The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #213 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT..... It's Monday, November 14th… This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH This episode is also brought to you by Better Help & Onnit… BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media: https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world And don't forget..... The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON: https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #Onnit The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media: https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video..... https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

This podcast is brought to you by Onit. Go to Onit.com and look at the great selection of supplements. If you find something you like, pressing code Joey and get 10% off delivered right to your house. What's happened, you fucking savages, it's Monday the 14th of November. The joint is brought to you by, my favorite. I'm letting you know about this because they're going to have a tremendous Black Friday sale over at Onet. I want you to start getting ready. 2023 will be a way better year

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and get 10% off your first offer it on it your first order it on it all right let's get this party started it's Monday we got shit to talk about cock lickers what's happened you bad motherfuckers it's Monday the 14th of October of November we're fucking halfway there we got six weeks left in 22 it was a great weekend

great week last week. We're looking forward to another fucking great week. Just a great weekend for me. I went to the movies and I got to tell you something. About three months ago we had a talk on the joint about fucking movies, you know, and what they meant to me as a child and how much I enjoyed cinema. I got to tell you, I've gone to the movies.

I think that they have taken the fucking excitement away from people doing anything. That's what's happened. I've noticed this and they take away little things at a time Like guys we all grew up We had this fucking shit chat About the movies and how much we love The movies and it's great

You would go to the movies on a Saturday And stay for two movies And you thought like you were getting over and shit But remember all that shit You go into the movie theaters And staying and catching an extra movie Guess what motherfuckers now They're getting us back

For all the fucking times We sat there on a fucking Saturday and watch two movies that we weren't supposed to watch. Let me tell you something, man. In my eyes, for me, I've been to movie theaters from fucking Toronto all the way to Miami to California. I think it's over.

It's fucking over. Because, you know, the other day, I'm trying to be a nice guy. I mean, they had a Wakanda, Black Panther double feature on Thursday. And I was like, six hours in the fucking movie theater. bit severe for me and my daughter and my wife.

I go, let's just catch Friday. Let's catch Friday early. We'll go to Red Robin. We'll get the fucking endless steak fries. You kill two birds of one fucking stone. I always got a plan when it comes to the movie theater. A couple edibles, boom. Okay, so you get to the fucking movie theater.

It's great. You know, it's all new modern. You scan your phone. My wife is part of the AMC Club, whatever. They give extended benefits. And you get a discount on Popper. And whatever. Okay.

You walk up again, guys, ask any of my friends. And I hate, I'm not fucking cheap. I'm not cheap at all. But I'll tell you what, when I'm standing to the side, and I hear my wife and my daughter get a popcorn, and I get a small popcorn, and she gets two drinks, no meat. There was no hot dogs. There was no nachos.

I wouldn't eat any of that shit. The fucking churros, I'm not touching any of that shit. It's bad enough. I got to eat that fucking. processed popcorn with that fucking COVID butter and that fuck because that butter ain't really butter. You can't listen. You ever eat,

you ever get a piece of butter you wash your hands, you're good. That movie butter, you fucking, it's like having yeast infection juice on your fingers. You could watch it 20 fucking times and that little slime will still be in between your fingers and shit. I just got rid of the butter slime at the movie theater. But no jokes aside. I'm just hanging there.

And also when I hear the lady say $66 fucking dollars. We got three coax and three fucking popcorns, and I can't, or water. I'm exaggerating. It was $60. $60 and like $66. I didn't say a fucking word. But on the walk to the movie theater, I'm like, $60 for three. I looked at my popcorn because I never even look.

See me to tell me in today's world, a regular fucking popcorn is $9.000. $9 fucking for a regular popcorn How does the family A fucking even afford that No wonder they sneak their fucking own food in I would sneak it in too if I know it was 927 For a little bag

Now listen I don't need no more than that But the next size over was like fucking $16 And they have like a special for it Like get a huge tub of fucking processed fucking popcorn and get a large fucking drink for like $24 or something like that. I'm like, okay, it's money, it's not even real, who gives a fuck, let's go enjoy the movie, okay?

Theater 7, I go in. Guys, there was a half hour of fucking trailers. Not 15 minutes. Remember in the old days, like they gave you one trailer after the other, one trailer after the other, this, the theater would go dark. Then they would start another trailer after like three minutes. Then the theater would go dark. Then they start another trailer.

Every five, it was fucking absurd. And every trailer, you could live without watching any of those fucking movies. From Avatar, listen, who gives a fuck what's coming on April, 20, 23? Let's focus on the next Christmas movies. How many of you got? You got none. Wakanda was the last fucking movie. You put together a couple stupid movies together,

but you're not going to fucking make up the year. year in the movie theater. Unless we go to box office. That's who you take the fucking $60 for popcorn from. That's not enough. Half hour. I can see my, she's a fucking kid. I can see her feet going.

Dad, what the fuck is going on in here? I can see me being an asshole. But a fucking child is like, what the fuck? And then, after it's all said and done, after the be quiets and don't text and fucking, they hit you with a fucking. Nicole Kidman video of her walking into the movie theater, ordering a drink to show you how easy it is.

Like, there's never, there's never no lines when Nicole Kidman goes to the fucking theater. She just walked through, sat down, you know, she's looking at the screen. That's another five fucking minutes. And then she goes, enjoy the show. Really? How can I enjoy it when I just sat here for a fucking half hour, just staring into fucking the oblivion? Now the movie starts. And listen, there was a good show.

movie photo was. My daughter thinks the first one is better than the second one and I agree. It's just entertainment whatever the fuck. But I sat there and I didn't complain I didn't make a Yelp review I don't do any of that shit okay? I'm sitting there going

how is the theater business whatever you want to call it, the movie business how if I was in trouble with my business I try to have a meeting with the stockholders and go, how can we make the experience better for these fucking people?

Well, for starters, let's cut the trailers down to fucking nine minutes. Nine minutes. That's all you. That's like five movies, a minute and a half a piece. Give me your message. You're fucking shut up and don't answer text

and turn off your phone. And let's get the movie started. You have great chairs that the movie theaters are comfortable. They're clean. I'm with you. But that is the most hard. horrible fucking experience of all time. My neighbor flew to Florida last weekend.

I saw him at the fucking gym. We were chit-chat and he goes, Joey, I'm 60-something years old. I've been flying all my life. We have a home in Nebraska, you know, because they went to college in Nebraska or whatever. He goes, we just bought a home there because, you know, we go back to watch the games and shit,

my daughter. He goes, I got to tell you, I'm buying an RV. I'm not flying. ever again. And he told me about his experience to Florida out of Newark Airport, the lines, the waiting. He goes, listen, if you don't have TSA, whatever, or clear, you don't make your planes

out of fucking Newark. You just don't make them. It's, they have taken, like guys, flying used to be so much fucking fun. Flying used to be, like, you couldn't wait to get on a fucking plane. because you knew it was going to be a fucking party. Who wasn't going to be drinking in the back?

Who wasn't going to be getting his dicks up? Who's not sneaking a fucking cigarette? You know, who's in the aisles drinking? I go over. Mike, don't I know you from Philly? Yeah, what's up, man? Give him a fucking drink. Flying has become, like, fucking from being at the airport

to getting on the plane to sitting to fucking deba boarding to the fucking lady with. the dog, the guy with the big feet, you know, that takes his feet out, it has become a fucking, no matter what you pay for it. Like, you can pay for a first class ticket and you're still going to have a fucking hard, you know, when I pay for a first class ticket, well, you're still going to be late because the whole plane is fucking delayed. What are you going to do?

They're going to give you a parachute. They're going to give you a special fucking treatment. You know, and that's what I say to people, listen, I understand you want to go on vacations and people want to do things. But I don't want to get treated badly. Not when I got to work from my money. Not when I got to do shit. And I got to tweet and do a thousand things.

Do I want to get treated? Why would I want to go to the airport? To get a runaround. And then to be told my flight is canceled. Then when they do have a flight, you fucking lose my luggage. The experience is horrific. And I'm not trying to be negative. I'm just speaking about a fact that affects a bunch of people.

That people are starting to go, you wait. Guys, if you're thinking of traveling this holiday, listen, guys, unless it's a fucking hour flight or something like that, you're going to get bombarded. The money that they're going to charge you and the cancellations and all this shit they're going to have this year. And COVID's going to come back, you know, at least in December for two weeks,

and it's not going to be anything. It's just going to be a fucking head cold. By now, it's like a little tear comes out of your fucking eyes. But they're going to make the deal out of it, put the mask back. on, you know, and it's like they've taken away the, I went to Yankee Stadium this year. Don't, that's the pride of fucking New York. Pride of fucking New York Yankee Stadium.

I'll tell you what, I'll be honest with you. I can't go back again. That was a fucking, it was, you know, a mediocre experience. I went to Philly and my experience was great. I'm going to try City Field next year. You know, I hope they say the experience is great. but all like our little experiences in life that we used to fucking enjoy they beat the fuck out of you

they beat the fucking the fuck out of you somebody told me they went to eat the the other day and the bill came and they almost get them pants you know there's a family of fucking three working and they're like what the fuck is going on with prices guys it's it's unbarrowed out there it really fucking is but you got to live i mean you just can't stay in your house and eat tv fucking dennis that's not going to work either it. But it's crazy how every time you want to find, you know, yesterday, Jim Florentine's

nephew kept calling me, like, for the UFC thing, and he kept saying, Joey, can you get tickets? Can you find tickets? Tickets were like 350 on Friday, and they went up to like 470 on game day, and they were like nosebleeds. And he's like, I really want to go, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, you know, you're just going to have to watch it on a fucking ball. Everybody else. 470 a ticket. You've taken it. Now, on top of that, I've got to go to the city, walk around.

You're already risking getting fucking hitting the head with a stick going into the city. So I'm paying for it. Yeah. You know, listen, I considered going. Joe called. Theo was gone. My other buddy was going with him. The guy from Connecticut that hangs out with Joe.

And the problem with me was I had a softball tournament on Sunday morning at 8 o'clock in the morning. with my family. So I know I couldn't get home at fucking two in the morning and get up at six. I just said, fuck it. I watched the fight at home for a couple of fights. I didn't even know that fucking the guy won at the end. I went to sleep last night. I'm an old man.

I couldn't take it no more. I'm like, I'm good. I just wanted to see Dustin Porre against Michael Chandler anyway. The Chewing fight was kind of fucking boring. And I watched the first fight of Alex Perea. Even though I did take Alex Perea for a fucking knockout. 25 bucks paid 105 so when I woke up this morning

I saw I got lucky last night I was like damn I should have stayed up but that's what happens it was a weird week in comedy last week Cassie Dang died and we did the podcast Wednesday last week and I was like man Cassie Dang died I thought I was seeing shit

on the computer you know sometimes I don't look at it and then somebody asked me did you hear Cassie Dang that for you people who don't know, Cassie Dang was an extraordinary young woman. I met her at the comedy store. Always, she wasn't a regular at the store, but she didn't have to be.

Oh, I don't know if she was. I shouldn't say that. Very funny girl. She was a doctor in real life. A fucking doctor. And got bit by the comedy bug. And I still remember the night that I slipped and tore my hamstring. and he lead him in a bunch of the girls were very helpful

but cassie was fantastic you know she was she came right over she goes I don't have a pain pill for you but let me rub your thigh a little bit and you know she was very fucking sweet and I don't know what happened um you know I haven't inquired I'm gonna call red band today and find out what happened to Cassie because he knows more from that thing but she was a great lady and then a guy died last week or he died yesterday

yesterday or Saturday. I've just been seeing the things, and I called one of my friends who would know and he didn't pick up, but Bud Friedman died. For you motherfuckers who don't know where Bud Friedman is, he's the left hand to Mitchie Shaw.

Mitchie Shore did a lot of great things for stand-up comedy, but Bud Friedman did a lot of fucking great things for stand-up comedy in his own little way. You know, the improvs were all buds, Levy Lives, was an offspring of the improv clubs. You know, I don't talk much about the improps

Because I'm a comedy store guy But I gotta tell you something My bread and butter for all those years Were the improv The comedy store is where I learned To become a fucking assassin The improv Was on Melrose

They have a lot of improvs If you watch this podcast They probably have an improv in your fucking town Anywhere across the United States West Palm, Miami, Doral You know Tampa fucking, they got them everywhere.

West Nyack, shit, what else? L.A., Ontario, Brea Improv, fucking Oxnard Improv. It goes on and on. Tempey Improv, Houston Improv, Dallas Improv, Green Bay Improv, Milwaukee Improv. They're all over the place. And, you know, but anyway, Bud Friedman was,

I still remember being a kid and watching evening at the improv, not being a kid, being a young man and watching him the empty improv and he would always come out at the end with his little fucking barnacle and stuff and talk to the comics and talk to the audience and when I got to L.A.

He was one of those surreal people. You know, when you get to L.A., you're like, people tell you, yeah, Bud goes down there once in a while or Mitzie goes down once in a while. But I remember being at the improv the first time I was there, Bud Freeman was there,

and I got hidden into the fucking improv through Latino night. Sometimes when you get to a club guys, talking to comics here, when you get to a club, you got to figure out a way to get in there. And they'll say, well, you know,

we'll put you on a list, we'll look at your tape. But every once in a while they'll do a specialty show, Arab night, Latin night, Puerto Rican night, Afro night, whatever the fuck it is.

And sometimes, It's better, you know, it's not the way you wanted to get in, but it's the way you get in. I was at the improv doing a span of a Latin night one night. The fucking guy made me put a suit on and shit, and I fucking hated it. It was like my first week in L.A., and they made me put a fucking suit on. Like the first, the second night, it was every Sunday. And like the second night, the second Sunday I was there, because I became a regular at the store. a month, not even a month after I got to L.A., but I had spots at the improv.

If I got to L.A. on a Tuesday, I had a spot that Sunday at the improv. It was fucking surreal. But the second Saturday, Sunday I was there when I was on stage. I had never noticed it, but I looked to my left and I saw a little window. Just a little window on the wall. I'm like, what the fuck is that window? I go, maybe the sound guy sits up there, whatever. I saw the sound guy in the bottom with the earphones.

I wonder what the fuck that is. And while I was up on stage, I also noticed that like it opened and it closed. Like somebody was actually up there watching. Yo, it's Monday, and I'm here with better help. If Life came with a user manual, things would be easy for everybody, but it doesn't. So when it's not working for you,

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com slash Diaz. Better help. If you're feeling stuck, the holidays are coming, they can help. Betterhelp.com slash Diaz. And now back to the joint. So I fucking get off the stage. I go to the front bar. I get my little water of my car.

Coke and an old guy comes up to me. His name was Richard Cooper. I'll never forget this guy. And he came over and he goes, hey, man, I watched your set. I really enjoyed it. How long have you been doing comedy? And I go, I don't know. Fucking seven, eight years.

He goes, all right, you know, do your paperwork and call in for spots. I was like, what? And he goes, do your paperwork and call in for spots starting tomorrow. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? He's like, I made you a regular. And I go, not for nothing, Mr. Cooper. I don't even know who you are. And he goes, I'm the talent coordinator.

And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, he shook my hand. I stayed there and all. He goes, you're going to start getting paid now. $15 a set or whatever. And he goes, have you met Bud? And I go, but who? And he goes, Bud Friedman.

I go, what? No, I've never met Bud Friedman. He goes, come on. Let's say hello. Congratulations you for becoming like a regular. And I was like, what? And he took me in the back and there's Bud Friedman's in with the barnacle

and hi, how are you? You know, and I'm like, I'm like, guys, I'm shit in my pants. I can't lie to you. But he asked me, where are you from? Are you Italian? I go, no, I'm Cuban. Oh, I went to Cuba once

and he started talking to me, blah, blah. He goes, yeah, you'll be a great addition to the family right after I left. He forgot my name was. As a matter of fact, I saw him a year later in Miami. I'll never forget to some at the improv in Miami and Coconut Grove and Bud Friedman is there

with the owner of the Miami Impra and he looks up and he sees him and he goes hey look who it is and you motherfuckers

know I can read lips I saw him say the bud to the owner of Miami he goes what's this guy's name again I'm and you know I'm not going to yell at the guy

or whatever but at least he spoke to me and he goes I see you're doing sets you're down here blah blah blah but Friedman was a sweetheart of a guy

I had like 20 other fucking conversations with Bud never as hmm never as deep as with Mitzy but we had a nice relationship I'm very proud I wasn't one of his favorites you know like I didn't know him that well

but when I'd see Bud he didn't he talked to me you know his wife he'd say hello asked me what I was going through what was going on in my career not that he gave a fuck but at least he spoke to you you know and uh

Guys, he did great. He did great for the world to comedy. He brought it to a fucking forefront, you know. Those were the pioneers, and you got to give them their fucking props. If I don't talk about the improv as much as because during a week, I was more of a comedy store guy, not because it was a bad club. I had great fucking relationship to Tameau's improv, and they took great fucking care of me.

I did every year, they had me there for the college football thing. Every year when the Weber plays in Pasadena for the Rose Bowl. they have one night for the one team and one for the other team every fucking year they called me and put an envelope in my pocket I don't know how many, you know, so if I don't talk about the improv, it's because, and another grateful thing the improv did for me, the improv, listen, the comedy store gave me the fundamentals. You know, when you go to jihitsu class,

I go to Hollis, but there was a girl that was going there, and she told me one time that she went to another school, and I go, why do you do that? She goes, because I want to get the perspective of two or three different teachers. And I didn't really understand that because I go, you got Hollis, and then you got, like, for the daytime guys, you got fucking my man but auto. And for the nighttime guys, you got Ray and Lucas and Hollis. That's four fucking different teachers, and that's four different flavors.

So that's how I felt about it. But she goes, no, I like going out of here. So I'll go there twice a week and I'll come here twice a week. whatever works for you, but I don't give enough thanks to the improv. I was always involved with the improvs and let me tell you a fucking great story about the improv and I still talk to this guy.

I don't know. It had to be maybe 2008. I was pretty down in the dumps. I was finding my way. You know, I had just quit doing drugs, cocaine, and I was really finding my way is a comic and out of nowhere I out of nowhere one night

I got a call from a guy named Dan I used to call him Dan Brad fucking great guy great guy another good thing about the improv is I could thank so many of their like general managers Kelly fucking the chicken

Melrose I can't draw a blank now she's I mean I've been friends with her for 20 years Aaron Bon Tempo I've been friends with for 20 years just they have really great people that really did care about comedy and it blew up into a corporation guy so things get lost in translation but there was a guy dan and uh dan ran the bray improv for years danny was there i had some history at the bray improv you know i got fired one there for doing a weekend

with pablo they thought we were doing drugs i wasn't doing drugs in fact my wife was at me in fact years later they called me and apologized because they said, sorry, you weren't partying with those guys. But we had a great time at the Braille improv one night. Some fucking early on, some girl came out and took a top off

at the Bray Improv and we got in trouble. Doesn't fuck either. So I had like a rocky relationship. Oxnard was way out, not Oxnard. Yeah, Oxnard was way out there. Ontario was way out there. Ontario had a fucked up situation when I went to do Ontario when I was

Coked up. They gave me a great opportunity Improves. They go, listen, I'm going to start headlining you. I'm like, okay, and they go, your first job is Ontario. You're going to headline a Wednesday and Thursday. You got to do radio on Wednesday morning and Thursday morning. I said, fine. This is my deep, deep, deep, junky days. Ontario's about an hour 10, an hour 15

from where I was living in Hollywood. And I drive all the way down Ontario fighting the urge to do coke. Like, I'm not doing coke tonight. I'm not doing coke tonight. I'm not doing coke tonight. I'm going to do these two shows. It's my first opportunity to headline the improvs.

They're going to give me a ton of work after this. The guy likes me. He thinks that there's something to work with from the longest yard. I get to Ontario about 10 o'clock at night. I wrote my number. I take a walk around the neighborhood. You know, typical shit. And I, uh, 7.30.

12 o'clock. Be honest with you guys, I can't do it. I can't get this monkey off my back. So I called the Coke dealer in Hollywood. And I drove all the way to Hollywood an hour of 15 and all way back. I didn't start snorting coke until 2.30 in the morning. And I bought like an 8 ball. When that phone rang at 7 in the morning for me to do radio,

I just picked it up and kept hanging it up. I never showed for radio. I showed up that night and there was maybe like 12 people. They were fucking pissed. Thursday, I had like fucking 18 people. I got the radio Thursday, but the damage was done already. I got the call when they paid me. I'm like, listen, you fucked up.

And that's it. You're done with the improvise for a while. Go away and come back when you're ready. When you're ready to be a fucking comic. This had a beat like 2007. Yeah, early 2007. About 2009, I'm off the Coke. I thought I was done with the improms.

Yeah, I was getting some spots at Melrose, but they were not happy with me. And one day, Dan called me from the fucking Bray Improv out of the blue, like the week after fucking New Year's. And he's like, hey, man, I'm thinking of adding some fucking shows, and I want you to do Joey Dears and friends R-rated show once a fucking month. We're going to start you. with $400 a week on a show for a budget.

So that means you got to pay three other guys and yourself out of $400 bucks. So it's $100 a fucking show. They're going to do that for 90 days until you get going. And then after 90 days, you're going to go door deals. So if you sell 10 tickets, you're going to get $10. You know, it was rough, guys. they go do you want to do it I was so fucking

just like I was getting a second chance so I said abs of fucking looting and Dan and I worked this together as a team you know he was like I'm going to help you I'm going to give you the mailing list

I'm going to blast them the first three four months for you it's got like 40,000 names you know you should get first week I don't know I probably got 18 people the first time I did it the second month we got like 25 the third month i probably got 30 and then the fourth month

the month that were on a door deal i started all over again like from eight once he took the mailing list away so it really taught me how to like i did not like social media before that at all when dane cook was being a star i was like good for dane good luck to him if you think i'm gonna leave the comedy store well at that time i was in the store i go if you're you're You think I'm going to go home after a comedy show and fucking tweet and Facebook people and MySpace? That's not going to fucking happen.

But now that I had this job in Brea, I had to learn how to fucking Facebook and tweet quickly. And I asked Dan, I go, I don't know how to get people in. He goes, well, you have to have funny comment. He goes, you can have Jesus here. But if you don't program it the right way, if you don't market it the right way, then I'm never going to come.

This is how you figure this out. Take your humps and your lumps now. And guys, I think a year later, we were selling out. Selling out, 400 seats once a fucking month. We were like the number three show that Brea had. We weren't from having nobody. I would fucking put on the stuff like, you know, it's Tuesday night.

Lindsay Lohan will be here tonight with a bag of blow. I would just run rampant on fucking Facebook and Twitter. somebody's going to be down here sucking dick nobody ever asked about Lindsay Lawant like people come and get to like I would take a fucking edible cake and put it in the back table these things became wild

they were fucking known people were having a great time I ended up taping my first CD there without even knowing two comics canceled and I remember telling Lee I don't know what I'm going to do and he's like well let's tape it and that was fucking it's either you or the pre-D Unbelievable story, you know.

A packed fucking house. We would have edibles down there and weed and fucking 20 people would come down to hang out. It was a great experience, but my point was, I'll never forget being at the Melrose Improv and Bud Friedman was there and he was like, hey man, can I talk to you for a second? I'm like, yeah, what's up?

He's like, congratulations. And I felt so fucking good. I go, congratulations for what? for a movie he goes no for what you've done down in brayer you built it up from scratch I still remember fucking I learned a valuable lesson that week down there

there were these people that always came to the show but I gave him free tickets and one night out of the kindness of his heart Rogan called me I would never call Joe or ask him to do the room he called me and he's like I gotta shoot something down there do you mind if I stop by

I go do you mind if I put your name down he goes nah just put my name down and I'll never forget that those people called and said hey man we need free tickets and I can't give them to you because they're a rogan show and they paid anyway and that's when I learned that people

will pay the $15 for a fucking ticket you don't have to give them free tickets constantly they should pay you built the value that's when I learned the value a fucking stand-up and I remember seeing them that night and I go you got tickets and they're like, yeah, but we didn't really want to pay. Well, it's Joe Rogan.

You got to fucking pay. I'm doing it. And this goes back 2009, 2009, 2000 fucking 10, you know. So when Bud said that to me at the Melrose Improft, that's probably the last time I saw Bud. I might have seen Bud one time after that. I think I saw Bud at a, I think at Maryland's, I don't know, I don't know. But I saw Bud because Marilyn's Wake would have been three years. I saw Bud and he congratulated me and it was just a great fucking feeling.

So, yeah, I learned comedy from the store, the basics, but I learned how to sell a ticket from Dan at that Bray improv. So I'm really grateful and I'm really sorry I don't tell a lot of these improv stories. You know, the hot commodity for me was the comedy store, so I didn't want people to sound like, you know, the improv was my second home. The Laugh Factory started giving me spots after the podcast. Before the podcast, I didn't belong there. But after the podcast and people started selling tickets,

then they started giving me, and that's a great club too. I never had nothing against Jamie and anything like that. Anyway, I want to wrap it up with this real quick. I want to talk to you guys about some guys I got locked up. If you guys think that when I got out of prison, Listen, before I went to prison, I didn't think I could do anything in my life. And when I got out of prison, I definitely didn't think I could do anything in my life. But I, you know, you can't be a fucking bum.

You can't collect disability. You got to do something. You got to earn your keep. You got to justify your existence. So somewhere along the line, I came up with the idea of trying stand-up comedy and becoming stand-up comic. It worked for my lifestyle. I was a fucking, uh, um, I was a renegade.

I had no... I had a little bit of discipline, but really no discipline, but I was a renegade. I was living. I had no family, no wife. You know, I had a kid that, at this point, whatever.

But that's the way I ran my life. I was always a renegade. It felt comedy fit my needs at the time. I liked my days. I didn't want to work nights. And somewhere along the line, I got the fucking balls after a year to go up.

They're on stage. Now, when I got on that stage, when I got off that stage, yes, I saw a little, I saw a little hope in my life. But I didn't see a hope by telling you people that as soon as I got on stage, I went home and I was like, I'm going to be a fucking TV star. I'm going to be a movie star. It wasn't that type of hope. I saw hope for me to stop living the life I was living to maybe get a little bit more control, pay some bills, get an apartment, sometimes.

in your life, I wasn't going to get remarried, I wasn't going to do any of this shit, I was going to live like Charles Bronson. The last thing on my fucking mind during those days, from year one to year five of comedy to year 10 of comedy, I did not see any hope for success. Honestly, I mean, I could be honest. What do you mean by that, Joey? I didn't see any, any hope. glimmer of hope for me to ever make it as a stand-up comic. I was very insecure about who I was. I was very insecure about the lifestyle. I had lived as a young man. I was a criminal. I got locked up. I'm a junkie. And now I want to give my fucking, I want to give comedy a try. What makes you think you could make it in the comedy game? And that's exactly how I thought. I thought I could just

get on triple runs for the rest of my life. There was no movie career. There was no commercial career. I just knew that I had a career as a road comic. That's it. There was not going to be an HBO special. There was not going to be a letterman appearance. None of that shit was going to be possible in my life.

And yeah, I was a little negative, but I was just trying to be honest with myself. As honest as I could fucking be. I'm a piece of shit. I come from nothing. I come from Northburg, New Jersey, named the last fucking comedian, a Hollywood star musician to come out of North Bergen. Yeah.

What were my fucking chances? So, but somehow I started, I ended up in L.A. and I ended up at the comedy store. And still, there was no hope of me being Dave Chappelle or Kevin Hart and doing movies with the rock. I just wanted to be a funny fucking stand-up comic and earn my steak at the table. Earned my steak at the table. That's all I want. Well, things happen.

and we ended up here. If you guys, if you motherfuckers think that for one minute I thought I was going to do anything good with comedy, believe that. But

if you motherfuckers think that I thought I would ever, ever, ever get off drugs, that was never going to happen. I made a conscious decision in maybe 95 that I'm not going to go back and forth with this.

This is the way to lose your fucking mind. I'm going to get clean after this. I'm never going to snort Coke. I'm never going to drink again. Listen, just telling yourself that lie back and forth, that's enough to drive you fucking crazy. And I was okay with it. I said, you know what?

Listen, what's all this bullshit? What's all this beating myself up? I'm not going to go to a fucking meeting. I'm not going to get clean. it's not going to happen. I'm not going to put this restriction on myself to say to myself, okay, I'm not going to do coke this week on the road. By night 6, you're disappointed.

You meet a blonde. You know, she wants to do coke. There you are. I mean, come on. Come on. It was not going to end for me. So I never saw it coming. Never in my wildest life.

That I see cocaine coming to an end. I didn't see me dying from it. Not yet because I was a fucking junkie and I'm an addict. but I didn't see myself ever stopping, ever wanting to stop. Once I met Terry, there were little fucking things that I was like, I got to take care of this before it hits home, before she knows, before I get a DUI, before I got arrested at an airport. You know what I'm saying?

I didn't want her to be a total shock door. So I did sign up for some like Hollywood run rehabs, you know, that you, and I would give them a fake name. and then three days later, somebody would go, hey, I saw you at the comedy store two weeks ago. They didn't know Joey Diaz. They didn't know anything like that. They would just have, hey, look,

and then after I did the longest yard, forget about going to those fucking rehab and those meetings and shit. But I did go to a few meetings just to see what they were about. But I went in Hollywood, and I was like, oh, you know, people getting AA tattoos. And I think the first meeting I went to in Hollywood, some lady got up. And she's like, I came to a meeting last week,

and somebody groped me and I looked at her nobody would ever even dream or groping her but that was her beef for the day that somebody groped her so I didn't go back to a

meeting in L.A. I went to a meeting when I shot the movie Boiler Room. I figured out I go up and it's so fucking weird I figured up

and go up and see where they did this the movie boiler room is about a A.A. meeting that got crashed by a bank robbery, two bank robbers were hiding from the cops and they went into this AA meeting and they took it hostage. And this really happened. And this particular meeting in wherever it's held in Burbank or I forget where it was held guys.

Studio City or one of those, this particular meeting is the big Monday night meeting for the valley. That's where all the stars go. a lot of fucking people go up there so when I got this movie when I did the table read and they said that the movie was going to get shot in like 90 days

I decided on my own to just go up to up there on a meeting one day I recognize some of the people there with some comedians there that I don't need to discuss their names because obviously they're friends at Johns and they take it seriously but it was a great feeling

You know, I went, I watched, but still knew sobriety was not for me. And, you know, maybe a year and a half later, I got the call to do fucking, whatever movie, whatever it was called. And they told me that the movie, because I did the table read for this movie. And I can't remember what the fuck was. Boilermaker. Was it Boilermaker? Yeah. Because Boiler Room is the one about fucking Giannato Ribisi.

calling people and going to jail and shit. Boilermaker's about, so I probably got the read, I probably read the table read from the guy. The reason why I wanted to do Boilermaker was because it had the guy from the fighter in it, way before the fighter. He was just working on, he was a fireman in the fucking show with Dennis Lerry. But I loved him. He was a good guy.

I saw him in Leto Weapon 2. He's been around forever. So when I saw him at the table read, I was like, okay, I want to do this movie. the movie was paying yet before it got cast but once they cast it and they called me a year later the movie paid $100 a fucking day and I was like fuck do I even want to do this movie

so I went over to they said you don't even have to read just go meet with the new producers I went up to I guess I had to meet with them in the valley one day somewhere and I walked in it was a great read and they fucking went over the script with me

and they expected they said listen and I don't know if you know this, this is a low budget production, so we're shooting this. We're shooting three weeks of 12-hour days. We're going to start shooting on November 8th and whatever. It ends around Thanksgiving. And I was like, okay, I'm in there.

Like, we got to talk to you about one more thing. And I'm like, what? And they're like, we'd like to speak to you about your substance abuse fucking problem. And I'm like, what? Like, we really want to talk to you. talk to you about your substance abuse problem. I'm like, okay, hit me. And they go, because the movie is getting shot in three weeks,

and everybody's in the shoot, you cannot miss a day. In fact, you can't even miss an hour. We're going to shoot this, you know, long days fast, but if you miss a day, you fuck the whole production up. so we don't want you to give us an answer on this film right now call us tomorrow let us think about it let us know what you want to do and this conversation will stay here

I was a little agitated at that conversation when I walked out they paid me $100 a day and they're trying to go into my fucking private life there was just like a little fucking thing stopping me from going in there this all happened like all this happened at the same fucking time.

I'll never forget getting in my car and going, fuck these bitches. I'm not doing this fucking movie. Talk to me like that. That's the mind of a junkie talking. By the time I got home, I'm like, you know what? They got a point. They're making a huge investment. And I get it.

So I got a decision whether I could stay off cocaine because it was 21 days. Whether I could stay off cocaine or whether I can't do this movie. All of a sudden, Some things happened, the cat, me, boom, bam. I took the movie. And I took the movie because it was long days. And it wouldn't give my mind a chance to think about cocaine.

When I did, I was on the set. And I got to be honest with you, I got on that set. I completed my 21 days. I did the fucking movie. I did the best job I could. There was one beef on the movie. One day I went there on a Sunday. there was no food.

So I told him I was going home because you have to have food. We pay union prices. But besides that, everything worked out in the movie was great. But at the end of that movie, I realized that I was sober for 22 fucking days. And I was like, holy shit. It's time to go get a fucking huge eight ball. It's time to go get an eight ball with all the motherfucking trimmings. And I got to tell you something.

I said, why? I've already done this for 22 days. Why would I want to fucking go back and do Coke? And that was 15 years ago. Tomorrow, guys. 15 years ago, I clocked it at the 15th. We finished the movie like the day before Thanksgiving because that was our first day off was Thanksgiving.

We went straight for three fucking weeks. So whatever that movie started, I didn't look at the calendar and I was 15 years ago this week, guys, when I decided to make that decision. So if you motherfuckers think, I never had a chance at fucking doing anything in the stand-up comedy community and in the film community,

where the fuck do you guys think I was at with drugs and doing cocaine when I was doing coke five, six nights a week? The reason I tell you this story is because the holidays are coming. A lot of years are living with this shit in your life. Not that I'm here to judge it. I don't give a Frenchman's fuck.

I feel myself a quitter for quitting. You know what I'm saying? You guys are keeping the party alive. But I got to be honest with you, if I tell you all the good things that came my way in these 15 years, compared to my first, you know, 45 fucking years. Because I was 44 when I quit cocaine. Because John Gotti took over the Gambinos at 45.

And I had to take control of my fucking life. So I wanted to be clean by the time I was 45. All this shit that I had done, it came to an end 15 years ago this week. And guys, I never, ever, ever thought, ever that I would get clean. If I never, ever thought I was going to do anything in comedy, what were my chances of getting fucking off cocaine? But through the fucking, I don't know how. I don't know how.

So today this podcast is about 2023 is coming You want to be tip top Mother fucking McGoo Because think about it I didn't do shit with my life Except go to prison Do drugs for 44 fucking years

I could tell you five good things I did In those 44 years But I could tell you 20 good things I did The last 15 years I'm not telling you that sobriety Is gonna fucking open up Of opportunity of whatever for you You're gonna be hanging out

on the beach with Brad Pitt. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying that if you got a chance of doing something, if you clean up from whatever the fuck you're doing, you're giving your life a way better chance. Like I said, I did more in 15 fucking years than I did in 44 fucking years. That's the joint on Monday, the 14th of the fucking month.

That's it and that's that. I love your cuck suckers at all my heart. Stay black. And I'll see you Thursday morning tip top Magoo. And now for a word who are motherfucking sponsors. All right, you fucking savages. Thank you for letting me tell you my story on a beautiful Monday morning. But before you leave, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Again, that's betterhelp.com slash Diaz. The joint is also brought to you by, On It! Listen, I love On It. But like I said earlier, 2003 is coming and you want to be ready for some Alpha Brain, some Shrune Tech, some new mood. You want to be getting ready to work out. And Honour is there to help you. Go to Honit.com, read, learn, see what they got and how they can help you. From the protein powder to the kettlebells, to the club, listen, I can't help you with the kettlebells or the clubbats,

but I could get your 10% off on all their products. Go to Honet.com, pressing code Joey, joint or church, and get 10% off your first order. I want to thank BetterHelp.com, and I want to thank Honet.com. But most importantly, I want to thank you, savages, for always having my back. Have a great day, and I'll talk to you guys Thursday morning.