The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #212 - Joey Diaz, Bert Kreischer and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 11, 2014

Comedian Bert Kreischer joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 09/10/2014. Music: Jay -Z Feat. Beyonce - On The Run Curtis Mayfield - Superfly

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box at NatureBox.com slash Joey. That's right. You get a free NatureBox snacks are found at NatureBox.com slash Joey. This show is also sponsored by Onit.com. Go there to get Alpha Brain, New Mood, Shroom Tech Immune, Shroom TechSport. anything like that and get 10% off when you use code word church at checkout.

The show is also brought to you by meundies.com. Go to meundees.com and check out the picks and different styles of the men's and women's underwear they have. Go to meetundies.com slash joey and get 20% off of your first order. That's 20% off of your first order when you go to meetundies.com slash joey. Show is also sponsored by NailedItLife.com. For all the oil and wax smokers out there, For the premier rapier pen on the market, go to NailedatLife.com and use code word Joey Diaz, no spaces, to get 20% off of your order. And lastly, the show is sponsored by hitesigs.com.

That's hitesig.com. The proof is in the ESIG, better tasting, longer lasting. Go to hitesig.com and use code word Joey's Church. That's Joey's Church to get 20% off your order. Oh shit! Oh shit A little Beyonce With that hot fucking black

Busyhards Singing it up God damn it I wish I was Jay Z I sniffed that fucking Pinklet Oh my God All right motherfuckers

What What The church Wiggly Oh shit Oh shitly I think you're going deep tonight We're going deeply

I know things are bad When Joe was talking I'm sorry. Where's the fucking music? Joey calls me about every two and a half hours and then the sooner or closer gets like every 15 minutes. He just calls me and says, Dr. Conrad, I just got a call from jail. Conrad Murray sent me the like- Kick the fucking music out before I stab you in the wall, Cocksuck. It's true.

Wednesday night, Coxsuck, there's the church of what's happened now. Get your shit together. It's all the 20th the night before the fucking missiles came out. Un-fucking believable. Oh, it's September 10th right now? Right now? Yeah, that's it. September 11.

Cut that shit, Lee. What? What the fuck is going on, you bad motherfuckers? Welcome to the church. Wednesday night, special edition. 20 of Life, no fucking parole. You understand me? My main man, Burke Kreis is here.

The flying Jews here is always fucking. He's still sick. Nah, the cough went away. It's almost gone. Yeah, for whatever reason, the past couple years, whenever I get sick, it goes straight to, like, my lungs. But I took your advice. I haven't really been doing anything.

I haven't been in the gym in almost a week. I made a couple edibles and calmed you down and sweat out. They did help a little bit. I don't. I don't fuck around. All right. Yeah, but it didn't need to have as much as you gave me. You got to listen.

Give me half a Cheapichu. What's the point? I gave you half. I spared your life. I should have gave you a whole fucking Cheapichu. But I could just hear it now. I don't feel good. My feet hurt.

I don't need that shit. We're men here. You eat the fucking thing and you move on with your life. Yeah, but it's called a Decker dose for a reason. It's called a Decker dose. It's not a Decker dose. That's what he's fucking Gentiles. It's called fucking Decados, which means I'm taking my dick out and I'm saying whatever

fucking happens happens. That's why it's called Deca dose. Look up the Greek fucking cinnamon for fucking Deca. Deca means I'm slinging dick, bitch. That's what it means, all right? What's happening, Bert Crash? I can't wait. I got the clock on Lee to see what.

Oh, you're like 20 minutes. I'm waiting a kick into his eyes. Fucking Lee ate a little fucking piece of it. I had like more than half. I had like three quarters. No, you did. Yes, I did. So it's fine.

You're used to this shit by now. You've been eating edibles for two years. Yeah. You should be eating my fucking ten fucking... It doesn't hit me as hard anymore, but it still hits me hard. We're got another one. We're gonna hold on and see it. I love that your voice is going, like, it's getting more mousy.

Well, because I have to defend my... People say I don't take edibles, and it's just because I don't take it on the air anymore. You want to take a rock candy with me? Not really. Why not? Because you just gave me the fucking thing that made Tom Segura, take it Uber. What happened with the Segura? Okay.

So. So he saw the piece that he had. Yeah. He gave Tom like an edge, like maybe 10% of that brownie. And he was fine during the podcast, but then apparently when he left here, he couldn't figure out how to get home and got kind of paranoid. So he had to call an Uber from the Ralph Sun Ventura, which is pretty hysterical. If you listen to how he described it on this podcast, it's pretty great. And you never had to call Uber.

I never put you in that predicament. I almost did. I've got it. I've dosed you 20 times. The pretty funny thing is, you know, You got mad when you heard that I might have been drinking and driving, but then edibles and driving you're cool with. Two different fucking stories. I could not drive.

I could not drive on edibles. Jesus Christ, I drive like Marion Dre. You do. There are people who can do that, and there are people who cannot. I am tremendous behind the fucking wheel. You know, the alcohol, if I pull you over and you're a cop, you can't get out of it. It's like driving a stolen car. You're in the fucking car.

There's no... There's no excuse. What's an attorney do? litigation? No, he lifts the doubt, reasonable doubt. Guess what? I'm in the fucking car and it's hot. There's no reasonable doubt.

I'm busted. You know, when you catch me the $100 bill that was picked up in a bank robbery, you can't pin the robbery on me. I picked that up in a liquor store. Where? I don't fucking know. But if you're sitting in a fucking car with booze on your breath,

there's nothing I can do for you. As an attorney. Yeah. That's why I don't drink and drive. I've never liked it. You can't get yourself out of it. I don't drink and drive. I don't drink and drive just because of the prospect of it changing your life forever.

Changing your life. Changing your life. If I said to you tomorrow, there's a chance that you're going to go out tomorrow night. Either one or two things will happen. Nothing will happen. You'll have a great night or you'll spend 10 years of your life or 30 years of your life in jail. You'd be like, what can I do to not spend 30 years? Oh, just don't drink and drive.

That's it. And it's tough when you're younger and you don't have money because you're like, fuck, a cap is $50. But when you think about it, the $50, there's $1.000. is well worth not going to jail and they're not having to pay for DUI and stuff like that. You can't make sense. You're not worried about the $50. You're thinking about that you should drive home.

Yeah? That's what you're thinking about. I could do this. It's like the stupid part of your fucking ego that says you could do this. But it's the same ego or it's the same part of your brain that tells you that, you know,

for years they tell you cigarettes are bad. People still smoke fucking cigarettes. They tell you McDonald's is bad. People still fucking, there's always a line that fucking McDonald's. So it's the same thing. It's the same thing. Don't drink and dry.

You're either going to kill somebody. Somebody's going to fucking kill you or you're going to get a fucking DUI. Did you notice that once you started eating healthy? Like we, the office is pretty close to us in an out burger. And like, whenever I, whenever I'm coming up to the office, the line's out the door into the street. And ever since I've been eating healthy,

I like, when I was in that line, I didn't think about it. But now that I haven't had it for like over two months, I'm like, wow. Oh, when you're eating healthy, I saw a woman eating an ice cream sandwich the other day. And I was like, bitch, that's just empty calories. Like, there's nothing to that. But you just watch you just eating this ice cream sandwich,

and she's a big woman. And you're like, don't you realize how much you're wasting on that? But then, but I get, I'm a hypocrite because I'll just kill like fucking 10 beers a night. And that's real empty calories. I love a fucking good chocolate, fucking ice cream sandwich, vanilla, two pieces of chocolate. That shit. Do you go to Menchies? I don't even know what my cheese.

Are you serious? Oh, Menchies? I saw, uh, I saw, uh, What's the black comic that He's got like a he's I'm gonna make him sound like he's Unattractive he's a great guy Big big black dude

Kind of looks like a You got a weird pointy kind of head Ice earthquake Not earthquake But the other guy No there's like three really big black comics He's like Oh the guy from Breaking Band

No no no no no Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I think that's him Yeah you'll see him at Menchies Yeah I saw him at Menchies And he pulled over and he was like What's up Bert? He went in by himself came out with like three ice creams and I was just like living large my my kids were like are those all for him I was like yep it's amazing that the other day I saw

something that was fucked up I saw a big chick that had calves and she was probably 28 but her calves were marbled with fat already she was ginormous and I was at the habit with the wife and the baby I was eating the salad habit so good the fucking the tri-tip salad is only 500 calories it's fucking delicious it's delicious it's delicious it's delicious With the tomatoes and the onions, it's fucking delicious. And I'm looking at this girl, and she's an attractive face. She's the typical really pretty face with a huge fat ass. But that's sick.

That thing, that ship sailed. She was just, at this point, she was just putting fat on top of fat. And it was so weird that she was getting a soda. And I told Lee later on that she must have gotten four sodas while she was there. And one soda to go. I've done that. Yeah, everyone does it. I mean, not everyone.

But Coca-Cola, not like... Not Diet Coke. Or water or a tea. You know, when you think about all the fucking calories in those five coax. And, hey, listen, one time I was at the Miami Improv, and a guy came up to me and said, not for nothing.

I counted how many sodas you drank tonight. You drink like 13. Because in those days, I didn't drink booze. I would just drink Coke. Yeah. You know, when you're drinking six-pack throughout the day, and then 13 to 14 glasses with icing it in the night, you don't even notice.

You don't even notice. You're drinking all those fucking... That's a ton of fucking amount. Yeah, that's like 1,300. That's at least, that's almost as much as you're supposed to have for the day. And you don't notice it until you start counting calories. You're like, fuck. Luckily, I never really got into regular soda.

But it's just... Really? I don't know. I've always had diet. I mean, there's always people joke like you go to McDonald's and then you get a diet Coke because you're watching your calories. I just thought regular Coke was too sweet. But, and people always say when you stop drinking, you lose weight,

and not really much of a drinker. I love Coke in a can. With ice cubes, there's nothing better than a coat. Root beer. Root beer. I had a grape soda the other day. Tremendous. Dude, grape soda, I had grape soda and hot wings, and I was like, oh, I'm living a fucking large.

When I was a kid, I used to get vanilla wafers and dip them in orange soda. Fucking delicious. Delicious. That's as dumb as can be. I bet it tastes like a, like a, what are those orange Julius? Fucking heaven. That's what it tastes like. Like, fucking heaven.

You know what I'm saying? How you feeling? Feeling great so far. You're going to be all serious. Like if I owe you $20,000. You're only 12 minutes in, Lee. I have eight more minutes. No, I'm going to be able to...

Probably. Somewhere around there. Today I ate a Chee-Bichu. I had to run around today and do a bunch of shit. And I had a carapract. I had a meeting. And I went home and I popped this... A deck of Cheapichu.

At like 1 o'clock. I was running a bunch of shit. I had to get plane tickets. You know, just shit that's TV. Yeah, three plane tickets, hotel. I had to make a call. I had to send a few. emails and I ate this

Cheba Chew and after a while the baby was asleep and said fuck I'm gonna go outside and get some son and write some jokes and I'm writing some jokes and all of a sudden this fucking Cheapachoo just fucking overwhelms me just fucking overwhelms me right and I had smoked some pot and I actually put my head back and I'm like wow

I love what you get like that it had to be about 10 a half to four and I put my head back and all of a sudden I heard like excuse me and I look up, I'm like this fucking salesman. And I look up and it's Bergey, our friend Bergey to Armenian. He's like, what are you doing? I'm like, Bergey, I am fucked up, you know. And he proceeds to tell me a story about his brother's arm

is stuck like this forever. And he has to, you know, his mother has to put like a fucking pocket over here. So you keep his hand in there. But his hand is like this. You know, and I'm like, did you get him a cape? You know, and I'm fucking. But the funny thing was when he was telling me a story about his brother, it's like anybody else telling you.

or a story about their family that has a disability, you know? And at first, you want to keep it as serious as you can't. But I'm going down deep with this Chebeau-Decca. I just burst out fucking laughing in the poor guy's face. And it was so overwhelming that I burst out laughing that I almost fainted because I was so embarrassed that I was laughing that it lifted everything, the anxiety level. But I couldn't keep us straight. And he kept going.

Like, yeah, he has to keep his own like this. And my mother made a jacket from him to stick his arm in. and I am like Napoleon yeah and I'm fucking freaking I'm surprised you like you let up and keep telling you because you could tell you got a stop did you get a cape like he's going to hide his face in it like this is the way

like if my hand was permanent like this I just get capes all day and walk sideways and walk that way you have at least one cape in your closet I know you I love him you have a cape somewhere wait what happened to capes when did they fall out

when these fucking idiots that were in tight jeans Caves have been around forever. There's no way you got... If you can't sling dick on a cape, you ain't slinging dick. I don't have a cape. I don't have a cape. My cape game sucks. You get a black cape with a red interior.

I'm getting a purple cape. Get a black cape with a red interior. And one night go, Leanne, I'll be right back. And come back, balls ass naked underneath. And coming like this, like a heavy Bella, like Bella Lagosian 52. God. Naked with the cape, they go fucking bananas.

Women love fucking capes. Cates are so functional. If you got cold, I'd have a quilt cape, almost like a snuggy so I could just wrap up in it. Oh, I love a fucking cape. And something else happened when I was out there before Bergey came. I got the high going. So I'm sitting there mind of my own business.

And for some reason, this fucking iPhone, when somebody calls, it beeps, but it doesn't tell you who called. Okay. It doesn't tell you who's calling. So I have to hang up with the person and wait five minutes and the call comes through. So I have to shut the thing off and maybe. daughter. You'll tell me how to do it. My fucking other thing keeps asking me to upgrade.

And every time I hit it, ten pop-ups come on. I don't understand this fucking app game. So, you know, I got to have apps. I don't fucking get it. Just one time, hit me, and then move on with your life. Every ten weeks, I want me to upgrade and do this, get the fuck out of you. So... You mean you're not going to wait in line for that new iPhone? Oh, yeah. I'll be there tomorrow. More than nice and early. Like a fucking half a fucking moron. I got better things to fucking do at my time than wait this. I could have the phone first. I can tell my idiot. buddies. I have it. Oh, you're so lucky

because you're still in one like a fucking faggot. Yeah, that's great. What was they talking about? About something they got your high going. You should just get a homeless guy to stand in line for you. Just go, hey man, you're outside anyway. I'm sure they would. I'm like, that's what real pimp would do, but these fucking idiots

can't figure that out. God forbid they can't stay outside and tell themselves stories about a lot of D'Leyr. Whatever the fuck these kids talk about today. What a fucking bullshit they're talking about? So what got your high going? Carmine called me. Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Jesus. I don't call me this dude that he met this fucking 74-year-old guy that I grew up in his house. So when I looked at the thing, it's a no-callor ID on it. So I thought it was my uncle. So I go, deal, what's happened? And he goes, what are you fucking talking with this Carmine? I go, hey, Mr. B, what's going on? He goes, I've had something on my mind for the last three days.

I really want to tell you. I go, what's up? And he goes, Dionne Knight. I'm eating fucking whatever dinner and I'm by myself and I see that this De Niro Stallone movie's coming on so I say, what the fuck?

Let me watch it. So I start watching the movie and you pop up and Joey, my world stopped. He goes, the dish fell out of my fucking hand. He goes, I had seen you in that movie the longest mile. Whatever the fuck that was.

But this is real. He goes, and he was hysterical. You're with that fucking half a homo Adam Sandler, the fucking animal? And that fucking yum, fucking Chris Rock. But he goes, you're with De Niro and whatever. He goes, you look good.

He goes, I tell you. He goes, I thought of your mother in that casket. And now she would be fucking proud of you. And he goes, you know, he goes, it's baffled me for the last three days. Then all those dinners you ate at my house and all those basketball games and all the trips you took of my family, I never fucking pinned you for an actor or a comedian. But he goes, I want to tell you that I'm proud of you and you look good. I love you.

He hung up. He's 70-something. And guys, it destroyed my insight. I can imagine. Yeah. This is not like some fucking agent telling me that I did a good job. This isn't my wife or even Bird or Lee saying, hey, it was a good job. This is a guy that swung before my demise.

He was there when I was just a young fucking kid when I was just a fucking, that's me at his house, you know? That's him. That's Carmine right there with my buddies at his fucking 50th birthday. That's the mafia. That number 63 and the guy next to him, that's the fucking. beginning of the Genovese fucking crime family right there.

Fucking three of those eight guys right there, a fucking organized crime. But that's the way we turned up. But, you know, that was me. I was just an innocent fucking kid. And so my mom died, and I got into crimes, and I got arrested. And every time I'd see him, he'd still give me a hug.

But I could see he was walking wounded, because I was one of his kids. I was from his name. He was a fucking detective. How am I doing blow and doing drugs and robbing houses? So, You know what, man, I made him really proud, and I can hear it in his voice. Like, he has nothing left now. You know, that is a demolition of an American family.

When I met Carmine, he had a wife and four kids. What happened to his kids? One kid died in the car accident in the eighth grade, the one I hung out with. Oh, fuck. And then... Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. After that, the mother died of cancer. He divorced her.

You know, the kids stopped talking to him. Jimmy moved to Florida. Frank and him went to work. war so he talks to Pete there's no one bedroom apartment asked Lee he still hasn't slept on the bed because his wife that he had died on that bed so he hasn't

changed the sheets or moved the bed the imprint of her lying is still on the fucking bed yeah he told me this he goes I don't sleep on the bed that's for her she sleeps on the bed so it's like he's a 74 year old lone man but all that withstanding it was the most

it was like the best call I've ever had like when somebody called you and said I watch this on a plane and you did a great job. That's great. You're in the business. But this guy knew me before I even talked about movies or stand-up or stupidity. That's essentially one of your fathers. Yeah, I was just a virgin of a kid when I started going to his house.

I was just a virgin kid that I was open for knowledge and I just wanted to be liked and I wanted to play basketball. That was it. And so for him to sit, you know, he got pissed. I'm telling you guys, he shot a guy seven times in his house. and self-defense, I got away with it. Really? In the back. In the back.

It's fucking amazing. This guy's the real deal. And he always was. So when my mother died, he kept saying, you're going to move in with me. But he was torture on his kids. He made you pay rent. Even in the fucking, like, sixth grade,

you were paying rent. You had to have a job. He got you a job. When you came home on Fridays, he waited for you in his office. And you had to give him, let's say you got $60. You had to give him $15 for the house. You had to give him $5 for.

the bank account, five for the Christmas club, you were left for like seven bucks out of the 60. You're like, what the fuck? He gave you like a dollar a day. He's like, you live off a dollar a day. I did it for years when I came from this country. So I couldn't live with that. I was, I came from a loose house. I came from my house

that had fucking, you know, loose curfew. If I had 50 bucks in my pocket, my mom didn't ask where I got the money, you know, there'd be bikes in the garage. Whose bikes are those? Ah, Bert just left them over here. his mother's paint in the garage he's just left him over here with car mine everything was accountable you'd be accountable for everything I couldn't do that I can't do it now I can never do that do you ever think of what would have happened if you had moved in with him you probably would have been

like a lawyer I put it would have been a dirty cop by now you think so he got thrown off the force it would have been I bet I bet if you hadn't moved in with him you would have ended up finding the path of least resistance because he made things so tough just to be around him I bet you would have found something, you would have found something like a dirty cop, like you would have gotten in on the thing, and then you would have done it your way. I would have been interesting. I always think about the butterfly effect all the time. Like if you took that one option and you did the other thing, I think about that constantly. Like when, when, uh, when, uh, when, uh, Ila broke her, I, I told you, when Iela first, the first time she broke her teeth, I was obsessed at the fact

that I knew she shouldn't do that. But I didn't want to be the overbearing parent that told her not to do it because my wife's that way my wife's like let her do it he gotta eat a pound of dirt and I was like these kids are too big they're playing too rough but I didn't want to be a pussy parent so I was like fuck it and then I just thought had I could if I could just step back and just

I kept thinking why can't I just go back in time like I'm a fucking obsessed with that yeah you ever watched Taken I was on TV today that Liam Neeson movie yeah and I just because the ex-wife is so mean to him and then it happens and I was like oh I can't I couldn't even imagine having a

daughter. Like that's my, I almost don't want a daughter just because I don't want to think about that stuff. And you guys have four daughters. So, like, I can't even imagine. Like, luckily, you have a while, Joey. But, your girls are coming up too close in a few years. I'm going to start dating. Oh, someone, yeah, fucking George is a adult alma. I mean, she's, she's like, Leanne's size. She shares shoes with her. I saw her the other day. I haven't gone for a month. I saw her the other day. And I just was like, holy shit, man, she's so big. I don't even recognize her. And she, like, talks to you. like says like grown-up girl stuff

fucking she's 10 but she's uh she's I mean LA they grow up fast She's in fifth grade Said to me I got no one to look up to

This school because it's up to fifth grade She goes I got no one to look up to She goes it was fun when I was the little kid Now I feel like responsibility I was like You're not supposed to talk like that You're supposed to say like let's play monster high dolls Or some shit

But yeah I've I'm freaking out about it I told you the I mean When he was something crazy When I took the life insurance exam you take one over the phone and the guy the kid answers the phone and he says i'm going to walk through all the questions they ask you if you've ever done drugs if you've ever uh drank alcohol

i get done all my questions and and he goes uh he goes okay i think we're done for now i'm gonna end the recording i went oh thank you and he does recording he goes it was a pleasure meeting the machine and i was like motherfucker i just i'm sure he listened to my answers like i very seldomly drink never tried drugs or whatever my bullshit, you know? Like he was, it was like, it was a pleasure to meet the machine. I was like, motherfucker. So, but yeah. Hopefully you get it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Just see if you get it. No, I get it. I've changed my lifestyle a lot. I think I've been a lot healthier. But it's that thing you're talking about with your dad. Oh, God. Yeah.

The fear of death. He moved down to Florida because I, you grew up there, right? Yeah. So your parents were always there. My dad moved down with a girl to Boyden Beach, like where all the old Jews go. And he moved into a retirement. village and all he taught like when I was down there last time a guy died and then I I called him in the next week and I was like oh did you ever go check up on that guy's wife and he's like

oh I didn't tell you she died two days ago and like every day someone's dying down there and now every time we talk he's like I have to sign something now for his will and he tells me he's getting life insurance and I just don't even want to hear it but then I think about you Joey and like how maybe you wish your mom talked more about that stuff or but it's uncomfortable as a kid to hear it. I don't like people who talk about it because they're, you know, Doug Stanhope has that death pool.

And nothing bothers me more than that because you don't know, you're mucking around in death. Yeah. You know, as a kid, when I'm Spanish, I'm Cuban. And in my house, there was a thousand things you could not do. You know, you couldn't go to my, my mother couldn't go, hey man, I just saw a guy get stabbed in the neck.

Don't have a fucking point at yourself. My mother would never say, cancer in the house. You couldn't say cancer in my house. You just didn't want to fucking put it out there. That's something that we just didn't discuss, you know. You know, people saying, I'm going to prepare a will or something. You just avoid that shit. You keep it to yourself. You do what the fuck you have to do. But I just don't like the muckery. But after what happened to me, we had this conversation with Felicia one day. Yeah. We had this conversation. I go, you know what?

When you have kids, you have to live every day like it's going to be your last day. You have to prepare them. Like it's going to be. And if not, they're prepared anyway. If not, they're fucking prepared anyway, you know. But we were talking before the podcast started about death and how, the other day I wrote a joke. You know, when you hit 50, I don't know if it was a joke or it was funny, but, you know, when you hit 50, you're concerned about your health, especially if you've been running on luck for all these years.

Like there's people that have been eating carrots since they were 10, that they've been running since they were 10 and they have a heart attack of 52. then there's Keith Richards. Then there's Ozzy Osbourne. Yeah. Then there's the guy the singer from Motorhead. You know, Leibb. There's a thousand other people, but it contributes to genes. It contributes to a thousand things to me.

Like I said on the podcast the other day, God, when they make you, they give you a thousand and whatever heartbeats. How you reach them is up to you. I'm doing. St. Peter goes, so what is that, God? How many heartbeats is that? He'll live to 82. But if he doesn't discover cocaine, you know, if he discovers cocaine, he lives 48, 47, you know.

So I always thought it was fucking heartbeats. But death is something, every time I wake up now, whenever you talk to Carmine, you go, Carmine, how are you doing today? He's like, God gave me another day. You open your eyes, you give God thanks. He gave me another day. But he's 70 fucking six. After fucking 55, when you wake up, you give yourself thanks. I do.

As soon as I hit the floor, I say, thank you, God. I rub my head. I rub my ori, and I say, I hope I don't have to drive to fucking Hollywood today. You know what I'm saying? That's a second thing I think I think of. Do I have to fucking drive somewhere today, or am I in the fucking valley all day like a fucking doctor? Yeah.

Do I got to fucking go down at Wilshire Boulevard and talk to some fucking stroke about something that's not going to happen? Or am I going to have the will to say, you know what? Fuck you. You can tell me. whatever you got to tell me over the fucking phone. I got to go down there and listen to fucking three Gentiles talking about shit that ain't going to happen anyway.

At 4 o'clock, you know, fuck you. With it on 2.11. You know, it's just you worry about it. I look at mercy every day. Listen, when I hit, when Mercy hits three, if I make it to a week after her third party, I lasted my dad. I always think of that.

You know, my mom used to always say, and people would pull me aside and go, you know what, man, I knew you fucking. dad and not for nothing when he had you everything changed my mother's brother that lives in glendale don't say a nice word among nobody especially knowing the family he hated everybody in the fucking family his brothers his cousins and he always said your dad was a good fucking guy but after you had him it was all over for him i couldn't imagine being him i couldn't imagine being him doing a bump of coke in the bathroom and coming out and having a heart attack.

Is that what happened? That's how he died, and him feeling his heart and going down to one knee. And I don't have to tell you guys, when you feel your heart and you grab your heart and you go down to one knee, your life flashes before you, you start thinking about stupid shit is just the end. Should I make a call? And I couldn't imagine him on his back line there with everything's spinning with him thinking about me.

Yeah. Saying, God, please don't do this to me. Give me one more day to be with my kid. Give me one more fucking day to be of my child Because that's what I'd be saying You think when my mother was on that fucking floor In the kitchen when I was 16

And she was having a heart attack She wasn't thinking to herself God please Just one more fucking hour Let me go upstairs And at least fucking hugging one time You know I don't want my daughter to go through that

I don't want my daughter to have to And that's why I do what I do I've been sticking to that my fitness fucking thing Yeah, it's great I'm always 200 fucking calories Light until I get home Then I eat like an apple and a banana and some yogurt, but I don't write that down because I've already ended the day.

Yeah. But I've been staying in that realm. You know, this knees killed me a little bit, but before I had the fucking thing, I was going to Jiu-Jitsu three times a fucking week. I started one time doing hip escapes. I was having a heart attack. So I believe in just doing a little bit every fucking day.

Yeah, you can't overdo it. That's what I did. When I got, I lived hard the last two weeks on the road. The last two weeks on the road were rough for me because I just been gone for long. I went to, I called you. I said I was going to Barry's boot camp. And I pushed it so fucking hard.

And now I can't extend my arms. And my neck hurts. And I thought I was having a stroke this morning. You're over 40. Yeah, 41. Listen, man, the game changes after 37. Yeah. And what you think you're doing in your mind, you really can't fucking do.

But once you're loose, nobody can tell you that. Once you're in 35, 40 minutes, nobody can tell you that. Yeah. You go, fuck it, I'll do it again, I'll do it again. And then when you walk out of it, you know. I was lifting weights like a fucking, I just power it. Just fucking looking at chicks next to me. Like, yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

I looked good because it was dark in there. I had this shirt on them, maybe it looked tapered. And then I get out, and I woke up in bed last night, and I couldn't extend my arms. Like, right now that's as far as I can. Oh, my God. Open, though. And all I can remember is, like, going in the middle of the workout, going, maybe I'm going a little too hard. But everyone else was killing it.

I was like, ah, I kept thinking a Mickey Mantle. I can party and I can bring it in and I can fucking kill it the next day And nope, I can't I'm Lou Gehrig I'm fucking, my arms are seized up You know, Rich Franklin was on the podcast A few weeks ago when he's 30 something

And we discussed The ages in that Saturday Cung Lee fought at 42 And what's his name? Destroyed his face And like I told people Even your eyes Your reaction time slows down

Yeah You think you can still do what you think Why do you think these baseball players fucking disappear at 38, 39? It's over. Your fucking eyes, it's over. Your eyes a little bit, you start squinting a little bit. If I go around my cell phone too much, I started getting, I can't see, I get short-sighted. Yeah.

Listen, man, all those motherfuckers, how old was Willie Mays when they got traded to the Mets? He was done, and he was 34. We've extended that. Wait, Willie Maze was 34, we got traded to- I don't know? I don't fucking know, but I'm saying that. I always thought of Willie Maze is like 50 years. When he was 50 at the yet, when I was growing up, the prime of a fucking baseball player was 28 to 32.

That's completely turned around. It's up to 37, 38 now that they could still swing a bat and still be productive. Whether they could hit 60. It was 41 when he went to the Mets. 40 fucking ones. And what did he do for three years in the Mets? Oh, God's. It was horrendous.

It was a nightmare. It's got to suck to be a pro athlete and have your career over. Like I look at it. these, I look at, I was watching, I was watching the UFC highlights on Fox, they do like knockouts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you look at like someone who's, they're gun. They're done. You're like, yeah, you're like, just done. And you're done, but you're still young.

Like, I think about, you know, I think about, like, like, I was, like, all these, there's some guys that flipped it right and then taken their career in fighting and then started businesses like, uh, Tate Fletcher. Like, he's doing the coffee, he's got the, the, every, every time I see him on, I don't even know him, But every time I see him on Instagram, I'm like, God, it seems like he's doing it right. And then you see guys that you're just like, they're fucking not. Yeah, it's scary with like Anderson Silva because he was doing fine.

And then the last two years, just both fights, he got hurt. Yeah, but those guys, it doesn't matter. He's got millions put away. What Anderson Silva will do is people come to him and want to invest in schools. That's it. He serves a franchise for $200,000, like McDonald's. Anderson Silver's kickboxing school. You sign up.

You send an instructor that you trained, and Anderson makes four people. But wouldn't it be kind of crazy like, so yeah, he has the money, but let's say somebody came to you and basically said you're too old for comedy. Your brain's not working as fast, but you can, we'll start selling Joey Diaz's comedy books, but you can't do it anymore. What if they said, yeah, what if they said, that's a good question. What if they said, how about this? You're getting too old to tour. The kids won a younger thing. We'd like to sell your act.

We'd like to franchise your act to younger kids. and they can buy in on your act and they could do your act. Would you do that? But it must be, like, it's, like, I'm a Red So. John Rivers was anyone, so the question is hypothetical. I know they can't do that. George Burns was 150. But I'm a Red Sox fan, but I respect Derek Jeter.

He doesn't, he never wants to quit, but he's got, he has to quit this year because he's, like, he's too old. Now, with comedy, you don't aid yourself out. You get better. Well, hopefully, yeah. Yeah, well, it's completely. I mean, there's guys who age yourselves out because their act is young. And their act just doesn't make sense when they talk.

about it anymore. You know, like there's guys who, I remember when I started, there were guys and I called them, like, Fun Boy Comics. They were, like, they'd talk about, like, parties and chicks and this, and you know what's cool, you know what's cool? But they do that, and I remember thinking there's no texture, there's no, like, realness to their... Who drinks tequila.

Yeah. But did you see David Wilson this year, the writing back for the Giants who had to retire right before preseason because he had, like, too many neck injuries? He was, like, 23. He's younger than me. Now he has to retire. It's one of the crazier parts about sports What do you do?

Going into fucking sports, especially now, let's take GSP. He was intelligent enough to say that's it. I've got some money put away and this is how I'm going to go out. Even though I lost a fight to John, whatever,

who gives a fuck? I'm just saying here. This is why he went out. And there's other guys like Chuck Ladell that get knocked out 10 times and then realize it's time to fucking quit. you have that decision. They just gave Nogera two more fights.

Why? He wants to fight two more fights and he's done. Why? Why, guy. Your things are too slow, but you don't see that. And I understand your question. Nobody wants to accept that they're done. Nobody, not even fucking Mickey Roggin' the wrestler. That's what it was about. Nobody except that they're done.

Very few go, you know what? I'm planning this. Honest to God, at 51, I didn't want to fucking be on the road. You just said the magic word. guy, you were gone a month. You have two daughters. You got a month. I leave next week for another month. So you have to look at what you're getting in and what's the course of you not seeing that. There's an effect on this and this is why

I don't want the agents control and what the fuck I do. I got to come home twice a week, dog. I got to come home two days a week. I have a wife and a kid. I don't give a fuck what your show entails or what the road or the funny bone in Chicago. That's got nothing to do with me. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, I come home on

Sunday. I don't know what you're talking about working Sunday nights. I got two fucking daughters. You know, that's where you decide. These are all the decisions you make as a fucking comic or as a whatever, professional athlete. How much more do I want to keep striking the fuck out? I lead the league in home runs. I'm Willie fucking Mays.

I'm going to go to the Mets to play what? So somewhere along the line, you're doing that for what reason? What's the reason? Ego. Money. That's the only reason I worked the way of it. You fucked up your money somewhere, and now at 50 you got to fucking catch up,

i.e. myself. You think Bobby Slayton wants to be on the road? No. Bobby Slayton should have been done with his fucking first show and on to fucking syndication money and now doing one weekend a month in Vegas. That's the plan. That's the plan at 51, 55. It doesn't work out that way. Wendy Liebman was on America's Got Fucking Down on last week at 50 fucking something years old. Are you serious? Yeah. You know, Rocky LaPort and Jimmy Schuber who are on fucking America, you know. But we only want young comics. All right, good. That's fucking great.

but this is how it works out. You know, nobody wants to hear that they're too old to do something, but there's few people that are very smart. They go, you know what? Look at me. I talk about dirty shit. Nobody wants to see an old guy talking about dirty shit on stage. They applaud it because it's Dead Squad and it's cute and shit,

but nobody wants to fucking see a guy. I know this going in, though. I'm that smart, but I know that fucking going in. You know what I'm saying? I'd rather be on a fuck. I'd rather drive to Gowler and do two days on a show I don't go home. I don't want to be the star. I don't want to be the Joey Deere show. I don't want nothing. I want top billing. Just work. I wouldn't fucking do this. I don't want to do this in two years. I got a fucking kid. I want a kid. I don't want that kid to say like the other one. You weren't around. You want a... And I understand. I was out there for you trying to make money. They don't understand that. Yeah. Fuck it. I'd rather eat a TV done than you'd be gone six fucking months. That's their thing. You know, it's just really hard for fucking... I wish I could explain to them, though. Like, I had a conversation. I had a conversation.

Put a there wrong. Sure. I wish I could explain to Georgia that if I didn't, if we didn't have money, we'd have stress in our relationship with me and the Ann. Like if I said, if I said, I'm just, like, I can't even imagine. Because I'm still do the road. I still do the road. I mean, the problem is I'm trying to do, I'm doing this thing now called calling sick to work shows

where I go in, fly in Thursday night, do radio from 8 to 10, drink on radio, then go right to the club and everyone calls in sick to work. And then we do a show Friday at 11, and then I get on a plane and I go home for the weekend. And that's great, but the problem is now I'm doing, now because I have so much more extra time, now TV just starts filling it up. And you know this. I don't think it's going to be around forever. I don't think TV's going to be around forever.

I'm going to give it, I'm going to, I look at it and I go, I'd love to work at Travel Channel for another 20 years. But I don't know when they're going to be done with me. So I just like, hey, fuck it. I'm going to work as hard as I can when they want me to work. This is Gabriel's mentality. Yeah. He was out there, you know, the whole fucking, the whole kid in Cabool. He's out there.

He'll tell you. You never fucking know. And like to stand up, I don't know when it's going to start to fall apart. Like right now it's selling tickets, but not, I mean, not like, I'm not selling tickets like Rogan. Like, you know, and then what do you do? What if you have that Jeff Dunham time where you're, where the clubs don't even want you? And then all of a sudden they, then now you're Jeff, you know, I don't know, man. I get stressed about that all the time.

I get stressed. I get, you know, it's just amazing that they try to tell you what you can and you cannot do. And age is just a fucking number. It's really a number in your head. It's how you feel, you know. It is crazy, too, because my dad worked in nightclubs and on the radio. So he was home most of the day, but he was gone at nights and then, like, it is tough. Like, I'd be like, oh, he's the dad who's not at the sporting events.

And as a kid, you feel bad. I'm that dad. I just realized when you said that. I feel bad. You feel bad as a kid a little bit, but now looking back at it, like, I see how hard I'm starting to work. You respect them at 30, but it's... Yeah. I always thought that when I always thought that a man's job was to go out and work.

That's how I was raised. A woman stays fucking home, and a guy goes out and works whatever the fuck they need. Yeah. Whatever the fuck they need. 22 hours a fucking day, whatever, you know. But then again, it's just amazing that you can't. and I found out the hard way in my first marriage

that you can't that's the attitude I just didn't want to be home you ever fucking see people I have a friend that for years I go to have parties and the husband wasn't home kids' birthday party

oh he's coming he's working on a TV show and I remember leaving there when my wife going something wasn't fucking right man to 8 o'clock on a Sunday and I go that motherfucker I don't want to come home

or no men Yeah There's a point in the line And sure know Three months later They were done They were done That's the chick that went down

In Mexico To get the kidney From drinking too much Oh Jesus Drinking too much They couldn't give her a kidney Here in the United States She said fuck

Let's go to Mexico She got a kidney? Yeah She's back in Ohio now And every time she calls She sounds drunk But I could give a Frenchman's fuck You know

If she's drinking What can you do You already got a new kidney And it's Mexico You call them on Friday I have that kidney Ready for you on Sunday I wonder how hard.

I wonder if I get, that sounds like a good TV show. Buying illegal? Yeah. Just all the illegal illicit shit you can get anywhere. Highballs and shit. Watch them like drag a chick in the back and stab her. Yeah.

And give you like the ear and a hold of an ear and shit. And I'm like sewing the ear on the day. It's just amazing. Like the other day, I don't have a calendar for 2015. So they keep calling me with these dates. And I'm in my car. You know, I'm like, yeah.

And the other day I said, Hey man, let me call him. I go, yo, give me the dates while I'm here. And he started giving me dates like, you got to get rid of that. Well, they offered you this. I go, it's three weeks in a row, go. Yeah, I'm not doing it. I'm 51.

Yeah, but I'm telling you, you don't want me to cancel the week out, do you? No, okay, then get rid of that. They had me from the first week of January, it's like the third week of March. And I was like, no, this is what I don't want to do. This is when they put you out and they just burn you. Yeah. And then one day you have nothing. We've all seen it before.

Yeah. That's what scares me. That's what scares me. You hear those stories, too. You hear the stories. You see them. Mitch Hebburg. Mitch Heard.

Mitch He was doing great when he died. Yeah. He was doing great when he died. He just, they put him out there without thinking. They didn't give a fuck. I'm sure that the people that were handling Mitch Headberg today know that there's a skeleton in their closet. And any day, they're going to get hit with a fucking rock to their car. He got out of a real.

rehab on a Friday and they already had him on a tour didn't they yeah isn't that the story they already had him on a fucking tour they didn't give a fuck about his money or his well-being or his family or whatever it was nothing and you know he was using within two weeks after that fucking tour are there any agents who don't work on commission because when you think about it like let's say I know you make one than this but let's just say you made a thousand dollars a weekend that means the agent only makes a hundred so for him to make anything he has to have ten guys doing that yeah so I understand why they put people out there but could you call your agent and be like, listen, I'm going to give you $150,000,000. This is what I want,

and you're going to make this no matter what, but I don't know how to... No, no, no, no. You want, you want, you want, well, you don't want that. You want your agent to, you want that incentive for your agent to make more money. Because if you say, I'll give me $150,000, I'll be like, well, then great, I got my money. Who else can I get? You want him to be like, I remember Matt Frost when I worked with Frosty, and I just had George and I was broke. I was so broke. And I remember him, saying very candidly or maybe it was Barry Katz saying it

someone said listen you know he only makes like I was making $750 a weekend featuring he's like for him the amount of time he spends to book you featuring he's only getting like $75 and he was like he could do the exact same amount of work for Dane Cook and get $1,000

and that's why features and all those people I come to I need a booking agent you ain't going to get a booking fee you're making $500 a week you're not going to get a booking agent when you're making $1,200 a week that means 10 bookings it's $500 a week That means 10 bookings. It's $500. You know me fucking booking?

How long you got to be on the phone and get 10 bookings? Yeah, that's my point. So, like, I can understand why they put Mitch Hedberg out right out of rehab. Like, fuck. No, no. He's going to make me money. I don't get that point. Especially when we got eight other killers in that lineup.

You got eight other killers on your tent. Mitch Hedberg could have gone home for a month and rested. He had enough money. He had some deal money. Oh, no. I understand. But no, no, no. You don't understand.

You don't understand. If you're my agent, you care about me. He's just getting out of rehab. But do they? No. Yeah. They don't. And this is what I'm saying to you.

I've told him a thousand times. Ari's like fucking fanatic about it. Yeah. Ari will tell him two weeks a month. Anything after that, I'm not doing it. Really? Sorry. Yeah.

Sorry. I don't give a fuck. I got other shit going on. I'm a dad. I got a podcast. I'm trying to get in shape. You know, I don't have it. I don't have it.

I couldn't do a productive job. It's the law of domination and returns. If I went out three, three, four weeks a month. I don't click without being home Monday and Wednesday, Monday through Wednesday. Just don't click for me. I don't give a fuck.

Me and Lee were planning a podcast, too, and I told them, it just doesn't click for me. It doesn't, I can't focus. How often do you guys do your podcast? Mondays and Wednesdays. Yeah? Mondays and Wednesday, it just doesn't click for me. I can't, you know, go out every fucking way.

I like flying early. I like doing my shit early. You know, those shows at night. That means I cut down on my sleep. That means I'm not healthy. You know, when you're on the road, you're not fucking healthy. I'm not healthy at all.

You're eating shit unless you force yourself to eat oatmeal. I start getting stomach pains. How are you going to eat oatmeal in the hotel when they got beautiful legs? You wake up in the morning. They got waffles. You can be waffles in the fucking... But you got to eat oatmeal because if not, you got four weeks on the road. After four weeks, you'll be 30 fucking pounds heavy.

30 fucking pounds heavy. Like nothing, yeah. Like nothing. You won't even see it come up. And there's no scales on the road. No hotel's got a scale. No, you know, only Vegas has a scale. It's 22 pounds lighter.

So you get on it. You're like, look at me, I lost weight on it. the road. This is bullshit. These pants. You stop, bitch. I lost 22 fucking pounds. And all of a thing, you go down and start eating, then you go back to your fucking scale. Go to a fucking scale in your house, and then go to a scale in

fucking Vegas. It's like the house of Horace. Oh, it's like good. Oh, you're like, Slim Jim Magoo. You're like, where'd the fat go? Then you go back to your fucking dose of reality in your house. The worst is when I go to a scale, every time I get on a helicopter, because I got to weigh you, and you get on a scale and they're fucking accurate.

And they don't let you take off your shoes and take out all the stuff out of your pockets. And I always feel fat as fuck. What's the weight limit for a helicopter? Well, it depends on how big the helicopter is. But usually, like, I think, based on how far they're getting. It's based on fuel and how many people they got.

And we always bring equipment. So, like, we took a bunch of hella-boor, like, we went hell-of-skiing, so you go up to 10,000 feet. So everyone's get to everyone. You jumped out of a helicopter skiing? Yeah. No, it lands.

Oh, okay. It lands on top of a mountain. Oh, shit. And then you ski down the glacier. Jesus Christ. Yeah. I got a bunch of dangerous shit coming up. Going scuba diving in Fiji,

doing this rope swing in New Zealand. Going, I go skateboarding down a volcano in Hawaii. I'm riding motorcycles through Alabama. And then I'm doing my calling sick to work show in Edmonton on the 10th, I think. But I'm doing it on a day. Edmonton with Bill Terry and Steve I go and do radio there and then go to the club but then I got what else

And then I'm in Utah I'm living on a houseboat and doing we got We fucking hired this guy It's amazing how long it takes and how much work it takes To make 22 minutes of TV Do you have no fucking idea It takes four days for us to make It takes five total

Six really if you count in travel days It takes and if you count in casting days We're talking seven days to make 22 minutes of TV You'd think you could do it so quick and it costs so much money but your show must be 10 times cheaper than a scripted show Oh yeah

Even with all the travel and it's just it's crazy We've taken up the budget a little bit Trying to make it look beautiful Because we want it to look pretty So we got like extra We got this this Movi camera We got a fucking drone We've gotten so much shit to make it look cool

Because we're doing badass shit But and you're watching kids shoot shit on their fucking cell phones And get a million hits Yeah So we're like fuck it we're gonna take it up So this season we've just added in like just making sure it looks pretty and it's amazing how far how many seasons have you done this is the fourth because you hear that utopia bombed like beyond bombed that fox 50 million dollar

reality show fox tried to do you serious it got like a two point something got a two point something something it got killed by a re-run of big bang theory and fox put 50 million bucks to fuck fox and the 50 million into reality show you know like it's always like somebody has to do something outrageous yeah then when it fails it's something that has been done for years for fucking $50,000 or whatever the fuck, they have to put what in? $50 million. They put $50 million into Utopia

over today. It's just that you sit there and you say to yourself, who makes these fucking decisions? Which eight geniuses and they sit around with their suits and their water and they sit there like they're fucking some god that knows everything. And they're a bunch of fucking college educated

dummies. And that's what the problem is that they never take somebody from the bottom up. They never take, you know, I heard that club helium. Yeah. You know, I heard something. very interesting about the owner that before he opened up the club he hired comedians he paid like five comedians to sit with him he went across the country and he paid comedians to tell him what they liked and didn't like about clubs you know and when you go to helium you know when you go to helium

in philly it's no fucking taj mahal i mean they haven't fixed the air in 20 fucking years but get something to eat there order a drinking at helium see how fast you get it you know order food see how fucking fast you get it. The green room's great. I love the green room. Go to the one in Portland. Order a Cuban sandwich. What do I hate more than hummus? Bad Cuban sandwiches? What do I hate more than hummus? Ranch dressing? They have a spicy red

ranch dressing in Portland, Oregon that they give you a tater tots. Must I say any more? Spicy spicy ranch dressing that's red. I didn't even know it was spicy ranch. You ate it? Ate it? Oh no. It was like, this is brilliant. And then she told me what it was and I almost swallowed my

fucking tongue. Okay? I'm talking, you know, they treat you right. They put you in the medium hotel. And this is what you do. He's smart as fuck. Mark Gross. Mark Gross. He came up to me and he was talking about the podcast and we were talking about the podcast and we were talking about like what.

He'll do a weekend of podcast. Yeah. He believes in podcast. Go to a club and go, I want to do a weekend of podcast. They'll go. It's not going to work in my club. Really? It's like somebody fucking, let's talk about it.

Mrs. Pat's manager told her not to do a podcast. What? So, this is what I'm talking about, how management and agencies and sometimes... Who's Mrs. Pat's manager? Some fucking dude, and maybe... But this is just to let you know that what goes on in comedy, like when people get involved, like, I have a friend that's really fucking talented, and I used to catch him on the phone with his managers, and he'd be going over material.

And I'd ask him, what the fuck? you doing? Well, if you want to build a show, you've got to have a certain type material. That guy's a fucking jerk off. That guy's a hard time writing a letter to his mother, and you're going to ask him how to write a fucking joke. But it's kind of sad that a lot of times those people will succeed, and

yeah, the reality shows or the show might fail, but they don't get fired. I can't believe how many people probably don't get fired. Listen, 50 million, you're getting fucking fired, Lee. You're getting fucking fired, okay? 50 fucking million dollars. You sat there. with your stupid suit and your white teeth

and your suntan and told me how it was gonna fucking work, okay? And it didn't. What the fuck do you have to say? Yeah, well, you're fired. That one, yeah, but most people, like, I was driving down. Be a fucking writer and come up with a, shoot a pilot for a network

and the show gets canceled after four times. When will they see that writer again? The next day, you think he's going to have, they're going to see him the next day? You've fallen off fucking grace. No, that's true, but I was driving down sunset and that girl from Will and Grace, has a new TV show. Deborah Messing.

I'm sure she's a very nice lady. I'm sure everyone working on it's very nice. But that show looks terrible. And then they have a TV show coming out called Blackish on ABC or CBS. Deborah Messing had a show on for seven years. It between her and Joe Diaz, whether she's not funny or this fucking mud over here,

is that it's a proven winner for seven years. Why do you think they keep putting VIP on? How many more shows are they going to give that fucking lady from Seinfeld? How many more fucking shows they're going to give that fucking lady? How many more? A thousand.

Okay, then. When they go on with Burke Kreischer, who's funny than hell, and they're like, let's put Burke Kreisian. Well, no, she's had a successful. And you sit there going, Seinfeld was 15 fucking years ago. It doesn't matter. Right.

They're going to keep giving her shows, Andy Dick will be on TV, even though he takes his dick out 80 times. This kid's a nice kid. He don't do fucking drugs. so got a nice family nice wife funny sells tickets would HBO give him

a special would they even consider it no no no they give Rob Klein a special and they give the guy that gets arrested 80 times that doesn't give a fuck about society I'm a fan of cats but you cannot put your logic to it you know they gave

Dane Cook one but this Bill Burr is a great comic how come they didn't give Bill Burr a special no they'll give some old fucking comic from 20 fucking years ago was special. Rob Klein. They need to sell it up the ladder, too. So they can't just come in and go,

Bert's funny. They need someone, their boss goes, who's Bert? I've never heard of him. I'm the head of comedy development. If I've never heard of Bert, then you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. No, and that's why I'm kind of, I'm happy. I'm out of working in television. It's just, they have hold,

I worked at one production company that had a development department that I must have worked on 50 sizzle wheels. Not one of them ever made it to TV. It took them four years to get something made. And it's just, and these people are making, like, I was making $10 an hour, and these people are making $120,000 a year rolling in in their morning and their Mercedes, and they haven't done anything.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. But then you run into execs that do know what they're fucking doing. Oh, no, there's definitely. When you run into ones that you do know what you're doing, you'll do fucking, you'll jump through hoops. Well, they've been in the business for 30 years. Yeah.

They started on a show as a writer. They knew something. They moved them up. They were somewhere. You know, they know the business backwards and frontwards. You know, I know comedy backwards and frontwards. I could open up a comedy club and stop this shit on the road and do great with it. Because we know the fucking business.

My calling is comedy. Yeah, my calling is comedy. But you think about it, how come Tim Allen hasn't opened up a chain of comedy clubs? Like fucking Roseanne Bar. It would be the easy fucking thing to put the improvs out of business. Any top committee, Dane Cook could lock up the fucking improvs tomorrow. if you want. But at what point, like at what point do you, since you've been in it a while,

do you have more knowledge? But at a certain point, it seems like you get stuck in the old ways and that's when new people, new things don't happen. Like, it seems like at a certain point it goes from, you have a lot of experience, and then you're just stubborn and nothing changes. Like, it's a weird transition.

You know if anything about me that I'm not stubborn. I know that I give everything a shot. There's a certain error of comics. The ones before, like Rogan, like like Angel Bobby Slayton, Wendy Leibman, Felicia, they're a grapper above us.

I've always found that those older guys like none of them have podcasts. Angel doesn't even have a Twitter page. You know, they do things, you know, the way they do things.

Ralphie does things the way he does things. I argue Ralphie all the time. We all have ways, but you have to listen and some way you have to, there's a pattern. and you learn from other comics what they do and fail with

but what might fail for Bert might work for me what might fail for me might work for Bert so you live and learn from experience how many times have you said something to me and I've hit you with an answer already thought out and you're like how'd you know that I've been doing this for 20 fucking years

we had a friend that used to want to replace podcasts or videos and I used to say all the time the videos aren't going to work and against me she'd always make fucking videos and they'd get 130 fucking hits The three hours you put into that video, one hour you could have been writing a fucking joke and gotten more mileage off that fucking joke.

There's just little things that you just fucking know because you've done them a thousand fucking times. You know, I'll take a comic that's been doing comedy for two years and say, look, I don't go nowhere where you ain't supposed to be. Comic has heard that line. Guess what? Bert don't know what he's talking about.

I'm going out of the improv, I'm going to do 10 minutes. and then I bombed. He told you that for a fucking reason. I've been doing this for so long. When a comic is telling me something, I already know the outcome before they're telling me. They're telling me their story,

and I really know what the fuck happened. I already know what happened, how it happened. But he called me. Listen, they didn't call you. They didn't call you. But you don't want to call them out. You don't want to argue with nobody. You hear their story, you tell them whatever.

But I know before you're telling me the move of what you did. You know, comics have a week. a thing that once we do well at the two-year mark, who calls here? Have you ever heard of Joey Diaz? You will now. Fuck you. You know, you go to the comedy store. Let's say you could do a showcase with Bert.

It's very hard for me to go, Bert. Take a look at my set, tell me what you think. Don't ask me that. Don't fucking ask me to tell you what to think of my set. I would never ask you take a look at my set, tell me what you think is what's the difference. You know what I'm saying? But if you're going to put me in that position,

and then you're going to tell me my job. Then you're going to say to me, well, what did you think? Oh, it was pretty funny. In your mind, you know, he's a four. He's a glorified fucking MC. He's not even a feature yet. Then he tells you, I got a sister that lives in L.A. Maybe I'll go out there and do spots at the Comedy Store and whatever.

You try to look at him and go, do me a favor. Stay out of the Comedy Store, the Improv and the Laugh Factory. Go to this guy's room. Go to this guy's room. They're out of the loop. Get a taste of what. L.A. is. I want you to go to the comedy store and see what it's like.

Yeah. And that's it. Guess what this guy's going to do? He's going to go to the Laugh Factory and he's going to go up to Jameson. And say, I'm from Chicago. We shit. I'm from Jersey. I just killed the other night. Let me do some time. And Jamie's and I say, okay, go up there and do

seven minutes. And this moron Right after Domera. Right after Domera. And this moron who's been doing comedy for two years, who's got 18 minutes of material, 14 of it about his local area. You know what I'm saying? So if he's from Indiana, he's got 14 minutes of Indiana. And without

knowing, he's going to go up there and throw that Indiana joke. And he's going to throw two other jokes and bomb. Then he's going to call you a week later and go, I was at the life factory and Jamie recognized me. You know, and he told me to go up on stage and how'd you do your bomb? Now, next time you call Jamie, he's not going to put you, you remember you

bomb. You went some way you did not belong. Did you learn that from doing it yourself? Absolutely. We all did it. Yeah. We all went somewhere. We went to... For me, it was the truth? Yeah.

Years, 20 years ago, comedy used to have the... What's the whiskey company? Seagrams? No. Doors? No. Johnny Walker. Johnny Walker did the biggest comedy competition in this country.

Alcohol companies. Then Bex. I was the winner of the Rocky Mountain Area Bex Amateur Comedy Competition. And then one of my friends went to the judge. and said he made $5 two years ago with me. I swear to God, ever tell you that? My second gig was a $5 gig for gas for the Denver Broncos.

I got on stage on a Tuesday, and they offered me a Wednesday the following week. Hey, what are you doing next Wednesday? You want to do a comic show for the Denver Broncos? It doesn't pay. Really? I didn't know that. Yeah.

That's some guy that got $8,000 and gave me $5 for gas. So he gave three of his $5 dollars. We just did five minutes, all of his bond. He gave his $5.00. When I won the Beck's comedy competition, like an hour after they gave me the check, one of the judges came up to me and said, did you take $5 for a gig? Because if you did, you're not really an amateur.

I go, are you fucking serious? But anyway, not to get away from that. Really? One of the big comedy competitions in this country was the Johnny Walker comedy contest. They did four regions, and they put everybody up against each other. Well, they came to Denver. And I fucking said, fuck this shit. This is way before material.

The class I took, and I went down and stood on line and got the number and waited around, and I went up there and did three minutes guys, and you have no fucking idea how bad it was. You have no fucking idea how bad it was. But the guy that was one of the judges was the booker for three clubs in Denver. So guess what happened? You got booked? No. You didn't get booked.

I hated me. Oh, he fucking hated you, yeah. After everybody told me, don't go down until you have some time on your belt because that guy's a scumbag. He's dead now, but... So does part of you think maybe you shouldn't tell people not to go down there because they have to learn that lesson? They have to learn it on their own.

They have to go up in front of somewhere. And people do it all the time. They go to the comedy store, go up in front of Mitzie Shore, bombed, and then you can't go back up in front of it. If you're not ready, that's why I tell people don't go nowhere you don't belong. Well, I'm networking. You're networking on stage.

When you go on stage and you kill, that's the number one network you could have. That's a big L.A. That'll get out like fucking food, like herpes. That'll get out like hiv. If you kill on stage, that's the number one thing that gets out. Everything else is background music. You go to the improv and drink every night and shake everybody's hand. Who's that?

Some fucking drunk guy. Dude, there's a lot of those guys. You just sit around and you like, I know it. Is that a comic or an agent? We did a gig one time in Buffalo, man. Hey, who do I talk to first? body you. What are you talking about? What are you fucking talking about?

Do you think it's still possible? Like you said, so a comic comes here and is killing on stage, but let's say he doesn't know the right agent, let's say he doesn't have the best website or Twitter page. Could he still rise up or do you still? He doesn't even need none of that shit. Funny is funny, dog. And the word will get

out. And somebody, because the comics will give you love. The word, you don't need none of that shit. That shit's all bullshit. That shit can come with. I'm talking when you're focusing on stand-up, if I'm getting to stand-up today, I shouldn't even have a fucking Twitter page. Yeah, if you're a young stand-up, you should not have a Twitter page. Nothing. Nothing. Get off it.

You're just going to fuck yourself. Get off it. Focus on the important thing. Getting funny. Then get the social network. Then you get your Twitter and your Instagram, you jerking off with your buddies. But for right now, what are he saying in Apocalypse now? What's he fucking say? I'm sitting in this whole term by Charlie squatting the bush.

Every time squatting the bush, he gets fucking strong. The week of sitting in this fucking hotel room. So when you're in your room, figuring out 140 characters, some fucking kid with no life, a day job, losing home with his mother is on stage. And he's doing this every night.

He's got his mother's car. Meanwhile, you're thinking about doing, he's doing. You've got to be obsessed with it. You've got to be obsessed with it. And with comedy, the first 90 days, you're going to be out every night.

There's no girlfriend. God. There's no, my feet hurt. Yeah, that's no. That's when you go out with a group of guys. I should swing by the Ha Ha Ha Cafe tonight and try to do a set.

Ha-ha cafe, is that what it's called? Yeah. What's his name? I'm never done there. I've never done it there. Go down and say hello. I feel like I should do it. But it's really amazing how I know

when I talk to a guy that just gets here what he's going to do by what he's telling. By what they're telling me and what I could tell. Dude, morons love to talk. They love to fucking just tell you all the things they got going on. Like, you know what?

Someone said to me the other day. I said to me yesterday, he's like, so what's got going on? And I was literally like, I said to myself, I could do two things. I can tell him or just say nothing and make him feel good about himself and I feel good about myself and I just go, nothing, man, just working, trying to be get by. Because that is what I'm doing. Like if my dad said, what do you got going on? I'd say nothing.

Even though I do have stuff going on, that's not important. Yeah. What do you think? Because I don't know if you've noticed. Every once in a while, I just look. at the comedy charts on iTunes just to see where the podcasts are and everything if you've noticed there's a lot

at the top right now of like Vine and YouTube stars so like what do you how what can that be like when on like comedy podcasts so like what is it like when they bring in like there's Bob Burnham who made it from YouTube and is a YouTube star that they bring out

but there must be hundreds of them who got brought out because they have a lot of views and agents think they're great but then they can't They can't handle it. You could funk them. You could fake the funk for a little while. You could fake the funk for a little while. And then you can't fucking fake it no more.

I can't even think of the names that fake the funk, but you know who they are. Or you're like, yeah, whatever happened to that guy? Yeah. They just don't give up, man. They don't have, like, they don't have the passion. There's a lot of guys that you see that are, you know, vine sensations or or, or, there's a guy that I had on my podcast, Rye Dune. Yeah.

Really nice guy. And I told him, I said, you can keep doing Vine, but you've got to get on stage. If you want to be a comic, your comedy's got to be better than your Vines. And they were already headlining them. I look at Vines, like some of them are funny, and they have this thing going around where they have meetup events that cost like over $100 a ticket for little girls to go see. And they go when they jump around on stage at 17. And they're making thousands of dollars or that Rai Dune. I listened to that podcast.

He said he'd only been doing comedy a few years. And it was already headlining shows at the improv. because he has five million. But that's his path. I mean, that's his path. He's got a deal. He's got a deal, and I'm not saying anything bad about Rydum, but he's got to deal with what's going to happen is the day he gets on the theater show,

and he's booked with Louis C.K., and he's been only doing it five years. That's his stress. That's not your stress. It's not my stress. And I don't begrudge him at all. I want him. I wish him the best of luck. But, dude, I was, I'll put it from me in my perspective,

is that I got put into the industry very quickly. And I got a sitcom, I got a sitcom deal with Will Smith my first six months doing stand-up. My second year, I got a sitcom deal at CBS, and then I got a TV show. And I remember telling Patrice O'Neill at a table in Scotland, I was like, I got shit made.

And Patrice was like, no, he was like, I feel bad for you because you think you do. but when that goes away you'll have nothing and he's like until the day where you have a foundation of work where you can fall back on that and you can go

well if this shit goes away at least I can make four grand a week on the road and I remember thinking he was out of his fucking mind but let me tell you something when that shit fucking went away I had nothing I hadn't I hadn't fucking got into the clubs in LA I hadn't done anything on the road

and I had to start all over hosting hosting I had had two fucking TV shows and I had to go back and host at the improv. And luckily I was funny because I had done stand-up but I had to host and I was hosting for Drew Carey.

He'd do Thursday nights there. I went out and hosted on the road. Like that's fucking and and hopefully Rye Dune will never have to do any of that shit. But if he does, that's his path and that's, he's got to deal with that shit. Do you almost wish that,

do you ever look back and be like, well I wish maybe I didn't get those deals even though it was a lot of money? No, I would have never, I would have given up. I would have given up. Really? I don't have to fuck. fucking constitution that Ari has.

I listened to Arri's podcast where he talked about his failures. Let me tell you something. I'm really lucky that I never fucking went by the comedy store. Mitzi Shore would have broken my spirit. I'm very fragile with not now.

But when I first started, I took advice from anyway. If you gave me advice, I took it to heart. I literally, and if Mitsy had said you're not funny, I would have been like, I guess I'm not funny. I would have never, I remember I had a girlfriend that I dated for like five years and then she, we were laying in bed one morning and I said, I told her, we're in college. I said, I want to be a stand-up comedian.

She goes, oh, honey, you're not like funny, funny. You're like frat boy stupid funny. And I didn't tell anyone I wanted to be a comic again for fucking two years. I didn't say, people would say you're funny. I'm like, nah, and that's not me. I mean, like, Mitzie would have broken me. I listened to Ars podcast where he kind of broke down. Yeah, because Joey, you got passed pretty quickly, not that you're not funny, but you're, but you're, you're not.

got passed within a week or so, right? Yeah. And Ari said he got, he had to do that, like, 35 times, he said. Like, do you ever think about, like, like, if you had done that, do you think you would have stayed in L.A.? That was the only, but that was the only thing I did get. Okay. Do you follow me?

When most people get here, they get on stage, three or four times three yards signs them. They get an agent. They go to fucking Montreal. I didn't get that. I got to town January 27. I got on stage the first night to comedy store the next night to laugh factory Jamie told me not to come back he goes you're a nightclub comic this is the sunset strip buddy you're wasting

your time you know what Jamie told me you go long which I such a weird fucking thing to say I never went long but he goes you go long buddy and I go I didn't make no sense and so then I got fucking horrible advice from a fucking moron and I followed that advice and then this fucking guy, I won't say his name because it'll sound like I'm shitting on him. He's like, you know what you need to do. You need to buy Jamie some weed and go get high with him. So I didn't, I fucking thought this guy knew everything. So I got a fucking bag of weed and I came over to the fucking laugh factory and I went upstairs with Jamie and we got high. And I was like, and I remember sitting there thinking I am so fucking out of integrity right now. Because this is not who I am and this is not what I want to be doing with my life. I don't care if Jamie likes me. I remember sitting in that little fucking creepy. that Persian office upstairs, and I'm going like, I don't want to be here. I don't even like Jamie. Like, I remember I'm going like, I don't even like this guy.

Like, and I'm, what am I going to be his friend? I'm only his friend so I can get work. And I was like, and I don't even like working in this club. I didn't like the comics working that club at the time. And I was like, what the fuck am I doing here? And I literally walked out. I went, I left and I was like, all right, I'm just going to focus on the improv

because they were giving me hosting gigs. And it was like an ego thing in L.A. was to just host. So I started hosting at the improv, and thank God. Well, wasn't Jamie, and I'm not shitting on him, but I've not shitting on him I've heard on a podcast. Wasn't he a dishwasher at the store? I don't know what he was. And now we owned a club and can tell people if they're funny or not?

Well, that's what it was. And he told me the second night I wasn't funny. So I was heartbroken, but what are you going to do? What are you going to fucking do? All right, I won't go to laugh at you. That's right. Yeah. I guess I go long.

I guess I won't go here anymore. I set up something at the fucking comedy store. and I did a showcase and she told me come back next week and do seven and I came back next week and she passed me I was a regular there and then I went to the improv and the guy there was a drunk of a sweetheart of a guy and he used to sit in the window

older guy, he was there for years he used to sit in the window and one night there was Latin night on Sunday nights this is 1997 oh yeah I'm not around that got off and he came downstairs and he goes I want you to be a regular so I was a regular at two of the three clubs And I was satisfied with that. I was very satisfied with that.

But Mitzi always loved me for who I was. A character, and she always gave me a bunch of spots. But that's where it ended. People around me were getting deals at the comedy store. People around me were signing with ICM and Three Arts and CAA and fucking Gersh. And I wasn't getting none of that love. So we all have our different heartaches. You know, I never went to fucking Montreal.

I never got a fucking deal. I don't like that shit. I don't know what none of that shit is. I don't even know what none of that shit is. So yeah, I got the scary. You know, Christmas Day I got up. December 18th of 2003, I had read with Travolta. I read with Danny DeVito.

They told me to come back tomorrow. At 11 o'clock, you're going to read for the director. It was 10.30. I went in the shower. When I came out, there was a message. I picked up and I said, director hired somebody last night in New York. You know, you didn't get the fucking job. That movie undefeated, undisputed, with Wesley Snipes and

Ving Rames, where they fight in the fucking prison. Mike Tyson story when he went to prison. He had to fight that guy. I was up for that fucking. They came to see me at the laugh factory. Fucking the director of that movie, directed Warriors. Came to the fucking laugh factory on Monday night. Didn't get that job.

Then Travolta see me again for another movie. He was going to play Jimmy Rosale. Monday morning, 10 o'clock, I go to the fucking callback. It's me and Mike and Molly. Billy Gerdell. And we're both there to read. They were going to give us both. They liked this so much.

Jimmy Roselli hung out with stand-up comics. They would drive them to gigs, they would sing, and he would do two. Jimmy Roselli was a singer, Italian singer from Hoboken, that Sinatra, Blackballed. He didn't sing at Sinatra's mother's birthday parties, so Sinatra said, you're done. So the guy had to sell albums out of his fucking trunk. Anybody who, anybody who hired him as a gig, would, Senatra would send fucking the mob to burn the fucking place down. Chavolta was going to do it.

Ready to go. We both had the role. We both had the role. They canned the movie. Travolta did the movie about space with fucking Scientology, with the things coming out of his fucking head. We all have heartaches, guys. Yeah. Every comedian has fucking heartaches, and it's how you take them.

You know, you can sit there for 30 days with the thing, all the comedy store, what's up? I could have got the Travolta movie. I didn't get it. Or you could just brush yourself off, do a fucking grandma blow, and you come back tomorrow. The problem is, this is the problem that arises in that. is you become so resilient as a comic

that you are almost more comfortable in failure than you are a success. Like I know for a fact, like, I got so good at getting things not picked up that once something got picked up, I was like, well, fuck, now I'm really uncomfortable.

Now I feel like I don't have a footing. I don't know who the fuck I am anymore. Like, I loved, I loved failure. Like, failure was fun, you know? Get fucking, all, the clubs loved you, but you just, fucking bad audition after bad audition.

Then when you get it, you're like, well, shit, I was good that one time. I don't know if I could do it again. I forgot this is live right now. And someone just tweeted me, waterboxer tweeted me. And I was like, I was like, that's so fucking odd that he would say that.

And I just said that. It's, uh, I think you need to, I didn't think you need the other half of that. No, no, no, no. It's a, that was a baby dose. No, it was not a baby dose. I told me, why you throw me under the bus?

Because you're here. It's so weird that whenever somebody would call me and say, no. You know, you didn't get this role or you're not going to Montreal. Well, this agent doesn't want to sign you. I think those things that always said, well, I just got to know, but I'm closer to my yes. Is it like the same thing as a heartbeat? You have a certain amount of nose you have to get through? Yeah, so I'm closer to my yes.

Every time I get a know, I'm closer to my yes. And I got that from selling cars. I got that from selling cars. I got that from telemarking. marketing, you know, every call you make and they answer is one less call. That's it. Eventually, and you don't, like I said, didn't I say it the other day, the more things you do in this time, the more opportunities you go to meetings and this and that.

Eventually, you're going to get something. Hopefully it's something big. Sometimes it's a $100 a day movie. Sometimes it's a co-star. Sometimes it's a home run out of a fucking park. Well, how do you, and then, because a lot of times, you've talked to me and you talk about it on the podcast that sometimes now you say no to things. But if some things you might not, if you were just saying sometimes you have to go to things because you never know when it's going to be yes, when it's going to be a home run, how do you make the decision to say no?

Or do you ever worry about it? Or if you haven't had something you said no to blow up? Because it seems like you would have to. I say no to things from experience, from saying yes and having my nose wide open. When you first come to this town, you do everything. People call you up. I got a spot in Chino Sunday, 10 o'clock. Okay.

And then you realize Chino's. fucking three hours away and you got a spot at the store. You know, for years, when I started booking, I was infatuated with auditions. Once I started booking, oh my God, I was infatuated. I'd get up on the morning and go on breakdowns.com, then I'd go on showfax.com, and then I'd go on actors access, and I'd submit myself, and from five to seven,

I wouldn't take a personal call. I would just fucking, glee, get off the fucking competition. before you didn't know the edible. I wouldn't take a personal call. I would just wait there for breakdowns because I didn't want to be on the phone with Lee and my agent call. Fuck that shit. I got to be...

And, I mean, I would go in for everything. I went in for everything. I didn't give a fuck. Co-stars, guest stars, I didn't give a fuck. And then I realized one day, what's the point? You can't live your life with your nose open like a fucking gavel. You can't do everything. You know? And now

I'd say no to things from experience. If you call me with a $100 day movie, Joey, it's a great role for you. You're a strip club owner and 20 chicks suck your dick. That's great. But strip club owner, it's a 100-9-day movie. That means I'm going to have to go somewhere after the place is closed. So I'm going to shoot this from 4 to 7. So because of your $100, I lose a whole fucking datamon because I got to sleep a lot to hold that.

And trust me, once you agree to a half-day movie, you will have an audition at 1130 or a tremendous meeting at Fox or CBS at 1230 because you took the 100-1. on a day meeting. Number two, you gotta wear your own suit. You know, so there's all these variables that you know from doing it. For years, my dick didn't get hard when I had to work.

My dick got hard when I booked the job. When I go to an audition, I see three known actors. That's a great statement. I like booking something you have no idea. More than doing it. You have no idea.

When I go for an audition, I see three actors that are known and I'm a fucking fat, fucking ex-fellum. comic, I go out of my way to book that because I want to prove these fucking guys that went to Juilliard and, you know, oh my God, when I get into

character, I can feel the character. Get the fuck out of my face right. Go fuck yourself. You know, the way he wrote the character is his pension for the love. What the fuck are you talking about? If you could breathe into a cup and fogg it, you could act.

Okay? So you're saying you didn't get into the character for the Marin Show? Oh yeah, oh yeah, you got to for the character and the Stanislauski? What the fuck? You can act. You can fucking act. You know, and they make a big deal. The way Angelina Jolie did that.

Listen, Angelina Jolie would be acting and she'd be sucking dick. There's not much she could fucking do it. Don't take a genius to fucking tell you that. What else is she going to do? Well, she's directing now. Yeah. She's a fucking great director. Yeah, you keep buying that shit.

She goes and there's three guys behind her that she looks at the shot. What do you think? Okay. Yeah, she's directing. He's a fucking director. She's a fucking idiot. And I like her. I'm a fan.

I'm not saying this. But what I'm, you see what I'm saying? They make a fucking big deal. Like, oh, my God, the acting. You know, Ray Leota. Do you know Ray Leota? No. Then how do you know how he was acting?

Most of these guys that won an Academy Award for the Roe, the Roe was fucking written. It's them. It's them. That's why they fight for it. When Sinatra went off a fucking, that movie, when they cut the horse's fucking head off and the Godfather.

Yeah. That movie was him from here in eternity. That role was him. You know when it rolled, when I fucking sent the tape in for Big Tony, it was me. It was me. They wrote it for me. All I had to do was the job was mine to lose.

You follow me? I used to go in, there's so many times I go into, when I went in for fucking the mentalist. I wanted to mentalist as a social activity. It was like something to do on Tuesday. I went to fucking water brothers. Get some sun on the line. You get a free soda?

I bumped into 20 people, and I booked the job. You think I want to, fucking shoot a movie a TV show you guys just said it I gotta spend three days there for 22 minutes of TV I listen to a bunch of asshole writers you know tell you what's funny and what's not you didn't say the word though who gives a fuck gets a fuck I made it funny it isn't that fucking benefit people fucking laugh oh I hate that shit you made me say is fucking garbage when you get an audition and I'd always improv it I'd always make it mine and then they'd be like, well, why didn't you read it the way we wrote it on the page?

Because it sucks that. I felt like, well, because you've never proven yourself. Yeah. You've never proven yourself on stage. You've never made people laugh. It is so difficult to write something and make people laugh. I say that from experience. I've written like a bunch of shorts and shot them to write something.

It seems really funny on the page. But then make it and make it funny, there's only a handful of comics. There are only a handful of humans who can do that. Will Ferrell. It's amazing. how talented he is because he can make something that he finds funny on the page hilarious

in real life. That's so fucking hard to take something on the page and make it work. I give my hat off to anyone, but there's a lot of guys who have never done it who claim that because they've been they were a writer's assistant for Judd Apatow and then

they got put into the system and they have a deal and it's a mid-six-figure deal that they know what they're doing. They don't as much as I don't. like no one knows it they can't take the fucking five like the fox debacle with the the utopia show let me tell you something everyone in that room thought that was going to be a fucking hit it is so hard to predict not only what people will find funny but what people pay to go see and it's i can't i could never fucking do that all i know how to do is i can have an idea that i

think's funny and i can make it funny on stage that's all i can do that's fucking it and i can take a good meeting that's it I can't do I can't like I can't write something me write it and then someone go oh that's fucking amazing

well then it's kind of weird when you hear about oh this guy had someone had people write his stand-up for him like how can how can you even help like if there's just writers who weren't getting up on stage

it must be kind of hard but I'll tell you what it does help it helps in this in this situation you me and Bert started together and let's say Ohio, Columbus. We started together. Okay? If you get three guys that start together, and we moved

out here together, you were a pretty good feature act. I was featuring. Bert was called headline. Burke got a deal. Me and Bert lived together from Columbus. You come out. Once you come out, it doesn't mean that you're going to stick with this fucking thing. You might go into a different aspect of it. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you might go into writing, which is the natural revolution for us, right or wrong. It's the natural thing whether you're, you know, one day you realize you don't want to make people fucking, I don't even know what my trainer

fucking thought it was. You told me before where a comic will say, come with me to all the clubs. Right. And help me out. But the beauty of it is, like years ago, when Chris Rock did two of those specials that were brilliant, three of those specials. We've discussed this before. And in my

world, I do the same thing. There's a lot of comics that have an ego that they wouldn't do this. If I went to HBO tomorrow. HBO said, Joe, we're going to give you an hour special. We're going to give you $300,000. We're going to give you $150,000 advance. I'm going to keep $50,000, but I'm going to give $2,000, three of my friends, $30,000. Good friends. I'm going to go up to Bert and say, Bert, what are you doing the next month? Well, I'm doing a Columbus 20-bonds? No, you're not. I'm going to give you $30,000. Cancel. Your whole next month is with me, because I know Bert knows me well enough that he'll say to me

from time to time. I have a friend that this happens with. And from time to time, he'll call me and say, I wrote a joke, but I was thinking of you when I wrote it, and it's your joke. Let me tell you, and I can't say this joke on stage. Yeah. But he knows me that well. And so do you. Chris Rock did the brilliant thing. I don't know what they'd give him, but he used to pay Louis C.K., Richard Jenny, and Nick DeBalo.

That's as good as it gets. That's three different styles of comedy, plus his. So everybody at the end of that special had to contribute 15 minutes. Chris delivered 15 minutes. Nick DePaulo gave 15. You can't lose. Yeah. Especially with those guys.

Especially with those guys. Did they write it for you? No. I went up there and talked about sleeping in my bed, peeing in my bed. You made it better. You're Nick DePaolo. You could really make that joke better.

That's the thing about you that I've always said is that you say things that would get lost in the shuffle. Like it would work for you. I don't think anyone, I would never try to write for you. But like, there are things that you say constantly where I'm like, God damn it, if I had said that, I would be using that my act. And that's what I think. And someone to allow you to simply, not exhaust, but kind of elaborate and tell the whole story.

Like, to this day, and I know you did not mean for it to be as funny as it was the first time you said it to me. but this statement you go if you think black people are loud in movie theaters you should hear them in prison when you first said that I was obsessed with that I was obsessed with that because I was like that's the greatest premise

I've ever heard because you have to have been there to know that premise like I have a joke that I used to tell it never really worked but it was a if you ever take a dump in the hood of your ex-girlfriend's car you got to take your pants off all the way but you have to do that

in order to know that you need to do that. Because what happens is when you shit, you also piss. So if your pants are on your knees, you're going to piss in your pants. It happened to me. So you need, that's like a joke you have done to do it. And I love those jokes because they're so fucking, there's so many bumps on them. They're like a, like a geode. You know what a geode is with all the crystals and you get lost in it?

And it's like that rock that's cut in half and it's all the purple crystals inside. And you get lost because you don't know where to look anymore because it's real. That's what that joke is. And when you said that, I was obsessed. I made you say it like four times around me every time like on a new podcast or on, because every time it got better and better and better. But that's one of the things that I think about you that I go, you, like, I remember you saying one time, like, you were like, dog. We were talking about Priscilla and you're like, I'm really good around dogs.

So when I first got to the country, I got attacked four times the first week. And you said, per one dog. walked past me and came back to bite me. Like, he's like, no, I didn't see you. He did. But, like, stuff like that is so fucking real. But, like, you, I think it gets lost in you. Like, I don't think, that's not something that you write down.

Joey, the funniest part of Joey's acting, because I see him pretty regularly. The funniest bit, and you can hear me laugh, I think, during the thing, is throwaway lines that most of the audience doesn't hear because they're laughing. it's like just lines that make you crack up it's my favorite part of the show and you'll never say it again on stage but it's just like one little throwaway line

and they're all too busy laughing or not paying attention but if you see you more than once you have those lines and it's the best part of the show you know when I said that to Bert I thought about that for three months because I don't know where that came from that must have been somewhere hidden

in my psyche that was dying to get out from 1988. Yeah. That was a statement from 1980. I never said none to nobody. I never even thought of it until we discussed it. Until we were talking about black movie theater. That ain't nothing compared to, like, that summer.

Those three days or four days I spent, it's where you first go diagnostic. That when you go to prison and when you get sent to prison, the judge says, all right, four years, community, pretty, you have anything to say? I want to thank my family and God, and then they put you in the back. They take it to the back, they take your suit, they process you, and then you wait to go to the diagnostic.

And I went to diagnostic. So this is basically the first place you go to. So you don't know what to expect. So you basically, you sleep, but not really, you sleep at one eye open. And you can't sleep, even if you wanted to, because the black people will not shut the fuck up. But it's a conversation that's not like you and I right now. Like, hey, Lee, how are you?

No, yo, Lee, what's up? You know, these motherfuckers trying to give me eight motherfucking years. It ain't my type of case. It's us. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. This was a hundred-yard conversation. So you're 100 yards from me, and I'm 100 yards from Lee.

And we're going to have this fucking conversation. A hundred-yard conversation. Yeah, yo, Lee, what's up? What's up, Lee? Nothing. You know, I'm up here. Up here. doing what? I told you, you go off the phone.

Where's Bert? Bert's over here. What up, Bert? Bert, what up, nigger? What up, Bert? And it goes back. What up, Bert? I don't know, nigger. You know me, though, doing my time. These motherfucking Peckerwood's trying to take my shit. Pecklewood's a white people. You know, Pecklewood's motherfucking. And this goes on like they're the only ones in the room. But first, they're talking loud. And I remember sitting in my cell, like wanting to say,

Shut the fuck up. But it wouldn't have helped. It wouldn't have helped. So you just close your eyes and pray that they'll shut up. They didn't shut up one fucking time. I had never seen anything like that. And guess what? They didn't shut up for the whole five fucking days that was there.

I don't think they shut the fuck out. But the beautiful thing about that is that you're telling, it's I love when you tell you, I love when you tell your experience. because your experience is no one can replicate that there's no comic out there that has that fucking bit there's no comic that talks about

the shit you talk about like I mean and there's very few comics that went like and myself included I'm not in this group like when I tell a story I think you think of me like even if I tell about me as a kid you still picture me as this

when you tell the story about you getting attacked by dogs I picture you as that little kid with the vest on like I picture that kid that like Joey Mannerisms in a little kid with like a fro when he goes, oh fuck another dog. Like I can picture you and there's something that you cannot

write in that. Like there's no one, no comics writing that material because it's so fucking real. Tom, Tom Young. Remember Tom Young? Mike Young. Mike Young. Mike Young, I went to high school with Tom Young. Mike Young had a joke about, it was very real and I loved

it. It was about it was about doing bad shit when he was a kid and he's like you remember you had that one friend that would always like want to do something real bad

you'd be like hey guys let's all hey you guys want to go TP brenda's house he's like yeah and then let's kidnap

her fat dad it's so great because I can see that person in the story saying that and I can see Mike hanging out with that guy like I love those kind of jokes

I love the fucking I'm obsessed with small detail we were talking about this I think at the beginning but I love the small detail in a story because the small detail takes you into the moment. I get obsessed with it a little too much and when I get bored telling the machine story

I start dipping into small details about that evening that maybe people don't care about but I feel like it adds texture. I have a story about the, I don't know, I told it on Rogan's podcast and I started telling it on the stage about this time I went to a hotel room and it's called Knox Scratch.

Yeah, you've heard the story, right? Yeah. Okay, so, but when I tell it, I remember one time I told it and I said the kid, I had four bags and I check in, I check into the hotel and the kid that grabs the bags is a tall, skinny black kid. And someone in the, some white lady goes, why does he have to be black? And I went, because he fucking was. I go, fuck you. Don't take, don't make me anoculate my story so that it doesn't offend your sensibility. He was.

And the fact that he was makes this story better because now we have position. in society that we are interacting within and those positions define our behaviors and our reactions and when I go to say to him at the end and I go to give him a tip because you don't need to just not scratch that is important because now I've made a young skinny tall black kid laugh and now I feel like I am winning the game of life it's funny how like when you said you when you you you can picture Joey in the stories as a little kid I don't I picture every story he looks like he does now just because I can't I can't I can't imagine I'm looking differently.

When I heard the Knox Scratch story, it sounded like a, like a geeky white kid. Oh, no, no, no. Like, I hadn't heard that he was black. Yeah, tall skinny black kid. I'm like, I did not picture a black guy at all. Tall, skinny black kid, and he had a hat on. He had like a fucking captain's hat, you know, those hats that make him wear.

And he laughed it off his head. And the best part about that story is that after that, he told everyone in the fucking, every brother that worked at the hotel knew that story. So anytime I rolled into a black dude, he was like, hey, Hey, Knox Gras Guy, huh? And I was like, yeah! But it's important.

I love small details in the story. That's why I still love comedy CDs. Like, we've talked about a bunch that comedy specialists recently haven't been that good, most of them. I still love comedy CDs, especially doing physical stuff. And I've edited a few now, I did Steve's, and I did a couple years. And comics a lot of times will say, I don't want to have that physical bit. Or I don't want to have that, like, something to do with your face. And it makes the audience laugh, but you know what?

and see you don't know it, I love that because you really get, you're in your car or at your house and you don't have any visual stimulus and you just get to hear it and get really involved in the stories. And I think it's really cool. I love visualizing it. I love it. I love it. I love it. You know, it's amazing when I don't like watching myself on tape, you know, but I know that when you tell a story, I love to take myself there. People always say, oh, well, you tell a story, you You take you there. I'm not taking you there, you dumb fuck. I'm taking myself there.

You know, that's fucking fast. Today I was writing the story I was going to tell on that Comedy Central thing. And the closing bit, I had to stop because my hands were shaking. And I wasn't even telling the story. I was just writing this fucking story. And my hands were shaking. So I pretended that I was on stage. And I even wrote it out.

Like, people, you see my hands are shaking. That's the hatred I have for this. motherfuckers I'm telling you this story. You know, it's amazing when I get an audition sometimes. And they'll say, so you came in the room, turned the light on, and told me to suck your dick. I actually go home,

get a part in the room, turn the light on, and I see little nuances, and that's what gets me the role that I actually did what they told me to do, and I tried it in my house, and I go, ooh, I'm going to bang my leg. That's fucking perfect. That's comedy. Nobody's going to do that.

That's genius. Nobody's not do that. That's cheap. That's what I do it. Because I know nobody else is going to live through that. I love it when I'm writing. You know, I tend to write a book and I'm trying to write a fucking, and when I write this shit, I go to write comedy.

I have two notebooks out. Sometimes I cry. I got to get myself. I stop. I take myself there. When I'm on stage and I'm laughing, you're dead. You're dead. That means I'm going to fucking kill you because I'm there.

Yeah, I'm feeling that fucking joke. I love when I tell a joke that I wrote and it wasn't funny, and when it comes out of my mouth on stage, it's real fucking funny. And I crack myself up. Is that why sometimes on stage, like the Lucy Snowboard Story, like there's no way you could just say Lucy or like, do you kind of say the name sometimes just to get yourself into it to work? Because you said somewhere the other night,

and he said a name like, oh, we wouldn't pick this guy up, and the audience doesn't know who that is, so you could leave it out. But is it to get you into it a little bit? To get me into it and get the audience to visualize. What does, you know, what Nick Tutorial, what Nikki Eyes is to me, Nicky Eyes might not be there. Who was I, was I telling you that day?

Oh, I sent the tape to somebody, and I was telling the story that we were, oh, it was with you. When we robbed the liquor store, when we robbed the jewelry store, stinky. When I said stinky, how much did you left? Yeah. Just buy a person's name.

Because if I take you into that, that room and burned to that room and go when joy was telling the story describe stinky to me what joey didn't describe it forget joey you described from you hanging out with joey what would stinky look like i hate i i i love a good name you cannot take change someone's name in a story no i don't believe you can because because that person's name is real to you like i i used to tell a story about taking acid and going to disney with my buddy hutch you know what really and i never fucking talk about this, but you know what really pissed me off about the fucking, I never talk about this. But you know what really pissed me off about the Van Water thing? I don't give a

fuck about them doing whatever they wanted to do. But they used my buddy Hutch's name. They kept his name in the movie because he was my friend and it's a good name. And if you don't have the real story, then you don't have it. And you're going to use that good name that you've heard. That's what a lot of, like, some writers do. I don't look, I have no, no, I don't have any gripes. But what bothered me was that when I told that story about me and Hutch, and if people did the connective tissue and knew that that hutch in that movie was derivative of my hutch in my real life then they pictured him as a black dude which is so not fair because hutch is the goofiest fucking white guy in the world and like but i can't change his name because

he's real in my story you know my buddy harper i love that name because that's who he is it's a white guy from the south name harper you have that you know that kind of guy and the fact that he misspelled it and spelled it happer with two peas like you go Oh, he's a fucking moron, but he is a privileged moron. Like, I love the fucking, I love reality. I love the small details. I love keeping names. That's why I agree with you.

They wanted me to change the name of my, in Ari's thing. They wanted me to change the name of my director, Tim Scott. He's a real guy. He now runs a fucking Fremantle in Indonesia. He's a real fucking guy. I had him on my podcast. And, and, but I can't take, I can't change his name. Because he's Tim Scott.

He's a real fucking guy. He was there. It's, you know, I don't know. Same thing with the mistress Isabella, the girl that dominatrix. I told the story on Rogan's podcast about when I went to a dominatrix for Hurtbert. And I used her name. I wish I hadn't a little bit because she was, I don't know, I just hadn't planned on it. Well, didn't you have, I forget what episode it was, but you mentioned the girl's name in the book.

And that got, that hurt you a little bit? That was a big mistake. I wrote, I kept everyone's name into my book, and I did not plan on. I didn't realize that it would be as, I didn't realize it would be in Barnes & Nobles. Like, I didn't realize that people would read it. And so she got really upset. Jenny Powers. Are you keeping names in your book?

Like I said, first names. Because you have to, you know, you have to give the, that's what you should do. To get rid of, I put fucking first and last names. No, no, no. Like, it was a big fucking mistake. No, no, no. A big fucking mistake. Like I told people a thousand times.

I have 800 stories. But I can only tell 200 them because you have to mention names. Half of these people have kids. You know, I talked to a friend of mine when I went to Jersey. And he pulled me over and he hugged me and he goes,

none of our stories on that fucking radio show. And he just kept... And I knew he was going to say that to me. Some people just don't want. And I would never... I know who I could say something about. I know who fucking can. I'm going to get in trouble eventually one day.

I'm going to have to apologize. When you're Joey D. and you you are telling you're entertaining people based on a life filled with uh with what could be questionable decisions uh that are fucking that is a that is a road least traveled you're that there are people that have done the same things we have done with us and that do not want that is like their that is their low point we just seem seemed to fucking see that road as a straight path. Like, I know exactly what you're saying, but, like, Joey's made

a career out of out of almost being this rock contour, rancantor, of the debauchorous wildlife. And there are people that were there, but those people now, that's in their past. We happen to be making a living off telling these stories, but that's in their past. I totally get it.

I totally get it. Yeah, Joey, didn't you say like a bunch of the people who do stories, some that were in these stories are like, freaks in Miami now? I got a lot of stories. They're fucking, you know. Three of the kids I ran with really make me sad. Because I can never go back, sit them down and go, what the fuck happened, you know?

I mean, you do this now. You're successful. One guy is really successful. The other two are like moderately, but they all flipped. Like they're all Jesus freaks or somewhere. And they don't remember the story the way we remember it. They remember it as hurt. And it's a painful thing, but they did.

They think it's a stupid thing. And I had one guy tell me, I'd appreciate if you don't call me again. And it hurt me for about 20 seconds, but I understood. Yeah. And understanding, I could have told him to go, fuck himself and whatever. And I understood. He said that to you directly? To my face.

Oh, my God. I called him up and he goes, you know, that was a long time ago. I'm very proud of what you're doing. I'm proud that you got yourself out of the whole you were in. But do me a big favor, man. I just would appreciate if you don't call him. Holy shit. Steve, that's wild.

This is a guy I gave money to, like we were, and I called his brother, and his brother came to my house to eat one day, and he told me, he goes, you know, he's a Joe Lohstein guy. He has a hernia, he won't go get it fixed. On Fridays, he gets home from work, and he stays until Monday morning. Doesn't go anywhere because of the life he lived. He's scared now. You know, you got like four DUI, is, he got this, he got that. So he's scared.

He's very scared. There's people who run scared. And, you know, maybe I should. should be a little scared. And I am at times. I'm scared of, I don't know what the fuck I'm scared of, but I'm not going to be scared for what I did. Somebody asked me a question the other, all the stories you tell you regret any of them. And I got to tell you something, yeah, I felt pretty shitty. I did some shitty fucking things to some people, you know, that I didn't mean to do. It was just, they were in the way, and I'm sorry that it happened, you know. Will I take them back?

Not now, I want, because I realize it's just a part of it. of fucking life, you know. That's it. It's just, there's people I pissed off. There's people I let down, I feel bad, but, you know,

and that's why today when Carmine called me, it meant a lot to me. I have a... It meant that much to me because he saw me when I was that kid. So he saw me

when I went bad, and now he saw me that I'm back again as a human being, a productive member, you know? So, what's up, Tyson? So,

when you told that, Carlin story, I thought of this. So, probably seven years ago, eight years ago, I'm making no money on the road, I'm not on TV. I've done one fucking thing. It was the history of the joke

on history channel. It was me, George Carlin, Robin Williams, fucking, the biggest names in comedy, but I was represented by the people producing it, so I was in it also. This is the only reason I was in the fucking thing. I didn't even tell a joke, I don't think.

But I was in it. So I'm sitting with my wife on the couch. With our two kids, I'm making $750 probably a week, maybe $1,200 bucks a week. I'm making no fucking money. I'm broke. We're my wife. The only reason we have this apartment is because my wife is the landlord of the building. So we're getting free rent.

And my phone rings, and it's Orlando. It's the Orlando area code. I go, that's so funny. I only know a couple people in Orlando still. So I answered it. And it's, this guy goes, Bird Kreacher? this is Larry Medoc Larry Medoc

was the father of a girl Kristen Medoc that I dated and I very infamously I've told this story before but I pissed on their dining room table over Thanksgiving one night hammered like I got fucked up and then came back to their house, woke up in the middle of the night

pissed on their dining room table he saw it I fucking passed out in the piss they put me in bed and I denied it and fucking he calls me and I'm like holy shit And he's like, they thought I was a fucking loser. He goes, sitting here with Jan, his wife. And he goes, and I just want to tell you you are, uh, we were wrong about you. I was like, what?

By the way, I'm fucking broke. I have a drinking problem. I have two kids that can't afford. And he's like, he was like, well, we're watching history tale. And here you are. Right after George Carlin and right before Robin Williams, and you have made it. You're a, you're a dashing success. And we just want to apologize for me.

just judging you and not and judging a book by its cover you are a talent and we're so proudy we understand you have kids now and i'm like yeah he's like well great well jan will stop with the phone and her mom who hated my guts was like we were so wrong about you and then hung up and i was like mother fucker i was like what was that about but it was like one of those phone calls that you look back and you're like i i don't know what i did but i get it one fucking thing is through the joke and they thought i was a fucking they thought i was a gold mine you are a fucking gold mine Let me do a couple of shoutouts here.

How you doing, Lee? You ready for another one? It just started to hit me. No, it didn't hit me. It did, too. Pablo Paxton, whatever your fucking name is. I love you. Dave Fennell, stay black.

Fernando Sotelo, you bad motherfucker. Chris Cruz, I love you. Luciano Soprano, you bad motherfucker. Ormond Davis. I don't know what the fuck. This is Jaime Hernandez. Your writing always gets a word by the one on the list. Sean Capuchino and Heidi Gelders Young.

I love you, Derby. dirty bitch down in Phoenix. A little comedian girl. I'm going to be at the Bray Improbs, September 18th, and a Gautombs Comedy Club in New York City. September 26 and 27, 11 o'clock at night. Tickets are going fast. Don't fuck around.

What the fuck, are you ready to kill half of this again? No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, nothing's going to happen. How many points you got left? How many calories? I got a little bit. I think I have like 600 calories. You're gonna fucking get a sandwich with.

How many points you got left? Look at you. No, I do that. I do my fitness, pal. I know you do the Fitbit. I do the Fitbit, and I do Just lose it. Oh, is that just you put your food in?

Yeah, it helps. It does help when you're accountable for your food. Yeah, because I used to not count things like a beer. I'm not going to put a beer in there. You put a beer in. You're like, well, I can only have two more. Yeah, it's fucking scary. Yeah.

We can count for your shit. We had a good conversation when this was, we were just talking about death. you know how you feel you're doing the life insurance tomorrow that's why you didn't eat one of the edibles and stuff do you think about death a lot all the time i'll think about it tonight especially when i'm not drinking it's not as bad when i'm not drinking but if i'm drinking when i wake up in the morning i think i'm not living right i'm not living i'm living hard and i'm 41 and this is going to turn on me and i need to clean it up but when i'm not drinking then i

wake up and I go oh death is real also for people who don't drink and then I can't go back to bed like last night I woke up at two I woke up at 1 o'clock in the morning and just stayed up until 4 and then sitting just sitting in a dark room out like not making a noise in my house just sitting there thinking

about life going fuck like I'll leave for a month I come back for probably a week head out again be like it's you know I think it beats you up if you think about it too much but I think about death a lot really doesn't beat you up. It really doesn't

beat us up. At the end of the weekend you're like that wasn't that fucking bad. Yeah. And you go home and you refuel and I think about death a lot. I think about what my mom felt like when she died and what my dad felt like. I think about the friends that died. You know, I think about, like,

I always look at them every morning. I have like four friends that died young. You know, one of them is Anthony Bousan. I have his eighth grade picture. The other one is Dominic Spatial. He died when I was his sophomore. One of them is Darren Rago. He died in 99,

and I think about what they're not doing. You know, and how lucky that's what motivates me every morning. I go, you know what? They're dead. I guarantee if I could open up the casket and go, let me ask you something. If I gave you 24 hours, would you watch he asked me on again? And watch what he'll say, fuck, no.

Okay, then. Just to see what a dead person would say, I've been dead for a year. What were the things you wouldn't do? I wouldn't do this anymore. I'd get up and get the... fuck out of the house. I appreciate the sun, you know. That's how I look at things sometimes. When I wake up in the morning, I go, what am I going to do? I don't have much to do.

Now, look at those guys' pictures, and I go, I got a lot to do. I can ride a joke. I could fucking lose two pounds. I could walk from here or whatever. I could go out in the sun. Ask those guys in their fucking casket until they knock on that casket and go, hey, I'm going to give you a life for 24 hours. What do you want to do? You want to watch the Clint Eastwood movie? Fuck you in Clint Eastwood. Yeah. We'll never watch a fucking movie again. You know, we'll never sit on the couch again, you know.

We were dead for five years. You know, so I think of it that way. That's an interesting statement. I always think of shit, what can't they do? How lucky am I. You know, you go online, I don't have a job. What the fuck are you talking about? We all have a fucking job.

We all have a fucking job to be a little bit better than what we were yesterday. Yeah. So don't just fucking sit there. Get the fuck up and go fucking do something, you know? You know, oh, I'm gonna go to Tuesday night because you can't miss that movie at the Beverly. Really? Let me grab you by your fucking throat.

You can't miss Galaxy or stand online for an iPhone. See if you die for fucking five years. If you just waste a fucking night at a fucking movie premiere, I want to go see Spider-Man 8 on the big screen. I'm going to wait all night with these other jerkoffs in fucking tents or whatever the fuck society is doing now. See if you would, you know? See if you fucking really would.

Lou, you look at it, like, it really just kicked in. It's starting to kick in. He ain't fucking doing nothing. I was thinking that's, like, I never really thought about that before. Like, what would someone do if they, like, woke up alive? That's kind of, that'd be kind of a cool TV show. What the fuck would you do? Would you go eat McDonald's again?

Would you tell a girl, you know, once you fuck, you put a guy in prison for 10 years and go tear that piece of ass up and see what the fuck you're doing wrong with your pussy, eating skills. Watch if he won't take a fart to the face, let a black chick fart in his mouth and shit in his mouth. When you've been dead, take some guy who hasn't gotten pussy and give him a piece of

pussy and I'm going to give you a hundred dollars to watch. See how he tells him. Give him some guy without arms. See if he doesn't eat that ass. He eats that fucking ass and sticks his face and that fucking muffler and snips it. These are the things that make me that get me fucking going in the morning. Now I don't want to go to this workout class

in the morning. I want to go to the beach and move stones. or something. Like I want to live. I want to get a paddleboard and go paddleboard over the day. Learn something. You know? It's always something. There's always something you can do. We all have a fucking job. You know, you're going to sit there

and play fucking Nintendo all day? Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking serious? This fantasy football shit, I'll fucking stab you. I will beat the fuck out of you. I was so glad I wasn't playing Mitchie when you asked me. If I had a 14-year-old son, he came to me and said, I'm playing fantasy

football, I take him outside, and smack the living fuck out of them. The fuck is wrong with you. We don't live in family. This ain't Peter Pan, bitch. They're real football. There's black people out there. There's Chinese people out.

They're going to eat your fucking lunch every fucking day. You're walking around. Look at me with a fucking new iPad. Oh, I'm on Facebook, yeah? Some fucking black kid is out there don't have fucking Facebook. He got one sneaker that's his and once it's his fucking cousins. And he hasn't eaten in three days.

But meanwhile, you're talking about whatever stupidity you're fucking talking about. Oh, Avatar was a great film. Really? I'll fucking kill you, you fucking sack of shit. You suck a shit. Stumbies. I'm going to wait out line because this iPon.

Yeah, all right, good. What happened to fucking the pro? What happened to fucking Operation Corporation? What happened to those jerk calls that? We're going to shut down all the corporations. Oh, like the Wall Street people. Yeah, Operation. Operation Corporation?

That's a better name for it. Operation Corporation. Operation. I knew it's like the one 99% Occupy Wall Street. Yeah, Occupy. Occupy. What are you doing? You're flexing.

I'm looking at my arms. One more, I ain't going to do it, cucks. Like, you're like, keep going for a couple months. Operation Corporation. That's the opposite of Occupy Wall Street. A bunch of fucking Mummies down, that. We're not going to support the corporations. Fuck Southwest Airlines.

See how long that fucking last. These fucking jerks. I'm on fucking. That's why, like, this Ray Rice thing kind of pisses me off, Because in two weeks or three weeks when somebody needs a running back, they're going to sign them and they'll stop, they'll unsuspend him. First off, let's get something straight. The Ray Rice situation should not piss you off at all.

Why? I have a daughter. You have two fucking daughters. Well, yeah, of course. You want me to fucking sit there and tell me all day on Facebook, Ray Rice, I love to get my hands on him. What's wrong with you? There's not one guy in here that want to punch the fuck out of your wife.

once in a while there's not one motherfucking hair want to kick a fucking woman down the stairs you would go to American Airlines they lose your luggage tell me you don't want to kick that bitch in the back all right so don't tell me don't sit there and judge fucking Ray Rice just move on with it yeah they're gonna hire him back

it's all hypocritical it's all fucking hypocritical it's all hypocritical they hired Michael Vick back he killed 10,000 fucking dogs you know what really sucks about that Ray Rice shit that I was thinking is that he's in trouble because he got caught he's in trouble because he got caught

and he lost his job and I guarantee you his wife and I know that I know that she I know that this is the wrong line of thinking but I guarantee you some part of this his wife feels like some sort of guilt

like he lost millions and millions of dollars because this got out what's going to happen now is someone's going to fucking beat their wife and go if you talk someone in the NFL is going to hit their wife and go you better not say a fucking word if you like this house and if you like this fucking lifestyle

because this lifestyle is provided by me it really they really kind of fuck the whole thing up by like and it's like one of the things that pissed me off is like Ryder Goddell she was knocked unconscious I mean

did you need to see the video to know that he hit her heart as fuck I mean did they think it was a different kind of hit like what did they think that it was like a special kind of nothing they didn't the video was going to get out but I don't know if you were watching today but the video they got the video The AP says...

Sure, they got the fucking video on April. Let's remember something. Really? Yeah. And I don't mean to be disrespectful anybody or any women listening. I don't mean to be disrespectful. Let me tell you something.

Everybody's worried about Ray Rice. This is one incident. What about Super Bowl Sunday when 80 women get beat? Yeah. What about every Sunday after football where there's 22 cases of domestic violence in each fucking state because of football

or the UFC or anything else that's violent? Because when somebody's having a bad fucking week, God knows what they'll do. You know, two weeks ago, I had a park down the corner as a Puerto Rican daycare. And I saw a black woman come out of the daycare with her little daughter saying shit to her. This girl couldn't have been a day over four, bro. And when she locked her in the car, she turned around and started beating on this fucking kid. Now, what could this four-year-old angel could have done to this woman to make her beat on this kid?

I didn't call the cops because I didn't know what to do. My wife told me I should have called the cops because it could be an aunt that's just somebody picking her up. I didn't know what to do, you know, but I looked at this person as I drove away, and all I could think about was would I ever hit Mercy or Jackie like that? I wouldn't have the heart to hit my kids like that or even a woman that way. But I don't know what she's going through. I don't know what she was going through in her life. And before we judge some, but we're very easy to quit to judge.

I don't know what she was going through. Hey, listen, hitting a child or a woman, there's no excuse for it. Yeah. There's no excuse for it in my book. I've gotten into beefs with Carol. You know, I got arrested three times of domestic violence. Both do you guys know, I'm not a fucking woman beat her. But any time you said something to Carol, when she wanted to fuck somebody,

that was her way of fucking somebody she'd throw you in jail. How many times Carol threw somebody in jail? Fifty fucking times. I still talk to Carol. If I did something bad to Carol, why would she call me once a fucking week? to ask me about a movie or a wedding or if I could do comedy at a fucking wedding but do you understand me

somebody who beats women they do it to fucking everybody they do it to everybody I couldn't hate a fucking woman I can never lift my fucking hand to a woman can't hit my fucking life but we don't know what we're going through and we weren't there

I've never laid my hands on a woman I can't imagine we weren't there we weren't there I don't know what Ray Rice was going through but I like all these guys are the Captain Savo now Everybody's fucking Captain Sabo.

And you know, at the end of the week, this doesn't change your situation at all. We have daughters. You have a girlfriend, you know, you have a sister, whatever. It affects you then. But at the same token, how about, you know, how about football and all? What about the thousand women that get beat up Super Bowl Sunday and every other fucking Sunday? And after boxing matches, and after UFC matches, and after anything else that's kind of violent. You know, you don't see people getting beat up when they're watching a ping-pong match.

nobody says I was sitting here watching golf and that motherfucker went crazy they just started beating me you know I don't know I don't know what the percentages are after golf I'm just making a joke but that's the big picture that's the bigger fucking picture what was the what what was I was on the road when that whole war machine thing what happened and you know the greatest part is when they finally found him they found him because he was bidding on another girl in the motel are you serious yeah again we weren't fucking damn so God knows what could have I feel bad for Christy Mac.

She's beat up. She also did a radio interview where he says he's going to kill her, where he talks about rape. When he talks about all this shit. Really? Yeah. So, guys, you know, there's two, you know, and there's people that are hating on Chrissy Mac right now. There's fucking people that are hating on her.

This girl got dirty broken bones in her fucking face. And there's people out there saying because she's a prostitute or whatever the fuck. He's a porno girl that she deserves to get. Listen, it's too volatile. people. It's too violent, and that's what happened with me and Carol. Carol was a stripper. I'm too old-fashioned and too conservative to date a woman that shakes her pussy and their titties.

I thought I could handle it. We get into an argument, she'd down 911. It's always a bad volatile with certain people. He's a fucking fighter. He's a fucking fighter. You knew this when you started fucking dating him. He's got to be doing steroids. He's got to be angry about something. Gotta be angry about something You know We weren't there You know I know he's gonna fucking die in that prison though

Oh yeah He's gonna die in that fucking jail Am I mad at him? Why would I be mad at him? He's got nothing to When I go to Rouse When I get gas When I pay my fucking bills

He's not there You know Chrissy Mac is not there So it doesn't really affect my life Yeah But it's so weird How all these fucking people speak up It's like somebody finally wrote me a thing And said

You didn't write nothing about Joan Rivers I didn't know her. I didn't fucking know her. I didn't fucking know her. So RIP, what does that do? What does it show you that I'm a fucking, fucking sheep? What does that do?

It shows you I'm a fah. I'm part of this fucking shit. It doesn't affect your fucking life. You still got to pay rent. You still got to get in your car. You still got to get your sucked dick. You still got to wipe your ass after your shit. This podcast is coming.

to a screeching. Oh, these jerks. I'm a robin. You didn't know. Shut on. I'm so high. I got worried that I was the one

that asked. I was like, who gives a fuck? Who gives a fuck? Robin? Robin was your fucking friend. You know fucking Robin. You're fucking jerk off.

Sick and fucking die of these fake fucking assholes. Fucking fakes. Can someone please isolate that? Can someone please isolate that? It's such a heart and entitle it.

Joey's heartwarming sediments of Joan Rivers. I don't know. I don't give a fuck. What am I to do? Oh, she opened up the door. I'm over here fighting. I'm the one that lived in a car.

I don't know her. I don't fucking know nobody. I don't know her. You should have gone to the fucking funeral and stood outside like I gave a fuck. You know, people are such fucking phonies. I'm so sick of thudies. Oh.

Let me give some shout out to the sponsors. Oh, good. For optimization. Forget minerals, forget vitamins, forget all that shit. Honor. Go to honor.com for the best possible products to make you a better human being,

not character-wise. That you have to work on yourself. You can't buy that. You can't buy those fake glasses to let people know you're intelligent. That you have to work on yourself. Honor takes care of you internally and it makes you the best you can be.

And it all starts with Alpha Brain. It makes you're better. your fucking mind shoot on every fucking possible level. That's what made me say. I don't know it. I don't fucking know it. You're RIP. I love it.

I don't give a fuck. Mind your fuck. Worry about your fucking self. Everybody wants to worry about the fucking world. Go on it. Get 10% off on it. Alpha brain. Hemporse protein shake.

The fucking shroom tech. These are the best products. Whether you're doing BJJ, whether you're a writer, whether you're just trying to be fucking sharper. Go to honor.com. Get Alphabrain. It's 100% money back guaranteed.

We don't want the fucking product. Meanwhile, you're sitting there and you can't remember when was the last time you got your dick sucked. Your memory's going. Go to Honet. Get fucking Alpha Brain today, right now. Shroom Tech, strong bone.

The enzymes for your stomach to help you digest fucking protein. Go to Honourke and get 10% off. Go to the box and press. Church. Church. You scared the shit out of us? when you said that so much.

I don't know her. Sorry about that. C-H-U-R-C-H. Church. Press in the box and get 10% off. And also they have to stay on the program, which is a great program. You don't have to order again.

It comes directly to your house in the first. It gets taken out of your credit card. Go to honor.com and be the best you can motherfucking be, all right? Like I told you, nature's box, they ain't fucking around no more, right? Two words, people. Free snacks.

That's how we're doing it. I'm going to give you a chance to get free snacks. Drop the candy bar, drop the potato chip. You're a fat fuck. They're not good for you. Do what I do. I'm a fat fuck, too. Get natural delicious snacks at naturebox.com.

I'm telling you they give you 100 fucking snacks. I mean delicious snacks. Nutritionalist approved. You don't feel guilty about eating them. You can smoke 20 bonnets and eat a bag of cocoa fucking almonds, and you're still fucking healthy the next day. You even find snacks that are low in sugar and even low in fucking gluten.

All right, so do me a favor. Go over there. Take a look at the peanut butter nom-noms from Nature Box. Take a look at the dark cocoa almonds. Take a look at the trail mix. Do whatever the fuck you got to do, right? It's good for you. It's good tasting.

Now I want to give you a chance to get a Nature Box free sample box. That's what I'm going to do, featuring five of the most popular fucking snacks. You want to start a trial? Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey, J-O-E-Y. You stay full, you stay strong. Naturebox.com slash joey and get your free sample box of tremendous delicious fucking snacks.

That's how I wrote. Do it today and cut this shit. Let me ask you something, people. Especially you guys and your women. When was the last time you changed your fucking underwear? Let's say you wash your underwear. You don't think that fucking pussy and that rotten nut smells gets in that fucking corner.

Listen, when I get sweaty and my balls are on fire, a 12-hour day, there ain't enough bleach to take that. yellow fucking sweat that comes out of your nut sack out there. And I don't care whether you get the best underwear out there, you're going to fucking sweat your asshole. Once your asshole and your ball sweat meets, that's fucking death, okay?

You don't need to do that. You want me to tell you something? People usually have their underwears for seven years. That's unbelievable. Can you believe people put all these ratty motherfuckers on every day? Do me a favor. Do you know about meandies.com? Meandes has the most comfortable fucking underwear you've ever had.

I have them on right now. I have my little camouflage on right now. I took a shower at about 5.30. I guarantee I can scratch my balls, and you can sniff them. They smell like skin. You know why? Because they have something. Right now, my balls are floating in these motherfuckers right now. Thank goodness.

They have like a little cup in the front. There's no zipper. You got to pull it down and take your dick out with the balls and gives it fucking air. But here's one thing. They look great. They stay good after you're washing. Do me a favor.

Go to Meandis.com and check out the pictures. They got. They got underwear. They got women's thongs. They got a bunch of shit. They just said, Lee and myself and with it's white shirts.

Take a look at what they got. They got men and women things. They got high quality fucking materials. The price, I'm happy your fucking ass. It's a fucking third of what you're paying at stores. So help me out. Go to meondies.com.

Get 20% off your first order. 20% off your first order, and you get free shipping in fucking Canada and the U.S. I guarantee you you you'll be happy with them. Go to meandis.com slash Joey and press what in the box? If you put slash Joey, you're already there.

Okay, slash Joey, you get 20% off your first fucking order. Who doesn't want underwear shipped to their house? That's awesome. That's awesome. You always need a new pair of underwear. Sox, too. Sox too. If they did it for socks, I definitely have six socks delivered every two years.

They have socks. You got to go, look. Let me tell you something about underwear and people sending shit to the house. It's tremendous. Yeah. I'm telling you, this church is about saving you time and energy. You don't have to go out, stand, online. You don't go to a fat man store.

Just go to me up. Sundays.com, get 20% off. Again, you guys have been watching me on that. You're going, what are you smoking, Joe? I'm smoking an E-hit, fucking a hit E-cigarette. Hit E-cigarette, I'm sorry. And a cigar. And that's a fucking cigar.

You understand me. It tastes tremendous. You go to Vegas. You need to smoke. Your fingers smell like your fingered some fucking dead bitch. Fuck that. You ever smoke a cigar? Your fingers smell fucking terrible.

With this, your fingers, you can stay good. You need a fucking shower. The smoke, they'll go into you. And you're fucking smoking vapor, which is healthy for you. One thing about hit E-E-Cigel. SIGS.com is they last long. Guaranteed 1200 pups for fucking thing.

If you get one of these cigarettes at a fucking 7-11, you get them for fucking like 16-17-17 pups. They have 0, 8, 16, and 24 milligram cigarettes if you want to quit smoking cigarettes. Yeah, I like the nicotine-free one because you got the taste. This is a great product.

It's in my fucking bag. I like smoking a cigar on TV. Go to HittiesS.com And get how much off your first off? 20% off when you say what? Joey's Church. Joey's fucking church. Get 20% off.

Joey's Church when you get one of these cigars. Whether you get the cigars, the no nicotine cigarette or the other cigarettes they got. You're not going to go wrong. 1,200 fucking pups for fucking $16. Trust me right now. Go to Hittiescigs.com and press what? Joey's Church.

Oh shit! In the box. Get 20 fucking things at all. That's how he roared. Also a shout out to what I... Nailed the life. Nailed the life. They were at the tapings last night.

Yeah, I sat right to him. And they told you to wait that they had something for me and you fucking left, that's sucker. No. They told me. They said you were too busy, and I had to leave before the last moment's over. So they had something. Next time somebody tells you have something, you sit there and you fucking wait.

They had peanut butter brittle and gummy bears. They gave me a piece of peanut burdle. Where is it? At home. So why don't you bring it here tonight? Because I know you're not going to eat it. You're not going to save it for fucking when the devil makes a comeback. You know?

You still got that goomy and a half of your house. If a devil makes a comeback, you're going to want to lose gumies or bananas. Oh, fuck up. I'm going to bramly get my own tonight. I'm going to bring it down to the fucking store. Go to. Hey, oh, go to NaileditLife.com. Naileditlite.com.

They got the best, best vapor pen on the fucking market. It's $50 with our discount. You get it for $40, mailed right to your house. Go to Naileditlife.com. Nailderlif.com. And you use the little bit... Joey Diaz, no spaces. David and my man do a great job what they do.

They got T-shirt on it. They got whatever you fucking need, all right? Any friend. For those you... I know, I got to go to bed. Where you going? I got a fucking early workout class tomorrow, Joey. CT scan.

Hey, for those you... Why you wear me out? For whoever... The last time you came, you're on a cleanse. You're drinking water with garlic in it. Every time you come, you come with something. Come when you're drinking. I want you to be festive.

I'm gonna... Hey, that's next week. I'll come back next week. All of a sudden, you're taking an insurance. Then you should have told me, Joe, I can't go tonight because I got to take an insurance thing. Leasn't eat a fucking edible by himself. Yeah. Poor Lee.

We're looking forward with the, you know, for you to get fucked up. Going on the bicycle and get hit. I told him when I started working out that I was going to get a bike. and he said no and then he called me back like 20 minutes and he's like let me explain myself these idiots are on me explain myself these idiots can't drive normally now you're gonna bike you're gonna get fucking hit

and then we can't do the podcast I'm gonna be at the hospital we're gonna do the podcast so you can't ride a bike so when he told me you were gonna bike here I'm like oh no because I knew he hates bikers makes me fucking nervous man I just had on a skateboard once in a coffee he looked at my skateboard for an hour he was like furious

you're an adult leave the skateboard at home Hey, for those you asking, when I said I was making $1,200 a week doing stand-up and saying it wasn't much money, you're forgetting to incorporate that we have to pay agents, taxes, managers, and for our flight, and our plane tickets. And it whittles down to, you should know how little $750 come turns out. Oh, no. It pays me out when I would work. My last job, I was making $1,300 a week. And by the time taxes got done, it was $900.

And I can't imagine That was just enough to pay like my bills I can't imagine having a wife and two kids And then agents and managers You're talking about 35% right off the top Right off the top it's gone Yeah And then you're talking about another 50%

Or 30% of taxes Whatever Whatever Are you going to this store now? Yeah I'm gonna go down there fuck around And do my spot and bomb But I'm getting stronger every day I don't get what fucked bro

What do you around next week? Last night he was amazing Are you around next week? Yeah. Yeah, let's do my house. I'll do all for your house. Nice. We'll bring the flying juice.

He has to eat up a little fucking edible. Well, we got to eat this one tonight. No, no, no. I want to see you guys kill it. No, why would you do that? Look at how fucking lucid Joey is. Yeah, well, that's Joey. Let's eat another one.

Out of respect for the church members. Why don't you finish it? Because he's got the fucking CT scan and the fucking life insurance. This is bullshit. Let's go for me. No, I can't have any more that time. Guys, guys. You go home.

You go home. It's not the fact that I'm going. I don't know. What's the matter? What about no, no, no. That's so, I'm so good. I'm already so high. Let's do another half and all you've done is one.

You did one whole one. I did fucking one and a half too. You're gonna leave me like this? What are you scared? I'm gonna leave me like that. Dude, because I'm already too high. So what? I need for you to go into that Michael Jackson's own.

You know what I'm saying? You can't die from it. You can't die from it. The only way weed can kill you is if he shot out of a cannonball. That's out of a cannon. I'll smoke. I'll smoke. I'll smoke.

This smells fucking delicious. Private Reserve. Private Reserve. Fucking sunset. They're good. They're good, dog. There's some good fucking, that place in San Diego that sent this weed with Jessica.

That Alpha Point, they had some private reserve. They were good, too. They got some good weed out there. Let's kill this. I respect. Out of respect. I'm going to kill the devil. Let's kill the devil. You can go right home. Jews don't believe in the devil. Yes, they do. The other devil.

You're fucking Jew cuck. I love you. Burke Christia. Thank you very much for coming on to church. I love you guys at all my heart Have a great weekend We will be back Monday night or whatever We don't fucking know yet till next week Who gives a fuck

Have a great weekend Stay Black Tomorrow's a tough day for our country Today is a tough day for our country It is what it is We're America bitches As a matter of fact The National Anthem

Let's go We're gonna open up with the National Anthem Let's do it And no faggy fucking harps And people sing No I got it saved Yeah I want the good fucking national anthem Are you ready?

Let's do this. It's September 11, people. It's September 11th. I know 10, 12 years ago we had disaster, and these fucking momos were walking around. What are we going to do, terrorists? The only fucking terrorist is the fear you have of yourself. We're fucking Americans.

You take that plane to hit the World Trade Centers and you stick that up somebody's fucking asshole. We're Americans, bitch. Don't you ever fucking forget that? That means we do what the fuck we want to do. We're Americans. Fuck ISIS. Fuck terrorists.

Fuck turbans. Fuck everybody. I hate all you motherfuckers. We're fucking Americans. That means nobody fucking stops us. We want our dicks up. We get our dicks up. That's what an American does.

Ask the fucking pilgrims. Fuck 9-11. Fuck 9-11. It'll never happen again. We're America. You don't ever have to be afraid again. Fuck Obama, fuck them all. We're Americans, you son of a bitch.

Grab your guns. Go shoot somebody. And you don't know, Joe Rivers. Fuck Joe Rivers. I'm not Joe Rivers. Fucking Joe Rivers. Oh. I don't know her.

Wait, are we done? We're done. Oh, okay. It's over. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay.

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to Naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks. Forget the vending machine and get smart and get snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle. Oh shit. There's two Cheapot Chewis in this bag. Oh, shit. I thought you were excited to barbecue kettle curls.

Go to NatureBox.com slash Joey. That's naturebox.com slash Joey. Oh my goodness. This is also sponsored by Onit.com Use Codeboard Church to get 10% off of stuff like Alpha Brain, New Mood, TrimTech, Immune, anything like that. Also go to meetundies.com slash joey

to get 20% off of your first order of great men's underwear and women's songs. Is this an Easter? Yeah. Can I take one? Sure. Take a couple of it. Speaking of that, go to hit e-tick.com

And get 20% off of a great E-Sig. sig using Code Road Joey's church. They have cigars, e-sigrets, and the proof is in the e-sig, and then go to nail the life.com for all the oil and wax smokers to get the premier vapor pen on the market. Use Codebred Joey Diaz. God damn it.

What's wrong? Fucking glasses, bro. We got another pair right there.