The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #197 - Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 21, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Ari Shaffir to talk about his new Comedy Central Show: This is Not Happening Presents: This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 07/21/2014.

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Just when you thought it was motherfucking safe, Monday creeps back up on you. And that means it's a whole new week, all new set of priorities. Guess what? Everybody could suck your dick, because we're making it happen this week. Fuck the Russians. Fuck the Jews. Fuck Chino XL.

Fuck everybody. It's all about you, motherfucker. It's the fucking church. July 21st, 2014. The day the devil was told to get the fuck out of the Russian. motherfucker with your fucking fucked up red suit on. He's what? Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Are you kidding me or what? Get your shit together. Wake up. Paint your toes. Scrub your pussy.

Wash your assholes. Paint your fucking tone. I don't give a fuck. What you got to do? It's fucking Monday, cock-suckers. The world is ready for you. And they ain't giving out no fucking free tickets. What the fuck, Lee?

What's happened? Nothing. I'm getting all fucking excited here. It's Monday, July 21st. It's a beautiful motherfucking day to be alive. Coxuckers. What's happening, brother? There's the birthday boy.

Oh, yeah. I had a great day yesterday. It's weird. Went to Vegas. We had a nice fucking week. Had a great week. Right after your show, they had like some sort of cover band or something. Right.

Playing all those songs. And now every time I listen to music, I'm like, and Steve Simon and I were talking about it, I wish I could play any kind of instrument. I just, why don't you fucking go. I did. I took a guitar lesson. My fingers is short. Go today.

My fingers are too short for guitar. I don't think my brain's fast enough for drums. You play the skin flute? Every night. All right, good. You can play the fucking drums. I sing your move your little fucking hands. Look at you.

Yeah, it'd be cool. I don't know. You should learn something. You're a young guy. It'd be great. It would be a lot of fun. I didn't do shit with my life. You know what I'm saying?

He did something with your life. I always wanted to play an instrument, too. I never had the balls. I went down and I played the bass in the fourth grade of some shit for a year. Base would be funny. I tried violin and I tried guitar. Jews like the violins.

They like the violence. Oh, yeah, she would have loved it. I probably could have gone with it, but I was doing it in first grade, and I hated it. My friend, Jessica, I want to tell me with the book, she plays the violin. Really? Yeah, you know Jessica.

Oh, yeah, no, yeah, of course. She plays the violin. That's a badass bitch. What's the fuck? I had a great with you. 26, that's all you got for me, the fucking violin, cuck sucker? How about I hit you in the head with that fucking thing 10 times a fuck about a violin?

It's Monday, Cucksucker. Sharpen your dicks. Somebody's got your fucking. You got your fucking lunch box. Somebody's got your lunch money in their fucking pocket. And you're walking on hi. Did you see Louis last week? Get the fuck out of here.

Get the guy. It's fucking your week. We had a good time. Vegas was very nice. You forget how much fun you have in Vegas. And you don't need much. You know, like you don't need... I just realized how much I didn't like the strip.

Really? Oh, it's like Times Square and I hate Times Square. Yeah, I fucking hate. Listen, I want to thank the South Point Casino. I want to thank Ralphie Mae for turning me on to them. introducing me to Mike, the general manager. I went there about a year ago and did the dirty at 1230, and it was great, and he told me he'd bring me back for a weekend, and he brought me back for one night, and there was a sold-out show.

Thank you for everybody who came out from the Vegas area. I love you, motherfuckers. You know, it was great. We flew in, Lee drove in. You know, I met Steve. I did an M. Mae Junkie. I got to hang out with George. I got to hang out with my friend Mario Arias from the sixth grade.

I did some TV show, Channel 13. We ate nice. You know, I had some nice fucking eggs. Yeah. A nice piece of salmon. And then after the fucking show, the gentleman was like, take you, wherever you guys want, sushi, steaks, bar. And Lee and the other guy, like, man, let's go to steak and shake.

Yeah. It wasn't fucking bad. The shake was delicious. Well, let's just be fair. I was probably top ten high of me being high. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

I was like, well, I can still talk, but I was... Anti-Dolores, don't fuck around. No. And I just had the first. frosting on the like half a cupcake. That 500 milligram brownie, anti-dolars, don't fuck around. Because we drank that milkshake.

I went upstairs. I didn't even drink water before I went to bed. I usually drink from, I fucking passed out. So you think you were fucking high. I was three sheets to the winter. I know you were. I was stoned to the gigg-g-g-g-g-gill. But they came up to me. They're like, where do you want to go to eat?

I'm like, I have no idea. And I thought you were going to go to bed. And then we finally decided on that, and that milk was amazing. It was amazing. It was a really good time. I had a night, Saturday. I left Vegas at 7.20 in the morning.

Who leaves Vegas at 7.20? I had to be at the fucking 6. And there's my man right there. I'm just trying to wake you up, cuck, sucker. We'll be waiting for you a little while. Love you. And something happened really weird on Saturday. I got to talk to you guys about it really fucked up me all day.

First of all, I want to give my condolences to the Hashway family. One of my buddies, Gary Hashway, died. I know. Yeah, he died. He was like 58, and he was sick. You know, I have a lot of, I've seen a lot of American short tragedies, you know. And one of the biggest tragedies in my lifetime was where I've seen at Hashways.

You know, that family, I've been eating at Hashways since 1975. They're one of the best top five delis I've ever been in my life. The roast beef. With Swiss on rye with mayonnaise, salt pepper. Yeah. Oh, my fucking God. A little piece of tomato. Oh, my fucking God.

You know, she used to make the, she used to make the fucking rolls. The turkey fresh. Oh, the turkey, okay. Every day. The turkey, the rose beef, everything fresh. Yeah, you said it was basically your lunch room. Like, you didn't eat at the cafeteria. No, no.

We ate there. And I saw them grow in 84, which is 30. years ago in September the business died. There was a bunch of rumors. The business didn't die. The business burnt down. And we were across the street. We were at the bar across the street and also the fire engine showed up

and they're all fucking, you know, putting water on the ashways and we're sitting there was Glenn Gary, the mother and the father. They got there at 6 in the morning. Let me tell you something. If you went in there in the morning they didn't even make egg sandwiches, they make cream cheese on jelly on a kaiser have you ever had that? No. That puts

29,000 pounds on you. Cream. cheese and jelly on a Kaiser roll with a fucking you you know we were talking the day would leave that one I used to I used to go to North Burger and I was a youngster in the sixth grade for breakfast in the fifth grade I would walk from 22nd Street in New York Avenue in Union City to like 16th Street 17th Street there was old old old old Italian bakery there this is before fucking sixth grade and I would walk in early in the morning I get six I'd walk in there I get a loaf of fucking Italian bread, the hard shit with the flour still on it. And I get

a bag of Zeppelis. And on the way home, I get a stick, a hotel bar brand butter. And I get a 64 ounce Coke. And I go home and eat the whole piece of bread with the whole stick of butter and the whole bag of fucking Zeppelis. That's how much of a fucking savage I was. But then after I got old, I would go to Hashways.

and Hashways, Gary, was the guy who saved me the day my godfather was chasing me with a motorcycle and was going to fucking kill me. And I ran through the thorn bushes. There was a big rose pedal. And I ran through them and had a thousand fucking thorns on me. I was bleeding from everywhere. Oh, no. And I went into Hashways and Mr. Hashway and Gary Hashway who went out there with me and yelled at my godfather, get the fuck out of there. And then so I felt really bad.

So my condolences go to the family. I know they're having like a small memorial. on Wednesday I won't be able to make it I'll be here but but something else happened I woke up so we did the show right and we went out whatever when we went to the room I fell asleep the next morning I got a wake-up call at 5.30 you know I got up at 5 whatever the car was picking me up at 530 I got up at 530 I got up at 5 30 I got up at 5 got ready drinking coffee I was already packed I got the fuck out of that but I went downstairs the car was picking me up at 530 and I knew it was only a 15-minute ride to the

airport. So I went downstairs about 525 and I gave the guy the bag and I go, let me just get a Seattle's coffee just to get the day started. I got a coffee and I was looking over at these tables and I don't know, how many blackjack tables you think that were there? Maybe 10 15. There was three tables of young kids. I mean, if I had a guess anywhere from 21 to about 26, 27, the oldest, you know, there was nine or 10 of them. They all knew each other. They were playing on three different tables. Really? Oh, wow. I'm looking at these guys, and they're laughing.

They're giggling. I looked at all of them individually. They weren't not high on any drug, you know, just by the look on their faces and if they were really creepy. They had alcohol on their hand, but I could tell they weren't really intoxicated too much. Right. They just gave up free drinks here.

They were a group of friends that went out and got drunk and got high, or whatever. They play cards, you know. It's 6 o'clock, and they're... giggling Lee and then do you remember when I called you yeah and when you said to me you're coming home and I go no go take a hundred out and go again well you're 20s go laugh and you giggle and I I love I've done that a bunch of times where you could hopefully I lost a couple hundred just really quickly but they have some good rules there and if you go all like if

you start like 10 or 11 o'clock at night it's very easy to not even be down money and just be playing all night if you're playing like 15 20 hands I love that shit I love and then It's almost like being at a bar where you make friends because everyone's high-fiving, you've got a blackjack, it's a lot of fun. You know, and I'm looking at these by, and you're right, it is a lot of fun. That giggling, and in the middle of all that, man, I said to myself, I've never done that. Really? Never done that. Like, I've never hung out with friends in Vegas and cheered from my friends to gamble and just hung out and giggled like that out.

I'm looking at these guys, and I was getting very envious. I was getting very jealous, not very jealous, but I got a little jealous. It was more on the envious side. But the most important thing I got was hurt. Like, I was very hurt. That's the first time, like, I've been hurt by life. And I've always known it. I just didn't let it hurt me because I've done a lot of things,

but there's a lot of things I haven't done. And the reason why I never did them was because I was too busy doing drugs. The reason why I was never in a casino at 5.30 a.m. with a bunch of guys and three or four girls giggling and clapping and just drinking a genitonic and nursing it and just being yourself was because I could never do that. I always thought that was like fucking craziness.

Like, why would you want to be in Vegas if you wouldn't want to be in some room with two other people, do them blow, hiding from fucking each other, you know? And that's what it all dawned on me. I was like, look at those guys, you know. Giggling, having a good time, they're probably going to go upstairs,

their dick's going to work. They're going to fuck their shit out of those young girls and they're going to go to bed and have a good time. They're going to wake up in the morning, you know, they're going to go eat breakfast and giggle. They're probably talking about Lewis E.K. episode. They're probably talking about the new planet of the apes, you know.

Yeah. Whatever they're talking about, it doesn't matter. I never got to do those things because I was always too busy, upstairs doing drugs. It's fucking sad. The 51, how many times I've been to fucking vaguely? 30 fucking times. Yeah.

And I've never done that. I've never gotten a cigar and sat downstairs and just, you know, and I have. I can't lie to you guys like this time. I go back and Rogan those guys go out and I just walk around Mandalay Bay and play the Black Jacks and I don't know till about one but I mean what those guys

were doing it was genuinely fun from the heart there was no weed involved maybe they smoked a joint but I could tell by their faces nobody was creepy you know when I was younger I always thought I needed blow to bring me happiness like from the age of 21 that was the

worst thing about growing up in that in that whole fucking era you know even like Gary Hashman, those guys. When I met Gary Hashman, we were just decent people. We were just going along the 80s. And all of a sudden, he was fucked up on blow. His brother was fucked up on blow.

I was fucked up on blow. But the whole thing, it was like, and when I was growing up, you needed Blow to have a good time. And then the addiction took over. And it was always blow-induced. Like, I couldn't do anything unless Coke had we going to do in Vegas. We're going to go to Vegas. I would have to hook up to Coke

because I would hang out with you for a little wildly and I would have to disappear at like 1130. when you weren't watching and go and play my fucking freak game. Yeah. It's really sad that I'm 50-something I missed all those years. I missed a lot of just genuine fun from your heart all those years. That's something that, you know, I have regrets. I didn't join the service.

I have regrets. I didn't play college basketball. I couldn't, you know, I didn't have it together. But that regret burned me all fucking day. Really? Yeah, that I wasted, you know, a fucking, In 37 years, just doing blow. Just because I didn't think it was cool and I didn't think I was cool.

Just because whatever pain I was putting out. It's funny that the cards like triggered that. Like I would never ever imagine seeing people playing cards would trigger that with you. Well, it wasn't the trigger. It wasn't the cards. It was the laughter. It was the fun with your friends. It was the whole camaraderie thing that, you know, I sold.

I sold that part of my life to be in a room high, paranoid, you know, fucking boozed up, you know, talking to some chick, I could care less about getting into her pants. And that poor girl, God knows what's going to happen. You know, I never really had genuine fun like that. These kids were having genuine fun from their hearts. They were giggling. They were saying stupid shit to each other. I've never done that, man, you know.

And it's funny, I bet if you ask them, they'd probably want to be up in the room with a girl. I mean, I'm sure they were having fun at that point. But, like, I've gone to Vegas with friends. Like, the night, I stayed up one night for over 24. hours playing and I was with the friends who just wanted to walk around Vegas where I sleep by 11 o'clock like I would be interested to know of all three tables knew each other because I've been on a lot of tables at like 5 a.m. where like you're laughing and you're high five and it's completely total strangers yeah it was just uh it was just amazing that I didn't have a life until I got off

that fucking powder you know and yesterday I answered I think 66 emails it was a quiet week yeah and I had a couple like addiction emails and it just it's just it's just it's just I'm just you know It just, uh... Well, you must have done something, right? Because it's not like you don't have any friends on that period. You still have a lot of friends.

Yeah. That's not, you know, having the friends is not the point. But it's the point that that friend, that laughter wasn't genuine. That good time wasn't genuine. I always needed something. You know, when I was 18, 19,

and we would go, you call me. What are we doing? I don't know. You want to go into the city? Yeah. Did you talk to anybody? Yeah, I talked to Joe Gash. We're going to pick a Quaylood's at 8.

All right. Now, I should make a call. call, let's pick up a pack. You know, it was never just us to just going out. Yeah. My relationships early on were all drug relationships, so nothing was done unless something was there for us. Something was there to snort, something was there to take. And it just sad. It's fucking sad. And, you know, I look at my life now. Look at all the things I did after I got clean. I did so many things. I got a career really on top. I got married. I had a child. I cleaned up all my debt. I got rid of so many little things

that I wanted to do for such a long time, but I couldn't do them until I could get off the drugs. And I get all these email addictions and all this problems addiction. I'm going to tell you something, man. If you're doing drugs today, you're listening to this podcast, you're probably going, Joey, that's because you're a fucking lop.

I do coke and play blackjack all the time and have a good fucking time. You know what? Today, today you're doing that. But you know what? You're going to keep doing blow and somewhere in the line. It's going to get dark on you. Like it did for like it did for everybody else who does it. My point today's podcast,

if you're doing something right now, man, get fucking clean. You know, I'm an old fucking, I tell you this a thousand times. I have regrets in my life and I join the night, you know, service and all this shit. But lately I've been really regretting the drugs, man.

And I would never thought I'd say that to anybody. Like I'm really, and I had a great time with them. I mugged hookers. You know, I fucking shot. Kidnap people. I had a great fucking time. But I really miss the essence.

I miss the essence of what a good time is, what it is to just go out on your own wits and giggle. Have you had a good time like that since you've been off the drugs, do you think? Yeah, I've had a lot of good times. Yeah. Genuinely, you went home and said, wow, you know, that was a good time. A couple weeks ago I took the baby to the park, and I'm going to get in the car going.

I could not. I wouldn't have met those people and wouldn't have been in a good mood to talk to those people if I was still on powder. if I was still addicted to Coke I'd be at this park with her but the underlying theme would be to get her home so I'd go pick up a Coke rock

Wow You know how many times a day do you think about Coke like now? Today? None. None. Well maybe not about doing it but I'm like How your life would have been

Sometimes when I'm driving And I'm gonna light A song will come on Like let's say golden airing The other day came on I thought about a situation When a buddy of mine Got stuck one day

in traffic coming back from the city and that was a song that was on and his cassette and it got stuck and you know what the fuck who has three you know usually you think of that oh I was getting a blowjob behind the church to that in the eighth grade no me and a buddy of mine the car

the cassette broke and that was the cassette that was in the fucking thing you know and I'll shake my head and go everything with me is a fucking drug story you know it's like a one trick fucking pony everything on me but it was such a big part of my life you know and when I tell people I was a junkie and look at you and they expect to see

a junkie, a broken down guy. I was a junkie because emotionally I was done. I needed drugs to fuel my emotions every fucking day because I was in such pain. I didn't know this until recently. I didn't know I was walking around in pain until recently because I can notice the difference

that something, you know, last week I was walking around in physical pain. My knee hurt. My wrist hurt. Somebody threw me on my shoulder. It hurt. Fuck my shoulder hurt from yesterday. Somebody threw me on my shoulder. You know, I'm trying to do a back row. I can't do a fucking backro.

We can just roll backwards. Yeah, I can't do a backro. I can throw my feet up and I follow my toes with my look and I can do it halfway. Yesterday, one of my buddies from John Jock, just kept doing it with me just for me to get the feeling. Man, it does hurt. It's a lot of weight on my shoulder.

But the purpose of this fucking story was just to tell you, man, that in the back of your mind, just like in the back of my addicted mind at the time, I thought I was having a good time. You're really not having a good time, man. and you may be having a good time now, but do me a favor, just get off it now while it's still a good fucking time. You know, I wish I don't, and let me get something straight.

If I would have done Coke until 1980, it would have been great. If I would have gone to prison come out and never did Coke again, it wouldn't have been so bad. That was what really fucked me up, is that I came out of prison and continued to do it for another, you know, 12, 18 fucking years. So you don't wish you didn't stop before a prison? Like, I felt like the year before that.

I should have stopped. I usually, I'm pretty good with all that shit. I get a fucking warning and I stop. Life throws me something and I look at the, it as a message, and I'm fucking done. I'm very good like that. This, I never got a message of. The pain was so much that I never got a message of. And once the pain sit off and I got divorced

and I went through that shit with my daughter, and I just kicked open again. It was like kicking up in a fucking scab. What the scab wasn't even healed. Right. And I picked it that scab again and that's what fucking happened. Do you think if you're truly addicted to like a drug, if you don't hit rock bottom, is it possible to get off of it?

Yes. Do you think so? Yes, because someday you have to, there comes a day that you're going to say, I'm sick of this shit. I'm fucking sick of this shit. Isn't that rock bottom though? Well, rock bottom could be a lot of things. Rock bottom could be you spend all your money, your wife leaves you.

Yeah. You know, rock bottom could also be, you could be a fucking gazillionaire and your wife doesn't know about your problem, but you're living in hell. Okay. I was rock bottom. I wasn't a gazillionaire. I didn't have any fucking money. But my wife knew but didn't know about my situation.

She wasn't my wife at the time. She was my girlfriend. She knew and she didn't know about my situation, you know. I didn't hit rock bottom, but I hit rock bottom physically and emotion. physically I could feel the pain in my spine from the blow. I was starting to get jolt from my central nervous system and my spine up by my neck. And I knew something was going to happen.

I knew that I was going to die or get electrocuted on my own or something. But you know what, man? Like I said, I wish I would have got off the blow August 15th of 1988. As soon as I got sentenced to prison, if I would have been smart enough, it would have sank in. And I let a lot of bad habits go.

but I never let the main bad habit that was fucking me up the most I never let that go and I felt the pain on Saturday that's what I'm trying to fucking say I really felt the pain you know me I don't give a fuck I felt the pain I felt the pain a little bit on Saturday

it bothered me and I thought about it all day and I was kind of down yeah and I just went to the YMC and I got back up I went to the Y I fucking ate a pot cookie they got So Kind cookies now Remember the cookie that you fucking hate? Yeah. Yeah, I know.

I know what you're talking about. Oh, good Lord. So I went to the wheat store. They had one of those. I popped a quarter of those, and I went to the Y. I did the epileptical. I hit the bag for a half hour. I rode the bike for 15 in the beginning and at the end.

I got the fuck out of it. Oh, shit. And then yesterday, I was sitting there. I had to do a podcast at 12 for a friend of mine, Rafi. As far as a who was that, Flapp? He was a comedian. Really funny. guy. I had to do a podcast

so I drove the girls to church and then I picked them up. Okay. And then I said, you know what? I'm going to go to fucking Jiu-Jitsu at 1. The baby fell asleep at like 12.35. I put my fucking knee pads on, put my Gie pants on, I flew over there and it was packed. Really?

The gym's always dead on Sundays. The Jiu-Jitsu gym. Oh, no, I understand that. It was packed. There was probably 18 people over there, ready to roll, but they all had no ghee. But there was three people. with a geese so I got the role with them twice and one guy taught me a couple half-guard passes and a couple half-card fucking sweeps and it was great every like I said man every time I leave Jiu-jitsu it's like somebody gives me a thousand bucks because I

know I overcame like a big fear I have like I take my little baby asked when somebody called yeah pop a man what's up my little brother what's up man I can't fuck him a with your hour? Yeah, you're flying back out to Montreal, my brother? Yeah, I'm going today. I'm on my stork out of show tonight. So you got, you're up there for three weeks. This Ari Shafiel in the line, by the way, for everybody who's wondering.

Oh. Everybody. Minds the business. What was last weekend? The last weekend was the Dirty Show? Last thing is Dirty Show and DePalo and Metzger. Did you say Slayton? Slayton, yeah.

How was he? Yeah, sir. worried about his future. He's really worried. Did you torture him a little bit? Did you torture him a little bit? I started torture him, but he always started. He knows me right now.

He's like, you know, he'll do Com. Like, uh, I try. I was like, you know, a little bit. If now, you're, you know, I'm just a pious. I know now. You're both of them so good. All right, I still, you know what? He tried to friend me on Facebook.

Me and Ralphie was sitting here. Ralphie fucking did the podcast and let the can't. out of the bag on the podcast how I used to torture him and shit and somebody else asked me about it how I used to tell him I put it under his fucking milk container and he'd say where the fuck is it? I don't know it's under your milk

container Jesus Christ my daughter stole it and he the first time I went it was so great when you told him like hey Ari Ari does a lot blow he's got a package coming for him he was friendly with me and he was extra he looked at me all weird

he's like, where you going? I was nothing. I got some friends we're going to meet. Oh, are you going to meet him later? There's a difference, man. Calm down. You get so into it. Oh, he's a great guy, man.

The reason why I want to have Yon today is because I've been in what's called the conundrum the last couple weeks. Because you have, this is not happening now, but it's going from the internet to primetime TV on Comedy Central. Prime Time TV.

11 o'clock at 9.000. Prime fucking time, brother. This is a show that started for five bucks at the fucking improv backroom. On a Tuesday night. You're the first one. At Thursday nights, me, Mark Maron. Remember, we all did that fucking one show over there?

Yeah, yeah, I'll take it those. Steve A.G. Yeah, that's when I told the Pink Floyd thing, but it's so weird that it all started, and now it's on a television, and you called me. I'm going to do one of the episodes in September at the Cheetah. We're going back to the Cheetah. And it's so weird

This writing This writing fucking Process Has just been I don't know Ari This has really changed me Well it's kind of fun to be like Those things

Sometimes I don't even think about those times Until I get a topic And then I start wondering What happened I call my high school friends sometimes I was like Hey did I ever get into it You know

Whatever the topic Is that I would ask Anything happen And I'm remembering And it remind me of stories I'd be like Oh yeah Yeah. Oh, yeah. We thought that toothbrush up our ass. That's right. Whatever it was. It's just fun to relive those days and stuff.

And it's so funny. Like, whenever I do those things, I usually think about it, I make little notes. And then I make calls. I'll try to call people who were around me at that time. And I go, remember that time? And they'll go, yeah. Didn't you fucking, whatever? Like, I called my uncle. Because I wanted to get the whole funeral thing. You know, I called my uncle and we talked like an hour, and he was like, let me tell you something. And all my fucking 74 years, I never saw a crazier funeral than your mother's. And that's what happened. He goes, do you remember the first night? And I go, no. And he goes, you don't remember the first night with Zeraita, how she had the fucking owner by the neck? And three people had to break him apart.

And I go, oh, my God. That's right. It was the opening night. All white people came to that one. that was the all white one like everybody from the neighborhood came their parents the kids from the neighborhood I was never so embarrassed

in my life Harry because because Zerai didn't go off on the afternoon one you know they usually have a two to four viewing then they have you know a four to seven or six to nine

a Cuban wake is 24 hours for five days because that's how I did them in the old country You put the body in your house, and people just came to your house. So this funeral- Like, Chalchescu, like a fucking dictator? Yeah, like in your living room.

In the old days, when you died, there was no funeral parlors. They put you in a casket, and they put you in the living room. And then people came over, and they drank, and they, and whatever they did, they pissed on you, and they went fucking home. No big deal. So they wanted to have, he wanted to have that same Cuban feeling in this Cuban funeral parlor. It's called Rivera Funeral Parlor, still in North Bergen. It's a different. owner though the guy made millions and got the fuck out of it and I'll never forget that the

first day at the funeral man not the two to four one but the seven to nine I'm a young kid I'm still in shock that my mother died I'm having a conversation with some kids about basketball and all of a sudden I'm hearing in Spanish me cowen go to my mother that means fuck your mother I'm gonna kill you and shit and I go on the other room is the right has got the fucking owner by the throat and there's three people and she's pointing at him and she's yelling at him

and I go, what's going on? And she told me that she, my mother didn't have the right dress on. And I remember thinking about that going, who gives a fuck? She's dead. Do you think she's worried about what dress she's, she's fucking dead?

You know, but just, and I know my uncle saying that there was a, they did like some Santa Ria stuff the first day at the funeral. I didn't remember this either. And he goes to the day they buried it. They still hadn't cleaned that water up and that the water

tipped over in the jar on the limousine and at the limousine driver I do remember that pulled over and couldn't drive because the water Because the santaria water filled? Yeah, the santa ria water had like chicken blood in it and all this goat blood and shit that had killed all these

animals and it was in there mixed with feathers and shit and the fucking thing you're supposed to throw it in the hole with it and the thing tipped over and the fucking limo smelt like ass the limo driver had to pull over he couldn't drive he kept puking this was fucking the funeral from

fucking hell people were drinking people were doing blow I remember the first time they ripped out like a bottle of pinch because my mother drank pinch so they ripped out a bottle of pinch which is like a whiskey and the funeral pot was like guys you cannot drink at my

funeral you should be busy here I would lose my license and they just looked at them like you better get back in that fucking room we're going to drink so all these things I got from my uncle. I remembered the one night. That was the night that always stayed with me. But

back to what we're talking about here, it's just amazing, Ari, what you've done with this. Because I don't worry about shit. I usually, when I write a joke, I write a joke, and I put it out there whether they like it or not, it's a joke to me. And just by the sound of it, you know, whether you're going to keep it or not.

You know? Yeah. This is something that we get to put out one time. We really get to practice. Exactly. One time, pretty much, and then you're done. you're done, you get to practice it a little bit, you know, but not really, because people look at you weird, like, we're at a comedy show. Why are you telling me about your dead fucking mother? You can work a lot of comedy, but it gets weird sometimes. Yeah, I tried doing it the other night. People were like, where the fuck are we going with this

shit, Joey? So I'm going to have to have Lee tape me in the fucking here, and we'll send it to you and see what you think. But it's just really weird, all right? Man, it's just I like writing jokes. It's pretty cool, isn't it? It's not enough to play fucking 12 people in the audience? moving to TV With no booze That's right There was no booze in that You couldn't bring booze in

That room The first We didn't get booze next to it The first two or three of them We had no booze And then after that You put a name on it Somebody showed up

And you moved it to the big room And there was no looking back after that Yeah they were getting mad Because the lineups was so good And they were like Why do you have Fucking Joey Diaz and Bill Burr And Jim Jeffries

In the little side room For $5 I'm like I don't know It's a room that gave me. You're going to be book suckers, just because he gave me a small room? I'm going to do that. Yeah. Let me ask you. It was a big room.

Yeah. When you write some of these stories, when you're thinking about some of these stories, like your sex ones, do you fucking get fucked up for a few days? Like, you did these things. Like, I always do. Yeah, sometimes I just know it. I have trouble sometimes with an ending, like, figuring out how to, like, tie it all together. And, like, you know, there's no real, but, you know, there's no real, but, you know, your ending to a story.

I mean, like, even that funeral, it's like it doesn't begin at the funeral. It's like you and your mom were close. You know, it begins way before. So it's at what point you started, what point do you end it? It's pretty cool, like, learning the process. Even if I'm watching other comics, too, you learn a lot.

You know, I've watched all the series. I watched Rogan, I watched Moshekosh. I don't even know some of the fucking names Kamangi. And it's really interesting. interesting. It's really interesting the different styles of storytelling there are also. DJ's completely different than you are. Yeah. But other people, CJ, whoever, jump out. Yeah, it's cool. It's like there's no right way. So people just do it however.

Do you go about it and write it the same way you write jokes? Well, both of you either? Like the same process. When you sit down and write a joke, is it the same way you go and like to write a story? because the point of it isn't to be funny like in a way I don't know if it's a different process Yeah it's less It's like it's like

You know how Annie Hall is a comedy But it's not as many jokes is fucking happy Gilmore Okay You know So it's like it's slower But um Yeah so you don't think as much of a comedy Because it can be serious moments

And there can be like Like you can't just do set up You can't just do a punch line every five seconds and set some stuff up. But people will go with it. The first time I saw one really good was Ralphie Mae. I was working the cover booth in the O.R.

The Comedy Store. And it was just shitty night. Nobody was doing that well. And Ralphie Mae was on for like three minutes, four minutes. He goes, you know what? You guys are not in A audience. They're not getting my A jokes.

He didn't my B jokes. And then he started doing this story about the first time I met Sam Kinnison. I went some contact with he was a 17-year-old. and Kenneth was doing key bumps in front of him and the 17-year-old was like, what the fuck he didn't know what was happening. And man, I'll tell you,

you can watch when I covered with everybody, he was on the edge of their seat. You know, like, interested in what he was saying. It might not have been like as funny as Ralphie usually as like punch, punch, punch, but man, it was interesting. You get everyone's attention in a certain way. Tig, when Tig did that CD she did,

it was all just a story about getting cancer and figuring that out. And she kept going like, oh, sorry, I'll get back the jokes And the people in the audience were like, no, don't. This is fine. Like this. Yeah, it's like a slower and more like methodical way of being.

It's intriguing. It surprised me too. Bill Burr once I saw him like talking about something on stage and then he got some people about his childhood. And he was like, yeah, me and John Smith and build whatever, whatever. We're driving down to his other guy, Mike. Oh, yeah. And he goes like, oh, yeah, Mike, man.

I didn't thought that guy in like 20 years He remembers on stage And it's like oh it's fucking nice moments So like there It's very interesting to see The person live it See you could tell a story Anybody could tell a story

But right there where you're telling him about Bill Burr He got a moment where he lived it Yeah exactly That story I told about the Bronx There was a few minutes on stage I didn't see an audience I can't lie to you I was on a street corner

just telling the story like I lost the audience I was having so much fun you know when you tell a story and people listen let me tell you what the best thing about being a comic is when you relieve the pressure off yourself

that they have to laugh okay sometimes a story the story is funny it becomes funny the story is just funny. In the story, you'll find the comedy.

But the best thing for a comic is when I come to you, Ari, and go, hey, listen, this 10 minutes you got to do, don't be funny. Watch what happens to a comedian. It changes you. Yeah, and they're not so addicted to it. Plus, comics are not going to

lose the crowd at any moment if you're not funny. Yes. When we're coming, listen, when you're a comic, the first eight or nine years, you're striving to be funny. Yeah. The first time I got on belly room and I did a stupid testicle testament on the belly room oh yeah I remember that it was 99 I did three hours they got they got there at eight and I talked to 11 because every time I said okay guys I got to go they go no more and we and that's the night you ever hear

rogan talk about Joey something happened to you that you weren't very far and then all of a sudden you got fucking that was the night when I realized that you could take the pressure off yourself. There's a certain pressure. We don't know it's there as a comedian until you take it off. Yeah, when you let it go, there's a confidence that comes out, too. And when you pull that switch, your life will change, Lee. It's like a tongue in the ass.

It's like a chick that takes her tongue for the first time. You don't even know that's done. A chick usually just sucks your dick and licks your nuts, and then you jerk off, and she giggles, and she gets a towel. But then you meet a dirty fucking whore who's sucking that fucking. helmet and then it licks your balls and while she's licking your balls every fucking hair in your body is popped up you're at and all of a sudden she takes that tongue and just wiggles it in your asshole and keeps jerking you're off you've never had that feeling before in your life you get

dizzy you get anxiety you don't know what to do and then you just fart come and it's all over it's a new experience this is the new experience as a comedian it really uh and it's fun to explain that's why I wanted you to call this morning, Ari, because there's a lot of comics that listen to this, and they're like, we don't know how you become a story tell. This is it. Take the pressure off. Yeah, well, the thing is everyone's got stories. Everybody tell stories at parties, you know. At the time you and John fucking, you know, almost got thrown out of Fenway or something like that, and it's just like how you tell it. It's just how interesting you tell it. I'll be comments that they're just good speakers. They tell me stories already, if they get loose,

if they get natural about it, like you said, and don't worry about laughs, then it becomes sort of magical. Is it scary? The first like two minutes of it When you're not getting laughs Because like everyone Brutal Brutal! Yeah

You're not used to it You know, you're not used to it You know, you get to laugh You go, I'd be 40, 40 seconds You don't get to laugh You go, I'd better make a funny face Or something Brutal

You have to keep pedaling And you have to keep pedaling And believe in your material You have to keep believing In your story Just believe in your story And then close I love getting stone

Before I go up there But not stone stoned like retarded stone so I take away that fear that little fear that you have so once I'm up there it's like anything else that first minute is brutal I'm sure if you watch any of those things that first minute for me is brutal but once I get a little flame I'm off and running once I get a little flame I'm off and running and that's where it picks up like the fear gets out of the way I don't give a fuck if you laugh yeah if it gives you a couple laughs too

a couple laughs like cool now I'm comfortable you know if they're just like if they're giving audience and you get comfortable like cool it'll be fine you know we're about bombing because they're already into it once you tell a story once you tell that story when you eliminate the laughter it takes the feeling of bombing

it makes it less because you control that now you learn also that you control your laughter that you control your audience that's the other power about story telling that once they're not getting laughs and you're controlling them oh my god

oh my god you're Fidel Castro you're a present that's a present I saw Dice I thought Dice wants to do this at the O-R-2 and he goes on

it's when he wasn't smoking but he was still chewing cigarettes you know he was like put in his mouth so he came up he puts his drink on the on the stool and then it takes his

he didn't say a word It just takes his cigarette pack out, and it taps it on the microphone a little bit. He taps him down, and he takes a jacket off, and he picks up his drink from the stool, takes a drink, puts it back down, goes over to the microphone,

he goes to make a lot of test. He didn't teach his one word for about a minute and a half. And then he goes, see, a lot of these comments, they get up here, they don't get a laugh for this long, they'd be terrified. It'd be in the corner of shiver.

It goes, me, no, I know how this is going to, And it was so pompous. But he was right. They had him all laughing. And as soon as he wanted to, it was up to him. It was up to him.

You know, it wasn't up to us. How lucky were we to get to see Dice come up every night? You know, I hear these comics and, oh, well, Dice used to bump up for two hours and shit. Let me tell you something. I learned more in those two. It was like going to a college course when you saw Dice perform. on Sunday nights and stuff. It really was.

Sunday nights, it would be someone with him and Rock and talking and Damon would all come down on a fucking Sunday night. It was random money. You got it in free. He got number four nine. It was something, it was like I can't even

Yeah, I was hosting. I was hosting. I was hosting. I used to call them and tell them, please come down there. Because fucking somebody's going to be there on the list and I want to bump them. So I would make See, listen, I would get there at 7, and I would host the first show. I would hang out for the first show. Then the second show, I knew Don Barris always wanted to host.

So Chooey would come. I'd borrow a 20 or two. I'd pick up two packages of Coke. Dice would show up. Chris Rock would show up. I'd go there, I'd do my 10 minutes, bring Dice up. I knew Dice was going to do 40. I'd go out there until Don Barris is done.

You got it from here. And I leave, and they pay me the $25 fucking bucks. but I got an education I got the biggest fucking education I remember one Sunday night Andrew was up there and he was going off

he was going off and there was these two Chinese guys in the front row and he just fucking went off on him like you chink fucks you don't even know

what I'm talking about do you he's talking about Kung Fu the TV show and afterward he goes all right don't worry about it And he walks away.

He goes, look at them. They're over there smiling. They're going to call their cousins on the phone. Tomorrow, when I eat Chinese food, I'm going to shit blood for three weeks. These fucking chinks, they'll do anything to your fucking food. They'll spit your food. And they were laughing. They were fucking loving it.

You know, just to see somebody of you making fun of them. And you're dying. And you're like, I can't wait to be able to do that. And then you go up and try it, and it works. That's what Dice was. Dice was like going to Jiu-Too class. you learned something and then when you spa you went and fucking did it it was amazing what i learned from him chris rock richard jenny damon wanes i learned from you watching you you and paulie actually

with it were two most two most like yourself on stage and off stage paulie you know everybody else is like yeah you and paulley could probably grow up you know he was doing it since he was fucking sick that's right that's right so yeah it wasn't it's not like he was good but he was the most like himself you and him two of you like you'd be talking about you'd be talking about you know he'd be talking about I'm going to either one of you backstage, and then you go on stage, it's the same exact person. There's no, like, a little bit stylized, the same exact person, because I'm on stage now. But I don't finish my conversation up there. I would watch you, you would look at that list.

You had to bring up, and you would look at the list of the employees or who the next pop-in is, and you would fucking, fucking a co-paste, and you would move your hands open and shut. It would, like, wide, like, five fingers wide open and shut over and over again. Opening and shutting him, opening and shutting him, pretending like you were looking at the list. See you next. You'd look at the list for 10 minutes while you were talking, opening and shutting your hand,

and then eventually you just go, that's probably right now. Those open mics there were the most fun. You know, people have no idea how much fun an open mic is. Listen, sometimes it's great to go see David Tau. It's great to go see Joe Rogan. It's great to go see Louis C.K., you know. Yeah.

But sometimes, guys, you know, you're not doing nothing on a Monday. It's a shitty baseball game Tuesday night Go to your local fucking open mic Smoker joint in the car Go in, it's always cheap beers Always cheap, you know I don't even think they have a two drink minimum Open mic, you know, you're going to do you know

Cover charge either There's no cover charge Just go down there and watch a comic in its early Developments It's no different than what you people are doing in your Whatever job you were fucking doing in the beginning It's just comics fucking awkward as fuck You know

But it's the same reason why I've stuck it out with Jiu-Jitsu. I go to J-Jitsu every day, Ari, to get beat up. Yesterday, I was on the bottom and half guard the whole fucking day getting beat up. I couldn't sweep anybody. Finally, I pulled this purple belt, though. You got to give me some fucking sweeps from the bottom. But, Ari, I keep going because of comedy. Because I know that someday it's going to come all together.

And I'm going to sweep the motherfucker, get on top of him, and get them in an Americana, and it's lights fucking out. You follow me? Right now, it's just a dream. It's just a dream for me to sweep somebody, get on top, and secure my position, and get into Americana. That's my dream. And eventually I'll hit it.

It may not be today, Ari. Maybe in two fucking ease. You'll nail it. I'll nail it. Just because I'll get pissed off, man. And this is it. This is comedy, you know, this storytelling element that you're about to blow up right now, and I'm very thankful to you for doing this,

this is a different element of our game that nobody ever thought of. But as a young comedy... It's all different parts. You got one-liners. That's a part of it, too. You got, you know... Rants. You got improvised.

It's all part of it. You've got so many different styles of comedy, but one of them that... You know, a lot of times I go into a town and a young comic goes, say, hey, man, I listen to a podcast, and I'm going on. And I get impressed.

Those are the people that really make me feel like I'm doing my job because I wish I had somebody that I could listen to when I was getting in my first two years of stand-up. You know, Tommy Easton, he was at the show, a great kid, open mic, always sends me notes about what he's doing. That was me 20 years ago. I think the comic, I leached onto, was Todd Jordan.

I'd call him every day and go, Todd, you're not going to believe this. What did you do last night? Seven minutes? Whoopty, call HBO, you know? But you're so fucking excited. I'm this, you know, so I want comics to know that at some point, one night, close your eyes and go, I'm not going to be funny tonight. I'm just going to go up there and tell a story about my dog getting sick

in the back of the fucking car on the way that land. City. Tell the fucking story and it's believing it. Stick to your guns. Don't worry about the laughter. You know, if you've ever watched our friend, Greg Jackson, you know, Greg Jackson, I think it's Greg Jackson, tell his fighters that he wants the

audience to boo. Because that means you're doing your job. You want the audience to what to do? There's a lot of fighters that'll go in there and they'll just hold their position. They'll just sit there and may him get for range. And he goes, he doesn't care if they boo. He doesn't care that that's what you're working your game.

You believe in your game that much. Dana White don't like to hear that shit. Dana White don't want to hear that shit. But that means, like Rashall Evans would say that, that he wanted you to do that because that means you were doing your job. It's a same thing. Yeah, early comics can't do it. That's true.

They can't go 32nd. And I'm telling you, if you're a year and a half comic and you do this, that's the fastest way of getting fun. because that was the launch from me. You know, somebody was telling me last week a way to really get your cardio going is to get a heart thing, to check your heart,

and go to your simplest rate when you get up out of bed, what your heart rate is at that point and do lift your legs 30 times, like a marching band type thing, and then stop. And don't do it again until you get your heart rate down to the bottom

to where it was again. That's the same thing. You know, that's how you make. your cardio get better this is how you improve your comedy is by adding storytelling to your game believing in your story that much that it's going to lead them intrigued and then you could still do five minutes of comedy at the end of set you follow you still don't end like a shrub if you put it together now I'll do the test stuff now you could really fucking you follow me so it's a great

exercise Ari I'm very proud you know 20 years from now people are going to be sitting you know I started storytelling After I watched, that's not happening, episode six with Ari and fucking Big Jay Ocasin and fucking, you know, that's what's going to happen. That's my favorite part is that people get good clips out of it, that you and Jay and whoever else Rogan and, you know, and TJ and Sean Patton and Sakura, they all get, like, good clips out of it. They can, like, people enjoy, you know, like other comics getting a chance. Well, I'm going to tell you something. I like that part. I hate watching myself.

I definitely hate looks for myself. I hate taping myself. I'm not one of those people besides this longest yard. thing that Adam Sandlin, those people sent me. I don't really have posters or pictures. I don't like looking at myself. There's only one thing in 24 years I'm very proud of that's on YouTube. I mean, I have some good stuff on YouTube, but the most proudest is the second story.

The one about my mother and the taxi cab. Because I'm going to tell you something. I'm going to tell you something. I know Rogan does it. I know Rogan has mentioned it, and you guys know it. every time I go on stage I forget two or three good jokes and if I do that three or four times I forget the fucking joke till I find it in an old notebook that storyteller was the closest I ever got to what I wrote in my life that was the closest I ever came except for a few faux poise with fucking carry and that but let me tell you why through the carry line of it because that was the last thing I watched on TV and it was in my psyche.

So my stand-up already knows to get something out that I disagree with, just to get it out. Like, my body already knows that. They talk about muscle memory. In my muscle, I know that if something is bothering me, I got to get it on the stage. And I didn't think about that until a week later, when you released it, I go,

why did I fucking say it on stage? Why would I stop the fucking story to say fucking they're releasing carry on stage? Because it was in the back of my mind, And that drive in the 101, I was furious that they had remade fucking carry. That's how fucked up we are as comedians, people. That's the first tape. That's actually a thing we did.

When we talked about, we were, like, finishing them, we were editing them. We didn't edit much, but if somebody just went off on some side playing it didn't go anywhere, it wasn't funny. They were talking about that one. They were like, oh, we've got to chop these down. I was like, why? Why? That's for the Internet. We're not going to have them 30 seconds.

So who cares about seven minutes or 15 minutes? I'm like, we can't do it. I'm like, why? And they're like, look, look, some parts don't involve the story. And they go, what about that part where George Diaz talks about Carrie? That's not involved.

We can just take that out. And I was like, no, that's the part that makes it breathe. That's the part where comedy is just fucking relaxing. Leave that part in. Leave that part in. It was funny, and it fucking slows everything down. So you're not in a fucking rush to get to, you know,

top it, top of it, punchline, punch on, punch on, punch on, just let it go. Let it breathe. And they were like, all right. And that's what I like it, The fucking, all the stories breathe, you know? So, in the middle of my ranting, this fucking thing came out about Gary.

That had been burning my soul. I'm the 101, the last 20 fucking minutes. And that's how I know that this thing we do is real, Ari. That's when I realized after 24 fucking years, that what I do is real. When I see something that bothers me now to be on stage, if I think something's comical or, you know, me shitting in that cup three weeks ago,

I had a shit in a cup for the doctor. And here's the funny thing. They sent me a report back and I told me my shit was normal. It's not normal. It's in a cup. And they take... In a cup that's normal. I had to take like a little fucking stick and shit in the toilet

and then take the shit out of the stick and put it in this piece of paper and close it. The shit would work as the glue. And I had to do that three different shits in one fucking day. And I only took two big ones, so I had to wait until like two in the morning. I pushed out this little shit, my intestine, almost fucking popped out and had a scrape it and put it in and I said to myself wow

I sent those three pieces of shit I never heard back from my doctor or not about a week later I get this thing from you see L, oh yeah here we go I open it up and there it is your shit results are fucking normal it's a fucking strong of mine so this Montreal this week when when do your show start my show start tonight Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday at Philadelphia this training strip club that's what we got the idea to do the strip club from this Montreal when we did it at Montreal Comedy Festival. Okay. They put it in a strip club, and I was worried about it.

I thought they were doing it just because it was all sex stories. I thought where they were just trying to make a theme. But when I got up there, it was cool looking. I mean, you walk up these steps and these old pictures of strippers that, like, faded and black and white, and you just start feeling more like a degenerate. And when people get on stage and they tell their story, like, you don't give a shit. However dark they get, you don't give a shit. I got to be honest, man, I'm happy with the crowds that come.

Now the crowd's know what it is. We did one in Brooklyn at Union Hall, um, I don't know, like a month ago. And D.C. Benny was telling some story about getting molested when he was little. And the crowd was roaring with laughter. There was no like, oh, no, this is terrible. It's like, you can all tell.

They were like, look, you seem cool with it now. So we're going to laugh with you. You know? He was like, man, that was the greatest audience I've ever done for that one of those things. But yeah, the degenerates, they know the deal. And they're cool. tonight through Thursday at midnight ha ha ha.com if you're in Montreal

and we're going September 9th again at the Cheetah right two shows a night at cheaters yeah with the two shows and then we're going to 9th and the 15th so we're not Tuesday and then that Monday after that I'm available for both of them Tarzan so whatever you need I'm showing up one last question for Yari you got another minute yeah let me say a date though too I got a show in Brooklyn on August 21st

at the bell house and if you go to my it's me doing an hour in New York so it's the only hour I'm gonna do in New York 15 bucks I gotta ask you because I'm I'm sitting with two of my best brothers here you're both Jewish you're both into Israel you're both uh you're both uh yeah yeah no no it's not it's not a bash Jew time you know I don't play that shit I got an email yeah I got a Twitter that Lee is here say hello Lee hey no yeah okay Lee read it you know and I was really upset about it. The guy was like, on Monday, you got to talk on the podcast about what's going on over there. Let the world know what's going on over there.

What the fuck is going on over there? Tell me what the fuck this guy was talking about. Does anybody know or am I fucking retarded here? I don't know what he's talking about. Well, I don't know. Lee, just saying. Yeah, I don't know if it's the same for you, Ari. But anyone who's mad like that is usually against Israel.

And I don't know if they're pro-Palestine, but they're definitely anti-Israel. No, it goes both ways. It goes both ways. All the religious Jews are. still know the same thing. They get mad and they're like, they only see one side. And they always choose one side.

Well, yeah, it's kind of hard not to. I mean... It's close to segregation. It's close to the way it wasn't in South Africa. But it's not the same. Because the only reason they're putting them, you know, at checkpoints of a guess,

because they're smuggling, you know, guns in. But the only reason they stop ambulances. They used to let ambulances go right through the checkpoints. They're like, look, it's dangerous. They're like, look, it's dangerous. They're in the fucking Palestinians start smuggling and fucking bomb. on an ambulance and I was like, well, now I'm going to go to fucking check these two. Yeah.

And I don't, because I just got one. The little kids who have no homes now, there's a little girl, a little six-year-old girl, I'm sure, somewhere in Palestine, got out of the West Bank whose house is blown up. And she didn't do anything. She didn't do anything to anybody, but now she's got no home. But she didn't do anything. You're like, well, these houses, any, didn't, like, no, that's just one person who didn't do anything to anybody. And now she's fucked out of a home.

But at the same time, I heard some. somebody say it like this, if one side just laid down their guns, it said, we're not going to fight anymore. Do whatever you do, we're not going to fight anymore. If the Arabs did that, what would the Jews do? They'd probably stop fighting, too. And if the Jews did that, what would the Arabs do? They'd wipe the Jews the fuck. Yeah, I mean, because I just got one last night. I got some guy yelling at me telling me saying I was racist, he's not listening anymore.

Yeah, it's... It's... Yeah, I'm like, dude, I'm not Israeli. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not Israeli. Well, I retweeted and I stand with Israel. The thing that got that guy mad was I retweeted something that I stand with Israel or something.

Obviously there's people who aren't involved. It's just there's terrorists. There's terrorists there and it's condensed, so it seems like a lot. Obviously, there's some people who don't deserve what's happening to them. Probably the majority of Palestinians are pretty nice.

But when you have terrorists who are, they're hiding by schools, all terrorists do this, not just Palestine, they hide by schools, so if a bomb goes there, they blow up to school and they seem like assholes. But if Mexico or Canada or Cuba, like, I was thinking about this the other day, people are like, well, Mexico is never going to send a bomb. If Cuba was sending bombs at Miami, 20, 30 times a day. They lost 100 rockets in two days. They lost 100 rockets in two days. Yeah. So if, if, if, and they're like, hey, guys, you can't do it. You can't launch rockets into our country.

Right. Every other country in the world will go into. And what Israel does is they send ground trips in And they fucking leaf Leaf with a place Like get out We're bombing this building on this day Please leave Yeah

I try to get people a chance to get out And obviously for me Yeah I'm sure you are You live there for a while I was only there for six months When I came back If this was going on I would have been super racist on here

Against Just because you talk to people Who like had that shit happen To them with the bombs and stuff And since I've been back I'm a little bit less Anti-Palestinian but it's just

Yeah Yeah They don't have it easy But it's like it goes both ways Yeah They're just They hate each other Yeah

That's what it comes down to And you can negotiate And Israel's probably doing some shit They realize They say like Let's say somebody invades Another country Or Texas

From take over from Mexico Or whatever At some point You make a peace treaty And say All right We'll give you this land And you'll compromise

But What their deal is They were they're commanded by God to wipe the Jews out. So how are you going to compromise on that? How are you going to make a peace treaty on that? Like, we'll give you this planet. It goes, well, we're still commanded by God to wipe you out.

So you can't negotiate that away. Right. Different terms. Yeah. I mean, when you see, like, the propaganda they're showing to, like, their six-year-olds about Jews drain the blood of Arabs to make our bread. Like, it's like the videos. That's from the programs.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, and I don't know where the video is. I just remember watching it when I was there. But the thing that I don't think enough people, I'm sure Israel's doing stuff. I'm sure the same thing that America does fucked up shit during war with like the whatever that prison

was in Afghanistan and Iraq or Iraq. Yeah, they do, of course, because they're made to hate the enemy. Right. There's people so they all piss on each other and do shit like that. Yeah, so I mean, Israel is doing some shit, but it's just I don't know. For me, if you're sending bombs, though, if anyone sent

one bomb to America, would be invading their country. So it's... Yeah. All the Cuba did was a planet bomb. Yeah. It's a point one. And we haven't been talking about 50 years.

When am I going to see you, cock sucker? When am I going to see you? I'll be there for a couple days, I think, August, like August 1st. Yeah, I'm doing my colonoscopy, August 4th. There's no fucking podcast, August 4th, till nighttime. They're sticking a tube up my ass at 6 a.m.

Lee's driving me at 6, and my wife's picking me up at 10.30. Ari, I love you, Cucksucker. Be safe. Thanks for calling on today. Thank you. See, I gave you the Jew minute. See? Nobody gives the Jew minute. I didn't say a word. When two Israeli Jews are talking, fucking Gentiles shut their fucking mouths. You understand me? I'm telling you the fucking rule, Cocksucker. When two Jews are talking, shut your fucking mouth. I love you, Ari. Have a great day. Oh, my God. The church of what's happening now, motherfuckers. Monday, July 21st, the world is yours.

Let me give some shoutouts to my main motherfuckers. Jeremy Turtle, Classen, Josh Costa, Alex Chavez, my main man, Rob Kulesh, Lady J, looking better than ever, Gomez and Escondido and Shabu Shib, whatever your fucking name is, right here making it happen over here in the fucking church. I'm fucking stone. Yeah, me too. I tell you a little cheap, but you works out.

Perfect. You had a lot more than I did. Sure, you know. If I do it, I don't fucking... I wasn't going to bring that up today. Because I got a... This guy was pissed at me. What?

Who gives a fuck? Hey, listen, I got to explore every fucking avenue here. This is the church of what's happening. I'm not here to be pissed at somebody, and most of all, I don't want somebody pissed at me or him. Let's Lee give his fucking point of view, and if you people get pissed off, you know, a model here. If you can't take a joke, take a fucking taxi cucks up.

And it's not an Arab thing, and it's not a Muslim thing. It's a terrorist thing, so... No, I mean, that's... Someone called me racist. And I was like, what could I possibly have said that was a racist? racist. Maybe we talked about that. No, no. Some people, you know, they wake up in the mornings and they

understand things wrong. Because I fucking get it. Sometimes I get fucking, I take something the wrong way too and I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You never know what somebody's thinking. You don't want to wake up on the wrong side of the bed? Get new mood from fucking on it. That's what... Who's better than Uncle Joe?

Look at that transition. I come fucking prepared with two guns, bullets, and a fucking grenade in my asshole. That's how I show up. You understand me? Go to honor.com. This is the way to fucking do it. You people hit me up. Oh, Joey, you're on fire till.

You know why? Because I started back on the alpha brain on fucking Saturday. I'm back, bitches. Dirty day fucking run. I'm going to write some comedy. I'm going to get the story down for Ari. This is not happening.

I'm going to lose some weight. I'm home the month of August. This is what I'm doing. What the fuck? I got to go to Paducah, Kentucky to visit the family. In August, I can't wait. My main man, I got some fucking dude.

My main man in Paduca is trying to get me at night. Oh shit. A little comedy. You know what I'm saying? People drive down from Sinci. I keep the prices low. We'll hang out.

We'll smoke some dope. You know how we do it, motherfucker. Anyway, talking about Honnet. How the fuck do we get on this shit? I don't know. Annet.com, the best. This is not a vitamin. This is not a supplement.

This is a complete different fucking level. Whether it's the alpha brain, whether it's the hemp force protein shake, whether it's the new, the strong bone, whether it's the fucking shroom tech, which I took two of those off and I went there and I rolled yet.

thing I got my ass kicked try it out they got kettle bells they got ropes they got fucking battle ropes they got fucking things you swing up in the air like a hula hoop all that stuff go there I don't care what you look at make you you want your life to be better you want you you want to fucking be sharp fuck it you know I smoke dope like a motherfucker fucking going always trip ba ba blah blah blah blah blah that's the alpha brain why fuck around go to honit.com go to joey deers get 10% off your order get signed in get emails, get on the stay on the program, do yourself a favor.

The same for fucking pushovers. If you try the alpha brain, there's a 30-day money-back guarantee. We don't even want the product. You don't do it one time only, all right? Go to joey-deas.net, get yourself a geepatch. At the same time, go to on it, press in church. Church, C-H-U-R-C-H, and get 10% off your honor product.

Again, what do I got to do here? What the fuck do we got to do here? I got to stand up and jumping up and down, people. Listen, TV blows in the summer. It blows. It fucking blows. They put on the worst shit. Catch up on your television shows. Catch up on movies.

Catch up on kids shows. Why fuck around? Huluplus.com. They do not fuck around. Lee. What are the shows they have? My wife lives on Hulu Plus. I think she's watching House of Cards or some shit on there.

Every week is something different. The other day, she goes, you know what? Why are we messing around? The kids show that we like the fucking is on Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is tremendous. $7.99 a month. You get kids shows, documentary shows, TV shows. You know, the today, what is it, the daily show?

Yeah, the traditional collection, like a whole bunch of cool movies. Plus, they got original programming, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, they got a bunch of it. I'm telling you right now, stop fucking around. Go to Huluplus.com. Why waste your time? $7.99 a month.

$8 to get fucking Peevy every show. Rock it, watch it when you want. Where you want, it works on iPads, any fucking device that streams, there you fucking have it. You stick your fucking finger in a socket or stream on your palm of your hand. Hulu Plus or delivery. You understand me? Go to Huluplus.com and press in. Joey.

Joey. In the box. Huluplus.com and press. What? Joey. In the box. $7.99 a month deal. But you're going, Joey, that's the same I get from the commercial, yeah?

You don't get two weeks for free from the fucking commercial. Suck my dick and call me shorty. I was born in 1940. Damn, two weeks for free. Not one week, not one day. Two weeks, two weeks, two weeks, Huluplus.com today. Go there right now today.

Stop with this other shit. You're wasting your fucking time. You got a fucking device, iPad, Roku, Ooku, look cool. You are television. Fucking ill work for you, all right? Stop messing around.

$7.99 a month, but what I'm going to do is give you two weeks for free. When was the last time somebody licked your nuts for two weeks for free until you gave him a check? Bam! Go to Huluplus.com and press in. Joey. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with, cock sucker?

You want to look good? Dollar Shave Club.com. Your ball smell good. Your asshole smells good. They got the wipes. What else? One of my charlies. Warm-up charles.

They got the doctor's. The doctor's covered. Shave butter. They got the pre-fucking shave. But the most expensive. Most expensive. I'm getting ahead of myself. What's happening?

What's? But the most, the best thing about the dollar shave program is it's a dollar a month. That's right, Joey. A dollar a month. $6 a month or how much $9. $9 a month. $9 a month get your four razors, double blade raises with the aloe strips sent to your house.

Nice. You look like fucking Bridget Bardot's pussy in 66. The $6 plan gets your four razors sent the house, double blades, tremendous. No aloe strip. You rubbed it on your own time. And the fucking, what dollar plan gets you one blade? It's two blades. What? Extra shot. You could two toes things apart and fucking cut the fat off your toe.

You know what I'm saying? You can stab a Puerto Rican with it. That's how they roll over there at Dollar Shave Club. Well, the handle is like a weapon. And the fucking handles like a weapon. You get two of them. You tell me you lost it. And put a fucking chain in between.

The handles tremendous. Every morning I shave my Dollar Shave Club. I get four of them sent to my house. Tremendous raises. You don't got to stand online like some fucking MOOC at some place behind some guy that stinks like dick. You don't got a stand at 7-11 behind some guy thinks his day's going to be made playing the fucking lot. You ever get behind one of those assholes. They get, oh, yeah, let me get a 6-09.

Let me get a screen. scratch a guy. You're a fucking stiff. It's not happening. Not today. You got a better chance of jumping off a fucking bridge. You're getting eaten by a shark that hit the fucking lottery. Get the fuck out of here. Dollar Shave Club. A dollar, $6 or $9. Correct. Correct. Deliver it straight to your house.

You don't have to leave the fucking house. Go to Dollar Shave Club boxing joeydeers.net. Or go to Dollar Shaveclub.com and press in church. Church. C-H-U-C-H in the box and get your fucking raises sent to your house starting today. Also, my main man, my main man, escapodtank.com for all your sensory deprivation needs. They got tremendous tank.

Just a tank model will give you $150 off. If you mention me, you get another deuce and a half off. They'll deliver it to your house, whether it's residential, commercial, whatever the fuck you want to do. You want people coming over your house, jumping up and down, whacking off in your tub. You get charged by the hour. You want to jump in there yourself and scratch your nuts

and sniff your fingers underwater. That's up to you too. Call my man on the 800 line. Go to escapoddank.com. Escapebodtank.com. Take a look at all their fucking tanks. All the options they have. Financing is available.

You understand me? Mention the church. Joey Diaz, the flying Jew. He hates yams. Whatever the fuck you want to talk about. You get $250 off. What the fuck you think you're dealing with here? A little Tony Bennett to ease up the mood here.

What the fuck, Lee? You're slipping. It's July 21st. Bruce Lee's been dead for 41 years. What the fuck have you done? done with your life, cocksucker. Wake up, go out there, stab a fucking... I don't know.

I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart. Some, somebody twice as smart as I a somebody who will swear to be true

as you used to do With me When you were saying the Hulu ad And he said he could plug your finger into a wall And watch on your hand I just kept thinking like Why doesn't he have the wireless model? I thought like why would you still have the plug-in model

If it's on your hand? I'm gonna get this devil and shut him up your fucking asshole Cucksucker That would brought you by my chaser This is a beautiful little devil's box I'm gonna have this forever in my house I don't forget this shit What's up Cocksucker

What are you gonna do the rest of the day? I got Steve Suckucket Steve Simonee coming right after you, and then I got Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1 and 2 with Rick Ramos tonight. Chainsaw Massacre 1 and 2. What the fuck's he thinking? What am I going to do with that fucking day? You're going to make you sit through horror. He doesn't even though he don't like horror.

You're going to fucking cry. You're going to call me 18 times Papa. Are they really scary? What do they do in that? Texas Chainsawrampers. I know it's gory, but I don't know who is. It's fucking greasy. They're singing around dancing to Volker's jumping off the fucking table.

You're going to call me 18 times Papa. come over hug me did you hear from your dad yesterday? Yeah, we talked on the way home How's he doing? He's doing great And how's your mom? Everybody good in the family, brother?

Yeah, you miss him, you call him every day, you call your mom every day, you tell you love her. Yeah, talk to her a few times a week. 26 years ago yesterday, she was spitting you out of that little Jew monkey. She unleashed you on the fucking world. 10, 20 p.m.

Like Biggie and fucking respect, you know what I'm saying? You bad, motherfucker. All right, everything's going good. You had a nice time in Vegas. I had a nice time that you. You were there. That fucking John Belai was terrible, wasn't it?

Oh, I didn't have it. Oh, it would taste it like fucking dick. It didn't look like you liked it. No, I took a shit, a three-foot shit when I got it. It's hysterical. When I go on the road, I don't shit. I shit just the overflow. The overflow?

It's the overflow on my asshole and my gut. I shit out. When I get home, after I land, I mess around. I talk to my wife. I played the baby. There comes to a point where I take everything comes out, and I just go straight in the shower. I don't take a shower for that. It's like a, and there's shit everywhere.

My fist, my fingers, my legs. When you're telling you that to Ari, I just imagined you kneeling down at your toilet with a fucking stick. And I'll look at the only cameras in your house. I did. I had to turn around with the fucking camera and I had to put the stick in the paper perfectly. Then I had to throw the stick away. And the funny thing was they sent me sticks and I lost them. So I had to go to a Starbucks one of those coffee places and steal those fucking stairs.

Oh, my God. You know how I rolled, Doug. Never a dull moment. Any of the Kloanaxie be coming up? August 4th. Are you worried about it? No. My dad says it's not that bad.

No, it's not bad at all. I got to just drink... What I'm going to do is the week leading up to it. I'm really going to flu it up my diet. Okay. I'm going to just start by, like, just, you know, soup. Juicing and juices and, you know, all that shit.

Just a lot of juices. Maybe I'll lose some fucking weight. You never know. For seven days, I'm just... And then leading up to it is Sunday. So I'm home all day. So you have to drink this white powdered chalk. Yeah, I heard.

And he cleans everything. The bubble gum, all those years of bubble gums, I stuck up in my fucking I swallowed. I'm going to blow a big, when they stick that can up my ass and that bubble blows up inside of me, I might not make it back from a fucking colonoscopy. God forbid, knock on what the fuck. We got to do the church every day. We got to keep the tradition going. We got to keep some fucking balls in your asshole.

Talking which, I got pretty stoned yesterday. You know, I get stoned on the Lord's Day. I like it. You got a jit-so and everything. I got pretty high last night before I went to bed. And I was in the living room, and Demi came in, and soup bag came in, and Harry came in, and Ali was there, and then Fidel came in.

So here I am sitting in the limer room with my five cats. And they're like three feet away from each other, but they're all surrounding me. They're waiting for me to make my move, and they're going to make that move. I turned the TV off, and I'm just sitting there watching. You know? and I've realized the journey they've taken with me.

You know, these cats were with me out on a shreder. When we lived in a little room, you know, one-room apartment, our bedroom was a closet. We put a twin bed in the closet, and we had my sleep-abby machine there and a TV in there. Then we had the living room. I mean, we were, like, white trash in this apartment. We were like Puerto Ricans, you know.

But these cats were there with me. You know, and we always fed them, even when I was my broken. I always found time for fancy feast or the science diet or boat. If I ate out, I bring them sushi. You know, I'd always get fish for them. You know, my cats eat shrimp. If I eat fucking, like last night, I ate salmon.

I eat three quarters of it. The rest of them goes to them. I love my cats. My cats are part of me. My animals are part of me. You know, when I get home now, I'm looking at the clock because every day, Millie gets walked in the morning. You know, Millie, the German Shepherd.

Oh, yeah. Pit bull. So I go over and I give Millie a hug. That's part of my week. That's my life. You know, I love my animals. They make me feel better about myself. I don't know why.

We don't know why. Nobody knows why you want it to adopt a dog. I don't know. They're great. They're just great. Animals are fucking great. And they make you feel, you know, there's some mornings when I wake up,

when I wake up a little unsure about myself, I'm a little insecure. You know, some days you just don't have it. You don't fucking have it every day, you know. But I tell you what, sometimes I stumble until I take a piss. I brush my teeth, you know. I put the coffee on it, and I turn around, I'm still out of it, but I look down, I almost kick one of the cats.

I'm like, get the fuck out of the way. In the middle of all that, they're there to greet me. So I get on my hands and knees, and I pet one, and right on them, when you pet one, the other one jumps on the line, and then the other one flips on his back because he wants more attention. And right away, I'm laughing. Yeah. Which means they gave me, they did something. They gave me an action, a reaction, you know.

They love, you know, Harry doesn't like them. you touch his stomach. So he'll let you touch you for like two minutes. Then he gets pissed. His back pulls go at you. Yeah. And Harry's a fucking sweetheart. Yeah.

Harry has no malice at all. He just doesn't like his stomach touch. And I was watching one of those animal planet shows. What's the part of cat doesn't like touch? And it's his belly. They don't like being on their back too much when they fight. So I always thought it was behind their tail, you know? But I'm sitting there last night.

This is a story a lot of people don't know about him. I'm sitting there last night. And it's just something. You know, I was telling Terry. We're going back to see her parents. I go, you know, Terry, I've lived my life. If the fucking plane goes down, you get $250,000. See what I'm saying?

That's the bottom line. That's the truth. That's life, guys. And I go, you know, your grandparents, I mean, your parents, they fly here, and the plane goes down. You get $250. But mercy dies, we lose mercy. You know, I was just talking to them about flying, you know.

And I was looking at that. And last night I was telling myself, what if, you know, what if I passed in five years, you know? Who would take care of my cats? who would, like if something happened to me and Terry, who would take care of the cat? Yeah, I'm concerned about mercy. But I also all those cats, that commitment. You know, when I was 15 before my mother died, that summer I got a dog.

Yeah? His name was, I named them Crystal because I used to be into Crystal T-8C. I used to do, which is fucking gorilla biscuits, its angel bust. So me and my friends would get high on the weekends on Crystal. And also I got this dog, he was white, and he had like yellow spots. he was a mixed dog just a mutt you know but he was a great dog and I took him in he was my first dog I made a lot of mistakes when I hit him in the newspaper

because they told me to do you know and I put his nose and pissed because they told me to do but I didn't enjoy doing it but I was too stupid to not know you know when my mother died I had to live with the benders you know I had to get rid of the dog and I tell you man until today that fucking eaks me and another story people don't know is after about two months after my mom died, I jumped the fence.

I got so fucked up one night, and the pain was so overbearing. Not only of my mother, but of giving that fucking dog away, but I jumped the fence where he was living. The people would leave him out at night, and I would jump the fence and play with him. And one night the lady came out, and she invited me in, and she goes, you're fucked up. You know, I was really drunk. You know, I wreat of alcohol.

I probably had a luded in me, and I was doing a little coke. But that was the last piece of me. So when I looked at those cats yesterday, I was like, I hope that doesn't happen to them. You know, because it's tough getting home for all the cats. The girls are too fat, you know, nobody's going to take that. But I know Damon will take Fidel out of respect, and I know you'll take Harry and Demmy because you can't take one of them. Right.

You got to take the brothers Johnson together. And then somebody who has a Coke prom or somebody who needs help should take Superbad because he helped me get off the Coke. And let me tell you some soup bad. great fucking cat. And, you know, he's no fucking cat show winner, you know, by no means. He's got a little head and his body's fucked up. Really?

Yeah, he lost his fang, you know. But Superbad has magical fucking powers. I'm telling you, man, that cat is fucking magical. That cat, listen, I saved his life and he saved my life. And I'm very, what's the word I'm looking for? I owe him. Yeah. But in his mind, he owes me.

Like, we saved, that cat was dead on my bathroom floor. It was the saddest thing ever. And me and my wife fed him oatmeal cookies. That's the only thing he would eat. He didn't even have the power to get up. So I'd give him water, and he licked the water off my finger. And I'd take an oatmeal cookie. And finally, he started flipping around,

and they would pop his head up. And then one day he fully got up, and he peed himself in the excitement. I had to wash him and that cat I tell you I had a friend that was into a cat one day he told me

those cats are very appreciative you don't know that but they're very appreciative they don't forget dick they go under the bed and they write everything down and I know super bad but all those cats

super bad is the closest to me Demi loves his mother last night they were in the shower and I had to do something as I was leaving I went in there and Demmy's in the fucking you know dimmy's with my wife

all the time and that baby. He's in the room with them. He's mea-me-me-o. The baby chases him now. The baby tells him, get the fuck out of here. You know, she doesn't say,

get the fuck out of here. But in her tic-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-language, I'm sure she's telling him to get the fuck out of it. But I thought about those cats. I'm like, what would happen to those cats? I got to tell you something. I was fucking sad for five minutes. Because I wouldn't want him to get abused.

I wouldn't want them to go to some home and get killed, you know, like some shelter. Oh. You know, the girls? The girls are tough. I can't look. Evie's mean. Nobody would take Evie.

Evie's mean. That mean, Evie's mean. She loves me and she loves Terry and she stays away from the baby. But she's just a different planet. You know, Gray, gray, you could just,

something happens to me. You just get Gray, put her on the stoop. And that's the great takes care of herself. Gray is just in love now. Gray's my girl. You know, Gray sleeps at me. Yeah. In the middle of night,

I just reached my hand down. Gray's in the little. little bun bun boy. She goes, meow. And she comes off, and I grab her, and I hold her, and I pet her ears, and I clean inside her ears, and I clean her eyes for her, and her nose gets wet. And then she sneezes, and she sneezes on my face with a little fucking wet. And then I kiss her, and she fucking takes her off, and I won't see her the two fucking days. So it's just amazing. The love that you get for your animals, and how you got to worry about them. You got

look at them and go, who's going to take care of them like me after I'm gone, you know? So, Lee, remember, you got Harry. and... Oh, no. Fuck yeah. Harry and Demi move right in with you. You're right into the bedroom. I love you. Because if you separate those two, I separated one. I put one in one car and one in the other car.

It was a fucking nightmare. Oh, no. Oh, it was a nightmare. Harry loves Demi. Harry loves his brother. Even though he bites him and they fight and they're going to attack each other, he loves his fucking brother. It's amazing. I've learned a lot from those goddamn cats, you know, so...

That's funny. No, but I don't think... I mean, no, I don't think it's going to happen, hopefully. No, it's not going to happen, but you always got to think. You got to always think of the dark side, the other side of me. If you don't, you're foolish. Just for two seconds. Yeah. Just to see how it makes you feel, you know?

And that's it, motherfuckers. What else you want? You're staring at me going, Joey. You just broke my heart with this. No, it's a truth. You got to think of the other side every once in a while. Just every once in a while, think of the other side for two minutes, see how you feel and move yourself back,

and what you can do to take that feeling. feeling away. Yeah. You know, what can I do? I just asked Lee to take super bad and fucking Demi or something happening. So that's it. That's all I got for you. That's all you got.

How about you? Everything good? Your birthday good? It's great to be 206. I got drunk for the first time like a year and a half for this fun. And you had sex. Look, you all depleted. It was a happy birthday.

And you fucking had a good time from Vegas. You make good rides. I'm proud of you later. Yeah, it was fun. It was a blast. And this week, you got to go to the gym? How many time? I don't, I took the day off yesterday.

So probably, hopefully at least five or six times. And you went Saturday? No. Fuck. I was going to go. Remember, I brought my bag to the party. Like, well, go to the gym. I'll have some lunch.

I was like, oh, we get to Vegas. I call him up because I was getting dressed to go to the gym. I go, gym. You're in fucking Vegas. He shows up at the John Beliah joint with this bag. Like, he's fucking Chale Sonny. He's going to go to the gym. He's showing up with a bag.

Like, he's got fucking syringes in there. And fucking. scales and whatnot. I go, what's in there? He goes, I got my fucking sneakers, whatever the fuck. And I said, what are you going to go to go to the gym?

You're in Vegas. Go get your dick suck. Do you suck. Go play some fucking games. Sure enough, we want to play. We both went. He's the kiss of debt. I had the fucking machine by $10.

And all of a sudden he sat next to me. You told me to play. He's like a fucking Chinese dude. You don't even winning money and Chung Kennedy's uncle stands behind you. You lose a bunch of fucking money. Don't let Chinese people stand behind you and don't let Jews sit next to you.

On the, what were we playing? Oh, you were playing video poker. That's right, video poker. I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing. You know that? No, I've no idea. I was watching you. I was like, what is?

I just learned myself. Anyway, I love you, cock suckers. Have a great day. We'll be back Wednesday. Rock in the house, 9 o'clock at night, maybe. I'll let you guys know. I love you guys. Joey Dears.comnet for all your tour dates,

ghee patches, t-shirts, mugs, fucking whatever the fuck you need go there. I love you guys. great day and thank you very much for listening today. All right. Stay safe, stay black and most important, stay beautiful, cocksuckers. Do you have any dates this week? I got Pioneer Underground and Reno.

Get your shit together. And next Wednesday, a very special live podcast at the Ice House. 8 o'clock July the 30th, Cocksuffers. Be there or be fucking square. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus. Please, more enthusiastic. Hulu Plus, cocksuckers.

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