The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #203 - Joey Diaz, Dennis Hof, Ava and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 12, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by Dennis Hof, the owner of the Cathouse from HBO and Girlfriend Ava in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a discount Music:  Led Zeppelin - Whole Lotta Love Tony Bennett - I Wanna Be Around R.E.M. -Man On The Moon Recorded on 08/11/2014.

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They'll send it right to your house. 20% off your Jewish cocksucker. Talking percentages, you know what I'm saying? Talking percentages? That's right. Well, is that 20% off? Yeah. Okay.

20% off. The Cuban Jew is teaching the flying Jew. That's right. Let's do this. You're a Cuban Jew? Just a Cuban with Jewish fucking incentives. I'm a Cuban with a Jew cup, as they used to say in the old days. Oh, I love it.

Oh, shit. Monday. August 11th, the day the devil was buried in sea and fucked in the ass and molested. Let's flip the cards on that cock sucker. It's a beautiful day to be alive. We're coming at you late. We ain't fucking around tonight. We have a legend in the house.

Lee Syatt's here. And Led Zeppelin's here. What? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Eat that fucking monkey. We're getting down tonight, motherfuppets.

Take your slippers off. Out of those balls. It's going to be a good one. Oh shit. On Lancash. What? Smoke it, toke it, lick it, flick it, bite it. Do what you need to do, motherfuckers.

We're here, the church of what's happening now. Lee, cut that motherfucker. What's going on? You savages out there. We usually go at 6 a.m., but fuck that. We're coming at you later on. We've got a tremendous show for you tonight. I hope you guys are doing well at home leave.

What the fuck? What you've been? You don't call, you don't write. You lost 30 pounds. You're at 24-hour fitness, 22 hours a day. Look at you. I don't even recognize you no more. That's probably because of the Green Hornet.

That's right. You're nice and high. You look slim, time. Give me a crab. Give it to me. Look at you. You've fucking got muscles. You're a savage and shit.

You got my main man in the house. Dennis Hoff. Legendary. Legendary. Invented shit. And this beautiful girlfriend, Eva. How are you today? My love of my life.

I'm doing great. How are you? You know, we're glad to be here. I'm so fucking ecstatic. You disappointed the bunny ranch so bad. The hookers wanted to do you. When you were in Reno, they wanted you to come out. and party with you.

You'd have had girls crawling all over you. It's true. Look at the shit. I come in a minute and a half. There's 20 hookers. I don't want to call them hookers. That beautiful women. Well, you know, internally they call each other hookers.

It's kind of a term of endearment. But working girls is the correct term. But the working girls wanted to do you. And I wanted to do that. They're fans. I want to do that. And they get it. And I wanted to eat some ass.

You know me, I'll suck your pussy with a straw. I don't give a fuck, Jack. I don't give a fuck. That's my world. I like eating that ass and that monkey and spanking you and coming on your neck. I like all that freaky shit. Oh, yeah, I love it.

I love it. I love 69 and 82 and I'll hang you upside down and suck your uterus out. You know what I'm a freak, Jack. I'm a Cuban, Ava. We don't fuck around. We eat that monkey. There's part of the island that they believe in the albuas,

they're gangsters, and they don't eat pussy. Can you imagine that? Idiots. They're idiots. They don't eat pussy because they feel that if you suck a pussy, you'll suck anything. So these guys, There's a little group of guys in Cuba.

They call themselves Albaquoas. I did not know that. And they can't be in a room with a gay man. They're such men. It's a longshoreman type organization. They don't know what they're missing. They don't. They don't know what the fuck they're missing.

I mean, Ava can eat a pussy like unbelievable. I'm a pro-annibal. This is what we need to get tonight. Lee. Look at Lee. He's sweating profusiously. You know what? You tell me Lee's working hard at the 24-hour fitness.

I think we need to get him working out at the Bunny Ranch. We've got to get them up there. We have a trainer up there. We'll get those girls. A trainer? We got a trainer. But here's what I'm thinking.

If we get like three or four girls, hoties like Ava, and you can go to Bunny Ranch.com and check out Ava. She just shot for Penthouse. She's going to be in Penn House. But if we had three or four girls and we just kind of led them, got them in tennis shoes,

and Joey had to chase them and said, you're going to get some pussy in about a mile. Can you imagine this guy how fast he'd run? Oh, I can fucking run. Yeah. The Bunny Ranch 5K. Well, Lee. Listen, for a fucking piece of pussy,

Lee likes a little chick with a little meat to it. Now, did you ever live in Cuba? Yes, until I was three. I love Cuba. You've been there. I've been there many, many times. I used to go there a lot. I love it.

And I remember the first time I went in there. I went to Cancun and took an old Russian beater, a Cuban airline plane plane over there. And when I got there, the immigration looked at me and my buddy, I was with a thug, crazy Glenn, a tough guy. And they took us in this room, and we didn't speak Spanish, just a few words, right? And they wanted to know why we were there,

and we just said, we don't believe our country. We want to see it for ourselves. And so they finally had a huddle. They led us in, and they went to stamp our passport. I'm like, no, no, because at that time you go to jail. So they put a piece of paper in it, and then they took the piece of paper and stamped the paper, and then you had that with you.

But the communist dudes, they were following us everywhere. We're downtown. We're doing it. Every time we're with a girl, they'd call them off and say, what are these guys up to? And they were on it. And it was so interesting. And you talk about girls that like the fuck.

These Cuban girls like to fuck. They like to get down. The big thing about Cuba is these junkets. When I lived in Boulder, there was these men that came through. And they're like, and you teach a certain Cuban words, were going to Cuba for food. And then I found out that it's these guys. they were millionaires.

This is the beginning of the Viagra age. And they would get together and go down and just bang 16 year olds and they love it. And a couple of them left their wives and brought the fucking chicks back. Yeah, yeah. One guy left his wife. Fuck it. Take the kids to house. The snowmobile,

it's over, bitch. I'll tell you. Give me that Cuban person. Yeah, give me that Cuban monkey. I, you know, I would recommend that everybody go to Cuba. And I think they should see it because it's really the only chance you're ever going to see communism in action and see how fucked up it really is, because nobody's ever going to North Korea except my buddy Dennis Rodman.

And so I think everybody should go to Cuba just to see how it is and also to see the transition because when the Castro moves out of the place and it changes and becomes what it can be, it's going to be the, I think the rest of the islands and the Caribbean suck compared to Cuba. Well, listen, Fidel did a lot of bad things, but he also did a good thing. He kept that beach virgin. You can't put boats in that beach. beach supposedly. One end of the island, I forget. That's why the water is so crystal

clear. A lot of people don't remember at home. You'll remember Jacusto. Dirty years ago, went to Cuba, and it was beautiful. Jaku Sto did a special about it, the water, what they have left for algae and the natural plants that we've destroyed here because of the oil and shit and the gasoline

and the water. It's amazing. I mean, look at why Castro's doing it, though, because he's afraid if you put a boat on, they're all going to get on the boat, get the fuck out of there. Fuck yeah. I'd go. I'd go the girls take, and when they want to go to the beach in Havana, they go to Guanabo.

Okay. And it costs like seven cents on the bus. And you go to the beach there, and there'd be like three or four guys and like four or five hundred hot girls, you know. And it was a phenomenal. I love Cuba. I think Cuba's great. Love the food. And there's a place down in La Siena.

I'd love to go to that Cuban place. Versa. Yeah. Versa. They got some good. Best chicken. How many times we've been in either hell? Had that chicken.

The garlic chicken. How's Newark? You know some real fucking Cuban food. They got some good Cuban food in that area here. Here were. Now, how many brothels do you have? Here's what happened. I started partying there in 76.

Where? At the bunny ranch. Okay. Called the Moonlight Ranch. Now, I moved to Reno. I was in the gas station business. I had a bunch of gas station. So I met a girl, started dating her,

and she finally told me the truth. She was a hooker at the Moonlight Ranch. So she said, I want you to see it. And so I went out there. and saw it. And I said, well, this is kind of cool. It's kind of normal. And it's legal. And so I was trying to be open-minded about it. And like the second time I went out there, here comes this guy, Andy Kaufman, and his partner, Bob Zamuda, the founder of Comic Relief, who's having a very sad day because Robin Williams killed himself today. And so I met them,

and Andy, they lined up the girls, 28 girls. And Andy couldn't pick a girl. And Bob's like, pick one, come on, fucking pick one. I'm watching this. He says, no, he says, I can't hurt anybody's feelings. I will pick a girl, and I will party with her. In fact, I want to pick two girls, and I want them to wrestle each other, and then whoever wins I'll have sex with,

but I will party with all of you in the next week, and I'm playing at Harris at the lake. And so I met Kaufman, and we became friends in Bob, and I started hanging there a lot, And about 78, Kaufman says, you know what? Because prostitution worldwide is get in, get up, get off, get the fuck out of here. That's just how it is. Coffman said, let's buy this place, turn it into our den, and treat everybody like you and I are treated.

Me because I was a boyfriend, Coffman, because he was a giant celebrity. I mean, the time, Saturday Night Live, it was everything. And taxi, it was huge. It was much bigger than a sitcom comic nowadays because there wasn't many of them. them. And so I said, wow. So we started putting our notes together, our ideas together, and I tried to buy it, couldn't get it done. Kaufman died in 84, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, vegetarian, died to cancer. And I kept working and got it in 92, bought it, and I just took the playbook that we came up with and turned it into the most famous place in the world. And by using all the things

that me and Kaufman put together. So this is the difference between every other brothel you would go in your broth. This ain't your daddy's old cat house. This is fun. And I say, all your listeners can't look because Ava Adora is unbelievably beautiful. Oh, they're watching.

They got cameras. Oh, they're watching? Okay, great. Hey, how you doing? Can she show her tits? Absolutely, whatever she wants to do. I want to see some titty. Now, look at these things, Joey.

Look at these. Tremendous. Large, large Portuguese movies. That's tremendous. They're real. See the move? They're real. Look at those things.

We might not be able to put this on you. Now, how long do people stay up there for? Well, girls come in and stay a few weeks or a few months. I mean, some of them for years. Like she came up there. She went to Boston University and graduated, and she wants to be a doctor. Got a whole bunch of school loans, right? Yeah, I have a lot of school loans, a lot of degrees, you know.

But I thought that before I take the next step and go on to, you know, go to residency and go to practice, I should save some more money up. So that's why I'm here. And having fun. Yeah, exactly. Now, how long do guys usually stay up there for? Well, I mean, it can be as short as 10 minutes. It can be as long as six months, you know?

Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. We had a guy come in at Christmas a couple years ago and start partying. And I told the girls, I said, you know what? Because I'm always there because I feel like the girls that are working are there on Christmas, need a family, and we are their family. And so I need to be there. So it's a time I should be traveling, but I never do.

and this guy came in and he's 65 but he was like 100. 65 is not old in this day and age, but he was like a hundred. And so he sat there and talked to us for a while and I said, you're going to stay and have dinner with us. He said, okay, I'll do it. He went to the bathroom. I told the girl, I said, you get this, we're going to make sure this guy is the best Christmas he's ever had, right?

And because there's a karma that goes with us, and our whole next year will be lucky. The guy started partying and spent $2,400,000. He was there a couple months, and he was generous, giving girls 10,000 a day, and this and that. And you don't have to do that. I mean, you could spend a few hundred or a few thousand, depending on what you want to do there, who you want to do it with, what you want to drink, and how long you want to be there. And the girls work with the guy's budgets.

And this guy dropped $2.4 million. And so. Two months? Yeah. Two months. Well, you start giving two, three, four, five girls, five to $10,000 a day. It adds up quick. And he wanted a bunch of girls with him at all times, you know.

In fact, he called his mom. Now, his mom had to be 85 or 90, and over his speakerphone, and his mom says, honey, are you going to spend all your money there? And all the girls are listening? He says, probably, you know, just having a good time. That's all it is. Oh, yeah. That's what it's about.

People can be themselves, no matter what you, whatever you want to do, if all you want to do is just raise the bar from your relationship with your wife because it can get a little bit boring after a while as we all know we've all been there not to say that it's the girl's fault it's the guy's fault too but it gets a little boring our guy wants to try some variety he wants to try a different position every man's every man's a fantasy is a threesome having two hot chicks not one thing better than one eva is two avas and and uh and guys come in and they can be what they want want, Kathy. It's so true. Yeah, and I mean, and it's just the fact that, you know, we keep your secrets.

We can, you know, we'll know things about our clients and people who come in that nobody else in their life knows about it. Let me give you an example. Let me give an example. We keep the secret. So like if Lee came in, okay? And Lee wanted us to pull out the pony cart, because we have a pony cart that we could put him on with some tennis shoes naked, and we could strap him to the rails, and then he could pull Ava around the parking lot. But actually, what we probably, Ava's got a two-foot-long horsehair butt plug, and she could put that. So he could just whinny around the parking lot, hauling Ava and her pretty ass around there. And you'd pay me doing it.

And we wouldn't tell anybody. See, that's the beauty of it. Privacy and discretion. Nobody would know that Lee has a horsey fetish. Never. Now, how do you find out your fetish? Like, how the fuck do you find that? I like eating pussy.

I'll pull your hair. You know, I'll eat your ass. Call you some names. Not even. I don't know. I feel fucking bad. I don't know. I've always had that Catholic guilt.

When I did blow and shit. When I did blow and drink, I was a nasty freak. I'd take my dick out and jerk off on your neck or on your feet. Shit like that, but I never really got crazy like somebody dressing up and whipping me. I don't understand that. Well, and different strokes for different folks. Like, I'm the same way. When I'm with a girl, you know, I want her to have many orchards.

orgasms because I want to feel like a hero. Okay. I want to eat pussy. I want to fuck. I want to try a few different positions. I'd rather have the girl on top, cowgirl, or maybe reverse cowgirl. You know, I can slap her butt a little bit and what's doing that. And I'm a pretty simple guy.

But every day somebody comes in there. We had a guy just recently, and Ava saw this guy. She was a part of this. The guy comes in and rings the bell. And I looked at the monitor, and he looked like my PE coach. like a six one buff tough guy right blonde flat top and he comes in but he's wearing a nun's outfit smoking a cigarette and I like yeah this is gonna be a good day and so he comes in and the girls line up and and they said pick a girl and he says oh no no

no I want to be a girl and Ava is so smart she says to him good I handle the applications come with me so she takes them to the office and says if we need an application she wants to go to work for us and it's a $300 application fee and so then she fills out the application and takes the guy to Madame Suzette and say this nun would like to work here and so Suzette interviews her and they hire her and Susette we got to do something about wardrobe here and so Ava took him to the office and said it's $200 for the wardrobe fee and so they got him in there and shaved his legs and did all the things that they did put him in thigh high

He looked like Vince Neal with a long blonde wig like Vince Neil's ugly sister, okay? And Vince, by the way, Vince comes to the ranch. He was there a couple weeks ago, the Motley Crew was in town. And so then Ava puts her at the bar and says, we'll start working. And then it's like a little while later, say, hey, you can't just sit here and look pretty around here. You gotta work, get in the lineup. So the guy, she had the guy's getting the lineup, okay? And that was fun, wouldn't it?

It was so much fun. And he left very happy, you know, that's the kind of experience he was looking. Wait a minute, he did get fired. I mean, you took her to the office and told Suzette, you didn't think she was going to work out, and Suzette fired her. That's hysterical. Yeah, but you know what? He was who he wanted to be for that moment. Exactly.

And we all are going to have those kinks at different times, just like Lee and his pony fetish. I mean, who would know. No one understands, Joey. Nobody gets it. Now let me ask you to describe what, because you were talking about a madam from A to Z. What happens? I'm knocking the door. Who greets me?

Wow. Who's going to greet you as one of our staff members? You're going to have your choice. We call it the Doho. Yes, our door whore. Okay. And she's going to ask you if you have an appointment, if you know who you want to see, if you'd want to line up, if you just want to go to the bar. And from there, if you choose to have a lineup, all the girls who are working on shift come out.

And we, you know, meet and greet, just like at a, you know, a rock and roll concert. Hi, I'm Eva. Hi, I'm Emily. Hi, I'm da-da-da. You know, let's say I want to go to the bar. Just hang out for a now. Right. Then it becomes the best singles bar in the entire world.

You know, then it's our job as working girls to come up to you. And we'll talk to you for five minutes. And we have to let every girl talk to you until you choose who you want to go. So I'll choose a girl. And if you never choose a girl, that's fine. That's fine. As long as you have a good time. Because we're different than other brothels around the world because they don't want guys to do that.

I want them to do that because I know the guy's going to. to go back and brag to his friends that he fucked Ava in 10 different positions and all that and then the friends are going to go to bunny ranch.com they're going to look at it and one of his friends are going to come up and see her because it's it's because that's the way men are we want to brag about our conquests and all that so we just come in and have a good time you want to party we call sex partying whether it's the pony cart the the guy the nun with the cigarette or it's a hand job snuggling what whatever, it's a party, that's what we call it.

And, uh, because that's a term we can use on O'Reilly and Hannity and the view and things like that. So, uh, they do that and guys hang around there and some parties, some don't. As long as everybody goes away having fun, that's, that's all we care about. And, uh, and then if they want a party, of course the girls, it's their job to entice you to go to the room. And then there's, there's a menu. If I pull out, pull out a menu here.

We've got a menu, uh, that we, we can, uh, that the girls use to, to create more than just the missionary experience and uh you got another one okay and just then the then the missionary experience and so there's there's a uh ask ava if you're confused about any of the items the menu items ava can explain it to you unbelievable to go orders military discount two girl party how many girls are there at one time well there's always 30 there's always 30 but now in In northern Nevada, between Reno and Lake Tahoe, there's only four brothels. I own all of them. So we have like 100 girls working at all times in the different brothels.

The Bunny Ranch is the flagship. It's the most well-known because of the HBO Cat House series. And everybody knows about the Bunny Ranch. You'd have to be living under a rock. Yeah. Now, Lee, Lee knew about us when he was 14. I was asking you, when I came on, he said 2004, right? Two.

2002. So, yeah. So I was like 14, 16. And we didn't have HBO at the house. So when we go on vacation, my brother and I were to get our own room. And HBO would send stuff to the hotel, something like this, like saying what's going to be on HBO. And if real sex or the Bunny Ranch was on, it was a good night. That was like the first, almost first experience to porn.

Would your head almost fucking blow up when you're watching the naked women and shit? There was a girl. I remember, the only thing I remember like a girl who dressed up like she was in the Air Force. Air Force Amy. Oh, Air Force Amy. She's still working. She is the Michael Jordan of sex. It's true.

Wherever you're at sexually, she's going to take you up a couple notches if you want to. I mean, she can be sweet and loving and caring and all that, but she can also, she'll take you up wherever you think you're at. We all think that we're kinkier than we really are. And every day somebody trumps me. Every day. I mean, you get guys come in there. one guy that wanted to be trampled. He wanted 12 girls to trample him,

some in tennis shoes, some in flat, some in spikes, some in boots. So many stilettos, you know, like to the face and stuff. Yeah, he wanted to be walked on. He really wanted it. And that was his deal. And the girls told me his dick got hard as Chinese arithmetic when they were walking on him, right?

And we get girls, guys that want to be their feminine best and get dressed up. We had an MMA guy in there with Brooke ones and it actually broke some handcuffs. And he wanted her to go out to his truck and get a two by four. And I'm like, no, that's where we draw the line. No two by fours. No fucking two by fours.

We'll not go for that. But the point is you can be who you want to be while you're there without anybody judging you. You want to wear a skirt. You want to be silly? You want a dog collar? You know, Eva had a guy a couple of weeks ago that she had on a dog collar and a little riding crop and walking him through the parlor. And he loved it. And so, I mean, he really got it.

off on that, didn't he? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He picked his dog name. You know, he didn't want to be able to use the restroom and doors. He was very, very serious about it. What was his dog name? It was Lofi. I don't know where he came and got up with it. Yeah. I got a confession of Mike. I just joined Jiu-Jitsu. And it's very hard for me. I've been there for 15 months. But I always was kind of athletic. Like, I played basketball and football in high school. I went to karate for I'm very flexible. and I just want to do something different but I had an aptitude for it you know I do not have an

aptitude for cars like if my car gets a flat I'll fucking leave that motherfucker then go buy a new and report it's stolen when it comes to all changes and shit like that State Farm did you hear that? I have no aptitude for sex even as a young

what happened to me was when I was about 17 we were hanging out with these guys one night and they go it's Pedro Obringon's birthday part And at that time, I had fucked and ate some ass and shit like, no, I ate pussy. Nobody had ever sucked my dick. I was very prude. And I went into this place and to the city.

It was called the 1040 Club. This is back in New York City. We're going to 1988. And basically, it was an auditorium on the west side where it cost $999 to be with a girl plus tax, 1040. So it was called the $10.40 club. You paid $10.40. They gave you a ticket. went in. This was something that I, until this day, it was one of the worst experiences of my,

like I went home and was like almost done with sex. Oh my goodness. And some people have those bad experiences, and that's why we're there. A lot of the girls are into training and teaching people and being, but that was trick and, I know that. I know the place, episodes 1040. Oh, my God, I know it. This was a, this was a, this is. What happened to you?

So this was, this was, 200 men drunk, smelling of cologne. Hey, what's up? I get my dick sucked every night. Well, why are you here then? You know, those type of guys. 200. There were no girls there? They opened up a door and they start pushing out girls.

This is like human trafficking. They push them on, you got to grab them. You got to drag them to the guy, give them a ticket. Then they take it to this back room that's like a fucking Vietnam tent with petitions. and the little beds that the ones that open up when your grandmother comes over and you open it up and you go to a hotel. A cot.

And they would wash your dick. This is 1981. They would take your dick out. It's a fast house. Oh my God. This was something that... And I was petrified. And she washed my dick. She put a condom on. And I was like having an anxiety attack. Well, at that point I was into D. She got on top of me. This lady

took off his stockings. It looked like she had been stabbed and dragged by a fucking car. It was just a fucking car. It was just a fucking horror show And I'm on the bottom I believed in love I believe that You know

There were flowers and shit Why I don't fucking know I used to dry hump Vicky To earth went and fire When I was the sixth grade And suck a little fucking tit And all of a sudden I got this woman on top of me bouncing

And I can hear the condom I can't get on my dick And I'm about to fucking puke And all of a sudden she stops And she goes For an extra ten dollars you can go down on me And I took her fucking hip And I go, you got to go.

And I left my friends. I left my friends. I fucking took a bus over in New York City. And you were number 36 for the day for her. I was mummified. Like I was 17, I was mummified. And we want to have sex after that for a while. And this gal, this is such, it's amazing.

It's terrible. I know this gal. Not the one you party with. I know the gal. She's been in prison like 25 times. Oh, God. She's in, right now she's gone. and I did an undercover thing for ABC News.

And so I was looking for sex trafficking of underage girls. So I went to different places over in, not the Bronx. What's the other one? Roosevelt Street. Brooklyn, Queens. Queens. And so I found a place over there where they had these 13 and 14-year-old girls. It was disgusting.

But that's what I was looking for. So I found this place, and I went in there, and she had like four girls, and it's like you say she is, but she wasn't doing anything wrong. It's all illegal. And when it's illegal, it means there's drugs, it means there's disease. It's just terrible. It's like anybody wants to play Russian roulette, go to Backpage.com and pick a girl off there. You're going to get arrested.

You're going to get robbed. You're going to get a disease. Something bad is going to happen. So I did this, and I ended up that night at the comedy seller because I run around with comics, because all I want to do is laugh, come, and have a burger once in a while. That's all I want to do. That's beautiful. And so I'm down there with my buddies, Jim Norton and Rich Voss and Colin Quinn and all the guys, right?

And so I started telling this story about this place. And Colin's like, tennis, was that called Episodes 1040? I said, yep. He said, I went there for like 40 years ago. Okay. It was like the place everybody went. But yeah, but our place is different. It's like dating.

It's really like dating. We're like the opposite of that. That sounds like a horror. It is. It is. That's terrified. When you make something illegal. Well, exactly.

This is the same thing as Al Capone and the gangsters during prohibition. Who made the money? The gangsters made the money. The politicians that got paid to look the other way made the money. When you make it legal, then it brings incredible people like myself with nice girls. I mean, you'd never see a girl like Ava working in this toilet you're talking about. And that's the difference. This is why we have to legalize this business to stop.

the sex trafficking and given young guys like you a terrible experience oh my god it was uh and i'd never recovered sexually i could be honest for everybody we got to change we got to change that sexually we got to get you up there uh very uh it was just we can fix that we can help me over completely at least i you know when you're around when you're around nice people and the girls are are having fun you'll just be there yeah they want to be there and they're just you're gonna you're gonna you're You're going to attract a guy. Girls like funny guys. It's just, that's it.

Funny and nice. I tell guys, my buddies want to come up there and say, well, what do we do? How do we do? So here's what you do. First of all, you be clean and you be respectful and you have a good time. Girls want to laugh. When a girl's laughing, you're close to her pussy. And in this case, because you're paying for it, the quality of the party is going to go up.

The price is going to go down. But they love comics. They love to laugh. They love to giggle. good time. We're going to fix you. No, I got to get fixed. This is at least my last fucking 10 years of existence. But I was talking about, you're talking about martial arts, I was talking about that last night. My buddy, I was at the rainbow with Uncle Hal over here and Chuck Zito and we were sitting around

talking about that and Chuck is doing that jujitsu. And you know, Chuck's a boxer. Yes. And you know he was at Meta Morris this weekend. It was a tournament and I saw he was there with the guy I studied with. He Megan Machado. Really? And it's amazing that I got it, I never, I hate fucking men's feet.

All right. The last thing I ever want is a man's ass in my face. I'm fucking old school. I don't want their nuts by my face. I don't give a fuck. That's why they invented guns. They understand that.

They invented machine guns, so there's no jiu-jitsu. But I wanted something different. When I came from Cuba, my mother signed me up in karate. I've been punching and kicking. And then when I lost a hundred I punched and kick and I was done and there was a jitza school it was cheap and I said let me go in there the first day I walked in there

My face was that fucking red was nothing compared to what my face was I have sleep apnea I'm 100 pounds overweight let me tell you something now if I'm not doing it I'm at home watching videos Really I'm getting surgery on my knee just so I could get to the next fucking level Wow that's how much I like it because I know if I do that three days a week I will lose 150 fucking pounds. You'll feel great. Even if I just one egg a day for breakfast, if I keep it normal, I will lose that. It's that much.

Okay, well here's the trick. I was at the Playboy Mansion, getting a picture taken with a fan. And a drunk girl ran from behind me, leaped up, I heard her call my name, and I turned my head, arms around my neck, legs around my waist, and pulled me down and blew my knee out. I had to have a full knee replacement. Okay? So I went to Mayo, the best place in the world, Mayo Clinic,

in Rochester. And what do we do? He said, well, you've got to get a knee replacement. But if you want to increase the chance of success, you've got to get the weight off and build your quads. And so the trick was no starches, no sugars, no soda pops, and guess what, the weight falls off of you. Falls off you. If you just don't eat starches, starches are the killer. They're killing America. They're inflaming everything. And the pain went way to down on my knee when I got those starches out of my system because you didn't have the information. And so I lost 73 pounds by doing what we're talking about. And so those are you guys listening. If you wanted to take off some weight, stop the fucking starches, stop the sugars, and stop the soda

pops. And guess what? The weight falls off you. Let me ask you this, just not to get off the subject. Robin Williams. Oh my goodness. What the fuck happened, I love Robin. And you know what? And I gotta tell you, I've been around them all. Robbins my favorite. And Robin's my favorite. And he's a great guy, he's a fun guy. And I can't imagine, with all the success that he's had, with comic relief and all the movies turned into a big movie star,

what the fuck? Now, I just called Bob Zemuda, founder of Comic Relief, my dear friend, because people are calling me saying, We want Bob on CNN. We want him on Today's show. I know all these people, so they're calling me, and I'm hooking him up with Bob. I can't imagine what it would take to want to affixiate a guy that's got the world by the ass. It's not money.

He's got the fame. Everybody likes Robin Williams. I don't get it. It's mental illness, you know, and it's the whole concept of being the tears of a cloud. The funniest guy in the room has usually been the saddest guy in the room at one point. You got to go off. He's always been depressed. Like he's always battled depression.

It's just, it's. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Severe depression. They said that. I know he checked into a rehab about two years ago. And he was just there this summer, actually, for drugs. I was reading that.

Something was going on that we didn't know about. He had a CBS show or NBC, and they canceled it. And they said the show wasn't bad. So I assume. Nothing he does is good bad. Yeah, I assume that either his salary was too high for networks. television or look at something was up they wouldn't just get rid of this Robin Williams show if it wasn't something so my favorite story with Robin I've been

around him because of Bob Sumuda I've been around him and but this goes back a long ways so Kaufman plays Carnegie Hall and he comes out and he gives his heartfelt speech about how he his dream was to always when he was a kid that he would play at Carnegie Hall and nobody believes believed him except his grandma. And I want my grandma to be here with me. So grandma comes out and everybody standing ovation for grandma, she's the one that believed in him.

He says, and I want grandma to be comfortable. So we flew her couch out. And bring the couch out, and grandma's crying. Oh my God, it's a wonderful moment. Her grandson is at Carnegie Hall. And so throughout the show, he would reference her. And so grandma, how are we doing? And all that.

So at the end of the show, he says, I'd like to have my, the reason I'm here is because my grandma believed in me. I'd like, Grandma, would you stand up and take a bow? So Grandma stood up, the whole place standing ovation, grandma grabs her wig, pulls it off, pulls off the mask, and it's Robin Williams. Fucking amazing. So I don't know, but I think, even if you're right, if it's mental illness, it's a terrible thing with all these shootings and all this craziness,

and that we can't, as advanced as our country is, that we can't get this mental illness thing under control. Because what a lost humanity, Robin Williams is. Exactly. Listen, man, as a comedian, you go to these weird places. You know, we all do. You have self-doubt. You have all these things.

So who knows what could have happened? I mean, growing up, I was in some dark places. I never thought about icing myself. I don't know why. I always don't know. You never know. You never know. I mean, we had something to happen this last year.

We did a promotion with a jackass, a bad grandpa. Month-long promotion with Howard Stern. And grandsons and granddaughters would have to call in and say why their grandpa should get to go to the Bunny Ranch, free trip to the bunny ranch. Got it down to three. The grandsons and granddaughters brought their grandpas into Stern Studio, I'm there with a couple of our girls, Cressa Kisses, Rain Riches. And so they're interviewing them.

And Robbins crying because one guy had cancer, and she's had her cancer thing. And Howard's like, these guys are nicer than my fucking dad. I love these guys. And so it was sad that only one person won. So then the girls were like, Daddy, Daddy, we want all of them to come. And I'm like, well, what are you going to do for me? And Howard says, yeah, what are you going to do for him? If all the grandfather's come.

And Howard says, a threesome? We did that last night, Howard. What? Oh, yeah, we already did that. And so it was great. So, anyway, the first grandpa comes there. Flies in, we get him there, gets in the limo. He comes to the ranch, 86 years old.

Grandpa Johnny, he met all the girls in our party, our weekly tea party, and now it's time to party. You know, I want to go have a steak. And so he goes to a casino, a Harvey's Casino, and the Sage Room, amazing restaurant, has two bites of a prime rib and dies in the restaurant. Chokes on a steak. Chokes on a piece of prime rib. Okay, the grandson is a parks and rec professional.

No's Heimlich, no CPR, can't get him. The security team at the casino can't get him back. The paramedics work on him for 45 minutes. Done, done. Done deal. So you never know. So that's why you want to have fun every day of your life. If you think you want to do something, don't hesitate.

You do it. Yep. I look by the same. Fuck it. You got to go for it. Because you never know. Every morning when I wake up, I have a couple pictures of friends of mine that died when we were in high school. Another one from grammar school.

I still talk to the family. But every time I have a doubt about something, I look at that fucking picture. You know, I'm Cuban. I always think about when I'm eating a sandwich and I'm like, right now my family's eating an egg six ways. Yep. They're eating a fucking egg. Six of them, but looking at an egg going, okay?

Let's chop it up six ways. You could dope it up in water and shit. I love Cuban sandwiches. Oh, my God. Is there a good place in town to get them besides for side? They're only open until 8 o'clock. Up in Burbank, right down the block, poros, fucking trip.

Maybe you can go tomorrow, daddy. Packed all fucking day. I love it. We're going to go. The guy's a Cuban guy that opened one in Glendale, and there's no Cubans eating in it. It's all Armenian. He's got a Cuban bakery, so now he's.

He popped one and Lee was just there. They got a cake for his in-laws. Oh, poor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking tremendous. They don't play games. You stand, best time in the day that goes 10.45. For the rush. There's nobody there. There's nobody there. Well, I'll take my little bitch Ron Jeremy because she can eat.

She could eat it. Oh, she can fucking eat this one. Take me, Daddy. I only see Ron Jeremy. The comedy stories are seeing or walking into the bank. You catch Ron walking into the bank? He goes to Bank of America on Sunset. Two blocks east of...

Laugh Factory. There you go, off of Fairfax. Yeah. He'd come in there with his little fucking car. Yeah. And going there with a little bag of singles and shit in 20s. That car, that is the only car in America that's never been washed. Never washed that car.

That's what holds... That's what holds the car together is the dirt. You really have to love the mystique of Ron Jeremy. He's a walking cartoon character. It's not a fucking weirdest thing in the world. Can you imagine like God, Mother Nature, whoever puts all this together. Okay, let's build a little hairy Jew today. And let's just make her disheveled.

I wanted to be about 60 pounds overweight. That's what I'm kind of thinking. We'll get her a good education and you know what, just to give her a chance, let's put a 10-inch cock on her. You know? Can you mention that? That's Ron Jeremy. Somebody's sitting up there smoking a fat one saying, let's do something fun today.

Put this deal together. And the mystique, no matter where the fuck he goes, somebody runs up to him, not walks, but sprints up to him and says, can I have an autograph? I love you, yeah. People come to fucking California from Ohio or Indiana or Ohio or whatever the fuck they're coming from,

and they go to Hollywood Boulevard, think about this and they walk around and they're looking for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and one night they end up going to Sab Bagel Place on whatever and you see Ron Jeremy every fucking guy is going to go back to work when his wife's

not around and go because the guys he's like fucking the president he's like the fucking president this is our fear if you're a fucking freak and you like to fuck this is your fearless leader this is one of the first guys you really caught fucking and sucking

coming on somebody's your fearless leader. This is your fearless leader. This is the fucking leader of the free world if you want a fucking suck. If you're 40 and under, you learn how to do something from Ron fucking Jeremy.

Unless you were fucking molested. You learn how to do something from fucking Jeremy. What are your moves you learn from Ron? What the fuck? You learn something. Because I, again, because of my sexual dysfunction as a young man. We're going to fix it.

I did not like the other shit that wasn't, you know, when I was a kid again, you find your father's real and real. The 8 millimeter. You're too young for that. Oh, yeah. You know, eight, and in those days, you ordered one, and they sent you to the projector in the mail. You ordered three films.

So they didn't have magazines? They had magazines, but I remember in New York City, the funniest magazine they had was they had a Puerto Rican magazine called Pika Pica. It was Puerto Rican chicks. And they had big asses. It was black and white, but they covered their faces. hysterical.

They would cover their faces. It's like putting a paper bag on someone's head. This is terrible. Everybody had the magazines, but... Let me tell you who one of my mentors. My mentors are Andy Kaufman. Right. Oh, my God. The master of the goof.

And I goof on the world. I'm always using television. You are walking fucking goof. I can't believe this. I fuck with everything. I mean, Obama goes to Columbia. The guys get caught with the hookers. and I'm doing a press release an hour later saying,

you know, I'm concerned about the welfare of our president, but the bigger thing is these Secret Service guys need to buy American booty. They need to buy at the bunny ranch, buy America. If there's an angle out there, Donald Sterling gets himself in trouble. I get a few of my buddies from the NBA contact me, and I banned this guy six hours before the NBA did. Lifetime ban from the Bunny Ranch, took him up my birthday list, And so we're always looking for the angle.

And there's some great ones out there to just make it all fun. Because all I want the world to do is know about the bunny ran. Because the best customer and the best working girl doesn't even know the bunny ranch exists. And so it's my job to tell the world. And then beautiful girls like Ava take care of their clients, one cock at a time. Ava, let me ask you this. Yes, sir. I come in there, and I'm not disrespecting you.

I come in there. I got $10,000, and I don't want to fuck. I don't want to know. I just want to eat somebody's fucking pussy until the head pops out. What happens? How do I know this is USDA, fresh meat? I'm not going to get a third tongue on Thursday or a blister or something like that. I mean, I'm going deep into the murky water is a very asshole and your pussy.

When I'm fucking, when I don't want you to suck my dick, nothing. I just want to eat pussy. What happens? Wow. In order to be a working girl at the Bunny Ranch, people think that it's kind of a, you walk in, if you're hot, you know, you put you on the floor and that's that. It's very opposite, you know.

We can't have a felony or any kind of anything on our criminal record for the last five years. You know, we get tested every week for every STD under the sun. We pass a, you know, a rigorous application process that, you know, Madam Suzanne and Dennis put on, you know, a thousand girls hit the button a month and there's 30 rooms. A thousand girls a month want to go to work.

and we hire like 20. The best of the best? And girls rotate, correct? You have some women that go, we'll see your next. You said there was about 500 or so? About 540 girls now it takes to keep 120 working at all times. And you have the four clubs, 30 girls. In northern Nevada I have four, and southern Nevada I have three.

It's a little smaller clubs, and their works in progress, but they're outside of Vegas, like an hour outside of Vegas. But as far as cleanliness, there's just no problem. problems at all. I mean, these girls are tested and... But a girl wouldn't run out and go, this fucking overweight guy wants to eat my pussy until the hand comes out. Oh, no, she'd get fired. They'd be putting cherries on there. They'd be putting whipped cream, crunchies, like, what do you like on your punanee today?

And you can make a Sunday out of these girls, right? And just eat... And the beauty of that, too, especially for a merry guy, is eating ain't cheating. Okay? That's not cheating. That's not cheating. Damn. You didn't know that, did you? No. And the other thing is a law, Nevada law,

and not a lot of people know this. I need the listeners to understand it. But when you walk through the gates at the Bunny Ranch, your marriage is annulled for the period of time. You're inside. For as long as you negotiated. Yeah, for long as you're inside the ranch. You're an knelt.

So there's no guilt. With you and your Catholic guilt thing, we've got to watch you. You need to make an app so you can show this to your girlfriend, like, no, this is what he said there's a law, and then you can just like explain it because like if we try to play it. There you go. People should know too, you know, that we bill discreetly so that if your wife or your girlfriend does, you know, check your finances or you guys have a joint account, it doesn't say, you know, bunny ranch hookers, $1,000 for anal, you know, or whatever it may be like on there.

I'm going to give you a VIP comp, which means ass pass, booty pass. And I want you to have it in your pocket. It's kind of like having a AAA card. Do you have AAA? Yes. Okay. And you don't use it very often, but you got the card with you, right? It's the same way.

And it's in case there's an emergency, in case your wife doesn't want to do some dirty, disgusting thing that you want to do that day, you've got it for emergency purpose to pull it out and say, well, honey, that's okay. I can go use this. Dennis gave me this ass pass, and I can go use that. Would you rather have me do that? You wait how fast you want to get naked.

That solves that whole problem. Believe me. That is just amazing. Joey's getting an ass pass. Now let me ask you something. Now you have girlfriends, you were married at one time, right? I did this fly at home. It didn't, obviously.

Well, I got married, and you know, Chuck Zito and I were talking about this. You know, we're, I know Chuck pretty well, but we never talk about really personal things, right? Excuse me. So Chuck, like me, got married when he was 17. And because I got married young, I had a lot of responsibility. And so all I did was work, go to school, and fuck. I mean, that's all I did, because I didn't have the money to do anything.

So I never got into drugs, never got into alcohol. I don't drink, don't smoke, except a cigar, and never did any drugs. I just want sex and throw me a Cuban sandwich and I'm happy, right? So that's it. And Chuck and I ran that same parallel because he doesn't drink. I mean, what a crazy thing. What a crazy thing that a hell's angel doesn't get it in drugs because that's what they're known for, right? But he never got into anything.

He's just straight as can be. And so am I. So, you know, all I want to do is have sex. I want to laugh. And I love hanging down with comedians because comedians, first of all, they're all fucking sick. And that fits right into my world. And they want to laugh. So laughing, coming, and have a little food once in a while.

and I'm a happy guy. And I think you'd agree with that, wouldn't you? Oh, yeah, yeah. Now, you were dating Heidi Flights for a while. This is old news. How long were you involved with Heidi? Heidi and I were old fuck buddies. Right, you were fucked buddies.

We were never like boyfriend, girlfriend, but we secretly would get together and flew around. And then we got caught by some paparazzi and ended up going to New York to try to clean it up a little bit and say, we're just friends and all that. And so we did Fox. and we did the Today Show, and we did Sean Hannity Show,

and just all these things. So we're on Howard Stern, and she said the greatest line, because Howard's like, okay, how long's this going on? This is the Cat House King, the Brothel Baron. You're the Hollywood man. You went to a penitentiary for prostitution. She's, what the hell is your sex life like? And Heidi thought for a second, she says, Howard,

when he's done with me, I don't know whether they ask him to marry me or call 911 on him. And every time I see Howard, he's just, He says, anybody called 911 on you? He never forgot that line, right? But Heidi's, I love Heidi, and I'm always bailing her out of some little jam because she's always getting, but Heidi's the greatest. She's wonderful, she's fun, and I'm honored to say she's my friend.

She's, of course, fighting the demons with drugs. And she's so unique because this is a chick that never, not one time in her life has ever been in a fast food restaurant. Nobody can say that. Nobody I know can say that. She has never been in a fast food restaurant. And she eats twigs and nuts and pistachios. I was driving over here from Vegas,

and I had a bag of natural almonds, unsalted almonds. I took a picture of it, and, oh, my God, you just thought I bought her a car. Oh, that's so fucking cool, Dennis. Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you, because I'm eating unsalted almonds in the car, right? but then she has her thing with drugs. And it's just, it's really unbelievable. And she's okay now, but she's, I'm not putting any secret out there that people don't know. I mean, she's been on Celebrity Rehab and she's done a lot of things.

But you would love, I'll get her in here someday. We'll have some fun with her. She's the greatest. You know, I'm a fan of hers from Celebrity Rehab. I couldn't believe she was involved with Tom Seismore and I got it. I got it. You know, Tom was a great actor for a long time. And he fucking just, and it's amazing how we all go through our bouts at that shit.

You're very fortunate. Never, Lee has never, you know, Lee smoked when we met. Now we smoked hash. I give him edibles. Yeah. And then I gave me chocolate-covered mushrooms at the comedy store. We haven't told the people that yet. Okay, so you just gave me stuff.

You just gave me this to take it. And I put in my mouth, I said, what was that? It didn't taste like weed. and you're like, it's mushrooms. I've never done mushrooms before. Oh, that's me. They were tremendous, though. Chocolate mushrooms.

I didn't take enough, I don't think. In his defense, he didn't give me like a small piece. No, I was looking out. How long have you smoked, Joey? Since I was 14. You started smoking when you were 14? We, no cigarettes until I moved to Los Angeles. My mother had a bar.

We had a Cuban bar in the Union City, New Jersey. It was the second biggest Cuban community in the country. Really? 1950 on because of the embroidery business in New Jersey. So when you landed in Miami, there was billboards that said the land of opportunity, Union City, New Jersey. So I needed a scapegoat by 53. And my father became like the first Cuban committee man.

He owned the sandwich shop called the OK restaurant by Washington School on 38th in New York Avenue. Did he have Cuban sandwiches? Yeah, the Cubans ran from 7th Street to 48th, about four blocks old. from Bergen-Line Avenue, that was all Cuban. We hawking, Jersey City, but the Cubans. So my mom had a bar there. It was a successful bar. And for some reason, I just never liked the booze.

I just watched people in early age. You know, I used to dip my pacifier and blackberry brandy and shit like that. But I got, I stole a bottle of wine when I was like three, four, and I drank something. I ended up in a closet. It's just something. My mom called the cops, and they found me in the diaper, shit, and shit all over me and puke.

So it stayed with me. And I'll tell you what, when I go out at night, I swear to God, every time I go out, I go tonight I'm going to have a cocktail. There's nothing that tastes better on a fucking margarita. Not to get drunk just for the flavor. You know, sometimes I go to Rudy's in Jersey to eat the fried squid, the calamar. And I got a hyniquette on tap. It's delicious. I just don't like drinking to get food.

fucking ham it. It doesn't make me it's nothing that I'm against Aoukis and nothing like that. I just don't drink because I don't like the flavor. I love to do a shot of Yeager with you. If I drink, my friend said to me how many, describe on one hand how many times you drink and a year, I'll drink

three drinks a year. Two of those would be shots of maybe a cocktail to go off the deep back or something like that. And you know, I just never got into it. Like if we were out and somebody wanted to order a bottle of wine I'd have like a third of a glass and I'd act like I'm having a big, good time with it, you know. But it's about the taste.

If they come up with something that makes liquor taste like something from Dairy Queen. Oh, fuck. Guess what? I'm an alcoholic. Yeah, me too. I know. Well, they do that in LA. They have a burger place down in Hollywood that has alcohol milkshakes.

Really? Yeah. It's on Sun Tent. Yeah. Call Red Robin. They've had fucking milkshakes for years. Really? The Cocoa.

When I was in college. I drank Cocoa Locos every night. I went from one fucking 85 to 210. I kept saying, what's swelling me up? The fucking, and my girl at the time said, you drink 10 cocoa locos at night. Sure you're going to fucking. They're milk, milk, colloia, everything with sugar.

Oh, my God. And I do a couple bumps of fucking blow. I was on the blow for 20 years. That killed me. That killed me. But didn't that keep your weight down? Could you maintain weight on the blow? Listen, the fattest people I've seen are the biggest cocaine snorts.

I don't know what the fuck they do with this modern book. The crack burns the... I think the smoke and the sweating and jumping up and down and chasing people burns a lot of fat when you do crack. When you do blow and you're trying to get your dick sucked and you're an evil fuck. It's amazing. It's amazing.

The only thing I ever really saw good about cocaine was in the 80s, it was amazing bitch bait. If you had to Coke, you had the pussy. Oh, my God. All you had to do was come out of a bathroom and go, and everybody would look at you. It was like a... People don't remember...

You know, it's just... I've tried to describe it to people that the cocaine marketing was the most brilliant marketing in the world because for years we paid nickel bags, heroin was $3. Reefel was whatever. Hits of acid were $3.

All of a sudden these Spanish people that were 5'4 foot six shut up with this white magical powder that they wanted 100 of gram for. That's it. Nobody sold half of grams. Nobody sold nothing in 1970. It was grams of blow for,

$100 a fucking grant. And as soon as people bought that, it wasn't about the drug. It was about the raisin class. You were somebody out. That's how they sold cocaine. It's like buying a bottle of Don Perriot. That's it.

You're exactly right. That was the marketing scheme for cocaine. Forget about getting high. We're going to make you that person. You're going to mingle with celebrities. When you come out and go, Aspen, the mating call was, you know, when pepper, you get a razor blade,

you go like this. I lived in Aspen for two years, from 83 to 85. Most people will not believe at this time, and I will state it, was that Aspen, Colorado, from 1982 to 85, was the cocaine capital of the United States. People are going to go, Joey, but it was in Miami. Listen to me. Go to your Wikipedia. Check it out.

They were blown fucking Puerto Ricans up in Aspen, Colorado. And those were the people. You know why? It was a great place to live. It was a great place to live. And you know the other place? People don't know? Lake Tahoe.

Tremendous. It was a major. your drug place because if you got if you got real money and the drug dealers had real money why not live in aspirin like Tahoe? What do you get what are you going to live in the fucking Albuquerque? I mean you got to live with

in the hottest place. You got to run with the Jews. Tell them. Exactly. Everyone's why you've got to have a Jew somewhere. Exactly. If you're going to run with money somewhere 20 feet there's got to be a fucking Jew or is like the luck fucking thing. Where's some Tony Bennett? Break this motherfucker up. How did the Jews

let the Colombians get the cocaine deal. The Jews are a class act. They don't need that. They got proof. You know, every time you fuck with a joy has to do, show you the cross. What do you want to do? Oh shit.

Are you kidding me or what? Strap it on, motherfuckers. Go get a cocktail, come back, tell Mama you want to link a little fucking monkey and we're here with the man. Dennis Havre making it happen tonight. I'm going to start. You're a culling pussy.

I know I am. The monkey. I know I am. And if you're in France, it's the Monquois. I think you have a little taste of Monquois. The Monquois. They look at you, like, what the fuck are you talking about? Hey, Vassau. What is your age?

I'm 23. And how long have you decided to do this? Well, I'm still a rookie. I've been working six months now. It's very interesting because when I lived in Aspen, I just turned 21, and I remember going to the bars at night. You know, the Paragon was owned by Jimmy Buffett at the time. The tower was owned by John Denver.

I'll never forget walking down the street. You're too young to even remember this. But Dennis, I remember walking down the street one night and seeing 10 women run by me. Women running and taking their heels off. They come back and look and go, what the fuck is going on? They go, we're chasing Don Johnson.

This is when Don Johnson was being chased. my women on the fucking street. He's Don Johnson. Exactly. Miami Vice. Oh, they wore those crazy shirts and fought crime, right? Yeah. In a white Ferrari Testaroza. In a white Ferrari testeroza.

I took, when John Denver was playing at Harris, I went up in his jet and watched the eclipse which happens like every whatever 100 years or 50 years, whatever. This eclipse at 50,000 feet

in John's jet. It was phenomenal. That's amazing. It was amazing to see an eclipse from 50,000 feet in the air in a jet. Yeah. 23. So I remember walking around Aspen going, if I was a young woman right now today, and I was attractive, I wouldn't become.

At that age, I said, even if I do it for four years and charge these fucking morons, a thousand apart, at the end of four years, I could buy a house. I can buy, I'm like Tony Montana. member at the table to buy a house a golf course and you're 25 years old and it's like

you start all over you know nobody fucking known where you've been for five years living in Michigan I don't fucking know that's what the girls that's what the girls do you have to be yeah

she doesn't come from a long line of Adora families that's not her name okay it's a name how did you get that name well there's the band the Smashing Pumpkins they have a song called

Ava Dore and I love that song it's my dad's favorite band and I love it because I'm adorable but without the bull So there you go. Isn't that great? So you're right. She'll go on and be a doctor and doing research and save the world.

Who gives a fuck? Who gives the fuck? I'm 51. It's amazing that things I did how I thought it was the end of the world when I was 27. And it doesn't change who the fuck I am today. Maybe who I am. A man is as old as the girl he sleeps with, so I'm 23. And, yeah.

You look good. The thing about you is I can see your happiness in your face. You're a sincerely happy guy. You opened my eyes tonight to what a brothel was. Like I said, I was so turned off when I was 17, I never had use for it again. That's a terrible experience. That's so sad. I've got to get you up there with or without your wife.

By the way, whether you party or not, you just need to get up there and be around the girls because there's nothing more stimulating than being around 20, 30, 40 girls in big hair and makeup and having fun and laughing and giggling, whether you're drinking and smoking a cigar. It's the last place in America. You can drink 24 hours a day, you can smoke cigars 24 hours a day,

and you can get laid 24 hours a day. There's nothing like it in America. It's true. Disney World for adults. So I flew with Thursday in the arena. I took the 945 American Airlines, gets you into Reno 1105. With 10 minutes early, we coast,

I get my luggage, the guy picks me up, I get to the hotel, I check to the room, I turned the TV on, what's on fucking HBO that night. Oh. Okay, and I'm sitting there watching it, and you guys are having a great time, but then, I'm just saying this

as a little person, girl. Oh, Bridget. That's Bridget. Yeah. This is real. Bridget's real. Yeah, Bridget's real. So I can go up there and fuck Bridget.

Well, she's not there right now. But do you have other replacement little with it? No, absolutely. No, let's say I want to dance and say, I want to take Bridget's cousin over here and just fucking fling her around the room and then fuck her, which, you know, at the end of this whole thing,

which he's got like a fucked up collarbone. I pay for the hospital bills. I got sag insurance, whatever. Oh, my goodness. Because nobody has ever like sucking the pussy of a midget. I would love it. Why not, Lee?

What was the last time you sucked? Oh, you have replacements. You can't have a replacement, little women? Sure you can't. They're all right. We were out at one. No, but it's not you can't just have them. You only have the one?

That's it. She doesn't have like a cover? We've had other ones. But this, she's the famous, most famous one. That's amazing. She's there one night. We're in a casino, in a steakhouse. And I'm with Air Force Amy, the legend.

And a girl named Shaila Fox, a beautiful porn girl that only did a few movies, but she was maybe one of the top two or three most beautiful girls ever. And so we're all there. And so they had a vegetable tray. Now the vegetable tray had this little starter, a little appetizer. And so Shia loved the pepperonchinis. And so Bridget said, well, are these hot?

Well, they're a little tangy. I wouldn't consider a peppermuccini hot. They're just tangy, right? So Bridget takes a bite out of one. Her eyes spin around. Her head starts freaking out. She grabs a glass of water, slams it down. She runs out of this restaurant, full blast.

This is a little person running 100 mile an hour. Runs all through the casino, back around the tables. And here she comes back into the restaurant with two security guys of the casino manager following her. And she sits down at the table going, ah, ha, ha, ha, ha. The casino manager, Dennis, is everything okay? I said, oh, yeah, she, she, peppercini was a little hot for her.

What? And that was, that was Bridget. I wasn't know, Daddy. Did you ever sleep with Bridget? I did not. And I tell you, I was afraid to. And I told her one, I very sincerely, I said, look. I thought she had a crush on you, didn't she?

Let me, who knows? I mean, you got to, I don't know, but she, the bottom line is I said, look, I'm 6'3. You're 3 foot 10. if I fuck you and it's the best I ever had you and I are going to look stupid together hauling around the rest of your life okay you need to find a guy that's like 5-5 and it's it's symmetrical it'll look like it should and she ended up at doing that and having a kid and and all that but it's like I wouldn't take a chance what if you what if I party with her it was the best I ever had we just look ridiculous together I'm too tall she's she short I'm tall it looks silly you'd carry her it was a comedian at the comedy store.

I can't remember what her name was very funny from Canada, I think she was. She ended up marrying a guy, and then she got the scooter, and he'd come up with her with the scooter. What's her name, Lee? She used to come to the Comedy Store, and then a couple of us ago. Had to be about eight years ago, she got hit by her on sunset. Oh, my God. In the

scooter? In the fucking scooter. As I was saying, I just laughed. She has a disability to put her in the scooter. They put her in the scooter because the hip was bad or something, She had the big hips. She was very funny. I met her in Canada. She was very sweet.

I always spoke to her. We were all mutual friends with another friend. Then she got hit in the scooter? I remember getting the call and saying, would I do the benefit or something? Yeah, somebody clocked her. They whacked her and knocked. Yeah.

She's lived. No, she's alive. I haven't seen it a while. She's still around, but I haven't seen her while. It's a fucked up story. I don't even know my brother. Who hits a midget in a fucking car? Where's the respect?

You know what I'm saying? Oh, so she was a little person, too? Yes, she was a little person. A little person. Oh, they're hip because they do have problems with her. Right. She had bad hips. So now she's in a scooter and they whack her in the scooter.

They whack her. Her husband was six foot one. Nice guy, glasses, you know, educated, had a job. You know, it wasn't like some fucking guy that was looking for her hand now. Let me just marry a little person. Get a check. I don't fucking know what they do anymore. Well, Eva's a little person.

She's 5'3. Yeah. But he was a fucking savage. She's badass, isn't she? No. It must be hard to do your show with an erection. No, I'm okay. I respect that. I've been angling the boobs towards him, just trying to see what will happen.

You know what? I would never want to do that to Ava, like showing my dick and my nutsack. Because that's psychological torture. I didn't say showing it. No, no, no, I'm just saying. You've got to be stimulated. Oh, she's beautiful. She's flawless. She's just beautiful.

She's just beautiful. And she looks like she can be Cuban. She's got that. Yeah, yeah. That's why I asked her. He did ask you. Let me ask you to save him. At one point, you're lying.

after a guy fucking had a car and everything. You said, you know what? I'm going to do this for it. Like the last boyfriend you had. Did you just murder him? Like, he just fucking woke up one day with his eyes spinning. And you go, you know what? I got good fucking pussy.

Fuck, Burger King. I'm going to go sell this prime fucking monkey right now. And she's gone, right? Is that how it happened? I mean, you were very good at what you did. You're very beautiful. It's actually a little bit. Like, it's pretty to say it.

When I went to Boston, you know, Boston is kind of the land of girls and of course there are you know different people there but I'd realize that every boyfriend I'd ever had and anybody who I'd messed around with they'd tell me that they started you know fucking me because they were interested like they were intrigued by you know this girl is tan she looks different da-da-da-da and then I would blow their mind and they told me that they'd never be able to sleep with a white girl again like after being with me really yeah I've heard that from maybe two or three guys I've been with your

skin is amazing beautiful it's an amazing color and texture and it melts in your mouth I might add so you Every woman in all your ranches are fucking throwing heat like this. Well, not all of them. We got a couple of them that I wouldn't sleep with, but the majority of them are very attractive girls. But, you know, beauty is... Everybody has a tight.

Like with Ava. Let me tell you something. Ava's beauty is so radiant right now that it's... I bet a lot of guys who just want to sit next to you and give you a couple yardsticks. Because I think that... You know, it's really weird. I'm married, and I got the fucking kid at home.

When you go home, you know, they don't talk about nothing else, but the fucking kid for three hours. And I bet that it's the truth. You know, it's a different time warp and whatever, and I'm very happy for my wife. I love the child. But sometimes a guy is driving home, and you go, like, tonight, I want to fuck somebody in the fucking ear.

Like, that's it. We get home, and all of some, they just bombard you with the kid's shit or something else, and your heart on goes into your asshole. Because now you've got to fucking wait until two to get a home. hard on it to think about and I could see guys as a release going to see Ava and it's not once a week but it's it's not it's more than a sexual release it's a mental release you can see it I see it right now it's hard it's hard for a guy to be arguing over a credit card bill with a girl

went and bought two pair of Chanel boots for for $5,000 and then say hey would you mind blow in me I mean there's so many pressures of of a family and having kids and like Like, it's not like wifey can, can, you can come home and be all hot and have her clothes on, drinking her bottle of wine and being all sexy. She's got to take care of this baby. And so it adds another dimension to it and guys can get away from that world and step into our world. And for a little while, have a great time and go back home and nobody knows the difference. Nobody knows the difference. And so I think a man that's married, we keep marriages together.

Oh, it's so true. Yeah. So true. I mean, we have a client who's been coming in for years now, and he'll come in every few months, every, you know, whatever. And he doesn't even like to, like we were saying before, have sex with us. He just wants to chat. He wants to watch two girls play with each other.

You know, and he has, I think, five children. His marriage is, you know, 40, 50 years strong, just. has 20 grandkids, you know, and he just, he enjoys being generous with us girls, and he goes back to his life, you know, away from the Bunny Ranch, and is a great father and a great husband. Well, I did that because before I bought the ranch, going back, before I bought the ranch, I was in a relationship for six years, and it was, it ran its course. And very nice girl, love her to death, but it ran its course.

So I was doing a deal in Florida with Swiss Airlines and SeaWorld, so I would fly, back to Reno. So there's two flights. One of them got in at about 5.30 and the other one got in at 10 o'clock. So I would always tell her I'm taking the one where I arrive at 10 o'clock. But I'd get there at 5.30. I'd go out to the ranch. I'd drink a cup of coffee. I bang a girl. And sit around and just laugh and giggle and talk to the girls and get all the pressures in my head. And I'd go home to my house in Tahoe and crawled in with her. And I was so thrilled to see her. It actually kept that thing going for another year. And the relationship was really over with. And I know clients are in there with that same thing. They don't want to give up their relationship. They don't want to give up their kids. But they have to have an outside stimulation,

whether it be just verbal stimulation or physical or sexual. Now how did the HBO series come about? You know, I wanted, I thought, I wanted to have a TV show. There wasn't any reality shows 13 years ago. The only thing that was out there was real world. Yeah. And so I thought, you know what, I want to show the world what this place is.

Because the Nevada law does not let me buy any television, radio, or newsprint. Can't advertise a brothel. So I thought, how can I get the world to know that we're here? I came up with this idea. And I went to Showtime. And I said, here's what I want to do. And they loved it. And they said, you know what?

We want to do it. But we want to do a scripted version because the money's in syndication. and we want to do a scripted version, we'll shoot all the exteriors, we'll build a set, we'll build a bunny ranch in Hollywood, and you tell us all the stories, and the girls will tell us the stories,

and then our actors will live it out. And I'm like, no, what's going to make it work is the fact that they can actually come visit these girls and visit these place, and they'll lock on to one of the girls and follow her, and that's what's going to make it work. So they said, nope, we want to do a syndication. So I went to HBO is like the supermodel that never gets fucked.

Nobody's had the balls to talk to her when she's horny as can be. And because everybody puts her up on this platform, that's HBO. HBO is an 800-pound gorilla. They're the badass. And so I went to them and we're in this meeting. And they said, Dennis, you've been everywhere. We've seen you on 2020. What can we do different?

And I said, I don't know. And they said, well, what do you like about HBO? I said, you know, I'd be honest with it, the only thing I ever watch is true taxi cab confession. And Sheila Nevin says, bingo, can we cam a room for two weeks? Because Nevada's a one-party state. So like right now, we're sitting in this room. If everybody has to know we're being filmed or you go to jail. In Nevada and New York, there are one-party states.

So as long as one party knows, if one party in this room, if we're in Nevada, knows it's being filmed, then it's okay. So I said, yeah, we'll try it. And we'll just film the negotiations and picking that girl how to line up. And it was a smash, smash hit. Highest rated nonfiction show HBO had ever done. The ratings were enormous. I mean, if you didn't see the show, you had nothing to talk about around the water cooler the next day.

I mean, Saturday Night Live ripped on it. And as you know, you want to be part of Cult America? Saturday Night Live rips on you. Guess what? you made it. And so, I mean, that's how it all came about. And then we only did that for two weeks, one time. And that started the show, and then it was people

latch it on to the different girls, the Air Force, Amy, Sunset Thomas, Taylor's, Madame Suzette, my life, I'm with this girl and I break up with her and I do this, and me having a discipline somebody or having a sales meeting. And it's just, I opened the doors to the Cat House and people love coming in. And they still do, 13 years later. I mean, Sam Simon, when I was on the show a few months ago,

said, Dennis, you know that the only show on television that's been on longer than yours is The Simpsons? He's the co-founder of The Simpsons. And I'm like, really? He said, yep, absolutely. So it's been on a long time, and it just never gets old. It gets like, her story is amazing. I mean, she's so non-typical,

because what happens is the right wing in the media. They look at a prostitial. prostitute and they're right 90% of the time. Underage, ethnic short shorts, street corner, crack pipe and a pip down the street taking the money until you legalize it. And then when you make it legal, then you get girls like Eva. Beautiful comes from a nice family. She's got alternatives. She's not desperate. She's got a great education and and she brings a lot to the table. So people are shocked because they're like, wow, that's like, that's not. like the chick I wish to do next door to me, you know,

instead of that skanky little horror that goes next door to us. And so they see our world and they're curious about it and they want to step into it. And a percentage of them come there. And the reason the show is so popular is because the girls are attainable. Like when you watch Hefner's show, and I highly respect you Hefner for what he brought to America, but nobody's gonna fuck his girls.

I mean, it's not gonna happen, okay? So you don't have the fantasy of banging those three girls, his old ladies, because it's not gonna happen. So in our show they see a girl and say, you know what, I like her, I can be with her, I'm attracted to her. So it stimulates you even more. And other reality shows don't have that.

Like I like the fishing boat guys, okay? If I catch or whatever the hell it is. But guess what, I'm never gonna go ride that boat. But I like the show, okay? And so another show that's the same way that has that same element is Pond Stars. People go to Vegas. It's a tourist attraction in Las Vegas now. People want to go to Pond Stars.

Just walk through the store and feel like they see the guys behind the counter, and it's the same way at the Bunny Run. Look at all the tourists that come in there. Oh, it's so true. I mean, you get all. People come to Reno for that. Oh, yeah. People plan.

They watch the show. show and they go fuck it they go online whatever the yellow paint whatever they need to do you get the blue-haired old ladies coming in there and buying shot glasses family reunions tour buses come through and they'll stop for a while and we're gonna start weddings I just I just got ordained and I've got my licensing from the state of Nevada and I'm gonna I'm gonna do this and that came from that Grizzly Adams Grizzly Adams Dan Haggerty did a wedding there And I thought, well, yeah, I can do this.

I know Dan very well. And so I'm going to come up with some whole spiel. Who gives this? But it's not going to be gives. Who sells this? We don't give anything, okay? And I'm going to do my whole wedding thing. So people can come there.

They can have a bachelor party, a bachelorette party, and they get married the next day right there at the ranch. And have their honeymoon. I've had many honeymoon parties. A couple comes in, and, you know, they want part of me to be part of their honeymoon experience. Now, that's the way to start a relationship. You start a wedding, a marriage like that with another chick in your bed. You're going to be with that girlfriend.

One of the hottest parties I've ever had, for sure, hands down, was the couple's honeymoon party I did. It was so hot. I'm definitely going to come and visit you. You have an open invitation. Please. I'm a big favor for me. What's up? Lee is, when I tell you, Lee is, he lived in Boston.

He lived in home. Oh, Boston. Lee's a very nice boy, but we have a running gag here on the show that I always knew Lee wants a woman to fart in his mouth. Oh, no, he doesn't have the balls to ask his girlfriend. He's never licked an asshole. He's looked at one when he eats his girlfriend's pussy, but he's never licked him or whatever. So we wanted to get Lee on pay-per-view or maybe on this show to have a girl fart in his mouth because I think that's the next level of entertainment in this country, is going to see women.

fart in your fucking face we can strap them down to if I don't know lees of leaves of our lease in you know and we we don't want to eat we don't want to ship for three or four days just feed a feed of beans hot dogs and you know what we had the opportunity but we lost it because we went to Barney's beanery and they had a chili dog but we shared it because I'm learned from my restaurant he's on a quest I have a bunny ranch restaurants I'm checking out hot dog places and trying to get the best everybody's got a different opinion well it's good So we shared it.

If she would have ate that big chili dog, we could have done it tonight. I'm so, I screwed up. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to save me the aggravation. It would save me a lot of aggravation here. Because I look at hot dogs as something different. When I came from Cuba as a young man, there was nothing more I wanted in the world than to be an American. And I grew up on the Dick Van Dyke show dog, you know, Dick Van Dyke.

And a hot dog was superb. So I went as a young man in search, the better the hot dog, the better of me. I would be. That was my first 10 years in this country. I fucking love hot dogs. And I'm still, to this day, I'm still a Sabrek guy. I'm still a Sabrek guy. And I almost recently, a buddy of mine put an ad out that he was selling his hot dog truck. And there was nothing in the world that I would want to be do more than to buy a hot dog truck. I want to buy it. Is it still around? I even call him 25 grand flat. His name is Bobby Bend. He's had the business in front of shop, right? in front of the pool hall and movie theater for the last 28 years, but he can't do it no more because it's too much of a hall fan from South Jersey. So he put it on Facebook, and I called him and said, how much are you charged?

He goes, I want 25 grand for everything, the onions, I got chili, I got everything, the cart, the business. You could move into the cart in front of the hot dog plate. You know, keep it existing there. I have a hot dog cart. Oh, my God. And I love it. But so you like the Sabret?

I'm a Sabret guy. I like the, there's a place in both. Both. I love them. There's a place in Boulder. You know, Chicago makes it tremendous. Fucking unbelievable. Unbelievable.

With the pickles, fucking tremendous. You know, don't get me. Don't think I'm one of these fucking jerk dogs. The New York, listen, I was 418. I did the longest yard, and I was 4'8 fucking teen, okay? And that ain't on Wendy's or McDonald's. But I tell you, it was something who makes a nice dog, the Cuban. The Cuban at home dopes up a dog like a fucking savage.

It's all what you put on it. What you put on it. A Cuban will cut the dog, fry it with the onions in the frying pan, and put mustard as they're cooking it, and moving around. Really? And then put it on the fucking bun. Tremendous. But then you got a place like Scoobies in Hollywood that you go in there.

There's a problem that they've done to the hot dog in this country. They've reinvented it for no fucking reason. Listen, I'll go eat your hot dog, but at the end, when I walk to the car, and I'm not cheap, when I walk to the car and say, wait a second, I just got three hot dogs and I order of fries for $32. In Hollywood, that's what is when you go to Scoobies. They've got the best lemonade you've ever had.

But you're right. Now, I was in Chicago and checking the places out because it's Chicago dogs. So I went to Portillo's. They have one here. It went apart. Okay. And that's right. They're for sale.

But I had... I heard the whole chains for sale. They got too old. A billion dollars. Wow. A billion dollars leave. Damn. For a fucking steak place.

That's incredible. Burger place. Burger. No, not even burger. It's Italian sandwiches. Where you should go? The hot beef with the sausage. God damn.

That's the best, isn't it? God damn. What he should go is what Paula's mom makes, the Mexican, the meat they do fried bacon around the hot dog. That's another angle, too. Oh, my. And then they put, like, man. The street dogs would be good. The problem with the street dogs is they use a shitty hot dog.

Exactly. If they use the quality hot dog with the bacon, then you got a fucking hot dog. They use a sobrette, a Vienna. A Vienna. A Nathan's. Now we're cooking with fucking gas. Let me tell you something.

Rhaps about three years ago. Nobody knew about this. Ramps right here on Sherman Oaks. They had a special for once. Two fucking Nathens and a soda for $2. Nobody fucking knew about it. I was the only Jews. that went in there and all of them.

There was Jews walking around me. Nobody would stop for a hot dog. I'm in there eating fucking two for $2 until I'm blowing up. So I go to Portillo's and I had this our PR person with me. So we got the big Italian beef sandwich with all the peppers on it and extra sauce. And we cut, we shared it. And then we got a hot dog. And the hot dog, you know what they use?

They steam them and they use an Oscar Meyer hot dog. It's the last hot dog I would think as I view. as a quality hot dog. Not bad. And it was delicious. It's what you put on it. But see, I like, I think for my restaurant, I want them fried. I want them split down the middle and grill.

Yes, I like them grilled too. But give them options. You grill it, put it open. Yep. Put it back. Toaster bun. Nothing pisses me off when they give me a cold bun. You got a toast the bun.

And I'm not talking about sit there. Just put it over the thing while you're staring and talking to me about it. Did you see the game last night? Look at that girl's ass. It's a magic fucking trick. It's a magic. Magic trick. Eat the fucking bun, you cock sucker. They give you this cold fucking bun with a hot dog, and it throws your intestines off.

The buns are always hot at the bunny rams. The bunny wrens always. The bonny wands always has hot buns. The hottest buns got to be to get. I love you, motherfucker. Let me give a shout out to these sponsors here. Okay, who are they? Because I want to support it. All right, let me give a shout to these people who watch the show.

They're going to be fans of yours. Jeffrey Wheeler, Henry Villatoro. Happy birthday. West Bank's happy birthday. Happy birthday. Joe Rook. I love you. sexy bitch, Ben Christie,

Mike Davidson from the UK, and listen to this name. Armando Salgado. He's got about 10 cousins on that fucking bus coming up. That talk suck. He's got a poster of Obama and fried chicken. Is that Anita Wad? I need a Wad

right there? I think so. She likes to watch the show. I need a Wad. I need a Wad. I like that. I like that. You throw him to be the fuck off here. You know what I'm saying? First off, somebody had to hook you up with his Aubrey on it. On it is the next level.

It's not a supplement than a fucking future. What does it do for you? Honet has a thing called Alpha Brain. It's like giving your mind cocaine without the habit. And it makes you very aware. It makes you very, your dreams become more vivid. You become very clear. Alpha Brain is a great product.

But they also got into the protein product. They use hemp protein. It's a cleaner protein. They also have a product called... New Roos. Shroom Tech. Shroom Tech is one of my favorites, because it gives you, they use silo-silven fucking mushrooms.

I'm saying it right. They use mushrooms and they increase your fucking oxygen intake. They're tremendous. They have a shroom tech before you get on a flight, so it boost your immune system. No, you don't trip. Then they have it before you work out, and you get some more. You don't get Mojiris energy. That stuff sounds great.

So you've got to Haute.com. It's owned by a friend of mine, Arbery. Tremendous. He sends me a product. I take of myself. Like I said, I love this. I want the bunny ranch to be this. the International Test Center for this stuff.

For fucking, tremendous. We're going to hook Honit up with you. So go to Honet.com and press. Church. In the fucking box, just like that. Bam! C-H-U-R-C-H in case you got to fucking C and spelling. Put it in there, get 10% off,

and sign up for the On-It program where they send it right to your house to first of the month. So that's what you got to do. You got to get a program where we just mail a piece of fucking ass to your house on the first of the month. They come in.

They suck al-a-meek. They do some fucking. fucking head socks and they go right back to fucking the bunny ranch. I can see the UPS driver delivered an Ava in a big box. Oh my God, wrapped up with roses with a fucking chocolate ice cream

bun on your little monkey. With a return label. Yeah, they come right back to be back in a hour and a half. Don't strand me in the middle of nowhere. No, no, no, we're going to come back and get you. What other sponsors we got? We got Huluplus.com. Oh, you know what? Let me tell you about Hulu. Talk to me. Huckers use Hulu.

Oh, yeah, we do. Be like the hookers, get Hulu. Because it works. They catch up on all that. See, Hulus are up. Hulus, listen, if you're a real hooker after 8 o'clock, you're doing things. Okay, you ain't got time to sit down,

watch Modern Family and say, look how cute the fucking gay guy is. You're on all fours. You got a guy by the fucking neck. Who's moaning? Did you hear that shit? I was, I might hallucinate. I heard it, too.

You heard it too? Somebody's getting fucked in the building right now. See, wherever you are, somebody's getting that dick suck. It's true. 40 feet away. I love it. That's the type of energy you forget. Hulu Plus, they're tremendous, all right? I think Hulu is the best thing going right now.

Hulu Plus has niche program. Watch Hulu anywhere, any time, and any devices, iPhones, iPads. Here's the beauty. $7.99 a month. $7.99 a month. What's that fucking $96 a year to get unlimited programming? They're going to get the Sipsons. Starting in September, they're going to get the Sipsons. Go to Hulu Plus.com Press. Joey. In the box, get two weeks for free.

Listen, some people, if you go to the commercial, if you're sitting at home tonight, jerk it off, you're going to watch it for $7.99 a month. Great, that's great.

I give you two weeks on the yard for free. Talk to my man, Dennis Hop. See if you can walk in the bunny ranch and say, hey, give me two weeks

of a fucking rim job for free. Then I'll decide if I want to sign it. That ain't gonna fucking happen. Hulu does it because we're with Hulu. Hulu's with us. We're with them. They're with us, all right? Can I go to your website and find all this?

Yeah. Hulu plus. What's your, okay, but what's your, Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz. And I got banners on all of them. The same thing, Dollar Shave Club. This is a great one for you. Listen, all these girls.

They do some shaving. They're shaving. They're shaving. You got to do something special. You've got to get a Filipino to come over with your fucking pigeon juice and rubble on your assholes. Those are the only people that would shave your assholes are Filipinos. Right or wrong. What's pigeon juice?

Pigeon juice. They use pigeons for everything with your Filipino. They've been magicians. They do everything. They fucking rub them One time we were at this third show And this girl had a big party And it's just like

Oh it was $20,000 or something Hours since you can buy a Filipino family for that For 20 Gs they'll show up Completely all fucking day It's over anyway Listen you gotta go to the supermarket You gotta go wherever staying online You gotta buy those razors

If you don't buy the right razors It gives you when you're eating pussy You can see all the stumbles You don't want to do that Or razor burn Nobody likes that. is this. And if not, you've got to pay 20, 30 bucks for a raise, and it comes with a flashlight, a hood, a stereo, an iPad. You don't need that. You need two blades, you need some aloe or

that fucking monkey. What dollar Shave Club is this? They mail the shit to your house. They are a dollar a month, $6 a month, or $9 a month. You go online, you sign up. They also have one wipe Charlie's. You know what the one wipe Charlie is? No. You wipe your little muffler in or your helmet, and it smells like peppermin' patty. It's Christmas every fucking It smells like Santa Claus's wife, some kid dick. It's heaven and patties. What else they got, dog?

They got everything. They got the shave butter. They got the shave butter. I mean, tremendous shit. Really? The razors are fucking tremendous. Okay? The razors come to your door

on the first of the month. You get an email like on the 29th. They tell you your razors are on the way. What package you want to go to is what you want to go to? The dollar package, you get a single blade. That's great, too. The fucking blade they give you. The hammer,

you can hit somebody as a weapon. I take them on the row with me. I shave with them. That's why I cut my fucking face. Number two, they got the $6 plan. They give you two blades, all right?

Then you got the fucking $9 plan where they give you two blades and allo, and then they send them right to your mail. You don't go to go online. You don't got to get no fucking much. What one of those blades last you for a week or two? Two, three weeks.

I don't even use them all. That's how good day on. I'm not even bullshit you, not because they're my sponsor. I use this myself. Hulu plus my wife uses. I use on it. I don't fuck around.

Right here, look. Hit E... Wait a minute. One of the dollar shave club, press... Church. In the box and get two weeks for free, $7.99 a month. That's... That's...

That's Joey. That's Joey. We'll make up your fucking mind. Why are you confusing? No. Hulu Plus is Joey. He just mixed... Hulu Plus is what?

Joey. All right. And Dollar Shave Club is... Church. To make up your fucking mind. You got me all confused. You know I ain't an edible. Oh.

All right. Now I want to welcome my new sponsor. Hit E6.com. whether you want a cigar, whether you want fucking a cigarette, don't get you off the cigarettes. I say you want to quit smoking, boom. You got a 24 milligram to get the party start.

After a week, you're going to 16. After another week, you go to 8. After another week, boom, you're smoking a cigarette with no... Negotine. Thank you, Lee. It's good to have you on my corner here. You fucking stuttering cucketucker.

Now, you get this right here. Here these things. You know why I like them? They're better tasting, and they last long. We've been puffing on this cigar all night. Lee, not tremendous. or what? Tommy and I feel like going to the Bunny Ranch right now,

smoking a cigar, and blowing it. Some chick's fucking face if you were there right now, like Don't callione. Sure you would. That would be amazing. Don't fuck around. I've watched you guys smoke these all night long. All night long.

Come on. Yeah, and you're loving it. I like the cigarette one, but I also, this cigar is perfect. You go to Vegas. I go to Bunny Ranch, nobody's feeling is going to hurt. Hey, Chubby, get the fuck out of here with that cigar. You're never going to hear that shit.

I love these things. I'm a firm believer in these things. Wouldn't you enjoy having a nice hot chick blow you while you're smoking a cigar? I'm going to do a lot of things. I just don't want. That's no great. I want to pick her up and eat her ass and fend her very gently. You're an oral guy.

He's so oral. Oh, I love all. That's my world because I come in a minute and a half, two minutes. That chick destroyed my fucking fucking machine. Before I met this girl, I was a dry hump machine. I used to dry hump bitches until they couldn't walk home. They would have to call that Follers to come get them. I was a dry-humping motherfucker.

I'd get that fucking dick and pile it to that fucking Lee strip because you always got that Lee Jean strip. Oh, yeah. In the 70s girls, more leaves, that's it. And those Lee's had that strip. You dry hump the Lee. Forget it. I get excited just thinking about it.

You know. What the fuck, Lee? Go to hit e6.com right now today. These are my favorite out there that better taste in their last long. The cigarettes, they got a fucking deal like 12,000 fucking pups. You know how many pups is that? you'll be puffing. I think one pet one of them is equal to four packs of cigarettes.

I can see you going to Hulu and sitting around smoking your E-Sig all night long. All night like a doctor. After you shave. After you shave? Oh, of course. You shave your nuts and you shave somebody's muckoole? There's a trick to saving your nuttack. And so this saver would be the ideal thing.

I'm telling you right now. Hennyss.com. Go to the box and press what? Joey's Church. Joey's Church. J-O-E-postrophe-S. No, no, no. check what? No, I'm fine. All right, whatever. C-H-U-R-C-H. Joey's Church, go there right now.

Get 20% off anything. And last week they were giving away free cigars and free cigars. I think you got one for like a dollar. Yeah. Yamika with a cigar. What's all this going to cost? It costs $7.99 for Hulu. $7.99 for Hulu. And it's going to cost me a buck a month for the shave. Right. Where are you going to go up in grade? Okay, six bucks. So now I'm in this 14 bucks. Right. Okay. And an E-Sig, what's that going to a cigar?

It's going to cost you $20. $20. $20.00. You get $4. hours off that and used the cold. Well, free shipping, by the way. But they last you forever, apparently. So you're like $34. You're only going to puff these at night. You're not going to puff them all day like a Puerto Rican. No.

You're not going to puff these at night. No Puerto Ricans allowed. You're not going to go out of Rican. You're a funny motherfucker. We're trying to have a good fucking time. It's Monday night, and I'm happy you came down to it. I had a great job of Ava. I had such a good time.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you for smoking. We got a little high. He, he, he, indelible. Lee HACA. You know, I was going to start to show and out you guys and say, I'm the only one that's going to make sense

tonight because these two are so fucking high. But you guys did good. You guys maintain. We're functional. We're functional. I'm amazing. And I ate like a smore. I haven't eaten an edible since the podcast,

the line podcast up at the Ice House. And they got this new smore that they dip it in THC butter. The lady said try it. Get out. So I ate one of those. I brought you that. Those things are tremendous able.

Enjoy those. The Green Hornets? It's cute. It looks like a little jolly rancher or something. Yeah, they taste tremendous too. We only ate a half of it. Yeah, it's a gummy. Let me tell you what happened.

I left my fucking edibles alone. I left it in the car and it melted last week. I took it home. I put it in the freezer. I came back to me and Lee split it. How high I would? Oh, my God. You went home and seen the Jewish level, did you know?

No, did these guys that give you these edibles? Do they advertise on your show? No, no. I bought those. They should, though. You know what they used, though. We used to do something when we'd get free edibles. I think they switch marketing people.

They switch their marketing around. But they're good. Well, then we should motherfucker them then until they come back. Nah, they're okay. Dennis, it was a fucking pleasure. Ava, I love you, all in my heart. You're beautiful. I wish your luck in your medical career,

and I'm happy you did this. We should have the balls to take the world by the fucking balls. Got it. You guys are fun, and I can't wait to get you up there. You guys got to come. Yep. Tomorrow, I'm calling Wayne. Tomorrow.

I'm going up then. I'm calling Wayne to book a date. I'm going to hold you to it. You don't want to, don't have my feelings. My birthday party is September 13th, a private party, okay? And the owner of the Lakers and I have a joint birthday party for 18 years. Everybody you ever wanted to meet on Celebrity Rehab will be there. And it's a fun party.

There'll be 200 girls there, and it's a perfect time. It's a party you can bring your wife to if you wanted to, or if you just want to do a little eating, a little munchado. You could be munching on a bunch of them. September 13th, Lee, I'm open that day, Cox. second. You're open too. I don't want to hear that. You're going to some floor. Where did you go? Tell them where you went last Friday. Where? Tell them where you went to do last Friday. Oh my girlfriend. We did a cooking

class, a crepe class. Should I smack them now or fucking later? Hey, you ate, you ate the crepe? I like that. Cripes are great. I'm sure they bonded. It's funny awesome. I'm going to give, I'm going to get Joey set up with the bunny buffet. And that's, that's four girls all laying on the bed next to each time. Let's get her on the phone. Oh, I'd love to have. It's a round-up. You start on one. It's a Neapolitan, okay?

And then you start off with a blonde, and then you go to the redhead, okay? And then you go to the brunette. That's the Neapolitan. And then we throw in an extra scoop of chocolate for the fourth girl. That's the same present that Ed Tutor Jones gave Hollywood Hedison for his 28th birthday when they were Dallas Cowboys. Really?

Wow. And you can relive that experience. Fuck, yeah. In fact, I got invited tomorrow to go to the Raider Cowboy game, my baby gets carsick. They're doing right here, Thousand Oaks, you know, Oxfah, Oxtar. That's where their training camp is. So somebody said, they're going up there, they have passes,

that they have a place for the children to play. I would have fucking canceled everything. They're not up there tomorrow. You're coming to my birthday party. I love you, man. I'm flying up here, and we're going to have some fun. What's the website they go? Bunny Ranch.com.

Find us online shopping in the world. We make Amazon look like. Nothing. When you got hot chicks, you got it all at Bunny Ranch.com. And watch our HBO show. Set your TiVo. It's called Teahoe in our world. And it's on Hooker Box Office, Cat House. Hooker Box, that's what HBO means. I really, that's a lot of you. I'm going to tell you, because you're a New Yorker, an East Coast guy, the real ending to the Sopranos. Now, Meadow, first of all, it was two years. Okay. And you're going to find out why it took two years to get that last show. runs into the restaurant, remember? And Tony and his wife are eating, having dinner, and Meadow runs in and it went black. But what you didn't hear, because they cut it out,

is Meadow says, Dad, Mom, I got accepted at the Bunny Ranch after two years. That's why it went black. You like that, cocksucker? Yeah. I love you. I love you guys. Thank you for watching.

Thank you to Dennis. Thank you again, Ava. You are a trip to paradise. The flying Jew, who's better than you? Nobody. And my man over here from Newark in the house visiting. Do you have any shows come out? I got nothing.

I'm going to Paduca. I'll be doing a show Friday night at a coffee shop, Padoca at my family's reunion. I don't know the name of the coffee shop. I'll find out. Let you people know. Beside that, I'm home. I'm having surgery under 26, so I'm home.

Good luck. What are they doing to it? Orthoscopic. Meniscus? arthritis. I'll be in the pool when the stitches come out. I'll be fucking. The rehab is the trick.

The rehab is the hopetois. And I didn't do it. good job on that. I need to do more. Good night. We love you. Stay Blackcock Suckers. Headily. Oh my goodness. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge

on thousands of hit shows anytime anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com or go to joey-dia.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for a doll'shapeclub.com. Get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail Now go to dollar shape club.com forward slash church or just go to joey dyes.net and click on the dollar shape club banner

shows also sponsored by on it.com go there for alpha brain new mood swim tech convenience board use code word church to get 10% off and go to hit e6.com and use code word joey's church to get 20% off of some really cool vapor pens