The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #195 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 14, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Steve Simeone This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 07/14/2014.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. When you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey, that's Huluplus.com slash Joey. And buy Dollar Shave Club.com. Get high-quality rangers sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now, go to Dollar Shaveclub.com slash church. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash church.

Or just go to Joey Diaz. and click on the dollar shave club banner also the show is sponsored by on it.com go there to get your alpha brain, new mood uh, swim tech sport and stream tech immune anything like that use code word church to get 10% off and lastly

this show is sponsored by skatepod tank go there, get your sensory deprivation tank, mention Joey Diaz and get an additional $250 off. Oh shit. Oh shit! You motherfuckeruck is at the house waiting Well, here it comes for you, cocksuckers.

The devil in full effect. Monday. Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Crank that shit up, Lee Syatt. So good. Monday. So good.

July 14th. The day the devil was fucking fist-fucked in the muffler. At the deli down by fucking Jersey City. Oh shit. Sometimes you have. out with the devil. Sometimes you eat dinner with the devil. Today, we're running with satana.

You understand me? Monday, July 14th. It's a beautiful fucking day to be alive. Except you are there, cocksucker. You understand me? Lee Syatt, what's happening? I'm in the house.

I don't know. I see you. I have about seven more minutes. You see, with your little green shirt on and shit, looking good. You put some gel on your hair, do? No, I just cut it. But it's good.

You got a little fucking sun down there, and your year and a minute. How they feel? It was great. It's crazy how fast a year goes. It's crazy to think about where, like what would have happened if I never met her. But it was awesome.

What would it happen if you didn't meet it? Fuck. You would have still been fucking looking at Ashley when she was sleeping and shit. I would have been fucking hanging people I didn't want to hang out with and masturbating a lot. But it's, I actually didn't want to talk about, I don't know about you guys,

but what I, especially when I first started dating, I would do whatever the girl wanted. to do. It wasn't even a question. And I was never really happy. But even on our anniversary weekend, we went down and saw Steve on Friday night. And she loves comedy, but she's seen Steve and I could have, if she had said, I don't really want to do that. I wouldn't have been surprised. But she was really cool with it. We went and got food after. And I know there's a lot of guys out there who do the same thing. And whatever the girl wants to do, it's just immediately yes, because you want to have sex with them and stuff. And you want them to like you.

But when you have, like, a cool girl who does, who, like, does what both of you want to do, it's a lot more fun. So, I don't know, had a great weekend. You've been, you're a different savage and shit. You get yourself a girlfriend for a while that you're on Metz.com. Yeah, fuck. You're lonely and shit and look each other and love. You get your little green shirt on, you're slinging dick. Yeah.

I was telling you, I used to hate Saturday nights, Friday and Saturday nights, especially when I lived in Boston. Especially, I wouldn't go out. Because the fucking walk, in L.A., you could. drive around and kind of pretend you don't see it. But in fucking Boston or New York or Chicago, when you have to walk around and you're bumping into all the couples and you're by yourself with the fucking pizza or something, you're like, God damn, this is fucking...

The rest of the week is not that bad. Friday and Saturday night can suck when you're single. So how do you feel now in contrast to a year ago? Like, do you look forward to seeing her on Friday? Yeah, I look forward to seeing her on the weekends. I feel great. She's great. Every once in a while you're like,

hmm, it would be nice to have a weekend alone, but not really. What am I going to do? So, and we don't really do much. Sometimes I feel bad like she's going to get bored. But I ask her what she wants to do, and we watch Netflix,

we have some food. You know, it's funny because one minute you're in high school, you know, when you're thinking about relationships, you're kind of thinking about them. The next minute you're in college or you're living your life.

life, you know, you're outside of your house and you're wondering to yourself, when is this going to happen for me? You know, when am I going to get a girlfriend or somebody who love me, whatever the fuck. I have you, you know, somebody who suck my dick or do my socks, whatever the fuck. Whatever mentality you have at that age. You know, it's the mentality you have at that age. The mentality you have about love at 20 and the mentality you have about love at 35 is two different things. Two different things. At 20, you're looking for somebody to suck your dick.

Not spend too much money. do your socks and make your sandwich. You know, you don't really see love and life of what it really is, you know. But then as you get older, you see it. You know, when I had a girlfriend at 20, my priorities were

completely different at 30. But the funny thing is that one day you're living it. You know, one day you're at a movie theater with a girl and you're, you know, on your first or your second date, and it's very awkward. Yeah. And the next minute, you're at the sixth month mark, and you've slept with her already,

and you've met her brother and you've met her mom and it's okay and now you're at the three point mark then that comes a day you want to talk about weird when you're living with somebody oh god i mean i've never done that when you're putting your shoes on and you're faking the funk you know you're you're acting like you would if you want a TV show because you really don't know how to act you don't know how to act at that age you're 22 you're living with a woman you know uh and you act like you would on a TV Oh my God, that's a great moment.

You know. Yeah. And then reality. And so weird how life comes in phases, you know, like you're thinking about, like, I can't wait, though. I live with a woman one day. It's supposed to be this big deal. You're supposed to be a different person. But then one day you're there.

You're living with somebody, you know, and you're like, wow, this wasn't, it's either great or it's just weird to see revolutionally. Yeah, I know it's crazy. And then it's, we're going to wait a while to move in again. but it is kind of crazy like we start with like this weekend I caught myself thinking like fuck what if what if we get married or something in a few years and then when I'm 35 I'm completely different because I mean I see it so much now my parents are divorced her parents are divorced it's uh and it's getting to the point where a decision has to be made like it's not like she's not asking for a ring but at some point she's going to want one after a couple years

and what what she wants and what she gets is two different fucking stories lead. Yeah. They all want something, but it's at your time and it's at your pace and they're going to break your balls.

It took me nine years to propose to Terry. Oh, yeah. She'd murder me. No, no, no. It's, no, no. It's, what you're going to do? Go somewhere else.

Where are you going to go? The store is fucking closed. Yeah. Where are you going to go? This is your, you know, and that's a mistake we make that as men, you made a very valid point this morning.

Like, you can't do everything that they want to fucking do all the time. that's why sometimes you come to me you're like, I'm going to this restaurant I'm like, don't do it. Just for the simple thing that you have to have,

I have a different relationship with Terry than I say with Carol when I first moved here. When I first moved here, Carol used to always want to come to my comedy shows. When I started dating Terry, that shit wasn't going to fly. I don't want to hear my comedy shows. I made that a fucking point from day one.

Yeah, she's never there? No, no. I don't, you know, but Terry's the type of person that she went to three of them and said, this ain't for me anyway. This ain't for me. I can't see, you know, I'm going to be working at this club in October, and I was thinking about the feature actor. I love him dearly, but I know that he's going to show up with his wife, the family,

you know, her brother, the in-laws, the whole fucking weekend. And I'm over that point. And he's been doing comedy as long as I have. I don't get it. I don't get it. It's like they meet and then they do their... hair and it's this big fucking deal. To me, I want to get in and out of there, but

every, you know, we're just talking about every relationship's different. I'm always, I was thinking about you a lot this weekend because it has been a year, you know, a year earlier, we were tortured Melissa last year at the San Jose Improv. Right, yeah. That's great.

That was after, like, after my first date with Paul, we had two dates, and then I went to San Jose with you and she went to New York. And yeah, it's been a year since. That's fucking crazy. That's crazy how, I I remember being 20 and being a fucking ball of death. Like, I was just fucking crazy. I'm being, it was July 1st, 1985.

So it was basically 29 years ago. And I was alone, you know, I didn't know what to expect. I met this girl. I met this girl. I lived downstairs in my building. I saw her come up for a vacuum one day. And we made eye contact. And a week later, I asked her for a.

and we went out to Chinese food and we went, I had a stolen credit card so I would take it at lunches under $50 so they would run the credit card. And we ended up, the cops were looking for me for credit card fraud. And I told her the truth.

I liked her and I told her the truth. So listen, I ain't going to lie to it. The cops are looking for me. I got to get out of him. She's like, I'm coming with you. So she decided to come with me. This great little blue-eyed girl decided to come with me.

And I remember being in San Francisco in a hotel. room with this girl. Like I'm in all my life. I wanted to live with a woman. Here it is. Here it is. I'm in the bed with her. That's it. I get up in the morning. I go get a coffee. I go get her a Danish, you know. I go get her, whatever, orange shoes. I come back. She gets ready. We take a walk. I mean, I was living with this fucking woman. You know, and it was amazing that I made this whole big deal up in my head. There was this whole big deal up in my head about this, you know, dating somebody and being with somebody. And here it was.

And it was no big fucking deal. You know, it was no big fucking deal. Society had made this big fucking deal about, you don't live with her and this. And it was no big fucking deal. Yeah. Now, instead of just going on a date with, I didn't have to call her no more. I don't pick her up anymore. She was right fucking there, you know?

Yeah. The evolution of love is really amazing. And now to be with Terry for 14 fucking years. That's great. The first two years with Terry, I didn't even see her. Really? Didn't even see her, I don't think. I'd see you here and there drips and drabs

After work Midnight It was just amazing how this whole thing worked out You know But it's really a good thing to see You want to wait for your anniversary Yeah it's good There are and it's not even her

That's like She's not gonna listen But it's not negative things But I'm like Hmm Sometimes I'll be Like should I be thinking About stuff for podcasts right now

Sometimes I'll have thoughts like that which I guess I don't know if it's negative or I shouldn't have it but every once in a while I'll be like huh I mean she's only there on the weekends

and if I do Steve's podcast I'll still do it during the weekends but everyone's on like I wonder if there's something else I should be doing but it's I mean like you've said you don't even do Sundays anymore because you have to spend

parts of the weekend with your family well you have to have balance in your life yeah right you have to have that's what this life is about man When we're young sometimes, we don't have a lot of balance. We have a job, and then we have the weekends. I mean, I never took a vacation from the vacation.

Right. You know, when you were, when I lived in Jersey all those years, Friday came, you got a bag of quailudes, you went down the shore, and you came back Sunday night. Yeah, you came back Sunday night. You went to bed, you woke up, and you went to work. There was no gap. There was no, there was nothing, you know.

There was no nothing. Yeah. So it's just, I mean, listen, man, sometimes I sit there and I'm sitting with mercy, the baby, and I'm like, I should be writing a joke right now. But this is balance. Yeah. This is balance. Last night I was sitting there, and I was like, I need to do this.

No, I don't. I need to watch 60 minutes. And catch my breath to me. That's what I do every Sunday night. I need to watch 60 minutes and relax, you know, or what's the HBO sports? Real time, real sports? Or whatever the fuck. You have to do it.

Something that I've taped. You know, for me to entertain, I have to get entertained. Yes. You know, for me to entertain, I have to entertain. To learn how to entertain. So I have to be entertained. You know, sometimes I have nothing to do. I need to get entertained for an hour.

I've been on this computer enough. I've looked at this pad enough. I've been to gym enough. I've worried about this jiu-jitsu move enough. Now it's time to just soak. Now it's time to take two things. It's off a fucking pipe and let my mind take its fucking course. Relax.

Relax. I think that that's what I didn't do at an early age is find a time for myself. And now I find the time for myself. You know, the last two months, I've been having success losing weight. That's awesome. Losing weight a pound here, a pound there. And I didn't know what it was. I was sticking to a diet.

I was working out. I didn't know what it was. And then I sent my computer card in, Behind my sleep apnea machine, I have a card. And you're supposed to send it every 60 days, every 30 days. Then they email you a report of your month, what nights you had to apnea, what nights you drank alcohol, what your blood pressure was while you were sleeping. Wow. It has an indailed report.

And the doctor called me and said I was sleeping like 4.8 hours, 4.3 hours a night. Yeah, when you told me that, I couldn't believe it. Like, fuck. But it's true, because I was going to bed at 10 to 12. and then 4.15, oh, let me get up. I got something to do. And I get up and I'm drinking coffee and then the whole day

I'm walking around tired. Yeah, it's the worst. My blood pressure is high because when you don't sleep your blood pressure shoots up. Yep. So that's the downfall of that, that disease that I always have to do something. Joey, don't you sleep? I get on Twitter and I'd see people going, Joey, don't you sleep? You were just on Twitter

four hours ago. Yeah. I've been forcing myself to take care of myself lately as far as the sleep is concerned. You know, I'll eat an extra edible. You know, it's amazing how when I was snort and blowing, going out every night, I could eat three, 10 milligram volumes. So that's 30 milligrams of volumes. I got up to 60 milligrams at one. Wow. Is that a lot? Oh, my God, that could kill a horse. You know? Okay. Now I could do a point five. Wow. And sleep an extra two hours. So what happens is I go to bed at 11. When I wake up at four or three to people,

I'll stay up after I pee. I'll see one of the cats and start petting them and next thing you know I'm on the floor and that's not good for me so now as soon as I pee

I don't even look at the cats I just run back to that fucking bed put the blanket on my head and pray to God that I fucking fall asleep you know so I've been taking care of myself more that way

that's you have to do it's made you know there's so many variables and take care of yourself there's so many fucking variables and you know what man when you're 20 and you're working a job for an air conditioning company and you got a girlfriend and she lives 45 minutes away,

you don't sleep. You know, I know it. I've been there. I know what it's like to fucking have a job and drive, and you got to drive here and there, and you don't fucking sleep. You take that, but you got to, you know, there's so many variables that are taking care of your sleep.

You got to drink water. You got to take supplements. You got to. It's a fucking part-time job. Yeah. It's a job. It's a lifestyle. That's why Weight Watchers is.

It's not a diet. It's a fucking lifestyle This is it This is, you know It's what you're going to have to do What's up? Nothing I'm feeling this

Steve Simone's Hermone's Steve Simone's in the motherfucking house Getting ready for Vegas The soccer Yeah, I can't wait for that You know, they're taping

Tough season In L.A. In Vegas You know, like the UFC When they have tough Oh, cool So it's Sergio Pettus Against

I was just thinking of his name So they're in Vegas next weekend. So I'm going to hit the one kid up to come to the show. Oh, that'd be cool. What the fuck is his name? Gilbert Melendez with Jake Shields and all the fucking that Saturdays.

So they're in Vegas. So myself and Steve Simone, I'm surprised Steve's even going to be in Vegas because I don't know how La Jolla is going to survive. Fucking Steve is in La Jolla every fucking weekend. Yeah. I've never seen nothing like that in all my life. I love San Diego.

He's either at the fucking comedy store or he invents these fucking in one-nighters. What do you do one-nighters? Mal Hall's got one at the gas lamp. It's a cool little bar downtown. And that's on Fridays and Saturdays. They do that on Fridays. And then there's another one at this club called The Wood, right, two blocks away from

the condo in Pacific Beach. I stopped by on Wednesday night. It was awesome. The kid's like, you're going to come down in August. I was like, you're goddamn right. So they do comedy at Pacific Beach on Wednesdays? Yeah, it's a great room. You should go in there and blow all the way up. What's the name of the kid?

Josh Nelson. He's a good dude. I thought of the kid that used to run all those P.B. beaches. You know, San Diego had a great comedy scene about 10, 12 years ago. They even had a Monday night. Wow. So, basically, your week ran Monday night at this. Oh, my God, I forget the name of it. Fucking cool is shit.

What's that fucking, oh, my God. I forget the name of that page. Was that the, I remember seeing you at Moondoggies with Sam Tripoli back in the day. Yeah, Moondogies was Tuesday. And then Wednesday night they had something The one next door to it. Yes. Tuesday night was the moon doggies

where I met Adam Hunter. The stage was elevated. That's the first time I met Adam Hunter. He came up and he was like, listen, dog, I'm doing my Conan set, so make sure you're prepared to follow me and shit. That's a start. And you didn't know that this is a hell fucking room.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That they don't give a fuck about Conan. Right. You got to be crazy. They don't give a fuck. They didn't give a fuck about those credits then. So that was Tuesday. night and then Wednesday night was the moon

doggies, the one next to it where the chick got naked and came on stage with me that time, had a tremendous body and we fingered it. Fucking tremendous. And then that's next to, moon doggies is next to, it's close to the deadies. Yes. It's close to the delis. Right. So then they had

that on Wednesday night. Then Thursday did the La Jolla Comedy Store. They always had like a theme night. Super Flying night. Best of. San Diego. And then Friday and Saturday, you just stay at the weekend. Yeah. So that was a great little fucking weekend. Sunday,

you had the Dairy Queen there, a little drive-thru. It was like a 1950 Dairy Queen. With two little drive-thru windows, it breaks my fucking heart. They got rid of it. They still got the Mexican joint, correct?

Yeah, on the angle. And then you got Don Carlos in La Jolla, the best. The best, yeah. Yeah, he hooks it up. And then your buddy hit me up. The one who did his confirmation with his 50-old.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Don Carlos. That fucking little, that's it. Don Carlos, there's confirmation of his 50- He's fantastic. I got to tell you something, man. I had a...

San Jose is one of those towns like La Jolla that we've been going to as a comic for fucking 15 years, you know, because before San Jose club got big, they would always have us during the week. Wednesdays and Thursdays, drive up, drive up five hours, do the show,

share a hotel room, and then you come home. San Jose was one of the last. on the hotel in San Jose is tremendous. Yeah, it's nice. It's the Fairmont Hotel. It's fucking tremendous. You have a great week. You know, San Jose has the bakery downstairs.

Oh, yeah. With those real big treats. All kinds of treats. I stayed the fuck out of that this time. I went to McCormick and Schmitz one time. I got the lobster salad. They have a lobster special salad for lunch. Jesus fucking Christ.

Little bits of lobster would lettuce to man. You know what? And I'm impressed with it for California. They do it. that way all the motherfucking time in Texas at Papadoes. I love Papa Doe. Yeah, Papadose. They do with that seafood,

lettuce, tomato. Oh, my fucking God. Where you don't even finish it. You can't finish it. You know, but this place did it pretty nice. Plus, I used my little McCormick & Schmitz card. And they picked up the soup on the arm. Nice. But then original Joe's is just too much.

Yeah. We went there when last year, at like 10.30 in the morning. You plan the walk. Call me like, be down to stairs at 1027. Because with the walk, you got the dishes. The doors opened. I love original Joe's.

Get a side of spaghetti with a steak. And it's tremendous to go in there on a diet. Oof. It's different. That's discipline. No bread. That's it. No bread, no butter,

which is the best bread in California. I didn't touch the fucking bread one time. No appetizers, no soup, no nothing. The one day I went to work out and I had a salad. Nice. With a little steak, a little Chinese steak, no bread, that was it. And the one day I went and then got a, I split the cheeseburger.

Because you ever see this fucking cheeseburger in there? No, is it good? Oh, it's fucking egg. You got to see the steak and eggs in there. Oh, my God. My friend got steak and eggs when I'm like, look at the size that fucking thing. He kept offering me half the steak. I split the hamburger with his wife.

His wife is like, Joey, I don't want to eat that much. I don't need a lot. I just put the hamburgers and I tasted one steak fry just to see that yeah they don't fuck around they take a real fucking french fry

they take a real potato chop it up and dip that motherfucker they don't fuck around original shows since 1985 but I would eat at original shows wow 1985 we're gonna go on 30 years

next year I've been with and I ate original shows at the fucking airport yesterday on the way out you know me I got two steak Two eggs, a steak, and no bread, no potatoes, but I got an order of fruit.

Oh, that's awesome. That's it. And I just inhaled the fucking fruit. That's so good for you. It was a great weekend of dining. And the shows were good. You know, like I said, I haven't put a solid 45 minutes together since I did the CD. Yeah.

It's still in limbo. Yeah. But I'm working on things and things are starting to shine. Yeah, I love those sets. I love those sets because things are starting to shine. Two jokes here. One joke here. And you know, you know you're two weekends away from coming up with 35 minutes.

I feel it. From it all coming into. So at this point, you can feel it, yeah. I can feel it because sometimes you get down on yourself and you're like, ah, the people aren't going to get their money's worth. They're going to leave pissed off. But this weekend, you know what, man, I can feel the weave starting to come. You know, they're all mending together now.

It's just, it's really weird how comedy works. You could be banging out. For three months, you believe in a bit, you believe in a bit. It gets 50% yield on the labor. You know, people laughing, but not really, but you believe in it. And it just needs that little tweak. It needs a finger up the ass or a tongue in the fucking vagina. It needs something.

And all of a sudden, you write something, and it coerces and it fits. And now you got three bits. So when you had no bits, now you got 28 minutes. And I see it. When I left San Jose on San Antonio, I go, oh, I see it. It's right fucking there. I need one thing to insert, and it's over. I'm taking motherfuckers' lives away.

You understand me? Is that what people don't, when people say people don't, unless you're comedians that don't write? It's because that, I mean, it sounds like where you're out is fun, but like the very beginning of it, once you get through all that work, you're like, fuck, I don't want to lose this. It took me seven months to write this. But if you wrote it once, you could write it again.

That's the confidence. That's where you're coming from. You know, when I build a building, if I'm an architect, when I design a building, if I design a beautiful building, is that the only fucking building I'm going to design? No, I'm going to design a better building. Yeah. And I'm going to design a better building. And I'm going to design a better building.

So you always want to stay. It kills me when I can't come up there with at least one knew anything. Yeah. Something fucking happened that these people deserve to know about. Something fucking happened. Something happened on the drive here. Yeah. Something happened that lifted your curiosity that you could turn into laughter for two minutes.

Yeah. Something fucking. But then again, it's also the evolution of a comic is so fucking roughly. I went to watch comedy Thursday night. Okay. I went to see a friend of mine in San Jose. They did like a little open mic. And it's amazing.

I saw a kid get up that he did two jokes that were rewritten, stolen. And they did a joke about Asian. drivers. And I was like, wow, this is so fucking bad. One of the jokes was rewritten Mexican joke from a well-known comic. That as soon as you hear the joke, you're like, oh, fuck. You know? But it's amazing the evolution of a comic and where you want to go. Well, I mean, we talk about college along here. That's only four years. And like almost every Comic I hear says it's at least 10 years before you get any good at all.

I agree and I disagree. It's like anything else. It's like Jiu-Jitsu. It'll take you a year, maybe a year and a half just to see all the pictures and all the players. And then after that, you start making progress. Yeah. But not as fast as you would want. Yeah, it's frustrating.

Okay, by the two-year mark and the back of your head, you're ready for HBO. Okay. The reality is you're ready to host. Yeah. Do you follow me? So you have to align the mental compass with what's really with the reality compass. Okay, that's what's going on.

I love to mind fuck myself, but I never got ahead of myself. You know, it's really weird. I saw, when I was a kid, I used to watch Phil Jackson. I used to talk on the phone to Wiley O'Donnell and Chuckie McBrain. Tremendous. All right. We were watching the Knick game, no matter who the Knicks would play.

There was a time there in the seventh grade with me and Chuck McBreen and Widey O'Donnell would put in $25. $25. The seventh grade? 12 year old kids. Dude, that's a lot of money back then, too. That's $7 a piece.

Eight if you fucking lose on the Vig. All right? Eight or $9 if you lose on the Vig. Because it's dirty if you lose 25. It's 25 to win, dirty to lose. So we were in the seventh grade. and the Knicks would play whoever. We bet Tuesday and Wednesday games.

We had a science down already. We played Tuesday, Wednesday, at Thursday games. And let me tell you something. I don't know how in those days we used to have a three-way phone. Somebody could click the line twice, so what you did was,

so in the old days, you picked up a regular house phone. If somebody called you, you had to hit the line. And then, Lee, what's up? Hold on the other phone. Call waiting. And you hit the lane. It was called cold.

waiting. Yeah. But in those, even in the 70s, you had three-way calling where you clicked it twice and two kids would come on the phone or whatever. That had to be so much fun. So it would be me and you on the phone watching this Nick game. Yeah. And we would be yelling, fuck you, fuck, cock's up. Oh shit.

And Whitey would be like, what am I going to do? I can't ask my grandmother for $10 again. You know, what am I going to do? My grandfather's going to be mad at me. You know, $10 a lot of money when you're in the 7th grade. Fuck you in. Plus you want to go to the school dance. Plus, you want to eat. You got stuff to do. Yeah, you got stuff to do, right?

So I'm going to forget they would put Phil Jackson in. When you were a kid and the Knicks would put Phil Jackson in, your reaction was, all right, time to go. Fuck this motherfucker. He wasn't a great player? He was horrible. He came off the bench, and his main attribute was to defend against a ball coming in from out of bounds. He was six foot eight and lanky and had these long arms. So he would just do that.

Yeah. As soon as they put Phil Jackson, you would go, all right, talk to you the ball. Fuck! That's his job. Fuck! And somebody would hang up the phone. Like, fuck, you motherfucker.

We've been mushed. You know what I'm doing? Yeah, we've been mushed. Phil Jackson has become one of the best basketball players or coaches. Yeah, best minds. Best minds of our day. They're paying them a million a month to fix New York.

Dirty fucking years ago. When I was in eighth grade, seventh grade, Phil Jackson was a fucking joke amongst Joey Diaz, Wiety O'Donnell, and Chuckie McBring, the Irish Power of Tower of Power, right?

That's hysterical. So, that's just, the greatest lesson I ever got was from a comedian, a black comedian, who used to put cotton balls in his mouth. For what?

He used to go, this is my impersonation of Marlon Brando, the godfather. He would put cotton balls in this mountain and turn around, And he would turn right back around and go,

somebody fucked up my teeth, right? You know, just stupid shit, you know. But he came up to me one day, and we were talking. And he said to me, I love these guys that think they're headlining at the six-year mark. He goes, I love these guys. This guy held a day job. He was a computer engineer.

And he did comedy. He was very fun. He had his moments. But he was also very knowledgeable about comedy. Like once I met him, I knew that he had seen. through it yeah there's people that are not negative there's people that could look at the situation analyze it and say this is what I need to put into this I'm gonna do this but I can't do this right now he had two children right at insurance he had

a house he looked like Eddie Murphy he was very funny but in his mind he knew the reality of this game I can't do this right now I could do this on the weekends to accent my money and to make it a Robbie but I can't can't dig into this. Yeah, it couldn't be his life. So when you see somebody who's that very honest with themselves from the jump, you've got to appreciate that attribute. Like, you have to look at it and go, holy shit, that guy's on to something.

He's not really a loser because I had, he was always that comic that drove me home. Yeah. He would always drive me home and talk to me on the way. That's cool. And one day he told me, he goes, the most important thing goes, you see a lot of comedians, they think at the six, five year marks, they're headliners. Because some booker was headlining in the bar. Right.

And yes, you're a headliner by name at that time, but you're not a headliner. That's the truth. You're not a headliner. You know, there's journeyman electrician. You know, and you listen to journeyman electrician. Didn't Eric Clapton put an album out called Journeyman? Journeyman electrician is somebody who's been around. Somebody who's, you know, before you become a journeyman electrician, you're a residential

wireman. You get a license, so you start off as a helper, and then you're a residential wireman, which means you could wire dwellings up to two homes or three families. Don't quote me on this. I don't know exactly. I'm just explaining to you. Levels. And then, yeah, after four years, you could take a test to become a journeyman.

But a smart electrician knows that it takes about seven or eight years to really, yeah, I'm going to be a journeyman, but I'm going to get put on a job with real fucking journeyman. Yeah. And I'm going to go in there and throw my weight around. I'm going to fuck something up. Yeah. Do you follow me? Yeah.

Once you understand the art of something, jujitsu is Eddie Bravo has an arm bar, Cabrini has an arm bar, and fucking Dave Camarillo has an arm bar. They're going to teach it to you. Each one might be a little bit different. You're going to go, but the art of it is you making it your own. Wow. That's brilliant.

That's the art. That's the martial art. Every art has a point. You're going to sit here and go, Joey, I went to Taekwondo school and there's 60 bucks a month. And I went to the karate school and there's 65 a month. I get more classes. What's the difference? You know, well, one has more kicks. Then you go online. What champions have won with Taekwondo, you know, with Kung Fu?

It doesn't matter because it's an artist. What you're going to do with it. You know, that's why you can't look at another car. It can go, well, I want to do what Steve. Simone is doing. You can't do it. what Steve Simone is doing. Because you have to take what Steve someone is doing,

either put a variation on it or make it better in your mind. Yeah, make it your own. Make it your own. You know, and that's what stand-up. So, brother, you know where you, I didn't know how good you were as a producer because I did somebody else's podcast the other day. I understood your job a lot more.

Okay, no, no, no, I understand. Do you follow me? So sometimes you have to see this fucking game differently in your head. A lot of people kill at Barney's Beinerary. And next you know, they're on the phone with CIA going, dog, you better tell Bill Burr to sit back, bitch. You know, you better tell Kevin Hart that it's all over from and they hang off the phone. Dog, because I felt like doing it. How do I know?

Because I did it. Right. I remember the first time doing 42 minutes at some bar in Denver. Like after I had been doing 15 minutes for 10 years. Like one night they forgot to give me the light. The guy that was supposed to give me a light was getting his dick sucked in the back of the car. And I'm back there just doing material. You follow me?

It was like a placebo effect. If you were to call me and say to me, Joey, I got a room for you tonight. I want you to do 45 minutes. I go, Steve, I love you. I can't do 45 minutes. And you go, Joey, yes, you can. Come on. I'll give you 100 bucks.

I'm like, I can't. Just because I'm real. I can't. I wouldn't get put myself in that position. But while I was up on stage, featuring, doing 30, he was going out to the car to get his dicks up. So I kept doing time. And he came in and finally gave me the light.

And he's like, whew, I'm sorry, bro. I'm like, why? What happened? He goes, you ended up doing 43 minutes. And I'm like, get the fuck out of here. He's like, yeah, man, look, I got it. I forgot. I went out.

bar-time that was sucking my dick, I didn't tell what's his name to give you a light. First time I realized, I did 43 minutes. So I didn't tell the story right. You know, our headlining is when you do 45 minutes. Yeah. So I was only supposed to do 30. The guy didn't give me the light to get off stage, and I kept going. It was like, I kept going.

I didn't know. When I got off, he told me I did 43 minutes leave. I didn't even drive home that night. I floated home. Yeah. Yeah. I just went to the parking lot. I lit my car on fire. And I just floated to fuck home. Yeah. Great feeling.

Because I did 43 minutes. I did headline at time. And for two days, I was by the phone with a list of numbers I was on a call and tell them to suck my dick. Because I had done 43 minutes. Thank God I was very, I knew that I wasn't a headline. I knew I had done the time, but I wasn't a headline. Right. A headline. You know when I became a headline, if I tell you guys, when I became a headline, I was a headline. came a headliner, you both laughed.

When? Two years ago in Columbus, Ohio. How long had you been headlining? 12 years probably. Fuck. Wow. Okay. When I first moved to L.A. in 97, I got sent on a headlining mission.

I didn't even, I wasn't even a good feature. I wasn't even a purple belt with straps. I was like a blue belt with a few straps. And I was sent to Jacksonville to headline. I did terrible. I knew I wasn't a headliner. I knew in my heart. A lot of people.

People that wouldn't be that honest with themselves. I knew of my heart, I wasn't a headliner, so I never really tried to push myself out as a headliner. Unless it was a C room. I was a lot better than C headliners. Yeah. But I was on an A headliner, but I'm telling you right now, I've been doing comedy for 23 years,

and I became a headliner two years ago. What happened? I could have become a headliner after 12 or 13 years, but because of my drug addiction and my other problems, I didn't focus on it. I never thought I would achieve that goal. you just click, it clicks on stage. Once you see a headliner, you see a headliner, you go, wow, that's a headliner.

A lot of guys are out there doing comedy and doing headliner time. Yeah. That's different. You're a headliner. When you would watch Greg Heraldo, you know you were watching a headliner. When you were watching Joe Rogan, you know you're watching a headliner. When you're watching Fluffy, you know you're watching a headliner. Even when you're watching Dane Cook.

You know, you're watching a headliner. What it would have to say about Dane Cook? He has a beginning and middle of an ending. And he could hold you for 45 minutes. There's a difference between a headliner and a comic. And that's why a lot of you people know about certain comics. And they're going to become headliners, but they're not headliners yet. Yeah.

You feel the same way about headlining. I mean, you headline rooms right now. Yeah. You're starting to. Yeah. But, yeah, there's something to it. You can't, I don't even know how you would describe. it, you just watch somebody and they draw you into their world.

And you go, okay. It's a different thing. Do you think it's, I mean, I'm not really way too high. But like, you know how, like you said, at the beginning you feel like you're a headliner, but you're not? And then you just said, like, two years ago is where I think I became a headliner. Maybe in like five years, you'd be like, fuck, I thought I was a headliner seven years ago. But now I'm a headliner. Like, it seems like it keeps going.

Well, if you take any value in what you do. as a human being. If you take any value of what you do, you know you're going to get better in certain spots. At this point, I know I have weaknesses in my stand-up game,

absolutely. We all do. You know, we all want that 45 minutes people on. When I leave the stage, I want to look like, what would the room look like if Bruce Lee came in here?

Yeah. I started kicking the motherfuckers. I don't want people to stand up. I don't want people to clap. I want them to be on the floor, laying there like I shot them all. I want to see 200 people on the floor. I don't want to see you standing clapping or clapping or going,

that was a great time. Fuck no. I want to see you barfing on the floor. You know, that's in my mind. So until I see that, I didn't do a good fucking job. Wow. People will come up to you and say, my jaw is hurt, whatever. That's great.

I don't see you. I don't see no ambulance to see it. You know what I'm saying? I'm coped up and some chicks got to suck my dick to her jaw pops out. And you got a downline. You don't get a blow job to your jaw pops out? You ever suck a fucking twat

until your fucking jaw pops out? No, that's what you know. That's what you know. To the bottom of this thing swells up. You got a little line under there. You wake up the next morning. You have like a little fucking blister under there. That's when you know you ate that ass

for like 55 fucking minutes. You know what I'm saying? You suck that fucking thing like a slurpy on a son of day. Where's the music slurpy? Let's put this shit on, Cotsucker. It's Monday, July 14th. A beautiful fucking day to be a beautiful

fucking day to be alive. I want to be around. What? To pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Lee, you ready for another edible cock suck?

No. Come on. Let's do the head. I just did the head of one little scumish home. You got another little head. No. You got a little head like Lee. You see him? They made it to look like Lee. That's a little bit running on a treadmill.

No, look at them. Oh, my God. Where's the music, Copsucker? You want to vapor? No. Why not? Because I had just the head. You had to, like, the whole body.

I had just the head. And this is going to be bad, you guys. You're going to eat the arm next. I'm going to eat the whole body except for you. What do you like? The wing? The wing. Nothing like getting stoned on a fucking Monday morning.

You go out there into this cruel world and you're prepared, you understand me? You take the world by storm Like fucking Patton. Steve Simone in the house, my brother, let me give some shoutouts real quick. Steve Simone to some fucking people. I got to get to you.

I got to talk to you about some things here. I'm about a shout out to my main man, John Diaz. My main man, Robert Rodriguez, bringing me a pipe and shit for my fucking vaporizer. Jim Bergman, I love you, cock sucker. Beatrice Bathory, I love you too.

Jason Schminer will nail drip. I love you too. and Joshua Michowski get it together or all the people came out in San Jose some badass

motherfuckers came out Sergio Ortega always showing up with Lee's fucking flying Jew t-shirt on and shit I loved it

I loved the Facebook picture It was a great weekend of San Jose It's funny because I got involved in something I wanted to train with guerrilla jihitsu His name is Dave Camarillo

And I wanted to take one of the classes. And it's fucked up Thursday. My plane was delayed by two hours. I tell you about that. No. I love Southwest. You know, I really do.

Southwest, with these short jumps, they do the ticket. They do the trick. For an hour. For two hours and less, I got no beef with Southwest. It's when you got to sound there for five hours. It's a long fucking plane ride.

Yeah. And I went and there were two hours late, so I missed the 5 o'clock Purple Belt class on Wednesday night. So I called Dave, and I go, can I come in tomorrow for the open mat? He goes, yeah, what do you want to do? You want to roll? I go and get a lesson from you.

Let me tell you something. He gave me a private lesson. I was fucking wiped the fuck out. Yeah, that picture, you looked at it worked hard. Oh, my God, that motherfucker put me through hell. The torches of hell. But my training partner was Kyle Kingsbury's father, who was a brown belt, and he was 61 years old.

Wow. Or 56 to 61. That's great. He started at 56. Oh, okay. He's 61 years old. You should have seen this guy's body. You should have seen his fucking body.

I could feel his strength when we were rolling. It's just amazing. It's a great little art, you know. I mean, I couldn't work out Saturday, and my knee was hurting. I'm going to have to cut my knee. I'm going to have to do the surgery. I'm going to get a second opinion from a therapist. I'm going to call him today and make an appointment.

I tell you what's hurting my knee also, those two shows. Yeah I gotta put my leg up in between shows You know Those fucking Friday When I got home My knee was on fire You know

Because I do the show I talk to people I'm standing Then I do the other fucking show It was on fire And I hate fucking Taking your leaves every night I hate that

And that shit kills Your fucking liver And your kidneys You know Yeah So I think I'm gonna have to cut this I'm gonna go give this One guy a shot

My friend's boyfriend friend is some type, he does some type of therapy with lasers. You know, my wrist hurts from the kettle bounce. One wrist, I hurt my wrist, but it hasn't got any better. And this knee's fucking up, and I got to be honest with, this other knee's starting to slip a little bit. Probably because of it where you got to balance it. It's the weight, bro.

It's weight. And like I said, I'm making a fight at it, and I'm going at it every week a little by a little, but it was, you know, I called. I'm such a fucking pussy, bro. Fear works, and it tries to take you all. over at all fucking levels. That's true. And I hear it in people's voices

because I heard it in my voice for years, you know, and it's funny when you try to break somebody's fear for certain reasons, I'm good at it because I had to break my own fears. Exactly. I'm very good at what somebody says to me, well, there's going to be traffic.

Listen, bitch, I hate fucking traffic, okay? There ain't going to be no fucking traffic. I wouldn't put you in that predicament. All right. If there's going to be traffic or whatever. And I know how fear shows up in different ways.

and it's so funny, I felt fucking great Thursday night. After I did the show at 10 o'clock, me and Los Gumi's and Monos hooked up. We were smoking dabs before the show. We fucking went. There was a long line on Thursday night. There was 200-something people on Thursday night. I felt fucking great.

Wow. I went on stage. I had a mediocre set. It was my first set of the night, you know? So first set of the week. I was busy during the week so I didn't get on stage. We had two night podcasts. One of them went late,

so I didn't really get a chance. just to work out to ha-ha. So that first Thursday night was my first set. Let me tell you something. I went down there and it was okay, but I was so fucking stoned on stage from those dabs.

It was just sensational. But those people from San Jose, it seems like, and Lee is my fucking voucher here. Is it me or does everybody in San Jose get high? Oh. Is it me, Lee, or am I lying to the people here? Everyone who comes to your show

because, remember, I was high on, with Eddie Dolores and two kids came up and they took a big nugget out of their back pocket and they're like, this is Lisa Hyattween and I was like, and they're like, we grew this for you.

I've never, I couldn't talk. The night was Melissa in San Jose. I was just walking around. I couldn't open my mouth. She showed up with a box of 500 milligram brownies. Oh, that's terrible. Here's the best about Goomies and Milos. I love Nailed their life.

I love everything about these guys. They're hardworking. They got great customer service. I tell you they had a peanut brittle and I was supposed to bring Lee some but I forgot it. Lee, this peanut brittle is so fucking delicious.

You know when you put something in your mouth and you just let it melt. Some things you bite, some things you just melt. Yeah. And it's less than, it's 125 milligrams. They didn't want to, so what they did is they made it as strong

as the... Gummy? Gumming, but they don't give you as much. Oh, okay. So it's just a little taste on the move. I'm saying fucking delicious tremendous

brother tremendous do you smoke actually we this weekend uh yes I did two bong hits

with uh what's his name Saturday and I get high a little bit yeah I had a good time I had a really

simple I like when I have time to tomorrow I have to talk to Comedy Central I'm doing that show with Ari oh that's going to be

great to storyteller one calling me but the time frame is going to suck why it's 12 minutes they're going to do a commercial

break at seven. So your story has to go around seven minutes and you've got to bring them back. I don't really have a story. You know, it has to be picked between friendship, romance, danger, and something else. I like the danger aspect.

Yeah, I'm sure you've got a thousand. I have a thousand danger aspect. But real danger. You know, it's funny how when you, you don't, who directed the Godfather? Coppola. You don't know how good Francis Coppola is. until you watch Godfather

and, you know, we sit here podcasts after podcast if you have a conversation about movies somewhere along the line it goes back to the Godfather, something like that. Masterpiece. And yes, it is a mafia movie that is very interesting,

it's got a great cast, but the best person in that cast is Francis Ford Coppola because, you know, directing has become a person with a camera. directing is the original storyteller okay the director takes the script first

the producer and he reads it and the producer says well in my eyes this is what I feel I want the reader to take home or the person who watches his film to take home the director comes along and he figures out how he's going to become that conduit how he's going to let the

people who pay the $8 or the $5 or the $12 coming to see this movie, how are they going to take that message home? And there's a couple of scenes in the Godfather 1 and 2 where the camera work is brilliant because it takes your mind somewhere and it takes your head somewhere else. i.e. when Vito dies, they don't show his body, they don't show him falling.

They show him about to have a heart attack and then the camera pulls back. Yeah. And a minute after he dies, when the kid goes to run, the wind, of heavy wind. In your mind, that's the wind taking your soul.

That's how we were raised, you know what I'm saying? So that's a really good director. But there's a scene in that movie where, and I want to talk about this, I just need to get the balls to tell the story. And it's where he, right before he's about to kill Salazzo in the restaurant, and you hear the trains.

You hear the trains. Anybody who's done something bad, when you shoplift, that's something bad because you're going. against what you believe. You know what I'm saying? You're going against your morals. If you fuck a woman in the ass

when she's sleeping, you know, you're going against your morals. So you feel bad, but you still do it. But when I say to you, Lee, we're going to get a gun. I'm going to kick that fucking door down.

You just started dating this girl. You just came back from your one-year anniversary. The podcast is going gray. Your father's doing well after all these years. Your mom has just retired. She's happy. All these things are going well. And then Joey Diaz is asking you to get a gun and go kicking the door. Two minutes before we're kicking that door, what you feel is something that you've never felt before. What you're about to feel is something you've never felt before.

the sense of danger, the sense of fear, the sense of you're about to lose everything, all rolled up into one fucking minute. People have never put that weight together. I'm going to put it together for you. You have no idea. Here's Michael Corleone. He's in the Army.

He's home. They just shot his father. Everybody in his family, Everybody he knows is a fucking killer. I'm not talking about some guy that just shoot you and runs in this car. I'm talking about guys that will put a gun in your fucking mouth and sit there and blow your brains down and smoke a cigarette afterward and talk about how they got the same shirt you got.

And you're worried. These are killers. These are psychopath killers. He's got all this pressure in the world. He's going to step outside this bathroom door. he's going to pull a gun from a bathroom he's going to step outside of bathroom door and he's going to kill the hottest gangster

in New York City and the chief of police what was that guy? McClusty. Macluskey. Captain of the police. You're about to kill a cop and a gangster and you're supposed to walk into a car that's going to pick you up miraculously.

Do you know what's going through your mind and there's a, you know, put the scene on. There's a scene. part in that scene where he looks down and touches his head. You have no idea and everything starts to rumble. Everything rumbles in your mind. Fear works fucked up. And you're, he's glennard.

Don't take it too long. And you move that up when he goes to the bathroom. Because he's walking into the bathroom. Yeah, he's just walking in the stall right now. Do you want to go further? Oh yeah, before he goes to go out. Okay, he just, you find him the gun. What is it?

You know, he's holding on to his head. There's silence. The director is building the fear in Michael Corleone, that he's building it himself, and only a person who's done something very bad knows this fear I'm talking about. This danger, when you're thinking, and you're looking on the floor,

and you're thinking about your kids, you're thinking about your parents, you're thinking about your mom, your dad, your job. He already walked out. Mm-hmm. You know, and now the train's going to start rolling again, right? I think so. See, he's talking to him, but he can't even focus.

Yeah. He's not making out of content. He's not, he hears this train. You hear that train? That's him telling you fear. This is tremendous. When you're that scared, you ain't hearing that. He's about to go.

There you go. It's Monday morning, motherfuckers. Jesus. That poor waiter. You're worried about the fucking waiter. Don't worry about it. He's union. You know, fear is fucking crazy.

But I forgot about that aspect of it. That he's talking to him. And he can't even hear what he's saying. That's how much fear takes over. Your heart, all you hear is your heart beating. and all you see is your life flashed before your eyes. Like, I'm never going to see Lee again. I'm never going to see Steve Simone.

What if they got a guy down the corner? What if this guy doesn't die and pull out a gun? He shoots me back. What if? What if I do? You have all these what-ifs running through your mind, and there's only one thing for you to do is pull that fucking trigger.

Kick that door down. You know, I did so many fucking things that involved my heart beating. And you know why I did them? because it made my dick get hard. Till this day, I love my dick to get hard. Not before sex, but before something that, something, it's like when I say something,

it's like when I get into an argument, when somebody tries to boss me around on a set because they're a director or a producer, and you fly back at them. I live in that world. That's my world to say something back to you. It's my world. I love that when my heart beats,

when you say something and there's that fucking moment of silence, silence. Like time just stops. I love all that shit. Not all the time like I used to when I was 18. Right. But once a month, it ain't bad. It's a bad. It's like when they're playing cards and goodfellers and they shoot the guy. And they all look at each other. Like, it's a great fucking game. It's a great game. You know, somebody got shot. Lee, what's up, you cocksucker? No much, buddy. Look at you. Stone to the guilt. Steve Simone, what's going on with you?

Lee ain't got nothing to say. Just looking forward to Vegas, happy I recorded the album. Finally. Yeah, finally. You've recorded this CD, what, eight, nine? A million times. It went great. The one I went to.

It was awesome. So you recorded this one where? At the Comedy Store and Laura. Friday night. So you went to La Jolla Friday night? Look at you. How long was the drive from? Hour 10, I think.

Because we went to the late show to miss all the bad traffic. So it was Leap sitting there with his wife. Yeah, Paula came in. I was so excited. Was he saying? He said, you were... He had his arm looped and her arm like that. They were both like...

It was great. Lee Syatt's here. And then people that listen to the podcast were like, there's Lee Boom Boom, Boom, Syatt. And then people were coming up to me after the show. I heard Lee was here. I heard there was a Lee sighting. It was great.

It was a bad motherfucker. Look at him. Oh, my goodness. Lee, when you go home, what are your parents talked to you about? Well, I know they're not in Philly anymore. but when you go home at this point in your life and your career, what do your friends say to you

about comedy? Do they ask you stupid questions? Not anymore. I remember like a joke I did about it was like when I first went back to Philly, everybody was like, how's it going? When are you going to make it? Like, you know when you would have a good set at the comedy store and I remember walking off stage going

I should call my parents and tell them pick out a beach house? I'll be able to buy it for you. Now nobody even cares. Like nobody wants to put that kind of pressure on me. They're just happy to see me. So your parents live in Florida now? Who's left in Philly?

My brothers, my aunts, my uncles, cousins. It's amazing. And do they remember the beginning when you started in Philly? Yeah. And would they go watch it then and you'd be like fucking dying on stage or what you'd be talking about? I didn't do that much in Philly but when I got started

I was filthy on stage. I would just because I was nervous I would curse all the time and then now. You don't give a fuck. Yeah, whatever. Let them laugh. I have to fucking not laugh. Who cares? It's funny. You're kicking ass, bro.

And you're on a little way every week. Listen, man, as long as you're out there. That's it. And this is all we talk about. And that's, it's so important with comics, especially in L.A. You know, what your attitude and your habits are when you're in Philly or Michigan or Idaho, those are great for them. When you live in this town, there's so many small windows of opportunity.

Anymore, especially on the weekends to get on stage. You think about a beginning comics career. We get on stage Sunday through Thursday because there's open mics. Friday and Saturday are the money nights. They don't need us. So for us to get on stage on Friday and Saturday, and right now you're in that transition period. Yep.

Where you're just about for people to start coming to see you. Yep. You're just right there. It's just six more months, you know. But every week, and it's funny, like, I goof about when I lived in Washington, there was a club called Giggles, And the owner had, he was a Vietnam vet,

and he got hit with a fucking, with a shell or something like that, and he would forget. So he would come in on Saturday and see you, Friday and Saturday. And on Saturday, after he paid me, I would ask the waitress to go inside, and who was the feature act for the weekend? And the girl would come out and go, nobody. And 9 a.m. Monday morning, I would call him. He'd go, who's this, Joey Diaz?

Hey, Joey, what can I do for you? I want a feature in your club. When was the last time you were there? Eight years ago. I was just there. weekend before. Wow. But his mind was so bad. He would keep booking me. I would be there two, three weeks in a row. And I would tell my friends, call down there, and then I would jump back on the train. And next thing you know, I had Lee, me and you, we were the only features he had,

Lee, when he asked you, when the last time you were down there telling me eight years ago. Oh, here it gets better. I would take a draw from him on Thursdays, and he would forget. Wow. And he would pay me on Saturdays. So in those days, it was a feature. I was getting $2.50 for the weekend. It was $50 a show. I would get him for $200 on Thursday night plus the $250, so I'd get him for $450. So it became a little bit better.

You follow him? He was still shipping money, but it was better than nothing. You follow me? Because he would forget to give you a draw from Thursday night. And you're doing the same thing. And I giggle, and I wasn't making funny. I was just giggling that you got La Jolla locked down. You don't have to get on no plane.

Everybody else is getting on a plane, carrying luggage. You're getting your car on Thursdays. You've got a place to stay. It's great. It's one way or another. How's the condo look these days? They just put Wi-Fi in it, so it's fantastic. Come on.

Yep. Wi-Fi, what else? New carpeting? New carpeting. It's great. No rats. No. You know what?

They don't even, I guess somebody got sick or something. Like, you know, people leave down like, you know what? Okay, Joey's coming in the next week. Leave these beers in the fridge. We'll leave these chips here. They clean out everything now. Everything. So I was giving food to Don Carlos.

I'm like, because we were watching the soccer game yesterday. And I go, just take it all. He doesn't know leave it for the comics next week ago. They throw it all out. I'm embarrassed. I know nothing about the soccer. I know Germany played Argentina. Oh, thank God it's over.

It's all I know. It's over. Yeah, it was over here. I don't know nothing about soccer. I don't know. And it's so, it's amazing how this country came in waves. When I was in grammar school and high school, soccer still.

wasn't popularized in the East Coast. Some Spanish guys played it. Right. When I was a kid, some form of Spanish people played it. Right. I didn't know they were Mexicans. I just knew that on Sundays at Hudson County Park at some of the parks, some brown motherfuckers would get together and kick a ball around.

I don't know what the fuck that is. And then now, you know, everybody's doing it, you know. Well, for years, people did. Like Rod Stewart's a big soccer player. All those musicians have you know anything about it. Yeah, all those British guys. So I don't know this shit. I just picked it up later.

So it's not that I don't like soccer. It's that I wasn't in that culture. Right. You know, when I was a kid, some kids had a skateboard. That's it. There wasn't a skateboarding culture when I was growing up. Right. You didn't have to wear a hat, be bobbed up,

and have a short time with knee pads and a tattoo. Right. All you needed when I was growing up was a skateboard in a motherfucking hill. And that was it. And that was it. now there's a culture. Yeah, everything's like a lifestyle. Everything's a lifestyle.

So that was the difference. I don't want, when I make stupid soccer comments, it's not because I'm saying it's stupid. I don't really know soccer. I wasn't, that lifestyle wasn't. We had tennis. Right. That's as far out as North Bergen Highway.

We had fucking tennis. Right. That was it. What are you fucking nuts or what, Lee? Lee, look at you. Stone to the Gizilda Heights on a Monday morning. who's better than you? If you're not fucking high by 10 o'clock,

go fuck yourself. It's Monday. July 14th, what are you going to do? You're going to listen to here? Well, Joey, I got a piss in the cup. Fuck you. It's communism. Get the fuck up, cuck, sucker.

What's up? What's up here, Lee? Look at you, you sack of shit. Oh, my goodness. In love all weekend. What are you going to go home? Do you know? You're going to go nap, cugsucker?

Oh. You got to get back to those loads you shot. How many loads you shot this weekend? More than I know. You're out of fucking Jewish. loads. No, I'm going to probably go to sleep for a little bit, but then go work out.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. What's going on today with you? That's about it, man. What are you got tonight? Nothing. Rick and I are doing his later this week. And, yeah, that's about it. I'm just way, I'm super high right now.

You didn't go see any movies this weekend? You're supposed to be on top. You're supposed to... What kind of foods you eat this week? And what kind of diet foods did eat? Well, we actually did pretty good. Talk to. No desserts? No, we had a dessert last night on the anniversary.

And I had the one cheat. Okay, I got two cheats. One, I had to get a, I got a swirl at the beach, small swirl. But I'm almost embarrassed to admit this, but we had a little bit of a weekend off. Have you guys tried a cronet yet? Yes. It's a croissant donut. And it's, I had one.

But it was the most delicious thing. It was... What flavor did you have? It's just like glazed donut flavor. But we did pretty good. I mean, we had one slice of pizza. We went to the gym every day. You're going to have a slice of pizza with a salad.

Yeah. But I don't know. Pizza's not bad. It's 13 pizzas with wings and dressing from fucking pizza pizza. Yeah. That's what's fucking... That'll kill you. But our weight watches.

Pizza's great. Pizza's like eight for cheese. pizza like not even a marguerite there's nothing that I know it's not gluten you know whatever the fuck it is but a slice a pizza with a fucking salad isn't bad but I talked to you

at the gym on Friday I think and it just it's we force ourselves to go so at least we did that and it's uh you can maintain at least if we go to the gym but then yeah we went to Thai food which is pretty good um

and the last night there's a like a I don't think it's a French place. It's just like a place in downtown LA called Perch. We got some steak. It was delicious. There was a place I used to go to the East Coast where the steak came with a not a pastry on it. I got a French place. It was like a light pastry with cheese inside, like a white sauce, like a granite cheese, whatever fuck that word is. I don't know anything about words. It was fucking pretty good. A little steak with no fat on it.

wrapped by a little pastry. That's the way the... I'm not a big honor, I don't know, but I know that I've had that before. You know? It's funny how when I first met Steve Simone, Steve was hanging out with dice, doing sets with dice,

and we went to Vegas with Jim Norton, and Bobby Lee, a lot of people who know us. And Steve and Andrew were trying to really get me to go to the gym. Yeah. And I couldn't understand why. I couldn't understand why. And guys, I had grown up.

in a gym. I had always loved the gym. I understood the gym. I understood what the gym was for. Yeah. You know, and then when high school, I started getting success at the gym. I started building mass. Some people could go to a gym for six weeks and get a vein on their arm and a bicep and people come up and can go, bro, you're lifting. You know, and some people, it's in your DNA. It's in your genes. It's the way your body adjust, you know. So I knew from early on, playing basketball from doing, you know, five sets of 12 curls, that my body reacted to it. So I did well with it, you know, and then I lived in high school. I got a little big, and then when I went to Colorado, the guys I lived with every night, those guys didn't believe in the TV.

Like, it was just amazing. Like, they got home from fucking work. They didn't sit around, smoked joints. No, these guys built the squat rack in the house. They had everything made from wood. metal. Wow. Lap machine,

squat racks. They didn't believe in gyms or nothing. And downstairs they had a bag of fucking weed and they rolled joints and they would go downstairs

put on Black Sabbath and just lift weights. And they do all the strength exercises benching and cleans and all that shit. Yeah.

So you couldn't sit upstairs where they didn't have a TV. They had a stereo with milk cartons to sit on and curls

of all different weights. Wow. So when you sat down, you didn't really sit down. Why you were having a conversation, you're working out. That's the people I love. Wow. So I lived with them for a while.

Then when I lived with Jimmy, me and Jimmy moved out, Jimmy and me put a punching bag on the balcony. So there was no excuses of going to the gym. You know, 30 minutes before you watch TV, you went out there, you put your mitts on, you stretch, and you hit the bag, and you do push-ups. So I had been brought up in that mentality. Yeah. And even when I went to Jersey, all those guys do blowing shit.

But they're at the fucking gym. Yeah. And they go to the gym. Yeah, I'm going to do arms. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They do arms four days a week. They go to the gym, they do three sets of curls, two sets of sit-ups, and they make a phone call. We got to go.

I got things to do. But they go do arms, you know. The point of the story is that even though they had an early age, I knew that when I was a thief, and I was making plats like I. You gotta think, how are we gonna make money this weekend? I don't know. Give me an hour. That hour was me with Deft Pearl Jam,

I don't know, Depp Peril Jam, Depp Leppodon, in a gym with a lot of those cement weights with the rubber around them. Oh yeah. Remember those weights that you filled up with cement, so they were rubber. Oh, yeah. And cement was in them.

And they told you it was 30 pounds. It could be anything. I don't know. It could be anything. And I remember just doing like bench presses, bent over road. one-arm pulls, upright rows, all the strength exercise. Curls, reverse curls, pull-ups off the bench, and I would do that four days a week.

But that hour and a half was spent in plotting. Yes. You know, which I was plotting my next move, plotting how I was going to break into this house, plotting who I was going to use, what weapons, what vehicles I need, what tools I would need, who I would need, same thing applied. So all those years, I started to use.

she is, I stopped doing all that shit. And it was you and Andrew, who slowly and Chrissy. Oh, yeah, she was a sweetheart. Chrissy was, she worked at the gay Golds. Yep. On Gower.

Yep. The real flaming, where a lot of flaming men hang out. Really? And Dice would go there. She would make Dice go there. So she's the first person that pulled me aside.

She goes, I'm moving to New York. But I had to do something. I got you a year's past. So you have a year of no excuse. And I felt so touched. I remember her saying, Joe, you got to run, you got to walk, you got to do all these things. And for a couple minutes, I was kind of mad at that. Yeah.

I was like, look at this bitch telling me what to do. Yeah. But then, before I choked her, I realized where she was coming from. Nothing but love. And how much she cared. And at first I would go in there and do it. And then I remembered again what it was for. I remembered what the gym was for.

It wasn't to lose weight. It wasn't to get healthy. It was for my Naga. But instead now, of planning to rob somebody and planning on stealing from somebody and planning on how I was going to do drugs on Friday, I was writing a joke. I was making my plan.

Well, if I book a movie and I put out a special, it's a one-two punch. So I was planning my life. You know what I'm saying? That's why I said to you, you have no idea the benefits of exercise. It's not just to help you lose weight. It's to give you an hour.

That hour is so, I can't pay you for that hour. Yeah, the best idea is fine. People can't pay you for that hour. I'm telling you right now, when you were editing, think about it. If you just edited it and you had that night job, yeah, your thought process is when you're driving home on the 405. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Along with, I hope this motherfucker's not closed. Right. I hope that my exit. I hope there's no fuck. traffic. I hope I have soda at the house. I hope that's, you know what I'm saying? I hope there's a parking spot. Yeah, a million different things.

I'm not talking about getting in your car and going. I left the phone in the car. I'm not even fucking, like, I worry now when I go to the wine out, it's so hot. You were getting your car and you leave your phone in there and your phone's too hot. Sizzled, yeah, yeah. It overheats. You know, it overheats and shit. And I don't give a fuck. I don't

give a fuck. That hour in there belongs to me. If you go in there and you really bang it out for an hour and 15 minutes. No talking. You know that guy that comes up to you. How are you? Oh my God. I went in for this. I did listen. I don't know nothing. That's why I always got airphones on. I don't know nothing at the gym. Don't even think about it. If you come up to me, you go, hey, how was the movie? Black people? And so you know that I don't even know, I'm just going to throw a reaction at you that's going to be so far out there. You're just

going to keep fucking walking. There's a guy at the old, at the old Y, the Y, the Y, the Y, in Sunset. In Hollywood? That's an old guy. He's 94. This guy can't wait to tell you he's 94 and what he eats for breakfast. And how his wife died four years ago.

God bless his soul. And next thing you know, you're 30 minutes into this earbeat. Yeah. He's been there since six. Try to do one set of lap machine. But he's just ruining people's workouts. This is his social calendar. He's a sweetheart of a guy.

I'm not saying nothing bad about this guy. I don't even know what his name is. I'm not making up a carri-fit. There's really a guy at the Hollywood Y That's got to be 94-95 And in the middle of your work And he'll come up to you to take his shirt off And flex for you and everything

With his little wings and shit The fat hanging off his biceps Guy looks amazing If I look like him at 95 God bless him But once he tells you the story one time Like the first time you're humor him But every time you're about to put your glove on

Right when you put the one thing on The one ear And you're about to put the other one on he would start another 15-minute story. I've been here since 1954. Did I tell you about that? I built the extension here with my heart. He'll just go.

Go. And next thing, you know, you're 35 minutes in. You didn't do your workout. Yeah. You didn't do your fucking workout. You know, now you're behind the eight balls, or you stay and do your workout, or you're taking an ear beating from your wife or girlfriend

because dinner was going to be made at 7. Now it's 7 fucking 45. It's amazing. That's why when I go to a I don't know nothing I don't know nothing Excuse me do you know the yoga classes And your mother's ass called I don't know nothing

Don't even ask me This ain't no social activity This is work You want to talk, fuck And get on a chat room Yeah, right The fuck, Lee Syatt You ready for another arm?

Nothing, you're ready for another arm Look at you, you ain't even that high Lee I'm pretty high This is nothing These are 10 milligrams That's not true Look at read the box These are a baby ones

This is all baby one These are the baby once. Well, you give me the red one. Maybe the red one is bigger. No, no, no, not. The red one is weaker. I'll give you a little piece of the green one just to get the party started. So we're at the South Point.

Can't wait. You know, it's funny because I'm not a big Vegas guy. The last seven years, I've probably done Vegas Rogan just because it makes my life easier. I don't really want to stay in Vegas for four fucking days. I don't know. Get stabbed with a fucking sword. It's just a earthquake again. I used to do all those.

rooms in Vegas, all of them. That, what's the one? Excalibur? That's what Cancer Rising Star was. I did the Riviera. That's a fucking nightmare. That's a fucking nightmare, brother. The Riviera, when you walk in there,

it's 1969, 70. It even smells like 1970. When you walk in the rooms, you can still smell high karate. Like old cologna. shit. It's fucking crazy. It really is fucking crazy. And then you get on stairs.

They used to have a midnight dirty show. And you can tell these people don't know anything about what dirty comedy is. You don't think they're no dirty is their life. You could see them sitting there like with the oxygen sucked up. And you're telling them jokes and they're thinking

about how they're going to pay their mortgage and how they're going to get another thousand to come back to Vegas and win back to $20,000 they lost. You could tell us. You're telling them jokes. So sad. If you've ever been there, if your face has ever been there,

you could tell where the fuck they've been. Just by, when you're telling them jokes, you're like, they're numb. They're fucking numb. Wow. So I'm happy. South Point Casino is not on this strip. And what they do is they've made it very hip. They do a dirty show on Friday night.

And all the comics from all the clubs. So any comedian that's at any club will be there at 1230 because they serve like dollar drinks or something like that. Steve's a nice show is at 7.30. Okay. Friday night. It's early. We're out there by 9.

That's great. There's a movie theater at the hotel. We go to the movies. I would love that. I heard they got a great fucking buffet. Somebody told me they got a seafood buffet. Oh, I'm in for that. So, listen, man, like I said, I'm not a big Vegas guy.

I know we can't get high in Vegas, right? Yeah, I think they're pretty good. They don't like that. They don't like that, but we'll fucking eat edibles. How's that? Let's get fucked up. If you're not doing shit, let's get fucked up. Let's go to Vegas and walk around.

Oh, you kid. You go to strip clubs and shit, when you go to Vegas, leave some of them? You stay in your room? Yeah. I don't go to the strip club. I do nothing in Vegas. I crank up the air conditioning. I watch cable, and I eat.

I went to a strip club one time when I used to be with the gambling guys. And I would come in for two days and always go to a strip club. And I told you, I would go to the strip club with these guys. And every time I'd chick bend over at fart. That's how mature I was. Every time a chick would bend over, I'd make like a noise like, whi-o!

I'd make like a fucked-up noise. And the chick would come over to me and ask me how old I was. And I'd get the fuck out of it. That's how immature I was. This had to be 20 years ago. 92, 93. It's hysterical. Every time she'd bend over, there was a good song on,

I'd do it. Woo! And she would look at me like, you're fucking an idiot, you know that? When you bend over, if you make that noise, they go fucking bananas. I don't give a fucking lady. What are you going to fucking buy it?

It's Monday. It's July 14. How are you going to fucking lay judgment on me, bitch? Be a fucking American. There's Mexican kids in a bus on a border town right now, waiting to sneak in this motherfucker. It's waiting to sling some dick.

Can you imagine them entirely on those buses? You come into the United States, you're like, I'm 14 years old. I can't wait to get a white chick. I'm going to fuck her in the eyeball and make my mother proud. I'm going to sneak over this border. I'm going to start impregnating white bitches. That's all those little Mexican cocksuckers from Honduras. That's all they're thinking about those little cocktucket on the bus.

Those Mexican cocksuckers from Honduras. Whatever the fuck they are. They're on that bus. They're going to come in here and get some fat white chick with blonde hair and big feet. with fucked up nail polish on their toes when they're having nail polish their toes are weeks and it falls off but the cum on the toes holds on to that last

lack of fucking son wait till those Mexican kids are on that bus rubbing their hands right now going we can't wait to get up there and get some fucking dumb white chicks and pregnant it's all over there'll be brown kids running all over the fucking streets of Marietta

Marietta where the fuck they're going No, this is a crisis. Well, he says what they call it. Obama's looking for billions from Capitol Hill. They don't want to give the money for Mexican kids. It's over, cock suckers. Get your kids.

You better hug them because these Mexican kids, they ain't fucking around, these Spanish kids. If you think your kids were getting bit slapped before and bullied and called little faggots, give them two years, because these Mexican kids are hungry. They don't know nothing about oatmeal. These kids don't know nothing until 6 o'clock. They don't know nothing about oatmeal.

They don't know nothing about oatmeal. They don't know nothing about oatmeal. and hugs and shit. We love you, and here's a fucking nature bar for fucking lunchtime, and here's a cell phone. These motherfuckers are still communicating with a knife. You understand? They're just shoving your fucking heart,

and it's a conduit. That's all they're doing. What the fuck do they know? They walk through a desert, don't they? Half of them are walking through a fucking desert, and you mean why, your kids got water in a fucking knapsack? I'm going to my friends to play video games. Wait till these kids take these video games

and shove them up your kids fucking asses, these little faggots that we're creating. There's a wake-up call for America. Your kids are getting bullied and that. Wait till they start getting bit slapped now. Because what they're going to do is they're going to take these kids. Some church of what's happening now is going to pick these little fuckers up.

After six months, they're going to unleash them on society. You take a fucking kid you. What do they got to do it? That's the same thing they're doing with the Cubans. Cubans came in 79. Mario Leto's. Those motherfuckers. Those motherfuckers were crazy. They gave all the jails. The United States were like, we'll take them. Really? The Catholic youth ministrations, we'll take them. But I was like, really? Wait, do you see what I... Wait, do you got a load of me? Wait, do you got to load of what I'm fucking sending you? I'm sending you fucking drips and drabs. People wouldn't even think twice about taking your fucking life. I've had them to sell for eight years with no clothes on. They've got a shit in the middle of the fucking floor, and you've got to make it to the hole. You gotta make it to the hole every fucking day and shit in the middle. You think they're worried about fucking stabbing their neck

in some fucking mall in America because they got a black security guard that's fat and has got like a bicycle to chase you with? Those Cuban kids will eat those security guards for fucking lunch. And that was 1979. Wait do you see what these new little Mexican fucking spicks have coming up? Wait do you see with these little fucking savages? Because that's what they are, the little apocalyptic that nobody knows about.

This is apocalyptic. You know, Mel Gibson, apocalyptic, remember, that were stabbing each other. You never saw that? I never saw that. It's Mexicans 3D. That's what Apocalyptic's 3D. It was not Mexicans 3D.

It was Mexicans shrunken down to 3'8, and they don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck. It's just a nation of apocalypticos. It's like, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm fucking so high right now. It doesn't matter. Anyway, my point being that these kids aren't quiet boys.

These kids didn't just sit there. There's more to this fucking story. And some Americans are pissed off. Me, bro, let them in. What are you going to do? We're going to let them in anyway. You're going to jump up and down. You've got more bigger fucking problems.

Who's going to pay your credit card bills this year? Right or wrong? You worry about some kids at the border jumping up and down? Who the fuck is going to pay for your kids' braces? Who's going to pay for a vacation? You know, you're six months away from sitting across on the table with your family, eating fucking turkey telling lies, right? You're six months away from fucking...

It's already fucking July, bitch. In six months, you'll be giving them. even fucking poor a Christmas present, telling her and the mother how you love them, how they change your life with Mexican food, this fucking guy. Anyway, these kids ain't fucking around. They're at some border right now thinking how they're going to come up here, and they're going to get a job in America's beautiful. They're thinking about how they're going to fuck some shit up.

Half of them are 13 motherfuckers. They're not fucking around, guys, so I hope that you know what we're getting involved in here. Know the animal you're dealing with. Pretty soon you're going to have 13 kids living at your house, Lee. No. Because her cousins are coming. Those are Paula's cousins that are coming. You know that, right?

A cousin's going to show up any day and call you Primo and hug you. Next, you know, he'll be driving your car, wearing your fucking green little sweater, living on your couch. Next, you know, you'll be sleeping on your floor, and he'll be fucking bitches on your bed. How are you going to act then? That'll be terrible. And he'll be 16. What are you going to do then?

16, slinging more dick than you at 20-fucking seven. Get together, Lee. That's what I'm saying to you. Eat this fucking edible. That's it. We're going deep. Let's eat some more fucking edibles. What else, Lee?

What else is going on in your world? Cogstock over there? I'm going to go see Fluffy's movie premiere tomorrow night. Come on. Yeah. I think it's like 7 o'clock or something. Where at? Where at?

Down on Long Beach. Yeah. At his house? He's doing it at his local movie theater, I think. Really? Yeah. I can't wait. Good for Fluffy.

And the movie gets released next Friday. Yeah, the 25th. You know, man. It couldn't happen to a nicer guy. He's the best, right? And normally tears on him else. This isn't a guy that has been sitting on his fucking laurels. He is promoting this shit out of this movie.

This guy is just flying into cities, popping up with a bag of M&Ms and a big dick. He don't give a fuck and a bag of tacos. He's got little Mexican blind kids chasing him. Touch me. Touch me. Right or wrong. You think I'm fucking with you. When you know Fluffy, seriously.

And in the world of comedians, man, there's nobody I think deserves it more there's nobody who's helped more comedians I think there's nobody

who's paid more people's rent that's true than Fluffy and I wish him the best I mean listen guys I always know

you know I talk to him through Martine yeah Martin's awesome and the regular person would get mad I don't get mad

because no matter What I asked Martin about Fluffy, he always gets back to me. I did not ask Fluffy to be on my podcast. I swear to my mother's grave at all. Me and Martin talk once a week about this or that. And one day he called out of the blue and he goes, hey man, what are you guys doing this week? Fluffy would love to do your podcast.

And my heart hit my fucking knees because I know that he was doing, you know, I heard he fucking killed on Jimmy Fallon on that. Really? That's what I heard too. Yeah. He'll have it on Chelsea. I mean, he's been on every media circuit trying to promote this movie. Yeah.

And we also had the pleasure of having him in here. He didn't judge us. He didn't. So if you listen to this podcast, I want you to do me a personal favor. You know, I ask you guys for a lot of things. Please go see this movie. Please go see this movie for The Struggle. Because if you support this guy, whatever they charge you $12,

dollars, that's an investment in you for your fucking struggle. I'm telling you, this is how the struggle starts. You might only have $20 on Friday, and it's going to last you the weekend. Invest that $12 and Fluffy. This show is here because of Fluffy. Because Fluffy gave me a bloggy, and I did not want to make this bloggy go to waste. People kept giving me cameras, and I kept throwing them in drawers. And Fluffy's energy, just give me that bloggy.

I said, I have to do something. And two days later, fucko called me on Facebook. And next thing you know, we had a family and a team. It's amazing. And that's what I'm talking about energy. If you want to be a comedian, a writer, a painter, if you want to become a fag artist and go to Starbucks and lie to people, whatever your journey wants to be start with this movie.

Because this guy paid his dues. Like I said, I remember being on a Southwest flight with him. A sleep on Debbie Gutierrez's tits. Me on one tit and him on the other. after a long night of fucking drinking. This is 17 years ago. Wow. He was basically a kid.

He was basically a fucking kid. He adjusted. He became a man in front of our eyes. So I'm very proud of Fluffy. I'm very proud of what he's done. I'm proud of this movie from. Yeah, me too. I can't wait.

You're going, cocksucker? Fuck yeah. You take him paula? Yeah, and then he's going to be in L.A. like around Christmas time. So I want to go to that. We're going to get your tickets because that's how you wrote. Oh, shit.

I love you. Look at you, and making it happen. Yeah, I'm trying. You got some sun. Yeah. So what's your goal? How many pounds are you going to lose?

I'd like to lose 100, but it was funny. When you were talking about being a headliner, but not being a headliner, our buddy Augustino did a funny joke last time I saw him about how when you lose a little bit of weight, you feel like you've lost all of it. So I got lost 15. I'm like, oh, why don't people think? So I'm like, oh, because I got fucking 80 more ago. but it's been going good so far.

With the shape, I'm going to do with this fucking hobo. He's the past. I'm going to do with this fucking guy. He's in love. He's been with her for a year. He's getting, you know,

you never got a constant little monkey for a year straight before, did you? No, no. It's the first time in your 26 fucking year extension. You've been getting that little monkey a year straight. You were fucking around here and that. Yeah. Ashley still called you.

She texted me last year. What did you tell that dirty? bitch take your magic elsewhere with that little take your magic elsewhere take that fucking dirty pussy and go take it elsewhere when you had your chance to give it to me you play games now you want to text

me fuck you is that what you're telling yeah pretty much she still have a boyfriend yeah and she won't let you know you gotta just next time she text you just bluntly say come down and suck my dick and take your chance see what happens it's not you're saying it to it you're texting

it is no you're texting it to her so she'll never really know. She'll call you back days later and go, Lee, yeah, dad called you and I got a text with you to suck my dick. What was that about? And you're going to go, what are you talking about? Oh, Joey got my phone. Oh, fucking Joey, that fucking dummy.

But if not, you should just see what happened. I see if she'll go, I've been waiting all my life to suck that little fucking Jew helmet. I want to get some fucking... They'll be amazing if that was the answer to people again. I'll say, come down and suck my... dick for breakfast for breakfast Jesus is serving nuts go ahead Lee what the fuck no just go for a call Lee just for us text though Lee just text it come down and

suck my dick Jesus is serving hot syrup and pancakes good fuck it what the fuck here anyway here's what we're doing right now it's Monday July 14th Lee's all fucked up again he doesn't want a text this girl by mistake it's a mixed That's what you got to put. Just right now, out of the blue. It's 8 o'clock in the morning. She's expecting a text that says it's a beautiful day to be alive.

Jesus loves you. You hit it right between the eyes, come over and suck my dick. And watch what she'll say. Let's just go ahead. That sounds like a terrible idea. No, it's a great idea. Because she's either going to text you back

and go, fuck you, or what are you talking about? And even then, you're going to make believe. You don't know. You're going to make believe. You're not going to hit it right back. because you're going to make you you're asleep it what are you talking about why did I get this text message from you because you text messages me to come over and suck your dick and make it more dirty come over to suck my dick like my assholes squeeze

lemon juice in my asshole you know what the fuck don't you have a gem of lemon juice in the asses tremendous little paper cutting some lemon oh that's the worst it's Monday They bought it. Why do you come up with that stuff? I don't come up with nowhere. These are things I've done over the fucking years, you know. You got to do this type of shit. A paper cut on them.

Sure, why not? What do you want to do? You want to show up them what? Just finger bang them to death and love him? What the fuck? You want to go a little crazy from time to time. Anyway, audit. Audit is not just a supplement company.

They're a fucking make you a lot better of a human being company. That's what they do. From Alpha Brain to Shroom Tech, to strong bone everything they have to offer is superb fucking ingredients they believe in their product so much as far as Alpha Brand is conserved

that the first time you order if you're not happy with it they'll give you 100% money back guarantee you do not even have to return the product you could do the whole fucking month supply and then say you know what I don't fucking like this shit nothing fucking happened

give me my fucking money back and bang you got a cut check right to your fucking house a week later go to honor dot com Read about their products. Read about what they got. Read about what their fucking mission is. Guaranteed that your dick will get hard. Start small. Go with Shroom Tech. Whether you're a runner, a walker, you go to ballet, you suck dick marathons, whatever the fuck you do. You want energy. You want more endurance. Those fucking mushrooms are given to you. Try Shrooms Tech sport. Try small. Take two fucking an hour before you work out and get back to me. I'm not saying you're going to be jumping up and down throwing kicks and flying through a fucking walk.

I'm just saying when you walk out of you're going to go, wow, I did that for eight more minutes tonight. Wow, I did that for 10 more minutes tonight. And in my book, that's what fucking matters because by pushing you get more for your bang. Go to honor.com. Go to joeydeers.com. Look at the tour schedule. Look at patches. Look at the t-shirts.

Forget all that shit. Go to the honor box on my page and press. Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. get 10% off, plus you're on the list, plus they got stay on the program, which you don't have to fucking reorder every month.

You just give me your credit card and bang! On the first, they like the government with the welfare check. You got your check like a Puerto Rican. Fucking Tuesday, you're all alpha-brained out, snoring alpha brains, hanging out with your friends. Number two, Huluplus.com.

You can watch current shows, scandal, the daily show, modern family, all your fucking favorites. And I'm talking about episodes that are fucking madder. If you got a streaming device, boom, you can watch this.

A phone, a Roku, a TV, a fucking iPad, whatever the fuck you got that streaming, Huluplus.com or make it come through for you. You understand me? I'm a little stone this morning. I'm sorry, I'm slow with the fucking study

this morning, and Lee ain't helped me out. Whether you got an Apple TV, an Xbox, a PlayStation, Hulu Plus works on fucking everything. Go to Huluplus.com. See what shows they have available. I would love to sit here and tell you I watch Hulu Plus all the time but I don't. You know who does? My wife. She gets the most out of fucking money. $7.99 a month. What? $7.99 a month? What? 799 a month? Plus I give

you two weeks for free, Cucksucker. On the arm. That's how we roll here on the church of what's happening now. Two weeks, gratis. Who gives you that? Who tells you come eat donuts for two weeks And then we'll give you a fucking a donut every day Nobody that's how much we know You're gonna fall in love with Hulu fucking plus Go to Huluplus.com right now Or go to the box on my web page and press

Joey Joey J-O-E-Y And get your fucking two weeks off for free Boom two weeks free Boom two weeks You can sit there smoke a bazooka Get a feather tickle your asshole And binge watch as many episodes as you're watching And after that, if you don't like Hulu Plus, get back to me.

I guarantee you're going to have a good time. Also, again, this is the one I'm sick of. Dollar Shave Club. Why are we having this conversation? Why are we having this conversation? You want to look sharp. You want to get your dicks up. Your hair's got to be nice.

You're shaved, tuck. You see these fucking morons? They got got got teased, their eyebrows, they got wax on their head. You don't need that shit. You know what you need? Dollar Shave Club. It's shaves your nuts sack, your asshole, your face. they got the fucking handy wipes what do you call

the one wipe charlie's that smell like peppment you know it's hot out it's humid you don't want to take a shower but you want your balls to smell fresh right before you're going to the bar you're taking one wipe charlie out and you wipe each nut you know what you're in there you know what that makes you feel like confidence how are you going to talk to a woman if your ball smell like ass how you're going to talk to a woman if she can't gargle on your fucking nut helmet

why would you talk to a woman and what you're your fucking time. Your dick smell is. You got to go home and go to the bathroom. Make believe you got to feed the cat. Fuck all that shit. Dollar Shaveclub.com. That's the way to go.

From razors, listen. They send you four cartridges a month. Two blades or single blades. If you do $9 a month, they sing you the yellow strip. If you do $6 a month, they sing you're two blades. If you do $1 a month, they're seeing you

the single blade. It's still a high quality fucking razor. Plus, you get the one wipe charlie's let me get some water here i'm dying a fucking, you see I'm dying of fucking next you know I'm gonna see fucking flies I think we're out of that's up we're out of water What the fuck Lee?

You're slipping cucks out of I got I got some more waters to let besides you been eating ass all weekend next see you know I'm spitting the seeds. Anyway Dollar Shaveclub.com for all your fucking shaving needs if you want to look good, smell good and just be good. Also

my favorite motherfucker is Jeremy at escapodtank.com listen, go look at the just-the-tank model. You get $150 off. If you mention us, you get $250 off, but the beauty about fucking escape pod tank deprivation tax is financing is available.

You know how good that is? You know how good that is? You can pay $10, $20, $30 a month and you can float, you can smoke weed, you can throw a chick down there, lock her in there, and just keep her until you decide what you want to do with the motherfucker. Sometimes you've got to stab them.

Sometimes you've got to let it bleed out. Whatever fuck you want to do. Escapepot tank.com. Right now, tremendous numbers. Go to escapotank.com. Look at their tanks, whether you want it for industrial, residential. See what's cracking.

Maybe you want to have one in your garage. Call Jeremy an 800 number. It'll simplify it for you. Simple rates. You get 250 yards just from mentioning the church. All right. Who's better than us? That's how you do a fucking advertising right there.

Because I want you people to fucking connect. What is it, Lee? Were you ready for the next batch of Gumi Bears Or you're done for the day Oh gosh You ready? What do you want? I hope I'm done for the day You want the arm

You want the head What do you want? No, I'm good No, you got to eat something Before we will sit here Until 6 o'clock tonight Until we eat something Today we're going deep

Steve Simone's here I'm gonna go deep I'm gonna do what You got nothing going on The rest of the day Look at the shape Not now Not now, that's right

Not now So and not never You have nothing going on until Tuesday at 10 in the morning. What do you want to eat? You want the leg? You want the arm? You want the wing?

Surprise me. No, I'm not going to do that to you. I love you too much. It's my good. I want you to fucking stick to the exercise program. So what else is next with my man, Steve Simone, no baloney on Monday. I'm trying to get you guys pumped up today.

I don't want no fucking drama. You understand me? Either you're going to be a headliner in life or you're going to be a fucking punk. What do you want to do? I'm going to headline. That's right. What do you want to do, Cox?

You want to be headlines. You got to put your time in. You're going to cut your toenails. You've got to wash your nuts. You got to look sharp. Your shoes got to be fucking shined. You got to have a sense of humor. You got to go up there.

Ha, ha, ha. I don't want you to be a fag and be somebody you're not. I want you to be you. It's Monday, July 14. You know what I'm saying, Steve? It's a great day to be alive. Sorry to interrupt you, brother. What's happening?

Best. No, we've got the CD coming out. We're going to Vegas with you. I'm finally going to Toronto. I've got new episodes of Good Times coming out. Everything's coming together. I'm almost done with me. my script.

How many fucking times do you release that a month? One, every Sunday night. So once a week. That's good. They get it Sunday night, Monday morning, they wake up, boom. Yep, there it is. There you are and shit like that. You're a good dude, man.

I know you're a long fucking time. It's amazing that a lot of the people that are coming in here from him, Brenner, even Lee. You know, you've been with the girl now for a year. I'm watching you grow up in front of me. It's amazing to, think that you're stuck and then you see the people around you, whether it's Gabriel.

You know, I've been out here for 17, 18 years, so I've watched these guys come out here, you know, bushy-eyed and scared the same way I felt, you know. And he'll tell you that I, I don't know. Were you ever scared, Steve? And you've been scared a lot since you've been here? Out here? Yeah, I was scared in the sense where I thought I was wasting my life.

You know, like, oh, what am I doing? And what do you do to justify that? feeling? Well, for me, everything comes back to my faith. That's it. And then I would just see if this was God's will. And if it is, then he's going to get me through it. And if not, something better's out there.

So I would just, you know, try to connect with God and see if this is what he wants. You go to church yesterday? Yeah. How many times? I went to confession on Saturday and Mass on Sunday morning. Do you tell him you hung out with this fucking Christ? I pray for everybody. You pray for him.

You say he's Jewish God, but he cut him a fucking, you know what I'm saying? He's from the other side, God, but cut him something. He ain't from the other other side. Fuck those talibats. He's a good guy. He's Jewish. Fuck those talibans. Fuck those talibas.

The Jews are all right. You know what I'm saying? He's all right. He's got a couple dollars. We're heading under his mattress. That's it. We're going to get the fuck out of you. I'm happy you showed up this morning.

I'm happy you asked. Now you're going to go work a little bit. Yep. And then I'm going into Vegas on Thursday. You'll be in there on Friday. Yep. I'm going to do MMA junkie on Friday. Oh, cool.

I'm going to listen TV on Friday. Oh, that's great. Yeah, you know how we do it, though. You got to keep fucking moving. Yep. That's what these people at home and people who listen to the podcast, that's the big secret right there. Nobody fucking tells you about it.

You got to keep moving. You got to keep believing. Yep. On every fucking level, it's a fuck. You know, man, I was telling Lee and Ralphie last week that. Ralphie Mae? Ralphie May? I love that, dude. And I was telling Lee going to one day, you know,

I was torturing Lee about how much, you know, that Lee doesn't do much at 25, you know? And I left here and I was like, Lee has it more together at 25 than I even, not right now. Yeah, I was just going to say. Right now, let me stick a plunger up his ass right now. But I'm talking about as a human being,

I mean, you know how many times at 40 I would already have called Lee to cancel this podcast? because I was coked up for the night before. You know how many times I would believe what I'd already been in here 10 times and I would have showed up or called you by 6.30, you would have known I wasn't showing up.

At the age of 40. At 25, you couldn't depend on me. I get pissed that people didn't help me at the age of 25, like a lot of people didn't help me. Why would you want to help me? I wasn't going to show up. All I did was 20 bucks in my pocket and a piece of pussy in your world

did not mean anything to me. and that's not a way to live. You know, that was no way for me to live. It was a human being. You've never had that problem at 25. Neither is DiAgostino. That's what I was saying. It's a great kid too.

These guys, you're halfway there when you're 25. And I know you must sit there a lot of times. Like, I'm doing a fucking podcast. What's this going to equate to? And then I called you the other day and told you that I did a podcast somewhere else and how good of a job you were doing. You have this. You have to put this on paper now on a resume and tell people.

there's a way to do a podcast and there's a way to do a podcast if you want to do it that way be my guess I'm going to save you four years I'm saving you four fucking years you're wasting your time doing segments

you're wasting your time editing it you're wasting your time adding music to it these people want the full patois but people won't know that until they fail like we did like we found out how you're going to fucking release a podcast Friday night at 6 o'clock

at night. By that time, your mind is dead. Yeah. People want to hear you when they're fresh. People, you know, there's so many levels of this. We don't actually think that we're doing something with our lives. But as long as we keep doing what we're doing, we're getting better of what we're doing. It doesn't fucking matter. Experience always adds up. So keep that in mind. I was telling Lee how much more together he had it. How much more, you know, like just at 25 it was about to go to prison.

I didn't have what Lee had. I wouldn't have gone to prison if I had what Lee had. You know, I had believed a different type of society, you know. So it's just really good to be here with you fucking young cuck suckers. If you're at home, man, and you're sitting there confused, you know, I answer fucking 60 emails lately. And yesterday, and 30 of them were about drugs and 20 of them were about confusion. Confusion, being scared. A 16-year-old kid.

Yeah. Fucking 16-year-old kid. He's going to college. His mother, he wants to be in a band. We're all fucking confused, and we all know the answer. You want to be in a band? Tell your fucking mom.

You want to be in a fucking band, and you'll go to college part-time until you figure out what you're going to do. You can't tell your mom no, but you can work a fucking compromise. You know, emails like that. So I love when I get emails like that, and I love the emails about addiction, all that stuff.

We'll be back Wednesday. I'm doing the fight companion. Wednesday and I were Rogan, so I don't even know if we're doing a church on Wednesday. We might just do one Thursday morning before I fucking leave for Vegas And that's basically your cocksuckers I love you guys

I want to thank Onit I want to thank Huluplus.com I want to thank Dollar Shave Club And Escape Pot Tank for making it happen for us They got a tremendous product Go fucking check them out and give them a chance And see what they're about I want to thank my main brother

Steve Bougaloo Samone One of the baddest fucking guineas out here Slingin dick taking names no drama. He's not part of the funny Italians organization or the bad fucking Italian tour. Oh God. You know, the oregano comedy tour. He's slinging dick on his own tour. And that's why I love this motherfucker. And to my main man, Lee Syatt with his fucking green shirt today, look on him. Stone to the fucking gazelles. But most of you guys, forgive him us a chance. I know today's podcast is a little fucked up, but hey, it's fucking Monday, cock sucker.

We're here. The Mexicans are out there. You hear this guy? Right now, he's on the phone with a fucking little Mexican dude in Honduras. And they're getting 20 more fucking these loan blowers and these motherfuckers. In one month, you're going to hear loan blowers as a symphony. You understand? Give me some music, cuck, sucker.

Let's end this podcast. I love you guys. Stay black. Have a great day. Thank you. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of its shows. Anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet.

Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com or go to JoeyDiaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for Dollar Shave Club.com. Get a high-quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshave club.com slash church or just go to Joey Dias.net and click on the dollar Shave club banner. Go to honor.com and use code word church to get 10% off. and go to escape podtank.net

and get $2.50 off of a sensory deprivation tanks when you mention Joey Diaz. I'm a straight product.