The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #198 - Joey Diaz, Christina Pazsitzky and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 24, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Christina Pazsitzky in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for 50% off your first order. Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Recorded live on 07/23/2014.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy, healthy, healthy, and delicious treats like Santa Fe corn sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get half off of your first order. Go to NatureBox.com promo code Joey. That's Naturebox.com promo code Joey. And the show is also sponsored by Onit.com. Go there to get Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shrm Tech Immune, and TrumTexport, anything like that. Use CodeWord Church to get 10% off of your order.

And lastly, go to Nailed It, Life. For all of you, oil and wax smokers out there for the premier vapor pen on the market. Mention Joey Diaz and get 20% off of your first order. 20. Oh shit. Wednesday night's special edition. Like a motherfucker. The church cocks up.

What? What? Wednesday night, wash that muffler. Tell Mama to suck your dick. It's going down. The church late night. Tell the devil he could fucking. My ass what?

Bannan-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- What Wednesday is the church eight o'clock Christine Pizzinski kicking it shame ready to rock a asshole smells like a fucking dead knock What motherfucker in the house Lee Zayat rocking Jews burning things fucking them up up the ass in your face what Joey Diaz here eight o'clock the church what stone to the motherfucking gills What? Put the fucking air on. What's up, you bad motherfucker? It's Wednesday night. The church of what's happened now. It's like 2,000 fucking degrees in Los Angeles, except you are here.

My girl, Christine's in the house. My main man, the flying fucking heap of debt. Lee Syatt, slinging dick, and giving out fucking yarmacres. You understand me? What's up, you bad motherfuckin? Nothing. I feel great. I told you. That was a good rap. I had an edible today.

I know. And then melted in the fucking car. So I had my wife put it back on the freezer. You know me, I'm a half of Puerto Rican. I came back. I gave Lee half of him. We're ready a fucking one. But we have a beautiful guest tonight.

Episode number 198, my main fucking beauty queen. Christine Pazinski. Are I saying the last name correct? Well, Christina Pajitsky. You did it. It's close enough. What the fuck. Listen, you're fucking Joey Diaz.

I can't. What the fact is Christina. Christina, yeah. But you're perfect as you were. I love how you said your mother sucks your. Cox. Is that what you said in there? I don't even know. You're inspired. Your ass smells like a dead cock.

What? What? Lisa, yeah. Fuck it. You don't smoke dope, right? No, I do, but I don't, I can't smoke socially. I get very weird. I get in my head. I like to smoke alone. And then I go on a Vision Quest and I think about life. I write jokes. I'm an alone smoker. I also drink alone. I heard that's not good. Do you drink alone?

When I used to, I used to love to snort coke alone. window and jerk off and take the shit and look at it for 10 minutes and you're like, well, I ate the last three days and break it down. You looked out at the window. Did it make you, like, paranoid? Yeah, but it was weird. The path was very different. You know, cocaine, it's like anything else that tricks you at first.

You have a good time. Your dick works. Everybody's happy. Yeah. You do that shit for a couple of years and it turned into something else, like everything else. You know, heroin, weed, everything could get dark on you. Too much anything. It's not good for even Subway sandwich, you know what I'm saying?

You eat five, six subs of a fucking wheat. You'll shit, you know, God knows what it'll come out of your ass. Windsheil wipes. It smells. That's a road dump. When you're on the road, do you eat a lot of subway? No, I used to. When I used to drive, when I used to drive all over this great country of ours,

they used to eat a lot of subway. Veggie and cheese. Really? I'm too long on white. That's my all-time favorite. With the veggie patty or just the vegetables? No, no, no, no, no. The fatty's so gross.

No, no, no, no. A piece of cheese and throw some lettuce and tomato. Listen. I like a fucking cheese sandwich. Ain't nothing wrong with a couple pieces of fucking American cheese on white with some mayonnaise. Okay. At 12.30, when you come in with a glass iced tea with ice cubes? Come on now.

Who the fuck you think you're dealing with some fucking novice that wants, oh, let's clean a burger king. No, bitch. Go to your house. A little salami and American cheese on white. I can't take it. I don't know if I can survive. With a fucking mustard.

With some fucking iced tea with your feet up, scratching your nuts, sniffing your fingers, eating that sandwich at the same time. At the same time? You'll eat a sandwich and scratch your fucking nuts. I must have. That's the shit that kings do. You understand. damn me fucking kings

presidents whatever the fuck you call them dictators cult leaders they sit there and eat and they scratch their nuts that's power any fucking body got to have some limo to drive you somewhere let me see you fucking eat and fucking scratch your nuts at the same time this is unbelievable

you know I love you so much Joey do you know that Tom Sagar and my husband and I we have Joey isms around the house just so you know you live in our home all the time number one we call we don't call Kenoa, we call it Kwinnow.

Quinao. As Joey Diaz pronounces it in our home. Quinao. Am I saying it right? I don't even know. It's Kinoa, I think. It's Kinawa, I think. It's Kinau, in our home, thanks to

Joey Diaz. Do you like Kuanow? Do you ever? I think I've eaten it one time on a plane by mistake, like I was stoned. Yes. And they gave it to me on Virgin, because a Virgin American gives you shit like that.

It's a good airline. They give you Kwinau and shit like that. Yeah. And whatever fuck it is. So, the best. One of the best times I had this year was honest to God. And there's a tape that I didn't see for months on it where Tommy goes on Joe's show.

And he tells him about this plane ride we took in the Burbank Airport. And let me tell you something, man. Sometimes I get dark. Like there's some days I wake up and I see something I don't like. And I'm in my head. You don't fucking see it. But I'm in my head. And I'm thinking I'm murdering people and stabbing them.

And I'm standing next to you. And I'll be narrating what's going on in my head. And I'll see things. and I was saying some stuff to your husband I could see in his face he was a little bit fucking scared like he was like what the fuck that I get myself into

and I know the incident in question because that's when my another joyism in our home is whenever somebody gives you an edible you eat like a fraction of it and he learned that lesson on that flight with you. Wasn't that the trip you guys flew in and out together

like on the way back you were sitting on the same plane too? No we had to work together so we had four flights oh I thought that was when you guys met on a different flight Because you, like, you ran into him once. Right, a little while after I ran him to him. And he was going to Milwaukee, and I was going to Grand Rapids, Michigan.

We were both catching connecting flights, and I bumped into him. I gave him edible. Then the second time, we flew together. And that thought, we flew on Southwest. We had to go to Portland, Oregon. And on that flight, we were fucking gone. Like, I must have gotten three anxiety attacks. I thought they just got closed in my eyes and listen to Michael Shrenkman.

The fucking first album. Well, that's what I was going to ask you about the anxiety attack. Because I have a running level of anxiety being a comedian and not knowing the future for employment. You know, it's like an ongoing thing. And I was wondering that about you. So is your inner stuff all day anxiety and weird stuff and stabbing people? Does the pot help you with that? Or does it distract you from your normal thoughts?

Tonight was the first time we smoked in a long time here. Yeah. I just, I didn't eat a lot of edibles this week. Like, I didn't eat edibles. And I just started smoking again, one hit here. I put a pipe outside the house now. So, you see, when I sit in front of the fucking computer, I just keep loading that motherfucker going.

Right. I can't do that. So when I get up now, no more smoking rea in the morning. Like, I used to get up and get high. No, no, no, no. So I just go now until about one or two. And after I finish Jiu-Jitsu, whatever my morning's things are, then I'll smoke two hits on the balcony just to get the party started in my head.

Right. And then at that time, I was going through anxiety because I was on testosterone. Oh, okay. Something was going on with me where I would run out of oxygen and I would take the anxiety out. So I said I went to put a seatbelt on. And I would not breathe. I would not breathe. And then that backup of air would give me stress.

So I went to see a hype, whatever the fuck you call them. Some people that fix your head and she hypnotized me and said that whenever I feel that coming on, to tell myself I'm in my skin and I'm in the island of serenity and stuff like that. Now I don't have that. I do breathing exercise in the morning. That's great. With a monitor, like I told you with the heart rate monitor, but I've been doing them for a while without the monitor.

So, you know, I still get it. Yeah, I have it too. When I go to Jiu-Zitsu, when I start hitting the bag, when I got in the epileptic, there's a point where something happens and I get this skunk sweat that comes out of me. It's the first reaction to your body's working out. And I go into a panic mode. I can feel it.

I go into panic mode. My body doesn't know what to do for a couple minutes. It's transition. And I can smell the sweat. And it covers, it's like humidity. It covers every part of my body. I could feel it everywhere. And after I pass a certain point, boom, it goes away.

But for those 30 seconds, it's go home. You're going to have a heart attack. What if you die, you can't do it. You can't do it. See your daughter again. It's all these negative thoughts shooting in my head. Machine gunning. Machine gunning.

To get out of there, don't do it. It's the same things that happen to me before I go on stage. times, it's like a reverse thing where everything just comes out and tells you you're a loser. You know, you're not going to do it. You're going to bathe you. Yeah, what is that? You know, there's been I was telling Donna Rera at the ice house. That day, at 5 o'clock, I was thinking

to call on the ice house. I caught myself thinking about calling the ice house and going, I'm done. And I knew that if I canceled, I'd have to quit comedy. Like, I was in that deep in my head, ladies and gentlemen. This is three fucking weeks ago. Three fucking weeks ago, I'm sitting on my couch on a Friday, thinking about

why the fuck that I take this weekend at the Ice House with Don Marrera. If I cancel this, I'm going to have to quit fucking comedy because he's going to get after I canceled at 5 o'clock. I pulled the Mitch Hedberg in Baltimore. Remember, he canceled at 5 o'clock on a Friday and shit. He canceled the whole fucking weekend like a month before he died. A lot of people don't remember that.

I don't. I didn't know that. Scraming to fill the spot. Five o'clock. You got three hours to fucking 8 o'clock. This is where you get, ladies and gentlemen. When you're at comics and times, you know, I bet fucking, what's his name? Bacon doesn't get that.

You know, he's perfect. Well, I actually wanted to talk to you guys about It's funny you bring it up Like yesterday, for some reason I had, because I'm getting health insurance And it's going to cost me about 300 a month And I had like this panic attack For almost the entire day

Because you had to spend fucking 300 a month And the Jewism came out Not just that And trust me guys I bet if you went in all the podcast producers I probably make more than most Because a lot of people do it for like 25 a show something like that. So I'm doing fine, but it's not the money I could make if I was in an office or back working on TV. So it's not the money I'm making here isn't enough, but it's just when I got that $300 a month bill. And then like, how do you guys, especially when before you were headlining and actually making enough money, like how did you 8,000 times not just quit?

Oh, it's just, it was the entire day yesterday. And I got home from a podcast late and I was like, I would, It's going to be okay. I have Steve Simone CD and all the stuff. But I don't know how when you're making $15 a set, how you survive that. I'll tell you how. Look, everyone talks shit about drugs and alcohol. Sometimes they're a good thing. Really?

That's it to drink? Absolutely. There are sometimes, you know, 2008 Tom and I got married, and we were living in a one-bedroom apartment in Korea town. We were just barely feature acts. I mean, we had no money. But you know what we did? We had enough money to go to Trader Joe's. every night and buy good food and drink good wine.

And we sat around and we ate prosciutto and cheese and got fat and made pecan pies, you know, every night. But that's something for a span of your time. That's just the shit you got to do because you know you're going to get there. Yeah. And I'm like, like I said, I'm doing, like, it's not like I'm going to be homeless or anything. But I just started dating this girl and she's talking about how much money she's going to make in a couple of years because she's going to be a lawyer.

And she didn't even say it to be mean to me, but I was just thinking like, God, a year ago I was making such and such and now I'm making this and I'm a thousand times happier but like for all day yesterday I was like I'm going to send out job applications I'll do the podcast in the morning again and I just and I can't imagine making $15 at the comedy store we've all heard a lot of your stories Joey but it's just like how like how did you because when you were making money at like a car dealership I'm surprised it took you until when we were before we meant to start thinking about doing that how did you how do you feel on the second of the month me tell the audience how you feel on the

second of the month when you're a feature act. Oh my God. And they don't book features till a week or two before. Yeah. So it takes this courage. Yeah. Is it a courage? Ball's courage, courage, lunacy.

Almost, it's risk-taking to the point of insanity. Like, you're just, but thinking the alternative is worse. The alternative is I go back to law school. I dropped out of law school after two weeks to be a comic. Wow. So the alternative is, I've been fired from 22 jobs. I was fired from or quit. 22 jobs in four years before I became a comedian I didn't have any other options I

fucking blew them all dude this is it what else what's Joey Diaz gonna do for a living besides be a comedian or an actor like seriously like our digital footprint now you can't fucking go work in an office people you know hearing you say all this crazy shit on podcasts and your albums no way this is it it's amazing how you feel on the second of the month he's back to the second it's amazing tell me tell me it's just the scariest fucking thing. Because you just made rent? You just made rent. Yeah.

You probably have three or four maybe $100 gigs that you have to drive on the books. Your rent is $350. You have to pay, let's say, $500 for miscellaneous grocery. In my case, I had child support, a Coke habit. Mm-hmm. You know? So I cut out the building.

I would live on people's couches so I could snort Coke. I gave up my privacy to snort Coke. But back to that question, how you feel in the second. You have to wake up, it's just amazing how you think of your bills and you get scared. Yeah, for about six minutes. Yeah. You get scared. And you tell yourself, okay, so I could borrow.

I got my mom, I got my uncle Tony, this guy let me money. It'll be okay. But then something, any normal human being would go, you know what, I'm going to look for a job. that's the question when you say that to yourself I'm going to go look for a job what do you tell yourself to make yourself believe

that this month is going to pan out what did you choose to tell yourself what would you tell yourself on the fucking eighth when you just got to fuck it listen and people this is what you don't understand we have a budget as a comedian

we have a set budget if you have a flat and you got to buy a tire for $79 there goes your life fucking budget. It's like an American family today. An American family has two children. Okay, I don't know what the cost is of raising two children.

But the average, what's the average American fucking household income? For us, for poor people. Maybe 60, 70, two fucking parents at high school educations. What do they make in this economy? Probably not even that much. Probably maybe it's 50 between both of them. They're working at least. 50, and overtime.

And the man's got to be working overtime. He might have to drive a limo on Saturday and then fucking paint the house on Sunday and the wife has to take care of two kids and have a fucking job. You know, I'm my block. There's a Mexican daycare, which means that we don't close. Yeah? We don't close. There's times I'm fucking coming home at one from a gig, and I see a fucking mom in a couple of car in a Mexican viny van, read up,

and I see the dad with two girls walking out of a fucking apartment building at one in the morning. What do you think I feel like? What do you think it feels like for him to have to drive home now? You've got to assume the guy probably lives an hour. away, 40, 30 minutes away. It's 1.30. It's going to get home, put the girls down. Got to do it all over again tomorrow. I'm going to drop these fucking kids off again.

Probably like six. What's daycare? What's fucking daycare cost all day? A fortune. I mean, guys, you can't. But back to this thing, what do you tell yourself as a comic? I would think of my bills. And for a minute, I would go, well, maybe I'll sell coke. I could always rob this guy.

But then somebody can be, listen to yourself, Joey. It's going to be fine. And that's when I would believe in God. Yeah, you have to. That's when I would believe in God, for some reason or another. What God, I don't know. The Jew God, Santerria, Jesus, Buddha, I believed in somebody. And I closed my eyes and I put it on to the universe that this is going to happen.

And one night you're sitting there and it's the 22nd. Rent is due on the 1st. It always fucking is your same $400. And it's the 22nd. You're sitting there and you probably have 200 in a draw and a sock. but you want to suck some pussy this weekend you want to do some blow you want to buy some weed you know let's say you take a chance you take that 200 and go fuck it

I'm rolling I'm rolling I'm going to Vegas in my mind this is going to Vail I'm going to go to Comedy Store and have a good time and you know what if you believe enough that Monday the phone will ring it'll be the improv with a feature spot for $500 and okay you only get to keep 100 after rent but it's like Mick Jagger said you can't always get what you want but you get what you fucking need And I did that for damn 14, 15 years. Because when I got the longest yard, all I did was that money was pay back.

The money I had borrowed from Christine, $20,000 over the years, the attorneys. I got a chunk of money, but I paid shit out. And by the 17th week, people were reaching out already. The creditors were, you know, he's getting a fucking check. So thank God as that movie was ending, they were already grabbing me, you know. What did you do on the second? Right. Well, that's funny you say that you start to have faith.

You start to go, dear God. I prayed a lot. I would lay in bed and pray and have anxiety and smoke pot to calm myself to fuck down. And then also, I'll tell you what, man, when your back is against the wall, you do shit you normally wouldn't do. You suddenly get the courage to call people you never did before. I mean, I was calling every motherfucker in the Midwest. People didn't know who the fuck I was. I was like, my name is Christina Pajitsky.

I'm on Chelsea lately or I've been on road rules Whatever the fuck my credits are Give me give me work I don't know you That's okay you're gonna know me Get to know me now Because in a few years I'm gonna be a headliner Get to know me

And I just made calls And I fucking hustled And it was full of anxiety And it's hard It's not You know this Oprah shit where she preaches Like you just follow your dreams Like people forget there's a few years

A fucking gap in a bridge Before the dream comes in And when you go to the supermarket You can't tell them. Listen, I'm at that bridge gap. Let me catch you in four years. I don't give a fuck about your dreams. Yeah.

And nobody talks about that span that you're talking about the second. Nobody talks about laying in bed panicking. That's what it was last night. I was like, what the fuck is going to happen? But, yeah, it's just because it's it. Like, it must be why so many people go back to jail. Like, like, Miss Pat and other drugs, like, when you were making money as a not a drug dealer,

like, when you get out and you have to work at, like a McDonald's after a week and you get a $100 check. Like, how do you, like, how do you expect them not to do it? When I got out of jail, I still saw blow. I went, listen, when you get in a halfway house, let's say you're leaving, right? Let's say you're getting ready to leave and they go, where are you going? I'm going to Pizzinsky's house to work. Okay, give me your phone number, so you have to write down a number.

I fucked them up. I got a page. I have questions for you. I got a fucking pageant. Yeah. So if they called me, it would be a pageant. And I call them back and go, what's up? And they go, where are you?

You fucking lie, right? Yeah, you don't have to. And they go, okay, where's Christine Pazinski's? That's 666, suck my dick street. And they go, okay, all right, bye, click. And I say, I could be at least cutting a pound of Coke. And they wouldn't know it. That's why the system is loose.

Those are the holes in the system. They stopped furloughs and shit after some guy in Boston killed somebody. That year before Clinton, I think after Clinton, there was a president that was his sting to stop the furlough. I don't know what happened. So there's no more furloughs, but to make a long story short, they didn't know where I was. I could be robbing the fucking bank and going back to fucking... And what year is this that they did it that way? This is 89. 90.

I got sentenced in 80. In fact, I got sentenced August 15th, 1980. Your anniversary's coming on. Yeah. So I got sentenced. And then those, when I got out, I probably got out in February of 89 or something. So how much time did you do total? Eight months?

Damn. And where did you do your time? time. In Colorado, the place called, first I went to Boulder County Jail. Then they took me to this jail up in the mountains. It was like a ski resort, which was a fucking party. You went to like a white person in jail. No, no, no, but this is when you're waiting to go to, you're still in the county system.

Oh, I see. You're waiting to go to the prison system. The beds are overcrowded, so you have to go to Boulder was packed where they sent me to Summit County Jail. You could give the guards money at night. They go to A&P for you, bring your back. potato chips the TV stand until three but your feet up eat your little wise so I was there for about a month and they shipped me the DOC after the Department of Corrections where you go through diagnostic for two weeks after they get everything when they ship you

to your destination I ended up in a place called Camp George West in Golden Colorado was an old army bags and now I've been watching Orange is the new black I don't know shit about prison I watch lock up a lot Did you have to side with your race? Did you have to like go with, I mean, did you identify white or Latino? No. What did you do? I squorn my wife.

Don't ask me how the fuck I did it. It wasn't the big gang place at that time. It was 1988 guys. It wasn't a big Mexican gang place. They were Mexican guys and they called themselves something, but everybody did business with each other. You know, the fucking Mayapes, the blacks hang out at some place, the fucking Browns hang out at another corner. The peckerwood. as they call white people.

The pecker boys? Peckerwoods. Oh, Peckerwood. Pecklewood is what they call white people in prison. Jews is like three of them. And they sit under a tree. Negotiating and shit. Negotiating.

And then you have white. Pecker Woods, white. And then you have, you know, Mexicans, you have the whatever. And you have a couple of Aryan guys. But they were very cool. You had a guy named Tramp. That was a motorcycle guy that was in there for murder.

And he was a big Aryan guy. But he got along with the black guys. You have to get along with the, you have to get along with. That's great. Now we're all in this fucking thing together, you know. Yeah, and do you think it, I mean, obviously it's changed since then. Like, I don't know if you know. Changed a lot.

Changed a lot. The system is changing. You know, you can smoke in any of those places. You can't smoke no more. As soon as you go to prison, you're smoking. That's fucked up. You're smoking. I don't know about prison. I'm not sure about prison, but I'm sure about the county jail systems.

You cannot smoke in county jails. I know you cannot smoke in Boulder. And in Boulder, they used to give you free cigarettes. They would give you the grouping or the top, whatever, the ones that you roll yourself for the hippies. Wait, so how did you get drugs in prison? Does someone put up their butt and sneak it in? Or how do they get drugs in the prison?

There's all different ways. Like at the place where I was in, the chick would stick up a loom with heroin or crank in her mouth. And when she would make out with the guy, he would swallow it, and then they'd all wait for three days until he'd shit it out. And they'd take it out of this shit. And they shoot it.

Well, did you hear about the guy who just got caught at LAX? No. It was a gay porn star. He was here for like, he was stupid He was here for like three days with no luggage So when he was flying back to I think it was Australia or London It was a virgin flight He was acting all fidgeting

And he ended up having half a pound of meth in his asshole In three different balloons There's got to be a better way Right? Joey, there's a better way to smuggle meth Than putting it in your asshole Fettle Express I say it once I say it again People do it every fucking day

Right Felt Express, UPS You're not looking Matt? Fuck, no. Send it to a fake adjury. You know, the way you send that shit is to Lee's house under a different name. Right. Yeah. And you do it just right. So I would send it to Lee's house under Joe Banana's name and leave and take it and then put it on. The cops are still going to go to your house on watch. Oh, okay. They know it's in there. So they'll go to your house and watch to see if you keep it. If you take it and then just put in the garbage and watch the garbage for an hour too, make sure no little kids go over there. and then when everybody disappears, go back and grab it,

and now you know for sure. Sorry, say that's part again. So the cops watch you and if you accept the package. If they exceed the package. This shit that comes to my house every fucking day, that belongs to somebody else who lived there before. You understand me? So the sender's sending it from somewhere else.

Right. And the guy at Lee's house is Pete Holmes. I'm just using the name. Pete Holmes. He's a porno guy, right? Yeah. Pete Holmes. Boom.

Fucking Lee Syatt's house. So I don't accept the package You don't accept it You don't even know now You get home from work And it's sitting in front of your house Gotcha And you look at it

With the rest of your luggage And you don't know You walk in, leave it on the table For a little while Just in case the cops are outside Gotcha And then put it on your thing You know

When you put mail back on your thing We went out there for a few hours If the cops don't come get it And now you got yourself Three pounds of fucking meth Or whatever the fuck there UPS and all the other shit's probably It's got to be dogs

At these fucking places gotta be dogs at these fucking places I'm just, you know That's why When I went home after the first year Of working with you, you gave me a couple edibles And you said to just pack it And I got too scared to put it in the x-ray

And like with the check bags So I had in my backpack But now they're doing like Second TSA checks Like they'll bring a little cart to the front Oh I was so scared I didn't pop by the time See I didn't pop anything

I popped that motherfucker on the sky Listen when I go through When I was in San Jose What's his name? Gave a chibbutch. Butch? Gave a 70 milligram chibach chew. And I put it in my pocket.

And when I got up the next one, I was cleaning out my pants. I put my shorts on it. It was in there. And I just put it in my pocket. At the fucking airport on the security line, I realized I got a cheebo chew in my pocket. I just put it in a thing. Just eating. Next to my shoes with the fucking phone and the shoes, and I wait for it to go by.

And I took my cheebo chew and blasted it when I ate bricks. Now, I also heard, I knew a girl that would put weed in her cooch, not in her cooch. be like under underwear right under your cooch. That's a good place to put it. Like there's like a pocket sometimes in women's underwear and that's like a really good place. Right. That's a great place to worry. Yeah. Because who's going to really search your...

And you take a little blood and you put it on there. So even if they do take your pants off, you know what I'm saying? You put a little fucking blood in that snatch. And that shit is good to go. Ain't nobody going to touch that little wounded bat. There you go. Now I also have another question. White Lightning.

Did you ever drink any prison Hooch? Yeah. White Lightning or Pruno, as they call it. A couple guys made it, but no. I don't see you drinking. I did heroin in prison. I did crank, like meth, like two or three times, with this white dude Clark from Philadelphia.

Taddle up, big motherfucker tough. Not muscle. He was big, like he was muscular at one time, but when I met him he was like 34. I had to be like 28, and he dug me. He was from Philly, had freckles and shit. He was Irish, and his chick. would come in, that's who would ship the MET out.

So I would walk by his room and see him and his cronies, like waiting for the Mets, like, you know, this is the end of the world. But I was slick. I used to visitation is Saturdays and Sundays. I didn't want a visitation on Sunday. I want to get my dicks up. So I took visitation on Mondays and Tuesday, so I had this huge room all to myself. And I'd make my girlfriend come in with a skirt with no undies on.

So I could eat that fucking monkey right there at the visitation table. And I would sit under the window. So there would be a guard outside your door with a window. So I would make it sit on my face and look out the window and make sure the guard wasn't looking. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with, Lisa? Mondays and Tuesday, she was allowed to bring food. So they would go to the food

and see what was in there and they'd give it to me. And then there was a Crip kid. There was a badass Crip. His name was Toray Piles. And I became friends of them. I loved them. I was also in prison with the Cursie sisters from the 80s.

They won the Olympics and shit. The Cursey join her. Really? She had a brother. I was locked up with him. He was a big motherfucker, too. I still remember his face. I still remember a lot of those guys.

I had a lot of good, I had a lot of good laughs in there. I was scared when I went in there. Not physically scared, but inside of you, you have to have doubts, and you have to have a little fear. If not, you're not fucking normal. People don't know, I wasn't scared, whatever. I had a little bit of fear. But I didn't show it.

Yeah. You know, I was really good at not showing it, so I did okay. But I had a lot better time than I thought I was going to have is what I'm trying to say. I really did. That's so interesting because I think that's my greatest fear is going to prison. I'm very afraid of that. And being alone and with your thoughts.

And also, do the prison guards mess with you? They're assholes, right? Like they're out to get you kind of stuff. It's a psychological beat down. Prison is not. You know, only in the movies where they put Lee in the fucking thing with murders. You know what I'm saying? Right.

In real life, you get categorized. They're not going to put white collar crime with fucking crips and gang fucking bangers. You know, I was a kidnapper. I got accused of kidnapping, and I pleaded to second-degree burglary an accessory to a felony. What's that felony? They kidnapped.

My attorney weaved through it, and they got it non-violent. Nice. Kidnapping is as violent as it fucking comes. My attorney hired a public investigator, to get it non-violent. And we came up with facts from different people. So he went to different people that he grew up with.

And they asked him different stories. We never getting into a fight, his temper. But we had to fly the guy out to Jersey. He asked people questions. You know all those fucking people are. They don't want to answer nothing. They don't know nothing. I had to call him up eight times.

If the guy comes to your house, let him in. Nobody will let the fucking guy in. You know, so it was just a... So that's only in the movies. So you're with people that are also nerds that, you know, they were in there for getting drunk and running somebody over by mistake. Which can happen to anybody. It could happen to anybody.

It's really not that crazy. I was in there with a kid that I remember still his face and how scared he was every day. He was petrified. And his parents would come see him every Saturday and Sunday and they were petrified. And at the end of the visit, the whole family would cry and the sister would cry. And it was so sad because this would never happen to them. This was like, you know, like they didn't have a dream of this. You can tell these were nice white people.

Right. They were the waltons. You know, this shouldn't happen. And the kid told you, the kid goes, I never drank. I went to a fucking fret party, whatever the fuck those things are. Yeah. And they made them do the fucking beers, and he got in the car without nothing. Boom.

And he hit some fucking guy on a bicycle in Colorado Springs. Bam, eight years. How could happen to any of that? Just like that, you dumb fuck. For having a cocktail. It can happen with anything. I know. Anything.

You're trying on the way home. You can't see nothing. I can't fucking see it at night. These jerk walks come out with a fucking bicycle. The bicycle ones make me crazy. The bicycle makes me fucking crazy. Are you out of your mind? Those are the biggest bald people in the world.

To ride a bicycle in this fucking neighbor. Listen, when I see three Asians in the neighborhood, I ain't ride no fucking bicycle behind cars. And I love you. I'm not saying nothing bad, but you don't want to ride a bike around fucking Asians. I told me my story of the day when the Asian drove me off the fucking cliff in Boulder and the teacher ripped this thing up here.

You can't even write that shit. And the Chinese kids sitting there all fucking confused. So why is that your biggest? fee of prison. You're a nice person. Oh, I won't go to prison. I have my stepfather, my mother remarried to a man that was a criminal. And, you know, we got a lot of money real quick, and then all the money disappeared by my senior

year in high school, the IRS took it away. I just, I think, it scares me to think, because I'll get, like, pounded and stuff. Like, I'm just afraid of getting beaten up. Like, you didn't see fights or anything? Like, those people aren't psychos that beat the shit out of each other for no reason. That kind of stuff scares me.

You know what? I had until a couple of fights you know and I got beat up one time I didn't get beat up but I got put in a uncompromising position and we broke it up and me and the guy were friends it was just a misunderstanding he had a bad temper I had a bad temper I stepped on a chair and he pushed me you know you follow

me so as I went to die for him there was a counter and I slipped and he had me against the counter he could have hit me I had his shoulders but it didn't so in my world he's still going to beat the fuck out of me you follow I got this the same biker that I shit in his box and put in his draw yeah I finally got him day in the weightlifting room. I got this guy. I got this fucking guy. You hit him with a weight

or something? No, I grabbed him by his hair. If I was a man, I would never have long a head. Never, it's bad. The first thing I go for is an earring. Yes. After 30, I would go for a fucking earring because I'm not a tough guy and I got to shock you. I got to get in and out. My mentality is to get it out of that. I rip your fucking earring off of your gold chain. I grab your gold chain. I twist that motherfucker around till it breaks or you're fucking breathing for a hair turning purple. I don't what I'm going to fuck.

So I took this guy, I was in the way, and this guy used to always bust my balls. He used to make a little remarks to me whenever he was around his little biker buddies. And one day we got into a conversation about the hot album when I was in prison. There was three hot albums. What's that?

We're going to laugh. I want you to play... Let me finish the story. I used to, and I'll do an impersonation for you, love this shit. This kid was a biker kid. One day we were having a conversation. Clark was a biker.

The kid that gave me the speed was a big-ass bike with brown hair, big motherfucker, good-looking dude. And he was my entry into that thing. Nobody fucked with me because I knew Clark from Philly. But he didn't like me. There was like two dudes that looked at me kind of weird. They always made Italian remarks. They made stupid remarks in me.

But this guy one day we were talking about Mr. Brownstone. Mr. Brownstone, unless you're a fucking moron, it's about fucking heroin. Okay? Mr. Brownstone won't fucking leave me alone. It's about fucking heroin. This idiot and his buddy tried to be cute. I tried to pull

like, they try to be like comedians. You know that when you do a podcast with comedians? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They try to be cute. So you took it in the ass and he was trying to be cute. So I first shit in the box. I took the shit. No, that's not the song. I took the shit and I shit in the box and I fucking put in

this drawer. And after about a month, he found this was like a 22-inch shit when I put it in this box. Really? It was a cheese box, welfare cheese. They said, that's what you eat in prison. They just slice and tell you it's American cheese. I took the cheese out.

I took the shit. I had to fit in the box, and I took a flag that we put in BLT, is American flag. There you go. And I put it in a piece of shit, and I put the lid on it. And put in this drawer. And this motherfucker didn't find it for like four weeks. He finally found it.

And he was like, going through somebody's shit in my thing. And I thought that would satisfy me with him, but it didn't. And I knew I wanted to, I wanted to. I wanted to jack this motherfucker. You did. So I had like a month left in there. I knew I had gotten my reconsideration. So you were on your way out.

You knew this is your last chance. But I didn't. If you know anything about Joe Diaz, this guy was not getting away with this. I knew something. I was either going to steal his radio. Something. His jacket.

Something was going to go down. And I'm in the wait room. And the wait room was slashed a combination of weight room laundry room. So he was in there doing lunch. You could pitch your laundry in for the weekly thing that don't cost you nothing or if you prefer to do linger on your own that had two machines in that.

You could go in that. So I'm lifting and he's talking shit to me. And it's just me and half. And there ain't no cameras. Oh. And I asked him, what happened? And he goes, you know, he's one of those guys? You know those dudes that smoke a cigarette

and they laugh when they smoke? Like, he liked, like, that fucking song I can't stand. The boys are back in town. I hate that fucking song. I fucking hate that song. It makes me so angry. Because if you're a guy

and you sit around with your buddy, Shoot yourself tonight. Don't even let the podcast finish. Those fucking morons. You know which ones I'm talking about? The boys are back and they sit, look at each other like, we're the boys. And meanwhile, there's nobody sitting by them. They got no strippers, they got no drugs.

Nerds. They got no jobs. They got nothing. They're nerds. But those guys in high school that were cool and the one guy, and he would always smoke a cigarette and he'd go, those jerkballs. And he said some, and I'm like, what you?

you said? I'm like, well, let me talk to you. And I went up to him as peaceful. Like, I tried to really work on my body energy, in my face. I really wanted to get red because they didn't even know I was going to knock him out. But I didn't even do that. I walked them too slowly. I asked him a question. What'd you say?

And I fucking grabbed both his hairs. He had long hair coming down. And I had done that before. And I remember that I loved that movie. And I grabbed this hair, but I got it. That's how you do. Right away. And I pulled him down, and he was. And he was wide open.

By the time he grabbed my fucking wrist, it was just uppercuts. Bam, bam, man. But here's what I did even better. I got him and I punched him. He grabbed my wrist, so I had nowhere to go. So I put his hand around his fucking ears. Brung his head again. There was a bulletin board.

You know, Christian meeting 8 o'clock in the library. I banged his fucking head. You motherfucker, motherfucker. And everything that I had gotten in, like every rage that I had. And when I finished, I could say his eyes were all fucked up. Somebody came in. What's going on in there? and that was it he never even spoke to me

to like out of there that money and he went back and reported to the commissioner but the commissioner was Clark so commissioner said yeah you goofed on him what the fuck I'm not gonna go after him because he you fuck it you got fucked up now handle it he wasn't gonna handle it I rocked this fucking world he had never seen somebody grab your fucking head

and cup your ears and bang your fucking head against the door that's Juan Poirot type shit don't be cruel by Bobby Brown that's a good mood oh I love that time that's funny Bobby Brown I used to get into fights with black girls and they were always seeing this shit Let me tell you something. In seventh grade.

I know that I said this on the Berg-Crycia podcast, that we're Felicia and Berg-Crischer, that you don't know what people go, well, what's prison like? I go, you don't know what black people like that you go to prison. People think black people yelling the movie theater, don't go to prison. I bet.

Because they don't shut the fuck up all night long. Yo, Torrell. But right here, who got from the beginning? This is what my bully used to sing to me. Okay, so there would be four black guys. ECHY. Antoine Spencer, aka chicken. It would be graveyard, this other badass nigger, right?

Badass niggas, right? And Toree Pows. Put it from the beginning. I didn't. And they'd be put it from the beginning. And they'd be like playing cards. Yeah, niggum. And also, this would come on.

And the fucking, it was like African man. They would just start fucking going nuts. You shit. Four black guys, 16 yons watching. And I'd be the only white doing there. Yeah, yeah. I'd be fucking loving it off the energy. They'd be hugging me and shit.

Cuba dance but there's a part fast forward how much like three four minutes when he goes when this goes when this just goes when they're just right rack the rap part yeah there you go right here thank that they would lose their mind there was ever to love that I never been found I gave you my mind but a two-love you would never find oh shit but there's a guy's light out there that won't say no And I want you, Jackie. What? And the fucking yums would just be going crazy.

And I would sit there and go, to be with me, Bobby B, or with a bad attitude, I can't compete. Now you know my name, now you know my game. You want to be with me? You're going to be the same. What? What? Oh shit.

Oh shit. So good. Can I tell you when I was in public school fighting with black girls, this album came out that same year. And I went since seventh grade. And she would sing every little step. This bitch, Rosina Johnson, who used to fuck me up. And what I learned from the Mexican girls, that hair move that you're talking about,

that's what the Cholas did. I grew up here in the San Fernando Valley. That's a money move. And I would watch the Cholos. They pull some girls. I saw them pull a fucking braid clear off a girl's scalp. That's how you do it. You fucking wrap it.

And then you pull the bitch's head down and then you punch her head. That's how you do it. Now, I didn't do that. I just defended myself. I tried to fight this black bitch. She was big, dude. She was way bigger than me, and she would punch me in the stomach. And I could just, you know, I could flailed.

I just swung. But they're brutal, dude. She was brutal. Now, to get back to Christina's question. Go ahead. When we got to talking about being on the podcast, Christina asked me if I said the word nigger and got away with it. And we discussed it.

Yes. So did you see how excited I got? I said, nigger. They're in a black person in America that's insulted right now. That's right. Because they know, I'm not lying. When 88, when this album came out, Bobby Brown, that whole movie,

that before that part, there's a part where it's not him singing, and they're just going nuts. They would, I never saw that. It was like, you know, when you see the Zulus going up and down like that, that's what it was, only 200 years later. I'm sure you already have like five tweets,

though, from angry white people. Fuck them, fuck them. Right away, they want to save the world. Suck my dick, all right? If black people don't get men, mind your fucking business. If you like black people so much, Go suck a black cock.

How's that cop suckers? Put that in your fucking stupid, activist sensitivity, fucking act. You dumb fox. I love black people. And the reason why I said that to answer Christine's question. It's not what you say,

it's how you say it, ladies and gentlemen. I didn't say nothing bad about him. They know they would jump up. Graveyard had a big Afro. And he would jump up and now with a big chest to be with me. He would look like he would fucking like he was like the Zulu guy.

It was tremendous. Trimba was tremendous experience. Yeah, and I do. I talk about getting in a fight with this girl, Rosina, on stage all the time, and black people love it the most. They come up to me after, and they're like, girl, you crazy, I love it. Like, they love that shit.

They love that shit. They know it. Yeah, it's funny, because the end bomb, people are so sensitive about the word. But yeah, but you're right. It is context, and I don't think that you and I, like, there's no hate behind your story. When I told you why I got away with it, what did I say? Because you have no hate in your heart about it.

I said, because I'm a nigger. Oh, because that too. I got no hate in my heart, and I'm a fuck a nigga myself. So they know it. You know it at home. If you're black, you're watching me going, yeah, you got problems.

You got problems, dog. So, what's up, Liza? I can see your eyes. It's starting to close. I can see you over there. I caught you dreaming about a co-cut sub from subway on 12 inches. I think when that Green Hornet melted

it got stronger. Yes, it did. That was a beautiful Greenhorn. The fucking Greenhornet Gumi Man melted in the 104 degree weather today. Oh, shit. I ate one when I went to meet my wife

for coffee. And the other one melted. I get in the car. It's liquid. I'm like, oh, leaves going to be pissed. It's Wednesday night. I went home, my wife put in the freezer for Uncle Joey. That shit tripled an intensity. Nice. I fucking high, too.

Oh, now I wish I'd have to drive. That's right down the street. But it's funny you said, like, when you're talking about anyone could, like, hit somebody when they're drunk. I got drunk for the first time last week, and luckily I walked to the bar. But I used to. You have to. You got mad at me once when people thought I was driving drunk. Oh, my God. I called you fucking yelling. And I wasn't.

But, like, I drove a couple times drunk, and driving high gets a little bit nerve-wracking, but that's terrible driving. It's a paranoia. I don't like driving high either. That's where I'm on the bicycle front. No, you're not. Yes, I am. I'm going on the high. What do I need? The high is three blocks away. What do I'm going to fucking ride the car for? Are you in there tonight after this? Yeah. Why not? I'm going to go do a set, go home. I got to go swimming tomorrow with a baby. That's adorable. 10 o'clock. Then I'm going to go to J-Git to at 1230. and I'm going to fucking smoke dope and watch Maron. Hey, um.

Come on, I'm going to car picks me up at 8. I'm shooting a fucking Reno like a doctor. Okay. Fuck them. Okay. That's exciting, your Marion episode. So what's that, have you talked about that a lot already? I don't want to reiterate.

No, we haven't. I mean, you said you were on it, but you obviously can't tell the story yet. No, I don't want to tell the storyline. Then they'd say, you joy, you're a spoiler alert, motherfucker. Just make sure you watch it. Tomorrow night at 7, fucking a clock. On IFC. Whatever.

And I was very fortunate. You know, he got me on the podcast, and the executive producer heard it and said, I want to write something for you to do your thing, and they booked me. Oh, that's so great. He was very real. And it was great because it was a fellow comedian that came through her, Mata Z. And two guys have done that for me, besides Joe, Lewis C.K. And my man, fucking Mark Marin.

So I'm very fortunate. So what comedy Central don't like me. So what fucking. Oh, they don't like me either. Don't worry about it. The old guys don't like me. So what anybody don't fucking like me. You don't want, oh, you need three, four people you get through in this fucking life.

The rest of them just suck you in there. Can I tell you? You're right about that. Because not everybody likes me there. There's certain festivals won't have me for years. There's clubs we'll never have me. The point of the story is, I was thinking about you. I think about you a lot, actually, and why Tom and I both just love you.

It's because you don't give a fuck. And in this era of comedians, I feel like the corporatization of comedy has destroyed it completely. And you're of that generation. Like, you're, you're my mind. me of the Sam Kinnison era of that fucking golden age where people just said shit and there wasn't there was no holding back like I feel like you're it's so good what you do and it's so awesome I'm a student of how I grew up I grew up watching Samson the seventh grade me too that's the best show I grew up watching Chico on the man if you watch the honeymoon

you'll go Joey Diaz is stealing everything I'm fucking oh right sure Jackie Gleason But I love Norton. I think Norton is the comedy genius in that. Jackie Gleasing is a pattern. Norton has fucking specific fucking timing. I watched the episode two days ago. I'm still laughing. I'd probably seen the episode 110 times.

He gets a letter that if his tongue's turning blue, he's got this disease. So he tells Norton, and Norton goes, why don't you sell your fucking story to a magazine? So they go to the magazine. He sells the story. He gets home. his wife, his wife goes, no, that was the dog. The dog is going to die.

But he wanted to leave money for Alice. So that's why he sold the story, $50,000. He died Alice would have money. What a beautiful fucking thing. This is two white writers in the room, two Jews that didn't get enough son. That's how he described them in his book. There were two Jews that didn't get enough sum in him.

And this is what they wrote every fucking day, Jackie Gleason. That's why I admire him. Listen, man, he's one of my guys. John Candy's my main mom. motherfucker, but he comes in because of his work ethic. So he writes his thing, he goes home, and they tell him, if you're lying, if you don't die, we're going to fucking kill you.

We're going to take you to jail and all this. We're going to take you to prison, and lock you in there for 20 years. So when he finds out he's not dying, he goes to Norton, and he goes to Norton, and he goes, Norton. I got to go in there tomorrow and give him the money back and tell him I got a problem.

And he goes, what am I going to go out? He goes, why don't you go on there and tell him they, a doctor that called you and you don't have monochromia, and you're going to live, and give him the check back. And he goes, all right. He goes, who am I going to find to play the doctor? And Norton?

And Norton's like, don't touch me. I'm sterile. So that's where it starts. It goes to commercial. Next time you come back, you see both of them in the office, and Norton's got a goggle on. What's that shit? A monocle?

Yeah. He's got a monocle on with a thing. And the guy comes over and around, how are you doing this doctor, whatever, from whatever. And he goes, here's the check and the thing. I found out I'm not dying. He's going to kill me. Thank you for the opportunity.

He goes, wait. He goes, just like it. He goes, why don't we do a story on the doctor? And he's like, no, no, he's very shy. And Norton goes, a few pictures wouldn't hurt. What the fuck? You know, that's how. But he's timing, his timing, Christina.

He goes, Dr. Norton, what college did you go to? No, he goes, what school did you attend? And Norton looks at Ralph. He goes, PS86, Oyster Bay. And he goes, no, what medical school? What fucking medical school? And Ralph goes, Oxford. He goes in England.

And Norton goes, oh. this is that where it is. I mean, that's little fucking nudges that. So that's what I grew up watching, Christine. That's my mindset. I also grew up that you're a man. I grew up watching men. I grew up watching the Jerry Lewis roast,

whatever, Dean Martin roast. That's a shit, man. Where you were allowed to drink while you were roasting people and getting fucked up. Fucked up. Dean Martin would get fucked up. Okay, these were men, and they acted like men. And it was a different thing. It was just a different brotherhood.

It was one for all. These guys did everything together. I feel now we're against each other. I feel now that even when you see these comedians, you know they don't fucking like you. No, I hate that. What do you think I'm a fucking idiot? I know when somebody likes me,

I don't know when somebody don't like me, I know when you're eyeballing me, I know when you're giving me the fucking evil lie. You know, I ain't that fucking retarded. Well, because it's all business. I think everybody's so involved in the business that they've forgotten what the fun of it is, just to go to the club, let your dick hang out,

try new jokes, back of the room that's what it is to be a comic and you know what really kills me what you're saying about this old school drinking smoking i grew up watching johnny carson who's the fucking g-o-d of the tonight joe not this pussy uh dog shit uh felon who's not even a fucking comic are you kidding me this guy he does a good job i know but i can't watch he's doing a good job for 2014 i can't It's not the shit we grew up on. And that's why I can't. When fucking Joan Rivers was hosting one day.

And fucking Vanity was there. The chick vanity was there. She was dating Prince. She was dating Prince. And Joan was ripping into a national television. That's how you doing? Like, you know, you're dating Prince. You know, he makes Michael Jackson look like a green beret.

I mean, she was going off on it. You know, and Freddie Prince was going to take off of Johnny Carson. Now, Puerto Rican, if Freddie Prince wouldn't have shot himself, He would have taken it off of Johnny Carson. History would have been completely fucking different. Nobody remembers that shit. Then Jay Leno came in. I remember when Jay was the host.

And when he hosted, but that's what it became. When it was, listen, you could meet people. Like, you meet people. But they're not your friends. I mean, I'm at El Colchay. I worked with Al Cool Jail for two fucking days. We laughed from Bell to Bell both days. I didn't go up to him and take his number.

He didn't take him. I shook his hand and I went my way and he went his fucking way. When you watch the Tonight Show with, what's his name? Carson. It was like he had a relationship.

Yeah. Everybody that came on. Now sometimes you watch it, Leland. You're like, who's this fucking 18-year-old girl? Carson would never put that bitch on. Well, how long did it for a while, right? Didn't he do for like decades?

Carson would never put that woman on. And I watch it. There's a great documentary about Johnny Carson on Netflix. I highly advise that. This motherfucker was on TV from the beginning of television. Like literally they invented TV in his small town and I forget where he's from the middle of nowhere Nebraska.

Really? I think so. I think so. I think so. Yeah. And he's like, I'm going to go on this thing called television. And then he comes to L.A. and he gets on the Tonight Show. They give him his show.

So he's way back in the day this motherfucker started. And yeah, I know what you're saying. There was a genuineness, I think, two people. Iowa. Because there wasn't a lot to gain from other people. like there is now maybe? I don't know. Maybe there's, it just seemed like it was a more genuine thing, a more genuine time or something. When I got off the blow, the mission statement of my recovery in the back of my head, I'm not talking to you people like an AA guy, I'm talking to you

people how I looked at my recovery was the most important thing when my recovery was getting my manhood back. That cocaine, I had a dick, and I had a cock, and I would still smack in the face, I didn't have my manhood. I didn't have the balls to tell somebody no. I didn't have the balls to tell this white powder no. So my mission, when I got recovered, like the first 30 days of my mission was to get my manhood back. I knew it would take me a year.

And when I mean my manhood was what the addiction took away, the shit I ate in Hollywood, because I was scared that they wouldn't book me again, or I was scared that I would go to jail and not be able to do my little precious cocaine. When I took that away, my man, who I was when I was 12 and 13 when I was fucking nuts. Do you understand me?

When Bruce Lee died, the anger I had in my fucking heart was tremendous, you understand me. And then my mother died, you know, so this built up, but I went back to Coco. I went back to just Coco, you know, regular Coco. That's why I wanted to go back to, and this is why I know good things have happened to me since 2007. I got married, I had the child, but most important, I got my balls back. You know, I don't give a funk in my work anymore. I don't give a fuck about your TV primes.

I don't give a fuck about anything. Number one, you better talk to me like a man and respect me like a man, and I'll respect you the same. And I'm going to fucking own up to it. And that's the number one problem that you're trying to describe, and you don't know what to put your men on. We're dealing with a bunch of fucking cunts. We're dealing with guys.

Pussies. Yeah, I agree. And you people at home should be ashamed of yourself because you buy into this. You buy into these fake people. Yeah. They're fucking fake. 80% of those people are fake.

When you hear him talking, it's something somebody else heard, and they're just saying it to be cooling in the next guy. So you go, oh, my God, even who likes puppies, this guy, which give his fucking girlfriend, Clemity up your fucking ass. But you're at home thinking, oh, my God, he's so sweet. You fucking jerk off. Half of these fucking people that you see. And that's who we're missing.

We're missing that manhood. I agree. I could fucking, I'm in this hand, I could tell you. Yeah, there's a thousand comics. And, oh, my God, he's so. There's five fucking men out there doing comedy. Men, men. Men. The rest of them are fucking children fucking around. But there's men. And that's what you people, that's what you're missing. That's what I miss. That's why you see me with three people, two people, all the time. Because I miss men. I miss men. We're comedians. But before we're fucking comedians, we're fucking men.

I'm a man, too. And, you know, when you are a female comic, you have to, for a female to succeed in comedy, when she feels her ovaries kicking in, she's got to grab her balls. I do. All the time, I let my nuts at it. A lot of women are hung on Joey, Jesus Christ, look at all the female comedy careers. Yeah, that's true. It's when they become a woman, that it's all over.

Yeah. It's all over. Once they become a woman, my wife just became a woman. There's girls that do comedy. But once they become a woman, it's hard to convince a woman to do fucking comedy. What do you mean by that? Wait, wait. Do you mean that they become mothers or they become feminine?

Their life changes. They see a life experience. They see the same thing I saw at 44. All you dummies are fucking kids. I'm a man. I've been a man for 10 years, but I didn't even know I didn't wake up into this. And, you know, every woman takes a break. Except Joan Rivers, but they all take some type of break or, you know, something.

and that break and I'm not saying all of them but I'm saying a majority of them just disappear. Yeah. And the reason why they'll disappear is because you become a woman and it's very hard.

It's like me. I have a child. I do a podcast twice a week at six. One day at six, when I fly out, I fly out early. You could only do so much. When you're a kid, you say yes to everything.

Right? Lee, come over. Let's snow a heroin and you light your ass all on fire. Yeah. One day you're like, whoa, I'm not fucking driving over there. Yeah. It's over.

Once you see. it for what it is. Once you see behind the curtain, that's what it is to become a man to become a woman. You can't put one over on me no more. Understand? It's over. Society, it's over. Life, you're done. That's it. I ain't taking shit no more. That's why the who made that song.

There's a part in your life, and you go, that's it. You're done. I've seen it for what it is now. Yeah, me too. And then you see it again. When you're 50, then you see it again when you're 56. And you see it again when you're 61. The longevity of it, you see the field more. That's all it is. We're seeing the playing field more. It was a good

quarterback, a good quarterback is somebody who sees the fucking field. Yeah. If you see a bad quarterback, he only sees 30%, 40%. You got to know what everybody's fucking doing. And that's, once you see it, I think that, that's what happened to me. You know, I did something. I went off on somebody one night that I'm still, people still get mad at me. A lot of industry people don't talk to me about.

But that was the first movement to me to become a man. I stuck up for myself. You don't know how many, how many times if people talk to you weird in this town? Like every day. I had a meeting with a, executive last week where the guy was on his phone the entire time when I was talking pulled out dick pics in the meeting I'm like are you fucking kidding me like yeah now if they do that six years and now yeah you might just reach over and smack that

mother and eyeball him till he take and tell him put the phone and work work and put the phone down before I show up your fucking ass you took me out to this fucking meeting to waste my fucking time. And the other two Gentiles to the table, they'll be frozen. You know why? Because nobody

ever did that in this town. And when people do that, right away, you think your career is over. Your career's never over. Ask Kat Williams. Doing HBO special with Spike Lee. So you could call the whole

fucking, the whole audience, a bunch of fucks. You don't see the rest of the comics doing that shit. Ain't nobody else doing what he's fucking doing. Yeah. And he gets arrested every other week. So what does that tell you?

What does that tell you? People buy the image. Can I tell you one thing you said to me at a barbecue at Bert's house a while back? You were like, just say no. See what that feels like. Just say no. And I did. I took your advice and I decided to make an increase in how much I make doing stand-up

and what I will do and I won't do. And I just remember you and I just said no. I said no three times and then I got what I wanted. And I thought, wow, wow. the power of no. I had no idea that it was as simple as going, yeah, no, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck.

I won't go work at Starbucks before I'm going to do that. No, no, no, no. Tell your mother. Tell you, that's what you got to tell these people. Tell your mother. I know. That's what I know. I know.

Oh, my God. I have this thing for you. Oh, my God. Listen, they're doing this thing on Sunday the 18th up in a park in San Francisco. A bunch of marijuana. We want you and Lee to come up and do a podcast. It's going to have 80,000 people.

We're not going to pay. And we're not going to pay. And I'm like, no, no, they were going to pay like $300. No plane ticket in the hotel for us. And all the weed you could smoke. Well, listen, we take one it and we're good to go. No Cheebo choose. And I'm like, no.

And they couldn't believe it. They couldn't. Well, what do you mean now? No. We really don't understand what's going on. We've called, that's calling people. No, no. We're seeing for what it is.

We're not going up there and doing your festival. Your festival's doing us. And you're paying us. Those 80,000 people are going to pay each a quarter to fucking see us. Because we deserve it. We get up early. We do podcasts, we twit, we communicate. It's what the fuck we do.

This is hard work on our fucking end. You know, I'm not doing shit. You know, I got a call this morning from the improv. He was calling for something else. That was what he called for for something else. Let me tell you how it works, people, okay? The improv is a phenomenal chain. There are backbone.

There are, whatever, but they have little kinks in their game. They're also corporate, like anything else. Everything else is corporate, and you've got to do certain things. But they can't explain what they do. They can't explain why they pay Christine a certain amount. and where they pay somebody who's a certain management company a certain amount, which is doubling what Christine's got. Right.

Because it's their client. So these are all the things that you people don't know about behind the scenes. I'm giving them to you right now. And if you're a woman, by the way, they will try to fuck you a thousand times. And I know what my husband gets. And then I go, no, no, motherfuckers. I know what he's getting to do that. And we have the same podcast.

Go fuck yourself. Of course. Sorry. Go ahead. Very fucking weird. So you people are hearing this shit for a thing. So what they'll do is they'll pay you some money for a while. God forbid

there's a holiday or just what they try to do they look for you to fuck up so they could offer you less and justify why you did less well that Wednesday you did it to your oh we don't know you only had 180 people

listen when you do it for this price sell tickets and then you're like no and they can't somebody else can't okay you know there's a thousand the reason why we don't have no balls We don't have any power on our end is because there's 1,800 suckasses.

That'll do it for nothing. We'll do it for nothing and eat the guy's asshole out and clean the bathroom and whatever. I work from strength. I put 20 years in my life into this. The same way a plumber or an electrician puts 20 years,

I want, I'm getting to me, you know what I'm saying? That's it. The game is over. So this motherfucker calls me for something. And the meanwhile, he goes, hey, I spoke to your agent, and we want to give you Irvine Sunday, August 3rd.

Listen, at 7 o'clock, on a Sunday on Irvine. Good luck. And they know this. He's like, you know,

he said to me, it's brand new, people want to come see it. Not on Sunday. No on Sunday, though. Well, I understand.

Understand. First, I got a family. I got to leave my house at dinner time to go do your fucking show. On the Lord's Day, too.

On the Lord's day. Is that like why UFC fighters turned down fights? Because the only thing good, there was nothing good going to come from you doing Irvine on Sunday.

So like, when they gave John Jones like a chale, I think he turned down right? Yeah. And like there's nothing good going to come out of it. What move am I going to make you?

This is a business. And people at home got mad. Well, fucking, he's a pussy. He won't fight chale. Really? Who's there? Chale's got a two-year suspension. John Zones about to fight damn fucking call him in.

This is a business. You guys thought this was two fucking yams going, jumping up and down. No. This is a guy that's got people around him that before he makes a decision. When you call my house now for a gig, if you call me and I'm on the road,

I'll tell you call me back Monday. Well, I need to know by tomorrow, Monday, then we can't do it. Okay, I'll call you back Monday. You couldn't do it. Yeah. And when he calls me in my house, I'm the fucking thing. I have a list that I ask. So they can't swindle me no more.

They can't catch me off guard, whatever. I have a certain list that I look at, and it's a countdown. And if they follow the whole list, everything's good, then I book the fucking gig. Right. It happens with regular jobs, too. One of the last TV jobs I got called for, was a night job and they say

that you're gonna work six days but you never work six days and never it never happens you can leave early and oh it's only 1,200 and I know you should be getting 15 but we only have 12 and it feels so good

to turn it down but it's, that's why like that's why I'm a little bit pro-union I don't really know it but I kind of wish there was a union that I could join because it kills I'm sure I'm sure Plummer's listening

get really pissed off when a new plumber comes in and does the job for 50 when if they did it for 200 with the good guy it'd be done and the 50 guy is going to break it and ruin it and now everyone hates plumbers that's what a low-balling really pisses me off well here's the deal for a union to be

I had a great experience with a union growing up because you ever work union I'm in I mean I'm in AFRA does that really even count? No these fucking mutts they don't do shit for you but you just give them money It's a racket, yeah. I joined the union. My first union was the warehouse workers' union.

You pay like $800 to get in. They give you a book. They give you benefits, dental vision. I'm lying to you. I'm lying to the electrician's unit. And I went to the electrician's union in Jersey through a back door like a stock clerk type. I was like a 25 fucking unions.

All right. And they always give you benefits, blah, blah, blah. So I was in that one for a while. But before that I got into the warehouse one. And that was the best one I ever worked with because they got fired. And I got fired for wrongful termination. So I went to pick up my check. I hadn't seen the shop steward.

I saw the shop steward. He said, where you've been? Why they fired me? He didn't know. They said, nobody fucking told me. I don't know if you've been fired. I go three weeks. He goes, they're supposed to notify me in 36 hours.

Let's see what the fuck. Why did you get fired? I got sick. And I went home to change my shirt. I couldn't find the supervisor. And when I tried to get back in, they wouldn't answer the phone because the switchboard was closed. He goes, I can't fire you for that.

He goes, come on, let's file. We filed the report. He was out of work like four weeks. Follow the report. Oh, Jesus. A week later he calls me, come on down. Let's go to a fucking thing. A hearing, I won.

I ended up getting on my back bay $16. Now I was a senior in high school. Great. I watched 10 days after that, and they went on. I got laid off. Because in the winter, you get laid off when you leave trucks. So you collect unemployment. I was doing, I collected unemployment all the way to May.

And my senior year in high school, because of Madsback sent you. When they called me back and they offered me to shut up their ass. Now I'm slinging pills and coke. And robbing houses and ready to fucking 800 a week for. I'm making that an hour. And that's the thing is that if you say no to the shit that you don't like, eventually the stuff you do like does come. But if you don't say no, the stuff you won't do,

the stuff you will do doesn't have room to come in. Yeah. You know? Did he start in LA comedy? I grew up here, so I did, yeah. Because the only thing, like with me, my first job, I had a shitty boss. And no matter, like, I couldn't, I'm glad I left. Because whenever you, I feel like whenever you go somewhere,

they always view you as, like, the first time they saw you. So, like, I couldn't move up in that company because I started that as a, PA. Yeah. Like, did you run into that in LA? Like, they saw you as an open mic, so now they're... Um, no. Here's the thing I did.

I did the open mics here, but I didn't, I didn't step foot into the clubs, into the Laugh Factory, the improv of the store until I was at least seven years. Oh, okay. So they might not have seen you. I knew that if I, if they got a bad first impression, it's very hard to undo it. So I would drive an hour south. I would go to this shit. box called Martini Blues every Friday, every Saturday, because that guy was a bit of a, you know,

creepo, he liked pretty girls, and he put me up. And I, you know, I actually, oh, that guy, you know, and I just did, I did a lot of spots out of town. Okay. I did triple runs. I did all the shitty things. And then when I was ready, I stepped foot in the, in the clubs here. Yeah, because you don't want to, you don't want to, once you taint that first impression, it's so hard. What made you get on stage the first time? The first time? You know, I did the groundlings first when I was 23 because I had a boss who was like, you're a horrible worker. You go, you're the worst employee I've ever had, but you're really funny. You should try improv. And I go, yeah, all right. So I did the groundlings. And I remember fucking being in the room and they're like, oh, you're in a donut shop. You're making, do your space work.

And I was like, fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck paying $400 for some jackoff to tell me how to, be funny. Like, I knew I had some shit to say. And then I, I did the belly room for the first time. And I loved it. I just, I shit all day, though. I had diarrhea from the time I woke up. You know, when you first started doing stand-up,

and you're like, oh, I just got a shit. I would shit all day. I shit until the moment I would get on stage. For the first four years, I just shit all fucking day. That's your anxiety and your nerves. Yeah. And then I saw this interview with Adam Sandler, and he said that he had the same thing. He's like, yeah, I just, one day, I just knew that if,

I persisted, it would stop. And I go, well, if that fucking guy can do it, I can keep doing it. And then I just did. But I really like the push-pull of it. I like the danger of it. It's everything you're not supposed to do. It goes against your self-preservation. It's just, and for a woman to do it, it's very subversive.

If you're saying something, if you're really, you know, because it's very male. You're taking a fucking cock in your hand and you're telling a room full of people, what's up? You're grabbing your nuts like Joey Diaz and you're smelling your hand. and that's a very masculine thing and I really love that because I'm very inside I'm wired a little bit like a dude

but at home with my husband I'm a woman that's a different story I like to cook for him I'm very domestic but not yeah our home life is different but I just I love something about the power of it

and jokes I love fucking I love time I'm shitting and farting and everything taboos that's why I love when you say that you know you drop end bombs on your podcast it makes me laugh I love that stuff. That's how my dad was joking.

We're immigrants. We're Euro-Trash. We're Eastern Europeans. That's all we do is talk shit about everybody. This is very normal in my house. Women are not... My mother is a very balzy woman. She's not the way American women are.

It's amazing when you said those words. Because a lot of women get offended when I say that. Well, I said earlier about that, there comes a time when a girl is doing stand-up, that she becomes a woman. and then she seized the whole thing, and a lot of women, well, what are you calling on? Women get offended no matter what the fuck you say,

but you know this feeling. You have to sling a little dick when you're a woman to really survive in a male-oriented environment. I see women in rooms, and they have to leave everything at the door. There's an acting coach here in town of Vanekubbing. Oh, yeah.

She's very high-end. I hear that, yeah. She's very high-end. And the reason why she's high-end She had Charlize Duran, and she had the black chick. Hallie Berry? Holly Berry, back to back. They won't ask us.

And both those bitches think, because what she does is first week in class, she makes you get naked to go against your grain. Let me tell you something. You don't know what life is. You have to get naked in front of 24 fucking pretty people in an acting class. Or do a scene naked in a bed with a chick that. I can't imagine. He's married.

I got to get in the bed with Christine with my dick out and put, rub it on her leg and she's fucking married and you got to act. So they want you to control. This is why they take you over the fucking top. If you could talk to somebody, you're not married to, when you keep your fucking heart on and act, are you

fucking kidding me? It breaks you down, breaks you down. And as a woman to do stand-up, let me tell you something. It breaks you down as a man to do stand-up. Because I talk about subjects now, 22 years later that I didn't talk about five years in. I would not even discuss it.

There is no way I would tell those stories I tell on stage. There was no way. I would have been a fucking star in my second year, and if I told the story about Lucy Stahlbush and fucking mugging the hooker and light no way going to fly. I would not repeat those things. That was something that happened a long, long, long time ago that was done by a person named Coco.

Right, but you can talk about it now. You're a family guy, yeah. But it's not that I'm a family guy. It's that spine. You build by getting on stage. You build it by getting on stage. I've been at Jiu-Jitsu for 16 months now. I was lost still two weeks ago

because now I know the steps. It's like comedy. First eight months, you're doing comedy. You're a jackoff. First year, you're doing comedy. You're a jack-or. You don't know what's going on. In your head, you think you're fucking, you know,

fucking, you know, I thought I was brilliant. You know, Kim Kardashian, and you're fucking head. But in reality, you suck. Yeah. And then second year, you start to get the basics. Third year, you're on the road. They throw you into some fire.

You know, now you're starting. Ron again, but you don't know, dick, six, seven. I came here, how long? Like, I came here in my seventh year, and I was still green. Of course. I just got away with murder because of my... Personality? No.

Stage presence. My stage presence was very confident, so it always deceived you. So you would watch me for three minutes and know this guy, I got a fucking material. This is horrible. But my stage presence, six years in, was overlapping still on my material. it still is till today. It's my stage presence that makes the thing go around.

They don't even know what the fucking saying. They don't even give a fuck. But don't you find, I find that the best comedians is about, it is about the audience wanting to spend time with Joey. It's not about the cleverness. At least I've never loved guys that have clever fucking joke. I know Mitch Heedberg, you mention him. I get it.

I know why people loved him. I get it. But to me, it doesn't tickle McCooch. You know, it doesn't like grab me by the nuts. Unless you're, tell me the truth, motherfucker. and when a man doesn't talk about his dick on stage, I think he's full of shit. I don't fucking trust a guy that doesn't talk about jerking off

or sex or anything. You know what I mean? Like, you know those comics that just talk about like, well, the cookies and I got cookie? And you're like, what the fuck are you talking about? Why don't you talk about why you're so dark? There's a reason you're on stage. There's a reason something's wrong with you, right?

Don't give me this like, like Seinfeld. I know everyone's supposed to bow down, but I just, I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I got Seinfeld, man, understood what he was, coming from? Was he the comic I looked at to emulate when I got into comedy? No, but I got him.

But I understand that I know why. I liked them. I like them. I like it. I paid to see Seytho. Really? He was enough. He took this fucking Akkorean chick.

But it makes me mad because I'm like, tell me how you really feel. I want to know your dirty secrets. I want to know who you are. I wouldn't talk about cocaine on stage like I got to the comedy store. Seven years in. Yeah. It was where I got my legs to talk about cocaine. That's a good place to start.

Oh, that. Yeah, that's why I talked about cocaine on stage the first time. It was at the comedy store. You don't have those legs in the very beginning. And then you got on real world? So what happened was I did that in college, 1999, or 90, sorry, no. Where was college at? I barely got into school at the University of San Francisco.

No, I don't. Yeah, don't you know it? Yeah. And I fucking, I got into school barely by the skin in my teeth. I barely got like an 800 on the SAT. And I get in, I study philosophy. Anyway, I stayed a year abroad in England and I came back and I was desperate to get the fuck out of the country again. And I saw a flyer for the real world like come audition for this show.

And I ended up getting, I mean, you just keep coming back and back in the interview and interview you. And then they're like, we want you to do road rules instead. And I was like, do I get to travel? Great. Because I was living in a closet in San Francisco with like five other roommates. I was so broke. I had no money. And I just want to get the fuck out and travel.

And here's a secret to getting on reality. show if anybody's listening this is this is the fucking ultimate secret in your final interview you have to cry you fucking have to cry and i knew it because they brought in the psychologist lady and she was like tell me tell me about your mother and you don't like your mom you don't tell me your sister it did math and this and that and i was like oh this bitch wants me to cry and then i fucking totally did i just started crying i was like oh i'm on the road roll now and then i and then i got it and it was great and i took a semester off of college to do this show we went to Australia for two months

and it was innocent. It was an innocent time for reality shows. It's not like it is now where these fucking assholes are lighting themselves on fire and you know for a fucking free bicycle. Like they asked me to do a challenge when I was 28 or so. I'm like what why would I can buy things now? I don't need to

fucking light myself on fire. They still do that show. I didn't realize which one. I hate it. It's a challenge. It's all people from real world and I used to watch it when I was in middle school and high school because it's been on for like 20 something years. Yeah.

Close to that. And there's these people who do like physical challenges. Like there's a guy CT from Boston. When I grew up in Boston, I thought he was the coolest guy ever. I find out like 10, like now, like 10 years later that he's still doing these

ridiculous events to win like $20,000. Yeah, it's just, it doesn't have the same spirit of the show because there's this woman, Marielis Bunez Bune of Bunei, who was the creator of the show. And she came from a soap opera background. So she would cast people. that were really interesting and dynamic and actually had lives and then they would, you know,

come together. But then they just started cat. When she passed away, John Murray just hired like a bunch of hot retarts. Like it was always like, we're just going to hook up on the hot tub and get wasted. And that's, I think, why the shows got worse and worse. Like, I don't even watch the real world. Is it on anymore? I don't know that. And I loved it. And I watched it for, I love reality shows. Like I still, I fucking watch the worst shows. I love them. But I really bums, me out. They're voting people off and all that mean-spirited shit. That's not how it started.

I only watched the real world a year. The kid had age. Cuban kid. 93, 94. Pedro. And then the chick was cute and she started dating Puck. Yeah, Puck, I know Puck. I know Puck.

I met him out here at the comedy store, yeah. But that chick was banging. I had a crush on that little innocent-looking bitch from Arizona. She was like from Spain. Oh, yeah, I remember that. She hated Puck, and then they ended up fucking. That's always how it is. Everybody was pissed off at Puck.

The fuckling, this chick was innocent. But I bet that chick was hot. That's the only year I watched. I don't watch reality shows. I watch Doug Dynasty, three or four episodes. I like when they fucking ate dinner at the end and said a prayer. Yeah, it's like the Walton's. Yeah, like the Walton's.

I like the old guy, the dad, the one that hates gay people, you know, as anti-PC as that is. Like, that's who that guy is. You're not going to fucking change an old dude. What do you care if he hates gays? have to watch him. Who can't? What do you care? You know, we love those fucking shows about food. Oh, I love

that stuff too. You know, that dude, diners, dives, that motherfucker, you can watch him for two hours sitting there. He just got fired, right? And is that Richmond? No, no, no, the guy for you. No, they're putting Richmond show on NBC. Oh, what? They're putting it on them. Wow. He didn't say

nothing wrong, though. They're just fucking people. See, and that's, going back to the Carson era, the time when people could just fucking say what they really felt about stuff. There was no Twitter, though, to crucify them over it. You know, I mean, I'm sure Johnny Carson called people cons left and right. It's really amazing how sensitive people are. I'm surprised any, like, athlete is allowed to have Twitter.

Like, it's just, there's always a scandal over a couple months, and it just happened yesterday with an old coach. I'm surprised any of them do it. Like, it's just so easy to piss someone off in 140 characters. That's scary, dude. Let me give some shoutouts real quick Get this fucking party started here You know what I'm saying?

Okay I write my man man Nick Pompah Neo Savage Vicks Berg Jesse Wright My girl Joey Rookland Looking bad at a motherfucker John Shaw

John Keats And Chris Cruz I love you motherfuckers That's it was the music Why are these people Are these your listeners These are people who fucking Send me shit on Twitter or Facebook

I probably post You know you gotta give these people shots off, they support your show and makes them feel nice. Okay. Oh shit. Isn't this big daddy came? Hey, my husband just met him. We know, this is raw, right?

Oh shit, oh shit, goly, goly, wiggling, goly, goly, goly, goly, goly. So Wednesday night, bitches, what the fuck you want? What are you doing? What are you going to do? Watch TV, sit there and fucking pet the dog like a fucking half a bag. It's Wednesday night. You're up. You're late.

Who gives a fuck about work tomorrow? You're getting paid Friday, not Thursday. Fuck on in the ass. What? Fuck them in the ass. Constantine Rain, you're fucking up, cock sucker. You're lucky I love you over there in Germany with those fucking neo-Nazis you're running. So we got Christine, whatever you fucking last night is.

This cattle bull's kicking in. I'm fucking hot You want to put the air on for two minutes Who gives a shit So you're in Ontario California this week Ontario, yeah Ontario California At the Ontario Improv this week They actually got my husband and I

To do a week together Which is very rare So if you want to see Tom Segora And myself do jokes This whole weekend? Friday, Saturday Sunday Thursday show's not there for some reason Which is fine with me

Who goes up first? I know everyone asks that You go up there and fill up Some heat in front of your husband And fuck his world up I'll tell you what. Make them stutter a little bit. I think what we're going to do, I think we're going to flip a coin.

I think that's the best way to do it. So nobody gets weird. What do you think? Well, it's five shows. Split down the middle and flip a coin for who gets the third show the headline. Okay. So just go to pick them and just go, we'll flip a coin for Sunday. Sunday.

Sunday sucks, yeah. Sunday. That's the one that bothers me. Me too. It is the Lord's Day. You should be home. If it rotates this shit on me. If I'm home, I don't mind working on Terry.

He's fucking got to. to drive 80 miles, but Sunday is the day that it just irritates the fuck on me, because I don't want to fly Monday more. It's the worst, too. The last thing you ever want to do in this lifetime is fly Monday morning. Monday mornings, just confusion, you know, Monday and Tuesday

morning, it's still fucked up. Did they block the World Trade Center on a Tuesday? Probably, I think so. Mondays and Tuesdays. I don't like, I had a drug dealer friend. He used to always go, don't know, no, I don't do shit on Tuesday, because you complicate yourself. That was a kid. In 83, he told me that quote.

So I would never make a move on a Tuesday. Okay. I would always say, I'm coming to pick the Coke up. And I'll go, I'll be that tomorrow. Not on Tuesday, you want. I don't do deals on Tuesdays. Can I, can we ask you? I've been dying to ask you this stuff.

How much more time do we have? I don't know if we want to. We don't give a fuck. Okay. Do it. What, what, what? What was your childhood like? Like, who the hell?

Who is Joey Diaz? Where did you come from? How are you like this? To be a really good comic, To do anything in your life, you have to have a point of you don't give a fuck. You don't give a fuck.

This was not who I was when I was 12. I was very in. My family was like this. My mother was a very, I don't give a fuck situation. You know what I'm saying? My mom would buy a first class ticket on a plane and she'd take a bottle out

and mix her own drinks. If you look at her, she'd go, bitch, my money's as green as yours. Get the fuck around, turn around, and I'd fucking business. And I would sit there, straight ahead in this chair. I mean, she caused problems everywhere.

But that was her mentality. She was a spick. This is my fucking money. Fuck you. Don't look at me. Right the way, they want to judge her. Everyone wants to judge you, you know? No, what's hurt? Was she an immigrant? Yeah, she was an immigrant. So that mentality

was in my house growing up. I just didn't appreciate it. I didn't like it. I didn't care for it. I did everything I could to run away from the Guamimo mentality of men, the possess. the jealousy, the control. I'm still semi-controlling,

but that other shit that comes with it, I don't, I erase that. I still have the rage. It's in my blood. That fucking Cuban, that Spanish blood, is still in your heart, you know? So what I did was when my mother died, I had to do a die situation.

How old were you when she passed? 15, 16. So I had to do a die situation. It was a sink or swim situation. Either my attitude was going to change. Five years ago, I told you it was when I became a man. No, it wasn't. It was when I became a scared little boy.

That's why I got into drugs. That's why I stole. That's why I sold drugs. That's why I did 10 million bad things at that age for like six or seven years. Until I finally got arrested. I did a bunch of bad more shit after I came out. I just paid my sins and I cut a deal and that was it. I cut a deal with myself.

But I met this family, the Runnies. And Mike Runny is a guy. I still talk to him Saturday. And he was pissed off because he had a driver. He had to work Saturday night. He was a manager and a fucking whatever. But it was weird. His mentality was like I was raised.

And he was one of the only person in his house that had that. I don't give a fuck mentality. Say one more word and I'll put you to that fucking wall. Fuck him tomorrow. Go down in tomorrow and be the best you can. You know, he had that praising us. And that's what took over. And I lost that for a while.

Rogan always discusses that when he first met me, I wasn't funny. He goes, you were the last thing but funny. Really? And he goes, and then one day, the fucking switch turned on. And it was the day that I knew I wasn't going to Montreal. I knew I wasn't going to get APA or CAA or three arts to go. Oh, my God, he's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant. I knew all these things.

Yeah. You know, a laugh factor didn't make me a regular. Yeah. It was just, you know, I didn't get him. I was divided to a lot of things, so I knew what my demeanor was. So I said, if you're not gonna like me, I might as well do this my motherfucking way. Yep.

And I did that for a while. Like, even though I was coked up and I was a little scared, moments of balls would come out. Like when I got the longest yard, when I sent the envelope in for Spider-Man 2, when I told the guy on the hearty's commercial, go fuck himself, because there was no break on the truck, and he thought it was me, and he yelled at me.

And I thought, no fucking yelling me, cuck-sucker. And the whole crew stopped. because he was like an international director you don't say that shit to me that was 2009 and those were the things that i was like that's it this hollywood shit is ending now like after i went off on jeff valdesert that marilyn martinor that was it when i walked to my car i remember looking at dyson johnny sanchises's face as i walked out the comedy store and they saw something and i'm like that's the guy i used to be that's the guy i want to come back i was raised with a mentality of that my little daughter

her to smack him. Some reason she's at that age. She pets the cats and they become smacks. The other day, she had twisted my face at the park and I had to yell at her. And today she hit my wife. My wife didn't say nothing and I attacked it. That's the D-A-That's the Valdez mentality.

My mentality is stop these motherfuckers the way they should have stopped Hitler and Munich. Right. If I would have stopped Hitler in Munich, if I say to you, hey, hey, Christine, your tits are banging today. Right. If you don't say, listen, you spit fat,

motherfucker. How about I go fuck your dick up in the ass? How about I call your fucking wife, you fat motherfucker? If you don't say that, if you don't say that, you're done. I'm going to eat you alive. I'm going to eat you alive. In this society, in today's society,

if you're a woman, this is what I'm going to teach my daughter. This is what my wife knows. You know, when I was a kid, I dated this girl, and she was kind of a fucking whore. But she had good pussy. I ate her pussy. She's such tremendous dick. She let me put coke rocks in their ass. And this was way back in 84.

People were just starting to put coke rocks in people's assholes. And she let me pioneer that fantasy I had just to see the coke rock melt in your assholes tremendously. It's like a fucking, when you put a spoon in a, when you put a drug in a spoon, you put that lighter on it, it just dissolves. Same way, because the pussy's moist. Once that cocaine hits it, is it? Is that good for her? Does she get high? I'm assuming it doesn't do with me. I don't give a fuck about that. I want some on my tongue. I want to help people. I ate some coke with fucking rocks on it. You know what was my point?

Anybody know my point? Being a woman with your daughter? Grabbing your nuts. So the point being that I was with her at a bar one night in 1980. In summer, like July of 83, 84, like 30 years ago, we were at a bar one night. I went to the bathroom to do a bump. And when I came back, there was a dude that dripped from head to toe with booze on him. Like saying you're crazy.

And she's like, next time I tell you to see this take. and go fuck yourself. You follow me? That was a girl from the neighborhood. When I went to the bathroom, some guy told he was cute and tried to sit down next to him, she told him, no, the guy didn't care. She threw his fucking drink on his face.

That's terrible. That's all-school shit. I moved here with Carol, dirty fucking horse tripper. I took it down to the improv. I got up to go to the back, and I come back. Jackie Flynn sitting next door.

And they're talking. Jackie, get up. That's the first time that Jackie Quinn. Get up. Well, you don't know. Don't make me get this fucking chair. hit you with a fucking time. That was my first meeting ever.

Like Jackie Flynn, when he was, they all ran together, White, Steve White, they were all managed by that same manager, the improv 1997. I shouldn't have had to say that to that fucking guy. Do you follow him saying? A real woman, that's a woman. That girl in Jersey, I was 21 at the time,

and she threw a glass at the fucking dude, that's a woman. Don't see anything. But now in society, oh my God, is that, what the fuck are you talking about? the other day, and it happened that Marie E.T.C. We were sitting there, that creepy dude that's always there, making him believe he's a writer. Yeah.

Some chick came with a book. And she fucking, she read, she took it out and the guy's like, what book are you reading? That's Gentile shit. That's Sherman Oaks type shit. You know. What book are you reading? That is Gentile.

And she looked at him, dog, and she went, does it matter? You understand me? That's abroad. What are you doing? It shakes me and then I got kids up and comes off Oh, fuck all that. I read it like, get the fuck out of you.

You know what I learned? I just did this show with Marlon Wands. It's called Funniest Wins on TBS, and I hung out with a lot of black people filming it. And I learned, who was telling me, one of the black comics this dude was like, white girls are so different than black girls because a black woman won't fucking talk to you

if she's not really interested in you. You know what I'm saying? Like, a white woman will talk to you even if she's not interested in you, sexually, a black girl won't even, woman will be like, forget the fuck out of my face. And I'm like, God, I kind of like that. I think I should adopt that.

I mean, I'm pretty much dismissive in public of other people, you know, just because I don't want dudes talking to me. But I really like that. I really respect that. You know, what I'm saying, the guys have to act like that. That's how we act like that as a man. Yeah. I pull you aside.

I have to be a fucking gorilla. I go, Lee, do me a favor. You ever say that to me. I'm a smack you in the face. And then I put my hand out. And we shake hands. And we have an understanding. Yeah. And if you want to be cute again,

I'm going to smack you in the fucking mouth. Now now you know, I warned you that's how I grew up. I grew up with guys that go, can I talk to you for a second? Listen before you made that comment, the next time that happens, we want to box his men, okay? And you look there, I couldn't believe a man would say that to him. It's crazy. And he puts his hand on,

you put your hand, and now we know where we fucking stand. That's the school of mine I'm from. Say that to one of these fucking faggit gentiles. In Hollywood, at the fucking at the parlor with Jay Davis. Say one to one of these fucking faggy fucking comics that, you know, hipsters.

Hipsters, you know. Alternative. And that's how men talk. That's how men talk. I have my sights on a few comics that when I see him, I'm going to pull him aside and go, can I talk to you for a second? There was a certain day I saw you, but there was people there and you made that remark. What did you mean by that?

I've always been a gentleman to you. It insulted me. Did you, are you trying to be cute? And from that reaction right there, my hand stays right here. because if it's a fucked up reaction, the salami comes right up and smacks them. And right there, when you're telling somebody that one,

they don't expect to see it, their body is, they don't even know what the fuss is going on. Because that's how I was raised. I talked to you. When you told me about that, when I got the call from Red Band that you were drinking, I called you like a man.

I said, you're my brother. I don't care how you live with your life, but you can't do that here. Yeah. And drink and drive here. It's 2013. How retarded are you? You get a DUI.

Right. Do I smack you now or do I throw you under the fucking jail and stick 10 black dicks up your ass. I wish I had like a fucking spitball that connected big black dead dicks that they shot. It's a great idea. And you just shot them at people.

And a dick would come at them and just fucking hit them in the face. I love it. We got to fucking get an inventor out there on Twitter. We got like big black dicks to shoot them at people. Where was your father? My father died when I was three. Shit. So you basically orphaned by the age of 15.

And after that, I had no parental, no parental, I ran my own ship. You're kidding, so nobody raised you. I moved in with a friend's family. I stayed there for a year and a half. I moved up for another friend's family, stayed there for a year and a half. And that was it.

Once, I've been a nomad since September of 82, I have been solo and I was 18 years old. Jesus. Paying my own bills, no clothes, apartment, shoes. I got a little help and everything else I robbed. I got jobs to fill in the fucking gaps. But, you know, this was a, and God threw me a fucking bone and threw comedy in my life. Something, you know, when you have nothing to lose, you've got to try everything.

Yes. Got nothing to lose, guys, got to try everything. Who the fuck are you? You hustled. You hustled. It sounds like you learn how to hustle and care for yourself very quickly. You do what you got to do, right? If you're not hustling, you're going to die.

I know, I know. And today's society, you've got to hustle. There's no jobs. There's no jobs. There's no jobs. No. You got them to go out and put two them to together. You got to invent a combination.

You got to buy those wipes from... You got to invent the black dick paper? No, you got to get the Dollar Shave Club. Oh. Go to get Dollar Shave. Those are great. Have you used them? What?

They're like a nice... Did you use them on your vagina or on your asshole? No, I'm my asshole. Now, here's my problem. Maybe you guys can help me with it. When I take a shit, not all the time, but a lot of the times now, I have to go straight to the shower after the shit. because there's so much cleanup.

Like, it's a never-ending wipe, and sometimes I wipe, and then later on the day I'll go back, and they're still brown there. And I don't know, like, what's wrong with my butthole? That happens to me, and your asshole gets itchy as fuck. It always happens to be a car up before I go to bed. Oh. Oh. Oh, damn it.

Today I had an itchy asshole like a mother phone. I got to sneak into the back and pull my pants down. Get toilet paper. Stick tall a paper on my ass and the big brown spots and I'm 50 fucking years old. That's why I have to warm up Charlie's. Keep it on top of the toilet. No, and I won't. Those are good.

I wipe my ass, and then I dry it with the fucking whatever, and you stick that finger deep in there, you get the barnacles. You're beautiful. You're brand new. But every once in a while, it's like your shit don't stop. And like it leaks, the heat makes the, and once it's hot out, and that shit touches your asshole with that salty sweat. Yeah.

Oh, it reminds me of roots. When they're fucking in the boat sweating and dying and smelling. Right. You know, because an asshole with salt on it and fucking sweat, you know, that sweaty salt. Yeah. Plus the fucking shit. The shit burns.

Yeah. So that's, I'm sorry about this people, but let's discuss it. That's why every time you're, you have to lick a girl's asshole. You have to let a girl lick your asshole. I'm like, it can never be ever clean enough.

But I'm not going to tell a girl to lick my ass on. Nobody's looking at a Vegas as well. Wait, to what? Guess what was that? Vegas this week on my car room. What? A fucking bidet. I love, I want a bidet.

I want one. I used it right away. Let me tell you. That's bad. I want to get a bidet company to fucking. and sponsor a podcast, because I could sell those. Me too. Me too. You guys have no idea with the difference of a

day with that. They're doing it over in Japan where you take the shit and it washes your ass automatically before the shit even hits the water. And that's what it is. A thousand little guns with water. This was a water. And I had a bidet in Jersey in my mother's house in that house. And I would take a shit and turn the bidet on. But if it turned out too fast, it's in the face. It goes out of too fat.

Now, does your wife, is she aware of your bowel movements and your, like, do you have an open-door policy when you take a shit or is it closed door? I don't want nobody in the bathroom watching me shit or smelling that nightmare. I can imagine. I don't want to smell nobody's shit. I don't mind, like walking by and going Christine, you fuck that motherfucker up. Right. You know, I don't mind giving somebody credit what creditors do.

Thank you. But I'm not going to go and brush my teeth and calm my hair and then yell, I can go, it smells like like a shit in there. What are you in there? What's wrong with you? You don't see me going and I'll put the job. Before you, if you're going to take a shit, let me know. That's the deal with you.

I do that, yeah. You don't take a shit, let me know so I can get everything. Just in case I got to take a jump in the shower. I don't want to walk in there. But there's a lot of times she jumps in the shower at 8.30. And from 840 to about 8.52, that's my prime asshole opening up. That's coffee. That's coffee.

That's the fruit. And that's the breakfast. After that piece of wheat bread, my ass is singing, Jack. Like a doctor. And I go on that, and I fuck it up. And I like when it just falls out. Like, it's like limbs. It's like arms falling out of your asshole

And you can hear him hitting the And I like when they Like you fill it up And then it hits the metal And they just sits there like 18 Vietnamese vets laying on top of each other And the shit all over Like going this way and crossway

Then you flush it And the shit don't go down So you gotta get toilet paper And push it down Nope, not my experience I can't even imagine the dumps you take Are they bigger than your head? I can't

I... Sometimes I look at them and I went, like, I'll count out four feet of shit. Really? In 12 inch intervals? No, four of those? I took one. How big was the question mark?

Oh, God. Wait, that one on Twitter. I saw that one. I think I congratulated you. That had to be 30 inches, that monster. Wow. And before that, it was like a 12 inch and an 18 inch that I flushed, wiped a little bit, and then sat back down.

And when that one came and I was like, damn, what the fuck have I been eating? Now, do you fart in front of your wife? Oh, yeah. And she's in front of me, too. That's real love. I don't give a fuck. I was farting up on the plane back from Vegas last weekend. And the plane was empty, but right away, these douchebags want to sit around.

I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you. Plain farts are the best because the sound of the engine camouflages anything. And it could be anybody. It could be you, could be the girl next to you fart or who knows. The best person I've ever killed with farts on a plane is Joe Rogan. I have destroyed it. the point I've woken him up and he's looked at him lap asleep like,

dog, what the fuck is that? He'll put his shirt on. He wrote a blog about one time where I fought on a plane. He goes he awoke to the smell while Antonio Banderas was teaching black kids out of dance. I fucking life my ass on it. I woken him up from fucking, because we've got to catch that 6 a.m. flight. I got two breakfasts in me already. By 8.30, my assholes on fire.

My bet. I'm not big for taking the shit. Let me ask you this. Go ahead. I have to change this up. So you go into a town. You go to San Francisco. You get there Thursday.

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you come back Sunday morning. Now, while you're in San Francisco, you shit, correct? You shit once. You should fight. But this is my thing. I shit. Like, I shit in Vegas this week. I was there a day and a half.

I shit two times, three times. When I take a shower, when I come home, unpack, throw my clothes in the hamper, put the suitcase away, put up a sleep-at-me machine. When I'm putting a sleep-at-me machine, like my stomach has already hurt. I do the same thing every time I come home. That's why I don't take auditions after a flight, nothing. You can't. It's not going to work for me. You're just wrecked.

It's not going to work for me. I do the same thing. I walk in my room, my white nose. I go in my room, I take the clothes out, put the suitcase away. I get naked. I go on the computer and make sure there's no late stuff. Then I get naked, and I take a shot. shit that even let's say I wake up that morning, it's like my asshole holds it back.

It's like in these whole terrors, my asshole thinks it's being watched. So he just drops like an 18 inch here, a 14 inch of there, a 10 here. I'll drop a couple threes, but that's it. But when I get home, my ass knows, it's home. So I will take this shit that is so 40, 50 inches. And that's the one that baffles me because I'm like, my intestines have been holding back. It feels like they've been cheating you. They're cheating.

And anything comes out. It even comes out still. Yeah. Like a lasso. It comes out like with the intestine thing carved into them. It's disgustingly. Now, I have the opposite experience. When I'm in the hotel rooms, I find myself being freer.

I shit more. It's road ass, too, because I'll make bad decisions with my food. That's when I eat the nachos and the stuff and then I really shit. Oh, no, no, I'm good on the road. I think the apples from the lobby and shit. I'm a fucking savage. Got to eat those apples. Those apples are pulling right through you.

Let me read. from our sponsors real quick. These shit stories are very interesting. We get you together more often. And just do a fucking complete anatomy of, you know. I love talking about this stuff. I don't know why. I just like it.

And I've had three or four women eat my asshole. That's not. No way. I picked up my fucking ankles and I've heard them lap that motherfucker. No. That was this one chick I used to give a Coke rock to it. And I would grab by the front of the hair and go under. And I just put her under it.

And she would lick it and she would lick my ball sack. And I would fucking hit her in the top. top of my head with a dick and she would sniff my helmet oh my god these women were animals and it was disgusting the first time she ate my ass she actually told me to turn around and i was like not in a million fucking years tell me what's on your mind she's like how like eating guys assholes oh my life i said me go wash it and i washed my ass i watched everything after the shower you just don't go in the bathroom wash your ass don't come out and she i couldn't believe that's the first time somebody did it Well, you washed it.

I didn't know that you were washing beforehand, so that's fine. Yeah, I'm very decent. That's fine. I didn't know if you would go, like, all day, and then at the end of the day. Like, that's fucking cool. I won't even stab my wife if I'm not clean completely. I got to take a shower. I'm the same way.

And I got to watch her. And I got to watch her. Sometimes I'll tell her. Don't wash a monkey until I want that original. Oh, my. I want that original. I don't want the Krispy. I want the original.

You like original flavors, yeah. Like it's one day of flavoring, or do you like how much flavor? A night, like, let's say you wash your pussy at 10 at night, you go to bed. Okay. It's perfect. At about 6.30, if you got a nice woman, her pH balance is good. That pussy is perfect, that fucking 6.30. You just take that thing off, open it up, and it's ready for you.

It's got a little mist on it, a little duke. No problem. You sniff that motherfucker out of you. I've known you for three years. The fact that you said and no pH balance. Right. He's a kind of sewer. What do you think you're dealing with?

Yeah. You think you're dealing with some fucking kid at the deli with a hat with a propeller on top? Oh, my God. You had mad fucking flavor here, dog. But you didn't wash your ass every time she ate. Every fucking time. That's disgusting. That's a gentleman.

You should be washing your ass three times a day just in case you bump into somebody who wants to eat your ass. What if you walk out right now? There's a chick that's hot. Are you busy right now? For 20 bucks, I will swallow. I will take every pubic hair out of your asshole and suck each pore out. That's how much I roll. What would you do?

No, I'm not. you're going to go, you're going to be embarrassed. You're a decent Jewish kid. You're not going to say suck my ass when I haven't showered since the fuck. Did you shower after the gym today? Yes. Okay, because you got a shot.

Because that fucking ass mixes with the sweat. It's a different dimension. I can't even imagine what your butt hole is like, Joey. Listen to me. I wash myself before I go to the gym. That's how decent I am. I take a shower before I go to Jitsu. I don't ever want

to insult somebody with my body old. Your breath, your fucking ears, There's nothing you can do it You know what I'm saying I want the same respect towards me You know you brush your teeth You use the listerine You do the best you can

You're still gonna have nicotine Or whatever the fuck You smell a reefer Or some ass on your breath Yeah But you know you gotta respect to your body And respect other fucking people I know I can't have you

Coming into my airspace Smelling like a fucking goat Can I just fucking offensive You're offending everybody man Tommy and I were in TGI Friday's In Hartford Connecticut this week And the Waitress had the worst B-O of anybody I'd ever smell.

She would walk away, and then it was like a three-second countdown, and then it would just hit us. I was eating some broccoli cheddar soup, and I was like, I couldn't even finish it. It was disgusting. The theory, I think it was the uniform was old. You know what? Maybe she didn't watch it.

It was a double-go-go-old. That broccoli cheese soup might have been old. That's odd. Don't plan on the wages. I'm a fat dude, and I know at times. But you don't smell. When I was doing ball, I had a little whang to me. I didn't notice it until the end.

You got little pockets in your fat. That's what some heavy-duty. She was skinny. Skinny young girl. Oh, yeah. Pretty. But, you know, these fucking Gentiles, they're animals. They want to save on soap and shit.

That's true. You got to wash your pussy. You got to wash. You got to wash your pussy. You got to. Listen, I like a pussy when a girl runs. Like, I like a little sweaty monkey. But there used to be a girl in the wayms here that would work out with no undies on.

Because you would see the clip fucking get wet. Like, you would see the stripe. But my pussy from the inside, she would sweat from the inside. And her armpits, she was beautiful, and she had long hair in their armpits. She didn't shave her armpits. That's disgusting. I didn't know if she weighed the odor or not, but I saw the pussy sweating. And that turned me on.

That turned me on. I sat there like fucking drooling. Like, I like to taste that much with some hair. Like, it's got to have hair. Are you classic flavors like that? Yeah, I want to have a little hair. The hair gives it the Greek salad. It gives it that fucking.

You always said some of those mold an onion. It smells like that onion. I like that little light onion. Just a little light onion. Once it gets two onion, right above the clit with a mat where it looks like a fucking pug's head. You know, right there where sometimes it looks like a, what's that dog that's got a wrinkle forehead?

A pug. She's got a good clit. It squishes up like it's been fun. This is like listening to seventh grade boys. This is just like junior high school. I like nuts when they're clean. I love when Tommy has fresh nuts. Sure.

Who won dirty-fucking nuts? Are the best. Fresh junk. Fresh junk. You know what family here. Yeah, go ahead. I did something yesterday morning. I got up, took a shower.

I ate breakfast, and I did something. Oh! I walked with the baby, and when I got back, it was hot. So before acupuncture, I just let me take a fucking shower. That's the least I could do for Dr. Amy. That's my Jew girl. I took a shower. I put the coconut scrub, so you smell like something.

You got to take off your shirt. I like that. I go and I took the show up. When I got it, it was 2 o'clock. Last night was 11.30, quarter of 12, I was drinking coffee. I was right. And I go, you know what? I took a shower at 1.

I'm going to take a... I took a shower at 1. It's 11.30, quarter of 12. I'm not going to hit the bed dirty. And I took my clothes off. Took my t-shirt out. And I walked through the shower naked with my little flip-clops on and shit, you know? And when I got to the shower, I had an hitch in my knetack.

And I picked my leg up. And what I felt wasn't sweat. It's that... that is like spam, the spray shit, mixed with like, it was thick. And I remember, like, I grabbed some of it, and I even smell. And it was tremendous. I mean, for me, it was to have that man. It smelled like bacon when it's bore.

You ever get bacon, but it's really bore? And I was like, fucking 10 hours without taking a shower and not exercising. Yeah. And this is what came out of my nutsack. My asshole was clean. That was shiny, sparkle. I hadn't taken a shit. My asshole was M-I-A.

There was nothing there, but just this, grab this right here. Sure. It was like, I could feel the humidity like a sack of... Oh, God.

I could have put it on a pan and they could have cooked a egg on, nobody would have known. Oh, my God. You would have ate a ball sack. You're never eating eggs at your house? I tell you, I don't get skeved out easily.

That was far. No, no, no. But I don't understand. What if I were to take in a shower from 8 in the morning? I'm mostly these fucking babushes walk around. Yeah. Because most of these fucking Gentiles

leave the house at seven. And they'll go home, not take a shower. Go to do that rotten ass. And then go home and go to a bar and talk to women and expect why they don't get laid. I can't get it. Well, maybe because you fucking smell like a fucking animal. Yeah.

Did your wife ever see these smells or experience the smells of your balls you were just talking about? My ball smell. I don't know my wife around that. Good for you. I appreciate that. No, I love my wife. Good for you.

And I like when she has life, I don't want to say a dirty pussy. But I like what's got some mind? Little musk. Little musk. Not wrong. How do you like that monkey, wait? I just got in, like, when I was younger, it had to be totally shaven.

But recently, I don't mind it as much. You like a lot of hair? Not a lot. Like, it's not like a pat. Do you ever smell the patch? It doesn't have to be, like, it can be all over, but like it's not too, like, pushy. What do you mean all over? Like, she's got leprosy, or somebody pulled the hair.

No, no, like, it could be like not just a patch. It's not being in a certain. Not always. You can't have a patch up here. No, no, no, but I'm saying there's a patch. And then there's when they just like, like what I do, what I just trim it. So you like a patch?

I like everything now. Doesn't matter. Do you sniff the patch ever? Just put your nose in it? No, you'll ask me, I've never sniffed it. I mean, I smell it, but it's... How deep do you smell it? I mean, how deep is your love?

I don't know. How deep is your love? Of your snatch, smell it. I mean, you just smell the aroma and lick it and don't smell it. Because when you're licking it, you got to smell it. Yeah, you smell it. But I don't go in there just for the purpose of smelling it. Like, it sounds like you get in there like you're like a wine connoisseur and like taking deep breath.

When you need a steak, doesn't that allure your taste blood first got something? I must have been doing it wrong. That's the whole thing. When you get into that fucking monkey about right before you lick it, you hesitate, your neck hesitates. And you don't go like a fucking asshole and embarrass it. It's like a saw. It goes in your mouth and your nose. It does.

It goes in your nose and your mouth. You don't even do that. That's too loud. And you'll feel it. Like your baseball player smelling the dirt? Like that's what I'm like that. And you know. And you get in there and you're licking it and you're stung in different situations.

I like all that shit. You're so fucking bizarre. I love it. What the fuck? This is what you... Well, you brought it out. We don't talk about this. What are you talking about?

want to be fucking good, you got to be bad. You're not going to eat a girl's pussy. Stay at a missionary. She's not going to call you again. That's so true. You got to get in there, pick that leg up and eat that fucking ass, and kind of to flip over and pull it by the wigwam.

Let me get another soda leave. You don't mind my brother, water, whatever you got over there. Let me give a shout. So you have to do your reeds. Sorry, I derailed it. No worries here. You know my fucking reeds. I derailed it.

It's Wednesday night. Why fuck around? If I tell you once, I got to tell you again. On it, for all your supplements. Who needs? But what I want to say is they're more in the fucking supplement.

They're a way of life. They're a lifestyle. They're tremendous. They get the most out of you. Don't fuck around. Look at me. I'm a fucking savage. I'm a fat fuck.

The honor has done a lot of good for me. The alpha brand is tremendous. The shroom tech is tremendous. The fucking strong bonus. In fact, I'm going to go home. I'm going to hit my fan, my buddy up down there to send me some more product. I'm running low.

Why fuck around? Be the best you can be. Take a chance Columbus did. All right? Just fucking. On it, right? Take it stance, Columbus. Right?

What would we be? Your brain. I love your mind. Where would we be? If Columbus said, like the mort playing video games. Nowhere. We'd be nowhere. We'd be getting fucked on the ass by Indians.

We're fucking long feathers. On it. Go to audit page and press. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% off. Your order, you're getting 10% off, get put on the list.

You're on the stay-on-a-program. I'm not fucking around. This is optimum optimization we're talking about. a little fucked up. I know what I'm talking about. I'm going to try it and I like this. Yeah, you want the best out of you. Go to fucking Onit.com and look at AlphaBrain. If you don't fucking like it, send it back.

We'll send you your money back. That's how Anit's not here to steal your fucking money. We're not some flyby night vitamin company. They ain't fucking around. They're down there in Austin making things happen. Look at that page. Read what they got to offer. If I told you what they got to offer, I just sound fucking stupid. It's not my world. Go to Onet.com. what they got to offer.

The things I recommend, alpha brain, tremendous, if you want to run on all cylinders. If you're waking up and people tell you you, you're fucking stupid, alpha brain won't help you. You're fucking stupid. But if you're having a bad day, you can't think. Alpha brain is for you. If you don't like it, you send it back

and you get your fucking Guitas back, all right? One, two, three, one time you can do it. You didn't have to send the product back. My next fucking thing that, my girl was asking me about, there's nothing better than Nature Box out there. If you're trying to get healthy and you want to eat nutritious stacks,

late night or at work. You have to spend money in the fucking fending machine. You're going to go on a 7-11 and deal with fucking Abdar. Those fucking, those 7-Elems are becoming fucking Arab concentration camps.

You're buying that fucking pizzas and shit. Those fucking Hindus with that fucking pizza. Stop. Hindus don't make fucking pizza. Okay, stop it. You're insulting who the fuck I am now.

You don't see me selling curry? Stop with the fucking pizza and the fucking chicken wings. God-sucking. Stick to what you know. bro, six pack of butter and some fucking wine to fuck the fag that lives upstairs up a fucking ass, all right?

I don't know what the time. We're talking about naturebox, dot, dot com. Nutritionalist approved the calories, protein, I love nature box. You understand me? I fucking love it. Let me tell you what they got here. Because I'm not giving you people fucking justice, and that's wrong. That's fucking wrong, all right?

Let me put it to this way, all right? Am I going to understand something? You're ready for this? You should be snacking more. You need you be smacking more, all right? You even find snacks are low in sugar, non-GMO, and they're gluten-free, and they ship for free. Did you know that? Sweet potato 5, sweet blueberry fucking almond. The white and black granola is tremendous. Listen, I wouldn't fuck with you.

Nature's box. Naturebox.com promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com promo code Joey. Stay full. Stay fucking strong. You want your dick to work. If you're sitting there like a Momo eating fucking potato chips, it's going to overrun your liver. And that's, it's over for you.

What I'm trying to say is go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey, and stay strong, stay full. And you know what? I'm going to give you 50% off your first month's order. Who does that fee? You think I was just going to give you a promo code and that's it, let you go away? 50% off. Who gives you 50% off? Doc suckers.

Tell me who. No body. You understand me? No body. I do the same with Hulu Plus. They're giving you $799 a month on a fucking commercial. What do I give? I give an extra two fucking weeks.

When was the last time you met somebody who sucked your asshole for two weeks? then charge you two. That's right, Joey. Nobody does that in this economy no more. It's a cold out there for a pen. Even though you're trying to get the money for the rent, you know what I'm saying? Also, for you vapor smokers who have vapor pens and you want to try it and fucking be different, you want to hang out with your buddies and be a jackoff.

Naileditlif.com. They're my buddies, Peter and David. I love these motherfuckers with all my heart. They got the best fucking pen out there in the market. They don't fuck around. They'll mail it here. Mention us. and you get 20% off your first order.

What's the web page? Nelterlife.com. Meldlethe.com. Call the 800 number, David and fucking Peter there. The Lancers are fucked here. They know shit, you know. They got all the answer.

They got all the fucking answers, cuck, suckers. So I don't know if you live in the area. I don't know what the fuck you're doing this weekend. My main girl here, I'm so happy you came in. Thank you for having me. We're not wrapping up yet. I'm just trying to get all this year. She's going to be in Ontario Improv with her husband.

Oh, may I plug another one? fucking dollars you ever spent your life. You're going to love us. You're going to love us. Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. What's the number down in Ontario? 9.09-666666. That's 909-582-2361. 909-484-544-11.

All right, and what is it? 984-484-5-1-1. Also, guys, if you're in the Pasadena area, come see me August 9th at the Ice House. I'm doing the side room to show 730 and 930. Come out. Don't fuck around. These are the same people you guys love it.

Don't fuck around, all right? She's doing two shows. 7.309.30 on a Saturday or Friday night. No, that's a Saturday night. Saturday night. In a small room. And the reason I like that small room is because you can really let your nuts hang. I'm going to say some real shit.

It's going to get fucking weird because I like it that way. So come and watch some real shit happen. It's like 180 people. You can have a party in there for two shows. Come on down. $22. They got great food. Pasadena had the whole area got great food.

Get some fucking tickets. Get some. some sushi, take your wife or your girlfriend or your fucking lover over the ice house, laugh with my girl, 626-577-1894. Again, 626-577-18-94. That's the number to the ice house. Call him up right now. I ain't fucking around.

Joe Rogan's up there right now. Call him up, leave my message. Oh, that's right. My husband's doing a show tonight. They're going everybody's up there. Burke Christ and me. I got bigger locations. I got, go, ah.

Fuck these bitches. You know what I'm saying? What else you want to tell me? I was a pleasure having you on it. Thank you so much. How long when we've been trying to get this dirty bitch, honey? A while you've always mentioned it. Did they call her and then you're out of town?

Well, and Joey used to be like, I'll call you at 6 a.m. And we'll do that, and I'm like, it's like, yeah. What happened to your 6 a.m. phone calls? Monday. Monday. Okay. What happened was I was doing all this working out and I wasn't losing no way. Me and my wife were like baffled. There's got to be another problem.

And then I sent them my card. I have a sleep batting machine and you have to send it its computer. And every month, every 90 days you send it in. And they got called me. He goes, hey, man, you're going to fucking die. Do you sleep only with the machine or do you sleep on the couch after night? And I go, no, I sleep with the machine. Why?

He goes, you ain't sleeping. You're averaging 4.8 hours or something. Oh, shit. He goes, you got to knock it off. So it's good that I do the Wednesday night and one. Plus, I can guess that come in. It's more accessible. What does I say to you?

What was the other question? I don't even know. So I do that one Monday at 6 to get people jumping. People have weird weekends. They probably eat a bed. dose of pussy. They need a little kicking the ass on Monday morning. And that's what I'm here to do. Give you a little kick in the ass, reinforce you.

Let you know it's a cruel world out. They've got to wash your pussy. You've got to be prepared. If you want to get your dick suck, you've got to be prepared. You can't go out there on prepared, nobody will suck your dick. That's so true. So Monday, 6 a.m. And then Wednesdays, I like to do 8 o'clock. And I miss juts. But I want to give you the best possible podcast. Like tonight, I had her in here, and I can

really tap into on the phone. We fuck around. It's topical, but they got to go up to 20 minutes. You know. The husband wants to fuck her. All the time. In the morning. All day, every day. What's up with you, Coxuck?

What are you doing this weekend? This weekend, I don't know. There's a fight Saturday, which would be good. Who's fighting? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Matt Brown. Yeah, I'm just excited for the next Wednesday. Yeah, that's right.

We got the podcast at the Ice House. Right. Oh, that's always so much fun. Miss Pat. Live podcast with motherfucking Miss Pat. We got women. I'm a woman guy. I love it.

I jeez with women. I have a great relationship with all these women, so I like them to come on. and we talk and I talk crazy but they know at the end of the day I love them Of course, you do Joey You're the sweetest one I love you the most thank you very much Thank you boo-boo

I'm a big fan of I think you're sexy Funny thank you guys And you have a podcast Oh your mom's house guys Listen up we're gonna have this Friday Gretchen Bonaducci is a guest On that episode And she talks about she's writing a book

About Danny Bonaducci I don't know if you ever watched Breaking Bonaducci in 2005 It's a crazy fucking reality show So yeah Listen to that. We were just in Vice magazine, too, online or whatever, Vice. And it's good.

It's a fun show. We talk about shitting a lot, if you like that. A lot of Brown talk. I told Tom, when he did the live one, but I said it on here, too. Like, you're, like, I think between you and Ari, it's my favorite, two favorite podcast. Aw, thank you. He always talks highly. Ari's great.

Thank you. You're very sweet to say that. Thank you. No, it's just a lot of the shows have gotten to be, like, interview shows, and it's just, because I see it's hard. It's not hard, but it's different when it's only Joey and me. And most of the time, your show is just you and him. And it's like one of the only podcasts where you really have to have listened for the whole time. Yeah, good.

Because there's so many running gags and it's just, it's a, I don't know, I've, I've started a while ago. I missed the beginning of it, but. The very, very beginning, yeah. I don't even know where those are when we were with that squad. We started with that squad. Yeah, I got you right at the end of that. Oh, well, hey, I'm glad you're here. It was fun.

Thanks for a great show. Thank you. I love you guys. You can't watch your assholes now? Yeah, I got to go do a set. But I love you, Cucksuckusk. Stay black. Have a great weekend.

We'll see you Monday at 6 a.m. You bad motherfuckers. Joey Deas.net for fucking tour dates. Where am I this weekend? Reno, and that's it. I ain't seen you motherfuckers till Bray or September 18th. And then I'm in New York to 26th and the 27th of September. I'm taking August off.

Good for you. I'm relaxed. I'm going to Kentucky with my family. I'll be in Paducah doing a show at a fucking. coffee house, believe it or not. Holy fun. I'll let you motherfuckers know. That's how I roll. Now that the show's over,

remember to go to naturebox.com. What music are you going to put on? Because you're already put the other thing on. So I'm going to fuck this up. Well, you said, where's the music? And we have two shastons lined up. I don't know.

Oh. I'll do this one because I'm sure both of you hate it. I have a feeling I know what it's going to be. Yeah. I don't even know who sings that piece of shit song. Which one? You know what he's going to play.

I don't know. The boys are back in tension. Oh, no, no, no. Okay. That's the worst, bro. Bro. What are you smoking? What is this?

The e-cigray? Does it taste like a flavor? No, really. Oh. All right, here we go. So go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. Eat healthy and delicious treats like French toast, granola, and Santa Fe corn sticks. Go to naturebox.com promo code Joey.

And then show is also sponsored by Onit.com. go there for all of your supplements like Alpha Brain and Strongbone Use Cobra Church and NailedLatLife.com You mentioned Joey Diaz and get 20% off of the premier vapor band on the market. Let's see if this works. Oh, sorry, we're done.

This fucking band, oh my. There's a lot of people on Twitter who are excited. Damn you, Lee.