The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #204 | TARA CANNISTRACI | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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Starting point is 00:03:35 My girl Tara is here today. What's happening, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here on a Thursday morning with my girl Tara. Looking good. What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? You know me, Doug.

Starting point is 00:04:44 I know you. What's your last name? How do I say? Oh, Candace Tracy. Okay. We'll just leave it. Tara jokes. We'll just leave with Terry T.

Starting point is 00:04:52 That's it. Is it C? C. See. What's going on? Nothing. Thank you. Welcome to you to the joint.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Thank you for having me. You have a beautiful home. Thank you. Beautiful wife. Thank you. He's all right. He's good looking dude, Mike. I'm happy you made it down here.

Starting point is 00:05:09 Thank you. No, fucking please. When Deino told me you want to come on, I'm like, anytime. She's family, you know. What's going on in your world? What's going on? I'm recording an album on Saturday. You excited?

Starting point is 00:05:20 I am. Is this your first album? I did a compilation. One before this and now What's a compilation album? So it was a few other comics. Okay. And we did one and that one went well.

Starting point is 00:05:31 Okay. And I said, time for my hour. How do you feel about your hour? I feel good. I feel like I want to get it done and put it to bed. And this is audio or audio visual? It's going to be audio and visual, but yeah. And you're taping it at Uncle Vinny's.

Starting point is 00:05:46 No other place to do it. That's such a fucking great place. And I love Dino to death. Oh, my God. It's my jersey. home, you know. But they had some problems this week. Well, not problems.

Starting point is 00:05:57 They just had a situation with some fucking, you know, some white trash dude fucking, chuck the beer can. Chuck the beer can at some people. I mean, I saw your picture and I retweeted yesterday, but the first thing I thought about, I was going to put, like, bring helmets or something to your thing. Catchers met, rather catch a face mask. But you're trying to do a special, you don't want to. But it's always something that's been in the back of you.

Starting point is 00:06:23 your mind. Like for 20 years, I always thought about what would stop somebody from throwing something at you, attacking you on stage, and all of a sudden, in 2022, it's starting you know, this is real now. That girl, if she would have got hit with that beer can,

Starting point is 00:06:40 it would have not been a good fucking night. You heard how hard it was when it hit that wall. And I think he threw it to miss her on purpose, maybe. I hope he didn't throw the can. The BIO would be there. Yeah. No, he was drunk. He was fucking drunk. The dude was, you know, and you know, there's a couple

Starting point is 00:07:00 ways you can attack this, but there's no other ways. There's no reason why you should be throwing anywhere. Anything. Anything. It's only anything anywhere. You know, and I've always said it. I've said that, listen, people are, I did not know this. I did not know that

Starting point is 00:07:15 they just implemented a fine on cruise ships. It's a $500 fine if you act the wrong way. They helicoptered you and you got to pay all that shit out of your own fucking pocket. Could you imagine? They helicopter people off all the time. They helicopter comics off.

Starting point is 00:07:34 If you go on one of those fucking Bahamas or one of those places and you're not supposed to fucking curse. And they tell you like it's in the contract. Oh, if you don't have a clean set? No. And you go up to like there's a lot of guys, i.e., like me, that would do that, like you got to work clean. I'll work clean.

Starting point is 00:07:51 I don't think anybody thinks you're working clean. No, but back then, when you had 30 minutes and you were trying to feature, they'll ask you, you're going to work clean. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll work clean. You're not going to work clean. You go up there, you fuck around, you say shit. They stop the show. They go to your room and clean it out for you.

Starting point is 00:08:09 You're not even allowed to go back to your room, and they helicopter you to fuck out of it. And you can't, you can't. If you're a comic, you can't sleep in any of the cruise guests. Like, you can get kicked off. They have, like, real strict rules. Real rules. You're on one of those cruise ships. It's corporate.

Starting point is 00:08:25 You're not on vacation. No. You're an employee. No. And if you're a comic, you can, you could drink, but you can't have a certain amount of alcohol in your system. Like I have a dear friend that does cruise ships. There was a fight.

Starting point is 00:08:38 He was there. He tried to break him up. When the ship police came, they fucking bretelized everybody. They're fine. He had nothing to do with the fight. Welcome to corporate comedy in America. That's what you want to fucking do. Sounds a lot nicer.

Starting point is 00:08:53 When you're like, I'm cruising around, telling jokes. Sounds a lot. I've never really considered a cruise ship. Like, I've never considered it. Not because I'm a pompous asshole or anything like that. Because that's not to me. That's not what stand-up was intended for. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:09:09 And even then, yeah, music on the ship, you know. Yeah, when the ship is going down. Like, remember, the Titanic? They're playing the violin as the ship was going down. Keep playing, cuttsuck. Listen, I'm swimming. I'm not fucking playing. So, and I can't imagine how it feels,

Starting point is 00:09:23 a woman. See, that happened to a woman the other day. Oh, the can. And that, that's where my fucking shit stops, like, right there. Like, I can see a guy saying something with you, a guy, but a girl, you threw a bottle at a non-assuming white, sweet girl. She handled it like a boss. No, she, and listen, she ate a boss. I heard she drank it. Yeah. I wish, I, I'm the Italian paranoid, you know, hypercontracting me would be scared to such a germ, but, like, the way she just took, she said, she had, like, one split, second and she was like you got to drink this she's gonna go on Kimball now

Starting point is 00:09:57 yeah I think so he retweeted good for her yeah god fucking bless her what made you as pretty as you are get into this fucking terrible fucking career it is you know did you get into it to open up the doors or did you get into it because you enjoyed

Starting point is 00:10:13 standing it was stand up for me and it was stand up for me probably from really early on before I even knew like like we were talking earlier and you know in your living room like I was always drawn to comedy. Like, my aunt would say as little like as two years old, I'd be watching

Starting point is 00:10:29 Johnny Carson and the honeymooners and the Carol Burnett show and I love Lucy. Like, not stand-up necessarily, but comedy. I always loved comedy Saturday Night Live. Like, as a kid, that's what I was watching. You know, it wasn't so much cartoons. I was watching these characters on TV. And then I always wanted to do it,

Starting point is 00:10:51 but you know, you think you can't or you rationalize like, oh, I can't make a living, I have to do this or I have to pay bills or I have to. So I held off doing it for quite a while. And then the show, the last comic standing came out. And I was psyched the first season. Oh my God, I watched every episode. I loved watching people do their thing.

Starting point is 00:11:15 I loved it. Oh, my God, I loved it. And then I couldn't wait for the next season. And then by the time that next season came out, I said, I couldn't watch it anymore. It was bothering me. It was like making me upset. And that's not me.

Starting point is 00:11:27 Like I champion everyone. You want to make boxes and sell them on the corner and you want to bedazzle a cane and my friends want to have babies and get married. I celebrate it. So watch people do their thing and do it and it bother me. I knew that it was because I was suppressing doing it. And I was like, okay, this isn't me. So now what am I going to do? Because now I'm not even enjoying it.

Starting point is 00:11:51 it. I'm enjoying watching other people do it. So I put my big girl pants on and I went and I started What was the first place you performed? The producers club. I was in like an off-off Broadway sketch comedy play and the producer

Starting point is 00:12:07 said you want to do it? Go out every night and warm up the crowd. You know, write your five minutes and go warm up and like the first few nights they'd be like pushing me on stage and I'd be like, no, no, no, no, this was a mistake. And then by the end of the run of the show I was like, is it my time? Am I going? up when are we starting i want to you get that you know get those first few laughs and you're like

Starting point is 00:12:26 this is it whatever this is this is it like the other day somebody goes well what's the end game i go the end game's always going to be being on that stage what you get from it obviously you know it's a platform for other things but for me it's it's always going to be stand up because that's what i really feel like that's what you know you said something that really opened up something for me you know, we were talking about Eleanor Monday and people who were around comedy. I think when you're a kid and you're around it, like I was this fan of Carabinette, the Tonight Show.

Starting point is 00:13:03 Me too. Fucking he-ha. I was a big he-haer guy. That shit made me laugh as a kid. But, you know, I wonder where all this me, like, I loved the fucking English porno guy, you know, Benny Hill. A tit would fall out and shit. I love Betty Hill.

Starting point is 00:13:20 He always did creepy things. Like, I love, you know, but it's so weird. We were, I don't know. You watch all this TV, like, I wonder the people who came from the Saturday Night Live era. I wonder what comics came out from the Sand Night Live era, you know, and just different things that we watch to build your sense of humor as you're growing up and you don't even know it. Right. Right. I knew what I liked, what I didn't.

Starting point is 00:13:45 I knew what comics. I knew what I was drawn to. too. Like, I don't even do the comedy of Carol Burnett. Her physicality, though, all that, those things about her, I was like this. I didn't know what it was. I was four or five watching, you know. I knew my grandmother was laughing and she never laughed. So I knew something was, I wanted to do whatever they were doing.

Starting point is 00:14:03 I just didn't know. You know, one of the biggest surprises I got when I come back to New Jersey two years ago was I came back knowing that the honeymoon is on. As stupid as that is. My favorite. I came in thinking that the honeymoon was on at 11 o'clock every now. still. Boy was at a surprise. I get Seinfeld bumped him.

Starting point is 00:14:21 You know, it's like Seinfeld and creepy fucking shows on Channel 11. But then I realized they would come out on midnight. And the first time I watched it with my daughter, I remember we watched it downstairs. I go, Merseless to watch the honeymoon. It was the one about the Mumbo when he learns how to do the Mombo and shit.

Starting point is 00:14:37 And I got to tell you guys a revealing thing I've never told nobody. It's not theft. It's not theft, because I struggled with this. That episode, I was watching. I'm like, I think I stole a lot of Jackie Gleason's body. And Norton, too. Like, Norton is a fucking champion comic, like champion.

Starting point is 00:14:59 The timing they both had. But when I watch that honeymoon is, and I'm in the, you know, my daughter, and I'm crying, and I'm laughing at the same. Every time my honeymoon's episode comes on, I cry. At some point, when I laugh, I cry because I cannot believe that this still makes me laugh. The time I was in the fucking fifth grade,

Starting point is 00:15:16 I was 10. Now I'm 59. I'm still fucking laughing at the same stupid jokes. And somewhere in that laughter, I cried because last time I used to watch these, my mother was alive. There was so many things. But throughout all that, I did see a lot of this shit I did on stage in Jackie Gleason. And I'm not saying, I stole it from him. Right. And it wasn't.

Starting point is 00:15:38 It's an influence. It's an influence. It's somebody watching somebody over and over. When you said it, I wondered, like, if the guy, you know, when you watch Seinfeld, you watch Kramer, like Art Carney was the first of that come out. Like, he came out of the gate. And you laughed. And when you watch the shows, people are laughing before he speaks his first word.

Starting point is 00:16:00 Because he's walking in, he's looking at a wall, he's doing this, he's trying to. His physicality, you already know he's funny. He's funny before he says a line. And then the second wave of comedy came in my life, and that was Sampin' Son. and Chico and the Man and, you know, I was never a big sign of that live guy. It just did not work for me. I would go home and go,

Starting point is 00:16:22 what is all the fucking yelling and screaming about? This is not this good to me, you know? I just didn't. So I always went, when I watched that and let me know maybe I didn't like clean comedy. I like dirty comedy. So I started listening more to Pryor. So in my world, it's like Pryor, Leeson, you know,

Starting point is 00:16:40 and you see that years later. Not that you should. When we start doing comedy, we emulate someone. Oh, 100%. For you people were at home, who did you emulate? Who did you think? I used to go see, I can never say I've emulated him. But I used to study, because I took it like I had to learn.

Starting point is 00:16:56 I took it like this is just the education. I was going to comedy clubs to learn. For me, I tracked Colin Quinn like, and mind you, I'm never, I mean, I don't do that comedy. I like to think I'm of above average intelligence, but Colin Quinn's on another level of Brilliant. But he was New York, which I can't hide my accent. He's New York, and he's smart and his mannerisms and the way he can, I used to go watch him, you're going to learn.

Starting point is 00:17:23 Even if it's not what you're doing, this is, and I would go wherever he was, you know, to watch him and do things. So that for me, I think, was my biggest. And when I first came out, Amy Schumer was when she first hit the mark where you saw a really strong, you know, female, New York, female presence on the scene, even if again, that wasn't what I wanted to do, or that was my voice, it was still something to learn. I worked at a comedy club. I worked at a, like, a D room.

Starting point is 00:17:52 It was called Witsen, Aurora, Colorado. Before stand-up, before you did stand-up? Yeah, no, I got the job. I took a stand-up course. Three weeks, $33. Jeff Arms, great, University of Colorado. In the last class, he pulled me aside. And he goes, I think you have, if you want to do this, I could see.

Starting point is 00:18:12 see you doing it. I go, I'm not ready to get on stage. And he goes, okay. He goes, I want you around it. He goes, I want you to call this guy and go down there, and that's what I did. That next day I went there, applied, and two days later they called, and fucking, I worked

Starting point is 00:18:28 there from January of 91 until I got the balls to get on stage in July of 91. Six months. Six months, and I got promoted, like, three times in those six months. By the time I got on stage, I was already a barback.

Starting point is 00:18:43 I was the sound guy and I was the dog guy. I was security. Fucking craziness. I had to do all those jobs. But when I was barbapping, I would watch the comics. That's it.

Starting point is 00:18:52 Just watch, watch. I think one of the best jobs in America today, if you really want to do stand-up, it's just move to LA and go to the comic store and tell them you want to be a doorman, whether you're a white,

Starting point is 00:19:04 black, green, a woman, whatever the fuck you are. They're famous for having stuff. Like the door people would get, Like that's their, they're known for that. Yeah, that's there.

Starting point is 00:19:16 But it's not the spot. Right. It's the being around it. You're at a university of comedy. You're at fucking Princeton University to learn comedy. It's always great when people get there and they complain. I never complained. I said one thing one time when I got there.

Starting point is 00:19:30 I said, I wish my spots were a little earlier. I keep getting these one o'clock spots. And some kids said, if you don't want it, put the sign up on the wall. You don't want your one o'clock spots. See how many people will take it. and that made a lot of sense to me. I never complained. I never complained about people bumping me.

Starting point is 00:19:46 I never did shit. It was a university, and I knew that. I knew I was here for four years, shut the fuck up. I didn't think I would last for four years. I figured I'd get into a fist fight or something before that and I get thrown out. No, I lasted there for 23 years. Yeah. And it's so crazy.

Starting point is 00:20:04 Like, I actually went in there. I was long, listen, I worked a door at the store. A lot of people don't know. Towards the end, towards the, In the middle, I remember going to her and going, dog, I can't live on the $25 hosting job. And she goes, well, why don't you work the door? That's another $25.

Starting point is 00:20:20 I'm like, wow. Double my income. Okay. I'll double my income. So I would work the door until I hosted. She gave me a special spot. She goes, I won't tell nobody you don't tell them about. I would host, then I would go back to working the door.

Starting point is 00:20:33 But by that point, I'd get somebody and go, hey, come here. What are you doing right now? Nothing. You want to host the rest of the show, yeah. You're the host and get security. So I would bring up Andrew, Paul Mooney, and somebody else and myself, and I'd go home. And she paid me. She never fucking said nothing to me.

Starting point is 00:20:50 But I paid my dues. I was there every fucking week, you know, like. And that's the grinds. And that's what people have to realize, especially new comics. There is a grind to this. There is a pay in my dues. You're not entitled to anything. Even now, like, I don't, maybe I'll never go to a comedy show.

Starting point is 00:21:06 But when I get to work with really big names or great, I'm sitting my ass in the seat if I've opened for them and watching because that's going to be part. Yeah, that's part of the education. You're a lifelong learner in this. I don't think, you know, I'm never ahead of where I'm supposed to be. So if I'm going to be opening for Joey or opening for a rich force or a Bobby Kelly, I'm watching the show after that. Have you seen Bobby's new special?

Starting point is 00:21:29 I just saw bits of it. I was fucking dying a laughter. Yeah. That's a 30-year seasoned fucking comment. Oh, he's, yeah. People don't mention Bobby Kelly, how that dangerous that motherfucker is. I saw a special that. It was like half-wit recorded on a phone from Comedy Central.

Starting point is 00:21:44 And they did it at the comedy cellar. Like five, four years ago, I'm in the hotel room one night, like two in the morning and a special comes down. He was a lot bigger then. He was goofing on fat people and shit. I was fucking rolling. That's a guy that should be a lot bigger. Yes.

Starting point is 00:22:00 Than what he is. I'm happy. Not physically. Just. No, he lost away. He looks fucking great. He just talked about it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:06 I just saw him yelling. There's a, he's one of those guys that's been around. He'll fucking murder you. I get excited. Like, I get excited, not even for me, I get excited to see what the crowd is going to get. Like, because him and I do a show called Smokes and Jokes. He's a big cigar smoker.

Starting point is 00:22:20 So we've been doing cigar night comedy shows together. And I get so excited once I'm off, because he's going to do 20 minutes of not material. He's going to talk about the ceiling, the lamp, make fun of the person in the audience. And it's just, it's so, like, off the cuff. And I get excited to watch the audience. and organic that you, I'm excited.

Starting point is 00:22:42 And I'm like, I'm learning. Oh, look at all the observations he just made that I maybe didn't or. It's always great to go see a big time comic. Whatever. I'll tell you who my favorite, one of my favorite guys to watch and you guys are going to fucking laugh at me. I hate corny shit, but he was so corny. He'd kill me, the guy with the puppets.

Starting point is 00:23:04 That motherfucker. Jose, that guy? No, the guy, the old specials on the white dude. Jeff Dunham. Jeff Dunham. Oh, Jeff Dunham. It's a dangerous motherfucker on stage. And I don't know how many times, you know, I'd never had a beef with him.

Starting point is 00:23:18 When I'd see him, he'd give me a hug. No matter what, I'd always fucking, you know, that was great. And I think he would look at me and go, I don't believe you that you like my puppet act. And I'm like, well, it's fucking great. I mean, there's some people, you know, the dude from New York, rest of his soul, that was a puppet act, whatever the guy's name was. That was crazy. He used to live down here before he passed away. God rest is so.

Starting point is 00:23:42 The guy that used to take booking calls on a phone booth. The Ventriloquist had a big cock. The dummy had a big cock. The dummy had the big cock. The dummy had a cock and he shaved the piece off so he could put lines of coke in it and snore the line off.

Starting point is 00:23:58 Oh my God. How do I not know? Come on, man. This is, can we, yeah. We need somebody on the community. Come on, guy. You don't remember his fucking. Otto and George.

Starting point is 00:24:07 Oh, oh, that's going to do. Oh, that's going to do. Fucking George. When I first got to comedy, like, no, no. When I first started rocking and rolling, maybe 2000, rock and roll. You know, when you're like a good feature act. Right, right. When I was a feature act, like in 2007, I saw him for the first time, maybe even before that.

Starting point is 00:24:25 I saw him, and it was real. He was intense. And he's up there cursing, eating pussy, talking about snort and car. I mean, this guy was nuts. You know, word on the street was that he didn't even have a phone. When you had to book him, he gave you a pay phone, and you had to call that pay phone on a Tuesday behind this house. That's amazing.

Starting point is 00:24:48 That's crazy. Otto George was the real fucking deal. But anyway, not the, like Jeff Dunham. Because there was a lot of times I would do the late show behind Jeff. Jeff doesn't do two shows. So I'd go to Irvine or Brea and it would be Jeff. And the only thing I ever heard negative about Jeff was I'd get there and the manager go, listen, you know, Jeff loves you.

Starting point is 00:25:08 but he made us cut your video because the video that you're coming because it was always dirty in front of his audience so he would make them cut that video when you go to a comedy show they tell you who's coming up they always have like a little sketch 30 minutes of video

Starting point is 00:25:24 like I don't have this in the movie Peter now I need this here popcorn is tasty all that dumb shit but no I liked him a lot and I learned from him even from a pup of that I fucking would sit there and look at their timing

Starting point is 00:25:38 Timing. His timing. The puppet's timing. And you're like, fuck. And there's got to be riding behind it, right? Yeah. No, he's a real. That motherfucker was making millions.

Starting point is 00:25:50 Duncan was okay. No, he only brought a little hobo out at the end. And it was the creepiest fucking thing in the world, that little guy. I couldn't sleep at the hotel knowing that he was next door to me with that fucking puppet. The scariest goddamn thing in the world. But it's so weird how. you have like I can't watch specials

Starting point is 00:26:11 I can't watch specials because of the time how long they are these well the time but it was so surreal to me going down to the vennies one night and it was the week that Natalie Cuomo was there with somebody's daughter I can't remember

Starting point is 00:26:32 Sheba okay Sheba has a room in mid yes in the city Now, they're not Amy Schumer. They're not Whitney Cummings, but they're getting that.

Starting point is 00:26:45 They'll be there someday. Them two were the first time I go, fuck, I forgot how much I enjoyed watching live comedy. I forgot how much I enjoyed watching life comedy because I had a whole system that was tremendous.

Starting point is 00:27:02 Listen, I would get stoned as fuck, put a hooded sweatshirt shirt on, You ever see me sunglasses on? Never. You? No. Never.

Starting point is 00:27:10 I'd put sunglasses on and I'd walk in the back of the comedy store and I'd just sit there and watch the whole rotation from 9 o'clock up if a comic got boring I'd walk out but I'd make sure I was there

Starting point is 00:27:24 for the next one or I'd stay there and watch how you'd get out of the hole because watching people get out of a hole is always an education. It's another lesson. But I would sit there. I would sit there. do that maybe Tuesday nights

Starting point is 00:27:37 Wednesday night when not now when I first got there until I left in 2007 I would sit there once a week high and I get pissed when people come and bother me Joey do you know what I could get some weeks go fuck away from me because you just broke everything

Starting point is 00:27:53 you just broke that like I would put myself in that corner chair for a fucking reason I don't want you to say anything to me I'm just and nobody used to bother you then for pictures and nothing it was just sitting there and watching 10 comics in a row to see how they would rotate because they're only, you know, 20, 15 minutes sets.

Starting point is 00:28:14 So I'd watch four or five of them and go for a walk and then come back and then go for a walk and then come back. I loved it. I really enjoyed it. When I'm home, I don't get that. When I put a special on, I don't give you Jesus with the tribe. I'm not going to get it as much as I did when I went to see that. And I always knew that.

Starting point is 00:28:32 This is all the shit that's coming back to me because during the pandemic, We forgot a lot about this shit. But I've always enjoyed just watching straight up fucking comedy. I don't want to be in a nice place. It could be bricks. Like, give me the dirtiest clubs in New York. Those are the ones I'll probably end up going to. I love Dangerfield.

Starting point is 00:28:52 Oh, I loved it back in the day. Eight people every night. Yeah, 12 if you had a good night. I packed it out one night. I tweeted and I had 21. And they were like, Joey, what did you do? We got 21 people. I'm like, fuck, yeah.

Starting point is 00:29:05 Yeah, I love Dangerfields. I love Dangerfield. I did my first show with Chad's at Dangerfields. Really? When we did a charity event there, like it had the old school like a mafia restaurant from the 50s feel still. Like the lamps were still, like those little lamps were still at the table.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Everything was red and God knows they never put the lights on because you don't want to know what it looked like. But it had that real, like, authentic feel. Yeah. When you watched the specials that the shot from there and you walk in there, you get it. You go, wow, I could smell the history in this place. I know.

Starting point is 00:29:41 When I sat at the bar, it was the first club that it was an honor for me beside the store to sit at that thing, at that bar. I did it when I was shooting the many saints. I had never done it before. And when I came back to shoot the many saints, I got a bunch of options of where I could go do spots. And none of them signed as enticing as danger feels. and I would take an Uber up there, two, three, I would call Linda Roe, she'd get me a fucking showcase.

Starting point is 00:30:09 I would go up there, I would do 20 minutes, 15 minutes, eight people. Yeah. But a fucking blast. And that's what I would like to go back to. I love those kind of rooms where they don't even, they don't have enough people for the chairs. Like there's 30 chairs in the room and there's 18 people. You just can't announce you're going. No.

Starting point is 00:30:31 Right. No, you have to go in there and quiet, but boy, that's the best workout you'll ever have because that really gets you talking and it gets you thinking quickly. Like this shit, I have, at home, I could write three jokes. But you know that one joke to seal them off together? I can't do that at home. I have to do that joke on stage. That's when that joke comes completely, that last joke to add the compliment.

Starting point is 00:30:56 Because it's a confirmation. I cannot have to do it on stage while I work. I just. I don't know. Those small rooms, you have to talk to people. Like, they always say that, you know, you get good in comedy when you just sound like you're having a conversation. But when you write the jokes, you're performing an act. When you have just eight people there, you're not theatrical.

Starting point is 00:31:15 You're talking to eight people. You've got to learn how to talk to the people. Like, that's where you learn your voice and your conversation and your ad-libbing and you, you know, and you obviously record every set. And it's like nails on a chalkboard to listen to yourself. But that's where you learn. Oh, I hate it. I take my last set in New York City.

Starting point is 00:31:36 And I got some good jokes out of it, but I didn't like the whole set from Saturday night. I like some jokes that I tried. I really enjoyed them. Yeah, I really enjoyed that stuff. You played back the whole thing? I played back the parts I wanted to hear the material I'd done. I can't listen to the whole thing. I can't listen to the whole thing.

Starting point is 00:31:57 It's painful, but I know I still have to do it. It doesn't make a difference when you get to a certain point. Sometimes I'm like, just watch it. I've been doing a podcast. I don't know how long now. I don't know how many podcasts we've done. And if I've watched five of them. Obviously this one.

Starting point is 00:32:15 200 episodes of this. You know, I don't know how many of the church. 100 with Felicia. I never really watched the whole one. Not because the podcast wasn't good because I couldn't stand listening to myself. Like it's okay when she's talking, but when it goes back to me, that's not what I want to see. I want to see her talking.

Starting point is 00:32:34 So after a while, I'm like, I'm good. But isn't that crazy? Because you're what everybody wants to see in here. You're the draw. You're the draw. But yet you yourself, it's something. There's something to that when you think about it.

Starting point is 00:32:51 I always thought I was retarded. I thought there was a problem. I really thought there was a problem. I could tell you guys things I did that I'm not proud of, that I went to a premiere, I would say hello, and then leave. And then try to come back because I didn't want to watch me. Taxi, I left. I just went to that premiere to see Brady's wife.

Starting point is 00:33:15 The important things at a premiere. You know, I went to see Tom Brady's wife, the Brazilian girl. And she's single now. She's single. McKenzie Dern is single. Jesus Christ. Yeah, McKenzie Dern took all the pictures of a boyfriend off the fucking, Instagram, people like Doug,

Starting point is 00:33:32 McKenzie Durham is single. How do we know this? Intel? No, there was somebody sent me a message. They go, Joey, this is your chance. McKenzie is scrapping all how daddy baby pictures off or Instagram, and I'm like,

Starting point is 00:33:45 she's single? Jesus Christ. Not that I'm fucking, man. Oh, man, what do I got got to offer? But I thought there was something wrong with me. I never repeated it because I've heard of people. We have a mutual friend. Not a friend.

Starting point is 00:33:59 I heard this motherfucker went to a Super Bowl I know for a fact he went to a Super Bowl one day there were 50 people at the fucking thing and during the Super Bowl halftime he goes enough with this let's put a tape up in my stand-up Can you imagine me going to your

Starting point is 00:34:18 fucking house with your parents and everybody? And this was the guy wasn't even famous not he's never been famous but the guy was never, nobody knew who he was he went to a party for the Super Bowl the year I got to California. Somebody told me like two weeks later, I got to stay away from this retard.

Starting point is 00:34:37 People were in the room. The guy who was real. He went over there. I know who he's saying. And he popped that fucking tape in during the fucking Super Bowl. And somebody yelled, take it all. I mean, it's not good. No, I don't even, I don't know the story specifically in a lot of camera. I'm going to. Okay. So when I heard. I heard. When I heard that story, that story, you can see how that story stayed with me. Because I always thought about what would possess a comic to go to a Super Bowl party

Starting point is 00:35:08 and throw his VHS tape in at halftime and force people to watch it. If I had the best out of my life, I still couldn't take that tape and make you put it on at the Super Bowl. You wouldn't even put it on YouTube. No, no, I wouldn't put it anywhere. But that's a character trait. and we see them in this industry, right? That's not just that. That's somebody that openly asks for things

Starting point is 00:35:38 that they're not entitled to. That's like there's a whole element here. Like even me wanting to do this podcast, I didn't ask directly. You know, maybe somebody said something to Joey or it. I have always, like I wouldn't have the balls. Like I couldn't do that. I don't know if it's like the way we are like that New York,

Starting point is 00:35:57 I think he's an Italian, but he's not that New York, New Jersey, Italian. And like, no, you don't, like, you do, you do hard work. You, you know, you do good. And then things come to you. Like, that's a different level of ego. That's entitlements. That's, and that we see it.

Starting point is 00:36:14 We see it with comics or people who want to be comics. But like, there's a, I've had never, I've asked one person for help the whole time. Like, and it was like pandemic. And I just was in like a rut. And it was rich for us. He's the only person I ever reached out to. and said, and I worded it in a way that was like almost like I wasn't worthy of the, and he's like, what are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:36:38 Of course, you're going to deliver. I'm going to recommend you somewhere and you're going to do good. You can do great. But I was like, I've never asked before. And so when I hear these things or these people asking for these opportunities, you go, I'm never going to make it in this industry because I'm never, I'm never going to have that. I'm going to take the longest road possible to get there. because I'm never going to come from that.

Starting point is 00:37:02 You don't come from that. No, but there's two sides of that. And I've got to be honest with you. Number one, something they told you in an Italian house and a Cuban house, and they told you were in church on every Sunday. When you went where your family is, if you ask, you will receive. Yes. So I understand what you're coming from because I got the same problem.

Starting point is 00:37:22 I can never just ask somebody. I feel a lot better if they contact me, then a conversation will come up. Like somebody asked me if I ever did two years ago If I did that thing that they were doing that summer And I go, no, I never did it I wanted to and somebody called an ass But we never really put it together, you know Listen, you're right

Starting point is 00:37:46 I had a problem my first 10 years of comedy Maybe 15 years of comedy Nobody knew I did comedy Because it was introduced to me Like when I started going on the road I swear to God I remember going on the road as a MC and the club owner going

Starting point is 00:38:02 Saturday and Friday, you have to go to the mall and give away tickets. And I quit. I'm not going. Guys, you know I'm outspoken. You know I like having a good time. I can go up to a woman and go, listen, I got an eight ball of Coke.

Starting point is 00:38:18 Why don't we go back to your house and suck your pussy? Like, I'm one of those creepy motherfuckers. But not do you want to come to a comedy show. I cannot come up to you. I know. I couldn't bark either. I go, hi, hi.

Starting point is 00:38:27 What are you ladies doing tonight? Yeah, no. Why don't you want to come to a bad? ass comedy show and they're like, I don't know. I can't. I can't do that. So, because of that, I suffered. Your career suffers if you're not that type of person.

Starting point is 00:38:43 But then something came that took the place of me, my balls, social media. So now those are my balls. Now those are where I got my balls from, you know, it's weird that, and I'm unashamed to say this, you know, I didn't want to quit cocaine because I thought it would take away from my comedy. That's such a common problem. It's like people said, I didn't want to lose weight because then I wouldn't get hired for roles. This is all a stupid thing that you have in your mind.

Starting point is 00:39:09 When I got off cocaine, my sex life went down to two in more ways than one. Because that was my courage. Even with my wife, that was my courage. That's how I went out at night. I'll ask that chick if she wants to suck dick. You know what I'm saying? Or whatever. I could ask anybody anything when I had a couple lines in me or a cocktail, you know.

Starting point is 00:39:31 When are you going to put me on that stage? Soon. I remember saying that to Danny Merwin time at the Tempe Improv. We had just done a line of Coke. I'd snorted Coke and Danny walked in the room. I didn't snore Coke with him. And I remember we were talking. I go, what do I have to do to go in your room?

Starting point is 00:39:46 The funniest feature up here, and he's like, I'll contact you. Obviously, I still remember that story because it irked me for the rest of my life because that's the shit I could do when I was coked up. But I couldn't do it when I was sober. but then I realized once social media came that you have to let people know so I did it through social media don't be like I was never going to go out and hang on a fly right no I know I can't pass out a fly I come to the show I know I'm not going to pass flies out in the cars you know I'm not going to do those things passing out flyers so it's it's

Starting point is 00:40:24 that helped yeah that I even look at it I didn't even make that comparison as to what that is It's false. But, and to your point, and not against what I said, but our mutual friend Kathy, when I was telling her, like, when I was in a run, and she's like, well, ask them, I'll ask this person if you. I'm like, no, no, no, don't ask anybody anything. And she's like, she goes, I don't want to, she's very blunt. She's like, I'm going to say this to insult you, but you're having a very ignorant neighborhood mentality right now. And I was like, what do you mean? And she was like, get out of that.

Starting point is 00:40:56 Like, in this industry, people ask for things. Like, you got to ask, speak up, you know. And the same with you. Like, you got to get fed, right? And I'm like, when she said it, I was like, you know, because I think I'm not that, right? I'm not this ignorant neighborhood girl. But that was the mentality that she was kind of saying that I had.

Starting point is 00:41:15 You have to promote yourself. And some people, it comes to very easily. You know, Dane Cook was very good at it on Facebook, on Myspace. He was very good at it. But all those things I can never do. So I could never put a taping at a fucking Super Bowl. But I thought I was in bad shape. And then one night I got home early from the store,

Starting point is 00:41:38 and Johnny Depp was on Letterman. This has to be maybe 2010, maybe 2009 around there, because I felt better after. And they were talking about the Pirates of the Caribbean. And he goes, so when you did the Pirates, how the Daily's looking. And he goes, I don't know. And he goes, What do you mean? You're the star of the show and you don't know what the dailies look like.

Starting point is 00:42:03 Johnny Depp goes, I don't look at those. I don't like looking at myself on video. He goes, you're the one of the most handsome man in the world. Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp went into the same spiel that I tell people. I mean, he just went into it. I do not watch myself. I can't listen to myself. If I'm walking in a room and I hear my voice, I fucking cringe.

Starting point is 00:42:22 He was just telling my story and I'm like, oh my God, okay, I'm not retarded. I'm not, there's not something, you know, mentally off of me. This is Johnny Debt, he looks like that. He looks like that, okay? I look like this, but he looks like that. And he don't want to be seen or he don't want to see himself. So it all came full circle. I understood it.

Starting point is 00:42:44 So you have to work with it. I knew it was, it just wasn't me. You know, me, I could, the longest yard, the crew screening, I stayed at. The premiere, I did not stay at. When I went to Grudge match, My buddies, I got up and left. I got up and went outside. They stayed and watched Grudge match.

Starting point is 00:43:04 I'll do it a couple minutes, but once I start popping up in the screen, I got to get out of there. That's uncomfortable for a guy like me. Yes, it makes me feel like I don't want to be that guy. I'm up back. Right. I'm up back.

Starting point is 00:43:18 No. You want me to tell what it feels like? It feels like they made a movie and put my fucking image in that. Because I'm looking at it going, what am I doing in that fucking movie? That's like, imposter syndrome like that.

Starting point is 00:43:30 Yes. Like what am I doing that fucking thing? Mm-hmm. I'm a fucking felon. I grew up in Jersey. We don't make movies. You do, but you do. I do.

Starting point is 00:43:39 Right. But in my mind, I know. It's imposter syndrome. Let me stand upset. Come on. Come on. It's hard because the only way to really learn what you're doing and what is to listen and to watch.

Starting point is 00:43:51 But in the same part, I'm like, I don't want to see because I don't want to overthink it the next time I get on stage not to do this or not to do that. It's like I will tell you what I will do though I will tell you what I will do I will take a short set of mine like a YouTube set of mine and watch it and keep it very low

Starting point is 00:44:10 and I know what I'm saying but I want to watch my body movements because I know if I had a body movement for this joke don't push the joke through you know that I'll do but again did you hear what I said short

Starting point is 00:44:24 set six seven minutes, ten minutes, I could tolerate that. If one of my girls come downstairs, that thing gets taken off the computer faster than anything. The only thing I will watch

Starting point is 00:44:40 to learn from, because I think it's the only really spectacular job I've ever done, is Ari Shafia's storyteller show. The sister Heissent, I really liked that one. That was something that I sat there with a pen from the end to the beginning

Starting point is 00:44:56 and worked on very hard, and that's why it came out that good. I never worked out on my stand-up, but I enjoyed the story concept of doing it, because I just like it. But that's the only time I can watch myself. Wow. That shit is shooting the special

Starting point is 00:45:12 and coming home every night and listening to your sets from the flappers and ha-ha. That shit almost killed me. So by the time I got to the special, I was so beat up from the shitty material, I didn't know where I was coming from. That's why I'm not.

Starting point is 00:45:26 not a special comic. Right. I don't like shooting specials. It doesn't worry. Everybody has a different knock. My knock is I don't do a good special and I know it going in. I don't ever want to do it again. I like going up there and just killing with no.

Starting point is 00:45:39 But I like, there are, and I won't mention them, but there are comics I love that I think are great that I watch the special. I'm like, oh, they should just, people should just see them live. That's why I want to record. That's a great idea. I mean, obviously just for him. No, I know. Because that's the other thing.

Starting point is 00:45:58 Like, I know there's going to be a camera on me Saturday, but... You got a particular. Right. But it's a different... It's a different level of it. How have you been doing comedy for now? Full time, like, 10 years. And then before that, I don't count those three of, you know,

Starting point is 00:46:13 those three or four years of getting up and working, writing my first few bits and things like that. So you count every time you got a dollar? Mm-hmm. Okay, that seems fair. So you're ready. Ten years, you're a veteran, you know. Ten years of comedy,

Starting point is 00:46:28 really know what's going on. You know, you really know what's going on. I feel like I'm fine. I really found my voice. You're a purple belt and jujitsu. You know what's going on? You get yourself out of any situation. It's just finding more material.

Starting point is 00:46:39 And now you're on the upswing of building a following momentum, getting a movie or a TV show to compliment the credits. It's such a fucking, and again, even like young comics, I couldn't wait to get a credit. When you bring me up, when people bring me up and they come to me and they go, what do you want me to say? I go, nothing. You work. So hard for those credits.

Starting point is 00:47:00 For anybody who knows, you can't wait to have a credit. I can't wait. I can't use this as a credit. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. And then you have like three of them and you're like, oh shit. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:47:12 And then when they're like, don't say nothing. I just want to. Yeah. I'm using Uncle, I was just appeared on Uncle Joey's joint for like the next year. No. No, no. You're right. It is you.

Starting point is 00:47:25 There's so many. Comedy is such a great. journey for people. And the journey starts, it really starts at the 10 year mark. But guess what? It gets better at the 20 year mark. And people see that.

Starting point is 00:47:40 And it's like you telling me if I joined the arm, you have to stay for 20 years. When you're 18, that seems like a fucking eternity. But it's really not, guys. If you're at home right now listening to this, it's not. We look at time. Like, I still remember, I blew,

Starting point is 00:47:56 I almost blew my life. because my friends could get me union jobs. Whether it was Longshoreman jobs, Brick Mason's job. But when they tell me it was a four-year apprenticeship, I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'll do a four-week apprenticeship, but then I want to get paid,

Starting point is 00:48:12 like, well, these motherfuckers aren't here because you don't see that kind of time in your life. But once you're there, and you're like, I've been doing this shit for 10 years. Ten years is the sweet spot in comedy. And that's like when I was watching the show, when I was getting upset, watching Last Comic Standing, I go, well, I should have started.

Starting point is 00:48:29 I started the I should have done it then and I should have done it now. And then I'm like, you know what, Sarah? Ten years from now you're going to say, I wish I started then. And I'm going to go, oh, my God, why didn't, you know, I said, so just start. You just have to start. It sounds so cliche and corny, but it's like you just have to start. Well, that's why don't people come to me and they go, hey, man, I'm just, listen, there's two things everybody hates to hear.

Starting point is 00:48:52 Are you going to join Jiu-Jitsu? No, I'm going to, let me get in shape to come in there. You're never going to get in shape. You know, it's like people, it's like people trying to tell me I'm not going to join the gym until I get in shape, you know, and would stand up when people call them, if you paid me $500 and said, Joe, I want you to give me an hour tutoring.

Starting point is 00:49:10 I go, how about I give you $4.75 back and give me, I'll take $25 for the best advice I could give you. Don't even worry about your material the first two or three times on stage. Don't even worry about. Go up then tell me a story about your cat. I'd rather you do that thing. Be up there clunky. I just want you to get over the mechanics of it.

Starting point is 00:49:30 I focused a lot on my words, and it almost cost me my career because I kept saying, I'm not going to go off until I write. Well, you're not going to fucking write. You've never written before. What makes you think you're going to become fucking Lenny Bruce now? Get up there. I tell people on the tongue. Just go up there.

Starting point is 00:49:48 You're going to, 80% chances are you're going to bomb, and it's not going to really matter. Nobody's ever going to remember it. I don't care if you go up in an open, mic at a bar, whatever's easy for you, karaoke, they all count. Get up there. The only way to get good is to be bad. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:04 I learned, if I had a great night and killed, I learned more from a night when I did it. I never say I killed, so let me, at 10 years, I still don't say I ever killed. But if I had a great night, if I had a bad night, you know, of course the next morning, I'm like, I'm quitting, I'm quitting, this isn't for me. You never, you know, you don't quit. But I learned so much more from those nights. I would never quit. I would just tell myself

Starting point is 00:50:27 that I was a piece of shit that what made me think I could ever do this and then you go okay I'll give this another month and if you don't fucking make it work I'm done with you comedy and then something good happens

Starting point is 00:50:41 that's what happened I would get into a place where I'd be like how am I doing this with my life I'm giving everything up for this to pursue this dream and then you have a bad night you'd be like this is I'm not a comic this isn't for me and then boom you get something or you you get it and you're like, it's like it takes one good night

Starting point is 00:50:59 so you raise 30 bad. And then you're right back. You're right back into the like, oh, I can do this. Now think about if people are at home right now watching this. That conversation you just said, you think you're crazy. If you said that to me 30 years ago, I'm like, you're fucking crazy. I got to have 30 bad nights to have one good night. You're fucking crazy.

Starting point is 00:51:20 But explain to them how good that night is. That one good one night, it's like, I found who I am. Like, I'm, I know what I'm meant to do. And it's like an actualization. Like, it's, you can't really explain it. It's just like, this is who I am. Like, and you find yourself in that night.

Starting point is 00:51:40 And you go, this is it. I'm going to do whatever I got to do to feel this again. And then, of course, it's a different level of chase when you get to a certain level. You know, when you, you know, one great night, great. But I should have been, you know, I should, you start going, oh, where you want to be, like where I wanted to be 10 years ago. now I'm not as grateful as maybe I should be, right? Because now I'm looking at the next 10 years.

Starting point is 00:51:59 So you kind of really humble yourself in these times, and I've got to say, this is where I wanted to be. This is exactly what I wanted to do. Be happy with where you are now. But it's hard when you get into this. But that one, those good nights, man, it's the best feeling in the world. That's why I'm here.

Starting point is 00:52:18 You know, I want to write another book about, like, that experience. Like I didn't really dive into it in my book like that experience From 1991 to 2000 If I look at my life Those were the best nine years of my life And I slept in cars I had to borrow money to do showcases

Starting point is 00:52:40 The one club gave me six weeks of work And then a month later they shut all the clubs down After I drove 14 hours each way You know you don't want to tell this to people Because But it's all part of this fucking thing that's so close to your heart when you really, really look at it.

Starting point is 00:52:56 Like, you know, traveling the states and meeting different people, like being stuck in a town and somebody helps you, and you're like, the world is a fucking vampire. You know what I'm saying? Like, the world is a great place

Starting point is 00:53:10 that people will come to your help. Even when, and, dog, nobody knew who I was. When I was getting $50 on the triple runs, a show, you know, nobody even acknowledges you. You're the guy under the headliner. And I still wouldn't trade in front of anything else. I still remember sleeping in hotels when it was owned by Hindu people. And you could smell the curry coming into the vents all night and shit like that.

Starting point is 00:53:35 And the whole hotel smell. You know, I can't. But it's all part of the fucking, the experience. Like when you look at it, getting to Rock Springs, Wyoming, and the hotel saying, we only got one room. You got to spend the night with the headliner in the same room. And he's snoring and he hates L.A. you know he's one of those fucking negative headliners these are all educate that's all part of

Starting point is 00:53:56 who you are like this is what's on my sleeve now and you need that thick skin in this industry and that makes you stronger that makes you tougher like you listen that thick skin is going to go with you forever you need to rip your scab off your soul and build it back because it's going to come in handy in 15 years. It's going to come in handy in 20 years. And that's a lot of people. Everybody's in such a rush. They miss those early steps.

Starting point is 00:54:27 And then you're going to have to go back. So do them now. That's why my motto has always been, you could pay me now. Or you could pay me later. I didn't invent it. Penzo did in the fucking 80s. If you don't change your oil in your car.

Starting point is 00:54:40 And this is a word from our sponsor. And this is a word from our sponsor. Pens oil. But it's the truth. And I know for a fact, it goes with comedy. Because let me tell you what's happening with comedy today. I know what he's going to say. And you know this.

Starting point is 00:54:54 What's happening with comedy today, and I have nothing against these people, is that a guy makes a video on YouTube. Social media. Then he makes another video on YouTube. Then he makes another video on YouTube. He gets like 10 million downloads. Now somebody just says to him,

Starting point is 00:55:08 you should just do stand-up. Well, I don't know how it happens. You know, it could happen that way, or they are doing stand-up online, cracking little jokes. and then they start going into clubs and they go into clubs with a

Starting point is 00:55:21 following which I didn't have a following I never forget David Tell came up to me in Miami one night and he goes dog I like what you're doing as a feature act because you are building a following because when you do hit later on these people are going to feel responsible they saw you

Starting point is 00:55:38 and they're going to come out and see you even more and it's the truth whenever I go to Miami those play Houston people come up to me and go I remember seeing you open for Rogan 98 when you took your dick out and you chase the fucking penguin across the, you know. How could they forget? How could they forget? No, but it's true.

Starting point is 00:55:53 All that builds. And people don't know that. So this YouTube sensation that you got, he's got $30 million, he sells out the improv. Yeah. And this is all great, but he's performing in front of his crowd. He's performing in front of his own people. He never won one over. Right.

Starting point is 00:56:10 This is what's happened with YouTube. You never won a crowd over. They come in to see you and you. you attack. Now one day Bob Kelly's gonna come up to you and go hey, why don't we go do a set at Gotham? Why don't we go do a set at the comedy

Starting point is 00:56:24 seller and you're gonna go up in front of the audience that isn't you and it's gonna shock you to no fucking in. You could not say it. You could have not made a better comparison to what that is. It's not good. I see it now when like

Starting point is 00:56:38 you know and let's not be a feature act if it's a big enough name or somebody's selling out. You know, this kid sold out you know, the club or whatever, and I gotta do 35 or 40 minutes as an opener, you don't got an act. You just filled seats. It's crazy when you see that.

Starting point is 00:56:57 And then they go, you know, you were great, I couldn't follow. Yeah, well, you have to do, you know, before you put your, because you want people to come back to see you. And it's an easy mistake. Listen, you get popularity like that you think like anything else, oh, I can do it. We have to be respected in it either. No. You're not going to get respected because you deserve no.

Starting point is 00:57:15 respect. But then you go up in front of these audiences and they're blowing smoke up your ass and that's not healthy. That's not healthy. Not to mention you over skipped the MC, the process of the MC, and you over skipped the process in the future. They're there for a reason. Those two positions are there

Starting point is 00:57:34 for a reason. You have to go to the ranks for a reason. Okay, you went to the Army, you went to college, you got your officer. Now you're coming as an officer. That means you're coming as a fucking MC. That's what that means. You don't come in as a fucking, you know, somebody else, you come in as a watch this and listen.

Starting point is 00:57:52 With fucking a guy who, like I took a comedy class. It was a three-week class. It wasn't really cover. Right. He told me to get Judy Carter's book, and then Judy Carter took it from there. Yeah. Whatever.

Starting point is 00:58:06 So, but I did those ranks. I bombed. I still remember going to a room that started at 11. and the guy coming up to me, you're 15 minutes going, 15 more minutes, 15 more minutes, and it's 1.15, and there's eight people left. And you invited six of your friends to come see you, and they drove you, and they took me to dinner.

Starting point is 00:58:29 You know, these things, you know, I'll never forget doing the Latin comedy festival for the Toyota Comedy Festival, the Latin thing at Carolines, and that comic threw me to the wolves. He fucking made me follow a salsa band because he didn't like me at the end. He put the salsa band up.

Starting point is 00:58:47 Right. Now everybody's dancing. They're moving. Can you fucking believe that? I had to follow a fucking salsa band. And that stays with you for a long time. You're like, how could I, like, when I got off the stage that night, how could I handle that better?

Starting point is 00:59:00 And I went home and took my notebook in the middle of all. And I go, no, you can't handle that. That's not what I should have happened. You go up before the fucking band. They did like three songs of Caroline's. Oh, no. That's, yeah. And the guy kept saying to me, but you're really, you're really strong.

Starting point is 00:59:15 go up after them. I'm like, I'm not fucking strong. What the fuck are you talking about? It doesn't make a difference how strong you are. You've just changed the whole vibe of the room, the whole energy. Do you excited for Saturday, man? I am excited for Saturday. I am.

Starting point is 00:59:29 How long have you been working this material for? I put some new stuff in there, which almost you would never do. But if I don't like it, I can take it out. Yeah. So it's some of my, I even took some of my first jokes that I don't even do anymore because I want to have everything out there and then see what is I really want. like what I want on this album because this is my first real intro.

Starting point is 00:59:48 And then you do know that your life is going to be held next Monday once you're out of material. Oh, I know. It's like a double-edged word. Like, part of me is like, oh my God, that's it now. Like now you have to start back to the drawing board.

Starting point is 01:00:03 But there's also part of me that's like, I don't want to do those jokes anymore. So it's like, you know, I feel it like... I'm really proud of. proud of you that you're doing this and it's so crazy to say that to so again another thing that's crazy you can't wait to put together your jokes and you can't wait to go tell them and what a great feeling it is to fucking write a new act and you're enjoying it and jokes are flying out of you but then all of a sudden you shoot this fucking special and now you're out of jokes what's not

Starting point is 01:00:38 going to be like tell me okay so now you're going to what we discussed you're going to have your leftover jokes that you're You didn't take in the special, and you have that left over. So you could take it what you have and take that material from a different direction. I would just start from scratch. And it's brutal. It's brutal. It's what I went going through the last six months here, trying to do material and, you know, not being able to grow with it.

Starting point is 01:01:08 You know, like the last six months, I've had a hard time fucking right now. so now I'm okay I wrote some great stuff for this week but when you shoot a special you have to go up there for like two weeks and find the hook then once you find the hook you're like thank God I got three minutes then you have seven minutes and then you go

Starting point is 01:01:28 oh shit I wrote a joke close to this a year ago let me go back in that notebook and get that joke out that I couldn't fix it with anything else and that's how you start putting things together and then you're up to 20 minutes and you're fine because now at least you can do sets You got 20 minutes.

Starting point is 01:01:43 It's when you don't have any material. I know. And you got to go up there and start from scratch. And that's what, in fact, I'm telling you, that's what I had to do. And since I was out of the comedy, listen, when you do comedy every night, 10 years, 15 years, and I've said it on here before, you become, your mind is sharp. Like if you see something, you process it right away. It's very funny.

Starting point is 01:02:07 The pandemic and what I was going through took me away from that state of mind. We weren't really seeing it. Which the state of mind is when we're driving And I can just come up with a joke When I see somebody Right. Now I'm starting to get it back I still have the ability

Starting point is 01:02:23 I have after last week's show I could tell the joke writing It's starting to come back It's taken a lot longer Than I wanted it to But We weren't living during the pandemic I feel like in order

Starting point is 01:02:35 And I realize this now When I don't want to take a break Where I feel like I got to get up every night I'm like I got to live life in order to joke about it. And I feel like we're kind of getting back to our groove.

Starting point is 01:02:48 And that's why it's coming back now and that's why... Yeah, but there were some people who went right back on the horse. Like I thought comedy clubs are going to be packed. All these comics are going to go back and do their regime,

Starting point is 01:03:00 go back to a club, start from scratch, pack of material and get to theaters and stuff. No, it was a week later and most comics went right back to where they were. Right back to a theater. You know, for me, But I look at things a lot differently. I don't like going up there just to crack jokes.

Starting point is 01:03:17 I want them to get something. I want them to get an hour from me, and that's not always possible. You know, I'm not going to have that ability at all times because, like even now, I feel like I'm doing okay, but I'm not Joey Diaz. I just saw you perform. Oh, but Uncle Vinnie's two weeks ago.

Starting point is 01:03:36 I feel comfortable now, but I'm not where I was before the pension. pandemic. It's taken a long time. And correct, I haven't been working out like I would in L.A. I knew different rooms. Everything was a lot closer to me. But I'm feeling it again. And it's been fucking fun, you know. It's good to hear you say that. I think you scared some people when you were like, yeah, I'm not going to do it anymore. Everybody was like, I don't want to do to the extent I was doing it. I don't want to do, like somebody offered me a tour next year. And I thought about it. I didn't say no yet. I haven't said anything. I just was like, I don't know. Because, because why,

Starting point is 01:04:18 though, because it's taxing when you think about it, like, because you're at a point now where you can allow balance in your life. Like, I feel like when you first start, you're not going to get, there's no balance. There's like a tunnel vision. There's no such thing as balance when you first start. There was no balance at all. Nothing. But now you've got a beautiful home. You're giving your daughter a completely different childhood than she would have had back in L.A. You have different friends. There are different things you're interested. You're going out to dinner tonight with friends instead of going to a club. Do you think that's why? Because you're trying to find that happy meeting? Like, why would you say no to a tour? Not that you have said no yet. It's my fucking

Starting point is 01:04:55 weekends, man. It's my fucking weekends. I've given up my weekends for 30 years. Okay? So now I have something to do on the weekends. But you don't even have to perform on a weekend. No, no, no. I could still perform on Tuesdays and Wednesdays or Thursdays, but the whole thing seems taxing to me. I'm at a point right now in my life where I want to be home a little more. The world's not the fucking great place right now. I enjoy doing my shows in the city. When I go to the city with you, that's a good time. And that's what I can handle right now.

Starting point is 01:05:32 What's going to happen next July, next August? I don't know. But for right now, I'm just getting my bearings back. I didn't want to get into this from day one I didn't want to go nowhere I was before with the podcast or with the stand-up career I wanted to cut it down a little bit I didn't want it to be 20 hours a day

Starting point is 01:05:52 this was 20 hours a day my life for the last 30 fucking year for the last 12 years it's been 20 hours a fucking day and it's not performing or doing things it's the mental it's the thinking and the jokes and, you know, you're not a feature anymore.

Starting point is 01:06:11 People are actually paying $40 to come see you, a babysitter, a dinner. You can't go up there, like, just treat them like that. And that's why you're so good, because you're not thinking of you when you're on that stage. No. The best comics are thinking about the audience. I'm thinking about the audience, man.

Starting point is 01:06:29 I don't like what's going on today. I don't like that audiences of paying $200 to see a comic or $2.99. That's absurd. These comics can make a living on $30 tickets just like I fucking did for years. So I always think about the audience. I want them, Jesus Christ,

Starting point is 01:06:48 when a comic tells me that I haven't written a joke in a year, I'm done with you. I'm done with you. I'm done with you. I told my wife that, how can nothing happen in a year? Nothing.

Starting point is 01:07:00 That's what you're telling me that nothing happened in your life in a fucking year. Tell me about the car that's spent by your house that almost hit your fucking, You know, tell me something. Something has had to happen.

Starting point is 01:07:12 So when you think like that, you always got to be on top of it. When you're writing and stuff, I don't have that no more. I have a child now. I have a wife now. I could be writing and my child to come up and go, dad, you want to go play basketball? I can't just go, no, no, no. I'm writing a joke. I can't do that no more.

Starting point is 01:07:30 Can't do that no more. So, like I said, I'm doing the best and the most that I can do right now. That's it. And that's it. Do I think about getting on a plane on a Friday night, on a Thursday, and doing that second show? No. No.

Starting point is 01:07:46 No. I considered even doing a Friday night tour, a Saturday night tour. Like just Saturday nights. But what I want, how I want to do it is not how most people want to do it. It would cost a lot more because I'm not doing fucking commercial flights anymore. Oh. I'm not doing them for a tour. I'm not doing them.

Starting point is 01:08:08 So if somebody wants to do a tour, I'll even take less money and figure out of the way just to fucking get out of my show. Get off stage at 11, you're on a plane at fucking 1115. Like Rogan did Atlantic City, what Seguura does every night, they get out of that town. They get to the next town the next day. That's what I would like to do. But first of all, I never liked doing Tuesday through Saturday.

Starting point is 01:08:33 This whole last run I did was never. It was always Thursday, Friday, Saturday. That's it. No Sundays. Wednesday, I don't have time for you. You know, I don't mind doing the city on Wednesday. I go to the stand tonight with you or danger feels. But that's where I am right now.

Starting point is 01:08:50 That's where I am. I still love comedy like I did when I first got on that stage. I still love it. It's just I had to love it in a different way now. I have more people to love. And I got into California, and I knew this in L.A. I don't know how many nights I would be at dinner, and she just said prayers.

Starting point is 01:09:06 And I got to get dressed, go to the store and talk about eating ass and shooting somebody. And, you know, it's like, and then you start thinking about the mafia. How you joined the mafia when you're 18 or 23 or 24, because you're shooting people. You don't give a fuck about shooting people. But then you bump into a beautiful girl at the deli. And you have beautiful children with her. And now I got to go shoot somebody and go take my daughter to church tomorrow. Take it to the daddy daughter dance.

Starting point is 01:09:31 It was surreal to me. That's what I would feel like. I'd be there watching the same prayers. And with the same, in my mind, I'm like, oh, I'm going to go down the comedy store. I'm going to smoke some dope. And I'm like, I can't do this no more. It just wasn't working.

Starting point is 01:09:45 So I have a lot more people that need my attention now. I'm not the, you know, guys, comedy is never growing up. Stand-up gives you the permission to never grow up. And I love that a lot of stand-up because I never wanted to grow up. If you become a comedian, it's because you don't want to grow up. I became a comedian because I liked it Like you liked watching it But when I read Lenny Bruce's book

Starting point is 01:10:11 I liked the fact that When I read that book I was lost I was a criminal I was a drug addict He hung out of the strip club And he went to the Chelsea Hotel And he went to sleep And he shot heroin

Starting point is 01:10:22 With jazz musicians That's what I wanted I didn't want to shoot heroin But I wanted to snore coke And drink all night And especially in New York What a dream It would be to leave your house

Starting point is 01:10:33 Like, if I was a comic that slept all day, oh, get up at seven, eat some Chinese food, smoke some pot, make some calls, and then leave at 10 o'clock at night and just attack New York, come on, dog. That's a dream come true. Stop at two, go get a slice of pizza, go with tarragut, a late steak somewhere in the village, and then you go home at 5 in the morning, and there's another party going on at the Chelsea Hotel. Coke, bitches, strippers, who wouldn't dream of that? That's a fucking paradise. That's why I got into comedy Because it gave me permission To be yourself

Starting point is 01:11:07 Not to grow up When you get into comedy How many bills you got? Yeah, no, I know Like I told Lisa You ever see somebody come up In an open mic with a Lamborghini? Nobody ever pulls up in a Lamborghini

Starting point is 01:11:18 An open mic, right? Everywhere else, you can be in a coffee shop, beep, beep Nobody ever pulls up in a Lamborghini So I didn't have anything When I got in the comedy And now I have people Like I never thought I always thought I was gonna die like Charles Bronson

Starting point is 01:11:32 like alone in my house, you know, in a basement apartment with a cat drinking from a bowl, like in hard times. There is a cat, but that's it. That's the only. But then all these things came that take your time, your health. You know, when you're a comic,

Starting point is 01:11:45 you don't really think about health. Not until I met Joe Rogan, you're on the road. I remember the first time road and goes, you want to work out? I'm on the road, bitch. What workout? Your body, your health,

Starting point is 01:11:55 all these things come in. And, honestly, to God, truth. I don't want to go out like Bob Shack. I don't want to die in a hotel room. Not now. 20 years ago, I wanted to die in a hotel room with a naked woman sitting on my face. But now, I want to die right here.

Starting point is 01:12:13 And you found your balance. And this is the gift. And I still love stand-up. After 30 years, right. Yeah, I still love stand-up. I have to find a different way to do it. And if it means going on Uncle Vinny's on Thursdays for a year and doing the New York,

Starting point is 01:12:29 the Sony Theater, Sony Hall, once a month, so be it. Once I get more room, listen, Chappelle took off eight years. Oh, yeah. And he waited to his kids. In two years, my daughter's not going to want to do nothing with me. Already, I told her, I'm going to go to Cincinnati for this movie,

Starting point is 01:12:47 and she's like, that's okay, Dad, I'll just come and visit you. That was not her stance. That was not the response he wanted either. Yeah. That was not her stance two months ago. Right. So I know in two years, she's going to go, Dad, you can do whatever you want. And I'll take more advantage of that.

Starting point is 01:13:03 Who knows what the future brings. But today is the best I could do. Because you found how to be in the present. And that's not, that's something we, as a new comic, you're never going to get that. No. And as a 32-year-old loser, I was never going to get that. As a 44-year-old loser, I was going to get that.

Starting point is 01:13:20 I needed something to happen to make me overhauled everything. And it was that little girl. I mean, I love being here. I loved the softball game. last night was the only dad at softball practice. I sat by myself. The moms were yaking. You know, that's what moms do.

Starting point is 01:13:36 I sat by myself. I love all this. Is that a beautiful place to be when you can become like that? Did you ever think years ago you could just be sitting at a softball? Like even now, like I drive by one. My husband and be like,

Starting point is 01:13:46 you're ready for that? You want kids? You're ready? And I'd be like, you and your mother better be ready because I ain't doing that. I'm being in comedy clubs every night. I'm not doing that. So I'm not ready for that.

Starting point is 01:13:55 At my age, I want, like for what you're saying, believe it or not, I long for that level. Even if it's not with a kid, with a level of peace that I don't think I have yet because I'm still climbing and I'm still digging and finding myself. You don't want peace?

Starting point is 01:14:12 You think I was looking for peace when I was 45? But there is a part of me that says, like I'm listening to you say that. I'm like, that's got to be so peaceful. I don't have that level of peace. I have to take things to have that level of peace. Listen, man, I had to. But I also had to make sacrifices.

Starting point is 01:14:28 Like it was very rough to lose the comedy salary. It was very rough. But I looked at my wife and I go, we'll make it work. I'll put more albums on serious. There's always shit you could do, you know. But you have to close one door before another one opens. And people don't understand that when they want their life to change, your life's not going to change no matter how much you want it.

Starting point is 01:14:54 You have to make sacrifices and then life will make sacrifice. The universe will make sacrifices and you'll meet in the middle. For me to attain this piece and to be able to go to sleep at 11 again, I look at my whoop watch and I sleep till fucking 8 and I'm getting REM sleep again. Yeah, yeah. For me to attain that, I couldn't attain it by going on the road every night. So I had to give something up. And I gave up the thing that most people can't give up is money.

Starting point is 01:15:20 I stepped away from the money. If the money's in the universe, it'll come to you. Whether you do this, I might hit the lotto tomorrow. You don't know. I might hit 60 million. I told you. I had money coming to me. But I tell you.

Starting point is 01:15:33 So we always have money coming to us when you're a good person and you do good things. The universal smiled down on you. But I had to cut away a lot of stuff that made me joy. I narrowed down my stand up to what was going on. Let's be honest. It's just for being honest today. And I want you young comics to learn something.

Starting point is 01:15:53 I wasn't addicted to comedy anymore. There was nothing about comedy. liked. Towards the end, there was nothing about comedy that made me want, I didn't want to go, oh, I can't wait to try that new joke in front of Tarras. I'm going to love it. Can't wait to try that new joke in front of Mike. I would get on a plane with the sole exceptions. Can't wait for Saturday night until I put that check in my hand for the theaters. I got addicted to the check. And I became a different person when the check was put in my hand. Once the check was put in my hand, the weekend ended. I don't want to take my

Starting point is 01:16:29 no more pictures. I don't want to talk about comedy no more. I mean, I was dead serious about it. People never understood that. Because that's not who I, it just wasn't working. I was doing everything off that check. The only thing I did that was pure was go do my $15 set at the comedy store.

Starting point is 01:16:46 That's what kept me pure. But everything else was too out there for me. I wanted to get that love back. And until I get that desire back, like I told you that at 7 o'clock I'm telling my wife, where the fuck is dinner? I got to get the fuck out of here to go to the stress factory, Dino's, or the Gotham.

Starting point is 01:17:03 When that happens, I'll call you and let you know. But that's not what the case has been. I miss doing comedy. I miss it. I miss the comedy store. I miss the comedy store. But I have to just see where I'm at, and I'll come back to it,

Starting point is 01:17:19 or you move from here. I really proved my point. I proved my point. I didn't, to me, I couldn't keep going back on the road. I was starting to see that already with my friends. I learned that from Ralphie. How many times you're going to go to Columbus, Ohio? How many times you're going to go to Houston, Texas?

Starting point is 01:17:38 And we try to hide it with different venues. Oh, this one time we'll do the improv. It'll be different, yeah, different experience. And then they get you another theater. Then they get you a bigger, bigger theater. Then they get you a bigger, bigger theater. Now you're in a fucking arena, which is not good. I don't want to do comedy in a fucking arena.

Starting point is 01:17:54 It's more personalized for me. So I didn't want to even get that way. Like when I was seeing these guys going into arena, I go, that would be nice. That's a paid day. But at the same time, you sacrifice. You sacrifice the real art of comedy. People are watching on a fucking screen. And you're missing so much.

Starting point is 01:18:10 And you're missing so much. So I don't want people to miss that. The same way I enjoy the live experience, I want to give people that live experience. It's intimate, yeah. The intimate, you know, 500 seats. I could probably put it in, anybody knows I could probably sell another thousand tickets every night. Yeah. In fact, I wish Sony Hall was 350.

Starting point is 01:18:32 I wish it was 250 sometimes because I would have more control. I could start them there again. I don't want to go up in front of a 2000-seat arena. I don't know. I started Uncle Dino's for a reason, Uncle Vinny's. I'm dealing with 140 people. And if it's a bad night, we'll have 80. We never had a bad night, so we can work with that.

Starting point is 01:18:53 So that's where I'm at. And listen. That's where I'm at. You have to make sacrifices And you have to Your life is not going to change You have to make the initial things And yeah after

Starting point is 01:19:07 I said no I ate dick for three or four months You know like money wasn't coming in But at the same time Then movies started coming in And other things started coming in Why? Because you got to close One door before another one opens

Starting point is 01:19:21 And now when I'm ready I'll go back to stand up when I'm ready to go and I could be the most effective thing in the world. But right now, I can't. I don't have it. But you have it to do other things. There are words around this in other ways,

Starting point is 01:19:33 whether it's the softball game for you or doing an audition or getting a new part. There's other, you know, it's from one thing came another. Let me tell you something. I've had more auditions in the last six weeks than I've had the last 10 years for years. Do you see what I'm saying? So in the years, like when I was in L.A.,

Starting point is 01:19:52 I would get three or four auditions in a year or somebody were making an audition. offer. Here, at least I'm getting like in the last six weeks I've probably gotten seven auditions because the agency realized they're not going to get blood out of a turner. See, there's a value of my head. They're going to get that value

Starting point is 01:20:09 from me. But if I shoot them down with the road, that's why else I did this. To pick their fucking up. I'm not going on your road. So you can take that week and shut up your ass. Get me some auditions and that's what they did. I forced their hand. So

Starting point is 01:20:25 there's always a method to the matter. It's like the great Nietzsche said. Didn't Nietzsche say this? A man without a plan is not a man. I like it. I'm really proud of you for what you're doing. Thank you, Joey, for having me. I love you.

Starting point is 01:20:39 Thank you. Do both shows start at 930? Friday's 9 and Saturday's 9. Both of them are 9. Yeah. So Uncle Vinny's fucking Friday and Saturday. I wish you all luck in the world. You're fucking the sweet lady.

Starting point is 01:20:53 Thank you. You're funny as fuck. Thank you. And I can see you taking over this motherfucker. It's fucking do it. five or six years. Keep doing what you're doing. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:21:02 I love you, Motherfuckers. Don't forget Tara. Where can they find you? Tara Jokes everywhere. Because nobody can say my last name. Tara Jokes. Tara Jokes is my website.

Starting point is 01:21:11 Tara Jokes, Instagram, TikTok, Twitter. I love you, motherfucker. Stay Black. Have a great week and we'll see you next Monday. Tip Top Magoo. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you guys for listening to the show today. I want to apologize for coming up.

Starting point is 01:21:27 The Sturz, I had a fucking podcast on Tuesday, audition on Tuesday. I didn't even tell you about today, but we'll talk about that next week. And that's it. But listen, the joint is brought to you by, Draft Kings. Tonight there's a great game, Chicago, Washington. Draft Kings is going to be there, the official sports betting partner of the NFL. Tonight you put $5 on the NFL team to win, and if it comes in, you get 200 and free bets and you build up your bank row.

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Starting point is 01:22:39 Download the Draft King Sportsbook app or the fantasy app and go knock them out of the park. The joint is also brought to you by Blue Chute. Listen, one of the scariest things for a young man is not being able to perform. It'll destroy your fucking confidence, but don't worry about nothing. Uncle Joey got you

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Starting point is 01:24:06 I want to thank Draft Kings. I want to thank BetterHelp. I love all you savages. I want to thank Tara, Mike, and the rest of the fucking crew. Stay black. Have a great weekend, and we'll be back Monday morning. Tip-top, motherfucking McGoo. I love you.

The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #204 | TARA CANNISTRACI | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

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