The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #211 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 7, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, November 7th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com This episode is also brought to you by DraftKings & Heart & Soil… DRAFTKINGS Support the show by downloading the DraftKings Sportsbook App and using code JOEY. If you or someone you know has a gambling problem, crisis counseling and referral services can be accessed by calling 1-800-GAMBLER (1-800-426-2537) (IL/IN/LA/MI/NJ/PA/TN/WV/WY), 1-800-NEXT STEP (AZ), 1-800-522-4700 (CO/NH/KS), 888-789-7777/visit http://ccpg.org (CT), 1-800-BETS OFF (IA), 877-8-HOPENY/text HOPENY (467369) (NY), visit OPGR.org (OR), or 1-888-532-3500 (VA). 21+ (18+ NH/WY). Physically present in AZ/CO/CT/IL/IN/IA/LA(select parishes)/MI/NH/NJ/ NY/OR/PA/TN/VA/WV/WY only. $200 in Free bets: New customers only. Min. $5 deposit. Min $5 pre-fight moneyline bet. $200 issued as eight (8) $25 free bets. Bet must win. Stepped Up: 1 Token issued per eligible game. Opt in req. Min $1 bet. Max bet limits apply. Min. 3-leg. Each leg min. -300 odds, total bet +100 odds or longer. 10+ leg req. for 100% boost. Ends at the start of the main card fight of UFC 281. See eligibility & terms at sportsbook.draftkings.com/mmaterms.   Heart & Soil Go to https://heartandsoil.co/?utm_source=Podcast&utm_medium=linkinbio&utm_campaign=Diaz & use code JOEY10 for 10% off your first order.    Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings   The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint4

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, press in code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? The joint is brought to you by Draft Kings. Listen, it's Monday and this week, UFC 281 is live from New York motherfucking city. Feel the heat of the fucking Octagon with Draft King. Sportsbook, the official sports betting partner of the UFC.

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You want to be in fucking shape next year. Try out heart and soul. You won't be fucking sorry. Offer applies to one-time purchases, not subscriptions. Try them today and see how they feel now Let's get ready to get this party start on a Monday morning What up, you bad motherfuckers? It's Monday

It's a whole new fucking month A whole new set of rules With six weeks away From fucking holidays Tricky tricky is over Thanksgiving is two weeks away And I'm fucking excited It was a great weekend

A lot of shit happened I want to congratulate The Houston Astros for fucking winning the World Series I caught the last inning of the game last night I was busy all there I forgot there we were playing and it's fucking weird man

I'm still a little kid at heart when I watched the last out and I saw them all jumping up and down and shit and I felt bad for Philly because Philly played a great game they got the great series great playoff run

they got nothing to be fucking embarrassed about I can't wait to get down there fucking to the show on the night before Thanksgiving but I was watching something like I'm still like a fucking American wannabe. Because I'm sitting there and I saw the, I swear to God, the shit that gets me

is the dumbest shit in the world, but it just lets you know that you're living in the best country in the world, man. The World Series is as American as can be. I go watch basketball. I love watching football. You know, I watch the UFC, whatever.

Nothing gets me more than like the World Series. I don't know what it is. And I tell what else I like. I like the Final Four. something about the final four, those young college kids, winning and stuff like that, their moms in the fucking audience, you know, like proud of their kids. That's always done something for me because I didn't have parents. But last night during the World Series, one of the guys won and his daughters were out there with him.

And he was walking with his daughters and they were fucking happy. And I'm like, God damn, I never get to fucking do something like that. I would love to do something like that. I still remember watching fucking Michael Corrin as a kid. at the NCAA in 76 and going that to me like I love stand-up comedy I love you know movie stars Clint Eastwood and all that but to me like winning the NCAA and standing there your parents and the fucking just something and when I saw Michael Corrin he was a Jersey City boy and I was a kid I didn't think fucking New Jersey people ever did anything I really didn't except Sinatra you know

so when I was watching the semifinals against you and LV that year and they said O'Corn was from New Jersey. I was like, what the fuck? And then they said something about St. Anthony's. I'm like, ah, that's got to be a different St. Anthony's than Jersey City. But that Monday night when they played in the finals and I saw Jersey City, New Jersey and fucking St. Anthony's, my head exploded as a little kid. I never forgot that.

And it's the same thing when I watched the World Series last night. When they fucking were getting interviewed, I watched like 10 minutes. I turned it off before the kid got the MVP, the 23-year-old. old kid, but you know what, man, baseball's over. That just lets you know we're close to the fucking Thanksgiving. And baseball went all the way to fucking November this year. November fucking 5th. That's fucking crazy.

But I want to thank everybody who came out to the show on Wednesday night. I had a fucking blast out there with Felicia Lee, Mike. It was great. The people from Draft Kings came out. my, you know, when I do the shows now, my niece was there, George was there with fucking his sister and her friend, the guys from Laughing Gas were there, the guys from Stoner's clubs were there.

Listen, man. I went to neighbor. Yeah, the neighbors were there. We gave Manetabal. It was fucking great. It really was. And I do these shows, and, you know, you get into New York City.

Like, I don't get excited, Tom, in the Lincoln, tunnel. Like it's great. When I'm on the three, I see my grammar school. I see where the ice man put the body into the hotel. I see all these things that kind of bring me back a little bit. I fucking love it. When I go on to the Lincoln Tunnel, I'm like, I've been going through that fucking tunnel. It seemed like for a hundred years. When I come off that tunnel and I'm headed into Jersey, I've been doing that since I was a fucking kid, man. So going into New York, when you go into Lincoln Tunnel, you know, for a minute or two, you're like, fuck, one of the one of these bricks going to fucking fall out.

I'm going to be like fucking Ernest Borgna and a Poseidon Adventure. But then you get out, and the energy in New York City is fucking great. And, you know, I don't care how tired you are or whatever. As soon as you fucking get into New York City, there's just a buzz in the air. I was watching Mike's video of him walking through the city, you know.

Listen, man, I've been everywhere, and nobody does it like New York City with that energy when you're crossing the street. whole fucking thing and it stinks and there's a dead rat on the floor that never happens anyway you know so we get the sony hall and you know it was fucking backed for a wednesday night i think they oversaw tickets i think i had too many guests but holy shit there were people everywhere there was reefer everywhere when you're on stage you see everybody hitting the fucking vapor pens one of the dudes from my patreon hit me up and he goes you're

Joey, it's like being at a dead concert. And it really feels like a dead concert because you can't bomb. He can't bomb. Listen, I'm not having the best sets of my life. I'm trying new shit out that, you know, and you can't bomb. You can't bomb because there's so much love in the room. Lee got it. Fucking, but Felicia did great.

They were happy to see Felicia. George Perez fucking did a great job. Stu Feina is always a, fucking trip. You know, he really is a trip. I love that he shows up. He's just, he's a great fucking guy and he's out of his bird.

He really is out of his bird. When we're downstairs talking after the show, fucking George showed up with pastries. Oh, that was from George? They were delicious. Oh, my God. I forget the name of this place from Ridgefield Park.

But they got the best lobster tails. Everybody was walking around with a glob of cream on their shirt. That's why I told George, I go, George, cut those fucking lobster tail

and half. I saw a leap bite into one and he had it all over his fucking he had it all over his beard and shit. Those lobster tails are so fucking good.

The canolies were on point. You know, I had the chicken, the chicken, he brought some chicken downstairs. They're just good fun nights. Can I do a whole week

into that? No. I was so fucking tired on Thursday. Holy shit. And the party started on Tuesday night with the mushrooms and the fucking edibles. Poor Lee thought he had a lobster claw for a fucking hand. He kept telling me that at the restaurant he couldn't pick up the dish and shit.

Then we came back and we watched The Thief and, you know, Lee is a fucking trip. Wednesday night we came back. We hung out for like 10 minutes. We were both wiped out. And fucking Thursday night. Holy shit. Lee left at like 9.30 and I went right to bed guy. I walked into the stairs

He walked out I had an option to come back and watch TV And I was like I'm gonna at least try it I went upstairs I hit the crib I don't remember falling to sleep All I remember is being eight hours And fucking the uh

The fucking whoop watts That's the biggest sleep I've ever had I was just tired Those nights take a lot out of me Because I'm fucking you know I get butterflies Listen man I get butterflies It's crazy It's crazy

you never you always think when you're a performer any type of performer whether you're a magician whether you're fucking a musician I love the butterflies I love being scared and I love being focused

I love that feeling of the borderline puking I never guys I've never puke before I said but I've had a lot of dear friend comics that have puked they used to bark before their sets. I've never been that bad.

But I'll tell you what, man, the butterflies are just tremendous when you mix it with the THC. Thank God. No, I had no mushrooms in my system because the fucking stairs. You got to walk up and down stairs there like two flights.

And whenever I eat mushrooms, I get winded. For some reason? Is that, okay. Yeah, I get fucking, I don't know, like when I take the shroom tech, it gives you a little bit of breathing room. But when I take psilocybin mushrooms, no matter whether they're mushrooms, the gummies,

whatever the fuck I take, I'm telling you, man, I just have a hard time breathing, and then if I'm high, by the time I'm reaching for my breath, I start getting anxiety, I don't like that, so I don't take the mushrooms

until I get off the stage. Once we get off that motherfucking stage, I stop popping those silly mushrooms, and I eat like four or five of them just to set. Like, I built my tolerance to them now so I can eat a whole bag. My brother's eating a whole bag at night.

He eats 10 fucking just, to fucking walk around in the afternoon. But you know what, man? I feel a lot better since I'm eating the mushrooms. I feel a lot better since I'm microdosing. I get better sleep. I got a lot better clarity. And that's all that fucking matters, man.

We're all right. But I got to tell you what I did learn about Wednesday night, which really dawned on me in a weird way. George Perez. George Perez, listen, I don't have to watch you. I've been doing comedy for 30 fucking years. I've been studying comedy. I don't have to watch you.

I like sitting behind the stage and listening. When I got into stand-up comedy, I listened. I didn't go, I was fucking eight the first time I listened to a stand-up comedy album. That's how stand-up was introduced to me. It made you sit down and listen. For years, from the time I was, I don't know, 10, 11, to my mother died. that bedroom we would have listing parties three times a week.

People in this country have forgotten that and they were so much fucking fun. They were so much fucking fun. People forget those listing parties and what it did for certain people. Listing parties are when people come over like I don't know how many times on Saturday nights I knew my mom was working until three or four

and I get my friends at like fucking seven. We'd get like a, I don't know, two six packs of beer, two eight packs of nips, you know, whatever the fuck they call them. And we'd drink them at a park or something. We'd get a nickel bag from Puerto Rican Nelson. We'd smoke seven of the five of the seven joints of the nickel bag. We'd put Visina in our eyes. We'd fucking eat chips. We'd fucking go to the diner and fucking torture the waitress and laugh at the face.

And then we'd shoot to my house. and we put on either a prior album, either a Led Zeppelin album, either an earth-winning fire album. I remember nights we put on a couple albums. The albums in those days were like Ted Nugent, not even double live gonzo. I think it was Wang Dang Sweet Puntang, that album, the live album or something. Oh, no, it was Cat Scratch Fever.

That's what we listened to. We were just kids, but I had no idea I was preparing myself to listen. I loved it I loved you know in the 50s you see all these people who would just sit around radios and listen to the green hornet there was no fucking TV

they listened and for years I loved doing those listening parties just I still remember to listen to Led Zeppelin two of my buddies and being fucked up and all of us standing up and playing the air guitar and singing

and it was just the shit you do when you're on drugs but I enjoyed those nights I enjoyed listening I don't know when I listened to those Richard Pryor albums or Red Fox albums

or George Carlham albums Lenny Bruce albums or Bob Newhart albums I always enjoyed you could hear the energy in the room what's going on

in the fucking room like you can hear the waitresses there's so much smoke in the room it comes through the fucking speakers like you could just feel it

when you really immerse yourself into what's coming out of there. Anyway, enough with that shit. So I'm sitting there listening to George Perez's set. And I didn't even watch him. Just his timing was fucking impeccable. George Perez's timing was fucking impeccable.

You know, it was my show that night, but it was George Perez's night. and just from a comic point of view watching somebody improve that much I mean I haven't seen George I bumped you know when I went to LA I saw George George and I talk all the time

I watch his podcast I watch his fucking videos you know all the Mexican stuff and I see what he's doing in LA and I know he's working on as is Di Agostino my friend Diagostino I heard is fucking becoming a killer

I hear Eric Roach is becoming a killer Lee is becoming a little killer He's just finding his fucking way But Lee is a very good writer But to get back to George Perez And what I learned that night For all the young comics That asked me questions and whatnot

This is always a good thing on a Monday morning I learned that While I was sitting there First of all, the comedy store It's still the best place in the world To get your timing up I have never seen that. I remember walking into the comedy store

and years later people coming up to me going, Joey, we haven't seen you in 18 months. You're fucking timing. You're timing. You know what timing comes from? Listening. Listening. And I swear to God,

I did thousands of shows and thousands of sets, but never in my life that I feel the improvement from those three-minute spots on Sundays, those 15-minute spots during the week, you know, having to bring up somebody. When you do a show, you have an MC at the comedy store, you bring yourself up. And I don't mean to harp

on the comedy store. But when I hear somebody like George Perez doing what he's doing, I can't think of anything else. And I know George works, and I know George does he does a lot of spots in other places. The store gives him three fucking, but I heard Ryan,

I saw a stand-up comedy I saw Ryan Sickler stand up the other day and I was like, Ryan has fucking improved a lot. Why? They all got past at the comedy store. In that short period of time, if you really believe what you're doing in your sets and you really comprehend what's going on in the store,

listen, first time you start going up in the store, it's like going to jitics, it's like doing anything else. You're just trying to fucking survive. You're just trying to survive, you know, like, you're like, I'm just going to go up. there and try my best. You try to survive and you try enough to fucking bomb when you're a comic. You know, and then after a couple weeks, you start getting the hang of it. But you don't get the hang of it. We'll get to that later. You start getting the hang of it.

You don't even know what's really going on. You're very excited. You're at the, you're regular at the comedy store. Things are moving. Things are starting to happen. I might as well call fucking, uh, Howard Stern and tell him to suck my dick. There's a new sheriff in town. You get all these thoughts in your head. You're excited. But once that settles in, you start paying attention. And the good thing about the story is when you do a comedy set on the road. Like if you call me tomorrow and go, Joey, book me at the Stress Factory in Jersey, Wednesday through Saturday.

That's four nights. That's two six shows, two on Friday, two Saturday, and two during the week, right? by the time Friday comes Friday third show like Friday early but at the time Friday late show comes along

you're pretty loose you've already known the room you know what the headline is going to do if he has a set list you know what the MC's going to do if she has a set list or he has a set list or they have a set list just in case for the people you know

adjectives are big now for all these fucking things but when you're You go to the store, the improv, the laugh factory. If you go off there four nights, you're going to see four different comics. That's 16 comics. You're going to see if you stick around and pay attention. You know, some people just go in the back and drink and whatever.

Yeah, that's what I did too. But I also pay the attention. I go in there early. Like I tell people, my favorite thing in the world is to get stone to the gills in the fucking car, walking to the original room, go all the way in the back with me and Jason Lucas. to sit. Not in the Mitzie's chairs, but all the way in the back back there.

Nobody would even interrupt you. Why fucking sit in one of these chairs? Somebody's going to come and a paying customer is going to come. During the week, sit all the way in the back, the last row back there in the dungeon. If you put on a black sweatshirt, nobody even knows you're fucking there. That's how great that is.

You're sit in the back and watch four or five comics, and you learn so much. Now you're watching and you're incorporating the listening aspect of it. But here's the beauty of all this that I learned from George Perez that I've said for fucking years. And I've told you why when people come to see my shows, now when people hit me up on emails and I'm like, Joey, we really come see you, we want to get sets. I'll tell them right off the bat. Listen, guys, you're not losing on anything.

You're not losing out of anything. Trust me, I'm telling you, there's young comics out there that are fucking killing it right down that you don't know who the fuck they are. It's time that you got the fucking known. Jimmy Florentine was in whatever the fuck last week. He was at in Austin last week. He went to the Vulcan on Thursday night, and I saw the pictures online. And I saw that three or two floors at the Vulcan. I've never been in there.

But there were people hanging off the fucking rafters. It was like, holy shit. The next day I called him when he was in Dallas, and he was like, Joey, what I witnessed yesterday was fucking tremendous. He goes, I saw a bunch of young comics that are fucking going for it. Like, they're just fucking going for it. They're saying, fucked up jokes that are talking about weird shit on stage, and they don't give a Frenchman's fuck. And the audiences are eating it up. And he goes, not like in New York where people are playing.

playing to the audiences and L.A. where people are playing to the audiences. L.A. and New York have already put in the woke implementations. A lot of clubs are booking just woke comics. You know, just they're doing shows to make people giggle instead of heavy hitters and people who say weird things. I'm okay with that, you know. But it was really good for Jimmy to say that. He goes, if I was a young comic right now, I come here.

because there are, you know, 20 million places to do comedy. And you're watching comics, you're fucking, you're living, snorting, chewing, eating, sleeping, shitting comedy. And that's what I'm getting to right now. You know, when I was sitting back there listening to George. And I tried new material this week. It worked. I've been trying to polish it up a little bit.

But during the week, guys, listen, like I told George, I go, George, my life has changed a lot. for me to fucking put my sneakers on at night and go do this out it's not working for me and I talked to a good friend of mine Rob Rob Schaefer we went out to lunch last week before he went to Miami and we were talking about training at night how for a while that I was doing okay I wasn't going to jihitsu at night I was just going to the gym at night

one night a week I said I'm going to go to the gym and do a pretty fucking decent workout 45 minutes ride the bike and I stuck to it I stuck to it until I went down to the OB. And then when I came back from the Outer Banks, you know, shit got crazy with girls softball, practice on Tuesdays, game on Wednesday, so I lost it. And I still go to the gym one night a week, even if it's just to ride the bike. I go to the gym, I do a couple downward dogs. I do shit like that.

But I told him, I go, I got to start going to jujit. I got to change my life around. I got to start going to jih Tijuana. And he goes, listen, I know you don't like it, but go, just go Wednesday nights. Make a goal to go one night a week. and starts small. He goes, because see, the night classes you could participate in all three classes

should be a tremendous workout. I'm just an old man. I don't have no energy at night, but I have to just start going to the core classes at night. And those are the classes where you don't roll and then do it slowly, even though I'm tired, you know, just go, take the chances.

But anyway, that's got nothing to do of what we're talking about here. You know, at night, I just like staying in with my family for fucking so many years. I always had to go somewhere at night That now it's kind of fucking nice This week I'm thinking My family has to go to Pennsylvania

For a fucking sawpaw tournament If I don't go with them Like Friday night I want to go see Porvizi Paul's at the Stress Factory this weekend Tom Popper's at Red Bank on Saturday night I was thinking of going Maybe going to get a bite with him In Red Bank or maybe he comes here

And we'll go to Olnito or cousins or something I don't know I don't know But I need to start going out during the week, not even to do comedy. How about let's start with getting fucking entertained? That's a lot of people forget. You got to get fucking entertained, you know?

My nights suck. So when I'm sitting there listening to George, and this applies to everybody. You know, guys, until 2007, from 2002 to 2007, I would get harassed constantly. constantly constantly and it was

the weirdest form of harassment I had maybe eight or nine comedians eight or nine of them that would call me once a week and tell me how bad their life was going and me being the nice guy that I am I would talk to them about you know dog

you know you just got to hang in there we're in L.A this is the major leagues I mean I'm not doing any better than you But at the time I was booking like TV shows Like I was booking like mad TV And I had done analyze that Where I had three lines and got shot But for some reason When I was getting those roles

These guys were thinking like You know I was getting ahead of them And to me those roles didn't mean shit It was just getting experience But these guys would call me And like put guilt trips on me Like dog I don't know what the fuck is going on I never got a movie

I never got a TV show I never got a guy like Rogan to take me on the road, you know. Well, I'll tell you what, I never asked Joe to take me on the road. I would get on stage 1145 every night. And if he had a set, I had a set. And eventually he decided I was a hard

worker and he gave me the opportunity to open up on the road. These stupid TV shows I'm getting and stuff like that, I get him because I go to acting class, I believe in it, I work it, and I get an opportunity and I learn how to finally be, bro, you got to remember, from 97 to fucking two, I auditioned three times a fucking week and didn't get shit.

I felt like fucking taking a swan dive many a night. But I got to the source. I got into acting class and started meeting people and talking to other fucking people and see what they were doing. I got into acting class to see what actors would do to hustle work. And I learned how to fucking hustle acting work. I started putting auditions on tape and we got the longest yard and an American gangster and all these stupid fucking movies,

but I didn't get those movies because, I don't know, I got them because I was working. And see, while everybody was talking shit about me, Joey Dears is a Coke Feen, Joey Dears is this, Joey Dears is that. That's what got to them more that they couldn't figure out what I was doing. Well, I'll tell you what I was doing.

I was working it. I was working it. Well, I was sitting there, listen to George Perez, and thinking what he was putting into it, I still remember me, Josh Wolf, and Ralphie Mae. chipping in for fucking, you know, a lunch between the three of us and maybe my envelope was lighted in the bolt of theirs. And us talking about what we were doing and Josh was writing

and Ralphie Mae was at the Lab Factory and I'm taking stupid acting classes. I would give my life to be back to that situation again when you're a hustling fucking comic. When you're getting up at fucking nine and your whole... I mean, listen, I used to get up at nine. I would never be at some coffee shop fucking giggling

or hanging out with other comics or playing Frisbee or smoking dope or I did that. I could count on my hands how many times I did that shit. We worked, man. I got a call from a friend of mine that was telling me, man, I didn't know you. Me, George Perez, Silent Bob, Felipe Sparser, Rick Ramos.

We used to have our own acting class. We all went to acting classes. We saw what the fuck they did in acting class and we could do the same thing. So every Tuesday for about a year. We would meet on Tuesdays, do a pseudo-acting class, outside of the fucking park,

and then go get super fucking stoned and buy edibles. But you understand, we put in the fucking work. You know, Felipe, Willie Barsena, Rudy Moreno. I mean, these guys,

you know, Marilyn Martinez, got a rest of soul our anniversary was last week. These fucking people were out. Not every night. Not every night. every minute, every minute.

I still remember, I didn't, listen, I stopped going to weddings and functions and bars and shit because, honestly, I didn't want to talk about your stupidity. All I wanted to talk about was comedy and how to get better. That's all I had on my fucking mind. There was no, when Mike would come up to me, do you know what me and Mikey did this weekend? I really don't give a fuck, you know what I'm saying?

Kids are the last thing in my mind, and I don't want to hear about fucking kids. and I lost a lot of friends from not doing certain functions and going to weddings and going to sporting events and stupid parties and back-for-parties. But in retrospect, I didn't give a fuck because I didn't move out there to do all that shit. I moved out there to work on my craft.

And my point being, the reason why George Perez improved so much, and guys, this runs across the board. I'm talking about comedy, but this runs if you're a plumber, a guitar player, a writer, a fucking movie editor, the whole thing. You know how many fucking people would call me and say different things to me? And I would always ask them the same thing. What did you do last week? And all these people that used to call me, like how I stopped from them calling me,

how I stopped getting these people to call me, I didn't fucking ever yell at them and go, get the fucking work. I would say to him, what did you do last week? Well, my sister had a birthday party in Laguna Beach, and I went down there for three days. When you were down Laguna Beach, did you do any sets? Did you think of going to that contest? No, we were partying and having a good time. What did you do Thursday when you came back?

Oh, fucking Johnny had a fucking barbecue combination party at his backyard. We did comedy. Okay, what did you do Friday? I went to a movie with my girlfriend. What did you do Saturday night? Saturday I had a show and fucking. in an AA meeting. Okay, listen, so what you're telling me is you got on stage two times.

You live in Hollywood. You live in L.A. And you're telling me you got on stage two fucking times. Well, how many times I got on stage last week? And granted, I'm a fat fuck. I'm 360 pounds. I'm snorting coke. I'm broke.

I got on stage 22 times last week. What do you mean? But see, you know people. Your friends with Rogan. Don't put Rogan into the fucking equation. Monday I started a Latino night. Then I went over and did an open mic at the fucking comedy store. And then from there I got in my car and I met George Perez down in a fucking a bar

we used to do on Monday nights that the open mic started at 11. We wouldn't get home until 2 in the fucking morning. There was a Chinese restaurant that wouldn't serve us because we were in Chinese gangsters. There was a donut place. I mean, dog, we would eat chicken wings from this bar that when you would bite into him, You can see the veins. Oh, my God, you have no fucking idea what we put up with. And then we got home at 8, and I got up in the mornings, and I looked at breakdowns.

And then from there, I fucking smoked pot, and I did this, and I put auditions on tape. And then we went to the con. Tuesday night was a fucking, you know, it was African-American night, the comedy store. You go down there, hustle to get a spot. What I'm trying to say is, whether you're a plumber, whatever the fuck you do. If you're going to grow doing something, you have to live it, chew it, sniff it, fart, it, fuck it, suck it. You got to do everything to this fucking thing.

If not, listen, it might work out for you. But believe me, between you and me, it's not going to. How do I know? Because of what's going out with my life right now. When I go on stage, yeah, I'm funny, I'm writing, I got new jokes, but

it's not the Joey Diaz that was going on stage two nights a fucking night, two times a night, three, four years ago. It's not the Joey Diaz that was doing a comedy podcast, constantly surrounding himself with, you know, America's best comics, and your mind is always thinking, I don't have that mind no more. I've been saying it for a week, yeah, I crack funny jokes when I'm driving around.

I giggle when I get eyes, shit like that. But to have that fucking machine gun mind that constantly, you got to work that thing every day. It's a fucking muscle like anything else. So if you're a fucking lawyer and you're just doing a bare minimum and then five years from now, you're like, how come nobody makes me a partner? Well, the guy in the other room works for he fucking has a cotton here. And on the weekends, he goes to conferences, and he learns about the new fucking miracle marijuana laws or whatever the fuck.

And even though, like, I didn't want to be an actor, but I didn't want to get on a fucking set years from there and not know what I was going to do. I never thought I'd get in a big movie, but guess what? I ended up in one. Maybe because I had the confidence when I walked in that room to nail that fucking set. to some people like, oh, well, Joey's gay, he must have sucked his dick. Rogan must have called him.

That's the easy way out. That's what people who don't know the fucking business would say. That's the easier way out. You got to work it. And yes, I got help from Rogan. And yes, I got help from Dane Cook. And yes, I got help from Ralphie Mae. And yes, I got help from Gabriel Lacey's.

But during that whole fucking time, guess what I was doing? I was helping myself. I've met so many young comics the last, eight years that basically want you to do the fucking work for him and that's not going to happen I know five times six is 30

you know what bitch show me the fucking work show me the goddamn paper I know four times eight is 32 but you know what let's break it down show me where you carried the one you did the whole fucking thing I don't think anybody wants to do that today

and you know I applaud those young guys in Austin I applaud Joe Rogan that he's chasing it He kills it every opportunity that he can. You know, for me and my world, things like, you know, I just saw Bert was 50 this week. Good for Bert. I got to call him wishing a happy birthday. I wrote a thing on there, but I got to call him anyway.

It's funny. He's 50. At 50, I was stabbing motherfuckers. You guys know me. At 50, I was stabbing motherfuckers 10 years ago. I had the energy of 10 bulls, and I didn't mind fucking chasing him. But I'm getting to a part of my life right now that I don't even know if I want to fucking chase it. I enjoy doing it when I do it, but listen, I don't want to get on a plane.

I enjoy showing up to Uncle Vinny's, and I enjoy maybe Friday night going to San Paul Visiting if he asked me to do a spot, maybe I go up there, maybe, you know, the fucking, I never know. But I like that. I like that. For years, I lived, I fucking hated after my daughter was born that I go to a party and I had to leave in 10 minutes. I got to leave now.

Now I could just settle. I did my time. I did what I had to do. And it's just a fucking hobby. And I got no qualms with it. But I want people to know that if you want to improve in any aspect of something, if you want to fucking be the king of that, nothing's going to work part-time. I'm telling you right now, it's not going to work part-time.

It's your heart and your fucking soul that you got to put into this shit. And I'll tell you what, think about this podcast for 2023. You got to up it a little bit, guys. They're not fucking, the bluebird happiness, ain't even coming around like that motherfucker used to anymore. And you guys know and feel it, so you got to up it a little bit. If you're working 50 hours, maybe you've got to work 60. Maybe not work 60.

Maybe work 50 and learn about what you're doing 10 hours a week. Take a fucking class. But submit you, you know, indulge yourself in this shit. It's got to be over your head. Dog, I got dumped by two women who are like, you know, There's something wrong with you. You like fucking comedy more than pussy. No, I like comedy.

Comedy was first and cocaine was a second fucking, was a close tie and pussy was second. But when I was fucking hunting from 80, from 95 to 2019, when the pandemic came, I hunted, Jack. It was not a part-time thing. It was not a ha-ha-ha. He-he, there was no bachelor parties. There was no trips to the Bahamas.

There was no, there was nothing. For me, for me, that's the only way it worked. It didn't work by me doing it half. So if your career is staggering, whatever it could be, you're a plumber, a mason, a fucking electrician. You know, whatever the fuck it is, maybe take a look at yourself. Maybe you're not putting enough effort into this fucking game. Pretty fucking cool for a Monday fucking morning. And guess what else, cock suckers?

The movie I was doing is canceled. am I depressed Listen guys Things happen in your life And Project come and fucking go It's just this was the craziest year That I've ever had

For fucking acting the last three months From auditions To how they went down And you know what That was I'm pretty much done for the year Probably with auditions I'll probably get maybe one more

Maybe two more Who the fuck knows I don't give a fuck Yeah That's a more He got shut down for a few weeks, financing issues, whatever. Who the fuck knows?

I now have no goals. You know, I was going to be tight. I don't even think we were, I think I looked at the schedule. We were only going to be able to do one podcast a week. There was no way. There was no way we could do too. Because I was working every Tuesday, except Thanksgiving week. I have all.

But it was going to be like that until December 15. So everything happens for a reason. I'm not sad about it. Something else will come up. You know, I didn't get the De Niro movie, and that came up. And that's it, guys. And that's another, listen, that's why I was thinking about the effort you put into things. You know, I'm not in acting class.

I'm not talking to actors every day about what's going on or different auditions or whatever like that. So when you do get an audition now, you're fucking rusty as shit. So I learned something about me auditioning this time. And now I've got to take a little bit more time. Look at the, you know, I can't see anymore. So I have to use a teleprompter when I do the auditions. You know, I look at the auditions and I'm like, fuck, I'm staring at the teleprompter. You know, you can't find a teleprompter.

Like, sometimes I use one of these stands, like hanging the computer up and do it. It's not going to fucking work. You got to know these computers. You got to know the lines inside now. So. But, hey, it's Monday to 7th to fucking November. Tomorrow is election day. What advice?

I don't give a fuck. Who you vote for? Just get out there and vote. That's all the advice. People say, go out there and vote. I can't vote. But at the time I do the process, I spoke to the attorney a year ago about me,

you know, wiping my police record down. And that was about a year ago. That's the last time I heard from my time. I saw him at some party. How are you doing? I was going to ask him, whatever happened with that call. But I figured it out.

You have to everybody who's like the DA, they got to hunt them down. And say, hey, 25. years ago you convicted a kid on second degree burglary do you want to flip it and you'll go let me think about it forget it i'll just stay with the record no jewelry duty who gives a fuck don't forget you UFC this weekend big one draft kings has a deal for you that's it and that's that i love your cocks sucker stay black and i'll see you thursday morning dip top magoo all right you bad motherfuckers i want to thank you today we got a little short podcast but it's monday you got things to do

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Dot, capital C, slash capital O. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great Monday. Have a great week. And we'll see you Thursday morning. Tip Top Magoo.