The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #221 - Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: October 14, 2014

Ari Shaffir, Comedian and Host Of Ari Shaffir's Skeptic Tank, joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in studio. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Use promo code CHURCH and get high quality razors sent to your door. HITecigs.com For a better tasting, longer lasting e cig go to HITecigs.com. Use Promo code joeyschurch for a 20% discount Music:  For The Love Of Money - O'Jays I Wanna Be Around - Tony Bennet The Pay Back - James Brown Recorded on 10/13/2014

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Now go to dollar shaveclub.com slash church. That's dollar shaveclub.com slash church Or just go to joeydia.com and click on the dollar shave club bater. And Joey, if I'm right, they're giving away a shave butter now, right? Absolutely. Yeah, they're giving away a free thing or shave butter. If you go and use the code word church, the show is also sponsored by Onit.com.

Go there, get AlphaBrain, New Mood, Trumetek Immune, Trumetex Sport. Someone was telling me online that they have melatonin because I was saying the new mood is good If you're trying to go to sleep, they have just straight melatonin. Code Word Church to get 10% off. And the show is also sponsored by HitE.Sigs.com. That's hit the letter E.Sigs.com. What's with the laughter, Cogsucker? They're better tasting, longer lasting.

The proof is in the vape. They have e-cigarettes and e-cigars. Use code word Joey's church to get 20% off of your order. Oh, shit. Just when you thought it's safe. Look at the end of the podcast. I won't be as good. The Jewish National Anthem.

Here we go, motherfuckers. Monday, October 13. Break out the fucking bazookas. It's a Yamaka type of night. Don't fuck around. Kick it, Lee. What? Wiggle, Lee.

Wiggle that motherfucking thing. Hit it. Where's the cash now, Lee? Get the gun. Get the Yamaka. Machine gun. A fucking rock. A sledge hammer.

Do it. Old-time rabbi. A knife in his shoe. Don't fuck with the Jew Ugh What What? Kda-da-da-d-da-d-d-d-

It's a whole new fucking week, people Monday Take your dick out swinging in the air Who gives a fuck? It's all about you, bitches

Wigglefunkle joy Let me Some people What happened with the wiggas? You lost the rhythm Cogucker That's the Cookies fault

Where you've been, Dog? I've been everywhere I know you went to see Pit Bull Friday I didn't go My girlfriend But you guys ever have like something happened and it brings you back to when it happened at like eight years old?

Yeah. I was in the, I went to saw a movie today. I was in the bathroom. This old guy next to me farted at the urinal. And like when I was like 10, I was in the bathroom with my best friend and Wendy's. This old guy farted and we both died laughing. We ran into the parking lot. He saw us.

And I saw it. And this guy farted next to me in the urinal at the movie theater today. And it took all my strain. I was like that. It's fucking crazy It's funny when you fart I blasted a fart In the bathroom airport

An airport bathroom About a month ago Everybody freaked out Everybody It was a long one I was at the uranour At the end of the pee When you're fucking uranus

You're tightening it up and shit And I blasted one A long one And people looked at me I thought that's what you blasted farts But I guess not I guess not Oh my

I guess you got a blasted them in public. I did one from the bathroom this weekend and Paula started laughing because my bedroom was not that far from my bathroom. I had this big fort and she just started laughing. I thought that's pretty cool. What else you do all weekend? Not much.

We had her mom's birthday dinner and then picked her up Saturday and went to the gym, watch some TV, watch Patriot Sunday. They win? Yeah. Everybody happy. Bill Belichick, good? Yeah. I was good as you're already.

I mean, I was just, I was worried because the bills, I was worried we're going to lose, but it looks like we're getting better. Beautiful. I don't really have any. The bills? The bills were doing pretty well, and we were tied for first. What? Yeah, it's only six games into the season.

You can't get him started. He's a cowboy thing. He's got binoculars. Ortiz has Tessico with cancer. David Ortiz. You hear that today? No. Yeah.

Now who did the Cowboys beat up on? Seattle Seahawks. They smacked the... They went right at fucking Sherman. They took it to him. They played like men. That's how you do it. Yeah.

A couple. Freak plays. A punt got blocked for a touchdown and something else happened. Some fumble for a touchdown. And they still came right back in fucking last minute drive. Romo wasn't Romo. Amazing.

Five and one. They're going to make the playoffs, man. The first, I was done. I thought six and ten this year. Look at you. Look at the bull. They're going to break my heart again. They're going to break my fucking heart again.

In week 17, like they always do. Unbelievable. I, of course, went to Denver. The Improg. Very nice, very nice, nice people. I want to thank everybody that came out. Had a great time. Metal Brad 420 brought us this fucking...

The blunt of death? ...which we're going to spark up after the show tonight. All Alien OJ. And make a video of. That time Lee will be passed out. Oh, yeah. Like the girl in 16 candles. I had three quarters of an edible of a brownie today.

You're going deep tonight. We need some milk with this. What fucking milk? What you got colluding? It's so much smoking. Bringing out milk to joey is, like, bringing up milk to joey is, like, bringing a ranch dressing. Why? No, chocolate milk. How about chocolate milk? I love chocolate milk. Let's get some

chocolate milk. Where are we going to get chocolate milk? 7-11. No, there's no 7-1 around here. There's 7-11 everywhere. Where? This looks like Bodegaville out here. There's no something around here. There's 7-Eleven 10 blocks that way. Oh, yeah. Lowell Canyon. Oh, yeah, but there's one off of Burbank. Where? Oh, that's right.

Do you know there's no 7-Elevens in Dayton, Ohio? How come? I don't know, because it can't support it. There's no 7-Elevens and all of Dayton's. The closest one is fucking Columbus. Where'd you fly out of? Dayton. Oh, they have a local airport. Yeah, international airport.

Tremendous. No, Denver was very nice. Dayton Flyers. That's where fucking Wright brothers were. After North Carolina or something, I don't know. I look at the pictures. You learn something new every day. To the pictures of the airport.

Denver was very nice. I was very impressed with it. It was, I hadn't been to do comedy in a long time like that, like by myself. How long? Decade? Ninety-four. Wow. 20 years.

I went into the triple run. I did Craig. I did Craig somewhere up close to Aspen and whatever was Saturday night. That's the last time. I was dating the girl named Carol, the one I found the aluminum phone her asshole. And I fucking took her with me.

I was a nightmare. It was a fucking nightmare. I'm sure she loves that that's how you remember her. I still talk to her. She's getting married. She's getting married. And I asked her two weeks ago. I said, let me ask you something.

Does he know how many dicks you son? And she's like, no, and he's not going to know. Okay. He thinks like your breath is fucking minty because that's gum. He doesn't know that. That's fucking, you probably got fucking testicular fucking nut sack cance in your mouth that tastes like fucking peppermint. Juice or whatever that's fucking taste. Well, you guys got to get me on that type of stuff.

Tell them what you ate on Thursday. What are you? The Tacharon burrito and the Tater tots. Right. Listen, there's certain places that you go to. Yeah? Like Ari and I went to Denver one time. Uh-huh.

First thing we did was we walked around the corner and we got green chili. Yeah. At that place. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's it. That's it. That's it for Denver. You don't go to Denver to get a steak or a cheeseburger.

They have an Italian hero. Listen, stop it. Stop it. You walk into a place. You look at the menu. If they got the port green chili soup, you walk in there and you go, let me get a fucking cup of soup. Don't ask if it's spicy.

Don't ask. Just bring extra tortillas. And then you decide. If it's good, bring the cup. If the cup is good, then go all out. Then get whatever you want, but you're going to smother it with the green chili. Because it'll be good. Yes.

So the first thing I did was, because they have, what people don't know, or some people do know, is that they have different kind of Mexican foods. The food you get in San Diego is different than the food you get in L.A., but it's completely different than the food you get in the southwest. Dallas? No. New Mexico? New Mexico, Colorado.

Utah Santa Fe Santa Fe That's what they have They have green chili When you go to Texas It's Tex-Mex Chewis

Pappasitos Oh yeah All that way The queso And all that stuff So you have three different areas Maybe even four I don't know what the other

One might be Don Carlos was talking about that I said some truck went by And said authentic Mexican food He goes Dang authentic Mexican food He goes they ain't

Any authentic Mexican food I make fucking San Diego Garbage Mexican food That's what that guy makes too He's like be honest about it Well it's been a Hybrid yeah

It's been Americanized But they still have There's a lot of things That are very today You know Tacos A fucking tacos But they fuck it up

In the East Coast I've never I like Hartschel They're not bad I'm just saying it's not the same And like when I moved here I had never tried Like a taco with cilantro and onion

When my mom made like No I can't deal with that No No no East Coast hasn't had fucking Mexican food since Jesus left. I know, it's so weird. It's horrible because they didn't migrate.

And even the ones that migrate, the good Mexican food in the East Coast, you have to pay for it. It's fucking, it's 19. 95 a dish for like, you know, two enchiladas and a bean taco. And North Bergen has one. I grew up. North Bergen, it used to be Gregory 7th. That's a waste. And they have an upscale one in Fort Lee, where it's a tequila bar.

But my friends go, and they're like, bro, we drop 60-80 bucks every time you go in there. I don't understand that. I was telling Paula last night, we were walking by this place on Ventura, and it was like a fancy Mexican place, and the best Mexican food are tacos and ex-a-a-a-a-a-old. It's garbage food. At its heart, it's garbage food. So don't fucking doll it up too much.

Just eat it as it is. But there's good fucking Mexico. Yeah, yeah, there's good and bad. See, I like the stuff in San Diego, the stuff by the Comedy Store, the Rosaritas, by the Denny's, right by P.B. Barring, all that shit. Behind that's open 24 hours. What's the place on Western?

It's so good. The restaurant? Yeah. It's a restaurant. The one on Western is the one, El Cholo. A Cholo. Man, that place is good. That shit, don't fuck around.

When they make the guack at your table, the spicy guacamole? Shit, and the margaritas there? Yeah. I used to cater. We and Josh Wolf used to cater for them. And the main thing wasn't the money. It was to take a gallon of those margaritas. You always told the help.

We were out of margaritas. What were you only three gallons? They're out. These motherfuckers drink like fish. And meanwhile, you got one in the trunk. When you poked up a gallon of that fucking margarita juice that they have down there Was it hot though? I'm in the trunk

Who gets a fuck? You put it on ice in an hour. You take it an hour. I know, but still. No, you just put in the car and you fucking leave it back there. You cater at night. Come on, Lee, use your fucking head. I've never catered.

Yeah, so you put the fucking thing in the truck. They have ice in there from the catering. You can tell them whatever the fuck you want. We're all out. Let me see all three of them. Okay. Whatever. So we take a fucking gallon home with us.

And those margaritas are delicious. and they will fuck you up. So if you're a margarita fan, you're a Mexican food fan, El Cholo on Western Boulevard. Westin, delicious. It's not that bad.

Yeah, yeah, it's not that bad. It's not that. It's not that price. They pay like 1213. It's all right time. It's authentic. They had blue corn tortillas or whatever.

The blue tortillas won like two months a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good date place, too. No, it's been that much. Well, the margaritas. Yeah, the margaritas. In Boulder, it was a place. that you had three margaritas and they cut you off

because they made them with grain alcohol. What? So you didn't even taste the fucking grain alcohol. Oh, you are. And next to you know, pop-bam. Fucking delicious. And at lunchtime, they had dollar margaritas, little ones. So people go in there and get fucking lit.

I used to go in and eat the black beans were the best in there. They had a mix of, like, refried beans and black beans. Oh, really? Just delicious. But all that stuff is, you're right. It's not authentic. It's like, but it's a new outfit.

Ask a Mexican what a chalupa is and who look at you and go, I have no idea. Right. Because they didn't invent it. That's something. It's like chabata bread. That's not Italian. That's something that's some fucking Gentile.

So let's be different. Really? Yeah. Ask the Italian fucking about chabata bread. Well, they may call it something else, but that's garbage. I hate that shit. I hate chabot bread. Really?

Yeah. I love it. You know, I heard sushi is not that huge in Japan. I heard that's like not like that I always sounds like the main dish It's different It's different It's like fucking like dirty birds and shit

You eat dust and seeds And seed clams and shit And your fucking fish has been stabbed And they throw it back in the water Yeah So you see where the knife wound was Shit like that You know shit like that

That's what it's different But it's freshly It's fucking friend You know what else I bumped I bumped into this guy in Denver Well I knew Bubba Bubba gave me some good fucking weed too but this guy here Adam Tyree, RevTech,

these little vaporize, these new systems, these electronic vaporization. They're like the blue cigarette, but only with refit, Nios. Yeah, they're great. You can get refills from dealers all over the place. These? Yeah.

They're awesome. That style of thing anyway. And you just buy the refill from the dealer or dispensary. And does the battery run out? Eventually. Yeah, I guess so. Maybe it doesn't, though. Maybe it just works on.

When you pull, I don't know what I'm talking about. Lights are going on. I would have to. Yeah. I would have to throw it in my face, Lee. I'm sorry. Fucking Lee. Not Denver was very nice.

It was, the food was great. You know, the hotel, the comedy, the people that showed up were just fucking tremendous. Yeah. I didn't really go any dispensaries. I didn't really get involved. I went just to do it the first time I went. I went just to go. You know, I'm even going to check my card or anything?

Yeah. And then it's great now. As soon as you just stop in. No, I didn't even go in, nothing like that. I just went and did what I had to fucking do it. I wonder if they'll have them at the airport at some point. You would think so. You what?

Have dispensers at the airport. Yeah. On the way out. In Mexico, they sold all the pills at the airport. No way. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. And whatever the one is, Cabo.

Mexico was just so crazy. Is it not? Isn't it? My friends had you went down there was some coke on the beach. They sell coke right on the beach. On the fucking beach. They come by and they're authentic little outfits. and they go,

C-Shall clam necklace? And you're like, oh, no, it's okay. Oh, these bracelets. Oh, that's okay. Like, no, cocaine? We eat, weed? We eat cocaine.

That is fucking great. You know, like, all, man, relax. Get out of here. And it's like non-stop. They don't stop coming and pestering you. You got to go off. You got to go away. I wonder if you give them 20 bucks

how much Coke they give you a mess. They got to give you like a pound or two. I don't know. But I asked that guy for, what about mushrooms? You got mushrooms at her? Because the water was so fucking warm. In the middle of the night, it was like, oh, it was great. And he goes, no.

But if they, because I was buying weed from them, so I guess he was like on my side goes, if anybody tells you they have mushrooms, they're lying, we don't get them here. We've tried, we don't get them here. So. Yeah, the cool motherfuckers. Yeah. He was still being honest about it. It was a good guy.

Yeah, you get those. The weed was hard. He was hard. He had, you know, it smells like an entire joint by yourself. It's terrible. Pass out a joint to each person in the circle and say, go to work. because it's just going to get you buzzed. You know, it's crazy because this weekend,

one of the underlying things I didn't think about until four or five days before I went to them was I thought about calling my daughter. Wow. Just to the back of my mind. Oh, yeah. She just call. Is she still there?

I have no fucking idea. What happened? Did you call her? No. Why? I just talked myself out of it, I guess. I wanted to do it and talk about it on the podcast because it's that last,

loose end in my life. How long has it been? It's probably been 10 years now. I could have had a memory if you contacted you or something. It's all been a, it was a misunderstanding. It was an argument. It was a lot of anger involved. Not with her and I.

Yeah, it was like, you know, it was building. It was something that was building for maybe six years. They were playing and they kept playing and I kept getting letters and I would get this shit in mail. overnight box. It was just horrid. It was just a horrid thing to go there. I'll tell you what, I went there to work.

I went there to do comedy. And I didn't want to call and get into an argument or just have some weird feelings and it ruined my comedy for these people. Oh, right, right. So I said, I'll do it in another place another time. You know what? I reached out years ago.

And two days later, the Facebook page was gone. So obviously, what the fuck it is. You know, so it's time to just move on. One part of me wants to move on. One part of me wants her to meet. Mercy. Mercy to meet her or whatever. But, you know, right now it wasn't the time, you know.

And that's it. I really wanted to be back on the show and go, guess what? I called, and this is what happens. I just tell her she's got a sister now. Yeah, you know, and just, I just didn't want to call the house. Sorry, I just didn't want to. I don't. What is it, her mom's house?

Yeah, you know. How old is she? She's 24. She's not so there, is she? I have no idea. But that's the call I need to make. to find all this shit out guys you know because you think about like time she's 30 she'll get over it and we both have to get over it you know what did she say to you last time it wasn't what she said

it was the position that she had was put into this is what my beef was guys just so you know I didn't abandon her I didn't talk to her because no I followed up I remember booking that Taco Bell commercial yeah and getting like a bunch of money and going to Boulder, and it was like one of the worst experiences in my life. I've had better experiences when I had no money and crashed on somebody's couch. Why? What happened? I went, I booked a room at the broker, which at the time was, you know, $100-something. This is 10-12. This is 1997. This is when the decline started.

It was 97 that summer. It was the slow decline. We were okay for about two years. I left Boulder in June of 80 of 95. And we were okay. I was sending letters. I was talking to her on the phone. I was going back when I did comedy. I went to pack up my apartment I saw her. You know, I wasn't seeing her guys for a day.

I was seeing her for four hours. You know, it was just brutal. But I saw her. I put my time in. But then once I left, guys, it's like anything else. You know, I would call her. She'd be sleeping. And then they moved to London without me knowing.

They moved to London. After that incident in Boulder in 97 that I went and bought a hotel room, rented a car, I had to pay somebody $500 and paid their credit card bill to use their credit card. In those days, they would let Lee put his card up for me. Now they won't. Now you have to have a matching card. Lee's driver's license has to match his credit card. In those days, Ari could lend me his credit card.

So the friend that lent me his credit card only had $1,000 on his card, and he had 800 down there. So I said, how about I take the 800 off? Would you lend it to me if I paid that bill? So that's how I got to do. So everything cost me a ton of money. And I went to Boulder. She just doesn't want you in the kid's life?

In the kid's life. And for three days she kept telling me, yeah, yeah, later on, doing that she would say, oh, this is what's going on. And that was like three days. Like, I couldn't really deal with that. That sent me back in. I went into like this fucking cocaine thing because at that point in my head,

It wasn't that the mother was playing with me. It's like the mother was... What's that when they, you know, poke the fucking bees high? Like, we had already been through 15 rounds. And the judge told the next time you don't let him see the daughter, I'm going to get you for contempt to court.

And me, I'm not type of guy that I won't call cops on somebody for contempt to court. So I went back to when I called and I said, listen, I haven't seen the kid in like four fucking months since I see her, you know, five hours a week or ten hours. was every other week. Let me just see her three days, five hours.

Well, she's got school and, uh, you know, there's plans and she has activities and she has dinners with friends and what the hell is she's fucking eight. You know, she's seven. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah. So this time, that's what really fucked me up when I went 97 and just didn't watch this here. No, I just got one or something.

It's fucked up what divorce does to people. Like, my parents hate each other. Yeah, I know. And they were married for 20-something years. I mean, they shouldn't have been, but still, you know, like, just hating. It's like... It was probably 10 years too long. That's why the hatred is.

They hate each other for wasting each other's lives. You start getting mad. You go. You made me old. Yeah, like, you get mad at somebody, and then that anger goes away, and then you get mad at something else. Like, Jesus Christ, I didn't love you for 12 fucking years, the last 12 years of our lives. You know, you didn't even sleep with me for eight of those years.

I could have been with somebody else now. Who the fuck wants me now? you know, who the fuck wants me now? So divorce, the anger and divorce, it's different levels of it. First, there's anger for this, then it turns into something else, then it turns into something else. And that's, you know, right now I'm angry. I was angry because I thought, listen, man, in my mind,

I was thinking about this at 4.30 in the morning, I just woke up last night and was thinking about stupidity. I was thinking about how the sea and criminal for me that was the same seeing in comedy. I've used the C in the word criminal. and applied it to the sea in my comedy career. You know what I'm saying? No.

It's like the hustle that I had as a thief. Oh, okay. I've applied it to the comedy thing, like, my hustle. And it's, what was I talking? I was saying someone. But why you were a man? What was I'm doing? Like your daughter and your wife divorced?

And it was, I know for a fact, like with me. Right now, I'm not mad at her for, I'm mad at her right now for cutting my legs off. 20 years later, that's what my anger is. Yeah. You want me to tell you the truth? That's what it is. She cut my legs off.

The mom. The mom. You know, when somebody came up to John Gotti and said, hey, man, we have a rat, and they told him it was Sammy the Bull, O'Ravana. He always fucking knew it. This is the way his end was going to come. He knew it. Sammy the Bull. No, Gotti.

What killed him was, it was Sammy the Bull who rattled him. Out of all the different situations, when somebody close to you, cut your legs off, you know, somebody was reminded him. You know, somebody was reminding me. Who killed Gotti? He died in jail. Somebody reminded me the other day about Dane Cook, that his brother robbed him, $7 million, whether it's a stepbrother or a brother.

Besides the money, after a while, you're not mad at the $7 million. You're mad at the person who took it from you. How did this happen? Why did this happen? So for years, you're mad at why did this happen? Then you get mad at how did this happen? You know, well, Lee gave me your numbers to the fucking thing.

So now should I be mad at fucking Lee, too, for giving him the fucking thing? fucking, you know, I'm just saying Lee. No, no, but do you think, like, if you sat her down, your wife or, like, someone else didn't, and, like, why are you mad? Do you think she even know? Like, it seems like at the point where you're just, you know you're supposed to be angry. So you're angry.

I know, she's probably very upset also. I don't know. Since we come from two different fucking different planets, I don't know how her ain't or worse. So much rage in there. For, like, what? You don't even know each other anymore. It's been a lifetime since you talk to her. I'm still.

I still don't know how I'd react if she can. came into a room and you sat us down. How you would react or how she would react? I'm going to be honest with you guys. Last night I was thinking about Tate. Yeah. And I was thinking about when Dana White called Tate into the room. And he said, I want you to fight again.

And Tate said no, how I felt. I felt a weird way. I love Tate. And, you know, my man Joe Rogan. I love Joe with all my heart. But he always talks about how he quit fighting because he didn't want brain damage. You know?

That's like Brad Pitt. say. That's something Brett. That's something an actor would say. I shouldn't hear that from Joe Rogger. That's something an actor would say. And for a long time, I'm like, you know, what the fuck, Joe? You know, I had a shot to shoot Kent Vela and Steve Tidwell. As dumb as this sound, I had a shot to shoot these two idiots. Because one lesson I learned early on is that dead men don't tell tales.

I've always known this. And that day I made the mistake and kidnapped Vela with Tidwell. I knew the only way I was going to get out of this now is by shooting them both. And I remember going, you know what? You knew that? I knew that when I got into the argument with them. When they came back in the air cleared, that Tidwell was going to rob me now. They'd become a double whammy on me.

I remember going, I have a 9mm in the car. It was 1.30 in the afternoon, guys. It's like residential area at 1.30. I could muzzle the fucking gun and shoot both these fucking morons. Until this day, I thought about it for like 8 minutes. I could go in there and just shoot these guys. I went into the trunk of the car, took the gun out,

went in my car, sat there, pulled the fucking thing back, and I go, I could shoot these guys and just drive away, and nobody will ever know. I'll shoot them at six, seven feet distance, so the blood doesn't hit me. I'll go home, get rid of the clothes up in the mountain. And that's it.

I had, this is how you think in two minutes. This is the decision you made. And something came over. I got this warm feeling. I got like this anxiety. I started to cry, and I felt really bad for the thoughts I had. When I tell you that story,

You're like, Joe, that's a great fucking story. You know, Joe Diaz and I love you, but he's sounding like a fucking pussy. So for 20 years, I sounded like a pussy in my mind. I was like, you know what? Because you didn't kill those guys? Because I didn't kill both of them because I reneged on that deal in my mind.

And that's why I went to jail. And I'm not ashamed to say this. This is my thought mentality is. But you know what? I'm not a killer. No. And that's why I didn't kill him. You know what?

Joe Rogan is not a fighter. If not he would have fought me. UFC. Tate's not a fighter. Tate's doing other things now. Tate's a business owner. Tate opened up a jitza school in a gym. Tate counsels people with mental health problems and with drug problems. You know, Joe Rogan, you know,

if you don't do something, and I'm here for a year. And that came to this conclusion at 5 in the morning last night. That all this time I had been thinking, like, Joe, that's a great fucking story. Tell that to some blonde chick. You know what I'm saying? Don't tell me that story, because it depresses me. And guess what?

That's why that story happened. That's why I didn't kill Stephen Tidwell. Because you're not a killer. Because I'm not a killer. You know, I feel bad. Have you guys seen what they did to that dog? No. The guy stabbed him.

The dog got a thousand stitches. And then they hit him in the head with a show. When the dog lived, they stitched him up. Oh, thank God. And they're going to press charges on the guy tomorrow. The guy stabbed who? A dog. A dog.

The guy stabbed the pit bull out of nowhere? Now the guy's saying that the pit bull attacked him. But the people at the health clinic are like, listen, that dog came in here, half dead and he was licking us. That dog wouldn't attack himself, so you better rethink your fucking story. And on top, if he did attack you, you went and stabbed him with a shovel.

Most people would stay in the house. You came back with a shovel and hit him on the fucking head ten times. You know, I can never do something like that. To try to kill him? I can never hit an animal. I can never shoot an animal with a gun to try to eat. I can never do any of these things, but that's the way, whoever the higher

power has put me on this fucking planet. That's the way it was figured out. You know, when I came to that conclusion today that I wasn't a pussy, I just wasn't a killer. I don't think you're a pussy at all. Joe wasn't a pussy for not fighting. He just wasn't a fighter. And thank God, he became one of the best comics working. He's a great fucking announcer.

He's great with all that stuff. He's helped me dramatically. Tate's a great businessman. Why does that guy stab the dog? Why would he stab a pit bull? Sometimes in life, you know, you think that you did something wrong, but it was your direction in the right way. You know, I just, it's the fucking weirdest thing.

It's crazy to think about it at 5 a.m. Yeah, and I woke up and stayed awake after that way to go to bed. I started tweeting, suck my dick, and fuck the Gentiles. So that, you know, so I didn't have the guts to call her. Oh, that's where you're going on. It wasn't about the guts. It was, I don't know, I just didn't want the drama. I didn't want to face the music right now.

I didn't want to, I don't know, I don't even think I'm prepared to sit there. I know what it is. I've done it too. Just pussed out a little bit. Yeah, you just push out sometimes, but maybe sometimes on the other side, it's the right move, and I don't know that yet. The day I pushed out of shooting those guys,

I didn't know that yet. When Joe Rogan decided he didn't want to fight no more, he didn't know that yet, that this was the other side of that. So sometimes you don't know something. So that's the lesson I learned in Denver this fucking weekend, and it played out to that stupid thing that for 20 years I've been living like a pussy,

I should have shot Vela, and I went ahead of the chance in Tidwell. But thank God I didn't. I did something with that energy. You know those guys now? I always thought Tidwell was going to show up this weekend. I had a funny feeling that time. Why this weekend? Because I was in Denver.

Oh, oh, oh, okay. Vela, I talked to him. I apologize, and we've been playing Thumb tag for the last month. Really? Yeah. Sorry about the kidnapping. He's not doing too bad. Too good right now.

I think he's back on the booze. His mother's sick, so. that affects people a weird fucking way. What's that? What's that? Coyote. I thought it was a coyote. What are you thinking?

How are you feeling, guys? I'm pretty fucked up. It looks beautiful. What are you thinking about the spicy pepperoni from Subway sandwich? No, I have Tris Lachis for her mom's birthday. How many letches? Tris. How big is the piece?

It's like that big. It's normal piece. How many calories do you? Trace Lichis has that with 1,000. How many you got left? How many points? Like 700. Look at you.

Can to go over? No, I don't know if all the cake I'm going to try not to. But I was thinking about something we talked about on Thursday. You got mad at me because I was stuck at a plateau when I went to the gym two times in a day. That's an earthquake. No, there's me going with this. Sorry. What was the cake?

What was the cake? Trace. It's so good. No, what was this cake? Oh, death. Death? It's like, I don't know. It's like chocolate.

But anyways, you got mad at me and you're like, you're going to burn out. And I was thinking about, like, the reason I think I get so interested in your drug stories is because I know I'm an addict. I mean, I have that. Every one of my family is addicted to something. I know every time I gamble, I love it. And, like, it sounds. How come you don't take a fight to the mouth? Why don't you love that?

Because I'd be addicted to that. Why don't you take a fight to the mouth? We're ready for another brownie? No. But I was like. You can't walk on one leg. Yes, you can. Let's break the devil open.

Let's try that devil. No, I got another devil. I got a white devil. What's the white devil? This is the black devil? That's the black devil. Oh, it's got blood eyes. Oh, yeah, look at the white devil.

Oh, I say... Which one we're going to eat? You see, this isn't my idea. Yes, it is. He's our gasoline. I think blackisholid. I had three quarters of one. I'm fine.

That's it. You have a taste of black dead with gingerbread. Wait, what time do we eat that? Is it still coming? Oh, God, yeah. Well, you probably have a better metabolism than I do, so who knows, but I think so. No, you do have an addictive personality. And I think, like, I get addicted to the numbers going up, but I realize, like, yeah,

Like it was bad Like I felt bad That I was there For a second time that day And it just It's a weird thing When you're losing weight I'm sure you dealt with it

Like you love seeing the numbers go down So you start doing stupid shit Doing you're going too far Then you crack your leg open Or then you're like You're like I can't do it today And you don't do it at all It's the law of diminishing returns

And he has to jump on something else He's got to take a Yeah Read a book So take a weight lifting He's been on that thing For three fucking months now So what he's losing 55 pounds

He's losing 55 pounds But somewhere along the line He's gonna play a plateau He's saying do a different kind of exercise. Oh, right. What exercise do you do now? Just the elliptical.

What's the epileptical? The fucking thing. The running? Yeah. Just cardio, all cardio. That's all been. You know what, man? I think I'm just scared of weightlifting.

I bought a thing to learn how to do kettle. What do you do? You watch TV while you do cardio? Yeah, I bring my iPad. Change the game. When you can watch a fucking movie right there and lose yourself in it? You get high? No, I got high once.

What's he doing? That's how you can go a long time, Joey. You're responsible for teaching them. No, this guy. Joe, it reflects badly on you. This guy. This fucking guy. It took me a year to get him just a 24-hour fitness. Right, right.

He's going to call this guy. This guy didn't answer the phone. He went to the park. The guy wasn't bad. The guy quit. It was a nightmare. I hated it. He hates it.

He hates that shit. So I've been telling him to do something different because what is he going to do when you... Now, what are you going to do when you lose the way? That's it. How about this one? You're never going to go back again? That's on doing. So you're going to walk until fucking you're a thousand.

Skis. Because you're going to have to find something that you enjoy. You have to join the basketball league where they practice twice a week and they play two games. Go join comedian's basketball league. So you run. So you have to do something. This way isn't going to just tell you. What are you going to do once you lose the hundred?

Oh, no. Crime fight. Nighttime crime fight. You see Jonah? Get back to the community. You see Jonah Hill? Of course you getting the way back. All the way.

All of it. Everyone, it happens to everyone who lose. It just like alcoholism. But not all of it. I didn't lose. I kept off the 400. No, that's pretty obvious. What are you got now?

What are you at now? 309. 309. And what did you get down to with the first time? 270. Wow. That's not bad. No, that's not bad.

I'm dickering. I'm 300. This dead and the thing killed me last week. I've been dickering. But you must have had like a point. Like when you got down to 270 and started going back up, what point made you stop again? Because that's... Because he went past where I think his goal was like $2.80.

And then we got down $270. He's like, oh, I got room to give. Do you know what I was doing? What? I was doing what he's doing. What? All or nothing? I was walking.

Once you give up that walking, when I first moved to North Hollywood, I would walk Terry to the train. Yeah. And then I would walk all the way to Riverside, all the way back up to hunger, all the way back up to my house. I would leave the house at 8,

and I wouldn't get back to 9.30. Then I would not eat or eat. Then I would go to the gym. So this is why I'm very happy about one thing. over the knee surgery, I lost weight because I signed up to the thing he told me my fitness plan. Now, well, you don't have to do no more, don't add your exercise in that.

Well, yeah, that was a mistake I made early. Don't add it in that. Don't add. You eat the calories. Don't even think. So you can't do that. Just go straight. Because you're like, oh, I can make this up. Just go straight.

Right now they give me $1590 a day. And today I did $700 on the elliptical. So you get those back? You could. You could. So if he ate the $1,500. Didn't think about the 700. Yeah.

He'd lose. Well, that's what I'm doing now. 22,000 pounds. That's what happens. I became too dependent on that walk. On the walking, yeah. The working out and the kickboxing. Because then your habits don't change, too.

Because your habits, you keep eating. So then you cut the walking out, you don't change. You keep eating the same amount and it goes back up. Oh my God. I used to go to 9. There's an 8 o'clock kickboxing class right down the block there. Yeah. At that place, it's tremendous from 8 to 930.

By fucking 11 o'clock. Yeah. My stomach would eat itself from the inside out. Really? I would hear the stomach open up. I try to eat like my lung. Like, that's how hungry I was. And Lee, I was not hungry for, you know, five almonds.

It was like I had hunger for a steak and a baked potato and a salad and a milkshake. And it was fucking overwhelming. Like it was just like, I can't do it. And I would do what you do. I eat a sandwich, lay down and go, I can't do that. Get up, eat another sandwich. That's my problem with the edibles right now. Half a bag of fucking.

I'll go to bed. I'll go to bedroom, but then after an hour, I'm like, fuck it, I got to eat something, and then it's, like, downhill. What I'll do is this. Non-stop. Yeah. And you go crazy. You can't just have three chips and then put the bag away.

Because it gets better as soon as you tasted. Oh, yeah. These are good idea. This will kill you. Just so kind. Something sweet to knock this down would be good. And then you had that, like, well, better cancel it out with some chips. Just so kind.

Oh, God. When I used to eat the cooking. What's so kind? That's the label. The brand. So kind. So kind. I like the fucking presentation.

That's the devil. We're going to eat that before we leave them. Oh, my gosh. When I would eat the whole cookie, when I got home and I, it was overwhelming. Like, I would eat and then something. And you know what else makes me hungry? Or a metal. Moving metal?

Don't think. When do you move metal? When you move the kettlebells or any type of weight? Makes you hunger. That's a complete different metal. I didn't know that either. That's why when you leave there, you have to drink a protein. Protein.

You need protein right then. Soon as you get out. out of that, bam! Because if not, you're fucking star. Like, I lift the weight for the first time. I want to, Mike, John Evans, and lifted at his house. Fucking tremendous setup, guys.

He's got these new weights. They're 30, 45 pounds. They don't feel 45 pounds. They're rubber on the outside, but, oh, my God, fucking tremendous. What do they feel, more or less? They felt, on top of you, they feel like 45-pound plates. But when you pick them up to carry them,

they're, like, amazing. The bar feels light. It's just amazing what they've done. They've done great shit with fucking everything, you know. So what's been going on with you, Cocksucker? You went to Denmark, too. They had excellent weed. I didn't even talk.

Yeah. They have some of the best weed I've ever had. Denmark has amazing weed. Where do they get it from? They have a lawless area in the middle of Copenhagen. Do they grow it over there? They grow it. Wow.

All sorts. I mean, I'm like, You have setivas, you have indicas. It's like, yeah, these are here, these are there. I mean, they have selection that you don't get fucking anywhere. It's a legit quality? Hash? I didn't like hash.

You don't have to buy it then. That's true. They got two rules there. No taking pictures and no running. Is it like a black market? Yeah. It's the green light district. That's what they call it.

How come you can't run? It freaks everybody out. So you can't run. We don't like to run it. Put that away. It's this fucking, it's this, it's this, the army left. And they left all these barracks up and squatters moved in. They started fucking doing their own shit.

Oh my God. You just ate the devil's brain. I'm going to eat the eyeball. I want the eyeball. I don't have a choice to my. Not really. Uh-oh. Deliciously.

No, it's not. Delicious. Taste him. Somebody wrote up to tell me that he's not coming to see me in Dayton because I chew on microphone. My podcast. It's disgusting and I will not stand for it. It's a weird stance to take.

There is a weird stance, especially when I'm not doing it. That's like, well, I won't be doing it now. I'll be doing comedy. Lee, pop that in your mouth. I already did. That's delicious, too. That white chocolate and nutritious. Delicious and nutritious.

Jesus, Joey. What is that? We're just talking about weight loss. It's fucking. That's hard for me. The sugar's hard for me. Really? They're giving up the sugar.

Well, do you work out? Because you talk about eating a lot of candy. I eat a lot of candy. But then I'll get high and I'll forget to go eat. Like, I'll be hungry at like one. I'll be hungry at one. And then I won't go to eat till five, six. I keep like procrastinating.

Like, oh, let me check my Facebook one more time. Well, do you think New York's helped with it? Because all that walking. I walk around a lot. Yeah. I walk around a lot. That's different. That makes a big difference.

It's non-stop. I took the train here for like the first time. It, like, I like, I like it really, I like it a lot. I'm taking the train. Clean as shit here, too. It's clean. Like, I think what's fucked up about L.A. is no one really talks to each other.

On the train, I had a stupid conversation with somebody. Nobody talks to them something in New York either. Well, they talk to you. They don't say nothing. You have human interaction. Sure. My armpit on your jacket. Yeah.

And then you have the fucking assholes in L.A. who walk on the street, walk when there's no walk signal and they get mad at you if you're like beeping at them or something. That's the worst. And I don't think you see that much in New York. No, New York is every man for himself. They all know. from themselves, but they'll run across the street.

No, I'm saying, yeah, it's like you just go whenever you want. Oh, these fucking people, they'll walk across the street like they think I know where to be. Oh, casually. And the younger they are, the slower they are. That's how they show their freedom. I wanted them with the fucking car. They fucking pissed me off. When I was a kid, I ran across Broadway, bitch.

Yeah. Ten times a fucking day. Say sorry, you hold your hand up like that you. At least you're a fake jog. Get a pep in your step. Yeah, the walk, the walk with your arms bent. Yeah. That's all I'm asking for.

Still the same distance, but like, we're going. No, it's, uh, there's a big, You like the train? Yeah, it was cool. Yeah, we couldn't go everywhere, though. That's true. It goes downtown. It goes downtown, but from where?

From up here? And it goes to Pasadena. Yeah. But not all the way to the ice house, though. I've asked. You can get to San Diego, too, from right near your place. You're going to walk and then get it. I don't know where it gets off in San Diego, but Eskeheda used to do it.

You take a train to the American Comedy Company, right from there. That'd be fun. Really? But I saw a guy that made me think of you on the train. What happened? This Mexican family, and this girl was pissed off. It was like when all five years. girls get really moody and stuff.

And this dad, like, you ever have misconceptions? Like, this guy had tattoos, and, like, I was like he was going to be a mean dad. They got on the train, that girl was climbing all over him. He was being really, like, it was really sweet. I just thought of you. Like, people might look and you, like, oh, he's going to, he won't be a great dad. And then I see you with mercy, and, like, you're counting and, like, you're saying, you're talking like yourself, but you're like, let's watch Peppa Pig.

Like, how do you like that? It's just some weird stuff. And it just made me think of you. I have a nice brother, but I love singing you were your daughter. Let's watch Papa Peppa, Cockucker. I have a good time. She digs it too. She digs the warmth.

What do you got over there, Lee? Is that a pen over there? Yeah, you want it? No, no, I'm all right. Well, I need a fucking pen for. What am I? I don't know, Peruvier. Pervere.

What the fuck is that? I don't think so either. He used the feather. No, he just rode the horse. Who gives a fuck? Maybe he had a sign for, but they just gave him the horse at the bank? Oh, shit.

What does that mean? It's Monday a little Tony Bennett. A little inspiration. Lee, what are we going to do about these Palestinians? What are we going to do? People are going to so mad. You know what somebody pointed out to me about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? What?

You know whose fault it is? And I was like, come on, you can't lead with, you know, whose fault it is. And they go, she goes, men. It's never any women there. It's all the men. That's true. Yeah, that is true. Well, did you see that, like, the British government voted to, like, vote to recognize Palestine as, like, a country today?

What does that do? This is a terrible conversation I have Why are you going to bring it up? I didn't bring it up I didn't bring it up So you're excited about your special It's two weeks away Two weeks away, two weeks and two days

How much material? 50 minutes? No 70, 75 Oh, it's an hour long Yeah Will they put it out the whole 75 If you like it?

Online, online That's cool Yeah, on the TV It'll be 44 But online Yeah, the whole thing will be The whole thing That's fucked up

that they got to take 30 minutes away. Fucking, you got to sell Snickers, man. How else is Snickers going to get eaten? Do you think, like, what it could, like, let's say, I know you can't afford it, but let's say a comic could afford buying all the ad time on Comedy Central? Do you think they would just run it straight? If they could, oh, yeah, absolutely. That'd be really cool.

Absolutely, they would do that. Yeah, absolutely. That would be fun if someone did that. I wonder how much ad time would cost at fucking 11 p.m. whenever they put these specials on. This is going to be an R-rated one. I mean, they're not giving me any. notes, I'm assuming.

I don't know. It's not like I'm a clean comic. You're not going to go up at 8 o'clock. No, no, no way. Probably not. I don't think I'm like at like 11 o'clock? Why not? Why not?

Why not? That's like the biggest kid's time ever. Fucking, yeah. Let him see what I'm telling them. You're 13. You're a grown man. I can put on Kat Williams on a special like at 12.

He curses. No, he curses, but they still beep him. So I think they beep N-words. But like last night, They had Team America World Police on and they didn't bleep any of that. Sometimes they have late night stuff where they don't bleep anything. I think they're always allowed and not believe stuff, but then it's just like sponsors. Oh, yeah, cable companies are not under FCC.

It's only like CBS and Fox. Cable companies are just like we don't want. But then FX does, they go, okay, we're going to say shit. And then the sponsors aren't going to leave. We're still going to get sponsors. I wish they would all do that. Just like, well, this is our new thing now. We're going to get better viewers because we're cursing.

They curse. Do they? Yeah. They don't say fuck. Remember the old shows they used to go like, stop there, fuzzball. They were to like get around it. But it sounded so fake. I love when they do it for movies now.

You're watching like on TBS. The redubs, yeah. Like, fudge you man. When I did Marin, you can't say certain words. Marin? Yeah. Oh, the show. Where you can say certain words.

So I remember that. Them saying you can't say suck or fuck. You can't say suck. Something crazy you couldn't say. But you know what? Hey, they work in half away with you. No, to me, it's like, get out of here. What are you talking about?

Shut up. out of here. Get out of here. We're talking like regular people. But we don't want to do that. You're getting my way. That's the whole reason why these are successful. And that's why some podcasts aren't because when some podcasts try to be like... PC or just like... Produced shows. Just even produced. Like, they fail. Say that we're going to lose sponsors.

Fuck that shit. How do you feel? Do you have... Is this old material? I'm ready to go. Some material that you have. I've been ready for seven months. Are you serious? I've been ready for seven months. You've been holding this material. They've been like, wait, way. We've got to... Congress Central's going to do that.

do it. I'm like, come on. And then they're like, all right, we're going to do it. And they talk when, and then it goes longer and longer, and I'm ready. I was ready to do a CD in fucking December. Last year. Yeah. That's the worst. When you have all that material. I'm like, let's go. And they're like, just don't. I'm like, let me just record it. Then you can figure it out

later. I almost just record it and said, I'll give you a month to ask them. That's amazing when you're ready to go. Yeah. When you're really ready to go and you know the material back, but the material always grows. Yeah, yeah. The material grows.

The more you say it, you find a little loopholes. To a point, but then sometimes it sort of stops growing. And you get sick of saying it. Yeah. And then I lost a couple stories to the storyteller show that I was going to do in the hour. So then I was like, okay, that revives me. I can do another 10 minutes of material or something, you know, replace it with. Yeah.

The festival you did in Denmark. How many sets did you do that? Four sets, short sets. You and Bob Kelly. Nope. And a Finnish comic, an Iceland comic, excuse me, and a Denmark comic. and a South African comic. In English?

Yeah, all in English. It's pretty interesting. The Icelandic comic, doing comedy five years. Comedy's a new thing in Iceland, and he's the number, like, top five comic in Iceland. Just dominating.

A country of 350,000 people. And they love Pablo Francisco. That's Iceland? Finland, I think. Finland. Yeah. But all that Scandinavian countries, man, they're all different,

but they're some funny people. When I saw a guy from Norway and London, that was funny. How was London for comedy? London was pretty cool. They take you the middle of Leicester Square, okay? He's got Chris Quail. Got me some spots out there. He took me the middle of Leicester Square, which is Times Square,

and he just started turning my body around. He started to point it to a building. He goes there. They do comedy there six days a week. Turn me a little more. That building there. They do a comedy there five days a week. That building there, seven days a week.

Right there, that's a comedy store. Seven days a week. Look at that one. We saw eight places without. taking the step just all around and there's fucking comedy shows every night all over London they pay you

yeah yeah 100 I mean I got in late so it was like trying to get in but it was like at least 100 pounds for like the pay gigs which is like $150 $180 for in town fucking 20 minutes sets if you wanted to I could see it

if you want to you can fucking run around do spot spot spot like every night spot spot spot spot How long were you there for? I was there for eight days. First two days I didn't do anything and then I did eight spots. And I saw my cousin. I hadn't seen 15 years.

My German side of the family. Mom. You have a German side of the family? Yeah. Yeah, my little, my dad's little sister moved to Germany. She married a guy. I moved to Berlin. I asked her because I saw her as an adult for the first time.

I hadn't seen her in like 15 years. It's like my older sister's wedding. And I was like, hey, was it weird moving to Germany? I mean, being, you know, from your whole family's survivors. She was too. She was probably too young to remember it. But like, she was a survivor? And I was like, was that weird?

And she goes, no, no. And then her son was like, what are you talking about? You said you had nightmares. The Nazis were coming to get you. And she was like, oh, yeah, yeah, that's right. I forgot. She moved and they started a life. And they were had a great life.

Simone, he's good. gone now. He passed away like a few months ago. But so then Yoram's living in London. I hung out with him a little bit. Let's back something up here while we're on it. Yeah. So how many people exactly went in the Holocaust?

Six million Jews. And how many people survived? The rest. We have a number. Well, no. I mean, we're not counting the ones that are living in America. We're talking about that we're there. We're affected by it. And affected by it. Yeah. I don't know. How many Holocaust survivors were there? You looking that up? It's a great fucking question.

I'm just curious because I can't imagine. There's almost none left. I can't imagine, you know, you think of your life and sometimes you put yourself in somebody's shoes. I was watching that girl Malala last week to her speech. She won the, some award. I forget, I'm sorry people. I'm just high right now.

But I watched it. And for four minutes while she was talking. Yeah. I was sitting and I put myself in her place. Like getting shot in the fucking head. Malala. Yeah, see an Indian girl, and then she got shot. Oh, yeah, yeah, the Nobel Peace Prize.

Mobile Peace Prize. I'm sorry, people. I just can't remember right now. I've been a long day. Yeah. And sometimes I do that. I go, I wonder what that person went to. Let me sit for five minutes and just be that.

I can never even imagine the Holocaust survive. I can never be, I can never imagine Fidel Castro walking into my home and saying, you're going to get the fuck out of here. You know, I asked a couple of survivors. They met the Holocaust. Holocaust and they started life together. But I was like, what? And they were telling me about the horrible stuff that was happening to them.

And I was like, what, like, what was going through your head of like, like doing it or not? Like, did you know what it all was or did you want to go on? He was just like, I don't know, you just keep going. This is the new reality. You weren't like this is an injustice. You just like, here's how we live now. But there's going to jail, okay? I get going to jail.

Yeah, this is different. I get going to jail. Don't get going to jail and not knowing if I'm going to die or get tortured. That's the feeling I can't imagine. Starved to death. And they're doing this to people like China and North Korea now, like the same stuff. They massacre people every day in Africa. You know, for diamonds or whatever the fuck they do.

And you sit there and you go, how can I justify this? You know, look at it did to the Armenians. I was watching a very interesting interview the other day. As much as I may not like them. He took me to some places, and I called the Boteas, and Boteas didn't answer. Bob, whatever, had on... Bob Costas had. Gene Simmons.

Oh, really? No, you told me about him. You told me about the Holocaust, and he took his mother back. Gene Simmons did? His mother was a Holocaust survivor. Raised him by himself. He found his father. Later on, he bought his father house, but he never talked to his father again.

Just some... And he goes, it all hit me when he went to Israel. Yeah. Because he remembered being a little... boy in Israel, how there was no electricity at night. That's it. Once it got dark, it gets dark. That's it. It was just

interesting shit and I sat there going, I can't even imagine going, but I could also imagine surviving the Holocaust and just being a bad motherfucker after that. You know how many of them, there was some story on how shockingly high percentage of them live to 100

the Holocaust survivors? Yeah, they're all like 90s or something. Yeah, there's so many that have hit the three digits. Think about it. They just said way more than the other average. Well, they have to have been strong people to make it through that holocaust. I mean, Jesus Christ.

I think it shows the value of a diet low in trans fats. You know, you have what they did to the Armenians. Wiped out the Armenians. Turks. Don't fuck with the Turks. And are they still at war? Armenia, you bring that up to any Armenian over 50 years old and they'll spit. The Armenians hate the Turks.

They hate the Turks. The younger generation, as much, but like the old ones too. Is there a country? Armenia right now. But actually, if you say Triplia, he'll get a little bit like, is there a country of Armenia? Yeah, I think so, right?

I don't know. Lee, you're college educated. I'm a fucking moron. I know there used to be, but I thought it was going. You think Turkey wiped them out? You think Turkey finished the job? Let's see. No, there's got to be Armenia.

I bet Armenia. I bet there's Armenia. Oh, no, it's there. It's Armenia. I saw the pictures. It's beautiful. Really? Beautiful country.

Beautiful country. Because I learned about this in Israel. Rens every. I thought they said it was gone. Mountains? No, wait, it's like, colored and red. Let me look at it. Hold on.

Keep talking. You know Felipe, his buddy, Silent Bob, Rodrigo Torres, is on Twitter. He told me one night when I was high. He told me the whole thing that just freaked me out. About what?

The whole Armenian, it's not a Holocaust, it's genocide. Yeah. They try to kill them all. Fucking amazing. And every day, That happens in Africa somewhere.

They try to wipe out the try or something. Wipe them out. They go door to door. Do you ever see Hotel Rwanda? They were going like, oh, these people. We've got to kill all these people. Oh, don't know. You can live like that.

God bless their fucking souls, whatever they are. What's up, Lee? Look at you. You're looking good. You got your little blue shirt. Oh, okay. I know. Fucking, uh-oh.

This is soup behind me. This is Lee's favorite little jammy, jam, jam, jam. Rogan was laughing about how high you guys. Oh, yeah. He was like, hey God, I'm so high. These edibles don't mess around. Show me your hand, cock sucker. Let me see your hands.

So you put the chocolate away. He'll palm it. I've caught him a couple of hands. I've done it a couple times because it's just so much. Especially at the ice house. He'll give me one and then another. That's the only time I ever had to say, I can't drive right now. I got to start.

And you got mad at me for driving. I had to go to work. I was like, you crazy? Yeah. I was, I mean, I was like, nah. That was way. I went to Bartnix for a while for a few hours. I can't do this right now.

What is the vision that you want your special to be? I want it to, I want you to have a little bit of the experience of what it's like to sit in a show at the comedy store. I want you to get as close as that as possible. What room are you doing it in? The original room. Because, and I've already said I thought Gerard Special was pretty good. I didn't like how they had the names in color. I thought it was distracting.

Same thing I said, yeah. Stole focus. Yeah, okay. Yeah. I think I'll let you turn to me. off? No, yeah, they are. Okay. No, no, absolutely. No, I talk to them. It's like, listen, how are we going to do this?

It's got to be dark. I'm like, well, then it's too dark. It won't look good. I'm like, well, then what's the fix? Because we're not lighting it up. So how are we going to do it? They say, you can't get any depth. Here's the thing with these people. And that means everybody. When they tell you something can't be done, it means it's going to be a little harder and you're going to have to put your mind to it. It doesn't mean it can't be done. You have to tell me why it can't be done.

And I'll say, no, let's try to find a fix for that. I'll talk to everybody about like, give me the reasons, give me the reasons. And this guys, there's young guys all over. The guy who did the first, this guy, Steve, did the first year of my, this is not happening stuff. And he was able to light it as dark as I've ever seen and still make it look good. And I'm like, what are you doing right? How are you able to do this?

And know everybody else says, turn the lights up. New people have new ways of doing it. So you've got to find a new way to do it. So they say, if the sense it's so black in there, it'll look like the wall just drops out behind you and it'll just look like endless, just look shitty because of that. I'm like, well, what are the options then? So what they thought, what Spike Lee thought, is turn the lights on. And that way you can see where the edges of the room are.

So. That doesn't matter, though. Like the whole point of watching comedy is to like get and grow. It doesn't matter where they are. You need to know the space you're in. Really? Yeah, a little bit. But then I say, too, it's like, well, let me see what it looks like when you don't see that. And let me tell you if like, if I can go like, no, actually, that's fine.

We can do that. Well, with the cameras they have now. They want jibs. They want jibs. They want something to come across. And I was at Hannibal's taping. in Chicago, and they have this giant crane that comes across the top of the audience, and they're like, no, it gets a good shot.

But 30% of the audience is looking up this fucking crane over them. Well, this guy's telling a joke. He's telling a setup, and they're looking up at this fucking crane. You've got to have the experience of real comedy. You've got to mimic that experience of real comedy. Here's my thought. If you get a comic who's just in a real comedy experience, because every taping I've been to, we did that nasty show in Montreal once.

We did 14 shows. They were all great. Then they did a taping on the 15th show. Maybe it was on the 12th show. And they put candles in the table, they lit it up a little more. And everyone did weird. And we didn't give a shit about taping Canadian television show. None of us cared.

None of us were nervous. It was just everyone was doing worse because they lit it up. They changed the room. If you show a comic who's really just killing, just like killing, you know, when the ice house is packed and you're fucking just killing there. Like, if you show that, I don't care if you lose a couple shots here or there. That look that you're getting out of that comic's face is going to be priceless. And they always want their shots clean, but they miss that.

That joy when you're fucking in the zone and killing. So let's tape that for once. Let's tape that. Well, they've gotten away. What's happened is this? The same thing that's happened. Look, there's no live fucking albums no more. There's nobody who tours besides these old guys

that know how to tour anymore for people who want to listen to music. Everybody's bringing an organ out on stage. Arcade fire tours. You know, what? Arcade fire tours. They put on a show. You see fucking Beyonce and whatever on stage. It's a fucking record player.

and people paying $2,000. I got nothing against them, but it's not a live show anymore. The live show has gone away, and the live taping has gone away because everybody tries to outdo everybody. Comedy between you and I is not a directable thing.

We've never been directed. Why is there a director here? To tell me what? To tell me what? I'd rather have a guy that's a bad comic direct me because he could have, like John Evans, said the Phil Jackson syndrome. I'd rather have one of my buddies come out and go, dog, step up to here.

I can't see you. Move up a little bit. So this director that comes in has ruined everything because he's tried to be better than the other guy. And with comedy, there's only one thing that matters. And it's here. Yeah. Just get the shot of the comic. That's it.

Nothing else matters. That audience laughing, that the fucking lights. The shot of the comic, the audience member laughing. Yeah. I'm like, I'm like, everybody wants to see another person.

My idol. Show the comic. Is that fucking crazy Jew guy. That's the special. Who? The carling guy? No, the other guy. The guy who got arrested

for saying fuck. Fuck. Oh. That's always been the special. That black and white thing with the suit on, yeah, dig, with that one thing from six,

that's it. That's it. And watch it. It's a camera on him. He doesn't have to smoke a joint with nobody. He doesn't have to, you know,

show his buddies. He doesn't have to, after I like Cat Williams Smoke on the joint with Snoop Dog There's certain things you do I don't want to see a sketch Right Well, Cat Williams had like an hour long movie

In front of his last one or two ago You know, I don't want to see a sketch In front of your thing Yeah I don't want to see you walking through it No one's gonna remember that part It might look cool but no one's gonna really remember that part Arby wasn't deep thought

No he wasn't I was thinking of a piece of ass That's what I'm talking about You're gonna waste a minute and 20 seconds Of your special on He should fuck it without a condom that's what he's thinking about you know

grab a piece of that on the walk but that's all I want to see so but every ego every guy with a feather that's come in thinks he's doing it better listen I don't know nothing

I know what this fucking Momo tells me yeah and this momo will come in here and go what do you think of this guy I don't know I'll go

I've seen him 10 times he's fucking amazing and I see this Comedy Central special that suck or I've seen his age Spial special. It's all tape things. It's not all tape things. Not all.

Because I've laughed at Andrew Dice. I've laughed at Eddie Murphy took me for a fucking swallow. Those guys, though, were theater acts, and they were recorded in a theater. I think they fit the thing they were recording. Well, I don't think Eddie Murphy was a theater act when he shot that. You know, I know Dice was just busting out when he did the one in Philly. you know where did I do that one

Philly what kind of place I think it was a club like a little theater we have to check the one in 91 maybe but it's you know he was huge

on the East Coast yeah already the these specials that I see now and it's right and I try to want you know

that's not what comedy is on a day-to-day level is Rick Mill still doing him I hope not I remember that as a kid and everyone everyone was the same

so They just got to a point where they're like, okay, this shot here, this shot here. It wasn't even a thing. And it's like what Ari was talking about earlier, the reason why they have a director at a comedy central, at a comedy taping is because they have a director for every other show. And every production company follows the same, you know, have this, have this many producers. The reason they should have a director, the reason they should have a director is to tell the rest of the crew to shut the fuck up to make sure they, they, to make sure they, to make sure they say, hey, I know this joke. He's got to act outcoming, make sure to, like, pull back so we don't miss it.

Things like that. That's all you're supposed to be doing. I'm not to forget what those fucking thieves. Who's the company, those fucking thieves that approached me? Oh, the one in Burbank? New Wave? Those those fucking jerkos. Yeah.

And I remember, oh, well, who's directed? Oh, we have a tremendous director. Our guy. We'll pay him as much. And he came out, this fucking jerk off. And I said to him, this is all I knew I wasn't shooting it. Right there. I go, hey, it's Thursday.

It's Wednesday. Okay. What are you doing Friday and Saturday? You know, right the way he started reaching, I'm at the Ice House. This is how, this is when somebody of interest goes. I'll be there. Yeah, of course. That's it.

Yeah, they just sit there and do the zeroest possible. I'm really excited. Let me go to the Ice House and watch this guy. Take a meeting with him, go at the Comedy Store, watch him do a 20-minute set. That's what the guy would do. Go to Long Beach. Then he's going to go to the Comedy Store and see how you interact with the people in the back. That's what a good director is going to do for California.

He don't need to be a director. He don't even need to go to Emerson College. You don't need to go to USC. He'll need to go to Pepper Dine and walk around with a fucking pigeon and tell stories about Europe. Nothing. This is what a director does.

He goes to see you five times minimum. A good guy? Ten times. He wants to see you bomb. He wants to see your reactions to bombing. He wants to see everything. That's what a good director is going to do. He's going to go, we're going to shoot this special in January.

It's October. it today. 13, we're going to shoot this in February. This is what we're doing. The whole month of October and December, I'll shadow you. Three nights a week. Give you notes on fucking Sunday. Not even notes. I'll make my own notes. I know what I want. And after a month, he'll know you. And then he's going to hang out with you. And he's going to go eat with you. And he's going to see everything because he's going to see you. Your mannerisms, your patois. You know, do you get angry?

All this shit, what pushes you. So he's going to know right then and there how to direct this special. That's a real director. He doesn't even have to have the title of director. If I was ever blessed to get a special, I'd use a good friend. I'd watch a comic, and I'd watch how he prepares myself to go on stage with the fucking microphones and the whole thing,

and that's the guy I want. The guy that's meticulous. I want the guy that I'm not. I want the guy to go, Joey. The other night you killed him, you said the word what. Tonight you said, fuck. You got to say what. I didn't even know what the fuck you were talking.

I heard the recordings. that's the guy I want. Do you ever think of how much better, and I still think it's pretty good, but where I got my balls from, I don't only know you like a year. Like I feel like if we did that now, that'd be totally different.

What the documentary? Yeah. I didn't even know you a year. You were taking these fucking shots from that. They taught them in school. I'm like, bitch. Really? Stop.

Well, that's what happens with everyone production companies. Because they teach you in school. It's the same shit. And then it becomes the sameness. Same shit. It's the same shit. And me, I want to be completely different.

You know what, do this shot. Unique. do this shot. You know what Maria Bansfordder special? In front of her parents? In her apartment. They sold a lot. Yeah, it's great.

Well, and I love specials, but that's kind of one of the reasons I love CDs. I almost laugh more at CDs than sometimes a video special. You can put yourself there more. You can really, yeah, you can hear the crowd. You can really hear the crowd. Yeah. You know, and you're really there. You hear their little crinkling of glasses.

I lock on to like one specific audience member, like a weird laugh throughout the entire show. All the old Red Fox albums had the fucking. I'm assuming gigantic black ladies that were sent up front. That's it. That was great. Yeah, that's it. They were just laugh, super laugh. But everything is like that.

They do that with everything. With everything now, if Ari takes a script to NBC, them on, it's a brilliant script. That was great, but where's the love interest? I don't have a love interest. I don't want to fucking, oh, no, no, no, no, no. We have to go back to the love interest. That's worked in the past doesn't mean it will continue working forever. Stuff changes.

Stuff changes. I watched a very interesting movie. Alphabet said he used to be tough. Hell's Kitchen used to be tough. Now lawyers live in Hell's Kitchen. I watched an interesting movie yesterday. What's the movie with Bruce Willis and Damon Waynes? I don't know.

Oh, Last Boy Scout. You see that? Yeah, when he shot the guy in the head right in the beginning? In the beginning. When was the last time you saw that movie? It's been since I was in high school. 20 years. Yeah.

It's amazing. I used to watch it when I was broke and coked up. My friend would come get me. And he'd say my wife made her. She was Chinese. He was one. And his wife would make tremendous Chinese food. Really?

They knew I was coked up. They knew I was broke. And he would come get me, take me to the house. They would leave me in their house and go, stay here, we're going to cook for you. They'd stay there for two days, and I'd watch. The last boy's got over and over and dreamer like being an extra in that movie. Anyway, the movie was on last night.

It's a Shane Black movie. You know what Shane Black wrote, Leitha Weapon. If you watch these two movies, I'm watching it last night. I'm like, this is still an entertaining movie. Damon Wayans acting was probably some of the best, some of the worst acting. Damon Wayans, that's right. You ever see in all your life.

Danny Wayans. Holly Berry had the old nose, the Michael Jackson nose before she did the surgery. Eddie Griffin was great. Is that the one where he fucking, where he headbutter the guy that knows and killed him, Bruce Willis, where he said, touch me again, I'll kill you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He knocked out of him, touched me again, I'll kill you,

punch out of nothing again. That was the guy from, uh, he said, son's anarchy. Oh, really? And the comic is in the movie. He's like an alternative comic. He was also in Ford. And he's the bad guy in there.

Rick Doekerman's in the movie. I saw a lot of fucking people in that movie last night. Who was the comic in Last Boy Scout? In The Last Boy Scout. IMDB, this is a comic that's big time. He's still around. He's old. He looks like he's got the Hiv.

IMDB is a very sponsor. I just saw him the other day on TMC. Really? Yeah. He's a Spanish guy. Was it named Milo? Yes What?

Mother what? It's an unknown Hold on I'll find it He's also on easy money He's a Spanish guy Okay Is it a comedian?

Yeah I see him at the store But he was always Taylor Negron Taylor Negron He was in that Taylor Negron He was in a lot of stuff

Taylor Negrin He was in fucking fast times Who ordered the pizza Isn't that Taylor Negron? Yeah Taylor Negron wasn't a couple things He was great in easy money He played riding

He said-in-law, and Rodney won't shake his hand and shit. Spanish. Tremend he's great. Let me give some shout-outs here real quick. Frupty mushroom Christmas. Jake Gomez, who loves you, cocksucker, Johnny Doe, Tommy G., Richard and Juan,

you fucking, it's like a team of dick, Scotty Brader, Ricky Norm Badoyne, Aaron Heath, and Jeff Taubberg. I love you, cocksuckers. Who are these people? These are people who listen to the podcast that they're legit savages? I would love if someone would find your podcast notebook and just read through it.

Those notes, you know, things you want to talk about. Have your sonica, the hip, on it. Why wouldn't I come here a little prepared? If I come here, I might get high. That's right. That's smart. Who said another bite of the fucking devil? Who said?

Where is it? Where to go? It's in the desk. Look at this weed I got. This is what fucking my man gave me. This is beautiful in Colorado. This is a... Can I get a nug of that?

Can I get a little bit? Yeah, you can take this with you. This is the Kemp dog Oh really? Yeah, I think this what you I brought this for you I know I give it to Lee and I do that We got a chance to go right to show them

Show them the joint Lunt of death I'm going to smoke this afterward Lee We're going to smoke the whole fucking thing To the bone We're going to smoke it right there right here The filters the size of your head Oh my gosh

That's crazy Today You know when I When I we're doing the podcast over At Lee Lee had a roommate That lived with him for a real cute girl just a fucking dying of my body you just brought you back to Bean 22

when you look to the girl and you're like oh that girl's got a body to fuck yeah and you took a home and fucked all afternoon and you saw her at the bar at night they giggled and shit you're like this fucking girl doesn't even know how good a pussy is

and I used to see you sleeping on the couch and I go leave when you go put your dick on the mouth and he's like I can't do that I go wait once she just put in her mouth she'll love it whatever you tell me to walk out in the middle of the night when she's sleeping on my couch and just put my dick in her mouth

this is now your girlfriend No, no, this girl is just a friend from home who I stupidly said could stay in my place. That's, that could, I see how that could work, but if it doesn't, that could easily be right. Then he's like jerking off on her neck. He told me terrible. That's better. That's better. That's better. I go, Lee, what do you got to lose?

So, Lee, and she moved down, moved with her brother and met a guy and got a job. That's fine. She didn't pay rent. She didn't pay rent. Lee was all happy with it. But the bottom line that was fucked up was that I kept telling Lee, I go, Lee, and Lee's like, how am I going to live? If I do that, go, Lee, you're not going to be friends. I'm going to live.

Yeah, how are you going to live if you don't? How can you live with yourself right now? So today Lee calls me, he goes, I found that son today. It's pretty funny. She went back, you know. Went back what? To Boston. And I'm like, you know, she was probably here a year.

Yeah, just that. A year? A year, exactly. And at first I was like, Lee, see, you should have put your dick in her here. She was leaving anyway, so, see, you'll never have to see again. But then I liked her. You know, I was joking with Lee. I liked her, and she was a cute girl.

and she was a young girl, you know. And it's funny how me, Lee and I were telling them about how when you just give up, where you just go and leave it. Who? From L.A., you mean? It's so weird, I feel so sorry for them. And they don't ever admit it. They always go, no, I'm just going to go do this for a little bit. And every once in a while, some people have come back.

But for not long, not for long. Well, what happens is basically, you go back and now you see the holes in your game. You go back? mean? Well, when you leave after high school or college, you think it's always going to be like that. When you leave what after high school or college? That area. Like when you left.

Oh, my. But eat that wish. That's you. Oh, come on, dude. We're going deep to them. You've already lost all this weight. You're doing great. Just keep eating it. What the fuck? Eat the whole thing. You're going deep time. Oh, no. That's a nice cookie. It's gluten-free.

No, it's a new chef. Chef Boy, R.D. But I left Colorado. I left Colorado. After nine months and the whole time I was back that I cursed myself. Oh, just take a bite. We just eat that bite right there. Eat that thing. Just throw in your mouth like, oh, you're so high.

That's okay. You're gonna get a little higher. Nothing good. And give me that for that. What, the eyeball? I'm at the eyeball. I hate the eyeball already. Let me get the other side.

Oh, God. What are? It's cookie, man. It's not the taste. It's just the amount of highness. Oh yeah. We got one more. Oh.

No, what? Relax. Those Los Gumi's guys came to my taping. Oh, yeah. I was that next in the first night. All the producers are, are those Lagoski L'Gi's guys back again? Eric said he had like,

I gave him what was leftover of one. Eric gave him, I think we had some, and then I left. He goes, I've had that, whatever was left over from you, I've had that four times, and there's still some left. And it gets me fucked up every time. Those things are strong.

But I left. The peanut brown now. Oh, yeah. I left Colorado and I felt like a fucking asshole. Why? Because the whole time I went back to Jersey, it was just bad luck. It was just bad luck getting worse and worse and worse. And I'm like, why did I fucking leave Colorado?

And once I made a point, once I saw myself homeless, I was like, this, I'm done. Once I get the fuck out of here, I'm done. When? I left and I never came back. This is in 1985. I left. I left, I left Aspen in February of 84. and I made it back to Colorado by June of 85.

And those were the worst fucking... What do you mean? You went to L.A. and then back again? No, I was living in Colorado. I left New Jersey. After nine months, I was like, oh, my friends are having a good time. They're snowing and blowing. New Jersey. They're going skiing. They're having such a good time.

Here I am bored. Going a bed of ten. I got my own apartment. What a miserable place. I don't live yet. I was living in an Aspen. When I got back on a fucking plane and went back, and it was the worst experience of my life.

Not only was it bad, but I felt bad about leaving, I had given up. But once I made my mind on living, leaving, I didn't come back for seven years, six years. Like, I never went back to New York. I never even thought about it. Like, now I go back twice a year, but I wouldn't even think about moving. I don't know. It was just some... You're such a New Yorker, too.

It's so weird. It was such a bad feeling of leaving something. It felt like I quit. Really? Yeah. I remember being a kid and hanging out at bars and guys would leave. Oh, Lee's back. He's back from California.

And he'd have, like, a party for him. And he'd come back and tell you how fucking tremendous. I'm fucking three blondes. I live on the beach. And I'm like, what are you doing? And then like, three months. He's back. I'm like, what happened?

Oh, you know, fucking California sucks, man. It sucks. I'm surrounded. There was no bagels. And you sit there. Well, you didn't tell me that last time. You said it was great. And you were killing it.

And that was everybody. Like, that was that people left to go to the Army. Sour grapes. They get sour grapes. Yeah. And they come back and go, oh, fucking you guys should come out and visit. And then you see them at the bar one day. You're like, what happened to the Army?

It sucked. They sent me to Japan. Yeah, they never offered that, too. They just sort of like wait until you bring it up. Like, what happened to your big fucking plans? No, I'm good. I got this too. No, but it's just, I would feel really bad if I left.

Like, I kept, when I first moved to L.A. to do comedy. I didn't know how long was in the last year. Yeah, but how do those people show their face when they go back? When they get a job in Philadelphia, you know? And they're like. Think of like Andrea. Think of like that. Who?

The girl from the comedy store. She had to go back in a fucking Porsche. Didn't she buy a Porsche or something? Really? What did she lease? At the end? She leased like a Mercedes convertible when she was working. She started up a cookie store.

Right. She opened up a cookie thing. And then one day she got fired and she left. She went back there with a story that she lived in LA for 15 years. Then what are you doing back? I dated a... Yeah, why go back? Why not just go somewhere else?

Who do you know still there? When she went back. Go to Tucson. Like she left. girl left in the middle of everything. Where'd you go back to Indiana? Indiana and took a Porsche with her. She bought a convertible Mercedes.

She leased it. She started a cookie company. They threw out of the store and she picked up a shit and went back. And I always see her on Facebook. She was in L.A. too long. Yeah, but not back. No, no, no, no. But it's funny how when she went back, what is she going to say?

Yeah, what did she do for the last 15 years? You think about that too, right? You think about it. I worked at the comedy store. I dated a drummer from a band from David Lee Roth's band for a while. Yeah, and what else? What were you doing there, though? Did you go to college?

Did you get married? What did the fuck did you do? It was a waitress at one place. I mean, you know. The same place of 15 years? Probably. So you got to sit there and go, what the fuck, man? I mean, I feel bad about what I'm doing out here now.

At least I got a job. You know, at least I got a part-time fucking job. It's, it's, I couldn't imagine going back. It's like anything else. Yeah. It's like going back after you've been beat up. It's like going back after anything. You've got to feel bad about you.

yourself with being back there. So what's the name said about the Knicks? Carmelo. He goes, wouldn't feel right to leave. I didn't finish. I feel like quitting. Yeah, you got a. Unfinished business.

I feel bad for my friends on Facebook who I see her still living in like the same town. And it's not, they can even have good jobs, but like hanging out. What town? Jerusalem? Yes. And writing all the time Jerusalem. But like going to the same pizza places like that. I'm glad some people like it, but that's nice once in a while to go back to him.

Like, oh yeah, well go to the nut house again. or whatever, but not like, oh, it's still all the time. I don't know anybody. Last week of my hometown was the mayor's ball. Yeah. And that's what they all live for, the people in my own town. Because if you don't go to the mayor's ball, the mayor won't see you won't get a job. If I had to do that, I would have been so unhappy and I would have done so many fucking drugs that would have been my life.

You know, if you live in Northburg, if you get a job in Northburg, and you have to live in North Bergen, they don't tell you that. It's communism. They don't tell you that. What do you mean? It's just like an unwritten rule. Really? Yeah, it's very political. Wow.

But even like my hometown when I went back, and people were talking, I saw four or five people, and when they were bump into other people, they were talking about the mayor's ball. And that's the highlight. Of the year. That's it.

You wear your best suit, and the mayor sees you, and he meets your wife, and hopefully you take a picture, and hopefully when it comes election time, and time to renew your contract, the mayor remembers you from the mayor's ball. They sell 2,000 tickets,

at $150 a piece Whoa Wow what a racket I was blown The fuck democracy The first time I had all these demons Going on

But I was in a deli one day Called Hashways And the Mock administration came in Ashways And his eyes This guy Joe Mockles Yeah His eyes were blue

And they had to kill his eyes And I remember that I was eating And I always said hi to Joe I would say hey Mr. Mocko Because I knew his brother's Brother's brother was the mayor But Joe did all the cleanup work

from Joe is the devil. And I never forget being there one day, and he came in, he was going to say, he was this guy named Carmine Pilechio. He looked at me, and he goes, amen. You've been having a good time for a long time. You ready to go to work? Really?

And I was like, yeah. And right there when I said, yeah. He's like, all right, write your number down. We're going to give you a few calls pretty soon. I'm like, I don't have a number. Just leave your message with Ashway, and I'll call you. Right there when I was talking to him, I knew that I was leaving.

As I said, yeah. Why? Because that means you get caught up in a political thing. You have to pick a side. And once you pick a side, Joe Mocko wasn't the type of guy that sent you a message. He sent you a message by breaking your business

or lighting your fucking business. They really do that. This was that Mocko mentality, that administration, Carmine Bousana. This is the mayor's brother, his cleanup guy. Is it a boarder of a kid? All those guys, those mayors, you see them, they look very nice on paper.

Yeah, but they all, they have one guy that does all their cleanup work. That they've known for 50 fucking years since they were kids, and they do the dirty work from. Like Mike in Breaking Bad. Whatever the fuck it is, you know. Most attorneys have that, except if it's a big law firm, you've got to have somebody on that side of the track to know what you're going up against. Right. So a good attorney, you come to me and go, I'm a big-time drug deal. I got caught for transportation, whatever the fuck they call it.

You know, I'm going to take a half-million retainer on you, but I guarantee, before I cast that check. I want to do a background line. I'm not talking about an NCIC. I'm talking about a street background. Like, there's this guy a killer. What is he capable of doing? What is he capable of not doing?

And you're not going to find that out by, on a piece of paper, or by talking to a detective, you're going to find that out. You know, they have those people. Talking to people on the street, what they say about them? What are people that are not attorneys? Parallegals. Parallegals. You know, they have paralegals.

I've always wanted to be a paralegal, but more in the sense of loading people's lips. Because there's a lot of people that don't know that other side of criminality. You know, when I was telling you guys that story before about, I know, it changes. But the basics of criminality, I know them. I know the streets.

Everything was paid for me to become a criminal. I just took a different route. but I know the heartbeat I know how it works I know how the bribes work I know how the thing goes down from A to Z if Lee was the mayor of North Bergen

he wouldn't do what I do Lee would pay me to do what I do Lee would never have to say bring this envelope to Ari because he would feel that I had a tape recorder on me all right so there's so many things that Lee has to protect himself

with you know everybody's in shock at that fat fucking church or he would never say he's like all right well I don't know I don't know you talk about and then someone else would come talk to you know everybody always says,

how come the fat guy, Governor Christie, doesn't run for president, Jersey. It's not like it was 30 years ago. You could run for president. Now, they'll find everything out about you. Right. You know, why? Because Donald Trump was,

while Sammy the Bull of Gravano was alive, Donald Trump will not run for president. I like to watch my wife get fucked by black guys. Yeah, every day he wakes up and he goes, I hope Sammy Garvano doesn't rat on me today. Really?

Yeah, sure, because Sammy Gravano ran construction. for the Gambinos. Who was the biggest guy in the construction racket days? Trump in those days. They crossed paths. In his book, he mentions it.

He goes, he explains how a GC works with the mafia, how it works. How a GC works to the mafia. So general contractor will come on and give you a fucking bid, but he'll use non-union worker. So he'll give you a bid.

I'm paying Lee $32,000 an hour. I'm paying Lisein-Lortez-15. But I'm charging $32. dollars. So 17 goes in my fucking pocket. I split that with the mom. And you get shoddy, shoddy workman. They have a union.

So that's why they take over a union. You understand me? So they take over carpenters 560. So that way they can be use union work? I go, I put a bid in with him. He's going to take the highest bid. He don't give a fuck because he gets a cut of the highest bid. Who gets a

cut of the highest bid? You. The union guy. The union guy. Oh, right. Oh, right. So you're going to go with the Paias bid, but Ari, this guy wants $3,000. I'm going to give you a $50,000 payback. Okay, a cutback. So right away, boom, you take this guy. I use, instead of using 16 guys at $42.50 and eight laborers or four hard carriers that I'm supposed to have a union job, I have 12 guys at $10 an hour, and two guys at $8.

bucks and out. So that becomes a lot of fucking money in a week. I take that money and I chop it up with the mob. The mob has 20 jobs going on. Then they can have those show jobs, show no work jobs. No show, no work, the whole thing. It's a beautiful

fucking thing. That must be fucked up if you work to become a general contractor and then you have to learn, fuck, I have to pay the mom to do this. Or like if you buy a restaurant in the neighborhood and then you're like, oh, the cops come by and yeah, we just give them $2,500 bucks. You know how long that laugh factory in fucking Chicago took the open?

How long? How long? How long? Because they were fucking with the guy from Zanis. So he kept trying to get a shut down? Not shut down. Come here. You're the inspector.

He's $5,000. Shut them down. Ari, you know I like you, but that toilet's three inches off center. What? Oh. And then I come back, Ari. You know that you have to have a handicapped bathroom and a handicapped stall and a handicap pole and a handicap this.

Then once you build that, I come back and go, no, the pole has to be 36 inches from the fucking ground. I thought he said 39 inches. No, 36 inches. And there has to be a water spom. What if the retard falls off? He has to hang a Vibel to ring. We have retard resistant rubber floors like you told us.

It's amazing how much I could keep you and fucking look at the ha-ha. The ha-ha-ha-long-a-one-upon-the-new-ha. Hasn't open yet. What do you mean the new ha-ha? There's a new ha-a-mile down the road on Lancashion. from a mile from the old beautiful how beautiful is the outside it looks nice on the outside

fucking beautiful they're supposed to move or what or just get a second location that we're going to move okay and uh city holds it up city holds it up

why somebody didn't want to bar close Mitsy used to always go after like any shows that were around and House of Blues do comedy no no they won't do comedy and then you know on the sunset strip yeah

I give a lot of money of these people their things how often do you think that happens than regular jobs. That's crazy. Remember that Sopranos is like three episodes where they're all sitting around at a work site? They all have all their meetings there

because they had the fucking show. Why do you mean show? Get me a no work, no show. Like, I couldn't. I'm sorry. But it's like, motherfucker. I had like two or three no show jobs I lived in Jersey.

I had a job that had a stand by a wall at night. And I got paid from six to six. But the guy would pick me up at 11 o'clock at night. To be done. Boji, he was a union rep. He would give me like $200 for the night. Then I picked up another gig in a grammar school. They got me in North Bergen, Janet's job, in the grammar school.

All I had to do is show up once a week and pick up a check every two weeks. That's awesome. I would pick up like, I would show up on Mondays, put my shirt on and do the paperwork. Like how many hours I worked, 8 to 5, and then one day of overtime, but I would leave. He put it in overtime. One day. Your motherfucker. You got to get accomplished it.

fucking amazing how many no show jobs were around when I was growing up fucking amazing just because the union got a part of that like they're like we'll give this guy eight bucks but then we'll get 24 whatever he costs it's a great racket

I don't understand how nobody's ever done it here like nobody's gone to the electrician union and Hollywood and go here's the deal bitch you know you're not doing these guys movies that's what Get Shorty was all about Get Cartar it? No get Shorty No get Shorty

No get shorty I don't know. Yeah, surely he's a good fucking movie. I haven't seen in the while. What's his name is tremendous in that Dennis Farina and Gene Hickman. Steals the fucking show, Gene Hacman. Gene Hickman's good in a couple of those movies. He was good in that movie with Sigourne Weaver,

the chick, and fucking Sarah Silverman. Remember the movie he did when he was killing homeless people? He was a doctor, and he was with Hugh Grant, too. Hugh Grant was a young doctor. He was telling him how to do it. He was fucking doing research on homeless people. And then Hugh Grant was like, well, you can't do this. This is unethical.

And honestly, the more I think about it now, the more I realize like, yeah, man, yeah, of court. Yeah, that's fine. It's for the better good. You get a few homeless people. No one's going to miss them. And then everyone else lives a lot longer. Just trade lives years for years. There's a lot of fucking homeless people.

Yeah. There's a lot of fucking homeless people, man. Yeah. Any way you go, there's tons of homeless. Not in Denmark. No? They shoot them? No, they fucking get them help.

They don't allow it. That would be, you know. That's what you got. We're paying tons of taxes. I don't know where this fucking money's going. You're saying you wish some of the money went to shooting homeless? No, I'm just saying that, you know, it's true. They're cleaning them up, getting them help.

What do you mean? There's a human out there in the company? Yeah. Did you see, like, one college in London got, like, pretty bad backlash? Because they put cages over, like, the heat exhaust? vents and like they were saying oh it's dangerous but they just didn't want the homeless people sleeping under them in like a freaking cold

London winter and they put a cater to people got really upset. Fuck them. Yeah. Fuck them. That must be fucked up slipping outside. Oh and then somebody puts a cage up like come on we just want the steam from the fucking you're not even let us have the steam. I used to hate that in Boston or New York where you

walk by a closed business and it's like they have a whole house set up and it's like a what set up? Like you know like when you're walking on a street in New York has like they have the doors that are a little bit in like they're pushed in from the street doors on the ground? No doors like the doors of the restores. Yeah?

They're pushed in and pushed in. Like if you're walking down the street you have to like turn left into it and they're hidden by walls. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You're just talking about every store? Yes and but then homeless people are sleeping under the door frame. Oh. Yeah, that's what I was saying. I still don't. I'm not sure I'd get

all that set up with the frames and the The other day, I took the baby to the park. Yeah. I was pushing around the swing. I'm watching this dude. First, I look over and I see a guitar, a suitcase, another bag against the fence. And then I see a guy taking a shower in the water fountain, like wetting his hair and brushing his teeth. He's got a little mirror.

Taking a shower to water in. Yeah. Like a little water in he was pressing it. And I've been there. You know, I've been there at a bus station or in a hotel bathroom when I was on the road a lot of times. and I would get to the gig early and I didn't have a hotel room and I would go outside the hotel

where they were going to put you up and just run in and go to that bathroom and just take a shit and whatever you know and I seen this guy do it outside after a couple minutes I was just out there with Mercy and Mercy didn't want to swing

I started walking and I caught him all by the tennis racets and I asked him I go what's up man he's like how are you doing he's like what I'll go get something to eat and he told me that he took a bus here from Chicago

go. Oh, really? To be in a band. And, you know, he was looking for an apartment that day. And I go, so you slept here tonight? He goes, the fucking bus dropped me off at 2 in the morning, up the corner. And that is a Greyhound, the Magnolia there by the No-Holida down the block. Yeah.

So he said he went and he asked, there was no hotels. You know, he didn't know. He goes, I didn't know. Nobody knew. He goes, I asked like three people, 10 after 2. So he goes, I saw the park, and I came into the park. I didn't have a smartphone? out of fucking

If they're on a fucking busly You know He's got his fucking guitar with him And he's taking a shower In the fucking sink That's fucked up He's got his smartphone Let me see where a hotel is

At 2 in the morning Then I gotta get a cab When you're carrying shit If you don't see it It ain't happening Because you can't take a chance What if you walk four blocks With a suitcase

Your guitar A duffel bag and everything And also somebody goes No The hotel is four blocks that way Now what the fuck do you do You gotta start a little So when you get off a bus, trust me, you don't want to fuck around.

If you don't see a hotel, there's a park. I'll go there, sit from three into daylight, save a night on a hotel because some nights you want to save a fucking night. It's two already. They're going to throw me out at 12. We did that in Israel. We just sleep in a beach instead of a hostel. They're going to throw me out at 12.

Save care. Why am I going to go somewhere but they're going to throw me out of 12? Let me check in at 1215 and get the whole fucking day. Okay, I see that. You follow me? You're talking at 2 a.m. That's street mental. But I wouldn't sleep.

I'd go like go to a dime or something. Or the dying or whatever. That he fucked up to sleep in, like, up on the bench. No, that's the street mentality. You got $300. It's already three in the morning. I'm out. Yeah.

I'm tired, you know what? Let me go sound on that bench till six or seven. Get up, get something to eat. I'll ask around where I can take a cab to a cheap hotel. Go over and stay three or four days and get my, you know, get my shit to me. Call Ari. Go, Ari. I'm at this hotel, send me 300 to hold me over until I get a, you know.

But you got to save money. You just can't go into the fucking shot. I don't know. I was a gentry. A friend of mine. one time. I remember Junkery. The first booking, I have a book, was 100 Wheels of Justice on TN. 100 Wheels of Justice. Before Spike was Spike. It was TNN. And it was like a Nashville channel. And their big show was something, Wheels of Justice.

A hundred wheels of justice is something. I played a Pimp. And I was fucking broke. I mean, broke. This is before I robbed the skiers. This is that same fucking season when I robbed the ski movie. When the guys do that thing, what's that dude who does the ski movies? He does all the ski movies and go watch people ski on the movies. I don't know. What the fuck's his name? The director? Yeah, he's a director and he does the same movies.

The documentaries. Yes, he shows. Let me see. The shows a crazy like surf. Yes, yes. And they have a thing in December where they go to San Diego. They go to all these places all the way up and down the coast. And they were paying me 150 a show or 300 for two shows.

And all I had to do was go up there and go, welcome to our movie tonight. You had whatever, fill them out, and then I'll come out after the movie, and I'll let you know who won skis and this and that. And they were paying me like $150 for two shows. San Diego, we did two shows, we did Calabasas, we did, you know, just all this dumb shit. Yeah. And these are college students running the fucking show. They're fucking college students.

They didn't know about it. And I'm seeing that every night they're doing these shows, and they're not depositing the money. They're putting it in the blue bag, and I'm watching this blue bag, and it's getting more and more filled up every fucking night, and I'm like, I want to get this blue bag. And I'm watching them, and they're not watching.

They're stoners, and they're... Complains them. I'm going to get these motherfuckers. And Friday comes. I've been there for two weeks. Parrot, Matt Parrott, got me the job. He lives in Arizona now. Nice kid. He couldn't do it.

He was a writing on somebody's show, and he called him. He was like, Joe, I've done this for five years. It's like $4,000 in three weeks. Wow. And if anybody needed that $4,000 at that time, it was me in a desperate way.

It was the holidays. I just got it with Terry, you know, the cocaine. I was robbing these motherfuckers. So I did the two-week thing. I had Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday left. Wednesday was Redondo Beach, something like that. But that weekend, we did San Diego. So 30 miles outside, they had to get me home.

hotel, right? So we're staying in, right. What's before San Diego? Like two before? La Jolla? Not La Jolla. Centinella, Centella, Centenia, Camarilla, whatever the fucking. We're doing that thing there, and I'm watching this fucking idiot, and

he's guarding that money. That thing is this fucking thing by now, and they got two of them, and I'm figuring if I can find that way he's stashed him, I just need one of them. I don't need both of them. I'm not greedy. I could take two, and he could say when somebody robbed and And this Sunday I'm watching that bag

It's a Sunday And we're in the bar And he's got both bags And the suitcase And he's carrying it with him Then we go back into the theater And he takes the thing And he puts it in the back

Of his Nissan Pathfinder So I'm watching this fucking suitcase Like nothing Like a dog When he knows something's in your hand Where he knows meat in your hand Oh my God guys And I'm like how am I going

I go up to the car And I try to open it It's closed The trunk is closed Because in between I go up there There's like a 45 minute. They showed a movie.

So I got to kill time. So we did the first show, and I'm like, how am I going to get this guy's money? I wanted to snort. They had paid me up front already for all the jobs. I had blown the money. I wanted to snort so bad. I wanted to snort so bad. It's Sunday night.

And finally, he walks away, and he leaves his keys on top of the counter. Bleep. And I opened the door, and I put the keys right back. Oh. And I got to go to my car. And he goes, all right. and he started talking to some chick There was a hot chick.

My chick detoured him. He went to the chick upstairs to show of the historic theater. And by this time he took his keys. I took my car and pulled right up to his car, opened up the side door, went in, opened up the zip, and just stuck my hand in one of the bags

and took a handful. Oh my gosh. Took it in, drove to the corner, or popped the trunk in my car and hit in the tie. I pulled the metal out and put the money in the tie. Didn't even count it. Nothing.

I fucking went back. Like nothing happened. Close this door. I beeped it and closed the door. I went inside, did the second show and fucking left. And the whole way, he's like, you're not spending the night? I'm like, nah. This is 2000.

It's risky to not spend the night, don't it? Because if you see it's wrong. I had a snort Coke. I wasn't staying that fucking ghost town by myself. I flew up to L.A. I got up here like an hour, 20. I went right to the comedy store. I got an eight ball.

from the Martel cartel. I got like a gram from Chewy. And the laugh factory had this little waitress that was really, really cute. And she was a company. He's always hired a hot waitress. So this girl was a heartbreaker. I was probably 36 or 37,

maybe, 38, tops. And this girl was probably 25 from Texas, big tits, short hair, just beautiful. She shows up to the comedy store. And she's like, I just broke the record. some guy gave me a $2 an dollar tip and she goes I walked with $500

where do I get an eight ball and I go right here and I sold it a one I bought from the Martel cartel because I still had coke from Chewy and I could go back to the Martel cartel I didn't have a place to snort I bought an eight ball and didn't have a place to snort once the comedy store closed

I would have had to go home Terry I couldn't do that eight ball at the house so I'm like what the fuck I'm like that she's in the Terry days yeah and this girl's asking me what are you what are you gonna do and I go I'm not going to do nothing. I'm just going to go home. She goes, well, I'm going to get a hotel room by myself.

So we got the hotel room across the street from the comedy store. The Grafton or something? Right there. That shitty hotel, the Sahara. Yeah. We got a hotel room. We started snorting up a fucking storm.

I'm like, at 7 o'clock in the morning, she looks me straight in the face. She goes, I don't want to fuck you, but I want you to pull my hair. And I'm like, what are you talking about? She's like, pull my hair. I know, if I pull you, I'm going to jerk off on your face. And she goes, oh, I just show me your dick.

And I was fucking And I This one thing led to one I go you know what I'm too coked up to deal with this And I fucking run home And I just fall asleep on the couch And about 11 o'clock

I hear the phone And it's a guy He goes Joe Diaz This is Rick Pagano Where the fuck are you And I go who And he goes Rick Pagano You're on 11 o'clock

With the director I'm like what are you talking I'm like you're a producer session On the movie How long will it take you to get up here? I go 20 minutes I'm so sorry I had a long night.

He goes, all right, get up here. I fucking brush my teeth, just put water in my head, shot up there and book the movie. What? It was an American gun. That's the movie with Silverman. No, that's the movie with the movie with whatever's fucking name. I don't even know.

Who gives a Frenchman's fuck. Let me give it the sponsors. Well, you guys are fucked up. I love it. Look at this. Tonight's devil's night. Both of years are going to leave fucking Uber tonight. You know why they need, they both need an Uber?

Because they're not taking on their products. That's why I'm solid today. I took that hemp force protein. I took the alpha-file. Look at me. I ate three chibachews this afternoon. Three, 70 milligrams. There's two earlier.

That's 210 milligrams by the time I got here. I popped one of those things. I ate a half with Ari. Look at you two fucking guys. Like fucking the walking dead. Get it together. You look like two fucking Ebola victims. Get it together.

Next thing you're drooling that the fucking jaw. That's fucking the fucking nurse got it. What the fuck the nurse. I knew she's going to go. happy that black dude died. You knew she was going to get it. Who? You didn't even know about her. One person was going to get it. One person was going to get it. Okay? But I'm very happy the black guy. I'm happy.

You're happy. The Ebola guy. They can get it from your body now. Even after you're dead. You can still get it from people's body. It's a fucking night. We're going to start burning bodies. You know, I love Africans. I love black people. But that shit, don't know them in. No more. Maybe if we burn the bodies, it'll be in the air. If you're from the air. Fucking Liberia. Yeah, you can't do nothing. You got a shit on back. I knew that guy was going to die. It don't take a fucking genius. A white guy with fucking Ebola's going to get shot in Texas.

Never mind a black guy. They couldn't wait to fucking light him on fire. Who are you kidding? The family even knows. They're suing him. They said he didn't get 10. Bro, that's a black guy with a boy. If you're going to fucking come over here with Ebola,

don't show up in Texas. Go someplace white where there's nice people. Like San Francisco, they're used to the Hiv and shit. They'll welcome you. You're right. You know what I'm saying? They'll welcome you in. We got the Hiv.

What's Ebola? Who gives a fuck? Are you going to be drooling from? I don't give a fuck anymore. Dog. This is what it is. It's true. Those people with the HIV will be gone by the...

Yeah. By the time they get the Hiv, we're used to it. You might as well show up with it bowling. People be leaking from the ass and the mouth. Who gives a fuck? Anyway. For the best products out there, minimum optimization.

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It's not just there. It just doesn't stop there. They have the new mood. They have the strong bone, which I'm taking from my knee. That's what I thought you meant. They have so many other products that you should look at. They have the kettlebells. I can't help you with that stuff.

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American dad was very good. No, American dad is ate a dick in the last couple of years. South Park now. South Park now. It's on TVS now. South Park. It's on TVS now.

Yeah, they moved to TVS. And rightfully so. They're not missing much. That's why they... Forget about that. We're talking about fucking Hulu Plus. I don't give a fuck about Bobb burgers or whatever. I'm just telling you, you get it for $7.99 a month.

And on top of that, I'll give you two weeks for free. If you go right now and sign up, what they put in the box? Joey? Joey, you get two weeks for free. Then it's $7.99 a month. You're not going to get that deal from nobody. You think you're going to go to Africa and they're going to give Ebola for two weeks. You're going to want to come back and see if you want or not?

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Joey. In the box, get two weeks for free out of the arm. Then we'll talk about seven and nine, two weeks later. You're not going to get that deal from nobody. The TV week, the TV just gives you $7.99 a month. They're not giving you two weeks to binge watch whatever the hell you want. On your Roku, your smart TV, or your phone. Get your shit together.

Go to Huluplus.com right now. And also, to my brothers, would you fucking guys stop talking over the ads? And also, much love to Dollar Shave Club. Who else gives you a raise a cent to your house right there, a dollar a month, $6 a month, or $9 a month? The $6 deal is tremendous. The dollar deal is tremendous. Two blades. The $6 deal is four blades.

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What's what the fuck? What's what the fucking? This dollar shave club, all right? Dollar, $6 and $9 a month. It gets delivered right to your fucking front door. You don't have to go to the store and wait on line with a bunch of people with bad fucking deodorant. You don't, what do you need?

A razor with what? A flashlight on it. I have to get it for you now, too. You don't need none of that shit. Go to Dollar Shave Club right now and get these high quality raises sent to your fucking door. And they're upset. I like the kind of razors where they show you in the old movies

where you see somebody raising it and then you cut and you see somebody just holding their neck. Yeah, that's a straight reason. But then you don't go over that dollar shaving. No, that's a felony. I don't trust anybody with that. What the fuck? These people keep bothered.

10 o'clock. 10 o'clock is all as well. That's how we. do with you, man. We don't fuck around here. I'm excited for your special. I mean, me too. Thank you. The podcast, you didn't really hit home with me. I didn't know that Mitzie didn't pass

tortured me. Fucking years. And you're Jewish. Can you imagine you're black? It's like being an Ebola victim in Texas. Yeah. If you got a bowler, don't go to Texas, dog. They're just going to shoot you. Everywhere else, they survived. They survived in Maryland. They survived in Atlanta. They go to Texas. They shoot you? Do you think

that's what happened to him? They shot them? They shot in with a lethal They're going to be in Mexicans a break Yeah, they're not going to take care you in Texas And now they're really pissed Now those rednecks are going See what happens for helping that fucking guy One of our own got fucking, that's it

Don't go to Texas if you got Ebola They'll shoot you on the spot Jack That's our next t-shirt Don't go to Texas with Ebola It's better be timely before it kills everyone Or it goes away When did you get to the store, Ari Shafee? I got the store in 1999

What made you go to the store? store. Ha, ha. I didn't, nothing. I wouldn't even know it existed. You didn't

never had even heard of the place. I was looking for the laugh factory. I was driving down sunset, looking for the

laugh factory. And I was like, oh, what's that place? Maybe I'll go there on the way back. So I wanted to look for a job

of the laugh factory and then I went in there and that's, that's the place you should go. The laugh factory said no? Yeah, they were like,

I don't really hire comics, maybe have day job stuff. It wasn't even like, it wasn't even a, a way in there. The comics are made a way in for people. That's what

people say it's like the comedy seller. The comedy seller doesn't have the regulars there that used to fucking be employees there. There's a shitload of comics of the comedy store, Renazisi. Bobby Lee. John Caparulo. Yeah. They all used to be employees there. So it's like with the new employees, there's some sort of camaraderie of like we're all sort of the same thing. You know, you don't get too big-headed.

So who are talking about like people are having these low-paying jobs now and like complaining. Like, do you ever, like, when you look back at working at the store, I'm like, yeah, like they probably weren't paying you close to minimum wage. Nope. But now, like, like, $25 a night. It ended up being for good.

Like, there must have been people who, like, complained. Yeah, there's some people like, this is none of money. But for me, it was always like, we're not doing it for the money. We're here for the spots. The money's a bonus. Those people are not dead. They complained about the money. I guarantee you.

Because they looked at, they didn't look at the fucking trees. They looked at the trees. They didn't look at the clouds behind the trees. I was just working for the spot and then the two spots. Three minutes on Sunday. That's all I was looking for. That's all I was working. You had to do at least two shifts.

Sometimes three shifts. So you got that 99. When did she pass you? 2003, I think. So four years to pass you. How'd you feel when she passed you? Pretty great. But also at the same time,

it's sort of like everything I've gotten in my career. It's like I've just gotten over it. the time I get it. It's like that scene in Swingers when he's like, you know, he's like, you got to like not care and then she'll call you, but you can't just say I won't care. You have to really just not care anymore. And then they call you. So it was like, oh, fuck this.

And then she was like, I want you to showcase this Sunday? And I was like, oh, she's going to pass me. I was like, all right. Did she pass you? Yeah. How did you feel when you went home then? I felt pretty good, man. I felt pretty good. It's such a weight lifted off my shoulders. I mean, you know, God, it was like, finally.

The people at home must sit there and go, I'm turning this off if they talk about the comedy store. You know, when you're a comic, it's everything. That's, that's the Marines. That's it. If you ask me in one word, what's the comedy store mean to you? It means I made it to the comedy Marines. Again, I didn't have the balls to join the regular Marines.

I didn't want to take the blood test. But, you know, that Pryor was on that stage? I made it to the Marines. It gives me a certain common. confidence. You know, I never had anything. You know, I'm a felon. I've had problems, but I'm a regular at the store. I don't even give a fuck about my name on the

wall. That means nothing to me because there's a bunch of people's named on the wall. I don't deserve it to be on that fucking wall. They were friends with somebody. And they got lucky. And they got lucky. Congratulations. I don't give a fuck about the wall. I know in my heart that she passed me. She gave me to nod. And that bigger to me than anything

that could happen in this life for me, comedy-wise. I have bragging rights. I was made by Midsey Shore. You know, I went in there, did it. I went in there three times. She passed me. I landed in L.A. January 29th, and she passed me February 19th. That's how fast it was.

Do you get pissed off when people say that? No. That was pretty normal. That was always like the normal. Really? No, not three weeks. No, not three weeks. No, not three weeks.

No, not three weeks. How many of the four years were you ready to be passed? Did you think? Well, see, the store has spots for, like, new people. The comedy store has late night spots They have a 1215 spot A 1230 spot on a Tuesday You know

With eight people in the room That's not You know Rogan's not taking that spot Regular big comics are just not doing that So that's like All right here's some scraps Yeah I was ready for that

I mean Two years in Probably I could have gotten in Then three years in It was like come on This is taken forever Based on what else you're putting up in those spots like that.

Come on. What made you stay? This is blind faith. What made you not go to the Laugh Factory? What made you be like a lot of people who said, fuck the store and went to the end because this is it? I mean, I went to the other places, but I just never stopped going to the store.

I mean, I went to everywhere I could to get up. All of us that are from the store, there's 10,000 of us that came out with that dream to make it to the store. Bagging rights. At an alternative open mic, the Westwood Bruko. I remember saying something.

It was me and David Taylor and Nick U. a few people filling like regular comics in there and I was like how many of you guys hate the comedy store and they like 80% of them raised their hand and I was like how many of you have showcased to get into the comedy store and like 40% of them raised their hand

like sheepishly. It's like yeah you didn't get past so you fucking hate the place and then you left you gave up you have no use to it once you've once you she doesn't pass you get a sour taste in your mouth I know plenty of people that ran out of there

and go fuck this place I know yeah she didn't pass me it's like all right she took the blue pill today instead of the fucking green pill. But I couldn't worry about them being passed tonight. I was worried about myself. What are you going to do?

Go in there and go, Mitch, you got to pass them like? She's not going to listen to me. In fact, she's going to throw me out with that person. Yeah, people used to ask me, like, can you recommend me? I was like, listen, I'll just tell you right now. It's going to work against you. No, no, no, no, no, no. It's part of her torturing me is she's not going to pass you.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't fuck with the store too much in that realm. Three weeks, you got there, and then three weeks later? January 29th. I got here on a Monday. So that. Sunday I didn't showcase and the following Sunday didn't showcase

I think it was the following Sunday I lucked out because Latino night because they did Latino night at the improv and Richard Cooper saw him and he passed me and then Mitzie caught me at the end and Eddie Griffiths at the end of the Latino show Latino show at the comedy store

was Sundays from 7 to 9 and that was privately booked so that's the only reason you can get in there remember when Jay Davis did rock comedy a ton of people Brett Ernst I think Sebastian they all get in that way because Mitsy was like popped her head in, she goes, oh, what's this? Oh, this guy's killing.

Until Holtsman got passed, he was in the belly room, and she had her office up there. And she would, like, peer her head out. It's like, who's this guy? She used to have a doorway right into the belly room. So if she heard while she was doing work, she heard somebody killing, she got like, pop the door open, right there.

Covered up up there. That's the only thing that's really missing now when I go up there is her. And I can tell she's not there. It's great to store, and I have a great time. It's the best workout room in L.A., but Mitzie sure is not there. When she would come in, the fear everyone would run. It was just, it was, it was, like she had so much power. It was like she was a mafia, but, like, knew she was in charge.

Like, she could walk her out with, like, nothing and no bodyguard because no one would dare do anything to her. Joey would stand over when he was hosting, and she would like, that soon he was at his fattest. And she would just poke him in the belly and then go, puss. Like she's letting out the air I like fat baby Fat baby She used to really like me She used to really like me

I used to like her at the time Fat baby Fat baby You were funny She would torture me A little bit laugh about it Holtzman hated Following Tonya Lee Davis

Because she was the midget He goes It's not a fucking freak show It's not a carnival act I don't want And so She would always make him follow her If she found out

Something about you That you had a quirk She'd fucking run it She pushed out If you broke up with your girlfriend and she was a regular, you were following that bitch. Oh no. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Once she broke up, she'd make you follow that bitch. Just on principle, just to see how you. Just to see where your emotion was at just to make sure. Lee, how you're feeling, my brother? I remember her coming over and it's giving my light. When they into the cover booth, she would just like do the thing. And if you weren't there paying attention, but you had to be paying attention. But you haven't been paying attention.

If you weren't, someone to come like, she said, give him the light. Okay. It might be one of your friends on stage. He's been on stage three minutes. That's enough. She said that's enough. Oh, no. The light would come on.

That's what she controlled it. I saw a kid go down there that had a high hope when he came here. Yeah. I saw a kid that I knew personally. The twinkle in his eyes. From Houston that I saw him in Houston and he was like, so how's the store? I'm like, the store's really good. He had a big ego.

He won like Houston's funniest person. Yeah. He had all these witty jokes. and his manager, his manager was the club owner. And he kept saying, oh, this guy's better than anybody you've ever seen. And I saw him. And the guy was good, but there was a problem. He hadn't done nothing.

And he had a huge ego. And right then I knew it wasn't going to work for him. And sure enough, he, the comedy club owner used to book big names, so he became friends with people at Gersh and shit. And he said, it's a showcase for this kid on a Sunday night. And I'll never forget him walking in. And this guy thought he had, this was his prize possession. I think the night they had gotten into town on Saturday,

and he put him up late at the improv, the 11 o'clock show, and the kid did okay. So he walked into the comedy store thinking he was fucking George Carlin. And I'm watching all this. I'm watching this go down. It's a different room. And I'm not saying a word. I'm not saying a word.

And sure enough, they come over to me, and they go, hey, he has a spot here at whatever for me. Well, Mitzie wasn't, he wasn't supposed to go up for Mitzie. He set something up with somebody. And Mitzie walks in, and I go, I walk up to him. I go, Mitzie, this is the kid that they approved, that Duncan approved them, whatever. She goes, okay, and I go, the reputation, just to zinger,

I go, the world on the street is, he's the new Bill Hicks. And she looked at me, and I didn't have to know what she was saying. She looked at me like, this is going to be interesting. Like, you just fuck this kid's world. by telling me that. Because if he's not that, then this kid had a huge ego. Young, you know, he was going to fuck a.

I mean, he already had a following in Houston of the young comics, and he was telling him how he was better than this guy, and he worked with this guy, and he couldn't follow him, and Mitzie puts him up for five minutes. They work it all out, five minutes, and his manager's in the back with his little pencil,

you know, like this with his hands like that, like, watch this guy. And a bunch of people had gone up, you know, like open mic store guys that were good. And this fucking moron goes up there. And after the first joke, nothing. Second joke, nothing. Third joke, this guy's swimming up there in death. And Mitchie's like, ah.

And he's dying. And he's like, give him the light. Give him the light. She would say it as loud as that. Loud. You can hear it. You can hear it. You're like, come on.

Just turn the light on a ruddy. I'm already covered with a guy. I'm already killed. She looked at me and she goes, Bill Hicks, my ass. Oh, my God. Get him off the stage. Oh, my God.

This kid got off the stage, walked right down the stage, didn't even thank her, and the manager waited like eight minutes and then went back there. When they left, when they walked into the comedy store, they were together.

When they left, the manager was 10 feet walking ahead of them. That kid lasted, maybe three months in this town. In fact, he became an editor. Really? He became an editor-in-ed-s-a-s assistant. He did that.

That night's, and that was his bailout. Like, this sucks. I'm not getting spots. I didn't move to a later, being editor. I'm going back to Houston. His soul was so fucking done when it got back to Houston. He never did comedy again. He packed his bags and went back to school

and became like some fucking hockey ref or some shit. How's that one for you? That's the power of Mitty Shore. You had to walk by her after you got off. Yeah, after you got off. And even if you know it was like a B minor or a C plus, you're like, maybe she'll see the real me. and she'll want to pass me though

and then you walk by he's like thank you Mits and you go oh I just keep walking the first time I did a set in front of my walk and I didn't even talk to her because I was walking out and she grabbed me she called you yeah she would do that she was she grabbed me she goes I'll see you next week you have 10 minutes and I go yeah she was 10 minutes

she'd call you back to where he was it used to be you go through a three she liked you to do a six she likes to do a 10 and then you're in or out you're in her out fucking amazing you have no idea where your stomach and gut it but then every once in a while she would see some awful person at 3, she goes, oh, that's good enough.

Seen enough. You're in. You're getting great spots. But like, not anything against any of them. But when you say there's something like that, why are clubs now hiring an ex-waitress who's 22 to do it? To do what? To say if someone can go do spots at their club. I mean, that's pretty much who she was, though. When she started. You got to start somewhere.

She's got knocked up, and then they were like booked the show. And so she had fucking four years of experience. And it wasn't like she was the best. She would pass terrible people too. Oh, she would? But it was the place you had to go through. But you know what? The Dice said it.

Dice was like, could I have been as big without her? It's like, maybe. But I don't know. She made me a comment. Those 12, 15 spots made me a comic. Yeah. To follow Dice and go on late. No.

No. But she knew what she did. You knew it. If you were smart, you'd just tell her. She wouldn't stay that late. Even she was there. She wouldn't stay at 1215. She'd be like, no, no, no, no.

She was never there for me. at 12, 15. She was there early, some Sunday she'd watch your host. I used to drive her in. And sometimes she'd go, I don't feel like going in. But so many people showcasing, the list was so backed up. They had you try to convince her, come in. Maybe some of your friends get past. Can you imagine that? She would get there and go, I don't want to go in.

And I was like, Mitzie. Oh, yeah, she was in the back. Just wouldn't go in go away. But I was like, come on, go break some people's dreams. She goes, okay, yeah. But what if it, what if that person doesn't like a certain type of comedy? Like, let's say she didn't like dirty comedy. That's the problem. Sure, then you're fucked. She didn't like old jokes after a while.

an old person joke, shit, you're out. You wore a baseball cap. She didn't like that. You're out. What did you warn them? What about when you get past? Can they unpass you if you start sucking? No, but you pass, you pass forever, but she just will never give you a spot. Then you're not a regular. You're a paid regular, but you're not like, but you're not a regular. You're just passed.

That's a weird fucking, it's a weird stomach, man. You know how we after I heard. The paid regulars are the ones that are there regularly. After I heard the podcast, I really figured out my money. why you wanted to shoot the special air and what it meant to you. And you were telling me, you left that part out.

You were just bulldog and me like, I need to shoot it there. I'm like, whatever. But after I heard the podcast, and you said all that, I understood why. It was just, it felt like it was just the right thing to do.

Just justify everything. Even if you fucking get hit by a truck, the 30th. Yeah, exactly. You justify it everything. Exactly. It came full circle. Yeah, man, exactly.

And sometimes, when life comes full circle, you go, Jesus fucking Christ, and you're too young for it to come full circle. I mean, you probably had experiences with. No, I know what you're saying. I can't, like, going back to, like, your old high school, essentially,

that'd be, like, giving the commencement speech at, like, your high school or college, I would have to imagine. Fuck, commitment. When I had to talk with Comedy Central about doing it there, so they're like, what do you want to do it? I know my people told them that I want to. I didn't want to ask directly because I don't want to say,

no. But I was like, look, I know you're open to me doing it at a club, which is cool. and I was like, no matter where we do, it's going to be good. It was like, but I'm going to do a special there. It's either going to be this one or it's going to be another one, but I'm going to do a special there. So here's the reasons why I think we should do it there.

And they were like, yeah, let's do it. Is it sold out already, Ari? Yeah, I got some extra tickets, though, but yeah. I just think it would be a nice thing for people. I'm sorry, Ari. I didn't know. And I canceled the last one, so I can't cancel this one. It's all right.

If there was a way I could get out of it, I would Halloween week and we can. give that night to somebody else and just come down and just watch the magic because that's what's going to be. I understand. When I went back, it's changed me. Going back to the store two years ago. Say what's happened. So you're

going up in rooms that don't know you. Following killers and people that haven't gotten a shot yet and just want to prove it every night by fucking slang, by hitting on all cylinders every night. That's the comedy store. You're like, fuck, all right, come here.

That's the comedy store. That's what That's what makes the difference From the ha-ha and the flappers And all the other clubs When you walk into the comedy store You gotta go in there with both Cillings Cookin' I know if we've spoken about this before

Listen, in your life You all have your own personal comedy store Doesn't have to be a comedy club It could be a place of work It could be a guitar place Where you go play the guitar The flute or whatever fuck it is that you do You know

There's a place that means that much to you Because you went in there with nothing You went in there with nothing You got baptized in there. So for the people, you know, if you get a chance to see Ari anywhere, this is just a beautiful time in your life.

One of the storytellers show, airing, this is not happening. What are you hearing? It was going to start January, I think. Okay. Yeah, and they're going to air my old special at the beginning of that. Passive aggressive. So the special? Oh, the old one. Yeah, and then this one at the end

of it in March. So they bought the one from Chile? Uh-huh, chill. And who got the money? I got the money. Chill pretty much gave it back to my own a little bit of money so I paid them off. So it was mine. So they're renting it.

That's a beautiful thing, Harry. You're a beautiful man. That's why this happened. Comedy is a fucking journey, just like anything else you're going to do. And I never thought that my journey would be highlighted by a podcast. Yeah.

You know, who would have fucking thought that this is what I highlighted in the jury? It's weird. It wasn't even a thing. And nobody prepared for this. When I got into comedy, Judy Carter in the book said nothing about it. in 10 years is going to be a podcast. I met the guy who did the power list of things you need to talk about to get a development deal.

Remember that list? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like you have to check out. How many of these boxes can you check off? The more it is, the higher quotient for a development deal. It was crazy. It's like, where are your parents? Where are they from?

What kind of jobs do you have? Tell me about your friends. Tell me what your weirdest friend is. Do you have a brother with disability? You have assisted with a disability. Oh, it was like joke premises? It was like, if you talk about this, you go to Montchreux. you'll get a deal.

I met him. He made that live. He stands by it. No, no. It wasn't a comic. It was like an agent or something. He stands by. He's like,

that's the way to get one. Well. He's like money ball for comedy. Listen, man. But that place, so they didn't have to have, like, there was no spots. You're like,

oh, I have to follow this guy. But then you're like, Bobby Lee, fuck. But then you're like, where else are you going to go? That's easy. There was no other spot. Freddie Soto,

Sebastian. Sometimes somebody like that, like Sebastian would kill so hard. the next guy who's also a killer would have trouble. Couldn't follow the way. So, like, Caparillo wouldn't do good. And then the guy who would follow Caparillo, since he didn't do good, would fucking crush.

Brett Ernst would crush so hard. So the guy had to him. So you could see it. You're like, how am I far away am I? By an up or am I down? It'll just keep going up and down each comment. You're like, I think, fuck, I'm going to get the town. It's a fucking amazing thing down there, man.

I'm happy I went back down there. Me too. I'm glad you're back there. No, and I'm happy that you're going to get to shoot the special because it's going to help a lot of people just know that there's. an end to this. When you're

showcasing for Mitzie the third time, you don't know if there's an end to this. Nobody knows. Nobody knows that feeling of, you know, in three hours. You can't, you want to kill in front of Mitzie. You're going to kill. You just don't know if they're going to take the ride with you,

you know? When you're killing, it's great. You want to fucking come all over yourself and rub it on your hands, your hands. But comedy is a beautiful thing. Life is a beautiful thing. And you can't prepare. for this after what you did.

You can't prepare for the, you know, storyteller. This is not happening. Start in the back room at the improv. You were there at first episode. They don't have it anymore. They don't even have any more. And this is where, so what you did is something that, you know, people either going to start copying and doing,

starting from scratch and believing in their product. DIY, bra. They're not going to help you. Then fucking move forward. Do it yourself, I guess. And this is what this style of comedy has up. That we're doing all our own work. I woke up at 4.30 in the morning.

I didn't start working. stop working till seven. I was knee-deep in emails and whatnot till seven, bro. That's it. That's part of my fucking job. And then after I washed my pussy and ate and she took it to the park, I wrote for a fucking hour. Then I had to go to an audition at 11.

You know, this is, there's no schedule. There's no hours. There's no Sabbath. You know, I get off that fucking plane on Sunday. I sleep at three hours. Once I eat dinner with my wife and with the family, that's it. I go back to work.

answer emails, I plot my week out. You know, I get up Monday. It's amazing how hard you work. This is fucking work for you. People who think that we just get on planes and, you know, everything's great and people put you in first class. We're not trained at all to do any of this stuff.

So it's just like trying to like, I don't know. What garage band? It's trial and fucking error, guys. I only open it. Life is trial and fucking error. If you're going to get anywhere with this fucking life, it's trial and error on your own. And you're going to have people around you.

And it's like, what if you fail? It's like, yeah, you probably will. probably will. So what? So then the next, just keep going to do something, make an attempt. Lee and I discussed this every couple of days

about how people, you also have your eye on people. You're like, oh, he's doing this. I'll try it this way. You learn from other people by emulating. Our biggest,

the way we learn is by emulating. Yeah. So you see, oh, I like that, but I'm going to do it this way and move my arm like that. Yeah, I hold the mic stand like Bobby Lee. Yeah.

And then I morphed it from there. I just, listen, brother, I wish you the best. I know it's going to be a great special. Thanks, man. You know, I love you. You know, I love the Jews. Yeah, you used to bring me up at Open Mic Night. Yeah, no, I don't know. You would bring up all the employees. With the

fucking, it's coked out. He would look at the list. He would open and close his hand like this, just open and close. Just look and let's decide if he's going to go back into material. We're all waiting or read the next name. It might be like, Dave Machinowitz, which his name is Dave Mischavitz. Dave Mishinowitz. Or

he'd be like, another thing, these fucking people. At the 7-11. They try to get you, don't get me. Anyway, coming to the stage. But no, sometimes you go down there, you want a sausage. He knows. You just keep doing this while he's deciding. Hosting taught me a lot of time.

Oh, hosting was the greatest. Nobody likes to host. It was the greatest for three hours. Three hours of every three minutes. Up and down. Next, next, next. All those three-minute nights are the worst. Because you can't really do anything.

You just have to sit there and watch. What do you got tomorrow, cock, cock, sucker? I got you. and then Josh Wolf. And where are you going tonight to eat? I'm going to try to go home. I have some turkey at home if I want to eat. What kind of turkey?

Like mesquite, like one of those ones that's like roasted in a weird way. You got to put it on honey wheat bread? What kind of bread? No, I have whole wheat. Whole wheat. I'll put brown mustard. That's it. All right.

And where are you this weekend, my brother? San Diego, California. Oh, at the American Comedy Company. American Comedy Company. Thursday, Saturday, San Diego. Yeah. I will be at the Joke Factory. this weekend in Baltimore, Maryland,

bring your bulletproof vest. The following week. I went to my first two shows there. Yeah. My first two shows I ever went to, I went there. At the joke factory. At the comedy factory out. The old, that's what it is.

And we saw a fucking MC, and the same joke the second time, and I felt betrayed. I was like, you're, who I told this one? I know the joke, too. What is it?

They got that penis enlarger cream. Supposed to rub it all over your penis. Well, my hand is fucking huge now. Oh, geez. Wouldn't your hand get bigger? So the Joe Factory this Friday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Next week I'm at the home field sports bar and grill in Miami. And the week after that, the 29th, I'm at the Ice House.

We walked out. There were people in the audience that were got racist from fucking Pikesville people. and there was a black comic on stage during the second time and Kate Hicks was like they kept fucking saying semi-racist shit at him and he kept coming back

well we liked him he was doing good and they kept saying and then eventually we were like all right and Kate was like going to get out of here and was like yeah

we like left in protest the people in the audience the racist people from Pikesville you're a beautiful man I forgot about that all I kept up thinking about was the comedy store good stuff from the joke factory

Let's do this. Let's go smoke this fucking join. We'll be back tomorrow night, 8 o'clock. Same bad time. Same bad channel. Ari Shafir, I love you. Flying Jew, I love you. Read out these.

On it, Hulu Plus, Hittie Sings, and Dollar Shave Club. Read these motherfuckers out. And let these people know what's crack or lacquins. And you have a podcast. You have two podcasts. I have a podcast called Punch Truck Sports Podcast, which will eventually get you on Tuesdays at noon to two Pacific. Call in.

And then I have a. Ari Shafar's Skeptic Tank, which my other popcasts, it's just me. But the more funny, fun one is a sports one. Punch drunk sports. I like a skeptic. And the more serious one, yeah, as a skeptic tank. All right, guys. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus.

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