The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #203 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 10, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, October 10th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings, Better Help & Bluechew…   DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org/chat (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), call/text TN REDLINE 1-800-889-9789 (TN), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA).   21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. New customer offer void in NH/OR/ONT-CA. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Valid 1 per new customer. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 wager. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Ends 9/19/22 @ 8pm. Early Win: 1 Early Win Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Token expires at start of eligible game. Min moneyline bet $1. Wagering limits apply. Wagers placed on both sides of moneyline will void bet. Ends 1/8/23 @ 8pm ET. See terms at sportsbook dot draftkings dot com slash football terms.   BLUECHEW Visit https://www.bluechew.com and use code JOEY   BETTERHELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month of online therapy.   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #DraftKings #BetterHelp #BlueChew The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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for more information, safety information. Thank Bluetooth for sponsoring the joint. Let's get this party started. It's Monday morning. I got time to fuck around. What's going on, you bad motherfuckers?

It's Monday. 10, 10. The 10th of the 4th of the fucking. fucking month already. October, I don't know if you guys remember or not. My fucking,

this is the, this is the anniversary of my career fucking taken off. It was, Felicia and I did the show at someplace on fucking,

I can't remember the name of it. And we did 10, 10, 10. That was October 10th of 2010. This was before Lee came on the scene.

We went down there and it was a great fucking show, so I'll never forget that. And it won't happen again. like the 10-10 whatever any who gives a fuck it's monday cock suckers i'm ready for a great fucking week i got a lot of shit going on this week the show at sony hall was great last night

or saturday night i did mediocre my new bits worked thank fucking god at least they were in the ballpark uh and that's always great but i got to come up with some more shit kim connum was great sarah winchuk was great lee was fucking really good last night to the point where I was sitting there listening to him and I actually had to get up and go to the corner of the stage and watch him

and it was very fucking impressive to see. Like I came home last night and usually after a show I'm wired. I didn't fall asleep till fucking four in the morning Saturday night. I couldn't stop thinking. You just get home so wired.

You know, you see so many things and your mind processing them. Especially in a venue like that, there's a lot of fucking people going on. A lot of people there. A lot of, I saw some friends of mine from high school. And, you know, it was just, it's a lot to fucking put together while you're there. But when I get home and then, I usually, Lee came over, watched some TV. He left.

We watched the honeymooners to like 1230 with my daughter. And then everybody went to bed. And I just made some notes of my material. I listened to the set a little bit. And, uh, but Lee stood in my mind. because it's fucking crazy how if you're around something, just being around something. Like somebody told me one time if you're hurt,

at least go to Jiu-Jitsu once a week and sit on the side and watch, so you're still in the game, you know? One of the biggest things I ever took from Gene Hackman. I love Gene Hackman as an actor. I don't know if you guys know who Gene Hackman even is. He was in the French Connection, a bunch of great movies. but Gene Hackman said something He goes, you know, most movie people, film actors

When they're shooting a movie, they fucking go in their trailer and they hide Not Gene Hackman. Gene Hackman goes, I would always sit in the sideline just to watch. And I took that from Gene Hackman And I started doing that, paying attention And I realized how much better I got. I saw actors that would get to a set, say hello, go to a wardrobe, And then disappear and hide.

And then when they call them, they come out, Like, what's going on? I didn't know. No, as soon as I fucking get on a movie set, even if I'm not shooting that day, I'll go to makeup, pick up my clothes, whatever the fuck they need, and I'll sit there,

and I'll watch, and I'll listen. Whether it's fucking L.L. Koojay, John Burntall, or whether it's two fucking actors you'd never heard of. Because I'm going to learn something. I know this because I'm older, but when you're young, you don't know these things. And seeing Lee, I'll make a comparison to Lee.

The biggest comparison to Lee I could make is Eleanor Kerrigan. Eleanor Kerrigan worked at the store for 15 years as a waitress. Listening, watching. When I met Eleanor, we had tons of conversations. She never uttered a conversation to me about fucking doing comedy. Never. And all that time, Eleanor Kerrigan fucking was just a hard working girl. But I still remember her like in 2004.

2005 at the store, Eleanor would give you pretty good advice. Like if you were talking to two comics about a situation you had and Eleanor came over and you were talking, even as a waitress, because of what she learned from Mitzi, she would come over and she could interject in the conversation

and go, hey man, I think you should do this and this and this. And I looked at it on her a couple times. I'm like, Eleanor knows, the comedy game. Exactly. She was a fucking waitress at the world's best comedy club

in the fucking world when Mitzi was still ticking. So she was listening the whole time. She would sit next to Mitzi on a Sunday night in the fucking original room when Mitzi was showcasing people

so she got to listen. She got to learn what the fuck Mitzi was looking for. I don't know as a waitress but that shit still goes into your mind. You're worried about slinging drinks but that still goes in your your mind all those years of of podcasting for lee i mean think about this lee sat in that room

for years and this when we had our own office and we had couches and when people would come in they'd sit you know the podcast was supposed to start at one we wouldn't start the podcast till two 30 and then the podcast was supposed to end at four and we'd be in there till seven talking comedy with the comedian or if it was an agent or whatever the fuck So Lee being around that Listening That went into his fucking psyche Not that he was thinking about it

He was probably thinking of editing a podcast Or how he was going to deal with the 2,000 milligrams of edibles He ate that fucking day But even in that fucking condition He was listening And while I was watching him I could see little things You know and it's

I tell people all the time We're always in a rush As human beings were always in a rush And listen, I get it. I fucking get it. I was one of those human beings that when you're involved in something, you want it to happen fast. You want it to happen fast.

You want it to happen fast and now. And then one day as a comedian, as a musician, as a writer, you get smacked. Something happens, a situation. Not that you get smacked in the face, but you get smacked. Something happens. and that'll teach you to slow it down a bit slow it down listen to what's going on

understand what's going on instead of talking listening if you're a fucking fresh out of college and you're around two guys that make films and they've made films before what are you talking about why are you even talking listen you know god gave you ears not to fucking talk with to listen and i love that gift when i start to the podcast, I didn't want video. We never wanted video. And I tell you why, because I wanted people to get back to listening again. I loved the concept of listening.

I grew up listening. You know, I listened to albums. I listened to Richard Pryor. I listened to fucking, you listened, okay? I don't think people put that time in. They want too much up front. As soon as they get into something and they get going, they want too much.

and they don't understand. And that's why I hate when comics weren't ready, go to Los Angeles. And I know what you're saying, Joey, why not? I'll tell you why. Because you're around people that are talking a high-level game that what your game is.

And what will happen will make you rush. Like, I want to get there. I want to get that. Well, you don't understand that these two guys that are saying this shit have been at it for 20 fucking years. So we get, fucking ahead of ourselves and that's okay guys guys i did it everybody does it but once you realize

it's a journey you slow it down you pay attention and you listen i feel in today's world i felt this 15 years ago that people weren't listening anymore it's like when people put a special out netflix or hbo it's always an hour special what are they finding out through algorithms people don't watch a whole hour I'm sorry people watch 28 minutes and shut it down the kid calls them

UPS is at the door plus listen if the special is that interesting to them UPS won't be at the door they don't give a fuck who's at the door but after 20 minutes you're sitting there and it kind of gets scale so that's why people have cut down

that's why Netflix jumped into 15 minutes specials That's why now these comics that are doing their own marketing, watch what they're doing. They're not putting up our specials on a fucking, it's all about the clip today. It's about the 10-minute clip, the 8-minute clip. People want to see everything. That's why I tell all these young comics, I can't wait to get a special for what. What are you going to happen?

We're bombarded with specials. The best thing you could do as a young comic is every eight weeks put together a goal that you're going to put seven minutes up, a seven-minute video. And let me tell you something, like I've said before. In the old times, when I got into comedy, the only exposure you had was from 7 to 10 or 11 on the news when the news came if you were an actor, if you did a sitcom. That's the only thing. Now, you're on a stage 24 hours a day.

When people go into work at 9, when people are working from home, and they put that fucking rock on the mouse to let the employee know they're watching or whatever the fuck people do. And then they got their iPad. They're watching stand-up or they're watching clips or listen to podcast or But it's all in the fucking short realm

But we got off to the to the wrong talk here With fucking listening and stuff like that It's always a play Like if somebody If you want to be a mechanic Okay if you grow up fucking working on cars With your dad your uncle Whatever the fuck

And one day you go I want to be a mechanic And you go to Training or something like that The first fucking You don't go into that place as a fucking mechanic. You go in there as a mechanics helper and let's pray that you have a good mechanic that you could apprentice from. And he's going to teach you a few things. You're going to watch the other mechanics and learn.

That's why I always like the concept of the comedy store. She considered a university. It was a four-year program. And for a guy like me, it was a 10-year program. It really was a 10-year program because I got in there in 97 and I stayed in there. all the way to about 2006 until the shit went down. And then I took a seven-year gap, and then I went back there again.

But my prime education with those 10 fucking years, those 10 years with Mitzi in that store and made me a fucking killer. And it was not only because I was performing, but because I was performing with higher-level comedians. I was in there with Bill Burr and fucking Paul Mooney and fucking Eddie Griffin and Rogan. And, you know, back then it was different

than the comics that are now. but being around that level of comedy picks you up you'll learn it's like you know what's the guitar player from zizi top that dude was like somebody's guitar player oh hendricks he was yeah he was a 14 year old

with fucking hendricks nobody talked to him then now he's fucking you know she's got legs he's got a beard you know what I'm saying uh the singer the guitar player from journey Neil Sean fucking played in the band when he was 15

for one of those fucking motherfuckers he was in the band and what do you think you think people talk to him when he was 15 in the band like every time he raised his hand like kid shut the fuck up

you don't even have hair on your dick shut the fuck up are you doing the are you drinking tonight no shut the fuck up go back to your room and do homework

but eventually from learning keeping his mouth shut that's what you become what you are today so when I see Eleanor or when I see fucking Lee like Lee really impressed

the shit out of me Saturday night he really did and I tell people all the time that the pieces start coming together you know and now Lee will go up to Boston Lee's head, Lee is in LA right now today and he's got like 20 spots this week he's going back to L he's doing Bakersfield

and shit. Lee's into it so all those years on that podcast listening listening taking edibles I was making them pass out and see the devil and go to Mars. At least I had now the space. All that, through all that shit, he was still listening. And Saturday night was the fucking fan.

I'm very proud of him. I'm very happy that this is, because we had lunch or we had, we ate something here Friday night with my wife when we're talking. He goes, I really want to give stand up a chance. And I was, hey, listen, man, whatever the fuck you want to do, you know, in this life. Whatever you want to do, you can do it. And he told me why. He goes, I really want to get the same reason I tell people all the time.

The reason why I went back to Jitsu, the first time I learned that I was okay, but I felt I didn't do it any justice. And this time, I'm going in there the right way. And that's the same thing he said. He goes, I didn't think I was doing it right. With the fourth wall and all the bullshit, he goes, I just didn't think I was doing it right. So I just want to do it again and see where it takes me. He goes, I don't want to be 50 and say to myself, I didn't. and fucking do this.

So I wish him all luck in the world than it was just a great show. Sarah Weincheck was funny as shit. She hit me with a fucking joke that was so funny. And Kim was fucking tremendous. Kim, I could, you know, I asked Kim last night, how long have I known her? And she goes, 11 years. And I go, Kim, when I met you, it was just a young girl with fucking ponytails, you know, cracking jokes at the store.

You know, knocking motherfuckers out with. at the rap battle. She's like the rap battle championship, right? Roast battle, rap battle. I don't even fucking know. And you watch these girls. Like, you see him at the store and you say hello and you talk to them and you chit-chat with them.

And I told him to a face last night, I go, Kim, it's great to see that you've grown up into a woman. I've watched you. You know, there's another girl that when I first got to the store in 97, she was a young kid. Kaira Soltanovich Fucking great comic Tonight Show

You know I knew Kira When she was just a young girl And then you know Things I stopped going to the store I didn't see her for years And the next time I saw Kira Sotanovich She had kids And she was

Fucking beautiful She had grown into a fucking woman To see that It's fucking tremendous To see them 10 years later And she's got a boyfriend and she's doing great. Her comedy was off the chain.

And guys, I know I'm a little partial to Sarah Weincheck and Kim's podcast. It's great. I think it's really fucking great. I love watching it. I set it on stage Saturday night that whenever I watch that podcast, it's like listening to the song,

Girls Just Want to Have Fun by Cindy Lauper. When that fucking song first came out, I wanted to kill Cindy Lauper. If I were saw on the street, I would have pulled her fucking pink hair out of her head. because I was 21. I was a half a fat Catholic kid. I didn't want girls to have fun.

You know what I'm saying? I want to marry you. I want to have kids with you. I don't need you down seaside fucking 20 guys all summer and coming back and saying you love me. I don't need that shit. I don't need that shit in my life. You know, you're fucking stupid when you're 21.

So I hated that fucking song. But then the years went by. I had a daughter. And now I see girls and I'm like, I love when girls are just out there fucking around, not giving a fuck. and Kim and Sarah are fucking doing that. And I love that podcast.

They say some shit on there that is wrong, but it's funny at the same time. And, you know, when you have women in your life, you got to support them. And that's, it was great. It was just fucking great. But something really weird happened last night. Because I asked Mike,

when we were driving into the city last night, there was a lot of traffic on the three. And Route 3 is the route that takes you into the Lincoln Tunnel, past McKinley school where I went to school, past fucking my mother's bar in Union City and then but people were stopping last night to take a picture of the full moon.

On the fucking highway, people were getting out of their car stuck in bump and bump in traffic getting out of their fucking car and taking pictures of a full moon. And I know and I said to myself as I was going in there, I go, whoo, this is a fucking super full moon tonight.

I wonder what the city has to offer tonight. I didn't even think about nothing. I just said to myself, I wonder what the city has to offer tonight. Because New York City is always a fucking party. Never mind with a full moon, and the weather was beautiful last night. It was fucking great out last night. Get into the fucking city last night. I mean, we got there

early, early, early. Everything worked out. We got in there, okay. The food was great. Laughing Gas. I want to thank you guys for fucking coming out. I want to thank the Philly guys, the silly guys. The silly guys. with the, what's the name of the company? These fucking tremendous, oh my God. These things last night, these fucking sillies,

psychedelic mushroom, these gummies. Oh my God. I want to thank them for sending out a bag to give out to my friends in New York. They fucking loved it. And let me tell you something about this company. I love them because they're doing, every time I post one of their pictures,

there's always these geniuses on Twitter. Oh my God, they're not psilocybin. Shut the fuck up. We don't give a fuck what you got to say. Go get into an argument with somebody on Instagram or some shit about what your thoughts are. I really don't care. This is a tremendous company,

and I've said it 20 fucking times. I wish I could invest in them because all these people are microdosing, this is the easiest way to fucking get it done. They taste good. I was fucked up last night. Guys, I must have ate three or four of them, and at one point I looked at Lee in the fucking backseat of the car,

and I'm like, wow. Lee looks fucked out. You're right. He was like, no, I'm starting to see things. And I swear to God, he didn't say that

and 10 minutes later. I was looking at a fence and the grass was moving in front of it and the shit was moving over. I just looked my fucking head straight. I know you motherfucker was seen the video I put up on Instagram after the show of us going home

with the fucking chicks with the little Indian things that were Puerto Ricans shaking their ass on the street. New York City was in full effect last night. When we got out of there, I got the, fucking see.

I love it. I love when I see this city like that. And then you hear what? It was so funny because the one video I was asking people, hey, you're thinking of a COVID booster? You're thinking of a cut to free MET tickets for a COVID booster? Millions of people on the street. People are looking at me like, COVID booster.

I even said free MET tickets for tomorrow night's game and a COVID booster. People were like, fuck you. Nobody was there. And right away, Instagram put on the bottom, COVID information, you know, the whole thing. But there was some Puerto Rican chick shaking their ass. Oh my God, they were fucking tremendous. But for some reason, there was a lot of people walking around with little feathers on last night. Did you see that last night?

Like when we were walking out, I don't know what type of Indians they were. I don't know if they were fucking celebrating Indigenous Day, fucking Monday. But I love New York City. You know, there's certain people, listen, I'm too old for that city right now. But when I was 20, 21, I was over in that mess every first. fucking night and I've loved it. I love all that craziness. It's just that I'm fucking too old now.

But let me tell you what happened last night to see you guys know. Listen guys, we're not in good shape at all. And I'm and I keep seeing this and I keep telling people about it every fucking weekend people are acting up on planes.

I just saw something with cruise ships. Did you see this mic? Cruise ships are now going to find you 500 bucks. Take you off the fucking thing and you got to pay for your helicopter ride off the fucking thing. It's 6,000 from Jersey to the Long Island. I can't imagine if you're in fucking Mexico what they're going to bang you out to come get you on a ship. And again, I keep saying this and saying this and, you know, the thing that happened at the

Hollywood Bowl with Dave Chappelle and, you know, I don't know what's going on in the world. People are just not happy. To me, I know what's going on. And the problem is that we were indoors for too fucking long. We got too much crazy information thrown our way. And people are just not handling this shit. Guys, I had a fucking headache for two fucking years. I didn't know what was going on with me.

But I understood. I wasn't right. And I got some fucking help for it. But I think people are walking around thinking, hey, this is great. I knew a guy. For 10 years, I've seen this guy in L.A. Sweetheart of a guy has a podcast. Nice comedian kid.

You know, for years, every time I saw him, he was very, neat nice car ever since a pandemic every time I see him now it's like he gets up in the morning doesn't wash his hair like you know when you get up in the morning you comb your hair you get this guy probably brushes his teeth and doesn't fucking wash his hair and I'm looking at this guy why then I saw a tape of the stand-up and this ain't the same guy I used to see all the time and you could tell where uh people are just something's going on man and last night I don't know if you guys know this i saw it this morning that at uncle vitties and jersey where i usually perform some guy through a fucking can at some girl girl a girl ariel on stage a comedian girl

now i love dino and i love viny and they do great job down there with security and stuff like that i've never had a problem down there but i saw the videotape this morning and it's you know she's talking about what i tell you motherfuckers not to talk about stage and it's politics You know, she got into the Biden-Trump thing and somebody asked her who she voted for and then 10 minutes later she gets a can thrown at her. Again, I'm from the school that for me it's not worth talking about politics or religion

because I don't know enough about politics from time to time I'll throw a religious fact up there that I remember from fucking, you know, Catholic school or something like that. But at the end of the day, she gets a can thrown at her. It hits the fucking wall when she goes to bend over. Now, from the other side of that perspective, if I didn't put my hands on you

or I didn't insult Mike's wife or Mike, there's no reason why Mike should be throwing a fucking can at me ever. Even if I'm up here saying that I want Nixon for president, Nixon's making a comeback. There's no fucking reason why you should throw a fucking can at me. Okay, there's no reason at all. You know, so I just saw a little bit of the stuff on Twitter and I'm sure the guy's going to get arrested today.

whatever, some fucking white trash dude. You know, it's the same shit all over. But then on my show last night in the city, we had a little fucking problem last night. And I didn't catch it until I got off stage. When I got off stage, it was a little commotion going on. And one of the dog guys and the manager came to me and they go, can you go outside and speak to Kim? She's very upset.

I thought I had said something. And I spoke to Kim. I gave her a hug. we talked but I didn't know what was going on and when I go outside she's upset you know she's visibly upset she's crying and I go what happened

and she goes when she got out of stage some guy grabbed a fucking pussy and Kim is you know not the kind of girl that you're going to grab a pussy and get a free fucking swap at it

and she did what any woman would do she went and spoke to security and said this guy so they were went looking for the guy and they couldn't find the guy. So I guess a couple minutes later, Sarah, uh, Sam confronted him and the guy goes, yeah, I grabbed your pussy.

Go fuck you, something. He was bragging about it. And she got pissed off and she went outside looking for him. And the guy was already done like three quarters to win. And I guess Kim went out there and I don't know what happened after that. He fell. You know what I'm saying? Things were not good.

He ended up on the floor and Kim handled the fucking business the way a woman's supposed to. Guys, that's it, you know. And everybody hugged him. We were all happy. And then I woke up this morning and they were talking about it. And Kim posted a fucking thing. Next time somebody grabs a pussy, she's going to shoot him. She's back him from now on it.

And guys, I've seen Kim in action a few times. I saw Kim yelling at some dude once on Sunset Strip. Kim is not the type of person to fuck with, like, in that sense. You know, Kim's got a great personality, and she's beautiful and she's funny, but she's not your typical L.A. fucking chick, you know. And for me, my dick got hard. My dick got hard when I heard that Kim did this. And I'll tell you what.

But before I tell you, I about a word for my motherfucking sponsor, Jack, The podcast is sponsored by Better Help. Listen, sometimes you can fix it on a problem for so long that you don't take the time to find the solution. I got the same fucking problems. But when you learn how to find your solutions, there's no better feeling. A therapist can help you become a better problem solve

and make it easy to accomplish your goals. That's why I'm talking to you about better help. I've been with Better Help for about a year now and they broke it down for me. Dana has given me some exercises to do when things get danged, and I'm living a way better life. For you who don't know it, BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone,

and chat therapy sessions. You can choose not to see anybody, and it's more affordable than in-person therapy, and you're not going to find a personal therapist to see your face-to-face right now. With BetterHelp, I can have you talking to somebody in two days. So when you want to be a better problem to solve, a therapy can get you there.

Visit betterhelp.com slash Dia. Again, visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz and get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. And now back to the joint. All right, you bad motherfuckers, I had to trick you on that one. Don't forget if you haven't mental health issues like we spoke about in the podcast, BetterHelp is always there for you. They helped me out.

They taught me how to do the coping skills and whatnot. And here we are today. I still got a lot of fucking problems. don't have if i had 200 problems now i got 99 of them you understand me so i'm 101 taking care of that's a lot better so a couple years ago maybe 10 years ago a friend of mine called me a girl and she goes have a problem and i go i was doing uh new years with this comic and he was drunk and at the end of the night he grabbed my pussy and i didn't know what to say and i kind of i don't know i kind of was like i'll talk to the guy and she was like no i'm going to do it myself and i guess she cornered the guy

and I never spoke again and I never saw the fucking idiot again. And guys, listen, I treat life the way I treat life, prison, whatever. It's all the same in my world, okay? If people, it's like my daughter, some kid at school kept banging her arm with a pencil.

I go, does it hurt you mercy? She goes, no, but why does he have to do it? I go, listen, don't fucking ask me. Tell him. Tell him what the fuck is going to? going on. Stop with the pencil. And I guess Mercy went in there. She was scared that she was going to get in trouble and that we would be

mad at her. If she stuck up for herself and I go, never. She went in there and now the kid don't fucking hit her with the pencil. I told her to say a couple things to him a certain way. And now the kid sits too behind and I go, he hasn't bothered you? Not at all. And, you know, when you're a woman in today's

fucking society guys, you've got two options of everything. You got the option to take that all these other women took. All these Me Too women took and all these victims. Somebody grab my pussy. It's wrong. What am I going to do? And that's all great and dandy. But that's not going to work anymore, guys. We've got to take this back

to fucking old school, okay? It's like anything else happens. You have to stop motherfuckers in the beginning. Like the way they should have stopped Hitler at Munich. You have to stop people in the beginning. Grab them, whatever, say, listen, I don't appreciate that. This is what, and they'll either go for it or not. and the next time you have a decision to make.

And I understand these things. You know, when you go to prison, what's the word on the street? When you walk into prison, you don't want to get your balls busted? No. As soon as you hit the cafeteria, look for the biggest dude with the most tattoos and hit him in the head with the fucking sandwich tray. You're not going to go to jail. You're already in jail.

You're already in jail. But if you hit him, even if the guy beats the fuck out of you, you go down swinging and people will go, dog, don't fuck with that motherfucker. He hit that dude with the lunch tray in the head that time. That episode goes a long time. And that's why I told my daughter that day, go, if they start busting your balls now in the fourth grade and you don't fucking take control this shit,

by the seventh grade, they're really going to be busting your balls. And by the time you were a sophomore, they're going to eat you up. They're going to eat you to fuck up. You don't want that. You know, in our society, we had fucking retarded kids that fuck with you and you hit them with the lunchbox and they move the fuck on. All of a sudden, in today's society, they're called bullies.

that we've done we've we've created like this big bad wolf for kids you getting bullied now some kids just confused you gotta teach your son how to fucking take it to the next level so this doesn't continue to happen when three goofy kids are like ooh that kid's a nerd you know

we should fucking put a frog in his lunchbox one of those motherfuckers are gonna go you know what that dude's a purple belt jiu jiu jitsu and I'm not in the mood to have my shoulder dislocated not right I got a big fucking, what's that game with the stick they're playing, whatever these little fags? Yeah, polo, whatever the fuck they play, you know. Real motherfuckers are playing basketball, baseball, and fucking tackle football, okay? So that's how you create your life.

With me, I'm not a tough guy. I'm not a tough guy whatsoever. I don't have no fighting skills at all. But I have no problem hitting you in the head with a fucking iPhone. I have no problem putting a gun, putting your fucking mouth. and put you in a trunk in the car. I'd done it before. I got no problems with these things.

These are who I are because this is who I am because I didn't like getting bullied. Or I didn't like people fuck with me. You stop people right there and you say, hey, you can't do this no more. This ain't going to work no more. And if it's done again, people said it to me for years. I had a guy who told me one time the next time you fuck with me on the Coke, we're going to box. We're going to box with a knife.

We're going to stab each other at that. Did I fuck with him again? No, because he came to me like a gentleman. and he spoke to me from the fucking heart. So what Kim did last night was tremendous because now the word gets out. She's not one of these, you know, Harvey Weinstein chick. Well, he, no.

You went to the hotel room, you did the movie, now you want to complain that Harvey wanted to fuck in the ass? Too late! Too late! What the fuck is wrong with you people? And this is why I like this shit. See, for years, I didn't tell my mother's story. For years, how embarrassing is it?

that your mother stabbed somebody you don't ever want to repeat that story to anybody i was embarrassed for fucking years about that story but then i thought about it and i thought about how my mother raised me all those years like when i was a kid at the playground when i was when i first came from cuban and new york i didn't know the english so my mother would give me instructions in spanish you ever listen to the ufc and the coaches are yelling like punch him take them down put the lego my mom would just make little noise like pz and then when i look she's you she go. Tocalo.

Tocalo means touch him. Tocalo suave or to c'a loudo, it means hard. And for years, I had a fucking attack on my mother's whims. That's horrible when your mom sends you to fight somebody. Because what do you tell your mom? No, he's bigger than me? No, you got to fucking put your head down and go in there and wrestle or fight. And that's how my mom raised me for a reason.

I was so proud of my mother years later when I found out that some guy was raping her fucking sister and that my mom went looking for her younger sister and when she found that she was getting raped by some guy my mom broke a fucking vodka bottle or some bottle stabbed them to back two or three fucking times to me that's a beautiful fucking thing and guess what that reputation followed her from cuba all the way to the united states nobody my mom used to bartending a bar by herself till three in the morning in a business that's mostly populated by fucking men bartending a Wednesday night at 2.30 in the morning. Nobody wants to leave a woman in the bar by herself

at 2.30 in the morning. My mom did it. And I knew she had a big knife back there, and I knew she had a fucking shotgun back there, like a double barrel that she would always look at the fucking bullets and shit. You know, and I would never fucking put it past her. I always knew she could fucking shoot somebody because when I was a kid, before I was even born,

she killed somebody. That was a natural fucking reaction. That's the reaction that women have to have in today's fucking, what are you going to keep saying? Bichram, Maloney, blesseded me. Harvey Weinstein touched me. He groped me last week, constant woo. Every day.

These girls cry every day, but they want a TV show. They didn't cry when they went to a TV show because they were to lose a TV show. They got to lose their little $20,000 a week, and they can't tell their friends it's not cool to be TV, so they learn how to live with it while they're taking the $25,000 a week. They don't mind that the guy says, ooh, I like your fucking little Asian ass,

or, you know, he grabs a pussy or whatever. And then after the fucking TV series is gone, now I got to feel bad for Constant Wu because she fucking got molested. You know, enough. Enough. Where were you when you were cashing the checks and having a good time at fucking ABC parties?

You didn't complain that one fucking time, Constant Wu. So what the fuck are you talking about? By the time the show was over, she put a tweet out saying that. Thank God, my show got canceled. she got fucking backlash and then she had to come up with that story that you don't know what was happening to me at the time hello hello so whatever it's just fucking you know you sit here and you watch this shit on a fucking daily basis and you're like what are these people fucking talking

about you know what are these i'm so sick and tired of the sexual fucking bullshit but then you got a girl like fucking Saturday night that handles her own business. So in my world, my dick was fucking hard last night. I don't give a fuck if a girl bust you in the head with a fucking bottle every time you fucking touch her.

And I gotta be honest with you guys, this is how I'm raising my daughter. This is how you have to raise your children today. Because people are out of their fucking minds. And they will try to fucking fuck with you from every direction. You know, Like, what is the sense of this?

What is your fucking point? I mean, guys, I'm a fucking pig. I've always been a fucking pig. But I've never dreamed of just going up to a girl and grabbing a fucking monkey. And you guys know I'm fucking nuts, but nobody at the store could, or anywhere I could ever go. In fact, I had a situation right before. before my daughter was born. And Red Band and I discussed it for a long time

because Red Band, the girl passed away. You know, God rest of soul, she had troubled, it was a real troubled life. And I got pieces of it before she iced herself. She was very sweet. But in 2012, I took the month of December off to be close to my wife in case somebody called, you know, water broke.

She was scheduled for the fucking 13th, for January, but I was always hoping for the tax break, you know, for December. So I kept, you know, thinking positively, and I'm like, she's going to have the kid December 28th, whatever. That never happened. So I scheduled these fucking shows at Flappers. And it's with Jim Jeffries. And Jim was great.

We had a great time. But Friday night I get them, it's me and Jim. and a girl comes in and she goes hi my name is sarah and i uh i'm the social media coordinator or something you know at the time it's 2012 who the fucking knows what social media coordinator is you know i ask her what she did she takes pictures and she's cute and she's young and that's it i thank her and thank you for coming in the room she goes drink whatever you want there's you who's there. Flappers will always put you who's in their refrigerator, which is pretty fucking cool.

So I go up, Jim Jeffries goes up, I go home. You know, I don't drink. I don't go to the bar. The next fucking night, I go into Flappers. I sign in, I tell Barb I'm there, I go in the back, I give Jim a hug. And boom, we're doing our show. And I figure this night, let me stay around and watch Jim. You know, it's Saturday night.

It's an early show. I got nowhere to go. So I'm watching Jim and the social media coordinator comes in, taps me on the shoulder. And she goes, hey man, can I talk to you for a second? Yeah, what's up? And she goes, I'm not really happy with you. I go, well, you just met me last night. Did I say a joke on stage?

Maybe I offended you, which I don't give a fuck anyway. You know, and she goes, no, no, no, no. When we were at the bar last night, you grabbed my pussy. But I go, what? I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I pulled over to the side. I go, what are you talking? What are you saying? And she goes, last night after the show, we were all at the bar, and you grabbed my pussy.

And I go, are you sure it was me? And she goes, positive. I didn't say anything because I go, no, no, no, stop right there. I go, first of all, I left right after my set last night. What are you talking about? And she looked at me. I go, yeah And then right there

The show was over And Jim Jeffries was walking Towards him I go You got a minute I go Did I stay here last night? Maybe I'm missing Maybe the edible was too strong

Maybe I'm missing something He goes no In fact you left before Right He goes you went right from your car Right from the stage to your car That's what Joe he does If it's not my show

What am I doing? What am I know? I got weed and edibles at the house I go dog at those clubs When I used to go to Flappers, I would go, and he wasn't kidding. Because you go in the green room, you go around the back there, and right back there, you don't have to go through the front. You slip out through the back, and you're right there in the parking garage.

So she just looked at us. She just looked at the both of us. And I go, it's okay. She just thought that I left the jacket here or something. And I go, yeah, I don't know what you're talking about. And I go, it's not really cool. And then she left. I went to the back and talked to Jim.

and as I got paid, she came back. And she goes, I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. I must have been really drunk last night. And I'm like, I'm going to accept your apology? This is 2012. Nothing was really going on in my career. The podcast was going a little bit.

I was doing some dates. I go, I'm going to accept your apology. But you really, really have to be fucking careful with this. Like, I'm fucking. fucking it like I was insulted like I'm like this is not good this is a fucking completely false false false allegation to 100% and the girl was like I understand you know it won't happen again I go if you're drinking like this and this is like you're getting into this career this is not this is not gonna work because you will get raped if you're that drunk

you're with a bunch of crazy comedians there was something bad Bad will happen if you don't remember. I didn't see her again. She apologized. She apologized. I didn't see her again. Then I go to the store one night and there she is. She quit flappers and now she was working at the store.

And we spoke and we became friends after that. And, you know, she went on to cause other problems at the store and whatnot. But I'll never forget talking to Red Man. And Red Band said, dog, she kind of did the same thing to me one night. So when I saw her at the store, I stayed away from her for a while just because I can't have this. I can't have somebody accuse you something

because they were drunk. How the fuck are you accusing me of grabbing your pussy when I wasn't even there? That's just not fucking good at all. So I, later on in life we became friends and then this last year she passed away. So there was other problems there that were looming.

You know, As I got to know her, she lost one of her boyfriends. I mean, it was just a hard life for her, and comedy was all she had. So when she made that allegation, I mean, I was fucking floored. I'm like, at that time, I was just trying to fucking do comedy and trying to start headlining and trying to really fucking put it together. And I'm like, this is the last thing I needed in my life. So it bothered me for a while.

Like I said, we became friends later on, I think two years ago before the pandemic. I bumped into it at the store and I'm like, that anybody grab your pussy tonight? It became like a joke. You know, we giggled about it, but there's the shit that happens every once in a while. You know, can you imagine not grabbing somebody's ass and getting in trouble for this shit? So after that, I was like, wow, I would never be fucking cool with this shit.

But I'm really happy that Kim handled it like she did. I'm happy that it's all fucking working. out guys I couldn't be any happier in my life this is exactly how I wanted it it's very slow-paced I pick and choose what the fuck I want to do and I'm just trying

to be a better man all around and be a bit better dad be a better friend and that's all I want to do right now I'll take the fucking hits as they come in you know I'll look at the shows I don't want to get any planes but I'm really happy that I took this residency in the city and I'm really happy

that I'm doing stand-up at the rate where I'm having fun again. You know, I just wanted to have fun, guys. When a great man was told me when you get into comedy it's because you don't want to have a job. And I can live with that. I never wanted to have a job. I can understand that.

But you still have to fucking justify something, you know. If it turned, stand up was becoming a fucking chore for me. I got to be honest with you. It was becoming a chore for me. It was just too much. It was too much getting thrown at you. You know, the game changed a lot over the years. And I just had to get...

And guys are still doing it. And I'm really happy for them. You know, they're younger. They got fresher legs. I'm happy for all these upcoming guys. I'll support them in any way I can. But this is a fucking paradise for me. I always wanted, at this age, for me to back up a little from acting,

back up a little from stand-up, and for the acting to increase a little bit, not a little bit more. I remember last week we were talking about the Hulu project, the pilot, blah, blah, blah. I had to go over that. I couldn't go to his wedding. And I fucking hated that whole thing,

that whole process because they weren't communicating with me. Boom, that went out the fucking window. Friday, I auditioned for Law & Order, organized crime. I got a good shot at that. And tomorrow, guys, is my fucking greatest day ever because I get to read with Robert De Niro tomorrow. Now I know that I've told you guys about other instances

when I got to an audition and when I walked in the room, either John Travolta was there or fucking the guy from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I've had those situations where the actor is in the fucking room, but you're not prepped for it and you shit your pants. Natch, hey dog, you shit your pants, bitch. You will shit your fucking pants. I don't give a fuck who you are. When you walk in there, Travolta's looking at you with those Scientology eyes.

And he's looking at you like you're a masseuse. You shit. And you're looking to read with him. Nah, it's all a joke. But it's kind of fucking intimidating. And this was great. When I got the call last week that I was going to do a live call back with him, the director, the producers, and the fucking casting director.

For a little bit, I got a little nervous. but then I'm like, this is great because I'm prepared. Again, it's not like I'm going in there and reading with a reader. I'm walking in there and I see Robert De Niro, you know, fucking Irishman. I'm going in there, and I know I'm going to go in there and read with him.

So I'm reading, instead of one scene, I'm reading two scenes. I'm meeting them in a fancy fucking hotel. Ballet parking is $90 in the city. When I called and they were like, yeah, how much? 50 last night? That's not bad, but 95.

That's fucking crazy. No, you got to get the guy a tip. The poor little Mexican guys running back and forth, dodging fucking cars. So, yeah, this week's going to be a good week for me. I'm excited that this is happening. I'm prepared, which is the most important. You know, what do they say?

Preparation and whatever equals luck. I don't know. Everybody's always a fucking philosopher. So, yeah, it's going to be a fucking great week, guys. Hopefully we booked this film and we get one more good shot of a great movie. I get to make insurance and nothing happens in my life. You know, it all stays the fucking same. This is the best.

I am so grateful that at this age I'm still being looked at for roles. I thought I was all washed up for a while, but I've had six great auditions the last couple weeks. and let's see what the fuck happens, guys. I got nothing going on this week. I'm probably going to go down to Uncle Vinny's and do a spot down there and see what's going on. And that's all I got, you bad motherfuckers. It's going to be a great week.

We're two weeks away from Halloween. I'm still coming out as a big dick for Halloween or a big black dick. I'm going to dress up. I don't fucking know. I'm not dressed enough for Halloween. I'm just going to have a great time with the fucking girls and do the best that I can.

But guys, it's Monday. I come to you on a Monday, nice short podcast. Wednesday, we have a guest. The podcast this week will be coming out on Thursday. So this week again, we'll have a Thursday morning podcast for you. And that's it and that's that, motherfuckers. Don't forget, you got Monday night football tonight. You got Las Vegas against motherfucking.

Who the fuck is playing Las Vegas? Ooh, Kansas City. It's going to be a great week. You got the Yankees. You got everything. So I love you Motherfuckus. Stay black. And we'll be back Wednesday, Thursday morning.

Tip Top, Magooda, Rock your fucking world. Thank you for being here. Have a great day. Now for a word for my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, I want to thank you motherfuckers on a beautiful Monday morning. But I want to thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast on a beautiful Monday

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