The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #217 - Joey Diaz, Heather McDonald and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: September 30, 2014

Comedian Heather McDonald joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Intro The Grove - Madonna I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet Young And Beautifuk -Lana Del Rey Recorded on 09/29/2014

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Hit E6 is better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have E-sigs and e-cigars for you. Again, the code word is Joey's Church, and you get 20%. off. There you go. Oh shit. Kick this motherfucker.

What? What? Monday night. September 29th. The day the devil was buried at sea. Come on, come on, come on. Oh shit. Get into the groove. No, you've got to prove your love to me.

Yeah. Get up on your feet. Yeah, step to the beat What I tell you, motherfuckers Monday night You gotta get to know you In a special way Oh shit, we're off course this shit

The church of what's happened now, you bad motherfuckers What the fuck happened tonight? Heather Maconnell You grew up on Madonna also? I love Madonna. The reason why I put Madonna on tonight This was the last big hit That I rocked out to New York City

Before I left in 85 and who do I bump into New York City last weekend? My beautiful Gumbar-Heedch Heather. McDonald's Gumanich? What's up? Where the fuck you've been? What are the questions? Mind your business.

Have you a half-fucking Jewish holiday? No, what's that? All week, the hell of Mexican brought out. You tied down. Tied down. You went here, you went there. Yeah, we went to the podcast festival two days. How was that?

Big thank you to Vicki Peza. It was great. We went and saw Sam Tripoli show, the Nadi show. We went to a couple panels. which was very cool. It was nice. It was a lot of fun. What did you learn?

A lot of stuff. It's crazy how much it's a move. Because apparently podcasting has been around for like 10 years. And it's just comedy has been really kicked it off. So it was just really cool going. There was someone who got their show bought by IHeard Media. And it was just interesting to go to. But I had an experience today that I thought of you.

And it just, when I first started working out, you told me that like bigger people would come up to me and like, give you like a thumbs up and I don't know what it is I don't know if you go to the 24 hour finish in North Hollywood or not I don't know No I live I live in Woodland Hills Oh okay but it's

And my trainer is a friend of mine She comes to my house That's what I but that's what I need Because this this 24 hours here Is very nice But it's home to all the people Who are too stupid to know they're stupid Like they're all everyone has the sides up

All the trainers are talking about Where do you go to get auditions but today I almost had to I almost had to call you to come and punch somebody in the face so as a bigger guy I'm like we're like the only people who are working hard like all the fit people are already fit so they're just there to be seen and mingle

but this one jerk came in he was big he was probably close to 400 but he had an entire outfit that matched turquoise he had a slick back hair he had sunglasses on and he was walking on the treadmill and I wanted to Why didn't you take a picture? What am I going to do?

No, there's ways to do it. You make sure the flash is off. And then if you get caught, you're like, oh, that was weird. I'm sorry. When I get off of the elliptical, I'm basically dead. But I just, I was looking at him and I'm like, and people were looking at him. He was doing the thing. I'm sure you've seen it.

Get on a machine. Get off. Walk to a different one. Get on. Get off. And I don't, I understand it with like the pretty people at the gym. They go there to be seen and stuff like that. Yeah, that's fun.

But for like a bigger guy to be doing? Was he fat or muscle? No, he was huge. He was like my 600 pound life, but he thought he was like a club guy. And the killer was the sunglasses. Was he a fucking foreigner? No, he was a white dude?

Yep. That's the fucking problem, dude, right there. And it killed me. Like, I'm like, they have colon on and shit. Probably, I didn't get that close. But it's like people are, like, I was killing myself there. There are a bunch of chubier people who were killing themselves there. And I felt like he was, like, hurting our cause.

I feel like you're a problem. bit of a hater right now. I am. Everybody can go to the gym, but he wasn't even working out. It's not just fucking jerk off. So that's why I go to the YMC. I don't have to deal with jerk off. Yeah. At all. I live my life, jerk off free. I don't have to deal with fucking fake people or whatever. I understand what you're coming. I'm absolutely a hair. When I go to the gym, I don't want to see a fucking cell phone. I don't want to say nothing. The girl that trains me, I say, listen, if you come with some, she's a mom from my school. I go, if you come with some good gossip, some juicy scoop, we can do an hour. If not, it's only going to be a half. So either bring it, either go to the gossipy parties and bring me some shit about someone getting divorced or something. Or I'm not going to do that many reps because then I'm bored. And it goes by so fast.

When she's got scoop, it just zooms by. How many days a week you work out of? Usually at the low side three, but sometimes I'll be lucky enough based on my schedule to do four or five. You've kept it together really good. I know you a long time. Thank you. I mean, you know the spring chicken, no more you're still fucking working it like a bad motherfucker. I know.

I know Heather a long time. She's a fun fucking girl. I've always loved that. I didn't see you for a long time. I know. And you popped up on the show. I had you were a mom and stuff. And I was so happy for you.

I just didn't bump into you. You know, I don't run in those circles. I know. I don't go to Woodland Hills. I don't have a training. I know. And I wasn't like hanging out like I used to hang out. We were just hanging out at the comedy store and the union.

And all that was always there were always those weird rooms popping up around sunset. But I still say the weirdest memory for me with you. is at the Formosa with Josh Wolf. Yeah. And Sarah Colonna bartending, and years later, everybody's still friends. Sarah's out working it. I mean, this is crazy.

We'd end up at that fucking Formosa. I mean, one night, you were dancing on the table or something. And those people, the Formosa just could not handle it. Oh, good. We were outside. I don't remember that. We were outside. We were outside, not inside the bar.

And that's one of the last time. I do remember Formosa. I did like it, yeah. Yeah. We liked for Formosa. Formosa. Yeah. It was a lot of fun, man.

And no, it was great seeing you in New York there day. New York is not. I don't know how to describe New York anymore. I grew up. You know how the, for me, when I go home, I'm very numb to it. Yeah. Because I grew up there. Like, I went to New York City the way people here go to sunset.

Like, I went to New York, even though. And then I grew up in New York until 73. And then my mom had a bar in northern New Jersey right over the tunnel. So I was always in New York. Then we bought the house in Jersey, but I always lurked, like to see the differences, you know, to walk around this week and to, first off, New York is dead. At night, it's dead. Hipsters don't go out at night. This new generation, at 1 o'clock, they fold.

You know, two, three nights, I went out and they fucking, Thursday I was at the stand. We were walking around at one. There was nobody on. We were smoking pot on the street. You didn't drink or nothing. Dirk Friar and now that did that place, walked out of that 2.30. We were on the corner till three. You know, people drips and drabs.

I remember when you went to New York, you pulled all with a bag with beer in it. You were doing a couple bumps in the fucking car until about 4, 4.30. Then you went to a fucking club, like the rooftop or something. And you stayed there until 7. They gave you sunglasses.

Seven? Oh, fuck, yeah, man. And then at 7, you went back to your neighborhood bar and finished it off there until about 9.302. Jeopardy came on. One of those fucking morning game shows. Oh, my God. Yeah, man.

That's how you do. did it. That's why you lived in New York. You didn't live in New York to go to the museum. Oh my God. I went to this bistro. That's not what New York is about. That's what it became. And I appreciate it. I mean, if you look at videos from New York in the 70s, you will see the filthiest fucking city when I was a kid. And I don't know it now. Now when I look at old videos in New York, I see how fucking filthy. Yeah, what's that video of Cole? You showed me a bunch of times. It's a start of a music video. A video, it's a Spanish video from Fonnie All-Stars.

They did a movie in New York and the early 70s, and you see the pictures of New York, and it was three feet of paper on the sides of the street where you take your collar. And it always would be like people were getting mugged and stuff, right? I feel so safe when I'm in New York. So safe. And so it's great. That's great.

All these things are so much better than when you were. Fuck no. Yes, it is. Fuck no with these fight gentile pussies walking around, holding hands with moms and dads and doing them want to get the, fuck out of here. New York, if you want to get mugged, you went to New York. People paid money to get mugged. People went to New York to actually see a fucking mugger. If they didn't want to get mugged, then they went to L.A. or something like, you know what I'm saying? There

was something about New York that kept it a little dirty. I was always kind of scared of New York and now I'm not. Let me tell you something that I've seen about New York. Yes. Okay, I was on Opie and Anthony. And we were talking, Opie lives in a million-dollar fucking building and so was Jim Norton. You know what they were saying? You know what they were saying? What? As soon as the sun starts going down, the rats are fucking ginormous. The parks, you've got to take your kids out of the park by five. That the rats come out everywhere.

That should make you happy that it's still gross. No. You know how many fucking mice I saw? He's very weird rules. I didn't see any mice or anything. I saw so many little mice running like on the side streets, you know. And I tell you. I love New York.

I mean, I still love New York. I'm not saying nothing bad about. You get a South Brett hot dog? I got a sad bread hot dog when I walked out of Opie and Anthony. I went to Opian Anthony. I went on the Jewish holiday, so a car picked me up at a quarter of the seven in Jersey. I made it over into the city at 715.

He goes, what are you going to do? It was raining. I go drop me out. I had no umbrella, nothing. I walked around the city. Fucking badass, no umbrella. What the fuck, Joey? I ate a fucking chocolate edible and a lollipop.

I did Opian Anthony. When I walked out of 1115, I was stoned to the gills. I looked up the corner, and there was a little Sabret Iranian dude on the corner. He put them in water, took him out, and then grilled them. and then the bun was heated

I had two of them with onions the cab came it took me right to the ferry I went on the ferry by myself I was scared I went to the stone to the gills it took 20 minutes to go across and then

That was been the most terrifying 20 minutes in your life I was fucking scared Last time I was on a boat Over there was like the ocean line It takes you around New York City And they give you an ice cream corn with pretzels in it If I went on a ferry

You'd call me up What the fuck cause There'd been cars for 200 years You're on a fucking ferry You're gonna fall off That ferry's quick. I've been taking that ferry for years. I just hadn't taken it, so when I got on, it was a little shocking.

But the weirdest thing about the whole fucking weekend... You actually need these things at all, right? No, whatever you want to do. The weirdest thing about the whole weekend was when I went to my mother's cemetery grave. I brought a flowers. Let me tell you some, man. I'm so fucking fed up with people. They steal everything in Jersey.

They steal from the cemetery? They steal the things you put the flowers in. That's so nice that you visit your mother's grave. That's the first thing I do. I totally, I will be, I want to be, I'll be cremated. I can't, I wouldn't want my kids to waste their time visiting me, but I think it's nice. I ripped the grass off. I fixed the rocks for her.

I fucking smoked a joint. I blew smoke at the fucking rock. All right. I put flowers there. I went and got a fresh flowers. I put a candle in there. It was very nice. I had a nice time.

I go, that's the first thing I do when I go on my parents. You go to the flower guy? He's not there no more. What? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

His Persian wife must have took it. Yeah. I got to go to eat. Union City spent 35 for a fire. I would go and give this guy like a piece of pot cookie. And he'd give me a bouquet of flowers on the arm for the last time. And it was sad because when I walked into that cemetery, I go, I can't believe I've been coming to this fucking cemetery for 35 fucking years.

I couldn't believe that. Like, I've been coming here for 35 years. Longer than she's been alive. Yeah. Or longer than you were alive with her. Yeah, longer than I was alive with her. And when I was a kid, I wouldn't even walk on that side of the street because of the cemetery. Once she died, it forced me to go on that fucking cemetery.

When I was a kid, I had to walk down. I was at the cemetery every day. And I just wouldn't do it. I'd cross the street. Once she died, I had to go in there. But that was it. The rest of the trip, I got no fucking complaints. How's George?

We fucked George up. First stop, I went to, the second thing, listen, when I go off the plane, first thing I do in Newark is I shoot to the hotel. I check in. And then from there on the Jersey side, I go right to Chan's dragging it. Best Chinese in the Tri-State area.

I've been there since I was 14 years old. Right. What are you got? 36 fucking years. I got poor. fried rice. I got three egg rolls. That's not that exciting. Listen, compared to the shit we get here,

this is real fucking exciting. Don't get them starting. He hates a tiny thing. Look at what I got. Look what I got. You dirty savage. Look at those egg rolls. That's 36 years. That's the Dodger game Monday night. Hold on. Keep you filthy for it. Let me show you what it's all about.

Those are huge. That is a billion calories. What are you doing? You see those fucking spare ribs? You can't get those out of it. You see that? That's a real strawberry shortcut. from a Jew fucking bakery, speak of mince. You know how many years they've been there?

80, 80, 80 fucking years, okay? Look at that. Look at that. It looks pretty. You know what that is? That's Cuban Boliche with the chorizo in the middle. Right there, that's the original. Right there was terrible.

It wasn't that good. That's Rudy's. I've been walking the Rudy since I was 15 fucking years old. Joey, join the mic. Shut up the mic. That was fried calamar right there. Yeah. Look at these muscles.

Look at these muscles. I'm not at the fucking muscles. with spicy red sauce on it. 35 fucking years. Look at the, I got to listen to me, dog. I scammed them. That's my first class ticket of American Airlines. I scanned them because they canceled me

because of the flight in Chicago. I had knee surgery, so I always slide direct. But the doctor said, you know what? Just to walk around, take a connecting flight. It's my best fucking thing. I took a connecting flight. Oh, my God.

I went through Chicago on the way here. It was okay. It was an hour delayed. That's fucking Chicago. That's four times in one year through Chicago. I'm never going to a fucking Chicago again. This is Wednesday. Then that mess happened.

Friday, some kid wants to kill himself in a fucking airplane, and he pours gasoline on the thing, lights it. It don't go up. Then he lights himself on fire. He don't go up fast enough. He takes a knife and he stabs himself in the fucking neck. And he lives. And he lives.

And you know why he didn't? Why? The article said it's because he got transferred to Maui and he didn't want to go from Chicago. This is the fucking morons. We live through today. Somebody should just shoot him at the hospital and make a fucking favor.

I know. There was like 900 flights delayed or canceled. Were you delayed at all? No, I was direct Virgin first class. Oh, but see, you had to leave Sunday at 1 from Newark? Yeah, that was fine. I don't like flying in the 4 o'clock. He's home sleeping by 1.

Fuck you. By 4 in the afternoon, I'm already, fuck you. The 405 is trafficking. Listen to my fucking junk. That's like the perfect plan. Fuck you. Here's the perfect fucking plan, all right? Let me hear it.

Let me show you the first of all, what do you eat before you get on the plane. Let me show you what I would have flown out in Phillips out of Newark's, I would have flown. I would eat at Phillips. And what would you got in there? Let me guess. Two crab cakes, two eggs sunny side up, two pieces of wheat dose with butter. Are you fucking kidding me? That sounds delicious.

I like a cupcake. Nobody knows what flavor throws down. So, fucking virgin at four. You got to land here on four or five with a bunch of morons. Even if you have a driver, you're stuck in fucking traffic. No, I was home by. Yeah, and that's great. Let me tell you what flavor is there.

Right. Even with my connecting flight, I would have been home at 10 to 11 because I got a rule. I get home before the weed store opens. I want to spend the whole day with my family, and I'd have to fuck a day and not get caught by a delayed flight. Wait, wait. Do you want to get home before the weed store?

It's open. It's 11 o'clock in the morning. My rule is 10 o'clock. So I got a call from American. So you can then get the weed and then spend the day with the family. I already got weed at the house. I just, that's my rule. What's the rule about the weed store?

Because you never know when he needs it. You never know when you need it. Oh. So I guess Saturday, and I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. I'm waiting for American Airlines and said they're going to cancel my flight, but I thought they cleaned it up, to mess up my Saturday.

Sure enough said, and I got to call it 10 o'clock. Mr. Diaz, we've canceled your flight. For you to fly out, you either got a fucking flight. I already had upgraded to first class. They said, for you to fly out, you're either going to have to fly out of 20 afternoon and get there at 8, which ain't going to work for flavor or Monday morning.

That ain't going to wait for flavor. Don't fly on Mondays. That's just the way. way I do it. I work Thursday through Saturday night. I don't work on the Lord's Day. And Monday I don't fly. Flying for Mondays is for Jaggoffs. So, especially if you don't take the first flight, you're going to get delayed. So I fucking, I get the call and she goes, what do you want to do? You got a flight at Dallas. I said, listen, what do you got that to early? She goes, well, we have a look. Why do you fly that 7 a.m.? I go, listen, let me ask you this.

I know you motherfucker's got a 545 by a Kennedy. That goes straight into L.A.X. that gets my Cuban ass and the LAX at 8.30. And with little God's help, without the wind, and the pilot didn't get his dick suck last night, I get in about 10 after 8. I'm on the 405 by fucking 830

because there's no other idiots coming in. My luggage gets there first. So do you not even sleep then on Saturday? Sleeping is for pussies. That bitch said, I got it, and I upgrade you, Mr. Diaz. I called my wife. My wife says, that's the plane

with the fucking plus. because that's the plane. See, the American Airlines biggest flight is from LAX to Kennedy. If you go to LAX and go premium exit to Kennedy, they do everything but lick your nuts. They give you a free soda, coffee, breakfast mug, and they ship you up. I didn't know that until I got upgraded about two years ago.

That flight is $4,400 for first class, 25 for business class. They rape you on that flight. Because everyone does it here? Yeah, sure, every fucking jerk off has to do it. But it was empty. I got, really? And that bitch, I was over at the magazine store

and that bitch said, boarding first class when I got up to the chick, the chick goes, with boarding first class, I said, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself, lady. She looked at me, looked at the past, she goes, thank you. The fuck out of my, it's the one where you get on, the seats are this way.

Full bed, like a pod. Full bed. Full screen TV, remote, pops open, bam, button for the waiter. A whole circuitry over here, computers, the whole fucking thing. So nice. I put my feet up like a doctor.

Stone to the gills I was. It's 6.01. What a surprise. And then I went to the back and I saw some black lady laying down. I said, I didn't know that. I took that little blanket. I put my sleep apnea mask on. I put that seat all the way back.

That bitch woke me up when we were fucking descending. You brought up the sleep apnea mask? So you didn't get any of the free food? Who wants to eat that shit? I love it. No, I love it. Let me tell you how they serve your dog. They don't fuck around.

Come on. I eat the food then I take a nap, okay? What do you think of dealing with? I watched the shitty movie. Which movie? I have no idea, whatever they were showing. I watched a little blended. I put my music on.

They threw me with first class, had the upgrade, had opened up with a yogurt, a little granola, a little strawberry yogurt with some blueberries. Then they went to some fruit. But I think, God, it's like a cheat. Oh! I was with the Jews. Bagel and locks. Come on. With fucking onions.

You're eating airplane locks? Not bad. They're so good, first class. In my virgin first class. Yeah, they weren't bad. They weren't bad. Like filet mignon. Yeah, they don't fuck around now.

It was really good. This is a good deal about flying all the time. You just get upgraded. Or you buy the first class ticket like a mom up. No, no. I did some video promotional video for Virgin Airlines, and they gave me some couple free. But that was my last free first class.

Well, you don't have to. It doesn't end there. Because you're red right now. See? Yeah, I don't know. So you're silver. We'll see. Sometimes you can, but it's hard.

No, it's fucked. They're the easiest. You buy the fucking cheapest flight. If you're red, they upgrade you automatically. cabinet selected and 12 hours before you get your first class ticket who the fuck you think you're dealing with dog stop I fight first class every week on upgrades around this fucking country of mine good for you fuck around with that shit I mean we've been flying for 20 years I have not been flying for 20 years I'm flying probably for about five well you got some more no I'm doing I'm

doing I'm doing I'm doing it's a couple hours and I am doing coach when it's only like you know Southwest is a fucking nightmare. Yeah, but you get off of Southwest, you get to need 82 chiropractice. I do it to Vegas all the time in Sacramento. I love all that shit. But I mean, an hour is an hour. No, an hour is an hour. Southwest don't work for two and above.

Two and above, you're going to need 55 chiropractice. Forget Southwest. Do you go to a chiropractor? Do I look like I go to a chiropractor? I don't know, but I self-crack and I love it. How do you self-crack? Oh, my God. First of all, I feel kind of badly because I think I've started my kids doing it.

Okay, let me see if I can get any cracks right now. Hold on. Oh, my... Oh, wait, hold on. Wait. That was just a little one. Hold on. I'm not getting any right now. There are my elbows. You made your elbows crack. I made your elbows crack.

You could probably push on my back right now and get, like, a ton of cracks. Do your neck. Do your neck. I don't think I'm going to get that many because I just did it. I could bend over and do all those type of cracks, but not... Let's see it. My son can pull my... How many kids you got now? Three.

Three kids. What are the ages? 14, 11, and 8. Jesus Christ. And the 14th from another marriage? No, from a one-night stand of my husband's. Okay, really? Yes.

But she was with us full-time. And the mom's still around? Not really. Like, it was weird. Like, when she was about 11, her mom just was like, I can't take her anymore. So I think she should go to school with you. And then now she's so old and we can't get them to like, I want her to like have a relationship with her mom.

But every time we would force her to go, then she'd come back angry and we were making such progress. And she's like a really good girl. She gets like a three nine and she goes to the Catholic all-girl high school I went to. And I finally just said, why are we pushing her to see this woman who essentially gave her up? And she does not. And like, and like we did the therapy thing. And then finally I was like, okay, like you guys can call each other and text each other. me 15 in a month and I just you know and I just think that's it like there's nothing more I can

do like she was awful to me when she was little but I forgave her and I still was like telling my daughter like you should really you know this is your mom she had birth to you it's great that you who was awful for you I'm sorry I didn't interrupt you know my stepdaughter's mother okay yeah was really awful and then and it's just like such a weird karma thing that now she doesn't even want to talk to her mom when I had to like when she you know she tried to keep me from her and everything you know it was just it's bizarre but in the end I always had this vision like this I secreted that they could all work out and it did and I can't believe she's like at the same school I went to she's at the same Catholic school I went to and she's great she's good but it was hard

it was hard like her at 12 and 13 was pretty bad now she's 14 and she's pretty good it's fucking tough divorces and a friend of my call me two days ago in Jersey and I talked to you and say I'm thinking breaking it off with my wife

for eight years I got it's a five-year-old kid and I go don't do it man I disagree depending on them this is what I think I well what were the reason

see because this is what people when I say I said listen I've been with my house in 14 years and there are times when I'm like holy shit

like I cannot stand this guy anymore I'm going to kill him I like would you know I like imagine him just like you know stopped breathing I'm like that wouldn't be that bad I mean everyone's thought of it okay

but the truth is the fights don't last that long and we are like we like the same stuff and we have the same interests and we have fun together I think sometimes when people also fight but really don't like each other and really have nothing in common and you've really grown apart I don't think that you should stay together for a kid

because it's like life's too life's short but life's fucking long too And we're going to live till we're like 80 or 90 years old. So why not get out now at 40? And maybe you can still find someone that you like. I listen. Like if you don't think you can ever get back in the groove. Like that's why you shouldn't.

That's why when people go too long a periods of having sex and stuff, it's such a mistake. Because then it's like weird and awkward. Then you hate each other. Then you're really more susceptible to cheating. And like, you can't let that shit go too long. Well, when I was young, I was married. And there was a child involvement.

I wasn't happy around. If she was in a 50-yard radius, I wasn't happy. The wife. Yeah. And you know when I realized I didn't love her? I'm the fucking honeymoon. That happens a lot. I'm the fucking honeymoon.

Where were you? We were headed to San Francisco on the plane. She said something. I was like, I don't believe this is a fucking mistake. How old are you? 26 years old. Yeah. Out of prison.

She's pregnant on a fucking plane. I get back to the whole town. telling San Francisco she goes to bed. I go to some fucking crazy bar and pick up an eight ball and stay out till fucking six. I crawled in bed. She thought I was in bed all night. But at the honeymoon, I realized it wasn't going to work.

And after that, it was just a disaster. I've had friends tell me, like, they knew as they were, like, walking down the aisle. But then it's, like, too late. It's too late. No, you think that, oh, maybe I'm just having a bad day. Yeah, or I'm having anxiety. Maybe I'm having anxiety or something isn't right.

There's nothing. I mean, I agree with you guys. As far as my friend's concerned, this guy likes a chick in his office. You know what I'm saying to you? Yeah. So he wanted somebody to push him just to let him know. He's going to do it anyway.

We're not getting along, but there's this girl. Boom, once they tell you that, when somebody says I'm having up. So has he fucked the girl in the office yet? I didn't even go there because I don't want to hear the truth or whether it's a life. Not because I know the wife, but you know what? Yeah. Guess what? I'm 51.

I got a baby. I got 22 weeks of work ahead of me and all this shit. I could give a Frenchman's fuck, to be honest with you. If you speak, you have to listen. I could give a Frenchman's fuck. Well, I do give a fuck. I would like to know the story.

He's not going to tell me the truth because nobody ever tells you that, by the way. Especially a woman will never leave a guy unless there's a guy in her mind. Yes. If the guy from high school, Facebook, something. Yes, totally. Once they tell you, well, I've been thinking,

that means a guy got to it. She didn't fuck them. She didn't probably even talk to him. She just thought the guy poked me on Facebook. That's good when you're unhappy. Yeah. A poke when you're unhappy is all you fucking need. Just a friend request.

It's just amazing. And there's some guys that are the same way. Some people are not just happy. And they know it for a long time. Listen, man, the real person who isn't happy in a marriage isn't going to get out and look for a girl. He's going to go home and get his shit together for a fucking year and go, I don't want to be around somebody. I'll get a piece of ass if it's mandatory,

but I don't want nobody in my fucking space. You know, I bump into women who goes, I haven't had a date in three years since that guy fucked me over, whatever. If you're really unhappy with somebody and it takes you off center, once you break up with that person, you're not going to jump unless you're a fucking moron.

Right. And then it's just going to keep, you know, it's like the people who say, I've been married four times, and you haven't shot yourself yet because you're a loser. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking idiot.

You're going to keep getting married and taking that funk into other people's lives. Yeah. Because every time you get a divorce, you ruin that person's life for a year or two years, or they don't know what the... You know, I always took it seriously. I was raised Catholic. So when I got married and I fucked up, I was never getting married again in the back of my mind. You got one shot at this. But there's these people that walk around, oh, you know, I'm married five times.

I love her. Are you a fucking retard? Are you a fucking retard or what? You know, I don't get it, so... But no, I was just... One time we were going to Vegas for the weekend, and I'm like, let's just pretend to my husband. I said, let's pretend that we've only gone out twice, but we haven't fucked. And you have a different wife.

She's awful. You're separated for the first time. I'm divorced. We met at baseball. I'm like, let's just see, you have to romance me this weekend so that we, because I don't know if I'm going to sleep with you. I don't know. I do all of this. He's like, what?

And so then we start getting ready. and he's like, like, pushes my suitcase in a rude way, like it was in his way or something. I'm like, would you really do that if this was our second date and we may or may not fuck this week? Would you really just push my suitcase rudely like that? Like, sorry that it's in your way, asshole. No, like I said, we're on this. He's not an actor, so he didn't continue with the whole improv. But I was down to do it all weekend.

I would have done it all weekend. No guy is ever going to improv. That's pain. That's fucking pain. Why? It could be fun. Make you believe that we like you to get in your pants. Yes.

That's fucking painful as debt. That whole process. I'm making believe we give a fuck what's coming out of your mouth. I know, but I want to experience that again. Hold one second. I have to go to the bathroom. I want to hear more about your mother's lambago. We don't give a fuck about your mother's ailments or your father's...

I don't care about anybody's ailments. Or your father getting hit by a truck. We'll make believe to fuck you. That's what I want again. So I'm never going to have that again unless we pretend. Give me a minute. sensitivity. Get the fuck.

We don't give a fuck. It's amazing. It really is amazing that all these shows, they still haven't put plugs on people and threw them in a date and tell them that they just want to do a test where they find out people's testosterone responses when they're around women. With all this shit that they've invented, I want to see what people are really thinking. I'm going, hi, Heather, how are you? whether we're looking at fucking Heather, and you're thinking, oh, Jesus, this fucking mud.

And we're saying lies to each other the whole fucking time. And they don't know we're really doing this. That's the show to pitch. What's he really thinking? What's she really thinking? Oh, I can't wait to fuck this bitch in the mouth. You know, but meanwhile, you know, yeah, yeah, seriously. When you see, listen, there's no fucking guy that goes on a date that while she's eating like lobster and eating the steak and shit,

he's not looking at you going you better get a good meal because I'm going to fuck that lobster right out of you that's what we think in our mind I can't fuck shit out of nobody I was just always thinking like I can't believe I'm getting lobster I'm so hungry

I'm so hungry right and he's thinking lobster I'm going to fuck I'm going to fuck those calories right out of her pussy and shit and then there's nice guys like this fucking dude this guy is a very sweet guy that still hears birds

and flowers wasn't, oh, she wanted to go. He's still one of those guys. This is the same guy. Yeah, there's some things you want to. I learned from him. I grew fun. But this guy still buys the whole thing.

Like, when she wanted to go, really? Okay. You know, two weeks ago, he went at 5 o'clock on a Friday to Santa Monica, the Cray class. Finally, he's never eating another crepe again. He'll never eat another crepe or cook a crepe again. He got talked. He gets talked every Friday.

The week before that, he had to go to a Chinese restaurant in Santa Monica, and the traffic on a Friday. Yeah. You could I don't give a fuck how much I want to fuck you. No. I ain't driving you to Santa Monica on no fucking Friday. But he'd do it. And he'd do it after he fucked you.

That's the thing that gets me worried about this fucking joke. There's nothing worse than when you plan, when you agree to go on the date and then your husband gets crotchety because he doesn't really want to go. So early on that started to happen. And I was like, you need to just be honest. You need to not accept that we're going to go because now we're driving this thing and I'm all cute and now you're being a dick. So like that's always good.

Like now, well, advance, if I feel like he's being a little dickish in the beginning, I'll be like, is it because you don't want to go tonight? Because if that's the case, I can always bring a friend, I'm fine. And then if he does want to go, then he'll like stop me a dick. Does he like sports? Yeah, of course. Does he really like sports? No, he's not crazy sports. No, he's not crazy now. Now, if you get 60%, you think that's 60% of men in this country is sports crazy. Yeah, at least. And why would some stupid woman try to get this motherfucker out of the house on a Saturday on Sunday.

Why would some stupid fucking ignorant woman who gives a... Do you want to do this at Saturday at 6? And he said, sure. Everybody knows Saturday's college football day. Especially from August to December. Nobody gets married. Nobody does nothing from August. So it's your fault?

You could have said that. Because women should know better. No one should. I would know better. I would know better to ask my wife to do something on a day when they're like whatever she likes on TV. Like when I go to the farmer's market on Sundays and I look at all those men with their fucking

wives with the hat on, showing their tattoo, and they're pushing the carriage, and the cunt wife has another woman where they're going, he's such a good dad because she can't find the fucking man in Hollywood. And she's looking like a hero. You really think that dumb fuck wants to push that fucking kid?

I never, I never, my husband. Do you really fucking think on a Sunday at 10.30? Some guy wants to be with two wenches from Studio City with a Sinatra hat on saying amazing and all those fake fucking words? No, and you know what? I always looked at those men and I was like, I feel bad for them.

Well, I didn't have that guy. Fuck him. That's what, no. You know the other guy I didn't have? The guys that bring the babies to like the open music stuff. No. And put them in the air? Yes.

My husband never did that. Like, I'll take the child. So the women around you can say, oh, he's such a good dad. That's the guy. Yeah. I can't stand that guy. No, we never did that. The guy that has to get the minivan to show everybody.

No. He's a good dad. I would never get one of those things to put in front and walk around. We were also never the couple that took the kids to Hawaii. Like a Jackie Jerk off. I was like, what the? I'm like, why are all these people bringing their toddlers to Hawaii? Like, the toddler doesn't know. Who cares? And then finally the kids got so old. I was like, Peter, we have to bring them on at least one vacation.

And he was like, no, let's not. And then I was like, everybody in our school has that Lueau picture with their kids. I'm like, we've got to. Did you bring them? We finally brought them when the youngest was about five and a half, then they started come on trips. You know, my wife for 14 years? You've never been in New York. why don't you bring her

for what because you have to work so much because you're busy I don't want to bring nobody I haven't been Peter's never come to New York with me but we've done other trips that makes sense sometimes that doesn't make sense

sometimes it's too expensive to bring her and you're going to be too busy it's like you bring your spouse and your kid like when you're doing one night somewhere you know what I did oh my god it was amazing I did stand up in Atlantis only two nights in the theater

and we brought the kids and it was the best trip ever Island? It's in the Bahamas. You take Red Eye to, from L.A. to Miami, little small flight to NASA. It is so much better than Hawaii. It is so beautiful, so much fun. Everything is there.

I've seen the thing, I'm thinking of taking mercy there, but she's 18 months. No, no. You don't, you don't, you don't take her. You don't take her, you don't take her till she's 48 inches. And. But when she's 48 inches, take it. And she gets car sick, like a motherfucker. And I did, too.

Oh, my, I had the puking. My older son was a puker until about three. I can't do anything she starts telling me, Daddy, pull the fuck over. I got to puke because it's a fucking nightmare. I know. It's a fucking nightmare. I really try, really try. I would try not to feed him.

I can't even take it on the beach. Twice. We went to the beach three times. One week she got sick. And the second week she got really sick. And I said, that's it. Can't take it a fucking Disneyland. Did you used to get car sick?

Like a motherfucker. So did I. And then my son got sick all the time. So I know what she goes through. I just remember one time I get. sick every morning my mom would drive us to swimming practice but I was the baby and the other one one swim swim and then I'd get sick every day and then one day I sat down to have breakfast she goes you know what I think I'm not going to feed your breakfast till after swim practice

and I thought god you finally figured that one out you dumb bitch like of course so sometimes it's hard because babies have to eat all the time but when with my son if we were going on a longer trip I would try to like hold back and feed you know not feed him too much before definitely not a bottle. No, she's too fine. The bottle formula and make you... No, I don't even like that either.

Like, we've taken it back to see her family and it bothers to fuck on me, bring the baby on there. Oh my God, we never took the kids on a plane until they were like five. Fuck out of me. It is so much work.

You have no idea. But if that's where her family is, you know. You know, I always knew as, I never wanted to be that guy with the baby on the fucking red eye. I never want to be that guy with a baby at a restaurant.

I never want to be that guy with a baby. Yeah. If you got to see a movie, if you got to see a movie, that fucking bad, then dumped the baby up at the fire department. You know, like that fucking idiot in Denver that took his kid to the midnight showing a Batman, that jerk off came in and shot everybody in the fucking movie theater. You have your little fucking baby there.

Maybe you don't want to see Batman. Did you ever ask them that? And that's how I treat my child. If I can't answer and get a fucking answer out of her, I won't take it. Is she fucking approved? No, then she ain't fucking going. My whole thing was like, I'm not, don't put your kids in a situation where they're going to fail.

They're going to fail at a nice restaurant. They're not going to sit through a two-hour meal. And then the alternative is giving them an iPad the whole time. No. So it's like, no, now they're at an age where they can go. So now they can go. No one brings electronics. But I would not bring them in three and four so that they could be nightmares

and people could give me a dirty look. What's the fun of that? That's a fucking fun. No, no. It's annoying as shit. But I understand some people don't have help and they don't have relatives. I don't have help on relatives. I have help three nights a week.

She comes in three days from nine to fucking. to that's the help I got 15 hours a week I love her my daughter loves her she's been there since day one yeah I got no complaint that's all I got I can't we don't go out on dates well you really should we do shit together with the baby I know but you guys should one of those nights that the girl comes you really should we don't have her at night why don't you ask her if she's a fair she doesn't she does something else you and 57 years old she's 50 fucking seven years old but you and your wife weren't really that kind of like your date night was like yoga at the YMC

Yeah, it wasn't, you guys have fun just hang out. Yeah, as long as you're doing stuff by your, you know, as long as she's not complaining and you're doing fun stuff together, then that's great. We always do fun stuff. We've been doing a lot of fun stuff for years, especially once we moved out of Hollywood. That was the biggest armpit of civilization. Once you get out of Hollywood, you live like a normal human fucking being.

Once I moved up here, everything changed in our relationship. I even thought I quit in fucking comedy. I thought I quit in comedy. I don't want to go into Hollywood no more. You thought you were going to, or you, did. I thought I wanted to and I took a piss test at the Ford Place and I failed it for marijuana. What do you mean you're going to sell cars? Yeah and the podcast world started and I started doing a podcast and here I am five years later. I was really good. I would do movies that they call me for a movie

a TV show but to go around the country carrying your luggage to argue with people about what they're going to pay you and a plane ticket and you know I just I just that's not what I want to do at the time. Because I hear it a lot because I've been talking with more comics and I've been working with some of them. And I hear that from some of them, are you happy now that you got through it, that you didn't do that? Are you happy? They didn't quit.

I don't think I would have ever quit. I would have still done stand-up locally. I would have still done all that shit. It was just, I didn't want to go out. I didn't want to go out every week. I don't think going out every week is what I ever wanted to do. Right. I don't ever want to do that.

I enjoy doing stand-up. How many, how, like, what is your schedule? I have to tell. I have to tame Justin now. Yeah. Like I've had to have little talks with him a couple times. With Chelsea lately ending, I was like, okay, yeah, give me a lot of weekends. But then, you know, it's so hard though because, like, for example, I'm like, absolutely not the weekend before Halloween.

That is my Halloween carnival at St. Mel's, my school. And the kids are getting older. I only have so much time left. So I'll know on that. And then, and absolutely no for Halloween. Okay? Halloween's at a Friday. or not. Will this offer for a really, a really great one-nighter college Saturday, the day after Halloween?

That's not bad. So I said, all right. So I'm taking a red eye, trick-or-treating. I'm trick-or-treating, and then I'm taking a red-eye to Boston. What college in Boston? It's, well, then I have to drive 50 miles, but we figure that's a better way to do it than, like, you know, I'd rather do direct and get a car. No, it's Providence, the Catholic School in Providence. Okay. Or Catholic University. I think it is.

But it's a Catholic university. So, but you know, it's like, what am I going to do, you know? Every gig is like, okay, that's a half a year of school because I pay for all private Catholic school. And like I'm always just thinking like, and I'm always thinking, what if they stop asking? So I can't turn anything down. But at the same time, I'm not losing, I'm not missing Halloween. No, no, no, no, no. My youngest kid is eight.

Like, there's only so many more. I got three weeks not told. Hang out. But I'm home for Halloween week. Yeah. I got three weeks in October. Then I'm home for Thanksgiving. Right.

But I'm boogie Friday morning. I come back Sunday morning. Yeah. After Thanksgiving. I buggy Friday morning. I already got my ticket out of Burbank right to feed us and right. I usually do fly home early on Sunday. Yeah.

No, no, that's the thing. Listen, they want you to go out on. I have been around. I hate it when they say come in on Wednesday. I told him the other day that to tell people that's his job. I'm like, it's too long of a time for me to be a long. Two job. Yeah.

Too job. Too job. Yeah. Too much. Thursday morning or cancel the week. I'm okay. Cancel the week. If we can't do Thursday morning, cancel the way.

It's okay. I always do Thursday because Thursday does help the week's out. Right. It does help the week's out. It's like a week just to get my rushed out. So then you do all the press Friday but not the press Thursday. No, and I told them, what am I going to do? To get on a plane for press one thing on Thursday?

I know. It's all the down to it. It's one thing. I know. That kills me. I want to go to Billy. No, no, no. No, call me.

Philly was the worst. Yes. Some kid to come in with a video. Some Jewish kid. Oh, he gets a thousand hits on his YouTube. 130 a year later. Don't ask. I'm not taking a flight the night before.

Don't ask. I did. I'm going to Indianapolis for Bob and Tom in February. That's it. You know, because, listen, when I got here, that was the thing. I like the road. I enjoy the road. But here's the problem with the road, and especially in our situation.

In this business, you have a theatrical agent, you have a commercial agent. You have an attorney. You have a manager. you have a booking agent. Sometimes all those people work together except for your manager and your attorney. But other times, you have a theatrical agent and then you have a booking agent.

Well, this booking agent's job is to book you, and a theatrical agent is to get you a job. Right. So, like this morning, I got to call nine of one. Somebody called me in this morning at 4 at Fox, and they said, you're the guy, but the producers just want to see you today. You booked this, we need you to the 15th.

I called Justin and said, I got to cancel a couple. gigs. He was disappointed. Following me? Because that's his job. But if I let Justin book me, he'll book me straight. Here's the problem. I got a wife that I don't want to lose. I got a child. I don't want to lose. Wait, so did you get the job? I won't know until

tomorrow or Wednesday. The point being that everybody has jobs. I know. Justin's thing is the job. Now, let me tell you something. Last week, and this is my main man right here, he'll tell you. I went eight weeks in a row. That's a lot. Seven of those. eight weeks, I had to drive to LAX.

Now, what I do is, I get the fuck out of here four in the morning because that's what you have to do. If you're not going to leave Wednesday night, you've got to take American Airlines 601 to get you to Miami at 3 or New York at 2.30. Right. That's what you got to do. So I don't mind doing that because when I get to the airport, there's nobody there. I get parking right in front of the elevator. Right. But what happens is I know guys that work 52 weeks a year.

But Heather, this is what they do. And this is what they're going to do to the clubs go, this is what you're making. then they got to look around. I built a resume in this town, and so did you. I built an acting resume that was always very important to me. Right. Because one day when I'm 50-something, I don't want to do this. Somebody's going to call me in to be a dad.

One of these young comics is going to get a deal, and they're going to go, I want Diaz to be my dad. Right. And even then I'll go out and perform, but I never saw the wisdom of 52 weeks on the road. Yeah. I never saw it except not seeing it. I do things here.

Yeah. I have a career here. Even the podcast is done on Monday and Wednesday, night or Monday and Wednesday mornings. I like it like that. If I have to break that thing for some road, this is the catalyst. This is what brings people to the shows. This is what gets

us talking. So this is the most important thing on my fucking manning. Second is the road. Third is theatrical. But in reality, I have a family. I have a wife. I go to Jitsu. I'm trying to lose weight. These are all things I'm trying to write a book like you did. These are all things that you have to do

and that 52 weeks are not going to work. Yeah, but you know what's great is. said, you know, I was, when I hung out with you and I was doing stand-up, and then I got married at 30, and I kind of didn't do it, not because, like, I didn't want to, but first of all, I would have had to change my act. My whole act was about dating. And I had a really awful experience at Ha-ha's Comedy Club. Down the corner. Yeah. And what happened was, I invited some friends, as I always did, because every show was a fucking bringer's show, and I could bring him. But I had some friends,

classy friends, ordered food, got a table. It was not a big, crowd. I basically brought the crowd. And he kept pushing me and bumping me and bumping me. And finally I went to him and I said, do you know what I'm going to go? He's like, I don't know. And I said, well, do you know who I am? I'm Heather. I brought these people. We talked on the phone. Not do you know how I am. I'm Reith Witherspoon, you know? And he's like, don't you talk to me like that. And I said, fuck it. I was told my friends. I go, I'm not going on. I'm so sorry. Let's leave. And I said, I think I'm done with stand up. And I did not do it again for seven years. because of the fucking ha-ha cafe.

But I just was like, I didn't care. I was like, I can't do this anymore. I can't beg people to come and then have someone and know that I'm the funniest one. And I'm watching the other people go ahead of me that are killing the crowd. And I have Catholic guilt that these people got a sitter to come see me. And this asshole won't even let me up. I'm like, I can't take it. It's too much.

I just want to do stand-up. And I never got to the place where I had regular spots and could do really well or even make any money. Always like, oh, here's 50 here. you know, 100 there was. Now, we were the same manager originally. Jeff. Now, he got you a deal. He got you a great deal.

Were you booking stuff with him? No, he got me, like, you got me that Larisus Lounge show, and I had two development deals with him, and a couple, like, guest spots and stuff. But then once I had the baby, I had my first son, and he was totally not into me. Like, he lost interest. Like, I was like, hey, I've lost the weight.

Can we look into getting me a commercial agent? And so then I finally like I just said, hey, I think it's like happens sometimes. The manager, it's like a boyfriend. They just kind of like lose interest and you kind of need someone new to get excited about you. If you could sign with Jeff again, would you sign with Jeff again for how much of a hustling it was for us? No, no, no, no, but I'm saying somebody like him. Oh, no, back then it was the best choice. It was the best choice.

He was a bad little motherfucker dog. He was the best choice. Like I had, yeah. I signed with him. You know why I signed with him? Because I heard this story about Jimmy Schubert going out when I'm getting fucked up and going to a producer session. and blowing the auditioning, Jeff got him in again the next day.

And that's my, that was Jeff. I miss Jeff. Yeah, Jeff was good. Jeff put me in such a level. Like, I wasn't ready for Jeff. Yeah. When I was with Jeff, you know, the thing that Mr. Getland did that...

He was a hustler. He was a hustler. I went out for fucking projects that I didn't have a chance in the hell. But it brought my confidence up. It brought my game up. Because of Jeff, I learned to act. You know, because of Jeff, Jeff used to, you know, we were back here 15 years ago

when you went on three theatrical auditions in a day. Yeah. I used to go to three commercial auditions a day. Yeah, you made 100 grand here 20 years ago with commercials because you booked two commercials, you made 100 grand, guys. It was that fucking easy. Jeff got me into, oh, my God, I remember Jeff got me into this shit I see now on TV 10 years later.

I go, Jeff got me in for that, and it was horrible. all. Like when they all look at you and go, thank you for coming in. That was great. Like that type of shit where you know you Bob. You know what you know when you did poorly is when they're obsessed with your parking validation. When they're like, okay. Thanks so much, Joey. Do you have the valid? Is he validated? Make sure that he has, do you park in front or outside? If you have the job, no one talks about your fucking parking validation. You, you walk out and you figure it out on your own. Oh my God. I went to so much. And then the last year I was with Jeff, everything was, you're on hold, they're coming to see you. Yeah.

Oh, my God. And then I wouldn't get it. The movie with the fucking, I mean, it was like six of them. Travolta was doing a movie. I went in there. I read with him and Billy Gardell. They were interested. All of a sudden he goes and does a Scientology movie.

Then I went for the one with, the black one with what's blade when he fought, Ving Rhames, undisputed. they even came to see me at the Laugh Factory they called Jeff fucking nothing then one movie I went to see and she really liked me she didn't book me but she gave me analyze that

that was like the last thing I got with Jeff that was the last and he told me I don't even want to commission you because I'm in Vegas already type shit but if it wasn't for Jeff I would have never learned how to audition

because Jeff just didn't give a fuck he used to say someone wow shit you should send this link to him because this is nice Oh, no, I still talk to him because every time I see him, I thank him. He was really, really motivated. It was good. He really helped me. Well, I said I never really had someone care about me like that after him. No, he really cared about it because we always had conversations.

How do you find people like that? Because I'm sure there's people listening who want to be actors or comedians. What's the process like of getting a manager or an agent? It's not like it was back then. It definitely isn't. Well, with Jeff, it was like I had a different manager. this woman who used to manage Margaret Cho and I could tell I stayed with her about a year or too long she was you know like I knew when I finally spoke up and was like I just think you're not into it anymore

she was in some weird thing called the form have you heard of the form it's like a poor man Scientologist and you take classes and it's like an L.A. thing Oh the form? Yeah okay like yeah and all that kind of stuff I was like hey maybe then like she was a caterer I'm like maybe I should find someone else And one time when I was with her, Jeff was an agent, I think at Abrams or something. And so I met him and she goes,

I don't like him. And he seems like he wants to be a manager. Well, he did. So he left Abrams. And then I just remembered him. And somehow I called him and I met with several people. And went back and forth. And I just knew that he was like the most hungry

and the most into it. And I just needed that. So it was a really good choice. I would get called from him at a quarter to 11. I was out and I get calls from his office and go, Jeff, yeah, I just got you an audition. Jeff, it's 10.30. I just got out the phone with the producers.

They're going to rewrite the role for you. I mean, Jeff was like that. Jeff did something that I never seen nobody else do. Jeff, one time he goes, Joey, what are you doing Tuesday night? He goes, I got you a showcase with the writers from, I don't know, it was a big show at the time. Well, remember we would, you were like, he put the whole showcases together.

With like me, Jimmy, you. CAA got me in that one time because of... Sunda. Sunda. Sunda. Sunda Conquest. Yeah. The kid that does the game show that opens up for Doug Benson. Theo Vaughan?

Oh, wait, no. He got him a game show. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Wait, wait. What was his name? Grant Ellwood. Yes, Grant Ellwood.

Elwood was on a game show for five years. Bought a house in L.A. We were going to go on a date, and he canceled to go to some, like, K-Rock party and I just said just forget it and he goes whoa why can't we need to reschedule

I said if you're gonna go the K-rock like Val- no it wasn't Valentine's it some K-Rock vest day I was like oh forget it you're an idiot

they used to call our things Batman's villains yeah that's what they called Jeff Gettling's management company like his crew Batman's villains it was random

but he had a good like mix like no one was the same that's for sure you know no he was very smart But the thing I noticed that he did to me that I saw one day was I had to do something. And I went to his office. You had to park in the mall and run through the buildings. Right, go through Ann Taylor.

It was Avenue of the Stars. Yeah. Dirty-something Avenue of the Stars. And I went upstairs one day and he goes, I'm happy you're here. I was just going to call this guy. And he got on the phone. He was like, hello, was this? Just like this.

He goes, hello, was this Lisa yet? No, this is assistant. I tell him Jeff Gettl's on the phone. May I ask what this pertaining to his show? It was like a big show on ABC, like Darwin Greg or something. Yeah. He goes, how are you doing at, Jeff Gettling, whatever the name of his company was? He goes, listen, I was looking at your ratings on ABC.

The last two years, you slipped from 70% of this, blah, blah, blah. And he just started dropping numbers, guys. You've dropped to 22% in the male from 32 to 28, and the male oriented and the women. And he just started, he goes, now, I got this one kid, Joey Diaz. He could be a garbage man. He could be whatever you want. I suggest you're right. come up, watch him, and put them on your show.

You're not going to be sorry because he's a comedian and he's going to fall into the 28 to 32 pattern. Guys, it was fucking brilliant. And the next day, they went to see me, and I blew the spot and it was too dirty. But he fucking stopped them to see me, guys. He had me up for stuff. I'm telling you, he had me up for stuff

I wasn't even in the realm for. I wasn't even on the radar for. He would talk them into stuff. Do you think he misses, like, that he's, He doesn't do that now in Vegas that he has a, let's tell our listeners at home. He has, he runs Tony and Tina's writing. That's a show. He sold it or something happened.

He sold the rights, but maybe he just collects a check, a big check. Now he does. He goes to different resorts and he provides entertainment. Okay. So he'll go to the Bahamas and say, what do you do on Tuesday nights? Why don't you use my karaoke guy? We'll fly him down here, give him a room paying him $22 and give him a coconut. What are you doing on Monday?

That's why don't you do stand-up comedy. I'll get you the best comedians. That's what he does. He provides a whole show for them. He'll come and say, how about Circus De Soleil, the Michael Jackson edition? That's what he does, Jeff. Jeff was that type of manager.

I remember one night he picked me up for lunch, and he goes, do you mind if I pull over? I got to make a call. And he got into Judy Brown's ass. He hung up on her. He called her a bitch. It was fantastic. It was fantastic, but he committed.

See, today I went through. I went to an audition today, all right, when they called me, and I asked the guy, what time did I have to go in? Because I'll call my agent and set it up. My agent knows, listen, dude, do me a favor. Don't put me on an audition at fucking 3.30. Talk him out of it. Tell him something.

What do you think he calls back with 4 o'clock? Wait, what's wrong with 3.30 or 4? Do you want to driving that traffic? Would you send your mother on that traffic? Yeah, for an audition, I would. Yeah, leave the two and get there. Fuck that. From the Valley to Fox.

I say whatever. So, I listen, I just read. do it without the traffic. All right. That's just me. You want to strong Joe Diaz, get them in their 1115, and watch them rock the house. But at four, I'm thinking about the traffic going back. I can't follow. Okay? It's like if I said to you, Heather, you're going to shoot a Justin Tim Blake movie, and you're going to shoot this thing. And also in Chelsea calls and says, you've got to tape at 6. Even though you're shooting at 8 in the morning, you're thinking about Chelsea. You don't want to be late. I don't like shooting what we

When we did Chelsea, we couldn't do stuff. I understand. But you understand once you do that, I don't want it. It's like if you have to do something at four and you've got to be here at six, now you're not going to give me what you got because you're thinking about the clock. It's an hour drive to Joe Diaz is at six. I don't like doing shit with a gun to my head. People call me from Monday night's box.

So what if they say, that's the only time the producers are meeting. Go see it, but that's my point. But when I got there today, people going at 1 o'clock. That's my fucking point. So I should have gotten that one. You understand? And me knowing, if he would have called me the agent straight and said four o'clock, I would have gone on that one, me knowing, you know, how it worked, 1.30.

You know what I get back from. The session is from like 12 to 1.30. Right. Get there. And then you get there, you get there. Yeah. Yeah, but I wouldn't go at four. I still made it home by 530.

I'm not complaining. Yeah, but this could be a big thing, right? Sure. But I'm not, I don't know. So hopefully. Listen, how many big things you've run into the last 20 years a lot. No pun intended. Yeah.

What's your fucking problem over there? Talks suck. Everything all right? My problem is that don't eat me, but since it is Monday. All right, let's do a little Tony Bennett here for the masses. Have it looking beautiful today. Have a McDonald's. Thank you. Well, Tony Benefit, the Soothe.

Oh, okay. I want to be around. This is the end of the show now? No. To the middle. God, wait, it's already 905. I'm going to have to go through. I'm doing a very important show tomorrow.

I'm doing comics on Leach tomorrow. I don't know. I don't know. You saw more tickets from this fucking show than that comics unleashed. I know, but I said yes. How many people watch Comics Unleashed? Four. And that includes the producer and the fucking AD.

Oh, my God. A fuck out of you, Comics Unleased. Coming to the state. He's been seeing on Comics Unleased. Really? Get the fuck out of it. You're on the fucking church of what's happening. Comics Sun Leased at NBC.

I've got to be in Century City at 9 a.m. tomorrow. From Woodland Hills. Not Century City, Culver City. worse. You fucked up. You fucked up. You should have told him. I'm not going to, I'm at the Mac.

I got to do shit in the morning. It's a show about sports. And then they want you to say a... What show is about sports? So Heather, tell us how you hate traffic. Yes, I know. Oh, my God. I hate traffic because...

Get the fuck out of you. I know what it is. I'm a fucking comic, bitch. I segway, what the fuck I want? What the fuck do you want? How many times have you fucking made somebody laugh? Fucking, whatever his fucking name is, Elfalfo, whatever's fucking name is Buckwheat.

The fuck out of my face. All right. Well, that's what I'm doing tomorrow morning. Anyway. You know, I love you. Heather, I haven't seen you. I'm excited. What the fuck? I want to give you a hug. You know, the flying juice here. What's going on with you, Cogsucker? How are you feeling? How's you? You look beautiful. Thank you.

Heather, he was 60 pounds heavy a month ago. He lost one on the treadmill. He's going to drop another 100. He's not stopping to it. It looks like the Hiv patient. You know what's going to look like. What about you? What about you? What's your deal? You know me, dog. I lost 100 pounds. I got to drop another 100. Yeah. I just had knee surgery, though.

What about celebrity, biggest loser? Would you do it? Fuck, no, I'm not a celebrity. I'm a stand-up comic. So what? I'm just saying it comes down. They ask you, you're going to get $100,000 no matter what, just to be on it. No, no, not to fucking walk around. 50 towards your favorite charity.

No, no. And you could lose weight in the end. No, I don't want to do it. And it's just three weeks of filming. I'm not interested at all. Well, you're crazy. First, I'm not a celebrity. I'm a stand-up comic fucking podcast slash actor.

I don't know about being a celebrity. Doesn't matter. Do you know, whenever they use celebrities on those smaller shows, they know, no I want to do nothing. I'm very happy driving two blocks right here hanging out with him and doing this. I would like to judge the Miss Universe contest. I'm going to put it out there.

I'm going to secret it. I would love for you to judge. I would love for you to participate in. I would also like to judge a food show. I would love for you to eat some food. Guess what I'm doing Wednesday night? Judging a mixology event. Does it pay?

That's fun. Does it pay? No, what it's for charity and I get to drink nine different cocktails. What kind of charity is? You do a lot of charity. Covenant House. That's a good one. It is a good one.

I remember we used to do. stuff in high school for it. It's been around forever. You're born and raised, California. Yeah, in Woodland Hill. And you're having a sister. Your sister was the top DUI attorney 20 years ago. She is still a good DUI attorney, but she lives out in Palm Desert.

She used to represent the stars years ago, correct? She had a couple fucking stars and shit. She didn't. One, I can't remember the comic, but one guy, the comic was driving me home. I can't remember his name. Talking to the mic. I'm sorry. She would remember who the comic is.

And he was driving me home, and he got pulled over, and he was a crying. And so I call my sister And she did all this stuff for him God, his last name was gold Something gold, what? Isn't that the whole point of a lawyer, client privilege or confidentiality? You should know all about this.

15 years ago, I don't know, 20 years ago. So, now, she's a very good attorney. Shannon Goldstein. Don't ever take the breathaly. Don't ever take the breathalyzer. If you know your buzz. Just say, it's fine, take me in. Take the fucking license, rip it up.

No, take me in and do a blood test because she can fight a blood test a lot easier than she can have breathed. And it gives you time until you're tested. A little bit. Yeah. It's just a very, it's an easier one to, you know, defend because it's not a perfect science. Like the breath of life is a pretty good.

Then you had another sister that was a stage mom at the time. Yes. And all three is a fucking all tense. All three kids today are all. No, all three kids today are gorgeous. I'll show you a picture. All three women? No, the adults.

One is a boy. Well, he's 27. Oh, my children? No, your sister's. What are you talking? My sister's children are hot. Forget your sister. I don't want to see your sister's kids.

I'm talking about you, your sister, and the other sister. All three is a fucking tense. And also, next time I'm watching, looking at the Brady Bunch. Okay, sorry. Yes, we are all attractive and our kids are all attractive. Thank you. Fucking sad.

Look at that wrist. I'll bite that motherfucker until nothing's left. You know what I'm saying? You got a cute wrist. Thank you. Bye. can get you on celebrity. Biggest loser.

I can't because I got felonies, and that's what they ask you on that fucking sheet of paper. Have you been convicted of a felony? It was over fucking 10 years ago. You know, I haven't been a felony. Has that happened with commercials, too? No.

But I've done the paper. So I just did it like a Macy's commercial, and they said, they asked if they had any felonies. No. They're firing people all the time. We just got fired from Geico for the Adam Sandler's buddy from the Gigolo.

Schnaeder just got fired. Why? One of his views on something. His views on something, I don't even know what the news was. Yeah, when it's a big product, they do really, which is something to consider, like, as fun as it is to write fun stuff on Twitter. And I have to admit, I am a little bit more careful because I'm like, God, I would hate to miss out. Do I what? Do you let your kids do it? Because I can't imagine. My kids do what? Be on YouTube or Facebook writing stuff. Like, all this stuff. My daughter was, she is on Instagram. but she doesn't, like, write anything.

Like, she just sort of follows people. But, yeah, one time she was, I found her stuff, like, two years ago. And she was, like, one of those people that would, like, almost like a Bieber fan, like somebody that would, like, write other people that hated on someone she, and I was like, I said, listen, girl, like, this is, you're super lame right now. Like, you can't do this. But it's forever. It's not even just lame.

Like, what if you say something stupid, like a joke to a celebrity about, a comedian about the Holocaust or something? And then 20 years later, you can't get a job because they Google you and the word Holocaust comes up. But as a celebrity too, like, you know, and writing your jokes and stuff. Sometimes you, you know, it's like, oh, making fun of some new, like a dumb show on TV. Like, this show's so lame. The next day, you might go in and get an audition for it. And it's like, so, you know, there's some things where it's like, okay, I thought of a really good joke.

But is it worth it to hopefully get 42 retweets? No, it's probably not. Like, I really do trying to think, you know, is it too edgy or could it hurt me in some other job? thing and some people might be like you're a pussy or your sellout I don't care like I would be I would be so bummed if I said something mean and then missed out on something huge yeah I've heard that some people checked with them they check a lot of social media yeah a lot of YouTube and stuff like that you know with me the proof isn't the fucking pudding it's already out there I can't retract it I know when you do a job now

they give you a whole sheet of paper on social media and some TV shows want you to fucking around and some are like don't even mention it. I don't do anything. I don't mention it. Nobody needs to know I'm on the set of anything. I'm surprised that... Never. Teams allow athletes? Athletes are always getting in trouble. I'm surprised they allow them

to be on it? Well, now, no. But I'm talking about when you do a job now, when I did the Nickelodeon shows, whatever, Super Ninjas, they did a background check because a guy from Nickelodeon got caught in that sting, that sexual sting years ago. Okay, right. I had

Felonies. They still gave me the job. I shot three fucking episodes. I've shot Disney X-D. I've shot everything. Well, you're saying it had nothing to do with kids or that. No, as long as you don't do with kids. That's it. It could be drugs or something 20 fucking years ago. You want to judge me on that. Go ahead. I don't want to fucking be around you anyway. That's the way I look at it, to be honest with you. You know, everybody talks about second chances in this. We're very, we're very selective who we give second chances to. You know, for some people, this guy gets it, but this guy don't. I was just thinking about it at the end. that day. OJ's off the fucking hook. He is? He must be at home going. 20 years. You got a jail?

No. Ray Rice is the new poster boy. Oh, okay. So he ain't a poster boy. He's at homegoing. It took me 20 fucking years to get out the domestic violence fucking poster. I'm off it finally.

That's the truth. Took him 20 fucking years. 94 he killed that poor girl. So we forgive where we want to forgive. You know, we have selective memories. Mike Tyson raped fucking a bitch. And go to the airport. Women are kissing them.

Women are kissing them, waving, hugging him. You know, I'm, I'm nothing against Mike Tyson. You know, it could have been a setup, whatever the fuck it was. We forgive what. Like, here's a thing. Like, you know, what about Woody Allen? Like, a lot of people have big problems with the reality. Because God forbid, you get the Woody Allen movie.

Would you do a Woody Allen movie? Would you? Yes. Okay, so would I, I guess. I don't know. I don't know. But I think it's, I mean, it's interesting when people say, oh, you know. We all forget.

And then I'm like, well, maybe people out a certain level have the luxury of saying, I'll never work with this person again because of this or whatever. And other people don't. Like, you know. I wake up in the morning. I have a thought in my heart. I put it on fucking Twitter regardless. It's nothing hurtful.

No. I just write some crazy shit. I write some crazy shit on Facebook. You know, it's who I am. The worst thing is when a guy like me goes on stage, there's five minutes and looks at people and they're getting up. You know, because they got offended. Now I don't have that problem.

You come to the show. You hear this. You come to the fucking show. You know what you're going to hear. So I'd rather that happen. But as far as Twittering, and all that stuff. Yeah, they're looking at it before they give you a job.

Absolutely. And it's kind of crazy. It's not for us yet, but we just had Rogan on the show, the last show. Every episode of any podcast he has, there's an article where they just transcribe it, what he said. I can't even, I can't imagine having to worry about what I'm saying on here. Granted, no one cares, but if, like, you had to worry about something you were going to say, it's like, it's... I don't worry, though. But he doesn't worry, though.

I mean, Joe Rogan doesn't worry, right? Right. But it's great. great that someone's writing that. That's going to make people want, you know, and he's at a level where it won't, you know, it's not going to matter. He doesn't want to do it. He doesn't care. Nobody wants

to go to him, he doesn't want to. When he got that sleeve, so he never had to work again. When he got those sleeves done, that's why Fox make them use the long sleeve shirts. When he got that sleeve, so his manager would never call him again with that. His manager worked him to the end of fucking time if he let him.

Work him to the end of the end. End of time. So now is he happy or not? Yeah, he's at the UFC. He does two weekends a month. They take him to Australia. They take him to London. Whatever the fuck he wants to do.

He books a comedy show on Friday. He does the UFC. He's got two shows in syndication. I don't really think he needs for much. He doesn't, yeah, he's not dying to do a hot new sitcom. But he was never. But the thing about him was one thing I learned about him was that he was never, I don't know how to describe it. He never.

walked around with his nose wide open. And that's something I learned from him that, you know. With your nose wide open? I've never heard that expression. Like desperate, like a fucking desperado. Like, you know, I can't do this, I can't do. You do what you do. And every day somebody is apologizing.

You know, we're comedians. If you take what a comic takes seriously, then you should be shot in the fucking head. Right. You know, but if you listen to a politician, you guys listen to a politician saying, it doesn't really matter. I mean, everybody works this business differently. Yeah. You know, and I remember doing a podcast

and somebody one time, and I Twitter, and they called me up and they go, hey, I can't believe you wrote that. I go, the podcast went from number 90 and I'm number 11. So, you know what I'm saying? So it's not what you say, it's how you say it sometimes. I'm not going to say something hurtful about somebody, you know, they had a bad experience at a restaurant. I'm not going to yelp it or fucking go to Twitter or something.

Right. So my thing is what I feel. Right. The reason why I say those things is so everybody else goes away. I don't want no Christians fucking around me. I don't want to know people that don't belong. You know what I'm saying? Everybody has their own audience.

You follow what I'm saying? Yeah. Every ass has a seat. That's what makes this world so special. I don't want you lurking around if you're going to get offended. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. If you dated a guy and you went for his cock and he got offended,

would you call him back at him? You follow what I'm saying to you? And I've heard a story. I remember a girl in high school once I was talking on one. After high school, I bumped into it. I go, you've been, and she was crazy, beautiful. Yeah. And I go, you've been dating later?

She goes, Coco, I went on a date with this guy. Three times I date him, never even asked me to fuck him. Finally, the third date I had to attack him. She goes, he had a little dick. I couldn't even say, I mean, she was telling me all this. And I'm thinking how she was telling me this. It sounded, that's the first time I heard of, that's the first time I heard of women talk like three guys would talk.

So, and how she got turned off because she had to attack the guy. You know, so I was just. But so then did she have sex with the little penis? I think she fucked them, but she said she went to suck this dick, and she bounced right back up. She was so embarrassed for him. She just fucked him and went home or something. What are you going to do?

You know what I'm saying? Things are bad all over. ISIS is cutting people's heads off in Ohio. Oh, I reported an ISIS incident. What happened? I'm walking down in my neighborhood, and we, like, live in this area where you can go down the street, and then, like, my son likes to play on this little, like, dirt thing.

It's like a very nice, you know, residential, neighborhood. So I walked by and there's a place you could park there and if you want to go on the hike. And there's like this big black SUV and this Middle Eastern woman talking to this middle eastern guy. Well now, you know, we live in the valley. There's tons of Persian. So that doesn't like alert anything. But she's smoking a cigarette and it's like freaking the driest brush. So I just felt, I almost was like really, do you mind not smoking a cigarette like in the freaking drought here? And just then the guy goes to her, you don't understand ISIS is liberating. That's the sentence I heard last week.

So I'm like, oh, my God. What the fuck is he talking about? So I walk by, and then this cute guy comes out of his house, this English guy with his little four-year-old. And I go, I just heard this guy, first of all this girl's smoking, near the brush. And he just said, ISIS is liberating. And he's like, are you kidding me? And I go, well, don't you think we should call? He goes, I just moved here two days ago from Studio City.

Kids were smoking pot in that same area last night, and now there's fucking terrorists. He's like, what's going on? I'm like this normally like a really nice neighborhood. So I get my, with my daughter and my son, and I get my daughter's phone because I didn't have mine, and I call 911. First of all, I think this should be a way that you can text 911 because I was like whispering and she couldn't hear me.

And I really need to just go, this is the information. So I said, hey, I'm over in the street and it's, you know, two middle-inastern people are talking about saying ISIS is liberating. She goes, well, there's a lot of people talking about ISIS. And I said, I thought that is what you have been begging people to do is to alert. I am not saying he needs to be arrested and go to Guantanamo Bay today.

I'm saying you might want to send a car over here and question him, don't you think? So then she's like, she's like, hold on. And I'm like, oh, my God. So now I'm like further away because I don't want the terrorists to hear me calling on them. So then the guy, the English guys, I'm like, he's like, no, I think it's good that you're calling. Okay, okay, now I'm going, all right, what does the car look like? I'm like, it's still there, but they're probably going to leave soon. They're going to go down towards the boulevard, so just, you know, maybe stop them.

What's your name? And I'm like, or do you not want to give it? I'm like, no, maybe I don't want to give it. You don't seem very supportive. You don't seem very excited that I called you. You know, people would have called more. Maybe more shit wouldn't have happened. So then they got in the car and they left.

And so I don't know if they ever found, if they were talking about. And other people know it's you. They probably follow. They don't know unless. are listening to this podcast. They're outside. They know you're a crime stopper. You know what I'm saying?

Fucking crime stopper. That's right. So then I said, I told my friends. I said to like, I had like a thread of all my writer friends that I told him. And this guy set back all the emoticons of like, like the guys with like turbans and like the

American flags that are like, good for you, Heather. Heather, you're a fucking trip. You know that. You know I love you, right? Am I an American hero for calling 911? You're the last of the real. the old, you feel. Thank you.

Who's got your children tonight? My husband. He don't mind these bathing them and feeding them and all that shit. Well, they're not, they can kind of bathe themselves now. They're a little old. They're a total performing hope that he's not bathing the 14-year-old daughter. 14, 11, and 8. And 11 is a boy.

Yes. He's very sports-oriented. He's actually really good at baseball and he plays golf. So he's like, my husband has created a best friend, a clone in himself. Okay, and what's the five-year-old? The eight-year-old is. a little more difficult. What's his deal?

He probably has a touch of the ADHD, but he's really smart, but we were just going over math, he was getting really frustrated. I'm like, I think you need to go to Kuman. I think something's happening. What's Kuman? It's like we're Japanese kids learned,

I don't know, they teach you a different way to learn math. My two older kids, my husband was a math major in college, they're really good at math, like so easy. and this one I think got my math gene because even I was like having a little bit of trouble with the third grade work and I was like oh shit you know but he's he's like fun and you know

outgoing he does karate because he couldn't handle competitive sports he was such a sore loser eight year old does karate yes because he was like the worst sore loser you could ever imagine this place near our house in Woodland Hills the guy is amazing I like I sometimes tweet what the guy says it's so inspirational as I'm sitting there what's he said

Like something is like like you know just like things like you know Luck is where opportunity meets preparation like that's not it but stuff like that like stuff where you go wow Is he Chinese? No he's actually from Guatemala. Oh Jesus Christ so you got a Guatemalan karate guy Garadi guy that's amazing. Doing grasshopper lines. Yes he's amazing and it's really just all about like inspiration and being and growing.

And your son's a green belt? Purple. Purple means he does the forms. Yeah he's good at it. Because he throws psychics for Jesus. Yeah. He's pretty good, you know? I like it.

Thank you for taking him to karate. Nobody bullies that motherfucker. No. He gets frustrated. He's a bad dude. He's got the Catholic going through. He's just, yeah, he's just a little more difficult. Every child's different, you know.

I finally got my heaven on earth. You know what? You have your little girl? And she's Irish. I've always dated Irish women. They're the best women on the planet. From the fucking eighth grade on, I was a lover. with those freckles on their titties, you know what I'm saying?

It drives me fucking bananas. A lice in the little nipple with a fucking freckle. This donut is very strong. That's right. What do you think of? Every day he calls me, tonight we're going deep. I got a new cookie. I swear, the new chef, 10 milligrams.

Later, I'm going to find out I had 7,700 milligrams. I gave me 20 milligrams. Oh, so not true. Let me give some shout out of it. Okay. Go. Then we'll talk about it. I'll get them out of it.

9501. I love you, cocksucker. Danny Lyon, the complete pull-out. He's for men. I love you, Danny Lyon. Always trying to help me out.

René and Carson came out for the shows in New York, that bad motherfucker. Arvarado Ramirez, I love you. M.J. Rivera, keep it up. Nesta Vasquez.

Hunan, Kazam. I don't know if this is a real name, whatever. Leon. All right. You're over there in German. Fucking holding it down,

cocksucker. I love you. the dead too. Now those are just like what? Like super fans that you say that you'll do it or what? No, these are guys that, you know, I know, they tweet, they Facebook. Oh, that's nice. Some guy sends me an email.

Some mom hit me up, call the daughter. The daughter's beautiful. She's like 13. She wants me to call up and call her a cocksucker and shit because she's sick. So, you know. What? Wait. She's fucking crazy.

The 11, the 13-year-old sick? A little 13-year-old girl. Was cancer? and her mom says call her up and call her a cocksucker? Something crazy, real cute girl. Girls go crazy when he talks to them. Like, we've been at Denny's, and this poor waitress who's probably worked for 27 years at Denny's, it's the end of a 14-hour shift, and he's calling her a savage.

He's saying, you're sexy, you're going to go get some dick, and there's, like, four comics getting milkshakes at one in the morning. He's torturing this poor lady. You got to compliment these women. Nobody compliments. But, bro, let me tell you something. I do have to say it's always very flattering to be talked to by Joey. Guys, listen, man, my mom used to fucking, my mom used to let me get away of murder.

One thing she didn't let me get away was the treatment of women. She didn't like it. She fucking didn't like it. Like, if one day she saw women giving us cupcakes, and we all took the cupcakes off the dish. My fucking mom ran out there and grabbed me by the fucking ear and almost twist it all. And she goes, you turn around, you bite that cupcake. and I don't care if it tastes like dick. You tell that woman the fucking,

it's the best cupcake you ever tasted. You know why? Because she was probably having a bad day and she wanted to brighten your day. Now you're going to brighten her fucking night. Wait, was it not a good cupcake? No, something about it. We all threw the cupcakes away.

Oh, that's awful. My mother jumped the fence and almost beat me. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I would have been making, well, I can't, when we go to anything, now, like, we're going to someone's party or even like, we go to these amazing things

that, you know, the kids have to realize, like, you have to behave, you have to be delightful. Like, you look, you're my kids. So, like, you know, so we're, so I, this is why I say to my 11, like, we get in the car and I go, hey, here's a thing. If you don't like the way something tastes, you get a napkin and you throw it away. You don't hand it to me while I'm talking to somebody. Like, I'd be like trying to someone like, mom, like, just, I'm like. Tastes like, this is gross.

And, like, one time my son was so rude at this one charity thing for AIDS. kids. Kids with AIDS and my little Brett didn't like... It was kids it was to help kids with AIDS and it was like a fair so we brought the kids and he walks right and the lady's like oh no you want a pink hot dog? I'm like sure and for some reason he didn't like the way the hot dog tastes he's such a pricky little prick and he was like this hot dog's disgusting and I'm like oh my god

you know this kid's dying of AIDS here and you're like complaining about the hot dog just such a little shit I'm like you're never coming again just taking the younger one I'm leaving you at home. And so now they get it. I'm like, you are never allowed to say the words, I'm bored or this is annoying or this tastes gross, ever when we're at a party or someone's house. Because that is just horrifying.

I'm glad your mom took your ear and twisted it. My mom used to look at me when I was like six. I'm going, what do you think about that lady? I'd be a kid. I don't know. No, no, no, no, look at it. What do you find nice about her? And I'd say her hair or something.

And she'd go, go over and tell her. I go, no, I'll give you $10. Go over and tell how pretty the fucking hair looks. And as a young kid, I'd go over and see what it did to them. It's just something simple. And my mom would say, don't pick something that somebody else is looking at. That's going to pick something that they're completely nobody's going to compliment them on. And they're going to fucking die.

My mom would always ask me questions. You know who does that too? Did she know that she was creating such a little charmer? No, I think that she just wanted me to have that. Like when I was young, she'd say, you know. That's sweet. That's really cute. What would you do to her?

Like, it's just fucking crazy. Shit. My mom was up. And once she found out, she goes, you like dark chicks, don't you? And then when I got older, she goes, she liked those white chicks, don't you? I could see her already. You fucking love them. So did your fucking father.

You know who does that too? Sam Trippily does that. Like, when I saw him this weekend, every girl, how beautiful, how you doing? You have to talk to, you know? Listen, man, man, I don't know. There's something about, I can tell when a woman has worked really hard. Yeah. Really nice.

and just that nothing sexual like just something you know like Chelsea Hanler wears fucking great shoes like that bitch when she would interview a motherfucker yeah totally you want to jump through the TV

and bite her fucking anger she's got she's got great shoes and great legs fucking does wear great fucking shoes that you're like god damn you dirty bitch I'll chase you around the house

with a whip like pollution in that scene at the end of the raw hide when he's whipping the chick smoking the cigarette he whips this like I don't understand that that's blues brothers whatever the fuck you know I'm confused I'm looking Heather got me all fucked up you know what's that

what's next for Heather McDonald tell me what's cracking okay so any wants you on Chelsea for seven years yes from the beginning no fucking around the day one you weren't no Johnny come later that came later Chelsea is so funny six weeks pre-production yeah this is what I'm talking about yeah what so it's great I'm glad I'm

I really am enjoying like every week week. I like being able to do different things. I mean, it's great. I love my friends, but I don't miss doing the show at all. I'm just happy to, I'm excited. I've been wanting to do different things, and so I was kind of glad that the decision was sort of made for me. What's your ideal utopia? What would you like to do right now? You said something about a food show? No, I want to just eat the food that like a select, I just want it to be like a one-off. I'd like to be like a celebrity chef-taster. Just for one time. No, for my ideal deal thing, I would love. I'd love to be a mom and a sitcom, preferably a show based on myself.

That would, you know, like a traditional sitcom filmed at CBS Radford, because that would be the closest studio in the house. Damn. Right by McDonald's. Oh, love it. It gets heavy, the pizza joint. Yeah. Got the bagel place up the corner of the street.

So the closest one. I mean, unless they're going to build a studio at Warner Center, which I'm imagining is my dream. That's up on. That's even closer to my house. Is that the word on the street? No. I just said that would be amazing if that happened. It's never going to happen.

So that, and I also, I really also do, really love doing the daily topics that we did at Chelsea lately. So I do, you know, I do a lot of different shows and daytime shows and, you know, panel things. And I'm doing that now. And so if there was an opportunity for like an everyday daytime spot, I would love that too. So those are the two ideals. Knowing something, what you want is the most important thing, you know, especially now. You've already been to the Hammond. You got your deals, you've done your stand-up.

Yeah. You spit out the kids. You play the mom's shit. You've done Chelsea. You're ready now. You're ready to fucking fuck Tia Leone and Secretary of the State. You're ready to take show with CBS. I watch that show.

I like her. I've always liked it. She's good. I've always good. She's a good choice for a show like that you believe that she could be in. You know why? You know she's in a movie that she got cut from? She got cut from League of Her Own.

She's in that movie. Oh. They cut average. She must have said something to a director or a producer. No, so that they just cut it for time, and your part's not that big. I know when you get cut for time. I've been both. I've been both, my friend.

I know when you get cut where they cut you because you said something along the way. I know that happened to two people, where they went to the premiere and what happened? They usually call you before and say, I'm so sorry we're barely in this thing. That's Ruth that they didn't call us for. And Ali, he said something when they were in Africa. They heard about it What do you say? I don't know

He said something about Michael Mann You never worked for Michael Mann again See that's my scariest thing Is that like you fucking say something? That is it And then you're screwed yourself I was at the poster And the next they cut me from the poster

They put me out last in the names Why would you do? I got into one of the producers You did? What did you say? It wasn't how he said It was the attitude He had an attitude and I had an attitude

And we called each other on the wrong day I don't give a fuck. By that time, I was six or seven weeks saying, you ain't going to fire me now. I'm rocking this motherfucker, and you're giving me no money. So how can you, you know, come at me that way, especially how I've been a great employee. And I've heard about different situations.

And if you watch Tia Leone and leave her around, they didn't cut her for time. When they cut you for time, they cut a scene, not when they cut you completely out. Every time you see her, she's a fucking extra. That's Tia Leone. She's a fucking extra in that movie. You know, and watch at the end, they put her name like under the fucking grip.

Like, when they put your name under the grip, you piss somebody to the fuck. I have seen that in certain movies where I'm like, wait, that is like a major star who's got nothing going on. Listen, I went to an audition one day. I had a hole in my pants. Didn't know until I was in the car of Fox. I was going in for two and a half. Like right at the dick? Under the dick, like a little hole, like just a teeny fucking hole.

Okay, you look at it when you hit whatever, uh, Hollywood and you go, it's nobody's going to see it. Nobody's going to know what happened. Okay. It's one line at a baseball game on how I met your mother. Okay. Okay? I walk in. As I walk in, their chair has a nail sticking out. There's three women in the room.

This could only happen to me. As I walk in, I go to twist. The nail gets caught in the hole, rips the pants. When I turn around, they all look at it. And I go, did you see the Cuban egg roll? The room is silence, and then they bust. We laughed so hard. Walk, walk, walk, quack, quack, quack.

I didn't bring air conditioning. After that, it was just a joke fest. It was like stealing. We didn't stop laughing for about six minutes. Finally, go, thank you for coming in. As I leave when I walk up halfway up, they go, they just called back. You didn't even read. So by the time I wanted to read, boom, I read and they go, thank you again.

And they laughed. The next day, I booked a job. When I got to the set, they all looked at me like, who is this fucking guy? This isn't who we wanted. Wait, what do you mean? Oh, my God. they treated me like that.

Wait. What do you mean? How I met your mother? Wait, so why did they give you the job if that's not who they want? I don't know. I don't know. You really think it was like a mistake? They thought you're someone else?

It was a mistake. It was a fucking mistake. Did they fire you then? They didn't fire me, but watch the episode. I'm just standing there. And you go, why would you hire him if you're not going to give him a line? That was it. They took my line away and told me to stand to the side.

Wait. Oh, my God. Did you ever find out what happened? No. I bumped into Jason whatever. Segal? Segal. Weeks later. And he was like, man, he were great that day. And I go,

Doug, they cut me. He goes, they kind of did, didn't they? And that was it. We just giggled. I told him he was good in that movie, saving Sarah Blake. That was funny. Forgetting Sarah Silverman? Forgetting Sarah Silverman, whatever. And that was it. That was it. But, guys, I know

what a cut is, and I know when they cut you completely from movies. The longest yard, they, I think, I think I shot like maybe 20-something scenes and the scenes they didn't use were just bad. So I was lucky. I still had great scenes, but I know if it was like three or four scenes, they would have cut me

from the fucking movie. It's amazing, man. It's fucked up how it works. Sometimes you can't throw beef with somebody. This morning I went to walk the baby. I took the baby at quarter to nine. She has a little car, a pink car, put her in his strap. Yeah. I take the pacify. I put her in my pocket. I take the water away. I just I fill hers up with ice cubes and just put like an hour.

of water so it melts. I took her North Hollywood Park and I walked around then I let her loose so I walk her all the way down there then I let her loose through the park so she burns all that energy then when she gets the exercise equipment there's red ant so it's just a moment of time before the red ant together

and when she goes ah that's it's time to go because she's like we gotta get the fuck out of she don't say that but I can see her face because it goes into her sneakers and she ain't got sockbound so her little hand starts to shake so I pick her I put in the pink thing we walk from them, she drinks her water, and then in the other park on the way home, I take her out,

and they were shooting something, right? And I go, what the fuck? And I had her off, for her. I know if I pick her up and put her back in the car, she's just going to throw a fit. So I said, let me walk with her. And she went down this thing. The cop stopped me. He goes, where are you going? I go over to the swings. Fucking cop didn't even know. I said, walk over to the swings, and I walk out there shooting sons of anarchy. And it's Peter Weller and Jack's Teller right there. And I look at both of them,

and they look at me. And I started looking for a Emilio. That's hysterical. And then Rivera and I didn't see him. And they're like, you can't go on the park for it. Is that a problem? I go, no, that's no problem. I just took the baby and rolled and I called Emil and he didn't answer.

I was hoping he was on set, but he wasn't on the fucking scene. Of course it's that show that you wanted to be on. Damn, fucking son's anarchy right there by the pool, right by my fucking house. I'm like, what the fuck? Where's the executive producer, whatever's name is you? I got with the one arm. So it was, uh, it was just great seeing you the other night. As you know, we were both walking around this town confused, 15 years.

years ago with the same manager and I didn't know what happened. I asked around, you know, I stopped going to places. And then I see you on this show fucking being funny and beautiful and glamorous as always. We got to get your glamour show. That's what I said. I love glam. Like places Paris and you go and get glammed up at a spa and then you give a review about the spa. Yes, I'd love that.

And then you go to Monaco and you go to Ibiza and you go to all these fabulous. You could be your first guest. No, it's not for people like me. for people that wear little hats and say amazing and drink mango juice and wear like plaid shirts and shit like that. Yeah, I love it. It's a great idea. They suck the back building, you know, shit like that.

I'm a, I'm a pig. Anyway, let me give a shout out for the sponsors I get you out of here. Okay. You know, I love you, have the mac. You're a sexy motherfucker tonight. First off, I want to talk and talk about hit eSigs.com.

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You should rename doing a favor, doing a flavor. It's like you're doing what Joey would do. That'd be good. Let me ask you something. What? It was the last time I kicked in the fucking liver. Oh, geez. We're Irish.

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To get a razor with fucking cameras on it and fucking, it blows and creams and all that. You don't need that shit. We need this two blades and a close fucking shave. Why are you doing this to yourself? You don't need to drop 200 a month on blades.

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You could do that too. Like a doctor. They are tremendous raises. Last but not least, let me tell you something right now, all right? Huluplus.com. I'm sick and tired of telling you people. Yeah, you get two free weeks. Yeah, it's $7.99 a month.

That's all great. That's a deal you get on TV. I give you two free weeks as a little something from the fucking church. But you could stream anywhere, any place, anytime. My man Lee goes to the Jimmy Brubon. Jimmy brings a movie. What movie you watched today? Man on fire. Man on fucking fire because he went to see the Equalizer yesterday.

Oh, my God. And that was on Hulu Plus. Yes, I believe so. That's what I'm talking about. Tremendous. They have a lot of movies. They have a daily show I watch a lot. What else does he watch on?

They have the Tonight Show. There you go. There you go. And you can binge watch. You want to sit there and watch the whole fucking week. There you go. You smoke a doctor. You got Heather to come over and rub your toes

and tell you about the sushi at Boa, whatever the fuck you. What do you go for sushi in L.A.? What places do you go and see celebrities? and mingle and tell people Lowe is very good So that's steak That's steak Yeah

That's always like a good scene Can you imagine going in with a lie detector test And just every time people talk to you Put a lie detector test on people I was just thinking about You have this project in the works You fucking lied Cocksecrette

Turn around no free state I gotta go honey Where you're going You just got here I wake up at 630 the morning I gotta get up at 6. I gotta be at the heart doctor 7 I put blue ink in my nuts out

Oh Jesus And make sure this I mean you're still working. You know what I'm saying? So relax. I'll drive you downstairs. Where are you going? What are we talking about here?

Hulu Plus. Go to the box and press in. Joey. Joey. And get two weeks for free and then $7.99. And $7.99 a month. Who's better than fucking you? Let me ask you one other question.

Go to Huluplus. com right now. I'm not fucking around. It's a great deal. It's a great service. You can watch it for many streaming device. Roku. Co-cool.

What else? PS3, PS4, PS4, PS9. Do what you need to do. Heather McDonald. Yes. Can I plug. My Hulu?

No, Hold on. I just going to tell you something. It was a pleasure seeing you this weekend. Thank you. You brought back a lot of memories. I've always been very fond,

and I wish you the best. You too. On what you do. We're going to be at the, and there's no lie to take the test here. This is from my balls. I'm going to be at Sacramento Punchline this weekend. This weekend.

Go see her. Then Raleigh. Email her. What's your email? No, I'm not giving my email out. I need your email out. Somewhere they can reach you to tell you where there's no bed bugs in Sacramento. Oh.

If you're a hotel owner, 20% off from my girl, Sarah this weekend show. And Heather, tweet her. 20% off. She'll tweet it. You'll fucking get everybody staying up there. There's bedbugs at certain hotels. And she wants a nice place in Sacramento.

If you know of a nice place, go to Heather McDonald at Twitter and send her a nice place. And a nice spot. And a nice spot. And I can go in the daytime. Breakfast. What do you like for breakfast? What do you like? I like a goat cheese omelet.

That's what I'm talking about. If you got a goat cheese omelette right now, I hope you and your restaurant are burned to death. If you got a goat cheese omel. You understand? I hope your mother gets hit by a fucking truck tonight. And some basil. No, stop.

Yes, that's what I like for breakfast. No. American cheese, nice cut slid with some fucking eggs from some Mexican house. And my wait, can I just plug one more thing? My special. It's on show time. It's on showtime.

I don't mean to brag. So you can get on showtime on demand or find it. And where are you after a week after Sacramento? Raleigh at Good Nights. And do you have a punch? And I'm going to be, oh, I'm going to be in Vegas. South Point? No, at just one night.

October 18th at the Venetian in their all-female show, which is lipstick, and I'm doing it with Jesse May Paluso. The two of us are doing it. And where are you New Year's Eve? I don't have a New Year's Eve date. Just to tell me it's weird and he can't get me a date. Don't do it. Don't do it. Stay home with your family. Well, do you have a New Year's Eve date?

Yeah, you want to do it with me? Well, what's yours? I'm doing the podcast live at 8 o'clock at the ice house. You're home by 1045. No, I don't want to do that. All right, then, then go home by yourself and fuck around with your husband. What are you bothering me for? No, then I'll go to like a party or something. What party?

What? We'll get like a bunch of couples to go to like Chris and rock. Bring them while you take the test with you and see these people. There you go. You're bullshit me. I love you. And I'm very happy. Thank you.

You want to last Catholics in Hollywood. You me and Steve Simone. Oh shit. Hold on. Next Wednesday we invade the laugh factory in fucking Long Beach. Long Beach. And then that Thursday. I'm at Denver.

You're there every two days. The Denver Improv, and then I'm in Baltimore the following week. So next Wednesday at the Laugh Factory in Long Beach, and that weekend I'm at the Denver Improb. Go to tickets right now. I love you guys. Stay black. I love Heather McDonald.

Thank you. Oh, if you go to Lisa.com, he's coupon code, jume down, and I'm giving 10% off my shirts. And Joey, you have shirts right at Joey Diaz. Don't worry about the fucking shirts. Just get off the goddamn shows. You got to go, right? We go.

Do you guys like a two-hour podcast? All right, guys. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for free. Free trial of Hulu Plus, like I said, you can watch on an iPad, any streaming device. You can binge thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to Huluplus.com slash Joey. Or go to Joey Diaz.net and click on the Huluplus banner down at the bottom of the page. Don't forget to sign up for Doll Shaveclub.com.

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