The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #200 | VIC DIBITETTO | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Starting point is 00:00:00 This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Wednesday the 28th of September. The joint is brought to you by. This plate. Looking for something to cover up that hole in your wall?

Starting point is 00:00:24 This plate is a cool new metal poster you'll want in every room. They got millions of design. available featuring gaming, movies, and comics, featuring officially licensed designs from Star Wars, Netflix, and many more. They sent me a Bruce Lee one that is fucking smoking, and it only takes 20 seconds to hang a display. No power tools, no damages, no frustrations. Once you mount one, you can switch it out in a new plate and a flash.

Starting point is 00:00:53 With everyone you buy, display plants a tree. Click the link in description to see some. my favorite Displates and save up to 29%. Get 25% off when you buy one or two. Get 29% off when you buy three or more. Discounts will automatically be applied to your cart when you click the link or use code Joey, J-O-E-Y. Joey when you visit Displate.com. That's Displate.com.

Starting point is 00:01:22 Code Joey or check the link for show notes. The joint is also brought to you by Liquid Ivy. Listen, liquid IV is tremendous. You got no time to play, no stakes, no pressure, just fun. Fuel you play with liquid IV. For hydrations, that's two times faster than water alone, because life's better when you're hydrated. Liquid IV comes in 10 refreshing flavors.

Starting point is 00:01:49 My favorites, Concord grape, the tropical punch, the cherry is off the fucking chain, and the assaye is tremendous also. What makes liquid IV so effective? Cellular transport technology designed to enhance absorption of water into the bloodstream. Liquid IV contains five essential vitamins.

Starting point is 00:02:10 B3, B5, B6, B12. They got all the Bs, you know what I'm saying? Electrolites, more three times the electrolytes and sport drinks. So do me a favor. Grab your liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or I'm going to get your 15% off When you go to Liquidiv.com, use code Joey.

Starting point is 00:02:30 Again, liquidiv.com, use code Joey at checkout. That's 15% off anything you order from Liquid Ivy. Just put Joey at checkout. And the join is also brought to you by Jesus fucking Christ. Draft King Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. We're talking touchdowns, biting in the necks. We're talking everything. New customers, you bet $5 on any NFL team to win.

Starting point is 00:02:57 You got 200 and free bets, and this is the week to do it. Tomorrow night, you got the Buffalo Bills against the motherfucking Cincinnati Bengals. Cincinnati Bengals are giving an undefeated team three and a half. What the fuck do you think is going on there? I just gave you a winner, cock suckers. It's not enough. Everyone can boost their winnings with Draft King stepped up same game parlays. The more legs you add, the more money you get.

Starting point is 00:03:21 They got profit boost. You got the UFC and you got baseball playoffs. Who's better than Draft Kings? Nobody, cocksucker. Use promo code Joey and download the Draft King Sportsbook app right now or the fantasy app that's giving away a million dollars

Starting point is 00:03:38 every fucking week in cash prizes and you're sitting there scratching your head thinking about where you're going to go eat lunch, you cock sucker. Download the Draft King Sportsbook app. Use Code Joey. Only a Draft King Sportsbook. An official sports betting partner of the NFL. Minimmonage and eligibility restrictions

Starting point is 00:03:56 apply. See show notes for details. Now go download draft Kings and let's get this fucking party started. Welcome to the fucking joint, you bad motherfuckers. It's Wednesday to 28th. The guest today is the fucking man of steel. This guy is a fucking human success story. Mr. Vic de Betoetto. Right? That's it. That's close enough. Big D. Big D. Big D is what I call. My fuck around.

Starting point is 00:05:21 That's okay. I'm used to it. I'm honored to be. You look fucking great and I wanted to have you. Thank you. What happened to your chin? I can't. It's like... It was a fucking ingrown hair.

Starting point is 00:05:32 It went from being ingrow hair that I cut with a razor that became a boil and then became a staff infection. Wow. When they threw the antibiotics on it, it didn't do dick to it. So I did a biopsy

Starting point is 00:05:44 and I'm waiting for the results. I'm sitting here today and my doctor lives around the corner. So she's walking her fucking dog and I see it. So I ask her, what's the story? 10 minutes before you came. I was outside getting some sun,

Starting point is 00:05:57 and she goes, the biopsy didn't come back yet, but I think it's fungal. I think that you have like a fungal that's in my body because I have the fungi toenail. It's better than cancel. But we can't take the fucking pills for it because it destroys your liver.

Starting point is 00:06:12 Oh, boy. So if you have the toenail too? It's between my pinky and my next toe. And it's the same cream you're using. Yeah, you put it on your feet, your toes. I put fucking... Yeah, at night it's got to be expensive. I got to wear slippers.

Starting point is 00:06:25 Right. And my wife hates my feet. She did it grosses. Oh, my wife don't like him either. It's disgusting. I got a bunion that hasn't hurt in 30 years. So. And my one toe, I took the nail out.

Starting point is 00:06:38 This is years ago. The big toe. And my mother-in-law says it looks like the head of a poop, which is octopus. Boop is how you say? Opoopoop. Well, we're bares. That's a whole different dialect. Okay.

Starting point is 00:06:52 There's Nobly Don, Sicilian, Galabreys. Alibre's, Barri is on the other side of the boot, it's above the heel. Okay. And you got to say, up-up. We say pulpo. Yeah. It's a, it's a, yeah. Bres is like Chinese to Sicilians.

Starting point is 00:07:05 Okay. Good to know. Good to fucking know. But yeah. It's been a long time, man. When I got here, we met at the Manala Pandina. Yes. There was eight people in there.

Starting point is 00:07:15 Yeah. I was petrified that day. That was the, during COVID. Oh, my God. I would just, I remember getting, everything. time I was in the nine, I thought I was going to get COVID with the window open. That's how bad it got into my fucking mind. Like, it just fucked me up. So, well, that shit is slowly behind us. Oh my God. Once you get COVID, you're like, okay. Do you get the booster? Yeah. Me too. I got

Starting point is 00:07:40 the booster, the second booster, the booster that took me to outer space. I didn't get the second booster and I'm not getting this booster. No, I'm done with boosters. That's it. You're all boosted out. Right. Right. Well, I'm all boosted up. You know, you go to fucking CV. They got 19 boosters. They want you to come in, do the flu one while you're here. Oh, that minute clinic clinic. Yeah, and while you're here, do the COVID, and you should do the fucking shingles.

Starting point is 00:08:04 And then while you're here, do the eyelash, COVID, do the fucking, you know what? You might as well give me your ass, and I'll shoot the monkey pox in there in case you want to go to a gay bar for a cocktail. Did you ever get tested for COVID? Yes. They give it his footlong cutip.

Starting point is 00:08:16 I ask to, like, where's that going? So I'm going to swab your nose. I'm like, you're going to give me a fucking lobotomy with that thing. But the beginning of it. my ass. The beginnings of COVID were a fucking nightmare. Yes. There were lines for Wegmans.

Starting point is 00:08:29 You had to wash your hands before you went in. That was sick. Oh, we didn't know. I hate when people get mad at us for how we acted the beginning of the fucking pandemic. People were dying. We panicked. Right. Which is normal guys.

Starting point is 00:08:45 We panicked. And we didn't know. If I told you that Russia just released a gas that you're going to die between now and a week from now. until the gas gets here. You're going to fucking panic, guys. Once it's New York, you're going to see what happens in New York. That's it.

Starting point is 00:09:01 You're going to go, what happened in New York? 300 people are dead. You're going to fucking panic. It was crazy. Realize what the fuck's going on. Oh, put iodine in your nose. Whatever they tell you in the nuclear war. Yeah, iodine, right.

Starting point is 00:09:11 They tell you something, because there's Russian people here. Yeah. And they told me, the Russian mom told me, buy iodine, and putting your eyeballs or whatever. All my shows were canceled. I was going to bed after the jeopardy. It was horrible. The quarantine.

Starting point is 00:09:22 I'm still surprised I'm still married You know I'm gonna tell you something 40 years with someone And you got to quarantine You know what you told me one morning Stop doing that Like doing what?

Starting point is 00:09:32 Breathing One morning my blinking Was bothering her Yeah It was It was a rough period For a lot of people People didn't know

Starting point is 00:09:46 That's one of the first things I read Like three weeks into it Like maybe two or three weeks into it I read that by people being stuck in the house, there's going to be a lot of domestic violence. Yes, yes. So the first thing I did. And depression and anxiety and suicide.

Starting point is 00:10:01 Was I went out to the couch and I decided I'm going to make her an ally doing all this. I can't go to war with her every day. Can't go to war about stupid things. Make her an ally. Help her out. Right. I was working out. I remember working out outside by myself.

Starting point is 00:10:17 And my bodies would have tingles from the fear. Like as I was working out, my body would get red. And I go, I got to stop doing something's not right. You know, so you look at the beginnings of what happened to us as a country and as comedians and as artists and as human beings. Look what they're saying now. Kids are fucked up.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Oh, yeah. Those kids, those two years in the house, some kids are fucked up. Joey, the world we grew up with is no more. We come from a different time. You know, this is how they live today with these cell phones. That's it. You know, if it's not an app, they don't know how to deal with it. We come from the streets.

Starting point is 00:10:52 They will never... Where are the last link to the greatest generations in our family? My mother-in-law passed away in December. It's now just me and my wife. My kids, they don't... You know, it's... It's...

Starting point is 00:11:03 The world has changed. It's fucking upside down. There's no more morals, values, and people are fucking crazy out there. That's why I love what I do, you know? Make people laugh. I saw the other days, somebody put something up on Instagram,

Starting point is 00:11:19 that they worked hard. on. You know, somebody just put it up, you know. Just put a fucking star. Whatever, your heart,

Starting point is 00:11:27 you know. You do 10 hearts a day, it's good for your psyche. You're being a nice fucking person. But I looked at the comment to see what it was that she had drawn or whatever. I don't even know this person.

Starting point is 00:11:38 I don't even know. I don't even know how it came into my field. It would feed. It was such an interesting thing picture. I read the comments and like four comments were people like me that were like, that's beautiful work,

Starting point is 00:11:48 you know. eight of them were like it sucks I don't even know you I don't even know you I don't even Why would you say that to people The social media

Starting point is 00:11:58 Has been a double-edged sword for me Look without the social media I wouldn't have the following I have Me neither Now it's turning to a fucking shit show Like you just said You could put I'm gonna adopt a kitten What's matter with dogs

Starting point is 00:12:09 You don't like dogs I was molested by a kitten I'm gonna block you Holy fucking shit You can't say nothing You can't say nothing You know what it is These mutants

Starting point is 00:12:18 have always been out there, but the social media just exposed it because now every loser who lives under a fucking rock, now they have a voice. They're delusional, miserable, jealous, narcissistic fucking scumbags. They couldn't do

Starting point is 00:12:34 what we did in a fucking week what we did in a day. You know, it baffles me that I started paying attention to this about 10 years ago, and you were watching these sports. When I go to the gym down the corner, Right.

Starting point is 00:12:48 They have a TV in there. So when I'm on the bike, I naturally, it's right there. It's right fucking there. So I'm watching it, and I watch the sports things, you know. I don't care about what the skip and Shannon or whatever the fuck. But they sit there and like the white dude. I don't know who that is. Skip, whatever.

Starting point is 00:13:05 What channel? I don't fucking know. Fox Sports. Oh, okay. I don't have no, half of these people. I understand the other guy criticizing football players, but I don't understand a guy that's never. played football

Starting point is 00:13:18 criticizing this shit it bothers now I understand sports riders and all that stuff and this is why like before I don't talk about a lot of shit

Starting point is 00:13:28 like people hey Joe you talk about this current event I don't know about it and I don't want to talk about it unless I fucking know ins and outs about it you know

Starting point is 00:13:35 and it's like what happened with the COVID thing like since we're talking about this is really interesting that I thought about this shit the other day I forgot what I was gonna fucking tell you

Starting point is 00:13:45 the COVID the COVID thing I forgot. Fuck, it slipped my mind. That's why you don't smoke dope in the morning, you know what I'm saying? Dope in the morning. Yeah. Speaking of dope, I did a gummy before I came here. I feel very relaxed.

Starting point is 00:13:57 Nice. How many milligrams? Just, I think, 250. So you do, you do just the gummies? I used to smoke pot. I gag now. Gammies are so convenient, you know? They're convenient.

Starting point is 00:14:08 They just sneak up on you. It doesn't smell. It's nice. I bought them from Livodies. I put fucking mozzarella and fucking roast bread. beef and gummies at Levote's. They had gummies? Yes.

Starting point is 00:14:19 The one in Freehold. Okay, the one in Freehold. But TFC gummies? Yeah. Oh, shit. They're in a glass case. Oh, shit. I have some more in the car if you want.

Starting point is 00:14:29 No, I got fucking gummies of all dimensions here. We got all dimensions of fucking gummies. But you got to do it like you can't do it when you shower. I stared at the shower head one night for 45 minutes. I didn't even turn the water on. Just staring at the fucking thing. But my daughter, she made a bong and have an apple. Well, no, your daughter's too young.

Starting point is 00:14:49 One day you're going to get high with her. That's a beautiful bonding moment. I don't want to do that. No, you'll see. I don't want to do that. My daughter was a pastry. Listen to the pastry chef. A pastry chef for three fucking days.

Starting point is 00:15:00 She got the attention span of a flash cube, my daughter. So she made a bong out of an apple. I come home, I smoked the weed from the front of the house. She got this apple in front of her face. Big plumber smoke. Mike, Victoria, what the fuck are you doing? But the neighbors. All right, dad, you caught me.

Starting point is 00:15:13 I'm smoking weed. Didn't you smoke weed? Mike, is mommy still sleeping? How do you do this? Show me how it works. You cover this home. Fuck, when you inhale, you taste the apple. There's no burning.

Starting point is 00:15:26 But I got the munchy. I ate the fucking apple. And now you got double stones. She's still pissed off at me. Then I ain't her fucking bong. Let me ask you this. When was the last time you smoked? Oh, a year ago?

Starting point is 00:15:39 Really? I gag. I choke. It happened. Listen, I can't smoke a lot anymore. I could smoke refrave. four bongs. And then I eat,

Starting point is 00:15:48 then I eat, like I got three fucking assholes, you know? They eat, see, I don't eat on Riefer. I'm past that point. Really?

Starting point is 00:15:56 Does it make you hungry? No. But, edible. Do you go to sleep? Weed keeps me up. Coffee, I could drink and go right to sleep.

Starting point is 00:16:03 Me too. Yeah. Me too. But weed or indica, Indica will keep you up. What is that? Not an indica. Cetiva.

Starting point is 00:16:13 We'll keep, the three different types of weeds. Citva, I like a hybrid. Okay. And it's the one gives you more energy. Nice. But I'm an Indica guy.

Starting point is 00:16:24 I want to see the devil. I want to drool. I don't want to see the devil. I want to drool. I like to fall asleep. I like the, I like all that shit. I like to float in my pool, relax.

Starting point is 00:16:36 Me too. My hot tub, barbecue. I love smoking pot and lifting weights. Oh, I never did that. I love all that shit. I'm going to try it. Does it make you stronger? Nah, but it makes you forget about what you're doing.

Starting point is 00:16:47 And so you'd like, I did 2,000 pushups today. Wow. Did you lift weights? Yeah, I did 2,000. Did you keep forgetting? Did I do 20 push and? Did I do 20 push and did I do 10 push and to keep up and forget? Beautiful.

Starting point is 00:16:59 I got a trainer. That'll blow her mind. You had an interesting career like myself. We both got a little recognition as we got older. Yes. Do you think that was better? Absolutely. If I would have got it sooner, I think I would have been in a fucking gutter somewhere.

Starting point is 00:17:15 Me too. You know, in the 70s, late 60s. When I grew up in Brooklyn, I was doing crazy shit. You know, I fucking, I just, I did Coke once. It gave me diarrhea. I was had fucking, I was spitting up. I'm just a beer and pot guy, you know? You know, I did some knocking around and shit.

Starting point is 00:17:32 And, you know, when you grow up in Brooklyn in late 70s, you know, you've been around, you've been around the wise guys, you know. Remember angels with 30 faces, Pat O'Brien and James Cagney? Yes. He was, he ran fast. That's why he didn't get caught like Rocky. like Rocky Sullivan did you know I got friends that are either

Starting point is 00:17:49 dead or in jail so I took you know I was the class clown I started at Pips Comedy Club with the mobsters met the lobsters Pips fucking that was the fucking Lennie Bruce performed there I went on stage I used to

Starting point is 00:18:05 the lineup was me Richard Jenny John Moruni Otto and George I mean that was the comedy boot camp that was the only club in a country where the fucking owner would heckle you. Ray Garvey. God rest is so.

Starting point is 00:18:20 Now, Ray Garvey owned it all those years? No, it was three owners. He was the third owner. It used to be Seth and Marty Schultz. I never met them. George Schultz was, they say, where Rodney got, I get no respect from.

Starting point is 00:18:32 They say he got that line from George Schultz. Oh, Pips was the fucking nucleus of comedy back in the Oh, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers. And now it's a fucking Russian restaurant. You know, it's...

Starting point is 00:18:46 Andrew. I'm glad I started there. Andrew. The first night I went on stage, Andrew Dice Clay was the MC. That's how fucking long I'm doing this. Dice didn't have that character right away. No.

Starting point is 00:18:58 He used to be an impressionist. He did Robert De Niro, Stallone. And Travolta. Chavalta and American... fucking... Eric Roberts. Eric. At a campfire.

Starting point is 00:19:11 Fucking hilarious. Later on, He got the whole dice persona. It's crazy how many people came out of Pips. I met Ray at the end. Where'd you start? Where did you start? Denver.

Starting point is 00:19:24 Really? Wow. Interesting. Grew up here. Grew up here and never went to a comedy club. My friends went a couple times that went to see Eddie Murphy. I never, you know, I was a Coke head. I can't sit there and giggle for fucking two hours.

Starting point is 00:19:40 Oh, not on Coke. No. Maybe Meskolin, yeah. Yeah, but I just didn't. I wasn't into it. I didn't know. And I kicked myself in the ass for it because you have all this training here in New York

Starting point is 00:19:52 that's available to you. And I was like, I didn't even know it existed. I thought that to be, I thought to get in a movie, you had a bartend and somebody came in and noticed you. Right. And you got the job like Bruce Willis. Right. That was the story.

Starting point is 00:20:05 And Paul Reiser. And Paul Reiser. You heard all those stories. So we didn't know where to start. I didn't know that you could go to an acting class and rehearse and do all that shit. I went out to Denver, did everything in the world that I could, tried everything. I was a brick mason, I was an electrician, I built walls, I fucking roofed, I did everything,

Starting point is 00:20:23 and I knew I just kept comedy, was in the back burner. It was always in the back burner. I'm like, I'm never going to, I'm a felon. These people are nice white people. You know, they do comedy, they go home, they giggle. Right. You know, I didn't know the underworld of comedy at the time that there was so many drugs involved. And I knew the Belushi stories.

Starting point is 00:20:43 and I love Richard Pryor. And then I just took a stand-up comedy class when I got out of prison. Did you ever meet Colin? No. No, yes, I did. I met him in Spokane Washington. That was my idol.

Starting point is 00:20:54 I had all his albums. I met him in Washington. Genius. He was more than a comic. He was like a, God, a professor, you know? A tremendous, tremendous fucking writer, man. And he really just, I respected him, but I liked Pryor a little more

Starting point is 00:21:12 because he was on the wild side. Absolutely. More with the Coke and the hookers. The one with the red outfit when he talks about the mafia? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Come here.

Starting point is 00:21:22 Come here. You got her see it. It's fucking great. I started with Pryor like in 73. I went to my friend's house and his brother was a junkie. And we went over to listen to the Beatles White Album. And his brother came out and said, what the fuck you motherfucker is listening to? And he put on Richard Pryor is something I said.

Starting point is 00:21:42 And when I heard Dracula versus De Wino, I was done. I was fucking done. And then when I got out of the prison, I read that book by Lenny Bruce about when he lived into Chelsea and all that shit. And I'm like, what else do, what else do this guy like me want to do? This is the perfect life. He works on the strip club and a burlesque show. He goes back to the Chelsea and he shoots heroin.

Starting point is 00:22:06 At least he knows who he is. And I was content with being that person, as sad as it sounds. I was content. That's the life of a stand-up comic. We were talking about this earlier. This is why it conflicts with guys like you and I. I had a friend of mine talked to me last week about his girlfriend, and she's getting some eating comedy,

Starting point is 00:22:26 and she wants the headline at four years. And I'm like, it's a fucking mistake. Four years. I go, it's a mistake. I go, you could headline like a D-room to get time, but you're not going to put yourself in a good position. He goes, why not? And I go, because you have to develop a fucking muscle.

Starting point is 00:22:41 There's a certain muscle. And at four years, you don't have, I don't give a fuck what you tell me. Stage time. I don't give a fuck what you tell me at four years. You don't have that muscle. You got the time. Everybody's got the time.

Starting point is 00:22:54 I can go up there and do three hours. Is it going to be funny? Not really. Is it going to be entertaining? I don't know. But, you know, these people don't care. They want it all too quickly. She's younger.

Starting point is 00:23:04 And I'm like, that's insulting. Some of their egos are bigger than their racks. Well, because they get a little bit of heat. And this is where I have. I had the heart, like, I would have never had a career if it wasn't for social media. I did not like it. When Rogan would say shit to me about Twitter, I'd go, let me ask you a question. Do you think that Richard Pryor leaves the comedy store at 2 o'clock and goes home to tweet people?

Starting point is 00:23:29 Right. Are you fucking retarded? That is not the path that we followed. Could you imagine George Collin on Facebook? People would have seizures. Seizures? They'd be jumping off the ledge. But it's very

Starting point is 00:23:43 It's very like it wasn't who we were Right And I was telling Jimmy Florentine two days ago I go, I tell you when I fucking knew Social media I had to do something When I saw Rogan sell out This is like 2000 He sold out Irvine without radio

Starting point is 00:24:00 Was this after Fear Factor? This is right on the cusp of Fear Factor Okay But there was no advertising Is what my point was And he added two shows fourth to July weekend. Wow.

Starting point is 00:24:12 So, yeah. So, he fucking, I walked in there, and the show was completely sold out. And then I go, how did you do this without radio? And he goes, I just pressed a button.

Starting point is 00:24:27 And before that stuff went down with Mincea and stuff, he was packing the comedy store on Friday nights, packing it with social media. So I figured you had to get on, you know, Once, what's his name, fucking blew up, then everybody went to social media. The guy that jumped up and down, he's got a new special out, Dane Cook.

Starting point is 00:24:48 Oh, okay. Because Dane, Dane was the professional on MySpace, and he, uh... It's funny, you mentioned Joe Rogan. The last time I saw him, he, this is like, you ever have one of those obscure, random memories? Yeah. Meanwhile, you don't know what the fuck at for breakfast. It was the Boston Comedy Club in West Forest Street, Manhattan. Street, yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:10 Me and Rogan, he's, Rob Schneider's on stage, and he used to have this bit about different ways to use the word, um, dude, dude, dude, dude, you know, different situations. He's killing, he's crushing. Me and Rogan are off in the hallway. He's, he's about to go on. Rod got the light. He's eating fucking Chinese spare rib.

Starting point is 00:25:31 Like, Joe, you're going on soon. Yeah, I know. He finished it and then he got introduced. That's it. That's my Joe Rogan's story. I'll never forget the first time I worked at your rascals. West Orange. West Orange.

Starting point is 00:25:45 That was one of the greatest comedy club. Danny McKenna. The only manager who could fought at will. If you say Danny, do me if I ever fought, he could fought. I can't do that. I still talk to him. I'm to do that. I love him to death.

Starting point is 00:25:59 The hairdo, yeah. The hairdo, yeah. The hairdo didn't move. But I think I worked with you because I had a bad experience of Rocky Laporte. Oh, from Chicago. Because he was mad because I was improvising. And then he's too dirty. He's improvising.

Starting point is 00:26:12 He's this. He's that. Don't you love comics? So I go, Hey, dude. You got to put me with a fucking savage. It's not going to complain about me. Because I got the guy.

Starting point is 00:26:20 And the next time you come, it was you. And that night you did a bit about going on vacation with your kids in a station wagon from Staten Island. You did 20 minutes. And you're like, and the best part of it, all that happened. We didn't even leave the fucking parking spot yet. And I fucking died. And I called Rogan. And I go, dog, I'm working rascals.

Starting point is 00:26:38 with this fucking dude, Vinny, Vicney, he's like, oh, my God, that dude's a fucking dangerous dude. Be careful. And you were fucking destroying. I mean, I was in awe, like talking about the kids and getting in the station wagon and your wife was yelling. And then at one point you're going, all this. And we didn't even get out of a fucking parkway yet.

Starting point is 00:27:01 We didn't even get out of parking a lot. Wow. I was fucking dying. What year was that? 90. No. I started in 91. I didn't work rascals till late 90s.

Starting point is 00:27:14 Camacho. That had to be, Tony Camacho. Tony Camacho. You ever see his tongue? It's like, it's tremendous. I know you'd probably think of how to fuck did I see his tongue? I know, that's not good. That's not good.

Starting point is 00:27:27 He's got a big tongue. He'll display it to people. He said, I haven't heard from him more. Don't know where he is. He's like the peep best of fucking comedy, right? Yeah, he is. You know what I'm saying? Nobody ever heard.

Starting point is 00:27:38 With Messina. All of them. Yep. And nobody, he called me once for a ride from the airport. Hey, you busy today? Can you give me a ride to the airport? I'm like, you fucking crazy, Tony Camacho. This is LAX.

Starting point is 00:27:50 The sweetest guy, though. Nice guy. He calls me up once says, Vic, what are you doing, May 1st and 2nd? He said, Tony, I'm booked with you. I was booked with you. He didn't know he had me, but the sweetheart of a guy. Biggest tongue.

Starting point is 00:28:05 You think of all those people that we came across. Oh, my God. And I call these people, I'm thinking of writing another book, and I'm calling it angels, just to give these people credit, the people that came into your life on the fucking road. Like, people had no reason to talk to you at the time. You know, we weren't, nobody knew who the fuck we were. And these people went out of their way for you.

Starting point is 00:28:26 They took you to eat. They showed you. I missed that whole lifestyle. I fucking missed that small mind comedy tour and mentality. Right. Once it gets too big, you enjoy it. Yes. And you look around.

Starting point is 00:28:38 you go, this is what I worked for all those years. I'm very happy. I attained it. But then you realize what you really want to do and what works for you. You'll come to you. Well, you should do fucking amphitheaters. Guess what, man?

Starting point is 00:28:51 I love the money I'll make an amphitheater. But you know what I love more? The personal and the, I like smaller rooms. Like Uncle Vinnie's. That's perfect. Uncle Finney's. He's also been a great. Him and Jerry.

Starting point is 00:29:04 Dino has been, and Jerry's a sweetheart. I talk more with Dino. But Jerry's a great guy. He's always there. But Dino has been a fucking godsend. Did he ever tell you that story? I'm on stage, and they literally... You know, when you're on stage and to the left, two people sit there.

Starting point is 00:29:21 It was two guys. One guy was like this. He was about to fall asleep. The other guy was like this. And he looked like he was about to throw up. Dino and Jerry just pulled the chair with the guy on it. It was like a scene from Goodfellas. Out the back door.

Starting point is 00:29:37 Pushed the chair. into the fucking, all that garbage juices, and they're kicking them and beating the shit out of him. They closed the door. His partner has still no idea that what the fuck just happened there. I was on stage while this happened, and I'm doing my act, you know, just to keep the audience attention away. But next time you talk to Dino, that's my Uncle Vinny's story.

Starting point is 00:29:59 I think that was a little better than my Joe Rogan story. Yeah. But I love Dino. I love going down there. It's a small, fucking place. And it really, like, you want to go into the city

Starting point is 00:30:12 some nights, you want to go to Carolines, you want to do this and you're like, you know what, I'm just going to go to a point place. I love Dino, but we got to have a talk to him. He's got to make a fucking green room.

Starting point is 00:30:20 He's got to clean out that office. A little green room for the comics. What do you think? I don't care whatever the fuck he does in that at this point. It's such a cute little club. I mean, a green room. Where do you hang out when you go there? The green room.

Starting point is 00:30:35 That's not a green room. It's his office. What? but it is what it is. That's why I hang. He probably cleans it up for you. No, it's fucking... When I get there,

Starting point is 00:30:43 there's fucking boxes on the couch. I still got a blanket that somebody gave me to a show. Every night I go, Dino, I got to bring this home. Okay, I'll give it to you. And every night I come home and I'm like, fuck,

Starting point is 00:30:53 I forgot that blanket. You know, we're getting old. We like that little blanket to watch TV. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's your fucking stinky feet at night. Oh, yeah. My balls are touching the toilet water now.

Starting point is 00:31:02 Oh, please. When I pee. My boys were touching them when I was fucking 45. Who the fuck are you kidding? But this social, like, listen, when I got into comedy, I struggled for a long time like you did. Right.

Starting point is 00:31:17 What were you praying for it to happen? I'm just curious. What? Like for me, to break it down for you, for me, I sustained comedy as hard as I, as much, as long as I could. But I was waiting for the day I could tell my story. I always knew in the back of my head, because I was watching HBO once,

Starting point is 00:31:37 You hate a boxer, right? You might hate a boxer. But when you watch that fucking, you know, they're fighting in two weeks and they take you to their house and you meet their wife. And all of a sudden you're like, that fucking, that animal's got six kids. He puts nail polish on with his daughter.

Starting point is 00:31:52 That fucking, and you're like, oh, I like this guy now. You know, it's not them just seeing you with a microphone and talking about, you know, what's on your mind. But I always knew. What was your thing? And I didn't know was the Internet was going to provide it for me. I didn't want to drive a school bus the rest of my life. You know, because I'd be coming in and I'd see guys my age and all the, you know, playing cards.

Starting point is 00:32:17 I said, I don't want to, I'm, it was scary. I didn't know. 2013 was the perfect storm in my career. I signed with a great manager who tripled my money and got me off the school bus. Kevin James calls me out of nowhere, puts me in more cop two. I get a viral video called, bread of milk, and the fans, I was selling tickets. It was beautiful, you know. I just didn't want to have a regular job the rest of my life. I always wanted to be a comedian. You know,

Starting point is 00:32:50 there's different levels of success. You got the Sabatio Man of Scalcos, the Dave Chappelle, the Bill Burrs, the Joe Rogans. I'm happy where I am. I'm not in the stratosphere, but I'm selling out theaters and clubs. I'm on tour with this young kid, Eric Delisandro, who's also got a huge social media platform. I'm in a TV show. That's going to be an Amazon Prime called Gravesend. I'm healthy. I got a beautiful wife.

Starting point is 00:33:15 Still turns me on. We had fucking amazing sex last night. It was fucking beautiful. She buys outfits. I hear all these guys like when you spoke about being married in your last podcast, either work it out or you get divorced. If you meet the right person, the woman in this business, that's half the battle.

Starting point is 00:33:35 to battle. You know? That's what happened with me. I met a woman and she swept me. We're grounded. We're grounded. Guys like us are like caribou and the herd is thinning. It's interesting the way you just put that.

Starting point is 00:33:53 I don't mean about dying in a 20, 30 years. No, no, no, no, no, no. We come from a different clot. You don't think I know that when I talk to people. I felt out of place all my life sometimes, you know, especially when I went out west. I always felt like out of place, you know. And then my daughter tells me all the time,

Starting point is 00:34:14 she's like, Dad, you're from a planet that doesn't exist anymore. You know, our thoughts do not. People don't want to know our thoughts. You know, it's like interviewing Pete Rose is not good for your health. Right. You don't know what that motherfucker is going to say. Put him in the Hall of Fame already. Ted Nugent, you know, all these guys with us.

Starting point is 00:34:29 Ted Nugent, you have listened to Stranglehold? Oh, my God. How great is that a great song to go walk up to the stage too? Oh, please. and the audience goes fuck with bananas. But you look at all the variables to comedy and stuff, and I'm very happy right now. I mean, I'm happy.

Starting point is 00:34:45 I got the opportunity to run with those guys. I'm happy I got to the comedy store, and I got accepted in there and stuff. But that was then. And this is now. And this is now. And now it's a different chapter in our lives, and you have to look at it differently.

Starting point is 00:34:58 I look at these guys having a great time, and I'm not jealous. I don't feel bad. Right. It's not like, I should be doing that. I'm going to get on the phone and I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing right now. I'm older. I don't see the whether, listen, after fucking our boy died in a hotel room, that made me think.

Starting point is 00:35:19 Who's that? The guy from that fucking show, the really good guy, Bob Sagitt. He's a really good guy. And listen, guys, we're all going to fucking die. Yep. You're all going to die. I want you to pick your fucking way or how you're going to die until I was, 45, I thought it was going to get shot.

Starting point is 00:35:38 You know, I thought it was going to get shot or OD or whatever. My fear, I don't want to die in a hotel room on the road. Fuck that. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. After I read that guys, and I know it's happened before comics had passed on the road. And there's a guy who had the sitcom, had all the success. Who fucking...

Starting point is 00:35:57 At 63 to be in Orlando in a fucking comedy room? No, no. You love comedy? So do I. That's why there's the comedy store. Right. Go to every fucking night. If that doesn't satisfy your whistle, go to the improv.

Starting point is 00:36:10 If that doesn't satisfy your whistle, then go to laugh factory. You know, you have so many opportunities. If I want to do comedy, I could go to Uncle Vinny's. I'd go to Stress Factory. I'd go to Tips. I'd go to fucking nine clubs here. Or I'd go in the fucking city. And that's what people have not understood that.

Starting point is 00:36:26 Right, right. You know, it was great. It was a great time in my life. But right now, like I was telling you, I'd rather go to a softball game and hang out with the parents. I just got a call from one of the parents. Can you drop off some weed at the sun? You know, this is what life is all about. And it's great.

Starting point is 00:36:40 That worked then. Yes. You know, when I did that kidnapping, I was doing a couple of those kidnappings. That worked then. I didn't have nobody at home. That worked then, but it wouldn't work now. Right. I couldn't leave this morning and go, honey, I'm going to kidnap that dude.

Starting point is 00:36:52 I'm going to do a drug rip. I'll be back with $50,000 at lunchtime. You're fucking nuts. I wouldn't even know how to carry a gun anymore and shooting. I don't know how to do that. Tie somebody up with a rope. I forgot all that shit already. That's not my life anymore.

Starting point is 00:37:06 So comedy is my life. Listen, when you're a comedian, it's like being a hell's angel. Right. It's like being a musician, you know. I didn't make it to the Marines. I didn't make it to a lot of things, but I made it to be a regular at the store. And I got in with a group of guys that mentored me,

Starting point is 00:37:21 and I mentored them. We all got a chance to help each other. And this is what this comedy game is. And I see what you're doing. And I'm like, fucking Vicks killing it with the videos. But you didn't know what it was. And one day you made a video. video. Right. And you looked at it an hour later and had a million hits. You know, like, holy

Starting point is 00:37:39 shit. And I work hard at it. Me and I manage you. I got a great relationship. He's more of a friend than a manager, but he helps me with the videos. I got to come up with different content. No hard that is. Every day since 2009. I do characters. I do this over-the-top character, Tony Gaga. You got a guy. I got a guy. It's stupid. I imitate the Giants coach. The Yankees coach after the games. I do a post-game locker room. I do ticked-off Vicks. My mother-in-law used to cook with me.

Starting point is 00:38:13 It's hard, man, but I'm working hard, and nobody's helping me and my manager. We're just doing it all on our own. And then when you do somebody's club, they expect you to promote. Fucking help me out, you know? Because like I, Bronx tail going back, nobody cares. Nobody fucking cares. They tell they care, but they don't care. And on the hindsight of that, not the insults you.

Starting point is 00:38:35 like that. I think that a lot of comics relied on that for years. And in today's motto, like today, these comics that are coming up now, they're going to have to do that. They're going to have to. I did it because I didn't want to walk into a room and D-Roo.

Starting point is 00:38:50 Right. They don't know how to know. But you've got to be a comedian first. You have to be a comedian first. Because if they do the video, all right, go on stage. Let me see you kill in front of 1,200 people for an hour.

Starting point is 00:38:59 What are you going to do for an hour that you did in the videos? You know? You got to be a comedian first Well, that's the problem we have That's the problem that I have I don't have a problem with this Like I told a friend of mine the other day I live in the fucking 70s

Starting point is 00:39:16 I still live by the Penzole commercial Penzo. You could pay me now Or you could pay me later Right You want to shoot a video Get 2 million hits Say you're a comedian

Starting point is 00:39:28 And then you get brought up on that stage You're going to get a world of hate You're going to be brought into a world that you're not going to be familiar with. If you want me to tell you my opinion on what's going on with that type of stuff, it's not going to be good. But

Starting point is 00:39:43 what I'm trying to fucking put together is that it's not the natural way to become a comedian. Oh, absolutely not. But this will... Listen, when you get a million views and then your manager goes, hey man, comics are doing this. You should just go up there and talk.

Starting point is 00:40:00 Listen, I've heard the speech that agents give their actor and potential. Agents of bottom fetus. Yeah, and they'll say like, hey, Mike, you were a singer in a band. Why don't you just tell jokes for 45 minutes? And you're like, but I'm not a comedian. Who cares?

Starting point is 00:40:16 Just go up there and talk for 45 minutes. And you're like, that's fucking disrespectful to people like me and him and fucking, you know, Jerry, whatever, and fucking Jimmy and Rich Faw. You're disrespecting the art that we created here that we've created for ourselves. Right. writing by so you just want to do it differently. You and I both know that the train ends badly. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:40:40 That train ends badly because you got to MC, you got a feature, and you really got to learn how to MC to control a fucking show, and that'll catapult you up to fucking headlining when you're ready. Anybody who overdoes that, you've got to pay your dues. You're going to pay your dues. So you can take that money. Dog, I would take it too when I was stupid.

Starting point is 00:40:59 Right. When you're stupid and you're broke. You'll take that money and you'll do things you're not supposed to. One rule I learned off the bat, don't go nowhere you don't belong. Don't go nowhere where you don't belong. If I see you at a club and you come up to me as an agent go, I am Vic. I'm really funny. What times you're set?

Starting point is 00:41:16 I'm not here to do comedy. I'm going to support Jimmy Florentine. You know what? Go fuck yourself. I want, you know, there's just so many things that have gotten out of control. But in the long run, when you see the YouTubers and a lot of these guys, I wish them a lot of success. I really do. they found their niche.

Starting point is 00:41:33 But I know that their success is not going to be with stand-up unless they go back to the grind. Exactly. I saw an interview with some young up-and-coming YouTube guy. It had to be like a year ago. Somebody sent me this thing because of that conversation. This kid's saying, I'm going to do comedy differently or whatever. Listen, comedy is comedy.

Starting point is 00:41:54 Music is music. Funny is funny. You're not going to change that fucking combination. Whether you're clean, dirty, black or white, and truiquist impersonated. fucking Gallagher, Seinfeld. Funny is funny. Except for Yoko Ono.

Starting point is 00:42:05 She couldn't make any good music ever. That was just fucking bad, Yoko Ono. Oh, Yoko Ono was just fucking bad. But it just seems that hard work has always been the key for me. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:42:17 And yeah, you're going to fucking skate at times. Listen, I've skated a ton of times. I'm skating right now. You know what I'm saying? But that shit, you're going to have to go back and do the work. I'm sorry. I love these things on Instagram.

Starting point is 00:42:30 You know, your podcast is worth a million dollars a month. Signed with us and we'll teach you. They haven't a clue. They don't have a fucking clue. They don't have a clue. You got to be on stage. You got to,

Starting point is 00:42:40 you got a bomb. Bombing humbles you. Bombing makes you better, you know? I love these guys that come off stage. Oh, I fucking kill. Meanwhile, all you heard were crickets. Yeah, you never kill. Anybody who comes off stage

Starting point is 00:42:52 and tells you they kill all the time. Dillusional. Fucking, it's sad. It's, wow. And thank God you get. See, that's the other thing you get it. You got experience. You get experience how to deal with people, how to deal with different crowds.

Starting point is 00:43:05 Yep. How to deal with, I was at a comedy show one time. Beautiful girl kept coming up every week in Seattle. Every week, every week, every week. Ten weeks she was there. Guys were offering her gigs. I'm sitting back there giggling my ass off because this chick wasn't any good. And they put her on a show one night.

Starting point is 00:43:19 And I was part of that show. She went up there trying to be a feature act. She was up there four minutes and some guy goes, show me your pussy. Just show me your pussy! Like that. This girl, fucking, dog, I saw it.

Starting point is 00:43:33 She just lost consciousness. She put the mic in, and she walked off. Wow. And I never saw on an open mic again. Holy shit. How do you follow that? No, it's not even the following. The thing I'm mentioning is how

Starting point is 00:43:45 she thought she was ready to be a feature act after 10 fucking weeks. Right, of course. And I sat there and watched it. You know how many times I sat at the, bro, when I sat at the comedy store with one of these Montreal comics, this motherfucker. Oh, just for laughs? Yeah, he was doing comedy like six years and went up to Montreal

Starting point is 00:44:01 and got like a million dollars and they decided to bring this motherfucker to the store like the agents didn't know what they were doing. Oh boy. He walked in with nine Jews, you know those comics? Oh yeah. When they come back from Montreal, all some of those agents are following you Jack. They're tapping you and they're light your cigarettes. They're rubbing your shoulders.

Starting point is 00:44:17 You got to see it. Oh! I had a friend that got a half million dollar deal. I knew when the deal didn't go through because he wasn't with him. Every time I saw that guy for two years, he was with my buddy. And all of a sudden I saw one and I go, where's your buddy? Oh, he had someone

Starting point is 00:44:33 to go. Two days later, the deal fell through a fox. I go, ain't that a bitch? Please. I saw a guy that was good-looking, you know, one of those good-looking young comics that they fall in love with Hollywood. Oh, he's, oh my God, we love him. The guy never made a fucking nobody laugh. Maybe his sister and his

Starting point is 00:44:49 mom, he fucking walked in with eight Jews, and the Jews didn't check to see he was on the lineup. And Mitzie put this YouTube star behind Andrew. Doug, you should have seen the panic in his face. Andrew's face?

Starting point is 00:45:03 No, the kid. Oh, okay. He had to follow Andrew. Oh, of course. This kid's coming right from Montreal. You know, they're lighting his cigarettes, rubbing his shoulders. So how did it go? How did it go?

Starting point is 00:45:11 How to fuck you? How do you think it went? How to fuck you? And until you see that, you see that a million times. Let me tell you something. And you feel it. You saw the life sucked right out of him. Right out of him.

Starting point is 00:45:26 I saw another kid that this kid just was a great wordsmith. but they were headlined him after a year at one of the top clubs, dog. And people were like, come on. And he kept sticking to him. And this guy paid Gersh. He brought him to Hollywood and did a complete showcase of him. But where they stopped first was the comedy store on a Sunday night. And I watched it.

Starting point is 00:45:53 I watched him come here and, oh, yeah, we got the. And I went up to Mitchie, I go, Mitchie, I'm going to bring this guy up. By the way, he's the next Bill Hicks. And she looked at him. And she goes, really? Okay, okay. This kid went up in the original room on a Sunday dog. He went up there.

Starting point is 00:46:08 He had the whole comic outfit, you know, the skull cap, the whole, you know. Three minutes in, Mitch he was yelling from the back. Get him off the stage. Bill Hicks my ass. See, you saw all that. I never went to the West Coast. I never went to L.A. But you saw it here.

Starting point is 00:46:28 Yeah. What I'm saying, what I saw on the West Coast, you saw here. Right. Many a night of Carolines when some guy walked in, I just got a big, and they get on stage, and they got to follow some fucking guy that doesn't know the meaning. He didn't get the memo. They're the Leonard Skinner's of the 70.

Starting point is 00:46:43 They never got the memo when they opened up for the stones. You know, you're opening up with the stones. You got to do this and this and this and this. Leonard Skinner's like, we didn't get the memo. Did he come off stage and say, I killed? No, this kid fucking came off stage, and here's the saddest part. The people who brought him up weren't even walking with him anymore.

Starting point is 00:47:00 He was walking 20 feet ahead of him. And they were walking behind them because they were too embarrassed. Because this is the business we chose. And I see those situations and I think of all these people that go somewhere before the time. See, you have, bro, you're a fucking, you're the king because you and me put the work in. I never had to look over my shoulder. I never had to worry about it. When I go on stage.

Starting point is 00:47:24 Some of my upbringings, Phil, how you brought up. You know, I was taught a hard work ethic. I used to drive when I had the school bus My route was in Staten Island So I lived here in Jersey I'd get up 4 3rd in the morning Go over the outer bridge Go to Staten Island do my run

Starting point is 00:47:43 And between runs You got like a few hours Until you pick the kids up from school I would come back to Staten Island And do this like the outer bridge Four times a day during the week When I was booked at the Borgata When Ray Garvey first put the Borgada

Starting point is 00:47:59 Comedy Club in Atlantic City at the Borgata, I'd be booked there for seven nights. I would be going back after my show, go back home, sleep four hours, get up, drive the fucking school bus and staten for five fucking nights in a row. You think these fucking guys, you got to break your balls, man. You just can't be giving it to you.

Starting point is 00:48:21 You got to work for it, you know? It tastes a lot better. And you can't learn this shit. You can't go to a fucking comedy school. Come on. This is like prison time. It's time served, bitch. It's time served.

Starting point is 00:48:34 This is time served. Listen, I remember I did an episode of Marin. Marin, he wrote an episode for Artie, and Ardy told him he didn't want to do it. After he wrote it. Artie Lang? Yeah, I don't want to do it. I don't want to fly out to L.A. So, you know, I did it.

Starting point is 00:48:48 And I never forget that day. Like, I had it acted in a while. Like, it had been like a window, like a year. By the way, you were great and many saints of doing it. Until I got shot. I know. I don't want to say it because anybody had. didn't see the movie yet.

Starting point is 00:49:00 No, who gives a fuck? That fucking scared the shit out of it. You didn't fucking see that movie yet after a year. No, how do they do that? It was CGI. It's not like the fucking head explodes. Okay. Got it.

Starting point is 00:49:12 Nothing. That was great. Nothing. When you saw your funeral scene, did that, like, fucking freak you out? Would they show your picture? They had to come and tell me the picture was for the funeral. I was like, oh. Wow.

Starting point is 00:49:26 But, you know, I went on. that set. First time I saw you was Spider-Man. You got to go through me first. That's right. That was fucking great. That was fucking crazy, man. But it's weird how you,

Starting point is 00:49:38 listen, I'm an hobbyist. I grew up watching movies and I copy what they do. And I go to an audition. If you want to know the truth, you look at these scenes and, you know, how I booked that soprano movie, I remembered an episode where they did and they were having a conversation,

Starting point is 00:49:57 Sylvia and Tony Soprano. Bruce Springsteen was playing. And during the episode, Tony looks at Sylvia and he goes, and Silvio nods his head. So when I got that audition, they were telling me a lot of people were having a hard time with that audition. Music comes on, and that was my line. My mom met his mom one time, and that's when God rest of soul,

Starting point is 00:50:25 the guy from Goodfell. Sirico. Henry Hill says. Well, Leota. Yeah, Ray Leota. says whatever the fuck, you know, we start talking about Sinatra. Right.

Starting point is 00:50:34 But I did the thing. I looked up first in the audition tape, and I pointed up, and I go, my mother met his mother one time. It's not that I'm an actor. It's that I stole that when I saw Tony and Sylvia. They love that shit. And they loved that shit.

Starting point is 00:50:47 So that, that's it. But when I got on the set for that, it was like 2000. You got to write a book. It's coming out, April 23rd of next year. Beautiful. You could order it already on Amazon. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:51:00 So when I got that job that day while I was shooting, and I know this has happened to you. This happened to me a lot to last, right before the pandemic, this has happened me a lot on stage when I was doing theaters. When I got to that set of Marin that day, you know, everybody was there, all the agents were there. Right. My agent, I had like BBA at the time. They didn't show up to those things, you know. But all the other agents were there with all their star comedic talents. Fucking bottom fetus.

Starting point is 00:51:30 And I'm fucking laying it down. I'm fucking laying it down. They're like improvised. Do what you want. I'm laying it. And I'm looking at all these agents' faces with their little fucking faggy comics. And they're looking at me like, holy fuck, this guy's killing it. And I remember that day going, wow, I can't believe that I'm this good.

Starting point is 00:51:48 I got this good. It shocked myself. Like I knew where to stand. Where was this? This was in L.A. I was shooting the Marin. Mark Maren had a TV show at the AFC. And I'll never forget that.

Starting point is 00:51:58 I was there going, how do fuck, did I get this good? at this. You know, I wasn't saying it to anybody. Right. Because I was very familiar what I was doing. I was good at it. And I thought back to the longest yard because I was on that set for 17 fucking weeks. And you can never replace that experience. 17 weeks, you just learn some of these little fucking things.

Starting point is 00:52:16 It's like going on a tour with Guns and Roses. You go on a tour with Guns and Roses as an opening act for a year. You're going to come back with a couple fucking things. Absolutely. It's like when the guy, again, we're going back to the Sopranos when he goes, you're not recording this right. And he goes, just to let you no, I've recorded Luxembourg, you know, like those fucking idiots here.

Starting point is 00:52:35 That's the problem. The powers that be are clueless, you know? They couldn't see talent if it was in front of them, you know? It's a fucked-up business. You have to spell it out for them. With auditions, I spell it out for them. When I got a call from an audition, I don't put it right on tape. I think about it for a few days.

Starting point is 00:52:55 I'm more nervous in audition than in front of 3,000 people. Are you the same? Like, are you nervous in front of three people reading the script? No. See, I'm nervous. I got over it. It took me a while. Like, I still remember reading for the original Sopranos in 99.

Starting point is 00:53:10 Who'd you read it with? To produce. I went to producers three times with three different characters. Gigi, Sheripper's character, and then they called me in to be a stand-up comic, but I wasn't available that week. But I read for them, and I never forget, reading for Gigi, and my sheets were still shaking.

Starting point is 00:53:29 Even though I knew my lines, I knew them backwards and forwards. I always bring my sides in to keep me centered. But I still remember them. Yep. But I still remember going to auditions with Travolta. Wow. And knocking it out of the park. Like, not even knowing that Travolta was there.

Starting point is 00:53:45 Like, I still remember going to audition. I'm coped up from last night. I get there at 10 o'clock on a Monday. And it's Billy Gardell and me. Oh, Billy Goddell. And I'm like, okay. Good guy. I go, Billy, you read?

Starting point is 00:53:57 Yeah, all right. I fucking walk in there. Chalda in the room. We got to read with DeVault. What was this for? What movie? It was for the Jimmy Roselli story. Did it ever happen?

Starting point is 00:54:07 That was my father's favorite singer. No, it never happened. He did the movie. Jimmy Roselli. Jimmy Roselli. He got Blackballed by Sinatra. Yeah, for not singing at his mother's Thursday party.

Starting point is 00:54:20 Fucking great story. Oh, yeah. Jimmy Roselle, this was a great fucking script. Wow. He canceled it. Leota was going to play, Travolta was going to play him? and me and Billy Gardell were going to be his opening acts on the road.

Starting point is 00:54:32 The fucking script, I'll look, and I'll give it to you, because I think I still got it. Is it a dead issue? Dead issue. Dead. I love to revamp it, though. Bro, it was all set in Hoboken. We were going to be in Hoboken for eight weeks.

Starting point is 00:54:47 We were going to stay in this city. You have no fucking idea. And he picked that micro-fucking, that Scientology movie with the Martians, and the thing, he took that instead. Oh, something with Mars in the Thames? title? Yes. With Jack Nicholson?

Starting point is 00:55:01 No, it was just him, I think. He took that fucking battle star fucking piece of shit. That Roselli shit was hysterical, dog. My father used to play Malafemina and he was... He was really good. He had a great voice.

Starting point is 00:55:16 Oh, my God. And he used to sell albums out of his trunk. He used to sell albums out of his trunk because he was blackballed. And all the Italian wise guys would go, oh, Jimmy, come on, you're embarrassing me. Close the fucking trunk. go around the corner and sell those.

Starting point is 00:55:29 It was a great script. It was a great fucking script. Yeah, he got black ball because Jimmy Roy. He didn't sing at Sinatra's mother's birthday party. See, now, could some young comic on fucking YouTube know what we're talking about? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:55:44 Aren't you glad? Well, this is what I tell people, the experiences. Remember Dean Martin, Celebrity Rose, and Red Skelton, Johnny Carson? How fucked up with Dean Martin get on national TV on a Thursday night? And we would sit there.

Starting point is 00:55:57 I still remember Sanford and his son and Chico and the man on Friday nights, ordering a pizza, Alona Mertons would come over, we'd swap spit, and then I'd dry hump of the debt for like 20 minutes until I was sweating and shit. She's like, why ain't gonna stop dry humping me? Later, later.

Starting point is 00:56:13 Dry humping. Wow. In fact, the other day I saw something that was tremendous. Somebody sent me a fucking video of two dogs fuck and then they got stuck. Did anybody else see that? Then they go back to back. And they go back to back.

Starting point is 00:56:25 And they go back to back. And they walk. Did you see the video that day? And it's like they're yelping. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never saw dogs. And when I was a kid, as soon as you pulled up into the Bronx, you see two dogs fuck, Jesus Christ. And then an owner chasing like a fat Italian grandmother.

Starting point is 00:56:39 Get away from my poodle. She's fucking a German shepherd with a big black dick. She's backwards. She's running backwards because he's running forward shit. You know, people forget all about that stuff. You know, being a kid and playing buck buck, you know. Playing what? Buck, buck, you know, Johnny on a pillow.

Starting point is 00:56:55 Oh, okay. Johnny on the podcast. pony. Yeah, Johnny on the pony. And we call the fire hydrant, the Johnny pump. The Johnny pump. But if you use the Johnny pump and somebody jumped on you, you'd bang your head where you fucking open the thing.

Starting point is 00:57:07 And then you'd have that octagon in your fucking head. Trust me, I had a friend that still has an octagon. He had to put like a tattoo. Like Charles Manson with the fucking. He had that fucking octagon riding this goddamn head. But Vic, this has been a... I feel like having cake and coffee with you now. I know.

Starting point is 00:57:25 No, I got to see you a lot more. Because we live down here. Six minutes away. That's it. So maybe we'll do something at fucking... Whatever you want. I'd love to do... Yeah, let's do something at Dena.

Starting point is 00:57:35 I'll surprise him one night. You, you know, do your Wednesday night and just... Okay. I can't do anything now because I'm doing parks. At your convenience. So fucking... I got a 120 feet radius, right? No rush.

Starting point is 00:57:47 Yeah, something like Parks is a great gig. You're going to like that. I love it. It's beautiful. Last time I did parks, I just jumped off the stage into the audience. I didn't even go on the back room. It was so crazy. Great staff.

Starting point is 00:57:56 Great green room. The food. Great green room. The fucking dog. Yeah. I'm doing it the night before Thanksgiving. That's it. Who you doing it with?

Starting point is 00:58:03 Eleanor. Eleanor. Nice. I think Florentina stopped by. You're always walking to come pick up an envelope. You don't meet, dog. We're there. We'll take a bus down.

Starting point is 00:58:14 We'll fucking get Chinese food. Wow. Where do you mean Chinese food? Empire? To go out for dinner, Peking Pavilion on 33. Now that's really good. It's gourmet Chinese. Gourmet Chinese.

Starting point is 00:58:25 But Joe, listen to me, the best. Chinese pair ribs, kings, and freehold on Route 9. Really? By the staples, trust me. The fucking meat falls off the bone. It's to bet kings. How good is the pork fried rice? Excellent.

Starting point is 00:58:40 But for nice, fancy, you take your wife. Peeking pavilion, I heard. The best. I like shrimp and lobster sauce with pork in it, with the little bits of pork. And the only people who do it around here is the not the Peking, the one on the, if you go opposite cousins and Osteria. I know what you mean.

Starting point is 00:59:00 That place is good. That place got a mean, shrimp and lobster, but they're rude. They're rude. They don't talk to you. They go, who, who, who, they don't fucking talk to you. The guy came up and I thought he was a retard. He's like, ooh, who, who, to take the dish. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:59:15 With the fucking hoops. I gave him the credit card. She's going, tap, a, top, a top. I don't know she meant tap. Tap, okay. I'm sticking it in. I'm sliding it. Now you're going to eat tap, tap, a top, a top, oh, tap.

Starting point is 00:59:26 It's hard, you know, to understand. The food down here is very good. You know, don't, I hate that. Oh, you can't get good pizza and bagels in Jersey. Fuck you, yes, you can. Where do you get your bagels? They bring them from Staten Island for me. Okay, no argument there.

Starting point is 00:59:40 How do I beat that one? This fucking big. If I'm around neighborhood, I train at O'Bridge, so I go to Bagel Boy sometimes. You like Brooklyn Pizza? Yeah. For the square? Oh, yeah. Brooklyn Square.

Starting point is 00:59:53 It's like Spamoni Gardens in Brooklyn. Yes. I like that place. I like, uh, I like the other fucking Daninos. Oh, of course. I like Carlos. Yep.

Starting point is 01:00:03 I like Carlos. I like John a lot. I call those. He's a good dude. El Nito's the Queen de la Crem. It's not your typical Italian restaurant. I like El Nito. I love fucking, I love Osteria, Angelo's.

Starting point is 01:00:20 Never been there. Fucking great guy. You know what I get in there when I go? Simple. Escarole and beans. That's almost like pasta vazool, right? The soup. I get a bowl this fucking big.

Starting point is 01:00:32 Oh, God. I tell her, bring me some bread, Parmesan cheese, and crushed red pepper. I'm good. I can't, if I go to Cheeseburger night on Monday nights, you got to go to Cheeseburger night,

Starting point is 01:00:43 Astoria, 1695, cheeseburger, a beer. I want a nice spaghetti cabanara with a glass of Merlo. Oh, fucking cut. Fried calamad, that appetizer,

Starting point is 01:00:53 then Petramousseau's dessert with a cappuccino. Then you could put me to the electric chair. Oh, my God. They got Cafe Luna. Yeah, it's by me. Fucking great. Guys, we live in an area that if you want Italian food, you're going to get it.

Starting point is 01:01:07 And you could get it. They got that place across the nine by Wild Wings. The Talakusa, Casa, whatever in there. They don't fuck around in there. You know, I love it down. I got down here because I had a brother who lives in Morganville. I used to come down here in 2008. I would go deliver fish with him out of the Fulton Fish Market.

Starting point is 01:01:27 Crazy. Out of all the places you could have moved. You're fucking six minutes for me. Did you fucking believe this? And this is. I haven't seen you since rascals and here we are. No, but I bumped into you once after that. I think I bumped into L.A. one night.

Starting point is 01:01:42 Oh, and I had to be when I was out there with, okay, with John Maroonie. I did big bees. Yes. Yes. Pasadena. Yes. When Rosie O'Donnell used to book it. What was the name of that place?

Starting point is 01:01:55 The Ice House. The Ice House. Yeah. Nice house. Comedy saw I just went in, never went on stage. I was just in awe. It was just, wow, the comedy store.

Starting point is 01:02:04 You know, people understand like a looker. For me, being from Jersey, the things I saw, what I went through, it would have just been an honor to walk in the comedy store. To perform there, for a guy like me,

Starting point is 01:02:18 that's like an HBO special. That's what these people will never understand. For everybody else, it's not that big of a deal. but for me to be a regular at the store that's like being in the U.S. Marine Corps that goes forever that you can't take that away from anybody

Starting point is 01:02:34 there's a lot of people who became regulars and were there for like a year and they moved on I was there for 20 fucking years I was a regular active regular guy You went from Denver to the comedy store? No I went from Denver to Seattle Okay wow I went from Denver and I came back here

Starting point is 01:02:52 How did they take you in Denver and Seattle like this rough this tough loud New Jersey guy the camera on them yeah the camera

Starting point is 01:03:01 still on Vic yeah um you gotta remember one thing here I would have been a nuisance but in Denver

Starting point is 01:03:10 do you remember when we were kids we had the same four Italians on TV the two morons from fucking the one moron from fucking

Starting point is 01:03:20 Leverne and Shirley oh wait the big ragu you had Tony Danza Fonzie? You had Fonzie. You had the big Italian guy.

Starting point is 01:03:29 Oh, what was the name? Laverne's father? Yeah, the guy that was on the sitcom guy that I love. Robert Pastorelli. That was my fucking idol. I got to meet him and he died. I know the name. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:38 Which show? He did one of those shows with Karen. I don't know, but he was the typical Italian. Whenever they wanted, there was like four of them. And if you watch TV from the 70s now, you'll see these four. He's one of those character actor Italians. You just see it. And then a couple years ago, I did Children's Hospital.

Starting point is 01:03:54 and I ended up working with the guy from Laverne and Shirley. He just passed away. The Big Ragoo. Yes. Eddie Mecca. Eddie Mecca. Eddie Mecca. He just passed away.

Starting point is 01:04:05 I did whatever. We got to talk and he was like, when I got into this, there was like five Italians. Awesome, it's like they opted the fucking boat out to L.A. You look more Italian than me. Please. I'm not even, I'll never book anything in Cuban. Even if a Cuban guy writes it, they wrote that Cuban. Why, Al Pacino played Scarface.

Starting point is 01:04:23 Yeah, but that's, but that's, but. I'm talking about I'll never work on a Cuban movie. Don't never give me one of those because I don't look Cuban enough. So, like, they called Andy Garcia, who knows me and said, do you want him from Father the Bride? He's like, that's the last guy I went on my set. Wow. But everything I've ever booked is Italian, but back to your question.

Starting point is 01:04:40 You were born in Cuba? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you were? Yeah, I got smuggled into this motherfucker in 1960s. You're a political refugee? A political refugee from Kuwa. You know what I'm saying? But you think about this.

Starting point is 01:04:53 When I started in Denver, they held me with open arms, and when I started in the seat. I went from Denver to New York for nine months. That's how I met Mike Bichetti. Mike Bichetti. At the New York Comedy Club, an owl, whatever. I met a couple other people, but they moved on.

Starting point is 01:05:10 We share a lot of those. I met Dave Chappelle at the Boston Comedy Club. I never met Dave. Met him at the Boston Comedy Club. Then in 93. Then I went back to Colorado. I was serious about comedy. Did it there for about two years.

Starting point is 01:05:23 went to Seattle and Seattle was a great comedy scene. You know, they rained. This is during the, the Kurt Cobain days and... Kurt had just died. 94. I got the Seattle, June, July of 95, and I stayed till 98. And then I got a deal from CBS and I moved to fucking L.A. And that was...

Starting point is 01:05:45 And look at you now. And this is bad? And this is bad? No, this is not bad. What's wrong with this? Nothing. Your daughter's coming home soon, right? I mean, come on.

Starting point is 01:05:56 Four, four o'clock is no school today, Jewish holiday. There you go. Frasian Homer. Then we go to softball practice tonight, and then, I don't know, whatever the fuck happens. Beautiful. But I'm happy. We're blessed. We are blessed.

Starting point is 01:06:09 Yes, we are, man. We're very fucking lucky, man. Thank you. Thank you. This is so nice. Thank you. I'm right around the corner. Anytime you want to come in and talk about the jets, the giants, the Yankees, you know, you're always welcome.

Starting point is 01:06:22 All right. And we'll end up. We'll do something over the holidays. Let's do something in December. Let's do something in December. And you got to taste my wife's Begzidi. Okay. I wasn't going to say something else.

Starting point is 01:06:34 Is it good? Joey, it's, trust me. Some lady just gave me some Begziti yesterday. You're going to tell all these neighbors to go fuck themselves after you taste my wife. This Bajidi I had one that was fucking good. Really good. I mean, fucking really good.

Starting point is 01:06:50 I like it without the meat. But yeah. I would like to go to El Nito, you and your wife and my wife. You let me know. You fucking let me know. And I want to go to the butcher box. Where is that? Oh, that's where they got.

Starting point is 01:07:02 How dear? Yeah, that's in like New Brunswick. That's a great steakhouse. There's a ton of places I want to. Is that by the stress factory? Even cousins open there. Cousins open there. Oh, I love the stage.

Starting point is 01:07:14 It's three floors and cousins now. Where? He's got three floors, the new cousins in New Brunswick. Yeah, it's a cross from Uncle Vinny's. I've never been there yet. I've been to the other day. I love cousins. I love all those.

Starting point is 01:07:26 These restaurants are great in New Jersey. People have no fucking idea what they miss. You know, Red Bank has some great. Absolutely. Asbury. Have you got to that 518 yet, 618 and Freehold? Yeah, and Freehold. How good is it?

Starting point is 01:07:38 I loved it. Better than Olito? I'll take El Nito. What do you get at El Nito? The, uh, the black squid. Oh, shit. That's what I get. No.

Starting point is 01:07:51 That's my favorite. All right. That's my favorite. Right. black squid with the toe crab. Yes. You know, it's perfect. They give you the perfect portion.

Starting point is 01:07:58 You're not out there like, ugh. And I've heard people get mad because they're like, well, the portion is working. No, you got to know. No, it's worth it. It's fucking worth it.

Starting point is 01:08:08 I love the black ink pasta. I love the, I like simple shit. Yes. Like, I can't eat no more stuff shells. I can't eat another kind of lonely. I can't eat another stuff gets me heavy on my stomach.

Starting point is 01:08:21 I love seafood. Oh, I love seafood. I just don't like. I don't like sushi. To me, that's bait. I like sushi. My wife loves sushi. I love it.

Starting point is 01:08:28 You like oysters? No, I don't like sushi. It's got to be cooked. The fuck. Have you had the seafood towel from Alito? Yes. No, no. You mean cousins?

Starting point is 01:08:36 El Nito. They have one too? Oh, boy. Okay, I got to change your plans over there. There's a choice of tourie players good over there. And I want to sit where you can see the cook in the booth. Yeah, the book. Yeah, I'll have some privacy.

Starting point is 01:08:52 Oh, it's great, man. It's fucking great. I love going on. And I miss Joe. I miss Joe. I miss you. My daughter misses Joe. He wanted to put me in, like, he owns that home strip.

Starting point is 01:09:02 He wanted to do like a comedy night. That's what he wanted to do. He told me, he told me, goes, he wanted to move the towel place. I wanted to open up a coffee shop over there because they just opened up a coffee shop on the other side of town.

Starting point is 01:09:15 It's not that good. The coffee was stale. And it wasn't fucking hot. Like, I want my coffee hot. The coffee's got to be hot. It's got to be piping hot. We must have went through every fucking Carrig machine Because I didn't like the temperature

Starting point is 01:09:27 To one of them says there's a setting You could set it high It's got to be hot coffee I like hot coffee too man What's your next date? This is embarrassing But I really don't give a shit Because I feel very comfortable with you

Starting point is 01:09:40 I'm gonna read it off a piece of paper So I don't forget anything Because I was so pumped to be here To plug myself Hard Rock Casino October 14th and 15th Count Basie November 5th

Starting point is 01:09:53 Uncle Vinnie's November 26th, and that's that. November 26 is what? I have no idea. I just wrote November 26. You want to walk up to come and say hello and do a guest spot. I would be honored. Yeah, because I asked them one night and I just don't want to go down there. I want to go down there and watch them.

Starting point is 01:10:12 So you're there November 26. Yeah, we could even eat at a restaurant. You ever go to the poached pair? No, I'll be there. Just 26. And the prime steak. I would put that second to 618. It's on Arnold Avenue.

Starting point is 01:10:28 Same side as Uncle Vinny's. Really? Prime steak. Good. You got to make reservations. Joey, please tell me you've been to Chef Vulles. No. Have you ever heard of it?

Starting point is 01:10:41 Yes. Where is it? Tell me what is. It's a block away from the Tropicana. Oh, yeah, yes. In the basement. Fuget Sinatra used to eat there. I know.

Starting point is 01:10:50 It's mentioned in Broadwalk Empire. You go downstairs, you feel like you're in your grandmother's basement. The food is arguably the best Italian food in Jersey. It's the whole experience. That's what I heard. I heard Jay Z eats there. I heard fucking Beyonce. Just calling this for Mike Esposito.

Starting point is 01:11:07 Tell him who you are. You'll get right in. No. I just tell them I like to come down there and eat. It seems fucking great. You can't get in. You got to know somebody. Mike Esposito.

Starting point is 01:11:17 Yeah. Done. Trust me. I love you, Vic. I love you too. I feel bad that I didn't see you so much in fucking a year. Ma, please. But now you're here and you know where I live.

Starting point is 01:11:28 Exactly. You give me a number before I leave. Absolutely. I love you, motherfuckers. I want to thank Vic for coming on and all you cock suckers for watching on a beautiful Wednesday, morning, afternoon, whatever. Stay black and we'll see you Monday morning. Tip-top, McGoo, Cocksuckuckers. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors, Jack.

Starting point is 01:11:48 All right, I want to thank you cocksuck suckers. and I want to thank Uncle Vic for watching for being on the show today. The joint is brought to you by Displate. Looker, you want to fill that hole in your wall? I got the perfect fucking answer. Displate is a cool new metal poster that you'll want in every room. It's easy to hang up. And they got millions of designs available.

Starting point is 01:12:09 Gaming, old movies, new movies, comics, and they got Star Wars and Netflix and many more. Listen, they sent me to Bruce Lee one fucking tremendous. You can hang it in 10 seconds. You don't need no tools, no drills, no fucking measuring, Pogo sticks, nothing. Just do me a favor. Every time you buy one,

Starting point is 01:12:28 display plants a tree in your name. So click the link in the description to see some of my favorite displays and save up to 29%. Get 25 off when you buy one or two and get 29 off when you buy three or more. That's a tremendous discount. And they'll automatically be applied to your cart

Starting point is 01:12:47 when you use code Joey when you visit this plate.com. Again, that's display. D-I-S-P-L-A-T-E dot com code Joey, J-O-E-Y. The joint is also brought to you by Dant-T-A-T-A-T-Raff Kings. Oh shit, we got some good games this weekend

Starting point is 01:13:08 and you're sitting there again. Listen, if you think you're going to download the Draft Kings app because you're on a fucking better team, you know what the best thing about Draft Kings is? like Monday night the Giants lost Do you think I lost any sleep? No

Starting point is 01:13:21 because I had fucking Barclay to score a touchdown and he scored it and it paid double than what I invested So there you go And you want bigger payouts Then you gotta go

Starting point is 01:13:29 With the fucking same game parlay The more legs you add The more Gidas you win Not to mention It's baseball playoffs World Series UFC Come on guys

Starting point is 01:13:38 Download the Draft King Sportsbook app Today Use promo code Joey Get 200 and free bets If your team wins when you place the bet for $5. And that's just a start.

Starting point is 01:13:49 You're bankrolling. And then we'll get on on those prop bets and we'll do all that shit. That's Code Joey at Draft King Sportsbook, an official sports betting partner of the NFL. Minimumage and eligibility restrictions apply. See show notes for details. Now, download the Draft King's app

Starting point is 01:14:06 and let's win some fucking cash, please. And the joint is also brought to you by by one of my fucking favorites. Liquid IV. Holy shit. Fuel your play with. liquid IV. The hydration is two times faster than water alone because life's a lot better when you're hydrated. You get dizzy, you get headaches. Liquid IV has 10 refreshing flavors. Concord grape,

Starting point is 01:14:28 lemon, lime, and tropical punch. I like the fucking cherry and the assyia. Let me tell you something. If you're smoking dope, this motherfucker will fucking kill that thirst. You wake up, you eat edible at night, you wake up dizzy and shit. Your Brett smells like dick. Drink a liquid IV and your backcock suckers. I'll do be a favor. You could grab Liquid IV in bulk nationwide at Costco or you get 15% off when you go to Liquidiv.com, use promo code Joey at checkout. And I'm going to get your 15% off anything you order when you shop

Starting point is 01:14:59 for better hydration using promo code Joey at Liquid Ivy. I want to thank this plate. I want to thank Liquid Ivy. I want to thank Draft Kings. I want to thank all you fucking savages. Better help, I don't know, Manscape, Express. VPM, I love you. I want to thank Vic. I want to thank Mike, but I want to thank you, motherfuckers. And I'll see you as all next week. Tip Top Magoo. Ready to go. Be no,

Starting point is 01:15:24 it'll be October. So get your shit together. Love you. Stay black.

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #200 | VIC DIBITETTO | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.