The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #219 - Joey Diaz, Eddie Bravo, Scott Ross and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 7, 2014

Eddie Bravo of 10th Planet Jiu Jitsu calls in and Scott Ross joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  Staring Thru My Rearview - Tupac I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet I Shot The Sheriff -Eric Clapton Recorded on 10/06/2014 Recorded on 09/29/2014

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Welcome to the church of what's happening now. October 6th, the day the devil was raped at sea. Play that motherfucker. A little pock for you. Kick it, Lee, wiggle for Uncle Joey. What? Oh shit. That's my only move, man.

Crank that, crankily, what? It's Monday night, motherfuckers. You got a dream, it starts today. Fuck it. You want to fuck her in the ass. You got to start working it today. You want to get a job today, cock suckers. Fuck ISIS and that little cock sucker from Chicago.

A little fucking traitor comes over here. Eat cheese burgers and he wants to go shoot people. I think he's born here. Fuck him. Fuck him. Light him on fire. What? To the end, my friends.

See? Is Tupacolanos? Do you care? Do you know? Give any Hollywood insights? Welcome to the church of what's happening now. Monday, October 6th. Thank you for fucking watching any shit dick on TV.

Anyway, you're going to get me. more entertainment here tonight. My co-host, the Flying Jew, Lee Syatt. Hello. The son of Yom Kippur. Look at him. All loss. He's down 56.5 pounds.

Yeah. Smooth like a motherfucker. How do you know that? What the fuck you think you're dealing with? And to the left of me, my main man, Mr. Scott Ross, my little brother from many years back now doing many big things. Always a pleasure to have you on this show. What the fuck are you talking about?

I'm like, how do I know? I know everything. I know everything. How was your weekend? It was perfect. passion by the park. You had Mama here every day, breakfasts. It's all over.

It's kind of crazy because she drinks coffee and I don't, so I didn't have a coffee maker, but I just bought one because we were going and get bagels, and I was paying this dude like four bucks to toast a bagel for me, so it was stupid. But it was great. We went and saw our buddy Steve Simone at the improv on Friday. He did great. On Saturday, we watched the Dodgers game.

On Sunday, we watched the Patriots kick ass finally, and that's all you can do, my brother. Did you sniff a muffler this week? Did you try, did you take a whiff? No, I didn't sniff a muffler. There's what I'm talking about. You got to make efforts every week. Some weeks you do two push-ups.

Some weeks you do three push-ups. Some weeks you sniff muffler? No, you're eating that monkey from behind? Give it a little whiff just to see what it's like in Mr. Rogers' neighborhood. You know what I'm saying? I don't want to live in that neighborhood. What the fuck? Who are you?

That's a bad neighborhood. That's a good neighbor. It's a good neighbor. No, the monkey is the good part. That's like, it's like Baldwin Hills. If you were Betty Page. Betty Page would lick in between the muffler and her monkey. Put her tongue right in that bull's eye.

Betty Page is playing with the casino's money at this point. She's like two. The casino's money. What the fuck are you talking about? She's like two. She's like a, she's like a, she's from like, she's a sexual savage. I know, but she's like a hard breeze away from dying. Aren't you a sexual?

Who are you talking? I'm talking about the girl who calls her Wednesday. I think I said Betty White. This is what I'm fucking talking about. Those brownies. Forget about it. Anyway, this fucking Mo Mo Mo. I think, Betty Page.

Betty Page called him to the podcast. I know, Betty Page, but they said Betty White. And she licks between you. I didn't say fucking Betty White. Nobody said Betty White. Nobody said Betty White. I'm sorry. What the fuck?

This is what I'm talking about. What's going on? That's actually pretty funny. You got one fucking shot at this guy's saying. I'm entertained. What's happening? Beautiful. Life's pretty good right now.

Congratulations, by the way. He's a bad mother-off. Thanks what he said. Well, I don't know. Have you always been skinny? I've been skinny, but I used to be one of those people who mistook God. not being fat for being in shape. Oh, well, yeah, I'm nowhere near in shape, but

I've told Joey, like, I've lost and gained weight probably three or four times, so I've been here before, but I'm getting close to my lowest, so I'm excited. That's the best, because he's working it all. Last time, that's a tomato shoot juice died. Oh, I was juicing last time. The time before that, he put toothpaste to salt water,

yeah, that shit, none of that shit. Atkins dying. Just makes you pay. Yeah. Once you're on that fucking wheel, you know, what 500 calories feels like? It makes you pay a little bit, you know what I'm very proud of you. And it's getting harder because I put my weight into the elliptical

and it tells you how much chemical calories you burn. And when the weight's going down, it's taking a lot longer to burn it now. So it sucks. Well, you plateau. Just switch up your... I've been on plateaus for like two weeks. Yeah, switch up your program a little. Yeah, yeah, you have to.

I like just a little bit. But how you doing, Joey? You're looking slim. You know me, Doug, trying to put the pieces together always. I just went before because Scott called. He wasn't ready to get picked up yet. So I said, let me go to the gas station real quick. I'm about a fucking gas station.

I'm going, I'm filling the tank. And right away, some chick comes up to me. Now, this girl looks fucking familiar to me. Right? Off the bat, like, I know her from somewhere. And I see her, and she comes up to me. She's on her cell phone, and she's panicking. And I'm just, I'm not even looking at, I don't give a fuck if she had hot pants on or whatever.

Sure enough, she's smoothy on over. And she's trying to tell me how she's got to get back, you know, 60 miles from here. And she's got a truck, and she needs 50. bucks to get home. It's usually 55 to fill it up and her kids got stuck on the daycare and she needs the money now. Guys, between you and me I wouldn't give this dirty bitch

a dime. I don't give a fuck. I'm listening to the story and I'm nodding that. I'm like, okay sure, yeah, no shit. And I'm like wow, and I'm like, well, you know what, man? Sit around a few minutes. Maybe it works up mouthy. And I'm just waiting. Like this fucking moron. And sure enough, I look over and the truck's got some fucking

in Dunson there. First off, in all the things I did that were bad, growing up, I never did nothing with a brood. Don't take a genius, not to do dick with a broad. Dick, you do a crime with a broad, you're a fucking piece of shit. Oh, really? Especially when you're making Hergo off there. It's like that day at the bank.

Yeah. When the girl came up to me, do you have fine dollars? You know what? Have you considered sucking a dick? You're young, and he's pimping you out. He's standing there like a fucking goofball. When a man turns his back to you, it makes a lady ask you for money.

that guy is as worthless as they fucking come. Right. Well, I never understand that whole thing where it's like, oh, I got stranded here. Like, when you go somewhere, do you not make sure you have enough money to get back? Well, whatever the fuck, they didn't get stranded. That's all the law.

I know they didn't, but I feel like all of it's always a lie. It's always a fucking lie. You know, we got stranded here. Oh, and all gas money. I used to go, when I started comedy, I used to drive from Seattle to Coma in the contest with enough gas and no money. I went there to win or take second place,

but not even that. I had to get 100. Because then he had 30 for the tank and 64 gram a blow, dog. So I had to win first place. When I used to go over here, remember when we didn't you used to live down in Huntington Beach, Redondo Beach with Sam? No, no. We basically lived downtown Hollywood. And then where I live now, like right off, right by the improv.

When I first met Sam, Tripoli, used to hang out with Pablo Francisco. Yeah, yeah. They knew each other from Redondo Beach. When I first moved here in 97 on Thursday nights, there was the Lighthouse Comedy Club content. Test. First price was 100. Second prize was 50 and third prize was a pizza. I think I was three and no. Every time I went down, I had no, like I would sit down on a Thursday and go, where am I going to get blow from? Can't borrow money from Leah Elm already. I already sold three fucking cell phones I stole from the comedy store. You know, I had, I was all out of options. Fuck it. I would borrow five bucks and go down there and make sure I fucking won or at least got second place. But in the back of my mind, I got so fired up. and so scared of having to ask somebody for gas money, I would just win the contest. I did that in Tacoma,

and I used to do that in fucking here. And I did it like three times here and won like three times in Tacoma. Do you think that hurts your comedy now that you don't need the gig, the money? This is 30 years ago. No, no, no, no. I'm saying now, like when you, like you said you needed the money for Coke, right? Right. So you would make sure you won.

Right. Did it hurt it at all when now you don't need that $50? I don't get the question. Like now that you need that. You don't need it. Were you working harder back then? Do you think so or no? I always work hard.

It's about the motivation. It's about the motivation. It's about the motivation. Do you still have that motivation? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's, it's, uh, hunger is a fucked up motivator. Yeah. There's the difference being hungry and having respect for yourself and always working.

There's people that do comedy and then hit and then stop writing jokes and stop working. My game is just starting right now. You know, it's two different times of motivator. Now, when I wake up in the morning, there's a 20, 20 months motivated. You know, for a while, God knows what it was. Then it was the blow, you know, for me to get the blow. Right, that's what I'm saying, yeah.

But it was, no, I've always worked. Oh, and I'm not saying you're not funny now, but I didn't know if there, I didn't know if there was a, I didn't know if there was like a point when you started not needing the money, like, when you started to sell yourself fucking at all. No, no, no. I always need 50 bucks. I'm a fucking Cuban Jew. You're talking.

I always need 50. You're cashing like the three-cent residual checks. I got a six-cent residual check. That motherfucker got deposited this mortar and shit. they're figuring that, and they got deposit with a $15 check, an $18 child support, rejection check. Colorado still takes money out of checks and then sends me the money back,

even though I haven't paid child support in fucking seven fucking years. That's how fucked up our system is. So once a month, I got a stack of checks with 390, 485 from money they take from me from various checks, then they mail it back to me. At least they mail it back. Yeah, at least they mail it back. but they deposited and make money on my fucking $4.

Fuck them. You know what I'm saying? Back to the fucking whore that was trying to fucking scam me here. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I just don't understand it. I just never understood how they could do that. And I told her I would give her the money. I'm like, I'll give you the money, but you got to come home with me and shit.

And she fucking turned pat. She was like, well, what do you mean? You did not say that to her. Bro, you got to work. There's no way. And I was not going to bring the children home. I know. Well, your wife said her.

And I would still not bring her home. I just wanted to see the expression on her face. Me too. I looked at her, I go, you need 50 bucks, right? She goes, yeah, I go, 200. Let me fucking put it in that ass. And her face just turned fucking purple. And that's it.

She'll never ask me for fucking go again, ever if she sees me. I cracked her. First off, if she really wanted the money, she let me stick in that ass. A deuce right in the back by the gas station right there in that fucking hellhole. Right up there on Oxnard, like a real hole. If you're going to be a hoe, be a fucking hoe.

That's a sad $200. No, I wasn't going to give a dick. Well, I know you wouldn't, but you imagine. But I was just, listen, 15 years ago, I was in New York on a train station, and some girl came up there. I was in the phone with Josh Roof and asked me if I'd give a $5 for fucking something or a lighter. And I looked at it and she was beautiful, Scott.

But she had a black fucking eye that was purple. And that cannot happen to anybody. That doesn't happen to anybody. This is on a train, on 120. 25th Street, there was a pay phone on the platform. And I was calling Josh Wolf before a train got there. And next thing, you know, this chick taps me on the show. And you know, like, when somebody taps me, you're like, hold on one second.

I didn't really look at her. Then I looked at it, and I go, I got to call you back. I just got tapped on a shoulder by a girl with a black eye asking me for $5 and a lighter. And I hung up the phone. And I wasn't going to get her either. But I wanted to fuck with. That's what comedians do. So I asked her, so what do you need to $5 for?

I need to eat. I go, why do you have a black guy? My boyfriend hit me. Do you smoke crack? And then she started that I fucked the world up. She thought that I thought that she didn't even know what crack was. Then I started fucking with her with the crack. Come on.

Tell me that you smoke crack. What do you smoke a lot of a pipe? What are you smoking? I don't know what you're talking about. Are you going to give me the money or one? I'll give you $20. Answer my fucking question. Do you smoke fucking crack or not?

And she would just, and finally she goes, yes, I smoke crack. My boyfriend beat me two weeks ago. Are you going to give me $5? Yeah, what the fuck, I gave me $5.00. She wasn't. And it's hysterical. She didn't leave the subway this way. She went into the tunnel. I'll never forget that.

Just disappeared into the tunnel? Disappeared through that fucking tunnel on the 125th Street. Like she was going into the valley of fucking darkness. They have people living under there. I guess so. Have you seen that documentary? Yeah, I saw that documentary. That was awesome.

In the New York? Yeah. It's on Netflix. It's like black and white. It's like they have houses. They have running water. They get electricity. It's amazing.

They have a whole fucking town. It was an abandoned. It's an abandoned part of the subway, I think is what it was. Right. And so they, it just got shut down. So a bunch of bombs, you know, the built cardboard houses, you know, like they've built structures. Like they have rooms and roommates. Some of them have pet dogs, you know.

It was amazing. And some of them are fine where they're at. Some of them are clearly bad shit crazy. Some of them just seem like they got lost somehow. I was thinking about that. I saw a homeless guy with my girlfriend. And I was like, what do you think, like, the first night of homelessness is like? That has to be the worst night ever.

I've seen a guy, like, on sunset. I used to work at the Starbucks right next to the comedy store. Like, day one in L.A. I got that job. The one by where the country western bars now? Yeah. They ride the horse? Okay.

Yeah. So did, what's the name, right? Christy Miller. Oh, I didn't know she used to work. Christy Miller used to work. I'd go in there, she'd give me free lattes and shit. Yeah, I was always hooking comics up. Always.

Of course I was. You know, it's part of the getting to know everybody. You're like, perk of the job. I get to give all the comics coffee. It got me stage time. Yeah, it did. It did. Yeah.

You know, it's amazing in my 24 years of comedy, 23 years of comedy. It wasn't that I was homeless, but I wasn't in the best of conditions. I remember, like, one time being in New York City on a Sunday night and having to be in Aiena's in Dallas on a Tuesday and having $150. And my plan was, I said, go eat with a friend and then stay on his balcony. My friend lived on the 34th floor. He still does. He lives on a 34th floor of that road.

Whenever you see a picture, New Jersey from the New York side, there's a circular building. They did so much blowing in the 80s, they called it the grinder. The one where like the aliens land across the street? Yes, that way. I showed you. I showed you. The ground round, whatever the fuck it's called.

And I used to sleep on his balcony. And my plan was to sleep on the balcony Sunday and Monday and going to the city in Dukon. And then Tuesday, Kennedy Airport had a flight for like $62 to Dallas or something. This is 15 years ago. This is 1999, you know, around there, way before Terry. And I said, you know what, I couldn't get a hold of him. And I called my other friend. I couldn't get a hold of him.

My other guy was busy. And I was like, you know what? I'm just going to take the bus to Dallas. It's 36 hours. And I remember taking the bus, and they stopped for a six-hour break at a town. They go, come back and six-hour, we'll leave it out of you. And I remember rolling a joint. It was like two in the morning.

So I wasn't going nowhere until 8. So I just walked the streets, and at one point just sat down and just sat there and looked into the night. And that's a fucked up feeling. It has to be. It's scary. At the same time, it's just, I don't know, it made me feel bad about myself. But at the same time, made me feel good about myself. Because no matter how tired you are, you're going to keep walking.

Yeah. So I would just walk and walk and walk. In those days, I wasn't falling asleep in train stations. You know, I would stay up all fucking night. and then your body becomes something else. You become something else at night. You're like a cat. A cat at night becomes something else.

He becomes a hunter. A lot of people don't know that. Like when I go home at night and I wake up in the middle of night and I go into my living room, those cats are up. Yeah, they sleep most of the day, right? They sleep most of the day. So when I wake up in the middle of night, you go out of the little room and they surround you for love like you're petting them.

And you can feel there's certain, they're not regular cats. They have a, and that's what you turn into at night. You know, you stay up late nights. You know what you turn into. I work late nights. Yeah, you work late nights, you know. So just that, and I was homeless a few times. I remember doing blow in this rocket ship.

What? There was a rocket. 88th Street Park when I was growing up. Oh, in a park? All those nights, I wouldn't, like, I would, like, let's say Scott was my good friend. And I go, Scott, man, I'm not staying alone. And Scott would go, Joe, you can sleep on my couch, I want to have. But you got to come over by 2 o'clock.

I go to bed after that. There's nights. I would look at the clock and go, fuck it. I'm not going to go to Scott. I'm too. coked up and too drunk. I don't want Scott to see him this way. I would just go to the rocket ship and go on to the rocket ship and put my little

hooded sweatshirt on and snort blow under there and pass out on the fucking grass and hopefully a rat wouldn't fucking bite me or something. I can't even imagine, dude. The closest I came is I had to live in a guy's closet for two weeks.

Like, I didn't have enough money to pay for like my weekly that I was staying in. right when I moved down to LA. Because even though I got a job my first day down here, I didn't get a paycheck for a couple weeks, right? And I only came down with $1,000 like an idiot,

and I didn't realize how grossly expensive everything was going to be. Where did you move from? I moved here from Vegas. And what did you want to be when you moved here? Stand-up. When you came out here, you came out to do a stand-up camera. Yeah, yeah. We didn't know anything.

Like we had a, like the scene in Vegas. It was very small and we didn't really have any well we didn't have any professionals around And this is how you met Sam Yeah Okay so you know Sam from Vegas From Vegas yeah

You guys came out together as Gumbaz Yeah like I came out What happened is And really Sam Sam Tripley started the Open Mic scene in Las Vegas Like there had been previous Open mic scenes but they had

completely died out There was nothing around And he started an open mic right next, well, in a bar that was right next to where I lived. And so he came down to the coffee shop I always hung out at and it was right across from the college, UNOV, and did a little comedy set

and he brought this other guy, I can't remember, Rich, his name was Rich, and he was kind of a crappy hack comic. And when that guy did his set and he got some laughs, It's like, oh, shit, I can do better than that. And so I went on and did my first open mic, and my first line was something stupid, but it got a laugh. That's all I needed, you know, to get hooked.

It was like heroin, or what I imagine heroin would be like, you know, you're just like, what a rush. That was amazing. How was the open mic scene then? What year was this? Oh, God, this was probably 96. And how was the open mic scene in Vegas at the time? Vegas was going through a job.

change. Yeah, yeah. We would have an audience occasionally, which means a singular person that we would be performing for. We were performing in a venue where we had to compete with video poker machines, you know, so that was kind of tough. And in 96, how many open mics were there? At first there was just the one, and then they were like two. And none of those hotels were doing open mics or show. Nothing. Nothing. You would think in the entertainment capital, there'd be a lot of that stuff.

But, I mean, I guess maybe there's just so many higher level performers that don't need it. Well, no, because it's for the tourists and the tourists don't want to see developing talent. And now they do one of the biggest open mics at the country is at the South Point. Really?

Hotel in Vegas on Friday nights at 1230. Oh, that dirty, 1230 thing. People come from all over the service of, You're doing a show in Vegas on a Friday night. Let's say Norton's at the Riviera. I'm just saying, I'm not exaggerating. Oh, Jesus. Let's say Norton's at the House of Blues and Lee's at the Venetian.

The unwritten rule is to shoot over there at 1230 and do a spot and everybody has a drink and they hang out. It's not bad. It's not bad. So just to think that it's amazing that you have to create your own things. Yeah, no. You can create your own fucking gigs, you know. And really it was Sam who led the charge on that. Like he got a casino gig for us.

He got a where he was doing an open mic. But actually it wasn't an open mic. It was our professional show. And so what do you do? You just go to a bar or say like, I know you guys don't have anything here that night. I'll get 20 people here and they'll buy drinks. Well, we wouldn't lie like that because we couldn't drive.

all 20 people. You know, it's, you'd find a venue and it'd work out for like three or four months, and then it'd start to peter out, you know. We had a coffee shop that, you know, worked out really well. It was basically you're performing for mostly the comics every time, which kind of warps your sensibilities because comics, even, comics are special people. You've got to go darker, and so if you're always performing in front of other comics,

you might go a little darker than usual yeah I loved groans when I was telling jokes I loved getting a good groan I would go there I would go beyond there well did you see Gerard Carmichael special on HBO no

it was pretty good it was Spike Lee did it he's not like he's pretty funny I've seen him but like the special wasn't like he wasn't trying to to like make like huge laughs every joke Like a lot of it was kind of like I don't know about controversial

But it wasn't necessarily like a joke joke He was trying to make you laugh And it was one of the better specials I'd seen in a long time Back to the fucking open Mike Cucksucker with Gerard Kai Michael I don't know you get me high it stuff happens It's really crazy what comics don't Comics will fail

If they don't have a place to perform You know I mean you can't perform You can't be a comedian And it's so weird that sometimes you have to get together with other comics and form your own venues. And a lot of comics don't have the aptitude to do that. You know, when I lived in Denver, I started in Denver. And Denver had the comedy works, which gave you three minutes.

And then you had all these other cowboy bars. You went up after line dancing, and you went up, you know, not ideal times. It's not like in your head you're trying to start this glamorous fucking career. Right? You're hearing about drugs and bitches. And then you're all of a sudden, you're like, yeah, we have a show. It's 9.30 on Sundays. The line dancing ends about 9.15.

You guys start at 9 until you're like, what the fuck, you know? So I'm a meeting myself. Like, there was this Chinese guy. His name is Ron. When I got divorced, I used to call Ron, and he'd deliver and he put it on the tab for me. I had two different Chinese places. Ron made great stuff, and the other place made great stuff, but different. Like, it's like going to a Chinese restaurant in L.A.

They might have good soup, but the pork fried rice might suck. Might suck, or the egg roll might suck. So in Boulder they had this guy, Ron. And he had a beautiful patio. And I went to him and then I go, Ron, the patio just fucking sits here every night. If you charge five bucks, and I come here with ten buddies and do this,

and we started getting six people, then eight people. Then ten people paid, but four people getting for free, you know. And before you know it, after a few months, you got 60 people in there. You know, but something always happens. A comic gets drunk or throws a glass.

Yeah. Or says something politically uncorro and funny, and there goes the fucking neighborhood. But that whole art, that whole open mic scene is something that I could live to be 100. I still remember all my open mics. It was amazing. It really is.

And when you bomb, it is so horrible. No, it's not. It is horrible. You feel devastated because you didn't get that. You didn't get that high. You didn't channel it. It went wrong. and you want to get kissed by the son again.

I got a email from a kid that's been emailing me for a while. I can't remember his name out of Dallas, sweetheart of a kid. Pretty funny, too. And he emailed me that, Joey, I'm finally doing it. I'm getting on stage. I'm going out there, like fucking, and he started laying all these things on me, like Zeppelin's 76. And I emailed him back.

So how did it go? Because he emailed me, like, on a cusp. I answer all the emails on Sunday. And he came up, and he was like, well, it wasn't what it was. You know, because in the back of your mind, you think you're going to go out there. Like, when you're writing your first jokes,

you're like, oh, fuck, Dice Clay, Joe Rogan, it's over for those motherfuckers. Seriously, you get so overwhelmed with your jokes. Because in the back of your mind, you're like, I got this. You really get, and especially if you come out of the gate strong. Like, if you open mic, the first one, you come on, you get some laughs and the second one,

it's over. You're already putting your mind. How long did you do comedy for Scott? 18 years. You're like, it took him 18 years. It took me three fucking times on stage. That's how you think, Lee. Right, yeah.

And all of a sudden you go on stage and then, you get your head handed to you. And it's, I guess you're right. I guess the first two years you want to go home and cry. But then between the drugs and the alcohol, eating some fucking girl's pussy, or sucking somebody's tip, because those open mics attract a different.

type of crap. And you get more personal with them, people talk to you a little more, you end up going home with weird people. Best parties I ever have with my open mic days. And I really had two sets of open mic. Because I was an open micer in Denver. Then I was an open micer in Seattle with Brody and Josh

Wolf and Mark Madison. And we had enough venues so Josh in those days would start little venues. But just a camaraderie. Oh yeah. We were always together. We had a whole crew. That's it. It's it. And it's something, it's like if you watch behind the music and they talk about like guns and roses and it's your comedy career is your open mic career and your music career. It's all crazy to your first album. With music, it's all crazy till the first album, maybe the first. Then you know it's business. And with comedy, it's all craziness to one guy gets like an MC gig.

then another guy gets an MC gig. But here's what happens. You and Lee are best friends. You're at the comedy store. And you're at the laugh factory. Mitzie sure hates him. And the guy who owns the laugh factory, Jamie Massada hates you,

but you guys are best friends. So shit like that starts happening. And that's how friendships drips apart or they stayed together or it's very weird. So what works for you now might not work for them. like when those guys Balushi and all those guys had CTV up in Canada

What was the name of that channel they had? S-C-T-V and they all got hired by Santa Night Live except Harold Ramis. You know, it's a weird feeling. Sounds like high school and like middle school. It is. It really is. The open mic is

the funnest I don't know, it's like, yeah, it's like high school for comedy because now you're hanging around with six people, who giggle all the time you're fucking broke I broke are you oh my god you're fucking just broke and there's always one guy who's got a day job will live with his mother and we all mooch off him or he's got a car it's it's you know you wish you could do it again you wish you could do it again and stay in that

virginity zone where it's just about getting there because when you're in open migra it's just about getting there once you get that purity of the art And the purity of the art, and it's just these people, like, you know, in Seattle, we went out from Monday to Thursday. Because Fridays was when the professionals get paid. So from Monday to Thursday, we were out every fucking night. Some nights till 10, some nights till 5 in the morning. Just depends how much money you got.

Maybe you did a gig on Thursday. Oh, yeah. No, well, we didn't have very many paying gigs in Vegas. It was always just like, hey, if we got free drink, If we got a dinner out of it, that was just humongous for us. You know, that was the best if we could get drinks. One time one of our crew, Vinny, got it at a really happening bar. And it was, you know, it was like a nightclub.

And he called it Vinny's Comedy Party. And we're like, how the fuck Vinny get that, you know? But he landed it and we're like, oh, no, it's going to go straight to his head. And, of course, it did. But it was wonderful, though, to be able to perform. in front of that many people and we got like a couple of free drinks. Where's Vinny now? He lives in L.A.

Vinny, Vinny got kind of weird, you know, like when he got down here. And he kind of like distanced himself. Is he still doing comedy? No. I mean, the last time I saw him, of course it was, he was doing comedy, but I've heard that nobody's seen him in a long time.

He started working as a bouncer, but not like really a bouncer. He's on security, more like the door guy. It's amazing. And he dropped out. But he wasn't doing really well with a comedy. And I think he couldn't. You know, L.A. is a rough town. Now, do you still do comedy?

No. When was the last time you did stand up? Sam Actually the whole crew And this was like our last time We really together We tried to put together A multimedia comedy show

And we Well we did do it And It was Sam Keith Healy Mark Hatchell Who hangs out at the comedy store a lot And

Sam And you know We were booking I was getting all these shorts Off the internet And like contacting the people Made them And getting permission

to show them and we were we're showing shorts in between stand-up comedy that was our idea and we also ran it as a live like night show so it was like sam was behind a desk as a talk show host look at the shape of you already eye balls all right what do you expect the new cheviz the eyes look like fucking menacevitz and shit look at all that's the most disgusting way I love Manashev. Oh, no, you don't. A couple fucking bangs of Manichethev with a grandma blowing a Yamacan. It was better than you, you know what I'm saying?

So I go up, and I hadn't done, I hadn't been active for a while because I got a job at a record label. And so that made me like, what took up my nights, you know? A lot of my job was going out with people at night. And I started making money, and I was like, man. And I learned more about the entertainment business, which is something, you know, when you're an open mic, you're not thinking about the business. And the more I learned about the business, and I'm not that great at math, but I didn't like the math at all. I was like, you know, the percentages, you know, you could be amazing at this and not make it. I know people that by my open micro standards were beyond hero status who have nothing.

You know, they have absolutely nothing. Like they don't own anything, you know, like their car is probably 15 years old. If they have a car, some of them don't. The struggle is hard. Yeah. And I was out of spot where I go, you know, is this. what you want to do. Yeah, it's like, am I willing to pay the price is what it came down to?

Am I willing to pay the price? Because I knew what it was. I was able to accept that, you know? But then I go, is this okay for you, you know, having nothing? Like, is this okay for you for the rest of your life? I was like, no, it's not, you know? Because I felt like I had options, you know? And I wanted to try to, you know, do something with, like, entertainment.

I still viewed us as all, like, going up together, you know, like an entourage thing. That was the big dream. Sam was always the heavy talent in our crew. Everybody knew it even in the open mic days. Well, don't a lot of comics say, like, if there's anything else you can do, don't do stand-up? Yeah, they do. I heard a lot of people say that. I met Jimmy, Jimmy, oh, God.

I'm walking. Now, you still run around with Sam Kinnison. Schubert? Yeah, Jimmy Schubert. I met him in Vegas while I was before we moved down here. And I got to talk to him for a while. And, you know, he'd been drinking a little bit. And, man, he's scared the shit out of me.

Like, how bad it could be, how dark it could be. I won this comedy contest at the comedy contest. stop. It was funny. They give you this jacket and then I moved down here. There's no fucking way I'm wearing that jacket around here. I'd get teased mercilessly. Not mercilessly. It would just be like forever. So, but when I, and so I was talk, I don't even know this guy's name, but one of the comic judges was telling me, yeah, you don't want to do this. His wife was with him. She's like, yeah, it's really hard to, you know, have a relationship. and I'm looking around the people around me.

Like nobody was getting married. Nobody was getting married, except for the people who were already married when they moved down here. You know, like the Lern and Oshack, people like that. You know, but nobody was in relationships except with other comics. And that's just like...

That's a losing situation. Yeah, you know it is. Those first seven years of comedy, one of the hardest things. but it was weird it was like reading the I read the what's the guy's fucking

guitar play Keith Richards and he was like you know when you go off smack you know it's seven days of fucking hell you know but you know it going in I knew it but I had nothing else going on

like nothing that I really wanted to do like this was it like once I got into this I knew it once I did it it took me three years to the decide the path how I was going to do it. You know, one day when I said, that's it.

This is what I'm going to do. I don't want to be a Hollywood movie. I didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to travel and do stand-up at that point. It ended up becoming something else. And when I got here, wow. I mean, I remember living on Stanhope's couch, living in an RV.

I mean, I lived in so many places. But at that point, I knew that anywhere I would go, I would have to go through the same. So let's say I became a mason and I came and worked for you. What are they going to pay me? They're going to pay me $8 an hour

while I start. What the fuck's $8 now going to do for me? If not, I would have to go to a photo mat. Or just something and start ground level again at 33 or 32. I think, how long have I been in L.A.? 17 years? I'm 51. So I got here, yeah.

When I was fucking 34 or something, I was long in the fucking tooth already. So what were my options? I got here in March, I got here in January, and I fucking struggled and struggled. And what really bailed me out was a commercial. But that commercial paid the prior to four years. It just caught up with the four years of damage I had just lived. With the lease, send me 200.

Lee, sent me 200. You know, I had to take care of all my friends and this. And then I was left with some money. But that let me know I could do it. Do you follow me? And then I had two or three years of death, but that commercial let me know I could do it, that one stupid Taco Bell commercial,

which I got on luck. It was all luck from A to Z. That let me know I could do it, and I hung on. Then I got a CBS pilot, and that let me know a little bit. And then I just kept playing it. My wife and I were talking to you there.

She goes, I remember you being so fucking frustrated. You couldn't even sleep at night. You were so frustrated. Like, I remember staying in with you, and you could not sleep. It was amazing, you know, living in a one-bedroom apartment, having $24 in your ATM card, and your wife having, well, she wasn't my wife at the time, her having $68 in ATM. You know, paying the rent on the first, I'm barely making $700 rent.

That's $350 apiece. You know, it wears on you. It wears on you when you have, you don't wear underwear, not because you don't like to wear underwear, because if it's between underwear or socks, you're going to buy a pack. like a socks, underwear to wait, you know. You gotta get your hair cut once every six weeks and it's gotta be a good haircut. You figure out ways. Once you're poor like that, you do figure out ways to, there was a gas station on sunset

in between Kurson and whatever. The guy that ran it was always outside helping people. I would always steal a pack of cigarettes. I always had a way. I didn't get what I wanted, but I got what I needed, you know. I didn't know when it was going to end. I didn't know when it was going to end. And I think it took me seven years to catch a financial break.

You know, because when you're in the business, yeah, you're books on it and you make $5,000. But that's it. That's it for the year. So you're happy. Yeah, I made $5,400 on this shoot. But that's it. You know, once that $5,400's over, you're back to $15 sets at the comedy store. And, you know, in those days, they paid your $300 to go on the road with no fucking plane ticket.

300 on the road with no plane ticket your plane tickets $99 that means you got 201 in a strange city to eat, fuck, suck and come back to pay your bills with so it's a fucking struggle you know now when I met you you started writing

so you always had writing gigs what was your first writing gig I started writing for well once I started I got laid off from my job in the music industry but I had met some publicists and I was dating a publicist and so I started getting work doing bios just on the basis they knew I could write because I had always been like the writer boy

when my first writing contest when I was like four about what a great father I had you know he's still got it framed on his wall which is kind of cute says me and the most money in the world and he was like an unlisted guy in the Air Force so he was actually they had to pick up cans to buy baby formula for my sister you know because like they didn't pay military guys anything back then anyway but just like the irony of me talking about and that's what I thought at the time I didn't realize we were poor until I was like 16 and guys from other schools started picking up chicks from my high school and like everybody around who actually went to my

my school had like really trash crappy you know old cars and then guys shown up in brand new BMWs at my age like oh wow we don't make much money but you know like it never occurred to me that I had less than anybody because I guess because I was in my dad was in the military so everybody basically had the same shit yeah so when you got into writing out here oh yeah so what I So what I was doing was I was writing baby band bios, which is horrific. I will never, ever, ever, no matter how desperate I get to do that. I mean, how do I write a biography for a person who has no life experience? You know, like she's been taking piano lessons since she was four, and now she's got this album.

But she's never done anything before. Anyway, it's a horrific writing experience. corporate bios, press releases. It's amazing this stuff we do to make money. My first job here, I had a better title, but I was like building furniture. And one day I was scraping labels off of camera cases

with gougon and a butter knife. I was paying my student loans back, and I was like, fuck. And what was your title? Assistant editor. And you was putting furniture together. Putting furniture together, cleaning, reorganizing shit. go gone it was terrible because for a while there you were coming to the

economy store and that's how I met and that's how we talked every Sunday night we talk about shit and blah blah blah and then I remember you getting writing work yeah no so so you know you wrote for high times for a while no I pitched an article on I was freelance writing for a while I was writing for a bunch of different magazines and like LA architecture and which is cool.

Like they said, hey, do you know anything about architecture? And I was broke. And I was like, yes, I do. I've read about that. And so I got work doing that. And so anyway, you just, if you're a freelance writer, you just send query letters to editors and say, hey, would you be interested in a story about this

or whatever your pitch is, right? Would it be stuff you'd already written or no? No, no, no. You usually just send the query. like just say and then if you're somebody's interested then you can go do it or you might have if you think you've got something that that's definitely going to sell you might have already like built it up be even easier then but um so you just pitch it that's how you get your work and uh that's what I wanted to do for a long time and so I was happy even though but the problem is you never know

when you get paid uh it doesn't get paid until it gets published and so you You can do a lot of work. And so, yeah, your $2,000 check. There's always a fucking, by the way, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. There's always a fucking by the way in the entertainment business. People think at home that you come out here and you're drinking bloody marries all day. I just did a job a month ago.

I just got the fucking check because they sent the check to the agent. Then the agent, the accountant will come in for one week. Then he fills it on. By the time you fucking get it, it could have sent it on horseback. I would have got it before that. You know what? I'm the type of dude. When I do something, I want my fucking money.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about three weeks. I don't know. Send me the fucking check. So I called the agent here. I said, I love you guys to death. I respect you, but from now on, I'm getting the checks direct. Well, we don't do that. When I'm we can't represent me.

I don't want checks 50 days out. This check got cut September 8th. Why am I getting it? October 4th? Why? And then Burbank? You know? They got fucking no.

So, you know, it's always something. And that shit, my fucking juice side? gets fucking furious. You think I'm fucking kidding you. I just don't say none. When I do a job and they say 10 days, I'm not sweating it,

but in the back of my mind, I'm like, it's day number eight. Yeah. This motherfucker better be in my mailbox by Thursday. Well, it's amazing how many free jobs

that people ask you to do. Like, you must have had, not when you're an open micer, but when you were a professional comic, you must get requests for free stuff. I know you do. You get requests for, like, YouTube videos.

And you're like, what the hell, man? Free is how you get experience. You follow me? So it's like if I come to Scott right now, Scott ain't doing dick anyway. And I go, Scott, I got this hot fucking magazine. What's a hot magazine? Anybody know? You know any magazines?

No. A jujitsu fucking weekly. Okay? And I go, Scott, I can't get you paid, but I get you an article in there once a a fucking week. There's some things that are worth doing. It's got a million readers shit. You know what?

And I guarantee you, they got it. that comes to Scott is getting $200 for that article. He just talks, Scott. And Scott's a saint of a guy. Somebody's got to be fucking getting paid. It's like those people I do those fucking Halloween movies for, the Christmas movie. They call you every year and tell you how they didn't make money in this movie. But why would you do it again?

Would you keep fucking the same crack call if she gave you syphilis? I don't fucking think so. And that's why I tell them. I go, who do you people think you're kidding? This is what you give me for this movie. And they go, okay, but we can't do this for the next one. Then they call you with the next one and tell you the same thing. we're doing another one.

Okay, as long as that motherfucker goes up. Oh, we didn't sell it to do. You sold it to somebody because fucking, somebody's always getting paid. Why would you do it? I love those people. I don't even know why I do this. I'm not making any money.

Then why are you doing it? I wouldn't do it. I'd be at home giving my wife a stabbing. Eating fucking donuts. You know, seriously. There's a point between being an intern. Like a couple years when I came out here, these NBC interns were suing NBC because they said

they only got coffee and they weren't doing real work. And those people are idiots because they'll never work again. There's a point of being an intern, but there's a point where you have to, and it's basically yourself where you say you're professional and you can't help out a free independent movie for a credit and next time they'll pay you. Because then you don't get money. You all got to start somewhere. Yeah.

And it's up to you what you want to do. There's people that get money for every move they make. There's people that don't ask if you don't ask. you're not going to get it. Right. And if you ask somebody and they get insulted, then that person's not real. They were going to fuck you in the ass anyway.

Am I lying to you? Right or wrong. If you ask somebody for money, they get insulted. How many times... Listen, I've had this happen. I've had somebody call you and you tell them no, and they'll call somebody else

and pay that person. Are you serious? There's people who are fucking ridiculous. So, you know what, man? You only live once. You only go around this corner once. You should always ask for something. And sometimes you might do something for half price,

but just working alongside somebody. When Rogan calls me, you know, I went on the road with Rogan for six or seven years, even when I was headlining. People go, why are you going on the road with him? I might learn something. I got another opportunity to try my joke in front of these fucking people in the theater in Washington, D.C.

Why wouldn't I go? If there's 3,000 people there, and one of those person likes me and follows me and listens to the fucking podcast, that's great. So there's things. There's, you know, now when people call me, they try, oh, yeah, because I'm doing it. Listen, guy, go away.

You know what I'm saying? Go away. Because, no. But there's people that, I just got to film the other day. I swear to God, I'll show this to you. You're going to die. Who's in this movie? I did a short film.

I didn't know these people in this movie. Everybody is a star. I'm the only fucking loser. It was an NBC deal. That's why I never gave it to me. Didn't I tell you? No. I was waiting for a reel and these motherfuckers wouldn't send it to me.

No. And the kid wouldn't give me an answer. I got a call like two years ago. Hi, this is Mars right, NBC. We're shooting this fucking thing. Oh, that thing with the community people? Community people. Oh.

It's got everybody. Chris, dirty rock people. Anything on NBC? The one with the office. Those people are in it. Dirty Rock are in it. Fucking community. Communities in it.

So it's everybody from NBC. and I own an Italian restaurant It's about the Boy Scots and they sell heroin nationwide So the Boy Scouts are going on camping trip but what they're really doing is distributing heroin and all these markets and I'm the main distributor

They come to me at this Italian restaurant And they talk about Zidi It's fucking classic I watch it and everybody I mean every single fucking person I did it for free I was furious I did it You know now people saw me in a circle

Of good people So sometimes that was I did that as a favor for them her but it was she told me you're gonna be in and out there joey it's two hours i got there at eight and i was in my call by 930 but i did it for free but i didn't know i was gonna be in the circle with all those people makes me look good no that's true i see what you're saying there are different are points where you you should uh sacrifice money for for like moving ahead but there are some people who take advantage especially out here yeah so they'll take fucking

event they'll ask you to write with two articles they're pretty good they'll ask you to write for life. And then you'll say to them, hey, dog, not for none. You're charging $3 for that magazine. Nothing drickles down this way. How dare you? After what I've done for you? I've published you. Really? But where's my fucking money from the yields of my fucking labor, cocksucker? Yeah, I actually tried writing for MMA sites. And they kind of said that I would need to work for free and I'd been professional for so long that I was like I've kind of already earned my chops I've got my publishing clips I'm just not interested in doing it for that you know it's just at a certain point it becomes what you but in the beginning

fuck yeah you get published yeah yeah you know the byline's at me in high times oh I got Eddie in high times okay who got me in high times I don't think it was me somebody contacted me and I said, write an article about the first time you got a eye. I wrote a story about my friend taking me to a church in the village, and I was fucking blown away. Like, I never went back to a Catholic church again. Like, that's how much. Then my mother died shortly after that.

I was like, I'm done with God. I'm done with that motherfucker. They're selling weed and shit. But I wrote that story. But it's just... Now, I knew you in 97, 98. Then you disappeared. And then one day I walked into an Eddie Bravo class,

and there you are sweating like a pig rolling around with a new look, a complete new physique, and an air of confidence. What happened? What made you... I mean, if they put you in the room and said, pick a jih Tjitsu guy in here, you're the last motherfucker I would have picked.

What made you walk in daddy brawls? Actually, my roommate... What year was this? I started... My first day was February 15, 2005. Wow. And what made you? you walk into Eddie Bravo?

Well, I was living with Sam Tripli, and he was going to go down. Joe Rogan was encouraging a lot of comics to try Eddie's class. And I wasn't going to let my roommate be able to kick my ass, so I went down with him. And I was looking for something. I didn't like the gym. I hate counting 10 or 12 over and over again. I find it monotonous. And so, and I decided, I was, actually, I was looking for what I was going to be in life

because I had just kind of like acknowledged, admitted myself, I'm not interested in doing comedy anymore. It's a very difficult decision because it's your identity, you know, you're a comic. No matter what you're doing, nobody describes themselves by the jobs that they're doing to get by at the time. You know, you're a comic, and you're always doing comedy. It makes me sad to go watch comedy nowadays, you know, because that was something that I loved. And then somebody would tell a bad joke. I'm like, dude, I could be up to it.

And I'm just too competitive as part of it, I guess. Anyway, I miss it. But I forgot where I was going. Why he started Jiu-Jitsu, yeah. Oh, Jiu-Jitsu. So Sam took me down. We went down, and I had no idea who Eddie Bravo was. No idea at all.

This at the bomb squad. On Santa Monica Boulevard. It was a traitor Joe's. I believe it got closed, though. But what's the restaurant there? Oh, the Yukon, I think. The Yukon. The U-Kahn.

The U-Kahn. Right. Leelows that shit. What's the Yukon of Mining Company? They sell shit that'll kill you. I love that shit. I love that shit. So I was, I guess I was 30, 31 at the time.

And I was, I had just recently started new medicine, right? And that it basically, I could work out. I had like, I had an narcolepsy. And I started a medicine that basically made, it where I'm like 99.9% right? Whoa. And it changed everything for me. Did you ever have like a bad accident?

No, no. Okay. It's just like I was diagnosed with it and you know, oddly enough I, my problem was when I laugh too hard, I fall down. Oh. And so I went in a stand-up comedy because I got balls like that. What happens during the collapse? Okay, so there's a chemical that prevents you from acting out your dreams when you go to sleep. So, you know, like if you're dreaming like you're a nam or something and you've got to kill the Viet Cong,

well, you don't wake up and find your wife dead, you know. So you're paralyzed while you sleep. And for narcoleptics, certain emotional states can trigger that chemical to get released. Oh, shit. And so I'm technically awake. and asleep at the same time when that happens. So it shuts my body down, but my body's sending messages,

hey, don't fall down, so it's all, and in my case, the primary trigger is laughter. Are you serious? Yeah. And so, I mean, man, when I first got, when it first went... It's fucked up. Yeah, it is. When it first went full, I couldn't laugh at all

when it went full blown. Like, when I was 18, 19. that's why I got kicked out of the Navy. It happened in the Navy. And it just, like, watching The Simpsons was, like, murder. But I'm like, I'm going to take it. I'm going to take it. I'm not backing down off of this.

And so I'd have to watch the same show, like, three times because I would miss that much of the material because I'd be on the ground. You know, I had to, like, get a beanbag. Because the chairs, I kept falling out of them. It was like to. So can it be like anger for some people or sadness? It can be anger.

Fear can do it. This sounds like a stupid question, but are you allowed to drive if you have narcolepsy? Actually, I don't have a license. Oh, wow. Although I finally got cleared. Okay. Like, I am clear to go get a license. I just apparently am afraid to go do that is what I guess it is.

Well, that's awesome. now you did comedy, now you're doing a fighting sport. Yeah, no. So anyway, I realized that my body didn't have the limitations that it formally had. Like, I took this medicine day one. I was like, holy shit, this is what awake is. You know, it was different. It fixed me, and it's GHB.

And I was like, wow, this is, I was like, I was waking up and my legs were warm. just like a warm tingley feeling. It's like, this is amazing. I get this warm tingling. And somebody goes, Scott, that's called circulation. I was like, really? Well, fucking circulation rocks. It was just, you know, like things I didn't realize were wrong,

where all of a sudden fixed. This is all from non-galapsy. Yeah, yeah. It's just like, because it's neurological. And so anytime something's wrong with your brain, it just rewires itself and all sorts of crap. shit happens as a side effect. So like one of my minor side effects was I couldn't like sweat properly. Like when I was in boot camp, everybody's soaking wet from the workout except me.

Like I'm like my chest is dry. And so they're like, you know, yelling at me because clearly I'm not working out hard enough. So I had to learn to start taking it off my face and wiping it on my chest so that they, because I wasn't sweating. And so I'd get sick from the working out because I wasn't releasing the toxins. And so, you know, it kind of like really helped me back. So what does your medicine do? Oh, wait, we got to come in. Sorry. Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

There's the man of steel. What's happened, little brother? What's up, dog? How you doing? Sitting here with one of your main motherfuckers, Scott Ross. Oh, shit. Scott Ross. Just being class. What's going on? You have a joke? We got it covered. We got it covered.

Renato's down there as the Brazilian fucking teaching. spider guard to the fucking zombie. Are we on the air right now? We're on the air, brother. It's all yours. Tell these people what's cracking. This Friday at the Florentine Gardens

in Hollywood, my grappling show, it's called EBI, Eddie Bravo, Invitational. If you're anywhere in Southern California and you enjoy Jiu-Jitsu. Or even if you're not really that into Jiu-Jitsu because the point system has

a boarding to death. I designed a tournament just for you, for the guys who are bored with points tournaments. And we've done one show so far. It's available on YouTube. EBI 1's on YouTube. Available for free.

All you got to do is search A Bravo Invitational EBI 1. Just put all that in the search because there's a lot of EBI bootlegs and you don't want to, you know, If you want to watch the version that I put out with Commentary, Scott Ross of the commentator, also Eric Compeller Cruz is the color commentator with different camera angles is professionally shot. You want to watch the professional one.

Eddie Bravo invitation of EBI won two parts. Part one is a featherweight, 16-man featherweight tournament. Part two is a 16-man welterweight tournament. All submission only one match at a time. and EBI1 had a 95% submission ratio every match action in both 16-man bracket the federates in the world's which every match went to submission except for the final in the federal division.

So it's a beautiful thing watching a 16-man tournament unfold, watching them one at a time, the match is one-in-a-time. Generally, people are watching fights on YouTube, you know, one match at a time. They're not watching the whole thing unfold, and that's what I think is different about EBI. I mean, Metamorph is a fantastic show. I love Metamorce.

I love Abu Dhabi. But, you know, a tournament, in my opinion, is more exciting to watch than single matches only because you get to see a piece of the finalist careers. I can see their last three fights that night. You know, it's a beautiful thing. And even if you don't know anybody in the tournament, by the time you watch or get to the finals, You know exactly where those finals are. And EBI1 was very successful.

Like I said, it's available for free on YouTube. And this Friday's EBI 2, featuring Gio Freakasorin Martinez, he won. The Featherweight won an EBI one. He won the Featherweight Division. And now he's dropping down to Phantom Way trying to take both titles. And Danny Picocopos is also in it. He's going to the 55 Division, Mason, Mason Orchards doing the 55 Division. Barrett Rochita is doing the 155 division.

Eric Medina. Eric Medina. Eric Medina from John Jack Machado. He's doing 135. We have Fabio Posos. He's a Cobrina Black Belt. He's doing 135. So, you know, we could very well see Gio Martinez versus Fabio Pazos in the final.

That's a possibility. Who knows? There could be some huge upsets. and maybe both guys get knocked out. Who knows? Also, 10th Planet Riverside instructor Randall Dahl F. He's doing 35. 10th Planet Corona head instructor, Jeremy Fields.

He's doing 155, and we got a Marcel Garcia representative. We got guys from all different kinds of schools. It's going to be a crazy event. Again, we're doing two divisions, 1.35 and 155 this Friday. doors open at 6 o'clock. It's in Hollywood. Tickets of 35 bucks. I wanted it to be 25 bucks, but we all, you know, my partner, he twisted my arm.

And so it's going to be 35. That's still very, very cheap. And you can get your tickets at Eddie Bravo Invitational.com. You can get them now. There's still plenty of feet available. It's for sure going to be a barn burner. And what also makes EBI a little bit different is our overtime rounds are based on submissions and not based on who the better wrestler is.

So I totally revamped and redesigned overtime rounds to make it more exciting. And make it more about who is a better submission artist, not who is a better wrestler. I love wrestling, wrestling, vital in the sport. But we want to see, I think as a whole, we'd rather see submissions more than, two guys wrestling in trying to pick each other that, so kind of eliminated that from the sport. This EBI is about finding out who the best

submission artist is not, who the best points players are, who are the best, who are the best at getting advantages and stall there's no incentive to install at all in the BIA. We took out every incentive. So

it's high-paced, high-action, and the goal is to get this show to mid-jure. J-Jitsu exciting enough that American networks will want to air it. I mean, there's no reason why we can't have exciting Jiu-Sat on TV. There's, you know, they've got dudes pulling tractors with their teeth. You know, there's no reason why we can't have some high-quality J-Git-Soo. I saw a dart on the other fucking night.

At 11 o'clock at night, on ESPN, I saw a game of darts. I felt like fucking shooting that fucking TV. I used to hate darts when I was a kid. When I go to a ball and try to snort blow, there's a bunch of, fucking dudes with Leonard Skinner shirts on throwing fucking darts. Get the fuck out of here. There's an activity. There's a bar. Go snort blow like everybody else, you're fuck.

So if they have darts on fucking TV, they can have Jiu-Jitsu on TV. 11 o'clock every night, five nights a week for a half hour. You know what I'm saying? Why not? Why not? Why not? Why not? In the middle of the fucking matches, any teaches a move? Like Red on Roundball, I was watching the NBA channel the other day. In the 80s,

Red Orbach, the coach of the fucking Celtics, would teach a move. At halftime. Every week, Eddie brings somebody in. Well, he teaches his own fucking move. You know, you can make it exciting on TV. You really can. Well, you know, Eddie's rules that he has for it do make it exciting.

Exciting, yeah. Like, there's no reason to just stall out, and there's incentive not to stall out, you know. And as a matter of fact, only one match went to overtime at the first one. And that over time, that went to overtime was, because the overtime rounds are based on submissions, it was a lot more exciting to see than an overtime round based on wrestling. So, again, I love wrestling. It's very important.

I call all my guys the wrestle, wrestle, wrestle, but as far as putting asses in seats to watch a grappling event, it has to be heavy on submissions. It has to be all about submissions. You know, any problem. You know, life is really, you know, life is really, Life is really nice, you know. I've known you for a while.

I've known Scott for a while, and it's great to watch when people, you know, families or they grow in life. But this has just been amazing the last five years for me because we're all growing together. You're getting into a different part of Jiu-Jitsu. You know, you were a great Jiu-Jitsu guy. Now you really want to spread the word. And it's amazing to see everybody fucking grow.

Growing, you know. Yeah. You just went and taught Jiu-Jitsu. You know, you know. Just right now, I'm at Penn Planet Oceanside right now with Gio Martinez. The weird thing is I'm talking about in and how EDI's teaching. I'm actually here in Oceanside teaching her to school right now. I'm looking at them right now.

I'm wearing a Penn Prento Freaks rash guard right now. And, damn it, I forgot what I was going to say, Joey. Hey, fuck it. The reef is working, you know what I'm saying? Oh, you know what I thought? Oh, no, you know what I saw? But we were at his house before a class, and I saw Joe Rogan on our, Ari's show on Comedy Central.

And I'm like, I'm like, God. And I was just thinking, because you're saying, we all grew in our own ways. Before I saw that Ari's show, I'm like, wow, I saw Steve and Izzy in the league. Like, right before that, I'm like, man, like all these guys from the comedy stores, Stephen Azizzi, Ari Shafir,

that's like the original, like, guest squad, you know? Right there, everyone's got their own shows now. I'm blowing up, you're blowing up. It's pretty crazy, how. Birds of a feather, man. That stuff's real. You know, it's amazing that you're looking to put jujitsu on the map in a different way.

Like, who would have fucking thought three years ago, four or five years ago, we were talking shit in the back of a plane? You never dreamed of VBI. I mean, I know you did. I know you. So it was always in the back of your mind. You had it planned out.

But it's just amazing where things are going, man. And it's really beautiful to see. When I went to New York, my fucking nephew came up to me, and he's like, hey, man, I went to a tournament and I did well I beat the guy but he had one of your patches

on his gear hurt my feelings he goes but at the same time he goes you gotta hook me up with Eddie Bravo stuff like he couldn't believe that I knew you

I got this tournament it was a little regional tournament and people were talking about you and he's like wow Joey hangs out with him he knows who it is so in these circles

you're like this Bruce Lee of Jiujitsu because you're bringing something different for the table, man. And that's what you wanted. That's what you always wanted, you know. Whether it's no ghee, whether it's the submissions only, that's what you've always wanted to help the game. Yeah, man, I don't know.

I don't know. I wouldn't be doing any of this if someone else already did it. I mean, I would rather just sit back and enjoy a show like EDI and these rules. I was trying to talk people into these rules, these different promoters. I didn't even want to do it. I just want to enjoy it. I couldn't talk in anybody, any promoters into these rules that I got into this format. So there just came a point where I just thought, I just got to do it.

And Victor Bobby Law, my partner in EBI, he's the one who's actually producing it and making it happen. They're just my rules and my concepts. But Vitor is the one who's out there busting his ass and making it happen and using all his television connections to the UFC and all that to make this happening. All we're trying to do is get. jiu-jitsu on TV and make it as exciting as possible, man. So every jihitsu fan should enjoy it. If you're a real jih Tutsi-send, you should enjoy what we're trying to do. I think you should be trying to help us out, and I'm rooting for this to work, you know,

because all it's going to do is just elevate jihitsu. And, you know, I have a lot of people who out there in the jih Tjitsu who hope I fail and what I try and all of stuff. And I hope one day those feelings can change, and people really do realize that I'm just trying to improve Jiu-Jitsu, man. And I need all the help I can get, and all the guys in my association, we're all working together trying to make this happen. And we could even more help. It would be nice if the entire Brazilian jiu-sitist community, we all got together. And we pushed, we pushed, and we all put our minds together.

Like, how could we make Jiu-Jitsu as exciting as possible? And I think with EBI, I think we're pretty close back. EBI who was so successful, it was perfect, man. It couldn't have gone any better. And we just continue to hope that we can keep pulling off the shows. Who knows maybe EBI 2 this Friday will be a disaster. Who knows maybe it sucks, but there's so many quality guys in the tournament that, man, anything had happened.

But, of course, we're hoping for the best. and I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure it's going to be another exciting show hopefully just as exciting as EBI 1 I love you brother I'm gonna have the church people go out there on Friday night and support

you see how to give them a hug cock suckers don't fuck around beautiful man wear deodorant Eddie bravo etibramvitational.com for tickets 10 planet j.j.com if you want to learn the 10th planet system if you want to find out if there's a

location near you click locations you want to learn the 10th planet system click technique you want to buy some 10th Planet gear. We got some new stats. It just came out. Just press a collect store or shop. I forget which one it is.

And also we got a pretty cool forum at 10th Planetjj.com. Click the new beautiful forum. If you want to meet all the 10th Planner General, that's what we all hang out. Thank you, Joey, for having me on, man. Thank you, brother. Good luck on Friday. I'll be cheering for you, my man. Okay, man.

Stay black and beautiful. See, ma'am. Take it easy. You know, because, I mean, we live in L.A. here. To continue my conversation with you, we live in L.A. here. I mean, in 2005, there were a couple of jit-o schools, the grace, these couple people. You walked into Eddie's. And it's amazing how lucky I was.

Yeah. It is amazing. You know, yeah, it was synchronicity, you know, when the right shit happens. How was it at first one? There was nobody there. It was like, I believe my first class. It was just me and Sam. And I was at a day classes.

Day classes were really small. So I was basically getting like a semi-private lesson from Eddie Bravo. And I had no idea, no idea how fortunate I was. How was your first year? Well, let me put like the first week, like actually probably like my third day in. I looked around and I had. Paul Semtax Daily, the British MMA guy, he was on the left of me. He was training with us for like a week or two, I guess.

And then I had Gunner, which is our bionic marine guy, was on the other side of me. And he had the Marine record for doing pull-ups. So the guy was just in crazy good shape. And I'm like, I'm just trying to get in shape. These guys are athletes. What am I doing here? You know? And I overheated because I didn't know to drink enough water.

And I went outside to try to throw up. And I was like, what am I doing? I don't know if I can really handle this. And then I said, but this is what you wanted to do. You know, like I'd already decided. I was already, because the first day I met at Eagie, gives me his twister DVD. I went back, which is basically it's got a lot of his matches from Purple Belt Up so you can see his style develop and a little bit of his bio and he's got

these comedy skits in it, you know. Anyway, I watch it and he makes, he presents his argument for his system for why he does jiu-jitsu the way he does. And I critically analyzed it and I said, you know what, that makes sense. It sounds logical. I agree with that. And then, you know, and he had, you know, his win over the first one, you know. And it's like, wow, that's awesome. I'm lucky. And so, and I went and I just, I went to every class we had. And I said, I was thinking about doing like two of days every day, too.

And he's like, well, you know, you don't want to, you don't want to overdo it. You know, or something like that, you know, you might get burned out. And if he hadn't have said that, I would have been doing it. But because I was just, I wear ghee pants because I do you wear, wears geepants. I was just like, I agree. This man knows what he's talking about. I'm going to do what he's doing. You know, my game was the rubber guard.

My game was the lockdown. I have a killer lockdown. It's still like, well, if you're a white belt, you're going to tap. You know, because like when I put it on, it's just a genetic gift. You know, you can't, like, train to be able to do it. It's just my legs fit together, right? So I can really hurt people when I do it. I got really bony shins.

How long were you at Bomb Squad for training? I wanted to put you guys down there for. I think it was just, like, it was under two years. And then you guys moved to LaBray. Yeah, yeah. And I was telling Lee, because Lee likes Thai food. Yeah, they got an ice. Don't tell the name of the place, but one day I went there with Eddie and a roach fell from the ceiling on top of the tables.

We were eating the food. And I'm like, I was always against Thai food. Like, you don't understand. It was like a joke on me. Like, they were like, no, we're going to talk in the Thai place. And I'm like, I'm not going in there, Eddie. I don't like Thai food. He's like, come on, bro.

They got great fried rice. I know the guys. We go in there every night after Jiu-Jitsu. I'm in there two minutes talking and a fucking roach falls right on the table there. I lost my fucking mind. But that's where I walked in and I saw you. And it just destroyed my insides. Because I never figured you're for a jih Tzu guy.

Now you're back at change. You had a V back at the time. You know, when I met you, you were a thin guy. But now your body had transformed. Oh, absolutely. It was just amazing. Like his physique trans-fucking formed. You had the rash guard gun.

There was a polo. a sweat next to you, you were missing a toot, you were fucking horizontal. I tell you, man, I've done a lot of things. I've done construction. I was a hardy. You know, I did, not a haughty, like a fucking half-of-fact dancing. A hottie, like I carried fucking sod

and shit up hard, you know, concrete and shit, not a hottie, like a good-looking guy. Those are some great pictures to find. I know, but I did all this hard work. And martial arts, I've always loved it. Like Rassan's father was. was my first karate teacher when I came from Cuba when I was five in New York City.

Wow. How fucking crazy is that? Mr. Orange. I got my green belt from Mr. Orange. That's amazing. That's fucking crazy. And even like Mr. Orange's martial arts, he was a hardcore black dude.

And I think he hated white people. With 1969, 1968. So he made us, like, the class was an hour and a half, and the first half hour was hard, calisthenics, like, push-ups, sit-ups. I remember doing those things, clapping and going,

what the fuck is this shit? This is not what I want to do. I want to throw kicks. And the clinker was, he would make you run with your Gion in the neighborhood where you lived in. You don't know what life is, so you've got to run by the neighborhood bullies

where you're fucking Gion, and they see you walking. And he did that, so the next day you would fuck those motherfuckers out. I mean, that was the hard core of it. But to make a long story short, when I walked into VMAQ that first week of Jiu-Jitsu, those two classes,

were the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. No wrestling experience. I played high school football. You know, I played freshman year. I played semi-pro football when I was in the eighth grade when you weighed over 135 and you had to play like guys that were sophomores and we practiced twice a week.

You know, double fucking time. You know, when you play football, the first two weeks of football, you got to go to practice twice a day in a hundred-degree weather. burpees, you're doing fucking all this crazy shit. But I was also 50. You know, when I first walked into Jitza, I was 49 years old.

But the first two fucking classes I took, I was like, no, this is not working. This is not going to work for Uncle Jopi. It was completely against what I believe. First of all, I don't like bare feet. I don't like my feet bare. That's your first problem? Number one, number two, I don't like touching men's feet. Like, that'll never fucking happen.

I'll tap before I grab your fucking foot. All right. I didn't like guys' asses on me. I didn't like none of that shit. I'm like people sweating on me. And that's what made me want to go in there. I'm no type of guy that if I got a problem, I'm going to go deal with it. And it took me how many fucking years to be friends with Eddie?

And I go, you know what? They opened up a school a block from my house. And that's the only reason, Scott, I went in there. I go, this is perfect. Because it's a low-key school. It's a white belt school. Even now, three years in, they've only got a few blue belts with stripes. So everybody's a fucking white belt.

So the guy's like, you came to the right place. start from scratching here. That was the hardest thing I ever did. The hip escape, I almost died. Two or three hip escapes. Let me tell you, hip escapes are hard, with a motherfucker on top of you. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit! When you do that first hip escape and you haven't moved an inch, nothing has happened. So the first year, I mean, I can't imagine, but I can't. It makes you think how a guy like you who's very quiet and low-key kept going back.

Just kept going back. What made you go back? six, seven months in, eight months in. Now you're two years in and you go up to that fucking school where he had monsters over there. He had monsters on LaBreya. Those are monsters in there. That was intimidating.

You walked in there, you could smell testosterone and fucking triangles and shit. You could smell them. You could smell fucking submissions. What made you kept going back, man? The health of it, the choking out? You know, it was, I needed... I needed it.

I knew I was looking for something, and, you know, there's a void. What do you get from it when you go over there? Like, when you went there, two years in, and what do you get in now nine years in? Well, you know, it was a... An escape? No. It was a... I do...

There's several aspects of it. And one part was I really enjoyed the fact that I was improving myself. You know, it was fun, and I like that it is an intellectual challenge as well as physical. I couldn't go to the gym and work out as hard as I do as I do with Jiu-Jitsu, just rolling. There's no way. Like, I just don't have that sort of drive, you know. I find it very monotonous. So it never worked for me, you know?

I could never stick with it. But Jiu-Jitsu was like, that motherfucker, I'm going to get them tomorrow, you know? Every fucking day, there's somebody who got me. And it's like, you know, not tomorrow. And that's when you start out, that's the goal. Just like, oh, he's not going to catch me that way tomorrow. I'm going to get this. I'm going to go look it up.

I'm going to ask people. I never wanted to ask the person who kept catching me in a submission how to stop it because I knew he was going to go for it. I wanted to know how to reverse that shit. So I always had a defensive bent to me. And I just took to it. And then I'm competitive as hell. I didn't realize how competitive.

Well, I guess I forgot how competitive I am in a way. I had to remove that from my life at an early age. For me to succeed, I really. had to remove that. Remove what? Competitiveness? I had it too much as a child playing

in basketball. See, that's my first love. I think that's good. So I'm with you. I understand what you went through with the comedy. I still wake up at nights

and times and get upset about my basketball. Like, I want to get up and stab that coach because his negativity stopped me. I was never going to get nowhere in basketball,

but maybe it would have kept me in school for four years. Maybe it would have got me a scholarship vision to re-school. But this motherfucker, for his dislike of me, didn't play me. And I didn't take it as that. I took it as something different. At 14, you don't know how to take things. You know, so when you started talking about the comedy, I feel your pain because my first love was basketball. My first love was to be in an NCAA championship and start and go out there

for them to say where I was from and my name and for my friends to cheer for me. Once that was taken from me, I turned to drugs and all the other shit I did, you know. So I applaud you. The reason why I was pushing out of the jihitsu, because it feels a void for me too. It feels the, I don't like this Hollywood shit. Since day one, I didn't know how to escape it. My escape was getting a grammar blow at night and being by myself and processing the nose and why and why is Scott with three arts and Joe Diaz is with coloring book agency.

And why is Lee on CBS? that's a very hard thing on your mind. So after I got to get off the Coke, for me to lose the weight, I joined the Kung Fu School. I didn't want it to be with people that I knew. I didn't want them to know I was a comic. I just wanted him to think I was a fat fuck of white hair

from New York who looked like he had done blow for 80 years, and he just wanted to be in the back doing horse stances. You know, that was very important to me. After a while, they were like, hey, man. And I was watching TV as that. You and Spider-Man, too, and then the rat came out. And for a year I went, people would ask you questions, but it's amazing. I don't bring my phone into Jiu-Jitsu.

Same way, I don't bring my phone into the YMCA when I go work out. Same way when I do kettlebells, I don't bring my phone in because I want it to be my hour. It's my fucking hour. I know where the baby is and I know my wife, if the whole world ends, it's not my problem. I got a job to do. I got to do fucking this epileptical for 40 minutes. I got to hit the bag for 30. I got to throw some weights around.

And it was my hour to get away from the... Oh, my God, Scott. We love your article. We're going to use it next month. Listen, I've been doing this for 30 years, and your article was so amazing. But just like last time, we're not going to be able to pay you. And then as you leave, you see Harvey Homo with glasses coming,

and you see them give him a check for $500, and you read his fucking article, and it's about garbage. And it really fucks me with a guy like you, because this is what you do, you know? So it's amazing how I think the Jiu-Jitsu in a way fill that void for you, you know. I'm no fucking money. I can read it, but I know that ever since I started working out in 2007, my career has changed because it's given me that hour or two hours to get away from it, to just be a fat fuck

and try to get my oxygen to breathe better, just to do an extra 10 minutes on the epileptical, you know. Oh, sure. I think it does something like the same way a lot of people drop by happy hour, you know. They need to turn off from work mode, you know, so they can, like, go home. not shoot their families. And it does that. Like, whatever your problems are, you work out so hard that you really can't think about them.

You know? I've had nights where I've had to stop having conversations because I couldn't think I was too tired. And it's something that is good, though, because it'll let you reset. Because when I wake up the next day, I got a fresh perspective on things. You know, you need to be able to detach

to look at things objectively and come up with a better strategy. I applaud, you know, when I told Lee you were going to be on the show, I go, Scott Ross, a friend of mine, and we didn't know who the fuck I was talking about, and I've always thought... Well, I know now. Well, no, I'm saying.

Like, he does the beginner's class Friday, right? Right, that's the thing. You told me about it a lot. It's so weird that, you know, sometimes when people at home look at the guest on the thing, and I always find people that are very interesting, and I always thought you were interesting character, because, again, I would never pick you to walk into a jihitsu class. Not that you're a half of fruit, and I think I picked you for some of the most. You just don't have the muscle build.

You don't talk about it. You're very non-assuming, and that's the guys I've always said. I'm scared of the most. I grew up around tough guys, and I grew up around non-assuming guys. that'll put a shiv in your fucking eyeball. And you hear you're thinking, oh, that guy fucking reads encyclopedias for a living. That motherfucker will put a shiv in your fucking eyeball.

That guy over there that tells you's going to put a shiv in your eyeball. He's not going to do it to you. So it's you guys that scare me the most. And then I see what you're doing the jihitsu. And now you're a brown belt. And he's put you in charge of all the beginners. Yeah. And how much do you enjoy that?

I love it. I love it. This is it. Yeah, no. It's, we just had a competition this weekend. And I took a small crew. And I didn't compete. I just coached.

But, like, I'm a really mellow guy, even when I'm not high. I'm really mellow. How high are you now? I'm pretty damn high. That's a good fucking brownie. I don't fuck around it. You don't. That's a tremendous product.

Yeah, it is. You don't know how lucky you are, cuck, I could be giving you shri-old. This is good stuff. This is good stuff. New chef. New chef. But it's like when I start coaching. I get all Bobby Knight, you know.

I'm like threatening to kill them if they tap. I've done that before. I told a guy who was caught in like a neck crank. Don't you fucking tap to that. Don't you dare fucking tap to that neck crank. And he didn't. You know, he just took it. And he ended up winning the match.

And he got a medal. So it worked. How fun are tournaments? I didn't do wrestling in high school. But when you take the bus and he spent the whole day, he bought like peanut butter sandwiches on wheat because they told you that was healthy. Like those, like all day, tournaments like that are so fun going around from Matt to Matt

to see who's wrestling or do-d-d-d-d-too. Yeah, it's very similar in that sort of tournament style. I'm always running all over because I have like, everybody wants their coach to be the coach, but there's only one me and I have, you know, too many students. But it's amazing. It's amazing seeing my guys push themselves. and by guys, I mean men and women, because we've got a lot of women that compete.

And seeing them progress, and like, God, when they win, you're like, oh, thank God. It's very emotional. But seeing them improve, I like taking what, and I try to take what Eddie taught me, you know, and keep moving that. You know, that's paying it forward. Like, at one point in my life I was worried about,

well what am I going to do? I mean, what's my impact going to be? Like, as a failed comic. I didn't, you know, it was like, what's my impact going to be? Because I wasn't going to make it. First off, you're not a failed comic, bro. You took a different path. Yeah.

And you're maybe. 10 years from you might be the executive producer of a show calling me. Sure. Come on down, cocksucker. Yeah, no. Well, I did take a different route. And this is, I mean, this is, I love this, you know. I love being able to do this.

It's to me, it's something, I'm not pulling anything on anybody. I'm doing people a service, you know? And I love that. You know, it's hard to find a regular job where you're not compromising. How many days a week do you work? You work five days a week, four? Five days a week. You teach Friday?

Yeah. Do you really teach Friday? Yeah. Eddie doesn't? No. I take Thursday off, but then I'm, else to teach on Saturday. Okay, so you teach a beginning class on Friday?

Yeah. I teach Mondays and Wednesdays. I have a day class at 11. And then on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, I have a 630 class. And on Fridays, I have a 7.30 class. And on Saturdays, I have a 2 o'clock class. And do the guys rolling your class in the beginning? They don't have to because I have rolling days,

like Wednesdays and Fridays, they can roll. But I separate the mat, and so half the mats for rolling, and then half the mats for instructional purposes. Because, you know, if you're not ready to roll, then you're not ready to roll. Like, what's the point of playing the game if you don't know how to play the game? So... You don't believe in throwing somebody out there the first couple times?

If they want to. Okay. You know, that's what I did. I remember somebody holding me down my first night saying, hey, I'm not going to try to kill you. You know, because I was going, and this is what white belts do. They go spastic. You know, they, they, they're actually kind of dangerous because they're, you know, just swinging their limbs wildly.

And, you know, they could accidentally kill you. Kill you. Kill you. Yeah. You know. I was thinking about this earlier when Joe is talking about starting, how do you, like, as a teacher, because when you're in school, everyone starts the season at the same time, how do you as like a teacher, if you've had people, for six months, four months, and then a guy comes in first day, how do you break them in? Gently.

No, what I do is I always, most of my curriculum revolves around Eddie's warm-up exercises. Eddie needs everybody to know a bunch of techniques to be able to warm up in his class. That's how he warms up our classes. We just, like, drill certain techniques, certain seats. sequences of techniques. And so I'm always... What was it today? I didn't see it today.

I didn't see it today. Oh, yeah. Today's was a quarter guard. Quarterguard from what? Because it's like a thousand fucking things. I spoke to Scott about two months ago. I go, Scott, I'm going to drop in one of your classes. Just the warm-ups intimidated me so fucking much.

I can't do that shit with you guys are doing without that. Right. But I don't make you do all of those. I could actually only teach like one one. You guys go like from quarter guard, roll to fucking zombie land, hold them down, John Jock's Weep to the fucking mount. Well, no, like a really simple one would be

you're in quarter guard, you're in, and then so you're in quarter shell, which is making keeping your arm down so they can't get an underhook. and then you use your knee to bump them forward, then you have double unders, and then you just roll up on your knees. That's pretty simple, really.

But I would spend probably, I'd spend like one class teaching, like that, you to do that. I wouldn't be teaching, like, the entire warm-up series in one class. Like, I go pretty slow. Like, I break down, because it's really a series of techniques,

and I break it down by each technique. And then I also like give context because like you said, there's some people who are brand new, but there's also people who have been with me for two years. And so I like giving context for each technique. So you can know, and here's kind of like where you'll be at. Here's how you're really going to end up in this position where you would use this move. So I'd show a technique that's related. Like you might have been trying to escape from this and ended up in another submission.

something like that. It's very interesting how hot 10 planet is right now, but it's basically because it's a good program. It's a good... It's a great program, but it didn't hurt what happened this year with Metamorphs. I mean, it went crazy after that. It was really intense.

And I was just, I was there, and it was amazing to see that happen. It was amazing to see that. I've been to all of those a couple times. And he has a back room. And I've been back there with salami and rolled with the geek. But I've gone to two of all. There's no geek classes. And I'm just completely fucking lost.

Like just completely fucking lost. And it's a beginner one. It's something that I'm lost with the geese still. Like I know a couple aspects now. It's tough for me. You know, I decided just like comedy. You know, when I got into comedy, I got to comedy in June of 91. I did one time in June, I got on stage one time in July, I would get on stage once a month.

I did that until about October, and I started getting on stage twice a month. And then I had some problems, drug problems and shit. And I went to New York, and I was getting on stage once every two months. You know, I would tell people I was getting on stage every night, but I really wasn't. And it was until 94 where I go, that's it. I know what I have to do. Now I know. And I went full stage ahead, and here we are.

You know, once I put my mind to it. It's so weird that I really enjoy going. You know, I really, really enjoy going to Jiu-Jitsu. With the baby, I have a time lap in the daytime. My wife's working two days. If I have to leave on Thursday, they only have one class a week over here, which is Tuesday days. I have to go to class in the daytime.

You know, I can't get something at night. I do this Monday and Wednesdays. Tuesday now we usually have the podcast if I got to leave home. So I really can't go to a class at night. My shit is limited, you know. So now I have to go to Hollywood Famine. meetings, I went on Groupon, and I got a $10 thing, whatever. You know, that's the hot thing now, Groupon.

And everybody's on it. Like, my buddy bought a Cabrini one. Cabrini wants like $2.25 a month. My buddy got it, 10 visits for $40. It's $4 on Groupon. So he goes, if I'm in Hollywood, I just drop it. Hegan, I'm over there on that side of town. I didn't even know there was a school over there.

I thought it was Culver City, 10th Planet. I didn't even know where he was at. I don't know where that fucking place is at, Einstein. He's hidden somewhere in Culver City. Where is it? He's on La Sienaica now. He's within Beverly Hills Jiu-Jitsu. That's where he's...

Who is? Einstein. Is he? Yeah. He's still Tenth Planet, West L.A., but he's... Where's Beverly Hills Jiu-Zitsu? It's on La Cianica and something. You learn something nor do every fucking daily.

Yes, you do. What I wanted to say to you, bro, is that... that you're an interesting fucking guy. I didn't know about the narcolepsy, and that makes it even more interesting. But that gets it out to the people, man. You could have a thousand fucking things wrong with you. Oh, yeah.

If you want to, you know, I'm sick and tired of fucking excuses from people. And if anybody should have had an excuse, it was you and you didn't. Oh, well, you know, and you mentioned, like, I do look, I'm not like the person that people would think. Yeah, you're not bald. Right. No tattoos with, you know a crucifix in your forehead right so now everybody has this look you know you never

really had that love you know and people think uh well some of the guys to jim joke around and say that uh you know like i'm probably the most dangerous one because no one would ever expect ever expected no me to break something like that you know which is nice i'm also probably the most likely i just don't put myself in situations you know i can't imagine you know it'd have to be somebody was doing something, like attacking somebody. Oh, it'd have to be somebody was attacking somebody for me to actually jump in.

Yeah, yeah, like I would never be, I'm not getting in it. Listen, bro, either you're one of those people or you're not. You know, people think that if you walk away from a fight, you're not a fucking tough guy. Let me tell you something, I've been in fights, I've gotten beaten up and I've walked away from 20 fights

and there's away from one, especially on the street at night. You don't know what the bars, all that shit. You just ask him for trouble. I don't know what. You don't know what the person's going through. You don't know if he has a weapon. You know, you don't know if he's a black but you don't know what the fuck he is. You know what? That's too many question marks for me. Well, go to the fuck home. The thing that bothers me more than anything else

is like you could potentially kill somebody. Did you see the fucking angel? Did you see the San Francisco 49 in the game? There's two guys in the bathroom. No. Got beat up. Did you see what happened in the Angels game? Oh yeah, I heard about that. Three guys with a 43 year old guy. This could happen to you. I always told people I have a great fucking kick to the leg. All I need is to kick you in the leg and punch you in the fucking face and I go right to the car. There's no reason to jump up and down and call you a cunt

and be a tough guy. I got one good kick. I know if I get you with that kick in the knee, you're going to need some... You might beat me up, but you're going to go to a doctor tomorrow. At night, I usually go out like... I have work boots at the house, and I always say, if I kick somebody with these, it's not going to be a good day for them.

I'm going to break that fucking FEMA. I'll break that fucking fema bone This is a hamhawk Look at this fucking leg And I don't have good stuff But I got great fucking mule kicks And all I need is one leg kick And you need that

You need something out there Just to run All they is to kick you To hold your chin and go Like Dick Van Dyke And I'm running I'm running to the fucking car You gotta have something in your car

For protection, a pipe Really? A hanger For alley man There's a lot of fucking bad people out there There are There are but Jesus You know, all you could pray is is that you're a good person.

Before I leave the house, I look up and I go, the same spirit or whatever that protects me. You know, help protects my family and my friends today. You know, somebody don't come up. What comes up to the car and smacks you? You don't know. You listen. You're in the car with your fucking music

and you listen to a podcast. Some fucking ISIS could come right up to you and stab you in the fucking neck right there. You never fucking, no. Let me give some shout-outs here real quick. Mel Pryor from New Zealand You bad motherfucker James Redshaw

Brandy Lynn I'm gonna call you this week Don't fuck around Russ Sadigoo Whatever your fucking name is John Wolfe Josh Thompson And Frank Nilsen

I love you Coguckus What's up for you What are you going on your mind Oh shit We forgot about some Little Tony Benefier He fucked up the national

Anthony player He's 150 years old We didn't mention the We're not going no way Oh shit Oh shit To pick up the pieces When somebody breaks your heart

Are you kidding me or what? Break out the heroin, Cucksuckers. It's a new week. What do you want to do? You want to be a fucking follower and have that bushy mustache? I see that fucking bushy mustache on guys.

I'm going to beat somebody up. You know that jerk off on that TV show had the bushy mustache? What's his name? Parks and Rec. Yeah, you like it. What's his name? I don't know what his name is.

That bush That character is funny In 10 years when you're sucking dick That's the bush That's gonna tickle ISIS's dick You fucking fucking half of fruits With your little fake glasses And your mustache

Everybody's got The old man glasses now With the fake mustache That hangs over the lip So when you get ready to suck Some Arab terrorist dick That's the bush What they call that the shag

That's a cock shag You fucking idiots got Be yourself Stop being a fucking sheep all your life That's the reason why there's fucking ISIS and these terrorists. You're the first ones and I'll be sucking dick in 10 years. You fucking copycat motherfuckers.

Have an identity. Be a fucking man. These fucking assholes. I go out to Hollywood, the Dukon. I see 10 guys in a circle, four of them had the exact same look. And I looked at them with the old man glasses like they're old.

They're fucking 20. They're old man. And I have a bushy mustache. They're licking it like a fucking... And four of them are standing like you. Your mustache is so cool. Really? You're going to be so cool.

Are you fucking kidding me? No wonder ISIS is setting up. And 10 years, Russians will be fucking in the ass, too, you fucking followers. Remember we went to the comedy store, and the newspaper stand had the Sinatra hats, all like a big thing? Oh, Jesus Christ. Just in case, I got to put a, what do they call those snotra hats? What do you call them? I don't know.

There's a name for them. Fedora? Yeah, everybody's got a fedora now. Some skinny guy with fucking no sleeves on his shirt with tattoos or a fedora on. I'm fucking impressed. Get the fuck out of here. Tell these people where you're pushing, my son. So there's a Joey Karatey Rashgard.

That's right. I saw it the other day. It's a beautiful fucking thing. It is. It is. They did a great job with it. An ode to the Joey Karate character from the 10th Planet push. Joey Jiu Jitsu is making a fucking comeback now.

He's going to spell a little something soon. Is there a website they can get to that? You know what? We don't actually have a website that it's on. What we're doing is. is this is like the pre-order week. A lot of, I know a lot of the people that are in the 10th Planet community

listen to your, to your podcast. And you can, it's up on the 10th planet, 10th planet, oh yeah, the 10th Planet rash guards group on Facebook. Okay. Or on the forums, you can contact me. I'm the one who runs the rash guard group.

And then it's just like we're doing the pre-orders up until this Friday. So the way the pre-orders work is that people pay for the rash garden advance. The designs are up on the Facebook group or they'll be on the Nibiru forum. I can't say that right now. Anyway, the 10th Planet, the 10th Planet website, the forums. And you can see it there. We have it in short sleeve or long sleeve.

What's the biggest size? XXL. Two sizes. That's it? Yeah, two inches. I choke me the fuck out. No, no. Actually, I think I will fit.

I put a 10th planet. I guess they ordered a big size. I put it on one night. My wife was sleeping. I was choking the death and I couldn't get it all. It was stuck to me. It was the worst fucking feeling the world. I'll tell you what happened, though.

And I'm not plugging this shit. I'm just telling you what happened. Miandi send us a bunch of shit. And today I didn't have my two Jiu-Jitsu shirts, so I took a Mi-Undi shirt. Fucking amazing. Really? Did I give you a me on these T-Shed?

No, you gave me the pants, which are nice. Are your balls cool when I give it to? Oh, well, it's not the boxers. It's like the shorts. Jim's worth the very soft. Did you put them on yet? Hell yeah. You look hot.

I always look hot. You fucking cocksucker. Let me give a shout out to some sponsors. We'll get you out of here. On it! I love you, motherfuckeruckers. Always optimizing, making us better. Whether you got alpha brain, whether you got new mood,

whether you got Shroom Tech, whether you got Strongbone, which has helped me of my recovery and my knee. Honit is there for you. Go to On it. Go to the box and press in. Church. Church.

CH U.R. C.H. Why fuck around. Be the best than you could be like the foo fighters in 2005. The best of you. Why fuck around like a fucking Momo and take something that don't work for you?

Go to Onet today. They also have other type of products there like a fucking vest and you can jump up higher and all that type of shit and the kettle bells. They got great stuff, man. I go on for hours.

Let's give a shout out to my main bitches. I love these people. Hulu Plus. I get more compliments on Hulu Plus. I mean, you know what, man, I got a great group of sponsors, but Hulu Plus is the best. Hulu is so much more. You can watch shows. Guess what?

On your schedule, bitch. You don't have to watch them on some fucking other move schedule. Hulu has current season episodes of your favorite show. Where they got? Who put fucking Shark Tank on Friday? That's a good show. That should be like Tuesday. Now that's on Hulu Plus. Listen, I don't know what to tell you. Just watch Hulu Plus.

It works on your computer, smart TV, Roku, Apple TV, Xbox, pretty much any streaming device that you have, all right? But here's the beauty. $7.99 a month. That's right. $7.99 a month, you get shows anytime, anywhere. Right now I'm offering the fucking listeners, two weeks for free, two weeks for free, $799 later.

Who gives you that type of action, cock suckers? Enough with the bullshit. Hot Wives, Parity of the Real Hot. They got everything on that. Fucking Cosmo. or Space Odyssey, South Park, keeping up with the Kardashians, the bridge, American Dad, community.

This is the shit I watch. You understand me, General Hospital. Park some recreation so I can punch that door with the mustache right in the fucking thing. They got kids show. SpongeBob Squarepants. You got rapid invasion. You got breadwinners.

You got all this shit. My daughter don't watch, but she's got to start watching this shit. Sam and Kat. That show got canceled. But I still like it. It's a two fucking little hooker chick. What's the name?

I don't even know. Go to Huluplus. right now and press in the fucking box get two weeks for free on the arm and then 799 a month who's better than me nobody cocksucker let me tell you something else all right we're giving away something for free whether it's nature buy everybody's always giving away for them free it doesn't end right here dollar shave club remember what i told you fucking raises what do you want to stand online like a fucking communist for is that what you need to stand online at the store 20 fucking dollars a month if you pay for raises you know what that comes out to a year

You're 240. That means you're spending $2.40. Fuck that. I'm cutting your razor costs right in half. $6 a week. Two fucking double-blades. $6 a month. I'm sorry.

Thank God the Jews here. And he corrected me. $6 a week. It might throw them off. That's $24 a month. He won't be getting fucking cheeseburgers for two years. It's panicking. There's nothing worse than buying razors.

You got traffic. You got to sit in traffic at the fucking store. You got to come up with your points card. Don't do that shit no more. Go to Dollar Shave Club right now. For a few bucks a month, Dollar Shave Club, deliver his fucking razors right to your door. That's right.

You don't have to leave the house. No more standing in line. No more getting on the bus. I got a rusty razor. My wife shaved the pussy with it. You don't need that shit no more. Stop trudging to the store to pay for over-fucking price raises. Call.

Join Dollar Shave Club today. Slashchurch. That's Dollar Shave Club. Go to the box. Go to either Joey Dears. com. Or go to the Dollar Shaveclub. com webpage and slash in church.

All right. In the fucking box. All right. You're going to get razors sent to your house. You have to leave nowhere. Plus, I'm going to save you dore me. That's the main thing. I'm saving you dore me.

A dollar, $6 or $9 a month. Plus, for free today. Go to the Dollar Shave Club right now and they'll deliver this fucking moisturizer, free sample, Dr. Karut's tremendous. I put it on. Oh, the doctor covers shaving butter, right? Go fucking get it for free right now.

Get the raises, $1, $6, $9, and then get Dr. Carruit things. Then to my all-time favorite, Hittie Sigs, they ain't fucking around. Whether you want a cigar, whether you want a cigar, a cigarette that tastes like raspberries or some chick, I don't fucking know.

Go to Hittysigs.com. Cigars taste great. Edward Gawain't even fucking around. Go to HittiesSig's.com. You want to quit smoking? I got 0, 16, 24, 8 milligram. You can quit on your own fucking paste. You don't got to smoke.

Your fingers don't smell like your finger banged the crack hole. You can be free of it. That shit. Fuck that Dracula on TV with his blue cigarettes. Fuck that punk. Go to hit eSigs.com and get yourself 20% off the hits. Let me tell you something. They last longer and they taste a lot better.

You go to one of these stores, you buy this thing for $10. You're puff, you puff, 10 fucking minutes of things out. This thing I've been puffing on this for fucking three weeks. 1,200 hits guaranteed, longer lasting, and they taste better. Am I bullshit in your life? You're not bullshin. Go to fucking hitty6.com and press what? Joey's church.

shit in the box and get 20% off your first order and they deliver it to your house, right? Right, right to your house. Got to pay for delivering. I think it was only like a dollar when I did it. That's it, a dollar. That's it, a dollar ain't going to do dick fee. You know what I'm saying? It might have even been free. Free. What's free? Nothing's free.

Some stuff is free. They'll send you Dr. Carruth, but they'll send them nature's box? We send them Dollar Shave Club? Everybody's giving you something. Everyone's got something for me. Listen, when I negotiate for you people, I always get you something for you. I don't fuck around. I want you people to hang out. You know I love you. Scott Ross. Tell me something good, Docs.

Like, you're sitting there, you're stoned to the guilt. I got this fucking dunce over here. What's going on? How was Gerard Con Michael Special? I watched the beginning of it. You know what? The first six minutes of it. I've never seen him before.

I saw he was on Conan Dian. I heard he's a sweet fucking kid. I saw him once at the store, and he's not, like, it's not like, it's not super laugh-out-loud funny. It's like he's, I read a good interview with him, and it was just he sang some stuff that, is going to get people a little bit. Not upset. He's not being a douche about it. He's not like Bill Hicks.

He's not saying he's a douche, but he's more confrontational. He's just like mentioning it. Like he was talking a lot about growing up in the ghetto or the poor area of town. And Paula was like really connecting with it. I don't know. And then Spike Lee did it. And there's just so many things I dislike about other mainstream specials right now. And I'm not saying it was perfect, but it was one of the better ones that scene.

I haven't saved it at the house. So I'll watch. What else is the one on? You've seen Mr. Pickles? No. What is Mr. Piggles? It's a cartoon on Adult Swem network. It's about a satanic dog.

And so it's like lassie, but the reverse. That sounds terrible right now. That's so scary. In the pilot episode, the dog chops up a stripper and then uses the legs, stripper's legs for stilts and goes and does a little strip show. Listen, dog, I'm trying to get these people off the fucking couch and not watching cartoons. I love you to death. I don't believe in adults

fucking watching cartoons on skateboards. It gets me very fucking upset. You understand? You were doing some cartoons earlier than night? I was watching cartoons with my daughter because she's two fucking years old. That's a big difference. It's not like staying home and putting your feet up to watch a fucking cartoon.

You know, I love you, Scott. No disrespect. Don't say talking about cartoons on the fucking show. A better idea than would probably be to come down to our gym. That's right. tap out. I don't give a fuck. Go to, I saw a 20-year-old on a skateboard the other night,

and it got me really sad. Because that's the kid that's going to be sucking ISIS's dick in five years. When I was 20 on a Saturday night, I was eating some chick's pussy, mugging somebody, robbing somebody. I was doing something positive. You understand me? I was on a fucking skateboard riding down a fucking street with a pizza. Get the fuck home.

Get the fuck. No cartoons, Scott Ross. I don't like cartoons for adults. If you're over 20, no cartoons. And no fucking skateboards I hear in the fucking head with it. Anyway, anything else on the table? You know what? It's crazy.

Ankle locks. What? I love ankle locks. I don't because I got to touch your foot. You know? Well, like, once you learn how to do an ankle lock, you'd be surprised at how many people there are in the world that really want you to fuck up their ankle.

You know? It's just like every time somebody gives you grief, you just, oh, motherfucker. So you just grab their arm, twisting. Well, you're just thinking, like, you know, that's the, ankle I'm grabbing the night. Like it's just when I'm visualizing, when I'm trying to finish it. You know? That's the ambulance. It's emotional release.

What are you doing? What are you doing? Over the ambulance, man. Everything all right with you? Everything is okay. No, I was... I'm not eating no tonight. No, no, I said I said a reminder for when I get home to come and I eat. Yeah, you know, listen to that fucking thing. I've flown, nobody's around. What do you got the house to eat? Tons.

Like what? Got a pepperoni. Got some nice smoked turkey breast one yesterday. I got some chicken. I got some turkey. burgers. I got tons of food. Okay. Then you can eat. No, no, no. I can. How many calories you got that? Like 600, but it's too late.

Well, that's 600. We had a late breakfast. I had dinner late. Sure, you had a nice fucking weekend. Where did you go for breakfast today? Just Western bagel. Western bagel. Nice. There's some alternative bagels that are only 120 calories. What do they taste like? No, they're good. They're just small.

Like a fucking ISIS's ass on? No, they're good. They're just small. Yeah, yeah. They're just fucking small. You're killing me, though. You're a Jew. That's your fucking national, fucking vegetables. I had a good sassimmy bagel today too. You did? Yeah, it's Paula got the small one. I got the sesame bagel. And you put locks on that, mother's? No, I had bad

experience last week with locks, so I'm going just playing movies. Because you keep going to these wholesale fucking cheap places. No, it's a place I had been going for months. A good bagel place. Right, yeah. What's the name of it? Well, it used to be like New York bagel, but someone sold it. Right, and the Korean. No, no, they're stupid white girls. Like, there's terrible blonde

girl who said, who ruined the restaurant. It's just like she's caring more about what kind of crepes they have and the food has some. must like it. You like grapes. No, no, that's why we went to Western now. But, uh, fuck. What happened with the craps? I did a crepe class one one time and you ate the motherfucking crepec too.

I didn't. I'm not because I eat fucking crot. Tough guys don't eat fucking crepes. You eat about them. Because I was stoned and you brought it and gave me a cheese one in front of your girlfriend. I had to fucking eat. No, but anyway, I was thinking about it. What were you thinking about? So much. But, um, even though the

some, like, some of the stuff you do is kind of weird, you're going to, like, you have certain ways you think people should should live the life. And I know you're going to be not a mean parent, but like a strict parent. And like when I was leaving the elevator today,

as the doors opened, these family, one boy, one girl was there. And the boy just rushed in before I got out. And like I had like a flashback. Like if my,

it was my mom or my dad that would pull me back and said, no, you wait for the minute, like really corrected them and like made people polite. People don't do that. And it was, and the mom just did nothing.

And I was like, that's kind of, that's crazy. And then fucking walking down from the, elliptical place at the gym, these girls were texting and walking up the stairs. And right before she would have walked into me, I just said, excuse me. And she looked at me like, I did something wrong to her.

I'm like, what? And I just think about how you're going to, like, I don't see mercy turning out like that. No, respect. You got to respect people and you got to have your kids respect people. And I was thinking about it at the day how you got to fucking make them say mister and just little things. They're not doing that no more. And that's why these fucking 20 years we're going to have a fucking mess on our hands. Because you can't.

Like I read yesterday that a team mascot. Did you read about that? The NFL? The Jaguars? That said... These towels have Ebola or something like that. They do. You got to start thinking like that now.

If you wash your hands before, you better start washing fucking 20. Don't touch planes. My wife was telling me today that 40% of this 40% fecal matter on air, or water. That shit that you wash your hands with? Oh, on a plane? On the plane?

shit. Oh, God. Yeah, so she bought me like this fucking stuff in my hands and what the white to counter with and you have to it. It's all over people. That's it. You think Chinese people walking with those masks they blow farts? Fuck no. They already got hit with this shit. Besides that, I love you, motherfucker. Scott Ross,

I love you. Don't forget to order the Rashgar. I'm a little fucked up too. I'm a little fucked up too. Shut up, Cork Suckold. You shut up. I love you, Scott Ross. Thank you very much for doing what you're doing. You're an interesting cocksucker. Don't forget to check them out. the HQ. He teaches the beginners.

If you have any questions, reach out to him on Facebook. He'll help you. He's a great guy. Scott Ross at 10thlandajaj.J.com. Sorry, like a fucking echo. Like, you need it right now. And what's your problem? Fucko. I don't got a problem. All right. Everything. All right. I love you. Coxuckers. Have a great week. We'll see you in two days or tomorrow and I haven't decided yet. We'll be back. Stay black. I love you.

It's a surprise when it happened. Yeah. Go ahead. Now that the show's over, guys, don't forget to sign up for your. your free trial of Hulu Plus. Right now. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial two weeks free of Hulu Plus.

When you go to HuluPlus.com slash Joey or go to joey-diaz.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And don't forget to sign up for Doll Shave Club.com. Get high-quality razor sent you a door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. And now they're giving you a free trial of Dr. Carver's. shave butter, which is really great. Joey says it's better than a shaving cream. Go to dollar shaveclub.com forward slash church or go to

Joey Diaz.com and click on the dollar shave club banner and you don't have to type in anything. Also go to onit.com and use code word church to get 10% off of any of their great products. Alpha brand new mood, swim tech immune, swim tech sport. They'll send it to your house. They'll do everything for you. Onet.com code word church.

And go to hitesigs.com. That's hit. Sigs.com. It's better tasting, longer lasting. The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigrets, e-cigars. They're great guys. If you went to Joey's shows in New York, they were giving away tickets. They're really good guys. Go to hit

E-sigs.com and you use called Rhode Joey's Church for 20% off. Stay black. Little Eric Clapton for you, motherfuckers.