and this fucking MoMo would walk in, open up his desk, and they would call. To the angle, Steve, pick up line two. And he'd go, hello? I didn't order no fucking wigs, and he'd hang up the phone. I sent him everything.

The Wazley, Bosley's cousins. I sent them every, in those days, all you had to do is rip something out of a magazine and put your address on. And they would mail you your shit about more. Did it work? Did it piss them off? Oh, every day. And then I went into Plan B. Once I was like two or three cars away with

and wanted to ban Plan B. He was a chronic smoker. He smoked cigarettes. I would put loads in his cigarettes. You know those magician things you buy at the stores and their cigarette blows up? Right? This is the best.

I got this motherfucker. We're going neck and neck, bitch. I ain't going home. Right. And when the store opens, I'm there 15 minutes before. And I'm there late at night. selling coke. I'm crazy. I'm in the halfway. I'm at BCTC

and Bold. I'm level four. Which keeps me out till midnight plus gives me furloughs. I got them all confused. I'm getting married September 8th, 1890. I'm selling blow with three hands and I'm selling cars with three hands. They don't even know I'm selling cars. I'm on a pager.

I got those bitches on a pager. So whenever they were called me, I just called back and go, where are you? I'm selling cars on Mitsubishi. All right, thank you. I could be at Ralphie Mays. I was weighing a fucking eight ball. I had these motherfuckers on call when I was in the fucking halfway house. So it's the last day of a month. It's a Saturday with Tide.

They got a bonus for the day, a bonus for top salesman. If I beat this motherfucker, I walk out of here with like $6,000 on bonuses. Guess what? You're going to have to fucking shoot me. I see that he leaves and I fill up all his cigarettes. It fucking loads. I mean, I put the whole box in there. If it calls for one in each cigarette, I put three fucking loads in there.

and I pushed him in with toothpicks. So the first one don't get you. It's like Vietnam. If you miss the first mind, the second one will get you. If you miss the second mine, the third mind will get you. You think I'm fucking crazy. He comes back in. We're going neck and neck.

Bam, I sell a car. Bam, I get on the board early. This motherfucker, bam, sells a board early. Now we're tied. But guess what, boys and girls? While he's selling the mother, the car, the daughter says, I think I want to fucking call.

I'm cracked. I'm cracked. I'm sitting in that office going. And all of a sudden I hear Steve go, do you ladies mind, if we went outside, if I went outside and smoke a cigarette,

here's what gets better. Both of them go, no. As a matter of fact, can we get one? Oh. Doug, you can't write this. It was legal

to smoke inside then? Yeah. He takes his cigarette. He hands them two cigarettes. He's trying to be Joe fucking gentleman. and he lights her cigarette he lights the other one's cigarette he lights his cigarette and within two minutes

you hear bam bam and all of a sudden he's holding up to his cigarette like on a pause added on a delay and that motherfucker said

bam the three cigarettes exploded the mothers looked at each other they got up and walked out of the office that dude looked at me took the picture of his wife off the desk, put it in his briefcase, close that motherfucker, and walked out of that.

I won the contest. You understand me? That's called American ingenuity, bitches. That's how fucking real Americans do it. If I'm not going to dazzle you with brilliance, I'm going to basil you with fucking bullshit. Okay? I beat this motherfucker three months in a row, and the last

month I put explosives in his fuck. There was a comic of Seattle named Rod Long. And he hated black comics. But he hated one particular black comic, Count Hopkins III. That was not his name on the beach. Yes, it was. His name was Count Hopkins III.

And one day, somebody just twisted Rod and said to him, Doug, we saw Count... He saw Count Hopkins III do one of your jokes. Oh, no, he didn't. That Negro, better be not be doing another of my jokes. He approached Count Hopkins. I'm like, nah, I never did none of your jokes and shit. So every time I'd be in the car with Ron Long,

I'd just drop it on him. Dog, I was at the club, and I'd count out because they're one of your jokes, know that Negro didn't. I'll go down there and beat him right now. Yes, he did. And he would tell me, Joe Diaz,

someday he's going to give you a business card, he's going to say professional torture on it. Because I used to torment him. Torment him. And once I'd buy it into him, like I would have people call him. Like, I would have, like, Josh who would call him. say, Rob Long, listen. Can I talk to you for a second?

I think I saw Cal Hopkins. No one of your jokes. This guy didn't care if anybody did his jokes. He just didn't care. He just didn't want to Kyle Hopkins doing one of his fucking jokes. Do you understand? So funny. So funny.

Tell him how you torture Slayton. That was a great stories, man. Bobby Slayton is the same that the person you could torture, is somebody who's got like an addiction. You know, and I know it is to have an addiction for somebody to torture me. So the Bobby Slateon stories are like this.

Our friendship, I love Bobby. He's one of my best friends in the world. But our friendship was based on our little cocaine habits, you know, our craziness cocaine habits. So I would call Slayton. I would tell him I get good Coke. You know, I'd get him the best Coke in the world at that time.

El Campitre or had another deal of the Armenian. And I would get them the best blow in the world. And then he would call me, you know. Martel, Cartel. But here's the problem. Here's the problem. In those days, I was all business until I got my package.

Once I got my score for the day, I didn't care who you were. I wasn't leaving the house again. Right. So he would bother me. Like, I didn't go, Diaz. I need, you know. So I would call him like on a Tuesday,

and he would say to me, Diaz, I'm going on whatever this week. Can you drop something off at my house? So I would say, all right, leave the money in front of you. So he would leave the milk money. I'd go up to take it from under the meal. milk thing, like under a statue

or something that he would have. And then I go, what do you want me to put? And he'll leave it under the statue the next morning. I wouldn't leave it there. And he would call me next day, where's the blow? It's under the statue. I'm telling you, it's there. You swear, I swear. Who could have done it? I think my wife is doing blow. She's been acting funny later. But then

I would get him on the road. Now, when you're a comic, you know, Ralphie goes to where I go. And I go where Ralphie goes. Okay, Ralphie might do a theater. But I still know the general area. And we still know the same drug dealer.

So when you go into any town, I'll call you and go what do you need? And you'll say, I need fucking heroin, I need a bazooker. Done. I got a guy. They'll be at your fucking hotel room

in 15 minutes. I'm very serious. When I was doing blow, when I was doing blow, if you called me and said I'm in Tampa at the Hilton, it's four in the morning,

I need a package, I'll say, give me 15 minutes. I'll get a package to at least delivered to you downstairs. Did they give you like a couple points or something? No, nothing. I just, you know, fuck it.

You need some powder. I dealt with professional people. I didn't want to deal with people who only sold Coke from 8 to 5. I dealt with people that came alive at 2 in the morning. That guy in Houston, he used to run the comedy club. As soon as you walked in the comedy club, he did sound, that package was put it right in your hand. Rifa and blow. You didn't have to go nowhere else.

You called. I would call Houston ahead and go, Doug, I'm going to be at the last stop on Friday. Be there at 7 o'clock. Yeah. Before I went on stage, the package would be. that. And if you were going to Houston, you'd tell me, dog, when I go to Houston, I need it back and done. The deal will come up to your

Friday night at the fucking club and put it right in your hand. You've told me before that you can do it on stage, where you'd mention it during the act, but let's say I took you to one city you haven't been to, right? And you're not doing comedy. Could you find we, like, how do you I would never, like, no girl has ever come up to me, like, I have coke. So I go up on

stage. No, let's say you can't do it on stage. I'm always going to do it on stage. That's how you're going to do it. You're going on stage. Listen, people, I'm not selling nothing. Some comics have stuff for sale after a show, T-shirts, see these. I'm not going to sell nothing,

but I'm not going to buy. You know what I'm saying? And that's what you got to say sometimes. I'm not going to buy. See what happens? See the only people come up to you with a Vicodin? Or a fucking hit of X. I got two hits of X at the house.

White Lightning. I'll have the balls to do them with pussy. I won't do it. But it's in the straw. Ready to fucking go. Every night, my own is the Led Zeppelin since I've been loving. I'm like, I should put this fucking out and lose my fucking cacuzza. Amen to that.

So the top thing I would do to Sladen, which was the beauty of this whole scam. Okay. Was he would call me like on Wednesday, I'm leaving tomorrow. Can you get me something? I go, no, to torture him. Because now I knew I was going to torture him long distance. I wouldn't get him cocaine. I always get you cocaine in L.A., but I wouldn't get it from him because now I could torture him.

And when he'd get on the plane, he'd call me that morning and go, Diaz, all I got us like, I was like, a half a gram that lasts me until Sunday. You got to help me out. And I go, you know what? Where are you going? Houston. Get that motherfucker and do it all. Really?

Yeah. Do the whole fucking package before you get on the plane. By the time you get to Houston, I'll have a tell you about the Chinese guy. What Chinese guy? This guy's got mother-of-procane. Come on, does he really? Yeah, mother-of-fucking pearl.

You know how many kilos? He's got left from the old days like 10. But whenever I go to town, he gives me a couple G-boes. I'm going to have him drop off some G-boes. and I would sell it to him. When was the last time he did blow? And he sucked it, and you left it behind your throat.

And it was sweet like fucking corn. And it went down your throat nice and numb. And I could feel him fucking his dick getting hard. When somebody does blow in their professional, and you talk to him like that, and you tell him that your dick still gets hard and you don't have to shit. He would go crazy.

Come on. What times are you going to show up? Don't worry about it. He'll be there. Don't worry about it. Just do the package. You're in good hands. You're in good hands with allstate.

I would wait until he get to Houston. Okay. At Lee, by the way, Coco, after he puts down the phone with Bobby Slayton, is calling me and telling me how he's torture Bobby Slayton. And I have done fucking laughing. I'm like, how long you think he can keep his string? And he goes, until Sunday.

Until Sunday. Tell Sunday. I would call Bobby. Let's say I told him that the car was going to drop off the Coke at 10 o'clock. Yeah. Twice an hour, every hour, call Slate and go Slayton. This guy's Coke. is so fucking good. My friend just got a

grand from him. He said his fuck his head is numb. He had a call word. He couldn't go in because his eyeballs. He couldn't see. What times he's showing up? I would just call him twice an hour and build up the Coke that this thing was direct from Colombia. It belonged to the three Chinese wise men. They stole it

from Pablo Esco. I would just call him with outlandish stories. Just outlandish shit. And by 10 o'clock he would be fucking guzzan at the mouth. And then I would forget all about it. I go to the comedy store and do my stuff.

And about 12 o'clock, my fucking phone would start ringing. The pager. And it would be Bobby or the pager. And I would wait a little while. And then let's say you worked in Houston. Let's say you worked for... By the way, everybody, you got to understand. Coco had a pager like three years after the last J.J. King of the Beepers fucking closed down.

And J.J. King of the Beepers. He's doing time. No. What's the chick that went for hooking? that was married to, that was dating the dude from the movies, that did a bunch of movies and lost his mind. She was the hooker that was with fucking the madam that was with Sheen. Heidi Fleiss.

He was her partner. JJ, when me and Ralphie moved to this town, JJ, the king of beepers, was everywhere. If you had $10, you had a pageer with your name monthly. I got a Skynet pageer with an 800 number from $10 a month. If you didn't get there on your day, one minute late, he shut your shit down. Yeah, by Hoyswack.

It was a $15 fucking recharge. By Hoys Walk. Right behind Hoy's Walk. JJ, the King of Beepers. They had him there. They had him on Melrose. He had 10 fucking stores, JJ, the King of Beepers. Yeah. That's what we're talking about here.

Bobby Slate. Oh, Bobby Slate. Let's say you did the lap stop, whatever. You'd always stay at the... At the... The hotel they tore down. Right, the fucking Christ, what's the name of it? Garden Inn.

Garden Inn or something like this. I knew the Garden Inn. So I would call him and go, dog, you're at the garden. I wouldn't tell him, I go, where are you at? He goes, I'm in Houston. I go, all right, beautiful. Where do you stay there? You go, the garden in.

I go, right, let me call you back. And I hang up the phone. I call the garden in and go, yo, what's a landmark? Close to the hotel. And they go, down the corner. There's like a building. like call Bobby Slayback I'm like all right you have to fucking whatever

pull out make it right and walk three blocks and stand there with your jacket on with a red hat on that would make it but the best I did it too in Cleveland I did it too in Cleveland in December in every city I had a different person in like Chicago I had white pot of mom

she was a Chinese woman that sold Coke to the Triads in New York had Columbia and Joe nobody really existed Nobody existed. How many times did he fall for this? 80,000 times. All that, all the time.

And years in a row, I do it to him in Vegas. I do it to him constantly. Did you ever, like, actually get it from once so he'd think you were real? Never. Oh, my God. Never. But the best torturing ever was one night I'm by myself.

I'm sitting there. I'm not married. I'm with Terry. I would be together like seven years. And my phone rings and this is girl. And she goes, Joey, how are you? And I go. Now I had known this girl.

She was dating one of our friends, and they broke up. And you always knew this chick with bad news. You always knew this chick was a freak. He just knew when the shoe was going to drop. One night she called me, and she goes, I'm in the neighborhood. I'm out of gas. Can you bullying me $20 till next week? And I saw her nut.

She pulled up. She had a mini skirt on. Her pussy was out. Her one tit was out. And I'm like, oh, I know what time this is. I gave her the twine and say nothing that night. It said, none of the night she called me. If you take me on the road?

you know, I'll hang out with you and stuff and I'm like, this ain't gonna work. This chick is crazy. But then I get her to call me. I wasn't, I forgot all about it. And I got a call one Sunday night. And she's like, listen, I'm doing this movie and I got a chance to get the sag.

It's $1,500. I need $1,500 to borrow $15,000. Ralphie knew. Yeah. I maybe had $35 of my account. So I'm like, all right, you need $1,500. No problem. I got it to you. I go, so listen. She was cute

and young. I go, so what's going on with you? She's like, what are you talking? I go, well, $15,000, you know, wouldn't even pay me back. And she goes, well, once I do the movie, I'll get my sad card, I go, listen, forget all that. Let's get a whole entire room. Let me eat your little pussy and fucking

fuck you a little bit. She's like, I don't know. Come on, how bad's going to be? Let me eat you pussy. And she was all in. She's like, okay. And I'll fuck you you, too. And I go, what about suck my dick? She goes, I don't know. I don't do that. I go, you're going to be doing $15 a hundred dollars. So whatever you don't do, I got, let me call you back.

So this goes on for about an hour, and she goes me back and forth. He's with me. No, no, not yet. I have not seen Ralphie yet. In the middle of all this, on the last call, she goes, okay, what hotel are you going to meet me? I go to the four seasons. Go to the four seasons of Marina Del Rey. Now, meanwhile, I got $35.

Ralphie calls me. He goes, what are you doing? He goes, what are you doing? He goes, I'm downstairs. Come on down. Let's go get you. some week, you're hooked up for the week. I run downstairs, I get in the car, Ralphie.

We're talking about whatever. You know when you're talking to something? And I know, some of my phone rings. And I go, oh, shit, Ralphie. Don't say a word. I go, this chick must have borrowed $1,500, right? But she doesn't want me to fuck her or whatever. Ralphie, he's like, all right, I go, Robbie, don't say a word.

So I ask the phone. What's up, baby? She goes, nothing. I'm headed to the hotel right now. I go, listen. I go, I'm going to give you the money. But, but. I'm going to suck your tities

I'm going to suck your pussy I'm going to light your ass on fire and there was silence on the other end of the line for like 10 seconds Oh my God and I am hurting from trying not to laugh She goes can I call you back When she hangs up the phone

About 20 minutes she calls back She goes listen I love to hook up with you and all But I borrowed the money from my uncle in Seattle I don't want nobody lighting my ass on fire I had this until today she won't talk to me. me on Facebook. No way.

She had a boyfriend for a while. I tried to hit her up just to be her friend. Did she be her friend? Sure, why not? I was just going to hit her for $1,500 for a dick sucking. I guess you wouldn't want an asshole to let your asshole up. $1,500 to fucking be your friend, you know. You got to sniff my nut sack. Something. That's a lot of money, Jack. That's a lot of fucking Guitous and plays economy. It is.

Especially then, you had $35 in your pocket. You know, that was fucking funny. I really wish that we could You moved out in 1440 really got crazy once you moved out. Now, it's to it. Now Jody's still in the building.

She's the landlord. She runs the place. That's crazy. There was a chick next door to Jody that played in the orchestra. Do you remember her? Real pretty girl? No.

But she was very decent. She played in Augusta, but she only like anal sex. I mean, the building was fucking crazy. Like, that's who's lived in that building, those type of women. Like, she was beautiful. Yeah.

She fucking ate at the exquisite restaurants. She looked like the chick from the Titanic. Like that's what she ate in the Titanic. But somebody fucked and they're like, no, she won't let you fucking the pussy. It's deep in the asshole. Like every woman that moved in that building was fucking nuts. The crazy one was the one with the daughter. They had the big fake tits and the daughter was fat.

She was like Pavarotti. Yeah, right. She had fake eyebrows. I used to call it Pavarotti to her face. Why do you call me Pavarotti? because you look like fucking pop around. How about that girl, the one that lived next to me,

that had super loud sex, and you can always hear fucking... Remember there? No, what was the name? Not the black girl. Drake La Vodka? No, no, not a black girl. She's still there.

Really? She's still there. If you drive on sunset, you see her every day with her little bottle of vodka, she's still unemployed. Wow. 10 fucking years, that girl's not unemployed.

She drinks a bottle of vodka every day. She gained a little bit of weight. You had the retarded girl. upstairs that played for her black belt. She got beat up or the boyfriend threw out the window. Bro, I know a guy that jumped off that roof over there. Really? He did a somersault

off that roof. That's why I left the bum on fire. Where I lived on Schrader, the guy there knew me? He goes, you don't remember me? I jumped off the roof at 14.4th. And he broke his back. And he lived. Jesus Christ. I remember that fucking guy. I remember that fucking guy. There was some crazy

shit in that building. Dog, I'm telling you. Ricky Cruz said the building was haunted that he had spoken to somebody that the landlord had told him the building was haunted that a bunch of actors lived in the building and shit like that. It was a crazy building. It was a crazy building.

I had some fucked up shit in that building. I had some great time in that building. I seen one of the greatest things ever in that building. I went in there one night after a Hollywood party, some stupid party. I got invited to on sunset. I was at the store. But the problem was I had Mike Kessler

and Mike Kessler's daughter with me. And Mike Hessler's daughter is a lesbian. Yeah. So Gentry was bartending at the store. So we all went to the store after the party, and we were fucked up, we're doing blow. So Gentry goes, let's go back to my house at 1440. So I'm with this girl who has the apartment,

another girl, and her father's with that. Okay, this is a true story. And I get over there and we're doing blow, and also they're running low on the blow, and I said, I got my own blow. I ain't giving that, I'm getting out of it. I go to Ralphie's a little bit of it. department or whatever.

And before I left, this is the weirdest story ever. Gentry goes both ways. I never knew that. And right in front of me, Gentry was attacking the girl, not knowing that the father was there. And it ended up, Gentry ended up

fucking Mike Kessler's daughter, and Mike Hess sat asleep on the floor in the hallway. That was when I knew how crazy that building was. When I went upstairs, and went to sleep at Celine's couch. And when I woke up the next morning,

I ran downstairs to go to Gavin's, because you went to whatever door was open. Right. So sometimes Gavin would leave his door open. You can sleep on his couch. Selene always let the door open. Sometimes Ralphie left his door open. Yeah.

So I went upstairs and didn't finish my blow and passed out. When I woke up the next morning, came down, I see Mike Kessler in a bundle like this on his letter jacket in front of Gentry's apartment. I wake him up and go, what the fuck happened? He goes, I don't know. We were having a good time, and the girls told me to get out, and they locked me out. And the next day, I asked Gentry, what happened? She's like, oh, my God, I ate Kashina's pussy for like three hours. There was a girl that had a boyfriend one day, and this bitch was banging. She had fake tithies.

And we were all watching TV on the couch. I don't think you were there. And this girl walked in, and I said something to you. Look at you today. You're smoking. If I didn't know, you had asked to eat your pussy. She goes, if you want, I can wash it. My boyfriend just fucked me, but I could go for somebody eating my pussy. That's how crazy that fucking building was. Yeah. Yeah. And he's still around Jordan. It was Jordan Nicole.

Yeah. Little Nicole with the big tits to fake. This was a crazy time. We'd be outside in the back smoking weed. And there was a Russian daycare center right there. And we'd be laughing. And she's like, please don't like the babies. Please don't like the babies.

and Coco's like, you take it in the muffler, you tell the commie, you take it in the Murphy, you deadly bruntit. Oh my God, I can do. You take it in your ass off?

The torture. Oh, my gosh. This was a crazy, crazy time in my fucking life. This was like that whole area. El Campan-Padre. There was at all those hotels, and there was a bunch of hotels in that area

that I had frequented also. Yeah, they were flop houses. Now they're all. Oh, they're all. Oh, yeah. They're fucking. The desert in? Yeah.

That desert in there? Oh, my God. I had a girl tied up in there one night. Pulling her hair coming on her neck. Oh, my God. I had some fucking crazy. I remember parking one Saturday night, and the Hollywood police, the LAPD,

were having a pimping hooker's thing right there. And they tried to get to me, and I'm like, look, I'm a local and you're not. And I think I've seen that dude on cops. Okay? It was one of the guys from cops. And they start laughing. and I go, hey, good luck.

And we went upstairs and watched them pick up Johns the whole night. We were smoking weed on the fucking, on the fire escape, looking out, watching them fucking arrest people. Holy shit. Yeah, getting fucked up. That's a really interesting time, man.

We all had a dream, you know. We all go to the store every night. Ralphie was a laugh factory guy. We all started there. Yeah. You know, Celine was a producer there. She produced the Jamie Kennedy experiment. Right.

And she went on to do great things. now in Ohio getting a kidney that's our friend in the end of the kidney they're gonna put her on a year for a list they wanted to put her on a list

for a year for how to get a kidney this bitch said fuck you I'm going to Mexico I got a kidney the next fucking weekend she went to Mexico she got well she didn't have to get the kidney

but she was around Stacey Bocaludo was around yeah is my provisusis now unfucking believable I know that's crazy Teddy is a producer at the voice

oh shit Wow. He's been at the Voice since day one. He's stuck the voice. I just spoke to him last week. That's great. So it was one of those plays. Ricky Cruz's in Florida.

Yeah. Still doing comedy and still doing movies. So it's just amazing. The people that you see at these places years ago, and you starved with them because we starved. Yeah. It was just, there was no fucking waters. There was no.

No. It was just a complete different time, man. Something that, and I see Ralphie now, you look on iTunes, you got eight fucking CDs on there. You know, 19 specials and shit Emmy Awards. It's crazy. It's fucking crazy. And this was 20 years ago with nothing. When people would come over, Jay Moore, before Jay Moore Sports.

This was before Last Comic Stand Day. With the black guy who's developed more shows. That guy developed more shows than fucking. Still telling people he created Last Comic Standing. One night, I got a call like at 2 in the morning. This is Walter. Tell this motherfucker I created a last comic standing. Who's Walter?

Oh, shit, Walter the Cook. Yeah, right? Walter the Cook. Walter J. Moore's assistant. You never fucking know, bro. Who knew 17 years ago that we were going to have podcasts and be married? No, no way. Babies, dude.

Babies. We got babies, bro. When I was doing mushrooms, that night, I remember. the Maryland Martinez. Like she's gone now seven years and just all the fucking time. You know, when you see Ralph and you see I still got her number in my phone. Me too. I never erase it. 6.69, 1786.

What a great lady. How's that one? There's two people who are dead up my phone. I will never erase that numbers and she's one of them. I'm going to erase the fucking number for. Right? Holy shit. I've called it. I've called it sometimes open, you know? Yeah, me too. Some New Mexican guy answered the phone.

And then her husband died a year later. So this is, we've seen people come and go. It's been fucking interesting as fuck. It's been interesting as fuck who was on top when we got here. Oh my God, yeah. It was interesting as fuck when Vinnie Fabrito owned this town, you know. Then we saw Dane Cook become a fucking star at the union. That was who was that.

Right. You know, at the union on those nights, they all went to see Dane Cook. They didn't give a fuck what Joey had to say or what Lee had to say. They went to see Dane fucking cook, you know. So it's just interesting times. Look at you now. You're doing theaters and shit. Yeah.

You're on a bus like Zizi Top. Yeah, I got my own bus. It's awesome. On that thing, you love it. I got vape stations. I have three separate vapor stations. All set up, good to go. On the bus.

On the bus. And you can vaporize on the bus. Yes, sir. Good to go. And what do you got left for the year? Man, a ton of theaters. Just this month we're going to, I'm doing two theaters here in Southern California.

California, and then I'm going to Hawaii later on this month, and then I've got a couple of casinos on the Gulf Coast. And that's just this month. So, you know, things are going to happen, Jack. Where are your New Year's? Houston. Houston, first time and a long time. No shit. You're going back.

Yeah. Like the fucking L.L. Cool Jek. L.O.C., Jack, going back. And making, it's good. It's a good check. This is like, wow, I've been doing this for 25 years, and they really wanted to have me for the 25th year back in Houston. Okay.

And it would be my 25th New Year's that have worked. It's crazy. 25 New Year's. Yeah. God damn. What are you going to New Year's, cuck, huh? I don't know. We got a show.

I didn't know if we announced it. I got a little paranoid to him high. Yeah, we got a show. We got a fucking show. Lee, what the fuck you got to say? We're trying to go to dinner tonight, Lee. We're going to go to you for dinner tonight, Lee. I don't know. Is anything open?

I think... Subway, I had some coupons for you. You got a 6-inch, you get a 30-ounce soda. You got a free 6-inch for free. See, I'm always thinking, I just forgot to bring it with me. Yeah, the turkey, right now, because I'm fucking so high, the turkey foot long, it's only 570 if you don't put cheese on it. So I'm thinking about that.

What about with the avocado? I'll give you a dollar. You can get the cheese, man. No, no, I'm trying to be good with the calories. He's a fucking soldier. He's going down to 110 pounds. No. He's going to fight in a flyweight division.

I love it. Lise and fucking Molly. But, yeah, I think I'm going to have that. Let me go to shout out to some people who will wrap this motherfucker up just in case. I want to give a shout out to some special motherfuckers here. My main man, Oscar Nunez and shit,

always delivering the good Vincent Benoit, John Wolf G, Jose Gamma, ha-ha-dog, Rubin Garibet, Veronica V, Shea Tili, and my main man, Matt Balthazar. What are you fucking nuts or not? 20 to life, no fucking parole. You know what I'm saying?

What's the matter? What are you? What? You're all freaking out. Your head, your headphones are all confused. I get really hot with your things on. You're what? With the both on, I get too hot. Am I? Hot? Yeah. All right, well then relax. Take off your shirt. We don't get my fucking big of tithies.

You have a little hair on those you tits. Oh, yeah. So it's your anniversary this week, huh? Yeah, I'm excited. Where are you taking that? just in Newport Beach. When are you leaving? Tomorrow night.

When do you come back? Sunday morning. Look at your three nights on the beach. Nice. Good for you. What sexual things do you have planned? A lot. You have a lot of things in your head that you want to do.

You know, a little dirty bastard. Yeah, I mean, fuck yeah. I don't know about you guys, but I get super horny when I'm high, so yeah. That's just, I wish you were going to be there tonight. So are you taking any animals with you? No, no, she would never do that. It's not what she's going to do. I can't.

It's what the fucking Captain Kirk of the Enterprise is going to do. If you knew you could take an edible and last 15 minutes more and eat her ass and pussy more creative. Would you eat a pot cookie, cock sucker? She doesn't like it, though. She doesn't like what? She doesn't like me getting super high. Why not? I don't know.

You ever been super high around me? Just once after that last. Did you get them all here around? Fuck yeah. And did you do it like a savage? Did you make it do dirty things? No. I don't know if she's listening, but no, I'm not dirty stuff, it's just, it was crazy.

You were a horny little bastard, I always knew that that was your dilemma. You jerk off my socks, you see. No, socks? Yeah, she do. No, I know I jerk off, I'm just saying it. That's what happened to your head that you shaved and pulled in a sock. You did it for a fight. Oh, my goodness.

I like this kid. How old was he? He's 25. I love him. He's the fucking, he's the fucking good. He was the best. When he first he was here, he used to stutter. Look at him.

He was like, Loobs his. cousin. A couple weeks ago, he did it. The needle got stuck. It was tremendous. What did you give me this? Hi. I'm surprised at me even talking. I was it like, hey, I'm Chipsy Websy, but you can call me Norman? You don't have to call me. What is you say?

You can call me Chepsy Websy, but my name is Norman. Fuck, yeah, super flanley. We were talking about that episode. That's the greatest episode of all time. See if it's on there. You're trying to get Miss Crabapple. Miss Crabtree.

That's something heavy on my heart. Go ahead. Play it for these fucking people at home. This is real American comedy. This was Jackie Cooper and Chubby. Jackie Cooper's proposing to her, trying to throw this rap on it. And Chubby's hiding in the closet and every three or four minutes. Is it roses and chocolate? Is it Ole Miss Crabtree?

I've got something on my heart? That's the one. Yeah, that's the one. Who fucking do you think you're dealing with? It's only 30 seconds? Yeah. Oh, shit. Hold on.

You're fucking up. Get it together, Superjee. This isn't it. It's not there's a Sunday. No, this is it. I don't know what that was. I don't know. It's got to be out there.

Little Rascals, Omen's Crabtree. Oh, okay. Do you know what I'm saying? Do you see what I got to deal with, Lee? I see he comes up. Listen to this shit. This is a real fucking comedy, Lee.

I ain't fucking up. Omer's crab tree. I have something heavy on my heart. My chabzy, obzy. All right. Chabby, ubsy. This crab tree, there's something heavy on my heart. Oh, gypsy, upsy, there's going to be something heavy on their nose.

That's the funniest thing I've ever seen. For all your fucking nutrition, listen, like I told you that day, man, on it is not a supplement like a vitamin C. On it is optimal minimization. You become the best you can fucking beat. You understand me the best. Whether it's the digestive enzymes, whether it's the fucking strong bone, whether it's the shrewd-tech sport,

the alpha brain I am never overly I'm always blown the fuck away you understand me I'm a practitioner the shroom tech I don't take advantage of it but I see the difference

when I do the baby assmen when I do the shroom tech don't get me wrong I took the shroom tech last Thursday and jihits and I got beat up it's not going to give you superhuman powers if you're a mutt you'll stay a mutt but you'll just get beat up longer

because you'll be breathing longer you understand me so that's why I use the shroom tech Let me tell you something. On it, tremendous product. I stand behind it. They stand behind it. Alpha Brain, it don't work. You send it back. You get a money back guarantee one time. They don't even want the fucking product back. That's what I'm talking. That's the real deal. That's how much you'll get from Alpha Brain. Don't believe me. Give me a try. Give it a chance Columbus did. Go to Joey Diaz.com. Go to the Alphabrein. Go to the Anet Box and Press. Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% off your first order. Also looking to stay on it. They mail you to show. it directly every fucking month on the first you don't got to go back on the web page and bang your head off the fucking wall. I want to also give a tremendous sponsor a shout out here. It's naturebox.com.

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Joey, in the box, J-O-E-Y. You have 50, 50, 50, 50, motherfucking percent off your first daughter. You understand me? Who the fuck gives you 50% off your fucking first daughter? Every time you hang out over here, I give you a good deal. Whether it's Hulu Plus, I give you the two weeks. The commercial gives you $7.95 a month.

But they don't give you two weeks for fucking free. comes from Uncle Joey, you understand me? Number two, the fucking dollar shave club. One, $6, $9. That's a great deal. Nature Box, 50% off your first order. You order the fucking black and white granola, you order the fucking sesame seed sticks.

I guarantee, I stand by if you're a fat fuck. You understand me? Also, for you vapor people and for your vapor pen needs, I love these guys, their vapor pens. They back it. If there's a problem, you call up, my man, fucking Pito, answer the phone. take care of you. Naileditlife.com.

Go to Nailthitlif.com. Order a pen. Tell them you got the fucking info from me. Get 20% off your fucking order. You understand me? The pen's 50 bucks. You get it for what? 40. 40. Who's better than fucking me? You're always saving fucking Guitas.

That's all I do. I'm like a Cuban Jew. I'm saving these people fucking Guitas. I don't even know. And next time you're walking around Stoneley, look at the shape of you. Oh, yeah, that's bad. You fucked up tonight talking about the ladies? You get me like what? Half one? Women with fucking wheel chairs, swarming.

spitting, rubbing your dick on that small toes. I love it. You're a filthy fucking animal. That's why I love about you when you open up. You see what I'm saying? It's like a therapeutic fucking podcast for you, cuck, sucker. It is. Fuck.

That's awesome. What's next to my main man, Ralphie Mae. Tell me something. This week, I'm in St. Louis Obispo. And the Canyon Club here in town. And I've got news specials coming out on Netflix. And look for a book. in early 2015.

Look at you fucking writing books. You're like fucking Ike turning. Trying. Fucking writing books. Special, smiling. You got no hair to. The Irish is making a comeback. Oh, my God.

I know. It's this summer. It bleaches my hair. I know. I want to get it darkened up. And the wife's like, I like it. I'm not doing anything to it. You know, I know Lee.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to be a dick. At least I got hair. No, that's fine. You cucks up. I mean be an asshole. You're going to give mama stab me. Did you get a robe?

No, no, I still don't have a robe. You're going to get a robe of a Jewish diamond star? How are you not going to get a rope? My dad had a robe, it fixed me out. It's like, it's always dirty. I don't know. You're going to get a white one with a fucking Jewish star right here over your heart. Yeah, right?

And then put Lee, Big Dick Lee. That's what you put on there. Big Dick Lee, the Jew from Bugaloo. And get you a Yamika. That's right. That's right. A nice sharp one with sharp edges in case you got to. to cut a motherfucker like the Japanese guy.

Go finger. I love you, coxuckers. Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Where are you going to be? For listening to the podcast. I'm going to be in San Jose at the Improv this weekend. Come on out and say hello next week at the South Point Casino. Next to my, thanks to my main man, Ralphie May 8 o'clock show.

And the week after that, I'm in Pioneer Club and Reno, motherfucker, Nevada. Felipe's up there this weekend. Go by there and say hello to that. No spoons. No spoons. I love you, Cucksuckuckuckers. See you Monday morning.

nice and early 6 a.m. Stay black. Ralphie Mae, one more time. Give him some love. Lee Syatt, one more time. Give me some love. I love you guys. Stay black and beautiful. Now that the show is over, remember, go to naturebox.com and order great tasting, healthy snacks at 50% off. Snacks

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brain, new mood, anything you need from them. 10% off when you use a code word church and go to NaileditLife.com to get the premier vapor pen on the market. I mentioned Joey Diaz and get 20% off. Enthusiasticly, Gucks. Dude, you have no... I ran out of brain. You have no idea.

Never got no fucking idea. Oh, wow, oh, wow.