The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #213 - Joey Diaz, Elanor Kerrigan and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 16, 2014

Comedian Elanor Kerrigan joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Keep In Touch - Shades of Love I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Agua que Va A Acer -Patato Y Totico     Recorded on 09/15/2014 

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September 15th 32 years ago today I robbed my first jewelry store out of respect what? Church and what's happening now, bitches after it's all about grab your dick

tell mama to shave that pussy it's a whole new fucking set of rules motherfuckers what what? Dan, dan dun da-gaggaggaggaggaggaggagg

What's the story? What do you pop-bye? Where the fuck you've been, Pop-A. What the fuck you've been? I've been all around. What's the question? You picked her up Friday.

You're living over to like a doctor? You have to get the robe yet? No. What are you going to get the robe? What are you? What are you walk around? You're with boxer shirts, those fucking little things you wear with your big fucking feet with no socks on?

The mom bought me sandals this weekend. Did she really? Yeah. She came back. She bought the whole family sandals. She bought you those Mexican sandals. They make it over there from Tiawan all the way to San Diego. Yep.

She made me tacos this weekend, homemade tortillas. How many did you throw down? Only four? How many calories? I don't know how many of those are, to be honest. Not much. It's only Carnace Auto. Did you put them in the fitness book?

Not. We had a little bit of a cheat weekend. All right. What else has happened? What are you been? You went to the fucking? Went to Audball, which is very fun. I saw a bunch of people there were very nice.

People recognize your Adbalt. Yeah, there were a couple of cool people there. Sure. Because, I mean, they always go see you in Irvine. All right. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a great weekend. It's fucking hot, but yeah.

Got a good time at Audubon. Yeah, it was a lot of fun. It was a never been until like an outdoor comedy show. and a bunch of people did really good. So it was a lot of fun. It was a great time. It's different, though. Yeah, it was...

It's more impersonal. Like, it's even a $100 tickets, you're 30, fucking 40 yards away. More than that. More than that, right? Yeah, it was, we were in, like, the Lodge area. But it was fun. It was just...

I really like comedy shows because, like, it's kind of like the difference between watching it on TV and watching it in a club, like the entire club is supposed to be laughing. But with 15,000 people, seven and a half thousand aren't paying attention. and some of them are going to get drinks

There was a baby in front of us And like every time I see Every time I'm anywhere I think of stuff like what you would say And the baby was fine It didn't cry or anything But I'm like I kept thinking of what you say

About like how you're raising your daughter I'm like Can't a baby's hit her or don't come Because the mom spent half the thing Walking around with them What's the fucking use What if the fucking gunning goes crazy You start shooting people

You brought your fucking baby Like Batman When the guy brought the fucking baby the Batman midnight viewing. Why would you bring your fucking baby to Batman? There's no relatives. You can't wait till tomorrow to see fucking Batman. You know, this one I'm talking about.

Eleanor Carrigan in the motherfucking house. That's crazy. First of all, you refer to the baby as it. Don't do that. Don't do that. That's rude to me. I'm sorry, all baby listeners. They brought it. Well, it was just, I felt so bad. It was a cute baby. We were like, we're messing out before the show. Before the show, but.

But Joey's right. They're all cute. until somebody starts fucking shooting? You know, listen, I'm not saying people going to shoot you. I'm saying, Joy, why are you saying that? Crazy. This is your child. You know, when I was married 20 years ago, she had to fucking bug up her ass to go see pretty women.

Me, from a consumer side, when I sit somewhere and the baby starts crying, I get agitated. So here I have a baby now. Who the fucking am I to bring this baby to the movie theater? 10 minutes in, whether Richard Gere's on stage or the other pretty bitch, the baby started crying. I got to get up and walk out. side. It defeats the purpose.

It's the law diminishing returns. You know what? I'll stay home and watch the baby. Go see fucking pretty women. And that's how I feel about all those things. You know, if you're going to fly with a fucking baby, guess what? People want to sleep at night when they take a red eye. Don't show up with 22 fucking kids at night, crying.

People want to fucking sleep, man. You know, it's just little courtesy things. You want to fly with your baby? Get on that motherfucker at 6th of the morning. Then I'm like, I can't get mad at you. Yeah. There's little fucking things. A nice restaurant, really, you got to bring your child a comedy show. It's that important

to you to see fucking Sarah Silverman that you got to bring your fucking baby. Language, not a comedy show. What are you doing? What are you teaching him? It's not even that. The baby's half retarded. He's there in his fucking coma. My daughter's 20 months. What the fuck does she know what Louis C.K. is saying or what Sarah

Silverman saying? She's just sitting there with her head looking around going, why can't I fucking run? How old was the baby? Baby. Less than six months. Yeah. It was a baby. It was an infant thing. And it's kind of crazy because I'm interested to see what two comics have to say about it. And I had a great time. The show was mostly great.

But there were a few people there where it was like, if there was like a, if like, let's say Comedy Central made a list of top ten comics, they'd be on it and you're supposed to like them, but they didn't do well. And like, you too weren't there. There were comics who could have been there for a lot less money and our tickets would have been less. But it was like if you're a fan, like a generic fan of comedy would think those were the best people. that Dan Cook isn't funny, but I called my mom and told her about the show. She's like, oh, is Dan Cook there? It's like stuff like my mom is going to think those comics should be there. Dan Cook wasn't there that night. Yeah, well,

yeah, she loves Dan Cook. Is he the president of Massachusetts or something? He used to be. Who, your dad? No, Dan Cook. Oh, I saw a picture your dad with a club, man. Yeah. That wasn't his club. He worked in nightclubs for like 25 years. He did like... Promotions and singles parties.

He... He, uh, right before online dating came out and killed it. Is he the one that's in that picture that says Syatt? He was high heels and shit? He had high heels on? You could tell that motherfucker had a grandma. Short, yeah. You could tell that motherfucker had a grandma blow on his pocket. Oh yeah. Hell yeah. You could tell. That

motherfucker was the real deal. How can you tell? Dickie Syed. You could just tell. He had that outfit on on a Tuesday night. You wouldn't put some fucking suit on. Like those big front pockets. Yeah, it was like from the 80s, right? Or maybe early 90s, but he was on radio and that stuff for

20 years, so he must have. What's up of you, Illinois Carrey? A suit jacket with patches on his elbow? No patches. No patches. But he had always a fun of fantasy. Huge, huge, jufro. Always a pleasure to see Elinor Carrey and I bumped into it to Laugh Factory. I like getting women on the show.

I like women's perspective on comedy. I like women's perspective on life. But it's just too tough to find women that'll come in on a Monday night. They get offended, the language. Reefers, Smoke, Lee, you know. It's all different things. I know.

nothing offends you. I've known you now for 17 years. I don't, yeah, I don't know if I'm, I have the ability to get offended. Is that way? By anything, yeah. At this point, there's nothing really, we've seen a lot of faces come and go together. Way too many. I went to the store last week, two weeks ago. Yeah, you've been back. It's amazing. Yeah, it came to me, but Katie. And I gave her a hug, and I thought of all the fun nights I had, like, when she came to the store, it really put the East Coast into perspective. Like, when you grow up in the East Coast, there's always five or six people that put that neighbor into motherfucking perspective. Yeah.

They go to every party, ruin it. You know, Christmas is ruining it. Perfect. Fucking bars ruin it. Yes. And Katie was that person. Always. I loved her.

I loved her death. I loved her balls. I loved the fact that she was Irish and she had a nice ass and she had buck teeth and shit and fucking. The first night she worked. Well, not the first night, but the first week. week, I think. It was Christmas. They hired her right before Christmas. And she worked New Year's Eve in the belly room. It was a private party for Pauly Shore. She was working. Some girl was drunk and stealing her tit money. So she comes down, fucking wasted, mid-shift, and she's got blood all over

her knuckles. And I go, what happened? And she goes, I guess I'm fired. I fucked up this girl upstairs. She was taking money out of my tip jar, Eleanor. So I'm fucking out of here. And she just left, and I'm like, what? It was Pauley's assistant. And I was like, you're not fired. I'm giving you a promotion. That's hysterical. I remember one night she chased a dude.

Peter Chin? She chased a dude up a parking lot. Oh, yes. You know that parking lot next to the comedy? She had to get a run uphill. Yeah. Some dude and her were arguing, and she was at the bottom of the hill, and she kept, well, fuck you, motherfucker, because he was drunk.

And one thing led to the other, and she kicked that other shoe off, and she ran up and tackled. Didn't she pants some or something? We were screaming. Fucking hilarious. She's the real deal. They don't make them like a condo more. It's just nice to see all those people.

I was telling my wife, my wife goes, so how's it been at the store? You know, my wife was a waitress at the store. Sure. I told Eleanor was going to be honest with her. She goes, Eleanor was the first first, and I knew we were dating. Eleanor busted us at Rouse at 2 in the morning,

and I was fighting with it because she used to get margarine. And I used to, that was... Why are you doing that? I can understand that. He used to go, what fucking person gets Margarine? I didn't even admit nobody who buys Margar. Only you would get in a fight about butter versus Margin. Oh, my God.

Who eats fucking Margarine? I know, I agree. Like, fucking Martians eat fucking Marjorie. Does she now not eat Marjorie? Oh, no, she won't even dare bring that shit to that out. But I'll never forget that. So you want. So you guys live in things.

And she goes, I don't know. Yeah. He just showed up one night with a bag. That's it. That's fucking crazy. Terry's a great. Terrific, terrific person. Well, yeah, it must be hard to get offended

because not only are you a comic, but you were a waitress at a comedy club. And she has nine fucking brothers. I have six brothers. And so nine brothers and sisters or something like that. You don't get offended when you get hand-me-downs. You know, one-in-lawed in your face.

They make you come in the bathroom. They show you a piece of shit. Always. You know, yeah, that's what guys do to their sisters, man. Yeah, my brother, Johnny's the worst. He's like, come on, look at this one. I had to stand up to finish it. The fuck is wrong.

Well, they don't even say no. Give me, have you. They're something in the bathroom. I want you. And they lock you in the bathroom. That's why all these girls are tougher than fucking nails. They had brothers around them that tackled them. And I shared a room with them.

There was eight of us in one room, or seven of us in one room. How? We had a triple bunk bed, and then I had a mattress that pulled out underneath. And then we had a double bunk bed and a single bed, my brother, Tommy. Tommy, Johnny, Charlie, Jimmy, Bobby, Billy, me. Holy. So, like, I was getting hit with stiff socks every 30 seconds. It was a mess, but I didn't mind.

So six boys and three girls. Yeah. But my sisters were like 10 and 9 years older, like Karen and Kathleen. Karen's 10 years, Kathleen was 9 years. And they were at that age where they were like, fuck her, I don't want her in our bed. You know, so they kicked me out. And the boys were like, yeah, come in here. So I was like, hey, no one wanted to molest me or anything.

It was really upsetting. Fucking nice, six brothers. That's a, I remember dating Irish girls. that was the most complicated family system ever. Really? Because I feel like we're like easy. I mean, they're crazy. Not complicated, but in a sense that it's so, like I dated this girl,

and she's on Facebook now, and I see her on Facebook. I dated it for maybe three months, and I kind of cheated on her. I was a sophomore junior in high school. I kind of cheated on her. You know, we were swapping spit. I was sucking her tities in the winter, but nothing really happened. I'm saying? She let you suck her tits in the alleyway in the winter.

And she had great tits. The girl, I had a great body that hit it. Wow. And she was so Catholic with the three sisters and the four guerrilla brothers. So she'd let you feel her up a lot. No, there was no pussy. There was no ass. There was nothing.

You know, I would be sucking her tits and I'd go to finger, and she'd like, no. So there was a different girl that let me finger her and, you know, do crazy shit. And I cheated on, and this girl stopped talking to me. And we spoke years later, and she told me, she told me. She goes, I still have your Black Sabbath volume four, A-track. I bought you for Christmas. She goes, I refuse to give it to anybody else if you want. And I go, why would I want a fucking A-track?

Yeah. Like, I saw it 10 years later, and we talk like friends. And she's on Facebook now. There's three sisters still do shit together. It's my family. They married guys that all knew each other. Oh, wow. So Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, they're down this show.

And they put the pictures up. You know, they put the pictures up with them down seaside, Philadelphia. They go away together, their kids go to school together. And you look at it as, I don't know, some people might look at it as retarded. I wish I had something like that. Yeah, that's such a great community. I had six people to go away with, and I could just leave my kids with, I don't know, in sailing or drop your daughter next week. But did you get along as kids or was it crazy?

Oh, yeah. I mean, we fought because we're Irish. We did. And we were on top of each other. We were in a South Philly Roe home, so it's tiny. Oh, my God. So even our room was like T-90. Like no one was ever allowed upstairs.

My mother was like, people can come in announced only. No unannounced shit. Because the place could be turned upside down, you know? And then if the priest would knock on the door, my mom would freak out. She'd be like, hey, everybody picks something up. Like, should we get nervous? She didn't want the priest to see what slabs we could be. That's amazing.

When your Irish, the priest comes to your house once a week. Oh, my God. He eats dinner. Just knocking, looking for money. We need a roof. I remember the one priest. My mom gets mad when I talk about this, but he was like, we need money for a new roof. I'm like, I'm sleeping with fucking pots under my arms.

Really? We need a new roof. We don't have any money either. But they didn't care. They would keep common. And my mom would give him the money. When I first moved from New York City, New Jersey, I was friends with a lot of different families, but there was one Italian family I was really tight with.

I went over there. Him and I had fought, and after that fight, we became friends. Oh, that's such a kid thing. And the other day I was talking to the older, brother and the older brother doesn't talk to him or the rest of the family no more. And we were just talking about general shit. And he goes, you know what, they don't even do Wednesdays no more? They haven't done pasta Wednesdays after the house in 20 years.

And as he was telling me, they don't do it anymore. I got this coldness in my body because I was a Cuban kid. I lived with my mom and my stepdad. We very rarely ate dinner together. You know, I wanted to be a Walton kid. I admired what these people did. My mother had money. I had my own air conditioner.

I had my own cable box, my own TV, and my room carpeting, my own bathroom. But I would give it all up to have three brothers to jump around it night. Steve Simone talks about it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And all that shit. And he had that. My friend John had that on Wednesdays.

And it's amazing. On Wednesdays you go to his house after school. And there'd be a pot of pasta in the middle. Right? And you scoop it. And then there was sauce on the stove with the meat and everything. And I ate so much that the mother would go, you know, I rolled those meatballs with my feet.

And I would think about it like she fucking hated me, the mother. But the father loved me, the sister loved me, the boys love me, so the mother had to put up with me. But I told him this. I go, I still remember something obvious. That 20 feet from the stove, your sister would be cutting hair. At the time, she used to cut hair at a hair salon. But on Wednesday, she cut everybody in the neighborhood.

on the discount. My sister Karen did the same thing in the kitchen. So here you're eating spaghetti with air 20 feet away and not one fucking person would say hey there's hair going to be in my food. You just accepted it. When I told him that the other day he was dying of laughter and crying at the

same time. From the tears of joy how different the mentality was. Right there with Charles Bronson is we were fucking cooking, cutting hair she's shot cut some fucking long thing. It was like the TV on music was on The TV on, Donna Sum on, Volume 1 and 2, Greatest Hits. Wow.

That's why I learned to listen to that album. Every time I went over, they either had Barbara Streisand on or Donna Sumner. They were Italians. That's hysterical. That's what I used to clean my house to, Donna Summer. Live and more with my favorite album. It's a lifestyle. When he told me the idea on the phone that the family didn't do that, I got sad in my heart.

Because that's how I was introduced. I watched it on TV. Now I was, I would just sit there in awe. and listen to them say things to each other. Nice shirt you wore today, John. Fuck you, asshole. They shut the fuck up. Watch your language in front of mommy.

Don't talk. Don't be an asshole in front of mommy. You know, it was this thing that I didn't have in my house. Yeah, we talked at dinner, but not three fucking kids. You know, that's a different part of society that, you know, I fucking, the other day. But I would envy you as a kid. Yeah, I had the air condition of the fucking time. The idea I'm sitting there going when I came from Cuba,

I thought the more hot dogs I ate, the more American I was, Ryan. And now they're telling me I can't eat hot dogs. Who's telling you can't eat hot dogs? The fuck in the government, they're bad for you. Are they basically telling you your husband? I got to eat turkey hot dogs like this fucking gulluch over here. Don't fall for that shit either. Just let him go.

He told me that he was eating a turkey hot dog. I told him throw it away right now. You eat that soy shit too? No, I don't even stop it now. I would never get a turkey hot dog. I've been trying to eat. Turn Asian if you do that. Eat too much.

Your eyes will get slamming. You never do that mistake. You cut on the bun, you got like a gluten-free barn. Gluten free. Put it in a fucking tortilla. Do something different. Yeah, maybe a tortilla. You never cut back on the hot dog.

It's always Nathan or Sadbread or one of those other. There you go. Did they even sell that out here? All you ever see is like ballpark. Nathan's at rounds, bro. Yeah. Okay. Nathan's is at round.

You cut that motherfucker down the middle with some onions. You fry that motherfucker with some yellow mustard. Ooh. Ooh. You need to do a recipe book, like a cookbook. What fucking recipe? For all your random stuff. You do have random dice was talking about that.

You talk to his ex-wife. You would always, you guys would just exchange recipes. But really, it was you just telling her how to make things. Why? You could boil a hot dog and give it to me with a bun. This is a gummy hot dog. Oh, this is delicious. Get the fuck out.

You take a hot dog. You boil that motherfucker. for a minute or two, you let those water start bubbling. You take the hot dog out and you throw it in a frying pan right there, sliced down the middle with some raw onions, and you put some mustard right in that, motherfucker. In the pan? Right in the place.

Hot mustard? No, no, no. I'm saying about warm mustard. Listen to me. Then you throw the cold mustard back on. You throw the cold mustard back on. Okay, okay. And it neutralizes everything.

You didn't finish it. You didn't hear me out. I'm sorry. How are you going to fucking pick that new hairdo and not listen to the fucking hot dog. I was scared. And you take that, like, I was thinking of my entire. Like, I'm looking for a business.

Like, I like to own, like, a food business. But something simple. So why don't you? Something simple. So me and my wife want to move to, like, Louisville and open up something, like, authentic. Like, fucking, so today I thought of a new hot dog. A fucking hot dog with a slice of American cheese, raw onions, and baked beans, like those bush beans. Like, in it.

God damn! God damn! After three bonged. of misery. How is a Native American woman slash Irish and a Cuban guy can open up an authentic hot dog place? The same way I see fucking Hindus spinning around pizzas

in the year. You ever go to Mama's Grandmama's pizza? Big mamas. I used to work for them. Big Mama. Everybody in there has that armpit smell. Oh, it's disgusting. They have, when you go to the one on sunset. I know. The one by Martel, by Ralph. Right to Martel, go in there. At the door, it

smells like that punch, like ISIS armpit. Like with somebody from Isis with their armpit would smell like down that desert for 10 weeks, chopping off motherfuckers' heads. For everyone listening, he's talking about the pizza place that delivered to the Oscars this year. Oh, yes. It does smell in there. Well, let me tell you some of their pizza, my friend.

Have you ever seen how they make pizza by the slice? Yes, I work there. It's a pre-cut piece of dough. Don't tell me my pizza. And they sprinkle it on it. So if that's what the Oscars eat, welcome to my world, the rest of the world. That's why I don't eat pizza out here with these fucking. and Gentiles. I agree.

You go on Mama's pizza, they give you a clab of pizza, and you can see them make the slice. You don't do that. You make the pizza as a whole. You let it collagulate. Then you chop the motherfucker up. I'm not even Italian, and I fucking know that shit. The fuck is wrong with people. I don't know.

The Oscars. That's why those mutts are all going to die of gluten-free and fucking plastic surgery. You know, they don't eat fucking apples, but meanwhile, they got needles and fucking slazes in their eyeball. and shit to look younger. Put it in Botox.

Fuck you, cugs. What's up, Lisa? I love it. I love Issa's armpit. It smells like that. Yeah, when you go in there, you're like, oh, I'm sorry to know you guys are shooting the video. When you walk into Mama's Papa on sunset, I'm not trying to be funny. It is awful.

He's right. As soon as you close the door, you smell armpit. You smell heavy duty. I'm not going to say what national is. I don't want people saying you're being fucking racist or whatever. It just has that pungent desert odor. do it. But I can't tolerate. I can't tolerate that shit.

Desert. So that's why I'm going to mom and past. Somebody told me that pizza was good. I went in there one time and I held it one slice just as a sample, just to see, when I saw them put out the prefabricated slice. That's crazy. I can't do it, guys. I got nervous this weekend

because you asked me for pizza place. Did you try it? Was it okay? It wasn't bad. There's a place on Lowell Canyon, Stone, cold, stone. Let me tell you so. It's Daniel's Woodfire. It wasn't bad. Oh, I know that. My wife had the pepperoni.

It wasn't bad. I had the extra cheese, not bad, but I had the salad. The cream Italian dressing on the salad. Fucking delicious. Oh, that's good. And I ate that like a 10 o'clock in that. I had nothing else in. I just ate the salad with the tomato.

Do you ever go to Vito's or Jills? Vos is on Slosienica. Yeah. Next to the Chinese place. I'll give you a dollar if you can find parking spot. That used to be my Chinese place. Oh, my God. I used to go.

Rice is the shit. Rice? Rice? And I'm going to tell you why. Rice is the shit. Why? Not because of the Chinese soup or the twice-cooked pork or anything else. The chicken wings are to die for.

Do they have a sauce or the plain ones from like East Coast? This is a fried chicken wing with pieces of garlic and green onion. And they give you four wings per order. And you dip it in the hot mustard. You sound like you may have an orange. No, no, no, no. You're right? This is something from another fucking dimension.

Nobody was doing this. So then Vito's open to have the pizza place next door. It's not bad, but this fucking rice, the wings are rice. I've been eating at rice. It says 1990 motherfucking seven. And they changed owners. Now it's like a sushi place or something, right? Yeah.

They did something. I don't like you can't mix flags. I don't know. You're going to say Japanese. You're selling Thai. Why confused? If you put peanut in my twice cooked pork, I will stab every fucking Chinaman in this fucking restaurant.

I thought of you again at Audubal. They had like stands for food, and one of them was Chinese food, and someone next to me got it. And I turned to Paula. I didn't look at it behind me. Did someone just fart? And she pointed over, it had the most disgusting egg roll and rib. I don't need it.

But it would look like a 7-Eleven if they were going to do a Chinese rib. That's my favorite restaurant. I love 7-Eleven. I'm shit on that, yeah. The Italian sandwich was 7-Eleven? Have you had that motherfucker-fucking? No. But I am always in 7-11.

Listen to me. Listen to what you do. It's called the Italian sandwich. Listen to me. You're going to 7-Eleven in the back. I turned fuck going to it. He did this to me like one in the morning. Everyone breaks my balls. I'm always in 7-Eleven.

Listen to me. You go, forget the chicken salad on wheat. Okay. That shit will kill you. You'll be shit in the next day. I got sick off one thing. You go to 7-Eleven and you get the Italian sub. Take it home, throw the lettuce out, throw the peppuccini out. Take the cold cuts out.

Toast the bread with the co-cuts. Take it out. Put lettuce, tomatoes. Peppuccineas and vinegar on and call me back tomorrow. And tell me who the fuck you think you're dealing with it. You just got to dope it up. That's it's it's got to dope it up. I didn't realize you got to dope it up.

It's there. The pepperoni's real. It's delicious, but it's there. You just got to dope it up. You're going to put some effort into it. You just can't, don't, if you take it home with it, you're going to call me and go, Joey, you disrespect me. No. You got to do it. You disrespect.

Take it home. Take the guts out, all that Arabian lettuce and all that shit. The brown lettuce? The brown letters. What's a brown? Yeah, because it's been there. for the fucking this Tuesday. Then you take the bread, you toast it in one of those brawl ovens,

then you hit it with lettuce and vinegar. You cut it so the bread is crunchy. Yeah. That shit will change away. If you're going to 7-Eleven getting a sub, you don't have time for that. Yes, you do, because you don't have to always act like a fucking savage all your fucking life. You've got to be civilized every once in a while. They also have a tub of New York Superfudge Chalk.

See, it's a whole complete situation. A lot of people don't plan this shit. If you're going to go to Denny's, if you're going to go to fucking 7-Eleven to support ISIS, hit them big. That's who you're supporting. Is that what you're telling me? That's definitely a terrorist group. Look at them.

The one by my house keeps changing the color of his goatee. I got 7-Eleven cards. You don't change the color of your go-tee if you fucking aren't in the paper if somebody's not looking for you. Why would you change this from white? You know which one I'm talking about? He was out there the other night with the hose.

He always changed his face. They're always out there with the hose. They're always out there with the hose. They're going to get fine down here with the hose. off the fuck in front of the place. And they had to scare that homeless guy, but he was rapping to himself, the white homeless guy? Oh, brother. How scary was that one dude that can cross the street?

Wasn't it you and me or Steve Simone? Might have been Simone. Simone, yeah, and I tell you. 7-11 is where the actions are. It really is like a nightclub. I love it. Some of them you can't even get parking. You got park across the street because they got handicapped and they got this.

It's my favorite. How are you feeling? You ready for this? I'm pretty high. Kill this last piece. No, I'd have to. For your country? for your country.

No, no. I threw up the last time I'd fool. Look at this. You threw up the last time? He blames on sushi. Look at that. I would blame it on sushi. Come on.

One more piece here. One more for the government. Okay. Wow, you really. How was peer pressure for you? I know. That work out? He does it when we do live podcast.

He does it on stage. So. That's my board, though. But it seems like you have fun doing it. No, most of it's fun. His eyes are closed, but he's enjoying himself. I'll go home and watch ESPN for three days. I do that anyway.

Yeah, I know. But actually, before I take a bite, I want to talk to you. Before I take a bite? Yeah. Is it business? Yeah. No, because I'll have something to talk about. But I picked up my girlfriend. She lives in Englewood.

She's Mexican. And we dropped the mom off at a Mexican-independency party right across the street. And she called, like, right when we got home, like an hour later, five dudes in the alley that runs behind their house. Drive-by, all got shot and killed. Oh, no. And it was like, she was yelling. On the phone, she was yelling at the cops saying it was their fault because they don't come in the neighborhood. And it was just, I couldn't.

And the mom was scared and Paula was kind of scared, but I couldn't imagine having to live with that. And it happens all the time. All the time. And like, when you were doing, you never did stuff like that, but when you were like selling drugs, did you ever, like, worry about that stuff? Getting shot? Yeah. I can't even imagine. There's some fucking retard out there.

You see what's going on now on the fucking roads? People pull up to you and shoot you. What about last? Last week, some guy was just shooting people at random. That happens all the time. That happened on Highland and Sunset. Yeah. This is crazy, guys. So, every still look at this poor guy.

He's choking the death. Look at him. Swallow the fucking thing. Will you please? Hell yeah. You think when the hook is out there sucking dick and that sperm comes through the fucking condom, it tastes like rubber fucking milk?

You think that she's making faces? How long is he going to take you to drink this? Look at them. Holy shit. What am I watching? What am I dealing with here? Swallow a bad thing around. Is this what Jewish porn is?

What? It's a big piece. It was a small, tiny piece. Now you're back. Look at you. What do you want to go eat at? How many calories you got left? Can he get any calories? I got $155.

Are you all weight watchers? I'm on everything. I'm on my fucking fit diet or whatever. What's that? The Eagles won. What was the score? 3027. Oh, shit.

Everybody picked a super cult. The cults were beating them for a while. Yeah, they were beating them 20 to 6. Monday night. You never put a bucket. We never seen a bookie with a part-time job on a Monday night. No. If I tell you once, I'd tell you a thousand.

thousand times, don't fuck with Monday nights. But, yeah, like, there's drug dealers who hang up by her house and I always see them. Like, not even, like, dealing with gangs because that's who did it, apparently, there's a gang. But, like, when you were going to pick, just pick up some Coke and anywhere.

Like, and that's where it happened. I couldn't imagine having to deal with that. You never know when you walk into a Coke house, the cops are going to kick the door down. Yeah. I don't know. When I saw you, the main reason when I put you on the show is because this is something we talk about all the time and it's work and

come in when I met you you were the head waitress at the comedy store now you just taped a special for show time six, seven, eight years fucking later. Seven and a half. And I gotta take my heart out to you. I mean, it's a great accomplishment.

You know, I've always loved you and broke your balls and we've had a lot of good laughs but that's something that you know, and you're friends with dice, he loves you to debt. I mean, you're his goomba, you keep him fucking solid when everybody, when he's going off You're the only one that could say shut the fuck up, bitch. He's still married?

Yeah, yeah. He's still married to the Mexican chick. He's still married to the... She's Mexican, Italian, and Jewish. I'm fucking believing. Yeah, and he goes, you know, every once in a while he'll say, Joe Diaz is right. These Latin girls, man.

These fucking Latin girls, they're fucking nuts, man. Well, you want to even crazier now. I date her uncle. So you keep it all in the family. Yeah, he's Italian and Jewish. And how's Max doing? Max is doing great. The band is still together.

The band is together. They're playing somewhere. The other door is the name of a place they're playing. It's either on the 24th, September 24th or October 2nd. Now what's Max's his brother? Dylan. Dylan. Yeah.

They're called L.A. Rocks. If you ever get a chance, look up their music, it's phenomenal. How long have I known? This is Dylan. Gosh. Yeah, they just, Dylan will be 20 next week and Max is 24. Crazy, right? I know Max when he was around 10.

I met. Dylan when the mother was pregnant with him. Oh, my God. How creepy is that? It's amazing. I've known Andrew 21 years. You know, I stopped going. And I've been going down there for 17.

I know Andrews since he was, his cousin used to go on there at night. Jamie. The fucking cousin every night. Yeah. You know, it's amazing. Every night I come home the next morning. You know, I talk to Terry every night when I get home. You know, if it's for 10 minutes.

Some nights I make and get up. Yeah. I can go get coffee with me outside. I can't. I can't fucking believe you're waiting a man. I love that. But, you know, I tell how much the store has changed. It's a different beast now, right?

And what it is and what it's done to me the last three weeks, it's just made me a different, you know. And people didn't understand. Like, I made this comment one night, and I felt shitty after I made it. It was in front of like two younger comics. And I said, they said, well, we heard you back at the store.

And I said, you know, you can only get so good follow. own people at the ha-ha and at flappers. You can only get so good. If you want to be a killer, you've got to hang out with fucking killers. And that's the fucking store. It makes your heartbeat, you know, that's what I want to be pushed. You know, it's amazing when you work out by yourself and when you work out with a trainer. Yeah.

It's amazing when you go home and go. Oh, every muscle hurts. Everything hurts because you push yourself because somebody pushes you. You know, I would go to the ha-ha-hide night fresh off, like, I'm going to take a shit and go down to I would look at a notebook. Flappers the same thing. When I go to the comedy store, you better look at your notebook

before you go down there. Oh, yeah. You're going to make a couple notes. You better, you know, you have to. It's, and for me, it was everything. Yeah, me too. Nobody understands that I walked away from everything because there was reasons.

I disrespected the plays. Maryland, it wasn't time. I didn't do it, Tommy. Right. It was just everything that was going on. It was a lot. It was a lot. It was a lot.

It was a lot. You have to know when the, fucking closed the door. You have to know when to fold them. Yeah. And that's what happened. And after the Maryland thing, I said, I definitely got to stop going down there. You mean with the fight? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I said, I got to stop going down there. It was well needed. Yes, it was well needed. And I felt good, you know, and it's funny how it came to me. You'll watch the movie being there. Yeah. With Peter Suggles. I had to do a colonoscopy. Okay. They called me, Tommy got fired like on a Wednesday. I said, I don't know. I was on the

He's cold. Something happened. He got fired, and somebody called and said, you're going to go back to the store? I said, absolutely not. And I was getting a colonoscopy. And the reason why I got the colonoscopy is because of Marilyn Martinez, that's the cancer she had. Yeah. So when I went home and told my wife, did they offer me a colonoscopy?

She goes, you know, that's the cancer that Maryland would have done that. She wouldn't have died. Maryland also used to bust my balls about being there. She always goes, you've never seen Peter Sellers in that fucking movie, and I'm like, no. Why would I watch them if he's not inspect the guy? clues up. And she's like, watch the fucking movie. So it was on IFC when I taped it with commercials.

So this night, I watched it. Yeah. Yeah, because I was like, oh my God, being there, though. This is three months ago, and I taped it and didn't watch it. And I get up one night, you have to drink the potion at 5 in the afternoon to make you shit. So I can put the camera up the hospital. For the clonoscopy. Oh, oh, I was like, wait, what the fuck is

is happening? And then you got to get up at 2 in the morning. I go see, makes you watch it. And drink another Kool-Aid. Yeah. And that makes you shit even more. That goes deep into the bowels and Oh, wow. Yeah, it's probably aloeira water or some shit. It's fucking got sandpaper. My boyfriend does that.

And the next thing, no, no, this is the shit that the hospital gives you with a prescription. Yeah, this is horrible. Ugh. So I got up and they tell you, don't go back to the sleep because it's a waste of your time. Just sit. So I spoke to joy and I watched his move. And it's basically about God. Yeah.

It's a mission of God. And when he walks away at the end, that's what I cry a little bit, like I really hit me. And I said, this is Marilyn telling me to go back to the store, cut the shit. I'm in the next morning when I got back on the car, I told you on the drive down. Yeah? I decided I'm calling for spots at the store. That's it. Amazing.

And it was just like a sign. It was that crime. Isn't it kind of crazy that, like, already tweeted today, though, this was the day he got passed or whatever. It's like still his biggest accomplishment as he's filming a TV show. And I was just thinking it's kind of cool that, like, sometimes you've talked to comics about getting into different comedy clubs. you left the store for seven years and you can just call them and tell them you want to do spots and they'll just let you up because you got passed and you're like a member of it so like that must have been pretty cool even though you left for seven years well he's still joe diaz he's still like a relevant great comic it was a member you know it kills me that there was a lot of names on the wall yeah because there's a lot of names of people who came through town they don't even do comedy anymore exactly but there's names of people there who really worked who really worked hard And then they just zeroed it on the comedy store. I was one of those people.

I knew when I came to town, the first place I was going towards the comedy store. I didn't know about the laugh actually. I don't know about Bud Freeman's fucking improv or ends Mitchell and the fucking... Ew. Don't bring that creep up. He wasn't even around at that time. In fact, I worked with him in promotions upstairs. Me, Larry Vizzo, when I got passed.

Larry Vazio. I was going to telemarketers upstairs. No, you weren't. Yes, I don't remember that. And that's hysterical. weeks or four weeks. But it's amazing that the comedy store meant that to me. Like when I came to this town, I went to Alcapulco to eat dinner, and I went to the comedy store. And I seen James Stevens the third. I saw Lenny Eddie Griffin, and I saw somebody else down there that

and they got me on stage before Don Barris. And that was like, I could have died that night. Even if there were eight people in the crowd, it didn't matter. Yeah. I got on stage at the the comedy store. It was the idea of the comedy store. Didn't matter. No matter. There was no open mic. Nobody needs to know that. It was on my resume now, bitch. I went home that night. I put comedy store on that motherfucker.

Sunset Strip, LA, motherfucker. That was huge. The OR. That's huge. And then for her to tell you to come back after five minutes. And then for her to tell you that you're a regular call. Scott tomorrow for spots. Did you showcase once?

Twice. Wow. One Sunday, three minutes. You made me come back and do ten. Okay. That was it. I got here January 29th. I was past February 19th.

Wow. Three weeks in. Doug Stanhope preferred me. Yeah, that's your comic that referred you? Okay. And Carl was McC. Oh, okay. And they were kind of her favorites.

At least at that moment. She changed favorites a lot. I was just telling somebody in the story. I worked, I was her personal assistant. system for like six years. The worst thing. But she got me my first stamp in my passport.

So we went to the Dominican Republic to get stem cells. You know how fucking frightening that was? That I had Mitzie Shore, who every comic is waiting for her approval. And she's in the fucking Dominican Republic getting stem cell injections.

When you first started comedy, did you do it at the store? Because like, I could, I worked at a place for too long sometimes, and, like, they always see you, they always saw me as, like, the intern. Yeah. So, like, did you, was it weird, was it weird going there? Once I started doing stand-up, yeah. Like, even getting validation from Joe, Dom, Irera, Joe Rogan, any of these guys, because you guys, I was idolizing you guys.

You know, not that I wanted to be a stand-up, I had no interest in being a stand-up, but just waiting tables and laughing my ass off at you guys. And I'm like, when I started, I remember going to me. And I was like, hey, I'm going to start doing this one woman show. Can I work it in the belly room? And she was like, yeah, because I would never go on the original room stage unless that's for real comics. I'm going to be an asshole in the belly room for a little bit, you know? And so she was like, yeah, do it.

And then Dice came one night with his girlfriend at the time and watched. And he was like, you're doing stand-up. I'm like, no, this isn't stand-up. This is a one-woman show. because I'm talking about my family. He's like, no. And then he took me on the road with him. And I was it.

I was like, oh, shit. I haven't done the one-woman show yet, but I have, like, gone on with him and just, like, filming this special is, like, a giant thing. It's only 10 minutes, I think, but I don't care because it's dice giving me the validation of you're a stand-up comic. That's hard. Dom watched me the other night in the ring room and said, you know. No, Dom had you on the show.

show last week with me. A million times. Yeah, but I'm saying... He sits and watches now and he goes, you know, because I've worked with him in Philly. I've worked with him in La Jolla. You know, all over. But it's just, you know, that validation, like him saying, really funny stuff. Like, I'm picking

out bits and going, this is terrific, this bit, blah, blah, blah. You know what I mean? So I know I'm doing it or going in the right direction. Because you guys... Feels good, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's like, that's amazing. And to go on that OR stage, I would never until I was ready. I was terrified to do it. So I didn't go on for a long time there. But now it's my favorite. I get pissed if I don't have OR spots. People have no idea that my first, okay, so I got out of prison in February, and the guy that was my roommate that

I spoke to the other day, said that you got to watch this comedian. And he kept giving me this VA said, I'm going to watch them in the fucking halfway house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think it took him like September. It was Andrew Dice Clay live from Philly. Oh, yeah? And I was blown away. And that New Year's, we weren't allowed to go out in the halfway house.

So I put that tape in. I got a bunch of guys. They said, I okayed it. We had a party. No beers, no drugs, just soda and popcorn. And we died of laughter at Andrew Dice Clay. That's amazing. And I think I got on stage maybe two years later.

And to go to the store and see him walking around. Oh, yeah, because he would just be milling. It's mind-boggling. It's mind-boggling for a guy, and I would never say a word to never, never, nothing. Until one night there was a situation with Marino and Luca, and he was furious. He said they were stealing his essence, and Scott Day and him were arguing, and I tried to explain to Andrew that when you start doing comedy, you always do somebody else until you get your persona. I go, Jesus, when I started doing comedy, how was you?

So my voice came on. And he goes, I never thought about it that way. He was very angry, but he called the house three days later. Can you imagine when you go home, you check your message, and there's a message from Andrew Dice Clay. What happens to him? And then he took me on the road to Vegas with me, Bobby Lee, and Jim Norton. Before Jim Norton.

Yeah, with the Bad Boys of the Comedy Tour. This is craziness. And it was, you know what I'm saying? Like, that just gives you something. Like, if you die right there, you're good. Yeah. Like, as you're going through heaven, you're like, you know what, whatever. I became a regular at the store, and I went on the road with Andrew Dice Clay.

What did you do with your life? You know, like, that's how, to me, it meant that. It was a stripe. Like, it always has been. I'll never forget Andrew for the shot of confidence he gave me. And everything he, the first time, the first two or three movies I booked was with Andrew's advice. Every time I use Andrew's advice for how he booked crime story, I do it. I become Andrew in a fucking run.

he says that can't let them roll that fucking camera roll that motherfucker camera drag and watch this and he would do stuff backwards that's the genius like you would do the story backwards everything like he would whatever you do it backwards

you know in an audition like he you know it's just amazing the knowledge that man has the knowledge Andrew Dice Clay has he could change your comedy stylings with five sentences like do this

hold your hand this way then he'll always throw something in like Mitzi that's outlandish sometimes yeah yeah you should wear a hat with a snake on it you know what I don't say like so like no I don't like snakes

when Mitzy would see you on Sundays she'd always give you that was a grain Jones you're looking thinner I have an idea right there your whole body cringe you're like oh next week I want you to dress like Fidel Castro

and put a handcuff on and go on stage. I think it would be funny. She told me that 18. Are you kidding? But she would, like, this was Mitty. If Mitty told you something on Sunday, she was going to forget it by Monday.

Hopefully. But if the talent coordinator called you on Wednesday and re-mentioned it, that's not good. What would she say? Like, if she saw you Sunday and go, Lee, come here, Lee, I want you to wear a rabbi suit and put your ass on fire up on stage. the end to close.

You're like, that's funny, Mitzie. That's a great idea, and you leave. And hopefully she'll forget it. Hopefully people will talk to her, and that's out of her memory. But if the talent coordinator calls you on Wednesday, he goes, I got a message from Mitzie Shores. She gave you a spot of 10-30 in the main room. She wants you to wear a rabbi suit.

Oh, my God. You're fucking done if you don't wear that rabbi suit. Yeah, and if she caught you without it, you were fired immediately. She did that. I saw her do that to an. number, a handful of comics. She told Carnelli to put the guitar back or something.

He didn't do it. Oh no. She fired him immediately. She fucking, she told him one night, bring the guitar back. So when he got off stage, she kept saying, fuck up. I don't need no guitar. I'm funny as it is. So she told him again. If you don't do the guitar, you're not going to

get spots no more. So he's out there when they yelling at the building one night. Fuck the comedy store. I don't need the comedy store. I go to the ice house and develop and I'll come back in, I'll blow all these comics out of the water. About two months there, I see them at the Union. When they should do the Union. No.

What was next to the fucking Union? What was the place where Dane Cook got made? On sunset. Upstairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Dublin. Upstairs. Dublin had an upstairs.

Yeah. They did comedy, but these two parties there. There was a room up there one night. We were all up there on a Wednesday night. We did some comedy up there. Ahmed and Jay. I met in Jay. This was way before it became that.

It was killer. This was a summer of 98. Summer in 99. Danny Kelly was the talent coordinator. Ew, I forgot. Heath was in there for a minute. 98. Throwing heat.

Throwing heat. Throwing heat. Throwing heat. And John Carnelly's there. He's like, yeah, I'm thinking I going back. That's in the war started between him and I. Because he says, I'm thinking I'm going back to the store. And I go, what happened to Mr.

I'm not ever playing the guitar again. I go, I thought you were going to develop somewhere else, Mr. I'm not going to play the guitar. I go, now you're begging for a spot. I guarantee you show up with a 12-man band. He fucking was pissed. So you guys have a thing? Not anymore.

He's disappeared. Who knows where he's. I've worked with him like two months ago. John Cardinal, which one you told him? In Vegas at the Laugh Factory. I did a guest spot. The weird one, the one that you sang out with Johnny Sanchez. Johnny Sanchez.

Okay, so I see him about a week later, and he has a little bit of attitude towards me. And he goes to me, oh, you're getting ready to go on stage? Shouldn't you be doing a line of Coke? Isn't that what makes you fun? No way. And I go, bitch, listen, I don't need no fucking guitar. I don't need no line of Coke. And he kept talking.

He was a Johnny Sanchez, and I had a Heineken bottle or a glass. Oh, I had a glass. They hate each other, man. No, yeah, yeah, they all do. Everybody hates Johnny Cardonelli. I take the fucking glass, and I whip it out of his head from, like, where the lineup is in the OR. He was by, like, midway, he ducked, but they got the fuck out of that. Like, that was it.

Once somebody throws a glass at the comedy store, like, I'm crazy, Doug. You threw a glass at somebody? Fuck, yeah. Good, yeah. So the next night I'm driving by Martel, and I see him, and I'm parked, and I'm in traffic by, what's the bar that closed down on, across my 7-Eleven while I were, where. But Terry used to hang out.

Everybody used to go there at night. Oh, yeah. Coaching horses. It's now something weird in English. Sanchez walking out of there and I beeped on him. He goes, pull over. He goes, last night I had nothing to do with me. It was all John Cardonelli.

Because I threw a fucking glass. You know me how old. I love Johnny Sanchez. Oh shit. Oh, good. Yeah, let that out. What if you need? Dog, I had that fart.

It was at a taco. A little Tony Bennett here for you motherfuckers. It's Monday, September 15. Get out there, cock suckers. I want to be around. What? To pick up the pieces. How are you feeling, Elise?

I'm really high. When somebody breaks your heart. I would have been high before that that would be. Who takes care like Uncle Joey? Play the music. Oh, yeah. Twice as smart. That's I.

A somebody who... Let's take a texting break? Come on, let's go. Come on, music. You used to do with me. Who leave you to learn? Text, nobody. My buddy's ball me like a fucking try.

I'm fucking drunk. That misery loves company wait and see I mean All right, what happened Cuckusker.

What's the gig on about it? Everybody's gig on. I love Tony Bennett. I'm just very proud of you. Thank you. And we're, you know, we're doing an Australian tour for the first time.

Who is? Me and Dice. Come on. October 1st, through the 29th. And we'll be all, over Australia, a bunch of it, I think

it's like 18 shows, 17 shows, something like that. And then one... 29 days? Yeah, and one show in New Zealand. You'll have a good time, man. I can't wait. Neither one of us have ever been... And who else is going? Just you two? His wife, Happy Face. It was like

a road manager slash bodyguard. And then... He has a karate school in Jersey. Yes, yes. Happy's the band. And then who... One other guy might go, I don't know, like a manager or something of something like that. His manager, Bruce, I think.

I think he's going. I don't know. Every day it changes, so we'll see. And you still get on stage every night? Every night I get on stage. Even if it's like a stinky one, I still do that. I don't care. Like some guy came up to me at the improv last night. He's like, hey, you ever do a bar show?

I'm like, hell yeah. I don't care about not getting paid because you make your money, you make your money on the road, you know. But to come up with new stuff, you got to do those shows. and to still feel like alive, you got to do those shows. I mean, I don't, Adam's great to me at the comedy store, so I get, like, late night or, like, a killer opening. Like, I open the main room, and then I did, like, an 1145,

so it's kind of like you get the best of both worlds, and I did a 1.45 the other night in the belly room after the Long Beach and opening the main room. I love that, bouncing around, trying to get three, four shows in a night. You can get three. You can get three. Four is tough. I've done four.

Three I could do. Three I could do. It's just driving. In a night. Yeah, I could do three in a night. Yeah, it's just the driving part. Four is fucking tough. But you could do it.

Like, if you have the laugh facts you got a Monday and the comedy store open, Mike, you got those two covered. So I got to pop two more so you catch the ha-ha. I haven't been there in a while. You catch the ha-ha contest tonight. And you catch flappers. Oh, fly-ha. Slippers. Yeah, there's always an open mic there. I forgot about that.

So you go to LaFact, you didn't jump up here and do those two, and then go to comedy, so it was up until two. What about the improv? Could you do the improv too? Could you do all like five or six? Yeah, well, he's just taking Monday. I used to do triple crowns on Monday. I got like three triple crowns.

It used to be freaky Monday. So white people go from 8 o'clock to 840. When do you go up? Oh, you're white? I'm sorry. This is when they did that. They don't do it no more. They don't do it no more.

That freaky Monday. I feel like I remember that name. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Dave Vettel and Pablo Francisco and Doug Stano. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Chris, the guy from Friday, it was a great show on Monday nights. Yeah. Now it's hosted by somebody else, great kid from Chicago.

Hold on. That does all the movies, with the blue eyes. Mike. Whatever, but they only put three comics on them, and they're all black. Yeah, yeah. You know, unless you want to submit yourself to that fucking torture on Monday night. It's back. I do do a lot of black shows.

Yeah, everybody's on the fuck. phone. You know what? With the black phones, with the black for black phones. With the black rooms, I always tell people if you last a minute. Have you ever done the Sam Manuel on a Wednesday for the Laugh Factory? I just did that last week. My boyfriend was screaming laughing. I saw him pacing in the back because he saw me sweating. It's mixed. It's a two hour drive. It's predominantly black, but it is mixed, but it's like real, the worst of every mix. Does that make sense? The worst of the Filipinos. Yeah.

They're yelling out. They would yell at me. Gabriel, get off the stage. Yeah, they make dice shows look teaching. No, no, no. I won't go down there. I was sweating. And I had to do 30 minutes.

Hey, for 30 minutes, I'll do the drive, man. I'm not doing, I know. I did enough of those. Well, see, yeah. You don't pay my dues. I didn't. I'm still paying. I fucking, I used to drive to Chino for 40 bucks on Sunday nights.

This is good money, though, because it's a laugh factory. Yeah. Oh, Josh Wolfe. to drive to fucking San Bernardino for fucking shit money and all these gigs. I developed in the Latino rooms.

I was very lucky because there was dirty Mexican rooms. I'm very fortunate because I always got 1145 at the spot. That spot's always going to be there.

So now I got his choice. I can sit at home and do nothing or go make 80 bucks for some blow. I would hit Casa Latina and pick up 40 and hit Felipe's room

and pick up 40. There you go. The store, Chewy be right there, pick up a 50, boom. You got 30 left off at gas. Poor Chooey. Yeah, you know.

Does it give you anxiety? What? Does it give you anxiety? Because, like, I've gone out of, like, a few times in the last few weeks with you. And, like, you'll say I got 10.50. You'll get there at 10.45 and they're 30 minutes behind. Yeah. Like, it would give me anxiety knowing actually I was supposed to be at the store.

Yeah. And you didn't even have a cell phone, so you probably couldn't call and be like, hey, is it cool if I'm late? Like, does that happen a lot where you miss spots? At the store, I always know they're going to be late. Or I'm going to walk in and they're going to go, thank God you came, we have no comics. Yeah. Okay.

I love when that happens. You always have a 20-minute window at the store. Okay. So that, as long as they, you know, when I was coming up, you always had Dice, Mooney or Eddie Griffin on stage. Where they were bumpy. Three nights a week. Yeah. So you always knew that.

So you called at nine and they said any Griffin's here. I'm going to take my time with Felipe's luncheon. Don't even bother. Yeah. Don't even bother until about one. you just know. You just know how to time them. So look, what would happen?

Let's say you had a spot, didn't call in and just missed it. Like, do you get, do you not get brought back? The comedy store, if you have a spy, you miss it, nothing. Nothing. Really? I call the next thing and apologize. You fell asleep, you know? Whatever it is.

You were tied. You got caught in traffic, whatever. You know, you just, there's a lot of clubs that won't fucking tolerate it. The laugh factory won't tolerate it. Yeah, I've had to cancel at the store, like for, like if filming runs too long or something. You know, and that's, they don't get pissed. No, they don't get pissed. And the Laugh Factory, I guess I haven't canceled on them yet.

I go, if Dane Bunch me, I leave. And then they get pissed off me, they won't give me a spot for a month. Really? I've already been bumped a thousand times. I'm not doing it. And every time I go to Laugh factory, Dane Cook goes to bump me because they put me on last. Oh, I see. So he doesn't want to go on last.

So he bumps me. I leave. I don't give a fuck. They don't do that at the store no more. Nobody comes in to bump anybody like that. And if they do, they do. 15 minutes. I don't mind. Jet Appleto has been coming in. Yeah, and he'll do 15. Yeah, and they get upstairs.

He's not doing an hour, two hours. Listen, man, it was a long time without the store. I really appreciate it again. I got the appreciation I got when I remember being out there one night at 1 o'clock in the morning, and I'm waiting. Like in those days, that was the last. No, no, no. There was spots still two. But she would give me one in the morning.

And I'm sitting out there when I talk on Dave Tyree. and going, here I am at one in the morning. He goes, I guarantee if they put that sign up spots at the comedy store, one in the morning. They'd still get 100 signatures. How lucky are you? You know, how lucky are my... That's how I look. I'm very fortunate, man.

That's right. You know, when I went into a laugh at you, they told me to leave buddy. You don't belong in this town. You belong in a nightclub. You're a nightclub comedian. You're dirty. People love you in Las Vegas. Look at Las Vegas.

I didn't do it. I didn't listen to him. No, of the improv made me a regular, but the comedy store, she loved exactly what the fuck we were doing. Yeah, because she loved exactly. All different. All different. Like, you can never look at the lineup and go,

all these people are the same. They're all different. You might go in there, Brian Shell, might be up there doing impersonations of Elvis or Heath Hitch. The main room, she'd have that Janice heart. Janice Hart. He's swinging shit around her neck. What was the fat chick?

What was the Italian chick from Boston? Oh, Cheryl Vendetti? Where is she? She said, she just got married. married to a woman, and she's doing great. She just bought a house in Studio City. Sherylvin. Daddy's still around? She ain't doing comedy.

I think so. I think she does a cooking show, comedy cooking show, something like that. Faberman together. I know Favorman does it, too, but I think Cheryl does. I don't know. I have to look that up. I could have messed that up. It's just amazing, the people that went through there.

Yeah. I went through there with a lot of great people, a lot of shitty people. To go up there now, I just told already they on the phone, I don't know how you feel. I think I'm going to get him on the show next week. I think right now I go to the best working comic is Sebastian Manuscalco. Wow. Interesting.

I think he's made me fucking pee the last three weeks. And it's hard to make me laugh at this point in the fucking game. I agree. He's made me fucking laugh. He's so overly animated. I love it. I can't. Like that kind of shit kills me.

He's Andrew meets Dancook. But he definitely found himself. He found himself. But for a while he was. Yeah. That's what makes him very funny is that he found himself. That material is for him. He knows that the fucking thing about the Chipotle,

the meat and the cheese. The bouncing? The bouncing, I fucking died. You know, little things like that. My niece is 12. She loves him because they can't watch it. He don't curse. He doesn't curse.

He bounces around. He's silly. You know, that's weird. I never realized he was clean. Yeah? Ish. He can be dirty. He can be dirty, but he won't.

Okay. He prefers... If they pay him big money, he'll be cleaning, and then go bed dad. That's crazy. Because some comics, when they're cleaning, you notice it. I never noticed with him. He's the second guy I'm impressed with the most. Who's the first? You.

Oh, I love that. You know what that? Bro, when I met Sebastian, he was like Vito. Remember when they brought Vito over? He was half retarded. Remember he kept singing that song on with no shirt on the fucking old? I think I leto. Escanamity.

What? And the godfather, too. When they brought Vito over, he was retarded at first. Later on, he blossomed. Somebody sucked his dick, and he got crazy. Of course. But when they first brought him from a minute. Remember when he had the fucking measles?

And they put him in the room by himself. And he was singing out the window. Ask God you, me. Then he got his dick sucked. And then he got his dick sucked. And the autism jumped right out of him. The autism. That's what gets you.

You're like one of those nine-year-olds to get his dick sucked real good? He was pinning a dollar to marry. And that fucking autism jumps right out of you. Like a fucking, he just lumps away. What does he do? He just creeps away. And we wonder why not higher in the iTunes charts? What?

We're going to suck the autism right out of him. I think it all suck my dick. iTunes, the autism people. I don't give a fuck. Why? Let me give a shout out to some beautiful people here. Daryl, Marriott, William McGrath. I love your clock sucker.

Michelle El Nino, Michael El Nino, who the fuck knows? Adam Rose, Peter Kendrick, James Middlewich, Lando, Ray Dean, podcast, Brandon O, and Jared Cherizo. I don't know. I want to give you a shout-out.

That's all that's going on. That's very nice. Who are these people? Nice people that, you know, they listen to the podcast, they subscribe, they always make a nice comment. I try to make that day

by telling them I acknowledge them. You know, I love that you hear. You listen. Thank you for fucking supporting us. We use this type of language. You talk about ISIS armpits. Not everybody likes this, you know what I'm saying? People will listen to Lawrence Welk would never turn this show on.

No. La Consionetta. I'm here in this fucking room. They killed my mother. They killed my father. They killed my brother. And they sent me on a fucking boat and shit. He got the autism sucked out of him.

That's amazing. What do you have to do to get the ice? Isis armpit out? You have to take bats. No. That's a good. I don't know if there's like a sexual thing. Bro, I don't even think ISIS exist.

What? I think it's bullshit. I was looking at the tape playing in the YMCA. I was on the epileptical. And I'm watching this thing go down. If you're going to chop my head off, I'm going to run. You're going to catch me. They just sit there like fucking dummies.

Like, all right, chop my head off. And they got an orange robe on. You know what? It would take nine of those fucking stinky fucks to put a robot in. And after you made me. kneel down, if I know you're coming with a hot knife, you don't have to catch me and cut my fucking head off. Don't you think they drug them or something?

I mean, most people don't move. I think they're drug them. They're just sitting there like fucking, like one of Jerry's kids. They don't know what the fuck's going on. They're just sitting there like in a fucking chair. We just dropped down again on the iTunes. Who gives a fuck about it?

I don't give a fuck no more. We're talking what's in your heart here. I would like Wolf Blitzer to be like, and now we're a special correspondent, Joey Diaz. Fuck, bull. In Iraq. Them fucking people. Those fucking assholes aren't real.

Fuck, the ISIS. Fuck, Iraq. I don't know. What am I going to do? I'm only one. I agree. I can't go a little more with everybody. But you're right.

It would take a lot more. They would have to draw. They definitely drug them. They would flip the fuck out. They just sit there. Like, you get ready for you to chop my head. Okay, I'm not going to move. What?

This motherfucker show up with this black mask on. I'm doing something. Unless they tie my feet. What are you going to do, typo? I'll fucking run for it and give me an elbow. I do something. bite that motherfucker. You could stab me 18 times.

I'm fat. I don't give a fuck. But I don't believe they just sit there. That's why I think those tapes. Bro, we haven't. You know what? I'm not a conspiracy theorist. We never saw Obama bin Laden. We don't know he did anything.

We don't know nothing. We know they show us films. We know they show us films. Look at this fucking flight. Went down. Nobody said nothing. Now we realized the Russians shot it down. Really?

Of course. You're saying nothing. That flight that was missing all summer. That was the Russians who shot that down. Oh, shit. Well, did you see that? another one of their plans went down, Malaysian Airlines? Yeah, that's the kiss of death.

Russia's all that, just shooting them at will. It's like a fucking TV game for them. What's that? These white kids, they buy those games. They sit there. Grand The daughter? Yeah, Grant, look at me. I'm stealing a car. Russia said, fuck it.

Let's just shoot down a bunch of Malaysians. What they got? 2,000 them left? How many people are left them Malaysia? Go look at their population. What are they got? Ten fucking Malaysians? I'll give you a dollar.

Tell me the last time you met a fucking Malaysian. A dollar, I'll give you. When was the last time? Every time you met a fucking Malaysian. I really don't know. Every time they leave, the Russians shoot them. They're planning to leave at 10. Get the fucking machine ready.

29 million. And I don't know not one fucking Malaysians. And they keep getting the fucking planes. I don't know one Malaysian. I don't know one fucking Malaysian. I was trying to think of it, but then I figured I was Polynesian from like the Chinese food restaurants. But that's it. Polynesian is completely different.

They're an island. I know. I figured that out. How many people are in Polynesia? I don't know. Let's find out. Are you Googling this? Yes.

Wow. We don't fuck around. I know, this is impressive. He gets right to it. He really does. We don't fuck around. I'm sorry, you know, these Malaysian people. I don't know these people.

I don't know them either. I don't know these people. Two million for Polynesia. Oh, that went down. That dropped a lot. There used to be a Polynesian restaurant and I was brought up to Mikeai. Delicious.

Spare ribs. That's what my friend used to call the bartender, he let him get a little karate chop for five bucks. For five bucks, for five bucks, Roger Hollow, the Irishman. He would be talking to him mid-conversation, the bartender will walk home and he go, Charlie, the guy with Ben Doe and he go, ha!

Give him a to one, here you go. God go away. They talk to you a little bit more. The pollination was named Charlie? The guy's name was Charlie. Nice. And after Chan's dragging in, he was a Chinese-Chinese guy, and his name was Harry.

They always have Harry. They were trying to whitewash him. They always whitewash. They always have Harry, Jackie. I don't eat their food. You eat Chinese food? None of it. The entire organization.

No sushi? Nothing. I don't trust them. Dog, I love China. I don't know. Maybe it's Australia. Yeah, I'm going to be real thin. And I'm going to lose a lot of weight.

What do you don't eat in Australia? Can you room meat? I don't know. Don't they have good Chinese food in Philly? I don't know. I wouldn't go there. You don't eat Chinese food? Since when don't you eat Chinese food?

Since I'm born since I'm born. Why is this? I don't know. I don't eat that shit. So your whole family will eat Chinese food? Some of them do. But we don't, it's not like a thing. We never had a thing.

like Chinese night. What a shame. We're Irish. We like bland food, you know? You would break Steve Simone's heart right now? Yeah, I know I love that bit with the thing. But he grew up in the suburbs. They know where to go.

I mean, we have Chinatown in Philly in the Center City. I went there before. I didn't eat nothing. You eat the spare ribs and nothing? What was the last time you ate pork fry rice? Never. I don't eat rice. At all.

Steam rice. No. Since when? Since I'm never. My brother, Billy, told me that the rice were maggots. What about Mexican rice? He said they turned into that in your stomach. Nope, never had it.

Oh, my goodness. I never even had a, well, I used to eat hot dogs until we were like, me, Billy and Bobby, my brothers were fighting over. There was two. And then we, you know, flipped for it. And me and Bobby won, and Billy didn't. And Billy's like a terrorist. So he watched me boil these things.

And I was, I don't know, eight, nine. And I was boiling it. My mom was sleeping because she had 10 kids and she was raising us by herself. So she was out like a fucking lie. And we were just up. It was like three in the morning. I was making them. And as I was about to eat it, Billy, my brother Billy was like, be careful.

You don't bite a vein. And I was like, what? He goes, you know, that's like a cow's dick. And I was like, are you kidding? And that was it. Me and Bobby threw up and he ate both of our hot dogs. And I never had one. since that day.

You're retarded. You know what? You really are retarded. If I knew this, I wouldn't have you on the podcast. No, I'm really fucking retarded. So what do you eat? I eat plain, very plain chicken. Yes. Okay.

I eat meat, yeah, like a burger, cheeseburger. Take good care of you. So you don't need to eat rice. Rice is like a really empty calorie. It's not about, I eat pasta, tons of pasta. It's not about because I like sweets. Like I rode my bike to Santa Monica to get a pumpkin, pie donut at Dunkin' Donuts. I don't fuck around. You know what I mean? I'll do that.

I also ate an entire ice cream cake the other night. I have problems. What kind of ice cream cake? Carvel. Don't fuck around now. Come on. I bought one for Mercy's birthday. We all fucking divide. I made mercy. You know, look, it was this big. I ate the whole thing. It's tiny. He might have kicked you out if you said something other than Carvel. No, no, because Basker's wrong and ain't bad. Okay. I don't like the Basker. My, Bac's wife had that for her mom's party. And Max, they both just had birthday. birthdays and it was that preline. They put nuts.

You start fucking around. Carvel cake is to die for it from Rouse. Right here in Sherman Oaks. All of them got them. Yeah, but you can get the little one. A little one. A little tiny one. I think we still have half.

No, because it wouldn't have gone. That was so fucking good on her birthday. We tore that shit up. Carvel, I grew up on that. Did Mercy get any of it? Huh? Did Mercy get Elis if you guys? No, it's a mercy birthday.

It was a firm birthday. When's her birthday? January 8th. Oh, okay. Elvis. So we made it last, yeah, Elvis. Just like Ranazizi's son. Yeah, so we made it last year.

We said it for her birthday. And what they're going to do on a birthday party? She had the track. In the middle of the track. You can have a party. Really? Yeah. So get a Carvel cake, get some pastrami,

get some fucking Cuban food, some pork, some black beans and rice and throw down. I'll eat the cake. Yeah. It's going to be during the week. Her birthday is like on a Thursday or something. I'm at the Melrose Improv. at Saturday night, so we haven't decided for a two-year birthday.

I don't know where to fucking throw the party yet. That's great. Two-year, huh? You don't think that. I don't know. Lauren has, you remember Lauren Pelt, my best friend? She has two kids. She'll be three?

Huh? No, no, no. She left because she got pregnant, and they have two kids now, and her son is named Jedi. And people make fun of her. But I love it. I think it's cool. Jedi Xavier Fishman.

So cute. And it's like Star Trek Wars. Which one is it? Who's Jedi? Star Wars. Thank you. He's a Star Wars Jew. Where is she working at?

No more. She helps with her husband. He's a producer. He puts TV shows on the internet. And he has a huge company and has a ton of shows and stuff that he does work with LeBron James. They have a bunch of shows that were not. nominated for Webleys.

Like, that's the web episode thing. Yeah, yeah. So Danny has a huge company, and Lauren helps with him, but for the most part, she's got two kids, you know. She's got under one and a two and a half year old. How fucking ages, dog. Yeah.

What's up, Lee? Look at the shape. I was thinking you were going to have mercy go out, go beat up, Jedi, Xavier. Why? Maybe. He got a lifesaver. He hates that name. I can just tell. Tell me the truth. Do you hate it or you like it?

What the name, Jedi? I don't give a fuck. Don't listen to that. Jedi, Xavier. Danger. Fisher's his middle name. Danger's his middle name. Let's have a play date then. Let's make them fight each other. Fuck it. Come on. He's a big kid. Plus it's Peltz's kid. She don't get offended. I don't want my daughter in that world yet. She's still, I was thinking about tonight, I was looking at her drawing, you know. And I think about my mom. My mom was a great mom. a lot of avenues. But one thing my mom took from me was that innocence from like seven to ten. Like I wasn't that innocent anymore.

Like I was already doing fucked up shit. Sure. That kid, that age didn't do. And she didn't give a fuck. And that's why I don't giggle. I'm not a giggling type of guy. I don't react to that shit. You know, they just, and I don't want to take that for mercy.

All that fighting and all that. That's bullshit. Yeah, but it was a different time, I think. It was a different time. Because I have a nephew that just turned 14, and my mother says 14, there's no way that kid's 14. You know, I mean, we just grew up in a different time. Now you can do that, keep their innocence. You can coddle them a little more.

I mean, they're kind of pussies now, but, you know, they're still. Not that you want to calm them. But you don't want them to save that. Yeah. I lost that at seven or eight. Easily. Not that, not that was a light, I lost my life's virginity. Not my sexual virginity.

I lost my life virginity. at a younger race. Usually people lose that 15, 16. Yeah. Their life rigidity. Where they see a little bit more than the rest of the kids. I lost an 8.

At 8, I really had shit in my head that I shouldn't have. I was smoking at 9. Yeah, it's just... Full-blown smoking. We just were. We were robbing out of the supermarket. We would have competitions

who could steal the most. I mean, like, we were, like, retarded. Now, where's your dad? Your dad and mom went together? How old were you? Eight or nine. was like right in between. Yes.

He only moved like five blocks away. He was right there. He just didn't really give shit. Hey, yeah, all right. Are you guys tight with me? Yeah, we are. We are tight. Like I make fun of them a lot, but I did have to work for him every day from fourth grade

all the way to 12th grade in the typewriter store because my mom had to go get a real job because typewriters weren't paying the bills. And he wasn't paying child support. And there was 10 kids. So the older half just started working after school. and then we were like, oh, what do we do? You know, so we got in trouble a lot. But then he would make us come to the typewriter store,

and we would, like, have to sweep up or answer the phone and things like that. Like, we had jobs. We had jobs to do. Not chores, jobs. You grew up middle class. Lower, middle class. I would go even lower. And that's like a class that's been taken out of this country.

Pretty much, yeah. I don't know. We would be poverty-stricken now, I guess. It's amazing. much things have changed how hard it is for a family of four. Yeah. Two children and a parent and a wife, how hard it is. Can't go to the Laker games. Dodger games

are out of your future. Unless you get beat up. I never did that. And people are like, how come you don't go to games? Because we can afford that. And my mom worked for the Phillies and the Eagles. That was her second job. How did Christmas even work with 10 kids? It was insane. I don't know how she did it. I really, really don't.

I like, because she would make it like it was the best. People would come to our house. and be like, this is the best, everything, and we didn't really have much. Sometimes she would buy ship from a fire sale, but we would turn it into, because we were a little creative, like, you know, change it up a little bit, and then, wow, this is the best game ever. And she was like, I didn't even think it worked like that, which it probably didn't, but that's what we did. So we would just, like, turn things around. We had the best time.

All my brothers and, my older brothers and sisters are so creative. It's a sin. Like, they love to make costumes and shit like that. Like my sister Karen makes amazing costumes and she designs all of the costumes for my nieces because she's a dancer. And so she makes all her costumes and always has. Like her whole life.

She's amazing with that. And then they would win every Halloween costume. They would go up Center City or go up South Street and win like $5,000, $10,000 on all these prizes because they were good like that. They just turned it into something. It's really amazing when you grow up not having a lot of things. Yeah.

You figure out how to make something out of nothing. Out of nothing, and you figure out. And I was very fortunate growing up. My mom always had money until my mom died. And then I was thrown to the avenue where you grew up. I got to see it. I got to see three kids in the house and how they acted. What I thought was life, what I thought it was just three kids liking each other.

Yeah, I know. Why do you have my fucking socks on? I didn't know that what you're fucking sight, you know. Yeah, yeah. When you're pulling a knife out of one brother's hand so he don't stick it in the other brother's eye, it's a fucking problem. But that's what we did. That's a, you make yourself crazy like that. It's really amazing that you, when you talk to this people, you could tell who grew up wanting and who grew up, you know, looking down.

Like, you know, you could tell in a way, like, when I talk about a rough childhood, I'm not talking about you getting fucked in this. the ass by the pre. I'm talking about a rough child is when you come home at 5 and there's nobody home because they're both working. Yeah. That's a rough childhood. Everybody's working. Make your own fucking sandwich until 7 and fend for yourself until 7. And we love it as kids

but think about it. We all rather come home and have your mom waiting for you with an apron on with cookies. Can you imagine? And my mom would have loved that. Yeah, my mom would have loved that. Your mom didn't work. For a little bit but then for most of my childhood, no. And then when you got home at 3, she was there.

Yeah, my dad worked nights, so he was there a lot, too. Oh, wow. Was he with cookies, ready to rub your feet? My mom was. My dad worked downstairs, but... Really? I don't... I almost don't want to even bring it up, but we're talking about kids.

What do you think about, like, that Adrian Peterson shit? I don't fucking know. Well, like, I mean, honestly, if you're hitting... We got our asses kids. Dude, my father hit us... I don't get it. I don't understand. With belts, buckles, I mean, shit.

cars my dad would hit my dad was fucking marine he was crazy like this is hilarious we just didn't have the capability of an iPhone to rat them out and say hey this fucker's hitting me you can't do that that's what they did the kid ratted them out other than a couple spankings i was very lucky i never really got much of it my mom used to hit us what a wooden spoon remember that so what you're telling me is in the face of sight you cannot hate your child if you lay a hand on your child the cops are going to come yes if you grab your child and go you cannot fucking stick your your fork. You cannot stick your fucking fork in the electrical outlet.

You'll go to jail if she presses charges on it. I guess. These little shifts. It sounded weird. Like the way I heard it described in the news was like the law is, it's basically like based on what the community thinks. So there's no like set law. Like you can't do the stick, but you can do the bell to just the hands.

It's like based on whatever that jury thinks is over the line. I do think he took it a little too far. I mean, the thing is it's like when you're getting hit, and I believe my dad took too far, but we weren't going to say anything. He's a big fucking guy. He's got a lot of weapons. We didn't say anything. But there was times where, like, my brother Jimmy couldn't go in to Christmas dinner at my aunt's

house because my dad beat him up so bad. And he was, you know, I mean, literally like he was a street fighter. So, you know, it's, I don't agree with what the man did. No. But I'm saying, you know, I think it's just everybody does it. I just don't know that everybody. gets caught if he wasn't a political figure would anybody even care or know about it no it happens all the time it sucks the wife the ray rice thing i was talking to my mom about that and i was like what did you

think you know do you see the video and she's like you know she go i go she hit him like 30 times not that i agree that he should hit her back but still she did hit him a lot and my dad taught me never hit anybody unless you expect to get hit back no matter who or what it is if it's a dog if it's a man if it's a whatever, you're going to get hit back. So I was like, all right, I believe what my dad said. I was talking to my mom. And she told me that a long time ago, she was pregnant with one of the older brothers and sisters. And she got mad at him and she was hitting him. And I go, you hit him? My dad's a big guy. And I go, you hit him? What did he do? She goes, he didn't do anything. He was seething. She goes, he literally was foaming at the mouth. And he was like, if you hit me one more

time I'm going to hit you and she goes go ahead I dare you and I go damn you got ball this guy's crazy like he joined the Marines so he can kill people and not have to go to jail for it like he's a little off you know what I mean and she's like pushing his buttons I thought it was great that's what women do exactly but I said I almost

called my dad and say hey man thanks for not hitting her back shit well you you know I want to stab Terry every other fucking day too you know fuck but that's what the love is no but she might as well hit me when she don't turn the light off you might as well fucking hit me when I told you 10 times turn that fucking light off in the hallway I can't watch TV when you got on you know

I might as well you fucking hit me how many times got to you and fucking light on what are we fucking 10 here it's amazing how many times you got to say what do you think it is because it's funny because that's like a simple thing and then I have friends that fight over a car seat being moved up and back.

Oh, no. Sometimes you... So it's like, do women just not retain it? Or do they just not think about it? Because it's always the girl who doesn't do the thing. I don't know what the fuck's on her mind. I don't fucking... A kid?

I don't ask it. She's chasing a baby around. Before the fucking baby. Oh, okay. I ask her. Sorry, Terry. I tried to help me out. If you fucking take shit out, turn the fucking light off in the faculty.

We need Terry to call in and talk about her Saturday's the light on. How many fucking nights I come home. the balcony light is on it. I turn the bathroom to pee and the lights on the back and I'm like, people can't fucking sleep. She forgets. She forgets. That's the funny.

I don't like repeat. I grew up in a house that they tell you one fucking time. I grew up in a society where people tell you one time, leave a minute if I don't park there. That's it. And that's it. You don't park that. There's not why.

Why not? It's a free country. All right. Then park there. And the next time you park there, your car's on fire. Yeah. Well, I didn't mean to. I told you.

Not to park. there. Yep. Who the fuck are you to question anything? Just park next to it. Park around the corner. I don't give a fuck where you park. We just told you don't fucking park that. Don't worry about who or why. It's a free country. There's no free. There's no fucking free. Not in this neighborhood. Yeah, this fucking neighborhood. We're free. I ain't no fucking same. My brother Jimmy's wife, she leaves all the house lights on. I don't know why. Like she'll go in every room and it's just a little row home. You know, it's not a big elaborate, but it's every. And he goes, hey, Madison Avenue.

Yeah. What the fuck? Fuck I like that. Shut the fucking lights up. My wife would tell you a story at the park for 10 minutes and not look at Mercy. Mercy's over there running. She's telling you, so Jen, Terry, I don't get 10 fucks about Jen. That's what I give a fuck about. Look at that right there.

Don't take your fucking eyes off her, all right? And she'll look at me like I'm crazy. Don't take your fucking eyes off her. No story that you have to tell me is as interesting as that little thing running over there. And if you do want to tell me a story, tell me the story. Just look that way. Right. Look that way.

fucking story you want 20 times. I don't give a fuck. I'll listen and I'll jump up and down. But look that way. Don't look at me. Take it. And every time she'll tell me your story and I go, Terry, look that way. It's fucking drives me crazy. You've got to watch these kids. Dogs come out of nowhere.

You know, I'm all fucking school, man. Dogs come out of nowhere. That's funny. You say that's exactly how I feel. I'm terrified of that. I'm petrified for her because it fucked my world up for five or six years when I started getting bit by dogs. You create the fear and then you're scared of animals.

Yeah, yeah. And if I wasn't intelligent enough to overcome it on my own when I was like seven, it would have followed me until I was like 30 because you're not, you have this fear of a certain fucking thing. So I put it together when I was like eight or nine that the more I tightened up around them, they were going to bite me.

When I loosen up, they won't bite me. So do you know how hard it is at a young age to have fear but to keep it cool? Most people can't. You can't do it until you're 16, 17. But I had to put it together. None of them's going to keep getting fucking big.

You know what I'm saying? Keep your eyes on the fucking kid, Terry. Don't look at me. I don't give a fuck about Tennessee or who's playing the guitar for Led Zeppelin. Ain't no do with me, though. It really don't. Look straight to fuck ahead. Don't take your eyes off the fucking kid.

She's in my prayers. She's in my fucking prayers. I don't care about Tennessee. Yeah, they tell you all these shit. Is that where she's from? No. Yeah. They want to tell you like all these rules.

I don't give her for, listen. Come here. Let me tell you, so I told you 10 years ago, I'm going to tell you again, I don't give a fuck. If my weed ain't on fire and my sneakers are fine, I don't give a fuck. My sneakers are fun. I can't wait to you can have conversation with Mercy, like at like three or four women and like you can actually go back and forth. Can't wait. That's going to be an Emmy Award winning show.

Please, that's my girl. That's my little Irish woman. I'm trying to raise it to be a killer. May my boyfriend fight over saying sneakers. What's his boyfriend show? How many months you've been with? A little over a year. Really?

Look at Illinois. Uncle Ronnie. But he, we fight over because he says, tennis shoes? Snickers. Snakers. Snakers. He grew up in Atwater.

He's a hood rat. Poor thing. By the way, that retard, you broke his heart. He's never been the same. Which one? Brick out. Oh, my God. Ash, man, I didn't break his heart.

That fucking kid on Twitter. He broke his own heart. That fucking Momo on Twitter. He talks so much shit, man. What is you? I had to ban him, or whatever it's called. Block. Or you blocked him on Facebook?

Yeah, because he was writing nasty shit about kids. Hey, man, you can write whatever the fuck you want about dice or wheels. Say it to their face. Let them fucking fight you. They're old enough. But don't talk about the kids, man. Their kids didn't do shit to you. They're not responsible for whatever fight you had with him 20 fucking years ago.

I think about three weeks ago I decided that there's mental health issue there. No, he's fucking crazy. The Twitter guy? This kid, yeah, he was a friend of mine. And he was funny. He was here. He was here a month ago. I know, I was out.

I was in La Jolla. Thank God. He was here. Yeah, because I would have beat him up. He was looking for a spot that they were going to, they didn't give him a spot. His name was on the wall. And I'm like, you see that, you said that earlier. Just because you got past, you got to stay relevant, man.

You can't just get past and think it's over. You made it. No, you got to work hard, man. You can't just tag out and go for six years and, you know. come back after eight years I'm going to be nice but I'll skip a lot but I'm saying like come back and just think oh every but the sea should park

because you were funny eight years ago on stage no fuck that I didn't know who they were he said he even told me himself because he didn't call me because he knew I would say why are you here because I would never you know it's a constant

I love him I love that kid but it's a constant if you have a cigarette it's a lighter if you have a rolling paper Do you have a light of the road? You have a toothbrush? No, no.

If you pick him up, if you pick him up, you're stuck with him because the house he was supposed to stay at when you get there at two in the morning, they're not going to be there. Yeah, nobody's home. Now you're stuck with him, and it's a whole weekend, and you really want to go with somebody to eat? Well, oh, I lost my wine on the plane. Now you give him cigarettes, money, it's non-stop.

And he would call me and say, Tommy, just offered me the weekend in the Loy, and I tell him, there's no reason for you to come out of here. plane tickets's 800 you're getting five yeah you got three kids you can't lose 800 because you want to come in here and relive the fucking glory days he's in new york yeah and he's in new york he's in such a bad spot then you're in a witness relocation man he's where i used to try to talk to him i tried he got cuckoo for cocoa pups and i said fuck this man no and now he's not working how do you not work when you have three children i see him on twitter he was working at the furniture store that's done

And then he got fired from the bar, the comedy place. He was too funny for everybody. Yeah, he was so too funny. Usually when you're too funny, they ask you to leave. So, no, it's a fucking work in progress. You know, we've been through a lot, you know, whether I'm on Rogan's podcast or somebody's here, we always talk about the store. I'm sure you people at home sit there and go, what the fuck?

What are they talking about? It's our training ground, guys. Yeah. It's our gym. It's our connection to one another, whether it's myself and Dice and Joe and wheels and wheels with his goate. Takes him an hour to cut that thing. Cut the goate.

Put selfies in the cellars are too much. I lost 48.8 pounds. Look out for me. He really did lose like 150 pounds. But I don't need the selfies. I told him. I said, I'm going to unfollow you. One more selfie and I'm unfollow me.

Flexing his arms. You can see his tricep. Nobody needs to see that fucking abuse. Leah, how are you feeling? How's it going, Lane? You ain't high enough, though. We got to eat this Cheebo. Yeah, your eyes are still open.

Let's kill this motherfucking Cheebo. you leave. It's Monday Cocksucker. Get it together here. We got Bray this weekend. How are you going to act? Yeah. How are you going to act on Bray all weekend? People wait for you. Do you do stand-up? No. I got your hotel room for Friday night. Wow.

You know what I'm saying? You're in Bray of the weekend. It's over. And there's edibles, companies are coming down. We've got stockings and cape for you. See? Look at you. This is over. You got a cape for me. I'll come down. A cape. I'm going to fucking around with you. What I tell you today in the text message. When I text

She's going down heavy. That's it. No more games, no more half pieces, a cheap boat shoes. We're going for whole pieces of Wednesday night. It's all over. You got to get into a reefish shape. Do you live walking distance?

No, well, kind of, but I'll try. This is Lees Sallat. This is the man. He don't give a fuck. It's too hot to be walking. I don't know. Who's going to walk? I agree.

It's hot. I don't have air conditioning either. You don't have air conditioning. I don't like air conditioning. I don't like air conditioning. What? And I don't have air conditioning in my apartment. It was one of the big selling points.

for me. How do you live? No selling points, no rice, no ice cream. What are you doing? Ice cream's in. Ice cream's good. Any candy cake, ice cream, sweets, all that shit. What's the deal with fucking air conditioning? What do that's the day that can this never do to you? It gets, it gets, look, I'm freezing. People think I passed away. It's freezing. It's in my bones. I ain't got no iron in my blood. It's 100 degrees outside. It's all right. 10 p.m. How do you sleep at night? No, I don't sweat. I glisten. You glistened

You have a fan? Yeah, I have a couple fans. I let them go hot there. Why don't you? You still have a? Christopher. He moved back to Massachusetts. So you still live in the same place?

No, I moved. I'm like by the Beverly Sound. How long did you live there for at that place? Oh my God. Me and Chris lived together for like 12 years. And they raised their rent now. Oh, yeah. Remember that place?

You lived there too. No, no. Your friend. That's right. Keith lived there. Remember that pool? Oh, God. That pool was the best off top.

That pool was nice. Me and Freddie, we would go up there. Corrie. some crazy girl from the Holtsman's building I forgot her name The black girl with the Hiv She had like pretty blue eyes

Long brown hair That was that black girl I took home one night She had open wounds She was blowing everybody That black girl with the frack She was like a light skin sister Or the other one This wasn't a black girl

This was I think her name was Psalm or something I forget This was a black girl that one night Asked me to give her a ride To her boyfriend house and when I put the lives. She had open wounds. She had open wounds everywhere. Oh, no. The fucking Hiv was

coming out of her fucking, the Hiv was coming, leaking out of her fucking mosquito bites and shit. She had open wounds on her arms. That's a sin. It wasn't fucking good guys. It was leaking, like when they're leaking. Uh-uh. Uh-uh. And she was looking for blow and her toenails weren't done. Nope. No. You know when your toenails got the fucking, like somebody, like

somebody scratch it like a ticket. Oh, that's gross. You get a lottery ticket, you get a scratch on a lottery ticket, and then when you scratch on the prize but you leave the sticker around it, that's what her toenails look like. Like somebody had scratched the middle of it, but I left the fucking artificial color around the toes. And I'll tell you what, I love women. But once your toenail polish is fucked up, that's where it ends with Uncle Joe.

It's like the opposite of the Cat Williams Jones. I'm not a foot. I don't want you jerking me off of your feet. I don't want to suck your feet. I just want your feet to be fucking done. I don't want you to touch me and it's like your toe has a corn on it that could go through a fucking wall

I don't need that in my life I want you if you don't have that let me know beforehand and I'll throw you the yard stick go get your toes fucking buffed down go get that hoof I have long toes so I saw that fucking one

you got like a three inch fucking toe her name's Robina you just she drives and shit yeah she's fucking big she's amazing some women I just had to talk my acupuncturists into it

Dr. Hamer. Into what? You don't paint your tongue else because I never did it. I got to start. I paint them at me. You got to paint those fucking things. Long ones.

No, people don't care if that long. Especially guys, they see themselves sucking it. My boyfriend laughs out of it. Because he sucked. No, he said that thing's giving me the finger. It's so long. Oh, my goodness. What do you think, Lysayat?

What's going on with you, baby? What's on your gentleman? I'm doing good. Everything all right. Where are we going to eat tonight? You're going to ha-ha with me? Sure. Let's go get fucked up tonight.

I'm already fucked up tonight. Well, let's get some. Let's get someone at Michael Jackson Oxygen. What do you get? Do you eat at the ha-ha? They have food, right? No, no, no, no. Right next door there was like a good place.

They had like pizza and salads and something. Is it gone? That was a while ago. It was good. Really? Up the block. Up the block? It's like at the corner.

In a strip mall. Maybe. I heard that pizza is not bad. Yeah, it was good. It was like good. It was like a kind of healthy-ish. But I, I got it with like the feta and the spinach and all that shit.

Feta? I like the feta sometimes. On pizza? Yeah, it was like a specialty. Like you get it. There ain't no fucking specialty. No one of those people smell like armpit. Because they're using feta cheese and shit.

That makes your armpit stink. You can ask for it with or without. No, not in my neighbor. I know a fucking neighbor. No, no. Only in L.A. I learned of this feta spinach. Feta on pizza and the fucking shit. No, that's ruined in our country.

It's supposed to be a regut. Sometimes you can get both in Vegas, it's killer. Vegas got good pizza. Joe's pizza right across from the Hard Rock. Vegas's shit right there. But even Sparrows. I've got a fucking piece of sparrows in Vegas. I don't give a fuck.

It's all the same shit. I got to walk around and go to Joe's pizza and take a cap. Two pieces of fucking buildings. It's so good that one. It's a place of Vegas. It's open until 4 in the morning. You're right? What would you eat till that if you had your choice?

God's a second. I don't know. How many points you have left? Not many. 300 calories. That's a slice. Yeah, but I don't... Two cheese slices.

Two cheese slices? No, that's one. Look, a cheese slice is 150. No, it's not. A cheese slice is like two to 300. No, it's none. A cheese slice like this big is 150? Cheese slice like that, it's 150.

That is incorrect. Really? Just cheese, yeah. It's only six points of weight watches. I don't know. I never kept calories. So it's 60 calories per point. So that's 240 fucking points in a slice.

But I went on, I had pizza yesterday, and I went on that fucking my fitness, and I put two slices of pizza. I came back with 300 calories. Per? I don't know. Per? But it fucks. It fucks you when you eat late, so I'm trying not to eat.

Pass like. What is it fucking? That's no proof of that. It is true. There's no proof of that. If you eat a salad and an apple at night, you're going to shit out a tremendous piece of shit. If you eat a pepperoni fucking sandwich. Yeah.

Carvel cake. You can shit out a lot. Trust me. You eat a Carvel cake. You're going to gain 10 fucking pounds. You'll be fun. What fucking fun? If you eat a Carvel cake.

What are you going to eat for? Nothing. I don't. Don't eat the Carvel cake. What about a turkey sandwich? I don't have turkey sandwich. I don't have turkey sandwich. But go to Santa Monica for Dunkin' Donuts, pumpkin pie donut.

Is it good? I haven't been. The pumpkin pie donut is unbelievable. Let me ask you this. What are you going to eat when you get home? I'll eat that kind of the rice cakes. I'm going to go to bed for. What I want?

What are going to go to bed for? There ain't nothing going on in bed. How do you know? He's got some Mexican mariachi man. She's in the house. She's in the house down there. She's by himself. What are you going to do with your house by yourself?

Where does that eat? I don't know. I got some fried shrimp that are not bad. Like what? I found some fried shrimp that are not bad. Calorie-wise, so I got those. I want to try those. Fried shrimp.

What did? Do you put them in the oven? Yeah, but fry is bad, right? Well, it's like breaded. I don't think it's like breaded and bake it because I don't have a, I don't have a friar in my house. So how many calories? It's like 240 for like 14 pieces of shrimp. I might come home with you anything.

I bought cocktail sauce. That's only 100 calories for like a quarter of a cup. You don't need that much cocktail sauce. Look at you. Wow, you got it all figured out. I've been trying to fucking calories. Look at you, you little red socks. Well, because I didn't go to the gym for two weeks,

so I really didn't want a game, but go back the other way. It's hard out here. You're a bad motherfucker Lisa, and I'm proud of you know. What's hard out here? There's nothing to eat out here. No, no, no. Not food-wise, but being a baseball fan. Because if you buy the package, like, I bought the football package.

That's only a couple games a week. Like, the first time I moved out here, I did the basketball package. You have to watch a game every night. I bought the sports package, and they don't show anything. Well, no, there's a sports package, but there's, like, MLB, so you can see every game. And they have 160 games. I can't imagine watching 160 games. So I watched when they're on ESPN or something.

I did it for hockey. Hockey was killer this year. You guys like hockey? I don't watch her every day. Every day. What the fuck out of him? I love hockey. I don't want shit no more.

I didn't even watch football yesterday. Colts were on tonight, right against football. Eagles won. And last night, who was the Sunday night game? Chicago won. Chicago came back. 49ers? 49ers ain't that tough anymore, huh?

No, they were killed. They were beating them. They were beating the shit out of them. Well, a bunch of the younger quarterbacks aren't doing that great. Like RJ3 got just got hurt again. Broke his ankle. I think, for sure. That's amazing.

I don't know anything about sports. How fucking sad is that? I thought you did, no? If there are any years, it was my life. I don't have fucking time to sit there anymore. How can you fucking watch a game when you have to write a joke? You write a joke during the game. I feel so bad about doing anything.

I feel so bad about doing anything. You know, like when you watch TV like that, you're like, there's something I could be doing, you know? Yeah. I only watch like ESPN. I like to watch those HBO. shows. I watch Boardwalk. But if I, I don't, might not make it every week. So, like,

sometimes it gets backed up and I'll see it, like, I'm a little bit behind. Oh, yeah, I watch all that. I love that. Also, the news one, Jonathan, what's his name? John Oliver? Oh, I fucking love it. I haven't seen it yet because I don't. He gets mad at me because I have HBO.

What's wrong with you? It's expensive. No, shit. I don't have health insurance. I have HBO. There's a guy that went and bought six shrimp for 200 calories. Yeah, there he is. I don't want to get HBO. Get HBO because. What are you going to do?

How are you going to do? You're going to fucking live. You live with a Mexican chick. She wants to watch HBO. Yes. They have HBO Latina. Come on now. Get it together.

And what are you please? What are you saving? 20 bucks? Not even. $15. $15. $2 fucking bucks. It's $15.99.

Yeah, but it adds up. Who gets a fuck? So there's a, so there's ass fucking barnacles. What is as barnacles? So does cocktail sauce? The shit that gets glooped upside your asshole. Because even though you clean it, it goes into your pores. Yeah.

So after a while, the shit that gets into your pores. Start sticking to the other thing. You create ass particles. You don't see it until you get steamed clean or some chick with cat tongue licks your asshole or something like that. And you don't like your asshole being licked, huh? No. Very strange. Have you ever had your asshole licked?

Not even close. You watch it? No. Let me explain some to you. If you get your asshole licked, you'll be a different fucking man. If I wasn't in a relationship. Oh, I would never let anybody do that. Oh, my goodness.

An Irish girl, they know how to lick your ass up. They open that motherfucker up and tongue that. Oh, no. And then they squeeze your balls like one of those bicycle horns. It's a fucking party. A bicycle. I'm telling you, they squeeze that motherfucker and they suck that asshole. And you hear that in your assholes tremendously.

And your dick's getting hard. You don't know what to do. You don't have an anxiety attack. You know what your asshole smells? Like, you let someone look that? If I washed it directly. There's no right way to wash it. Yes, there is.

You pick Irish spring and you shove it up your ass and you twist it around like that. Like a fucking thing, you pull that motherfucker out, you take that hot water thing, you put it in your asshole. Yeah. It's a cold. Couling cleanse. And you'll hear it going, like your finger in like something. Yeah. That's a ghetto colon cleanse.

That's kind of amazing. Mama knows that she's got to stick that tongue in your fucking muffler. You wouldn't know what to do, Lee. No, I would not. You would have a nervous breakdown. If a chick was sucking your pipe, went down, picked up your nuts at, tickled them a little bit, sucked them.

And then just look at them. Look at him how he giggles. I was thinking. And then just thought a machine-gunned your asshole with her tongue like it. Oh, no. You wouldn't know what the fuck to do you. That sounds terrible.

No, it's not terrible. Now it didn't freak you out the first time it happened? Fuck, no. Oh, yes, it did. Why would it freak them out? A cold tongue? I think I'm 50 years old. There's no such thing as a cold tongue.

I mean, when she ate ice cream first? No, no. I had a friend who was a faggot, and he said his faggot friend had a cold thud. That their mouths are cold when they suck your dick. This is what he told me. But I'm 51 years old, only two girls are tongue in my asshole. I don't like it either, Lee. But when it happens, you know what's happening.

It's something I go out looking for it. What does that mean? When it happens, you know what's happening. When somebody's got that tongue up your ass, you know what's happening. And you're looking at it. up at the ceiling and then making that noise like they got their tongue up your ass because when somebody has their tongue up your

ass they make a certain sniff noise like they're choking but not really you know what do you do when they're going for a kiss lid or the other you kiss them you lick your own asshole who gives a fuck you're all going to wash your face the same way yeah what the fuck this is what your problems is you're too uptight

if you don't start taking this girl to the hoop she's gonna leave you for a fucking attorney in two years that pulls her hair and calls her a dirty animal and shit like that, you know what I'm saying? You're over there being nice to her. You should have taken out to a dirty hotel and tied her up and left of that. And gone to the comedy show, then came back and whipped her and called her a dirty Mexican and kicked her in the side.

I like this. And then fucked her like Zapata. Like how was Viva Zapata fuck a Mexican chick? They're Mexican chick. They want to run before they get fucked. What was the last time you chased this chick? This is true. Do you have a leash? She's Mexican. You don't chase her at all? And tell her immigration, you don't chase her and shit like that and punch her and flash your badge?

What the fuck is wrong with you? You're over there. How do you like it tonight? Let me put a car. No, you've got to fucking turn her around and lick her asshole. And once she sees the stars, then she'll repay the favor. Once she's laying there and Spanish music is playing in the head, then she'll say, fuck it, I'm going to lick these asshole back. But you're over there making love to her with flowers and rubbing her down.

Like a half a fact. You can't do that. Who said to anything about that? You got to pull her hair and say, listen, you little fucking. brown thing. It's all over for you today. How fucking you, Jewish style.

Then Connor, mom doesn't speak English. Who gets a fuck? And you go and show you a mama dick. What was the last time you did it? Just take out that little Jew rat. And show it to mom. Mother-in-law. Do you speak Spanish?

No. They talk shit about you all there, don't they? This fucking guy was thinking of taking a class. What do you think of I take a class on Monday night? I said, just watch Telemundo. You're not taking no fucking class. Yeah, watch Telemundo. You got to take that?

You got to grab her next week by the throat. Put her against the wall. What you're taking a class? Get a rosetta stone, stupid. Yeah, get a rosetta stone. That's killer. Wait, take her by the throat? Take her by the throat.

Pin her against the wall. Oh, my goodness. Tell her this week, we ain't making fucking creeps. It's you dick all weekend long. That's it. What's for dinner? Jew dick. What's for breakfast?

Jew dick. What's for lunch? Jew dick. Jew dick is the only thing on the fucking menu this weekend. This show got home and she'll tell them about it. I don't know what kind of. into him. Yeah.

His Jew dick is everywhere. He's a different man. He's crazy. He's not the same. I might leave him. He's shooting Jew sperm all over. Believe and Lee. I like it, Lee.

You're right? The next time she comes up, go, look at my foot. When she comes to just kick her in the fucking stomach with it. I was she. Oh, my God. This is she you got to do if you're talking about it. Look at Eleanor. You think if you're a nice to Allemore, she's going to stay.

You got to abuse her. Ain't no fucking way. Abuse it called an Irish mallet and shit like that. That's what makes us stay. You don't want to stay because you're giving flowers. What do you want to stay because you're a fucking savage league? I like animals. So you eat her pussy but you don't, you're not curious about what goes on their asshole?

Do you sniff it? Do you ever put some nose to that motherfucker? No, I don't. I'm not scared of it, but not only. You got to sniff. No, I don't know. Next week, that's your homework assignment. When you eat up pussy, you're going to go to demon, report back to us on Monday night.

Oh, no. What her ass smells like, tell us. That's never going to happen. Why? Why? Why? Probably. I want you to smell it.

Karneshara. Yeah. No, no, no. No, no. I haven't gone in. I'm just saying I'm probably smelt it. Did you smell it just a little bit? No.

No. Oh, my God. I didn't. I didn't do that. That's your homework assignment this week. Oh, no. Next Sunday you got to see. You're 26 years old.

You got to smell somebody's ass. You're 26? I love you to death. I love you to death. If you're with my son, I'd be giving you the same advice. Because your life's going to change once you stick your tongue up a woman's ass, once your tongue goes an inch up there and you see how they squirmed for their life, they start stuttering and shit.

Tell them, I don't know. I'm excited about this. I'm just thinking about the son who's being told that and start dating your daughter. I don't know. The first time you got a tongue up your ass. Did it change you? Did you even know? It did change me.

I never understood it. And I turned into a different, I turned into a woman. There's what I'm telling you. You know, there's no such. thing is puberty. This fucking weekend. Changes your life. You're going to put him on her stomach and he'll put it up her pussy from behind. And on the way as you're pulling up,

you're just going to lick that motherfucker fucking ass like that and make that noise. That's your homework aside. Yeah, you've got to get all the way in there. You got to feel the spokes. You got to feel in there. You got to feel one of those fucking lumps. Something in there. You know what I'm saying? They always got a lump in their ass. It's tremendous. I love it.

That's so gross. I'm definitely not telling my mom about this. I don't get this. I don't get this no more. You know, I love your people at home. It's Monday night. What do you want to talk about? Fucking the government. Who goes a fuck? Nothing we can do about it. It is what it is. Lisa. Yeah, it's here. Eleanor is here.

What the fuck house you want? It's Monday fucking night. September 15th. Have you thought about that? Have you thought that half the fucking month's over and you're sitting there fucking around? Have you gone to get your Christmas club yet? Oh, boy. Have you signed up at Christmas club yet? Because Christmas is around the fucking

quarter. That's the most important thing. All right? How high are you? I'm fucking high, but I'm aggravated. We've got to end this off with a fucking bang. Let me get a little reading for our sponsors here. Let's start the night off with Honet. I love these motherfuckers. Why?

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J-O-E-Y. Get $7.99 a month for original programming. You can watch it on your time. You can binge watch shows. They've got a ton of shows. mistress, the Mindy Project, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, seven-tenden, ugly fucking Betty, all those shows for $799 a month,

but I'm giving you two weeks for free. Go to Huluplus.com and press in. Joey. In the box and get what league? Two weeks for free. All right, and $7.99 a month. And also to one of the Betty Sigs out there in the market, and I try them all.

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What the fuck you want to talk about? Are you ready for his chiba chew league? Chiba chew. How about you? Get some chiba chich. No. Somebody asked me if I eat ranch or hummus. No.

I don't eat any of that shit. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. Your father, church or what's happened? We don't eat church and hummus. Only this fucking Benedict Donald over here. This matzo crissah?

I like hummus. I don't like ranch. You don't eat ranch. So many people eat ranch, they put ranch on pizza. No, no, no. She's Mexican. She's not allowed to do.

She doesn't. She doesn't dip with the wings. But does she dip. She doesn't. She just has the hot sauce. She's Mexican. They don't put ranch on pizza? Oh, no, that's terrible.

Who does that? A lot of people do that. Disgusting. They got no respect at their house. Their parents never told, don't do that. I'll smack you. I'll cut your head off. That's insane.

You put fucking ratch on a pizza, you fucking maggots. Don't ever do that around me, you dirty motherfuckers. You put red-push pepper or garlic powder or black pepper. Oregano or Parmesan cheese. Very nice. That's it. Red pepper cheese and oregano. That's fucking strong, you know what I'm saying?

Elmore. Carrigan, thank you very much for coming. Where are you at these next few weeks? We're in Vegas. We go to Vegas Thursday through Sunday at the Hard Rock Hotel. No, just this week. And then back here, do a couple gigs around town, and then off to Australia.

And you have your website. They can go see you. I'm getting my website done right now. Thank God. You've been doing the same website for three fucking years. No, I just started it. Because I don't know anything about computer. I grew up in a typewriter store.

Your hands are fucking cold. Hey, the fucking air conditioner's on here. Excuse me. hand job it's all over the shot it's ISIS oh my God it's ISIS that's fucking ISIS hand job yeah so yeah there

the thing will be up soon the kids working on it right now how long have you been doing comedy by itself without wagressing or anything without a day job four years I'm very proud of you it was scary at first oh you have no fucking idea and you have to take a chance and dig deep and believe

all of yourself don't you yeah because I was like back pay on rent shit like that like he would let me skip like that god willing i'm just going to be thankful yeah because he's a good guy this place i live now it's not like a corporate ship it's like an individual owner and so he was cool as shit he's like take your time when you get caught up hey man people don't work with you like that that was hard so we've talked about the struggle of being a comic at first and just telling yourself one day i'm not going to do this job no more yeah well i got fired so

they find you from the story No, no, no, not the comedy store. I left the comedy store to marry Dice. You married Dice? I was engaged to Dice. Okay. And then I left the store, and we got engaged, and then Freddie passed away. And then that just fucked me up.

2005, that's your life. And then that just, that ruined me big time. And then my grandma passed away, like, 20 days later. And then, like, for a whole year, I felt like I was just out of touch, like, everything. And then I left Andrew. We broke up and we stayed friends, obviously. And then I started working on the one-woman show because Freddie used to say to me, you should be doing stand-up. You guys went to acting class together. Act to everything. Yeah. But he was always saying you should be doing stand-up. You're funny. You should be doing stand-up. I'm like, no, I'm not a stand-up.

Dom Ehrer is a stand-up. Bill Burr is a stand-up. I'm a jackass. You know what I mean? Like, that's crazy talk. But now, I'm not. Now it's like I get on the same stage with these people. I've gone up before and after Bill Burr and been a mess. Because he's like one of my favorites. So it's, and Dom, I've never had to follow you yet. It's really amazing. He did this.

You got sick and tired of watching, you know what I mean? He said one day. So for your people at home, dog, it starts, your life takes you on weird fucking avenues sometimes. And even though it's late, it doesn't matter. It's never late. Look at this fucking guy over here. Look at this fucking kosher fucking biscuit. This little pink chick Jew.

I love what I do without this motherfucker. Look, I'm stone to the gills. You really are. I'm just really proud of you. You know, you live your life hearing how rough this is, how tough, and how you do it. And then I just see you make the transition and it just lets me know that there's still savages left in the world. What's so funny is that for you was Freddie, you know, and I was friends with Freddie. But for me, it was Maryland.

Yeah. time I go to the store, I think about them. Me too. For two or three minutes, and they're probably looking down there. And the other day I said something that... This is my computer at home. This is my computer at home. Right here.

This is four inches. Right here in the cubby hole. I have glasses there because that's what cute people do. Okay. They have glasses that they change every Monday for the spirits. Oh, oh, I do what you mean. Yeah, yeah. Glasses there.

I only have two. And I have pictures of Dominic Specialia. a kid who died sophomore year. I have a picture of Anthony Balzano, a kid who died in the eighth grade. I got a picture of Darren Rego who died in 1999. It was probably, you know, 30-something. I have a picture my mom.

And I have a picture of my friend's kid that died. She graduated high school on a Friday. She died on Saturday. I went to a party in the car. And I have all their pictures. And the first thing I look at always. At some part of the morning on the computer, I always look over there.

and I do the day for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was selling Lydia, and I wasn't busting with these balls. If you go to any of those five people I mentioned and wake them up out of their casket and say, well, you ever watch ESPN again? They'll go, never again. I'm going to live my life.

Yeah. I got a second chance, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I always think about them. I look at them and I go, if they had a chance to come back, would they sit at a desk all day on a fucking computer? Fuck no.

No, they wouldn't. So we have one thing, like my thing, And then even for Marilyn is to hold her dream up in a way. Yeah. To do what she couldn't do today. You know, maybe it was to write a joke. God, she was funny. But Marilyn, it wasn't as much funny as, you know, I think God puts people in your lives.

Marilyn was there, the first that I did in LA, and she stayed my friend. Yeah. She always gave me a little advice. And if I tell you something that today all the advice she gave me came true. She was the one that told me, she had the cancer. I went to her house on a Sunday and she became really religious once the cancer hit her. She was

always very religious. Yeah, because that was our connection. We used to give certain things up for Lent. That was our favorite thing. Yeah, all the time. It was really hard for us. You know, she used to talk about Heidi Griffin, doesn't like crucifixes. Yeah. That he's the devil and all this shit. And one day when she was about that, a lot of people

know this, not people don't know this. Right before she was going to die, I went to a house one Sunday, Montoya was there filming her to make a special about her dying. or something. And she was talking about that when she goes back to the comedy store she's not going to curse. Because every word that comes out of your mouth, you have to be

responsible. You have to be responsible. You go to God later on. And then that same thing, something distract her. And she looked the other way. And then she goes, oh, and by the way, you got to stop doing cocaine. And she looked at me in a way that was fucking crazy.

Like, it was just like, wow. Okay. And maybe it took me maybe six weeks. after that to quit to room below. But the way she said it to me, she was giving me a message from somebody. Yeah. Like somebody told her, oh, you have to tell him. Yeah, and look, it all turned out.

I'm here with you. I'm not dead. I got a beautiful two-year-old daughter at the house. My wife is happy. I'm responsible for this. The mens are mort over here. Who I love. Mezafenoke. He's a mesophonoke.

But it's amazing that that advice, usually when people tell you to get off cocaine, you just look at them and go go fuck yourself. That was the first time I looked at it and I said, done. It was the way she said, yeah. And for you was Freddie, you know, you and Freddie were tight, you know, the baby. He's in my pocket. I never perform without him.

He's always in my pocket. How fucking crazy is that? Always keep Freddy in my pocket. So for me, the comedy store was also about that. Once I went off on Jeff that day and I walked outside and Dice and Johnny Sancher looking at me weird, like, this motherfucker is really crazy. I was like, I'd give that. And it was Marilyn laughing the whole way.

Oh, yeah. And that's what the county store has always been to me. It's always been like I got this crazy bond. The end of I was pulling away and I was stuck there to make the left down that street to make the right, to make the other left to get back on Laurel Canyon. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. And I was looking at that building. I can't imagine that street without that building.

And they're taking House of Blues down so we get our view back. I don't know what they're going to put there instead. They're going to put an office building. Probably. It's just amazing you never forgot. Freddie and I never forgot, Malna Martinez. So there you have it. That's why Latinos.

Special to many of people. I love you guys. Eleanor, thank you very much for coming out of home. Thank you guys. Follow Eleanor on Twitter. What's your handle? E.J. Kerrigan. E.J. M.J. Motherfucking Carrigan. E.J. And follow on Facebook.

Eleanor Kerrigan. And follow Lee Syatt on Twitter. What is it? The Flying Jew? No, just Lee Syatt. And I love you guys. Don't forget this weekend. I'm at the Bray Improv. Thursday, the 8. Friday and 19th and Saturday, 2 shows Friday and Saturday. But next weekend, we're taking it back to where the devil got fucked in the ass and fucking pepper sprayed, New York City. Yeah.

To Gotham Comedy Club 1145, both Friday and Saturday nights. Tickets are still on sale, shut the window. We're going to you stream Lee into the fucking green room and televise them there. But I love you guys. Thank you for watching the Monday night, late night podcast, and for you people, Tuesday. morning. Have a fucking great day when you're listening to this. Stay black and stay beautiful. Stay proud.

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