The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #214 - Joey Diaz, Brian Redban and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 18, 2014

Comedian and producer of The Joe Rogan Experience Brian Redban joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 09/17/2014.     Curtis Mayfield - Superfly

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Nailed at Life.com. They works with wax and oil. Use Cobra Joey Diaz, no spaces, and get 20% off your order. Strap on your motherfucking seatbelt, cock suckers. We're going deep tonight. Oh shit. The Jewish motherfucking Nashlan. I'm coming at you.

What? One, two, motherfucker. Red band in the motherfucking house. We're doing it at the church tonight. Whoa. Smoking it. Eating it. Licking it.

Stick that tongue in her motherfucking ass. No, you didn't. Yes, you did. It tastes like love. Motherfucking, what? The church of what's happening now? Let's do this motherfucker lead. What?

We're going to believe. Red bands in the house, leaves in the house. Edel goes that beneath. The Holy Spirit is out. What? I don't want to stop listening to this. This is a fucking. motherfucking beat right here.

Oh shit. We're kicking this motherfucker off the right way tonight. You might as well take a Viking and tell your wife to go to bed and mind her fucking business. We're crack a lacquerque on here tonight. The church of what's happening now, as usual, my beautiful and sexy co-host, Mr. Lee Syatt, represent the Jewish community of Abdullah. What's happening, though? I'm trying.

Every day. Everything. You're looking good. How many minutes on the stairmaster today? Forty-five. Fucking tremendous. You're going to break your own record. But I told you to do an hour and a half.

You told me to do like three hours. Sure, because then you'll call me later. I went on my diet. Well, I do because you get me so freaking high. You got to be prepared. Prepared for what? You got to be prepared. You got to go home.

You got to make a plan. I told you, he has those rice cakes. You eat those rice cakes and then drink water. It constipates. You're sitting your fucking asshole track. That's why I take fiber twice a day. Do you really? What kind of fiber do you do?

Cillium fiber? That's what? That's what? You mix it with what? No, it's just pills. And you eat them? Four pills twice a day. Look at you and you feel better.

It helps me shit. You got some little red teeth. Because I don't know. I don't know if you, when I'm eating healthy, I don't shit at all. Really? It's like, it's terrible. Do you not like things like broccoli and stuff like that? I eat it, but I don't know what.

It's weird. I eat broccoli. I eat broccoli. You don't eat nothing. This guy. This guy eats fucking French fry. He won't eat. We went to Subway sandwich where you, that's the reason you go to Subway is to

eat that terrible radioactive grass. He didn't put nothing on a sandwich. He puts like lettuce, spinach That's too much Spinish green peppers Letus cucumbers lettuce cucumbers pickles

That's it Letus cucumbers and pickles On almost every single That's why nothing comes out of your asshole I like broccoli When was the last time you ate broccoli A truth Two weeks ago

Yeah Yeah okay then The man of steel is saying That you gotta eat broccoli every day I fucking hate broccoli I hate broccoli I eat cauliflower I never constipated Because I eat sugar fucking

and whatever those things for breakfast, special K. I eat oatmeal. You got to push that shit out. Before you go to bed, I eat some terrible can a little bit last night. And when I wake up in the morning, like a savage. How many times I got, you don't eat those apples you're buying. Don't tell me eating. I have one banana or one apple a day.

What do you do with the fuck? One apple I ain't going to do it for you. How many apples can you eat? Exactly. When was the last time you saw a fat guy that said those apples are killing me? Ever since I started eating apples, I gained 100 pounds. No body. I know. I'm not saying they're bad for you, but how many can you eat?

If you fucking ate three apples before you ate everything else last night, you would have been, I go in home last night, I ate a banana and a cup of coffee. I went to bed. I smoked and fucking ate the same edible. You ate more. Yeah, you. Yeah, and I'm hungry too. I'm fucking starving.

But I go home and I eat that apple first. After I eat that fucking apple, if I'm still hungry, then we dig it on the fucking munch. Well, I'm doing, it's still better. It's just, it's rice cakes and it's healthier stuff than I used to do. I know. I used to go to McDonald's and smile at them. Those old things from the 40s, like an apple a day, they actually are real.

They're real. When you get older, you go, oh, shit, there was something to it. You bite into an apple. Like, last night I've been into an apple, and it was fucking delicious. Yeah. I'm not a fan of the red ones as much anymore. Like, Granny Smith? I'm a fan of the green ones, and my wife gets these are fucking delicious.

Oh, I'm addicted to apples. But after a week or so, I tell you what, I can't stand fucking apples. Then I go to the bananas. But the bananas aren't always fresh to get to those little Puerto Rican ones. I don't like those little fucking Puerto Rico ones. They got little ones and small pananas. They got little ones and long ones. You got to watch it.

Dole puts out the long one. Okay. But Chequita puts out the long one. But then my wife gets these little ones. She's confused. You don't fucking know. I think they're organic. I don't like those things.

I like the big fucking dough ones. You chop them nice. You mix it with light vanilla yogurt. A little granola. Boom. Again, you don't like granola either. No. Well, no, granola's okay.

I don't like yogurt. You don't like oatmeal? You don't like yogurt? You don't like fucking. What's the last time you had a nice special cake? I don't eat that much cereal You can't have really cereal There's too many calories

What do you eat? Special K, you lose 5 inches in two fucking weeks No, you don't You lose 2 inches on your waist What they tell you for two fucking weeks, special K Based on the commercial? Have you done the Special K challenge? Yeah

You fucking lose weight, man I usually have egg whites On toast There's no fiber there On the wheat toast There's no, what, a little piece of wheat toast You gotta add something on the side Little oatmeal, push that muffle out

Little apple with your fucking meat I have either a banana or an apple every day. I have either a banana or an apple. Who eats three apples? That's why you have to eat three apples. Okay. We're talking about here. They're kosher.

I was really worried about that. I know you were. That's why I get turkey bacon. That's the turkey bacon. Then the turkey bacon is horrible. Fucking hot. Anything with turkey is fucking hot dogs are good. I had three more than I.

God. What the fuck. Let me tell you something. Even a pussy closes up when she sees a turkey hot dog. If you tell you, you're going to put a hot dog in a pussy like a Nathan's, the pussy opens right up. Just wave a turkey fucking hot dog at a pussy. It closes up like a Venus

fucking flytrap with a grasshopper in its mouth. You know what I'm saying? Get it together. Cutts a second. Redband in the house. So you don't eat anything healthy at all? Nothing. No, I do. I've been counting calories for about three or four months. So... Are you bad at math? No. No, no, no.

I've lost a bunch, but it's... No, he has it on the... I use the app. There's a thing like an app for free instead of paying weight watches. Yeah, so... And they do the counting for you. It's really fucking amazing. Like today had through Cozy Shack, fucking rice pudding. Bang, 130 calories.

Yeah. They have everything in there. Fucking everything. Panera. They went to Panera and I got a bagel through it in there. Bam, it's fucking amazing. I tell you what's delicious and it's right down the street. They just open up lemonade.

I don't know if you've been to it yet. That is one of the best places if you want to eat healthy but not, if you don't feel like you're eating healthy at all. Like it's just. What are you getting there? You know what is? It's like a kitchen cafeteria. By a Boston Market. Yes, exactly.

Right next door there. They're going to slaughter them. But it's like a cafeteria, but everything's healthy. Like you go in there and they have like fucking just anything you can. You know, it's like whole foods. Like when you go up to the counter for whole foods and you're like, I want some of that egg and Kinwa mixed with the curry rice chicken thing. Well, I don't like Kimwa. I know.

You might, I mean, you might. You might, I would be interested to see. I think you like certain things. I like lemonade. Yeah. Lemonade. Well, then you'd love that. There's like eight different kinds of lemonade.

Then I'm in. Blood Orange. Now, do they have a lemonade at the airport? Denver? I think so. L.A.X. has one where you go in the morning and they have healthy shit. And then they have like papaya lemonade. Yes.

Mango lemonade. They have it at the airport. Delta, United. One of those cock suckers has, I think it's United. And it's great for breakfast. They have oatmeal. They have a couple different fucking things. So it's pretty interesting, man.

Boston Market I love. They're always empty. You are the only ones that like. That one in both. Right there. Jamba juice in the liquor store. Yeah, Robex. Across the street from Toluca Lake Medical Center.

Yep. That's where I go for my fucking physical therapy. I don't go to Robex no more, but I really like that. Well, I do go to Robics and get the green juice, whatever. Yeah, that's shit. Wheatgrass. You get wheatgrass? It's good.

It's good for you, man. You know, I did the juicing for wine. You made fun of me all the way. I like wheatgrass, a cup. I'm not talking about replacing your fucking cheeseburger with kale and beets. and all that shit. I'm talking about a little glass of wheatgrass, never killed nobody.

It's good for the helmet. You know, when I grew up, I ate grass with my neighborhood kids. We'd pick grass from all the different yards and have like tastings to see which grass tastes better. We'd be like, hey, that guy down the street, Mr. Jeffries, he has the best grass. But we're probably, we're just tasting different kinds of urine and poop

and, like, chemicals and stuff that they use to spray their yards. But now that I drink wheat grass, it's like, it fucking tastes the exact same. I'm just like, I'm used to it. I'm just like, ah, weak grass. It's not bad with fresh and squeeze orange juice. It's good for your circulation, wheatgrass. It's good for a lot of things, man.

You'd be surprised. You just go in and get two fucking cups, two little dollars. The dollar 50 apiece, right? Yeah. What are you doing? Lee, who you type in a letter to? There's problems with the East Stream. What happened?

They're saying it's down. So I want to restart it. All right. We just keep doing. Yeah, we're recording. Yeah. All right, as long as we're still fucking. You know what's a great poop.

One of your sponsors in Nature Box, which I, I, I, I subscribe to. You got the box there. Yeah, I got the free one. What did they send you? They sent me a box. I put a picture of it on Twitter. What was it?

Sent me like cinnamon sugar kernels. How were they? Delicious. I had those last night. They sent me some tomato crisp things. And I like the salted popcorn. They sent me one big bag and like four tastes small bags. And delicious.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you sign up for a membership and stuff like that. And I get it once a month. But I love it so much that I've been telling you. that I've been telling them to send it faster. And you can add more stuff on it.

And it's $3 to add each extra item. So you can get a box. I got the last one was like 12 items I got. And it's great, but you start eating a lot more nuts, which is probably good. And seeds. Like I eat a lot of like seeds now. I never used to eat that much seed in my life. But it's weird.

It really fucks your poop up. Like it makes your poop look like it has acne or something. It's crazy. No, that nature box, I've always been very happy with, in fact, I'm waiting for a box now. But I've always, I ate everything I had before. I mean, I go through it. That shit's delicious. And they just, the cocoa almonds are my favorite.

When I go to do the JRE, he's got tons of shit back there. It's amazing how good it is those snacks. If you're not eating that, if you're not on Nature Box, you're fucking slipping. Yeah. And if you're a fucking stoner, you're really slipping. Even what you were saying, the cinnamon kernels. Oh, those are great. Yeah, they're great, man.

It's really cool how technology is really helping in a lot of different ways like that. You never used to think, like, hey, I'm just getting groceries delivered to my house now. And it's the convenience of just going online and just being like, beep, beep, I want that. And it's at your house the next day. Does that how long it takes? Yeah, you can get, if I'm an Amazon Prime member, which is like, you know, not only does it give you like two-day free shipping. It's like one day is like $3.99. In some places in Los Angeles, it's same day delivery.

You could order something in the morning up to like 2 o'clock in the afternoon and get it delivered the same exact day. for like $5 extra. It's great. So, yeah. So Nature Box goes through Amazon Prime. No, no, they don't. I was just saying that how awesome it is nowadays. Like, you know, when you were younger, you never used UPS or FedEx or you never really

used the mail. You know, and now that everyone has stamps.com or all this shit, they can just mail shit from their house. It's just amazing how much, you know, convenience there is now. You don't have to go to all these stores. There's no reason to leave the house anymore. Yeah. I didn't, don't like leaving the house anymore. No, no one does.

It's just really amazing. You have that mailbox.com. And you could just fucking mail. My wife has this thing that you just put your check in the phone and you make a deposit. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just did my first one, Wells Fargo, and your app has it. You just take a photo of the check and then it just deposits it.

And that's it. And three days later, you have to rip up the check or something or mail it to them or something? No, just rip it up. But the one thing I'm worried about, I don't know if you have, I would know Red Van Hurd, but with the new iPhones that are coming out, you put your credit card information in the phone. That seems a little bit scary. Yeah, let's talk about that. You know, that's actually very interesting because.

because if it's very, you know, it seems very, very secure for one. So these new iPhones have a thing in them that when you go to the store, it has this little frequency that comes out, talks to the cash register, and it goes, okay, here's a code number, and it just makes up this number. And then their cashier makes up the number and it matches. So it's just a one-time thing. So it's very secure. And if you put your thumb on the thumb sensor, it reads your fingerprint so it knows.

that you're the person. It's you're paying for it. It's your iPhone. So it's safer than having your wallet and a bunch of credit cards. If you lose your wallet and a bunch of credit cards, you don't know what the fucks where they're at. You know, if you lose your iPhone,

you can lock it. And so no one could use any of your information. No one can even access any of your information. But you're not worried that they're going to get into that. They get into everything now. them breaking into credit cards, big credit card things like a Target and stuff like that happens almost every week. Home Depot last week. Yeah, Home Depot.

Everyone's information. At least this is the only way that it's going to break in is if you have your thumbprint, if you have this one key that it randomly makes up. I mean, there's a lot of security that's way more secure than just having your credit card and giving it for once. I know it's really confusing because it's like new technology and stuff, but if you really broke it down and had like, like, listen or read about it it's very like oh shit this is amazing for once we are going to be able to not have a wallet

anymore or all those fucking cards like jamba juice cards and stuff like that we're going to have everything in our fucking wallet it's it's going to be great and the new i watch has these sensors on it so it detects if it's touching your arm so you can pay

with your watch so in the now in the future we're just going to be like hey and paying for your jama juice by clicking over the catch register. It's going to be if you have your watch on, that new I watch. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it just scared. I know that it's supposed to be safe, but there's

people who are on the computer can do anything. So for me, to me, I don't mind carrying a wallet. So here it is. So I take my fucking phone. And this little thing right here, I press that. My thumb hits that. Well, guess what? My thumbprint's going to stay on there. The fucking Russians or the Chinese

going to figure out something. You put on your thumb and you press somebody else's phone. Right. You know, there's always every morning I wake up, and the first thing I do is I check Bank of America. I check my SAG account. I check Bank of America.

I check PayPal. Just to make sure nobody hacks your shit. You know, I don't get cash deposits or cash withdrawals at fucking weed stores and nothing like that. I do every different transaction to a fucking ATM at my bank pretty much. When I pull cash out,

you know, you try to be as safe as you can. I heard a couple months ago, 2,000 people woke up and all their money was gone. Oh, yeah. Staying at a bank, they stayed at a hotel in Las Vegas, and the hotel's information got robbed at days. So they cleaned out everybody's fucking ATM card. It happens every goddamn day, guys.

It's happened to me twice this year. I mean, and it's mostly, I think in L.A., it's mostly because of gas stations. And people putting those fake skimmers and restaurants where waitresses and waiters have pretty much just something that's the size of a quarter that they attach to their iPhone and reads your credit card number

into their phone, saves the information. They print out new credit cards with your numbers on it, your signature on it. They take a photo of your signature. I mean, it's so easy now. So I think for once, I mean, credit card technology is some of the oldest technology security in the

real. I mean, it's decades old, 20 years old, or more. And so for once, this is actually updating something that's been so fuck i mean you can get a thing that you can buy it best by that will read the heat on a keypad so if you just videotape somebody using a key or videotape a keypad after somebody uses it it shows you what buttons they pushed in order even because of they of heat and i mean so now we're not having all that crap we have a digital thumbprint we have our a random token

I think it's awesome and I think it's going to change I think it's one of iPhone's biggest accomplishments if this pans out how I think it's going to be I think that's really going to change Are you excited about the new iPhone 6? I am, I am, I am.

I actually, I'm not getting the same day because I ordered online a little late so I get mine weeks later but I'm not really sweating it this time around because it's just a bigger phone and half these features

it's going to take a couple months until everyone's paying with iPhones if not eat longer. But it's very cool. And it's going to be also interesting to see because it came in two sizes. The bigger one, how many people are going to switch to the bigger one? Because every review I've read said I started off thinking

the big one was way too big and no way I would ever get used to it. But then I loved it so much that I kept on using. And then after a few days, I only want to use the bigger one. So it's going to be weird how many hand disorders and stuff people are going to start having, like carpal tunnel syndrome, but it's stretching your hand out to hold bigger items that you're not used to. It's going to be weird how it's going to fuck people's hands up. What did you get? The big one of the regular one?

I ordered both, and whichever one then I get first, I'm going to keep. And the other one I'm going to send back after I fuck with for a while. That's how I... What is it like to you, Joey? Because, like, I was thinking, I forget where I was, but I was talking to somebody the other night. I'm like, what technology thing is going to come next? Because if I showed you this phone when you were my age, you'd be like, that's never going to have. happen. So what does it like for you to

have all this? Like, it was hard to pay for it with a credit card when you grew up. Like that had the little slidey thing that they had taken an imprint of and that's why you could steal credit cards and now you can have it in a phone. Like, what is it like? Listen, you know, just like I did the regular credit cards, young kids, you know, younger than you guys, are going to put together a way to rob. That's just the way it is. There's somebody already reading on this technology waiting for this phone to come out on Friday.

waiting for people because there's always something. I mean, I never thought that you could take some of these credit card information from a gas station and it's being done all over the valley. The Russians own that technology. And they send those cards back to Russia. The next thing you know, you've got to build it.

You paid for a Russian fucking hooker in Moscow. You've never been to fucking Moscow in your life, you know? It's just amazing. And listen, the credit card technology, there were so many holes in it 30 years ago when I was fucking with credit cards. I fuck with credit cards for like three years and I got really good at him. I got really good at him.

And when you're a thief and you're fucking around, the word gets out. You know, that guy in Red Band? Yeah, at his liquor store, he don't give a fuck. He don't give a fuck. He needs cash. So if you go down and you buy 10 bottles of booze, he's not going to ask you for an ID. He'll tell the credit card people he got an ID from you. Now you can't do that because it's all on tape.

Everything's on tape. Whatever I tell the cops, a kid came in with a blue hat and a white shirt. All right, let's get the video footage. You're dead now. You're dead unless you walk into these things. I loved credit card theft when I was a kid. Why? Because it was my bread and butter.

It was my bread and butter for three fucking years. To a degree that I was addicted to it. Was Discover Card your slut? All of them. All of them. I had it down. I knew that if you stole a card on a Sunday night and, LA and you overnighted it to me, I still had the amount on Tuesday because they would put the

theft out into, so when you call V's and said, my car gets stolen, where was your car stolen? At L.A., where are you living in L.A.? They first secure zone number one. Oh, they don't just turn it off? No. It would go across the country. So Monday, that zone gets alerted first. Tuesday, Colorado, Vegas gets alerted. Wednesday, the Midwest, and the Midwest, and And by Thursday in New York, the computers have come up. There were so many scams. If you kept it under $50, you didn't have to ring it. So you looked in a booklet.

Who's going to look on the booklet when you got 50 people online? You know what I'm saying? So you knew what places to go to. You knew what places. I believe it's $75 now because it's when every time it happens, it's always $75 increments at different gas stations and carryouts. And it's always, always $75. And like how would you just like would you buy like a computer and then try to sell it to get money?

I had a thousand different things. I had 10,000 different scams. I had first I knew a lady growing up who you would tell her what you wanted. You would go to her and say, hey, I want a MagnaVox microphone X290 to have my guitar center. The $800 a piece. I need five of them. She looked in the face and said that's $4,000 retail. I want 2,000 cash when I get to your house.

I want 50%. Done. So I never figured. I was like, wow, how does she do it? Yeah, she doesn't cost her anything. It doesn't cost her. She doesn't lose at all. She charges you $100 for it.

So I would always very intrigued by that type of theft. And then running around, people would say, I just stole this credit card. Give me $50 for it. The dude had a fucking Lincoln Continental. I'm sure there's money left on it. And that's the old Puerto Rican. way. You ever do checks? Where you going into

store? I did one check one time, got caught. I don't like them. A checks is like stealing a car. There's not much you could do with it. Okay. You got a need ID, birth certificate. When you're on the, you know, a credit card in those days is a lot of easier to form it. I did travelers checks. Oh, those are

like cash. We like cash. Plus, again, they're travelers checks. Tourist places, white Gentiles, can I get an ID? Can I get a picture ID of thumbprint? When you went to Japan Town in San Francisco, Chinatown. They don't give a fuck. American Express is going to pay them too.

I never did any of that shit. The only shit I did is we did Magic Dollars, where it's where you took packing tape, clear packing tape, and you put it on the end of a $20 bill or a $5 bill or a $10 bill, and you wrap it around the other side, but you had to only get the very, very edge. Like, I'm talking like

a quarter of an inch, less than a quarter of an inch. And you'd put it in a cigarette machine and then yank it out. So it would register it's $20, give you change for a pack of cigarettes, and then we'll give you a pack of cigarettes. So it would fill our backpack with money and cigarettes and cans of pop and any kind of machine we can find, and then sell it in high school.

We had it in my trunk, and it was just filled to the rim with anything you possibly wanted. When you're 16, you make $30, that's a great fucking day. You know, you make $30 on your own. You know, what's your parents give you for an allowance? $2? $5. I didn't get allowance for you. $10.

So you make $30 stealing fucking cigarettes as a kid. But I always thought that. I always really thought I would get caught for credit cards because I was addicted to it. I liked it. After a while, I got really good. After a while, I knew certain people at certain places. So let's say I got a credit card, but I knew this guy in the Bronx that had a bar. So I would go in and he'd bring the card from him.

And he'd go, you could. What's your limit? You got 900 left. Let's put 900 on it. You take $450 and give me $450. I just made $450. That's better than making nothing. Yeah.

You know, and the bartender made $450 because he's going to ring it through. He's going to pull it right out of the register. We did shit like that. That's where you, you know, and then again, you want a microphone or I just go buy shit. I go buy a bracelet and come back and go, Lee, you like braces? Yeah.

It's $2,000 at the store. Give me $800 cash right now. That's how you made money with them. Plus, you buy shit for yourself. That's crazy. It's fucking amazing I got addicted to pit pocket Not pickpocketing but like

Stealing from stores But I stole like a DVD I didn't steal anything like $400 worth Yeah But it was always great I always got me a little high Like walking over the

The barrier between the metal detector It was the scariest moment I got really good at it And then I got caught And then I never did it again But I mean I did a lot I had like four video games In my crotch

and like a phone, like a wireless phone box. The scariest one I ever did, I was doing my six months in Israel, and they brought the entire, all the group from the school, they brought them to the grocery store. So I was buying pots and pans. But I was a bro. I was my first year of college. I didn't want to buy the pots and pans,

so I put my bag on top of it, and I thought I had hidden it. But I had to ask somebody in the store what the word for pots and pans were in Hebrew. So I knew it. And when I got to the cash register, heard her go on the phone and say the word. So I took it out because they were like watching me and I didn't want to get arrested in Israel for stealing posse. No, no fuck.

I'm throwing in the Jewish jail. You can't put missiles up your ass. You can't take it. Oh, it's terrified. You can't take a half a gummy bed. Imagine there's real jail. It'll be bit slapping. You look good tonight, Doug, dog.

I'm high. You're looking sharp as shit. Your head, dude, you got some gel in that motherfucker? No, I don't have enough here for that. Smoking and shit. He doesn't seem that high. I thought he usually is really high. I know.

I'm really, really high. Nah. What did you think of last night, brother? That was crazy. I had been last year to one, and I had been to one more this year of Ari's shows taping. And it's cool because I'm no Ari, so it's cool to see that happening. And it's cool because I'm such a fan of comedy to get to see. It's not only, it's not, it's different that it's not comedy, it's a story.

But then the one you did, I'm not going to give anything away, but not all of it was funny. And all the other comics always seemed to have to try to make it funny, which is what you probably think of doing. But it was cool because you started off. I don't think they laughed for a few minutes, but then you hit them with something really dark. And it was a while that it was a, like people were interested.

It wasn't like they weren't paying attention. But it must be scary. Storytelling. That's what I wanted to do. That, you know, when you're a comic, you're trained to go up there and make them laugh. when you're telling the story, you're trained to go up there and tell them the story,

and the story will find its own laughter along the way. What I kept thinking about when I was there last night, and it's interesting that, you know, I know Brian was going to be on the show tonight, but what I kept thinking about, last night when I saw Ari with his red fucking suit on and sneakers. I saw pictures of that.

I thought about you and Joe, after gigs, it had to be five years ago. You would leave and go to a whole house. hotel room and you would do podcasts and like stupid tapings I don't even know what you call them then yeah we used to make short videos

not even short video this is when you guys are doing like tape recordings and then he got in trouble because two kids in Cleveland or Ohio did DMT oh really do you remember that so now you guys were kind of deterred on Friday nights after shows Joe

and Red Band would go to rooms and I get pissed off because I'd say listen, guys, if they're in the fucking house watching you two morons, they're kids. They can't do nothing. Why are you fucking entertaining 15-year-olds? Talking about weed and fucking 15-year-olds.

Knock it off. But that was the inception of the podcast. And believe it or not, that was the beginning of storytellers, Ice House Chronicles, the church of what's happening now, that was, you know, it's so hard that that's when it all started.

and then you guys were doing it sitting on a fucking couch a la Puerto Rican and five years later this is where we are it's a complete different medium at another agency called me yesterday they're starting a

a comedy division digital department and they wanted to sign me you know shit like that it's very interesting that this is all a different world and some of these agents some of these industry people have no idea about this world exists. There's a tremendous following in numbers.

You know, it's got to be in the millions of people who will listen to the podcast now. It was in a hundred thousands a couple of years ago. Now, it's up there. This is, this is it. Radio is almost fucking dead. Oh, it's dead. Radio is almost fucking dead. But this all started in those fucking hotel rooms.

You and Joe just, and I would say, I'm going to my hotel room. You guys are retarded. I'm going to talk to kids and shit. Yeah. You know, what's really weird is that the whole web camming thing and interaction, you know, it's been around for a long-ass time. When I lived in Ohio and I was about 23, we used to use this shit called, I believe it was Pal Talk or something like that. It was just pretty much you stream, but it was like you're, it was just everyone did it.

And you just kind of talked. It was like, it was kind of like FaceTime. But it was a long time ago, like when the internet was just like, you know, 56K modems and stuff. But me and this girl that I used to date, we would fuck on those webcams. And we didn't care. We thought it was cool. I was like, oh, dude, people are watching us right now. This is crazy.

But I'm just thinking, like, how lucky I was that that happened so long ago. And there's not copies of that, you know, floating around. Because if you were 23, 24, what kind of trouble would be? you have gotten into if that's what everyone in your age group was doing everyone was doing they were doing podcasts from the start they were doing face time they were putting their life online in vimeo and youtube and and pretty much instead of having a private diary your diary is now animated and and you have t-shirts of your diaries and it's it's really interesting how as technology gets older, bigger and bigger, it's more

you're a piece of art or you're a something that can be put into a package. Like, you know, look at Flying Jew over here. You know, he's wearing a shirt about him. You know? In the future, I think

these little podcasts that we're doing and stuff, we're all going to be channels. You're going to have your own channel. You're going to have your own channel. We have HBO, we have Joey Diaz, we have ABC, we have local news we have the flying Jew channel which is cool because he's got this new thing but you know and so it's so weird how technology really is making us all our friends and stuff we're all being our own thing yeah entity it's you know

it depresses me now when I get calls and comics and people are depressed now because this is the best time to be a comedian this is the best time to be anything in the performing arts field because honestly you don't need anybody we were talking to Adam Hunter the other night and I told him I go you're taking this bullshit from this company and you don't need it for the short money they're giving

you you don't need it you could get an office you could do a fucking show in here we could put four fucking stages in here you know that we could break this up into four fucking stages yeah and then do a nightly fucking show and nobody would know weather

cultural events sports and dick sucking Nobody would fucking know. Nobody would care. That is the... And at the end, asked for donations. What, none of you have seen that channel where they put concerts on

and pianos and synops. And what do they do at the end? Telephone. What do they do at the end? They ask for donations. For $50, we'll give you two tickets. Get a little phone room where there's just six people

all sitting there with their cell phones open. And you put them on camera. Hello, how are you? Smoking cigarettes and doing blow and fucking... Naked shit. When was the last time you fucking called? I just went like six Joey Diaz is over there. into the joint.

I would fucking answer the phone. You know, this is what people could do. So when people come to me and go, my career is not going, I look at you now and go, I can't get an agent. Good. That's even better. Now you don't need somebody over your shoulder

telling you something is not going to work. I can't get a manager. Good. Even better. Now you don't have somebody over your shoulder telling you it's not going to fucking work. It's all your dream. That's why I get upset with people with podcasts. This is your

outlet. This is our outlet, Lee. The church is our outlet. So it's up to you. You don't want to get together during the week and talk about our outlet? It's fine. You don't want to talk about it on the phone. This is one shot you have. This is our shot. I'm not fortunate. I don't have three arts. I don't have CIA that's going to put me on a TV show. Guess what? This is my TV show. So that's how you have to look at it. Who needs a fucking TV show? Right. And it's crazy. A lot of times you'll hear the argument, oh, well, technology killed all these jobs that we just don't need any or video stores or travel agents, things like that. But technology creates so many more.

Like, I wouldn't have this job if it wasn't for Redbit. Like, if this didn't exist, and it creates people for Twitter. Like, my mom is getting on me today telling me I should be the Twitter for celebrities. That I could do that during the day. And that's people's jobs now. And it's good. I watch the eye. I couldn't sleep.

I can't sleep at night when I do comedy. I leave the Comedy store and I come up Laurel Canyon. I can't fucking sleep at night. I watch Nightline. I can't sleep at night. ever. First fucking news thing was about millionaire, people who become a millionaires on Instagram. Yep.

Doing commercials, six second commercials. TV shows. Product placement. It's bigger ever on fucking line than ever. Any day, Coke, all this shit, it's over. They do it on Vine. Yeah, Coke is on Vine and Instagram. They know that who the fuck is watching Shartanth on a Friday night, 9 o'clock

and you're going to spend $200,000 to run fucking ads, you're throwing away money. You got 18 people watching it, and they DVR who your fucking commercials anyway. They DVR, sorry. Right or wrong? When you tape something, when you tape the UFC now, you don't watch Joe and Dana. It's going to be a great fight.

Fuck, no, you fast forward, that motherfucker. When you're watching at somebody's house, you watch it. But any time you watch something now, your hand is on that fucking fast forward. First time they have a pimple commercial, you're fucking fast forward through that thing. Yeah, but they're already adapting to put

product placement in shorter things. It's the YouTube ads. We're never going to get rid of them. I don't watch the UFC anymore. I just wait until it's an animated gif. You know, when I see it on a message board. It just repeats the knockout over and over again. I just sit there and go, wow.

How pissed is Dana White at, what's his face? Who's fighting this weekend at like midnight? Roy Nelson. He hates Roy Nelson. He puts him on a, on a UFC-only website. Yeah, it's Japan. It starts at midnight. Is Joe going to that, I wonder?

No. I want to go to Japan. It's on like the UFC. the internet channel. No, no, no, no, no. It's just really amazing where all this shit has gone. And it's all because of you guys. I mean, like I said, I didn't know what the fuck you motherfuckers are doing.

And then you guys were coming up on TV, on the computer. I'm like, what the fuck are these guys doing? And then I did a couple, and people are hitting you up saying shit to you. And you're like, what the fuck is going on? you know and then we started one with Felicia we started one with this fucking good good so how you feel I'm really high I think it's time for another peanut brittle yeah you're not even acting stoned at all you're acting like professional what do you want to pick let's pick up of a quote I'm really okay you know you're not

you're not really okay have the gummy have the three quarters of a guy you want to have a piece of a deca no let's do it a little piece of a deca what was the last time you did come on let's do the feet all the time's sake you're not high enough so you're getting you're resistance is getting too high. You're a big boy now. You know what I'm saying? This is what I'm saying to you. Have you been following at all that?

I fucking, I hate TMZ, but I listened to that audio of that girl that was in DeJango or Unchained or whatever when she... I didn't listen to it, but who fuck, if you have sex in the car, you're going to get fucking arrested. No, but the thing is that the officer had his mic on or his thing on, because they record their audio when they're confronting people now. When you talk to a cop, they're recording you.

So, uh, they, uh, she, she pulled the race card like in the first 30 seconds. She's like, she brings up black people and goes, well, you know, you know, we wouldn't want to want to have another incident and blah, blah, blah, blah, about race. And he's like, who brought up race? It's like, what's her face? Who's that southern, sweet home Alabama? She got arrested like a year or two ago in Atlanta. I was saying, you don't know who I am.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm going to ruin you. It's stupid. Winner Wetherspin. This is not bad, Joey. This isn't that way tasting. This is pretty good. I told you that. From the other life.

Want to be? Yeah, I'm good. It's delicious. Yeah, I'm fucking stoned as hell. I never eat. And that little gummy eye thing, I had, I feel like I'm on Viking in or something. You know, it didn't take a genius to tell me that little black girl's a fucking jerk off. Didn't take a genius.

And the boyfriend's a fucking stiff, too. Yeah. They're both an example of Studio City. That's exactly... Studio City. The black girl with a shaved head. A black girl with a shaved head walking barefoot with a geeky fucking boyfriend.

And just because she's an actress and she was in a movie, somebody's got to kick her ass and she's unique. Because she's got that little hairdo. And because she, you know, her cousin was Shaka, the great fucking African queen. Well, guess what, bitch? It's Studio City. You can't be barefoot making out with some fucking white dude.

Guess what? That's the shit that hookers do. So you look like a fucking hooker, okay? Right away, they want to bring up all because I'm black. Yeah, you're a black chick with a white fucking faggot-looking motherfucker in Studio City. It looked like you were doing a trick. You know? When the fuck does it end?

They walk around with these biraciales like it says, oh, I'm cool because I'm with a black chick. I'm fucking nice because I'm with a white person. You're both fucking concerned of what people think of you You could tell by looking at them They're both two fucking jerklaws And she's the leader of the jerk off ring You could tell that she's the leader of the jerk off What she had on and who do you think you are

Fuck you At the end of it all you're a fucking yom You're a black chick in Studio City How the fuck you expect them to treat you How the fuck do you expect them to treat you That you know what the fuck And I'm supposed to feel fucking bad No I'm telling you the truth

you're a fucking yam you're out of your fucking neighbor and you're in studio city those are the fakes white people in civilization in studio city you don't believe me go to that fucking lor canyon fucking farmers market with all those testosterone dads and a bunch of dick suckers walking around with their kids in the pouch i love my family so much nobody likes their fucking want to be with their fucking family on sundays it's fucking football and that fucking cut wife walking with a friend that needs to we need to find you a man like you're your husband because he's fake fucking loving the kid. Get the fuck out of here.

Go home and watch football. There's no man in this country on Sunday wants to be the farmer's market with their cunt wife and her friend walking around. Oh, look at him. Get the fuck. They want to be home, drinking beers, scratching their fucking balls watching football. That farmer's market walking around like,

I care. You don't fucking care. With paparazzi. That's where they banned me. They banned me from up there. Really? They actually banned you? Until December. Because I can do a fight with a paparazzi. and I was the only one And you know what? All these dads muscled up, ripped up

With their testosterone Now one guy stopped and said Can I help you, bro? They seen me with the baby Was in a fucking carriage And my wife and they're yelling at us I'm yelling back And that one of those faggot fucking dads

In Studio City had the balls To say two words At the fucking faggot farmer's market That's why I don't go up there no more I go up there sometimes with a pizza And there's a Mexican dude That has good fruit And that's why don't go up there no more

And then they got a fish guy too that has good halibut and good clams and shit. But beside, I go up there early. I go up there like a nine. And they got a place that has Mexican hot dogs wrapped with the bacon. But they have the strawberry and the milk mixed with ice cubes. Okay. But they don't have it no more. So fuck them too.

They gave me a business card and said, if you want, they got to come to a restaurant in downtown LA. I got to go visit fucking your girlfriend down there and fucking American Gangsterville. I don't need that shit, my way. Why don't you just go to pavilions? And do what? Instead of go to the farmer's market. Pavilions, that sucks, too. That fucking blows, that supermarket.

Pavilions and that cousin, what's the Rouse cousins? Vons, Aldersen's, Rouse. Food for less. Food for less. That's, oh, my God. That's, John's. Yeah, I live next to John's. You know what's really scary?

L. Super in Englewood. Which one? Yeah. L. Super. Yeah, that's real fucking. They've got live animals in the back and fucking, you hear the animals bleeding and getting stabbed and shit in El Super. They have that same one up here in Lancashim, a couple blocks up.

You walk up there, you could smell the goats and your shit. They got sawdust on the floor, but they don't fuck around. The fish and the meat is fresh. Oh, yeah. And if you go on Sepulah, they got the fish one, the Japanese fish one. That's tremendous. They got fucking heads and shit in there. You can buy eyeballs, fish eyeballs.

They have just a row of fish eyeballs staring at you. Oh, jeez. Tremendous. I've been hanging out in South Central a lot. Don't ever go there. Why not? They go to every week. There's so many prostit.

There's like more meat on the street than there is in the refrigerator. You know, it's just fucking prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, prostitute, drug dealer, drug dealer, prostitute, prostitute. Why would you go down that? Because my girlfriend lives there. Oh, no. Oh, she lives there too? And sometimes I have to spend the night there.

No, no, no, no, no. You guys, what the fuck? What the fuck is wrong? Mexicans are just so much better. Hey, man. The fuck is wrong with you. It's scary as fuck. You got to tell them, listen, it's over.

This fucking Guala. life you live with air conditioners and cousins on the floor and shit it's over now he's doesn't have that sheds her in place and moving up there with me to the fucking white people studio city we'll go to farmers market it's scary look at gentiles we'll look at fucking fake people and that's scary no air conditioning can't live yeah you can't do it that's fucking ridiculous people yell on that night and scream oh it's a lot of roosters Whatever. No, no, no, no, no.

It's 2014. That's just a camp. It can't happen. You're a nice Jewish boy. You got to get it together. You got to lay rules time. You got to tell people what's cracking. You know, we got tents here, but no.

Tens? Whatever. You're sleeping in a tent? All of them. Fuck it. You got ten cousins? We got tents. I can't be down there.

I'm not going to drive back and forth. You can move in here. You got tents. But they're going to take you, and then they're going to beat you up down there. Don't corner me from the hospital. You got to be. Remember, I'll go fuck yourself.

I don't go down there at night that often. No, and what do you think they're doing at daytime? You think they're home fucking block. They're on the corner. They hang out on chopping cards. They'll get those pigeons like in that movie, and the pigeons will come get you. Then they'll butt fuck you to death and you'll be dead.

The pigeons? Whatever the fuck, you know. They got to pull up with, you see that? But it's amazing. All this shit, thunder pussy, this all came from you guys having a stupid fucking vision, you know, a stupid,

little fucking vision. And it's amazing. I remember when I used to try to get you guys to do it in the green room. And I remember at Cobbs, once in particular, we were doing it and we were talking to the fans. Because what I wanted to do is have Joe be able to just talk to the fans and interact with the fans like it does with his message board. And when like Justin TV was around, which was like a live streaming website, it was really, that was one of my favorite things is trying to record the green room. Because I thought the green room. Because I thought the green room. room experience while after hanging out with you guys was some of the most amazing shit ever

before a show Joe would have you Ari me and like would have a gang of people just like fucking getting drunk and having fans up and partying and smoking weed and and and I thought it was interesting and I thought that would be cool to showcase this this part of it and you know that's kind of what the Ice House Chronicles is based around is like those green rooms before the show and I remember one time in particular, though, this was still during the phase when you didn't have a cell phone yet. I think you had a flip phone and you

just had that little flip phone. And we were talking to the audience and you got really mad at it. And you're like, turn that shit off. Fucking fart. Remember? You like grab my little pinky. No. What happened was? You know, I am

very super paranoid of a computer. You're not anymore, though, are you? You've kind of embraced it, right? I grew up in a house where a man, 30 years ago, a paranoid, crazy Cuban man used to tell me that he wouldn't talk even close to a hung-up phone. And then years later, Nixon had that technology where he would bug the wire and the outside of the phone. So if you talked by the phone, he had you. I mean, it was just amazing.

So we would talk about men's shit. I'd be talking about drugs to tape. And you'd have that fucking computer open with that camera on us. And one night I go redband, put the fucking thing down. And you're like, hold on, two minutes. Put it down. Hold on, two minutes. Put it down.

And I remember I was getting off the blow. You know, when somebody's getting off blow, do yourself a favor. Either embrace them or don't fuck with them. Don't fuck with them. Do not fuck with them because they're on edge. Especially the first 90 days. It was January of 2008.

We were at Cobbs. All of us. And you know, it seems like a year ago, but it really fucking wasn't. Now, what's interesting about that whole time period is I just watched this the other day. I made a video back in the day called Joey Diaz ready to die. And this was at the same time period. And there was a point of your time before these podcasts that I remember that you were really down. You were maybe because you were coming off a blow, but you were really depressed.

You sat there, it's like, you know, I just don't care anymore. Nothing, nothing, you know, nothing entertains me. And then I think Eddie Bravo said something like, what about CSI? And he goes, yeah, I mean, it's good and all. But, you know, but I don't have any will reason to live anymore. Like, you gave up. And that time period, I remember there was a good two or three months that I followed year around.

I mean, almost every weekend we'd go to a different comedy club and I would record it. And I tried, I remember, because I was like, oh, my God, my first. friend is sad, my friend is depressed. And I tried to make a story about, you know, I wanted at the beginning being kind of sad and depressing, the middle kind of showing like, hey, we are, we are having fun together hanging out on the road and stuff. And then the end where you're just fucking dancing and singing. And so I wanted it to start off, you know, kind of where it was in that place and go

through the whole emotions. And I remember that time period, that video, there was times where we were on airplanes and you were singing in front of the intercom on a full flight, you know, on American Canary Airlines and we did that twice. There was the parts where I would text you and you were like getting pissed off. Like I'm going to kill you. And used to it. Oh my God.

That's when you first told us you're mugging a fag story. But the whole story though was very interesting about that time period. And it's amazing where how much different you are now. Now you're a completely different person. You're happy. You're doing something you want to do.

Your fucking comedy is fucking blowing the fuck up. You have to be, I mean, you have a beautiful daughter now. You have to be just like, holy shit, thank you. Where the fuck did this come from? This is amazing. I remember 2006 going to a USC with Joe. We got there on Friday morning. Usual shit, check into your room.

Go eat, go to the way in, do the show. Go eat. Go to your room. go to the fight. We went, I'll not forget this, we went, did the show. I think once we checked in, I had a guy in Vegas who's still there.

I would call, and he was so tied in, you can't pass security in those hotels with Joe stays. He would knock on your door. That's how tight he was with the security hotel. He'd come in, he'd sell you an eight ball for $120, and a come-down package for an extra 20 bucks, two Vicodans, a Valium, and something else, like a Perkinset.

And I would sit in that fucking room. And I would watch the phone ring and Joe call me and the hotel phone ring, people looking for me. And I wouldn't answer the fucking phone. And there was one particular weekend where my friends I grew up with James, Veneery. Those guys were in Vegas staying at the same hotel and I wouldn't see him. I kept telling them I was rehearsing. Oh, I'm doing something with the UFC.

can't meet you guys I didn't leave my own time that night when I did that ready to die I had eaten like 15 fucking Vicodans that was right after the longest yard was released and nothing happened and the coke had just taken over me it was fucking horrible guys it was horrible my house was quiet me and I didn't talk to Terry then Terry knew something was up it was horrible all I did was want to snort Coke and I was ready to die and I don't know what I stopped small ago it was amazing times to see Joey transfer

I mean I used to hang out this guy every single week we would be somewhere different doing something different at the comedy store on the road in Texas and it's so amazing at seeing Joey happy and fucking on top of his game and texting I ain't texting I got an email from fucking Starwood fucking international

You get a hotel and they text you for 18 years. Come get a hotel deal. I didn't get a hotel. The club put me there. Leave me the fuck alone. No, it's, uh, I tell, you know, I have a friend that won't stop drinking. And I stopped communicating with her about a year ago, really. And she still calls me from time to time.

She goes, I don't hear from me no more. At the end of the conversation, I always tell it, you know, man, your life would change, and you would just stop. I can't walk you to an AA meeting. I can't do that. I'm just telling you from experience now that your life will change. But you got to put some effort into it. You know, I remember that night in Austin when I got you to blow at the White Rose strip club

and we got in trouble in the bathroom. You know, when I got to a town and Rogan would watch me like a hawk, and I'd still out hawk him. You know, it's not Joe's world. It's not Joe's world. So Joe doesn't know how to judge people from that round. He didn't know who to drug dealing. dealers were. He told me all that guy, I know he was your drug deal. And I go, no. It was the guy that was sitting in the green room that you were talking to about metaphysics. But you didn't know it. You think it's a guy with the tattoos, the long hair that was moving fast. He was on blow. But he's not my dealer, stupid. The dealer is the guy you were talking to the club owner.

He used to get so. I was thinking of a story in Tempe, Arizona. When I first discovered I had to sleep at. I thought I was confused and sleep apnea for insomnia. And there was one night that me, Chris McGuire, and Joe Rogan went down to Phoenix. And we did the improv. And then we were leaving on a Sunday morning and also I heard the door banging. And I opened the door on the security and Joe and Chris McGuire and Joe is pale. He's like, I thought you died. You were out with Danny Murrow all night snort and born.

I'm like, I wasn't, though. I couldn't, I woke up at five. I woke up at four with sleep apnea. with sleep at me and I couldn't fall back to sleep. And I'd fall in the sleep by maybe 15 minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off. Oh, the whole fucking cab ride, he wouldn't shut the fuck out about rehabs. It's time for you to go to rehab. I wasn't even doing blow night before.

But in his mind, I was a Danny Murr, and this has to end. And we got to the airport, and the plane was delayed three hours. And I'm like, what the fuck are you yelling about? We're going to be late for the fucking airport. But it was that type of shit. Joe didn't know what to expect. I would leave them there. I would leave you motherfuckers there, though.

You know that shit. I would leave your ass there. What do you mean? Go where? I would get a pat, but... You'd get an early flight and just like... Where are you at? I'm already in L.A.

But I would also do the show with them, and soon as I got off stage... Pee-em! They knew it. It was called Pee-b-b-beam. What was that story where he said, like, he said you're going to Vegas, but then he just didn't show

of like I'm right to tell you how I'm still we were going to Rascals in New Jersey and in those days I was like your friend I couldn't afford a $400 plane ticket

$300 plane ticket I was barely paying fucking rent and Joe calls one day he's like hey you want to go to Rascal I'm like yeah all right get a plane ticket and I just kept waiting

to get money to pay and I never got it and then I was a week out and I couldn't call him and go hey I didn't buy for a plane ticket he's gonna get pissed off so I just said fuck it

I lied to and I just told him I was on the way and the plane was delayed no it was a fucking sad time man and if you know anything about Joe it's really weird he's still my friend if you know anything about Joe and how he acts and his tendencies to drug people

because once the drugs pop up Joe shuts down that's it certain drugs Cope pills Adderall and even the low hand collection boozing.

The low-hand class. Yeah, you know, there's no way. He's not going to go for it. It turns him completely around. And when I was doing it, it was making him sad. It really was making him sad. I could see it. In his face, when I'd sit next to him in first class, I could see it.

I could see that it was making him sad, you know. So it was just a fuck. I was leaving him everywhere. He would get offstage and say, where's Joey? He left. That's what he would say. people tell me he'd get out stage and wouldn't even go that's a great set he'd get out of stage and go where's Joey?

Yep Yeah of course I remember him doing that a lot He's fucking gone Motherfucker And I'd be in mind He'd start calling me and there's no way I'm answering the phone dog Once I do a line of Coke And I put Do Not Disturb

Yeah A hotel fire won't get me out of that hotel fucking room What you were doing crazy amounts though That's I mean that is dangerous It's you know that's the you know the comedian I wasn't doing crazy amounts No I mean you were doing it a lot, though. I was doing it every night.

Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like me, like, drinking, you know, I'll go get so stressed that I feel like, all right, I need to stop working, I need to drink just as so it doesn't feel like I'm working. You know, I get in, like, ruts of that, but I, you know, I have to control myself and, like, take three days off in a row

once a week, you know, just kind of a... I was taking Sundays off. For the Lord's Day. For the Lord's Day. And I would take, like, a weird night during a week off. But I would always go three nights in a row and then take a night off and then

Well, I don't know what I would do. Like, I've thought about it. Like, what, like, because you've told me what happened. Like, if you were still doing Coke, you'd be like, we wouldn't be doing the podcast. No. So, like, no. I wouldn't know what to do if one of my friends was, like, on a drug like that.

No, if I was doing Coke, you would have got five calls already. We're not doing a podcast at 6 a.m. You would have probably got 10 calls that were not doing it at 9 either because I wouldn't rest until I had it at night. Like, for me to come in here and be good, I'd have to have it in my pocket.

It would end an hour and a half on the dot. On the dot. It wouldn't go a second over an hour and a half. Like by the time, listen, let's say the podcast started at 7. By 8.45, I'd be in my house. Tell him Terry, she had to go to bed. You got to go to bed? You got to go to bed.

Lee, can I ask you a serious question? Okay. Has Joey made you record? him poop yet? No. Like, he made me record him poop once.

No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. No, I didn't. He's farted on me before, but... It was a... It was those fucking disgusting people that made me take a shit while you were taping me.

How did he get sold on that? You won't go to an audition if it's after 2 p.m.? You want to eat another gummy? No, no. I got a whole fucking peanut brittle here, cuck, sucker. It's really amazing what happens to your life when you give it a chance.

You know, when you really give it a chance to my wife. I didn't know what that wasn't going to last. 2007, when I got off the blow, that was 90 days away from disintegrate. Me and Terry, 90 days away. If I wouldn't have quit, that holiday would have been fucked up. We would have broke up before Valentine's Day. I'm telling you right now. I quit at the right time.

So instead of January, her doubting me, she was doubting me in a different way. Well, he's doing something different. I can tell him this attitude. We have more money in the house account. He's not going to the bank of three in the morning. What? Because she'd always say to me,

why do you go to the bank for $60 at 2 in the morning? What can you possibly? I want to have money in the morning. You don't have money in the morning. What did you do with it? It's in the car. Why would you leave your money? the car because I hit it. That's why I put it when I went to the ATM and I fucking

let it then. I'll leave me alone. That money was long fucking gone. It's amazing. It fucking is amazing. There was no meetings. There was no hugs. There was no tears. There was no intervention. There was no 20 fucking friends coming over and crying and giving you Christmas cards. I wouldn't handle that shit. I remember going to your wedding and I had white hair and a black mustache. Hot mess. Well, you were clean at the wedding, right? Yeah, oh yeah. You know, I'm always clean.

I haven't, the only time I ever was doing a lot of... Fuck, I got that ecstasy in the house. I should have brought... I mean, the only time I already did George... The two guys that gave me this, yeah. It was like 10 below zero, and they were sweating profusiously. They were gluing or two and shit and we were like, man,

just ecstasy is the best year we've ever done in our lives. And every now that I look at him, I go, maybe me and Leah do a hit tonight. No, no. What are we going to do it, Lee? I'm going to say it for you and me. Are you supposed to do it with a girl? Why would you do with another guy?

I can't talk to Paula into it because she's going to drug test. What the fuck are you talking about drug test? What? You tell her shut up and drink this and you give her some wine. But you'll crap out. I can't give it to you. No, he's saying you'd do it with somebody. What would I want to do?

My wife is pregnant. My wife is 44. My wife ain't going to do ecstasy now. She's got a fucking kid. You're going to wake up in the morning. You're young. That's what who does this. drug, there's young people.

You go home, you tell Paul to drink this pill. What is it? I don't know. It'll make you do things stronger. You'll watch at close range. That's what he tells Mary fucking Stewart, whatever, Maastresano. She goes, what are these? He goes, it'll make anything you feel, feel stronger.

And the bitch pop to him. That's all. You give her a little chardonnay and then tell them to eat your fucking little monkey. That's it. But you got to tell them everything. You're fucking a Gentile. You got to talk and tell them all.

It's like it. I don't know, Joey got it from some people in Portland, Oregon. You've never done Ecstasy? No. That's something I would not really recommend to anybody except you. Well, Dare scared me, that drug program? Huh? They said, like...

Nancy Reagan? No, Dare. Yeah. I mean, oh, is that, I don't know. You're scared of Nancy Reagan. Say that out loud. But they're like, it goes into your brain, and, like, it never... You always fail a drug test after that.

I don't know if that's true or not. That's what they told me. That's what Officer Rocky told me. Tell Officer Rocky and Nancy Reagan to suck my dick. What kind of drug test are you going to be taking any time? I'm not. Where are you going? What drug test do you take?

I don't know. Maybe Jerry's going to become a born-again Christian. And then I'm going to be drug testing. That might happen. No, I can't know anymore. I already had two. I already had two. It came on.

What? I had the Green Hornet and I had some of the peanut bread all over. Come on, man. Just take a little of it. There's only a little bit left. You just don't waste it. Look at. It tastes delicious.

Delicious will make you feel okay. How are you going to ask? It's the church of what's happening now. Today, well, how are you going to act? That's peanut bread. Three milligrams. No, it's not. It's from the people that nailed their life.

We saw them last night. Yeah. I got people. But it's just weird that, I mean, you're doing the great, you're doing the Desquod show, is not the comedy store. This all started by us getting behind the mic and telling people how we feel about subjects. Real subjects. Nobody writes this.

It's not like we have a writer that sits off and tells us not to talk about. It's just us, you know, just bullshit. It's bound to happen, though. You had to have felt it when we were all hanging out, especially in the prime, when it was just, you know, when Tate used to hang out with us and stuff, that there was something about our group of people that we were just like, these people are all powerful. You know, these people are all fun to be with. Like, there's not many, I never had a group of friends growing up that I traveled with, you know, and I did things with constantly. I had a couple of friends in high school that I don't even talk to now anymore, you know.

It's weird that, and amazing, because I used to always have to record everything of you guys doing everything. So it's cool to finally see it like, it's worked, bam, you know. Everyone got to the point where it should have happened. because you guys were always the most interesting people that I knew. You know, you guys always were characters. You guys all have amazing stories, and it was fun hanging out. Before the podcast was, it was called Eating with Joe, and where we all just sat around and ate with Joe after a show or after a UFC

and sat there talking and the waitresses all wanted to go home, and they're just like, come on, can we go? You know, no one else is in the restaurant because we've closed that place down just from talking about space or something, you know, like the moon or... I was thinking of an interesting fact. That's a fact. My mother died when I was 16. I've known Joe for 17 years.

He's bought me more steaks than my mother did. I think I would agree with that. I've eaten more steaks with Joe Rogan than I ate with my mother. My mother ate steaks four times a fucking week. I've broken bread with Joe Rogan a million fucking times. It's amazing. The most delightful were the Folga the Child dinner's in Dallas. But the best one was when he got the shots, and they were $130 a piece.

Were you with us? We got four shots, and he didn't know. Because if Fog of the Chow, they offer you booze. The waitress offers you booze. But if that fucking cart comes around, there's a cart that comes around, don't fuck with that cart. They ain't nothing cheap on that cart, dog. They ain't nothing cheap on that cart, Vinny. $600 worth of alcohol?

Joe goes, you guys want to do a shot before the show? Well, like, sure, he's like, give me your best scots. And the lady's like, what's 30 years old? He's like, well, give me 10-year-old scots. They poured four shots, bam. After what the check came, Joe's like, guys, you know those shots were $140. A piece of shit.

Wow. We were like, God damn. And it tasted delicious. You can really tell the difference of a $140 fucking scotch. I would hope so. It was rough going. in your mouth. It's very, very rough.

But that fucking, like, nothing down your throat. Like, fucking sperm with no sperm. You know what I'm saying? Like sperm with no sperm. You have a lot of experience with sperm with your throat? You're fine. I don't know. I'm talking about... Look at Lee.

You fucking Jamok. I put one of his head that he sings up, your fucking asshole cock-sucking. What's going on, Lee? What are you going on this weekend? We're going to brand them all night. And then what do you got Friday and Saturday? Where are you taking Paul? I might come down to Bray or a might be a palma.

I want to know what fucking adventure you got talked to. We don't have any plans. You're bought on Groupon, had a deal. We don't have many plans to begin. What's going on this week? Nothing, no plans. What Mamook plan did you get talked into this fucking week? No, no, there's no plans.

She wants to move up here, so we're going to go look at some places, I think. Why do you have to go? She wants to go. What are you, the butler? You ain't moving in there. Have her mom look around. The mom's in Inglewood. I have to drive Paul around the...

She doesn't know the Valley. And you do? When you become a tour guide to the fucking valley? I don't know. Last year. Jesus Christ, Lee. Does it ever end with you? What?

You gotta be tour guide and help and translate to? Sure. You fucking Jim, Mom, deal. There's what you have deal with you. He should have the whole Mexican family at your house. You should be naked with the fucking... With the 60-old mom? Who gives the fuck?

Should we rubbing your toes and cutting your toenail? for you. They can live in the house with you. Everybody, they don't give a fuck. The mom don't care. She'll cook all day for you, rub your feet. Who's better than you? That'd be nice. I'm once with her. You'll call your mom and say, Mom, you're fired. It's over. Have you been to Susie's mom's house?

No. No, oh, my God. Why not? I mean, nah, that's a whole different story. Why not? What? You're going to... She's a very nice girl. What? Oh, yeah. She's a very fucking nice girl. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. Her mom and her don't really go along. So it's a Long weird story.

So you went from fucking Wengeville to a nice girl like that. Yeah, I'm very lucky. You know, it's really interesting, too, because she's a publicist. And so I'm learning the creepy, weird side of Hollywood and, like, management and representing things and stuff like that. It's really weird when you see shit like this. Now, what is she a publicist for, bands, comics? She's worked with, you know, companies that work, like, that's like, it's like,

like a whole thing like with like walking dead is how I met her like when she was representing friends my family or first my family which is a they sell these like survival kits that you keep in your house just in case if something shit happens it will like like keep you alive for like three days you know it's just water and food and lights and batteries and tents it's like this pack and they were working with the walking dead and my girlfriend was like hey you know i want to get you these packs you know you and joe could have them and i'm like okay And then she sent it to the wrong address by mistake. And then a couple weeks later, she's like, you got those, right?

And I'm like, no, I never got him. She's like, what the fuck? She tracked it. Went to the people's house. Go like, oh, my God, do you have a package that came here like a week ago? And they're like, oh, yeah, here it is. They didn't touch it. So she dropped off from my house.

And when she came to the door, I'm like, oh, yeah, you want to come in and smoke some weed? And so we just smoked weed. And then that's how we met. You know, love this. Yeah. But it's interesting. You know, it's opposite.

You know, I've never dated a girl that is so opposite. She's just very different than me. Very different. Very sweet. Very book. Very college. Very, uh... You know those girls you were dating they're overrated. It's a fucking painy-ass dating those fucking crazy women.

They'll let you kick them in the pussy and fuck them in the ass and light the assholes on fire. Yeah. But what comes with it is a fucking nightmare. And once you open up a certain floodgate, you just one morning you wake up and you're like, what did she tell them? me three fucking days ago.

I came from a very, you know, I talk a lot of shit. I bust Lee's balls about eating ass. Let's get something out of the White Lee. I didn't get my first blow job until I was probably 20 or 21, not because I couldn't get one, but because I thought women were disgusting if they suck your dick. I ate my first pussy when I was like 15. I liked it. I ate pussy, you know, Lucy Snowbush, and I ate a couple of pussies after that.

but if you went to suck my dick the first real blowjob I got was at a fucking massage parlor that Lou Donato ran in North Bergen, New Jersey and he made me, Danny, and Freddie Horton are the doormant and to pay us he would say

what chick wants to suck your dick and after three nights I'm like none of these fucking whores are going to suck my fucking dick and then one night he goes tell your friends to come up and I let some chicks suck my dick I was like fucking dying inside

I was like in those days I used to think my mother was watching me. Oh no. And I'm like, oh no. And I almost started crying. And then she goes, do me a favor. Don't come in my mouth. Come in my hair. I had never heard things like that. I nearly died. I nearly fucking died.

So I had never really been with crazy. I was just thinking about this on the drive. Don't come on my mouth. Come in my hair. Oh my God. I almost had an awe attack. And I came in the hair. I never talked to that woman again. Like, I never wanted to see it. She was disgusting to a guy like me. I was a Catholic prude, you know. And then I dated, uh, then I hooked up with a girl in

Colorado named Lori, who was married to this guy that was a Coke dealer and she became an African co-court. And I, you know, used to mess around with her. And she used to tell me that she liked certain things that my heart would stop. And then after a few days, it started getting creepy. I started, we would get coked up. And the middle of a coke up, right before I was going to eat her pussy, she'd start telling me about a neighbor who used to molester when she was nine. And you have no idea, guys. I love hearing crazy shit. That's some shit I just cannot handle. And I stopped dating crazy women. Anytime they were going to that realm of craziness, I would just

stop dating them. And then I went to Michigan, and I started talking to this girl. And one thing led to another, she said, you know, let's go back. and smoke some pot. I took it back to my room. It was like stealing. And there was two beds in the room. I was very embarrassed. And then she opened up about the boyfriend.

I mean, this girl was 20, and she was beautiful. And she started telling me about this guy she was dating. That was 44. And he paid her rent. And he lit her pussy on fire. And he did these terrible things to a red man. I couldn't fucking believe this shit. Like, not terrible things,

but for me at that age, I never heard shit like this. And ended up she was a stripper and, you know, she used to do crazy things. Like she used to tell me guys would pay her to a sucker chick's pussy, and they would eat her pussy from behind. I mean, and you had to live with this shit. They come and tell you. And for her, she was raised in a cult.

So the family has eight kids, and four of them belonged to the cult leader. And the other four belonged to the four. I mean, you know, I never heard shit like this before. But then again, when I was fucking eight, I saw my stepfather shoot a guy, 148 Street. You understand me? We all have different fucking Vietnam's. So all I know is from Dayton

that crazy stripper for four years that that was not my round. No. I don't even watch porno. Because that is just too deep for me. You don't watch porno? No. Those girls come with too much on their...

What do you watch to masturbate? My mind. I go deep and I tap into pussy. I fucked when I was a kid or somebody I want to fuck it. the ass or somebody who showed me the titty i don't fucking know i just never was really into porn because i know everything that fucking comes with it is is bad i don't know why because when i dated that girl everything that came with her bullshit i would come home from doing comedy and she'd be on a bed with a

dildo sticking her pussy watching porn and she'd be giggling about it i don't know what the fuck you're talking about here you had the crazy chick to like to get spank who fucking you know And then she had a web page When I clicked on There's a web page Her smacking white people And black people With a fucking paddle

Are you fucking crazy? She was a Dominatrix, yeah That is That is fine Would she tie you up and piss on you? No, no, no, no She just wanted me to come up With new things to do to people

So I would do it to her And then she would just project And that's fun That's gotta be fun For two or three months You know kicking them And throw them out windows and shit Because that's the first thing.

Moving cars just threw in on. I joined judo and throw bitches out. B bam, fuck it. Moving cars. Who gives a fuck? Sham wow, more like sham owl. Yeah,

no, no, no. It's, I don't know how you did it all those months. You had the one porn chick. Did you get jealous with the porn girls? No, that was a weird point in my life.

I was a phase. Yeah, I mean, I pretty much got out of a really intense relationship. and I just fell into it by mistake. I dated a girl that happened to be a girl, girl, girl porn star. And I, you know, after that, you start meeting all our friends. The next thing you know, you're fucking surrounded by hot, beautiful women.

And so it was like a weird circle to be in. You're the fucking crazy. Yeah, it drove me crazy. It's crazy. Now it's so much nicer to be back down to earth. And like, oh, this is real life. I remember real life before that crazy. Wizard of Oz part where everything was black and white.

It's just, no, no, dog, I'm telling you. When I was dating this girl, she'd bring her girlfriends home, you know, and the girlfriends were all strippers. But this wasn't like the strip club in Seattle. This was like the ones which chick gave hand jobs, and they had three kids, and they were supporting a midget in a fucking prison cell. I mean, it was just, it was mind-blocking. And they would tell their stories, and guys, I act like this.

worldly guy, you know, I used to be a thief and I went to prison. But guys, I used to sit there and want to cry inside. Because deep down inside, I'll tell Lee to go he'd ask, but you won't hear me talk about craziness. Like, I've never been to the Playboard Mansion. How many times am I been invited to the Playboy? I've done three comedy shows there. You've done comedy shows there. I don't want to be there. Those people drive me crazy. Those people drive me fucking crazy. I couldn't hang out there for 10 fucking minutes. You know, it's just

I like to just look at the birds and stuff. The animals. They're really cool there. It's like a little zoo. He's got some of the most endangered birds in the world are at his mansion. He has a really rare birds there that you can never. And you go there and you go there and it's like that bird looks like a Muppet. That's not a real bird.

It's because you've never seen that kind of weirdness before. I've walked through there and seen the birds in the fucking and you're sitting there and look at all the pools and you're like how many people fucked in these things? Yeah. There's got to be sperm floating. There's that skin, like that old milk, you know, on the top.

I've never been in there, guys. I run the fuck out of it. I'm scared. I get intimidated. Strip clubs in L.A.? What's the script club down the block in the Comedy Store? The skin factory. I've never been in that. It's the worst one. Is it really? They got glimmos in front of there

the other night and they got 10 dog guys I'm like, 17 years in Los Angeles, I've never even taken a fucking peak in that. You know, David Arquette just bought Crazy Girls, which is a little bit farther down the street. On FitFat. Yeah, which I like. No, no, LeBreia. Which I like a little bit better. How was the turnout?

It was packed. Oh, yeah, it was packed. I mean, but it was really, I mean, first time doing it there and you learn some things like, you know, you need a spotlight so you can see yourself. You're not supposed to be in the dark and hiding, you know. and turn off the flashing strobe lights in the comics eye. So the whole time you're on stage, you pretty much were having, like, seizures, you know. Like, ah, I can't look. And that the whole bar and stuff was really talkative because I think that's where all

that strippers were and they were probably angry. Like, hey, what the fuck? You know, I'm not making any money here. Why am I here? So they were just talking to, you know, whoever was at the bar. So it was really challenging to do. But I think, you know, you learn what to do and what not to do in the future. I think it was an amazing turnout.

so people obviously want to see, you know, Sam do more of those. So he bought it? David Arquette bought it. By himself? I don't know. But, like, from my, what I heard, they've always tried to do music and comedy at that place. I've never been in there either. Yeah, yeah, I used to go there.

I used to go there. My Coke dealer used to hang in there. I'd call him, he'd come out and put it right in my hand, and I get the fuck out of that. There's a gas station next to a mobile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Amazing. So, but he wants to make it a burlesque place, so that'll be interesting to see if he kind of changes it.

to like a Jumbo's clown room, which is a place I really enjoy. That's an Hollywood. Yeah, it's like a little burlesque place. You ever go there, jumpo? No, I've heard about it. Lee, you would love it. Huh?

Take mama. I don't want to see that. Yeah, the girls love it. What the fuck is wrong? Would you explain it? Girls love that shit, dude. If you do everything she wants to do, you're dead. Yeah.

You got to tell you got to be the captain Kirk of the other grass. But why would I want to go see a burlese show? They're not even getting naked. I can have sex at home. You're not paying. Yeah, it's just fun. It's like going to do a play, but sexy. You have to start laying your roots now.

You have to do this if you're going to marry this broad. Well, she don't like it. Who gives a fuck? None of them like Charles Bronson movies either, but they sit through it. You know why? Because you've got the fucking cock in this motherfucker. You're the set of nuts in this motherfucker. That's why.

You're the Captain Kirk in this motherfucker. Who's Jew radio? Huh? Look at me. I'll do with you something. Start off with some Chardonnay and Moulon Rouge. on Thursday and then Friday take her. What are you talking on drug 10?

What she don't like? What? You take in a Jumbos club room? You take it to a strip club where they're eating bananas and each other's pussies and look in her eyes and say, this is what I really want a motherfucker do. I want to find the woman who puts bananas in her pussy. So before we get married, get to it and shit.

Well, let's got Terry on the phone and see if you guys, remember, you want to Jumbos Clown House. I don't like bananas in your pussy, but I'm taking the crazy places. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I love Jumbos. There's a couple places that are in Los... A big bro-ass guy. No, I'm not either, but there's a couple bars in Hollywood that I really recommend.

That being one. I also recommend that place down the street, the music place. That's kind of like the rock version of the comedy store. What's that music place? Which one? The famous music bar that's down the street from the comedy store. The Roxy. No, the one right next door to it.

The Rainbow Room. The Rainbow Room. That's another place that... I don't know if you've ever spent much... time there. I went there twice. I just didn't get it, guys. I went in there all coked up.

I just didn't get it. You know, guys, when it comes to bars and discos, that's where you lose Uncle Joey. Sorry. That's where you lose me. Once you say, hey, I want to invite you to this hot bar. You just lost me. I did comedy there. Oh, God, almighty.

That is, and it's very historical. If you like music, it's great to walk into the rainbow. But then you see some pathetic fucking people in there. Like, sad. Like, people who tell you, I was the first singer in Motley Crew. They fired me after the second. You know, just shit like that. That you're like, you wouldn't tell that to somebody.

But that's their heyday. That's their thing. So I didn't like coaching horses. I went in there one night so sizzled on Coke that Mike, I could hear my eyeballs were buzzing. Like they were begging for forgiveness. It was terrible, you know? I didn't like, until this day, I really can't walk into a bar.

Now you really can't. Now I have no interest at all. Once they say we're having a premiere or we're having a party, where at a bar, you just lost me. You just lost me. Unless they're giving out lobster tails or something I really, really, really enjoy, like free fucking blow jobs or something.

Have you heard of this place called the Comedy Living Room where it's gotten kind of big... In Toronto. No, it's hearing Los Angeles. Where? where I don't know. My friend just did it last night. But it's like in somebody's house

where they just created a little comedy club and it's always packed. And it's just people, you know, just hang out, bring their own beer if they want beer. I did something like that in Marin. And Mark Marin's show. They have a place that's,

and they said that he's done it for years. I don't know if it's my comedy living room, but it's... No, no, no, yeah. I remember that scene from the TV show. Yeah, TV show. Okay, yeah. What's up, dog?

Everything I write here? I'm pretty... I'm pretty stunned. True you're stoned. What do you think you're fucking with? What do you think these are these fucking... Yeah. Susquehanna, Adam?

I don't fuck around. Let's give some love to Cory Mo. John Wolf. I love you, cocksucker. Stoic Network. You motherfucker fucking spread in love. Mr. Martin. Fuckeroo Magoo, ESP... No. Fuckeroo Magoo, Magoo, Esquire.

I like your mouse. He's a lawyer? Brett Martin. Samantha Rogers, you sexy motherfucker. I put the church thing on your car and fucking spread the love. I want to give a shout out to my people down in San Diego, Alphametic Inc. For fucking delivering them,

give them a call to deliver the fucking goods. They gave me some of that fucking PR. It blew my wig right off. I don't even know what we smoked today. I think we smoked some of that. That was some good fucking weed. Yeah, totally. Not very interesting.

You were a young, young kid when I first fucking met you. Like at least 32. Young, scared, very quick. quiet, you know, been putting bad positions, arguing with Paulie Shaw, arguing with a lady in Tempe, Arizona. You know, it was fucking mind-boggling for a few weeks, man. It was just a... I forgot about that woman in Tempey, man.

Tempe, who touched the camera. It was non-stop for a while. We did this every week with Joe, and I got to tell you some, I learned a lot from it, and there was things I liked, and there was things I didn't like. Like, one thing until this day, I don't like, I can't travel a lot. of people yeah me crazy it's too many too many people to babies we had too many people you know you got to get a fucking man i'm a grown adult now i would just have ubered everywhere you know like i'd be like yeah let's just all uber right we all have uber yeah some fun fucking cities like

we had some fun times we when we went to austin we go to papa doze right across from the hotel and we'd sit in the back and get a table for six and we'd sit there for three fucking hours three hours and talk and eat and order and order again and get the banana fucking pudding and get the with the vanilla wafers in it it was just you know we went to every

rep were you with us in Connecticut until this day that's the best steak I've ever eaten the Michael Jordan Steakhouse in Connecticut at that place that resort where they did the boxing the fights last week. Mohican son there was a Michael Jordan steak or Foxwood's son I think it was

Mohican son and we ate they gave us a seafood tower. We went, we've eaten everywhere, Minneapolis. Wasn't that when we also did that one sushi place, like somewhere in Weird, where it was like a sushi place and they had a stage where it looked like an old towny thing? Remember? It was like in Boston.

Boston. Yeah, was that was where we invented, don't smoke in the car. Don't smoke in the car. Don't smoke in the car. You got us in the car for an hour. Chickapie. Yeah. So we drove from Boston.

Like a picard, yeah. All the way out there. First we did like a Thursday out on the boat, and then we went to Chickapie, and we got sick on something. The Boston Market was fucking horrible. That's right. Fucking horrendous.

I love Boston Market in Boston. Fucking terrible. Everywhere else is delicious. You go to Boston Market in fucking Boston. Who goes to Boston Market? We did, like assholes at a gas station. We were fucking starving, dog. The Chinese food was delicious at Chickapie.

I think people are there. Like, Mange, Brani was there last week. Gabriel plays there because of the food. The chick's Japanese. You got a cake caught, like a beach town, and you get Chinese food? I think it's chicken. You've got to get fucking oysters.

Fuckstick. It's a fucking place where you do comedy. It's Chinese, you fuck. It's not that you go to a Chinese restaurant. You go in the green room and there's 20 dishes. Shrimp and lobster sauce, pork fried rice, spare ribs, egg rolls, chal mane. You fucking eat it.

That's what they put in a... You know what I'm saying? not it's you do wilber theater Friday or Saturday and then you go to Chickapy on Friday I think it's fucking Chickapy is it not I want to say it is yeah it's a Chinese restaurant in fucking Boston or something like that tremendous you have to

walk you feel I don't even know what you you feel like you're in like an old town what's the movie with that Joe Pookelao Who K Lao? Where is it? It's in Chickaping. They do comedy there? Yeah. That's the place I have our set somewhere on

recorded on video. I'm fucking believe. Who came loud? That's hysterical. I can do it. He offers, he makes me office all the time. Oh, wait, never mind. Chiquete's in the middle of state, sorry. I thought I was thinking it was somewhere else. Yeah, you're talking Cape Cod. What the hell is on that?

This guy. I'm really high. It's time to eat another edible. Yeah, no. You need it straightened out. Oh, mashed people. So now you're starrical that you're one of the people who were very vocal in me going back to the comedy store. And I told the story the other night and why

I went back. And it all happened on the Sunday night when I drank some colonoscopy juice. And I was, I was fasting. And I fucking was watching a movie. And I just said, you know what? I should go back to the store. And I got to tell you something, man, it's a very enjoyable experience. And I'm doing the show with you are.

Yeah, October 1st, the Secret Show, Desquod's Secret Show, tickets on sale at Comedy Store. It's just really weird that this is where it all came from. And I've worked really hard. I've done movies. Nothing like the success of going on Joe's podcast. and started my own podcast and go on your podcast. And it's just been this thing that, you know, you go on these podcasts list now. It's amazing.

Like if you don't have a podcast now, people are suspect. Yeah. Even if it sucks, people are suspect. Like, why don't you have a fucking podcast guy? Now, do you, when people ask you, I'm sure you get this a lot, like I want to start a podcast. What would you, like, suggest? Do you give them any suggestions? Because it's, to me, it's really, I, I just don't know.

any more if it's too late for people to start without a good catch now. It's almost turning in regular TV. We're like, what's the catch, huh? Nah, it's never going to work, son. It's almost turning into networks, but not, it's group-wise.

Like, what people want to listen. Like, do people want to tune in and find Bob in his roommate in Philadelphia, sitting there in their, you know, trailer? Well, you've, I mean, you've started a bunch of shows in the past year. I started, I started a bunch of shows and some aren't here but it's amazing what makes a podcast

work and what makes it when it doesn't work it really because we I've been very lucky and and you were on Rogan and it's there's not like there there's not that many podcasts that could get that kind of numbers because the hosts don't work at it or or people just aren't connecting with it and it's amazing it's just amazing that it what it takes to actually make it work for as long as we have. I mean, Rogan's on what, five something? Yeah. Rogan, I mean, yeah, 550 or something like...

Yeah, we just went over 200. Can you... I mean, that's tens of thousands of hours. I know from talking to a lot of people, you know, who used to have podcasts, to do podcast about it, like, a lot of people are like, you know, I just run out of things to talk about. It's kind of

gets to a point where, like, if this was, if I was writing a book, it's like, okay, I need to just eat some mushroom for a couple years and then start this second book up. Well, there's two trains of thought here. Number one.

Number one train of thought. You ever go see a comic? He paid $30 and he does a great show and he hits you with great material. Then you go back again and you take your friends from work. You pay another $30 and he does the same fucking material. He's funny.

Your friends have a good time. You felt beat. There's two trains of thought. There's one person that says that was a great show and there's a guy like me who goes so you're telling me nothing interesting happened in a year.

that's what you're telling me in your life nothing interesting has happened in a fucking year because things interesting things happen in our lives every fucking day now the other train of thought

somebody comes and says I want to start a podcast it's like the guy that comes up to you and says you want to start comedy you're looking at this guy there's some people this guy here is a real fan of comedy the way I was a fan of music

that I know guitar players and where they were born and who trained them he's a fan of comedy He's a fan of me comedy. That's what he does. You know what I'm saying? What do you want for me?

It's like a guy that comes here and says, Can I talk to you, Red Band? I want to be a comedian. You know the type of guy that's just trying to bullshit. There's people that just want to bullshit. They want you to do the work for them. Then there's people that want to be a comedian because they either want to be a writer.

They want to be an actor. They want to be a star. Define fucking star. So when I'm writing my goals out, I want to be a fucking star. What's a star? You want people to know you. You want people to ask you for your autograph.

You want people to run at you the way they ran into Beatles and 60 fucking four. I mean, what is it that you want? So that's the same question with a podcast. If I come to you and go redband, I haven't paid rent in four weeks, you didn't ask you start a podcast and get a bunch of sponsors? You're going to tell them? No, it's not that fucking easy. They're not going to come flocking at you.

You know, so that's what you're doing it for. Is there something you want to say? Yeah. That's the reason I do it with this fucking Googlewoods. I mean, there's a lot that I think. At first, I didn't think so. At first, I thought this was a show, and we were doing it to popularize myself and maybe sell tickets to the comedy show. Not anymore.

Because people are getting something out of this. When they listen to it at work, they're learning a lesson from me. They're learning a lesson from him. They giggled. They're getting something out of this, you know? We talked about addiction tonight. You're saying how happy I was. People are going to say, we didn't know this, Joey.

We thought you were always the bowl of happiness that you always have been. No, I had problems just like you. From 2005 to 2007, there was frustration. There was being sick and tired of being sick and tired. You don't know what it's like to wake up every morning. The first thing in your mind is where am I going to get blow from today? Not who am I going to call them telling them I love them? What am I going to do with my wife for lunch?

And I'm going to pet the cat. What joke am I going to write? No. You're waking up thinking about when you open your eyes and you look into the world, you're thinking about where am I going to get blow from? That's a horrible way to fucking wake up. So it's what you want to do, whether it's comedy or a fucking pot. You know who comes to you because they see the success you have.

Dog, I want to be on the Rogan podcast. Just like that. Just like that, you're going to be a star. You're not going to tweet. You're not going to write blogs. You're not going to write jokes. You're just going to go on the Rogan podcast. And how many people come up to you and say that?

that to you. You know many people email me and say, hey man, how can I get a hold of the fucking Joe? And I go, hit Red Band up. You, motherfucker. I get it every single day. Yeah, because they don't understand Joe has a process. You could go to Joe 80 times and tell them how much you like

somebody. Joe, look at you and go, okay, they don't think it's a plot. Maybe somebody's paying Red Band to mention Joe Diaz to me. I'm not going to put Joe Diaz on out of fucking spite. He's not going to put you on a spite now because he thinks, so you can't nothing. Wow. You think he fixed that?

Bro, any time you come up with somebody, what does he say? Anytime you say to him, I think you should have this guy on your podcast. What does he say to you? If he doesn't handpick him, he doesn't want somebody else handpicking him. That's the way some people are. They don't handpick them. They don't want somebody

handpick. I used to, like, do most of the booking for a while. And then he started, you know, hiring people to book it. You know, and then I would do half of it. And then now it's Mark once in a while, I'll just throw it like, hey, this person's cool. This person's cool. Like if I'm hanging out with people at the time, I'm like, oh yeah, dude,

you should, he'd be perfect for that. You know, like, I was talking to him the other day about Dean Del Rey, because Dean Del Rey has so many stories about hanging out with like, you know, Axel Rose, and he used to be in a band for 25 years in San Francisco. And, you know, it's, I just think

that it would be interesting. I love hearing comedian's stories. Like what, because they're always different and unique for different comics. you know, at least the odds are it is. You know, that's what, I don't know, I really enjoy it. I enjoy it too.

It's when you watch a fighter that you like. And all of a sudden you find out he's a miserable fuck when they do 24-7 or when you watch Floyd Mayweather. I've always thought that when Lee and I started doing the fucking Mad Flavors world, did we talk about stand-up comedy? Not at all. We never said taping stand-up. They already know you're a stand-up.

They already know you're a fucking stand-up. They want to see how you treat your cat. you treat your wife, what type of car you drive, how you act when you drive. You know, they want to see, they want to see. And I, I have nothing to fucking hide. You have nothing to hide, Lee. You know, we

have a regular fucking guys. I don't have a butler. I love your shirt, Joey. I love the fucking shirt joke. It's, I'm just like thinking, like, can I wear that to Starbucks? I think I can. I think I put this on by mistake. You got an upgrade to the first class.

Oh, really? I'm going to sit in the first class with a blanket Let me give some fucking shout-outs to my sponsors. First and foremost, human optimization. On it, the best. You understand me? They're not minerals. They're not fucking around over there.

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You're right. Enough is enough. Why are you confusing me for? Enough is enough. Another thing. You want to get pussy. You want to sling dick. But your underwear look like, you know, you shot a musket in there.

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You're done. We ain't going to give you a stabbing. They ain't no flowers on Valentine's Day. Fuck all that shit. Why are you walking around with those sour underwear for? You know how bad you feel when you walk around with bad underwear? Sour? Whatever the fuck are. It's unbelievable how putting on underwear

makes you feel different. You fucking walk around with more bounce. I got me on these out right now. They're tremendous. They hug my balls. My asshole's not sweating. My legs are tight. You understand me? with me and Dez? Have you put your me on these on? How do you think they feel? They're really comfortable. You didn't put the undies on. I put the shorts on.

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And we ain't stopping right there, right? You see me and my main man Red Band tonight smoking cigars. These are the best fucking cigars on the market. Hit eSigs.com. You know why? Tell them why, Lee. Because they last longer. Like 1,200, 2-second puffs. That's a while.

That's a long fucking time. You go through other ones in like two seconds. Two fucking days. Every time I have this one and I have the cigarette. I've had these for a week. They're fucking unbelievable. You get 20% off when you order from them. So if it's 20, you get it for 16.

You don't how many fucking are those shitty pens. You get at 7-11. You go to those in two days. They're 10 bucks for one. 16. These are last shit for fucking three weeks. How do I know? Because I'm smoking it, you fucking momos. Do me a favor.

Go to Hitties6.com right now. Go to my webpage. And if you go to the banner, they're giving away two free tickets for my weekend that got for them. weekend. That's what I'm talking about. Edwagab and the boys, they don't fuck around over that, here these six. When they go for broke, they go for broke. They're giving away tickets. They're going to be there. They're going to be giving away free. Here, these six.

Oh, cool. Yeah, they don't fuck around. This is a real company with real people, and they back, and they believe what the fuck they're putting out there. So cut this shit. Go to hit these six. Do you want to quit smoking? This is how to do it. They got different numbers for the nicotine. You can start with 24 and go all the way down to zero. Plus, they got the fucking old of this cigar. Do me a favor. Go to Hilly Sigs right now or go to joey deers.net. Get a t-shirt, get a mug, and click on and win two free tickets for Gotham League. I wish you were going.

Wait, wait. The code is Joey's church. I wish I was going too. I'm trying to work it out, but they didn't want you there right now. If you got a warrant. Too many Jews in New York. That's the last time you were there. You caused problems.

You know, were you there before? No. I've been to Gotham before. What? I went, freaking when I was like six. Man, I don't know what, like high school age with my mom. We were just going, I think, looking at colleges. Colleges.

And me or her and my younger brother, one, he must have been like 14. It was really weird. That's a very nice. That's a very nice story. You should help at Disney. Anyway, you vapor-pens smokers. Let me tell you some. These guys always show up to all the events that were there.

Yesterday for Ari's taping. I love David. I love Peter. They're the real deal. They showed up with Los Goumys, Hermanos. Fucking tremendous. The best. The reason why you're floating on the head is because there's 250 milligrams.

this motherfucker of the real dear holy feel. This is the shit that they fucking give the Ebola patients before they give them the shot of death. All right, so before they give you an Ebola, they give you a fucking those goomys and marmos. They ain't fucking around. Go to Nail that Life.com

for all your vapor pen needs. I may sound a little stone feel, a little stoic right now. I'm fucked up because of those goomyseranos and other things I put in my body. You understand me? How are you feeling over there? I'm good. Lee, Lincoln. Well, the club for them is Joey Diaz.

But you called me at, like, noon, and you're like, do you know how high I am? So you've been going all day. I was fucked up, dog. I went to the park this morning with the baby. I took the car. I took it to the other end of North Hollywood Park, the hot side, where the sun has not been away in years. Bro, you can walk with an ice cube, and there's a part where it just melts. It's so hot in this corner, the sun even shines at night there. And I started all the way over there. I walked from the house. I abandon my leg really fucking good,

and I walked over there at the cart. The reason when I go to the other side of North Hollywood Park is because it's an exercise park, and she is fucking crazy about the exercise of her park. She fucking goes bananas. They have like swings and places where you do pull-ups, and the sit-ups, and she climbs and runs to the top. People get pissed off, and I don't blame them.

It's a little girl, and they're trying to exercise. So I took her a little later. I took her after nine, and I took it to the other end, and me being an asshole, You know, I don't think that she's going to even think about that thing. It was far the fuck away. She started looking at squirrels.

All of a sudden she goes, hey, this is North Hollywood Park. That's the fucking. And she just took off on me. I had to run after her with the car. I knew where she was going. She fucking boogieed with her little bottle in her hand. She bugied all the way that fucking thing. She played by all these red ants.

And I go, this is how I'll get out of here. These red ants are going to get it. And we kept playing, playing. And finally, by one of the things, she was playing, and I heard her go, ow! Ah! And they got her leg, and she started crying, and I picked her up, and you can see him going to her sneakers.

I had to take him out of there. And she's like, get me the fuck out of here, those little motherfuckers. So I walked her into the middle of the park, and I put it down. And by that time, guys, it was like a hundred in that park. At 11 o'clock this morning, it was 100 in that motherfucker. I can see the sweat beads going down her neck. The back of her shirt was drenched. the front of it. I put her in her little police car and took her back home.

When we got home, Wally Kazam was on. She's like, Dad, it was fucked up out there. You know what I'm saying? You have a little police car that you push her in? Yeah, I bought her a little pink police car, and I put the thing in the front. I got her that, a scooter with a helmet. She doesn't comprehend the scooter yet. She sits on it, and she pulls her with her legs. I'm like, stand on it, and I fucking pull you, cock sucker. But she won't go for that. She got a little motorcycle. Eddie Bravo gave her, like a little motorcycle for Christmas, and she, she'll be a little motorcycle for Christmas, She sits on it, she's got a horsey. The horsey, she just sits there and goes, yeah.

And she really does yell. It's fucking amazing. But taking it to the park is a lot of fun. You know, I got the bum knee, so I can't be chasing down the fucking streets. When are you going to have a kid with this Mexican brook? I can't wait because I think having a kid's going to be fun because I just, you know, I like cartoons. I like toys. I like, I still like all that shit.

I think it's fun. Like I look at Bobby Lee. Like I watch his Instagram. and he's just like, oh, I got this new bubble machine and this electric dog that barks just to play with the cats with. And I'm just like, that's so fun. I want to go to Toys Ress and get bubbles

and, you know, a robot cat thing to fuck with my cat. Do you buy shit, like, to fuck with your cat? Like, robots and toys. Do you have the lasers? No, I throw, like, I got a bazooka. It's a bazooka. No. No. I have a fucking bazookas.

You're a cat bazzerga? I have a flashlight. I have one of the first of the little. Those pink lights. That's all you need. You turn the lights off and you take that light out and they go fucking nuts. Still? Those love that shit.

Yeah. Fidel, he's about three days away. I'm about to kill him. Why? He won't stop fucking me out. Mine too, though. I think there's something with the heat maybe. Oh, I love him.

No, it's been going on for a month. He meows all the time. All the time. Stares deep in your eyes. And he me on his long, fucking distance. Mine too. Like, you're coming out of the bathroom to pee at three in the morning. He's in the other room.

And you hear me, you're like, what the fuck, Fidel? Joey, what if they're telling us? And his mind does that also. He does it constantly. He's getting old. Fidel is getting fucking old. That's what it is. And ever since Finney died, that was his Gumba.

And Finney's been gone for like a year and a half, two years, and he's been a little fucked up, you know. But I love Fidel, and I pick him up at night and give him a little bary. He meows, con. Harry, never said a fucking word. We moved to the fucking valley. He becomes Sammy the Bogovano.

He won't shut the fuck up. You know, uh, uh, Dimmie's pretty bad, too? Yeah, he won't shut the fuck up. Dimmie will come up to you and start meiao until you pet him. And then once you pet him, he fucking meows. Gray sleeps with me. And that bitch meows every time you move.

If you move with the blanket, she meows. And my wife grows her to fuck out. My wife ain't got no patience. Me, I just hug her. And when I hug her, she gets pissed and she takes off. So you got to figure out how to get rid of them without hurting their feelings. I don't push them away. I just do what I know they don't like.

Like with Fidel, you got to like fucking blow on them. You ever do that in a Chinese restaurant? Blowing a cat? No. Anyway, this next time you go to a Chinese restaurant. You get to your fingers. You put two fingers on top of two fingers and you blow. One sign.

You're blown between them of the Chinese guys. See what happens. No way. Really? That means like your mother sucks. Oh, don't know what you tell me to do that? Yeah, just do it. See what happened.

Oh, you're beat up by a bunch of Chinese guys. You're not going to get beat up. You can't. You can't. You've got sneakers. You get those little... Are you being serious? Now I need to find out if that's real.

I'm like, I want to call you to do my other. You got two fingers on top of two fingers? Your town sign them. When you blow like that between the fingers, Chinese people lose their fucking minds. That's Chung Kennedy. He knows. Chung Kennedy should be on Twitter right now doing fucking his job. Chung Kennedy is the backbone of your organization.

Lee, what am I going to do with you? One more edible, baby. My own. Did you finish that peanut brittle? Finish that peanut britt. No. You're not even high enough. I'm way too high.

Lee, you're not even fucking high enough. It's early still. What are you going to do today? What? What are you going to do? Red Band, what are you doing tonight, my brother? I think I'm going to go check out comedy juice. I have to book a show.

I have to book Fridays, Thunder Pussy. Which comedy juice tonight? Improv. And Thunder Pussy is Friday. Thunder Pussy's Friday. L.A. Podfest next week. which is going to be interesting. Yeah.

And then I'm actually going to the Midwest with Tiffany Haddish and Dean Del Rey, going to Grand Rapids, Michigan, Columbus, Ohio. What club in Grand Rapids? Dr. Grins. That's a good one. Yeah. Who's booking? Is that yours?

Me. Who got you that? I just fucking email and tweeting and stuff like that. That's a good room. That's a great fucking room. Oh, cool. I'm very excited. I did great in that room.

That's a great room. Get the salmon. Yeah. Get the salmon. Get the salmon. Yeah, good salmon. Yeah, good food. Oh, awesome.

Get the salmon. Good salmon. Good groom, good people. It's got Grand Rapids, Michigan, has the most churches. Oh, really? For capital. Oh, great. So when they thought like, oh, my God, this guy's crazy.

Fuck, no. They take the ride. Oh, that's awesome. That's a bad motherfucking town with some good motherfucking reefer. So don't fuck around Grand Rapids. Go out there and see my main man, Red Band, and Dean Delray. And Tiffany Addish, I worked with her again. She's so hot.

She's so great, right? Oh, my God. Just thinking. about that little black monkey. And then going to... Columbus Funnybone. And then... Hold on.

We're talking about Tiffany Hatties. Oh, he's like monkey. Sniffing that motherfucker. I could sniff it right through the jeans. Last time Lee saw, she was fucking talking dirty to Lee. Lee's face got red at the laugh actually in Long Beach. Oh, yeah. Talk, I tell you, I'm going to start on Dead Squad night in Long Beach.

Yeah, that's going to be... October 8. You're coming down with me. Lee's going to do the podcast. You're going to be the DJ Lee. Lee's going to be a combination of DJ. Podcast. producer that night. What do you think of that?

Oh my goodness. He's got an extra title but less money. Ha! More and more. It's like America now. You're getting fucking more jobs with less money. Guess what we gave you a title? But you can't pay you for it. You're like, what the fuck? But when you go work for podcast one, you can tell him how many titles you had over here? What?

What? What? Lee, have you seen Tiffany Haddish with her leather pants on? Like where it's, I mean, it's it looks like she's a puma. I've seen the videos you put up of her queefing. Yeah, that's great. She's amazing. She really is a beautiful girl, man. I've known her since she was a young girl before she was married.

Wow. When she was telling me and Ralphie Mae in front of the laugh factory that she took a guy home and then realized she didn't want to fuck him. So like what did you do? And she goes, I went in the bathroom and took a huge shit and put the door open so he could smell it. And the guy

smelled things like, is that you? God damn, baby. And he's like, man, she came out like, Yeah, I've had diarrhea all day, but that's the beginning of it. That's disgusting. She's great, man. And being on the road with her is amazing because she's just insane. Like, she just goes up to people and starts talking to them and just is her in front of strangers.

It's hilarious. She's really great. And so is Dean. And then we're going to Funny Bone, Columbus, Ohio. One of those dates. October 16th in Columbus, October 15th at Grand Rapids, Dr. Grants. and October 17th, I believe, is, we're going to be at Morty's

in Indianapolis. That's a good one. That's Ms. Pat's fucking neighborhood. Yeah, Ms. Pat hooked it up for me on that. Miss Pat's, motherfucker. What? Two times, motherfucker. And you're in Braia this weekend?

I'm in Braia this weekend. I'm at the Gotham Comedy Motherfucking Club next weekend. Shut the fucking window tour begins again. And then October 8th at the Long Beach Laugh Factory. Get your tickets tonight, motherfucker. A lot of interesting things going on.

What's up with you? Look at you. You're looking at hats tonight, see? I'm very high. You're going to finish that thing now? No, why not? Not even close. One for your country.

I've had two for my country. So what? What do you got to do tomorrow? What? Nothing. You have nothing. You're going to get up at 11, eat breakfast. That's an hour and a half.

Hour and a half. Look at yourself in the mirror. That's another hour. Then you go to the gym. Do 45 minutes drive back home. That's another hour. Then you go home and rub your feet. Yeah.

Then you'll pick me up, and then we'll drive the fucking break. Okay. All right, because if not, we won't get the HOV lane. I mean, I'll do it whether you're there with me or not. But we've got to get there and do some shit tomorrow. All right, we'll have to straighten some people out. You've got to fucking deliver the goods. Break some fingers.

Break some fingers. All right, you're ready for the drive tomorrow? Sure. How fast you think we're going to go? You're always driving like 90. We'll achieve. We're going to smoke tomorrow. More?

How many fucking edibles we're going to eat? We ain't fucking around, no. only the church we're gonna set our mark and enforce it all these other people saying they do this and they do that what do you think my brother red band i agree uh not much been doing a lot of designing clothing and shirts and hats and cups and mugs trying to pay the bills it's it's a lot of work man my my apartment actually looks like uh japan like like foxcon Like a Foxcon, but if it was in like a tent somewhere My living room's a fucking mess

And my animals just have created forts out of merchant merchandise and stuff And bags and boxes And trash It's horrible On that fucking note there On that depressing fucking note So buy some merch guys, make it worse, thanks

Yeah, buy some merch from my band He needs to get to get to everything he's got beautiful hats has got a new hat those are very nice hats those are very nice and you have the matching purple with purple and purple yeah did you get like all the colors like purple blue because it could be like i have a blue one also for your geese so yeah you could sell him his purple belt you got one you got to make a brown one then a black one yeah you get your dead squad fucking rash guard a la baseball shirt you see what I'm saying leave what else you come to brayer with me two nights what else then Saturday nights you and mom are you gonna tire up yeah sure

I got the jumbos, got her all hot. You got to take it to places and turn around and shit. No, we do. What do you mean we do? What do you take that? I don't know, crazy places. The hotels and Irvine? No, I'm talking about, like, tell her you going to dinner at Ardy Morton's.

Okay. And then drive us somewhere, like fucking crow, like a nude strip club. And walk in there with us. You know, why are we here? Because this is where we eat steak. You want to go. You don't have to even tell it. Just say, I'm taking you to eat steak.

That's very vague. what's the name of the place? I don't know. I got the address in the GPS. You walk in there. All strip clubs have a stake. And you're sitting in, you get her a lap dance. And watch her fucking get grinding on and she and watch her little glasses get fogged up.

Oh, baby. Oh, shit. And then she'll get you a lap dance. And she'll get turned down. She would not get me a lap dance. Well, then you have to pay it for yourself and let her watch it. Oh, God. I don't want to break up with this girl.

You don't have to break up, but you're having fun. This is what you do. You want a hard on, right? And then you make two girls come up there and put her tities in her face and shit. And take it to the next level, and then you leave. And then right in the car, dog, you take that little Jew dick out. You take a little skirt off and it's all over with the shouting. And she'll say, not here.

Fuck it right in here. It's true. This is it. These are the young guy. This is what young guys do. You prepare and you have a condom ready. Fuck, no. You ripped that fucking skirt off.

You take that little dick up. You pop that motherfucker and you do it right in the car, like an Ali that you are. Do you see that there's going to be a male birth control you can get in a couple years? Who gives a fuck? I'm talking to your... I do. They have to shoot it into your nuttack.

Listen, Lee. You're worse than this fucking guy. You understand me? I'm trying to tell you how to a Mexican bird. And you're telling me about a male fucking hot how to not have kids. Are you fucking retarded? Just tell me that, all right?

This show is officially over. I'll be in Braille this weekend. I love you cucked suckers with all my heart. Thank you very much to honor. Thank you very much for Nature's Box. Thank you to me undies, hittiess.com, and nailed it to life. I love you guys.

Thank you to my main man, Red Band. Love you, for always putting Death Squad, putting us on the map, and getting this whole movement started. And to my main man, the flying Jew, Lysayette, for fucking making my dreams come true. Fucking God. I got to shit into your nutsax.

But I do. It's weird. It's why I want you eating that shit, because you're losing it. You wouldn't get it? Yeah, I'm going to get it. Well, not now, but would you have gotten it? Listen, I'm 51. I got one foot in the grave one of banana beer.

You think I give a Frenchman's fuck about nothing pregnant, bitch? Right now. Not now, but when you were at my age, wouldn't you have? Fuck, no. That's the whole fucking gamble. Just giving out yum yum yum juice. Yeah. I just never had good yum yum juice.

Yum yum juice. Like sperm. If I would have young yum juice to give out, I would impregnated 18 women. Yeah, you just got to trick him to think that. But I wasn't healthy. You know, my cocaine blood levels were high. Yeah. You just got to tell him like, look, it's going to be a retarded baby if you want to have it, you know. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus Christ. Now that the show is officially 100% over.

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I don't know Oh no