The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #217 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Thursday, December 1st…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by Stamps.com & CBD Lion…   CBD Lion Go to https://www.cbdlion.com Use Promo Code: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH For 20% OFF Your Order!    STAMPS.com Visit https://www.stamps.com & use code JOEY to get a free trial.   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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I've been with them for over 10 years. They got no long-term commitments, no contracts. Just go to Stamps.com. Click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code Joey and your tip-top Magoo. Stamps.com, enter code Joey. The joint is also brought to you by CBD Lion. When it comes to CBD, the lion is the best. They ran a tremendous Black Friday sale with 40% off last week.

week. They still got a sale going on. Delta 8s. The fucking gummy bears, the cream, the kinesiology tape, the bath balls. I mean, listen, CBD Lion has it all. Go read their third party lab results and get back to me, bitches. Stop buying fucking CBD at a liquor store. They don't sell CBD in a liquor store. CBD Lion pressing code Joey or joint. Now, let's get this fucking party started on a beautiful fucking Thursday morning. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? It's Thursday. The first

of December, the rent is due in a big motherfucking way. It's like one of those rent checks that you don't want to pay. You're like, fuck it, I ain't going to pay December. Because I need money for fucking holidays and snacks and a new outfit for grandma's house and shit, but

you got to do it. But the bad news is it's fucking December. It's good news for a guy like me. It's bad news for a lot of people. I mean, there's the time of the year, man, when you can see people go into a fucking coma or they fucking blow the fuck up, you know? Either, you know, this,

I go down my block at night. There's a house down the block the Pumas. I love them. The fucking house is gorgeous. It's fucking gorgeous. They have put lights and arrows and fucking Santa Claus and sled lights. It is fucking.

fucking gorgeous. And you look at it and it inspires you like. You're like, that's fucking great. How come I was never like one of those guys? That fucking Christmas comes. I'm outside fucking throwing lights. I helped my wife the other day for about 15 minutes.

We threw up some Puerto Rican lights and shit. But it's not like I was never really overjoyed about Christmas. Like I had one Christmas that I remember that was fucking phenomenal. I don't know how my mom pulled it off. You know, it's that Christmas. that you're like, one of your friends pulls your side, one of those little shitheads and go, you know, what are you getting for Christmas or whatever the fuck? And you're like, you know, what do your parents bring you?

And you're like, parents, it's Santa. And, you know, because you're a fucking Santa believer still. And they're like, nah, your parents bring you gifts and you're fucking confused for a few days. You don't want to ask nobody because you don't want to look like an asshole. But you're kind of confused. You go, you know what? I'm going to keep my eye on it this year a little bit. So this year you watch all your mom's movements.

You look in the closet, you look for gifts. It was one of those years where I think that motherfucker. My mother knew I was on the warpath for Christmas to find out the fucking, and she took me to the bar in Jersey. I don't know how the fuck she did it, because I was with her. We left, I mean, we left at like 7 o'clock for Jersey. We were living in New York City, obviously, 205, West 88, and we left it like seven.

And the whole night, she was at the fucking ball. I watched her. I didn't take a nap. I didn't do nothing. I stuck through it like fucking glue. At three in the morning, we got in the car. We went back to New York. And when I walked in the house, the place looked like my neighbor's house.

There was lights and gifts everywhere and fucking cookies for Santa. Not even real, like chocolate chip cookies. In Cuba, they put like fucking crackers, Cuban crackers with a piece of Viaba. So we left Santa some Cuban snacks. And I was blown the fuck away. I didn't know how the fuck they pulled it off, but I was okay with it. And after that, I was like, fuck it, I don't even care after Santa and that. I had a good Christmas.

And that was probably, you know, after that, like, it's just so fucking, my house was simple. Like, what do you want for Christmas? Nothing, Ma, what do you want for Christmas? And you went through a store and you got it for them. There's no surprise. There was no fucking shit going up in the air. And then my mother died. And then Christmas became something else.

you know, the first five years after you lose somebody special in your life, the holidays aren't the same, especially if they went nuts on fucking Thanksgiving or they went nuts on Christmas. You missed that shit for fucking ever. After my mom died, you know, I lived at the benders, I lived at the runnies, and they tried to make Christmas, you know, Christmas, but it wasn't working for Uncle Joey. That shit was not going to work for me.

singing fake Christmas songs. My mother's fucking dead. What is there to sing jingle bells about? But through the years, you know, you get a little better. I always got depressed. I mean, the year I was fucking homeless, 84, that was a rough fucking Christmas. That was like one of those Christmases that you're like,

God, if this is Christmas, I can't wait to bump into hell because this is hell. This was hell, you know? And some people try to make your Christmas holiday great. You know, some people really try to invite you over and feed you. They'll give you like a gift that was intended for their grandparents. They'll give it to you to make you feel good like a green wallet or a fucking t-shirt or something.

And it works. It all fucking works, you know. But the thing about Christmas is you let you go into a funk. I know for a fact I would let myself go into a funk. And the more I got close to the Christmas, I would snort more and drink more and drink more and snort. more. That's how I could tell. You know, without even knowing, I just went from getting high three nights to maybe four fucking nights, five nights to ease the pain.

But don't ever fall, don't ever feel down over the holidays. It ain't fucking worth it, man. I had so many painful fucking Christmases. And I tell you, it's like every other fucking Christmas means nothing to me since I've had mercy. Christmas is a fucking great. I mean, when you have a kid around, you know, it picks it up. little bit. California Christmas

is sucked because there was no snow. There was no snow. I'm trying to fucking jump up and down and sing jingle bells and I'm sweating half the death because it's fucking 70 degrees out. So it's fucking cold here and it's cold already. It's December 1st and it's cold already. Not really cold. I mean, I don't know

when we're going to get snow or whatever. But that's not the fucking point. It's where you let your fucking mind go. I mean, the Christmas that I was homeless, I just kept, I would sit there in this fucking rocket ship at night

and just think about you know, how could God, I mean, listen, your life sucks year round, right? Like, you know, I don't care if my life sucks fucking from January 1st to December 23rd as long as

you know, you feel better for Christmas. I mean, and it's tough when you when you have a shit life, you can't put nothing together. You can't put money together for a great gift. I mean, you put, you put a couple gifts together. You buy your mom a gift and your girlfriend a gift.

But we always feel so fucking inferior this time of the year. That's what I remember the most. If I have to put a word on it, what I felt from November, fucking 26th to December 26. You just feel fucking like you're not worth it. That's how I always felt. So I know if I felt, I feel this way all the time, though. But I always felt like, I don't know, like I wasn't cut out for Christmas. You feel like you don't have no fucking money.

Your Christmas ain't going to be great. And at the end of this shit, like now, at my age, I got to be honest to you guys, Christmas is not about money. It's not about money. We as Americans have let ourselves go there and we put some extra pressure on ourselves. Christmas is about love. Christmas is about looking at people going, I love you, let's spend some time together.

You know, let's drink some fucking eggnog, let's put some rum in it. You ain't got run up with jacking it. Christmas is about making it work. For years, I gave up on Christmas. Like, I would just go to Christmas season. I'm going to just give up now. It's going to be a miserable Christmas.

I did that for about 15 fucking years. And then that got old. There was a time on Christmas and Thanksgiving. I didn't want to go to anybody's houses. How fucking bad is that? You know many fucking Thanksgiving's I spent alone with Boston motherfucking market? That sliced white turkey. Shit from Boston Market.

That's when Boston Market was good. In Seattle, I spent a couple fucking New Year's alone. Not New Year's, Christmases. I spent a couple Thanksgiving alone. You know, Christmas without a girlfriend when you're 20 or 21. Oh, oh, that's brutal. Just having Christmas and going to a couple's house and they're kissing and hugging in front of you. And you're kissing the fucking dog.

The dog's dry humping your leg over fucking the holidays. That's the most. I mean, all that shit sucks because you think about it. Because you let it suck like I did for years. And then one day I just snapped out of it. I think like 94, 93 I had a shitty Christmas. All those Christmases were fucking shitty. But 94, it was just like, I still remember every individual Christmas, whether I had money or not, how I felt, whether I was able to eat.

I mean, last Christmas I had fucking COVID, so I got to pass last year. But all the Christmases before, like, ever since I've had mercy, yeah, it's helped. It's helped going to see Santa, which she fucking hates. She doesn't want to see Santa at all. I got like four pictures of her with Santa, and she's five feet away from the motherfucker. because she refuses to take a picture with Santa. I don't know why. I don't know if Santa molester in her previous life,

she just does not like fucking Santa. So I'm serious. I don't know what a... Since she's three. Since she's three, we took her to Universal. One year she was like two. We put her on the lap. Get me off the fucking lap.

She threw a pacifier and shit. She just does not like the motherfucker. So this year she wrote him a letter and she's been asking me every day, Dad. Santa didn't get back to me on it. shit yeah you know and that's what makes it fun again like dealing with a kid thinking if they're not going to get a gift and shit and you're looking at them going what you know listen this it's taking me a long time to get uh you know adjusted since i moved here took me a lot longer than the fucking

girls they were off and running like fucking uh that guy when he got out of prison the sopranos and he broke the guy's arm a week later my daughter and my fucking my daughter and my fucking wife got off and fucking running. I've had some hiccups here and there, but it's getting smoother every goddamn day. Last night, against my best wish is this is a kid at Jiu-Zitsu, great kid, Alex. Alex, yeah, Alex is his name.

And we were talking one night. A couple weeks ago, I went to Jiu-Zitsu at night, and I was telling them that my daughter came up to me one day we were just talking about shit, and she goes, Dad, you know, I like throwing punches. at Jiu-Jitsu and stuff like that. I mean, it blew my mind the conversation. She's like, but, you know, I really want to wrestle.

And I'm like, come again? You want a what? And she goes, I really want to wrestle. You know, I wrestle with my friends and I do pretty good. I use some jihitsu stuff, but then I get them down. And I go, who the fuck thought you how to wrestle? And she goes, Mateo, and those guys always wrestle. And we go over there, the girls.

I go, okay, you know, whatever. And I just yesterday, like, all right, you want to wrestle. You know, and then I know there's a bartender at Cousins owns a wrestling school. So I contacted them. He was like, the girls are like 14, you know. You can bring her in, but it's not going to be fair, you know. So I didn't know what to think. And then a couple weeks ago at night, I went to Jitsu.

And I was talking to this guy, and he goes, you know, my daughter, I can't come on Tuesdays starting next week because my daughter wrestled. And I go, what? Your daughter wrestles? And she goes, yeah, she comes here, too. She's nine, and she wrestles. I go, yeah, I thought they were doing a program at the rec for kids. And he goes, I coached the fucking team.

And I was going to bring my daughter down there, but my wife wouldn't allow it because she's got basketball and this and that. And he goes, bring her down. You know, so I asked, I go, you want to go down there and see one of these classes? And she's like, yeah, I thought she would forget about it. Holy fuck. She bugged me every day. Dad, when are we going to the wrestling class? Dad, when we go to a wrestling class?

Dad, when are we going to a wrestling class? Listen, I put my daughter in MMA Because I got hit in the head with a lunchbox when I was a kid and I didn't know what to do And that was the worst feeling in the fucking world Is getting hit in the head with a lunchbox and not knowing what the fuck to do I was six I was lost I just ran and cried I didn't know what to do I was passing out from the blood

But that shit always stuck with me All right And then I realized as I got a couple years went by I faint when I see blood. I fucking, if shit, if there's too much movement around me, I don't like it. You know, I just get, in the 70s, you didn't know what anxiety was. You just knew something wasn't fucking right. And when the action got too much, I always had to sit away and put a towel over my head to calm down a little bit.

I didn't fucking know. So I joined martial arts as a kid because of Bruce Lee. Thank God for that motherfucker. and I pursued it until maybe I was 16, and I didn't turn out a tough guy, I didn't turn out great form, any of that shit. I just, you know, you know how to get hit,

you know how to cover yourself, and you know how to breathe yourself out of the situation. You know, fear, you know, you get hit. You don't know what the fuck's going on. You know, when I got hit by that lunchbox, I was a kid. It's not like I was 24 and got hit. You know how to, I just did not know what to do.

I knew how to put my hands up, and I knew how to defend myself, and my mom put me in karate, and that's not the point. The point is I didn't want that to happen for her. You know, MMA is great for a kid. You know, whatever the fuck, Jitsu is great for a kid. Boxing is great. They're all great.

Anything that you put your kid in, just so he gets along with little kids, you don't want to put him in there to be a world champion. There's a guy, great guy, great guy. And his son is a fucking great kid, good-looking, polite, is good at softball. I've seen him play different things, you know, but he goes to Fat Joe's with me and my daughter.

That's where she goes for Jitsu and M.M.A. and shit. And the kid is good at what he does. You know, he's good at takedowns and a couple of arm bars and throwing kicks and punches. But you could tell this is not the kid's thing. You know, when I take mercy to this, it's not, I don't want her to be a fucking marshal. Let me get the wrong.

be a fighter, but I'd like for her to pick up a couple martial art things, like respect, discipline, you know, getting up and forcing yourself to do push-ups, whatever the fuck martial arts offers you, you know, that's the reason why I put her in. There was no future in her being a UFC. Do you want to see your fucking kid or your brother or sister? You know, when I see like a fighter that maybe I'm an acquaintance of him, it's like we talk on the phone or nothing like that when like Mickey Gall. Mickey Gall is my dear friend. He's starting a podcast, by the way.

Mickey Gall is a great guy. You know, when I watch Mickey Gall fight and he loses, even if he doesn't get knocked out, it affects me, guys. It bothers the fuck out of me. That's my friend getting fucking hit. You know, I would never watch Anderson Silver fights after I met him. I liked them. I like the guy, so I just like, I don't really want to watch his fucking fights, you know.

When I like somebody, I don't want to see them. I'll never forget when John Fitch fought GSP. 10 years ago. It was a battle and a half. And I was there with Ari and Duncan and Joe, you know. And I'll never forget John Fitch walking to the ambulance and me sitting outside the ambulance. And I was fucking crying.

I was fucking crying. I'm a grown man. And I'm crying for John Fitch. I mean, he's bloody. You know, GSP was beat up too. He was in the other ambulance. But he's my friend. I like this guy.

It fucking killed me. Like, it was like, I don't know. I can't deal with it. this shit. So if that's how it affects me with my friends, how do you think it affects me with my son, Mike's son, if Mike told me his son was an MMA fighter

and I went down to see him and I became friends with the kid and he gets punched in the head and blood's everywhere. I'm not going to fucking feel too good about it. You know, nobody is. It's a part of fighting and I get it. You get stitched up and you're back like herpes but still nobody wants

to see your sons or daughter's blood fucking fucked up. So, for me, this wasn't an option. It's not like I was like, yeah, go, get in there, do the arm bar. Dog, when I go in there, when I went to Fat Show's two days ago with her, all those fucking kids were doing shit wrong. All of them were doing the fucking, even my daughter. She does the throw, she likes throwing people, but the neon belly to arm bar,

she has a problem with it. That's not what it's about, what it's about. When I, you know, you know, how many times I'll ask my daughter on a mom? Monday, Mercy, you want to go to fucking Fat Joe's and she'll go, not to that. And then the next day I'll say something like, you want to go to Fat Joe's? And she'll go, yeah, okay, you know, and I'm like, what? Listen, as soon as we walk in that fucking door of Fat Joe's, there's a huge smile on the face, she's her friends.

You know how many times she's told me that, I got friends at school, I got friends of softball, and I got friends of Fat Joe's. She's got her friend Joey over there in Athena, and she's got some kid with big ears, Nick and they giggle and they laugh and they throw each other. Do you think I give a fuck if the throws wrong or not or if she's executing? She's fucking nine. What do I give a fuck about that? I just wanted to laugh.

When you're a dad and when you're a friend to somebody and they're laughing, you just want to see him fucking laugh, you know? So whenever I talk to this dad, he's always like, I don't know, my son. And I'm like, listen, this is one of the many things he does. When you're a child, what didn't you fucking do as a kid? I had a comic book collection. I played the bass. I played baseball.

You motherfuckers think you had jobs? Bork! I was a G.I. Joe guy. I bought a fucking... Nobody remembers the story I told when I bought the Barbie house and snuck her in and my mother almost killed me. And I had the G.I. Joe's fucking the Barbies and shit. You know, I've done it all as a kid.

I was an only child. So I was retarded. Well, what the fuck did I learn from that? kids are going to try Listen, you're not There's a guy online This kid's a drummer He's like a six-year-old drummer

The drums are like $20,000 drums No no but they're like Top of the line He got them custom made and shit Because I read the article He put up about his son And the $20,000

With $20,000 pair of drums Make your son a better drummer So when your kids Try and shit Like yesterday I took it to the fucking wrestling thing finally. She kept asking me, Dad, it's Tuesday. You're going to take me to wrestling?

Dad, it's Tuesday. You're going to take me? I said, finally, I ran out of option. So I was like, listen, I'm going to walk in there with her. And when she sees these kids jumping up and down and getting thrown up in the air, she's going to go, Dad, the same for me. You're right. And then we'll go home and nobody's feelings got her right.

Fuck, no. We walked, the first we went to the wreck and it wasn't there. So I'm like, fuck. And she's like, it's okay, Dad, but I can tell. She was upset. So I asked the lady at the wreck, where's the fucking, where's the fucking, you know, the wrestling practice? You got to go to middle school.

So I drove over to the middle school and sure enough, there's 200 cars. I'm like, fuck, this is the place. And so I go, I pull up and I go open the back door of the gym, Mercy, and tell me what you see. She came back. She's like, there's a bunch of boys wrestling that. I go, is any girls? She goes, I didn't see them.

I go, fuck, but let's go in there. I thought she was going to go, no, there's boys. Fuck, no. She slammed that fucking card door, walked in there with me. We walked in, I saw some friends of mine. I know, like the kids go to either softball or Fat Joe's with Mercy. We walked in, I saw a few parents and shit. I sat her down.

She was like, her eyes were huge. They had like an advanced class in front of her, and kids her age over on another map. But the advanced class, they were all 12-year-old kids, shit like that. She was watching the moves, and I could see her fucking eyes. She was lighten up and like, oh shit, God damn it. Then the coach came over, Alex, and he's like, hey, Joey, how are you? Did you bring your daughter?

I'm like, yeah. He goes, does she want to go in? I go, mercy. You want to go in? And I was praying that. She goes, no, not today. I just want to look. She was like, yeah.

I'm like, oh, no. next thing you know her jacket was off shoes were off she's on a mat with the nine-year-old girl they're throwing each other around he was just teaching her basics but then she made a wrestle the coach made her wrestle with a little boy and the little boy fucking threw mercy

I go oh this is not going to be good I saw mercy scramble and grab the fucking kid the guillotine and push him around and I'm like ah when we got back in that car she didn't shut the fuck up until we got home you understand me she didn't shut the fuck up until we got home and then when I walked in the door she ran in the

fucking house ran upstairs I could hear her downstairs because when I walk in I'm taking off my jacket I'm settling down I can hear her up there fucking yelling at the mom I loved it and she's like mom we got something to tell you she's like I can't tell you but dad's gonna tell you what is it and she's like I joined wrestling and my wife is like I don't know where this is coming from you know she's a mom too but i go you know what terry she was there one of the girls from the softball team was there and she was pissed because she couldn't sign up so i was like even amelia was fucking pissed she was there and she's like well all right i'll let it sign up so i don't want my daughter to be some fucking wrestler and get choked the fuck out

but if you would have seen her fucking smile on that mat and that's all that matters i don't get But she got, they got wrestling meets. The first one is December 15th. In 14 fucking days, she has to wrestle. And I'm like, how the fuck is she going to pull this off? You know what, guys, they're kids. She went to Jiu-Jitsu. She went to M.MA for 45 minutes.

And then after that, came home at a snack, and went to wrestling practice for damn near two fucking hours. Running around, push-ups, jumping. She came in last night, like, Nothing fucking happened. You know, and I had my apprehensions. Like, I don't know. I don't want her to do fucking this shit, but this is what she wants to do.

Yeah, she got basketball tonight, wrestling two days, MMA two days, softball starts in January. But you know, you want to keep them active. And that's the whole fucking deal there, you know. And now I got something to do with her during the holidays. It's something nice to do. practices at 6.30 to 8 at night so it gets me out of the fucking house.

Obviously, I'm going to sit there and talk to a couple of parents, a couple of moms. There was a mom sitting next to me. She's like, I know you. I go, no, no, you don't. She goes, yes, I do. I go, no, I never met you before. She goes, I saw you in Point Pleasant one night. Cracking dirty jokes. Oh, yeah, that's me. We started talking shit.

But yeah, yeah, this is the adventures of being a fucking dad. I can't believe how much my life has changed, guys. I cannot even believe The shit that used to get my dick hard Doesn't even fucking impress me anymore I don't want to do any of it

I don't want to do fucking any of it Like I said today I got an audition for a voiceover And I'm excited about that Because you don't have to do much with a voiceover Just put it on your tape recorder and fucking And fucking send it And then when you do the job Some jobs don't even want you to come in

You got a microphone You got a microphone Go zoom with you And tell you how they want the line and it's fucking easy as shit, man. But no, I was thinking about all the Christmases, and it really, like, you know, I'm 60, if I had 15 good Christmases, 15 good Christmases,

and it had to do with me. It had to do with me being a junkie, me not having parents, me just, you know. Now I love fucking Christmas. I mean, I'm not dressing up with a Christmas and I'm not jumping up and down and doing all this shit, but you enjoy it a little bit more

because it's close to home. You're making somebody fucking happy, you know? I think about that last Christmas and bowl that was whenever I think of Christmases, that's the Christmas I go, wow. You know, my life used to be fucking, and I try to tell people all the time, my life used to be so hand-to-mouth,

it was crazy. Like, I wish, you know, when I started comedy, after I got divorced, I mean, I struggled financially until I was about 25, 24, and then I started making a little bit of money, you know, money that you could put away money, like save money as a salesman and shit like that. And then, you know, I put away a ton of money after I came out of prison. I had like three fucking jobs. I roofed.

I fucking worked at a comedy club. And my whole goal was to bank, fucking. fucking money. Like, I had never banked money before. The money I did bank as a child, you know, when you have paper routes and Christmas clubs, I would spend it as soon as I busted the Christmas club, you know, like, I would fucking drop it. So I was like, it's time to, you know, I figured out how to fucking make 600 a week and

put away 100, you know, even though I was a fucking junkie, it was under control and stuff like that. When I got into comedy, I really went back to that. hand to mouth. I mean, I don't know how many times I woke up guys. I can tell you that I woke up didn't have a fucking dime to get breakfast. Not a dime. And I would go, well, somebody's getting mugged today. I would jump in the shower, brush my teeth, listerine, the whole fucking thing, put on clothes, and I would just go out, walk into office buildings, look for a purse, look for a wallet. A guy left the fucking truck, you know, I went into the store and let the truck running and

left the deposit, you have no idea about the scenarios that I bumped into. I still remember being fucking flat broke in Aspen and walking into a supermarket to shoplift like a fucking, like a pack of fucking Ascomaya Salami. You know how they come in those packages? You can put it in your winter jacket. And as I was going to fucking get to salami, a woman, a couple was shopping and her purse was right there and she had her deposit like the payment from the

company when you it was sticking out I remember just walking by and taking the deposit and putting it in my pocket and walking out there'd be like $800 in the envelope going that's a good payday for today but there was also a lot of times when I had to rob a fucking donation box you know

like a fucking little coin thing I still remember robbing that coin thing from Carvalin going I'm definitely going to hell they had some picture of a kid's ruling you know And it's a fake fucking charity, but still, you can't rock. I did all that shit, you know, and being broke fucking sucks for fucking Christmas. That adds even more, never mind the pain you're dry, whatever the fuck.

But I remember waking up, I always had problems with my ex-wife, like, when I was going to get her for Christmas, you know. The attorney would call and go, she's going to give it to you, they're going to figure out of time and all this. So I really wouldn't know. the last Christmas I spent in Boulder they called me like I didn't have a Christmas Eve that's what it was I was gonna get a Christmas day but they didn't tell me to like the 23rd

and I had a couple things for her like a couple pop-up houses and shit like that and I just wanted to have a good Christmas and I was like I don't give a fuck if I go to jail I'm gonna shoplift every fucking thing that I can't And I'll never forget on Christmas Eve

I went out in the afternoon With those last fucking shoppers And I shoplifted a bike For her from fucking, yeah I'm not I'm ashamed of all this shit But you know Robbing on Christmas

Being broke on Christmas is one thing Stealing on Christmas That's not guenno You gotta say 10 fucking hell marries And 19 our fathers To get that off your fucking chest But yeah, it was fucking a rough Christmas And I'll never forget going to Toys R Us and get like puzzles

And they would have Jeffrey money in those days You around for that? So I would go in there and take like a $119 computer They had these computers by the door And I wouldn't even walk out of the place I would pretty much pick up the thing Go through the fucking line They'd give me $140.4.4.

to Jeffrey bucks because they pay your taxes. They give you tax money back. And then I would start from there. And then I would go in, get something, pay for it legitimately. But as I was paying for it, I was also shoplifting something on the way out. So if I paid for a bike, I was taking a box of Legos for $200 on the way out. And then I'd do it again. Give them the Legos back, get $230 and Jeffrey money.

Guys, it was embarrassing. It was fucking really embarrassing. thing. I must have put together like $1,000. I had a little apartment like this office. And there was a couch, a bench, and a TV. Everything else was Christmas down. And then I was such a

fucking puk. I'll never forget coming home. And they called and they're like, oh, we're going to have a there like at a 12. And I'm like, 12, I got to get this place looking like fucking Christmas. And that night, I didn't have a Christmas tree. I'll never fucking forget this. But I had the shit you put

you know. Garland. I had boxes of garland. I must have shoplifted from somewhere. And I hung it up with duct tape. That's how poor I was. I had fucking duct tape guys. And I just hung it up with fucking duct tape. And then my Pierre, there was a resistance.

Christmas morning I wake up and I'm like, she's going to be here five hours. I got to make a fucking Christmas tree. And I was going to like, I started paper machet in one. I didn't know what I was doing. The landlord, I asked him if he had like a little tree from, you know, He had a storage area with a bunch of shit. He said, I got nothing.

And it was snowing. It was fucking cold, miserable. And I was on a search for a fucking Christmas tree. And I drove around for like 20 minutes. And finally, as I got closer to my house, because I didn't want to rob a Christmas tree close to my house and shit. So I was like, I got to rob a Christmas tree. That's, I didn't even know how I was going to rob a Christmas tree.

I'm like, I hope I could clip a tree from somewhere. And finally, I fucking, uh, I was flat, fucking broke, guys. Maybe $10 bucks in my pocket, and I was borrowing the deli zone car. Those are my friends that would let me that car, and it had a thing to keep the door closed. The bungee cord, if I made a fucking left turn,

a right turn, the door would swing open and shit. Tremendous. You can't write this shit, guys. So fucking I'll never forget. I found this Christmas place. It was right behind the Kmart that I would shoplift constantly from. And I had to give it a breather. But on that day it was Christmas and I'm like, Doug,

Kmart was closed, every business around was closed, say it was fucking snowing, everything had snow on top of it. I'll never forget that I go, there's no Christmas trees there. I'm going to have to jump that fucking fence. It was like a 10-foot fence. Get over and then throw a tree over, then load it in the car.

How the fuck am I going to do this? And as I walk closer to the fence, it's fucking open. I'm like, how do fuck is the fence open on Christmas? And as I walk closer to the fence as a sign, and it said, closed Christmas day. If you see something you like, take it and put your money in the envelope by the window. And I'm like, no, they didn't. No, they didn't.

I remember walking in, looking around. They had like maybe eight trees that were like 35 bucks, but they had one tree, like for a hundred. It was like a beautiful, big tree with frosting on it and it was covered. I go, that's the tree I'm fucking taken. I picked that motherfucker up. I put it

on the top of the Toyota. I bungeeed that. I didn't care about the door and not let the door swing open. And I put the thing and I was looking for something like glove or an extra bungee cord. And I go, hey, what about that envelope where you put the cash in? Let me see if there's anything in there. And sure

enough, it's Christmas, I'm broke and fucking every once in a while God shines. And when I fucking, well, looked in the envelope, there was like $212 or something, $208 or something like that, something in the $200 range. I took the whole thing and I even put in the IOU. And I just signed it, Joey. And I fucking took the tree. I took the money.

I bought some Chinese food. And I went back on that. That's the last Christmas I had with my daughter. And it was the best Christmas as broke as I fucking was, you know. That was the best. We fucking opened up Christmas. presents. She took a bike on. That Christmas must have cost me $15. I shoplifted fucking everything.

Clothes for myself. I had like a Christmas robe. I made like cider and shit. It was not good guys. But that guy sold trees year round. And he did other things in there year round. He sold like bulldozer or something. And I remember I got like a, I got a big fucking check one day. I was just getting ready to leave Boulder But that Christmas fucking bothered me

Me taking that tree and the cash And shit I gotta give this guy something So I don't forget pulling in there And walking it and going hey man I took a tree from here at Christmas And I didn't pay for it But I want to pay for it today I didn't have the money

And the guy goes man Thank you Thank you for fucking being honest I'm not honest I just certain things bother me And that really bothered me that day They'd take them a $2 a tree, so I said, fuck it. I gave the $200, and my Christmas was fucking absolved.

And from that time on, I really haven't had a shitty fucking Christmas. They have least been manageable. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, yeah, you have your moments, but then the last 10 Christmas has been great because I got a daughter, and it makes Christmas more enjoyable at my age. But I tell you, a lot of people are going to be down over the holidays. Don't let yourself go down. Don't let yourself go down.

over a fucking holiday that's made out of love. It's not really a holiday of fucking, you've got to show up with a boat or the biggest present for anybody. If you do that, you just fall into the category as the Joneses. I don't give a fuck if you make a Christmas card. You know, some of the best gifts I've had

have been homemade? Some of the best gifts I've had have been by somebody who said, fuck it, I'm not going to spend 10 million fucking dollars. I got a blanket from a girl a couple years ago that she made it. I still have that blanket in the fucking basement. It's one of the warmest fucking blankets I have.

Must have cost you $3. So don't stress about the money. People like me don't, I'm not looking to fucking kill anybody for Christmas. I really not. I could give a fuck if you give me a DVD or a fucking pretzel or a bag of weed. It all goes to this. I never put on my wife. I never have.

So don't feel fucking ashamed. Don't feel, you know, shitty. And if you miss a relative or something like that, Hey man, my mother's been gone 42 years. I still fucking get a little sentimental around the 23rd, the 24, just for a minute. Just for a minute, it comes and goes. And the more holidays you do, the more you will get used to that. I call a little pain, but then it becomes an inconvenience.

Just for a minute, you might take a glass of eggnog or something and go, holy shit, this reminds me of my mother, fuck, what are you going to do? So the moral of story is motherfuckers, don't let the holidays get you down. There's nothing to be down about. If you don't have it, you don't have it. Bring yourself, bring your sense of humor, bring your sweetness and your love.

And that's the biggest Christmas present. You give anybody motherfuckers. And that's my podcast for December 1st, a beautiful Thursday morning. That's it and that's that. Do not forget, listen, my man, Todd, dropped from weed off of me, from Stoner Club.

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How's that one for you, motherfuckers? That's how I fucking roll. And that's it. I'll put an ad up for the link on the book this week. We're taking orders to December fucking 31st. My next show is the 28th. I might pop around town. I've seen Russell.

Russell Peters is in fucking. NJPack. I think Saturday night I got a fucking Hollis Gracie's doing their yearly Jiu-Jitsu party. I'm excited about that. I was going to go to the fucking hockey game, but my daughter has a basketball game is six and I'll never make it to the devil's fucking Philly Flyers game. So what are going to do, man? You can't do it all. You can just

try to be the best and make the best of it, guys. I love you motherfuckers with all my heart. December's here. Stay fucking beautiful. I'll see you motherfuckers Monday morning. Tip Top McGoo. And now for a word from my motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right, you bad motherfuckers. I want to thank you all for listening this week

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Just go to Stamps.com. on the microphone and enter code Joey. I want to thank stamps.com. I want to thank manscape. I want to thank CBD line. I want to thank better help and I want to thank hard and saw but most importantly, I want to thank you savages for another great week man. I love you. Stay black and I'll be back Monday morning tip top magoo.