The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #220 | UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT with JOEY DIAZ

Episode Date: December 12, 2022

Welcome to UNCLE JOEY'S JOINT.....   It's Monday, December 12th…   This podcast is ALWAYS presented by ONNIT! https://www.onnit.com   Go to https://www.onnit.com & Enter PROMO CODE: JOEY, JOINT or CHURCH   This episode is also brought to you by BlueChew & Manscaped…   BLUECHEW Visit https://bluechew.com and use code JOEY to try it free! Just pay $5 shipping   MANSCAPED Visit http://www.manscaped.com and use code JOEY for 20% off + free shipping on your first order.   Follow Uncle Joey on Social Media:   https://www.Twitter.com/madflavor https://www.Instagram.com/madflavors_world   And don't forget.....   The Mind Of Joey Diaz on PATREON:   https://www.patreon.com/joeydiaz   #JoeyDiaz #Madflavor #UncleJoeysJoint #TheJoint #displate #manscaped #bluechew #CBDLion #HeartAndSoil #DraftKings #BetterHelp #stamps    The JOINT is Produced by: Michael Klein aka @onebyonepodcast on Social Media:   https://www.Instagram.com/onebyonepodcast https://www.twitter.com/onebyonepodcast   Huge Thanks to BEN TELFORD for the Tremendous intro video.....   https://spoti.fi/unclejoeysjoint

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What up, you bad motherfuckers? Monday the 12th of motherfucking December. What do you got, 12? Shoplifting days left to fucking Christmas. You better get to it, chop, chop. There ain't a lot of shit left on the fucking shells either. It was a great weekend.

I'm looking forward to another fucking great week, especially here on the joint. Before we get started, I got to tell you about a little fucking story that happened this weekend. Saturday, my daughter had a game, whatever the fuck. and I get there

and the dads are there and the moms are there and we're all talking and as I'm walking out one of the dad says to me hey Joey I got something for you he goes I picked this up in the city the other day

take a bite and I look at it it's mushroom chocolate 100 milligrams of THC with mushrooms in it right? He goes thank you for the gummies he goes

I want to pay you back whatever okay so he goes how many do you want I go just give me like what's it say he goes one is The same thing as the Sillies mushrooms, except this is chocolates.

It's like the back, the box set, like, one for clarity, like three to four if you want some movement and, like, eat the whole bar if you just want to fucking. So he goes, do you want a piece? I go, give me half the fucking bar. You know, it's $100 million. Give me half the fucking bar. So I do that. I come home and I eat some other edibles that I got from not the true dose, not ones, but. the heavy duty ones from,

uh, whatever the fuck, stoner club, right? And it's like the cherry ones fucking stronger than shit. The whole bag is 500 milligrams. I just hate the whole thing. It's Saturday night.

The UFC's on. I got shit going on at 6 o'clock. I forget all about the mushrooms, the whole fucking thing. I run some errands. I run over to my buddy's house. We eat some dinner. I come back home,

my wife, my daughter home. It's got to be 9.30, you know. I'm high. Like, I could feel the fucking, the THC. The mushrooms hadn't kicked in yet. I didn't know if they're kicked in. With all this shit I took last night, I didn't know if they were going to kick in.

So my wife and I are watching something on TV. And also she says, I'm starting to get tired. I'm not going to finish this with you, whatever this. We'll watch it again tomorrow. Whatever. Like, okay. So I'm thinking, you know, it's 10 o'clock. I'm going to probably go upstairs.

I'm pretty fucking high. But all of some, my daughter, runs down. And she's like, Dad, can we put on the Adams family? And I'm like, sure. Why not? I'm not doing anything. You know, we usually watch the honeymoon at midnight, so I thought she was going to... I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking.

But all of a sudden, she's watching the fucking Adams family. And at this time, like now, my eyes are starting to get like fucking, you know, like I'm going like this. I'm not seeing streaks. It's like, I don't know. I don't know how to describe it. Maybe triple vision, double vision. I don't fucking know. So I'm like, I got to like squint and shit to watch the TV.

And I feel the mushroom's starting to hit me now. Like I'm giggling at the Adams family, right? I'm giggling. It's the whole show. And my daughter's, it's the movie, right? With the Puerto Rican dude as whatever. And Angelica Houston as the fucking mom, whatever the fuck. So there's a scene, man.

I'm just sitting there. I'm getting my, and I could see that, Mursky's kind of looking at me like that. You're giggling a little too much tonight. You know, what's going on with? you something's not right and I fucking uh there's a scene where lurch gets out of the car i don't know who's playing lurch guys but christina ritchie's whatever wednesday and the other fucking pugsley and the lurch gets out of the car and the little girl goes drink this lurch or some shit now the mushrooms are starting to hit me i'm getting into the movie right

and next thing you know she gives the drink to lurch the lurch is like okay and he fucking drinks it and it's like some pepper it's got some fire and shit and all of a sudden. Lurich just goes, it just hits him. This thing just hits him. And then he just goes, and it's just pure fire. It comes out of his mouth.

I'm like, what the fuck? But there's an Indian, an Indian, a statue of an Indian or an Indian standing there. And when he blows the fucking fire, it just destroyed, the Indian goes on fire. I mean, they're going to have to cut that scene out of the movie.

That's definitely it. I'm losing it because it's, politically correct. It's years ago. It's an whole movie. I mean, Raul Huli has been dead for fucking 20 years, I think, the guy who played, whatever. And, uh, dog, I just lost it. It was like being eight in the eighth grade. It was like being a fucking kid at a goddamn pink panther movie in Jersey City, New Jersey. I fucking lost it. There was like two other scenes that they did, that I lost it. Then the mushrooms kind of got overpowered by the T. Thank fucking God

But when Lurch blew that fire Out of his mouth And that Indian just burnt the death And then they show the Indians And the fire disappears I think the mushroom tapped into it It's really interesting what they're doing With these mushrooms

Even the sillies It's like a little buzz It's an enjoyable fucking buzz You're not in deep The whole time on those mushrooms The whole time I've been eating these sillies I've had one accident

One night I went over to the city And I think I ate I lost count I ate like three on stage Two when I got off five more On the drive And when I walked in that door I was hired and fuck And again it was a Saturday night And my daughter was up

And I had to sit with her With those fucking things just on fire And she's asking me questions But if you got a chance To watch the Adams family I was fucking dying I had you know guys It's not like I go to the fucking

a video store and I'm like I want the Adams family but the Adams family's blowing the fuck up lately with this Wednesday show. This Wednesday show I saw something that they've gotten more hits on this Wednesday show than anything. Like anything. Strange time, strange

days, fucking stranger things. I never seen that either. But it just destroyed it. It's so weird how they're doing like these movies. I'm doing little shows now. 40 years later, look at the karate kids. 40 years

fucking later and you got another franchise network you know Cic Cobra Kai and they're selling T-shirts I went down to

somewhere the other day and they had a Cobra Kai Lego or something one of those fucking things I'm like Jesus Christ that a Cobra

Kai book at Barnes and Noble about a month ago and now you know this is a series that's fuck I grew up

on that series when it was in black and white with the original Fester and now You know, you got Wednesday.

It's just fucking amazing what they're doing with old ideas, guys. I do a fucking movie of the week, and it's crazy on Patreon. It's crazy what, you know, because I have to look into the movies and read a little bit about them and think about them. Sometimes the movies on, I've forgotten about it. But it's not like all the movies that I fucking like I would give out as a movie of the week. But you see how all those great, I give a lot of movies out from the 70s guys. I don't want to sound like that fucking dude.

I don't want to sound like Quentin Tarantino or Scorsese. You know, for me, those were, you got something out of those movies. You left those movies going, what the fuck that I just watched? Whether it was The Exorcist, the original Longest Yard. You know, now I go to a movie and I leave, and I forgot I even went to the fucking movies. I went to one movie I remember this year, Wakanda Forever. That's it, you know, because the other reason why I remember it is the Mexican can do from narcos is in that motherfucker and he's got little boots that make them fly around so the

whole movie i kept telling my daughter hey i told you ferries wear boots no they don't that no they don't it's fucking amazing guys what they're doing that i tell you something else when i was watching that fucking movie saturday night i was watching raouloghulia and for you motherfuckers that don't know i'm gonna tell you something they talk about all these great actors and people who can fucking let me I'll tell you something, Raulia was a fucking savage. And if you don't believe me, just the range he had to do like a kid's movie, like Adam's family. This motherfucker did a movie called Tequila Sunrise.

Shit with fucking Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell about a drug dealer. He's tremendous in that. If you've never seen Kiss of the Spider Woman, holy shit is Raulia fucking great in that movie. Raulahouli is a Puerto Rican, fucking savage. The funniest thing ever, there was a kid in L.A. that was running around telling people he's Raulia's son.

I swear to God, this guy for fucking years. And the people are like, really? Raulul, he's a great actor. He would cry. And it came out that fucking, that guy wasn't even Raulahulia's DNA. I think Raulahulia's wife made him take a DNA and there was no DNA. And it came out and he was like

the laughing stock on Hollywood. Who the fuck knows anymore with these people? Welcome to Hollywood cocks-suckers. I got this interesting. fucking email the other day. Guy on Patreon was talking to me about every once in a while

listen you get a lot of stupid shit from people you get interesting stuff from people a motherfucker Jake Cattel sent me the fucking article of when I robbed the jewelry stores in snowmass he found them not the original snow mass time one but the snow mass sun

got released on Sundays and it says more burglar on Christmas Eve. I get great shit. You know, you're on to it down. This is the second time, but third time he's helped me out,

Jake, with this type of shit. But, uh, I get some great emails. I get people who just send me, like, questions,

what's your favorite band? What are you smoking tomorrow? You know, whatever. But you get some people that really, like, uh, hit you home and you're like,

wow, that email threw me for a fucking loop. And he said that in this email that, uh, I never like to give our names. because that's not my bag. Somebody said to me, why do you talk to people on the phone?

Because I don't want people to hear other people's fucking problems. I like to bring up a problem to discuss how I would handle it. This isn't even a problem. It's just something that people need to know, especially this time of the year, when people are thinking of changing shit up. You know, people are like, you know what? I'm thinking of quitting drinking for a while

or maybe I'm going to give pot a break December 31st, or maybe I'm going to stop with the pills or the Coke, whatever the fuck, you're poisoning. You know? It's so weird. I have a friend now who's, uh, he lives in California. He's a big dude and he got diagnosed with something. And he called me.

We were talking about three weeks ago. He was telling me how he's going for the surgery. He gained a lot of weight all of a sudden. But in all my conversations with him like, he has to do a little workout. I guess the surgeries like in January. And he's been trying to work for, I got a couple friends that are doing the surgery next year. but this guy is a big guy that just got hurt and he never could work out again,

whatever the fuck the story is. But we've been talking, it's really weird out these two stories connect. He always talks me about when he has the surgery how his life is going to change. And I'm happy for him. I'm his brother. I'm here for whatever the fuck he needs,

but it's like your life isn't going to change that much unless you change it. You know, when you're talking about, talking about losing weight it's a lifestyle change when you're talking about not drinking no more it's a lifestyle change when you're talking about not doing drugs it's the lifestyle change when talking about losing weight it's a lifestyle change they're all lifestyle changes you're just not quitting something you just not walking away from something your whole lifestyle has to change

you know when when i got on weight watches yes i thought it was a fucking diet but no it's not you're just going to eat fruit today and then tomorrow you're going to go and eat two gallons of ben and jerrys even though i love fucking ben and jerrys new york super fud chunk when you're a stoner there's nothing better than ben and jerry's at night but you know you when i went to uh white castle when i went to the weight watches i didn't know what to expect you know and as i went to more meetings and i got involved i learned you know they tell you to go to the meetings because it must makes things easier. And I found honest engine that when I was going to meetings, I was losing more weight, right?

I was losing more weight, right? So it was a lifestyle. I realized that I had to incorporate a gym with it. I realized that I had to drink fucking water. I realized that to lose weight, you got to sleep. Sleep is important. So it's a fucking lifestyle change. It's not just that you just stop eating.

Well, I'm just going to stop smoking pot. I'm going to stop drinking, but what are you going to do now? What are you going to hang out at the bar? No, you got to change your fucking lifestyle. You can't see those people no more. That dude with the fucking that does three martinis and an onion for lunch, you can't be hanging out with him no more. You're trying to change your life.

I know you love the guy. You know, you love the motherfucker, but you have to keep a calm profuey, so it becomes a lifestyle change. The question this guy dumped on me was, which was fucking brilliant, he goes that he stopped eating oxy cottons like he was on oxycontin for like eight years and alcohol and blow but his main poison was oxycontins

he went to a rehab the dude's intelligent as fuck he's an engineer I mean I'm not dealing with like a street level guy here you know he's been on Patreon for about a year so he said he went to a rehab went to a sober living facility it was a lot easier than what he anticipated

because they always scared the fuck out of you when you try to quit anything. You know, oh, it's going to be so rough. You're going to puke. Your dick's not going to get hard. You know, he said that he adjusted to that shit easy. A lot easier than what he expected. But he said that he's sober six months

and that he just can't get it together. Like people still treat him weird and, you know, he has no confidence and the guy's got two kids. I mean, he has a good job, but you could see he's lost. And I tell him, listen, keep hitting me up, you know,

like we've been talking about his sobriety for a few months now, but just this question baffled me. And I, you know, sometimes, you ever get like somebody asked you a question and you, and they put you in a spot? Like, you've got to fucking answer them.

That's not fair sometimes. Let me think about it. Give me a fucking date to think about what, You know, that's the only way I can answer it. I don't know, the best of my ability, you know. There's some quite, hey, when are you going to jerk off Tuesday morning? You know, that's easy to say, but what are you going to do this?

I fucking have no idea, you know. There's questions that you need time. So he goes, you know, it's just been so weird how quitting was so easy, but adjusting has been a motherfucker. He goes, if I would have known, I would have kept eating the fucking bills. And I'm like, no, you're doing the right thing. I didn't even answer them. I waited for a few days.

I got high. I went for a ride. I went to the gym, you know. And I thought about the fucking quiet. You know, something happened to me Monday this week. It was great news. I got great news about something. I didn't even process it until like Friday.

I wasn't happy about it for like Friday morning. That's the type of guy I am. Like it takes me a couple of days. That's a great question, you know. And I was thinking about when I got sober. When I got sober, I got sober, I got sober. I got sober like mid-November. I was in a movie.

So I didn't, for 30, for 20-something days in a row, I was involved in this movie. There was no really going out at night. And the other time I was down, I would just stay home and hide. I was just staying home and hiding because I didn't want to do Coke. I didn't want to see anybody who would make me think about Coke.

And I really wanted to quit. And after about it was like, I think that December, and I never said nothing to, nobody. When I quit cocaine, I didn't say shit to nobody because, you know how it is when people say to you, hey, I've been clean for 30 days. You're like, give this fucking guy another week. I'm still not going to leave my wallet. And you're up, you know, just because you've been sober for 30 days doesn't mean I'm going to leave my wallet in front of you. You know, and guys,

I'm not being judgmental, but this is just the way it is, guys, you know. So I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want to be that dude. You ever see that dude disappears for 60 days? And all of a sudden, you see him and he's drinking water and he's got like a headband on. He's like, I just left the gym. I feel great. I haven't done a drug in 64 days and you're like, you fucking mutt.

You know, there he is, trying to make everybody feel bad. Like, I'm working out now. I bench 400 pounds. You know, shut the fuck up. And then the year later, you see him and you're like, what happened to the gym? Oh, you know, whatever the fuck.

So I didn't want to say anything. I didn't say anything until fucking maybe February. But I'll never forget that January, working at Cobbs Comedy Club with Rogan, Tate, Brian, Ari, Duncan. We were all up there. And I think I told Ari first.

I go, Ari, I haven't done blowing two fucking months because it was too much when we went up to cops. And he was like, come on. I'm like, yeah, I haven't said none of nobody. I haven't done anything. You know, don't say nothing. I don't want Rogan to know. I don't want anybody to know.

I want to be sober at least a year before I raised my hand. before I'm a jerk off, you know. And that was great. All that shit was great. I could see my stand-up was trying, starting to get a little better, but I wasn't healed. It took a while to get fucking healed.

But what happened was when I was doing powder and all that shit, I don't know if I told Mike this, but I always used to tell Lee. I used to go, listen, man. My biggest problem when I was doing Coke, wasn't the fucking Coke or the money or sleeping or getting to the job or whatever.

My toughest job, I shouldn't say getting to the job, the toughest problem I had was you counting on me. Like, you could never count on me for anything. If I told you eight in the morning, you know, odds were not in your fucking favor. And it's sad. It's very fucking sad when you can't make plans with somebody. Like the last three years of my addiction guy, there's people still waiting for me at the airport.

Like, you know what I'm saying? Like, I was going to Houston and I would call. They go, are you at the airport? I'm at the airport. I'm about to get on the plane. I wasn't even at the fucking airport. I hadn't even shower yet. That's still in my living room doing blow from the night before.

And I would call the club owner and go, just pick me up in Houston. I'll be there at 1 o'clock. And then at 1 o'clock, my phone would start ringing. Where are you? I'm circling the airport. My plane got delayed. Oh, no, no, no.

Guys, the shit I did was just horrific. It was horrific. I'm surprised I fucking salvaged my career. Trust me what I'm telling you this. There was maybe three or four comedy clubs I fucked over that they're still waiting for me to show up or I had a delay. Even Rogan tells the story. I was supposed to meet him at Rascals in Jersey

and he kept calling me, where are you? And I'm like, I'm at the airport in Vegas. I'm delayed. I was nowhere even in sight. I was nowhere, I was nowhere even in sight. And it's fucking sad that looked back at it and to see where my life went, but guys, I could not keep it together. And I had just come off like the longest yard.

People knew when I shot the movie. People knew already I was a fiend. And then I fucked over the Ontario Improv, and they told everybody. So it was very fucking rough, Uncle Joey, that first year. It was brutal. There were times when I was like, fuck it. I should just go back to snort and coke because I'm getting. the same fucking reception, you know.

You know, you quit, you have this problem, you fucking take all these years, you fucking look back, you quit, and all of a sudden now, people still a little rough to you. Like, they're still like, you know, the comedy store was kind of weird. At the time, I hadn't been at the comedy store no more.

I quit Coke, and I just stayed away from the comedy store because I knew that there was no way. That was my fucking to go. That was, you know, if I went to the store, I stayed out of the store for six years, but I purposely stayed out of the store

the first two years because I did not want to fucking be in that. You know, it was rough enough going out at night, having cash, having to drive home with the cash in your pocket. At the store, you know, it was right there for me. The Coke was right there. All I had to do was walk to the front. So I voted to fucking Coke. But it took me guys, you know, if you're thinking of quitting anything,

don't think you're like, quitting is the easy. thing. Quitting is going to be the easiest fucking thing. You go and I'm throwing these pills away or I'm throwing this blow away or I'm throwing this weed away or I'm never drinking. That's the easiest thing you got. It's the work you do afterward. That sucks dick. It sucks dick. I mean, nobody's going to lend your money. Right? Like nobody lends your money still because yeah, you're sober, but now they're waiting for the big fucking blowout. So for a year, people wait. People wait. for you to fall. I mean, guys, and you cannot be mad at somebody waiting for you to fall because for fucking 10 years, you've been lying to people. You've been lying to everybody, including your fucking self. So now you want people to say, oh, you quit, sure, let's open up the fucking house and break out the wallets and the champagne bottle. No, people got to be more cautious of you. You know, it's like when somebody wins a bunch of games in a row, you start betting against

them because eventually they're going to fucking lose. They're going to lose. Oh, my God. I'm gonna bet again. Then they keep winning, they keep winning. And then when you don't bet, that's when they fucking lose. But it's just crazy how much of a fucking struggle I had. So when this guy hit me with this email, I was like, brother, listen, man. I sent them like a fucking 20-minute email, like about it. Yeah, I wrote, you know, I usually try to keep my email short so people don't send me long fucking emails.

But this one, I had to put it down because I could see the concern. I still remember, like by thinking, I still remember how much of a fucking struggle it was. And then people were hitting me up to give me Coke. Because the craziest thing is, when you're doing Coke, you can't find it. But now that you're not doing Coke, it was everywhere.

So every club I was going to now, people didn't know I was sober. So now they would come to the club and go, hey, we brought you. And I'm like, oh, hold on, hold on to it. At the end of the show, I'll fucking come get it. And I would not even come out at the end of the show. It was a fucking nightmare how much cocaine was around me.

When you don't want it, when you want it, it's not around. But when you don't want it, now it was fucking everywhere. And I was all right. Like, I was done with it, guys. So I never had a problem. 15 years. I never had a problem. I never wanted a fucking urge to go back.

I knew what would happen. if I just did one line of fucking Coke. I knew what would, like I couldn't cheat with a bump. Every piece of work I did the last 15 years. Like if I, if I said to Mike, Mike, let me just try a fucking line. If I just try the line today,

all the work I did the last 15 years would go fucking, the punishment would be unreal to fucking, because the promise I made was never to do it again. So the punishment I would get as a man, would be unreal. So that was the easiest of my, but it would make you think, you know,

when you're a fucking junkie, when you're a fucking savage like I was, half of my game was people coming up to me going, hey, can you get me an ounce of Coke? Sure, you know, I would take an eight ball out, put an eight ball of cut in. I made sure I got you the best Coke in town,

but I threw some cut in it. That's how I made my fucking money, you know? If I was having a bad week, I would throw extra cutting it. If I was having a really bad week, I would just take your money and not give a date. You know, that's, I would disappear for a month.

You'd be looking for me for a month. Where the fuck is he? I gave him $1,000. He told me he'd be back in 10 minutes. That was 10 weeks ago. But when I stopped doing coke, guess what happened? All of a sudden, everybody wanted to buy coke from me. I still, I remember one time, like, I couldn't get nobody to give me like $2.50.

Like, there was a couple of comics that gave me money for eight balls. and I would go to El Compadre, buy the eight ball, do two lines, and not even give him the eight ball back. There's three big-name comics that gave me $250 for an eight ball at one time. And I just went and did it and never saw him like a month later, and they never even brought it up. Like they never even brought it up. And then there was people from time to time that would give you like, you know, $2,000 and go get me as much as you can. There was one comic that's a dear friend of mine. and he caught me on a bad fucking week

and I just gave him like half cut and he called me back he's like I can't give this to the people I'm like I don't know what to tell you do what you can we didn't talk for about a year or two then he apologized I apologized I told him what I had done

and you know I gave him some pot or something and we fucking made friends but I still remember being like sober two months and somebody called me up and like can I talk to him like yeah can we meet it like Starbucks sure And they were like dog

I got like fucking 8,000 bucks or something Something that I sat there and was like And I remember the guy going What are you giggling on the butt? I go

I'm just thinking about If you would have done this Gave me this the last two years I was snorting coke You would have never saw me again He goes what do you mean I would have never gave you shit $8,000 I would have got to Vegas

I would have got to fucking Vegas and just did the $8,000 worth the fucking blow I wouldn't have given you nothing he's like thank god you're not doing coke anymore i don't thank god it was it was just surreal the test that the universe gives you the universe starts testing you a little bit to see if you're really fucking and that was the thing sober wise like i had it covered i wasn't not going to go back to cocaine and that's the proof is in the pudding i never slipped or anything but the pressure

is what drives you to fucking want to do a line. And to be honest, I never came clean about this, but I used to hit fucking meetings once in a while. Just off meetings, I would hit them, especially in the valley. When I first moved to the valley, there was a couple little meetings.

A couple of them were AA, a couple of them were N.A. It didn't fucking matter to me. With fucking junkies, what differences in make? You're not going there. I never drank before. Who gives a fuck?

just listen to their stories I would just go there and listen to their stories I never fuck I think I spoke one time in like eight meetings and I didn't go like every other day I didn't really have a sponsor I just had the schedule there was one on

there was a little one like a Russian one by my house I didn't want anybody to recognize me and shit this is before podcasting and stuff so I would just hit a fucking couple meetings no stigma attached just to listen and you would go in there and go fuck you know

wow if this guy's putting up with that because when you go to those meetings you hear people talking about worship what you're going through I had a place I had a girlfriend I had a job I was doing stand-up I had money coming in you go to those fucking meetings

you hear stories about people that have nothing like they're living in a shelter and they come back they lost everything and that's a difference that you need that not because you'll go fuck I'm better than they are But because you go, you know what, I thought I was having a fucking bad day.

This motherfucker is really having a fucking bad day. Now I feel a little better. So that was all those little things help me. Comedy helped me. My friends helped me. But like I said, none of my friends were recovering fucking addicts. Like I couldn't talk to Joe Rogan about it or Ari or Duncan. They just were like, you know, okay, we'll watch you.

We'll watch you from time to time. But again, that was wanting to do the drug was the easy thing. I didn't want to do the drug. I just wanted to get over what was going on around me. I just wanted this stigma

that, I don't know if they, it's like when you got out of prison. When you got out of prison, you go to shop, it's shop, right? All of a sudden, you're like, this fucking guy knows I just got out of prison. I can tell by the way he's looking at me. Do you know what I'm saying?

Like, you just feel that everybody is looking at you. Like, why is everybody fucking? looking at me, you know, and that's what happens when you get off the fucking drugs. You're like, these people know, I robbed this, these people know I did coke, these people, you know, and they don't know anything. It's you that's walking in there on edge because one of the fucking most truest stories I heard, when I was on the longest yard, there was a wardrobe woman who was fucking a hippie, and she was tremendous.

I really enjoyed a company. Every day she would come in, and every day I'd go, come on, dog, what are we going to get stoned? And she go, I haven't gotten high in 11 years. I went to Woodstock. She was one of those chicks. I went to Woodstock. She's seen Jimmy Hendricks, the whole fucking deal. And she would always say to me.

And I was doom blow then. I don't know if she knew or she didn't. But she would always say to me, you know what's weird when you stop smoking pot and see the world? And I would look at it like, why would I want to do that? When you stop smoking pot and you see the world and you see the things you miss. And I would think about it, like, what the fuck she's talking about?

Well, guess what? That happens when you give up alcohol. That happens when you give up pills. That happens when you give up Coke. When I gave up Coke, I heard sounds I never heard before. You know, like you just hear, it's like when I put my hearing aids on at night. You know, and I go pee, I go, fuck, I never heard my pee hit the water like this. It hits it hard, you know what I'm saying?

Like, seriously. When I put my fucking hearing aids on at night, I hear shit. shit that, you know, I don't put my hearing aids on at daytime. I don't need them. I need them at night because the sound of the television bounces, so I have to control it, you know? When I go to a restaurant, I have a hard time at those

places. But when I fucking, you know, when I put my fucking hearing aids on, it's... It's like a whole new world. It's like a whole new fucking world. But that's the thing that sounds the best. When I take my dick out and I pee, holy

shit. When the pee hits the water. I'm like, my fuck, my ears can't take it. That's a, that's how fucking, that's how deaf I am. So it's just really weird. That's what happens when you see, like seeing the world without those fucking things. Like for me, it was 29 fucking years. You know, you don't see nothing. You don't see Martians. But I'm sure that you're fucking affected your brain thought. I know for a fact. I know for a fact. I found a video a couple years ago, two years ago, and I'm moved here, some jerk off, put it up of us talking in his yard, and I was on Coke then, I could not even understand me.

I was having like eight conversations at once with ten different fucking people, and it was not good. So when you start hearing these things again, and you start seeing things you haven't seen in years, you're like, what the fuck is that? You just haven't seen that shit. You've had, you know, you've been high for fucking 30 years. What the fuck did you see? It's so funny, when you read Henry Hill's daughter's book, she has a great book.

I don't even think you can find it anymore. She wrote a book right after Goodfellis saying that he was a liar. And she didn't say he was a liar. She just goes, listen, man, let's be honest. When you're doing that amount of drugs, how much of a memory do you really have? For him to remember all that stuff? She goes, I remember waking him up

and he didn't even know if he had to go to fucking work the next day. He didn't know my wife's name. He didn't know my brother's name. He didn't know my sister's name. And that even... I take that into consideration with me also. I was so high after fucking time. I don't remember a lot of shit,

but I remember a lot of shit because I have a memory of a fucking elephant. You understand? I remember fucking everything. You know, I look at my daughter now. I asked my daughter a question about something the other day. Talk, she repeated back to me like she was there at the moment.

moment. It was so vivid and so clear. And I remember being a kid and my mother saying to me, holy shit, you got a great fucking memory. Like you just described something to the tee. You know, I asked her about, I talked to a friend of mine on the phone, a villa.

And she goes, like, that day I met your daughter, I met her in a party and I told her you grew up in my house and stuff. I saw the other day, and I go, dog, you never told me you met a villa. And she goes, she's like a villa. And she's like a villa. I didn't mean no fucking the villa. I go, yes, you did. You met him at

Lisa's fucking birthday party. She goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Little guy built no hair. She described them to the fucking tea. North Bergen's shirt on, the whole fucking deal, you know, blonde girlfriend. I was like, you know, that's the memory I fucking had. This happened a month ago. But that's the memory I fucking had as a kid. My memory is not that

fucking bad, but it doesn't really matter. We're not talking about memories here. We're talking. We're talking about how the memory got erased. Okay, we're talking about the, how the fucking memory got erased. It's always a fun fucking Monday morning podcast. I love the Monday morning podcast because we get to fucking talk about something that,

I just love it that we could talk about something that's going to, you're going to build on and I'm going to build on and, you know, just me remembering what I went through that year, that first year of sobriety. It was brutal. It was fucked and brutal. I remember getting better on.

on stage though. I remember noticing after six months and not doing powder, I remember noticing shit like the number one thing I stopped sweating on stage. Holy shit.

When I was doing coke and I wouldn't do coke before I went on stage. I'm talking about doing coke the night before. Getting on stage the day after and fucking puddles would be coming out of my fucking body.

I don't know how that's cocaine affected my sweat the next day on stage but that was one thing I noticed immediately, but that's just vanity shit. You know, it's just smelly shit. I'm talking about my timing was better. I always, one of my biggest problems always in comedy was me and Mike would discuss a joke all week, and we would discuss it for five fucking minutes before I went on stage.

And I come off stage and he'd go, you didn't do the joke. Motherfucker! Motherfucker! And I would kill. Like, I would destroy. that room, but I would be furious because I've always forgot that one

fucking joke. That was my M.O. All the fucking time when I got on stage, Ari and Duncan. You didn't do the joke. You didn't do the joke. You didn't do the joke. Fuck! That was my thing. Once I stopped doing Coke Dog, I went up there and I remember jokes. I never even

wrote yet. You understand me? I remember jokes that Jesus told at the last supper. That's how good my fucking everything was cooking on. gas. So if you're thinking of getting off whatever the fuck you're on for 2023, just remember Rome wasn't built overnight, guys. The hardest thing is not going to be you getting off it. You know, you're going to have your night sweats and you're going to want to jump out of window for fucking the first week. But after that, you're like, what the fuck was all the fuss about?

I didn't die and I could do this standing on my fucking head. And then, It's just you getting back into the routine, getting a routine to get you away from those freaky fucking people that you were doing drugs with. Not that they're bad people. Not that they're bad people. Just for a little time, you just need a little breather until you can handle yourself under them.

And, you know, if you need it, man, I tell you, I don't want you to think I'm Captain A.A., but fucking it works, guys. It works. And A, that shit works. You know, if you just want to, maintain you don't want to say that's the best thing about those things you can just go there sit scratch your balls and listen drink the fucking terrible coffee put a dollar in the basket and

go home you'll get stronger and that's dog i didn't do it every week but from time to time whenever i was having a shitty week or a shitty day i would pop in a meeting what the fuck who gives the fuck and if they got a fat man meeting go to that one whatever the fuck uh you know if they got the one Alan where you're married to somebody who's an alky, go to that one. I don't give a fuck. I did all that shit guys, and it helped me. And yeah, you're going to have your fucking periods when you get off the shit. You're going to see the real world for the first time in a long time, you know.

I'm in a couple weeks ago. I was going to Philly, and I was getting dressed, and I went to put pants on and shit. And also, I'm like, I wasn't feeling good. And I'm like, wow, this is where I would take a Xanax. This is what I would take a Zanx right now. because of how I'm feeling and it would just fucking take away the feeling right away.

Now I'm not taking the Xanax and I'm learning to live with these feelings. It was the same thing I had to do with Coke. Same thing I have to do with Coke. It's a lifestyle change. It's not a fucking diet, Cocksuckuckers. And that's the Monday morning podcast.

I don't know what else to tell you, Cocksuckers. I got a lot of great reviews from you guys on Stoners Club. They're really helping you guys out. they finally got the laughing gas in the stock. I think they got some sashimi. It's the new sashimi that's stronger than fucking debt. So if you want some laughing gas, hit them up.

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It's that simple. It's a beautiful Monday morning. We've got a couple fucking weeks till Christmas. This is the best fucking holiday I'm having so far. I have nothing on my mind. I don't have to do any comedy after the holidays. And all this is about it's just getting high, having a great time with the fucking girls.

My friends, Mike Lee, when he comes down on the 26th. And this is what it is, guys. So it's a whole thing. different world. It's going to change for 2023. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great day. Stay black. And now for a word for my motherfucking sponsors, Jack. All right, I want to thank you guys. It's a short one today. I'm a no fucking, I got things to do and people to see, but you got the message.

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