The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #216 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Monday, November 28th…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by Heart & Soil, Manscaped & Better Help…   MANSCAPED Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code JOEY for 20% off + free shipping on your first order.   HEART & SOIL Go to https://heartandsoil.co/?utm_source=Podcast&utm_medium=linkinbio&utm_campaign=Diaz & use code JOEY10 for 10% off your first order.    BETTER HELP Support the show and get 10% off your first month of online therapy at https://BetterHelp.com/DIAZ   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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to jingle for the holidays. Let's get this party started, Coxuckers. It's Mondays. I ain't got time to dilly-dally. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers?

It's Monday to 20. The 28th. We did it. Thanksgiving is fucking over. And now we got the longest hurdle of the motherfucking year. The six weeks of waiting. Not even six fucking weeks. We're at less than a fucking month for Christmas, guys. So I don't know what the fuck you're thinking. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. It's upon us, Jack. Was a great week last week. I had a great holiday. The fucking Sunday last week I tested positive for COVID. I was telling Mike, you know. I had fucking COVID. I had COVID in June. I had fucking a flu. I pulled my fucking thigh muscle. I mean, the hits didn't stop.

So when I started feeling weird last, I started feeling it like Friday night. Like something wasn't right. Like I had take little fucking, it was like having club soda and you're like, you're like, you know, like what the fuck? And then Saturday, who the fuck knows? then Sunday we did the podcast,

we were sitting around, and my wife touched me, and she goes, you're warm. And I go, nah, it's the hot blood. I don't fucking know. I didn't feel good anyway. And we took the test. I came up positive,

and the first thing I think about was, fuck, I got to cancel Parks Casino. And I'm like, that's the last thing I want to do right now, especially if you're not fucking dying. And listen, if you're dying from COVID, you're on your stomach,

You're on Facebook saying goodbye to your relatives. Remember that shit dying on Facebook? Remember that? Nobody fucking released their Facebook footage of Grandma kicking the fuck. They should have just done a documentary. I've been waiting for the documentary of the Facebook fucking debts. But now, if I was to that point, I understand. I've got to think about for years I've been taking around the people around me.

Whenever we talk about COVID, right? Because everybody tells you, you're going to get somebody's grandfather, sick or grandmother so you're like okay so you always try to be a good fucking American and you're like you know I'll stay home in my business but after 72 hours you can't spread

it no more if I started to feel it on fucking Friday or Saturday that means like my Monday Tuesday you're good you know I'm no fucking authority on this Fauci's dead and I don't have a leg on this Fauci's retired that's fucking crazy but all I know is that

I just held down I kept drinking juice We didn't do a second podcast. I didn't want to get Mike sick. I didn't want to do anything else. The only thing I had on my mind was that fucking set Thursday night at Park Casino. That was it. It was too late to go back.

If I had tested positive on Tuesday and felt shitty on Wednesday, yeah. Because then you got people in the green room with you. You got people who work at the casino. But I was like, fuck it. I'm just going to sit here to my ass grows roots. I watched a couple of, movies. I read half a fucking book.

I've been dying to read. And it was tip-top fucking Magoo, and I'm happy I did it because Parks Casino, let me tell you something. Parks Casino is definitely one of my favorite. I like the South Point. See, guys, I don't want to be jumping up and down. I don't need a pool with herpes in it

at the end, with a thousand people in your pool breeding on each other. I don't need any. I don't need to see DJ fire. I don't need to see any of that shit. And I've never Bad. All those hotels, when I go to Vegas with Joe Rogan for fucking the UBC and shit, we always got those off-color hotels. Nobody knows nothing. I want to smell debt. I want old people around me. I don't want to hear fucking Vegas stupidity. So I'm not into those hotels.

So when I think of a hotel like a casino, oh my God, the fucking South Point, 7.30 show, you're in your room by 9. We're at the fucking seafood bar eating fucking open turkey sandwich. with mashed potatoes and shrimp cocktails. I almost choked on the fucking shrimp at the South Point. If it wasn't for my brother, John Salami, we wouldn't be here right now. He inflicted the fucking Hemlic maneuver with a fucking real naked choke combination. The fucking shrimp went flying out of me. So I love South Point.

I love Harris and San Diego. Holy shit, that's a nice casino. But I got to tell you. something, man. I fucking love hanging out at Park Casino. That's my third time there. It's beautiful. It's easy. I met Lee at the hotel.

This motherfucker went all over Philadelphia and got food with an Uber. Pizzas and fucking cookies and canoles and lobster tails. I mean, the guy was on fucking fire. He ate a 200 milligram edible on stage. ABX has been a long

time. He was high until Friday. He ate it Wednesday night and he was high till Friday. He thought he was going to sleep the eight hours in the train back to Boston. He went cabots. He was wide awake. Let me tell you some.

Those ABX edibles with the fucking oxygen in them, they will take you for a fucking ride still. Every time you think you got it, like, I'm like, you know what? I think Thanksgiving I popped five of them because I had eaten four like a week ago. Holy

shit. I ate five of those ABX edibles on Thanksgiving. I didn't do much on Thanksgiving either. I had COVID. So everybody knew it. I couldn't go anywhere. You know, everybody brings their grandparents over, whatever. So my neighbors were like, listen,

everybody that's coming over here had COVID last month. I don't know why. Like six people over there. So I went over there at a Puma's house. It was a fucking great Thanksgiving. They made a smoked turkey and a regular turkey. Good googly-moogly. the smoke that's the first time I had it

I was dying to give me a couple slices so I could melt like some fucking Italian bread with some Gouda cheese and a nice turkey something different you know what I'm saying I didn't even make a turkey sandwich I just had turkey again today it was fucking delicious little white meat turkey with some stovtop stuffing

and shit aka prison days a little mashed potato some cranberry sauce you're off and running jack I don't know if cranberry sauce was expensive or not. I love that shit. I could eat that shit by the tub. But after the pool, I came over here. I took a tremendous turkey shit. And then I inhaled a thousand milligrams of ABXs.

I did two or three bong hits of fucking, I did a couple bongits of this new RS2 from laughing gas. And by the time the bong hit juice wore off, the edibles kicked in. And I got to tell you something, guys, it was the best. fucking Thanksgiving ever ever it was nice it was quiet the whole fucking two days was nice parks casino my set in parks casino was possibly the best set I've had since I got back into comedy I don't know what it was I started looking at my notebook like three weeks beforehand. Just every day making little adjustments.

There was a couple new things. There was a couple old things I revamped and I just put them together. Everybody had a great time. Eleanor came up. Jimmy came up. Lee came up. Lee did the 200 milligram edible. We got some food down there.

You know, something light. And I was home. It's a 42-minute drive to fucking Parks Casino from here. Holy shit. Everybody kept calling me going, you better leave for parks early. There's going to be massive traffic. Oh, my God.

Two million people will be driving to destinations this weekend. Well, I didn't see none of those motherfuckers because it took me an hour four to get down there. That is, I don't, I didn't even understand it. I went down to nine, I hooked the right on the 33. It took me to the Jersey turnpike. I swear to God. I was in the Jersey,

you turned by 20 minutes and like, all right, welcome to Philadelphia. I'm like, welcome to Philadelphia. All right. And next thing you know, I saw a sign for Parks Casino. I'm like,

come on. I called my, I looked at, yeah, I looked at the thing, the wave, and it said 20 minutes. You're going to be there

in 20 fucking minutes. Like 2.42. It was 220. I'm like, okay. Then I saw Park Casino sign. I'm like, that's fucking easy. I called my wife.

I go, I'm already here. She's like, are you fucking crazy? Guys, listen. And I read somewhere that I don't know if I read, oh, I was at the gym on the bike Friday. Or, yes, Saturday. Saturday I was at the gym at the bike,

and they showed a video of some fucking people getting stabbed in AC at fucking Hard Rock, I think. Fucking three people got stabbed Thanksgiving night. Three people, either Thanksgiving night or Wednesday night. So I'm like, you know what? We went to fucking parks. which is supposed to be Philadelphia

and it's supposed to be fucking you know murder incorporated people are going to be yelling at you they were as gentlemanly as they could fucking be they were a well fucking behaved audience everybody I saw in the hallways

was fucking great Joey what's up Uncle Joey happy Thanksgiving it was fucking no drama it was tremendous the food guys I can't tell you this shit leap brought into the green This motherfucker brought three pies, two tomato pies from Anna Ionesi's fucking great guy. He gave me his other sweatshirt.

He brought two pies, a ricotta pie, a tomato pie, which I don't like a fucking pie with no cheese on it, but you got to taste these fucking pies. And he had lobster tails back there. It was great to see Eleanor. The fucking, the whole bang up of the night was there was. interpreters there because there was a deaf dude in the audience. One deaf dude, three interpreters. Tremendous. So we get there

and I don't want to be a dick. They're like, you could either sit with the interpreters or you could sit in your own room. I go, no. Let's sit with the interpreters so they hear my patois. They, you know, they can hear what the fuck I got to say. I thought it. Think about when was the last time I did comedy with a fucking interpreter in the stage and I was like,

I don't know. That's going to be rough. I was like, this might be rough. I was on... I asked the three of them. I go, what are you guys doing? I'm like, none. You guys want to smoke a number? And they're like, we thought you'd never ask. So here we are.

Five to eight outside smoking a number with the three interpreters. Fucking, uh, leaves out there were giggling. It was fucking beautiful weather. You know, for November fucking 23rd. It was fucking tremendous. And that was it. The show went fucking smooth. I want to thank everybody of fucking parks.

And that was it. We got two more shows left in the city. And then we decide what the fuck we're going to do. But I got to tell you, man, I came home. Like I was telling you, Thanksgiving was kind of quiet. Before this, hold on one second. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsor. The episode of the joint is sponsored by Better Help.

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You don't want to go into the holidays with fucking baggage, so you might as well talk to Better Help, talk to a licensed professional. Anyway, sorry about the fucking COVID call from draining right now, but the thing about the edibles on Thanksgiving was I had like a, You know, guys, I think my favorite fucking part of life, and I tell you this with all enthusiasm, my favorite part of life is the ability we have to always learn, right? We have an ability to learn about life.

You can learn how to put a light bulb in. You can learn how to play the guitar. You can learn how to paint a picture at any fucking age. But I think the most, the best thing about your life is, you get to know yourself. You get to learn something about yourself. Nothing fucking gets me riled up more than you get like a moment and you go,

wow, what the fuck have I been for 60 fucking years? Have I been in a goddamn closet? I mean, how did I not see this? And we all do this, and you're going to do this from the age of 20 to the time you're fucking 90. You're going to learn something new about yourself, an emotion, the reason why,

you eat, the reason why you don't eat. You know, you just learn little things. Some of it is disturbing and some of it is just a part of growing up. You know, I found out a lot of things about myself that were very fucking disturbing. And you put them into perspective one way or another. You know, when Mr. Blue told me that fucking, if he had something that I wanted, that he would just give it to me because I take it, that fucking crush my soul when I was, 26 years old that I was just going to end up a fucking miserable thief after I thought about and I talked to him and he's like no you didn't understand what I said if I if there's something that you want you could fucking do it that's what I was saying to you and I was like okay but still it bothered me it was something that I discovered about myself that was life changing like you're like holy shit I learned something that important about myself but During the evening night, we came back, and I think we watched, I don't know, we watched something, some Garden of the Galaxy or some shit that was on, and now they got a new one on Disney.

I don't fucking know. And my wife went upstairs, Mercy went upstairs, and I was downstairs. Sometimes I just draw on the news and I fucking just bent on a piece of paper, right? That's what that paper's for. They cut trees every day for it. Meanwhile, you got 10 notebooks, you don't write shit in them. So I try to fucking journal as much as I can. So the end of the night, and I wasn't journaling about anything in particular.

Maybe Thanksgiving, how I felt, what happened at the fucking Parks Casino. Nothing particular. And it fucking hit me. You know, I was like, wow, you know, because we're so focused with what we don't have. And trust me, I'm the number, I'll tell you that I'm not focused on what I don't have. But I focus on little things like that. And it's negative behavior. You know, I don't focus.

I don't go, whoa, I wish I had a testeroza or a Lamborghini. No, no, no, no. That's not what I mean. I mean, you know, I think about I wish I would have gotten one of the two movies. I wish that would have worked out, you know. You think about, like, you know, I wish I was a little younger sometimes. Like I had five extra years to run. I wish I was 55 maybe to maybe.

to maybe go for it all over again, you know, like go from theaters to bigger venues. I don't fucking know, you know. But I tell you, we focus so much. And this is part of therapy. This is part of everything. One thing I do wrong that I got to stop, but I'll never do wrong as shit on myself. You know, in front of you guys, I'll tell you my weaknesses or whatever. And at the end of the day, they're really not even weaknesses.

Maybe you're having a bad day or something. But the end of the end of my, I'm like, wow, I'm Thanksgiving. The edibles are hit me a little bit. I'm hearing shit. Sometimes I hear the cat meowing upstairs. I'm like, what the fuck was that? You know, I got my own issues, guys. And we always think about, like, what we have or what we don't get or what we don't have, you know.

And again, I don't sit here going. I wish I would have got that. It's just sometimes you get bummed out that, man, I wish I would have. have got three days in that De Niro movie, man, I wish I would have got that law and order episode, man, I wish, you know, but, uh, at the end of that, I was thinking about how, as a comedian for the last 30 fucking years, I've looked at my accomplishments. I never really looked at the personal accomplishments. I always looked at the accomplishments that I had to do what I was doing for a job.

Do you know what I'm saying? Like your creative accomplishments. Like, you know, and if it was you, if it was a regular civilian, like a nice civilian, you would be focused on like your job. You're number one in the sales area. You've been number one for four years, you know, before that. You were at a different place and you guys were number one for 11 years. You led the sales team.

You really focus on that. And you really, and then listen. We all do, right? Like when you talk to people, what's going on with you, Pete? I broke the record this month. I sold the most toilet bowls. You know, whatever the fuck, you know. I sold the most cars.

I sold the most scooters. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just saying, you know. But we always rest our laurels on that. We all, and I, guys, you know, Joey, what's going on? Nothing. I became a feature act.

I'm doing 25 now instead of 20. You know, nothing else is going on with you now. That's it. Everything's good. Okay. You know, I'm still doing Coke. You know, what's going on, Joey? Oh, I got a girlfriend. And I'm still featuring now.

I'm featuring A clubs. You know, you always talk about that stuff, right? You don't talk about, like, dog, I got three fucking Bs at an A. Okay, what are you excited about that for? Because for the last two years, I've been a fucking idiot. I've been living off of fucking Eps and D's.

So these. personal accomplishments you never really look at because we're focused on like either monetary accomplishments or career accomplishments or creative accomplishments and that's fucking great but think about it like if if mike was in the food fighters and mike just wrote an album right they just finished they just got out of the studio the album is going to get released December 21st just to test you motherfuckers because you know let's say Mike was going to have a kid on the 15th

when I saw Mike on the 23rd what do you think Mike would say to me first he would tell me on the success of this album or that his child was born me person you know what I'm saying like trust me what I'm saying to you like you're not going to come up to me and say hey

I just lifted, you know, I added 25 more pounds on my bench press. Who would look, who would listen to you, right? People go, all right, whatever. Hey, guess what? I just got a stripe on my white belt. People will look at you and go, hey, who gives a fuck? Hey, you know, I just got a stripe on my fucking blue belt. Who cares?

But if you go up to something, right? In our mind, we don't think anybody wants to know about that shit. We just tell them about You could go to a fucking physical And the doctor will sit you down and go listen If I had five minutes I called the Museum of Science And tell them I got the perfect specimen

You just came in here Your blood pressure is perfect Your PCA is perfect Your asshole diameter is perfect Your heart's perfect Your lungs are perfect You know everything's perfect I'm gonna fucking call over there

If you walked out of that You still wouldn't say that to me. You would still say, you know, I fucking bartended the other night and I made $1,500 on a shift. You wouldn't even look at that as a fucking accomplishment that with all these fat fucks walking around and people with diabetic feet going to Yankee games and shit and fucking. With all this shit, you wouldn't take that as a compliment. That's what I'm fucking talking about. that we don't I've never looked at like you know what after fucking like seriously like the on that I thought about the 15 years I was all fucking powder oh having fought on a podcast in a

long time things are getting back to normal motherfuckers but I was thinking about that like gonna take hard work that it was it as hard as fucking me getting to be a regular at the store I don't know. I don't remember. But I tell you, it's worth something. And yeah, Joey, knock it off with that. You did Coke for 30 years. You didn't quit.

You just got tired. That too. Whatever it took. And it's the truth. You get tired of running. No matter what. I mean, it's tough to be 50 and still chase a fucking bag every day. Tough to be 50 and go, wow, I'm $3 away from getting a 20 sack.

And I'm $2.00. buying a crack pipe. I mean, it's tough to fucking say that. Unless things have definitely not gone your way and you've completely given up on yourself. It's really fucking hard to say that. But that night, you know, Thanksgiving night what I fucking dwelt on?

The thing I never wanted to do again, never mind comedy, never mind Coke, never mind all this stupid shit I focus on. I'm going to tell you what I didn't fucking focus on on Thursday night. And it hit me like a bag of fucking bricks, how much of a long way I've come. My anniversary. That is the first time my anniversary ever fucking dawned on me in my life. Ever.

Ever. 13 years of an anniversary to this woman who's fucking taken me from fucking a zero to a fucking retard now. And, you know, I mean, especially where I came from. you know and I tell people this constantly and I'll tell you guys men either marriage works or it doesn't you could make it work or you can move the fuck on I think that sometimes over the last 20 30 years I mean I've been separated

for 31 years now and I think that a lot of us as Americans gave up on our relationships way too fucking easy. When I got separated in 91 listen, in my heart, the marriage was done, and I know it was done. It would have been horrible if we were to stay together. It would have been horrible, horrible. And guess what? People do for the sake of the kids or the sake of convenience or the sake to not to go through that. We just become very fucking, you know, fuck it. We'll just put up with it until somebody gets hit by a truck or whatever the fuck you expect to happen. You know, I mean, you know, whatever.

And I mean, the marriage was over. You know, she came to me three months later, like in December, January of 91 or some shit, 92, she came to me and said, hey, you're doing this, I'm doing that. Let's talk tomorrow and let's try to get the relationship back. I went out that night and got blasted and fell asleep at the girl. I was Dayton's house and I don't know if she made it there that day

or not. I just wrote it off as you know, if the universe wants us back together, we'll get back together. I was young. I was very stupid and I never even thought of calling her up and going, hey, we should go talk to a priest. Hey, we should go do this.

And then the relationship just went off the fucking deep end and now it's over. When that happened to me, I'll never forget, I made a fucking solemn promise because I didn't know. I didn't know what I had done. I didn't know

the levels that you fuck up when you pull a marriage apart. Sometimes you really don't know. And for me, I pulled it apart and I threw, you know, I did what I usually do. I went out and started drinking and smoking smoking coke. I threw drugs on it and I never really focused

on what I needed to do, which sucked. But hey, we live and we learn. but because I was such a fucking maggot, I said to myself, well, the blame wasn't on me. I'll never, ever, ever get married again. The blame was not on me. I made some excuses how it just didn't work out.

It was never going to work out. How can I be married if I didn't have a mother? I haven't listened to anybody in 20 years telling me what to do. Just stupid shit, you know. And from 90, took 10 years to meet the right woman, you know, who was right for me. And when I met my wife, if you like, I could get around here one day to tell you the breaks I put on.

Because I wanted to have a girlfriend, but I did not want to have a wife. And I did not want to even sell the concept of wife. I would have been very happy with fucking just having a girlfriend. Why get married? You fail at it. Why would I get married again? It's like fucking getting on a horse and the horse bucks you and you fucking fly 30 feet in the air and you break your fucking neck. Are you going to get on the horse again?

50% of people do. But my 50% won't. I just won't. It just didn't work out for me, whatever. For years, is my relationship strengthened with my wife today. I just fucking, you know, said, this is great, this is great. I was a gentleman. I tried my best not to disrespect her.

But marriage was never in my first. fucking cards. It was, it just was not gonna fucking happen. And, you know, that was how I, that was my stand in like 2002, 2003 that this girl's great. I could see me

spending my life with her. A, I can't have kids. B, I don't want a fucking other kid. For what? So they take it away. And C, never mind kids, I'm not fucking getting married ever again. And in 2008. After I took the blind,

off from cocaine and I saw what the fuck was at stake. I thought about it. I thought about it. I thought about it. I went to see a friend of mine. We spoke about marriage. And that afternoon, I just called my wife and I go, listen, we're getting fucking married because I started thinking about her. What worked for me and what didn't work for me didn't really matter anymore. This girl, I put so much time into me that I had at least, you know, listen, what's that old expression? I got to make a decent or whatever the fuck people always, I got to make a decent woman out of her and they got to make a decent

man out of me. It was time for me to make a decent woman out of her. She had earned it. And against my own fucking beliefs, I was like, you know, typical Joey. Fuck and I go get married. I know she's going to get rid of me in five fucking years when she

realized what a loser I am. But I got to be honest with you, it was the opposite effect. Once I got married, like my life, if you thought my life changed those two years without the drugs once i got fucking married my life really took off because it was like i was putting uh not a responsibility yeah kind of like an extra responsibility on me that i didn't have when i was 20 i didn't look at it a responsibility

i'd looked at it as a fucking nuisance you know when i was married when i was 20 she had her own account I had my own account At the end of the month We'd make a list of fucking bills And we'd write a check to each other That's great And people do it all the time And it works for them

You know what For it to get into my psyche That we were a team I just said yeah Put the bills together And for a long time I have an account As a matter of fact Today I have my own account

And she's got her own account But we have a family account And we've had that Since like three weeks after we got married contrary to my selfish and stupid beliefs, it sets you up for the mental of it. We're a team. We're family.

We're a team. What's you going to take $3 from me? That's what we're worried about. That somebody's going to take our money, right? You know how many people pulled me aside and said, you should get a prenuptial? Why? I got nothing.

And if I do have something, it's because she made it possible. you know when we showed up when we met together we didn't have dick between the both of us and when we got married we didn't have dick we had a lot more than what we had when we met and we had a lot more than we had two years prior because there was no more $40, $50 a day for cocaine. So yeah, that little fucking psyche we did to put our accounts together and just to dip money in there, I would put my sag checks in my account. Everything else were going to the house account. for those $15, $3 checks,

nobody wants those anyway. I would put those in my account, and without doing coke, guess what? They had to fuck up. So it was perfect. But I look at my wife Thursday at Thanksgiving, and I'm like, never mind the, you know, eight years or nine years, we were together.

Now I've got a 13 years bonded by marriage. It's been a complete different fucking experience. and I was sitting there that night I know I was high and I know that you know whatever happened on Thanksgiving you're floating on fucking whatever but still I never looked at that accomplishment

I never looked at it you know my friend told me I did that his mother and father have been together for 63 years 63 years that's longer than Batman and Robin that's longer than Batman and Robin you know and because of my age and whatever I'll never be with my wife

for 63 fucking years but you think about that that's a long time to be with somebody your souls are definitely fucking connected if one of those guys dies the other one will be done within a month

maybe two maybe three months because they can't breathe without one another I'm not at that point in my wife yet That's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is the little things we don't look at. You know, you're too busy. Oh, I sold out the Chicago Theater. Oh, we sold out parks.

But you know what? My kid is healthy. My kid is healthy. She's smart. She's goofy, you know? She's not living a fucking life like I was living. My wife is happy. She got a little part-time gignor.

She's happy. We overlook those fucking things all the time. because we're looking for the bigger payout, like the bigger payoff. And you know what? If you're always looking for the bigger payoff, it's never going to fucking come. Focus on these little fucking payoffs. And when I meet my payoffs, I don't mean nobody giving you money. I mean life's payoffs.

The universe gives you fucking payoffs. And trust me, I was the first guy. I raised my hand. I never even saw those fucking universal payoffs because you're too busy. You're too busy with your fucking. head up your ass waiting for the fucking uh you know the uh readers digest fucking one point two million dollar lotto check and when you don't win it you get disappointed no fuck no it's about the little things and i've always said this for years that little commitments

become fucking big commitments it depends on how much time you got you're gonna get that the success is definitely going to come the odds are in your favor but how How much do you have? Are you willing to fucking hang in there? Who the fuck knows? Do you think I fucking thought I would hang with comedy for 10 years being broken? Who the fuck knows? I had nothing else.

But I knew that nothing happens in the couch. And I knew that the more I fucking showed up there, the more I fucking showed up there every week, I was getting fucking strong. It's like my man, an apocalypse now says, you know, I'm over here in a room getting fucking. fucking weaker and Charlie's out there in the bush getting fucking stronger.

You know, that, hey, listen, guys, that's, that's fucking as easy as can be. And it's fucking real. If you're not out there fucking grinding for whatever you believe in, for me it was, I wanted the marriage to work. I just want, I did not want to be a double divorce A guy. I did not want to be walking around talking about how my ex is a fucking witch and it doesn't work out and don't get married. so I try a little extra

even with the road and distractions and all the bullshit that comes with it I focused on it and I never ever looked at how good I felt about it how good I felt that we're both together for my daughter I mean listen guys anything could

fucking happen any given day my wife could wake up on then go you know what Joey I get sick and tired of sniffing your fucking fungi fun guy toenail it's time to go back to Tennessee and I'll accept it because I know I gave it a fucking Yankee try. I fucking stuck it out till the end. You know, I didn't

just quit when fuck. You know, you ever talk to, like, your grandparents? What do you think? They didn't have fucking the issues people have today. They didn't have money problems and shit. They just didn't quit. Their relationship got fucking stronger. You know, I read about all the divorces during COVID. I don't know if we could get the church tape on this.

I said it like the fucking month after the pandemic shut us down. I was sitting in my office scared, you know, doing something on Facebook. I shouldn't have been doing or Twitter or whatever the fuck. And I'm like, my wife is out there by herself. You know, I got two choices during this pandemic. I could either weekend on marriage or I can sit back here like a jerk off and on social media and write stupid jokes. What are you writing jokes for?

You're not going to know where to crack them unless you got a Zoom show and ain't fucking a clock, you know, which I didn't want to fucking do a Zoom show. So I said, let me go sit next to my wife. And you know what? We became stronger during the pandemic. I mean, it was our relationship instead of getting weaker. I mean, listen, when you're married, I can bullshit you and tell you that. There's days you wake up.

You want to stab your wife in the eye with a pencil. Don't get me wrong, okay? Mike will tell you, anybody who's married will tell you, there's some days you wake up and you're like, but 100% of the time I love it a debt. So what this taught me is after Thanksgiving last week, it was like a sort of a fucking Thanksgiving. Remember like they sold Thanksgiving in the beginning?

You're supposed to sit with your family and be thankful for all the good things that happened this year. For me, it was a realization that fucking good things have been happening all along. I just never looked at them. And if I didn't look at them, I'm sure a lot of other people are living the same life as I am, you know, you're focused on the little things. My girlfriend blew me.

You know, she put a fire cracker up my aunt. But you're not focusing on the fuck. I really did that work. Like, I got a weird respect to fucking doctors, lawyers, you know. Why? Because it's a seven-year education. Seven-fucking year education. What would we bail out of it?

The two-year, we go like, fuck this. five more years of this shit, seven fucking years. I admire that. That's why now I wish I didn't have the fucking felonies because I would go back to school. Because I know it could be done. And I tell people this all the time. You're not going to, you know, when I say to you, listen,

you can do this. It's going to take you four years. Four years. Come on, man. Just do it. Put your head down. Wake up, smile. You know, give a fucking whatever to yourself.

being alive, giving you another day to be alive, and go through the grind again. People are going to yell at you. People are going to call you a loser. You're doing this wrong, Mike. You didn't measure it right. You giggled because you know, in four years you won't even see this motherfucker no more. In four years, you're not even going to talk to this fat fuck anymore. You're going to be out there running your fucking game.

So it's just so weird of the things we're not thankful for. We're not thankful for. We're thankful for the big. I took a selfie with Queen Latifah. You know, who gives the fuck? If that's what your fucking day is consistent of, that's what you're going to get in your life. Is that type of shit?

But if you're going to go, fuck, today, I ran an extra fucking eight minutes. People don't look at that as an accomplishment. And they don't even mention it to nobody. They'll rather go, you know, I picked up 11 more Instagram friends. You know, no, you didn't look at the little things in your life. That's why you're not taking the right inventory of your life. Listen, guys, I love what I'm doing now.

It's simple. It's easy. I did the heavy lifting. And now I'm here to just do a podcast twice a week and help you guys out. If I can do some fucking comedy from time to time, I fucking love it. This is the pace I wanted. I'm not wasting nobody's time anymore. If you want in, you're in.

If you don't take a fucking hike. We're fucking six weeks away, right? Not even. We're fucking 32 days away from fucking Christmas. We did it again. This is what? My 10th year celebrating Christmas on the fucking internet and shit like this. What?

But we're here. This is the time of the year that, listen, this is the time of the year not to have a fucking stress out. You're not going to play catcher. It's like when people want to lose weight, like, I only lost three pounds. where you're 150 pounds overweight. That didn't take fucking three days.

So sit, relax, put it in. If you're behind the eight ball this year already, who gives a fuck? Don't stress it because you're not going to play catch a ball right now. If you're not behind a fucking eight ball and you had a fantastic year, look at you. Look at you. Fucking just lay in these accomplishments and go,

I fucking did it. And guess what? 20, 23 is going to be better. I feel optimistic. about 2023, I feel the book is coming out. It will give me some different option to explore. I don't know where the fuck stand-up comedy is going,

but I know I'm feeling better than I ever have. I'm getting old. I'm an old Billy goat, and I'm looking forward to these fucking next couple of years. So if you got anything from the Monday morning podcast today is be excited about your fucking accomplishments. You're not looking at career accomplishments. You're looking at personal.

accomplishments. You know what? You lifted 10 more pounds on a bench press? Tell everybody. Tell everybody. Guess what? What? I lifted 10 more fucking pounds on my bench press. People look at you. That's great for you. Fuck you. This is how we celebrate the little fucking things, guys, that we always overlook and then we go, fucking I haven't done anything this year. Trust me, you've done enough. I love you, motherfuckers with all my heart. Don't forget, it's Monday. It's Monday. motherfuckers. You need your weed for the week. Stoner Club.com. Pressing Uncle Joey and we're going to give you a 10%

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