The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #209 - Joey Diaz, Steve Simeone, Mike Robuck and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 2, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined in studio by Comedian Steve Simeone who's cd "Remember This For When You're Sad comes out October 13th. Joey's friend Mike Robuck calls in to talk about his book Gun Trader's Guide by to Collectible Knives. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Naughty By Nature -Hip Hop Hooray Tony Bennett - I Wanna Be Around 52 Girls -The B - 52's   Recorded on 09/01/2014.

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it's a Monday night motherfuckers September 1st the rent is due but who gives a fuck you can't wear white no more so you got sticking her ass

right oh oh Monday night it starts tomorrow motherfuckers Stevie Simone in the motherfucking shirt

please I at with a little red shirt doing this motherfucker with some brownies oh it's a motherfucking Monday smoking smoking token

Stick it in the mouth. Put it in her neck. What? It's the church. Oh, what's happening now, motherfuckers. Let's do this, Lee. What's up, you bad motherfuckers? Steve Simone, the house.

My main man, the flying Jew in the fucking house. What up? What's up, guys? You know me. Missing you, had a good weekend. How about you, brother? My weekend was great. Those tacos were the best way to put a button on the weekend.

That's what happened. You had a Mexican mother-in-law. The Mexican mother-in-law was away for a month. She was in Mexico. So I'll get any good. And last night we went to go get the Chinese food down in Santa Monica. There was a fucking disaster. No, no, no, the food was great.

It's not worth the fucking drive. But I actually, you got to park, get a walk. Somebody stole my parking spot and I yelled at him. Like, I normally would have just left, but I fucking yelled at him. I yelled at him like you. And he gave you the spot? No, fuck no. He was in a big truck, so I got scared so I didn't get out of my car.

But I yelled at him. But we, the food was great. But we saw somebody walking by with these, like, fried taco sort of things. So Paul calls her mom. at like 10 o'clock at night last night. She went to the store first thing this morning, made some delicious tacos, and had a little bit of a cheat day.

Nice. No, no, you brought them fucking delicious. He showed up like a drug dealer. Yeah. Look at that bag of blow. He brought him to tell him. Delicious Mexican cheese. That's from the cartel of some kid on the bus.

Some kid on the bus brought that up in his lunchbox from Mexico and shit. The other night, I possibly had the funniest phone call I had with this fucker. Really? What happened? Oh, my God. So I was stoned. I call him up. And I'm excited.

Lee's going out. Now, for you people who listen to the podcast and I get an email once a week, leave that kid alone. You give them medibles, you corrupt him. This is why I give this fucker edibles, because I call him up at 10-30 and I go, are you excited about the show? And he's stuttering. He's like, hey, yeah, I guess so. What's the story? You're going to eat a piece of edible? He goes, oh, no, no, no, we're going to have a smoothie and go to the show. I almost died when he said he was going to have a fucking smoothie and go to the show. And I go, so what? You ain't Paul? I don't know. She's going to take a piss test. I'm like, as they're telling you about the piss test, you just keep handing it to them. Don't talk about it for an hour about the piss test. You just keep handed to them.

How did you go to see the Jews with not even a little bite? I'm so glad I didn't because it was crazy in there. I actually, I had my first experience with a douchebag, L.A. door guy. Like the guys, the people in front of us were trying to get in. We had like a guaranteed in by like 11, but there's a general admission line. so the guys in front of us were in the wrong line and the doorman was like, oh no, you got to go stand over there unless you want to pay me. And they were like to get in and like the guys are like how much? And he said, just show me and I'll tell you if it's enough.

So they took out like 20 bucks each and I was like, nope. So they went to a different line. And I was like, holy, I've never experienced that before. And then actually a bunch of people. And I only remember one name because it was Jimmy. That was a guy named Jimmy. But there were like five or six people there from the podcast. Oh, that's cool.

They were very nice. Thank you for coming over and saying, But it was a lot of fun And you jump up and down? Fuck yeah Did you sweat? Fuck yeah You didn't get high

And nothing Not even a fucking edible No No This is what I'm talking about This is what I'm talking about He takes this point You're supposed to take her out

And show that you're a fucking flying Jew A man on the edge What does that mean? On the edge You're taking around Like I don't know She said you right away You look at him

We're doing some X tonight And she's go I can't I'm an attorney And you're just going in And you just give her like Aspirin, fake her out. But she got to run the show here. She doesn't need aspirin, and she knows what aspirin looks like.

Here's a fuck. We'll give you a white aspirin. We'll do anything to make it exciting here. It was exciting. It was a great time. You sure? Nothing? Oh, the one thing. They were selling the Mexican hot dogs right outside of the club.

Wrapped in bacon. Yeah. So what club was this? Avalon. Right on Hollywood. Yeah. And then what time did you get in there? So you walked in 11 and then go on to 1?

Right, yeah. And what the fuck do you do to 1? Luckily, they had an upstairs seating area. So we just sat down and, like, like, on couchers and waited for the for the opening acts to finish. And actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about this. First of all, I don't really think there should be opening acts for musicians because no one ever really wants them to be there.

And then also, I had a great time, but I realized I've been following this band for seven years. And they started with a bunch of new stuff, but finished with some older stuff. And as comedians, you guys always are, people always say, oh, you should have new material. But with musicians, a lot of times, you really want the old stuff and the new stuff.

you're like, fuck this, I don't care about that. So, like, how, I was interested in how it's different. It's amazing. If you pay $200 to see Led Zeppelin, you will be pissed if you don't see Stairway to happen. Absolutely. So, and I watched an interview years ago. I can't remember who the fuck it was.

I'm one of those stupid heavy metal shows. Yeah, I love that. I love that stuff on VH one. Me too. And he was talking about, he goes, you know, you want to get away from those. I mean, how many times can you sing? Yeah.

You know, a singer. I think it was Judas Priest. And he goes, but people want to hear a medley of them. It's like when you watch the Super Bowl show with Paul McCartney, and these things get back. Right. You're like, should I fucking shoot myself now or later? But that's what I guess the status quo wants to hear.

Not me. I want to hear something new. Right. You know, mix it in. You know, I don't know. But have you ever gone to a concert where they play three great songs? No, this is something off our new album. And all of a sudden it's just like,

death. Yeah. So there's the other. side of that fucking coin. When you go to a show you want to hear shit that you know and sing along. And then, because you guys have both, I was interested in what it's like to be the feature

act, or even the open or the host because at least at a music concert, it kind of feels almost hostile towards them. Like, no one really wants them to be there. At least in comedy, I never, they're making them laugh, and even though you might not be the person they're there to see,

they know it's going to be 20 minutes. Like, the opening act is like an hour and a half. And everyone kept clapping when he was done with the song, and everyone thought he was going to be done. He kept going and going. So what does it like to be there when you know like they're there for someone else? Like it's kind of weird. It's amazing with music because when I first started going to concerts,

the thing was you never got there until 830. Right. Because who wanted to see the opening act? And that all changed once I went to see Black Sabbath and Van Haler. I was going to say that 78 tour? That 78 tour. Oh my God, you saw that? So in my mind, I was like, I'm always.

always going to catch the opening act. And because of that, I caught Def Leppard Leppardt, opening up for Judas Priest. Wow. I've caught a lot of great Iron Maiden opening up for Julius Priest from a year. I caught a lot of great bands that I wouldn't have.

And I don't know why. I don't know why. I always went to the first band. I don't, and I've seen a lot of bad ones. Don't get me wrong. With comedy, what do you think it is? Well, I think with comedy in general, there's very few headliners that

people specifically come out and see there's you, there's Rogan, there's guys that have hardcore fans, and that is changing now as comedy is getting more important. But I would say, the vast majority of people at an improv or a funny bone or a comedy club on the road, they're coming out on a Saturday night to see comedy, in general.

Really? You think so? In general. Yeah. And then I also think when it is a big name act, like when I get to open up for you, your fans love you so much, they know that you picked me. so they give me a level of respect that I wouldn't get normally

because they're like oh no this is Joey's guy so it's more like you're presenting your opening acts to the world They're friends They're friends Yeah so you put together

Like Joe did Same what a lot of guys do Right I like working with a lot of comics And I'm a fan of comics But when it comes to those weekends I want to feel comfortable I want to work with people I know

Absolutely And I want to work with people Who are funny I want to work with people that aren't scared I don't want to You know I don't want to go through shit I want you to do your job

I want you to fucking kill him Yep You know I want you to kill him. I want funny guys in front of me. I want them to get a feel of different styles. Yeah. You know, I did San Jose and both guys cursed. Yeah.

The fucking feats the fucking purpose. We put that show fucking together. Right. Who put that fucking genius thing together. So there's different things to shows. I love going to watch comedy. Okay. When you're sitting down, I hate these rude motherfuckers that walk in as the emcees coming out.

Right. It bothers the fuck out of me. Especially the ones that walk in and think it's cute. Yeah. They're being loud and they're sitting in the waitress. When you're on stage and you're trying to do a joke, even if somebody's whispered and the audience don't hear him, you hear it. Yep.

And it fucks with your time. Yep. So all those little things, give us to respect. You know, me, thank God I went to see that show because I was always trained to go see the opening act. I always wanted to go see everything. early. Yep. If I went to a basketball game, I want to go see

the warm up. If you go to a baseball game. Batting practice. Oh, yeah. It's what it's all about. It's the whole experience. I don't go because I'm older and I'm ruined and I'm fucking spoiled. But when I was 12, I don't want to go to the fucking game in the third inning. I don't give a fucking Roberto Clemente. It's making a comeback.

Batting practice is the whole thing. You know how I knew I wasn't getting into the UFC's no more? I stopped going to the way in. I didn't give a fuck about the fight. The way in is where you see the whole thing. That's the excitement. Really? The electricity. Right from the way and I can tell you who's going to win, who's going to lose,

who's not doing well, who's disshocked them, there's too many lights. Yeah. What do you think about what happened in Henan Borough? That's crazy. Yeah, it's, you know, it's just a... I'm surprised it doesn't happen more. For people, I don't know he'd be passed out when he was trying to cut weight. And it's,

I don't know how much of a weight cut he has, but for the people who have big ones, I'm surprised it doesn't, because they're dehydrating themselves. Yeah. So... It's whatever the fuck it is. But it's just really weird how you, it's a great question. Like, when I was a feature act, I didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck whether you were there to see me.

Right. Whether you were there to see the headline of my job was to rock the fucking house. Absolutely. Whether you like me or fucking not. That was my job to rock that fucking house. Yep. So in my mind, I know there's a lot of people that go on stage thinking, They're not here to see me.

They're here to Steve Simone. You just lost. Yeah, I never thought like that. I'm not there to blow Steve Simone out of the water. I'm there to add sugar to the show. I agree. The show and stand-up to me is still very much about the headliner. And I always view my job as an opener is to get them ready for the headliner.

Like, I have all different kinds of bits or whatever, and then I can feel, for my style of comedy to work, the audience has to come together as a group. I don't have jokes. I don't have one-liners. So I need them all to be together. So when I go into a story, they're listening. And then I know when they're all together, the headliner's going to have an easy time. There are sometimes, if you've got 20 minutes,

25 minutes as a feature, that you might get them right away. But then there are other times ago, I'm going to have to earn my money with this crowd. And by the time I leave the stage, I always whisper, all right, they're ready for you. I did my job. I got them ready.

I got them paying attention. I didn't beat them up. I didn't curse. I didn't end on a big high energy bit. I didn't try to fuck you. I just, I got them perfect for you. And that's my job. I want the guy in front of me to end of the high energy bit.

So the MC comes up and just brings me up. See, the MC is the most important fucking catalyst in that show. And until you learn how to MC, you will not grow as a comment. That's a great point. I wanted to perfect my spot as an MC. For years, if I'm working with Joe, I'll still go up first. I don't give a fuck about that line of money. Right.

Because I know what I want to do. Why is the MC the most important job? Because he controls the show. He's the point guard. That's true. If you've got five black guys, they're just going to run back and fucking forth and throw the ball up in the air.

You put one white guy in there, Bob Goosey, to slow everything down. If I got two killers that are headliners, I want to slow this show down a little bit. I'm going to control this show. I'm going to go up there, introduce myself, how you doing, blah, blah, blah. I got two killers behind me.

I'm still going to do my job, but I'm going to do it very suddenly. Then I'm going to go into my material, then I have announcements. And then I'm going to bring up Steve. And judging how Steve does is what I'm going to do up second. Yes. If Steve blows the fucking roof up clean, I'm going to go up there and bring him right up there.

Because they're ready. Because they're ready. If he blows up the room dirty but still blows it up, I'm going to go up there. If I have a clean liner, headliner, and take the bad taste out of their mouth, I'm going to keep with the energy, but I'm going to take the fucks out of the material. Yes. Those are all little things that you learn as experience. When you first get into it, you're just looking to do good.

When I first joined Jiu-Jitsu, I'm just looking to fucking breathe. Right. Well, you missed that arm. I don't give a fuck. I'm breathing. Yeah. I'm breathing. Now, does somebody tell you this?

Does somebody explain that to you? Because it seems like they wouldn't. Nobody really explained it to me. I started figuring it out to make the show better. When I worked with Joe, I had so much love for Joe that my goal was to make the show that much better. Yes. So my goal was to get them started, but not. Barry Ari.

Yes. Ari's my brother. So I would tame off the last two minutes. Yes. You know, slow my pace down to Ari's breathing. Okay. I would slow it down. I wouldn't move anymore.

These are things you pick up. Yes. As you get to know the people you work with. And now when I go on the road, I compare those two. These are the lessons I've learned. But I did not learn that on the road. I learned it at the comedy store, hosting on Sunday nights. I always took that very serious.

I took that, even if I was out Friday, Sunday, Sunday headlining, Thursday, Friday, I always called in for Sunday, no matter how kind I was, how much blow I snort it on Saturday night, I always made it to the Sunday MC spot because that was where everything else mattered. Nothing else mattered. Those shows I didn't fucking Las Vegas that people laugh. That don't matter no more on Sunday nights. I'm back to square run, and I would put myself in that position. and this is the position I'll put myself

for people who don't know it's two minutes left in the fight it's the third round and I'm on my back against the cage and that's how I wanted to come out I wanted to get out of that position it sounds kind of like it's like almost kind of a team sport

like I don't know how like I don't know much about it but every time I hear them describing the Tour de France they have some people who are there to help there's only like a leader like Lance like Lance Armstrong would have been the leader, and there's some guys who are there to help him on his team,

but they're not going to win the Tour de France. So it sounds like the MC, like, if let's say you had to go and slow them down a little bit. If the MC gives a fuck. But you might not kill them. You might not get all the laughs, but it's going to help the headliner. Is that what you're saying? For sure. Okay.

I'm looking to make this show better. It's all about the show. I'm always looking to make the show better. When I was in Miami all those years, and I used to work a lot in Miami, yeah. Joe Chadwick would tell me this motherfucker's asking me for a lot of. the money go up there and bury this bitch. And as a joke, I would go up there and bury these fucking Gentiles because

I knew they had nothing, you know what I'm saying? They were pissing me off to this guy's making more than me and he's a fucking bump. And I would go out there and fucking bury him. But then I started realizing it was helping me but it wasn't helping the show. When I was a kid I staying out with this kid Dennis, that was a great kid. He was a great basketball player.

But his mantra was, is not whether you win or lose. It's not how many points you score. So I knew where he was coming from As much as I loved him I knew where he was coming from Some people always tell you It's not whether the show sucks Or whatever the headliner

It's how I do That's great When you find yourself And whatever hometown you're in 10 years from now Saying LA sucks That was the attitude that got you I agree with that I go on stage to make that show better

Sometimes I do and sometimes I fucking don't But in my heart That's what I'm looking at. That's the goal That's always the goal You know sometimes It's funny how I was Lee went, he did sense with me last week,

but I'm having a really hard time. What's up? Really struggling, material-wise, joke-wise, timing-wise. It got a little better for me on Saturday and stuff like that. Long Beach was good for me. Okay. But Thursday and Friday were just weird nights, and I was telling Lee that you go through these patches.

Yeah. You know? And the quicker, it makes you want to quit. But the quicker I get through this patch, the quicker I'll get to 20 minutes. The next level, yeah. The next level. For sure.

And it sucks. And I got to tell you some, it's really great being back at the store. We're so, you have no idea how it is for us to have Uncle Joey back. It's the greatest. When I was, one of the reasons why I left the store, there was 10 reasons. But the main reason was I didn't want to be that guy. I didn't want to be that guy that went, you pulled up to the store. I was back there talking about the store 10 years ago.

You know, like he saw, you saw people the other night. You know, Ketter's saying. and giving me tags. Yeah, it was going to give him a tag. And I get it. It's heartbreaking. And I didn't want to be that guy. And I remember when I first got to the store, the older guys were getting into beef.

I was there when Dave Tyree and Joe Rogan got into a beef. Whoa. And Dave Tyree picked up a bottle. Did he know? Christmas Eve. What? What? In the year, there was no alcohol at the store.

Remember when Paulie had the Halloween? That was before I got there. I heard about that. I was there when Frankie Pace went on Joe Rogan at the stage. they went out in the main room. You know, I was there when I saw Willie Parsons say shit about me. I was there with the guy that played the violin, said shit about me, that had to push him.

There was a lot of different confrontations there with the older comics. Somebody had a problem with Tripoli from the old school. And I didn't like that because, let me tell you something, and let's get this out of the way right now. When a comic has, and I'm number one, I'll tell you right out, when a comic has another problem with another comic, between you and I,

the main source of this is a little bit of jealousy. And it grows into a different thing about a joke or a bit of the shoes he wears or the chicks he fucks. But it's a little bit of jealousy. And I have it. I'm going to tell you that I'm guilty of it also. A lot of comics I don't like. It's not because I don't like them.

Maybe I'm a little jealous of them. So if I went back to the store that night before I had the colonoscopy and I was watching Bean there and I had my spiritual fucking minute from fasting and I knew right 4 in the morning, tomorrow morning, I'm calling the store. As soon as I get back from this colonoscopy, I'm calling the store. I knew that there was going to be a couple things on my personal rule.

I knew that I had to be a better comic than those guys and sense of, I had to act like a veteran. Yeah. I wasn't going to go on there to hate on nobody. I wasn't going to go down there to hate on the younger guys because there's no reason to hate them. These are the guys are going to keep me in peanut butter and jelly when I'm 60. These are the guys that are going to call me and say, go, Joey, I got a show. I want you to play my grandfather.

Right. You know, you helped me at the store. People never forget. A joke. Yep. This is my bread and butter, these young guys. And I'm their bread and butter. They could come to me and go, Joey, I booked 18 fucking auditors.

I still remember running as easy coming up to me and going, dog. I've been on six producer sessions, I haven't booked none. And me looking at them in the face and going, you're getting closer. Yeah. And him not understanding it. Like, not understanding. Like, how can I be getting closer? I keep hearing no.

You're getting closer. You've got to get like 200 fucking nose. That means you got six nose. You're down 194. Get ready for a bunch of nose. And you hope that the yes is a good yes. It's not a $100 a day movie. The yes is like Wheel of Fortune.

You ever go to Vegas and your wheel? A fortune. It spins like that. You just got to make sure it lands on 100 fucking quarters. It's not going to. It always lands on 10 or a W or a fucking, and cocktail. Right.

But, you know, sometimes the wheel for me stops on a $100 a day movie. This one time it's stuck on a De Niro movie. There's yeses. You just got to make sure you align the odds

so those yeses are big yeses. We can't. We can't control when the yes is going to come. You just hope. It's a good one. This yes is a good one. It's an HBO special.

An agency wants to sign you a movie with Tom Hanks before I left right, by the way, guys. I got to tell you something because I don't know that you're a fan. 7 o'clock

on Nick at night, it changes. One minute you're watching Pepper Pig with your daughter, they sign off, and also they hit you with a movie. Tonight's movie was fucking splash with Tom Hanks. Wow.

John Candy, Tom Hanks, Darrell Hanna. You've never seen that movie. I've seen part of it. I almost did not come. After John Candy's second joke, and I was sitting there

when he was throwing the coins under the chick on the other shit. And looking up, looking up on the boat. And looking up their skirts. This is fucking craziness. And Tom Hanks sees that little girl and he jumps over. And when that little girl's crying, the dog, that is

a real fire. And I'm sitting there going, this movie came out like the weekend of Hotel New Hampshire. I think, I forget in the Pope Gregory's Village or something, I go, what made me go see this movie? Because this changed my life forever. When I saw John, like

yesterday I watched, I'm laid up, guys. I got a bad fucking knee. So anything that's on my DVR now is the time to watch. I've been watching the honeymooners. Last night I got up at 4 in the morning. I watched the one when he went up roller skating, and he fell in the roller skating rink, and he couldn't get up, and he went back to the house,

and he's yelling out of him. He's like, you know how fucking embarrassing it is to fall in the middle of a roller skating rink? Then they start laughing, just laugh. And everybody starts laughing. He starts laughing. And he goes, you know, it's not, he goes, this is the way the show ends.

He goes, it's not. doing things that young people do that keep you young. It's the memories in your head that keep you young. Oh my God, I started bawling. And I'm watching fucking this last night. And I'm thinking to myself, this is where I got my comedy chops. Let's get it out of the way.

Norton and Ralph, somewhere in there. I got my comedy chops. But when I saw John motherfucking candy and splash was when I said, I got to figure something, man. That motherfucker in that movie, he's a beast. It's just a beast. It's an acting beast.

A comical genius beast? Yep. It's timing. In the beginning, Tom, I got to talk to you, what? The missing money and the thing it wasn't me. Where? In the box, it wasn't, no, it was me. That's how the movie starts.

You know what, man, I love this guy. Look, that he takes the book out, lesbian no more. And then the guy, hey, he hugs the guy. What are you doing? Nothing. Great pool players cheats like a motherfucker. You know, he just, and I'm watching this going, Jesus

Christ whoever took me to this movie Change your life I got changed my life This was it That there's like 10 scenes in that movie

When he goes and gets them out And he goes up to the fucking Guy in the pond And he has to speak in Swedish Oh my God One of the best laughs In my life Oh my God

The guy's like How did you know He goes anybody knows That all the good porn Is man to Sweden I just tell that guy To fucking sharpen his dick or something I had a 12 inch penis

Why do I have to tell you I have a 12 inch penis I'm sorry, you guys, to get off. I remember when I went inside the press, the church is coming on in 40-something minutes. I almost pressed. Fuck you. That's splash and get a fucking education.

John Candy, everything he did I loved. Because that's one of the reasons why I love you. Because it's the mixture of, you can see his soul when he's being funny. There's levels to his performances that nobody's really touched. In that room, after the wedding, when they're in that bar, that dark dark bar and he's drunk Tom Hanks and he's at the bar hanging out. He's fucked

up. I'll fucking I'll pay 10,000 to a fucking investigator and go to that fucking when they shot that scene and I'm telling you John Candy is fucking lit. He's probably like, listen, I don't know what time you bitch is going to shoot this scene but I got to get this party start.

I got a package on the way. I got cheese burgers on the way. That scene when he goes to John Candy goes, you're leaving? He goes, I got these girls. They got a fucking in time resort in Rio de Janeiro and Tom Hanks's like, I really want to go and he goes, you sure, you're all right? You got money?

He goes, yeah, yeah, can I have some? Nobody. And I've said this 10 times nobody has ever used that line like that where he goes, can I have some? His soul was there. And he knew he was fucking around. Remember he falls and he goes,

none of the peanuts. It's such a fucking brilliant. And Tom Hanks, who, last night I was watching a league of their room. Great, Matt. Another fucking man. Masterpiece by Tom Hanks. Masterpiece.

This is the guy I boycotted it because he cried when he got the Academy Award for Philadelphia. You boycotted him? For like three or four years. That's a terrible. I never watched Far as Gum. So this day I didn't watch Faris Gump. Do you look like a book of stuff like the other like the age just to make children? Boycotted him on a personal level.

That's how I wrote. I'm like the Armenian. The guy used to buy cocaine from him that I wrote a bit about. The Rock? What's that expression? No, that's the other guy. What's the other expression? 69.

68. What does that mean? When you throw somebody out of a block bar? Oh, 86. 86. That's what he'd tell people. No, no, no, no. You don't not have to talk to me.

I am 86ing you from me. And he'd walk away. I'm 86ing you from me. Goodbye. Goodbye. You're 86. You did that to Tom Hanks. You're 68, you're 86.

Who me? He did that to Tom Hacks because of his Oscar speech. Once he cried for Philadelphia, when he had to watch on his face. Did he have? I never saw that movie. I never saw him. Philip Dolph is a good fucking movie, Doug, with Denzel, Washington.

Oh. That's a good fucking movie. Have you seen the trailer for Denzel's new movie? I can't watch it. Why? Because he shot his load with Man on Fire. It looks like the same thing. It's the same thing.

I can't. I wish you had more time. I can't do it. All you should do is just sequels. Man on Fire. He's dead. Who knows if he's dead? He faked it, maybe.

You don't know if he's fucking dead. When those Mexicans had him, he had a cut. had an explosive, he blew off his leg. He fucking crawled to some part of Mexico. They put a rubber leg on him like that guy in South Africa, that killed his girlfriend. He's got one fucking leg and a fake leg. Then they

fucking find him. What's his name? Gets him, and they take him to D.C. and they program him. They can let him loose. Like fucking Jason Bourne. Yeah, I'd watch everyone on this. Why did we stop with this? They could let this fucking guy loose like Jason Bourne. Back to that.

That's a good thought. Back to that comedy store thing. But that's, I'm not. very proud that I'm back there now. We love you. I know that I'm going to go through a growing stump there. It's back to doing 20 minutes set. And I told Lee.

When Lee went with his girlfriend, I had a horrible set. But I felt happy on the drive up. I'm like, this is the OR. Yeah. The OR is unlike any other room. The OR right now is still mad at me. The OR is that that wife that's like, you didn't come around for seven fucking years.

Yeah. You should come around now and get a laugh out of me? It's not going to happen. Well, your first set back was magical. You blew that room up. Because I had energy. You blew that room up. I was scared.

But no, the whole, I still remember the patois in that room, but my timing is off. It was just a fucking nightmare. The material was horrible. I wasn't remembering it. It was just a fucking nightmare. Yeah. And listen, man, I'm not worried about it. I could never be one of those guys who said,

we, I killed him liens on the way going home. Jesus, Paula. Is he fucking delusional? No, I know where I stand in my life. my life. I mean, I'm the time I go home. I fucking write a notebook. I didn't do well tonight. What did I do wrong? You know, and I got to go back to Willie and tape

this fucking set now. I keep forgetting the tape the set. You know, why have an iPhone? Do you think you do better when you're not thinking? Because we went out the other night, I think it was Thursday or whatever, to the improv and then the store. At the improv I was laughing so hard, I almost passed out. And then, and then I think, I don't know if

you overthought it or what, but it was a little bit, you did a different set at the store, it was funny, but it was like, do you feel like you do better just when you're just going on and kind of improvving you don't know what you're going to do? I hate the pressure of the store because they give me pressure spots. I don't like that. I wanted to go back

to the store to work from Tuesday to Thursday. Yeah. Monday to Thursday, I'm happy. Late night. I'm happy, man. I don't do shit in the fucking mornings. This week I got physical therapy. Monday and on Wednesday and Friday at 7 a.m. I don't be there. But it's 20 fucking minutes. You know, it's nothing.

But still, I still got to be early but I'm enjoying it and I went to the laugh factory and Long Beach that's what my all-time favorite down there I've only done that room a few times I like it I like it I like the and they're scatting me but I got a handful of them to take the ride and then all of them take a ride so in the beginning it's a little

rough for me but after that they just take the ride you know I'm just having a hard time at the store and I get it I get it Doug the store has got a weird way to it especially that original room I don't want to do spots in the belly room I just want to master the

original room right now. That's it. I don't want to do the belly room. I don't want to do the main room. Yeah, if I haven't been in the OR in a while, if I've been out on the road or something, those first couple sets back, you go, uh, this is a whole different thing. This is a whole different thing. It's a whole different thing. And I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm just saying, telling you people what I need to do. Well, what is it? Because it's interesting because like most of the listeners aren't comics. So what, like, okay, so maybe like describe the OR to the,

Kansas City Improv. Like, what, how is it different? Okay, so let's say I'm an electrician. I don't even know I'm going to say this to right way without fucking this up. Or just not even the improv, just a generic comedy store lives in your head. Okay. Let's get that out of the way. Before you, as soon as you parked that car, the Comedy Store lives in your head.

It's very hard to describe that. People listen to me going with Joey, what the fuck. Am I your fucking being an asshole? No. I'm telling you this. This is, it's the grand. It's the highest point for you. It's the highest point.

That is the mountain. If Moses was here, you'd go to the comedy store. Anybody who did those type of accomplishments, you have to go through the comedy store. That always lingers in your head. It's the UFC. It's the main event. This is what it all comes down to.

This is when you start in your little coffee shop in Indiana, the back of your mind is that fucking comedy store. All the laugh factory, all the improv, whatever it may be to you. Yeah. It was the comedy store. To you was the comedy store. It was the comedy store.

It's the second night I got on stage. People come up and me and go, has Mincey Shaw seen you yet? Your characters. That's what she likes. So for me, it was always the comedy store. So as soon as I walk in the comedy store, that little edge of fear gets a little higher for me.

I'm not going to lie to anybody else. You want me to lie to you and tell you to know. You know, when I go on the road, it's pressure because they pay. to see me and I want to deliver something. I want to be their friend. I want to talk to the mapboard. It's a complete package

at the comedy store. I don't have that. I'm striving for comedy. You know, I'm getting followed by Al Magical. I'm going up after Bill Burr, Mark Marrett. I'm going up in the fucking... Murder is Roe. This is Murder is Roe.

You know, so it lingers in your back. The way the room is shaped, the sound of the room, you know. Now fucking Jeff is laughing at your jokes. I don't know. What the one that that fucking start? The piano got Jeff Scott. It's just something.

You're at the highest point. You're at your highest point. And that has to fuck with you a little bit. It always fucked with me because I never thought I would be there. I'm at the comedy store, guys. I read 20 books that mention the comedy store. Yeah. From the Eagles to, you know, when I met fucking Bert Reynolds,

the first thing you said to me was being at the fucking comedy store. Wow. In his heyday, you know, look at those pictures. Yeah. Willie Nelson brought out his guitar and played it at the condo story. Look who played that. Look who went in there. That's not some fucking place.

That ground has history. So it's got to do something to you. I know it does something to me. Yeah. I was watching, I was watching Full Metal Jacket the other day. And there's that great speech he gives at the end of like the first half where he goes, you may die, but you'll always be a Marine and like your brothers and like you'll live forever as a Marine. Like it seems like, do you feel that way about the store a little bit?

Like everyone got said about Robin Williams dying or, like, if you met somebody and they've been to the store, is it like kind of like that? I think if the store was in Michigan or in Ohio, you would have a better brotherhood. But it's in L.A., so there's really never going to be a brotherhood because there's money involved. And somebody's always going to get mad at somebody. I mean, when they died, Dice wasn't friends with Kennison. You know, this is all you hear. For a guy like me, I'm a fucking Marine.

Yeah. I don't give a fuck when anybody tells you, you know, when I walk into the improv, there's no pictures of me, there's nothing to me. And that's fine, because I never claim the improvs. I do business with them. I love them. I love working in those rooms. But the improv, the laugh factory, the comedy store, a state of mind. And that's what you always have to understand.

What's gotten me this far with the little that I have is the state of mind I've had, and it's the comedy store. It's 90%. because it trumps everything. It trumps everything. When you take your ten of queens out, I got an ace, and it's black bitch. I'm a fucking comedy store comic.

Joey, what does that mean? What does that mean? I got to follow Paul Moody. I got to follow Lenny Clark. I got to follow comics that I admired. I got to meet people that I would never meet before. This is a friendship that will go to the casket.

I know Steve Simone. I don't know much about Steve Simone, but I know when Steve Simone gets the call, that I'm done, he's going to suffer for a day or two. He's really going to go, wow, that's my brother. That's, yeah, it was a brotherhood. For me, it was always a brotherhood. Me too.

The Rogan thing took some wind out of my sales. So now I had to go up there and make it my own fucking brotherhood by showing these kids what a brotherhood is. What you live and die for. This is what you do. This is how you do this. When I read the Lenny Bruce book, I believed it. I believed it the way I read the Bible the first fucking time.

I believed it. I thought that we lived and died for each other. I thought at the end of the night when I looked at Lee and I go, Lee, what are you got in your pocket? $2, Joey. What do you got? $8?

I got 13. Let's go to Raps. Put it together. Let's got a couple steaks. I'll shoplift a fucking bottle of wine. Yeah. That's what brotherhood. That's what brothers do.

Until one of us make it. And then when you made it, you get the house, we live with you. That's what Rennazizi did with me. That's what Ari is doing with me. That's what you're doing with me. That's the pact.

That's the pack you make. That's an unwritten pact. That's the brotherhood. It's amazing. That's what I always thought it was. That's why when those people got together and said, we're going to boycott the store for Rogan. I liked it, but I didn't like it.

But it put a lot of people in the, it put a lot of people on the spot. Yeah. Pissed me the fuck off. But then I realized that the brotherhood wasn't really that true. It wasn't really that pure. So what am I going to do? Sit there and not be a part of it.

Let's make our own fucking brotherhood. Right. You can have the circle inside. the circle. And let's show these people what it is to be a brother. When you're fucking down, I'm down. The night Robin Williams died, I could have gone to the store and hung my head and I didn't want to be a part of that because

there's a lot of people who went down that don't come down there a lot. Now they went down there to be you know, in this town, at those things, at those memorials. They want to be seen. It's about being seen. It's about who says the funniest joke at the fucking memorial. I don't want to be a part of that shit. That's not what it's about. Yeah, somebody asked me

that night. They go, oh, access entertainment or whatever. And I looked at the I go, no, that's not why I'm here. It's not about that. If the comedy store was in Indiana, oh, my God. The comics that would be coming out of there at the pace that they would be coming out of there would be killers. But the problem is here, it gives you that sense of, I don't know, of selling out. Everybody's Sammy the Bogravano.

Everybody's got that jink in that fucking armor. If it was between you and them for a role, they would tell you to fuck off. Yeah, that's not cool. You know, and that's the thing I didn't like. I know that me being a regular at the store has helped me in meetings. It's helped me in auditions. It's helped me in so many aspects. How, Joey, how do you get 10% off when I go to an audition and I see people there?

We got to welcome here. All right. Here's my boy, Mikey Roebuck and shit. Mikey Ro Ro, Ro. Joe. What's up? What's up, you bad motherfucker fucking. In the room is Lee Syatt, the Flying Jew.

Hey, buddy. And my brother from Philadelphia, Steve Simone. Hi. Mike Roebuck is one of the guys that called earlier on the podcast to tell stories of us snorting cocaine and Aspen. He would drive me to the airport with 22 guns and pick me up that night with nine ounces of blow and an envelope. And we go up to the house and throw cut on it and snort it. Well, now, Mikey Roebuck wrote a book. Wow.

So, and I've always, Mike's always been a great writer, and we've always kept in touch. What's happening, Cocksucker? You know what's happening, the church of what's happening now, huh? Where you've been, Doug? You don't call, you don't write, you come here for writers, things. Well, you know, I'm just an old white guy now, Joe. I stay home at night. How many kids you got? Two.

Two. When was the last time he did a good line of fucking blow? That blew that fucking wig back. Oh, man. I bet it's been like 10 or 12 years, and it was very, really ugly because my nieces were in the house with me and I had to keep going off somewhere and hiding. It's not like the old days. Did your wife know? No, not at all.

Well, you know, you know how it is. You think they don't know. You think nobody knows, right? You could never do that shit again to that. You know, not for that many days in a row. say that. It's, I,

the other day I was driving somewhere and I was thinking about, I drove past one of those clubs on Hollywood Boulevard. I see a bunch

of people in the front. I was on a light and I was like, I wonder what it would be like to do a fucking line now. Like, what would happen to me? Like,

I don't think I can handle it physically, mentally. I couldn't handle it. No, at no level, you know? I'm really happy.

I think definitely physically would be hard, man, just as hard as we pushed ourselves without any sleep. And, You know, you start down, you start with that, and I always needed something else to go with it. It's not like I could just do one thing.

So by at the end, you're just like a wrecking ball of four or five different things, you know, headed down Hyman Avenue Mall looking to see who's up at 4 a.m. It was, how old were you when we were doing all that stuff? I was in my early 20s. Right. So I've been around a little bit of this before we all ended up in Aspen, but nothing. obviously like what we saw there. You know, it was crazy.

I busts Lee's balls like, Lee, what did you sleep last night? I only slept four hours. Fuck you, Lee. When I was 26, we wouldn't fucking sleep. Were you ready for another piece, though? Oh, Jesus.

Okay. You're a fucking, you're a death machine. You're like, over here. That almost like a motherfucker. Oh, that's so much. Oh, man. I told you that thing was 10 milligrams. Nothing's going to happen to you.

You're a soldier at death. Steve Simone's here. Solter at death. You're in it now Keep going, huh? But it was funny how We never fucking slept, man How do you live like that?

I don't know Because now, you can spot those people I mean, you see those people And it's the night of the living dead And you think to yourself, Wow, was I like that back then? And you had to be. But on the other hand, we all still had jobs.

We still had to, you know, make money, pay rent, sometimes, you know? Remember he's to send my girlfriend down to open a video store. I would tell all night. long when it was snowed. I'm going to open up. Don't worry about it. I open up and 8.30. Get up. You got to go down that. Fuck. I just went to sleep. I got my first video, or my first boom box from that video store. I was in there. I'm like, wow, this is really nice. Oh, man, I can't afford it. You're looking at me and you're like, really? Here, take it. I'm like, are you sure? Yeah, here, take it. What about your boss? I don't care about my boss. Just take it and get out of here. He was never there. It was a drug from a fan.

He had two video stores, this guy. The one in Aspen was his fucking, it was like the comedy store La Jolla and the comedy store Hollywood. The comedy store La Jolla made so much money. Flooded the other hand. Floated the other one. They were really in weed. They would send weed from Mexico all over the country,

but their business was fucking videos. And he would come in. And as long as the shit added up, he didn't give a fuck what I did. I would take 500 off the top every fucking night. Deliveries and this. I'd buy lunch out of there. It was amazing.

I used to take the money on the register and use it to buy blow. Sell the Coke and then put the money back in the register the next day. He didn't even care if he played a Scarface at full volume. He had no. Yeah. I used to put Scarface on and full volume

in this fucking wall with kids walking by. I just didn't give him a fuck. It's like Sunday afternoon it asked for, that's what all the families get in and you hear down the hallways. You fucking fuck. It was such a sad state of mind, my state of mind.

Like we just, I had no, I mean, we lived in a house that we didn't pay rent in. The guy who owned it lived in, I always think of that. Like, what the fuck? Who gives you a million dollar house to stay at and comes there once a year and tells you not to drive his truck? I'm fucking putting dent in the fucking car. How many dents of that truck had in it? I was putting dents in that fucking thing. Then when he came to town, I tried to break in it and put the miles back.

Oh, my thing blew up. Oh, yeah, it was fucking disgusting. I had no I couldn't have a dog I had a dog It was like Hercules Hercules

That was his name Beautiful little fucking Hercules God bless us So He was one of my best friends That's when you ate his tranquilizers Yeah We're living at this

Joe's at this place And I'm actually staying over there Because I got kicked out of my house With my brother So Joe's like here I got a whole house And it starts off Oh we can only

stay in the guest house. We can't go over into the other house. And after a while, he gets a dog. All this other stuff's going on. We're worried about people being on the roof at night. We're looking at the windows. We come over there. His dog, Hercules, he's one of the dog that chase his tail in a circle. And he had these long nails and the Linoleum floor, tile floor. It'd be like, clack, quack, quack. Herculee. Stop. So we got these tranquilizers. We went over there one afternoon, and Joe's, like, face down on his couch. And we're like, oh, man, he must really be tired. I usually see him sleep in the afternoon. Joe, get up.

Joe, like shaking him. We saw, like, one finger moved. We're like, what do we do? Should we call the cops? Edmeloid's what happened? He looks like he's really out of it. I don't know. Let's get out of here.

We came back the next day. He's like, oh, man, I ain't one of my dogs tranquilizers. I don't even remember what happened yesterday. He was a German Shep, and he had grown really fast. He was 74 pounds and six months. Wow. So his paw grew out of his bone. So to slow the pace of his growth, they gave him these minerals,

plus they gave him doggy downs to, he wouldn't chase his fucking tail on the day. You'd get a line of coke, but he would start chasing his fucking tail. And I'd lose my mind. Like, Hercules, I'm going to fucking kill you. Like, I'm going to fucking kill you. It's like to stop chasing your fucking tail. I love that dog with all my heart. I mean, that poor dog ended up my head.

He was a great dog. It's a great fucking dog, Hercules. He died. They came and took them, told me that they were going to take him and feed them, and they never gave them back to me. And I came back from Colorado. Somebody in Athens? Yeah, my ex-wife.

And she never gave me the time. Oh, really? Years later. Oh, man. I went to visit me. She goes, I forgot to tell you her. Hercules passed. What the fuck, you know?

But it was just a different, you know, one of the worst nights of my life I had in that place. You know, I'm trying to write a book about addictions. And how I started was I just wrote out stories. Mike Robo. And I wrote this, I don't know if you were there, I don't know where you were. This was towards

October of 86. And I was just on a tear. Like, I had not taken the day off. Like, I snorted Coke every fucking day. Every day. Every night we came home. But when we were going to do a gram?

And it would be till 8 in the fucking morning. And it was just terrible. And I gave, I went to New York and I got this Coke that was something that Superman would snort. Not only was it good. Not only was it really good, but it was strong. It was good.

It tasted good. It looked good. It was strong. And I took two ounces. And I gave an ounce. I gave him both to an electrician, friend of mine, an Aspen, who turned out to be a cop. He was undercover cop. Wow.

He was a crime. He just gave him two ounces? He wasn't undercover cop. He was a witness relocated guy from Minneapolis. I found out years later when I got arrested. So I gave him two ounces because he was away from me. He lived in Aspen, and I lived in snowmast. I could never tap into this.

I was saving it for my girlfriend's brother's wedding. Around a Friday night, I was supposed to leave. Saturday morning, she left on Wednesday to go to Boulder. I was leaving Saturday morning to fly in Saturday afternoon. I was coming back Monday with her. And I gave the kid the Coke. This is just horrendous. horrible story.

Two ounces of coke. This is 56 grams of cocaine, ladies and gentlemen. This is not an eight-ball. This is at my high point. How many grams in an eight-ball? Three and a half.

Three and a half. So there's eight-eight-balls and an ounce. I had 50 fucking six grams. At one o'clock in the afternoon on Friday, I went up there, I picked up the 56 grams. I went up to the Stonebridge, the Stonehead, where I had the office

in the scale and the safe. And I sold an ounce right off the bat. I cut it, and I think I threw 10 on it, and took 10 out. And I sold it, and I made $800 or something over the fucking cost. So I was going to this wedding with two grand, and an ounce of Coke, uncut, and 10 grams uncum. Oh, man. This is enough for a fucking kangaroo to die.

And I'm telling you this is brothers. Yeah. So I started doing little lines at like one in the afternoon of the Coke. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Oh, my God, by about 2 o'clock, I am flying. I run to the liquor store in the snowmast and I buy everything. A case of beer, a bottle of tequila, a bottle of jack, two six packs of Coke.

You know, I didn't smoke cigarettes then. Rolling papers, I had a bung. And I went back to this little apartment. I had the little apartment over the garage, and I had the house. At that time, they were watching me. At that time, they were watching me. They were already cops The cops were watching me

I had sold Coke To a guy that had been His him and his wife were doing something And they got caught in Aspen She was the accountant for the city of Aspen And she got caught stealing checks So part of her deal was to get back All the people that she stole the money for

To give Coke to She was supposed to set them all up So she was just calling people Trying to set fucking people up From all fucking directions So I went back to my little apartment and I started doing coke with Hercules. Not with Hercules.

Hercules was there. And the phone's ringing. And I'm not asking. Remember, I'm supposed to be selling some of this shit. And the phone's ringing. And by that point, it's 6, 7 o'clock, and I'm too paranoid to answer the phone. I don't want nobody in there. I take the car and I put it in the garage and I turn all the lights out and I go upstairs to the office where I could snort and nobody would see me. And guys, I stayed up there

until probably 7 in the morning without coming out, Without pissing, just drinking and peeing in bottles. On Sunday? This is Saturday morning. I had been up all night. Oh, okay. Sunday morning, I'm about to catch the plane. I go, I can't leave.

I couldn't even take the car to fucking leave. I just stayed in that fucking house snorting and drinking. I tell you what I was jerking off to. This is how pathetic I was. The woman in red? With Gene Wilder? Gene Wilder. There's one scene where she gets out of the bed and you see her pussy for a split.

second I would lock the DV the VCR on that and take my little soft dick and just working I kept snorting snorting snorting all day six in the morning two in the afternoon three in the afternoon the phone's ringing this poor girl is waiting for me in Boulder I'm not showing up to Denver Boulder I'm not going at any fucking airport I kept snorting and snorting and it was three in the fucking morning now I'm in the little apartment because I ran out of booze I'm in the little apartment drinking water with This dog, this dog has not gone out to pee. Since Friday or one in the afternoon,

this dog has not gone out to pee or shit. And any time he goes to bark, I tell him, shut up, and I give him food. And he was like, by the door, dying to pee, and I'm like, pee in the corner, bitch, you're not going up. And that night at about 4 in the morning, I started seeing shadows. I still had some coke left,

and I started seeing shadows on the wall. So I picked up the phone, I down 911, the cops came into my house. And they go, what's the problem? They're trying to break into my house. I'm walking through my house with police, with forest lands, going through that big house, and you could see footsteps. They broke into the back door by the jacuzzi.

Oh, they actually did break in? They did break in, and they had gone through the house. It was a cop putting wires it, like going through the house, and they were watching me from the top. Dog, I found this all out years later, but they went. You know what? I have to say, though, back then, I thought you were making it all up. No, no.

Because you would be like, did you hear that? There's somebody on the roof. Let's go look. We'd go run outside. We'd look around the house. We'd come back in. We'd start doing it all again. A little while later, it's like, there it was.

Did you hear it again? I was like, no. It was, I thought at the time, I thought it was all just like in your head. And then you did tell me years later that it was actually true. And I'm like, well, I guess it's kind of good. It was a fucking twilight zone. While I was out, it was a fucking, guys, it was one of the worst times in my life. And I remember that I called the cop.

He left the four. And I called the four. them back at 5.30. It was still dark. And they came back and they had a talk and they came up and they go, when was the last time you did a line of Coke? The cops said that to you? Yeah, and I go a few hours ago. And I go a few hours ago.

And I think it's time for you to put it away and go to bed. And then that Monday morning, I slept all day. I did it until Sunday morning. I finally fell asleep Sunday afternoon. And Monday morning when I woke up, I let Hercules out. There was two business cards from the sheriff. And I got my car and I went down. And I called him.

And they go, can you come down? I went down. They're like, listen, man, you know, if this becomes a problem, we're going to put you in a rehab ourselves. They were like, what the fuck was that the other night? You call the police your eyes. You had shit on your nose, you know. Wow.

That was it. Do you do the entire ounce and 10 grams? Everything, by myself. I didn't even give a line to anybody else. There was no broads. There was nothing. Nothing. Is that the most of you ever done?

I don't know. It's up there. But that was like a story. ring like a month before that we dumped two ounces of coke because we thought we saw dogs outside and there was a fire hydrant you dumped it in the toilet

toilet with Carl Hall you know that dude's all fucked up now that poor guy but I don't I never knew look at this fucking guy I mean and he was part of it he was in that bedroom with me weighing shit up me making him do it test this try this

and look he's writing fucking books now fucking books now thank God That was pretty funny It's like, now Mike, now A or B A or B, which do you like better? You got to decide right now. Which do you like better?

I think I like K. Okay, now try C. Which do you like better? A, B, or C? Like, I don't know, I don't know. You got to try them all now. Different amounts of, like, aspirin in it? Yeah, different amount of cut.

All right, now it's all. Wow. So each batch would have different, so we just keep fucking doing it. Wow. I remember I had a bong. I had a rubber bomb that Kathy gave. for Christmas. We would smoke the bazookas. Remember we put it in the microwave up?

It was like free basin. And we'd smoke the bazook and joints. That's what it was meant to do. You were supposed to roll it and then take it out of the sock and it got hard and you rolled it up in a joint and smoked it or a cigarette. Not us. Once we fucking ran out of wood, then I was planting weed. I was trying to

grow weed. And one night I ran out of weed. So I took the weed out of the cup, ripped that green leaf out, and put the Coke rocks on that and tried to smoke the homegrown. And with that, work. I took the fucking crack, put it in the bung and started hitting it with a lighter. I smoked it so much, the fucking bung melted. The towel

it was like towel number four, how it crumbled. That's how it went down. Like tower number or whatever. Just crumbled down my trouble. My drug use in Aspen was a fucking embarrassment. Like just an embarrassment that

I have to write about in this book. There were 10 stories like that. There were stories where I would leave the house at 8 in the morning. Just walk around with an eight ball in my pocket. Walking around high altitude, looking for a victim, which you'd find when they're driving. Yeah?

You'd find the chick driving at 8 in the morning looking for blow. Wow. That was one of those places. Like, do you just see them? Because I've never walked around, and a girl said, do you have blow on you? You just make eye contact, and they'll come up to you,

and you know they're twitching, and what are you doing? You want to party? Nobody wants to get a fucking vodka on the rocks at 6th the morning when they wake up. Yeah. Nobody. Nobody's going to wake up and go, huh, fuck oatmeal.

I'm going to go get a vodka tonic and shit. No, people that call you... But the thing about that, though, is you can go anywhere. Like back then, you can go anywhere, and you can say, I'm going to move, I'm going to start over, I'm going to get away from it. You can go anywhere, and you'll always find that person at 6 o'clock in the morning, and when you look at them,

you'll both know. It's amazing. I'm very happy. You know, I go to a doctor, that heart doctor, twice a year. His name is Dr. Soleimani, and I always ask him, when he does a heart thing. I go,

how does my heart look? Do you see the cocaine on there? He goes, no, I see the sleep happy on there. Wow. I don't understand it. That's pretty amazing. Your heart only has as many beats. When God gives you a heart,

he puts a clocker and says, you got 11 million beats. How do you get to it? It's up to you. You want to run fucking sprints? It's up to you. You want to do blow? It's up to you.

You want to sit at home and be a fat fuck. You got 11 million beats. You might live to your night You just sit on the couch with your feet up. You don't know. You don't know. How you get to that amount of heartbeats is up to you. So I'm very lucky when I think of those times.

That's why I really want to put this book down. That's why I'm happy you told me you wrote a book about fucking knives. I'm like, it's happy because now, now, how did you come up with a book about knives? Well, like the knives? It's just something I've been interested in for a long time. But really, it was just kind of being around other people and a guy that I need. He got asked to do it. He's like, I don't have time to do this.

Do you want to do it? I'm like, sure, I'll do it. Can you help me? He's like, oh, yeah, I'll help you, whatever you need. And this guy knows way more than I do about it. What's the name of the book? Go ahead. What's the name?

I'm sorry, so the listeners can hear. What's the name of the book? It's called Gun Collectors' Guide to Collectible Knives. So by collectible knives, it means knives that are no longer made. So in some respects, they could be, it could be, you know, a K-bar knife from World War II. It could be a pocket knife like your gun. grandfather carried. It's not so much the new knives that have the clips on them, have the one-handed openers like spider codes or benchmaids. You know, there's all kinds of

different knives. And the history of knives is kind of a microcosm of the United States, of, you know, steel mills and, you know, manufacturing processes and things like that. So it's how to, if you wanted to collect that type of knife, some of it is, here's what you need to look at. Here's what you should try to find out before you spend a lot of money on it. And other parts of it are, you know, histories of culinary centers like in Germany or in England that were known where a lot of this stuff first started. What do you think happened to? Because I, when I was in high school, my best friend in

high school and I, there was a knife store at the mall. And we would go every week and I never really, I bought a couple of them. My buddy had a ton. And I don't really see them anymore. What's happened to like the knife? Because they used to be everywhere. I always remember knife stores. Well, it's kind of like the gun was, you know. A knife is a tool, but a knife is also a weapon. It's the same thing as what's happened with guns. Used to be, you'd see like the places you were talking about. You'd see them and all the malls. People were into it. I mean, you know, kids would go buy, you know, a sword from Ireland or whatever and take it home and play with it in their yard. But then there's this backlash. It's this whole politically correct thing of now,

you know, like if you go somewhere and if you pull out a pocket knife and cut something people are like, oh, you carry a knife there's a stigma involved to it. That's crazy. So that, I mean, for people, it's on Amazon now on paperback and on the Kindle, so check it out.

How long have you been collecting knives? I know you always had a knife when we were growing up. You've always had a knife. Like a pocket knife. But really, for me, I mean, I grew up around them. They were tools. They were useful. I didn't really get into this until, you know, after I moved to Denver, actually from Aspen to Boulder to Denver, then I was watching a cable

show one night, and this guy comes on. And, you know, it's like anything else. There's good and there's bad to it. But you've got to kind of find out what you like. You know, just going back to the history, there were specific designs for specific purposes. You know, there's knives that were designed with spayblades to cut the ball off of steer off cattle, spayblades, trappers, trapping knives used for trapping jack knives even if you look now though look at spider code knives the guy that started that company he was a jew from health kitchen now that spider code is not a traditional knife but some of the early ones people are collecting now but this guy makes knives for pretty much any function you can think of he meets with special forces people he meets with

EMTs he lives right outside they have denver and golden he's got his own plant there so it's uh But like I said, just in general, there is a big backlash against it because people don't look at them as tools. People look at them as a weapon as a threat because they don't know how to use them correctly. How many knives do you have? I don't know. Maybe 150, maybe 200. And do you have them to save? Do you have them in the frame?

No, I don't really. A lot of them are in this book. I mean, I keep them in. There's these roll-ups that I keep them in, like leather roll-ups that you could not put them in. expensive ones. I keep in pouches, padded pouches. The other thing now is there's a big movement for custom knife makers, either making these old-style knives or newer type of knives. So there's this whole subculture of, you know, there are people out there that want the best of whatever it is. You know, maybe they only go hunting once or twice a year, but they'll seek out, you know,

a certain company like a Randall knife in Florida, and they'll take that hunting with them. if you look at what we have now to make knives compared to, you know, before World War II, the skills that we have now, the alloys that you can put in there, the manufacturing processes, how they make them. Yeah, there's a lot of cheap Chinese knives and stuff like that that come into this country, but there are also some, like, you know, a Chris Reed knife. It's just, it's like four meets function. They're really nice. You know, I really, not everybody's into it.

And, you know, for my wife, it's kind of like, really, this is what it's been your time doing. It's like, you know. what's the oldest knife you have i have one it's by connecticut colliery company and it's from the 1860 so maybe around the civil war but you know if somebody tells you they have a knife from the civil war then you got to take a step back and say well you know that's probably a selling point that knife that i have from that that from that time period it's called a stabber jack so that one was used to actually Staddle, motherfucker.

Now what's... Is it stainless steel metal? Is it still? Well, no, back then they were all, a lot of them were carbon steel. Carbon steel, like if you see, you know, old kitchen knives that turned like black or a grayish color, they're carbon. Stainless steel, no stain. Didn't start up really until, I don't know,

maybe the 30s or 40s in Germany. People over here didn't like it, didn't trust it at first. But, you know, you just go through history. I mean, everybody talks about, you know, Bowie knives, you know, like the Alamo, or the knives that when San Francisco, the town first started, a lot of those guys walked around with knives that would go for $10,000 or $15,000 now made with natural, you know, ivory with Ussic, which is actually woolwisk. Wow. For the handles. And those things, you know, they were high in. They were the best you could get back in.

and they kept him on their sides for protection and also to use. You know, it's funny how you see knives in the areas where you're from Boston. You know, Puerto Ricans, a couple white dudes have like pocket knives and like the camping knives or the 22 fucking utensils. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the Army knife. You're from Philly, you know, whatever. But when you go to places like Colorado and stuff, you know,

like my friend in Aspen collected knives in Basalt. He had those Rambo knives. You know, but he had like bayonets and underwater shit, and he would tell me how he had to wait online. And this is way before fucking the Internet. This is when you had to go to knife shows. Exactly. Gun shows and shit.

Do you go to knife shows and all that stuff? Well, you know, really the best way to learn about something is to actually pick it up and look at it and see what it's all about. You know, somebody I can look at like a lot of pictures on eBay. If they're bad pictures, I really can't tell anything. So when I actually went in Denver when I first started going, a lot of these little knife shows were in with the gun shows. And I swear to God, I was at a Ramada in at out by DIA. I walk in, everybody in there's wearing camel except me.

I walk in with these two other guys, and one of them looks at him and says, oh, man, I love the smell of militia in the morning. There's like two little knife stands over in the corner. That's right where I went. So, you know, it's kind of like anything else. There's always this fringe element to it. But, you know, you can buy them online. There's online actions going on right now for them. outside of the day, but really the best thing to do is to be able to look at something in person and know what's wrong with it before you decide to pay a lot of money for it.

You know, it's amazing how you said that guy like you had knives because it was a part of work. You know, when you go on a thing, you skin the deer, when you go fishing, you cut the line, you know, it's in your area. You know, I didn't do that growing up in Jersey, so I would never, I have a knife as to stattle, motherfucker. There's only your own purpose or to break a window to take your eye out. there was never you know I always was intrigued by knives but I've always had a respect

from them I can't get cut and the worst of your lives get cut with your own fucking knife there's a guy on Sundays that teaches knife training and he teaches us to SWAT black dude really good guy

I know his brother I know his whole family and I went down to the classes one time and when you're cutting shit you would cut yourself you know that's how I knew OJ killed his fucking wife if you use a knife

you're going to cut yourself Even the experienced guys cut themselves. Wow. Guys with no knives, they have to have the handle to catch their hand at the end. It's not like there isn't a movie when they start Tommy in the fucking trunk of the car. You know, when you stab a motherfucker in real life, the knife moves. It's crazy. Can you imagine stabbing somebody?

No. I would love to. My point being that, it's just that's the only reason why. But I like, I've picked up knives, like the design of them. You know, you want to pick up an old knife. When you pick up an old knife, it does something to you. Like, I picked up a knife and went from the Korean War. And when I was holding it, it was like, what was the guy that had this?

Somebody had this in training camp, whatever. Somebody had this in boot camp. They gave this to somebody in boot camp. He took it all the way to Korean War. Yeah, it's a piece of history. It's a piece of history, you know? So I get it. When you told me, Mike, I loved the fucking idea.

If not, you wouldn't be on the fucking show calling. I love that you didn't. I'm very proud of you, man. Well, and part of it, though, is, you know, Since the knives that I mainly collect, since they were tools, there's not a lot of them out there that are in good shape, because people used them until they broke them or until they wore the knives down from sharpened them until there was almost nothing left on them.

So if you find a Remington bullet trapper that's in pristine mint condition, it's going to be worth a couple thousand dollars because almost all of those that were made got used back in the Depression. Now, is it kind of like an old car where, like, let's say there was a, a knife like you had from the Civil War. If they sharpened it before they sold it, is that bad? Do you want it, like, just use from back then? Or, like, what's the deal on that? Well, if you can find, well, first off, anything from the Civil War,

you just got to be leery of, because that's, you know, that's a line that everybody's going to have. And if they tell you it's a Confederate knife, that's even worse, because they hardly made any of their own knives. But what you're talking about, you know, it's got, like, honest use on it. That's one thing. It's still worth a lot.

It's a relic. It came from a battlefield. What happens, though, is people find old knives, and they take it to a buffing wheel, and they shine up all the old. They get all the old off there, the carbon that was on there on the blade, or they try to make the handle material look new. Then, to me, you pretty much ruined it because you've taken all of that, I guess, build up or that patina that was on that knife.

If you watch the antique road show, they tell you the same thing. You know, you don't want to screw with some things. Some things you just want to leave them as they are. But that may, if you can find an actual mint one that hasn't been used, and even mint is going to have, it's metal. You know, it happens to metal. It rust. It gets spots on it. Even if you have an absolute mint one that's setting somebody's sock drawer from 1920, there's going to be something on it.

You ever got a knife with blood on it? In the handle? Because a lot of people don't see the blood. It's in the handle deep. They wipe the knife this way, but they never go around the handle. That's how you see those old knives. It's brown. It's brown.

Yeah, it gets down into the grooves and stuff like that. The whole thing with military knives, I mean, there's a big, long tradition of military knives. Like he talked about, that people took to wars with them, and, you know, that a dad took to World War II, that his son took to Vietnam. I mean, some of those things, you know, they're not real pretty, but they were very functional. And when you stab, motherfucker, you don't clean the blood off of water. You're wiping their uniform. You leave the blood on that.

It's like when you fry stuff up in the prime. pan. Only amateurs watch that frying pan. Professionals just have that thing in water wipe it off, and they use that for the egg. You know what I'm saying? Once you fry a fucking bacon, they'll eat some flavor in that motherfucker. For the next part, you might be spreading the

hiv with that fucking mouth. They're already dead, but fuck it, I'm going to give you some Chinese hiv. Lee, what's up, brother? How's the animal tree? I'm getting pretty hot. See, who takes care of you like me? Did the brownie hit you? No, it was nothing. No, but, no. I told you. I just want you taste it to let me know your thoughts they want to talk to you okay uh hey mike joey always

talks about like he brings edibles when he flies how what is it like traveling with a knife like what do you have to do because i imagine you have to travel well you can't i mean about the best thing you can do is if you do checked luggage you can put it in your shaving kit and whenever i do that there's a note from tsa that they inspected my bag wow but they don't take the knife they don't no they haven't i haven't lost one that way yet so you can't you can't legally check it? You can't put it in your checked bag? You can put it in your check bag, guys. You can put a gun in your fucking check bag.

If you declare it. But you're not going to go there and fucking declare it, because you're part of the church of what's happening now. You're going to stick the fucking sock in a shoe with a sock in it and another sock and you're going to keep your mouth shut. And then when you get to the... If they find it, I'm lees sciatic. I got no medical things. I'm no fucking terrorist. Check on my background.

Why would you... You know, the best thing to do, if you're going to travel is wrap the knife up in your dirtiest oldest underwear. And I sort of got a will be there when you get there. Well, the fucking shit's staying on it. They don't pay nobody enough money to go to underwear with shit on it. It doesn't matter what kind of gloves they're wearing, you're through.

You don't say nothing about nothing. For years, they come selling me when you travel with guns. All those years, I traveled with the guns with you. You used to fucking drive me to the airport. They used to say, oh, no, it's... You can pay 25 bucks and put them in a case. I got nine guns. Wow.

And check bag? Yeah, check baggage. I'm not going to fucking put them in a case. I just fly them. They're not going to check everything. You know, people think that they check and they go through your shit. They look and they move a couple things to make sure you don't have Gaddafi's head in there or a fucking chicken. Somebody's head.

You know what I'm saying? But they're not going to go. And if they find a knife, really, it's on my check bag. What we're going to do? Stop the flight in the middle of the fucking flight and go downstairs, look for my bag, get the knife and stab everybody. What is this? What's that movie with fucking Steven's a guy where they kill him on the plane? I have no idea.

Come on with Kurt Ruff. What the fuck? I'm in a movie with... Oh, God, what is that? Yeah. With John Leguizamo and fucking Kurt Russell with a tuxedo on. Nobody remembers what the fucking talking about it. Executive decision. Thank God I'm there. Thank God I smoke re-front. I eat fucking edibles

and I do what I do, you know what I do. You know what I'm saying? Mike Rob Buck, always a fucking pleasure, man. Always a pleasure to know that you're still on this earth. We're still in this fucking earth together. Well, I'll get back to you guys. After all, the laugh. Thanks for having me. How much were you still laugh, even in Boulder years later,

when you work for that. and they gave you an expense account. This motherfucker called me one time when I was as broke as can be. He goes, you want to go eat? Where did you work for? You worked for a big company, and they had restaurants all over Boulder,

and you had a charge account. Oh, was that old Chicago? I think that was old Chicago. And this motherfucker called me when I was flat broke one night. He goes, what are you doing? I got to eat. Just tell me, I got an expense account.

Bitch! Shit, I was down there trying to get a 20 out of the register. He's got 60 coming from here. you go, Joe, before you go. So, you know, I hadn't seen Joe for years. Had not, didn't, I was like everybody else. I don't know where this guy went. Had people asking me where he was.

So I didn't see you from 87. Years later. Until what? I'm working in Boulder, and I hear Joe's voice. And I knew it was him. And we started hanging out. And I'm doing landscaping. And we're out there landscaping this probation officer's house.

And I don't even know how Joe's name came up. But somehow Joe's name came up. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. I know that guy. He's one of my guys. He's like, we know he's down in like a gallon of vinegar before every piss test,

but we're like, hey, if he wants to do that, more power to him. I was fucking people up with that vinegar drink. And I was still coming up hot. A gallon of fucking milk of still vinegar with cranberry juice. And gallons of water on top of that fucking,

I would put sprinkle sugar on my dick and fucking pool clean. I did everything to beat those U.A's. I could never be. be the fucking U.A. Mike Robuck, I love you. What's the name of the book

again, brother? Gun Collector's Guide to Traditional Collectible Knives. Okay, and it's on Amazon and what else? It's on Amazon and what else?

It's on Barnes & Noble. It's probably headed to a bathroom stall near you at the airport. I want the church people at least fucking looking up. Mike Robbuck.

What's the name of the book? Cock sucker. Gun Traders Guide to Collectible Knives. Gun Traders Guide to Collectible Knives. Guide to Collectible knives. no fucking around. There's my brother

from 30 years Mr. Mike Robo. Thank you, brother. Thank you for the lesson. I'll give you a call over the weekend. You're a good man. That's a solid fucking soldier

right there, Lysayat. He did lines the way you did fucking animals. Wow. Jesus. A little Monday afternoon

evening for you. A little sudden to get the souls going you might want to drink some wine, smoke a joint, look at the person we love in time. I want to be around. Oh shit.

To pick up the pieces Another gooby belly No No thank you What are you got left of calories? Probably not Because I have those type of You can put me with those fucking

Twice as smart It's a great beautiful song It's a beautiful song For beautiful friends on a Monday evening You'll put the air on before I Fuckin' melt in here from the edible That's your Your head is almost as ready

is your show. That's what I thought of when you texted me on the way back and then I was like, oh shit, I'm going to be high. I didn't have a smoothie. I don't know why. That's what you said to me? What are you going to do? Really? Me and Paul are going to have a smoothie. I'm going to go to the fucking show.

I almost killed him, Steve. Let me get some shout-outs here. Some beautiful fucking people. My girl. What's her name? Laura? Laura from Canada. Frankie from Hoboken, Sean Wells. Mani Diaz, you bad

motherfucker, dating Chrissy's wedding, get it together, you only call $3,000. Kyle Schip, Michael Elfucking Niño. Pumpkey 4711. Pumpkey 4711, and Alex Castellan Lazo. I love you, congluckers. The church of what's happening now.

This fucking knee has been a pain in the ass. But I had to do it, Steve. I'll tell you what, this time I'm doing it different. Okay. Like, I didn't really, I'm up to 15 minutes on the bike. That's it. 20 tomorrow. Five minute increments every day. Okay.

Cardio and shit. But it's still fucking hurts. Not hurts a lot, but it's still uncomfortable. It's going to be a while. Are you still taking the pills? No. I didn't take the pills after I peed the bed. There was no sword.

No, what the fuck? Those pills weren't doing nothing. The weed were smoking. And the edibles were eating. It was a lot better than that pain shit. So that's just to show the country that that pain shit don't work. Not as good as the edible.

The other ones took me through. Yeah, I was nervous that. I'm actually kind of a little bit nervous right now. Because when I came in, you see, you don't take a day out from the gym, do you? And I was like, I honestly don't remember. There were a couple times this past month where I did it twice a day. Wow. And my knee, my left, the tendon behind my left knee is a little bit sore today.

It's the law diminishing returns. I agree with that. It's the law diminishing returns. You're, at the end of the week, you're killing yourself to live, because you're chasing the points in night, the ones that you're burden. So you're chasing those. So that's why it's killing yourself. self to live eight days a week.

You got to tighten that up because you're not getting nowhere. It's too much. Yeah. Over training. You're over training yourself. You're going to get hurt. So just cut it. Cut it to the month until Thursday.

Two days. Your muscles be rebuilt. It's, for anyone else losing one, I'm sure you go through the same thing. But I get addicted to seeing the number go down, especially since I'm working so hard this time. Like, I thought about it. I lost like 70 pounds in like a month when I did that juicing. And it's taken me like two months to lose 40.

Two old. But you'll keep it off. That's the difference. And it's a better journey, but it's the same journey. You're going to do this whether you do it in two years or a year to half. So slow it down. It's better for you. Two pounds a week, a pound and a half, one week you slip.

You lose three, you'll lose two, you'll lose one. You know, it's too much. It's the law of diminution returns. It's an easy thing. Yeah. We're looking at the fucking floor for you. I'm really high. I ain't got the fucking answers for you.

So what's the story I hear about a CD, Steve's a month, Oh, October 13th. Lee's done with the mix, I think. Yeah. Yeah, we're finishing up, man. It's going to be really cool. Actually, I thought about it. Not to give anything away, you have a bit and a story in there of how parents can make

their kids' day. Yeah, for sure. I went before this to the dollar store, and I immediately got brought back to when I was like seven and my uncle gave me like 20 bucks in the dollar store. It's the greatest thing there is. It's because the kids are going to lose the toys anyways. Right. And I remember.

20 bucks at the dollar store? Are you serious? All the candy they have. It's like when in the lottery when you're seven years old. Yeah. Like I went and bought Renazisi's. I always get the kids' toys. I got mercy toys. Like whenever I'm going to, I never show up empty-handed because my theory's little kids are gangsters. Because you can't show up and they're like, you're going to disrespect me. You're going to come into my house and not give me a taste of your success. But the kids love the dollar store stuff even more than they love the expensive toys. You know, making somebody's day. is what it's all about.

Absolutely. A fucking kid, they go nuts. They go nuts. They really do. Especially a kid who doesn't have much at home or something. Tell them, hey, take this or something. That's the greatest feeling. I love it.

I love all that shit. I really always loved that. I was kind of disappointed recently. I don't know if it's L.A. or if I just picked the wrong kids, but when I was younger, if an older dude said something I had was cool, my day was made for, like, three weeks. I wouldn't change my shoes. In the past couple weeks, I've seen kids with, like,

really cool backpacks, so they're going back. to school. I would say like, cool backpack. If they have the light-up sneakers, I always try to say, like, cool sneakers. And, like, just look at, like, I'm back east. They would say, like, they would like smile and, like, here, they looked at me like I was crazy. Sure, you're fucking crazy. You don't, you don't say that one. When you see a kid...

You're wearing a red shirt on it. You're going to tell me a nice backpack. I might think you might fucking take me back to the guy. That's what they're afraid of. And show me an air full of cars. And show me that little Jude dick. Sure, don't say nothing to those fucking. Kids, they'll call the cops. I have a... There's a home video my mom has of others probably like two.

and I was in the swimming pool waiting room. I got to see this video. I was like two years old in a swimming pool waiting room and these like middle school kids and I were playing and I thought I was like

I've always thought it was awesome when all the people thought out of school. I don't know. I mean I think I would think you probably do that. You're always so happy when anything when anyone gets anything. Yeah. If you if like a little kid got a new toy

like that's fucking really cool. It's the coolest thing ever but there's a right you got to do it in the right environment. Because society's gotten so sick. You can't just walk up to a little kidding. I like your shoes, though. But like, run, creep.

Police. 9-1-1. Stranger danger. So you're releasing this on iTunes? Yeah. No Amazon, just iTunes. I think it'll probably be on everything. Probably be on everything.

Yeah, and we're not sure which platform. So all of you actions, people, if you want to get it, we're going to have the link up probably in the next week or so. Is your first CD? First thing. Yeah, I'm so excited about it. I wanted to... Yeah, well, you know, like I was battling my own fears.

I'm trying to get the right set. When you... I'm opening up for other acts. It's tough. I didn't want to record the CD 20 minutes at a time. I wanted to make sure I could headline. I could bang out a couple shows in a row. Put together a good set list.

These are the jokes I want to share with the world. Because it's your first one. You want to go, this is the type of material. This is your appetite for destruction. Yes. This is your fucking Led Zeppler 1. This is your black side of the world. Black Sabbath. Yes. I didn't think

about it that way. I was so coked up. I just took the money and did 45 minutes. It was a fucking nightmare. So I appreciate where you're coming from. I know how hard it is to get a CD to work and the night to be perfect. But you know what? It's so weird. All the people I see

going up right now, you have a lot of little people in your corner. Yeah. You know, Dan from Bray always mentions you. You have a lot of little people that all you need is two or three people. Yeah. You know, like six dudes are looking out for you. I'm blessed. You're looking out for yourself So it makes life a lot of fucking better

When you're looking out for you know A lot of people come to this town They're like, well I got these guys looking out for me I don't have to look out for yourself No, you have to look out for yourself more than these guys Because that does see That you're looking out for yourself And they're like, what the fuck can we do?

But everybody always calls you with something Yeah But there's a lot of people in town They're looking for somebody else to hook them up And this is why they don't move forward Yeah, you got to work You know You see them

And it's amazing I see a lot of people at the comedy store that were there when I got there. And I don't know what the fuck they're doing. And I don't want to know, you know. It's like you do want to know, but you don't because they want to tell you into their world. That negativity. Yeah, it's kind of weird, but it's amazing how you work hard every day.

You know, you're always in San Diego. You always... Wherever there's a gig. Wherever there's a gig. Wherever there's a movie. We're recording a CD down there. With Z, Z, R.E. Go with somebody.

Always. And that's what it takes. And it's, you know, a lot of people. come here and they go, well, I'll do it for a year. A year it ain't going to happen. You got to do this year after year. You got to psych yourself up day after day. You know, people think it's easy for us. I get an email

like, what, how do you do? You got to psych yourself up every fucking day. You wake up. You got a mind fucking yeah. That's going to be a day. That's why I don't pay houses for a living. Because I want to hit the fucking lottery. You ever go to a fucking liquor store, you've got to get rolling papers. You have to get in the car. You're in a rush.

I got to wait there because some dude wants to put a fucking lottery. And I look at those dudes. I never a liquor store. Yeah. Thinking that this is going to change their life. They're getting a pound of vodka. Yeah. A bottle of fucking poop pop vodka.

Two packs of Marlboro red and three dollars on lottery tickets. And I look at these guys and I'm like, I never played the lottery. I never really, last week I finally one day went in there. It's next to Marie E.T. Oh yeah, right there. I always see people get a lottery ticket. But no matter where I fucking go.

If I go to 7-Eleven for water, one water. I got a guy in front to be playing the pick six, the 19 numbers, and I know the number, like I'll take the 27-3-43, you'd lose your fucking mind. I never had that. I always, I was looking for the lottery,

but I was betting on myself. Absolutely. Do you know what I'm saying? I couldn't believe for months. I kept running into that. People buying lottery tickets and finally went out of Terry getting coffee a morning. Hold on.

I'm going to go buy three lottery tickets and I won $2.00. Then she won. One, two tickets, and then we both lost. But the point being that, I didn't get it. I didn't, but if I had a budget to live with every week, and I only had like $30 over my paycheck. Yeah.

And I knew I was going to buy an eight pack of beer, a bag of $10 week for last me all week, and two lottery tickets. You know, I have a friend in Jersey that she buys two lottery tickets every Friday. Wow. And she finally hit the lottery last year for $30,000. Oh, my God. A ticket, some scratch ticket or something like that, $30,000.

I don't know what the... But she's been playing, so she's 18. She's fucking 50. Right. She's fucking 50, you know. But I mean, there's people who play it because it's going to change their life. Like, they're going to have a limoom and they're going to go to parties. It's amazing because I had that thought in my head when I was 19.

When you're a kid. When you're 19, you're like, fuck it. Maybe I'll go to L.A. become a bartender. Somebody will see me to put me in a movie next door. limo. I got bitches driving me and shit. Wouldn't that be a nice fucking That would be great. You're sitting there staring in the way. I'm so high. It sounds like it's

kind of like crash dieting. Because there are a lot of people who win the lottery, like go out like go and blow it in like two years. So if like you really put the work and earn the money you're going to be like I'm not going to fucking buy 18 houses. That show was scary. Like on

Discovery whatever. I like how the lottery ruined my life. I can't imagine. It's like when Billy Corbyn, that guess, has that movie, broke, he's the one who made broke, for 30 for 30? When freaking NFL players or NBA players who made $100 million are now broke? Yeah. What? How does

that happen? What's the guy that shot the limo driver by mistake? Oh, he was a net, right? He was a net. That motherfucker is still worth money. Because I talked to somebody in there, like, yeah, he has a construction company, never went under, and something else. Did that guy go to jail? He did it for a little bit, with a shotgun, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He went out. He, he, he went out. He, he He's out now, but yeah, I don't remember the name.

I don't know. I don't know. Let me give some shout out for the sponsor, but Steve, man, I want you to call, come back on the show, the week of the CD. I would love that. You know, I've seen you do this. I know it's a number one CD. I've seen you fucking do it. I've seen you do it over and over.

And it's amazing, the power you have in people. And when you talk to different circles, people always tell you, you know who's killing Steve Simone. Oh, that makes me feel good. So it's a great feeling to know you. Listen, man, when you're a comic, it can't be sunny every day. But those days that it's sunny, you really got to sit back. And that's a problem I got that. Got to enjoy it.

I take the sun in and I'm like, I don't want the fucking sun. The sun is shining, but I don't want it now. And you're a young guy. You've got the world by the balls. You know, you got the connoisse, doing sets. What's going on with Gabe? You thought for that fucking lunatic? I saw him two weeks ago for, we went to pro wrestling together.

He loves that pro. Oh, it's the greatest. It's like we're 11 years old when we hang out together. That movie starts production. The new one? Magic Mike XX-X-Ole. Wow, that's awesome. I'm going to call you for that cucks up.

Anyway, your red little shirt. Wait, wait. What's the name of the CD really quick? It's going to be, remember this from when you get sad. It's very similar to what you're talking about, that line from Splash. I just want people to remember the good times. That's it. That's why I'm putting it out.

It's amazing how years ago I would go to watch different comics when I moved that life but there was one comic in particular when people went to watch they leave that and you can see that had a different feeling on their face and that was Pablo Francisco he was so giggly and so goofy that I would look at people and go like I would open for him and it would be like I wouldn't get one laugh because Pablo people are Pablo people they're goofy they're bubbly they love to laugh and people get the same when they watch you wow it's like they get that same little bubbly feeling you bring him back to a jumping on the bed. What are the fuck you?

All that stuff. Two little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. I have to listen to that shit every day. That's awesome. No more monkeys jumping on the bed. Oh my God. Take it.

Take it. Take it. Take it. One little monkey jumping up. Da, de. Fuck, that. Coming to you. The church of what's happened now, until that is Monday.

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on it. And you got a stay-on-a-program. You get additional 10% off. Plus, you get the fucking mailing list. You get everything but the kitchen sink. I'm sorry about the coffee. I've got to eat some more. I gotta eat my wife's asshole something's not right here you know what I'm saying

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Joey's pretty fucking I. But he's been smoking some. I'm smoking the hit E-Sig cigar. This motherfucker is bad to the bone. It's crafter. It's got wood. It tastes delicious. I blow this shit in your fucking face at the track.

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They have flavored cigarettes. The world is in front of you. You don't have to fucking smoke and you can breathe. You're a soldier again. Go to his seat, hit these things. Do you break in my boss. Lee, what's going on? You're looking at me like somebody store your fucking cookies.

Oh, my God. You're out of tacos? You're going to eat that bag of cheese. No, I'm trying to do that for the night. Don't lie. Yeah, I'm going to be done for the night. No, I'm going to eat a fucking subway sandwich and shit. Where we go in time?

We go that? Sure. Where are you going to go? Where are the options? We got a couple options. We go to Ha-ha. Comedy store. We go to comedy store.

Hang with my man, Steve some more. That sounds fun. We'll finish the edible. We'll get some tacos from Hollywood. For $22, then you'll see how... How good it is to have a Mexican... I keep telling her she needs to open a taco truck. What she really needs to do is go back east and spend like two years in Boston.

And just kill it. Make $20 million because there's nothing. We joked around that she's going to cater the engagement party or something like that. Who is? Her mom? What engagement party? Nothing.

It's just like in the future. What are you having this engagement party? That hasn't happened yet. Are you really that much of a half a fag? Yes. You really are that much of a half a fag. You're gonna get it together, right? You're slipping lately.

You're slipping. What? But my... You've been having an engagement party and you gotta bring your money. We just had this discussion on Wednesday about this shit. There's no fucking engagement party. You marry that bitch a week before the fucking wedding.

you tell us. They're Mexicans. They're used to. They do it all the fucking time. It's nowhere near right now. Don't believe that. They get married a dime fucking... Those motherfuckers can set a wedding up

in three days with $20. I'm sure she could. Don't fall for the hype a year before. Nothing. You tell your mom, mom, you're coming out sadly. Don't wear... Just pack a fucking bag. There'll be a Virgin American ticket.

Don't even get me started because I'll fucking burn this cigar in the eye. We got work to do. that time for this shit. I'm not anywhere near that happening. You're fucking. Chinese food to Santa Monica. There's a good Asian fusion right on

Burbank Boulevard. I'd say it's the best one in the state. What's it called? Come down here. Don't like to Sanamanca. That's the fucking call. Like this fucking guy. He asses everybody. Yeah, Santa Monica. Yeah, I'm going on there.

What the buck. It was fun. It was fun. We took our pictures in a photo booth? I bet you did. Yeah, we had a good time. That's a fucking... Do you believe what I got to deal with him?

He's the best. You got a fucking smoothie. I didn't have a smoothie. That's why this week we're going deep all fucking week. I go deep every week. No, we're going deep straight to Friday then about this week. Well, if you listen to the Rulings' recent podcast, you'll know that I do go deep every week. All right.

I love you, cock suckers. We'll be back Wednesday. I'll be looking for the CD. Thank you. We've got to pint this shit. We're going to sell fucking millions fucking copies here. I'm agitated here tonight. You understand me?

Why? Because I'm agitated. You fucking piss me off. language and engagement parties I'm when he was in Boston one time I go what the fuck he did he goes I'm showing the woman I love I didn't

I'll fucking break your fucking head I did I said I'm showing one girl from Boston no no he goes this is what he said this is the girl I love I might even marry her I nine fucking days the woman I love

I would even take the fucking jersey yes you did the woman I love some shit he tried to hit me with one of those fucking 80s romantic comedy I don't get the fuck out of here. Get your ass on that fucking plain cussker. But I'm with the woman I love.

I'm coming to shower. I'll fucking beat you with this fucking cigar cucketzer. You're lucky I love you. You fuck. Who loves you more than me? Nobody. I don't know. I give you 10 milligram brownie.

A half a gummy bear, look at you. Yeah, and I stopped them from eating black ham. He ordered black forest ham. I did. That fucking Subway sandwich. I thought he was getting a six inch. He got the fucking foot long. Well, you got me super high.

That don't mean nothing. I threw the other half away. Thank God, because I had to berate you. Black forest ham you got. I got black forest ham in Turkey. I go, no. You got turkey on turkey. For the 80th fucking time.

They make their products from turkey. Well, you got a sandwich, too. It's not like I was there by myself. But I didn't get a fucking footwork. I know it's bad. Okay, well, I didn't finish them. Because I had to talk you out of it. He brought it home.

He brought it home like a fucking kid with three potato chips in the back. like this. And he folded up the bag of potato chips. And I looked at him, he was like this, holding it, like, I was going to take it from it. I'm like, this is fucking amazing. This motherfucker is actually taking these chips. Oh, I was going to feed it.

I don't like food in my fucking car, especially Subway sandwich. Yeah, I have to get him because it's either a hammer trick and the least amount of calories. It's horrible. I get the cold cut combo. It has him on it. And as I'm meeting it, I can taste the

fucking turkey wings of the fat of this shit. I eat that shit for the lettuce and tomato. This fucking guy, I don't even eat the lettuce and tomato. Yes, I do. I have lettuce and pickles. No, you give lettuce and you told them light on the lettuce. No, I didn't. I don't eat the time of tomatoes. I don't eat the time of tomatoes. I go, where's the spinach? I don't eat the time of my spinach.

You got to eat that. That's why you come to fucking subway. They eat that shit day, that radioactors. You don't have time to cook. If you really want to just the lettuce, just make a salad, it's disgusting. The chopped salad's not bad. Is it not? I was thinking of a game. I've never gotten it there. 50 calories?

For the cheese and veggie. The veggie cheese sandwich, they put it in a salad and chop it up. It's not bad, bro. It's not fucking bad guys to fill you up between guts. It's not what you eat, like fucking Johnny Maycourse over here. Johnny Maycoast. Yeah, he goes in there, like, with a fucking thing.

The napkin. Yeah, with a napkin. Like, this is yummy for your time. He gave me such a strong edible. He talked me into these chips that taste it so bad. Where are they? No, they're baked chips. sour cream. I didn't tell you to get those. I got roughness.

I ate one and I threw the fucking bag out. I thought I'd eat the crack cold pussy with him. That's the taste of love. The sour cream tastes less. Eust infection from a fucking disgusting. I'm feeling very attack right now. I love you. I don't understand how to fuck for 10 years you ate subway.

This guy would go to Subway is like the way you go to Vicente's. Oh, uh. Vincent's? And he would look at the sandwich and go, this is fucking tremendous. No, well, I used to get tuna. Or Italian? No, no.

What else you get? Spicy Italian? He gets that chicken wing shape. No, I never got that. Buffalo wing. Never got. I got the steak and cheese once. I never got the buffalo.

Stake and cheese in some subway. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I got to deal with people. You think like I pick on him. I love this motherfucker like a son. This has to end because this is all of you. This has to end. This is all of you.

If I die tomorrow, this guy's back on subway sandwich. I would never let that happen. Yes, he would. They have been bawling jump up and down, and they eat that shit. And they go for fusion. I can't have this. What's all the fusion? I can't have this.

You're a fucking soldier of the church. You got to be tough. You're a fucking lieutenant in the church. You got to set an example. You can't be doing this shit. How is it going to do this shit? I don't give a fuck. It's not.

It's not. What are you called? Arabian's bagel? Yeah, that's what the ice is. What's he called? Arabian's back. That's fucking. That's what the ISIS gives you.

Some fucking idiot tonight to retweet a video. I don't give it what you're doing ISIS I don't give a fuck Why you scare me with this? It's 8.30 at night. People are supposed to be in a good movie. Yeah, let me watch Splash and have some rigatone. This guy wants to be CNN on Twitter. Scared fucking white people.

Get the fuck out of here. I love you, cocksucker. Steve Simone. I love you. Nobody I love more than you. Flying Jew, I love you. No more fucking subway. I haven't been in Subway.

Last week he ain't wholesale sushi. It was not wholesale. It was not wholesale. It was not wholesale. He was a brand of a fucking animal. Because he wants to save two fucking dollars on sushi I tell him stop it It's not cheap shit

Go to that place on Ventura That's got a window He's in a strip wall The windows are black And it's a sushi Japanese He's in there fucking hide And telling me the noodles are good I can't have this

You just have to come to an end You should have seen him in subway here He scared me He was over He was over the sandwich I said he was going to hide it from him I'm like what is that ham and turkey What the fuck are you doing?

Not ham and the turkey One is ham but you got me so high dude I think I was high too Okay I ate the coke Cut corn boy Stacked it with lettuce The brown mustard

Was a good taste By the way Brown mustard was great This guy's bad for the moment No but it's just I got I laughed about it later Because

Remember Oh Because I was very proud of myself I was so high But right as we were leaving I was gonna go for a bag But that guy came in Trying to sell a credit card

And I was gonna go ask for a bag But I like Can't get out of here So like I just ran with us carrying the subway sandwich with just a paper rapper. Some black guy with a story that he couldn't talk a two-year-old kid.

How you doing? I got this car at the hotel and they said, remember it was like a fucking story about a car. And he was on a bike. I'm like, what is it? Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Go for a fucking walk. Go talk to ISIS. All right, cocksuckers. I love you. Stay black, my brother.

Stay black, Lisa. I had no more subway sandwiches. Okay. It's over. A little 52 girls for you cocksuckers. Now that the show is over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcasting and an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Or just go to JoeyDioS.com and click on the Hulu Plus banner. Don't forget to sign up for Dollar ShafClap.com.

Get high-quality razor sent to your door every month for a fraction of way you pay at retail. So now go to dollar shaveclub.com forward slash church or just go to joeydias.netnet. So it's also sponsored by onna.com. Use code word church to get 10% off at checkout with any of their optimization tools like AlfaBrain, new mood. And the last is hit eSigs.com. Use code word Joey's church for 20% off your order.