The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #210 - Joey Diaz, Paul T. Murray and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 4, 2014

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt are joined by writer, director and Actor Paul T. Murray live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 09/03/2014. Music: Led Zeppelin - Immigrant Song Aerosmith - Back In The Saddle Again

This show is sponsored by NatureBox, where you can order great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Snacks, smarter with healthy and delicious treats like Santa Fe Corn Sticks and French toast granola. Support this podcast and get 50% off of your first order. Go to naturebox.com, promo code Joey. That's naturebox.com, promo code Joey. The show is also sponsored by Onit.com. Go there for affibrating, new mood, shoem tech immune, shroom tech sport, anything like that, and use code word church to get 10% off of your order. show is also sponsored by meundies.com.

For men's and women, high quality underwear, go to meundies.com. And if you go to meundies.com slash joey, get 20% off of your order. That's meundees.com slash joey and get 20% off of your order. And for all the oil and wax smokers out there, for the premier vapor pen on the market, go to nailed it. com. That's nailed it atlif.com. Mention Joey Diaz, the church, anything like that, and get 20% off of your order. Are you kidding me or what? Wednesday, September 3rd, roll that fucking number, put the kid to sleep, tell Mama to shave that monkey.

We're getting down tonight, motherfuckers. Oh shit. The church of what's happened now, the devil was buried in a seat today. Fucked in the ass and ISIS cut his fucking head off. That's how it goes down. Catholics in the room today. What's the story there? Lee Cyanico.

When don't we fuck around? We never fuck around. You always say we're not fuck around today. We never fuck around. It's Wednesday, September 3rd. Get your shit together, bitch. It's a whole new fucking day by the time you get this. You'll be waking up thinking what the fuck am I going to do today?

I'm going to act? I get paid tomorrow, lunchtime. Who gives a fuck? You're awake. You got the world by the boss. What did you say today? You have a big dick and a whistle? I got a big dick and a whistle.

That's how I'm showing up. I got an eye patch in the fucking back pocket. What the fuck? Just in case you need it. Just in case I need it, dog. You have a great day. what happened? You woke up. I'm a weezy this morning. I'm a little sick, but I'm doing

better. You got to eat edibles, cucksuck. I told you. You wouldn't get sick if you had a couple of edibles. I have edible. Almost four times a week with you. It circles. It's like vitamin C. It circles the flu. And it just buries it. You understand? You got to feel fucking better here. No, I feel good. I've been, uh, I slept. I had soup.

Drinking a lot of water. What are you going to do? You drink the Campbell soup. You didn't get some hot sour soup. I got a progressor. No, I don't know. That's fucking Chinese vinegar. That'll get the flu right out of you. that's why you have to have the hot and sour it's got that Chinese vinegar it just zaps it

Maybe I'll stop by the way home It's like fucking getting hiv on your dick From McCracko On Van Nuys Boulevard That sounds terrible That cures the cold You never know You never know

Can't hurt The fucking guy What's going on Paul T. Mary in the house Nah it's strange I got a little bit of a stomach flu I just been fighting over to Since I got last night I was like literally had a crawl hair

And I did my own little rice and chicken soup All that old-fashioned stuff, because, you know, but the end of the day, a little bit of alcohol always does a trick better than anything. The Irish, you know, cure, I think, is always the best. Fuck yeah. That made me awake again. Now I feel pretty good.

I love it. Paul T. Mary's with us today. Writer, actor, he's finding out it's tough to fucking make a living in Hollywood now. You know, and it's, it happened to me. Like 2007, I was recurring on the show, and I thought I had the world by the balls. I'm like, I'm going to be recurring on a show going into pilot season.

And we had a strike. And that was it. When the show came back, it was a different fucking crime scene. I wasn't involved. We were talking about the state of acting and what's going on in California and what, you know, and everything turned around. And it's amazing how, you know, even as

you people are at home, you watch TV and you see these stars on television now. They're on TV shows. Regular people who would not work TV shows. So within that and the movies aren't getting made, guys like you and I just don't work like we used anymore. No, it's a kind of tragedy ever since the recession kicked in in 2008. I mean, it's, you know, wiped out the middle class in Hollywood, what is it did, middle class in America. And the studios become totally, you know, corporate-driven, which I call moron movies,

comic strip just, you know, movies targeting a 12-year-old mentality. I mean, that's pretty much all they do now. And the middle budget movies that used to be at least artistic for adults or whatever, that money's not there anymore. And then at the lower

range, you have the ultra-low budget stuff, which is pretty decent, but it's, again, you can't make a living on a hundred bucks a day. Is it coming back, though? Because I know it's like AMC and a lot of the bigger theaters are starting to show. more independent films or they're trying to do that is that is that helping you out at all or not really a little bit but i mean the you know the studios haven't monopolized as always you know have you thought about uh or have you been approached to do anything for online since it's you don't really need

the no i i don't i don't understand that the whole online thing uh you know you know like that web series and things like that yeah it just seems like that's where stuff is going like you could probably do some stuff without the studio. I know. I just don't know where the money is in it is. Do you know anybody know where the money is in these web... Advertising. The money's in the advertising. I met Paul with a great script he had. I think we met in 2006. I was approached by Montoya,

who is doing the Santa Barbara Comedy Festival this weekend. Right now, yeah. This weekend. He wanted me to tape something when I'm out of town this weekend. But I read the script and I thought it was fucking tremendous. I bugged him for a year. Montoya, what happened to that fucking movie? What happened to that movie, you know? And I get a call to do this movie, Boilermaker, you know, we had met.

And I've always been a fan of yours. You know, you're doing what I wish I could do. You know, last night I bumped into Steve Renner-Zizi, and we were talking about going on the road. And we both, somebody was asking us, and I said, you know what? I'm grateful that I have the opportunity to go out in the road. But I'm 51. At this age, I didn't really want to be carrying my own suitcase every week.

Not that I wanted to be a star, but I wanted to evolve into something else. And I really wanted to evolve into writing. I really like the whole, just the whole thing of writing a script, the process. But I know that if you think acting is hard and fucking stand-up is fucking hard, writing is a fucking animal that is completely, you know. Why do you think is it because you don't get the immediate? response like you do it and stand up? What's different about it do you think? Well the difference

is I mean you know comedy is all like short form writing you're basically writing jokes and set up but to writing your script you're architecting your whole script of 110 to 120 pages and I mean it's just you know it's a huge beast

to conquer and and do well and I came into writing by accident I was in theater when I first came out here producing plays and acting and still doing a little stand-up comedy. And then I remember reading scripts.

I couldn't believe grown adults wrote some of them were so bad. And I go, I can do better than this. So that's how I started writing. And here I am 65 scripts later. 65. 65 scripts? And how many years? 30 years.

That's like two a year. 38 screenplays, pilots, plays, shorts, I mean, everything. And I even started back in the day. we had to write on a fucking typewriter. Can you imagine that? Writing on a typewriter? I mean, you know. It's interesting, especially,

there's some directors now and some writers now who people buy everything, and even if it's not good or they're buying stuff, they're just remaking comic books, so it's not really, it's not like the writer isn't that necessary. Or, like,

and how is it when you're writing, like, good scripts and stuff like that's getting put out? I got a huge problem with the whole comic strip thing just right off. off the bat because number one comic strips are about comic strip characters. How do we relate to them we

don't? You know, kids should relate to heroes like their father, people, their mothers, human beings. I want to write scripts about you know, the human, you know, humanity, human people. I mean, I don't care about comic strip characters. They're not real. They don't do anything for me. And how many more Superman, Spider-Man,

Batman, you know, it just goes on and on. It's fucking embarrassing. And it's just so sad. It's just you cannot come up with anything else except for the moron movies. It is something that I grew up in a movie theater. I know what it is to, you know,

we didn't have the fucking computer to see what was upcoming. But when you went to a movie theater and you went to half hour early to see the trailers. And when you saw something you looked at that date and you planned around that date, you were excited. There is nothing that

fucking comes out anymore that I'm excited about. Twice a year I get excited about a movie, and then you go and it's a fucking six, or it's a five. But every moron around you is telling you how it's a fucking academy. We settled for shit.

As a society now, the last 15 years, we have been settling for shit and entertainment. You know, I did the podcast Monday night, and it was almost fucking hard to me to leave the house, Baltimore. Because Tuesday night,

Monday night, it went from, Nick at night goes from this cartoons, I got a baby. So Nick at night goes from fucking cartoons at 7 o'clock to movies. Like, you know, and the other night they went from Pepper Pig to Splash.

And me and my wife are sitting there with the baby, the baby's drawing, and we're watching Splash, and I'm fucking dying. I'm watching John Candy, and I'm fucking dying. I'm watching Tom Hanks. And all of some we start talking, and she goes, Joey, when did you see this movie? And I go,

And I was upset. I had tears in my eyes because I wanted to find the girl who made me go see that movie because it changed my whole fucking life about comedy. I was like, I think I could do what John Candy is doing.

But to make a long story short, my wife is a fucking nerd. So she started going on the computer and on her phone and looking at what? Can you get it from me? What? You know what fucking Splash came out

the same weekend as Goomies? Goonies or something? Yeah. It is fucking... Go and look at the films from 1984. Your jaw will fucking drop. Your jaw will fucking drop. July is like Ghostbusters, Purple Rain.

It's like three fucking movies in a row that you sit there. We don't have that no more. We don't have that at all anymore. So the highest grossing films of 84 are Ghostbusters, Beverly Hills Cop, Indiana Jones, and Temple of Doom, Gremlin, the Karate Kid, Police Academy. No, no, no.

But look to see what... Like, she fucking... found some that told her what got released in February. Okay. What got released in March by the weekend. And she's like, do you know what this got released with? Let me tell you. And we're like, holy shit.

Like, what the fuck happened to the movie industry? Why is it that they're making the third series of Spider-Man? Like, who gives a fuck? If you're over 18 and you watch those movies, I feel fucking bad for you. I feel fucking bad for you. I'm embarrassed for you. You know, a couple of years ago,

that fucking kiss of death made that avatar, that movie, and all these fucking Gentiles jumping up and down. It's great. It was a hundred. How much did it cost to make Avatar? You know what? I think over a billion.

I'm not sure. A fucking animated cartoon of a billion dollars. Right. And they were going to give this guy to direct the year. And he sat there with the ego. What did you do? You directed a fucking comic book guy.

And he's sitting. I loved it when they brought the Jew out, Barberstries. $237 million. What's that? The budget for that was $237 million. Yeah, $200. If you can make a bad movie,

Lee could make a good movie with $237 fucking million. But they're saying this guy, you know, I just don't understand what we've become. Like, what the fuck do we watch? It's kind of disheartening because when you think about it,

the only reason they make movies are TV, especially TV shows, is they don't cancel TV shows because they're bad. They cancel them because none of people watch to see the advertising. So it's the same thing with movies. They only do it for money. All these young studio execs have it down, like, their new science.

They call it the four quads of that you have to get in order to make a billion dollars. So they basically scientifically put these movies together to hit those four quads and branding. That's their new hip word today. Branding, branding is everything, you know, branding. and you know and I had a guy one time an aging young kid you know asked me

goes oh what is your brand and I go well I write I write everything I write this this this and this and I mean I don't write like sci-fi this but I you know this is what I write you know he goes

you know yeah but see you don't have a brand I go well my brand is good writing that's my brand I don't understand what you're telling me I have to specifically write the crime drama, because I wrote a couple of them, no. You know what I'm saying?

I think I'm a little bit more versatile of that. And, you know, but they want to pigeonhole. He does the, you know, Tarantino shit. That's his branding. And I'm like, no, I don't want to be branded. It's amazing what has happened to, you know, but it basically movies. And I see it, this thing, this stuff I get to read for, to the shows on TV, I got to tell you something, I'm embarrassed reading the fucking lines.

Like, I'll call my age and go, I'm not, I'm to the point in my life now where I just tell him, it's not going to work, bro. It's not going. I love you to death. I got a wife and a kid. I can't do it. I can't make that audition today. It's not how many people you shoot anymore. It's who you shoot.

I'm not going to drive to fucking Ocean Park at 545 for a ghost dog to yell at some fucking fat chick as a comedian. I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. I went through all that shit, but I read half of this stuff. I got two weeks ago, somebody sent me. something for a TV show and I was fucking embarrassed and I called Lee and I go Lee what do you know about this TV show

it's really popular it's a hipster show you know what I don't believe when I read three pages of it I fucking couldn't believe it and then there's guys like you that are good writers you know and you have a genre I get the branding I like that crime stuff that you get

involved in a few of those then you do something else some perky a fucking love story I mean you know yeah I've done them all I've done romantic I did offbeat love stories. I've done even some big studio, you know, you know, high concept type of scripts. And then again, middle budgets,

and I've done ultra-low budget. I do them all, you know, and just to cover, you know, all my bases, you know, because when you walk in, they may want an orange or an apple that day. I want to make sure I have everything with me. Right, you want everything with you. Yeah, you know, when a peer, I got one, you know. So, yeah, you know, you.

So, yeah, you just, to me, that's what it's all about, and you just got to get out there and just keep grinding away and believing in, you know, what you have and what you can do. I mean, and that's it, maybe. 65 fucking scripts. One of those scripts is worth $100 million. You don't even fucking know it, you know? You don't even know it. That's what they want a lottery ticket. I got my one favorite in there, my personal one that I think, you know, is the one that could.

you know, get me over the top as far as award winning and so forth. That's probably my hardest script to sell because it's a very kind of offbeat, artsy love story. But that's the one, if I could make one more movie before I die, that's the one I want to make. How many of your scripts have been turned into films? Seven feature films, four plays, and four short films. That's fucking amazing. And for the people at home, you've mentioned it twice. When I moved to the city and you went for an audition, this is 1997,

when you went out for an audition and your agent called you or your manager or your lawyer, he always says he's scale plus 10. Scale plus 10 is you get in scale per day, whatever it is, 590 plus 10% for your agent for the commission. And that's what you get per day. And then about a year and a half after I got here that everything was scale. scale or two years everything was scale. I got a call one day for four something. It was instead of scale,

sag scale, it was sag something else. It's there modified by a get or something. So it's 466 a day. Okay, you know, I did three days or something. Whatever. Still a lot better a lot of people making it. I'm not complaining. Then about a year later, I started getting calls for two-fifties.

That's modified. $2.52 a day. And what's going? And you're still getting a couple of scale calls, but just to let you people know at home, that for the last five years, you're making $12.50 an hour. And all of a sudden, your boss says to you,

hey, listen, on the weekends from now on, when you do those things, you're not going to get $12.50. You're going to get $9.50. And at first you go, okay, now what would you do as an American? You go, fuck, it sucks. I need the job. You need the job. But then they come and they come $250.

Then one day, I started getting calls for $100 a day. $100 a day, which is $90 after your commission, you know, 80 after your dry cleaning, 70 after the fucking gas, the 10 for lunch. So you're walking out with $50. Again, you know, I'm not, I'm lucky. Every morning when I wake up, I fucking say, Lord, thank you for giving me another fucking day.

But do you understand me, this was like a, it was like, by the way, they did this to you. Oh, by the way, that movie's only $100. And again, you know, you do the film. After a while, you stop doing it because nothing moves forward. There's a movie with Ray Leota and who's married to Justin Timberlake? Oh, fuck. I don't know.

Blue something. It's got the guy who won the Academy Award for Eidiamine, it's got. Jessica Beal. Her and Ray Leota are in a movie together. IMDB, Jessica Beal, it's Blue Something. She plays a straight. I have spoken about this movie 15 fucking times

because oh the chick from friends is in it Powder blue? Powder blue. Read the fucking thing. Let me see here. Cast is Jessica Beal, Eddie Reda Maine, Forrest Whitaker, Ray Leota Lisa Kudrow, Patrick Swayze, Chris Christofferson. That's a $100 a day movie. That was $100 a day movie. When you're watching this movie

unless you live in L.A., you don't know. It's a 100-0.00-day movie. They shot it all on basically one block. on Sunset and Gardner. So they catch her shoplifting at the comic place. Where's the comic place? We went to do the podcast today. Sunset and... Yeah, no, what's the name of it?

Meltdown. Meltdown. They call the shopliftinging at Meltdown. They turn the camera around. They're having lunch at the Thai place. We almost wanted to get baptized shrimp. They show the Billboard. And that's a 100-long-day movie.

So one day I was telling something about that movie. My friend said, I did that movie. And I go, what happened? And he goes, I guess they ran out of a movie. advertising money. Like they'd shot the movie, but then they planned on no money for fucking, so they were going to release that movie. I mean, it's got the fucking people to release it. That's strange because, yeah, I've never heard of it.

Oh, my God. You think you would have heard of it. It's on fucking Showtime and HBO. When you see Jackson's like a Beal strip, you will fucking die. When you see Patrick Squazy getting his dick sucked with a wig on, he plays the strip club owner. It's fucking crazy. This is like a crazy fucking movie. and it's a $100 a day movie.

You'll never know about it. People don't know about it because like they said, they ran out of the advertising money at the end, so the movie never fucking did the thing. So that's what we're up against now. I had to stop doing them because I said, the more I do them, I'm going to be stuck in that world,

the 100th of day movies. Yeah, plus you're not going to get residual checks because they're never going to go anywhere. They're never going to go anywhere. And so you can't make a living, yeah. And that's the thing now with those. it's funny when I met you we were you were planning

on this script and then when we came back that was one of the first I don't know how they movies I ever done was Boilermaker I was one of the first ones that I had done it and I didn't mind doing it because I liked the script I believed in my heart that something great was going to happen but there was

so many more things going on in my life at the time that I always wanted to talk to you about that you didn't know what was going on at that time why this movie was so special when we shot started shooting that movie I had been off blow for three fucking days I've never done blow again

right never never even considered doing it but it all started with boiler maker right it all started with boy because I knew that we had to shoot 18 days in a row six to six and I know that it wasn't like well you have a couple days off here we were shooting 18 days in the row and if everybody had to be in the scene

you know everybody had to be in the fucking scene so I'm like, I'll never make six in the morning. You know, after the fourth day, I'll never make it. Because I could snort three or four nights. I was that much of a junkie, but I could snort three or four nights a week, and I can keep it together for two or three days. By Thursday, you're going to know that this motherfucker hasn't slept.

His nose is leaking. It would have played perfect for the role. Yeah, it would have been worked for the role. But that was the most amazing thing about that movie, where I always held you so close to my heart, because while I was shooting that movie, I was also trying to get clean. So I would basically leave that set at night,

run home, eat dinner, eat a sleeping pill and go right to bed. And wake up the next morning and go, ooh! I made it another fucking day, baby. Well, you were great. I mean, you were the comic relief that I wanted in that role.

And I remember when I talked to Scott Montoya brought you up and Kurt. you know because I told them I needed some Latin actors in here and and for the reading and so he brought you guys in and I don't normally like taking guys in blind because I you know right right yeah you have your own thing I don't like people to you know fuck up my shit so and uh we had already like started of the reading and this is this is you know there's a live audience in the theater and you know it's a public reading

aunt to hunger we do oh yeah yeah yeah we did and and Joey comes in any any any any any any any and he sits down and literally it comes up to his line it's just like whack bang out of the park gone home or i'm like excellent you know this is the guy i want for it that was like yeah it was priceless so when it came to uh well eventually you know getting the money to actually film the movie there was no no doubt i was using you and you know and so uh was that's it's a it's a beautiful thing when somebody you know hits the part like get a plane of strata various man you know i had louis fletcher do it in very mean men you know and that was a cool trip for me because um um in 1975 i won a field trip of a psychology class and i saw one

flew the cuckus nest and that's the movie that inspired me to be an actor jacquesn leicletcher and i went best actor actor this movie and 25 years later in 2000 she's in my movie and again she knocked it out of the park and i have a It's a beautiful thing when somebody plays that violin that you wrote, so nice. And that was a kind of cool thing. So you wrote, that was the first one you saw very mean men. That was my biggest movie sold at the time. And that was really exciting because, you know, you've been doing it for so many years.

And then you show up at 4 in the morning and it's still dark out. And there's like some multimillion dollar trailers and trucks there. And you're just looking going like, wow, they're all here because I wrote that script. And then you meet Ben Gazza. and Bert Young and Martin Landau and Charles Durning. I mean, you know, you've got legends in there. And that was a pretty cool, pretty cool thing. Plus, I wrote myself a nice part because I wasn't stupid.

Now, how long did it take you to write very mean, man? What's it usually take you? I write very, very fast. I try to write fast because I want to stay on top of the story. And if you distance yourself from the script too much, It's too hard to get back in the groove of writing. So I write like an animal. I mean, I used to write later at night.

I'm a good old. I write more late afternoon or 10 or 11. But I used to get in there 10 hours a day and bang the script out, sometimes in five to six weeks, but my average is more like around eight weeks. And that's 10 hours a day of writing? It's 8 to 10. By yourself, no partners?

No partner. No, I write alone. I only wrote one script ever that I co-wrote. But I work on the script all day long, like when I'm driving and I'm out there, I got notes. I'm just, that's all I'm doing. It's all I'm doing is working on the script. I don't listen to the radio in the car. I'm like working on, okay, what do I have to do here to fix this little problem in the script.

So by the time I get home, I don't have to waste time. I've already fixed it in the car. So that's how I'm able to write fast. Is it harder without a partner because, like, is it easy to see mistakes in your own work? I've done it a few times when I was younger, but I am, I'm, I guess I'm pretty confident in what I want. And I just like to do it alone. I mean, I obviously, you know, another thing I see in this town is, is amateur putting scripts out there way, way, before they ever need to be out there.

I write six or seven drafts in that period of time before I even call it a first draft. You know what I'm saying? I go over everything and then I have people read it and a lot of times I'll have readings so I can get input from everyone before I officially want to launch it out there. But, you know, I see scripts just recently

I read a few that just have no business being read by anyone. And these people just delusional, they don't know better, you know? Plus, they can't write. You know, they say stupid stuff like interior bar, Joe and Wally walk in the bar. Well, we're already in the bar, you're moron. You know what I'm saying? You just say interior bar, you say, and you never use a lame word like walk.

You say, Joe and Wally stagger in. That's all you need. Be economical and get to the script movement and killer dialogue. You know, when you were here a few years, when you decide to start writing, what is it that you read? What is it that you, did you take a class? Did you read to a certain author? I didn't take any classes. I just started writing on my own.

I would get a hold of scripts, which were hard to back in those days. In the early days, I was writing episodic or sitcom specs and things like that. and then plays. So I would just really just learn by doing it over and over. I eventually took a couple of seminars, one with the famous Robert McGee and another gentleman. But all these screenwriting gurus, you know, nothing's changed in a thousand years.

There's a beginning, middle, in an end. There's an inciting incident, you know, the first 10 pages that gets us hooked with the story. and you have to, you know, write real sharp, brief, concise narrative and killer dialogue. And you have to start the scenes late and end them early, you know. And it just, it takes a long time to learn how to craft all that. Because on the end of the day, screenwriting is a craft. It's a craft to, you know, know how to do it.

And again, I've written so many scripts at this point. And I just like, you know, know the shortcuts and so forth. And one other thing while I'm on that is never rewrite while you're writing because all you're doing is wasting time. You know what I'm saying? Don't perfect the script now because you may spend two hours changing a whole scene and then when you're done with the script, you realize it doesn't even fit in there. So now you just waste it all that time.

Don't rewrite to do anything until the rough draft is done and that you see that everything fits. this is how again I'm able to write fast because I don't waste down with that just get the rough idea of the scene down okay this is what we call the shitty version oh here's my shitty version of the scene

now when I'm done I'm going to come in and home that scene to be you know really slick and cool and have the subtext it's another important thing that characters have to have subtext because people don't say what's on their mind and scenes there are always stuff going on underneath you know that that has to be there

anyway move along Joey always talks about going back to old notebooks and like rewriting jokes. Do you ever go back to an old script and change it or do anything like that? Yeah, I mean, I'm like nuts about it. I don't even like picking up a script because I'll go in and I'll start automatically doing it. Because each year that I evolve as a writer, I become better. And so I'll go in and always be fine tweaking scripts to the end of the day. And, yeah.

That's a beer about those scripts. You always look and you always find. something. It's funny how I used to write on fucking napkins and in your car and I actually started sitting down and writing and I would get up at four and actually plot like two hours to write. And it's amazing out of all those books, what a waste of time it was to read all those books all those years. It was a waste of my fucking time. Samuel French, you're just making Samuel French rich. Oh yeah. That's all the fuck you're doing every time you're going and buy a book by Lee and how to write.

All that's garbage. The way to write is to write. And it's so funny how as Americans we want to do anything but do the thing. I go to Jiu-Jitsu and he has classes that you get in there and you wrestle. Some people just want to learn the technique

and go home and never get their hands dirty. And then they go, but that's done across the board with everything. That's what, you know, I used to have a friend in town. I went to an acting class for 90 days and I moved on. You move on. After that, you

move on. And I had friends that would go to acting class for six years and I'd go momentum. And I'd say, how's it going? They're like, well, they told me I'm not ready yet. If you could breathe into the fog the bottom of a fucking glass, you could fucking act.

Right. You know? Yeah. First of all, you can't teach acting. I don't think you can even really teach writing. And you definitely can't teach comedies. You definitely can't teach comedies. You just just can't. You either have that or you don't. You know, what classes and, you know, improv groups and things like that do for, they give you the confidence. They give you the confidence to bring

out your natural, natural ability. But you can't teach that, you know. And so many people to take claim to have discovered certain comedians at this place or to get certain actors and the actor studios and it's, come on, man. You know? I see right through. And it's, Come on, man. It's a huge living. Al Pacino is Al Pacino. I don't care where he went, man, okay? Come on.

You know. And so, yeah, you either have it, he don't. And it's just like anything else. I mean, it's a lot of work. And you've got to, you know, put it in there. You know, I call it, there's a 10,000 hour theory, the 10,000 hours. You know what that is? To be good at anything in this life, that's how many hours you have to put into it.

And most people don't want to do that. That's like a lot of hours, you know. But that's, I think, what you have to do in order to be successful. Because it won't come down to luck anymore. It just comes down to hard work being out there and doing it, you know? And, you know. How do you deal with rejection? Because a lot of, I mean, you said you got like 11, 15 things made that's out of 60.

I mean, for some people, they would stop after, like, how many times did people say no to you? Well, we deal with rejection and, you know, nonstop. It's like 99% of our lives. The first thing you have to be is insane in order to deal with it. Because most normal people, they wouldn't do it. They wouldn't do it. So you have to be a little bit nuts. You have to have blinders on.

You've got to be most actors and comedians are a little crazy, a little offbeat. And that's, you know, what we are. And so, and somewhere inside. you, you have to have that belief that I have something, I have this magic or whatever. Otherwise, you know, you are crazy. So, yeah.

How did your parents react to when you said you were going to come out here and write? Well, I was mainly came out as an actor. I picked up the writing later. And they were actually, for being blue collar workers in Saudi, they were very supportive of it, even though they knew nothing of it and could never

in a million years understand it. you know and and every year I go back for the holiday and they go you're back and I'm like no and then two ways you're you're back I'm like no I'm not so you know but it's just certain people you know had their calling in life what they're what they're going they want to do with it you know and and and what enriches them you know it's nice to have millions of dollars but I you know I think artists and people we get enriched by performing and making people laugh or inspiring people with the awards or or paintings or whatever. It's fucking amazing, eh?

Yeah, it's very inspiring. It's just not a lot of people. Like, I've been out here only almost four years, and already I've seen people come and go, and it's just over 30 years. I can't imagine how many writers or actors or directors you've seen or were the hot writer in Hollywood. They got one script sold, and now they're back home, and it's just it's good to know that people can still be out here. Yeah, I'm stuck now.

I mean, I've been here too long, but I actually like it. I like it out here. I love the weather. I like, you know, all the recreation and light life and the things that we have, especially in Studio City where I've lived for all this time. It's my favorite place. And I dig it. One thing, I definitely can't.

take is the cold. So, you know. Yeah, it's funny that you go back for the holidays because I went back the first two or three years, but now I'm never going back in the winter again. Yeah, that's barbaric. I mean, I have a very simple theory in that. It's like life is tough enough as it is. Why make it any harder on yourself living in that brutal cold? And this was a bad winter that just went through. And I, you know, I can't do it. I just don't like the cold. You know, it's amazing. The, I mean, I've always loved. Boston as a city.

I don't give a fuck about the Yankees, none of that shit. You know, I'm Cuban. My mother was a Boston Red Sox fan, you know, Louis Tianton, the whole fucking thing. And I love all that, you know. I grew up a Cincinnati red fan,

but my American League team was the Red Sox, you know, so I always loved everything about it. And I come out here, and you meet these fucking half-ass fucking fans, you know. Oh. And then you, they won, and everybody became a fucking fan, you know.

It's like anything else with the Yankees of Boston. But I got to tell you something, Paul, and I met, you know, I've met over, my good, good friend in Aspen was a Southie guy. I mean, he had bullet holes in his neck, and they cut his toe off, you know, it was amazing. But you come out here and you meet all these fucking good-looking people from South, you know, and you're one of the guys that I look at, I go, this motherfucker is definitely from Southie. Not that you're a good-looking, you're an handsome-minded motherfucker. I'm just saying that.

you live and breathe it I smell it on you I smell it in your writing your style of writing just something about how it became cool to be Southie and when you look into the paperwork

they're really from Quincy Oh yeah now you know it's it's you know ever since like Goodwill hunting and things South they became you know so I was the original pioneer that came out here

and now we got all these actors and everybody coming out you know to get in the business which they never would have done in a billion years because Salty's a very tough blue-collar neighborhood and going into show business back in the day was just unheard of. But it's getting pretty gentrified right now, I think. Oh, yeah.

Selthew's gone. It's not even Southie anymore. It's gone. But what I'm saying is back in my day, people just scratched their head. They couldn't understand where I was going, especially since I turned down a T job, which I went in a lottery. Oh, yeah, I signed up for that too, just when I was in college.

They make you sign up to be like a T-driver. Like, you make a ton of money if you drive this subway. So I, and I actually won. They picked 300 people. Wow. And then I decided I don't want to do that. I can't, no, I can't. My friends thought I was insane.

Because that was like even like back then, it was like 40 grand. That was like 30 years ago. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. I'm like, no, I'm not driving a bus for the rest of my life because, you know, nut jobs take the bus and I'm going to be dealing with this. I can't do this. I'm guessing you weren't standing in line in Santa Monica at that new Duncan,

Donuts? Do you see those? No, I did see it on the new road. I think that's a little drastic. Yeah, it's a little fucking insane. It's a little drastic for the for the Dunkin' Donuts. But, you know, yeah, but I, you know, I, I, I loved growing up in Salty because, you know, it was just just great characters. All my friends and all the people I grew up were hysterical. And, you know, their way that they show how they liked you was they insulted you. We were, you know, you know, what kind of party and so everybody insults each other. They don't insults you. They don't like you. you. You know, they like to themselves, right? So it was just great. And the great characters that I hung out and grew up with and all that were great for my writing, you know, because I could always take bits and pieces of people, you know, and put them together

for a certain character. You know, I like characters that are crazy little obsessions and things like that. So, you know, I would always always remember like these guys I grew up with, you One of my buddies, his nickname was Ean. They all had these crazy nicknames. What was his nickname? Een, though. Yeah, he, I don't know where we got to his nickname. Mine was Muscat, but anyway, he used to have a list of, like, his friends on there,

like, whom he wanted to, like, basically knock off first because, like, everybody was picking on him. And you would just have to hope, you know, you weren't on his list, you know. This is, like, real stuff, you know. Where can you get this? So, yeah, it was, it's great. And, you know, now it's become a trendy thing for them to come out to Hollywood to get into the business. You know, 30 years ago, when you left, when you told your buddies at the bar that you were going to Hollywood, they just looked at you. And South East End said that you were fucking fag.

Yeah, right, right. And you sit there going, what the fuck are these people this? And they really are. They think that this is another world. you know the East Coast mentality you know Jersey Boston they think when you tell them you're going to come out here that they've never

it's it amazes me when I go home and people still say to me you still live all the way out there and Cali you're still living out there Cali with those fucking redoubt you're still living out there out where like what the fuck is it Mars it's a fucking plane ride guy

but they don't see that and God bless them God fucking bless him for not seeing that You know, it's, it's, what's that expression? Ignorance is, I don't know. It's bliss, yeah. In their ignorance is fucking bliss. No, they always, you know, I thought it was, well, that's for special people.

And I'm like, what the fuck is so special about them? Why can't I do that? You know what I'm saying? I don't understand. I wish more people thought like that, though, a little bit because it's so crowded out here, especially now. Like, there's so many new people coming every day that just, I honestly, it's so, and like, they never, like, we have enough waiters and waitresses, like, Sometimes I think there should be like a time woman out here. If you're not doing it.

People have fucking dreams, Lee. People have dreams. You know, when I was living in Seattle and I never dreamed of L.A. And then the more comedy I did, people are like, oh, you should try. And I got to be honest. And I've told you, we've had this conversation. I thought I would last 18 months. Like a friend of mine said, man, I was on extra on friends.

And what I did was I left a little horse on stage with the, with the head. So whenever he was an extra on a set, he would always bring a little horse next to him and play with the heads of the camera. And I was like, maybe I'll do that. I'm just not kidding you. I like, that sounds so fucking cool.

I love to be an extra. I never had a dream that I would ever be in a fucking movie. I thought if I would be like a, if I was a server in a scene, that that would be great for me. I never had that dream to be in a movie. I never knew how to fucking get in a movie or what I even started.

I was a dirty stand-up comic. But you stick with it. You stick with things. And you see where the fuck they take you. You said it. How many fucking... How many fuck the truth, without being sarcastic. How many big-time Hollywood fucking people

have you met to the con now? That when you sat across from the table, you were like, this guy's gone, oh, by the what he's doing. Because they come out here with a credit card and they focus on all the wrong things. Yeah, they... Again, my friends at the time when I came out,

we're like all running around playing the Hollywood night game, you know, thinking they're going to get discovered at a nightclub and, you know, blowing their money. And I was staying at eight hours a night writing, you know? And little by little, it's amazing what people think it requires to come out of here. You come out here, you go to the standard, you get an acting class, and Jack Nicholson sees you. You had a league game, and he puts you in one of his fucking movies.

I've had fucking people tell me that. Do you know how many writers? Listen, I'm a comic. One of the easiest paths for a writer to get esteemed sometimes is to meet with a comedian and try to develop a show and pitch the fucking show.

If I told you how many writers I've met with for months, for six or seven months, and then one day they just disappeared. Ball, disappeared. And then you see him three years later. And they're a camera guy in a commercial. Like you go for a

commercial audition and this really happened to me a guy that was oh my god his uncle was uh the guy from one of brothers and we're going to put this together and we met in hollywood and one day i never saw him again and he was a camera guy at the at the place in ocean parkway and i go what happened oh you know how it is man and i couldn't even i couldn't even imagine so you didn't want to be a writer no more so now you're that camera guy at the audition that guy that so it's It's amazing how overnight he was going to write the next big TV show. Like, that just switched. My dream has never changed.

My dream has never changed. I don't even know what the fuck my dream was when I got here. I just was happy to do stand up and be alive. Right. I swear to God, I was just happy. I didn't pick up and say, I'm moving to L.A. to become a fucking star. Like, that's fucking ridiculous that you wouldn't know what goes into it. And you see them.

You see these fucking girls at parties hanging out with fucking... fake producers, the Arabs, they say they're produced next thing. You know, they're sucking a dick with sand on it. It's a fucking nightmare for that. And then they realize what the fuck happened. Comics, you know how many comics I came out here with that said this was it, that they were going to go for it? And then you see them on Facebook four years later,

and they're married and they live in Nantucket. And you're like, how the fuck did you end up back in Nantucket? Obviously, your dream wasn't fucking big enough. I don't mind somebody having a dream, Lee. I don't mind somebody having a dream. We all have to have a fucking dream. It's what keeps you alive. It's, I understand what you're saying.

There's enough waitresses and shit. What the fuck? But you gotta have a fucking dream. Yeah. No, I agree with that. It's just sometimes out here. So when you're sitting in traffic, you're like, God. And, like, I've had people say,

oh, I'm going to come out here, but I'm not. Like you said, like, they said, I'm not ready at the acting class. Or I'm not going to take this job because it's not an editor. I'm going to wait for that. I'm not going to take a production assistant job. It's like, just that stuff. I respect guys like Paul. I respect guys like,

that came out here and stuck it out and stuck it out and adapted. That's the word. You have to adapt. You have to fucking adapt. Four years ago I remember people talking about podcasting and people saying, what are you fucking retarded? That's not going to work. A stupid

they got radio. We heard it. We heard it. I was like Marie Dee hearing it. And four years fucking later. We've been doing this one for two years. There's a lot of comedians that still won't pick up and do a podcast. Or if they do the podcast, they do it completely wrong.

They don't express what the fuck they're thinking. So people listen to it and go, this is a TV show. You're not telling me what you're really fucking thinking. I want to hear what Paul T. Mary has to say. That's why I do this fucking podcast. Sometimes people, you know, you say fucking racially insensitive shit. You say fucking something that you're sitting. But it's what's really in your fucking heart.

If not, just wait until I get on a TV show and you can watch me do somebody else's fucking lines and play the nice guy. And, oh, I met Paul Murray. He seemed like a nice guy. What the fuck is wrong with you? He adapted. Yeah.

He fucking adapted. That's, you know. And I'm sure a lot of people who you talk to writing will say, well, oh, I only write big movie. I only write studio pictures. And you're like, well, and you're writing plays and shorts and you can't just, you can't. Who writes a studio for? Who sits there and says they write a studio picture? And he's Bravo's fucking student.

Write to script. My friend's student, writes a script, jujitsu guy, writes a script. and he gets a call from his agent that he wants to go to lunch with Sylvester Stallone. He goes to lunch with Sylvester Stallum. Never hears again about the script and next thing he no expendables comes out. It's his fucking script.

He takes Sylvester Sloan to court. He fucking wins. And now his name is on all three of them. He also did the other movie. Godzilla. That was his movie. He wrote that also. But he didn't know what he was writing.

You just have to keep fucking writing. Yeah. And eventually, you know, Sylvester Stone will steal it. you sue him and now you get your name on the fucking map but you know how did that guy feel he went after so you know I mean these are just that's a dream yeah that's a dream you know you just don't write a fucking big hole I'm gonna write you write you write

the biggest misconception people have and it's amazing I was thinking about this guy Chris Penny when I first got into comedy one of the guys I worked with his name was Chris Penny and we just worked a road we were just road dogs he was just a road dog no Hollywood. And he played the tambourine, and he went out with a drink, and he goes, hey, you know, tequila. And he was one of those guys. After a show, he'd tell you how his audience drinks more than the other audience.

And, you know, he does this to make $37,000 a year, and he bought a van, and he did all this shit. He not once told me how much he loved comedy. Everything he did was for the money end of it. Man, then I sell T-shirts, and then I sell ukuleleys, and then, guess what, I never saw him again. This was 95 when I worked him. And then in 99, I'm at the fucking comedy store,

you know, doing spots at the comedy store. And he walks in like a lost. And he's like, I'm thinking of moving out here, and I'm talking to him. And I knew that it wasn't his passion. I'll do comedy in front of two people for free. Guess what? I'll have more fun doing comedy for free in front of two people

than I would if you pay me $3,000 in front of 200 people. Sometimes for me, doing comedy. when I went to Kentucky when I did the show and everybody said you didn't get paid I didn't do it to get paid sometimes it's just nice to fucking do comedy I love it

I would do comedy whether you gave me $2 or whether he gave me a fucking cheeseburger that's the difference a lot of people put a dollar sign on everything and that's what Chris Penny did I mentioned him in a podcast on Joe Rogan about three months later he hit me up on the beating the Beast Day

yeah I'm here living in Malibu you know he's probably selling real estate He never got it. And a lot of people don't get it. People will tell you I want to be rich. What the fuck are you going to do with it? What the fuck are you going to do with it? When I wanted to be rich and I was selling drugs and mugging people and all that shit,

I wasn't happy. Now that I'm not rich and I make it for month to month, I'm having a great fucking time. And that's what people always get fucking confused. Everybody wants to be rich. And what are you going to do it? When are you going to get a limo and chase Justin Bieber in the fucking car? That's the problem.

That's where the dream gets fucking confused. You have to do something because you want to do it. A chick that sucks your dick for $50 or suck your dick for free. You got to love to suck dick to do it. You understand me? People don't just suck dick because they don't fucking like it. Same thing with anything you love. He loves writing, man.

I can tell when I read his fucking writing, this guy loves what the hell he's doing, you know? And that's the biggest misconception about Los Angeles, California. that people come here and they don't know why they're here I knew when I came here I was a felon I had a college degree

that I couldn't use I had no fucking options at 30 fucking when did I come here whatever 13 full 50 17 years ago I'm 51 I got here at 34 I was longer the tooth

and ugly than ever you know I wasn't no fucking Brad Pitt when I got here I just had a dream I just my dream was to not go back to jail that was my dream to stay out of fucking jail not stab a motherfucker ever again that was my dream

you know had nothing to do with money and that's the misperception cocksuckers tell him Paul don't leave me here you gotta love it baby you know that

I'm just saying you gotta love what you're doing over here period of it if you why else would you do it you have to love it it's too hard it's too it's too much pain and rejection and there's price to pay

I mean the grass is always greener the other side. I mean, I look back a lot of my friend, you know, they grew up. They got great families and all my life doing great. I had a sacrifice not having like, you know, the normal family and the things and like that in order to do what I did, you know. Everybody wants it all, but sometimes you can get it all. You can only get, you know, whatever. But what I didn't want to do with my life is to do some miserable job that I would just hate myself every single day at, you know and and and because I added up more if I'm going to hate that I'm going to hate my family and I'm going to the whole thing it's going to be what carries over into everything else

it's going to be a domino effect and I'm like I I I can't do that I want I want to you know life is short man you got to chase your dreams you know what I'm saying and and and and do the best you can you know and you know some people like you're saying some people come up for a few years they realize it ain't for them they can't make it they ain't the bad thing they go home yeah it's it they can't for everybody. Believe me, there's too many out here as it is. There's too many dilettantes and too many people, you know, confusing the issue, you know, as far as talent goes, I mean, it's just so many. I mean, if you want to become a lawyer, you've got to go, you know, you just can't say I'm a lawyer

or a doctor, but anybody and say that I'm an actor, which pisses me off. You know, some moron could just walk out the street. Hey, I'm an actor. Why? Because I took a picture. Oh, really? You know? There's like, there's no respect. It's just like, come on, man. You know? It's amazing how many people get business cards

printed. It's amazing. The first guy I had as a manager was like a fucking travel agent. I didn't know this. I go, how did you get into this? You've been into this 10 years. You're like, oh, no, I've been doing this eight months. He goes, I was a travel agent. I always wanted to be a manager. He goes, so when I sold

my travel agent, I had some money from the travel agency that came out of it. He bought the Lamb Rover. He bought the condo. He bought the suits. He had the business cards. That was the first year. Right. The credit card. He always picked up the lunch tab. He took you the meetings. He always paid.

That was like for 18 months. Then one day he didn't have the fucking land cruiser, no, the land, whatever, no more. He had something else. And then he was telling me how he had to move because there was leaking in his building. And the Association wanted too much money and then and then it just got worse and worse and now he's doing something in North Carolina you know it's and I and it broke my heart when he left but it was my

first lesson of people that come out of here confused you know and I can't lie the I came out here to kill a little time myself you know I was I was in the process of stabbing somebody at that I was just buying time to get my perfect I was just waiting to get so much rejection that the anger would push me right back to Colorado so I could chop their fucking head off. But I don't know. I don't know what happened. And I slept in a car for the first year.

Wow, really? On Kennedy Boulevard on sunset. And I would go into Ralphie's house and take a shower. And then my car got towed and everything I had. I didn't have it registered. So they wouldn't let me go back in and get my stuff. So I lost all my clothes. I mean, this is it.

And after that, I should have said, I'm fucking going home. And I said, fuck you. I'm coming back and I dealt it out I slept on floors and I paid the people to live on their couch how miserable is that Paul Tim Murphy? It's got to be real rough man I've never had to do it

I mean but I mean I reality hit me real quick once I ran out of money next thing you know I'm up busing tables at a restaurant and that shit and it's just like you know it's like you know everybody comes here thinking they're going to be a star in six months you know whatever sometimes if they and you know and then you realize the reality of you know the magnitude of how many people out here how fucking hard it is and and you know so you make a decision do I hang in there but I have to because this is what I do nothing's going to stop me because it's it's what I do it's what I want to do and you know I love acting I like the whole thing I love writing yeah and I love directing all of it everything is it hard sometimes I would imagine you must have sold something or got something offered to you where they're

changing everything. Like, have you sold a script? They changed everything. And then do you take it back? What is that? What does that process like? It's not pretty. Not pretty at all. It's like watching somebody kill your child in front of you. Do you take it back and give the money back? No, you can't do anything. You just have to suck it up and watch them kill it. And that's

happened to me several times. One of them, I better not mention the movie. But they were just butchered really badly and it happened a couple other times. So that's another reason I was very excited to direct Boilermaker because I had had six movies made prior that other people directed.

And so I was finally directing my baby the way I wanted it done, you know. Now the concept of Boilermaker, where did that come from? Can we discuss that or we still can't discuss it? No, I mean, I know a lot of people in the biz in certain what they call rooms out there and stuff. and I just thought it would be a really cool concept of a hostage situation, you know what I'm saying, to be in that environment. And yeah, so I just came up with setting it there.

And then, you know, because it's like a microcosm of society in those meetings. I mean, you've got the, you know, people that are new, people that are old, people that are struggling. and people are in and out. It's got a diverse group of people. So I thought that would be really cool for it. Plus, again, I wanted to write what I call a producer-friendly piece, which, again, with minimum locations that wouldn't cost a lot. And that could do, you know, pretty well.

And anyway, so it's two-for-two in film festivals and one on both, so screwed up the distribution, but. It's amazing that you go to the movies for a long time and you watch these fucking movies. And all of a sudden one day you start shooting movies. You're in movies, you know, and you shoot one scene. For five years, I shot one scene. Thank you, Mr. Diaz.

Diaz is rapping now, you know. And you shoot one fucking scene and you go home, you come in, leave you, get the fuck out. And I handcuff you or I smack you or whatever the fuck it is and you leave. You know, when I shot Boilermaker, it was one of the first films I did the whole film. Right.

And that's a complete different learning experience. Right, because you get a real part. You got a character that's got a whole thing here. You're not just coming in with the one-line bullshit, you know, which most people do. You know, you got to, that character's got to carry all the way through, man. Yeah. It was really weird to do. And when you watch it, that's when you really start learning about Jesus Christ.

I did that wrong. But it's amazing to do one movie. movie, one scene, and then this other fucking film where you're in the whole film, and to watch it play out. It was huge for me. That was one of the films that I couldn't, I hate watching myself. I will not watch myself. I don't want to hear myself at sets. And that was one film when it came after I went to watch it.

Where did you play that down in? The Fine Arts in Wilshire and Beverly Hills. Yeah, that was a great screening. That was a great screening. And it was amazing that I had somebody in there from the program. Yeah. I took a friend with me that was in the program. and how she spoke to me about it afterward.

And, you know, you live out here. You have no control of what you do. When you pay me a certain amount of being your movie, I don't know what I'm doing. But I'll tell you why, when I did The Longest Yard, when I first watched the first screening in the longest yard, I wanted to cry. Like, I wanted to fucking cry

because it wasn't what I shot. It wasn't the scenes that I shot. What do you mean? I, you know, I'm a serious, I'm a comedian, but I like the seriousness. I don't like a lot of goofy shit. When I watched Longest Yard, I never saw Adam stick his mouth in his finger and putting the guys in the ear on the set when I was shooting that. I wasn't there those days.

So when I saw it, it broke my heart because to me it wasn't the longest yard I had grown up on. Oh. Do you know what I'm saying? It's the same thing what he's saying about what your baby looks like. I've had, I've known a couple of writers that their biggest fucking dilemmas, the worst. worst I've ever seen him is when they've had to take the script back that they sold to refix it. So Paul buys my script. He takes the script.

He hires, these dummies will hire somebody else to fucking rewrite it. And then when they fuck it up, now Paul wants to give it back to me. The guy who wrote it already, not even that Paul fucked it up. Paul already fucked it up on his own. Now he gives it the two bumbling fucking knuckleds, and they fuck it up even more. They're called egos in this town. They're egos.

They come in like lirps. You don't know what you were doing. We're going to fix this script with this fucking attitude. And it goes right back to him now. And so when you do a... It also happens to the actor. You think you're doing one thing. You get to the fucking thing,

and you're like, what the fuck happened to that movie? You know, how do you think you feel? How do you think you feel when you go to the fucking thing? a movie to the movie blows. The movie fucking blows. And they put 80 million into a fuck. I'm not saying the longest shot. I'm saying other films that I've done. Yeah, but I would

imagine during the filming you don't think it's going to suck. Nobody does because you're under the fucking ether. You won't put that air on this front. When you're shooting something, TV shows are fucking horrendous. TV shows are something that when you shoot, you're definitely under the ether. As soon as you walk into the studio, they're blowing

like tear gas in there or something into the fucking studio. because you walk in and all of a sudden you're like this is funny you start saying to yourself this could be fucking funny this ain't bad and you don't know how bad it is to you fucking watch it on TV you're like oh my fucking God that's fucking bad so the same thing happens to writers the same thing happens to actors the same thing happens across the board where what you intentionally thought it was how many times have you called me

and said Joey I gotta tell you something don't be upset I'm really a fan of your buddies. Have you seen a special? It's fucking horrible. And we find out it's the cutting. It's the editing. Oh, yeah, totally. The editing, they fucked it up.

And the editing, they put a commercial where the punchline is. It's just a fucking murder thing. That's why I hate specials on television. You have to play them on whatever. Same thing happens. How many fucking times have you called me and said, I'm a fan of this guy?

I paid to see this guy, Joey. The fucking special is horrendous. Happens all the time. So there you go, my friend. Yeah, yeah. You never fucking know Lisa, what you're doing. All you can do is be the best you can be that fucking day. No, it's good to hear, because people who listen know, but for the past almost a year, November it will be a year that I stopped working in TV, and I've just been doing this.

And like you said, when you were trying to be rich, you weren't happy, and I've had probably one of the best years of my life. It's, uh, and some of it's harder. Like some, do you ever think like, oh, I should go back and be a tea driver and I'll make 80 grand and I'll know I have a check coming in and it's just tough. Yeah, well, it's, it's a little too late for that now. The dice have been rolled, so I'll live with it. But no, I don't, I don't, I don't have any regrets at all. I mean, because the life that I want up having, there's no way I could have had all the

encounters with the, you know, actors and producers and, you know, and great comedians and artists and, you know, I mean, I spent a day with Dennis Hopper one, you know, my first time at the improv, I was here two weeks, Johnny Carson walks by me, you know, fucking Johnny Carson, you know what I'm saying? Johnny Carson ain't walking around on bars and salty, okay? Let me tell you. So, anyway, you know, all those. great things.

Few of my friends at the tonight show, Steve Wright and Teddy Bergeron. I mean, you know, I saw, I was around all that, of that great excitement. And, you know, again, when you arrive in the morning and there's millions of dollars

worth of filming equipment and you got a catamore winning actors and nominees saying your lines in your movie, where could I have got that? Do you feel the same way in Joey feels? Do you ever not like hearing, like, this script you wrote?

Do you ever feel like, oh, I don't want to hear, I don't want to say, see them shoot this or? Yeah, I mean, again, I'm like most actors. I don't like listening to my voice. I mean, I have a hard time, you know, watching myself. But I normally play psychotics and upbeat power. But not with your script.

Do you enjoy watching your movies or? Oh, yeah. It depends on the movie, though. I mean, you know, like some of the dramas I don't watch it all anymore, but like very mean men, which is my favorite black comedy as cool gangster, comedy between the Irish and Italian. And again, it's set out in the San Fernando Valley and North Hollywood like to look alike instead of back eastward they normally would be because there's

a little twist to it, you know. And I've watched that movie probably, you know, 15 times. I mean, I just love it because it's a very clever, cool hit movie and it's got a lot of really kind of black comedy in it that I like. That's my specialty. How do you deal with self-promotion? Because like the word is, is network? working and it feels gross, I think, for most people.

Like, as a comic, you go up and you do sets. Like, you don't really have readings that often for stuff you write. Like, how does that work for someone? Well, I mean, you know, people get carried away on Facebook with that stuff, which I just don't think it's, you know, the right place. I mean, once in a while, if I have a reading of something, I'll invite people. But, I mean, you know, people are just shamelessly self-promoting themselves, which is a little much for me.

But, you know, you should, you know, have managers and agents do the promoting for you for the most part. I mean, but, you know, it's always a thin line. You've got to be out there, you know, doing your thing. Now, you used to be part of a Monday night group or something. One night a week you guys would get together and read other people's scripts. Yeah, yeah. Are you still part of it? No, not anymore.

I was for many years in a group. that workshop scripts and they still get together yeah they're still going yeah and I started making movies and moved on I went into some other groups and stuff and I'll still get around to it

you know but again normally I'll just get a group of people and have my own reading of the script and so forth and yeah it's you know

I'm playing a little redneck in a movie coming up in two weeks. I'll enjoy that. I'm from Southie, but I play rednecks. I don't know why. I'll have like a beard, and you won't even recognize. Plus, I won't even talk with the same accent. I'll have that redneck accent, which, you know, that's always fun, too. I don't like actors just play themselves over and over.

If you look at my reel, you'll see, like, there's eight different guys. There's an Irish accent. There's an Mexican, you know, not Mexican, but, you know, redneck and so forth. you know but uh you know but you're gonna deal with a little bit of typecasting you know it's all the risk to it you're gonna get what you're gonna get i'm never gonna play the like the nice father and nice guy and i'm gonna play a little bit of the offbeat cycle bad guy or whatever well i like that you've sold scripts like most people wouldn't even fucking talk to you after they sold one script never mind six or seven scripts you've had some movies made but you still

we'll play an actor for two or three days and that lets me know that you're uh you know there's something to that I've always respected that well I you know it's I I love that you do whatever the fuck you gotta do like you said earlier

I do it for free I do for 100 bucks I do it for 100 or a day whatever they're going to give me I'm going to do it and depending on the amount of money they pay me is not going to decide on how good of a job I'm going to be I'm going to do the same bang-up job no matter what I'm getting

fuck yeah whether it's just a reading for free or a hundred bucks a day or whatever I'm going in all out all out Fuck these motherfuckers. Because that's my reputation. That's my name.

That's my, when I'm selling out there, you know what I'm saying? I'm like, an Irish and shit. You know, when I fucking saw Harold Ramis and Stripes, and then he directed me, I seen him in fucking whatever. And then, I love all that stuff. I love when people don't get pigeon held somewhere. I love to write a blog. I love to do a podcast.

If somebody calls me for a fucking movie, I'll do a movie. I don't give a fuck at this point. This is what we do. We express it. whatever I'm not I'm not sitting here telling you I'm an artist because I'm not I'm just a fucking felon fucking comic You know who does this shit I just love every aspect of it You know I wish I don't I would never direct because I don't want to be that guy That comedian that needs to direct or anything that's not my genre

But I love the writing aspect of it I love what you do man I've always wanted you on the podcast I love that was it's an honor and a privilege to be here a lot's a lot of fun and Yeah, I You know, I'm just I love writing, acting And the whole deal I love directing. That was like the best moment of my life

Finally, so I look forward to Hopefully directing And then Having more movies made And acting anytime I can So We're gonna put Lee in your next fucking movie

All right, we'll put Lee in there Man, but it must be kind of cool Because you don't, you never have to You could write, you never have to retire Like you and Joey, you don't Like you could be writing for as long as you live. It's not like a regular job

where at 65 you have to quit. Yeah, like you gotta retire like Derek Jeter at 40. Yeah. You must be honest. Well, that part's good. Yeah, like writers get better. Like you must, you must, if they sat you,

if they brought you into a room and a new guy right out of college, no matter what class he took, you must just blow them right out of the water. I don't, I don't know. I don't know about that. What are you going to do, Lee? What the fuck?

I'm going to give some shout-outs on my main man, Joe Ondo, Corey Layton, Hugh Fitzgerald. I'll see you in class next week, cock-sucker, John Wolf G, Jared Holt, Lee Krikarnas, and Maddie D. I love you, Cock-Suckers always, you know. See, we learned something tonight. You learned about writing, you learned about fucking dreams.

And that's it. Now you want to know, you want to come out of it? It ain't no fucking catwalk, Lee. You fucking realize it. You lucked out. We're having a great time. We shot videos. We shot documentary.

We've done some fucking shit, and it's all our own. This is what the best time, what's going on right now is that you can do everything on your own if you really want to do it. There's no more excuses. You can buy a camera for 10 bucks. You can edit it on fucking line now. You know, there's web pages to help you do everything. They even have fingers to put on your dick now.

To help you jerk off. They do everything now online. There's nothing. If you have a dream, if you want to shoot a film, if you want to animate, they have everything available online. Fucking YouTube will teach you how to make a fucking cake. YouTube has every instructional on there, how to write a book, how to write a screenplay.

So the only thing that's holding you back in today's society is you. When he got into this shit and I got into this, when you're from fucking Jersey or, I'm mad. Like my buddy wants to him, I have a friend that holds the wires for people in California. You know, many times I bugged that guy? How many times I called that guy and said, hey, hooked me up in California? I didn't even know what I wanted to do. I didn't even know.

He was like, what the fuck do you want to do? I don't know. I want to be like Steven Seagal, fly through the... I didn't even know. I had no fucking idea, you know? But it's amazing, the hard work and the patience. Especially with the, again, the equipment today you can do it all. Anything.

You can do it all. My first short film was done on 35-millimeter film, and that cost like $32,000. today you could make that same movie for like a thousand so the excuses are over cocksuckers that's what the church is about grab your balls get a knife and go in there and get what's yours let me give us a shout out to the fucking sponsors we got some good shit for you as usual

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Sometimes you're going to get your dick suck. You get a detour. There's traffic on the 405. Your nuts get a little stinky, not with meondies.com. Where are you going to get that type of information? Nowhere. All right, then. Who the fucking thing? And I gave you a night off. No edibles because you say you didn't feel good. Thank you. for you. You're in or you're out tonight? You out tonight? All right. Don't come crying to meet tomorrow. I don't feel good. What are you got tomorrow? Anything?

No. You're picking up all tomorrow? What are you guys doing? Maybe Friday if I feel better? Friday, what are you going to do? You're going to run around the park naked? That's what we do every weekend. This fucking guy hooked up with a nice Mexican chick, a little Jew guy. Where's going to get that shit out here? Sweet.

In Boston, you'd have a little Jew girl right now in your house watching Lawrence Welk with your fucking mother holding hands, talking about fucking your bar mitzma. See what I'm saying? everything changed for you Cucksucker It's amazing You got some nice Mexican fucking onion there

You eat that fucking Have you eating that ass yet? Oh The ass? No What are you waiting for? It's a year Yeah

Told her you love her right Yeah I gotta eat that ass And prove it to She doesn't want me to It's not What to her? How many times I got a fucking time?

Yes it is It's not up to her You gotta tell a Tendover The Jew tongue is coming In your muffler It's over You don't even have to tell them

Just sit there And watch their eyeballs Fucking get all open And that fucking monkey just open up from behind. Wouldn't you stick that tongue in their asses? I don't know about you, but I was raised. If I'm going to lick someone's asshole, I'm going to tell them.

You have to tell them nothing. That's disgusting. Tell us somebody you to lick their asshole. That's fucked up. You just lick it and then let them talk about it to your breakfast in the morning with that shit bread. You know what I'm saying? I love you guys. Stay black. What are we playing today? I don't know. What do you want to play? How about backing the saddle since I got my Boston people here to

and a little aerosmith for you motherfuckers? Or Seasons or Withers, something from the early stuff. When they represented Boston, not this shit. They're singing down. I'm a... Amogettis. Whatever the fuck they do. I love you guys. Stay black.

Have a great weekend. Go to Joey Diaz.net for all your fucking dates. Paul Murray, I love you. Cogsucker. Paul, what... Do you have a movie? If people listening... Do you have anything... If you had one movie, people should watch,

what would be? All of them. Very mean men. It's a little bit... It's tougher to find the United States. Boilermakers on Amazon. Okay. Awesome.

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