The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #207 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: October 24, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, October 23rd… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by CBD Lion, Stamps.com & Better Help… CBD Lion Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY For 20% OFF Your Order! STAMPS.COM Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial. BETTER HELP Visit https://www.betterhelp.com/Diaz for 10% off your first month of online therapy. Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #CBDLion #BetterHelp #Stamps  The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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It is tremendous. I've been taking the tablets. Tremendous, like the ABX tablets, except you don't see the devil. The gummies are still popping. The kinesiology tape is still popping, and you're sitting there with sore knees or a sore, shoulder. You can't sleep. Your anxiety's getting the best of you. Go to CBD line and read the

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We're going, this is it, this is the last fucking hurdle. If you didn't get your costume yet, go fuck yourself. You're not going to fucking, you're not going to get invited to the party. It's funny. I don't know. The last time I dressed up for Halloween was I was 19. I took a Kualoo, and I passed the fuck out. Thank God I'd have to go out with that stupid suit on.

I'd never been a big cut. I dressed up as an abortion. I put a sheet on with a fucking hanger around my head. And I took a Quilude, and the Minnesota Vikings were playing that night. Me and my buddy said, we're going to watch the first quarter. And I woke up, like, at 2 in the morning with a fucking hangar around my head, like, bent. I could have taken my fucking eye out. And I looked at the costume, and I was like, you know what?

Thank God. I didn't go up to fucking ass and look. like a fucking monkey with a stupid fucking costume on but people invite somebody invited me to a country club party and they were like you have to dress up I said listen if I go I'll go as like a gay Zaro or fucking Bruce Lee

and Cato or you're gonna get as the little shield from Uncle Joey if I could find like a fucking t-shirt maybe I'll wear it but I've never been a big fan of dressing up as a kid I dressed up but by three in the afternoon the costumes off Remember those costumes that were light on fire? They were like fucking asbestos.

They came Batman, Superman, the Hulk is shit. But if your mother was smoking a cigarette next for you, you shot down in flames, Scott Zucker. And it's true. Those things were light. I remember lighting a firecracker with some kids in Harlem one time, and he had like some fucking Halloween costume on in the summer. I don't know if they had money or not.

They just said, put the Halloween costume on. We're going to get your jeans on fucking Wednesday. And he fucking lit a firecrack. And you know those little sparks that come out when you light it? Like he was bent over. It caught on one of his fucking little things. I must have been six or seven. I was a fucking idiot.

But I'm not a big fucking Halloween guy. That's the point anyway. Thank you for last week's, you know, a lot of people gave me grief about the Kanye thing. But that's how I feel. I can't fucking destroy a guy that's half-retarded and especially what he's been through. And I appreciate you guys, the comments, especially what has to. Koo, my friend, I mean, she's a fucking brilliant chick. Esther Lee.

Esther Koo's the comedian, I'm sorry. Cool, Lee, what the fuck? They both fucking fly through the air, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, she's a smart girl. You know, I went over to check out her operation with my wife and her best friend from college. We went up to Hart the Avenue and got some great lunch with her.

And I've known it for about a year. And you guys know me. Anybody who's fucking that. smart i try to get close to because she's got some great fucking ideas and now that i'm getting a little longer in the tooth i wouldn't mind helping her out and my friend christine with

you know fucking cbd with uh the little thing with the little string you put it in your little monkey and it refreshes your monkey this shit is all good idea but i thought about it after she left somebody's got to create something for us pretty fucking soon something for us to put in our little dick tube and just leave it in there and it gets yeah so

dog it doesn't don't hurt. Sometimes I get a little Q-tip. When I was young, I got a Q-tip just to make sure the fucking pipe was clean. You don't know if you got a garbanzo beans stuck in there. Somebody's eating garbanzos that don't process it. Anyway, it's a joke, guys.

But it's true. I remember years ago, a great comic had a, like, a long bit about fucking going shopping and there's nothing for men's balls, nothing. Oh, was a chick. Her name was Kathy Sorboe out of fucking Seattle. Fucking funny chick, MTV chick. I haven't seen her in

30 fucking years. But it's been a good week, guys. I'm feeling good. I got to go for a big time physical tomorrow. Am I scared? I'm going to go down. You know, because they hit you, you walk in at 8.30, they make you change.

They send you a fucking schedule. And then they blast you with some blood. I got my ear pads hooked up to the phone. I got my little ACDC album. No Santana anymore. I had to move on from Santana with my iPod. My iPod blew up. So, and then from there you go in and they do the fucking, uh, the shit they put in your arm, you know, to get fluids in there.

And they, and I'm not going to eat nothing. So for starters, I got to drive for an hour on an empty fucking stomach on a Monday morning, a Tuesday morning at 7 a. At the time I get there, I'm going to stab a motherfucker. And you can't drink coffee. If it was a regular physical, I could drink at least a cup of coffee with no sweetener in it just to get the party started to avoid the fucking headache. But you got to do it raw. So I think I'm going to go down in between. Once they put that shit in my fucking vein to get the flu,

I forget what they call it. They always do it, the IV. They always do it in my knuckle. And I fucking go down all the time because they always come back. We miss the vein. God damn it. And that's a nightmare for me. So with nothing in my stomach.

But you know what, guys, I got to do this. I got to do this for, I'm not feeling well. Something's not right. I know that. I have the fungi. toenail and it's just it's just a chunk of fucking brick of fucking fungi now. Like I don't even

need the fucking silly mushroom gummies. I could just fucking inhale. I mean I'm at that point they're giving off a funny smell and we looked it up I talked to a doctor friend of mine and he was saying that if the fungus has nowhere to go becomes like a yeast and it affects everything in your body like

this cut like my fucking who knows, who knows I'm shitting, I'm pissing okay you know what I'm saying? I just got a bad cough and I haven't been able to shake it. But you know what? We're sleeping, we're resting. I'm not out on the fucking road.

And I'm at home with the family. I was supposed to go to my reunion Saturday night. I had a couple options Saturday night. I could have gone to my reunion and then shot over to the Sony Theater and watched Michael Schenckner. But I really thought about the reunion. I'm going to tell you what happened, guys. Not only was I supposed to go to a reunion, but I was supposed to have the acknowledgement for the book this week. So Monday I sat down

I didn't know what an acknowledgement Really fucking was you know my wife said Just look in all your favorite books And figure it out I called T.J and just asked him Tj I don't know what to do with an acknowledgement He said listen First off thank your family

A paragraph and then thank Do the comedy and then do You know your hometown and then thank The girl that wrote the book with you And I was like that sounds perfect four fucking paragraph You know, the acknowledgement to my wife was very easy, you know. I just wrote the truth, you know, that was a fucking nowhere guy, and she took me in, and here we are today.

And then I wrote about comedy, you know, I thanked Richard Pryor for opening up my mind, and Andrew for getting me off my ass, and Mitchie Shaw and Paul Mooney and Joe and Ari and Duncan, you know, just my comedy buddies. You know, when you're a comedian or at any art, you have those four people and you can bounce shit off. That's very important when you're a comic. That's why the open mic program, the phase is so important because you build bonds and then it's like Mike, I got a gig.

I'm getting 100 bucks, but if you drive, I'll give you 50. You know, and this is when you're poor. When you're poor and you're giving away 50 fucking bucks, you're helping. And it all comes back to you later on. Somebody will call you with a $100 gig. And you're like, see, when you're a good person, at all max but all that aside like josh wolf something like josh wolf i've been friends with that motherfucker since forever you know i had to put him in the book uh but the hardest and the most

the thing that opened up my eyes about my life thinking about the reunion was when i wanted to thank the people i thank the people from union city you know for uh showing me my culture as a child It was a big Cuban community And then I thanked North Pergin And that was tough Because I had to open up with like, you know The Benders And I took it to the Runnies

But in reality Like the Benders and the Runnies were my people I loved them until the end of time I was in so many other houses growing up And I'm learning from different people The Villanos, the Ascalises The Veneeris, you know There was just so many families

and I got sad for a couple minutes. I was like, Jesus Christ, these people are gone. Like all these families, like the DeLorenzo's, they're gone. The parents are gone. Like, I'll never see these people again. And I was listening to music while I was writing it. And it was going through the whole loop, you know, Soundgarden, Allison Jane's fucking Judas Priest. It just was going through the loop, and it came down to like the disco version.

I was sitting there for so long, and a disco song came on. And it was from, you know, the 80s, the early 80s. And it just brought me back to that for like 10 fucking minutes. It just took me there, like transported me there. I got happy, I got sad, I thought about the people aren't around no more. And, you know, growing up, guys, I got to be honest with you. I'm very honest with you. Whatever you, whether you read the book or my earlier podcast and stuff,

I fucking suffered as a child without a family, but I got to tell you something, what I had, most people will never fucking know. Like, I didn't have a family, and I got one now, and it's okay. But back then, it started like in, like, I was, you know, I was struggling. My friends were keeping me alive when I was 17 and 16. By the time I got to like 18, I was never doing better.

but just the involvement, the full-day involvement with them, I wouldn't even think of my mother and father until the end of the fucking day when I laid down and I would cry a little bit of whatever the fuck. But what I had as friends at that time, like my little crew, Fernie, Roger, Glenconti, fucking, you know, Rago, Guy Tabasco, Runny, you know, our crew. Like, that'll never happen in my life again.

And I felt a little bit of it with Joe and Ari and Duncan and Josh and all the other comedians. You know, I was friends with Bert and Tom. But these guys were the people who introduced me to that feeling. We were buddies. We lived and died for one another. Think about it, guys. I didn't go home to a mom at the end of the day. I didn't go home to a dad at the end of the day.

Not even a family member. These were people that I met going to school and playing basketball. And all of a sudden I was in their homes eating. And, you know, Carlos and Deedy fucking their mother give me a bigger piece of chicken than she gave her own kids. And it was just a beautiful fucking thing that it's what kept me alive, guys. Because I don't know what I would have done with my fucking life. I don't know if I would have jumped.

I don't know if I would have OD. It always gave me a reason to get up. Like, their love always was like, you know what? Maybe I should give it another day before I decide to put those cement shoes on. You know what I'm saying? And I never really thought of suicide except maybe one time when I was done. It was Coke. And when you added Coke to the mix to what you're feeling.

But it made me realize about how we deal with different things as humans or whatever. Because if Mike or Lee or whatever would have seen me, they want to go, Joey's fine. Joey's fucking fine. He's crazy and never. He's cracking jokes. He's smoking pot. He's eating edibles. But it's not what Lee and.

Mike saw in our daily interactions it's what I felt you know even though I was okay on the outside there was a fucking silent storm going through me and a lot of you people have gone through that where you're involved in something you you work something's going on that's just it eats you alive every day inside but every day you win you don't let it get to you it finally got to me when I was like 25 24 and I ended up kidnapping that poor bastard you know just the whole fucking the whole fucking mind felt backfired. It becomes a mental health issue. And I understand that now.

Now I look at my behavior back then those couple of years. But that was one of the reasons I couldn't walk into that reunion. Don't get me wrong. I had dear friends that were going to be there. From the Messinas to a villa to fucking Merlo, you know, Chuckie McBreen, Ralph. I had so many friends in mine that were going to go. But what didn't let me go is that I have a dear friend that always says you can't go back. He's a firm believer in that you can't go back

You can't fucking go back And I'm not talking about going to a reunion I'm talking about in your mind Putting yourself back there Or putting yourself in a predicament And I don't mind that I live in the fucking past And time to time because it builds my confidence

I don't know It just Whenever I'm feeling down I think about what I went through back then Even though what I listen today I feel a complete different thing I got a daughter I got a wife You know yeah I think of my mom

My mom every once in a while. This week I had to send pictures, additional pictures, and I had to scan them through my iPad. And that's completely different than when you look at a picture on the fucking wall. When I scanned them in my iPod, I got to see them without the glass and without the whole thing. And, oh, my God, I was, like, taken away. Like, I had forgotten what my mother looked like.

Like, you just see, like, these little pictures and shit like that. And you're like, oh, my God, that's... Look at my mom, you know? So it was one of those weeks, guys. And I spoke to a lot of people who were going. But yesterday, Saturday, we had a fucking softball game, right? So it was a 3 o'clock fucking game. The game ended at 5.

And all the moms were like, what the fuck are we doing? You know, what are we going to do? The dad's like, we got a couple of parents had plans, but I was like, you know what? Just get some beers and come in a fucking house. By 7 o'clock last night, I probably had 10 kids over here running from the top. to the bottom, top to the bottom. You didn't see any of my cats for hours.

Those motherfuckers were hitting under rocks and the whole thing. And I had like 10 parents in the living room talking. We made cheeseburgers. She made some flanks steak. And we sat there until 10 o'clock at night. And I felt bad. But at the same time, this is my new life. What do you want me to do?

I can't walk away from these people. But the reunion wouldn't have felt the same anyway. Because even though I had friends there, nobody from that crew in high school was going to go. I mean, one guy flipped a wagon. Roger passed away. Glenn had plans already, and he said it wasn't for him,

and I understood. And I said, you know what, if my core is not going to go, it wouldn't feel the same to me. And I started missing my friend Darren Regal, too. I was like, God damn. It has been so long since I've, like coming home.

has made me miss him. Darren was my buddy that was out of his fucking bird. But, you know, we were friends since, like, 1975, and then we grew up together, and I disappeared. When I came back in 93, he became my fucking unofficial comedy driver. He would work at the airport and do all this thing, and it doesn't matter, but I just missed him. I just, for the first time, in a long time, I fucking missed him.

And now I'm going into the home stretch because, I don't know if you guys remember, My mom died November 8th. So now next weekend is when that whole process of a debt started. I went to a party, a Halloween party. I don't even know what I dressed up that year. I do know what I dressed up that year. And I won't say it because I'll be accused of different things. But in 1979, we were just stupid fucking kids and nobody was making a big deal about anything.

In fact, I lost my sheet somewhere on Kennedy Boulevard that night. So it didn't fucking matter. And I went to this party and it was a fucking tremendous party in an attic. It was an attic. And this party was by invite only. No young kids were going to,

but it was not supposed to be any sophomore there or anything. But one of the guys invited us, his brother was going. He goes, you come with me. And to get upstairs to the party, you got to go through a ladder and then climb up.

Out of a fucking hole and land. So it's a big attic. And in the middle of this fucking fucking attic was a hole where you would go down the stairs. I can't tell you how many people fell down that fucking hole that night. And it was 79. It was great fucking acid. We were talking about one of the parents the other day.

We were talking about those mushrooms. I gave him a few mushroom gummies. And we were giggling. They were like, you know, it's always fun to go out on these? I go, you know what the best thing about any hallucinogenic is, like, especially acid? Like, when you're fucking burning on acid, me, Mike, lead, take a hit of acid and we go to a bar or party, whatever, barbecue. And sometime when we're there, we get broken up into different groups, okay?

And this is phenomenal because we're tripping on acid and we're not saying much. People are telling us shit and we're watching them. Like, we're like, yeah, yeah, little do they know. Your hair's on fire to me. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm talking to you, but your eyeballs are flipping. your hands on fire and guys not now not the acid we did

in the church and stuff when I was growing up that's the type of acid I would get that I would be talking to you and your eyes would be red and shit and I'm like oh I can't do this no more and you always get caught in an earbeat but you know what makes it

the best when you're tripping with your friends that I'm talking to this guy and yeah and I'm talking to this guy yeah and all of a sudden I'll look over to see with Mike and Lears and the universe makes us all look at each other at the same time. And guys, it's the fucking universe.

You just go, and all of a sudden, Michael, look at me, and Leo look at me, and we'll all look at each other, and then we'll go right back to what we're doing, like nothing happened, and we'll keep doing that every 30 minutes. You know, it was one of those nights where, you know, you have a fucking, I didn't really have a curfew. But I had to be home. I had rules.

There was rules. I had a call. And I never forget that they had a clock, one of those bar clocks on the wall. And every time I looked at it with the acid, an hour would pass. And it felt like 10 minutes. Like, boom, fuck, 11. Boom, midnight.

What the fuck? So I'm supposed to meet this girl. It was fucking crazy. This is acid time. This ain't fucking Armenian time. This ain't nothing. You know, people say they run on black time or Brazilian time. They're 15 minutes late.

This was acid time where that clock does not fucking stop. So this girl, I was supposed to meet this girl for the first time. We were supposed to hook up on the sly. I knew her from high school, and her girlfriend came to me and said she wanted to hook up of me and her girlfriend wanted to hook up with my buddy.

So we had a plan to meet them like a fucking midnight. But this blonde shows up at like 1130, great friend of mine, best friends of the girl I'm supposed to meet. And she goes, listen, the girl that was supposed to meet is Hammond. She's at a different party on 74th Street, and she sent me here to tell you to walk over there.

And I'm like, what? I'm not fucking going over there. I'm stoned to the gills here. I'm fucking seeing angels and shit. So she goes, no, no, no, no, come on. It's four blocks away. Come on, come on, come on, it's four blocks away. And I'm like, fuck.

I got my fucking costume half ripped. I'm tripping my ass off. I'll never forget that when I got to the bottom of the ladder, there was a guy with his head in a bucket, like a spackle bucket. He was just fucking puking. I looked at him for a little while. It was fucking horrible.

I walked out to Kennedy Boulevard, and I'm walking down Kennedy Boulevard with this girl who's my age. But she's dating a fucking monster of a senior or he's in college. This guy was a fucking monster. And as me and her are walking, her boyfriend pulls up. And he goes, hey, what the fuck is going on? Why are you with Coco? And I'm like, it ain't that type of party.

I was shitting pickles, you know? He gets out of the car. I'm fucking petrified. I'm just walking to a party with this girl. He gets out of the car. He's like, what the fuck? So now he's like, get in the fucking car. He goes, dog, nothing was happening.

He goes, whatever. I'll deal with you on fucking Monday, cock sucker. And he's yelling at the girl. And he pushes her. And I, you know, I jump in between him. I go, do, what the fuck? We're just friends.

We're going to meet this broad. She just came to fucking get me. You're pushing her over this? And he's like, well, I'll deal with you in fucking two days, motherfucker. And I'm like, fuck. I'm going to get beat up by this fucking savage. So I walked back upstairs to the party.

It's fucking two in the morning. I'm like, what the fuck? And the party's still packed. So I'm like, I got to call my mother, right? So I run downstairs. There's a pay phone next to this bar. I'm regs, which is right 50 feet from the party. I put my fucking quarter in there.

I call my mom. She's fucking half of sleep. She's like, where are you? I go, mom, the bus stop running. You know, I got here a little too fucking, I was high. I couldn't tell her that. I go, I'm a little tired, you know, whatever. She's like, listen, I don't care what time you get home.

What time, just give me a fucking time. And I'm like, three o'clock. And she goes, I'll see you at three. Okay, so now the acid's still kicking. People's faces are melting, the whole fucking deal. And I look back, it's four in the fucking morning. Now I'm like, I tell my buddies who I was there, go, guys, I got to go home. This is 70th Street.

We lived on 38th Street. One of the guys I was there with, lived on 40th Street or something. I'm like, we're going to have to walk home, guys. We're fucking tripping. We're drunk. We go back downstairs. The dude's still puking in a fucking bucket.

And all of a sudden, one of the kids' brothers was like, I'm going downtown. I'll take you down there. So he gets in a fucking call. We go fucking down there, and he drops you off from my mother's house. But the fucking birds are chirping. It's like 5 o'clock, quarter to 5, maybe 5.30.

I have no fucking idea. It's light. out and I'm like wow this is my first all nighter you know what I'm saying like wow all right we're on to something here oh shit

and I fucking hit the key and the fucking door open and she just unleashed on me just unleashed on me fuck you you fucking piece of shit you didn't call and I'm like what the fuck

mom at two I woke you up I didn't want to wake you back up She's like, don't use that fucking excuse. You gave me your word. You were going to call at 3 o'clock. And I'm like, holy shit. She's fucking serious. So I go, you know what, Mom?

I'm not going to talk to you about this. It was a misunderstanding all around. I'm sorry, I'm going upstairs. And she's like, no. No, we're going to talk about this. And I just put my hand up, and she fucking smacked me in the face, dog. The hardest smack she ever fucking laid on me. It twisted my fucking head because my mom knew I was getting to that age.

that if I ever snapped on her, she had to shut it down. Like, my mother didn't come from the school a timeout or, you know, there's a timeout. Oh, my God, it's time for therapy. My mom is like, you did what? You fucking high-handed me. I'll bust your fucking head. And I'm nipping this shit in the bud right now. This is after I had done the 18-day stretch in the hospital.

Her fucking tension, she had already had it. She was in the hospital after that. She lost the bar, the yank. These weren't fucking, the Mets weren't winning. You know, her world was at the end of a fucking rope, which is, was. I didn't have no idea. So it was like that Saturday was like the 30th. It was like the 30th.

Halloween was going to be like a Sunday or a Monday, like this year, you know. After she smacked me, I go, I'm just going fucking upstairs. I don't need this shit. And I went upstairs and just locked the door. And, you know, I was upset. I didn't understand what she was all upset about. But the next morning, I opened my eyes

and she was standing right over me serious as a motherfucker and she's like listen get up and she goes I smelled the alcohol on your breath last night she goes you were drinking and I said something to her yeah

and she goes I can tell you I'm over now you know how I feel in the morning you know like she was like a little sense of humor you know but then she goes listen about last night here it is plain and simple you told me you're gonna call me a three you did not call me at three. The reason why I was so mad was because one day you're going to have a wife and a daughter and a son and a bunch of other shit.

And when it comes to women, you have to answer to them. No matter what the fuck you want to do, that's what being a man is. And I was like, what the fuck is she talking about? I got a dick. I got hair on my dick. I am a fucking man, but that's not what she was saying. She wasn't talking about. She was already prepping me.

She was outside the box. She's like, here's the deal. You got to call your wife and you got to call your mom. And you got to, whatever time you're telling me you going to call, call. If you're not going to be home, call me again at 3. And we're cool. I wouldn't have said that fucking word to you. If you'd call that 3 and told me you coming home with 5, not a fucking peep.

And I'll never, ever, ever until, guys, it was the weirdest thing. You know, when you see something like you're walking down the street and you see a guy run into a car. and you go hmm that's weird but I'm listening to fucking Nirvana on the earphones you know what I'm saying

I really don't give a fuck what's going on and you get home and you know two days later that was a robbery and somebody got shot or something

and you actually you know you're not a witness you didn't see the guy's face but you saw his energy you saw how he was running and you saw he got in the car and you'll never forget that maybe you'll pick up the phone

and go as a red Cadillac or whatever the fuck it is but there's certain things that you see in your life that you'll never forget. Like you just never forget. You go, that was fucking weird. Like, I don't know.

I had a lot. Like the one, Don Henley picked me up, hitchhiking. You know what I'm saying? Like, what are the chances? What are the chances of fucking John Denver picking you up? Hitchhiking on Fourth of July to go up snowmast? You know, you look at those things and you go, I'll never forget that the rest of my fucking life, you know?

But she just looked at me a certain way. She goes, listen, I just, she goes, playing and simple. I just want you to grow up and be a man. and I'll never forget that she had tears in her eyes and she turned around you know she went downstairs she was breakfast is ready whatever the fuck but I'll never forget how upset she was that night

and how upset she was when she told me that she wanted me to grow up to be a man and it was a simple statement like I just wanted to grow up to be a man not to have a fancy car not to have any of this shit but just to understand what goes with the territory of slinging dick

and doing whatever to fuck you want you still got to answer you know it didn't make sense to me until i found her on the floor a week later because that was probably the 31st of october and she died on november 7th but it was after midnight so they claimed it the 8th so you just when i found her on the floor and i called the ambulance that's when that speech rang in my head and it rings in my head constantly you know and it's not like some guy yelling in your head, you know what I'm saying? Like, this is something that when something happens, whether, you know, you do, I still remember, you know, getting to an airport at 5 in the morning going, what the fuck? What the fuck?

What am I doing with my life? It's 4.45 in the fucking morning. And I'm in a fucking airport to go to some town. And I would go, but I made a commitment. You know, there's been plenty of times when I'm at an airport and I'm like, I'm not standing. on that fucking line, you know, especially when you fly southwest and in L.A.

it would be outside the fucking door. And I'm like, I'm a fucking flying on that fucking plane, you know. But that's all what it comes with the territory of being a man. It's saying that you're going to do something and stick them to the fucking sentence, you know, and I'll never forget that.

And now we're going into that area, you know. And it's 43 years, and I've spoken to, uh, my therapist about it. Speaking about therapist. And now for a word for my motherfuckin sponsor. All right, you bad motherfuckers. This podcast is sponsored by better help.

Sometimes you can fix it on a problem so long that you don't take the time to find the right solution. But when you learn how to find your own solutions, there's no better feeling. Sometimes a therapist can help you become a better problem solving, making it easier to accomplish your goals like they did for me. I love BetterHelp. I love Dana and I love their therapy

and how they worked on me. For you guys that don't know, BetterHelp is an online therapy that offers video, phone, and chat therapy sessions. You can choose and not to see anyone on camera, but it's more affordable than in-person therapy, okay? Prices are high out there. You won't get a therapist.

At least with better help, you'll have a therapist in 48 hours. When you want to be a better problem solvable and you want your life to reach, run smooth. Therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz. Again, betterhelp.com slash Diaz and I'm going to get you 10% off of your first month. That's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. And now back to the joint, Jack. All right. Now since we're back from BetterHelp, in fact, tomorrow's my last therapy session of Better Out. After a year and a half, we've worked it, we've talked it over,

and that's it. We're to the end, and it was great, and I really enjoyed it, and if I could recommend Dane and anybody, I would do it all over again. It's been a fucking great journey

with those people. I never had a therapist before. Granted, it wasn't a lady on the couch with a fucking watch, and you got to go in there, nobody's doing that no more because of COVID

you've got to pay fucking 400 an hour. And better help did do the fucking job for me. Look at my fucking, look at the joint two years ago, and look at the joint now. Beside the fucking Band-Aid, I'm doing a lot goddamn better. You know what I'm saying? I had a band-in-my-soul before.

Now I got a Band-Aid in my fucking face. But, yeah, that was a great time for me. Not a great time for me, but it was a great learning experience. And it's so weird how by talking to a therapist, I spoke about this every once in a while, my mother. And the other reason why I want to talk to the therapist about my mother is because, and I don't mind this, guys, I don't mind this at all. In fact, it's the most flattering thing you could do for me.

If you really want to hit home with me, I love when people reach out and go, Joey, I'm going to bind. My mother's in the ICU or something, and I need a prayer or whatever. Or Joey, my mother died last night or my grandmother died. I get five of those a month, and I write you the best note. I think I can't. But I also lie to you a little bit, and I tell you that. Just live to the dream. that they wanted for you and

not the pain, but that that fucking that fucking side, that thorn in your side goes away in time. Anybody who's lost a parent knows that, you know,

it just, it's mind-boggling. It's fucking mind-boggling. I don't know how people survive it, and I don't know how the fuck I survived it. Honest engine.

When people tell me now, that they lost their parents or somebody passed away like their mom or grandma and they were tight with them. It rips me the fuck apart. But I enjoy talking to them for just, you know, five fucking minutes. I know exactly what to say for five minutes because I was there. I was there. And I remember the people who came into that wake and spoke to me and how they spoke to me. Some people were fucking jerk off.

But I had such fucking great people that came in and said, this is what you're going to. this is what you're going to go through. There's what's going to happen. This is what you're going to feel. If you ever feel this, contact us. But anyway, that was a long fucking time ago. I just want to let you guys know that the time is inevitable for all of us. In time, we'll lose a parent.

And you'll think about your uncle Joey and go, fuck. This was, think of the magnitude how it hit me at 16. Not only that, it's not like getting a call that your mom got hit by a truck while she was walking on fucking a boulevard. I found her. I found, I saw the purple arm, I saw the purple around his shoulder, and that'll stay with me for fucking ever. And I, again, it was the drugs, you know, let's face it. Nobody just does a pound of coke a week because they like it. You had to shut down the pain somewhere.

And the acid, all those years on the acid, which are now coming back to fruition, you can tell I'm fucking get retarded by the day. but all that shit it made me past that pain and there was no therapy back then guys it wasn't like you know you called somebody on your fucking internet screen you know it was I didn't even know I didn't even know what therapy was

you know nobody ever said you know people said if you want to talk what is her to talk about she's gone I can't bring her fucking back so it was a tough thing it's going to be 42 fucking years next week 43 fucking years and it's something but if I have to credit being here

it's the guys like Rago it's the guys like Glenn and Fernie and Roger and there's a lot of other people but those acknowledgements when I wrote those acknowledge like it made me call like five kids and go hey I need a picture of your family and they're like why and I'm like because I have to put them in the book I have to honor them for what they did for me at that time

I never knew the magnitude of it until I was right and their thanks to all these different fucking families. So it's been a great fucking journey. And I think writing the book was fucking therapeutic as fuck. So it's been a fucking great journey, guys. And I think for me, the therapy was good, the face-to-face therapy. But matching my personality, they're writing it out. For some people, you know, they don't want to talk about this shit.

writing it out and what you were really feeling at the time really fucking helps. I can't tell you how much it does. So I don't know what the fuck we're talking about on a Monday. I'm supposed to bring a little joy to you, motherfuckers. We got a great week coming up. I got to talk to you about a new movie I got. Let's break it down, motherfuckers.

Tuesday morning, I get up at 5 in the morning. I'm coughing. I'm drooling. I'm shitting myself. And I'm not having the best morning in the fucking world. I drink some coffee. I get dressed, you know, I jump in the shower. I come downstairs, it's got to be maybe 10.30.

It was one of those mornings where I got up at 5 and then fell back to sleep about 7. You're going to love this shit. So I'm not in that fucking office two minutes and my phone's ringing. I didn't even know who called yet. As I fucking made the loop, the phone starts ringing. It's my agent. And they go, Joey, you know, the girl answered, Joey, hi. You have a call.

Okay. And then she's like, hi, how are you doing? and the agent says, listen, you didn't get the part in the De Niro movie, but they might come back at you with something later on in the week or whatever. They just want to keep an open door. They want to contact you and thank you. And I said, that's great. And guys, listen, there was two seconds of sadness.

You know, I know the game. So I didn't hang up the phone with my agent goes, they're going to call you in like five or ten minutes. They wanted me to call you first to let you know they were calling. They're going to call from a New York number. just be ready. I don't put the fucking phone down, and the phone rings. But it's not a New York number.

It's my friend Nick Valanga. We've had him on the podcast, and he fucking wrote the Green Book. He wrote an Academy Award for the Green Book. I'm like, what's up, Nick? How are you doing? Because I called Nick a few weeks ago for a different friend of mine

that's got a script, and he wants Nick to help him with it. Nick said he would help him with it, so he wanted me to just get past it along to him. So he calls back. I tell him what I want, and he goes, calling you. It's not because of that. I want to know if you're available in November to do a

movie. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm available. I have nothing going on. He goes, do you have any stand-up dates that'll fucking fuck this up? And I go, I got November 3rd, which is a Wednesday night. And he goes, that's no problem. We're going to start shooting on the 3rd. And I don't think your first day is like the 5th or something. I go, perfect. And I got the night before Thanksgiving. And he goes, well, that's no problem either because we're taking that one. week off of the holiday. I go, perfect. Let's do it. He goes, all right, I'll call you by the end of the day. Now, guys, when somebody says they'll call you by the end of the day, that means they've got to go talk to somebody. And they have to talk to two or three people, their producers, the executive producers,

the people who are putting the money down, and they got to tell them this is what their thoughts. And in that process, if me, Mike and Lee are producing this movie, Lee's got somebody. But Mike has somebody. Mike has an end with an agent that said they get a better person than me, whatever, which is, guys, it's fine. I didn't hear from him Tuesday. He told me you called by the end of the day Tuesday. So when he didn't call, I scrapped it, guys. I didn't hear from law and order. I was owned for, okay? Wednesday, I did a bunch of shit. We did a podcast. I called Esther to come do the podcast because I found out Monday Esther had released her product. She sent me a picture. I'm like, Esther, how are you going to release it without doing a podcast?

or let's get in the boss story. Let me help you out with this. So I called Esther, okay? And a lot of you just looked at me when she came on and go, what is Joey thinking about, having that stuff? Guys, she has a great product. She's smart, and I just wanted to help her get it out there. And some of you enjoyed it.

You know, I couldn't say much. I didn't want to fucking be an asshole and start talking about pussy shots and all that stuff. So I tried to keep it as professional as I could. And I enjoyed myself. I had a great day with them. Thursday, you know, I haven't been feeling well, blah, blah, blah. So Friday, I'm doing something.

I'm running errands. I got to go get something at Shop, right? I got to stop at CVS. And when I get in the car in front of the house, I'm not even at the fucking corner, and my text goes off. And it's my agent. One of my agents from my line.

He goes, listen, get by the phone. We're about to call you with an offer. I'm like, author. I go, well, maybe the De Niro movie has a little role for me. Fuck it. I'm not doing anything. So I kept driving and I pull into a parking lot by El Nito and fucking, they call. And they're like, this is Mike.

This is Jay. This is Steve. We're all on the same call. You know what I'm saying? And the one guy goes, all right, who's going to tell him? And he comes on and goes, hey, Mike here. Great guys, you know. Mike here, I just want to tell you, we received an offer for you for the movie.

You know, that's a moray. I think he's a friend of you is, Nick Falalanga, and he goes, it shoots in Jersey, it starts November, whatever. Let me tell you who the cast is, if you're interested. I'm definitely interested. Nick's a great guy. You know, the guy wrote an Academy Award.

Why wouldn't I want to work with the fucking guy, right? So I go, yeah, and he goes, let me tell you it was in the movie. He's like, John Travolta, you're playing John Travolta's friend? He goes, you and Andrew Dice Clay and fucking Catherine Hegelberg fucking chev uh whatever her fucking name is uh dan acroyd are you fucking kidding me Christopher walking are you fucking kidding me uh chas pomanderry d'a m'teo talia shire d b sweeney i mean there's a bunch of fucking people in this

movie i'm like fuck yeah fuck yeah shoots in november northern new jersey in my old territory fucking hoboken what i'm in motherfuckers so I hit Nick up Nick. Thank you very much for the opportunity. I love you, cocksucker. And he goes, let me send you a script. Blah, blah, blah, blah. So next week, well, this week is going to be a rough week.

Tuesday, I'm doing this fucking physical. And then Wednesday, I might have to go over the wardrobe, whatever the fuck. To take a COVID test. Who the fuck knows? They're not going to tell me shit till this afternoon, later on this afternoon, or early tomorrow when I'm in, when I'm,

fucking recovering from the blood test. That's when I'll get the call. Where you're working these dates and these are the hours and I don't really give a fuck guys. I got nothing going on. I got those two shows I'm excited for and this movie. So it's going to work out fucking perfectly. And I sat there for a minute.

I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, I just audition for four movies and didn't get dick. Right? Nothing. Nobody called. Nobody right. Nobody wanted to talk to Uncle Joey. and this guy just calls me up and offers me a movie. I go, I wish people knew this.

I wish people knew that when you're in this business. Yes, talent's got a lot to do with a lot of things. I'm not saying I'm talented. I'm a lucky motherfucker, okay? Talent has a lot of things. It has to do with your good karma and what you're putting out. I got to be honest to you guys. When I got that call,

and I hung up that phone you know what the first thing I thought about was Esther Esther that I went out of my way like I do I try to do this every fucking day and you could ask Mike you could ask Lee

I try to do something nice I try to make your day every day even if it cost me money I'll make your day because I know that's a better chance of me having a good fucking day that's the first person I thought

it was little Esther putting her on the podcast You know, with no, I don't want any money from her. You know, I'm fucking 60. She's 37. Well, where am I going? I mean, you know, if she's 37, she may be 35 or something, right? I mean, where am I going?

I did this from my heart. I did this because I missed her. I hadn't seen her. You know, we text from time to time during the week from the weed store and stuff. I hadn't seen her. I go, I love to you to come to Jersey, do the podcast, hang out. And she was like, I'll be there fucking with bells on. And guys, like I always.

tell you the universe will always take care of you. You know, even though people aren't watching, the universe is always watching. Everybody's always, my phone's getting tapped, you know what I'm saying? Everybody's always got, everybody thinks they're fucking important, okay? Nobody's watching, you're asking, you know, nobody's watching. If you talk to fucking Alexa, yeah, they're going to be listening, but nobody's watching, you asshole.

Nobody's got your phone tap, you know. The CIA doesn't even know who the fuck you are. The FBI don't know who you are. Stop trying to be cool. But remember one thing. The universe is always fucking watching. They got a fucking, you don't even see it when you wake up. Next time you shave or brush your teeth, look at the mirror.

You got a little stick behind your head with a fucking camera to see where your daily activities are. And they fucking log it. So when you kick a cat, when there's nobody around or you fucking throw a rock in an old man and shit, the universe is rocking. You know, the universe is watching. When I was a kid and I used to talk. torture Mr. Martini, why I think I always had fucking bruised knees and fucked up elbows and stitches all over the fucking place? Because I was tortured and oh man, throwing rocks at him and fucking,

you know, pebbles and invading his fucking privacy. The universe is always watching, guys. And when you do good things, unprovoked, like just something from your heart, you know, Rudy Saw has taught me so much in this life. In all our podcast, I always took something from Rudy. he's such a fucking brilliant dude. You know, he's 70 fucking 3, 72, 70. He tours with these kids just to give them love, and he says it.

It's a labor of love. And for years, he spoke about a laborer love, like a laborer love. I'm like, what's this fucking long-head Cuban dude talking about? And one day it finally hit, you know, when you see people like Joe Rogan, and you say to yourself,

well, he's a dick, he's that, let me tell you something, he had a plan all along. If Joe makes $100, he gives you $50. He gives you 50. He wants you to eat. He wants you to dress well. He wants you to smell well.

Joe always open up the door for you. He's opened up the door for so many fucking comics. He's the fucking Johnny Carson's generation. And I was one of those comics. So when he gets $100 million, you want me to tell you why? He gets $100 million. Not because he's the smartest guy in the world.

Not because he's the funniest guy in the world. Because he puts good shit out there. Not to you, motherfuckers. You're never going to see Joe with a picture, him with a check. I donated $100,000 to the Blind Association. We don't do that in our church. We don't do that in our church. I'd rather help somebody out here in front of me,

somebody who fucking struggles with me every fucking day than worry to tell you guys, I'm worried about the ozone layer. No, you're not. You're just saying that shit because you want to have friends. That's how you make friends. By doing little things. It's not even about guys.

It's not even about money. You ever been treated with money? Has anybody ever treated you with money where all they have to offer you is money? They don't want to be your friend. They don't want to talk to you about nothing. They don't want to fucking go to a movie. It's all about money with you. That's how they take care of it.

You know, I was reading something the other day about a girl who's going against her father because he never paid a child support or whatever. You know, who the fuck knows? If you do something from the kindness of your heart, it goes a fucking long way, man. And that's my Monday fucking message for you, motherfuckers on the joint, Jack. We got a great football game tonight.

If you want to contact draft kings, do what you want to do. I had a great weekend with them. I didn't do, I didn't watch the UFC. The Yankees, you can't even watch them. They can't even hit the ball. I think, you know, they got to stand in front of the, they're trying to get hit by the pitch. And I told my wife, you know,

they just put their leg out and try to hit, Hit by the pitching out again on base. That was a very disappointing fucking show. And that's it and that's that, motherfuckers. I don't know what my schedule is this week, but we will try to give you another podcast, Tip Top Magoo. And when I realize what the schedule is, I'll let you motherfuckers know.

So you know what to expect from Uncle Joey. Stay black. Have a great week. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, I want to thank you guys in a beautiful Monday morning for listening to my bullshit today. But before you go to podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp, listen, you got stuff going on in your world, you got stuff going on in your life, and you want to find the solution.

That's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone, and chat therapy sessions. You can choose to not see anyone or to see somebody, and it's much more affordable than in-person therapy. I've been with them for about a year, and listen, when I got here to BetterHelp, I was a fucking mess. and now I'm tip-top, McGoo slinging dick with three hands. Who's better than you? Nobody!

Better Help! You want to be a better problem solver? Therapy can get you there, okay? Visit betterhelp.com slash Diaz, D-I-A-Z to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz for 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com slash Diaz.

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off your first order I want to thank CBD lion better help dot com and stamps dot com but most importantly you fucking savages for supporting the joint stay black have a good day and I'll see you Love you.