The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #220 - Joey Diaz, Jimmy Shubert and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 8, 2014

Jimmy Shubert, Comedian and Host of the Jimmy Shubert Show Podcast joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt live in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Nature Box. Visit Naturebox.com and use promo code Joey for a free trial box Naileditlife.com - Get 20% off a vapor pen by mentioning the Church. Meundies.com Go to meundies.com/joey for 20% off. Recorded live on 10/07/2014. Music: Led Zeppelin - Achilles Last Stand The Allman Brothers - Whipping Post

This show is sponsored by NatureBox. NatureBox ships great tasting, healthy snacks right to your door. Forget the vending machine and start snacking smarter with healthy and delicious treats like dark cocoa almonds. Support this podcast by ordering a free NatureBox sampler box. That's free. It's right. You don't have to pay for shipping. It's totally free.

Go to Naturebox.com slash Joey. Try heavily smoke before the podcast. This is what's going to happen. That's right. Free NatureBox snacks are found at NatureBox. What's so funny? Cancer in 20 years. That's what fun.

Oh my goodness. Okay. This show is also sponsored by meundees.com. If you go to meundies.com and check out the picks of all the different styles of underwear and for girls. They have hot-looking boy shorts. Go to meetundies.com slash joey. And you're going to get 20% off of your first order.

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to get 20% off of the premier vapor pen on the market. Shit, I wish I'd known that, man. Because I just got the primate care, total primacare over it on it. Great, man, those vitamins are great. Next time I'll say you something. Hey, Uncle Joe.

Oh, shit. We're going heavy tonight. We're coming in with fucking two guns, one in the ankle, one in the nutsack, just in case there's Chinese people in the room. Because they usually want to pop out of closets and shit. Oh! Are you fucking?

kidding me or what? Crank that motherfucker Lee. You're feeling a little gloomy, you have doubts. Here you go, cocksuckers. Frank that fucking thing, Lee. Oh! Oh, it was an April morning when they told us.

What? The church of what's happening now. Speed that up. We got to go to the back to hear Jimmy Page's solo towards the end. Don't turn it off. How far's I going? Go on two more minutes in. We've got to hear this fucking solo and open up this goddamn podcast. Crank that fucking mucke.

There you go. Crank that motherfucker. Oh shit. The hammer of the fucking gods. When you're in doubt, you don't think there's a religion. Smoke the numb and put this album on and close your fucking eyes. And just listen to the drums. It's the hammer of the fucking guys.

Keep it going, Lee. What album is it? This is Bresc. Okay. This is a creepy fucking house. It's four people sitting around. I don't know, playing fucking. Some crazy game or some shit

And then at the back of eating dead are like white people What up, you bad motherfucker, Lisa Ayat? Hey, buddy What's up, baby? Nothing. We talked to like 6.30 this morning Because I woke up after last night, and I woke up, and I was like, I am still high. You were fucked up last night.

This is the power of so kind. I'm telling you. The new chef is really good well. The fucking new chef was fucking it up. I don't even know what I did. I think I went home, had some coffee. I went to bed and I said. started sweating like a four o'clock

when I sleep at me of fucking strap was fucking drenched I got up pissed came back and then I got up at six I couldn't sleep anymore and I was still kind of stone and I saw you were tweeting about the chef with some shit and I called you up and you were all groggy it's tremendous it's a great feeling to go home

a little fucked up sometimes not on alcohol and coked up but on these edibles they fuck you up I tell you man if anybody did edibles they would never be on antidepressants they would never be on like you know hooked on a Honestly. This isn't even a joke. No, no, I'm telling you. A little piece of cookie.

A little piece of cookie where it does wonders for your mind, for your spirit, for your soul, for your body. I'm telling you. I love them. I prefer to eat it, actually. Some of the biggest laughs that he and I have had, one of the biggest was walking from flappers, where we were stoned out of our mind and he went to rub my head on the walk back to the car from flappers. And we laughed for like 20 minutes. 20 minutes. I love all that shit.

That's what got you into this whole thing. there was nothing like sitting with six of your friends and splitting their joint between 60 years when you're 13 and you put an hour of money and everybody gets so fucked up and everybody's, look at my eyes, look high, smell me,

I got to go home in an hour, you know, you gotta smell everybody, you gotta put rhizine in their eyes and fucking cologne. You get the junk of your parakeet, get this colong, yeah. When you were 13 and you got high,

you were high for like eight hours heavy. Like you went to your room and your mom would ask you if you were hungry, fuck no, really hungry and thirsty. And that's when Vizene came out. But Vizene was really strongly. It wasn't that gluten-free.

They got now for these soft little fucking motherfuckers. When I was a kid, fucking enlighten your eyeballs in color. Right or wrong. When you put Vizeney in your eyes, you have brown eyes and I will have blue eyes. It was fucked up. You just fuck your pupils up. Now it's okay. It's mild, you know?

But you got, it was like, that's what, you know, they always say you chase that first eye. You know, you always chase that first eye. With Reefer, I loved getting fucking stone. The other day, I was driving off to 134. And I made, I exited, and that song was on by Pink Floyd. It's on Dark Side of the Moon. It's called Run or something like that. That's the first time I ever tripped.

I was maybe 14. And we were at some fucking lake, Lake A Pac-on in New Jersey. Right. Sitting around and they were like splitting little hits of fucking, in acid. And I took like a quarter of it and didn't even think, I just wanted to get it over with because I knew I had to face this fucking devil eventually.

So let me take a little piece of acid. I remember I went home early. I went home with the first load of guys, like at 5.30 in the afternoon. Nobody was home. I went in my room, and I remember the McDonald's All-America team. I had a poster of it, Michael Corrin, in those days from the ACC and all this shit. I was a basketball, and I remember laying down

and putting the dark side of the moon on and hearing that. And that's the first time I saw these little waves and the walls. And I was like, oh, this is fucking tremendous. And I drank, that was like I broke my record that day. I drank like five Eichens. Yeah. That was your record. I got a six-pack three and a half.

And I dumped half of it when I was pissing, that type of shit. Yeah. This is how young I was. And I did the acid. But I remember that I drank five Heinekens. I passed out at some point. And I woke up the next thing, I had a piece of fucking gum on my shoulder. I pute.

and the night like backwards and I puke and I left a little piece of gum on my shoulder like dentine it still smelled cinnamony you know what I remember we used to go up the woods and everybody would fucking drop you drop the ass and you'd stay up the woods all night and then you come out when it started getting light out

you started to try to walk back home and you kind of knew I was the first time I was tripping I was still I'm walking home and the dude's mowing his lawn he's just coming out to mow his lawn and I'm just watching the dude and there's little R's coming out of the end of the mower. I'm so fucking out of it on acid. I was like,

oh, God, man. Yeah. You know, every time I go home, I think of the story. I started doing Coke when I was 15, and I never got off on it in the beginning. Yeah. I never got off. I didn't know what it was, guys. I would do a couple lines, and everybody would be, all this is tremendous, and I would go, these motherfuckers are playing tricks on me. This is like a joke. How come I'm not getting off on Coke?

and there was a gasoline place named Putnam Fuel this kid, Julio Gammeo, Cuban kid, got me a job that the whole family was boxes, they got me a job there and they told me they're like, dog, we could steal here. You know, there's a till, there's always a mistake, you could steal here. I got fired after three or four weeks, but I made friends of a dude that was half retarded.

I told me the story, his name was Freddy. Oh, no. And he had like a fucking fat white, they had like two black kids. I mean, this was the creepiest family in the world. And they lived in the same building as Marlow. Morrow was the only black girl in the neighborhood, North Bergen, New Jersey. And they had her in, like, this three fucking floor house with no doors on the fucking...

They were cruel to Marlowe. Marlowe's still in Northburg, and she was a fat little black girl in the neighborhood. A mother was white, so she always got tortured. Poor Marla. I was okay with Marla. I didn't have no beef with Mala. But you said Freddy? Freddy?

Was that his name? Yeah, Freddy. He said he's your friend. He wasn't my friend. I made friends with him pumping gas, but I know he was retired. He liked Snow and Coke. So we had a deal that we would rob him. Right? And then we'd give them like half the loot.

We'd give them like, we'd buy it. Like we'd rob them for like 600. And give them three? No, we'd tell him the eight ball was $5.50. That's how fucking retardant this guy was. And then we'd bring him over the head or something? Yeah, we'd smack like me and that like, and it was hysterical because I really must have robbed this guy in reality. I don't know, maybe six times.

And I would always need a partner. And I would always like call. And one, there's a kid in Miami that still comes to the shows. His name is Louis Castellito. and he'll be there in two weeks and I go to Miami three weeks and he always tells the story he goes, I'm on one time

this fucking Coco guy comes up to me and he had like a fucking football map he wanted to rob the guy because you had to run behind the building and tackle him and throw him down and take the money out of his pocket and smack him one

and he got to run up totally out of it. And this is his friend this is my friend this is like how old are you? Honestly at that time I was 16 years old is how crazy.

when you're 16 years old. This is how crazy the story is. So we would rob them, buy the Coke, and then the deal was we'd go to his house and leave the Coke there. And when he'd get off work, the Coke would be there. And we cut it with aspirin.

We throw everything in there. And the next day we'd call it. He had a huge wife. And we'd call him the next day, Freddie Howard was the blow. And he goes, me and the missus loved it. You know, and she'd be in the back. Wingmore!

She was like this fucking pig of a woman. Oh, it was a fucking horror show. Just the fact that he would let us smack him. You don't understand. When you're 16 and somebody lets you smack them, it's tremendous. That is the best feeling in the world. When somebody goes, listen, we're going to do something. You got to punch me in the head.

No shit. Yeah, just punch me, but it. You got paid to beat him up. Oh, we beat him. You know, we didn't beat him to a poke. Right. We just tackled them and smacked him a few times. He had to have blood.

Oh, man. He got rolled. He got rolled. He got rolled. One time, we took the both eight balls. we robbed. And we did the whole fucking April, and it was 5 in the morning

and me and this kid, Didi Contaro, still weren't high. He was fucked up, Didi. I'm like, this motherfucker. But in those days, I never drank. I didn't like alcohol. So I finally go, you know what I'm fucking thirsty? I'm sick of drinking soda. I grabbed the micalob and I drank a fucking

mickelope and the coke hit me. I was fucked up. So that's when I had the other kids' apole. I go, fucking fuck. Fricky Freddie. Grab the rest of the micolope. And we walked to this park, I'd say, I never forget that. It was seven in the morning

and people going to church. We were sitting behind the fucking church. And here we are pumping spoons in our nose with a ghetto blast. Listen to the Black Sabbath technical ecstasy like two fucking morons. I'll never forget that. I'll never forget how bad I felt,

but how good I felt. Because one part of me felt like I was an adult. But the other part of me felt like I was a fucking loser. Even at that age, I was like, this is what losers do. fucking look at the sunlight. Who looks at the fucking sunlight?

Yeah, I had a couple of those experiences. Sure. You know, I mean, dude, we were talking about it before the podcast. It's like, you know, we go to Vegas. Jimmy Schubert, by the way, I'm the microphone. Dear friend of mine, one of the guys that helped me out when I first moved here. What the fuck? You're laughing, bugling?

I wasn't laughing. Everything all right, cutie, patootie? How are you doing for you? Your little green shirt. Good. Looking bad for the bone. Your head's looking skinny. You're going to look at it. I'm trying. You don't look like that picture you got on fucking Twitter.

You ever seen your Twitter picture? That's when you lost 80 pounds. On juice, yeah. You look like a fucking Jew after the bombing lay in there with fucking flies. All you need was to sprinkle flies on your eyes. Your eyes are all big. You were in need of a cheeseburger. He was on a juice diet for three months ago.

But then I started dating this Mexican girl and I came it all back. Yeah, yeah. I did the juice cleanse for like 15 days. I saw the documentary is called Fat Ted. Fat Ten nearly dead. So I started juice and I juiced for like 15 days. I went down from, I was like 240 and went down like 218. I was like, this is fucking great.

Yeah, but then you have to eat again, and the juice is the garbage. Yeah, but you can't go out and eat a cheeseburger after that. You'll get sick. You have to eat, like, you fruit and yogurt, you'll be sick. Yeah. This motherfucker was that McDonald's spitting the little dead fingers inside a quarter of pound. But day five, you hit a wall. You're watching the food channel, like fucking porn, beating off.

You're going to cook that skirt steak. Those are dead fingers in that fuck. You take a listen, you take a McDonald's bun. Nobody ever looks at a McDonald's bun. That's the problem, because they give you catching. up. Nobody ever opens it up, pushes the lettuce off, and really looks at that fucking meat bun.

Look at that fucking meat bun. And you'll never go back to McDonald's. If you look closely, you'll see like, like, you'll see like, one time at Popeye's chicken in Hollywood. On Coenga, I bought a chicken breast and Popeye's and there was a fucking dude's foot, a black bee's.

Like that wing, not the wing, but the fucking breast, the big piece, I took the skin off and I could see the toes. Oh, man. They cut the foot right here. I swear to my mother's grave. There's no way they're going to let this be on the Internet now. I swear to my mother's grave.

This ought to be 15. I never told nobody because what's the use. Did you eat it or no? No, I'm not. You get abducted. Who's going to believe you? Yeah. You didn't get up.

Look at the way you're looking at him. And I ate the skin. By that time, I couldn't puke it. The skin was delicious. Black, dude, foot skin is delicious? I don't know what color he was, but it. It was like a black little foot. You could see that

you got hit the toenail over here with a hammer. I don't fucking know. I'm telling you, if you look at those hamburger buns, you'll notice that. The meat patties. The meat patty,

you'll never eat that shit again. No, it tastes like chemicals. It tastes it, yeah. I mean, they're good. Yeah, but the way they prepare that meat, they wash it pneumonia. They make sure there's no E. Ecoli on it.

Did you ever watch it? You ever watch them prepare the meat? You'll never eat fast food again. I swear to God. You watch how they prepare you. God. I never and they call fast food for a reason man you eat that stuff and just the next day bro yeah remember remember when we were kids that roast beef company was good Arby's Arby's was delicious you go there and get a fucking skin graft sandwich oh my god I want to get a skin grass now it looks like uh like a

they stepped up the game it's actually looked like a sandwich now no it doesn't oh no yeah because I don't I haven't I have it in there but I'm telling you it looks just what you we go through the trash it just looked like the rose beef it looked like a Skin graham. No, it looked. It did. No, it really did look like if somebody got burnt, like it looked like a fire victim.

They chopped them up. Like that's it look like. Like skin love a fire victim. There goes Arbys as a sponsor. Fuck them. You bite into the meat.

You hear a scream. You bite into the meat. Yeah. You got a sucker. Fuck that shit. Jimmy Schubert, one of my favorite guys, but he's funny.

He's from Philadelphia. And I'll tell you, I read that they decriminalized marijuana in Philadelphia 25 dollars. It's been decriminalized there for years. Listen, they don't give a fuck about

pot in Philadelphia because you got savages. Yeah. It's savage. And it's always been like that. Like when this fucking country goes to war at the end, there's going to be three people

in Philadelphia still alive. I'm missing an arm. Ahead? But they'll still be... Ahead? I'm telling you. Just. the neck will come up on an eyeball.

Philly's a fucking great man. I'm telling you right now. I'm telling you right now. That might have been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. No, I'm telling you, man. It was the nation's first capital. I mean, that's basically what I told the most powerful country in the world

to go fuck themselves. All those guys, you know, and I mean, they just, they booed fucking Santa Claus. Listen, it happened on fucking December 15th, 1968, all right? Santa Claus is only Santa Claus one day a year.

That day, he was just a fat guy And a red suit, root for the wrong team You know? But that's what people say What you're from Philly? You're boots, Saturday. Yay, fucking, you know. Well, don't they have, like,

their own jail and where the Eagles play? Yeah, they do. It's not even that. Listen, I've been going to Philadelphia the opposite I was a kid. And now in the Einstein, I thought, when I went to Philly, the helium the last time,

I looked around after the show, I'm like, these people really don't care. They really don't care. And it's a very eclectic fucking thing because Philadelphia is just an extension to those savages from Jersey.

You got Camden, you got Penn Salking close by. At the end of the right now, what's going on in Camden? They're not fucking around in Camden. No. Listen, bro, I've been to every fucking place in this country as a stand-up comic. I've never been overseas, but every place from one tip from fucking Bremerton, Washington,

to the deepest fucking... to Cinderella City and fucking... What's the name of that fucking place in Miami where all the brothers are? They don't fuck around. And the only place I've ever gotten beat. This is in Canaan, New Jersey. You're a beat up?

Beat, beat. Didn't even see the move coming. Got robbed. Didn't even see the move coming. Didn't even see the move coming. They did it like professionals. Got robbed and had to go back with my fucking toys and had to go back to the people and tell them the truth.

I had to go back as a 17-year-old dog. That 8,000, you lost it. Well, come back on an hour and let us know how you're going to give us our money. I got put into one of those positions. Wow. Because I vouched for the guy They gave me money for weed.

The weed was too good to be true. The weed was sensational. And they did a dipsie duel. I gave him the money. They showed it to me, opened it up. Boom, boom, boom. Just like at the end of Man on Fire, when they do the switch with the cash,

he goes, put the cash in that car. And I'm in my... And they said, don't open it, do you get outside of Canada? Wow. And there's no weed? There was weed. It was pepper fucking pushed together in blocks.

Black pepper. Nobody was getting high. That's the only time I ever got beaten. People were to sneak. It was a nobody was getting yet. It was an $8,000 mistake that I never got hot beat over again. Wow. I never got beat again over that.

I never forgot that $8,000 mistake. Yeah, you've got to keep your wits about you around that. People will fucking be. They will not fuck around down there. I remember going down to Neptune, New Jersey, to play basketball. That's what Jack Nicholson's from. And we had to play bitty basketball in the state finals or the quarterfinals or something. That was one of the first times.

I was physically a little scared. playing sports. Like I knew, I thought if we beat them, we're not going to get let out of the stadium, this little fucking thing. That was the first time ever. At that time, I had run book in the Bronx as a kid, like, you know, go from here to here with money in your pocket.

I had been around the streets. I knew the movement. But that was the first time in that basketball place that I said to ourselves, if we beat these guys, we're not going to get killed, but they're going to throw a fucking beating on us. One time in these starings,

they flipped our bus freshman year. They've up the school bus? The yellow bus. Freshman year, freshman year at a Christmas tournament. New Jersey's a complete different savage, and there's a point of it that once you go south, you're done.

Once you hit Philadelphia, you're done. I've seen a guy in Philly at a concert, get in their head. Who fucking carries a piece of two by four? That's three feet. Not too many fucking people. That means you're a savage. If you leave the house and you go,

where's my two by five? No, honey. Where's the gun? I took it from here. York animal, huh, I'll take a two by four. This guy had a two by four at a concert, hit a guy in the head. I never forgot the sound of that, and outside the Veterans Memorial. I went to see the Stones.

When I was in the eighth grade for graduation, when I came back from five-star basketball can, I went to see the stones, and I dropped window paint acid, and it was Farina opening up. I didn't know who they were. I didn't know who the fuck farther was. They're up there singing, cold, not cold, this ice, I war with the world, and I'm tripping my balls off. And I went for it to breathe. And there was a misunderstanding.

And I was a kid. I mean, you had misunderstandings where you say something. Jimmy Schubert said something. You say something. And you just walk away. In this misunderstanding, you said something. Jimmy Schubert walked to his car, opened this door, got the two-by-four, went right over with no hesitation. There was no, come on, motherfucker.

He went right over, clocked him in front of his friends. The guy went down. One shot, boom! You just heard that. When you hit somebody in the head with a two-by-four. Hit him in the head of the tube. That guy went down, blood on the floor. The three buddies he was with turned pale.

He said, say one word. And he walked to his car, put the thing, and went right back into the fucking concert. He went back into the concert? Like nothing happened. Like nothing happened. They carried that motherfucker. The FBI swore me one time in Philly

because they thought we were selling bootleg shirts. As a kid, we went to see Black Sabbath and Sammy Hagar. I'm thought. I lived in Philly. I was in Philly after the time. We might have bumped into each other. I went to see the Sixes against the Lakers in 83. Yeah.

I was going to Glassboro State. This was before it was, whatever the fuck they call it now. Glassboro State became something now. So when I got out of high school, I was fucking around. I robbed that jewelry store, and I disappeared for a couple weeks down in Sarasota, Florida. But my buddy called me, he goes, when you come back, I got a scam fee. He goes, you're Cuban, you ever qualify for all this shit. I'll get your scholarship, I'll get your couple grand.

You come on down. You stay with me. We'll cut the money up when you get you. get the check and I'll get your job roofing. I went down there. I went down and I registered for classes. Rowan University. Rowan University.

You didn't know that, Jimmy Schubert? Every week I would take that fucking bus from Port Authority. Every fucking Sunday night down to Philly and stayed on there. I think I did this for about four months and I got a job with a bookie. But that was one of the crazy. These guys were crazy. The guys I lived, it was like being 20 in a Ferrari and whatever the fuck they call it, paternity.

Yeah. But this was a fraternity. Except for criminals. This is a fraternity of death. Wow. Yeah, I know. Believe me, I've seen that stuff. I watched a dude, this guy named John Kennedy is from the projects.

And we used to fucking fight those guys all the time of the cons starters. You go up there for the fucking, and everybody's drinking next to you know, to a fight. But this guy was about 6'4. He was in Holmesburg Prison. One of the toughest fucking prisons right in the fucking neighborhood, right in Enfield. And this dude gets out, and, you know, he has a wife and kids that he goes back to him. And one of these kids was kind of messing with the babysitter.

So he shows up at this party, and he's got these fucking this. moving people out of the way. And this guy goes, hey man, what are you doing? He goes, mind your business. He goes, I'm looking for somebody who's messing with my babysitter and my kids. And the guy said, hey, man, he goes, I told you. And he goes, eh, and he leans back, and he head butts him. He pulls back. The guy goes back.

And before the guy can snap up front again, he hits him again, and the third time on the way down and just keeps moving. I've never seen anything like it. Just three head butts, bam, bam, bam. And that was it, man. The dude was lights out. And then he just goes to walk through the rest of the party looking for these people. And, you know, yeah, it's crazy shit, man.

But Philly's a great town to grow up, man, you know. Really? Was it fun? Oh, yeah. You know, dude, I got six brothers, you know, I mean, you know, my old man was a cop. You know, I felt bad for my old man. My old man's raising six criminals, you know. We didn't learn the metric system in school.

You're going to throw two or three and a half. You still get your end, and that's three and a half grams, and that's an eighth. And there we go. And, yeah, back in the day. That's fucked up. having a dad who was a cop. I had a best friend who had a dad who was a cop. And it was great because we got away with murder.

But he always drew him a beat in public. In public. Fuck Adrian Peterson with the stick. Yeah. This motherfucker, one night we ran out of the Mike Eye on a check, and another cop came and he goes, Mr. Vantage, oh, Jesus Christ. And he called, and the father came up.

And he stood next to him. Do I need to cut that? No. He stood right there, and he fucking, it was like, me. It was four of us, that dining dashed. The other cop was there, the manager of the Chinese place, and the guy was getting...

He did a dine and dash out of the Wing Fong, but it was closed. So it went over to the Maita. I wonder why it was closed. Because the Wing Fong closed the tent. The Mikai served cocktails, so they stayed open until two. So he was like, I saw Mr. Vanchuk do this a couple times. He would just backhand him in front of people. In public, though.

In public, that being in a conventia. Bam! And he would fall, his glasses would fall. He'd get up, put his glasses on. 10 minutes later, fucking hit him again. I saw him do that to him in school one time in the hallway. Yeah. And I saw him do that to him one time right there that night when we dine and dashed.

And he paid the bill. And he goes, tomorrow, I'm going to get up at 8. I'm going to go to church. Doesn't stop at the bakery. I'm going to get some stuff for my family. I used to get home at 10 to 11. When I get home at 10 to 11, there better be an envelope in my mailbox. Because if there isn't, I'm going to go inside.

I'm gonna get four pair of handcuffs and I'm gonna arrest all four you including my fucking retarded son hilarious we had to come up with like eight we were kids we went into Mike Kai start a lot cocktails spare ribs

like a lot but I mean it's like a scene from law and order you know but you're eight you know it's like my own man anytime anything bad happened in neighbor they come right to our house my old man would shut up the porch light it was like one of those cop windows and hey which one was it

and then you were like you said my old man would not fuck around dude you get a fucking public ass fucking beating. Tremendous. If my own man had to come to a police station and get you for something you got fucking locked up for, dude, it was fucking beatings all the way to fuck home.

I mean, just fucking, you know, my own arm punch, you know. Like, what are you thinking? You know,

like, you know, but it's like growing up with Lieutenant Columbo, you know, is your fucking, you can't get away with nothing. I, uh,

went to see half of, I had, I was locked up, and I had seen, watch the 2020 one night. Is that on ABC, 2020? And I watched Henry Hill getting interviewed.

So I knew about Goodfellar. As soon as I was, and then when I was in prison, I went to the library and ordered the book. So they were promoting that book in 86 or 87 when I was doing time. The movie didn't come out to 89, but I knew it was coming out. So I was in the halfway house where you have to tell them where you're going, you can't smoke weed. Fuck you.

I told them I was going somewhere, but instead I went to the Chinese joint, did my honorary Chinese thing. Let's say the movie comes on 1145. I'd be at the Chinese restaurant, 1101, Jack. I'd eat my little shrimp-pride rice. A fucking egg roll, even though it was not New York style. I'd just make go through the motions. I'd go smoke a joint, even though I was in the halfway house.

I'd get high enough and I go to Goodfellas. And in the middle of Goodfellers is that scene where he's whipping him with the belt. And I'll never forget, a lady three seats from me, said, that is the most disturbing thing in this movie. And I never forget to me, it was just another day. Yeah. Like, I didn't get hit like that, but people in my building got hit like that. Nobody down 9-1-1.

It was just the fucking way of doing business. Kids' parents, some parents, were loose with their hands and others. Yeah. Hey, man, I'll tell you what, my mom was, you know, I mean, you know, I've been hit with everything with soup spoons, the hot wheel tracks, that shit, throwing shoes out. My mom picked up this glass bowl and threw it one. I mean, it's like crazy stuff.

I was very lucky. I don't blame her. I mean, if I had six fucking kids, I'd lose my fucking shit too. I was very lucky. I never really had that happen. I got spanked a couple times. Nothing really that intense. But I remember vividly the first time I saw one of my friends' parents hit the kid in front of me.

It was fucking horrible. But it wasn't even that bad of a hit. He didn't like something that my friend's older brother was doing, and he smacked him in the back of it like that. Not even that hard probably. But I just froze because I never seen anything like it. And now they're all great kids. I mean, it doesn't, it didn't damage them, but I've, I'll always remember that. It just, it was so foreign to me.

I was lucky I didn't have that in my life. I think the worst beating I ever got was when I tricked my mom, and I made it take me the 86th Street. We lived on 205 West 88th Street. On the corner of 86th Street, there was an old Italian guy with a mule. For like $2, he let you sit on the mule and take a picture. In the middle of New York? Right in the middle of New York, right on Broadway by a city bank, across the street from Brookes, menswear.

It was a tremendous corner. There was a pizza place next to a clothing store for children, Carter's clothing store. And I never forget that one day I got on there, and the guy puts the hat on you, the vest on you, and the gun, and you get on the fucking meal. And then it was time to get off the fucking meal. My mom's like, we got to go, you know.

What the fuck? And I'm like, I'm not going. And my mom's like, listen, get off the fucking meal. I'm not going to tell you again. I get off the fucking meal. And I'm like, I'm not getting off the fucking meal. And she took her purse and hit me with that purse.

And I fell off the mule. The mule started running. The guy was yelling at my mom. You had no idea. Yeah, you with the purse? And, you know, I look at my daughter now and I go, you know what, man, I'm going to pay for all those sins. All those things.

Another time we were at a fucking badass restaurant. I used to go to Catholic school on Sundays. They had to drop me off at like 5 o'clock. So my mom would say, I cook for you at the house. I'd take it to a badass restaurant with white people. but my mom was still like a half of fucking Puerto Rican and she's in these places yelling

light and cigarettes you know smoking reef in the bathroom can't do that mom and I wanted my mom used to I was skinny so she's like yeah I drink milk I fucking hate milk till this day Jimmy Shubelan I fucking hate milk you understand

we hate it more than God does the day my daughter was drinking a bottle and the milk dripped on my chest I'd rather an Iranian come on my face that fucking milk come. That's fucking real. That's real lactose and dollars right there, bro.

I like fucking milkshakes, but just plain milk, I can't even smell it. I can't even. So this day, I can't open it and put my nose to it. So your mom? An Iranian cum laude? I don't fucking know. A terrorist, ISIS, dick.

I don't fucking know. So, uh... Better than milk. So, uh, we were at a restaurant. I had a suit on, and my mom's like, you better drink the milk. And I stopped, mom. I was like, 10.

I'm not going to. drink the milk. She said, listen. She called the wait over. She was, listen, do you have any Nestle's quick? Because that was my beef. I wanted the strawberry quick. I'm not drinking the best, but I got strawberry quick. That was your beef, man. And my mom's like, listen, you're drinking that fucking milk, whether they got strawberry

quick or not. Do you have chocolate? And the guy's like, we have nothing. We have ice cream. So I'm like, okay. So I thought the motherfucker was going to make me a shake. No, this hillbilly McGoo takes the vanilla ice cream and puts on top of the fucking milk. Oh my God. I take the milk. I taste it.

and I puke and my mom goes you better drink that milk and I ain't drinking right in the restaurant my mom took the fucking milk and slammed it on my head and I'll never forget the milk was dripping and at the last thing that came down I could feel the ice cream

I could feel the ice cream ball like as I started to cry just fall off and hit me in the lap and she took me in the bathroom and that's when my mom used to carry syringes because I was really sickly my throat would get swollen I had bad tonsils

and there's two things I had I hate milk and I hate fucking needles. I go to acupuncture now to get the fear of needles away. When I was a kid Doug, I don't like needles. If you came my name with a needle full of milk, bro? Oh, fuck. Ranch dressing, I fucking kill you.

That's all they got to do to me. It's fucking torturing me with needles with ranch dressing. I'm good. I hate fucking ranch dressing, too. So, oh my God. This is when she used to shoot me in bathrooms. Oh, really? Oh, and I would go, are you fucking crazy?

And she'd go, I'm not going to the hospital tonight. I'm shooting you. And I go, no, you're not. And my mom would take her purse. She'd shoot that penicillin in that fucking purse. And she'd go, I'm telling you right now, you could do this your way or my way. And I'd be known. I remember that time, after the milk incident, that same night in the stall at the back room, we went at it.

And she fucking goes, well, I'm going to just shoot you like a fuck. And she got me in like a one-arm Nelson and fucking shot me in the ass. I had a bruise on my ass for a fucking monk, Jack. You didn't fuck around, dog It wasn't no I had an option I had one They would tell me one time

And then there was a reminder That reminder After that reminder There wasn't a word She moved like a ninja And quickly Quickly It was

My mother didn't fuck around dog And that You know I look at kids now And I'm like I don't understand I don't want somebody hitting you with a switch

But I tell you what One time I was about 13 I told my mom's like Make the bed We're having company I'm not making the fucking bed. It's like, make the bed.

I'm like, why am I going to make the bed? I'm going to go back to sleep. She's like, what are you going to wipe your ass? You're going to shit again, aren't you? You got to wipe your ass. Same thing with the bed. Make the bed. I went out without making the bed.

I went to Carmine Bauzano's house and got in the pool with like 15 other kids. About 10 minutes later, I'm hearing, Hos Antonio. Hos Antonio. It's got louder and louder. And there's a fence. We're in the pool jumping up and down,

listen to kiss and shit. And all of a sudden, I see my mother's head come up. I swear to God. And she's like, Jose Antonio Sala here. And they're like, Who is that lady? I have no fucking idea.

Get out of here. Call the police. And she's like, call the police. There was matali her putta. She's saying all these shit to me. Finally, I see her little fucking leg come over. Now I know this is going to be deep right here.

They're going to kill her. These fucking people are going to kill this lady. So I got out of the pool. She saw me getting out. She chased me. She chased me. She was hit me with the fucking stick the whole way home. When we got home, she went to hit me.

And I put my hand up the block. That was the end of that fucking thing. She was like, you put your hand up to me. It's over. She went in the kitchen and got bounty and lit it on fire. And came back out of me with the fucking bounty. I'll fucking burn you, mother. Put that hand down.

And the whole time the fire is falling on the carpet. That didn't. I swear of my mother's grave. I swear to my mother. My mother did not fuck around. She lit the, I didn't even know what she was doing. I was like sitting there going, what happened? I didn't do nothing.

She went to hit me and I blocked. That's it. In her world, you're not supposed to block. You gotta take the punch of the jaw. I wasn't taking. I'm 13, 14. She came back at them with that bounty roll on fire. Like Frank. You know how I used to get Frankenstein to go away? It was fucking classic. I remember running up the stairs and little pieces of bounty

were going on the carpet. So I locked her out and then she got to fucking put the little fire out. I felt and threw in the little carpets. It was fucking hysteria. You can't write this shit, though. This is real shit. What do you fucking think you're dealing with it? Joy Beninas. What the fuck you think you're dealing with it?

You ever get beaten? What was the worst beating you got, Lee? I don't remember exactly what it was for, but I remember when I would get spanked or whatever she would do. I would remember, like, it would happen in slow motion. Like, she would slow down. It would be like it would be terrifying. But I don't remember.

But I was saying yesterday before I got too fucked up, and I was getting out of the elevator at my building yesterday, this kid just ran in. But I was still waiting to get off. And my parents would have yanked me out and yelled. Like, my parents were yellers. That was more than physical. So, like, it's just, I remember we went to a new sushi restaurant right after it opened.

And a family came in after us. And my mom and dad did, like, a tag team yell-off, yell-a-thon for, like, 30 minutes. On who? On the poor Asian hostess. It was just unbelievable. I can't believe this. We were here before them, just on and on and on. Once, when I worked at a movie theater, my dad and I went in to go see a movie and this people wouldn't shut up in the theater. My dad went out yelling at my boss for like 20 minutes about people in the

movie theater. So that was it for me. That was probably just as damaging. My parents were fucking yellers. And that's why I'm not. Like in public places, stores, yelling at cashiers at TVS, oh, I used to turn bright red. I used to mortify me. My mother embarrassed the shit on me. How about you? My old man, but... Oh, I hated that shit. Yeah. I didn't

like my mother around. I never invited it to no sporting events. Nothing. Nothing. I knew. I knew. I saw her. She acted at Met Games. They're Cubans. Yeah. That's a different fucking animal. That's their livelihood. That's their... They love it. They act like

like... She used to broke chicken wings at Rusty stuff. she stole a bell from the church for good luck they're completely different Cuban and then when the meds didn't win she told me the bell was bad luck take it back to that voodoo church you belong to I'm never giving them a fucking dime no more you know shit like that it's it's uh I don't know

you know when it comes to beating children I mean like I said I got whacked a couple times last time I got whacked was a week before she died she smacked me in the fucking face because I didn't call it when I was supposed to they didn't fuck around Cuban people.

My mom always knew that I would eat her alive if she let me. She had brothers, and my mother always knew. Felicia, I always tell Felicia, you got two boys. You can't fuck around. When they're about 15, they're going to push you one day. That's when you go in the kitchen, get a stick, and break it over their fucking head. And that sets a message. That's a present for the older one and the little one going,

Mommy ain't fucking around. If you don't do that at 15, they'll eat you out. A boy will eat a mother up. And I already see it happening with you in Mercy. No, well, it works the opposite way. Yeah. A mom always covers for the boys. Yeah, yeah.

You're always your mom's boys. So, you know, you're always covered for them the same goal as the other way around. You know, it's a really weird relation thing. Well, you know, I don't have kids, so I don't know. But, I mean, my brothers do. I got nephews, you know. But, man, you're right. My old man would set a tone.

I mean, he had six boys, and I mean, it got crazy, man. I mean, we got in fist fights. I would leave for a month. I'd go stay in my friend's basement. You know, and I eventually get invited back. I'd go down to my grandmother's house. That was a great equalizer.

Because my dad threw out. We'd go down my grandmother's house. And then we knew he would come down. His mom would make an embarrassment. What are you doing, Bob, with these kids? You know, because they're coming down here going, he threw me out. You know, she would bust his ball.

She was like, you know, the Great Eagleizer. Yeah, my dad was nuts. I mean, he's a cop in the city of Philadelphia, bro. You're like the last line of the fence holding a little in that garbage can they call the city, you know. I couldn't imagine being a cop and coming home and dealing with six of my children because I'm seeing the dark side. I know what I don't want. They don't even fucking know. They don't even know.

They think the worst thing that could happen is their skateboard breaks or the guy chases you after you steal a fucking grape or whatever from the deli. You know, it's amazing. I was thinking or something. We were talking about a mutual friend there, and you have a friend that just doesn't, you know, I don't understand him, his work ethic. I always look at people's work ethic sometimes. And this new, young, a lot of younger people

don't have the work ethic, the blue collar mentality. Yeah. I bring the blue collar mentality to my job. Yeah, absolutely. I'm a blue collar guy. I've had jobs since I'm 12. I've always did something, doing something.

I was always watching. I've had jobs. since I'm fucking 12. I was thinking about the other day. I've never not worked, ever remember working. I mean, you know, you had to work. I was paying my mom fucking bored when I was like 16.

It was $40 a month. I mean, you had to like... You had to. Yeah, you had to contribute when you come from a big family. Everybody's kicking in, you know? It's amazing that I didn't lie. I say the statement that now I retract.

I'm going to tell you what happened in this country. You ready? I didn't notice this until... I've been telling Lee that if I had a child, if anybody has a child, if anybody's confused to get a job selling cars, because it'll follow you for the rest of your life. You'll take more from that job.

Even if you don't end up a salesman, you'll see what it is to sell. You'll learn the process of selling, the paperwork, the bank, how people, and it's psychology, and you really enjoy psychology. But do you want me to tell you what destroyed the youth in this country that I didn't realize why I went on? What?

No more paper routes. Wow. Yeah. That work effort. Listen, the hardest I ever worked in my life. I used to work at my mom's bar. My gig was, I got out of school at three, I walked up there. I stocked the shells. I cleaned the men's bathroom, the woman's bathroom, even though it was clean already. My mom just to come up, help.

Stack the bottles, go to the store for me, get me ham, get me ice, whatever. Clean out, that's it. She gave me a 20. One day, my buddy's got a job delivering papers, and it seemed so fucking cool. I covered for them one of the week, and I was like, God damn, this is cool. So I called the guy's boss, and I kept asking, I'm asking, ask him, ask him.

Now, like I told you guys before, I'm from the second hilliest city in the country, North Bergen, New Jersey. It's the second hilliest. Now, 46th Street Hill, they're like this. Right. No, 43rd Street Hill is like this, but behind the police station

is one of the worst hills in the country. It's like this. And after it goes like this, and it goes, it slows down. Mr. Eggazee, the Eggazee's, lived in the corner. I knew a lot of people lived in that street. There was a guy who lived around the corner. I used to put bets on with a real fucking gangster.

And every time you'd go to his house, he always scanned you. Like, this guy was the real fucking deal. Like, whenever you went to his house, you always look at your body. What are you a 12 and a half? So even if you beat him for $60, like, let's say you won a 10-time parlay, or two-five timers, you won $60, whatever fuck it is, I'm sorry. He didn't give you that $60. dollars. There was no way he was giving you. He never gave you money. You always bought something.

He had a garage that when he opened the garage, the shit would fall out, and he would put it back in when he was talking to him. He had to help and close it. It was something that you can't write in the movie. That's great, too. I'm 16, 15, putting bets into my friend and going to his house. But when you walked in, he always eyeball you. Lee, it was his, and he was Italian, not Jewish. Jews do this kind of shit, you know. good salesman and he looked at you and go, Jimmy, what are your size 12? No, I'm size 11.

Don't worry about it. And he'd go, he gets you these fucking sneakers. Look at these things. They're tremendous. Some fucking black guy sold him to me. Tremendous. Dr. J. Don't worry me.

What do you got? Give me 60. I need 90, but your family, give me... I mean, it was fucking amazing. And guess what? You were a size 9, but he sold you're 12. That's how good he fucking was. You were size 10 and gave you a pair of socks with it.

socks in there, you run around, you break them in. But I, and that's how I met him, Drew, that fucking... I called the guy, and not the mobster, but I called the newspaper guy, and he called me back like three weeks before Christmas in Jersey, and he goes, hey, guess what? I got a paper out for you.

It's 46th Street Hill, the hill that's like that. I did that fucking thing until March, and I sit here like an asshole and said, I should have quit in January. Like now, but I couldn't quit. I learned so much because you have to collect, deliver, knock on the people's door,

get the money from them, you have to get new clients, you have to knock on other client's doors every week and go, excuse me, would you like the Sunday paper? So it teaches you collecting, bookkeeping, marketing. And a very basic level, it's something you can fucking, you know, you can fucking, you know, it's 15, 60, and that was the beginning of my casing apartments. Right there, I knew how the case had a joint. You let the window open, they leave a key under the fucking milkbox.

That's how you learn how to really be a burglar. That was my beginnings. A burglary without even fucking... I'm not trying to be cute. That was the beginning because I started noticing little things. And later on, when I became a burglar, check the milk box.

There's always a key in that. The bathroom windows always open, right? Because you always open up because it gets hot in there. There's always that. That's why you always close the fucking window. A lot of people just close it. Trust me, if you leave your shower window open, if you got a pound of coke in there,

I don't care if you live on the 40th floor. I'll get a helicopter to bring me down and I'll slip into that bathroom window. Trust me, bathroom windows are always. tip of you. Shut the bathroom fucking window, cocksucker. No other fucking podcast guy tells you that. That's how they get it nine or ten times

with a bathroom window. I don't care how small is. What's up, Lisa, yeah? No, it's crazy, though, because it's not even just paper rots anymore. Like, the first job, I did, like, some stupid jobs around town, but my first real job was CVS. And they don't have those jobs anymore. How old do you?

15, because I bought my first car with it. Look at you. Shit. Yeah. No, no. But... Who's your first car, 1997 Chevrolet Cavalier, where the horn didn't work, and when I brought it to a body shop, they couldn't figure out that a fuse was broken, so they installed a horn on my left hand side, like, by the floor, let it depress a button. But

it was fucked up. But I loved the car, because kids in my town, my parents moved to a town right before. It got really wealthy. So kids in my class were getting escalades and stuff for free, and I had this shitty car. But I, I loved it. I never got in a crash. It was your car. Yeah. But they never, they don't have those jobs anymore for kids those age because a lot of people

who had higher paying jobs with college degrees aren't getting work now, so they're getting that work. So now kids can't get those jobs. What fucking college degree guys are going to deliver papers? A lot of people now, dude. There's a lot of people who can't find jobs and there's people who I went, who I worked at movie eaters with in high school and are still working there. If I see a fucking old man

delivering papers. Out of a car now, because they don't want kids running bikes. They got sign spinning. A lot of kids from your generation doing the sign spinning. You can see sign spinning in the daytime over there.

I could do one move. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do that. Oh, my God. They practice at NoHo Park in the morning. I see them out there. I see them all the time. Those guys are out there working. I mean, it's a real fucking gig.

No more paper routes. I think paper routes have been replaced by sign spinning. Do you remember how you felt when you were fucking 20, 21, thinking about your future? and what job you want. Like, I remember I was picky.

I got to want that job. There's no future in fucking a shirt, fucking factory. One of my teachers got me a job in a shirt factory. And everything in Jersey is always like, it's a great job. It's a great job. Plus you could steal. Yeah.

I fucking sold health. I sold health for like a little work to the health club selling membership. So it was like I had a job. It was like a year right out of high school. And I was going, yeah, so I can make a little hustle. But, I mean, I just wanted to do. I knew what I wanted to do. So I just, I couldn't wait to break to the,

start doing stand-down. But I, wow, this is fucking animal. I'm sorry, I'm fucked up. But, yeah, I always kind of knew I wanted to do stand-up. Everything I was doing was saving money. I mean, I worked as a fucking bartender

and did construction carry 90-pound cinderblocks, starting to save some fucking dough to go to Los Angeles. I wanted to be a stand-up, you know? So you started out here? No, I started in Philly. I did it for two years in Philly, and drove across. Oliver when you started?

Like 18? Yeah, that's a tremendous. At 18, stand-up comedy wasn't even in my fucking repertoire. Like, I loved Richard Pry. I'd gone to see movies. I had the albums, you know, but I didn't think it was possible.

I didn't fucking stand-up. I'm in fucking some bar on Kennedy Boulevard. What am I going to do fucking stand-up? Oh, my God. But Lee was talking about what kids go through at 25. What do you go through at 22? when you're 21 when you don't go to college

and all your friends go to college and they come home for Thanksgiving and they come to the bar with their fucking college shirt on and you're fucking enjoying your brains out smoking a cigarette sweating up a storm. How's life? I'm coming from in there. You're up there learning about electricity I'm down here fucking inventing it on Christmas.

I'm over here getting fucking jolted, cucks up. It's crazy. It was one of the most insecure feelings for me growing up. I would go to a bar I'd be a Coke dealer and a thief. These kids, I went to school, be coming back from fucking Penn State.

I remember my friends went to school with, like, Marino, at Pitt. And that's when they were snorting. Big blow up there, pit. And they were coming to St. To West New York, I'm telling you, I'm not lying to you. The University of Pittsburgh,

they were getting a half a fucking pound of weekends shipped up there when I was a kid. Marino was playing all my friends would go up there. I never went up there. I was going to, I don't know. because the guy who they were going to heat, he was like a bench warmer from my high school, not my high school,

from my Catholic high school. So once he went up there, everybody started going up there to visit him or whatever. So, you know who's a good friend of mine, man? Who? He's got a lot of heat now. You know who I grew up with?

He's getting a lot of fucking heat right now? The defensive coordinator from the University of Miami. What happened? Mark Danfriel. Look him up. He got a lot of heat, man, because they weren't,

they were sucking. They were going to beat. But they were torturing him. But I grew up with him. I mean, really grew up with him. Like, I grew up in his, brother. I remember when they used to tie him up and make him eat raw eggs.

When he was a kid, what they did to that kid, that's why that kid went to Pensea was in all-American as a sophomore. He drove paternal fucking crazy. He got banned from playing. He brought a keg in. That kid was crazy. One time I was out with him one night, he fucking slammed some undercover cop, dog. I mean, he was a badass motherfucker. This kid

was not. He was missing something when he was young. What I think what his brothers did to him growing up fucking affected him, they tied him to a bicycle one time. and made him go down a hill and shit. I mean, they just did some fucking wild stuff to him, man. I saw him one time when he was just going to Penn State, and I was scared for a minute.

Like, he's going to remember that. I was dead. That day he ate a raw egg. Like, they tied him up in the winter and made me the raw egg, like a fucking shell and everything. You know, he was like eight, and they were tormenting this kid. So sure, he probably fucking grew up with anger.

Who didn't have that? That was one of the best neighborhoods. You know, I catch myself living in that neighborhood once a week. After my mother died, I got into this weird group of guys. They were all like fucking either Irish or Italian. They were crazy. And every day somebody played hockey. I sold the mescaline.

I used to go to East Straussburg on Saturdays with a buddy of mine and pick up mescaline and acid and three white and black beauties and all this shit. I'd take it back up north and fucking... I forgot what I was on because. And take him up fucking, what are we talking about? Anybody you know? About that neighborhood.

About that neighborhood. That's right. And I'd sell up. So any time they played hooky, they would always contact me for either mescaline or little ups. And I would get tied into these little parties. And I used to see some crazy shit. Like, I had seen growing up doing some crazy shit. There was one guy that was a cop son.

And every time he got fucked up, he pulled out of service revolvers to the point. fucking D.D. Mao. By himself. What's D.D. No. With that shit, when you're Russian roulette. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You have no fucking idea what that's like. That's insane. You have no idea

what that's like. When you know what a bullet sounds like they were fucking around. They thought it was cute. But every time he'd get fucked up, he'd go up to his father's and come down with a gun or two guns and spend let's play Russian roulette. Oh, no. No, no, don't do this shit.

They do it by himself. Look. He actually Have a ball, didn't it? Oh my God, he did it to himself Three times. That's fucking insane. That's fucking insane. No.

He's the same guy. He saw you a piece of dog shit. He's on Facebook now. I talk about 55. Oh, my God. Why do you eat the dog shit? Because he did us. Like, he would get fucked up.

up and do dares. Like, he would get fucked up and go, all right, who dares me to go up there and just smack fucking this guy in the head? And he would do it. Like, he just had to fuck. I saw him smack a cone out of a guy's hand one day,

and it was the most brilliant thing. Like, the guy was licking a cold. Like, licking it down the street, and he's like, I'm going to kill this motherfucker. And when, and what? You just walked on the gang of kids?

I'm going to get a lot. And all he had to do was say something, and we were like, fire. We were like fuel on him. Yeah, you should. You think so, yeah. And he smacked the fucking guy,

punched the other one. I mean, it was just classic. It was out of a movie. It's freezing out. It is, guys, it's January 10th or after the Christmas break. Unless you lived across that Hudson River before they put all those tall buildings up when that wind would come off that fucking Hudson River

and come up your ears would just freeze. Yeah. Tears would come down your eyes. So we would play hooky and go to the... somebody's house but you had to smoke cigarettes and pot outside I didn't smoke cigarettes like so you had to go outside and smoke fucking pot outside they had a big house but they had a small yard when I'm talking about a small yard I'm talking about seven by 15 and the mom had a French portal so the French portal

shit in the yard and it was winter so who cleans the shit the shit would just freeze up solid like it was like little fucking Hershey boss oh my So we're outside smoking a joint. And I see him looking at the shit. And he's like, who dares me to eat in pieces? And we lost it. We lost it. We lost it.

He's like, who dares me eat a piece of shit? Pass the hat around. Take your head off. Let's get a collection. We put like $6 in change. And he's like, you motherfuckers dare me what you don't think we'll do it. He was like half, you know, he was half retardant. He just wanted us to fuel him.

And we'll be like, yeah, guy, you don't think I'd do it? I'll fucking do it. Guys, pick a piece. We got the biggest piece. It had snow on it and fucking hair and lint and everything. Well, I picked that one up. He went right over, picked it up

with his hands, looked at it, showed it to us, and bit into it. And chewed it, Jimmy's shooting. Oh, God, man. And then took the last piece of one like this. He threw it up in the air like an olive. They looked at it with Michael. With his tongue.

Guys, half the room puked, I fucking die the laughter. That's my world. When somebody eats a piece of shit, that is my fucking world. And today he's married, he's on Facebook. He's got kids. Will he be your friend on Facebook? Yeah, he's my friend on Facebook.

I just can't say his name. He's a great guy. I think he'd be pissed off. Yeah, I think so. You don't want his wife and shit to know. He's a piece of shit. Nobody, you know, when he's 16 months. He probably told him.

Those are those neighborhoods. Those are those neighborhoods. You're right. Those are those neighborhoods that, you know, people go, Joey, these stories. This is where these stories started. This is, you know, this is fucking crap. Last week, I went home, I went to New York, and I, you know, whenever I go once a year. Yeah.

I go once a year and I try to keep it light because I know what it does to my inside. It cooks them for about three weeks. But driving through those side streets, I remember this other story. I hung out with this other kid. This dad was a fucking big-time cop, big time. So he used to tell me, and he was really good-looking. So I figured out a scammer. He used to like the gamble.

He said, dog, the biggest scam going is we've got to go down the boulevard east and mug fucking... In those days, they weren't fags. It was perverted people like that guy from 7-7. You know what I'm saying? You're going to beat up the dad from 7-7? You know, in hindsight, I made a mistake. I should have never said they were gay men. You know, when I was a kid, what people would do was drunk guys from Manhattan

would come over into the Jersey side and drive on Boulevard East to see if young men would be out there like confused or sleeping on a park bench and they pull up to them, hey, you know how to get to the park, you know, are you hungry again? Let's go eat and they try to fucking sex year. One time as a kid,

the only time anybody ever tried to pull a sexual stunt on me was one Christmas. I was by St. Michael shooting a hoop. And I got in the fucking, there was no buses. It was like fucking two feet of snow. There was no buses. and I was standing out there for 45 minutes. I was freezing, and some guy pulled up.

He said, you run a ride? I go, yeah, I'm going up. He goes, yeah, we'll go right up. It was like 15-block walk. I just didn't want to walk. My sneakers were already frozen. I had the basketball between my legs and he was driving. He asked me if I played basketball.

And at the end, he went to hit the ball. But he stopped and he hit my ball sack. I fucking froze up. He grabbed my balls. I froze up. And it was by Sears Roebuck, and the door opened. And I just fucking flew it. Like God was in the car.

The door opened and I just fucking ran out of it. He said, come back. fucking kill you, but I ran through the fucking weeds. Jesus. Yeah. What are you going to do? This pervert. They took a serious turn at the end. No, but it wasn't a guy from 7th Heaven.

The people from 7th Heaven, they came over at night. And me and this guy used to go, I mean, me and this guy went on a fucking crime spree. And nobody knew. We did it for about a year, and nobody knew. He had a girlfriend. She was on

the level. He would take her home. He would call me from my house. I'm leaving right now. I'll be by the house in 15 minutes. He had a car. He'd picked me up. He loved it. He loved it, but he couldn't be because he but I used to use him as bait because he was so good looking. And I'd put him out there with his shirt

open and shit. Fucking hilarious. Fucking hilarious. And I remember like, I got on that boat late, the people who were beating up perverts. I'm bull of all these. I had friends that were really going down there. Like every night in the summer looking for perverts on Boulevardies.

And I'm not even kidding you. I wish, I heard stories about friends of mine that, you know, fucking would drag them. It was just sickening. These guys would get drunk and want their dick suck. They were married and wanted to do. They're just perverts. Hey, what are you going to do? You got to have some fun some way, you know?

Just amazing, man. So you were just back there but going through it, all these stories? All these stories. I'm driving on these side streets. I had walked through all those fucking side streets. One of the guys I was with that I ate Chinese food. I went to eat Cuban food with him one day. I went to Rudy's with him.

He used to pimp out a girl. When he was like 20, he had a chick that was like 18 that sucked the vice principal's dick. She sucked everybody's dick. And I always thought she was hot, Jimmy Schubert. She was banging. And I always thought she was kind of fucking creepy. So I didn't fuck with her.

So when he was selling weed, and I called him, I said, I'm going to come down and buy weed. He goes, I might not be there, but Gabby will be there. That was the girl's name. So I went down, and they opened the door, and Gabby was naked. And she was kind of standoffice. She was completely naked.

I gave her the money. She gave me the weed, and I left. Nothing happened. About three months later, I'm walking on Kennedy Boulevard, and out of light, I look, and it's Gabby, and one of those cavaliers. I go, Gabby, what are you doing? She's like, nothing.

Why? I go, you want to suck my dick? And she's like, sure, get in that. She was that much of a dirty animal. We just drove. We went to a side street Like a residential neighbor She double-ponged

I took my euk out She sucked her And she dropped me off She wanted a fucking Manry way You just asked her at the light Just at the line Like hi how you're doing

Yeah because I knew she was crazy What the fuck I might as well everybody else My friend was pimping around At this point I might as well get my dick sucked It was fucking crazy She had like yellow teeth She was hot

Who gave them Who gives a fuck? What's up, Lisa, I had? It's a Wednesday night, people. This is what the church What's happened now is about. Wednesday night, what are you going to do? What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? I had something fucked up happened last night after I went home. What happened? I was watching porn before I went to bed and I had to turn it off and just go to bed because in the middle of the fucking video, the girl had really dirty feet.

No, she didn't. And I just started the thing. thinking of you and then I couldn't do it. It was like, I got pissed off at two as high as fuck. And the girl had like super dirty feet. I almost sent you the link. But I was like, I can't tweet you a porn link. You got to go to YouTube

and find dirty, clean feet. That women with clean feet that still have respect for life that watch their feet. There's others that walk around all day with dirty feet and they want to suck your dick. You know you got ringworm and you're fucking... She's

got dirty feet. You walk in the jungle. That's a red flag, man. That's a red flag, man. Oh, no, it's a joke he tells, and he said it on here before. And that's the last thing I wanted to think about was Joey at that moment at 2 in the morning. That's the most disgusting thing I ever saw. Ari Shafia, when they showed me U-Porn, and the chick was sucking the guy's dick. I don't know who it was, some famous chick that we had seen.

And I go, when we get back to the hotel, I didn't travel with a computer, and I go, show me this girl. And he showed it to me, she was sucking this guy's dick. She was beautiful, but her heel was dirty. like black you gotta wear if your heel looks like that what's your assholes you're gonna gauge a person

you know if their fucking foot is all fucked up yeah Jimmy two shoes in the house ladies and fucking Joe Col Dias what's up buddy you know it's funny

what year did you hit the comedy store Jimmy did I had the comedy store in 1985 oh my god yeah that's 29 years ago. Yeah, man.

That's so funny. I was a doorman there working there, and it was like the fucking hey day, man. I mean, I literally, I mean, you got to see everybody, fucking Jim Carrey, like, and like one night. I mean, all those people would come, like, so... I mean, it was a great place to be, and I was only

like fucking two years in at the time, so I was working a door watching comedy. It was like my college, you know. It was amazing to watch, you know. You were there, you saw the Carlin Pride coming in. got the scene out of that. Yeah.

I never got to see no of that. I mean, you were there when it was just, you know, it was just... I was in a motorcycle accident. I remember I cut my cast off. My brother Joey came out with a couple buddies from Philly, and they were staying next door to the comedy store. And my leg had been in the cast from a motorcycle accident, and I cut this fucking thing off.

And I'm washed it down, and it's my first night without the cast, and I'm walking out of the Hyatt over to the comedy store. and Richard Pryor pulls in in his Ferrari and it just was a timing thing I'm coming out and walk it up and I was just kind of like

limping a little bit because I just cut it off and he had this great little fucking thing I go hey oh he goes what's wrong I said I was in a motorcycle and he goes yeah I got a motorcycle and I said I would get rid of it

you know and I walked up and they didn't we just had like a real fucking human moment with Richard Pryor he walks into the comedy store and we kind of kept walking and I stopped and he came back out and he was Richard I said Richard man Jimmy Schumer has realized to me

but I mean he was Richard fucking prior and I had this great little walk and talk with him just from the front of the Hyatt to the front of the comedy story and you're walking with a legend you just had this fucking really cool fucking human moment with him and then he comes back and it was like you know I mean that was the kind of stuff that happened there you watch them come in and do seven minutes and three months later you turned it into four

45 minutes of a brilliant comedy, you know. It's amazing how much that probably meant to you. I mean, it does. I mean, you remember it to this day. Like that four-minute walk, not even. Yeah. And just, like, talking about motorcycles. Yeah.

You know, there's certain people that you see on TV and you have your whatever, whatever, bottom, your assumptions about it. Then you come out of it, and they become a reality. And you do have, I don't know, it's just a weird thing. And it doesn't make you a better person. It just makes you... For me, it was James Colbert. Alan Stevens got me two days on Arles with James Coverin.

And I had lines with him. Are you fucking kidding? I went to prison. I didn't study with Stanislauski. I didn't know who these people are. I don't know who these greats are. And all of a sudden, here I am. And then I started asking some creepy questions about Bruce Lee.

Like, you know, after I talked to him and we had spoken Cuban, no shit. Oh, my God. That's a beautiful fucking... country and Steve McQueen loved all that stuff and he would drop all this shit on me and then you got to do lines with the fucking guy and him telling me the queer acting

class that ruins your natural they're just trying to take your kid's money you know just that for a minute that's it shaking his hand and walking out of the room that nobody needs to know about that there was no pictures there was nothing I would never even bring out of camera that day I still don't

you know but it's just really what a weird feeling it was for me also. So you have those, just something. The little signs, you know, hey, it's going in the right direction. And it gives you a humanity, doesn't it get? Yeah. It gives you faith in humanity. Well, do you guys think about that? Because, I mean, both of you are at that point now where younger comics must,

I'm sure they have stories outside Jimmy Schubert at the store. He said he liked that one joke. Like, do you think about how, like, you can do that for other people now? I mean, yeah, I've always done that. I mean, I've always had, like, you know, Toram McKinnison and doing that. I mean, there were always guys that were helping you out and guys to help you write. And we're always giving you good advice along, so you always feel obligated to be kind of a good ambassador, you know what I mean, and help other people out if you can, anyway, people trying to get up.

Guys you like, guys you believe in. You're always helping people out. That's the one thing I really like about comedy. And that's what was missing when I wasn't going to the store. I didn't have my little friends that you talked to and they, You know, that's what it's all about, is touching somebody, is making somebody's day, you know. And what may seem minuscule to you is fucking huge to them, and you don't even know it. You don't fucking know it.

I don't think about it that way. You know, I don't think about it that way. So, but no, you have that thing at the store or anybody else, anywhere else around here. And I see a thousand people. Yeah. I just don't say dick to them. You know, what are you going to say dick to somebody for? I don't want to say, I don't know these people.

But there's a few people that if you'd see, you might say something. You have to say the right thing. You know, you can't ask you a fucking stupid question. Or, you know, like, hey, what do you think of this, Joe? No, just ask them outright. And they'll talk to you. They'll fucking talk to you. You'll know him right there off the first thing.

You know, whatever. Yeah. Whatever. I saw fucking Eric Clapton in the car and I went up to him. Did you really? I was going to the police. I was going on an audition, 930, but a police station. There's a live on the other side of sunset, going towards Santa Monica.

Is it Coenga? Coenga. There's a little police there. Coanga. Yeah. Right there. Fucking Coenga one day. There's an audition. There's a little house there. We used to go to auditions maybe five years ago on the corner. A shitty neighbor was a commercial audition place.

Yeah. I parked in there, and I went in there. And I saw the light stop. And I look at the thing, and it's fucking Eric Clapton. I had ten. What? Two minutes to strike? So I made sure he turned his head.

I had to make sure he looked over. And once he looked over, I was like, and he lowered his window. Who's better than you? That's it. That's all I said to. Who's fucking better than you? And he looked at me, smiled,

and said, thank you, and kept going. That's fucking beautiful. That's all I want. I don't want to ask him. I actually don't know how to play the guitar. When you did Layla, who the fuck gives a fuck? Whether or they want to come,

become witty. What the fuck guy? Take the picture, hello, and move on. You want to ask questions? Go Wikipedia. Fucking, you know. By the way,

they try it out, the guy just wants to drive his fucking car. The guy just wants to go eat. The guy just wants to... I remember doing the longest yard, like the first weekend in being in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and we went to this off place,

like a Japanese restaurant. And it was amazing that people had no class. I had never seen that. I had never seen a man interrupting people being interrupted what a fork was about to go in his mouth. And it wasn't a Denny's. This was a Japanese steakhouse or something in Santa Fe.

Sandler took everybody, but they couldn't close the place, so half the place was still open to the public. And I'll never forget. I wasn't even sitting at the Sandler table. I was sitting like Ivan Salieri. I was with the Bums at that point. They didn't have me with the fucking regular people.

They had me with the fucking D-Team. me, the lurchy guy from fucking India, Nick Taturo that's who I was hanging with in the beginning. Then I moved up a notch at two. Tracy Morgan was in that table because they thought Tracy was crazy so he had to sit with us and then let him sit

with Chris Rock or Adam Sandler and fucking I remember that it was a Sunday night I'll never forget that there were kids there and our parents would go up and say excuse me we don't want to bother you while you eat and why the fuck are you bothering me then

that is the most idiotic idiotic statement ever to tell somebody, excuse me, I don't want to bother you while you eat. Then don't. Then don't. But we need a picture. It was amazing. The food is getting cold, and people were like,

we need another picture from my aunt. And thank God, Adam Sandler's a fucking sweetheart. Thank God, because if there was somebody else, they were said, security. Get these fucking people out of here. You with the fucking retarded kid with a big ear. Get the fuck out of here with the ugly fucking kid.

It's really amazing. No, no, no. Listen, Jimmy Schumer, you were at... You were at the store at a time when it was Studio 54 in Los Angeles. Yeah, man, it was. That's a good call. That's a great fucking... Plain and simple.

There's no two ways of looking at it. If you talk to anybody from 95 in, that's anybody, they got a comedy store story. They'll put you to the side and say, well, that's don't want to the comedy store. I went up that I got a fucking drink to meet a friend

and I ended up snorting boto him. You know, I heard a story you know, I heard shit like this like I remember

Bert Reynolds going one night I had a meet Alan Thick and night moves working on the night moves what's that guy's name?

Come on nobody fucking knows his name What, well Bob Seeger? Bob Seeger. So here's Bert Reynolds

meeting Alan Thick and Bob Seeger to go see Sam Kennison. You want me to run that by you again? You know, I remember Bert Reynolds saying, being at the store one night, they took us into the main Nelson. There was a knock on the door. We opened the door.

It was Willie Nelson. Willie Nelson, just walking on the main room door on the side. Just knocking. He heard a rumor that there might be somebody in there with a bag of blow and cocktails. And he came up with a fucking guitar. He went on stage? On the guitar, while they were all snorting the show I did this time.

You know, there's a thousand of these fucking stories. Oh, dude, Crestill. Crestill, the place behind the comedy store during that era was fucking, I mean, you know, fucking Ron Jeremy's up there, Ted Nudgeon's up there, fucking Kinnisn's up there. I mean, when it was fucking, I mean, they would all hanged to the comedy store. The after party was up there for like, fucking two, three days. I mean, and you're sitting up there. This was like Crestill.

This was like Marin stayed there. This was a house and had a big house with a bunch of rooms, and comedians would come out there, dude, and they would fucking. and hang out, fucking snort and drink bottles of Jack Danes and bust the furniture up and throw it in the fireplace. Just, yeah. God threw a liking on me because he didn't make me not like needles because I would have done heroin.

And he made me not come out here then because that would have fell right into the hole of death. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Well, he survived. I mean, you know, I mean, I was fucking Marham is back then. Me and Maron. I was a young kid.

Yeah, we were fucking kids, man. We started. Me and Marim were fucking kids, man. Doorman at the fucking store. Me and a kid named Newells Levenstein would come in there, we were just, had to fucking sit. That main room, they flipped that main room three fucking times.

And you're sitting on it. Me, Me, Me, Newell's passed the same $5 bill back and forth all night just to let people know they had to tip us. And we would walk with, like, fucking, you know, a couple hundred bucks. I mean, that's how you made your living. But you would flip that fucking main room. It's 500 seats. They would flip it with three shows. Five years.

Two shows in the belly room and two shows in the, I mean, just flipping the room like fucking crazy. I mean, it was unbelievable. Every night or like Friday Saturday? Well, it used to be the old Ceros. I mean, that was the old Ceros. When they bought, the original room was next door. When they bought that other place, that

was owned by the fucking gangster. He used to run Ceros. And he also had the house that was Crest Hill. When he bought that, the house came with it. There's a fucking little barrel where you can run fucking moonshine down there. I mean, that place is rigged and hooked to the house and there's a lot of history with it. They, you know,

they call it the belly room. but there was gangsters and, I'm sure, illegal abortions performed back there. I mean, that's what they say. It's haunted. The place is supposedly haunted. No, when you get there, and when you walk in there now, what do you see, Jimmy Schubert? 30 years later, 25 years later, what do you see now? You know, comedy's changed so much.

I mean, I mean, then it was a different, I'm a different animal. Now it's social media, and it's become like, you know, it's great. I mean, you know, comedy has its ups and downs. People have their ups and downs in their careers. And I think comedy's on the fucking boom now. I think it's, you know, they're doing 15,000 seats at this odd ball festival that's traveling around. I mean, you guys know you're doing arenas and theaters and stuff. Comedy's on the, it's grown a lot.

You know, back then, if you think about it realistically, in 1970, I don't think you can make it living being a stand-o comedian, like 75 or 72, whenever the comedy store started. You couldn't go, I mean, you'd open for big name acts, but, I mean, you couldn't tour the country. Like, you can do it now. I mean, it's growing. It's where I'd just the fucking grow industry. You know? He's got an email, a new comedy club opened. You know, they open and they closed.

They all hire Screech. And somebody always gets, these new comedy clubs always get put together at a higher streak. Once I see Screech on the fucking schedule, I don't go there. I see Screech on the menu, I don't go there. Done. You fucking fucked up.

I see Screech or the stars of soap operas, you're done. Oh, God. Fuck you. That's hilarious That edible is tremendous You get nice and thirsty You're fucking dehydrate

I blow through three bottles of water I'm telling you That's why I like this When I did blow I used to drink water That made me feel healthy That's how I used to What's who cares

What do you mean I'm not healthy I did an eight ball Yeah But who drank a gallon of fucking water And then I eat sushi for breakfast I'm back It's Go ahead I'm sorry

Oh no I just We had Joe Rogan on Like a month or so ago and I got to how to ask this question but I if you weren't a comic back then you probably didn't know about the comedy store

like it wasn't as now with all these podcasts everyone everyone who listens to them knows about the comedy store is it kind of but does it detract from it at all like are you almost

kind of upset like without podcast you guys like it would be a lot harder to sell tickets so it's great but are you almost like are you almost a little bit sad now that it's not just like

a secret local club that you guys had. I don't... Well, not a secret club, but like it wasn't, like now everyone around, people in Australia, people in Japan know about the comedy store. And it's, it's, uh,

I didn't know if it was something you wish everyone didn't know about it. No, everybody knows about it. Yeah, dude, the comedy store is a specials there. Yeah. It was badass, man. Okay. And let me tell you. I just happened to be there at that time, but I mean, there was a time before that. I mean, a letterman came out of

there fucking Robin Williams, Jay Leno. I mean, Everybody was... And who was... It was an infraub group. Yeah. Craig T. Nelson, Tim Reed. I mean, a lot of guys. Amazing.

Who was the director that used to do fucking... It's on the walls. You go on the walls there. You look, you fucking... Your head all spent. Listen, I started comedy in 91, in July of 91. And maybe, like, six months then,

somebody pulled me aside, and they said, there's Mitzie Shaw senior. So, six months in, I was already pre-programmed that I was going to the comedy store. In all those years, that I was warming up,

Nobody ever came to me and said, hey, I'll see you at the improv. I didn't know until I didn't know about the laugh factory. I didn't hear about the laugh factory until I came to showcase there when I lived in Seattle. I always knew about the comedy store. And you read the, you know, prior information, and you read all that stuff. And they were there. At that time, I was connected to a comedy store through Richard Pryor, Robin Williams, and Kennison. And then as I got more into comedy, I learned more about the spot.

But that was the spot I was sent to go into from day one. I don't know who sent me. I don't know who. They just sent me to go there. You know, when you begin comedy, it's like anything else. If you start fighting tomorrow and you're 22, what's your goal? The UFC. Right.

There's no point. I want to fight because I want to spread wealth. No. You're going to fight because you're going to go into the UFC. Yeah. If not, it's not going to work out for you. That's it. You're going to fight little arena fights to your 38.

And you're like, Rocky Bob Bow, getting beat up every fucking weekend for $55. No. Your goal is to be on the biggest stage in the world. For me, it was the comedy store. For me, I don't know what I'd do if she wouldn't have passed me. I don't think I could have recovered from that shock. That would have really shocked my soul. And I see a lot of people who I came up with that didn't get past.

It really fucks with you a little bit. Because that's no matter what, that's always the ultimate fucking spot. You got to go through there before you get to. to fucking me. You understand me? You gotta go through there. That's it. In my world, that's how it is. For me, I know, you know, we both, Jim and I both had the same manager who was very aggressive.

Who really we had the McDonald here two weeks ago. Oh yeah? And we talked about and we talked about how aggressive he was that. And our friend Jeff Gettlin? Jeff. If Jeff had, we had Jeff today, we'd both be on TV. Yeah. Because Jeff was too good

for me. I don't know about Jimmy. I wasn't ready for Jeff. was throwing me into roles, you know. Yeah. I'm a saying to talk to Woody Allen type shit. Jeff didn't give a fuck. My famous story is Jimmy Schubert went out when I got fucked up, went for a pilot,

fucked it up. Jeff got him in there the next day. That's an heard of in this business. That's anherty of because Jeff would pick up the fucking phone. Jeff ruined us. Yeah. Jeff ruined guys like that. Pick me up at the airport and drove me to the audition.

That's what a fucking manager did. Throw me. I go, I don't know. if I can make it, I'm getting, and he goes, I'll pick you up, I'll take you. And it happened to be the fucking coach that I got in fucking one-hour photo. The dude drove me to that audition. I wound up getting a role with Robin Williams. I work with him for two days, great little fucking thing, you know.

But, I mean, drove me to the audition. If not, I would have never made it. But that was a fucking manager. That guy, that's... He ruined this. Dude, he said to my son, I'm getting ready to sign my contract. He goes, we were negotiating percentages. And I said, listen, if I make over that, you'll get to 15.

Dude, a month later, I had a development deal for just north of that. I was going, that's cool. That's cool. All right. You made your point. He was that guy. He was a great fucking manager. You know, it's funny.

You try to, you know, you're right. He spoiled us. He spoiled us because now, like, my agency called three or four days and they're like, excuse me, we looked at your actor profile. There's a lot of information that wasn't. filled in on that and I said listen just pick up the phone I don't think they're going to keep me at this agency

because when I was the first day from surgery they sent me an email like if you owe your agent manager send them you owe your agent money send them money and I said back take your fucking magic elsewhere as soon as I get the check I mail it to you motherfuckers and it was a president of company

so my agent coined back and said you got to apologize I ain't gonna fucking apologize I'm sitting here mine in my own business and this bitch is accusing me owing money I pay my fucking debt. So rather that put me off and then the other day when Christine, whatever name is called, you need to fill out your actor profile. You know, Jeff Gellon got me out without a headshot. Yeah.

So when people come to me, when you look at a breakdown, a breakdown is what goes out three or four times a day and tells you what roles are available for people to audition. If you look at 10 breakdowns, 10 breakdowns will tell you in bold letters. No phone calls, please.

They've been on there for 30 years. Jeff Gatlin, never looked at that. He called you and he called you at your fucking house. How many times you get a call from Jeff at 11.30 1 in the morning? Yeah. He didn't fuck around, Doug. He would call fucking people at their houses.

I was telling them a story last week that I was in Jeff's office when they when he goes, hold on, I got to take this. And he took this call and he was calling the executive. That's what he used to call executive producers and tell him what was wrong with their show. And go, how are you doing? This is Jeff Gatlin from whatever management.

The reason why I'm calling you is your show is down 42%. You're not touching the demographic that you belong. I have two characters. Jimmy Schubert and Joey Diaz. They're doing a showcase at the improv on Thursday night. Grab this pen. Thursday night, 8.30, I want you to bring your two head riders down.

This is how he spoke to people. That's not that. You understand me, Lee? Do you understand what? This is why you would talk to people. Grab a pen. That's control. That's called control.

When somebody goes, grab a fucking pen. And I know, why am I grabbing a pen? Grab a pen. His name is Jimmy Schubert and Joey Diaz. They're going to be on the improv 845. What I'm going to do is I'm going to put your name on a letter. And he just sold you.

That was it. There was no, what are you doing Thursday night? There was no questions. Grab a pen. Grab a pen. This is what we're doing. You're going to go up 730. When you look at these two guys,

I think you could add him for a role as a garbage man on one of your shows there. He did that for me for not Darmine Gray. For one of those shows, he called. And he was like, this is what you do, and the people showed up. They didn't like me. But that's how you get somebody on TV. He took that fucking black kid that moved out here that was half skinny.

He took that kid, put dreads on him, made him take steroids, put him in that fucking Hollywood gym, and the kid was on TV for seven years. He was on that dead zone. That black kid with the dreadlocks that was on Dead Zone. That was his creation. He was in Vegas, still getting the commission from that fucking kid. Remember the first time he put that kid up at the union.

He gave him a seven-minute set. That kid a developmental deal a month fucking later. Yeah. Like 300,000 fucking dollars. That's when Peter. Well, that was, like you said, man. I haven't had anybody like that since that moves like that. John Adams?

Black dude with Dreadlach. Yeah. Who's his manager now? Let's see. Oh, I don't have... No, I'm DBB. I don't have a prod on pro. So, yeah, I can't see what's the evening.

I just saw Gittland in Vegas. Did you? Yeah, I was up there doing Brad Garrett's joint, which is a great little club, and you showed up all chubby with the baby. No, no, he showed up with the wife and another couple. You know, he's married life. He's got a couple of kids.

He's happy, man. He's a great guy, man. But, boy, I tell you, you're right. I tell him that, too. I said, you ruined us. He ruined us. He used to get you into anything. Anything.

I read for Rona Crest for fucking Spider-Man 1. He had me in movies, and I would go, oh, my God, what's he thinking? He got me into fucking a Travoltaire, and Billy Garnell. Me and Billy almost got it. going in there on a Monday reading with Travolta and fucking DeVito

and shit like that. He was fucking nuts. This was Jeff Gettlin. But I wasn't ready for it. There was no way. He would get your auditions on Sundays, Saturdays, Tuesday nights. He got you in the fucking room

with none of this bullshit. When you come out here, they try to sell you bullshit. We have the Center for Actors Access and that's $52 a year. You know if you fucking put a new video on Actors' Access, they charge you 35 fucking bucks. Yeah.

Just out of the video? It's a scam. It's a hustle. If you go down to change your head shots for your commercials, they charge you $25 of headshots. $25 a headshot to fucking scan your headshot and put it into the fucking computer. And these agents will say,

well, we want eight different looks. Listen, tell your mother to look at my dick eight different days, all right? You're getting one headshot. Sell that motherfucker to the end. Gettlin didn't even have a headshot for like four months of me, and he was getting me fucking auditions with top fucking names, and you're worried about the profile getting filled down. Get on the fucking phone.

That's the problem with people is. They look at everything. Well, no, get on the fucking phone. Don't wait. What are you doing? You're a salesman. Get on the window. It's the karma.

Who gives a fuck about karma? Call those motherfuckers. They're about to buy a fucking car. Some Hindu right now is going to sell them a fucking car. I'm sorry. I get emotional about this. Jimmy Tushus. How good is that fucking brownie so far?

Jimmy Tushes. I hope you have nothing to do. do tomorrow. Actually, I know, bro. Because this gets deeper. About 11.30, tell them we. Oh, yeah. It takes it to a different fucking...

You'll think you'll be okay for like 30 minutes. Like, oh, this is as high as I'm going to get. I'm right there right now. In like 20 minutes. It just takes off again. Once you fuel it with sugar, I day to eat a cookie. I day to eat a cookie. Remember that when we were kids, I'd not this battery off my shoulder.

Science, cock suckers. The church of what's happening now. Wednesday audition sitting here with Jimmy Schubert and the Flying Jew Look at the picture of Charles Brunson Love that, what is that? Like I was telling you. Somebody did that for you? Yes, that's great. That's a beautiful fucking picture. We really think it's money. It's right on. Yeah, today after we spoke, I'm like fucking Philadelphia is just, I learned a lot down there. I went to see a lot of comedy shows.

That area was rocking when I was a kid. It really fucking rocked. I thought New York City rocked. It really rocked. And now it's different. It's still rocks, but it's got that... Yeah, it's kind of re-gentrified it a little bit on some places, you know, some areas are trying to, you know, but it's a great city, man, a lot of history.

It was great to grow up there, all that, you know, independent saw and all that shit, you saw that when you weren't just reading about it and all. And, but it also, Philadelphia had a... They had these little... It was like these real roll deckses of neighborhoods. This is Italian neighborhood. I mean, you know, the Polack neighborhood

down in Fishtown. I mean, there were little pockets in Kensington. My old man's, I just read this great book called Confessions of a Second Storyman. It was about the guys in Philadelphia. They grew up in Kensington and Allegheny. And they were a band of fucking second storymen that fucking robbed from fucking Houston to Long Island from Maine down. They worked in four-man crews. And these guys were out of Philly. They never got, nobody ever talked about these guys, but they were amazing. They didn't get caught. They didn't get caught. They operated from the fucking probably late 50s to like the

early 80s until fucking drugs came into the operation. They all started flipping on each other but it's a great vocal confessions of a second story man and talks that was like these guys were legendary in Philly but kind of like you know nobody else knew about them but operated I mean put the fucking merchandise on the bus

they'd all take separate fucking planes back and we'd arrive in Philly and would fend they were like Robin Hood you know around but yeah It's an interesting place to grow up. That's what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry, man.

That's fucking biscuits. Just kicked it, dude. I just, you know, I always did, whenever I go to Philly, I always get a different memory. Yeah. Like something pops up that was kind of scary. Never no beeps.

I never was, the scariest thing, like I said, was the FBI that day, and I had Coke on me. I had a little vial of Coke with the spoon on top. In those days, it was like 82. That's right.

That's right. It was, it's an interesting, South Jersey is, You know, Jersey's fucking, I can't believe that the Jersey Shore show. Look what it became. You know the havoc we were causing the Jersey Shore? 30 years ago, Wildwood Seasides. Shit.

I went to all that shit. Crazy. Like in the middle of the night, you're jumping your car and go down. That's what people are you doing. That's it. I'm cold up to the gills at three and a little. Just drive to win. Let's go by the fucking guy.

There's a guy on fucking Facebook that won't friend me. His name is George McGrath. With your kids, he used to smoke camel. Why wouldn't he friend you, man? I tortured him. He was a teacher. And one night we robbed the gas station, and I owed him money. And he goes, you got my money.

I called him up. I got an eight ball. He goes, you owe me money. I go, I got cash. You got my other money. I got it. I gave him a bag. This big of money, it was 300 singles,

but it looked like $10,000. You always he were 300 singles. And he called me like an hour later. That was fucking 300 singles, you son of a bitch. But I remember that time, we took like an eight ball to Seaside Heights. And we just went in the whole Tarun. We would do the fucking 8-ball in two days. You know, it's amazing how you, even with weed, whatever, the edibles, you get the tolerance.

Like, when I was in high school, I could do an 8-ball with three guys that would last a whole night, you know, like, until 2 in the afternoon. I get an 8-ball when I quit. I was doing an 8-ball by myself every fucking night. You figure, I was probably doing a gram less than an 8-ball when I quit doing it blow a night. Are you see it like right before you quit? I was probably doing a fucking, I was doing two grams for sure. How many grams in the April? Three and a half.

What the fuck? You don't know this shit? No, we didn't learn the, like you said, we didn't learn the metric system in school. It's what really baffles me when you read that book, the Kenneson book, and they talked about the parties. There were times I had to put the fucking book there. Because I know what it's like. I know what it's like for it to be nine the morning.

The sun's coming through. Yeah. You're drinking vodka. You're doing blow. and you're not even getting on. There's a chick there that will suck your dick because she's just as numb as you are. She'll do whatever you want to.

You don't even want that. And the Coke bea's on his way with another package. And you know you've got another show tonight. But it's just brutal. Oh, my God. I think about that. And I guess, I just, like, oh, God. So, you know, I'm glad, you know,

hey, I'll grew that real quick. You know what I mean? It wasn't, you know, I mean, obviously, the word was fucking part. McKinison was just four days in a row. You're in Vegas. You're up there doing the dunes. Just four days.

You're rocking. You know, you're at the fucking Olympia Garden until fucking, you know, 12 o'clock. And, you know, you get up, you go back to the room. You don't sleep. You do a couple more lines. You're doing shows that night. I mean, it was fucking, dude, I'm glad I survived it. It was fucking madness, dude.

I think about it now, and I go, that was just fucking insanity. You know, I, it's funny. Because, you know, I used to have a lot of parties at the fucking comedy. I mean, I'm not throwing. I mean, obviously, I've done it. I'm not throwing any fucking, you know, it's, but I participated in. So, but it was, it was, it was, I think it back down, I go, holy smoke, just fucking blows my mind.

Oh, my God, I think sometimes, some nights, some nights I was zero in that particular night. I remember how much cocaine was there and how we did it or how I did it. And I, you know, I remember, I got out of fucking. prison. When I first got out of prison, there was a three-day gap before I could get back to a halfway house. And my buddy sold Coke. I used to drive a cab, so I wait until he drove the cab at night, and I run to his fucking house and take like a Coke rock. Like a little rock, just for a taste. In those days, I could do three lines and go to bed, jerk off and go to bed. But this one

that I went over there, and only yeah, it was big rock, so I took this fucking boulder. And I, I was in prison the whole time that had been clean. It was probably, I don't know, 13 months I'd been clean or something. So I hadn't done it a while, and I fucking, and I had a sleep in a trailer. It was a horse trailer and whatever, but it was redone. She had a bathroom, a shower, TV. And I went over there at night, and I took that Coke rock out, and I had like two bottles of beer. Oh, my God.

That was the worst night ever. I got so high that the Coke made me start hallucinating. Once it's speedy, you start hallucinating. And I remember looking out the window, I was crawling on the floor, looking out the fucking window, and seeing guys in white snow suits on ropes coming down off the trees. Oh, my fucking God. When the bindle blew up, because sometimes you have like a bendle,

and you open it up, and also when the coat goes, and it pops up all over the fucking room. Now there's rocks all over the floor. Oh, my God. And I crawled on that floor for hours, and I kept finding one little rock, one little rock. Just thinking about it. And in the middle of all this, you've got to pee in your paranoids

And I have to crawl to the pee. Take your little dick out and hide while you're fucking peeing. And you're sweating and your jaws pinned to one fucking side. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. If you're doing that blow shit still, get off it right now because I just got fucking hallucinating.

Thinking about that shit. Let's give a shout out to some fucking people here real quick. What's happening, Lee? How are you feeling? I'm pretty high. You look good, Lee. Thank you. What are you on the books for the Marocococ?

I got Steve Simone at 9 a.m. And then... 9 a.m. Yeah, he's going on... He's traveling, so we got to do it early. San Diego. No, I think he's going to Chicago with Steve Byrne. Chicago.

Look at fucking Steve Simone in Chicago with Steve Byrne. Give a shout out to my man, Aunt Ellie. My black motherfucker wait for dusk. Stephen Ketonic. Uki Spooky. I haven't seen you much lately. Where the fuck is Uki Spooky? She was there a couple days ago.

Lady J. Alberto Jimenez, Luke Cantalon, and Tommy G. I love you, Cuck Suck. What's up, Lee? Why are you sitting there with the long fucking muff? What do you got playing for the weekend with the wife? I know what?

Crap class. No, her mom's going to see Pitbull because her mom thinks Pipball's cute. So what night is this? Friday. We're going to dinner. You're taking the whole family at dinner. No, I mean, yeah, we're going for her mom's birthday.

You got a little Pipel? They got you a ticket, too. No, they didn't. Don't lie to me, Coxson. They didn't, I don't know Pipeline. It's, it's microphone in her mom. Who gives a fuck? I know you're going to be there.

Stop being a half a faguer. I'm not going to take you. You're going to sit there, fucking wiggle on these shit. How would you wiggle the pit bull music? I don't even know. You don't even know? Put pit bull.

Find some bad fucking music. That is the worst fucking music I've ever heard. Her mom thinks, her mom likes him. I don't know how the fucking Budweiser gave that fucking guy money. That is a fucking shame.

I don't care if he's Cuban or not. I heard he's a nice guy. I'm not here to insult him, but that music is so fucking bad. I can't do it. Come on, Lee. Oh, I didn't think you actually want me to play that. Yeah, we want to hear something by this.

fucking guy. That's like these DJs. I just read these DJs that go around 20 grand the weekend. Yeah. What's his name?

What's the guy? You got what I need. That guy gets a check for like 15. Three or four songs. He sings this song and he leaves, bro. Yeah.

Go. He's right here. Hold on the ads. Just anything. Hold on. Biz Marquis. Oh, yeah. Those Japanese guys in

Vegas, those Chinese guys that the kids come to. Are you kidding me, You don't get money But I do I do You don't get them girls Loose

Loose Is he saying Yeah Don't hate the player Hate the game They're having a good time He's selling it Bro

He's fucking selling it You have to This guy's He joined him bro He sold this like a bit I mean he got paid but this just just goes to show you where we stand Ebola is fucking definitely in our future and whoever bought this song for budwise is the first person who should get it

that dumb motherfucker you know what's up lee where you're scratching your face for wait oh i gotta keep asking me what's up no i don't know i'm fucked up you're gonna look up nice of your green shirt let me see show me jimmy shoobert the crab why do you always want to crab because you got tremendous trapezoids showing the crab show me that you're a fuck i'm not it's a half a dude you lost you lost 52 pounds um 55 right now. Good for you, man. I'm trying.

That's pretty impressive. He's a savage. He's going to drop, he's only going to go down to about one fucking 10 by the time we get through with him. Always going to be his fucking head. Always going to be as a head in a yarmulka by the time I get rid of him. He's going to start wearing a yarmulcast soon too.

We're going back to the old school here. What was the last time you had a yarmac on league? My bar mitzvah? I don't know. Yeah, probably around then. Fuck. Got a second. What's up?

Look at another guy who was. gone through. So what did you think about the last comic standing? How did you get involved with that? How did you get involved with the whole thing? You know, dude, I just, I showed up and auditioned. And I didn't say we like that. No, I actually heard that I heard the one of the Sikes was taking over and I said

oh, that's interesting. And I said, you know, they were bringing it back and it was like I had like a three audition day. I had to go do a radio interview, I audition for something. And then I ran over there and just part of the package. And they passed me and then they just did this fucking hundred round an invitational and they went up

and put together a fucking set and went out there and knocked it out of the park and they just kept going they invited me and got into the top ten and then I wanted to get out of there before it became real Hal's Wives' last comic standing. It becomes a reality show. It's like, I'm going to fucking hang on a reality show

a really reality guy, you know. But it was great. It was a great experience and, you know, I'm glad they brought it back because I think it's great for comedy and I thought they picked great guys. I think Rodman and Rocky and Locke and some of these guys know they're doing it 20 years, 26 years, D.C. Benny. How did Rocky end up doing?

Rocky finished top five. Did he really? Yeah, they're out on tour now. Those guys are out on tour right now with the last comic. And D.C. Benny? D.C. Benny finished 8th. Wow. Yeah, and it was just, and then Joe Mackey and Monroe Martin and Carlos Miller.

I mean, they had some good comics. They were all really good comics. And Rodman won it. I didn't seen Rodman in years. Yeah, I know. but he's been doing it for a long time, man. People don't realize. I mean, he's a fucking pro.

That guy's a fucking, you know, I mean, I'm, I was impressed this guy. You know, you don't realize how tough it is to be funny on television every week because you've got to work in the sensors, everything's, every fucking word. Before you even do it, that has to be submitted, you know? That's a little like, I mean, every week,

you get to come up with something. You know, they send it over, they send it back, you send it back, you send it back, then you try to get it worked out, you know. It was kind of cool. It was cool. It's an experience, man. Yeah, yeah, it was a great experience.

It really was. I mean, I'm enjoying the exposure out of it. You know, kind of, I mean, I've been working my balls. I was just like you, man. It's fucking last, I mean, this is like the first week off. I had in almost four months, which is great. Believe me, I'd rather have that than, you know, last summer was a little rough, you know?

But you did David Tells Underground, and they just kind of reinvented the stand-up career, and it's great. They're doing that again, huh? Yeah, they are. They're doing the second season, that really? Yeah. That's fucking amazing. They're not at the store.

Oh, okay. I think so. What's that? They're taping that at the store. Oh, are they really? That's what I heard. Yeah. I saw it online or something like that.

And that's the other thing that the store's pulling in this other thing now. The HBO special looked great. Did you see it? Yeah, I didn't see it. I taped it. I watched the first time. It looks great. Yeah.

Spike Lee, man. That's, I mean, he's not going to put out. It looks really great. And it's really nice. You know, for a long time, she only didn't let people do subjective things in that. Yeah. Now this new team is, every night I come home, and I tell my wife how impressed I am at the comedy store.

It's not a place for old guys at all. It's not a place for me to hang out. It's a young place. But we go in there, we rock and we leave. Yeah, you hit me run, right? You hit your fucking run, you go on. But it's, I've improved in the two months I've been there. Yeah.

Like, I've improved. I don't know. Well, you go there to work, man. I mean, I mean, it's, you know, I got to always, fine, man. I love going there. Everybody's bringing the Raygame at the store. Everybody's up in it. You've got to go in there and hit it and fucking, you know.

Abandon ship. Yeah, well, you know, like the old days, it ain't the old days, you know. It didn't, you know, hit it quit. I would go up there. I remember the nights I would go up there with no money. A dollar. A dollar. And I'd snort Coke all night, drink all night, and leave with a Coke rock.

And $6 for breakfast. I remember walking on sunset and see. and Bob Baker's ex-wife the first one he fucking that went home and the doors were locked and the feds took a furniture and shit and she gave me

her right home one morning and gave me breakfast I mean I got into some fucking wild parties here I think the wildest it got was when that dude sold the club in Florida and came out here for like three months and he was going on you

Oh John Biddle! Where is John Bindle? Where is John Bindle? Holy fuck, bro. Lee, what's the matter? You're like, you're going to cry. No, I'm fine. I'm just listening.

Like they closed subways. Yeah, that would be very sad. Why not? John Bindle. He contacted me. He opened up a club in Milwaukee. He was up there snorticoat with Dama. Then he had a club down in fucking South Carolina.

I mean, the guy would, everywhere he went, he would, like, open up a club for me three months, and then move on. You, Lebo, Mitchell, Ward. He had like eight people. Yeah. Then they saw it to register overnight. That it was all over to John.

Fucking, he came out. out here with cash. Dude, I don't know what he did, yeah. He sold a comedy club and came out here with a suit. Listen, Lee, he came out here with a suitcase full of cash like in July and checked

into that sleazy hotel across from Rouse. Hollywood Rouse? Hollywood Rouse. He had that tropical they just read it. I remember being in there and snorting Coke with him and stealing one of his eight balls and like ten of them on the counters.

He had that black chick. He had that black chick that had to hear from Holstman's building in there one night. She had like open sores on her feet and shit and he's in there snort and coke dancing with it. I'm like, listen, keep dancing. I'm gonna steal one of the eight balls. I'm out of it.

I ain't even touching the same fucking... He came out and that guy had a like a spy. I was like, I... You think I'm kidding you. I never saw something like that in years. He went through like 50,000 and two months at the comedy store, doing blood. Lost his mind. Every night.

Some night he would check into the... Hilton Hyatt, some nights, and the Stee's, Liseo, that was 98. That was 98. 90, yeah, summer of 90. I had already seen that with some for certain people, like, you know,

fucking the past, that's it. This, listen, bro, this place attracts some weird motherfuckers. Yeah, it does. This, look at the movie Ari was in. Ari was in a movie a year and a half ago, that the kid came out here with like $8 million. The, uh, the guy,

the who punched a hooker, right, or bit her tongue off? All that shit. Chop whatever guy? Oh, that dude, the Slapchop guy? Slapchop guy. That shit. It wasn't his movie, but they put him in the movie.

But there was somebody that came out of you, like $4 million and started paying him like, you know, what does Jimmy Schubert want? He wants $2,000 a day. Give him four. Put him on for 30 days, and he ran out of money. But they had Lindsey Lohan, they had the black guy from the movie with Tom Hanks that died. God bless his soul. I mean, this is a young kid that came up with. American Express card, bro.

Wow. And put a movie together. And then after he had, I think, Lindsay Lohan told him I want like 30 a day. I want an eight ball an hour. And I think she cleaned them out. So then he had to sell it to somebody else. Somebody else came in.

His father sent him another $4 million. That's how they got it released. They got that fucking movie released. What was the name of that disaster? They got yanked on Saturday. They released that on a Friday. They got yanked on a Saturday. The inappropriate movie or whatever?

Yes. Yeah. With Lindsay Lohan, the black guy with Tom Hanks from the prison movie, Ari was in, Ari got him for a fucking small fortune. Really? For like three days of work because he told him that he had, whatever the fuck he had done. That was his character.

Amazing racist, yeah. It was the amazing racist, so they gave him like a loot. They gave him a huge check. That's great. And then they called him and said, I want you to come back and do work. And he goes, I need another. And they said, no, we paid you two months the last time. I said, fuck it. You paid me already. They had check as cash.

Either you pay me that again, or I won't do it. They pay them again the same amount to do, like, voice work and shit like that, so Ari banged them out. That's what Jews do. These kids that come out confused, you take that credit card, you wipe your ass with it. You send 10 Gs to Israel, let them buy first aid kids for Yom Kippur and give them out. And that's it. That's what you do. First aid. I was over there, man. I went over to Israel.

I know. Did you do the club and tell it in? Yeah. Tell me? How was the club in television? It was great, man. And television is the coolest fucking audience of the fucking trip. I mean, you're doing, like, the very, like, you know, you're doing a lot of these synagogues and they're mostly traditional people. You got to do 20 minutes clean. But I just wanted to go to the trip, man. I had never been to fucking Israel, bro. I mean, I went to, you know, you go there. You know, you go there and you, you know, you go to go to Jerusalem. I wanted to go see the city. You know, you see the stations of the cross. I'm, I was raised Catholic. I mean, I, that means something to me, you know, so you go in there and you, it was fucking moving. It was powerful. And that's why. It was. went there, but I also had a fucking great time doing this. I mean, they treat your first class. Avi Lieberman books it, and he does it like twice a year.

It was, I mean, I went with Butch Bradley and I've never been to that church. That church is supposed to be beautiful. No, it's amazing, man. It's kind of life-altering. When you go downstairs and you write a note in the wall? No, that's the Western Wall. That's the Western Wall.

Yeah, yeah, they put the, what do they call them, Fitzgis? It's a bunch of Jew IOU. That's a bunch of Jews and I-O-U. They get you for money there. I got taken for money there. I went when I was in high school, and they walked over asking for donations, and I made the mistake of opening my wall looking for it,

and the guy just looked in, oh, that's perfect. And my chaperon had to go over and be like, give them the money back. Because you took like $20. Yeah, they don't fuck around, though. They got sticky fingers. Those Jews got blow on their fingers.

That 20 sticks, Jack. Put blowing your fingers. Everything sticks to them. Blowing your fucking. Lee, it's Wednesday night. It's the end. the Yomka bus. I've never invited back to Israel. You got another fucking year to Atoneman

and you forgive people and everything like that. You know what I'm saying? Jimmy Schubert's a fucking trip to see you at the store. I didn't watch none of the last comic stuff I heard stuff, but I watched the underground with Italian you fucking destroyed it. And the rumor was

even before the show came out that you had destroyed it all over New York. When Ralphie Mae spreads a rumor like that, it's fucking real. He was telling everybody, the guy who destroyed it was Jimmy Schubert and watched Jimmy Schubert's episode. So the word got out Look, you know, the good thing about

The comedy game, this game that we do, you could be down for a while. Yeah. But it all changes overnight. You just keep writing jokes and shut your fucking mouth. That's all you've got to do. And keep getting on fucking states. That's it.

There's no fucking book to this. There's nothing. You get up, you fucking have the best intentions for yourself. You take care of yourself. You keep yourself healthy. You write some jokes. You go up there, you try it. You go on the road when you can.

And you just keep fucking working, you believe in yourself. Every once in a while you bump into a bad movie, a good movie. People contact you. You go out for an audition, but we're still in the game. How many people you see come and go? That had more things going on than you ever dreamed of fucking happen. Yeah, man. Sometimes you walk through and you see those old headshots.

And it's just, you know, it's kind of like ghost of Christmas future if you don't stay relevant. I mean, the thing that, you know, Joan Rivers is, I mean, that piece of work, a documentary could be one of the best documentary. we've ever seen about being a standard committee. And I mean, this chick was relevant until she was fucking 80. She did 50 years. I mean, fucking Donham Rickles are still doing it. If you're relevant and you're writing, you know. This is it.

This is it. It's that easy. There's no fucking shortcut. There's no whatever. You know what? Who would a dream? Did you have a dream that you'd be in LA for 30 years? Doing them, we were Robin Williams and Brad Pitt.

You did Go? You did the Kevin Jant? Did Mike and Molly put you on you? I've been on yet. What the fuck is he went? Four fucking years. I went down there too one day to read. They fucking told me no.

I'm like, dog, come here. I know the guy. What's the problem? Don't make me call him. No, I use a fly. No, I didn't say that. I went there for the pilot. I went there for the pilot for when I fucked up to read.

Yeah, I blew my read too. I got in, I got in front of producers, and it just kind of fucking, you know, when it was off days, you know what I mean? He just flew in. I right here because. Yeah. That's amazing, man.

And that I'm baffled. I wake up some mornings, and I can't believe I'm in L.A. And I got to tell you something, sometimes when I drive around Walsh and I see those palm trees. Yeah. I hear the talking dead,

the talking heads. You know, how did I get here? Yeah. How did I get here? I was just doing time. I was just sleeping in a park. You know, I was just sleeping in a car.

When I was sleeping in a car on sunset, I thought I had a year left here. Yeah. I was like, I'm preparing. What's my next move? I'm going to go back to the electric. nutrition's union. So it's mind-boggling.

If you believe in yourself, but it's only like the toughest fucking thing you'll ever do. I mean, you got to fucking hang in there and fucking, you know, but I mean, if you have to, you know, if you're working, wow. My mouth just dried up all you. Okay, you had the water again?

This is tremendous. I don't fuck around. The edibles I use, a time tested on a Godzilla like myself. If they fucking kill me, they'll destroy you. That's the way you have to at things when you deal with Uncle Joey. But man, I got to tell you, Shubbs, I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you too.

I love you. You know, we're still here, man. Yeah, man. People have fucking come and gone, and they had more going on, and they had deals, and CIA, and they just disaffucking peered. And this couldn't crack me. This couldn't crack me, man. I got off the drugs here.

I ended up having a child here. I got a second chance to be a man. Second chances are, it's fucking, it's what's, you know, they're there if you want them, you know, you're just going to work towards them. Like you said, you know, we both, I cleaned up my act, I got my head together and fucking had this opportunity with fucking last comic. It was like, you know, it was something that I was ready to have happen, you know. Maybe in the past I wouldn't have been, but now you can handle it, you know.

Joey has a lot of, not sayings, but things that you repeat, like just like you're trying to teach me things. And a lot of what he talks about, like, probably at least once a week, is he says these old comics, they don't know what, they're stuck in the past, they don't want to put in the work. And it's pretty great that, I mean, you would think maybe you wouldn't want to go on a show because you're like, oh, I'm above that,

but it, like, totally restarted your career. Like, it's pretty awesome. Like, you're willing to go, like, you don't think, oh, I'm above last comic standing or that you know who I am. Well, dude, it was actually fucking got my head in the game again. It got me fucking writing again. It got me thinking about my sets again.

It got me doing fucking, like, putting shit together because you're putting it on national television. You want to put your fucking brand out there. You know, you're going to get these opportunities. And it was, it was about probably more than anything. I mean, people show up to see you live on purpose now. That was fucking, you know, we just saw who retired last week. Who retired from baseball?

Derek, Derek Jr. You look at his career. Did he ever have a bad season? Do you ever have a season where he just drifted along that didn't win the pennant or whatever? You know, it's the same with comedy. You're going to have a few bad months. you don't even know for a long time I was in booking auditions but you know what you keep getting on that fucking stage

it's weird out and I know Schubert gets these calls when people don't want to do the work we have friends that will call you ask you where you're at and you're embarrassed to tell them because they're at home for fucking six weeks then they make like a statement like they make like an offhand remark about what you're doing or something

and you know I get up every morning a fucking six. I tweet. I write jokes for an hour. You got to do that. I was tired today at 3 o'clock. I go, you know what? They ain't nothing going on. I went over. We got a coffee. I sat there for two hours. How much did I write? Did I write my masterpiece? Not really. But I wrote a fucking slogan.

I put an entry in a book and it's your head, you know? It's your fucking head, man. And I see people in this town that just drift around. They do enough work and then they move. They do enough work. And it's work. This is fucking work. Man, this is... What day's off?

What fucking days off? What fucking vacation? What, what are you fucking talking about? Your sister's wedding? What wedding are you talking about? I love comics that call you up. I got no work. Where are you this weekend?

My sister's getting married. I'm a comedian. What wedding? You send me a fucking invite. You get a 50 and a thank you and good luck. You want to your fucking wedding? I don't give a fucking wedding. I don't give a fuck. I'm doing comedy.

I work weekends. What fucking wedding? You're at your wedding? Have it on Wednesday? What the fuck on Saturday? I don't do nothing on Saturday. I don't give a fuck who died. I ain't going on Saturday.

I'm fucking on a stage. Let me give some fuck. Let me mention these cocks suckers. You know, I don't have work. Well, I'm going on a cruise with my girlfriend. Then fucking die on that fucking cruise. You're a fucking comic. You don't go on cruises, cunt.

You work on the fucking weekend. You got to tell this shit. You got to tell people right off the fucking bat. But, you know, she likes... I don't give a fuck with you. Oh, fuck what she likes. Let's start these motherfuckers right, all right? Everybody wants to fucking go to heaven

when nobody wants to die. That's what Annet's here. Honet don't fuck around. They're the best optimal optimization that you could take. I'm just going to say words of you. You do what the fuck you want to do with these words. You understand me? But you know what the fuck I'm talking about.

If I yell at you in Spanish, you don't know what I'm saying, but you know what I'm talking about. It's two different fucking things. Go to Honet that right now. You're having problems, you have a retardant, you can't remember shit, Alpha Brain is the product for you. You're walking with a limp, you have a little bump on your knee, try some fucking strong bow, stretch that motherfucker out.

Get on the bicycle once in a while. It's not going to straighten out because you stand at the fucking bar drinking. You get my point. Take care of yourself, cock suckers. Be a better friend to yourself. It all starts right here with this podcast, and it starts with Onit. Go to Onit.com. I can't cover you on the kettlebells and the other stuff to lift and throw and shit,

but on minerals and vitamins, enzymes, I got you. I got you for 10% off. Go to Onet right now or go to Joey Diaz.net. Go to the Onet box and press. Church. Oh shit. C-H-U-R-C-H. Get 10% off.

If you're fucking smart like me, you get to stay on it program. They mail it right to your house like Dollar Shave Club, Nature's Box, all the top companies do. And you're an additional 10%. Go to Onet right now. Stop fucking around. Stop being a MOOC all your life. What are you pressing the box?

Church. go. Church, C-H, you are C-H. You're sitting there still like a fucking idiot right now. You're going, boy, I wish I had a healthy snack. All I got is Doritos and I got the half burrito from 7-11. You don't need this aggravation. Listen, I got two words for you, fucking

morons. Free snacks. Go to Nature's Box, right? What did you say? Yeah, free fucking snacks, Cogsucker. Drop the candy, boy, you fat fuck. Drop the potato chips. They're not good for you. You want delicious, wholesome fucking snacks. Nutritionalist approved. Go to Nature's Box.

right now. No sugar adding. They got shit with gluten, without gluten. What I'm trying to tell you is they don't fuck around it, right? You don't have to suffer no more. And this is how good these fucking products are off the Nature Box. You go to Nature Box right now, go to Joy Diaz. NotNay. Go to the Nature Box. Press in. Joey.

And they'll sing you what, Lee. A free box. Three small ones and one big bag. It was awesome. I eat them with a fucking first night. You got to pray they're singing the Cocoa Noms, the Sirachi fucking cashews. They have these corn kernels that are called. great, Sunflower seeds.

Serracha almonds, right? Or pistachios? Pistachios. What's the other ones? They had, too, the lima beans, the salt and pepper fucking wine. Oh, I didn't get those.

Oh, shit, Jimmy Tushus. Jimmy Tushus, what are you walking home tonight? Go to Nature Box right now. Pressing. Joey. In the box and get a free Nature's Box,

but in the Nature's Box box, but in the Nature's Box. Press what? Joey. Just go to Naturebox.com slash Joey or to Joey Diaz. And they have a banner. And you don't have to press anything in.

And you don't got to press dick. Okay? And it's cool because you get to say, do you like crunchy snacks? Do you like sweet? Do you like chewy? And they send you stuff they think you like, and they're all delicious. All right. Do what we do here.

You want to snacks smarter. You want to be healthy. You want to get good fucking snacks. Stay away from the potato chips. All right. Go to naturesbox.com. Slash joey, cut this shit, cock suckers. Listen, I'm going to tell you something.

I'm very impressed. I'm very impressed with all this shit we fucking push here. I like it. You get a good deal. Meandis is taking me over the top Listen, you motherfuckers Go to your underwear fucking draw Right now, stop

Go pick up the top one I guarantee you got skid marks You got some dead cum in there For some period Some period blood Whatever fuck you got there How much long are you gonna have that period blood You got bites from crabs

You're a disgusting motherfucker How do I know? Because I'm a disgusting motherfucker too Look at those underwears How do you expect the sling dick When you got skid marks You got yellow swings around your fucking dick Get it together

Go to Meyondies.com. Not only do they make tremendous fucking underwears that feel great. They have a special fucking cotton that pulls the fucking moisture away from you. Like I told you last week, 12 hour guarantee

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Tremendous. Forget these $30 rash cards. Go to Mey on these right now. All right? Why walk around with these ratty? fucking underwear. Why you be a disgusting pig? Go to me on these.com and check out the pics of all of different styles of underwear

they got. They got shit for girls, too. They got little thumbs. It presses that fucking clip. Once you take that fucking thong off, that clip looks like a fucking like a, like a like a, like a jujitsu ear. Like a jih Tijuana ear. Looks like Mickey's ear.

Looks like Mickey's ear. You bite that fucking clip. Anyway, don't get me started. Go to me on these.com right now for high quality materials and high quality underwear. That's right. You asked about the price. I'm glad you asked. A fraction of what you're paying for your fucking disgusting underwear right now.

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and I tell you what else you're going to get. Free shipping. Who takes care of you like me? I give you two weeks for fucking... Free on Hulu. Hulu Plus. I give you a deal on Dollar Shave Club. I take care.

care you with honor. Nobody takes care you, motherfuckers. And snacks. I hope you remember me and your will, cocks sucker. Who doesn't want clean underwear and snacks? So you're sitting there right now, you're thinking about you don't want to smoke dope no more. I don't blame you. Go to nildelitallife.com. Go to nil life.com. Get a fucking vapor pen. I'll take it to a different planet. You understand me? They got all different times. The best vapor pen on the market is that my brother's

Dave and fucking pete up there to a nail that life.com. Go on there right now. They got t-shirts. They got a bunch of shit. But they got a tremendous vapor pen. I guarantee it. Plus, if you go there right, now, will they press in the box? Joey Diaz. And you get 20% off, so it's 50, you get fucking 40. Guaranteed.

You call Dave a week from now and say the bad, boom, the next day you got the you got the UPS man knocking on your door with your fucking pen. Who's better... Who's better than us? That's it. It's Wednesday. You're going to listen to this on Wednesday. Let me tell you something.

Next week we're going early again. We're going to cut the shit out of the night for a few days. We're going to take you back to the psychological abuse that's called the morning church or what's happening now. Lysayat's going to be eating edibles next Monday morning. It's over. How's that different from right now? Because you're going to be high off fucking day.

I'm letting you lose this. You better be waking up at 4 going to the gym and then coming over here. You've got to go to the gym nice and fucking stone when you wake up later. No. We're going deep on Monday morning. But listen, this is how it works.

Jimmy, where you're at? Where are your dates? I'm at the comedy store this weekend, Friday, Saturday in the main room. And then I'm going to be in Phoenix at Brooke Bronson's House of Comedy. Open it already? Yeah, it's open now, so it's running. Oh, shit.

Rick Watson's a good guy. He's a great guy. I love him with that. I can't work that because I'm a Tempe guy. Right. I'm in the Tempe since Danny Murray in the wig and... Oh, yeah.

Before Danny Murray snapped this shit. Yeah. And you have a podcast, right? Yeah, I do. Jimmy Schumer, the Jimmy Schumer show. When do you do it? I'm doing them on Thursday. I'm doing, I got a couple episodes.

I talked to the other comics. I've had a couple... I had this manager on that grew up, and I watched that showed How to Kill an Irishman. and I had my Billy Cardell's manager, Krista Petter, who runs a fucking one on the punchline, grew up in that era.

So I was fucking, I had him on telling fucking, you know, Danny Green stories, which is great. My old man calls in and it gives me the fucking, a couple of the early episodes, my old man calls in, and tells him about what's going on to the crime seat in Philly.

Like, he just calls in just to tell me. He's never off the case. You know, he's like an old fucking gum shoe, but it's, and my brother's call in, bust ball,

so it's kind of cool and have guests on, so it's cool a podcast. Yeah, to fucking tell people what's going on. I'm happy by your success. I'm happy you're still in the fucking game. I'm happy you're close by, cuck-sucker. How about you? What do you got going on this weekend?

This weekend, not much, but we got the laugh factory on Wednesday. Yeah, that's right. Tomorrow night? The laugh factory. Oh, tomorrow, fuck. Eight o'clock. I'm so high. I thought it was next week. No, we're doing the podcast tomorrow night. Tomorrow night?

We also got the Denver Improv this Thursday through fucking Sunday. Go to Denver Improv.com. Thursday night is Cheap at You Night. They're showing up and giving out free edibles. The next week I'm at the Joke Factory in Baltimore jumping up and down with the brothers. That's how we fucking do it, Lisa. I love you, cocksucker. See you next week.

Stay black, be safe. Thank you, Jimmy Schumer. Thank you, Joe. Who loves you more than me? Love you, brother. All right, man. Let's get this party started. Now that the show's over, don't forget to go to naturebox.com and sign up to get your free sampler box of great tasting, healthy snacks.

It's totally free. Free shipping. They'll send it right to your door. Forget the vendor. machine and start snacking smarter with delicious treats like barbecue kettle kernels. Go to naturebox.com slash joey. That's naturebox.com slash joey. Or if you go to joey-diaz.net, there's also a naturebox painter.

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Fuck it up, Lee. Oh shit. Oh, shit.