The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #207 - Joey Diaz, Tom Segura and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: August 26, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined in studio by Comedian Tom Segura This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  2Pac - California Love Tony Bennett - I Wanna Be Around Black Sabbath - Supernaut Recorded on 08/25/2014.

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Oh shit. Are you fucking kidding me? Or what? Bounce that fucking helmet, Cuck suckers. Monday, August 25th. Right here, baby. You're lowering my music now.

What? Here we go. What? Bounce that motherfucker. It's a Monday night. Church podcast in the house. Tom Segura, the Flying Jew, kicking it, licking it, flicking it,

suck it, bite it. Stick it a finger. I'm getting surgery tomorrow, my knee, I'm feeling good, I'm high, I'm broken stone, it's a Monday night church, what? Do it, Lee Syatt, you bad motherfucker, there you go, what? Oh shit, oh shit, you bad motherfuckers, you thought it was gonna be a regular Monday church, fuck that shit, we're throwing heat like the Corinthians, are you fucking getting me? Or what?

Labor Day week, we ain't fucking around. down here, Tom's the girl is in-house. Stop wigglingly. What's the problem? What's the problem is you gave me a brownie and I have about five minutes to get everything else. You get me a brownie and I got, yeah, you're fucking, this is a way of fucking life. This browning made me puke on Friday.

At the other than that, I gave him the whole fucking thing. Listen, he couldn't sleep. I can't sleep. Okay. Let's go get you a little fucking other one. So we went over and we got the, so kind, the brownie collection, right? Let me tell you some. This shit is what they give you.

Let's say you get shot eight times and you won't die. Don't just give you this at the hospital. It's over for you after that. We'll just bleed the fuck out. You say you're saying this now, but everything you give me is seven milligrams. Oh, yeah. Come on, Doug. This is six, this is baby stuff.

It was 33 and a third. Like, John, George Harrison. That made him puke. Oh, my God. The whole thing. He ate the whole thing like a fucking animal. I ate the whole thing. I kept calling him.

We're going out, Lee. We're going to fucking see the town. At first he's like, okay. Call me back. I'll be here. I call him back like 10 minutes later. Lee, what's up? You ready to go, cocksuckers? I'm feeling fucked up, right? So I know he's going down. I call him back like in 10 minutes he's eating sushi.

Yeah. He goes, you know what? I'm getting a little fucked down. All right. I fuck. I give him another 30 minutes. I call him back. He called me like eight times in one night. And also he's like, hello? I'm fucked up. How much was in that sting? I can't fucking believe how fucked up I am. I'm like, fuck it. Get dressed.

We're going out, cucksucker. And I hang up on him. Right. And I'm like, oh, I know. And I call him back, and he's like, and the phone rang like eight times. Yeah. And he picked it up. And I'm like, where are you?

He's like, I just peop. I'm so fucking high. Don't blame it on the weed. It's that wholesale fucking sushi you got from that Arab on the corner. He goes to this Arabian. No, I don't. Yes, you do. You told me.

They got that adami with fucking hummus on it or some shit. A wholesale? He does. He goes to a wholesale fucking sushi. It's good. Eight rolls. for three dollars. No, you're gonna fucking die.

That's like suicide. It wasn't gas station. It was good sushi. But, okay, so I was watching a movie on my living room couch, and I made it to the bedroom, and I was laying with my head by the foot, and I just flipped. And you ever know, like, when you're going to puke, like, as soon as I flipped over, I was like, that's not going to happen. But I was able to get off my bed, so I didn't peek on the bed, but, like, right next to the

floor. And you can see all the little sushi bits. It was terrible. Oh, my. God, you nasty, motherfucker. I've never had to clean up puke high. It was not fun. I kept calling him back. Get up, cocksucker. We're going down.

We've got more edibles. I can't. I can't. I already peep the fucking Thursday. Lee's as tough as fucking nails. Lease my dog. I told him we got animal tranquilizers tonight. This is the pre-surgery show, Coxuckers. I go in tomorrow. Lee picks me up at... What time?

445? 445. 445 in the morning? I get admitted at 515. They cut me open. My wife's picking me up at 10. Beautiful. That's it. And you're home. And I'm home.

And then you're taking pills. And then I'm taking pills. I got she went food shopping today. She turned everything around so the baby don't jump on my fucking leg. And that's it. I go in tomorrow. They hit me with an IV. I talk to them.

They don't have to shave nothing. Are you getting knees scoped? Meniscus. Arthritis. They're fixing this little tear on the side. I don't know what it's called. And I go home. I'm home for four fucking weeks.

I go to Bray on the 18th. Nice. I go to New York on the 25th. New York? Where are you doing in New York? Got them. Nice. Tremendous.

The 1145 show, like a soldier. Just one? One show a night. One show in, how many nights? Friday or Saturday. That's it. That's it. That's the fucking way to do it.

That's the way to do it. I ain't got time to be Dilladalee? What else? Tom's the best. That's the best, man. Look at you. Where were you last week? Philly.

How old how hot was it? Fucking. The basement, yeah, the club was fucking literally a hot. like a fucking sauna. The club is great. It's an amazing club. It's an amazing club. The food is great.

The people that come from Philly. The shows are awesome. The shows are always awesome. The guy is a great guy, but he's Jewish. He won't fix the air condition. You know how Jews feel about fixing the air condition? That's a big investment in case we've got to burn the joint down. You ever see a Jew after he burns the joint with a new air condition?

He goes, fucking ape shit. He'd rather be tied up and somebody take his ATM card and rip up his 20s. You understand me? I was thinking of tying him up in Ari. They're taking their ATM card. And every time a 20 comes out, just rip it one of the time just to see him. Oh, stop. How much is it upset you to fix air conditioning leave?

If I had to pay for it, it would piss me off. If I owned a club, I think I'd pay for it. Listen, a Jewish person, let's say a Jewish person has to buy a new air conditioning for a building, a Jewish landlord. He will milk that fuck in those days. He will milk it if he could get eight months out of tomorrow. They should be here. They're sending it from Japan. what happened. Let me call Hector. Have you heard from me?

They didn't come in. The train got robbed. If you could fucking... By the way, we're speaking about Jewish here. I got this fucking Facebook today about Lee, about the flag. Listen, let me explain something to you people. It's a fucking Israeli flag. If you people get upset about an Israeli flag, Lee is a harmless fucking Jew. He doesn't even have

any malice in his heart, Lee. Oh, people are upset about it? Yeah, they're like, take the... Well, some fucking Jericho who has nothing to do with his life. Anybody knows our intention to good There's an American flag there also Nobody complains about that There's a picture Charles Bronson there

And there's a fucking picture of Clint Eastwood You know what this spells in here? Balls. So don't be upset. It's just a fucking flag. You're gonna be mad at me? Get the fuck out of you. It's not even not a shot either.

Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with people? People want a bitch that something every day There's a free fucking service Nobody bothers you, nobody makes you do nothing You don't have to sign nothing, you have to do fucking dick And I can't believe how much people fucking complain I got a complaint I got a complaint this weekend in an email.

The guy said that he saw my special and he was enjoying it until the part where I talk about disabled people. And he was like, because he has MS. And he was like, and then you made me feel badly about it. And I was like, yeah, but you're choosing to feel badly. Because other people with disabilities have come up to me and, like, said how they had a good time

and they laughed at it because it's a joke. to think about intent. What's the intent? And he was like, no, I'm not choosing to feel that way. And I was like, yes, you are. You're choosing to be upset and you want to, you know,

you want to go off on somebody about it. But that's your choice. You're choosing to do that. He'll probably go to the barbershop and talk about it. Yeah. You know, those are the kind of people that they get enthralled in it.

And you're like, I don't understand this. All you have to switch the channel. Yeah, exactly. That's it. The fucking thing is a fin to get in. It's a $5. You waste $5 in that shit. You eat a fucking McDonald's.

Just switch the fucking channel. What do you give a fuck? You know what I'm saying? People always got to get picked. And these Americans, all of a sudden, it's a, it's a, I got to tell you, last night I was sitting there. I answered the emails. I had the baby in limerrant. After dinner, we don't put cartoons on.

You do not? No, because we wanted to. Line down? Fucking play, you know, write and play with her toys. So I got a chance to scroll to the TV, and I got the chance to watch, like, Seven minutes of the VMAs. Oh, boy. What has happened to society?

What has happened to music? Music is at an all-time low. And they all sit together like Rihanna and the fucking Kardashians. And all these people sit together like they all love each other. And they're down inside. They hate each other. Yeah. Then Beyonce, you know, everybody in the world is saying they're getting fucking divorced.

And all of a sudden they're on there and she comes out with the baby. And I told my wife, I go, I don't even want, I don't believe. We live in such a fantasy fucking land. I want to know the cameras that they're putting in as they go away from the camera. You know that hallway

you have to go into? That's where I want the cameras to see her turn around and go, fuck you, you black motherfucker you fuck my sister, you nasty nigger motherfucker. That's what I wanted to see.

Not that smile and the fake fucking tear. You know, it's such a fucking fake situation. Miley Cyrus, I love that dirty bitch. I love it till last night. The thing with the home

little kid. What'd she do with the homeless she sent some homeless little half a fag up there to say that, you know Hollywood makes $8 billion and there's 1,000 30 fucking kids on the street. You know what? I was in the fucking street because it was my choice and so are you. You want to run away from your fucking house because your dad won't let you

go to the fucking prom or whatever the fuck. Do you see him? You see a little kid? I heard about it. He was a half of fucking like homo. I don't even know. And she's in the back crying, you know, jumping up and fucking down. People comparing it to Marlon Brando. No, Marlon Brando did something from his heart, not because he was going to be on TMZ.

It was 1970-something. It wasn't because he did it to impress people, because Marlon Brando was really fucking crazy. He was really fucking crazy. Did you hear what people are going crazy tonight? About what? Sarah Silverman brought like THC drops on like the Emmy red carpet, and

everyone's saying it's so amazing. I just thought of you. She brought like the dropper of THC drops. And was giving them the people? No, she took it out at like an interview apparently. I didn't see it because I was here, but I just thought I just thought I just thought of Joey. Oh, my God.

Look at her. She's so cool with the refo. Oh, my God. On ABC with a vapor pen or something. That's what it was. It was a vapor pen. I didn't see it. It's amazing.

That Miley Cyrus is terrible, man. That, the, the, uh, they did that, that profile on her where it was like a documentary. And they were like, you're making such bold decisions. Like, you're so bold. And like, and then they go, what she do? She was like, yeah, I mean, the thing. is like you just can't care about what somebody thinks and it's like okay and that's that's her mantra and then then the music has nothing to do with that it's just like it's just totally overproduced

bullshit like there's no like actual musical talent involved with what we're watching we're just watching somebody you know music is to the point where there's nobody really doing live music they're all putting tracks on and in society these young kids that pay for that shit yeah And they go and they feed that shit. $300 for that fucking blonde in Vegas. You know, whatever the name is. Yeah, Britney Spears. That's $300.

Go to Vegas. Go online. See where the tickets are for Britney Spears in Las Vegas. They ain't no $2.50. I'll tell you that fucking much. All right. She's got a residency there. Her tickets are three bills.

Three fucking bills. And you know she's going to lip sync. And you still continue to pay it. So whose fault is that? You know, David Groh has like a big B. with music today. I read little excerpts. He's mad at the music that they have on that show where people judge you, you know, whatever that, not the view, but the other fucking one. I don't know, the one about singing. Oh, the voice. The voice. I know he had a big, then I read an article

about three months ago, and then Josh Wolfe was saying he had a conversation with Dave Groh. And Dave Groh was saying the same thing. And you want me to hear what's really missing from music? Drugs. You think so? Heroin. Yeah, it's got to make a comeback for these fucking people. It would be real. They showed some band last night. These guys have never even fucking drank club soda.

And that's why they're so uptight. Listen, when Guns and Rode... And they're stale and boring. Oh, boring. You've heard this shit before. Music is fucking horrible. It is fucking horrible. I try to listen to it like the fucking...

And the rap is fucking horrible. And that urban shit is fucking horrible. And I grew up on everything. I grew up on everything. country. I grew up on soul music. I grew up on black music. I grew up on fucking Spanish music and I'll tell it, that Spanish rap?

Oh, fuck. One of those Mexicans are shooting each other. That is horrific. That is, what is that called? Pit bull? No. Oh, what is he fucking saying? Where's his fucking stare? It's fucking terrible.

That shit. And I'm Spanish. I go to Miami, bro, and I want to shoot myself. Why? The young, the new breed, the young, The reggaeton. The reggaeton and all that shit. Come on. We were doing quailudes at a fucking club,

fucking standing there, holding the wall. What reggae fucking tongue. Oh, please. They do need heroin again. They are. No, they need it. They needed music again.

Those guys would do, imagine this, when they were on world tours at one point for like three years in a row. Like, they didn't fucking stop touring the world for a few years. Guns and Roses. You remember?

and like that appetite for destruction and the next album, they would just tour the world. Yes, they were tour the world and then tour the world again, and they were drinking like a handle of fucking Jack every night. Each guy was fucking just absolutely... Brought the Grammy Awards on ABC, you should have

seen them. They fucking... They were fucked up. They were always fucked up. On heroin? Everything. On national... Put it up on YouTube. The Guns and Roses accepting an award in the fucking 80s and 90s, you'd sit there and go, oh my God,

but at least they were real. At least they were fucking real. This last night, the scene I seen with Beyonce and Jay-Z, and I've always loved Beyonce. Everybody knows I love Beyonce. I love Jay-Z too. But, you know, somebody's got to fuck somebody after a while.

There's too much money involved there. There's too much money. There's too many fucking hose. And in the black world, they're fucking slippery, those dirty hos. Pay my bills, all that shit. You wrote that shit, bitch. You wrote that shit, bitch.

You know, what do you think? There's got to be a hot 21-year-old black chick right now that wants that Jay-Z dick. A little apartment in Harlem. What? Close to a Popeye's. What? Thousands of them like that.

What's up? Nothing. Did you find it? It was in 92 maybe? Yeah, go ahead. Do you want to play it? Yeah, look what they fucking look like. Look how.

No, that's music. Accepting a fucking... Yeah, they're walking up. to accept the award with the music plan all right play play play play play it you'd like to thank Andy Moorhan

Warren too late up Josh Richman Louis Marciano Eddie Rosenz got fucking records sitting there laying there how many guys have sunglasses oh yeah this has nothing to do with Michael Jackson

at least two at least yeah there's one guy in the background yeah I think it was like 91 because the home came out in 88 87 I got sentenced, 88, 88. And fucking... You got sentenced in 88?

Yeah, and that's how I remember that. That whole... When I got sentenced, the hot video was Sweet Child of Mine. Oh, that was a fucking hot video. Okay, that was the hot video. Welcome to the Jungle was already hot. It was sweet child of mine.

And once I got locked up, everybody, every fucking white guy in jail. Had that album. I had Guns and Roses. That was the shit, man. That album was fucking amazing. Appetite for this rock. I used to walk around to that.

I had the cassette, too, with a fucking Walkman and shit. Paradise City? Paradise City. Well, do you think, like, Beyonce knows. Like, they must know that they're cheating because, of course. Somebody fuck the sister. Look, she knows that he's a guy who's a fucking rapper who's worth $500 million. And he gets pussy thrown at him literally from while he's asleep until the next day when he goes to sleep again.

and that he can't, you know, and he's on, and he's fucking, you know, touring all over the world, too. I think it's, she knows that she knows that she can probably resist more than he can, for sure. Because, I mean, I've been to, like, the comedy shows and girls. Like, that girl at the fucking Steakhouse came up to you just to, and, like, it's easy, like, when it's not that often. Like, you guys are only on the road for, like, a little weekend. But, like, I can't imagine, like, NBA players and, like, baseball players. It's amazing. Girls run, they know what hotels they stay at.

They work there. Girls in those towns know what hotels they're staying at, what teams, what bars they go to, and that's what they fucking do. That's the most pussy crushing that goes on. Like baseball players? Basketball. Basketball.

Basketball for sure. I think so. Yeah. I think baseball would probably be next. Because this is so long of a season? A long-ass season. You travel and you go to those same towns for like multiple so you get your fucking regular squeezes in.

You know what I mean? They're playing that division game a few times. And baseball, they're like, you know, they're not even fucking tired after the game. Like, I fucking stood on third for half of the afternoon. They go back. Now they want to work out. Basketball, though, those guys are all about fucking crushing it, dude.

And those chicks are trying, half of them are trying to get pregnant. Oh, that's scary. That's the whole fucking game. Like they'll pick up condoms out of the trash. Or at least to get dark. To get dirt on them to get some kind of money. And you get these, and they're like, you know, they wait. They'll fucking bring room service to you.

These girls are like, they're sneaky, man, in the NBA world, they'll fucking, they'll bring you the room service you ordered. Jesus. Do you ever get it? Because, I mean, everyone knows that you guys are married. I don't know if you talk about it in your act or not, but, I mean, it just, they put pictures of, like, JZ next to Beyonce. Everyone knows he's married to Beyonce, but they just don't care.

It's a different thing. man, they're superstars. They're not, they're not, it's not like they're, you know, I think it's, he's a rapper. Like, they know that rappers are not like, you know, like trying to be upstanding and, and he's a fucking rapper, man. He talks about beating it up and tossing it out and it's like, you know, I'll give you that sweet, that nasty, that, gushy stuff. Like, that, like, that's a fucking rap lyric of his.

It's just about beating it up. I think it's different, man. When you're a musician and you're a world, I mean, he's world famous. You can take him anywhere in the world. It's different. People are super attracted to fame. You know? If he wasn't famous, it would be way different, man.

And there's a lot of freaks out there. There's a lot of women that want to fuck. There's a lot of women that want to fuck a celebrity, you know, a J-Z type. That's a huge get. He's a, you know, he's a gazillionaire. You know, I mean, they're going through whatever. There's a lot of people out there with that pussy. They want to ruin a life.

You know? That's the other chance you take. So it's got to be something on his staff. They got to do it the right way. I mean, where's Jay Z going to go in New York? That somebody's not going to know Jay Z. You know where? Okay, so Jay Z goes.

He probably has guys that their job is to, like, line up his pussy for him. You know what I mean? That's a pretty good job. And go to your mother's house. I can leave him. When I go to Boston, I'm going to give you a plane ticket out of town. You're going to get the house fixed up. Yeah.

I'm going to have a chick sent over there and fuck her at your house. I'm going to go over there. You're going to go out the back door. I'll give you $5,000. What do I give a fuck? I'm worth $10 billion fucking dollars. What do I give a fuck? And that's the only way,

but all that trickery has to get tired. Yeah, that's exactly. It has to get tired. I couldn't do it. I couldn't do it. I couldn't just meet somebody and hide and take a car. All that for, I come in a minute. You know, all that for eating your ass,

you know, and then having to go home and miss you, and then you start getting a boyfriend now. Fuck's with my situation at my house because now you want that. that always evolves. Yeah. You know, only a 21-year-old would fall for that. A young man would fall for that. You know what it's about, man?

It's about energy. I wouldn't have the energy to keep up with that shit. And that's why I'm always amazed by when guys who do that, who have, like, the fucking six girls. I'm like, just when they tell me about it, I'm like, this sounds fucking exhausting. You have fucking five girlfriends, and then, you know, two others that don't know about the...

I'm like, that whole... world is like your whole like they put so much energy into that I don't know how they get anything else done you know what I mean like that's their whole life yeah I always felt I didn't have a lot of friends like that but I have like three or four of them and I always kind of felt bad for them because I always knew that one they were going to get nailed and this comes to an end yeah and two you're going to pay for your sins tonight you're going to get on the other side yeah you know I was in a jacuzzi had to be somewhere of four seasons. I was a Joe or something like that.

And I went to a jacuz and I was a guy and I think I told you after a four conversation he told me that his wife was cheating on him for 20 years. Fuck, man. 20 years. And here's the funny thing. She worked for a doctor. He's a doctor.

They all went on vacations together while they were on vacations. They would cheat. Wow. The guy was telling me all this and it's like they were married. And he goes, I don't know what to do. I'm old now.

I don't know whether I should keep her or... And I thought I always thought about that conversation. Now, what the fuck? I mean, what the... 20-something years you're cheating on. That'd be devastating to fucking hear, man. That'd be devastating. You just ruin the fucking life. That guy's going to die with that on his fucking mind.

But his wife cheated on him for 20-something years. That die is definitely... She's definitely going to die in a houseblaze or something. I mean... And it's getting more accepted. You've heard of Tinder, right? Have you heard of Joey, like the dating app where you just wipe if you think they're hot? Like, they have things now, and it's like people put on Twitter like, oh, I have the side chick.

And I keep my phone out all the time, like when I'm at home, I'm at home, I have it out next to me. And if Paula sees it, she's going to look at, like, if I had to like constantly be worried about someone texting me. That would consume you. Yeah. Yeah, of course. And it's, I mean, I can understand where, like, if someone's out on the road, they have needs. But it's just like, why even get married then? Like, all these people getting split.

Like, why even get married? Listen, man, we're all sinners, right? That's the thing. We're all weak. There comes a point where they're weak. You know, today I got in the car and I got home. My wife was working because I told my wife, I don't want to stay in tonight because I'm going to be in the next three fucking nights.

You know, next two nights. I'm not good at staying in the whole fucking day. I'm good at staying in the morning. I'm writing jokes. I'm making phone calls, but after a while, you're going to get the fuck out of the house. And I said, you know, let's go eat something. I mean, I was going to the car. You know, Mercy weighs 20-something fucking pound.

I'm carrying her. My wrist is hurting. My knee hurts. I'm putting her in her car seat. And I'm thinking on myself, what would I do to blow this? Right. A line of Coke. Eating some 20-year-old girl's pussy for five fucking minutes and coming on her neck.

And then she's going to twit me for 18 fucking days straight. You know, what's going to change this? What could change that? For some guys, that's not enough. That's not enough, you know? I knew early on I got cheated on when I was young. I knew that wasn't for me. That feeling I got from being cheated on,

I knew I never wanted to give that to somebody. So I knew it wasn't for me. Then there was another flip to that coin. If I have a friend, listen, you want to cheat on your girlfriend. She deserves to be cheated on. I don't fucking know. But once we're talking about wives, if I have a friend that cheats on his wife,

I really can't hang out with that dude. even when I was a criminal, because I knew if he rolled on his wife, he definitely rolled on me. If he had no dedication to whoever sucked his dick, because my dedication to whoever sucks my dick, you understand me? I don't know about you. I'm an ugly dude. I don't get my dick sucked a lot,

but my point being that that was how I thought. That was how I thought from a street perspective, that this guy's cheating on his best friend. This guy's definitely going to roll on me. I'm keeping this fucking light. I, why are you, no, no business, because I know it. So that was the mentality I came from. I'm not going to tell you, I don't like my dick getting sucked.

You do a show, you bump into a curtain, some chick is sucking dick through a curtain, your dick accidentally goes in her mouth like the peanut butter commercial, your chocolate with my peanut butter. What just happens? Shit happens. Sometimes a woman wants to smoke a pole, she's walking around on her knees.

I'm a short guy, my zippers open. I don't fucking know, but nobody's going to sit here and say that we haven't had thoughts or whatever. Right. You know, every man is weak. It's, the thing I don't want

is making the call and hooking up with somebody. Oh, man. And having to go home and tell a while. And then you have it on your back. You know, for months I was on that testosterone

and I heard all these people telling me how there's hot Asian chicks giving massages and sucking your dick for $150. I'll borrow $150. I don't go, fuck.

And I wouldn't do it. Yeah. I wouldn't do it as much as I would go by that place by they said it by Di Agostino by the ha ha ha they got a place there with Asian chicks

don't stick the tongue up your ass with a saran rap and they're disgusting I heard I heard they're fucking disgusting you heard the conversation Red Band Oh yeah red band said he put like a baggie around his dick

Yeah and another guy was telling me at the ha ha ha that he goes there in the afternoon and for a buck and a quarter the chick let him fucking eat her pussy and I'm like why would you want to eat this chick snatch And he was telling me that it was Asian

It was different from, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't get yourself a clean agent. You're eating fucking massage parlor pussy on Lancashem? Do you know what's going to fucking happen to your teeth? A dentist won't even be able to solve that fungi on the fucking teeth. That fucking Lancashem dick fungi on your fucking teeth. You can't wash that off with toothbrush and Colgate. Colgate ain't got a fucking bell.

Yeah, there's Listerine. That shit's there for good. Now, you're right, though, man. You can't roll with that, dude. I know guys, but you can't like hang with that guy, you know. If he's like the fucking, the guy who's always like, you know, lying to his wife. And on top of that, I know the building's about to fall on top of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, talking about Shug Nye before.

As soon as I see Shug Nye walk into a restaurant, I get for the check. In fact, I might even dine and dash. Because I know the building's about to fucking come down. Exactly. The building's about to come down. I asked that motherfucker where he was on 9-11. I guarantee that motherfucker was standing out. they were an umbrella.

You know what I'm saying? That's the type of love that fuckers guy. Shugnights are fucking, you know, he's just got the kiss of death on him. You know, those guys were involved in something. When you're involved in something and all that level, it's like when I got in trouble with Kent Vela, at the time I kidnapped Kent. I wouldn't have thought I was going to get in trouble.

But now in hindsight, there was too many moving pieces. Do you ever think about that if you did that crime today, like the exact same crime in 2014, wouldn't it be way more severe? your punishment? Yes? Like if you have your If you did the exact same

thing right now I thought it would be more severe I think jail might not have been as easy. The severity. Well, at this age, no. At this age, no. You're only going to go into a fucking jungle,

into a medium. Remember, anything over like four years, they're going to put you into medium level. Medium level. You got some heavy duties in there. Yeah. You got some heavy duties that are on their way back.

people who were up on the high tears who were going down in time. They had 12 years. They got six left. They had no problems. They're still the same human being. But do you think the sentence would be the same? Would the sentence be the same?

Yeah, today. That's what I was thinking. No, it was a different time. Yeah. There was different mitigating circumstances. There was a lot of what ifs. He did this. You know, I left it open.

They couldn't figure it out. Yeah. They couldn't figure me out. If I wouldn't have had the things I had going for me, a job, no prior convictions. So no priors, wouldn't this happen? No, I had arrests. Okay. Big difference.

I'm a man without convictions. At the time, I had been convicted of one misdemeanor, which was a six months deferred sentence, which meant if I didn't get arrested in those six months, boom, it fell off my record. But it wasn't a violent crime. No, it was a pot crime in New York in January, February. I got convicted in March of 83. So after, and it was New York, which means six-month probation was really, after 90 days he told me, don't ever call him again.

He's just so busy. I went to see him. And when I went to see him, I go, listen, this ain't even, we don't even have to shake hands. What are you talking about? I'm moving to Colorado with your permission on the 25th, and he goes, you're absolutely right. He goes, this is what we're going to do.

Just call me every month on the tent. He goes, why are you wasting my time and your time? You'll leave it anyway. Corrine, yeah. He didn't even ask you for my transfer. So he could have stopped, though? Could he have stopped it if you wanted to? He could have said, you have to wait until the six months.

I want you to take a drug program. At that time, drug programs weren't intact yet. See, now they have drug programs. So now if Lee gets leaves here tonight, and he gets caught with a gram of blow, okay, his attorney is going to go first thing tomorrow morning they're going to grab Lee, a good Jew attorney is going to grab Lee after bail and

throw him in a rehab. First thing. He's not even going to make fucking his first whatever. Fuck it, he was dabbing that type. That's what a smart attorney would do. That's what a smart attorney would do. Grab Lee, first offense. No DUI. Throw him into a fucking, they might give him

driving under the influence. Throw him into a rehab for 30 days, come out, then go in front of the judge and work to process that way. There's got to be a program where first-time offenders, if they have no police record, they think that they're never going to have a rate of recidivism. They'll give you like four-year probation, which is a debt sentence also. Yeah. Because that means if you do anything in four years, like Chris Brown, you're in there again. That's the problem when you get sentenced to those probation. Don't get that fucking grand. So a lot of people go, fuck it. I'll

take the year in jail because I don't want to do four years of probation. Really? A lot of people. Fuck. They don't want to live under a magnifying glass. Life is tough enough out there. I got to walk around with a probation officer pissing the bottle. You got a guy, when I got out of prison, I got put on community corrections. That sucked dick. And after I fucked up, leave. They would come to my house at 11 o'clock at night. Mr. Diaz, we know you're there.

Both your cars. Come on down, please. Come down, open the door. I have a sheriff with me. We're going inside to get a year in test. 11 o'clock at night. Really? And this is in Boulder. Boulder. This was in Boulder.

Now, when I got arrested for the kidnapping, my first mistake was the lawyer told me, he goes, checking the rehab, first drink tomorrow morning. I'm like, fuck that, I ain't got a Coke, bro. Didn't claim responsibility. But would claim responsibility right there and gone to the rehab for 30 days, I would have came on into a different situation. Yeah. They couldn't question me.

They couldn't. You follow me? That's the other end of the coin. They can't get to you. They can't get to you. Yeah. Now it gives us a little time to get our action. These are the moves when you have the money and the finances.

A lot of people, when you're doing drugs, a dollar to come out of your pocket, there's a dollar that comes out of your nose. You're not going to put money up to get help. But a smart player goes to a rehab. It's like my friend, whenever he used to get in trouble when you were kids, he shot somebody or he got caught burning a house one time. He faces a heart attack because that gives you three days. It's an old Jew trick.

Oh, right. Fake a heart attack? You fake a heart attack. You don't have to talk to nobody for three days, you know what I'm saying? They got to wait until you come back. They can't go into the, they'll put a cop outside your door, but your attorney could still go in there and chit-chat where you, when the cops come in, we need to talk to him.

He's not ready yet. You got a heart attack, get out of here, you're going to stress them. They don't want to stress your heart. You can sue. You follow me? Right, right. You know what's that movie with Cleeneaswood, the enforcer? No.

Where Cleeneyso walks right into a fucking restaurant, and the mafia is having a dinner. And he walks right up on the gun and he goes, hey, what I have in my hand is a subpoena. Tomorrow morning you're going to go to jail for the murder of Lysayat and for that girl. You're here sitting with your daughter. Why don't you tell your family how you raped that girl and then dragged her and put him in a trunk of a car and killed her? There's a subpoena. I'll see you in court tomorrow.

That's scum back. And he throws a subpoena. The guy grabs his heart, has a heart attack. The brother-in-law takes out to blank sheet of fucking paper. You know what I'm saying? Fucking deathly. It's one of those the enforcers. one of those dirty Harries.

It's one of those dirty Harries. So it's amazing the tricks you could fucking play. Yeah, that's the other thing, the smart move, you know when celebrities fuck up, like when they make a big public fuck up, it's always straight to rehab, no matter what. Straight to rehab. If they say, you know, they say something,

like the recorded conference, like Mel Gibson, you know, then they're like, he's got a problem. He's going to go to rehab now. It's just that tactic to, like, buy yourself. But now people see through it. Like when celebs do it, it like when they say something crazy or racist then they're like I'm going to rehab

then people now are like that's fucking bullshit man that's such bullshit we know it's a move we're going deep to learn it's over speaking of I can't do anymore then all of us will no no no I'm speaking of so Tom just ran into Mike Tyson Mike did yeah

you run into everybody you ran into what's his name the rapper a couple weeks ago too Big Daddy Kane where'd you run into him dude this was crazy for Kane I talk about him in my special and I have a bit where I talk about seeing him and yelling out to him and they put it on YouTube so I sent I tweeted him like hey man did you see this and he wrote back like it's hilarious somebody told me about it so I thought it was

cool and that that was it you know he tweeted me back and then like two days later I'm home and I get a voicemail like I walk to the car and I see I got a voicemail and I check it and it's Big Daddy Kane he's like what up time I'm chilling over at your boy Russell's house, Russell Peters. So then Russell texted me, he's like, Kane's over here right now. Come over to my house. I was like, get the fuck out.

So I drove over there. He could not be a cooler dude. He told me that his engineer, you know, that he, like in the studio, saw the bit and told him about it and that a bunch of people have pointed. But he couldn't have been, and now I tweet with him like all the time.

He's just, he's a cool dude, man. What about Tyson? What did you bump into that Saturday? On a flight, on a flight from L.A. to Pittsburgh. And, man, people go nuts when they see Tyson. People go nuts. And he's great. He's, and he's gracious.

He shook everybody's hand. Everybody's hand. Everybody. He's very fucking. You know what? You see? Is that the amount of people, you know, like, every, like, people that are Joey Diaz fans, yeah, there's a wide variety.

Or, you know, let's take another, like, another, another. actor or artist or athlete there's like but there's that range of person that's like your fan with Tyson old white ladies uh fucking teenage black kids

uh 45 year old white guys in other words everybody wants to say something to him it's not just who like you know a certain demographic it's the whole fucking world boarding the plane stopped and said something they held up the fucking line to board where the flight attendant was like

you have to keep you have to keep moving and they're like I want to talk to Mike like I can't believe they didn't board him last well you know what are you going to do like they can't really do anything so they yeah we're Russian you know how funny is that he got convicted of rape

and went to prison there's something about people and they get convicted of the rape they have power over people and they walk over a room motherfucker's like that dude went to prison to rape I got to shake his fucking out. I gotta get his fucking autograph. I doubt they brought that up when they were saying hi. They do that damn that motherfucker. These old white guys were kissing his ass. Yeah it's

amazing. I've seen him at U.S. I seen him when that whole thing came when he first went to a UFC how people going nuts. People and I love him. He's an interesting guy man. He's a very interesting guy and it's amazing that he's prevailed. It is. It's amazing that he's had 22 lives. He's had tremendous pain, you know, he lost a kid at his house. I mean, guys, you have no idea. He lost his father, his family, his training. He was sexually abused. That guy's always got a fucking smile on his face.

And yeah, they got him on medication or whatever. You know, when he's around, too, you don't know. Like, sometimes you're looking at him, oh, man, this guy might snap if he snaps. He's got that look in his eye. He's got that look on his eye, you know, and that's a... And by the way, he could still fucking wreck somebody. Really? He's in his name?

Yeah. No, he's not in good shape for him. Like, he'd consider himself out of shape right now. But he still has the power? Dude, you see it. I mean, you can see... First of all, like, when he moves, it just moves his arm. Like, he has an enormous...

But, you know, he's got the walk. Like, the walk comes from... It's like a power way of walking. Like, he throws his hips the same way you get power and a punch. You know, it's all from, like, the lower body. And he's just... He literally, he walks. It looks like a fucking pit bull.

You know, it's like... You know that he could absolutely, if you want to do it. And there's two shots against you. Because you might put your hand up and catch the one, and he'll just going to hit you in the chest, and the air's going to go out of your chest. And he's going to come up with that fucking left hook. And that's it.

And that's it for you. And, you know, that's the people that were fighters that got used to it. Yeah. Guys like me and you, we just go down. Oh, yeah. You'll start bleeding internally. Oh, weird. I was talking, not, I talked to him about fighting for a while.

He came to my show. That's the other thing. I met him on a plane, and then he came to the show. It's fucking bananas. And he hung out in the green room and fucking, we just talked about fighting. But I was talking to somebody about, you know, he was trained by Custamato and then the other guy that was like in the ring with him all the time as Teddy Atlas, who calls fights now on like ESPN. He's great. He's fantastic.

And they were saying that somebody asked him, I guess, on one of these shows. So was Tyson like this just natural like savant fighter like a prodigy? He got in the ring and just knew how to fight. And they said that he was powerful as shit. That is natural, but he was getting hit a lot. He was getting hit all the time. And then they said that when we taught him how to slip punches, and then when he learned that, nobody wanted to fight him anymore.

Like nobody wanted to spar with him anymore. Once he knew how to slip punch, because he was getting hit a lot. Yeah. But once he knew how to slip punches, they were like, we had to like fucking bust people in to fight him. them because everybody around there was like, no, I'm good, man. Like, that was...

Did they have these on tape somewhere? Because I've never seen a Mike Tyson. I know of them or have seen clips. But, like, an entire Mike Tyson fight. Do they have, like, just reels? Oh, yeah. I would love to see that somewhere. Oh, yeah, man.

You can... Dude, YouTube has... YouTube. Hours. Okay. Hour. Fights. Hours.

YouTube has a guy that probably put together just his knockouts to get you started. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just his knockouts to get you started. And that's, you know, I got addicted to Roberto Dorell on YouTube. Okay. Do you want to hear this?

Go ahead. Okay, so, well, first of all, you know, I meet him on the plane and he couldn't be nicer. We're brother Doran. No, no, no, no, Tyson, Tyson. And we, anyways, I talked to him for a while on the plane and I give him my number and he ends up texting me and then calling me and then coming to the show in Pittsburgh, which is fucking bananas. And then we're in the green room and we're talking about, you know, I'm just, I can't

believe him fucking, he came to my show. I'm just talking. I'm just like asking them questions. And then we talk about workouts. And I was like, you know, how his workouts, if you want to see something insane, it's like him worked just a gym workout when he's like 18, 19, 20, 21, they're the most, they're bananas, okay? Like jump rope with the bag and then speed back and then the sit-ups. Like, these guy worked out, it's just like, you can't even wrap your head around it. I told him I was watching also because different, you know, all those The doctors are just tremendous fucking, they're amazing athletes. Roy Jones Jr. do it. And then Tyson goes, no, man, my guy is the Roberto Duran. And I go, what? And he goes, yeah, that's my guy. That's your school of thought.

Robert Duran was a school of thought. And you could see the people who, you could see Kenneson people. You could see Dice people. You could see that I'm from the Dice School of Thought. I'm also from the Rodney Dangerfield School of Thought. even though I love Bill Hicks or whatever. He's from the Roberto Duran School, I thought, which is to go in there and fucking kill you.

It's a different savage. And I know that the work, I read the Duran book. And, you know, I know a lot of people who knew Duran, and it was fucking crazy. And yeah, he's got the reputation for no months, but there's more behind that story. Yeah, what do you think happen to boxing? Because, like, these fighters took over the country,

like Ali, Tyson, all these people. And now it's just nowhere. It's just almost gone. You know, it's all peaks and valleys. You know, what was it? In the comedy boom was the mid-80s? Yeah, through the 80s, and the death started in like early, like 91, 92. You know, everything goes peaks and valleys.

Then it came back in 2000. For 10 years it was dead. Boxing, it seems like it's been done a little longer. It has been, yeah. Than 10 years, you know? You know what you need, man? You need an awesome, like if Floyd Mayweather, He was, by the way, huge draw, still sells huge tickets.

Yeah. But if he was a heavyweight, we are just obsessed with bigger and better. Bigger is always what. If he was, as good as he is, a heavyweight, boxing would be even, like, way more popular. Yeah, I mean, we love a heavyweight. I guess that's kind of the same in UFC. Everyone likes the John Dotson and, like, the small guys, but everyone comes out for the, like, light heavyweight and up, or middleweighting up, I guess. They want to see it, man.

They want to see it. Do you see the ads that are out for like, it's like knockout boxing, it's like a tiny ring. It's just a circle and they just, there's no space. So like all they can do is just throw handmakers at each other. It's been on TV for pay-per-view. It's crazy. Really? It's just, it's a small ring.

There's no cage. There's no ropes. So it's just. You know, the other thing that, I'm sorry to cut you off. No, it's fine. But about a guy like Tyson, too, is that he knew how popular he was. And he knew that people wanted to see a show. He was aware of that.

And a lot of guys who fight these days, you'll see a lot of things about boxers now is like, I mean, you know, a good boxer does, you know, learn your style, learn what you're doing, and adapt and try to attack your weaknesses. But Tyson, on top of having that skill, was still aware that, like, not only is this arena full, but millions and millions of people, I'm going to put, like, I'm going to go for it because I know people want to see the knockout. So even if he doesn't get it, he would go for the knockout because he knows that part of it is being a showman. That's part of being a world-class prize fighter. It's a show.

You know, you want to see, you don't want to watch a guy dance for fucking 10 rounds, do you? No. I don't see a guy just fucking slip in and fucking run around the ring. I want to see him go for the knockout. That's when everyone stands up. I don't know anything about boxing, but that's one of the criticisms I heard of Mayweather, Jr., is that his past few fights, he wins, but it's just, you know, he wins because he's a smarter box or it's not he's he's the most skilled in that class i think by far i think he's the most so he has the skills to do whatever he wants i think the older he gets

the more he definitely wants to keep that zero in the loss column and even though he can he could go in there and just trade punches and probably end up doing some severe damage maybe even knock people out or down at least. I think as he knows the career is winding down, the zero in the loss column becomes more precious. And you go like, dude, I want to go down as no losses. I think that's in his head. You know, it's funny how he's fighting Canelo next.

Again. Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, you're right. Yes, it is. And it's, no. Canelo just fought. Right, right, right. So he's fighting the guy. He's rematching the guy.

right right Argentine Marquez no no was he fighting oh man I'm gonna look for yeah he's rematching

that dude that took into 14 rounds or 15 rounds that was a great fight the Argentini yeah yeah yeah and then but it's funny how

when I was growing up Madonna Madonna yeah Madonna it was like you know you had Duran and Sugar Ray Letter and Thomas Hearns

and you know Marvin Hagler and it was just this whole Alexis Argo You had these personalities. And yes, Muhammad Ali was still there, you know. But you had, it seems like it's not like that in boxing.

You have three or four guys that you're basically interested in that you know of. True. And you do it. That's how I feel. That's how I am with boxing. I know the Kishko. Kletchko guys. The Kuzko brothers.

I know. Pachiao. It sounds crazy. But, like, well, part of it is that we're speaking as Americans in America. But we need Americans in the whatever's the biggest thing in the division for whatever sport to be the best for America to be into it. Wow. If Team USA got to the final, like won for sure. But if they even got to the finals of the World Cup, you would see a crazy boost.

There's a boost that happened. More people than ever in this country watched that. Like the World Cup became more interesting to them and soccer and you saw the interest go up. I saw more people than ever talking about it and watching those. If that team were to go on further, you would see something crazy happen. And the same thing happens with that. The clitchcos are bad for American fans of boxing. Because ultimately they don't give a shit.

We know who they are, but no one cares. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like we need Americans to fucking dominate for us to be really excited about it. That's true. That's true. And I noticed that even at UFC matches. I've always said the Christmas card, the New Year's card after Christmas Day,

that card has to be a little bit more American than most of the cards throughout the year. A lot of people go to Vegas, they buy tickets just to go see the UFC, and they know, you know, you want the Chuck Liddell's on that card. You want the Captain America on that card. You want the Rich Franklin's on that card. For which show? The Christmas show. The Christmas one.

This year, it's January 2nd. But they usually have a December 29 show December 28th. If you look at those throughout the year, for those to really be good, you have to stop touching the mic. Somebody keep touching the mic. Bo boom. Move your cell phones away from the fucking mics and shit. And I've noticed it that on those cards throughout the year,

they can have Brazilians headline that card. But for that December 29th, they always like, like Rhonda Rousey and Gina Carrano would do great on that card. This year, now it's Cornere against John Jones. You know, that's a well-known. You follow me, but they'll have Gina Carrano and whatever. They want that on that. So it's just amazing.

And when you go to the UFCs, you hear people chanting. And I forget sometimes, you ask Sam. Like, why the fuck are they chant? Oh, he's fighting a Brazilian guy. He's fighting a Chinese guy. Well, you'll see it, too. If you do the road one, like, I've gone to one in Australia, and I've gone to one in Canada.

And whenever they obviously bring out the fighter from that kind of, country, the place goes nuts, which makes total sense. I don't mind if they go nuts. It's when it's not going to US. Oh, well, that's different. And now that's poor little fucking Chinese guy in the UFC, he's feeling bad. He's in the ring by himself. You feel bad about that?

I really do. It embarrasses me. Like, you're making he's our guest. And you're making them fucking feel better. Let me see you fly 12 hours from your country without an octopus next to you or whatever the fuck they eat. And then you go to Vegas and you got to fucking lose 10 pounds, and you got to walk and then you've got to fight some guy. And while you're fighting,

yelling USA and you're from little fucking Hong Kong, you know, you're 5 foot 6. You know what I'm saying? You were trained to be a butler and here you are. People are yelling fucking USA, USA. So it bothers the fuck out of me when I go to those things. I'm like, really? I always get uncomfortable

just at that chant honestly anywhere. Like that took for some reason you know, maybe it's like some weird like thing about if you're from like the most powerful country in the the world to hear people chant it at like bar

I get uncomfortable with it you know I mean like I just do even obviously in this country when people are like I feel like it's almost obnoxious like to be makes me feel bad yeah I don't know why I just feel badly

well if he's a little Jew kid he's in there boxing he's a fucking like Lee like Lee nice kid your buddy Bissping kicked ass this past weekend I didn't even get to see the whole thing but just I saw the end

oh my god Conno Lee you know we were talking about that with Rich Franklin last week Conno Lee's 40 three years old. Your body is one thing. Yeah. You know, uh, you never really want to accept your age. You always accept, well, I'm in great shape of 51. Great. Great. That doesn't mean I'm going to go fight somebody. Yeah. You know, when you're, I think after a certain age, I got to look at him. By looking at his face, my thing comes right in. His vision, his, his, his hand,

the coordination was completely fucking off. Or Bisming takes, took speed tablets and you can't his fucking hands. Look at his face. Nobody could punch you that many fucking times. And, bro, I'm telling you, your reactions go after a certain age. You think your hands here, but it's really

fucking down here. You know, he's 40 fucking two years old. Okay, how many TRT shots you think unless you stick them out in your fucking eyeballs and you can see through walls. It ain't going to fucking help you, you know what I'm saying? Do you feel your hand-eye coordination change? No, but I know it did.

I know I still can't steal a basketball from you you know when I was fucking 16 I can like to lift the ball from you if you were dribbling so as well left your hand I'm on you I got your shorts you're dead I can't do that now I can't do that I was telling the jih Tzu guy yesterday and I he goes that's a great pass I do this this tackle pass and he goes you have to you really getting good that's all I got oh no I'm 51 I can't move my foot to drop the knee in your belly I can't do that I'm trying it you flip me right now over. All I got is the tackle pass. That means I put your fucking ankles together and I put

this shoulder on your knees and I work you up like a spider. And then I try to choke you, go for your fucking arm before I lay on you for 15 minutes and get my oxygen back. You know, I'm not going to lie to nobody here, but that's what works for me at this age. Sure. I'm 300 pounds. If I tackle pass you and pin your knees down and put my shoulder into you, I got you. You're trying to fight me sideways. It ain't going to work. I got your legs. It's over. I took your legs from me. Now I lay. on top of you until you huff and puffed and I start going for your fucking arm. Whoever huffs and puffs first, the most.

There was a puddle of sweat under my head. I kept looking at it. I was laying on top of the guy, but I was sideways, and the sweat was hidden. And I looked down, and it was fucking three inches of moisture. Jiu-Jitza, you sweat so fucking much. Plus, it's rainy-fucking degrees. Have you done it, Lee? No, I haven't.

I just started working out like two months ago. Lee's on the elliptical. He's a purple belt in the elliptical again. Is that what you're doing, elliptical? That's what I've been doing for. for now, but then... Ready for another Halloween. No, I'm fine.

But there was like a Groupon deal for like 25 classes for, no, 15 classes for 25 bucks right down the street. So, and Joey's been telling me to do new stuff because it's going to get boring. And it is a little bit, I mean, cardio has been working for me so far, but I figure in 15 kettlebell classes

I could learn the basic technique and then do it on my own. Is that what you're doing? Yeah, I mean, I haven't taken a class yet, but... That's what you're going to do. Yeah, I'm going to try to. just I've never I I I was on teams a little bit in high school but I was never good it was just I was just doing it so were you on exercise played one I played freshman year of football and then I wrestled yeah yeah but it was you played football fucking nothing I never I didn't play when I was a little kid and I the first time

I ever went was freshman year and I was terrible I think I I played like two plays the entire year but it was just I don't know it was they put you on the line of course I mean I wasn't I was it wasn't this big and I can't run but it was and I was always terrible at sports where was this what city? Right outside of Boston, like 45 minutes outside of Boston and the school was terrible at football but um did you get fucking wrecked

do you remember? No I I mean a couple times during practice and then okay so one time during football practice I almost thought I was going to puke and I pretended I did so I could get out of the rest of practice because I just I It wasn't for me, but when I first started working out a couple months ago, the first time I lifted it a little bit past, like the first day I did it, I slept for 15 hours.

Like the first time I went over, like, I tried pushing myself. I had to sit in the gym locker room for like 10 minutes because I was sure I was going to puke. Really? Yeah, oh yeah. This is in what, how old? This is two weeks ago? I'm 26. This is two weeks ago?

Yeah. Like a month and a half ago, yeah. But, no, it's crazy how much I can do now. and it's a lot of fun, but it's just, yeah, it's awesome, man. I was never good at it. And I know my kids are going to be terrible at it, but I think it's important to do sports, and I think even if you're going to be bad at it.

Yeah, of course. Because, like, I was always a bigger kid, but, like, I didn't. You were bad at that because you never gave it a chance. No, I was just, I was battled everything, but you had to give it a chance. I was horrible at fucking basketball, my sixth grade year. I'm a short Jew. What do you want me to play?

We don't do anything. Horrible. You got to be good at something. No. You got to be good lifting weights, a strength team. You know what I was? The one thing I was happy with is I never really got pinned in wrestling. I was always able to kind of like sneak out.

I would lose a lot, but I would sneak out the whole time. But do you guys have like plays you remember? I remember I was in like second grade and the highlight of my baseball career was one, I hit a triple one game and then once at second base, the guy hit it right into my glove. I didn't even have to move my hand. I don't know. I have like vivid because I have so little sports highlights.

Oh, that's why. For sure. I remember that plays for the same reason. Yeah. I remember plays because our bank of them is small, tiny. Well, I mean, I have it like basically a bank from like fourth grade through high school. But then if you talk to somebody that played college or professional, obviously like their bank of memories, you know. But like I vividly remember like certain.

I remember getting my actually a guy like the first like not just. big strong guy but savvy you know I mean by savvy like this dude actually figured out most in the high school level you're not talking about like it's just like your pure ability yeah like are you a really good athlete are you a mediocre athlete and then you're just using your athlete but some guys are like like tacticians and it's really rare at that age I remember this guy just being able to like read what I did and then I remember one of his moves like was just to give you a head slap over your ear hole and he was a in football yeah Yeah, man. Those ring differently. Those fucking hurt so much more than like somebody throwing a shoulder or arm into your chest.

Like he gave me the head slap on the side. I was like, what the fuck? And he knew what he was doing, you know? And like he knew, like he led me into it even. Like he like walked me into it and then came around with his big long fucking arm. He was probably 6-6, you know, like 6-5-6. And a big kid for a fucking high school kid like 270. he was a big guy and those guys like you don't you don't see that every like in high school team has that fucking guy you know

where he's not just like a big strong kid but he knows like the insides of like how to figure out what you're doing it's really rare yeah I was terrible really I was terrible in basketball I was terrible in baseball listen

the worst things to be is bad in baseball when you're Cuban okay and I joined the North Bergen leagues I joined the state stickball leagues in New York. I was good in New York. The problem I always had growing up,

and we never talked to, it's great. I had a big problem. Like, I was great in practice. Yeah. But I was horrible in games. So with baseball... Did you get nervous? I don't know what it was.

With baseball, I remember my highlight of baseball was winning the ball. Red Berry's baseball camp in Miami won some. I won the in league or of the week. Like, I was the best... the camper, yeah. Not the camper, not the best of the team, but for the week, I was the best infielder.

Okay. I was the first baseman, and I got two balls, and I threw a guy at second, and I got three hits. But then when I'd go to North Berwick, and I'd strike out, and balls would go between my legs. And then I tried basketball, and I was fucking horrible at that. And then I got into football.

And football, I showed a little promise when it was 13 to 15, because I couldn't play in high school because I was always 143. You couldn't weigh more than 1.35. What? So, yeah, in high school, not high school, grammar school, yeah.

The Eagles and the Red Raiders, so you had to be 125 and 135 for the Raiders. I was always tall and lanky, so I couldn't fuck. And my bones were happy. You know Joey Diaz, tall and lanky? Didn't you see the picture?

You saw a picture of course. No, no, no, no. He saw a real picture. Oh, another one. Okay. With my needle shoulder. I used to have my freshman year. And then again, freshman year I went out and I sucked in football.

But I tell you where I started to break out, karate. I would go to karate and I went to karate so much during the week that obviously you get good. So I would go to those little fifth grade, sixth grade tournaments, point sparring, and I would do good. Not as good as I'd do it in the fucking class, though. In the class, I always had great endurance and I always had flexibility. So I was into these nice little kung fu kicks. and shit. But in tournament, guys were kicking my legs and shit like that, and it was a different game. I would have to fight guys that weren't good at kicking legs. I would have to pick my

bracket, and I knew how to convince the fight. So, that's what made. Then basketball was where hard work came in. I knew I was bad, and I was so bad that I wrote to every college coach that I admired. I got a book, and I wrote to Duke, to Bill Foster. I wrote to Dean Smith. You wrote letters? Wrote in letters, the guy from Syracuse, Marty Head, he's been there for 30,000. Not Marty, I forget what his name is Jim. Calhoun?

No, that's Yukon. Beheim. Joe Beheim, I wrote him a letter in 77, 78, and they all sent me packages on how to improve. They did? Yeah. There's some quality about a real coach. These coaches all had packages at that time because they're recruits. Then I would send, I went to five-star.

First I went to Willis Reed basketball camp. then I went to Boo's basketball camp and then I went to another bat and I was really good. By the time I got to the eighth grade, people were like, what the fuck happened? It was all summer long.

It was riding a bicycle with a basketball in the middle, up and down hills, you know, go home, he did a sit against the wall and he did have worked on my defense, go back to the court, and, you know, I read that Jerry West

took 300 jump shots a day. Done, 300 jump shots is how I started my morning. I wouldn't even go play until I hit 300 jump shots and then I got on the bicycle and go to Union City, West New York, and you always was in front and it's just like comedy.

Yeah. That was the first blueprint of my comedy career. You know, you want to get good? You got to go to West New York. You got to go in the morning. You got to wait to get picked. And once they pick you, you better hoop

because if you don't hoop, they're never going to pick you again for another year. Oh, we had that white motherfucker he can't hoop. I used to take a bus to Hoboken. I used to fucking go everywhere. Then we started going into the city.

Fuck the freshman year, three white boys. Let's go into the buggy down. We go up there, get a nickel bag, smoke a fucking number, and play with the black dudes. But you had to cover your ass with him to have your back. If you didn't do well or you started trouble, you couldn't come back. So that's how I did it. So you're playing ball in the city doing this shit?

Fuck, yeah. All the way. Then once I went to freshman year, the dream got fucked up. I smoked some refa. I did a little crystal T. T.H. And I went to see the next day. new barbarians with Mick Jagger

with Ron Wood and the new barbarians and that was it. That was it. That's fucking badass. Joey running the courts and fucking the Bronx. Do you guys remember the worst that you ever did? Would you guys play for money? Once I didn't play high school ball anymore. I would play for money in the afternoons

buying Ashways. $10, $20. And then I would always be like I'm hurt. I'm not doing this no more. So guys would always like the guys in the bar would have a couple drinks and we'd get him for a grandma blow and shit and one day it was a situation that got into his car and got a chain he said we what what do you call that when you set people up

oh yeah yeah we were ringer or something yeah we were ringers we would set motherfuckers up but i remember one time being out of high school and and being a drug deal and a criminal and going to a party in sea caucus and me and some guys were at a party hanging out and these guys come up to say you want to play yeah 50 a game and i'm like and they're looking at me like let's tear these motherfuckers up it was a seven point game they scored seven unanswered points and took our money we just got in the car and went home we couldn't even believe it these guys were sensational where was it irish guys and see these white dudes just took it to do that boom what the fire i won nothing

two nothing and here's the crazy thing guys we were 18 19 yeah these guys were meant these guys like 28 just took our fucking 50 bucks. We went home depressed as fuck. Crazier when like I used to play a lot of basketball. Like basically up until high school and then I started again in college. So like I didn't play that much in high school after freshman year. And what's even crazier I feel like is like when I was like 22 and I probably got in the best shape I'd ever been. I'm playing basketball all the time.

And I played a game against two. It was me and one and a guy who was all. who was like 30 something against two sophomores in high school, two 15 year old kids, and they were unfucking believable. Like I was like, oh shit, like we are fucking at. We're like old guys. And I was 22 at the time. And in good, I mean, I was like 190.

I was running, working at playing ball all the time, pickup games all the time. And those two kids were, the kid that I cover was at least four inches. shorter than me and was jumping like a full foot higher than me. Like it was crazy to see somebody kick your ass like that who's 15 years old. You know it's amazing how I blame

a lot of things. Basketball broke my heart when I didn't really attain the goals I wanted them basketball. I really fucked in me for a long time. Really? And I think that when I started comedy I used the same work at ethic and I knew what I had to do not to fail like I did with basketball.

I took basketball. I took basketball all too seriously. And when I heard the first hurdle, I said, that's it. I can't take the heartbreak. Really? You know, I let it go. And listen, what had been in the NBA,

no. Well, I had stopped doing drugs, no. But I would have had something. I would have played those four years. I would have had something. My life, I don't know. I don't know. I just, a friend of mine called me last week

and said that he hadn't felt this bad in 30 years. He took his kid to college. and this guy's successful he's a friend of mine he's got three kids he said it didn't bother him when he took his older daughter as much as this daughter

because he realized what he didn't do with his life and I totally understood a couple weeks ago I went to the college somewhere and I'm like I wish I had the chance to come back to fucking here

as much as I know now like I always sell Lee when you go to interviews for anything they don't talk to you about Emerson College no nobody asks you about your college education to me because I didn't really get it the proper way

I always felt fucking guilty. Like if I knew now, like I was telling my wife about this, how I got this call and we were talking and she goes, you know, I feel the same way when I was talking to my niece about her classes. Like you, I would have done it different. I took a dog, when I went to college

they would give it away the minorities in Boulder. I was getting money from that fucking student union on a fucking, on a whim, just on a phone call. You got my credit at that, right? Just give me another 20. I decided to take a chemistry class and shit. It was amazing. And I feel bad that I didn't take advantage of all that.

I was a C.U.O.P. student, which meant that if I kept a 2.0 grade average, they would allow me to fucking stay in school. And I kept that, but they had free tutoring. They had all these services that you had to pay for, the student services I got for free. I didn't take advantage of that shit. I didn't belong to a fraternity, which I knew I wouldn't, but who knew? Maybe there's a criminal fraternity. Maybe there's a fraternity of fucking gangsters or fucking ex-felons or potential felons. I don't fucking know.

But I missed that whole experience. You had it. Bird had it. You had it. And not to have it, you feel, or I had it to a degree. I had, I tell you, when I first walked on the University of Colorado, I forgot about everything bad I had ever done in my life. Like, it had absolved me.

Just by getting there? Just by taking the two fucking classes the first time. It changed my life. It gave me more esteem at that time. It helped big time. Yeah, because I quit high school my freshman year, my freshman year, my senior year in September because I had a job. But I went back in December, and I took all my courses.

And in June, they came to me and they go, you know, you're three credits short. You can't graduate, but you got to go summer school. I got to tell you something. I'm not going to summer school. And you motherfuckers are a bunch of cock suckers because I played track. I played basketball and I play freshman football. they will give me three credits for each one. They've done it before.

They were like, nah, we don't think so. Okay, you motherfucker. So I didn't really get my diploma. When I got arrested, no. When I went to Colorado Mountain College, I had gotten too many credits, so they told me I had to take my credits to a different school.

So I went to the University of Boulder continuing ed. Once I took like another 30 credits there, they were like, you have too many credits of being continuing it. You got to register into the fucking college. And I'm like, I'm never going to get to the fucking college. They go, whoa, you have no choice. You can't keep coming back here. I'm going to stop giving you money.

That was the magic word. Money is my motivating, motherfucker. What do I need to do? What do you need to come with your high school transcript? So I went and got a high school diploma. Took my SATs. I did all that shit. At 23 or something, I did all that shit.

You follow me? Yeah, that's crazy. That's fucking crazy. And I got in, and I, bro, when they gave me my first check, the first time I looked at my schedule, I had tears in my eyes. That was one of the happiest days in my life. Why?

Because I had made my mother proud, you know? This is the University of Colorado. This ain't no fucking community college of fucking Denver. It's a big deal for you to go there. This was a big deal for me. I didn't want to go there. Me, I'd rather be a Duke, Jack. You know me, I'd rather be a Kentucky fucking Blue Devil

or fucking Boston College. But Boulder, I got in, they accepted me. And I walked around, I took classes there, and then I got in trouble. Once I got the felony, I went back, I should have said nothing. I should have just dropped out. But see, I opened my mouth. And I went to the guy. I had my family go to the guy who got me in and then tell him the truth.

And he was goody-to-shoots. He goes, well, I don't know if we got him back on the campus with the felonies, especially for kidnapping and drugs. I know the drugs are definitely out. Kidnapping, they might let him out. We've got football players that have done worse. You know. So that's what happened.

Wow. But I regret not like having, and I've told you, we've had this conversation that it breaks my heart that when you go for an interview now, and even you. You went to college. Yeah, I did. A great degree and you're a fucking comedian. I know. But, like, sometimes a guy like me would go look at fucking Zaguer with that fucking Mo Mo. Five years to become a comedian, I bet his fucking father's happy paid for that shit.

But it was an experience for you. It was an experience. Where did you go to school at? I went to a tiny school called Lenore Ryan College. college in Hickory, North Carolina. Damn. Yeah, as small as fuck. You know why I went there?

It's the only school that let me in. I had such a bad high school transcript, like, bad GPA. I had decent SAT, but bad GPA. I couldn't get in anywhere. They let me in, so I just, it was the only place. I applied, got in.

But it was an experience, because I still have friends today from then, which I, I think is great. Fuck, yeah. you know, I used to complain a little bit about it, about like how it was such a small school. Because in my mind, going to college was like movies. Animal house, yeah. Yeah, and I was like, my expectations were like, you know, a stadium for the football team, an undergrad of like just 10, at least 10,000, if not 30,000 undergrad. And I thought it would just be like what you see college would be like.

It was that shrunk down to like, you know, less than 2,000 undergrad. You know what I mean? So, like, it's just a different experience. And it wasn't the experience that I was expecting. Yeah, I thought it was. I treated college like a business. It was basically like a business sort of thing. Emerson College in Boston.

Boston, yeah. It's big for film and writing. And it really helped me when I got out here. But I didn't have any friends. I don't have any friends from college because I went in by, I should have went to Drexel and Philly. It didn't have as great of a program. But. For what?

What did you go for? Film, film video, stuff like that. You went for four years? Yeah, well, three. I did it in three because I hated it. Didn't have some comics gone to Emerson? Probably. Oh, Leno and Henry Winkler.

And it was great for that. But, like, I thought I went to visit my friend at Dickinson. And it's not even that big, but it has. Fairleigh Dickinson? Jersey? No, no, no. Dickinson. Right by Philly.

And it has, like, the big brick buildings and the Rolling Hills and football games. And this one was like all the hipster kids you see and they're all talking about the French movie they saw and I just, I hated it. But I mean, I'm glad I did it because now, like, my dad was in radio for all those years and worked in restaurants. But he dropped out of college after like two weeks because he had a job and it just didn't make sense. But you can't get any job now. Like anything at all. You know the other thing that I don't always realize that college serves for, though? is like you go there

and it helps you realize in a safer setting shit that you don't want to do as an adult and I think I kind of figured out by going to all these structured things that I didn't want to work in structure like work with like

get up and go to work I guarantee if they go to every fucking senior before they graduate and go do you want to really go into the field you studied in college you got this degree on I'd really be surprised what the percentages are

It's got to be... Kids are fucked up. Yeah. Kids that didn't know what they were getting in there because I don't think the kids prepared to make a delight decision at 18, yeah.

At 18, yeah. And I'll tell you what really fucking helped me. More than college, I'll tell you what really fucking helped me. And every day I think about it, I'm like, wow, with car sales.

Yeah, that helps you figure it out. When I sold cars in college, it really sped up everything I had. Everything I thought came in, you know, you go to Jiu-Jitsu. They teach you a technique. But when you go to do it to Lee, they don't tell you that Lee's going to hide that arm.

Lee's not just going to leave the arm. It's like anything else when you go to karate class. He's going to throw a punch. The punch is going to land here. You're going to hook the arm and you're going to hit him in the rib, but he's going to, no, it's not going to happen that way. He's going to wear his shirt and your hands and get caught. So it was really weird that you heard all these things about business.

You spoke to people. And once you discover belly-to-belly-belly sales, it was the, I mean, that stayed with me forever. I learned more from those criminals. and how to treat people and how to carry myself in business. Little things. When you buy a T-shirt from May I write your letter,

I got that from selling cards. When you came to see me, the first thing when you got home the next day, you got a letter from them. Because I knew the other guy wasn't sending you a letter. He was going to call you and tell you there was a sale. That's great.

I'm going to send you a letter and thank you. You know, and it just taught me little things, follow-off calls. Lee and I were talking about a sponsor earlier and we were talking about our plan. of attack. That plan, I didn't get that from a book. I didn't study marketing in college. I got that from selling cars. The strategy, there's a strategy of the things, you know, and it was just really, and I worked at a place in Boulder, which was really decent.

You know, they were on Yelp today. They'd have like a high fucking Yelp because that was their thing. They knew to get the good cars. You had to have a good CSI, a customer service index at that time. So they specialized in that. They weren't thieves. They wouldn't throw your keys on the thing. If you told them you were unhappy, they'd give you the keys. keys right back. You do that Douglas Toyota in Arvada to fucking stab you. You'll have to talk to 18 people before you get your car back from a trade.

What car? The Volkswagen. I just gave it from the appraisal. We don't know no Volkswagen. They make you buy the car because they hide shit from you. This place was legit. And I learned so much from those white dudes. They were fucking Mormons. Really? And he used to call me the renegade.

He loved me. He used to call me the renegade. Because he goes, you always go off against the people I don't like. I love it. I don't have to do my job. Really? If they're a scumbag, you sniff them out. I loved this Subaru place. That was the first car I sold. You could sniff out the scumbags quick, I bet.

Yeah, until today, I still drive a Subaru because of that job. Really? I am sold on Subaru because of that job. Because everybody who, how many cars I sold and how many people's faces would come back and go, hey man, a week after you sold me a car, I'm in that blizzard we got, I was in the car with my daughter and we spit off the road. If I would have had my old car, I would have been dead right now. that Subaru you sold me

fucking had the extra one so I felt good about what I sold I really did feel good when I got arrested I was at a Chrysler store and I went back that Chrysler store was eight drug dealers that would lie to you about fucking everything I couldn't fucking believe it

they would lie to old people used to drive me fucking crazy like even when I was a crazy criminal I didn't see you know it was a Dodge store old people buy fucking Dodgers and Chrysler a little irons and shit like that. Christ LeBrand, what a piece of shit that fucking car was.

We had it when I was growing up. If you slammed the car door, everything would break. The tire on the other side would go flat. You're like, what the fuck? I slammed this door. I didn't like that. I didn't like lying to customers. I didn't like hiding from customers.

I wanted to sell you something for you to come back to the next thing and say, Joe, you're fucked up. You go, it fucking happens every day. Let's go fix it. Instead of hiding from you, you know? The Subaru place, they all wore sandals, they ate granola. they were Buddhists but those guys were pulling down

I was pulling down in college I was pulling down anywhere from seven grand I think about that a week or a month a month seven grand in high school 10 my my I was 24 years old and I was making seven to 10 grand the month off the bat like the first day I fucking started

that first month was like I got a check for 4,900 bucks I was like done plus I walked with like a thousand and get you know every time me sell a car. So they took that out of the check and I flipped out, but then I figured out how taxes were paid. I always wondered, so like, let's say you bought a car for 10 grand, how much does a salesman get? Okay, in these days, this day you got, I forget what it was, but in those days, if you sold the Subaru, a mini deal was 100. But after the person left, you got a kid,

and you called the Subaru deal, and they'd send you a check from $250 to $700. You get that every Thursday. So I wouldn't give a fuck. If you came to me and said, Joey, I got a car for 1660. I could do that. I knew I was going to make $100,250 on the back end. So that's $350 a car. I could do the paperwork in 15 fucking minutes. You follow me?

There's those type of deals. And there's, okay, I have a used car. We have $6,000 in it. You come in and buy the car for $10. That means we made $4,000 profit. I get 30% of that. So what's 10%? 4, so I get $1,200 to sell that fucking car.

I sell 10 or 12 of those. Fuck. Okay, then, if you sell seven cars, you get a $500 bonus. If I would go into a car lot and you'd say to me, oh, Joey, by the way, the Jeep, the 89 Jeep with 10,000 miles, anybody who sells that on a Saturday. Now, look, when I go to work on a Saturday, I'm going to kill you. I'm going to snook Coke.

I just don't want one gram. I need an April. I need my dick suck. I need a couple Cocoa Locos at Red Robin. I need to buy the bartender a shot. I got a chance there. I'm going for the show. short nickel. If you tell me

that if I could sell that table, I get $500, even if I sell it at cost, just to get it out of here. If Tom Seguer comes in, he goes, I want to picture of Charles Bronson. Even though I've got a picture of Charles Bronson right there, I'm going to sell him that fucking table. Anybody who comes in in, I'm looking for a truck.

Let me show you this fucking car right now, but it's not a truck. It's beautiful. You give a fuck what it is. You want a deal, right? I can sell you that for cost. Let's take a look. People go, I came in here for a Subaru wagon, it's show me a sedan. I don't give a fuck. It's my world. I would sell you that fucking sedan.

That's a salesman. That's what, you know, that's what you fucking do. I wouldn't pound it. I'd just tell her, that's the car for you, and I make it drive it. Once they drive it, I got you, 50%. Really? My job is to push the ammo, make you drive. You don't drive the car, you're not going to buy it. If I drive it.

Boom. That's down number one. Number two, once you fill out that credit app, I got you. But I never let you fill out the credit app. I always took it from you and asked you questions because by asking you questions you're devouring me your fucking information plus I offer you a water so it's a psychological game

by offering you that water now you owe me something back once we take the ride I go is there terms we could do yes there are I go inside I got a credit app and I got a fucking four square most most fucking idiots will just give you the credit app and say you fill this up you're dead I fill it out

so now you got to get you involved and now I got you under a spell I'm just asking you questions. What's your address? What's your mother's maiden name? Sayyat, but she's a Russian Jew. You know, whatever the fuck you're going to tell me, what's your shoe size? I got you. It's just a trance.

That's what the last cry I bought, the guy, I filled it out for him. Aren't you, like, right now, ready to fucking fill one out for him? Yeah. You're dealing with here? You want me to teach you how to do this? I'm ready to buy it from Joey. And then I get that fucking pen. I get that pen, right? Yeah.

I get that pen. I go, Lee, what are we doing today? Okay, well, I like to buy the Subaru. The Subaru costs $18,000. I need 10% deposit today. That's $18,000. What payments would you like a month? I was looking for $250, $250,000.

And what's the term? What do you got? You got a car? Yeah, I got a 62 fucking LeBarrant. That's worth $300, all right? Right, so here you go. The car is 18. I need 1,800.

How much down do you have? I have a thousand. We'll take it. You just committed to a thousand. I got you for a thousand, right? Boom. Sign right there. What do you want to make a payment?

I'm on $250. So if I get your car for $250 a month, you'll buy? Yeah, boom. Sign right there. You got a car deal. Boom. I come back and I pound you. All right, by the way, the $250 is for fucking 19 years.

$18,000? My boss said I looked at your credit app. I need $3,000. down because that's profit. They're always going for down payment. Okay. That's profit. That's their profit. So don't do down payment?

A nickel. Nickel into debt. Get it done. I got good credit. What's the down payment for? Nickel into debt. Give them 10%. But nickel into debt. Boom. You know, what do you want to pay a month? Two-family. Boom, boom. 250. All this shit is that I'm trancing

you and I'm confusing you. This is a confusion right here. So 300 against my $18,000. Well, can't you me a little more, my mother-in-law's a swami, and she said my car is worth $1,200, I'll give you $15, who gives a fuck? I got, I own

the car for $14.8, so I got $3,100 in it, correct? So I got $3,100. You want $11 for your fucking, so if I give you 11 for your car, you got a deal, I just made $2,000. Jesus. So when you go... Lost of financing. Yeah.

So when I used to work in New York, I used to get a piece of financing, so I'd work you for financing. Oh, so you don't pay people pay in cash. I get like a point of the financing. If you finance $20,000 at 10% I get a half a fucking point. Plus, you need insurance. I know this guy will come down here sell your insurance. At the end of the week, that guy brings me an envelope for $300 for getting you an insurance with him

because you need a binder. You just moved here from Boston. Yeah. You need a binder. Let me get your binder for it's free. So when you go into buy a car now, you just like, listen, I know all the, like, or do you just let it happen? all the same. It's all the same. Whether you're selling a car, a boat, a house, a prostitution, it's all the same. You could be a Puerto Rican and go in there and go, hi, I'm going to say you

my pussy, it's $100 and 125 around the world that you could go listen. Let me tell you something. Like I got to suck my pussy. His tongue turned fucking purple was so fucking good, all right? My asshole, I shave it three times a day just in case the crop pops back up. My tennies, nobody's ever sucked them. But for tonight for you, because I like it because you're Jewish. you're going to sell my things. But the package is 300. And you're going to go, why did I pay 300 to this bitch that just charged me

$125 down the corner? It's amazing. That's why I always sell people. You ran into a salesman. Yeah. You run into a fucking salesman. That's it. Everybody learned something tonight. Let me give some shout out. See, you know how we drop knowledge.

Fuck, yeah, man. We ain't got time to fuck. I don't want you people going out there and take them for your money. You got to learn, cock suckers. You got any problems? Email me. what's the email Beauty and the Beast whatever the fuck of

or just go to Joey Deas.net Just go to Joey Deas.net and email me Tom's the girl put the text away tell Dave Becky you call him back on an hour

I want to give a shout out to Miguel Popeye Barrow Gus Casanova Tom G Cody Tadeo D.C. Smitty

Tomahita and my main man fucking Berge always showing up in an Armenian fucking present for me you know I'm saying

talk to me I thought, oh shit, it's Monday, but I'd do something to my mother. What about? I was playing a little music for my mother on Monday. Something for the Spirit. That's nice. That's good. What's the first is Brownie?

What are we doing? I am not doing that. I want to be around to pick up the pieces. When somebody breaks your heart, some, somebody twice as smart. So are you nervous about tomorrow, Joey? I look fucking nervous. I don't know.

You see nerves here? I got to be honest with you, when Tommy was talking before, I got a little nervous. Why? I just thought about it. It just hit me that I was going to surgery in six or seven hours,

you know, and it's a little, you know, just a little. Yeah. For a guy like me, it just takes away your breath for a minute, but I'll be fine. No big deal.

You go into their professionals, you know, medicine's a lot different than what it was 30 fucking years ago. And they do this shit now. You know, this guy is the Raiders, doctor. I'm his last surgery for the year. Really? For the year?

That's it. And then he just goes to be on call us for the waiter? Oh, right. So, yeah, on Sunday nights, when you see them getting on, like, you see fucking Johnny, you see the guy getting Johnny, what's his name, Johnny football, getting carried off? When he goes in, the general president goes, get the two Jews down to the assessor situation. Listen, we got fucking three, we got three million a year invest in this fucking Monook. Yeah.

I got three million investors, this Monook, and he's fucking licked him off game number three. Get the fucking two Jews down there. And they come down, and you're like, ah, oh, the two Jews come in there. Look at your arm, it's broken. Call upstairs, it's broken. When can we do it?

Monday at 8 a.m., too late. This guy got three million of them. He's going to heal by next fucking week. And they've got to break the news to you. All right, the president. So can I go back to Kentucky? I'm going to go to my family doctor. That's negative.

Negative. Negative. Matter of fact. You know what? Because we fucking own you. We own you. You're in the route right now. They're prepping your fucking bed right now.

But I want to hug the kid. They know, kids. We're the Jews. When they send us a tall loaf, it's like, the next is the wolf, and they just shoot you. So you either come with us peacefully or they send fucking, you know, and you go, and they cut you that night. They cut you Monday morning. That's what he does. Monday morning, a knee, a shoulder, a neck.

That's it. By Sunday night, they're already assess a situation. and they call them the hospital going, We need the Jews. We got nine fucking savages that all weigh over 300 pounds coming in for knees, necks, arms, elbows, and you go from an elbow to a foot,

and by Tuesday, everybody's all right, and by fucking Friday, you're jumping up and down, and by the next week they got eating bananas and protein shakes, and you're back out there, dog, they don't give a fuck about your helmet. That's pro football. He was telling me he can't,

and he's been working for him for 30 years. He goes, there's only one guy that's scarier the needles than you. A lot of Lizaido. He goes, that guy used to cry. He goes, I saw him cry one time before I blood type. Really? And then he became the steroid guy. Because I'm telling you, I can't fucking do it.

You can't do needles? No. The only thing I'm dreading tomorrow is the intravenous, the IV. Yeah. They're going to stick it in my hand. But I tell them early, listen, don't think. I laugh every time I get blood drawn. I laugh really hard.

Why? It's just an automatic response. The only thing I'm saying, serious, like, that I can think of in the world, like in life that has ever done that to me, where as they put it in and start taking out, I start getting super giddy, like, like, like a weird way of, of, I think it's just my way of adapting to seeing the blood come out. I totally, I started laughing. I started laughing like a maniac.

Yeah, I look at it and I am a fucking nightmare. Really? But I'm good now. Like, last week I went to the pre-op. Like, to me, that was the toughest thing. of this whole physical was the pre-op. So I went to it. You want one of these?

No. You keep looking like something's there. Mealy and pop one. No or not? Oh, man. To experiment on the way home. Anyway, I went to the pre-op. They did all this.

They touched your balls, the back, the x-rays, the EKG. Then he goes, you got to do a piss test and go get blood. Even though I trust these people, I still get that little scared for a minute. And then she comes and gets me right away. I thought she goes to sit down and fuck, no. I'm going to lay down. I always put Santana on. San Tantella.

the footh fighters I was gonna have them too the food fighters yeah the one song best of you gotta have it on and she comes in she dumps the bed down a little bit and they rub the kid stuff and they get the kid's needle oh I work them like I know all the people I tell them listening to the kids needle

and get the liquor cocaine from the back not the shit you give with the Russians I want the good shit they come in they rub it she ties my arm I look the other way I breathe I prepare myself I just breathe it's that needle when it gets slipped in. If the needle gets slipped on like a savage, I'm going down. Really?

Yeah, but if they just, there's times, there's some women out there that you don't even feel it. I feel it after a minute. I feel a little white-headed, and then by the time I even, I'm breathing, I feel the strap come off. That means you're done. I feel like going like that on my arm. And by that time, I'm just, the music, and I'll take it off, and I go, you're a bad motherfucker. Because I didn't feel dick. Yeah.

And I used to faint at night, like when I thought I had the blood clot. My leg, I went to the hospital. I took blood and faint at night. Went out. So it's been very good the last year. How about catheters? Have you ever had that in? Like for...

Oh, I just did a colonoscopy on August 4th. And it was nothing. Again, I felt the needle a little bit. It was just hot in there. When I was hospitalized like years ago when I OD'd... Yeah, that's right. You wake up and everything's right. You don't remember them putting anything in.

So I had a catheter in. But I didn't... It was fine. I didn't feel anything. But a... nurse tripped over the tube and I was like I screamed

I was like what the shit and I because she goes it's not supposed to go like that that was her apology and I was like what and she's like yeah I stepped on it that's why it like yanked on you it was the fucking most painful thing in her way of handling it was just I'm not supposed to go that way

I think I do that I don't like any of that shit I deal with it because it's a part of life you can't yeah you know That was colonoscopy. The colonoscopy, the milkshake of death, you shit, it's heavy duty. But I prepared myself.

I ate fruit the whole week. You know, I ate high-fiber stuff. I tried to push out the existing stuff. I sweat a lot. I, you know, yeah, you got to take care of a lot of oatmeal, you know, a lot of apples. So when I drank the first potion, it loosened me up. The second one, they say, is the worst one. It's like tasting, the drink is fucking horrendously bad.

But if you put limeate in it and mix it up, what's that shit? The, like, yeah, the whatever it's cold. The powder. They put in water, liquid, whatever, lemonade, whatever, fuck it is. It's not bad. You drink it, and you get down there, the needle, I felt it in my hand, I told her. I felt it. I got hot.

It took me a while to get my temperature back. And then they put you out, and you wake up, and they give you a fucking folder to go. And when you're looking, I just pictures of your asshole. They give you a camera. They show you the camera from the beginning to end. They show your asshole wrapped up. The camera going into your asshole and the tubes and everything in the testing. Pretty interesting, man.

And listen, I'm 51 years old. You've got to do it, man. I'm very lucky that I know people of my age already that I went to school with and stuff. They're either not here. Oh, they've had long stays in hospitals, which is mind-boggling. You've got to go every year to this stuff, man, get these tests done at your age, I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Something you said still scared.

I saw it again today because right before I started working out and stuff, you said like you got to let your blood drain through your legs. And ever since then, I keep seeing really big guys with like the permanent bruises and like the skin eating away on their, on their stuff. It's so horrific thing. I was there with my girlfriend at the grocery store. This dude was walking around. Didn't even have pants on it. Just gym shorts. And was picking up bags of lace chips with his legs literally rotting away.

I was like, what is happening? You see it all the time? Yes. Where you want to go, like, why is it okay for you to show me that? Like, where these dudes have, like, their leg is like a tree trunk. Yeah. Where there's no, and there's no, like, it's all the same size from fucking his thigh to his ankle. And there's, like, these crazy open bloodlines, open sores.

Oof. You know, I'd work to get my ankle that, skinny. Yeah. But I do the same shit every night. Dude, you work. I get on my ass, pop my legs up. I split, I do a V. I can fucking V on the wall now because I've been doing it.

I pick my legs up, I creep, I go to the side, I suck all this in, but I do the other side. This helps. You go to the bathroom, that's good for your digestive tract, cleans your kidneys, it's yoga shit. But the best move is your feet up because the blood goes down. And now it gets processed instead of getting purple on your fucking feet. Yeah. You know, if you don't do nothing, if you put your feet up and watch fucking daytime football, all the fucking day, and he chips,

that blood ain't going nowhere. Do you go like vertical on them? I go vertical, the whole thing. Those are all yoga. How long do you have to hold that for? Ten minutes. And then you just let it drop and breathe and the more uncomfortable, you breathe through the pain.

And you breathe the pain away, and you breathe. And every day you'll get more and more flexible, but you're getting that blood to go down. And then you put your feet on and you do bridges and all that shit to help. My main purpose of vacuum punching is to open the chakras

and to keep that blood going. You know, the way I read it was They smoke more in China that they do here The reason why they stay alive is Tai Chi Than the acupuncture The cancer rate is lower in China Because the fucking The circulatory

It's very important That's the number one thing You know, I have friends That they're fucking their ankles And that's the first sign of anything That's it, that's the first fucking sign The ankle These people you see at the airport

Walking around for you You want to grab them and go Are you fucking serious? You saw one one a tattoo. I don't know what it is with people with fat fucking legs that are purple putting that parrot on their legs. That's going to throw you off. That money you spent for the ink

you could have spent the 24-hour fitness for a fucking trainer, you know, so you got your fat friend saying it's a cool parrot. Look at your fucking vein. Went till the parrot blows, his head blows the fuck up. It's amazing. It's fucking amazing. That's my main thing of going to acupuncture. My insurance covers

it, so I got to go. They don't cover all the visits, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I work something out with it. That's why, from circulation that's because you have to you know what my ankles were like when I was 418 I did the longest yard you're 418 I did the longest shot I was 4 fucking 18 right there Jesus look at my stomach look at look at that laying down it was a foot away from me I gotta go look closer laying down it was a foot up in the air really I couldn't breathe right there that scene was killing me right there at

that point at that point I already had to sleep out in there but even the machine wasn't really helping me I was sleeping six hours a night a lot better than what I was doing but I read up and that's the whole thing is that that sleep apnea doesn't bring a lot of blood to all your parts so people have sleep apnea they say they have a higher thing of getting cancer yeah I was like fuck it I'm gonna go to acupuncture and get everything clear get those chakras open get those blood veins going that's so important to me do you know how many times I do that at the daytime I just hang my feet up on the wall you put your ass to the wall your ass has to so you have to sniggle in there and then flip over and put your feet up and just leaving it

Put the TV on and just leave it. It's a great fucking movie. I'm not a yoga teacher. I'm just some fat fuck that's trying to learn. How you doing, Lisa, yeah? What do you got going on? We're going to do another show Wednesday night. It's an 8 o'clock show.

Post-fucking surgery. I'm still going up the stairs. Are you going to do it then? Really? Post surgery. You're an animal. I'm doing the surgery tomorrow. You're an animal.

Tomorrow and I'll sleep like a baby. I got these things. I got a couple vodka martinis. Lees going to bring some of these bitches over. They'll give me a little word. Wednesday you do it. Wednesday I'll get a good night's sleep I gotta take a Puerto Rican shower

Oh for how long Until I get the stitches at How long is that? Thursday morning Puerto Rican Yeah that's it Fuck Thursday morning 10 15 the stitches Go on the way home I go to Toluca Lake

Sign up for the fucking physical therapy From there I go to why I'm saying Do five minutes on the bike And it's on after that After that you don't see like rocky Dricking fucking eggs Running on fucking the street here like a savage I don't want to hear no excuses

What's up with you? What's going on with you? Tell me something. I'm doing my fucking pods, you know. Doing my shows. She's great. She's great, man. She's a savage.

She's hitting the road every, every all the time, almost every week. And then we're doing our podcast and, you know, I was trying to make, trying to fucking put the pieces together. Yeah, dude. Same thing. You look good. Thanks, buddy. I'm going to Hong Kong. I'm going to do that comedy festival.

So that should be fun. Hong Kong comedy festival. Yeah. Who's doing it with you? The show I'm on has Pete Lee and Chad Daniels. About your wife, you don't go to Hong Kong. She's not going to Hong Kong. The type of fucking pimper you.

That's who you take your wife to Hong Kong. No, because the schedule's crazy. We were going to do it, and then the schedule came out. And it's like once we're there on planes, and it's a week. So it'd be like Hong Kong, a day, Singapore, which is a four-hour flight, another day or two there, fly back. It's not like, hey, enjoy Hong Kong for a week. It's plane, another plane, a family. I mean, it's like, I don't think it's very chill or conducive to the, I want to go for like a

holiday. Yeah. Proper rest. When's the last time you went to Hong Kong? I've never been to Hong Kong. I'll be fucking thankful, cocksucker, you know what I'm saying? Thanks for having me, dude. Thank you for having me here.

Your fucking family. I've been calling you for two years. Two years. Two years. You've been saying, Tom's a girl, get him on when we've got his wife, least face. Fucking 48 hours of, I'm in, like, I'm in, I'm on the road right now too much. I'm going to try to change. I'm, I am.

changing it. Starting in November. You're in Denver, this weekend. Denver. It currently works? Right. Then the festival. Then September 18th.

I'm doing the Fort Lauderdale one night only. Christina and I together. Okay. So. You're flying down and coming right back. No, I'm going to stay there a week, hang with the family, then Orlando Improv, and then I do a bunch of like one-nighters and stuff the rest of the year.

Doug, I'm on the same fucking, I'm rehabbing this leg. This thing starts September 18th, Brea, New York, Denver. Yeah. Portland, San Francisco. But the key with you, and I always see this with you, and that's what I'm trying to do more of, is you have your absolutes, like, you're not doing Sunday,

and you're not going to, like, do... You're going to take your break if you want it, if you need it. You know, that's the important thing to do, I think, is you've got to, like, plan it out, plan out shit more. You know what I mean? So... I'm not 28. Right.

I want to give you the best show possible. I want to give you the best that I could be. if I'm tired or my leg hurts Then it's hard to do Or I'm thinking about something else I'm not going to give you the best show I can't On a Saturday I'm not thinking about nothing else On a Friday I'm not thinking about nothing else

On a Friday I'm not thinking about nothing else On a Sunday I'm thinking about my family Yeah I'm thinking about how I should have dinner with my family That's what family's fucking doing on a Sunday I love going home on a Sunday But no I gotta sit here and do a show For 85 fucking people

Because the club owner said last Sunday They were fucking packed We had a bunch of reservations So I kept you over Listen, in July and August, no more, you're not going to do tickets no more. Joe had a great weekend in Denver. That's Joe in Denver. The majority of comics right now, anywhere with this cold weather,

people don't want to be put in a fucking building now until September. People in Buffalo, Syri. Those people don't want to sit in the comic. Yeah, it's going to be much lower, for sure. You know, so there's a reason for that. I'm not out to waste nobody's fucking time. I want to give you the best possible show I can give you. I will wake up early at 3 o'clock and get on a plane.

Lee knows this. Everybody knows this about me. We bumped into airports before. Oh, yeah, yeah. But I want to be rested. You know, 10 years ago, you come seeing me, and you get a guy that hadn't slept in three fucking nights. Yeah.

Two from doing blow and one night from doing radio, the first night you get there. You live in L.A. You're in fucking Miami. The first night, you're on a three-hour difference, you know. Even if you don't do blow, you're just sitting there until five, and they're picking you up at six to do radio

because you usually go to L.A. to sleep at two. That's the crazy thing, The people don't understand is how tired you are. You're fucking tired. Yeah. I mean, like, if you do the road week after week after week, I've only, I've gone with Joey like two times. And just we usually do the podcast Wednesday mornings until recently.

And then Joey takes the, I was with you at like 30 a.m. going L.A.X. And then the next day is radio. And then with you, it's not like you have an easy night. I'm getting stoned as fucking up late. And then you take the 7 a.m. flight back. So I was exhausted after one week of doing it. It's tough. And I don't go into Houston and doing Wednesday through Sunday and doing blow and doing three mornings of rain.

It's a lot, man. You have no fucking idea. And you're blowing up. You're eating sodium. And you're just blowing up on the fucking road. You're drinking beer. You're smoking cigarettes. You're smoking pot.

I mean, it's just amazing. And don't they give, like, in Vegas, like, Monday to Sunday? Like, isn't it, like, a full week? It's a fucking nightmare. That is the worst, man. It's a long fucking week. It's too long of a week for me at this age. I cannot do it.

I can't give the people a decent show. Why would I want to do that? Bring me one of a full time. If you don't mind? Oh, thank you, brother. I got it. And that's why I opt to do that. I want to do the podcast on Mondays and Wednesdays.

I want to go to Jiu-Jitsu Monday and Wednesday. Yeah. I want that option. You know, I want to have a schedule. I cannot be. I have lived in this town for 17 years. The road is a great place for a comedian, but I see where, when you get, you know,

because you don't know. The agents are just calling you and going, oh, I got you this date, guess what? Guess what? Guess who called? Yeah. And here you are, and you're doing six in a row. Six in a row, you don't want to hear that joke ever again. You don't.

It's true. You don't. Trust me I'm telling you. I did, what, seven this year? I went on a run this year. From March to April, I did eight. weeks or something seven weeks yeah I thought you got up to 10 yeah just to really try and it was driving down LAX every week is fucking a lot at third on Wednesday doing two

podcasts a week at six of the morning so I had to revamp it I'm moving the podcast later now you know tomorrow I usually be leaving on a Thursday more today's Monday usually be living on Thursday morning so so that's how we do it just to give them the better show so I'm in better shape three weeks of the road he knows you know and especially what he's doing Wednesday day through Sunday, by Friday, you're about to fucking kill yourself. Thank God we have the Dead Squad people that come to the shows

and it makes it a little easier. Saturday is a great day. I'm excited as fuck Saturday. Saturday, I know it's all Debt Squad. I know I'm going to fucking go out there and whatever I say, we're going to take them on a journey and we're going to get paid and we're going to get a plane, we're going to leave. That Sunday,

when you wake up from that eye, even if you don't do blow, when you wake up from Saturday night two shows to Sunday and you call the club at four you watch you slip to 10 your NFL comes on you know it's horrific you watch both fucking games then you call the club and go hey how we doing now we have 88 tickets left but you're gonna do great walk I'm fucking tired it's time to go yeah then you put on CNN there's a fucking rainstorm coming your way and you'll leave you know no there's ways to do this yeah I

I take a hit by leaving at 7 o'clock in the morning Sunday, but I'm in my bed by 11. And it's a straight journey. It's the most important thing. If I dice a dilly-dally. Let me take the 2 o'clock flight. Oh, I know. You learn.

What the fuck are you going to do in a hotel room until 2 o'clock? Your day is gone. You're going to land here at 6th, 405, good luck. Get the fuck out of there. Get the fool gives a fuck. You're at your house at 12. And I saved time. I saved aggravation.

That's what's all about when you're a comic is not being fucking aggravated. Any thoughts of times ago? No, man, you're the best. Hit me with something time. You got to drop something out of you. You got the Cuban beard, at the Fidel look, you know, you show up with no fucking sayings.

No sayings. You ever have a question that really fucks with you, and it shouldn't fuck with you? Like last night, I was watching Sports Center before bed, and I went to Mike Trout and they said, would you rather hate a home run, or would you rather steal a home run? Like, take it away from somebody.

and for some reason I got on my head like it decides what kind of person you are like if you want to be a go-getter or if you just want to and it fuck with me for like hours like I couldn't come up with an answer if I wanted to hit a homeowner or steal a home one and I wasn't high and I don't know why it fucked

with me for so long and I have no idea how I'd answer it. You have like a you have like a student's notebook? Listen, Lee, who gives a fuck if you hit a home run and catch a home run. That's the point. You don't know the fucking chocolate that's I've been telling you this for you. If you eat that chocolate, questions like that,

you go look at that shit and go, you know what, go fuck yourself ESPN. Let's start off with an honor. See, you got to take some, if you took alpha brainily, you wouldn't think about shit. I wouldn't care about this question. Look at the fuck.

What I want to tell them run. I got to take you what too much ESPN. I've been telling you not since I met you. More fucking and less ESPN. More eating pussy unless ESPN. More push-ups unless ESPN. It's fucking your mind up. Making your mind the mush.

Talk to this fucking guy. man stop with the fucking sports center and you were high last night were you not a little bit at the end unbelievable this is why you gotta go to be you a big sports center guy yeah just it replays and then there's NFL live and that's cool watch sports in the 12th

I know when I call him what are you doing I'm I'm looking at Steve Simone CD he's watching sports he sits there all day and he gives a fuck like he watches the clock and they talk and game shows and you believe everything's stuff and whatever says about the Yeah, you're fucking good.

Who? Whatever his name is the black guy. Oh, that guy's annoying as hell. Oh, he's pissing everybody all right. Anyway, for maximization, optimization, all right? On it. They ain't fucking around over there, all right? Some people, they got one a day and all these shit fucking things that don't do dick for you.

On it improves who you are. It improves. It makes you be the best you could fucking be. If you're a kid and you want to go back to college, you want to read, you want to stay up all night. You don't have to take meth like the rest of these fucking jerkoffs. Take some... Take some fucking alpha brain. Don't take enough.

Alpha brain will make your fucking focus. I'm telling you, two alpha brains, you're up and fucking hopping. In fact, my alpha brain cycle starts to get on Monday after the surgery. I'm home for four weeks. I've got to write a bunch of materials, so I'm going to focus. You know what? Go to Onit.com and look at everything they got. They got something for you.

Whether it's strong bone, whether it's fucking... New mood. Shroom tech. Whether it's the fucking enzymes, the mango enzymes, whether it's a thing that you go like that and you get your muscles, They got kettle bells. They got everything on it. What's your code word?

Go on it. What's the code word? Church. Church. And get 10% off while you're there. Stay on it. Stay on it. Get it sent to your house on the first like a real human being.

You've got to go to store and order it. Just stay on it. First time you sign up for stay on and get 20% off. That's how I roll here. What are you put in the box? Church. Like a bad motherfucker that you are. C-H.

You are C-H. Also, a shout out to some of my fucking best. I love you, Coxuckers. Hulu Plus. You can watch. Hulu Plus, anytime, anywhere. $7.99 a month, you're saying, Joey, how is that possible? $7.99 a month.

You can watch on any streaming fucking device that you want. You understand me? On smart TV, Roku, Apple, Xbox, pretty much. And if it streams, you're fucking watching Hulu Plus. That's how we work. Listen, if you watch a commercial Hulu Plus, they're going to give you what, late? They're going to give you two weeks. That's it.

Uncle Joey, we go a step further here on the church of what's happened now. If you put Joey in the box, J-O-E-Y, you get two weeks for free and $7.99 a fucking month. So fuck the $7.99 a month. They ain't doing any no favors. When you run with Uncle Joey, you get two weeks for free. Huluplus.com. They don't fuck around. Smart TV, Roku, Apple, $7.99 a month.

I'm off from my listeners, two weeks on the arms gratis. You know why? Because that's how we roll. All right. Don't fucking get carried away here. I love you guys. You know what shows they got? Let me show you what you got.

The Daily Show, Family Guy. I want to marry Harry. Gang-related. Grow up Fisher. Americans got down. Last night with Seth Myers. They got South Park. Did you know about South Park?

They got keeping up with the Kardashians. Everybody hates Chris. Fucking SpongeBob. They have everything. Yo-go-o. That's how we do it. Huluplus.com. Also, it's like you're selling cars, but it's...

What the fuck? Dollar Shave Club. Why are you standing online like a fucking asshole when you could just go to Dollar Shave Club for a dollar, $6 or $9 a month? $9 a month. $9. How much is that a year?

One or eight a year? And you got razor set right to your fucking house. You go there, you stand on line, you got to smoke some Arab. His armpits smells like onions and fucking lime. And you got to stand there and pay $20 for $3.00. fucking raises. No more. I'm going to give you your raises a dollar, $6 and $9 a month.

And the what are they pressing the box? You get me all I do with. Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. And you get a dollar, $6 or $9. Dollars Shave Club. That's how they wrote. All right. Hold on you.

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Support us, all right, don't fuck around. That's it. It's a beautiful show. It's a beautiful night. It's 10 o'clock, people. It's 1 o'clock on the East Coast. People are sitting there like much watching this. Go to bed! That's why you almost got fired, Cox. I go to bed. I love you guys. Stay black. Tom's the Gower. You're in Denver at the Comedy Works. Thursday through Sunday.

No, Thursday through Saturday. day through Saturday, finally. They ain't working them like a fucking, they got them in the cave, like a South African. They got them in there, like fucking black people with fucking Ebola, picking diamonds to your die. What the fuck? I love you to death.

You're the best. Where can they find you? I'm going a bunch of places. They're all at tombsugura.com. Tomsegoor.com. Support the podcast. Your mom's house. Your mom's house.

Where they find the iTunes, Stitcher. Yes, everywhere. Your mom's house podcast. com. Always a pleasure to even just see you. You're the best. You're the best. You're the best.

That's why I want to do live. No, fucking I don't know. You want to finish this? No. You and the fucking... No. I'm waiting to. No.

What do you want to do to close it out, buddy? Something from Black Sabbath, Volume 4. How about... Under the Sun. Let's see how that fucking starts off. No. Let's go Supernought. These people like Supernard.

Let's give them Supernard. S-U-P-E-R-N-A-U-T. SuperN-R-V-V-O-L-L-U-T, a tremendous fucking album. They did four albums, two albums and four years for the greatest... albums. I didn't even know about this. This kid, Mauricio, gave me a book at the comedy store.

Lee, what are we doing? We're calling one of us. Yeah. Lee, what are we fucking doing? I don't know. Oh, any of a special on Netflix? I do. Yes, you do. Yes. Completely normal on Netflix.

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