The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #202 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Thursday, October 6th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Stamps.com & Manscaped… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms. MANSCAPED Get 20% off plus free shipping with the code DIAZ at https://manscaped.com STAMPS.COM Go to https://www.Stamps.com Use Promo Code: JOEY for a 4 Week Trial, Free Postage & a Free Digital Scale!  Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #Stamps #Manscaped The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.tiktok.com/@michaelklein.onebyone?_t=8WGoFLvJWVG&_r=1 Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It's a beautiful day. It's Thursday the 6th of fucking October. I'm sorry I didn't have a podcast yesterday but I had to work this week. It was a fucking nightmare. I got to do it again next Thursday. This was not what I signed up for but it is what it is.

This is the time of the year between my mother's, death and just the holidays you know people get a little funky i don't get funky i just start thinking about stuff like uh what's going on in the other day i swear to god i got i got in the car and i was driving somewhere and i just saw that song came on i can't go for that by all notes and i'm like fuck and i every time i hear that song it makes me think of ralphie may right so i'm sitting there and i'm I'm like, fuck, Ralphie's anniversary is coming up soon. And all of a sudden, I'm like, holy shit.

It's got to be one day this week. And I didn't even finish that fucking thought. And the Smash Brothers hit me up yesterday. Check in on me, how you doing? And to go, can you believe Thursday is Ralphie's five-year anniversary? I was like, what the fuck? How quick did those fucking five years go? I still have his number of my phone

I mean I still It's funny because I used to talk to Ralphie My main day to talk to Ralphie I wouldn't have I wouldn't see Ralphie for weeks of the time But for some reason We always connected on a fucking Saturday morning On the road

He would always call me like he would go to bed At like two and get up like at 8 And he talked to me in between Like we'd speak for like an hour on Saturdays And I'd tell him what was going on and he told me what was going on. And it was, it was kind of nice.

There was no, Ralphie and my friendship was no fluff. You ever see like, you know, Matt Damon hanging out with George Clooney and they're giggling and everything is a fucking riot, you know, it wasn't like that with him.

Like when I was with Ralphie, it was just us, talking shit, smoking dope, giggling about people. Like, he didn't take anything seriously. And I missed,

him. I miss him as a friend, but I also miss him as a standup, because it was, as a standup, he was a unique fucking guy. Like, he was just, he was bigger than life. You know, he was 600 fucking pounds. He did not give a fuck. He wore that, uh, that belt, the Elvis belt, like he just won a championship and shit. It was hysterical. Those fucking leather jackets, like, I remember after he died, his wife put up clothes to sell. And I'm like, who fits in that jacket? Who, you know, like the big yellow jacket from one of the specials. And like, who fits in these fucking things?

Like, I have a four-X leather jacket upstairs that one of his friends gave me. That used to give us both jackets. I can't wear that jacket. Number one, if it don't weigh 100 pounds, it don't wear. Every time I put that jacket on, I can't fucking breathe. I'm like, why am I fucking huffing and puffing because I got a weight of vest on? But Ralphie was sweet. He was a great ride.

and when it came to class, like he was from Arkansas, you know, and when you're in California, those people look down on Southerners. I'm sorry, listen, they just have a pre-existing fucking mental note about Southerners, you know, when they hear that voice and shit, they kind of like, it perks up their ears,

Gentiles in L.A., you know? And I could tell that always heard him. It hurt my wife. My wife is from the South. And every once in a while, she would throw a little twang up and fucking, you know, it was like people look at it like she's retarded. And that bothered Ralfrey. Ralphie knew that people looked at him, you know, like a fucking redneck.

And he did everything he could in his power. Ralphie reminded me a lot of my mother because his past came into his future. He grew up so poor in Arkansas. He grew up so fucking poor and so like out of search, that when he got older, he wanted to make that right. So everything he did was big. Ralphie didn't buy an eighth of pot. He bought a pound a pot.

Ralph, he didn't buy 10 edibles. He bought all of them from the store. You know, Ralphie didn't get two pieces of fucking white fish sushi. I mean, I was telling my wife, I remember times when we would go to sushi dan. Listen, to walk in there cost you 20. Just to walk into sushi dan, you're dropping 20. Whatever you pay for fucking sushi in this country, you walk into sushi Dan.

There was two places Ralphie went. There was one fucking place that was sushi Dan. He turned me out to sushi den, and I fucking loved it. But there was a place on Beverly that Ralphie would go to, and it was just straight up gangster millionaire celebrities at this fucking sushi spot. From Clint Eastwood to the fucking people from X-Men. I saw so many fucking people in there. When Ralphie hit, he started going to that restaurant.

He didn't care if he had 200,000 of the bank. He was going to that restaurant twice a day, every day. And when he would walk in, they would bang a drum and yell like, come on, whatever Japanese people do when you walk in. And he would look back at them and go, must be the money. Like shit like that. Like, you would just fucking die with him. He would go in there and drop guys, no exaggeration.

a thousand a thousand for lunch not a hundred not 250 a thousand 800 dollar lunch tab dog 200 300 300 tips all those Japanese people

were walking around bowing the whole fucking time dog we used to go to this other place when we got into sushi we used to go to this other place on Santa Monica Boulevard right in the beginning of boys town fucking traumatic guys I've never ever had Albuquer like that place again.

They just didn't give you a piece of albacore. They put like fucking onions on it and those, that little red hot Filipino fucking spice. Oh my God, you would eat that shit and we would go in there me and Ralphie was 22 bucks all you could eat. Do you understand me?

And we were walking there and they would just look at us mortified. Like you guys are going to put us out of business. And we were going there and kill the fucking albacore. Kill it. Every time we'd go back, there was a sign. Only 10 pieces of albacour.

coral out. Like, every time we went back, there would be something saying, you know, whatever fish we fucking took apart. But the best day we, the hostess there, her name was Ellen. Helen was a hot, 45-year-old

Japanese chick. When I say hot, I mean fucking hot. And we would go in there and torment Helen, like Helen, you take in the ass, you know, we would just say shit to Helen, like Helen, you suck a good dick. And she didn't understand. She'd go, Nothing. You look pretty today.

You know, like we were just tore and Ralphie would fucking die in there. That place, we destroyed that. But the best day ever, we walked in there one day. And they're like, we closed. We closed. I'm like, you're not fucking closed. You're just trying to stop the fat man's journey and shit.

And they're like, no, we closed. We had kitchen. We had fire in kitchen. And me and Ralph are like, it's a sushi place. What the fuck you mean? had a fire. You Japanese people do not know how to do Jewish lightning. Leave it to the fucking Jews

if you want to burn this place. We fucking tormented that lady. We tell her Helen, come over. Let's smack your ass. And she'd come over, she'd let her smack her ass. I mean, we'd tipple like 50 fucking bucks apiece. But that was Ralphie. Like, Ralphie wasn't into you know, man.

Stand-up comedy has gone in a direction where it's crazy. And then Ralphie kind of started that. Ralphie bought the first convertible beamer. There was like maybe 25 of them made in the country. I don't know what he spent for this fucking thing. I don't, you know.

But all these other comics, man, like there's some comics that are classy motherfuckers. Like Gabriel Laces, that's a stand-up motherfucker. And I'll tell you why. He would have a party every year for comics. It would cost Gabriel, close to $30,000, $40,000. He would have a $10,000 porker tournament.

He would buy a car. he would raffle off a big screen TV. You have no fucking idea. And Ralphie had the same heart. You know, Ralphie, I mean, he paid for Mercy's crib. I can't tell you how many times I would call Ralph and go, Ralph, I don't have a dime in my pocket. And I got two flat tires.

And he would go, tell me what store you want to take it to have him call me and I'll give him my credit card without even asking, guys. Without even asking, never embarrass me out in public. Like, hey, you know, all. Our journey, his friends, went a long fucking time. And the funny thing about Ralphie was, when I met Ralphie, I mean, everybody knows this, I was pretty much homeless. And Ralphie wasn't doing any better. Ralphie just had an apartment, and he was, you know, Ralphie knew how to do gigs way before me.

He knew the ins and outs of comedy, but I missed my afternoons with him, man. Comedy changed, like comedy changed for me so many times. It went from me and when you get to L.A. You just want to be noticed and just have some spots for people to like you, you know. And him and I would sit together every fucking happen. I'd go over there about 11 and we'd start writing stupid jokes. And then we'd put together our chains to figure out what the fuck we're going to eat for lunch. And some days he had it, some days I had it.

It was a beautiful, beautiful friendship from 98. It was really beautiful. He gave me that family life. I always tell people in L.A., you miss the family. He filled that in. He fucking filled that in so much that I was like. And he took care of me. I remember him being poor as fuck.

And we would have like these little pseudo barbecues every Sunday. I would bring a pack of chicken. Josh Wolf would bring wings, you know. It was just guys. just staying alive, doing the best they could. It was beautiful. And I still remember, no matter how broke he was, every time we had a barbecue,

he would give Josh Wolf a bag of candy. Like he would go buy fucking Ralphie Mae candy. Ralph May just didn't buy a bar of Hershey's. Ralphie Mae bought a bag of Hershey. So he would buy it for him. But when Josh would come over, he would always give him a bag of candy for his kids. I mean, it was just,

Josh talks about it I talk about it Doug Stanhope talks about it When we lived on that little Hollywood row guys We were Beyond poor We were just poor

We were just poor Like things weren't happening People calling their parents You know You had to do shit You know And we made it Like it was the

It was the best time I had Being fucking poor Like he just And then he blew up Like he started blowing up but in 2005 was when he really hit 2004

or 2003 when I was shooting Spider-Man 2 was when that whole thing went down and it was he went from living and guys go to some of these apartment on a Monday and then call him on Thursday and he's like you're going to come to my new place he lived he moved from the shitty

apartment on Gardner or Schrader that's where he lived Shrader to a fucking What do you call those things? When you live in a community? It was like a fucking community. You had to go through a gate and wave at the dude,

and they fucking hated him. They fucking hit a little liquid IV, a little fucking cherry, tremendous. Get your fucking kicking. They hate him. He had Sean Rouse living with him. I'll never forget going there for the first time. He didn't have no food in the house.

He had a little bit of food, and he had furniture and shit. but right smack in the middle of the room on the coffee table which was gorgeous glass coffee table he had a fucking jar with a pound of weed in this motherfucker and he would leave him

first he had one pound and then he just started getting two pounds three pounds so it would be three different types of weed in the middle of his house with a jar in it like a cookie jar like all you had to do is open it up and take a fucking bud and put it back that's like the first week he hit That was his first fucking thing he did

He moved he bought that fucking couch and TV and all this shit And he made sure he always had three pounds apart in that fucking house man And once he hit I was still fucking broke as fuck And he never held it against me He never said aren't you picking up a tab We were doing 400-dollar lunches at the steakhouse me him and Josh Wool He would just pick us up

And go you guys want to go eat me And Josh were like Yeah we're gonna eat turkey burgers For lunch again And he would go now Fuck the turkey burgers Let me take you down to Fucking

It wasn't Mortons It was the other one Right in the afternoon With crab meat and lobster tails I'd be sitting there going Nobody would fucking believe me That's how I ate those days It was either him or Rogan

That took me to fucking dinner It was just insane It was insane But I'm happy I had them both his friends. I'm happy they both understood the struggle. And I miss Ralphie. You know?

He was fucking great and just do me a favor today. At one point of the day, just watch a video of Ralphie May and laugh. Just for me, just to keep him alive because it's always fucking great. I watched one of his videos. I put on the podcast

the on the night when he started with the fucking he hated Russians. The filthy Russians. I don't even know what he talking about you know it was he was a beautiful it was a beautiful life he was a beautiful comic and he was a fucking way better friend and it was uh you know in hollywood and all that whole scene you the word love is thrown around and he's my brother and all this shit the people don't even call you to check on you to see how your kids are you know not ralphi ralphi called you every week ralphi threw you money ralphi you know he was just a one of a

kind dude and the people that really knew him man they always call me like it's weird how you know people still heard about ralphi and and from time to time i got a call from like the guy that owns nashville club ralphi had some good people in his life he had like four or five great fucking people with comedy and with hollywood and all that shit you attract these fucking maggots and he had a bunch of those too but and i tried to talk to him and help him but he uh He loved that scene. I hope he's in heaven and he's having a good day today. And that's it.

That's all I want to talk about with Ralphie. I didn't want to make this a fucking depression fest, you know, but he had an amazing life. He was an amazing comic and very good to me, man. I still remember him, me being in Jersey, like in a hotel room. And him calling me up one day going, what are you doing? Nothing. He goes, I'm in Jersey with Lana.

I want to pick you up and go take you to eat in your hometown. and he fucking spent the day in Northburg. We went to Veneeris. We went to all these places. And he loved it. He loved the stories. He loved all that shit, you know, half of those jokes on the specials.

Those were us talking, the espresso joke, the Cuban espresso. Those, and people would call me up and go, Joey, aren't you going to say some to him? Those jokes sound like yours. You dumb motherfucker. We sat there for an hour trying to write him, me and him. Sure, they're going to sound like me.

He didn't steal my... People always calling me up. I think Ralphie doing one of your jokes. And if he is, who gives the fuck? Who gives the fuck? He's not doing one of my jokes. We used to go get food at night all the time, and I would torture him about the jalapeno poppers.

Dog, I don't know if that motherfucker could have lived without Jack in the Box holopeno poppice. He loved, he loved jalapeno poppers, but nothing like Jack in the Box. That motherfucker would go and buy three packs of those things, eat two in the car, and then show up with one. I purchased some jalapeno poppers. Ralphie, I could smell the poppers. from the street when you fucking parked. No, no, I didn't. I didn't eat any.

I swear, he would all wear. And then you go on the car and you saw the two empty fucking boxes. I miss him. And please, today, and any of your fucking journeys, just put him on on serious or whatever. You're going to laugh you.

He always has something. Like even now, five years later, I'll watch something from a stand-up, the one with the yellow jacket, bigger and blacker or something like that. He was talking some shit about two, weeks ago, one of the videos popped up on my screen. I was fucking howling.

I was howling. And it's like, it was the first time I had seen that joke. I said it the other day that when I started studying headliners for a year, the headliners that were the best that I saw that year were Greg Heraldo and a tight second was Ralphie Mae. It was a tight second. And he was starting to do something that had never seen before. Because he was a fucking smart dude in his own way.

but he was doing something towards the end. The last 20 minutes of his set, he was selling you merch without you knowing it. It was the most brilliant thing I ever saw in my life. How he sold merch. He would say, I'm getting out of here in a couple minutes, but I want you to know that I have some T-shirts and CDs. You don't have to buy them.

I'm not, I'm just letting you know I got them. They'll be in the back. And he would go into some other spiel and a blank check and a check that bounce. And next thing you know, you're just buying fucking merch. I mean, it was the most brilliant fucking thing that I saw. I got a bunch of calls this week.

I was laughing because, I mean, the big controversy this week, the big controversy. Guys, it's getting old, like all these self-made controversies in our country lately. Like, it's a controversy, and nobody went to see the gay movie. You know, did you hear about that? They made some gay movie and fucking Bang Brothers. or it's called something like that brothers. I don't know. I don't know what it's called.

I just been seeing different things about it, and I was laughing my ass off because enough people didn't go see. It only made $5 million. But they got pissed off because gay people didn't want to go see it. And straight people didn't want to fuck out. I don't know. Listen, it's not movie season right now. If you look at the fucking what these movies are making,

they're not making dick. There's not a lot of movies coming out lately. The next big release is fucking Black Panther, too. That's it. We don't have a lot of big shit So What the fuck was I talking about? I don't even know

About the controversy Was this Bang Brothers movie That's like a porn movie No no no It was a movie in the theater It's like I think so Or brothers

It don't fucking matter But I didn't know what was going on I just saw a couple things about it And then I went to the indoor Sawport practice last night There was some parents talking about And I was listening to them And then they mentioned the fucking keyword net

got me started. Judd Appletoe. That's a Judd Appettoe movie, okay? And listen, man, I like gay men. Like, I don't mind them. Like, when they talk to me, I fucking love them to death.

I love my friends that are gay. The three friends that I have. I called one the other day. He hasn't called me back yet, Ian. But, guys, that doesn't mean I'm going to go out and make a gay movie. You know what I'm saying? like as a director

or as a movie buff. You know why? I tell you why. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. Why would I make a movie about being gay? If I'm not gay.

Let's discuss that. I want to make a movie about something that I know, right? I mean, right, you're going to do a documentary. You want to do it. What do you like? I like chicken parmesan sandwich. It's okay.

We'll do the documentary on chicken parmesan sandwiches. Because that's what you fucking know. Guys, that's what you know. Okay? So if I'm going to look into a film, like, yeah, you take challenges in your career. There's a challenge.

Like, you're a comedy guy, but one day somebody calls you and says, well, you direct my mystery. And you go, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to watch. I'm not mystery, a horror show. Let me go look at all the fucking, you know. Different horror movies.

Yeah, different horror movies, different genres. Who's the really good guy? Like, they plays music. Rob zombie, all that, you know. That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to look at it. and when I take the director's job I'm going to call

one of my director friends that obviously specializes in that and ask him if he's not busy to stop by this set one or two days just to give me some pointers maybe he knows that's how I would do it but I would always ask for help okay

why would a straight guy take on okay movie now you guys are waiting for me to say Juddaput I don't know if he's gay. He's married. I like his wife. I think his wife is cute and the fuck. She's a great actress.

But why would somebody take a gay movie? I'll tell you why. Because they want the Hollywood people to come up to him and say, oh my God, you did that movie about gay people. You were so brilliant. Oh, my God, you're so strong. And they give you all those fucking pussy words. Your courage undermines every, you know,

and you're sitting there going, what courage? You got a half a million to shoot it. They paid him. He didn't do it for free. He didn't put the money up out of his pocket. So think about why a guy like me would go, you know what? I think my next comedy is going to be a gay comedy. And I'm going to do it on my mind.

You get people, but just to cut through the chase. The reason why he did it was that. So people could go, oh, my God, you're great. You did a fucking, you did a gay movie, the strength of a man. And people back tap them. guys like me see right through all that shit all this fake i give a fuck i see right through it i've been there i see right through it i know how to build it up and i know how to sell it you know but these guys they don't do anything without people saying something to them like oh my god you're so

strong you're so courageous and they're like i know get the fuck out of here you want to be courageous go to a gay bar go in that fucking tent let them fuck in the ass thing get back to me. Then go make a gay movie to see what the ins and outs are. But people didn't buy into it. Like who directed it? Who's the movie by? If it was written by a gay guy, yeah, like a real OG gay guy. Not these new, I'm gay just so I get invited to a fucking party gay guys. Because there's a lot of that shit going around. I know a lot of your motherfuckers watch Bill Maher. And you hear how he says that all this transgender shit is happening coming out of California. It's not really building. It's picking a momentum in some other

spots, but it's not really building. And it's the same thing with these gay movies. Like, I don't mind them. Again, when it comes on HBO, I'll watch it. You know me, I like to laugh. I don't give a fuck. But to think that this movie would bomb, what is wrong with people? What is wrong with you?

For actually thinking that movie was going to go over? You got to start small. You got to make like bathhouse movies, two guys meeting in a fucking jacuzzi or something, and then they go suck their dick with Dahmer and then started backhouses. Like, Make a movie.

I want to see a gay movie where, like cruising. Have you ever seen cruising without Pacino? No, nobody even knows that movie fucking exists. It came out in 1977. It's about an undercover cop that goes into the gay world to fucking see what the fuck's going on. You know what? That movie got pulled from the movie theaters.

Pulled. You can find it on YouTube or whatever. Read it on Wikipedia. It didn't do too good. Because that was the 70s. When you were gay in the 70s, you're hitting the fucking closet. That's what they called the expression.

It's coming out of the closet. In the 70s, gay people weren't jumping up and down like they are now. When they did gay pride parades, they have to have protection, people throwing rocks from fucking rooftops and shit. It's not funny. I'm just telling you what the facts were. But in 77 or 76, when cruising came out, it didn't go too fucking well. I have to watch it again.

It's a dark movie, and at the end of the day, it's no Academy Award winner. The thing that saved the movie, that Pacino was in it. But, you know, That's what kills me about that they take these fucking things. And then they get mad at you for not showing up. Like they, oh, well, nobody's showed. Well, you know, in today's world right now, what's going on? We have a war escalating over there.

We got like two wars escalating. Didn't the fucking Koreans just shoot a missile over Japan? We got a bunch of shit going on over there. That's kind of fucked up. To mention that, we got, you know, prices going up here. fucking COVID. We're still living in this fucking world that's all fucked up.

Airline prices are going up. Everything's going up. But now you want to force this transgender conversation and gay-down. And I appreciate it. I love that we're experiencing different things.

But it's not as big as what we're experiencing. Do you know what I'm saying? Like what we're experiencing as a world right now, as a country, is a lot fucking more important. And I've said this on stage.

It's more important than me worrying about your fucking pronoun. It's a lot more important than it really is. So for you guys to make it an 80% news story, it's not worthy of that. And we shouldn't be talking. Why should people not going to see a gay movie

be on the cover of fucking Yahoo to make you feel like I was supposed to feel bad because I didn't go see it or whatever the fuck? But he fucking, let me tell you something. In the real world, like I get along. You guys know you've been watching podcasts. cast for years. I got along with a lot of comedians. And I like a lot of comedians.

I'm fans of a lot of comedians. You know, with Judd, I met Judd on the set of the longest yard. I met Judd. I knew who Judd was. Jud was a stand-up fucking comic. He was on a young comedian special, not a Rodney one, but a regular one. With Nick DePaolo. When I first started comedy in 91,

Judd was, you know, he was the strongest Felicia. Like Felicia was kind of big. The guy from Boston was big. You know, they were kind of big, and then one day he disappeared, Appleto. I had no idea what the fuck he was doing, nor did I care. You know, you're out there.

And one day he just showed up on the set of the longest yard. He was good friends with Adam Sandler, and David Spade, and he showed up one day. They all showed up, and they were talking. And it was really weird. Like, the third time I saw Apoto, I said hello to him. Like, hey, John, how you doing? You want to be a nice guy.

And he was kind of weird to me. Like, hey, you know, whatever. And I didn't give a fuck. I'm smoking dope hanging out with Michael Irvin. Whatever, give a fuck about Judd Apple Doe for. And the next day we're on the set, Bert Reynolds is there with the fucking, with Dom Deloese.

They're making spaghetti sauces shit. And we're having a great time. And also, they go, Joe, you got to go to your scene. And when I was doing my scene, I don't know if, guys, I appreciate people coming over and trying to help me. But there's sometimes when people come over and they try to help you that it comes across wrong

and I'm sitting there about to do a scene with Nelly or something oh we're gonna do a locker room scene and I had the thong on we were walking to go over there and Jet Appleto

just comes up to me and goes that scene could have been a little better what they were laughing I was laughing it was what Adam told me to say whatever the fuck

we're talking about he's like I felt that scene could have been better I felt like he was cutting me down like like Adam fucking told me to do what I was doing in that scene

what did I do wrong like out of nowhere like he was hanging out with Adam you know but he was yeah he was starting to be a director I guess and he said that to me and I looked at him for a man

and I'm like yeah and I'm like what the fuck are you talking about you know here my confidence is up do you know what I'm saying like listen to walk on that set was scary enough to walk on that set with Tracy Morgan and Adam and Chris for the fuck

for a guy that never went to Montreal and shit was scary enough. Once I picked up my momentum, that got scary. I let these motherfuckers know Uncle Joey wasn't fucking around. And the day they decided that was the day I threw myself on my back and I'm yelling, you know, get me a Diet Coke and all that shit. That's the day they were like, that's it. Just keep him here. Just fucking keep them here. That gave me a boost of fucking confidence.

Like, you know, guys, I'm the low man on the totem pole in this movie. Let's be honest. Nick Tatura was an M.WAPD Blue. Me and Lobo were probably the lowest fucking two guys on that thing. So for them to sign me and keep me there and do all this shit, guys, I didn't get an ego, but it felt good that here I am with my peers, and I'm doing my job well, considering I never went to a training academy or I never hung out with, you know, Christian Bale and all that shit.

You know, it wasn't bad, you know. and this guy comes up to me and I like he went away and we did the fucking like even that scene when I went into the locker room I went into the locker room

it was just a regular scene and I'm sitting there and I'm thinking about how I could be better and like for young actors or comics or whatever when you go into a scene it's great on paper

it's great but I like to look at it from time to time and see how it could be better this is why his statement and fucked me up because I was like, I'm the type of guy

that I'll look at a scene and I'll go into a scene when they're blocking. Blocking is when you go into a scene before you shoot the scene. You're not even in wardrobe yet. You just go in there and they tell you

where all the cameras are going to be where your position's going to be where he's walking in and they run a couple of them. It doesn't matter about the lines or anything. They just run them to see how they can.

All right, move that camera. camera little, go to a size 16 lens, blah, blah, blah. That's what they do. Yeah, the lighting, all that shit. That's what they do in that scene. For some people, some people go in there and they just block and they're looking around, they're cracking

jokes, not me. When I go on those scenes, I'm looking at everything. I'm looking at what I could feed off. What the fuck can I feed off? All this shit is fed material. You know, when I was watching Honeymooners' a day on night, Norton walks in with Ralph, they get

past something. Norton looks back and it's a statue of Venus de Milo with no head and Norton goes boom and he goes, Ralph he must have had a rotten barber right? That shit.

That's not in the script. That is not in the script. How do I know? Because the script writer does not sit down and make a fucking joke about something on the wall. Norton on the way in Art Carney came in and he goes,

Ralph, that's what I'm trying to talk about. When you do that blocking, you're looking for things to feed off. They're not just standing there. What if I just pick this up and hit myself on the head? Anything. Anything to make the scene better. So I'm sitting there and I'm analyzing this fucking scene. And I'm like, you know who makes this seem better if I was fucking naked?

Like no shirt on, no shorts, just like Serrano Major League. That's what would make this fucking scene better. Nobody, that was not in the fucking script, guys. That was Uncle Joey fresh out of the fucking comedy store, creativity thinking, mixing it with other movies I've seen. I went up to Adam, he was talking to two little white dudes and suits from Paramount. And I go, Adam, I want to wear a thong for this one. He's like, what?

I want to wear a thong for this shot. And he just looked at me. And he had like a smile on his face, like a devilish, like, damn Diaz, you're a team player. I'm like, I want to wear a thong. And right away, one of the white dudes comes up. and he's like, he can't wear a thong. We're having enough problems with rating,

all this shit. Joey's too big. It won't look good. Adam's like, okay. Get this man a fucking jock strap. Get him a jock strap. And I fucking strip naked to add to the scene in the locker room in front of all those motherfucking yokesters.

All the motherfucking yokesters looked at me while I was changing. They saw the Cuban egg roll. I put my tongue and I go, what? And I sat there and guys, This is what I'm saying. You got to work the scene. But back to Judd Apato.

So that scene is getting all these laughs. We're having a great time in there. Michael Irvin's throwing his shirt at fucking Bosworth and all this stuff. And then we're headed to a Nelly. Nelly released his two albums that day on 2004. It was like October, September 2004. Nelly released something and something else. and we were all going to the party.

And as we're walking out, Judd came over to me again. Now, you didn't say nothing to him the first time, right? No, I don't, I wanted, I already had enough problems. They knew I was doing blow on the set that night, and they had sent me to talk to a doctor, so I didn't want to really, you know. Now, the second time he comes up to me

as I'm walking out of that scene, which I thought, guys, I thought I did a good job on that scene, he came over again and said something you wish you wore a shirt but by that time I was talking to Nellie and the other guys I was like fuck this guy what the fuck you know

then all of a sudden I don't see him again he comes out for the 40 year old virgin and then he's doing all these fucking movies right so I go back down to the store in 2016 2014 something like that and I'm you know I'm rekindling myself because I haven't been at the store in fucking years

I'm just re-killing myself with all these comics and, you know, Bill Burr, I got attached to again, and Dean Delray and Mark Marin, and, you know, Whitney Cummings and Eliza. I was just getting in the groove, and it was great. And I started hearing that he would come in, whatever his name is, Jud Appletoe, would come in, and he would always just go, I want to go up next. You know, now, what people don't know about the story is for years, that's what the store was based on. People coming in and going, who's up next?

Mike is, no, he's not. I'm going up. I'm pulling rank on Mike. Mike's a regular comic. I'm on a TV show. You know, I'm a director. I pull rank on Mike, which I never liked. And all my guys, I don't pop into a lot of comedy clubs today

because you have to respect the headliner. Okay, at least I do. It's like when I went to see Chazdi on night, on Saturday night, people come up to me, can we take a picture? No. he's the headliner I'm not here to take that is the most pathetic thing

in the world you know I'm not here to take his fucking steam I'm gonna sit in the back of mind my fucking business so yeah he's coming in uh

Leslie's coming in Leslie Jones who makes me laugh is coming in a lot of them are coming in and it doesn't bother me I remember early on one night I was about to go up

and Louis C.K. Bought me and I just got my car and went home they were pissed at me these motherfuckers don't know I just go home right so I just I don't have time for it no more

I'm too old to put up with him you want to if you want to put it up Lewis instead of me you made your choice I'll go home I'm okay with it I don't need you know so I went home that one time that was it and then

yeah I just went up I don't play games like that I just go home I take my reef and I go home and I don't have nothing against Lewis C. K. Anything. But he could have waited to go out after me.

So I was like, I'm leaving. And the promoter for him not to do that, knowing my situation, is also a scumbag. So I just left. So, like 2020, when the pandemic, 2020, 2019, guys, like I've said this,

and I've never spoken like this before, six months before the pandemic. From the pandemic, when the pandemic came down, March, 16th to go six months back. That was the best I ever was as a stand-up comedian.

I mean, that's how I felt. When I go on stage now, I don't feel what I felt those six months before the pandemic. I was at my peak as a comic, like not as a peak, but you're there. You're in that groove. When you do stand-up

for two, three years continuously with no breaks, you start getting in a groove. I had already always been in the groove at the comedy store. You don't want to, fuck with me at the comedy store because the comedy store is where I went in there in 1997 and I hosted in there every week and I worked in that original room and the main room in my first stint I didn't have the main room down I could tell you that I wasn't that experience and I wasn't good

enough I don't know I don't know what it was the 450 seats but the original room I knew how to chop it down like I just said before about when you uh When you shoot a movie and you block When you block you get to see the different things At the room or the stage has to offer you In the comedy store since listen to some clubs That I'm just always money at The original room, the ice house back room

Brea the old Brea I could burp and make you fucking laugh And the old brayer because I knew the walls I knew the pictures I knew every nook and cranny The ice house the regular room is the easiest room in the country for last when you throw something out the feeling you get back at you is fucking tremendous i love these rooms but i'm not good in those rooms because i'm good in those rooms i'm good in those rooms because i fucking grew up in those goddamn rooms so the original room at the comedy store is my number one home i could turn my back to the audience in there and kill

looking at the fucking curtains okay just guys trust me on this one i would not like that you know to you guys. I'm not a big ego type of dude, but I know these things. These are just, it's just easy. The way Rogan's good up there, forget about how Delia had that fucking original room going, Ali Wong. The original room is perfect for comedy. So, Joey, get to the fucking story. You ready. So I'm about to go up at the store and they come up to me and they go, hey man, Jed Apatow is here and he wants to bump you. and I go, that's not going to happen. And those two managers just looked at me and go, what?

And I go, that's not going to happen. If he wants to go up, he'd go up behind me. And that's just fair. Because the comedy store had a pop-in rule that you could pop in if you were that good of a comic or credits or, you know, you were on a TV show that was very popular. After Tommy got fired and my man took it over, they had a rule.

They don't care if you come in, but just call us. Just call us and give us the respect. Just call and go, hey, I'm coming in. I'll be there around 10.30. If I go up at 1145, 10.45, it would be great. The comedy store works with you. But for you just to walk in and go, I'm going up next, they were all like in shock.

Like, hold on, who's up next? Joey Diaz, let's go ask him. And I go, now. No, he's not bumping me. He's a director. I'm a comedian. Big fucking difference. Big fucking difference.

I'm going up. So they went and tell him he's not too happy, but he won't say nothing to me. So as I walk to the stage, I give him a look, like, what the fuck do you think, guy? You know what I'm saying? And he gives me like this swarmy look, like, you know, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, you know.

Okay, motherfucker. I was so mad about him wanting to bump me, whatever. Listen, the best, if you ever want to see me kill the room, piss me off two minutes before I go to room. before I go on stage. How do you piss me off by talking about dumb shit or your matching phones or, you know,

your new app on your computer? Like, I'm about to go up in front of 300 people and you stupid motherfuckers back here talking about some... And that's how I get. I go off and right from there, you stupid motherfuckers are talking about fucking cell phones back here. They're like, Joe, you up next. And I'm like, fuck you cuckuckers.

Right there, that's where you don't want me. That's as a fan, that's where you want. want me. But as a comic who's going to go up after me, you don't want me trickling up those steps talking about you. And I'm going to get over mad on purpose. I'm going to get overly mad at you

so I can fucking take that anger. Like this, you having a matching cell phone with somebody and like showing each other the data? Like, look, does your phone have the like, it gets me mad but not mad enough to throw you out of window? I get that mad

because I know I want to go up stage like they just lit the little match and I'm just blowing oxygen on it but I gotta over fucking get mad so when I go up on that stage it's lights out motherfucker and on that particular night it was lights out from the first minute

it was one of those nights I had to follow Ali Wong I was already paranoid fucking Ali's throwing heat I gotta go up there and I went up there and even at like the six minute mark I was out of breath like I'm like what the fuck's going on

because I was so anxious so far I had four fucking double cups of espresso in me. In other words, I was ready to stab a motherfucker. And I went up there dog and I picked that room apart piece by piece. I get fucking emotional thinking about it.

Peace by piece. I just took that room apart and at one time I looked at the back and I just saw Judd like fucking his mouth was open and we made eye contact on the stage and he looked like a fucking hurricane was coming his way. Hurricane Ida.

And all of a sudden, I fucking got off. I brought him up. I know this guy from Young Comedian. You know him as a director. I wanted to say, fuck this punk, but I controlled myself. And come up to the stage, Jay Apato. And as I walked off the stage,

I just gave him like a look like, what were you thinking, guy? And I walked to get a drink at the bar, like a water. And when I get to the bar, I'm not there three minutes and they're like, Joey, you got to go see this.

The managers are like Joey, you gotta go see this. Then comics, and I'm like, I don't want to see this fucking shit. And then comics go like, Joey, you gotta see this. So I ran to the original room. I walked at them, I'm like, what? Judapato was on stage, he had his notes out, and he was sweating profusiously. He had never experienced the wrath of the fucking King of Swing.

As Joe Rogan likes him. put it. He had never experienced that. And it was one of those nights where listen, Jesus would have said, no, no, no, I'm not going up after Joe. He put some mook up there so he could, oh my God, it was not good. And I waited there,

till he walked off the stage and walked down those stairs. And I just gave him a look like, you dumb motherfucker. And that was the end. If you check out Judd Apatel, he does not do sets at the comedy store no more. He goes to a club called Largo. It's a very, you know, alternative crowd.

Ah, ah, ah. He did that special. That special was null and void after he followed me. If you were there that night, you were like, I'm not watching that fucking special. It was not good. But I don't feel great about this, guys. It's a funny story.

And it's just, you know, the ego shit of L.A. That I fucking hated. And that's the only way I knew how to fight. Listen, guys, whenever somebody pulled ego on me or whatever as a kid I knew two ways how to fight back. Rob them or make them follow me and fucking destroy them on stage. That's the only weapons I have.

That's the only weapons I have. When you would get cute with me when I was a kid, I'd make a mental note and the first time I had an opportunity to rob your fucking house and take your pound of coke. I took it. I did not give a fuck. That's how I played. If you're going to play that way, I'm going to play this way. And that's, and listen,

I'm not. But I'm telling you guys, if you're a young comic watching this, this is not for you. I want you to be part of a show. I never want you to go out of your way to blow somebody off the stage. But as your fucking comedic advisor, if a headliner gives you a hard time, your goal is to do everything you fucking can to rock his fucking world. When you walk into a room and the headliner comes into you and he's been an extra and he's like telling you like,

oh, when you go up there, mention my name this way and do this and this and this, and don't curse, and don't say the word pussy, and you're like, okay. First off, the word pussy's the first fucking word I'm going to say. Because I don't know you,

I don't know some guy named fucking Joe Gags. Get the fuck out. I don't know you. Who the fuck are you to tell me that to say fucking, you know, it's that shit. So all those people, I used to take them apart.

I remember doing rascals one time when I was, I remember one, time I did Rascals with Vic D. And it was a great week. We had met earlier, but we had a great time. But one time I did stand up. The week I shot analyzed that, I had to work with Rocky LaPorte out of Chicago.

I always liked Rocky, but for some reason on that week, he was all over me like a cheap suit. I killed the first show on Thursday, and he took me in the back. You know, I'll have to improvise no more. Whoa, you told me not to do dirty material. Now I can't improvise no more. And then I went back to the dirty. You can't do a dirty material.

Finally, I got him on a fucking Friday. And I go, listen, I'm doing what the fuck I want. The hairdo, the guy me and Vic were talking about, I brought him in, I go tell him, when you book a headlining gig, if I come out of here and blow sparklers out of my asshole for 45 minutes, you've got to figure out a way to follow me. If not, don't take the headlining gig.

Don't take it. And we settled that. He got mad at me. I don't think he'll ever talk to me again, but K-serrah Sara, bitches, you know what I'm saying? It's Thursday, you bad motherfuckers. I watched, uh,

my brother George sent me a video of the other day and I saw it on Twitter some girl retweeted of Tom Sagar and Rogan talking about me the other day about but my brother was like, that's a fucking hilarious story that you don't work Sundays.

And I'm like, listen, guys, I had to sell it to those guys Those guys would not take my fucking words for years I'm an old school guy I work seven days a week I don't give a fuck about nothing But have you ever done stand up on a Sunday night It's not good

It's not good It's good if they call me from Uncle Vinnie's Or the stress factory and say Joey Can you fill in a Sunday night I'll be more than happy to go over that I'll be more than happy to go over there and do 45 minutes just to bail them out. But if you tell me you want me to come to your town and work a Sunday, that's not happening. That's never going to happen.

I started comedy in 1991. And by 93, I worked every fucking Sunday. I know where I worked on Sundays. It was brutal. The comedy show followed a line dancing show. Okay? So they would go from achy, breaking heart. to welcome to comedy night on a fucking Sunday in some bum-fuck redneck town in Colorado.

I did it every Sunday. When you get into comedy, they call you and they tell you Thursday, you know, Tuesday through Sunday, and you take them and you take them. So from 91 to 97, I think, I was all in. You know, by 97, 98, I was going on the road. I was going on the road three times a month, you know. By 2000, I was. on the road either with Rogan or on my own and i'll never forget one i think it was like 99 i hadn't met

terry yet and i was at the dallas improv adison improv great great fucking club i like that town i've always liked that town but on this particular sunday i fucking woke up you know you get up on a sunday you're a little hungover from that time i was still hungover you know you get a You smoke a few cigarettes, you drink a cup of coffee. Maybe you eat some breakfast at that time. They didn't have a fucking breakfast in the hotel lobby. They had like a Danish or something like that, but it wasn't, you know. And you either go to the gym, you eat lunch, and then you wait until fucking 8 o'clock to do your show.

That's Sundays, guys. You wait all day to do a show on fucking Sunday. Yeah, you watch football. It's not bad. I used to go to Chuck and Jive, a little seafood. food, gumbo bar, and watched the game. Some guy gave me Dallas tickets once. But it was on this particular Sunday that I went back to the hotel, got shower,

went to do the show, and I'm like, what the fuck? I walk in there and 60 fucking people. Let me tell you something. If you live in Dallas and you go to a comedy show on Sunday, especially in the wintertime, I don't want to perform for you people. Like it got to the point where I didn't. didn't want to perform for them because they were goofy who goes on the Sunday night to see comedy we were here all fucking weekend you could have came but tonight tonight is when you want to come

see comedy and there was 60 or 50 fucking people I don't ever forget when that guy gave me the check tray blue great guy gave me the check that Sunday I go he goes I want to book you again for 90 day because when you're a feature you could go to a club back and forth and I said yeah and I said to him I'm not working Sunday though and he was like but what am I going to do it you guys I don't work Sunday. So a lot of clubs, when I made up my mind that I wasn't working Sundays, a lot of clubs wouldn't hire me. And I didn't give a fuck.

And then I started pulling the Louis Lamour. I said, fuck it out. Fuck with them. After I got like Mad TV and maybe like analyze that, I started using my head. I started going. Yeah, I'll work Wednesday through Sunday. Absolutely. And when the week came, I would call him Tuesday and go, hey man, I'm flying in tomorrow, but I can't.

I already had them over a barrel. I already had them over a barrel. They're not going to say, don't come. I would say I can't wear. I got to leave Sunday if you get a replacement. Okay, I get it. You're doing a movie. I did that.

I pulled that fucking line for years. And then Joe would do Sundays. For some reason, Joe would go to Florida and do Friday, Saturday, Sunday. and I would get furious. I would fucking yell at them before the trip while we were coming home, because you have to come home on Monday. Monday sucks dick to fly.

And these motherfuckers are flying out at one. So you're not getting back home until five in the afternoon. That's your whole day. I don't have time for that shit. Even when I was 38, I didn't have time for that shit. So I decided I'm not doing fucking Sundays no more. And I told Joe, and I told everybody, right? And they thought I was fucking with them.

Do you know how many times I left Joe in the city and left on a Sunday? And he wouldn't talk to me for two or three weeks. I would just leave on a Sunday morning. Joey, where are you? I had to leave, brother. I told you, I don't work Sundays. They could not believe it. They could not believe it.

I still remember being on a plane with Joe and him fucking, like, yelling at me. Like, Joey, what the fuck? I'm going, listen. Because he got married way before I did. Like, he was with her. way before I, you know, like he was starting to make things happen. I was still dating Terry and he was like already like moving her in. So I told him one day, I go one day you're going to have fucking kids and you're not going to work Sunday.

And he thought about it within like a year. He knew he wasn't going to get me to work Sundays. They all knew. And I still remember sitting Tom Segura down and going, listen, you motherfucker, if you work a Sunday, I'm going to fucking stab you. You, Bert, all of you. Do not work Sundays because then that's going to open up the fucking floodgates. for us. And they'd be like, I don't mind working Sunday. No, you're not going to work fucking Sundays. All of them. I yelled at all of them until they all quit Sundays, and that was the end of it.

I would do Sundays at the store if I had to, like if Mello had a show or something. And guys, just so you know, I was doing this as a feature act. This was way before the longest yard. This was way before the podcast. This is 10, 15 years before the podcast. I just decided one day, I'm not doing it. I don't give a fuck. I'd rather not work than have to work a Sunday. It's the Lord's Day, Cogsucker. And on the Lord's Day, God created Black Sabbath. So take that to the motherfucking bank.

I love you, motherfucker. Stay black, say a prayer from Ralphie. And listen, I do the podcast, I'm sick of talking now. That's it. Some of them will be two hours. I might do a 30-minute podcast next week, but no. We'll be back to normal next week.

Sorry about this week with the fucking pilot and shooting. Next week I shoot Thursday. So I want to fact you guys. Hopefully I'll see you cocksucker Saturday night in the city. Lee's coming down. I got Kim Condom and I got my girl Sarah Wayne Check. Stay black. Have a great weekend and I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning.

Tip Top McGoo and now for a word from my motherfucking sponsors. All right. I want to thank you guys for putting up with my shit today. The joint is brought to you by Manscape. Listen, fall is here and that bush is getting bigger. It's time to shave that thing. Make that pogo stick look like a fucking, like a flagpole. Listen, Manscape is tremendous.

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