The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #219 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 8, 2022

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You could download that app also. And remember, that's Code Joey this Saturday at Draft King Sportsbook. Minimumannage and eligibility restrictions apply. See, show notes for details. Let's get this party started. It's Thursday morning, Cocksmokers. What up, you bad motherfuckers? Here we are on another Thursday.

I think it's the eighth of the day. December. I don't even fucking know anymore. Does it matter? Time just fucking flies, no matter what the fuck you want to do. It's been a great couple days. Feeling good, looking good. The team,

two and on, my wife's fucking basketball team. My wife's doing a great job coaching and shit. We went over there the other day for practice. What a fucking nightmare when you try. Listen, the hardest people to control are seven fucking young women.

My wife even told me afterwards, she goes, me taking this job and me taking this fucking coaching job, this is rough on me. Oh, she's going to bed at 10 o'clock, 930s and shit. So coaching is not for everybody. Thank God. I'm the assistant to the assistant to the assistant to the assistant. And I just sit over and yell, rebound, defense, jump, you fuck, bite them.

You know, shit like that. Fucking crazy news. Yesterday I got, I talked to Rogan last night, he was telling me about Caroline's closing, and then I went on line, I saw it, and I'm like, what the fuck? They're, I thought they were moving, but they're closing. You know, listen, I heard 20 different stories. I heard that they had to move out of there, the landlord raised a rent. You know, what landlord hasn't raised a rent?

You know, what landlord hasn't done cheesy things during this fucking, pandemic, you know. But from my perspective, I mean, as a comedian, how I got into it. When I got into it, listen, guys, when I got into it, it was plain and fucking simple. It was 1991, the clubs you wanted to perform at were Carolines in New York City. There was just something to that name. And the comedy store in LA, that's all I remember, guys. Everything else was background music.

Yeah, you wanted to do a club in Texas, and I wanted to play the undergrad. but the two main fucking clubs where, you know, Caroline's on Broadway. When I took the Sony Hall residency, I loved it because of those two words at the end. Sony Hall on Broadway. Do you understand the power of those two fucking words?

I mean, that's as powerful as can fucking be. So when I was a young comic looking up to, you know, what comedy club? I would write my goals down. You know how many fucking times I walked past Carolines in the summer of fucking 93 when I was delivering sales packages for phone companies and shit?

Do you have any of a fucking idea? I would walk by Carolines every day, the comic strip, and if I got up up that far, the 70s to the 80s, I'd stop at Stand Up New York. Why? I don't know.

At that time, I would just read their lineups. You know, like I would go to Carolines and see who was coming and go, wow, you know, this guy's going to come here. Wow, this guy's going to come there. You know, so I would go to Carolines as a fan. Like, I remember paying for tickets to go to Carolines. I forget who the fuck I went to see. Who the fuck did I go see?

I went to see the chick from Night Court, you know, like Marcia. And I went to see somebody else at Carolines. You know, I was already doing comedy. And it was like, I couldn't remember what they said. I couldn't remember what they said. I don't remember what they said. You know why? Because I was in awe the whole fucking time.

It had to be, yeah, like 93. I saw Marshall Warfield and I saw some other comic too. I forget who, maybe Martin Lawrence, maybe. I don't know who the fuck it was at Caroline. But they were tremendous. And I remember, you know, as a fucking comedy fan, And as a future comic, I didn't, listen, I remember when I heard that Martin Lawrence made 10,000 an episode of Def Jam. Like, I almost blew up.

And I'm like, 10,000 an episode, I'll never make that fucking money. But I'll be happy with 500. You know what I'm saying? But 10,000, like, I'll never make, like, that's the kind of money. When I started counting, he was getting 10,000 an episode, Carlos Mincereux. was getting like 7,500 episode for Locoslam. You know, you were hearing all these little things, you know, as a young comic, you're like a fucking washwoman. You know, what's going on here?

What do you think he makes? You know, whatever. So you fucking, you know, those were some outrageous fucking numbers, you know. So for me, I never thought I would reach that, but I would go to those shows and just be in fuck. Like, it was just tremendous, like everything. I didn't care if my drink was bad. I didn't care if there was no air conditioning. I was just happy to be there, like be a part or something.

Even as a fucking spectator, like I was like, wow, as a comedian, someday I'll pay fucking Carolines, you know. And it's funny because I left New Jersey, and I never thought I'd be good enough to play Caroline. It's like never, ever, ever, ever. And then I got a call one night, one day from a friend of mine, Roger, and he said, listen, do you want to do you want to do? He's a comedy booker in New York.

He goes, do you want to do the Toyota Comedy Festival? And I'm like, abs of fucking looting. You know, abs of fucking looting. Toyota Comedy Festival, everybody's going to Montreal and doing all these festivals. I'm at the fucking lonely New York City Toyota Comedy Festival. And fucking crazy. I went down there.

I invited my friends. This had to be 1990. maybe 2000. I get a call from Roger. Do you want to be on the Latino show at Carolines for the Toyota Comedy Festival? I'm like, fuck yeah. In fact, God rest of soul,

the kid who was putting it together, just died two weeks ago. Died with a long bauder cancer. Mike Robles, got rest of soul. But I went down there, I'm like, guys, this is Carolines, right? I'm going to fucking get my chance to be on.

Broadway. One of these theaters, one of these club owners is going to see me and run up to me and give me the deal of a lifetime and fucking tell me that I'm great. Yeah, this is what happens when you do those things. You know, I was at the comedy store already. It's not like I was walking around with a mind fuck. I was doing it, you know, so I get this thing to go to the comedy festival. I get to Caroline. 20 of my friends comes.

The show starts at fucking eight guys. You're not going to believe. this. This is just for young comics to let you know. Don't put you all your eggs in a basket. Your dream ain't going to happen. It's hard work that does it day in and day out. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you.

I get there and my buddies are in the audience. I'm excited. I got great material and they come up to me and they're like, we forgot to tell you, we booked the salsa band. So, listen, man, you know,

like I'd tell you. I'd young comedians, don't take it personal. This shit happens. For years, I was mad at Mike Robles over this. I mean, this happened in 2000. I didn't start talking to Mike Robles again until I found out he was sick. I gave him a call.

I sent some money. You know, he did put me on Locoslam and that. But I wanted to kill him that night. So my fucking thing was, you know, and I tell you guys, you know, you guys think that we were fucking driving around a Mercedes Ben's smoking big cigars and shit. You die for years, guys.

You die financially, emotionally. Every once, every four times a year as a comic, you die emotionally. You go home, you snort 22 kilos, you eat some fat chick's asshole, and you wish for the best. You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's the truth, guys, because insecurities are must because of nights like this. So I get to this fucking festival. The place is sold out. 20 of my high school friends are there.

And this motherfucker tells me that I'm going up after the salsa ban. Now I know that's a debt sentence right there, right? Like that's just a fucking recipe for destruction. You're in no danger of ever doing anything with your life. Every insecurity I felt came back on me that fucking night. Quitting high school, getting arrested, being a loser. I mean, I'm like, why the fuck? And I wanted to choke the dude.

Listen, I wanted to choke. I kept going up to him going dog. Why don't we let the band? close out the fucking show. It just makes sense. Why don't we let the fucking band close out the show? And this motherfucker is like,

nah, nah, nah, nah. You're strong. You know, they would blow smoke up my ass with that shit all the time. But, bro, you're a strong actor. You know, like all the comics in LA, the Latino comics will always make me work clean. But when I get to that room,

it's like, all right, you can do what you want, but you got to go a blast. Fucking, why do I got to go a blast for her? because you're dirty. They would always blow smoke up my ass, but you're clean, you know, you're a killer, no, I'm not a fucking killer. I'm just dirty. Knock it the fuck off. These motherfuckers. Anyway, fucking 11.30, I'm still not on stage. My friends are getting tired. They got to go to work the next day and shit. They're coming back there knocking on the door, Joey. 10 more minute. I know this fucking, the salsa bands up there, you know, they're non-union. Those salsa bands are non-union. They'll go forever. They'll just play those fucking Maracasas. Forever. I didn't get on stage to like fucking midnight. By the time I got on stage, I was so fucking hot that I was going to kill a motherfucker.

Do you understand me? I just took my fucking, the $50 they gave me. I got in the car of my friends. I didn't say a word. They saw me bomb. Listen, there's a couple things in life I don't like doing. It's like going to a game with a jersey on. You ever see these idiots?

We're going to the game. Then the team loses and you've got to come home with the fucking jersey on all afternoon looking like an asshole. People are like, ah, you went to the game, you fucking idiot. And I know if you're a true fan that don't hurt, but guys like me, that shit bothers me. So now I had to get in the car with the dudes who just seen me bomb.

They're like my best friends, but they just saw me fucking eat a bag of dicks. And they're tormenting me in the fucking car. And I'm not talking about, you know, these nice guys that goof on each other. These are my friends from North Bergen. These guys are telling me I'm a loser. I should get a day job.

I'm a fucking bum. Oh, it was horrible, horrible. The fucking people were there from Carolines. I felt like an idiot, but guess what happened? In the middle of all this, guys. So you got to remember, I don't care if you get hit by a car. There's always a silver lining. Okay, maybe you land in a pocket full of money.

You know, you get hit by a truck. You land over the fence. There's a fucking 10 naked women sucking each other off. You land right in the middle of the fucking eureka. There you are. Who gives a fuck? that you got 10 broken bones. Really, seriously.

Here's the silver fucking lining, guys. In the middle of all my anger, and all my fucking... I was just fucking pissed. A girl comes up to me. I forget what her fucking name was. I'm still friends with her. You know, she calls me in for different jobs.

She goes, listen, man, I just came here to watch my friend perform. But I saw you, and I got to be honest with you. I got to give you like a general meal. She goes, do you know who Sheila Jaffe is? And I'm like, yeah, I guess. And she's telling me her. And she goes, I work for them.

And I'll tell you what, they're looking. You'd be perfect for the Sopranos. I didn't even know what the fucking Sopranos really were. I knew they were a show. They had done the first season. I had watched like three episodes, but I didn't know it was that fucking big. And she came and she told me, like, listen,

you know, if you could be, hit him on 11. We love that. So no matter how bad the set was and shit, that was the only bright spot, but come on, what are the chances of me getting the fucking Sopranos? So that's my fucking Caroline story.

But I always felt like, fuck, I can't go back in the Carolines now. Like, I bombed so hard with after that salsa band. And, you know, guys, listen, the material was probably good, my timing was good. but sometimes you lose before you even get to the stage. Sometimes something, you know, and it's like,

I tell my wife sometimes, listen, on podcast days, the comedy days, don't bust my balls. I really don't want to hear it. I really don't. You know, you never know what happens on the way to a fight. I saw a comic once. That's one of the best comics working on the way to his show. You got into a car accident.

You know, somebody fucking ran a red light and hit him. When this guy got on the stage an hour after the accident, he was fucking, you could see, He was still shook. After we talked and we smoked some pot with him and we gave him a drink. He went up there the second show and destroyed that fucking room. But sometimes things affect you. Like things shake you up.

And for me that night it was anger. After that I checked. I said, you know what? Make sure you don't get angry. I like getting angry before my shows. Not too angry. There's like a line.

There's a fine line. Like I like getting a little anger. Like, you know, you're doing something stupid. Like, for me, it was always getting mad. at a red band and for like tape for having matching phones and shit what the fuck matching and it would bother me all day

but I wouldn't say shit until an hour before the show because I want to get riled up so if I ever yell at you before his show just go he's just fucking getting right after the show I run right to you and go thank you for getting me riled up I had a great set because of you cuck sucker

so I was just embarrassed to go back to fucking you know I never, I was like, fuck Carolines. I'm never going back in there. In fact, I'm never going to 42nd Street, 48th Street, wherever the fuck it is. And then I was at the store one night. It had to be like 2000 fucking one.

And I got to, I was working and something we were talking. My fucking idol. My fucking idol, Paul Mooney tells me, hey man, what are he doing this weekend? I go nothing. He goes, you're from New York, right? I go, yeah, I'm from Jersey. same shit in New York City. He goes, you're going to be there this week?

It was like Monday. I bumped into him during the comedy store, open mic. He goes, nah, because if you were there this weekend, I'd have you open for me at Carolines. I'm like, well, what, what did you just say? And he goes, yeah, it would have you open for me at Carolins. I was like, I felt like, Tom, I'm a relationship with Carolines, but Paul Mooney wasn't from the whining comedy school.

You know, if I told Paul Mooney that story that I went there. bombed, Paul Mooney, I don't even want to tell you what he would say to me. It wouldn't be fucking nice to say on this podcast, but he wouldn't fucking go for that shit. That's what made Paul Mooney, Paul Mooney, and it built that fucking spine in us. You know, what do you mean? You're not going to go because you bombed. You're fucking, what are you a fucking faggot? Get on the fuck, you know, so I didn't say that.

So I call you tomorrow and let you know. I went home that night, did a couple lines of coke, and I'm like, I got to go back and get mine. You know me, dog. I'm a revengeful motherfucker. the weekend paid $200. It was two shows, midnight shows, and they paid me $100 a show. Two midnight shows.

My plane ticket was $358. I'll never fucking forget this because I had to borrow that $358 fucking dollars and pay it back. You know, I had to put myself in a hotel. I think, thank God Ralphie Mae was in town and got me a hotel room or something like that. It was something crazy.

They gave them two hotel rooms, and his feature wasn't coming so he just got a local feature in bananas so I just had to get myself to New Jersey every fucking day and that's a piece of cake so I took the gig even though it was a loser I was losing fucking $158

just to prove my fucking point I don't give a fuck what you're doing you're like if you're a plumber and you blow up some ladies toilet and shit like that you're not gonna not go there again right you're gonna go there and do the best job you can She's going to remember you for fucking ever for going back.

Sometimes, man, the respect, you know, like you apologize to somebody for something you did 10 years ago. And they'll go, you know what, man, your respect in my world just went up 10% for you apologize. Sometimes you apologize to yourself. And you get so much more respect out of yourself. That takes a long, that takes a long, sorry. This is what happens after I do a couple fucking bonn. It shakes up the shit in my lungs and then I get stuck over here like a little thickless. Like somebody came in my fucking throat.

I can't imagine having to suck a dick and somebody comes in your throat and that thick little fucking juice just sits there all day. And here you are drinking water and milk and nothing breaks that fucking... It's not good. It's not good. So I'm sorry about the coffin. But, yes, I'm the type of dude I can't lose like that. And even though I was not going to make any fucking money,

and they were midnight shows, which fucking sucks, but not for me because I picked up spots to warm up for those midnight shows. I don't never forget. I got there, and Paul Mooney was like,

hey man, you're doing a half hour straight. It's a two-man show. I was like, fuck. Again, I hate two-man shows because that means I got to come out and welcome them and be a great host

and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Fine, I fucking went out there. Guys, you know, I don't blow my own, on like this. I don't know what material I was saying, but I was not going to bomb in front of Paul Mooney. Do you understand me? I was not going to bomb Paul Mooney. Either you were going to laugh or I was going to fucking punch on you until you started fucking laughing. That's the attitude I went out that night. It's fine to bomb, you know, Paul seen me bomb at the comedy store and that's fine.

It's a 15 minute spot and there's eight people in the audience, you know, but I'm not bombing in the full fucking room sold out the tea celebrities in the room i'm not bombing and i went up there guys with the fucking fury of i don't know what the fuck i just went up there with the weirdest fury i don't even remember sets from that time but i made it a point to fucking destroy that room and i'll never forget when i walked off to hand the mike to paul mooney he whispered in my hey homie you got to slow this motherfucker down next show. And then that, and I'll never forget, I was so fucking high on that Friday night, not on drugs, not on coke, not on alcohol.

I was just fucking high on comedy. And let me tell you something. I could tell you the five times in 30 years where I was high off comedy. And that is a great feeling. And for years, people always talk about, well, when a comic gets off stage, this is why they get, You know, they get to do drugs to continue that. When you're doing little spots, you don't really feel that. It's when you do an hour and you're there.

Like, after, like, I was never excited after my special tapings. But, like, what did I do a couple years ago? That was just, it was like my first theater or something, and I thought my timing would be off. And my timing was better than expected. When I got off that stage, I was fucking, what do you call that shit when you float? Like, I was just walking. I was just walking on air.

But that Caroline set was so fucking powerful. I had a couple tears in my eyes. After Mooney went on stage and I went to the green room, I'll never forget somebody who worked, they came up to me and they were like, dog, that's the best set we've seen from a feature act in a long fucking time. I'm like, thank you.

And they left, and they didn't understand where I was fucking coming from. I'll never forget that I went to the back of the room to watch Paul Mooney even though I had seen them 100,000 times, I couldn't go anywhere. Like I couldn't talk to anybody. Like I was that, it was like revenge.

It was fucking revenge. It was like somebody, it was death wish. Somebody rapes your mother, and then you put 10 bullets in his dick. You know, it's fucking revenge as its best. But in a comedic sort of way, like a personal type of vendetta. I'm never forget I'm sitting back there.

Mind in my own fucking business. watching Paul Mooney going I'm going to do this for the next 10 fucking years I barely made it to this I'm like Caroline's after 10 years I finally killed the Carolines I got one more show left but the way I'm fucking

feeling right now I'm gonna kill it in the middle of all this just it was like Paul Mooney was talking on stage but I could not understand the word he was saying I was just watching that's how much my body was just fucking like percolating I wasn't thinking of cocaine I wasn't thinking of getting cocaine

I wasn't thinking again anybody. I fucking look up and I see the girl that plays, like there was a bunch of people that I saw on television there. A lot of so proper people that I had just seen over the years. I don't even know what their fuck their names are. But I saw a lot of people that were like a couple basketball players were there from the Knicks that night. People were saying they had security with them. But when I fucking, I'd all the, and they were all out.

African American and I understand that they were at a C. Paul Mooney. But the whole night was made for me when I popped my head up at one time and I looked over and the girl from League of their own. You ever see Lee? The other one. The girl that fucking is her sister. Gina Davis has a sister, Lori. I like to say Lori McCaff or something like that. I don't know what a name.

Tank girl? Yes. Tank girl. fucking I'm sitting there like this watching Paul Mooney in awe and just letting myself come down from whatever the fuck just happened in my world. And I fucking look over and see Tank Girl. And she's watching Paul Mooney like all in, right? Like all in. Right?

This is a white girl that's watching a black dude destroy white people on stage. At this point of night, he's destroying black people. I'll never forget that night, guys. I'll never forget the jokes he was saying that night Some Africans were there and they heckled them And he threw him the fuck out He goes get the fuck out of here You motherfucking Africans

Where the fuck were you when I needed you Showing up now 20 years later with a fucking watch to sell me He was just throwing people out of that room Oh my God He was on a row Paul Mooney But Lori McHav That's her name, tank girl

Was saying his fucking jokes guys. So let's say Paul Mooney was saying a joke. She was fucking talking it over like she knew his material. And I'm like, what the fuck? And out of nowhere

she caught me and she walked over like after like 20 minutes. Laurie Petty. She came over and she goes, bro, you had a good fucking set. And I go, thank you. I go, how do you know Paul Mooney? And she's like, blah, blah, blah. I went to parties. I used to go to the comedy store 10 years ago.

I went to Richard's house for parties. She was in the Army now with Paula. With Paula, yeah. So she knew comedy, you know, so she was like, you did great, blah, blah, blah. You know, are you going to hang out? She was doing a play in New York City at the time. She goes, are you hanging out? And I go, yeah, fuck you.

I'm hanging out. There was food and drinks and a bunch of shit. But after the show, it's just I'm the type of guy I know where I don't belong. You know what I'm saying? Like, I just didn't belong there. I went back there. I talked to Lori. Paul Mooney gave me a hug.

he was like great said homie you know blah blah and then I was like you know what I'm gonna take a fucking walk because at that time it was like one in the morning it's like two 30 in the morning and here we are on 48 and fucking Broadway I gotta get back to fucking jersey I met some kid Jimmy I saw him years later in L.A I don't know what he's doing now I met a kid Jimmy that night and I'll never forget Jimmy was like like fucking he was maybe an open mic or at the time and he, when I went outside, he's like, man, I've been waiting for you. That was tremendous. I've been doing comedy for four years.

That's what I want to be. Can I buy you a slice of pizza and you could talk to me about the recipe about what you did? I'll never forget this shit. And I was like, let's go. And we walked around. We got a slice of pizza. And then I went to Port Authority. I didn't even think fucking buses were running.

I don't even if the buses were running. I remember that I was fucking wired. I don't know how I got home, but I went to my buddy's house and I stood outside this house. I hadn't seen him in like 10 years. I hadn't seen him in like six years, seven years, and I heard he was living there and I went

and I stood outside his house. He's my friend Darren Rago. He died like maybe a year after I didn't see him. Because I remember when they called me and told me he died. I go, I just fucking saw him. But I'll never forget. I stayed out there all night by myself on his fucking porch. And about 8 o'clock, I rang his doorbell.

And he answered. He lived on a building, not a house. And we went to get fucking breakfast. And the next Saturday night, I went to fucking Carolines and leveled them even worse than I did the night before. It was fucking tremendous. I gave Paul a hug to give me my check for $200. And I went home and I got in the plane, but guess what? It wasn't about the $200.

It wasn't about losing the 156 on the plane ticket and meals and expenses. It was about, I had to know. You ever see fucking Dirty Harry. There's a scene in Dirty Harry, one of the first shootouts where he's having coffee and these guys are trying to rob a bank. And he's like, what the fuck? I'm trying to have fucking coffee here. You could see it as he's walking out with his gun.

wiping his fucking face. He had like jelly roll, juice on his face. And he's walking down, and he starts shooting people, bah, blah, blah. And also some, this is one dude on the floor, fucking guy, African-American dude, he did a thousand movies, great actor. He's on the floor. And Clinicewood takes the fucking gun from, like, kicks it away. And he goes, you know, this is the most powerful gun in the world or clean your fucking whatever. And all of a sudden, Clint East would seize his hand moving to get the gun. You know what scene I'm talking about? And he goes, Quinny's who looks at him or shoot him.

And he goes, I got's to know. I got to know. Like, because Clint's told him, you got six in the chamber. And you already shot five or maybe six. If you feel lucky, go for the fucking gun. And Clint just sits there looking at him. And the guy goes, I got to know if there's six or seven in that motherfucker. And then Clint Liseu picks up the gun.

points it at him, he goes, let's find that. And he just goes, and the guy's like fucking, he opens, he goes, now you know, all right. It's the same thing I had to know. I had it. I had to know if I really had it. I had to know that I could fucking do it, man. So that's why there's nothing wrong with that. You've got to prove your point sometimes. If you know you can back it up, you got to back it up.

And guess what? I never went back to Caroline's again. Never. Never. When I was trying to get into New York, they wouldn't fucking take me. That's the truth. And it was because of that fucking bombing 10 years earlier. I mean, this is why I tell comics, don't go any place you don't belong until you're ready.

Because if they see you and you bomb, it's going to take years to take away that I'm bombing. And that's a problem with a lot of club owners. They see you when you're starting up. You go in there, you know, you just did grow up. You just did great at Vinnie's house or pizza pies. You know, you did seven minutes, and some fucking guy that told you you're the next Andrew Dice Clay, so you put yourself in a bad position and you go to an open mic at one of those punchlines or one of those improvs and shit like that. Let me tell you something.

You eat a bag of dicks. How many improvs are there? 40, 28 of them are going to find out. If you eat a bag of dicks of the punchline, that's like six clubs of them. I think they got Sacramento, San Francisco, Atlanta, Philadelphia. Do you follow how this goes? So when you go into these, like, I was ready for Caroline's the first time I wore in there. I was already not established, but I was already a regular store.

And I was working as a fucking feature act. If you're not fucking established and you walk into these clubs and you eat a bag of dicks, 10 years later, they're going to call that club. And if that lady or that man or who or whatever the fuck they call themselves now, if they're still there, they're going to go, Mike Klein, Mike Klein. Yeah, I remember Mike. He didn't fucking, he started here in Denver and Boulder. And you're like, yeah, that's him. So can we have a weekend? They're like, no, he didn't do too good last time he was here. And the agent's like, when was he there? Like 10 years ago, he ate a bag of dicks here. And he agents like, well, can't we get him back in, give him another chance?

Well, if he wants to come through and do a showcase, that'd be great, but we can't make him an offer. And you're like, what? Like when I got into the comedy, I never. work Denver. Yeah. Denver clubs would not hire me. And then they kept getting out of business. The comedy club went out of business. McHelves went out of business.

And I had been thrown out of the comedy workers. This is why. That's why people always go, nobody hires me at home. Very seldom. There's a comic who came up in Philly, come home to Philly and fucking work a club. Because they remember them from fucking 10 years ago.

They're like, ah, we don't want you. around here, very seldom do you get to war, like in Jersey. Guys, how many clubs that I work in Jersey all those years? Not too fucking many. I would come to Jersey, do the stretch. And I'm talking about 2000. I'm talking about 20 fucking years ago. Did you see what happened yesterday?

I'll bring it up in a second. I'm talking 20 fucking years ago. 20 years ago, I would come to Jersey, and I had to beg these guys. Then I would tell him, I'm from Jersey, I'm at the store, I work the improv, I do this, I just shot an episode of this, I did a movie. I still remember calling Uncle Vinnie's 10 years ago when the podcast and stuff and he's like, I don't know you, don't call here again, you know, that's just the way it is, guys. That's the way it is.

Nobody wanted to hire me in Jersey. When I fucking, nobody wanted to hire me in Jersey and nobody wanted to hire me in New York. And Gotham stepped up. Then all the clubs found out the damage that it got them And they're like Oh we'll take Joey now It's too fucking late Got them already fucking took great care of me

Why the fuck would I Uh You don't want to go to that thing Anyway That's my Caroline story on a Wednesday afternoon I just want to Thursday That's it

I don't even know when it's from the close There's a girl that reaches out to me From time to time I did a podcast about a year ago after the many saints came out and she fucking she does individual shows there she did the show November 30th

but I wasn't available if she contacts me again I'll go over there I know that my boy Papa is doing a show in the village next week and I'm thinking of going in one night 10 minute 12 minute spot go over there they're all woke so it's all

NYU students so they're just going to stare at me, but I just like to go to, I like to, just go down there and go off on them and watch them. Because if you're not going to laugh at me and go off on me for being the man that I am, I'm going to go off at you for being the worm that you are. Oh, well, we're woke

now, go fuck yourself. Yesterday I woke up to a bunch of fucking messages from people. It was the weirdest thing, Tuesday morning. I'm like, what the fucking people hit me? December 6th, like, congratulations, 20 years from Analyze that. I'm like, they had to sit there.

for a second and go what again analyze that which one did I do analyze this is the second one I analyzed that is the second one analyze that was the first one I was already in L.A and I'll never forget I went down to the to Sunset Boulevard the big plex the dome the fucking great theater they have chicken sausages with fucking oh my god chicken and apple sauce sauce with something else it's fucking delicious and uh i really enjoyed why's this the first one

i thought it was fucking great and i can't lie to it those are the days whenever i go see a movie and i thought i could be in that movie i'd get fucking pissed off i'd sit there and go fuck i could have been in this movie but i'm a stand-up nobody's gonna fucking talk to me about

goddamn acting and shit and i thought it was was a great movie. I saw Harold Ramis directed it and he was one of my favorite directors of all fucking time and I don't know. That was another thing I just

wanted to get a piece of like I was like I got to get in that fucking if they ever do one of these again and I'll never forget that I went in for an audition for mind of a dangerous man or something like that it was the story of Chuck Barris.

I think that's his name. The guy that used to host a gong show. So I wasn't thinking anything. I did my lines. I read, I was prepared. I went to see a coach. But I knew I wouldn't get the role because it was a role for some Spanish dude.

As a matter of fact, I knew it belonged to Lewis Guzman. I go, as I was reading it, I'm like, this is Louis Guzman's. And he needed another Mexican dude in there. I go, this is Louis Guzman's. Lewis is Puerto Rican, but they were looking for like,

Puerto Rican guys. And I read for her, I forgot what her name was. I read for her, I read for her, Sheila Jaffrey and Warkin. So I had met Georgianne Walking when I read for the Sopranos the first time. And Georgian on the way out told me to keep in touch with her.

She goes, keep in touch of me And send me reels to anything that you do Which is always a great sign When somebody leaves the door open like that So I never really thought about it I went It was December I went in to see

Sheila Jaffe For that mind of a dangerous man I think that's the name of the movie I don't know It's a Chuck Barris autobiography I get in there, I read by my mama, it's not going my way. I mean, I did a good read, but I knew it wasn't for me. And she looked at me, she goes, you did a great job, but this is not going to work out for you.

And I know, this is Louis Guzman's Rose. She goes, I know, we started talking. She goes, but the next movie I'm working, I'm lying. It wasn't Sheila Jaffe. It was the same lady I read for the Niro a couple weeks ago. She goes, the movie, I'm happy you can't. Amen. It's not going to work for you. The next movie I'm doing, it's your movie.

And I go, what are you doing? And she goes, analyze that. I didn't care if it sucked. I didn't know what the script was. It didn't matter to me. I just knew I wanted in on this fucking movie. So she goes, she told me the same thing George Ann Walker said to me. She goes, whatever the fuck you need, whatever you shoot or whatever, mail me a fucking, a reel.

I go, fine. And I wasn't out that motherfucking office. Ten minutes, I got a call from my agent to go read for Fox, a fucking show about two gay gangsters, the Mezos. And I'm like, why? And he goes, yeah, this was the deal that Big Pussy left the Sopranos for, but then ABC didn't want to do it, and it reverted back to Fox. So now Fox wants to do a short film to see if they can explore this

and, you know, see what kind of. of characters, they get go, read for it. So when I read for it, I ended up booking it, we shot the first week of January, no big deal, but I kept telling those guys, listen, they're shooting, analyze that. And I want to get in on that, so do me a favor. Just give me two scenes from this movie.

Two fucking scenes is all I need. Two clips, two minute scenes. The guys are so cool. I'll never forget their name, Joe or Pino or something like that, a little gay dude. He's got the best job in America now. He's a director. He makes six figures. He works nine,

to five and no weekends. He's a director for videos that build stuff at Costco. No. Akia. IKEA. So when you see it, when you buy a fucking futon at IKEA and you want directions to build it and you put that video in,

he directs those videos. Fucking best job in California. He sent me two clips. I got him to that lady. And then she called me and she goes, hey Joe, would you like to audition for analyze that? I'm like, fuck, yeah. And she goes, okay, you got to read in New York.

And I was like, no problem. I'll go to fucking New York. Because there was no auditions on tape back then, at least not for me on that project. So I'll never fucking forget. I come back from New York, the auditions on my birthday. Unlike my 40-something birthday, 42nd, 41st.

I fucking, I don't have the money for the plane ticket. I'm staying on my buddy George's couch. and I probably got $25 bucks in my pocket. I'm flat fucking broke. I didn't know how I was going to get a plane ticket, so I called my buddy in Denver. He worked for Frontier, and he got me a buddy pass on Frontier,

which means you're lucky if you even get there with this fucking buddy pass. I know Frontier's doing that new deal, $100, $600, and you fly the rest of the year for free. Good luck with that. You don't know about that? It starts in May. Not a bad program, look into it.

So I take the Frontier. I got to a connecting flight. You got to go through Denver and they lose my luggage. I mean, I got in at 11 in the morning and my audition was at fucking two. They lost my fucking luggage on my fucking birthday. So I had to borrow 50 bucks from my brother shoot down to some fucking marshals buy a warm-up suit, sneakers, underwear, hair gel. Yeah, the whole thing.

And even though I was ruffled, this time I didn't bomb, I fucking went down to the village read for her in Harold Ramis and knocked it out of the fucking park and as a matter of fact before I went down there I went to see my stepfall and he gave me the Indian ring

the ring that I have for everything I've worn that on every movie role I've had any Italian roles anything like that and I never forget putting the ring on for the audition getting the audition booking the role and then it became my fucking lucky ring

For you people to know, I got the lucky ring. And I'll never forget shooting that motherfucker. Like, we shot it maybe 20 minutes from where I'm living right now. I drive by there every once in a while and go, oh, my God, this has changed so much. They wanted me to go into the city and meet them over here at like 8 in the morning. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, so I'm in Jersey already. I'm down here. I was staying in Morganville, which is 10 minutes from here.

I go, you want me to go all the way into the city? to get in a van with you motherfuckers and come all the way back here to Carnie, New Jersey and they're like, yeah, I go, all right. I said, that's not going to work. I just meet you at Carnie, and I went. Fucking great day of shooting, 12-hour day,

talked to Harold Ramis for maybe nine of those hours, had no contact with De Niro, just saw him socially fucking fan out. It was just a fucking great day, man. I couldn't wait for that more. I'm like, that's it. made it. Like, I worked so hard to get that fucking movie.

Sides, acting coach, you know, I just went, and I got shot. I get shot in the first fucking minute of the movie. That's when I had the beginning of the movie. Every movie I did was in the beginning. That taxi, but it was just, I don't know, I think it was the Harold Ramis thing. I think it was Anthony Lumpaglia. That movie was the first time I could look at people that said that, you You ain't going to do nothing.

Like Mad TV was one thing and basketball as the other. But a De Niro movie with my scenes being with Anthony Lumpaglia or at that time was a star of his own, fucking meant the world to me, guys. That, that right there, I could tell a lot of people to suck my dick after that. All those people that said, well, you're not castable. It's a fucking De Niro movie with Harold Ramis. Go fuck yourself.

So I was very proud of that movie. And I remember, Doug, I could tell you things. I was dying to get my hand on that reel from that movie So we were doing everything we could And I'm gonna tell you a funny story A guy from the Army He used to promote shows That I would do for a certain promoter or something like that

He would help him out He's like man I get you that tape And I go how And he goes you tap into Warner Brothers film base Because they move everything on some I mean this guy told me shit I never even knew In fact I can't even repeat I don't remember how they did it

Everything they do all the movies and editing is through online. He goes, if you tap into it, you can hack their thing and get it. He calls me two weeks later. I got it for you. It's hacked. Done. I got it. It's like the movie comes out December 6th.

And people like, send me that tape so we can see if we can put you in this movie. I'm fucking, first off, the movie's going to come out. I can't tape in the movie theater. So I got to wait for the movie to come out on DVD for me, or VHS, whatever the fuck it was. format was and then I can take a snippet of that the studios are not going to send me a snippet for me to fucking so we get the snippet my friend steals the snippet off the studio so we're going to have it ready for the six soon as the movie comes out we're going to have our reel when you steal it from the movie it comes out backwards so instead of me being on like this side I was really on this side

now we had to get somebody to flip it around I had to call 80 fucking studios to flip it it around. Nobody could do it. This one dude with a missing eye said he'd do it for me. I got down. The guy's got one missing eye. He's smoking cigarettes. It's dark in there. He looks and he goes I can do it but I won't. And I go, why not? He goes, because I'll go to jail

for 10 years. That's probably a Warner Brothers. I'm not doing that and that was the end of mine. The movie came out. I'll never forget I went with like 20 of my friends Josh Wolf. We all went. We all chipped and we were all broke. We had like peanuts and shit. talk the movie started there I am

and then I got shot and then we had to sit there for two hours and watch this god-awful fucking movie I was never so embarrassed in my life but hey I got the fucking movie I didn't know it was going to suck that's my fucking

that's my analyze that story and that's it motherfuckers it's Wednesday the 8th Thursday the fucking 8th we've done it again another week down we got fucking basically three weeks till

my show in Sony Theater and we basically got two and a half weeks for fucking Christmas. We're sticking around. Listen, you've a great Christmas idea because people keep asking me. People really like these laughing gas things. As a matter of fact,

the male girl asked me the other day if she could have a sticker. How the fuck does she even know I had stickers? People like the laughing gas. What I'm doing for you guys is holidays 20% off any of the gear just you code cocoa c oco at laughing gas dot com get whatever the fuck do you want 20% off for the holidays use code cocoa and don't forget oh my god fucking new york stoner club has some fucking weed some indica in new york he gave me some a couple days ago

I took three hits off On a joint Any game like a pre-roll They're not fucking around over that If you live in New York City right now Order I'm gonna hook you up 10% off lifetime

Uncle Joey at stoner's club dot com It's that fucking easy guys I gave you 20% off on the fucking memorabilia whatever the fuck you call it Smerch and 10% off on weed for life

Who's better than your uncle Joey Nobody you bad motherfucker fuckers was still set for the motherfucking, uh, 28th of December. It's my wife's birthday. I'm writing some material. I'm excited. And, uh, that's it and that's that, guys. We fucking killed this motherfucker another week in a row.

Stay black. I love you and don't forget about me. See you next Monday. And now for a word. My motherfucking sponsor, Jack. All right. I want to thank you guys for taking a tremendously of beating today. I had some fun, so who gives a fuck?

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