The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #199 - Joey Diaz, Raf Esparza and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 28, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Comedian Raf Esparza in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. Escapepodtank.com Mention Joey or the Church and get $250 off. Recorded on 07/28/2014.

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to escapepodtank.com, they have your sensory deprivation technique needs. They have a bunch of different models for you. They will set it up for you if you want. You can set it up yourself. Mention Joey Diaz or the church and save an additional $250 off. Let's do this, Lee.

It's Monday, July 29th. The day the devil sucked my dick 30 years ago. I made a decision, fuck the devil. We're going straight, cocksucker. A little ACDC for you on a Monday morning. Walk all over you. The type of attitude you should be leaving the house with. Wash your pussy.

Trim your eyebrows. Cut your toenails. Let's do this shit. It's Monday. Everybody wants to get their dick suck, but nobody wants to wash that monkey. You know what I'm saying? Get it together, cock suckers.

The church of what's happening now. Grab your helmet, salute the flag. We ain't fucking around today. Jews, black people, Christians, Chinese, rise up. It's over, you bad motherfuckers. Let's do this, Lee. Kick that motherfucker Lee. Who the fuck do you think you're dealing with?

Joy Bananas? Oh shit. Oh shit. Raff is in the house. Lee Syatt's in the house. What? Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me or what?

Cut that shit, Lee, before I stab a motherfucker. I'm feeling today. So, Churchill, what's happening now? July 29th, 2014. That's right. You made it, cocksucker. It's 2014. Can you believe that shit in Studio Tad?

I got my main man, Ralph Esparser, from Verbal Tap Podcast, and my main man, the flying dude. What the fuck you've been, cock sucker? I've been here. You picked that little fucking chick up on Thursday and nobody's seen you. You've been MIA?

You took a little. go back to the Jewish cave and you just slung dick and ate fucking tacos all weekend, didn't you? Pretty much. It was great. Unbelievable. You only left to get a little son and to do the fucking standmaster and you go right back to the house. Yeah, we do the Stairmaster together and we go back. And who's beaten who in the diet?

Well, I've lost more pounds, but she has less to lose. But it's been going great. And I saw Big Shout Out, go see the Fluffy movie. You like it? You had a good time. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was cool. It was nice because I met him. It was nice on the podcast.

So that was fun, but it was nice to go support them and found a new place, which is really cool, because I'm looking for places to eat that are good for calories, right? In that AMC Burbank, there's a place called Asian Box, which is the funniest name in the world. But it's like an Asian Chipotle, and it was fucking delicious. What did you get? Beef with a whole bunch of veggies and brown rice. It was a huge fucking bowl for like 500 calories. It was fucking delicious.

Come on. Yeah, with a nice. I go crazy for peanut sauce. Like, you know that sauce? They give you a saute. Yeah. Basically that. That stuff is my favorite.

I'll rub it on your little fucking Jew helmet. I would. Some dick, cox. Oh, my, I would. Fucking potter sauce. Satay. Oh, you don't like, oh, yeah, you don't like Thai food. I forgot.

I don't fucking fuck with that shit. You know what I'm saying? You got to keep it together. Reno was tremendous. It's great, though. It's progress, Reno. It looks good. It used to be 1978.

Now they got it up to 1990 fucking one. It's tremendous. They're still walking around with their white snake t-shirts. But I had a good time. Reno's a fucking great little town. I want to give a shout out to the Pioneer Underground Wayne. It was a great little club. It's cute.

It's downstairs. It's basically an underground theater. The only thing I didn't like was that there's a, what do you fucking call that? Like, they have a break in the show. Intermission? Intermission, because it's a theater. So there's no real waitress coming to the theater. So how to work?

Opener to guests. And then they take like a 15 minutes of mission. People go to the bar, take a pee, get booze, which in a way, it's better. You know, you sit on the fence and you're like, what should I do? Do I want to be up there and watch people pee? Listen, I'm going to fucking pee. If I'm drinking, I'm fucking peeing. That's part of the thing, you know?

Right. So, you know, and it was just different. Have you ever had a show with an intermission before? Yeah, I've done big phoena shows with intermission. But this was a little small. I didn't do great numbers. The second show, Saturday was sold out. The early show was maybe 100 people, and maybe Friday was 100 people.

What's around Reno? Where else could they come from? You're close to San Francisco. You're close to San Jose. Did I ever tell you how I fucking ended up in Reno the first time? No. I didn't say that to tell you that story. I don't think so.

I'm in San Francisco. It's 1985. I don't even know fucking Reno exists. Sure. All right? Nobody knows Reno exists. I'm a young kid. I just knew the big cities.

And I was insane. This is why I was listening to this ACDs, if you were. watched last night I posted ACDC that last album with Bond Scott. And down the block from there, there was a whole time. I lived in the tenderloin. The tenderloin was San Francisco's worst fucking neighborhood. I mean, terrible. I saw a guy, I woke up one day and went to Original Joe's,

and I saw a blood crime scene that was just horrific. And I grew up in New York City. Did you still go to Original Jones? Fuck yeah. I went two weeks ago in San Jose. You walked over him? I don't care if they make a wall of hummus. I will go through.

with that original Joe's. Even a wall of hummus won't fucking keep me away from that fucking place. And I hate hummus breath. Right? So I go, it was horrific. Like, the blood on the floor looked black. And it was everywhere.

It was in puddles. Like, I never saw anything like that. San Francisco, they don't fuck around. I saw some good fistfights on the street. I saw some good fistfights. Oh, old school fizz fights. You know, drag them down, head through fucking glass windows, that type of shit.

where you're just sitting there going, fuck. Yeah. If I get into a fight on this street, it's on. I mean, it was on. Let me tell you what I saw there. There's different, every, you know, when Michael Vic got arrested and he spoke about the dog,

just so you motherfuckers know, I ain't fucking around here. And when they talked about Michael Vic and the dogs, they exposed it as something of the black culture. Okay. They said that dog fighting, like for Spanish people, chickens, whatever fuck they make, roosters fighting. Yeah. Roosters is a fucking.

cultural thing. When you go to Mexico or Cuba or any Latin American state to gamble, what do you think? They got to eat horses? They had a horse that they would have ate it already. They would have had a horse. So you have these little chickens and people fight them right there. I know they have them up in calabasas. They have them in different

locations around East LA. You go to fucking Roosca fight. Fuck yet. Well, you got 10 million Mexicans. What do you think they do? Part-time Disneyland? Fuck it. Sometimes you got to get two chickens and put them together. You know what I'm saying? Sometimes you only got enough money. You got a fluffy fucking thing. How much does it cost? How How much is this to promote a chicken fight?

Have you considered that? One flyer? No, two fucking chickens, a backyard, some beer, some tacos. That's it. What's it cost? What do you pay the fighters? There's no salaries? There's no insurance.

What do you think chickens have fucking insurance? They got to show off. No chickens have cut in the pay-per-view. There's no paper view. You don't got to cut in the fucking manager and the agent. It's dirt cheap. That's what leave we are. We make the best of what we have.

See, that's a good market for you. You should become a chicken's agent. Just start managing chickens. Let me ask you something. if I send you over there to fucking battle it out with those cucks out. Let me ask you this. So, you know, the cultural thing for, I don't know what it is. You know, from Mexico, maybe it's that.

Maybe it's things I don't know. But for Cubans, when they get into, you know, when Fidel let Mariel out in 79, people know this because of Scarface. He just didn't let out 100,000 nice Cubans. He let out 30,000 nice people and 70,000 animals. And I'm talking because there was a jail in Cuba called. it's called El Morro. El Morro is fucking horrendous.

They don't even have bathrooms. They have a hole in the floor. In the middle of the... They have, like, floors. And it's like G.V.MAC. Yeah. Like, you're in that auditorium. Yeah.

Naked. They take your clothes. If I took your clothes, what would that make you, Lee? A fucking animal. Yeah. So they created these animals in Cuba. This jail, you know,

and in that Cuban jail system, relationships blossom. Cuba has a relationship thing called umbuga-Rong. Umbougarong as a dude who dates gay guys, but they go the extra mile. They keep them dressed up. As girls? As girls.

Okay. So I'm on the street all day, sling and blow with my chick next to me. And it's really a guy with a wig with hairy arms, high heels, and I'm bitch-slapping him. He's running errands from me. He's going home to fucking... You were doing this or this? No. Oh, look, what are you talking?

This is the new story. There was an I'm in there. I just want to make sure... Yeah. What would that happen? But I'm with you. No, no, no. I hung out on the drug corner.

Okay. I'm walking through San, I get to San Francisco. I got a war in Boulder. The cops are looking for me in Boulder. I take a flight to San Francisco. I get off the bus. I go to the nearest fucking hotel. And I go, let me walk around.

I walk around. I hear Cuban talk. And I bump into these Cubans. I'm like, I'm fucking home. I haven't been around a Cuban since my mother died in 79. So it's 85. So when you hear Spanish, you can be like, that's Cuban? Yeah, I could say, and I go back and they're like, yeah, there's 300 of us on this neighborhood.

So I would go there every day. The leader was an old man named Budo. Budo was the old man. His hair was white, so they called him the pure one. And that's where you went for advice, and you spoke to him, and he didn't speak no English. And your entry was every morning you had to bring him a bottle. Okay.

So I would bring him like a little pie in the scotch, and he would say, God bless you, and the rest of my day would get going. So now I was allowed to traffic on the corner. Oh, okay. So I would bring him his little bottle of booze, and he wouldn't say shit to me. He'd say, listen, when this guy comes, be careful. when this guy comes, he sells coke.

So I would go down until the corner and just hang with them. And I'd say I see a tour, you ever go to a town and you see a guy walk up to you and go, hey, you want to buy some weed? And they'll get, come on, let me introduce you. That was me. That was me. Like, that's how fucking crazy. That was one of my many hustles.

That was one of my many hustles. And then I got into selling coke with them and fucking shaking people down with them. It was great. But while I was there on that corner, I had heard about something that. My mother used to always mention about Mugarong. It's a fucking guy who fucks men. but he dresses him up. And this guy was married with kids

and he had a house in San Francisco. But in the daytime, he'd fuck around with this monster. He had created this fucking... This fucking thing you created. So weird. And he lived with her in the daytime. So if you wanted to buy Coke, I would have to deal with him to buy Coke.

Like, I would have to buy, like... In those days, he'd give me, like, you know, 20 spoons, $10 spoons for $150. So I could make $50 bucks if I sold all of them. Okay. So that was one of my many angles. I would have to go to his house in the morning, and the guy would have his wig on halfway on,

and he'd have, like, a beard, like, not shaving the night before. And if the guy didn't know where he was, one time he smacked him right in front of me. It was fucking amazing. He just cursed her out and started smacking his bitch right, and there was no domestic violence. You know, it's like Miss Pat. When Miss Pat was on the podcast,

she spoke about how she had a relationship when she was 12 with a 25-year-old man. In a white community, that's child molestation, And the black community, it's just another motherfucking day. You know what I'm saying? And that's how that life's told for me to see it. Like I had heard stories about, you know, men date another man and fags fucking each other in the ass.

But I had never saw a man that dressed up in a suit that was like a businessman. And next to him, he had a man with a wig on that I was supposed to bring in here and you guys are supposed to say, oh, yeah, that's a woman. It was the weirdest scenario. So if you said to him, are you gay, he like, no, I'm not, No, I'm not gay.

I'm a Muggaron. He sucks my dick. That's their mentality. The guy sucks my dick. I don't suck their dick. He sucks my dick. I fuck him in the ass. That's it.

Okay. He sucks my dick and I come on his wig and whatever else goes. It's the relationship. You know what I'm saying? So how did you find Reno? So how I found Reno. So how I found Reno was to. I was on that corner one day, and I had my girlfriend with me at the time.

Who's my first, the chick I married before I went to me. when I came out of prison, Kathy. Right. And she's a young girl. We're young kids. We're 21. 21? It's the summer of, it's the, it's August, maybe, September of 85.

So what could it be? It was 29 years ago. I'm 51 years old, guys. How fucking old can I fucking be? 22, y'all, that's crazy. So it's me and her, and I kept breaking into, I was, what I did in the, I had 18 occupations, But my main occupation was I dress up in a suit

And I go to the Hilton And I'd wait for people to check in And I listen to them having conversations At the concierie and the hotel front desk And if I saw them turn right around I mean guys, when I tell you I was a scumbag I was a scumbag I would get the keys to the fucking hotel rooms

In those days the maids didn't have electronic keys So they open your keys with regular keys And they leave your key in the door I'd walk by and go, hello, I need towels If they went in that room I'd take the keys out of the fucking thing Now the next day I'd dress up in a suit They couldn't change all the locks that fucking fast

I had them I had them So I would come in and dress with a suit I'd get to Wall Street Journal And I'd sit and see people walk into the hotel and check out It was all over I'd count them Once I seen them go west on fucking whatever street

I'd shoot up to their room And burglarize them I was fucking nuts guys So I would be doing that I was cashing hot Travelers checks Travelers checks were huge American Express travelers checks

Because as soon as you lose them They'll replace them Oh. You're following me? There's no electronic guy like there's no now with a credit card. I got to swipe it. So if I steal your traveler's checks, that was your money.

Yeah, that's your money. You just go to a bank and replace them. That's American Express is guaranteed. But they can't put a stophold on the ones you lost. There were individual pieces of paper. They're like cash, $50 a piece. By the time they found out, it would have been too late. So I would go to Korea Town or Japanese town.

Up by North, by Van Estreet. There's a Japan town. I would go to Japan town and use them. The Japanese wouldn't ask you for her ID. They didn't give a fuck. A wink is as good as a nod to a blind horse. You got to match the signature on the thing and have an ID. The Japanese store, they didn't give a fuck.

So you went into a place, bought a $2 piece of gum, and gave him a $50 fucking traveler's check, and they give you back $48 cash. Oh, okay. Do you follow how you fucking make the money there? That's the bottom level of the street shit. But that bottom level makes you $5, 6,000. $100 a day.

How would you find $600 a day worth of it? I just told you. So let's say I went to your room and you left travelers checks up there, $1,000 worth of traveling. You didn't have a way to get them all the time. Oh, I could get them too because people would bring them to me. They were stolen. So let's say I had all, I would sit on a corner. People knew I spoke

English. So they, the Cubans, the Mexicans, anytime they got something that they couldn't make happen, they come to me. And I was the middleman. I was there for 50 fucking percent of the tape. You understand? I was fucking young and crazy. And the thing is when people get travelers checks, they don't just get like $20 worth.

No. They're bringing plenty of, like, that's their spending money for their vacations. Okay. So a good day, you could probably, God, no. So I'd have 15 guys out there looking for travelers checks. And they would bring them to me because they knew they'd get 50% of the dollar.

So if they came to them with $1,000 worth of the travelers checks, I would go out and buy shit for them because I had the face, the ID, the fucking suit, and I would give them back 500 or 400, whatever, and I would keep 3 or 400. I'd shop at the same time, but I have to shop in Japan time

in this Japaneseville. There was other places that wouldn't look at your car. It's a fucking scam, and everybody's in it. That's why I don't want people at home to think, well, no, everybody's in it. Everybody knows, because those merchants are going to get their money back

from American Express, too. Once they deposit those 50s, they're going to go, oh, those are stolen, Hey man, what about the fucking, he bought a camera, he bought a TV set, he bought a house, you know, whatever the fuck. So I'm on this, I have a thousand things going on. I have the drugs, that shit, I'm breaking into rooms. How quickly, before you tell me about the, how quickly when you get to a new city are you setting, like, oh, like I can't even imagine. It took me 72 hours to get. And you set up a whole criminal organization.

No fucking thing, 72 hours. Wow. You get one person going, you prove yourself, and that's it. You're not a cop, you're in. You're in. And every day, people are like, hey, man, you know, it's like when I lived in New York, I would go over to the city and buy so much weed in the city.

One day they go, dude, you should help us sell weed. Because people are unemployed. That's what they do in New York City. So you would go to the corner and some guy would go, here's 20 nickel bags. At $5 a piece, it's $125, correct? $20? No, there's $100.

Give me $50 of that. Go sell. So that's how fucking people make their money. You sell 300 nickel bags, whatever it is, you make yourself $150. That's a lot of money. $150, a lot of money for some people. And if they could do that by fucking lunchtime,

to feed their daughter, what the fuck they have, you know? You can't judge them. That's what they do. That's what the fuck they do, you know? Right. So I was involved in so many different things as a street criminal that one day the cops were looking for them. I broke into this room.

They caught me in the room, but I talked myself out of the cops. But the people were German tourists, and they called the fucking other cops and said, what the fuck just happened? We've been robbed, and they let the guy go. So now the cops are coming to the hotel So I walk into my hotel

And the hotel desk clerk It says to me The cops are on their way Into your room Get out Next time we go to San Francisco I'll take you to the Virginia hotel It's now the hostel

And if you make a left Down to the main street And you make a right up a block There's a bus station So when I found out the cops Looking for me I ran for it Me and the girl Go come on let's go

We got to go So we went to a bus station To decide what we're going to do And they're like a bus leaves for Reno in seven minutes. And you're going, fuck it. Let's get the bus to Reno. It'll give us the time to clear our minds.

He was like, I don't know, $8 for the bus to Reno, and they gave you a $10 coupon pack, and you got to eat and shit like that, and then you have a return bus ride. So me and her went to Reno for the night. Like, well, let's go in the bus. Let's go to Reno. Let's take our chances.

We'll come back. We've got a little bit of cash. We'll gamble. We're on the bus, and we meet this fucking across them. In those days, buses had bathrooms. Yeah, yeah. We were right by the back, and there was his little Egyptian dude.

I didn't know what he was. I just thought he was a half of Hindu, so I didn't give a fuck. But finally we started talking. In those days, I didn't know nothing. In those days, I thought there were Cubans, Mexicans, Chinese, Japanese, and Puerto Ricans. That's it.

That's all I had ever met. I'd just come out of Jersey. A couple Jews, some Germans, some Italians. I didn't know it about Hindus and fucking Egyptians and fucking Ali Baguangwan. I didn't know nothing about nothing. I didn't know. I was a fucking dumb fucking.

kid. So here I am on the bus, staring at this Mexican, and he comes over and he goes, no, I'm Egyptian. Sit down. Let's talk. And he goes, you want to get high? He goes, sure. So he rolled the fucking joint. That's the first person ever who showed me real hash. I was going to say Did he have hash? That's the first person ever

that goes, let me tell you what I got. And he opened up a bag, like a duffel bag. This is way before anybody carried a fucking those bag. He carried a bag. And he had a little brick of hash with, like, wax paper on it, and he called a wax paper back. And you can see the stamp. That's the first time I had ever saw a stamp.

I had heard about it. He had the fucking block of hash staffed with a gold steel of approval. That means it was good. And he took it, he broke it on the plane, but he mixed it with nicotine. I had never smoked before. They mix hash with nicotine and a little bit of weed, and they rolled it up. And he lit that motherfucking swift on the bus dog. The bus driver had to pull over.

I had to puke because I had never smoked nicotine. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he took like a weed hit? You take a weed hit? Oh my God, I got pale, my temperature fucking dropped, 3,000 degrees. And I remember walking through Reno, and getting my thing together. I had weed.

I had lost the Egyptian kid. It was me and Kathy, and I had weed, and I kept asking people, what do I got rolling papers? And let me tell you how, in those days, they give you 30 fucking years if you had weed in Reno in 1985. Weed was so bad that the criminals were even going, please stay. Can you go away from us?

So like criminals Like can you go away from us Because you're fucking You're gonna get arrested And you're gonna put heat on us Black I remember I was going to a black neighbor In Reno like outside of liquor store Going who's got rolling paper

And they're like don't even talk about that shit around here That's how crazy even rolling papers were In 1985 in Reno Wow Yeah because when we went to Vegas Last week I was trying to pretend like I wasn't high Because I had heard that Nevada is really not cool with weed

but apparently now it's okay. Lee, listen, when you're high, nobody gives a fuck. You know what I'm saying? Where's Tony Bennett at? Let's get this day started right. Little Tony Bennett will get to my man over here, Raffis Sparza. Little Tony Bennett for the motherfucker, Mr. Sutheran. It's classic.

Give my mom a little fucking light up there in hell. Where the fuck she is? Hell, Pergatory. Who gives her fuck? I want to be around. Oh, shit. To pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks.

your heart Lee get it together cocks up you want some more Go me bad on the next one Oh okay that has to know I know that your resistance Is getting a little fucking Look check it on

I'm sure you did I'm a backup just a kiss I'm sure you have like a tool belt Like Batman We're just an edible Ready to go That would be really funny I do probably have a utility belt

With belts and weed and pipes and fucking vapor pens and you better trademark that charges and someone's going to draw it someone's going to draw it and send it to us by the time this podcast is over what are you got to do things are bad all over rap as far as I talk to me you bad

motherfucker what's happened baby well first of all thank you for having me on this is beautiful I bumped into you the jihitsu party yesterday raff has a very popular podcast which I did and I just wanted to get them on and I joined the Jiu Jitsu BJJJJJJJJJJJJJJournal Yeah.

I got on there. What did you think of it? You know, so far, I like that I could, so far, I can't figure out how to write the techniques in there. Yeah. There's a couple things I'm confused about, but I like that you could put your calendar dates in there. Yes. You know how many times you trained in a month? And then the notes I've been writing the techniques on learning.

So that's, yeah. It's a site put together by one of our friends, BJJ Training Journal.com. It's basically like a log. You know, every sport now is telling you, log your shit. If you're running, use this Nike watch, all the sports. bullshit. But Abishi had this really cool idea of not only tracking the days that you're going, but also a tap tracker where you can actually count how many times you beat or lose to somebody if you're into that. Like whatever motivates you. You can do a technique. You can send a technique

to your friends. So it's really, really cool. We were really big proponents of it when he told us about it. And the other thing is, he's an upstanding guy. Anytime you get somebody who you like know as a good human being, you want to get behind that when they're doing good shit. And I remember the first time he showed it to me I almost didn't want to tell my co-host I was like, I don't want him to know this because it's really good and if he finds out he's going to use it

so I'm just going to keep it on the secret for a little while. But dude, honestly, and maybe you feel the same way, but when I update that shit, it'll show you how many days you've been going per month or per 60 days or per 90s days and it'll show you in rankings

for Jitsu. So it equates them. It's like, oh, you've gone once a week. That's a white belt. You've gone three times a week. You've made it up to blue. I'm now up to like 5.16 and I'm still at fucking brown belt level further. And I'm like, how many fucking days do I have to go a week to get to fucking black belt? Yeah. I mean, these people need to have a life and actually not train jihitsu like one day off maybe. But man, it's changed a lot of my game. So for me, I love seeing that this month. It was like five days a week. so that even, as you know, when you're gigging,

trying to get out there to do this shit is so hard to find the time. But it's a nice reinforcer, so definitely. You know, I know that you don't have much. He's just a friend of ours. It was weird because when I signed up on the site, he sent me a personal email, and he goes, is this is John Evans, Joey Diaz? And I go, yeah, and he goes,

oh, it's great to have you on the site. And one thing I was having problems with, that I was doing in every other aspect. For me, I've done this in every other aspect of my life, because I consider myself an unintelligent person is that I write everything out especially when it comes to stand-up

you know, to stand-up if you're not looking at those jokes analytically and going while that word doesn't belong in there you're really not doing stand-up, you know, it's kind of weird and I didn't do that for 15 years so I really wasn't doing stand-up and it's weird when I first joined jujitsu I would base, my goal would be just to survive

if I can make the class and not have a heart attack and not leaving an ambulance I did okay What I learned, I could give a Frenchman's fuck what I learned. I just don't want to die today, that's it. And I never thought about writing. And then I would go home, I'd go to a class, and I go to a town where they go, want a row? Yeah. And I would see an opening for that move that John Evan taught or Marcello, and I grabbed the leg and do this, and all of a sudden I get choked up.

And I go, what did I do wrong? Well, I didn't write to move out when I learned it. So I started running home after my gigs, maybe a month before we had our little meeting. running home wouldn't even take a call wouldn't even call anybody sometimes I get in the car and I have three miss calls fucking when I get home and I drop my bag and write down what I learned step-by-step hand so like left leg here right here and here switch your hips move your left knee under his armpit pull his body over and now you could open up the fucking leg I mean just little things that I was and I

still do it like I still go home and miss a fucking point and go to class two days later and fuck it up like I was doing Thursday Thursday was the most interesting class I've ever been involved with it because I never had so much problems with a move that involved your feet. It involved our feet and we could not get it. I think one of us got it and the other guy would do it, then we would mess it up again. And it's just little things like that that make the difference

whether you're going to pick up a guy that's 100 pounds heavy in you or you're going to use your, or you're going to bench press them. You know, there's techniques that they teach you that, you, that you couldn't maneuver a guy that's 80 pounds bigger than you. If you stick to that technique with the momentum that you have going, but if you miss that little inch, you're just going to put more workforce onto you. Like the other day when I was trying to move you

and that fucking caveman around, that's that. He's a fucking caveman. You can't move that motherfucker. You know, he's a wall of brick. You know, it's funny, as you mentioned this, so any good comic should always be writing down shit. You've got pen and paper right there. I'm a huge fan of moleskins.

Look at this right here. This is actually, it doubles as a log that I used to use for Jiu-Jitsu. This is all the way back from like 2012, and I went to visit a place. And I would do the same thing. You see it's like as you got shot in on, move arm, back of head and through the neck. Pay Me Hands is what we used to refer to that. You know the, I don't know why, but the first time I heard pay me hands, I was like, got it. That was the easiest, I think.

thing anybody has ever told me. But I, and doing it on here just became so hard because this became where I'd do my comedy. So I would think, oh yeah, you know, I'd write a joke here, no problem. It got to this point where I'd be like, oh, fuck, a joke goes here, skip five pages, put training here. And I would look at this, but not as religiously as I would as something on the computer. So when I found that website, I was like, this is a game changer. This is going to, you know, and I'm not great. at Jiu-Jitsu. But I have what I like to call, and we'll talk about this, I think, in a second,

but like a comic's work ethic where I'll put it in the time. I'll show up. And there's something about comedy and jihitsu that is very similar in the fact that you suck for the very beginning. You know, you're open mics. You're doing all this shit. You think you're probably good, but you're probably not. But you continue working at it and you develop this muscle of getting better. So for me, I would just go home, write the shit down. And before you knew it, I found that there are things that I was better at, not great at. And it's a matter of chaining those things together for me. And that's why when I fucking go, like, beating people is like secondary.

I'm hugely competitive with myself. And training partners, I want to make them get better, help everybody do that sort of thing. But for me, if I'm improving from where I came in, that's the competitiveness that I like, that I walk in. And I go, oh, shit, I was better than I was when I walked back in. So, you know, John was showing us some great half-guard stuff last week, the Thursday. It was tough, man. I mean, you know, the funny part is, I think you understand this. When somebody just shows you it and it looks like super simple, they just go, what?

You guys didn't. They do it real fast. You didn't do it? You guys can't do that? That's crazy. I don't know why you can't do that. You've been drilling it for years. And I get this expectation like, okay, what the fuck hand here?

I don't know what the fuck to do. Yeah, I never did Jiu-Jitsu, but I wrestled for a bunch of years, and it was a big difference between a good coach and a coach who could teach you while you're doing, because that's, I'm sure it can get really frustrating, especially when you're teaching white belts. Even in Jiu-Sit-so, I'm sure the guy teaches a white-belt class must have a couple weeks at the beginning of each new class.

Like, what the fuck? I hate white belts. But it takes a special person, I think, to teach, like, The big, the movie. Patience. Yeah. I mean, we lucked out. I looked for the better part of two years within the Valley, going to every place.

And I could find things that I liked about certain places, but I never found somebody who had my style of teaching. And then I stumbled on the jackpot between at Valley Martial Arts Center. We've got a guy named Marcello, Marcelo de Pauli, and he, man, he works you to the bone, but he strips you of all of your strength doing something we call Marcelo Madness, which is high-end cardio. and some CrossFit in there too, so that you have to depend on the technique. You're stripped of all your strength, so everybody's kind of same level.

And if you know the technique, you're able to beat somebody. And on our morning classes or our afternoon classes, we have John Evans, who's All-American Captain America, if you would, who like never, ever says the following, like, you can't do it. John Evans is this guy who just is like, oh, well, that was really good, Raff. Jesus, I mean, you know, you did a great back role, and now you're doing this. this and you're doing great. And the thing is he's not bullshitting. Like, I know a bullshitter when I see it.

So when he's telling you this, it's a good encouragement. And he's not telling you the technique is right if it's not. He's telling you this aspect of what you're doing is great. So when I found this combination of this and the people, I was like, fuck yes. I've got my spot. And they just celebrated three years yesterday. It's funny. I took my wife yesterday.

Oh, cool. I took Mercy and Mercy jumped around and jumped on the mats. And when I got in the car, my wife goes, you know, Joey, I can see why you come here now. Because I really get it. Because I really get it. I go, it's your little escape. And I go, it's two days a week. Yeah.

It's one hour and a half that I go and nobody cares about comedy and nobody knows what I'm doing this weekend. And that's so important to me. You know, and she told me, she goes, I wish I had, but I could see her looking at the pictures. And she's like, I'll put mercy in something like this. I go, you know, my life was completely different as a child. when I did martial arts. Don't get me wrong. I was still a fucking savage,

but I belonged to something. And I belong to something that, and I don't mean to use this, I'm not saying about you. I was around good people. I wasn't around the people I was around. In those days, we called them geeks. And what we did was on, I mean, it was amazing.

I had these two lives. I had this life that I played basketball, and I cursed with these guys, and we got the fist fights, and, you know, we smoked a little bit of pot after the games. And then I had this life with these white kids. and these Spanish kids that nobody did drugs. These guys didn't even talk about that.

These guys wouldn't even consider raising their hands to people. They were very decent, and our adventures were we worked out. Everybody had a basement. Everybody's mother had a basement. And you put your geese on, you swept the floor, and you fucking kicked the shit out of each other. And then you went and ordered pizza. It's a weird thing when you're a child.

And on Saturdays, we'd take a bus. we'd each take a bus and go into New York into a place called Honda. Honda, at that time, Honda Unlimited, I don't even know if they're still in business, was one of the biggest martial arts supply stores that you had ever seen. They had floors.

Floors. You ever go to Valley Martial Arts Center down the corner? They've been there since 1960. And you go in there, and it's a museum. If you really like that, they have pads and pictures and New Chucks and Stars and Japanese. these ointments for your hand and you know fucking hard everything and that's what Honda had so we would go in and go wow look at that geet oh I'm saving up for that

you know oh my god look at those new chucks oh we're saving up for that it's 19 I mean and I would hang out with kids that delivered newspapers to save up for new chugs and then the next day I would go hang out with kids who stole the newspapers from the machines and sell them to make do you understand what I'm saying to you it was a different one work ethic. And I was between both, I was in a rock and a hard place. I love hanging out with my geeks. Mario Diaz was a geek, a Cuban chemistry geek. But at night he was a fujia pie kung fu guy. And his father was Cuban. He was his mother was Chinese. So he'd go to his basement. And he beat us up and then talked to us about his chemistry set. And he was a fucking geek. We used to call him a Stein because he was Frankenstein, like whatever, like a, you know.

Like he'd make potions. He used to call him Stein. Because he, you know, Dia Stein, because he made potions and shit. But meanwhile, he'd fuck your world up with trip. And he was a sweeper. This country forgot to sweep. The sweep was huge.

I don't know why nobody's sweeping in the UFC. You kick somebody three times. The fourth one is a sweep. And next you know they're in the air. This guy was a sweeper. And he spun swept you, so he'd suck you in with the spinning back kick. from a distance, papa. And then once you got closer to him,

bam! And next thing you know, he was spinning and you were up in the air. And I remember going in there, like years later, I bumped into him, and I was all drugged up,

and he never judged me. He gave me a hug. And I go, Mario, can we go pee? And can I pee in your house? And I went into his house to pee, and he goes, come on, let's go up. And I remember looking in the basement where we used to fight his kids.

You know, this was, I mean, I grew up in Mario's house, between the ages of maybe like 9 and 14 I fought in his house and this is maybe when I was like 18 and fucked up and he knew I was fucked up but he let me in his house to pee and I remember walking in that room and smelling that room and seeing all the holes in the wall that we had to cover with posters because we would put each other through the fucking walls and those you know a wall it was nothing in those days yeah drywall yeah a wall was dry wall with a hole behind it so if I go to kick up you know and those is I'm like ah ah you know one of those powers sidekicks and you move my foot would go right through the fucking wall I don't know how many times Mario's father drove kids to the hospital I have no idea how many times

Mario's father at 11 o'clock at night had to get up and drive I knew for a fact he drove a kid once for like an arm Mario busted his fucking arms and the guy was hanging there with his bones sticking out going this how tough this kid was I don't need to go to no fucking hospital

I need to go to no hospital my my father broke his arm he didn't go to the hospital a kid was talking to us. That's how tough he was. So it's really weird what it does for me, any place when I walk into the martial arts, especially Valley. Valley, I was scared shit when I'm still scared.

How are you scared? I get a note. I got a note yesterday from somebody. I got two notes yesterday. I got a note from a kid that said that he joined Jiu-Jitsu. He works with a Cincinnati Reds. Okay, as a clubhouse boy or something, he joined Jiu-Jitsu, and that there's times he drives Jiu-Jitsu,

who looks in and drives the fuck away. That was me for the first 90 days that place. You don't know how many times I drove to the front and said, there's nobody here. Pam! And there was fucking tons of people there. And then another kid wrote me yesterday that he got, his brother bought him something for Higgen Machado thing yesterday,

and Carlsbad or something. And he goes, I didn't want to go. I had gone to class Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and I got beat up. And he goes, so I went for the Higin seminar yesterday, and it was the best thing I've done for my life. Good for him. Yeah, you got it.

Bro, I get scared. In the beginning, I was really scared. I'll tell you, you know, anxiety is a huge thing. I remember when I first started, for me, and maybe it's the same for you, I don't know, but I like connecting with people. So if I connect with people really quick and I form a good bond

and I feel like I like the people, I can chill there and I can be fine. Because the thing is, when you start off, you're terrible. and you can't reach them on a technique level yet. Like you can't connect and say, oh man, that was a great sweep that I did.

Or I know this transition. So you don't have that there. You've got interpersonal stuff. So my role in making me feel comfortable at the very beginning was to crack jokes and just walk in and talk about how shitty I was. I was like, man, that was really shit. And the people are in jiu-jitsu are such.

You have to believe it. You have to wholeheartedly believe you can become better. So there's this whole psychology of, no, you can do it. So when I would go in there, I'd make jokes about how shitty it was. They're like, no, you're great. And I was like, but let's be real. You choke the shit out of me in two seconds. And they just start laughing.

And I was like, all right. Now, once you get people laughing, they're on your side. They want to help you and they want to get there. So at first, anxiety, terrible. But I would force myself. I would just literally walk in, even on days when I was feeling low or I didn't feel like, I was at their level. I would just be like, fuck it.

You know, I can make them on my terms. And the thing I loved about Valley martial arts is when I walked in, I was greeted. I could see the students. I love the space. And when I interacted with the students, they weren't meatheads. They weren't stupid. They weren't overtly super nerds. I mean, they're nerds, but they weren't combative nerds.

It was just a friendly environment. And having that connected this, it, It makes the hugest difference. And now when I go to other gyms, I see it a lot more. I see a lot of people who are so open. They recognize me from the podcast or from being some idiot that they know on TV or something like that. I don't know, from whatever things that we're doing.

And they're open. They go out of their way to be nice to us. And it's a truly great feeling. And I know that now you've got people who are offering to have you come roll with them. And I know that's it's the same thing you find when you go to them. places and I love it I love going to interact with people now it's funny that you and I have been talking a lot about comedy and jiu-jitsu yeah if it wasn't for my comedy experiences I would have quit jiu-suitzu last July after how long two

months it's two months in July okay because it just wasn't going nowhere it just wasn't going nowhere for me even today I've been doing and I've seen a bit of improvement I'm going to stop here. Not for the improvement. You know, we all want to do flying arm bars, you know. You know, the weird part is I don't know that other people gauge it. You know, you've had John Evans on and you've had a lot of, you had Kyle on and at different points of your journey on here. But I don't know if your listeners and your viewers know how much you've improved.

And it's drastic. It really is. And you see it. And sometimes this is the best thing for me, too, is you don't know. someone confronts you and tells you you made improvements. And for me, watching you do your journey, there's shit that you're doing, and this is one of my favorite notes, and you need to know this.

John Evans told me this the other day. He was just like, you know what? I'm really happy with Joey Diaz. When I tell him to do something, he doesn't say no. I go, try this. And he does it. And he goes, even if it's hard for him, he does it, and he makes really good improvements on it.

And I was like, dude, John Evans can talk about any student and make an example out of them. but he chose to use you. So I think that was stuff that you needed to know. And I think it's good to know that kind of benchmarking that you're at. You have to have a trust. Yeah. Nothing bothers me more when somebody who needs help with comedy comes to me,

takes my time up. I bump into him three weeks later, and he's doing something completely different. I'm here to learn from you. If you know about podcasting, This is what I know about. Well, Joey, how the fuck? Who said you?

Listen, I get on stage every night. You don't. Let's leave it at that. If I need to help with the computer, I come to you. Open your heart and listen to me. Yeah. It's very hard to get somebody to do that. It's very hard to get somebody to say,

when John Evans has me hold him sometimes and go switch your hips, guys, I'm 300 pounds. I'm not going to lie to you. I can't switch my hips. and just land on a hip. You know what I'm saying? It's like Alejandro's a sweetheart of a guy. A guy from John Jaka Purple Belt

last week he was teaching me a movement. He goes, before we go any further, have you ever rolled on your shoulder, Joey? No, let's fucking do it together. Did you watch that last week? I love that shit. And he picked me up and rolled me on my shoulder and it was an inch from going,

pop! I felt it right here. When I was rolling on it, I felt the 300 pounds, I was an inch from it going, pop, from it just twisting and breaking. but he took me to a different dimension and I did it.

When somebody tells you, somebody loves you, and you know when they got love for you, not some guy that goes, hey, come here, go punch that dude. No, I'm talking about it. When the motherfucker got love for you, and he calls you over and goes,

come me, do me for me in favor. See that guy, man? Go up to him and fucking punch him in the fucking mouth. There's no question. There's no what. What did he do to you? What did he do? I want to know.

Go, trust me. We're going to get this motherfucker cracking. It's the same. And I take it back to put your foot there. Jump up and down. If John try to tell me about comedy, I go, John, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. But John's telling me about what I know this guy knows about.

So I have to trust them. You have to trust the people you're involved. Nothing is worse than going to a class. And you've seen this where a teacher teaches an arm bar. And there's always one jerk off that said, well, I learned it this way. different place. I'm going to do it this way. Try it my way. Just fucking shut your fucking mouth and try it this way. You might put both of them together and that's where the art really is of taking a little bit of Rafi style, a little bit of fucking the Flying Juice style, a little bit of my

style and putting it together. I want people to come to me and say, you got that from Rafi. I want Rafi that pulled me aside and go, you motherfucker. You stole that. I moved from me, but you added the armbar to it. You're the end, you motherfucker. Ralph, are you going to be mad? Not at all, but you're a real artist. You're a real jiu-jitsu guy. That's what real people do.

That's just what this is about. Do you know what I love to do? I love to teach people, especially if I've caught them with something, I like to teach them and go, this is exactly what I did. Because I say, I don't want to beat you with this anymore. I want this to be harder for me. And I want you to know exactly what I'm going to do, because it's harder if you've taught them how to do it.

that they started doing it. And truth be told, one of the first things I remember teaching you was like a cross-collar to kind of maintain position. I'll be damned if the next week you weren't doing that shit to me when we're jogging for position. I was like, this motherfucker's doing it. And I couldn't be happier about it. You couldn't be happy.

Do you remember you and I went to, listen to the story, you and I went to have a drink one night and do comedy in Hollywood at a place. Right. And we see the hot chick, but not a bar that I knew. Remember that girl? Remember when she walked away, I go, look at this fucking dummy. And what did I say?

This fucking dumb cunt didn't listen to me because she's bartending. Yeah. How hot was that girl? She was pretty hot. Doug, this bitch was being touted out of Chicago. Okay. This bitch was a waitress. That was a part-time comic.

And somebody from the industry walked into Zanis, and she was doing an open mic and told her, when you moved to L.A., you contact this office. And there wasn't a guy. It was a woman who saw her from, like, Indesani's. innovative agency and she was casting it somewhere. So she calls, she sees me at the comedy club. She goes, hi, you've done all these movies and all this. And I just want to ask you some questions. Now, between you and me guys, in my heart, I wanted to fuck this girl.

But at the time, I think I was doing drugs and she was very sweet. So I took it with a guy, I looked at her eyes and I go, this girl really wants help. And on a Saturday, I woke up fucking hungover from a hangover. And I met this girl. I have to snort and blow or whatever, and I met this girl. And out of my own pocket, I took a little lunch and sat with her for four hours and broke down stand-up. And what she had to do?

When you look that good, don't sleep with guys, you know, all the girl. And then, you ready for this? They were doing a movie in Chicago. The fucking chick called him and said, I got you three days on the movie in Chicago. This chick was making waves out of Chicago guys. She had a scene with Usher. She did a scene with Usher where she kissed them. and this chick had a chance.

And all she needed was six minutes of fucking comedy and to shut her fucking mouth. Then when she came here, I met with her again and the fucking girl that she was living with. And we went over comedy and where to go and set a punchline and she went to the bookstore and bought stand-up comedy.

And she was doing spots. I mean, it was amazing. And then one day I talked, I see it behind the gym. And I go, how the fuck are you? Did you go down to the... the improv because she's an improv girl. No, my friends told me to go to college, you know, whatever

the fuck this comedy thing was. Okay. Whatever the fuck it was. Like whatever plan we had discussed and the helper, she's spit in my face. No. And by the way, you were wrong about that agency. My girlfriend told me, and I'm sitting there going, your girlfriend told you.

You're looking at my fucking, look at this fucking face. This is the ugliest fucking thing on television. And I'm getting television work and film work, and you're telling me That your 22-year-old girlfriend told you. End the conversation. When's the next time I see it? A year ago at that bar?

Behind the bar. Bartending on a Monday night, the one that used to be Acapulco on Sunset, when they do comedy on Mondays. And they do, it's a sports bar now, happy endings. I see her being, and she's now, she entered the realm of bartending.

She's the hot bartender chick in Hollywood. That's terrible. And she was engaged, and she was going to get married, and that's her life. because she didn't fucking understand that. You know what? Maybe I'm not fucking dang cook, but the kid looks the way he has and has survived in this.

He's doing something fucking right. I always look to the guy that's doing something right. That's who I want to fucking hang out with, whether he's not liked or whether I don't like him or I don't like his body. When I said jiu-jitsu and I don't know nothing, when I walk into jiu-jitsu, first of all, I leave everything in the car. I don't even leave it at the door.

I leave it in the car, which means there's no ego. There's no Joey Diaz. There's no comedy. There's no nothing. I go in there, my mind is completely open. If I see Kyle do a hip escape a certain way and you do it, I emulate it because it's working for them. He has fucking 10 stripes on his belt. I have one.

You understand me? That's always been my mentality. I take things for what they are. This girl spit in my face. Like many others. I've had 100,000 people that have looked at me and said, you don't know what you're talking about. Okay, then do what you want to do. I'm telling you to do this.

I just had a guy two years ago that argued me at a diner about a movie he wanted to do. I'm like, bro, if you do that movie, if you sell it, they're going to add the character to it. You know, the female character, the love interest? Yeah. He's telling me, no, they're not. But I own the script.

I own the script. Bro, I'm telling you, they're going to add, you have too much dick in here. This is coming from somebody who's a non-writer who's just seen a thousand movies. You ever seen a movie by the name The Departed? Yeah. Why was that chick in the departed?

What was her point And the departed? The psychiatrist chick What was her fucking point? I will sit here until you tell me Her fucking point in the bucket What was her point? She was hot?

Okay, my point. Anybody else have any other movie where We don't know the reason why that girl is there But she's fucking there. Anybody else? That's what they do in Hollywood. They love that thing. It's like that school you go to that says,

No, you need to start by the closed guard. We don't pull guard here. You need to. Sometimes you got to. do what the fuck you gotta do if you gotta make a fucking plan sometimes you gotta make a left to make a right yep you understand me so i don't get it i was telling this guy that i'm an idiot i'm a fucking asshole and i'm telling you you got too many explosions and too much cock in this movie there's got to be a love interest a girlfriend has to die of cancer something she loses a tit

something has to happen here the english pacin rocky why was fucking a agent in rocky who the fuck know she's a retarded woman. They put her there. She had a dog. Who the fuck knows? But don't sit there and tell me, Joey, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Sure enough, he sells the thing for half pride to some Iranian fucking terrorist

company, and they even told, even the Iranians were like, where is the love interest? Even they fucking do it in their fucking language. So he calls me back, he goes, dog, I don't know whether I should take the script back. I go, any studio you take it to, I'm telling you, it's going to ask you for a fucking love interest. And I'm no Pulitzer Prize winner.

I just seen a thousand fucking movies. Name one movie that you watch it. You go, why the fuck is she here? That's my Megan Fox has a career, essentially. I'm sorry, I get emotional. No, dude, that A, needed to happen. B, I'm glad it happened. See, I'm as furious as you are because, and again, comedy jihitsu overlap.

As somebody who I don't think I'm naturally talented at that sort of stuff, I just know I work fucking hard. And the thing is, when I hear that somebody just blows that shit away, nothing's more infuriating than that. Nothing. Nothing. Fucking. Oh, my God.

I was at the open mat two months ago, and there was a heavier black belt from John John. You ever see that guy? He's a big guy. A little chubby a guy. This guy came over to me in the middle of my huff and puffing and he goes, can I talk to you a second? Because I'm a little bit of a fat guy. Because I got to tell you something.

I'm going to tell you what John Jack told me. You could jump up. down all you want. You can get people in headlocks. You got to lose the fat around your stomach because you're whatever's there. What's that thing that helps you breathe? Lung. Lung. Clorophyll, the other thing in the middle that you tap into when you do the breath of fire and all that. Diaphram? Whatever, they're diaphragm. He goes, no matter how you cut it, you got to lose that fat around your stomach because you're diaphragm. I giggle, shook his hand, and I knew what he was talking about. You know how many people would take offense to that?

Yeah, yeah. Lee, when I talk to you some times and I fucking get mad at you, you take a offense, but I'm not lying to you. I'm your brother. I'm not lying to you. Yeah. I just get infuriated because you're sitting at, they're looking at me like, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. I don't know what you talk. That's when I get hot, because that's how I was raised. When somebody who knows that they're talking about, you can't take offense. People take offense. You know, you know how many people have confidence says, you're a great comedy, you got to stop cursing. You're this, that's her opinion. I love it. But I don't take offense to it because I know where it's coming from in their heart. Yeah. I know some

people who may be cute and say something. There's some people in Jiu-Tit-too who are cute, but very, very not really. It's hard to think about that at the beginning, though. Like, everyone, like, even just like someone like that, I could see, even though if it's, even though if it's the nicest person in the world,

it kind of feels like an attack. Like, you get, that's something I try to work on is I get defensive quickly sometimes. It's hard not to, but it's just to know that, like, if someone came over and told me, like, I'm trying to lose weight. If someone came told me like oh you get to lose a weight around your stomach like yeah I know that and like

it would it might offend me like just thinking if that had happened to me like it probably would have offended me and it's it's it's true but it's just it's not it's why the people didn't listen to you it's they their friend probably told them an easier way I like when somebody's very honest yeah and I know by the tone of somebody's voice when somebody's very honest with me and it really impresses me about a person and it gives me motivation when a person comes to me from the heart and says this is and looks at me and says I like to talk to you my son now um you know nothing nothing laugh but when you put your arm there no if you talk to me that way I'm not going to talk to you go rap I need to talk to you about something dog you've already gotten submitted

four times at that fucking stupid wing every time it goes up it needs to go away wrath okay and you're look at me going where you attack him no I'm your brother and that's it yeah you can't keep fucking doing that put the wing down and he can't if you put your hand your base down he won't butterfly you. Put the fucking bass down. What the fuck? I want this, and you'll go, sometimes people need a kick in the fuck,

an old school kick in the ass. I can't go up to him and embarrass him, but I can pull them aside and go, what the fuck is it with your base? Put your fucking hand. There's different things that you can work with people. And I like getting that feedback.

I'm a huge, I'm a huge constructive criticism person. Like, I don't like somebody to just be like, hey, fuck you. Right, that's the wrong way. Whatever. But if somebody comes up to me, and this is something I work for,

it's a night show and I used to work with audiences. So basically you'd have people who, and this is beautiful, when people would come see the show, there's a little thing that says first come, first serve, right? But everybody thinks they're important, especially if they're on vacation. So we'd have to, you know, we have to capacity fill. So that means that we have to do capacity plus 10% just to fill a main audience. Okay. So if you do the math, studio used to hold about 400 people. So that means usually on a daily basis, if we're doing our job right, we've got to turn away 40 people. So I became really good at just giving people five minutes of my time and going, you have five minutes, go. And I would just stay stone silent and I'd let them make their point.

And sometimes, you know, I could understand. I was like, man, that really sucks. I really appreciate where you're coming from. But when people would just come up to you and be like, let me tell you something, okay, I'm from Rhode Island. And I go, excellent. Rhode Island is a state in the United States. Congratulations. But you'd get all these people who would literally tell you where you're from. Like imagine if you went to Vons and they ran out of your favorite diet soda. They do it at Vons. I worked in

retail. I worked at CVS, Radio Shack, movie theater and a couple restaurants. People will do that. Like, I had a guy pissed off of me because we didn't sell snow caps once. Yeah. Just like the amount of the way people talk to people is just ridiculous. And it's ridiculous. It's rude. It's not necessary. But would you imagine somebody coming over to you and being like,

hey, we're in Glendale. I came all the way from Burbank. Who gives this shit. We're out of it. And you know what? Sometimes people give you vouchers to come back and get something else. If they were nice, you would. Yeah, at the Tonight Show, we'd always be like, if you can't come today, we'd love to have you come back another day. We understand that you gave a lot of the time.

But here's the thing. They'd be yelling at you because they can't read. And so there's like this weird tolerance that I have where if somebody is giving me constructive criticism, I'd just kind of let them talk. I let them say their piece. And then at a certain point I go, thank you. And I usually, that's

usually the one thing I try and do in Jiu-Sitsu is I let people tell me what they need to tell me and I try not to make excuses because you can literally, you can make an excuse for everything and sometimes people just don't know what the fuck you're going through. Like sometimes people will be like, why can't you do that? And I go, because my back fucking sucks. I don't know what else

to tell you, dude. But you take the constructive criticism as best you can and it's tough, but it is an art in itself just learning how to do that. That's very true. Fuck. Um,

Which matter, you're highest. Yeah, yeah. Let's give some shout out. Okay. How about a shout out to my man Giancarlo DiTamo? He sent me some fucking homemade slippers, his grandma made. I look like fairies wear boots. That's what I thought about Ferries wear boots by Black Sabbath.

I'm going to wear those, and people are going to start coming into the windows. But I love you, Giancarlo. I want to thank Freddie Correa and his main man, Sammy. Freddy opened for me in Reno last weekend. Very fucking funny. I had a joke about he installs cable And one of his jokes is about going to a guy's house And the guy tries to hit on him

He pushes the guy down And I tell you he had some brilliant shit And there wasn't what I'm killing it It wasn't what I'm saying it is But his buddy Sammy helped me sell tickets But I'll tell you what This guy, Freddy man It's just a great guy

He was at the show in Vegas Oh cool Freddy he was there And he had a fucking flying juice shirt And every time I see him He's got nothing but love and support he gave me a card so I just want to send them some love to Freddy and I will definitely be seeing you again and working with you again my brother let's give a shout out to my man miles Raul Prado Joe Aaron Joe Calderone Jimmy Pittsinger you know I love you cock sucker

Jimmy Pitts Noah Borley water boxer who I'll see Wednesday night and the rest J.R. fucking the guy up in fucking Buffalo my man Leon in Germany you bad motherfucker and all the rest of the debt squad crew. I love you, cock suckers. I'll see you guys Wednesday at the ice house. Lee, look at the fucking shape of you. I'm going to have to balance you out. You want another Cheebo Chu? You want one of these fucking devil? What do you got

going on today? Why can't you eat a fucking Cheebo Choo? Why can't you eat a fucking Cheapuch? Why can't you eat there over the half with Uncle Joe? We've got to kick it up in the ice room. Because the morning is so high and they're fixing AC in my house right now, so. How was it sleeping without the AC? Fucking hard. Was it? You should have came to a fucking office.

I had two fans. I was able to do it. Well, you're naked. Oh, fuck yeah. You sleep naked. I always sleep naked. Sweat and your asshole, the whole thing. Your asshole sweat. Let me tell you what happened to me, Cucks. What happened? I got to the airport yesterday, and I went to the airport bar,

and I ordered two eggs, because I don't like when they give you scrambled eggs, that means they're powdered eggs. Don't do it. Oh, okay. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Oh, you want to see the egg yolk. You always want to see the egg yolk at all. Airport. When they always have, we have scrambled eggs, that's why they have scrambled eggs. It's like Johnny Rock.

They have scrambled eggs because they got powdered fucking eggs. They ain't fucking two whole yoke fucking communist radiation eggs. So I had two eggs. My new thing is I always order, you know, two eggs, bacon, fruit, wheat toast, you know. And I ordered fruit and the fucking strawberries look weird. And I go, are these strawberries good? She goes, they're fresh. You know how sometimes you have fresh strawberries, but sometimes people put sugar on them.

It's like a glaze. Yeah. Well, I bit two of them. I'm like, this ain't fresh, but I had swallowed it. Oh. You know? And I gave him back, and she took them off the check, and, you know, whatever, you fucking fly home.

Sure enough, I'd take a nap, and I wake up to fart, and I fart, and liquids running down my fucking legs. I was sick all last night. That's why I didn't go to the open map, because if I go, if I blow a fart, with a white fucking costume on, you know, somebody's chokes. Sometimes you're doing jihitsu, and you roll over, and your fart comes out of your ass,

because it's been stuck in your rib, and now somebody jumps on top of it. You can hear it. And you tell people, dog, I just farted. Take your hands off my neck because it's going to be a long afternoon if you were a day. And they're like, no, but I was choking that dog. It's up to you.

What's coming up to you is going to be deep. Let it go. Step aside five feet. I got John Evern once. John Evin will keep rolling with you. Yeah? If you fart. That's because he's a professional.

That motherfucker will keep choking you out. As you're dying, you're like, I fart it, John. He's, I don't give a fuck, suck. I mean, it's a weird fucking sport, but like when you create a tolerance to most of these things, I'll tell you the weirdest thing I had happened recently. So I went to this gym, really good guys, and all of a sudden I'm rolling with somebody. And I'm like, I got this guy in like north-south. And he just like, I hear underneath just muffled. It's all so good.

And I was like, what fuck. I don't know what to do. I had this finished. That was the best offense. could have possibly pulled. He was just like, you smell so good. And I, he was like, and I was trying to like just ignore it, but he clarifies. He's like, your ghee smells really good, man.

I go, mm-hmm, yep, yep. You just got out of the submission just by doing that because I don't want to finish it. Oh, that's a nice compliment. It was a nice compliment. How fucking bad does a geek, you've been choked by somebody and the ghee comes in, you tap because of the stink of the greek? Oh, definitely, yeah. Gu's fucking stink.

And even mine in the back, it's got pounds of sweat. it and you can't put bleach on it because it dissolves the material so you got to wash it with your soap and hang dry it so deep in those threads is your most disgusting sweat like I rode with people with great guys and their geese are brand fucking one I'm brand new but you could see that in the inner core those fucking geese get stinky yeah that's why I don't really I have two geese I'm not getting a new one until I fucking destroy those yeah because it's and I don't even fit in one. You know what I'm just jujitsu gear I have in my house? How much?

I have a whole side closet. Really? That people send me. Wow. Give me when I go to a town, pants. That's awesome. Fucking geetops, geese. People ask me what size are you. Every size is different.

It's like when you buy a T-shirt in Texas, 2X in Texas, and you buy a 2x in L.A., it's two different Xs. Oh, yeah. You buy a 2X in fucking Dallas. It's huge. You buy a 2x in L.A., you can't worry. You're like, what the fuck? What I do?

Gain weight? It's completely different. It is completely different. Have you been to, like, a venue where there's a lot of Jiu-Jitsu people, almost like a UFC or something? Yeah. When I've gone to, I went to a J-Jitsu Expo, and I had more people commentate on me being fat.

Me, like, I'm not really fat, but, like, I'm J-Jitsu fat because these guys are all fucking in shape. So when they're asking me, and they're, like, doing that whole Taylor thing to you. They go, what are you about an age? And I go, guys, I'm a little bit like an A3, a little bigger than that. They just go, nah, you're an A3. Yeah, no, you're an A3. I'm an A7.

They don't even make an A7 in a lot of companies. But the best ghee I have, I bought that surplus on the Laurel Canyon, the boxing place. Yeah. It's an A6. It's fucking amazing. Yeah. I don't want that ghee. And I went back to get another one.

They don't have. The A6s they have don't fit. They got a white guy making them now. They fired the Mexican. The Mexican was like, A6. Give them some Mexican. extra. If he's like my uncle Carlos, he's got some extra pounds.

You know what I'm saying? The white guy's like, fuck, no. Oh, yeah. 32 inches waistline, this is where we go. On the same side, I have this Vulcan ghee. It's a hemp Vulcan ghee. It's great. The guy, the CEO of Vulcan, we were interviewing him. Scott. His name is Matthias, I think.

No, no, but what's on the mat is Scott? Is that the same? Oh, Scottie. He's on the mat. This is a different one. But Scotty is a beast of a human being himself. I love the shit. Scottie. He sends me geista. Yeah. His fucking top don't fit.

The pants are great. And I tried to hit him back and he's like, Joey, you got to lose some fucking weight. But his geese fits. It's the shoulders. Yeah. So his geese fits goes around me. Scotty's the shit, man. It's the shoulders that are too tight.

Yeah. Okay. So. No, man. That's a good dude. Scottie's great. And they said he's got to score in Vegas. So we were in Vegas last week.

Oh, awesome. I got a call Friday night going. Scott said, stopped by the story. He's got a bunch of. bunch of shit for you. You know, me, I'm an asshole. I leave it seven to fucking more. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy.

No, I mean, but, you know, the good news is he's around and he's always, I mean, Scotty is one of the best people in the community because he cares. Like, he actively is sponsoring athletes. He refereed Meta Morris. Like, dude's fucking legit. He was on our podcast and just, you know, this is, I'll credit this. And a lot of people do this for us who are too good for us. But Scottie was on our podcast.

does a great interview with us. And then I just happened to catch something on the Facebook. And I saw that he created an ad just to promote our podcast. And I said, I'm known. I was like, did you just create an ad for us? Like, you don't have to do that. I appreciate it. And he goes, no, I like you guys.

I want to help you out. And I was like, fuck, yeah. Scotty, just good people. That's when you know. You're like, God damn it, this sport has so many good fucking people. But yeah, no, no, no. The Vulcan Gaea have, I didn't even get to try it on. this guy, the CEO of Vulcan,

just handed us this A2. And I'm like, oh, dude, but I'm like an A3. He just goes, put it on. I put that thing on. You would have thought a fucking Italian fucking Taylor had made it just for me. It was the best feeling when you just put on this key that just comes out of the package and was like, this fucking fits me perfect. I've never been happier.

My fiance saw me go into the mirror with my podcast co-hosts and we both got one. And she was like, you guys were the biggest girls I've ever seen because you're just like, this can miss and match. And I can wear this, but you can wear this top and this bottom. No, this is amazing. This is so good. And she literally started getting out of camera and taking photos of us. And I was like, babe, I want to say I'm embarrassed by that. But I'm fucking not.

You post that wherever you want. I'm not ashamed. That is real. That is real fucking shit. It's amazing that a lot of people at Hong Kong joy. What a fuck are you guys doing a podcast about Jiu-Jitsu on a Monday morning? It's not really a podcast about Jiu-Jitsu, man. We're just doing a podcast, and I want to take it a different place today.

And Jiu-Jitsu is the topic. And the whole thing about Jiu-Jitsu that I've really, it is what it is for you. And this is with anything, guys. It could be Mui-Tai, it could be Shaolin Kung Fu, it could be Shodokan Karate. You know, there's a lot of shit that goes on in your life. There's a lot of shit that goes on your life. And I know one thing that's always worked for me, and it's always made me a better person. And the reason why I go over there and roll with guys 20 years younger than me and get beat up

is not because I want to fight in the UFC and not because I want to beat Lee up. It's not because I want to be a tough guy. It's because when I was a kid, when I stopped doing, this is a proven fact. This isn't somebody telling you this shit that he heard when I got out of martial arts when I was 15 years old. Everything changed in my life. Everything changed in my life. I went from being one type of person, a human being, to being the other. And if you listen to the story, I was telling you, those little geeks kept me together.

Those geeky guys with their forms and how they'd get together and their moms would make tuna sandwiches and we'd all practice our farms in unison. Yes, I was one of those guys. You know, there's custom, what they call the swimming when you everybody does synchronize? What's it called? Synchronized swimming. Yeah. You know, when you do a form sometimes in class, you're synchronized.

me and three other half of fags would get together in the sunlight with our geese on and synchronize our forms but guess what guys that built that showed me character that showed me a work ethic that showed me everything i had to do for the rest of my life and everything listen everything you're going to do there's work ethic and there's sacrifice and there's practice and and you know and and you know how many times are you going to throw a kick how many times you're going to throw a kick from the time your five you know it's just how many punches do you throw even Lee just threw two punches let me see I remember let me just throw punch uncle Joe there's a white belt Taekwondo form right right almost remember it's punch yeah turn block punch but

you down the middle the end is the spin I don't remember it's like punch punch right then you can't your leg but then there's a spin I think it's right block left block and then you spin to the new side you have to do four four edges fuck that just brought my back to like when I was seven Holy shit I'm mine It kept me together And what my point is to say that This podcast has a lot of different subjects

You know And the main subjects is addiction You know fear Anxiety You know The shit that we deal with That nobody fucking talks about It's like a very little secret

You have anxiety So what do they give you? They give you Valium And then three years in You're hooked on fucking Valium Do me a favor man You really want things to change for you I'm not going to say you're going to become a millionaire

I'm not saying it's going to save your relationship I'm not saying a lot of things. Sign up for something. Even if you don't want it. Just sign up for two sticks. You're embarrassed. You're too fat. You don't want to put a guy on,

whatever the fuck it is. Get sticks. Get a night. Go somewhere two days a week where you mingle with other people beside those fucking steps you have in your life. Beside the sister-in-law that calls you with a problem. When you go to these martial art places,

you become part of something. And you don't have to, nobody's going to beat you up. Nobody wants you to be karate man. Nobody wants you to go eight days a week. You go when you can, as long as you keep going. These people will call you and say, hey, man, is everything okay? You haven't been in class for three weeks. Oh, I broke my toe.

Oh, that happened to me. Put ice on and get your fucking aspect under class, you fat fuck. You know, that's what they said to me. You know, these are little things. So that's why I'm talking about jiu-jitsu today. For me, it can be anything. I don't give a fuck if you join ballet. As long as you join something and do something two days a week.

You know, somebody contacted me last night on an email on that they're trying to get pregnant and all this and she's having anxiety anxiety again is a brain fart somewhere something isn't connecting so you don't have the time to go to a psychotherapist and you don't have the time to go to an acupuncturist and a nerve specialist and a doctor I'm telling you the immediate band-aid is getting out of the house and doing something out of normal take that phone and leave it at the fucking house leave that phone at the house give yourself one hour with people you don't know whether it's a yoga class have fucking rouse If he choke you or throw you in the air for an hour, when you get in your car, you're going to feel so satisfied.

That's why it makes you a better person. Because when I go up, we walk out of jiu-jitsu, I'm not worried about who I choked out. I can't believe I made it. I wish somebody could see me walk out of this school at 2.30 on a Tuesday. I've been here since 12, 15, rolling around with fucking men with their geese stinking, with dirty feet and shit. And I love it. How crazy can I be? That's my point today, people.

Go out of the box. You're always bitching that life isn't changing for you. You can't do nothing. Get the fuck out of box. Leave your cell phone at home, all those bad habits. Go to a fucking anything. Well, YMCA, and just walk around. Just sitting there and watch what these people doing.

What's that 74-year-old guy on the treadmill doing 15 minutes? Then he gets off in these stretches. That 74-year-old guy is doing something. He's alive because he thought about those 15 minutes all night when he was in bed the night before. He thought about how he's going to go to Hawaii. And today he might do 16 minutes because his back hurts. That's what keeps you alive.

That move that you go home and think about, that, oh, my God, John Evan taught us that move. How does it go? And next thing you know, you're out of your bed with your sleep apnea mask. You don't know how many nights Terry's watching TV and I'll take my sleep at me your mask. Go out and say, go, Terry, give me five minutes.

And she'll get on her hands and knees, and I'll try to get her in the move. And she'll go, Joey, what that? the fuck no i just wanted to see where to put my foot no i love you go back to bed that will keep you alive two days that'll keep you alive so you have to go back to class again and you know what i i want to i want to just add on that you being in entertainment you know that you hear the following more often than not you hear it nah no not you're not you're not good enough you're not uh the right type uh you're not what we're looking for all these things and

And that shit will mess you up, especially in entertainment. Like you have to have a pure, clear head about yourself. You got to be confident. You got to know those things. And for what Jiu-Jitsu is done for me in this time, it is giving me that. Like, people can tell you you're not this, you're not that. But it's like the best block you can get. So you want to talk about therapy.

This isn't just therapy. This is career. This is giving you something to strive and push forward that other places can't. Being around Jitsu people are the most encouraging people. people I've ever been around, like bar none. When, especially you go and you do career stuff for, you know, entertainment, you hear all those negative things, but you go to a jihitsu class, somebody comes over to you, they're telling you, they're like, no, no, you can do that.

You're great. You know you can do this shit. And it's like a support system that isn't even part of the thing. You just think you go there and you show people out. But you get more than that when you go to that. You really don't. What have you gotten from that fucking gym that you've been going? This is your fourth week.

Yeah, it's like four. If you talked to anybody in there, you ever mingle? No, well, a little, I told you when I first went in, it was like, ah, my first week and Paul was there, and I couldn't do, I could barely do half an hour thing on the elliptical, and I was, and she did, I remember, I did, I could barely do half an hour on the elliptical, and she always did 45, so what am I going to do for the little lot in 15 minutes? I used to go to the bike when I couldn't do that, and she left, and I said, let me, I just want to do five more minutes because I had a goal to hit 15 minutes on the bike, too.

and there was this bigger black guy sitting next to me and we had both had our headphones on but as I got up he took his headphones off and he went you hit that you hit that 15 minutes right and he gave me like a high five he's like I've been coming for three months I used to be 318 now I'm 2997 and uh it's I don't really talk to that many people there because I like the people in the uh the cardio floor

but the people down by the weights have been a little bit of jerkish to me but every time I see a bad bigger personality I give them like a thumbs up or and you said that would happen and it's been there's been a couple bigger people who like there's this big guy that always does the elliptical next to me when we when we're in there together so it's been good and how you're feeling how are you feeling when you walk out of that you feel like you could do anything now that you did that you were scared a month ago leave I was five weeks ago Lee well I hadn't been ever I had worked I had done team sports um until my junior year of high school but I wouldn't work out I would go to practice

That's not the same as working out. So I had never worked out. And now I've maybe taken like, I think, five days off this month. So it's not even once a week maybe. And I can't say that I'm addicted to it yet. I can't say that I enjoy it, but I feel better after I go. That's the price. I mean, that's the great.

I mean, dude. Some people say they like it, but I'm not there yet. I mean, for me, I couldn't. I couldn't do the gym. My brain doesn't work that way. Well, I had to bring my iPad with movies because I wish, Joey, you always talk about losing yourself in the music. To me, I'm just staring at the clock with music.

So I had to have something to watch. But I do feel guilty when I missed the gym. When I went to Vegas, I didn't do the gym. That's good. And I feel guilty now that when I miss it or I'll tell you, on the way home from the, from the fluffy movie, Paul and I were like one inch away from going to get cheeseburgers. Like we both said the next morning if either of us had said let's actually do it,

we probably would have done it. But it's when we're talking about it, we looked it up the in-and-out cheeseburgers like 700 calories. We both worked out today. A single. Yeah. We both worked out today. We ate good for the entire day. It's 10 o'clock at night.

Why ruin it now? But with the sauce, it really kills you. The single without the sauce isn't that bad. That's like 10 points. Oh, no, no, no, no. The double-double with 700. Oh, yeah. And what the fuck you're looking like a double-double for?

That's the thing. See, that's the problem. I don't want you to stop eating your cheeseburger. But you know that you could always go over there and get a single cheeseburger with a raw onion and without fries, and you're good to go. You absolutely could, but I can't. You know what I've been doing lately,

eating half of my meal just to try it. You know, I've done it for lunch lately. You know what, half of my meal, and I'm fucking starving. But after 20 minutes, you forget about it. And you go, I could go without this. Right. You know, it was nice. I haven't changed anything, really.

Like, maybe I drank a little bit less, but it was just Jiu-Jitsu. And the reason why I knew I wanted to do Jiu-Jitsu, I was like, I just don't want to be fat, really. Like, I don't need to beat people in competition. I just want to be healthy, get a good mindset, and be not fat if I can. And for me, I didn't really change my diet. I still eat kind of what I like to eat. And I dropped 25 pounds just because. And at the time, I wasn't going as much as I was now.

Like, I've hit a plateau now. Now it's just like, well, you're going up five pounds. You're going down five pounds. But it was just because I found an activity to keep me active, to keep me going. So, I mean, it depends on what goals are. But there's always a way to keep if you want to keep moderation of stuff that you don't want to modify too much. Like, if I see a cheeseburger now, I still have it. But I also now know there's a confidence in.

All right, well, I'm going to the gym. I'm doing this regularly. I'm excited to get to that point because I would love to get to the point where I could just maintain. Like, I figured out the diet to have to maintain. But right now I'm at the point where it sounds bad. But, like, if I went and got a cheeseburger, I'd be getting cheeseburgers every meal. I'd be getting three cheeseburgers. So I can't even get the single.

I just, right now I can't. I just stick to the healthy stuff. But keep it, keep it realistic. You know what I mean? Like, keep the goals there, man. Yeah. The hardest thing to do is keep crazy goals. For me in Jiu-Jitsu, my goals are super simple.

It's like today I want to work on this kind of setup. You know what I mean? It just is moderation. Yeah. Listen, let me hit some sponsors real quick here. We're getting to that fucking time. I've got to talk to you people about something that was I know this Thursday night. First off, on it for all your fucking ultimate level goal needs, whatever the fuck you want to do,

that's chart of fucking thing is Alpha Brain. Alpha brain stimulates you, opens up your mind, makes you think. They got a money back guarantee, 30-day money-back guarantee. We don't even want the fucking product back. Who the fuck does that? You ever go to a drug dealer and that you do the Coke? You taste it? You come back?

You think they're going to say to you, well, no, where's the rest? On it, don't give a fuck. That's how confident they are. I love the hemp force fucking protein, the chocolate, the assay, vanilla. I love the strong bone. I'm back on the strong bone again from my knee. It's been a little better. It's swollen up this week with the two shows.

As far, I've never had a problem with them. I had somebody the other day talking at the J-Jitsu plays about Shroom Tech that they wanted some Shroom Tech for me to get them from Shroom Tech. They wouldn't ask me if they didn't like it. John Evans talking about the Shroom Tech. Shroom Tech sport is tremendous. The other Shroom Tech, what is it, immune? Tremendous.

If you're flying, if you're hanging out with a bunch of fucking people, let's say you hang out with people who have AIDS or they got a fucking flu or something like that, I don't fucking know. I don't know why I said that. I just, I don't fucking know. Whatever. Whatever, it's whatever fucking shrewm-tech, immune, whatever the fuck you need to do. Number two, Hulu Plus.

Let me tell you something about Hulu Plus. I don't think you motherfuckers know that. They just got South Park. What? They just got South Park exclusively. This is what I'm talking about with Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus is so, so much more. You get currencies and episodes every fucking week.

Hulu Plus works on any streaming device that you already own. They have niche programming, criteria collection, animated kids they got original programming and you know what the beauty thing about Hulu Plus? What? You can watch anywhere,

any time, any fucking place. 799 per month. What's that, Joey? 799 per month. You go look at what the fuck you pay for other fucking conditional bullshit. 799 a month

and I'm giving you two weeks off on the fucking cuff. Who does that? When was the last time a hooker suck your nuts and said if you like it for 10 minutes then I'll suck your dick? Nobody does that no more.

I'm giving you two weeks for free I'm the gradis Huluplus.com Why fuck around Original programming Daily show binge whatever the fuck you want to do Sometimes

Listen sometimes you go home And you're going to watch One episode of your favorite show And you're wasting Fuck that shit Go through jumping jacks Go mug somebody Once you get 10, 11 episodes

in there You get a big bag of dope Some Chinese food You get some broad You lock the fucking curtains And it's called binge watching You sit there, you watch 18 fucking episodes, maybe after nine of them, you get your balls licked, and you go right back to doing what you're doing. That's what Hulu Plus offers you.

Go to HuluPlus.com. Go to Joey, go to joey's deans. Dot net. Go to the Hulu Plus box and press in. Joey. J-O-E-Y, Cocksuckers, and get two weeks for free, $7.99 a month. What's that again, Lee? Hey, what?

J-O-E-Y, in the box, Hulu Plus.com. Stop fucking around with your life Fucking around with entertainment Hulu Plus has you covered Cuckuckers Huluplus.com 799 a month Two weeks for free on the cup That's how I roll

All right, that's it I got excited Dollar Shave Club I love you motherfuckers If you're a man, a woman And you're not in Dollars Shave Club Go get a black dick and put it up your asshole It's not working out for you You can't be that fucking stupid

Why fly out of LAX when you can fly Fly out of fucking Burbank? My point $1, $6 a $9 $9 a month. $6 a month. Again, Lee, $6 a fucking month. You get two razors sent to your house every month on the first tremendous. Two razors, double-edged without the aloe strip. That's the $9 program. But it really doesn't matter. They got those fucking hand-me wipes. What are those things that wipe your ass? One-white Charlies. One-white Charlies? It's getting hot right now. You're in your car. You see some chick on the corner. Maybe she's a professional dick sucker. You're in trouble. Your dick smells like pee. You've been sweating all day.

You go in your glove compartment on your backpack. And there you got you got one one. wipe Charlie's you polish off the helmet you clean around the nut sack and your dick is fresh who's got that when she's sucking your helmet she goes Jesus your dick is fresh it's 4 in the afternoon I've never stuck I've never sucked the clean dick at 4 in the afternoon they usually have lint on

it and fucking coins and shit in the house house dollar shape club has that for you dollar shape club go to the dollar shape club box right now and press in church church C-H-U-R-C-H and get your fucking deal from dollar

shave club one dollar a month six dollars a month nine dollars a month get razors sent right to your house to your door you don't have to leave you have to go no fucking pharmacy and stand behind the guy that smells like fucking ass number three escape podd tank escape pod tank dot com for all your deprivation tank needs these guys from what I'm hearing is the best in the fucking business everybody who's done business with them is very fucking happy they deliver they set it up they have different type of tubs they are commercial tubs industrial tubs I got to drink some water

I got to fuck that This fucking boomy Bands. No, no, no, you do it. You do it. You're beast in this shit. I don't fuck around. Escapepot tank.com. Commercial. What's the rest?

Presidential? Presidential? Presidential. Residential. Presidential. That's where Obama floats. I don't fucking know. Do black people even float?

Anyway, my fucking point is this. My point is Escape pod tank.com. Call my man, Jeremy, on the 800 wine. He's got commercial tank. residential tanks no jokes aside you mention us you get 250 off the top plus he's got it just off the off the tank model it's a hundred and fifty dollars off you get like four hundred dollars off you save it he'll let you'll walk you through the steps

I love escape pod tank dot com if you're thinking a bit about a deprivation tank you know talking to these people you might as well stick a hanger in your throat it's not gonna work out for you oh boy oh I don't a lot of fucking energy that was art I don't fuck around not at all man I got to talk to you people about something I don't know. First off, thank you to everybody for your kind, compliments and stuff on the Marin episode. Yeah, I was going to say. I was blown away. I got to watch with my daughter and my wife.

My daughter didn't know what the fuck she was going on. She kept crying. She wanted a Wally Kazama. And I'm like, that's daddy. That dad. She's like, fuck that fat motherfucker. But it was just amazing. I want to thank Mark Marin.

I want to thank him from the bottom of my heart. because a true comic isn't a comedian who's funny. A true comic is a comic that is funny, but he also strives for funniness around him. And he pushes it and he strives it, and he helps support it. And when it came to that episode, he gave somebody a complete green light that nobody else will even talk to.

Nobody talks to me. He gave me freedom to do what I wanted. He wrote a script or his people wrote a script for Duncan. I forget what his last name is. You know, and to see that, I thought about you guys. When I was watching it, on the way to the airport, let me tell you something, I was fucked up that night.

I ate a whole cookie at like 4 o'clock, and by the time I walked in my car, I called Lee. I told me, on the plane, I just sat in the back of that tube and sweat. I was in 12B because they didn't have an upgrade. It was one of those Puerto Rican planes. They got to take a bus to the American Airlines, Gate 44. Yeah. It's like Reno, San Jose, San Jose.

Santa Fe. Any of those places you go to, you've got to go on that bus. So even after you land and the fucking plane goes 35 minutes, you're on a bus for 15 fucking minutes. Didn't you tell me, you thought the car was taking you to the moon or something? Oh my God. I didn't know where I was. It was dark out. The moon was out. I was in the back of this fucking car and I was blasted. But I cried. I cried in the shower. After the episode got off, I ran the shower to the tour of the tears because I thought about I never had that expectation. When I came to LA, I always thought I'd be out here for six or seven years

until I got in trouble. But the most I ever get was to be an extra. I never strive for that. And I saw myself on that thing and I hate watching myself. I look fucking huge in fat. But that's not what I was looking at. I was looking at somebody who didn't expect that. But I believed a little bit that somewhere, somehow, maybe, maybe if I lucked out, well, I did luck out. You know, and I just stuck around and that's it. And I'm very thankful that this happened. But I'm thinking about for you people, that if I could do this, you motherfuckers could do this. You know, we all put our pants on one leg at a fucking time, man.

And when you look at things like that, when I saw that that night, I thought about all the people that actually go to acting classes and really pay attention and really strive for that. I came out here thinking that people were better than me. Like everybody was better than me. They came from a Juilliard or whatever. And I'll tell you what, man, this goes right back to Jiu-Jitsu and stand-up. I got all, I got my balls on that fucking stage.

You know, stage time, mat-time is the name of the fucking game of this. But the most important thing was, it's not that I stopped believing in a way that I would ever get on somebody's show like that, like a guest star like that. The most important thing is that, yes, anybody can fucking do this. I did it for you guys. This is to show you that fuck these motherfuckers. You can't stop, Lee. Lee, you can't fucking stop. You can't quit, you can't fucking go home.

Everybody was in Montreal Comedy Festival. Everybody was up in Montreal. You get invited to Montreal? No. Fuck, no. I've never been to Montreal. They have all these things. For me, my Montreal was Thursday night.

That was my Montreal Comedy Festival. A half hour of me being with Mark Maron. I've seen a comic, help another comic. I've never had a role like that where he just let me go and let me do whatever the fuck I wanted to. I just want to tell people, thank you for all the comments. Thank you for the support of the podcast. Thank you for always loving me and Lee and my guest, but also for it, I want you to take that for what it was,

that you could do this shit. You could do whatever the fuck you want. Don't let them stop you. They could all suck your dick at the end of the week, all right? Fuck them all. You have something that you want to do. Do it. Go for it.

Who gives a fuck? If you fail, who gives a fuck? You know how you really fail? If you don't fucking go for it. So end the story. Rafi, who loves you, cocksucker? Oh, man. What do you got going on?

What is your next show? Next show at Flappers. Next show at Flappers, August 12th. We just celebrated two years of early late night over at Flappers Comedy Club. We're a monthly late night talk show, early late night. It is one of the funnest things I've ever put together. I did it. I did.

He did. You blew the fucking roof all the money. Well, I learned a lot. I learned about something different outside of stand-up that people were doing. So it was very interesting to watch from somebody who's always looking for something fresh, you know. Yeah. And the hardest thing for me is, this has been my whole secret to my career. is if I don't see it, I invent it.

I do it. I put it out there. And I remember going to comedy clubs and you see like comics if it can get depressing. Like a lot of comics don't have a joy in performing. And for me, it's so important to make people have fun to get something different for them to see. And the best compliment we always get is when a comic does our show and we produce it and we work with them as they say, you know what, I had fun. And I see you guys have fun every time. And I take that with a great responsibility of always creating, doing something new.

If it means doing a fucking song and dance number and standing on my fucking head, it's what we're doing. Like, I'm just not afraid there. And I've got a great staff of writers and performers who do it. So, yeah, Flappers, 930, August 12th. If you don't mind, I just got to want to say a couple quick shoutouts. I'd love to do that. Yeah, yeah. I want to shout out my co-host on Verbal Tapcast.

That's Kevin Phillips who wanted me to echo this to you, and I'm glad I get to do this here. You gave him some advice last week for stand-up. That fucker text me that, like, Thursday after we do the podcast. And he goes, Raffa, I want you to tell Joey Diaz, I fucking destroyed this room. I did it from the advice he gave me. I just, I demolished this room. I went in there. We were like 80 deep in this place in D.C.

Great fucking audience hype. was given love to only a few people. He goes, I got up there, I destroyed. They want to give me residency and have to do all this. So thank you for that. And he wanted me to echo that. So that was awesome. Check us out, verbal tapcast.com.

Guys, we just interviewed Hicks and Gracie. And, I mean, that's kind of the pinnacle of people you can interview. And you know what's funny? This is what I like. This guy's a black belt. Legend in the sport. even like coral red and blackbell if you would. But when we interview,

it's like nothing is different because he's in my world. And you know how when you feel behind when people are six or seven moves behind you or you're ahead of you when you're in jiu jitsu? For me, I'm like, I think we're on equal playing ground. And you know what? I can get him to have fun. And when I start seeing him bust up, I was like, you know what? This is what I'm doing.

It's the right thing to do. So I want to thank him. and all the good people. I want to thank Jits Magazine for making that happen. Great, great stuff from then. We're going to have a feature article coming out pretty soon. And I'm going to tease this right here. Hicks and Gracie is one of the people who's associated with breathing.

Dude gave me like a 25-minute instructional on how to breathe just because he liked the interview. And I think he just had a natural interest in wanting to help me based off of one of the questions I said. It was just like, what does it feel like to be synonymous with breathing? And he just goes, do you have five minutes afterwards? And I was like, for you, fuck yeah, yeah, teach me all the shit that you know. So he was really cool and doing that. I want to also shout out Marshall Carper. We're doing a really cool book project about Jiu-Jitsu and businesses.

And Joey was the first person that I got to interview. So we're going to be putting that article up and you guys can check out what the books like. And if you like it, hopefully check back in and we'll be promoting that for days on for that. And to my buddies, Brandon McChatherine, who sent me a text yesterday that I showed Joey, which was, hey, Raff, you train with Joey Diaz. I hate you. So what I'm going to do right now is I'm going to get a picture of Joey. And I'm just going to say,

fuck you, motherfucker from Joey Diaz. And that's it. To my pal Scott Kupka, who's fucking in love with you. He wants me to introduce you so you can smoke out when he gets to L.A. Let's do it. All right, easy enough. And to you guys here, this has been amazing. I'm really honored that you guys would even remotely have me on.

but especially when you guys are about to celebrate your 200th episode. So I feel good to be able to tell us, and I hope you guys know what an accomplishment that is. You guys have so much great love on this. People at home think that I look for a celebrity or somebody who thinks he's better than us to be on the podcast. I look for people just like us because I want you people at home to realize you can start a podcast.

You know what? I don't have... I walked in yesterday, seen Raffing going, what are you doing tomorrow at 6 a.m.? That's how, faster was. You know why? Because every time I see this kid, he's working. He's working. I know who's out there trying to get a podcast. Joey, get on

the podcast so your numbers go up or whatever. I know who's out there working it. I know who's out there doing what we're doing, breathing it. And I know how to fake the funk because I fake the funk. See, I know you can't fuck with me because I fake the funk. So I know when you're faking the funk

and I know when you're working hard. So I want to thank you for coming on on the day's notice. Be fucking great and I want any time you want to be a guest on here to promote you got an open door. I appreciate that. I'm coming on at 6 o'clock. A lot of people like fuck you. You know, a lot of comics, I don't have a career.

Help me. We'll call the podcast at 645. Dog, I don't get up that early. Okay, so obviously you don't give a fuck. I go Rafi, you want to call in? No, I'll come in. It's 10 to 6. Okay, no worries. I'll be there. When I drove by this, I go, fucking, Ralph, he's not coming in. I go to the back. He's back there waiting like a fucking student

with an apple and a bag. brother thank you very much dude you know what i mean uh when joey dyes is good enough you've got that idea where you've done the same for me where you came to do my show and uh i got to tell you this a week ago uh joey comes to do my show just offers to do it i didn't give a shit about promoting this one i had a big portfolio that was putting together for mbc he comes i get a bigger audience because he's doing my show we test out the material i get into a program based off of that response that I got from that audience. And you know what I mean?

It's all love, man. You did the same for me on a day and a half's notice when you were at an open mat. So I mean, of course, when you asked me, like, can you do the podcast? And in the only way that Joey Diaz can, which is, you can you do the motherfucking podcast? And I'm like, yeah, you bet your ass.

I'm going to do the fucking podcast. And it's just it's all love, man. So thank you. Thank you. We sat here three weeks ago, Gabriel Lacey's and we told the bloggy story. And do you see how this energy runs, guys.

I get it from somebody, and I pass the ball on. So that's what it's talking about by making a day. Thank you very much for tuning into the church. I want to thank our sponsors on it. Huluplus.com, Dollar Shave Club and Escape Pod Tank. Wednesday night, live at the Ice House. Mrs. Pat, 830, live cocksuckers, the Ice House. 626-577-1894.

Don't fuck around. And we're doing a 200 episode. Thursday night with a special guest 8 o'clock late night Thursday night get the reefer ready the pizza we're getting down I love you cocksucker stay black now the show's over don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of it shows anytime anywhere on your TV PC smartphone or tablet support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey or go to joey dyes.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner

and don't forget to sign up for Dollarshaveclub.com. come get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail now go to dollar shave club.com forward slash church or just go to joeydiaz.net and click on the dollar shave club banner uh thank you to honor dot com go there to get alvraining anything like that get 10% off using code word church and escape pot tank dot com they've all over your sensory deprivation tank needs mentioned joe d isn't an additional 250 dollars off already low prices Oh shit Go out there

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Lee Lee To go.