The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #194 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: September 7, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Wednesday, September 7th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & The Freeze Pipe… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.   THE FREEZE PIPE Support the show and get 10% off with the code JOEY at https://TheFreezepipe.com Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #TheFreezePipe The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday the 7th of September. The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, the first Sunday of the NFL season is here. Draft King's Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL.

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Pressing code Joey and saved 10 motherfucking percent. Freeze pipe. like a snowball and the bung. All right, let's get this party started. It's Wednesday. We got a lot to talk about cock lickers. Yo, Cheech La Porta. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers?

It's Wednesday, the 7th of motherfuckin' September. It's a great week. It's been a great week so far. Kids are back in fucking school. Which, listen, I'm happy. Like, if I'd be depressed. If she was depressed about school, like I'd be fucked. But she told me, like, August.

eight that I'm ready for fucking school. She was up at fucking 5.30 doing jumping jacks running around the house. She set her alarm for six fucking 15. She was excited as fuck. Yeah. I went out there and watched to get on the bus. Fucking 10 kids out there jumping, yelling, screaming. Just a great fucking time of the year.

You know, just to see him go back. The leaves are turning. Sports is coming. live we're going into the final stretch of baseball we're going into the you know when you're an old man you watch baseball i don't watch it a lot but i watch two or three innings and go what the fuck am i doing with my life i got to watch a documentary on fucking the most hated man on the internet or some shit you know they always got a dick documentary on fucking netflix i did watch a good one the other night because i didn't really know the story when i had them on the podcast and uh it was really

interesting. It's something I don't believe in, but I was, you know, I was interested on how he did it. It's like a lot of people aren't into murderers, right? Like, you know, but if you read like a biography, like Richard Ramirez or the guy that used to fucking kidnap girls in

Volkswagen, you don't read those books to fucking become a serial murder. I would read those books to see how they did it. How the fuck did you do this with women? You know? It's fucking crazy. And then I lived in Seattle. which was, you know, his fucking one stomping grounds.

But when I lived in Snowmass Village, that was his real stomping grounds. What's this that guy's name? That fucking kidnapped women with the Volkswagen. The guy did a movie about him. It doesn't really matter. But I wasn't fucking reading those books because I wanted to case out FSU students and beat him up. And I just read that book to see how the fuck they did it. You ever think about shit like, you're like,

man, they caught this guy doing this murder. I mean, just watching the news or something. And you're like, they caught this guy doing this murder, and he's an intelligent guy. But for fucking 100 years, chubby Italian guy has been throwing people into holes, fucking rivers, and you can't figure it out. Nobody can fucking figure it out.

So it's like, you know, the easiest way to fucking ice somebody is just, like if you watch, what's the movie I was watching about a month ago, my daughter, The Irishman. The Irishman, there's a scene towards the end when De Niro walks up with the gun and just goes to the guy, hey, Jili or whatever,

and the guy turns around, he just shoots him, and then they shoot him when he goes to the floor. In the middle of the street in fucking darkness with two bars in the corner. Didn't anybody hear anything? But that's how quick it happens. But that's not what we're fucking talking about here. I don't want to find out how people murder people. I'm just saying when you read a book on somebody,

you get an idea of what the fuck their steps were. Like when I read Richard Kaczynski's book, you know, that guy was a fucking savage. We had the cop that arrested him on the podcast, Dominic. You know, he made me read a book that he was a part of. And when you read these books, you're like, where the fuck were the witnesses? You know, you see a fucking guy chokes out George Floyd, and there's a thousand people with fucking cameras. I'm just using a fucking example, guys. I'm not being in a jerk off.

But, you know, then you hear about Sammy the Bull killed 20 fucking guys. 20. That means he killed 40 because he copped to 20. How did he kill 40 fucking people? You know, is it interesting? No, but you're like, how do you do they did it without getting caught all those years? So it's kind of interesting. But what I'm trying to, I had that ref on years ago when the podcast first started, maybe the second year in,

I had Tim Donahe here. Tim Donaheyer was a ref that fucking, you know, if you watch it on Netflix, it's really interesting. How he did it when you point shave you blow calls against the other team you know shit like that he didn't do that He just knew the game so much he had so much inside information about the game like he would he would tell you if you watch a documentary He'll tell you that he would just another ref would say to him I have a problem with Mo Cheeks in Philadelphia. He's not a good coach or whatever and he would take that information and win games he went like I don't know 30 out of 37 fucking Oh, 27 out of 37 games.

That's 17 net winners. That means if you were to put 100,000 on those fucking games, if you had inside information, you're making a lot of fucking money right now. So it's pretty interesting how he does it. You know, there's a show on TV about dirty jobs. Fucking one of the best shows ever. One of the best most fucking, like you just sit there going,

holy fuck. I don't want to be a fucking bee, whatever, like a guy that takes honey from a bee and puts all those things on and shit, but it's pretty fucking interesting to see how the fuck they do it, you know? So when I watch this thing on Tim Donahady on night, whatever his fucking name was it,

the scary thing was I saw two of my friends in this fucking documentary, the Philly Godfather, who we had on the podcast, who was a great fucking handicapper. And there was another guy who I knew. Danny B., my buddy that I grew up with, was how I got a hold of Tim Donna.

You know, they were all sports betting guys. And that was the information. So it was pretty fucking interesting how he fixed the games, how they nailed him. They fucking nailed. You know, guys, it goes back to my kidnapping. What a tangled web we weave when you, whatever, to deceive, you know. He was doing great with it. And all of a sudden there were wiretaps on Gambino.

soldiers and different mobsters, and they were talking about this fucking ref. So they went to the NBA. That's a weird fucking thing. Like, he didn't get caught directly. He got caught on somebody else's wiretap, and, you know, that's how they nailed them, which is, you know how, you know how, what it takes for that to happen? You know what the chances of that happening, that they catch you on a wiretap of people talking about you?

You know what the fucking chances are, slim and fucking none? And so it's like, what a fucking tangle web, you know, and just to see his story at the end, like what his life is now, his wife left him. You know, he had, he lost a bunch of money, but how he bounced back. He got into real estate. You know, he lives in shame.

He fucked up. But he got his life together. And it's so weird that when you hear about these people that crash and burn, like let's talk about like the guy from Seinfeld that went off at the laugh back. Kramer. Like, he went off at the Laugh Factory. Nobody's ever seen or heard from Kramer. What community could he have gone to, like, whenever,

and I'm not making fun of Kramer. I'm just talking to you guys about adjusting to a mistake. What the fuck do you do? Like, what the fuck do you do? And he, name would you go to as African Americans? They go, hey, he's not remembered as the Seinfeld guy no more. He's remembered as the fucking guy that went off at the laugh factory about African-American. And it's so fucking sad.

I was telling somebody a story the other day. When you watch Goodfellow, we watched Goodfellows in North Carolina. It was on Netflix and a bunch of the guys, we had a screening room. So one night the guys were watching Goodfellas. I came down. I'm like, fuck it. I was high. I'll watch it for a little while.

And they showed the part where Henry Hill and Joe Pesci steal a truck. This is a true story, guys. You're going to love this thing. They steal a truck, and a guy runs in and goes, two brothers just stole my truck. You know, it's a great movie, Goodfellas. And when you get the call to do a movie like Goodfellas, you go into it, you know,

I'm just happy to be in a Martin Scorsese movie, but then when you get there, and they're like, listen, these are your lines, you know, you've got to really think twice about those lines. I've had one situation where I had really weird lines in a movie, and I told them. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying this word that you want me to do.

It was like a racial slur. I don't want, and I've said the word a thousand times before. That didn't matter. I'm not racist, but it was, that it was going to be on film. It was going to be on film forever.

And I was going to be seen, and people were going to go, oh, that's the dude that fucking said that crazy shit in that movie. Trust me, when you go, like, I went to see the movie with fucking Clint Eastwood,

with all the Asians, when he was saying all those Asian fucking, uh, whatever racist, shit in that movie to those little fucking Amun people. And I was sitting there with everyone San Juan. It was Filipino. You know, I was kind of embarrassed.

He started busting out laughing because he's like me. I think Hispanic slur is hysterical. Whenever you goof on a Spanish guy, if it's creative, I'll fucking laugh, okay? That's the type of guy. I'm not going to sit there and say, that offended me. The fucking best joke I ever heard was somebody who offended me saying, Merry Christmas, you're probably in some tenement in the Bronx with 22 Spanish people eating a chicken.

I fucking loved that shit. I loved when he called me and left me that message. But for some people, they don't have that kind of, you know, they got offended or whatever. He wasn't offended. I wasn't, you know, I felt bad. I didn't want to laugh at the movie. But when you're in the movie and you're saying all that, listen, it was Clint Eastwood. So he gets a pass.

You know what I'm saying? Nobody's going to let's go up to Clint Eastwood 20 years from now. He'll be dead. Or go up to him in a hardware store and go, I didn't like the movie when you did Asian. Fuck. And he's going to go, fuck you. you know, Clint East was a guy from the past.

So it's funny how when you, when they, I saw that Goodfellist thing that day, I'm like, and the guys were laughing when he says it, you know, two black dudes just stole my truck or a black dude just drove my truck.

The story that is, just like him, I forget what his name is, good dude. The dude who says that line, believe it or not, is a very good dude. He's an old school stand-up comic.

I can't think of his fucking name right now. He's a Polish dude. So he read the book like I did Goodfellas, right? And he was excited about it. I was not an actor or a comic when Goodfellas came out. But trust me, when I saw the movie, it broke my fucking heart because I wanted to be in the fucking movie, right? So this guy reads the book like me, sends a letter to Scorsese, saying he loves it. Sorry, I got a little allergies.

And he says, I want to be part of the movie. Scorset, you know, whenever you write a casting director or a movie, explain to them why they need to see you. Like, I've written like seven different letters to cast and directors. Like, why they need to see me for this role. And I think I got like three of them. But it's a complete different story. He wrote a casting, he wrote a letter to Scorsese.

Scorsese called them in. This motherfucker came in. got up, when in his jacket pulled out a gun and put it on the desk and said, I'm here to do whatever the fuck

you want. And Scorsese, you look at them and said, security, and they fucking escorted them out of the building, right? True fucking stories.

Now they're sitting around, you know, maybe a month later, and Scorsesians like, nah, no, we got to use somebody

to say that line. You know, who's crazy enough to want to come in here and say that fucking line? They're sitting around and go, what about the,

guy that came in with the gun. And they're like, perfect, call him up. And they're like, this is the line you're going to do. A black dude just stole my truck. And the rest is history. He got the line. He busted it out. But now he was telling me once, like 15 years ago, I saw him at the improv.

And I go, hey, man, do people ever give you shit about that line? Because I've always thought about that line. And it's like, he goes, ah, some people look at me. He goes, the worst is when that. African-American person comes up to him and says, I know you. And he goes, how do you know me? I'm a stand-up comedy. He goes, no, no, I saw you in a movie.

And he's trying to beat, like he'll say, no, you didn't see me in a movie because he don't want to say it. And the guy will say, I saw you in Goodfellas. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you were there. And he goes, the black people just stopped when they talked to him. Yeah, yeah, we like that movie. And the conversation just sends fucking hysterical. I remember one time, I got that grandma's boy.

Is that the name is a Nick Swanson movie? I got a call on the Friday. I got a call on the Friday. I was at this agency for a while. They did not like me. A friend of mine referred me, a good time actor referred me to this agency. He goes,

you need Joey. They were putting together like a Spanish division. So the lady was stronger than debt. She was stronger than debt as an agent. She had Danny Trejo. She had Emilio Rivera from Sons of Anarchy. Trejo. She had the other guy from Sons of Anarchy.

She was doing great this lady. she signed me. I'm like all excited. But I think we had a conversation one day, and she didn't really like something I said. So she called me one of the Friday. And she's like, hey, man, what are you doing tomorrow? Like, I'm not doing shit.

It's Saturday. She goes, well, Adam Sandler just called. He's got a movie for you. She goes, if you don't want to do it, you don't have to do it. It's just two lines. And I can't repeat the lines to you on the phone. They're so bad. And I was like, and there was something,

I think Don Johnson was talking. I go, her pussy looks like something that got hit with a shovel or something like that. It was just a really off line. You know, I said that line. I remember going, now I feel like that fucking dude and Goodfellas for saying that line about the chick's pussy. But I was like, you know what? I say it all the time. Then the movie bombed.

And nobody saw it. They got like the worst review on Rotten Apples. So I was like, who, nobody's going to get to fucking see me, you know, say this disgusting fucking line. I'll never forget. Even Don Johnson said something to me. me while we were shooting. He goes, that's not a good fucking line. I go, what am I going to do?

They're paying me for the day. I got to do what I got to do. Like, again. Thanks to the Greg Garcia show. Hey, guys, don't forget to watch Sprung. I did watch that. People like it. Yeah, it's pretty cool.

People fucking like it. I got to get it. What is the network is it on? Amazon or Hulu. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. People fucking like it. People coming up and I saw you in Sprung, taking this shit.

Greg Garcia. is a bad motherfucker man Greg Garcia is an original when it comes to this shit he knows that I put together a show sometimes you're there with him you're like what the fuck is Greg doing and he's shooting all this shit and he's like you can go home now you're like really that's it

and next day you see it you're like what the fuck Greg he's just a goddamn fucking genius this guy but anyway I want to talk to you about something that you know I always save all my shit guys like I save the shit I don't have is whatever they took from me when they told my apartment and I had a bunch of paperwork and stuff

whatever I had in that but for the most part I save a lot of shit guys I remember one time somebody told I was lying I said that I got in fact I'm gonna get another one pretty soon because I've been talking to somebody that their phones are tapped I know they're tapped because they're on their indictment dear friends of mine but what am I going to do they called me to ask questions so but I was talking to a friend of mine I got arrested for bookmaking years ago like 10 years ago. He called me for a party, like for me to do a benefit,

Hoboken or some shit. And I did it. And then like two months later, he got arrested. And like six months later, I got a couple letters. And the letters were from Bergen County prosecutor's office. I was living in Studio City.

Why am I going to a letter from, you know, the prosecutor's office in Bergen County? Because they had to let me know I was on wire tape. I was on tape. Every time I spoke to this guy, I was always on tape. So I think after the trial was over, after he pleaded, they have to release everything.

And they sent me a couple letters. And I remember I said something once on the Rogan podcast, and I was headed to do the Rogan podcast, and somebody said, bring the letter. You're lying about that. And I broke the letter, and I showed it on the podcast. And I'm like, I'm sorry, I called you a lie. I go, bro, I save everything.

I try to fucking save anything negative so I could put it in the book, you know, all that type of shit. I put in the book. There was something I sent to the book. where was a sheet of paper that my, uh, my ex-girlfriend when we broke up, she had tons of shit of mine from like,

I don't know, two, three years in Seattle. And, uh, I don't know, before she left her life, she goes,

I found a bunch of shit for you and I'm going to give it to you. And she gave me all these boxes. I had two boxes and all these boxes. It was two fucking boxes. And it was just like comedy paperwork, rules for the Seattle comedy competition, uh,

pictures of us dancing at a comedy thing it's just stupid shit but i found the letter in there that i had received i had uh you know when you call those debt people you have to call to consolidate like you have to call them and then they take a fee out and they call all the credit card companies and they tell anybody you owe money to they cut a deal with and you could uh pay back but in the long run it fucks up your credit even worse supposedly i didn't know this i mean Filing for bankruptcy is one thing, but this is sort of it. I'm not sure at the time it was this. So I remember I went through like one consultation with them, maybe a couple consultations.

And then right before I was going to sign with them, they sent me an itemized fucking list of what I owed every credit card, Discover, Diners Club, American Express, Visa, Mastercard. It was, guys, I must have. I had eight cards that I owed money on. Plus, a fucking loan for a car. You know, I forgot to tell you guys, I got an accurate when I got divorced and I couldn't make the fucking payments on it. You know, we're all assholes, guys.

I've never come out here and told you I'd have a perfect life. But I found this thing the other day because I was scanning stuff. I should have brought it here. I was scanning stuff for the book. They wanted a bunch of paperwork. Like little notes. I said, I have all these notes.

Maybe it'll add to the book because I don't have all these pictures. When I got this letter, I was $225,000 in debt. I got divorced. I got separated in 91. The divorce went through in 93. I owed $210,000, and that was without two attorneys, plus personal loans I had taken out from dear friends of mine that had to get paid back. So, you know, I threw numbers up for years.

When I found this the other day, I showed my wife, I go, take a look at this. My wife, who's an account, was like, Joey, you were dead. I go, I know I was dead. And when I got this consolidation letter, I spoke to somebody in Seattle. And they were like, don't do it. Don't do it. So I never signed. I never sent it back.

And I still had it. When she gave me the paperwork, I found it. So I was down. And I know I gave figures before on the church. I was down 210 in credit cards and a loan. I was down maybe at the time in 98. No reason to lie or be ashamed. I was down about 8,000 child support,

which clocks me at like 218. I owed an attorney 40. I owed another attorney about 15. And I owed $220,000, $220,000 markers to $2.2.000. your friends of mine that I had to get the money back. They gave me this money out of like a CD or something. They busted for me that, so I wouldn't go to jail to cover attorney.

40. Each. 20 each. So that's what? $300 down. I was down three. Guys, I was down. You paid it all back?

Three hundred in 1990. Say, guys, let's you give it a fair number. I was down 300,000. I've been stressed in 20. Never end the school loan that I had that did not get fucking waived. They found me and fucking made me pay it, which I had no qualms about.

I owned the money. I paid it. I was down $300,000 when I moved to Los Angeles. And I got to be honest to you guys. Listen to the year 98. What I'm about to tell you, do not try this at a lot. home. I beg you, do not try this at home. When you, I was talking to a jih Tijuana, you know, Rob Schaefer, by the way, an update on Rob Schaefer. Rob Schaefer got disqualified his first fight,

his first role. He was very upset. I consoled him. I'm going to give him a call today. He's back from Vegas. He got disqualified because he grabbed the guy's leg to pull it over and the guy turned a certain way so they considered a knee bar and they disqualified him and what made it worse was the guy he was beaten up went on to win the whole thing so that's

the review on Rob Schaefer but since we were talking about Rob Rob trains at Intrepid in Marlborough and I was talking to the owner there one day Steve and we were talking about my cousin Julio up north and at Anaconda and my cousin

is a great fucking jiu jiu-gizu guy and I mean he knows jujitsu like a motherfucker and he's had schools for 25 years Julio Rodriguez should be and this wasn't you know I knew this but this is what my friend told me

Rob Schaefer's blackbell friend told me I didn't know this he goes Julio would have had the best fucking program in New Jersey if he taught in the daytime if he wouldn't have had his day job my cousin has a phenomenal day job phenomenal

great money great benefits fucking insurance out the ass he can do whatever the fuck he wants so all those years he was like what am I going to do teach Jiu Jitsu in the daytime at night what am I going to do so he taught Jiu-Jitsu at night

but in the daytime he stuck with his job my friend Steve said the guy is phenomenal I don't think his school is bigger because he never quit his day job I didn't know that that was in Jiu-Jitsu and in martial arts also that you got to quit your fucking day job. You know, so I didn't know that.

When you're a comedian, when you're in a band, I'm sure I'm not the first guy that did it. I'm sure I'm not the first loser that did this. That's why I'm telling you, don't try this at home, kids, because it doesn't work for everybody. I don't want you guys coming back on me going, Joe,

I did it because, no, I did it because I was a loser. In 1991, I had nothing going on. Nothing. My wife left me. I wanted to be a comic. I had no job. I had a fucking two-year-old daughter. And maybe, maybe if I was lucky, 600 in a bank account.

I had credit cards I never touched. I had a good salary. Anyway, I got into fucking comedy. My world fell apart after that. I had been going to college, I don't know, three years at the time. Every time you take a school loan out or you get a Pell Grant, they throw you another fucking card. or at least they did 30 years ago, 25 years ago.

So every time they threw me a Pell Grant, I knew a $1,000 visa was coming. And then you got, let's take one step at a time. I knew a $1,000 limit card was coming. Or a $500 amic or a $500 limit visa or $500 limit MasterCard or Diners Club, whatever the fuck. I always knew I was getting another application for a card.

So all those years, I have to be honest here. When I was younger, honest to God, man, I did not, all those years that I was married and buying cars and, you know, flipping cars, I did not touch a credit card. I did not touch a credit card. One time, I took out a loan, a quick $2,600 loan to help me pay for a car. And then I flipped it and I paid off the loan. That was the loan. That was the straw that broke the camel's back.

My wife said for me, not telling her, that there was a violation. of our marriage and that's why, but it was other things. I took that loan out. I paid it right back. There was no fucking issues, you know. But once my wife left me

and I got the comedy bug, once I decided in 93 that I was going to fucking go for it, I took all those credit cards, guys, and I maxed them out on purpose. I'm an artist. You know, I'm an artist.

You know, I was not going to get a fucking day job. You know, I didn't not want to get a day job. And I was an artist. At that time, I didn't consider myself an artist. I still don't. I'm just bullshit, you motherfuckers. But that's what I did, guys. You know, I stopped fucking not paying rent. I stopped living like an asshole. And I just used my cards. And the excuse was that I would make it and pay it all back. That's, that's, that's, and guys, I'm not talking about 60 grand. I'm not talking about borrowing 20 grand from grandma i'm talking about 300 fucking large okay it got to the point guys where i couldn't go anywhere guys i couldn't go anywhere i could not have a phone they would get my phone

and call me there was no real uh whatever in 95 i didn't i didn't have a fucking uh call i didn't have a cell phone to 2004 my point is that anytime i would have a house like that's why i didn't have a house phone in boulder in 93 Because by 90, by the time I went to fucking New Jersey, they were calling me at different comedy clubs. Guys, you know what it's like to get to a restaurant to do comedy and your phone rings and the guy's like, hey, you have a phone. And you're like, oh, hi, this is Matt from Discover Card.

You're like, what the fuck? Yeah, I never got your check. Oh, Matt, I'm sorry. I've been busy. I'm about to do comedy. Can I call you tomorrow? I mean, that's how bad I got. They were calling me at my friend's houses.

they were calling me at my friend's house like if I put somebody down for a reference my friends would call me and go dog I just got three calls from fucking MasterCard it was horrible so there was nothing I could do the cards were stuck I did everything I could

I kept borrowing from Peter to pay Paul like I was just I would use the MasterCard first get rid of that motherfucker the visa burn that bridge the fucking dinners club I went out to dinner everything

every fucking Every meal I could eat I don't even know if Diners Club is still around I owe Dinus Club about $7,000 fucking dollars Because then I became when I was doing all that I became the master of limits I can fuck with you

I'll get your limit up If you got a $5 a dollar credit card Email me I know how to get your limit up Very easy go to a casino That's what I used to do To get my limit up I would drive to Colorado

Just opened up all those casinos In 94-95 I would drive to the casinos gamble and then tell the guy I didn't know what I was doing I would go lose like three hands of cards I don't play fucking cards I don't play blackjack

people get mad at me you shouldn't take that card you don't hit on 18 you know I would always do stupid shit but I had no fucking idea but I would go up to those clubs and I would lose three hands and then ask the pit bull

dog the pit boss I'd ask him listen I got 300 on this visa card I want to gamble and they go let's call visa and they would call visa together, and I would bump my limit. And then I would bump my... I had a different person dying in my family once a month.

They love to pay for fucking funeral trips home. Oh, they'll love it. This is all inside information I'm giving you. Uncle Joey's inside information I had to fuck visa in the ass. All of them. I would call them up from a casino and have the pit bull that this does not work anymore. American Express cards, I was getting cash advances on them. Go ahead.

Try to get a cash advance on American Express. How wait, you can't. I figured out a way how to do it with casino money. At the casino, they want you to fucking gamble. And the bees of people want you to fucking gamble. How crazy is that? Try it. Next time you have like a $15 on a limit,

I know you're not a degenerate gamble, but just try it to see if I'm fucking lying to you. Go to a casino, step foot in the casino, call them from the fucking casino. Let them hear the bells. Bing, Bing, Bing, a couple old ladies winning and shit. Watch what they say to you on the phone. I'm here at a casino.

I'm here at my family. I want to go to a big dinner. Talk about anything but gambling, but mention casino ten times. And watch how quick they'll go, hold on, let me check your file. Okay, what a surprise. We'll bump you up $500 limit.

When you do that to three cards, that's $15,000 I'm rocking with. So I was doing that, the guys, come on. You're talking to the wrong fucking guy. But anyway, how did I get rid of that debt? You guys got to remember. When you say to me, How did you get rid of that debt?

In 1996, I made $8,600 one year. That was my whole year. 95, don't even worry about it. That had to be in the same neighborhood. 97, I made $9,200. Okay? That was the extent of it, guys. So how do you look at your monthly,

like there was not $8,000 a month. There was no $4,000. a month. I'm talking about 800. That's below poverty. That's welfare type shit. I never went for welfare. I didn't need that. I kept fucking doing what I was doing. What I did

was this. This was the perfect way to fucking do it. I disappeared. I didn't answer the phone. I disconnected all phones. I pulled all wires out. I got rid of all credit cards so they couldn't monitor me. When you have no credit cards, they can't monitor you. You know,

all I got to do is where's Mike at? If I'm slick. I call a a credit card company go where's the last where's the last place I use my card? And they'll tell you. You know, they'll ask you a bunch of I can't call them to say I'm Michael Klein. I want to know where I lost my card. They'll ask me for my

sole shoe and all that shit. But they can't monetary. So I was off the grid. I was off the grid. They never, little by little, I was getting letters like how they would when I was living in Colorado, I had a PO box and I would get letters on how they did the, they just watched the debt.

They just, I would get one like letter every six months. Discover got rid of the debt. This one, this one, this one. But guys, it took, you got to remember, I did all this in 1995. By 95, I had no credit cards. The debt was official.

But the time I got in that car, July 1st of 1995, that's what I was down. $310,000. $10,000. When you're down $310,000, the only way of paying is by getting $10,000, $40,000 payments.

You're not going to knock it down with $50 a month. I knew that. I would be dead. So when they knocked all that stuff down, I got eliminated $210,000. I never paid a dime that $210,000. Knock on wood. I'm not proud of that.

But that's the way the ball bounces sometimes, especially when you're young and you're stupid. You know, I don't know. they do with you today if they don't make you pay it. I was always prepared to make some sort of payment when things started rolling. So I was down 100,000. I owed two attorneys, $55,000, and I owed my friends $40,000, which was 20, which puts me at $95,000. Forget about child support. Child support had to be up to $15,000 at that time. So I didn't pay any of those. those things off. The first time I made any substantial money was when I booked that Taco Bell

commercial. And I called my friends the two I owe the 22. And I said every week, I'm going to send you 500, 500, 500, 500, 500. And we're going to start working on this, you know, because I didn't make a payment for about two years. I kept in touch with them. I called them and told them the truth. And they were like, as long as you talk to us. If I'd say August 1st and I didn't have the money for them August 1st, I'd call them. call them and go, dog, I just don't have it. And they told me themselves, they go, we don't want you to send us hundreds. Like, don't send us hundreds.

Because you're never going to make a dent in it. Just send chunks. So when I got that fucking Taco Bell commercial, I started paying off my personal debts. I paid off. The Taco Bell commercial let me pay both friends, $40,000. I paid that off. And I think I knocked the attorney down the one attorney to like five and the one attorney to like 45. So at least they were in the game.

You know, when I paid my buddies off, they fucking cried. They were like, we told we were never going to get this money. And we're still friends today over that. We're still dear friend today. One of them was from Mississippi. I was going to see him last week, but he was in L.A. And the other guy still lives in Colorado. They were just, they did me right.

Until this day, you know, I try to call him and contact them and say hello, thank you for that $40,000 because I would have never fucking made it. I got the one attorney down to $5,000, the Cokehead, and then he disappeared. I kept calling him. He changed his number. We did speak, and he goes, thank you for sending me the money. I'm going to go to Hawaii or something. I never heard back from him.

I got the money from him if he ever wanted. It was like $5,000. I think I had him down to $4,500, because I was sending all those people, $500 payments. The other attorney took a fucking while. But since I had no other debt with the other people, I told the attorney I would start making monthly payments. So at first I was hitting him with $150 a week. He wasn't happy, but I was consistent.

$150 a week is $600 a month. When you owe $15,000, $40,000, it's going to take a while. And then something happened in 2004. I got the longest yard. Because I knew, listen, yeah, you could pay off bills if you don't use that card, you keep sending them $50 and you'll get it down, okay? At the time, I was always struggling.

So I was paying child support at that time, trying to get back on that. And then my child support, I got a letter one day saying that it was $60,000. And that's where me and my wife flipped because my wife and I at the time were missing meals so I could pay child support. So my wife went over to the check cash in place

where I used to cash my checks. because I don't have a bank account, but I would also get my fucking money orders there to pay child support. So she had them type up the report and sent it to him. Then my child support got knocked down $40,000 or $20. Guys, you have no fucking idea what I went through with this debt. Then the Barry Seiko, that was the last attorney I paid. I started paying him back in 2004,

and by the end of the longest yard, he was paid all. So by 2005, I was completely paid off to all the people I owed money to take me seven fucking years. So it was $100,000 plus plus, $150 altogether, maybe $140, after all sudden done. And then I had to get my life started. Couch, chair, bed, TV, blender, you know. Little things that people have when they're 20. Yeah, I didn't have until I was fucking, don't get me start on a mustard. That's my weak fucking point.

mad at my ex-wife for taking the mustard when she left me. Who takes the fucking mustard guys? But debt is a motherfucker guys. I don't fucking, that's why now I get rid of everything. Like, I don't, that's how me and Ari became friends. I borrowed $200 from Ari. I told him I would have it two days later,

and I paid him two days later. And he was like, I'm never going to see this $200 again. When I paid him, I go, dog, I don't fuck my friends out of money. I don't, because I've been fucked out of money. If you're a scumbag drug dealer, he goes suck my dick. I ain't going to pay you shit. shit. But if you're the fucking real deal only feel, you get it. That is something that's in

your mind. At first, it had me fucking down. Because if you know anything about me, I'm paying that motherfucker. I was ready to pay that 300,000 credit card debt. Like, I was like, I'll just have to chop it up to the rest of my life. I don't like going money. That's, uh, and I trust me, I beat a lot of people for drug money. But when you get me money out of your pocket, I understand. And I paid

everything off now in like 2000 after I paid the longer shot off I did get a nickel credit card

somebody sent me some poor bastard sent me a master card but my limit my fucking interest rate was 18% so if I spent

300 at the end of the month I'd be over-extended on my fucking 18% interest it was a fucking nightmare

when we cancelled that card we were so fucking happy but here's the funny thing I paid everything like a fucking

man I fucking did it and I wasn't happy about it while I was writing those checks I always got dizzy you know I always knew I could use more money for cocaine you know what I'm saying? There's nothing like when you get a bunch of checks and you're like okay I got this money hanging out I'm paying everybody but I'm only saving a hundred for coke that doesn't sound right I need like 250 for an April but you know what guys I fucking did it man and that is something that's in your mind don't let it get you down. Somebody gave me this advice when I went to them and I, when I borrowed the $20,000, one of my friends,

he goes, because I went there in for like 60. And he was like, I'll give you 20 and I'll tell you why. There ain't no debt as prison. There ain't a debt as prison, guys. You know, I'm sitting here telling you this story because you're young. A lot of years are young. You're going to fall into this credit card hole.

Believe me, it's a trap. It's always there. What's that? Just pay your taxes. Just pay your taxes, too. That's a complete difference. With taxes, I don't fuck around with them. And I owe taxes too. Yeah, me too. Because I didn't pay taxes from 1991 to 2002.

Is that the $600 and some dollars a month that you said? No, I didn't pay taxes from guys, after you're in debt and nobody likes you, what are you going to pay taxes for? Nobody liked me. What am I going to pay taxes for? I didn't pay shit. And then my wife, today, talked me into going to the, the IRS like a man and I was scared shit and they charged me 150 a month for three years. They're not looking to throw you in jail either guys.

They're looking to cut a deal with you. They're looking for you to have a life. When I went to the IRS, I knew it was going to be uptight fucking people with pencil holders and shit. Not at all. I had a lady who was sweeter than pie. They go back seven years. They break it up and you make payments.

And when you're finished, you're done. That's it. Guys, just, and it was $150. That's not that bad. And I didn't get thrown in jail, you know, which was the fucking scary thing is getting fucking thrown in jail. So, you know, when you're getting debt, bro, I lost sleepover. I still remember the first time I couldn't make a credit card payment, how bad I felt.

Like, I cried in the car. Like, I was like, I'm a fucking failure. But then at this point, listen, bro, I went to jail. I fucked and quit high school. I had nothing going on. My wife dumped me. Who am I going to do? Who gives a fuck?

Spend, be merry, eat. I just said that this is what I'm going to do. And either, guys, I had a very fucking ugly plan. My plan was to go to L.A. And the first time I had a problem. Somebody accused me of something, fucking hitting them, or stealing or something. I was going to go back, kill my ex-wife,

and then drive to New Jersey, and have the feds hunt me down in Northburg. And good luck. And I was going to sell Coke or do whatever stupidity. was going to do till I died, got shot, I got thrown in jail. That was my outlook at 30 years old when I got into fucking comedy. And when I got to L.A., I'm like, I can't believe I'm in L.A., but if something fails,

fuck it. I'll stop in Colorado, stab a few people, go to Jersey and sell coke until the cops kill me. I killed myself or, you know, whatever. The plan didn't work out that way. Thank God. Thank God. I ended up. And all this happened because I met this woman.

because if I didn't meet this woman I had nothing to fucking live for right? Like yeah when you're by yourself who gives a fuck I don't give a fuck if you know anything about me I can live in this room

if you know anything about me I can live in this fucking room and not be ashamed I've done it before a little towel on the floor a blankie a pillow a fucking TV at night you go watch Netflix on your computer

think about it think about what you would do if you were by yourself but when you have a family obviously you can't live in a fucking shed in your backyard because I could have found a way to live in all that

that was it when you're a single loser you're like fuck it if somebody rents me a closet I'm good it's mine I can put some books on the shelves I knew a guy who slept in a fucking closet he lived in his buddy's fucking closet

you know when you walk down the stairs those closets underneath he lived right in there he was happiest shit he was Spider-Man no he was at the Hulk at the fucking man's Chinese theater he was one of those characters

that played the Hulk and he lived over at the Martel cartel where I used to get Coke and I go there at night and his name was do what be real I don't know what the fuck what who that who that's what that's what we used to call

him who that who that lived in the fucking closet duckedness anyway it's a great week thank you for watching us this week this is our first week back from Labor Day nobody really knew what they were going on next week we'll have guests and Zoom and live guests and explosions till whatever fuck happens.

Pa-p-paw, cock-suckers. Don't forget, tonight I'm at Uncle Vinny's. Tomorrow I'm Uncle Vinny's. They're all sold out. Do not forget tomorrow night. Buffalo against motherfucking the Rams.

Oh shit. And then this weekend you got fucking Diaz against Shazmat. You got a great weekend. You got no excuse. I got a thousand things to do. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black.

Have a great week. And I'll see you cocksuckers next Monday. Tip-top. motherfucking McGoo. All right, I want to thank you, motherfuckers. Another fun-filled week. It was Labor Day Week. It was a little slow. But we're picking this motherfucker up next week.

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